Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 493-Kevin Christy & George Perez - Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

It's a tale as old as time, mommies. Someone is using the microwave for FISH. Someone is ready to burn it all down because of smelly food people. Christina encountered a few smelly food people back in her telemarketing days. The main mommies went on an overnight trip that flared the TEMPERATURE WARS once again. Also, is TOMMY BAHAMA, the uniform of the DAD? And Tommy did a stand up set in Espanol.   Next, the hilarious Kevin Christy jumps in and immediately gets into how appalling it is to sing out of context. The fact that nearly everyone hates their own bodies is revisited with Kevin AND have you ever tried to make a dancer sad? Finally, comedian George Perez is in the mommy dome and it is epic. Todd and Christine ask George EVERYTHING they've ever wanted to know about being in a gang and being in prison. You're gonna want solitary confinement after this one, Jean!

It's almost time what's that Jean Jean I am about to do one of the biggest runs I've ever done ever ever yeah I'm doing let's see two four six eight shows coming up I'm gonna be doing two shows in Madison two in Milwaukee two in Chicago and two in Nashville as of this recording you can still get tickets to the Madison late show on April 11th the late show April 12th has very few tickets left you might be able to get some there Chicago sold out April 13th but we added a show in June June 2nd and you can maybe get a few tickets at the late show in Nashville it's it's limited might be singles TomSquare.com slash tour let's see you

can get tickets to the late show April 28th in Medford Massachusetts that's just outside of Boston and May 1st in Portland, Oregon we have some tickets there the next day is sold out then there's a run of shows in Seattle at the moor and the only one with tickets left is April or excuse me May 5th go to TomSquare.com slash tour and I should also point out that we are announcing the take it down towards second half of the year shows if you signed up for the email on my site you will get the email announcing the code and the list of cities before anybody else on April 9th that's the date that it email comes out the

following day it'll be announced to the public tickets but you can get advanced tickets if you sign up TomSquare.com slash tour it prompts you to an email list you can get those tickets and that email will come to you April 9th Gene you're gonna be in Minneapolis Minneapolis this week April 4 through 6 at the Acme Come On new club and then May 10th through 11th the 10p at the 10p improv May 31st through June 1st Flappers comedy club here in Sperm Bank California and then June 20th through 22nd and Washington Dick Come at the Dick Come improv also if you haven't seen it I have two Netflix specials

under the name Christina P just the letter P you don't have to spell my horrible last name I have my our mother inferior and my half hour the degenerates also Ryder dye t-shirts for sale at our store what is it Tom merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura yeah it's under Tommy's page check out the shirts they're very awesome yeah you said Washington right you're going to Washington Dick Come 620 through 22 yeah very excited in a little while here I can I think I could put it on this show we should mention there's a couple items will be added to the store when this episode comes out so it's pretty exciting excite me it's

pretty amazed it's pretty excited Gene this is gonna be a really fun show we have a lot of good things to play for you guys and we have some amazing guests so without further ado let's start the show this is just a memo or a letter to people who microwave or cookfish at work or just in a you know public space without some type of consent fuck you who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this Christina oh yeah that lady had a really good message yeah that's disrespect you know

remind you of the disrespect of somebody microwaving fish in a public place is the disrespect of people who board flights with food stinky food stinky food I know onions and bring curry on mind I won't first of all why don't just eat that in the terminal eat that you don't want to eat that sitting next because they're selfish from NASA they're oblivious they're narcissists yeah they're just horrible people yeah bad no you know it's board flights and you're like you're a piece of shit but you want to know is even nastier when you're getting your time massage and then the waft of curry goes because they live in the

room like ten of them sleep in that tiny little shoebox they're just massage slaves you know about slave labor now but that's the only place they can eat so that's why I don't get so furious I know but that's why I don't go to places because it's a bummer and you smell their pen and curry it's not funny and I'm hungry you're in the front room and then you're like he's a restroom before this and then you go to the break room you're like just hits you like a wave vegetables today huh and you see like ten people eating out of their Tupperware like looking up at you oh gotta get some fuel for all this work we're doing

and then there's like a cot yeah extra tip okay for so relaxed but also could you take it out back you take your food out back don't microwave the curry how is it no one's like pushed back on that hard enough yet huh but the slave labor yeah yeah like guys with the food I know your slaves yeah I know your slaves could you please take this outside catch me outside yeah my curry outside my my my wife from 2011 just learned catch me outside can I tell you what though I was thinking about it it's because I've been in the haze of raising children for last yeah four years of toddler and baby land you just last week she's like catch me

outside how about that have you heard this I'm like yeah have you seen the Macarena a little bit of Gina in my life Gangnam style man guys I don't have much you know what I mean my life isn't cool it's like this and then my children should we talk about this real quick forget so two things two things are coming to this they're in the store now actually if you're if you're watching by now it's there so one is the battle for championship status has never slowed down between us and we've had so many people weigh in that was the fun thing about the water champion interesting I'm drinking water right now but here's a fascinating

thing about the water battle okay I my doctor told me to stop drinking so much water sure but people have everywhere in in person in emails direct messages tweets all then bring out who's the water champ in their lives yes it goes back and forth and they've also hit us up they're like how do you not have a water bottle we do I know this is finally a well-designed well insulated you know you can carry around and has like the thing that flips up and right what are you called water with your mom you flip it up I can't even think of the word yeah what it's a water canteen yeah yeah anyway what is this shit called

what's that huh it's like a built-in straw right yeah but it's like a built-in thing at the top that you can suck sippy yes you know it's an adult sippy it's an adult sippy bottle anyways it's got it's branded it says water champ says your mom's house podcast it's in the store but what I'm most excited about I've never been this excited about a piece of merch in my life I did if you have not seen it I did or listened to episode two of Dr. Drew's new podcast that we produce is called Dr. Drew after dark it has been an amazing thing that has that like every week new guests and there's episodes with Christina Bobby Lee

Steve Oh Burt just did one who else we got we got hardwick coming up because hardwick oh my god so when I was on with him he brought up because we had been watching Uncle Terry stuff well because in my episode I did episode one you did with Uncle Terry discussed Uncle Terry and then when by the time you came on yeah he was like revisited he wanted to revisit and he goes you know I talked to Christina about this about what do you think is the like the biggest thing someone should put in their anus right and he he said that what do you think hot topic well I just said like it depends who we're talking about he said

well the average person I was like because there's some people that do double anal so he goes that's not the average person right and he said that he he thought that what the biggest thing somebody should put in their anus is if you make the okay sign that's this is a medical professional telling right he's like the okay sign is is the extent of how great you should go sounds good and I said what about triple anal and he was like no no no no and then he said I said you know there's some things that can happen that if you know that's all we had to do was the first five minutes we're good we're good so anyways so

anyways he ended up using the express I said you shouldn't do double anal huh he goes yeah you shouldn't prolapse your anus and in that moment I said I think you just made your first shirt and he was like oh god what am I doing with my life and my career this medical degree but I didn't forget that so I immediately reached out to one of my favorite shirt designers at mod ink tease in Augusta and they I pitched them the whole thing what happened they came up with this shirt and then I had to reach out to Drew and his team and be like can we do this shirt and he was like fine so we have you shouldn't prolapse your anus signed to

Dr. Drew with the okay symbol and they can see this I mean come on I've never it's been happier about a shirt that we've ever done it's in the store go shouldn't prolapse your anus you should keep it here I mean yeah and the best part is that it's Dr. Drew approved it's science it's medicine this is not a joke okay yeah yeah yeah we got it was that my step mom really really awesome so this is back to Jean this is the lady I love this ladies message yeah and mantra and everything so far hold on she does meet the criterion for a good ymh video well she doesn't have a great set I'll tell

her terrible any other room in the house even the bathroom would have been better than the depressing but I'll tell you this she is she's with it she's on point she's coherent she knows what's going on and her message her message is one that you cannot deny is absolutely accurate okay you should not microwave fish in a public set oh no go ahead this is just a memo or a letter to people who microwave or cook fish at work or just in a you know public space without some type of consent fuck you I mean that from the bottom of my heart fuck you fuck your mama fuck your daddy fuck the horses you rode in on fuck everybody

who loves you cares about you become a part of making you the person that you are today lover you fuck them fuck all of y'all oh my god I found my new best friend how can I hang out with her public area I don't give a damn if it was the last thing that you could eat I don't give a fuck if it was the only thing that you could eat that month that shit is in considered as fuck you know what fish smell like you know what it smell like you knew what it smell like before you came in you knew damn well then when he does apply to fish is staying she right you know what I love the most about this conceptually though is I just

love the way the world works sometimes where you know that she was at work today yes and somebody made fish at work yeah and in that setting she just had to look down right and just you know maybe did a couple passive aggressive things like yeah the hell's that you know maybe a couple things like that yeah and then talked to a couple of people you smell that yeah and you know but then like when the person walked by you had to just kind of just look at them yeah and carried that feeling home all day all day carried at home set up a camera yeah made this recording and like gets the like vents it out in a cut in a healthy

way yeah gets it out and then there's the possibility probability that someone at work will see this yeah and maybe it'll get to the person you you hope that yeah you heard the offenders gonna get the message they never do well no because they're so yeah here I'm gonna take it one step further having I remember working in an office it's not the first time this has happened no of course there is the person who's the repeat offender the oblivious person that does the same behavior every day that is infuriating and this is like the final but you gotta have such blinders on to go you know people are terrible I

know it's the same it's that same piece of shit who boards the flight yeah yeah here you go I brought some fish stew on a flight like what are you doing man I know I used to have this girl when I worked in cubicles I was selling a telemarketing time and she would talk very loudly on her phone and laugh like a donkey yeah all day all day and I'm like you know that everyone else is trying to focus doesn't know and would laugh like a porn girl you know like that nervous porn star like yeah like everything is a laugh yeah that girl's cool I love that girl that's that girl it's funny we were talking about the show

you before we rolled and Josh and love that show I know so do I where I tore through them all and the guys in the booth everybody was saying that I see I thought the girl the love interest in you the blondie I thought you guys all had it for her well she's that she is that that character is extremely well and specifically constructed so it's not that like people are like this missive of her is that she's supposed to represent something that you're a the illusion of perfection right you see all these flaws and things that you would kind of lose interest in right but what would you because I thought you guys

all had a you know your Schmeckles were hard for her because she's like you blonde she's kind of a Dalmatian she's not causing too many yeah that's the appeal it's in probably a smash appeal yeah right right she doesn't push back she's pretty game to F she's totally game yeah she's gonna explain to me so she's not the ideal woman well ultimately you know I mean it depends like person-to-person what they like but I think in the show yeah she's just a very attractive fun kind of idealistic person who's ambitious but then you you see like how insecure she is how annoying yeah how you know she's crippled with

self-doubt which is not necessarily that's a normal thing to feel but she's more complicated than just you see the first time you're exposed or you just see her as a pretty face right you go right beautiful girl and then what's the turn-offs that she's like annoying how what don't you like no it's not like it's you know it's just like anybody when you get to know them there's just different levels of things going on so there's things about her as you watch the show where the character you might find appealing and then there's things that are not I mean she's ultimately doesn't really know who she is annoying and

she's not she's really actually not like non-committal remember when they come I don't want to give away the show but right she's not like cool actually she doesn't really treat him so cool yeah I mean no you know and then kind of comes back around but I'm just saying like it's not just she's not presented in the show as like I'm a piece of ass that's not really the right no point of the character no but I thought yeah yeah no I hear you okay but I mean okay I mean there's crazy there's a couple crazy chicks in the show that make their smuggles harder that's what I was you know peachy's peaches peaches the guys in

the back where peaches is fucking down now why is that so what do you like about her over the lead girl what's what's the appeal to PG well you don't know her as well so it's it's easier to be intimate with her yeah and then it's good talk about them there she's she's rough you know she's got she's the one that like you could get some chains and like you could you know really kind of I don't think you got me you know a blondie can do that with peaches I think peaches is down for a good time I do I think I think peaches you could spit in her face you could do okay well all right great okay moving along we have some other

topics we we took our overnight we did our mommy daddy hotel stay overnight I recommend that to anybody that has children if you if you can yeah what you call yeah call the grandparents call your you know your sibling your your the best babysitter you know and go can you watch the kids for what is coming to house one night one night and what we ended up doing was sleeping you can't nap when you have little what you never we never know you try to nap and then you just hear screaming and crying I loved it oh my god I loved it until we had dinner well hold on first of all I took a two-hour nap let's talk about that

was pretty ridiculous and then I slept for 11 hours that's how exhausted I was and then we went to dinner and it was a you know patio seating and in Los Angeles is right now the weather is on the border of being acceptable to eat outside at night so there's heat lamps and I I asked to be sat under the heat lamp because I'm very cold and I they turned it up nice and high it turned it up to full blast like you like if it were 30 and you're like I need a heat lamp to see it sit outside they did that except it was about 68 felt good and then I was nice and toasty and then you were sitting next to me in the booth and

then I and then I'm high that's the first thing ain't high and I go you're wearing but you're wearing I don't talk like that you fucking Momo that's what I hear it as well because you're dumb come oh my god fucking says that wow okay I can now here's where it gets even diced who says that you would never say that crying about how hot you are so you are wearing a sweatshirt first of all y'all know let the record show okay I was wearing a normal hoodie a normal like that in that temperature it was like appropriate like that would keep you sufficiently hot take off a layer if you're hot but you wouldn't take off

your out because what you did was you have a mental problem and you have and the heat lamp it literally felt like you were just sitting next to an open oven I cranked the 500 and you're like let's just sit next to this open oven and it felt great so here's the deal man so you were sat next to me and then you say I go okay so then move away so that you don't you're sitting and then so you sat across from me so now you're as far away from the heat lamp as you can be and I thought that would solve the problem but then I watched you get more and more agitated it was like a silent buildup of rage like I was stupid right

like how you're looking at me right now like that's silent rage and I was like and then I okay then I finally a gave in and I had them turn it down remember or you got up and you turn no that was the last thing so he turned down and then I came next to you and I cuddled you and I said why are you I go where you are you mad at me for having it so hot and you're like yes you're ruining dinner yeah I'm really legitimately mad at me like you got really mad yeah of course but I'm cold why are you mad at me for feeling because it's stupid feeling out of my it's not grow up but I can't control how I was raised in LA it's warm here I'm

used to being warm it was ridiculous you ruined everybody's dinner people at the other tables were like dinners being ruined yes they did you know you were the only one I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupidity that guy makes a lot of sense so he gets mad at me because of my my cold threshold is and then we're driving in the car yesterday to the country club aka the mall yeah and you were showing me how you could sporty drive you first of all I was not showing you how I could sporty drive yeah we're in a Jeep Cherokee with a v6 like a normal engine nothing crazy about this car and I the light turns green I turn we're going straight I hit

the gas we hit 40 NEM yes we did 46 and the the speed limits 35 maybe 40 at the most in that and you go you're scaring me I was like what and you go you're scaring me I go why would you be scared don't tell me when to feel fear right look and then he and then he gets mad at me for feeling fear wait but why can't I be scared I mean you can but don't you think that's like you got mad at me for feeling I hit 40 miles an hour it's not crazy it's crazier that you felt fear you've been in a car for how many years you did you were doing 46 and a 35 and you accelerated very quickly and we were by the mall and I thought you've somehow got to slow down to get into the parking lot let me tell you this scenario if it were a kid in the car

and the kid was like no no the kid was like I'm scared you'd be like all right you shouldn't feel fear because this is how cars move but you'd be like okay and then later on you'd be like hey that kid's a fucking idiot look all I'm saying is you were you really scared again what were you scared for I don't like the feeling listen I drive it here's right 40 listen listen I drive a jeep Cherokee because I don't like going fast okay I'm driving to the mall and back that's my life I don't do fucking anything okay so I like to drive the speed I go slow I listen to my radio you know what I mean and then for you to get in my car and do your your race car driving it was very I don't like it it's startling I like to go slow listen let me tell you something I just renewed my license

online why because I have no moving violations I have no tickets I have nothing I get that privilege because I'm a safe driver yeah I thought I was gonna get ticket last night good I wish you would have why to teach you a lesson about your sporty driving sporty driving you almost got a ticket I thought I was gonna get one yeah uh-oh for speeding yeah on the on the freeway it was you know 11 o'clock okay freeway cool so we went to the country club yesterday and walking around and we made a few observations number one we saw we always make fun of that store as we walk by it the Tommy Bahama store yeah yeah I can't believe that that store thrives in this market and for like 20 30 years now my stepdad my Indian stepdad god rest his soul he's dead now he loved Tommy Bahama and he was a

big big guy like he was he got real fat yeah and he loved it he was official dad status official dad status and that's really what Tommy Bahama is all about catering to the official dad market yeah because like you you've pretty much given up right if you're wearing like a Tommy Bahama floral yeah my most disgusting friends um who are who gave up a while ago but oddly enough you have to give up but have some money because they're not cheap is that I didn't know that how much how much is a Tommy can you bring up a shirt so we can see so the audience can see what we're talking about in case they don't know yeah it's like it's a very specific style they make some really large cuts right isn't that the whole thing is that the whole thing well I have some really

fat friends that wear them oh look they have women's clothes at Tommy Bahama oh oh there it is now go back to that oh yeah look it says big and tall oh that's why well that's why my stepdad was into it yeah now it makes sense yeah yeah there's a dad right there those are dad shirts yeah but go to the floral that's like the tip of the dad burg yeah that's um it's like the button downs that's what my um stepdad loved there you go that guy that's the official there there it is there you go that's that's how I picture time but how much are those shirts fuck click on that one hundred and what 140 you gotta have your dad with a job that's a fortune 150 for that shirt no way yeah so you can't even buy it as a gag you can't be like I bought a Tommy Bahama shirt I know that's a fortune

hundred and is that say 160 oh my god for that shit man fuck that's margaritaville that's the dad who's like listens to Kokomo and but see here's what happens you're you know you're 360 whatever four pounds you're like I gotta wear like a decent shirt yeah they make you this 6x you know and you then you look like I'm trying you know I'm dressing nice but it really is really but patterns when you're fat it's it's even worse you gotta go minimalist when you're fat right yeah I guess I don't know but there's like you know there's outdoorsy dads and vacation dads vacation dads want to look good and have fun even if they're real fat you know I cannot get over the prices I have no idea I guess they want to price is that one 170 oh my god

on the right that one oh my god shirts are terrible that shirt no welcome to a real world spelled r e l with a like a swordfish jumping out the Tommy Bahama lounge that's a hundred and seventy dollars get the heck out of here for a t-shirt fit for the oh fit for the island life yeah it's for vacation dads that's why they're dropping that kind of coin so banana I had no look at wait let's see the size chart what's the size chart oh yeah what's it go up to four four okay that's pretty big well that is yeah yeah it's for like a real dad what's what does that say XLB what's XLB is that what that says yeah I'm not a hundred percent sure what open the size chart look at the thinnest guy here knows what's up I know

yeah we were gonna the voice of the man you just heard any works here too like the coolest yeah hippest guy we wanted to buy him some kind of Bahama stuff but then we realized he'd make that shit cool yeah we'd lose the whole point of the laugh oh there's five XL on the big oh yeah but hey I give it I give it you're right I like what you're saying that if you're you know you listen I just had you know I'm eight months now postpartum and when you're heavier than you normally are it's important to dress up even if you're in the process of losing weight or whatever but really brought us to the point that we were talking about I was telling you how I'm still kind of not in the body that I'd like to I'm still losing weight and and how everyone hates their

bodies everybody does everybody I even I was an H&M and there is this adorable 20-something year old girl trying on a shirt with her friend and she's like I don't know at this it looks I look fat and I and I said this to her like as a mom like I told mom I was like I go sweetie I've just I'm overhearing you you look amazing you're so pretty just buy the damn shirt I said just do it what she's saying mind your business you fucking bitch no I wish but her friend was like see I told you she was like yeah that lady that crazy lady's right he was talking you know yeah basically it's totally true I mean I hate my body so much and I try not to just dwell on it all the time of course we all but then like my trainer who I work out with a few times a week last week

he's like oh I'm doing a 75 day challenge and I go what's that he's like you work out twice a day for 75 days and I was like why he was like well just you know I try to get in I'll let kind of let myself go a little bit I was like what like this dude's body is amazing like I see him in a t-shirt and short I'm like we talking you're totally ripped he's like nah that's not like I used to be and now he's working out twice a day for 75 days crazy he's like you know I go do you notice any difference there's been like a week or two now he's like oh yeah I've been taking pictures and we're talking like minuscule differences but to him I yeah in his mind when he sees in the mirror I don't know very few people I think go like I love my body I agree we all kind of I do now

because I go like look what my body made it made two wonderful humans that we adore more than now I kind of really admire those people that don't have perfect bodies but you can tell they really accept their bodies I know I kind of admire them wait how do we get there is that therapy is that I don't know I've talked about it in therapy a lot your but yeah yeah and what's the solution you know it's what you think it is that's what it is what's that to fucking love and then there's people that um like your body and think that you're I do I think you're perfect you're adorable you know I mean but you'd like it hot outside I think I love your tushy this morning your tushy's adorable I was looking at it thanks babe I love your twig and berries thanks adorable

yep shoulders handsome nice shoulders that's when you know you have a shit body when someone's like your elbows they're great you got nice wrists you're like thanks get good shoulders I know no one look at your knees they've got beautiful knees but don't you wish you could tell your 20 year old self because even when I was 20 and I weighed nothing and I was super skinny I still was like yeah I'm still fat like dude don't you wish you could tell your 20 year old self like hey you think you're fat now oh my god wait until you're 40 I remember it makes me want to cry the time where I was uh you just wait I had lost all this weight so I got really fat and then I lost all this weight I lost like 70 pounds oh my god I was in the best shape

