Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 488-Bert Kreischer-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 27, 2019

We had a construction team lay a new foundation in our studio so that our latest guest could be dropped in via crane. Bert KKKreischer, the notable, shirtless comedian and podcaster stops by with PLENTY of drinks for a sizeable party (but it's just him drinking).  Lets be clear about something, BERT is NOT a NAZI. That doesn't stop us from having a blast with our dear friend. Every time Bert stops by we make memories that will last a lifetime.  Be sure to watch Bert's specials, Secret Time and now The Machine both available on NETFLIX. 

Oh Is that the one that tycoons at me I Feel like it is Well, I hope it is tycoons. Thanks very much if it wasn't you thanks to whoever else did it Gene, where are you gonna be? February 28th through March 2nd Madison, Wisconsin at the come on your comedy club on state April 4th through 6th Minneapolis, Minnesota at the Acme me Acme me comedy club May 10th and 11th tempi, Arizona at the temp temp on improv May 31st through June 1st

sperm bank, California at Flappers and then June 20th through 22nd Washington dick come at the dick come improv tickets at Christina P on line All right, Jeanese. I'm going to be Where I'm in Tampa You probably still get in those shows are sold out You could probably still get into the hard rock at the Seminole hard rock in Hollywood, Florida This March 9th, and then I'm in Portland, Maine Red Bank, New Jersey

Long Island and New Haven, Connecticut. I think New Haven is the only one with tickets left March 30th From there Madison, Wisconsin myself two shows still tickets available to the late show Milwaukee Mara April 12 late show as tickets and then Nashville April 14th late show with tickets there Let's see. They added a show in Medford at the Chevalier April 28th You can get tickets to the late show there all available at tomcigura.com slash tour Check it out. Try it out. Try it out. Try it out, mom

Thanks guys Thanks, Jean. Oh, Jean. We are very excited about today. Oh we had to pour new cement slabs under the studio and We are gonna have a lot of fun with my dear friend and your dear friend Brent Coastler's burnt Chrisler Burt KKK Christler Interesting twist to his career, huh? Yeah It's gonna be a lot of fun. All right, let's kick off this show. Let's get this party started

Alexa, what do you look for in a man? Black guys who love good if you're a hot black guy, and you want to me at 23 95 If you want to move then you can move in but you got to me. I I need to be a lot man Free food free rent and everything else man Here's the deal man men from jail Homeless or if you're thug you want to come move in your friend can move into Hey rent you give a lease and a key me this on me beat me home here now If you see me and you want to come over today and try it out try it out

If you're in my building try it out if you want to piss on me Serious reply just me I'm looking for hardcore guys and mean it and want to do it and I want it delivered I'm a hot white trash cool dump Let's I Thought we were just doing a little teaser I didn't realize we're gonna get the whole Speech on that. I like it. I thought it was just like

Well, I like Alexa saying it And especially with the emotion taken out of it you really get You really get to understand how crazy that guy is yeah, and how absurd their the speech actually is oh, yeah with all the emotion Yeah No emotion. No just on a verbal like on the page level. We're like well this guy's really out of his fucking be like reading the Cot like if you're reading a script and being like yeah, hmm I'm not sure what choice to make it's pretty amazing. I don't know who did that. Do you know who? Put that together. I'll look it up. Okay. Yeah, we should probably I didn't know you could train Alexa to turn your lights on and off too

What was that all about? Yeah, Tom as a heart heart dick Nick or whatever his fucking name is hard Hard shits Nick hard shits Nick. Yeah taking glass dumps. Yeah, he was really something right? Yeah, man Try it out. Try it out man right out your episode. It's something beat me. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm home here now It's an episode. Oh, man. Oh, do you know I think about him the tryout guy What yeah, I think about him like once a week. You should think about him. Yeah, what's that? That's home here now. Oh, I'm here now. Oh, yeah. Yeah Hold me on out. Yeah, some people think it's that I think it's home here now. Yeah, home. I'm home here now

I'm home here now. Yeah, I'm home here now But I think about him every now and then and I you know what I really think about is How he's managed to be this internet famous and he hasn't reached out to us or like Somebody in his life has got to have heard it at some point and been like hey Do you know that you're on this podcast and these people are like talking about this video you made and he's like, oh, yeah I kind of fucked up. That was silly. Like what do you think his reaction? Oh god would be I don't think he has it together in any way What so ever home here now guy is not

His life is not like oh, yeah, I finally pulled it together and I can reflect back He's getting pissed on and beat on right now But that's what I wonder too is do you think his dreams came true did he get what he wants? Yeah in some way Yeah, I don't think someone moved in did he but I think I think someone there's probably a couple of UPS guys But like yeah, I've been in that building Do you think you found a black guy? Yeah, who likes to fuck who likes to fuck it? Oh, yeah Yeah, black guys at a jail that has to be the craziest video besides Terry, but even Terry is of sound mind He's just an exhibitionist

Yeah, Scottie Kay did the Alexa clip. So thank you Scottie Kay for submitting that opening You got a real Yeah, so a couple weeks back I shared a bold confession with Eugene Yeah, a confession. I shared for the first time on this See that guy's lucid though that guy's just having a good day. Yeah, that's true. He's not came too fast I feel like the other guy The try it out guy he's trying to improve his life Yeah, he's looking for the answer and the answer is black guys. Yeah, who liked to fucking fuck good. Yeah. Yeah, you know

What was your big confession? Oh, so my big confession a couple weeks back is what I'll remember was why a major exclusive That I had my very first liquid shirt ever yeah ever in my life. That was a big deal Yeah, and so interestingly enough this last weekend. I ordered the same exact meal that produced the first shirt Yeah, and what it is I order from a company called pizza rev and I get the cauliflower crust pizza And I order all the meat toppings on there. I get two types of pepperoni spicy and regular I get the Italian sausage and garlic and What I noticed was because I ate the same thing this time halfway through my meal I thought I think it might be the garlic that's giving me diarrhea

Yeah, and I took off the garlic and low and behold. Yes, I had runny dumps the next day But it wasn't bad it wasn't as bad as it was before and I think it's because of the garlic That's my my hypothesis. Sure. What are you thinking? I think it's really neat. I had a Shart scare you're kidding in Washington a scare or a legit shark. Well, here's what happened So well, I'm on the bus. We're about to get off the bus to go into the theater. I'm I Fart like I'm gonna rip at this far right now. Yeah, and I'm like that's more than a fart And I panic you don't shit on the bus so I learned like shuffle over to the theater

I dropped trow and I realized I don't see anything in the underwear But thank God, but like I don't check my butt cheeks. I just sit on a toilet Let a disaster come out. Yeah, here's the thing I I start having like a couple other loose ones after that. Yeah, fuck and this is like an hour before the show the first show So I asked him for Pepto. I just drink some Pepto drink a little soda You know, I try to yeah, and then I'm okay. I do the first show. I forget about it. I forget about it Then I'm in the Green room with Jeff Tate and I go check this shit out

Fart and I feel the same thing. I'm like Because I forgot Sketchy asshole. Oh, yeah And so that's scary when you forget and then like a little more comes out and again, I got lucky with the underwear I didn't get any underwear, but yeah, I was it was definitely and I think I couldn't figure out what it was You know, you didn't what it's probably just a road week because you were on a lot of different cities That'll do it just back to you it because I often forgot about my shark, too And I would fart in the kitchen again. Oh, I better not now

I don't want to I'm not gonna write out who in this office, but Somebody here also had a shark. They would prefer to their identity. Yeah, there's a lot of charters here and It occurred to me that because there's so much happening. It's kind of a short week here. It is short week. Yeah. Yeah, it's rare There's a guest coming in who I'm sure has If you told me to bet on it, I'd be like a million dollars Let's ask him when he comes in how many sharts he's ever had Well, should we get into who's here and what what we've been talking about? Of course, man We have the great

Bert Kreischer is gonna be joining us here Very funny very funny Also very fat as we all know and very racist and we've been looking at pictures of him Oh my god, that's him at the store Jean. That's him at the comedy store doing the main room He's shirtless in the main room like yesterday or the day before it too. Oh That is not His belly is so distended and swollen like an African child starving All right

Boy, that's that's a big Saturday. No Sunday. I think at the last or like a week ago at the in Vegas Posted that I was like Jesus He's so fat. Now. Do you think Bernice better now than he was before you guys weight loss competition? Close It's close. It's not good. Whatever it is. You know, it's crazy though about his body You can tell that he's meant to have like a rad body because do you see like his cut lines? Do you know I'm saying like his hip? It's weird because he still has like

He doesn't wear underwear. Yeah He never does because he has that sensory basically looking at a naked guy with a cloth. Yeah Yeah, but you see what I'm saying that he's got that hip bone. Yeah. Yeah, like Ryan Gosling has that Mm-hmm. You should tell him that Look at that guy in the front row arm folded. Yeah, he's like this guy's disgusting Hey, just sit here He's fat, too. He's like who's fatter So we we were looking at like who because we remember what this all started the whole fashion

Anything started when we were talking about that he kind of looks like Gerard de Bardot, right? Yeah, because he had he had like naked scenes. Yeah in this movie He has a new look now, and I think he looks more like these guys like there's Dennis Hoff that kind of has a bird's vibe. Well, here's here's why though. It's cuz Bert's face is getting redder Yeah, redder and rounder. Yeah, it looks like I'm right there. I think he really looks like like this guy in that There's this other this other guy that's burnt a hundred percent the smile, you know, like the energy Yeah, and the essence. Yeah, I feel like you put a beard on that guy. That's Bert. That is Bert

Yeah, who's he with? Well, who's that he with an author? You don't know who that is. That's JK Rowling. She wrote the Potter series Pulitzer prize If somebody could put Bert's head on that photo, that would be great Too bad TMZ hasn't caught on and they're not covering it in detail My favorite to this day Sopranos, I mean, I love that show. He's so talented this dude god damn it When do you think Bert's gonna die? Oh Jesus don't go there. I mean Well, no, I mean, let's be realistic here. It's my friend. I don't want him to he's my friend, too

And I care about him and that's why I'm being a little harsh because I want three years Just like that, huh Just like that. Yeah, cuz here's the deal man. Here's what I'm thinking Yeah, this new bus life that he's embarked on yeah has probably made it a lot easier to party we we've gotten into it Yeah, you know what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he told me he's like we Got a grill for his bus. I think a grill company gave him one He's like we smoke meats and we drink until like four every night. Oh I

Love him so much and I I don't you know, I don't want it to lose him. Obviously, of course that It's not up to us you can only try so many times, you know, you can't it's up to him Why you chuckle heads laughing? I don't know why Are you laughing at blue van? I don't know. What's going on? What's going on? You just get me. Oh, yeah. Oh stop Should we should we go ahead and take a break? Yeah, let's get out. He's not taking a shit in our bathroom Let's ask him about those shirts. We will in just a moment We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break Give it up for the fattest and most racist comedian working today

Bert Kreicher. All right Intro I can't wait to see what what moniker I add on to that today You get a lot of comments like that. Oh, yeah, there's so much fun. There's so much fun. This is the most fucking exhausting because You have no idea because you ever have people like like your dad or your wife going why are people saying you're right? My agents Promoters yes, everyone has said hey, man. We're gonna a lot of feedback that you're racist And is that what you bring to the show? I don't know not at all

Is my fucking dickhead friend Tom started it as a lark and I fucking hit it out of the park Yeah, it's do with the body shots world tour no blacks allowed Wow, that's I did not make that that's not sanctioned crazy. I know there's been this whole podcast just going okay That's not real do as awful as wins when the people comment on it in the comment section Yeah, oh, but this is all right. You're such a fat racist fuck And then and then new fans that have just found me from Netflix defend me Yeah, they're like he's a good guy. It's a joke and there's no racist joke air I don't even have a racist joke in my act. Yeah, and there's nothing there and they're like it's jokes

If you can't learn how to take a joke. He makes fun of everyone equally. I'm like, I'm not thinking about anybody It's a picture of my daughter Fucking And they yell it out it shows your racist and people goes we all are I'm like shut the fuck up It's been fucking exhausting I even have a joke in my act now where I go. I just had a baby and I'm fatter than Burt Chrysler and the place just lit light up Great, I'd like to keep it in a special if I may I get I still I mean every every city everywhere People yell shit for it fuck bird. I like your tour bus. I'm like, all right

But here's pictures though, so here's my picture. Wait, I want to see a picture of this tour bus and not the outside That was the funniest fucking I never saw that one Jesus is that birds tour bus or yours? Oh my god. So I took a picture in front of my I did retweet that. Yeah. Oh I guess I did see it Didn't see that one asked photoshop to make it more sad Cuz your body language was so sad dude, the best one was the Rogaine one that was a good one Well, I got a bus. Oh look McDonald's. Did you hear we lost our McDonald's sponsorship? So bummed. I would love. Yeah, I love taco in a cheeseburger

What what it's when you take half the bun off and just taco up a cheeseburger. Oh, yeah, it's healthy way to eat it You have all these health secrets On a Sunday on a Sunday night at 4 p.m. Take his annex, okay? Okay, then he chase it with a double Cheetos and soda you go to bed without dinner you wake up Monday skinny And if it's president's day you take an ambient first thing when you wake up Monday And you sleep off Monday, and then at that night you've had no calories. It's two days Oh, the bike will burn crazier such good advice most doctors What the fuck is this? What are you doing here? Can we see this?

