Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 502-Jim Gaffigan & Andrew Collin-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

Get ready for another high and tight episode mommies! We start off the show with a classic cool girl we know everyone will love. We then get into Christina P's Tik Tok profile and why the sites algorithm keeps giving her the coolest people on the internet! We then check to see who at YMH has the lowest Uber rating. What's yours??? A neat video for Christina, and couple SOLID entries for #HorribleOrHilarious . We then welcome our first guest, Jim Gaffigan! He tells us about growing up Catholic, starting comedy and finding his "style" and having FIVE kids! We ask him about the time a bunch of horse enthusiasts got mad at his horse jokes, and we run him through one of our favorite videos! #4strokegang Then, we have on comedian Andrew Collin, who actually went to high school with Tom and played football with him! He tells us about getting connected with Nikki Glaser, partying in South Beach with Lil' Jon, contributing to the mortgage crisis, hitch hiking, and much much more!

OH SHIT Gene You I'll help you okay. Yeah do my dates for me bro You did such a good time last time August good job second through third net no no do the one before it Sorry, sorry, sorry June 20 through 22nd DC improv Washington DC Washington Dickham August 2nd through 3rd wise guys in Salt Lake City shortly titties Turner ball Turner Hall ballroom is September 5th in Milwaukee Milk donkey donkey dick September 6th. You're at Talia Hall in Chicago

And September 7th. You're at the Great Wilbur in Boston Mastage huge tits. There you go. There you go. Now. She's in it Zany's comedy club in Nashville October 3rd through 5 and you're in Seattle and Portland on the 22nd and 23rd November meet rattle and Horlund go to Christina P. Online Thank You Tommy. You did a great job. Thank you For me, I'm in Richmond, Virginia this week the late show on the 13th. You can still get tickets to Hanover is sold out on the 14th Honolulu and Atlantic City is sold out. That is June 15th

Oh, I go on to Wichita or Tulsa Wichita and Kansas City the show on June 30th in Kansas City has tickets from then the The tour rolls on go to Tom's a girl comm slash tour a ton of dates We added second shows in Canada at in Toronto Winnipeg, Vancouver We added a show in Dublin Ireland that's on sale. That's in November and a bunch of other shows have been added. So Check it out. Go see if your city is there. Tom's a girl comm slash tour. We're also going to announce more cities

in another week and I even have more announcements after that in August. So Jesus Christ It's really crazy. It's a crazy year. Yeah. Thank you guys for all your support and That is that I like this song. That's a good one, right? Yeah. Yeah, it says it's it's an old one It's called pumped. I don't even know who made it. Oh, I don't know who made it. Okay My birthday is June 18th. No, it's not What do you mean? Yeah, I'll be accepting gifts from you. Oh Oh now now until then

What are you gonna do for me? I don't know, but you know what's happening just a few days before then No, you don't know Josh Potter is gonna be in New York with Robert Paul. Shut up. Are we have the tickets been booked? It's being booked Happy birthday to me. That's that's the best gift anybody could have ever gotten me. I don't know if he feels the same way Josh is a gamer man. I can't believe it. So wait, he's gonna hang out with He's gonna do all kinds of things with him. Yeah, he's gonna go do karaoke on the I think it's a little too soon for that I think I think Robert was saying that starts in July, but we just need to get him out there Yeah, and we need to give him his gifts. We got gifts for him. What are we gonna give him? He's got gear

He's got equipment phone. He needs a phone desperately and he's got cash. We're giving him money So because I have that I have that crazy notion of mine that Robert's not into checks So we're gonna send him with cash Wow, and is Josh going with protection? He yes, and by the way, thank you. Thank you for all of the volunteers This is not gonna be a group trip. So but yes, he is going with somebody with someone from our staff No, but somebody okay that I've been speaking to okay great So he needs all the help he can get he needs all the help he can get and he's got can't wait. Yeah All right fun episode big episode. Oh, yeah big guests. I can't wait

Who's this shining lady? I love her so much. This is ideal. This is ideal Everything about her. I mean look at her big balloon tits like our swim instructor last year This is my Dalmatian right here. There's your second wife. This is her. That is my right. There she is Let's see. Let's see if my wife my second wife has the message that I hope she has Let's see go ahead And that's what I do Yes Don't bring anyone loving to this

Oh What are you doing Dude, I I completely forgot we we had such a long recording week last week I totally forgot to make the longer. Thank God. Thank you for forgetting Okay The intro song needs to be seven minutes long. Oh my god, okay So every week that we forget we still make it a little bit longer. We still pretend like yes So next week no seven would have been this week. So next week make it like 10 to 12 minutes long

Oh my god, we'll do a 10 minute intro next week guys. That's what people want nobody He said he said he's checked and they won a longer intro. Yeah guys. I'm sorry. I let Tom down. I like Christina Don't let me down. I let everybody down. Yes, you did. Thank God. You suck cuz I don't want it. I don't want it You Jew mother fuck you fucking blue man All right, all right, I guess we'll be able to deal with it today, but not again, okay Anyways jeans, how are you my love? I love you great. I'm doing great I'm really excited that that Josh is gonna finally

Go there and I mean. Oh my are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, the whole world is waiting to get this intel on On what's going on with RPC? Here's what I want Josh from you. I want to know I want to know Robert Paul Champagne's daily routine I want to know what time he wakes up in the afternoon. I want to know What what he eats when he eats what he does? What's the daily routine like full review of the layout of the home? Yeah, I want like What does he do all night? What is he eating? I want to hear it all I want the full experience

I want to know what it's like to be black and homeless in Harlem and Accepting an invitation to live with this guy Yeah, we're gonna get the whole 24 7 3 65 Routine here, you know, it's gonna be a real. Yeah, we're gonna peel back all the layers That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, we're gonna find out I don't I was thinking you know playing this out in my head and thank you by the way for offering Your services all those strangers out there because that's what we need in this whole thing is more strangers But I do appreciate all the offers I

The only thing I'm concerned about is literally getting two two three nine five Wagner What do you mean? Why well because I I'm getting Intel that it's a dicey part of town and I'm gonna be equipped with lots of Plentiful bounty for right, you know, and I'm I don't know, you know, it could be a target on my back. I just don't give me any labeled gear No, no, no, you're gonna go you're gonna fly it low-key, man. Okay. Good. Good. Good. But yeah, once I get in there, you know, I'll I'll sit down. I'll have one of his beverages. Hopefully I get a fresh glass I am curious. I hope that when you get your drink you go like have you pissed in this?

Yeah, it's just one of the teeth. I want to find out, you know, do you have pee glasses that are separate from regular glasses? Oh, no, it's fine. I watched it. Hey, you know what? Yeah Now are you going to be staying overnight at his house or are we putting Josh in a hotel in the projects? I don't know. I mean, I'd never thought of that. It's kind of I mean, do you want to sleep there? I mean, why don't we just in case maybe get a hotel and then Like we'll see where the night goes, you know, maybe we're partying too hardcore and what if you just run out of We lose track of time the sun's coming up, you know What if you have like an epic night and you're like, dude, this is I don't want to come back

Like what if you're just like I'm moving to Harlem, bro. It's awesome here. Yeah, dude I can get like you said 396 Perhaps, you know, yeah 2396 2396. Yeah, I mean, I'm open for all the possibilities. I'd love, you know to rage with Robert and see how He gets down. Yeah, dude. I'm I just hope it's the best and we're setting you with a camera guy Yeah, and which I will get into later You know, I can't wait to see the footage. I can't wait for the full report. I hope you we get a lot of Enthusiasm from him when he gets his gifts

Oh, I can't wait to see his face when he opens up his his wonderful packages. What if he's disappointed though? He's like, yeah, I didn't want this. I wanted to get I wanted to get fucked and beat on You know like what I thought we were gonna bring him a person. That's true I mean, we can't really do that. But yeah, you could be disappointed. Hey, by the way Can you see the image that we're looking at right now? Yeah, okay, so we were thinking Okay about giving you a makeover. Yeah What do you think of this look? We'll see before your trip to new york. Do I get to do I get those cool glasses? Yeah, okay cool

I like the glasses. I like his marty grah beads Um, I don't know that I can I think he has hair and literally the only place on my head. I can't grow hair Oh That's a problem. I have like the opposite hair is but his hair is dope. Isn't it? Yeah, it's tight I wish I can grow my hair there, dude. Now. This is another one of my tick tock Frequencies can I tell you something on the app every night been on tick tock sending the group tick tock selects Oh my god, so many and you guys are like we don't see anybody like these people I don't I joined it just because Christina sends these wonderful people. Why aren't they in your algorithms?

I don't know. I have like I don't like regular people doing like Ariana grande songs and stuff and then you've come across. I'm like, where is she looking? I can't but I can't get those normal people. That's why I joined tick tock. What kind of people what kind of people are you getting? What kind of people a lot of like touched people I think people whose eyes are very far apart a lot of people who are Missing a lot What it's true. What it's just truth. I'm not I'm not being I I like all their videos I encourage them. I follow them like I'm trying. I'm not trying to be a hater. You know what I mean May I ask when you signed up Christina? Did you put something maybe your algorithms off or something?

Maybe did you put a special word in? Uh in your preferences? No No, here's a problem everybody that you've sent me You're like, hey, this is a tick tock video every single one has been a non Job having person now you don't know that There's some Walmart readers. There's I know Well, there's everyone is in assisted living. So why what how does this happen?

Here's why I think it's happening Because when I signed up it was for like the dancing videos and then I think what happened is like a random Special person would pop up and then I'd like it because I'm like I want to encourage that person Yeah, because I'm not a dick like I'll be like dude I want to I want to make them feel good. And then now my feet is like all this kind of videos It's all special people saying So now I've got to like I don't know how to clean my deck. Do you know what I'm saying? Like now I'm stuck in

In our worded tick tock Yeah, you gotta start over start from scratch. No, I think it's really good what you got going Yeah, you've really curated a great profile. I think I mean the shit you send me is just unbelievable. You're welcome You know what? I'm gonna start. I'm gonna start a tick tock feed on my insta story So you guys can share in what your feed it seems like the the shrivers curate your feed, you know, huh? So But so what about josh getting this haircut so we can't I mean, uh, if if you guys know a doctor That can get you know restore my hair in that particular part of my head

What about would you do? Because you shave today. Yeah, you look great. I didn't shave today. Well, you know, I am shaved. You did trim you did trim recently You look younger. Uh, you do But if you did grow out the beard again, would you be into the Puerto Rican pencil beard? Oh, man, that's tough to maintain. No, you don't have to maintain it for long But I mean would you I would like to see how it looks on me You know, maybe I can get some buns with that Puerto Rican line beard Okay, I would love to I'm not against testing it out. What are we offering him?

Well, I would like to do the Puerto Rican beard and then a full Like a clothing makeover. Yeah, where basically you dress like a Puerto Rican New York male would like a beater A what? Oh wife beater. Yeah, but I think no, I think a little more flavor something that pops some a little louder I'm saying Miami Puerto Rican. Yeah, I'm saying a little louder. I want you to do white pants I want you to do Maybe a collar shirt, but with like some logos and shit on it. Like, uh,

Pachino and Scarface. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A dragon. Yes. Yeah I want rhinestones on the pockets. I like that. Maybe some cowboy. Would you be open to this? I mean, I'd like to see how it looks Maybe it's an upgrade from what if all of a sudden you just start crushing. Oh my god I go out walk down you start in East Hollywood and all the girls are like, okay And then you just have to start speaking with an accent. Yeah, I'm like, what's what you doing like a I speak like razor remote. Just adopt your dad's accent. I'm the bad guy. How did your dad say the bad guy? My dad has like an like a weird hodgepodge mutt accent

So it's kind of all over. He's like, you know, I talk like this any accent for simple women in western New York Any accents they're like, oh, he talked funny. I like that. And then they are all about simple Simple. Hey, that could be the word that I choose for my tiktok feed. You have a real simple Yeah, that's a good word for I think that might be a good title for a special simple women Or just simple. This is for simple women. Yeah, I like that Simple. Yeah, but that might be good for your tender profile I don't know that I can portray an accent in my no, but I say in your bio. I'm more for simple women Yeah, I'm looking for a nice simple woman. Yeah, there are those and that people put that all the time and girls like

I'm a simple girl. They write that in their like And then you go we're a match, but I don't think they mean the same one that I'm looking for. I think they mean like real Like I'm real or just like no frills. No. Yeah. I'm not a phony either. Yeah, but you're you're talking about actual mental Yeah, I want like yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't look like a real talker Right. No, I I don't want you to be very verbose. That's a big word. I don't want your vocabulary to be extensive Just like dick here, you know that kind of thing That kind of like our opener like the girl. Yeah, she was perfect. She had all the right words She was fucking awesome. She's like the president all the best. Who is that? Who is that sweet girl? Who is she?

So you're Something anderson something great. That's what I've been told. Sophie anderson perhaps is a Something anderson. I like that name the best. Does it matter guys? Yeah, does it matter? Well, I'd like to see some more footage. So that's why I kind of wanted that Do we have to try following her on twitter and it really Litterers your feed with just non-stop pornography. She reads Oh, really? Yeah, it's kind of like christina. What's her handle? Tiktoks

It's simple You unfollowed her. Can you believe that she had too much porn? Wow, what kind of thing is that to say? She was cool I like her So yeah, make me over. I'll be porto rican. I don't See so we're gonna do josh's porto rican makeover. Do I do it for robber paul champagne? Do I show up that way? No, I don't want to I don't want to tease him or anything. Well, he don't want we don't want him to get beaten up in the projects Great. I think that would be yes, but would that be proper camouflage to navigate the project? Yes, it would of course it would

What are you talking about, baby? He's gonna stick out the the look the cockroach now can go anywhere and be incognito He does he blends in right now. No, he needs to get out of the car. Hey like is this a 23 95? You get out like that and you're and you're all in your gear Robert, you know where two three nine five is Like that. Yes, and I think robert sees you come in. He's like, oh This guy's got some flavor to him. I like it. Yeah, he'll think I'm latino Yeah, and then he'll be like do you have a job or you Freshly out of jail. Yeah, you guys could have the whole thing take off. You don't know

Now I was going to ask you this Would it be insulting to robert if I asked him to drink my piss when I go? I don't think so actually I think that's a yes answer for the rest of humanity But I think I think that's actually Dude, you got to do that. Is that like a yeah. Yeah, maybe I'll maybe I'll taste my own in front of him You have to ask

I think once you guys get a little rapport going like you're sitting there. You've given them some gifts I'll just yeah, you go. I gotta take a piss. No, I'll say go in a cup No, no, no, I'll say I'd be honored if you were to sample my wares And drink my piss dude, but do you do you think robert? I mean, I'm sorry. I just get some clarity on the matter. Do you think he enjoys drinking other people's piss? That's what he wants. That's the question. No, no, no, no, no, no, no Because he says piss on me beat me. Yeah, he does. He does say piss on me not piss in my mouth guys, right? He drinks his own piss. Mm-hmm because no one came over to piss

That makes me sad second place He wants your piss Poor guy. I would bet you I'll bet you money right now. What do you want to bet that if you make that offer? He's like a hundred percent, please What if he asks me like, you know, what's my diet? He's like, I'm gonna need to know what you've been consuming in the last couple days He doesn't want to talk about that. Well, your pee's brown anyways because you all you drink is red bull. Okay. What color is your pee? What color is your pee? It's a moderate color. It's I'm not gonna say it's clear, but it's definitely not brown But it's dark yellow. It's dehydrated. You're in definitely. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, it's probably strong

Will you please make that a part of the hell? Yeah, I mean, shit. I'm gonna have to pee while I'm there Miles will do it in his cups He's gonna love it. I promise you love you He will Oh, shit. I can't wait for this trip, dude. All right. All right. I can't wait So I wanted to bring up um as I'm in I'm kind of cool now. I'm on the tiktok Oh my god, and I also just found out there's like a new mom thing. I just found out That not only can you rate your driver on uber?

