Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 494-Joey Diaz-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 10, 2019

What can we say? The DOCTA is in! All time favorite of the show, the one and only Joey "Coco" Diaz AKA Mad Flavors World is down to spit game like no one else. Honestly, we're in the room but we're just along for the ride. No one has stories or can get away with more than our Uncle Joey.  Pull your jeans up and get ready to laugh your nuts off. Every Joey appearance is an instant classic. 

This is it. Here we go. We're finally here. I can finally do it Jean. Okay, the second half Yeah, I like this I have been wanting to announce these dates To take it down world tour. Oh shit. Hold me Turn it down turn it down and headphones Tommy's turn that shit down and headphones dude I'm so stoked. All right. It's finally here people have been asking me about different cities and now I can tell you okay I can tell you go ahead homie. I am coming to a bunch of cities All the cities I've been asked about I'm coming dog. Minneapolis. Whoa La whoa homie Denver. Okay Toronto. Okay, Vancouver

Miami Austin Phoenix Miami homie the UK. I'm coming to London town I'm coming. I'm coming. You gotta practice your accent. I'm coming to Europe. I'm doing European dates. Can you announce those? There's a whole bunch of them. I don't go into my motherland. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can you say that? I don't want to I don't want to take I want to make sure you go to the site. Okay. Go to Tom Segura dot-com Slash tour now here is the thing that happens when you listen to this podcast right now the

The general on sale starts Friday the 12th. Okay, and this is you're listening or watching right now If you're listening on the 9th if you're watching on the 10th and the 11th the on so hasn't started you can use my code Oh champ. Okay, C. H. A. M. P. Champ and that will unlock the the tickets so you can actually Get tickets before the rest of the public does. Thank you everybody who signed up on the email list. You got that email yesterday That's it man the tickets did this the tour continues It's gonna be all over North America all over Canada Europe and there's even going to be

Another announcement in a few months about another one other market. You are just tearing up the world this year I know it's pretty crazy. I'm so excited. I'm excited for this European leg I'm super excited to do European leg We have so many mommies in the UK that are gonna be so excited me up too So I appreciate everybody a lot of you guys been hitting me up about UK for a long time So I'm very excited young Tom Segura young Tom Tom Segura comm slash tour use the code word champ gene Silly Personality champ. That's me water champ. That's me. All right

I would like to thank everybody who came out to a mini Apple tits the Acme comedy club What a great weekend that was So the rider died tour rolls right along May 10th and 11th now I will be in Tempe, Arizona at the Tempe improv May 31st through June 1st sperm bank here at the Flappers comedy club June 20th. I want to actually what for someone flappers comedy club I am not I don't speak your language. Oh, yeah new listeners in Burbank. Sorry You're right. You're right. Yeah, that's Burbank, California at the flappers comedy This takes fucking out of her mind

June 20th through 22nd Washington Dick come Washington DC at the DC improv tickets are at Christina P on line also If you're new to me, you knew to the podcast check out my Netflix specials I have an hour called mother inferior under the Christina P is my name there and The degenerates half hour when I was eight months pregnant with our second child and I told filthy cum dick jokes I'm a month pregnant. All right. That's nice T-shirts for the rider died tour available Tom Segura's merch paid Yes, go to merch method comm slash Tom Segura very excited that the

Everybody can be a water champ because we have the water Jug water bottle you have to drink water to be considered a water champ Tom What up now? I've got two for year one merch method comm slash Tom Segura and what I'm very very excited about is I don't know if we have it in the show. Do you have that drew clip for in the show or no? Do you have that video? Yeah, let me pull it out dude. We can just play in a minute We'll just open the show because that's it's too. It's too much fun. I'm loving the water champ bottle I have one at the house. I use it around the house What's great about it is that it doesn't have a tinny taste the way a lot of water bottles often do and I love the top the

Sippy cup the sippy top. I don't know what the fuck those are coming in there, but it's so easy Figure out what that word is a great size Yeah, great to represent the show take it to the to the work to the office. Yeah, take it to the gym Take it to the gym. Take it outside. Take it on a hike Mm-hmm God Put that on your tool belt. That's right All right, should we start the show Jean? Yeah, let's get into this. Let's get into this shows me a great show

Oh my gosh, what is your mom doing? This is Christina in ten years Who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this Christina There's it's British Christina What am I talking about here, I think you're upset you didn't get tickets to the take it down tour Bit master of accents David Bowie. Yeah And there's something about it Let's do something about it. I'm fucking

Yeah, yeah, I was very upset this day. How did you find this one? Someone sent it to me saying that this was Cristina from I wasn't sure but I mean I kind of see I see the reason I kind of do to actually If I'm being honest, yeah, I I don't not see a resemblance, right? Like if I were to gain a good other Those are my old teeth those are teeth I had when I was a kid And then that bulging eyes easy. Yeah easy if you had stayed after your semester or your year at my ear Yeah, yeah, this could have been me. This could be you eating those sandwiches you love curry chicken

I know It's not she doesn't not not look like me. I'm not gonna lie. This would make my dick invert Grow into my body. What are you talking about if this was like what I woke up and saw in the morning? I'd be like babe. Nobody wakes up next to this woman. Someone does. No, that's a celibate man. No, yeah No, you got to maintain bro. She keep going. I don't know. That's it. Thank God God, what is she so upset? She stressed me out. It's possibly about the weather Maybe she's talking about her panties though. No, yeah, she's getting turned on now I'm taught what I am talking about. I am referring to the weather

You know this is so this is you're confirming. This is you. Well, this is when I lived in In Gloucestershire. Mm-hmm and Gloucestershire and it was very very rainy. Mm-hmm every day For months and months. I'm gonna do my whole set with a British accent. Are you? What are you gonna open with? What do you sound like when you do it you sound like like a pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean like Yeah, like a fake pirate like a fake British pirate Like crocodile Dundee, that's not a noise. That is a no, I know the difference between those I know the difference You don't cuz you know, you're doing your British accent like crocodile Dundee. I'm not do it again. Hello, Mike

Yeah, doesn't he sound like that's not a no if that is a no That's great. I'm a London town. I Bet you were invited to London town. I was you didn't just show up to man Yes, too invitation only bitch. Yeah hashtag invitation invitation only We keep a strict code around here. Not just anybody can get on All right, Mike. Oh, it's a bit of a wiffle isn't it a bit of a wiffle is not a fucking phrase Hey Bob's your uncle in British town. Go on go Bob is your uncle So I I went dress shopping cold. Yeah

Yeah, I say yeah, but that's like You know what Like a little put it this way in ox oxford shire. They don't say yeah at the end of sentences It's a little more proper. I heard a lot of Brits say yeah, yeah, but that's more like, you know, Londoner Isn't it cockney in it in it. Isn't it? Yeah, bang is a mash I love it. I could I could live there. I got to be eating. You know what you're gonna love there, bro Real talk English breakfast is kind of a fucking job. I remember. Yeah, I remember bike banks last time

I was on toast and it's so long ago, but I was there with you Peters invited Russell little place called the O2 arena. Can you Can you even believe that you did that? I think about you doing that and we went to Bam Birmingham. Mm-hmm. We did London though, too Mm-hmm, and it was crazy and it was to 10,000 how many people no 16,000 on each show I was shitting my pants for you and and Russell would go up there like anyways I was gonna like no first we did a tune-up his warm-up show unreal was in I guess it was in Birmingham, right? Or was it? Yeah, it wasn't Birmingham. Yeah, we went to Birmingham. He said we do a warm-up show before the arena show

I hadn't even been in an arena and the warm-up show And Birmingham was seven thousand people. Ah, so he was just like he's kind of get you, you know get loose Dipping the toe in See what it's like here. I bombed on that show. I ate shit in Birmingham I don't think I think you're a lot harder on yourself because I remember that show you did not bomb I didn't bomb bomb, but I was like, huh, and he actually we were talking after the show. I was like Yeah, I remember I was like that there wasn't great and they're like that's because This is what even he said he goes those people were off the boat like he's like here

That you did a show tough foreigners legit, but in London it was a little more like art contemporaries Because I remember it was such a unique experience a Russell Peter show because you look down you look at the audience And it it was just a sea of Yes Yeah Like it was my stepdad put it that way my stepdad and his family and it was I I'm never But there was there was a huge the Birmingham show. It was awesome. He was like these people Just got here right and then London it was

Like what you'd expect a mix of everything more assimilated to the culture and your references But the shows went really differently very differently. Well, I mean, I couldn't imagine being I don't even how far along in comedy were you at that point in your career eight years seven Yeah, seven eight and I remember I was shitting nervous for you And watching you up on these huge monitors and I was like, how is he doing this right now? I was just so impressed that you could even Have the the nerve to die. I I couldn't I fucking shit two weeks later. I did the comedy central presents

Isn't that crazy in New York? Yeah. Wow with the full charge, right? Was it full charge? Jay larson. Yeah. Yeah Wow taped our specials very cool. I remember that when when I was in London I was like, man, we're pretty close to broke Oh, yeah, and uh Russell I didn't tell him I was like, man But he um, he had his person wire The payment to us. I was like, oh, we can pay. I remember that. Yeah, he was so generous and kind He flew both of us out put us up in a hotel fed us

Yeah, I mean and his wonderful brother Clayton and his wife And it was just a wonderful trip. It was a wonderful trip I'll always be grateful to Russell Peters because he kept us alive for a few years. Yeah There's a few people right and so many people have that story by the way. Oh, I know Russell. Well, yeah, we'll have a guest kind of I think I don't know if it aired. Yeah, they did right Perez has that he had a great Russell Peter stories. Well very generous and I've met like 10 other guys Who have a story like that? Isn't that sweet? Yeah, a lot of people have Yeah, uh, Russell stories sweet guys sweet family

So we were at the country club, okay them all And um, I've decided as a married person because we've been together for 15 years Um, I'm just gonna start letting you pick out my clothes. Yeah, you know, you introduced that whole concept to me Yeah, I never thought that way. You were like You should pick things and I go why you know because you look at me. Yeah, I don't look at me You look at me and I should just start taking you shopping That's what I'm talking about, huh? I never do that though I do I try to get you to approve things. Yeah, yeah, yeah

But I was so we went I went dress shopping with you and I was like just go pick some stuff that you want to see me in And of course you brought back the shortest lowest cut Hootie stuff My tits were coming out of every dress. I was like, babe, I got these monster tits They don't fit and like cute little girl. That's what I want to see growing ass woman. I know what I want to see Like we're about to shoot a scene Like keep those tits in that dress, but there has to be a compromise and then you're like What what's the scene?

What's your fantasy? I don't know. You're like, oh, does it help you try it on in the dressing room? Sure. Yeah Why didn't we do that? Let's go back to them all right now Yeah, you're backed up You are so nasty What'd I say to you? I was like when I go out tonight, you got to jerk it Yeah, I could see that the phone ringing. Yeah I go I go I'm gonna go out to the comedy store tonight. I can't make sweet marital loves to you tonight

Because I'm working. Yeah, I said when I'm gone. I want you to clean your pipes. Yeah What did you tell me you're gonna do with your pipe sauce? Oh, I said I was gonna jerk off on your pillow So that you when you get back home you lay down and it's just like Ah What are you five then you sit up you're like, what's going on your pillow stuck to your head? Nidav are you listening to that? The pillow slowly just falls off You're like, what is that? I'm like, no, this is not how you talk to your lady

That's how to turn chicks on What chicks that's what chicks like chicks don't like this kind of talk. Yeah, they do listen. I'm damaged goods That's why I tolerate this kind of talk I got trauma childhood issues. No normal woman. No normal woman would put up with this. No No, man No, you got me you got me at a vulnerable point. I was like like a wounded What's the word gazelle? Yeah, snatched me right up before I got into therapy, you know. Yeah. Yeah, I like you I

I love you. I love you I you Anyways, I taught our three-year-old son how to say I need to take a dump and you've not been happy Yeah, I don't think I mean because obviously I think that's funny, but you know, so do I it's good There's context and like then you have our little boy In situations like you know Looking like the animal. I just don't want them to You know to be to say it to somebody

And then they're like, that's really cool that well, listen, I need to take a dump. It isn't dirty It's not it's not little kids Say I gotta make a poo poo. Yeah, but poo poo is dumb. It's boring. I know but these three, man What about brown? Can we compromise? Can I teach him to say I need to make a brown? Yeah, I think that's okay. I mean dump is a little Funnier. It's funnier. It is funnier, but we're not shooting a You know a video it's a point of having two comedian parents if it's not going to be fun for you. All right You know what I mean as long as okay, he's gonna be saying that and people are gonna be like, hey, you know something really

Happened today. It wasn't very nice. Your son announced you had to take a dump He refused to put on his pull-ups the other day at school. I was like a free-balling dude. He was like, yeah, yeah Good for him does what he wants. I like that. I like a little rebelliousness. It's good. Okay a little healthy distrust of authority I gotta take a dump So what he said to me the other day. I was like, excuse me. He's like, I take a dump and I was like, okay I Yeah, and I noticed don't think I didn't notice this morning. I got out of the shower and it was fucking so cold in our room Look how happy you are

