Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 501-Adam Ray & Maz Jobrani-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 29, 2019

Hey, Mommy! We have a high and tight episode for you today! We start off the show with a trailer for a new TLC show that Tom and Christina instantly fall in love with, "sMothered," which leads to one of Christina's most foul "Would You Rathers." We also get into PROOF that Tom Segura pre-dates any of those Tinder instagram accounts that are trying to steal his joke from 2014! Then Christina and Tom reveal a fantasy they have about their son's swim teacher, and Christina reveals a new scandal: Dental Floss Gate! What other things does she do wrong as a 40-year-old?   Then Adam Ray joins the Mommy-Dome to talk about his new comedy album "Read The Room," long distance relationships, Game of Thrones, John Travolta, taking care of business on buses and planes, and an interesting video of a cool guy shoving somethin in a cool place.   And straight out of Vestvood, we have Maz Jobrani joining the mommies as well! We talk EVERYTHING Persian: from LA Persian culture, to representation in the media, to Shahs of Sunset, we cover it all! We even uncover a YMH exclusive the Maz actually dated Mercedes Javid for a COUPLE years!!! Chips in a bowl! We also get Maz's take on some of Christina's psycho tendencies! All this and more on episode 501 of YMH!

Thank you Vic S for Beat 233 Murcielago. What's it called? He has it labeled Beat 233 Murcielago. Oh, is that Spanish? Oh, Italian. But we'll take it. Thanks for always sending in your instrumentals. They go to yourmomspodcast at gmail.com.

Don't DM me. Don't fucking tweet it to me. Oh, look who's not a personality champ. Only if you want to play it on the show. Yourmomspodcast, right? At gmail.com. I answered DMs on Instagram. No, no, I'll answer DMs.

I'm just not gonna play your thing from it. That's all. Kind of a good person. OK. I'm on the road. The Take It Down Tour continues. This week, every show is sold out except for the added show in Chicago.

June 2nd, the late show. The Chicago Theater has tickets. Go to tomscure.com slash tour. Go to the box office if you're in Chicago. The following week, the late show in Richmond, Virginia on June 13th has tickets. Everything else minus, yeah, no, the rest of it is. And then I roll on Tulsa.

Wichita and Kansas City. There's tickets to the show June 30th in Kansas City. The tour rolls on. Appleton, Rockford, Peoria, Cedar Rapids, Evansville. Go to tomscure.com slash tour. And of course, we added a show in Winnipeg August 16th. We added a show in Vancouver, August 17th. Make sure you know.

Oh, September 14th added show in Durham. And there is a matinee show added in Dublin, Ireland. So go to that November 3rd. They're doing a matinee show. The original show sold out. A bunch of European dates are on sale. Thank you guys very much, Jean. First of all, I thought of two new words for your dates.

Wichita could be wet crotchita or wet crotch itcha. Is that too far of a stretch? I mean, wet crotchita. Wet crotchita is feasible. OK. And for Winnipeg, I was thinking will he peg? I like that. Thank you.

One I too. Not bad. It's got a big nod there on that one. 50% batting average really good, actually. I'm trying, guys. May 31st through June 2nd. Is that right? I'm at Flappers Comedy Club in Sperm Bank, California.

And then June 20th through 22nd, Washington Dick Come at the Dick Come Improv. You've got to try to say it right sometimes. Are you telling me how to do business, Tom? So people know where you're going to be. Are you telling me how to do business? If you just say. Well, why don't you read the dates, then?

You do my dates. May 31st through June 1st. Burbank. Sperm Bank. She's at Flappers Comedy Club. June 20th through 22nd. She's in the nation's capital of the DC Improv. Dick Come.

Go ahead. August 2nd through 3rd. Salt Lake City wise guys. Short Lake titties. Go ahead. September 5th, Milwaukee at Turner Hall Ballroom. Milk, milk ballsy. Wait, what are we calling it?

September 6th, Talia Hall in Chicago. Chicago. It's a great place. Oh my god. What I'm most excited for you, September 7th. You're doing the Wilbur in Boston. It's moving so fast. I know.

If you want to see me, you get it. We're going to have to add a show, I think. Oh my goodness. Yeah, it's exciting. What's Boston? Boston. It's Boston, Massachusetts. Now, Ballstones.

Boston. October 3rd through 5th. You're at Nashville. You're at Zany's in Nashville. Nardsville. November 22nd, the Neptune in Seattle. Meet Rattle. And finally, November 23rd, the Aladdin Theater in Portland.

Portland, Oregon. Those are my dates. Christina P. Online. If you haven't seen my stand-up specials, please check out Mother Inferior on Netflix, as well as The Degenerates. I do a half hour, eight months pregnant. There you go.

On Netflix. You look hot. Really? Oh, I've been waiting for you to say that. What do you like best about me today? Everything looks really great. Thanks, Jean. Do you love my hair?

Yeah. It's Alan. Yeah. Teeth are white. You're going to get it. You're backed up. I could tell on the way in, you are a little grumpy. You've had a cold, so we didn't get to clear your pipes out

for the last week. Now you're ready to get your pipes cleaned, and I can tell. Yeah. And we're doing our overnight trip tomorrow night. We're leaving the kids. We're going to stay in a hotel. We're going to do our mommy bonds.

We're going to do. We'll start with the balls. What are you talking about? I thought you meant to start with ordering in. I thought you meant, I thought I was just saying like start with my balls. We're going to check in the hotel. I'll milk your nuts.

Get the poison out. We can watch a movie, get some interim dining. Be great. Take it out. It's not like a pump. Later on, we'll just go stay with our parents. Spend the night with our parents. My favorite.

So disturbing. I know. Go ahead. Go ahead. I'll start the show. Let's do it. My mother and I share the same bed. I'm the little spoonish.

She's the big spoon. We act alike. We dress alike. We're like twins. After this, I'll really look like you. We party together, club together. I feel like my mom should live her life now like she's in her 20s.

Why shouldn't she do that? OK. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom was the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

Tom Segura. Christina Pajitski. Welcome to your mom's house. How long is this intro? No, I'm fucking pissed. Is this a normal length? Yeah. It's so long.

Why is this shorter? No, I thought you were joking, but the next episode will be five minutes long. I hate it. It's too long. Do you know what the fans want or not? The feedback I got was that people want a fucking long introduction.

That's what I heard. All my favorite shows, I've not liked a long introduction. What do you mean? I like the monsters theme. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It's short and it's sweet. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. That's not what people are saying to me.

I'm on the road. I'm out there. People are like, I love the podcast. I want the longer intro. People are saying that. Nobody said that to me, and I've been on the road. Well, I've been on the road a lot. That's the main thing people say when they meet me.

This is not true. Yes, it is. What cities are they saying this in? Everywhere? They're just like, longer intro, man, longer intro. People are saying it. That's what they want. Nobody wants that.

OK. I mean, look, in the YouTube comments, you can monitor that. Yeah, Blueban, what are they saying about the intro? I'll tell you this. If they say it's too long and they want it shorter, I will sign off on a new intro that's half as long as this one. Yeah, I mean, I'll put all that to rest. I haven't seen one comment complaining that it's too long.

Oh, my god. The only complaint I see is that it's not long enough. There you go. Yeah, so don't worry. Next week, we'll get a five-minute version. Thank you. I think this is biased. I think Robert Mueller needs to do an investigation.

You guys are, there's collusion going on. OK. Can I tell you about this opening clip? Is that, you know what? This is such a, I'm so excited. So am I. And I'm already upset about it. That's what I like.

I like a show that I'm excited to watch. It's already pissed me off. Now this show, it's been brought to our attention, is called Smothered. And it's a new program on TLC. I don't know how I missed this. I mean, we were literally looking through TLC catalog last night. I didn't find it.

But I'm very excited. Grown ass people. Just neck and neck, great gardening with mom. Right, it is great gardens, exactly. And that is a cautionary tale about this kind of a life. But here's the deal, man. So at first I saw it, I was repulsed. And then I thought, what's wrong with having this kind

of relationship with your mom? If you're both into it, is there really anything wrong? Yes. What? I mean, I wish I had a mom that I like. My mom was a fucking animal. No, I know. Like if I had a nice mom, maybe I'd want to do this too.

No, it's not healthy. I mean, there's a spectrum of healthy, normal behavior, and this does not fall into it. It just doesn't. What are they depriving themselves of? If they don't want to be married to men, they don't want children, what's the problem? Your mother is supposed to be a guiding force, nurturing,

caring, loving, but it's not supposed to be your lifelong roommate. So it's. Works for me. I wouldn't mind Ellis and Julian staying home. Because they're babies. I don't want them leaving. I know, but that's a normal way to feel about them as babies.

When your son is 30, he's like, getting in the bed with you, mom. Even better. Oh, no. Come here, babies. I would love it. Do you want me to tuck you in as he's, yeah. You want a story, juju?

But you're just putting children's behavior into adults. That's what's going on. That's why it's not healthy. Oh, that's right. It's acting like a child. It's an adult. I guess. They're both living their own life, you know.

No, I mean, yeah, they're not opposed to it, but it's still not good. It's going to make me happy when that lady is left alone. Do you think she still breast feeds her daughter? That would be fucked up if she's still like. What if she eats her out? Oh, stop. What?

You don't eat your mom out, can you? You could. You can. Would you rather? Oh, fuck. Would you? OK, hear me out. Would you rather eat your mom out?

Oh, God. Or she gives you a blowjob with eye contact. Oh, shit. You've got to pick one, or we kill both your children. God, damn it. Nadav, what would you rather do? Would you rather eat out your mom, or she gives you a blowjob with eye contact to completion?

No. Josh, you're going fast, going fast enough. What's Potter thing? I've got to think about this one. Yeah, this is a real thinker. Yeah, well, come on, TikTok. I'm going to murder your dogs, your children. I got it done to your baby's head.

Maybe if you're, I think maybe, Jesus Christ, eating out is different because there's no eye contact. And you're close enough where you could maybe pretend it's something else, a blowjob. She's looking right at you making eye contact. There's no avoiding that. What if you really get into eating her out, though, because you're not looking?

Yeah, that'd be, that's nightmare fuel. Yeah, that's terrible. I hope that wouldn't happen. Or, OK. Yeah, that could really backfire, Tom, you're right. Or she gives you a blowjob, no eye contact, but you have to come. I'll make it a little easier.

Which one of you, you brought this up? You brought this up. I did, but I didn't take it here. But you know that I pick up the ball and I toss it into the basket like LeBron, or whatever it's called. Yeah, that's a 1940s commentary. He tosses the ball into the basket for two more.

OK. Come on, answer the question. I don't want to answer the fucking question. I've got to go into your baby's head. Kill my kids. No. Pick one. You eat your mom out, or she gives you a blowjob.

Fucking A, man. It's a completion. Why don't you, you thought of it. Why don't you answer it? My mom's dead. I don't care. OK, so you've got to blow your dad. Or your dad has to eat you out as he looks at you.

He's very much alive. What's your answer? Hurry up. I can't. Come on. The eye contact is what kills me on there. So you blow your dad. OK, yeah, yeah.

Well, because then you could zone out. Like, you could take your mind somewhere else. I mean, we've all given dad. You're like, it's Ryan Gosling. Yeah, we've all given lazy blowjobs where you got to take yourself somewhere. And your dad's like, that was really good. OK, then you, now you.

I answered it. You fuckers have to answer it. Really? You guys are pussies. Just fucking answer it. It's a hypothetical. It's not a reality. It's a hypothetical.

Well, whatever you said then. Oh, stop. Don't pussy out. Don't be a fucking. The no eye contact version. I'll take that one. OK. Tom.

But actually, you said that you have to rise. You have to come to your eyes. Yeah, close your eyes, but you have to come. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is really. That's the point you fucking sissies answer it. How come I'm the girl and I'm more of a fucking man?

Come on. Is there talking about it afterwards? Like, do you have to? Of course. Yeah. No, you got it. You got to have dinner together afterwards. No, no, that's the worst part.

Yeah. That's the worst part. And then you have to give. Like, tips like what you liked and what you didn't. Oh, my God. That's the worst part, man. That's so disgusting. This is absolutely so exciting.

But pick one pick one so we can move on with the show. OK, I got it. OK. I'd blow my dad. That's not on the table. That's what I want to do. Why are you picking? I'll blow my dad and your dad.

I'll do a double blow job to avoid. To avoid. OK, I'll take I'll take that. I've never done this before in would you rather. But I would take that. Go ahead, native. Yeah, no, no, I contact closing. Oh, you said that.

Yeah, OK. So what about Potter? Did he decide? Yeah, Potter. You've had time to think. I guess I'd eat my mom's pussy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Chris. Oh, Jesus. Got to answer. Josh would eat his mom out. Jesus Christ, the savage. Yeah. This is a real thank you, Christina. Chris, do you need more time?

No, he doesn't get more time. We've got a gun to your dog's head. I'm just going to snap decision. I have a blow job. Blow job. You take the blow job. I'll take the blow job. OK.

Interesting. OK. You guys are all savages. Doesn't it almost seem worse, by the way, to do what these people are doing, just live with your mom? Like, wouldn't that be terrible? Oh, if I mean, yeah, would you rather, like, get a blow job from your mom or live with her?

Oh, my God, I'd rather kill you for, like, two years. Oh, my God. No, I'd rather commit suicide. If I had a little, no. Like, I left home the minute I could. I would never have known. Like, a small, nowhere to hide. No, that'd be the worst.

But you don't have to talk at all about. Your blow job? Yeah. Yeah. But again, I mean, what's the downside? If you like your mom and your mom likes you, I mean. Well, you know what, why don't we get a little more exposure to what's going on, right?

Isn't there more? Let's see what else is going on. Because I feel there are mothers and daughters that they, this is what happens, especially when you're a single parent. A lot of times you become very close to your daughter. My mother and I share the same bed. I'm the little spoonish. She's the big spoon.

We act alike. We dress alike. We're like twins. Left to this, I'll really look like you. Yeah. We party together, club together. I feel like my mom should live her life now, like she's in her 20s.

Why shouldn't she do that? OK. If the water is still hot, we will share the bath water. If I could find a man version of Angelica, I would marry them in a heartbeat. Oh my gosh, I love it. She is the love of my life. You can tell that they're channeling the energy

in the wrong direction. Right. You can tell. You can tell that, like, Lay, that's very telling that she says, if I could find a man just like my daughter, I would marry that man. But she's putting all that energy that she should put out there into finding a partner.

I know, but I feel like you're being negative. These women are ecologically minded. They share bath water to save water. It's kind of a nice thing. I don't know what the problem is. That is fucking foul. I wouldn't even share your bath water. No, it's disgusting.

It's disgusting. But I would share my sons. I don't mind. And then I'm going to tell you, I bought you this ring today like a lover would. I know, that's too weird. I wouldn't like that. And then giving mom pedicures, just making sure everything's

are you all right, everything good for mom? It's too much. One time my grandmom made me give her a pedicure when I was a little girl, I hated it. Her feet were so gross. She had Fred Flintstone feet. Like old lady. Yeah, you remember, because when you're,

I mean, old people are so disgusting when you're little. Like, you know, when they're like, go hug grandma and grandpa and you're like, ugh. And they smell. They smell different. Yeah. The death that's imminent is like, it smells. Yeah.

And you know, they have things coming out of them. Yeah. They're dying inside. Yeah. And I just hated touching her. And I remember she's like, give me please, I would like a pedicure. And then like, she was like, oh my God.

She was very affectionate. How old were you? Like seven. Give me pedicure? Can I have pedicure? And then she make my cousin Shadi and I give her like leg rubs to like massage lotion. Yeah, that's no good.

Ugh, stay here. Old people, old people, lotioning is not good. It's so gross. She was a real asshole. Christina lives five houses away from me. We need for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Gee, you guys could shovel a little

and I wouldn't have it any other way. You guys are wearing the same sweater, really. Yeah. My sister is very obsessed with my mom. And my mom is very obsessed with my sister. You absolutely- See how she knows, like the girl knows. But why does her mom?

Why is her mom in Motley Crue? Yeah. Dude, she looks haggard. She just lives rough. Right. But like, why does she look so bad? That looks like a coffee mug, but that's vodka. Right.

But I'm being serious, because I don't want to look like that. So like, what can I do? I don't want to look like that. Well, what is she doing that I can avoid? Do you know what I mean? Is it alcohol and sunlight? Alcohol, sunlight, smoking, lack of sleep, drugs.

Yeah. Hooking up with her daughter on a regular basis. Cool. All those things will age you. Yeah, I don't want to look like that when I age. What have you found out that lady on the left is like 38? She's just bad genetics. Well, you know, those gypsies don't age well either.

Remember that gypsy show? Easy on the G-word. That's what they call themselves. Romany Shale Gypsies. I'm Romly. My big fat gypsy wedding. We used to watch that, remember? And the gypsies, they always age.

That is like a 40-year-old gypsy woman. I'm Romany Shale Gypsy. Oh, they hate the Hungarians. Hate those two guys. I know, the Spaniards do too. Oh, boy. Boy, he done this. Remember, was it in Hungary where Madonna was like,

and I support the Roma people? And Hungarians were like, boo, it was like an arena. Just like, I stand with the Roma people. Boo. That is one thing I will give to my tribe, is that they're very, like, hey, bro. Step fast in the racism. We don't like others.

We don't like this gender nonsense. We don't like foreigners. Like, hey, you don't like it. Don't come here. Like, all right, cool. No, no, Hungary's really got that down. They're openly xenophobic, anti-semitic, anti-homosexuals.

All of the above, which is fine. I mean, if you want to be that- Which is fine. Hey, I'll tell you some. And I know in this fucking snowflake generation that you're supposed to be all-inclusive. Everybody loves you. Guess what?

The world doesn't operate that way. So if you want to live like Hungarians, go live in Hungary with the other people that think the way you do. If not, come to America. I'm doing a show there. I keep forgetting that. You should open with the Roma people.

I should just get up there and be like, the Jews are a problem. The gays are a problem. And just see if they're like- Standing over. Yes, yes. And just start putting techno music on. He's like-

Segura, segura. He gets it, he gets it. They're gonna, I gotta teach you some phrases to say to these people when you show up, bro. I'm gonna walk them down. Michenas. Michenas, I don't like to say that. What are you doing?

You rotten gypsies. That's the wrong way to say that. Rotten gypsies. You can't even say it. You get to say rotten gypsies. They forbid by law now gender studies? Yes, the president or the prime minister. He did.

He said we're not giving any money to the universities to study this gender stuff because we don't think it's real. Or he just thinks it's a waste of resources. What's your pronoun? This is what I understand. Anyways. Just like, hey, hey, how are you?

What's your name? What's your pronoun? And I saw on the gram that a lot of transgendered people are upset about the new Snapchat filters where you can swap gender. Have you done it yet? It's so fun. No, boy.

I've got them on all the cool apps. They're upset because they think that their gender is not a joke and you shouldn't be joking. That is a great point. That is a good, good, good. You guys are doing good. Yeah. Snowflakes, that's just, okay.

So big news in the segment. Not a joke. Not a joke to swap faces with somebody. I stand by that 100%. And you know what? Also, this bullshit about the future is female. Yeah. How about the future is intersectional, all right?

