Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 499-Ethan & Hila Klein-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 15, 2019

Saddle up, mommies! The Main Mommies got horses in the back! It's time for some Pony Play fun! Mommy Tina isn't just a regular mom, she's a COOL mom and she's discovered TikTok. There are some special people on there for sure. Many listeners/viewers have chimed in about Christina's weird lack of drying off and we also have a new Fart Simpson call! Plus, farts, John Travolta and a scandal regarding one of Tom's trademarked phrases! Next, joining us in studio is the duo behind the H3H3 Productions, Ethan and Hila Klein! They talk about their H3 baby that's due any moment and all the pregnancy weight gained by the husbands. Mommy Tina's love for BBC leads to a discussion about racism in pornography and would you rather be blind or have a micropeener? Ball Hogs, plastic surgery and H3's "Instagram vs Reality" controversy all get discussed, plus SO much more!

All right guys, real quick, if you go to MerchMethod.com slash Tom Segura, we have added a bunch of fun new things, the exclusive 2395 hat, exclusive limited signed posters with different designs from Boston, Portland, Chicago, Milwaukee if you didn't get those at the shows, they're in the store now. You can pick them up at an all new from mile to wild the kink shirt, all celebrating the discovery of our good friend RPC. Also, we have added a late show in Winnipeg August 16th. That show goes on sale this Thursday May 16th, but there is a pre-sale May 15th, 10 a.m. local time, you have to use the code word house. The code word is house H-O-U-S-C. That is going to be in Winnipeg. The late show is going to be on sale this Thursday pre-sale Wednesday. Gene? All right, I'm finally announcing the second leg of the ride or die tour kicks off in August in Salt Lake City, Utah, and then I go to Milwaukee, Chicago, Boston, Nashville, Seattle, Portland. It's all there on Christina P. Online. You can buy these tickets pre-sale today, today, today, May 15th, 10 a.m. local time, wherever you are in the world, May 15th, 10 a.m. Use the promo code mommy, go to Christina P. Online for the links to all those tickets for the cities, I said. You're playing all the best places.

All the best. I'm doing Turner Hall, Ballroom, Milwaukee, Talia Hall, Chicago, Boston at the Wilbur, the Neptune in Seattle, Zaneys in Nashville. I mean, come on. It's great. I'm so excited and amazed. That's it. Oh, episode 499. 499. It's fucking morning. We are here doing this pomcast. Pomcast.

Thank you, DeepDink, for this gimme your attention instrumental. We are in the middle of this big tour right now. I'm airware. You can give it a shot and go to tomscure.com slash tour. The next cities I'll be hitting up, Louisville. On the 28th, you might be able to get tickets to that. The 29th is sold out. Pueville. That's right, Pueville. Indy and St. Louis Tits are sold out. Detroit is sold out on June 1st at the Fox, the Chicago Theater. June 2nd, the early show is sold out. There are still tickets to the late show in Chicago. That is June 2nd. So if you haven't gotten, that's my fourth Chicago theater show. Oh my God.

June 13th at the Carpenter Theater in Richmond, Virginia. And then, well, the tour just keeps on going. So I'm all over the place. Tulsa, Wichita, Kansas City on June 30th. And then I go to Appleton, Rockford, Peoria, Cedar Rapids. Just go to tomscure.com slash tour. Check those all out. Of course, hitting Toronto, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Calgary, and heading over to Europe as well. So if you want to see me in Budapest, Berlin, Amsterdam, Antwerp, Paris, London, Dublin. Oh my God. Those are all on sale. Three of those are already sold out. So.

So jellies. Did my tribe early buy in tickets to see? Let's see. Let's see. Oh, I love it. It's working. It's getting there. It'll be, I think it'll be good by the time it's showtime. I'm so excited. I'm at the... What is it called? It's this place.

Tourist for me? That. You did about as good as I did just for the record. I can't see it. This one. Okay. Anything you want to plug, Jean? My butt.

Okay. By this, this airs when this episode? Not tomorrow. No, next week. Oh, never mind. All right. May 31st through June 1st. I'm at Flapper's Comedy Club in Sperm, Bank, California. June 20th through 22nd, Washington, DC at the Dick Come Improv.

I'm going to be announcing some more dates shortly, but we're looking at the East Coast. We're looking everywhere Midwest. I'm hitting it up, bros. It's going real big. All right. See you soon. Okay. Okay.

All right. Let's see what you're doing, Tom. You see that? See how that works? I said that to you. Okay. All right. I see what you're doing. That was a lady.

Oh, I used to work with. All right. Here it is. It's showtime. It's showtime, Gene. Let's do it. Let's go. This chick looks really good.

When ponies put on the gear, it puts them into what they call a pony space. And I see a lot of people that, once they put the gear on, they actually turn into horses. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn when the fuck is there? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzin. Christina Pajitzin. Welcome to your mom's house. Ah. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Never end this shit. My name is Tony and I'm a human pup. This fucking weird shit. This fucking morning shit. These guys. I know.

Ugh. Now, is it a rule that you have to be either morbidly obese or just unattractive? Or hot. Oh, all right. Okay. To participate in any weird animal related fetish. Ugh, man. Because this is...

Ugh. Ugh. God. Ugh. Good puppy. Good puppy. Yeah. Good puppy.

Good puppy. Yeah. Good puppy. Not sexual. It's not sexual. Not at all. This is... People are just doing normal stuff with their dogs and horses.

It's just a normal thing to do. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Hold on. Hold on, puppy. All right, Tony.

Good puppy. Good puppy. Let me close that whole thing. Ugh. You know, I always go back to this. Jesus Christ. It's like, who the fuck has the time to invest in these full-time job of a fetish? It's not a...

It's a healthy lifestyle. You know what I'm saying? These people don't have the kids, the job. You don't got to fucking life if you're doing this shit. There's no way. I think there's a lot of people who are like, oh, it's a weekend. I can finally run around the track. And I can finally shit at the park on the fucking grass.

And they get a break from the kids and they do this shit. I think that's definitely happening for sure. So take your time out while you're at work. Go to a cubicle. Okay. Go to the toilet. Have a fondle. Have a quick sniff.

When you get home, as you take off your underwear, have a very good deep sniff. So your senses get... Got it. Learn what your ass smells like. Learn what your ass smells like. That's so you become a good dog. Don't you feel like you know what your own cock and balls and your own ass smells like? Well, I think this guy's more in tune with it.

I definitely think he's better at it than me. Do I have to train? But he's telling me how to do this. He goes, you know, when you're at work, go into the bathroom stall. At your job. And that's when you're going to put your hands under your nose. Because you can train your nose. You can train it to be sharper.

So he's saying, you know, if you want to have an acute sense of smell, you've got to work with it. Write some stuff from psychology and philosophy. No, you didn't. And also from kinesthetics and safe working. Not philosophy. I write college. So putting that all together, I've become a trainer. This fucking guy who's saying this, that's the same guy that just like he was making it sound all academic.

Yeah. And now he's like, run your finger along your fucking asshole and learn what that smells like. The importance here as a pup is odor. I'm going to throw up. Yeah. How many people do you think right now listening are at their job? And then they're like, I'm going to go in the bathroom and I'm going to run my fingers in the crack of my ass. I'm going to practice.

I'm in pup training right now. And for sure. How nasty are people's hands like doing? Yeah. Now people's hands are nasty. Do you ever like just, you know, somebody goes to shake your hand? No, thanks. Where's that hand been?

I think about that all the time. After I shake people's hands at shows, I immediately go wash immediately. And it's not from some weird Howie Mandel thing. It's just like howie Mandel. It's just this disgusting pool of human. Yeah. Howie is a famous germaphobe for people who don't know. Like he really would not want to get involved in pup play.

Hell no. Let's learn more about this pony festival. Because it looks like there's a horsey pulling a pretty big cargo right there. She is an enormous passenger. Let's go where people compete in events and classes just the same as real horses do. Get it! Get it! Get it!

Get it! Get it! So that's pretty competitive, huh? Yeah, so they're like go on girl and she's doing the head movement. Like horses, she's got a horse mask on. My favorite is that her rider is struggling to keep up, it looks like. She's running away from them. She's running away.

You know why? Why? Because people can't keep up with horses. Yeah. That's true, Tom. Horses are way faster. But she's wearing a corset, which is probably hard for a horse to run. Yeah, horses don't normally.

Yeah. Well, he's also wearing a bondage harness, which probably makes it hard to run too. Yeah, you should be wearing like a jockeys outfit. And a leather skirt. Yeah. These events are very competitive. Just like a regular horse show event, we end up with some crashes and wrecks. Is that?

People go down over and dumps. Is that bubbles from the trailer park, boys? I think it looks like bubbles. It's Christ. Look at this. Can you describe? He's got a mustache, glasses. He looks like he works in accounting.

You know who he kind of looks like? Office space. I was thinking the Green River killer. You know, Gary Ridgway. Can you look up Gary Ridgway? No, he looks like Melvin, like the Swing Line stapler. Pull up Gary Ridgway. I think that's his name.

And tell me if they don't look pretty. Oh my God, you're right, Gene. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Right? Yeah, dude. Oh my God. Perfect.

Look at that. With the glasses? Yeah. Fucking guy. Not a nice guy, by the way. No. What did he do? He killed like 50 women.

Just women. Yeah, maybe more. Don't you wish he'd kill people interested in dressing up as horses? One time he brought his son with him. I like that you know so much about these people. It's really cool. I watch the documentary. I know.

When I'm sleeping, so I get to hear it all. It's in your subconscious mind. And your subconscious, by the way, keeps it. Yeah, I know. All these fun dreams I get to have. You're going to have some Gary Ridgway dreams. I don't like this. Can we go?

Okay. This shit is so annoying to me. Can we show Dr. Drew? We've shown him this nonsense, right? This was actually Dr. Drew found this clip and gave it to me to prep for last week. I mean, that episode won't air for a while, but Drew gave this to us to prep. Wow. So this got on his radar before it came out.

Wow. The tables have turned. Also, he tapped out about a clip or two into this seven-clip series. Really? So he's like, this is nonsense. Yeah, he doesn't have the stomach yet. No. He'll get there.

He'll get there. He's in his own pop training. So yeah, let's keep watching Gary here and see where this goes. Gary, is that his name? Before show event, we end up with some crashes and wrecks. Oh, some of the first crashes. People go down over and jump. Ooh.

That looks like that. The competition gets pretty crazy sometime. Oh, shit. When Pony's put on the gear, it puts them into what they do. Do you think they ever, like, the person's horse is like, oh, my leg. And they're like, shut up, you fucking horse. Yeah. Like, horses don't talk.

And they're like, no, no, no. Seriously, like, I think I pulled something. Shut the fuck up. And they just keep hitting them. Whipping it? Yeah. Do they put horseshoes on their feet, too? Yeah.

Hammer them in. That'd be great. She's got some nice ones. Right. She's got those big renfair tits, huh? Yeah, I like that. That stupid outfit. These people love the renfair.

You know what I'm talking about? She's dressed like she's in the Renaissance period. Yeah, yeah. Give me, like, what is it? A fucking, what is it, a chalice or something? Yeah. She wants, like, the big, the leg. You know, when you go to medieval times and they give you the stupid rack of leg thing.

What's that called? Yeah, a chalice. A goblet? A goblet. Yeah. Put that goblet between those big fat tits of hers. Pour it down the middle. Look how milky and full those are.

They're so big. They call it a pony space. And I see a lot of people that, once they put the gear on, they actually turn into horses. They actually turn into horses, yeah. The bit in his mouth, it's like a ritual between us. He needs that transition to get into head space. And I can feel through the bit when he actually kind of changes from, like, human space to, like, pony space.

Wow. I want this in my life. He looks, by the way, he looked like that, that, if you scroll back a frame or two. When I put the... Um, when he's staying there next, yeah. Yeah. See the way those eyes of his are kind of... Uh-huh.

Dead. Yeah, not just dead, unaware of the space around him. Yeah. There's usually a term for... Like, someone that makes a TikTok video. Because I follow a lot of people on TikTok similar to this. TikTok's really bringing in a special crowd. We'll talk about it later.

Um, yeah, this is kinda... Uh-huh. Space. Look, as I found for us during play, if I just put him in the gear and then we go and immediately do it, it doesn't give him time to transition into head space that allows him to express himself as a pony. Uh-huh. When I'm doing pony play, I'm pretty free and wild.

I keep the card. Wait, do you think for the interview they could have taken the mask off for audio purposes? No, no, no, no. Yeah, I'm good, good, good, good. When I'm doing pony play, I'm pretty free and wild. I keep the card. Huh? What?

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Really, we just try to give him a really hard time, so they really have to try to keep us to obey, but anyway, it doesn't work in their favor. Yeah. He's saying he's a rebellious horsey. He's a wild horse. I see it.

So, you actually do a good horse. Ready? Yeah, do it. Yeah, yeah. And then... Yeah. Ah! Are we gonna do this or what?

Are we in it? Hold on, Tom. I have to get into my pony space. That's really good. Wow. I'm a rebellious pony, Tom. I mean, a horse probably knocked down this whole set. But you have to dress like a fat goth chick to be the passenger.

I think that's the rule. You have to be like a heavy horse. Like, oh, that's good. You wanna check that out of your mouth for this human part? Look at his tail. Where do you think that tail is? I know exactly where that tail is. That's why it feels so good.

That's why we keep doing it. It feels great. He's so fired up. It feels great to do it that way. So, take your time out while you're at work. You know, I really wish he wouldn't be so judgmental. This guy's got a tail right now. Oh, hold on.

Hold on. I'll be okay. You know what, though? That's how you get that tail. Tom, we're supposed to stop shaming people and we're supposed to be inclusive. That's true. And accept everybody's activities. Well, I do.

I mean, I don't know what then to stop doing it, but come on, man. We're not supposed to be like, look at you. You fucking idiot. Oh, no. That's the whole point. Yeah. I mean, to do the documentary, I think what bothers me is they don't have any kind of shame about it.

They're like, what happened to shame? Just a little bit. I guess it's no different than like armpits or something, right? I mean, someone's into this. No, this is different. This is different. This is elaborate. I think the amount of...

So involved. That's what really bothers me is how much work goes into some nonsense like this. Like being an armpit sniffer, that's super easy. But this is like being a piss drink or even super easy. You got to buy all this gear. You got to find the thing to be carried in. It's a lot. The harnesses and the thing, the bridle, whatever.

It's a lot. Oh, that's really involved. To jack your dick to this knot. By the way, you got to spend money to bust knots with this too. That shit ain't free. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. These people are not millionaires.