I'd ever been in and I remember I was on I was on a trip and I was with a buddy of mine and we were it was like a like a spring break kind of thing it was hot outside I didn't really know him that well like I knew him but I was like I know how fair-skinned I am I was like dude I gotta ask you something and then we're in college so I was like will you put this sunblock on my back because I'll burn and he was like yeah I don't care and I was like all right cool he goes I mean why would I care putting a sunblock on a some fat guy and I was like fuck I was like a fucking like no in my head I was like I'm still fat I just lost 70 pounds oh god so I was like this so in my head I was like I'm still fat now fuck now that was like fuck I was 21 you know yeah it's a farmer and then someone

asked me if I was pregnant yesterday that felt good too really no no you walked her into that one I haven't she didn't she didn't understand what you were saying well you're like you're like I just had um having this baby and she and she and she understood I'm having this baby and then she was like oh you're pregnant yeah but okay whatever the nail lady asked me if I was yeah but that lady I mean she's foreign you know foreigners they don't know anything she's heating up a curry in the back room they don't even speak English go fucking sleep outside you tell her that why don't you do my nails to shut the fuck up don't you love that we have this show we don't have anybody telling us what we can and can't say you know what f mcdonalds the long zan okay so um you know I did um I I

didn't I don't think I don't even know if I mentioned it before on this show yeah I actually did uh a set in Spanish last night I know I'm so proud of you that must have been so hard it was it was something I've always wanted to do like I've been wanting I've wanted to do this for years I've always done little bits of Spanish like not in every special but I think I've done it in two where I've mentioned something like you're cursing or you have to go yeah or I'll tell like one story that involves the fact that I you know was raised speaking Spanish and I'll I'll do a bit but like you know we're talking of an hour show one minute or something but I always was like oh man because Spanish has been or say that's been getting bigger in Spanish language countries the last few years

it's really starting to grow and I was like I wonder if I could do a full set in Spanish yeah I'm so fucking great I've been talking to a couple guys about it for a few months and they're like yeah we do it every once in a while and I was like yeah I want to do it but I was kind of like you know hesitant I was like I don't know if I can actually do it so anyways a few weeks ago uh Francisco Ramos hits me up he's like we're going to do the show do you want to do it I love him by the way he's great he's great nicest guy and he's like Ricky Ricardo like the guy's got yeah that kind of he's got that Hollywood energy yeah very positive very funny yeah and he's like do you want to do it and I just without even thinking I go yes I want to do it and then I was and then I see them

put the poster out like the flyer and I was like oh like Sabado Domingo yeah but I'm like this is real there's a guy in a bee costume on there there's a guy in clown makeup but you have to write really big bits for like that like we did the thing so they put the these guys I guess they do it semi-regularly so Fabrizio Copano is a Chilean comic I love when you speak Mexican this dude he already he's like it's exciting sexually to me I love it he's why I married you why don't you Latin it up more you know I love Puerto Rican and Jesus Trejo and Francisco Ramos and so anyways they do the show called uh trifecta we did it with uh I think who else was on the show fuck this guy Jota something

Colombian guy Richard Villa Felipe Esparza Felipe's been on the show on your mom's house also last night so anyways we sign up to do it show sells out like in the first day was at the lab and then um and then I'm like oh shit I'm writing this stuff and then I'm I'm basically having Francisco help me so I would send him my jokes and he was like you should say it this way not this way he's translating stuff for me my god thank god and then I'm like I actually I realized that I was having the same feelings for this show that I had doing stand up 17 years ago like when that 17 years ago when I started doing stand up you we would book you know you'd have like at first you'd have one show a month let's say you'd go I'm doing stand

up next month and that's it that's your show for six or eight weeks or something and as you get closer to that show you're writing things out like full length pages and you're reviewing them and then you're starting to get like you're editing as you get closer and you're getting nervous and you wake up thinking about your show you had so much pressure to do that show and I don't have those feelings like that obviously more because I've done it for this many years but this Spanish show was kind of close to that where I mean I didn't pop out of my sleep but I was like walking around thinking about how am I gonna because you have to think about like you don't get any reps in Spanish so you don't know like practicing yeah what's gonna work what's not gonna work

what's gonna happen as far as timing and saying the punchline the right way anyways it went great I had the best time doing it good I'm definitely gonna do it again and um it's exciting I had a great time so I appreciate those guys that how do you you say things that you know you just translate your current act so you're like I did two things I did things that were specifically just for a Spanish language audience so I wrote material just for the show and then I also translated some things I'm doing right now into Spanish you're like you ever think your wife's a dumb bitch yeah something like that like is your wife angry you with how cold she gets yeah and they're like yeah give her that nut yeah yeah yeah

I'm so excited about the Spanish Tom I'd like to see more of Spanish Tom Spanish Tom's gonna be working it out more I love it I think so hey happy tacos in my pockets everybody do you like the tacos you like that but do what you're lula is that what you're gonna open with you next time maybe you know it's funny I did that show last night at one point I asked who in the audience had kids and like one tablecloth and I was like what the f**k in a latin show is this a whole room of latin people and one table has kids how's that even right I mean that's never that never happens all they do is f**k okay well I mean that's very problematic if you speak Spanish you're f**king from the fifth grade that's really what's up well you've said that before

that growing up in Florida especially in Miami that was a different culture very over six Miami Miami you're like I have a Pokemon and they're like you finger girls too and you're like what I'm in elementary school and they're like so are we man it's Miami they're really crazy down there at least they were when I was growing up yeah the first time I was sexually harassed I was like 11 or 12 and it was like this latin dude I went to school with and he was like he goes he goes damn girl you got a body that just won't quit and I was like 11 and I was like what I don't even have a body yet you know what I mean you did to him I was like all right cool you did to him I got my kids on I'm wearing a f**king spit I'm wearing a training

bra you f**king I'm not gonna repeat all right Jesus mother so rolling into sponsors let's do you know what it is no when you're Puerto Rican you're just Puerto Rican your mom's house will be right back friend of ours comedian comedian writer director writer choreographer entrepreneur long overdue vessel a vessel sovereign citizen it is oh I tried to join a fake sovereign country once out of a magazine I just remembered that there is this art magazine I think it was called cabinet and they did an article about like areas that were like specific enough to where like someone had formed a fake sovereign country that you could and I sent like

my f**king social number basically to somewhere in Australia because there was like a building where one of the floors was considered a sovereign country and you could become a citizen of it and I was like do it and so and I didn't get anything in the mail do you send a check to no it wasn't any money I just sent like my info like can I please become a citizen of this fake country but then you have to pay taxes to them no I think that was the whole I think that's why people do it is to not pay taxes I love it I'm a country you can't charge me s**t I'm a country I'm a country I'm a country that's why they tried to do in that wild wild country dark maybe where they were like we're our own state or city or whatever I also realized that like at a certain

point if enough people said they are you kind of would have to acknowledge it right yeah if enough people say anything eventually you're like fine yeah that's how words get defined they're like well that's what the word means now like impactful it's not really a word and then enough people say it and it becomes a word yeah it is a word it what it is now it wasn't 10 years ago swear to god yeah now back to the most important thing at hand right before we started rolling irregardless irregardless go ahead rip freddy soto rest in peace freddy soto irregardless one of the great bits of all time is that what about his dad how his dad said irregardless I didn't know that we didn't know that his dad would he would the bit was about inserting that word

no places where it didn't belong he'd say it all the time it was great this is such a great bit no yeah but you brought up a really good phrase and I it's like I've been waiting my whole life for somebody to say it the way you just did out of context singing yes I hate it I fucking hate it too yep give me an example people that can sing think they're blessing us all the time with their beautiful voice so you're in the frozen food aisle and you just hear shut your damn mouth yeah I didn't ask for this I'm not running bits or or hold on oh stop the whistling fuck you with sir I bad with I at gelson's yesterday several people was whistling along with the the music and I and at myself I was like stop it yeah and so I stopped yeah no but here's

what I hate too is like you're watching a talk show and the the young ingenue is there and the host goes oh you're a singer sing us something barf and then they're forced to sing without any music or any preparation and it makes me I can sing that was pretty so I have a good song I have a good voice to go for it go tell me do you like it I hate that's it makes me so uncomfortable then the person has to sing on cue that's like someone like I'm a comedian tell me a joke and you're like that literally the worst the worst so I was in the I was in the hallway at the comedy store and some lady was talking to the person next to me and she goes are you going on I said yeah and she goes

oh so like what's your act and I wanted to joke I just was go I go I tell jokes and I looked at her in a way that told her you're wrong for what you just did yeah yeah how'd she respond she was like ah yeah you call her a stupid cat no you kind of could have I said it with my eyes yeah sag after that's the worst is uh what's it all about what do you do up there like like if I knew that I wouldn't be here if I had a sense of what anything was about I wouldn't be here right point I wouldn't be clawing at the walls of approval yes oh my god yeah it's the worst yeah that question is the worst also what do you do up there I don't want who wants that kind of stand up at this point like that kind of perfectly encompassed but um sphere of of your of your

persona so you can then sell it to you know NBC I'm so past the anger of being asked that question now for like so many years that now when I get asked I swear to you I just got asked some of your comedian yeah and like what do you do I don't really know by the way that is I know a true yeah and the perfect answer I don't know I don't know I don't really know what I'm doing I don't know what I'm doing 98 percent of the time I go it's not that good and and I yeah I wouldn't go it's weird that people let me still and um I don't know why I've done it for so long and I wake up confused almost every day yeah all right and they'll probably be like me too we're like oh rad what do you do Kevin what are you acting on these days you're always acting on some

nothing are you talking about nothing oh I think the last thing I oh you liked masters of sex god damn it and then I got yeah I fell out of it just because we got so busy with kiddos and life and stuff but you're so fantastic on that that's nice of you thank you yeah thank you you've done a bunch of cool stuff I'm lucky I've done a bite my my look fits squarely into a category so I've always been lucky that they need someone who looks like they can work a machine it is weird to live in this town for this long and like you're just flipping through channels sometimes you're like holy shit I know that guy yeah like in news shows you're like hey Scott yeah yeah it is it's weird that like I don't watch any of my friend shows one of my friends why it's just it's become all of our

jobs yeah so you're just like oh cool like I only know my friends are working when I call them they're like I'm in New Mexico like okay like that's how you find out yeah something very rare that I fall in love with a show and I loved a masters of sex it was you know objectively it was a like I can say like that was a very good show because I wasn't there from like the I started like halfway through the first season so I was able to watch it without me on it and I was like oh shit these people are good I better try hard yeah and for those who don't know it's about Johnson and Johnson and how they create like they studied people's sexual habits and such informed masters and masters and job but then it became Johnson and no that's not that's different people oh sorry but every by the

way everyone does that wait but I googled it I fell at whatever but masters and just they just pioneered sex research there you go they map the female orgasm stuff like that nice right down between the legs yeah that's the stuff that goes on I've heard about him flick it like that so you turn it check on didn't you love I'm so like heaven's a juvenile as we are some guests come in here is this turn you on I go like no right here no not that and not that like that that's good too this is all good stuff like that huh and then you go like that oh my god it's so similar to when a Nintendo game would freeze you just blow on it and then you're like now now do we get married that turns you on you are so nasty you too you nasty you love that Puerto Rican stuff I do and I

love that my husband just did his first set in Spanish last night in Espanol so I feel like I have like rocking Espanol season you season you I feel like I have a new Spanish lover now you should wait a minute you've never role played you've had a Spanish speaker this entire time and I've never had him say let's do this in Spanish I wish you just get the boy yeah listos at least like it or at least listos like standing naked in the corner what's the Mexican fantasy I mean we have what's the Mexican fantasy in LA we're predominantly Mexican yeah what's the Mexican fantasy right like what are we gonna do what's the role oh you're obviously the lady at home and I'm like the gardening team and I just come over like this that seems like obvious some of

your like racist assumptions but for me what's obvious is you're a successful third generation business owner oh you made your way in America long enough and then you get to play the role of like the poor white woman who's coming to you for help whoa yeah I don't like it you put her in a little jail you go to a little jail I like the guys coming in all dirty yeah I like it the code for the gate I can't get in hey like the sprinkler no working miss you're like my husband will be home soon and he's like he's okay I come fast that's not a good pitch I come fast that can't be part of anyone's fantasy that's it is you're like there's a rush go go and then he's like okay I mean like six guys come in oh okay I mean okay okay what happens is like every time you're facing

away your heads your heads in the trash and then every time I I do a new accent so you keep thinking it's a different guy do you ever wonder what the small talk is like between guys at a gang bang yeah yeah I do there's no way there's none right it's gotta be something and it's not there's no way it's all about the gang bang right so at some point it's gotta be like maybe do you think there's like a circuit where those guys go to more than one so like did you're looking jacked you're working out like the notices definitely Steve lost weight do you look great you look great I think there's things about shoes like oh yeah do you keep your shoes on for one of those oh that's the big I gotta guess the floor slippery yeah yeah no that's the big thing like you wear shoes like that's why you

you know they're like amen you don't want to be walking around this side I didn't realize yeah yeah you're right you're right you're right you should wear galoshes I'd think if I even walked near a gang bang set I would have a hazmat suit right hoses out on like I'd walk in hoses on isn't it crazy too that you're always all like you and all these guys constantly you're always stroking and talking you're like yeah you know yeah yeah legers are fucked up this year huh and you're just even with LeBron they got nothing out there like no playoffs literally they did not make the playoffs here one guy's got to work his nipples yeah because he needs it he's got a job to do that's right that's really true let's talk about your body it's gotta work his nipples this is a

perfect segue to his body we were just talking about how much we hate our bodies yeah and how everybody hates even people with great bodies yeah true bodies I almost think maybe they hate it more because they become more informed about what it could be right and where they're at you hate yours too whoa oh girl see I look at yours I'm like this guy's got it he's got it yeah you've got it together you're thin you've got cool tattoos I've been trying I've been trying now for six months like I just saw the other day I've been going to the gym five days a week probably for six months just to look just to still hate my body and only look okay from like 50 feet away in clothing 50 feet that's not bad though it's not bad but looking good in clothing over a certain age

that's the whole goal yeah fuck you're never gonna look good naked over 40 no it's your Dr. Drew who's like jacked apparently well that you have to take he's been doing yeah he is jacked yeah yeah I mean he's in a couple places oh and then like David Goggins like that guy like that guy's like ripped he's a former seal and fitness former yawn yeah um he runs like 25 miles a day fascinating in like I learned so much at an early age from that show like in yeah teenager same year love line love line because you grew up here in LA and you listen to k-rock right yeah Sunday nights love line was that Sunday night yeah poor man poor man and Dr. Drew I learned everything but did you know that we have a podcast with Dr. Drew now Dr. Drew after dark Friday's at noon

oh be fun be fun he's a smart guy and the like all those damn kids yeah it airs what oh Friday's at noon those kids are like we're probably growing up now who's that they are his children oh yeah yeah the college age weird yeah how many are there three yeah triplets three to send to college at once yeah yikes and that's crazy so I model sometimes too I just get extra money if Dr. Drew became a male prostitute he'd do well oh my god he'd be ideal he could do one of those themed cruises where like you go and you pay and you get to like rub oil on him yeah he might I feel like you know a lot about yeah what well there's all those weird themed cruises now that's a great you guys can do what's this cruise the oh the Dr. Drew oil cruise I don't know I made it up oh

there's enough obscure cruises now to that would be a fine one what do you want to rub oil on this guy well there's like Star Trek cruises I would rub oil on Dr. Drew it'd be my play who am I to not want to yeah considering what he's given me and the rest of the world it's true am I I haven't done anything to say I shouldn't be excited about rubbing some oil to make sure he doesn't get burned he he could be a prostitute for women like yeah yeah yeah not just a gay man both yeah both I wonder I'd love to see that I would love to hear about this kind of standards what what women stupid who want a male prostitute are looking for you never watch jiggalows no that's really good is that a real thing was a showtime yeah but is it scripted or real no it's

like a semi scripted but it's like it follows a real escort agency oh shit yeah but you can tell that the girls are looking so the website has different genres of dudes like if you like the sensitive ponytail guy who says namaste yoga there's him there's him yeah there's the bad boy bad boy Kevin Christie of the crew basically and then there's a smart sensitive type which is the Kevin Christie no do you have a bad boy do you think it's weird that you guys hear the argument in my head do you guys think that the sensitive guy is really just that's one of the hose that's one of the hose yeah this one which genre is he in that body's crazy yeah but I but he was on it because I follow him on Instagram he was just on Instagram being like I'm on a new diet go to get

my abs to pop that's it from people I know who work out a lot to look like that is your entire life it's a commitment yeah it's not calling it it's it's your job yeah you are pretty miserable all the time I mean I follow all the my Instagram sucks now because I follow fitness things so like my explorer page is just fitness shit you're really dead you're being serious about this I'm because you know what it was I was in pain like I have a weird back the pain clinic yeah and so I just was like I'm tired of hurting my back doing nothing yeah so I was like maybe if I if I exercise it'll get better and it has kind of yeah yeah for sure yeah yeah because where's your where's your back is it lower back lower back pain like I heard I hurt my back a while ago I don't even know what I

did it just all of a sudden it was like I heard a sound and I was like oh here goes a week like you lose a week or two of your life every time it happens and passes certain age like this is bullshit you know I hurt my back playing football in fifth grade mm-hmm like I slipped a disc yeah in fifth grade and I still is that possible yeah I didn't realize yeah of course no I had I went and got MRIs and everything they're like oh you have spiny live thesis of the fifth lumbar third degree and ever I mean that means I'm 10 years old I guess when that means you have to become a third degree black belt to fix it oh dude it's still are we doing taekwondo guys or what let's get in let's do it it still it gives me problems valley taekwondo yeah damn homie yeah no it's

