Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 509-Solo-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 24, 2019

Today it's just the Mommies and there is SO much to cover. First up, Mr. Positive from Pure Organic Dry Cleaning has a message for Mommy Tina. Who's cooler, Big Time Tommy or Mr. Positive? Intro Wars also take a left turn after we thought things were back to normal. Christina's work as a TikTok curator is attracting the eyes of award committees, this batch gets wild. How often do you brown? More than once a week? One member of the YMH staff doesn't even remember the last time. Pull your jeans high and tight and don't you dare call me Battarina.

All right, if you're watching on YouTube, please make note. This will be the last episode you ever see me without wearing glasses I got your dad vision. I can't do it anymore. Oh, no. I know it's why I wear mine barely see Everything in front of me. Oh, I've been for leaving them at home and today is a good reminder that I got dad eyes You do you're turning into a real dad. Yeah, we'll get more on that more on that soon Who hot topic guys? I can't fucking see anything. Yeah, I don't know if this is Josh's anal gaping porn Or this is a clip I'm supposed to play. I don't know Yeah, we're excited. We're doing another solo up today. I'm very excited about that. I'm gonna get into I miss these I miss you. I know like this is the og right here though. Yeah, this is how we do it man. That's how we used to do it in the

Home studio. Okay. Okay All right, but it felt it felt naughty, right? Mm-hmm doing a show with no holds bar No, no one's telling us what to do No, it's farts. There's so much to get into. This is really gonna be a good one To get us started here. You're I don't even know if you've seen this clip, but it's pretty good. Are you ready? I if I I hope it's what I think is gonna be okay. Here we go All right, listen, all right, I gotta tell you I got a call last night And guys you know some girls trash on a podcast. It's a white trash with me

Fuck that. Who's now fucking? I'll fucking light her up, man. Let me see this podcast. So I was all pissed off, man Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajitse Christina Pajitse Welcome to your mom's house It's still too long

I want to get to the fun. It is the fun. This is the most fun part of the show So intro wars have been going on for a moment and There's there's a lot to get into about that, but so one of the things that happened was you know, obviously had a near Firing with a blue band last week, but no, no, no, we you know, we work we talked and you know, he apologized but So one of the things I wanted to do He came in he goes I got a real nice treat for you as you can see if you're watching right now

I'm actually on the boards for the first time in the new studio. So I'm running the videos and I have to cough I Productive cuff easily the worst experience of my week Was that moment? I'm still getting over the cold our child. If you're gonna cough leave the room So I hate coffers and now I became the coffer. Isn't that the irony? Yeah, that is God. It's always how it happens So he goes I got a real treat for you and I'm like great. What is it? Well? the guys decided because they really wanted to make me happy and They knew how much I wanted to change the intro that they would each take a stab at creating an intro for the show

Right and Nadav gave his pitch for the intro last time. Yeah, I don't even remember what that was Oh, well, it was the one where it was like, oh Yeah, that was a disaster Yeah, that was Tim Allen and George HW Bush no new taxes it was insane Anyways, he and I fought about that, but then We we came back and he goes I got three new intros and each of you guys took a stab at it So first up is an intro This is yours, okay

Yeah, this is something that you know, it's in a better direction You're right Christina legit I Sorry I mean controlling and I'm calling well the irony though, right? The irony of having a sneeze rule or the disdain she has for sneezers. I know and I'm controlling my coughs watch I'm controlling the cough. Okay Okay, so sorry. I want to hear okay. Okay. Okay. I'm excited. All right. Let's hear. Let me know what you guys have not heard this

Here we go I'm not a racist Okay, I love it That's impressive. That's all the great tiktoks that I've been here, but this isn't the tiktok. No, no you guys This isn't the tiktok show. Well kind of is in A grand philosophical Like yeah, I know I say you're saying that the show isn't only about my curations

But it is about in the broader scheme of things that I get it. I get it's a fine Submission, yeah, it's the recent drops and well, no, it's one lane It's it's if this whole show is just the tick-touched Kind of stuff. This is I mean, are you gonna fucking do this all show? What's the problem cuz I'm laughing So touched. Yeah, if you're if you're gonna go down the tiktok lane of These people and like that's all we did then that would make sense

But it doesn't I mean that makes sense for the segment, right, you know, but I like it I like what he did. I mean, can you give him a little credit? I just said it makes deems yourself Okay, we're not using that as our new show intro. No, but I think the I think people I'm saying that one is not In I love it. I think I applaud your effort. That's absolutely not the new show. All right done signed and it's got my vote I'll take that. That's already a step up from from the last fiasco. So yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I applaud your effort Throw it away, but it's fine. It's got my vote so far. How many vote for Nadov? All right, this next one is by any made this one any made

