Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 483-Neal Brennan & Pete Holmes - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 23, 2019

This one is a game-changer. Get ready. First we share an astonishing update from the McDonald's people that will forever change this podcast and fast food. It's too good to share here.  PLUS, what is really up with our Uncle Terry? Is he shameless or liberated? We discuss.  AND did Tommy ruin a romantic shower with Tina by letting his raisin cake open up? Find out.  We also have Neal Brennan, who is featured on Comedians Of The World, which just came out on Netflix. He also released 3 Mics, a Netflix original you should definitely watch.  AND Pete Holmes who stars in HBO's Crashing stops by and gets deep in only ways Pete can. He isn't that tall, but he is very bright and made us have all the feels in our time together.  Watch CRASHING Sunday's at 10pm on HBO. 

McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Lay-A-Fish. McDonald's. Chicken Nuggets. McDonald's. Prize. Free McDonald's all the time. Free McDonald's all the time. You got a McDonald's, nigga? Burger, burger, burger. Lay-A-Fish. Burger, burger, burger.

Chicken Nuggets. McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Lay-A-Fish. So good. It's so good. Thanks McDonald's. Thank you McDonald's. Is a happy meal for a boy or a girl? Yeah, what's up with that? Why don't you pick your own pro now? I love the nuggets. I love the nuggets. You lost 100 a big one.

Many, many, many fries. You got a McDonald's, nigga? Burger, burger, burger. Lay-A-Fish. Burger, burger, burger. Lay-A-Fish. McDonald's. Go hard for it. You're drunk. It's even better. How does 2.3 million dollars sound? Burger, burger, burger.

Lay-A-Fish. Burger, burger, burger. I like these fries. McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Lay-A-Fish. Thanks McDonald's. Thanks McDonald's. It's delicious. I can't remember the last time I had a Lay-A-Fish, but it's fantastic. Oh, fuck yeah.

That's the McJeans Anthem. We're gonna get into it, believe me. Kind of hurts to listen to that song. It does hurt to listen to. We'll get into it in a moment. Alright, we gotta take care of some stuff first. But good lord. Mastermind!

I didn't really like the Lay-A-Fish. I'm just gonna say it. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah, I know. This weekend, I'm doing it real big. I'm going to Oklahoma City. San Antonio.

Houston and Dallas. I believe everything is sold out except for the Sunday show in Dallas the 27th has about, I don't know, it's like a hundred tickets or so left. But if you want to try to get those, fantastic.

The next time I go on the road, I will be in Long Beach at the Terrace Theatre, then the Chumash Casino, and then finally Reno at the Grand Theatre, and that is

February 7th and 9th. I also, thanks to you guys, added some shows recently if you don't know. I added shows in New Haven, Connecticut, a second show March 30th. I added a second show in Portland, Oregon

at the Keller Auditorium. It's May 1st, and then I added a fourth show at the Moore Theatre in Seattle, Washington, May 4th, and I added a third show at the Chicago Theatre, and that'll happen on June 2nd, all available

at TomSigura.com slash tour. Wow, talking about perfect timing. January 31st through February 2nd, I'm in Momver, Colorado at the Denver Comedy Works. Tickets are moving very

quickly on that one. We already have a couple shows sold out, so get them now. February 23rd, I do West Selom Springs, Oklahoma at the Cherokee Casino. That's a make-up day from when our neighborhood was on fire. February 28th through March 2nd, Madison, Wisconsin.

How do you say that, Bruce? Jesus, that just sounds nasty. You do nasty. Madison. Comedy Club on State. April 4th through 6th, Minneapolis, Minnesota. Acme, come on your club. May 10th and 11th, Tempe,

at the Tempe Improv in Arizona. May 31st through June 1st, and here in Sperm Bank, Flapp Heirs Comedy Club, and then June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick-Com at the Dick-Com Improv. All tickets at Christina P. Online. Also,

follow me on Instagram at TheChristinaP. I'm so popular. Alright, okay. Um, well, this is going to be quite the episode. There's so much to get into. Um, I'll tell you this, obviously

we're going to discuss, you know, if you're a viewer, what you're seeing, the set. If you're a listener, you're probably going to want to check out YouTube for a moment because everything's changed. We're going to discuss it in a moment. We got to open the show real proper like. So, we'll discuss

the set, but let's get this show kicked off, Jean. See, I heard what you said. Every time I eat a bubble, and I got to go, shit. I'm tired of shit. I would shit at her. She is a very respectful girl. She's never cursed in front of me like this. I'm tired of shitting this.

It's coming out. Nausea. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. Christina Pajit. Christina Pajit. Welcome to your mom's house. Hello. Oh, my God. You know who you look like when you pretend to do guitar? Bruce Springsteen.

Yeah, I know the guy in his band that ended up playing a mobster in the Supras. Oh, Stevie, little Steven. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, they're horrible people. Horrible. I hate Bruce Springsteen, I hate the whole Eastview band. I hate Bruce Springsteen music too. It's the worst.

I hate Bob Dylan as well, which I know you hate. Garbage. Garbage music. And we have stupid listeners who like them and they've told me before and they're like, oh, he's the best. Yeah. And it's like, you're a garbage person. And I also don't like Billy Joel's music.

I know that's like sacrilege too. He is if you're from fucking Long Island. Right. And he just sings about his hometown and stuff. All those home time idiots. Fucking sick of all of them. Anyways. We're kind of in a bad mood if you can't tell, we're a little sour today.

Yeah, yeah. And by the way, even if I was in a great mood with a big smile on my face, I would tell you, Springsteen's shit, Dylan's garbage, and what's his last one? Billy Joel. His mother. Sure. So yeah, if you're if you're watching right now, you're like, what happened to the set? Well, you know, we were riding high week.

This is just how life goes. We were pretty excited. I'm not going to lie. I mean, here we have one of the biggest corporations in the world gives us this huge check. All we have to do is paint the set their colors. Right. And well, that's what they said. That's what they said.

And I want to be clear about something. There was a lot of conversations ahead of time before we were working with McDonald's about our content. And they were like, yeah, like, let it let it go wherever you want to go. And then I called and I said to our agent, I said, well, you know, have they like they're familiar with what we do? We asked them, like, did they do their due diligence to go through our social media? Did they go through the show?

Here's what I was told. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then later on, I feel like, well, what was they're like, oh, they're familiar with you guys stand up. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, in your stand up, they have no problem with like, yeah, but you know that this isn't stand up, right? Yeah, we're doing a different type of show.

And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, that's fine. They they clear basically they didn't want the agents didn't want to press and like find a reason to upset them. So here's a here's a deal, man, such a bummer. We got we got fired from McDonald's over last week's episode in a phone call, like, almost like within hours of the show coming out. So they came out on video on Wednesday, yeah, and it was like Wednesday afternoon and they were like, oh, you're done.

And then it was a whole shit show. I mean, it was so fast. It's like the I got a voice mail happened so fast. I know. But can I just process with you a little bit? I mean, today is Monday, what is it Mondays for recording and I mean, just fucking ruined my whole weekend getting this well, you have to imagine. I mean, the they gave us $2.3 million.

And for people who are like, oh, you just get the pocket that will know the it was going to basically finance the studio probably for a few years. Yeah, and we have that would pay for sets, yeah, employees, insurance, utilities, yeah, like everyone's salaries, all the equipment. It was like set up to do all of that. Well, plus we had already, you know, picked up some fun items too. Yeah. Yeah.

I want a new car. Yeah. I thought we were going to get a Lamborghini. Finally. I know. Hmm. Blue Band was looking at a house. Yeah.

He was like, oh, like a member right before the episode last week, he goes, hey, man, this is really cool. I finally have my own house. Yeah. And like, maybe I could settle down. I was like, oh, that's great. Yeah. And I'm thinking like, well, yeah, I mean, McDonald's is going to pay for it.

You know. Yeah. It's always hard getting fired. I'm not even sure I can hear this voicemail again. I'm, you know, it's still. It hurts. But here it is for everybody to know this is what happened. This is, this is what I get Wednesday afternoon.

Okay. Tom, this is Darren Beering, WISCO second in command entertainment division of the McDonald's corporation. I'm calling to inform you that McDonald's is canceling our sponsorship of your show. Your mom's house podcast. We are, we are dismayed to say the least that you're so called entertainment content. When we said that you could do whatever you wanted, we didn't imagine in our health streams that you would include a man reviewing a butt plug and having a quote ruined orgasm as you

last like a lunatic. And the other guys that you featured, the cool guys, they're not cool to us. They're very not cool. We're demanding the return of the $2.3 million we gave you. And we request that you change the colors of the set, Tom, legal action may be taken if you refuse. Additionally, neither you nor Christina are welcome in any Southern California McDonald's location.

Good day, sir. That's it. There it goes. They just fucking fire you like that and a voicemail and then I call, I try to call him back, you know, I had to call through the agents and they were just like, it's over, it's over. So and I know I mean, I kind of do. Remember how Terry broke me?

Like Terry's the straw. That video is a straw that broke your mom's house. Here's the great irony that mother fucker Terry, the great irony of it. Okay. In this is our 483rd episode of your mom's house in the previous 482 maybe four times I've done this where I so enjoyed a moment on the podcast that that I actually went back and had to watch or listen to again and again because I was laughing. I was enjoying.

It sounds gross, but I was enjoying so much what I went through that I wanted to see myself go through it again. You mean my suffering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And and also like Uncle Terry just doing his uncle Terry. So I gotta say that I was so uncomfortable with that video and I can see why McDonald's was uncomfortable. Just so people know if you haven't seen it, if you want to see what I'm talking about

why we got fired from McDonald's, well go to episode 482. It's the previous episode and if you go on YouTube, go to the 49 minute mark. Okay. Go to the 49 minute mark and just watch for a few minutes and that is essentially a 2.3 million dollar bit of laughter. Yeah, that's right. That's two million dollars of laughter. Two million dollars to play that stupid clip dumb fucking video.

I hated. I hate Terry and I hate him and it's not really hate him. No, I know, but yeah, it was so depressing and I can't even step foot into McDonald's anymore. That's the worst part. I mean, I don't even know. He's like, you're not welcome. Is he going to have our pictures up there?

I don't know how that works. Southern California's got to have a thousand of them. I know. What about the drive-thru? Yeah, they can't kick us out of the drive-thru. No, right? No. It's so depressing.

I had so many things I was going to buy. Fucking Terry, man. Fucking Terry. Well, anyway, also, before we further examine this, we have now created our own separate highlight channel with clips of your mom's house. So if you just like to watch the highlights or you want to send them around to friends or just see like the big moments, it's youtube.com slash what? Your mom's house clips, youtube.com slash your mom's house clips.

And you can subscribe to that, please, if you want to get those separate highlights from the episodes. So we've had to change the set per request of corporate. And people are like, oh, it kind of looks like a stay cast now. Yeah, but that's because I had to go with my head down into Morton's, the one in the area. And I said, like, you know, is there anything you can do? They gave us a couple of grand, which is nice.

And Morton's is great. I don't want to act like I'm not a great person. I love Morton's. I love their... But they basically paid to paint it. They paid to... So Morton's, thank you, Morton's Steakhouse. Thank you, Morton's Steakhouse.

For sponsoring your mom's house. They have a great iceberg wedge salad I enjoy there. And they have, you know, USDA wet and dry aged beef. It's good stuff. It is. It's good. It's good. I don't want to act like I'm not appreciative of Morton's and them painting the set and

stuff. What you said... It's true. What is the difference between a wet and a dry aged? Well, I mean, most people, you know, they'll go for the dry aged. The secret is that the wet is really better. Is that right? Yeah.

Why is that? Well, I don't want to get into it right now. I don't want one of the Morton's reps to kind of stop by. Hey, that's the thing they can do next week. Yeah. Sure. Well, anyway. And they'll be like, here's a hundred bucks.

Is that what McDonald's gave you? No, it's not. Sorry, I don't want to act like a dick. But anyways. Yeah, so Terry, let's talk about it. No. Terry, the man who cost us millions. Yeah.

The hardest I've ever laughed in a clip and at the same time, the most costly clip. It is really good. But we have gone back and watched it. We've... No, I haven't gone back and watched it. You've been watching it. But the way he upsets you is what makes me so happy. No, here's what I...

Because I thought about it and I was like, why does Terry upset me like no other? Yeah. And I think what bothers me about him is his lack of shame at completely... Zero. He has no shame. This motherfucker is talking about putting stuff in his butt and then ejaculating... Talking about it and then doing it. ...doing it like he's Bobby Flay, like doing like a chicken cutlet recipe.

So what we're going to do is we're going to take a boneless and skinless chicken breast. There it is. And we're going to pound it out. I wanted to use this butt-toilet-toilet that I bought. Super casual. And I thought I'd try that again and then I also wanted to try this double-ended fux-leaf. Now I don't want to make them too thin. I don't want it to be like a chicken pie art or like a chicken steak.

I want it to have some... Just explaining what I'm doing. Yeah. Maybe about... Going through what I'm going to do. Half an inch. I'm not going to be able to use the vibrating part, but the butt-toilet vibrates. I mean, casual fried eggs, whatever.

Now what you want to do is when you're making chicken parmesan, you want to set up sort of a station for yourself. It's almost like an assembly line. Yeah. Or what do you want to do? You want to start with some flour and some all-purpose flour. What about you, Terry? At first I'm going to try and get this butt-to-toilet and turn it on and it's even got this cool

little... Oh, that's cool. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. That's cool. All right. So I'm going to take a little oil. Yeah.

Just like he's doing chicken parmesan. There you go. Very casual. What we're trying to accomplish here, we just want to get the chicken and the breadcrumbs to be sort of nice and golden brown. So, I'm saying this before we play, if you're new to it, you've got to go slow. Don't try and rush it. Don't try and rush it fast.

Don't try and rush it fast. You want to cook the chicken too fast. I don't want to try it again. Yeah. Just take a peek. Take a peek. Take a look. Take your time with the chicken recipe.

Yeah. Is it brown? Is it? Let's give it a flip. Let's see. Take it out, Terry. Let's see the wrap. I'm going to throw up.

It's pretty comfortable in there. Ah! Jesus Christ, this guy. Just going to cook the other side just until the breadcrumbs cook a little bit. Yeah. And then we're going to put it on a sheet pan and we're going to assemble the chicken parmesan and finish it in the oven. Perfect.

There you go. No, no, no. I don't want to. Oh, fuck it. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Ah! Oh! Oh!

So gross. Damn it. Let's grab our chicken parmesan out of the oven. Oh, okay. All right. That's enough. Thank you. If you could pull up the first Terry clip in this batch, the very first one that you played.

Yeah. Like that one. Ah! You see? He's so disgusting. Can you scrub? Can you scroll to like go a little further? There.

Okay. See his hand? Can you see that hand, that left hand movement he's got? McDonald's cited this. Oh, that modeling? They were like that. They were like, what the hell is that? And I go, I think he's got, I told him I go, I think he's got an itch.

And that guy Darren was like, he's not fucking, it doesn't have an itch. He's holding a Big Mac. Yeah. And so because he kept doing that, they were like, that was like the straw there. The gesture of Terry making himself hard. I was like, look, my leg itches right now. I got an itchy leg. I'm just scratching my leg.

And then they got rude. Yeah. I can understand why McDonald's is mad. I want to, I want Dr. Drew to see this just because you and I, it sparked a debate of like, is this extreme confidence and comfortable with one's sexuality? Which is my vote. I don't think so. I think it's a lack of awareness.

As mad as I am at Terry. Boundaries. For ruining our business. Yeah. You think lack of awareness, lack of boundaries. Shameless. Shamelessness. And I do get that in today's social media culture that there's less shame when it comes to reporting

your personal life. I feel differently. I feel like. Why do you like this? I don't like this at all. I feel like this is liberated. Okay. That the fact that he has no shame is something that should be celebrated and encouraged.

And not only that. I don't think so. I find him to be the chairman of the cool guy club. That's a cool guy. He's a cool guy. That is a cool guy. I like his electric guitar. That's what cool guys.

Cool guys do. Do. But why do I feel yucky watching Terry? If it's a cool guy, he makes me feel yucky inside. I don't know. I mean, I feel pretty cool right now. I don't feel cool. I feel like when's Terry going to do another video?

That's the best part. He's telling like, hey guys, what's up? It's Terry. I'm just here to review this. Like a fucking car reviewer. Yeah. Who's like the brand new BMW. Yeah.

He's like. So I'm unboxing this dildo. It's like, so it's too casual. Last week I was talking about the Toyota Supra. Today's competition. Yeah. I know. He's very comfortable.

I don't. I'd like to hear what Dr. Drew says about that. I would too. I think it's, I think he needs to have, I think a little bit of shame is healthy. A little awareness of like what's proper to put on the, that's, you just shouldn't put yourself on the internet doing that. Yes. I don't think it's right.

I know. By the way, if you are feeling generous, maybe it's a good week to get some merch. We kind of lost a lot of money. So. 2.3 million dollars. Yeah. We restocked some of the hot sellers and. Got my mug.

Yeah. There's mugs, socks, shirts, hats, everything. There's some new stuff coming too. Stop Brown talk. You know, I mean, obviously I don't want to, you know, whatever you can do. We don't want to push it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just what, just what happens when your show features.

Cool guy club. So. We have been going in the cool guy lane. It's, it is. This show is a celebration of the coolest guys. It's alarming. Yeah. I don't like them at all.

But we talked about Terry as we went away on our, we redid our 10 year anniversary night. Yes. And we went, we stayed somewhere lovely and we had marital loves. And then we took a shower together. Yeah. Yeah. It was nice. And this place we stayed at, they had his and her showers, which was really cool.

We've never done that before. Yeah. And just as I'm pouring this lovely lavender shampoo into my hand. That was when we made it up. Who's that? That's the originator of the cool guys. We were making love, you know. Oh, oh.

I feel like this guy started the cool guy club. Oh, he's, yeah. Yeah. Or the try it out guy. One of the, no, I think this guy is pretty. He's also the founder. Drop. Yeah.

That guy started cool guy club. He's pretty cool. He's, he's the OG. That's cool. Rub, rub, rub. But then we did take a dual shower. Okay. So I was just saying as I, I poured out some lavender shampoo to put on my hair.

I was smelling the shampoo and I thought, it's funny. This lavender doesn't smell good. It smells off. Yeah. I know. And I looked at you and I go, did you fart? Yeah. Yes.

I know. You farted so badly in the shower and it was so sad because I was like, oh, babe, we should get one of these with our McDonald's money. We should put this, this kind of shower in our house. It's so romantic. We could talk the show together and shower. It was bad. Yeah.

F-A-R-T. You farted so bad. It was so bad. It was so bad. It was much worse than I had anticipated. But couldn't, couldn't you tell it was going to be stinky before it came out? No. I didn't, I didn't sense that was coming.

If I knew what came out was in the chamber, I wouldn't have done it. It was so horrific. I don't know. I don't know what it was. That was the, was that the morning one or the evening one? No, it was the morning, I thought. No, no, shit. That was evenings.

No. No morning because I was washing my hair. Yeah. Yeah. I had fish the night before. Filet of fish, maybe. No. Yeah.

Yeah. That was cool. And then. It was a bad, bad fart. It was a bad fart. So thanks. And then we haven't been close to each other shitting in a long time since the Silver Lake days.

Yeah. It was really neat because right next to the bedroom there was a toilet and you made brown and I thought to myself, gosh, I can hear everything. It was bad. Why isn't he closing the door? I didn't realize this was such a nice, what happened was we go into this hotel and in the hotel there was, they gave us an upgrade. So you know, I paid for a room and we got there and I think because we were doing like

this make update of our celebration anniversary that the people who arranged it knew that and when we got there they were like, basically a room is available that no one is buying that day. So they go, we're going to upgrade you. It was a much better room. Sure. And it had, you know, from the bedroom to the shower, like in the, or to the bathroom, in the bathroom you could shut a door in the bathroom.

And there's also doors that separate the bathroom itself from the bedroom and I didn't shut that door. Right. And it was, it was cool because I got to hear like, you know, when you, you know, someone's on the toilet, like the toilet farts different than like a regular fart because it's just the acoustics are different and it comes out fast. No, yours are like, like sputtering, like, you know, in soft serve ice cream when it runs out at the end, like, um, like a carburetor trying to turn over and I was like, and I

was like, close the door. And I yelled at you, close the door. I want to hear you. But I forgot how sick your, your doot-doot sound, they don't sound healthy at all. It was fine. Everything was fine. Really? That's normal for you?

Totally fine. And you had your prostating exam. I did. Um, I did. Um, uh, I will, uh, tell you all about it here. Okay. In a moment. We don't know if you know this or not, but, um, we have new bills to pay.

Y and H will be right back. Wonderful. Yeah. So I went back to business. I went to get a physical first time in a year and a half because I went a little longer than I should have. And first of all, I, uh, I'm not going to give you the number because I'm, uh, very ashamed of my body, but, um, I only weigh five pounds more than I did when I first saw

my doctor, uh, 12 years ago. Are you kidding me? Yep. Congratulations. He started to go, we went through the weights and he was like, oh my God. Cause it's great. You go see 2008, you went in 2009, 2010 to the, and he started, and he's like 2014. He was like, oh my God.

Wow. That was a tough year. Way up there. And then I didn't, I didn't even see him the next year. Yeah. The year that way. Cause we had our baby in 2015. No, because I was so out of shape.

Oh, like he was, I remember they called and they're like, do you want to do a physical? I was like, I'm on the road and then I, I wouldn't go see him. I didn't want to. I knew if I went to see him, he'd be like, you need to, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we gained a lot of weight with my first pregnancy. You and I would go eat breakfast and then get dessert with breakfast. Every time. Every time.

Every day. Yeah. It's crazy. It was fun. I really liked being really fat. I am still fat, but I like the just throwing it all away of being really fat. Like when you just go like, fuck it, we're going to go full throttle. I don't care.

I'm not a model. Yeah. Yeah. That's the best part about being a comedian. You don't have to be good looking. Everyone, everyone's such a piece of shit that they're like, I love when you're fat. They still tell me now. Get mad at you.

Yeah. And they're like, I liked you more fat. And I'm like, God damn, whatever. I know. Cool thing to say to somebody. It's not good for you to be. No. I know.

They're like. Because you stay fat so that we find you funny. Yeah, I know. So they took all this blood, of course, pee, check all your sperm and they ran into EKG and then he's like, all right, it's time to do the old prostate exam. Check your oil. Check your finger all the way into my asshole. And man, this was different.

Really? It was my second time. The first time he did it, he did what I actually ended up saying in my special, which is he was like, now this is my cock. I mean, my finger. Yeah. But it was like, honestly, kind of gentle and it really wasn't, I mean, it was quick and you know, this time he's like, I'm getting lube and I was like, okay, and I'm facing

the wall and then he went immediately all the way without a warning, just all the way in and dug around and I was like, ah, ah, ah, and he, and he, I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he's like, come on, dug it around like really fingered me really hard. Yeah. Then he scooped it out. Yeah. He goes, let me see if there's any blood in your shit and I was like, okay, and I'm sitting there looking at the wall like what the fuck just happened.

And I'm like, dude, you're really not chill with fingering. Like if you fingered girls the way you fingered my ass, he's like, that's not how I finger girls. And then he just, he just goes, there's tissues next to you, clean your ass and he walked out. Are you serious? Yeah. Fucking.

There's tissues and then did you wipe brown? Then I had to wipe. Yeah. And there was jelly and brown. There was jelly and brown all over. Oh, it was horrible. Horrible. And I felt like really sore.

Yeah. Of course. And I just kept thinking about Terry. Yeah. I kept thinking about Terry talking about, you know, how that toy had a big head on it. Yeah. And I was also like, man, how do people put dicks in their butts?

Dude, can I tell you something? It kind of gives me joy that you suffered in a doctor exam. Thank you. Thank you so much. Because women, like, you know, not to, but we do that shit every year. You get a fucking finger in your butt, you get stuff up your cooch, I've had two babies, and all you do is stand there and watch. It's true.

And I've had my stuff messed with. It's just nice to know that you're finally getting some of your butt. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. And then he called me today and he was like, oh, guess what? Everything came back great. And I've never been on cholesterol medication.

Good. And he's like, your cholesterol is down just from lifestyle. It's great. So that's great. Just eating all the McDonald's for that week. Yeah. He's like, I'm not eating McDonald's. And I was like, no, not anymore.

So yeah, that was great. Cool. So. Well, good. So you're healthy. Yeah. I mean, healthy somewhat. Sure.

Yeah. I mean, I'm healthy enough to probably get through the year. Jesus, Tom. I don't know. You got to live. We got two kids, man. I know. I'm going to try to live.

Two kids, two dogs. Big life. Speaking of dogs. Yes. We're having this. We're having this. You should get a physical. We're having this conversation because we've had these dogs now for years and we love

our dogs. But there's this thing. We have Fifo and Bitsy. Yeah. Because I post pictures of them on the gram and people are like, they mistaken Bitsy for Fifo. They're so different. This Fifo, that's this guy is the original.

Oh, yeah. You were wearing an OG Fifo shirt. I don't know if you guys can see. Yeah. Theo was his original name and then. Twenty-fourth. Yeah. He's the best.

And then we got Bitsy. It's on the aim. It's black. Yeah. Well, Bitsy is the pure breed, purebred dog. Brussels griffon. And Fif is the rescue from the hood. And anyway, there's this thing that happens.

People start telling you this when you're about to have a kid. If you have a dog. Oh, that poor dog, you know, he doesn't know that he's about to get a lot less attention and you're like, that's inconceivable because the dog is your world. If you're like, if you're a couple and that's your dog, you know, and man, and it was our world. But they're right. Right.

Like, I mean, they're totally, they're totally right. Like something happens. He was twenty-four seven because what happens is you have all that love and attention. You're putting it on this, this animal that you you legitimately adore, but when you have children, it's not that you go like, fuck this dog. It's that you then not only do you want to, but you have to put so much energy into the human baby. Yes.

That you just have like a, you start to have a little less time. Right. Yeah. You can't like manage every moment. No. And poor Fif. Like I try to make time for Fif and Bits throughout the day. Yeah.

And they sleep with us at night and we give them nighttime. Yeah. That's kind of what we do. It's like the end of the day. They come on to the bed. We watch our shows. They lay on us. It's fun, but it does feel like less and I feel guilty and Fif is also now, you know,

with dogs. He's, he's now a kind of an older guy. Right. Yeah. He's a little bit of an older guy. He's on meds and stuff. And one of the great thrills of that dog is seeing, like when you open the backyard door to let him out and he sees a squirrel, a bunny now, or sometimes a mouse or something, a

rat. Right. Like you see them. Oh yeah. They're bred to. They were bred to be rats. They're from Belgium and they're meant to, to find rats inside of barns and stuff. And you see the DNA.

You see the instincts take over and. So cool. His eyes. Kill, kill, kill. Bug out and hair stands up and he's like, yeah. And then he's just charged up for a while. He's like walking around like, you know, he's just fired up. So fired up.

And he's an old guy. He's an older guy now. It's good. Of course, he's never actually gotten any of those animals, right? But it's just, there's a thrill thing. So we're thinking that it'd be pretty cool just to get, like, just to get him a win. You know, sometimes you're like, this guy needs a win that we would go and get a rabbit, maybe from a breeder or like, I don't know if they do rescue rabbits or something.

And basically make it slow, like break one of its legs and then let beef catch them. Right. Just so you can fucking get the thing for once. Exactly. So, you know, you go and you're like, I want to rescue a bunny and they're like, oh, it's so great. That's my fantasy is they go, yeah, we go to a rescue. And then they're like, oh, you guys are such good people.

You're rescuing this rabbit. Nobody wants him. And you're like, yeah. And they're like, just so you know, uh, for its diet and you're like, yeah, no, I got it. And they're like, well, it's pretty specific. You're like, man, did you, yeah. And then like in the car, we take it out of the car and I take a hammer and I break

both of its legs and then we go to the backyard and we just put it in the backyard and it's like, I don't know what it, and then we're like, beef, go. And then he's like, I got this motherfucker and then he just, I don't know, strangles it or something. Like a rag doll. He just fucking kills like Shark Week, dude. Yeah. You take a bunny, you know, you throw it against the wall.

Yeah. Kind of just shock it. Yeah. And then you're like, beef, go. Yeah. Yeah. But my favorite part is when the person at the shelter is like, you guys are the best people.