serious and you don't want to get back surgery you want to avoid that shit at all costs yeah you don't want that that shit's fit no what I did was the doctor told me he's like you know if you'll just like get fat and not work out yeah you'll be feel much better which congrats on nailing that yeah he was like then you'll feel better I mean I spent so much time like hunched over a desk yeah and I see what like old artists look like I was like I don't know if I want that like it just looks painful all because I didn't realize every time you see an old person walking slow it's not that they're old they're in pain well it's all over the missing head you seen that no what dude I saw a guy this guy was walking in front of me I swear to you this guy this is real oh yeah this is bent so

like hunched so bad the head's gone dude but this I took this picture this isn't like from the internet yeah okay if that to me doesn't even look that bad wait look yeah oh god oh my god that's what I'm saying man it's so bad that is low self-esteem personified that's a that's a by the way that is a life of looking down so you don't want to face the world which I can get and then eventually you're yeah over time he trained all his muscles to look down coupled with a few of fifth grade football injury so there's no there's no narcissist that are have that problem right no no no most good self-esteem nah I thought it was the iPhone maybe he's using oh my friend Leslie told me that plastic surgeons are having to fix there's a new double chin situation with

people always looking down oh that people are always like this so there's a lot of people getting tightened up tightened up and you can't grow a beard like no I wish face bangs I don't think I made that up I think someone else did face bangs are good yeah so with the tats though how many you got man have you ever wanted to get like a like a white supremacist one and just see if you can get away with it wanted to get one you can't see my back because if you told me like I don't know what any of those are you could tell me like you know Aryan brotherhood I mean that's cool man oh you don't know you don't know like the one of the secret ones like 13 words or whatever right right right the secret ones dude get one I don't know

a lot of tattoo artists won't get them and also no wait tattoo artists won't do them a lot of them won't do them you got to like find but find a find like a brother where you say a good one you gotta find a good one I got a guy I got a guy I know a guy oh yeah he'll drop that well it's kind of uh yeah that'd be unfortunate when you have a change of heart you know like you get out of well there's a program that actually remove those for free okay yeah I watched the thing about it like I'd like to give them out for gang gang members get out and they're like hey can you take this thing off my face or like yeah we can like swastika is all kinds of shit like that what occurs you imagine oh dude it's a bold I want to go back to the day I want to have those guys and

be like what was the day like where you're like put the swastika on my foot well you're no you're in the day was you're in jail and the Aryan brotherhood's like you're gonna die if you don't do this and you're like fire it up here's a good spot right here right in the center I mean in Hindu it means peace right and you're like yeah sort of yeah sort of sort of also there's this uh a Chinese guy at lunch we need you to stab him in the throat yeah okay welcome to the club we have jackets they still I mean I guess they still do yeah stuff but of course they do I just I'm guessing there's a recent spike oh yeah well yeah it just but I actually I don't I uh I mean I get it you gotta have something to look forward to when you're locked up but you gotta you gotta fill the day

yeah you gotta have some fun I really if I went to prison I realized that's probably be how I would get by is tattooing people can you you're an artist I mean that would make me safe is like I could draw naked girls for people to jerk off to and that's true but also how terrifying is that day when like you're in prison let's say you're in there for some bullshit and then they're like you're white you're in the brotherhood you're like okay no you have to be like yeah basically you have to be like yeah or you have to like go to like the child molester wing to be safe that's right no I don't want to do that no you don't now wait a minute like here's our brother Kevin Kevin go ahead and you're like um man but what about you you got that spiky last name oh I know

I'd be like no I'd be like I would never let that out no yeah but they know that about you let's say they watch your act they love your stuff I'd be like it's a bit I wrote it I took Spanish in high school man look my blue eyes anyways anyways yeah yeah it'd be awful now you yeah because they would be like that'd probably the worst if they're like you're a half that's what I'm saying because you can't go with the latins and you can't go with the latins would not accept me for sure they would not let you in at all no no the white the white guys would let me in for a while especially if like the thing is I could just go deep I'd be like fucking spics just keep saying it and then you also have money so like you could you could help their drug trade

yeah you get a lot of money put on your book if you know what I'm saying put on your yeah put on your book so you'd be you'd be heavy with them snacks yeah handing out those honey buns I don't mind I don't mind man now in the women's prisons is it that it's not as hard no I don't think there's I don't think there are there's gangs but I don't think there are I don't think it's as they're not as violent either it's just now from the scissor and all day yes that's true though the documentaries I've seen yeah women hook up quick you get a prison wife yeah and they you wife up you wife up yeah yeah that's why I'd have to find a nice lady to take care of me and protect me yeah but they just yeah they just let's bow out you wouldn't want to turn it turn a bitch out though yeah I mean you

want to be someone you want to get turned out you don't want to like go in there kind of heavy and be like this is how it's gonna be and then you pick one I don't know how I know I I just try to hide that thing where you they talk about prison they're like oh yeah you got to fight the first day I'm like oh imagine like also the guys like you're beautiful Kevin yeah he's like yes we are all right yeah and party is like okay will you not beat me he's like yeah like yeah like is it yeah I mean it's gonna happen right yeah so my rationale is like don't hit me in the face girl like like and let's let's come up with some rules okay here's a good question for you yeah you get the pick okay but you got a pick okay there's some dicks coming into your cell and they want to get

right in the mouth or in the ass oh good question in the ass yeah in the ass what why in the ass yeah I'd have to see less of the dicks yeah it's less personal in your ass yeah it's less personal on my butt and you asked for lube right uh yeah I asked for it I would insist on it yeah and could you guys start off with some fingers like kind of they're not going to give you that privilege in prison though these guys are if you pick but you may get a nice neck rub yeah true at the same time bad though all bad also crazy that you also might get aids yeah maybe maybe how'd you get age like these four guys yeah no but they could use the slim gym condom where they just take the wrapper off the commissary tree they're not going to use condoms no no doesn't feel as good

no doesn't feel as good now especially the guy with aids he's like oh i'll give this guys oh my god yeah but what about these guys that are lifers like you know we've been watching love after lock up I know but you'd think that the prospect of getting butt sexed butt raped would deter you from wanting to go back but apparently it's not that horrible if you keep going back and back and back I mean it's I think some people are just used to the horror when you're indoctrinated to that culture and that becomes your lifestyle and you get good at it the real world is probably pretty terrifying if you've been in prison for over 20 years can you imagine going out there and like here's your smartphone like it'd be awful it'd be truly awful and if you've developed some and

it's not like you're gonna get out of prison after 25 years and someone's like here's your cool job no like your life is gonna be a real bummer if you don't have a family that's looking to help you you're fucked yeah you know what I'm saying yeah so you just do it you just pop a crime and go back yeah violating parole is very easy it is and at least you know what to expect in prison yeah you know what the deal is you know how to get by you know how to survive in the real world it becomes a world you know how to navigate yeah that's true spaghetti wednesdays things like that oh no i mean i don't know if that's a real thing but spaghetti wednesdays are real it's is it okay is it that far from elementary school if you just if you had to sleep there you slept at elementary school look

i lived in fear of violence in elementary school every day so did i the food was terrible if i if they were just a cot and i only had one or two outfits how that's the difference my parents were kind of hands off anyway what city were you in lakras center okay it was a nice element prison i don't know prison has another level though right but the handball tournaments were cool yeah and i would i'd have i would have gotten in shape somewhat earlier in life well that's what everybody says right you work out like all this time but the nutrition's poor so i imagine i imagine it's difficult when you're not eating well you're not on the keto diet sure you're not getting enough protein yeah but i mean you're working out a lot you are slim james you know you

might actually get that body you've always wanted it in prison that's the big trade off both bodies have always wanted i've been in enough shape to get a cute looking guy who's got a good body i've always wanted yeah you know i can look at myself while i'm myself i wonder if you're like you would morph if you'd be like no i pretty much love guys you know i think the human brain's pretty malleable and you make the best out of where i think so too it's steve simone's hottest girl at the bank uh theory that if you work at a bank the hottest girl in the bank is the hottest girl in your entire world that's true and in prison after what that's your world it becomes your world yeah yeah i believe it's it's called situational homosexuality sure i have been down that path a few times yes

you got tats you were saying earlier too you're like what would it be like if we were 20 years oh i i imagine if i was young now would i have like face and neck tattoos oh yeah probably in today's world i started getting them in art school so i would be like how's how high up do you have oh i don't have any they're all in my arms to be fair i fucking despise getting them they're so painful i hate it really some people are like addicted i don't i i think a that's bullshit and i also am not one of them like they're like i love the pain i'm like oh cool can i poke you with a needle just because we're standing here like that seems like bullshit but i hate that's why i don't have a big one because like i can hang in there like an hour and a half two hours and then

i'm like stop it that is so long to be oh it's awful after a while it gets a little less painful but you sweat because you can't move so you're just there your natural instinct to flinch you have to like thwart it the whole time can they not give you any kind of pain blocker i don't know why it's like why don't they have topical anesthetic yeah it seems really really good question help a dude out man yeah well because they do for like removing moles and shit like they just put a topical and then i get yeah every time i get something taken out of my face to give me a shot it doesn't hurt they saw it off with a razor blade yeah so why am i sitting there pretending i'm like tough enough to be in a biker gang just because i want something dumb put on my arm i don't know it hurts

so bad do you regret any any of them right now yeah i have some regrets i have one i regret this cleveland browns helmet why do you have that i was a i loved the cleveland browns for a little while wait i liked i just don't really like football anymore oh really yeah just because of how it's evolved yeah as i got as i've gotten older just like corporate sports just like yeah it's kind of gross how how big the corporation of the nfl is yeah i just like what they do to the players the way the players are treated after the fact i don't like yeah they just kind of abandon these people and you just embraced the browns at a certain well we didn't we this was back when we didn't have a team here right and it was the year the browns got their team back yeah i just thought it was like a

nice i just made some exciting moves man yeah they did they did they did it doesn't matter to me but i know i'm gonna probably turn that into a butt or something really i don't know something something funny it the only tattoos to me that appeal at this point are like funny ones like something stupid it'd be funny if you made it a butt that's taking a shit that'd be funny just to have on a flight and someone's like what's that dude you're like this is lady taking the very first the very first tattoo i got was from this guy i went to college with he worked at a tattoo shop and then i heard rumors that like oh yeah if you get a big one from him i heard he hides drawings of shit in it like as a prank and so i never went to him again he would hide in for a while he was doing this thing

where you could come to him and get if you were willing to get a martini glass with shit in it he do it for oh my god no great artist this guy mark hedgie could draw his fucking balls off he's i think he's still a tattoo artist in detroit is that by the way because you're awesome artist thanks is is that an innate like do you figure it out young yeah it is right i was able to draw i remember drawing at a young age and like brian my cousin can really like just naturally would draw you know a face and you're like wow and then i would draw and it looked like i drew with my feet or something it was just like yeah i could always kind of do it it's weird to me that people can't really find it strange well because like you guys can write letters you can write you can make

an r look like an r and to me it's like the same thing kind of really but it doesn't do you do is there um have you seen like some of these hyper real yeah can you do that yeah really that's an issue of time hyper realists they just what they have is in a kind of patience that's insane and a lot of you have to understand not to be addicted to these people but a lot you know there's a lot of tricks to really we'll use a graph or a projector to get like the base structure right and then you just spend oh it's a documentary called i think it's called finding maryland it's about a guy who spent 10 years doing a hyper realistic portrait of maryland and row and it was his big plan to become a famous artist and guess what it didn't work and i mean he paint he drew like less than an

inch a day like a square inch and his big plan was he knew a guy who knew a guy that knew david hockney and so he was going to show it to david hockney and that was going to like start his career he spent 10 years like 12 hours a day it's not well thought out no no no no no not at all well thought out good documentary though you know what happens in prison by the way i give him the grease and i'll i'll tell him to put some on his finger sticking in his ass and you know i'm saying kind of like fuck yourself so loosen yourself up yeah because i know he had never been penetrated before he was his first time that's an old penitentiary trick that i learned from some old convicts if he screamed rape you know i'm saying he had grease on his fingernail so he

greased his own self up isn't that cool it's really interesting though it's a good equal parts romance yeah and safe and thinking about your own safety yeah and ingenuity i mean think about what he's saying there for people who don't follow they they get a guy in a cell they tell him to put grease on his finger and stick it in his own ass yeah and then if that guy was like those guys fuck me they're like oh you've been greasing yourself up this dude not only planted it he planted evidence and sensuality yeah at the exact time yeah and that is a rare person see that's such a waste that that guy's in jail when he could be yeah out running a fortune 500 guy i know this by the way it's a classic one into the vault of film studio yeah i mean he has the mind of a of a

hollywood executive wine steen yeah of a wine steener this guy that just got fired from Warner brothers oh yeah what do you do i don't even know he was he basically was like hey i'll give you a part met multiple it's in a movie this one lady and then they boned and then there was there's some hilarious text messages yeah those are great where she's like um you said you'd help me remember when you were inside me like oh cool and then uh did you see her music video no not it's really funny because uh i i saw the article when i went to her video and then uh people were like pro tip hit mute on this video because it's just her like dancing around in lingerie and her voice is horrible right and that guy even references her video in one of their texts too yeah i don't

understand why people that rich can't just go to escorts and stuff i know why toy with like starlets or how about this why can't that dude who's the like just meet attractive women all the time and bone and like not have it tied to an audition part like how is it that because it's not creepy it is not the the payoff that feels to beat the power move of like yeah like is it the wind like oh yeah you're you're so hot like you you need me yeah i'm so cool that i've got but you're also so rich can't you just impress people with your power by like going on a yacht that's the ultimate rich guy pool you like want to go to paris on our first date yeah like isn't that the move yeah but that's but you're that's like the kind of girl you want as a girlfriend he just wants to

bone right tom yeah but i'm saying like it's kind of good at all this stuff no but i understand that too like if you if you just want to bone also like that's what rich guys powerful guys do like i just want to bone and usually the influence of your power and and money yeah are enough to be able to bone why that would make actually me feel uglier that i know the only if she brought up like i'd love to get in that new movie i'd be like you don't really like me yeah of course and that to me it'd be i'd already be worried about that and be feeling that so the minute it got confirmed i'd be like you know thank you next you wouldn't be able to yeah i would have done this i would have done this differently with this girl go ahead what i would have done is she would have been

she shows up and you know you're like yeah i'm down right and you're looking at her and you're like let's do it she's like you know i really like to be in a movie or something i'd be like well you know send me that uh that reel on monday and then you smash that night and you're like send me that reel and she sends the reel and you're like yeah let's go take some acting classes so you kind of like put her down and that makes her want to impress you more she's like i've been working on my acting classes you're like how about those blowjobs you're working on those and then she comes around polishes you off again right sends you another reel and you're like yeah go back to class for both you know right so you you yeah i have you ever thought of we ever thought

of pitching to lifetime for the show just like as a movie one of those like christmas uh the christmas ones are the worst by the way the guy he's not like gross looking no he's like very handsome dude yeah well put together well put together looked like he was in good shape beautiful skin yeah like what exactly not that's not it now i thought the i would fuck the Warner Brothers guy uh that ten times before i fucked tattoo guy yeah but here's a deal here's where she messed up there he is oh yeah he's a cute little dude look at him no he's cute yeah she's here you tell me this guy can't fuck listen here's where she messed up the hoe always takes the money first right the you don't give it up and then expect the guy to pay

he needs to pay first and then you give up the goodies just like root paul says half the money before i leave the house half the money the second half before i go on stage okay that's what i'm talking about so she fucked up her damn cell you fucked up your money that's right you take a business course that's right you get them you get paid you could pitch the lifetime too hey now how stupid that's her fault listen if you're gonna be a hoe at least get the shit first and then she was like texting like remember when you were inside of me yeah dude hilarious hilarious i just it baffles me that these rich guys can't figure out a way to get to get this i mean i think probably a lot of them can you know there's the ones that get caught you're like you dork yeah it's always dork

it's always dork he's a dork they cannot dorks dorks we're not prepared for attention there's enough young attractive chicks out there who just want to be in that scene in other words the jet setting yeah party scene who are not like i'm i'm trying to act oh without ambition right it's like that's who you should be yeah i agree here's what here's the girl you need the girl who just wants handbags yes and shoes and she wants to go to the elite parties parties yeah you know what the problem is he's so rich he lives and hang hangs out in a group and in an areas where those he can't find women that are just stoked on what he has and in practice you're around people whose standards are so high that unless you're getting them a movie he's only meeting actresses right the only like

young and an old rich guy always wants a woman that's too hot and too young for him yeah and the only women like that he's meeting are actresses that's a problem that becomes his thing like those are the ones he's aiming at they always want something you have to yeah the wants got to be very low it's like the manager dating the client yeah that's a bad man right you don't want something you don't want the person wanting from you right yeah it's so weird water since you're not drinking it no i'm drinking my water thank you it's not even open it is already finished mine it's already been open it's already been drank from go get your own water i have some no you cannot come on i'm so thirsty give her some water i know he's so selfish jesus you don't even wow wow but now it's

gotten impressive so you didn't finish you bitch but boss is nothing there's two sips in there that's why he drinks that that's why he's well because it's not even really drinking water it's two sips you can have that so selfish god damn add it to the collection that is the opposite of a finger with grease on it yeah kevin you're you're not a champion now you've ever been um angry at your lady for her being too cold and needing to turn the heat on like being stupid though look there is clearly a temperature difference in every couple yeah and i don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupidity oh jesus give me that accent what's going on it's professor oh it yeah the professor yeah but yeah for some reason i i i've never been the same temperature

as anyone and what are you do you run hot or do you run cold i think i i think i well i'd never i sleep in just underpants yeah so up dude we would be we would be good bunkies what i don't what i will say the only thing about is me is when someone's like they're on the air and you look over and they're just sweated up like they have sweat pants on sweat shirt on in bed under a cover and i'm like take some of your rope is off your rope us remove your rope us yeah do you have on calcetinas right now remove your calcetinas and then we'll talk temp well here's my here's my point we were at an outdoor restaurant okay patio dining why well it was it's a mix it was it was a nice day out okay oh during the evening was upon you yeah and they had a heat lamp and i was nice and toasty

under there and he was he became slowly enraged with my heat lamp let's make a point though however yana let the record show that mr sagora was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and could have removed the layer got to remove your layer before you you talk no no i don't because listen she had them wheel over like it wasn't necessary it was sweatshirt was appropriate for the natural temperature she's like wheel that over and you know it has settings basically like cranked all the way full she cranked it all the way to anger my husband yeah dude like it's like it's 20 degrees outside right so then i'm like just turn that down it's ridiculous right take your sweatshirt off no turn the oven off right there's no point in this being honest but we're sitting in a horseshoe

booth right and he was sitting next to me in the sweatshirt so i said okay then just you guys were at islands yeah i either take the sweatshirt off or go over here is it across but isn't this such a beautiful testament to your relationship that these are your problems i guess yeah these are not big these are not big watch one episode of cops right and it's like he took a shit in my car like these things could be way worse that's true they could be i told him to get new needles and he didn't fucking dirty ass needles now i got hiv mother fucker like there are people that's a real problem yeah that's true he hits my kid but we i can't hit his kid when they do in the same they were both setting fires in the backyard and i slap mine and fucking then he slapped mine but i can't

slap his because she blind there could be many worse things do you hate your woman for her temperature needs very rarely i mean and she sleeps nice and heavily so when i like you know when you like leap out of bed enough to like adjust there we're like motherfucker like she doesn't notice so i don't get held accountable about anything what if you were to drive faster than she likes that only happened once and i slowed down you slept oh interesting you didn't get angry at her tell me this no i didn't get angry at her because but wait what did you do i don't remember i think i just i think i probably hit the gas i think i was going around ramp and you're like oh wow we can't do 45 and a 35 i think i just maybe made a turn i you know i overestimate my own reflexes