Yeah, we just told them make a new one with some drops and this is what he made. Okay. It's fucking morning DD mega doo-doo Okay I've about DD mega doo-doo That's pretty good man. Yeah, that is in line with it. Like for sure. It's better than his what I don't know Yeah, oh, you're saying I need this better than mine. Of course it is. I don't think it's drops from the show I did drops from the show, too I know but you did just tick-tock drops because they're everybody's favorite the world demands the tick-tock drops

Thank you. Okay. It's easily any in the lead What are you talking about? No, I think any did a really great job He incorporated some drops that I I think are central to the show. Okay, listen again Yeah, that's yeah, it's it covers a few hit drops. It's like that's yeah, I see what you're saying But I you know, I mean even if you have a thing this even if you had one of your Tick-tock drops in what he built there that could play but like just tick-tock Okay, what if we added my sister my sister? I'm not a racist

You like her what if we added my sister went down down to the mountain like it's possible. Okay, anything is possible I want I want a cheeseburger. What I ordered cheeseburger. I'm gonna cheeseburger and fries Waiting for my lunch. I'm waiting for my luck. He's become a sensation I don't know if you're aware, but he's really gotten quite a following. He has. Oh, yeah No, I'm not aware anytime you ever think to ask me if I'm aware of what's going on with the tick-tock people You can know that I'm not aware. There's a lot of stars a lot of breakout stars from the show Regeneration no, I'm serious. Okay. What is this last one? It just says See, right? So this last one is from Josh Josh. I'll let you intro it

okay So I don't mean to like be a dog at my homework situation, but okay I deleted all the files when I went home this weekend and I got kind of busy and I Just worked with what I had which was just my voice So here you go Okay, I don't even know what that means. I don't know either. All right. I'm a little nervous Who is Randy don't bring anyone's mother into this

Christina To your mom's house Oh It's so dumb that I can't get mad. Yeah, I feel like it's the winner. You did all the instruments. Yeah, all the drops Yeah, how long did that take you to do? Like six minutes that whole thing I Liked it a lot. I can't believe how much I like it. I know I'm actually upset with myself that I like it

Is this the new intro? Fuck no, this is not the new I like it though Wait, why can't it be though, I kind of like it clear it again, and let's start the show Time who is Randy don't bring anyone's mother into this It sounds like some somebody that's tick-touched made it. Yeah, it sounds like a homeless person one of your stars Somebody from your feed my talent. Yeah made it. I mean I really applaud the three of your guys effort, you know That's really good. I mean Josh is terrible, but really good Yeah, the intro's in a better place now, right? I mean, yeah

Yeah, I just I don't know if I could stop playing the original intro though. I don't think we can I mean the listeners would probably freak out Do we stop playing it dude? I mean, that's the original Why am I I mean this would be the place to go though. It's fucking morning. Yeah DD mega doo-doo Telescope well, I mean that's yeah, that's like but you can't you can't take out who is Randy and don't bring it I know I know of course. That's your mom and the fucking stands. I mean that's all there But I mean you guys did a great job. Yeah, you guys did do a great job And I think it redeems you and your rage against no Dove. I think people were a little angry

Yeah, how angry you even went to his file and took the the mark off the file. What's that? There's a log that I keep like a violation Yeah, how many violations are in there? Well, it just depends. I mean Josh has one you have two and he has none Chris has one. What does Chris have one for just I'll tell you off Mike. I Know because he makes his non-bread. He doesn't bring it. Yeah, it was he got a mark for his Curry, yeah, he heated it up here in the microwave. Got a mark for that rude rude AF So everybody has a three kind of strikes policy. Do I have a mark? You have one mark. Yeah for what?

I'm your wife. You coughed you coughed. Oh, I did. I get it, but I kind of get it. No, you're right I deserve it. Yeah. No, I deserve it. You could get it easily a second mark during the same episode keep coughing I'm gonna stop. I stopped myself. Did you see how I controlled it? It's been really good. I did. Yeah, okay Why is this guy mad at me? I don't I don't oh, yeah, okay? This is great. So I hate when people see what I say about them I know mr. Positive. He's not supposed to see it, you know, as stupid as I am I think like well, this is a silly little internet show No one's gonna see it and then I forget the internet is around the world and people talk and then I feel like a horrible person already

Gd, it's funny that like doesn't I know because I feel the same way and then you forget like the downloads and the view count And you're like, oh, yeah, just this could have reached quite a few people Well, I think I forget how much our show is grown Yeah, you know cuz I still think of us is like doing the shot of Silver Lake and how I know hasn't registered that it's Yeah, bigger now. It is Here's it should I play what I got on mine? Oh, I'm so embarrassed already Okay Oh