Nobody wants these rabbits. Yeah. And we're like, oh, yeah, I know. And then they do the follow-up visit, like they're like, see how Nibbles is doing. We're like, well, we had a problem. What'd you do? What happened? Um, I accidentally stomped on both of its legs.

What? Well, you wouldn't have to do that to the rescue bunny because in my mind, these are two different scenarios. Okay. The rescue rabbit's probably going to be fucked up already. Is it? It might be like bread over bread or in bread, you know what I mean? Yeah.

It might have, it might be like a rescue from like the cosmetics industry. So its eyes are blind and stuff. Sure. We should rescue blind ones. A blind rabbit. Yeah. It doesn't know what the hell's going on. Yeah.

What we need is we need a rabbit in a confined space. Yeah. That's the thing. They're so fast. I watch them chase. They're so fucking fast. But we need to, we need to capture a rabbit, put it in like a little room and then put a beef in that room.

Yeah. Or a squirrel. How do we slow the squirrel down? We could shoot a squirrel with like a BB gun so that it's. Just slow down. It's slowed down. Yeah. That's a really good idea.

Are you a good shot? I'm decent. Yeah. Maybe that's what we do is just shoot squirrels. I want to make it clear. I am not in favor of hurting any animals unless it leads to my dog getting an animal. Okay. Don't send me this shit about don't hurt animals.

I know that. I love my dog. But it's for our dog's entertainment. We love our dog. Yeah. And it's to give him a boost. You know what it is? Yeah.

It's like an old guy getting some Viagra. Uh-huh. You know when the old guy pops a Viagra? Yes. He's like, this thing gets hard again. Yeah. And he's got a little swag. Yeah.

That's all I want for my dog. It's like when old George Bush was like grabbing asses and he was in the wheelchair and kind of old and fucked up. David Copperfield. Yeah. That was his joke. That was it. It's not a bad joke.

I know who my favorite magician is and they're like, no, what, who? He's like David Copperfield. Are you being serious? Yeah. I believe you. Are you being serious? 100% true. Oh, I like that.

Yeah. So he would do photo ops. It was during photo ops and he would be like, he's like, come here, lean down. And then it would lean down. And then I'd be like this cute lady in a dress and he's like, do you know who my favorite magician is? Who? Who?

David Copperfield. Whoa. Yeah. I like that. You know, we talked about it back then. I thought it was such bullshit that the people would be like, I was so hurt and affected. The Me Too people? Yeah.

He's old as shit. A 90 year old guy grabs your ass and you're like, I didn't know. He's fucking old. Yeah. He doesn't even know what's happening. He doesn't know what's going on. He had four teeth left in his mouth. Yeah.

He just fucking, I don't know. Why don't you just put your titties in his face for a second? I don't know if I'd do all that, but if like an old ass guy like that. Just squeeze the tip of his dick. Just squeeze the tip a little bit and just go like. You squeeze his tip. I'm going to come in my hand. Oh, babe.

And just look like fucking dust that comes out of it. Have you ever worked in an old folks home? Yeah. Six, seven years I worked in an old folks home. No, of course not. Oh, I did. How many questions is that? Well, in high school I had to do Christian service hours and we had to deal with old

people. If they've got the energy and the moxie to do what you just said, that whole set up punch thing. Yeah. And you're a magician and I'd be like, dude, good for you. Like at least you have the energy and the will to live enough to do that. Yeah. I'd give it to him.

Yeah. You let him have it a little bit. Because most of them are just laying in their own piss at that stage. They're pretty old. No, it's true. They fuck a lot when they can get around. That's what I hear that the men get away. The old folks homes have a lot of STDs.

That's right. So that like your dad, you know, the old folks homes have a lot of sexually transmitted diseases. Yeah. This in the what's the word? I can't say the R word anymore, mentally challenged people. What are they called? They can't say that.

I can't say the R word. Do you know what he's supposed to fucking call him now, blue man? You're a millennial. Mentally challenged. Yeah. The mentally challenged. The mentally challenged. They get around to.

Sure. Yeah. I've heard they like to fuck. Okay. That's true. You know, speaking of that word, we have. No, don't don't dismiss it as true. They're very Randy.

I know, but we have this is pretty amazing. We have somebody I think she's a she's teaching English as a second language. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think you've seen this. This lady is teaching this and there's is it on YouTube like she puts this out? How does that work? Yeah.

This is a popular YouTube channel that's trying to teach English as a second language. Okay. And just a heads up, all the comments on this are like, oh, they're not really great at English, like the inner workings of the language. That's pretty funny. Yeah. So and this is one of the main, I guess, teachers of it here, this lady, I think she's one of them.

She's one of them. Yeah. Let's let's hear what she says about English. Pretty good. Have you spoken to someone over the phone and thought that, oh my God, this person is so unprofessional or so uninterested. So I'm going to help you with a couple of ways that would help you to talk right over the phone.

So the first trick that I have for you is mention your name when you answer the call and also make sure you have a nice, happy, friendly tone when you answer the call. That's pretty good. That's a good tip. That's a good tip. The second trick that I have for you is speak clearly. Yeah. This is good for you to pronounce your words well.

Yeah. Of course, please do avoid mumbling or talking too fast or gushing. So far this is... This would not help the caller to understand what you are saying. Yeah, but that's... What do you mean gushing? Gushing? Like...

I don't know. Yeah, you can see they're misusing... Oh, okay. Gushing is when you're like overly complimentary. That's right. Right. But I mean, you know, she's still on point with her advice so far. The third one that I have for you is use your words right.

Now, it doesn't make sense if you are talking to your boss or if you are talking to your grandmother and you use the team language or you use slang. Like, you would go, hey, what's up? So are you having fun, a hardcore fun? Your boss or your grandma would think you are completely retarded. So use your words right. That fits the listener. God, that is crazy.

Are you having... You use the R word. So... Are you having hardcore fun? Hardcore fun. Hardcore fun. I cannot believe she said that. She said the R word?

She did. That's terrible. Yeah. That's not hardcore fun at all. You're not supposed to say that. You are completely retarded. Oh, my God. You use the R word.

That is not okay. That is not okay. I'm offended. Are you upset? I'm very upset. You can't tell that I'm upset right now? I'm very, very... I'm very upset right now.

You are completely retarded. Are you retarded? Are you having... I cannot believe that somebody produces a learn language video and put that out there. I'm a little... Is that old or is it recent? That I'm not sure. You don't know?

I'm more concerned about hardcore fun. You are completely retarded. You want to have hardcore fun? No, I mean, that's a phrase at least, the R word. But hardcore fun is not even a... Hey, what's up? Are you having hardcore fun? I was going to knock her in the head one day out here beside the garage because she called me retarded.

I was going to knock her in the head with a claw hammer. Knock her in the head with a claw hammer. Yeah, that's pretty intense. That's a heated debate in your mom's house history. Yeah, it is. Is it R worded or just R word? Yeah, yeah. I don't want to say the word, I'll get in trouble.

Yeah, you should never say it. But you can say R word, but you can't say the real word. That's right, you can't. You can't say it. You use the R word! Man, alright, let's get our buddy in here, right? Or we can do it between them, right? We're going to do it in between?

Yeah, in between. Oh, the dark website? Yeah, we'll do it in between. Okay, okay. Unless you want to do it now. Nah, I don't know. What do you think? We can choose.

We can pick and choose. It's up to you, Gene. Let's just get them in here now. Let's get them in here. Are you ready? Yeah, Potter, why don't you get in there? Okay. Let's go.

R word. Yeah. Hello, how are you? Are you having a hardcore fun? I'm having hardcore fun. Hardcore. Hard fucking core fun. Let's do it.

There's Josh Potter coming in. All right, it is that time again, one of our dear friends, great comedian, excellent producer, is joining us for another segment of his. It is Josh Potter, everybody. All right, Josh. Josh Potter's here. Hey. See, I did that right then.

I just spooled. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it doesn't play. Oh, no. It just happens. But it's supposed to play. There's an intro music. It's supposed to play.

That's me. That's how you know I'm coming. That's how women start crying when they see you. Dude. Outside of Cobbs in San Francisco when we were there, there was a woman crying like that. Really? Very sounded just like that sound. Just from seeing you?

I guess she was outside the show after my set. You were on stage and she was just outside and I was like, going to approach her to see what was going on. But then some other dipshit came up and was like, we got to go. And they were in the show, you think? Yeah, they were wasted. Yeah. Maybe she got kicked out.

That's what happened. That's the best. Yeah. I love when a drunk person gets kicked out. Me too. For real. They're so well-deserved. It always is.

And then they write to you and they're like, I'm sorry. I got kicked out. Can I get tickets to the next thing? Uh-huh. Yeah, I'd love for you to come back and do that again. So great. I'll mention it again, but before I forget, I'm very excited to announce. A lot of people listen to this show, watch the show, Love You, Josh Potter.

Oh, thank you. And you are going to be doing a show, I believe that's Friday? Friday, is that correct? Yes, sir. Friday, March 22nd at the Improv Lab. Okay. Tickets are on sale now. We'll post that link everywhere.

You'll post it on your Twitter. Yeah, yeah. I'll post it on mine. You'll post it on yours. But listen to me. There's a reason I brought this guy all over the country. So he's hilarious. Go to the show if you're LA based.

It's a Friday night. It'll be a fun time. You're going to do a long set. Yeah, I'm pumped for it, dude. Awesome. I'm excited. What's up? What's up, man?

A party. You always have good stuff for us, Josh. What's your... What are you going to show us today? Well, we all know scumbags in comedy. Yes. We've brought them up plenty of times. I spent my early life living in the lowest rung of show business, which is broadcast

radio. Just unbelievably... Terrestrial radio. Comedy can look down on radio. Yeah, exactly. Like segment of entertainment that we can be like, oh, fucking radio guys. Yeah. And here in Hollywood, we know of scumbags in every realm of entertainment.

Yeah. But I don't think enough people realize the scumbaggery that occurs in broadcast radio. Now, why do you think that is, Josh? Because it's the lowest rung of show business. Yeah. It takes an animal to thrive in that environment. Yeah. An animal to thrive, meaning like what, the moving around the...

You know, not knowing your future, moving around. Just the nature of doing a morning zoo show. Yeah. It's got to be tough. Ultimate scumbaggery occurs there. Now, I want to preface this by saying the guys I worked with primarily in my career, super cool, super nice. Right.

Everybody was talented. They evolved with time, not like so many others. And people should know before you get into this just how experienced you are in radio. Oh, yeah. I mean, you worked in radio for a dozen years? Since I was 16 until last year, basically. Okay. Until I was 30.

Yeah. And I worked primarily with Shren Reagan and Buffalo. They were great. Super great. Yeah. But there was a moment where I thought I was going to elevate my career and I moved to Cleveland. And I worked on a morning show there with some psychopaths.

Yeah. In fact, the first gentleman that I bring up in my scumbags of radio is actually the guy that I chose to replace me. What? And this is his mugshot up on the screen if you want to take a look. This guy, wait, you chose to replace you? Yes. I resigned from my position because I couldn't work with these psychopaths and went back to

Buffalo and they were like, who do you think should replace you? And I was like, this guy looks good. And who is this? His name is J.G. Spooner. Wait, why is he shirtless in his mugshot? Is that a lot? Well, there's a few theories on that. But there's some people that speculate that he was just arrested that way.

That's a pretty good speculation. Yeah, I would say so. But others have then noted that the municipality in which he was apprehended requires you to take your shirt off for the mugshot. I don't know why they would do that maybe to get a peek at that sweet Superman tattoo. I think it's for tattoos. Yeah, right? Maybe.

Yeah. Just to judge your slobby shitty body. It could be added humiliation to the way that Sheriff Arapo guy. I don't know how he used to put people in pink jumps here. I love that guy. Yeah. So I think they're like, you got to take your shirt off. It's required by law.

And then they make you look like an idiot like this. But this scumbag... Bert would do real well getting arrested. Oh, he wouldn't have even had a shirt. You got it, guys. You request to take a shirt off at the mugshot? Do you mind? But what this gentleman did, he used his profile on the radio to help a...

friend from elementary school who has cystic fibrosis raise money for a GoFundMe. He thought, you know what? I'm going to bring attention to this GoFundMe page. We'll raise a bunch of money. They did. And then he funneled it all into his bank account. Oh my God. Yeah.

Wow. Real special move. Yeah. How do you figure you're going to get away with that? And you said what type of school was it? A what? What type of school? You said it starts with an E.

L... Oh, and he knew her since elementary school. Elemen. Elemen. Oh, yes. Okay. So am I saying it differently than you guys? No.

That sounds right. Say it again. How do you say it? Elementary. Hmm. Hmm. No. Hmm.

That's a different way of saying it. That sure is. You vote, though. Is that the Buffalo way of saying it? I don't believe so. I think that's the Queen's English. Elementary. No.

Nobody says elementary. You're literally the first guy of elementary. Yeah, I've never heard that one. Who was able to complete sentences and pay for things that says elementary. Where did you hear it that way? Who said that to you? I don't know. I don't know.

I never knew I said it weird until just now. Your parents aren't foreigners. Yeah, they are. My dad is a complete foreigner. Oh, that's a foreigner thing, man. It's elementary. Elementary. Elementary.

Yeah, John. Not elementary. So this is a real special dude. Yeah. So I mean, and then there's actual, you can go on YouTube and find videos of him lying to people. Like he also scammed the guy who made his website for this charity. He scammed some people out of, he posted on Craigslist a rental home that he did not

own and then accepted payments for it up to $8,000. Wow. Is he in jail right now? He is as a matter of fact. He was sentenced to 30 months in jail because he also, during the investigations for the first couple of scams, he obviously got fired from the radio station and then a family friend brought him in and said, you know what, work at my bar while you're trying to get back on your feet.

And while he was there, he stole blank checks and then wrote out checks for $6,000. Yeah. Jesus. I mean, you got to think in this day and age, you're going to get caught. This stuff is so traceable and trackable. But it is like this fascinating thing you were saying though about the radio business because you do get to go like, I am officially in show business. You know what I mean?

You stepped into and you have, you can work in pretty low radio and still like you run in, celebrities come into your studio. Of course. Right? So it's like this. But you make no money. That's crazy to me. No money.

You make poverty level money. So I can like, I can understand maybe this guy, he had a kid. You know, maybe he was just really up against it, but also these radio folk have a lot of demons. Yeah. A lot of them have gambling issues. Yeah. A lot of them have.

Drugs. Drinking and drug issues. So he, I didn't know anything about those types of things with him when I met him. Right. You get everything but the money in most cases. Oh my God. That's terrible. Yeah.

You get access. Yeah. Terrible. You're like, oh. You get tons of access. Yeah. You know, a celebrity without money is the fucking, speaking as somebody who was on a reality show in the nineties, it's the worst thing ever because people will yell at you

on the streets and stuff like, Hey, Christina, are we stupid bitch? Road rules. Yeah. And then you have no way to insulate yourself from people. No way. And it's also, you're supposed to like glad hang clients and people who are like advertisers and you can't even compete with them in terms of social interaction because you have no money to like.

You told me. You told me of a radio guy. I don't think he's one of the people featured here who was like, he had, he was in, let's say he had played sports and he was like, I'm not paying for anything at this bar. And like, like it was just that thing. He was like, I'm not like they, they should just comp it. Yeah. And then they did.

And a lot of people operate on that level. Wow. Especially former athletes in the broadcast realm because they're so used to being, you know, taken care of all the way along and then they start working in radio and people kind of slight them a little bit because now they're in radio, right? But then they're like, I'm still the shit and they, and they get their way a lot of times. Yeah.

And the, and a lot of times not just athletes, but radio guys, I remember talking to a few that all drove free vehicles because they, you know, an endorsement. Yeah. You try and supplement your income with endorsements and appearances and things like that. Well, you gotta think it's so unnatural to set your alarm to wake up. What time did you wake up? 30 in the morning. Four or five.

Yeah. Okay. And Cleveland, I woke up at three. That's what I'm saying. And so it's three in the morning. Everybody's still dark and then you're expected to be like, Hey, everybody, it's just not normal. No.

The whole thing is so unnatural. And like some of those, those morning shows too, it's just, I don't know how you can deal with it. I don't, I, I worked for a very good one. So I understand, I've seen the others and I understand the laziness. I understand as a comic not going in there and not being excited about it. That's for sure. That changed with like, even though the truth is there's, there's a narrative among some

podcasters that they're like, radio's dead and podcasting is it? And it's cool that podcasting has grown so much. Radio's still definitely something that more Americans listen to without a doubt. I've seen the statistics on it. But there's just no money being funneled in for content. And the truth is in some markets, it is a total waste of time to do as promotion for your show. But like the club will have a history with them.

You know what I mean? So they'll be like, come do this show and you can go on the show for two fucking hours and kill. And you're like, so what happened to the phone lines? Did they blow up? Like did I sell a bunch of tickets? No, nothing happened. Why?

Well, because no one listens to that fucking show here. I have literally, I've wanted to go on those radio shows where no one's listening and be like, if anybody shows up to my show tonight at this club, I will personally, I'll give you a blow job. If you tell me you heard me on this show. Yeah, it's never happened. Now, man, Fargo, North Dakota is missing out. Yeah, I have a really cool this next gentleman.

OK, maybe you did his show down back in the day. Although, I mean, I just really like to set cock, especially big black cock. That's Christina. OK, well, it kind of transitions well into this next gentleman. The grease man. This guy was it where? He was in Washington, DC. That's where he was most notable.

Stern used to rip on this guy really back in the day. He's still works, believe it or not. We'll get into that in a little bit. But I'm going to let first I want you to hear what this type of show this guy does. Let's listen to some of his humor. OK, yeah, check it out. Let's let's try this out. Try it out, Mr.

Grease man. Let's hear what you say. You're listening to the grease man on DC 101. Oh, you know what I'm getting the urge for? No, we're getting complaints. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop talking about it anytime now, but I can't help it. I got the urge for an ugly woman. I mean, I mean, I mean, you don't like this stuff.

It would bring me a big job. It's painful rub, too. I like to ladder them up and make people run. All right, you could you get it. Yeah, no, I got it. This is like the guy that's like, I want a woman drama to the pain clinic. Yeah, similar, right? It's very similar.

He's making he's making a plea to all the ugly women in his listening audience that he is a dumpster diver and he is ready to just get down with it. Oh, OK, that's the type of humor you get with. That's the kind of guy you get, man. Yeah, yeah, and he had that. He'd make a lot of weird noises. He'd be like the grease man and make things like that. But let's listen to some of his humor that he got in trouble for.

OK, a talk show host, Joe Madison and his listeners spent the evening talking about the grease man and the comment the country is now talking about Wednesday after playing a song by Grammy Award winner Lauren Hill. The grease man said no wonder people dragged them behind trucks a reference to the killing of a black man in Jasper, Texas. The grease man for years, an equal opportunity offender later offered this apology. I'm truly sorry for the pain and hurt I've caused with my unfeeling comment.

I could take it back. I would. This remark was a grave error in my judge. Sounded genuine. Yeah, yeah, he's doing his wacky voice. Yeah, his lawyer had nothing to do with that. Oh, I'll doodle. I'm sorry for saying race is shit. Oh, that's really cool. Oh, my second diseases.

Now, you might think, you know, maybe he slipped up once. You know, you're dancing that line for four hours a day. You know, you might make a mistake here and there. It's not the first time the grease man got in trouble. Really? No. It wasn't the first time the grease man made a racially offensive remark. Back in 1986, the grease man was talking about the Martin Luther King holiday and said, kill four more and we can take a whole week off.

His old station, WWDC, was picketed and the grease man defended his comments. Anybody that listens to my show regularly and knows me personally, knows that I'm not a bigot. I despise racism. He said, I despise racism. And I think it's a good time, by the way, to wish everyone a happy Martin Luther King day. That's right. Yeah, today. Yeah, as we record the show. Yes, that's true. Yes.

But we can celebrate the whole week as the grease man says. But yeah, he didn't get fired for that first comment. Stayed on the air. Yeah, there was outrage. There was outrage for him in 86. Yeah, that's how racist this shit was in 1986. They're like, that's racist. They're like, you really shouldn't be talking.

Yeah. In the second instance where he actually got fired was 99. So even even then, you could be a complete. All right, really push it. But wow, like every cockroach in this business. He resurfaced in Jacksonville, Florida. Of course, Jacksonville. And he stayed on the air there until 2010. And then they just the station went in a different direction.

He didn't even unceremoniously get fired from that job, believe it or not. He just. And now he does an Internet radio show. So you can check the grease man out. God, see if he still slips up. Now he can say whatever the fuck he wants. Well, sure. So I bet he's saying. And the grease ball.

What kind of money do you think he was making at the end there? Oh, at the end? Yeah, Jacksonville stuff. Jacksonville stuff. Yeah, probably not much. I'm going to say like, I'm going to say generously. Sixty grand. Really? Yeah, really?

It had to have been low. I mean, he was doing the morning show. He was doing afternoon drive. OK, so that's like the second. That's the second tier. Yeah. Second best. So those first is morning morning. Yeah. That's the prime slot.

That's the top. And then the drive time is the. Then afternoon drive, then maybe middays, then nights. Wow. Yeah. Or you can be like me and get a million jobs and do mornings, nights, all of them, and just get paid the same. That's true. That is cool. You know, the grease man, like it's not even really an attempted humor.

That's the thing. It's just blatant, like shittery. I think he would disagree. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Who? But you know what would be funny is not not even to talk to him. It's like to find the person who goes, you know, who really makes me laugh. The grease man. That's who I would talk to.

It was like, what's your favorite part? You know, he's like, what's not fucking? Somebody does think he's that's what I'm saying. No, he had a whole audience for a long ass time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to ugly woman that. Yeah, go give me an ugly woman grease man. How did that start that talking that wacky?

I don't know. Is that just to keep people's attention? Hey, guys, yeah, I wasn't in. Oh, they sound like you got some great pipes over there. Is this last man a real piece of garbage? This last man is actually my spirit animal. He's he's my favorite. He's like a scumbag that I revere.

Oh, OK. Yeah, he's like a special sort. So here's what he looks like. Yeah, he looks really well. Yeah, real. Yeah, he's a straight lace newsman actually from Buffalo. Looks like in Buffalo. Yeah, he was totally straight lace. We can listen to a little bit of him.

He didn't have the voice or anything. He was totally button up if you want to bring that clip up. But yeah, he worked in news radio. W. G. R. 72 is the high. We're at 66 degrees now. I'm the weather rod to you by settlers and the 509 and a half of G. R. 55 surprise. I want to try it for somebody right now.

So you can get a hold of a contestant. You get the idea. So yeah, basically, he's a straight up newsdude. What's his name? His name is Frank Benny. OK. And he was on in the 60s, 70s, 80s. He went all the way through the decades.

But he had demons like so many do. He had a big drinking problem. He also was a bit of a gambler. Spent a lot of money on gambling. And what he did was one day in the 70s, he finished his broadcast at 10 a.m., left the studio, went back to a suburb of Buffalo, Snyder, and robbed a bank. Wow.

Yeah, right after he got off the air. Yep, in the 70s. So you could still kind of get away with it back then. Well, he did not. Moments later after the robbery, he went in with a stocking over his face and a toy gun, by the way. It was later found out it was to be a toy gun. But after the robbery, he left with about a $503 and went home

to his home in Williamsville and was greeted by Amherst police with guns drawn in his driveway. I didn't have to do a real prison sentence. No. He pled temporary insanity. Wow. And got away with it. And the judge sentenced him to two months in a hospital.

So he went to the hospital for two months. Within six months of the robbery, he was back on the air at WGF. No. Yes. Because he was found guilty through temporary insanity, there was public outcry and public sympathy. And management recognized that and said, due to public sympathy, we are going to give him his job back.

Oh, my God. Holy shit. So he was fired. He was fired. Yeah, of course. And then they were like, get the bank robber back in here. Yeah, but this was the 70s. People were way less aware.

How much of a thrill would it be to rob a bank? You think so? I think about it a lot. Oh, my God. That's your crime. Besides murder, we know that's your number one favorite crime that you could do. I mean, I think robbing a bank, I can only imagine

with the adrenaline rush. Is it the terror in people's eyes that you like? No. That part would be fun. Come on. I think that's fun to see, of course, people crying and wondering if they're going to make it. Children and women.

I think the planning, you'd have moments where you're calm, and then you do your casing the joint, right? Like, how are you going to drive out of here? What's the response time? All your planning, but the day you're like, I'm going to do it, I mean, your heart rate must just be through the roof. And when you walk in to do it, you've got to go to skies. The mask thing is too crazy.

You've got to do something kind of cool, I think, too. Like a cool mask, you know? Yeah. Do like a purge mask, or? I would like to do that dog mask that you got back there. The dog mask. The dog mask? What if they put out like an APB for the dog, you know?

Yeah, that'd be cool. Then you get a cool name. Yeah. Like an outlaw name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bark robber. The bark robber. Yeah.

I thought about this a lot when you're in a bank. Do you ever think about a robber coming in? All the time. And if you take action? No. I was thinking about this is the time. I always think, like, what if it's right? Do you think I'd take action for a fucking bank robber?

No way. Well, here's where I would take action if the bank teller was a babe. Oh, you would? Yeah, that's the only circumstance. Dude, that guy, the bank robber, just takes the butt of a shotgun and just smacks you. Everything in your face just snaps you.

Oh, god! My orbitals busted wide open. And then you hear that babe telling the cops, she's like, this fucking idiot tried to snap me. You're like, oh, he's trying to help. I'm a fucking idiot. He's the pretty lady. OK.

You know what I'd want to do? I'd want to steal a car. I feel like that would be the ultimate thrill. And it seems attainable as a goal. I feel like I could learn how to do that now. Do you want to know why I think Frank Benny is a genius, by the way? Why?

Because it was a win-win situation for him. He thought he, by the way, he was a crazy gambler. He was in debt to the mafia. Oh, that's why he robbed the bank. So he robbed the bank. If he got away with it and got money, he could then pay the people back. If he didn't get away with it, it

was high-profile enough where the mafia couldn't fuck with him. Right. Oh, that is smart. So there are theories that say that he was thinking that going in. Then he is a fucking real genius. Yeah. Dude, who borrows money from the mob?

Like, you really got to be in your addiction. Gambling in the 70s, it was probably a common thing when you have a bookie, right? That's so fucking crazy. Yeah, and the guys that I used to work for, they have tapes of him, cassette tapes, from when they were working on the same station late in this man's career, where he is just blasted on the air.

I love it. It's so fucking hilarious. Who, this guy? Yes, because he would drink on the air once after a while. He'd just be on the air like, oh, we got 75 degrees. And oh, shit, like he'd shit his pants. Oh, that's great. Don't forget the, we.

Yes, my love. So when we watched the other day, we took our kind of our redo of our anniversary. Yeah. We watched one of the Rocks movies. Which one? It was Sky Scraper. It was called Sky Scraper.

He has one leg, right? Yeah, yeah, he's missing a leg. And it's one of the. Which has nothing to do with the story, though, right? No, I mean. It doesn't really matter that he has one leg. It's one of the dumbest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. And you can tell that, like, it's got,

it has to have 100 plus million dollar project. Wait, and it's one of those movies where you can get up and go to the bathroom. And I'll get up and go to the bathroom. And Tom's like, do you want me to pause it? I'm like, no, I can figure it out. I have a feeling I know what's gonna happen. And you come back and you're like, oh,

there's more screaming and things are blowing up. Yeah, I got it. It's just so dumb. But it's entertaining, you know? It was like, it's like, it's a good one to waste time to. Popcorn flick. Yeah, it's a real waste time. Then we got to talking about it, right?

What did we get to talking about? Well, we were looking at him and he's so big and he's so handsome and thinking. We were thinking, like, how big is the rock's dick? Yeah. And that's right. The dick detectives. What do you think?

Well, here's the deal, man, that we've been talking about the dick detectives for years. And what we've learned is that penis size is not proportionate necessarily to one's stature. This is true. This is true. So it could be deceiving. He's a big guy, but he could have a tiny penis.

Could be. And you have no evidence to support or. Nothing. It's just all. It's all theory. Speculation. See, I think the man works so hard and he is constantly overcompensating.

It's either for that small dick or it's because he can't shake his first failure as a wrestler back in the day. Do you think he was a failure as a wrestler? There was a moment where when he debuted as Rocky Maivia, he came out to silence, not booze, because booze and wrestling is like you win. It's the extremes, the cheers and the booze.