No. Well, we don't know that. We don't know. No, they're not. I don't know. No. They're not rich. No.

They're spending this instead of shit they should be buying. It's like fucking rents coming up again. But I got these harnesses. Right. Yeah. I got to keep my harnesses shiny. Well, you know, you could just not buy a horse harness. Yeah.

Okay. Then what? Then I'm a fucking stupid horse without a harness. That's a good point. That's the logic. Because these people don't look wealthy. You're right. They're prioritizing things a little differently than we would.

You're trying to tell me that's not a billionaire. What? Uh-oh. Did you get it? This is for the people. The people's mic. Wow. That YMH fart mic Twitter account is really going to celebrate.

Somebody started a fart mic account and they keep tabs on the farts and a running tally and... Yeah, that's good. Anyways, speaking of, I mentioned TikTok earlier. I'm not a regular mom. I'm a cool mom. And just so you know, I've taken to TikTok. It's my new thing and I'm on there and there's a lot of mentally disabled people on TikTok.

But here's the deal. I follow them and I like their stuff. So I'm like supportive, you know? You are completely retarded. There's a lot of our words. I don't know why on TikTok. I don't know what the lure is, but it's really interesting. So I've been on there a lot.

I send you my highlights. I send you my fave. You sent me the worst fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It is such a depressing... What's going on on TikTok? First of all, for those of you who don't know, it's meant to be an app where you play like a snippet of a song and then people do like a dance or they sing along to the song. That's all I'm seeing when you send me like...

And there's also like a bunch of like... Not like fat people, like 500 pound people laying on beds like... And then a fucking song flip plays and they go... This is who you really are. Yeah, it's the best. A lot of underbites. A lot of underbites. A lot of no teeth, but a lot of toothless.

My favorite is there's that one song. If you see me on the street, something bitch, get out of my way. And a lot... Okay, so here's what I see a lot of... And you got that drip, drip, drip, drip. Hey, Julie. Heard you got that drip, drip, drip, drip. Yeah, you got a lot of... But what I see a lot of is a lot of white people with a lot of no teeth and a lot of their eyes are very far apart. I don't know what region of the country that is.

Yeah, that's not a regional thing. It's not? I don't think so. Like maybe like the south kind of? Well, maybe. I see a lot of those and like... I saw you sent me one whose eyes are maybe three millimeters apart. I mean, she's like...

Girl! Hey, Julie. Heard you got that drip, drip, drip, drip. Is this a fucking... Is that what that is? Is that a TikTok? That's a thing that you sent me a while ago. Hold on, let me bring it up. Because I mean, he does do really good covers.

Is he on TikTok? I don't know what this is. Well, anyways, there's a few that I follow that are genuinely talented and I put them on my Instagram stories. He's not on TikTok. He does. I'm Rob Gutierre from Britney and Bobby Brown. I'm going to do Britney's version. Thank you.

Alright, here it goes. People can take everything away from you. But they can never take away your truth. But the question is... Can you handle mine? I'm Quincy. I mean, it's... I really don't care.

It's okay. He should be on TikTok. They say I'm crazy. They might give him a premium account if he jumps on. Because this is all the criteria. I'm going to get a TikTok video. I'm prerogative. They say I'm nasty.

But I don't give a damn. Is this a hospital room? Is that where he is right now? I'm not sure. It looks like flowers are sitting around for his nana or something. I don't know why there's so many fucking flowers. I think it's a harness on the floor too. Like a leather harness.

Oh, good. On the right. No, this guy's a primo TikTok candidate. He should have an account if he doesn't already. This is the kind of stuff I watch on TikTok. It's really cool that he was able to conceive of this. And then the execution of the song in the movements. Man.

Don't you know who I could see doing this if they made an effort? Is Josh Potter. I feel like if we get him that shirt and those jeans and we just go, here's the song. Hold the phone. They say I'm nasty. Give us your best. I feel like he could do it. I think we're good.

I love it. I love it. I live for this shit. Do you know that I love it? My first ever probably only sing along. I've said it on the show before was when we were probably nine or 10, we went to a theme park and they had a booth where you could pay to sing along to a popular song. And then they give you a recording of it.

So I went into one of those. With two friends, like my cousin Brian and somebody else. And we did my prerogative. And here's the thing, you're all around one mic. And I mean, we're all singing, but I guess I'm singing harder. So when you play the tape, you just hear me. It's just Tommy. Yeah.

And I'll just say this. Not good. Is it better than that guy? But I mean, I was like putting everything I had in there. Yeah, you were a performer. You hear Bobby in your ears when you're doing it. So you're like, it's pretty bad. Do we have this tape still?

Fuck no, we don't have this. Oh, come on. I would love to hear it. Yeah, it's pretty good. Now also, I'd want to point out that the Tik Tok app has lots of genuinely talented people. Like that's how I learned all these cool dances, like the Hey Julie song, or I learned the baby shark remix. Do you know that one?

Anyway, they do these cool dances. Are you learning those dances? I'm learning all the dances. I'm taking time to do Tik Tok. And also, I've become cool too. I've become cool too? Did you just say that? I've become cooler than I've been ever.

I've been listening to Billie Eilish. You've heard of her? She's cool. She is cool. Very in. I can't believe she's like 17. Dude, she's hiding. She's like, I'm a bad guy.

That sounds like a grown ass woman. Dude, she's amazed. I know. She's a kid. No, she's a kid and she's so talented. Yeah, she is. And I know what I like about her. She's kind of spooky.

She's not like a regular girl. She's kind of like a weird girl. Yeah, yeah. And she dresses like a fucking weirdo. I'm a bad guy. I love her. Anyways, cool report. I'm cool and you're not.

Okay. Great. Cool report. And the other day, Big Daddy Kane commented on one of my Instagram posts and he was like, he told me how cool I was and Annie Letterman and I took a picture together. He goes, y'all are cool. Yeah. Okay.

Well, just so you know. What are you into these days? I messaged him to do that for you. Don't lie. I was like, can you give her a little boost? Don't lie. I did. Well, what are you into that the kids are into?

That's cool. Oh, I like my, I work on my wraps and you know, I got jewelry. I'm wearing cool stuff. Adidas sent me a grip of shit. I saw. I love them. Shout out to Adidas. I was in Portland.

By the way, my shows in Portland and Seattle were the dog's tits. Thank you everybody who came out to those. They were amazing. But when I was in Adidas, they invited me to stop by and like tour. What's it like? When you say you stopped by Adidas, are you going to like the offices? Yeah. Headquarters.

Or is there a factory? No, no. There's US headquarters in Portland. Wow. I'm so jealous. And they gave me a really cool tour. The nicest people. Thank you, Jordan, Jacona and John.

The 3Js. The 3Js. They, they really showed me like, I don't know, it's so cool. Like seeing how they, there's different departments here. So how they, the concept department and then there's like secretive areas and then you see how they lay out, you know, from, from design to actual execution of it. And, you know, you see the, what's it called? Like the, the trial one, you know, we're like, oh, we tried it with this.

Like a prototype. Yeah. Like a prototype. Exactly. And anyways, they, it just was really cool. And then they're like, oh, we're going to send you some stuff. And then you saw what arrived. They sent you boxes and boxes of cool stuff.

Yeah. All their latest. Very cool. You're shit's so dope. Look at me. I'm obviously, I'm huge. I've been a fan my whole life. Let me see your kicks, bro.

Oh, those are like, cool dad stretch. Cool dad sounds. And then you farted this morning. I went into the bathroom and I heard it sounded like it sounded like someone puked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I thought for a minute the dog had vomited.

Yeah. What is that? That was a fart. That was a fart. The greatest people liked that tagged onto like the cool plug. They're like, oh, there's a cool plug. And then you're like, when you farted today. Well, it's called being on brand, Tom.

It's true. We are on brand. But anyways, I wanted to say thank you to them because I was very happy. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Well, I wanted to point out, I mentioned briefly on our last episode or two that I have decided to start drying myself off thoroughly in the shower. And it's a brand new thing I've been doing.

I know the backlash has been tremendous. It's been like, it's worse than WipeGate. I feel like it's a very polarizing topic in our world, our community. I am so happy that that has happened. What's happened? That people are basically learning that for years, people have been saying, you know, oh, Tom's crazy. Tom's a psycho.

He likes his coffee a certain way. But he likes his coffee. That's how you're going to reduce that whole argument. But gosh, people lean into that. But then the thing is, it's, you know, it's, it's kind of theatrical. Then Christina shares a real life thing that she thinks is just, you know, throwaway comment and everyone's like, that is a through and through psychopath. I mean, she obviously is void of emotions, has no remorse, doesn't have empathy.

All these things line. Okay. Well, here's what the fans. Oh, okay. Well, I've gotten many tweets of support. So, yeah. So here's, um, for people that don't know, Christina revealed a week ago that, um, she just started drying off after showers with owls because, wait, wait, let's be clear

about something. I cannot believe I never noticed this, but she said she's been getting dressed wet for 40 years. 42. I'm 42. Here's what happened. I, I'm not saying I don't dry off at all. What I do is I wrap the towel around me under my armpits and then I pat, pat, pat, and I

will leave my shoulders wet and my legs wet. And then the rest of me is kind of, you put on wet socks, wet jeans and I would just get angry and full of it until I know it's so stupid and then have you told your therapist this one? No, I will. This is a good one. I know. I don't know.

I might leave it. She might be like, we can stop doing these sessions now. Because I've started drying myself. Yeah. She's probably like, oh, that's, that's the root of your anxiety or anything you're upset about. Yeah. But I've tried, like, okay.

So Blueban, you suggested tell me, tell the audience what you told me. Yeah. So about like a year and a half ago, uh, I was introduced to the bathrobe lifestyle. Yeah. You get out of the shower, you dry off a bit, and then before you put on clothes, you just put on a bathrobe. I've tried this. No, no, no.

But I think you told, what is your bathrobe made out of? Okay. Made out of towels? Cause it's like, the one you're talking about, it needs to be like a towel robe. Yeah. It's pretty much like a towel robe made with sleeves on. Like a hotel robe. Cause I've been, I use this brand called Barefoot Dreams and it's like a super soft

ug type of thing. Yeah. That's not towel. And I understand. That's the problem is I've been doing that and I'm like, I'm still wet. No, you need a robe with function that's absorbent. Right. Exactly.

Okay. Let's, let's talk about what some of the listeners are saying. So here we go. Hey Christina, a huge fan of the show. Just wanted to say you, you aren't associated because you don't towel down after a shower. I don't either ain't nobody got time for that. Although I will do toes, butt and pits. Okay.

The rest can air dry or, or just about when you're in a damp country like the UK, I say to each their own, I knew someone who wouldn't use a towel, but a hair dryer to dry themselves. I like that. Best wishes, Sarah. All right. Well, she's out of her mind. Thanks Sarah. Todd and Christine, it was upsetting to hear all the hate Christine was getting for not

drying off. This is something that I have done my whole life and believe this to be completely normal. Yet all the staff here at the insane asylum where I live thinks it's totally crazy. It amazes me that out of all the people here who seem to be bothered by wet socks and unnies, I'm the one who is court ordered to be here when all I did was cook my parents into a stew and eat it. Guys, you're clearly selecting these slanted emails. Do you know what I mean?

That was from Joe. Um, no, people are, Hey friends, I just wanted to show a little support for Christina regarding towel, gotsy. Um, towel, like Benghazi towel, gotsy towel, gotsy, uh, as stupid as I know it is. I blaze on past the drying part of the showering. I do about 33% of tallying off. Yeah. My wife constantly berates me for being damp for the hour following a shower.

My shirts have wet spots an hour after I put them on. Thank you. It's a minor inconvenience. I've looked past my whole life. Regardless while I usually have unwavering support for Tom and all aspects of life, this struck too close to home regards damp Sam. Thank you damp Sam. Um, someone else wrote.

Finally, there was someone out there like me. I literally get out of the shower, put my hair in a towel and wrap a towel around me. Yes. No drying off. Yeah. My husband who has already showered and is getting ready to go downstairs gently wipes the water off my shoulder before he heads down. That's nice.

I wish I would have that. Fuck. Do I now have the energy to dry off? Ugh. Janna. I mean, but then, you know, wait, can you gently wipe the water off of my shoulder? Christina, listen, you're always damp. You need to get your shit together.

Jake. Uh, mommies, my wife is a psycho like Christina. No showering. I mean, it seems to be like all women doing this shit. It's a lot of women I found. Um, I figured she was the only one, but when I heard Kristen say she did the same thing for 40 years, it gave me very little hope for the future. Anyways, Tom, just want to let you know you're not alone, John.

So I mean, there's a lot of messages in here. These were all the ones, uh, with regards to Christine's r-worded habit of not drying herself after a shower. My dumb ass roommate does the same thing. He believed his room wearing clothing that has been soaked through the water. It is so fucking stupid. I can't believe Christina has been doing this her whole life. Piss on me and beat me, John.

You got it. Yeah. And there's a lot of messages. I mean, this is just pages of messages, you know, Tommy, I think it's time to start planning for Dalmatian wife number two, Christina is surely a sociopath and I fear for you and the boys. So after shower, lack of drying off was one thing and now enjoying sweating in the sheets. Oh, I love sweating.

I'm hoping, I'm hoping you're able to read this in time if she hasn't snapped. I love it. Keep rocking that ice around your neck, Frank and Buffalo. Can I tell you? It's just like so many people. I love getting under the comforter even in the summertime and I like to sweat. I think it's good for you to sweat because you wake up purified. Now I will let you guys know as a towel drying update, I've been slacking.

I've been lazy. Like I started to and then today I actually caught myself back to my old ways and I was getting dressed and I noticed that my shoulder was wet and I was like, oh, I need to tell off more, but I've been slacking and all honesty. So I kind of had to go back to like being conscious of doing it. It's just, it is deeply troubling. That's all I'll say. It's deeply troubling.

I would rather you tell me we're going to start doing pup play and pony play and go back to not drying off. Yeah. I'm not going to go back. I want to say this real quick. You know, this kind of bothered me the other day. So a few days ago, I just, you know, you can tweet out something that it's one of your lines.

Yeah. You've said before, right? I mean, you just have lines from your act or from life, right? Sure. Like for a damn homie, people know that's my jam. That's there you go. I'm a damn homie. So the other day I tweet out one of my throwbacks.