They rate you did you know that? Yeah, I did not know that. Yeah, I did not know that Now I'll tell you I'm a I'm a nice person The ratings are from one to five Correct by being the highest obvious Now I'm just for the wreck for the record, y'all know whenever somebody delivers groceries or or door dash or whatever I always give them a five star five star five star five star unless something egregious You know, it's clearly like they're they're simple. You know what I'm saying or like something's Happened. Yeah, I I vary

I usually go you're hurt. No, you're hateful. No, you're spiteful You're spiteful if it's if it's a great ride and a great driver. It's five all the way What is a great ride and a great driver to you? Just what does it mean to you because it is subjective? It's subjective. I just mean You know the the person is pleasant nice, you know, um like you have a you just have a good ride I don't know. I mean like the the the driving is not erratic There's a lot of terrible drivers driving for uber. I know You know, he's not slamming on the brakes switching lanes crazy So if that happens like if if

If there's none of that person gets me from pointy to point B nice drive Nice person doesn't smell a lot of times. I get these Rouskies with their cologne clean clean car clean as nice. Yeah five five star. Okay, if if they're lacking in one of those I'll go four. Okay Um, sometimes I forget honestly, and I just do five no matter what but yeah, that's your five But if I if I'm aware of it, I'm like, um, that was kind of shitty the way he drove or something for If the person's a dick or drives like a psycho, then I'll go low

Wow, you've given under a four star. Oh, yeah, of course. You've never done that. I've never done that Yeah, it's I feel like it's either five or one star, right? I mean, yeah, that's how I do it. Wow Well, I mean you have to really fuck up to get yeah, of course. I'm not doing it for nothing Yeah, I need to be scared for my life to give a one star. That's true dude's like Jamming I can swing and land. Yeah, of course stinky car Talking on his phone the whole time. Yeah Checking his phone checking his phone is a complete. It's not allowed in my world. I get very upset with that. So dangerous

So I didn't realize I've never known that until recently our millennial alley told us This is that uber drivers, right? You well, I mean, what do you mean? I didn't know I I had no idea that under your uber profile is your review Pid them review. I'm like you're fucking joking. So of course the first thing I do I immediately go to my uber profile What do you think my number is I already know well, okay I know that your because you posted it you posted it you did because I feel very proud of my number I know one of my favorite things was as you posted it a bunch of people posted their higher scores. I know I know, okay, so listen, so yours is 4.85 correct

Which I think out of a 4.85 out of five is pretty good. That's pretty good. Now. I'm gonna admit right now in Shortleague city one time I canceled and I had to cancel an uber So I think that may have can they rate you based on you canceling the ride Really? Sure. That's not but you didn't ride with them. You sure. Maybe you canceled late or yeah I did kind of dicked around and fucked over their time. I a hundred percent cancelled last minute It was a dick move. It was because the weather changed. It was a long story. I had to do it You know what I did one time. Josh says you could rate them too when you cancel You know what I did one time

so I called an uber at a hotel and He just you know was not there like I was running late to go to the airport And then a car just happened to be there and the guy was An uber driver, but he wasn't the one that I called And I was like I got to go like are you can you drive me? He's like, yeah get in. Whoops So I get in As I get in the uber that's picking me up pulls up And I go just go go go

We start going and that driver is following along. He's putting it together and he's like gesturing. Oh, shit So I go all right. I cancel it. I go what I'll do is to like try to make this work I'm going to request another ride as I'm in your car And just you just accept it He was like, okay, because he thought that would work too. So I I called it And then the other guy accepted it again the other driver So he's driving along next to us and he's going like gesturing like this. Oh, shit And I was like, yeah, just fuck him. So just hit the gas man

and he's just We just we just left him He was in a car. I mean, he wasn't so you just pay him cash. Yeah, you pay for the ride. Okay So here's my thing. I think 4.85 is a pretty great score. Yeah, I don't know your uber score But I think that definitively one may deduce Who the real personality champ is Because this is from a pool of people that have gotten to know me at a very cursory level over time Now I admit I made a mistake in short like titty. I remember that I don't think I've been rude to people. You know

Oh Yeah, but I think my score will be higher than yours because I am the personality champ 4.85 Right now. Let's ask. Let's ask the staff what amongst you guys. What are your scores? I'm just curious to see what your score is Yeah, what is it? 4.91 Damn, homie. Chris, do you know what yours is? Oh, all right. What? Yeah, he doesn't know. Oh gosh. Does he have it you use lift? Oh, okay. See maybe I should start using lift because this is getting in my head now. I want to get my score up

That means I have the lowest score here. Shut up. What is it? 4.81? Is that low? Is that bad? Well, you're practically you're an animal 4.81. We don't know alleys. Do you know alleys? I'm sure she's a she's five five. She's told me 5.0 Allie, are you listening come in and tell us your uber score if you're listening to the show or text her find out She sent me a text. I don't know if you're watching. I think alleys got a damn near perfect score because she's that She it's important for her. I don't know. Okay, so josh you're 4.91. You said Damn, and then nadab you're 4.81. So you're it's egregious. See that sounds high, but I think it's oh What's your score?

Five even five How can I get my score up alley I'm the personality champ. Damn. I'm already super nice. Okay. I need to get my uber score up. Okay So let's let's recap. Dude. Mommy is I am the personality champ at 4.85 josh potter is actually 4.91. He's high up there Blue band so far the lowest for 4.81 tom go ahead your score is and I want to verify it with my own bird eyes Let me see your app because I think you're gonna lie. I don't trust you I'm the true personality champ here. I know that I have a higher score than you

I just know it and I'm finally glad that there's a way to Quantify Go ahead. I am Also a 5.0. Bullshit. I'm lying. I am 4.78 Yes Yes, oh my god. He really is I knew it. I knew it. I knew it 4.78 You're a dick. You're the lowest of all of us. Yeah, I bet that guy probably didn't review me well

You know, do you think that one ride is what did your but it can't just be one bad score It has to be a few bad scores, right? I mean, fuck does anybody know how uber works? Yeah, of course It's gotta be more than one. No, of course. It's cumulative 4.7 average Bro, I've got to make a fucking shirt that says 4.85 personality champ Yeah, dude I don't know don't you feel like we but actually josh potters the true personality champ with a four point and i'm sorry Alley is five stars five So i'm the third

Third place personality. That's not that great That's it is compared to you Yeah, but I mean look at our even here in this building. You're not even the top three I am the top three Whatever your third place. Yeah, but i'm still higher than you. I'm fucking happy about a bronze medal I'm happier. I'm happy that I beat you. I knew it. I fucking knew I was a personality Josh also said that he doesn't drive. So I mean Yeah, he has to have that work. So he does a lot more than me probably

So wait, is he always charming them? Is he talking to him and everything? Yeah, what do you do to get a such a high rate? I literally do not speak to uber drivers ever. That's what it is. You just have a five-star exchange. You're not Wait, do you say do you say hey five for five? No, I just do it right when I get out five and if they fuck me, I will haunt them Wait, tom, do you bait them five for five? No, never. I'm going to five stars, bro. You know No, but I heard that I heard that I don't know if this is true That a driver like if you give them a rating and they haven't they'll see your rating of them You know, oh, jeez. That's terrible. I'm glad I usually forget until the next time I order. Yeah, I don't know

I'm gonna do that five for five shit. I'm gonna start bribing people. I want my score to be way higher You're gonna start saying it. Yeah, I'll be like, bro. I'll give you fucking five for five I'm gonna do it I just want to keep the score way higher and my credit has always been better than yours. No, it's not always been Yeah, uh, it was when we got married. My credit score was way better. That's not that's not the case anymore Oh shut up. It's not the case your credit score is not better. It is now It is You know what just because you have the credit I'm gonna show you this

No, no, I want you to see I don't want it eating a peach. Oh, I've seen this guy. No, you this is a different guy You haven't seen this guy. He's a cool guy. I can tell you this guy is shirtless. I don't want it. Go ahead I don't want it and he is showing you What he does I know what he's doing. What is he doing? Tell the I don't want to know. Oh, I don't like it I don't want to see this guy. Tell us what he's doing. Nope He is

Showing you how he would take care of you with his eye. I see it. I got it your vagina or a peach That's the best way to describe it. He's looking aggressively But you know what I like about him. I'm so embarrassed for him right now. He's not just Going for the clit. He's he's see he's kissing the sides He's he's giving it the full treatment. So Thank you. He doesn't just jump in and go click click click click click. He goes Okay, I thank you next next next. I got it. I don't mean it and he gives you the ah Then he goes back down kind of goes near your asshole a little bit

He does a really nice job. I have to say if I were a lady, I'd feel like this would be a I don't know that was up Can you please watch? Yeah, that's a big old tongue too. It looks like it's got weight on it. Yeah Yeah, he's got a big beef tongue. I do I listen. I just on a loop Uh Really? I'm just like I'm just embarrassed for him when I see people doing shit like this. I'm just embarrassed I'm so embarrassed. Yeah, you know who it works for a simple woman The kind Josh yeah, she would get this be like, yeah, that looks like that that'll feel good

They'll feel good on my pussy would josh make a video like this of him. Oh, I don't want to see anybody doing this Yeah, josh, would you can we take him off the monitors? It's like it's enough Yeah, I think we're good. Can we stop? Thank you. Would he do it or no? I don't like Nobody Nobody wants it josh 4.78 over here doesn't want it. I don't want it 4.78 likes it Yeah, I like it a lot. Thank you for showing that. Do you have the lowest score of all of us? I know you're such Oh my god. So you know how the funniest video that we've ever played is that

Asian man working in Taiwan. Guess what? No new video Oh, cool. Not the same garage. This one's in russia. Yeah, can we do volume up? And so by the way same type of framing if you're listening camera is mounted in the windshield Car is this time in the shop And yeah volume. Let's go and and see what happens. Okay So they're doing work there

And the car this time is rolling out of the ground Oh good So it rolled out of a garage down a hill Into a body of water like a lake or something. Mm-hmm. This is terrifying. Yeah, I'm terrified This is horrible. What part I don't even That part you think is funny the scream is oh my god Don't Babe that was terrifying. You don't think that's funny at all. No

No, I'm picturing myself in that position and I don't like it. That's so scary, babe. All right I guess we have a different sense of humor kind of I'm bummed out. You fucking bum me out I'm serious. I'm like upset now. I don't want to go on with this show because First you show like is this just the upset Christina episode What do I fucking play that the guy licking peaches and then it's the Uh, like woman screaming. Is there anything else you can upset me with and put me in a foul mood?

Absolutely. Yeah, we've got another horrible. No, no, no, no. I don't want it. What is it? I don't want it No, it's it's just a new flavor of skydiving I'm scared. Okay, go for it All right, let me set it up real cool. Oh my god Why does that upset you? I don't get it. What do you mean? The woman is gonna die in the fucking water. No, she's not in the Chernobyl Water Oh, no, no, I know it's coming. How do you feel? I don't like it. I'm doing pretty good So this is a I know a parachuter on it coming not interested. Did he pass out? He did he passed out

Guys Guys Oh Okay, so it's a tandem skydiving and the Off to the professionals in the back The customer is in the front and the customer passed out like his eyes roll back Instructors like how you doing man, and then he just starts vomiting Well, he's supposed to vomit into a bag. I guess they prepare for it

But he's so out of it. He just starts puking and it's flying everywhere and the instructor's like, hey, what the fuck man But he also can't see how out of it this customer is so right. Yeah, it gets it gets a little funnier I think christine. You could just stomach. No, I fucking can't. I thought we were done. I don't you know I don't You So he passed out and then puked while passed out and doesn't even realize that he had already thrown up all over himself Yeah, so he was like, no man. I don't need a puke and the instructor's like, dude, you just puked all You did already on me and in my face and mouth

I don't like that at all. That's my nightmare. Well, first of all, isn't it really dangerous? Isn't it dangerous to vomit when you're passed out you could Choke at the end of it. Uh-huh. That was great. No, that wasn't great I don't know what you're laughing at psycho reminded me of the bad bad bite I don't know. I think combining the russian car scream and the vomit

Uh with gabriel. I think it reminds me of that. Maybe that's the next supercut. I should do is just all the funniest screams from all That's great. Yeah. Yeah, I'll work on that. I think I got a bad bite Yeah, I'm in such a bad mood. Is this anchor checking on the way? Oh, no, we're about to do it. Our guest first guest is about to well, I mean, I'm bummed out now I don't even want to do it anymore. Should we do this real quick? That was horrible native. Yeah All right, let's do it. Yeah, go ahead ruin my life. That was really fun. It wasn't I enjoyed that a lot All right

horrible Okay You know our next guest is uh, too good for this room. Um, He really is board time grammy nominated uh best selling new york times best selling author emmy awards he has More children than comedy specials, but it's still a lot and now um, he's been doing you know, obviously acting for a while But now you have Couple or a number of movies coming out this year

Um being frank's coming out uh the 14th Father's Day weekend and later this year american dreamer a dark thriller opening September 20th jim gaffigan. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Oh my god Yeah, we're honored jim gaffigan. You know the comedy power couple. That's right, man It's exciting. Can I I have to fangirl out on you here. I only want you to speak in hungarian What is the hungarian you guys are called the miguerre people my yard It's terrible. Why does how does that get from that? It's terrible that language is related to nothing finish an Estonian. It's like it's terrible. You don't want listen listen

I when I was a little baby comedian I would listen to you your albums over and over again And my very first legit booking as a comedian You were the headliner at the hollywood improv. Oh my god. I will never forget maybe 2007 or eight And I I was beyond member. I was like tony jim gaffigan Highlighting and you have um, okay, you have so many great bids, obviously But the thing I remember from that night you go You go I was watching an alpo commercial. Come on. You know your joke all those savory chunks

I thought you're not giving that to the dog. Are you? It's a very rare for me to discuss food But the word the word choice of savory chunks in relation to alpo like your language is so funny and oh, thanks Anyway, I'm laughing at that for a decade I was getting nervous when someone's like I saw you 12 years ago. I'm like, oh no I was hungry. I don't know I don't know

I didn't realize we'd ever discuss the past I always feel like when they when they bring up like the like the oldest thing that they like and you're like Ah, that's not that good though, right? Like, oh, why do you like the old thing the shittiest thing? Yeah, the shittiest thing that you can think like that. Oh, yeah Or people like they're like, I like you and then this other comedian. Yeah, you don't respect. Yeah You're like, okay. All right. I guess I'll just not count this one but uh That's always that curse when they start listing people you're like just stop the list man Stop the list. I know don't tell me who else you like clown that steps on balloons

I like all the artists. Oh, oh no No, my favorite is when you do a club and then they go you're you know, this is a good weekend But you know who we had last week So and so and they partied with the whole staff and they had the best crowds and you're like Why are you telling me that I know when your agent tells you who is more successful than you do my favorite too is like when the promote like the Promotion people will stop in the green room after the show and they'll be like talking to you about a bunch of stuff And then you go like you're not gonna say anything about the show though

Like so it's so insecure. I like 75 minutes like you don't just say it was a masterpiece, but like are you not gonna say anything? Yeah, what's your pet peeve? What's your comedy? My um, gosh, I don't know. There's so many of them. I know but I've also gotten to the point where it's like I'm just I love it so much. I've gone through like Annoyed with travel and stuff. I mean granted me because I have five kids So it's like a vacation so crazy, you know, but uh, I just love it It's like I love doing the shows and I know that sounds kind of corny, but it's like every set It's like a nice long hour. You can try out things. Yeah, you can clean it up at the end. It's great

Do you still have fun doing spots? I do. I do. I mean, well, it's like there's nothing better than coming up with a new Joke or a new That's the key to it though. I gotta leave now Yeah, that's great So I think as you know, you're obviously like you're so well known and stand up now, but it's like you've been doing

A big, you know, you've been a big name and stand up for a while now What does that mean? Does it feel surreal sometimes where you're like because I I make notes sometimes when I'm in these theaters And I'll see you know a lot of times they have like posters from other tours And like I'll see your name. I'm like damn like he did this shit like 10 years ago And it feels like 10 years and stand up to be at that level feels like a long time. It's it's all a blur I mean, it's all like, uh, but you know, you guys are Dealing with the same thing like you sit there and you're like You get to theaters and you're like, this is unbelievable because by the way as a comedian

I know people I like to be in clubs. I like to be in clubs. But like yeah being in a theater A beautiful setting with people that came to see you that are not interrupted by You know some drunk person who came from a funeral It's like that's ideal. And then you're like, all right. How do I get these people to come back? So it's It's uh, it's fun to kind of uh You know try and get to the next it's all self-assignment, right? Do you feel like the only thing though like for like your success continuing has been that you just stayed doing the work Like you just keep

Doing, you know, I mean like just turning it over. Well, I think yeah, I mean, I feel as though, uh, You know success can corrupt, right? Oh, yeah, but I think it's also like You know, we all have friends that are very funny that just don't put the work in Right, do I mean or they get lazy or you know, there's a self-destructive streak in all comedians It's like it's the one unifying thing, right? It's like and so, uh, You know, uh dodging some of that self-destructive stuff is pretty huge. But I don't know it's like it's you know Stand-up is so liberating. You know, we were talking about acting and I love acting but We can you know stand up you come up with some ideas. You can go and do them that night

Yeah, whereas like acting you're like, all right. First of all, I have to go and beg for a job And then like a year later it might get released. So it's It's a stand-up spoils us. Did you have that thing where the first time I had like a real acting job? I you know, it's like a funny part and then It's like you do it a few times and they're like I'm moving on. You're like, is that that's it And and then I remember telling the director like did you get what you need for this? Yeah, he's like we wouldn't move on Yeah, I was like Makes me nervous without the approval. I need the approval. Like clap. Tell me how funny laugh at me