It's outside of this truck currently like nine hours Just couldn't get up, and I can't ask my dad to get me up as to where I need him to help me do Oh my god, they put hang on stop. They put my face. I didn't realize what was happening I was like wait that looks like me, but that doesn't sound like me They put my face on the 600-pound life guy. Yeah, that's fucking genie No parent wants to be doing when you're in your 30s or whatever. It looks like I had a stroke It looks it looks You know what's interesting is that the hands the arms match actually yeah, how he gestures

I would say like the way that your face Like like that that expression on your face is perfect perfect. Yeah, it's a lot of how it's pretty accurate Yeah, especially that big right nut he has Do you have a big right one? I have one that's big Starting to get a foopa. Yeah. Oh before we move any further This is a fart mic if you have to fart go ahead and let us know and we'll hand it over the way my body's reacting I'll probably shit my pants. Oh Interesting your mom's house exclusive. Yeah, because this is shard week and we were gonna ask you if you have any excellent

Sharded on my bus over the weekend. I sharded in bed with Leanne yesterday No pants on sharded onto the sheets and then had to run You know like tippy-toe it into the bathroom and then just rifled it out Hold on I was I was vegan for a while Describe a while everyone has this kind of subjective roughly three days. Okay Roughly three days with a few cheap meals That's a good run. I didn't know

The health book you're writing. No, we were I was drunk at an airport sound like you're gonna vomit right now I was drunk at an airport fucking sweating now Yeah, I was drunk at an airport and I was like I bet I could go fucking vegan and they're like you couldn't go vegan I go. Yeah, I can do but everything I put my mind to yeah, and so We get on the plane and I'm like fucking I'm going vegan. I'm gonna lose some weight go vegan So I'm drinking a double tea dose of soda. She brings me a beer with it and Then lunch comes around and I go what do you have meat and pasta? I go is there any cheese on the pasta and she goes no

I says there's any meat on the pasta. She was no I saw go with the pasta So the guy next to me is kind of watching me. He gets the meat and we start eating and he goes Hey, man, what are you like allergic to cheese? I go. No, I'm vegan and he goes really I said, yeah He goes, you know, there's egg and pasta right and I go I didn't know that He goes, how long have you been eating pasta? I go my whole life It goes and you call yourself vegan. This is what's wrong with you people and he starts fucking jumping into my lifestyle choice on an airplane I'll choice. Yeah, I don't know. I've only been vegan for like 45 minutes You don't tell him I just kept eating the pasta and then ordered an ice cream sundae

And how does this lead to a chart in bed with Leanne my my stomach? Okay, so after three days going vegan My stomach got really kind of not as toxic as it's been Like all my shits come out back of the bowl up under the toilet seat. I know you're tying up Yeah, he has to And like the ones where you got to wipe your legs because it flashes up. Yeah, is that what you get sometimes? Yeah and so But I mean that's like his regular morning, right? Yeah, that's that's like Tuesday. Yeah, it's not like a Monday morning shit right, it's Tuesday and so I go and I

I start I go right out of veganism into the veganism Rectech sent me a travel smoker So I go right into the out of veganism into a fucking brisket and it just fucked my stomach I'm time. Yeah, I just wolfed like like animal fat and all right after my Tampa show me and cowhead Dave Williamson just and Fez Watley sat back just eating brisket and then the next day I was just shitting like crazy. So then you meet up in Vegas and your wife goes there and you drink I'm sure we did bottomless mimosas when I landed Then did the show? Yeah, I did bottomless mimosas until like 4 o'clock once sleep at 4 o'clock show isn't until 10

Oh, wow. Yeah, and so but I my stomach was just wrecked and then the next morning we woke up I don't know what I ate or drank that night But the next morning woke up and I thought it was a fart and it just shit onto my butt cheeks And then had to carry it into the bathroom. Oh, yeah, like one like a what do you say like it like it? Well, like one of those egg spoon races in the What is it? Yeah, it was she didn't know she didn't know no I shit my pants right before I went on stage in Fort Lauderdale And my cameraman was following me and I shit my pants right before I went on stage

And then it was fire coming out of my ass fire, you know like you know when you eat spicy food your lips get hot Yeah, that was happening to my asshole. And so I shoved an ice cube up there and like a like a Suppository to cool it down, you know because I figured something was hot up there And then I couldn't get it out. I had to go on stage with an ice cube up my asshole It was literally dripping out of my asshole Wait, no, I know So you shit in your pants right before you go on stage in Fort Lauderdale and then my butt cheeks I didn't shit my pants. I shit my butt cheeks. Yeah, did you wipe it up? Oh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I clean it up before you perform or you perform the whole hour with shit in your butt No, but I have done that before. Oh my god. You're savage Dallas, Texas Cristella Alonzo is supposed to go and do 20 minutes and she could all can shoot you could do was like seven When this is a long time ago, and so she does seven minutes, and I'm shitting and I hear my name Couldn't I didn't even wipe I didn't even why I couldn't have time to wipe that's the worst I was like, oh, and I had to pour my shit in my pants the whole hour. Oh We're as is that I have the club. Oh now that we're talking about this in Kentucky in Louisville. No, I tell you what did I tell you before he came on?

We're talking about somebody said Do you think bird has short story? Well, I'll give I'll give you a million dollars. Yeah Lexine's in Kentucky at comedy off-stay off-Broadway, and I realized I had to take a shit in the middle of my No, I brought the comic up. I said someone put a timer on the clock I'm gonna bring the other comic up dusty slay. He's gonna do you count it off I'm gonna go run off stage shit and come back. I bet I can do this another two minutes I was back in a minute. Wow. How do you shit so fast? I push. Yeah, I push. I'm a big pusher I bet you push a little too hard a lot. Yeah, I push when I shit

It's about Ari's house. It's like a bouncer kicking out people out of a club at 2 a.m. Just let's go. Let's go Yeah, Ari's asshole is a fucking mess Of his shit. I've seen it on the internet. No, he also sends us. I don't want to see group text us pictures of His of toilet paper just soaked in blood. Oh my god. I just pulled this out of my ass. It's no good He's the reason I put an ice cream up my ass cuz he shoves wads plugs of toilet paper up his asshole to stop the blood from coming Yeah, he's like and we're like oh my goodness surgery. He's like yeah doctors. That's not really worth it So anyways later on I know doesn't really think it's worth. He's got a test school hanging out of his asshole Yeah, what like yeah, he's got a testicle like a hemorrhoid testicle

It's like a ball. It's a hemorrhoid, right? It's just a hemorrhoid, but it looks like a nasty It's like a fucksleeve. It's like he got railed for months and years in his asshole. He's got a pink sock. Yeah, just kind of that's Okay So wait you shit in a minute and 19 and you cleaned up though You know those ones when those ones happen. It's so easy to clean up just real quick spit on the toilet paper Wipe your ass That's what your dad does called a Mississippi wet wipe I do it a lot now

Well, I used to not do it And then you know we get like the fucking bidets at home. Yeah, they're just game changers Then you travel again, and you feel like what is it the 1400s? No wiping my ass with paper going from private school to fucking gen pop in a public Yeah, dude, it's like no. Yeah, you're like I'm better than this So then you start spitting on your pay it actually makes a big difference try it dry on your toilet paper Hold on, you know, let me tell you how to do it spit on your toilet paper right on your finger Where your finger is on the toilet paper, right? Right and I think and then just take it

It's just one wipe you're not going back and forth just one wipe gently to just kind of just get everything off like a cursory Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, then go dry then go one more spit and then dry I'm just I know I don't mind the wet idea, but why spit can't you just reach to the sink like if you're not how it's It's the same reason you don't use water when you jack off you spit in your hand and jack off You know, or you know, I mean right right it's spit is got a little more lubrication to it a little more Viscosity so when it rubs past your ass, it's nice. He kind of knows what he's talking about I've been spitting on my toilet paper for years. Do you think Leanne is still sexually attracted to you? Very certain about that. No, no, do you think she sees you as like a nice guy?

Cash cow Like a rods agents. They're like, I don't care if he's a steroids. Have you seen my fucking new She's just like what are you leaving again? Bye-bye now like going like she did she get like a platinum car? She's like this is kind of fun. Yeah shopping now, you know, she's doing what I'll tell you right now I love it looking at houses. Yeah Looking at houses great. Just I mean just The the fucking modest woman you met yeah fucking 15 years ago. You wouldn't unrecognizable Unrecognizable my favorite good for her. She deserves it. She that new truck we got she was not wanted to get it

I was too expensive. It's so silly and then she got it. No, she goes. This is my favorite thing We've ever owned ever I love it I really feel like I'm driving around in luxury and I'm driving so much picking up George at softball and I let school play Practice one night. She goes she goes this makes me feel like driving is not that bad. I go you should get treats in life That's why I understand I've been trying to work this bit out my life in my act and I can't figure it out Maybe people don't relate to the way my brain works But if you don't have treats in life then what life's not worth living like I don't understand a guy that lives Treat list that they just go well you're your treats all day though. Yeah, but that's you have constant treats

But and I have a low threshold for reward. I'll give you that but but guys who deserve treats that don't get them Yeah, what's the point? Yeah, like like I used to think and if you can afford it That's the caveat if you can afford it get the treat if you can't afford it Don't get the fucking treat and it's almost just it's just making your treats onto like a on on like Asciting scale before I've been treating myself my whole life I have I like I said, I definitely think I earned treats when I don't earn them But my treats have never they haven't like gotten outrageous. It's just like a new car Like why not have a new car with a car that was 10 years old and was breaking down like they have broke down on Ventura

I go what the fuck we can't afford a new car. Yeah, let's treat ourselves. Yeah, you know You deserve it Tommy's captain treat over here. Oh, he's taught by placing I'm more like Leanne where I grew up in the communist Cold War and I didn't treat myself to shit And he's taught me how to enjoy life Both of you taught me how to treat myself because Remember we were talking like I was like, I want to get the hands on they want to get something nice You know, oh Tommy just gets it for me. Yeah, he just made me like it. Yeah, and so in Vegas this weekend We're doing bottomless promos. There's like a mall by the Aria

And I go that's my treat that was my treat by the way was that Leanne's treat. No, she's sick She got sick from the mimosas shakes from them. Yeah And so we go to the thing and I just disappeared. I got myself a treat and I bought Leanne a treat You gotta tell the streets. Yeah, come on my treats silly. It's okay. It was a drunken treat. Okay. What was it? It's a Gucci fanny pack. That's the thing Awesome He got me one as a push present believe it or not for my second child It's such a silly item and then to get a designer silly

I wore it all through Vegas and I had I didn't fill with all my merch cash. So it was like stacks of Great, so then I went to Tiffany's and I bought Leanne a necklace not super expensive by just a nice necklace. It's nice to you, man It's you soon. So I went. Oh, I like it. It's really nice. Oh, enjoy it. Good. Yeah, cuz you're gonna die one day You may as well enjoy, you know the benefits, right Tommy when we get in this house, man. Yeah, let's talk about it We looked at one. Yeah. Yeah, it was a little out of our price range, but I thought I thought, you know roll the dice on life now it would had had It was at the foot of Freyman Canyon. I can tell you that I should probably should Not on the internet. Yeah, it was at the foot of Freyman Canyon It had did not it was really nice. It was an old house. It was part of a compound

So all the houses around it. It was like it's secluded. You couldn't get that's cool But I won't matter. He'll put it on Instagram. Yeah, definitely. That's why we got a move I gotta get out of my fucking house now. Everyone knows what I fucking like. Oh, really? Yeah, how that happened Me describing things in my neighborhood on my podcast people are like a jack-in-the-box, huh? I think I figure out where you live You're crazy with that. I didn't I was before we knew that anyone listen to these fucking things. Yeah, I just Overshared I've overshared way too much in my life Like that's where you guys have done a really smart job And I poor poor George and Isla didn't even ask and I talked about their periods on