I mean, this will be a very familiar line to you. I tweeted out, show me how those big tits fart. Which I've been hearing you say to me for 10 years now. And for the diehards, the people who've been listening to this podcast for a long time, they know that that's, I mean, at least five or six years old. Oh yeah. You could probably dig through old episodes and find it. Now it came to my attention that like a year ago on one of those Tinder Instagram, they

do like Tinder disasters where they do screen grabs of conversations that people send in. One of the ones that people, someone sent in is that somebody wrote, show me how those big tits fart, right? And somebody had responded to them. So I looked in the comments when I got tagged in it a bunch and they were like, oh, it's Tom Sagar, Tom Sagar. And I was like, whatever. But then when I tweeted it, somebody was like, oh, that's, that's a Tinder line that you

took. What? I was like, no, that is not. So I want to do a full investigative report. As you should. And I want to find the first time that that was said on the podcast. Now, hold on. You mean to tell me that somebody on Tinder is claiming that that's their line?

I think that they just, somebody on Tinder just said it, right? And they didn't say their source. I mean, obviously they heard it from me. What I'm saying though is that now somebody is saying to me, oh, you took that line. Like, oh, that's cool. You're a fan of the Tinder conversations, right? And I was like, no, no, no. So wrong.

I need some help with the homework. If anybody, yeah, I mean, like they're basically, you know, they're stealing. They're stealing a brilliant, brilliant line of mind. That is right. This is, this is, here's the deal, man. Is that first of all, you are the originator of the double pipe classic. That's right. That is, it's in the Urban Dictionary.

That is a Tom. And I don't know if I get credit. You're not, because I've looked it up. And I definitely came up with that one. And show me how those big tits fart. That is vintage Tom Segura as well. And I, I can't believe anybody. Look, here's double pipe classic.

I don't know if you're credited here. Yeah, I don't know if I am. Can you read that? I can't read them. Just far. I can't. It is a rare occurrence when you are blessed enough to both burp and fart at the same time. Shit.

Washing down that double beef and bean burrito with Coca-Cola gave me the double pipe classic. Most men are only lucky enough to have that, but a few times in their life. And you're not credited. I'm not credited. You're not credited. It kind of, you know, it's like Hemingway gets his credit, you know, and it's like kind of weird that here I am creating these things that are obviously finding their way into pop culture.

And then there's no public record of that. Yeah. It's, it's, I'm not going to lie. It is. It's hurtful. It is. I created it. It's like writing a song or something.

It's like somebody taking your photo and then changing it and claiming it as theirs or something on Instagram. Yeah. So anyways, if anybody out there, any of our listeners who are like really well versed, you know, some of the, the eight, nine year listeners can be like, you know what, I feel like you first said it around this time. Let us know. Send it in.

Show me. Let's show these people that they can't just steal our intellectual property. And um, you know, I'm very proud of double pipe classic and I'm even prouder of show me how those big tits fart. I'm trying to remember the first time you told me, oh, it's, I, I can't even remember. I mean, I want to say, show me how those, I feel like I said it to you and then you were like, Hey, it probably was something like you're like, what was that nice thing you said to me the other day?

Yeah. I mean, so I said it in our personal life first, I want to say show me how those big tits fart happened after I had our first kid. So maybe back in 2015 when I had big, big, big milkers, 2015 breastfeeding, and I want to say it's around the time where I was like, oh, my tits are so big and you were like, show me how those big tits fart. Yeah. I don't know.

When I had big, mushy purples. It's, it's one of those devoted listeners that are going to find it. Yeah. Cause it's around. Yeah. That's not the blue band saying that sounds like, I think it's around the time I had mushy purples. And you, when I was talking about them, I think it could have been, and it's, he says

he's wanting to start working with us. I think so. I think it could have been even like before you gave birth though, when they were getting real new. Show me how those big tits fart. Yeah. That's how you used to say it. And the color brown, you used to say something like, I forget.

It's mushy purples related, he thinks. Yes. Yeah. Well, look, it's just, it's something we're going to have to, I'm not going to be railroaded like this. Correct. Yeah. It's not okay.

It's not okay to just abuse somebody, you know what I mean? Right. It's your intellectual property. That's what I'm saying. And it is intellectual property. Yeah. If you know what I mean. And just to be clear, very proud of that expression.

You should be. Yeah. Show me how those big tits fart. That's how you used to say it. Wait, say it again. Show me how those big tits fart. Fart Simpson has done amazing prank calls for us. Yeah.

Another one where this is, this really made me laugh because he used me, and I called a magic shop in Australia. Oh, cool. It's pretty, it's pretty amazing. You want to hear it? Yeah. Here it is. Here we go.

Good afternoon. Hey, buddy. Hello. If your belly button was a real button and you could push it once a day to make anything happen, what would it do? Hmm. Trick question. Gosh, I'd have to think carefully about just spontaneously answering.

I have to think of something really clever. If you could have any two people fight in a no rules cage match, who would you choose? Any two people? Yeah. Oh, well, I don't know. Well, you'd have to ask me first about fighting. Which, first of all, I'm not sure whether that's a good thing to do anyway. How much money would it take for you to not know how to read?

Oh my God. I'm afraid that reading is priceless, really. A hundred million? Yeah, I don't know. I don't think it's got a price tag. I have a hundred million dollars. Here's a thousand dollars to read this shit to me. Right?

Well, I suppose, yes, so you could do that, you could do that, but then I'd have to trust people. Would you rather every time it comes out of your mouth or it's two liter bottles worth of... What? No. Definitely not out of my mouth. Everyone would die.

Every guy that wears a fedora is a piece of shit. Right. I would like to see Garth Brooks take on my slut wife. Sorry, Garth Brooks take on who? My slut wife. He's pretty. My friend fucks my wife and comes in her. Really?

Yeah. Twice. She's just a total deviant. Okay. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and then be like, I gotta go. Okay, is there a point to the conversation question? Yeah. And what might that be?

I come buckets. You want to see a lot of jizz. I got it. I could see all kinds of problems with that. Oh, let me list the many ways that that would be a problem. I'd take it for a ride. Sure. Okay.

Okay. Probably not. Well, you know... Or you want to help? You want to get involved? I got one right here. Yeah. All right.

We got a splitsy. All right. I'll catch you later. Bye. Wow. I apologize a lot. Okay. Thank you, Clark.

My favorite. I think it's fartsimson.bandcamp.com. So funny. You know what I love is when the victim laughs. Yeah. And then you laugh along. He's like... He's like...

He's like... He's like... He's like... He's like... He's like... He's like... He's like... And then you laugh along.

He's like... He played a drop of me going like... Yeah, that was the best part. Yeah, that was great. And also, that person is a maniac for just rolling along with that whole conversation. I know. Who's like... She lasted two and a half minutes before she was like...

Is there anything you want to ask? That was a woman? Yeah. Oh. You didn't think that was a woman? That was a guy. Really? Yeah.

Do you think that was a guy? Oh, really? I thought that was a woman. Maybe with a pronoun. Maybe play a little bit more of it. Let's get under... Really? It's a guy.

It's like an effeminate man, I think. Sounds like a gay guy. Really? Yeah. About just spontaneously answering. I have to think of something really clever. Yeah. I hear some bass in there.

It sounds really clever. It's a husky Australian woman. No. No? That's a gay dude, bro. I don't know. He's gay. Josh thinks it's a thin man.

A thin man? Yeah, not a husky woman. Okay. I'm going to roll with the husky woman. No. I'd say a thin gay man. I'm going to throw sexual orientation in there. Yeah.

I think she's drier than a dead dingo's carcass, but I think it's a woman. You think it's an old broad? Like an old lady? She's not old. I think she's like... Oh, you think it's like the moose soup lady? Yeah. You guys are doing good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. Yeah. That's what I thought it was. Oh, see, this is an employee at a magic shop. It's definitely a guy. Why is it definitely a guy? Because women don't want to work at a dumb magic shop.

Women love magic. Women are not into magic. It's super lame, bro. I used to brush out magic tricks at parties and girls would just be lining up to go home with me. Get sop and wet, huh? I'd be like... I'd go abracadabra and they were like, ooh, and they'd be taking stuff off.

Like, you don't see any famous female magician. I don't know of any big female. That's because chicks are dumb, but they fucking wish they could do it. Okay. Because it's for fucking dorks, dude. No. Yeah. It's for the fucking hottest dudes.

It is. I love magic, though. I shouldn't shit on it. I love it, but I wouldn't work at a fucking dumb magic store. Okay. Because what kind of dorks are you going to meet there? Are you going to meet any hot guys? You know what I'm saying?

What? Well, you didn't pick a job like that when you were young. You guys are doing good. That's who that was. I picked my places of employment based on the type of dudes I would meet. Really? I worked at Starbucks. I worked at a bookstore in the summers of college.

Because you thought that that would be the right place to meet guys? Hell, yeah. That's where you're going to meet, like, normal people. Smart people at a bookstore, bar stux, camp counselor. You're going to hook up with other camp counselors. Do you would have met the coolest guys at a magic shop? For sure. Guys with ponytail, guys with bracelets, guys with long nails, guys with rings.

Yeah. Guys with velvet coats. Guys with long nails, I think, to me, is the grossest. Oh. We have different tastes. Because you know, I follow Kat Von D on Instagram, and she's married to prayers. The guy in the cholo goth band. That's not his name, but he's in the band prayers.

Okay. Anyway, he's got real long, pointy black nails. Hold on. Hold on. I got a visualizing. Rup. Rup. Rup.

Yeah. That's nice. Lea Farr, that's his name. And I always think about how he finger jams her, because he's got them long nails. It's got her, her cooch. Got to. And then he gets some of those cooch flakes under his nails. Cooch flakes.

Yeah. Stupid. He's got a newborn. You can't be having pointy black nails with a newborn, too. I guess he doesn't care. I don't know. Good for him. Fuck.

You guys are doing good. That's good. That's good stuff. Okay. Can you please bring up John Travolta? I've kind of got the fringe of this movement, but I want to hear you, because I've deliberately not asked you about this off mic. Yeah.

Because I wanted to explain. I've been tagged in some things and people told me to go there. Here's the thing. So for, because people were on Instagram and, you know, a lot of people were, you know, it was funny. This one was on the line where a lot of people, it was a revealing. People would watch it and they would go like, oh wow. And then other people would go, I don't get it.

What are you pointing out? Like what's weird? And like, yeah, they didn't understand. And look, I'm, I understand, listen, Travolta is a great talent. Yeah. Great actor. Dancer. Dancin'.

For sure. Cinematic treasure. I mean, he's done great work. But he's super famous and the theory stays real that if you're really, really famous, something fucking happens. You don't know how to connect maybe with regular folk as much. He's been super famous since the 70s. Decades.

You're thinking, I mean, you're famous at Welcome Back Hotter, which he's what, a teenager? He's famous for 40 years. The majority of this man's life has been internationally famous. Yeah. No joke. Can land anywhere in the world and people will be like, I know who you are. I know who the fuck you are. Yeah.

All right. Here's a little taste. Okay. So he's lip syncing to a song in his house. Okay. I mean, the eyes, the eyes are waiting for a blink. The eyes. About 30 seconds in no blink.

Okay. So there's that one. It's kind of odd. You could be like, whatever. He's singing along to a song. So I get it if you're like, hey, you know, it just looks like you're regular, right? No, it's not. Kidnapping.

I see what you see and I'm when I see exactly what you see. Well, because you know where this is going. No, I haven't seen it. Oh, you haven't. I haven't seen this. I'll tell you something. Let's pull up the next one. No, no, no.

Hold on. Hold on. It's the eye contact is off. It's too much. It's intense, too. Fake smile where the eyes don't match. Here's a real smile. Your whole face lights up.

He's doing the, the half smile, the face, it's the garth. It's garth thingy. Okay. Here we go. Yeah. Kind of kind of Gary Ridgway, right? It's bottom chompers. Do you think he'd fit?

Okay. Okay. Okay. This one is, if you don't understand why this is weird, then let me, let me tell you something. You're off. Right. You don't, you don't understand how anything works.

I just wanted to take this moment to thank each and every one of you for these wonderful comments that I'm seeing online about my posts and they, they do not go unnoticed, so thank you. Huh? What? You know what it is? Okay. I know what it is.

I know what it is. Hello, everyone. Hey. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for these wonderful comments I'm seeing under my posts and it doesn't go unnoticed. Okay. Okay. You fucking maniac.

Here's, here's the deal, man. Here's what's going on. It's generational. Mm-hmm. He and Garth are of similar age. That's true. I think they don't understand how to be natural on social media. There's that.

And there's also the part of him that's an actor. He's playing the part of just a natural guy. And here, this is what I'm saying though, like what I'm pointing out is that when this post stops, that is not how he talks to the person right next to him. He's playing the part of a natural guy right now. Of a nice guy. Of a nice guy. Yeah.

Hey, I'm just singing, Franks. Hey. Hey. And by the way, may I comment him on the decision to go full bald? It looks great. And I'm not all sorry. No sarcasm at all. It looks great.

It looks great on him. He's got a good head. And you know, Tom, you did such a good impression of Travolta a couple of seconds ago. That deep fake account did something nice for us. Yeah. Yeah. Hello, everyone. I just want to take this moment to thank each and every one of you for these dead eyes.

Wonderful comments that I'm seeing online about my posts and they do not go unnoticed. And then another fake account did there. Did you see that? Oh, I didn't. Yeah. The faking also did. So it's like, it's funny because you can see their deep fakes are different, but. You know what it is is that he doesn't emote.

There's no. It's very dead and dead in the face. Same with Garth. Hey, guys. Yeah. It's called the faking. I love Ethan and Ela so much. There it is.

See, his is a little different. Yes. But it's interesting. Everyone of you for these dead eyes. Wonderful comments. I'm seeing online about my posts and they do not go unnoticed. So thank you. Hi, everybody.

I'm just about to land in Ireland. I finished my job in Rome and on my way home. Okay. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Hey, everybody.

And I think too, it's the forced smiling. Hey, guys. Yeah. He's this is the studio where we do the podcast and you like it. Hey, guys. I'm about to land. I did my job and I would not be. I wouldn't be really surprised if they're like, he's got half a dozen bodies.

Yeah. On his property. Well, you know, there's been gossip about Travolta for years. There's been a lot of gossip. Yeah, I know. And let's just say it's related to a certain brand of religion. Yeah. There's, there's something's doing.

Who knows what it is? Yeah. We can only speculate. I don't know. Something's going on. I know. I know what you mean. Just burping to the.

I think we should. That was creamy. Why on each will be right back. You were saying about the gay problem, but hey, so we are back with the return guest who are, they have an enormous following on YouTube. They're YouTube royalty. They're also podcasters. And they are not podcaster royalty, not podcast royalty podcast, podcast, podcast, podcast.

