Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 491-Jeff Ross-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 20, 2019

The Roast Master General is in the building. Hilarious, original and always evolving what a comedy special can be. Jeff Ross has always been a favorite of ours and this podcast solidifies that.  Jeff is open and honest and slings that roast joke advice for all you lookin to toast someone. PLUS, Josh Potter jumps in the seat and updates us on his attempt to, you know, finish.     

I mean, let's do it. Let's do it. Hey, hey Space travel in a paper airplane That's nice by I can't tell who it's by Coded pole cat. Yeah, okay. Okay. All right. Now everybody has a Name that rolls off the tongue Coded pole cat. I mean all right, here's some Some shows that you can still get tickets to

The late show in New Haven on March 30th. Is that income net account? It is and there's a few tickets I don't know how many will be available by the time this comes out, but you can try to get them Late show in Madison, Wisconsin has picked up Still some tickets if you want to try to get into that That's at the Orpheum April 11th late show the early show is sold out late show in Milwaukee on the 12th You can try to get tickets to and the late show in Nashville is the only thing left that we can April 14th It is almost sold out and by the time this comes out. It might be gone Bethlehem PA April 25th has a less than 200 tickets left and

Let's see you can go to the only show you can get to in Boston still is April 28th That is the late show April 28th, and then I added a show a or May 1st in Portland, Oregon If you want to try to go to that the April 2nd show in Portland is sold out April excuse me May 5th in Seattle is the only show left with tickets in Seattle all the others are sold out and You can go on down the line there Thompson girl comm slash tour you can see the tickets in May and June We are announcing a bunch of shows We're gonna make the announcement in April

So it's gonna be in about three weeks If you want to get tickets before anybody else for the second half of the tour that includes all the Canadian dates a bunch of US dates some other international dates Sign up at my email Website go to Tom's girl comm slash tour and there's a prompt and you put your email in there And then we'll announce the shows First and you can you can jump on them before anybody else

Okay, mommy Many Apple tits act me comedy club April 4 through 6 my early shows are sold out and those tickets are going really fast So hop on it Tempe Tempe improv May 10th and 11th June 1st. Oh May 31st through June 1st Burbank, California sperm bank at flap hares comedy club June 20th through 22nd Washington Dick come at the DC improv tickets at Christina P. Online

Also, if you're not aware if you're new to the program, please check out my Netflix specials I have a mother inferior my hour and half hour the degenerates along with Joey Diaz Big J. O'Cresson Lisa Traeger Shamanic Shamanica Sanders Yamanica Sanders. Sorry guys. Yep shot out Christina P. Online Holmes All right That's it, right? That's it. Catch me outside Instagram the Christina P. That's it. That's all man. We just here. We just You know just in the same man. Oh my god. What's happening? All the rappers on the show are really

influencing One other thing before we get started don't forget. This is your last chance March 22nd That's a Friday 10 p.m. The Hollywood improv has the great Noncoming Josh Potter the great cockroach comedian the cockroach comic at the improv lab here in Hollywood glorious glamorous Hollywood, California at the legendary Melrose improv lab 10 p.m. Show Josh Potter's headlining. I know he's bringing Doug Mellard. Oh my goodness and a couple other people are on the show Get tickets now go to Josh Potter's page or just go to the improv Website and get tickets man. It's gonna be a really great show

That's that Jean that's a lot of business. It's a lot of business. We did it Let's get into this show ready. Oh gosh, I'm afraid to but are you a cum slut? Are you hooked on jizz? Are you a cum sissy? Do you love watching yourself jizz all over the place? Oh With Tom Segura Welcome to your mom's house I

Had a couple people complain that the intro is too long it is I feel it too You know what I'm thinking of doing what making it longer. No Because I want to get to the fun I want to get to the show and then I have to wait for the whole song. I'm upset I think I'm gonna make a longer version. Oh Yeah, are you a cum sissy? And yes, I love to watch myself jizz all over everything I kind of feel like every guy does don't you know? I mean it seems like it's pretty neat. It is pretty neat Yeah, it's like this spout that just goes off. Yeah. Yeah. Are you a cum slut?

Yeah, the first time that happened to you. Were you like whoa, like did you know it was gonna happen? Are you addicted to cum shats? Yeah, you did you know that that was gonna happen to you when the first time you did that? I'm trying to remember. I mean, you know what? I I always had a Real distance on me. So I was I was fascinated, you know quantity and Firepower, but I'm saying the first time I remember the first time stuff came out. Were you like whoa, dude Is that supposed to happen? Oh, yeah, you're like, oh my god Yeah, yeah, I mean, I remember if I can cite the first time like vividly that was the first time

But I remember being like oh shit. This is a mess, you know, and yeah and having to clean it up and I remember one time I was staying at a relative's house and you know when you really you get so Fired up when you're 12 13. So like I got a jerk off So I went in the bathroom and I stood over the toilet And I jerked off and then it shot over the back of the toilet So I thought I was gonna go in and then I was like, oh Some landed on some magazines No, it's not like good ones like time and like better homes and gardens. I was like, oh fuck

Those aren't the good magazines. Well, I'm saying I wasn't jerking off on a playboy. It was a right, you know It's like a news like mom's magazines. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, I love this shit so much Now back then did you we had to use your imagination because you're only yeah, you know, I didn't yeah It was just and then did you wipe off the magazines or you just left it? No, no, no, you wipe it off How do you hide all that stuff from your mom when you're that age because your mom's still doing your laundry? Yeah, you know, I used to do I used to jerk off into boxers. Uh-huh, and then I would just throw those boxers under my bed No, that's not a good strategy. No, I know they would just I'd just be a pile. Yeah, that's not one day

They'd just be gone So she was like I found your coming I think that she probably like my mom doesn't know a lot about that world She knows what you did. No, I think she probably thought it was wet like, you know understood that there's wet dreams I don't think she thought I was in there like I'm cranking this thing out every night. She knew I don't think so Can I tell you the grossest story ever told? Yeah When I was in college, there was a boy I knew about yeah Who would come slut you are not me I am definitely not who would listen to this though. You're gonna get very sick everybody listening. He's gonna get very alright now

He would be gawk every night in the same pajama bottoms So he would wear the same pajama bottoms night after night and he would just you know Yeah, bus nuts in those jammies and then oh wait. Oh wait wait. No, no, sorry I think he would use the same rag and then he put it and then he threw it to the side of the bed Anyway, he used the same thing over and over and I remember he left it there and then it grew mushrooms Yeah, it was so gross because we lived in England it was my year abroad and The climate in England is like, you know cold and clammy and so it grew mushrooms because he was using like the same Just rag every night was everybody involved in this or something

No, but he had a roommate I think discovered it and then we caught wind of it. We heard about this kid So he's jizzing into the same right at the same it grew mushrooms Yeah, cuz he left it by the side of his bed. I'm gonna fucking throw. I know I told you was the grossest story ever told Are you proud of me? Yeah, that's pretty good. I'm proud of us. Oh, yeah, you should be I'll pot of us all God Somebody's doing it right now lady is her. It's your mom. This is what she does your mom's friend Come slut. Yeah, are you a little come whore? Are you hooked on jizz? Yeah, are you a come sissy?

Do you love watching yourself jizz all over the place? Yes? Yes, you just love the taste of nut. Are you addicted to come shots just come excite you Are you a pro swallower? Taste the smell the texture of some hot come She's not playing any games. No, she's called wife material right here. Okay. She would really been to our come gum idea I remember yeah, I'm not chewing up all the different guys come like like choules or tidal wave and there would be in the middle Yeah, a thing I come different races of people. Yeah. Yeah, you want some Asian gum? Asian guy

Do you love cream pie do you love licking your own come got it? Thank you wrap it up crave your own taste I know I love the way I taste. What about you? Do you love the way you taste? Do you love watching others taste you? Okay Alright Good morning, she likes the way she tastes she likes her own her own Most people do that juice really I don't I don't really do that to myself. Do you see that? I don't really do you do it sometimes? Oh

Was at the end of her? Yeah. Oh good. Thank God. That was horrendous Is her whole like vibe that does she have other stuff? I mean she has a YouTube channel called the kinky kid It's all kind of in this lane. Yeah. Yeah, and isn't that lane all right doing the Lord's work Christian stuff. Yeah, they they allow this on YouTube. You're allowed to talk. I guess. Oh, I guess Yeah, I mean she's just talking about it. You know, she's not she having anything up in her Can you do that? Can you can you like eat jizz on YouTube? I? Mean that's a that's a blurred line. I think Do you want to find out I am yeah Josh, I do want to find out God

No, no, no, how quickly can Josh jizz on his own? Yeah Here hold on we're gonna switch places for a second. Yeah, this inquiring minds. This is very important listener information Got the whole world is unbated breath waiting for Josh is coming. Yeah The whole world wants you to come bro. Everybody's asking. Yeah, how long does it take to make me come? Yeah by myself Yeah, I mean it depends on the scenario obviously, but You know, I could get it I could get it out pretty quick probably You know, if there's a gun to my head though, I don't know if I could let's not gun to your head Let's say I'm like, hey, you know, you haven't released in a few days for this purpose

Like if you want me to taste my own come I can have it ready by the ad spots You know for the show, yeah, would you taste your own jizz? I'd probably I think I accidentally have you know You were talking about your your velocity and yeah, how hard you've launched. Yeah, I've definitely like Accidentally Bukaki myself. Yeah, isn't that fairly common? Yeah. Yeah, so I've definitely probably tasted my own face Yeah, I've laid on my back and just bathed in it The worst is when you get it in in your glasses because of the shame of cleaning your glass. Oh, yeah I can only imagine you've ever done that thing where you have the girl wear glasses or maybe she does and you cover the glasses I do it with my own sometimes. I've done it with my own glasses. Yeah, it's called specs appeal

It's fun because then I can't see either. So it's like am I hitting the glasses? I don't know. I get to find out after Yeah, that's cool. So did you know it's morning talk guys? You come inside a lady since we're not yet. We're still doing research out there We're getting to the bottom of it, you know every day is a new day and a new discovery. So love this attitude How about your DM game? Is it is it? I don't know if you saw some tweets I saw some emojis. Yeah. Yeah, I went emoji you took that BDE that Brandon was talking about and you and I applied it and I think it's working. I got a couple of nudies To your colleagues policy here, where are those new? Oh, yeah, no, they'll they'll be at the weekly recap. Okay. Good. Good. Good

Were they good ones some we're good. Yeah You know, they were all Yeah, I would say appreciate them up and down left and right. Yeah, you should any naked chick is a good Every naked chick any every yeah, let's be real here. Well, all I want you to do You know my fingers are crosses for you to finish in a nice lady I Pray every day to the Lord above that someday I can feel what it's like to just Just blast off inside of a woman. I spoke to a doctor about about you Christ. Oh, yeah

Yeah, there was a doctor at my show And he was like, yeah, he needs to see someone like me and a therapist. Oh together two of them That's what he said. Yeah. Oh, you definitely need a therapist. I think this problem is emotional Partially, I'm assuming I I'd I'd think there might be some trauma that there's something to you think to the audience I appreciate everyone's feedback on it because everyone seems to have their theories. Let me tell you I bet you got a lot of messages. Oh, yeah, these people who blow loads all the time have all kinds of advice The one that they're like, hey, maybe you should get different glasses

You could get a smoke show in that way. These are not for show people. Yeah, these are I have to wear them I don't want to these aren't like my that's not gonna help, you know I thought maybe if I got better ones, I could see the girl in more HD, you know, and then maybe that would help me come Yeah, cuz maybe it's cuz it's blurry. I think you need help. We got to go to the doctor What kind of doctor were you speaking with? Just it was a urologist. You need a urologist and you need a therapist Oh, it's so much doctor stuff. It is see what you want to come last time you saw like a like a physician Yeah, I know boy. Ah cockroaches on go to the door in the year 2019 Ah

It would have been Eight years ago what mandated physical for a job Dude, can we get another physical going? Yeah, I'm scared to find out. What's yeah, that's probably a good idea though Don't you feel like if I find out what's wrong? Then I then I'll die, you know what I mean? Like it would be great for the show though. Okay, that's true. Yeah, we could I'll put my Fuck all that hippo shit. I'll put it all out. You you could be having neuropathy issues Yeah, and then that case we can do meth on the show. That's right Yeah, I'm gonna have you film that elsewhere just for legal reasons right right an undisclosed location

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then but then just make sure you get high-quality video. Of course. Yeah, okay, of course All right, we'll look to do is come soon enough. You know, we'll keep we'll keep in the lab We'll get at it. Thanks, buddy and guys, but please don't send us the book natural harvest We've we've gotten the link many times natural harvest is a book that's full of cum recipes where you can You know make cakes and think like we've got it. Thank you. Don't don't send me natural harvest What who keeps it a hundred? Okay, Gene last night. Oh We went to

Brody Stevens Memorial. Yes, it was amazing. It was beautiful many people probably saw it on Periscope the Paris because he was the prince of Periscope and It was like a really awesome energy and celebration and Remembrance of that guy. I mean the amount of people that showed up. Oh my god Pay respect or show love to him. He had so many friends. I had no idea. He had celebrities baseball players

Comedians just peep randos and we all cried everybody went from laughing to crying laughing to crying Yeah, that's very nice gave like the most amazing. Yes back and forth Speech like that where he was it was touching and heartfelt and then hilarious and then you know it was going it was back and forth and it was like It was like an emotional roller coaster just to be there and watch. Yeah, but I will say, you know Jeff Ross had some great lines, which we'll get into but but he made this great point that you know comedy is this receptacle for broken people and I don't know. It's nice to know that we have a community of broken toys and this show your mom's house, too

I feel as it is obviously an extension of you know the company's club and the store and all that Yeah, and that people belong, you know, we all belong together And it's sad when you're missing a piece though Brody was such a big piece of our yeah our fabric, but it was very You know comforting to see so many people care. Yes, and we drank a lot and then Bert a lot Bert drinks so much So much I had to tip the waitress extra because she Brett she brought so many beers. Yeah, I did He had so at one point before we started he had six beers in front of them and a glass of wine and I was like just

And then you know, they brought a few others then we go to take a pee break and as we're coming back He's holding like he has his hands like this and they just bottles Sticking out and he's like ready to go back. I'm like Jesus man. Yeah, and then this morning. I talked to him He's like I'm gonna run 10 miles today. All right. Why he goes lose weight. I was like You know, it's like, okay sounds good sounds like the formula most Doctors and and you know trainers recommend getting hammered like drink a lot, but then run 10 miles. Yeah, I'd rate yourself. Yeah