He came out to just lukewarm reception. This is a debut on the big stage? Yes. Oh, OK. His debut is like the blue chipper, Rocky Maivia, and he came out and no one gave a shit. Well, I will say that I enjoy watching him. I've watched a few of his dumb movies.

There was another one like Hurricane. They're always like one word. Yeah, I mean, it's entertainment, you know? Waterfall. So you think he overcompensates for a small dick or what? I don't think so. I find him to be deeply confident, actually. I think he's grounded.

I think he's got a healthy hog on. I don't think he has a donkey dick where people are like, get out of here with that thing. But I think it's kind of appropriate for being 6'5 and 250 or whatever he is. Like, I think it probably looks like it fits. I think he probably has a decent piece. But on the rock, you're expecting this fucking baby arm.

If you see the traps and the shoulders, you're just like, well, and I don't think it lives up to that. So the mediocre dick on such a frame is disappointing. But here's the thing, even a regular-sized penis on such a frame, I mean, it's going to look really small. Oh, definitely. Yeah, 100%. He's got to have a gargantuan penis.

Even if it's like, even if he had like six and a half, like, let's say seven and a half inches, which is above the average size by a bit on him, you'd be like, what's that little fucking night switch you got for his back? Right, night switch. Because he's essentially built like the incredible Hulk. Totally.

So what was Hulk's dick like? So you want it to be, to line up with your expectations, it should be 12 inches long, 9 inches in circumference. I see what you're saying. It should have the same veins that pop out of his neck and his arms. And you'd be like, yeah, that'll kill somebody. Because he's such a specimen, you expect his dick to also be.

Yes. So basically. Yes, that's the problem. Our expectations are so high for his dogs. Yeah, like if you looked at me, low expectations. I'm going to blow you out of the water. Oh, yeah, if yours is four and a half. Yeah, and it, you know, I don't know, if it still works.

You put the rock stick on me. Yes. Now can I tell you my big thing about you that I didn't realize? I thought when you were talking about your delayed ejaculation and how it's, you can't come with women, I thought you meant like every once in a while, that's what happens.

Like in other words. The inverse of that, actually. Yeah, I didn't understand. I thought you meant like, oh, I can't come all the time with women. But what you meant is. No, I can't come all the time. I don't understand.

You're saying even when you're alone. No, I can do it alone. When I'm with, when another person is aiding me in that task, I can't, it's like, it feels like stage fright when you're at a urinal, you can't piss. So it's like, eventually I have to like take over and be like, I'll take care of it. But like, your tongue's never like,

I'm ready to, let's get it out. Like, you don't have that. I mean, it is and it isn't. I mean, it is and it can't do it. It's just, it's like, it stays hard. It's there. It's acting appropriately, except for the fact that it just has no punctuation moments.

But when you're alone, everything's fine. I make myself rock out. Yeah. Easy. Most of your sexual endeavors end with like, you know, nothing happens with the girl. And then when she leaves, you're like, okay, now I'll finish myself.

I usually finish while she's there. Oh, really? Yeah, I can do it myself. Oh, you're like, I'll take care of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she participates, like she watches. If she wants, depends how involved she wants to get. Some of them just kind of like roll over and don't do shit.

But you inside of her, nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I mean, not nothing. I know, but I mean, you don't finish. Right. God. And what did Dr. Drew say to you about that?

He didn't say much. He basically said what you're, he's like, you gotta find a way to have her get involved with you. Yeah, yeah. I gotta basically get myself to that point and then like hope that she can finish it off. Open your mouth and your eyes. But that's not gonna, or have her take over.

That's, no, no, no. You finish it, but she's involved. I don't know. I don't know. That's too crazy. It is wild that you don't, you can't, you don't even. You can't even like, to have them. Now is it weird that I'm getting involved right now?

Sometimes how it ends like, oh my God, it's pretty weird. Oh, I've got to imagine that women feel very insecure when this happens. I would probably, I've got to admit, I would probably be like, what, why can't I do this? It's fucked up relationships. Oh, it has?

Oh, yeah. Oh, I bet. And I feel like you're just not hot. Yeah, it was. You tell them that? Oh my God. We gotta get the rock to comment on our, you think he'll make a post for us?

I would like to know what kind of piece he's handing back. Come on, Dwayne. Let us know what's up, man. Let us know. The Dick Detectives. And then he raises his eyebrow for sure. Yeah, he's like, you're going to take the people's cum. Don't forget guys, Josh Potter,

you're going to see him March 22nd, 10 p.m. show at the improv lab. Tickets are on sale now. We'll post the link everywhere. And get tickets to see him. He's absolutely hilarious. Yes, I'm pumped. Thanks, dude.

Absolutely. Your mom's house will be right back. All right, this is long overdue. And we finally got him here. He is a comedian, a director, and one of the highest ranking white people in the black culture world. Yeah, that's right.

I'm a lieutenant. You're like a lieutenant amongst black culture. It is Neil Brennan. Yes, yes. Welcome. Yes, now I'm going to explain why I want to be here, which is I don't listen to the podcast, but I watch the fuck out of the clips, right?

Oh, can't get it. You know, I watch the fuck out of Instagram, right? Yeah. I want to know, anytime I've posted anything related to you, my comments will be flooded with a language that's like fucking orc language. Yes, it's like trying to.

Like mom, genes. What's with the genes? Yeah. Gene, so I've just, okay. So can we go through just a glossary for the uninitiated? Sure, sure. What's with the genes?

Yeah. Yes. So you probably explained it before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but it makes sense. We get asked a lot, especially people who go like, hey, I just got into the podcast two weeks ago, what the fuck is going on?

And there's a lot to cover. You know, there's a lot to do. There's a lot though, but so we should start with the basics. Genes is probably basic. Genes is what the show is based on. Genes is like the premise of Star Wars. It's the force.

Yeah. It's what we're inside. That doesn't make any sense at all. That doesn't mean anything. This is, okay. It comes from, the whole thing is based on lingo. That, the genes thing is based on lingo

from our relationship. Meaning it was like, we started to call each other as a joke when we're living in an apartment. It's like you're leaving for the day. I'd be like, I'm leaving. I'll be back later, mommy. Right?

Like say mommy. Yeah. And then that evolved into mommy genes. And then that evolved into dropping mommy and just saying genes. Okay. And then, you know what I mean? It's just like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You started as a pet name. And then it started to, you know how you see somebody who wears like genes that are too high and too tight. And you know what the fuck is it? So we started to say basically that that person's got it going on.

Like that guy is living life the right way. So like where I'm high and tight. And that when you fuck up, when you do something stupid or embarrassing, is cause your genes are low and loose. Okay, great. So it was, we flipped that on its head. Okay, great.

So like if we do something and people are like, that wasn't cool. Somebody should set up a Wikipedia page with all this on it. That's probably a good idea. Like for real. Because it's lore. Somebody created a page of the sound drops

and like over a thousand sound drops are on it. Wow. So like they put. Is there stuff that you guys go like, let's not do this on the show. This is just for us still. This is just for the house. I don't know.

It's not really much. I mean nothing. Why would you throw it away like that? Throw it away on your relationship. Yeah, no. Okay. Well there's stuff that just can't translate to the show. Like right now Tom and I are hooked on this

Martin Lawrence joke from like a decade ago. And we just like. We do it to each other. Yeah. And then like sometimes we'll play the clip. But it's when he was talking about that dance, the cha cha slide. And just we just get hooked on a phrase.

Yeah, of course. So he was making fun of dances. And like he's like that shit. He goes, I can't even say it. He's like, you know, he's like, dances used to be like real calm. He's like, now it's like, do move your hips like this one time.

Now keep moving your hips like this. And that's it. And he's like, that shit is easy. And like we just keep fucking saying it. Yeah, that's fair. Now think about it. Yeah, stop. Think about it.

But that's what I, I'm always impressed in your act, how many other people's, just you do, you've made a, you'll take other people's phrases. Yeah. And make,

you'll build a fucking castle around them. And it's like bikes. Bikes being the best example, where I have a million of those. And I would never think to explain, where it comes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I have a fucking million of those,

like just dumb things, like dumb hooks in your head. That's exactly what it is. This show is dumb hooks in your head. And sharing them. Yes. And then it naturally evolves into your standup. So the bikes thing was like,

the bikes came, came from the podcast. It was not standup. It was, we were playing a Scared Straight 99. Right, of course. Which is the one off. So it wasn't the show, it was a special.

One time special. It was MTV? It was MTV. And they aired it Uncensored, which was Bananas. And that guy was just, I mean, he stole the show. And he was fucking verbally abusive to these kids.

But in a really, it was, he reminded me of like Robin Harris. Yeah. And he was, he was like, you big fat, fat, sloppy motherfucker. Saying shit like that. And I was like,

oh, just crying. Wait, wasn't Scared Straight, there was an original one from like the 80s, right? There's one before that. Yes. That was even way crazier. Wasn't it? It was,

well, it was, those guys, it was the 70s. It was the 70s. Yeah. People were different. People were different. Oh yeah.

Yes. So like the dudes were different. And they didn't, they didn't have hooks. They didn't have hooks. This guy. Honestly. No, you're right.

Yeah. This guy, the other thing that's hilarious is you watch that thing. Man. One of the kids doesn't want to do, and you know that the kids ultimately are not going to get hurt, but these guys really toe the line.

And he, that guy who screams bikes is telling the kids, he's like apologized. And as he's saying apologized, he gets this far. I mean, he gets this far. And as he's saying it, spit is flying off of his lip.

And he's like, I know you don't like them. Motherfuckers spit in your face. And he like spit is flying in his face. And they call him a faggot. And they're just saying, really crazy shit. But you know,

because you're like on the show, you're like it's not gonna, like he's not gonna hit him. Yeah. Cause he's also gonna get another 10 years if he hits him. Absolutely. Start saying all this shit. And he is saying shit.

Like the things I said in my act about it, like how he's like, I'm gonna make you suck my dick every day. And he says that shit to him. And it's all so heightened. Like he, the whole time he screams and yells the entire time. Says motherfucker like a thousand times.

And then if you look up, it didn't air it on that, but if you look up like the follow-up piece MTV did, they cut to that prisoner. This guy right here. BAM! And they're like, like tell us about the experience.

And he's like, well, you know, it's great to be able to have these kids. He just completely flipped. He's like, you know, we do that so that they learn. So they'll come back. And you're like, dude, like nothing about your message was ever like, seemed to control.

Does it ever work? I wonder if that ever works for these kids. You know, they can't prove like, well, I was gonna do crime. Well, you know that they got one of the guys on that. I mean, first of all, multiple people who have been part of the scared straight stuff have violated again.

The Bikes kid, the kid that got yelled at, it was going back to jail when I was doing, like after I did the special, I met somebody who was in class with him in middle school. And they're like, he's going back to jail. And they're like, he caught hell for that when it aired. But there's a guy who's on the scared straight special where they do the follow-up on MTV.

And they're like, how did it help you? And he's like a totally straight in my life away. Like you can look this up. He was found later guilty of like murder and bearing a body. Really? Jesus. And he's on the special.

And he's one of the kids who you think is kind of like has it together. Like he doesn't- And he didn't. Wow. He murdered somebody later. Yeah. Yeah.

And he was like, he's like, I have kids now and I live my life this way. Total psycho murdered someone. Okay. Great. Bikes. All right. So let's just go with the, who's Randy?

Who's Randy? That is really, really deep in the vault. What is the order in the bump? It goes like, don't even put an 11 to this. Okay. Your mom is a fucking sham. Yeah, yeah. Don't bring anyone's mom into this.

That's Mr. T. Don't bring anyone's mom into this. Don't bring anyone's mother into this. When we were building the show into the universe. It was exactly what you said where it was like, head hooks, right? Like just drops in your head. The earliest one.

And it was also like mom themed because your mom's house was supposed to be something silly to say to someone. Like listen to your, you know. Yeah. Like when you say it, people are like, we need your mom so they get kind of like pulled back. Because we literally sat down at our dinner table

and we were like, what's the dumbest thing you could name a podcast? Yeah. It was stupidest thing, your mom's house. Yeah. Yeah. So all right, so it goes, this shit is big time, right? That's what the first thing-

Yeah, who is that? That's a coach, Tim Ice Harris. This shit is big time! So he's giving- He's giving, he should be easy. This is so funny cause it's like meeting my heroes. Like wait, what? Oh my God.

Have you never seen Year of the Bull? No. Okay, so one of the first things that we profile- And I don't know who's Julie. We'll get to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no, yeah. So the first thing that we did is we,

one of the first things, we profiled the documentary Stevie. Yeah, it's about a guy- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a real five-dancing. That's the guy who did the Poop Dreams made Stevie. Yes, exactly right. Okay.

So we played that and we dissected it for, I don't know, you know. He's the only dad I've ever known. And like all his fun drops. And then next was a documentary called Year of the Bull, which features the Miami Northwestern Bulls in Liberty City, Miami. Which has produced, at the time of the documentary,

which is now more than 10 years old, it had already produced 19 NFL players. So a bonkers program. And there's just like some crazy just phrases and things screamed in there. So it was like, it was a perfect way to open the show is like the guy saying this shit is big time, the show is starting, this shit is big time.

Then your mom's house, don't bring anyone's mother into this, which is- Mr. T, it was a PSA from the 80s about kids insulting each other and bullying each other. And they were doing your mama jokes or whatever. And he's like, don't bring anyone's mother into this. And he like separates the kids. So that's Mr. T.

Great. And then- Your mama's in the fucking stands. Well, that's- Wait, who was Randy's before that? Who is Randy? No, that's a dark one. That is a random one that is really dark.

Neil, you had to ask. It's really dark. Please. All right, so real sports on HBO. Please. I've seen them all. Okay, so there's one, they've done a number. We almost did a sketch on Chappelle's Show

based around a hook from real sports. Really? V.J. Singh, the golfer who's like Indonesian, had beef with his caddy. And- This was the pitch or this is reality? No, this was on real- It's already funny.

Yeah, had beef with his caddy. The caddy said he was an asshole. And V.J. Singh said like talking about the caddies. Like, well, his name, the caddy's name was Dave. And he goes, there's things you don't know about Dave. So, he drinks and then he goes, he comes to work smelling of drink. So me and Javel would just say smelling of drink.

Smelling of drink. Fucking. That sounds like hardcore fun. Smelling of drink. Smelling of drink. Smelling of drink, yeah. So wait, this is a sidetrack, but like did you know, for people who don't know,

you co-created, wrote and directed. Chappelle show, and obviously one of the most famous, celebrated, successful, sketch shows of all time. Did you guys like riff to come up with sketches? Yeah, that most was, yeah, like that was, we would, it was more like, like the real world, I'm trying to think of like specific, the blind white supremacist thing.

Oh my Christ. Was Chappelle's grandfather was blind and super light-skinned. So the day Martin Luther King got shot, he was on a bus and he heard these black dudes like, like menacing a white dude, like, and then he realized it was him. Like, what the fuck are you doing on this bus,

cracking, did it, did it, and he was like, oh, this dude's in trouble. And he's like, oh, it's me. Oh, they're yelling at me. They're yelling at him. Cause he was light-skinned and he thought, so they thought he was white. So that was the basis of that.

And then we just built out from there. That has to be one of the, in my opinion, best comedy sketches of all time. So fucking funny. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Like, it's a great sketch. Like, there's just a bunch of really good jokes in it. And it's like the idea.

And you used to be, by the way, it was one of my, I obviously didn't know you. You were like an Easter egg in so many sketches. Now, thinking back, I haven't seen those sketches in a while. My head exploded. Your head explodes. My head exploded. My, one of my favorites was Black Gallagher.

Oh yeah, we're bandanaing the crowd. But the volume is down and you go, Pee on me, you black son of a bitch. No, Chappelle said pee on me. And I said, smash some fruit, you black son of a bitch. Oh, that's what you said. Yeah, yeah. I think it was, and Chappelle said, pee on me.

Yeah, pee on you, you black son of a bitch. I laughed so hard at that. I remember I was watching that with Sickler, because that was back when it was, something's gonna air and you gotta watch it. And we would like go back and like, I feel like he coughed at, he's like, did you hear what this guy said?

And we would like, teave overwind. Yeah, you had to work for it. Yeah, that was great. Yeah, that was like under, like it was like. Yeah, mixed it low. I'd mixed it nice and low. That was great. Yeah, like, the real world was a thing.

Oh my God, that was great too. That we, Chappelle's friend had been on the second season, Dave Edwards, he was comic, he was the one who pulled the blanket and then got in trouble. Oh yeah, I know Dave. And like, Chappelle was on the phone with him when it happened.

So like, we'd always sort of thought about the real world as like, they just make black dudes look bad. And then we figured like. So did you first draft most of this stuff? Like, would you like hear like, here's a version? And then you guys would. We would, no, we would like,

literally sit in a room together. And type it up. Yeah. Like type, type, type, type. Jesus Christ. You go, type, type, type, type. You go. Like, it wasn't like, I think people see it as like,

either Dave's the genius and I'm his typist or I'm the like, or I'm like, tell Dave what to do. And it's like, oh, or we're both funny. Yeah. I don't know. Could that be possible? No, not possible.

One of you has. Okay. How did you go? And at that point, are you guys like, you guys were friends and I work. I work. I met him when I worked at the door of the comedy club in New York, the Boston comedy club,

like in the early nineties, I was going to school. And then, and then I, my brother's a comic. So I was working. I like got a job working the door. Did he show you the ropes, your brother? Like how? He basically, like he would bring me around, but like in the eighties, in the late eighties,

like so the cool thing was like, I knew a tell when he was an open mic. I knew. That's crazy. I mean, for real. How old are you? 65. Yeah.

Basically. No, I was 16 when I was like. That's crazy. When I was, I was in high school and like, knew a tell and Romano and all these guys that like, were barely, if making a living, barely making a living. Really? Like I remember Romano got fired

from news radio, Joe replaced him. Yeah. Romano got fired and I remember thinking, all of us were like, how was Ray gonna make a living? Right. Like he's got kids. Like, and then, but we were all like, he's really fucking funny.

Yeah. So like. He pulled it together. He figured it out. Yeah. But, but so I knew, like me and Chabelle were the only young guys in Jaymore. And like these guys read Johnny the round guy,

they were like, they were a comedy team. John DiMaggio does. He's the voice of like a bunch of cartoons. Like he does like, he does like, he was on Futurama. He's like the robot, I think. Yeah. So we were the only like young dudes

and like me and Dave got along really well. And then I moved out here to write for like, singled out on MTV and all that on Nickelodeon. And then me and Chabelle were still always friends. We wrote half baked. And then we sort of like drifted it for a second. And then, cause half baked was sort of a tank. And then.

So what was that a tank? Cause isn't it funny to be a part of something that. I know that now. Like, yeah. And it was like, oh no, that fucked my career up. Yeah. It's so weird, right? Like, I love that you guys all think it's this fucking huge.

The other one that's, I mean, like he's super successful, but like box office didn't do well was a idiocracy. The mic. Oh my fuck. That's a brilliant movie. But like, you talk to people that. That might be the funny. It's my favorite movie.

Yeah. They like stopped funding the movie. Yeah. Like he was fucked up. Like he wasn't going well. Like that was a disaster for him. So yeah. But half baked is like.

Oh, people love it. Yeah. They love it. Yeah. But yeah, like. Horrible box office. Horrible. Opened against Titanic.

Oh shit. GoldenEye, Goodwill Hunting. Oh my God. And something. And maybe Big Lebowski. Oh my God. What I love about the movie business too is like, people are really, you know, hopeful for box office

and talk to you a certain way. And like, if your movie doesn't do well, they were like, you're a piece of shit. They literally look at you like your, your garbage. I spiced, cause I remember I went to, again, I'm, I'm going to tell stories that make me sound like I'm a million years old. I went to the bow finger premiere.

Yeah. And, and it was a universal movie was later. It was like the same year as happy. And the head of universal looked at me like, you're a fucking retarded piece of garbage. And it was like, I was like, all right, I'm never going to a premiere again. I really haven't gone since.

And, and it's just they, it's this, they act like they didn't have anything to do with it. They act like. Right. It's your fault. I would say it's like Mission Impossible where like, if this fails, there's no record. They, they act like they had,

they're just divorced themselves completely. And, and they, and then the thing of like, do you guys ever have the thing where people act like they haven't met you? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. And you're like, I met, I'm a fucking,

all human beings are good at is remembering faces. Like the fact that you're acting like, did we meet? Yeah. Like shut it. Yeah. Um, and if I always like, if someone, I feel like they're going to act like we didn't meet. Yeah.

I'll be like, Hey man, we met. That's smart. Yeah. It's like, have you ever had now, like somebody you're like, Oh, I'm doing whatever gig in San Diego and they're like, Oh, who are you, who are you working with? Who are you opening for?

And you're like, Yeah. Really? Yeah. No, I'm not open for anybody. Yeah. Um, some, uh, yeah. So, uh, the, um, yeah. So that's how I knew Dave.

So he was, his career was fucked up after I baked. I felt bad, uh, like they literally sit on CNN. His career was over. What? From that movie? Yeah. The review said his career is over and like his mom saw it. But I don't, I fucking don't bring anyone's mom.

I don't know that details of it. But I feel like I saw some doc or something that said, I think before your guys show that he'd had like nine pilots. Yeah. Oh yeah. He done like, well, that was the thing he kept doing like these fucking sitcoms. Cause that was his production company.

It was pilot boy. Yeah. Like it, but it was called that from the beginning, which I think he knew that I'm going to be doing a lot of these fucking pilots. Yeah. He did pilots again. How old I am.

He was doing a pie. I remember him doing a pilot and me talking and during the LA riots, what? Really? Yes. I almost got run over by a car during the LA right. I was in New York, but he was here. He did a pilot 25 years ago.

Yeah. He did a pilot in 1992 or three. 1992. Yeah. How old is Chappelle? 45. Oh my God. But he started when he was 14.

Yeah. I was like, I was in high school during them. Right. So it's like 10th grade or something. Yeah. He was, we were 9th, 18th. Jesus Christ. First of all, hold on.

Just out of high school. You can use the owl one. But also, I just wanted to say that one of the most amazing, you know, I really don't get that wowed by like celebrity stories or someone someone's met. I'm like, that's cool. Oh, really? You know, it's like, I'm trying to think like,

but you've hung out with Eddie Murphy. Yeah. And I think that's, that's pretty much the cool. That's, it really is the, like when I met Obama, I wasn't nervous because I'd met Eddie Murphy. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Obama. So me and Chappelle were at Eddie's house, like three years ago or something. And a shitty house. Oh, what a piece of shit. Well, the first time I went to his house was like 12 years ago. And well, we went to the, we went to Bubble Hill. We went to the Jersey one.

I mean, I literally, I could just spend 20 minutes just talking about it. Sometimes me and Rock will just talk about how famous and great Eddie Murphy was. Dude. For like chunks, like where we'll just stop and be like. Anybody in our age range? Yeah. He is like, you can't, you. So we were at Eddie's house and Eddie,

he's just smoked weed all the time. Eddie does? Yeah. What if you, I mean, what do you, he's got so much money. He's so rich. Yeah. And he's so fucking funny and successful. Yeah.

So, and he's also one of the, it's very hard to legit pull off very funny and cool, like mystique cool. It doesn't exist. Fucking leather and like girls actually want to fuck him. Right. Not cause maybe he's fun. It's not funny. It's cause I want to fuck his, his essence.

So I don't even care if he makes a joke. And he started early too, right? We started when it was like 16 or 15 or something. God damn it. He's a bit of a. Greatest. This is how much of a natural he is. Charlie told me one time when they were like five.

They were watching TV and Eddie said, I'm going to be famous. And Charlie said, what's famous? That's how fucking like, yeah, destined it was. Now the other greatest destiny Murphy story is. So a psychic, uh, one of the Murphy family went to a psychic. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. That was the mistake. One of the, um, do I need to wait?

No, no, no, no. Okay. One of the, uh, one of the Murphy family in like the sixties went to a psychic and the psychic said someone in your bloodline is going to be world famous. Wow. So that generation of Murphy's all started taking tap dancing lessons and singing lessons and like, like acting class and all this shit. And then one of their kids was Eddie.

Wow. Yeah. Like, and then he was like, and then it was like, oh, no, no, no, no. Like, so he came out like, like, right. Like he'd said, watching TV is like, I'm going to be on there. I'm going to be famous. Does he, does he still, does he want to do movies still? I don't feel like he'd really did.

He did, uh, he did Dolomite. That's coming out. Oh, that's coming out. And he's going to do coming to America too. That's right. Yeah. 01:36:21,020 --> 01:36:23,580 Again, that's definitely a perfect comedy film.

Every time coming to America is on, I have to watch it no matter what I'm doing. They filmed it in 21 days. Are you fucking kidding me? 01:36:31,420 --> 01:36:34,060 That film is so well written and so funny. Everything is a setup or a punch. It's so good. You know, oh, he, the thing about Eddie is he's like,

he, the story, that's the story goes like, he may have written, I'm going to get you sucker and was like, I don't want to do it. I'll throw it away. And Kenan was like, I'll do this shit. Yeah. Like that. I don't know if that's true enough, but, um, so the story I was going to tell about Eddie was we're at Eddie's house and, uh, by the way, he's such a germaphobe.

Everyone gets their own joint. Oh, so I don't smoke weed, but like Dave had his own joint. Like you just get your own joint. Um, and, uh, Eddie was like, yeah, man, Obama was real cool to me. And, uh, and there's a picture of Obama meeting Eddie and Obama is like, and it's like, yeah, Obama's his age. Yeah. That's so like, oh, like Eddie, Eddie Murphy, you can't even, you can't contextualize

how big and important he was. Yeah. You just can't. No. Like he's a, he's a, he's a, he's a titan. Like, you know what, too? And he was so relaxed. What I loved about Eddie is so, yeah, it's like, and you can see it on 20 years old or

whenever he did 21, he did delirious at 20 years old. Like now that you've done stand up that long, right? Oh my God. He's so relaxed and he's so calm and centered and he's having fun all the time. Like he's, and he owns that and make like, you just, you realize like this, you know, when you're really in your groove in stand up, you like, you own it, you know, you're on stage and you're like, oh man, like this set is tight. Like people realize like, you know this stuff and you're, and to even think that somebody

that could do it at 21 at that level. Oh my God. Yeah. I was the, the night at his house, we were like, me and Dave were just like, fucking bug, we were literally bugging him. Like, come on, Eddie, do stand up. Dave was literally like, mind as well. I'm like, come on, mister.

Like, come on, do stand. And, uh, and I was asking him a question. He's like, you know, how long have you been doing stand up? And I was like, like, this is like, I guess four years ago. I was like, yeah, seven years. And he goes, oh, that's why you asked me all these fucking questions. And he's like, seven years. I had done a delirious.

And I was like, yeah, but that's, come on, man. Like that's not even, that's not even seven years in. That's not even a real, that's can't judge. No. He might have done raw by at seven. I don't even know because he was young. Yeah. I think he did Robin.

He's like 24, 25. Yeah. So that would be seven years. That's cool. That'd be seven years. He is just one of those, um, prodigies. Yeah. And he also, here's the thing.

He, he's so affected, um, other stand ups that you can see somebody. You could see Eddie now and be like, oh, I feel like I've seen a bunch of these jokes. Yeah. You saw hundreds of people do their version. Yeah. All the offspring and that's bull. And also prior, I mean, he's doing prior. Yeah.

Uh, the, the Eddie, Eddie's, he's so fucking good that I was talking when, when, uh, Cosby got sentenced, um, uh, Chapelle and Rock call me back to back, like both of them fucking legitimately sad, like sad, sad. Yeah. Like, yeah. Like I was sad, like I felt bad for them. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah.

And, uh, rock to see a hero. Yeah. Like I, I, I met Bill Cosby again. This is how old I am at Arsenio. And, um, yeah. You look good, man. 01:39:56,620 --> 01:39:57,420 She looks great.

Thank you very much. You're tall. Um, and, uh, at Arsenio and, uh, he was an asshole. And I knew, I could really, Cosby was a fucking asshole. Everybody has assholes. Oh, he was a fucking asshole. I never knew this shit. Nobody fucking told me that he was an asshole.

I knew it. He literally was like, and then the white man, he goes, the Dutch man. And I was like, I'm not Dutch. And he's like, and he like stood by it. I was like, okay. Um, but, uh, he was racist. Yeah. But like, I can, I, so he's talking to, he was talking to me.

And he said the Dutch man. And like in the green room or something in his dressing room. Yeah. And you're in there. Oh, I was in there with Dave Edwards and the, we were friends with this woman, Joy, who booked the show. We knew her through Dave. He's like, Mr. Dutch man and the man came.