Fringe podcasters. That's true. Let's put our hands. Wait a minute. You forgot friends. These are also our friends. Christina's friends. No, they've been to our home.

We've had dinners to get women to their house, but I've never been corrected like this on an intro before, but feels good. I like a YouTube royalty. Let's just stop there. Yeah. That was pretty good. Everything after that was not that celebratory. Well, the YouTube royalty is a big deal.

Yeah. I like it. Yeah. And don't forget. And they're fashion line. I mean, I was going to get to it. I mean, they're kind of everything. What do you have like a hunter sandwiches before you got here with somebody?

So it is Ethan and Eila Klein. Yeah. You're back. Thank you for it. Well, first of all, this is our first time in the new studio and we think it's fantastic. We owe you a huge thanks. I called you in a panic so that people know I called you in a panic and I was like the guy that was going to help me with the build dropped out.

I don't know what to do. Is that public? That's whole. I mean, I didn't get into the details of it. I don't think I did. This is before McDonald's step literally I the first, you're the first person I call it. I was like, that's nice.

And you thank you very much because you put it up. You put me in touch with TJ at McDonald's. And then you also put me in touch with what your guy, is it Dave? Dan. Dan, sorry. Producer Dan, the sword love. Yo. He's a legend.

He's a technological guru. He was amazing. He's a true gem and an absolute mench as well. Yeah. For people that don't know, I mean, you guys really hooked it up with that. I mean, that we were able to basically pick up right away and then like, yeah, you had the contact at McDonald's and then there was the money to build the space. It was really great.

Yeah. McDonald's is one of our best sponsors. Oh, really? They hooked me up. They feed me on a daily basis, which helps keep me fit and beautiful. And they just, they support us a lot. So. Well, what's your favorite entree item at McDonald's?

So. At McDonald's. Yeah. That's a nice way to put it. Well, it's a restaurant. That's what they prefer. You didn't, you didn't get that in the copy reads and stuff that they prefer you call it an entree.

It's a restaurant. Yeah. They, they give me freedom. I just call it a, I'm sorry. I'm trying to, you guys have this fancy new studio and I'm trying to, I got all these knobs and shit. Yeah. Yeah.

It's fine. Just play with them. Yeah. So I'm just going to play with this knob here. Yeah. How's that going? Okay. I think I'm good.

Sorry guys. Apologies. Your favorite McDonald's entree we were discussing. Um, so the one that I like is the one that is made of two deep fried pancakes. And then in the middle, you have a sausage patty. You have cheese and then they coat it in syrup. It's basically, it shouldn't exist. That's on the menu.

Yes, Hila. The McRiddle. Yeah, the McRiddle. Thank you. I shouldn't be playing. You got the press kit. I mean, this is embarrassing. Yeah.

Yeah. It's called a McRiddle. It should be called a. Corporate is going to give you a call about this shit for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Don't get our shit pulled, man. Sorry.

We've got a baby on the way. You're fucking with our main sponsor. Do you guys have a baby? A McRiddle. It should be called a McStencils in the heart. Yep. Sorry. I just want to finish my off.

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Tom interrupted your thought. Okay. Anyway. But you guys are expecting your first baby jeans. Oh, that's what that is. Yeah.

Congratulations. Thank you. Dude, June 6th. Dude, so soon. Very close. Just around the corner. You're doing, you're picking a gender, you're assigning a gender. We're going to let the baby decide.

That's the best way. We're going to put. You know, I have to tell you, since you guys don't know, it's your first time, a big thing now is to ask permission of the baby if you may change their diaper and give, you know what I mean? Consent. Consent. Okay.

And how do you, how do you register their response? They'll say yes or no. Okay. And if they don't respond, you just let them stew in it. Yeah, of course. Because fuck that. For a year. Okay.

Yeah. Because I mean, that's not, it's not consent. Respect your parents. Yeah. Of course. Don't ignore me. Now, are you guys going to have, I'm assuming a home birth. Or in a tub, you guys are going to invite your family, friends, neighbors, whole foods.

You are. Check out clerks. You're flying people in. McDonald's. McDonald's. Oh, you're going to let corporate sponsors be there. Oh. Yeah.

Of course. You got a cap light. That is cool. We were thinking of doing a meet and greet when the baby's born and turning six hundred ahead. Why don't you do it, do it like a three camera shoot and do it on YouTube live, you know? Like a Braco? You guys know Braco?

Of course. The Hazer. Of course. We talked about that. Okay. Yeah. Just because we found out that you guys know. That's right.

When we were at your house. Yeah. Yeah. We saw Carapzo. Wait. Have you guys talked about Braco on the show? A million years ago. It's been years.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The gaze of miracles. The gaze of miracles. Yeah. We thought about dressing me up as Carapzo, his brother. Oh, Carapzo.

And Carapzo stares into the crab but then jerks off on everybody and then it heals them, you know? The spunk of miracles. The spunk of miracles. Yeah. And the gaze. Braco just watches and masturbates. I got to tell you, there were people asking for that tour.

They were like, we want it. Yeah. Well, they also wanted gum gum, which was our other proprietary idea of putting different ethnicities of giz inside the middle of a chewing gum. Like choules. Remember choules? Yeah. Maybe like Asian choules.

McDonald's is down with this kind of because actually the problem is not that it's vulgar. It's a competing product. That's true. No. What does it really taste about as good as their McGrittle? To be honest, we can talk all the shit we want about McDonald's now because they're out of the picture. I'm so glad you said that because I have to tell you guys, Ronald touched me as a child.

Really? No. I know it. Yeah. He got red lipstick. The clone? Oh my God. All over my baby.

Yeah, it's tough to talk about. It's tough to talk about. Yeah. I understand. Was that at a church? You didn't even want to know what, who's that big purple guy? Oh. No, I know what you're talking about.

Grimace? Yeah. I think it's Grimace. Grimace? That's the millennial, yeah. Grimace, that's right. So, well, that guy, you don't even want to know what he did. Really?

Yeah. Was it with your other purple part? Yes. Yes. So now you're naming your child, this is public knowledge. You've released the name right? Yeah. Yes.

Which is? Theodore. Cute. Love it. When I was pregnant with our first son, Tom and I would go eat and we would order two entrees and then like a dessert with breakfast. So we would order breakfast, breakfast, and then pancakes for breakfast. Are you guys on the gaining weight together tour?

Okay. You want to take this one? So like, I would say the first six months I was like, oh man, she's loving food, I'm eating, I was going crazy dude. Yeah. I gained like 30 fucking pounds. Really? I'm so scared of dying now, and so I'm kind of like off it now.

It was fun, but I actually scared myself because I gained so much weight so fast and I've never been fatter in my life, and it's actually scary. Yeah. I don't even know how, like we were just eating maybe a little more than usual. No, not to you. I'm like you, I got the fattest I've ever been. It was scary, I scared myself. Do you think my first pregnancy was the fattest you've ever been, honestly?

Yeah. Tell me the numbers. Because I gained like 60 to 65 pounds on my first pregnancy. Oh fuck. That's a lot. By the time? By the time? How much was the baby weight?

Twenty? No. Maybe. I think. Fluid? 12? No, no, no. Does it really weigh 20?

Like when you shit everything out? Yeah. With fluid and stuff? 10, 15? And placenta. But it's like 15 pounds, the rest is like blood volume and fat, and fucking fat. But you got to get some big ass, like baby, you got to get some big titties, basically. Huge tits.

Eelist tits are fucking like massive, bro. It's insane. It's crazy, dude. I'm sure she loves it. It's fine. Well, I'm sorry. It's just, it's hard to. I remember I was buying buckets and I was like, you know, lean over the bucket, let's

try to actually milk you. Look at these babies. These swollen glands. I mean, she looks like a natural, natural geographic show with some like African low-swinging titties. I mean, not low, but like swollen. Way until the baby comes out and then she starts breastfeeding, it's going crazy. Yeah, not a good reference.

You know what, and when you watch natural-grade graphic shows, you're watching like, yeah. Rational rare graphic? National geographic shows and you see these African tribes, because they just have so many babies. And these women have like these, and their tits are always out, so they have like, they're like tits out and they're just like fricking like low-hanging sweet chariots. Yeah. But yours aren't low.

But that's because of breastfeeding and they'll deflate after it's really neat because we weighed my tits actually. How? On a food scale. You forced them on a scale? Yeah. Nice. And it was like two and a half pounds each when I was like in the heat of it.

Big ol' sloppers, man. Big slops. Yeah. And the nips get all, you know, thick and yeah. Yeah. But how fat did you get with Alice? Let's talk about it. Well, here's the thing.

I don't remember how fat I was at his birth. I remember that like six months later, I got on a scale, I was like, this is the fattest of everything. That's what I had. I had a existential dread when I got on the scale. Yeah. But when you, if you at least recognize it, but now, like I didn't even put it together. Oh really?

No, I was having like 5,000 calorie days every week. Oh my God. I was so hungry. I was so hungry when you're pregnant. It's like being high all the time. You just want to eat. We would have breakfast and then dessert for breakfast every day. So amazing.

It's so fun. Actually, I was delusional because I was working with my Jesus trainer. Remember the Jesus trainer? I remember Jesus trainer. Jesus trainer was like, met me at the gym. How does that work? He's like, just pray. We started working out.

He was like, are you, do you believe in Jesus Christ? This is during the thing. And I was like, what? And then we're, you know, working out and then he tells me, you know, I would tell him things like, I don't know if I should do another set. Like my shoulder hurts. He goes, oh, the Holy Spirit wouldn't let me push you too far. Like, whoa.

Yeah. He said that. Oh yeah. And it got way crazier than that, you know. And he kind of puts a lot of, I like how he like justifies what he does in the name of, he's like, Jesus won't let me murder my wife. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Or if I did, that's what Jesus wanted. That's what Jesus wanted. He was really, really, really crazy and would bring up, like, you know, sometimes you go, I beat him for a workout. I'd be like, whoa, man, I'm feeling good today. Like, oh yeah. What's up? He's like, man, just, you know, Holy spirits are in me.

Feel good about Christ. And I was like, hmm. Yeah. He sounds managed. Yeah. And then he was like, you know, his dream was to be a police officer and he was like, Oh no. I keep getting turned down by different police departments.

Oh no. I could, I could have guessed that. Was he a good trainer though? Did you, did you lose the weight? No. Did your shoulder ever recover from Jesus? Jesus, Jesus helped me get it better. But no, what happened was I would work out with him and he would, you know, he would

just push me to my limits. And then I would leave that place and be like, oh my, I must have burned like 10,000 calories. Right. I would just eat everything. See, that's one of the fallacies of a fat man. Yeah. Because I'll spend like 20 minutes on the elliptical and then I'll eat a whole pizza by myself.

Yeah. You're like, it's fine. You're like, I feel amazed. You're like, it's a total, it's an even treatment. I've burned like 200 calories and I consumed like 2,000. That's exactly what happened. Yeah. And I kept doing that.

Yeah. So it was like he was, let me see. We had just moved. Remember that house? Yeah. That we rented after? We rented the house right after we had Ellis. Yeah.

So it was a little bit after there where I got on the scale and I was like, wow. And I, I just let you down. Jesus totally let me down. Well, it was the fattest you'd ever been. It was the fattest I'd ever been because I'd never gained that much weight in my life. And then it's hard to, you know, now I'm older and it's harder to lose it, but we both went on diets. We were doing Pilates.

Yeah. We did the fat challenge with Bert and Ari. Oh. I started doing that and I lost a bunch of weight, but it was very necessary. I mean, I was, I was on a bad path at that point and I feel like the pregnancy accelerated it for sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Ellis is at her fattest by far. I gained 40 pounds so far. That's on the low end of it though. You're good. You're good. That's like nothing. You're one of those types that's going to snap back. Yeah, girl.

I'm trying to get worried like every day I'm bigger and it's normal. Dude, you look good. You're like, you look good. You look amazing. You don't, I get, you don't got to worry about that. Like you look great. Like you were underweight before the baby came. Yeah.

And, and you're looking like healthy. Dude, it's good. You look amazed. Yeah. Don't even. I do feel healthy actually. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you think? I think before I wasn't eating. You were eating. Yeah. What do you, what do you like to eat the most? Chocolate. Yeah. Nice.

I love it. I have a problem with chocolate. No. Do you have a specific type? Do you like milk chocolate, dark chocolate, all chocolate? I like dark chocolate. All chocolate. Do you like it mixed with things?

Caramels, sea salt, all that stuff? Chocolate caw. Sorry. Have you been to a Laker game? I don't think so. No, she hasn't. No. We're not sports guys.

No. You have a lot of big. Oh, is that what you mean? Yeah. And I never liked going to Laker games until I saw them running back and forth on the court. Like, do you like black guys? I do now.

Since the Laker game. Yep. Yeah. Chocolate fan. Yep. And Tom, how do you feel about her having a thing? Those guys' dicks are probably as tall as you are at prom. Yeah, you can, I could go sing on.

When they dunk, when those guys dunk, it's like a kangaroo tail. I could dunk on their dicks as they dunk the hoop. You know what I mean? Right. I could dunk too and then just hang on to their dicks. Yeah. Just swing around. Yeah.

Would that be a fun show to watch? Yeah, I'd love to watch that show. Sure. Unbelievable. So, go ahead. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, Tom.

Well, we're talking about big black cock and we can stay on that. You guys have a big black cock story? No. Oh, I just, I know. Does Ila, what's your title today? You know what, I do like talking about blacked.com. Okay. Blacked.

Do you guys know that website? He's blacked. White boys at school don't have dicks like that. Yeah. Black boys at school don't have dicks like this. The white boys at school. Oh, okay. What's the context of that?

I think she's pulling out a black dick. Oh, that's a pornography sound bite? I think so. Quick on the draw there. Yeah. Who's responsible for that, you? I just really like that cock, especially big black cock. Okay, Tom, why do you have those on your computer?

I only have like 40. Yeah. Now, what is blacked.com? Oh, oh, see, you... No, I kind of, I feel like I get it. So, blacked. But I'm not sure it's specifically... Yeah, yeah.

I'll introduce you. Go ahead. How do you spell that? B-L-A. Blacked. B-L-A-C-K-E-D. Got it. Dot com.

Okay. The first time I was introduced to it, Ethan... Okay, Ethan made a joke. We have a WhatsApp group with his family. And you wrote black.com as a joke. I was like, clickable link. But it was actually a link. How'd that go?