Yeah, no, it is weird. It's also weird when you see what they used. You're like, yeah, I wouldn't I use that That's why like when you you know, that's why because we we're spoiled We have complete control like there's plenty of times when I was doing My show with my wife where I would just think to myself. This is why I'm on stage by myself Because it's easier. I don't have to worry about you know Someone you know having to get their hair done perfectly or something like that. I just would you get what was um, would you have like a lot of you know

conflicting You know points when you guys were doing your show together not not really I mean by the time You know, we were doing the show on tv land It was just I had been burned so many times through the years that I was just like no Like people would say like a network person would be like, you know, we feel like we and I would just be like no And they'd be like Jim don't be difficult and I'd be like then fire me. You know, I mean, yeah, it's like my name's on the show Yeah, it's my show. Yeah

So it sounds kind of dicky, but it gets to the point where I think it's comedians even you know, some of the power we give away when we start You know, it's like this club owner has some notes And then eventually you're like You know, you kind of like sit there and go. All right, you know, you can You can give me notes, but I'm not gonna take them Right, right. I have so many questions for you. Yes. Okay. Where did you start? I started in New York City. Okay over 500 years ago

I started in New York. It was like 90 1990 Yeah, it was like two years old 1990 you weren't two years old and uh And it was not a great time for stand-up. It was like after There was this time when there were all these cable shows like evening at the improv So like no one there had been a comedy boom and it kind of dissipated So there were all these comedians in no spots And I started bought, you know, like the the semi-generation right before me was really good Like it was Louis and a tell Kevin Brennan Todd Berry

Mark Marin like all these amazing comedians. So there wasn't much stage time. Oh, right. So those guys were already. Yeah, they were like the young You know, uh The hot the hot shit. So then how do you do you go on the road quickly? Yeah, we would well, you know Greg Geraldo and I would drive to Long Island You know, and then uh, I take the train to Connecticut, but like a lot of That's where I definitely uh had adapted this belief. It's just stage time that I need it, you know Because I know there's more prestigious places, you know, like you have to work at the prestigious place But in the end, it's really just the stage. Especially at the beginning. It's such a good deal. Well, here's my biggest question

Because I featured every you know, I'm sure the same way you did across the country doing every fucking shithole Hibachi grill Seafood restaurant in Florida captain so-and-so's play, you know um And I always wondered this because my my headliners would always be these filthy filthy filthy flaring acts And they would kill and they would just kill in these biker bars and I would get up and I had dirty joke here Try to be smart here And I would always ask Tommy remember I'd be like, how does a Jim Gaffigan form an act

That doesn't resort to my dick comes in my butt and I fart in my shit in my hands and you know what I think? Because that's what people fucking laugh at. Yeah, no people do love that But I think I don't know it's like I mean look I you know was not You know, it took a long time to even get weekend spots in New York City. So it was And you know, I I you know was went through a period where I cursed a lot. I tried on a lot of different hats Yeah, I remember your filthy. I used to smoke on stage Holy Yeah, so it's like I tried on different things. That's when your wife was like, I like this guy

That's you know, you're trying to find your authentic authentic point of view, right? And so it's like um, you know, so you're trying things like I tried voices I tried kind of Moving around a lot, you know, but you know, authentically, I'm a low-energy guy. Yeah, yeah, so But I uh, I don't know, you know, some of it it was Just you know, yeah No, like following someone really dirty because there were times when I initial like when you first start headlining In comedy clubs and they give you a middle that is a crowd pleaser and you're like, oh man, I'm gonna eat it Yeah, for 45 minutes. Yeah on that midnight show on saturday. You're like, this is just brutal

But by then you also have like a bag of tricks of like yes How to get them but that's some of why I did Uh, I have this inside voice where I talked for the audience was just to keep talking Right. Yeah, there was you know, like when I started it was I mean, I know it sounds like ridiculous, but it was it was kind of Combat like the audience, you know now we know about youtube and Uh, you know, you know comedy central and stuff like that It's like now an audience knows how to behave before it's like

It was kind of combat like it was like people were like They uh, or maybe this is how I remember it. It's like, you know, rodney danger field people the audience would yell out You know, andrew dice clay people would yell out So you would do shows in new york and I would go up there and I looked like john tash So they'd be like, let's tear him apart So I would just keep talking. Uh-huh. And that's where that whole talk to me. I mean, I I did that as a teenager Yeah, yeah, there's gotta be there's probably nights where you realize that the uh, the inside voice was getting bigger laughs On so nice. Yeah. Well, it was it was pretty inconsistent

Like it would work when I would like feature on the road But in uh, in new york city, it was kind of hit or miss And so it was one of those things like it started like right before I did my comedy central presents I was like it was starting to work a lot, but I was so terrified to do it taping And it didn't work. So I didn't do it. Oh Do you ever think about too like how crazy like now it feels like when a comic breaks out It's this huge world of like streaming everything, you know, I mean like every but like you're your special

Getting big the first time So it almost is like a I think a bigger deal that it wasn't Based on everyone holding a device and being able to see it like they had to Catch it on friday night or something. Yeah. Well, I was lucky. I was you know, uh, I think You know, I had the manager my manager the same manager. He was with the group of managers The the manager that handled the blue collar guys Right and so those at the peak of the blue collar thing like they could do nothing wrong and so comedy central was Doing our specials with them whenever, you know, larry the cable guy wanted to do a special

And so they were like, all right, you can have the blue collar guys But you have to give jim gaffigan an hour special. So I literally got it because of an add-on Because my manager. Yeah, because I had Because I you know, like and again, you know talking like greg geraldo had like numerous comedy central presents And I was like, can I do another one? They're like me, you know, we're right and so But it was at that time that comedy central was You know, now there's no televisions in dorm rooms. No, but like that was like the

When comedy central was on in every dorm room, you know, like when I was in college MTV was on and then it switched to comedy central And now people just yeah, because there's there's comment. There's stories of you can you can track What's big in the colleges, you know, I mean like that I know that um Like dain was saying that when his half hour was on repeat. Yeah 24 7 That was big and like every college kid was watching that. Yes. Yeah, and then now Now that even though they're not watching comedy central, they're streaming Like malaney

Huge college audience though. I mean my 15 year old daughter watches malaney like nightly. Wow. I'm like you're watching him again She's like, yeah, it's great All right Now so you said that so this is okay. Sorry I have a Uh So you find after trying all these things you're not the dirty guy You're not the in your face. People that are just better at it. Absolutely. I mean, oh, oh, so you were like I tried political too Yeah, so but then you you land on this thing of like so

Essentially what I did when the first time I did stand up I ended up going back to being this guy From a small town in indiana who kind of does observational self deprecating stuff Right and so yeah, and that's who you are And that that's your core like you're your guy who likes naps and snacks. Yes. That's You're being no but like underneath at all a lot of anger. Is that right? Of course. Yeah Well, yeah, so okay. Let's talk about that because I'm so fascinated by that about you So do you never I think most comedians are furious rage inside of me. Yeah, so much of it

And it's like if we didn't get that dopamine rush, we would be serial killers I would chop bodies up. I swear to god, right I would I've thought about stalking and following people home because there's so much injustice. Yeah, right And so like when rage is right below the surface, man, and it's it's being articulate being able to articulate the injustice. I think that kind of Makes us kind of Not kill people. Yeah. Oh, I think about that too that sometimes that feeling you ever get like, you know It's easy to say like it was a great show that felt good

Yeah, but sometimes you like you have a you go that was a great show and then you're like That was really a relief, right? Right, right? You actually feel like you emptied something out on certain nights I feel like yeah, it's amazing the transformative power of doing a show or coming up with it I think coming up with a line or even a joke It's like I'm good. I'm good for like Three days Yes, I also find totally when you come up with a new thing and you're like I'm on the high of this good accomplishment I'm a good person. It starts to

Stir for me when I haven't done A new thing in yeah long enough. So that makes depressing. Oh, yeah I've like I'm doing material and it's but like I feel like I something new hasn't come out of me in a while I start to feel badly. Yeah. No, it's strange It's a strange kind of uh, and that's again, I think we're spoiled and then you'll and I love acting But like when I think of like the actor's lifestyle, it's just insane or even sketch comedy I'm like so you have to like Negotiate with people on how what part you can do. Yeah, I mean that's also um

I mean, you know I feel as though like navigating the entertainment industry like I don't live in LA And and some of it is like I just know better that like being in I get caught up in the hierarchy of uh You know, it's kind of an a no-win situation. Like I think some people are more mature at Being able to see that it's stupid. But yeah, but that bothers you the hierarchy the bullshit It's it's just uh, you know, it's well, you know, I'll probably get in trouble for saying this But I think stand-up is really kind of a meritocracy. That's not to say that there isn't

Injustice and sexism and all this stuff like that. But like you either go on stage and you get laughs So you don't right right and so even even the filthy guys That would kill it's like they're doing the job. Yeah, do I mean so whereas like But the rest of like how the zeitgeist is so excited for this moment of like That's like that's something that's the worst. I think it's fascinating But I also think that that's not productive Yeah, the you mean when they they grab the industry gravitates towards a type of thing because it's right now That's the thing and let's all hey, that's amazing. You're like, okay

They present it like that, you know, it's like I remember even like growing up. I love the carol brunette show And so like even when they were like You know the success of 30 rock and they're like finally a woman with a show. I'm like my hero was carol brunette Yeah, you know, I mean like what about lucille ball? So it's like but I understand that they have to do the articles It's just like when I get caught up in some of that stuff and I'm just like You know, it's like, you know, it's not it's Stand-up is a meritocracy, but the entertainment industry is insane. It's insane. It's totally crazy making and it can make Yeah, it can make you insane before you ever think about how

Um, you know, like you're this very successful comic you're doing Acting now and I sometimes I stop I think about how in a way difficult it must be To continue stand-up for certain people in that some of the biggest stand-ups ever Uh got success in acting and they were like, I never want to see stand-up again Like, you know, I mean like jim carrey eddie murphy robin wames would dabble in and out But like as soon as like entered like hollywood was like, yeah, you can do it They were like i'm good

Like that stand-up thing can you know, and yeah, they were making a lot of money doing the acting But they could have killed it continuing to do Yeah, yeah, but they still are like but I think too because stand-up in our industry It's not seen as an end in and of itself It's never good enough like if you just say to your managers your age I just want to be a great stand-up. Well, you don't want to do movies You don't want to do the television show and the thing and the thing it's never enough. It's a strange Yeah, but it is weird. I almost feel like when

Uh, you know cosby who of course is a great hero Obviously no when cosby came back or seinfeld came back People are like, can you believe it? They're doing stand-up and i'm like, well, of course they are That's who they are. You know like jerry seinfeld is The quintessential comedy nerd like I could talk to that guy for 12 hours a day just about stand-up And it's it's one of those things like You know stand-ups. I think are are pretty uh They're you know, they're driven insightful people, but we could also we could make money

Doing something else. So it's not like we're doing this for money. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, anyway What I'm trying to say is we're great people. We're the best um, you mentioned the anger stuff and I I grew up in los angeles for the most part of my life and I didn't get to know america until I toured And I loved the midwest because people are so nice Yeah, right like even in minnesota. There's that minnesota nice thing And then what you said though, I mean, is there just a quiet rage in the midwest or was what makes you angry? What's your anger? Well, I mean, I've had different philosophies on it. I think that uh,

I think that letterman used to Encapsulate a lot of that midwestern Kind of like i'll be polite But you'll know I hate you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and he used to kind of and he got a little bit more angry at the end, but Um, I kind of like it though. I love it. I guess it feels familiar. So I like yeah It's so I think that there's something But that's even like, I mean, you know, I've uh, you know, and I No one looks more midwestern than me. I guess but like I just like I think there's this dismissiveness

of like The the rest of the country that like I still cringe at there was a time I auditioned for um A pilot that was set in green bay And I was on that 70s show and one of the writers This woman was like i'm doing the show about my family. I grew up in green bay And I want you to audition to be my dad and I was like great And so then I uh read the script and I then you I'm sure you guys have gone through the network test thing

Well, you have to go through 5 000 hopes And so I went to this network test and I was standing outside the audience and this guy went in and he um It's and I was talking to him before and you know, you're all nervous and he was like, um He's like i'm from new york city. I don't know anything about Wisconsin i'm like, oh, you know, it's just a it's just a regular person that we're playing, you know a dad And he and he went in and he did like a ridiculous like character that was

Really kind of insulting and it killed It killed in the room Of los angeles because everyone in that room Was from los angeles and they were like that's a new york city. That's a wisconsin dad And I went in and I did it kind of how I would do it and I remember in that moment. I was like, oh these people just They don't get it now, you know, it's I know that sounds kind of uh very trumpian, but it's just It's the dismissiveness of like these are intelligent people That uh, you know, I don't know. I'm just kind of like no, you're you're right. It's like, I don't know

I've had great shows In alabama. Yeah, you know, I mean I've had great shows in you know Small towns in ohio. It's like it's kind of like this uh This dismissiveness that I think is like And that's what gets you fired up. Do you think I think I think there's there's this belief particularly I grew up in indiana, which is like You know indiana when I was growing up it's changed But like you used to have to apologize to people from melanoi that you were from indiana. Yeah, so it was like, uh

So there's that kind of low self-esteem but kind of um Whereas like if you're from like the ghetto in new york, you can have pride around it. Yeah, that's true. It's like I'm from the Bronx I'm awesome Whereas like indiana, you're like sorry Oh, no, no, I think that there's a lot of that I think I do think that letterman encapsulated a lot of it too Which was he also had that thing it was like And it's pretty like juvenile way of summarizing it but like where he was I'm polite. I know how to

I'm I know how to act but like if you don't know how to act you can go fuck yourself You kind of had a big thing and I think also he was like I'm gonna make fun of you. Yeah You're gonna be in on it And it's not vicious. Right. Whereas I think that There is uh, you know, which is different from like just completely vicious. Yes, that's true Yeah, it's it's not just like Destroy at all. Right. It's not just like those people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah are the worst Yeah, I mean, yeah, but you grew up catholic

You talk about that a big catholic family and where your parents funny. Were they fun? Really? No, I mean my mom had a great laugh But like it was but I was one of six kids and so humor was An important thing, but it wasn't like we were like Praying at dinner every moment. Do you know what I mean? It wasn't that catholic It was more culturally catholic like my wife is the one that's catholic And but it's like I'm sure like Hungarians I'm culturally we're culturally catholic. Yeah, we're hung up my parents are roman catholic So are his and we got married in a catholic church, but we don't practice like it was really just for the sake of his mom

It took a while to uh, like they're they're they're devastated My parents. Oh, so your parents are pretty devout. They're pretty catholic. Yeah, they're pretty devout and they You know, they they really tried for a long time And I remember I remember the day where I was like, oh, they they gave up was when I went home to visit And it used to be like no matter what college even in my 20s If you visited and you're there on a Sunday, you're going yeah, I was like I was there on a sunday I must I don't know. Maybe I was like 30 or something and then Uh

It was the morning like I heard them like I heard them and you know in the kitchen And then they just left And then they came back but that it wasn't that they didn't wake me up Is that they didn't mention it after they didn't go like Well, you missed they didn't do anything. Oh, that's I was like that was the that was the day that It's so interesting. You know, look, I never thought that I mean by the way, there's nothing cooler than being catholic I mean, look, that's how you get friends, right? And but uh, I lived across from in New York City

I lived across from a catholic church for 10 years never went into it Yeah, and then my wife and got married in that same church. So it's like You know, I was not, you know, like I remember like being in my 20s and my dad would like say grace And I'm like, do we need to do this? So it's like I've gone from different edges of it. You know, I mean and it's In some ways, it's kind of uh, I don't know. My wife is uh, is a big influence on me and Well, she was a she's a devout catholic. She's yeah, she's the real deal. Wow She's the real deal and it's interesting. She's writing this book about Going through this having a brain tumor

And she helped me with the two books I wrote and I was like, you want me to help you? And she's like, no, it's okay She's like, I know how to write unlike you. And so um, But like it's there's There's religious stuff in it and I'm like, okay. Yeah, so it's it's weird because like it's authentic. It's authentic and it's and you know, like you get into like medical emergencies, even my friends that were like our devout atheists They're like, I'm praying for your wife and you're like, yeah, didn't you just give me shit for going to church? Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, but it's all good now. Do you feel like with five kids?