And then I checked the thermostat. You had it down to 68 degrees felt good Felt nice. Oh man. By the way, you felt you always fall asleep before me last night I don't know if you do is in the middle of the of your sleep. You kicked your blankets off You know, no, I did. Yes, you did. No way. Yes, you did That's not true. You're just that's propaganda No, it's not propaganda. You kicked it off. And did you turn me on? Yeah, of course And we were hot both of I was like, I'm hot and then I look at you and you're like obviously telling me that you're hot I'm not hot. Yeah, you were hot

You were hot Blue man just put hashtag thermostat gate thermostat gate. Yeah, go ahead and tweet me Let me know what your ideal temp is in springtime. Um, I'm I like a 76 That is where I am and in the winter in the spring. I like it to be 76. Actually all the all times Um, let me know what your ideal temp is ladies. There's no way anyone's like you. No one. Yeah, 76 Man, she had it 78 for a while. She's like feels good. It does feel good. It's normal. It doesn't feel good Look, everyone's shaking their heads. Well blue band. What do you keep your nest at? Like 69, baby

Yeah, what about chris? 72 That's still kind of 72. That's in my lane. I like that. Josh can't weigh in because he's severe. He's disturbed. He's a cockroach And he's like 45 feels nice By the way, did you guys battle it out over who got the uh, the The ball kit the ball maintenance. I mean, we haven't discussed it yet, but I know, uh, you know He has greek jeans in him and I I see his chest here coming out of his shirt sometimes Yeah, oh, okay. Maybe chris wants them too. Oh chris apparently has some hair

This uh, isn't gonna be for the arms. Can we do it? Can we have some type of contest? Where you guys battle it out, you know, oh shit. Yeah, what would be the the parameters? I don't know the ball shaving Yeah, it's a really nice kit. It is a really nice kit from manscape. How about push-ups? Push-up. Oh, he's walking right in Oh, shit Oh my god, joey ds just walked on our set I didn't even know you how'd you sneak in your mom's house will be right back. Yes All right enough business let's get into joey

Right around the pipe Deep in that valley sometimes I get an itch so I got to trim the hair to take the split ends Yeah, I take the split ends out. I just leave like a little bush Just roll and then you're fucking You think it looks good. My balls don't get hair though. I've never seen My balls don't get no hair. I get like a wild strand from time to time Are you hairy on your chest? No, I have no hair and on your butt your kulo. Uh, no, you don't have a hairy butt No, I got from time to time you get that wild hair that grows out and you just pluck it out

I got a forest back. Do you really in your asshole? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. No. I'm not that sometimes I shit hair I'm like what they call lumbino in cuban. What's that? It's called lumbino. You don't have a lot of hair I don't have hairy legs Dude, you know, I did a spanish set a few weeks ago all spanish How'd you how'd it go? It went well. It went well. I had a fun time. There's a market for that I think when I go to miami, I'm gonna add A second show on thursday and just try a spanglish show really. Yeah, just spanglish it up Little you know some cubanisms for them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah because the cuban is very funny

Yeah, it adds a very funny Whatever and all I have to do is go up there and play one of my relatives Yeah, with that broken english and they know it fucking hilarious. Yeah, and miami's great for that You did that spang you did uh, your I think it was your stepfather or your uncle in your this is not happening Right. What happened here? What happened here? Yeah. Yeah. So what happened? What happened? Yeah, and he would try the same with a fucker. Yeah, and he could never that's all he knew That's all he knew and I love the detail of like when uh, what he could say that to you But like if the cops come and he's like no one knows english

You know They played that so well. That is so funny. They played it. That's hilarious. They played it. There's such a tea christy Are you ready for this? Yeah That my mother would come home at night. She'd go listen tomorrow. You can't go to school He goes and we give you a hundred bucks go to deluca with him Deluca was an attorney in the neighborhood a fucking deadly Jew Deadly like if he represented you you got scot off like I know people, you know the sullivan act No, the sullivan act is when you get pulled over with a piece in new york city

You just go straight to jail. You do a year sentence. Oh, right two years A half whatever dog I saw him get people off of that Off of gun charges like oh, wow. Yeah, he had a menu Like when you went to see him and go, okay, sit down. Tom. Nice to see you christy. All right Here's the situation. They caught you with this They got you on the phone I can make the tapes disappear and I can get to the judge that's gonna cost you four hundred thousand

for three hundred thousand The tapes will be admissible But I'll hire an FBI witness to say that they were tampered with You're still gonna do six months for two hundred thousand you do nine months And for a hundred thousand you're gonna do 18 months Give me a call think about it great to see you and it would be like a rate wrote and my mom and step I'll be like or anybody else would be like get easy You know, even though they knew what he was saying, right? They would never let the cat out of the bag

They played they played immigrants because you got to keep that leverage. That's smart. You know, you got to keep your level That's how you get out of jury duty, too. Yeah, it's a hungarian community trick My dad or something once I get the thing Had none but sasangalo check them to the like you just go in and they're like they don't even want to hear it I don't want to fuck this people You know, it's like these poor bastards these poor white bastards in hollywood that are gonna get thrown under the jail Yeah for paying off their fucking kids college. Those two people Those million dollar bills they're gonna get thrown under the jail and the 250 she's gonna get some probation or something

Well, listen, I kidnapped a dude Through him in a trunk of a car and my bill was 50,000. Yeah This place paid a million a million dollar bail a piece And the next day when they went to use their ATM card It was like, it's no good. What are you talking about? No good. I just put a half a million there No, you didn't know you didn't the feds get on that shit over there They don't even fuck around those people are sucking dick right now full house chick She's somewhere stripping the valley right now

That's a half of that's a lot. They they were racketeering. They just seize your assets. Yeah. Yeah, they wait till you come From trial, which and then they just take it right there. It's wild They go to your house the next day with tape recorders crazy that that Jesus it like that they felt so compelled Like that their kid could just go and their kid could have gotten to any college, but they're like, no, my kid's gonna go Guys, I do not want my child involved in any aspect of this area

I am just waiting for a signal to get the fuck out of here, whether it's A little out of Reno. Maybe it's Vegas. Maybe it's Tennessee and it's because of what's happened in the last three years Harvey Weinstein Jesse Smollett You know R. Kelly You got to think of this Michael Jackson documentary. You just saw This thing with these fucking people paying for your kids to go to college. It's a bad environment Just think of this is all the Hollywood machine. Yeah, if you really think of Jesse Smollett, I feel bad for him

Yeah, I feel bad for him because he got sucked into it. Have you ever been on the set and you see people who are getting sucked into it? Yeah, yeah, and then one day you come out of that fog between the business manager the agent This manager your 19 assistants. You're fucking broke Now remember we go on the road because we enjoy it. Yeah, I don't go on the road for money I go on the road because I have a good fucking time When you go on the road for money Yeah, because you need to pay the more Yeah, that's that's it's not that much fun taking pictures with people and hang out with people

Yeah, it's not so The point I was getting to was That's so stupid You looking at me. You look at me. I'm not the most intelligent guy in the world I got into the university of colorado With no high school diploma. Really? Oh, yeah, I just kept telling them I'll send it next week Next week every time they bump into me the counselor. Where's your high school diploma next week? It's coming overnight mail FedEx

Then I went to continuing ed which is an extension of the university of colorado And you go there first for a while and then when you get enough credits you transfer into your group. I got the letter You either got a shit or so don't get off the pot. Yeah, you got to transfer it. This is a true story I went down there. I got the application 35 bucks. I just made up a bunch of fucking Because I had taken classes at colorado mountain college in aspen And all those credits transferred with me. That's not when you lost credit. You didn't lose credits that you know when you transfer now You lose 92 credits. They said fuck you. I was I'm not losing my did I did fucking residential wiring I did all these fucking classes

So they didn't take those credits from me The university came to me Came to my face. I don't give a fuck who goes to jail now and they were like I wasn't thinking tom. Yeah, I used in the application joey ds I wasn't even thinking about it a week later denied

But when I went to one of the classes, I bumped into a guy that was trying to help me And he goes aren't you cuban and I go. Yeah, he goes. What's your real name? I go Jose And the guy looked at me and he goes If you were to re Do your paperwork Staple your birth certificate on there with jose deus

Let's see what happens. Let me put a wording for you So the application wasn't even dry. I dropped it off And by the time I got home at the time I had a pager But I had a home number. Yeah, and they had already left a message. Hi jose Congratulations. You've been accepted to the colorado. Listen to me And I'm snorting coke with three hands I'm about to go to prison like no, no, no not yet. I hadn't kidnapped the guy yet. All right So I'm taking I'm selling cars snorting coke

I'm hanging out in the fucking cu weight room. Yeah with michael pritchard and all the football players They teach me how to tape ankles. I'm lifting weights with them. I'm having like I'm living like a double life I'm selling cars robbing people snorting blow at night eating pussy and then the daytime From like five to nine. I became a fucking faggie student I had my little Shirt on and I go take classes and talk to people. What were you studying? I was studying political science because once they came at me with that program, but it was called the c up College program. Are you ready for this?

All you had to do was maintain a c plus And they kept giving you money I had become joey cash registers because I had a friend that had a book he had a book For all the money they gave Spanish people See this is with all those fucking dumb white people all that was going to the border As soon as little mexican jumps to wall they grab lucky Listen, no program. We're gonna take you to our house. You're gonna marry my stupid white daughter We're gonna have like a fake wedding guadalajara style whatever

I'm gonna give you 10 g set you think about the half milk the half million they paid They could have paid 20,000 30,000 married the daughter and now you're not christina presenski no more You're christina hananda's yeah, and you walk right into fucking just change your last name Think of how fucking stupid how easy how many loopholes they are Did you see the girl yesterday the dumb bits didn't even play fucking soccer? No, did you see this? No weren't they photo yesterday the chick soccer they went to the soccer coach and they said Are you kidding me? This is one of the daughters. Yeah yesterday. Yes, they came out that the guy took a chick From around here somewhere woodland hills

And they fucking made a fake profile that she was a soccer player and they made the captain The chick never fucking kicked the ball The coach was like I never saw her so it's racketeering Whoa, they got the soccer coach at ucla or usc. Correct me if i'm wrong For racketeering. I mean it's just cold blood and they didn't need to go to those Yeah, why would you have to go to these extremes and do this, you know how much money they were giving me Every time I turned my head I was getting a check for 25 to 500 to 5,000. What posey marty Johnny any spanish guy that made more money

They just donate and they have a fund sitting with the spanish people And all you gotta do is just apply And they were giving me fucking thousands and you're like, I you know, I look nice Oh, no, no, no, no, I wouldn't talk on this and when I was on campus. I was like a jab You know how jabs come around with a camera and they bow and get on with nothing. I ain't no no I don't know you shouldn't see me You know what I'm saying? I wasn't the fat chicken and uh and man on fire when the he's remember like old dita Actually, I'm saying La Nina

La Nina they would talk man. I don't know nothing. I bow I think pictures like a fucking like I just came back from cuba. You should have seen me from as soon as I hit the fucking campus Yeah, I was like Oh, I was like a half a retard That's what I said. Don't just start building a Don't just start meeting see and I kept asking even though I was like that retarded kid that has to follow everybody in school To get the school every day because he forgets what the school is You ever have that guy that just tagged along. He's just waiting for you. I was that fucking guy

I held that fucking moniker up for two years And when I would see people from the college, I'd just be Spanish Sorry, what's that? Oh my god, it was fucking hilarious when I was so when they find my paperwork, they're gonna put me under the jail with those dumb white people because I I was taking money in prison when I came out of prison the first place I went to

He's in Colorado. They had like three checks waiting for me for like 12-5. That's how I got you know You know in the mafia, they give you a boost. Yeah, they gave me a boost They gave me a 12-5 boost and then when I reapplied they said you can't come into the University of Colorado You must have felonies. Oh, really? So now they had me so now how to switch majors from political science because who's gonna hire me as an attorney My plan was to get a cold plant political history history major political science history major And then get into the Spanish law school like a doctor. That's where the big money came That's when they started buying your cars and paying for your apartments. And let me tell you something

Uh about four years ago. I got leather in the mail From the u.s. State department. They shipped me and my wife looked at that. We hit the drum roll And we opened it up. All they wanted back was 2600 bucks. Are you serious out of all that money? They wanted it back though. 26 25 a student loan. I had taken out For 2600 for 12 credits or something like that. I just took the 26 and bought a car and then sold the car I was flipping cars that on campus. Jesus. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm telling you Like that was like this was like the this was a fucking money machine. It was a money machine This is why when you're spanish all you have to do is go somewhere. You don't want to be

You're not gonna get into u.s.c. They're not gonna give you no money. We got 2000 mexicans in this neighborhood Yeah, you're in no danger go to the middle. We go to iowa city You apply the university. I want you to apply anywhere with blacks and spanish don't want to be Because don't look at each other and go why are we here because we're getting paid, bitch Whether it's montana boyzy boyzy, you know those places. Oh my god university of michigan All the bad guys Yeah, the brass go all they got, you know, kansas. So that's the move That's the move now. What did you do when you got out of prison to make money first thing?