I just said, please, nobody click the link, but I'm sure they did. Oh, my God. But my dad, my family is, somehow I feel not going to be super surprised by what's in that. By the way, how did your family react, because there's always different reactions to the name? You told them the name. They were happy, surprised, indifferent.

I think it was good. I think everyone liked it. Yeah. They don't, I don't think they love it, to be honest. I don't know what my mom expects, but she gets this kind of reaction of like, oh, you know, it's like, oh, at first they go, oh, I love it. But the gut reaction was, oh, you know, like as if I told her his name was, uh, oh. Greg.

No offense to Griggs, but it's like, yeah, you ever, it wasn't exciting. It was more common. Yeah. His name is Jeff. Yeah. And she's like, oh, lovely. That's a great name. It's a beautiful name.

Yeah. It's been out of style. So it's kind of a unique name. Yeah. These kinds of days. It's got all these different applications. It's got a classic feel to it, man. Yes.

Yeah. It could be Teddy, which is very cute, very soft and beautiful. Ted. A little serial killer-ish. I don't want him to go by Ted. True that. Ted. Teddy is also a little serial killer-ish.

So we'll stay away from that. I dig it. I will force him to go by either Theodore or Teddy. Teddy is real sweet. Teddy's cute. Theo's cool. Theo's cool. Oh, Theo.

Wait. We named our first dog that Theo. Yeah. Now it's Ufo. We changed it. In light of the Cosby scandal. Wait, hold on. I want to ask you guys about Theo Vaughn because there's like a whole beef with you guys there,

isn't there? Oh, my God. That's crazy. Oh, man. So what have, like, so Black, do you want to explain what that is? So Black.com is where huge Black guys with like massive, I'm talking like, these guys are like 12-inch minimum. I'm talking Subway sandwich.

Wow. And then they get the smallest, whitest girl they can find to take that huge Subway sandwich. Like $5195. Yeah. Yeah. And they just, and so what, well, I just think it's hilarious because, I mean, I know there's like a stereotype that Black guys are well endowed and that's fine, but I'm sure there's white guys, and Christine is taking notes, which I appreciate, but there's white guys

that are, her have huge dingers as well, which I assume, I mean, I'm not that I know one personally or myself, but they're out there. But you know some performers' names, I'm sure, with big ones, right? Yes. Yeah, me too. So I can rattle them off. But my point is, it's like, I just find it funny that, like, like, the way that Black guys, like, painful overt racism is only allowed in pornography.

Yeah. Like, I see them throwing the N-word around, like, U-N-word, but the whole print, thank you. So I have a funny question to ask you guys. Uh-huh. Is it a call if I say the N-word? Tom, what is wrong with you? I know.

That was so funny. The problem with my children. Did your brain lit up when I said that? I got so excited. So I have these soundbites for you. Yeah, they're ready to go. I'm like, thanks for walking me down the aisle. But I just, I find it so funny that only in porn can you be like, huge Black guys and

tiny white chicks, let's make this happen. Can I tell you what else is crazy about pornography and racism? This is like one of the places, no, no, this actually, I think it's really disturbing that they, you know, people do all types of wild sex acts, right? And then the actors, the performers have to, it's a thing if they'll say they'll sleep with a Black person. So in other words... Oh, they ask performers that?

Yeah, so like a girl will be like, oh, I don't do interracial. You're like, what? They're like, I mean, I took three dicks in my ass, but they better be white, you know? That's interesting. I didn't know that. Well, I heard, so there was like a whole controversy. There was that one famous porn star that killed herself recently, because she said she didn't want to sleep with guys who had done gay porn previously, and she made a whole

big thing about like, girls, you need to make sure that the guys you're having sex with on scene haven't done gay porn before. I don't know if it's because she thought they might be infected or if she doesn't like gay. Right, last days of August is the podcast that I was on. August Ames was her name. Yeah. Right. But so, yes, I've heard of that before, and I would love to get access possibly even

when that'd be fantastically entertaining to be able to see what these girls are willing to do, like three dicks in an asshole, two dicks in an asshole. And like, is it Black? I called it. Black guy, gay guy. What are you talking about? Trance. I'm not a son.

Why do you think? Yeah. Why do you think? I don't know. It's like, it's this thing too where they will, they'll make, it's also like a big to-do if they go, I'm doing my first interracial scene. Okay. You know what I think it is?

I have a friend that edited porn for a while, and he told me, okay, there's some women that will only do girl on girl. Yes. They won't even take a dick. Why? Sorry to interrupt you. They'll keep your cachet. Isn't that the worst though?

But that keeps your cachet at a certain level. So the idea is, once you introduce dicks, now you're, I think your cachet drops. So if you're doing anal, that's a peg down, isn't it? Not really, because in that world, the consumer, yeah, they're getting paid more, they're getting paid more to be with a man, and they're getting paid more to do more outrageous things. So they're actually, if you're doing strictly girl-girl stuff, you're considered almost like not totally in business. It's like soft core.

Yeah. Oh, so in her mind, she's not fully in the, do you know what I'm saying, she's doing soft core in her mind. Yeah, totally. Yes, I think so, because she's not taking a dick, which is kind of a strange thing if you're like a good Christian girl, you don't want to take a dick. God forbid a black dick. Exactly.

It's really... Interesting. It's disturbing. I noticed that a lot of the premium girls stick, I mean like the really like, like, damn, you should not be in porn girls, do only lesbian things. Really? See, that's what I'm saying. They're like too pretty for the jizz.

Too cute for the jizz. Too cute for the jizz. Which I would agree with. I have a would you rather that we were discussing in the lobby before you guys came, you were talking about small penises and big balls and things like that. I know about that. Yeah? Do you have it?

I have anecdotal evidence about all those things you listed. Wait, do you have big balls? Tiny penis, huge balls. You have a small penis and huge balls. The ball, I could fit like 20 of my penis inside my sack. I have like a 20 to 1 ratio. Now wait, let's take it to the next thing we were talking about. Do you have any feelings one way or another about balls?

Are you like, I love balls? You're like, whatever. Are you a ball girl? I'm not a ball girl. You're not a ball hog. But butt. I've been with a girl that did like balls. I like them.

I don't have a fetish. I don't need to have a ball. I need balls. Right, some girls need. But I do prefer they not be sloppy and large. I do like them higher and tighter. Yeah, high and tight. Yeah.

Now would you rather, because we were discussing balls and dicks in the lobby, and um, I would rather not have good vision because I don't know how much vision he has at this point. Not a lot. Not a lot left. He can barely see. He goes, I would rather have my level of vision than have a small dick. Now would you rather have your vision? Yeah.

Or a good sized penis. Yes. But you can correct your vision. Not necessarily. Josh cannot. He's going to be blind soon. He's going to be blind. Josh?

Which one's Josh? Josh is the one that looks like he's almost blind. I just see a hand from that. Oh yeah. Sorry about that, Josh. Yeah. What's your penis? Can he talk to us?

He can. What's your penis size, Josh? I think he's got like just like a healthy hog on him. He's like he's happy with it. Because if you're both, what if you're blind and have a fucking tiny little wing? That'd be even worse. That's even worse. Yeah.

But we're not playing that game. Josh, how big is your penis? Go ahead. Uh, it's uh, it's average I'd say, but it's not like the would you rather was, if you told me today that I would get my vision back, I'd be completely able to see 2020, but I'd have to have a micro penis. Yes. I would just say I'm going to keep this blind shit going on.

Yeah. Micro penises. What's your, what's your status right now? Penis one. I've never actually measured it, but I've been. That's bullshit. It's true. I've never measured it.

I hate when guys say that. Really? Every time a guy, I find that I just, I hate whenever a guy say that like, oh, I've never measured my cock, bro. You've gone asshole to shaft. I guarantee it. I'll tell you, I'll tell you this. Don't front right.

Every guy, now I'll admit, I haven't measured in forever. Whoa. I don't, I don't want to know. Cause it keeps getting smaller. It does. Right? Yeah. Well, why does it get smaller?

Because I'm getting fatter. I think my blood pressure is going down, but when you're, when you're 18, 19, your cock is like, you know, I mean, it's ready to explode. So like that's the best time to measure it. I don't need to re-measure it from that. But do you agree with Josh that you would rather be partially blind than have a micropenis? Well, okay. Well, first of all, you wouldn't have a wife if you had a micropenis.

You wouldn't have. Yeah. That's the true. It's a wonderful life. Well, you've been like, he was nice. Listen, I want to take this, this question seriously, it deserves to be thoughtfully answered. Yeah.

The micropenis is a medical condition. Yes. And you're really, I mean, you can have an average penis like our friend Josh here said, who would I assume he means like probably around five to six, probably less than six, right, Josh? He's off. He's off. Yeah.

Probably five. But that's fine. That's a normal penis. You can say, you don't have a, you're not going, you're not starting in black. Right. No. But you're good. No, but we were discussing too that necessarily, it's not necessarily a good thing in real

life to have a huge dick like that because what, in a marriage day to day, do you really need a big 13 and sure, I don't, I think, I don't think, I mean, I struggle with that with my husband. That's 13. Wow. It is a big problem. But sorry. Go ahead.

Yeah. So, and you're right. All you need is an average sized penis. Let's be honest here. But you're talking about a micropenis. I mean, I've seen guys like, I mean, micropenises are real, are real tough, are a tough issue. And that would fuck your whole life up. I think you have confidences, you have relationship issues, you have a lot of problems stemming

from having that awful micropenis. Yeah. Christina's repulsed at the very thought of it. So, you would, now I would, I would, I would avoid the micropenis, almost anything I think is better. And I, my heart goes out to guys who were born like that because you, I've seen like really big guys who you would expect to be like fairly well endowed and they're walking around with little jelly beans in their pants.

You know what the worst part is too? Is that there's like, it's just a matter of you and somebody else getting to accept it because there's really not, like it's not one of those things that you can do something about it. Like with guy, you know, with women, you can alter things, breast and butt, whatever. It's your choice. But like the, with men, there's a procedure for that. But it's not.

You could put on a strap on. I'm surprised you can't add a dick to your dick though. Like why haven't they? I've seen, I've seen something you can put a sleeve over your dick. It's a prosthetic dick. Why haven't they invented this? I'm surprised men aren't all over this. Didn't we see one?

Did Brian show this? Right. Right. It's like a cock sleeve. So if you have a small penis, but the thing is you, it would be so nice if you could just get like fake tits as a guy. Right. It's so complicated.

I've seen things where like, um, they put some kind of apparatus, but you have to manually pump. Oh yeah. Sorry. It works my camera lens. But so here, let me do it up here, Tom, because I don't want to be too provocative for McDonald's. But you, you put a, uh, kind of a blow up to, and then you have to squeeze it.

So your dick gets hard. It's inside your, you know, penis, but you've got to, it's not, it doesn't sound that fun. Yeah. No, that sounds terrible. I've seen that. I watched a documentary of a guys with extreme ED whose penis was just completely like dead weight. And so they wanted to be able to perform.

And also with guys, older guys with trophy wives who wanted to be able to, you know, take advantage of fruit of their labor. My dad said one of his buddies, an older guy in his eighties, keeps his stuff in a fridge and hasn't, and he has to inject himself. Now that's dedication. Yeah. She stuff in the fridge. What like medical, no, no.

It's like liquid. So you have to use a syringe. Gosh. Into the penis. Yeah. And then he's rock hard. Rock hard. I do that.

Wait, what would you choose? What are your stats again? Do you got a nice piece of equipment on you? I would say that in my heyday, I was exaggerating, by the way. Yeah. How dare you? Wait, in which way? My size?

Is that it? It's not that bad. You're right. It is smaller than I say. And I say it's smaller. Listen, you're being sweet and I love you for that. You need to be with a girl that tells you your penis is large and I strongly believe that, even if they're lying.

Yeah. And by the way, to every woman out there, if you do like the guy, just lie. Just be like, dude, your cock is probably the biggest I've ever had. Absolutely. And he will be in love with you. Wait a minute. That means you're lying about my beef curtains. What about them?

Well, you keep telling me it's the same as it was before the two show. No, I'm not. It's not the same. No. My beef curtains are wrecked. What is it? Talk about her. My meow.

I mean, the appearance of the vagina is not as important. No, no. And yours is great. That's true. What I was saying was that men especially have such a relationship with like your self-worth and your dick and what it can do. If you're a woman and you're with a guy, you should just tell them all the time. It's great.

Whatever. If you love them. It's great. It's big. I think that's good advice. Some women do too with breasts. Like you're really flat. I want to say.

Although it's more, you can find guys who are into it. Yeah. Dude, hello. Small breasts is a beautiful thing. It's about perkiness. I've always said size of breasts doesn't matter. You could have a tiny little, you can have tiny boobs. But they're, be fantastic.

So and also the problem with the penis is that it's used for the performance itself. Like there's just so much issues that guys have tied to their penis. So with, first of all, I want to tie back micro penis. I would, I would do almost anything to, to avoid that because the psychological damage you would occur throughout your life would be tremendous. Like short of like getting childhood cancer or something. I mean, I would avoid micro penis. I'm serious.

Did anyone opt for the micro penis? Any of these guys? No. Yeah. Guys, micro penis over blindness? No. It's not even about the sexual gratification. It's about you're with a girl that you, you, this girl.

You know, it's not even fair. Like blindness is almost like you, you become the daredevil. It's dope. Yeah. You kind of get like, you get treated like, oh, he's blind. Let's take care of him. Right. But if you have a small dog.

Micro penis, like you got to walk in shame. That's a great, you can't tell anyone about it. Such a good insight. Huh? Yeah. Even fair. And it's like not your fault. It's just a genetic.

And just imagine this, this moment when you meet this girl, you know, a couple of days, she's wonderful. And then you got to be like, listen, I have a condition, my dicks, the smallest thing you're ever going to see. And then she'd be like, oh, look how bad can it be? You know, because of micro penis, it's not a small penis. It's like a clit. I mean, it's fucking tiny.

So then like, you know, it's a nightmare. But to go back, if you want to talk more about my penis. Yeah. Parting her head through a dress. Most importantly. Because you're upset about it. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yes. Now, hold on though. There's a lot of women who aren't peener, penile centric in their sexual. There's a lot of women that don't want to dick down. You know what I mean? That would probably be okay with it. I know, but. Yeah, I'm sure.

Now you better, if you have a, if you have a micro penis, you really should be working on those, those munching skills, right? Yeah. Yeah. Of course, but. I mean, you were saying you're a ball hog, right? That you love. Yeah.

She's a ball. Hi. I'm Sierra Sin and I'm a ball hog. You set yourself up. You set yourself up. So when I was younger, like in high school and early days of college, I was very proud of my penis. Really?