i think i make left turns a little closer to a car coming towards us and she'd prefer because again she's passenger side so if we get broadsided right kevin walks away dead girlfriend right so i think she was just like like a little like that and i was like oh i want to i just didn't i just very rarely anyone in my car she was like don't do that yeah she didn't even have to say don't do that the the visual of her grabbing the door was enough to me like don't do that well i yeah i like i didn't do anything like that he made him an abrupt you made a left turn very quickly you accelerated into the turn and then he did 46 and a 35 you were going very fast and i had to hold on to the handle like whoa i had to hold on embrace myself well look you

if you're gonna get a car that he bought a fancy car that's fast you gotta he was a cheap chair a cheap chair it's my car okay but here's here's the deal man those are quick no it's not their mom car you know what the problem with the Jeep Cherokee is they feel kind of loose because they're up a little high the like shocks when when when a Jeep Cherokee takes off you feel like you're you're on a roller coaster a little bit i like it okay but here's like someone likes living dangerously when she's in charge thank you kevin but he he again this is another kevin he i think the point you're really trying to make women are stupid but kevin he got angry with me for feeling the fear for expressing the fear i went oh see i don't you can't you can't get

angry with how someone feels you can get angry with how they react to that feeling yeah that's what my i don't think you agreed with what i just said i think you just said yeah yeah are you adjusting a fantasy team on your yeah are you listening to me i say that like 10 times today are you even listening to me for fuck's sake so there's this uh news piece uh we wanted to show you i couldn't believe this made it into the news i got a screen in front of me look at you with your two screens i know i remember i remember you guys just hosting it like the Irvine improv yeah for some shit box you know showcase everyone was poor the parking lot at the comedy store so funny to me now just tesla tesla tesla tesla porch porch porch corvette

what it used to be just like someone getting walking there like whose bike is that i know and it's i love it though it's great it's hilarious watching someone get rich from talking about their butt is about my favorite like crazy are you insinuating this show is like no no but like Christchers gold Rolex i just i just think it's a butthole Rolex because he literally got a gold Rolex talking about i've been taking a lot of shit i go i was like dude you paid for that talking about your dick and nuts and ass and he goes i know talk about wanting to put oil on somebody okay good morning julia this is your ymh exclusive florida man report i'm your host pete melphi and

i'm someone who's slowly letting go of the delusional reasons why i even bother manscaping anymore our final story tonight florida man brett christina who is widely known as a racist and child predator and is also fat as fuck balloons was highest weight ever this week we reached out to mr kremlin for comment and his response was quote i can't talk right now i'm eating he then multiple legible words with his mouth full and ended the call by going on an anti-semitic rant about how the jews are suppressing his numbers on you and that's about all the time we have left forward today remember to get your florida man updates by following on social media at fl man report piss on me beat me i'm home here now until next time this is pete melphi saying try it out

wow wow that's fantastic man berth in the news berth doesn't look it seems like all his fat goes forward but not sideways yeah yeah so from the right angle you're like like i go more sideways than four well he's an alcoholic and that's oh he's his babe take it easy on why is that common yeah i thought that's more of his brand it's fine it's totally fine can you imagine if he was sober and still looked and backed up like no no because when he doesn't drink he leans out pretty quick right tom i mean it's really it's wild he has one of those but like you know it looks like a car get like a manatee yeah kind of swelling up yeah and it's almost like if you were it looks like he died a month ago yeah it does yeah he looks like a dead person and then he he can literally eat clean

and sober for a week yeah and drop like 15 pounds amazing yeah and you think you would yeah it's self-imposed again but i will say when i go to my gym i don't know i'm usually there with a bunch of other men in their 40s and there's a look on all our faces like why are we doing yeah like what are we training for there's no war coming we were just talking about like it's just to stay admiring like though not the person that pretends the person who's really like i'm fine with with what i got it's fine yeah i think it's just to like i don't want to have to make fashion decisions based on yes bad like when i start having to buy new pants then you're like oh man it's very depressing like when you're giving away clothes i went and bought jeans once

and there's this this company where you could you could like return in your cool looking beat up jeans they give you half off a new pair and i was returning a pair and getting a size up because yeah most people were turning for this reason i was like what do you mean he goes oh just like dudes in their late 30s who've like you know need a bigger size he just said yeah yeah brutal because i was like yeah i need i think i need a 34 and the ones i was turning in were like a 31 and he was like uh he's like oh so you've given up uh yeah but i agree like i've resigned to the fact that my body's and i'm never gonna look the way i did in my 20s but i don't like that decision too of having to dress around your fat that's the worst i've realized i'm never gonna like possess agility

like i can't do like physical things like i see people in the gym like jumping out on a box and i'm like never could do that no ma'am that's crazy but if i could just like not have my pants hurt yeah i don't want my clothes to hurt yeah i think it's what i want yeah yeah i don't like that too because i don't the other day i was like picking something up and i made a noise and i and i thought to myself i don't even know that i need to make a noise i just now do it right but like when i bend over to pick up a quarter i go right and i don't even know if i'm feeling that noise or i'm just now that's the what i do when i pick something up yep i don't even know if it hurts you know what i don't i don't want to run up the stairs and feel that tire yeah that's the one i

that's not like i don't want to die of a heart attack in a staircase that too yeah that'd be bad yeah i also don't want boobs yeah but get a bra i don't want to like i don't want i don't know i don't know i'm vain i guess yeah we all are yeah yeah and i you know i definitely look worse than you look worse than when you're young i don't care what you're doing your face is your face yeah and your elbow skin tells the truth yeah so you can't there's certain parts of your body like i don't care i go to the gym every day for the next four years there's still gonna be parts of my body are like what's up dude who's in his 40s for sure yeah like i don't care it and let's let's be honest your dick is just a fucking lie detector test all the time is that right you think your

your junk tells your age yeah no one has new looking nuts like you can't there's no there is literally not a machine at the gym that tightens up your scrote that's true no way my badge looks tore up right babe two babies it does not look the same as it did no years ago no no but looks alone it's terrifying it looks nice there's extra parts to it now no no no it looks nice it doesn't look it does look nice yeah i'll settle this yeah show if you were Puerto Rican she'd fucking drop her pants right now that's true is that a real thing you have a thing for Puerto Rican yeah i did yeah what about them i like their way they live life yeah like no i like the culture i like their swag i like the aesthetics i like the bilondo the constant

bilondo the constant bilondo life living life yeah i don't have any exposure to Puerto Rican men i don't how they're the best go to miami bro i went to miami once and let me tell you about who hated it this guy there's nothing i as far as like it's not your jam it is you could not pick a place less that i'd want to go to i could i could see that or vegas i could see you hating oh vegas sucks i like actually i kind of like vegas in my 20s because i like playing blackjack really yeah yeah and like i was young enough to wear strip clubs didn't make me sad yeah whereas like over a certain age you i could not i couldn't separate myself from like the sadness of a of a strip joint past like 26 i was like uh that bruise looks do you ever go you ever try to go make them sad

oh my god can't be that hard just telling them about my girlfriend's job and she's like hey and you're like why are you doing this yeah when she's like just putting myself for school and i'm like are you though like how long have you been saying like are you really gonna be a nurse yeah i don't think i don't i feel like you're not used to normal hours like imagine how low somebody has to go to do what you're doing yeah like let me ask you this cinnamon is this the last wrong on the ladder or do you feel like there's one below this i used to always think about i was trying to think not so much now because pornography is so such a huge business but in the 90s like people getting turned away from doing porn imagine that day i know like hey i'm here let's do this they're like

i don't know yeah when you what you can come on my face yeah and they're like we don't want to though oh my god that'd be horrible you're not good enough they're all those documentaries in the 90s about like getting cast as a porno you had to actually try out for things i wonder if that's still a rule there's so much porn i feel like now but now with the internet though anyone can upload their own thing so maybe somebody else doesn't want to put you in something but you can record and be like hey here's my i hate amateur porn really oh you want to watch high school basketball fucking sucks dude then i will say the nice thing about porn in the night last 20 years the guys finally got in shape oh yeah because they looked so gross it was just not believable

like no one's fucking that guy do you have a do you have a genre you get into uh enthusiasm yeah not sad just like the third technique is called mouth watering good i do this technique in each blow job because it's very important what you're gonna do is you're gonna take his penis and push this far back in your throat that you can to gag when you gag your mouth waters and your eyes tear this allows you to know that you're doing it correctly this is a bummer that's a bummer that thinks a bummer i've heard of that lady she did our podcast uh years ago i mean i'm glad she's out there doing it but also don't so no amateur stuff for you no i don't the lighting is terrible there's always like one angle and by the way you want to talk sad these apartments they live in that's

actually they're always filming during the day so there's a blanket over the window and you're just like you see like the stack of dvds you're like why do you still have dvds no it's never i never feel like amateur porn is the woman's idea on any level it's always a dude who's dating a girl too hot for him and he's like come on i'll be so rad and then 11 years later when still on the internet this poor lady's like god damn it could you imagine just watch him his weird they always have the worst tan lines like the dudes there's no there's no care there's just no care taken in anything about them their pubic that thing about the amateur stuff too is like the guy really doesn't know what he's doing he has a mediocre dick yeah he can't fuck well doesn't know about angles he's certainly

yeah he's certainly not picking her up there's nothing interesting about him he's like a dude that that you know it's like i'm gonna see him at the open mic yeah you know i don't want that well i just want people that are better looking than me 100% i don't want to watch people that look like me doing stuff yeah it's like i want the cw of porn i want like beautiful people who are stupid yeah and that's yeah yeah yeah yeah although i liked 90s porn just because there was no future in it and i was like these people just want to fuck that's true it did feel you're right there was more gravity to being a porn star in the 80s that was a decision yeah you were either addicted to coke or you just couldn't stop boning dude why don't you get into making some that's dark so dark

i can't i again it's the same thing is like owning a strip okay i will tell you this in like two this is probably 15 years ago i watched a special i watched real sex on hbo yeah i love and there was a guy on it this uh he was a gay porn director and a drag queen i think and he ran a voyeur house for gay guys and all he did was set up cameras all over this house and he was making a million seven a month in subscriptions god damn and i had a little money time and i was like oh are we doing this like what do i just rent a house in west hollywood rigged i figured like getting in would probably cost you 50 grand and then just offer free rent to hot dudes oh yeah like hello i want you to do this now i think probably that ship is sailed because no one pays for porn anymore but he said

he's like he's like our subscribers because you could type in what you want the guys to do he's like they don't even want to watch them have sex they're like take off your socks take a shower like simple things like real life stuff oh wow and i was like this feels almost victimless and i would love that money yeah of course but directing like porn porn like hey uh could you do it again and like look more scared like that seems like oh then you're like how i'm gonna come in my pants people what directing this what qualifies as porn now it's like fucking it just seems like evidence and like a long running investigation who i i refuse to believe this many people want incest porn yeah that is a huge it feels like it feels like i always i think there's like in my head

there's like a meeting of like what kind of porn should we make of the industry and they're all like how about people boating who are attractive and everyone's like good idea and then i feel like there's one guy's like brothers and sisters are like yeah like hey scott relax but that's gotta won't shut the fuck up but i wonder it's gotta be popular it's gotta be really they release they release those things usually there's like a report you know i think horn hub will be like here's like the five most popular search terms yeah and it's by region by country and you'll see what's big and yeah yeah there's incest and they love that incest shit man i've noticed they rename like clips that aren't they'll just name anything like steps this dirt's like now it's plumber that's plumber

scenario but they're trying to get you to click on yeah it's so weird so Freudian huh you know what it you can you can obviously coincides with those divorce rates just shooting through the roof no one would connect to it unless everyone had steps siblings it wouldn't be a thing you even thought about gross i like a boss scenario a boss yeah someone's in charge someone's not yeah yeah power power dynamic when i was younger and i watched more porn milf was always made sense to me really well just like someone it seemed again enthusiasm you like that granny stuff too no there was a figure model at my art school that was legitimately old like she was like 85 what and an 85 year old naked woman is more of a sculpture than something you want to touch yeah wait though

but how much do you get paid for that it can't be at art center i think you got paid okay i think you got like a few hundred bucks because it's a long it's a seven hour class so to sit naked for a bunch of kids who are laughing inside for oh see none of us were laughing inside i would i would never be able to be an art student because i would giggle really everyone was serious you'd be surprised i actually thought about this i noticed i even some of the models were beautiful people i never once got aroused because you're my brain can't try to figure out how to draw something and and think about it sexually at the same time it just doesn't happen what about cocks you see some nice cocks oh yeah i've told this story before but it was a long

time ago there was a guy who modeled at pastina city college he was a dancer his name was shadow and his dick was no joke 11 inches soft and like a pringles can like one time an old like there's a lot of shadow there's a lot of older women who take like uh figure drawing classes at junior colleges one time a woman came in late and saw shadows dick and dropped her art bin she was like it was i would tell my friends about i was like there's this dude and they didn't believe me so one day i just drew it to scale and like brought it but i was like here it is they were like it was unusably large yeah that's what i'm thinking utility wise and i'm almost i don't believe shadow was straight uh he was real thin like he was he was really cool looking he had like really long

dreadlocks and more like these cool scars and he had this cool like cane you would kind of stand on then lean up but this thing was shocking oh weird so it was a black guy with this picture yeah yeah it was shocking and and but again like really impressive but it wasn't it's just you you really just drawn shit did he ever do that thing where he like smacks it in the other hand or he's like no but he fell asleep once and it moved really a lot he was doing a laying pose he was doing a laying pose it didn't like get hard but it moved for sure and and you know i was like a lizard i wasn't close enough but i bet you could hear it it's side yeah just like you heard just like a

did people fall asleep a lot when they're getting drawn only if they're doing like a laying pose like sometimes you do like an hour in a painting class you do like a long pose all day like a three hour pose so that's gotta really be a pain figure modeling is incredibly difficult like people don't i think a lot of people try it to stay in the same position first all no one can stay in the same position for more than 20 minutes they always move a little so you're always you got to hurry up and get the hard parts like the face and shit because they're going to turn but like a long pose they always picked a a position that was basically sleeping because you can't stand in one position for three hours your body gives up and these people

would fall asleep in a laying pose they'd fall asleep a lot of them i mean you usually do like 45 minutes or like 30 minutes and they get like a five minute break but still even that but they would get in a position that was really comfortable god i would be nothing but sleep oh yeah oh yeah hey tom yeah i'm like you're snoring everyone's fucking oh yeah oh the snoring oh my god would you hear storing sometimes no no one ever oh wait no though yeah there was one old guy he looked like santa claus yeah and he would not often snore it was pretty cute yeah that's me i mean i'm santa claus but he was such a he was such a beloved figure model because of that big beard yeah he was so easy it made him so easy and fun to draw what was his package like it wasn't good

it wasn't good there was only two guys no no there were three guys with decent packages there was shadow shadow but he didn't model at art center which was kind of a bump didn't he he head modeled at art center not figure modeled there was a professional ex dancer who was latin and he had a good piece and a great saying and then there was a guy that kind of looked like a bodybuilder and he had a decent piece he was a good those guys were all really good figure models this now i go to one i go to like a figure drawing workshop there's never any dudes because i think all checks and it's all it's all women who are like kind of dancer are you looking and i think it's because they probably pay like a hundred bucks and like you kind of don't want a guy in the room who take

a hundred bucks for getting everybody he's probably literally insane yeah so i'm i would like to go in there and just get on my knees bend forward and spread the cheeks and be like draw that i mean you'd have to hold that for like seven hours it's amazing the lack of weird things that happened in a room with someone randomly naked really there was only one when i was in school there was this guy who was autistic but a brilliant artist like he could draw crazy good and he was a little strange and i guess he was staring at the model just like for two in a way that was weird like in between poses like and she was like please stop staring at me oh really yeah and so he was a weird dude so he put a bag over his head and cut like eye holes in it and then they had to kick him out of

school yeah that's one of the students yeah Jesus but to watch this guy draw was amazing because he would he would like so he'd be drawing maybe a figure model there and he'd be he would go like this but he wouldn't be touching the paper and then he just go and it'd be like the perfect line like he'd be like it was like watching a sword fight and you'd watch this dude draw and he could nail it it was incredible but then he put a bag on his head and had to leave but he was just he was just a little off yeah yeah sounds like it yeah and he could really only figure draw he couldn't like do other stuff there's a lot of like you know art school is full of people that are a little left to center yeah but whatever um thank god there's so many colors really bad

you do yeah all right just i drank so much water you wouldn't know what that's like oh yeah here's another one it's not another one that's the same one just the same one you just you had like two ounces you're like i gotta pee me i drink like 20 and i'm like well my body's just getting started i don't i think i tried not to drink water because i don't want to be going to the bathroom all the time i know but you have to hydrate kevin working people see you uh the comedy store um there every weekend uh either this weekend no i'm with whitney this weekend in dc she's taping her special you're gonna open the special yeah yeah oh it's awesome that should be fun congrats yeah that's awesome are you guys doing any like shows like the night before too nice before

uh there's like a there's like a run through the night before before the taping but i think everything's sold out it's some witty coming so exciting yeah sure she got fans and then after okay real nice i'll be inside you uh show some respect oh yeah store you can find me on social media kevin g christy hilarious comic go see him at the store go see him anywhere um seriously see me at the market no anywhere you can see kevin christy you should he'll draw your dick in the checkout line yeah if you bust out your cock i will straight okay i am why do you think this look i brought a sketch i know it's a cock oh you did i thought we i thought you could draw the whole staff's dicks here okay that's a great idea dick detective yeah oh and a lot if by the way if there was a

lineup i could pick shadow out to this day and that was 20 years ago great wow you know if we could put a call out there to shadow i dude i've mentioned him before i wish i could find him how old was he then he was probably in his 20s oh so he's still out there he's probably slanging that thing around i mean there's no way he's not in demand in some region because of that magnificent and his body was incredible he's probably six one probably weighed 120 pounds god and six pounds of it was dick and he was so nice would you guys talk about it in breaks and stuff like shadows man jesus every you know my friend travis went to junior college with me and we were like dang like it was like dude are you not talk about his day yeah it'd be like if there was a fire in

the middle of room and not mentioning it like someone just like lit off some m80s like how do you not notice that shadow cock you're a hater if you don't mention it true that's true if you don't mention it you're a hater yep like hey we just saw the most beautiful piece we've ever seen that guy's telling john holmes to take a seat okay shadow i mean you basically you realize you're telling like uh you're setting the the scene for stories to be told for generations right now people are out there like licking their lips thinking about shadow i gotta pee again did i mention that all right just all right just picture in portoree kevin christy everybody thank you very much for kevin kevin kevin thank you kevin thanks for coming in my come kevin

we'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break and we are back and this is a real treat we've i've been wanting to plan this for a while i am joined we are joined now by comedian writer actor he does it all george perez hey hey what's up my boy what's up dog thanks for thanks for coming over thanks for doing this man not thank you i'm excited have been running into each other for a while yeah you hooked me up with a gift last time i saw you yeah how'd you like that yeah it's live man yeah it was uh it's pretty well what's the gift i mean why don't you tell her about it i gave i gave him weed and it was called puppy breath because like when you swallow this weed everybody's like oh my god your breath smells so good so it's yeah it's

my boy bzzt and it was it's solid yeah that's the weed i smoke only really yeah that exclusive yeah that first class canna that's it that's it i like it yeah i don't like around when it comes to weed it's like whole foods for me i only buy the organic shit yeah yeah fuck all that fuck that man are you uh you're doing shows all over now right yeah yeah i think the first time i ran into you i ran into you recently but i still feel like the first time i ran into you it might have been with like a couple of these chicago guys are you friends with any of those guys i feel like i was i remember i remember the first time i ran into you it was right after i did rogan's podcast wait a minute that's not the first time though uh for like for me and you talking really yeah