Conan yeah, yeah, that's funny though. I love the period party you described those lovely imagine if you're island You got to go to school the next day and it goes viral And they're like Jason, huh? You named your period Jason. She's like, I don't know who you are Yeah, poor girls Yeah, we made fun of my tour bus. Yeah, you know and my picture with my tour bus. Yeah, what about The Body Shots World Tour Hitler did nothing wrong Geez

Who does the voiceover for you that's my guy Jake. He's great. He's a really good voiceover artist He is too bad. It's all anti me. No, no, no, he's got some other stuff. Oh Yeah, that's great if you're listening that's just That was just Burt on a Nazi train Just to be clear. Yeah of what we were oh Yeah, pull up what it was. Hang on. No hip-hop is hip-hop is yeah pull up the fun That's titled bird is a racist MP4. I'm dying to see this one. Let's see it in a bit Let's see what this is here

Cleveland I You're in there right there with them Wow What was he like not that bad really? Well very artistic, man, this is actually good footage. I know Impressive all right Oh

The Body Shots World Tour Hitler did nothing wrong Wow You got your whole logo on the side of the plane. Yeah, that's not bad You know wrong way had done that to his plane. So I feel like I'm a good company. Yeah, that's pretty cool How much would you like to get a plane dude? Is that the next step? Almost got one to fly me home from Vegas yesterday, but it was $6,000 and I can't write my head I read my head around that. Yeah, like I was like I was like I thought it would be like I literally thought it'd be like two grand and I was like I could do that

I can I can just go like fuck it at a bad night at Xenox. I didn't gamble much. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I can't I don't know It's I'm never gonna be able to be able to do that. I don't think it's crazy. I don't like flying though either So that's the other no, I don't think so This bus life has really enabled your lifestyle choices. Dude. It's man I'm so much healthier on this fucking bus than I've ever been ever. Let's talk about it Uh, it's great because Here's what we know. I was trying to figure out like why I'm not getting hungover and I'm not getting fucking Super wasted at night

It's because you're going to the tour bus and drinking it's kind of like drinking at your house And so then you go I'm tired. I'm going to bed as opposed to what would normally happen on the road is you go You're at the club and then everyone ends up at a bar and then you're at a bar and everyone's like, all right We're gonna go and you're like one more we get one more And then you get well you go back to your place maybe open one there And for here you just get like you go I'm going back to my room and use go to sleep So I love it that are you sleeping better a sleep fucking amazing Yeah, I think we have I don't know what kind of mattress you have but it's one of those

Like fit your body like you your tempropedic like it's like kind of like a lisa mattress He's got one of those like it goes up and down on the tour bus Oh, yeah, me too and massage Me too, man He does not have one like that. Yeah, right next to his chocolate fountain. Yeah Do you have a chocolate fountain on your mouth? No, do you really not have two bathrooms though? No, we have two bathrooms. Okay. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck kind of No, do we do you shit in your tour bus? No, we don't sit in our tour bus

Can I tell you the invention I came up with you made an invention? Yep. It's called a toilet condom Okay, what you do. Oh, it's like a hot bag. Yeah. Yeah, you take it and you put it around the seat Yeah, and then it's got like a little like thing here, but you shit into this bag And so it's almost with a reservoir tip so you end up in the reservoir tip So then you can just bag it and throw it in the trash. Yeah. Yeah. I mean people do brilliant. Oh for real. Yeah. Yeah It's called hot bag. Hot bagging. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah, you're shitting the bag on the bus Or you can just buy like a two million dollar bus like brian reagan and then you can just shit on your bus Why is he because he has the state of the art like they have like a grinder and all types of yeah

Yeah, he shits on his bus. I would do a tour. I would do a tv show based on tour buses I'm obsessed with tour buses. I mean the really nice ones are really nice Like on like I think mine's probably low end Okay, so I have four different tour buses Yeah, because I didn't there's weeks where it doesn't make sense for like I'm when I'm doing tamp on lauderdale I'm like, I don't want a tour bus for that week. I did that. Um, yeah, I'm like, uh, I don't want a tour bus for this uh week where I have Portland main and then I have you just fly to Florida the next day or you're gonna drive

I don't know. I don't know yet. Oh see for me driving, uh, it makes it easier on my stomach Like I just I mean, I probably will that's a three Great tamp on a far far lauderdale. Yeah, you just get a splinter to take you there. Yeah. Yeah So what I'm saying is so those weeks don't like but then I have weeks where it definitely makes sense Because of the way those companies work. I was able to get like Quotes from different companies for all the different runs Compare them all and then I pulled the trigger on the nicest one For a couple runs, so I'm going to see what it's like what the difference is

Yeah for that bus that bus is state of the art though. Okay. I want to I might hop on your tour for that and just be on your bus But that bus is like it's way more than really. Yeah, then like the one I'm on Now the guy so the guy goes, uh You know when you like, you know, if you're at a restaurant and you might order something and you're like This doesn't I don't know if this is a this tastes right, but you'll second guess yourself because like I don't really complain about The way something tastes, you know, like you're like, I don't want to make a thing of it Yeah, right. So you go like and then you eat and you're like, no something something's wrong with this

So like on the one of the first like second night on this bus. I was like Man, I feel like it's fucking loud back here. Like really loud You know, yeah So then I'm like we were at the neck we're in the next city And he's like, how is it back there? And I was like Well, I gotta be honest, man. I I don't want to like complain about it, but It does seem pretty loud. He goes, yeah, they need a new transmission Dude

I go Like do you know this? He was like, oh, yeah, I told him, you know, and they uh They rotated the tires or he replaced the rear axle But she's got some miles on her and she really needs some work and I was like Jesus. So does this happen Soon or one second. I was like, he's like, I don't know I'm like, okay, and then it was like That he was like, hey, this water didn't really heat up. He's like, yeah, the plug came out

I told him soundbar also came detached and this tv is not working anymore. And I'm like, so when like Do I do I deal with this? He's like, yeah, just till it's fixed. Oh my god. Fuck that. I know, but I mean, you know At least at least you got wi-fi Then the wi-fi Everything broke down The guy here's the thing though, what a difference like a nice like great driver makes. Yeah, the guy's the best and You know, it's not like it's not That big like I fall asleep. I get up. We're in the next city. I'm like, I don't care, man

Yeah, you're sleeping anyways. Yeah, I'm like, it's not that big of a deal There's shit like Like when the soundbar did work on the tv, the soundbar was dope Like yeah, like you could watch movies and like I was I was digging that but for the most part this bus has been falling apart Dude, I and they'll fix it probably as I hop on that other bus You know, I want to see what is I wouldn't mind splurging in order to get mine I had to have it for the whole three months. Yeah, it makes sense

It's because I wanted to wrap it which might have been a miscalculation. No, wait, we let's talk about the wrap around it is So Joe said that to me last night he goes Because yeah, what's up with you fucking wrapping it and that kind of like I couldn't do that, man. I'm too low-key I go, yeah, I don't think I would do that again in the future Although I know I now will because it's dude It is literally people just knocking on the door at any hour. You gotta be shitting. What can I come in? It's weird. It's burden there. I'm like, yeah, he's sleeping. Can't wait wake him up

Do somebody uh all day every day know we're Doing these ridiculous posts to each other. Yeah, my bus was in dc. We'd driven through mind you Jersey Pittsburgh since he cleave in land in dc. It's filthy. Yeah, and they wrote tour bus champ on the dirt. Are you serious? hilarious the uh I getting the face on it the first night I realized it was like there's people waiting outside the bus and you're trying to get in the venue And I was like, oh, this is a horrible fucking idea And then knowing that people know that that's where you are

I I wasn't comfortable then By by the time we got to Tampa recently in Atlanta. I loved it I was like well started being like people were taking pictures of them outside the bus and I thought that was cool Like people would rip their shirts off and take pictures outside it and I was like, oh, that's awesome And then uh, you can never wear a shirt again. I know in your career Yeah, I mean you're gonna be hopefully 80 Years old and you're gonna have to be like the shirtless the geriatric comic guy. You're gonna have big ol soggy Mantis ladies and gentlemen

Main room that was yesterday comedy store. I think if I just did sit-ups Yeah, the booze has nothing to do with it. No the sit-ups And then where's your there's your uh, where's the one underneath it? That's your vegas picture Jesus christ, how many beards am I wearing? Do you know? You had the what's the shirt is that? What kind of shirt is that? It says uh gator belts patty melts alderados Monte Carlos and alderados is from the beginning is fresh so fresh and so clean. Oh, uh, it's your boy Big boy big boy is my buddy. That's your dog. I remember that. Yeah It's really cool. Everyone lighten him up with the m word anytime he comments on anything

Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, some people don't get the joke That's what kills me about it is like some people get the joke and it's funny Some people really don't have a sense of humor. It's like it's almost like watching Lenny from of my cement play with animals they're like And then you're just like, oh man, you're not doing this right at all The nuance of the whole thing someone painted a picture of outcast They're like, hey, I made this poster for your boss. And so I had to buy only place I have it is I have a big picture of outcast above my bed

That's weird. Very weird. Yeah. Yeah Um, do you have those pictures of like the lookalikes? So remember how we had Gerard de Bardu at one time? Do you think you kind of look like this guy? Yeah, no, you don't think you look like him? Baby blues just like yours. What about him in the white shirt though? Well, there's Gandalfine right there Not even remotely but like in the smile and like the energy not even close. No. No, but put a beard on him No Kind of have his build a little bit you right there. I do not

You look like that. Well, that was a week before he died. You don't feel like you look like that and I look like that Last night Annie Letterman goes, uh She touches my belly. She goes. Oh, yeah, that's right. I forgot you were fat She goes, but you're like hard fat. Tom's like a soft fat, right? No, he's a gentle fat. Yeah. Yeah I had Dennis off on my podcast. You did this is a long time ago. Did you really when it was just me? Doing all the audio and stuff. So I bring him in the podcast I start the podcast he brings a girl with him and the first thing he says is show him your pussy What on my couch like she like took her pussy out on my couch and I'm like, I don't let her couch like

Yeah, fucking ruin the leather. You know, that's Nikki Haley the former un ambassador That woman right there. There was no, yeah She I don't think that's accurate. That's that's who she is. No Yeah, she's gonna do a speaking tour pretty soon Pretty cool, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait to hear what she has to say. We gotta give her vocal chords, too You don't think you look like that. No, not at all. Do you think you're gonna look like that? No, I hate when I go I hate when I see, you know That guy Vance Hines is almost skinnier than me now. Yeah, it's cool. So Vance. This is pretty great. It's by the way

Hold on. I have to okay. We're gonna make fun of this, but I have to say at the very beginning He's put in amazing fucking work to get where he is. Of course. I'm not like I'm gonna we're gonna make jokes about it I'm sure but like I am so impressed with this guy's fucking mindset. You don't know anything about this Vance Hines guy Okay, this goes back to the original weight loss challenge Right, this is when I know I think it goes to sober october Goes to sober october because not weight loss challenge. He He started his weight loss journey right in november. I think a full year ago. Okay. Okay, you're right and so more than a year ago now, but

I said On the podcast I said I could run a marathon in under five hours, which I didn't I ran it in 533 But yeah and building up to the marathon I ran a half marathon in Vance Hines Listen to the sober october listen to the fat shaming listen to all that But he saw me run the half marathon and then literally was like Well, fuck if Bert can do that I can do something and so he started trying to work out He was 475 pounds and today he's like four to 259. Wow He looks amazing. That's awesome. But then he came and did my podcast with diamond dallas page in atlanta at the tabernacle

By the way, fucking tabernacle It's awesome. It's the greatest venue in the entire world. Did you know that was a white church? He has a it was a baptist church is all white church. I thought it was an old black church No, I didn't know that part. I think it was baptist. Yeah, and I said to them I go So this used to be an old black church and they go no I said, what do you mean? They go it was a white church and I was like, well, it's the tabernacle and they're like Yeah, do you what what part of the 1900s? Do you think they let black people come in here? And I went oh, yeah, oh, yeah, and they go if you see martin luther king's church, it's like a box

Do you think they had this one too and martin luther king chose to preach in a box? I was like, oh, I never even realized that they're like, yeah, this was primarily filled with racist white people and I went oh that makes this venue very different for me in my heart and so That came out wrong and so But uh, but van signs and diamond dallas page comes in Uh, and he's like race to 200. Let's see you can get to 200 first. I was like I'm never gonna fucking catch you to 200. Oh, so what I mean, so the guy that This guy started off by the way. Hold on. Hold on. How far from 200 are you?

like uh solid 40 50 Plus 10 15. I can tell you right now on my withings app. Okay, I weighed in this morning on my withings app But I don't look at it. It just registers to my phone. Oh, oh You don't look at it. No, because I want to track it but I want to track it. I want to see it when I'm skinny I don't want to see it now. Gotcha. So my app I can weigh on the scale goes right to my phone

And then you don't have to take a look doesn't have to fuck with your day Yeah, yeah, I just go great affect your behavior and I have a withings app on my I have a withings scale on my Bus and in my house. Okay 245.8. Okay, so about I was 245.9 yesterday 250 Uh, February 14th So so you're going down you're going down, but what's so what are you doing a lot of diarrhea? That helps I am no can I be honest with you push? Yeah, I have no fucking idea to lose weight

Yeah, even when I've lost weight. I just do it like this psychotic psychotic manic kind of way I don't do it like a healthy. You don't have a method But if you if you okay, let's talk to joe No, can he make a method for you and could you stick to it if someone wrote down here's what you're going to do This is what this is the routine. Could you have a routine and stick to it? Yeah, I can be I can be obsessive compulsive But the problem is I'm not he gets hyper obsessive. Yeah hyper obsessive. But the problem is is uh, I When we lost all that weight I stayed in the 220s for a full calendar year full year

Yeah, we were both in the 220s for you're I know you're probably still around what 230 Yeah, but like we were in the 220s for a full fucking year because when we did sober october We did our weigh-ins at your house when we went to party at your house afterwards And we were exactly almost the exact same side wait. Yeah, I don't know why I don't know what's going on. It's just all of a sudden. It just balloons up. I get really well I don't think it's that confusing actually I get pretty I get pretty like I get off the rails sometimes. I'm like where I'm like deep dish pizzas Do you or beard?