I thought it was wonderful. I was like, this is awesome. My penis is fantastic. And as I've gotten older, I've become more ashamed of my penis. Why? Because I get fatter. I get more out of shape. There's less torque.

There's less power. There's less, you know, will to live, really, frankly speaking. And don't you get upset when your distance starts to go down on those, like on those shots when you're shooting roads? I have good shots still. Yeah. But nobody cares about that. They do.

We care. Of course. We care about your distance. This whole audience cares. I have good. I've always had strong torque. Oh, nice. Especially if I go like three days at least without nutting, I'll fucking surprise myself.

Now I have to. Three days. If I withdraw now for a couple of days, my distance will still be there. But if I'm doing any type of, like, you know, repeat work, it's like sad. It's like, oh, yeah. But yeah. It's like honey coming out. You know what I hate when I'm watching porn?

Like when these fucking huge cocked porn stars have tiny little cumshocks. I hate it, too. I really hate it. And it's like, dude, I mean, you could have, could you have at least abstained for a couple days? Like this is your fucking job. I hate it. Especially when you see the girl.

When you see the girl. Not in the least. It bothers me. Dude. It's a guy. I have zero point zero care. Yeah. For come.

I never even thought about it. I don't care if it shoots far. I don't care if it's a lot or a little. I don't even pay attention. Dude, when you're watching a scene, especially when the girl's like, give it, like, give it to me. And he's like, here it comes. And then it barely.

You can't even tell if he came or not. You're like, this is simple. It's over. I mean, what happened? I hate it. Do you? I also hate a scene where you're like, all right. And then the guy pulls it out and forget small, average size dick and what the fuck

is this, man? Yeah. I want to see like a real. I agree. Rod. And I also don't. You agree with that. I agree with that.

You don't like average penis porn. Not in porn because it's a fantasy. Yeah. It's kabuki sex. So I want to see the best of the best. I want to see hotter people than me, better bodies, better tits and better units and better vats. I don't want to see right.

Big, huge loads. Yeah. That's what it's all about. I guess we rub your balls all over that. Come. Damn. Yeah. Have you guys ever seen?

I've noticed this a couple of times in porn where like when I'm, I'm, I'm based. I'm mostly looking for really beautiful girls. I know. I just, I like a really beautiful looking girl and sometimes I'll stumble across like a really beautiful girl, like having sex with like a old fat, disgusting guy. And that's the worst because it's such a shame. And I want to watch it because I find the girl so very attractive and she's like in beautiful shape and she's beautiful and perfect, but I can't, I cannot watch it because she's

literally having sex with a fat, old dude and it's unwatchable garbage. I like those scenes because you like that. I feel like the guy. Wait, did you say me too? No. No. I'm surprised that he liked it. I liked it because the guy has zero ambitions and he's just like, he's like, but he acts.

I like he, he fucking will force them into things. It's good. Well, no, I, I agree. But you know why that fantasy, it's such a, it's such a waste, man. But you know why that exists? Because all the gross pig dads at home are like, that's me. I'm porking the basic because we're like, we were talking about, we want to see better. I don't like, I want to see better than what's out there.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't. Of course. I demanded with my actor. That's not my go to, but I'll watch this. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I promise you, I just look for, I like a beautiful girl. Yeah. That's what it does.

If I'm, if I find her attractive, I don't like the, the archetype of like, like this girl is very popular. Mia, what's her name? Tom, fill it in. You know, she's super popular. She's like a Persian, all the air, all these Arab people were super pissed that she was doing porn. Okay.

Mia, you guys know someone. Oh yeah. One of these animals. Chai man, help me out. Mia Khalifa. Yeah. She's super famous. Yes.

So anyway, she's like into sports now. She doesn't, she, she doesn't do porn. She does commentary. Oh, that's, I'm sure people are going to be interested in that. Yeah. Yeah. She actually, she, yeah, she's retired from a lot of work. At any rate, she was very popular a lot.

She was huge and I was not into her. She had a beautiful face. She had these huge fake titties that were just so wild. They were just so. You didn't like that. I did not. I found it unwatchable. I don't like big fakes.

They were just Franken-tits. Yeah, I don't like that. They were just like. I don't like too when you see like the, the real lean body and then the big boulders on top of it. So it looks completely unnatural. It's not right. Well, Patty Stanger always said that real boobs, they squish in the middle.

You know what I mean? They look mushy and they meet, but you can tell the bad fakies. Yeah. When they're big like basketballs and they don't touch. Well, they also don't move. I'd rather have big, hangy, big naturals than go get those basketballs. I don't like that. I'd rather have anything.

I wouldn't do it. I, I, I feel that. I feel so bad when I hear like, cause I met recently when I visited back in Israel. Like there's this girl who was my neighbor anyway, kind of like a family friend and she's 18 now. And she was telling me that she's thinking to get fake boobs and it's like, she totally doesn't even need it. Like she's totally fine and looks good.

And it's like, why? Yeah. And you're 18. You don't even know anything. Cause you think it's going to, I mean, it's like anything, right? Like you think that's it. That's it. That's the answer.

Let me tell you, I was in my, um, I go get Botox and I was in my doctor's office and she does boob jobs and I was getting to play with the saline bags when she was doing my Botox, you know, the boob bags, the tit bags, and I go, give me the biggest one. And I was just squeezing them for fun. Just lightly squeezing and pop. Are you serious? I fuck. She put it on her Instagram.

She put that on her Instagram and she does tit job. She's like, well, this is a bad PR and she goes, whoa, that, I go, I wasn't even squeezing that hard. I was just playing with it and she goes, well, that's not supposed to happen. I'm like, well, it does. That's going to happen in your body. But it's supposed, supposedly, I'm sorry, I don't set it up. Not that bad because it's just saline to be, but it's not great.

Hey, pop again. A bag of plastic in your body. Can't be good. Do you feel like you need Botox? Why do you need Botox? Yeah, I have this deep wrinkle here. I don't like it. No.

I don't like it. Tom's like, yeah, you need Botox. No. He never makes me do it. I do just very minimal. You have a wrinkle. Does it help? How does it work?

Yeah. It freezes your forehead so that you don't make the wrinkle deeper. Did they like fill it in? No, I don't do filler. That's what it'll fuck you up. Because that's when you start to look like you get it. Alien, right? And all the time you're like, it's good to see you.

Yeah. Well, you know how people... Because I want to look like me, and I don't mind looking my age. So what do they do? I just don't like the deepness. They put injections in your forehead that paralyzes the muscle so that you can't make it any deeper. What's the experience like?

Does that hurt? Yeah, it hurts. They inject poison in your face. Yeah, it's poison. Uh-huh. Yeah. I have a couple of questions for you guys. First of all, soft pitch, what do you think about going as Ethan and Hilarious?

Going where? Like, that is your new name. So we love... Hilarious? Hilarious. Well, Hilarious has been around. We haven't thought about going as that as our... It's just a simple pitch.

Okay, I reject. Fine. If it's just a quick yes or no. I thought it'd be in like a nice hat. So... Hilarious? How long did you think about that one? It could be a nice hat.

I just wrote it down. It could be a good merch. All right. Ethan and Hilarious. You got anything off? I mean, that was not actually the only question I had. Okay, I have one. What?

No, I was going to ask. Okay, go ask. Go ask. So not too long ago, you were not doing... You guys weren't making a lot of videos for a while. Now you're banging them out all the time. You're in on a roll. That led to, you know, doing more videos.

You're renaissance, if you will. Yeah. I think that I was just in a rut, a real, real rut. I started seeing therapists. I started taking antidepressants, Lexapro, big fan. It helped me a lot. I kind of really gradually got in a better head space. There was a lot of mess in my life.

We were kind of all over the place working on the podcast and our clothing line, Teddy Fresh and on our videos and it was just, I was just being torn in so many different directions and I was depressed and I was like just bitter about everything and I was just so irritable. So I just needed to, I needed to get my head on straight and kind of just know better what I wanted to do and where to put my time and to accept like the limitations of my time because I constantly was in a state of just like frustration and feeling like I had an accomplished thing. At the end of the day, I always felt like I hadn't done what I had set out to do that

day. So it just kept piling up on me and I was just feeling like I wasn't getting anything done and so I just took a long break and eventually I just got the spark back that I wanted to make videos again. And the videos you've been making are so good. Always. You guys are so funny. Super like into your guys' content.

That's crazy to us because you guys are, you're like, I love you, actual comedians. Yeah, it is amazing. You guys are an actual comedian. I actually hold back from like texting you as much as I want to. Really? Yeah, yeah. I'm just like nerding out like watching these videos, but the latest one that you made was so cool because I actually remember you bringing it up in conversation and then text about

Instagram versus reality. I was like, what is that? Pull up this Reddit thing and you see that people are putting out there, you know, and a lot of times huge influencers putting out there this image of themselves and then you realize that it is such a departure from what is reality. So you did this great, you guys did this great video, kind of highlighting some of those things. It was super entertaining and funny.

Get a load of these guys. I follow these guys on Instagram. Who the fuck are these guys? Yeah. They're in words. I gotta get on this. It's hard to hit on them because they're just, they're like little twink, high school twinks.

Love it. Yeah. But they're in the rain. Their shirts are wet. Their hair is dry. It's obviously Photoshop. They live in LA. Oh, F jeans.

Right. And what are they saying? What's the caption saying? It says three million. Thank you guys. It doesn't acknowledge the rain. They're just thanking everybody. When it's raining, but none of, oh, that's funny.

You should, I would ask, I would actually go like to watch their Instagram, but I don't know what their name is and they blurted out for some reason. These guys always pose together? Yeah. Okay. I love Instagram so much. Anyway, I just find the whole, what the fuck? Hilarious.

What is that? I just find the whole culture so toxic and I just don't know why. Like for example, Kim Kardashian, 10 years ago, we all knew that she was such a shallow nasty, vapid soul that we all hated. And now today, through whatever phenomenon, we've kind of accepted her culturally and now we all look up to her and praise her as, you know, but she's still a vapid, disgusting monster. Yeah.

She is a curse on this, a blight on our society. And I think that everything she stands for should be destroyed. Go to the first picture. So this is her and Kanye at the Met Gala. Can I tell you one thing that actually is annoying to me? Almost separate from this body dysmorphia nonsense with, you know, the stuff that she posts, like all these other people, is that he is a fashion icon now and he looks like he gets to go to the Met Gala like he's coming to fix the air conditioning.

So like you are supposed to be the represent, like the Met Gala is like a fashion show and he looks like he's changing air filters. Like how do you get to be the fashion icon and you just go like, I'm aware of black zip up. Yeah. He's being edgy. Yeah. I think he's kind of trolling.

He's wearing a $40 jacket. Okay. I also actually heard him say something really sweet in Kanye's defense. He said that he wanted to let Kim shine because it was like her big thing and so he wanted to dress down so he didn't take attention from her. But he's taking all the attention from her by dressing down. Because everyone's like, look at Kanye. She looks stunning.

I hate her dress. Really? I hate it. I mean, she looks like a cartoon. She's perfect. I don't know how she... Her titties look like a mask. Did you see the video of her putting it on?

No. Is it like a corset or something? Yeah. It's like a corset from like a hundred years ago. Early back. Her whole skin and everything is like the ribs. It doesn't look... I mean, it looks...

She can't sit down. Yeah, it looks terrible. Oh my God. I don't like it. It looks like she just got boot cockied. Like, there's all these little cum droplets. Oh. It's the cum droplet dress.

I like it. I like it. But her titties are a mess. I've seen her... You've seen... Everyone's seen her naked. Her titties are a mess. What do you mean?

Her titties are so fake. They look like so fake. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Her whole body looks just... In the video, we showcased like her photoshopped ass versus her unphotoshopped ass. And it's disgusting. It's freakish. It is so gross.

It's weird. But also, they photoshop out the cellulite, which is actually not the problem. The cellulite's fine. But her ass, because you see it in her clothing and everyone's like, wants that ass. Right. Which, when you see it outside of the clothing, it's the same thing with fake tits. It looks great in clothing, but when you see it outside, you realize how much of a disaster it is.

Yeah. Yeah. She has what, ass injections or ass implants? No, implants, bro. I don't even know. Straight up. I don't even know either. She has implants.

Yes. Yeah. You know, it's so funny, though. I feel like, I mean, after two babies and stuff, I'm just like... I don't know what... Maybe it's just me, but you start to be like, I don't give a shit anymore about trying to look... Like, perfection for me, it's gone.

The ideal is gone. I'm just trying to get healthy enough and functionally thin enough. You know what I'm saying? You kind of get liberated. Absolutely. I think that's because... You're like, I made body babies. I don't give a fuck anymore.

I think it's because you're not shallow. Oh! But... Oh, oh, oh. That's all she cares about. That's all she cares about. Right, right. Like, why is she...

I don't even know what is she even famous for. Oh, blow drops. Yes. And her body. And her body. But she's beautiful. I mean, she's pretty. She's okay.

I give her a... I mean, she's pretty, but you know, there's a lot of pretty girls in the world. But you don't watch her show? I have. I have tried. I've tried too. I can't. It's too dumb.

I was shocked by how dumb they sound. And I know that's stupid. I know. But they have like that classic valley vocal fry. And then the upspeak and the... It's painful. I was surprised that because we used to make fun of these people, like when Clueless came out, we were like, these valley girls are not just...

Megan and I have been together for nearly three years. She's a beautiful girl who I... That's a guy. Is that from the show? No, that's from Polly Amherst. It is said that those are the values that are handed down to... You know what I'm saying? Like, that's the zeitgeist of just be hot.

Just be hot. That's the most important thing, is being hot. And being hot in a way that's actually not real, like you can even work out and do your best, but you'll never look like him because it's not real. No. You know what I'm really excited about though? In my mom world, I found the singer Billie Eilish, if you guys heard of her. And I'm so excited because it's a counterculture girl, even though she's very well produced

and the album is way produced. At least it's like this kind of weird lesbian chick and like mechanics coveralls and blue hair. And you're like, fucking great. I agree. It's like an alternative for young girls to the Kardashian thing. What happened to just variety of bodies and types and weird people, I feel like that's completely gone.

Yeah. I don't know. But I have hope. I feel like on my Instagram, everyone looks like him. Yeah. You see it too, like out in the world, those big eyelashes now, everybody has on like the... Can you pull up Ethan's Instagram though?

You know what she invented? She invented like a, it's like white girl who's pretending to be ethnic, yeah. It's the best. Yeah, the top right, well. This is my favorite thing. This one's great that your dog took. But this one here, I got to tell you. That's amazing.