Yeah, yeah. Like, I mean, a lot of men have a uterus. You know what I mean? So I'm so glad someone's saying it. Yeah, pretty soon we won't be men or women. We'll all just be one unigender, which is a dream for me. I love it. For me too.

Makes you want to come. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Seeking a coming. Wait, hold on. Don't you think that I should be offended by the filter that puts dog ears on people as well, because isn't that against animals, cruelty to animals? My hound is not a joke.

Right, my dogs aren't a fucking joke. You have the hateful piece of shit. Yeah. Okay, so big news in the Segura house. Our son, Ellis, is taking swim lessons. For the second time. For the second time. He's three and a half, so we did it last summer,

but he wasn't really able to kind of pick it up. He couldn't really focus, and at least two and a half. Yeah, last, well let's start with last summer. Sure. Last summer, a girl came over. They come to the house, and it's a girl, by the way. I signed up for these swim lessons. The person comes to the house, and I fucking eyes on.

I watch. Because they go, do you want a male or a female? I'm like, what do you think? You think I want some fucking guy touching my little boys? Never. No. Never. So I ordered, and I made sure to call it.

I go, I want a woman, sweetie. Even though we're all gender neutral, right, Tom? There's no such thing as gender. No, I agree, because guys are perverts. So, I don't want your little fucking pervert swim Luganus AIDS patient coming in to my fucking pool. Figuring my boy. Babe.

So we get on the phone, we say we want a girl, and then the lady goes, do you like big dits? And then we said yes, and guess what? What did they send over? Oh my gosh. The biggest fucking pair of tits. I mean, they were so big that I'm glad I didn't have to point them out, because you were like.

Of course. Wait till you see these fucking tits. Well, here's the deal. I mean, we're talking like screaming out of there. Screaming tits. They were like airbags, like airbags. They were old world tits. They were like from another time.

She was like. Renaissance. She was like a German grandmother. She was 16 or something. Yeah, yeah. They were enormous, like triple Fs. Yeah. Well, because I had big cans growing up,

but my cans were. Not like this. No, like I had a C cup by the time I was in like ninth grade. What size do you think her tits really were? This is what I'm saying. So there's girls that have big racks, which is what I was, but I could kind of camouflage it.

Like Nikki Glaser and I have. Deceptive. Deceptively large breasts. Now there's the other facet. There's always that one girl in your class who's got the basketball tits. And she gets called a slut from like day one, even though she probably was not a slut,

but there's freakishly big tits, and that's what this swim teacher had. And every time she'd come over with that one. We were like, look at the cans on this one. I mean, they were just like, no wonder you got into swimming. All you do is float. I mean, they were just ridiculous.

And I was nervous because we were kind of making fun of her in front of Ellis. And I'm like, he might say something like, look at your big tits. Or dad says your tits are big. My dad said that I bet there's a lot of milk in your tits. And she's like, mm-hmm. So big.

I'm in high school. Anyways, he was too young. He was. I mean, it was great to get him acclimated to the pool. Yeah, he got in the water, he gets acclimated. And then... Plus it's a safety thing. When you got a pool, you gotta teach the kids how to swim.

But anyway, he didn't learn how to swim, but he got used to being in the water. He liked being in the water. Yeah, he loves it. And then it was like, all right. So then a year passes, we're coming into summer again. You call, you get a new swim teacher. I'm out while the lesson starts,

but when I come in, I walk back there and I see that our three and a half year old is in with a new swim teacher who and our son is naked in the pool. Yeah, he refused to wear his swimsuit. So he took it off. And then he took the diaper off and I was like, have you ever taught a naked three year old?

She goes, yeah, two girls though. I'm like, well, you're about to get a dong in your face. There's a little boy. He's in there and he's having the time of his life. I see it. And he's doing all the stuff that they were trying to get into last year. Like holds onto the wall, climbs on the wall.

You know, he's doing like kicking out. And you can tell he's having a blast taken. She's trying to get him used to getting under. So splash yourself with water. This whole thing and we're sitting there. And then I, you know, I see, I keep laughing cause every time he pops up, you see his cute little butt. And I'm like, you know, wouldn't it be something

if like right now I just got naked and got in the pool and then she's like, what's up? And I'm like, oh, we're all just swimming, right? And then. By the way, Tom's telling me this fantasy like 10 feet from where she is. I think it'd be great to like, you know, I just drop, I drop my shorts and no one says it.

Like you were just like, mm-hmm. And then she's like, oh, and then what does she do? Does she just stare like in the other direction? Right? Does she try to pretend like it's normal? She, she pretends she'll go, um, and then she'll just kind of let it go. I think she might just go, um.

But then I keep popping out like our son does. So like you keep seeing like dick and ass. And she's like, okay. And then I go, oh, can you help me kick too? And then I just float over to her and I start kicking. She's like, oh, but then she might go, we didn't, I didn't sign up to teach you. It was just for children.

And I go, but I don't know how to swim either. And what if you. I'm just standing, I'm just standing. But what if you, oh, no, no, here's what you do. So Ellis is in the pool and then you pull down your pants, you take your shirt off and then you go sit by the steps with your legs open, right? Where they are.

And you're just like, I'm watching. I'm just watching you guys. I just want to watch them learn how to swim. And then she goes, oh, okay. And then like a few minutes later, you take your clothes off and then you're naked and you're sitting on the other side and you have your legs open too.

So she's got that right into your snatch. And then. But we don't say anything yet or do it. But then like after five minutes when she's like, all right, and she just keeps focusing on the kid. And then we go, hey, you're going to take that thing off or what? And then she's like, what?

And we're like, I mean, why are you wearing so much? Okay. No, she doesn't say at that point. She just she'll leave. I think she should leave. No, she takes it off. No, she won't take it. She might tolerate the nudity from both of us.

She might be like, well, maybe they're European or they're nudists. And then, but I think once you tell her to do it, it's done. Then I take the boy in, I come back out and then I just lay on the platform. So like my feet are in the water, everything else is out. And then I just, I start. No, in front of your kid.

No, I take him in, I said. Oh, okay. So now we're just sitting out there. No, no. And then the nanny comes out. Oh yeah, the nanny comes out and she puts a hose in her crotch and she sits on the edge of the pool.

She's like, oh, fuck. This is so stupid. And then we all, and then I masturbate and then we start. And she goes, what's going on? And at the same time we all look at her and we go, we don't know how to swim. That's great. This is such a great sketch idea.

Yeah. If anyone out there wants to make this, a famous director or something, we should do this as a sketch. This is a really good idea. I thought it was a pretty good idea. Anyway, this is what we were talking about as our child was getting his swim lesson.

And then she was like right there. I'm like, oh, she can definitely hear us joking. She didn't know what we were saying though. No. This I'm really happy to talk about though, speaking of big tips. Sure. So, as you guys know,

I've had to deal with a lot of plagiarism, people stealing my ideas and concepts. That's why we watermarked my mom's amazing fart from last week. I gotta tell you, listen. She was crying. Can we discuss episode five? My mother cried this week when I talked.

Wait, wait. Let's discuss episode 500 because, I mean, listen, I defy you to find another podcast that cares enough about their listeners to create the fucking quality content that was episode 500. That's pretty great. Brendon Urie, a Panic at the Disco lead singer,

came on the show. Not only that, he made a song for us. Amazing. Which we played at the end of last episode. Adam Ray, I believe, did we put Adam on that? On what? On 500, was it on there? No, it was just Brendon.

It was just Brendon. Yeah. And then to top it off, I mean, not that Brendon Urie was a massive highlight, you secretly taped your mother farting. One of her original, the OS baby. This is big time, Tommy. I got my mom through one of her epic farts

on episode 500. Amazing. Yeah. Amazing. She started to cry when I talked to her the other day about it. Yeah, so how is she feeling about this? Not good. She goes, I can only imagine if my mother were alive.

If my mother were alive. Doing something like that to her. Putting her so low. And then I asked her, I said, she goes, how many people do you think we'll see it? And I go, I don't know. I go, I think combined with the video, the audio, and then I go, and then I'm gonna put on Instagram,

Twitter and everything. I go, I think a couple million. And she goes, what? She's just like a heartbroken. It's the best. Do you think she wanted to renegotiate her terms with you after she heard? Yeah, she can't.

Because what did she get of you? A handbag, a trip to Vegas. Yeah, and gambling money. Plus, scambling money. So, I mean, I think it's worth it. For a 10 second video. Oh, and a phenomenal 10 second video. Yeah, I know.

That's a good exchange. Yeah, it sounds, it sounds. When she was asking at me, I was just like, mm, okay. So wait, what kind of handbag are we, Gucci? No, no, no, no, no, no. She wanted this Toomey bag. Oh, that's not, and that's a lifelong purchase. The Toomey bag is the best for everyone.

And they have a great warranty, yeah. Okay. Okay, so for those of you that don't know, show me how those big tits part. Something that I randomly tweeted a week ago. For, you know, I've done it over the years a few times, but some people were like, oh, you got that from that Tinder profile.

No. And I'm like, no, they got it from me. And some people were like, what are you talking about? So there's this, you know, there's this page that will show Tinder exchanges. And somebody in 2016 had messaged somebody, show me how those big tits fart. Well, I knew that I said it way before then.

And you guys did the research. Look at this, April, 2014, episode 214 of your mom's house. It's in the description, but also we have audio from that episode, is that right? Oh. Let's see this. About, I really would like to share with our, I really like to share with our listeners

something you said to me on the couch. Was it Sunday night? We were watching Mr. Selfridge. And I was gassy as usual, and I was sitting on your lap and we were just like cuddling and stuff. And then just share the phrase that you said to me. I said, show me how those big tits fart. Yeah.

I'm sorry? Show me how those big tits fart. I mean, look, you were giggling at that in 2014. Yeah. By the way, it looks like it was my birthday when we posted that. Oh, right, April 16th. I mean, there's, look, I posted it June 9th, 2014.

Right. Oh, wow, wow. I just want the record to show that I did not take it from them. That it's clear. Oh, and this is from an interview in Vice Magazine. Also from 2014. From 2014, where we're asked,

tell me about, I keep seeing on your Instagram comments, show me how those big tits fart. That's the interviewer asking us, and I say, it's pure nonsense quote that directly from our lives. And we talked about it on the podcast. So it's, you know, I just wanted to make clear the evidence is there. If you want to avoid the evidence, that's up to you.

Let the record show that Tom Segura is the originator of the phrase, show me how those big tits fart. Very true. That's it. And also, I'm proud. What's your pronoun? My pronoun is Zim.

I'm an ore. Ore is great. As in either or. Or, yeah. So I got to get into this next talking point. So ever since I had my towel drying revelation, I've been noticing other things. So by the way, I did just purchase a towel

that's like a robe, that's terry cloth. It's coming in the mail. And at my second revelation, the hot smoothies. We discussed the hot smoothie thing. I've since amended that. I've been putting ice cubes in my smoothies. Anyway, I brought it up to my therapist, and now I'm noticing all these things

that I've been doing that are just so self-negligent. Is that the word? Or just not self-caring? Yeah. Okay, so I recently figured out this latest one. My dental floss thing broke. The container broke. Are you listening to me?

I am listening. The dental floss container broke. So you know that I've been using that dental floss that's just the wheel of stray floss? Yes. Because I don't wanna waste floss. I like flossing. And so I let it on the counter top and you saw it

and you go, ew, that's unsanitary. It's getting dirty and now you're gonna use it. I don't care about the dirty stuff, I still will use it. But here's what I've been doing, and this is so stupid. So instead of cutting the floss, I've been ripping it with my finger, putting it against my finger. That's why you have a bandaid?

Yeah. You are completely retarded. That's why I have a bandaid on my finger. Because the floss digs into my finger skin. And then I have to wear a bandaid because it hurts so bad. And not once, twice. This is the second time I've done it. And finally the second time I'm like,

I should stop doing this. I should probably just get scissors and like cut the floss or just get a new floss container meeting. I know. I know I'm working on it. Why are you doing that? I don't know. I'm working on it.

You're just pulling it? I pull it, I rip it and then it digs into my skin. You pull it until it snaps? Yeah. All right. Yeah, I don't know. Right. I know there's a metal edge on the thing

specifically to cut it, but the metal edge broke because the container broke. So I just have a stray wheel of dental floss. How expensive is dental floss? It's like nothing. I know. I fucking don't know what's wrong with me. I know.

You are completely retarded. That's offensive though. I like that. I would never. You use our word. I did not. You use our word. I didn't use it.

I didn't use it. Anyways, that's my our word behavior update this week. I'm trying to find, I'm trying to revamp my life guys. I'm doing things that are good for me. One step at a time here. Towel drying. Yeah. Not using our fingers to tear dental floss.

And I'm putting ice in my smoothies now. Putting ice in ice drinks. Which is really exciting. I don't know what's going on with you. Gene, I think it is time that we get ready for our guest. Oh my gosh. I can't wait. So that's it.

Here we go. Guest time. I'm supposed to play something. Here it is. We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break. And we are here with a dear friend, a fellow comedian and podcaster.

He has a new album out called Read the Room. You got it. It is the one and only Seattle zone, Adam Ray. Hello. Hi, welcome back. It's your second time. Yeah. And the mommy down.

I love it. Gonna be back. New studio rules. Last time I think I was one of the last people at the. The house. The old dig. Yeah. You still have the house though, right?

Lost the house. Shit. Lost the house. Lost it in a deal. In a bet that I lost. But the kids, you know. The kids came. You didn't bet the kids.

The kids are still with us. They have different housing arrangements. That's fine. That's cooler as a kid anyway. You wanna have multiple places to sleep. That's true. Kids love sleepovers. They do.

And they love the outside. Cause outside you can, yeah. You can sleep. Dude, they've adjusted to the non bed thing. Yeah. Their room is. How often do you get to see owls? Yeah, your room is nature now.

It's great. They're very resilient. It's just character building. That's what we're telling them. For sure. Did you say owls? Owls. Is this where owls are prominent?

Yes. Can I tell you something? That's scary. Terrifying. They made a cartoon or some CGI movie where they're like, hey, the owls are like Sean Connery was an owl, I think. This fucking owl flew by. Blitz in a tree.

Fuck owls dude. Dude, the wingspan and the speed with wingspan. And the smarts. Aren't they smarter than like bears and shit? Their vision is out of control. They got 20, 20 vision. More. They got one, one.

They can, you know, they're night hunters, right? So they're nocturnal hunters. And they can see like you see during the day and at a great distance. They find Waldo in one glance, you know what I'm saying? Peak and there. Boop. Yes.

Well, we sit on the summertime, we sit on our back porch there, a little back patio. And this owl lives in this ginormous tree we have. And just as the sun is setting, you see him come out and he starts to hunt for the night. And Tom and I caught him a few times, mice, dogs, little dogs. Snatch up your Jewish dogs just like you.

Little chewy, chewy dogs. Chewy, chewy. Squirrels, you know squirrels are all chewy and shit. Fucking hell. They are. They're all hoarders, you know. Yeah. Always complaining.

All the nuts. That's gluten free. And wing. And wing. This tree is too tall. It's cold in here. Now we cheer on the owl. Get those juice.

We have rabbits too. We have cute little rabbits. They die. Owls take rabbits. They die. And also coyotes in the area. Oh yeah. The coyote owl fight is when I would pay to watch it.

If I were to pay for a pay-per-view event, if they were like following Pacquiao Mayweather is owl versus fucking coyote. I would 100% cheer on the owls. Because who's winning that? Well, I don't know. Coyote, don't you think? The fucking coyotes are horrible, man.

They are. And they go for who? They sound horrible. Little dogs. Little dogs and rabbits. Yeah, rabbits. God damn. So do you gotta get like a coyote-proof fence

or like a tranquilized gun? They'll jump right over your shit, man. They jump right over. They're pretty fence. Yeah, they start howling. Yeah, and they hunt packs too sometimes. Jesus. Sometimes they're solo and the other thing is crazy

is you're midday driving down the street. You're like, well, there's a dog over there. That's a coyote standing in the middle of the street. Directing traffic? Just basically like, go ahead. And then they just. Are you a rabbit? Yeah, come over here and sit over there.

And they just, yeah, they're just on the prowl. They're nasty looking. They look like scraggly dogs. They kind of, they jog on the street. What do we need coyotes for, by the way? Can we just, what do they, you know how like, people like spiders are keeping the world, keeping all the insects out.

It's true. Well, you wanna get rid of spiders? Well, then what would you, then when all the mosquitoes carry you off into the ocean and you're like, what's fucking, what are you talking about? Yeah, what do coyotes, who are they taking out that's helping us?

Rabbits. Do we have too many rabbits? Cats. That's Joe Rogan. I bet Joe Rogan knows the answer to this. He does. Joe knows all this. That's a Rogan question.

He's eliminated a few coyotes in his neighborhood. Rogan has, for sure. Well, because they, with that bow and arrow. Well, they, you know, he just goes out there at 7 a.m. and he's right. He has a chicken hut, you know.

Oh, that's right. He has a chicken hut and coyotes killed all the chickens. Yes. The chicken coop. Yeah. So he has them. That's fucked up. And they killed them all.

So I think he weighed it out. But like, there's no, you know how like, you know, chickens were obviously getting their eggs and they're, I was about to say they're milk. I don't think we're getting that yet, are we? Chicken milk. Oh, I've had it. Yeah.

It's a quick way to get kicked out of Starbucks, but you can ask for it. It's good. It's good. Chicken milks. Can I have some of that chicken titty milk? Chicken titty milk. They only give you very little,

but it's so strong. But coyotes, there's nothing, there's no organs, there's no meat that we're getting from them, right? That would make... I mean, I feel like what we're working towards here is you're calling for a slaughter of all coyotes. Like coyote genocide, if you will.

Yeah. Look, a lot of people come on podcasts to promote stuff. Yeah, and you're like, I come to start revolution. The coyotes. We got too many of them. I agree. I agree.

And by the way, there's not gonna be that many people pushing back on a coyote massacre. No. You know. A massacre? Wow, we just really jumped. I was thinking like, let's find a couple.

Oh, I'm saying, you're just fucking plant bombs. It's fucking set fires. Yeah. Yeah. What about snakes? We have snakes too. We have rattlesnakes.

But they're like the spiders. They're like, the fucking snakes help. Yeah, they do, right? Bro, I saw a fucking black widow. I was, our gate wasn't working, and I lifted up this cover for the mechanism, and my head was right up against it, and I look, it was in the morning,

and I look back, I put my head back. There's a fucking black widow right by my forehead where I was standing. Holy shit. That motherfucker was this big, just chilling there. And it looked fake. It looked like one of our kids' toys or something.

I was like, fuck, man. That's why you can't get any insect toys for your kids. Right. That accident of mistaking them. So you're saying I was this close to wife number two? Yeah. Yeah. Coulda had her.

Yeah, that's a real fuck. Fuck. Can you believe that, chef? I mean. Does your girlfriend let you talk to her like this? She's pretty, I mean, like she, she, you gotta have the back and forth like you guys have. It's very, if you can't laugh that stuff off,

you know, then it's. How long have you been with her? Two years. Oh, that's a good run. Yeah, that's good. I did long distance three. This is the first relationship I've had in a long time that wasn't long distance.