Like you're I wouldn't pick up that check for 12 five. I was like I was like fucking henry hill We got to go to pittsburgh tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my wife's like, well, you have a meeting with your probation Don't worry. It's taking care of Right away. I picked up the 12 five And I got a job selling cars because don't let anybody you can breathe into the bottom of the glass. Don't let yourself So no, no, no at first I couldn't sell cars. I'm lying to you because I had to get my license You have to get your license read done not my driver's license, but my car salesman license So I got a job in the halfway house detailing cars

But I really wasn't detailing cars. I was selling blow. What I would do is So let's say I was coming. Where do you work? I work at tom segura industries 666 mockingbird lane. I would give them the address, but I tell them I'm a detailer We don't hear the phone ring. So just page me. Oh, right? smart for the page So I would get it. I would be driving around. You're not allowed to drive until you level four Fuck you I had a car park two blocks away. I'm driving around town when they pulled up next to a counselor at the light

And I'm like, please don't turn around. Please. She didn't turn around. I got away. And this is in colorado still This is in bolder. Yeah, so I was so funny to picture you as a colorado guy. I know I don't see you there Coke selling cars. I was clean But then I came up positive from weighing the coke When you pick up the rocks and shit the shit goes through your fingers And it goes into your bloodstream So I pissed coke and that's when the problem started now. I had to wear gloves and a mask What happened when you when you tested positive though, did they the first time they made me go to a

A 90 day out treatment like arty lane Shit and you went oh, yeah, I'm in there selling coke getting my dick sucked There was a chick in the group that would suck dick just by a look of an eye They give us a little break when you go behind the building a little soup on a mink and I go back in And tell him about my mother how she beat me with a paper towel The chick's name was patrice. I never forget that I would just see her and she sucked my dick It was tremendous. She was in the halfway house with me I would check in when you got into the halfway house

You'd have to sign your name and it'll always be a note come by my door Because there was chicks on the first floor and I would go by her door knock on the door Give her a little piece of coke and just take my dick out of the door Like if I was talking to I'd be hanging out like on the thing and she'd be sucking my dick the council would be on the other side Boom, I shoot my some ink and juice put the helmet back in and I'd go upstairs An hour later. She'd be fucking throwing up a storm downstairs by herself I was selling coke at the halfway house. Jesus. I was loaning money Really? I was a long shot. Yeah, because your rent has to be that's how they fuck with you

The system fucks you. They know you don't get paid till friday But they would make you pay your rent on thursday. He's 75 bucks a week Jesus, what the hell? I would lend out 75 for 102 I don't don't even ask where I came up with the figure 75 for 102 on saturday Let them cash that check now. What happens someone doesn't have the 102 ready. I wouldn't fuck with them Yeah, I just said go fuck yourself. Now you get nothing from me And now I got three guys. Do you ever stop and like think do you ever just stop about like think about

Where you are now in your life, right? You're this Great comedian. You have this beautiful family beautiful daughter and you think about How crazy you fucking were like the shit you were doing. Doesn't it seem like it's a different person? I've come to terms with it. You know that song by the talking heads, you know, you may ask yourself Living in a shotgun shot like that when I look at mercy the total I think about that song. How did I get here? Yeah So I so I wouldn't go to a psychiatrist or whatever. I broke it down to three categories The first category was when I lived with my mother until she died. I was host antonio

That's what she called me host antonio. That's what my family calls me. They don't know nothing about coco Or joey or fucking nothing They know host antonio and then my mother died. I became coco And that was the motherfucker that was just out of his mind and then when I was about 42 I became joey Diaz. Wow I came to add two more years of snow and coke But I was on the upswing at least it was like I was doing little heroin

I wasn't doing coke during the week. I would just do heroin on Mondays and just carry over for the week And uh, that's how I look at it. Just so I could sleep at night. Yeah, you know, just so I could sleep at night There's something else amazing happened recently that I talked to you briefly about was that you'd always told stories about Obviously the kidnapping and and being locked up and getting out and you would jokingly Talk about how you you sent a facebook request to the guy you kidnapped and he wouldn't accept it You're like, uh, he didn't For years you would always talk about it. It always made me laugh and then recently You said you did a show and the motherfucker he came to your show

I kept last last year really pissed me off because he was supposed to come to tempi and he never came Ken and it pissed me off Like I went back to the hotel room because you don't remember when you're there Christine i'm coming to your show tomorrow night 10 o'clock. All right. See you there And then under the drive home, you're like, I didn't see joey dears, right? Right somebody'll go. He was there. He just Left before you got off or something. Yeah. Yeah, you know, so he didn't show And I said that's it. This is the fifth time he has the show and then a dear friend of mine said listen The reason why he didn't show is he hasn't forgiven himself

Work with him. Yeah work with him on this He hasn't really come to terms with what happened. You know, he was no innocent bison. He was in on the deal too He just got double crossed like I did so When I went to Tucson, I called him the week before and I said i'm coming to Tucson. He goes i'm coming And i'm sitting downstairs. I thought he didn't show And there he was and I just hugged him I didn't say much because we apologized for each other on the phone. I just hugged him for like three or four minutes And it was like one of those hugs when I didn't have to say nothing just the way I was hugging him was like

I'm really sorry about that day. I can't imagine what you went through. You know, I really can't imagine what you went through It was a great day for me. I had a good time. You know what i'm saying? I lived out some fucking Wild fantasy. Yeah, you think he really thought but was he terrified for his life in that in that scenario? Yeah, he was but you know what? He didn't stop. He got in trouble. He got stabbed in the face like six months later Like he he was on a roll the same roll I was on Let's get something straight the reason why we met selling cars But then he disappeared for a while He was getting to a fight with the sales manager and lead was very good looking very charismatic at the time

Then he came back and that time when he came back when I met him when he came into my life He had a cast on like rv. He had one of those light casts. Yeah, and I go what happened And he goes ah, I got chased by the cops And I crashed into a tree and I got a dui, but they took me to the hospital And while he was in the hospital getting treated He broke out of the emergency room kicked the door down to the store pharmacy And took every painkiller and every bottle of liquor cocaine They had jumped out the window three stories

And ran away and they caught him two days later So the reason he was in the position he was in was because He knew where the coke was hidden his partner's coke was hidden and he wanted to rob his partner's coke and sell it to me Do you understand? Yeah, so what a tangled well tail we weave when we tangled to deceive. Yeah, I had different plans I'm not a fucking salesman. I'm gonna just take your fucking coke So that's what went down. So he was no and then after I saw when I got out of jail He was even more fucked up. I bumped into him Six seven months after I got out of jail. I was already into comedy

I bumped into him in a bar and he was fucked up To the gills. He goes, what are you doing here? When did you get out? Like, I'm sorry I go sell me a gram of coke and I never forget went into the men's bathroom We had one of those pocket scales And while he was weighing the coke he was fucking happy. He kept going. I can't believe you kidnapped me That's the time I'm listening. This is a bad day. It happens. It's a bad day You put yourself in a bad position We shook hands. We even did a blast in the bathroom. We went out and had a beer

And then comedy took over my life And then one day when facebook came along I seen him on there For every question. He told me to go fuck myself He wrote me like I like I probably be his friend And I did he is shit and then you know that secret compartment you have in your facebook There's like a messenger that yeah, you get messages on but you never check it One day I checked and I had 2000 messages on yeah, yeah, and there he was. He's like you got some fucking parables Asking me to be your friend. You tied me up and handcuffed me and shit

You know, I could move my hand for three days I was walking around like I had a stroke and all this shit You're like, can we be friends? And I'm like, listen man, you know, I'm sorry you feel that way. I get it You know, I wasn't trying to be rude to him. Yeah, I just had this sense that Listen, let me tell you something AA's got that step that they want you to reach on. I apologize to some people Remember when when fucking Christopher multi something got out of the out of rehab Christopher

He taught and Tony asked him are you clean? Yeah, and he goes. I'm even reaching out to some people in some cases I send some people money some people flowers people some apologies And then he looks at me goes There's some things you should leave alone like I've reached out to many people as I can There's some people that are never gonna get it. Yeah, I'm not even gonna try I even Reached out to my ex-wife. You did. Yeah. So listen, I was a different person then and then she went on this fucking die tribe about blow And I go, you know what I'm not ever gonna get through the hurry, right? But at least I put it you tried I tried and the reason why she's not dead

Is because I've made a constant decision that we both got something we wanted She wanted to be a mom and she had the kid And I got a life So I'm like fucking Denzel and man on fire. I gave a life To get a life, you know, and I've come to terms with it. There's nothing you can do. Yeah Now I got a beautiful six-year-old. I got the wife. There's no drama Yeah, and here I am and fucking rainy, California. I know it's shit with two favorite people every time I talk to you I feel like I'm about to see like you're gonna actually make that move though. You're always talking about moving somewhere

I want a sense of community. Yeah, I want somewhere. I want this shit to end like, you know, I just wanted to Just want to be regular like I just I don't see a future for me here if it there is I'll stay here till like they bury me, you know, they put me in that sag home What do you mean? There's no future for you here though I just I'm confused by that because I feel like oh, no, no, I have a future comedy wise. I love all that stuff

Oh, okay, but let's face it. You know the the other side of the industry has Great article came out about two weeks ago when I'm not uh saying nothing bad I think the world I think it was a great. I like crashing But when crashing got canceled a magazine put up that when is it gonna end? That it's time for america to accept Different type of comics that the clean cut comic america doesn't want to see it no more We've been pounded when they mentioned the guy from crashing. They mentioned Uh

John Mulaney and they mentioned Sebastian. Yeah in this article. Those guys all do great, right? Which are hugely successful action. There's a city music, but if their tv show didn't work It's not because it didn't work because of that It didn't work because america is ready for a new and they even said in the article If I was a television studio, I'd be chasing the dirty bunch on the internet. Yeah That's who america really wants to see those people with a little bit more, you know, um, my regular friends I would like to re-pitch a show or something like that Maybe give myself a future here, but if it's just to work the road and do a podcast you could do that from anyway

That's true. Yeah, okay. You know a couple weeks ago. I went to to so I'm sitting in the back with Lee Wellington the guy that runs that the the great guy and his little sister and I go I'm starving If you have any menus, then he went and goes let me taste him. There's a place down the corner Uh, fucking tacos boy. Dane went there I'll bring you a menu and he came back with the menu. I didn't even look at I go just get me carnitas Get yourself some tacos get some for Lee and get some for cake quickly. I gave him 60 dollars another cheap guy

He came back with a box of tacos two of them And a bean and cheese burrito and he gave me back 41 dollars It was 19 dollars for fucking 16 tacos. Yeah, bean and cheese burrito You know a couple weeks early. I went somewhere st. Louis or something And I got like a fucking huge lunch salmon mashed potatoes a salad a cup of fucking lentil soup iced tea You know 12 dollars. I told the waitress. She made a mistake

And she goes no, I didn't that's what the food cost And you come here and you you see what difference is again. I'm not cheap I'm just talking about I want to go somewhere. Well, I don't feel I'm getting fucked in the ass You know, you know, you know, how much longer are we gonna pay 25 hours for fucking luggage? Even though I don't but I'm just saying, you know, you know, how much long, you know Yesterday tremendous the biggest deal in the fucking angel history They gave that guy 437 million dollars and all these angel fans. Well, who do you think's gonna pay for that? Now your tickets went from 69 to 89. What if you and christine and your two little children

Want to go to a fucking baseball game? It's crazy. It's four times a yard stick plus 50 for parking Plus seven for a soda or try going to disney land that fucking costs a fortune But I'll tell you what yeah disney land justifies it I'm gonna tell you something when I go to disney land go for it If I turn around and mickey mouse fucks me in the ass and I pay to 119 I get my money's worth. I'll tell you why you know, you're not gonna get blown up You know, you're not gonna fall off one of those fucking rides. That's true. The place is fucking clean immaculate Even a gum wrapper on the fucking and if something does happen to fall

I know there's a little fucking mexican do with a sweeper with mickey mouse He is on that comes up right behind you and pick it the fuck up. They don't fuck around at disney land Let me tell you I went to disney land Pissed off this last year First of all, I went to the premiere. Listen. Let me tell you the hookup. I got I got I went to the premiere of cocoa They couldn't find people named cocoa So the guy goes how about cocoa deers? I go, let's my daughter definitely go see cocoa. So they took us downtown Seriously, just because your nicknames. Yeah, they took us downtown