But it got us to thinking about our own memorials last night We came home I mean cuz really Brody and they they were showing clips of his stand up and it was so fun. Everybody was dying laughing Cheering it was like and Judd Apatow came and he even released the footage from funny people Brody used to always have this line when he was like, I was in hangover Hangover to due date. I was cut out of funny people cut out of funny people He always said that he always said that so they Judd allowed him to whatever. Yeah, Joe showed the footage footage Yeah, but um, but I mean it got us to thinking about ours and my worst nightmare

First of all, if when I if not not if when I die do not fucking play my early material might really stand up It's so embarrassing like I'm in a fucking white dress Remember that? Oh, should I use it? Just just to be I mean just let me preface it by saying that back in the day This is a decade ago. There was no fucking me too movement and comedy is even way more sexist than it is today And so this girl April Macy and I had to come up with a hook just to get fucking booked because they would never touch a female Comedian really unless you're super super famous So we came up with this thing naughty and sort of nice and I was sort of nice She's naughty and she's the devil and I'm a it was like the stupidest thing ever and I was marketing though

Hey, we had to take just to get into these d-clubs to work my way up the circuit But man do not play fucking any clips from my early stand up What else I will dive embarrassment and then I can just see it till they're like Christina was a great Comedian she did a lot of work on the fart mic and then like cut to me farting Yeah, like what it what's my contribution like not not as much as Brody, you know, do you think you'd be as beloved as him? No How many people you think would show up? No, I think like maybe these guys that we employ Like blue band Josh is like well, I'm on the payroll. I guess I have to because Tom's still alive

Tom's got to pay us Jesus. They're like, no, we want to be here and they're like how fucking long is this thing? I don't know. I think I'd be I Don't know. What do you want? What's your worst nightmare as of a memorial memorial? I don't know about my worst nightmare. I can't imagine that many people going to I just don't want my stand-up show Like that would be the worst Yeah, I'd want all my specials played, you know from beginning to end everyone has to watch them all Yeah, you have to watch you have to watch have to watch every single every joke every joke and then the people come on No, I definitely wouldn't want that. I don't know. I can't imagine that many people would go

Last night when I saw all that love for him. I was like, there's no way this would happen Yeah, no, I think people would be like Christina never came on my podcast. Yeah, I asked her a lot of times She's like nope too busy. Tom didn't text me back. Never That would be the speech I used to text Tom and he never texted me back Well, you especially because you're you're way more anti-social. I'm at least nice to people Yeah, I know I think people will be like, did you have a family like they wouldn't even You know like a homeless guy on the street. Yeah, no, no, I don't think it would go that well

I don't think so either for me. It was amazing. Like his was amazing. It was really like a I don't know a comforting experience a surrounding something that's obviously terrible Yeah, but it was like to see so many people Remember someone like that was really a wonderful beautiful and it makes you think about what a piece of shit you are Yeah, not you just mean no, yeah, like I'm so selfish. I don't I don't like Make an effort to hang out with people other than my family ever. Yeah, I don't make an effort I don't make an effort either. I don't even make an effort with yeah Like don't you feel like I mean we have we have a seven-month-old and a three-year-old and then this and then Stan

I'm like, I don't I don't have the effort to be there. They're like, you know, he he just always Talking about off-stage. Just wanted to make like you laugh. Yeah, I'm not like Such a dick I know I don't care. I don't care. I don't care either Did you go fucking giggle on your own? I know and they were like He just wanted to spread joy and make the world and was like that's definitely not my goal No, I'm just like I get in I get out just want to go home and sleep one of his friends was like and then like

Brody got a show in Comedy Central and he flew down His friend that he made a promise to like 20 years and then you and Bert both started balling I noticed both of you were like, that's a real gentleman like the men in the audience You guys really respected that I could oh, yeah, of course It's it's a high character move So that the things you're talking about they said that like one of his buddies that he started out with they're like if we ever If one of us ever makes it they used to do all these cable access shows together Yeah, one of us ever makes it in Hollywood

We'll bring the other one along and like 20 years went by and then he got a Comedy Central show and on his own dime He flew that dude down. Yeah from Seattle was like help me make this show. It's not amazing Yeah, of course, you know, it'll be really neat when we die is that the the mommies that your mom's house fans will bring Different shit related items. It'll be like fake turds toilet paper They'll be like an altar. I would really not like that of like fake-duty. I really wouldn't like that. No, I know it'd be terrible Yeah, cuz we already have all of it We already have this book guys. Thanks. Thank you. Please don't bring me your fart and shit stuff. Thank you though. Yeah, very thoughtful Yeah, I won't be remembered that kindly

You don't think so not by strain not by like that many people. Yeah, like our you know my family my children Hopefully you yeah, hopefully what but how long before I'm dead before you get married again. I don't know It could be a great week could be Could be a long time could be a whole month I Could really parlay your death in some sweet Puss moving right along Are you down with this? I mean, I'm just saying like if I'm like

miss her and then you know some chicks like Listen to you blue band cackling. You're loving this. It's true. She could be like, are you saying my god? Are you so alone? Like I am alone. I just want to feel the touch of another person You're saying that Patton Oswald played it wrong. Jesus Christ. Why did you take it there? Well, that's what that was what happened to him. His wife died. You're saying he should have played the field More before I didn't say that picking. I didn't say that at all. Oh, but Well, you're you're jumping. Oh, okay. I just thought it was a good parallel. No, it's a terrible parallel But you're saying you play the field more you'd use sympathy to get laid

I'm saying Jesus What are you saying, I'm saying you're our word at number one, okay, and I'm saying that I would get a lot of pussy. Oh my god Anyways yesterday, I was at the mall. I wonder where the best place would be to get it for you Yeah, but probably the comedy club. You think so Yeah, that's where the slots are babe at the comedy club. Yeah You don't go out. You don't do anything else social. Where are you gonna go? Yeah, that's a good point Grocery store. Oh, you don't even go there. We're talking about that's true

It's the card in that shift for years Okay anyways, I was at the mall aka our country club yesterday and I Fucking saw this is crazy, dude. I saw a security guard With no legs. Yeah, like a security with a badge and then he was in a wheelchair No legs and I'm like, hey man, I'm all about equal opportunity and you know and yeah, yeah, I meant But just from a practical perspective. It's ridiculous

Like how are you gonna fucking chase ridiculous a thief or how are you gonna stop some shit in your chair? And you're fucking wheelchair symbolic job, right? That's totally ridiculous. I like and it just gets my it gets me Fired up because everybody, you know, we're all about fat models and everybody's equal and Everybody's like, no, you're not bro. Like there there's certain things. We're not all equal. It's you can't do everything Yeah, I can't I shouldn't be a bodyguard, right? Do you know what? I mean my build my strength level like What yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it's ridiculous. I mean a guy with no legs Should be able to get a job Right, but like that guy, you know of all the jobs they could give them at the mall

Right security guard would probably be dead last last last on the lineup Yeah, make them. I don't know administrative or something, right? Like sure you could even work at the orange julius Making juices. Yeah. Yeah, sure yogurt land or the information desk information desk. Where's orange julius? There you go It's the job. It's right there. That's a great job. Yeah Uh, but yeah, that's no good and um, josh potter said that he saw a little person security guard Is that you or blue band? No, there's Josh an LP security guard You know, what's also ridiculous is that I saw a guy who was also missing something. Oh my god

Um, this dude and I'm not kidding You don't see this often But he had No head And I walked behind him I hate this so much I hate you for I hate you. I fucking hate that you post this because then I thought about it all day

He has no head, babe. He has no head and I walked behind him I took photos I took videos I posted it and people were like you're an asshole And I was like why and they're like, well this guy's disabled. I'm like, no, he just doesn't have a head Just walks around with no head. I mean look You can play this video. Oh my god. That's in the lobby there Poof So terrifying to see terrible from behind that is terrible

It's uh, I looked it up. It's dropped head syndrome. Oh my fucking Christ He's from the weakened muscles in his neck because he's looking down at his iPhone for too many years. Probably. Yeah I think maybe with him at something else But yeah, that is the most depressing thing I've ever seen. Yeah, but he never misses a quarter never Never stumbles That never trips over a crack in the sidewalk Nope, that guy's just would you

Oh god's gonna punish you now. Yeah, you made fun of it too far. So girl too far Oh, you're going straight to hell. I uh, I set the picture to my dad. We're gonna play this at your memorial by the way When cigarette dies, this is the clip and we'll be like he's in hell Rest in hell my dad just wrote no head. Just a question mark Like like it was a legit question. I was like, yeah, and he was like, oh Like that guy has no head. Mm-hmm Can I tell you of all the I mean look man aging is horse stop What you're going to hell bro, you're fucking straight there. Yeah

Oh Oh god, you gotta straighten my back right now. I started sitting so straight after this shit I did I was I was even looking at my phone after this and I was like I Right That's rough I mean look aging is fucking brutal as it is but then when you got something like this going on Oh my life. Are you see old people with like the hunch in their back? I mean look at that still right now. Fuck

Look at that Life is not fair Life is brutal. Yeah Hey, this guy still has the Like, you know the character and the desire to go out, right? Oh, I would be a shut-in. Is there nothing you can do. I would be a shut-in. You can't prop that up Yeah And then you just put a brace on at least

I don't have what causes that just years of poor posture. I don't know No You're the worst person in the world. Why babe, what? This is bad. Oh, it's so it's so horrible. You got to show this picture. Life is so horrible How unfair is life? I know it's terrible I seriously though if this happened to me, I would just be a shut-in like I would I would just why lock myself in a room and cry all day long I'm so shallow and weak inside like I don't have this spirit to live try it for a second. Nope

I don't want to curse it. Just look down. No, just look down. No You get head scratches all day. I know I have a cavity and I start crying. It's great to get scratched my own head easily Yeah, just do this. Well, also other people would just think you wonder Because you would just walk up and they would see the top of your head and they'd be like, hey, how you doing? You'd be like, this feels good. I love that. I love that mark around Why does it affect my speech? Why do I talk like your sister? Oh my god

Why does he drink and eat because you have to tilt your oh, he's fine It's just a gag. He was just doing this for a lot. He saw that there were kids around He's like, you want to see his kids freak out and then This should be the poster for don't spend so much time on your phone. It really should It should we should show this to my children immediately. Yeah, you're cruel. Can we take this down? I don't want to make fun. Oh my god You're the cruelty champ not me. You're the one making fun of his posture. You posted this shit on instagram I did it to make a point to look up and sit straight All right posture is important everybody

Okay That was good. Yeah Anyways bigger talking points. We started a house of farts. We caught up on I gotta tell you We were the biggest house of cards fans for those of you Um, they've been listening to show for a few years. So they you know, there was the big scandal Kevin spacey. What did he end up doing? Did we find out for sure? Did I put on deodorant today? You asked me as we left the house, babe Oh god, god Jesus

It was we have to have ali get me some deodorant. I can't do this all day sweating I mean the whole just the image when I just saw It doesn't smell but it doesn't smell like my deodorant. I just turn and I just see Yeah, I need to put something there Oh, stop it. My whole life is watching you smell your fingers. I feel like all day I'm watching you either twist your nuts or smell your fingers. I do it one time in 15 years Oh, that's one of my fingers. I gotta I need deodorant. I'm gonna text Ali Oh my god, I can't I can't go without deodorant. Anyway, Kevin spacey was accused of harassing

Men on set and then he was accused of sexually assaulting men young men both many years ago and then Yeah, minors and one kid at a party and then another kid at a restaurant and anyways, it's a lot of alleged sexual Misconduct, okay, and then he was fired From house of cards and they still made the final season without him and I gotta tell you They should bring them back. No that guy. They're like, I don't care who he touched. He's so good talent that show fucking sucks without him

No, I disagree. I I'm enjoying it. I'm into it. It took me a minute to get used to it without him He's enjoying a good god. He's an amazing character guy actor I like Claire. I like seeing her world more and her figuring out the world without him I would allow him to fondle me to to bring this to do a scene with him Like if they're like you can do a scene with Kevin spacey, but he's gonna fondle you. I'd be like, all right, would you let him What would you let him do? What are the options? I mean, would you let him put his mouth on you on your peener? Sure Seriously, I told you anybody could do that. I don't care

anybody anybody Fondle your beans Sure. Poke your beehull Beehull any beehull beehull is kind of here's the thing about the beehull Is like I just keep thinking about that physical I got and uh, it is fucking rough Yeah, but the doctor's more vigorous with you. I don't know. There was a lot of chocolate in there. He had to get no He didn't It's all hard. He didn't

He didn't. Yeah. No, I was mushy. I remember he was like you need to wipe up Yeah Gross anyways, but I'll tell you something. I like it. Uh, spacey he really does Or a great actor just elevates something so much that it stood out I was so excited to finally because we I don't know. We got distracted. We didn't watch I started watching Episode one of the final season and I realized like 20 30 minutes and I was zoning out. I wasn't even paying attention. Well You're also not

Right No, no, I understand it's it's different. I like it though. I mean, you do like it. Yeah, I'm sticking with it I mean, I like to see how she navigates the world without him and maybe I'll give another shot But I will say that everything because there's a lot of preposterous ridiculous shit in that show Yeah, and when you have like an unbelievable actor, it actually grounds it. Yes. Yes. Because this is the silliness. Yeah He's just fucking. I don't know He's uh, he should have done what he allegedly did Allegedly allegedly of course you have to say allegedly

Yeah Yeah, um You remember uh Yesterday on the way to the memorial. Why are you bringing this up when I farted in the car? Yeah, I do fucking remember it That was terrible Your fart can I tell you what was really bad about it? Is that I don't know how you managed to do it But your fart smelled like The bathroom and lax

You know when you go and everyone's taking their shits and then the smell of like 10 stranger international dumps makes one horrendous smell Because somebody just landed from Des Moines other guys from new deli in hong kong. They all shit together Yes, and then it smells like one horrendous smell. It did it did it did It's like a public restroom. It was so cool the airport. It was really rare and really special. It wasn't cool What walk me through what you ate to get that? Yesterday Was a good day I made fitness I had eggs

In the morning Piece of bacon. Okay, you're not being not being honest coming. You're not I am Oh, and then I had that seafood that that's what it is. That's what it was That's what it was a mixed seafood dish for lunch. It had like a little piece of salmon shrimp Uh calamari all grilled And um, yeah far did it smell like people were in my asshole dying. Okay Um