I did long distance from, with three different girls, probably from 18 to 27. Damn. One was college, like Santa Barbara to LA. And, and then one, and that was cool. Cause then it was like every week and I'd go up there and just, you know, consume the debauchery that is Santa Barbara college life.

The place is fucking boggers. I thought USC was like a party school. You go out there and kids are just like, let's jump off the roof, into the ocean, fucking, then get the beer, go underwater, get the beer, fucking chug it underwater. It's the best place. Yeah.

It's heaven. So this chick is what? She's a comedian or an actor? She's in script supervisor school. So she's trying to be a script supervisor. Yeah. Next to the director, the person that all directors hate, right?

She would have caught that coffee cup in Game of Thrones, hopefully. How does that air? How does that air? Dude, I think that's a strategic move by Starbucks. Fuck yeah, dude. There's no reason that that should have been there. Well, here's the thing.

It's one thing for it to be like, there's things that could be in the shot, but in post, nobody would be like, nah, and then. You can digitally take that out. So now I'm just curious about who did Starbucks outbid to get that product placement? Was Jamba Juice like one pube away from just fucking having a razzmatazz sitting next to it?

I love razzmatazz. That's my favorite one. They don't have that kind of juice. That's Starbucks. They don't have that kind of juice. You're all Jamba, no juice. All Jamba. That's a big talk, man.

Who else do you think was waiting in the wings to get their beverages? I mean, that could have been like some Wendy's might have been up in there. A Biggie Fry just chilling. For sure. A Frosty. Dude, BK, Mickey Deep, but like Starbucks.

Bikki Deep's making a nice comeback. They're like, our patties are now full of, you know. Fuck McDonald's. Chicken milk. What's that? I said fuck McDonald's. Fuck McDonald's, dude. Fuck him.

Fuck him, I'll say that. Ba-da-ba-ba. No. I'm not loving it. I'm not loving it. Somebody told me Timberlake came up with that jingle. Did you know that? I heard that.

Fuck, that makes me not like Timberlake. I already got it. He got over 2.3 million, I heard, but. Did he really? Yeah. I feel like he should have gotten more. I think. That song plays all the time.

I think he's probably gotten 10 times that by now. Yeah, he's fine. He's definitely fine. Let's not talk anymore about how Timberlake's not living life to the fullest. Let's start a GoFundMe particularly. Sure. Are you going to marry this chick?

What's going on? What's the tit-sitch like? What's that? The tit situation. Great. Great. That's it. Well, who cares about everything else?

We're probably four years away from kids. Right now, my nieces and nephews fill the kid void right now. And I'm 36. I think by 40, I would like. You're going to be a dad. You're going to be a dad. You're going to be a friend. But I want to be all in on it.

Because right now, I feel like I still am putting me first on every. But that's my drawback. And then people like you guys and other friends that are crushing it with kids are like, you can do both. You actually figure it out more so. But that is my concern is that I would just go so.

And I know that when starting out, you got to be like Sandy Danto was telling me that he's like, yeah, I didn't do anything for like five, six months, but be with that kid. And I was like, well, you can probably find some balance. And he's like, no, really, not at first. I mean, you tell me. Well, I'll tell you personally, I like to take one year slow.

Take the first three months totally down. Tom will take off. You slowed down a lot when we had our children. Because those first couple of months are so sensitive. Yeah. You don't get those months. You got to make sure they're not like rolling over on their face and stuff.

Right. Yeah. Well, just it's a sweet time. First 90 days. 90 days. Yeah. That's the. You got to make sure there's no owls coming around and shooting out labyrinths. Owl will for sure take a newborn.

Wasn't that what happened in labyrinth? Yes. Owl. Was it the owl or David Bowie? David Bowie was the owl. That's right. It was like, yeah. Dance, magic, dance. Dance, magic, dance.

Mm-hmm. Nobody saw me turning into an owl because my balls are just flopping through this leotard. Fuck yeah, dude. I'm paraphrasing. I think that was the song. I wanted to be like in the meat of this before I forget. Yeah.

Read the room. Yeah. You recorded it in San Francisco. Yeah. One of my favorite clubs, which apparently. Hilarious. I love your album cover. Yeah.

Really went for it. It's really good. There was a nude beach that, you know, was trying to come up with something that was, you know, that popped, that was like, obviously kind of jokey, but not, not like, you know, so over the top, hand bone, like another one I kind of played with

that my buddy sent me was like me, like in a full suit in like a raft and like a kid's birthday party in the pool, you know? And I'm just like, hey, I never like wear suits. So it just looked weird. And it was all, it was just too like, I don't know, 1980s. Do you like suits, by the way? Like when you see it, are you like, oh, that's nice.

Yeah. I mean, like the times I've gotten to wear them for stuff, it's like really fun to get the nice stuff. And then it looks, it looks, and then basically you, everyone looks good in a suit. Fuck yeah. And then you're like, I should have a bunch of suits. That's exactly what I think every time.

And then you go like, nah, I'm never gonna wear a suit. As soon as I get out of it, I'm like, nah, fuck that. Yeah, I'm never gonna wear a suit. It was too much. Yeah, yeah. You're gonna wear, I'm gonna wear this jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah, which is clearly not photoshopped. Those are my hands.

But when did you, when did you record it? In February. Oh, okay. So that's pretty recently. Yeah. That's quick, that's a quick turnover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we just did it over four shows.

I pretty much used one and a half, maybe. And there's, you know, I like to do a good amount of crowd work in my hour. And so there's- You're good at it. Thanks, man. Yeah, you're good at it, man. I, you know, I have to though, like, force myself to,

you know, there was, when I was first starting to do it, sometimes in the hour, it'd, you know, be, I'd always make sure to get 45 in, but then there'd be, you know, 15 and 20 in crowd work. But I never wanted to have that be like a crutch, where it was like, you know, 35 a stand up, 25 of- Is the crowd work peppered in throughout? Yeah, oh yeah.

And it's, and it always is, I have a few like, you know, jokes that I, as I'm going into them, I kind of set up, like, and talking about what I want to be, how I want to be in the NBA as a kid. And that was my kid dream. And then I used that as a way to ask somebody, like, oh, what was your kid, like, what do you do now? And what's your kid dream?

That's always a fun, organic way to, like, get some raw information that can be, and then, you know, I liked to, first time I saw crowd work really was Patrice O'Neill at the punchline, was one of the first clubs I went to. And man, he just sat on that stool for like three hours and did, must have had five to six different things going, threw all his brilliant material,

and then he was, he wove them all together at the end. And I was like, mind blown. And I was like, oh, that seems like the way to do it. Like, if you can really call back and be truly cognizant of, like, what you did, and if you can make things weave together and, and, uh... I fucking hate all these three hour people, though. Oh, that was too much.

Yeah, it was too much. It was the Saturday night, like, last show of the weekend, so I think he just went for it. But every time I hear about those sets, I'm like, what are you doing? It's so greedy. It's crazy. Who wants that? Nobody. And then when they use it as a point of, um...

Like some kind of... Look how long I did. Like, yeah, dude. I did four and a half hours. Why? What? That's cool. Yeah, dude. Like, I love...

Send it with a fucking word, people are like, I fuck for five hours. Yeah. Dad. Dude. That's Adam Wright comedy, honestly. Like, I love Dave Chappelle, but I wouldn't want to watch him for five and a half, six hours.

No, and I just, you know, I was talking about him with somebody and this the other day, because he's famous for doing these, like, incredibly long sets. And then somebody in the conversation was like, just like two weeks ago, 60 minutes on the dot, like amazing. Boom, in and out.

Right. Which is like why that time is the time. Yeah. You know? I mean, that's the amount of time. Also, isn't there something to be said about leaving people wanting more? Right?

Yeah. And also, I don't know, 60's a lot. Yeah. I think 60's too much. 60 to 70. 60's too much. I like 45, 50. 50's my sweet number.

Yeah, that is sweet. Anymore than that. That's a good number. I think when you get off. I hear you. When you get off, I've noticed a big difference when you say, and good night, at 55 to 58. Yeah.

There is definitely more of that pop of like, oh shit, like this is over? Yeah. Then if you do like 75. Oh, 75. Yeah. And then people are like, yeah, great, okay, yeah. Yeah, that's great.

But they're like, kind of a time to go home for less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I've never gotten into any of those Lord of the Rings movies. Oh my God. And I mean, I know I probably should. Three or what a nightmare. No, it's the fucking most boring thing on the planet.

I mean, we've watched them. I watched them. But it's fight, battle, battle, battle, battle. Midge, it's talking to each other. When they stop making earbuds, then I'll tune into Lord of the Rings because right now that dog is up to some crazy dude. He's picking up ping pong now.

Yeah. The dog? And if you, earbud. Oh, earbud, very good, sorry, sorry. Lord of the Rings is it, how much of that in Game of Thrones are consistent? The same thing. It's the same thing?

I don't know. Are they all looking for the same prize? They're all looking for it. I don't know. They're a ring in the fucking Game of Thrones? That's the whole point. They're gonna figure it out. Right at the end, last episode,

they're like, oh, there's a ring. Cause I tried to watch Game of Thrones. You and I have tried a few times and it feels too Lord of the Ring-y to me. It's the same thing, right? That's dark, it's medieval. And there's dragons and little people hugging a lot. I feel like,

Yeah, that's too much in any movie. In any movie. I mean, even one is like, are you fucking serious? Yeah. Wait, one movie, what are you thinking of? I don't know. I did notice I was, we were watching a movie with a little person

and there's never a reference made at all. No, that's so stupid. No one says anything and I'm like, no one says anything? Like, nobody? I think it actually was Peter Dinklage. And I'm sure he mandated it. Of course he did.

And it was like- Dude's got no sense of humor. Yeah, I've heard this. Is that right? Yeah, even on his SNL appearance, that was Brad, my little person, which by the way, if you don't have one in your life, definitely pick one up for the holiday season.

For people that don't know, you and Brad Williams is a great comic, a little person, but he's a great comedian. Great comedian. Also have been doing a podcast together for years now. Yeah, almost 500 episodes. Oh! Is that really that long too?

Yeah, crazy. That is long. Just fucking long. When did you guys start it? In 2013. Oh, wow. It's a long time, man. Yeah.

But- He's so funny. You can't fall for one. Yeah, he's great. You can't, yeah. What's the name of it? It's about last night. About last night.

Yeah, Brad was, that was his big qualm with Dinklage's SNL appearances. Like dude, he didn't like do one. So he could have come out in the monologue and maybe even like taking questions and been like, you know, any questions about, you know, and people being like, yeah, what's a- Yeah.

What's it like, like when you can't like get, when you can't like get the cocoa puffs? Like how do you, do you call a friend? Or like just a bunch of little- Right, any like- And having like kind of just disregarding them and be like, well, anything about my career, you know, and just always-

Right, yeah. Play into it, yeah, yeah, yeah. At least do a little bit, but- No, I've heard that, but like in that movie, it's the one where like, it's kind of like a- What are they saying about it? It's like a thriller of some type. Well, there's Simon Burch,

that's Brad's like Rudy is what he says. Simon Burch is about the dwarf kid that gets- Yeah, I remember that one. What does he get? He gets like fucking, he gets a, he gets like a real de- What is it? He gets AIDS?

Is that what it is? That's what he overcomes? Yeah. I don't know, I'm vaguely- It's something size related, it's like maybe it's AIDS. No, they make him tall, but then he gets AIDS. Is that what it is?

That's what happens, yeah. So in the end, he's like, I'm tall and they're like, but you're gonna die. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, oh. Dude, about this whole tall thing, man. Congrats, by the way, big deal, no pun intended, but-

You're gonna die today. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Wait, wasn't Peter Dink, he was like a detective. Yeah, yeah, that's the one. So here's the thing, it's not like a, obviously like of a little person's in any movie, you know, it doesn't have to be addressed in every-

No. But like, when he's the star of this movie, he's like running, like no one's even like, looks, like everything was- The fact that he's in a world where nobody- Like there's no scene where he runs in and everyone's like this and all of a sudden they go, oh, shit, dude.

Or nobody is like, hey, you're- This is him. We'll look up his IMDb, if you can pull up his IMDb. I think- Because in the real world, that would happen, you know? People will be like, hey, dude, you're different, like it's just what it is.

Here we go. Goodness gracious. Do you think he just gets so much- Oh, he's so annoying. Just like fucking right back. Oh, this guy's crushing it. Yeah, he's just crushing it, right? Scroll, scroll.

Is it- Fuck. Rememory? Rememory. Sesame Street. That's what's stuck out to me. Aw, that's a good, you've made it. Do you think that episode of Sesame Street

was teaching kids about dwarfism? That'd be cool. I don't know. Big Bird was like, why is it that I'm so much taller than you? But you're a person and I'm a muppet. I bet you so. You're actually more of a muppet than me.

I bet you when he did SNL, and like any of these things, you know the agent calls ahead of time and is like, by the way, don't even fucking think of writing a joke. Of writing a Sesame Street sketch. Of about fucking Big Bird. Don't you put him in that garbage can

and say he's Oscar's protege? That fucking Big Bird is taller than Peter. Isn't Big Bird taller than everybody? No. Yeah, this is the movie. This is him. No one's even like, hey. Rememory, that's what it's called?

Yeah. It's not bad. It's not bad. Yeah, he's got Chip on his tiny shoulder about all this stuff. I think he does. He does, unfortunately. Now it's one thing Brad does not have.

Brad, like, dad leans into it. Leans into it, man. Well, you know, it's also his dad really gave him that fuck to the one he was a kid where it was like, you know, fight back and like made jokes to him and kind of just got him that thick skin, you know? Yeah.

It's like a burp with his drinking. Yeah. Yeah, Brad was on Dr. Drew After Dark and he talked about his dad bullying him, essentially. Yeah, that's, you know, you gotta do that. Do you guys think about that with your kiddos? Yeah, I'm gonna be like, you're a fucking little person. You're a dwarf.

I'll be like, what? You're not smarter than Big Bird in a piece of shit. Tough enough. No, yeah. I mean, I can't, the thing is at their age right now, there's such these delicate, sweet little things. They are, dude. As innocent as possible and unaware.

You know, I was, my nephew is 16 and I saw him Snapchatting with some girl and I was like, you sent a picture of your dick and he was like, you got mouth full of braces. He was like, yeah, yeah, that's what I'm doing. I was like, that is what you're doing. He's like, okay. I'm like, just cause you're saying it like that

doesn't mean it's not what's happening. He's like, yeah, it's what's happening. I'm like, yeah, for sure it is, right? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, dude, you're never gonna know the stress and anxiety that comes with, cause he has that immediacy to reach out and connect with her.

And I'm like, you're never gonna know what it's like to call this girl and have her dad accidentally pick up. You know, remember that when it was just like, you know, it's Christina there, you know? Who's this? Uh, fucking, uh-uh. Who's this?

And then you're like, then you look at the clock. And I guess, it's eight o'clock. You know, like he's like, it's too late. I'm sorry. He just recoil back. What are your intentions? Touch a tit outside the shirt? I don't know, man, I'm 12.

Freaks you out. Yeah, dude. And that guy knows. But yeah, you gotta go through that. No, it makes you a man. For sure. But now he's just like, what do you think it is? He knows you want a bus too.

Like that dude knows you want a bus on his daughter. My dad knew. And he was like, boys are fucking scumbags. All these guys are fucking scum. Don't let them in the house. You're not allowed to do this, don't you? I should let them in so they can look them in the eyes. Yeah, that's what he did.

And oh, fuck them, yeah. That's right. He would always have the boy come in, like come in, shake his hand, sit him down, talk to him. Whoa. You guys just wrote like an awesome gay porno. No, really.

We're like older guys and you have a girl. Here, let's play it out. Ready? Yeah. I'll be what's the name, Rafael. Okay. So are you the kid? Am I the kid?

Yeah. Okay. Hi, I'm here for Vanessa. Sure, sure, sure, sit down. Would you like cocktail? Okay. Sure, sure, sure. Diet right or?

Do you have milk? You've got to squeeze it or fresco. Fresco sounds good. It does, doesn't it? Yes, sir. Fresco sounds good, my daughter. Oh, excuse me? Yeah, you know, you know why you're here.

Yeah. But I'd like to talk about something else. Yeah, what does it feel like? Why we were right to it? Wow, that's quick. I mean, they're watching, you know, they want to see something. Still want that fresco?

Yeah. Just cut, you know? That's right. Well, plus guys don't fuck around. That's why gay men go right for it. Gay men go right to it, don't they? Yeah, they're not like, make sure you kiss my leg.

Who was he? Yeah, you know what? There's no courtship. Whoa, whoa, easy, Tomoth. Kiss my leg. Yeah, that's shit, no. No, dude, right to it. You guys know what's up, dude.

It's what's up into buttfuck. Buttfuck. Straight to buttfucks, huh? I mean, probably like a little rimming. Dick sucks. A little rimming, yeah. By the way, what's up into buttfuck is a lost track on Keith Swett's second album.

What's up into buttfuck? How many albums is this for you now? What's that? How many albums is this? Two. Up in the buttfuck. Catchy, right? I like it.

Throw some strings behind that. Maybe a bass clarinet. Yeah. Two, yeah. I did one called Pop-Tart Suicide. And then this is the second one. But this one is, you know, I was in that point where I was,

I definitely would love to, I got a big show in Seattle on May 24th at the Triple Door, and that's gonna be an hour of all stuff that's not on this, because I hadn't put anything out in six years. I definitely want to, you know, I would love to do a special right now.

And I was thinking to self-finance it, and then I was like, you know, cause you gotta bet on yourself at some point if you don't have people chomping at the bit, but. Did you see DiPallo, what he did? Yeah. So Nick DiPallo, who's a, if you don't know,

vet of comp 30 years as a standup, super funny dude, put out a shot of special, and put it on YouTube for free. I think that move is gonna grow. Yeah, Josh Wolff did that, Andrew Scholl's just started fucking with that, and it's, I mean, people just want content,

and that's why it was like, I just gotta put something out there, even if it is an audio form. And I had my buddies, you know, come tape all the shows on a couple red cameras, and so I spliced up a bunch of clips, and started putting those up, but I think sooner than later,

I'm just gonna, you know, and look, I mean, you know, you hear people being like, you could do it on your iPhone, and do it for like a couple grand. I'm like, yeah, if you're a dumb dumb, like that's not gonna look good. You guys spend a little bit of money.

Yeah, look good and sound good. Yes. And have it be the right space. Like, I don't wanna, you know, obviously like where you did the Neptune in Seattle. Oh yeah. Great spot. Great spot.

And like, I might wanna try to, like that's a hometown spot that seems like a great size theater that. It's a great, it's a great space to shoot it. If I could fill it up, you know. Yeah, Allie Wong shot. Oh yeah, yeah. Baby Cobra there too.

You know, there used to be a movie theater. Really? I stopped Blair Witch there, freshman high school. Really? The Neptune. Wait, what's the theater? What?

In Seattle. Oh, you did the show box. The show box. That was a great venue. Yeah. Okay. I just walked past it. Toilets right by the stage.