i remember seeing you at a like you were with a group of guys and i was at a show like i'm talking a long time ago where what city here somewhere in la yeah yeah i mean i know a couple guys from chicago but not like maybe they were with other chicago guys maybe maybe yeah yeah and so wait when was the rogan one not that long ago i did it like three years ago okay okay yeah and i remember watching you guys on it and they asked you rogan goes you know george perez and you were like yeah i know that comic book artist and i laughed my ass off i said that yeah because there's a guy named george perez that draws for marvel in dc and he's baldheaded like me it's weird oh you have an amazing story oh it's pretty

fucking crazy i remember the first time i heard this story i was like this this sounds not true like just the fact that like there's a comic and you're doing you're doing things and you get on tv yeah and that this leads to prison i mean what she doesn't know that she doesn't know the story i purposely did not want to get the details because i want to hear it for the first time dude please okay so i stopped gangbanging i have a son but you know you're still gangbanging but i'm not out there i'm not looking for trouble where are you from first of all so everybody knows i'm from orange okay and i don't want to say that i still got shit down okay you don't want to say that yeah gotcha and uh and when you surrounded let me just to like kind of give it a some color you're surrounded

by gangbanging as a kid right well this is 1991 bro yeah everyone's gangbanging yeah like i don't even i'm on the i'm the captain of the football team and i'm gangbanging really yeah it's just like i back in those days nobody moves so it's everybody from kindergarten yeah you know what i mean it's all my friends and then we decided to make our own gang because our family wouldn't let them be from their gang they're like you're not gonna be from this fucking gang so we're like all right we made our own really yeah we started as a party crew and then we're like you know what we're going to parties and people are trying to beat us up so my friend decides to bring a gun we're like all right now you're a gang yeah i didn't know you could start your own gang pretty crazy right yeah yeah

no you can it's pretty diy of you guys it's pretty what's that do it yourself it's pretty punk rock you're like you know i don't say that in the gang like hey man we're diy yeah is that your click diy click that's pretty bad right there diy diy do it yourself do it yourself yeah they do it yourself gang now wait one of the best thing about i i guess all all gangs but the thing that always grabs people's attention are like nicknames yes oh yeah smiley did you have chords joker i'm shotgun shotgun shotgun yeah that's me right that's a dope nickname because like when i got jumped in the first full i hit drop second full dropped and then i got dropped it was just boom boom and they're like hey that's shotgun right there

i like that yeah yeah that's a tight nickname hell yeah yeah and back in the days too the girls would be like what's your nickname they call me shotgun baby two cocks and you blow you know you're a kid yeah i can't believe i've never said that on fucking stage now you do you sell that shirt no that's a good shirt that is a good shirt yeah man and did you uh i know i grew up here i grew up in san fernando valley and my first friend that was a chola named chula and she taught me how to smoke cigarettes when i was 13 and she didn't know how to smoke cigarettes not at 13 i learned how to smoke from chula and she was like hey you want to hang out with my friends and i she was you like oldies and i was like fuck no i don't like fucking oldies like i like moracy and or whatever the

fucking gay shit i was listening to you know what i mean but did you listen to oldies hell yeah i grew up on that show you know what cholos grew up on moracy cholos do love moracy we fucking grew up there's a story yeah there's a story that i guess he was going to woodstock somewhere and his bus broke down in Boyle Heights in east LA and they're out there fixing the bus and all the cholos came and he was like amused how everyone's hair was slicked back they're all creased down yeah the women had roses and they made them food and they gave them heroin and he was like i'm fucking staying here that's dude i'm trying to find out if that's true because that's bomb yeah you notice he caters to east LA no yeah he caters to east LA he does shows downtown LA east LA really yeah moracy

representative yeah so oldies but oldies were always just on right angel baby yeah oldies and funk but oldies were on because like the culture for a cholo is to love and protect your lady yeah i love that art labo art labo is the man dude i got to work with him no way fuck yeah i was crazy that's cool yeah but uh did you know by the way did you ever know that that the the term the word cholo is in some spanish-speaking countries very derogatory yeah you did know that yes okay because i've met like some mexican people here and like you know in for people that don't know if you're like californian it's kind of describes a certain culture and a status right yeah oh yeah but like in latin america cholo is like in some places like n word yeah you know and it means it's

what n word is that ah never mind it's about it's it's uh basically you would say it to it's kind of native yeah native it's kind of worse in the n word yeah it's pretty bad because like it's weird i've always had this argument my mom i said it last night on the stage yeah my mom was like i didn't come to america for you to be a fucking cholo i walked for you to be a cholo and i was like dude why you putting this on me yeah it's like fuck my bad you know what i mean but it is looked upon bad but it's only looked upon bad because they seen it as we were bringing them down not realizing cholos were created to protect the community right because white people in blacks would come into our community and try to punk us and take what we had because they didn't want us there right so the

cholos made they became like the protectors and then smile now cry leader fuck yeah yeah so okay so this is crazy right here i love this right now i feel like i'm on like csi but like all right so you're you're in this uh you know you're growing up and you're in this uh school in this area where you guys are like we're out we're our own gang yeah well it was a party crew and we're right next door to santa anna garden grove orange fuller tin and it's like active niss yeah there's a street that we cruise that's called bristol and i've seen people die there like at 14 years old i've seen people get shocked and i fucking come back the next week because there's bomb ass chicks there's everything yeah and yeah bro that was the lifestyle and then

boom graduated high school came a construction worker did telemarketing i did all kinds of shit i bet you like were you a pretty good employee like when you sign up fuck yeah yeah because i'm just like show up to work on you know you know we have those comedic skills that we didn't know about right so i didn't know back then i used i was the guy at work that was like kind of poor so i had to make fun of you because i knew you were gonna make fun of me i had borrowed shoes on this is my tools yeah yeah so fuck yeah but you showed up on time oh fuck yeah i i called early today i was i suspect see i really suspected this though yeah yeah because you have that thing where i you i believe that you're gonna do what you say you're gonna do oh i will yeah i believe it fuck

that's crazy how you asked me that i felt like you were asking me to kill somebody you know george i believe you're gonna say what you do well actually off mic i want to talk to you about something don't oh my god listen he's a good guy don't yeah all right so i'm trying so how soon at like you're doing the construction you're doing the construction i got two kids now dog at this point at this point okay you have two children how old i have four now how old are you when you had your first 18 yeah yeah so now i got an 18 i'm eight i'm 19 i got no 20 i get my second baby's mom pregnant we we were good i do construction and then we break up and i meet this other chick and not that the girls i've been with are not educated but i i meet an educated

chick she's uh trying to get her masters in creative writing and she's like a homie i don't know if you know this but you are a comedian and you don't even know this i was like you talking really yeah so she saw that yeah so she took me to her poetry reading open mic shit and i'd go up there and fuck around whatever boom i go to this one in uh edwin you know edwin san juan yeah yeah edwin san juan i finally go to a real underground latino comedy show you know what i'm talking about yeah yeah it's a winzding there's 300 people all gangsters and it's weird because like that was the last time i hit up people at a comedy club i remember being there going a full day where you from me they're like i'm here to watch comedy i was like oh my bad like right not here man

yeah so i i go on stage jeff garcy is up there doing a your mama joke battle i destroy her i'm just like with the hat yeah right he's like hey what's that back yeah funny yeah and then he tells me a homie you want it like you want to start opening it up for me i was like what's opening right off right out the back yeah oh wow yeah and boom now um like i don't do improvs but i'm doing other spots and by the way did you have like a rolodex of of your mama joke oh i have him on point really this day really what's your favorite one your mom is like a piñata you gotta be blindfolded before you hit it that's yeah is that cool that's great all right i feel like i weirdo saying that to you guys no no no that's oh there's no filters here there's no boundaries

no oh they say whatever the fuck you want nothing we have a fart mic you can fart into a microphone if you want just let me know yeah oh man this is an award-winning the last time i farted into something it was a vent in prison no don't get there yeah yeah we're jumping ahead okay we're gonna go now boom i'm doing comedy for like a year and a half uh willmer valderrama spots me at the live factory latino night because i'm riffing on fools in the crowd i don't have material yet i'm trying to find material yeah so i'm riffing you know i don't even know set up timing none of that shit yet i'm new they just threw me in this shit because i'm quick right so i do mtv your mama i remember that show yeah and i'm i'm winning so i'm i'm in like the last round now i'm dj and at a strip club

now because i'm doing comedy at night so i dj at a strip club in the daytime it's a fucking friday six o'clock i'm off work a half an hour i don't know where the fucking game unit comes in kicks the doors down at a fucking strip club and i'm dj and i don't even dress like a gangster no more i'm wearing like a dave chapelle i'm trying to dress like dave chapelle remember i used to wear those ones on a chapelle show yeah yeah like the jogger shit yeah and and then like they're like where's george perez and i'm just sitting there going what the fuck is going on where you're that startled by it yeah like what yeah and then my manager's like he's right here oh this guy that's who you want oh no so i get locked up

how how quickly when you get locked up do you know why you're locked up right because at first you're well they tell you why right away yeah you know what like see i'm not charged i don't know what the story is now hold on how old are you just so i have context you're 22 22 you have two children at this point yes two baby mamas you're working your your day job and you're in showbiz you're on a tv show yeah you're successful no we don't even know if it's gonna make it yet this is the we're like we're shooting a pilot it's kind of not the pilot but it is okay it's like it's weird okay so you're on your way you're living your life you're you're going yeah exactly wow thanks for reminding me no because it's kind of like fuck i do remember like yeah i remember like i wasn't

gangbanging or nothing how long had it been since you'd you'd been gangbanging it's been like a year and a half i mean i'm i'm i'm still in the streets but i'm not at the parties and stuff like that you know and uh yeah it was weird though because before you when you go to the county you go to the county first no what happened they take me and they interrogate me oh yeah they're like you're like hey uh you see this guy you beat him up i beat this guy up at the park playing basketball i kicked his fucking ass like kicked his ass like i won't you see that scar right there yeah yeah yeah it's it's i kicked his fucking ass this is uh from playing where you go yeah we're playing ball and i'm real good at basketball okay real good and i was clowning this full you know i could

talk shit sure so you're getting scored on and this full swings on me and like misses and i remember just like body slamming punching all kinds of shit fucked him up fucked him up like so bad that people were like just get in your car and get the hell out of here so that's what i'm in here for and i'm just going you know how you sit in your head thinking you know everything yeah man he's my fuckers don't got shit on me this shit happened four years ago maybe three four years ago yeah yeah he didn't know who i was and no one at the park was gonna say shit because i was a bad mother fucker back then yeah they were like hey homie we don't know who did it you know money talks and bullshit fucking walks somebody fucking came through this is a rumor that i heard that some punk

asked why he's a kicker with that i he's i boned his lady you know how fucking guys all he boned my lady fucking we should get locked up gives my name up the guy sees me on tv on yo mama the guy that i beat up no what so he's on yo mama and the guy's like that's the guy that kicked my ass up it's your worst nightmare but here's it here's the thing man it's four years ago that you beat this guy up how can he be sure he can positively ID you do you know what i mean you change in four years da riverside his sister's da yeah riverside and it's not in mind but you know they got connections they talk horse you know what i mean so you know you i mean imagine you you're the judging you look it up you're like oh shit this guy already has two gun possessions tagging fucking

curfew as a kid oh it was almost in juvenile home so they're just like yeah so you know i didn't lawyer up or nothing oh no i yeah i was just like so what's up and they were like well you're gonna go to the county and you gotta go to court and you know my brothers my family works they got money but i've never asked them for nothing so i call my brother up hey dog i need to get belled out i'm doing real good in my life right now i'm not even done filming MTV yo mama we're not even done because we were still gonna do season three this is season one so and he also must think at first when you call like you just did some shit but the irony is that you hadn't done some shit exactly yeah it was it was funny i remember what i remember this cholo told me hey homie you

got time for doing time yeah yeah and i was like fuck so now i'm out of court and i'm fighting this shit now i i lawyer it up i'm fighting it and i just filmed the showtime special with joey dias at this time yeah as i'm fighting this now how is i mean the stress of that did you sleep at night of course but i'm just not thinking it's i have so much other shit going on in my life so wait your brother did bail you out yeah my brother bells me out and then you get a lawyer yeah and and then isn't this basically a case of a guy being like that's the guy like that's the evidence right yeah and then are you is the what what does the the lawyer tell you is the well the lawyer is like check this out this happened at the area your gang hangs out you're known for playing basketball

at this part fuck you know it was by my house kind of where i grew up and yeah it's it's all bad bro so it's like he's like pleadio like that's what that this is where i fucked up the guy was like look man i remember one time he's like hey i we're gonna we're gonna give you eight years because i broke his eye socket so it's a great bodily injury adds three years fuck excuse me and i'm just going there like can i just do weekends right i gotta film a tv show yeah i'm busy right now i was like you know what you know you talked to other game members that don't know shit and they're like hey homie just take it to the box at the end of the day they're going to see the evidence is low they're going to offer you three years take it and do halftime

and i'm like let's see what happens you know so my my lawyer is postponing it postponing it postponing it finally gets to the point where the judge is like look three years i can't give you half but i'll give you 80 percent and the lawyer doesn't even know i'm a comedian now i do charities and shit so i fire this lawyer i get another lawyer i'm gonna win nope i lost july what was it it was july 16 2009 no 2006 is i got out of no nine and i remember i stand in front of the the judge and he was just like yo man we find you guilty bro is that how he sentenced you it was weird i i remember his name judge wopner because yeah the people's court yeah that's the craziest you were convicted in the people's court you know what's funny is i never watched

fucking people's court until i told someone else they said the same shit and i remember like fuck so when they say you're guilty you don't get a sentencing they don't sentence you that yet you go to a sentencing trial next oh fuck so the stress of it you don't even know how much your life is ruined you have to wait for the next fucking thing i want to understand this so for the for judge wopner's thing was this a jury trial yeah jury so you did a full trial full trial fuck and was your defense i didn't do i wasn't i didn't go up there but did your defend did your lawyer say like that wasn't him is that what the defense was no that the defense was is look george plays basketball a lot there george did not do this to this guy he might have

because i told him for look we gotta be honest dog at the end of the day the lawyer's gonna the judges get how i look at it judges look at you and they're like if you're a fucking liar we're gonna lock you up right and i wasn't lying i told him i'm not gonna sit up there i can't lie like that right yeah i didn't do that like i would have laughed you know what i mean sure my sense of humor sure i would have been like but the defense was george plays there a lot he goes there he didn't he didn't do it look at him he's you know now he knows i'm a comedian right he knows i'm a good dad you know what i mean like dude he's not even only in child support like what the fuck's going on and then all these letters i had everyone write letters because i'm when when you fight it i had

a lawyer so i can fight it out now that the judge the judge said you're guilty they put me in jail so now i'm in jail and i can't fight this and i'm waiting for sentencing so i'm thinking in my head fuck i'm gonna get seven years you know you're not even thinking oh i'm gonna do comedy i'm more like fuck my family my kids yeah and then boom ah the judge wopner came out from people's court motherfucker he was like mr pares i'm gonna give you three years of half time he's like you know you look like a lot of good people came and spoke for you you know it's weird because i wanted to cry bro but there's so many other inmates there like if i cry i'm at the answer to that shit yeah so i'm just there like fuck yeah you know happy as hell

you know dude at this time i got my girl from pregnant like she's pregnant with my daughter i wasn't there for my daughter she was born bro like i'm going through shit in my head right sure and then boom so that means three years what half time meaning you're year and a half year and a half i'm thinking i have a year and a half right yeah and then what happens though why so now you now you you wait in the county and then there's this thing called the chain the chain is when they chain you up they put you on a bus and they drive you to wasco they got a prison up there in bakersfield it's called wasco my heart is pounding out so much anxiety for you just oh the part horrible i caught the chain christmas eve no they can't even fucking let you

have christmas yeah because i'm locked up by my house so my family's gonna come see me on christmas and i was like but fuck it you want to get there because when you get to prison you're it it's different the county you're in a i'm in a jail cell 23 hours a day because i'm a high risk in me gang all that bullshit so now when you're in prison you get to walking around but we're gonna we're gonna get to that yeah it's fascinating fuck i need a drink yeah do you want some beer you want a beer you ever hear these uh yeah you know let me get a beer have a beer you know you ever hear these uh remember those uh cholos that were gang banging in syria yeah and they were like they were like they went there just to fight are you serious are you serious

now this is the the censored one that's no fun let's see if this is uh cholos in syria yeah they're like we wanted to go shoot guns and shit bro let's see if don't they do that anyway and we're still right here homie it's fucking morning fucking we got the enemy guys right there homie let me represent myself homie it's creeper homie from the gdop trece gang homie some valley gang homie it's fucking whiner from waste army power gang homie still poros uranios putting it down that's right my boy and they're just those fools are real now now that i know what they are yeah they're real yeah in prison the persians and their manians run with the medskins real all right they're sirenos interesting i did not know that yeah that's who they align themselves with yeah

because that's they don't want to eat and listen to nobody else so when you hang out with us the medskins you eat with us and you're allowed to shower with us we got to get into all this stuff oh yeah all the politics choice nice so yeah man you gotta remember this i've never been in prison yeah so i was saying is it okay i know like obviously you run in with crew and get into wild shit but there is a moment when you're going to prison of like terror right oh yeah oh fuck is gonna happen that moment happens once i exited that bus because they strip you down of everything and when you leave the county you don't want to take shit with you that you so you leave all your food amen it's for you guys you know good luck fighting your case here's

your pencils your paper your stamps all that stuff that's needed yeah you just show up to prison with all the letters from your family lyrics from songs because you always that's how you make music in there is people send you the lyrics and you sing them yeah yeah and i have all my lyrics my letters my addresses the phone numbers the people i need to talk talk and the iphone's not out yet so you gotta remember like it's it's all fuck and then you get off the bus you have no underwear on no socks you just got a ghetto ass jumpsuit with fucking sandals on you're fully shackled like jango yeah seen jango yeah sure yeah you're like that but without the shit on like right like ankles and yeah so it's a real like shuffling yeah and then get off the bus and you walk into an

office like this there's a desk there's women men and they tell you hey get butt fucking naked right now so you're butt naked hanging out with no you're not supposed to be next to a black guy next to a gay guy next to a transsexual next you're not you don't you don't even know who you're around right now so when you had you're going fuck once these cuffs comes off i'm ready boom once the cuff comes off all right hey where you from are they put you in like cells and then there was this white boy that came in his eye it was all fucking bleeding this shit and i thought he got jumped but he won the fight of this other fool that came that was more fucked up whoa and then you look at the signs and they say no warning shots oh right so like a worksheet to kill yeah damn and then yeah and then

you wait in uh you wait like in uh it'll it'll be like a building like this uh they're like cells but they hold 300 people and they're already separating you blacks whites they do it to you well they're asking you once you go in hey man who you gonna run with it it's not even it's like it's already established yeah you know like when you look if if i go to prison they look at all my tattoos they're like what's up homie cut hey your people are over there dog yeah that's your car at their orange county hey that's your car your car's over there so whoo shit wait can we back it up once go ahead dog so back it up a second i know you so you you'd had a prior like gun possession this and that yeah but going a lot of times i mean i've heard people say that have been locked up

that jail like county jails in some places are like way worse than depending on the prison that they would end up in was no fuck no was jail but when you got to jail it's just the guards because you're dealing with sheriffs you're dealing with people that you're not going to see for a while and sheriffs are way different than correction officers correction officers live with you in the prison it's like you live together so you're plotted off like if you were you look like a ceo sorry yeah it's all good you have that look like i fucking smashed trollos when i'm bored yeah you know how many times like especially a few years ago before i was ever on anything that um i would be somewhere and somebody would be like how's it going officer yeah what and they're like