Yeah. Um, the history, the, so whatever. So, uh, so, so those guys both call me both sad and, um, yeah. Wait, what do you think of this? Pretty good. I feel bad for the people only listening. Yeah. Um, I thought you're gonna go online.

Check that one out. Enter promo code to see Tom's face. Put him, pops off. Um, so, so those guys are both sad. And, uh, and me and rock were talking about, about how good Casio was. And he's like, he goes, uh, Cosby was so fucking good. He goes, everyone is doing a prior impression. I'm doing it.

Dave's doing it. Eddie did it. Keenan, Damon fucking Kevin Hart. Everyone is doing a prior impression and no one even bothered doing a Cosby impression because they knew how good he was. Right. And then I was like, and also, uh, nobody thought there was any pussy in it. Boy, were we wrong.

Wow. Yeah, yep. How dare you, First of all, this new blog that I'm writing about this. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, throw you and that's how committee, you know what I'm starting to realize, like people can't take the way comedians talk. No, no, they literally cannot like we make that joke and then at someone, a dummy goes, are you advocating to build cause there was, you know, you fucking dumbass, anything surgeons

talk fucking medical the whole time? Do you think they go like, throw me the fucking, whatever they call hearts? Yeah, yeah, of course. No, he, uh, here's the thing too is like comics. First of all, people won't realize that if you're hanging out with comics, we try to push it so like we're trying to make another comic laugh. Yeah. And our threshold tire would be upset like a woman about a misogynistic joke.

If she's a comic, she'll be like, that's pretty funny joke. Well, hello. We're still, but the thing I said on Charlemagne show last week was like, uh, cause I'm a, uh, lieutenant of black culture. You are. I saw that on Instagram. Thank you very much. Do you and see the guy, Lennard?

Lennard, uh, this is Charlemagne. There was a new one. There was a new one. Yeah, but, uh, but yeah, like people think that the thing I was saying, and tell me if you agree with this, you're, we're, I'm a comic before I'm a man or white man. Of course. And that's, yeah, like I'm a, you're a comic before you're a woman. A thousand times because it was a common, the comic brain is above society norms.

It's above gender. It's above race. It's above all this cause it, it hovers up here to unite all that stuff. And that's the thing that people don't understand. It's like, so if Louis says the N word, he doesn't, it's not even fucking. I like that that thing about Louis saying that in that HBO thing, people are like, uh, this thing, uh, was unsurfaced. I'm like, what?

It was on HBO and it was on YouTube for a decade. Yeah. No, but that's regular people talking. And that's the thing they don't understand. It's like, like they, it's not even, and it's just a thing. Like, like Chris is a black. I don't, he's not, Chris and Dave aren't fucking, I don't go, hello black. I go like, it's a comedian.

Yeah. Following me. It's not a fucking black man. Put on Neil, put on your black man hat. Like it's just a fucking funny motherfucker. You know, um, my, uh, my first, or one of the first times I heard somebody talk about Cosby being an asshole, uh, was a driver, a cab, uh, like, or the, the car driver, whatever, the car service guy in Indy years ago, my first time doing crackers.

Yeah. This, uh, driver pick an older black guy. He's like, turns around, he's like, what's up, man? And I was like, Hey, and then we're driving and he's like, what are you doing? And I go, um, I'm doing, uh, I'm doing stand up. He goes, stand up. I go, yeah. And he goes, uh, he goes, man, fuck Steve Harvey.

And I go, what? Off the top. Yeah. Right off the top. And he's like, man, he's an asshole. He goes and fuck Bill Cosby to me. And I go, really? He goes, he's a piece of shit.

He was a fucking asshole when I, he went on this whole story. Idea. And I'm like, and I go, wow. All right. Well, uh, hey man, what's a, what's Indy like? And he goes, oh, you know, murder. He murdered that. And I was like, that's your summary of this city.

And that was like, that was all he gave me. The black guys, black guys talking hooks. Yeah. Yeah. Right. The average black. Did you hear Snoop announcing that hockey? No.

Snoop announced a hockey game for, for 30 seconds last week. And there's four hooks in it. Really? It's fucking amazing. Like I've said this on, uh, that the average black to know the street is funnier than the average white middle. Yeah. True.

Pretty true. Like I put black ladies in that too. Of course. But yeah, I, yeah, I, yes. Yeah. But, uh, but yeah, like, yeah. So the guys thought, I've had cab drivers say shit. Oh yeah.

Like I had a cab driver, a black cab driver in New York one time trying to say that someone passed out and he goes, and they get in the back. They lock up. And the funny I was like, oh God, I think I know what he's saying. I think too. I wrote this thing one time about how who, if you, if you had to hear a summary of what just happened, something notable happened and, and you missed it. Who would you rather hear if you have a choice?

Like an older white guy, an older, uh, or an older black lady or a black guy or something like, you know, like 100% of the time. There should be a news channel with this black. Yeah. Corresponding. I know. That would be such a good man. Crazy.

Yeah. Shit. Open every second man. Shit, that pumpkin head came in. Yeah. I want to hear that. 01:46:16,220 --> 01:46:16,700 All right.

So, um, how much time we got? Yeah. All right. Let me see if I can get this in. Exactly. Yeah. So, uh, so, so Eddie fucking is, is like an amazing dude. And, and, uh,

It's crazy that you've hung out with him. I know. So jelly. I hug him the first time I, the, the second. All right. So the first time we went to his house, I think the first time we showed him, maybe we showed him Rick James. I think that that would be true only because I feel like I've heard a story.

Dave talked about showing it to him. And I know, but I don't know if that was the first time, but whatever. So, um, we, the second, then, then we went again, like during a snowstorm and me, Dave and Charlie went and Dave went to smoke outside. I think Charlie went to use the bathroom. So I'm just in Eddie's kitchen in Jersey by myself eating soup. Like the, the, the chef had like left some soup, you know, rich people are. Yeah.

And, um, and, uh, I'm eating soup and Eddie like comes in, you know, when you like enter a room, like you don't think anyone's going to be in there. Like, yeah. Like, so he comes like, kind of does one of those things. Like with a, wearing a robe and his wife, Nicole at the time is with him. And, uh, and I'm in, I'm just eating soup. And he's like, Oh, what's up? He goes, Oh, Nicole, did you meet Neil?

And I was like, how the fuck do you know mine? Like it's fucking mind blowing that he even knows. And now he'll like make a point of like, Oh, Neil, like it's crazy. Even a here piece of insane. My name in Eddie Murphy. Yeah, of course. Is insane. Just that he gets it right.

That he's not like, you guys know Philip. Yeah. Like, you know, Neil Brenner, like there's, he knows who I am. And like, he knows, uh, I'm a, I introduced it. Tom, tell you where I, uh, introduced him to Chris Rock. Oh, at the store. Right. Yeah.

That was, that was a big deal for me honestly. I'm sure. And I, I've had like, you know, I would say like 99% of comics. I'd be like, what's up, man? Uh, I mean, like, I, not a dick. I'm just saying like, it would be fun. 01:48:22,300 --> 01:48:22,300

01:48:22,300 --> 01:48:22,300 01:48:22,300 --> 01:48:25,020 Um, but I definitely was thrown by that. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, this is Tom. He's very nice. And Chris. He was very nice.

But I still, to me, because that, you know, your age has a lot to do with like, who has an impact on you. How old you were when they were, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So like for me, I'm, uh, a junior in high school and bring the pain comes out. So, you know, it's before Sam, but it's also in the, that, you know, 17 or something. It kind of sets you up for, for life, you know? Yeah.

Like one of those big impact. You can't get out. You will, that will, he will never break that hold over you. Never. Like you just can't. No, I couldn't say, I didn't say anything, uh, intelligent or funny to him. I was like, you do good stuff. Of course.

But it was like, he'd seen your, I mean, that's the thing. That was crazy. Like where, I didn't even know he'd watch. Cause I tell him, watch this shit. You got a couple on there. I was like, I was like, yeah, I got a few. I don't know what to say. And I was like, good.

You have, you have a new one. You're funny too. And then Tom, you know, the, like the cliff on the back of the car. Yes. Tom ran up the cliff. He had to, he was so fucking jacked out. Isn't that crazy though, that those people influence how you do and stand up and how you think in comedy?

Totally. Like it. The fucking funny thing. Especially as a child watching Eddie Murphy as a child. I have a video of me. Fucking nuts. I gotta fucking put it up. I gotta find it, but I've seen it semi recently.

So I know I have it of me doing stand up in at the improv in 0405. I weigh like 60 pounds less than I weigh now. So I look like a skinny guy and I'm literally on stage and I'm going like this. And I'm like gesturing and pacing. And you're just like, oh, this is like a bad Chris Rock impression. You should put that up. That's so fucking it. You ever see Sebastian's first spot at the store?

It's on one of his DVDs. It is? Yeah. I don't know if it's on, I don't know if he put it on YouTube. But the funny thing is not that different than what he's like now. It's kind of the same. Ideas of like what's being bothered with roof car. Well, I don't even know what the bits were about.

But like, dude, mine's not even hidden. Like, yeah, I remember people came up to me. Like a, I remember a woman came up to me after a show and was like, I didn't know you were so urban. I was like, what? She's like, yup. They're like, ah, yeah. I was like doing a Chris Rock impression.

Yeah. It's hard. That's hard. That's hard not to do who are your people that Roseanne. Yes. I mean, the thing is, once you tell me, that'll never leave your head. Once you tell me that, of course, we're all doing kind of doing somebody. It's the blue because you're drawn to a lane, right?

I forget who to talk about lane. Yeah. You're drawn to somebody, right? It's that unconscious thing where you're like, that's the archetype. And I get that person. I get what they're saying. I see how they think. Yeah.

I love Roseanne. I loved Eddie Murphy. I loved Richard Pryor. Yeah. Bill Hicks. Hicks, I can't. I literally can't even watch him because I will just do him for a week. Like I can't watch it because I will start.

Because once you see it, then you can imagine them what it was like from their point of view. And then you when you're on stage and then you have that point of view. Oh, yeah. Then you start thinking like them. And it's like, I think it's good that I never moved to New York because I 100% would have dove even deeper than I did into doing a tell. For example, everyone did. I mean, everyone did a tell.

I mean, like the I just but I mean, I have photos from like 0607 where I'm wearing a black jacket and a black hat with my beard. And I'm smoking and I'm like, what are you talking about? The fucking crazy thing is I was this is I've known a tell since puberty. My voice was changing and I modeled it after my brother in a tell. Yeah. Like my like kind of like, well, it's you know, when you're like, huh, and you're kind of like you can kind of adjust it a little bit.

Sure. I model it after a tell on my brother. Like that's how fucking deep his his claws are. Like I just did it before. He's still so funny. He's fucking so good. Oh my God. Bumping mics.

Yeah. So ridiculous. But I and you know, you know how it is to watch stand up when it's your job. No. And you're like, oh, man, he turns me into a silly person. He turns me into that person that just discovered discovered stand up and loves it. Like when I watch. Yeah, I love this guy.

I made my girlfriend watch it when we were in Hong Kong. I made him. I made her watch this half hour. You met a girl there and made a girl friend. I was like, if you're going to make if we're going to make it in America, you got to know what I'm about. No, she came. But I made her watch a tell special from the half hour from like 99 or whatever.

Yeah. Like it's got the fucking 60 fucking great jokes in a row. Skanks for the memories. Yes, it's the audio. That's the audio. God damn it. Yeah. And I think like people don't even realize like how how influential he was.

Like it's you can't it's crazy. Puppies. Puppies. Pee you upies. Elf calm. That's my favorite one. You don't know it's an eggnog. You're not going to like it.

Elf calm. My father, I hate traveling. Maybe it's because when I was a kid, my father used to be with the globe. Yeah. Yeah. I mean fucking perfect job. Everything. Yeah.

You mentioned this girlfriend. Let's talk about it. What's up with that tit situation? Yeah. She's she's a Russian gal. Why? She's in the fashion industry. Ask me what she does.

She's a model. Yes. And by the way, I have a fart joke. Text me those pics. I don't like fart jokes, but I feel like I want to write it down handed to you. You I saw a clip of you farting on the air. Yeah, I regret it. But why?

No, no, he's being a fart supremacist. I was just saying it wasn't good enough. It was such a meat. It was fine. It was like a good intro fart. It was just like, yeah, if you're gonna christen it, I would have loved to christen it with like a major fart. Like, you know, Jordan Rubin?

Yeah. Yeah. He used, I don't know if he still does it. He used to record all of his farts. All of them. And he would name them before he would and then send them to you. So it would be like hush puppies and then and they would have nothing to do with the fart. All right.

Sometimes it would be like loosely tangentially, but he made a great observation about farts. It's the ultimate improv. That's true. You don't know what's going to come out. You know, something's coming out. He's a funny guy. I was in him in years.

Really funny. Yeah. Is he writing? He's like, I don't know. He's doing kind of weird horror movies, I think. We got off track with this girlfriend. So is she like a 90 day fiance situation? No, she lives in.

She's living like you love you. I've been with pleasing spittle. She learned how to speak English watching South Park. Oh, she's got it. Schumer was like, oh, so she was made in the lab to please you. Model was like cool, interesting, funny. I'm so excited. Better red than me.

Really? Yeah. So how long have you guys been together? Like four months. All right. See, that's the thing with you, Neal, is that you're very interesting. You're highly intelligent. I imagine that it's got to be hard for you to find a woman.

It's more because the bitches are dumb, right, Tom? Women are fucking stupid. It's more that they have to keep up with my guy friends. Do you know what I mean? Like they have to keep up with, and my girl, all of my friends are fucking hilarious and interesting. Smart guys, funny guys. Yeah, and the women are also.

Women are stupid. Yeah, and then the women that I'm friends with are Whitney, Schumer, Michelle Wolfe, like fucking Ellen, like fucking funny, mother, funny, interesting. I'm not like friends, friends with Ellen, but like, yeah, like, like people that I talk to pretty. So that's the bigger issue is like I'm and now I'm, I just, I was, I was compromising a lot.

And now I'm like, I, if you want to come into my life, here's what it is. It's great. It's successful. I, I like what I like. I know why I don't like the things I don't like. This is great. So if you want in, here's how it's gonna be. And if you are not, then I have, I'm not compromising

because I'd rather be alone. The rewards of a partner are not worth the cost a lot of the time. That's very insightful. I think that only comes for most people with time, with age. Sometimes you meet that rare person who has that perspective young, and you're like, what the, how the fuck did you do that? How the fuck are you like this? But the truth is that, you know, if you are in your late thirties,

early forties, you really become, you know who you are. Yeah. I feel like a lot of life is like, am I this? Yeah. Am I that? And then finally you're just like, this, I'm this. Yeah. And then here's the thing, you are being honest about it,

which is the best thing. And I don't cheat. I'm not a piece of shit. Like I'm not, I just don't, like, and I say to my girlfriend, I'm like, so you're not mad at me. And she's like, no, why would I be mad at you? And I'm like, every girlfriend I've ever had is just mad at me all the time. But she's Russian.

So cold. So she grew up from Siberia. Oh, Jesus Christ. And imagine the animals that like, that asked like, are you mad at me? In Siberia. No, I, she's like, I've never had a boyfriend even ask me if I, They feel anything. And she did one thing that was like, fucked up.

And I was like, all right, well, we're going to break up. And she just started crying. It was like, I'm sorry. I will never do that again. Yeah. And it wasn't like even that funny. It was just like, she made a scene about some dumb shit. And then it was like, oh, I need, she had told me she had like really bad.

You know why she did that? I'll tell you. Let's talk about my Instagram ads. I'm going to roll today because women are fucking stupid. There you go. I like that you have that at two lengths. That's the extended version. That's right.

Remix. Because that's my tribe. So I'm Hungarian, but then we're a Russian adjacent. It's a very harsh culture. And we don't do well with vulnerability. My parents used to resent it when waiters would call them folks like, Hey folks, like, what is folks? And they see kindness as weakness.

There's a lot of that. Smiling, they think Americans are donkeys because we're constantly like, how are you? Like they really hate it. But you like this. She like that with you. I'm saying, no, she's not like cold and sweet. She's silly and sweet.

And it's fine. Now you were on Paul Gilmorton's mental illness. Yeah. I know I listened to your episode. This is a while ago. So I'm trying to, you came from a family of like 20 children. 10 children. That's really crazy.

It is really crazy. Yeah. You're number 10. Yeah. God damn. It's crazy. And yeah, 10 kids. It's like growing up in a in a fucking like orphanage.

Yeah. You have to get lost in a house of 10 kids. Have to. Yeah. I was lucky because as the youngest you get like extra, like everyone's. But number six. No, I mean.

Five. Yeah. They're like. Yeah. It's like it's a mixed bag in terms of like who who not who succeeded, but like who was it's more a generational like I'm from a generation of I went to therapy. I take medication.

I'm like, I think mental health is like an actual thing. Whereas the older family is like, no, you know, we don't do that. Yeah. Right. Like we're from like you got it out. Yeah. And you fucking. You should suffer.

Yeah. Always suffering. And that's what life that's a that's Catholicism. Yeah. And B that's like life at large. That's what that's what it is. Like what are you doing? Like what are you what are you a fag?

Like that's the thing of like, what are you fucking taking? Get like, what are you like my I've been on Zoloft or something for like 20 years. Really? And I have a brother that's constantly like, so are you going to keep taking it? That thing that's working. The thing that's working for you that like your life's half over. Like, yeah, I'm going to keep take like, but they still see it as like. I don't know if the word sin is the right word, but it's like in there.

It's in that like. It's kind of like you're tinkering with God's plan. Yes. For you. Wonderful. Suffering plan. He wanted you to be anxious. Yeah.

Yes. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks. Why don't you let God do his thing, bro? Yeah. But that's interesting. Cause I think like you said, a lot of people kind of live with a low grade suffering and that's the new like a low grade depression. Yeah.

And if they're older, they think like it's just that's what it is. Yeah. I love your new joke about your mom. Yeah. Like your drive because I never because it's a it's not really like the rest of your jokes that I've seen. Yeah. Yeah.

And B, I love when people are like, these people are f***ing maniacs. Yeah. Yeah. These parents are f***ing these parents are maniacs a lot of the time. It's true. It's true. You just realize it. I mean, it's not.

And when you have an adult relationship with them. Right. They hate it. And when you, when you have an adult relationship, you realize too. You, you start to, you get that clarity, especially when you have kids, you're like, Oh, two people, just two random people just f***ed and made me. Yeah. And they're not special.

Yeah. They're not anointed. Yeah. It's just like, you see, you know, you saw someone walk by earlier. Yeah. Like that person could have been the person. Yeah. Like, and when you have that realization, you're like, this is pretty wild. Like it's just a random lady.

Yeah. You know, I mean, like, I don't, I mean, I'm cool with my mom, but it's still. No, but it's still, you have tension. Yeah. That's legitimate on both your part. And her circumstances are f***ing wild. Like my mom, you know, immigrated to this country at like 31. I mean, she probably never in a million years thought that she was going to live here.

Yeah. Ever. Like my mom is, my mom's, my dad's one of 13. Oh my f***. There, his parents were Irish immigrants. Like my, his, his dad was like, uh, like elevator. Like, I don't f***ing, just some blue collar. My dad was born in 1930.

Geez. Like in the like, the height of the French in A and it's a, but like. Your dad's still around? No. No. And, uh, so like, yeah, they, it's, they're, we're like living in outer space from, from what their life is. Like, what they're, and so even, so my mom actually kind of said, like,

you got to give it a rest with this accountability s***. She didn't say that exactly, but it was sort of like, I was kind of taking her to task for s***. And she was kind of like, look, dude, I'm f***ing 84. Right. She's not going to evolve. You got to like, you just got to, like, are you going to do this? Yeah. Right, right, right.

You're going to stay on this just to like die? Like what, is that your plan? Like you have to. Which is coming up by the way. I mean, by the way, yeah, like, trust me, uh, she, I have a bunch of f***ing jokes. And she came to my show and it was like, I'm literally f*** the stool. And I'm just like, my mom's like, I don't know what to. Oh my God.

I can't believe you even plugged it. So Neil is, uh, has a new one on Netflix, comedians of the world, which came out, uh, January 1st, I believe it was. And the American comics featured on it are, uh, me, Delia, Swartzson and Nicole Byron. So, and then there's kind of some other countries, but we don't really sell that.

But the Americans. I can't wait to watch it. We haven't watched it yet. I can't wait. I like, I mean, I, I, I, to me, it's, you know, when you have like a good batch. Yeah. So I think it's a good batch. And it was filmed in Montreal.

Yes, Montreal. Thanks for spelling it. Also have other specials. You have your three mics. Yeah. Which was a big hit. Yes. A lot of people really, really like.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. That was fantastic. And there was like, uh, That was when I stopped being Dave's buddy. Right. It was the first time people were like, oh, okay.

You do your own thing. Oh, okay. But you had another one before that. I had one for Comedy Central called. Women in Black Dates. Women in Black Dates. Um, which, uh, made it sound like some weird white supremacy. It was just, that's what the jokes were about.

I remember it's like being in high school and seeing like, um, like watching drama or something from upperclassmen. You announced, I think on social media. Yeah. Your special is coming out. It's called Women in Black Dudes and the Chris Rock. Yeah. Rock said like.

He was like, I thought you had a chance. Like, because he's like, don't title it. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I don't look man. I called it that. But for some reason, I feel like I'm reading a text. I was like, he, oh, it's, he's the meanest.

Funniest motherfucker in the world. Like he said the meanest thing anyone's ever said. And it's so fucking. Again, this is like, you couldn't be a part of it. This would hurt your feelings too much. Normal person. Right. So at the three mics premiere, whatever, like the Broadway theater opening thing

off Broadway. Chappelle in the audience, it was, uh, John Legend and Chrissy Teague. And John was the producer. They, they're just my friends. I love the grace. Seth Meyers, Trevor Noah. You're like, all right, I'm getting a little tight. Chris Rock, Dave.

Oh my God. So like, Queen Chrissy posted that she watched my special the other day. Oh, did she? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. She did.

Did she say anything? She said, oh, she was laughing a lot. Are we going to talk about the Brad Pitt thing? The Brad Pitt thing. Do you know about the Brad Pitt thing? No. Yeah, you do. I heard Adam told you.

Adam told you. Oh. The Brad Pitt likes you. How do you know that? Because I, it wasn't just you, Dick face. It was me. I'm just, I'm just, I don't know. I'm asking.

I don't know. I don't know the story. How did you hear? You know the story. I don't know the rest of the story. I don't, all I know is what you know. Brad Pitt said that his favorite comics right now are me, Tom. Oh, I didn't know you made the list.

Jim Jeffries and Bill Burr. Oh, there you go. I didn't see, that's the thing. So when you say the Brad Pitt thing, I'm like, Brad Pitt thing. And then he didn't tell me anybody else. Oh, yeah. So he just goes Brad Pitt said.

Do you feel like less important now? Because you're one of four. Well, here's the thing. You want to know who the four are. Yeah. I'm staying by all those four. Those four. I'm like, that's good.

That's a good, it's a good lit. Like he's got good taste. If he had, if he had said a few other names, I might be like, well, fuck. Yeah. No, I mean, trust me. That happened. People go, I love Chappelle show.

Yeah. And Battle bots. Right. I like that. All right, man. That's a good list. So at the premiere, me and Dave and Chris get our picture taken in front of the step repeat.

We walk away and the public goes, Neil, the photographers want a picture of you by yourself. And Rock looks at me and goes, for the first time in your life. Oh, my God. Wow. And you're like, it's like, you're so mean. Yeah. But also, yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, it's funny. It's funny. It's funny. It's also funny considering the company, right? I mean, it's great. Yeah, it's great. It's all works, but it's very like you, that would make a, that could make you cry.

Yeah. Yeah. In the wrong hands. Yeah, of course. Like, but yeah, no, I understand. Like my sisters. Yeah, like, yeah, that wouldn't, they wouldn't enjoy that. Yeah.

Especially someone you respect. So wait, we didn't, I didn't even tell you the, we obviously did not go through all this correctly, but just for, you asked me about who is Randy. And I just, I just realized that's good. I'm glad you returned it because I was thinking about it. So who is Randy? Real sports has done a lot of features on CTE

and the, how football really does serious brain damage. Yep. One of the early times they profiled it, they got a group of guys together who were all suffering from it with their spouses. And the interviewer talked to John Mackey, Hall of Fame, tight end for the Baltimore Colts, and his wife. And at the time, Mackey, he's got on his cowboy hat,

sunglasses, and he is pretty, like pretty far along. And he, you know, he can't be alone and stuff. And, and she's talking to the interviewer like, I am to you. He's sitting right next to her, just kind of like looking around, like not really keyed into the conversation. So he's like, what's day like? He's, she's like, well, he's always like, when are we going to go?

Like we're about to go somewhere. She goes, I've had to make up things to placate him. So I just tell him that the, like when he says that, I just go, well, the car's in the shop right now. And I tell him that there's a mechanic, a made up mechanic named Randy who is working on it. And then it just kind of satisfies him for a while. And then the interviewer tries to get in on it.

And he's like, John, is, is your, is Randy working on your car right now? Is that what he's doing? And, and John Mackey goes, who is Randy? That's it. Yeah. Great. That's it.

Totally worth it. And because what happened was again, with that one, Sickler and I used to just like talk to each other on the phone and be like, who is Randy? And just say it back and forth. Yeah. Throw it in there. Yep.

The, I, real sports, one of the greatest shows ever. Yeah. I don't like the handicap stories. I don't, I don't like, I gotta be honest. I like, I love the, I love the, the, the investigative stuff. I love, I love CD because it's investigative. I don't like scandals are good. Scandals are great.

FIFA, drug tests. When they do like, they do Ironman, he carries him during the Ironman. I'm like, I can, I, I like, I'm sorry. ESPN does those pieces too? Yeah, E-60 does the shit. You know, we call that white bummers. Yeah.

White people love being bummed out, which is why they like really serious movies. They always give awards to fucking bummer shit. Like, why do white people love bummer stories? Well, you know, because it's, there's novelty to it because we have such nice lives. Yeah. We need to, it's the same reason we like,

we like, You're peeking into a shitty life. Yeah, it's the same reason. No, for real. You're like, you should take it. It's tourism. So it's like, they, the same reason they like hip hop. It's like, wait, what?

Yeah. He did. Now what? The fellow said what? It's gonna make her pussy trip. He folk guy. Boy, oh boy. It's the same reason we do extreme sports.

Like parkour. I haven't done a joke about parkour. What a nightmare that is. Black kids just trying to walk safely. I can be in a hotel. You're right. From place to place. Right.

White kids are doing flips. I'll build it. Like white, black guys can't run up walls. And the cops be like, fantastic. Cool. Yeah. You're gonna jump off of this parking garage. What?

All right. That's great. Fantastic. I've been in hotels like in the morning when you're going to check out in like 20 minutes and just put on, like turn on the TV, land on ESPN and they'll be like, he just wanted to meet JJ Watt.

You know? Yeah. Oh, what the fuck. And like five minute piece on a kid that wants to meet his hero and I'll fucking ball on the edge of the bed. And then I'll be like, I gotta get the fuck out of here, man. Like I gotta get out of this.

But I can't watch that shit. Yeah. It's just too much. It's also, there's something. Hold on. We need to stop for a minute. 02:12:18,780 --> 02:12:19,660 Blue band.

What's going on? I don't know. Is it that complicated? What? What you just did there? Stupid fucking bitch. God. This shit should be easy.

Dumb. Okay. I fucking hate myself. You know what you're doing? You, to quote Jay-Z, you made it a hot line. You take a hot line, you make it a hot song. There you go, man. Go for it.

You know what I mean? If they, if people come at you say, you know, you made it a hot line, I made it a hot song. There you go. Yeah. Fuck you, you know what I mean? What you gonna do about it, man? What the fuck?

You even talk? What do we even talk? Do you know Jay-Z? I worked with him last year on a, for his rec, for his album, the 444 album with the OJ song and all that stuff. I wore, I made like a documentary about kind of just black dudes. Yeah. And, yeah, I don't, they wanted, I was low on the list, but like, I'm on the list.

So, so he played me the album in his studio. And I don't know if you've ever been. To Jay-Z's studio? Or any hip hop studio? No, I don't think so. No, he's a Jay-Z. Any hip hop studio, it is so fucking loud that it's like, guys. Do you kind of want to go, guys?