For real? So someone flushed in the middle of my special and like a lot. Could you get a whiff? No, but it was like aggressive. Like, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Went to like hold sound. Toilets, aren't we far enough advanced

technologically to have silent toilets? I know. You should be. Right? Like someone in the airport, you just hear like, some dude just, you know, ending his life in there through his asshole

and then just flushing the follow flush is just like more aggressive than the sounds he was making. Yeah. No, it's crazy. Maybe it's the toilet screaming at what it has to swallow. Yeah.

Definitely. You know, I was at the airport, the last time I was at the airport and I decided to just let it rip. You ever do that? Well, I guess guys do. When you make brown in public, do you not care?

I usually have headphones on, so I don't have to hear anything. Yeah. Sometimes I feel shy. I'll admit it. Like sometimes you're like, especially if you're pooping at the urinal. Like that's.

That is bad. Come on. That's like extra shy. You're like, oh boy. I'm gonna rock it right over the back of this thing. By the way, I did see a piece of poop in the urinal in Buffalo about two months ago. Yeah, but no.

Sort of got a little piece, yeah. Yeah. And that was probably Potter. Yeah. I mean, but like I see a piece of poop in the urinal and I go, all right, two things happened here. One, some dude rushed in, stalls were full, right?

Took matters into his own hands. He's like, I just need to make this happen. Or there's a new type of fella out there, I feel like, that we don't have all the info on that we'd like. And he's pooping out of his penis. Yeah. And if that's the case. That's fucking hot.

That's hot. But let's put global warming on the back burner. Yeah. Tracked on these penis poopers. We need to solve the shit poop. Get the owls on them. The dick pooping. Yeah.

Dick pooping. Would you, how, what would have to happen for you to make that happen? Like stalls. Poop out of your dick. Poop out of your dick. We'll put a pin in that. But just in the urinal.

I would you rather, hold on. Poop. That's a great, dude. Would you rather, by the way, how come there isn't some game show hosted by SeaCrest, just straight up called Would You Rather? I know, I know. This game is timeless.

You can play it when you're 10, you can. But hold on. Apropos what you were just saying. Yeah, pooping out of your dick. Would you rather poop out of your dick, or from our. Mary Julia Roberts. From our famous, you just, there's a sample in the call we did, whatever.

Would you rather come out of your mouth? Or poop out of your dick. Or poop out of your dick. This is the million dollar question. I know. It's actually, what would you rather? Because that's going to be all up in your grill. Pooping out of your dick seems like the most

painful thing of all time. Well, it's going to come out soft. It's just going to take longer. You're going to be like, oh. So we're assuming though it's not going to break the seal, right? It's just going to make its way out comfortably. But it's like toothpaste.

So, right? No, hold on. It won't count. Oh, you're right. You're saying you could tear your dick hole. Yeah, man. Yeah, never thought about it. No, but what if your dick hole was like.

Dick designed. What if your dick hole was designed like your butt hole so that it accommodates the brown coming out? For sure. It's like a butt. Wasn't this an episode on Oprah? Didn't we just, didn't we? Isn't this episode T-Bud somewhere?

Have you ever done that where you take the metal, the long metal pen and you shove it in your dick hole? Yeah, but like on like my, like on like birthdays and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Sounding. It's called sounding. Sounding, that's right. Wait, take the weight.

The metal, what? Yeah, keep it. In your ethra. You put it in your ethra. No, can you pull it up with that? Please don't pull it up. A catheter. Please pull it up.

Yeah, pull this up for Dr. Drew. It sounds weird. Is there some sort of weird urethra fetishes out there? Yes, that's what it is. And you put it in your dick hole and then you drink it off. I once got served at Roscoe's by urethra fetish and she was so sweet. I don't want to see it.

I don't want to see it. Those go in your dick hole. Those go in your dick hole. No, they don't. Yes, they do. They do. Yes. Wait a minute.

Those are nails. Yeah. And forks. Did the forks just come up? Yeah, dude. You, I don't know the amount of money. You know how guys used to play the game like, you took a dick for a million dollars?

Dude, would you put a penis beads? Penis beads? Look how long it is, too. Look how long it is. Dude, penis beads or butt plugs? Oh, fucking 40 butt plugs. Worst party favor. I mean, I thought you were asking me which.

I'd be like, just put them all in there. What gets you kicked out of the cul-de-sac quicker if you give these out on Halloween to kids? Penis beads or butt plugs? Penis beads. Penis beads. So there's some families that are like, the butt plugs. Look, we've all seen those.

Penis beads. What are you, an animal? Are you either doing penis beads or coming out of your mouth? I'm going to come out of my mouth all over you. That's what I would do. Also, like, that's. I go, ah. Yeah, that seems fun.

I've had come in my mouth that's not that big of a deal. OK. So coming out of your mouth is not that big of a deal. What would you do, Adam? Would you come out of your mouth drool-style? Like, uh. No, that's not. Or you go, ah, ah, ah.

I'm like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Rapid fire. Probably rapid fire. Yeah. Me too. I'd go for a distance. Like, you know those clowns at Disneyland, like, that you shoot those like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The old style, like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Wait, so you're choosing to come out of your mouth or do. I don't want to put those penis beads. That just seems awful. That sounds really bad. It's painful.

Painful. Go grab a butt plug. Will you put a butt plug in? Or penis beads. Yeah, I mean, like, you know, you take me to the Cheesecake Factory. You'll pretty much do anything. Let's say the script soup had a nice day at work.

Dude, a butt plug. That's got to be a butt plug. Do you think that's like, you know, two months, two years? Like, where in the relationship? Or do you think that's just like. Off the bat. Is that a deal breaker for some people? Yeah, for some.

But you know, like, there's, here's the thing. I feel like, let's say you're like, I live by the butt plug. You're not busting that out on date one, right? You can't. Date one? No, you have to. I would disagree. I was told to put my cards on the table.

This is who I am. I would say you lead with what your proclivities are. No, you do it at dinner before you fuck and be like, I'm kind of into it, but you don't have to do it right away. And then you, you know what I'm saying? You see how she reacts, and then you slowly. Because it is fun to get like flirty and kind of sexual, like, you know, date one or two, but like, you know.

Yeah, but you can hold back on all your stuff. Like, especially if you have an extreme, like if you're really in this, if you're like, you know, if you put this fire thing in my dick, and then you, you know, you piss on me as like, you're going to bring that up date one. No, you're going to hold on to it. Josh Potter disagrees and he has some intel. Oh, all right.

It's probably a fun way. Maybe you drop the butt plug like out of your backpack. Yeah. And on the floor, oh my God. Oh, geez, I'm so embarrassed. And you go, right. You know, it's hard to be like, yeah, that's good. Yeah, that works.

And then she's like, oh, what's that butt plug? And you go, yeah, let's, let's see what our. Well, here's the deal. Resident probation officer fucking has to say here. Here's the deal. If you're a butt plug person, meaning you're into the scene, you're, you're presenting that pretty early on. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what I say. I've had nudes where that was the first nude sent to me. Really? Yes. Is it a butt plug? Straight to butt plug. Well, she sent a pic with the plug in. Yes.

Wow. Yeah, but see here, this is not a. What was the caption? That is, that is not backing up the other side of the argument. Because what you're talking about is a fucking pig person. No, no, no, no. He's sending a photo of something in their asshole. I'm talking about going on a date.

Oh, you wouldn't go on a date with a cool girl that had a butt plug in her ass for the first time you see her. I mean, Jesus, you're a monster. Yeah. I guess that just tells what kind of person. Yeah. That fucking sure does. I mean, here's the thing, that pig can come over and get it

and put her head in the toilet and all that shit. But I'm talking about like a date. Yeah, ask someone out girl sends me a photo of a butt plug inside of her first thing that I say. The next thing I ask is I just got to check with my mom and see when you can come over for dinner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that. I get that.

But see, I guess I'm thinking date more and like I'm thinking of I'm talking about more like you're meeting somebody and maybe this will go somewhere. Yeah, that to me is like just smash city. Like you're just like, yeah, you're talking about a proper courtship relationship material where like you have your own kink, but you're not busting it out out of the gate. Is what I'm saying.

Also, where do you go from butt plug? Yeah, you're going from like butt plug is. But plug is kind of based. Yeah, that's that's kind of advanced. Yeah, that's not JV squads. But here's a deal, man. Let's say you guys really like each other and you're into each other and it's a month or two months in takes that.

And then and then you bring up the butt plug and then she's like, no, that's a deal breaker for me. You should know you're up two months ago. Now I like you. I'm with you that two months would be too much. But if you're going if you're going through a regular courtship and I'm not talking about where it starts with the here's a fucking photo of something on my ass.

But if like you meet somebody and more of a more of what's your favorite color, let's have drinks, let's have dinner. Let's say you make out on one, maybe you hook up on the third. You're grown up. Yeah, but like, yeah, you would start then showing your cards about things you like, you wouldn't wait two months to be like, I've been holding back on this the whole time. But you can still do it in a gradual way, right?

You know, I would say after you bust that first nut, yeah, you've done it. You've broke normal. You guys have done normie sex and then you're kind of out in the afterglow. And what are you into? What are you into? And that's when you can introduce it at that first. That's when they go like, what do you like? And you got to go everything.

Yeah, every specific. Just yeah, all of it, all of it. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Or just have like a basket of toys, you know, at the base of the bed. And here's the other thing you're not a kid. You know what I mean? No woman wants to use.

Oh, no, no, they're not. But you get certificates, maybe. He's like every girl that comes over gets her own. Yeah, can I tell you? I had a friend, a female friend who had just a box of just, just like just sitting out like a like a bowl of fishy crackers. And she would use them on the dudes. She's using one on dudes.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, I'm not a fan of that. You can get the new stuff for me. Yeah. I would love to follow. When you love to be a fly in the wall, follow Josh on a date. I would love to know what his cause is. I love to be an owl in a tree and fall on a date. That's the best view, man.

From up top, swoop down, maybe grab one of those toys. You know what's brilliant about Josh's whole game? Yeah. Is that he's not he's not a blatant creeper. Like he's not a douchebag. Like he's got this sweet thing to him. So the girl ends up being the aggressor is what I'm guessing happens. Is that accurate, Josh?

The woman is usually the aggressor. Yeah. And then when she shows her two colors, do you kind of meet her halfway and kind of up your aggressiveness? I mean, I like a good, aggressive girl. Right. It's like my cup of tea. So she's giving you the back rub. Yeah. Yeah. I'm into that.

I don't her foot in your mouth. I'm not into pain. I'm more into just like aggressive. Yeah, you like an aggressive lady. Yeah, he's not the aggressor. You like aggressive like her to hold the door for you. Exactly. I want to be courted all doted on. And you're the princess that you know you are.

That's exactly true. That's exactly right. OK. He's the oh Jesus. That sounded terrible. Oh, shit, we lost a mic. We lost a mic. Yeah, well, that blue band replaces microphone.

OK. I could see that about Josh that he's more he's sweet. He some guys need to have a bitch take over and you know, he's sweet, but he's waiting for you to step it up. That's really what's going on. I mean, he's waiting like he's polite. He has good manners and yeah. But what's going to happen is like you're the girl and he's like, oh, OK,

this is this is what I'm getting out of you. That's fine. But he's not actually satisfied until, you know, your hands are around his neck. You're fine. Is that right? I mean, like you're grabbing really pulling his nuts. Yeah, put his head to the wall. Give him a little smack. Yeah, that's what I didn't know that he's deviant.

He wants. Yeah, for sure. And he wants you to go into sixth gear. You know, he says shit. That doesn't totally mean that he kind of does like rip my teeth out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Use the N word. Use the N word. Yeah. Yeah.

What he he's like, I see a funny question. Now, who do you think is more likely to introduce a BP in a relationship? What's a butt plug? Yeah. Who's more likely? Travolta or Kelly Preston. Travolta. Travolta, yeah, for sure. Right. For sure. That guy was that guy was doing some weird shit now.

You've seen his social media. Dude, I can't believe that it's taken him this long to get on. And the fact that you guys have, again, been at the, you know, precipice of of this. Thank you for crediting us for a thousand percent stare. Look at those eyes there. And this is a guy that I feel like, I mean, thanks for all the comments and for everything you say.

And that's perfect. Can I tell you something? I watched his I went through after I saw, you know, and just everybody just here at the Bombardier Learjet Party. Yeah, we're having a Learjet Party. There's a boat in a jet and we're going to we're going to enjoy all the festivities. And I was like, I went down a Travolta rabbit hole and before the owl took it and I watched so many videos.

I watched the birthday party one. He was like, here's my birthday party. Yeah. And just in a guy say hi. And no joke, had a dream that I was at his party the next night. Oh, really? I don't dream. I just started smoking pot again to try to fall asleep. And man, I had a crazy full on probably 10 to 15 minute dream that I was at that birthday party that I watched on Instagram that he was like.

Yeah. Was it did he have a Learjet Party? Is that what he did? Yeah, like one of them was like it was like it was an yeah, it was an award. I respect that. Yeah. One of my buddies was his private jet pilot for a long time. Really? Maybe I should get him in here for you. Fuck you. I'll do it.

He's like, oh, John would bust out buttplugs on every flight. Couldn't fly without it. Dude, that is kind of I mean, and now that you mentioned it, like it's kind of I'd be kind of a turn on if you pulled out a buttplug and you're like, I'm going to call you the N word. And then you just started like using it. Yeah. What? In the heat of the moment, I think anything goes, you know?

No, no. They could backfire so badly for so many people. I guess I can't do a buttplug, especially because they're some of them are real big, right? They spread out your I mean, some of them are like that. Yeah, by the way, there's going to be so many ads popping up on our social media feeds for buttplugs after the discussion. You know what I'm saying? Because you start out kind of small and then you work your way.

Yeah, look who you can work up to there. Yeah. And so you got to tip your hat for the real vets or your sphincter to the guys who create that one there, the blue, the trinity. No, to the trinity, left, right, down, down one to the right. Look at those. I mean, how fucking big is that? Yeah, what are you trying to? Yeah, you seriously want to put that in your butt?

Dr. Drew said you shouldn't. You should not. He said you shouldn't prolapse your anus. What were his? He said it should be this big only the size of an OK. When you make the OK, some of your hand, that's about as big as that you should put in your ass. Damn, which is basically like a log.

Yeah, you know, it's kaka. Yeah, this is that that fall into the left looks like it's trying to that's bigger than OK. Get back at somebody like a high school bully. Yeah, that's Dustin Brody. Yeah. Tommy, how much for you to do it to get the big one in? No, we can't how long to take or how much would it like money? No. OK, private jet. I'm buying it for you.

But yeah, all right, I'll do it. But I'm saying, you know, if you were going into butt plex for the first time, you'd want to start with like the fucking junior. I have to say you work your way up. You go to the give me the one they give the toddlers, you know, give me the little one. I have to tell you that of all the sexual stuff, this is the least turn turn on for me.

Is putting anything in my rectum. Big fan of those rings, though, on that one. What is that for you to hold on to? Yeah, and you could pull that out. See, is that to attach to the jet ski? That is smart. That way it doesn't get lost up in there. Oh, is that what that's for, dude?

Pull that right out like you starting a lawnmower. That's a good anchor anchor smart. See, I would do the it's called the Doc Johnson. The mood is naughty. All that one's like, oh, do imagine if you had all four up in you. Imagine, I would feel like you can. Someone's got to have someone. Would you let me try that on you?

No, no. Some of these porn stars that win like best anal and stuff. Yeah, like is it like what? You know, I'm always curious. What is that? What comes with that award? What do they do to like for me? I'm like, yeah, dude, if you got all four of those in you in one scene.

Even if the scene was like shitty dialogue and the lighting was bad, you give her the award because of what she took, you know? But is it best anal because like she was one of the hot like she was like the Nicole Kidman of porn stars and the guy like, you know, you know, he did it. And what's the Sennheiser doing there? That's actually an industry term. Sometimes these things go fucking away.

Really? I've heard it called the plug on set before. Oh, really? When when you worked in porn. No. They call that a butt plug. Yeah. And there's there's like all sorts of weird names for certain shit. Like there's a baby plug for like you could say some really weird sentences when you're on set.

Yeah. How does he know so much about that life? I mean, he's on set. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Watching all kinds of weird things. Watching porn all day. All day. Oh, that's right. Yeah, we edit our clips.

So yeah, I have to say the only way I would put any of that stuff in my butt is if if somebody's like $150. I will. Yeah. Two for such as a nice $250 and a Carl's Jr. Western bacon, cheeseburger, extra barbecue sauce. No, I put you put that in your ass. If somebody were to threaten my children's lives, this is the only way. Put it. Yeah, this is the only way.

Give me all your money or your kids are going to die. Money. Sure. Take my money. Put this on your butt. Put it on your butt. Yeah. There you go. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. All five of them at once to save our children. OK. Is that a doorknob? What are you going to tell the interesting scenario?

When are you going to tell them that, by the way? They're like, you know, when they get to that angsty teenage, they're like, you know, carry that me. Yeah. You don't think I would push you to my butt to save your life? That's not what I said. I said you wouldn't let me do it. No, I'm saying to you, I would put things, multiple things in my ass to save your life.

Yeah. Tell me what what friends of yours have mothers that would go to that length. That's right. Butthole, butthole, butthole. It's a butthole song. How many good songs out there are about buttholes? You know, there's got to be. Oh, yeah. I don't know.

Some hidden, some hidden themes, you know, I mean, from the 70s, have to have some great metaphor songs. That's when all the real writing ended. Yeah. Yes. But like metaphor, you know what I mean? We're like, it was always like, you know, Atlanta says that song about, you know, that supposedly is about Dave Cooley.

Yeah. You ought to know. Yeah. That's about him. Yeah. Yeah. But they could have been about Cooley's butthole. Wait, so what? That song is about him. Yeah. Yeah. Not crazy. Did you ever go down on you in a theater? She blew him in a theater.

Yeah. That's the song is about Dave Cooley. A break in her heart. True story. Wow. Yeah. And Lionel Richie's Hello is about Bob Saget. Wow. No, that's not true. Dude, you had to double down on the full house material. Hello. What's this here? You know, because we're talking about putting foreign stuff up your butt. Here's a fun clip that's pre.

Seriously, you need to be doing this. Yeah, I forgot he didn't hear the butthole song. Oh, you didn't hear the butthole song. My bad. You know where you're camp. Well, look at that fucking hair. You don't want to put. No, no, I got it. Look at that. God damn fucking hair.

Does he look like a young Travolta? You look like John Travolta. Oh, man, I played Danny Zook on Grease myself when I was in school. Doesn't he? I quit football to do that. You mother. And guess what?

My coach was not supportive. No. Did he call you the F.A.G. word? He did. Were you there? He did. I see. He said good luck followed by that. He's like, good luck. Is that crazy?

Is that serious? Yeah, dude. Literally in his office, and I tried to make a joke, because I was kind of a funny guy, and I would do impressions of him and stuff. And I was like, hey, coach. So I'm thinking long and hard about it, but I'm not going to be able to memorize the playbook this year

because I got to memorize the lyrics to Grease Lightning. And he just pauses and goes. And then, yeah. Seriously? Delivered the line. Yeah. He said you called you a F.A.G. You're a sophomore?