I think part of it too is that is the fact that look you're a celebratory guy. Yeah, you're a fun guy Yeah, you're killing it on the road. Yeah, you deserve treats There we go now. We're talking like my inner mon dialogue. You're away from your family. Okay Let's hear about a strip club in a second So vixens for lauderdale You just end up Um, you know, you're you're the good time guy So you don't have treats in your head like when you get done a show you don't go

I wonder what I get to treat myself with. I mean sometimes. Yeah, what's your treat? Um, we'll see here's the thing. I have a way it's not even like a Party thing or a version to it. It's just like I've just look I'm I'm just not wired to be a big drinker So I so you go now I get to be alone No in a dark room. I do like that, but I mean most here's most of my the second show is over Okay. Yeah, so I go back in that green room. So hold on. Let's let's let's walk through our first you do two shows So your first show no booze. I'm sure right definitely coffee Yeah, okay me too a cup of coffee bring on stage. No booze first show that might bring a beer out

But I won't touch it Second show I bring a cocktail I'll bring a cocktail or a beer out Yeah, never when I when I say um when I was 22 years old I got Bob the Russian Mafia here's how it happened They cheer and that's when I start drinking. That's my first drink of the night. That's your closer That's my yeah, I tell the machine story every night. Yeah, so then you have like 10 minutes and then 14 minutes And I get I get I'll get a little bit of a buzz oddly enough I know that people think that I wouldn't but even in that 14 minutes just having a few sips I catch a little bit of a buzz. Yeah, but you're also like you're doing the

Like almost like a performance of a play they know, you know, so I get that I um, I never drink ever during shows before during I just in my head. I can't drink before it makes me we did it in vegas We've had mimosas and I'll do it on like an overnight flight I'll drink that evening, but I can't I have to be sober. I can't be having beers getting on stage I just give a shitty show. I usually have I'll have a drink after shows once or twice a week Whoa, and and usually it's maybe one drink Sometimes it's two Wait, so what do you do after the show to online so but I mean all right so because we're both on buses

it's basically like this it's like If um, so the second show will end. I'll go to the green room Whoever's with me will be hanging out in there music. I have like a speaker So we'll put music on talk about the shows talk about jokes And then if I feel like having a drink we have drinks sometimes we have post-show meal So I'll have a meal delivered as I'm coming off stage So we eat so it's like having dinner after the show Yeah, and then it's like what how important is the transportation if it's like we got to get going

Like we'll get on the bus And um, you know if I like I said if it's like if I feel like having a drink that night We have a drink sit around some nights. I don't so sometimes I'll hit like a vape pen You know do you like to vape dad? Yeah, I like a mild edible. I like mild ones So I keep it like real buzz level, you know not fucked up uh Mine's a little different. Yeah, go ahead Tell tell us the truth

That'd be 100 on lian's not here It's not lian. I'm worried about how are you worried about looking at everyone else? Oh, they know everybody knows before it always comes back to bite me. Yes uh Drink on stage for the second show starts with I tell the machine story I go backstage and then uh backstage. I'll have another drink like sitting back there We do like, uh, you know like a 15 minute chill out people come backstage for backstage passes like friends or what you know Whatever and have a drink with them and then I'll take that drink out to the meet and greet to the meet and greet

Of course makes sense. Yeah, and then uh And then what I've been doing a lot lately is going is telling everyone on the show where I'm going to go drink And then everyone goes and meets me at a bar. Yeah, it's different. Wow. That sounds like my nightmare Oh, it's not that bad. It's not that bad if you can disconnect right. Oh, right if you're just you're disassociated If you're one of those people that that can get into you, yeah, then it will get into you I would have to think a lot more if I had to do I actually don't drink that much because I can't drink some taking pictures I'll take maybe like I would drink a lot more if I had to take pictures I'll take like 500 pictures at night

Like at a like I'm inviting 1800 people to a bar, you know and going like at both shows I'll be drinking it dot dot dot tonight If you want meet me over there And I'll see you over there and how how you get horrible. I don't get that house I won't do shots. I won't do shots with anyone people. I won't let people buy me drinks Stressed out hearing about his night really I go in I'll tip the bartenders usually a hundred bucks each And just say hey, thanks. I'm sorry that I fucking swamps your bar tonight

And then and I'll and they usually take care of me and just give me like in when we did it in Boston We went to the that place right down the street. I forget the name of it and I did they didn't have Tito's and soda, so I just drank beer But I don't really go to his Tito's and soda though, right? It was it's just a little healthier I think it's a little leaner. Yeah, and so that's what yeah, but then we get on the bus You got a nice handle with you here. I brought you know Tito's is always nice enough to send me handles all the time

I have maybe I have maybe 19 bottles of Tito's at my on my tour bus Really? I have so much goddamn Tito's on my tour bus. You have no idea in Atlanta Live nation just gave me a case of Tito's. They were like, oh, just so you have it We have so much Tito's. It's ridiculous But here's where it gets wacky for me is like then we get on the bus and we got we don't travel with like six people so you get on the bus and everyone's like Uh, let's uh, let's do another round. Hey, let's throw on some netflix Hey, we just bullshitting and then you stay up and sometimes until four in the morning

And you're like and then sometimes what you do town? I stay up late. You are late. I do stay up late and I have trouble I've always had trouble. I got you know, I have trouble falling asleep. Yeah here when I'm on the east coast I'm fucked. Yeah, I that's the one thing that fucks me up the most Is uh, I don't even want to be up that late and I'm still like fuck man You know, it's 3 30 in the morning once you get on the bus It's healthier for me like when we have to leave right after a venue It's very healthy when you go to a bar and then you get back to the bus and you're like

You're just like I was staying up talking but you're not getting that fucked up. Yeah on the just sitting on the bus Um, I think my drinking oddly enough has been more under control than my eating I was really good the first run and then I just thought fuck I started to do this Like when because you know when you when you get to the theaters, they'll say like do you want Food, you know, do you want to order pre-show meal? Just have like an automated answer. It's like, yeah grilled chicken and vet like just This way what gets delivered is good for you. I was doing salads for a while. That's good. Yeah And then we then we were in Indianapolis and they had this great pizza place. I was like, yeah four pizzas Huh, what we'll watch the nfc championship in the port tour bus

Huh, what and it was just fucking the wheels come off. Yeah, is that lienne? I know is it like mitch fay tell look at it What's going on there? Oh my god That's uh, it's burnt. Oh my god. Is that friend? Yeah jerking off. That's me jerking off in a window Yeah, look at him. Oh my god. You've never seen this Oh, I've never seen it before that woman got almost got me fired. Do you never heard this story? The time you jerked off you never heard this story for real. No. Oh, this is a good story. Tell me So for those of you who are listening you did not see anything

Yeah, that's true. But what you did what was it from the shield and those two actors? That's not real footage That's not real footage. No. Oh, I thought it was from the shield. I thought that was from the tour No, no, no, no, no So, uh, I the television show that she the shield you were I was a cock That was my role. It said the cock. What was the booking like? I actually didn't even have to read for it. They just booked me. How great is that? Yeah, tom. They just looked at me and they go. He looks like a cuck fucking

Because the role was I was a guy who hired a black guy to fuck my wife And I like to jack off watching them fuck on the outside dressed as a dwp out boy a guy This is pretty cool. I like this very specific and I didn't even have to read for it. They went Yeah, this kind of thing jacks off to black guys fucking his wife. Yeah So how turned on would you be if that were a thing not at all not at all Really? Yeah, no, the idea of someone else fucking Leanne is not turn me on at all. What do you what's the scenario? Knickers

Whoa, what was that? Was that your opening your opener? No, no, that was I don't know what that was from I'm offended by that kind of Christ That startled me. I wasn't expecting to hear bert saying that Wait What's a turn on for you and leon like what would you want to happen with leon nothing just me and her fucking I'm not we're not we're very big potatoes. There's no there's no like hot girl scout troop leader mom That you'd be like oh leon we should oh no, no, no

Is your go to do you have a go to like you put her in the dog or like missionary or uh Yeah We did we did uh the 12 nights of kama sutra in december. Yeah We did the 12 nights of christmas with a group of friends. So we had 12 parties in in december And then on the first every one of those nights and then the first night I said, why don't we as a group of friends do the 12 nights of kama sutra? So every night we have a party We'll all send each other a new kama sutra pose that we have to do

And then we'll send our notes back in the morning as a couple and not everyone understood it properly The first couple gave their kids uh nike or uh, uh, benadryl No, and then did all 12 positions that night They knocked their kids out and fucked up 12 new positions Yeah, that's not what you said and so yeah, that's not always said but leon and I did it We did all them and it was fucking awesome. Really? There was this one position that uh that she pulled up and it was so cool imagine if um Imagine if you're sitting she's sitting on my lap, but her legs are over to the side, right?

Now take that position and just fall back on the bed So her back's on the bed and you're on your side And her legs are up over your legs. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, I'm trying. It was awesome It was awesome, but yeah, I'm more berry meat potatoes. I just want to have regular sex Yeah, yeah, I can see that big anal guy or no never done it. Yeah, not with her Once in camp this guy did it to me, but Nice guy or no, no, no, I'd never done anal. Yeah, really? Yeah I tried I've all I've okay. So wait you booked this role you said so I booked this role

um And chick list is I think chick list and this other guy are directing this episode But chick list is on set So I I read the breakdown and I the scene and it's me watching my wife Fuck a black dude, right and the black guy and my wife are both in this house I see them in the house And so I just got into role and I started playing with my dick like legit playing with my dick, right? And uh, they pull up and she gets outraged this lady. Yes, this lady the real person

She calls cut because this is ridiculous. He's touching himself and in my head. I'm like, did I read this wrong? I was like, I thought that said to play with yourself. I don't like oh my god. I'm so fucking embarrassed I've never acted in anything before this is the first thing I ever acted in this is when we were shooting her bird by the way so She was I I'm not gonna work with him and so she moves they they split us up And uh, Michael chick list and this other guy forget the other guy's name come up to me and I go, hey man I'm really sorry. I think I misread this I I can do it again. I don't have to touch myself and he was like, no great choice

I went Really? Oh my god. Fuck her. Fuck her. It's a great choice. That's definitely what we want As a matter of fact, what we're gonna do is we're gonna hold her in position. Hey And then we're gonna close in on you. We're gonna do some tights. We're gonna move the camera out But I want you to just play with yourself I was like, really? He goes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go at it and then what and then what I'm gonna do is When I call her back the second time Uh, so don't touch yourself and but we're gonna use you touching yourself