you know why i was like what yeah why he's sharp he's clean yeah you could tell like that because we both try to outsharp in each other like oh i'm gonna get to other shit let me ask you this so tom let's say he's gonna go to prison and they ask him where do you belong now he's they're not gonna ask him shit they know what's up there's only one white place you go well here's the thing he said gra he's got a latin last name he speaks Spanish he's half peruvian so where the fuck does he belong well they still send me the white people the whites are gonna confront you first that's right they're gonna be like what's up hey tom tom sagura and they're gonna be like well who's who's the Mexican blood in your family it's not i was adopted man

i'm actually irish so they're gonna be like adopted homie you gotta go over there that's good yeah adopted homie but he can't he can't roll with latins right well they i mean he could roll he could roll with latins if he was just to be like look homie i grew up with latin i don't i don't know the way the whites live because it's the way your culture yeah that's how you live and check it out dog like i'm not from a gang but i'm gonna i'm gonna roll with you guys if that's cool and then from there on though that's it that's it you cannot no longer leave groups your that's that's it yeah that is it tom i'm in you're in bro i'm in you're in homie and yeah latin can't wait can't wait oh god looking forward to it yeah so you're in and they and they

separate you yeah but let's go back though so the sheriffs are more chill let's say no they're fucking dick but not as bad as a ceo dude when i was when i was in the county yeah tom i don't fuck around bro we we started a riot yeah and i'm we fucking started a riot and it was fucking crazy and we did it gangster too three in the morning we fucking woke up everybody everybody we got we all passed letters on homie three in the morning we're gonna get up and we're gonna check these fools and let them know who runs this place okay so we get up at three in the morning motherfuckers had piss in their cups throwing it on people we were fucking jumping people i don't know where the fucking the sheriffs see there's the guards would never do with the

sheriffs come on they start shooting us in the face with um like pelling bags with pepper spray in them and to them if you get hit with the welt you were in the fight so i'm all fucking welped up and shit and then now i went to the hole whenever you get into a fight you go to solitary confinement yeah so i'm in the hole for 21 days and i remember i i had to go to court and now you're in a red jumpsuit because you're a dangerous inmate so now i'm fucking shackled again going to court and uh and uh and uh you know they're mostly all i'm not racist towards white people i'm racist towards white cops because of what i've been through sure you know and uh i just remember this young asshole alroyd and i was like uh you're one of those motherfuckers i was in

that riot hunt i was just like you know i'm not allowed to talk to the police i i didn't answer him so i'm fucking cuffed and shit this motherfucker kicks me and i fucking fall forward and like i have to get up and defend myself and i remember getting up and i defend myself and then the other homeless are like hey dog no no you they're gonna give you more time dog just chill relaxed we've seen it you're you did yours just chill dog and i i can't wait to find that fucker i hate it that i'm successful now though i hate that i'm successful because i want to kick his ass but i know the consequences i just want to see him and be like hey do you want to have a talk let's want to roast them yeah yeah yeah that would be more satisfying yeah i'd feel that way about

the jurors that put me away like when you looked in their faces wait no because i did it yeah i did in my head i was like fuck hey like i don't i'm not mad at none of them i'm not mad at the judge they have a job to do like this is what i learned from prison hey man i fucked somebody up i did time it's finally over with like i feel free and was that guy that you beat up was he in court every day was he like when hell yeah with the breathing machine with a breathing machine yeah that's what the fight ended up hitting he couldn't need one he was just yeah oh he was being like oh he was trying to get paid because he seen me he was all this was balling oh fuck oh man i want to find that fucker now too damn tom hey christina got me looking for people yeah they're gonna play this at the

next trial you guys give me that ratings went up thanks yeah i know so we're gonna have to re-air this wait so okay so sheriffs obviously can be dicks but co's are a different level well we're not allowed to talk to them but they're more respectful who is the correctional we're not allowed to talk to no police but the correctional officers are more like hey good morning hey okay how you guys doing hey you guys need an extra towel because they know you respond to that though yeah yeah okay well whenever you talk to a correctional officer or a sheriff you have to have another person from your crew with you every race does that why do they do that because you're not snitching because i got you i got you say you were a cop i could just walk up to you be like

yo man these fools are gonna stab me yeah don't look at them but look so this is going down right i'll talk to you later right hell no god so you always have someone else always because you're protecting and then you ask for permission hey you know what my bunk has ants and shit i kind of need to spray i need to go ask the cop for something all right go ahead home you're allowed to boom and you go with someone got you wow i never knew that's fascinating yeah oh it's great wait till we get to prison let's go yeah okay so now they give you uh a big old laundry bag like a navy style one and it has your it has uh your blues your blues is the pride you got blue new jeans a shirt like this one and and uh your bob barker shoes they give you these slip-ons that are fucking ghetto

as fuck yeah you remember the shoes i'm there for bob barker dude yeah bob barker he has prison clothes really yeah called the bob barkers yeah they're yeah they're bad they're vintage now really yeah now prison has its own thing called pia prisons institutional art and they make all the clothes for all the prisons wow yeah it's money bro yeah money so this is weird now tom because like i've noticed my paperwork they got me with the killers because of my record and wasco d4 is considered now it's the hole but when i was there it was like oh fuck it gets crazy now so now we leave this building and it's dark this is day one still yeah this is day one and so you know you know you're going to your people's though at least that no i don't even

know that you don't know that yet no i don't even know where i'm going like like if i was a if i was an inmate that wasn't crazy they would have put me in the dormitory where i would have been around a hundred people relaxing talking to you what's up now they put me in a two-man cell i knew it was coming you walk there's fucking towers people on gun watching you there's cages in the hallway that are like from that ceiling from that bookcase to that camera the cages and there's people in there because we'll fight those fuckers if we walk down that hallway now your enemies all my enemies are fucking in sight no but they're in cages and we're walking to our

you know it sucks but i used to call it my home now i'm gonna go home right now i'm walking to my home yeah and it's weird we shoved to a tower and that guy's like hey he's like what he got he goes i got two fools from southern california and i got a black guy all right cool i didn't know they were gonna house us together so all the blacks are on the bottom and all the medskins are on top and boom i walk in they're all talking shit what the fuck were you from put what's in all that i just i've always known you don't say shit you just do it yeah so i'm i'm biting my tongue and i see a homie upstairs good job homie because you recognize dude no no no he could tell i'm one of him because he's just like like i already get the signs like you know we talk

to each other in sign language i know how to do sign language as far as he's telling you just yeah he's just letting me know like i see you keep it all right hey you're you're gonna come up he's just like then boom then the guard goes so boom i go up there and then once you go into your jail cell it's mandatory that you show your paperwork to show what you're locked up for because if that shit says pedophile rapist snitch yeah you're done that's it that's it so boom checks it out all right all right homeboy oh oh you and like you got homies from your area here like it's all right cool woody woody hey that's your bunk i get my cleaning spray clean my bunk wooty woot fucking put my clothes on get my pictures you know and it's kind of weird because you know i lost my

whole comedy personality for sure i was gonna ask you that yeah now i'm just like what's up homie hey shotgun i'm from orange dawn all right cool boom hey that's my bunk i ain't saying i got kids i ain't saying i do comedy i ain't saying none of that shit no i'm a fucking gangster homie right you know what i mean yeah and i didn't know this but the cell that i'm going in the guy that was just there fucking fought the guards and in prison there's four yards there's two yards okay there's one there's like we call it the one side the two side and the three side and the four side that's where the piece of shits are the rapist pedophile snitches uh transsexual they actually put them over yeah you have to because if you put them they put the transsexuals in the gaze with the pedophiles

and the rapists yes why is that it's protective it's a special needs yard uh i see so they won't get fucked because if they get in with you guys it's over it's a wrap did you ever see that happen yes yeah yeah i mean all these dudes see what happens is is you leave main line and you go to protective custody yard and you're like fuck this i don't want to be here no more maybe they'll forget it's been 10 years i want to go back over there where there's life right you know what i mean because protective custody is horrible yeah you're just there you don't know if your cell is a rapist a child molester none of that you don't know who you're living with and he's a snitch he's a piece of shit yeah that's how we look at it yeah yeah and yeah but fuck all that i don't want to think about

that yeah so i fucking go to sleep for like an hour and they raid us they're my first time in prison yeah and yeah all right go ahead what was next wait what did they find they find anything what are they looking for they raided all the medskins because we were at a war with the blacks and that only existed on this yard when you go to another yard the blacks and the medskins weren't fighting it's weird like other it's like communities this community is like nah fuck that shit they're like huh so it's weird because we're we're at war with blacks and a black came from another side of the prison and we weren't at war with him oh it was he's fine yeah i remember telling us for a dog because in prison like the guards play this game where they do unlock so they'll open

a door for people that got to go somewhere and they'll open another door and if they open enemy doors you have to fucking fight and they're doing that on purpose yeah they're born that's fucked up now you mentioned looking fresh you're like looking tight right what what's that all about you're you started to say that and i was like let's wait until later you want to like out uh there's there there's a term that we made up called bonnaroo a home you want to look bonnaroo fucking crease down like you want to show every other race we're cleaner than you we're just nicer than you we're tighter than you yeah and cholos always have like that clean yeah that's what we are we're like hey homie like i'm not a piece of shit look at you all dirty yeah yeah yeah and that's

just how it is it's weird i still iron to this day i don't even go to the cleaners yeah you iron your shirt iron my suit anything yeah oh it's weird and yeah man so wait it's pride a day or let's say um so you get your raid it's like day two is it slowly are you is somebody like vouching like this who you are you mean how do you make friends like do you make friends well it's it's the biggest camaraderie ever like like once i got there there was a letter that was sent awida hey this is the fool that's here boom and people are like excuse me people are like oh i know people from his gang oh this was from a solid neighborhood you know what i mean mm-hmm because we've been in the game for a long time where i'm at and i kind of know people and uh this is the

weird fucking part day five i did showtime i don't fucking know if it came out right we have tv in the day room no no they don't fucking have showtime do they they have a commercial oh fuck buy us little comedy slam because bakers and i'm just going on my head what the fuck yeah they're like george prez yeah and then oh but no one knows me and george prez you're yeah i'm shotgun shotgun yeah yeah i haven't heard my name george since i was in the county so this commercial airs as everybody started going like no no no no in my head i'm a little heartbroken like oh fuck all right whatever you know all right fuck it it is what it is you're in reception for four months the first prison i went to was uh i mean a counselor they evaluate me they see how i am as a person what

they asked you like what did you do before this and i had to put comedian construction worker you know and they were like all right so that's the job they're gonna give you oh once you're in yeah and you have to have a job to be programming and if you have a job now you're allowed to go to yard you're allowed to go do right get stored by stuff and shit like that and hey i'm not gonna lie tom christina i was having the best time of my fucking life what why what about it is good because it's just like i was no there was no stress of getting up there was no stress of bills it was just like a dog how are we gonna survive how are we gonna eat and i was with a solid group of people we all like we all looked out for each other you guys had each other's back yeah

and uh this is a crazy shit is a white a white boy cholo that's half white half met the the guy that was my celly he he he what he got took out he he was a medicated he was fucking weirdo fucking weirdo i remember he tried to scare me one time he was like hey homie at night i fucking see demons in myself and i was like we'll turn the fucking light on and he didn't know what to do he was like oh fuck turn the light on yeah turn the light on home we're not gonna get in trouble if you turn the light on he was just like oh all right whatever so i honestly think to this day that he told because i was in there working out like fucking talking about that you're getting good shape yeah i was in there work you have to work out it's

mandatory is it it's for for my people you have to get up in the morning when we wake up like say we're in prison right now yeah i'd wake up and be like spans on the theater this is shotgun from orange saying saludos good morning when those the eyes you'd have to say it next really yeah like a roll call the white people say instead of good morning you say would morning because they call you woods heck of woods yeah so would morning this is tom and then but see i'm not allowed to go eat yet because i'm with high killer inmates so they just open your door and they throw the food in on a tray and then you got like four minutes to eat it and then get the tray so it's a bad mother fuckers in your off dude lip go tom tom i'm in bakersfield

and uh there's a there's a there's a i've never ever been scared of a krip that was the biggest fucking krip i've ever seen this fool looked like he made buster rimes look little and he was like buster rimes who swore was fuck he was in there for killing three people stupid ass fool shot someone at a club in the hallway like like in the club this fool shot fools in the club and he was being a very disrespectful dude we i guess other medskins fucking stabbed them before this okay and so he decided to piss on one of our doors because when they let you out they they use the showers upstairs or we use the showers downstairs don't ask me why but the cops want to see some shit yeah so yeah man that was the biggest fucking dude i've ever seen ever and you had a did you had to go like no like

whoever like whoever had to get them got them and hey i give the homies heart who did it because yeah they got we got we didn't get them but see the thing is is if like if you're a threat to us we're gonna jump you because when you jump someone they get you off that yard yeah and you get shipped somewhere what does they call it but did uh what did they call you like disrespectfully you know i mean the other races the blacks they would call us uh mexico's mexico vener's wetbacks uh fucking chuntaddles i don't know a chuntaddle it's it's it's it's like a word that medskins from america made to to medskins from mexico it's like come on homie i ain't like iron your pants oh right wearing that you look like a chuntaddle yeah yeah like you'd have to

kind of school the the foreign mexicans yeah how we do it around and then when we go over there that's what they call it a fucking chuntaddle go get some boots homie you gotta fuck those pants yeah it's kind of like we slang switch each other yeah and with the the peckerwoods call you guys anything different or no not because we're allies oh you were yeah met medskins and whites are allies like we live by the same code you know what i mean yeah interesting and the persians and the armenians that's why i want to go back to so you said that the persians and the armenians also power gang homie still put us over and you're putting it down homie and middle east homie in syria still gang bang and not give us fuck can i tell you what happened to those guys yeah because

they got locked up in california joined us i wouldn't say us because i'm let's they joined the medskins and when you get out ianess deport you because you don't longer have rights what if you're from a different country like they'll take you to russia africa they don't fuck around get out of here so they shot those fools to the middle east oh got you and they were fucking like well yeah yeah i i've seen that video i know who they are those fools are with it they're the real deal they look like they're the real deal the real deal my focus will blast on site yeah yeah i mean they i think they put on a little demo in this video yeah yeah that's pretty wild walk me through an average day of prison so you wake up i'm not even in prison yet are we serious this is reception

prison this is a four month period this is a four month so now i wait am i still wasco yeah wasco and now i see a counselor and they're like all right and uh my girlfriend at the time was real smart and she goes hey if i write them a hardship they'll send you to a prison too closer to us so we can visit you so you know she i was with the smart chick so boom she does that shit and they send me to norco crc how's that it's uh it's not a crazy prison but it is it's more of a druggy prison it's it's it's old navy barracks in norco it's right here it's in riverside norco off the 15 and uh it was pretty fucking scary bro because uh i've never been around it's a level two yard when you're in prison there's a level one yard that's where we chong

tommy chong when he got locked up he was at a level one yard it's uh everyone's gonna do two years one year you're going home it's relax okay level two yard is where i'm at it's like you know what it's chill but shit goes down right you got people that are coming in from a level three yard just to have fun they're gonna fuck around and go right back right so at then a level four yard is where i was at originally like it's just after nine o'clock if you say a word you're gonna get beat up in the morning rules killers gangsters and everywhere everywhere so but compared to where you were with at wasco this is definitely a better situation right it is a way better situation i liked wasco though because i got this fuck dude i didn't even tell you that oh man i forgot

about that wasco i seen my friends from elementary no and they were pissed why hey homie i thought you were gonna be a comedian and make it like you're making this look bad and i was like whoa that's gotta hurt i mean it didn't hurt but it did and it it's something that stays with me now but now you're doing it though yeah yeah i remember this one gangster my homeboy big sleeps from basset out there shout out to you my boy gave me a lot of knowledge he grabs me he goes hey homie uh my son came in on visiting and he's seeing you and he goes that's that fool dog he used to do comedy at casa latina that's that guy he's real he's with the business he's funny and the dad was like i see you here and i want you to go show the world what gangsters are

that we're still funny that we can fuck around like don't ever come back here i was like wow some real shit right there og yeah all right well sorry for the sentimental no i know that's great man yeah i never get to talk like this to people this is fucking weird i love this i love this you know by the way this is like an aside i've told this story before but i gotta tell you i think i don't know if i've told you last time i saw you that so i used to work for this uh i don't say this family okay in town that legitimate business and the the mother's mexican father's white guy and the kids look they look more latino right they look like their mom so the kid these are clean cut like they you know go to school and they're not bad kids but the kid loves tattoo

the boy yeah starts getting tattoos all over arms legs in like certain styles that like to the untrained eye you'd be like are those gang tattoos and he kind of liked that you know he kind of liked they look like badass tattoos like a like a a lot of teenage boys would right like oh i just looked badass so and then you know people are like what is that and he would make up oh it's this and that just kind of fucking around he gets pulled over for a d y or you know drunk driving they take him downtown to twin towers and they throw him in like they just look at him yeah and they just throw him in they're like you are whatever so then you know you're going in here so he's in what used to be the gym which is now all bunked up because it's over populated

yes night one so he's in this thing and by the way you know other badass fools are like who are you he's kind of bullshitting to like you know i already know what this is going on here so so night night one a fucking inmate punches a female guard in the face and like a riot ensues and he didn't jump locked out he's like he goes it's so chaotic and so crazy that he's walking me through day by day he's like dude i realize on day six first of all he's in for d y and it's supposed to be in a drunk tank and just let out shut out he said i go so why i don't understand why you're not just that he goes every time i would call to a guard be like like here's my situation this is you know this is not right or whatever he's like guard he'd be like shut the fuck up

and like he wouldn't even be able to get out because of how he looked because yeah they're like whatever he's trying they all think he's bullshit no one's listening to anything he says he goes it's day six and i haven't taken a shit yet i was like what he goes well i would go to the bathroom and i would sit down and if i was sitting on the toilet like let's say 20 seconds later just two dudes walking in i would be so scared that something's about to happen that i just pull my pants out of my body would just shut it down just kept shutting down anyways he lasts he he lasts out there you know i don't know like another fucking five six days and then they move them to the uh the valley they call it the hilton like jokingly they call it the hilton

because it's so much better than the towers exactly and then he's there for and then he's like he goes that one's pretty cool i'm like you haven't you haven't done anything bad yet like you're just you got a du i he's like yeah we're playing cards having fun it's not cat he did something else it's not catching he i don't know he ends up doing he gets out uh two weeks he does two weeks for getting pulled over for your du i he must have been speeding or something you think so yeah and then they um he said they just you know he finally gets out but that dude part of the reason was that he what he basically tried to look like he was home yeah yeah oh shit yeah that's yeah uh my son has my son's 22 that's crazy yeah and he's tatted up and i'm the first one broke my heart

but i was like fuck what am i he got the same thing me all my family we got our last names on our stomach you know it's a Mexican thing yeah and he got it and his cousin did it i was like fuck and uh i remember my fucking son stupid ass goes to Ohio he gets locked up in Ohio no for like du i kind of fighting fighting yeah he's yeah and i remember he was just like dead nobody would even talk to me because of the tattoos i had right you're so lucky you weren't in california full yeah yeah because a lot of people don't understand all this shit right here stands for something and you're gonna get called out for it sure hey dawg who who gave you that is that how that worked who gave you that yeah and i'm gonna say oh