Yeah, sophomore. And I was going to be like, you know, the senior offensive lineman got injured, so I was going to start varsity in my sophomore year. And I was going to be pretty big. And football was fun, but not. I wasn't going to go pro. Did you go back junior or senior year, or no?

No, I was it. And he was a basketball coach, too. So if I fucked up something in practice, he'd be like, sorry, I don't have a script for this fucking play, Adam Ray, you know? Wow. Yeah, just come at me. I mean, he was ruthless.

He would make fun of the Indian kids for mission shots. What is this fucking Ramadan? Dude. He's just really, yeah, he went in. One kid named Sonny, he had a turban on his head. And he's like, God damn it, Sonny. He's like, what the fuck is even a sonny? What the fuck's a sonny?

His brother's name was Chunny. Sonny and Chunny? Yeah, dude. Wait, let's role play. Let's go back to you. You're about to tell me. But he brought his kids to the matinee. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, that's nice. But yeah, but just was like, let's go back and make up in a leather jacket. And he's just like, let's go back. OK, Adam. So with Stuart out, you're going to be left guard. And you just, you know, we're going

to run basically mostly just kind of eye formation. So I just need to know that you're ready. Yeah. Wait, what do we say? What's that? You're telling me you're going to go do the play. Oh, great. OK.

Send me up one more time. So because I thought I was doing this at Dan Zuko for a minute. What's the improv? Stuart's out. We're not going to run any shotgun formations. Just be all under center. But you need to be ready because big game Friday. Yeah.

No, that's yeah. Home game too. So far up about that. Like we haven't gotten. We've been on the losing streak on the road. So I think when we get back home, that's when they have our fan base behind us. Well, I sure fucking hope so.

Yeah. So I was talking to my, you know, life is just like opportunities come when they come. And you know, being 17 is crazy, man. I'm just like figuring out like. You doing drugs? No, no. But it feels like it, though, because what I'm feeling right now.

Just get ready to play. I was talking to my mom a couple of days ago. And she was like, don't live your life to please other people. And I was like, I feel like I'm doing that playing football right now. And have you ever seen Grease 2 with Michelle Pfeiffer? No, I miss that one. Well, there's a better one before that. And our high school is doing the play version of it.

And the only other person auditioning I was told by our director is an Asian kid named Danny Park. And I think I got a pretty good shot. What? You're going to do a play and not play football? April Fools. Yeah, better be. Psych.

Yeah, I want to play. I want to play football, but you know, like Madden and stuff. And like this is just to I'm going to play a good luck fag. Oh, dude, that was real. It was a true start to the heart. That took me right back. Wow, that's good, Tom. That was really good, dude.

That really rolled off your tongue. Thanks, man. Yeah, Saturday night lights. Dude, I remember when we we asked if we we had a bye week. Bisexual, a bisexual. We're like, everybody fucked each other on the team. No, we had a bye week where so there's no game. But you have you saw a practice, right?

It's like your off week practice, no game. So you have basically two weeks to rehearse for a game, right? Yeah, game rehearsal, game rehearsal, game rehearsal. And we were like, Coach, I can't make Pearl Jam Pearl Jam was in town. No way for for the off week. So there's no game. So we're like, can we not go to practice tomorrow and then go to see Pearl Jam? And that coach was like, mm hmm.

Yep. Is that what you want to do? We were like, yeah, he's like, yeah, absolutely. Hey, man. Rock it out. And we were like, oh, this is great. What a cool coach, man. So the neck the day after he just we had like a normal practice was easy. And then he took like the the seven of us

and just made us run suicides for like with penis beads inside. I like to fucking in our dicks. And then he stood at the 50 yard line and as we're like like throwing up for real, of course, he's playing air guitar. He was like, oh, yeah, they're fucking crazy. Did they play this one last night? Yeah, he's like fucking this is what you get. Yeah, Jeremy was at Pearl Jam.

I don't see some suicide, but the funny thing is you reminded me the theater, the drama guy knew that I liked, you know, improv and acting. Yeah, he was like, you know what a lot of guys do? I remember he goes, you take a season off of football. Yeah. And you do this. Do the musical, man. Yeah, do the play. And I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? Not because I was like, you know that my dad might.

Oh, my God, murder. Yeah, I mean, I've got to play. The musical Pippin was based on Scotty Pippin taking a year off of basketball. You know what's so funny? Sidebar, we were watching Locked Up Abroad the new season at such a fucking good show. There was a guy on there, bald, bald, bald, but he kept a bang just like a very row of hair. The kids are one of the the guys who was a guy.

Yeah, it was who had been in prison for doing stuff. It was the fully. So bizarre. Never seen that before. Like bit, you know, and then he kept a front. Just a bar of hair. So weird. What's his name? That's what it looked like right there. I don't remember.

He was something interesting. Joanie spent time in a Mexican. Wait, so what is the clip? Oh, we didn't even get to play it, right? What is this? Oh, what is it? Put your cans on him, right? Well, because we were talking about putting stuff up your butt. Yeah. Oh, that's ready for that.

OK, let's see. Put a rock. Seriously. You need to be doing this. What are you doing? What are you doing? Hello? What are you doing? Go away, lady. What are you doing?

There's people. There's little kids around here. What are you doing? Filming them? Seriously. So he's got a missing leg. Is he putting the prosthetic limb up his ass? He sure is, Tom. Holy cow. Is he really? He's trying to.

By the way, he doesn't even want to watch himself do it. Is that what the towel's for? He covers his face. Or he knew somebody was, he's like, look, this is probably going to be Instagram-worthy. Someone's going to come by and want to take some snacks out. I respect it because I've had those middle of the day urges where you're like, I just got to do it now.

Yeah, but outside, under a freeway? Outside, on the side of the road. I take my leg off. Shouldn't there be more concern in her voice? By the way, yeah, if you had limbs to remove, God damn, dude. Now, I'm concerned why there's not more concern in her voice. She just sounds like she just.

What are you doing? Saw somebody like push her kid off the slide. What are you doing with that? That blur. It doesn't go there. I wish it wasn't there. Is there a way to digitally remove it? I don't have the unblurred version on this computer.

What site was this on? I forget. I think someone just emailed it to us. It might have just. Oh, I get the actual. This is horrifying. What part? No, this has to be.

I've seen so much shit on this show. This is hands down the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. Take us through your thought. No thanks. Is it really? Why do you think it's so bad? What part of it?

Do you think this was a dare? This reminds me of living in San Francisco in the 90s when you'd be walking down the street and you would just see like guys butt fucking or like. Just outside of record stores. I swear, it was wild. Yeah. In the 90s, it was wild.

Guys were just fucking each other. Just guys going, what's up to butt fuck? Yeah. Just on every corner. But you would see this in San Francisco, I feel it. The fact that this guy is trying to be modest with the covering the face. I don't know if it's, is it modesty?

You know what I mean? No, but he's like, I don't want to be, I don't want to show my face. Maybe there's a part two and he's going to reveal his face. Hey. Takes it off. Or it's like, if you want me to stop, you're going to have to grab this towel off my face.

He's not even hard. You think that he would. He's probably got no eyes. How do you know he's not hard? How do you know he's not hard? Because I could tell. I know hard movements. What else has he got around there?

Just some blankets and coats. What is that? I don't know. It's like something that was at the end of a. Wait, is the other foot fake too? Is that a brace? Could be. Is that like, cause look at the.

Well, it looks like one leg's gone. The other one's starting to go. But doesn't it look almost fake from the shins down? Yes, Tom. Yes. Thank you for pointing that out. And the foot looks real though. It does?

This one. No, it doesn't look real. Let's scroll back. Let's see a little movement. Let's see what's going on. No, thank you. No, thank you. Can I be honest?

I thought the way his leg is up right now, I thought that was his face. Like upon first glance. You know what I'm saying? He. Like where he looked like a duck. I think. With no eyes.

Can you tell if that foot is real? Wait a minute. The one that's there? Guys, I don't think that's. Oh yeah, he's moving the toe. Okay. Wait, is that his prosthetic limb he's fucking himself with?

Or is it the bike handle? I feel like it looks like a bicycle handle. No, it's a bike handle. It's a fake limb. Are you sure? I don't know. It also looks like those things you control marionettes with.

You know, the. That's right. I'm looking at. I see a bike handle. Cause you see a little ball movement there. You see the balls and you can see. Yeah. And I keep going.

There they are. There they are. By the way, this reminds me of like those early. I knew he wasn't hard and I was right. Why did you blur? Did you blur this? This came to us. No, I blurted.

I missed. I missed the ball. What's a little? What is that? Some soup in the back? Some chowder? What is that? Do you know what city this is?

San Francisco. I bet you my life. It's Berkeley or San Francisco. Think so? Chris, is this Berkeley? It's Northern California. Wait a minute. I want a $1 all you and say Hermosa Beach.

Whoa. No. No. No. This is distinctly Northern California. This is right outside the Comedy Magic Club. Yeah. That's how they get people in now.

My thing is if you. I know stop coming on Sundays. So we got this guy. He's a real draw. But strangely enough, he sounds like Leno when he does this stage. He's like, all right, throw him. Throw him here.

Throw him. Bike handle. I'm not supposed to go in your butthole, but we're going to prove that. Who wants to see a bike handle? Kevin, you want to hear? So far up there. Here's the thing.

Here's the deal. If I saw this on the street corner, I would not confront him alone with a camera. This is walk by worthy. No, I wouldn't walk by. I would just call the police. You wouldn't even walk by to just like get a side view out of your eye.

You know how many guys I've seen jack their dicks in public? You just call the cops and I would do the, I would be scared to approach like this. But I would do the, from a distance thing like, hey man, like one of those. Hey man. What's your distance?

I think I'm at least, just to start it, I'm at least 25 feet away. That's solid. And then I'm like, hey. And then you inch closer. And he's like, shut up, man. I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah.

However his voice sounds coming back to you is how much you go closer or further away. Because if he's like, what's going on? Tom Segura? And you go, oh shit. Jesus. You're a fan. He's like, yeah, man, just saw you on that show.

And you're like, dude, what? He's like, instant family. It's about adoption, right? I'm like, yeah. He's like, hey, can you give me a hand? I can't find the hole. He's got a shoe there. That's a real foot.

Cause you can see the kind of, the lines. No, I know. But you can see why I thought it might not be. You know how he doesn't have one. Oh, there's the bike. There's the bike. No, wait a minute. Is there a handle?

There's a bike. I think that is a bike handle. No, that's a scoot scoot. It's a scooter. It's a scooter. It's a chair. You know how people have the one-legged scoot-scoot when they have like a cast?

That's a handle. He's going to put something in it. That's a handle. I thought it was one of those sprinter prosthetic legs. I got you. The ones that bend. Yeah, I think so. He's putting a handle in his asshole.

Either way, it's impressive. It's really cool. This guy's awesome. Yeah, this guy rules. Is this one of the cool guys club? I would follow this guy on all social media platforms. Just because I want to hear the whole thing. Wait, is he a member of the cool guys club?

Yeah. Look, I wouldn't let this guy babysit my nieces, but I'd let him speak at my wedding, is what I'm trying to say. Dude, seriously, do you need to be doing this? What are you doing? What are you doing? Do you need to be doing?

Whoa. What are you doing? Go away, lady. What are you doing? There's little kids around here. That's a bicameral. I think. Seriously.

Oh my. Now, there's a cool guy. Yeah. By the way, it would have been even cooler if he did that. Go away, lady. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Go away, lady.

Go away, lady. It's such a classic line when you have something in your asshole, you know? Definitely won't go away, lady, in the drops. Yeah, please, that's unbelievable. Dude, I don't know what that is, my email alert. Go away, lady. He's not even angry.

What are you doing? Hello? What are you doing? Go away, lady. Okay, so there's a little bit of anger in his voice. Go away, lady. You can hear the frustration that he's having trouble with what he's doing, but he's also like,

look, I was told this spot was gonna be, you know, people walking by free. Like, he didn't expect somebody. It's amazing. You must have told him this street corner, lady. If you're gonna put that shit in your butt, dude, do it over there. Hold on, they put it in here.

I didn't know it was here. Go away, lady. I might even guess Portland on this one. Oh, that's a great call. I might go Portland. Is it large? Yeah, that moved to the top of the list. Homeless population.

There is. A lot of them are on the streets. That red fire hydrant, it looks San Francisco, could be Portland. Yeah. Yep. Definitely, it's not a Midwest. This is a West.

People bike a lot. You know, biking is a very. Portland, San Francisco, Berkeley. Berkeley, Seattle even. I'm gonna throw my hometown. Oh, yeah. Tucson is sunny day. Yeah.

I was there this weekend. It was beautiful. Could be, okay. Could be Seattle, lady. Yeah, yeah. We got a lot going on. However, he is wearing, yeah, he's wearing the coat, like a winter jacket.

So it is a Pacific one. Is it Eddie Bauer or North Face, you know? Right. That's what you can tell. Big Diff. Yeah, big Diff. This guy's Patagonia, he's sad. He's just on a break.

What up? He works at Microsoft. Patagonia do the penis beads, you know? Yeah, penis beads all the way. They don't fuck with bike handles. He works at Microsoft. For sure. I'm working like this.

I write code. I'm just taking a break. How are your shows in Seattle, great? Great. Fuck yeah, dude. They were great. That was awesome. He writes code.

This is how I unwind. Yeah. It's a stressful job. I would love, those stories do always get a little cooler if that guy does have like a legit profession. He's just like, oh, okay. Some people go swim laps at the Y. Yeah.

Some people sit in their back patio, read some haikus. Oh, oh, maybe I want to go under the overpass. And do this. And do this. You're judging what I do? And like you're ridiculing him. Your husband left you, Diane. You're judging what I do?

They go like, you like your new iPhone. You're like, yeah, they're like, that's who fucking designed the iPhone, that guy. This Carl. Yeah. Do you not want to be able to take pictures at your kid's birthday party with such high pixelation?

That's him. Let this guy, you know. That's the guy running my cursor. Yeah. Imagine, now it's just Sunday for him and is he going in Monday? Yeah, yeah. What's his water cooler talk like?

You know, he did, he just did his scoot scoot to get exercising. And then he's like relaxing. Okay, so this wasn't in the cards for the day. This wasn't on the agenda. He laid down having a post-scoot. Right. So he's laying down and he's like,

he's like, curpe diem, it's a nice day. Yeah, and how much time goes by before he's like, yeah. Wink, wink, wink. Wink. Fuck. Wink. Wink.

Wink. Wink. Go away, lady. He just doesn't want to get spotted with that. But who was he really bothering there? Nobody. Nobody. But that is interesting that he covers his own head,

but not his butthole, which you think would be the logical place to cover. If she had the butthole covered, she probably would have left him alone. Like, oh, he's masturbated. Yeah. Because also you don't want to look somebody in the eyes when you see like, you know.

But why not cover the cock and balls in the butthole? That should be the first thing to cover. Interesting choice. Maybe he only had one blanket. Maybe he's more ashamed of his skin and the way his face was presenting that day. No, he's definitely the guy at the president of Microsoft. He's concealing his ideas.

That's what I did. Cool guy club. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Yeah. That was a definitely cool guy. How was your weekend, Mike? Oh, it's good.

Scoot it around. I got fucking arrested. What? For what? Public goddamn indecency. It's in no way, dude. What'd you do? You take a piss?

It's going to delay the new iPhone by at least a month. What? But we're supposed to have it ready in three weeks. Well, you know, this fucking lady wouldn't go away. Where were you? What did you do? I was did my little Sunday scooter ride, and then I was just having a juice, relaxing.

You know, sweating like crazy. And I got worked up. You know how I get worked up? You do. Yeah. So I took my leg off, and I put the scooter handle in my ass. For shit, wait, what? Yeah.

What? Why? Hey, man, we're going to need that new process for a ready Tuesday. Yeah, for sure, Mike. And don't go crying to HR about this shit. No, no, no, no, no. Hey, you know what I mean? I'm cool, man.

I'm cool. You know what's great is that the guys that do cool guy stuff, they are, they have this righteous indignation. For sure they do. Like, the dumb bitch doesn't understand why I want to fuck my own asshole with a bike. Stupid fucking bitch. Women are fucking dumb.

Definitely true. Let me fuck my own butt on the street, right? How many people you think walked by before this lady took it upon herself to take it? I would. I'd easily be like, wait, wait, wait. Because go away, lady. It sounded like this was the third person

he had to scream at, where he was like, go, like, enough with the Jesus. You guys are acting like this doesn't happen outside. Women are motherfucking hatin' cunts. There you go. That's the kind of guy who's like that. Was that Tony Robbins? Tony Robbins.

That was the guy who closed his last seminar. Holy shit, and he's stupid. That guy definitely thinks that, for sure. He does creepy stuff and then gets mad. I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot. God. Why can't I just put a bicycle in my butt? I picked my spot on the road.

I'm not in your fucking yard. No. That's a great point, actually. I'm not in your yard. I'm not in your yard. It's public property. I'm on the side of the road. Your honor, I wasn't in her yard.

It's the street. Like there's kids everywhere. I got a fucking hood over my head. I don't know who it is. I left those kids alone. Yeah. Right, in his defense, he's concealing his identity. I took my leg off so I couldn't go anywhere.

I clearly knew what I was doing. Yeah. I took my leg off. I wasn't making any noises. Why not just leave the leg on? It was a silent insertion. If he's not using it. Yeah.

I mean, I'm over it. I can't. Do you have multiple legs or did he put that one on knowing that it was going to get on his butt? I can't. I don't know. For sure. That's a good question, too.

All right. Cool guy. You wouldn't masturbate on the street. Think about the highest level of horiness, like you're 12. Like would you've masturbated on a bus? If you get away with it, you're in the back row. Sounds like a weird Dr. Seuss rhyme. Masturbate on a bus.

Would you masturbate in front of Gus? You probably would. You'd cover it with your jacket, and you'd probably. No, but I'd want to look at somebody, you know what I mean? Like if you were like some lady on the bus, I'd be like, yeah. Right, that's what I mean. If you knew you wouldn't get caught, you'd probably have done that.

You're like, oh, and then you're like. Are you in the back of the bus or are you doing it to the bus driver? Oh, that's a good question. Hey, hey, what? Like if you're the bus driver, I'd come up to the next two and you'd be like, hey, my stop's coming right up here. You're like, oh my god.

You start slurring. Crush the bus. But what I wanted to say more importantly is that I strongly consider doing it on a plane. Which I think is an ideal situation, especially if you're flying on those overnight. It's dark. Nobody's really looking at you.

I've gotten a handjob on a plane. Have you really? Yeah. I've heard other people say this blows my mind. Awesome. And yeah, I mean, I was in the middle seat. She was on the window. And you better believe it.

There was a dude to my left. No, there was not. OK, there wasn't. What? Yeah, there was. Coach. Huh? You flew coach and you got a handy coach.

Let's find the plane. No, yeah, coach. Damn homies. Wait, set up the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go. OK, what time of day? Met this girl in college midday. It's not a night flight.

What? And how long is the flight? Windows are up. Light is shining. What? God is awake. You're a savage. How long ago is this?