So you did a before and after photo shot here. I think I speak for a lot of us when I say we'd like to see more of the guy on the right. Yeah. Yeah, we're fucked to shit of him. But this is what people do when they like put their profile pics from dating sites. Like imagine you're on Tinder and you see the guy on the right and then the guy on the left shows up. Yeah.

You're like, what the fuck happened to your... Ooh, the fuck. Everything. Yeah. I feel like I was in an accident on my way over here. It's uncannily like me, but it's completely not me. It's so crazy. It's amazing that that's really...

And then you actually got like a little bit of a, you guys had a little controversy for your video. Yeah. I was delighted. Somebody who I guess does some of this, you guys mean the whole video you were showing, but like you called out Trish paid, I don't actually don't even know what to say. I don't want to say your last name either. Paytas?

Paytas. Yeah. I didn't expect that. You know, sometimes we'll put out videos and I'll be ready for the drama to come. But this isn't, this actually, I didn't expect it. Yeah. Trish out Paytas? Paytas.

Yeah. She made a video in response, um, crying on her kitchen floor saying that I was harming young girls. I don't know why she was on her kitchen floor. Now she does like dramatic photo shops, right? Oh my God. I mean the thumbnails, hers are the best. I said, you know, one of the lines is like, you know, from Beauty Queen, from Coachella

to Open Casket Funeral, but you kind of got to see it, but like hers, hers are my all-time favorite. You're saying on her Instagram account, because I do follow Trisha, um, and I, I'm fascinated. I'm fascinated. Um. I do, I do, she does have a sense of humor about herself, which is nice, I will say. Yeah. Well, when she, yeah, she, well, that's what I, I wasn't sure, but when she responded,

she was like, went off on Twitter, was saying, was telling Ela to divorce me, said, please Ela Klein, she tagged her, do not raise your child to be as ignorant as your husband. I would divorce him ASAP, as he was calling so much damage to young women, it's actually sickening. I've never been more disgusted. That you stand by him is even more disgusting. Ela, how do you feel about that? Um.

Are you going to divorce him right now? No. I don't know, I just feel like it's, I don't know, she's just, she was like in hysteria mode. Clearly she tweeted like 20, 50 times, I don't know, right after the video. Oh wow. She's a little unstable. So it's hard to judge.

What's her, um, like what is her origin or source of, uh, you know, fame, notoriety? Is it like? I don't know. I don't even know. Actually, I don't know much about her, except that how her, she responded to our video. What is, by the way, scroll up there. What is, what are the dates there? So Trisha, I follow her on the Grams.

She tours. Tours in what sense? That's what I'm not. I don't know what she does for her live show, but I know she, I think she might just do like meet and greets or something. I don't know. Oh, new album. Sorry.

She does music. Oh, but go to the site there that it says under those cities. But I do know that she's like a successful vlogger, right? Like she does vlogs. Yeah. Yeah. I honestly don't know. That wouldn't surprise me though.

But she, she. Go to TrishaPytistTour.com. One day after calling for Ela to divorce me, she asked if she could come on our podcast and then we'll talk about how funny we are on Twitter. You can see. So she's just, she's a little nuts. I think she, I think deep down she enjoyed it, did just the attention and she was capitalizing on it and she was enjoying it and then she was making fun of it.

So I don't, I don't think she was very, I don't know. She's a, she's fucking crazy. She's literally insane. I don't know. I had to tell you guys in the YouTube world, it's way more dramatic than the podcasting world. Holy shit. You guys are following all the drama like James Charles?

There you go. No. I don't see how many of you know who that is. I like, I'm on the periphery. I hear it through you guys. What about ProJarron? Huh? ProJarron.

Now. Hold on. Look at this though, Maui. This is the, the, what she does on tour, full of laughs, eating, dancing. There you go. Challenge. Well she, she is very open about what she eats like she's garbage food. She eats on tour on the stage.

That's the second thing she listed, literally. She listed. She's like come eat with me. That's a great idea. I wish I would, I could charge people to come eat with me. Huh. And then are there, is there any, if you scroll down there, are there actual people? Wait, she said Mukbang.

Scroll up. She said pre-show Mukbang with Trisha. Do you know what Mukbang is? No. That's when you watch a girl stuff her face as much, she literally, she'll sit there. Did I show you the lobster claw video? No. Oh my God.

Where do I even begin? Yeah, what? You're supposed to inform us of all these YouTube things, guys. Okay, go to YouTube and type eating with K, Q-U-E. Mukbang. So it's when a girl sits there and has this over the top feast, like as much food, and she stuffs herself as much as possible. I've seen this.

Yeah. And so. That's cool. But women, I thought it was like a weird fetish, but other women watch that because they want to be eating as well. I'm kind of interested because I'm like thinking about lunch right now. I'm like, I'll be kind of old. By the way, did I heard you guys were saying something about lunch?

Yeah. Because you got the fat guy in me tingling. Oh, we should have, I wanted you to order it. We should order it for you when we sat down. Did you reject the... I did. Yeah, she always does that. Well, we can order you something.

What do you want? No, it's too late. Either ruin my whole day. Yeah. What did you guys order just so I could get them? From the deli. I got like a tuna melt. Yeah.

You put, you said no to that. Deli? Deli food? Yeah. They got everything. They got sandwiches. They got soup. They got salads.

I also got a soup too. I got soup coming, burgers, sandwiches. You're pregnant. You turned down a deli? I know. No worries. This is what I deal with. What do we have to show them though?

Do we have a video you wanted to show them? Yeah, we have a couple. So... But back to this eating lady. Yeah. How can I find her? What's her thing? So eating with Q.

Eating with Q. Yeah. She sits there with a 50 pound lobster. Oh my God, I love it. I kind of want to watch it because I like watching people and stuff. I saw her with... We were wondering. The whole seafood medley.

I get it. Yeah, she's crazy, man. She's something. We made a video about it. If you go ahead and watch the Sea Monsters of YouTube. Cool. I think we curated it. But we were wondering who would watch that.

Okay. Me. Me. I like really dumb stuff. But here's the thing. I saw that. I saw... I didn't see your video.

I saw one of her videos. Yeah. And it had like millions of views. Yes. It's women who are vicariously eating through her. See, because I like to eat a lot and I have to actively stop myself from being like 300 pounds. When I was pregnant.

Yeah. The first time it was like free reign. Yep. Yeah. I'm an emotional eater, I guess. Me too. Yeah. Me too.

We all are. I mean, you can't be fed that. Not Ila. No, no, no. I can tell the difference one night. No, I can tell like with Ethan, like let's say Friday night, I'll be like, oh, let's go crazy. We can eat a burger.

Yeah. And then I can be like fine. I can be fine for a month now. A month? Yeah. I don't need another like gross meal again. Yeah. And then the next morning, Ethan's like, you want to get a burrito?

Yeah. It's called life, dude. You've eaten. Yeah, wait a minute. And Ila's like, no, I'll have a couple of cucumbers and tomato with salt on it. Yeah. So disappointed. But that is, you got to have a balance or...

Right. So I do Sunday treats at the house. That's where we eat like garbage Sunday. So I do, I'd blow it out once a week. Okay. Now you're saying once a month is a blow. No, I'm okay with once a week too. Okay.

Not this guy. I'm fine with once a week, but like, I mean, you go out like, okay, the deli, you guys consider deli a bad meal? No, I didn't say that. No, because I'll order something relative. Sandwich, some meat, some bread. I don't call that a bad meal. Yes.

Salad. Fuck. I'm talking about like a burrito for breakfast and then pizza on the same day. That's a rarity. That's not, I mean, as a young man, that's how I live my life. I would, I would like to live that way and eat that way. But that's not how I know that I need to be more responsible than that. But I, a couple of times, you know, yeah, I like to eat.

Yeah, me too. Me too. I like to fucking stuff. I like to fucking eat. You know what the best thing to do is to avoid that shit? You've got to write a schedule out like an eating schedule. Wow. So depressing.

I mean, if you're like, this is struggling with it. I am struggling with it. It's such a pain in the, I hate losing weight. It's the fucking worst. It's the worst. Do you know what's the most depressing? Weighing your food. Have you ever done that?

No, I haven't dropped that low. Four ounces of chicken and you have to weigh it. I can't, I won't do it. Dude, it's super depressing because you realize how much you normally eat. So much. Yeah, they'll be like, you know, eight ounces of this and you're like, eight ounces of this. That sounds all right.

And then you put it on. It's like this much chicken. Yeah, it's nothing. I guess I'm usually having 22 ounces. Whoops. Whoopsie. I guess it's good to know. Yeah.

What's going on here? What is this guy? Oh, no. Oh, yeah. He's got a... What are we eating? What are we eating? What are we eating for lunch?

We can figure it out. You're the one that's pregnant. After the show. You're eating for two. No, let's figure this out now. No, you're not. Go ahead. Okay, what is this shit?

What is... What is... Is this like a healing thing he does? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy is starting like some sort of cult or something. Some sort of Buddhist Ram-Dog, Ram-Dog type guy. Ram-Dog Ram-Dog? Ram-Dog?

Ram-Dog? Ram-Dog? Ram-Dog. Ram-Dog. What's Ram-Dog? Ram-Dog. Ram-Dog. Ram-Dog.

He's a guru, a spiritual leader. Okay, God bless him. Okay. Welcome to Guret. This one. Adam, welcome to Guret. What is that? He's a healing.

And after a few months, we teamed up and me and Kelly and someone else, a third friend. And then Kelly, after a few months, he discovered it himself in the bathroom because we were like taking the same techniques he was doing. So he wanted to, you know, push it to the next level, raise the bar. So he found the way to drink from the flowers in the bathroom. I get it now. And he showed me first. No, she's snorting urine.

Oh, it's urine? Yeah. Oh, so it's like a urine... I know there's like a whole urine therapy thing. It's the best. You can bathe in it and drink it. There's people that give themselves urine enemas. Yeah.

I love everybody. Yeah. Rain Florence. Yeah. Familiar with her work. Yeah, she does porn. No. Wait, you guys are familiar?

Of course. Yeah, that's your mom's house. She's vintage. She's a vintage H3. We used to see her doing coffee enemas. She does porn? She does a porn where she puts a cucumber up her super hairy veg. She's also still breastfeeding her kid.

Who's like 10. What? Who's 10? They also left America. Because? Child support. Child protective services we're going to remove her son because she's breastfeeding at 10.

Yeah. The kid is like a feral child basically. Oh, no. They were going to remove her child because people were reporting her and so they moved to like Nicaragua or some South African country to get away from the authorities. What's up with that puss? He says real hairy? Super fucking hairy.

No, but she keeps looking worse and worse and she's like, now I'm just drinking urine and then she looks like she's about to die. Yeah. That'll do it. That's right before it turns good though. I've seen this a lot. Yeah. You do heavy urine therapy.

You look kind of down. So she drinks the urine. Yeah. She animates the urine. Yeah. She does like showers with her blood. My favorite. Breed blood.

Breed blood. That's great for you too. She does a, she did a video where she did a semen facial. Yeah. Where she had fresh spunk. It wasn't from her husband. It was from someone who donated it to her. Fresh semen.

And then she would, she showed it on the video and she goes. I have come all over my face. Yeah. We've featured some come faces. I'm on it, dude. I'm on it. You're good. So this, but there's a snorting urine.

Wait. I want to watch more. And then spitting it out. Is that what we're seeing here? So white. So one starts to do this technique. Can I say something? Yeah.

I love how elegant their accents are. Beautiful. Yeah. Aren't they like an Afghanistan or something in there? They're seated like so elegantly as well. But their apartment looks like dudes who snort urine. Yeah. It looks like dudes who snort urine, crush, fucking heroin.

But like their voices sound like they could host a BBC. No, if you didn't see the room, because the room says trauma. Emotional instability. There's a lot of financial stress in your life. Yeah. There's other things going on except the urine. See, I would just say this is like somewhere in Afghanistan. Yeah.

This is like where Ben Laden was found. I mean, they're sitting just like them. Yeah. So wait, where it? This is in the UK. This is some ISIS video thing. So one started to do this. This is how they recruit for ISIS.

It has not been successful so far. That's dark urine there. Yeah. The feeling is, it's like a cleansing feeling. No, it's not. Because you're cleaning your thoughts. Thoughts. Not physical.

Emotions, be it your urine or your water. You feel like your authority. It's dark then. Why is it so dark? Because he drinks his own urine. That's what happens when you drink your urine. It gets darker. Dude, his pee is like brown.

Your pee should never be brown. I mean, you want to try this? It's like, it literally oozes. Man, those guys are going to die soon. Yeah. Good thing I'm drinking water. Tom, where's yours? I already had so much today.

You feel calm. You feel relaxed. Calm and relaxed. Be in a bottle. Prove it. You've elevated yourself. Urine is the best one. Yeah.

Because you get in all the qualities of your emotions. No, you're not. Taken to your brain. I like that. All the information goes into your liquid, into your golden water. It's not waste. It's just excess water. It is waste.

Wants to be returned again to a top of the mountain, like rain, and come down the mountain again all the way through. Except that it looks worse every time. It's not purified. Like rain purifies water. Isn't it amazing like with the human mind? Yes. The illusion.

Of accepting as what you should do. Yeah. Yes. The level. This guy's giving a speech on it. And halfway through it, you're like, yeah, it might be something to try. Like he's actually like, oh man. Do you like the cup that they're using?

It's like a nice wine glass. It's like a sherry glass. But I like how it's like, it's never enough. Like drinking your urine is one thing, but it's never enough. These guys took it to the next level. They're going to inhale it. Inhale snorting. It's like rain.

It's snorting. It's like rain. It's buried in that too. He's got his game face on, man. He does look like Taliban though, right? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. That is Khalil Sheikh Mohammed's nephew.

Look, it's either, they got to take out their frustrations one way or the other. If it's not Jihad, it's inhaling urine. Now, one thing that I don't know, have you guys seen, did you pick up on the trailer for Laquisha? No. No? Yes. Let's watch Laquisha.

Okay. So you will remember, what was the old school one? What was the old one called? Soul Man. Remember Soul Man? Mm-hmm. That was like a movie that came out. When did that come out?

Oh, let me explain the premise, because I've seen it a million times. It came out in the mid-80s. Yeah. The premise is that a guy's trying to get into Harvard or some top Ivy League school. However, because of, I think his grades are not good enough or whatever. So, he turns himself black. He takes tanning pills. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And then he gets into Harvard. He gets into Harvard because he's black. Because he's black. And then there's like a bunch of, you know. Wait, it's a comedy? Yeah. It's from the 80s.