Like, you can't, you're drums, guys. Like, I'm not, come on. That's how well they play it? They play, yes. And I've been in, I've been in ones where I had to leave, like where I'm just like, oh, I'm not going to do this. I've covered my, like, I'll just do whatever. And, and I made him turn it down.

You did? Yeah. Can you turn that down a little bit? Yeah. Wow. It's just too loud. Were you, were you afraid? No, because it's just like.

Cracker ass he is. Yeah, like, I couldn't. What do you call you? The Dutchman? The Dutchman's got the hearing. Dutchman came and, yeah. Why Dutchman? And played the record.

And then I like, and then. So he plays it for you in there? Played me the record. And then kind, it was always very vague. And then basically I ended up like interviewing a bunch of black dudes about the themes of the record. So, but it was like, I interviewed him. It's just about maturing and.

Yeah. Maturity and like, and, and cheating and knowledge. So interviewed Jay, interviewed Will Smith, interviewed Rock, interviewed Mahershali. I would call that top notch blacks. The, yes, the tops, the top blacks. And it was, it was great. Like, but it's only on title.

So, yeah, I think there's like a shitty version on YouTube. Did you even consider for a second doing a joke where like, the album ends and you're like, I'll be honest, this is some bullshit. I'm just fucking around. It's great. He did, he played me the, the OJ song. And I was like, I can't wait to see you do that on Carpool Karaoke. Like, cause he just says the N word over and over.

Yeah. But, but yeah, so I know him a little bit, but like, it was. That was like a professional thing. Like, it was a super famous, talented, black, superstar, like type person who you haven't met. That's really the game. I feel like you know him all. R. Kelly.

Did you mean R. Kelly? No. But I, I, you know what's funny about that R. Kelly documentary is that it's hilarious. Most of it. Thanks. Is every, even the women that he like abuse, like he locked her in a safe.

For four days, they all say he sang like an angel. Every single one of them said they sang, every single one of them, everyone said the same thing. Sang like an angel. One couldn't read well. Right. Crazy. Every single part, people that didn't need to say it could read well.

They would keep it in. The doc or not. I haven't watched it. We have it, but I haven't watched it. But I remember reading the Chicago Sin Times piece, like the big writer that did the expose a few years ago. And it always stuck with me. They said that he was known to be,

to go long periods of time unbathed and unkempt. And he would show up with like stained, you know, sweatpants and like just matted hair and stunk. And like that's how he would go out like that all the time. Yeah. That's almost like a handicap in yourself. Like you just get someone. Right.

You're so attracted to women that you're like, you know what? Let me see. I'm not gonna wipe my ass. Let's see what happens. I still, I still get, I get four numbers. Yeah. Yeah.

His building is must. I thought of something watching the R. Kelly documentary, which is, so he's illiterate and he's the victim of sexual molestation at a young age. There you go. So in essence, he is precious. Jesus. Yeah. Yep.

Am I wrong? Is he not precious? I mean, the booth liked it. He's precious. Yeah. I couldn't do that on the breakfast club. No, no, no. But he is.

It's the same. He's a similar story. He's a sick person who just had a talent that he could do it to other people. Like he, but he is made no mistake. And that's what Eric Abadou got in trouble for. Singed for, she has empathy for him and Bill Cosby. It's like, she's right. Right.

You should have empathy for this person. Not for their actions. He's a fucking monster. And he's a sociopath and he hurt hundreds of people. But he, no one invented, someone at some point invented molesting kids. But everyone since then, for the most part, had it done to them and then they did it. And it's like, it's fucking sad and sick. But like you feel bad.

I feel bad for the person. I mean, not like I actually feel bad for our Kelly, but. No. And it's interesting too. But he's precious to me. Because now, it's now that social media exists and we're discovering the truth about celebrities lives, but there's a lot of pieces of shit that have been really talented people. I'm not going to say it's almost all.

Right. Right. But it's fucking pretty close. There's a Michael Jackson documentary coming out that's going to like, that's going to hurt. Hit. Like that's going to be at Sundance. Have you seen it? No, but it's going to be at Sundance and it's going to be like, it'll be.

Isn't that one of them? Damning and like, it'll probably be tantamount to our Kelly's thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how are we not where people are still on the fence about MJ? Like no, they weren't. And then, but time passed and there were no new allegations. And what you hear if. The adamant.

If the choice is taking moral inventory or listen to fucking thriller. Right. I'm going to listen to thriller every time. Right. Off the wall too. Off the wall. Let's be honest. Maybe more, maybe more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, you know, I love disco. But like, yeah. So time passes and people go, that's what you remember. You remember the fucking. Right. Showbiz is full of fucking monsters. Scumbags.

Yeah. Like there aren't very many in comedy anymore. Like people that we all know is like a real fucking piece of garbage. That's like the top people are not. Burrs, not garbage. Dave, Chris, like these guys are not garbage like Jim Jeffries. Tom Seger, Neil Brennan. Yeah.

Brad Pitt. Well, hello. Am I in chocolate over here? So thank you. I mean, according to Brad Pitt. We're doing Brad's list only. Brad's list only. Oh, sorry.

Oh, we looked in the list. Oh, sweetie. Oh, please. Can you stand over here? We should have like a bad party. We should have a party. A Brad party. Just us.

Guys, it's so rude. So. Who else saw it? Jim and who? Bill Burr. Oh, great list. Well, that makes sense. Great list.

So yeah, but showbiz is like. I mean, littered with fucking. Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley. Mary's Priscilla Presley was 15 years old. Jerry Lee Lewis. Fox's cousin, who's 13. Come on, Polanski.

Ron Polanski. Well, that's the thing where people are like, are you worried about the, do you feel bad about the R. Kelly thing? It's like, Rick James was a convicted sex offender. Yeah. So like, I don't know what to tell you. He had been locked up for holding a woman captive

and burning her with a crack pipe. Jesus. It's atrocious. But that sketch is fucking hilarious. Like, have you seen the sketch? Yeah, it's like. It is a hilarious. It forgives what.

About a monster. And we say at the end, Rick, you are forgiven for all of your crimes. Yeah. So, yeah, showbiz month, but I think it's less and less. I think, I think it's less. I think it's less like,

like it used like Jesus, that type of shit, like drugging. Bill Cosby, drugs. Crazy. 60 women. I know. That art, that came forward. 60.

That's insane, man. It's a lot. But those women all got together and conspired. Yeah. And they're all, they're laughing their way out of the way of the bank. They're making millions. They're victimizing their way out of the way of the bank.

Sure. They've fucking, they've opened like tons of businesses and like. Like fucking. It's the long plan. Yeah. Like houses. It's actually a really great entrepreneurial project.

Yeah. I told the story on Rogan, but I had a, this was, I dated a girl in Oh, four, five, six, who like beautiful mixed girl. And, and she, I mentioned Bill Cosby at one point. She's like, oh, Mr. Cosby. What a good guy.

And I was like, you know, when a girl says something where, you know, she talked to me like, what's that now? 02:21:52,860 --> 02:21:53,420 Yeah. And, and I was like, what? And she's like, oh, yeah. No, I know, I know Mr. Cosby.

And I was like, what are you, what are you talking about? And she's like, oh, like one day I was on the street crying and he came up next to me and he like said, what's the matter? And he befriended me and he took me to, we went to a play one time. And, and then, and I'm like, you know, I was trying to fuck. Yeah. And this is in like, oh, four or five.

And she's like, no, please. Like, and then one time he, I was supposed to come to Philadelphia and I got sick. But the weird thing, he did tell me how to like style my hair and what dress to wear. And I was like, he was trying to fuck. And she was like, no. And then all this shit comes out.

And I text her, I go, what do you think of your boy? And she's like, I think he, his wife was in on it. And just all this, then it was like all this shit of like, oh, so all it took was a bit of like, I don't even like, she snapped to him. It was like, oh yeah, he was, yeah. Why would any guy, guys are not nice to women for no reason. Absolutely.

Here's the deal though. Under any circumstance. Is that a lot of women don't, myself included, you don't learn that until you're older. Like you genuinely think, here's why. And here's why I had the audacity to think I was a human. And that. Yeah, you're not.

And you're, and that. You're a man, you are not. Right. But that's the thing is I, I go into the world assuming that I have the same rights and privileges as a human fucking being. And then you just don't think. You're like, oh, that guy just wants to fuck.

What? I'm just a piece of meat. I'm an object. And then you learn you're just an object later to certain people, not all men. Yeah. But yeah, you think you're the cool guy. The fucking ones who like to fuck.

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. The ones who get down. But that fucking sucks. Because then you grow up and then you learn that about dudes. And now you have to be like, until you get married. And that's the cool part is that it becomes like a burka, sexually.

And now I become a person again. Once you're married, especially to another comic and like a guy that can kill another man. Right. The other dudes know it. And now I get to see who's cool and who's not. Yeah. But I feel like you'd be cool if I fucked your wife, right?

I mean, I'd be pretty cool. No, we're into that. Yeah. I'm on the list. Yeah, man. I'm on the pit flip. Oh, that's right. You're on the pit flip.

You want to know Eddie Murphy. You know what I mean? That's true. That is true. But yeah, that's, yeah, it's a fucking, Chappelle used to do a joke. He did this joke when he was like 22 or something. Yeah.

Maybe women can't sense danger until they're like 30. That's pretty true. And then they're like, maybe I shouldn't get into the van with all of them. Jesus, that's a fucking crazy good observation, Endra. But yeah, like this thing of like, guys are not nice for no, guys are just not like that. Yeah.

Like there's, if a guy is being nice to you, he wants to have sex with you. I know. It's true. And actually the funny thing is the flip side is that Allie Wong always says like, Neil, you have like all these like antique views of women. Like, I'm like, men and women kind of aren't friends.

And she's like, I'm friends with so many guys. I'm like, I don't know, Allie. Like I'm sure she is, but I don't think I'm, I have like antiquarian views. Well, I think you're, I think you're mostly right. What happens though, as a guy is like, once you yourself get married and have children, then you're just like, oh, women are people too.

Really? Is that when it happens? I think so. I thought 50 is the age where the testosterone kind of dwindles and now you become a person. No, it started to go down. Yeah. And then, yeah, then I, you know. Yeah, your testosterone gets to like manageable levels.

Like at 40? You're still a monster. You're still a monster. But you're just like, oh man, I have a monster sometimes. Do you think it's testosterone that makes you monsters? Yes. Yeah. You know that when men have children,

their testosterone goes down. When they're just, when they spend time around children, because the body is like, hey, you're going to do something crazy around these kids. You can feel it. You can feel it. I believe it. And you become genuinely friendly to women.

You become women, essentially. You become a woman. You become more like a woman than a woman becomes like a man. Yeah. That's true. Yes. And then what happens to us is we rise up to the system and the matrix and we're like, wait a minute.

And then we, You want me to wear Spanx and heels? For what? If we're just around those kids, we stay that way. But if we get away from the kids, then we're like, what am I becoming? And then you see a girl walking down the street. You put her in your car.

You can shut the fuck up. And you just do something crazy. You like to stay. You like to remain sexy in case your team dies, right? Absolutely. We talk about this constantly. You've got to keep it out a little bit. I just had a physical, I'm scoring numbers, man.

He's like, you're putting up numbers? He's like, you're looking great. You're doing great. You dropped 63 on these models? I'm dropping bombs on those fools, man. We talk about what the second wife will be like. The Dalmatian wife. The Dalmatian, the yoga instructor.

She's a 20, three tops. She's like, you're funny. I don't want to bother you, you know? A couple doesn't ask too many questions. Doesn't want to see bank account stuff. By the way, that's the dream. That's the dream wife. Yeah.

I mean, honestly, like, when women are like, why don't, not just for me. No, it's pretty, like, why when people go, don't you want someone who challenges you? No, no. Don't you want to go on the treadmill at fucking eight uphill? No. Why the fuck would I want that in my life?

No, it's true. I want a fucking rubber stamp that you said it, mister. The narrative of like, I want to be challenged and it's good. You say it because it's your reality. Oh, yeah, you're like, I like this. I say like, I can't get out of this. I like articulate women because I have one. It's too late now.

You already bought the goods. Exactly. I can't be like, it fucking sucks. I love jail. Yeah. Jail is the shit. That's just so true. And then, oh yeah, and especially now,

because you have to give me half your stuff if we split now. What? What? You didn't hear? What? You didn't hear about the prenup? Oh, you didn't hear about that? You didn't hear about that?

I don't even look at shit. With his last night talks. What about your Russian? Is she a Dalmatian? You got some money too. You're doing all right. Yeah. Let's talk about it.

So is your Russian a Dalmatian? No, you said she's smart. She's age appropriate, yeah. She's age appropriate. Yeah. Because I've stayed in a row before that. I was like, not age appropriate at all. Yeah.

But, you know, what do I also got at that one? I got to think. So I have to play defense against her desires. Like, no, this is bad. Like, no, I'm not a cop. I'm not a fucking, I'm not a career. Like, I'm not, if a girl likes me, I'm not going to be like, no, you shouldn't.

See, you guys talk the big talk, but at the end of the day, you like having your belly scratched and having love. Yeah, but 20 or 30 year olds can do that. They can, but you could not tolerate a millennial girl. That's true. Oh my God. That's true.

That's true. I can tolerate that personality. No. Oh my God. No way. Oh my God, Tom. Oh, I was at Plymouth Dales. I'm like, I'd be like, all right.

Yeah, that's true. I would be fucking annoyed. Well, that's the thing that like, when I was single, like I couldn't even, I'd be like, oh, I can't talk. I would FaceTime women. If I'd met them on an app, I would literally before we met or date, like one on a date, I'm like, I'm going to FaceTime this person because you can't,

it's not the same as being in person, but like it's close. Yeah. And you can get a sense of like, oh, I don't want to spend another fucking second. Yeah. Smart. Having to listen to you. I remember that taking out, I took out this one box of hair

one time where it was like, Is that the most offensive thing you could call her? No, I could probably go. I think box of hair is up there. It's up there. I mean, there's not a box of hair is so, first of all, it's nonsense, which that's part, that's why I was in there right there.

Yeah. But box, I mean, it's just, it's so disrespectful. Is it that? Yeah. It's wonderful. Yeah. I mean, she was, and like, there was the kind of person where she was really pretty and I go, like,

what do you want to do now? You know, or like, what do you want to eat or something? And she was like, I don't know. What do you want to eat? I was like, okay, let's eat this. And then it was like, and like, so we're, you know, like during like the general conversation, I was like, do you like music too?

I guess. I was like. Yeah. And where it's like, they act, they feel like they're being, like it's like a fucking first 48. I should know. I'm asking you if you like music, you fucking box of hair. You dumb box of hair.

No opinions. You dumb fucking box of hair. Yeah, but she must have been hot because that's all you guys care about. That's why I asked her out. Is she hot? Yeah. No, this is about getting a phone number.

You get a phone number. You're like, it's always based on the floor model. All right. I want the number. Right. Then you, you call the number and you set it up and you're like, all right. And then the exchange is like, oh.

Yeah, like I, there no sex is worth this. Oh yeah. Like it's not worth, like you can't, after a certain age, you're like, I can't, the rest of your body, the parts of your body that's not dick are like, we're not putting up with this. Well, this is how bad this was. That's interesting.

This, I was all dick when this happened. This is like, I'm like 22. Yeah. And I still was like, no, no way. Too much work. Yeah. Yeah, but you were. And I'm too lazy.

You were always a lazy hunter though. I am a lazy hunter. I'm 23, 26. I had to kind of initiate our courtship a little bit. Yeah, I wasn't. I was never like, I just, I'm, you know, one of my roommates was one of those like, you know, all systems go guys.

It was just like. We should hang out. We should do that. Oh man. Yeah. And like, we would be at a bar and he would, like whoever's next to him, he was like, how are you doing tonight?

You're beautiful. I feel, I feel happy now that I'm just talking. I'm like, what are you talking about? And like, if that went away, he would look across the room. Boom. And then you'd see him with a different girl and then we'd leave the club and he'd be with another. He was just going to take what, anything.

Yeah. Because he had to. Yep. I was like, look, if, if it's not like in my eye line and kind of generates itself. Now, I mean, now you haven't been single in the age of me too. Now it's like, I'm literally sitting women like,

Ari, do you want to fuck me? Oh, right. Because I'm not playing this like mystery game. Yeah. Like you put it out there that clearly. Pretty. I don't say, I don't think I say fuck, but like, I'm like. Yeah.

You know. Do you want to lay my sheets naked? Probably. Now, is this on an app? Do you do app dating? I mean, this is before the Russian. Yeah. Did you do like the celebrity?

Yeah. I did the Raya. Okay. And I did the, the Tinder. And what's your lead photo? But the big one, I mean, I would get a lot of income. I don't do any outcome, but a lot of incoming on Instagram. Interesting.

You get, you get hit up a lot. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of girl? Well, what's your. You know, it's funny when I do the breakfast club, uh, 40 black women in my, in my DMs. Really?

Yeah. Every time. You're like a white guy. But you're an exotic flavor on that. Yeah. Tell me about it. They're doing this. Hey.

The black bummer. Okay. Yeah. 02:33:06,940 --> 02:33:07,740 It's the opposite. I want to have a black bummer experience. Yeah. So, so yeah, we just girls like straight up hitting him.

Which is great. Great for you. Well, I'm sure you do too, but you just ignore it. He doesn't tell me. He pretends like he doesn't. Yeah. I really listen. I've told you, I do get hit on like once every few years by,

by somebody that's respectable. And then. Oh, the rest of it's like. Oh, I get a lot of fucking, I get some. You get pigs, the ones, the girls with the rub, rub, rub shirts. I get, I get some animals. And then I definitely get a lot of compliments. I wouldn't say like asking me out compliments from gay dudes.

Yes. Oh, that's it. I get very little gay foot traffic on Instagram. Oh, I get, I get something. And it's always a misdirect. It'll be like, sorry, special man. I laugh my ass off. Doesn't hurt that you're easy on the eye.

What? So, you know, stuff like that. Yeah. Well, that's funny. And you're cute. Yeah. That's how girls will just, it's like Burr's joke about like having Nia hit on him. Remember that?

He did a joke about like Nia was making fun of a guy having no game. And Burr was like, all right, hit on me. No, go. Fucking hit on me. And she went like, hi. And he's like, is that your fucking, like, and it's fucking hilarious. But yeah, girls are bad at it on Instagram. But some will just be like, you're really super fine and I want to.

But see, I'll get a lunatic is what I'm saying. Because most of them, if they're a fan of mine or something, they'll know my situation. They just don't do it. Yeah. I'll get that one just lunatic who's like, I wouldn't mind if you sat on my face and you're like, Jesus Christ. Or like, you know, yeah, I bet you know, I'll lick your scrum.

I know she won't lick your scrum. I'll lick your balls and you scrum and all this stuff. Yeah. I mean, they're cool chicks. I mean, look, these are cool. These are good girls. They're good girls. They're good girls.

Stop slut shaming them. Also, you should DM them. Why don't you DM them once in a while? Keep it fucking interesting. Yeah. Oh, why don't you slide up? Why don't you slide? Is that what this is called?

Yeah, slide in the DM. Stop texting me. Stop texting. Get off this app. Get on another app. Yeah. We got to tell you, we got to actually, we got to have a break. But real quick, this is going to be you here.

Oh, that's right, Mommy. No, Brandon, do you have any dates coming up? Anything, any shows you want to? No, I really don't. Like, I don't. Yeah, but you just did this huge tour. I just did that thing and then now I'm just at the store in the West Side. And he has a special, another special, I should say, out on Netflix now.

It's comedians of the world. You can also watch three mics on Netflix. Of course, if you've never seen Chappelle's show, get all those DVDs or just rip it. Still available, guys. He still has a piece. I still get a little taste a little. Oh, OK. A little fun.

A little wet my beak. A little bit. A little bit. There you go. Still there. OK. It's got to be good. OK.

Fuck! You guys are doing good. You are too blessed to be stressed. All right, Gene, take us away. Excellent. Look, we have to break, but I feel like we could podcast with you for hours and hours and hours. Can we do another one when you come back and we can break down?

02:36:26,780 --> 02:36:27,500 Are we done? Yeah. Yeah, we're pretty much done. Yeah. 02:36:29,180 --> 02:36:29,820 Of course. Of course. But it's really fun to talk to you, man.

Yes. Thank you for coming. You're so funny. It's fun. I love hanging with other guys in the pit click, I call it. God damn you guys. The Brad Pitt click. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a Brad Pitt line. So rude. Finds funny. I wish I was on Brad Pitt's. Oh, no. But you know who likes me? George Takei. So there.

Oh, there you go. Oh, that's good. That's pretty good. George Takei. All right. You're a good girl. Thanks, Neil Brennan. Oh, yeah.

Thank you. Have fun. So fun. We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break. And we are back. And guess what? Just a couple of days ago, season three. Gone smashing.

Gone smashing. Wow. Premiered on Achebeo Latino and and it will keep airing Sundays at 10 p.m. Even though the star of the show has season two's information on their Twitter page. Wow. But that is something I've verified. No, the info is correct. It is.

The graphic is still season two. Oh, the graphic. You're always just talking shit. I resent. There's no way to say this. Does HBO not send graphics anymore? I think it's supposed to be my publicist. Here's how you could sound like a jerk right away.

Yes. My publicist. Then you're done. You're done. You're done. All of my friends are going, he's changed. Yeah. And they never thought that until I started saying things like,

how do you like having a publicist? No, no, I hate all of it. Yeah. Don't you? How the fuck did all of this? Well, we're stand up. Something so pure. And I'm not shitting on them specifically.

I'm just saying the system. It's rigged. I'm a big believer in just like, I love my manager. And if he was here, I would say this. It's it's sort of an outdated thing. Right. We all know each other. Who booked me on the show?

Right. Me. Yeah. I emailed Nadav. I actually texted you and you gave me Nadav's info. Yeah. And I'm not saying it's just like it's not because I'm special. We're in a different world.

Right. You can Twitter, DM people. Was that a sound effect? That was not a sound effect. That was a real fart. That was not a real fart. Christina just farted into the fart mic. It's the fart mic.

Oh, my God. And you were saying something meaningful in a substance. And that is. It sounds. Which camera do I Krasinski to? That was the best moment of my life. I'd like to thank everybody who made that fart possible. Tears and rice.

Hilarious. But that is how I feel about all of it. I'd like to thank Zanku Chicken for providing the gas for that fart. It was pretty loud. I can tell you're jealous and you're upset. Yeah. Yeah. You had almost like my mom's.

My mom, very liberal farter. Really? Really? Oh, yeah. And your dad. I could pick out one of my dad's farts in a lineup. Really? By sound or smell in the dark.

Really? Like there's an acidity. There's a salt and vinegar quality. There's something. To the dad. And as I get older, every 15th fart that I fart will be one of my dads. And I'm like, oh, no.

That's kind of special though, right? Special, I guess. But you don't want to become your Purdue. No. You want one of your farts to remind you of the trap, the meat puppet that you inherited from those two lunatics? I'm going to tell you exactly what kind of fart it is. That's my dad.

That is my dad. It's your dad. That's really my dad. Oh my god. Yeah. That is amazing. Wait, are you from Canada? He's from Massachusetts.

Massachusetts. Can you at least have morning radio etiquette and throw up my Wikipedia page? What do I think Canada? And then ask me, what do you want us to ask you? What do you want us to ask you? What do you want to talk about? What do you want us to ask you?

Yeah, what are you, what are you leading? That's amazing. I actually, have you ever done a radio interview and you know what's coming next because they're going in the order? Oh yeah. Again, these are fancy people problems, I suppose. But I'm like, you're going to ask about,

like my Wikipedia page has Batman. I did the Batman videos. I don't know if you know that. You don't know where the fuck I'm from. So I'm guessing you don't know. Does your Wikipedia page list that you were the E-Trade baby? And then it says that nobody knows that. So that's when it gives away.

If they go Batman, E-Trade baby. I'm like, you're reading off, which is fine. Which is fine. That's what I do when I have guests that I don't care about. You know what it shows you? That they did the minimum. That's what I mean. And it's.

And actually I take it back. It doesn't mean you don't care. It just means like sometimes it's fun to just talk to somebody without knowing where you're from. Yeah, I like to discover. I'm from Boston. No, okay. I look Canadian though, don't I?

You act Canadian. You're very friendly. You're very mean. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm from Canada. I'm a proud Windsor native as Tom likes to call it. I just thought you're one of my tribe. You're very friendly. Now it's very different.

I thought you were trying to exclude me and go, what are you, Canada? No, no, I'm Canadian. Are you us? Yeah. I'm touched. I thought you're one of my tribe because you're very friendly. Well, yeah.

I fart like you. The fart mics here when you're ready, Pete. Oh my God. When I went to college, somebody was like, I know some older guy was like, you kids are out in your dorm lighting farts on fire and talking shit. And we didn't know like,

I don't know if you remember the feeling of being a freshman in college. I went to a weird Christian college so we weren't drinking or anything. Yeah, I know. It's weird. But we didn't know what we were supposed to be doing. So we took some off-handed comment

that some guy like a fucking Dunkin' Donuts said, we were like, I guess that's what we do. We lit farts on fire for the whole year. It's so fun. Have you done, I mean, you did it yourself. And there's like a campfire marshmallow. We kind of, there's like a, it doesn't smell terrible. Is what I'm saying.

You know what I know something? I've never done it. You've never lit a fart? No. It's scary. It's fine. I felt like I was a little intimidated by it. And one of my good buddies in college would do it.

And so I would just watch him and be like, yeah, that's fun to watch. It's a little bit more of a thrill. You're doing it yourself. But it's very tricky. Because if you do it in denim, you run the risk of kind of lighting your pants on fire. Yeah, we definitely lit our pants on fire. Yeah.

I would see it, you know, kind of, it would raise up towards the balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It glistens the balls. It glists the balls. It kisses them. Yeah. It kisses them.

But the real risk you run is shitting because you get everybody around. And you're like, I got a great one. I got a great one. And you get spread eagle. And you lie. It's very homoerotic. Yeah.

And then you lie. Everyone's like, yeah, let your butt hold light. Because I went to a Christian school, everything we did that was rough housing was very homoerotic. And heartbreakingly, a lot of those kids probably were gay. And that was like, oh, they got it out. It's just like the gays. Yeah.

It's just like the gays. Were there girls at your school or was a single sex? There were, but you couldn't go to their side of the door. What? Yeah. Except for, I think it was a three hour window most nights from like six to nine. So you had a wint.

You were on the same floor, but they were separated. What school was this? You haven't heard of it. It's called Gordon College, which sounds like my parents hired a wise old man in Gordon to teach me for a summer. And how did you end up at Gordon? I was just scared. It was like a play of being scared.

It was a church kid. And then I was like, really, almost to this day, still frightened of large universities. Like guys playing oaky cookie in lacrosse sticks and like blacked out drunk. That's what I think schools are. They're not. So but like in high school, you're like, I,

you already know, like, I don't want to be near that. It was either don't go to college and just like go right into like youth ministry or go to a college where you could. My mom actually was like, you're going to miss out on like a social thing more than the academics. You're going to enjoy it. And I did. And that's where I like discovered with more depth that I wanted to do comedy and stuff

because it was so safe. Nobody was allowed to make fun of you. Oh, right. You know what I mean? So that was the right environment. It was wonderful. It wasn't just a big fish and a small pond. It was like all nice fish.

You know what I mean? Do you fucking kind of, I mean, I sincerely mean this. Do you, are you? I know you threw the fuck in there for no reason. Do you fuck it when you're picking up on my boss? Do you really? Do you ever stop and go, holy shit? I have an HBO show.

Isn't that amazing? It is amazing. Sometimes when I smoke pot, it helps me get into that place. Really? Because unfortunately it's not fortunate or unfortunate. It just is what it is. Sometimes you're just so busy in the thing. Yeah.

That it's hard to get that outside of yourself perspective. Yeah. And I think that's one of the gifts, one of our greatest plant allies that we can give us. You smoke it and you don't feel like Pete anymore. It takes it off the shelf. Exactly. And it goes like this.

Or it puts it on the shelf. Right. You take all of yourself and you go like, oh fuck. And you get in touch. You know, some people practice, gratitude practice is very healthy for you. I like to talk to like 10 year old me and tell him like we did it.

We became like, forget the show. You can just be like, we're comedians. Yeah, yeah. We did it. Yeah. Like we can go to the comedy store tonight and they'll be like, do you want to go on? Like that's a big deal.