Let's uh, let's explore the new member The cool guy club The guitar is everything. There's a guy who's actually part of the rich guy club. That's your sweat My bad. I didn't realize how rich he was um, this guy Is so badass Oh boy, you haven't seen this dude yet, right? No, I don't know. I don't know who this is His name is michael. Is that right? Right? Isn't it michael? Yeah

and this dude Is he's gotta be I would say in his fifties And he's just posting pics of himself With money with girls like i'm getting my dick suck um, here's the amount of Sympathy I have for you broke bitches money made michael. He He died his beard in that picture

Yeah, he looks awesome. Here's a picture of him where he says it's a new night Which means a new pussy to be bought. Okay, baller baller got new shoes. He's rocking jordan This dude is 50. He probably weighs about two 90 to three 15 Oh, that's flattering Help. I'm at a girl's house and her boyfriend just came home He's always out there doing scandalous shit, but he's uh, he's always pretty happy, you know

um, he gets he gets I don't know. Do you have any of the other, uh Fids or photos? Oh, yeah, we could go to his uh, uh, do you want to read some of these? Yeah, read some of these are what he's saying to other people, right? So he's like international women's day and tribute Of this day, I will go and support female sex workers near me. That's pretty cool Black and latinian ladies do it best. Okay So you're ugly and broke tough life Praying for you virgins before I go to sleep

It's always the people with no money talking shit about me So that's some of his tweets Yeah, how'd you tell us how you found this guy while I pulled up his twitter? How I found him. Yeah Uh, I just I happen he's a lot of his tweets, you know for not having like a huge social media presence A lot of his tweets get like A lot of retweets and likes, you know like pretty substantial Um, I think he just died that beer. That beer looks really good. Um, He's got a stack of cash next to his head on his twitter banner. Yeah, which is kind of neat

The big white cracker in action I wonder what kind of office he works at because he's always posting from the office. Yeah Yeah I've been scoring so much of the ladies. I might say fuck it and play for both teams. Okay, so talking about Sucking some dicks there What's this here? What are we seeing here? This is what does it say in the caption though? Can you read it? I got the cheese. I got the cheddar you little broke boys could never boss up

um Can you make that picture bigger by any chance? This guy is a baller. I mean is that cash though? I don't know. I don't know. It's a cheese burger. No, that's cheese. It's a stack. I can't see. I can't see the It's a like american. I got you. So he's he's making his cheddar joke. That's what's up, dude. Yeah. Yeah, he's cool. Shit I mean, he's cute his clothes fit real nice. I like his facial hair Smiling at my haters. That's a good attitude to have though. It is and I'm not hating for the record I'm not hating. I feel like this dude is but see you know saying not

Now here's what he know he got his watches Is that swag attracts the ladies? That's right. You know, you got to put it out there like hey I'm a fucking baller I have an expensive things That's how you get it. That's how you get the right girl. That's right I'm not saying that's going to attract wife material, but it's going to attract lady. Oh Oh, shit. There's a picture of him in a gi like in a karate, you know outfit

It's his young me training to beat the pussy up beat the pussy up. I mean, he definitely has a good sense of humor Yeah, I'll give him that. Oh stacks stacks of grill He's got a grill. He's holding money. He's put money in a seat belt in the car. Yeah Look at that shit But there's more there's more it gets better. It actually gets better Can it oh, he's got an eyepatch here. What happened just because my eye is messed up doesn't mean my penises Hashtag love my wife I don't know. I don't understand what's happening there. Um, how about this one?

This is him wearing an eyepatch stupid bitch from last night sat on my face and didn't even watch yourself This is the second time this has happened He's in the hospital there. I see that. I think he's saying that Someone's vagina gave his eye an infection. Is that what I'm supposed to Be too short left this It's a bitch button. It's amazing. Yeah Um, it's amazing. How about this one? Uh, no, thanks. You can read that you can't tell but my penis is getting sucked on right now

And it's just a photo of him sitting on the edge of the bed. Yeah chest up It's pretty cool That's him showing that ridiculous kiosk watch um Stop questioning my wealth Look at his old school phone Money Getting a phone call from my bitch. Yeah stacks of hundos. Are those is that real money? Tommy? Yeah, I think that's money. Yeah

Although if it's the uh amount that he says it is those Those bands would be a little more full But whatever. Yeah, he's having fun. He's rich. This one is ridiculous Gonna gonna go buy a sandwich and he's got a black visa card and he's just showing you that debit. Oh, it's a debit card Is that something like the rich guy club? Oh, shit. Yeah now we went from cool guys to rich guys rich guy club. He's super rich. Okay Nothing like that early morning sex

And he's got an arrangement with his wife because that was like a lady at the sink who was not this lady I don't know what that was bro. He's just like, oh, I just fucked this chick. I don't know what that's about Check this out. He looks good there Gonna go buy some pussy. It's so weird It's so weird. It's like the captions all wrong It's hilarious. You know what I'm saying like the the caption on that picture should be like gonna mow the lawn Yeah, yeah, it's hilarious going back to this the shake shack like it should not say that Yeah, I'm eating more than I should today. Yeah

cheeseburgers all day this is You poor people can't do Stuff like me And he's at his sink. Oh, he's burning money. He's burning a hundred dollar bill I don't know why people do that. I know it's silliness. That's just disrespectful. Yeah. Yeah. Why would you do that? Wow, because he has all that money tom. I know but it's just so fucking upsetting I know instead of a hundred dollar bill on fire the fuck man

Okay, this is this is girl, but the music's probably gonna play on this. So don't play that But yeah, he's in the car Uh, he spent my day with her. I don't know the guy in the back. She says it's a friend. That's hilarious And there's a kid in the back. Yeah, he's just driving a chick who's like having fun singing and dancing to a video She's got to be 30 years younger than him. Yeah It's always cool to involve children in your nonsense. Yeah. Yeah So what is his handle by the way the president of the rich guy club? It is Michael daddy 51

So he's into that sugar daddy life though. This could be your future Me time out if I if you know if I'm gone or something this guy. Well, I'm saying this is a hunter too. Don't test me Yeah, but I'm saying this could be and like end up the kind of thing you're doing is like going out with a sugar daddy It's really good. I like where you're going with this. And what do you think? But here's the thing I'm not sure I'm his type. Well, maybe you're not his type I used to be so skinny. He posted. Well, he was rocking the same style though. That's like 10 years ago I know, but it's like the same style. I mean, that's yeah, it's not like a new thing that he's embraced The the facial hair is exactly the same. It's got the gold chain on looks good. It was a good look then

It's a great look now. That's true. That is true So you're saying that I should go for the sugar daddy route In case you rolly on my wrist jordan's on my feet. Oh boy This dude is insane I love it. I don't think I'd make a good sugar baby tom. Oh dear. I can't handle this at your girl's house. She says hi All right, so he's got the grill in let's see. Let's see the uh, this right here No That's a nice grill. I mean

Think maybe a dermatologist Yeah blotchy. He needs to get a skin or it could just be alcoholism Maybe but look dude, you're definitely killing the game. I mean, he's got hose. He's got money He's got jordan's. He's got diamonds in his mouth. He's killing it for sure When I'm in love, I can't think straight. Oh now he's in love. Shit. No Damn, I didn't realize that goddamn Do you think you could love him for money? Could you love to get some head? Wow

Look, it's worth checking out if you're listening to the show. Give us the handle again Yeah, it's uh, it's michael daddy 51. It's worth a follow. It is worth a comment He is Really enjoying life. I don't think I'm his type, babe. I think he likes. No, you're not you're not the type I know I'm saying but that type of I wish I were his type. He seems like he's a really cool guy He is a cool guy, but I'm saying I'm saying you might need a sugar daddy at some point Yeah, and would you be open to that arrangement if it's the right guy? Yeah

Yeah, it just takes you shopping. That's all I care about But that's the thing I you know me and my handbag problem and my I love expensive stuff Yeah, I love that Can I say that it's such a crazy thing that people that they do that it is pretty crazy, you know, really, um With too short here. I was still blown away that hookers don't get paid cash. They just get paid in stuff Yeah, I was like what I don't want to have fucking handbag I want health insurance, bro I want a house

I don't give give me fucking stuff. You don't want stuff at all. I don't want stuff, bro Give me like security real real. Yeah, maybe I could find a sugar daddy that would do that Yes Would you be a sugar baby? Would I be yeah for a rich lady an older unattractive rich lady. I kind of like the idea Really? Yeah, you would do it. Okay, but You've got to stay super fit because that's the job. Here's the problem with being a sugar baby Your whole life revolves around pleasing your sugar daddy

So your days are spent working out keeping yourself looking nice catering to his or her needs Yeah, you have to think about them constantly. That's true. Well, that's your job, but that's your full-time gig. Is that person? I'm really not, uh No, you can't I can't do I'd rather live in the gutter too. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, first of all if she's like Hey, what's up with that gut? I'm like, I mean I fucking worked out today. She's like, well, maybe do it again. I'll be like, no, no, no, no I'm not doing that. She'd be so abusive. Well, me too. What's up with those hangy tits. I'm like, I have two kids Well, they would pull your tits up for you. I don't want to do it though. I kind of don't want to have surgery Yeah, for that. It seems crazy. Doesn't it? Yeah, I mean, you know to put like but sugar daddy wants to do bags of

Sailing in your chest. That's what he likes. That's what he likes. I know and I have to do it so, um, one thing that we can, um Talk about here. Go ahead. Is that uh, I remember how you uh Were licking your lips at the Laker game. Yeah, so they're not gonna be in the post season. They're not. What? Oh, yeah, what are you talking about? They're not good enough so But this off season. Yeah, they're doing Some stuff to kind of keep

The fans interested fans like yourself So they they put out this video Um, and you can see whether you want to go to some of their off season activities. Let's see I love it So i'm talking about Look at where is this let's go. Look at that swing. I love it. Is it Jamaica? Are you seeing I'm seeing I love it. This is what i'm talking about. This is why I love Laker games It is a dick dance. I know I love it. Finally. I love it

I'm i'm bored. Let's go All right, well how much is airfare? Where is this? These guys are those of you guys listening They're wearing loose Fitting sweat shorts and the whole thing is they just dance and their dick just swings around. I love it and you can see How enormous their dicks are and they all have is this gonna get flagged for the song? No, no, no, we'll be all right. Okay Um, I'm out of mind the dicks. I just want the song getting away Tom, yeah, where is the dicks wing competition? This is uh at the Lakers facility. Is it the stable center?

Yeah, this is no. This is in El Segundo. I love this. We're going immediately. See, this is why I want those Floor seats at the Laker games. This is all they do. That's what happens. I get my face slapped as they walk by They run by but the Lakers need to start wearing looser fitting shorts and then I'm at every game They know that too. They know that. Of course. They know that Do you mind if I ask you a funny question? So I have a funny question to ask you guys. I'm not sure that's the right word. Yeah, um, it's pretty cool though The it's really great. I have a funny question to ask you guys. I will bother less of the house for you guys Um, all right

I'm going to take a break here in a moment. Um, we're gonna get funny come back with guests All right Your mom's house will be right back And we're back with uh a very highly anticipated guests that we are super excited about. We were teasing this earlier Um, the roast master general jeff ross. Thank you so much for coming The best we were talking earlier about last night and uh, what a beautiful night it was And I didn't want to even spoil it because it was so amazing That you know people would get up there and they would

You know tell stories about brody and it was childhood friends childhood baseball coach roommate from college And these guys are saying, you know nice things and Telling you some kind of funny anecdotal side stuff, but then it was beautiful. No I cried I cried during zack. He opened the whole thing up and I cried But what I'm saying is that like, you know Story wise they're like, you know, uh brody used to come over and he would have dinner with us sometimes, you know And then you got up there and you opened the

The memorial your memorial time with what did you say I said um After hearing all these Childhood friends speak today. I'm starting to understand why brody killed him I almost fucking fell down out of my chair that place exploded Every comic is but you know, we were all sitting in a row together burkreicher tom Brian sickler brian everybody just it was a great crowd. It was an eruption When me oh everybody died I was in the back

Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for his college roommate and literally this guy did half an hour Yeah, he was he went along. You know, I mean, I noticed the main room at the comedy store. Yeah They only turned the lights on for the comics. I noticed that all the civilians they didn't like they didn't put a light on comics had lights on Yeah, oh really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I was looking right up at it and Yeah, they didn't turn it on for any civilians. Sorry before we go on there is a fart mic In case you have to get a fart a fart mic. Oh, that's good to know. Yeah, especially drinking all this coffee with your new coffee machine. He's Oh man, are you gonna fart? I don't know brody would have would have really liked that. No, hold on false alarm. Oh my god

I'm sorry back to what we were saying Um anyways, and then right after you said it they played the sound drop Um of brody saying was it like you get it or he gets it So it doubled the laugh Yeah, it doubled the laugh. No, you gave us fun. You gave a great speech, man. Thanks. Thank you. You're made for that You should do more eulogies and stuff. You know, I really do kill with funerals for some reason and I don't know why I remember going as a young comic to see I was so honored and I got invited to hennie youngman's funeral And then later milton burrell's funeral and I went up speaking at buddy hackett's funeral and

I Realized like that those those moments is when you can really cut through people's agony Yeah, and you got to do it. We have almost have a responsibility when they ask you as a comedian Even if it's a tough one Yeah spoken to some are tougher than others obviously if you're really close to the person sure But yeah, man, you were really close with hackett, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we were like, uh, we were like real good pals I did not know this how did that come about buddy hackett if you don't know him He was a cat skills

New york comedian that talked out of the side of his mouth And I met him. Uh, he was in herby the lovebug movie. Yeah in the 50s He was in it's a mad mad mad mad world and he had sitcoms But he was a huge nightclub comic and vagus an Atlantic city act You know making a couple hundred thousand a week in the 80s, you know Fuck right and he would come to the friars club in new york to the roast And he befriended me after a roast just thought it was funny and Invited me out. Well the first time I actually met him was in an elevator at the friars club

I got in the elevator I was going to play poker with greg fit Simmons and elon gold and I wasn't even a member of this friars club yet It was like a showbiz club in new york and he tapped he tapped you up right away, didn't he? He must have seen you and said something. No, he he got in the elevator And I was just wearing my one good blazer. Here we go You're gonna fart silent. It's quiet Wow, you got the timing of a suicide bomber Talking about my dead friend