Yeah, it actually did okay. He had a lot as a kid. The theaters. It was on cable a lot. I had a bad childhood. Yeah. Let me rephrase you. He was a white guy that did black to take care of affirmative action.

Yes, but it wasn't called affirmative action. We have the trailer. Yeah. I can show you the trailer. That's crazy. This came out like 25 years ago. Harvard Law School. Yeah!

Yeah! Tuition and fees, 10,493 dollars. Harvard Law School. This is a big day for all of us. That's why I've decided to let you pay your own way. Estimated annual living expenses. You ever applied for a loan before? 7,500 dollars.

Mr. Watson, you don't pay your bills. Get out. Total for three years of law school. Wait a second. Look at this. Full tuition for most qualified applicant. Most qualified black applicant. 53,000.

Oh my God. 979 dollars. None of this would fly there. I thought it was a mirror. No. Congratulations, Mr. Watson. Thank you, sir. I'll do my best.

Holy Sunday, Daddy. But you know, this was a real movie that I watched over and over as a child. Many times. Like, this was a comedy. This was a funny, funny comedy. Then he goes like the YMCA. That's like Puerto Rican. Yeah.

He goes to the Y to play pickup ball and they're like, we'll take you, black man. Like that kind of thing, you know. Those jokes, yeah. There's 100 jokes like that. Wait, can I keep watching the trailer? I don't know. Thank you, sir. I'll do my best.

He doesn't use a black accent to get into Harvard. At least he didn't use a black accent. Yeah, no, that's coming. Great. These are the 80s, man. It's the Cosby decade. Mark Watson. All it took was a little soul.

I'd like to meet my good friend, Karim Abdul Ali. We've got Washington here on the coin toss, so he'll pick Leon. That's Watson. Right. Sorry, Marcus. Yeah, there may be a problem here. It was a black negro. A black negro?

You know, there's something really strange about it. I don't know what it is. Oh, God. Is she beautiful? You got to believe me. Oh, my God. What are you calling for? Tell her I'm white.

Don't tell her you're white. What's going on? Can we blame him for the color of his skin? Mom, dad, I'm black. What? No, you're crazy. Mark Watson. Come on now!

From the producer of Risky Business. That's pretty epic. It's pretty crazy. Now, by the way, the thing that stands out the most to me is that, like, Harvard law was 7,500 or whatever. I know, that's so cheap. I was like, bro, are you going to hang yourself over that? Yeah, I mean, shit.

Now, what's interesting is that they knew there was a boundary somewhere because he didn't adopt a black accent. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, they kind of were aware that that must have been inappropriate. Exactly. Well, I'm serious because they didn't make him be, like, jive top of stereotypically whatever. Is the trailer that we're about to see?

Yes. Is for a film that was made this past year. And this is real. There's no excuse for this one. Well, I mean, by the way, there was a lot of movies back then where black guys went into white skin. Like, didn't that happen in trading places? Yeah.

Of course, there's white chicks and all that stuff. I think there was a balance. Yeah. And I think that what they were trying to do is like a sweet. I think they were sweet about it as sweet as it could be. Yeah. This one is just. Yeah.

And I think there was a lot about, like, black people were new to us in American culture. There is, like, the Eddie Murphy movie, Beverly Hills Cop. Love it. It was, like, the first time, yeah, white people had hung out with black people. Yeah. I feel like one of the big things, too, on the one we're about to see, which I'm telling you, 100 percent is real. This is a trailer for a real movie that is is made and it's already finished.

It's, you know, it will be viewable at some point somewhere is that it does have this element of, like, the story feels like it gets dated. You'd expect it to be from 25 years ago. Easily. You know. What's it called? It's called Loquisha. Loquisha.

Let it rip. You always seem to say the right thing to just the right person. What's your secret? I'm really just talking to myself. I don't charge for my advice. Well, you should. Because, please, I saw this and I thought of you. You will be a hit in no time.

Welcome to The Joe Show. I submitted myself to a radio station for my own show. Congratulations. They rejected. Well, congratulations, though. You weren't right for your own show. Jason skipped it. I need to get the money for this school.

$13,000 a semester? That's me is your own show. I was a black woman. I'd be perfect. I'm Loquisha. She's brilliant. I know. Get her in here.

Loquisha don't be. The biggest thing in radio, but I still need my anonymity. You nervous? Get her in here. It's not a crime. It's theater. You got a black supporting actor. What's your problem?

Hi, Loquisha. It's free. Oh, I ain't talking to you. Not the way you sound. Next dollar. You go, girl. You just be good to her. If you good to yourself, you can be good to others.

Don't be too good because the police are coming around. Yeah. Where did you get this? I got another job. Doing what? Consulting work. What the hell would you know about being a white guy anyway? I know quite a bit.

Loquisha is a real role model for every African-American woman on this planet. Like the whole city has a cuisha mania. I am Loquisha, officer. What was that? I think I might be a black woman trapped in a white man's body. You need to talk to Loquisha, just because she's a woman and a black person doesn't mean that she doesn't understand you. Is this really happening?

I'm on a bridge above the river, and I'm going to jump. Thanks for calling. Enjoy your jump. I got to start listening to her. Wait, that was super dark. That was supposed to be funny. She's like, hey, I'm about to kill myself. Well, do it, bitch.

Bye. That is right. I actually thought it was funny the first time. I thought they were going to do like a touching twist where, because they actually showed her on the bridge. Oh. She was like actually about to kill herself. Who is the main guy?

Is he someone? I don't know. We don't know. Obviously. Because it feels like a Rob Schneider thing. Rob Schneider is. He funded it himself. Rob Schneider is a black woman.

Yeah. It's definitely self-funded. The guy definitely put his life. It was analysis. He definitely put his life. So a funny thing is in the trailer, it says like official selection, San Luis Obispo Film Festival, you know? What?

And then San Luis Obispo Film Festival put out a statement. That said, there was like an error when we, like we just said that they could be part of art, but they were not an official selection. That's awesome. And then we removed their film before. Like this is before. That's so awesome. Yeah.

So I think this is just the case of an extremely unfunny, overly confident individual, which I've encountered people like this before. Yep. Yes. Crazy. Good analogy. Yeah. Man, I'm still reeling from that one.

I like how he's got a bunch of black supporting cast just to make it seem like it's okay. Yeah. That's how you legitimize it. Well, he actually, there's actually a really good comic in the trailer. Who's in the movie? Dwayne Perkins. Oh, he's such a man. He's a really good comic.

Why? I mean, he's in the trailer. I know. He's great. He's a great comic. He's amazingly funny. Yeah. He's really funny.

Let's get him on the phone. I want to know. So what happens with a movie like this? Does it come out? I don't know. It's starting to get like, you know. Traction. Traction for people talking about the trailer and people being like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah. That it might be, I don't know if it ends up being like one of those things, like the room. Yes. Absolutely. And then the guy's like, I made $20 million from the controversy of it. I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, definitely if you give people, like people, I feel like us, the option to see it, I would watch that movie. I would watch it. I would pay $20 for that. To ironically watch. I would have a screening. Yeah. Yeah.

I would throw a party. I would throw a party. Can we rent a theater for 100%? H3 listeners. It's more exciting to me than the Avengers. Oh yeah. Endgame. Yeah.

Dude, if you seriously walk me into a theater right now and go theater one has Endgame and theater two has the equation. I'm like 100%. Yeah. I'll sit through two screenings. I want to see it again. Because I feel like we laugh a lot in Loquisha. Uncomfortable laughs.

It would be pretty good. Would you watch it in IMAX? Him doing his Loquisha voice would get me every time. Sounds like a guy, by the way. A white man. Yeah. Girl. Yeah.

He didn't even go like, just let's dub over. You got a black lady dub the whole time. Damn. That's a good fucking voice. Do you have his name? Yeah. Isn't it Jeremy? We could probably get ahold of him.

We could definitely get ahold of him. I think that we ought to pursue this. You having him on your mom's house to do press? I would definitely have him. At age three. Yeah. I would love to get a call from him. That's it.

Yeah. His name is Jeremy Seville. Jeremy Seville. I mean the name is Seville. Oh, he's a Seville. Seville. Laquisha itself is a pretty racist name considering like a white guy named it. Yeah.

Laquisha. And I don't, I've never actually met a Laquisha. Like I've been, I've met a lot of, I knew a girl in school named Afrika. Oh, interesting. I've known, I've known crazy names but never, I've never actually met a Laquisha. Well now you have. Now you have. Meet Laquisha.

What else do I know? Oh, I've known a Sandisha. Sandisha? Really? Yeah. Sandisha but not a Laquisha. She used to suck in her snot very aggressively in sixth grade. You remember that kid in class was like.

She would just do it all the time. Do you think it was? I was so gross. Will you come to a screening if we. I'll be there. I'll be there. We should do, we should invite our fans. Yeah.

Do like when you were premiered in your film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should bring everyone to have a party. Like him, make him give a speech. To make it like his big day. Why don't we try to do this? I'm serious. Let's do it.

Would you guys do it? Would you do it? A hundred percent. Okay, let's have a screening. I would to get the best seat. Yeah. We can even make a video, like an H3 video and pump this guy up. Get him going.

We should probably get points on it though. Yeah. Because I see this going global. Yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah, I want points on this. Yeah, I want a back end deal too. Yeah, I want a back end deal.

Yeah, of course. We're all in on this. Yeah. I know it's crazy. I grew up in the suburbs of Los Angeles, Ventura. Yes. And I grew up, I almost, I don't think I've ever known a black person. Really?

What? I know it's fucked up. It's fucked up. But I've just, I've never been in a situation in my life where I've been in close proximity with black people. I've never known a black person. Are you being serious? Yes, I'm serious.

Like all through elementary school, high school? No, no. I swear to God. We have an employee now, but I guess you mean like growing up? Yeah, I know. Like, yes, I was in, I went to school, elementary school, high school. There was only like a couple of black people in a class of like 500. And in college, I went to UCSC.

They had a joke. Oh, there's no black people? Exactly. No, I know. And it's not by design. I'm not avoiding black people. I'm just, I've never really known a black person. Well, I think he made this film to speak to people.

Yeah, it's a good, it's an assimilation. You know? Yeah. So you're relating. I'd be down to hang out with a like a white dude pretending to be a black person. That would make me a lot more comfortable. That's something that can get my toe in the wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then maybe I can graduate. It's a safe way. Yeah, I agree. That's wild, man. Yeah. You guys have been friends with black people? Yeah. How many black people have you known in your life?

In my life? Gosh. I've had black roommates, man. Holy shit. Yeah. What? To the, yeah. To the third power dog?

They used to have, they used to have it. They used to have it. Fucks so hard, too. Oh, really? Yeah. His name was Tony. And the chicks would call him Tony Man. Tony Man.

Yeah. His name was Tony. Tony Man. Tony P was, you know, real. And then they'd be like, is Tony Man there? Like when they call the house, I'd be like, Jesus Christ. I'm not saying Tony Man. And yeah, I've got Tony.

Someone's on the phone. And then they would scream. Like, oh, Tony. It's that big black hawk. Yeah. She was getting black. She was getting that bite. It's just too bad.

Just had to pick over it. You have a black cast member. Yeah. We do. I just had to check. Yeah. So fashionable, too. Do you have a huge dick?

I just... Did you? No, I said, no, do you. Not did you. Well, I don't know. You used to have a big dick? Yeah, I used to. Not anymore.

You hang out with too many white people. Started working here. Strong. Any. Sorry. Yeah. So I don't know. Maybe you want to be friends with me?

I'm looking for new experiences. We have Jews, blind people. Blind people. I'd love to be a friend. Thanks, man. See how great that was? Yeah. Just like a regular human being.

Yeah, he sounds normal. I'd like to stay for lunch, but my wife sabotaged me. Yeah, I know. That's the way it should go, by the way, you know? With like a black friend, you know? This should be easy. I said that one. What's that?

What do you say? He said this shit should be easy. You think it doesn't understand. Was it a black guy? It was. Super black. I don't... Yeah.

Cheese. That was Laquisha. Oh, it was. Oh, it was. Hit me with it again. It was a short one. It was a short one, yeah. This shit should be easy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was very nice. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. All right, so we have to wrap up. We have to...

Oh, man, we're going to end on this now. No, but this was fun, man. This was great. You're talking about your big dick. I'm so happy for you guys. Obviously, you should check out the H3 Podcast. Yes, thank you. You should watch their videos.

Thank you. You definitely have to go check out that Instagram versus Reality video. It's hilarious. Thank you. And then we're going to work on a Laquisha screening. Yep. Oh, yeah. Oh, and Teddy Fresh.

Check out their gear. I'm wearing their jacket. Teddy Fresh. Thank you. Bang, bang. Very, very fresh gear. The always delightful Ethan and hilarious. Hilarious.

And she was today. Yes. Oh, my gosh. What was I? Oh, we have to give you your shirts. Oh, yeah. Since you were invited on your mom's house. Oh.

These are invite only. Oh, for real? These are seated products, huh? Yes. Well, you have to be invited to the show. So this is pretty exclusive. Pretty exclusive. They're not for sale.

No. You can only get them by being a guest on the show. Yeah. This is 2XL. I specifically requested a 3XL. Oh. So. We had two in the front.

We'll look to you. You don't really need three shirts. I'm just reacting. Sorry. No, I like it. I'm really into oversized shirts. You got to save some for Bird, man. Yeah.

Definitely. Yes, save those for Bird. No, you guys are the best. Thank you for coming. Thank you guys. And we can't wait for you guys. A little Teddy. We'll tell you.

Can't wait for you guys to become parents. Come back after you've had some parental experience. We'll talk about that. Yeah, that's true. We're going to talk about it. They'll be rad. Oh, my God. Well, guys.

Can't wait, dudes. Yeah, thank you, everybody. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? We in here talking about a big black dog. Big old dicks. Yeah. Big, big, big old dicks.

Yeah. Big old dicks. Yeah. Big, big, big old dicks. Yeah. They're dogs. Slop. An inch dick.

Black dick, black dick. An inch dick. Black dick, black dick. I bet his dick is huge. Long dick and then normal cycles. Big old dicks. Yeah. Big, big, big old dicks.

Yeah. Big old dicks. Yeah. Big, big, big old dicks. Yeah. Big old dicks. Yeah. Big, big, big old dicks.

They're dogs. Slop. We in here talking about a black dog. Dogs. Dicks. Dog. Dogs. Dicks.

Dog. Dogs. Big old dicks. Dogs.