It's true. And then the show obviously has a lot of like warmth and love for stand up. And that is also part of my dream as well. But it's hard to get in touch with it. Then you smoke a little weed or something. And it kind of puts you. And you, it's funny.

It's always funny. Is it like, it's never like, I did it. Right. Yeah, I sucked my dick. But it's like talking to people in high school that called you the F word or whatever. You're just like, it's more like hilarious. Right.

You realize these things happen to, they have to happen to people. They're people. Yeah. Like everybody that these things happen to are some guy. Right, that's true. And you're like, you keep waiting for someone to realize you're just some guy.

We're all just some guy or some girl. Yeah. You know what I mean? How do you have this wisdom about you? Yeah. I wish you wouldn't assume my pronoun. I wish you would have spoken to a younger version of me. I know.

I wish I had known that. He's always been like this though. Smart. Yeah. He has thoughtful. He is insightful. He is insightful. That fucking guy, Pete.

He's got this wisdom that's like beyond his years. That's very sweet. How are you so as you're married? You have a kid. You have a grounded life. I love it. Did you guys struggle when you had the baby to care about anything at all?

The baby? Oh. Oh. To care about anything? Yeah, you get sucked in. It's very like, you know, first of all, I realized that nobody gives a fuck about your baby. Rob Riggle when I had my baby, maybe it was you too,

pulled me aside and it was just like, just so you know, no one gives a fuck about your baby. So we'll keep this brief, especially in LA. Right. This is the town of special babies. We're all special babies driving our fucking Tesla Corvette convertibles going, I'm the king. I'm the king.

Like you ever go to the fucking like a Golden Globe party or something? We weren't nominated, but I went to the HBO Golden Globe party. It's just a room full of special people, wondering if we're all special, who will look at us and make us feel special? It's like a nightmare. That is a, that's for me, the probably the most anxiety

filled idea you can describe. What do you do? An awards thing? Going to like a show biz. Show biz. Party party and feeling complete. Like I would, I already know how I feel even going into like an agency meeting.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's not, it's not good for me. It's not good for anybody. Yeah. It doesn't matter who you are. I'm sure John Hamm comes home from that party and it's like, why am I depressed?

Yeah. I know why Hamm. I know why. Right. It's because like it's a room full of look at me's. I think there's look at me's and there's I see you's. My wife Valerie is. Now I see you as a very powerful position.

It doesn't just mean you're the audience. It means you have the quality of empathy that you can understand and appreciate someone else. Really the look at me's are the lunatics. Right. But that's a room full of look at me's. And you go home with that sort of weird hollow feeling. That's true.

So then it got worse when I had the baby or better. If it's a good thing, it got better. Yeah. And you start going like, I don't, I don't really. While you can remain grateful that you're even kind of in this, this industry and it is very fun. You look at your baby and you're just like, what? Yeah.

She's, she's there. She's rocking. She doesn't know who she is. She doesn't have any goals. She's just like a lump of beingness. Having. And she's blissing out and you just want to hang out with her. That's right.

That's right. So what are you doing? Like, why am I like, I got to go to this party. Maybe, maybe a fucking Joey Tata who played Nat on 90210. We'll be there. Joey Tata. And he'll come. Joey will come.

Not Joey. Joey. Joey. I know, I know. Will come up to me. Like I just did Ellen the other day. I went into Samuel L. Jackson's dressing room. Why be cut?

Not because, because I'm thinking he might go, Hey man, I love your show. Yeah. Like that's what you're doing. Right. I also want to just to say he's a legend and he's the greatest. But like it's a bit of a sentence. I would try to meet Samuel L. Jackson too.

He was right there. Did you meet him? I didn't go out of my way. Yeah, I went in there. How well do you know what I did? He was very sweet. It was him and two other people. It probably a stylist and maybe a publicist.

Oh, you've changed Sammy. So I went in and my wife was there and my makeup person wanted to meet him as well. So we're all in there. And I just go, I'm so sorry to bother you. Just want to say I'm a huge fan. You're a legend. Would you mind doing a photo with us?

And he was like, sure. Do you stay? Do you still have to point out that you're also on the show? Or no? I didn't. I don't fuck with Samuel. Samuel L. Well, I would say what I do is I, hey, you're a huge legend

and everything. Just, you know, I'm also on the show. I have a funny story about that. No, I know what I what you do is you ask the producer, does he does he mind if I come by? Oh, you did. And they say one of the other guests on the show wants to say hello.

Typically, you hope you hope they do. But really, he doesn't care. You know what I mean? That's like my baby in LA. He doesn't care. He just wants to get it done, although he didn't have that feeling. But then I made the mistake.

I took my phone out and I handed it sort of presumptuously to, I think, his stylist. And she looked at me like I was handing her a toe. She was not the one. Yeah. She was not the one. And I like that's a look that's a look that this era only knows that you're alive in these 10 years.

That's right. Like that's right. Don't give me that fucking phone. It's a new phenomenon. I had it open. It was ready to go. In the time it took her to go. Uh-uh.

She could have done it. But she, and it was like, she looked like Dr. Ruth. It was like an old white woman that was just like, hmm. And did she do it or she wouldn't do it? Like the temperature, like in the sixth sense, when you feel a ghost, I put my hand into cold air and it was just like, oh. Not for you.

And gave it to somebody else. But the other, the story I had about being on the same show was the first night I did was Jimmy Fallon way back before he had the Tonight Show, like the first one he did, which I remember my manager being like, you do it when it's a new show. They'll remember you when they're a big show. Now they're fucking wrong.

Or not. What are you crazy? That's not how it works. Right. Pete Holmes wants to be on the show. Check the archives. Did he help us? Yeah.

No, who cares? I'm not saying he should care. I'm saying that's a preposterous logic. It is, of course. So I did it and I was so thrilled in my first late night and Green Day, which was one of my favorites, still is one of my favorite bands,

but definitely back then was one of my favorite bands, was the group. And I did my stand up and then they played and I was like, I wonder, I wonder if Green Day. Like I wanted to Sam Jackson them. Right. I wanted to see if they would say anything about my stand up.

And I also just wanted to say I was a fan. That's true. But in that order. And I went back and I talked to Billy Joe and I just two fucking sentences, talked to the bass player, and then I'm like, I guess they didn't see it. And then Trey Cool, the drummer comes out

and he's the only one that like said anything and he goes, hey, stick with it. Stick with it. Stick with it. I'd rather you have said nothing. See, we were just on the same show. Stick with it. It's like, keep at it.

Keep at it, buddy. Fucking Colbert's. Heartbreaker. Music guy. John. What's his name? Stamos. No.

His band leader. Colbert's band leader. Yeah. Told me. Small piano. This year. No, last year. He's like, hey, man, keep doing it.

I was like, oh my life. You got a band on it. What are you talking about? A band on doing it. He's like, yeah, don't stop, man. You got some. I was like, what? That's like when Brian Regan would,

he's sort of famously, occasionally, we all bomb a corporate show from time to time. It's just what you do. Like you get a corporate offer and you're just like, am I willing to feel like John Hamm at the end of the Golden Globe party for this much money? And then you're like, okay.

I'm going to stop saying Ham. I'm having a flare up. Ham, you're the king. Ham's the man. Ham's the man. I love him. Anyway, Brian Regan did a shitty set at a corporate show because it was just terrible.

And somebody afterwards came up and was like, so what do you do for a living? They asked him what he does. God. And in that moment, if you're Brian Regan, I bet you're making at least $250,000. You want to be like, I just made $250,000. It'd be amazing if somebody sucked it in.

What do you want to? Yeah. I think that Regan would never do, but it would be amazing is if that person asked him that and right then he pulled out the check for that gig. It was like, if there's ever a moment that's appropriate, because we know, oh, God, Jesus, Zanku chicken. You know what?

I like to thank the sponsor today, Zanku Chicken. It's not the farting that bothers me. It's that we're doing bits. We're telling stories. The only time I hear Nadav fucking laugh is when you rip one. And this is the world we live in. You Jew motherfucker, you're just so blindsided. It's hilarious.

I know what the audience likes. Hilarious. This is what they need. Are you going to sell that microphone on eBay? We can. Eventually. But it's going to be a six-figure starting bid for sure. In Japan, you'd be able to buy a fart microphone

in a vending machine. Yeah. You're right. Ramen, used panties, fart microphone. I love that. Who farted in that? Who farted? So wait, you were saying before, though,

you said that you would almost tell your manager now, like, dude, what? Oh, yeah. Before the first fart? Before the first fart. Sorry, guys. Listen, why are you, you're blaming me as though I have any control over when the fart comes.

You insisted on the fart, Mike. I did, but for good reason. People enjoy it. Nadav loves it. Nadav clearly loves it. I'm sorry, Pete. I can't control when the inspiration strikes. I apologize.

You watched the Dr. Drew interview, and I seem to recall no farts. He would have been able to tell you what's wrong with you. Yes, that's true. Well, I know what's wrong. We had hummus for lunch. This is so gross. And pickled beads, yeah.

So gross. I'm not a, like, no judgment, but like. No judgment, but you're gross. But that's gross. Whenever somebody says no judgment before, they're. It's heavy judgment. It's heavy. Yeah, it's heavy.

It's just like no offense. No offense. Yeah, yeah. Judgment come in your mind. Can I be honest with you? That's OK. I'm not the type of person that usually says this. Do you not fart in front of your spouse?

No, no. In fact, of course I do. Oh, OK. What are you, crazy? OK, so can I have children? Canadian. Yeah, you've seen enough brown and green and. Fucking Nadav, man.

Get him out of here. He's dragging your show down. You can't have comedians on with that audience. For farts. Only farts. Get a clown, a street performer clown from Montreal in the booth. Yes. And then they fart.

Oh, like what? We need someone with better humor. A better sense of humor than him. Then blue band. No. Get some. He knows what's good. Does he?

I don't remember what I was saying about managers. You just said that. Oh, I was saying. You're like, at this point, it feels antiquated. You're like, I mean. The idea of needing a guy who can plug you into things. It's actually a beautiful thing. We can frame it negatively and say managers are irrelevant.

I actually really love my manager. I like working with my manager. Long time you've been together? Yeah, over a decade. So I'm going to stay with my manager. I really love my manager. That being said, so taking my manager out of it, it's not you can.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You can chance the rapper this shit. Like you're at the store. You're at the store. Delia is at the store. You know what I mean? If you're getting even those early guys that get like the open

spots, like newer guys still have access to the same people. That's true. Be funny. Don't be a dick. Talk to people that you could get on some shows without someone being like, look, I know like who the fuck who cares. That's a different world. Yeah.

What happens is that's what they sell, right? They sell the access. I mean, essentially. And then the access sort of comes in in parts like connected to being really funny. That's why Ray Romano wrote this intro to a book that I love the intro. The book was called How to Be a Working Comic. Did you guys read that?

No, I probably did. I read all that stuff. He wrote a book called How to Be a Working Comic. No, he wrote the intro. He wrote the intro. Old gas he was listening. I was paying attention. Anyway, I'm actually going to be all right.

Jesus. I know. So wait. So what was it? What are you saying? This is the cough mic. I know. I brought his toddler aids in.

Oh, my God. He said it's the best anti-intro. It's like the intro that negates the need to read the book. He's basically saying in code, like, don't read this book. Just be funny. Right. And like what Burr told me when I was starting out, which was really helpful, was like, don't be a dick and be funny.

Those two things together. Those are the two things. Really great combo. Really, really great combo. 02:57:25,020 --> 02:57:28,700 If you want to like, you know, what do you need to do these days? Get a couple people to like you and then they help you. If I had a new comic that I loved, you'd be like, Tom, check this guy out.

Whether you did or not, but you do it five times, one of them it might work. That's true. And that's one of the things I'm not just saying this to promote the show. It's one of the things scratching is about. We're smashing on showtime. Smashing on showtime. We get a lot of, sometimes I get shit where people are like, do comics help each other?

Like they call bullshit on the idea that comics help each other. And I'm like, if you're a comic and the people around you aren't helpful or at least open people, you're hanging out with the wrong ones. Very good. You know what I mean? Yeah. I understand that that might be your reality. They all want to fucking see me fail.

One guy like not a good group. Burn my premises. One guy heckled me. He was pretending he was drunk in the audience. I was like, bad group. Yeah. You got to fucking the people around you. That's your.

So there's your class. That's like the group that you started with. But then there's these micro climates inside. I'm mixing metaphors. But you know what I mean? And with me, it was a bunch of sweetie potatoes. It was me and Kumail and Mulaney. We were supportive.

Good guys. Good people. And but not only that, the premise of the show of crashing is based on a real time in your life. And weren't some comics obviously really good to you? Yes. To inspire people that were ahead of you. You know what I mean?

Absolutely. And you know, that spirit continues. I still see that when my wife in real life, so Christian college going to be a youth pastor, I end up getting married when I was 22. My wife leaves me when I was 28. When people call me a cuck online, I'm like, literally true. I am a cuckold.

Like if you my wife left me, I'm a cuck. Really? That's what a cuck is. That's what it is. That's like literally. That's what a cuckold is. Yeah. Back in the old days, you'd ride a big wheel bicycle.

You'd have a very light styrofoam hat. Did you hear? Mikey's a cuckold. Now it's like a mean thing. You're 28 at the time? I was 28. And she's 20. The only person I had ever had sex with,

the only person I had ever dated. Yeah. And I married her, very standard, because I wasn't going to have sex with somebody and not marry them. We did have sex before marriage, but then we stopped. That's the most Christian thing I could tell you.

Oh, you stopped until you waited until you got married. And then we were like, let's pick it up again when we get married. Did that feel OK to you? Did that feel right? You know. Did you still feel guilty though? I didn't feel that bad about it.

I felt like that was kind of the best of both worlds. There were a lot of people that were like, dry humping is huge in the Christian community. I bet. In your 20s. I bet. Moist humping. That's where you dry hump naked,

as long as the... Wait, you dry hump naked. So it's moist. Wow. And but you don't put it anything in any way. As long as the hot dog doesn't get enveloped by the bun entirely, you're still a virgin. What?

And then there were the Christians I would have. What do you call that? An anal sex. Moist humping. I call it that. I don't know anybody else. So you just rub the outside of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. We were all... Just all slipping in. There's never been a group hornier than Christians. And I would argue that Christians have some of the best sex of any group is because we think we're going to hell for it. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's romantic. That's intense. It's like... It's like a romance novel where it's like, I will risk the flames. It's forbidden. For this titty fucker to get away with it.

Oh my God. But when you feel like it's over and you got away with it, the rush, the adrenaline. No, I would wager that we're having some pretty good sex. Especially that early guilty sex. Oh my God. So then I married her

and then she left me and then that's where crashing sort of picks up. Right. Is that like... And I really did kind of fall into stand-up. I was doing stand-up. This is in real life. Yeah.

I was doing stand-up. But you got way more serious about it after I needed the community. I needed the friends. And Malani and Kroll were like really sweet, dear people to meet TJ. Really cool mail. But you're like new then when this is happening.

We exaggerated how new I am for crashing to make it better. I was a little bit more established by the time she had left me. I had been on TV and stuff. You had. But that's not like a great... What did happen was I wasn't really making a ton of money and then she and I split, right?

Because we did NACA. Did you guys do NACA? No, but I remember like five years. I remember trying to, you know... I was submitting too. I used to submit and I get in and all that stuff. People used to talk about it like, if you go, your whole life would change.

It's crazy. Isn't it funny how in showbiz sometimes you look back on things that would have been the biggest break of your life and you're like, that sounds like torture. Yeah, horrible. They're like, you can do 28 schools in Iowa tomorrow and we'll string them together

so you're on the road for six months and you'll come back with $5,800,000 or whatever it was. And you're just like, now I would be like, that's a death sentence. I can't live in a Holiday Inn Express. No, that and don't do any... You need to be making relevant shit. And don't do any of your material

that you normally do. Like you can't be dirty. That's right. You can't do anything political, sexual. I didn't have anything dirty, political or sexual. Oh, that's right, you're not. So I was perfect. Were you...

Was your household super Christian then? Like growing up? I took it harder than my parents did. Really? Yeah, yeah. That's unique. My father to this day ends phone calls with me by saying, keep in touch with yourself

and don't let you meet Lofi. He loves saying those two phrases, which are both like, jerk off, be sure to make sure you're having lots of sex or something. With yourself. But it always asks me if I sunk the Bismarck yet, which is a submarine in World War II, which means have sex.

So they were surprisingly normal. So when I went to church, like grownups in khakis with keys and wallets told me that you'd go to hell. And I was like, guys, you got to shut the fuck up and listen to Dan over here. Like I just believed grownups. So I was like, hey, he just said, he knows the secrets of the universe.

Why would he lie? And your parents were like, no, it's not that serious. Well, I was, I got more of that at church. You know what I mean? You didn't talk about it. And they went. You know what I mean? It's like we all went, but I listened.

Yeah. But that's interesting. Like grownups know how to go to church and be like, you know, you say that when you're there. But kids are like, no, these grownups and the nice, sweet grownups, you know what I mean? My household was pretty tumultuous. Not like horrible, but your shit is your shit.

My parents didn't like each other and they're fighting a lot and stuff. So then you go to church and like the nicest grownups, you know, like these new like father figures about their figures are like wearing nice suits and giving you cookies and then they're just like, hey, you know, don't you want to go to heaven? And you're like, yeah.

So like, I, you know, if it's a hook, the hook was put in me way deeper. My brother was older. So he was just like, he was already having sex and doing drugs and stuff. And he was just like, this fucking sex. So like it just like took to me. Was he like, Pete, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I went, he kind of regrets that actually. Because on crashing, like my character talks about real things like worrying that Jesus was going to come back. Because, you know, a Christian belief is that Jesus is coming back at some point, the second coming. And I used to worry that Jesus would return while I was masturbating, which obviously is funny, but it's not really funny.

If you think about it, it's not really funny. Like you're masturbating. So you have this like irrepressible urge. And it's totally normal. Not only are you kind of like guilty about it, but you're also worried that Jesus might come out on a golden sheep, like the car, like I'm here to take you home. What are you, what are you doing?

You know, like, and you go to hell. So I think that's really funny because I made my piece with that. But my brother will watch crashing and he'll call me and he'll be like, I'm so sorry. Like he feels like he feels like I was abused. And he was just like, I didn't know my little brother was in the bedroom next door, like thinking he was scared. He's masturbating.

Yeah. But I actually think it's, I, I actually think it's really funny now. I've had enough distance to be like, to be masturbating and looking at the clouds. So like, just give me five minutes. Yeah. King of kings.

Yeah. I'm never being scared. And he always did. Jesus a lot, you know. Well, it's a scary idea. You know, it depends on how he's. And when sex and just doesn't go well with it, like a, you know, pretty Christian upbringing,

like, I had pretty Catholic parents and, you know, you start to definitely feel like this is a bad thing. Sexual thoughts, sexual feelings, sexual acts. My mom and my dad were Catholic and they gave me a little bit of that Catholic guilt. I think that's why I'm, I'm not to say I'm grateful for it, but like it almost makes us funnier. That's one of the things that we deal with on,

on crashing as well as like Artie, obviously, Artie is like, he's got a lot of demons and he's so funny. Yeah, he's so funny. And like we had a line, we ended up cutting it, but he was like, he was like, now you're my wife left me funny. You know what I mean? Richard Pryor was, I was raised in a brothel in Peoria.

Yeah, right. You know, and it's not to say that we crave or ask for suffering, but it is interesting that stand up is one of the fortunate professions, going back to that gratitude, that you can't alchemize it a little bit. We take that weird thing, I'm, I'm jerking off and I'm worried that G,

like to the point of tears, like I'm worried that Jesus is gonna catch me jerking up. Then you use it to make an HBO show. That's fucking beautiful. It's pretty awesome. That's redemption. Yes. So redeeming moment.

And it's also like the highest form of that suffering, turning it into a piece of art. That's exactly right. That's what my therapist says. You sublimate all the suffering into, we could be doing drugs or, you know, gambling or prostituting, but instead we tell far jokes or fart into a microphone and make millions of people happy.

You could, and a lot of us do in my heart breaks is you can fold into yourself. Yeah. We're all in this together. And that's one of the reasons the show is called Crashing, not to make this too after school especially. I'm just saying the idea of crashing is if you're trying to be a comedian or doing anything

that's different or interesting or in your heart to do, it's a dream. If it sucks, Marina Franklin says this to my character in the first season, she goes, if it sucks, that's how you know you're doing it right. That's why we tell the story about NACA, trying to book colleges. That's why you tell the story about doing warm up

or barking, handing out flyers. Because I want every comedian out there to watch and go, oh, good. Because when I met, I would be barking and fucking Demetri Martin would come by and be like, I barked for the Boston too. And you're just like, it might as well have been cocaine. He might as well have given me cocaine.

That's what it did. Because I was just like, my feet weren't touching the ground for the rest of the day. When Jim Gaffigan told me, I started at the Boston. That place still a shit hole. And you're like, yeah. He's like, yeah, it's kind of good. You want to start where no one's going to see you anyway.

And you're just like, oh, fuck yeah. Just that little moment. Just a little moment of grace. And that sort of stuff would happen all the time. And that's kind of one of the things. Obviously, we want the show to be super funny and interesting. But there is something in there that's hopeful. And it doesn't have to be a comedian.

I think comedian is a great catch-all for a dream. Because it just means you want who you are to be accepted. Architects also want their thoughts to be accepted. But we have the added benefit that we can be really funny. That's true. By the way, speaking of the show and poor Artie, everybody is always thinking about him and wondering, do you know anything about him?

Is he OK right now? I don't know. I mean, I saw the photos of his nose. And I would say this if he was here. You know, obviously we're show brothers. And I love the guy. But I was watching it last night. And I was like, man, we thought his nose was bad on the show.

And then, unfortunately, it got worse. But is he in rehab right now? Or in jail or something? I think he got out of rehab. And apparently, he's not on heroin. That's what I've heard is that I think he's passing his PP test. I'm not really the authority. No, no, no.

I just had a quick thought. No, I don't mind talking about it. I just want to be clear. Anyone listening, this is not like from the source. Right, right, right. When I do talk to Artie, we don't talk. It's very hard to talk about that stuff. You talk about it without talking about it.

You're like, Artie, please, we love you. Please take care of yourself. He's beloved. He's so beloved by the whole community, really. Whenever we tweet a preview or something of crashing like a 15 second thing, and he's in it, he's in the 15 second preview, all my Twitter is just clogged with these loyal fans.

They're just like, where's Artie? More Artie? Yeah, yeah. More fucking Artie. The show sucks except for us. They love saying that. They love him, and it's hard not to love him, but he's so, so, so funny.

He riffs so many of the great things, he said. I think one of the reasons the show got picked up was because Artie riffed this whole monologue in the scene where he's just talking about struggling with addiction and kind of like what we were talking about, like mad TV and getting there, but feeling empty and all that sort of Golden Globe feeling and going to drugs and really struggling.

I mean, it's so, when I had Dr. Drew, you guys had Dr. Drew on a couple times, I told him, I've never been more sure in my life than addiction, that addiction is a disease. You know what I mean? It's not, I know you know that, but then you're like, oh, nobody wants to stop more than Artie. Yeah, he's got it, yeah, he wants it.

But it's not here, right? It's something going on. It's going on inside of him. Yeah, which sucks. How well-versed, because you took to the Christian upbringing and then you went to a Christian college, how well-versed are you in the Bible and Christianity? You know, that's interesting.

Compared to some, not great compared to most. Pretty great. Pretty great. So I wanted to get your take on these Christian jokes, you know? It takes my heart. This is breaking my heart, man. I just want to know whether, I will, yes. Well, you laugh, because you know,

I just want to know like, are these references? Inside, like whether, would this be funny to college HP? I can help out. Season three of Crashing is about my character joining the Christian comedy tour, which is something that I've done Christian comedy show. Stop it. And yeah, it's an interesting mark.

I went to, I've gotten in trouble for saying SOB, which isn't a swear, it's an acronym representing a swear. I got represented for, uh, represented. I got reprimanded for saying penis. Yeah. And I wasn't saying like, suck it. I was just, uh, just like saying that, you know, someone's penis.

Yeah. And then I got off stage. And this was at, uh, juniors in Erie, Pennsylvania. And the woman who had bought the club was like, I only like clean comedy. So when you get booked, they're like, can you do a clean set? And I looked at it like, A, I need the work.

And kind of a challenge. So I just literally made the 45 to 60 minutes work like that. And she was like, you said penis up there. I was like, are you seriously busting my chops for saying? Even before I watched this, it just sort of, it just sort of breaks my heart that there is Christian music, that there is Christian comedy that we've, because as somebody that used to be in that world,

it just hurts me that we're like, we're not in it. Like we're not feeling what you guys are feeling. You know what I mean? Oh, you mean a segregate kind of Christian world from the. This guy, I don't know this guy. He has the same complex emotions. Like there's a burden to my people. And I still consider them my people.

It's like, you're not allowed to express your doubt. You're not allowed to express your anger. Oh. You're not allowed to express your ugliness. Yes. You know what I'm saying? You got to always put on that face. Your jealousy.

That's what I mean. And that is not as I interpret it. And I don't think that's really much up for debate. That's not the message of Christ. The authenticity and realness and truth and light is like the fucking point. So when I see us going like, well, a lot of times Christian, and this maybe is better before I do this.

We're trying to represent holiness. Like I think if you are holy, like if you connect into the infinite consciousness that erupted into the big bang and made everything, if you can get into that feeling of oneness, chances are you probably are a pretty equanimous, gentle, nice, patient, not very horny person, not having 12 Mikolo Bultra's kind of guy. You know what I'm saying?

Like we're not watching Hardcore. We're not reading Barely Legal. You know what I mean? But that comes after the inner transformation. Sure. My people, and I used to do this, go, oh, I see the fruit of the inner transformation. So I'll pretend that I have it.

Interesting. Because that's all that matters is I just want to be in the group. So I don't swear. That's what you bump up against. You bump up against what you, when you're not in that group and you meet that person, you bump up against what you perceive as this, the phoniness.

That's right. What you go like, you're putting on something here. And I want to be. And that you don't express any doubt and that you have all the answers. And it feels like it's. It's carved before the horse. Yeah.

Yeah. And I sympathize. I'm not saying the Christians are a bunch of holy, phony holy people. I'm saying when I was in that church, I felt it and saw the need to do it because there wasn't land. There wasn't freedom. There wasn't room for your doubt. They might say like, your doubts are welcome.

No, they're fucking not. They're not. And neither is like my alcoholism or my drug addiction or my porn addiction. It's not. We all like, you know, when youth pastors would take back in the day before the Internet would go for a conference, they take over a whole like a holiday in the porn like

ordering back when you had to order porn would go through with like times 10, of course, because they're like this very, I think, juicy, exciting, electric, alive idea that Jesus was representing got turned into. Don't jerk off. And you know what happens when you do that? Porn rates go through the roof when you finally have a weekend away from Helen, your frigid wife.

You know, it sucks that we've lost the narrative. I didn't come here to preach. But anyway, no, this is all good stuff. When we say there's Christian comedy, it breaks my heart because I think Bill Burr is doing comedy that is true and is therefore Christ ish. You know what I'm saying? I see what you're saying.

Yes, it's it's on the side of this is what it's fucking like to be a human. It heals us. It gives us solidarity and makes us feel less alone. That's so much better than going up and being like, you know, Bathsheba was on the roof. Do you think King David took a little peekaboo? Like, who are you helping?

OK, you just did the first thing. Well, you just. Yeah, I'm sure I did. I don't know. Actually, I could tell you. These are tell me. Let's see what some of these are. And by the way, my heart is open to this man.

What's up, Strong Church? Chris here. You know, they always say that preacher jokes are the worst. So we thought we'd put that to the test. This is the preacher joke challenge. How do we know that cars are in the New Testament? Because Jesus was a carpenter. Can you pause it, please?

Yeah, yeah. That's one of the worst jokes I've ever heard. Tell us why. Yeah, yeah. It's it's like forcing. It's terrible when I went to Disneyland and they were when you were waiting in line for like the Monsters Inc ride, they were like,

write a joke and they'll put it up on the screen. And I was like the joke that I wanted to be on the screen. And I'm like, I'm a professional comedian. I can do the joke that I wrote was what do. What is Mickey Mouse? What happens when Mickey Mouse cries? Or what is Mickey Mouse cry? Mouse kateers.