That's really great Okay, so Zach amazing impression just so you know on our show you've made it if you've got people sending in Submissions, yeah, yeah, yeah as you know this guy's a hit you made it this guy's a you're you're good as famous organic laundry Is a hit so here's this post in these a few days ago Hey, I want to first give a shout out to my boy Steve sleep. Okay. All right. He's Marry and Melissa on Friday When your boys told me to give you a shout I'm doing it for you, baby Cuz I'm a man of people. I'm a regular dude. Okay, and then all right. Listen. Hey, I gotta tell you I got a call last night and guys you know some girls trash on a podcast

Oh, why trash with me? Fuck that. Who's that? I'm fucking I'm fucking lighter up, man. Let me see this podcast So I was all pissed off, man I'm already nervous I was like, oh Organic dry cleaning yeah, now I feel like a jerk This is why I'm such an asshole Tom. I say I say things just in the moment like maybe I was in a bad mood that day The nicest guy

But if you heard you cough I bet he'd cut you right now he'd cut my throat pure organic dry cleaning No, I'm not like a jerk. This isn't even the end of it. No, there's more. There's more to fight. Yeah, no No, there's more. I'm so more definitely more he He goes on he he shares More thoughts So now I'm all pissed off. I'm ready to rip you new asshole. You're fucking hot. All right. I love Canadian I went to school in Canada from seven ninety three. All right, and you know, I was I was a basketball star So what happened was I walked down the street. I used to get hit in the head with panties

Canadian chicks love me. All right. Oh, because listen. Oh, I gotta just clear up the ethnicity thing. All right I'm I'm born in New York City and my mother's born in the Bronx also. All right My father was born in Cape Cod. All right, so I guess I'm second-generation America I don't speak Spanish or Italian and I don't speak Portuguese or whatever you get that shit from but anyway, I Wasn't can I was a fucking dolly I'm walking on the streets and he's fucking hit me. So listen, man I can't be mad because I'm totally fucking crushing you. All right Then I Google you and I see you married to the guy you do the boy next to you right there boy

All right, yo, dude, you're a fucking overachiever like me You gotta come to the Bronx and sit at the overachiever's club because no way he's supposed to get a hottie like this one. Wow Yeah, I feel like pure organic dry cleaning doesn't have access to many women because I'm not that You know what I mean beautiful. We talking about I'm 43. I'm not now. I know you're doing not pandering I'm not I don't mean to but I am you know what I mean He's a little really excited right New York's dog city, right? No, he doesn't see blondes. Maybe there's fucking models walking around Yeah, yeah, yeah What do you think you're gonna fight him? Why would I forget me a huge compliment?

But are you guys gonna duel for my honor? Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, I think he's trying to court me now good That's free dry cleaning for us You're gonna let him steal me away I mean I'll take me to the Bronx with our two children just give her back, you know take it for a ride What? What he does have nice teeth actually, I bet you he'd be a real gentleman, you know Oh, he's sweet, but you know, I also see I see him being very sweet being a real gentleman And at the end of the night being like and it's all downstairs. So maybe

Get on your knees and start working. It's all downstairs between my legs. Oh my god, baby. He's not like that You don't think so? No, I bet you in real life. I'll tell you we he gives me pause a little bit because this is how my mind works I bet you there are people who are really like this like, you know, it's genuine. He's really like that Well, here's what I'm saying though. So I've I've had friends over the course of my life who you know And you have a friend that's kind of eccentric. Yeah, and you you have to tell new people like this is what the yeah I like this and you reassure them. I would need to be reassured About him because my first thought goes to savage violent

Psychopath no because no the first thing that I think when I meet somebody like this is I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop Like even that freeze frame. We're looking at right now No, I don't know if it's right now as he closes a freezer door that you're never gonna get out of or No, no, I'm serious And so I just need to know from someone that knows him like no, no He's actually a sweet guy and he's not the kind of guy who's like And then camera goes off he's like I'll cut your fucking throat Yeah, no guys like this that are the big personalities are like the teddy bears inside. No, no, no

Yeah, or they're psychos of course well gay recognize game Segura game recognize game I'm not charming and affable. Okay Affable charming guys are the ones you have to worry about guys who are like hey everybody Hey, that's the guy who could be genuinely like that or could be the opposite of that. Okay. I'm serious I know John Wayne Gacy Ted Bundy Gary Ridgway come to mind all these really all your friends While your pen pals. Do you write to them still? Yeah Okay, I see what you're saying so you need somebody to vouch for him is what you're saying Yeah, but I mean like if he's really like this then he's probably like a really sweet fun guy. I think he's a sweet guy