It's that you were essentially like recreating what you wrote with it's I mean it is I mean it's it floor it floors us now Yes, we're at two and we're like well done It we sometimes we joke wouldn't that be insane if we had a third kid, but but the shop is closed, bro Like five Yeah, what's the fifth one deliberate? Yeah, yeah

Yeah, no, it is and by the way, I wouldn't trade any of them in you know, I might not even like the third I might even uh, you know as much as I complain about it, but it is It's amazing, but it is So hard like the road ahead for you guys Stop stop like it's gonna be like I know you're in shape now, tom It's over. Yeah, it's over. It is brutal. It's brutal You know when you wake up and you're just like I didn't get any sleep. Yeah, it's that for most of your 40s No

Oh Fuck I was because someone told me like oh my my kid sleeps in on the weekends and I'm like, when does that happen? When do they sleep past six people are like my kid sleeps till 10? What yeah, but then they're up with the baby till 10 p.m. It's so weird also because I you know what I love about comedians Eventually having kids is We're not supposed to We're not supposed to like we were the people that were like that's the dumb idea. Yeah, and it's almost You know, it's it's just a strange thing because particularly I mean I see it on instagram

I scroll through and I'm like yep. All right. She's having a kid. You know like these women I know that are very funny that like I saw in their mid 20s going like my friends had babies and they're stupid I'm like Climb aboard the train. I went down But uh, they're cheap though, right like as they get older Oh, they're very cheap. Yeah, and they're like they have no problems and they stay the same. They don't change Like if they're really quiet, they always stay quiet. Yeah, that's great. You know, they all like, you know, they're the potty training ends at three Oh, great

A lot of cool things to look forward to so are you you're still not sleeping is what you're telling me? When I travel I sleep. That's the secret. Yeah. Well, it's I mean, I don't know. It's like You know, it's it's I mean, there's part of me. It's like people that are watching this They don't want to pounding right now. They don't want to hear this stuff. Yeah Because I remember being in my 20s and seeing Ray Romano talk about his wife and kids on stage and just going I feel sorry for that guy

And I was like, I can't get a date. What is this? So it's like there's part of me It's like I'll talk about it Some in my act, but like if you do it too much Yeah, the people in their 20s are like see you to bummer. Do you know what just hit me right now too? I just remembered this is that obviously we live in this this time now, you know, this is like the The high point of outrage culture and people get offended and and there's petitions and there's more than ever for sure and one of the things that To me best summarize the absurdity of the current times

Was when there was outrage over your horse jokes Remember on this So he Jim did I didn't know there was outrage. Oh my god. It was so great. He did a piece for I think it was a cbs CBS sunday cbs sunday where he was like he was, you know, it was the Kentucky Derby Jim gaffigan jokes about horses and the hats and just like it was really like a well constructed well executed jokes About this and the equestrian community. No And I was like, I remember reading it and I was like, is this like at first I was like, this is a sketch Like this is a parody. Yeah, and then I started to read more. I was like, this is serious

Yeah, I know there were people and they're like, how dare you cbs? Like there were there were people that Would sick people on me, you know, like there was and some of it is there their owner they in their defense they felt threatened by Me attack. By the way, you want to know another one? I did one about a beer about Uh, you know, uh boutique beer things. Yeah, where I just said they all taste bad. Yeah

Furious furious furious like paced magazine Just a whole essay on how like I'm satan really like are we like paced you think? Oh, they're normal. Yeah. Yeah. No No, an idiot. Yeah, but I mean like that to me in a in a way is really comforting Do you know what I mean? Like when you see the outrage over like jokes about horses and hats You're like, all right, like we should kind of just lean into this. It's just it's it's it's fascinating because I'm And by the way, we all have friends that are flamethrowers, right? Yeah, but you had it with like louisiana, right? Sure and more, you know Yeah, but yeah, but yes and a few topics And there's there'll be a few more coming but now I learned from that. That was actually a great learning experience

What did you learn? I learned that the outrage it's like it's like a like fireworks going off And you know, everyone goes like holy shit and you look at it And then like, you know, all of a sudden when you're watching a fireworks show, you're like, are they is it over? And you're like, yeah, it's over. It's like that. It's like a wave of you gotta you have to The the thing I learned is like you don't engage the outrage, right? It's it's it's like there's certain calluses that develop where you're like, all right. That's just a couple idiots. Yes That's just a couple idiots That uh, that's not a reflection of everyone. Yeah, I mean because I did a whole episode of a show

Uh, uh, that was about a tweet. I did my wife had gotten her nails done And she was like see and I was like, I don't care about your nails And I did a tweet about how like You know, I don't care men don't care about women's nails and the nail community came out And it was but it was like I think it was like at that time tumblr 800,000 retweets. Oh my gosh 800,000. You don't care about nails. Yeah, but it was just and I think like someone Like some professional football player even was like, I think nails are beautiful. Jim like and I was like it was

I think it was a tight end for the 49ers or a receiver for the 49ers, but I was like, this is just absurd Yeah, just the outrage the outrage over a nails I know and your act is not like you said you're not a flamethrower and for people to find problems with Jim gaffley, but there's always people that are angry and then there are people that are angry because I'm not a flamethrower They're like, yeah, he doesn't yeah, he doesn't curse. Yeah I don't like him because he doesn't curse Like really this is does it bother you that much? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, it's just it's fucking He's he's he's he's interfering with my he's censoring me by not cursing himself

He should curse more so that I'm entertained Well, when we first sat down before we started rolling Tom made a cum joke and I was like, oh you made a cum joke in front of Jim gaffley Yeah, but it's not like I'm a priest. Yeah, and he said he goes. I'm not Joel Osteen. I'm like, well, yeah, of course But it is weird because I remember like I think it was um Doug, I mean, it's weird. I've known people for like 30 years And then uh, like I'm trying to think Doug Benson. I was sorry. I was talking to Doug Benson He goes well, and he was talking about anthony jesslin next show back when he had that show and he was like

Well, you would never go on there and I go. Why wouldn't I go on there? They're like, well, it's dirty I'm like, I'm not you know, I'm not like pbs kids Do you I mean it's like this is It's weird because I think we just attach These points of view to people, right? Well, here's my problem because I am such a toilet mouth and a toilet mind And I've been told my whole career, you know, well, you know, I've been till I got more successful Like you really shouldn't curse Christina. You know, you really give me much more accessible and I'm like, yeah, but I don't know. I can try to be that person. I'm not that person. I'm a toilet mouth

By the way, I would I think that the you know, and again, I think comedians just do what they do And then they get credit or criticism for it. Like people are like David Cross is so brave. I'm like, I know David Cross That's his opinion. Yeah, that's how he is just saying what he thinks Yeah, and uh But like I think that you know, it's I think actually the fact that I'm not clean Has probably hurt my career. I think it's like people like there's never no reporter wants to write an article on a clean comedian Right. Oh, yeah, you know, he's you're not gonna believe what he didn't say It's like there's nothing sexy about it. Right, right, but you're not a big cursor in real life

Are you not a person but then the the flip side like the the advantage? I guess you would say that you get from having your act is that Like you can you know a group might buy eight tickets to the show because everybody hugely six Well, you know, it wasn't I mean I I removed the cursing Uh because jesus told me yeah, and then uh, I but I also removed it because I was doing I was doing this thing called pale force where I would be on conan Once a month back when he had the late show And I was writing material

And I realized that I had to remove these curse words to go on tv And I realized at least for me. It's like oh, that was just I just was I wasn't done writing the joke So I removed it so then I put it in there But I always think it's strange when people talk about uh That you know like but it's not as if and there is and believe me as somebody who has kids And believes in jesus. No as someone who has kids. It is nice to like Uh that my kids could watch my stuff. Yeah, they don't have to be like dad. Why'd you say that?

But something to look forward to But but there is something but it's not as if like we live in this age where There's so much Cursing That people are like I'd like to go to a theater and not hear someone cry. Do you know what I mean? It's like it's a it's a false idea that I mean there. I'm sure there are some people that are like I you know, but in the end it's just funny. Yes, it doesn't matter. You're so funny Well, that's what's so special about you because my lane of comedian is the filthy

I tell you know, I want to hear horrible stuff and for I was Was and I'm so into you and I love your humor and I love Your sexuality. No, I love how you're so funny without like I used to love when you when you did the can't can't We still say can't cunt. Oh, that's that funny. Is that your dad's dad, right? Yeah, that's right Uh christine P is that short for pollock? What is that? Sagoosha I love you when you played for the uh raven

Can't cunt can't cunt But I grew up doing that was like doing an impression of my dad was How I uh, that was how I won over my siblings Like what was like when you started doing like being funny as a kid? What did you do? Did you do imitations to your parents? Definitely. Yeah and teachers and stuff and I think I think now too I think some of the biggest reactions I get right now on stage are is like making fun of my parents. Yeah, right? So universal. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I'm doing a show in budapest. Oh, hey, so is this one When are you going? Oh the same night?

We were in vegas the same night. I didn't realize really really this weekend What time of year are you going to the summer? I'm doing the great. Well, can you tell them about me when you're there? Yeah, it seems to be a slow trickle Summer's great in budapest. You're gonna love it. Yeah, I prefer buda over pash. No, I don't know I just know there's two of them. So you've been there a bunch, right? Yes. My both my parents escaped from there in 1969 Oh my god. They're like hardcore fucking commies. Yeah. Have you been before? I've never been are you bringing the whole fam? Uh, yes, yes, you just did. I was well. I think it was instagram. You did asia, right? Yeah, that was amazing And you did shows everywhere. Oh, it's amazing. You guys gotta do it. It's amazing

I mean, I just love I just love different cultures and stuff like that. So it's like how is it now? I mean, obviously like the world has changed and like comedy is huge But is it like are you are you telling you tell the agents like set up thailand and vietnam? Let's just see what happens Yeah, more or less. I mean, it's not like a huge Uh, you know winner. Yeah, I mean like it's like 600 people in soul korea But that's still great. So I'm sure I'm losing money, but it's like, yeah, it's like it's a big game going to soul You know and then that's right off

But uh, yeah, so it's it's fascinating. Yeah, and it's also like they're the international comedy community Or english-speaking I should say they're cool group Do you know I mean they're in it for the right reason, right? Do you know I mean like they're I'm not going there crossed arms Like what's this? Well, no, but even like the comedians like even like I did a show in paris. It's like they're You know, they're they're kind of like the same comedy nerds that we are You know, I mean they're like and you know, they open and they do uh, some of them are really funny You're like, dude, you have to leave shanghai and they're like, yeah, I don't know my wife's here By the way, we're going back to so that I guess was it a bit at 07

When the um blue collar guys were huge and beyond the pay. Is that right? I think it was around 06. Yeah 06 um Did because you know so many specials come out. Were you caught off guard by The success of yours. Will you bring up beyond the pale the cover? So great. I didn't um, I was uh I again like there were all these comedy, uh There were all these comedy Half hour so like and I felt like that I was kind of blown off Yeah, so I was kind of ready for it that one of them but the success. No

Yeah, no, I didn't know that uh, because before before it blew up. Were you just doing like regular club weeks? Yeah, and like I remember I was doing uh You know, I would sell out at clubs, but my manager was like We're gonna I'm gonna I want to do some theaters and I'm like, you know, all right. I mean like I mean believe me I love the idea, but I was like Don't be you know Don't be disappointed if no one goes to a theater. Yeah, and uh, but it's it's amazing. Yeah, I mean that Theater experience is pretty amazing. It's amazing. Um, since you're you know, she pointed out you're

Jim Caffigan, who knows how you'll respond to something Dirty, I figured I would show you one of my all-time favorite. Is it the farting? No, don't do this to Jim. Yeah Why that's all right? Who is that? This is um, well, he's a really cool guy. Yeah, and I'll just let him take it from If you've had any kind of erectile Disorder problems. I'm here to tell you Forget that bag or forget about salads forget about dick and plants and all that stuff So I don't know if you believe you're not But if you like to see me smoke some math with a small limp dick that doesn't get harder the other way and watch it

You're harder and harder the more I smoke the harder my dick gets. It's unbelievable. You're gay You won't believe how good it feels if you're straight. You won't believe how good it feels Your dick head becomes so sensitive that you don't need lube. You don't need spit You just stroke that dick head this up and down four times Do it in your shoot and I mean I'm generous This information Yeah, I like the camera angle Yes spotting it. Got it. He's like, he's like, I don't want to give away where we are

Good sound, but he's good friend. I don't want to give away where where do you think he is? So does he have his own channel? I don't think so because it's like shortly after we we profiled him He took it down. So did he send this to you guys? No, no somebody found it and then he kind of like hey your mom's house I know you guys occasionally What so like someone just found it people people essentially work as associate producers, right? And they send in tons of it's too bad that he also didn't do the horizontal thing But you know, he he wore the beanie Um, and he whist he's whist how old is he by the way? He's 20

But math has had a It makes it look 63. Yeah, he's he's worn out the the cool thing is because I also thought about that you have siblings So, um, there's a boy something my brother didn't believe me But when he smoked with me he put at his dick. I can't believe how big his dick was He jacked off in four strokes and shot the most count on every shot I just say that, you know, I mean, you know, this is uh A helpful, uh, you know, he's out there helping people That's how we see it. He's like, you know, like there's this stereotype of meth heads

Not wanting to help the community, right? But but he's out there and he's helping his brother You know, I mean, it's like we have siblings you want to look out for your brother and his brother and you know His brother didn't believe me believes me now, you know, it seems like the whole family is just killing it Right. They're doing great. Everyone's doing great. Yeah brutal Yeah, it's so wait a minute. Jeff Ross got all the farting ladies and I get the meth guy who's jerking off Yeah, I remember Jeff's face the whole time is Is this okay?

Is so like this guy It looks like he's just robbed a house or something too Well, we've had theories that he's a lot of people someone said that he's probably in a halfway house right now And that's some of the hold on I just saw something brand new look to his right there There's like a leash thing hanging down there. What is that like a do rag tie? Look, what is that? Is that the cap that's got a tie and It's you know what I mean? Yeah. No, it seems like one of the shoulders is a little bit higher up That's true. There could be some type of injury there. Maybe he's in a recovery center

He's not jerking off walley Oh So is he on meth or like this is like, you know what? I'm oh here. Let's watch some more. Oh you watch more I just don't have that relationship with my brother Do you know what I mean? Like yeah, it's pretty unique. I don't like have dinner with them like once a year, but like I Wouldn't even I don't even you know, I'm embarrassed to say I don't even know what my brother's dick looks like No, I'm just kind of I guess I don't know my brother like

He knows well the thing about him too is that you know, his brother didn't just pull out his dick in front of him Yeah, but a like he couldn't believe how big his dick was and then his brother immediately Jerked off right in four strokes. It's like is this part of a larger infomercial format? We were we were wondering that And so like do you think like he's like, you know, a lot of people are dealing with erectile dysfunction. Yeah What can we do? This is my PSA Where I'm gonna just get the info out there. Yep And people are gonna be like maybe he's like, you know what that's how I'm gonna get some free meth

Maybe it could be have you ever smoked meth? I have not have you? No, that's no I don't think it had even existed. Do you ever do were you ever into drugs? I've done drugs Yeah, I've done drugs. What's your jam my jam? I don't know back in the day downers I'm gonna go downers in case my kids watch it. I've never done. I mean never done drugs. Yeah I've uh, I one time I had um I had a glass of uh, dandelion wine Oh, I'm psychotic like everyone else. Yeah, their kids your kids are so bummed out watching you right now

They're like, oh, well now as they get older, you know, it's like there's things where you're like, don't do this Don't do that. And they're like why because you did it and you're like Yeah People always want to have like this open and honest relationship. Yeah, I don't know But like my 15 year old daughter. She's going to a party. I'm like just remember Evil people are out there Do you know me? Yeah, they are. I agree. I think it's right to tell them stuff like that are horrible beasts That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I wouldn't even let a male swim instructor

Touch our three-year-old. He's taking swim lessons. Yeah, and I'm like, no, no, you send a girl Don't you send me a guy to touch my three-year-old? No way some guy or a male nanny get the fuck out of here No, you're seeing that on care.com when you're looking for a man. Never would you ever hire a male babysitter? Never look five kids retired every Your satan is fine Come on. Just don't burn the kids. Somebody's gonna watch these kids. But yeah, no, like it's It's interesting like the the helpers You'll get people that will have the most incredible resume. They're like, so you have an advanced degree in

Children services and and then they come and they're like, he's talking too loud. I have to leave Yeah, and then the person who has never like didn't graduate middle school, right? Like they're the perfect. Yeah. Yes Um, you talk so much about food. Yes How come you're not like 500 pounds? I am 500 pounds. You carry it. Well, I'm at uh, you how'd you lose all the weight? You work out. He does he starve himself now? No, no, just works out and we rained it in and I just it I just rained it in dude There was an error. I'm still a mess though. Tell him about the pecan pie era. That was the best I got there's two. There's two things I learned to cook that really fucked us up. Yeah, one was the pecan pie

We got it from Burt Christcher's wife's grandmother's recipe. Yeah, and I was like every night I was like try to try to make it better tonight, you know and just like kept working on it Like this is the perfect one and then one time I was like, I think we had seven this month You know I do gain like 22 pounds And then the other time on a birthday she got me a french cooking class like a one day kind of thing And there you know, there's like 10 things I was like the one thing that really got down was chocolate souffle I was making them at home But really trying to master them and like, you know messing with like the heat and the you know the amount of the

Chocolate and and I was just people would come over. I'll be like chocolate souffle is for everybody Making them over and over well that and then remember we got fat in Africa We're the only people that was actually I had a I had that joke for that the rest of that tour Because I would go up like first or second I'd be like i'm the only guy that's ever gotten fat in Africa because we both had to buy new pants Yeah, and then when I went to the department store in like Johannesburg They're like these are the biggest pants that africa has like africa doesn't make bigger pants And that's what I had to buy because it was like a three week tour and I gained so much weight

I couldn't wear my own pants. And so what so why did you gain weight? What were you eating? We were every day every night After after the show, you know how it is too when you come in especially on like a group tour You're a guest. Yeah, and like, you know, the people are so not and they're every night They were like feast like every night feast for you. Yeah, and I was just and I used to then too. I mean You're like, aren't you talking to me or I could just eat I could just eat But I also I think now a little bit at least I have that sense of like, you know, try to keep it like Try to cut a little under control. Well, plus there's no breakfast buffet every morning. Yes, you know at the hotel

We always talk about like when you were pregnant. We did this but Yeah, no, you gain weight when you're around a program. You've got five. Did you gain the sympathy weight every time? I love it. Well, it's also it's sympathy. We wait and then there's also Like when you're when you're breastfeeding you're starving Yeah, so you're like get me something to eat and then you're like, all right, you're gonna have that But it's I don't know. It's out of control. I I have a favorite food Oh, so many of them. I don't know a good cheeseburger is pretty From where where do you go?