They're like this guy's totally disney friendly food three floors of fucking white people Tricking martinis mixed with fucking shoe polish and cbd oil I'm over there mingling with my daughter and my wife and the kid comes up and he goes, bro I love you If you ever Want to go to disney land. Here's my card. Yeah, look at her. I got it. I got it for you if you want to qualify Okay. Oh, yeah, my wife wanted to go. I called the guy go. Hey, this is your deers from cocoa. How are you? I don't want intrude

You know, you feeling bad. Yeah, you did say if there was a hookup for disney land He goes, let me call you back. He got me the Joe Rogan package Really the Joe Rogan package Joe Rogan just shows up giving everybody gets a yard stick But they take him through caves. He cuts through lines. Yeah. Yeah, you know the guy gave me that deal for 10 people Oh, awesome. I took my nieces And he brought one his kid And me and my wife and the tribe We stayed at the hotel. Awesome. Two three days they walked around. I walked around a little bit with them

You know, there's some rides I can't do But that ride that you sit and you see the world and you smell the dirt they throw dirt in you know What ride is this? Oh around the world or something Oh, oh, I don't know. Oh my fuck. I haven't been to disney land in a long time. You're cutting lines and shit, right? Right through people are you doing both for me? You're walking around like fucking, you know You're walking around. I've heard about this. You just walk past people and cut you and people must be like, hey, we're what are you doing? Right? Are they looking at you? No, no, they know they know. Yeah. No people know people know that

You know, you paying a little extra. Yeah, it's a lot of money. Yeah. It's not no fucking joke Do you know how much it is? Oh, yeah Can you say yeah How much 400 an hour 400 an hour And there's a minimum for sure eight hours No four hours Okay, that's some scratch, but you know me my little Jewish skills. Yeah Got it cut down in half. You know what it was the netflix thing

I took that netflix the first check and I gave it to my wife and I go What do you want to do? Disneyland So let's go to Disneyland with no concerns You pay you go you're getting fucked in the ass, but I gotta be honest when I left there It's a good fucking. I gotta be honest. I did not feel like I was getting fucked in the ass Because every day you see about these companies that a roller coaster falls. Yeah, look at yesterday on carnival cruise I'm fucking white dude bungee. Listen to bungee broke. He's like, uh, I'm taking my leg to move

What the fuck are you doing on a cruise ship? Who goes on a fucking cruise? I I agree. I hate it. Who the fuck goes on a fucking cruise ship? If you're thinking about going on a cruise ship shoot yourself right the fuck now You cannot be that fucking retarded walking around with three fucking thousand people. Yeah, I hate this Breathing the same man in a little fucking room eating that fucking malook food Dog, I'd rather I wasn't I want I gotta be on one fucking cruise Yeah, terrible, but that's because I was 21 and she let me fuck her in the ass We took the the cruise around new york where you go outside new york and you can gamble

Yeah, the whole thing but you bring you back the next morning. Okay, so one night only one night only Yeah, but we did this horseshit. It's like six nights And then and and they make you sanitize your hands before you go on the buffet because every nasty motherfucker It's gross coughing sneezing touching and then then they had an outbreak of some yeah the new quarantine people Especially now though every week. There's something different every fucking week And what are you gonna do on a fucking boat for a week drink? Eat and drink listen go to Key West Right the fucking guy to take you out. Yeah, I would much rather

Vacation at a location four hours. You're back. Go somewhere cool. I don't do nothing groups every time those groups die Yeah, they die. They fucking die. I don't like groups things fly gondolas. He shit But the carnival cruise is the worst is that what you did before he was on a carnival No, I could just see Doesn't take a genius to let you know It's a hotel now. They take you out and you're stuck with these fucking people. Yeah, man. You got to walk around I don't want to play shuffleboard I don't want to bungee. I don't want to eat that fucking buffet food. Oh, it's the worst. It's the worst

No, I don't want to be on the cruise. I want to go somewhere like that. First of all, I'm not a vacation type of guy. No You got me for three days. You got my attention for three days After three days, I start scratching fucking acting erratically You know, I gotta get the fun. That's why Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday's the lord's day. I love your sunday policies. I love sunday's the lord and a couple weeks ago I broke it. I went down to the store on monday night on a sunday night For an all-things comedy showcase And I ate a bag of dicks as I was driving home. I was laughing. I'm not a lord's day type of company

I knew in 1998 That sundays were gonna be a problem me and by 2000 I would just let people know my favorite thing about it though I've done that because of you by the way. I have no sunday policy, but my favorite thing about it is You had the policy Before you were really selling I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, I know that's the fucking baller thing is that you guys understand When once you sell tickets, you can dictate things, you know and people are like, all right It's whatever you want to do before you were selling tickets. You were like, I just tell them to go fuck themselves And I was like, I would I would leave rogue in there. Yeah, you would right? He told me you left before I left him

Two or three times. He wouldn't talk to me for a month. I told you already. I don't work sunday He's like you would just be gone. Papa don't work sundays. Why wouldn't he be? Papa don't work sunday I don't even answer the fucking phone. The last thing you want to do on a monday, bro. Just take a flight. Yeah, it's horrible I'm telling you right now. What do you really want to fuck around? Take a flight on a monday if you're gonna stay till tuesday to go to yankee game Tuesday and wednesday, I get it. Yeah, you know, but There's no reason to work sundays think about it. What the fuck do you want to do on sunday? I want to be home I want to first. I don't miss 60 minutes. Yeah, that's my motherfucking shot. I have it right. I don't miss it for nobody

Okay, I don't miss 60 minutes for nobody. What are you doing on a sunday? I imagine you're sitting in your boxers. You smoke a little weed If I get home from the road first while I take the first flight out of wherever always 6 a.m. 5 a.m. I get home. They go to church at 9 So if I walk in the door at 9 45, I unload my suitcase Set the sleep out the machine up take a shower because that flight's filthy The first thing I do though Because my asshole knows the compass and your asshole knows

When you're away from home. Yeah, so when I'm on the road, I take minimal shits like eight inches six inches little torpedo Minimal when I jump into uber Yeah at the fucking airport That's when my asshole starts culminating three days. Yes of what you beneath and at the airport you sent me photos Before I get into the plane. I drink a can putcha I sell at the airport and I get shit moving. Is that kombucha kombucha whatever the fuck it is It gets shit moving in your stomach On the plane you drop a little turds on the plane you drop a little

What do you mean? You're shitting on the plane? Are you just those pre shit farts that are horrific? Yeah, that people start looking around and swatting their necks and shit like So I drop a few those I get my luggage by the time I get in the uber. I tell the god midway and listen I gotta take a tremendous shit. So get out of this fucking left lane and get that fucking high hop That ho v lane right now get on there. I ain't got time to fuck around By the time I'm exiting laurel canyon those pre farts are coming up I take the 20 hour. I give it to the uber driver. I fucking run in the house I go to the back bathroom that has a door like it goes into my backyard

I have three bathrooms and that door that bathroom is priceless Because I open the door I sit on And there's a bong and a pipe and a table next to me with weed underneath So I fill up the pipe and I hit it and as I cough The shit slides out like nothing like no stressing I'm not going to die like gg and the sopranos Backed up by turkey pushing you just caught

And all of a sudden you just feel those blocks coming out and then you catch one of those midway ones That's long. You just got to keep coughing And also you just feel it coming out of your ass Sometimes I go to why and I don't put my ball sack in the thing. You don't I shit high You put your balls out of the toilet. Yeah, I don't never I don't want you got to respect your wife What do you mean? Why what do you mean? You don't put your ball? I don't put my balls behind the toilet That's disgusting. Why because that's different. Yeah next thing you know, you suck on my balls and your teeth fall out I don't put my I don't put my nut sack in the car

I pick them up put toilet paper and put it on my nut sacks like a rest So my shit goes up higher. So it's got more room to go down like a missile And then when I get up, I piss on it and then the piss throws it down the hill the log Just goes in And then I wipe I throw it on top of that and I flush I wash my hands and I'm ready now I empty the suitcase. I set it back to the machine I'd staple all the receipts the plant that gets back. I can't imagine that your cleanup is easy Do you have a washlet a bidet? I have a bidet too. The bidet goes the best, right?

Huh, you fire that up right the fuck up. Isn't that the best when you've been on the road and you're smashing wiping with dry paper I love I love fishy. I love it. I fucking press that thing. I got the hot water Just let it run You sit there. You go into one of those little fag trances When they snort those poppers you can see that dude from ktla Yes, I know what you're talking about The dude from ktla the one i think chris burrows they tried to hide his debt

ktla were real sweet heart of a guy Yeah, but they found him in a hotel. He died. Yeah, they put two meth rocks up his ass He had a mask on with no fucking eyeballs And he had two poppers in his nose the guys were fist-fanging them You know the guy was fisting him in the fucking ass Jesus man, Jesus Christ at least use cocaine and numb the rip You're gonna stick your finger up my ass with speed At least put some novocaine. So even the dentist gives you something, right?

He was a real savage. Yeah, this guy was a savage. He met him on tinda the tinkler What's the one where you meet gay people? grinder grinder You know what makes me laugh so much about you and tommy and I say it together all the time Is when you talk about this is there's no more real Yeah, real. Oh, yeah, I guess there's no real facts left No, there's no real nothing left This morning I woke up to taking care of business. Remember that song by bt. Yes. Yeah, that's when white people

Were white people. Yeah when they took care of business. They didn't care about nothing that came out like in 75 It was just dirty white people taking care of business Like my daughter hears and she's like taking care of biscuits. It's not biscuits it's business, bitch Yeah, take care of business That's when white people are white people. Yeah, that's when you took care of you took care of fucking business No, it's not like that anymore. No, everybody's looking around saved the whales Who molested me? I gotta talk the fucking uh What the what the fucking little fag from the new york times?

Ratnam people, what do you give a fuck? Take care of your own fucking family Your father fucked his daughter. Meanwhile, you're ratnam people. What's your take on mj michael jackson? Yeah, you think he did that stuff never never land. Yeah. Yeah The first time I bought when I came from cuba was michael jackson a bc Yeah, I love michael jackson with all my heart. I love what the jackson five did I still remember the last hour moving violation when Jermaine left and the whole I mean I lived through all that shit. Yeah I watched

both episodes with an open mind And most people most americans most people watch that. I'm like, well, where's the parents for well Again, we got have you ever worked on a kid's show? um Animated have you ever worked on a kid's show like a disney show? No, I didn't know what hollywood was about till I worked at disney show It's not about the kids It's about the moms Okay

So the moms show up they got the kids the kids are acting You look at the moms that rehearsal tuesday wednesday at the table read the whole thing blocking on thursday on shoot day christine's you gotta look at these fucking mom Cleavage is out really mini skirt The ring has turned around Really the tits are out there. He ain't made up bloke. Everybody wants to be kim kadash in yeah, and you're looking at him in their living Their life through their children You know, I would talk to the moms and they would go, oh, we live in wealkan

Because our kid was doing a plan new york and they go, where do you usually live in? So we're coming to kentucky and i'm like, where's your husband? He's at home working We're out here living in burbank in a studio apartment Trying to get rolls You know, and it was really like it really showed me like what makes a woman I could see your kid, but now you're pushing it It's gross. They were like pistol peat's father pistol peat marivich. It would beat him if they lost. Yeah like that Now we're talking about never never land when I got when I did the longest yard. I got caught up

When when it's very tough not to cut up with like the hollywood thing. It's very tough When you say cut and everybody's laughing and you do the same thing six times and people laugh People blow smoke up your ass when this movie comes out. You're gonna blow up You know, you buy it at one time in this career. You bought it and at one time you bought it and then It's gone away. You see if what it is that they're all a bunch of motherfuckers When you watch the Elvis documentary, he says Look at his own father He said when we realized he was damaged goods

Our road our road our job was just to put him out there. So we died The captain whatever the colonel said yes about his own fucking, you know We're pieces of meat. We're irreplaceable in six years a new Thompson girl shows up in Montreal And now nobody's returning your calls. That's but we get caught up When you watch the documentary a I do believe both those boys. Yeah, I'm B I feel bad for the parents because They were just taken

Think if we're in the business and we got taken Think about it. What would you feel like? What would you feel like right now fucking? I don't even know who's a megastar like that anymore took interesting your child and said your child that talent We're gonna take him to the top And I got a rehearsal studio right down the corner drop him off every day at three You're gonna come for a few days I know but knowing what we know about this business like I I would never put my children into show business like who wants to have their kid working

When they're four or five years old, it's not cool. I don't want that line. It's terrible taken to my child I don't want they can't see it. They can't see it But when you're from some but they weren't these people were from california. No one was from australia See me valley and the other ones were from california. Yeah, correct But still michael jackson coming to your house and see me crazy. You gotta remember he bought her a house He loaned the money for a house. Yes, and then he told her was a gift. They didn't want the money back There's so many different variables. I'm not mad at the parents It happens to us

As entertainers when we come here and they give us a show we actually buy You know, how many people have we seen come and go from this town? Oh my god Yeah, we think they left here with a soul, but my everything is flowing. No They left here with a smack to their fucking face. Yeah, how many chicks really did come in blow Nasty guys and didn't get anything. I I could think a ton of them that sucked my dick And then I hear them. Well, I'll get you spot at the fucking comedy store And next you know, they're chugging on your helmet behind the comedy