I think his energy is a little much. I know the deal. You're doing the podcast. You know, you're the comedies so embarrassed I saw your list it's kind of like a d-list, but anyway, I'm not gonna fight with you I'm a fucking dry cleaner. I pick up people's clothes. All right. I went on Instagram not to get famous I would told to get my business to double the size of my business. All right, so my personality is like that So when people are gravitated to it and that's how this shit was born. It's collateral damage. All right So what bottom line is, you know, you're the comedian. I bet you next year fucking more people recognize be there to recognize you All right, guys, I don't snap on people and fucking be condescending and all that shit. I love I really like people I I generally like them. Okay, and was passed down from the great parents that I had

All right, they love people and when they died thousands of people came to their funeral because they were very well loved and respected So I get it from them. So yeah, I'm hyped up and everything like that That's really me people come to my store 15 people that I never met before came to my store. Oh wow Well, good. It's good for business. I don't want to watch more. I'm too embarrassed. Why it's great So, yeah, I'm all jacked up. But Tina, you know what you started off bashing me But towards the middle you started getting soft. So Because I really look at me. I am cool. I am cool looking. All right. So I got fat. What are you gonna do? You get all I'm 50 albumy 59 next month. What are you gonna do?

But the bottom line is if you go on my facebook I went out with a lot of hot girls and you're right in my wheelhouse, man 40 to 45 my girlfriend now is 41. My last one's 40. I love you girls. All right, and you're really a hottie So now listen, here's the deal. All right. I know that your job you're like a poor man's tosh You go on you cut people up. But you really you're liking me in the middle To me it was like the you like the in kindergarten And you like the boy and you're pulling his ear and pulling his hair, but you really like them Of course. All right. So yeah, you didn't you didn't think I was that bad. Okay. It's part of the show. I get it

I don't take it personal. I have thick skin or like I said, I'm tougher than woodpecker lips. All right, but all I'm doing I'm uh, you're the comedian. I'm the dry cleaner. That's right. Yeah Pure organic dry cleaning. Listen. I I think he's a sweet man. I just think the energy would Make me suicidal. Maybe go over time. That's all I'm saying. You're a lovely you are your lovely man I think you are sweet and kind maybe find out over dinner. I don't know. Oh my god, Tom Why are you pimping me out? I don't even what's his name. Do we know his first name? I don't know. Is it steve? No, I don't know what it is actually Sorry, sir

Um, what did he he did like the thing where he's like, uh, he like kind of drops his jabs But like pleasantly he's like, that's kind of a d-list show. You poor man Yeah, um, I'll I'll be more fat. You're definitely not gonna be more famous, but but like not even close but It's not going to be a competition but Uh d-list I think I think we're even teetering on c-list at this. Oh, no, we've got some great people coming up Yeah, yeah, we have d-list. Oh, no, we've got some poor man's tosh

Oh, I could I'll take yeah, it's fine. It hurts. I mean tosh had us on his show. That's right He's taken some of our things and give me credit at credit. I would like to know more. I just want to know Are you Like a garth brooks type Where you put this on for the public and then behind closed doors. You're just an animal a vicious violent blood thirsty psychopathic animal or You know, just just an affable fun guy

Okay, I just that's that's the part that I want to know Yeah, okay, you know are their bodies In the dry cleaning you think red's gone Who knows? I mean, he's like my last one was 40. Well, what happened to her poor red, right? Do you think red's just tired all the time? Of course. She's like She's like Jesus christ, man Take it easy Take it easy. Take it easy

Take it easy Take it easy How you doing spam and twitter a new to twitter at big time tommy Here's my daughter the day the world is going to judge you no matter what you do So live your life and don't give a fuck about what people say That's such a big cigar. Is that a normal sized cigar or does he have tiny hands? It's a large gauge as they say in the aficionado world. No, I think it's it's a big cigar. Yeah Big cigar also a great message. Yep

I Love big time. What is it? He's like, don't forget to try on and don't forget if you fall down You got to pick yourself back up Take it easy Make america old school again os for life Hey Look at the jewelry jeez

I ain't doing instagram and twitter it's big time tommy and here's my daughter the day Great things happen when you distance yourself from negative people Remember that get rid of the negative people around you because they will always bring you down. That's true That's very true. Yeah, I thought he was gonna say great things happen to those who wait me too. All your great things happen To those who wait take it easy If you got nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all What do you think he gets his wisdom from did you just get a bag of fortune cookies? It might be opens them and he's like, but that's the thing about reading a fortune even when it's something like cliche

You're like, yeah You know, it's a good message, right? Yeah, it's like the four agreements. Everybody knows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you read the book The four did you like getting him to don Miguel Ruiz 100% He's just the italian northeastern don Miguel Ruiz. It's very simple. That's the old school way Make america old school again Take it easy That's the guy that's the guy's enormous. Is it pleasurable to have a cigar that big even it's just it's really subjective It's it's personal preference. I mean, I mean, I mean, but look at my little mouth