So I go, okay. So he goes, all right. All right. Hold her first position. All right. Action So I walk up this whole shot that you see and I'm fucking playing with my dick I'm playing with my dick and then my dick starts getting hard. I'm playing with my dick Yeah, and we're going on for like five minutes. I'm like, are they even filming or do you think they're just sitting back? They're going to watch this guy jag off. Let's see if he comes. Yeah So then it finally goes. All right cut. I he goes. I would have let you go Yeah, and so then a little more bird. They pulled they pulled her up and then the scene I did the scene without touching myself, but they used me touching myself and just intercut them

And then uh, yeah, and then I walk around They arrest me put me in cuffs had a panic attack in the handcuffs walk me to the front door Big black guy comes out And I was like, honey, can you just tell them what's going on? And he's like, yeah dudes with her And then you find out that I like to have black eyes. Fuck my wife. Oh, this has to be easy. Yeah Wow, I know that all you're gonna do is intercuts to my voice of I like to have black eyes. Fuck my wife And I just we'll use it. Yeah Thank you. These are all audio recorded

Make sure you mark that by the way. Yeah, yeah Yeah, we got it. Okay good. Um, yeah, we have this other uh footage of uh, where was it? How is this what is this and secret time that's this new special. Oh, yeah on Netflix you can watch it right now That's a clip from secret time It it's uh, yeah, they're doing an international verse release of it. They dump it everywhere. Wow. Good job, man I appreciate it, man. Yeah, thanks. Let me kill another one of these beers Do you have it in your audience people they they yell like bird is fat when they see you or they probably yell Thomas fat

Real Thomas they yell Thomas fat. They yell Thomas fat. They yell tour bus champ a lot Yeah, the one the one I mean, I told you this I hate to even bring this up because I because obviously it's something Great. I never said on the podcast but uh the very first date I did after doing this podcast when there's an oxnard and Some guy clear as fucking day in the middle of my set goes Tell your n-word joke Wait, what word the n-word? Oh, he but he said he said the real word. He said the real word and it was in the cleanest

white Version of that use of that word and it ruined the room it ruined the fucking room And everyone was like, oh and I was like, listen, I don't I apologize I go listen. I I understand that you're a fan but uh, I I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do that and I I just wish you hadn't done that and it really Reset the room and it I had to like win them back and it was like fucking nightmare So I get done the show I'm doing the meet and greet and this black guy comes up to me and he goes

You never told it. So It was a black guy doing a white guy voice Yeah, and it fucking and I was like you I go why didn't you tell everyone when you were black? He goes I don't care because he's black. He's like, I don't I'll give you shit. Yeah, but it was fucking horrific That was the one that sucked the most but mostly people yell tour bus champ bird is fat. Um, mickey mantle gene Is that the black guy? What no Who's that? Just a black guy I

Don't know here different black guys Dude, how about all this blackface showing up, huh? Yeah, what? Yeah, it's like what Yeah, there was there was the fashion stuff you're talking about. Oh, no, no, no I'm talking about all these fucking like halloween costumes and stuff. Yeah, like oh like the virginia Yeah, governor. Yeah, how funny is I mean how fucking comical is that the governor gets caught in blackface The next guy raped some women and then allegedly and then the next guy goes actually I've been in black What the fuck all in virginia all in virginia you did you ever see anyone in blackface in college and in like florida Or in high school

No, no our our high school cheerleading squad in like 1987 89 88 Came out to babies got back in all blackface with wigs and gold chains What really there was a picture of it online There was a picture of it online And I actually hit some of the chicks up was like hey you guys work with kids You might want to get rid of that picture one girl. I thought there was a picture online tag yourself

She's like I love this thing No, there's one girl that works with disabled kids that had a there's a picture of me and her in college It was uh this party I threw and she is in straight blackface like like Shit blackface and I ran into her in san diego. I was like hey You may want to like scrub the internet of that like just pull it down She had posted it herself and tagged me in it Oh oblivious to the idea that that you don't think I was even aware of what blackface. Yeah, it wasn't a thing for us here

I'm trying to think of like awareness. It wasn't like I don't think that people were I mean I wasn't thrown around Definitely in high school, but I if I had seen it probably you know, I mean I wouldn't notice my attention as being as crazy as if you notice it now Oh, I I mean, I don't I never even thought of it to be on I mean I I've never done it But I only still don't like makeup on my face like I'm not saying that I would have or I wouldn't but I don't like Makeup on my face like clowns freak me out. So I don't never put makeup on my face That's how I know I've never done. I know that I did the talent show in fifth grade. I did young emcee

Uh thing, but I wore a dress Blackface Why did you wear a dress? Uh forget I think I played the girl that's in the story and bust a move. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So like I had like acted out Now that's a hate crime. You were mocking I know Something like a yacht Do they got out to Kevin Cranston Brian Cranston because he played a disabled person with an able body

It's insane where this is going. I mean Kevin Hart tried to fucking give a shout out to Jesse Smollett And uh, you're just talking about. Yeah, here's what we're gonna ask you What do you think like if you were orchestrating that hate crime, what do you think he did wrong? Oh, I'll tell you like how would you have done it right? I can tell you all the things all the signals that I picked up on when I first read the story and I went I'm not gonna say this out loud, but this is bullshit. Yeah, let's talk to an expert You can't you can't say this out loud because you look like a person that is promoting violence But I go hold on one second to racist white guys recognized you from empire

I Too in the morning. I watch that empire like but I wouldn't recognize you I've watched empire, but I wouldn't recognize you and two guys in mega has like a you're that gay guy from Empire that never is going to happen. No one that's a mega guy is what is watching empire That just doesn't have it's not there what they enjoy watching It's a good point. I never thought of the noose was on his neck for 45 minutes When the police when the police talk to him who keeps a noose on their fucking neck The cops came to his apartment to interview him and he was still had it around his neck

And the bleach No one wants. They're not trying to get you lighter No one's like, hey, we want you to be like us. Come on, man. Let's let's help out What the fuck it was you're saying you're saying that yeah, like as as a white person You wouldn't want him to be whiter. You wouldn't be like Yeah, okay, if this bleach works, then we'll stop in the middle of this. I'm so sorry, man There was a lot of that that I just didn't I called I called bullshit in my head But then I'm also a cynic

I'm and I'm also a contrarian so like so like as soon as that happened I that's what I thought and then once I found out it was a lie I didn't get empathetic for that kid. I and then I go like You feel badly for I feel badly for him. Yeah, it's sad because I go where's his brain at And and I don't want that to be used as a lightning rod to light up true mega racists To go this is why they're that or this is like so like I whenever whatever side is the I'm always going to the opposite side and trying to argue my the other direction. Yeah, but yeah I feel bad for that kid. I don't know what the fuck's going on in his brain. They thought that would help him

It's not good. It's not good for anyone. No, I know. I thought the same thing. It's just it's Nothing good is going to come of that could be mental illness I don't know who knows. Hey Bert. Have you seen Terry? Should we show him Terry? I feel like you might like him Yeah, can we do that that dude has like Bert energy? Yeah Who's Terry? Hold on. Is this the guy hitting on Whitney Cummings? No That was on the internet when he put that on her social media a guy hitting on her. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah that guy was great That was awesome. Yeah Yeah, he was like I

I see myself with you Yeah, he's like I don't have much going on. I got a roommate. Are you cool with roommates? Wait, who's Terry? This is uh, this is a guy that cost us our McDonald's sponsorship. Yeah, this is the guy right here This guy's pretty awesome. He kind of reminds me I have seen Terry It's Pete again, and I'm here to do a little video I wanted to use this but by greening toy that I bought this new one And I thought I'd try that in and then I also wanted to try this double-ended

Fuck's sleep. There's lots of massive bullets in them I haven't used it of course, and then I went to look and they didn't send any batteries so bad bad bad Um, I'm not going to be able to use the vibrating part, but Can you jump to uh And then I got this cool But first I'm going to try and get this in my butt. Yeah, and then um, turn it on and it's even got this cool little I could see I could see Bert doing this. That's what I'm saying. I feel like

He would totally do this. If the machine's story hadn't gone viral, this is exactly what I'd be doing. It would be right? It'll be easy to go in You would do this And it's got a nice built-in cap ring, which I thought was kind of cool Oh, but it does have kind of a good size head So it may take me a minute Look at his eyes. Yeah. Oh, that's real. He feels it. I haven't had anything in my butt since my last, uh, butt toy video

Breathe it. Yeah, you gotta breathe Oh Loving it Yeah, dude, that is a $2.3 million. That is a great your mom's house challenge To what put stuff in your butt It's a viral challenge that we put out on facebook. Let's just get like the ice bucket challenge. Right, right, and it's Yeah, right. It's a tight shot and it's like, hey guys, my name is Bert Kreischer. It's ready for the it's ready I'm ready for the uh

The butt plug challenge right now. You got to try to guess am I putting a butt plug in or am I not putting a butt plug in And it's just a shot of my eyes and it's me going And People have to guess if you really did it or if you didn't do it And then do you show them and then you pull back and you either have pans on or you're naked Would you do a butt plug video? Yeah, would you I did uh, I would know but I tell you what I would do a suppository video Yeah, have you ever put a suppository in your asshole? I've had one put in but it's been a long time This is my impression of getting in a suppository. This is my impression of a suppository

Getting put in your asshole. This is me as the suppository getting put in your asshole. Okay ready. No, no, no, no, no I'll take it from here. Okay I put a lot of suppositories in my ass A lot because I because sometimes I fucking shit fire and so a suppository is what cools it down a hemorrhoid Really? Yeah, do you do it like? Yeah, I've done it very recently. Oh, if I eat a lot of spicy stuff in my fucking assholes burning I'll just show it. She'll have a preparation H suppository up there. Whoa, and that cools your asshole off immediately Feels good. Have you had other stuff with your butt besides the suppository?

Never never a toy. Come on. Never a toy. What kind of toy like a little car or something? Oh, no, no, I thought even sex toy No, no, no, no, no No, I never had a little one. No, I've never had any you'd never been pegged or anything like that never been pegged Really? I had a finger up my ass. Obviously. Okay, so obviously. Well. Yeah. I mean who has another finger in their ass What I mean how often I mean no like college That's the last time. Yeah, Leanne won't do it. This is why won't you do it? This is my impression of me and Leanne during oral sex. You ready? Oh, that's right. Oh Put your finger on my ass. What nothing

She would not do that. No, that's not the end because as soon as I said that Leanne was just think are you gay? That's where Leanne breaks. No, I'm not putting fingers in your ass. I mean your wife I wouldn't put I'm scared to have a guy put a shit on my finger. No Yeah, well, I don't know. I mean your ass is It's dry any time I would ever off that it would be Cleaned out. Okay. I don't have any shit hanging out in my body that I'm not getting rid of immediately Yeah I don't know but your ass seems real dicey to me if you had to put your finger in one of our asses

Tom, I don't even ask the question. I mean, oh, yeah, I guess Is your husband nobody like if you just looked on no, no, no just just slightly Yeah, let's say I'm not married to him and you guys just my friends Just knowing what I know about both of your personal hygiene. Yeah, his is way better than yours. No Yeah, you have very a very lack slack idea of personal hygiene You're Tom lies about his personal hygiene. What do you mean? I remember one time I picked something out of my body or something and I smelled it and Tom goes you would smell that I go. I'm sorry if you find an object on your body. Yeah, your first thing isn't to smell it

That's a first thing I do if I find some pens like where are you finding it? Something between your toes first thing I do. Oh, what's that? I don't smell between what no. Oh my I would investigate But I wouldn't smell it. Why would you just look at it? I ball it. Yeah, why don't you smell that? Probably? Okay, say say belly button lint I would have behind your ear. You don't rub your finger behind your and smell. No, why would you smell it do it? If you don't want to try it Do you just your smell yeah behind my ears do right now all the time you're nasty because you're nasty I'm wearing headsets. No, it's because you're nasty. No, it's not because I'm nasty

I'm cleaner than 98% of the people Leanne told us remember when trying out you used to live on Up 6th street down street from us up the street whatever that you used to clip your toenails And then you collect them on a piece of scotch tape and then you tape it under a coffee table the coffee table Which is so nasty. You think it's nasty. That's nasty. Why is that not nasty? It's Why is I don't know. It's so nasty. That's a good answer Wait, who's if you had to smell balls right now. Oh, who do you think smell better mine or toms? Tom's a thousand times mine. No, mine. No I always bet that your balls smell

Horrendous and here's why I'm gonna tell you why you don't wear underwear Yeah, and your jeans are not clean. You wear the same jeans every time I see you And on top of that like you usually think of like, hey, this guy drinks like 8 15 90 bottles a day like he probably smells between his legs. Wait Yeah, stinky. You really think you're using it. Do your balls smell good right now right now right now I don't know. They smell good right now, but I don't I don't think they're quite at that sour stage You showered last night. Yeah, I showered this morning. Yeah, but yes, I'm saying you're naturally stinkier Yeah, I think but I well my balls right now are ripe