That reminds me of this topic. We just had remember that that executive at what studio and he was promising Oh, yeah, Warner Brothers Yeah, and he was promising these girls like hey if you fuck me I'm gonna give you roles and this and that and he never followed through And we were like that's so cruel like you're a multi-millionaire. You don't need to spit that game You know, I'm saying like you could have just gotten your dick sucked Just by being rich, but if you're that vulnerable, yeah If you you know, I went to a banded chopping acting studios great place

But after a couple scenes and then they find that you were staying there I had these girls showing up at the store like, oh my god, you're so great. You have an agent They've never seen that right college girls that watch that live. Yeah, I think that he could accomplish it They love Reese Witherspoon Whatever I could do it. Reese does I'm the most popular girl in my high school And they come out here and you're up against all the popular girls Well, and Reese Witherspoon's been enacting since she was a baby. So she's a baby So these people forget that and they come out here and they get caught up and

Agents and and I can't tell you how many I can name like four times where a woman looked me in the eye And said to me, I'll do anything to get an agent. If you get me with your agent, I'll do one And this is when I was like with fucking Low-level studio. What do you call them boutique agents? Yeah Really and I would go anything Anything. Oh my god, I really want to be an actress ever since I saw the Hollywood sign You know, they don't even have the right reasons

They don't even know why they're doing it. Right. They just think that they're gonna go from Zero to five. How many fucking dicks did Marilyn Monroe suck? Oh, they ran a train on Marilyn I wish I would have done that. They run a fucking train on Marilyn Monroe They fucked eight. They fucked her to death And then shot her with something so she would shut the fuck up. She shut she fucked so many people they killed her Just don't listen. You can't you can't harvey must have seen it to these when he was like three Everybody fucked this shit out of Marilyn. They were passing her around guys. Yeah, yeah You know all the way to the press man. This is the president's fuck. She was mentally ill. She was very mentally ill too

Those are the ones they want. They don't want the ones that are five made of cappers You're not gonna put it over on them. Yeah They want the girls that are gonna go to or you ever go to you ever go to even do a tv show or a movie And you go to the party And you're just you don't even really want to fucking be there Yeah, and you see people from the movie and you wave at them, but then these these other 60 women that are there They're black. They're white. They're chinese. They got afros. They got tight suits on And at one point in the night, your derv comes by and just look at them and go

I don't remember you from the movie. I'm joey. You know, I wasn't in the movie I'm just here because my friend you're the other suck dick. Yeah When people tell me I'm the other support town you're here to suck dick You hear the suck a dick in one form or another You have a showcase in the old days if you had a showcase at the comedy store They put an asterisk next to your name. Yeah in comics would just go down to see what an asterisk And they would wait till you were talking to somebody and they come over and crack a joke Let me tell you about and you're like get the fuck

Out of here. Yeah, because they knew you had a showcase. They're never trying to talk to whoever, you know We will we wouldn't we had We are instinctively whores when we first move here. Yeah, it's not our fault. We're just whores not Literally whores sucking dick, but we would do and put up with things we wouldn't usually put up with Hey, you're going up 12th You know, but it's nine o'clock. You're gonna be up about midnight Shit like that and we buy into it. There's one day that you wake up and go. This is not gonna happen no more Right

And for me, it was an rb's commercial. I did a Hardies, uh-huh. What's the other side of hardy hardy? Carl's junior. I did three commercials in three weeks in a row three nationals And I was clean and sober from coke And when I got clean, I remember saying to myself, you know what? Before I was a fucking comic. I was a man bit slapping people Enough with that dumb hollywood game. If you got a comment here now, I'm gonna give it to you And I remember having that frame thought and getting the hardy's commercial And going down the long beach the call was midnight

And I play a mobster with this other guy and they put us in an suv And we had to pull up to shoot a guy But when we got there the guy was eating a chicken parmesan sandwich and there was sauce on this thing So he passed out. We thought somebody got there first So we get there Before I got the commercial like you're working with You know antonio angelini this tremendous director, you know, he gets there with the assistant next to him He's got the pepila pew hat

The shirt rolled up so you can see his tattoo You know, my my new philosophy is if I can tell you the director, I don't want to be in the movie Yeah, right if you got the director garb on here with the clean eastwood hat and all that shit I'm done with you. Yeah, I heard that man. If you got the costume on I don't want to work with you I don't want to work. So what happens on this? Oh my god, so girl, I'm off the powder I'm just on reefer and I'm a fucking savage I get and they dress us up in these mafia outfits They put lights inside the car. So they would disconnect they put the lights on they must have disconnected the break

So our job was to drive like 30 yards stop Slam the door and walk towards the car every time I slam the door the car kept rolling And they would say cut And the guy would go what the hell's going on put the brakes on And I'm like I put the brakes on the brakes on it on. I'm sorry. Let's do it again And again I put the emergency on I get out and the fucking car is rolling This happened like two or three times

And the director kept saying I don't know what the fuck is going on with you two But somebody better figure it out And finally the guys went in there and tried to fix it and again I put it on And the guy goes you're not pulling it hard enough. You fucking dummy. Oh, wow. No dog I turned around and once I've been two in the morning And I go, what'd you say motherfucker? And he just froze Hell yeah, and I walked towards me. What'd you say motherfucker? I'm not gonna listen. I'm not one of your punk white fucking friends here

I'll knock you the fuck out right now He ran from me the assistant and the pa took him and ran him into his trail and he closed himself in there And I walked to the trail I banged on the door. I go you're not getting away with this one, bitch I go come out here and talk to me like a man. He goes. I'm on the phone with the whatever We're replacing you. I go. It's two in the morning. You dumb motherfucker. Yeah, you're never gonna replace me at two in the morning Come out here like a man then the ad came out He said walk away from the door. I go and then the first ad came out and go come call the police go call the police Call the police. What do you do? Nothing happening. It's just two men

trying to talk I go come out of the fucking trailer and be a man Then his little faggy assistant came out with the feather in her hat And then he finally opened the door and he goes nobody has ever spoken to me like that. I go and then that's what your problem is We all put our pants. We all put our pants on one leg at a time You respect me and I fucking respect you. That's what men do But they've blown your to smoke up your ass tonight assistant And all his people are there and I'm going you gotta act like a fucking man

Okay, you don't talk to people that way. Yeah, bro. You talk to people like a fucking man Why come from you get hit and that's it. Let's finish this fucking commercial Let's go and I turned around the guy followed me very meekly We did like eight takes and he cut me You can go home now and I walked away and I walked up and put my hand down and he was still a con teeth He you know vaguely put his hand out And I go you gotta act like a man. So okay, you gotta be a man Yeah, forget this director shit and as I got to the car his assistant came up to me as he goes

Thank you very much Sometimes people forget What our main job is to be human beings. Thank you And she goes i'm happy you did that I'm very happy you did that. You scared him to death. I fucked him tall and I was bagging on the trail I go come on here like a man. No fighting. There's about two men talking. Yeah Come on here, but you don't call me a fucking dummy bitch Don't even ever say that to somebody on the set. You don't pay us enough. Yeah

And you know, he worked with me like like I said it took one more hour after he he was saying we're gonna work all night Yeah, just do the fucking cuts Just do the three enough. I'm not gonna sit here all night and do fucking takes You know like when I did go daddy, they made me throw the pizza up a thousand times till I said That's it. No more if you didn't get it by now go back to usd fucking Acting school and get a camera again, and they all looked at me and I fucking went and sat down. That's it Enough with this bullshit. You want to kill four hours me throwing a piece up at me yet? Using shots are never gonna use making us film shit. You're never gonna and then you see the thing that's you moving

You're like I was there for six fucking hours for what? I say this business is so wasteful. This is the only business Where everything is done last minute and they waste a tremendous amount of money. It's just gone down the fucking toilet Oh, we got it. We need a llama for this thing tomorrow. Let's spend 50 grand. Let's find the wrangler Let's change the set. You know when you're working on various projects, right? They don't have a call time for you until last fucking minute Fly him in and then it's like god We're gonna you're working it all day tomorrow. Okay, and you get through like actually not gonna work today. What?

Yeah, I find we decided we move some things around and We're gonna we found this out. We're gonna do this shot We got but we got to bring in this special light and it's like 45 grand to use it You're like, yeah, it is very like just impulse and last minute. We're gonna do this thing like oh, okay You don't waste a lot of you fucking think about that in advance. Nothing bothers me more than that. Yeah. Oh How do you feel by the way? This is totally out top, but we've been having this debate about She she taught our son who's three years old to say I have to take a dump And I'm like, come on now. He's gonna say it teachers. Look at the smile on his face. You know, it's funny. I think it's funny

It's funny. I think it's funny too, but I don't think about like People being like what you know, like adults treating him differently because he's speaking Crasse. All right. Here's the deal. That's plain and simple. Yeah, you know why I got a potty mouth. Why because After three they thought it was cute They really thought it was cute But what this is it's irrevocable. What's that word? Irrevocable? You can't turn it back. Yeah So once you go down that path, oh, I didn't teach him that

I tell mercy like when she takes a shower and she comes out like would you wash your monkey? She'll look at me. I'm gonna do wash your mufflers. She'll say yes daddy and she knows I don't think she goes to school and says hey, I washed my monkey yet. You know what I'm saying? So I'm no fucking angel either. Yeah, but I don't curse around there. No, well, listen. That's where I draw the line I we don't drop f bombs. I don't say shit or go fuck yourself. None like that But I feel like dump is permissible. It's not really a bad word. It's it's crass as my daughter will call it She's he's saying potty words that potty words. She's she calls me says potty words. I'm like what type of words, you know She won't say she's heard me

I slipped with a shit from course. Yeah, but nothing else like that nothing Now I bet with your history of being an animal In the coke days you've been with some real Fucking animals yourself chicks that are real fucking questionable, right? There's definitely been some but I want to show you this clip of this chick and tell me if she could get it back in Joey Diaz's crazy days Go ahead

What's up, air plane? She's licking the toilet smell of air It made it made Joey blush I mean you could tell by her eyes That if just chicks suck your dick, she would leave you alone like you're dying. She's a stalker. Yeah, look at it Look at it. Everybody molested her like everybody The peaches her father the neighbor Look at look at her eyes. She's got crazy eyes. Everybody molested her

Everybody everybody she bumped into did something to this girl a finger in her ass They threw holy water on her. They did everything they could look at it. She's fucking retarded How the fuck are you gonna lick a fucking toilet seat? What the fuck is wrong on a plane? Oh, man, that she'd be fun because you could just tell listen stick your tongue up my ass And tongue it. I'm gonna jerk off on your hair. Yeah, and you're all in she'd be like, all right. All right. Yeah, that's the good Well, that's that's what's the benefit about her She's down for any but this filthy animal licks your tongue. You're gonna have an itchy asshole for two years Yeah, you don't have to go to the doctor. They're gonna put you in stirrups like they do to women and open deep and put like

Like a hat with a camera and put cornstarch powder in your ass because You got rashes and shit That's a nasty bitch take that off for you I'd rather see a woman eat shit or something like that than lick a fucking that is nasty. That's one of the nastiest things Yeah, that is nasty. I've never been with animals like that. I just dialed 911 I throw them out and give them a lethal lethal dose or something Shut them the fuck up for an hour. I mean, isn't that one of the grossest things you've seen You know, we've seen a lot of shit on the show that has to be like top worst

Yeah, and by the way, I respect her. I think she's cool. What is that a respect? Yeah, what are you respecting, bro? That's who fucking the owner of new england should have fucked. You see a girl like that You give her 10,000. She's got to be retarded something something somebody her family's artistic Something's going on. You give her 30 grand and you tell her snap dry fucking. I'm gonna kill you Just gotta gotta cut a check to your family. It'll drop you off on the 170 You'll never find anybody that's what you do with chicks like that. Somebody in her family's dying from something. Yeah All right, listen, you give her the cash though. Yeah, look what he's going through

For fucking some immigrants. Yeah, that's got no paperwork for getting a rusty hand job from a chick with dry hands and fucking Jupiter, Florida Some fucking chin chin with dry hands and Jupiter, Florida You were gonna hand job by a family with dry hands. It ain't that nice. You know what I'm saying? It ain't that type of party I'm fucking those little fucking human trafficking hands. They've been scratching in ships and fucking I don't want to go you like they're doing the problems now, but more than they landed I'm gonna throw up and when they landed with the helicopter and the guy's like, I don't want to go I don't want to go out there. Oh, they just come into your house over in chinaville and they pull you out

You got your fingers in the dirt. They're pulling you by your legs like the fags In fucking narcos the second season when they buried them and they ripped them in half with the motorcycle The two fags were making out swapping spit. Oh, I'm gonna hit them with the head with the bottle and they fucking tore his Christ You guys are fucking crazy. Who gives a fuck? I'm helpless. What who gives a fuck? I don't give a fuck. I'm fifty six I think my career going one question though. What is she trying to show how nasty she is. She's just nasty Sexually nasty or just nasty That's her own quote there