Guys, I can't control the biology. All right. Sorry. Go ahead. You're talking about your dead friend It's funny that you've farted because He got on the elevator, buddy and he looked and I said mr. Hackett I'm such a huge fan My parents you were their favorite comedian and I'm a comedian and it's such an honor to meet you and I shook his hand And he shook my hand and he looked me in the eyes and said, you know who hates farts the most? midgets They live at ass height

And the elevator door opened. I didn't see him again for a year And then he befriended me at the steven sagal roast. I really killed and uh It was my first roast My opening joke there was pretty good, too What was it? I realized a lot of you don't know me, but I feel uniquely qualified to be here today because I'm also a shitty actor Was sagal uh game was he uh, like no not really he doesn't seem like he would he was reasonably game

But I don't think he got it all and yeah, you know, there's a lot of stories about him not being cool Yeah a lot and and it was a wonderful night where Milton burrow and buddy hackett sort of adopted me and I improvised with them and during the roast. That was my first roast back when they really couldn't get people and And then buddy said gave me his phone number wrote it down and said next time you're in Los Angeles come Look me up and I took it took me a year to call him and I finally called him and I went over for brunch sat in his backyard and

He was like a mentor but in a weird way He was like a big kid too and I was like an old man even when I was like 30 Yeah, this was a long time ago and we were like brothers sort of met in the middle somewhere. It was fun I try out all my jokes on him and he was a great sounding board and comedy was like number Five on the list of stuff. He was an expert on he knew everything about relationships and politics and religion and he collected guns and he He's just an interesting dude. I like old guys too. Yeah, I can I can hang out with old people. Yeah, I love it

Yeah, it's more fun. I like, um, we were just talking about this like really old sexist guys like old white guys Oh, yeah We were saying you were hanging out with a friend of ours Yeah, the dad and he was like, what's that thing in a skirt abroad? Yeah, yeah like that kind of stuff Yeah, it's just like it feels like you're stepping into a time machine a little bit kind of it makes me laugh I don't know. They also like I mean they want you those guys always want you to joke Yeah, you know, they're down for a good time. Oh, yeah, they're fun. Yeah, they're just fun

And they live like it's our last day on earth. They'll fuck with around with the waitress till you go with a guy in My grandfather used to My grandfather was so crazy. I used to live with my grandfather after college And he was a retired construction worker. Um, I'm wearing his ring. So I think about him all the time I tap it on metal as a bolt from a nazi submarine That he took off in world war two when he was in the u.s. Coast Guard. He made a ring out of it Anyway, he used to he just he was so fearless when he got to be about in his late 70s There was this route 22 it through union new jersey near where we live this highway

And you know, yeah, all the shops were like in the middle lanes He'd have to do u-turns to get to the other place. He's and this is a highway. He would he would he If somebody was annoying in front of him or wouldn't go he would bump them Oh my god, he just didn't care He just didn't care. He wasn't gonna hurt anybody but he just he would bump people with his fender just bump into their Car in front of him. Just to fuck with that's other level. Yeah. Yeah, he's the best. Yeah He was so funny

He used to stare. Well, there's a diner diner on route 22 I think it's called the lido. I forgot and um We'd sit in the diner eating our breakfast and he'd look out at the window at his bank across the highway across this three-lane highway And he on the sunday. He'd let he'd be like does that there's a door look unlocked It's like I got over 300 dollars in there. He was like, it's just funny guy They left the door of the bank open. He's worried about his 300. That's so funny Yeah, I I couldn't hang out like hanging out with my friend's dad

Who's in his 70s was like it was a it was a thrill like every every other line was a fucking You know inappropriate thing to say nobody says anymore. Yeah, I miss inappropriate. Yeah, but and it's also the source of saying it Because that you know, it's an old guy. Yeah. He's not saying it really to be malicious. He's just being himself I wonder if we'll still be funny when we're old think about it. Don't you think about it? I mean, there must be some secret to staying relevant or at least staying funny Yeah, because you see a lot of old people they their jokes become corny or They're so rich or they're lazy. They don't they kind of lose their edge. You'd have insight into this What's the secret? I think I think either have it or you don't kind of a thing

I feel like if you don't lose the internal struggle you stay funny. Yeah, true you get too comfortable Yeah, you get boring at the very least or you just become Um, I don't know why are why are police records better than stings records? Yeah, what happens when you get successful? How do you keep it going? Why was jone rivers hilarious? Amazing when maybe other people make it to 80 and their jokes are like, huh? Yeah. Yeah Dude wild shit and I got to see her like a couple years before she passed And man, she was saying shit that nobody was saying like she was brave

And you're like, that's what it is. That's where it should be You just say wild shit And I think there's such a license to ill the older you get like don't you feel like you give a fuck far less the older? I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna die soon. Like I feel like I'm 42 now And I'm like, I don't have that much time left really maybe 30 good years. Maybe maybe all y'all. I don't give a fuck Who's gonna remember this shit? Who's gonna care? Somebody will care Maybe But it's not why part of the reason you do the podcast you do the stand-up you do the specials you want to leave some sort of legacy

No, because I don't think people do remember like I feel like I mean, how many people know who buddy hack it is and that guy was just here Millions he died 2003. Yeah Carlin, I mean people already are I feel like forgetting. Well, I mean he still has definitely millions of fans Oh, he's the best but for sure. Anyway, I think you're I think we're both right in this case people forget quickly Yeah, they do but there's but the people that were the people who care were affected by it. Yeah, who you know who It's like took in what you did for sure. I remember like it. Yeah

One day you'll have a podcast studio named after you. It'll be a statue. It'll be your head instead of that fucking dog right there But dude, I was going to tell you this because I've always been a big fan of yours I remember seeing you thanks when I was starting out doing stand-up Tom, I'm a fan of this too and a meat now I'm at a stoplight in a white Portion far too far for you're a fan one fart for not a fan. Yeah, I'm working on it White Porsche Boxster. Was that a car? Yeah, see I remember seeing you. Wow in the stoplight at a stoplight. Wow That's Jeff Ross right there. Wow. Yeah, I was pretty I was pretty early in stand-up and then

And then you were very very nice. I had a lot of anxiety on the first night of oddball and I saw you in the coffee shop and at the hotel And you know, I I kind of expressed it to you and then I didn't says I didn't know you really I was like Well, who knows if like how you're gonna take it like you could be like, you know, we'll stop being a bitch or something Right. All right. Cool. Thanks, man. But you were very nice about it. You actually really I I was more anxious than I was letting on And you really talked me down in the nicest way

It was a big crowd you had to follow a big act And I also had a bad experience at one of the amp with the like bad meaning like I just didn't enjoy it, right? But that's nice. That's yeah, that's a that's a side from the fact that like you talk about like, how do you stay doing it? Don't you feel like I I always feel like you're the guy who's coming up with these most creative ways To do Like everyone does a special where it's like I come out and I just you know, this is my act and you're like, all right That's what a stand-up special is

But you've taken like a spin on it and done, you know, you did one at the border wall. You've done them in jail Yeah, you know, you're always pushing it though. You're always, you know bumping mics Is like all it's all different. Yeah, you know, I don't know maybe one day I should do a regular one and see how things work out But I mean what why why do you maybe I'll get a wife in a podcast There you go. Why do you think you do it that way? I mean was that planned to like it's got to be different It can't just be a special, you know, I think it wasn't the specials It was my act that was starting to evolve where like I wanted to keep roasting but I didn't want to be Predictable and I didn't want to repeat myself

And I wanted roasting to become broader because I I was I was loving it. Yeah, and It became where I just didn't want to do regular stand-up anymore audiences We're getting more and more rambunctious and the internet and social media was causing Me to be more interactive with my audience anyway, and I feel like I started bringing people up on stage and speed roasting them and that's kind of how it started And once it became about the audience for the second half of my show I was like, huh Well, who's the best person to roast? How about like guys in orange jumpsuits? That might be funny. Yeah

And then you go, how about women in orange jumpsuits? And how about how about the next one? I roast cops on the job or were these ever tough cells like when you would pitch this very difficult really not just to comedy central but to you know my team obviously and and And you know the jails themselves and the police precincts and the The border towns like wherever I go. It's got it gets easier, but the ideas get harder. So It's a little bit of a catch-22 where You want to keep taking big swings, but it doesn't get any easier. Right. You're supposed to get easier. I remember in the jail one Uh

Something about in in that where you they told you they're like, oh We told the guys like if they were to act up for like the last six months and they couldn't come to the show Right. Yeah, and so then everyone was on good behaviors and helped right and then we also told we also made all the murderers sit like up front yeah It was a safety issue. Yeah, uh the the the Jail administrator Wayne Dickey at brazos county jail in texas said Well, we're ready for you. I said i'm ready to come. Can I come soon? And he goes well

Can we delay in a month because I want to use this to incentivize good behavior? Oh, that's cool. That makes sense. Yeah, I guess so you get something out of it The jail gets something out of it And uh and then when I got there we had a safety meeting I said, isn't there aren't we having a safety meeting? He goes. No, there's not much for you to know. We got it all You're in our hands I go well, there's a guy with a gun behind no no guns in her jail Huh, so how does this work?

And you know, they didn't want to tell me too much because they didn't want me to be nervous But I said like well basically they let on that Oh, here's what happened On the first I did two shows On the first show I said where my murder is that kind of is a joke And three guys in the front row raised their hand And I took a step back like surprise and we had a you know that show went And I in between shows I said to the to Wayne. I said

Why are the murderers up front? He goes. Oh, well, that's the safest place for them to be I said, why? He goes. Well, if anything happens, they're the closest to the we we can get at them But they're also the closest to me they go. Yes, but we can get you out easier too If these are the guys that are most likely to fight they're the most likely to You know those are the ones we went in the front But yet in the balcony the farthest way in the corner are the guys with the swastikers on their stomachs and chest

Jesus, so it was there was no real like Easy breezy spot in that room Is there like a kind of relief leaving though? Even like you have fun doing the show or you're like Kind of good to be out of there when you wrap. Yeah, I mean I I definitely took a couple of big deep breaths Walking in and walking out of that place. It's a ballsy idea, man I mean, weren't you afraid were you ever afraid always afraid? Yeah, you're like this could go if I make a swastika joke about the guy in the back with the swastika I wasn't even sure

And you don't want to humiliate anybody so they all have to be volunteers more or less to come to the show Yeah, and I did make a speech at the end saying everything I said is a joke and You know if I called some guy a nickname or a funny joke name that shouldn't stick You know like I didn't want somebody to be bullied Right in the wrong way that I was Roasting because roasting is is anti bullying. You know, that's how I started roasting was When I was getting bullied as a kid that's what I'm making fun of the bully and then he left me alone Yeah, and he was not verbal bully. He was like hitting me and pushing people around

But yeah, I felt real good leaving. I mean I was there for a week in that particular instance You know, but I also was like I felt really lucky the whole time that I did have a ticket out of there because You know, he sold a few joints in high school. I could have gotten busted I had the advantage of being white. I had the advantage of being careful, you know, yeah and not doing it for too long But we all do dumb shit when we're kids and yeah, not all of us but most of us and yeah Oh, I did shoplifting and of course Breaking people's mailboxes and egging things and but do you find that I mean look because I as a female comedian

What looks like he's hearing this for the first time. Oh, you never heard that smashing mailboxes. Yeah, I was kind of angry as a teenager Um, I find as a as a lady I get away with a lot of shit on stage Yeah, nobody expects me to say anything or do anything So when I and I can fucking pick on people And it's what are they gonna do hit a woman? But for you, do you find that because you're a man? Dude, some guy could fucking come after you after a show and be like, what's up funny guy I feel like that's always happened growing up in New Jersey like starting out comedy in New Jersey, New York You didn't need to even be a rose guy any comment any

I mean, I saw a guy take a swing at John Stuart once Oh Very early in our careers and I saw a guy came on stage once twice in my early career and just pulled the mic out of my hand You know, it's imitating people. Yeah, I mean I had that roasty instinct But none of the skill to back it up and none of the reputation was just I was just some fucking jerk Yeah You know, I was missing a lot, you know trying and And then, you know, even like at the jail for instance

I wasn't even always worried about Insulting someone and pissing them off because that would be in front of everybody I was worried about the whole week I was there or when I brought people on stage to get speed roasted somebody who premeditated Just wanting to be a showoff. Yeah, you're right. You're in there for life. Anyway. Hell, let's shank this Goofy guest. Yeah, I'll be a legend around here. Let me just put him in a headlock for five seconds Let me just punch him in the face and it'll be hilarious forever Like that's more what I'm worried about. I was worried about you got me worried about it right now But there's a there's a real trust factor between me like myself

The inmates and the and the jailers and it all worked out. Okay What is your best because I mean, I'm definitely not my lane, but what is your best? Uh advice for people who are like, oh, how do I get good at roasting? You know, what do you tell people? Well, at the level I'm at, I feel like listening is the part that I really have to concentrate on and and you can't take for granted Hmm, you know, what's what's coming at you and your reactions to that is really important like I'll ask somebody that, you know, I had a lady on stage This weekend

Um, she hobbled up on stage to get speed roasted with her husband. I take volunteers from the audience I don't pick them. They pick they they volunteer and this lady hobbled up on stage with crutches and she had half a leg missing So to me, it's not Me starting off with a bunch of Jokes it's about going like So this is your husband. How long you two been married, you know and let her kind of get into it so that my reactions are roasty Right not necessarily starting. Yeah, look at your fucking bitch. Yeah. Yeah, that usually backfires when you

Fire first that's interesting. But I let her sort of, you know pun walk into it a little bit Yeah, yeah, and then once I got to know her and I saw her haircut and her outfit I was like, you know losing you half your leg is like number five on the shit that's fucked up about you And by then, you know, she's heaving over her tits are bouncing up and down She's convulsing with laughter and her husband is just falling on the floor because that's awesome. They don't you know Disabled people sadly are never normalized. They're always treated so differently. So I think she was looking for some Some heat she wanted to laugh at her predicament. Yeah And she had cancer and and when I finally asked her what happened, you know

She was young enough to be like a veteran of the war but you don't see many female amputees So I said, you know, what you want to tell us what happened or something that effect? and she said she has cancer and and And the audience kind of you know felt for her and I hugged her and I asked her how she's feeling now. She said she's feeling great And then this other this weirdo lady standing along the line They get waiting to get speed roasted who I already made fun of for five minutes just some wacko lady

like Who was just like trying to fill me up and smacking me and just a just a nut job from the audience um Just ran down the stage and hugged her And I said, all right. Well now you survive cancer now you have AIDS So, you know Just like letting the audience kind of come to you a little bit right really helps with the rose So you use your reaction