Your petite mouth I have a petite little mouth. I cannot fit such a big object in there. Well, we'll make it Ever seen that in the porn's no when she's like, I don't know if I can make it. Oh, I think I fit that my mouth He's like, we'll make it fit That's like every blowjob in porn nowadays though pretty much I feel like they're the girls are always gagging and choking and tears are flying. It's the best Do you know when um, a great time is to record a video to share with audio? when there is beautiful

background noise I ain't doing instagram. It's big time tommy. You know when you're considered old school When you're blowing the leaves in the dirt leaf out of the driveway every 15 minutes. Why? Oh my god Oh my god, I don't know what was going on with that. I don't know that's the old school life Make america old school again Take it easy See my problem. I'll tell you what my problem is when there's people that are deliberately creating content like this

Yeah, like he's doing like a shtick. Yeah, I have a hard time like All right, you know what I mean like the tiktok people that I like it's so genuine and sincere that I'm I feel like I enjoy that more. Mm-hmm. You know, than like someone putting on a character or whatever Well, I think he's being himself though. I think tommy really is this one. Well, it's a little it's a little elevated I mean, yeah, he turns it up. But I think he's a genuine guy. Yeah, I think he really is old school I think he really wears that sht daily. I think yeah No, that's his life. I think he he's the kind of guy if you're like, ah, man, like you're bummed out He's like, you know what you got to do. Oh my get away from the negativity

That's what he tells you in real life. Are you marrying big time tommy or organic dry cleaning? Well, I don't think I don't think big time tommy's cutting up bodies, but Well, interesting. Why don't you? Because they're both kind of similar in that they're big personalities. They're very bold and You know, this guy's more subdued for sure. This guy's more subdued than organic dry cleaning guy. Yeah, are you fucking crazy? Right. No, he's under control a little bit more. Come on. Right. He's not as frant kind of frantic I like it. I like to take kitties And I could be you know, I could be like mid-sized tommy and go out with him Mid-sized tommy. Big time tommy and mid-sized tommy hanging out. That's cute. I like that, you know

Rolling around in his Cadillac smoking cigars. Look at those fingers. I already got the gold chain. I can fuck you. You do. Yeah hang out with him Yeah I bet big time tommy would be fun to hang out with I'm not not saying that organic dry cleaning guy Wouldn't be but again, I would like the fbi to do a sweep first. Okay You know, all right, check out the premises. Maybe send a canine unit. Okay, cadaver dog. Okay See if the the coroner is like, oh, we're here all the time Babe. Oh, okay. They're not Yeah, um, yeah, you're you're really into your you have your specific

lane of uh Of clips and entertainment. Can we get to them, please? You want to do it right now? Yeah I feel like I need to find that guy. I don't like being called out by the guy and I feel bad about myself and stuff I feel bad for hurting his feelings. You do? Yeah. Why? Why? Yeah, I feel like I heard that guy's feelings now. I feel like a shit you did hurt his feelings But he actually feels I think he feels I think he feels redeemed now Like he got his message out and he got he is was big enough to move past the

Like the vindictive like he wasn't like Really throwing super mean insult. You know what I mean? Like he was actually I know that's why I'm upset because he's a better person than me And I feel like oh, yeah for sure. Yeah. I'm like, oh, man. Now this guy fucking won. Yeah So upsetting it is well, let's watch some tick-touched videos and then That'll clean my power. By the way, I saw those terms. I gotta give credit to uh Online. Yeah tick-tarted and tick-touched Uh from Danielle, you know, uh, what's her name Danielle? Something does only yeah, yeah, yeah her and username Derek

Yeah, does only she's been on twitter with us forever. She's Canadian. Yeah, her and username Derek Yeah, call called it that and I was like those are good terms What are we looking for? I don't know. I don't know. I was just looking for the original tweet. Oh, okay. Okay. Um, so I have not seen any of these. I know i'm so excited to show you and I think this will get me Back in the mood of the show. I feel like that I feel like I was put on blast Like I'm not I'm not having fun now because I know that I heard somebody's feelings. I know it sucks, right? Yeah, like these people are never gonna know because I don't even know how they figured out

I don't know. I don't know. I mean some of them. I'm surprised. They've figured out even how to use the app Why would you say that? They're just special. There's some simple All right, let's come on. Let's get into it. All right. Here's the first one Hey sis, I'm checking water But I'll talk to you later. I gotta go to the store. Is you drinking water? Oh, so so let me go to the store get some water Great clean water. I'll go. I'll call you back. Bye

Huh What was that? Well, that was your favorite lady. My sister's down. My sister's at the mountain. I know but what the hell was but did we just watch? Well, I think she thinks she's on a phone call. I think she thinks she's on a FaceTime Do you know what I mean? No, she doesn't think she is That's that's the bit she's doing. This is a phone call. Maybe yeah But it's a good message stills. You gotta drink your water. Oh shit. All right Hey sis, I'm checking water