You know, I like, um Shake shack in New York and I like in and out and then where I grew up. There's this place called shoops Which is just insane. I don't know what it's made with like just grease It's just unbelievable. But some of it. It's just I go through periods like I'm not even I haven't been working out. I used to like I used to try It's all I try to do is it's also like I get done with this show and I'm like, all right. Well, what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna go to a bar. So I'll just eat a yeah steak meal. Of course

Is that your jam? Yeah after the show you order a steak to the room and then oh well I like I've gotten I've gotten here's the thing about I've been uh room service is kind of like gotten a little icky for me Like I've just thought too much about how like it's down And then someone's taking an elevator up and it's like so I like to be in a restaurant Oh, okay. Yeah, but it's like problem. You know, if it's like 11 o'clock. What's open? Oh, yeah, of course And then You the and if you've waited like I don't like to eat pre-show

Yeah, that the longer you wait and then you're finally gonna eat then you're actually Hungrier. Yes, and then you just really go and then they bring a basket of bread Oh the fucking bread and it's over Did you know phyllis dillard used to travel with a suitcase that had a portable Stove top and she would bring pots and pans and she would cook in her hotel Where I'm like fresh pasta or fresh something and whoever was touring with her She would cook for everybody in the hotel room. Isn't that the coolest thing you should start that? That's amazing. You know what I heard. I heard that

Bob Hope got a massage every single day of his life. What? You can do that. I want to get a massage every and I'm like, he did seem real chill He was He got a massage every single day. Wow. That's awesome. It's nice. I take take my hat off. I want to do that Do you think bob hope and phyllis dillard hooked up? I think probably I don't know I don't know that that whole era back then Yeah, phyllis dillard was great like talk about eating some shit. She probably ate some massive amounts of shit Yeah, she was self deprecating

A woman in an era like that there must have been a lot of shit I want to ask you about this because you know, you've put out so many specials Um, you have a lot of well known and celebrated bits. How do you deal with like do the fucking thing? The hot pockets do hot pockets. I know it varies. Um It's a weird thing about the hot pocket thing is like I'm not doing it now. Yeah because I'm uh I have a special coming out. I have this amazon special coming out. Hopefully august And so the first original right? Yeah. Yeah. And so like once that special happens, there will be

The new material it's like it's all like if people come to a show It has to be new material. Yes, but then again, but to your point of like There is like the 12 year old there. That's I just want to hear the old stuff So I've done hot pockets as an encore. I've done bacon as an encore. I've done. Do you do encores? You know, it's it's some of it as my wife comes from the theater world. So the encore stuff not always But now, you know, since I have like essentially all this material From the special and I have a bunch of new stuff I can do like an hour 10 and then just get off but like

If it's if the new material is shorter Say like an hour Then I'll do an encore and come on and do something old and they love it. Yeah, they do And some of it is it change the you know, the hot pockets when I do do it is It's expanded so much from beyond the pale like beyond the pale. It was like three minutes and now it's like Eight minutes. Wow, because there's so many hot pockets that have come out You know, they they had a recall, you know, there's the hot pocket sliders. It never ends hot pocket sliders I didn't know that. Yeah, there's everything hot pocket. Even like I haven't done a joke on this even one of the

People that got caught buying their kid into school Was a hot pocket heiress. No Now you got a whole new lane. I didn't even know you could be an heiress of hot pockets, but Man There's fucking ten minutes right there Did you so when so beyond the pale comes out and did you suspect that hot pockets was the hit jam? Like did you suspect as you were doing it live like oh, this is gonna take off? It's you know, it's You know, I had this joke that

People would like when I was doing clubs before Beyond the pale. I would do this joke the manatee joke which people would be like Dude, you gotta do or like if I didn't do it people would be like I drove I drove like 30 minutes and you didn't do the manatee joke So I thought that the hot packets thing was much it was gonna be like The manatee joke. I didn't know but it it's ended up the timing of uh Me that those hot pocket jokes and the explosion of

Hot pockets being the thing that like everyone ate in every dorm room Like it was all right. It was just coincidence timing. Oh my god. That makes perfect sense And that's the the audience who's watching you on television on commie central door in college It was oh my gosh. It was the 7-eleven burrito But like and then then it was ramen noodles Yeah, right and so the hot pockets was just easy For you know, like whether you're in college or you're single. It was just easy to eat that that's so true And that's why that resonated so much with young people like oh, yeah, that's my gee. I love

And it's like it didn't really even exist before like I remember I tried it as a joke At carolines and uh vick henley What I was like and no one in new york knew what a hot pocket was I just knew it from tv and uh And he was like that's funny and i'm like but none of these people know what a hot pocket is And then I just started kind of expanding on it You know what I like is that you put the emphasis on different parts like I call it a hot pocket Say hot pocket. You say it differently. You say hot pocket. I say hot pocket. What is it?

You say hot pocket. I say that's a hot pocket and you say hot pocket. It is weird how like I mean, I've done like A lot of specials and then there's some people. Oh, it does is the hot pocket joke. I'm like, you know, there's like seven other specials Yeah, yeah, there's other jokes that crazy thing is too is like, you know When sometimes after a show and you meet people and they're like You didn't you didn't do it though. You're like Jesus man. It was a fucking 80 minute show. Yeah standing. Oh and like like that's it and they're like, yeah, but you know You didn't say bikes

You didn't do it. I guess kind of my money back. Yeah, it is weird But and the eye kind of the eye they're like, that's disappointing. You know, well, you also you also I mean, at least for me, I definitely want when I do a theater I want people walking out of that theater going That was great. And also as parents. Yeah, that was worth my time Some people only go one night off a month. Yes, you know, I mean, so it's like that's valuable time even more than the money You want them to work out being like that was so great and like the best I think the best kind of tweet or message a comic can get is like, I can't wait till you

Yes, exactly. Yeah, thank god. Yeah. So what's the grossest thing you love to eat like secret Secret thing I'll tell you mine. Yeah one thing I love doing at home Goulash goulash I cut cheese um like a block I get a block of cheddar and then I'll cut off like a like a chunk and then I'll put that on a plate I'll put it in the microwave and then I'll melt it down until like all the cheese kind of laces And I let it harden just a little and then I'll just eat it right off the plate Jesus sometimes with a cracker too, but that's sometimes but how is that gross? You're like, I like my cheese melts You're like, I do this crazy thing

I'll take my ham and I'll put it on a piece of bread It's like but uh But I think my my gross thing is just the volume Yeah, the volume like we're like like I love cheese so much and you know And so then we switch to triskets and hummus You know and like but like I'll like there are times like we're my desk area My wife will be like what that because they'll be like different trisket boxes It's just like well, this one was half empty and then I was really hungry that I'm starting on a third one

It's just in volume. Yeah, you think I was murdered by And do you get original low sodium? Well, she my my wife wants the low sodium. Yeah, which I don't know Do you do you let it do it fly off the rails food wise for you on the road too? It can yeah, it can yeah that can happen to me. Yeah, you know, it's just well I also did this book called this is dad is fat Well, I did dad is fat and then I did food a love story where I was like essentially traveling and you're like Kansas City, you gotta get barbecue in Kansas City And so then I was like, all right, I'll do this book about all the food I eat in these cities

But the problem is is then you establish a habit. Yes, you're like, all right. I'm in Ottawa I have to try their poutine and compared to Montreal's between you're like the book was published two years ago Why am I still eating all this horrible shit? Because there's just you know, you're in Salt Lake City. You're like, I should try their fry sauce and this fry sauce Yeah, and and then it's just and then people just send stuff to you. Yeah, right now I just have I have overwhelming feelings of darkness right now Just thinking about what it's like to I can because I'll try to keep it like, you know Keep the on the fucking tracks and then sometimes like Jesus Christ like who I am is just a 400 pound man. Yeah

Absolutely. Yeah, and then just The gifts are it would be the equivalent of giving like mitch headberg heroin. Yeah, you're I mean It's just like why would I need? Two boxes of donuts. Sure. I mean, I know it's your donut shop, but I'm by myself Me too, that's the the greatest You know Temptation is is sugar like I try to I try to stay away from those things as much Because I feel like it's just it's just a recipe for disaster. I'm much I'm much more of a savory guy

Yeah, that's my I'm a cheese and cheese and processed cheese are my jams. Oh my gosh cheese Let's talk about this for a second though before what's your favorite cheese is is that you are now not just Jim gaffigan Superstar comedian, but you're a goddamn leading man now. I mean you're you're well not really but come on Two at least two There's what are there really seven? Is I read that right? You know, yeah, but that's just like timing

You know Because you know you do a movie and then you're like what happened to that and they're like, oh, it's coming out in two years Yeah, all right so like that was just kind of the the coincidence of timing but Yeah, no, it is amazing and I've always loved acting and I've always Been auditioning and trying to get roles and it's like I just couldn't get arrested until I got this fat You know, I mean what tell me about being frank Being frank. I play a guy who has

two families Two separate families and they don't know about each other. Oh my god. We talk about that a lot. It's and uh It's weird because you know like supposedly charles carol had that Yes, that's right and um But it was it's a fun movie. I mean it's I don't know. It's just like there's some challenging You want to make the guy likeable, you know, I mean you're playing this guy who did this really selfish thing this craziest Flashback memory. I just had now. I was on the road somewhere

one of the guys opening Who was lives in the town that I was working in told me Something about his parents his dad. He was like, oh, I could tell he there was something there and I was like, yeah What's what's the deal? He's like Cause I I said like how many siblings you have and he was like, well Uh, and I go, what is it? He's like, well, I have Nine siblings from my my dad and my mom

But it turns out my dad Was having had a second family. Wow. And uh, so He had 11 with the other I was like, what? And he goes Wait a minute. He had nine and 11 I go, wait a minute. He goes. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's like, yeah, like, you know, 22 and I go Dude, like this is I go, this is

I mean, you know, I was trying not to or 20 celebrate. I'm sorry I got I go, I'm trying to like, you know make light of it, but I'm like, well, how did this happen? And he goes, uh, and I go where oh where was the other family the same town just like, uh six seven miles away And I go, well, how did how did he pull this off? You know, like how how was it able to do it? Because well, you know, like when my dad would get like upset, you know, like in on a

Wednesday or something and he would just he would just kind of storm out of the house And he would come back like three days later And and and we never it was a kind of house where like they didn't question him. Wow. And uh, that he would be staying at the other house and He was having kids at the same time Wow, you know, and then I go, how did how did you how did you find out? How did he forward it? I have no idea

That's not the important. No, I hear you. I thought that too 20 here. Wait. Here's how he found out because I remember this so vividly. He found out because his brother one day was out and he was he was picked up a girl and he went to her place

And they're just getting into the apartment And they're you know Having drinks and as he's walked she walks to the kitchen He's walking through her place And he sees a picture on the wall of the girl and he goes Why do you have this picture with this guy and she goes that's my dad

And he goes that's my dad And so he had gone home with his half sister. Yeah, that's and Then you got to see this movie too Because it's yeah, no because this was set in the 90s because also in the internet age 9 and 11 is 20 though, right? Yeah, yeah Did I I don't know you got it right carry the one. Um, but uh So yeah, no, it's insane

It's insane, but I think it used to Happen more often. It must have right I think so why why would anybody start to separate? I understand having a mistress, but why the need for two separate families? It probably always almost starts with the fact that there's an accidental pregnancy, right? That that's probably like 90 of the reason why it happens. I guess. Yeah, and you just keep it going. Yeah By the way in this movie I play a guy who has two families with two kids

In each family and I have in real life. I have more kids than Which is insane, but like I can't imagine. So does this does this movie go down like a pretty serious path then? No, no, this is It's this is that's a comedy. It's definitely a comedy, but later this year American dreamer. Oh that was that's a fun one like talking to two comedians It's like I want you guys to see that movie because I think they sent you a link, right? Yes I want you to watch that movie just because it's like I play this guy who's a rideshare driver And just think of like the amount of shit they have to consume

And so it's about that, but I won't tell you anymore, but it's it's it's pretty dark And it's also just um, but that was a fun one. That's but you know, it's like, I don't know You know, it's like that was an indie that Uh, I shot in virginia and it was an amazing Time and there's a I end up driving around this drug dealer and He uh, the guy who played it is like So intimidating and he was in character the entire time and then we wrapped and he's like, hey, how you doing? I'm like, what? And so like he was a total thug for like the three weeks we were shooting and so that even like when you

I always wondered about this so they're like cut and and you guys are like there's someone's like you want something to drink He would stay he would stay in that mode and that didn't ever annoy you I mean, do you know I didn't know him before so you thought he was I thought he was a guy who uh was you know Being authentic and which he plays which but he was like rude He was I mean, he wasn't rude to people but people were like Stay away from that guy and he plays the main he plays

He plays uh, this drug dealer. Okay, and then off and then after you wrapped. He's like, hi Yeah, and then we were hanging out. He's like, I was so much fun, right? I'm like, really? Really sweet guy. That's amazing. Yeah um All right, jean Do you ever take uber by any chance? Yeah, do you know your uber profile score? No, I don't oh, can you pull it up? I always I always give a four. Do you well? Here's the thing You give well, he's

You give them a score. They give you a score. Did you know that? I mean, I watch black mirror too, but I don't know if that's necessary to even know Well, tom and I I Tom and I compared because I'm the personality jamp. We compared our scores might wear Well, you're an attractive woman. Yeah, but I'm also nice and it's also an attractive man. It's not that much. It's not that much Yes, it is uber rewards Well, look at your look under your name sponsors if you go

If you go to your you go to your profile, I think upper left, right? Uh, 4.37 Deplorable the lowest that's the lowest we've heard yet really Because you don't curse man. You got to curse more What 4.37 that's very low out of five. Yeah. Well, she's very low. Yeah, she's 485. I'm 4.85 477 Josh is 4.91 or 9 to he takes it like every day alley in the lobby is a 5.0 Yeah, she gets free rides and shit. Yeah, but she's really cute. You get free rides. Yeah She gets all types of freebies just from being like a five

Yeah, your score is the lowest of all of us jim. Oh, I'm surprised I live in new york city Oh, yeah, by the way out here uber is like it's so cheap. It's like you all right a 30 minute ride five cents Whereas in new york half a block 13 dollars. Yeah, right What I don't mean to you know shame you but because you never know what the drivers think you're a bad person But um, by the way, I'm also taking ubers With five children. Oh forget it How old is the youngest six? So I'm taking ubers like from

birthday parties with bags and So, yeah That's why I'm embarrassed. No, I'm embarrassed about my uber. What's the oh by the way before I forget What's the new special the amazon one called quality time? I think it's I think I message you but I think it's cool that uh, someone we needed like a heavy weight to Like broaden the you know the universe of specials. Yeah, you went there Russell Peters

Is doing his next one is coming out there? And I know there's another one in the pipeline But I think it's gonna keep growing and then I've never understood why apple doesn't produce them I know like just when you open the home page. Why wouldn't they just have you know, I mean they make content like Uh, youtube doesn't really they make sense that they should just have them produce self-produced. I think that uh Yeah, I mean I I find it fascinating and then there's disney. Yeah, and then supposedly warner. Yeah, he's gonna do it but um I don't know it's so much

Cheaper than doing a tv show. Yeah, of course easier. So shoot it over. What do they think? Lesson has been on an episode they can produce. Yes. Yeah, like people are like, oh, they paid chris rocks so much I'm like that's like one episode of stranger things. Yeah, right, right? So, um, I don't know. I don't know. It'll be interesting. It is uh You know, it's it's fascinating because like you do things and then you're like In six months, it's gonna be a different landscape. Yeah So like, you know, I was thrilled when I got the offer from amazon and You know, I just you know, I mean I order things from amazon once a day