I can tell because they're all in these jeans and these jeans are a little old They're a little old. Yeah, they're three three weeks old. Yeah, I knew it Is that that's how long you go between washing your jeans? Yeah, I've actually had a pair of jeans that one time I was flying back from South Africa And I was on the plane. I went I think my jeans smell Yeah, I could smell my jeans and then I washed them and I was like, oh, they're not that color for real Like how old are these? Yeah. Yeah, I think leon is just really accepting of the fact that you're disgusting My teeth my teeth are good right now brushed. They're good because I

No, I don't I floss. Hold on. I floss aggressively, but more importantly, I waterpick every day. That's pretty good. That's good Do you brush? Why not? Because I know because I already know I already know one time you go you were being you were telling you go Hey, why don't you get your teeth fixed? What you go? You got money. Just get your teeth wicks. You gotta get a white Wait, I have one brown one. I have to do this about the top though. No, your teeth look good. No, they're okay No, your teeth are good burr. I bet your beard smells like clean. I just watched it It smells like balls often. Yeah, because I play with my balls and then I play with my

Leanne will be kissing me and go have you been playing with your dick today and I'll go why it's because your face smells like balls Yeah, one time you guys you're so gross one time you go I was on the phone with you and you're at home. You're like, hey My finger smells real bad. I was like, why you like it smells like shit And I go, well, what'd you touch and you're like, I don't know And then you're like, oh leon just got upset and I go Wait a minute. You don't know why your finger smells like shit and you go, uh-uh I go, were you toying with your asshole and you go? Oh, yeah

Yeah, you don't hold on. You don't play with your asshole sometimes in bed No, what the fuck bro Let me tell you what I do do I don't play with my asshole in bed. No, here's what I do Here's what I do No, I don't like butt stuff. I'm not into butt. Never had a finger in your butt. I've had a finger in my butt But I don't like it. I'm not it makes me feel like I have to brown and I don't like it Oh, these guys are lewis and clark

You're exploring territory all the time Yeah Oh, who's like an ask you though. You put me I haven't had one in mind in a long time That's not how I'm afraid of getting shit on my fingers. That's what happens. I don't oh, sorry I don't bear scratch my b-hole with my hands. I don't bear Scratch my armpits. I do it over the clock. I'll do it over underwear like real dice I don't do that either, but then I'll just change my clothes. I'll just take off the underwear or take off the shirt I usually only scratch my ass with toilet paper

I will if we're being a hundred percent honest be honest secret time Yeah, secret time I'll I'll do an investigatory Itch of the asshole and if it's super wet I'll go we need to we need to involve some toilet paper in this one, but then I'll always go I smell every part of my body. There's not one part of my body. I don't smell This is I Ratchet

You're poor. Why I have a pimple on my lip. Okay. Like a thing guys Hardcore by the way the hardcore fun shirt is now in our store It's at your mom's house new item exclusive go to tom Cigarette or emergency comm slash tom cigar. I don't think I don't know if it'll be Up as the recording of this, but uh, there's the new bike stuff. There's the new mouse pad. There's gonna be A special water idea. Oh, I see very soon. Yes, and the rider die tour t-shirt is on sale too at this website Tom skirt. I like the tour. I like the tour Posterized off for the rider die tour. It's cool. It's really cool. Thank you

They also have the the overstock from the the last tour that I did the tour bus champ With a bird taking a shit in the corner. That'll also be in the store What so there's a poster that this designer made he um, he's awesome He listens to the show and he just designs posters for me He'll just come up with things and he put this one tour bus champ was the theme Yeah, he puts the location and all this, uh, you know me on it And then right behind the bus you were squatting taking a shit And and that was like the people loved it. They're like, hey, there's Bert taking a shit right there

Oh, cool. Oh, nice. Can't wait. Love it. Smell by in your ears. Yeah. All right. I'm clean. Is it is it moist? Oh, it's I'm I shower. What about yours? I shower Bert I shower every day. I don't know what you're talking about. Rich Ross has one that turned me on to that That's disgusting. If you were heads if you'd like if you didn't shower and you and you put on headsets Yeah, I'll tell you why you'd be sweating there, right? But these headsets have cloth and maybe they don't make you know what I mean? They're not like sweaty Whoa, who's on your podcast? Lots of people. Oh really? Greg Fitzsimmons was there before you my headset smells good

Have you seen uh blood wave? The trailer for blood wave. No, what's that the netflix doc? No. Oh my god. This is can you play it? Yes Turn it up. Turn it up. This is pretty cool Check this out There was a sudden string of violent hate crimes across america Several high-profile violent crimes have gripped the nation these past few months around the same time Unknown fat and racist comedian went on tour in a similar pattern I just want to show you what a real tour best champ does

To hold down the title from the shooting deaths of two african americans in a kentucky supermarket To the killing of 11 worshipers at a pittsburgh synagogue. This documentary Is an information between burt krischer and these hate crimes George is one of only five states without a hate crime law Right now i'm at the hard rock live in orlando. We're seeing is that the bulk of these crimes Are aimed at immigrants And muslims a man is still in jail tonight charged with a hate crime after police say he threatened to kill a woman in downtown portland When burt krischer stopped committing hate crimes a netflix documentary

Summer 2019 It's great work. That's gotta be awesome for you to be so connected with them. Yeah You know, it's gonna become it's like it's gonna become real news Oh, this out of context is gonna fuck somebody up. Oh out of context. They will believe it We're gonna we're gonna drop these like kind of everywhere, you know I was like that remember that there was a person that said I was responsible for the synagogue shootings Someone said that. Yeah. Oh, I sent it to you Really a long story. I'm not getting into it. Yeah, somebody tweeted you that not don't let it change the fucking subject

Someone genuinely wrote an article saying I was responsible for those synagogue shootings. Okay, let's change the subject Bert, how often do you shower for leon? Every day every day. I shower every day. Yeah, so this is the type of guy you get Yeah, yeah, I shower every day So we're talking about these guys, right? Bert, Tom, Joan, Ari, right? So, Bert is where? Bert's right there, right? Really, really, really back to you. Bert's at the way way end, right? Why? He's slow, right? So we can say that Bert is in what place? Is he in first place? Second place?

He's in fourth place, right? Bert's in fourth place. First, second, third place. Right, so Bert's in fourth. Okay This is crazy. Yes. I've never seen this. Yeah People are still learning about math and stuff like that based on how fat Bert is By the way, whoever just said that, who just said that? I don't know One of your fucking lap tracks back there No, people sent that in a long time ago, but apparently I've never seen this. They're still sending it. No, this one's new Okay. Oh, cool Yeah, I'm super excited to keep playing the rest of it

Turn up my volume in my heads as I'm not hearing it clear or not. So remind me again who's first place Uh, Joe. Joe. Joe's first Joe and then second Ari second Tom Who's in fourth What are these fucking kids laughing at? I don't know. I think they like your name. I bet kids like your name Yeah, yeah, it's a fun name. It's a great name. You don't hear it a lot either. No, like Bert and Ernie

So what is that some teacher that's just basically talking about the weight loss challenge? It's a teacher who's uh, it's usually we get like English as a second language teachers And like when they're just trying to come up with sentences, they'll just you know They'll throw in something like and then what happens if you eat too much and then the kids go you get like Bert like that I don't know. They just send it in I'm starting to understand this fake news thing So this becomes real there's people that come up to me after the shows that are

Massively overweight. They're like, hey you fat fuck. Yeah, and you're like and you're like you're fatter than I am Oh, I got that too. Yeah, you're like I get that when they're like, um When it actually the only person Who will say something to you like to my face? Yeah, we'll be like a really fat guy Oh, yeah, or the most abusive Fat comment you're like, who's this guy'll be like 380 He's like, hey you fat fuck. I blocked someone today. You did. Yeah

I don't mind I I get I can I have the probably the thicker skin Out of most of the comics out there I I I can take a joke and I'm fine with it and I get I can understand an attempt at a joke that falls short I understand that it's they're not pros at it. I've fallen short But sometimes you get guys that just say mean shit And I'll take it if you like, I mean, I'll be like, you know, if the guy follows me I know he's trying to be funny if you don't follow me. I'm like, sorry, man. That's not how it works

You get fucking blocked. Yeah, you get suck a dick or if like I've blocked people because they said way too much mean shit about you and I'm like, oh, no He's my friend. No, I like him more than I like you now. I'm blocking you I've liked a lot of people on instagram For further comments. Oh, I've blocked a lot of people on instagram We just get on my thing and start fights with people And just but they're trying to do like an inside joke, but they're legit starting fights. I just go man You can't play anymore. Yeah, you got to understand the nuance of it. You got to get have a sense of humor about it at least

Yeah, I agree. I don't like I don't like the super abusive stuff Yeah, like or if I post a picture of my family and they go They say like really horrible shit about like whatever. I'm just like Yeah, you're not gonna play. Yeah, but and I think that's the right we have is to say Hey, I'm not gonna play because I remember when when we did first of the fat shaming at the very beginning Uh, there were people that did not would weren't in on the joke. They weren't getting it first Yeah, and they were picking sides for real. Fuck Bert. I fucking hate that guy. You laugh to his own jokes He's a fucking faff. He doesn't he doesn't even have a Netflix special. Who the fuck is he anyway?

He's just some guy from travel channel and you I remember you going like, uh, he's blocked. He can give a fuck himself Yeah, no, I don't I don't like the really mean stuff I thought there's like a circle of people that we kind of like Bert's not racist guys Like uh, this is uh Circle people that get the joke, but then there's people that just don't yeah, we put them in world war two footage It's a joke I didn't think I'd have to say it. That's not real Bert's not a nazi

Do you realize that that was an off-the-cuff comment though that started it you were just sitting down We were promoting it was a perfect time. It was a perfect store. We're like here's the fattest and and we just pause like what's another bad thing to say Uh, super unapologetically ready to raise this guy and like that was it. Yeah, that was the beginning of it We've got to get a new thing going. What do you want to be? Yeah, the best-looking comic in comedy the guy with the biggest dick smelliest balls No, I don't mind that Um grossest poorest hygiene

More exciting. Let's say a stage presence Charge with rape, but never Too late someone's already done that. Oh, they did. Yeah, some fucking guy used to be my friend did that What? Yeah, I'm not gonna say his name. All right. Let's talk about this tour by the way. You maniac. Yeah, so Your tour is a huge success. Probably bigger than you ever thought it would be way bigger than I ever thought it would be and Everywhere you're you're adding shows you're fucking touring every week like a psycho Um, when so when are you uh, what's what's the next stops for you that you want to? People to come to where you where you're gonna be? I know you have everything, but I think no, I think uh, I

Everything's sold, but you know, there's always like single tickets. There's always available tickets So like on all those second shows there's always like, you know, like a like a two-packet somewhere I'm in norlands this week Austin Dallas and then uh, and then I do like Jersey Philly DC And then that run of the middle middle middle of the country and then I'm in Australia and Europe Yeah, yeah, I think Europe's already sold out and then Australia has got open tickets

I think but that's like fucking three months four months away. That's great. Are you ever gonna do Australia? Yeah, we're talking right now for real. Yeah, the main thing is I didn't want to announce it Uh way ahead of time. I was like you can't put me in a position where I get fucked So we have to announce it closer to the date So what we wanted it to be well, I mean it would I would announce it later in the year It'll sort of be later in the year. Yeah, but if it comes in the fall More like winter you got you know what you got to do when they go ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for Tom Segura and don't walk out on stage for 15 minutes

You've done Australia with Joe though, right? And I did the Melbourne uh comedy festival Hey, what's going to be our sober october challenge this year? I don't know Think about it now. So we're not thinking of it in the last minute. We're not doing the surf thing I don't I mean, I don't know how we would yeah, I know plus it's october. It's gonna be cold as fuck I didn't think that one through. Yeah, it's really cold. Uh How about we each raise a wolf? We all have children that's a great idea I'm trying to plan my touring around it because I don't want to be touring too aggressively in october

Yeah, you would did not do well if you did that. Yeah, and as right now I'm They want me to go out every single week in october and I'm like, I can't I can't I want So brocktober is too much fun. I want to be present for it. I want to be here I want to do something where we all do it together like we did hot yoga where it's bringing together I was gonna say the first one was better the first one was better the competition got intense And the only person I mean, I didn't even talk to aria. I couldn't even talk to aria because he was so competitive about it Uh, uh, this year. Yeah, this year's or whatever and I didn't talk to joe once and we'd all be in our text By the only person I ever spoke to was you. Yeah, like I want to do something exclusive kidneys were shutting down