But I'll talk to you later. I gotta go to the store. Is you drinking water? Oh, so so let me go to the store get some water Great clean water. I'll call you back. Bye What do you think about it? I mean, it's just such utter nonsense And there's no way anyway, are you drinking water? You go to the store? You should go to the store and drink the what? That's terrible, but she always puts out a message. I know like helping people which is why I like her videos This is definitely okay. She's like you got to stay inside. It's hot out on please

She's like you got to stay you got to stay cool. Uh cool because it's hot out Okay, these are good. These are better than big-time tommy messages. I think all right. Let's move on She's for the people princess. This isn't easy for me. But you haven't been following the rules. I have to do this So go get your notebook and write lines Write 20 times. I will not do this again daddy So this is a this guy might make me the most uncomfortable Of everybody on this. Yeah, it should because this is a whole new lane of tiktoks. I found this is the princess daddy category Where there are princesses and daddies and clearly he's the daddy and he's disciplining the the princess

Or the little that's a tiktok lane and it's a whole new Wow the whole life falling down because he did one. I remember that he was like, it's okay. Come here. Give me a hug Correct. He's like And I know he talks like that give me a hug right now He talks like yoshi So but but then there's that's not what I meant. Oh, but yeah, but there's littles That could call themselves littles too. But anyway, that this is disturbing and he makes a lot of I am a disturbing ones wildly uncomfortable. So let's move on

There's a little Deal with it. You don't like it get off my page, but you will not be mean to me or other littles Let me see who else is a little on my page So this is she's playing a baby Right, so there are adults who like to play baby And she sucks on a passi and there's a lot of tiktok videos devoted to being like don't hate on me Keep the the the ball moving. Yeah, I'm just I'm fascinated. I can't believe you're not as fascinated by this human behavior The feeling that I have shake it off shake it off

Okay, go ahead next Yeah, I haven't heard from roger Remember I told you I gave my phone number to him three times So I guess he's pushing me off. No roger No phone number. No roger. Oh well Huh, what do you think about that? What? That's nothing nothing about that was good or made any sense to me Well, she often likes to leave videos about her dating life. So it's nice to be updated on how she's doing

Roger didn't call her how do you think let me how do you feel about that? Why do you think roger didn't call her? I've been waiting all week to show these to you. I've been waiting so long. I've been keeping these under my hat No phone number. No roger. Is that what she's doing? Right roger didn't call her back Yeah Yeah, no, I get it. Okay. Okay. We'll move to the next video if you're not interested Milane, I mean hello. My name is prism. I'm originally from nettoon But I've been on earth studying your flora and fauna for 22 years. I would like to go home now, please Gil I'm looking at you

pick me up She's a savage in bed for sure That's all you have to say about her. She's kind of cute. That's it nothing else to comment on the mental state What's going on? This is a cosplay that's very serious. She's taking it very seriously trying to go home. I get it Okay, I wouldn't mind taking her home. Okay next vid This one seriously. I like her. Yeah, but you'd have to talk to her and stuff, right?

Yeah, until she stopped talking. Okey-dokey Next vid, please And this is what i'm doing Walking down the road in clown makeup and the dogs walking behind me She decided she was gonna go for the walk too if I could make sure I didn't get no goddamn throwboard something Dush, it's hurry the fuck up You a slow-ass dog We ain't never gonna make it to the air condition

That's it. That's are you sure you didn't stop pretty much really? No, that's the end of the thing So this is a gentleman that likes to dress up as the joker And he makes these videos, but he and his dog. He seems like a really chill dude I Like the way he uh, it's probably like a hot day outside and he's a fucking dumb dog. Yeah Hurry up. Well, what's interesting is that he does wear full joker makeup before and he looks like he's wearing like a Sweater or a coat or something Fingerless gloves. The dog's like, oh, yeah, it's fucking hot out, but tom

What's this a pure sign of insanity a sure sign? Fingerless gloves. Fingerless gloves. Yeah, always, right? Absolutely. Next vid. What do you think? Do you think the dog's gonna live? Yeah, I hope so Hey, can I top you off, baby? You know, I really wish this coffee was My spit and this cup was your mouth. I think that would just be really really great Okay, I like him How dare you gender that person? I like that person That was so good. We uh, we missed by the way national non-binary day international. It was yesterday. Yeah

Well in our first Our I don't want to say son, but it's his first birthday This saturday and I'm gonna throw a non-binary party. What do you think? I think it makes a lot of sense. Should I get mad at people when they try to gender gender our child? Yeah, did you like that one though? That one was great. This is the best TikTok I've ever seen We'll keep rolling because there's even more of this person. Well, not at this This person only did this one. That was really cool. Thanks. Wait until you see what else I actually would like you to Send me that video to my phone so I can send it to people just randomly. Yeah, I know

Um What the fuck? If you're listening right, I mean that TikTok just and when I say that TikTok, I mean that person That TikTok lady ate a The bristles on a hard comb like a hard hair brush a hair brush She bit the fucking bristles off. Yeah chewed them up and so I then was got a little dyke hope to watch Can we watch it again?