Oh, that's good. It's not good. And I appreciate that. I also liked it. But it's like you're just trying. This is that is 10 times better than this shit. Yeah. This is word called painter.

A carpenter. It's like there was that somebody didn't. I like the way you said that just just so like you said it. Like you were literally upset. There was a nickel back parody song. Somebody tried to go weird Al on look at this photograph. And they went, look at this photograph. It doesn't sound like photograph.

I'm out. And carpenter is not what we say. No. Fucking get out of here. Get out of here. Let's go to the next one. I appreciate your rage at this. No, me too.

Why didn't Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the arc? Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. 03:17:23,660 --> 03:17:27,100 Why did Noah have to punish and discipline? I feel like discipline is a clue. All right.

The chickens on the arc because they were clucking around. I think you can do that. That sounds like fucking. No, you're right. So it can't be that. Um, I did not punch the chickens. I mean, it's going to be a chicken play. Is that going to be something about, yeah.

That's a chick. It's definitely a chick. A bunch of egg heads. Or yeah. A bunch of something with eggs, right? They were. To get to the other side. No, discipline.

They were too excited to be on the egg side. Because they were using foul. They got us. They got us. But look at him laughing. Here's the best part. This nerd is like. In foul language.

It's not terrible. That one's at least not terrible. It's not terrible, but that laugh is so big. But I do. Yes. That's a big laugh. The laugh was too big and the guy's delivery was not very good. He's very deadpan.

But this what's going on here. Just one more little dip into their into the Pete preaching pool is like. What are we saying about a faith for grown, intellectual, interesting people when the jokes that we can appreciate are baby jokes? Right. You know what I mean? Have you read the Bible? Have you read the book of Job?

Have you seen the complexity and the sex and the violence and the doubt and the shame and the fear in that book? And that people are actually drawn to Jesus? Do you know Jesus drew a crowd? It's like fucking hanging out with Jim Carrey. Like if you went, people came and listened to him. It's not because he was saying they had foul fucking language. You understand?

You think you can draw an impromptu crowd back in the day when like 15 feet over someone's like just killing a goat for fun? Like look at that. I'm killing this. Don't like you had medieval shit to compete with. People wanted to listen to Jesus and it's become like how many lollipops can you let before a Jew goes to hell? Like how the fuck did we wait a minute?

Wait, do you guys know that was even a better joke than the car? Totally was. Everything's a better joke than the car. Do you want to guess the the joke answer to how do you make holy water? How do you make holy water? But first of all, let's look at how disinterested... With a hole punch. With what?

With a hole punch. A hole punch. Something about the punch here. Oh right. But look how disinterested the kid is listening on the left there. It's fantastic. That was mean. I'm so bored.

Just like god damn. That's right before you left the church. How do you make holy water? How do you make holy water? I don't know. Oh, he's milking it. Get regular water and boil the devil. That is not a joke.

Get regular water and boil the devil out of it. Is that an orgasm? No. It's a guy who's excited about a highway. Wow. Seriously. The Trans Canada Highway. The Trans Canada Highway.

I just did a show. Shane Moss has the show with scientists where he was like, uh, when you hear a real orgasm or a real laugh, when you speed them up or slow them down, they sound like animals. Like if you take a video and it sounds like animals and fake laughs and fake orgasms, when you slow them down, sound fake.

They still sound fake. So your brain is actually doing a similar type of analysis. So when someone's like, it's like usually too slow. Actually, one of the things we learned is if you're going to fake a laugh, speed it up. It makes it seem more animal. No way. But if you take a real laugh and slow it down or speed it up,

it sounds like a chimpanzee. But a fake laugh slowed down sounds like. When slowed down, a real laugh sounds like. Same thing with an orgasm. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. So that's why your brain can tell.

It has a built in thing that obviously, whether or not you can trust somebody and whether or not they're being forthcoming with you is important to the survival of our species. So reading laughs and reading orgasms is actually like something you can do. You can do that. And it's probably.

It's not just a guess. We have an innate ability to do it. That's what I mean. Yeah, it's unconscious. Isn't it an unconscious thing? It's unconscious. You know what's true. But even it's subconscious.

Subconscious. Yes. Sorry. Subconscious. Um, I would say your subconscious is unconscious. So, but wait a minute. Let's see. Okay.

Um, you are so funny, man. Look how bored both of these kids are. This is so funny. Like, why do the thing if you're not remotely interested? Well, I do know what you're saying. Do you realize how fucking lame this joke is? No, let's breathe it. Break it down.

So the joke is how do you make holy water? Get regular water and boil the devil out of it. Like using basically, that's like an old, it's an expensive lady who was like, well, you just got a bold devil out of it. Yeah, the tar out of it. Exactly. Sure.

It was a mistake that someone goes, wait, that's a drug. Did you just boil the devil out of it? Did this kid, because I didn't want, did he laugh? Did the kid on the left laugh? Or was he like, Well, let's see it again.

Can we see the reaction of the board kid? Let's see if he has enough wear with all to be genuine board. Get regular water and boil the devil out of it. Nope. They jump cut. He's like, go fuck yourself with that joke. He's also, he's Jay Lenoening. He's only thinking about how to say his.

That's right. He's not listening. Jay Lenoening. He Jay Lenoed him. Yeah, yeah. He Jay Lenoed him. He's like, all right. Coming up here.

Yeah. He's thinking about his thing. God, this is the most boring joke off ever. Let's go then. What's the next one, Native? What do you call Dracula with hay fever? What do you call Dracula with hay fever? This is definitely going to be a bad pile.

Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go. Hi, Kenny. These are too bad. Apollon count. That is so bad.

Apollon count. That is so bad. That's bad. Who wrote these? A computer from the 1980s? A terrible. Apollon count. Oh, okay.

Truly a nightmare. A nightmare. So for those who didn't hear it, it's what do you call Dracula with hay fever? The pollen count. Get it? I just want to kill myself. Me too.

That's what I'm saying. It's like, I think this, this, I think do it. Oh man. Here we go. He loves it. That's what I think about that joke. And he just gave you a double thought. I get registered.

How can the Jews, whose book is 70% these people's book? Yeah. Like these people's book is 70% a Jewish book. Yeah. True. How can the Jews be so funny? And these fucking, as Kurt Metzger said, these boiled hams. They're so white.

They look like, boy, that's a Kurt Metzger joke. These fucking white bread, wonder bread in a snowstorm. We are a cultureless, humorless crew. But he said it's because they boil all the fun out of you because you can't have any sort of adverse ideas or, or right. You got to be with him in narrow confines.

I hear you. Behavior. That's true. You're trying, you're playing a very limited game. There's a lot of, it's like operation. You got to get in there. Yes, yes. But the truth is, is these girls, or the guys before,

they're sluts. Everybody in these videos is a slut. No, I'm saying they have their real selves. You know, they have sleepovers and they tell a joke about a tampon looking like a stick of dynamite or whatever it is. Right. And they actually have an authentic experience.

And the fact that that authentic experience is separate from their time in church is again sad. But do you think though, because have you ever met or hung out with somebody who genuinely is like, they're so sheltered that they have this like innocence way? Or you're like, are you fucking serious? Where they, they laugh at shit like that? Like they have such that, you know what I mean?

No, I know people like that. I have an aunt who's like 75 and still like that. Where like she reads, readers digest books. They have a joke section and jokes like this. And she sometimes laughed till tears. And the enjoyment is twofold. It's like the joke itself and also the relief that you weren't offended.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You're sort of laughing in delight that you finally found a joke for you. She's reaching for it. No, I'm just thinking sure this is off. Oh, thank God. If it's up, it's off, right?

How many fucking farts? Up is off. Up is on. I understand. Down is on. I think down's probably off. Down is off. Oh, it's one of those weird mics where down is off.

I just had a wrong answer. I just want to make sure it's not picking. I do want to say it's not, it couldn't really be, you can't really have a church where people are telling tampon jugs. I understand. You know what I mean? I'm not an idiot.

But even the sheltered person, that's also going like, we'll create the appearance of holiness by withholding them from everything. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? When really the way out is through. You know what I mean? True holiness, I think it comes from going through

all of that experience and having, this is very Buddhist, but having compassion and love for all of humanity and all of that experience, instead of just going, I'm going to sequester myself. That's a very 20th century Christian idea where it's like, we're just going to, we got no TV, we got no, and I understand limiting that stuff, but it's like. Yeah, when they fully isolate themselves, it's,

now look how hard this nerd laughed at that fucking. Yeah, she hasn't heard much. She reminds me. Why is she laughing that hard? I don't know. If you need help building an ark, I know a guy. That's not a setup. Oh, building an ark.

That's a punchline. I know a guy. Oh, we missed a setup on that one. There is no setup. No, that's, that's the video. If you need help building an ark, I know a guy. He did it right. That's a punchline.

I know a guy. I know, but I'm saying like, as far as the video goes, that's the beginning of it, right? That's the whole thing. Yeah. It's also, this is a print joke. Yeah. You don't know that that doesn't work read aloud.

I'm going to sit at the pulpit. You fucking idiot. You're here to tell me the mysteries of the universe, and you don't know this joke isn't going to work. By far it is your life. I'm living irate. One time I was in a hotel and I was flipping by. I was in the Midwest or something and there were televangels.

There was a televangelist and he had a fucking hairpiece. I was like, if you can't be honest about that. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're up there talking about truth. Can I get a fucking wig on? It's sliding down and Jesus tells us to be honest with our neighbors.

You fucking idiot. What's angering me is this guy's sunglasses on his fucking dumb head. Don't you hate when people do that or even worse on the back of the neck? I want to punch this fuck around. Oh my God. Everyone's doing that, by the way.

Everyone? Go to the airport. You look like these hairy-faced people facing you in life. So weird. This kid knows how to get to the mall. This kid orders at Cheesecake Factory without opening the menu. Oh wow.

Chicken and biscuits and I'm going to pre-order my Oreo cheesecake and I want you to put it in a cup and blend it. You want us to blend it? Put it in a cup. They do it every week. And blend it. Tell them Devon's here.

Devon, that kid's totally a Devon. With his free t-shirt. That's a totally free t-shirt. What else you got? Let me hear it. A free better. Another one? Is that it?

Which Bible character had no earthly parents besides Adam and Eve? Um... Which Bible character had no earthly parents? You could probably get this one. Adam and Eve? Well, Jesus had Mary, but no dad. But I'm looking at it like a Jeopardy question.

No. This is just going to be a waste of our fucking time. It's too dumb. Yeah, just let it go. 03:28:58,140 --> 03:28:59,740 Joshua's son of a gun. Joshua's son of a gun. She came to get it out.

Wow, she was so... Get it. She really thought that was funny. That's so funny. And I went to... Woo! Hell yeah! Can I do it?

So funny. Because I went to Catholic school and I went to Christian school, and I don't know Joshua's son of none. I've never heard of that. No. That's another thing that's missing. Yeah.

Will this joke play when spoken aloud? No consideration. Yeah. Is this a known biblical reference? Yeah. When I said Beth, she, but these are your areas. I got that one. Maybe Balaam's talking ass.

Do you know that story? Balaam, no. Balaam had a donkey, but in the Old Testament, they call him asses. So God spoke to Balaam through his ass. Hilarious. So now that's a good Bible joke. There's also my favorite is Hosea 3.8,

which is, Go show love to your wife, just as the Lord your God shows love to the Israelites, though they turn their back on him and love the sacred raisin cakes. Right? We thought that was so funny, because what the fuck is a sacred raisin cake?

Do you know what it is? It's a beehull. It's a euphemism for anal sex. What? Wait, I was joking. Seriously? No, you were right. That's your raisin cake?

That's your sacred raisin cake. In the Bible, it says that. Hosea 3.8, I believe. 03:30:09,740 --> 03:30:11,260 That's a positive. That's in your part. You fucking, you motherfucker, you. That sounds like hardcore fun.

That sounds like hardcore fun. And the Israelites love the sacred raisin cake. Is that right? I did not know that. No, I don't know if they did. Oh. But I mean, Your raisin cake.

Hosea is painting with a pretty broad brush, even if a third of them love the sacred raisin cake. Everybody was this. So that was something that people would be like, you know what a raisin cake is, right? Like they would whisper it to each other. That's funny, though. That's genuinely funny.

It's a funny, even in the Bible, we can't put. I'm writing the Bible here. I can't say they love eating ass. And what are they doing in the raisin cake? Give them a little perimeter tickle. Yeah, exactly. Are they getting all, are they moving in with luggage? All the way.

They're moving in with luggage. You a big anal guy? Never done it. Me neither. No, I'm not interested. I don't. It's not because I think it's gross or weird or anything. I do.

I think it's gross and weird. It's hilarious. That's why I don't want to do it. So funny. Well, it's different for you because you'd be receiving, unless you're really... Yes. Yeah, I guess you could strap on.

You certainly can. O-M-G-O-M. I remember somebody at the Green Room of the Comedy Store, it was Harlan Williams. He was there with Val and he was like, you got to try it. It's fantastic. He's so funny.

He's so funny. That's so funny. I'll tell you too quick, Harlan Williams. He's so great. Can I say this? I just thought of the joke answer. It's like, I already have a hard enough time believing that she likes vaginal sex.

That's just like a joke, obviously. But like, I need to know they like it. I'm a performer. So if there's something in there that I'm like... I don't think you're talking about me. I was like, no, I like vaginal sex. No, no, no, my wife. It's just a joke.

But I'm just saying like, anything that kind of hinges on the idea that it's like, can you believe she's letting me do it in the butt? That doesn't get me on. No. I'm there for her. And I'm not saying this to be Captain Good Guy. I'm a standup.

It's a dysfunction. I want them to please it. So if it's like, I wedged it and then she was like, slower, slower. I'm not like, if anybody was like, hold on. I'm like, not only is this over, I've lost my erection. And I want to read a book right now. Like you don't like hurting people and stuff.

That's what I'm saying. Anything. There's a lot of stuff. Ha ha ha. Anything that's like... So super. Degrade. I've had girlfriends.

I had a girlfriend that was like, we went and bought a leash. Neither of us had a dog. We went and got a leash. And it was her idea. Do I have to look at my fucking... Iowa City face. I do not want to win my girlfriend with a leash.

She got this real thin one that like hurt. And I hit her with it once and like it left a red mark. And I was like, you're like, I'm sorry. No way. Yeah, it's exactly. Yeah. Some people are like... I'm not into it either.

Yeah. And I'm not judging those people. I'm just like, that is not me. It takes all of my effort to have good old fashioned meat and potatoes in the veg. See, I like head in the toilet. I like all that stuff. That is hilarious.

Yeah. Not with me, but someone else does that. 03:33:11,740 --> 03:33:12,460 Back in the day. Head in the toilet. I remember one time I was sleeping with a girl. Oh, don't ask so cool. I'm married to you, remember that.

This was a long time ago. So we'd gone out a few times. And this is... I thought that like, because I actually really am lovey-dovey and you know, like relationships. And I'd go now if you're... I assume because I'm sleeping with her that we're kind of going towards a relationship,

you know, in my mind. I understand. Because I'm 23 or something. So we... I've been married for a year at that point. Oh my God. So we go out a few times. It's crazy.

And then she's at my place. And I think we... I forget if we had maybe we had just... We just had sex. We were about to. And she's like, you know, this other guy that I'm having sex with. And I was like, yeah.

And she's like, like, he really, you know, bosses me around and like, you know, like puts toys in me and like really, like, is much more aggressive. I like it. She's taking the cat in the hat. I was like, oh, okay. I was like totally...

I was like, let's see what I can do. That's because your marriage material means... Oh my God. Now I have great title alert. Oh. Tom Segura marriage material. Marriage material. But I tell you what, I got her that day.

Oh, wait. It's double meaning. I put... I double... I dumped the entire trash on her from the kitchen, like with banana peels and stuff. You did not. And like old food.

Yes. You got a bag of dog food. 03:34:41,260 --> 03:34:43,820 I swatted over her face. You did? I made her eat the scrum from... Yeah. Yeah.

And I was like, is that what you want? Like that. But then I cried. But then I cried. So you're still a sensitive decent guy then? I'm a good guy. You didn't like that? I don't know.

What can I do? I'm a good guy. You didn't like that? No. I couldn't do that shit, man. I couldn't do it. I really couldn't do it. I don't know.

I never could either. No. And it's again, I know it's very... It's popular to be sweet now, which I'm all about. Yeah. But it's like anytime, even which is regular sex, if somebody was like, wait, I'd just be like, this is over. Dude, for me, here's the thing.

Here's the one that was over for me too. That's normal though. I had... That's good. I had zero of the, I don't know what you call it, but that part where when she's not interested, where you go like, I'll just keep trying. I had zero of that.

Oh, that's tacky. So I always... Meaning like, I only slept with somebody. That's what Puerto Rican guys do. I only had sex with... I don't endorse that comment. Well, here's the thing. She can say that.

She can say that because she slept with a number of them. So... They all pull that move, Puerto Rican guys. What is the move that you're... Just let me do that. Let's just put the tab. Just let me, just let me. And then you're like, I don't know.

I don't know if I should. And then they wear you down. And then you just kind of do it, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's what's with that. You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. Here's the thing. Wow.

Here's the thing. If I was in the Midwest right now, I would be like, man, I'm a long way from LA. But I'm in LA. You guys are making great... What I was trying to say was this. To me, any amount of like hesitation or like not wanting to do something,

to me would always completely turn me off from any sexuality. So like if someone's like weirder with you. I don't know. I'd be like, no. We did a sketch called Batman Can't Stop Thinking About Sex. And there was a line that Batman says, which is so from my psyche. Obviously we're riffing a lot.

And he goes, sometimes the sexiest thing of what we could do is forgive. I mean, find it, madame. Find it. Find the audio. It's towards the end. But that to me, this is real vulnerability. Like there's emotional people.

Everyone, people are going to call me a cock. What? But I am. What's up, you fucking cock? What's up, cock? Yeah. I'm a fucking cock. Yeah.

Hey, cock. So what? Suddenly I'm Mark Wahlberg. Hey, you're a fucking cock. I saw you over there. You got no abs. You're a fucking cock. You're a fucking cock.

So anyway. You got no abs. You got no abs, bro. When do you get up? I never sleep. So anyway, this is par for the course for me. Going like, I don't know if I can. And then the woman being like, it's fine.

And then me being like, now I can. Like that is such a turn on for me. Because vulnerability and emotional safety is important. Goes both ways. Like a safe environment where it's like, hey, I don't care. Everybody loves this feeling. I got nowhere to be. Yeah.

Like I'm just happy to be with you. Yeah. You don't have to be. I feel like traditionally ladies is like, that's lady shit. Fuck you. No, yeah. I got balls. Yeah, I got.

No, but maybe I'm Puerto Ricans aside. I have been with sweet men who have wanted consensual nice experiences and those are always better. Clearly. I'm not talking to you. As long as you say, as long as it's baked in Puerto Ricans, the Puerto Ricans, there's no way. You two black dick.

Hello. I'm available. That's Christina. I love the Puerto Rican. I love Puerto Rican men. I know it's never ending. What's wrong with that story at our house? Like every fucking time people's on TV.

She's like, I love it. Yeah, she loves it. I love them. Sometimes the sexiest thing I love and can do is forgive. Because I look at the screen and the dog is definitely not looking for it. We don't have internet. We don't have internet.

Yeah, I can't. What happened? You want to we want to have a fucking full three dimensional movies now crazy. I know the first thing we did when we got this space now four months ago was sign up for Internet and paid for it every month a sizable fee because it's a business like Office Park.

Yeah. And in four months, they haven't been able to give us Internet yet for months. Meanwhile, we've soundproofed a room. We've built two sets. Is it soundproof? I feel like if I get too loud, it's kind of echoing. Well, they're not done.

Well, I don't know if you heard, but we had a sponsor. Who? McDonald's. We don't anymore. So they left. They fired us after last week's show. Sorry, but you were parking McDonald's. Oh, it was fantastic.

They gave us over. Tell me, over two million dollars. They did not. They did. And all we had to do is paint the set and make it look like an old McDonald's. We painted it back after they fired us. Hold on.

Last week, it was yellow and red. Yeah. If you want to look at the Internet. You was it based on a bit? No. Were you like, I just love old McDonald's. So here's that when we were moving to this space, we started talking about it.

Podcasts had some traction. Our agents were like trying to make something happen, like make some money off of the fact that we were upgrading the studio. I just got to go home. I know. I have to go home. Keep going.

I couldn't be more interested. Many, many French fries. Um, so we got so interested. I turned down lower offers because I thought it was just ridiculous. And somehow they they came up to 2.3 million dollars that we could basically spend to run this operation for a few years.

And then last week, we're doing the show. That just makes me think your overhead is way too high. In the dog. I know. Well, show them Terry. So here's what happened. Yeah. We do this show last week.

We put Uncle Terry on basically and we do a segment with this guy and McDonald's flips out that we basically did this. So I can't wait. Do you anything that you have on the hard disk we can watch? I know. It has to be on the hard drive. Yeah.

Yeah. Go ahead and do a spotlight search for it. Yes. Search. Good luck. For this guy. This is what got, this is what lost our mind. And let me know if you think this guy's a Christian.

Hi there, guys. It's Pete again. And I'm here to do a little video. I wanted to use this five greening toy that I bought, this new one. And I thought I'd try that in. And then I also wanted to try this double-ended fuck sleep that has these like massive bullets in them.

I haven't used it, of course. And then I went to look and they didn't send any batteries. So bad, bad, bad. I'm not going to be able to use the vibrate part. But the butt toy vibrates. So I'm sure that's going to get me off. And it's got this cool built-in car frame. So cool.

And then I got this cool, a friend of mine had one. And he fucks it with his boyfriend. And it's a double-ended dude. So I really want to try this because I like fucking stuff. But first, I'm going to try and get this in my butt. And then turn it on. And it's even got this cool little. This is the opposite of worrying that Jesus is coming back

while you're messing with me. This guy wants views. This guy doesn't worry about Jesus. There's actually a part of me that I admire his freedom. Right? Right. That's what I was saying. I did not save with Nicky Glaser.

And they gave us a fleshlight thing. And I was like, I'm going to try this. And as soon as I came inside of it, I was like, OK, I'm going to bury this. I had a dog instinct. Is it great, though? I've never. Is it great?

It was. But it wasn't worth the emotional cost. The shame. The shame. Like that was the only way I could get there. Shame to the vendor. It was a gift. It was a gift.

I have to use the gift. Yeah. And then you're just in your bedroom alone going. Oh, that's a sadist, isn't it? This guy is like, yeah, like fucking stuff. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we were saying.

He should be on the American flag. He's like, we liken him to like, you know, he's like doing a cooking show. Where he's like, I'm actually going to take the chicken. Like, it's so casual. This is definitely going to get me off. Yeah. This vibrates big no-no to you.

I don't report an error to Microsoft if I was looking at porn. And this guy makes a video going, he didn't include battery. I got to put this in my ass. And he's kind of judgment-free. He's like, I have a friend. He fucks it with his body. Yeah.

And like, kind of beautiful. He's also in like, strangely good shape. Yeah. Right. And he's tan. It's got a nice texture to it. OK. I think it'll be easy to go in.

Is this on a porn site? Or a, or a, or a, this is not NBC News. I can't even listen. Is it on YouTube or is it on a porn site? It does have kind of a good size head on. So it may take a minute. He looked at me like he was mad. This is my last fuck toy video.

This isn't just a, this isn't a vlog. He's a porn guy. He's making porn. We don't know. We don't know. Like you cropped it. Well, I didn't crop it, but yeah. It's been cropped.

The dove had that lovely job. Like this is so you can watch it in masturbate. I think, I think. It's not just instructional. I mean, look at that. Look at those dead eyes right there. Those are really. He looks like he's reading a pastor joke.

I know a guy. That's the face you made. A carpainter. He's a carpainter. A carpainter. He's having more fun than those kids. Oh my God. Making those terrible ones.

I've said this before. By the way, right here we found out McDonald's was super pissed already. Like they were not into this at this point. Yeah. Was it worth the two point? Was it three point? Two point three. Two point three.

I think it might have been worth that. We'll let you decide the clip's not over yet. If you're new to it, you've got to go slow. Don't try and rush it. Don't try and go too fast. It's a little hurt. You won't want to try again. He's got his dick.

The tip of his dick. So he's rock hard. Once you get used to it, you learn how to breathe and relax yourself. But play can be a lot of fun. He's actually, it's kind of compassionate. Yes. He's doing it for help. He's like, look, I get it.

Yeah. Maybe you're new to. I know I should just be laughing, but I'm like, it's kind of lovely. No, yeah, I know. I disagree wholeheartedly. I'm with you though, Pete. I'm with you in that I feel like.

Disagree. Disagree. This guy is. Disagree to disagree. He is shame free. That's what I mean. And it's. Nope.

I like it. He should be celebrated. Can I tell you something? Not only is he shame free and wants to help others. No, he, no, you guys are wrong. This guy is a total fucking weird beard and he needs to learn shame and boundaries. There's no, he needs to have some shame.

Shame is a good thing and swallow those. It's pretty comfortable in there. Oh, I don't feel it. Look at those straight lines. I thought he was wearing underwear. It's nice. It's been a nice feel to it. So let me try and turn it on.

The remote doesn't seem to work. At least when I first tried it with turning down, it just, it cycles through the steps. So, oh. That's just a constant. Oh, fuck. I hate his face. I hate his face.

Oh, that's like a terrible face. Oh, fuck. God. I hate this guy's fucking face. All I can see is how much of the video is left and it makes me feel disgust. It's so gross right now. Don't you feel gross inside?

And you've seen it before. He loves it. This is his favorite video. I hate this video. He loves it so much. Favorite by far. Look at where it took you. You're happiest place.

I am. See how sick he is? He has no compassion. I love it. No, my husband's got mental problems. Why? Because I like cool guys. This guy's mean.

I like cool guys. I like cool guys. I'm going to try out the sleeve now. Oh, my God. And like I said, I'm really kind of disappointed that this won't be vibrating too, but I think it's going to go out. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. I didn't think it was going to be okay. Oh, my God. Really? This has some really weird. You know why? Why did it?

Because he was like ass play. Not to assume that all gay men do ass play, but he seemed like a straight guy being like, look, it's not that weird. Oh, right, right. If you want to play with your bud, that's why I kind of thought it was nice. But he's got the gay pride necklace.

And the fuck sleeve that he likes to use with his friend. It's kind of neat. Did he say that? I thought he said I have a friend that uses it with his friend. I think he shares it with his friend. Well, no, I think he, I think he's right, but there's also another part in this

where he definitely talks about it'd be cool to fuck this with somebody else sometimes. It'd be cool. It's kind of neat. That's what he said. I mean, it's kind of like when you see somebody at McDonald's, this guy, this guy actually has a lot in common with McDonald's.

Here's what I have to do. This is the person that McDonald's is like, I want a number one and number two and a number five. Yeah. That's what this guy is. He's greedy. That's why McDonald's was like, we can't be. This is a conflict of interest.

You can either promote this guy or us. That's true. Because the culinary version of this guy's shamelessness is McDonald's. The irony is that I have what I have to deal with is that this is now by far. The hardest I've ever laughed from a video. And he's responsible for us losing two million dollars

in sponsorship. 2.3. Also, how many? I still, the story would be, sorry. No, no, go ahead. The story would be way more, if we were at your house. I was almost going to say like a normal podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the fact that you say we could have run this operation for a couple of years. Takes all of the pathos and relatability out of that story. No one cares that you lost 2.3 million dollars. Because you were wasting it on rent in this. And overhead from these employees that you, I mean, you need them. But you don't need them in this space.

We don't need easy parking and like a lot. If you were like, and we could be sending our kids to college. Send the story we care again. That's true. That's so true. We didn't even think about our children. Who told you to do this? Because it wasn't your idea.

To do what? This. This? I mean, it looks great. I mean, look, we have a new sponsor. You just like professional shit. Mortons is the new sponsor. Yeah, Mortons is doing it now.

That's why it looks like a steakhouse. Mortons paid for this now. They paid to pay off the McDonald's stuff. Okay, so you saw, I didn't even know this was an option. Yeah. We'll make our studio look like a Morton's. Yeah. And then you'll give us money?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they have Brussels sprouts with a bacon. And then they have asparagus with a vinaigrette. And they don't care that this guy is the lead-in to you talking about their meat-heavy menu. They give us way less money. Just so you know. But the lump crab cake is a great option.

Lump crab cake. Their scallops are to die for, the appetizer. Yep. Yep. But whose idea was that? I, no judge. No judge. Really?