Times have changed, but yeah, it was 2006. And you're dating this girl? Yeah. OK, so this is your girlfriend. I just didn't know if it's like. I met on the plane. Yeah. I know somebody who did it on, who met someone on the plane.

And got a handy on the plane. On the plane, yes. And when they left the plane. Famous person or a regular person? A regular person. And when they left the plane, he de-planed and she went into her. Family.

Beyonce's arms. No. Yes. No. Yes. Psycho. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

She was like, let's kind of wrap up all these feelings. Oh my gosh. All right, tie the knot. Yeah. OK, but anyway, so it's the middle of the day. So we covered up with a blanket and I just kind of like turned like towards her. It was not the most comfortable hand job on the plane,

but it's a hand job on the plane. So you turned towards her and like, is it her idea? Oh, yeah. OK. Yeah. I was just like, god, this TV's not working. She's like, you know, we could do it. And I was like, get some more peanuts.

And she's like, or, you know. And I was like, oh, now was it? You just make that hand job in a plane face, what's like. Now, wait a minute. Now, if she like between strokes, is she like making it or she's like trying to be discreet about it? No, lotion.

Lotion. Yeah. Wait, from her purse or something? No, for that, we asked the guy next to me. Yeah. So wait a minute. Now, was it kind of a problem?

01:47:55,460 --> 01:47:57,260 Was it hard to focus for you? Like would you? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 01:47:58,740 --> 01:48:01,780 Because, you know, like there's that and there's the like getting, you know, road head is also crazy. That's been a long time.

But that that was way more difficult than the plane. Because the plane, it's like, you know, you feel, I mean, it's kind of quiet. And I just felt like there was, I was able to zone out a lot easier and be like, nobody's looking at this. But when you came, we're like, huh, huh. Oh, it was the most contained. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, verbatim. Well, again, we're the guy next to me. Because that's what he did after. He was like, like nice job. You had to really like. Oh, yeah. It was so many questions. Yeah, it was it was really, I can only imagine, like, you know,

look, we're not making attractive faces when we're doing it. But like, if you're containing it on a plane, it was just all sorts of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, stop it. You know, just like, you know. OK, but here's the thing is that a mess, too, huh? Yeah, yeah. Sean Aston was in the Goonies, you know, I'm just saying. Yeah, you but you begotten to the blanket.

It was the plane's blanket, I'm assuming. Yeah. Then it was her special cumblings. Her hand job was before we started dating. I go, look, at some point, yeah, he's going to escalate. She's like, my plugs, I'm like, slow down. Cumblings and yeah. And she's here's the crazy part.

Yes, to my left, yeah, on the way out, like, you know, we're getting our bags and everything and and he gets his bag down in front of me. And then I just kind of get my stuff. And then it was just one of those like people like looking at each other on the plane and he just goes. Yeah, you know, yeah, of course, of course, you know, like, yeah, like, who's just in the middle seat is like, again, he feels the chair. And he's like, Jesus, well, and especially you can see in between chair.

So the people behind you probably didn't even think about that narrow slow right now. Wow. Yeah, I like to personally apologize to whoever was behind me. Do you remember that flight number? Oh, boy, I can't wait to yesterday. Twenty six fifty two, I can remember saying that as soon as I came. Twenty six fifty two.

I heard all the Instagrams pop up just now of him getting his dick jacked. You know what I mean? All the photo shops of Adam Ray getting his dick jacked on a plane. It was Southwest. I know that. I knew it was Southwest. I knew it was Southwest. Dude, what airline will allow that?

I'm sure the flight attendance. We got to do that. That's on the hit list now. OK, Southwest Southwest is so less than a hand job. I'll give you a hand job on a private jet. Why don't we just run a jet and then I'll jerk your dick off that way safe? We don't get arrested. That's a great idea.

You could fuck on your own jet, right? Is that it? I think I might want to give him a heads up. But yeah, you probably you could. It's your fucking because those guys come back there. You can be like, hey, pilots, don't come back. We're going to fuck. I should holler at Brendan Urie.

Yeah, like, you know, can I get around in his life? Oh, yeah. And then we're fucking us to Sarah and Brandon. Then Brandon and I start fucking. He's into you. You think you're cute. Yeah, somebody brings on a scooter. Scoot scoot handles in your butt. Wow. So that's how that happens.

Yeah. But then she ended up moving to Reno and fucking a camera guy. And so that that happens. Yeah, that's kind of like a swag. Yeah. Yeah. He did. You know, it's so funny. I made a music video about that story and I wrote a song about it and then did a cartoon music video.

If you look up Adam Ray Reno cheater and I made this like video because it was just like a funny thing to that happened like her, like fucking the camera guy and all those things. And then a friend of mine ends up working at this station later in life. And she goes, hey, that video got around the station. He still works here and he thinks it's hilarious. Like this guy, Jeff, who she ended up, you know, fucking. And I'm like, of course, he thinks it's hilarious.

Like he's and at one point I was like, yeah, I was going to post it on his Facebook page and like kind of like be like, hey, fuck you. And she goes, yeah, I wouldn't do that. He like was in Afghanistan for a little bit and he takes medicine because his blood's weird. And I'm like, fucking, I don't know what that means. But that means don't post anything on his Facebook wall. He's blood's weird.

What the fuck? His blood's weird. He's got combat history. He's good. Yeah, we can keep our friendship. Adam Ray, the second album, Read the Room is available now everywhere where music is available. You can buy it.

You can download it. You can stream it. Put this up your butt. You can take a fucking handle of a scooter. Put it up your ass. And then you should also listen to his podcast with the wonderful, hilarious and adorable. He is adorable.

Have you seen Braden in a fedora? About last night. Yeah. Download it, subscribe, rate, review and subscribe. Thank you. I have not seen him in a fedora. It's adorable. Is it?

He says it's adorable. But I'm like, oh boy, he's just like he's got all sorts of dwarf catchphrases. Everything on a dwarf is adorable. It is. You know, except for no sense of humor. That's a t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah.

So thanks, man. And congratulations on the album. You guys are the best. Thanks for coming out. Thanks for having me. Your mom's house will be right back. It's amazing that it's taken this long to have this happen. But this is a good guy, a great comic, a friend, a I mean,

the somebody we run into have been running into you for over a decade. You know, writer, your comedian, your an actor, you do it all. How's your brainy? Thank you very much. Hey. You're welcome. Thank you. I need Salome.

OK. OK. I'll take that. Salome. That was a... What is it? We used to get these, I used to get these strange voicemails. Because I got a new number.

A new number. And this person, lady, would call and ask and think she was talking to Salome. And she would leave these long messages about squirrels and trees. Hilarious. I get messages now once in a while. I don't know. It's some Asian language. So I don't, we just moved near like a lot of Koreans.

So I don't know if somehow that figure, I have no idea how they figure. I don't know how they find you, the spam callers. But it's spam in another language. These were amazing. Salome, she would call for Salome and it would all be in Farsi. And then we would put it out there and listeners would translate. They're like, yo, this lady is foul. Hilarious.

She's like an older lady and she's saying like mother fucker. Oh, that's beautiful. Crazy shit. Oh, that's great. It was fun. Hey, Salome. I stopped getting Salome calls. Last time she told her to put plastic bags on the tree

so that the squirrels don't steal the fruit. Oh, is that how you do it? That's what she said. Wow. I never thought we, you know, we tried in our old house, we tried to have peach trees and the damn squirrel would always eat it. Always. I wish I would have known about this plastic bag thing.

Yeah, if you had Salome, I know where she would have called you. Maybe she was trying to call me. Hello, Maz. This is Salome. Get the bags. Get the bags. I would think that that would somehow impede the growth of the fruit. I don't think it's a good solution.

It's silliness. This lady, she would leave like two minute voice. You know, the person that leaves like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, full Bible verse. Yeah, you're like, God, damn. Well, now I got on WhatsApp, people that don't want to type will do that voice message and they'll leave it. And it always starts with, listen, bro, I didn't want to leave you. I didn't want to text because I just want to hear this.

And so listen. And then they keep going, going and after a while, I'm sorry. There's a little long. I literally, I just got one. It says like four minutes. I'm like, I got to listen to this whole thing. I got one where somebody told me all the things they want to talk about when we do get on the phone.

So they're like, hey, man, you know, I haven't talked to you in a minute. I wanted to ask you a couple of things I want to talk about. First of all, I want to make sure it's good at home. Make sure you guys, the family's good. The kids are kind of messages. He's having his own conversation. All conversation. Have you guys ever had interviews where I've had interviews now before?

Will someone say, OK, we're going to, you know, let's set up an interview. Great. And then they'll send you the questions. And for me, it's like, I'm not a politician. I don't need to. Yeah. You know, I don't need to vet out your questions. I mean, no, this is off ground.

I'm like, the whole point is, ask me the question. It's kind of like what your buddy did, which is to call you and give me the precursor. Yeah. Hilarious. Now, the advanced questions thing and also how bad like it stands out now. How good a good interviewer is. Yes. And how bad because most are not good.

Yeah. Yeah. And like all the questions at this point, we've been doing, you know, this for a long time. Yeah. And like, hey, you want to do this press thing in Chicago? Okay. And then the guy's like, how long have you been doing stand-up? And I'm like, oh, I know.

What can we expect from your act? Yeah. Where people are going to see it to show and like jokes. Yeah. Can you just Google the ship before we get started? I'm on the internet. You know, it's funny because you say that because I've actually been I'm impressed when somebody has done that research.

And then they'll say like, so you, whatever, you grew up in Marine County. I go, oh, you read about me. Yeah. This is good. It's exciting. Right. You know what it shows? It shows interest.

Yeah. Means that like you're, if the person asked you the standard questions, you realize they're not interested in talking to you. Yeah. And when they start digging up things, you're like, oh, they're actually, there is like, curiosity is there. Well, the opposite is also true in that as stand-ups, we've done so much morning radio this, that the other, you start to learn, okay, I need to like,

you know, this is this kind of interview. So it's a morning radio. So I need to, I need to like have some punch lines. I can't dilly-dally too long. I'm here for like two minutes. I got to get it out. Right. Yeah.

And then because I did a TV show, I was on a show in 2004 and it was a bunch of young actors on it and they had the Fox publicist come and talk to us to train us how to answer questions. And a lot of it was like, you know, don't say anything controversial. Speak well about the show. Like this whole Constance Wu thing that she just wanted to do. It's like, it's just like, that was wild. That's wild.

It's like, listen, I understand as someone who's been on sitcoms, like I know it can get boring and I know that you like, okay, you maybe you're not into it artistically, but you know what? Don't tweet it. Tell your buddies be like, ah, shit. I don't know what happened. Tell me what happened because I don't phone. Listen, she's.

I'm an Instagrammer. So Constance Wu is on Fresh Off the Boat. I mean, I don't watch it, but I just, I just read the news. It was headlines and stuff. So her Fresh Off the Boat just got renewed for like season seven or whatever it is. She was also in Crazy Rich Asians, which I saw parts of. I didn't see the whole thing. But I guess she's, you know, her career's taken off.

She's doing great. I don't know her that well, but supposedly once it got renewed, the news came out like, you know, Fresh Off the Boat renewed. And then she commented, oh, shit, or something like that. And then, but more, more than it was going. A lair. Then it was like, this is the worst fucking day. Yeah, the worst news.

Yeah. And then like, that was on Twitter. And then on Instagram, they're like, this is great news. And she wrote, no, it isn't. No, it isn't. And then people came at her like, you know, you're so ungrateful. This and that. Then she wrote a letter saying, you guys are totally misconstruing what I'm saying.

That's, by the way, that's the part that is like grabs you more. Yeah. That you're just going to be like, just say, you know what? That's just super restrictive. Well, but the other thing, though, she kind of tried to say, but in saying it, she had a lot of like, it basically dissed Fresh Off the Boat because she was like, you know, you guys don't understand, it was because of my reaction. I had another project that I was really excited about.

Don't get me wrong. I love Fresh Off the Boat, but just like a challenge. And this is really easy. And it's to eat. And now she's kind of like, this and Fresh Off the Boat. And then she ended this letter. I've been seeing the coverage of it again. It's like she ended the letter with like, you guys got to listen to women or

something like that and brought in like the me too. So people were like, what? It's at some point, it's just like, like, again, the reason I even got into this was just like the training that you get from publicists to say, just be careful what you say. So again, I understand the frustration as an actor of being on a show. Like, oh, God, this is just, dude, dumb. Of course.

And we all know, like, you know, I've had a bunch of friends in your position where you're like, you know, it's coming back and like, it's a job, but like, it's not that fun. It's like, it feels like the same shit. And, you know, it's not exciting. It's not fulfilling. But at the same time, it's, you know, and you sound ungrateful. But you know what you got to do is, I think, again, like I said, it's not like

you text your buddy that text your buddy or just tell your wife or husband or whatever it is, you'd be like, oh, shit, you know, because part of it, by the way, is she's probably getting paid. I don't know, a hundred grand an episode or something. I know. So a lot of people are like, come on, man. That's the part. Shut the fuck up and take the paycheck, sweetie.

Yeah, like the really lucky. The way I break it down is like, first of all, it's really hard on a multicam to feel artistically fulfilled because multi cam, especially nowadays. Back in the day, there was one or two here that were really like, oh, wow, we're saying something, but nowadays is really hard. And but the way I look at it, I go, first of all, especially if you've got a family, it's the hours are easy as an actor, right? Yeah.

The money's great. And so get the money, do the hours, the people, especially if you've got pleasant people, you don't have some like crazy show runner or something. And then go off and do your one woman show or whatever it is you need to do when the season wraps, season wraps. You know, you got the money. Just put on a one. Because Constance Wu, this, you know, this Friday at the Amundsen Center,

they literally announced you get another million plus dollars. Yeah, a boo-hoo. Fuck. Well, and especially because that's hitting lightning in a bottle on in our industry, if you're on a show that gets renewed for eight seasons, especially now, yeah, more rare, it's impossible. Now you're talking syndication money, right? Now we're into syndication.

So now you're going to get a paycheck for the rest of your life. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Listen, I've also, I've also run into like, I did, I did a guest star on I did a guest star on Grey's Anatomy and like their schedule is crazy. I guess they do like 22 or 24 episodes or something. And one of the guys single camp, single camp shooting a movie every year. Yeah.

And he was, he told me he was like, listen, man, I work like nine months a year. He's making great money. Yeah. But he goes, a lot of people will ask me, they go, why don't you do a movie when you're off? He goes, because I've just finished nine months of crazy hours. But still listen, man, it's still, he's making good money. And he seemed to be like, you know, I couldn't believe I just, I just had a

small part in a movie where one of the main actors shoots a show in Atlanta. And I was like, oh, like, how long are you there? He's like nine months of the year. Yeah. You live there nine months. Crazy. And right now is his time off. He's doing this movie.

Yeah. And then goes back and shoots there. I'm like, you live in Atlanta. Meanwhile, there's somebody listening here on our show who's like, I work on an oil rig in Alaska. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that always, I get less than not a million dollars.

Listen, I always put that like whenever I hear any comedian or anybody like get an attitude, I go, dude, you know, you're not saving lives. No. Right. You're not doing nothing. You're just, you know, I mean, because look, I'll be honest with you, recently touring, especially with like, with, with my kids and my family, like I've gotten, there's been times where I've been in a, in a city and going like, God,

I just, I wish I were home. I really don't want to be here right now. And then I'll be honest. Once I get on that stage for that hour that I'm on, I really am like, OK, this is, I love doing it. I'm in it. I'm in the moment. But then I, again, I pinched myself and I go, I go, dude, you know how lucky

you are even in this business, forget the oil rig. We have actor friends who, when the show is done, they're done. They got to wait for the next show or the next movie. Oh, that's crazy. That's crazy. Appledo, just wait. Good friend of ours was on like a big show. And then a few months later was saying, you know, I don't know how to pay

my bills pretty soon. It's depressing. They get depressed. Like they got to drive Uber or they got to do something else. And it's like, what? And I was telling my wife, I go, you know how lucky I am to have like 20 years ago said, I love doing this. I don't mind hanging out till two in the morning at the comedy store.

Yeah, this is fun. And it still is, by the way. Like last night I did. I did that goddamn comedy jam. Have you guys done that? Yes, Josh is right. Josh is. Yeah, it's so much fun. And just coming out of it and saying bye to everybody.

You know, what's that somebody sounds like a. Is it a toy? Sounds like you're decompressing some air out of something. It's gone. Stop. What the heck was that? I've never we've never heard that. Never heard that. It's all good.

So all right. Are we rolling? We're still rolling? Yep. OK. All right. So that was a fun, technical thing. Yeah. Why don't you share with us? Because first you got to tell them what your revelation was. OK, OK, OK. Yeah.

Now, so I started doing this thing for 42 years in my life. I get out of the shower and I just put like a towel around me under my armpits and then I pat pat pat. And then I just that's it. I'm mostly wet. My shoulders are wet. My legs are still kind of wet. It gets dressed like that.

And then I'll go put clothing on that way. And for years, it would infuriate me until I just one day had a revelation like, oh, I can dry my whole body off. And then I've been doing that now for all your reactions are correct. Everything you're thinking and feeling. Yes, I'm just wondering like what it took 42 years for you to realize you can get the shoulders and the legs. Yeah.

And I just but I but it's a thing where I was it just it never occurred to me. I was kind of in a hurry. I'm passed. Oh, and also also it bothered her immensely that she was damp and it bothered me because that's the worst thing when you're putting on a shirt and a stick into your wet wet socks. Yeah. Oh, no. She would put on what really Pilates pants like it was so annoying. So anyway, I had this revelation.

Right now, he's like, I'm sitting here with a fucking circle. So this is like this is a therapy. Yeah, I like it is. OK, you find out why. And what was it? Well, that's the thing I haven't brought this up yet. But maybe you could. So here I'm going to give you another a newer example. And maybe you can if you have an example, you can share with me here

because you're an immigrant like I am. I feel it has something to do with my immigrant nature. But you discover things that your parents did and you go, oh, that's why I'm doing this. Perhaps. OK. Or a lack of self care. Now, OK, this other thing I was doing, I was I make these smoothies in the morning. My trainer recommended it's spinach, cucumber, water and half an avocado and powder.

And I blend it up and then I drink it at room temperature. OK. And I hated it. Like I didn't hate the taste. I just hated the temperature for like three years I've been doing this. And then yesterday I said to my trainer, I'm like, I just it's just so warm and yucky. And she goes, well, you can put ice in it or you can put it in the fridge. Yes. And then it'll be much better.

Cold, very interesting. And I did it today. And it's like a revelation. I'm like, oh, my God, this is so much better. And for three years, I just let myself every morning like, I don't like this. I don't like I'm just going to keep drinking it. Just suffer with it. So it's great. Like, yeah, you you kind of you take your time discovering things. Like you like, you know how they solve a cold case 40 years later?

Yeah. Yeah. Like real simple things in your life are cold cases. It took 40 years. Great way to put it together. 40 years for you to be like, I figured out who committed the crime. I feel like you're way nicer about it than than anybody that works on the show. I'm analyzing it. That's why because I'm trying to because I'm trying to find because what I now

this might be something because I'm first of all, I studied political science in college, but if I could go back, I would love to study psychology. Oh, me too. A lot of times I sit there and I go, oh, that explains why I did this and this, right? So I will give you an example. Now, I don't know you were talking about the immigrant thing, which could possibly be the thing as immigrant kids. I don't know if it was the same for you.