Yeah, so I would think That would be great But also I think that The disney thing I think that's going to be pretty interesting. Very interesting Um, what do you know when it comes out? Do you have the I don't they don't have the exact day? Yeah Um, well, look, um, you're always on tour. So make sure you go see jim live, but Being frank opens father's day weekend american dreamer

opens September 20th. Yes. Do you have some mail stream? No, I'm just so excited you came. It's been a long time. Am I a mommy now? Yeah, you have to have a t-shirt. What's your, uh, shirt? Oh, yeah, my shirt size is extra small Yeah, we got extra smalls. We got extra smalls two berk kreischer Yes, oh he's so fat. We'll be giving you your invitation only shirt on the way out in the lobby. Well, thank you for earned it Thanks. Thank you very much for coming. Appreciate it Your mom's house will be right back. Our next guest has the great privilege Of playing high school football with me, but he's not a former nfl star

He is also a comedian. He is on air regularly with a good friend of ours nicky glazer With you up. It is the great andrew collin. Yes. No s. Thanks for having me. Yes. Thanks for doing high school football, baby Yeah, I uh when he thavens was on I was so excited. Wasn't it awesome? Oh my god. I was so excited What did you play? What position? I wasn't good, but I played a receiver in cornerback I was I was small. I was very small. Do you remember how small I was? I was like I think I had a sophomore It's like 115 pounds. That's small. Yes tiny small tiny and then uh Hip puberty late, you know puberty is important. They look at full grown men now. Yeah now I do. Yeah. Yeah

Why did that it's a little late? Yeah, that kind of screws everything up though, or why does it happen just low? testosterone or something right because my parents divorce No, I don't know. Yeah, emotional. Yeah, I think it was. Yeah, just crying watching boy meets world. Probably that's what it was It's crazy. You were like a man like you had hair. You had hair You had like the body of like a 50 year old. I did that's true Like and a baby face. I remember I went to one of those You know like in I don't know if you guys this in high school, but sometimes like different years They would have like a class trip and like sometimes on one of them parents came along on something

I don't know. It's one of those like weird overnight things and I remember I was like, uh, I think a junior And someone's dad came up to me. He goes do you shave every day? and I was like, uh Kind I think so I go like yeah, pretty much maybe five days a week. He's like He's like, yeah, you're probably done growing. I was like what? Did you have visions of like being able to play d1 because you're a big guy for sure? So, yeah, but then you talked out. You're what six feet six one. Yes And how much did you weigh senior year 245?

But what happened was I I went on a trip. I don't know if you came on that trip or not to miami I did or we stood on the field. Yeah, and they played syracuse. Mm-hmm. And um The orange ball. Yeah, yeah at the orange ball and I remember the I've said it before but I remember The miami players came out of the tunnel, which was nuts But then we were standing next to them And like all the guys that played the position that I played like warrants. I was eye level with their numbers So I was looking at like seven one

And like so I had to I was like I could never play with these guys like these guys would kill me How big were their dicks that you couldn't see but I remember I saw I remember rohan marley Bob marley's great rohan marley played at miami. Oh big black dicks, but but This kid was like five eight five nine And like 190 pounds number two. I remember and he was wearing a see-through. He was not playing like that He was wearing a see-through mesh shirt and then um like a bike lock around his neck I was like, oh, fuck like that's the guy would also destroy me I was like the the confidence you have to have to be like I'm gonna put a bike lock around my neck

I was like, yeah, these guys are probably pretty serious and that was it that day. I was like, I'm not playing fucking college football No, it is interesting when you think back you're like, how good was I you know like and then you're like, oh I kind of saw but then you think about like someone like edelman or something was really small Yeah, you know and well you see like heath and it stands out to you because you go like that's the guy you played against Yeah, but but someone like edelman or something or like jj They like went to you know Smaller schools or whatever and then like somehow Worked out hard enough to like like how do you have that drive to think you can get

To them like if you put on 30 pounds and you really worked hard Could you have actually played do you want don't you do the thing like I have fantasies sometimes about that you go like What if I had the mindset of the guy that in high school got up at six to you know run Yeah, how far could you have gone? No, but the fantasy is fun Right to go like how far could I have if you really loved football if you loved it And then you and you'll lean into the fantasy and been like Dude, I could have fucking done it and then all of a sudden You have clarity and you go oh, but I fucking

I loved not doing that like I loved Sleeping in and going to part like so, you know the fantasy you becomes clearly a fantasy you go like Oh, there's a reason like that never would have been me ever Well that and maybe like like what stand-up you actually do have to have a lot of discipline to stick to this for so many years and All through the um adversity and you have you can't get I mean some people get hammered every night You're sitting here because like he's somebody who's an example of that I know like a lot of young comics, you know listen to these comedy podcasts, too I remember running into him in florida. I think I was doing palm beach or land on bro

Was it Orlando? I think so and I ran in I go they go oh andrew's doing stand-up I was like what and this was I was I mean, how long ago was that I started at 30 and I'm 39 That's the thing So I was already like that's the thing. I was like you just started doing stand-up like you're fucking crazy crazy at 30s late Yeah, because I'm like at that point almost, you know 10 years in I was like, what are you doing? Yeah, and then weren't you going on stage with like chubaca or something? That's how I started. Yeah Yeah Well, I did we have a mutual whatever a kid that went to say that whatever anyway, so he got a divorce and his

Friends bought him a comedy class to like make fun of his ex-wife She loved it and uh, well, yeah, it's real nice And so then he was like your funniest person Let me get you a class at the improv A comedy class and that's how I started and then I like Zach Alfonac is and I was like he plays piano I want a guitar We all emulate somebody. Yeah fight like well known when you start everybody does and then he uh, I was like, I'm not that good at guitar

But my buddy crapo or he goes by crapo his name is christian He was good at guitar and he would often wear a wookie outfit out and about and not telling anyone He was really out there. Yeah, he'd also wear a werewolf I went with the wookie just felt more comfortable and that was your that was the act right that was the act So I was like, yo, can you play while wearing the wood? He's like, yeah, I'll just cut the gloves Like you didn't even think about it. And then I would do one liners. Wow the wookie We talked didn't we talk about it? Yeah, I think you told me to not do that You're like be more yourself and I was like, no, dude, where my grandpa's clothes

With a mustache is the way to go. But can I tell you having learned a feature in florida? I spent a lot of time doing every club I feel like that act probably was a hit for you and I want to say that people Do it like the hibachi grills I performed at the seafood restaurants big hit that would be a big It was a huge hit in florida and like I remember, uh, rene who was Yes, I remember her out of palm beach improv. Yes, you go straight to feature and With this act you can't post I told you the wookie But the problem was is like I'd have to go to open mics and the wookie would have to wear

You know the costume in florida in summer and he's like sweating balls. This is even about this is in his dream Yeah, you know He did at first but then eventually when you're just performing for like three comics and a fish tank You're like, all right. Maybe this isn't what I want. Then he got a girlfriend And then she like yoko onoed the band. So is that how it ended? Or was it you saying I don't want to do this anymore It ended where he kind of was like falling out and then I was like, yo, I got to do my own thing and then I started doing the one-liners without the wookie

With no guitar and I was eating a dick like I was bombing so hard and uh, Then he gave away the wookie costume For someone to borrow for comic con and then the guy moved And just like changed his whole life to keep the costume. I don't know it sounds crazy And then I was like, okay. Well now we definitely can't keep so how long did you keep doing one-liners? For another like month and it was just eating and then I finally like started like doing stories and like yeah Other shit and then I did like some comedy club I got like third in florida and then I was like I called you and I was like should I go to chicago or new york and you were like

You should quit no You go uh, you go go to new york and uh, I went to new york at like 30 Yeah, but I failed at everything before but it's great though. Like you and then you were you would I mean How long have you not been having any other job right now? Just like just four months now. Wasn't that wild? Yeah, yeah, I was walking dog for six years in new york, so you just got your break Yeah, nicky like changed my life. She's the best. Isn't nicky glazer the best human being so funny and so sweet and The best she's treated me extremely well. She uh It's crazy like five years ago. I was walking a dog with wheels like on wheels

What are like a robot dog like half dog half machine like whatever and and it was an 80 pound dog And every day I'd have to put its legs and like a wolf dog and he didn't like whatever so like I hated it You know, but it was good for the dog whatever She takes a picture of me and puts it on instagram Wait, but didn't know I was a comic nicky. This is how this started how it started five years ago She just takes a picture. She's like look at this fucking owner won't kill this dog or whatever whatever I don't know what she said, but but she just put it on and then my buddies that were comics were like, yo That's a comic and then they tagged me

And so then she started following me that day out of like pity probably and then five years later Like she's like, you know, I'm sure and I dance with dogs on this whatever I'm just stupid on instagram and she ended up moving back to new york to do a radio show And then she just wrote me. She's like, I know you're probably not walking dogs anymore I was like no more than ever. I'm like 90 10 dog the comic at this point. Like I was only walking dogs I was like ready to not quit but yeah and uh She's like, hey, you want to walk my dogs and I went over there at first day

I meet her I tell her kind of you know, my life story almost that's what I do when I get nervous Yeah, tell you everything. Yeah, I'm like, yeah I got an AIDS test when I was a virgin because I fingered a girl on a bite my nails, you know And she's just like, okay. Oh, yeah, you should uh be friend. You like whatever So like I tell her everything and then she's like you want to open for me a carolines Host and I was like first day. I mean like with that's the kind of person like she'll give you an opportunity I start walking her dogs the next day We become friends because I walk her dogs like twice a day

And then she has me on a radio show When it wasn't on air and that went well and then I did carolines and it went really well And like from there just because I was walking the dog five I mean part of my ego too was like, should I should I take this job? I want her to respect me as a comedian. You know, yeah So I don't want her to look at me as just picking up dog shit Right, but then god I was like no, I should just go with that instinct and yeah I worked out and then she's like she gave me a ton of dates and I was like, oh, yeah

I've seen you guys on the road together a bunch, right? I see social media posts about it. It's been unbelievable Yeah, and now you're about to open for a taping. Yeah. Yeah, it's been good, man She's been good to me. I mean good. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure she'll throw me to the rivers No, yeah, I'll be bad. I mean she gets worn out. Yeah, I mean well you told me something alarming in the lobby We were going over our uber ratings and I'm uh, 4.85. Yeah Go ahead Tom. What's yours? I'm four seven eight. Yeah Yeah, I'm five four and I'm above five No

No, I'm a four six six. Yeah, it's not good. That's good. That's the That's the lowest I'm gonna write down. I freaking you know, do you disrespect them? I uh, yeah, I spit on them. I often spit and piss in the uber That's like in the gas tank. Yeah. Yeah while it's driving somehow I pissed through the window and it goes back and what does your family think of what you've done Stand-up lies or like in my life and like my absurd Um, I think my brother's so successful my older brother that they don't give a shit what I do What does he do that? He's so successful. It's a comic. No, no

That'd be horrible. We see gay. Yeah. No, he uh, he he like runs a private equity fund So he's like nerd smart wall street. Yeah, like east coast wealthy guy. Yes, and has like three sons So the name's going on Yeah, so I have no pressure anymore. Oh, that's kind of nice. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, I could be as you know But they got to be happy that what you mean finally. Yeah, I think once you know, nicky They saw you going full-time. They're like, I think when I'm picking up dog shit With like my dad paying 200 grand over now. Why did you wait for school? You know, he's like, I don't know Why did you wait till 30 to try it?

um I made a lot of money in my 20s in real estate. So what were you doing? I just I went during the boom like in florida I like I got my I moved to la right after college And then I had like a mild like cocaine overdose and then I was like, I'll go back to florida Dude, that's usually not the place to go after cocaine problems back to florida. Yeah, I'm gonna go relax in florida. No, I

I mean my story is pretty like I don't even know where you want me to start But like I I went to la Failed miserably. I was like, I'm gonna be a producer like I thought I like really had producers for dummies And I was like I drove from florida la and I worked as a pa for one weekend And then they're like, no, you got to get more job. I thought I had a job like a flaw and they're like, no You got to get I was like, oh, I'm done being a producer. Well for people who don't know what that means I wore a suit the first day for pa. Oh my god. So okay. I was a pa. Yeah. Yeah. I wore a suit and they're like you're moving boxes I was like, oh my god fucking sweating balls in this suit and they're like, yeah

Joe macael commercial. Oh, so for people who don't know what a pa is it's a stands for production assistant And how that works is you you hop from job to job to job in art in that industry like you hop on a tv show Maybe it one season and then you're out of a job Yeah, usually pa like the standard pretty much the lowest like a hundred a day. Yeah, I'll be like go pick up coffee Cigarette butts. Yeah. Yeah, I've done that before it's I mean, I've done a few pa I thought I was gonna like a megaphone and be yelling the first day, you know, no, it was shit Like I didn't have a yeah, and I'm very lazy like yeah, and I was like I'm not going to get another job and And then I moved back to and then I went to norlands and I had a little fun with coke

Yeah, and uh with a stripper I ended up doing like cocaine in the morning with a stripper And we weren't even trying to hook up. We were just talking about life Like overlooking lake poncho train and then I did some gravity bong hits to relax And then I went numb and then I couldn't move and I was like, I think I'm having a heart attack And my buddy's like stop me a little bitch. Hey, you went to the hospital. Yeah, he drove me. He didn't even get out He just like Yeah, good friend and then I went in I was like, I think I'm having a heart attack And then they put me in the heart ward for like three days. I had a heart murmur or whatever

Oh, what did it feel like that you were I just was numb like oh, which is happening and you're like 22 23 Yeah, and like the best shape of them. I'm like, yeah, but so Yeah, three days in the hard words $7,000 Do your parents know what's going on at the time or no, I called my dad and I was like I got out and I was like I was like, oh man. I drank a little too much. I don't know. Yeah, of course Yeah, we never even talked about it. Yeah, what? Yeah Never And then I went back to Florida. It sounds like a good relationship with your parents

Why were you doing drugs? I can't imagine why Yeah, I sounds good. You know, I never bought coke. I've only done coke like five times. It's just yeah Um, but then I moved back to florida and I got in the real estate after that So what does that does that mean for you like a salesperson or like flipping houses? I was doing sales sales So you got my real estate license. Okay, and then I was Trying to sell houses and I didn't know shit about how I was 23 like Oh, that's the roof. Like I didn't I didn't learn anything. You know, that's a foyer or whatever. So how'd you do well at it? I

That's how good the market was a fucking idiot like me can make money Really, you know, like, you know the big short with the two guys in Miami or just yeah So I ended up teaming up with my buddy rusty who was just as dumb as I was and then we ended up rusty He's a dumb guy named. It's so dumb and he's the third rusty the third. Oh my god. Yeah, they didn't learn What is that short for isn't that a nickname for something dickhead? I think no Russell Russell Oh, yeah, Russell's cool. But rusty is just yeah, I kind of like rusty dusty I'm just kind of has like rusty sounds like though. I'm not writing you a check for anything Yeah, I know you're rusty rusty like that's where the leak is

You know the shit like that, but I'm not gonna be like, yeah, I'll sign a document. Here's the drywall. Yeah And that's my business drywall. Yeah, this is a under rusty and we ended up selling 60 acres for like eight million dollars Oh my god over like I went from having like a hundred bucks living on my mom's to like 280,000 Oh my god, you're like 20 24 25. Wow That's crazy. It was nuts. So then you're like you must be like I'm set, right? I mean, dude, I was living like Like, you know, like in broke, you know, like I would wear a bike lock essentially on my yeah Like I was I went and bought a Tacoma put some fucking 20s on there. You're loving it It's like 45,000. I was like, whatever motherfucker. And then I traded in for Mercedes with jaguar

Like the direct sales. Do you keep? Um Like working hard after that big. No, no, no, I wasn't working hard before that But I mean I got lucky man. I just are you just like done after that deal? No, so we actually We actually had other deals in the works to like later I was gonna make another million dollars like and then the market crash and I spent all my money Oh my god, I spent it all on a year. I bought a apartment for 210 and then it was worth 60 a year later So where was the oh my god?