the homie right here from la puenta he blessed me with this that's what you say yeah no the homie right here my home but already right here something i bless him with that oh okay and uh it's it's kind of like you know like when someone has like a calendar and it has 07 06 05 those are all the years he did damn yeah yeah my friend he would have been like uh scott at the mall the barbed wire yeah he did i paid him like a thousand dollars he did this oh man what's the most common prison tattoo your last name of your city where yeah yeah your last name your city everyone gets portraits of their mom oh yeah and like fuck oh wait before i forget you said when the when you got that sentence that it was three years 50 percent you're like oh i thought i was gonna do yeah what happened so

what happened to that we're gonna get there okay okay it's crazy like so much shit happened to that date so you know you want to wait for that one yeah yeah absolutely yeah i still want to forget that happens in the later time okay no no we'll wait yeah it dude it's i have nightmares of this shit tom two three times a week fuck i'm sorry i don't mean to give you nightmares or bring it up no no it's it's it's weird because like you know uh i used to do a lot of fucking coke man that's the only drug that i could do and still be responsible weird shit yeah yeah and i've been sober now for like 11 10 months from coke yeah like i'll have withdrawals once every two three months but it's cool because i'm good and like i haven't done in like a four month solid and

my body's like fucking my brain up and then dude i had this dream that i was in fucking prison again and it was weird like i was in prison with my normal clothes and myself and i was like trying to throw it away i'm making him trouble it was all right here yeah so that that's yeah it's funny that the psychology of like what an experience like that does to you for the rest it never leaves it's gotta be a ptsd thing it's not my brother said that sure it is but it's not it is but it's not it's kind of like beating the marines but you never get to go to war yeah but but here's the thing like bring up to my so my dad was a marine corps and he was in vietnam and he was out in the bush like in the shit yeah and real shit real shit people's you know bodies blown up next to him

killing people people being killed i didn't realize for a long time like you know someone raising me my whole life till we're adults now how like because he was the kind of person who if you're like i want to talk about Vietnam he'd be like yeah sure like some people are like i don't want to talk about that yeah and so you talk you like oh you it didn't affect you takes a long time to realize oh it it tremendously affected you it just manifested it differently yes through you yes you know so it definitely like who i know as as my dad is it truly isn't who he was before that experience fuck no and and and i'll never know who that guy yeah something happens that's my my son tells me the same shit you said about yeah he goes dad because my daughter met me when

i got out of prison and i was completely fucking different my sons had me before all right so they know who that guy was yeah and i remember my kids telling me remember when you fucked that full up for the parking spot i was like dog it was black friday yeah oh fuck yeah no but it it has honestly man i'm glad i went to prison it made me realize what the consequences were if i do this shit again so you think about it do you ever think about it like when you get angry about something like hell yeah yeah somebody disrespects you or you know does something and i still work at a strip club in the daytime you do yeah and get some free passes or anything like that okay both of you how's the buffet yeah it's a little clammy yeah uh dude where i work i have to fucking

deal with this shit once a week like i work with us druggies homeless people real pimps real fucking pimps yeah real prostitutes and i remember just the other day i was driving and i have to go to this alley to leave my work and this fool was like fuck you puto so i stopped the car and i reverse it and as i'm reversing i'm just thinking about my kids and i was like i gotta they gotta do show the store three hours yeah what am i fucking doing that's right that's good and i just for you the fucked up part is i had to see in the next day same guy same guy because they're homeless they live in that fucking alley all right right but this is a 25 year old homeless yeah yeah that's just there because he wants to do drugs yeah and i remember just going

you know what man for your head go ahead walk by i one thing about prison is you'll learn to talk to people because if you had a problem with me you'd walk up to me hey george you know what you're looking at me weird at times and i don't know if it's because you have a problem with me i said something before like so what's up homie do you have a problem or not because i don't want to live in here thinking me and you have a problem right so i did that to that guy go hey man i work right there in them you talked shit to me yesterday like did you not know it was me or like and you know him he was oh yeah and i was just and then you know the old gangster came out of me i was like yeah i knew you were a fucking bitch dog look at you you're 25 you're this crazy homie

like if you get locked up dog you're gonna find out what's really up yeah yeah yeah that's crazy yeah oh my god so wait so walk that dude his pants of course you should his pants he had fucking shotgun on him the diy gang he didn't know what the fuck was i've heard other girls say what you just said right now i said it's fucking funny oh my god so so okay so four months in this first place and then the day so now you're you're going now i'm in prison prison fuck what's that process like it's fucking weird because it's uh no it's it's different you have a bunkie here too yeah now it's r and r but now i have a bunkie and i'm in a dormitory with a hundred inmates which is better right it's better but it sucks if it's riot time fuck often you guys riot whenever shit needs to go

down but is that i mean like is the frequency of that like once a month like no no it can it could go every day of the week it could go what oh no for five months it what's whatever's going down whatever you know prison is a place where it tells you what you need to do right you know if someone fucks up and like say you gotta go home tomorrow tom meet you on the yard and a guard walks up to you and just spits in your fucking face and we're all looking at you i would be the stupid ass and do something back not instead of saying hey dog go on tomorrow dog you can fuck me up today motherfuckers don't think like that in there no jeez yeah yeah in orange is the new black that's the problem when they knew they were getting released the guards would fuck

with the girls to try to get them to act out to increase their sentences it's really fucking dude inmates like you don't even want to tell your homies you're going home you don't no because someone will try to sabotage you homie you know i don't want you to leave dog fuck that shit yeah no sabotage yeah all right so now i'm doing my four-year term it's uh it was kind of weird because now i'm with gangsters that are druggies at this place this place is way more like using when an alarm goes off it is a riot at this place when the alarm goes off someone's running with drugs oh really yeah dude it's they i was at this place called the california hotel california it was a building that was 11 stories high and we were all on each story

and if you walk up we have to walk up the stairs and fuck shit went down in those stairs really shit went down and you know like i don't know people look at prison like it's a constantly getting hit up it's not really like that it's like you wake up you hang out with your people you're hustling like what what what are you good at do you know how to draw do you know how to oh kevin christy kevin christy was just here he knows how to fucking draw yeah he would have drawn he would have talked about what he would have done in prison he said i would draw pictures of like naked chicks straight up or yeah or like some people could draw your mom or your dad all things that's no shit yeah well you could tell jokes so yeah what did they have is that like your

talent like you guys ready for this yeah one of the fucking guards a homey i'm by ontario improv those a dog you're that full george prez huh oh i'm like what are you talking about he goes yeah home i used to watch you do comedy at the ontario improv one of the guards one of the guards but and since i'm in a i'm oh fuck so i'm doing half time right so they put me in the program called sap sus substance abuse program and in this program i'm with all these fucking lame ass druggies and shit yeah and it's for a half time so uh my counselor sees me and she's like you know what there's a mistake you have a violent crime you can't do half time half time no violent crime is 80 percent how far into your sentence yeah how much time have you

served i fast forwarded this is two this is uh a year and a half like so you're like i'm about to get out i'm about to get out of here no god damn it yeah that's gotta be the most crushing thing to hear and i've had a lot of other crushing shit but i mean when you're like i'm about to get out here and they're like oh no just like and like nonchalant like hey uh don't give your stuff away you're gonna do yeah yeah oh oh fuck that was wild wait but what was your job my job was wild my first job was uh yo i was on the yard crew yard crew is uh i check out equipment to everybody that's in prison what kind of equipment like uh basketball okay uh sandbags to work out because we you would put sand in like uh you see this pant leg yeah you'd cut it

sew the bottom put sand in and then put a hole here and those are your weights curls wow and uh because you can't have the weights oh hell no they when the weights were in people were getting killed like right and right and left imagine yeah working out and then someone just drops a 45 on your head of course yeah of course that's what they did in the american league then he's going right you see that of course oh you're my hero now they go have dinner after that right he's like papp killed that dude yeah hell yeah it's prize i it's like a fucking celebration yeah that's a party i'd go to so i'm in this substance abuse program and the warden calls me and goes hey man i got sacramental coming down here and i need to show them rehabilitated inmates

and if you it's weird i dress better in prison than i did now and wait this is the warden telling us the warden comes to the program he goes i heard you're a comedian i said yeah i am sir you know i'm trying to get the fuck out for sure he goes well uh you want to put on a show why don't i go am i a lot of cuss he goes no no no racism no cussing all right cool it's weird man i haven't been in front of a mic probably a year and a half yeah like like i'm not worried about being funny tom yeah i'm worried about how am i going to say something that's going to give me stabbed am i right fuck sorry you're you're running it through your head the whole time yeah and and this is

the fucked up part it's like fuck full if you show them how funny you are now everyone's gonna want to talk to you they're gonna want to fuck with you too funny guy yeah oh that happened to me now and uh fuck it though you know how those demons are i'm gonna fucking kill this bitch i murdered dude murdered because they they they haven't seen that they haven't seen comedy yeah of course these are gangsters druggies and yeah dude i said this on rogan man it was cool he was just like hey man you can take the rest of that kentucky fried chicken and that two liter dr pepper back to your pad and i remember going back to my jail cell with that shit and everybody like what the fuck and i gave it to all i gave it to everybody we ate

so do they do you tell them why at the time or do you still hold on to that no i told them no okay gotta remember i'm i'm in the hotel there's three other there's three other yards to this prison i'm in the drug program right so now that that we find out i'm not supposed to be in this program they send me to the three side oh god and i'm loving it i'm cool you are okay i mean dude i could i'm loving this shit i don't want to be with druggies i want to be with gang members yeah because where does that sound no no i actually think it makes sense because yeah you're not a drug addict they're not your crew no they're like they're on fucking pills man that's like that's the fucking for dude i remember snorting sarah quill what was that sarah quill it's uh

i've never even heard of that it's uh i guess suicide thoughts or like if you hear people speaking in your head you take this drug whoa dude yeah like for schizophrenics yes that's crazy yeah and i remember we were sniffing it because we were bored as fuck yeah of course i'd fucking sniff it too yeah for real so now how how many people come to this yeah are invited to the whole program was there the whole program like sacramental was there like the people that like evaluate oh you know this prison oh right is doing a great job and they're like oh my god he came in a gangster that was a comedian you guys brought him back to being a comedian hilarious and i took it i didn't give a fuck of course you know you know i asked i asked for brand new pants i went home

and can i get new pants a new shirt i want to look fresh in here and they're like yeah hell yeah dude i made the warden look fucking bomb yeah now i'm over here i'm with real gang members and some of these folks i know from the streets and they're like what's up i heard you were here oh shit even my home i feel from my gang is in there oh really yeah like i remember going a yard and that was the first time i heard my name i heard hey george and i turned around what the fuck oh what's up evans and the guards are all mexican it was cool all the guards are mexican and uh they were like hey homie we know who you are and uh would you do a show for us for the guards yeah and i'm like what do you mean dude i go i can't you know what i mean and i was just like and i

you know because you had to ask for permission so i bought the guy with me and he goes hey dog hey dog why don't you ask these fools if you can just do all the dorms that way everybody all the inmates get to see you do comment oh son hey hey you know i'm not i'm not gonna go up there or fucking bite in the bullet i formed a crew i got me a feature and i gotta open the show man i go look dog check this out and and the fee to get in my show was one item so fools will put like a cup of noodle rice beans that was my hustle dude yeah yeah yeah it was my commissary yeah i did nine shows in prison nine fucking oh my yeah yeah it was crazy how so you trained a couple guys to like kick things off one of them like like you know when you meet someone you're like dude you're

fucking funny yeah yeah you just don't know cadence you don't know you set up tag you don't know none of that so i helped them with their shit shut up yeah this one fool was fucking he was Rico he was a fucking big old tweaker he got locked up because uh you know what uh i guess there's like a base around here low solid needles base okay and he would he would jump into like the water and steal like muscle and sell it like he was a druggy so he would steal koi fishes from mansions he was smooth well those things are expensive koi fish are like a thousand dollars you know you know when you meet a smart druggy he was that fool but he was fucked and he had this one

joke that killed me he had fucked the teeth he was like yeah i used to call girls on the party lining i would tell them i'm chisel it just killed me he did it better but uh yeah man i did uh how would you how would you open like your prison show you know what i mean like when you got up there dude this fool brought me up the smoothest he was like you can see him on show time shit you can see him on the yard now yeah no i mean i would just fucking i would come out i mean it was look Mexican people don't get disrespected by this all right but it's fucking easy to do a Mexican show because there's not that many Mexican comedians right you know what i'm saying by that like so i would just go up there and boom i know i know what to do and then i'd give him the the

the smart part of that yeah but uh how long would you do a set for 40 30 no i mean and you hadn't done it for a minute yeah but you know i was writing oh so you were still thinking yeah i was thinking but it was dumb shit dumb yeah yeah yeah well but we also had to make it for like the world you're in so when you're capping on like the food you know you're talking shit about like the you can't talk to about the co's right no yeah but i did it it was more like not i was oh i mean yeah that's a great question like what were you talking about like yo it's thursday we're gonna shower today mother yeah well you shower every day i don't know mandatory mandatory two times to shut two times really hell yeah two times i would get up at five in the morning and then shower and then

i was a i was a butcher i was a i was this is my second job i'm the i'm the lead man in the butcher shop and uh you got that it was cool man christina they gave me a blue jumpsuit like a mechanic so i didn't feel like in me i had fireman boots thermal under beanie black gloves big-ass dickies jacket yeah and you have to wash your clothes so there's no washers so after you work you wash your clothes in the shower with soap oh my god and you take it off and you hang it up every day you had to wash your clothes by hand after work no shit yeah jeez christ okay walk me through your day so it's five thirty six a.m five thirty well it's at four thirty of the guard will walk by and be like Perez wake up you gotta go to work i know you i know your routine go ahead jump in the shower

because you're not allowed to be in the showers at those times so what do you mean so you to shower well now i'm in a dormitory so there's showers and restrooms you could use a restroom but the showers ain't allowed to turn on unless it's for a worker okay because people will go in there and shit happens right what kind of shit like fucking stabbing oh stabbing drug eat drugs and the cops the cops are like baby overpaid babysitters they're more like look you're not going to get in trouble if you're fucking in your bunk so stay in your bunk that's all they want you know yeah and uh so i get boom my homeboy pee we he worked with me what's up pee we i know you're not listening but what's up he was he was the guy that got me the job actually saw i love this guy

we still talk to this day too he got out and uh we would go to work so now the guard you leave your building and you're walking down the hallway and you have an identification card and on the back of it it tells the other guards your duties he's a lot to be at this time he's allowed to go to this because i had to leave my yard to go to another yard to go to the kitchen and it's everyone that works early is going but when you're in the butcher shop i had to cut enough meat for every inmate in all the prisons so you know i know my math i'm smart bro i graduated high school i'm with the junior college for one year you know i mean i'm one one semester i didn't say one year one semester one quarter whatever the shit it may be a couple

months and i was the shit at that like when we would steal i wouldn't steal i would put it like look we sent this there but it never got there we took it yeah so yeah so okay i'm sorry i'm trying to jump in the head jump crazy so now you have to go through a checkpoint the guard search you go into the kitchen and then you meet up with all your co-workers and that's the best you know why i'm surrounded by eggs oh i wouldn't make bomb breakfast we would have french toast scrambled eggs how often every morning every morning yeah i'm in charge of the food that's the shit yeah and the guards the guards the guards were like this fuck is doing comedy for the whole prison so you are like an entertainer they liked you yeah get your privilege sorry what were you gonna

say no no no i was along the same lines it's like so the guards were cool with you having this great feast every morning no they didn't know because they didn't know the the guards ain't in charge of you no more there's this thing called free staff as they hire people that are in charge of like these people have worked at juveniles and now they want to make more money so they go get a job at a prison like you got a dentist in a prison that's free staff you have uh you know what's that shit called psychiatrists counselors those are all free staff people that are making like do you want to be a cook for 18 bucks or be a 45 dollar an hour cook in prison oh wow jesus because wow there's a risk i might stab you right all right sure yeah yeah that is the

job has him jesus christ are there any female employees like what oh yeah like ladies that look like me hell yeah and we target you of course you fucking target me so what's up with sex yeah let's get to the real stuff wouldn't you miss being around you know women so much or does it part of your mind just adapt right to the you know i'm glad oh fuck i've never been a pervert to that point of view but like there's a price to pay for that like if you get if you get caught jacking off it's kind of like disrespectful to somebody so i wasn't even more like really i remember one time i jacked off once taking a shit mm-hmm because i was just like fuck i'm taking it i remember free staff free staff was like who who used that restroom you have to hurt me cut me her restroom

i was just a full tissue and then i came back out i had a bomb one but i don't know like i would smell women and that would fuck me up yeah yeah yeah the smell of perfume so where do you draw on the toilet do you do no sitting down so you just look you look like you're shitting it's a huge okay that's your regular spot though now that's not i mean every like okay so like say this is a bunk all right yeah right here you have a curtain right here oh okay so you and you just shut your curtain okay good tap your bunkie on top ain't homie keep point here's a little here's a little cinnamon roll for you dog let me get mine really yeah and that was that was that you like to either to to get out or just chill no it was just like yo dog i'm gonna bust a nut

keep point for me okay keep point meaning watch out yeah the point is like see so what do they expect you guys to never jerk off yeah but it's for other inmates for other races like you don't want to start a war with the whites because you're looking at this white dude jacking off right or the black guy you know what i mean you don't want to start a war so it's a dog cover yourself go handle it it's weird plus you don't want to be caught by your enemy jacking off a keep point for me dog yeah something happens let me know yeah yeah oh wow so now wait a minute you would target me so let's say i'm working at oh hell yeah what am i doing at the what am i what's my job at the prison let's just let's just say you're a dentist okay and you have to have inmates

work for you now oh fuck because your x-rays we got to go to your paperwork so you know it starts off like good morning hi and then you're bored you're there 12 hours a day i'm writing you love letters every fuck not i'm not turt tom no no no i understand i'm saying like are you giving them hell yeah so you're leaving work and you're like oh my god look you gotta remember i'm fucking ripped i don't eat sugar i don't eat salt i work out every day at the meat you're got the prime meat you're eating your breakfast your eggs you're like a fucking gorilla yeah i was ripped when i got out i wish i had that body uh prison body so wait and then if you if you connect with like the female stuff well that's the whole hustle that's the hustle yeah so i'm gonna convince you

you know what home girl yeah i love you man and yeah when i get out of here we're gonna get married what right now there's no cigarettes here and they really don't trip on you so if you can sure just bring like a bring like are you down to bring a bucker's pack a what do you have a mailing address i'm gonna show you i'm gonna show you how strong i am christina okay boom money order goes out damn thousand bucks at the crib show bring that and dude that's but i mean are you also trying to fuck i'm talking about fucking like a fucker hey this is i've never seen it but i've heard of it i almost there was a seal that wanted to fuck me really yeah i i i know this shit for real and uh it happens usually it it happens everywhere but it usually happens on the

like the higher yards where it's just like you're bored you don't have a husband right and all this male attention ass motherfucker right in your poem yeah you've never been fucked like that before right i'm doing a thousand burpees a day right homie chola romantic you guys are all about the ladies singing you moracy drawing you just fucking smashing yeah yeah no let me ask you this you gotta start going to prison no but there's a consequence of this because if you get caught oh i'm going to prison no you're not losing my license at least this motherfucker raped me he's all right fuck now you're fucked the guy is yeah yeah there was when i was there when i when i left because i still kept in contact with some of the guys i was locked up with they were like hey remember

that chick i was trying to bone you she was boning another in me and it's it it happens with guards too yeah it happens with everybody counselors it's just it's the isolated world too you know yeah it's like an opera yeah yeah now i'm gonna ask you what about butt sex oh i'm not saying you do it i'm saying have you heard everybody the stereotype is that rape is the big fear every guy i know that fear of going to prison i'm going to get raped i'm going to get raped i'm going to get raped so how true is that you're only gonna get raped if you're a bitch you're you're not gonna get raped because it's not allowed it's it's uh it's fucking more frowned upon than anything really day activity in prison