I was taught you got to respect your elders, respect your parents, listen to them, all this stuff, whereas my American friends were taught like independence, talk back, whatever, whatever, because we used to get hit. My mom used to hit us with a hanger, pull our ears, all kinds of shit. And it was like respect is huge in the culture. So one of the first times I was like, I don't know, fifth grade, sixth grade. I was in my buddy Jesse's house and Jesse's parents had divorced. And his mom said something to Jesse and Jesse said something like, mom,

shut up. And I just was like, oh, shit. Jesse's about to get his head knocked. And then she said something like, Jesse, you're too much. And she walked away. I go, what? I go, that's it? I go, really? I go, what happened? He's like, nothing, man. You know, you talk to me and I talk. But I go, yeah, you get away with that shit? No. I go, we couldn't do.

So to analyze all this, to go back, possibly the reason you didn't question some of this stuff was possibly either your parents did that to you when you were younger or you felt like that was the way to go. You wrap it around, you know, your mom was like, Christina, you put around, you walk, you get no time. We don't have time. We have to go. I don't know. That's like a Russian accent. So I'm not sorry. I think it's a former. I think you're right.

It's because my parents were very much you, you, you're not depressed. I am depressed. I grow up with problems. You don't have no problem. So a lot of what I wanted and thought and felt was invalidated. So I think I grew up not, not even thinking of my own needs. Like, what, what do you mean that I should have a need? So for me now, isn't it like I'm undoing all that. And then I go, oh, like I should probably want this cold.

Maybe that'll taste better. Who am I to put on clothes on a dry shoulder? Wow. We got it. We cracked the case. Right. Yeah. That's it. People are suffering and I want dry shoulders. Yeah. No. Yeah. Highfalutely. What's crazy to me is that I never, she never mentioned it once. Hilarious. Once.

And you didn't catch it? Never. The showering. I mean, I'd see a towel. So I wasn't like, you're probably not drying off all the way, right? Which would be a weird, that would be a weird perversion on your end. Honey, let me dry your shoulders. Yeah. Can I dry your toes? I had noticed that at any point I would have been like,

are you out of your fucking mind? Hilarious. Not drying off all the way. Hilarious. There's no way I would have. Is there's nothing you do that you've had in a piff? I know we had to see with, with phone chargers and that was a big, that was the first one. The first one was we're living together, living in apartments. And then like you're just like getting up and walking across a room.

Yeah. You know, to to use the charger. Yeah. And like taking turns being like, well, you're using it now. And then like one day after a few years, I was like, holy shit, I just had a breakthrough. We can buy another chart. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. And then like also, like when the outlets are used, yeah, we can buy an outlet, yeah.

And then have more, yeah. And we were like, this is a big time. Was it that in your mind, you were like, that's how Apple gets you. They sell you the phone, then you got to buy their accessories. No, I wish I had that. Like it was literally like, that's where it is. Hello. That's the one you got locked in like that. Yeah. No, it's funny because I'm so into this type of stuff now,

like analyzing the way you are like my wife, what she'll do with the chargers is she makes chargers disappear. Yeah, I keep buying chargers and they should be like, where I can't. It should be upset. Where's the chargers? And I'm like, mine is always there and is no longer there. So you took it. Yeah. So I don't know where they are knowing the spot. Like, because I'm really good now about I travel, like I know

how to pack and where shit is, right? Yes. And the only reason I know where it is, because I always go to the same spot with it. Right. Yeah. The only thing that I lose now all the time, all the time, I bought so many of both of these things are sunglasses. Yeah, because like, you know, it's not about like one spot. Yeah. You know, you could be in a car with them. You could be on a plane. Yeah.

So I lose those and earbuds. Oh, the earbuds. Oh, yeah. Motherfucking. I should just have a running fucking account at a store in the airport. Both should both should definitely sponsor you. You guys should say this portion brought to you by both. Both computers, both headphones, both. I would fucking love it because I've spent thousands.

Oh, my God, you know, it was another one that we forgot when we lived in Redondo. So my husband, we had obviously we sleep in the same bed. My husband had the side table with a clock and the lamp. I did not have a side table or anything on my side of the bed. So in order for me to see what time it was, I would have to look, lean up and look over. And if I wanted the lamp on, yeah, couldn't do it. Yeah. That went on for like years until I was like,

I can buy a side table and I can have my own clock and my own lamp. We were like, let's do it. Is it amazing when you do something that simple? Do pay like I have. I've had piles of shit just sitting it like in my room. And one day I go, let me clean this up and I'll clean it up. I'll be like, ah, so easy. It felt so good.

Also, I feel like the part of your mind that comes to the realization that you can get an end table on your own lamp. Yeah, it's not just about that. It's actually it opens your mind up to so much more. Yes, going like, yeah, I can do like it's weird. Yeah, seems so mundane. Yeah, but it makes you go, I can do all these other things. It's amazing. It's amazing.

Yeah, you can paint your walls any color you want. You can paint your wall like shit like that. And I'm serious, like you could you say, I don't like these ugly white walls. Like you can paint them anything you want. Yeah, you can have anything. That's another one. I think for a long time, you know, you live in an apartment in your 20s and you're like, well, this is what the walls look like.

Yeah, that's exactly me. Yeah, and then like they are the white and and no one put anything on them. So I won't. Yeah, it's just like a fucking. Yeah, and then you go to people's homes and you're like, wow, how'd you do this? Who gave this to you? How'd you do it? Why you got colors like no, we did it. We did it. We just made choices.

Did it. Yeah, yeah. Wallpaper. Now I have wallpapered rooms in our home and I love it and it brings me so much joy. But my parents would never have done that as immigrants. They would never. I wonder if part of that, because I also have friends who do a lot of that. So there's people that I know that are like highly opinionated. So they'll have like, they'll have they're very specific about the things they buy,

the things they do. I love this type of shoe. I did and they're on it and they're like, oh, yeah, when the new gadget comes out, I like to know the new guy. They're like, they're on it right away. They're all right away on it. So I wonder if they were encouraged as kids to like go, honey, you're you are smart. You make your own decisions and express yourself has to be. It has to be. It has to be.

Because now people, different Persians feel different ways about this. Yeah, I'm dying to know you are. Yeah. We have a lot of our Persian exposure has come from Shaws of Sunset. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we've told people who are like, this is a garbage program. Yeah, yeah. And then other people who are like, yeah, that's fun. Well, my take on shot, first of all, in all. So people know, by the way, a Bravo show

that was of reality show that has like 10 seasons or something. Yeah, it's a reality show on Bravo. And it's kind of like Jersey Shore, but for Persians. Exactly. Right. Perfect. La Persians, La Persians. Westwood Full Disclosure. I actually dated M.J. No, Mercedes Javid.

This just became a YMA exclusive. Yes. Full Disclosure. I was exploding. Yeah, when I when I first is a YMA exclusive. When I was when I first moved to LA because I grew up in Northern California, I moved down to LA and I dated her for a few years and I was years. Yes. And I was and I was friends with and I knew Reza.

I knew all those guys. Reza June. Yeah, I knew all those people. So I knew them back then. All right. So that's Full Disclosure out the gate. Huge fans. We've seen every episode. Every episode. So before I even like, you know, before I even started to stand up, I was I was still in graduate school.

I was going to go get my PhD in political science. Of course you were. Yeah. And she was like doing real estate and Reza I think did real estate, whatever. Anyway, so long story short, like towards the mid like 90, 98 or so break up, I get in a stand up. Actually, I got in a stand up right around the time we broke up. And then after that, you know, Mercedes.

Yeah. Yeah. M.J. Mercedes. Yeah, exactly. Did you know Vita? I knew Vita and it's interesting because like I knew that. First of all, like I knew her mom and her dad and the father was Shams. Shams. Yeah. The father was I don't know if he was, you know, I know in all honesty, now I don't I've maybe seen two episodes. And the only reason I've only seen two episodes is because I'm not a fan of reality shows for me.

Reality shows are like fingernails on a chalkboard in that, like, even like my wife will have on the Kardashians just in the background. And I just I hate that part where they'll go to somebody and then they'll talk shit about the other person. Yes. To me, it just sounds very contrived. And it sounds like I don't care who it is, whether it's Jersey Shore, Kardashians, Shams, whatever. Now, let me pull back a second further and go in my opinion,

the joke I was saying about the Shahs, which I thought was kind of captured it. I said, as an Iranian American, I feel it's a step in the right direction because for like 40 years, we've been known as terrorists. Yeah. Now we're known as like drunks, you know, and I feel like, oh, American could be like, oh, these guys get drunk just like us, like someone in Middle America. They party. They party. That's fantastic.

So to me. And they flash. And they flash all around as long as someone in Middle America can be like, oh, they're not blowing anything up. Right. And you celebrate now, Ruz. We learned about now, Ruz. See, it's a love it. It's an interesting way to learn about a culture because a lot of Iranians, like you said, are very proud and stuffy about our culture.

Well, we should say that the ones who usually push back on that show are usually older, right? Yeah, I mentioned it to the older. Yeah. Yeah. But like people our age are just like, you know, they don't care. Yeah. Yeah. And also like, like, so a lot of Iranians will be like, you know, we are lawyers and doctors. You should talk about our history. We had an empire, da, da, da, da, da. So I did I did a movie a while back called Jimmy Vestvoot, American hero.

And it was like the Persian pink panther just like this, like bumbling idiot who saves the world. And I I co-wrote it and then I starred in it. And it was just a silly comedy. Yeah, we made it basically Vestvoot Jimmy Vestvoot. Yeah. So we basically made it for like 12 year old boys and stoners. Like, that's who we wanted to see this.

And a similar thing happened with this. It's just a silly movie. And so there were a lot of 12 year old boys who liked it. But then there was a lot of these older Persians who were like, this is a disgrace to our culture. You know, we are not like this. You know, that's funny, because like when I would go visit, it's always like the older.

When I would go visit Peru when I was younger, I would bring friends sometimes. Yeah. And one of the things that I would want to show them was like the basically the ghetto, the super poor areas. Yeah. Because it's like astonishing and it leaves an impact. Yeah. And like my uncles and aunts were like, why are you going to show them that? Yeah. And I was like, so that they can see this like, you know, incredible thing and actually makes you realize, you know, in the world how not everybody has all the privilege that you have.

Yeah. And they were like, show them the nice shit. Yeah. Yeah. They come to the nice part. And I was like, no, no, no, I want to show them this. Well, I think that a lot of people are proud of their cultures. And then the problem because when we come to America and your culture has been demonized. Yeah. Then you really don't want to show anything negative about that culture. That's true. But in my opinion, taking the Shahs or taking something like Jimmy, which is just a, you know, just like silly slapstick, in my opinion,

it's actually a subversive way to show people like you just said, you're talking about Norus. Now, would you have known about Norus, the Persian New Year, if it weren't through the Shahs of Sunset? So in a way, it's kind of like going like, hey, we're silly, silly, silly. Oh, here's a lesson. So I feel like and by the way, life is like too serious anyway. So we need this kind of stuff. You know, let's be clear about something.

This is not ending here when we're off mic. Oh, a lot more questions. OK. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, Matt said this just had a baby with her. Tommy. Hey, what the fuck, guys? I don't again, I don't know. Like you guys know more about the show than I do. So I don't know a lot of what she married a white guy from the East Coast.

Yeah, from Chicago, right? Oh, was he from Chicago? Yeah. Anyways, I don't know if the Persian family. No, I think he was on the East Coast. Maybe they went to New York to meet his family. He's like, this is my family. He's because of the grossest accent. But I wonder if their family Reza is fucking funny.

Reza is very funny. He's very funny. Reza is very funny. He says a lot of funny stuff. Even back then, I found him to be funny. Like he's. And what about Juicehead? Did you hang out? I don't know. I didn't know anybody.

All the other guys, like I probably have met them here and there. But I didn't know them. But like those two, I knew well. But you know what's kind of cool, though, is like running like that whole running with a circle, even as you age a little bit, like having that tight knit, at least on the show, it's obviously your show. Like you said, yeah, you know, a bit obviously orchestrated tribe. Yeah. But, you know, I think that's cool to have like a tight circle of friends. I agree. You know, I mean, again, I don't know.

You know, this goes back to the whole idea on reality shows. And even like when you're on a regular show, people think, oh, you guys are all best friends. And you're like, no, we just film together. And then that person goes off and I go do my thing. So I have no idea who hangs with whom and why and how. I don't know. And I but I do know that, like I said, it was at first, there was a lot of controversy than a lot of the people in the community.

I think they start to embrace them because they were like, oh, these guys are now celebrities. Yes. Question. Yes. I'm Persian question for you. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley with many a Persian girl. Yes. And I had when I was 13 years old, an 18 year old Persian girlfriend. OK. And her father was very, very strict. And one time we went to the beach and we had to take the bus together.

And she had to stop and call him every hour or two hours. Hilarious. And pay phones back. You took the you took a bus from the valley to the beach. It took like five hours. That in itself, the fact that no parent would volunteer to drive. No, so horrible. You want to go beach? You take bus to Beach Beach. Yeah, it was fucking both our parents.

They're horrible. Hilarious. Anyway, she told me that Persian girls to maintain their virginity will butt sex. Take it in the butt. I've heard about that. Is this true? In the butt, Bob, in the butt. Remember that? Remember that? The dating game. You remember that? There's a great clip of the dating game where they, you know,

in the dating game, they used to say. Bob, you picked. Yeah, they would say, so they'll ask you, you know, they'll send you to the other room and they'll ask her some questions. And then you come back and then they'll ask you and they see if your answers match. So they'd ask the wife, what's the craziest place you've ever had sex before? And the wife said, like, on a pool table or something. And then the guy comes back and goes, so what's the craziest place? He goes in the butt, Bob, in the butt.

That's crazy. Crazy. Looks great. But is that, is that true? You know, I have heard that myself and I don't know if it's just Persian Jewish girls or Persian Muslim girls. I don't know. I did not experience that myself in full. Growing up in Marin. Well, grew up in Marin.

There weren't even that many Persians. No, it's a very cracker. So were most of your friends not Persian men in Marin? A lot of my friends were just white dudes. And I had a handful of Persian friends who had met through my. So when we came from Iran to America, you know, obviously my parents had Persian friends. So that so I met the kids of those families.

And there was a handful of us and they all knew each other because there were so few of them. So they would be like, oh, Friday night, we're going to Eskenderi poor's house. Saturday night, we're going to Massoudi's house. And so we go to these different houses. And there was a couple of friends who were really close friends of mine who were the same grade and happened to have Persian parents in America. And I would say that our experiences, though,

were a lot more American than our parents. I hated going to like my these parties where like my parents would have like Persian music playing in the background. I was going to ask you about this because on the shores of sunset, house parties are a big deal. And also how you dress up is a big deal. You have to go to you have to wear your product. You have to wear like your bling.

So did you experience that growing up the same way you had that epiphany about the towel and like maybe this was something in my child. Like I had this I had this aversion towards those types of parties because it was so formal. So just growing up, I remember like when I I started, I had a like like the type of woman that I was attracted to was like dark hair exotic, but not Iranian. I was like, I want I want to meet like Latina women because and why is that?

And that was because I felt like Iranian women that came with that formality of like dressing up. And you know, this is how I'm going to present myself. But from what I would hear behind closed doors, doing whatever they wanted to do. So just the whole hypocrisy of it, like doing what does that mean? Just whatever it is, whether it's like sexually or what have you, like you're just saying like, for example, if really like you're saying like,

oh, no, I'm a virgin and then like you're taking the butt. You're not a virgin. I mean, come on, let's just right. You just relax. So they're presenting like they're you are an angel. They're presenting like they're pure tin like, you know, pure. And then I just think, listen, there's a there's a thing with the culture that like I think there's a formality that comes with the culture, even the language like like we have in

Persian, we have just like you have in French and in Spanish, you have the formal you and the informal informal. So in Persian, you meet people and it's all formal. You got to go formal, formal. And at a certain point, it just growing up in America, I felt like there was all these like when I would talk to somebody who would talk to me and use the formal you, I just felt like unless if it was like an older person and I and but if they were of the same age and now they're talking to me with formal.

I just felt like it was also it's very American to be anti formal period. Absolutely. We're all like, no, we don't play that shit, man. Yeah, I'm gonna talk to you like you're you're just like, I don't give a fuck. Where do you think I love that? I love that. As a matter of fact, matter of fact, my dad had this lawyer and in Murray County, his name was John and this guy was a big drinker and my dad was a big drinker. And it was one of the first times I saw an adult come and he was, you know,

American and my dad was the Persian dude. But like, I don't think his Persian friends would ever come over and like just openly cuss, not in an angry way, but in a fun way. But the John, the lawyer would be like, oh, this is fucking great, man. We're fucking this is fantastic. Motherfucker. And it's a kid. I'm like, whoa, my dad's letting this and my dad was having a great time. It's great. So that kind of loosened me up a little bit.

And then later, when I moved down to LA, where you run into all these Persians, we have a family friend who's this Iranian woman who is like probably younger than my mom, but like older than me. And I would hear her cuss in Persian and she was totally and she was of this like she was like she'd been married to somebody who was, you know, royalty or whatever. But I just loved how easy going she was. She'd be like, get the fuck out of here.

And I was like, I love this lady. Yeah. So that kind of stuff, because we all know this stuff is happening. So the formality that comes with the culture would kind of turn me off. So I didn't like to go to those things a lot now that I'm older. Like I, I, I, you know, I'll go to my friends. A lot of my friends are Iranian American and we'll go, but I still am not into the bling. I was going to say, is it authentically Iranian American, though, to be blingy? I think what you have is so Iranians in general,

especially the ones that have money, obviously love bling. Now we've got, and then we've got LA where bling is king. Now you bring Iranians, you put them in LA. It's like a monster of bling. And I, I, I ran it. When I first came down to LA from Northern California, it was like, again, in Marin, there was a lot of wealth, but it was a lot more subtle back then. I talk about it in my stand up. I go, like,

I knew guys whose dads were like the CEO of a bank, but the guy would be in, you know, khaki pants and a blue buttoned up shirt. Right. And my parents already, my father, who wasn't super blingy was already blingy. So he'd have a, you had to have a Mercedes because he was Persian. Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes. My dad bought a Rolls Royce at one point. Yes. And so now, whereas some kids might be like, Oh, this is great. Pops bought a Rolls Royce.

First of all, the reason my dad bought the Rolls Royce was because he had, he was a self-made millionaire in Iran. He brought a lot of his money to America. And then anytime his friends would be running out of money, they would tell my dad, Hey man, I got this Rolls Royce. Will you buy it? Or I got this car. Would you, my dad was taking stuff off people's hands. But he would, you know, he'd like to be driving it. And I was mortified.

I was so embarrassed to be in the Rolls Royce because I'm like that. There's the hostage thing going on. Oh, right. Right. Already they're calling us like oil, well, tycoons at the school. You know, you get teased already. They used to call us fucking Iranian during the hostage crisis. That's what they would call. And I'm lucky. Like I think I was because I was relatively nice.