Right because she says it says if you're listening it says she captioned licking the airplane toilet because i'm gross like that So, yeah, she put it out there. She nasty is how how's the flying jubah by the way, let me tell you something I would I would have Suck my asshole. I had stuck my fungi toe In her pussy because it doesn't really matter. You understand after that a pussy would look like a Like it's just like a fuck and I just put my whole friend flinched on foot And the pussy like a cannon got it like a like george walk this shot of what a cannon Are your feet nasty like a motherfucker? Yeah, not that I do

You know I get the I put cream on my feet and shit But I got a fun god toenail the toenails are tough and I gotta buff it down I love buffing it like once I do it on the road. I do it in that whole time room. I got the whole kiss I got the The fucking greater you see the dust just go fly. Oh I save it and I put it together into a circle Like a little volcano and I smell it Sometimes I put it in a baggie and save it and sprinkle it in somebody's fucking house That little fun guy fucking told us so nasty joey ds

You have to do I cut the nails and then you gotta go under the nail and take the fun guy out Because the nail the fun guy grows under the nail So I gotta cut it and then scrape it and it comes out. I do I do it. I do it like on a black piece of paper and then I scrape it all up You travel with a black piece of paper. Oh, yeah, I try. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Listen to me I got like an eight ball of tow dust there with toenails. What do you do with that? I just look at it for a little while and then I rub it and I I smell it and then I fucking throw it away I got the machine that you buffed the nail. Yeah, and then the powder falls all over my other toes

Moving along. Anyway, your wife. See you do this shit. No. No, you keep it from her. Yeah, that's nice of you I want you know, I want I'm so cute. I've never met your wife. My wife is dynamite She's the opposite married the joey. She's the opposite of me completely. Well, actually she was on leon christier's podcast Wife of the party so they want to know about her. She's on a recent episode. She was on leon's podcast. Wife of the party. Yeah You can hear what it's like to be married to joey. Yes. I got it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's cool as shit. My wife. I like my wife I'm probably gonna like their wife. I like my wife. Yeah, you should like my wife. I have a nice relationship with my wife But she's cool as shit I live so I'm grateful. I live in a really peaceful fucking house

Yeah, yeah, which is very rare where I came from every house in the neighborhood yet yelling and screaming and arguments People walking it to in the morning My house is very same way. I don't want any fucking drama and no chaos dude For years I dreamt of how I wanted to live And now I'm living that that way. That's awesome. Peaceful. Yeah, I know my schedule I'd go out Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays Oh, that's good. Friday night's date night. I'm gonna get her out She's got to talk to some adults. Yeah, I take her for Cuban food in Silver Lake. We stop at the Starbucks

We're home by 9 30 10. Yeah, you know, we always do early dates. We try to go somewhere like some restaurant Some different we went to the italian joint got the meatball two weeks ago Sorry, friday. We do something. Saturdays. You've got to do some comedy somewhere. Yeah, you know, you do a 9 15 at the store Maybe jump on the belly room. Yeah, then you split do that in the same way. I'm home 20 years in bed by day What do you want to talk about? No, what do you call me? Just call me. I'm gonna sit down there and talk. It's very nice to go down there and see people Like on Tuesday nights when I'm driving down there. I'm very excited To go down and watch Christine's act. You know, I like to go down there

Get high before I leave the house And by the time I get down there, I'm really tuned up. I get a water and I sit in those back chairs And I try to watch the four acts before me With nobody bothering me. Just to see what you're up to Burr-Crasher last week was Marin Callie Wong and then me I get to see you'll watch different acts. Yeah, yeah, because Yeah, I don't want to watch on tv. I really don't want to watch it. Can I tell you something? I've known you for so long and you look amazing right now. Thank you. I don't know very. What are you doing?

Because you look doesn't he look healthy works out of therapy you water Jiu-Jitsu he's doing boxing the biggest thing I learned from rogan in the last 10 years was the episode you had about the guy about sleep I that I was thinking about that episode yesterday. I was that episode changed my life and that book changed my life What is it so people can get it? I'm on What's the book sleeping while we sleep something weird I learned a lot from when I had to sleep apnea But now I've taken it up to a level. I got the same problem. Tom has You got home at 11 o'clock from the commie store eating apple

You eat a banana you try to unwind you're not just going to go in and kick your shoes off and lay down Yeah, two spots at the store. Yeah, I know you go down you get on the computer look at twitter Thank you for coming to the store You look at you. I did good tonight. I got to change this joke around And then you have that low another type of guy if I go in living room and man on fires on yeah That's it. I get up. I get the fucking cold cuts out. Yeah, I got a coke zero And I watch the fucking movie I go during commercials while stopping I'll go hit the bong and the thing and now it's 10 to 2

Yeah, and now at 2 o'clock guess what's coming out smoking in the band So now I gotta sit here and watch this fucking thing because how am I gonna go to sleep Who the fucking mind to go lay down while fucking Jackie Gleason's Who died and left me boss? Yeah. Yeah, that was going on at the end that I was on the road and splash was on it too John candy's best John candy was just brilliant and on the road. Yeah, I will watch it till like four on the road See, I love I love Flying in Thursday. Yeah doing that show Friday and then that Friday you just tell people like people like what are you doing tomorrow?

Do you want to do a watch it? No, listen go away? I don't want to I'll call you when I wake up because I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna have a film festival Yeah, yeah, you know, I got a little bit of food. I got I get those protein bars And I put them in my sacks with those protein milkshakes I put them in my sack and that's the only night that I go off the reservation Yeah, you know, sometimes you get so fucking high like I don't do the vapor pens at home I only bring them on the road. So when I go on the road with them, I get high in my room You know, sometimes whatever, but when I'm home jack

There's no 10 30 fucking main room shows in my world None of that shit because that starts at 11 And actually, you know, I'm walking in my house at 12 15. That means two Yeah, and in my house you wake up at 6 15 whether you like it or not Same Friday. Yeah. Yeah. So in our position, we got to get eight me if I could do seven 11 30 12 to seven sometimes I'll sleep till seven get up Jump the shower. I'll have a cup of coffee talk with her for 15 20 minutes

And then maybe they go to school right right for an hour. Then I go to kickboxing at night I do that shit early and get it out of the way, you know But the sleep has been sleeping so huge sleep is fucking huge if you're dieting And you're not sleeping you're not losing weight if you're lifting weights and you're not sleeping You're not fucking retiring it back up. So if anything I blame it on sleep Yeah, that episode by the way, I don't know what it is, but if you guys if you just google Joe Rogan sleep expert this guy in the in the first few minutes of that episode That guy has you re like thinking about is it episode 1109? That's what it is. Yeah

It's jre 1109. I forget. I don't know what the guy's name. He's a sleep expert and a neuroscientist man That that dude in the first few minutes he starts explaining What happens to your brain very without having great sleep? And I didn't sleep at 30, you know for 27. I really for 27. I did blow out. Oh Our own Chris who's working here That was his professor in school. Was it really? Yeah, that was definitely my professor in school. What's the name of the book? Matt Walker. Okay. What's the name of the book? You know the name of the book? I didn't catch that

The thing is sleep Look at Matt Walker Yes, so I got to watch everything because if I drink too much water Then I'm up and down pee, you know. Yeah, me too. That's a big problem. That's the big thing. So now if I go to about 11 30 While I sleep while we sleep I could sleep till six So I pee and then I don't have nothing going to my life. That's lucky. It's good I go back close my eyes And I try to get one more out the last two nights. I've slept so well. I feel different. You have to that's that's

You know, you could eat well. You could do everything. But if you don't ask remember when I first started the podcast I was doing it at 6 a.m. Yeah. Yeah, I know I was telling tom that one time you go christine. You want to be on my show? I'm gonna call you at 6 a.m. I was like, uh, I don't wake up at 6 a.m. Bro 45 I was getting up. So this is what I was doing then I was getting up at 4 45 monday 4 45 wednesday 4 on thursday to fly out and then friday radio Dude, and what time were you going to bed usually? No, whatever no restraint

ones twos Netflix documentaries this that You know youtube concerts now everything gets shut down But why were you waking up so early if you didn't have to? Because I I read the harvard stern book years ago and he said that when he did radio He always wanted to get to you first Right, that's the reason why he did morning radio was to get to you first. I was trying to build a podcast

So I wanted to get to you first. Oh, that's interesting That was the reason why I was doing that for so long. I wanted to get to you first It lasted about two years. We did it. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it. I did it once I called in You were like, I'll call you at 6 and it was like and it was Then I started thinking about it and it was too much like morning radio Yeah, what I was trying to avoid I had to become So now like I consider a podcast a wiretap A podcast should be a wiretap. I see all these people wasting valuable time on a fucking podcast

They play games. They do this They call just talk People just want to hear a wiretap. That's all we are what we would say behind closed doors Is what they want to hear. I said they want to hear, you know, they don't want to hear If you edit me out. Oh, he he said chin chin He said this that's not what they want to fucking hear They want to hear the wiretap. They want to hear a fucking wiretap for sure a conversation between two fucking guys Or a woman or what we would talk about. Yeah, it's true. It's pretty fucking. Now, by the way, do you have any interest? Do you kind of

Just watch from the sidelines how things are starting to gear up for 2020 elections and all these people are coming into the mix like Different people are announcing that they're gonna right now the pool. I don't know if you've seen the democratic pool. It is like it's um It's it's huge, right? I know a lot of chicks announcing like all these, you know, different senators and former governors congress people But there's there's other people that are announcing that they're gonna run for president, too Like, um, I don't know if you've seen this guy right here. He's he just announced. Hi everyone. This is michael arthitt Taylor jr I am a retiree I am running for president of the united states

good The fucking brody hung himself. This guy's still fucking walking around telling people Is the problem we have Well, bro, he rest his soul and this guy wants to run for president This guy can't get to the fucking store without falling down two times He wants to run for president and the fact that somebody taped him and let it this fucking moron get the platform Like if this guy called you up and said come over I want you to tape me. I'm gonna run for president. Yeah, I'll be there in two hours

I'd send the mental health people over there like listen go over there and just bandage him up He's talking about killing themselves and taking out a fucking robbs right And then somebody had to upload this to youtube Yeah, like all this shit. Yeah, listen, you know what the thing is like when I came from cuba I looked at the president's, you know, you had your nixons. You had your You had your fucking You know, I can't even remember who you had for Ronald Reagan, right and ford

All of them look like presidents. Yeah And then Clinton came along and he got his dick sucked and something happened and nothing nobody else got their dick sucked Yeah, he came along and it became something else Bush didn't have it. I think bush had it, but he didn't Then the sun he definitely didn't fucking have it. We don't have presidents anymore We got a bunch of jokesters. Yeah, the nobody in the pool is exciting. Nobody's exciting, but nobody has a presence Yeah, Joe Biden has a presence, but he's 2 000 years old You know, what's a you you hit him with a challenge, you know, the koreans are coming. Oh fucking die

That guy never even had korean food. You know what I'm saying? He's never been to korea town that poor bastard So these guys, you know, I need a 55 year old a strong tough barrel. Yeah Yeah, and some he'd come across I like a military guy I kind of like john mcdonnell like a big throwback to like a or like if a madis actually ran You know the guy uh general madis. Yeah Guy like that who's like we haven't had a general in a while. I think that's what I like You know, I wanted man's man. There was only I don't vote. I'm a felon Yeah, and I don't

That's right. I forget there was only one motherfucker. I would have voted for his name was rush parole. Oh, yeah I remember us. We had to go. I we have a dick I read his book when I was in prison and I was never more impressed when you read his book on wings of eagles It is one if you really really really are an american If you really believe that we should fuck motherfuckers up When they slip, you know what I'm saying? That's him. Fuck motherfuckers up. Yeah Like perot was our guy perot's claim to fame was he owned this company. I don't know what they did And his his people got kidnapped

And they ran iraq situation or something Correct me. I'm not a fucking historian. Yeah, and I read this book in 88 But he went to kissinger and he went to all the heads of state and they said they really couldn't help him And he said Okay And he went to the people's families And he goes i'm gonna have your family back by christmas day And he went he searched for the highest ranking

retired fucking killer That the military ever had like he paid like 10 million. Give me the fucking codes I want somebody who's killed a thousand jacks yet to me He's killed everybody humans I want a guy with no conscience and he took that guy that was played by in the movie because they did a movie about it He was played by a tough white dude to train his employees So think if you're an it guy like

And I come in and go get up Let's go shoot a fucking grenade missile He she trained his guys he's trained his own employees because rush parole sold them on it Those are your brothers over there. How can you sit on that fucking desk and eat fucking crackers? Let's go. He trained them And christmas eve the 23rd around there. They went over and they saved his employees and he had The people back to their families. Oh, shit something the government wouldn't even do because they didn't want to cause problems Perot got some trouble for it. Yeah, that's some backlash. Yeah, but in my world