Like he was doing stupid shit. We can't do that. We talked about last night and he was like, it's good to know I still got that part of my brain around Where he's like, ah, oh it's survival mode. Let's fucking go and I was like, yeah, that my brain didn't do that at all I don't like that part. Did it bother you what when we did so brocktober. Yeah, it's stupid I think it's horrible and it ruins our family life. It puts wrench in everything. Wow She sounds like lianne hard fucking core. Well, yeah, because we're the other half to so brocktober In fact, I think she and I should do a podcast when you guys are doing so brocktober So we can let people know how much it wreaks havoc on everybody's life

We could get our wives to see which which wife could milk the most semen out of us That'd be cool. Yeah, that's a good challenge. Uh, it's a great challenge. I like that. Hey, someone drop the artwork so brocktober Milk the men the milk man challenge. I like this one. Well arie needs a milker. He doesn't have a wife. You'll find a few Yeah, he's got one. He's got some 25 year old hippie that makes patchouli in new york. Yeah Who doesn't know what is she'll milk him through a table, you know, that'd be fine Let's see. What can you guys do that's inclusive and fun and because like I think you're right The solo nature of the last one wasn't fun because you guys weren't enjoyable. It was interesting It was a good journey, but it wasn't it wasn't

You know what kind of suck here's the thing about the hot yoga. It's it kind of sucks. It is doable It's about going there. What if it was more like, uh Like a spin class kind of thing like that sucks like it's doable But you don't want to go fucking 15 times in a month, you know What if we paired up with I mean, I think all of us are pretty anti-corporate But what if we did pair up with a big corporation to do something of theirs So we could I don't know. I mean, we're already going to lose jokes He's like we're not going to all financially benefit off sober October

I think part of the fun of it is that it's organic You know, yeah, I mean going like I think going to the like making yourself go to the class And knowing that you can miss a day, but man, you better not miss too many that made it interesting to me Yeah, I liked I mean when are you like when we were in Arizona and Ari was like, yeah, we got to go We got to go we have a hot yoga class at five and then we're doing a show at eight It was kind of fun to dip out go do hot yoga. Did you already do that week with him? What then you guys weren't you guys going to do so we went to Utah. You already did it. Yeah, how was it? It was great. Ari is Fucking hilarious to watch ski. Really? He's the ugliest skier you've ever seen in your life

He is first of all, he's he's taller and lengthier than anyone out there. He dresses like he's a child He has like stars and stripes pants a dirk Novinsky jersey on He covers his face all in black. So it looks like he's like one of those gi joe men And then he skis Like a pizza pie whereas he just snow plows the whole time, but he goes 60 miles an hour snow plowing Like it's disgusting. Uh Yeah, but he uh It was a fun week and man all we did was talk shit about comedy. Really? Oh, that's your favorite thing to do that 100%

You love gossiping not as much as you I enjoy watching you gossip more than anything You like I mean I we like gossiping gossip the million times. Yeah, but we I mean, but I do think you're like you Enhance it for me. I get into it. I get into it. I like to punch up. Yeah, it's fun to watch you get excited about shit talking Oh, dude when we've we went down this blue run It's called boomer and in the middle of boomer in salt lake city There's a bar and we went down we've been skiing like half the day We like maybe five runs we get to this bar boomer and we sit down when I get one up here We want a beer and then something pops up on the internet and someone's like dude

Have you seen this and all of a sudden? We're at boom. We're at this bar for two hours And then at one point we're like fucking you just want to ski down to the bottom you get drunk and finish this conversation Dude, it was the greatest sounds like a lot of fun. Dude. I have I I could talk about comedy for days Oh, I know I love it. I know what do you do? Were you sexting? No, I was just uh keeping up with stuff. Don't worry. What are you texting them for? No, I'm texting them.

You're laugh track? No, we mean laugh track. I hear them cackling in there. They're laughing at moments. They want to laugh. I don't you think I'm instructing them? I thought it was a legit laugh track when I was outside What are you talking about? I was like they're fucking cackling. You hear it again? But that's that's just him. Why does he have the fucking mask on his face? He's he's oh, he's black. Oh, he's got AIDS. Oh, so he didn't want me to know Yeah Yeah, I'm like, hey, dude, I got friends coming you mind covering up

And he's like, yeah, no problem. No problem. You've got a legit set here. I know. Yeah Do you like it? You should have seen it Well, not when mcdonald's was sponsoring because when they gave us they gave us 2.3 million dollars And they were like if you paint the set are mcdonald's colors great And when they pulled out and mortons jumped on and then they fired us like two weeks ago Really? Yeah, so what's the ideal sponsor for you guys? I mean, we'd love to keep it in the steak house wheelhouse, you know, but I don't know man. I mean

We have a couple. There's just a korean steak house is looking to do something But they only want to throw us a few hundred bucks, you know, so that's cool Rather, I'd rather have one of the big dogs do it really sure like uh Like larsons. Yeah, or or mccormick and schmitz. Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Yeah. Oh, that would be great Go all green and white. Yeah Oh, that would be great and have a guy with like a nice little butler coat come out Serve you a steak in the middle. That'd be awesome. Or houston's even I like houston. I like houston a lot Houston's gave me back ribs some of the best ribs in the fucking world

I was just gonna say that when I was pregnant with the first kid. We would go there once a week You don't even say his name. That's how private you are. Yeah Yeah We got to get you a travel smoker tommy So You're you're really you're smoking smoking me during the show during the show during the day Who sets it up? Dave williamson or myself. We mostly Dave williamson Such an inherently bad idea dude. We set up the travel smoker. We put out some chairs

Put the awning out and crack some beers and sit on the sidewalk outside the theater people are walking by going Hey, wait, is that is that you on the bus? I go then I'm into who I am. I go. Yeah, they go Can I get a picture? Don't even know who I am. I'm like, sure It's hilarious. And then your meat's ready by the end of the night or what? Oh, yeah. Yeah Well, we did a brisket in Tampa. We did Dinosaur ribs in Orlando. We did a pulled pork in Atlanta. We've done it every we did vegan burgers in Fort Lauderdale you set this up every night set up every night. It's so much fucking fun. Shout out to rektek

Wow, dude, they get they get great girl grills. Where did they where did they meet you to like to give it to you? I don't know. You know, they sent me a grill a while ago Just I don't know. It's just sent it to me and I didn't open it. I didn't even like I just was like, uh, I'm busy I'm busy. Yeah It was this big grill and I was like, I don't have time to put it together. They sent it to And they gave me like a custom grate where it says the machine on it And then one day I'm with the lian. We got some time off and I'm like, I'm gonna put that smoker together

And I put it together. It's a really nice smoker and then I was like, I'm gonna smoke some stuff tonight So I smoked some pork ribs and the girls loved them and I was like it's I enjoy You know, I'm I am the quintessential American like Homer Simpson male. Yeah, I love Setting up my grill grilling out having a beer like I'll say this by the way. Yeah 100 true I've always told people this you're an excellent cook. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I mean it genuinely and sincerely I think back on those early days When I was coming over we would go over to their apartment. Yeah sixth street, dude

And yeah, and uh, I was looking I was I would look at Going to your place almost like, you know, when you go home from college, I'm gonna have some good Food when I'm home. Oh, yeah. Yeah, what's your jam? You would cook feasts Oh, I would ban those days are the best those were I missed those days so much. Yeah, that's fun the naked time Yeah, I'm sorry. Necky time. Remember that the girl's naked time. Yeah. Yeah Naked run around. Yep. I remember Ila took a shit on the roof. I gotta get together one time. Yeah She was running around. She just looked at me and was like, oh Just pinched one off right there. That's right

Ila did that outside my parents pool one time Just jumped out of the pool pulled her painting so off the side the yard and then jumped back in the pool I was like, that's my kid I loved your uh, you had a you know, the rooftop At that place and we would all go out there and watch the sunset and drink beer and Oh, shit. Sorry That was an accident. I need some mcdonalds. I need some mcdonalds. Yeah, sorry Those were good time, but those were the that was the beginning of everything

I think Tommy and I were just becoming feature acts and you were becoming a headliner. You just had the two girls I remember remember we I did uh, it's before I knew anything about bonuses. You guys came over and I did Columbus It's right when we started doing rogans podcast a little bit. You guys came over and a stoop was like, hey You hit your bonuses. How do you want it in cash or in the check? I was like, I'll give it cash and he gave me like $6,000 in cash and I was like, what you came over to my house that night and I was making it rain on Ila She was on the ground and I was just making it rain on her and I was like, look at my bonus

I had $6,000 in cash crazy. You were like, holy shit. I was like, I know can you believe this? That's dude. I look back to those times so fondly because it was like Even like little things like, um Do you remember the time you told me I burp a lot? Yeah Like we were in the car and you're like, yeah, this is such like something wrong with you There's some you like that if you don't if you only know tom from this podcast There's a part of his personality you don't get first of all he Me and him are very similar in that we we write think so we'll be writing a joke like this

Oh, yeah, yeah that face all yeah, but then there's another part of him where he like will like it's almost like Like a child where he looks at you and you can tell he's got a thought he's like You burp a lot and I was like, huh? He was like, you've burped like a hundred times in this car ride And I was like, no, I don't and you're like, no, no, you actually do and then I started going goddamn And I do burp a lot. Yeah, and then the next thing was I saw him like a week later. He was like, guess what? I talked to my doctor and he said there's definitely something wrong I was like really because I told him you said I was burping a lot

And then I was thinking about I'm talking about to him and I definitely have like some acid reflux I was burping. I didn't realize you still do you always go Well, I do if I'm drinking but like I was I wouldn't even drinking we're just in the car Yeah, and I was burping like a lot and you're going Oh, yeah, I remember those days. Yeah. Yeah. I air I air chew. That's my big thing Like if I make something someone to eat something to eat and I watch them take a bite. I'll go You also by the way, but aside from you. Yeah, like but you have told me everyone told me My whole life. They're like, god, you know, slow down. I was gonna say that

And then I'm like Burt made me feel like that I was a slow eater Oh, yeah, like he'd eat a steak in four bites. I was like, are you all right? He'd be like, what? Dude, that should be I sweat when I eat. Yeah, no, he's you're a fast eater Now I don't know if you can do quantity, but I know that you can do speed Can we incorporate this in sober October? Maybe you're staying sober, but can you start eating faster? What something like that eating faster? I definitely faster. Do you want to have an eating contest? I could eat sober October. I could eat Can't get fucked up. But you can eat we're gonna lose Joe on an eating contest get fatter on October

Yeah, he was to get the fattest. That's not We got to make it something that's no. Yeah, he would definitely Although he would just take it to the next level and gain a hundred And then you'd be like, watch me lose it this week. Yeah. Yeah I'll lose it on a jog. Yeah, we need it to be uh, something that is Folds in easy to Joe and Ari's life But makes it fun for our families. So which we're not, you know what I mean? Good luck. Yeah There it is

Those are not the burps. I'm talking. No, I know I did a different on purpose. I was almost doing the regular ones What do you why do you think have you always been a fast eater? A very my dad was a fast eater. And so I looked at it as like a ride of manhood If you could eat fast and that's how a man acted. You really do though. I eat Horrifically fast how how he's really fast too. My daddy's real fast Yeah, like like I'm like a shark Like I I literally my eyes go back in my head and I just hot and I just can't stop I don't know how to

I also feel like do you do the thing it's this is a super fat person thing where you're like well Like even it's really good, but I'm totally full but like I can't not eat everything right and then you're like, well, it's really hurts And you still like keep eating you're like god and then sometimes somebody like a sensible not fat person will be like You know, you don't have to keep eating that and you're like, oh, yeah, I didn't think about that If someone makes me a meal, I'll eat it all. I'm not gonna leave one part not eating all of it I'll eat all of it. Yeah, I find it disrespectful to not eat everything last night

I had fought a friend's house and I didn't I was not hungry, but they served me a big bowl of fault I ate the whole thing. I didn't want it. I just ate it because I was like did you get diarrhea from that I was shitting at the comedy store last night because of it. I how was the store? I'm like that. It was great. It was it was great it was really awesome I also If I'm that way with booze

you Like I cannot leave I cannot leave Like if someone gives me opens a bottle of wine, I go, we're gonna drink the whole bottle of wine Yeah, we're not gonna drink half of it, right and if someone gives me a beer. I'm not gonna leave you I'm gonna drink the whole beer. I'm not gonna so you're not gonna leave here unless you finish Six more beers and a balotitos. I have to finish right. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're fine one of the first times one of the first times