God damn. Oh, she's great Fuck she's eating multiple brushes. Oh, I like this one a lot Hold on Um Yeah, this one was a huge find for me. I was very excited. I like that the um somebody Points an arrow like they throw a digital arrow on that like the mirror moves like that's the that's the thing They're like you see this mirror move right on the side Well, not only is she eating the bristles of a hair brush. She's wearing like bunny ears

Like a bunny ear. She's she's old enough to know better. She's insane. This is an insane person This person is eating Yeah, fucking anything on the ground fully tech touch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I think this one's this one might be my best find find yet. This was just in your feed. Yeah, this should this shit is Yeah, I know I'm I'm like going into I'm totally elevating the level style of beats is elevated. What do you say? I'm still guru But still guru and premier. Yeah, that's how I feel like my feet is getting dude. Yeah, what in the fuck? Yeah It's pretty great, right? Yeah

I was pretty proud of this one. And then she's like, uh, wash down those bristles. Yeah Lends the power. Yeah, there's a few man. I'm so stoked. These are such good winners some requests for hex spell So I thought I would start off with an easy one. Um, it's a witches spit spell So what you're gonna do is you're going to spit um on the person door step The sidewalk in front of their house their car A chair where they sit somewhere that person resides quite frequently And then you're gonna want to go back to wherever you cast your spells. Um

You're gonna want to lick a black candle and then put your intention within that black candle through energy work Um, and you're gonna let that candle burn all the way out And then bury the remnants Easy peasy. That's what you're gonna do. You're gonna spit on and around someone's house. You're gonna lick a black candle And then you're gonna write your spell Doesn't this kind of like just show Demonstrate to anybody out there Just how unstable so many people are

Like you live in a world of That's full of people like this eating tooth fucking hair brushes being like you need to spit on a chair and lick a black candle And like it's just I know hey make me My girl you're writing your journal. It's just it's it's insanity. Well, that's kind of why I'm so obsessed with tick tock It's because you get to see what's really going on in the country What you're doing, but it is what's really going on You don't think this is what's really happening in the world dude. You have a portal into madness is what you have That's what you've

A tear in the fabric of reality. This is terrible No, this is but this woman honestly thinks that if you want to put a hex on somebody You spit on their cubicle. No, I heard it lick a candle And then I mean, it's this is this is insanity, but she's a hundred percent sincere. Okay. She's there's a lot of witches on On tick tock a lot of witchcraft move forward. Okay if we must There's no church house on hell As a preacher is the preach

And the congregation And needs to get together all the day morning Breakers y'all need to sit there. I'm gonna go ahead and Do you like it? This one is specifically for you This one I came across Why is this for me? Why is this for me? This one's for tom. Why? Because it hits so many of your notes that I think you like in a tick tock like

Well, there's a The framing is excellent. There's a lot of ceiling He's making no sense, which is my favorite There's a questionable amount of teeth in his mouth if any It's nonsense. This is this is the essence of what we do here Yeah He's yeah, I got it. I got it. I'm gonna have to jump next one. All right story time So me and my friend were at a party, you know

A friend's house and he made a check you can never tell but somebody you can never tell but check the man or a woman sometimes And you know, you gotta play the lucky the draw And he took this check down to my friend basement down in the house, you know, and we're gonna go do the tickle on long sure and And uh, so he's down there and they're getting in the mood and he said why do I feel like there's a log in your Pants go, ah, no, no that ain't that You know, he pulled down the girl pants at a seven inch long

On and he ran out and he ran out of house and I'm not gay. I'm not gay Find out the guy's name Susie Nick name Susie Isn't that a cool story? Yeah, thank you. Do you feel like you could use that story on your next special? How many people you think just unsubscribe? I think we just got a whole bunch of new followers It is drool at the end by the way. Yeah The dog is asking on board

At the very end he spits out of his mouth a little Oh, just look at the last few frames. No, I thought I noticed it too Yeah, just scroll back a little. Okay, go now watch this part. It's the best part. It's the icing on the whole cake Okay making Susie I knew it. I got him got him. I knew it. I knew it. I knew I could get him I knew it. I know what my husband loves I knew it was a really good story

It's a really good story He told and it was all about the one-two punch with this guy I knew I had to give you two pieces the first one and then Really? Thank you Jesus I knew he'd be your favorite. So let me guess. Yeah, you follow and like and encourage. Of course, of course Listen, I do actually like these people. I enjoy what they do To me, this is more fun than any fucking shit on television