I want that backlash. Yeah. Yeah, you went to a family And told them no matter what Even if I got to buy helicopters I will go over and take them myself takes a certain type of man to do that He was he would have been a scary present. Yeah, they would have been like two countries left If he was the president, it would have been like us and England He would have blown everybody else up Africa I ran

The israelis would still be around because he was a team that we got team up with jews. Yeah And jewish people know a thing or two. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, i'm palestinians. Just take them out right now That would have just been parking lots all over this fucking empty fucking places smoking. I remember like those He wasn't gonna fuck around larry king. He went now larry Here's a problem right here larry He would it sounded like someone's uncle, you know, just shooting the shit He's a little nerd and then at the end of everything he would go by the way american people They're paying for this with your money. I'm paying for this. That's right. My money. That's right. He was i saw when he was making that one time

Guys, it was just amazing. Yeah at one time. They broke down when he was making a day It's gotta be insane. It was insane Well, he had that much money. He's still alive. By the way, did this guy have some platform that he was running on? Who rush parole? No, no the guy that announced is running for president. Yeah, the fucking momo platform What did he what's he actually say? Who's this? Who's this? I don't know. Look at him. Whoa Can you imagine the other four idiots that who's gonna be his vice president got with a hat with a propeller on it? They're gonna sit there all day. Yeah, this is what i'm gonna do. Get the fuck out of here. You gotta drive me crazy with this shit for

being freedom for freedom and i am Taking the wall down. Oh, he's taking the wall. Okay. So he's got an immigration policy That's interesting to know the wall. No need to be up in Mexico The reason this is united states of america, you know that you're going to hell

Who's gonna help this guy? Let me tell you can you imagine this poor bastard giving this first speech? And all you something you just hear And you see half his head fly off and shit and he's still alive We need it. I think we need a wall Let me tell you something they could put up 20 walls those mexicans They're worse than the vietnamese. They'll dig up. Yeah, they'll they'll dig it up dog Yeah, you can't stop You can't stop people what they've been doing for the last 200 years

They know shit about that fucking border that we don't have a fucking you ever been to a checkpoint charlie in berlin You ever go to germany in berlin? Oh, you should gotta see me. I'm over there all the time I was nazi's Do I go over and talk about jews with the nazis? No, if you ever get a chance You gotta go to berlin. I go to berlin. I top him on the shoulder. What do you think of those jews, huh? The fuck is wrong with you? I don't go to germany But if you ever end up in berlin, you got to see the checkpoint charlie It's the the place where you could cross between east and west berlin because they built a wall

That's what they fucking did after the end of the war whatever the crowds the crowds did yeah And you would see it's a muse. There's a museum right there and it shows exactly how everybody Fuck the wall basically like people would sneak in they build compartments secret compartments and trunks They build secret compartments under cars and carriages and people Still fucking snuck in. I mean there's museums dedicated to it. So you can't stop anybody. No, it's never gonna fuck No, you can't you can't jump over and get shot people fucking They'll just do it. Mexicans. Did you watch that last season on our coast? Yeah, that's been a yeah Yeah, go luna awesome amazing just tremendous

But it tells you that you they didn't give a fuck They'll build tunnels. Yeah, man. They'll go down there. They'll figure out submarines They don't give a fuck. Yeah It's it's it's such a you got to pick your uh battles. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I have nothing against the wall You think the wall's that describe build the fucking wall, but you're not gonna stop it You're not gonna stop it, you know, and I'm not even I don't even like talking politics Now, you know humans are so resilient. They'll just figure out a way Yeah, my parents escaped from Hungary and 69 when the Russians were

For those mexicans are building a hot air balloon as we speak right now Of course, dude They can fucking inflate with a butane lighter like three mexicans by themselves There's a little fucking thing that pops after fucking an hour They're just building this shit. They're already countering The wall they're already planning how the fuck they're gonna zip through the wall Oh, yeah, and by the way, the You know the way that people whenever somebody faces any barrier of something they want to do

There's always another there's always another way, man Of course, it'll be another way you you could put up a hundred foot wall And there would be a new way just a new way in of course my parents figured out a way to escape from communist Hungary where Kids were ratting out their own parents to the kgb and your fucking family would get taken away in the middle of the night And thrown into prison and my parents were like fuck this place. We're out of here So they uh, they took the train to took a train to Yugoslavia They got caught

They got deported sent back and instead of getting on the train and going back to budapest My parents were like, yeah, yeah, we'll go back and they got off at the first stop You know what i'm saying? So they took a train into Yugoslavia. They get caught at the border. The guy says go back But they don't they got off at that first stop after and then they um With the guineas with the guineas to they find a guy in Yugoslavia They can get them to italy So they wait they wait they wait meet this guy the guy gets them over to italy And then they're in a camp in italy for about a year and change until the catholic church in termic camp until

Oh, and the the americans came over to my parents. They said, oh, you guys are from hungary Tell us what the russians are doing because my dad was in the military in hungary And they said if you can show me a map of what the base looks like he goes, of course. Yeah Here it is. Here's what the russians do. This is where the russians do that And um, I think because my dad helped the americans and whatever. I don't know somehow we got taken to canada We got uh passed to canada And uh my favorite part about that though there we I was born there Yeah, he's she's born in canada and then one day he was just like uh america

I want to go to america and then they just drove in and my parents No, well, he he got sponsorship to work at a factory in detroit But he was still supposed to go back to canada right and then one day he's like fuck that But that's immigrant stuff dude. That's what joey's doing. Yeah See the loophole and you're like fuck you my mother went to a party with a younger sister My aunt was 13. Rosita And my mother was about 15 or 16 and they went to a party with two of their three of their brothers And my mom was dancing and she lost sight of rosita

And she went outside and she went around the thing and some guy was raping my aunt A taxi driver so my wife my mom broke the bottle And stabbed them in the back and ripped his back apart and the guy died in the middle of the night So they had to get my mother out of cuba So here's my mother 15 16 years old In those days you just went to the fucking airport and she went to chicago first She landed in miami and went to chicago to see a relative they didn't want and she ended up in new york We had another like uncle in new york and she stayed with her cousin for a few days

There was a fucking nightmare And she met a Puerto rican girl named go yin And they started running numbers together When there were kids for a neighborhood booking and they both got together and opened up like a little bank and started making a little money But my mother wanted to go back to cuba and see her parents So she snuck back into cuba with go yin's mothers But identification there was no passports at that time whatever the fuck they use i don't even know if there was passports

So my mother entered cuba with the name of sophia sicilio Stayed in cuba for four fucking years had my sister and then had me Stayed in cuba with that fake fucking dad In 1966 she came back into the states as sophia sicilio And that name stuck So she just went got into her security cars And she lived the rest of her life like sophia sicilio

People would call her sophia. You went on your sophia. She goes just mind your business. And what was her real name denora? Hilarious to iro valdez. I'm a valdez She switched it to fucking sophia sicilio But don't laugh when my mother died. I couldn't collect so security because my mom Didn't work though. She worked enough quarters. Yeah, but under a different name. Oh, man That's why i'm gonna apply for a passport Because i might get stopped and said wait a second

You know what i'm saying, especially now especially there. Yeah, i get that so you can't you've never you don't go to canada and nothing I don't do guys and you do like this point. I don't want to do nothing. Do you do a Border kind of shows. Detroit Buffalo. Yeah, that's it I don't go nowhere. I just in case they do the paperwork next thing you know Yeah, I got some families Fines and shit like that. There is no danger of seeing those Because I got to pay the fines if I want a passport. Yeah, but I really don't want a passport to be honest with you Sure, I give a fuck. I'm never gonna lose. Yeah, I know. So yeah, they want to come down here and get me be my guest

Jesus man unreal Be my fucking guest the immigration world is a really Because you have to listen to two sides of it. That's why you really Me being an immigrant. I have natural Uh compassion for any yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I you know look what's going on now in venezuela. You you want your friends to be a part of I mean you you have latin time. Yeah, you know

This is our blood look what's going on in venezuela the same conflicts in some place In syria they run away from you know, I can't imagine I can't imagine Yeah, and listen we have good and bad in every race. Sorry You know There's white people that are fucking doing anything for you and then there's white people to pay a half million dollars for the retarded Can't do it. I could get into a fucking ivy these schools. They go to parties and say my little missy's at usc She's a dumb as a box of fucking rocks. Yeah

She's dumb as fuck But she said you were see you know saying there's some people who are proud of that And you know you look at that And when I see that you know who I feel fucking bad for I'm saying it's just this way so nobody gets offended I feel bad for spec little nigger kids and little chinese kids who work fucking hard Do a thousand fucking things. Yeah, and now somebody cuts in fucking line. I feel bad for them

I feel bad for somebody who really needs somebody who came from fucking hungry Just wants to fucking be an engineer. Do you remember when you started comedy? How you would go back after your first year and you wanted to do things and it was frustrating You think of what an immigrant's mind is about. What no matter what in that japan china vietnam They come here and they buy the american dream and they just want to get into a fucking college Any college and here comes fucking full house Yeah with the fucking husband and macy and his fucking cunt wife And you know for 15 000 to put her in a room to take her sate. Let me tell you something

You take you take a course to take your sate. There's a course. Yeah I know and I stupid as fucking that and you and you take it and they you could take it how many times Two or three year sate. Yes. Yeah, and you picked the highest score So for 15 000 You just threw away 15 for what so they had her in a room with a mentor that Give her the answers bullshit thing is too the um the people who did that they paid They paid for their kids to get like Near perfect scores, right? I couldn't even settle for like these are pretty good scores. They're like make it

What's the perfect 1600 make it 15 20? So now you you're pretending that the kids are fucking not Smart like genius level, you know, it was like the the boldness and the balls to have to be it to take it to that level You know as to me is like, I don't know. I think you're gonna play a cheat like that smart Then how did they cheat the grades? Oh, sorry, I interrupted you. No, no, no. I don't know how they cheated the grades I don't know. I know that they There's different they were these were different cheats one of them Cheated the sat and the act right and then they said they have a learning disability and that they need extra Oh, yeah, that was the other that was one of the cheats is that if you actually do have a learning disability

You can you can get like a solo Extra time for the test right and like one proctor watches you and they don't they bribed that person to have a solo Room and then that guy corrected all the answers the other one There was more levels to it. It was like a real conspiracy where they were paying coaches and Photo shopping pictures off like all kinds of shit. There was one. You I see that took 1.3 million in bribe She's doing 20 years. Yeah, there's nobody who can get her out of that. That's 20 years That's 10 years non-violent. They put your nails in Pasadena. You can't have a bank book no more It's it's

That's what breaks my heart. Listen when I when I was doing my little scam at the university of colorado Yeah, I was a loser. I was a loser and I wanted uh I wanted an education and I fucked around a little bit, but I did the work Yeah, I really wanted and they broke my heart After I got the felony and I couldn't go back on campus. It really did it would have meant a lot to me You know, what if I got a half a college degree something, you know But I gotta look at you guys and tell you I'm a criminal. I've never cheated on a fucking test Maybe like in the sixth grade. I wrote the answers on my hand

But besides that I did the fucking work, you know, I quit high school by junior year my senior year had to quit There was no mommy and daddy had to quit Broke my heart put me in a different category mentally what it does to your psyche. It was just horrible Were you working senior year? No, I was doing whatever I had to do roll a truck load a truck You know fucking paint. Yeah, I was trying to do things work for a bookie, you know But it broke my fucking heart. That's why when I went to aspen I tried to sign up for those night classes And then when I got arrested they forced me to take my gd

Because if you have a gd It counts against your sentence If you don't have a high school diploma, you have points. There's a point system Do you get did you have a job when you got arrested? Did you have a high school diploma? Are you married? There's all these point systems? So when I got arrested my point system was one and a half that automatically puts you in a halfway house But I had a four-year sentence. So you're only eligible for a halfway house at the 18 month point So I still had to do six months

To get it down to 18 months. I had already done two in county. So that counts for four So I pretty much got the prison Eligible for a halfway house. Wow Because I had my gd. I was working at the time in my arrest There's all these different things that you have to fill out To get you you know when you go to prison when you come out. I could have just signed the box and been disabled You do know that no When you go to prison and you come out of prison you claim disability

Really? Yeah, nobody's gonna hire me mental disability. I get 800 a month in a parking spot For the rest of your life. I didn't want to do that. You know how many people do that a lot and they get the food stamps Then they get the other way and they'll walk out of prison with 1200 a month That's all they'll be able to make the rest of their life or work off the books But that's how easy it is you I know in 80s eight it was Maybe now you got a piss in the bottle or whatever to get welfare You can milk it once you get out of prison. You could say that you're disabled, but you didn't want that I was too 30 years old. Yeah