Basically, you really just got to hold your tongue. You know, you might have an idea But sometimes the audience will do the setup and you just have to do the punch line. Yeah, that's that's good advice, man What's the one that line? He said man in the bumping mics There are some those she was wearing like a hawaiian shirt The fuck did you say to her you're like get back on the cruise or thank you for coming from the cruise It was so because they did they look like they just got out of like some fucking cruise ship What are you doing? I can't remember exactly. I think I called doing an astronaut's wife Yeah, and then Dave said that he had to drop her off at the uh

At the carnival cruise ship or something, you know, like once I started they will knock it down or you know The astronaut's wife? Oh No sound effects. That's all real. That's all real Is that register? Yeah, yeah, we got it. All right. Good job. And the Emmy for best fart That was great worked on one thing about first of all, if you guys haven't seen bumping mics with uh, jeff ross and david I'm not bumping that mic. No, don't bump that one No

Because this smells real too. Yeah, thanks the uh The There's very it's very rare that you know as comics you watch more than like I watch like five minutes of specials I see how it opens starts. Yeah, we ripped through both of my I love that. God damn it I was like man, this is so fucking funny. I love that man dying We love you guys just like you're the you know our favorite comics and then I don't know watching the the You camaraderie all that was great the one thing that I was like Holy shit that I can't even wrap my head around

Is that you eat before shows? Like that's one thing I came What do you mean? Because out of the nerves because I get how funny he is. Yeah, I mean, you know great comic But I'm sitting there like I can't believe how he's eating right now And he's like eating before shows eating on stage At one point I ordered mozzarella sticks to the yeah, can you eat before right before a show? I do yeah, I have to otherwise. I'll be hungry. Yeah. Yeah. You can eat a hearty meal I can't I won't have like steak and potatoes. I have to have a little something. Oh, that'd be a warm-up for him

Right. Oh, but you're doing like steak and potatoes I like to if I'm doing two shows or a big long thing Especially with a tell where I gotta like run around and keep up with them. I need my carbs Like food doesn't slow me down. It fuels me really food and coffee I need carbs and coffee carbs and caffeine Oh, oh, I can't drink. No, I can't drink. I can't drink. You can't drink No, I can't drink before I go on an important show I did have a sip of tequila before I went on last night at Brody's memorial

But for the most part if it's a show where I'm I gotta be on my game and people are paying to see me. It's all carbs and caffeine I'd rather be a little hungry than full at all. Oh, I like being full and now I love a post-show feast I love it. Of course. I feasted last but you know, yeah, I eat before and after Yeah, I'm all enduring with the months. I don't do really do drugs. I'm not a big drinker. I mean food is the thing No, yeah, me too. I just I mean I don't know. I always feel like whenever every time I've eaten like anything of substance On stage. I'm like, like I want to burp. I'm feel like right. Yeah. I feel like I can't really burp the whole time

You don't feel like a performer up there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll feel Now I have to ask you this All these roasts and it's so fucking hard To write by the way, elastic. Sorry Christina. Yes, my love one last thing about that just as far as food and my shows go Yeah, you guys will appreciate that's work in the road I still hold the tempi improv record for food sales. Really? I have the fattest fans Really? I do appreciate that. Sorry you guys No disrespect to Ralphie May rest in peace

Who sold the most tater tots in a weekend there? They told me once but I sold the most food sales Dude, that's you need part of that back ends. You're gonna have to renegotiate. Oh, we're all good. Don't worry tempi They let me have three hamburgers to go that night. Oh, wow. Wow. My back end is fine Okay, it's a good deal. It's my front end. It's getting a little Um, but anyway, I was gonna ask you about writing rose jokes. I mean It's just the hardest especially because you're like The big dog in that, you know, you're the guy that comes up with the real zingers. So How do you fucking do the thing? How do you know to write the joke that no one's gonna fucking do?

How do you do it? Yeah, you're the big dog. What do you mean? Okay? Pamela Anderson's on whatever right. Hey look at your fucking big tits. You're pussy this and that You know what they're gonna go after let them go after it. You gotta have a better joke You just have to have the best joke Everybody else is a rough draft. You gotta have a joke that they're not gonna think of so I'm saying Yeah, so how do you get to the joke that no one's gonna think of do you write all the obvious ones first? And then just throw them in the trash. Yeah Really do that

More often than not When I first hear who we're roasting they go, what do you think we're gonna roast? You know, what a bruce willis I already have Like I think in punchlines and the first thing I think of usually becomes A great opening joke or closing thought Really? Yeah, I get what's your first bruce willis thought Oh, uh, I was like, oh, that's it. You know, that's gonna have to be something about. Um, how I look like him Would be an uneasy one

But you know diehard, um, whatever eight, um natural causes Yeah You know, yeah, and then you know, people will have diehard jokes So you gotta you gotta you gotta try harder and And and I start to look at what other connections there are like, oh, okay. We're both from new jersey There's something I can work with even your promos for that one were great. Thanks. Yeah, you guys you guys did them together Yeah, we're like you did you parodied. Um, what's it called that move the sixth sense sixth sense I see dead people. Yeah, and it was all I see fat people and I was like

He said it to him. I was the kid in the bed. Yeah, that's really fun Really funny. I gotta repost those for for uh a throwback Because those are fun promos. I got to work basically act with bruce willis for one full day That's awesome. And by the way, never met a greater sport Really? Really? He was calling me for a month and a half before the roast I stutter make fun of this don't hold back because I want to have all the good will when I go up at the end and You know He loved it. He really loved it. That's cool. That's good to hear actually. Yeah, he sent me a bunch of stuff wrote me a nice letter

He's a good guy. Yeah, that's cool. Now you finally Have joined the podcast. Oh, yeah So, uh tough skin thick skin thick skin thick skin with jeff ross. I always say life is hard. We're getting through it together It's a cathartic bonding experience how many are up so far Um, we just went we probably have about 10 episodes up Sometimes I take down the old ones just because I don't know why I like having just a few up Oh, really? I like having the new ones the newer ones up

Del people will go deep on that back catalog. I know but for some reason I don't want them to I like I like keeping them fresh Okay, I don't know why I think it's still like a hobby level for me Right But I was out on the road one weekend when I first moved to my new house in studio city in the hills up there and my cousin ed Who loves podcasting? He just built a little studio down under the under the house under the pool And I really really enjoying it. It takes me back to my college radio days. Yeah, we had larry charles on last week Oh, yeah directed the

You know borat movies. Yeah, no movies occur. It's amazing The dangerous world of comedy the danger for the comedy Really cool show showing people doing stand-up in like pakistan and syria and Saudi Arabia And he's just a cool guy. So yeah like this you you guys get it. You've been doing it for a long time I really love it. I always resisted because It's a discipline and you told me tom you told me in the hallway the other day at the comedy store Like you got to stay consistent. You got to keep doing it So I have been getting better at

And consistently doing it because that's what the listeners they want to rely on you a little definitely They definitely do. Yeah, you're a natural for it. It's gonna be great, man. Thanks. Yeah, just keep out. Keep keep doing it I really do the hard part is asking people to do it Yeah, I woke up today with that dilemma of like Jeff Ross, what are you talking about? I know but so you know Some people just I just know how I feel when certain people ask me to do it And I'm like, oh, how do you say no? Then you're there reluctantly and then you went up doing it then you have a good time and you're like, all right

I'm glad I did it. But yeah, yeah, you take advantage of the fact that you're Jeff fucking Ross. I like that Yeah, I did notice that people started stopping me and asking me if they could come on That's a good sign must be yeah, and it's growing and you wrote you do it like a like a little roast at the end of the episode Yeah, we do like touchy subjects on the news, you know, we you know, whenever somebody dies It's a very cathartic when someone dies. We do roast in peace You know, we had Peter Tork last week who from the monkeys. Didn't you do one of a brody? We did a brody one. Would I give us a brody job? I said, uh poor brody. He's I'm seeing in that big side stage in the sky now I said something about uh

His great friendship with saccala finac is if they ever hug they would be like velcro They would never be able to separate them. They're both so hairy His hairline is named after his high school recita Uh Funny we did the brody thing yesterday, you know, here I am. I think this might be my first time in recita. Yeah So there you go. There you go. Brody made it happen. He really did. I'm sensing his positive energy Um, of course. I wanted to show you, um What any other advice for the podcast? This is helpful. No, I got you. I I think

I think the consistency. I think how long you've been doing this 10 years beautiful I think you put in you you definitely will like you first of all you created like a little bit of a Like a specific thing going on which is good. Yeah, you know There's so many so the fact that it's like I think that you're the roast guy people know that Yeah, and you at least give an element of that right but not entirely right. It's not the whole thing It's more about taking the jokes than dishing them out the podcast like thick skin like You know a little bit of like I always say life is hard. We're getting through it together Yeah, yeah, that's good. Well, here's the thing too about like feeling weird about asking people if because it like

It matters that you're doing it then Use whatever juice you have to get any and all guests Because it's a guest reliant medium. So, you know, don't ever feel weird about asking Anybody not that you should but I mean the fact that you mentioned it like, you know, you deserve to have those guests Yeah, it's gonna be a better product. So ask everyone man. Thanks. Yeah, what about not having guests sometimes like That's great. Sometimes I like it sometimes if it's just me and my cousin talking Oh, yeah, and you sprinkle those in yeah, like I sometimes I forget that It's on the draw to this show

You got it's like when David Letterman would come out or Jimmy, you know, Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon walk out on stage They don't bring Julia Roberts out, right? Right. They do 10 15 minutes of comedy that people tune in for yes Yeah, no, we do we do the front part of our show is just us It's us catching up on our lives and stuff I think it's important to do that And just keep and like and do the episode side joke I meant to do hold on. This is good Oh, yeah, I hope I'm I hope I'm at least as a better guest than Danny Brown What?

He was a great guest. Yeah, Danny was amazing. I know he's your best guest ever. So I thought I'd make that joke That's good. That's funny. He was your fan. He uh, he came in here with like all the references. Oh my god We were like what he's like, I listen to this shit all the time. I was like, oh my god I know that's so bizarre because like rappers listen to podcasts. So we've had this thing of rappers coming on our show There's the crossover now. Yeah Music and comedy are really colliding in a big way right now. Yeah, well and when bumping mics came out I started getting all these messages from musicians. Really drake Drake hardest I ever laughed DM'd me don't even barely know the guy just found me on instagram. Love it. Love it. Damn

It's crazy. I know it's really been fun Really been fun. Let me ask you something. You said that uh roasting was anti bullying. Yeah, which I think is I 100% agree with you But in this current Bullshit social justice warrior culture I feel like people mistaken Busting chops or busting balls for like not having sympathy for a particular group. It's like dude Why can't I have sympathy for somebody and Make a joke about them at the same time? Like do you find that you're bumping up against people?

being fucking Pussies about this stuff people are just upset about everything, you know I'm offended by people that are constantly offended. Yeah. Yeah, it's wearing me out It's like everything is It's a new language now. I quit my job. I was so humiliated. Well, you know tough it up I mean Jesus life's tough. Yeah, I know So, you know, I had a rough childhood It's not as bad as some of the ones that I wasn't separated from my parents at the border

Yeah, but you know, my parents were sick and they died when I was a teenager and I go I think that gave me thick skin to talk about morning and moving on and how to you know, you think kids didn't tease me and it's like You know jokes and you got to be able to like handle your business or what are you what are you doing? You're just worried, you know, social media has made that more of a Of a thing right now, but you know I just I'm I'm not into the

Wimpy pussy culture Me neither You know women women are equals women need to be able to be part of the laughs and Disabled people need to be part of the be able to take a joke and and and every ethnicity needs to be able to take the joke And I find those are the people listening to my podcast. Those are the people coming to our shows They're usually the most fun people at shows. Oh my god, when you're listening, you know, who's the best audience? Yeah, AA I've heard that the fucking best because they've been through some shit. Yeah, which was told me that

There's a great one fucking gay dudes are the best here in the valley Uh, that guy bank court runs it. Yes. That's a jam. It's a AA show. We do it like once Every six months. I did it a couple times. Man. Yeah, that's so game. There's sounds cool They laugh. Yeah, I find more and more like yeah, it's fun to perform for people that are paying And of course we need to do that and and we appreciate our fans but when I go to like A jail or or you know, I've done shows for the homeless have done shows for you know In war zones, those are the best crowds. Yeah, they're not paying. They're not drinking. They're there because they need it Yeah, yeah, it's it's it's medicine. You've gone abroad. You don't want your medicine watered down either. You want to potent

Yeah, bro. You've done the war zone shit a lot, right? Yeah. Yeah That's wild. That's wild. That's a really really I did it. I did gitmo once that's cool That's cool. She did duty. What year was that? Do you remember? Uh, gitmo. Yeah, oh nine Yeah, I did that no five. It was really that was maybe the best show I've ever had my life Yeah, there was they were great shows. They were just so star for entertainment these marines and and and navy and so on that live on Guantanamo Bay base naval base You know and obviously there's a whole stigma in a dark cloud of Of guantanamo bay the terrorists are there and the torture and

But there's this also whole other gigantic military community. It's not even part of the prison Yeah, most of it's not right. Yeah, and as you know, those those are great crowds and oh, yeah There's families living there and it's like that's crazy the military shows have been great because I got to see Stuff the normal people don't get to see and I really dig that. Did you go to Afghanistan? I've been there. Yeah, I did that too You slept with the whole seal team, right? Didn't you hook up with everybody? I slept with all of the seal teams Wow, did you ever get I nailed them all that's what they got they nicked him from all their sex Did you ever do there's an oil platform in the middle of the Fucking ocean between Iran and Iraq. There's like a mile long oil platform

And they fly have you ever done that one? They fly you out that was crazy and half of its us marine half of its Iraqi soldiers Thursday and they fuck each other on the platform and you got they show me the fuck mattresses and stuff And I just sleep with like guards outside of my um You know, it's not a room. It's those those metal. What do they call those metal boxes? They have them everywhere like in jibody and shit in the marriage like if you're in a war zone just have fun, you know Yeah, I get it. You never know Iraqi soldiers it's the war zone becomes a horror zone