I I didn't drink for like six months when I was dating Leanne because we she dumped me For early on for drinking. No, it wasn't for drinking But I but I what we got into a fight was I was drunk when that happened And I got I felt like alcohol betrayed me for the first time So I was like I'm putting alcohol in time out and then I was like and then I got to a place I was like, maybe I'll never drink again I thought that and then we went to Italy and what it was snowing We were in Venice it was snowing

And we were and it was like during a vacation so gnomes on the roads gnomes on the streets And we went to a little restaurant and it started snowing and she said I say we just walk around all night And I was like, I gotta be honest with you. I really want a glass of wine And I hadn't drank or wanted to drink in six months. She goes do it. I don't give a fuck and I was like really? She goes, yeah, she goes. I don't think of a drinking problem. I just think you drink a lot But here's now this is going from not drinking at all So I have a couple glasses of wine to bring the bottle out And I go, we're not gonna leave the fucking bottle. We're gonna murder the goddamn bottle

Like I'm not gonna and I hadn't drank at all. I had one glass. I felt really buzzed I go, we're killing the whole bottle now. I'm burping a lot and I noticed it Yeah, and then we killed the bottle when we walked out in the snow. It was one of the most romantic nights I ever had in my life. I was fucking great where was this in in Venice in Italy And just snow had just started falling. It was brand new snow covered streets No one had walked on it It was like midnight and it was right after New Year's Eve. So everything was shut down Was this like your honeymoon or no? No, she thought I was gonna propose to her

But yeah, and I didn't I did it in our bed instead later So wait, you walked through and she was like, here it is And you're like, oh, I gotta take a shit pretty bad Kept dying that going down to tie my shoe. Huh? What are you crying for? Wait, why did she dump you? uh, we got into a fight with her friend And uh, I wouldn't let it go Her friend picked a fight with me at a dinner and I wouldn't let it go

And I like after three days, I was still upset with it and and I hadn't said I love you to her Yeah, she had said I love you to me and I hadn't said I love you together Four months. Yeah, what the fuck she's like, I love you. You're like cool. I said cool Yeah, she goes. I said no actually I said she goes. I love you and I said you do She said yeah, and you love me and I said I do She said yeah, and I was like cool You're such an idiot and I just wasn't I wasn't I wasn't ready to settle down I didn't want to like I didn't know I didn't want to put labels on it. I had a bunch of real the time 28

God, you guys are old now too. You've been together a minute. I would be a grown-ass kids man Yeah, bro. We have babies. You're in this forever. No, you just fucking started. I know it's so crazy Dude, I I was 33 when you were when I was when but that's not that different. You're like seven years. Yeah Older it's not that I'm not seven years older. You're seven years older No, you're seven years older than I was when I had kids. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, so it's not that bad Wait, how old were you in georgia was born 30 george? I'm 46 now. She's 14 so 32 Okay, that's what we got. No, I was 32 when we got married. He was 20

We had else I was 36 When you had the the oldest. Oh, you say his name now. Yeah, okay Well, I say the oldest for 36. That's not too bad. No, it's not too bad Bill Burr's the old one. Yeah He's gonna be a hundred when his kids in kindergarten. Well, he's gonna go to that high school graduation And they'll be like your granddad's so old and mean-looking. Oh my gosh And I should be like that's my dad. Come on. Hey, I'll be able to smoke pot with my kids Yeah, I'll be like 55 and georgia's in college. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah

Yeah, georgia will be that dad when they when they come home from the they'll bring a friend when they come He'll be like, hey, you guys want to rage tonight dad's gonna get the cue fired up Yeah, we're gonna be the party who wants some smoked dinosaur barbecue ribs, huh? Dad's got a speedo on george. We got a pool party. Her friends are going to be like your dad's so much fun. She'll be like, uh Georgia doesn't think georgia's friends do not think I'm fun at all. They know fucks about me. Really? Yeah Isla's friends can give two shits. No one cares at all. None of the friends. None of them. That's the price I figure that some of the friends. Here's the thing. Are any of the friends guys boys? No Yeah, when they start having I don't mean like I mean a boyfriend, but like a friend. That's a boy

The friends are gonna go nuts for you When if like this is uh, you know, kyle. I have class with him. He's gonna go fucking crazy Your dad's a machine. Oh, he's gonna love it. He's gonna love it and then they'll end up Attracting just a bunch of mouth-breathing window lickers. Oh, dude. I can do keg stands. Yeah. Yeah, I should have a pizza box to win an election Dude, I'm just like your dad But you know that when they start dating that's they're wiring, you know that you've wired them the like Dude's like you that's what they're gonna go for right? You didn't date a guy like your dad I did in the past before tom and I fucking hated it. It was such torture for me guys running car washes

What? Armenian guys We go to dinner tonight. You get in the car. You dress nice put on the red lipstick. All right, let's go That's how I picture you dad in my head Yeah, that's exactly right It's not that far off. That's not that far. Yeah, you've got the gold chain No, like Tommy is the opposite of of everything in my family But that's why I was so attracted to him because he's like stable and sane and kind and he does what he says

He's gonna do and like he's just sweet. I adore him. Do you feel like and I'll say this I know that you're successful But none of us in this room are as successful as Tommy. Of course. Do you feel like you picked the right horse? Oh my god, all the time Whoever saw that coming the time if you had said to me one of your friends is going to be famous. I'd be like Oh I say to him all the time. What do I tell you Tommy? What do I say to you?

You said, uh, she goes he's a winner. Yeah, I knew I knew you were a winner Here's the truth Bart. Shut is that I knew Tommy was a goddamn winner from the moment that I met him You know, remember we're all fucking open micers. Well, you're you're in the class ahead of us, remember But like Tommy was 23 and he was funnier than everybody like he's the kind that started stand up and was amazing It's damn except when I bombed in front of Bert 10 times. Well, that's What else? Yeah, but you also think fucking you your thinking was straight. I always knew that you would be I'll tell you when I I'll tell you when I knew Tommy was a winner. Yeah is uh

We did a tv show and they were like Hey, I was like, we need to bring in a writer. Do you have any suggestions? I go my buddy Tom Segura is a really great comic he could be writer And I was I think I was doing birth conquer at the time So I went to do birth conquer. I came back a week later and Tom had Not only taken the head writer's job, but he was also executive producing the show And the guy that was the executive producer was now doing crowd control

There you go Tom changed the whole fucking show. He's like, so here's the breakdown I'll show you how it works and he's show ran the whole show and I was like Shut the fuck up And that show was the funniest that show was fucking show Which show is this? What are we talking about? It was called buzzed. Oh, I remember buzzed. Yeah. Yeah No fucking brainer like yeah, and he was but that's why I never got picked up If it's too intelligent, it makes sense that it doesn't happen in shows. It was designed for Burt like literally you kid and have anybody else

And the pilot was hilarious hilarious and they knocked it. They shut it down immediately Like it wasn't he was involved. Yeah, and they're like the show is called buzz. Yeah, but there's those dating shows where they Put booze and all those people the premise the blind date show was boozing. No, no, no I know I remember that. Yes. I remember it. They had a segment for those of you listening. We had a segment called um Called uh, was it uh Licketer stick it. Yeah, where it was like we put up a celebrity and you have to guess if she was straight or gay

Yeah, and so hilarious. It was hilarious and it was like it was like hillary swank uh Jennifer garner and then it was jamie lee curtis and this guy goes Stick it my dad fucked her and we're like what and he goes my dad fucked jamie lee curtis and I go I always heard she's a hermaphrodite and he goes no my dad fucked her But then again, would my dad say he fucked a dude? Probably not. There's only one way to find out I'm gonna call him and we go I go if you call him you get an extra hundred dollars That'll the phone on speakerphone. He goes dad. Did you fuck jamie lee curtis and his dad on the back goes?

affirmative Dude, do you remember the mexicans that headbutted each other? No, we have these two mexican guys and tom had a segment called uh uh Mexican or not a mexican And they didn't get one right That was pictures of latinos jennifer lopez mexican. That's right. This was a guest. They were basing it on whoever was the most successful Was mexican? Was mexican? Yeah, they're like, yeah, they're like she kills it. She's mexican. We're like, nah, she's Puerto rican

This show is so great We got these girls and these hot three girls and there was this thing We're gonna have one girl put lipstick on another girl with her toes Yeah, like hold it and draw it and no and do lipstick. Yeah with their paws and then she goes Can I do it with my tits? No, no, no, this is exactly I go So ladies, uh, I don't know if you notice this but none of you wearing lipstick One of my favorite things in the world is one with lipstick So the challenge is now and she goes to put it on with my tits and I went

Yes, it is And she goes, what if I put it on her with my tits? I'm like, that'll work also There was no rhyme or reason this show It was so but the fact is you guys were drinking during the show and I think didn't they have a problem with that? Here's the here's not I was not the guests could could be on buzzed. They were on buzzed But what they blew Was their bank account? So if you blew up to a point two five

Then we added a zero at the end and you started the bank with 250 dollars and on the ride home you could win more money, but that's the money you had to gamble remember the My favorite segment was I would read a description. You'd guess if this was a television show or not So I'd be like, you know, like, uh Um a divorced mother or a struggling family in the midwest Uh, the mother works at a plant and the father does this and they have three children And then they would be like, yeah, that's yeah, that's a real show But then we could come up with these

ridiculous descriptions of shows so it would be like um A man Lost his legs in a war, but through the through prayer He became a champion boxer and they're like that's a real show You just try to miss Like this guy with these absurd descriptions And they would get most of them wrong like even ones that were blatantly clearly made up

Oh, dude, do you remember when the guy was on his first date with his chick? And we're like, have you ever performed oral sex on an animal and he goes a chick monks once And we're like, excuse me. He goes, hold on. Let me explain. I was like, uh, you're definitely explaining He goes, it fell out of a tree Yeah, perform You had to give it resuscitation Dude, it's the funniest fucking show, but they canceled it. They canceled it immediately Yeah, and then they're like it has alcohol. We're like you you paid for this show. It was called buzzed. Yeah

They did a shot at comedy central to celebrate it. They lay on their all their pilots They did a shot. They loved it. Turn the lights on they're like, how many episodes are we picking up? Guy raised his hands from ad sales. He said zero because I can't sell that show It's really cool. Nobody thought of that before they ordered the pilot. Well, you would think so you'd think so Yeah, you got something there gene. No. No, you're doodling. All right Um, the body shots world tour is uh, is everywhere Um, he's going to it seems like there's some tickets left in australia. Maybe australia has got some tickets left It's a little ways away. I think europe's entirely sold out. Um

I will be in dc new jersey philly Uh, wise guys have sold out paramount and denver on the 23rd And then ending it in wisconsin, milwaukee, and minnesota at the end of march

awesome It's been the greatest. I'll be dead honest with you, man. I For those those who the do or don't know tommy and I are really good friends And so we talk a lot and to watch your tours and to see you do all these tours and to look at them and go I wonder what that's like. I wonder if it's overwhelming. I wonder like just have all those thoughts in your head and then to do it for the first time Dude, it's the favorite. It's the favorite thing. I've ever done in this business ever this tour Is the greatest thing I've ever done. I've never had more fun ever in my entire life And I I fucking I just I honestly only wish

That we were doing it together. Like it would be fun to be On a tour bus together or have two tour bus and going into cities It would be so much fucking fun. I look at I look at past touring and going Man, joe would have loved this. Yeah, joey ari And red band back in the day in the day. He would have loved it would have been it would change his life It would have been it's a game changer That's my next goal is to get like do a big tour with all of us and just Tour bus caravan like fucking a band. Yeah, just pulling into venues love that

And then you can wrap all the buses and each individual guys Face face and sound like this is ari's bus. This was tom's bus and then and we get let the other people pick the wrappings for the buses Oh man, we got to do that for ari. Oh, he'd love this butthole We do butthole then we put like what I wanted to do during the sober october thing was get him a rental car with Just like honk if you think I'm funny kind of Quotes on there and just put like ha ha ha all around the bus. I like that. Do you like jokes knock on my window? Yeah, let me know. Yeah call 1-800 go fuck yourself. Yeah. Yeah, or put his real phone number on the side He could never shut down my phone today asshole. Yeah, he was so upset

Um, I love you buddy on the tour and um Oh, also check out lianne's podcast wife of the party. Yeah, check out wife of the party my wife's podcast I think she's got a miss pad on it coming up. I I listen to it. I love her. I love hearing her talk about stuff. She's great I think she's wonderful All right, that's it for us. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Bye jeans You think it's pretty easy I

I I I I I