I don't think I ever got beaten up, but they would beat you up. They stole the pedals off my bicycle. I don't know who or what or why. During that conflict. During the round that conflict. Again, I do. I do a joke about on stage, but there was this guy who was in the sixth grade. I believe I'm 99 percent sure he called me fucking Iranian. And I was like, I don't know what to say back to him. And then they stole the pedals.

And then there was and there was a black. He meant it like, hey, you're fucking Iranian. Fucking Iranian. Yeah, right. No. So and then and then like there was a black kid who's in the fifth grade who kind of like helped me. He's like, yeah, bro, you know, you just like turn the other cheek kind of thing. And on the stage, I go, the guy put his arm around me and was like, hey, bro, I've been dealing with this shit for 200 years.

Let me tell you how you deal with it. But the truth is that up there, like I said, I wasn't there was a lot of wealth, but it wasn't as blingy. And then I come down here and I see the bling and in all honesty, again, I was always turned off by the bling. Like I'm always just a little bit like, like to this day, I'm forty seven. That's a great bling. I mean, you got to have that. Forty thousand dollars must beautiful, beautiful worth every penny.

You should do that. You should do that all. You know, my my my step, my Indian stepdad and my Hungarian mom, when they hooked up, they were all about the bling tail. It was all about showing, showing the wealth. Yeah. And I think is my my stepdad grip so poor in India. He became a millionaire a few times over. Yeah.

And it was important to show it like he had like a crazy Rolex and rings and like the Mercedes, all these nice things. You have to show people that you're not a fucking loser. Well, I have, you know, my wife is actually Indian and so she comes from that she comes from a background as well. Lot of Indians are flashy, too. Yeah, they like gold and all that. Yeah. But in all honesty, like my Russell Peters, Russell, come on, Russell.

No, my wife and I are like, I think we are of the same mind with that kind of stuff where like I would like, if I like a few years ago, I decided finally, I want to get a watch like like a like, you know, a watch like with a whatever, silver or whatever. A nice gentleman's watch. Nice gentleman's watch. I was like, it's time to do it. And I started looking and there was a Rolex that had this orange hand.

I love the color orange. It had this orange hand, but it was silver. And I was like, maybe I'll get that. To the milk house? Yes, exactly. And then I go, maybe I get that. And I was like, you know what, let me keep looking. And then I found a tag, Hoyer or whatever that it's, it's, you know, a little cheaper. Yeah.

And I felt like, you know what, it's still nice. So I like, I at no point was I looking at the color gold. You're saying like, I don't like culturally, it should be gold. Culturally, I should be all over that gold. I know. And I was like, and even like now I found like my my cousin who collects watches from time to time, the Philippe Pattec, right? Yeah. He took me to like the, I was in, I was doing a show in Switzerland, Geneva. Those are serious. They're serious.

So it was in Geneva. It's the heart of Philippe Pattec is where it started. I had no idea what these things cost. Like they go up to like millions of dollars. They started like 35. Really? Started 35. So he took me and they were showing me the watches and without knowing the pricing, like the one that I liked was the one

with a black band as opposed to anything I just don't like. Yeah, but that's you have your own style and I just don't like super bling. I don't know why now. I didn't like it either. You are not person. They are not person. And I didn't like either because I associated it with my mom and my my step dad and their garishness and it was like so gross and shallow.

Yeah. But now look at you, girl. Mommy kind of I'm dipping my toes into it. I kind of know my roots, bro. Like I can't look. I can't fight it. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm fucking Euro trash inside. Listen, once you're once you're at a certain age where you're like,

you've worked on yourself, I think part of that for me is a big deal. Like I feel like a lot of people at a younger age embrace that because they've seen their parents do it. Now they start doing it and it's like, listen, work on yourself first. That's not also goes for like plastic surgery. I think that's big in our culture. The Persians get plastic surgery left and right. They what do they get mostly done?

I think Iran has one of the highest rates of nose jobs. Sure. Like for the while from what I heard Iran in Iran, like it was almost a status symbol. You have to have that little band aid here. Yeah, because I remember I grew up in a mostly Persian neighborhood. Yeah. And there is like between that seventh and eighth grade summer. Do all the Persian girls walk around with like the band aid?

The deviated septum. Yeah, and I'm like, and my whole point is like, listen, help this kid find themselves. Like I love when I see like, like, for example, Yara Shahidi, you know, Yara Shahidi, the girl on blackish, the black girl on blackish, beautiful girl. If you see her, you'll know who I'm talking about. Her father is Persian. Her mother is African American. And this kid, she's on blackish and you see her.

And on blackish, she's playing, you know, teenager, 15 year old, whatever. And so they always have like a new hairdo and she's always on her phone. And she's kind of, she's kind of sassy a little bit. And I've met her a few times and she's like totally opposite that character. And then one time it just really stood out. She was on Colbert and she's being interviewed for, I guess, blackish or whatever. And he asked her, and she's like, I'm turning 18. And he goes, what are you doing for your 18th birthday?

And by the way, she showed up like nerdy glasses, like just like really down to earth looking. He goes, what are you doing for your 18th birthday? She goes, I'm holding a voting, a voter birthday. I'm getting my friends to register to vote. And I, to me, I go, that kid is such a more advanced human being mentally than half the Persians that I know that are like 35 who are like, look at my watch and look at my bling in my car. I'm like, bro, I don't want to talk about your forget Persians.

She's just more advanced than most people. Yeah. And so that's why I think that's the kind of stuff that made me go, I don't want it like even now at the age of I'm 47 now. And it's funny because again, my parents had Mercedes and I've been in Mercedes. And some of these Mercedes are beautiful. And like, and it's nice and it's got great things, like great features. And there's been times where I've been like, God, I think I'm at the age where I could get a Mercedes.

But I'm like, no, I still get like the Audi. Not to say I'm any more superior, but I just feel like there's there's something in the back of my mind that makes me feel like it's more blingy. Yeah, the Audi, the Mercedes, the Mercedes. Yeah, it's the association thing. It's your brand, you know, it's the brand. Because when I got a Mercedes, Tommy got me an SUV. And I remember like, I remember the first time I got into it.

I went, my mother, when she passed away, I inherited all these fur coats. These horrible fucking fur jackets. And I was like, hold on, I can't sit in this Mercedes until I have my fur coat on. Of course. And I went and I remember this, we went to get frozen yogurt and I put on my fur coat and I got into our Mercedes. And I went to get a frozen yogurt just to like play out this ridiculous. Like, who am I to have a Mercedes?

Yeah, this is silly. It's like, it's but it's fun. And then you, you know, you go through a phase and maybe it's not fun for a while. No, I think I think again, I think once you're mature and you're at a certain age where you've like, you know, you've, you've, you know, you've, you've actually lived life a little bit and you got a personality, then you do what you want. But I just feel like the unfortunate thing in my culture, I see a lot is that people put like, I've seen kids, you know, teenagers with Mercedes.

And I stupid, I want to talk to those parents and be like, do you know what you're doing to these kids? They're going to wrap around a pole. And yeah, have the kid, you know, put him in a like a used car, let him learn. Like I had, you know, I had jobs, you know, working in a sandwich place when I was 13 or 14. And that was the best thing I ever did because even though my father had money at the time, I just felt it feels good.

And you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I was, I was moving, you know, I was a mover for a place at 14. You got to do it. Grunt work, construction jobs. Yeah, you got to do a sense of self value. You know, yeah, I run into some of these kids again, like in the, in our community and like not as much, but, but you'll see them from time to time. And like, and the kid is like, you know, even if you're, even if it's like the

kid's getting good education and all this other stuff, I just, I go, look, this kid's never like been in a bad area. You know, they should, that's why working in a, in a deli or something, you're going to, you're working with the manager or the other guy that's working with you. That's his job. He's got a family. Yeah, yeah, just hearing about that guy and going like, he's like, oh, I got to go take my kids this and that.

And you're like, wait a minute, you're making 12 bucks an hour and you're running a family. It's crazy. You know, so at 14, expose yourself to that. So then at least you sit there and go, shit, I got to do something. You know, it's true. Yeah, man. Then I ask you a stupid question that I've wondered like my whole life is stupid.

Yeah. You're Persian. Yeah. You're Iranian. Yes. You speak Farsi. Yes. Why?

But, but, but you know what I'm saying? When do you use the word I'm Persian versus I'm Iranian? So confusing. You're right. And, and part of it was I, I started to find out. So, so I guess they used to call it the Persian empire. The West called it Persia. And then I think I was just looking this up recently.

I think Iran means the land of the Aryans, I believe, because Iranians come from the Caucasus Mountains. So we are the Aryans before it became Hitler's Aryans. Like, I mean, we're original white people. Gotcha. Right. And, and so I think it became a political thing where. So the, the Shah, who was overthrown in the last revolution, 79, his father, I

think was like, listen, in like 1935 or something, he said, stop calling it Persia. We're going to call it Iran. Like, we want the West to call us Iran with the land of the Aryans. Right. So that's what he wanted. And then, is that what you like? Well, I, so I came to America. And then I think what happened was because as soon as we got to America, I

don't think Americans didn't really know much about Iran until the revolution happens in 79. And Americans are like, Oh, what's going on? Then we take hostages. That's when Americans knew about Iran. They're like, who are these motherfuckers, motherfuckers, fucking I read that's when then Iran, all of a sudden you're like, uh, you know, I know people that were saying they were Italian at the time because they

don't want to be associated with Iran. People, my dad is from Northern Iran. So he's close. He speaks, he's, uh, he would speak Turkish, which is like Azerbaijani. So he would sometimes say he's Turkish, just to like, not share with it. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, you got it. So, so I think what happened was there was so much negative friend, there

was so much negative stuff with Iran, whether it was the hostage crisis, Iran, Contra, not without my daughter, that movie, it was constant, bad press, right? So a lot of your associates, like it's weird to think of it, but like now I realize that like people are meeting you and they're like, you must be evil. You must be evil. Which is, I never, or I remember, I think it was in college at one point or after, not without my daughter, I was talking to some girl at a

nightclub and we started talking and we were having a good conversation. She goes, where are you from? I said, Iran, and she just walked away. Damn. I swear to God. That fucking Sally Field, right? To imagine that fucking bitch made that movie. Followed that girl and killed her.

Exactly. That would have been legendary. You two, how about me too, bitch? No, so it was, uh, so I think that's when a lot of Iranis were saying they're Persian, cause then Americans were so stupid that we don't even know, well, French, fantastic, Persian, you know, or it sounds like a cat. Of course, right? No, it's a, it's one, it is fascinating the term and what people, and then, you

know, that applies even to, you know, people, some people like prefer African-American. Yes. I'm black, you know, it just depends case by case, I guess. The other day I was at the improv, I'm doing a show talking to the guy in the, in the front, where are you from? I'm Mexican. Talk to the lady next to him.

I say, you Mexican too? She goes, I'm Spanish. I go, you're from Spain? No. She goes, I'm Latina. I go, okay. So we slowly getting more way back to Mexico. I go, so are you Mexican?

She's like, my parents are, I go, so it's funny that she's trying to avoid the whole Mexican thing, but she's Spanish, right? Spanish, yeah. Exactly what you're saying. Yeah. And then, and then the language now, the language, Iranians call the language Farsi. Right. And there's been a whole movement now amongst like educated Iranians to say in the

West, we should be telling people that they should call it Persian, because that's the language. So it's kind of like saying like, like if a Spanish person would say they speak Espanol, but we say they speak Spanish. Oh, correct. I see. So Farsi is. The Persian is like, is like saying Spanish.

Uh-huh. Espanol is like saying Farsi is like saying Espanol. Gotcha. So Farsi is more on point, though. That sounds like you're saying the right thing. Yeah. I'm all, and I, by the way, I, I changed them left and right. So when I first started to stand up intentionally, I would say I'm Iranian

because I kind of wanted to put it in people's faces and go, look, I'm proud. I'm not trying to hide behind anything. I did a whole bit about how Iranians say they're Persian and all that stuff. So Persian is kind of a concealing element. It's, it's the intent is a little fancier than yours, but I'm not Iranian. I'm Persian. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I know you got to get out of here. Yeah. And I hate that. Yeah. I'm bummed out too. I'm sorry. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm gonna do something that most people, none of us will get to do. Yeah. A lot of people get to do movies, TV shows, specials. You got invited to the White House. Yes. What? I didn't know that.

Yeah. And I saw, I watched you. I was like watching CNN or something. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. I don't know what it was about. Yeah.

And I was like, holy shit. Yeah. God said you're talking with Obama. It was crazy shit. It wasn't, it was, it was Michelle Obama. So what happened is I was actually having this conversation with Chris Delia the other day because Chris, as you guys know, was in the latest Eminem logic song. Yes.

And he was talking about homicide. And he was talking about, he goes, I never would have thought I would have done this. And he said, he said, when he first started stand up, he goes, I, well, he said, the two things I might have put on is like, be mentioned in a rap song and, and go on Saturday Night Live. And I go, not only were you mentioned in a rap song, you're rapping with Eminem. I go, so. Yeah.

So you might not end up hosting Saturday Night Live. You might end up running Saturday. Like that's how it felt. Yeah. And I was, I was thinking about how, and I'm sure you guys have had these types of moments where when you first start out, like, I'm not one of these guys who goes, here's my one year plan, my five year plan, my 10 year plan. None of that.

I was just like, I just want to be a regular at the clubs. I'd like to get on the late night shows. Would love to have a sitcom. And that was it. But never in my wildest dreams would I thought I would ever perform at the White House. And it was just the universe coming together. So what happened was under the Obama's, they started doing this thing where they

would reach out to different communities and they would encourage them to come and like they would throw a party for, you know, like the Greek community to celebrate whatever the Greek Orthodox people celebrate and, you know, the, the Muslim community and this and that. So for Noruz, for Persian New Year, they did an event at the White House and actually Obama had a handful of Iranian American people working in his administration. And these were people that have grown up in America and they're very like on top of it, young and, and they're on it.

So they helped organize these Persian New Year events. And so one of the first years they invited me because in the Persian community, I'm well known. And so Sam Tripoli says, it goes, you're like the Persian Elvis, otherwise known as pelvis. And so, so, you know, and putting their guest list together, they invited me and I was like, what is this? And they go, well, you know, we're going to have a meal and this and that.

And I was like, I don't know if I can make it. So I didn't go the second year. Well, the first year I didn't go because I was like, I was doing a show in New York and I would have had to like get the kids and my wife on an airplane, fly there, do it, go, but it was just too much hassle. And I also kind of felt like it was going to be like, you're going to be in the back of some room and I don't know who was going to speak. And that's kind of what it turned out to be.

Somebody who went told me they're like, it wasn't like hanging out with Michelle Obama. It was like, oh, there she is. And here I am eating at the White House. So, so the second time I got invited, it was again, the organizers reached out and they said, we would like you to actually speak at this event. Oh, wow. And that's when I was like, wait a minute, what are you talking about? And I didn't realize like the the gravity of it.

And so what they did was, again, I got a chance to bring my wife and my mom and my sister and my family and my kids. And we all went there and it was a Persian New Year event. And they said, basically, you're going to go up. And it's funny because as a stand up, I thought I thought they wanted me to like do stand up. So I kind of came up with like a speech that had already built in jokes. So I kind of put it together and I'm going and then they go, you're going to

do five minutes and then you're going to bring up Michelle Obama. I was like, what? What? Yeah. So how cool is that? So how do you prepare that? Bringing up? Well, I just took I took this little bit that I done and then I got to meet her in the room before like she made our family.

Should we have this picture? That's like one of our favorite pictures. We're all together. And it was funny because I later came to realize every time you see these guys talk like the, you know, Trump now speak or whatever, that podium that they're standing on, that was the same podium I was at. Wow. I got to be at that podium.

And so it was something I would never have thought of. It's crazy. And it happened. So unique. It's so unique. So special. Yeah. And it's just again, like, listen, man, we don't know.

That's a cool life story. Yes, it is. And it goes back to like whenever I get a chance, I talked to it when it like is my mom and dad wanted me to be a lawyer and they were really pushing for that. And they would never would have wanted me to do this. They tried to talk me out of this. So whenever I get a chance and I talk to somebody young and go, listen, dude, if you like something, go for it.

Screw your parents. You've got to live for yourself. It's true. And it doesn't mean necessarily going to be successful at it, but at least you'll be happy. That's true. At least. Assuming what you'll have to do.

Yeah. And then maybe you'll get a chance to go to the White House. Here's Obama. Come on, your mom's house. Yeah. Here's Obama talking about it, actually. Wait, my bitch nigga. Buy your own damn fries.

Now you know that guy ain't shit. Sorry I got nothing on me, right? Nothing. They're white folks. And then they're ignorant motherfuckers like you. There you go. That was how it was. I remember that moment.

That was weird. That was a great, great moment in my life. That is Obama. Yeah, yeah, that's fantastic. I miss him. It makes me miss him a lot. Yeah, yeah. It's my favorite quote of his.

Yeah, my favorite speech here. All right, I know you got to go. All right. Thank you for having us. Masjobrani, do you anything you want to direct people? Yes, I have my own podcast going now. It's called Back to School with Masjobrani. Back to school with Masjobrani.

And I'm on social media at Masjobrani. And you can find the podcast on iTunes, YouTube, all that stuff. So hit me up at Masjobrani, Twitter, Instagram. I'm teaching a Persian word of the week every week. I love that. What's your word? Follow me. Last week, I taught how to say, was it last week of the week

before I taught people how to say, like, get the hell out of here? Oh, say it. You say, Boro, Boro means go. Boro. And then Baba, which is dad. Baba. So you go, Boro Baba, which means, like, like. Boro Baba.

Boro Baba. Jamish. Jamish. Kon. Kon. Boro Baba. Jamish Kon. Boro Baba.

Jamish Kon. Boro Baba. Jamish Kon. Jamish Kon. You got it. That's the way you got to do it. Boro Baba. Jamish Kon.

Jamish means, like, pack it up. Yeah. So it's like, like, get out of here, dad. But it's like, you're saying, like, get the hell out of here, dude. Pack it up. La. Boro Baba. Jamish Kon.

Boro Baba. Jamish Kon. Every week, you'll learn a phrase if you're following on Instagram. Love that shit. Love it. Thanks, guys. Thank you.

Thanks, Masj. McDonald's. Cheeseburgers. McDonald's. Flayfish. McDonald's. Chicken nuggets. McDonald's.

Prize. Free McDonald's all the time. Free McDonald's all the time. Free McDonald's all the time. McDonald's. You got a McDonald's, nigga? Burgers. Burgers.

Burgers. Flayfish. Burgers. Burgers. Burgers. Chicken nuggets. McDonald's. Cheeseburgers.

McDonald's. Flayfish. So good. It's so good. Thanks, McDonald's. Thank you, McDonald's. Is a happy meal for a boy or a girl. Yeah, what's up with that?

Why don't you pick your own pronoun? And the nuggets? I love the nuggets. Who's lost 100 a big one? Many, many friends, fries. Many, many friends, fries. Many, many friends, fries. You got a McDonald's, nigga?