So like I then I bought a car got repoed from my dad's and like I next thing I know Oh, they I was living our land and this guy would show up. I stopped paying my payments and he's like He would like knock and he was like serving me papers and I would hide every morning I'd like set my alarm to hide from the guy in the in the bathroom And I would hide and then I would turn the shower on but I wouldn't even go in but I thought I'd have an alibi I was crazy. I like whatever The guy's like

Going from the window like yo, I see you going into the bathroom every morning Like he's like I was like, ah, you got me like and then like whatever So now wait, is that like how can I ask you just one second because whenever I'm all over let's say I forget to pay my my visa gap bill And you know when they start calling you incessantly when you miss like one credit card payment The anxiety that that generates for me is Overwhelming like I can't handle that which is why I paid and I have an excellent credit score Mine's terrible. I think I see it. How do you it's under a hundred? I believe brah

I don't know. It's like 6 30 or something. That's terrible. How do you but how do you? How do you how do I live? Yeah, like so how do you deal with this anxiety? No, no, no I'm asking you how I don't deal with it. Well, it was bad. I had bad panic attacks and I like I put it I didn't talk about it. I just like so I ended up dealing with it through Having horrible panic attacks and like ending up driving myself to be er again and like having a ton of anxiety and yeah It's got like it went somewhere Right like I was really depressed like after I lost all that money I would just like sit in the dark watching youtube videos for like a year. You know what I mean?

Yes, like just we've all been having no Out you know and like because I made money. So when you make money like that overnight you're like, oh, that's how you make money Right, like you buy gold chains and yeah, I bring in ease and stuff But he has another show next week. You know what I mean? Yeah, he could buy three gold chains Shit, I could buy a whole fucking and gold's only going up room full of gold man. Yeah Sorry, so are we gonna ask him? I I'm just yeah I'm just always I'm always amazed at people that are like well repo guys knocking again big deal And like to me that's a very big deal

That's what I showed but I'm sure but inside it was like internalized and yeah and yeah ate me up So but all right at this point though like that crash happens. Aren't you're still like what 25 or something? Yeah, and I'm partying like you are partying. Oh dude. I had some great fucking party tales Florida I was in south beach. What are you doing though? I'm saying employment wise after This like what do you do next after the market? Oh, so um I ended up moving to Orlando

And still working in real estate like still trying to do real estate and then but in this horrible market. Yeah Okay, and And still trying to put deals together still had some deals lined up and then just slowly like the market just got worse and worse and then Everything dried up and then I was like, oh, I'll be a screenwriter now Like that's where my brain went. I was like, oh finally be a creative now Now that I'm 40 grand or 70 grand in debt to the irs like, you know, you know, whatever People listen to us. Yeah. Yeah, shit. Um

Can we cut out the s maybe to say ir? Yeah. Yeah, that's er. You're the er. Yeah the erp Yeah, yeah the erp is all it's well any this is how I go down. It'd be great What what I have to ask because I What what was your childhood like the where do you want to start this much chaos and you're like I'm trying to not do there's divorce like simple like divorce dad cheated on mom married We cheated with got you stuff like that a lot of fighting. What's that? What's mom number two look like? It's pretty hot pretty nice tips. Yeah Oh, yeah

I'm cute enough to be a second one. Oh, well, maybe third but actually third's even hotter now. I know. Thank you I appreciate that. Wow. I didn't really Ruin a family, but are they I don't want to know Are they still together? Yes. Second wife is together the Dalmatian wife and you how much do you hate her? She hated you guys resented. Yeah, all that stuff. Okay. She had three kids Ah, shit new ones with dad area at the doctor's office all that fun So you got all the any mental illness alcoholism drug addiction all of it. Yeah. Yeah. So you gotta drink anymore. Yeah Yeah, I was but mom and dad were drinking

Moms and alcoholic cool. Okay. So all your cards were stacked. Yeah the right way. Yeah for me Yeah, I was ready to see your mate. God was making a stand of comedian pretty much. Yeah, I would hope so. Okay Yeah, no, but that's right now. Thank god. That's pretty. Yeah, I think how old were you when your parents split 13? Which is like the age right bad And I didn't deal with it like I I haven't I didn't I didn't get therapy. I didn't get therapy until last year You know what for you better late than never bro. I'm on like Zoloft and shit and what's your relationship like with each of the adults like with your dad

Way back like good and his how about his wife? Do you solid now? It's so weird They like finally forget like my parents. They were like the parents. I like Fuck that. He like she don't pay, you know, what all that like talking shit to you about your dad doesn't pay child support Yeah, I heard all that your father doesn't pay me call him Call him get the child support this month like oh my god, nine years old. Hey dad I like that your mom is a triumph dog. Oh, is that right? Yeah, it totally sounds like that So I yeah, I don't know my uh, yeah, they would just screen they would do the stereotypical shit of blaming each other and that went on and their ego just wanted let

You know and my mom was you know drunk and my dad was working so much So like whatever I don't know and then uh, now she's good with you guys are good. Yeah, she's been sober now for eight years Wow, wow, and has she made have you guys made amends or whatever? Have you told him? She's doing coke now. So it's like it's bad. She's in deep, you know, but she doesn't fun No, she's uh, no, yeah, so they ended up like so my mom got sick This is like turning sad. This should be like but Don't worry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We'll go back to the south. Yeah. Yeah. No, it could be sad It's fine. My mom is sick and so then my dad also got sick

He was a cancer doctor. He got cancer right after retiring from from cancer from being a doctor. Oh my god, breast cancer So then they had to cut his titty off, which is I think medically speaking. That's yeah And he was cool with it because his golf swing got better. He said Bring the club back. Yeah, it's pretty dope. And uh, then my mom has COPD. She's on like oxygen So like it took like all these illnesses for them to be like, maybe we haven't been Being that nice to each other and it's fucking our kids up and we don't want and we have grandkids now So like the whole thing was like we don't want the grandkids to experience What we went through

But that being said I'm talking a lot of shit, but they were like good in a way too, you know what I mean Yeah, but uh, yeah, so the south beach 25 This is like a one-man show. Yeah. Yeah. Now we're coming back. I I party so I I party with lil john That's pretty dope. Really? That's the okay that guy. Yeah What what's the scenario like what's the setup for why you're partying with him? I was in south beach and I my buddy like banged this girl the night before and then I was in home with her the next night I was like, yeah, definitely gonna get laid too. It's pretty cool because my buddy's uglier to me and uh, and uh

So then she's on the phone and my buddy's name was john and she's like john I can't come meet you and uh, I was like you're talking to john like my buddy john She's like, no, it's lil john and this is like when he's like I'm 25. Yeah, this is huge. Yeah And uh, she's like, do you want to go hang out with him? I'm like, yeah Like I was like that dickhead, you know, okay. Like shit like that. She's like 40 miles It's 40 minutes north in north miami like in the hood. Yeah, and you know, I'm wearing like a yellow lakas shirt You know with the color popped, you know, I'm such a dick It's such a breeding ground south beach for douchebags like every douchebag that I didn't like

Pretty much ended up in south. I was like, I was perfect for him dude south beach Yeah, and we go there. I pass out in the cab. I remember and then she woke me up to go into the strip club And I walk in and there's little john And all the east side boys. Do you remember them? They were like, no, not by name, but there's day Yeah Well, you'll remember the gasoline dude Remember he just he would drink out of a gasoline like that was his thing like a gasoline man. Yeah When do you think that starts by the way? Yeah, when do you think a young age you're like probably the day you put a bike lock around your neck?

Yeah, like at like 15 you're like, yo that gas thing you should keep that going. I mean, that's a hard move That's a that's a hard move. Well, it's definitely your signature thing. Yeah, I'm gonna start drinking. No one's doing that Well, it's also very original nobody else is doing that So I kind of get the appeal like dude. This is my shit like I drink out of a gasoline Wait, let's talk about this douchebags now Oh, sorry. Sorry. I'm so excited to talk about douchebags. So you get to the strip club Okay, so I get to the strip club and uh, they're all sitting there. It looks like the last supper they're all facing there's like 12 of them and uh, little john is right in the middle. He looks like jesus and uh

And the girl goes sits down. There's not a chair for me So I just like stand up in front of them like shark tank like they're all like looking at me like Like what are you gonna do? Like I'm the only white guy for my you know, I mean like I'm in my lacostrian. Oh my god, but I'm fucked up So it's like I'm not really understanding like the levity here and and little john doesn't say a word He just points like this like like longhorns it and I look down and there's two cups of alcohol I'm like I didn't know what was in it

They weren't shots. They were like cups and I just fucking drilled them both It was tequila and I slam them on the table and I was like, yeah to the window to the wow You know like shit like that and he just smiles He loved it and then he moved over to gas dude and now I'm the new gasoline man, you know, like I'm a little jew head He's like sit next to me. Oh my god And now I'm sitting next to him and then he goes to his boys like give him a champagne You know and then he goes gives me like a big-ass bottle of like Cristal or whatever. Yeah, I never drank champagne like at that point really

And they give me a fluke last I was like, no need to fucking fluke and I take the champagne and I start Chugging the champagne. I take it off and it shoots all over me. Like I'm just Like fucked up just like and he's like, who is this like who the fuck comes in like this So then they go and leave like they go to get lab dances or sign autographs It's like 435 in the morning and then now I'm alone with the crunk cup and I don't know Do you know what the yeah, I remember. Yeah, it's like 280,000 Like just sitting there on the table. I was like, I should steal Oh god, no, right, but that's what you would think like when you're fucked up

You're like, this would be great. This should be mine. Yeah, I could sell this on you know ebay or something get back at my real estate That's all I need. I need one hit one boost sell it for like 30 bucks to just So wait, do you try to steal it? So right before I dumb enough to steal it and then get being up by the east side boys I start feeling sick from the shots. Oh really from the two cups of tequila And the drinks and I was drinking all So I I'm like, I'm gonna throw up I'm gonna throw up on the crunk cup and I was like, I can't throw up on the crunk cup I gotta get out of here. So I stumble out

Into north miami, which is not a good area to stumble out. I stumble out and I start throwing up And I pass out and I hit my head. What yeah, and I'm like out like I don't know if I'm out cold at that point I was so blacked out drunk I wake up Strip clubs closed it's day time. It's seven in the morning Sun sun and you're alone. No one's alone. And you've been lying like in like gutter Throw up. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody thought to pick you up. Check your pulse. No, they just left me Oh my god, and and I don't know so

So I don't know what to do. Yeah, I don't know what to do at this point You gotta feel like a piece of shit though, right? No, I feel great Yeah, I felt horrible and like I'm wearing you know, I got throw up on my little posture I feel like the most depressing part is that People left you. Yeah in that situation and didn't even call the police to get you help or They also could have thought I was far enough away from the strip club where they thought I just left I got I wasn't in the middle of the parking lot and they like ran to stretch Hummer over me You know what I mean? Like

They don't I want him to mess up my leather, you know, I could see Lil John me like now He ain't like that. You know, I gave him those drinks. He's gonna put this on me. Yeah, so then I don't know what to do. My phone's dead. I have no money I can't find a there's no like there's no gas station anywhere Like I don't see it for miles and I'm just like I don't know what to do and I just I start hitchhiking So what a hitchhike. Who are you? I don't know. This was a different time, you know, my parents were divorced and uh, so so I started hitchhiking and uh I swear to god these two Spanish dudes in a convertible stop within like I was hitchhiking for maybe three minutes

Are you on a side road like or are like on a major it's somewhat of a main road I don't think it's a 1a, but it's like similar to a 1a and uh, and Like it just shows how white I am too Like how quickly I could get a car to stop for me, you know, I mean and yeah, and so they're like They're like get in I was like I'm going to South Beach, uh white law hotel. I'll pay you $40. That's what I said they're like, yeah get in And I get in and uh, I just jump in and I don't even think about it like that they could kill me You know what I mean? Like and then we start driving and I start to like

Come and I'm like, oh my god. I'm gonna fucking die Like I really think I'm gonna like they're just gonna kill me and put me in the Everglades after that I take out money like I really thought that I'm like I'm ready to cry like back there. I'm just Luckily like the convertible like Through the tears or whatever. So I'm just like, what the fuck do I do? I was like, I gotta get out of here And then I was like fucking I just tapped the guy riding shotgun. It's like whatever you do. Don't don't kill me That's what I said to him and then he turns around. I swear to god. He just goes, uh

You're the hitchhiker And if anyone's gonna do the killing it's like an hitchhiker and uh, I like made me so at ease, you know Yeah, you never see like a scary movie where like the you know, the hitchhiker So then we get $40 out and uh, I take the 40. I thought they'd kill me then and I get back to the hotel. They dropped me off Very nice people. I was just racist. I guess a little bit. Yeah, and uh, yep. Yeah a little bit and uh, I go I call that girl and I was like, yo, I just want to let you know I'm alive. She's like who? She goes wrong number a bit. No, she goes, uh,

She goes she said this exactly. She goes little john was concerned of your whereabouts That's exactly how she put it so formal she goes He wants you to party at the well come party with him At like on a sunday like some like pool party and I was like bleeding out I was like, no, I got to get the fuck out of here. I just drove north biggest mistake of my life I could have you know been fucking you wanted more of that Yeah, I feel like little john probably would have got me out of debt. No, he would have helped his boy out

Yeah, right. No, maybe no. Yeah, that was yeah, you just drove away. Yeah, and then like inside I already hit and just oh, it was smart. Yeah for real smart. Yeah, real heady but like shit like that like you just fall into Not something like but like stuff like that would happen like throughout my 20s. So then when did you actually Like what makes you start doing stand-up? Why did you start? I went to uh, I ended up moving to new york. I was gonna be a screenwriter This is in your mind. Well, I wrote a movie. Okay called laughers for hire. It was fucking terrible Like it was like

So bad. I sent it to everyone. I knew in LA like Guy that's like just produced like red two like like big movies and stuff I'll check this out. He's like you like misspelled like the title like like wrote this like like it was terrible Like fucking why are you so like because this is delusional about what you're right because I made 200 grand overnight So I thought I could do anything you think you have a magic touch. Yeah I thought I could like so I tried to you know start a website called you hot calm that didn't do so hot You know, what was it you hot which is it's a combination of a hot or not and youtube Yeah, and it was like girls would put up videos to see how hot they were

Which is kind of instagram now. Yeah, I wasn't crazy. That's not a bad idea. I could see how much you invest in this 2 million no no like hey like like four grand each and then we ended up selling it though for like nine g's Some guy bought in and made it a porn site the next day Which I didn't tell anyone and so is this still a site? No, I didn't work out for him But that was like the best business deal I did but he all my family was like you made it a porn site finally Like like they're like finally you're doing what we thought you should be in and then I tried to start an app Like I tried to do an app called earlacker and that didn't work out Brian earlacker an app just about Brian earlacker. Yeah. Yeah

You know Don't you have to get permission to do something like that? He would think but it never it never so, you know his last name is uh Erlacker, you know remember the budweiser frogs budweiser So me and my buddy were doing erlacker and so you want to play so player one would say er Player two is lack. I say er and you guys say er again To keep saying erlacker. Okay. All right. We're good. So Yeah

It's like yeah, it says painful. I can't I can see why you fail. I can see how you're not a good ideas guy Yeah Fuck that was that was one of the worst moments of my life You explaining how the erlacker app works. Yo, can I tell you you play it? Don't talk and then I got nervous when he was explaining it to me because he's like now remember to say this And then I felt the anxiety. I had a moment of interest and then yeah in a flash I was like, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. I know I know and I was I felt the pressure I was like, yo, this is gonna be the next facebook like I thought it was gonna be huge

Lack I'm telling you. It's kind of fun. I got it. So you're just scared that you're scared, dude I'm totally hating on you for any of these ideas, dude So he's a 4.7. I'm 466 I can talk down to 466. So I ended up uh, yeah I ended up trying to really make that like I got found the guy of craigslist and uh I paid him for I met up at like in west palm and like an apple bees or something And I and he showed up in a wife beater with his girlfriend who did the dude I met off craigslist. I look for an app

creator, okay, and uh I explained it to him. He's like, yeah, it's brilliant And he's like sweating and shit I'm like, yo, like I'm so desperate to make money That like I don't even realize you're like you became like a get rich quick guy. Yeah, dude I had like 80 schemes and none of them at the time is your brother already successful Yes Killing it and are you guys do you ever talk like is he like I try to avoid no no

We sort of mean like is he like I'm doing this does he ever do like do you want to work in this field? I worked for him. You did that did not work out either. Why because I was just pitching her lacquer at all No You gotta let this go It was funny though, I paid the dude 500 bucks to make it and then I never heard from him again No, shit, you're kidding. No, but sitting six months later. He finally picks up the phone. He's like, hello Hello, I'm like motherfucker. Erlager. What's going on? And he's like I got cancer That's what he said to me and I can't yell at a guy

I go, well, I want my 500 bucks back dude. Yeah, and he's like, oh, he's like, no, I want to make it I want to do this for you like his last rites or some shit. Yeah Lacquer I said I go to my god. Do you remember I go er. He goes lac. I go. All right, dude I'll fucking believe in you, dude. And then I never heard then he probably died. Hopefully died. I hope you Hopefully I hope yeah, so then uh, yeah, my brother's killing at the time I ended up working for him when I moved to New York the first time so I went I was gonna take a he's running his own Yeah, yeah, just like a billion dollar fund. Yeah, okay. Yeah And then I'm just killing it on the side and but what's it like working for you're just like terrible at it