You did that that's great that you do that it's great that you do that They must love you a woman comedian in a war zone like it's so rare was nuts. I did afghanistan. I did saudi arabia I even got to go in to do riyadh based there. I was fucking nuts the UAE I would never do it again. Djibouti I've been in Somalia. I've been never do it again. It's so dangerous. It's the worst place. I've ever been. It's the worst It was like 140 degrees the bugs are the size of your hand. Yeah. Yeah, it was terrifying terrible I was there for for one long day on a stopover in the middle to the middle east And I was there with the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff general richard mires at the time in 05

And they called the chairman's tour where he he stops, you know during the holidays in like eight or nine countries and Some of them are safe and some of them aren't but he even walked up on stage and Djibouti was like, hey, man You guys Had soft to you your station in the worst place we have Worst he was very upfront about it. There was no getting around. I know this sucks. Yeah That's amazing. And we and we'd had just been to iraq. So

Like he's laying it down there. Yeah, I never did iraq I've been to um, well, I said Afghanistan iraq is genuinely fascinating and terrifying. I've been there three times. Oh my god It's no different in in 03 that it is Two years ago when I was there. It's will you go back to war zones? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I went I went to christmas's ago, I guess And sadly we'll all have to keep going. This doesn't sound like any of that ends ending. No in my lifetime be nice if

All those sedan palaces were Casinos by now. Yeah, I think trump would have made that happen. Right, right, but no No, you know who I went with saratiana Right, you're a homie. She's the best. She's the best. How and I did uh, did a some usl stuff together too. We went to um um, germany to landstool Medical hospital Did a show she's the sweetest. She's a killer. She's a killer killer talented And she really gets it. I remember we were touring these bases and she was just her heart went out to all

Like I was such a selfish kind of dick. I was complaining like that's hot And the food's not good and sarah was just like that's not why we're here christina, you know, like she's so mature So smart. She's just something special about her. She's a really incredible person. I had a great writer great comedian great friend She was balling last night right in the front row at the brody. Yeah, I know Yeah, we worked together with brody on the burn On comedy central sarah was one of the writers and brody was our warm-up guy and There's a real family for 12 episodes That's show business, you know, the shows come and go. I always think like the shows the projects the pilots

They come and go but these relationships are what sustain us Yeah, you know, you're talking about talking to me years ago before we even knew each other. We had a relationship Yeah, you know, it's like when you're on stage and there's that intensity and You went into another guy in a strange town and he's pacing and he's nervous I'm not gonna make it harder for him or worse for him. It's like which side, you know, who are you? I just had a flashback to another one of talking to you. I did the melrose improv And uh, you know, I was booked on the show. It must have been like Oh

six or seven and I had I had a great set like a great set and you were on the show and then You know people kind of gather Afterwards outside out front and I just like stood next to you and

And uh, you're talking to other people and other comics and I just like just like stood kind of like waiting And then you looked at me and you're like you had a great set that was hilarious I was like, thanks, man. And then I just kept staring at you. Wow. Yeah. What's going on there? I just wanted to like love. Yeah. I just wanted to like be part of the group. Wow. You know, I mean, so I think I think I probably freaked you out at a certain point. I definitely saw you look at me like, all right, man Yeah, and there's no way I watched your set. So

That's just really nice. Probably not. Yeah, you're really nice. Um, I definitely was like I love that. I can remember vividly standing out there. Well, I thought it used to be nice because now look at you were friends I felt like um, the queen of showbiz when one time sarah tiana took me into your house For a barbecue, right? I remember that like a decade ago and I was like, oh my god Right. I'm not sure if I was out or you're like, oh, this is just like a war zone. Everything goes suck all these dicks. Yeah Well, barbecue dicks. Um, since we were by the way since christina's fart was so disappointing How dare you can you pull up? There's a we haven't seen seen this yet, but this is supposed to be the chick that's going to make you

Really Sorry, I thought I had a fart. Oh, but watch this. Okay. Okay. Watch. Watch this. This is Oh, oh, whatever you have Didn't you say that we had to watch these? No, well, uh, there's a there's a ranking of girls that we've seen and there's a new one. Oh, I see. Okay. So let's see who we've seen That's what you have here Who's your fave jeff you You are no, how do you do you have a no?

Oh, sorry. Hold on. I'm interrupting her Oh, I like I like when they get playful with these. Yeah, me too. Like what are the bananas for? Oh What the fuck are we watching? Girls rubbing bananas on our asshole and farting in the spandex What what then she smells the banana I kind of stayed home with my housekeeper elvia seen that We covered uh, we covered this girl in episode 412 really? I don't remember this whole bunch of things. Okay. Oh

Renames them with fart in the word. Now. I know now. I know how you've been doing this podcast for ten years If this is your this is how you get your material. Yeah, this is it's pretty easy. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, it's fish and a barrel. So keep that fart in mind. Okay. We're now going. Are we rating them? I think so Yeah, we're ranking these fards. Okay. Here comes the next part. Fart nana Oh fart nana fart nana. Oh Okay, I remember her. I'm in the shed. Yeah. There's a reason she's pretty cute. I like the shed farts. Yeah Well girls do that Yeah

I never saw a girl do that before Really with the with like the reverb kind of like the bass. I didn't know girls fart though right now. This is so odd You know what I like about that fart the shed fart. I will say tommy I feel like there was a heat to it. I feel like she had apricots like those trader joe's ones Wow, why can't I get ready to re rank everything because there's a new champ because I remember this Vividly this is really intense She's not even reacting She didn't miss a beat on that book either

I love the uh, oh my god. Yeah, just dang like oh my god Yeah, there's a nice fart for you guys. She makes you like it. It's a late valentine fart Please comment down below subscribe and let me know what you think about my farts Please give us a big thumbs up you guys ready? Okay. Here we go. I'm ready Yeah, oh Wow, yeah, that was the best for whatever. No, that was nothing compared to the people posties on on youtube Oh everywhere sometimes they are on pay sites Yeah, really a lot of guys will pay to watch women fart. Really? Yeah, what do you think that is?

The one guy who wrote in about it. What is that that he he said that the reason He has a fetish for it is because it's like the taboo thing to see a pretty girl Having like a dirty smell, you know, and what about this one? That's different She's yeah She's that's just her skill. Not that she's bad-looking, but I don't think of hers No, I think you're a typically pretty girl. She's just laying in bed in a t-shirt going when I hear my heart I think your instincts are dead on Well, I see your point. So what you're trying to say is there was no

There was no setup to this one. It wasn't as creative as the fart Nana. Well, he's just saying that you just see a whale with a blowhole Gotcha. Yeah, yeah a little hard on the eyes This is all set up This is it. I like that one. Oh mop on aisle five What's the hook on her belt there? She's got like height one of those climbing hooks. Yeah Like carabiners. That's what that's called. Yeah Now what's this in the porn genre when they do it out in the wild

What's that called in the porn genre? I don't know. I don't know what that's called Not a face fart when you make porn out and like on it's on the beach public public This is a public part voyeurism. He's something like that. Okay. Josh is the official. Yeah, he subscribes to all these So this was a public fart. That was really interesting. So those are those are all five farts. I mean, which one was your favorite one? Well, come on, that's easy. Yeah, the lady was reading the book. No, no the bananas. Yeah. Yeah Come on Yeah, because it's fart nanas. Yeah, I just love bananas. My grandfather used to say take a banana for the ride Okay, that was really uh, I mean, I just love bananas and they're good right before you go on stage

Do you still like bananas or no? I don't think I would eat the fart bananas the fart nanas. I don't think I really get What she's doing there You think she's gonna throw those away or save them. I think no, she's saving that a little bit hot if she peeled it Nated after that There's a guy that does that but I don't know if you want to see that I I'm gonna I don't like shed fart because that was just very Generic it was like, yeah, I'm in a shed. Yeah, I mean

I'm in the shed. Yeah, why there's a reason What's the reason you have to go in the shed to fart that doesn't make sense Huh, yeah, but why this she has a fart shed Yeah, like she has her own shed for farting. She's not gonna fart on her podcast Who would do that? She went out to the shed like a lady Well, so wait, is there a new person is that you're saying yeah, there is why don't you guys discuss Who gets rank number one two and three and I'll pull up this new fart mistress. Okay

Okay, I can't believe this I'm gonna go for Personally, I don't think the shed fart was that exciting. I'm gonna give her fifth place Yeah, I don't know. Do you guys agree with this ranking last place the shed does nothing for me for me It's all about the book lady. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What what are you going to give her first place? Oh, yeah, for me. She's seriously for sure I mean just the like the way that it was so dominant and and Like there was so much muscle behind it and the way she was so nonchalant like

Oh my gosh, I just she didn't even look up from the book. Yeah. She really owned it. You know, all right I'll just disagree The sponsors are show toilet paper Used to be mcdonald's but they left so I like the public farder because it's a brave It's bold. Oh, right. It's risky. That took nerve a little bit in the supermarket. Yeah. Yeah a little bit But it wasn't I like the bananas strictly on the performance art of it all Performance fart of it all the performance farthest. Yeah

I'm gonna I'm torn between the fart nana and the valentine fart. I like the valentine premise She's like, hey guys, it's a valentine's day. And here's your fart. That was on this valentine fart. Yeah I hear a new fart. Here's a valentine's fart. Yeah, it was kind of nice that she gave you the gift Okay, and I like that she plugs her channel subscribe like right right right she puts the plug out and then she delivers Yeah, I just didn't feel like the delivery was there. Who's this? This is our new person This is the new girl and uh when I saw it. I knew we had something special. Okay These make me so gassy Jesus christ. These are what my farts are gonna smell. Oh my god

I don't know what I like more the when she's doing or watching jeff watch her because I don't know if she's farting or belching I love this I just Whoa, is that all right? She's good Whoa All right, amen, what's going on exactly? It looks like her ass This seems like it's in the king ass ripper Yes, I mean, this is the queen ass ripper. I didn't know Steve Simone got a wig. This is pretty wild, man

That's that belly button. Looks like an ass crack Clogging up my throat Okay, uh-oh This is a little much Okay, she's trying too hard. Yeah, we haven't even gotten to the first trying too hard. This girl has talent. This is really good I Don't know I think I'm gonna gay marry her. I love this chick

I am blown away by this talent. Listen king ass ripper was amazing. This chick kicks his ass. You think so dude King ass ripper is nothing compared to well. This is I don't know to be fair to be fair Oops, not to be fair. This is a trans woman. So wait a minute piping. It is. I don't know. I think it is Am I right? Okay. Do you think it's a trans woman? Yeah, a shit man. So some of the some of the original piping is there trans fats, you mean Fuck man. Look at that. Who's big. Who's she? Yeah, can I have some of your water? I know I don't have a big butt, but it's definitely a gassy one Okay, we're good. We're good. I want to hear the farts. I just think it's great than Andy Milanakis has a youtube page

Totally looks like him Oh my god, dude. I'm impressed I mean, is it trans? Is she trans? Yeah Blueban, is it confirmed? I think she is. I mean looking at the definition of the arms, I think it's a possibility Hey, now, um, have you been to israel before? Yes. Did you perform there? It's quite a segue You're asking me about how the farting is over there Yeah, what was it like? Did you fart a lot? Mediterranean food will kind of go through you sometimes. Oh the shawarma mix Yeah, I've been I've performed there twice most recently. Um,

Uh, just a year ago with chris rock. I was a surprise guest on his televieve show The big arena that that show ever ever. Yeah, I'm up there with my gitmo show. Seriously the best What was it like doing rocks tour? I loved every second of it. I love spending time with chris Um I would do I would do he would have me go on right before him And and do my stand up and then bring up and these are huge arenas 10 15 000 And I'd work it out with security where I'd bring up volunteers from the front sections

Line them up speed roast the shit out of them in arena style copenhagen Stockholm All through ireland and england and man, you know, it was it was amazing experience in all these foreign countries And we we've made a stop in televieve and you know people just American comedy is is great at Our biggest export one of our biggest exports. Yeah

Everyone's down with what we were doing what I was saying and even though I wouldn't understand all the accents in sweden They got everything we said You had to like nothing same same act I do here Except they're more eager to hear about trump and politics and what our take is Was on it and they all know chris's specials from over the years. They learned how to speak english a lot of people listening to chris rock and eddie murphy and That kind of stuff. So it was really really cool. And that was the tour that ended up being the tambourine special, right?

Right That's awesome. It's been really fun. He's probably gonna ramp up again I think another year or so he'll start thinking about it again because it's just it's too juicy Yeah, lots of people want to see him in every corner of the world. There's places. He still hasn't gone Yeah, he puts the act together in a year. He tours it for a year. Yeah He's amazing And he sent me a he sent me a a Three-wheel motorcycle is a present. What I almost drove it here. I just learning how to drive it because it's a stick

But it's it's this incredible Awesome thing. I would never buy myself. Really? Yeah It's a motorcycle. It's a three-wheel motorcycle. It's called a slingshot. Oh, I've seen those really fun. That's manual Yeah Oh, I got to see this thing. I'll show you a picture after. Okay. Okay. Well, this guy is this in israel? Um, the guy talking to him is definitely israeli. Okay 100 percent sure if this is israeli looks like it might be You're saying this guy puts on quite a show that we're watching. Yeah, he actually Reminds me of someone that we used to have on the show. Okay. Let's see him

We So this is an Elvis impersonator I think I love foreigners doing stupid shit, man You know one time in hungry my parents are from hungry And we went to go some stupid lounge act in the middle of anyway They they don't know they can't speak english fluently and that was the song Oh

Zink twice is another day for you in beret like they couldn't say the words Lapping so fucking hard. I love when foreigners can't Well, this reminds me of the staying alive guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have stay united stay united stay united? Stay united stay united. Yeah. I love this kind of shit Yeah, this is not damn it This guy would probably impress jeff. Oh my goodness Stay, stay, stay the light and stay the liner Stay the light and stay the line

Ha ha ha ha Stay the light You win the best city you've ever seen you win me No, I stand in the way. I run by me. No wasted. Those aren't the words So I'm by no no, I stand me. You win by this. They stand in line Stay united stay united stay united stay the light Uh-oh Wow

Would you would he be hard to roast or no? He seems roastable. Yeah, he looks like he's already been roasted Wow by far the most fun I've ever had watching someone watch clips on this show has been jeff ross I would love to play tic-tac-toe on his forehead. What is going on? His teeth look like stone hinge What's going on with this guy Look at this going but yet a remarkably fashionable pinny and aviators. Yeah And might even have hair plugs this guy, but yet never put sunscreen on once in his life And never been to a dentist the nearest dentist is 10,000 miles away