I want I wanted to Never have a ceiling over my head like I could never work for a salary. Yeah, I was always a salesman You know this week we made 16 Next week we'll make eight but the week after that I'll come back with a 2000 dollar week I never wanted a ceiling over my income. That was very important to me But I also knew I didn't want a day job either. Yeah I always knew I didn't want a day job. I wanted to be able to have a job that One year I can make 60 000 and the second year I can make 90

And the third I can make 150 because I controlled my sales Did you did you go to prison by in colorado? It was oh it was there Was in colorado a place called canyon city for diagnostic Where they fucking tap into your head They see what's going on in your head and they do all these testing and then you go to a certain facility Was your prison because it was back? I don't know if it was the same now is that was it all super segregated like like You hear about now. You have me in whites over here Latins over here. It's so weird. It was segregated, but I broke that segregation

Really and I made the guys that hung out with me Break that segregation like it's weird that I'm married to a terry clark Because my best best friend in prison was a guy named john clark who hated blacks chinks spanish jews hungarians

He he was white power. Yeah, but when he hung with me and hang out with three yams Because I ran with three black dudes who I loved and gave my life for So there was a guy that looked like josh potter was a librarian. He looked just like josh potter. Yeah He was a librarian. He was from buffalo new york also. Jesus. Yeah, he shot his wife and the mailman Oh, that sounds like josh potter turned into the fucking it turned into a fetal. Yeah, so our crew was me him john clark Who was like heavy-duty white supremacy, but not really He went between the bikers and the white guys. He had the tattoos and shit

Me and him had visitation together Because we both were supervisors in the kitchen So we wouldn't take visitation on saturdays and sundays. We take visitation on monday Tuesdays so I could eat some pussy Yeah, because then I thought I'd make my girlfriend at the time show up with a dress with no panties on it And you and your wife would be on the other side of the just be two of us If you took visitation on the weekend, I gotta sit next to somebody. I can't finger my wife or nothing But on mondays and tuesday, I was slinging dick eating ass Shooting the load and then she would bring me groceries and I go back to my thing

So me and john were tight. Yeah, then I was tight with a guy named spencer antoine A black dude who fucking uh sliced a guy up and he had a really good attorney So he had involuntary manslaughter. He killed him at a party. Yeah, he was tight with me But the best dude that was my brother was this guy ecchi He was a professional bank robber And if I think back about this, he's the first guy that talked to me about stand-up Really? Like he taught me about throwing your voice. This is a funny story. Yeah, we were talking one night

We couldn't do drugs in there because they drug tested you but you could do acid So we would do acid meet at a certain bunker Me the two black dudes and we would say with john clark and the librarian the librarian was a deep guy He liked doing acid and all this shit. He would talk to you about venus and all this stuff But one day we were talking and this guy ecchi was his name. He's like man My mom I've been in here for two motherfucking long and shit my freezes are slipping And I'm like freezer And he goes, you know my motherfucking freezes

And I don't know what you're talking about and he was telling me that when you go into a bank Or a liquor store and arrive to somebody When how you say freeze Is very important It's got to be very like freeze like it's got to be very intimidating Because if you don't say it the right way people get kind of fucking tough, you know what I'm saying, right, right? And he goes one time me and my brother went into robber bank and my motherfucking brother had a cold and shit And he yelled freeze, but his voice cracked and the motherfucking pulled out a gun and shit

I had to shoot him in the leg. I mean I looked at his police report. He had shot like 80 people this guy This guy was in jail 80 percent of his life, but he was hilarious My freezes are slippers. So he would tell me man. I gotta work on my motherfucking freezes I'm getting out of here like six months and shit. I gotta get back to work. So I go like so what What can I do to help you? Let me know when people are gathered And I can try my shit out on them. You know what I'm saying? It's like what we'll start in the cafeteria first

So he would come in look at me and I go and everybody would be online getting that food And there'd be people sitting and he would kick the door down and go freeze motherfuckers and white people with duck and shit And he would come up to me. I told you I gotta work on my motherfucking freezes and shit So I would wait on saturdays when the black dudes would play dominoes in the laundry room And they'd be listening to fucking who's Whitney Houston's husband. Yeah, bobby brown. Don't be cruel Like I was in prison with that album came out and the brothers would be dancing. They'll be cruel And I would run over to etchy and go etchy. I got like 20 brothers gathered. He goes What the fuck all it I go there in the laundry room

He would march down there to the back door and I go in there in the front Be hanging out with the brothers and all of a sudden the door would kick open And he'd go freeze and all the black dudes would duck and go you black motherfucker You almost gave us a heart attack and etchy would put his arm around me and he'd go Man, if you could scare niggas you could scare anybody And I used to go etchy you killed me and he'd run that drill every fucking Saturday He'd run if if white dudes were cooking he kicked down the door freeze And they were god damn it you again

Let me even come up to me. He's like I'm getting my freezes back up That's one of my favorite stories. I've ever oh my god etchy I'm working on my freezes I'm working on my freezes Yeah, um, by the way, you know potter. Did you know that he can't come? Where Josh potter Can get it up and he can ejaculate with a girl. No tremendous. That's even better

He wants to who wants to come he wants to I want to drill a hole in their fucking eyes that they can't take it no more You know what I'm saying when you're fucking them and they're one eyeballs hanging out And they're like, what are you gonna come and get because I come quick Yeah, I come in a minute So if I could come in right there with you, brother If I could come in 20 minutes and just keep giving your dick going from pussy to asshole to mouth Back to your fucking pushy Drill it back to you. That's what you're doing. That's what you're doing. That's my fantasy if I couldn't come for an hour

Hitting you in the face making you suck it popping it out hitting you. You're like confused You don't know where you're going So he's never come he's right here. He's right there. Talk to him. That's how it usually goes by the way Yeah, that's it. It's an hour of fucking speed, but he he can only come if he jerks off Okay, then when you want to come after the chick is laying there like she got shot in vegas You know what I'm saying? She's laying there. The one leg is hanging You know what I'm saying her mouth was stretched out Her asshole it's still open like a dragon's mouth. You know when you fuck him in the ass

The asshole stays open. Do I and then just laying there drinking milk trying to recoup and shit You're giving them like gatorade. Then you just drink off on the tits and call it a night There you go, man. Why are we even trying to solve this dude? I don't think it's a problem. It's not a problem Yeah, no that joey's convinced me. I mean I want to just mangle some if you told three chicks That you couldn't come that you could give them each dick For an hour You could get all three of them to show up at once and just keep going like don henley style You ever read that book you weren't working this time again. It came out 98 about a hooker

Who wrote about all her experiences and she wrote about don henley that she would go to don henley with all the four bitches And he would sit there in this table like this was his table and that's a fireplace He would make them bend. Don't don't even look at me He wouldn't even let them look at him. Just look towards the fireplace and bend over And he'd do lines of coke and then get up open up his robe and Stick it in you like four times then he'd sit back down again And he'd do a couple more lines and he'd have you there for eight hours Just be your life. This could be your life. Josh. God. I hope so that someday

Yeah, when you like when you when I was younger and I did coke Oh, that was dick for fucking four hours Yeah, you just would give it out dick. They're looking at you like when is this gonna stop? And then when you do come it's one of those long loads Yeah, you ever have those loads like I used to I used to be on probation And there was a dude that was like a gi joe dude that failed the police test But his assistant was a good-looking woman like she was kind of cute if I was dirty She was by 38 nobody talked to her bold because she had like a wooden leg

Like her leg was kind of like she had like that little limp But you could tell the bitch had game like she could suck her cock I would look right in the eyes and I could tell this bitch is deadly But nobody talks to her because of the fucking wooden leg or whatever the fuck she's got you got shot in vietnam I didn't know what happened to her And she was very nice. I forget what her name was. I'd see I'd always flirt with her But what I was doing and I wasn't a probation. I figured out how to fuck with the piss test I'm on circumcised so I would take

Like fucking pool cleaner and put it on my dick and then pull the skin over it And put like a tab over like a bread tab like a like a fucking rubber band And then when I would go pee the guy would watch me and I would Take my thing out and just pee and then pull the skin back and all the pool cleaner Were going to the fucking thing and then I would zap the machine. They would always say to me this motherfucker's up to something So he asked her He goes, maybe you could see what the fuck he's doing

So I would I I knew when I would call and I'll be there at four because they would call you And then you had to call a machine that would tell you what color was up And if the color came up that you let's say your color is maroon and they go today's color is a green maroon and black You have to call in and tell them what time you're coming in You had till five o'clock, but you had to make an appointment And then she'd tell you no no if he answered that means he was gonna watch you while you're pissed But with me they had mirrors around me. They couldn't figure out what I was doing So they sent her and so before I would go and I'd fucking do a half a jerk in the car and get my dick nice and big

Yeah, and then I'd sprinkle it the fucking Pool cleaner pool cleaner or the fucking doesn't stain your dick the pool did I stuck out scars I got little holes into my dick and uh drain. Oh I would grind it up. I would fucking put it under my dick and then pull the skin back And it would fall into the piss test and zap it But before I would piss I would take the hammer out and show it to like what do you think? What do you think there's something nice and she would look at and look around the room And nothing like I knew I was gonna end up sleeping with her or swapping because I flirt with it

Nobody talked to the woman because she had a fucked up leg So I'm off probation. I'm delivering Chinese food. I'm slinging coke at the same time at the chinese restaurant So I would have to I would have you call the chinese restaurant and say I talked to joe Yeah, what's up? Oh, you want egg drop soup? Whatever the cocaine would be hidden under the egg drop soup So if I got in trouble the chinese people got in trouble. I didn't put in the bag. This is when I was out already out of prison One night I knocked on the door and the way it says the door it's her She goes, oh my god, it's so great to see you How have you been like oh, it's great to see you man. I gave her a hug

And I put the chinese down and she goes, what are you doing with your life? I'm getting divorced But I got the stand-up comedy and I'm trying to Deliver food to make a living and she's like, oh, that's so sweet. You you and her broke up Oh, you must need a hug as I started hugging we started swapping spit And I touched a little monkey and I could feel nobody had even touched a monkey in like 10 years Steam started coming And I started fingering that motherfucker like a savage and swapping spit with her and my hand was nice And what and I'm fingering that I got a pinky surrounding the razzle

And I'm working and finally I put it down slowly and I pop a pants. I take a tip out. She's got one big fucking I'm Making out with a finger at the same time So well, I'm fingering and I take her pants down when I go I don't want to see what the other leg is So I took the leg off of the good leg and I left a fucking bad leg coming because I don't want to know what it is If she's got like a pole under there one of those fucked up feet So I picked up a fucking Michael I started eating a pussy the clit fucking was huge. I'm sucking out

Like a peer and like a piece of bubble come on. I look up at it And she's like this Christine like with her mouth open. I know now is the time to put the helmet in that fucking mouth So I switched up. I started two finger Louina and I went around And I put that fucking hammer in her mouth and she didn't know what to do. She's like That was and at that time At that time I was trying to fucking lift weights and shit So I wasn't jerking off because somebody told me that the jerk off that your protein. I was retarded. Yeah, I'm retarded

Yeah, and when I came in the mouth, it was one of those loads Christine that don't stop You have one of those things. I know you're sucking it You're sucking it with your eyes closed And then after a minute you open it up because you're like what is this going to stop And I could look at a swallow in it and it was endless. It was fucking endless. It was just a loaded deck It was like a month and a half and not coming. There was valium in there and xanax and fucking Well, it's a nice thing joey. Thanks for stopping by I shot a load in the mouth and when I took my dick out she went

It was like she drank a gallon of mountain dew. She looked at me. She started getting a little dizzy Oh my god, I was selling valium at the time I was taking like a hundred milligrams of valium a night when I shot in her mouth to put her in a trance She was glassy eyed. She gave me a three dollar tip and I left and I never saw her again She must have ate that chinese for the slept for a week. Oh my god. Oh, you got any dates coming up? You can still get a twitter handle you can still feel what that nut felt like I bet right? Oh, it was like a It was like a three minute nut. Yeah, wait a minute. You didn't even banger. You don't put it in your vagine. No No, no, that's the end of the proceed was tremendous. Oh, okay. Sorry. I blacked out at some point

I didn't listen close once I shoved my tongue in your ass you black out It's like it's like you're 14 and your uncle's lost He's just black out and let happen what's gonna happen anyway This is too good. Oh man, you're gonna take a shower. Fuck it. Uh, joey Diaz Church of what's happening now He needs to go to church after that. You got to see him at the comedy store Go his dates. Where did your web your website? I don't know joey Diaz dot net. You're the best. You're the best So are you guys? I love you so much

Christine you lived that load when I was saying it. That's why I did not It took you back to college. Like I did not I didn't know when you got a bad. Yeah, you see a lot of Hungarian dick Yeah, I like Puerto Ricans. Yeah, you got a bad batch of those plot beneath those sperm where you just kept fucking swallowing Saying this is the worst All right, our closing song by tar is by tarred core fund Joey Diaz everybody, I love you man. I love you guys too for having me Retardation