I'm not terrible. I ended up, uh, working on the operation side And lean manufactured like the Toyota way like you go in the factories and you make it you cut the fat So you can fire people essentially. Oh my gosh So I'm just like timing people like with a stopwatch like if this is part of the job really Yeah, I just stand behind them and like time them on how they put away clothes Yeah, it's like 4.8. Come on. You got this. That's horrible. Oh my god 5.0. Get the fuck out Yeah, it's pretty much the job and then you do that and you're like, I can't do this anymore It was too fun. No, it was uh, I end up uh, no, so I ended up

I ended up working for him. Uh, he gave me a job. I was working in uh, at a lobster place. I was cutting fish I'm sorry. I'm like, I'm sorry like people yeah, quite a resume. Yeah, it's like forest gump. Yeah Yeah, and uh, and uh, anyway, I was like cutting fish and And as a fishmonger and uh, then my brother's like, you know, I'll give you a job And then I end up working for him and then I end up in miami's burgo, Ohio, which is outside Dayton And I'm working they give me like an area to work in the factory and I make it run more efficient And they're like, okay, but now we want you to work the night shift and run the whole factory And I moved to new york to write laffers for hot like to be a screenwriter

Yeah, and now I got a hard hat on in miami's burgo, Ohio yelling at guys that live off mountain dew You know and like look at me like i'm a little bitch Like how long are you doing that for? I lasted a week and a half a week and a half or like two weeks I wouldn't I wouldn't even lasted that long So I started having horrible panic attacks and like this is when it like really started him in And that's and I told my brother and like he was so nice like In a sense of giving me an opportunity, but he's like no you got this and I was like I can't do it and I just went back to florida. I went back to vira

And then that's when I ended up getting a job in sales In nursing sales and then started stand-up at 30 and then uh, I was like, oh this will be lucrative No, it's finally like to be honest like stand-up was finally like the job that I chose for myself And like was ready to put the work in and like not thinking I was gonna make money Overnight obviously and I was like and it was finally something that I did on my own accord And that's why like I pursued it so much and like did the dog walking job and stayed on top of it and I don't I finally found like what I wanted to do and like ran with it I don't know so that's like

But isn't that the the secret to all of it is finding the thing that drives you no matter what? Like you'll fucking walk dogs for nine years if it means that one day You'll get to be a professional comedian and you'll get to work with niki glazer and the series show and like That's so inspiring. That's so great and people need to hear it. Your brother must feel proud of you now Oh, so much. Yeah, they're all and really proud of me. Yeah, like it's uh It's cool like to do something on your own Like because I was so reliant on everyone forever, you know, I mean, oh, give me a job, brother Give me a job, you know, I mean and then

Yeah Pay your own way and shit. Yeah, I learned it late in life. I should have had a job in like high school I feel like sometimes I'm like I should have worked at like Danny's air conditioning company Like in this I'm like learned about money and like worked in an attic and like everybody You know what it's it's fine like you took the path that you took but like the cool thing is that You pursued something you wanted to do then it's actually cool that you started it now at 30 You know, I mean and and like you figured you did it a decade later than they tell you to start And look at look what you're doing now, man. Yeah, it's pretty dope. I'm pretty yeah, I'm pretty happy right now

And I will say Add a cough I will say the advantage Um and stand up comedy and comedy in general is that like the older fatter uglier you are the better it actually is It's not really a young person's Thing the younger you are the unfunnier you are I mean tom and I would say this all the time like who the fuck is funny as a 20 year old stand-up They got no life, bro

I would there's no way I would have lasted if I started at 20. No, I remember I really got nothing to say though What the fuck are you talking about jack and your dick? That's all 20 year old comedians talking about because that's all they know It's still funny. It's still funny. Yeah, it's still pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah, I like But not the whole thing It's uh, but yeah, no, I mean, I'm glad I started Later, I guess now that You have all this great life experience and you can relate to like a fishmonger and you can relate to real estate douche bags And guys who wear polo shirts or whatever and little john like you've got this wealth now

Yeah, which is great. Now. Let's be honest. Nikki's gonna dump you soon. What do you think is the next? Oh my god? She's not gonna dump him. He's probably I don't know. I'm pretty good at fishmongering. Yeah, probably get back in that game You know, let's just cut up some fish You know, either that or grilled cheese. I worked in grilled cheese for a while. Yeah Never goes out never goes out cheese is better than fish actually It's cleaner smell. Yeah, I would fucking smell like a tilapia on the fucking subway Homeless people would be like get the fuck away from me. I would stink like shit. Did you see the skydiving video? Yeah, I love for fuck's sake. I loved all those videos

I don't give me a guy eating a peach while skydiving and throwing up and then die in the water Like that was awesome The one was pretty fucked. The second one was pretty fucked up Which one the water one because it was you know, she died Yeah, and like first of all, why is she in the car while it's getting a tune up like on top? It's Russia, bro. They don't know. Oh, is it Russia? Yeah, it's Russia. I don't know. I don't have water How it goes away. Oh the writing there like why does it roll away all of a sudden though? Like the car is yeah, it's in the shop. So what does she do here? Release the brake? Probably it's not locked in

Uh, yeah I'll be like kid I like foreign overalls. Yeah, I'm so foreign I mean It's my nightmare. It's uh, she stops talking here. When does it turn off? There right there. See that's unfortunate because we don't know we know I mean we could hope It's over

I mean what it was it was she filming she was what was she filming? I'm sad again I don't like these videos, but I don't know how deep it is. Maybe she just it's a lake It looks like a lake. So it's you know, I don't know how deep lakes are. Maybe it's a duck boat. It's not a standing lake Yeah, she's dead, but you know what she had a good run. She's probably cold Also that her car was breaking down. She probably couldn't pay it off. She's probably ready to go anyways It's true. How come we watch these videos I get sad and you get happy. I'm in a good mood now Yeah, the video that you always play Yeah, where the guy's screaming. I don't like that one either. I love it. I mean I I have a very similar maybe

Can we play high school football together? I think maybe that's what it is. You know, we both wait Did you go to Florida from somewhere else though? No, I was born in Miami, but I was raised in port st. Lucy. Okay. Oh, that's nice place You know, I what I realized is that Yeah, another Florida guy. This is a Florida thing. You want to check out this Florida thing? Can I just bring up a point before we watch something terrible vomiting diarrhea? This one actually will make you laugh I know you you'll like it. I'm serious Go ahead bring something up

Well, I was thinking because you guys talk about sports like it's so important, you know In high school it really defines boys. I feel like you guys are like That guy's fucking big, but I'm like bigger. I'm a fucking fucking shit up, bro And I'm like, what's the equivalent? Sizes everything really good. Well, you will look at a girl's leg for how skinny. Well, that's what I'm thinking I think in the girl world. I'm trying to think the equivalent might be your your looks Yeah, like who's hot and who's like got the biggest hits or who's a slut We always think guys you made that one video, but it's like where you how big they are in person

Like didn't you do some video with rick jane or something like how big he is Who no you did a james brown james brown. Oh james like how tall he is Like I do that all the time and like if I meet a big guy like look at you You big fucking with your big dick and like it's like it's just projecting onto him because my dick is okay You know what I mean compared to how long is it? Did you measure? Yeah, I've measured every day and yes It's uh hard or soft I don't know you tell me what's the soft measurements too. Yeah, it's yeah, I'm not a grower or a shower So you're not a grower or a shower. What are you? Uh sad. What is it? I don't know probably six hard. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, that's that's average. I'm an average guy, but that's but that's and I'm probably lying So right so it's like it's five and a quarter. The point is it's four and a half Whatever, you know what though? I don't go down on women either. So that's good. Yeah, never. No, no, no I'll fuck it around. Oh Why you don't go down. Oh he does He's like a peach. It's a pig. Oh Yeah, you think he's sad again. Do you think he ate the rest of that peach like I wonder if you I was just wondering if he's gonna eat it

A plum would be hot too. Okay. It was pretty good. Let's move on. What's this? Okay. Yeah, check this out This is our before we go. This is a our throwback to our our state where you grew up where we grew up Go ahead. No recollection of that happening at all at all. This store sells some good liquor I drank a lot of it that night the viral video shows robbie stratton running through a convenience store with an alligator in his hands He takes the animal in the beer fridge as well. I don't even remember coming up here What We asked stratton where the alligator came from no clue No clue. I literally came to the store

He was in the back of the truck. They told me what I did was stupid and I'll be facing some charges here soon Probably go to jail. Probably not. We'll see he says he regrets his decision and he's been in contact with the fwc My favorite, that's that's lax a days ago. I don't know why I just got an alligator Way of dealing with charges Again, how are you that casual about I got arrested in florida for speeding on a jet ski in a manatee zone. Oh, yeah, that's serious there Yeah, yeah, how fat were you really ripping it? I was going like seven There was no governor on that bad boy, but but that's not when I got I got arrested six months later when I was on a date

What yeah, I was on a date with a stripper actually I've never been on a date with a stripper and she was gorgeous Where'd you meet her? Strip club. Oh, and then you took her out afterwards. Yeah, like a few days later on like a tuesday. You exchanged numbers. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay and uh, she um She didn't speak any english. She just kept telling me how nice I was where she like what kind of columbian, I believe Oh, okay, and uh, she looked like Shakira a little bit. Yeah, cool She's like so nice

You saw and I was like it felt not like a compliment because that was the only word She knew in english. She was basically like are you gay? Wanted to say she's basically sound a little bitch compared to the men she usually dates with the dicks That's true. Like mean guys that anyway, go ahead. Yeah, but I'm just like so then uh, I'm dropping her off Kind of in a shitty part of town and you're not gonna hook up with her No, we were kissing and then the cop rolled up and ran my plates Because I'm in like whatever a shitty part and he's like get out of the car. You have a warrant out for your rest And uh, I looked at her. I was like just tell him I'm nice if he asked

That's why it's a dirt and she's like, wow, okay Like she had no idea what was going on She just got done telling me how nice I am and um the cops are after me and I get out and the cop is like Gun drawn. He's like put your hands behind your back like all this shit. He's like got a warrant and he's like He starts like laughing to himself almost he's like were you speeding on a jet ski? In a manatee zone six months ago and you didn't pay the ticket I'm like, that sounds like yeah, it sounds like something I could have done officer He's like, well, you didn't pay it. You're going down to jail like you're going to jail

And so and then I was like, well, you at least tell her that I'm not a murder I don't know what he told her but she threw the keys. Yeah, I'd else me on like ran upstairs like she loved manatees or I think she he told her he probably was like he's an animal abuser. Well, he spoke spanish, too I think he was trying to fuck her Right, you know, and uh, then I went into jail and I'm in with like two badass criminals and they were like Fucking like Yo, I'm fucking in for assault or whatever and then they're like what about you and I was like Manatee, I was so scared, dude

And I was like manatee and then he's like and then he got quiet and I was like whatever he asked me I gotta get right or you're gonna fucking rape and kill me and he's like he's like he looks at me He goes yamaha or calisthenics I go yamaha and he's like it's a good ski And I was like, dude, I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was like, I'm good like I and I got out the next day and You had to spend the night in jail spend the night in jail for 80 dollars. Oh, why didn't you pay your fucking ticket? Yeah, I don't I don't do anything. I mean, yeah, why let's talk about this

Do you bring this up in therapy? Why why are we letting this? Yeah, what are you doing? Get your life. I do that too like a doctor bill the other day I was like avoiding and it was like giving me so much anxiety So why and I finally opened it was like 25 dollars and like that's the story of my life right there It's just avoiding thing, but I don't avoid them anymore. Like I'm like Now you're doing better without you are doing better. I am doing way better with it, but it takes time and like I don't know like my anxiety was so bad. I couldn't stop. Yeah pushing. You know when you you can't stop so

Oh, yeah, and waiting things off. I've learned about this People yeah, you can have a fight flight or freeze response. I don't know. Basically, there's people that are avoiders That's your coping mechanism fight. Yeah, you avoid. Yeah, that's just a way to deal with stuff. Yeah Yeah, so But then you you don't really like I don't know even our age group like anxiety and stuff like and panic wasn't a thing That was talked about fight flight freeze or fawn. Sorry. That's the fourth f for f where you it's basically being Codependent like you don't deal with your stuff and you're like Tom you need to deal with uh folding all this laundry right now. Are you gonna are you gonna call your mom?

I know you're in your mom right like if if I start getting in this Kool-Aid Yeah, it's like you're doing a voice. It's like you never yeah Like when you start getting into someone else is trying to solve their lives instead of solving your own shit Codependent are you guys when you guys met as comics like Mary and another comic was that like were you worried about that? That was like an SNL. What's that old sketch? When um, um, I don't know. I'm pretty I'm pretty good at this on the other side. You guys ever like uh, like No, I had I had anxiety about dating a comic because there was yes, especially because we're you know in our 20s

People were like you've never dated. Yeah, that's all I ever did But like you also put it out of your mind as soon as like you're in it, right? You're like, oh That's just How many have you guys talked about how you met on here probably oh million times Yeah, by the way because it hasn't actually come out yet. So did you see my mom farting? No, let's see it dude. So this was for episode 500 which comes out was it came out already, but Um, I caught her that's the best video ever. I caught her she didn't know I was recording and

It's it's best. It's pretty amazing. Yeah. No, she farted a lot. Did you know like to be ready? Yeah, well, how did you know to be ready? I kind of challenged her a moment before And I think she was doing it like for my amusement, but only Not thinking there's a camera. Yeah, so as soon as you have you you've challenged her like this has been a thing Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so she turned away and I just reached my pocket pulled out my phone and Dude, she oh my god

She ripped and then she didn't know I was recording which is That's not your mother. Yeah, it is The face You mean it's not my mother. The face is everything. I've never met your mom. Oh, well, that would be No, well Oh my god, that's so great Oh So fucking long dude

Dude, well you play that one more time. I know because halfway through the fart I didn't believe that was your mom like that's how it was just a bit or you thought it was Yeah, I just thought you like found a woman that farted like the longest on earth And you were like, oh, I'm gonna pretend this is my mother and I thought your mom had brown hair for some reason This is The face is It's her face. It's everything because right at that moment. She knows that a million people are gonna see this like a million Let's keep playing it when I hear her talk

You know my son anymore Show it to me Yeah, of course Dude, just to get permission to play this I had to buy her a bag Two first-class tickets to vegas pay for gambling pay for a hotel. She was like you are never I was like, I have to put this out there Come on I've never I've never That's amazing. Have you ever heard one that long from her? Oh, yeah

Or did you just get it? No, no, no, but those are like she's known for those. That's her wheelhouse. Yeah 10 12 14 How is that? She's just gifted. I don't know sometimes that happens after I have sex. Really? Yeah I don't know I could fart that long I've had the thing where if I eat something oily, oh stop no no at night the next morning What no Tommy your farts are on an ongoing on rolling. There's no when you say Yes, I can't be don't you guys have a fart mic or something right here, buddy God I wanted to fart so bad But no your farts are always coming and you try to pinpoint the cause like oh, I had vegetables

Oh, I had meat. Maybe it's your fart. It's genetic. Obviously. I mean, it's did your dad. I mean that's Yeah, it's way different though. His are just killer smelling. Yeah bad bad death like death dying So you have the combo you have both sides. Yeah, yeah, you have a nice blend This morning you tuted when I was I was leaving you with FIFO. No You leaned over to me and you're like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm embarrassed as comics But I wanted you fart in front of him for the first time No that you're asking the wrong question. The question is when did he fart in front of you first time first yeah Go ahead and tell him

Well, everyone knows this story. Oh, sorry. All right. He was sitting in his boxers Wedging football he thrust my hand into his crotch and farted on my hand. Oh, that was the first one month into dating Yeah, and I And that's what we did at our wedding You ever cuff your own farts and smell them. I don't have to I feel like I get them without it. Yeah, yeah, your dad. I mean, that's the most absurd thing I I mean, I think about my mom. I don't think I ever heard my mother fart My mom farted for the first time in front of us like a year ago. What? Yeah, all these things are just baffling to me

Yeah, she farted in front of us and then she goes, I've lived alone too long. That's what she said really sounds great She's not like She has emphysema Remember she's dying Those sisters from the simpsons. Yeah, all right. She's on oxygen. Uh, we gotta run but All right, uh, where can people find you see you all that stuff? Uh, instagram Andrew T. Collin is fun and then uh, I don't know. I just if you go to ninkyglaser.com I open you're doing a bunch of dates for it. Yeah, but all our dates pretty much. Do you have a website?

I do I got to Update it. You square space promo code mom. I have that. I have squares. You don't have an updated site. I uh, let it go Okay, you know what? It's a lot. You need to get your life together. No, but I am proud of you. I am proud of you for sticking with it Thank you, man, and you're on your way. It's awesome. Thank you. Thanks, man. I'm doing it. If you have a website guy, though All right Honestly And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you

That like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my god. This is actually happening I'm proud of myself I And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you Would that like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my god. This is actually happening