He's moroccan. Yeah, that's what you found out. Oh, I see. Yeah a lot of outdoor time always gets his son Oh Ah, okay I like Elvis is something that he knows is on the internet. You think you think he knows he's on your podcast I don't know if he knows about the podcast, but um, we after we found that video People started to send in other videos of him. So he makes videos and posts some of him singing. No I think he allows people to Film him in in like public places

And then you know because there's I think he's in spain now, right? Yeah, he's on tour Yeah, yeah, yeah, um, he should have a show called thick skin Not me him I would love to have him on he would just do staying alive over and over though You'd be like, all right, we got it. We got it Wait, so we'll bump and mics come back. Um, we're gonna do a tour this summer may and june july Oh, you are. Yeah, we'll be at the borgata

We'll be at the sands in Bethlehem and then we're picking up some more dates so that I can get Dave to agree Oh, is that that's the work of it, right? Oh, it's so hard He's got you know tour dates himself all the time. He doesn't want to split the money He doesn't want to go to florida like there's a lot of rules It doesn't go anywhere where he has family Really? Oh, yeah smart He won't wants to avoid it. He wants to go to casinos in the midwest And south and north pacific where he doesn't know anybody where they let him smoke in the elevators

I love it. He's still ripping through cigarettes, right? Yeah, I love Dave, but it's like taking your nana on the road He's he's Cranky dude, what was that line? Uh, so funny I think it's in the first episode I can say it right, so please you're like you look like somebody knows how to delete a hard drive Dave looks like you know how to delete a hard drive in a hurry. I think I said It's a challenge coming up with insults for david tell because he wears the same thing every single show

Whereas I mix it up and give him some something to work with I'll wear a different hat a different shirt different shoes a coat I saw him at a show like a month ago I saw him backstage and he was wearing the same thing and I was like, how's the manifesto coming along? It's good. It's good. That's great. Yeah, he's a good guy. You got a good heart. Yeah, he raises my game I love I love working with him Oh, it's gotta happen for the two of you. I can't I mean the two of you working together I mean I I tell Dave all the time one plus one is three

You know, we're great on our own He's the best on his own, but when we come together It pops to another thing like like a band. Yeah, it's like when joe walsh joined the eagles I would buy a ticket to to go see the show. Thank you I gotta keep an eye out for you coming. I want to see you two doing it. I hope you guys do another It's so amazing. We probably should have toured right when the thing came out. We didn't we both just stopped We needed a break from each other. I think yeah, but you know what the way the netflix specials work The biggest bump comes like nine months after really

Yeah, because it builds and it builds and it builds and like there's people this week who are discovering That's but never heard of it seeing it right now really on top of all the people that saw it before You don't think it dies down. No, no when you announce these tickets will go way faster than they did last time really for sure That's nice to hear. Yeah, that'll be good. Yeah, you'll do some Added shows and markets you weren't expecting it is definitely going to be different. Huh? Yeah Even in the casino markets, you think because those are really he won't really do the theaters. He likes the casinos Yeah, that's not right. But what's the deal? Why the casino they pay better? He could smoke And again, here's the other thing you'll get a radiator. You'll get a raise in all those. Yeah. Oh, yeah

Yeah, yeah, so whatever you did last time. It's gonna go up for sure I love it and I've been I've been using this time away from him to Work on material so that when we join back up in may and june and stuff Like I can bring some firepower too because he's on the road constantly Yeah, so I've just been popping up at the comedy store the improv and I'm in bray in a couple weeks Yeah, like just to work on material because trying to keep up with Dave's the best comic there is right now And the fact that he lets me do these shows with him like blows my mind

So the last thing I want to do is just asking questions and be his fall guy Like I want to bring it to and have some good material And you know, he gets squeamish if I talk about a political joke or You know, but it forces him to then like retort with another political joke So it's in a way we have we challenge each other in a really interesting way. Oh, you guys are just so good You have such good chemistry. It's very complimentary and it looks like you guys are just You know, it's a beautiful tennis thing to watch back and forth. I have a technical question Of course, I love your technical questions. They're fun. It's interesting how you guys so I know

If only you could use this stuff in your act to work out great See that's when that's that's roasting by listening. Yeah You did it see you did it um Hold on one second. Okay. So you you only have one show to tape right? You can't obviously have the same audience For two because you were doing it in clubs the bonding mics We did we did three nights at the comedy village underground at the comedy cellar. We did two shows a night

Different obviously different audience. Yeah. Yeah, mostly different We get a lot of repeats as you can imagine because there's so much improvise Improvising that they want to they want to see more They just don't want to leave. Yeah, you know, paul rudd is in the sunday episode of pumping mics on netflix The only reason he closes the second show with us Is because he was there with his wife and friends for the first show Loved it so much called the babysitter and was like we're staying out And stayed for a whole other show and by then I was like, all right, this guy's had a bunch of drinks

He's here for two shows. I'm not even gonna ask him. We're just bringing him up Yeah, and he's flew right out of his seat and played with us for 10 minutes So it is a night out like we produce it by not really Completely producing it. We kind of put a few things out there like Like bruce willis said hey, I want to come see your show. I said great, you know, take care of you and your friends Put them on the guest list I don't see him before I don't tell him. I'm gonna introduce him I wouldn't have introduced him, but dave

Was like, all right, I'll take it. I'll you know, and he just like shouted him out So I said to myself That afternoon bruce willis was coming we're shooting. It's our first night What if something does happen where he leaps out of his chair or something does happen? I want to be prepared I don't really want to write any jokes about him But maybe if I had a harmonic in my back pocket just in case Something cool will happen and that's as much as I'll take the producing of it Like yeah, kind of what ifs and maybes and prepare for different things and

Literally david. I don't speak before the show. He won't make a set list. He won't block. He won't rehearse. There's no makeup He he is off the street, you know as a cigarette. He'll say hi And we go and if I want to like hey david, will you set me up for this this and this no Really? Oh, no, it's infuriating and sometimes Wow and sometimes um I'll set him up for a joke that he's done three nights in a row and knocked out of the park and then he'll he'll he'll just Ignore me and that's infuriating. Oh, yeah, and that's so by the way. It's definitely so it's repeating himself because I

I've told the story before like because I I worked with him years ago I opened for him like I meddled for him a few times. Oh, wow, and I was like So, you know, so geek. This is like insomnia is on, you know, right? Like just it's everywhere and every comic Coming up. You're like, oh my god. I love this guy, right? He's and You know, all the shows are packed He is fucking Destroying. Yeah

Remember where it was braya braya. Yeah, I did I did two years apart Two separate weekends with him Like six show weekends and like, you know, so you do your thursday show and you're like, holy shit And friday early show, you know, let's say most of that stuff And then on the late show It's the same setup and a different punchline You're like, what the fuck that's what I mean like and like the punchline killed

Yeah, and he's already like and then saturday It's not the first one that killed. It's not the second one that it's another punchline right in there And I'm like well, he finds when he likes and then when he gets it the way he likes it He never does it again. God. He's repeating himself. Yeah, he's not thinking about Building material for a special. He's just thinking about Staying true to what he thinks is funny all the time all the time So if we happen to be shooting that weekend, that's the jokes we get on tape. That's really that's really how it is Yeah, oh my god. He has another half hour that he could have done

We'll also like argue about that. I'm like, hey, we got to like kill like you got to bring your best stuff And and then I'll I'll set him up for a home run joke that's going to get us out of the episode and He'll just ignore me. It's infuriating And what about when you talk to him like afterwards about it? He's like, I don't feel like doing it He won't even it's not even a proper question Really? No, he won't even entertain the question. He won't even know what I'm talking about. He's like, what? Yeah, wow

Yeah, if I see him afterwards It's about the next show. I don't have time to look back. He's not engaging on that I've learned how not to fight with him and I learned that it's not me. It's Him And I've become really patient and to be honest with you As much as we've been friends our whole careers. Dave and I decades like I think this has made us like truly howls where we're We have a whole other respect for each other and

I haven't really thought about this or talked about it too much But you know, we had big fights going into this thing like a couple years ago Like a couple Christmases ago when we were starting to like When I was pushing him to go to the Montreal comedy festival and Let's call it bumping mics and he didn't like that. He didn't want to go to the festival There's no money. He didn't want to call bumping mics. It was too on the nose He didn't want to And now we don't really fight. We're sort of

Getting to a place where we kind of understand each other. You're like an old married couple. He's got your nana on the road Yeah, yeah, you know how nana is and I know how he is now and I don't push him on certain things and he and he'll admit this too like he will He will defer to me on other things Where he would fight back about it all the time You know and we're comics and there's always little mood swings and here and there of course but Finally one day I was like Dave just talk to me as nicely as you do the servers at the comedy cellar

Because he'll tips everybody brings some candy and then he'll look at me and go Just bark at me about something. I'm like, no, no Like I don't need to get into a to a messy marriage here, bro You're like, we're gonna get along or we're not doing it You know and I'm always fascinated when two funny guys get together who don't necessarily have to be together Right. It's kind of fun. Like when rappers get together I asked um There's a there's a musical thing called black star to live quelly is a rapper with most death

Of course, they both have solo careers And they do both do extremely well, but they do this special thing together black star. Yeah, and I asked to live quelly I go, how do you get along with most stuff? Like, how do you guys like Work it and he goes, oh, I just do what most says I've learned that if I try to push back And and and most most, you know, maybe I shouldn't be saying all this on the on the podcast But basically he said like he's learned to just sort of trust that The other guy was kind of right. Yeah, it's gonna work and yeah. Yeah

Yeah I thought you're saying Yassine Bay is a sovereign citizen. So yeah, right That's my favorite thing ever is that most death was in Africa and he was like I'm first of all, I'm Yassine Bay and then they were like, you don't have a visa to be here He was like, I'm a sovereign citizen when they were like, no, that doesn't count right You gotta get the fuck out of here, man. They kicked him out. But those dudes are amazing together. Yeah I've seen them together. So you saying that I'm that guy Yeah, I think what Jeff is saying and you know in a marriage you realize there's just some fights

That aren't worth having And you you trust and you know them and you know where you're I know where your abilities lie and I think you know our mind lie and There's just shit that you don't fight about because you're like that I know I know that tom knows in this situation Like, you know, what's up here? Yeah, you trust choices too. Yeah, like Part of it is doing it together. Now we have a you know, Dave and I we we got it that we got through it like He pushes me too like he wasn't settling on a director And everybody I brought to him he either wouldn't meet with or they were too hip or they

He accused them of over lighting someone else is special You know, he would be very persnickany about it And I would get mad because he'd be being rude to people that you know are very respected and so on and He wouldn't take the meeting or it'd be an hour late or whatever, you know, that's Dave And then you know, I brought him finally I was Lamenting all this to my pal Andrew Jarecki Who is a documentarian? Yeah, and I knew I wanted this to have a documentary feel And

Andrew and I kind of was like one in the morning We were just having one of our long walks were good pals Andrew Jarecki directed uh the jinx on HBO About Robert Durst. It's unbelievable. Yeah, it's a fantastic Multi-part documentary. So you know what bumping mics is going to be a three-part documentary Actually, Netflix wanted it to be more. They wanted it to be like four and David. Yes, Dave. Dave was like a three I was like, all right. Oh, I can make that work friday saturday sunday. We'll make it a weekend Format we'll call the episodes by the night and we'll see if that works and we'll do two shows a night and

We'll inter cut some of our sort of offstage stuff and and Andrew, um It Andrew to his credit even though he'd seen Dave and I perform together Many many times more than anyone else Andrew's not a comedy director. He'd never worked in comedy and I'd been telling him for The whole 15 years. I've been friends with this guy You should do comedy it'll add years to your life these documentaries you keep doing about child molesters and murderers

Are drain on to you and your family Fucking bummer. Yeah, right. He did uh, you know the capturing the Freedmen's About child molest In long island the jinx. I was obsessed with Yeah, so it's so good and and Andrew's a very Sophisticated filmmaker So I knew if I set up the comedy in the situation and got the club together and And got the act together that Andrew would make it look good and he would also be able to like

Maybe help me with some of You know the friction between Dave and I yeah, and but we didn't want it to be like my friends directing it So Andrew went down to the comedy cellar without me And hung out with Dave and they'd known each other a little bit through me over the years and suddenly this This murder documentarian And Dave we're getting along really well and and Dave has these little tests that I don't I've never talked about this But you know like Amy Schumer big star was about to go on You know and Dave said I guess you want to go down and watch Amy

And Andrew saw the trap Yeah, it's like no, I love Amy, but I'm here to hang with you Dave And that's when Dave really you could tell Dave really fell in love Andrew told me this whole story after You know and uh, you guys were playing chess man We really wanted to get Dave on board with Andrew because David turned down three or four other comedy directors Wow big big names who would do the who wanted to do it Guys winning Emmys for these things and stuff Dave's like no no

Not too hip too too too Yeah, it's part of the lesson that you learned or what you figured out was like Not to be reactive to him reacting you kind of had to like take a breath and just allow him to be how he is Right and and and sort of not fault him for I mean that's just who he is. I have to love him for who he is And now he's starting to trust me and there were certain other things in the show and guests He didn't want that. I really did force on him And he would immediately afterwards say yeah, you know, you were right. That was a good idea so I realized he was sort of

defrosting a little bit himself and You know other things I pushed him on he was adamant. He didn't want to do and we didn't do it Yeah, so there's a you know, you pick your battle so to speak It's part of being I once asked I also once asked a pen pen Gillette who's in pen and teller I said I said give me some advice. Give me some give me some advice like how do you guys Because I've written for a comedy team. My first writing job was writing for

MTV red Johnny and the round guy two comics were this was in the 90s John DiMaggio From Futurama Um was red Johnny and um tim was his partner Tim Regan and and And I learned that they would always fight and I'd always be breaking up fights between these guys And I was like, oh, I can't have that with Dave and I had how do these teams work I remember buddy Hackett telling me early on that they offered him

To replace one of the stooges in a movie when one of the stooges got sick Whoa, and I needed the money. I had just had my first kid I was still sort of a young comic not much of a following and I thought about it and I thought about it and I realized I don't want to wake up every morning wondering how the other guy feels Oh So I was like, oh, okay, man. Now I'm in a team. It sounds like such a bad idea. I have the best life I do whatever I want now. I gotta like Partner up and pens. I asked Penn and he's like