Real judgment there. I'm curious. You guys were like, I want to do it like Rogan. Just an office, man. We wanted to move. You didn't want to do it. We didn't want to do it out of our home. That's the origin of this period, is get out of the house.

Because we had a home studio. When you want to get out of the house, what am I, your business manager? Yeah. Yes. I'm just saying, there are other options, other than having your own. Are you going to have other podcasts

that use this space and give you a kick? There's going to be other podcasts done over there. That are under your umbrella? Basically, yeah. That give you a kick? There's a little taste. There's a taste. There's like one of those.

They get the majority of it. I mean, you should get some of it because you're letting them record. But that's the whole swap of it. You have a production team. Yeah. But I don't want to do it out of my house or do it. But you could have rented a space,

like an already existing space. Somebody else's podcast space? Rent time in a podcast space. Yeah, but those are gross. Or just rent an office. This is an office. This is somewhere you could park. An airplane.

Like if I was looking for a place to park 12 cars, I would call you guys. There's three cars in the back of the seat. That's what I'm saying is there's so much room. But I just don't know the funny things of how I think. I'm thinking about renting a place next door too. Tell me everything because I find this interesting. You seem like, and I mean this with love.

Peace and love. Like a shlubby guy. Yeah. You know what I mean when you say Tom Segura? Shlubby guy. Like me, like look at this. I got fucking baby puke on this. Somebody told me I look like I run a bowling alley.

You look like you run a bowling alley. Meanwhile, you have a podcast and you were like, we need a studio. And a Lamborghini. You want a Lamborghini? No, he put the down payment on the Lamborghini with the McDonald's money. Let me tell you something.

Not only does no one care about you losing 2.3, now we're a little bit glad. But see, well I just tell everybody about the Lamborghini. We're not going to get it now because the money's gone. We're not going to get it. Yeah. What do you mean? You just don't want to get it.

I was just trying to secure one. So you could drive a Lamborghini. Oh, he loves it. He rented one just for fun. You drove around just being like, yep, if that guy who looks like a meatball sub got struck by lightning and became a comedian. Yes.

And you were like, I'm going to drive Bruce Wayne's car. I really like a meatball. That's why you love this guy. You're this guy going to get in the Lambo, shove the thing up your ass, eat a Whopper. You don't give a fuck. This is your spirit animal. Yes, you got it.

I think you got it. And I, by the way, go for it. Go with God. It's just so interesting that a guy that you look like you'd go sandler. You know what I mean? I just want to wear sweatpants and fucking sweat shirts all day. The most fun thing is to wear sweatpants

and a shirt with a stain on it. And get in the Lambo. And get in the Lambo or something. I couldn't get in the Lambo. First of all, I'm six foot six, but also. You are not that tall. That's one of the big lies out there. That's so funny.

Big lies out there. It's one of the big lies out there. That is so funny. I'll tell people right now. I'm on your Wikipedia page. I love this. People is five, 10 and a half. That is so funny.

Just for the record. So one of the big lies out there. That is the funniest take. That is the funniest take. All right, I'll be honest about it. I'll be honest, but I hate Lamborghinis. What do you mean? I'm really not a fan.

I don't understand. Aren't they the best? No, I just, I feel like it's a clown car. I could never. But no clowns could fit in the Lambo. I just don't like them. I think it's a clownish thing to drive. So why did you try to buy one?

I just thought it would be like a funny guy. How much is a Lamborghini? You can get, I mean, you can get in one for probably like two and a quarter. Like, you know, but, but like, you know, if you want to get like a nicer model, you're spending like 400, 400. I would spend that on a Ferrari though.

Tom, I'm so happy to learn this about you. I just didn't know. What was your dad like? He's got like six Ferraris. That's it. No, just kidding. I'm just kidding. He loves cars, but he never got anything crazy.

I wonder where you got it. You know what I mean? Like, I got my money back. He just seems so off-brand. What do you mean? I threw them 100 grand to hold this one car and then they give it back to me because I was like, I'm not going to get it.

Hey, if there's one thing I know about the Lamborghini people, they're decent salt of the earth. If you give them 100 G's just to hold a car. Yeah. Yeah, they'll give it back. They'll lend you some tools. They'll give you some milk.

Wait, what do you think about cars though? You don't like cars? I don't care about that. Really? What do you spend your money on? I wish I had that. Travel, like, and I don't mean traveling. In fact, I hate when people are like,

if I didn't have to work on travel, it's like, do some more thinking, Julie. You are a bore. Because women are dumb. I would have, I would have. Still got a game of color to make it a person and I see all equals, so I swear to Julie. Yeah, I know.

But I hate when people are like, I try. I don't mean that. I mean, I'm six foot six, so if I go to a gig now, you fly first class. That's a lot of money. Yeah. But not to you guys. I mean, you're giving 100 grand to hold a car.

That's true. It's easy money. But you guys like spending money. That's fun. No, we really don't. He likes spending money. I don't spend that. I don't spend crazy money.

I really don't. Have you not bought anything that you're like, wow, that's... I have a sauna, but that was $3,000 or something. You can buy a sauna. People can save up and buy a sauna. You didn't buy any jewelry or anything? Jewelry. I mean, I bought this.

Jewelry is a great investment. I got this Cuban linked diamond studded chain. I swear it was 35 grand and I've worn it once and I got it two years ago. I gotta say, man, for somebody who looks like he cooks grilled cheeses on part of the engine of the Winnebago, he's driving across country. I can't believe you're spending that.

First of all, you're doing it. I owe you just my hip hop, my whole life. You're doing it and you're talking about it. I kind of love it. Thank you. 35, if I spent $35,000 on a piece of jewelry. Jewelry. Just a made up thing.

Yeah. We'll go, it's precious. Yeah. Rupies all to fine. And you were like, okay. And anyone, not just your listeners, 35 grand would change their life. And you're like, I keep it in a drawer.

He does it all the time. Sneakers, 10 grand on sneakers, easy peasy. So here you are, buddy. With our McDonald's money. But now you gotta give it all back. Yeah, I mean, we had to give all the McDonald's money back. That's serious money, man. Yeah, but then you went to Morton's.

Yeah, Morton's. Morton's got the big potato. They got the free refills and the iced tea. The double stuffed. Yeah. They give you a big boy knife and the butter knife. The twice stuffed baked potato. The quarter house you can share for $105 for two people.

Yeah, I just. I like their French onion soup. I'm worried that you're behind the music and the making. Oh, don't say that. God damn it. You're going to scare my wife. Oh, fuck. Hold on a second.

I'm worried. I don't think it's going to happen. Hey, will you please show him the rest of Pete? We didn't even get to see the rest of it. No, thanks. No, thank you. Uncle Terry. Yeah, give me a sec.

I'll load it up. Give him 25 minutes to find it. Hard drive. It's our new system. And by the way, we don't want internet in case you're wondering. I like that. No, we choose to do the show this way. Now, let me ask you this.

How many things does Terry have going at once here? Is it there's the vibrating butt plug? I thought his name was Pete. It is Pete. We nicknamed him Terry. He just looks like a Terry. There's something else in his hand right now. He looks like a blip.

The sleeve. My name's blip. I'm going to try out the sleeve now. And like I said, I'm really kind of disappointed that this won't be vibrating too, but I think with this thing going off in my butt, it's going to be OK. And this has some really weird knobbies on the inside there.

Oops. It's dripping lube all over the place. What are you doing? It's not listening. Hoping in one hand. Dripping lube. Whoa. Wow.

It's pretty tight. I wasn't expecting that. You love it. Because it's earnest. Yeah, I do. Wow, that's tight. Yeah. Imagine being so impressed with yourself.

Oh, fuck it. Oh, fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Ah. Oh, oh. God damn it. Damn it. So I think that's what you call a ruined orgasm,

because I didn't want to come. And it felt really good. And that thing buzzing my butt just sent me off. I wasn't expecting it. So he came too quickly for the toy on his review thing, yeah, on his toy. And the toy is like, it happens to a lot of you. Oh, my bad.

That was supposed to be louder. Look, he loves biking. He's got printer paper. He's got a cat. He's an outdoorsman, for sure. I mean, he's got the body. I'm kind of feel like, I feel like Pete's the first guy that made me feel this ridiculous.

About what? I mean, about everything. What do you mean? What are you talking about? Like, he's like, what the fuck is up with this space? What's up with your jewelry? What's up with your cars? Who are you?

And I'm like, wait, what's going on? Well, I never thought of myself as a cheap person, but there isn't a part of you that's like, I hope this is interesting to the listeners. It is. You have a very popular podcast. Why not? Why not?

Why not keep some of that? Right. Right. Don't you realize we're playing pro ball? 04:00:02,140 --> 04:00:05,340 Like, our careers are in our salaries are inflated. Mike Brabiglia told me this. He was like, don't forget.

You start making a TV show. You start doing this. This is whatever. Don't forget your salary is inflated. Because your career as a as a time limit on it. Right. You know what I'm saying? So obviously you could do this for 10 years.

Radio is a little bit different from other things. But I just have this thing where I'm like, yeah, we're in the magical fruity kingdom. And that's and that's wonderful. Have some fruity pebbles. Some grapes off the tree. It's great. But I'm like, yeah.

At a certain point, people are going to be like, maybe we'll have moved on and we'll be glad that we didn't. What is this? H&R block? I don't know what's going on here. But you don't have that. You're like, there's no tomorrow. You're crusty the clown lighting a cigar

with the action comics. I don't think I am though. That's the thing. I don't think I am. I mean, with what with regard to what? What is the rent of this place? It's not a lot. How much?

It's not a lot. How much? I'm not telling you. I don't know what you think is a lot. It's a relative word. It's more than five. No. It's less than five.

Way less. OK. That's good. Yeah. It's a really nice space. Yeah. It's way less. Now I don't feel bad about you at all.

Yeah. I actually, when I saw this space, I was like, this is like we're looking at thousands and thousands. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now Nadab is not cheap. For that kind of service. Yeah. I sure hope I didn't make you feel ridiculous.

Oh, totally. But she does too. Yeah. You just basically voiced her looks. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's hilarious. Yeah.

Like you just picking up on that. Her going like this too. But the jewelry, which you can't really resell. Yeah. Are you going to buy more jewelry? I just ordered a custom piece. What's going on here? I think that what happened is.

Does Nadab have a cousin or something? Yeah. Yes, he does. Nadab has a cousin. Actually, he does. Well, let me get it. He knows a diamond guy? He really does.

I bet he does. You want to know what's something crazy? Should we say it or not? We shouldn't say it. I love whenever you wonder if you should say it. No. You should probably say it. The diamond thing.

No. Okay. Yeah. He put me in touch with someone. Hilarious. Yeah. Now we're all just like who is it? What is it?

So I got this thing. I'll just tell you. So I got this thing. Oh, my God. This is a funny show. I make sure that my children have college funds set up. Yeah. And that.

Yeah. Because once again. I'm making sure. Once they're out of college. Wait. How fucking conservative are you with money? That's just not my trip. That's not like.

What's not your trip? Like just like having cash. Just throw it down. What are you? You don't spend anything? I got a house. That's a fucking big purchase. No, it is.

Pay off the house. Have the house. Yeah. I bought my wife a car for Christmas. That was pretty big. Hey, okay. That's huge. Yeah.

How much was it? She needed a car. How much was it? It was, you know. Okay. It was a. HBO money. How dare you?

Was it over 50? It was around that. All right. That's a nice car. It's a nice car. Way nicer than mine. Mine's 30. Got my wife.

Nicer car. That's nice. Keep that in mind. I know. He doesn't. And I parked it at Moshe Cash's place. Kept it there. Secret Christmas.

Oh. And then I felt very Christmassy. And then I knew I had to get up in the middle of the night to park on the driveway. Put the bow on it. Like a 90s Lexus commercial. Those are awesome. Sweet.

So what I did was. This is some real genius shit. Yeah. I couldn't set an alarm. It would wake her up too. So I just drank a fuck ton of water. Really? Oh, that was.

That is actually really smart of you. I got up. I've never felt more Christmassy in my life. You weren't tired at all. Right. I wasn't tired. I was so excited. Yeah, that's awesome.

Our kid is too young to do the sort of Christmas stuff. And she also I kept telling her that I was. She knew what car she wanted. So I'm not something like weirdo. That's like I'll order for the lady. Like yeah. So she knew what it was. But I kept telling her I couldn't get it.

So at 3 a.m. got an Uber to Mocha's house. Oh my gosh. It was the best Uber. I was like, you're helping me be Santa Claus right now. It was like I was like his third fare ever. Got the car drove there. It was one of the best things ever. That's that's that's some good money spend there.

That is that's sweet. And now not to say yours is bad. These things give you joy. They make you feel happy. Yeah. I don't think I'm like doing anything really outright. I mean the jewelry is kind of crazy. I admit that.

I just don't buy into jewelry. You don't think it's just like stupid? It's fantasy stuff though. Who is fantasy? It's my fantasy because I grew up so so immersed and consumed by hip hop culture and music that I really wanted to be one of those guys. And so when I finally made enough money to buy something, I just bought the stuff that I saw them wear.

I know it's ridiculous. I don't I don't even think it's ridiculous. That's that that's what I'm using for a trip. I'm like that's your trip. That's right. It's like it's kind of ridiculous. You're like I'm going to do that. I don't think it is.

I mean it's a chain with my name on it and it's in diamonds, three different colors and it's got a thing of my beard around it. All diamonds. And would you wear it? That's the thing. That's what I'm struggling with. Because I bought the drive jacket too. You know what I mean?

Yeah. We're all like I'll get it. And then got the black one. I've never wore it. Gave it away. It's in a good will so. Really? Of course.

Yeah. That's the thing right. How much stuff do you need Tom? But how much what else? But the idea. I'm not that crazy right? I mean am I really that crazy with stuff? I just jewelry specifically where they're just like we're going

to call these metals more precious than others. You're right. It's a big mistake. I will tell you what when it starts to get. And this is just a psychological thing. When you look in the closet and you realize you're buying the same stuff over and over and you're not enjoying what you got. That's the stuff that you kind of go like yeah.

Yeah but I'm saying that's not problematic. It's not like if you're like man you keep buying the sweatshirt. No I'm saying it's the psychology of it. Of what are you already enjoying. The hedonic treadmill. Yeah there you go. Well you know what hedonism is obviously it's enjoying the senses. And the hedonic treadmill is the idea that you'll just want the next thing

and the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. And it's not to say that you can't enjoy it. But there is an addictive quality to any sort of. I mean in a certain sense this guy is chasing the next amazing orgasm. Yeah he is. In the same way. And I want them to get it. That we're sort of chasing that feeling that you get sometimes.

You know what it is it's similar to drugs. Like for me I don't smoke a lot of pot barely ever. Yeah. But every time I do I'm like this isn't it. And I recently stopped drinking for recent for similar reasons. Was you were always looking for that one. You were chasing that one time that you were in fucking Montreal and you didn't plan it but it started to rain and you and your friend ducked in

some cafe and you realized you didn't have anything to do all day. Until like noon the next day. So you're like fuck it. Let's get martinis and the feeling of novelty and spontaneity gets blended and the feeling of travel gets mixed into the martinis. You know what I'm saying. Yes. But our stupid eight brains go martinis mean that feeling.

But the next time you have them you realize that it was a cacophony. It was a mosaic of feelings that we're chasing. And that's how I feel about weed. I smoke weed and I'm like it makes me happy. It makes me silly. Or even coffee makes me my mood elevate. Does it or was your mood just there and you were too tired to even notice and that kind of woke you up a little bit.

Like nothing is you just made so much sense to me. They guess what I'm doing right now. What I'm canceling the order on that piece of jewelry right now. Wow. Thanks. Because I feel like it's just silly. And my kid can go to private school a little more year. Well what's more interesting is what actually does give fulfillment.

Anybody can come and say we're addicted to our phones or we're on the Hedonic treadmill or we're all chasing the next high. But unfortunately like it's sometimes harder to get a handle on what. I'm sure your family makes you really happy. Yeah. Yeah. Not my family of origin but my children. Clearly.

04:07:55,900 --> 04:07:56,780 Same hashtag. Same. Talking with people like I'm very happy right now. Yeah. Because I'm seeing you guys. I'm talking with you guys. Sure.

That's what I think is really interesting about podcasting is that like we've gone so far into the future that we've just circled back where like what did people like the fucking 1600s do. They just sat around. Yes. And talking shit. Isn't that interesting. And that's what we're doing.

We've recorded it and I understand people share it and they're listening and they're a part of it in their way. But like we're doing the same thing our ancestors did. And the same things the same basic things make us happy. It's like being with other people is a big one. I'm getting this from the movie Happy by the way. Yeah. It's a great documentary.

Being with other people is a huge one. Communal things. Eating with other people. Yeah. Hugely important. I can make fun of McDonald's but actually that is one of the services they offer especially lower income people. McDonald's gives people sometimes a place to like gather.

Jesus Christ. And it just could have been so great. Keep going. Mortons. Mortons is also a place. There you go. There you go. But also fuck McDonald's because they're poisoning those people.

Thank you. And addicting them to those foods with chemicals. But you're still welcome back if we can figure it out. I love that. The other thing and I think you guys are both going to like this. That's key to happiness is flow is something that takes you outside of time. Yes. So they actually interviewed people that are like fry cooks like on a line in a busy Manhattan

restaurant. Very happy people because they'd have like not all of them obviously but they'd have like four hours three hours of a rush during the day where they're getting outside of our minds. You talk to standups one of the first things we say we like about standup is that time disappears. Yeah. And you disappear. You disappear and the audience disappears and it becomes a show. Yes.

This is timeless space. So you're kind of getting the best of both worlds. It's not as shallow as being like they heard me and they left and I'm king big. Yeah. Which is so they always reduce it to that and documentaries of comedians. I agree. They're chasing the high of the laugh. It's like it's a little bit more complicated.

Absolutely. Some of them are and you can tell who those people are. 04:09:54,940 --> 04:09:54,940 04:09:54,940 --> 04:09:55,420 Yeah. And then there are others that are like wow I was really just locked in a moment. And part of something you feel like you're connected more. Absolutely.

And you do feel like I don't know. I think like after a great show especially you're like that was for you. You're like that was an experience. That's right. Yeah. You know. And a timeless one. Yeah.

And then it's weird because it is so ego driven but you sort of lose the sense of Pete. It becomes like we're here. Doing the same thing together. So one of the reasons why it's not as effective on TV. No. It's really it's about the live show. It's like Avatar. Remember in Avatar where they're holding hands over the tree.

We crave that sort of stuff. It's fine. We can either resist that or just be like look we're stuck in these embarrassing meat puppets and there's certain things that make us feel good. The thing that I'm talking about with jewelry and stuff is like when our behavior is being given to us by someone else's story of success. You know what I'm saying. A narrative was sold to us.

Whether it is alcohol or food or jewelry or a new car. I know I just bought a new car. And there is some joy to be found in those things. But like we need to be making sure that we're writing our story. You know what I mean. Not just going like well this is what they told us it was. Because guess what. As someone who's had all my dreams come true.

I'll tell you get there and you're still fucking there. Yeah. And you got to find it. You got to find it with your friends. You got to find it with your family. What do you do to to make yourself you know find it more. It's what we're talking about. Just by just by deeply connecting with other people in a sincere way.

And that's why we were joking about publicists and stuff. It does kind of bother me to think that you're paying somebody to love you. This is this is a who wrote fucking blanking on his name. And the name of the book who wrote infinite jest. Somebody listening is going nuts right now. Anyway it'll come to me. He was talking about once we get to the place where we can have three dimensional Internet virtual reality pornography.

It'll basically be Wally. Remember Wally. I didn't see that movie. We're just going to be blobs. Oh screens getting all of your senses met. Every every inch that you have will be scratched. So you want to fuck Tyra Banks. You can do it.

We have the equipment now. You'll do it. It'll fool. We're basically there. Right. We're pretty much there. But here's the rub. It's the same with McDonald's.

It's the same with pornography. And it's the same with the jewelry that you bought. You're having these things met by people who don't love you. That's that's what's fucked up. Right. So we're paying for something that not only should be free but only actually occurs when it's free. You know what I'm saying.

If your wife makes you a sandwich or you make a kid a sandwich there really is something going on there. There's intention and there's a drive behind it that's pure. And what we're losing touch with as human beings is yeah I can have I'm wealthy enough. I'm very fortunate to have Grubhub bring me every fucking meal. I want Ty for lunch and I want fucking Morton's for dinner. I'll have him bring it to me and I can do this infinitely.

You know or I could make some boring ass pasta dish. I don't know how to cook a lot of things which is what I made my wife last night. That is the better choice. I'm doing it. You know this. We know this. Right.

It's it's the same part of you that's like you're feeling depressed. Go for a hike. Go for a walk even if I know you don't want to. You need to realize that you're negotiating with an ape and you have to rise above it. And also to in this I mean the hedonic thing you're also chasing the next high right.

It's also the fear of the space in between. Of feeling like have you read the subtle art of not giving a fuck. Yeah. And he talks about that like hey life is kind of suffering something you know what I mean. It is kind of going through this stuff and we're so afraid of that quiet moment

in between the next fun thing. What am I going to eat. What am I going to do. Like we're constantly looking for that next fix. Well obviously exhausting. That book is a little bit about Buddhism. It's basically it is. Yeah.

Buddhist book. And for me enlightenment if you want to talk about that this on your mom's house we could. I might have a fart that I can bring in. We can get it. Enlighten up baby. But this is actually it's not too philosophical not too heady and certainly not religious.

No it's great. There's something that that I practice which is you're trying to be. Enlightenment to me means happy for no reason. And there in my experience you can. Every story is a guy sitting on a box. Every spiritual story is a guy sitting on a box and he's begging for change.

And finally one guy goes hey what's in the box. He goes you know I never looked in the box. He's like you should look in the box. The guy walks away beggar looks in the box is filled with gold right. That's every story. You go on a journey looking for a diamond only to realize it was sewn into the lighting

of your jacket the whole time. This is every movie. Right. This is the human story. So why do we why do we love that story and why does that story keep being told. It's because and I'm starting I'm 39 years old I'm finally starting is finally starting to think in

that there is something to enjoy just in the moment just in the phenomenon of being conscious and you can call that conscious a piece of God or whatever you want to say it doesn't matter what symbol system you use. But when you go just this just right now is a fucking trip and even the suffering is fucking wild. Yeah it's a miracle you should even be here.

But and there's a way to intellectualize that that's exhausting where I go like wow coffee is a fucking miracle that's exhausting that's head stuff. It's about being in a heart place where you're just not thinking where you're letting it shut off and you're just going like I was in the shower here's a simple one it's in the shower this morning you go this could be your last shower we don't know.

I could fucking die and that sounds more but there's something when you go this could be my last shower you feel the water on your skin and you smell the soap and there's something and you see the sun coming through the window and the speck of dust that's caught in it and how it looks like our universe and that's not thinking that looks like our universe that's feeling it yeah that's true happiness it's not to

say better or worse it's just to me happy for no reason is a better way to yeah and putting a vibrating butt plug in that's it and your fucks leave yeah and having your cat watch you and we can laugh at that we could also laugh at that because it's fucking crazy let's not deny what we're also doing here I'm also sure I'm horny and I'm watching fucking weird milk porn and shit just like everybody we're all in the slog yeah but what the subtle art of not giving

a fuck is kind of talking about is the idea of non attachment even this fucking conundrum you know you think you have free will skip breakfast lunch and dinner for two days and then have a lot of coffee you know what I mean like it's embarrassing that we're stuck in these but we can have compassion and this is true this idea for yourself you can have compassion for the part of you that even recognizes the part of you that wants to buy jewelry it's

okay yeah but there's also a lightness that we can go about this thing you go it's it's also like it's it's when you go I really truly are you accept that there's versions of yourself yeah aren't like perfect in a one and then when you accept it is when you actually feel cool and enlightened and that's right and happy about it I had this thing like a week or two ago just felt I think it's kind of like the moment you're describing where I just felt

extreme gratitude for my life just like my whole life I remember this day and I've been waiting for this moment you know it I think we're just together no I just you know I just feel like I just felt extremely like thankful for my life for my wife for my children for just the life that I get to live that I get to do this for a living like Jesus peace yeah my Jesus peace all of it and I just was overwhelmed here honestly by thinking of the like feeling

the gratitude and just thinking of it yeah all I did was tell my spouse about it felt extremely like just happy just so overjoyed yeah I expressed my gratitude a lot of like times it's it's our alcoholics and our addicts that know the benefit of a gratitude list yeah but that is absolutely one of the keys to happiness physical activity human contact flow and gratitude and it and you know what it doesn't even have to be fancy stuff yeah I go on a hike there's three

there's three phases of the hike one is a gratitude list so let's say it's a 15 minute walk yeah the first five minutes you just think about what you're grateful for and and you basically it doesn't have to be fancy you can be like I'm grateful for my hands yes it can be some bullshit yeah sure I'm grateful for having a car that already has a car I'm grateful that I have a place to sleep I'm grateful for food then if you run out of stuff think about the people that

you're grateful for believe me this is way more than five minutes where the second five I'm trying to think it's been a while since I did this because honestly it's the first one that matters the the first the next five is you think about how you want your day to go you usually do this in the morning and it makes a huge difference I care oh yeah I believe that the first five is affirmations yeah yeah if you let the mind take you your whole day is fucked that's what I'm saying take

your mind that's what I'm saying but that is real happiness what you're saying and and this is a this is a mystical idea is the idea of not identifying with the mind yeah that is because it's a motherfucker if you wanted to boil down all of spirituality into something that's actually practical that doesn't require you to believe anything I don't give a fuck if you believe in God who gives a fuck what are we talking about you're wasting my time let's

talk about something real it's not identifying with your brain it's identifying with the part of you that's listening to your brain my last special dirty clean I did a bit about this where I had people sing a song in their head I'm like who's hearing that that's kind of a nudge towards you could call it soul consciousness or just basic awareness just the idea that who you are is really the thing that's hearing the thoughts and the more I used to like as a Christian I would

want peace to exist in my mind I'd want it to exist in my ego and then I realized through meditation all these different practices you you want to identify with the part that's impartial unborn and just watching that sort of stuff that's where peace was hiding it wasn't hiding in thoughts like please give me please please help me calm down no it was it was witnessing who's noticing the lack of peace it's fucking basic and when you got into that hour

that's it and anyone can get there you don't have to meditate you can slip into that space at any moment that you want when you're having too many thoughts you go who's noticing the thoughts that's that's the summation of thousands of years yes weird mystical writings that Gandalf can pour over you are so insightful I'm serious bright articulate I mean this guy he's really surprising I didn't think I know so great you're delightful you are are you

wrapping up we are we are we do we've uh we've spent a lot of time I'm so can I say this on here yeah I had crashing coming out and my special come out really we're here to promote crashing yeah that is something I'm grateful for that I could reach out you have this wonderful popular show I know I give you a hard time for renting a space I know it's all good love this love the show love that you have a that this is working for you guys and the fact that Nadav and

everybody bent over to make this happen that means a lot and that's what crashing is about but when we have that in our community then we're hanging out with the right people that's right you know I mean no it's not the other people that ago he fucking stole my essence yeah yes agreed agreed Sunday's Sunday's on HBO 10 PM don't look at the graphic on Pete's Twitter page it is Sundays that publicist to update that I'm glad I'm I'm I'm thankful I

want to give show gratitude for all of you to everybody but McDonald's and dude go to Burger King true we're gonna try Wendy's you might be wearing little king hats next week yeah but king hats crowns paul if Tom that's his joke oh is it yeah that he worked in a hat store paul if Tom can say he worked in a hat store someone's like let me get that let me get that king hat he's like you know what it's called the crown it's crap king hat royale I heard it though I got it it's it's a

king hat to the king it's the king it's the king this is a home here now by grass king sums and again thank you very much thanks I don't know what that is I really don't know what that is but um it was a lot of fun man thank you for coming thanks for having me means a lot you black guys who love to fuck and fuck you're a hot black guy you want to fuck me in 2395 if you want to move in you can move in

but you better fuck me but you better fuck me in front of your homeless dog in front of your homeless dog in front of your homeless dog but you better fuck me but you better fuck me I'm with you for a long time I Hurt πουhr I'm with you for a long time

I'm with you for a long time I'm with you for a longer time I'm with you I'm with you for a long time It's on you It's on you Turn out Turn out

It's on you It's on you Turn out Turn out there I'm with you