is like yo homie you're done like they're gonna kill you like there was a guy going home this happened in another another dorm next to mine three months got his dick so another man convinced him to let him suck his dick and somebody seen it it was three in the morning in the fucking showers i remember being on yard this day chilling you know uh if it's baseball season they check out baseball bats if it's football season they check out football's baseball season that they were having a tournament the guys had their bats and balls and they killed this motherfucker the one who damn god is both of them but your own race has to handle it they killed them killed them fuck yeah and i was just like it's it's not to be played so that's just that's kind of a myth real

yeah i mean that's well i mean that you're gonna get a mix it's kind of like remember what i said that's what our races do got you our races don't play that shit i don't know what those other races are playing i'm sorry you're us too and i'm so excited i get to be in part part of your crew wait listen let me ask you something about loyalty real quick oh for god's sake i love you guys let's ask George yeah i have a feeling i know how this is gonna go so no you don't i'm gonna i'm gonna pitch you a hypothetical scenario and you tell me your opinion on it okay all right so i'm obviously married to this lady here for uh 10 years together 15 total right and in this scenario what i tell her is i like my iced coffee a certain way okay and a lot of

times i go and it's not made to my satisfaction it's frustrating so i've learned to order it a certain way i make a certain amount you know to figure to get it the way i like it so what i was telling her was like what if in this hypothetical scenario one day i kept going the same coffee place i always go and i felt like this person was purposely disrespecting the way i want my coffee no wait a minute you've added that detail they they were purposely disrespecting you well this is an added detail okay they're making it incredible they're not targeting you they're just not doing it your coffee no yeah yeah no they were not like fuck your coffee it was it just in the barista no no it was like my bad i didn't mean to make it like that okay okay i've told you five fucking times how

i like it so this time what happens is this person's shift ends and i just happen to be waiting in like the bushes look at him light up oh my god when they walk back to their car like a christmas i just i grab my pull him into the bushes i smash his head against the pavement i stomp on his neck and i break his neck to make sure it's broken and i put him in the trunk of my car and i go home she's out she's you know doing chick shit get her nails done or something she comes home and she's like what's up i go i gotta tell you something all right had a little i had a oopsie this morning uh i was going to get coffee you know that fucking idiot he never makes it right i killed him he's in the trunk now does your loyal spouse of 10 years with two small children

then save you all right we need to figure out how we're going to deal with the situation or here's scenario number two call the cops huh well he's thinking about it well he's a thoughtful guy he's hesitating well i'm only to the point is is if i'm christine i'm like does this fool beat me does he take my money does it let me spend no he's but if he's good to me if he's only being addicted to fools that make coffee yeah yeah i'm fucking backing my boy up thank you very much yeah the voice of reason has spoken george i hear what you're saying is he a good man maybe only only because you're the father of the children yeah you're doing it for the kids now but like

at the end of the day you know what fucker you're not drinking coffee no more we're only doing this shit once right no more coffee for you yeah yeah i didn't think about that that's some shit you really trip on motherfuckers for coffee like that yes do you tip them yeah oh then i would trip if you tip you got a trip yeah i tip well too yeah i tip well yeah i i i i get it from the strip club and it and it works if you tip but if they if they if i tip good and you're taking forever i don't like that shit it it is you're good you're good i got your back now thanks man all right but let's say he's never he's never exhibited this psycho behavior before i tell you what's wild about her in the scenario she's so calm well no she she'll fucking well

when i picture the scenario she's like yeah no i call the cops and i immediately immediately i go wait why george she goes what if you decide to kill me and the kids and i'm like what you know why that's he wouldn't though because he told you how do you oh interesting because he confessed to me here's my concern he's a normal guy otherwise one day because his coffee isn't made right he snaps and he kills a guy that leads me to believe there's a screw loose he's snorting sarana center or you could look at it like fuck this homie's crazy he's never yelled or hit me right i fuck up all the time he fucking loves me he's tripping on fools that make coffee killing him and i'm over here not doing shit yeah and he's also like how how cool is it your husband's so

passionate about something get the fuck out of here but you know real psychos and that's a real psycho move to kill a man because he didn't make your coffee right that's kind of like a i don't know i mean i keep telling the guy how many times i gotta tell him straight up i mean yeah like extra ice bitch like put it in there but here's the problem what if i help him get rid of the body you can't you can't that's when you just gotta be like yo homie i'll see you at the next city that's it wait what see him in the next city meaning he gets rid of the body i take the kids we go yeah the thing is is now the number one priority is kids yeah that's what i know look tom i'm jamming with the kids right you clean this shit up yes and we'll see you with some no coffee get a spray

so here's the deal i wouldn't help him bury the body i wouldn't help him get rid of the body you can't because now you fuck it up someone needs to be there if he gets locked up that's what that was my thinking yeah seriously with calling the cop like i'm not a fan of calling the cops and sorry but i did want to be there to raise the kids because if we both get locked up who's going to take care of these kids so that's why i was like i'm not going to help him because then i'm going to get put away yeah that's what i'm thinking i'm never even called the cops for help yeah i wouldn't yeah you guys you call the cops before on time never oh okay no never yeah that's fucked up shit no never i used to date a cop when i got out of prison now what what oh wait wait so how

did you get your sentence fucked we didn't even yeah we did we took it because the the fucking oh yeah the street was like oh you're in the wrong program oh that's right i thought something else had happened i wanted to ask you oh that's terrible what's it like it's you've been locked up total of three years yeah like to be with a woman oh my god after three years i was normal dog really but i mean that's such a only because like so check this out i hey man like how can i say this like i'm shotgun doggie that's really shit happened so in prison i i made my contacts outside i said look i don't want nothing everybody get a hundred bucks i mean i'm gonna throw it out there all right russell fucking peters buys me a cell phone when i'm in prison what yeah because he goes

edwin said he asked about me he's like what's happened to george and ed was like oh dude he's locked up russell i love you brother he didn't know he was buying me a cell phone but he gave him money right and edwin goes what do you want to say i want to sell for him bro i want to talk to my kids i want to talk to my wife and i love russell peters he's awesome yeah he's awesome he's always been sweet to us yeah he's a great guy so you know that's really great yeah so i know i got sex talk on the phone okay okay okay well that's good yeah so who's who are you busting nuts in the first time you get out like who's your is it my girlfriend the baby's mom my baby's mom and then you date a cop that's crazy this is the crazy shit there's nobody wants to book me no more and i get out

of prison what i would have booked you first i feel like this guy's got some shit to talk about no but they're like i i wasn't at the store i wasn't nowhere i was doing the little latin community and improv and like latin shows i didn't know that much i've only been at the store for four or five years now yeah i was doing other shit so like i fucking hit up my texas connects and i and you don't remember this i'm on parole that's right i'm sorry about that no one's gonna i can't feel my family i gotta i gotta risk it so i go to fucking mcallon texas are you gonna remember like i'm smart and i'm saying this to be modest or hubris i'm smart because i'm not gonna get locked up so i'm fucking dressed like a square like fucking skinny jeans

fucking op shirt like i look like a square and there is this cop in the crowd and she was just like i didn't know if i wanted to arrest you or fuck you and i was like what the fuck what's going on i was nervous so uh i get her number and i'm there for four days and the next day after the show she's like hey man you want to meet me at iHOP i'm delicious yeah i don't get off stage till one o'clock in the morning at this point do you know she's a cop or no yeah okay i thought i was gonna all right but i thought she was like dispatch yeah yeah you know she doesn't know i'm on parole she doesn't know i'm none of that shit so uh she latina of course that's all there is in mcallon okay i don't know i fucking show up all gangstered out to the iHOP and she's

in her full uniform and everyone's looking at me like i'm a snitch though it was fucking weird because we had our own house yeah oh no that was crazy though we fucked like i did four more shows out there that came back then i dated this other cop she was ex she was divorced from a cop and stopped being a cop it was fucking crazy that's funny it's gotta be like a fantasy fulfillment for these uh no it's i'm telling you i'm like a cop to them i'm a clean cup fool yeah i'm kind of direct i have a program i run and that's that's just the shit that and but i'm different i'm not a cornball like that for i smoke weed yeah i drink yeah you're fun you know you're a good time and you're a clever you're funny yeah i hang out with fools that kill motherfuckers that fuck up the coffee

you know i'm okay what's up dude okay yeah would you guys role play would she be like stop no she was she was like beat up by that cop it was weird like it was that was the first time i was kind of like i want to fuck this full up but i really can't because he's a cop i guess he would handcuff her like he would get mad at her and handcuff her and just leave for like what hours yeah oh Jesus she was fucked in the head it's not her fault it's it's what it was but like yeah he was fucked in the head too fuck man that's a i haven't talked about that shit in forever now may i ask you um a question off topic but it's whatever you like question yes we asked danie brown when he was here what his favorite snack was in jail and uh he would make prison burritos which was slim gyms dorito chips

chopped up and then you roll them yeah and then you heat them up and the cheese would kind of melt oh and a cheese stick too what was your go to uh prison meal your jam man that's your friend was poor if you yeah he was in jail he would access to good food he was in jail though yeah he was in jail yeah the we we dude we fucking made tamales one time damn yeah dog we got all everybody pitched in like 45 dorito bags we put a little bit of water and we grinded it out it's always it always starts with doritos yeah we grinded a mountain that's the masa and then we i brought all the roast beef we put it we put it in a five gallon bucket with the stinger warmed up boiled and then we got all the spices marinated that shit it's fucking ingenious they come up with oh dude what

about like white lightning did you ever make some crazy we made pruno but white lightning it's too scary because there was people that went blind from that i know you've seen that on documentaries yeah make you want to fight somebody yeah yeah white lightning no fucking round but we had pruno and yeah pruno but when you get caught with pruno that's three more months they add to your sense no it's not worth it yeah but you had to get fucked up right like how'd you get how'd you get fucking gone on pruno i almost shit myself because my stomach hasn't never had nothing like that go through it i remember i almost shitty myself really how do you make a pruno you okay so i'm gonna show you the real way to make pruno okay all right say this is a container of nuts

you get the bottom part you cut it out and you poke little holes in it like kind of like uh how about it not holes but like a triangle so it has teeth you know what i'm trying to get at now yes like when you use a can opener exactly yeah so now you get fruit and you use that to grind the fruit and you're grinding this fruit in a pillowcase all right because you want to strain it all just to be that's going to be your alcohol so you get all the fruit boom you you squash it you get all the juice out of it and then your uh color the stinger as well like the the center of it like the all the fruit you have together after you squeeze it you put it back in the five-gallon thing and you put sugar in it and then the sugar burns it

you like you got to let it we call it burping but what would be the correct way like fermentation ferment yeah we call it burping don't forget to burp it so you you put like a straw and then ferment out the window because we have windows you know little windows and you let it cook for like four or five days six if you're a g yeah because you're gonna get caught with this shit because they always search us they're always on us so like say we're in prison you would have it one night you would have it one night i would have it one night everyone moves in around yeah i guess yeah we're all fucking helping each other out smart and you put it in a coffee container and sell it for 15 20 bucks each damn or you fucking just drink it and you're done but it's not

allowed no more because you fight it gives you courage you never even thought you had fucked that right now you don't want that yeah what about like weed though do you have access to weed in there everything you get everything you need everything and you trade what commissary or you put money in the guy's yeah whatever any everything's currency like if you want to a homie i'm gonna draw you a painting let me get three manuals let me let me get it let me get a dime all right yeah i used to smoke a lot of weed in there really i would i had access but where would you go to actually light up how do you smell dude i fucking i got a lighter and okay so every locker has a lock you know remember the old masters is that what it's called master lock yeah you know the

back has a key you put the weed right there you light it and then where the thing goes in you suck this or or you can just get a bible cut a page roll yeah bible pages yeah or apple parents yeah now what are you making knives out of oh shit everything toothbrush no that's too easy it'll snap really yeah right my favorite knife was uh old speed stick and then uh i would uh your bunk is solid rock because it's all concrete yeah and when it gets real hot it would take me like five hours to make it i would just roll it roll roll let the speed stick the deodorant or the container the container i would cut it and one and just roll it get hot it'd get hot finally it would just be this fucking long sharp one hitter quitter that's it

not even a guy from starbucks is coming back those ain't no fucking jokes right there really yeah that's smart see you guys are so creative and inventive yeah you're gonna be it's it's it's what we are as humans and survivors like tom you would make it in there dog yeah you would you would make it you would fucking loco come back with like big-ass portrait of kristina yeah you adapt it's fucking that's fascinating though right yeah it's kind of like that's the war parallel the parallel is that you adapt to a situation that's basically not normal right yes and but you you find a way to make it through that as long as you

mind your own business and you're clean you're gonna make it unless there's just a guy in there that's most of them are up to no good with nothing else to do but to be bad because they're not going home did you ever have that thing you you referenced earlier you said like sometimes you feel like you know i gotta just like hey walk up to someone and be like hey do we like i just want to make sure you know i live here with you we have a there's no problem yeah do you ever have that conversation and someone's like no i do have a problem with you yeah they really yeah and then then that's basically saying like so one of us is going to have to do something about it no after he said he had a problem i has react immediately oh right then and there yeah exactly it had to go

down so that leads to just smash right what is see i hate you but you're my people so i'm just gonna kick your ass mm-hmm hey homie get up tomorrow you have to get out of here if you don't get out here tomorrow we're gonna fight every fucking day until you get out of here where's that guy gonna go roll it up it's a bitch move hey i'm rolling it up i'm going to the cell whoa yeah but he told like he basically asked for it right i mean saying yeah i mean it's kind of like or or like say you're Mexican tom and me and you're in there and we're not cellies and we have a problem i would be like all right homie after lunch get your strap that means knife everything a strap is like a gun get your strap i'll meet you in the shower homie all right

cool because we still respect each other and we would just stab each other to whoever died first wow no damn i want to do that with a couple guys here with the act right in there yeah dude on the right and and it's crazy too because i got called out to fight a couple i remember one you know there's a song by dj quick he goes you're not a killer use a comedian and this fool said that to me he's not a killer homie use a comedian and i was like hey homie meet me in the restroom he's like for what i said we need to get down though you disrespected me he goes i was just saying that to be funny i was like yeah dog but we're not at a comedy show like let's go and i remember he was like what do you want to do i said i'm down to

fight homie if you want to get a strap i'll get my strap he's like no no no no no no i won't do hands up and i remember just beating his ass got him up gave him a hug i said all right we're good now we're good and that's how it goes that was it that's it that's how men do it yeah you know not that women don't do it like that but like that's how we do it and it's and one of the guys that beat up we still fucking talk because of the the internet seriously a lot of these fools are out of prison now and they're hitting me up it's fucking crazy i want to get them on my podcast it's fucking dope wait let me ask you so are you allowed to have internet in prison because no way but then how are these people meeting because we watch this show um love after lock up and it's these people

that meet their fiancés on the outside and that's like an online inmate hookups or yes so like how the fuck are they there's there used to be this thing called remember when my space was round yeah there's something called moral space it's where like if we're in prison i'll take a picture of me on my shirt off send it and then girls that want to have that life of to give fucked hardest fuck for it for real that's how it is that's how i tell people look if you want to it's for real if you want to get fucked the shit out of mentally and physically marrying inmate yeah right you know that's what they do sense you're right because remember the girl with the guy with missing two yeah that was her big thing she was so hot for him and they got out and they

fucked in like a ravine on the side of the road and she was so in him sexually the chemistry and excitement of this guy and then it went down and then of course they don't you know he can't live on the outside he had a trouble adapting he saw a car like on day three yeah he was yeah he wasn't ready some people just don't i mean honestly i wouldn't have been ready either if i didn't have this comedy career and all this stuff to fall back on yeah yeah it's kind of hard you know i'm not backing them up but it's just kind of like yeah no this is fascinating stuff wait so tell like so what's what's your pocket where people listen to you more uh george parez stories george parez stories yeah that's my podcast you guys got a rate review subscribe

please download that shit right now i've had fools that i've been locked up with oh man oh i would love to hear these and it's no comedy talk it's just like a dog oh i want to hear stories george parez stories um and you're also you're getting up a bunch you're doing shows everywhere yeah i'm in houston improv the 21st that's thursday right yeah yeah oh this is coming out yeah a little trip it's all good it's all good no yeah but i mean uh can they find it on your site or on your twitter yeah you know what if anybody wants to fuck with me you want to fuck with the real cholo yeah uh george p comedy that's all my shit george p comedy i'm scared to have all those websites and shit like that no that's cool yeah i'm weird but yeah i mean i got a lot

of shit coming up i just i came here to fucking talk with you guys and shit this was great this is amazing yeah it's crazy we didn't even scratch the fucking surface bro do you know that we have been doing this right now for over almost two hours no way yeah wow i could listen to you we're on day two yeah oh don't say that i could listen to this shit forever yeah we have two kids to go home to but otherwise that's awesome how about your kids one is three and one is eight months old oh shit babies babies we did we did the reverse order of you yeah we waited no it's cool you got adult children children right no it's cool bro because i'm 42 yeah my son my other son turns 21 next year i'm 43 and i'll be in vegas with both my kids in their 20s that's pretty wild that's awesome

yeah well i'm going to listen to your podcast i want to hear more conversations and i want to know more about you you're fascinating you're so funny and oh thanks for coming thanks you guys are i was kind of nervous at first but i was like you guys are cool chill of course not yeah um yeah dude thank you for coming we should do this again we should do this again i'm down dude like we have this was way more we will uh we'll mark where we left off and then we'll we'll keep going yeah i should be the one running the script more organized i like that Tom you are a serial killer yeah man yo um thanks for having my back on that double homicide too i appreciate it oh for sure and hopefully you can talk some sense into my old lady you know all right um and also i have i have put it on mine

i got it so i want to give a shout out to young patreon and obi one cannoli for making an original song it's one of the you know people make songs for our show all the time they sent this one in and honestly the production the lyrics they use all the you won't know most of the references because their references from like videos that we've played okay but like these guys just knocked it out of the park so i just got to give a big shout out to young patreon and obi one cannoli for their original cool guys club collaboration here it is we'll see you next week thank you george press thank you kevin christy thank you and we'll see you guys next week call me super size are you bathing are you staying clean are you my girl do you really love me

unleash i know you really want to kiss but i'll fart in your face because you smell like piss truck barry don't confuse with cool terry wait cool god terry put a plug in his ass double let it fuck sleep got him coming fast virginity is cool come on come on virginity is cool he's got it he's got it he's cool what up what up virginity is cool he got it he got it mind you say sweet the expiration date lied to me fuck you bitch or call me back ain't no slut too busy for that us Got a hold of love What a cool guy I love

Stand back, momma, coming at you fast Shit in your mouth, split it back into wraps Red band, grossest thing I ever heard Eating booty, poolside, mouth full of turd Oh yeah, he ain't lucky like that Remind you one time, fuckin' bird is fast Spent $30,000 on his tattoos He ain't supposed to be from the back of shops at Whole Foods

wearing 30 bills but he looks 210 Amazon package on his porch again Name's Hot Rock Nick, got a 12 inch dick You should try it out if you can handle it Let's cat-break Scooty-lip-fly, po-po-p patter-lip-lip-lip-lip-lip-lip Scooty-lip-fly, po-po-p, stop, stop, stop Scooty-lip-fly, po-po-p, just kiss it, kiss it, po-cats

Kiss his head, shimmo, everybody, motherfucker Got a hold out of love Got a hold out of love Got a hold out of love Got a hold out of love With a cool guy club Got a hold out of love For the cool guy club

Got a hold out of love With a cool guy club Got a hold out of love For the cool guy club