He's like, well, no, I go. How does it work with you and teller? He goes. Well, I mean no ours works because No other team has teller as a partner In other words, he loved teller and they their special thing. So it really is a unique Look at you two. I mean, how many marriages work You've been married over a decade. I know Most of the time these things Are too they're too hot

Where where where they're not sustainable. We don't you know what for us though and this probably helps other Uh Duos like especially ones that only do that. Like we're not competitive. I think it's a big thing. I remember talking to a couple married couples in comedy over the years Who they like led with Competitiveness, right? I got this. She didn't get that They all they're divorced all of them Yeah, but I I think you're totally right and a lot of that

Because we're not we're not competitive because we started together And I think we did we did open mics together and we were in the trenches together for so many years So your success is shared in a way. Yeah, it's like we start a family together. Yeah, we're we're a cosby team triosby That's what we say. It's from this old cosby thing But we're we're two mommies one jeans like we share a pair That's just always been our mantra and truthfully what pen said about Teller I adore him. Hmm. I fucking adore this man Shelly says it like I don't

Not the way I adore you. I love your farts even when you're disgusting like I adore everything about you I do. I think you're just adorable and I I don't know. I would never not love him There's he can't do no wrong. I think that's part of it. I'm just blinded by my affection for you That's maybe that's why I put up with Dave shit Because I am blinded by my affection for him. I really do watch him on stage and I feel like i'm watching a folk hero or something. Yeah, he's such a good comic. Yeah, he really is and and and it's from my open mic days Yeah, like I he was hosting the open mics when I was beginning. He was already made. He was already a couple years in Um, and I was always like I would I just want to watch him. I was like, he always had the best jokes

He always had the newest jokes He always cut through he always tried something something different and I had when I Podcasted with him last I was again like just you know in awe. He's looking. He's like, do you ever blink? Like shit like that. Where was this? I was at, uh, Christchers house We all passed podcasts together. He just he doesn't do many the two of us were just like a couple of kids and just smiling at him and he was just Making fun of us for the entire time, you know, because we were like remember when you said this show

He's like, yeah, of course. I fucking remember. Yeah. He's so sharp and now that he doesn't drink He doesn't forget a thing He's he's very difficult to argue with because he can flip it back on you in a second and mimic you at the same time To just to make you mad What was that what you want to do? You want to bring up Ken Chong? Is that what you're gonna do? You know, yeah, I thought that'd be a good idea Oh really like it wasn't my idea a year ago to ask him, you know, like He doesn't forget a thing. Wow

It's too funny. Um, yeah, he really is uh Jeff We were gonna do an hour We're at 90 of course Yeah, man, it's wait. No, no. Yeah, we are we just did an hour and a half. That's crazy. I want by so fast I don't have a sandwich in the car. I don't even eat it. I never go this far without eating 90 minutes crazy

Yeah, dude, thank you so much for coming. You are the best. You're so super fun You guys are cute. Thank god. Damn it. I know it's upsetting. It's upsetting But we love you. We admire you. Did I do as good as Danny Brown? No, no, no, he's awesome. But uh, But you know you got thick skin. So thank you, uh, you know, you're hilarious and um, I'm excited that you're podcasting, dude I think it's it's gonna be really great for you. Thanks, man. I really I really find it cathartic and all and It's like stand-up. I started stand-up as a hobby as an outlet and I feel like if I keep podcasting that way Dude, you're gonna in a year. You're gonna be like, oh my god, you're gonna be turning down shit to that like you you would

Just because you like I know my podcast. I can't step away from it's so much better than Do another stuff but but but how many days a week are you in here? We're in one here one day one day a week and how many days a week do you work on the podcast? We usually do like I mean There's things that like the way that we do because there's you know, we have to find these farts So there's multimedia kind of things where we're we're always like sharing in a group videos Topics all week, you know, you're in the airport. You see a guy with no head. There's the top you write it down You send it to the blue band

Take a picture, you know, I come out. I think it's something stupid on Yeah, so we're we're building this show I worry that at the time I'm obsessing and enjoying this essentially this hobby Like the podcast right now for me is like I don't play golf. So I'm enjoying this podcast Eventually, it's a business And that's fine, too But I go I probably could have done a special in those days that I was I probably could have written a movie instead. So I'm still a little bit like

Oh, should I be doing this? Is this just a crazy you definitely should be doing this do it Well, because the podcast will funnel into your material like you'll come up with Premises talking to people like oh, that's good. And then you'll write down. Oh, I see Yeah, and it's gonna it's gonna totally, you know build into your ticket sales. Oh, yeah, do it do it You're gonna end up doing your You know some show somewhere and then all these people are gonna be like, oh, you love the bumping mics and they'll be like No, no, no, I'm here because of your podcast like for sure Wow

And you don't get squeamish about plugging it when you're on the road Because every comic has a podcast don't you feel for years I made jokes about how everyone has a podcast But like that's a joke that should be made. It's an earned joke. We all do But I mean if you're like if you're enjoying doing it, that's the thing like I really truly do So like when you enjoy doing it, it's it's you're having fun like your audience and your fans Appreciate you doing something that they can tell you actually like doing until this morning when I was like I want to do one this week and I had to text a couple of friends and I For for the beginning until now it was like friends and family kind of whoever was around the house

And now I'm like, hmm might be cool. I mean we get a big star once in a while and then that's when I start to get Really like squeamish. They all want to do your podcast. They all do everyone loves you You're underestimating you want to sit down. Yeah around with you. Everybody you've ever roasted but want to sit down with you Are you kidding me? It's natural. I gotta pretend it's popular to get them on Yeah, actually. No, that's the thing is you could be like, hey, I'm doing this I'm sure all those people would be like, yeah, of course Because I still have a small but very loyal following like I feel like and then how much fun would it be like I think if there's like a stand like if there's a couple of standout

Uh roasts, let's say, you know, let's say because you've roasted trump You've roasted. I don't know. Let's say whoever the beaver sure. Oh my god Get together like flavor flames for the people who worked on it with you Oh, yeah, you go like remember like all right up to trump roast or beaver roast And you guys rehearse so you think it's okay to make it a roast centric thing like to me if it's not about comedy But it's about more worldly issues. Wouldn't that bring in a bigger audience? But here's the thing because like who you are you can Jump in and out of that you can do episodes where you're like

Talking about what's happening in north korea with uh, you know Or you have larry charles and you're talking about this and it's like not really about roasting And then you do your thing at the end sure But like because you're who you are It's like what if you did this week we're going to talk all about the beaver roast because You know it got 25 million viewers It was this it was that and right here's people that worked and as a fan I would be like, oh, that's an that's an awesome one off for this week

The next week you don't have to do the same thing You can the next week you could have dave on and talk about how you guys were just at the same He was just on he came by the house and that that alone is just fun The other part which I really love which I guess you have some of it after 10 years You're like, whoa, but I doing it in my house I having larry charles in my house was such a thrill Just the just the excitement of that david tell like came by and I love david just having dav like sitting in my podcast studio in my house smoking cigarettes

And just he mentioned his dad like it was very open like we just posted that episode. It got tons of listens Yeah, and I really do enjoy having people over Yeah, then there's the part of that of like the caterer's son in me. It's like Hey larry, do you want something to eat? You want to bring a buddy? You know, I kind of really love that part Then you gotta embrace that. Yeah, that should be could be a part of the podcast catering You know what I mean? You could have a spread for people. Yes today's show sponsored by duchess potatoes. There you go At all the big bar mitzvahs in the 70s duchess potatoes Yeah, that by the way for people that want to do a deep dive on uh, jeff

Definitely listen to his uh, marin episode. That was a great one. Oh, thanks. I think I was his 800th episode or something It's a it's a really crazy one. Yeah Yeah, you know, you know, you never think people are going to be prepared and then you know mark I know in my whole career and then he's like this is amazing interview and I'm like, yeah Oh, okay. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, it's it. You guys but one thing was disappointing That whole episode no fart clips at all. Not one fart clip Like it was really yeah kind of a downer just talk about what you love on your show and we love farts You guys keep it light and funny and that's kind of fun too. Yeah

Like sometimes I've been doing a thing called touchy subjects where I put in like the most awkward You know, michael jackson documentary effect. That's woman gets woman gets eaten by her own dog Like I like doing those kind of touchy subjects that I call Where we're not even talking about comedy and there's nothing you'll find out a lot of audiences Love segments. Hmm. So you bring up touchy subjects And then there's a hot guest coming on dude. Believe me That your your fan base is listening like I can't wait till we get to touchy subjects. Oh, yeah Yeah, I like that and then roast in peace at the end you get the death

They wanted they want it. They want it. They want had a good joke the other day about peter torque from the monkeys Yeah, you know, he died and I was a big fan and you know the monkeys revolutionized music Unless you've ever heard of the beetles the stones pink floyd Imagine dragons It's fun dealing with like the sad stuff. It is cathartic It's the best. I always yeah, I agree and you have to come from a little tragedy to

to appreciate it too Michael Jackson jokes. Do you have any great ones? Oh boy. I feel like Did you roast him when he died? I feel like you would be the master at I had a bunch of Michael Jackson jokes when he died. It was like already 10 years, right? Oh, yeah, isn't it crazy how it's come back around How like there was a time where everyone had like a Michael Jackson You know kid fucking joke or something right and then if you were to hear that joke a few years ago, you'd be like, okay And now it's like refreshed

Like yeah remix. Yeah, because of the environment we're in and you know I watched it and it was a very painful show to watch and I do admit. I only came twice It's hard to hold it in that whole time So much better What the fard or the Michael Jackson joke? I don't know what was a bigger relief man, um So download rate review and subscribe thick skin with jeff ross with jeff ross spotify apple

I don't know. I just signed up for all of them. I don't know. You should do google play. It's everywhere I don't have google play. I don't think you got to get on google play. What are you doing, man? Yeah, I gate the well androids out there. Okay Um watch bumping mics. Watch it on netflix. Keep your eyes peeled for the new dates He's gonna be touring with date with his nana david tell nana. Yeah We just put up the first two and it's where we started great out in uh, pennsylvania the sand I'm doing that next month. That's a great place. I love you. We've been there two weeks. Yeah, I did last year Bethlehem. I love that place for some reason. Dave and I always have great shows Bethlehem

Bethlehem PA and the Borgata which of course is a layup for us. That's where I'm from the harry and I love it. My family always comes. I love that you you're the opposite of a lot of comics in that sense too where All these shows you're at you're like, oh, it's so great. I can see so much family Yeah, we hate our families show up with like 30 people that like It's crazy because I'll have 25 people eating pastrami in my green room And dave will be alone right across the hall in his green room smoking. That's me talking to the stage manager That's me. I hate about who was there last week and why they didn't sell out like Just negative

And and then dave eventually will stick his head in and and and you know, we'll always go out afterwards You know, it's kind of fun where he's so negative and I'm so positive and then we meet somewhere in the middle It's hilarious. It's a great dynamic man. It is you guys are great to watch. It's so supportive and thanks for inviting me on Your podcast what a treat any time and all the advice and all the advice on podcast, please And I gave you gave you guys some some roasting advice. I'm gonna see you utilizing it. Hell. Yeah, dude. I'm on it You're your next gig Uh, Minneapolis Minneapolis April 4 through 6 acme comedy club. That's supposed to be a great spot. I've never done it It's you believe it. I'm so excited to finally go there

I haven't been there yet, but I lost my virginity to somebody who lives near there You're kidding. Yeah, should we look her up the great lewis lee How old are you when you lost your 17? Nice Kind of an older gent older gent 17 And what do you want him to be? I have 15. No, okay. Wasn't ready Oh, how old was she? I was she was the same. It was christmas eve nerds It was christmas eve when I was in high school 17. Maybe she was 18 and I was 17. I was 17 I fucking destroyed this girl nerds. Oh, you did not

I took I mean, I was pound town. She was stop it. Maybe a hundred pounds. I was 245 Yeah, is this your dalmatian girlfriend? This girl could barely lose your virginity to she barely spoke english Oh my god Exchange student costa rica. Oh stop. It's weird if she spoke english until you fucked it. And suddenly she was like, uh Do you do you still talk to your first, uh, love makings? Um No, I did see her when I was in did a show in minnesota You know a while back she came to the show and I brought her on stage and we both sat indian style on the stage and told the story Which was really fun. Yeah, it was beautiful. You're gonna have a great memorial, man

I know It's gonna be something better than brodies. I think so really was really hard to top, you know, bradley cooper was there, dude I know that was pretty big and Todd Phillips. Yeah, and ron white. That was crazy. That was crazy No, I think you're gonna have a great outpouring of love. Yeah. Yeah, you got a lot of friends Like you said, you're positive. You invite people to your home. Tom and I never do that. Really? We're very anti-social. We used to do the podcast out of our house, but like We we got this because we're like, yeah, I gotta stop having people over at the house We have two small children. I understand. Yeah, what are they doing right now? I'm looking for fart videos online

Child labor probably well, I just taught our three-year-old to say I took a dump Tom's not having it. Well, I'm like I'm kind of I'm like, it's funny But it's like he's saying it and I'm picturing him You know with other teachers and parents. He's like, I got a dump and I'm like All right, dump isn't a bad word. Okay. I guess that's fine. Hoopoo. Maybe there's other things he can learn first Like what? Like I love you mommy. Well, you think he says that We've covered that. That's the first thing he said. That's the first thing we taught him. I see. Yeah

No, he says other stuff, but I like take a dump. I just think it's funny. Yeah. Yeah It's funny. Dumping is great. Yeah, I'm actually It's funny like Last thing like, you know, I talk about we're talking about my jail shows and roasting and and working on the border and doing stuff that Has heart and maybe some meaning and a mission to it and then I've been just working out jokes Locally and they're all about shitting and farting and and dogs and It's like you it's like I went this crazy journey just to go right back to the first act. I ever did of course Yeah

It really all comes back. It really is it gave me the license to be silly always He's talking about how much we would love that um carlin Who was you know, such a brilliant guy and would dive into these Topics and break it down and and you would just be so blown away by his intellect and then After one of those incredibly well-constructed bits, it would be fart jokes And then you go back to something you have a fart so loud Like it'll be right after you know, who hates farts the most Medjits they live an ass height

Buddy hack it roast in peace All right, jeff ross. Thank you, sir 100 plus minutes. Thank you, nina. Thank you both. Thanks. Thanks Ymh hood snack by Falling water sound closing song This mother fucker This mother fuck This mother fucker This mother this mother fucker

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