Uh, this is more entertaining for me and then a lot of stuff Better than making Susie All right This is better than many movies on iTunes right now. Do you think? Yep, it is This is way more interesting. This is real. This is that's a real person. He's not playing a character. He's not trying to be Somebody else. This is real ask josh if he would go

interview this guy Don't he bear please don't Josh Yes, yeah, yep this game. Josh is the best Is that it? Uh-oh, oh, oh no Oh god Oh my god

What the fuck Okay, if you're If you're listening This guy on tiktok his handle is the redneck grandpa He's sitting in a wheelchair and he's using a bandsaw on something on his lap Like he's he could easily Miss easily or push too hard or slip and that bandsaw would go right into his thigh meat

And he's already in a wheelchair. Yeah, no, he doesn't have much much left to go with you know, like you don't want to Damage does he actually talk? Um, I think it's just footage of him sawing on his own leg Yeah, and then his grandson having genuine concern towards the end of the video. Oh, he does like stop doing that He's like Jesus stop doing that, please Let's see That is terrible damn Grandpa Oh my god

That ain't even funny. Yeah That's not safe grandpa Looks like he can kickyfoot in his chair though Sometimes people in in wheelchairs will still kickyfoot But that upsets you when they kickyfoot because you feel like They're they're not really Yes They don't really need the wheelchair if you can kickyfoot you don't really need the wheelchair

It's quite a few kickyfooters in hollywood if you're you're driving around hollywood, you'll you'll see a few And they kicky kicky kicky foot across the street and they're like, hey Give me something you're like, I'm in a chair like you're kickyfooting now You hate the kickyfooters, I don't like kickyfooters I know it doesn't bother me in the least but you feel like they're they're a fraud or something, right? Like you go get up Yeah You feel like they're misrepresenting themselves Yeah, they are because you're like you can walk or you can at least scoot scoot. You have leg power. Yeah. Yeah, that's not fair

I know no, I see them doing tricks and turns. Yeah motoring across the street tricks and turns Did you know that they came out with a new Barbie? That she's uh, she's black and in a wheelchair too. So I made sure to get them for our sons For our sons, right because i'm i'm a woke mom. Okay, you're gonna be like this just a wheelchair Do you think our kids are gonna like wheelchair barbie? Yeah, sure. I think they're gonna flush right down the fucking toilet I mean they haven't really been into dolls That's only because we haven't oh right. We haven't been like insisting

That they play with all that's what i'm saying. I know they're always into like cars and trucks and dirt and stuff Yeah, I gotta give them wheelchair barbie. You gotta reprogram them. You know, yeah, I saw a really cool post about Um international non-binary. I wish I had my phone with me. I left my phone at home And uh, just saw it was it was really inspiring. It was bananas. It was inspiring Do I have any more tricks up here? You have one more. Okay. I hope it's as good as redneck grandpa, but This public announcement goes out to all you bitch ass niggas that mother fuck claim that i'm a false blood Bitch call me out and see if i'm a raw fucking false blood. You niggas don't work. No wreck Sue woo bitch ass niggas

cool So this is a whole other lane. What's the lane of tick tocks. It's ganger gang Gang people being like i'm a real gang banger. That's a big thing. Yeah, that's a whole other lane on tick tock They're like this is the platform Yeah, they're like share that i'm for real exactly and they call out They do shout outs to their clicks and their gangs and stuff. Okay. I don't necessarily want to go down that lane too much I'm a little scared to be honest with you. What do you what are you scared of? Well, I mean, I don't want to get involved in that world. Don't don't get involved in that one

Well, I just thought you'd like this gentleman because it's funny But there's a lot of vatos covered in tats and they're like and they're putting tick tocks up They're putting tick tock and then let's say like all that stuff F***ing false blood. You niggas don't work. No wreck. Soo woo. Bitch ass niggas I'm not. What is Soo Woo, man? I don't even know Oh, do you understand? I don't I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know. Soo Woo. It sounds like it's like just come get some Yeah, come get some. Yeah, basically, right? Yeah You want to see this shit? Soo Woo motherfucker come on over

Pretty much, right? It was pretty rad though. I thought yeah, I liked his passion. I like that. Oh, he's passionate Yeah, he's real as f***. No, see like I believe him Like I totally believe I believe him too. Soo Woo. Absolutely. Yeah. No, he's he's gonna give it to you I would not question this dude at all. Soo Woo, bitch ass What's that other one that guy said by the pool all the time? He's like we out. Oh, yeah, we out of here He was supposed to say we out here. I think he was saying we out of here because he's such a f***ing tiktok Yeah, he didn't even know what the expression is. Yeah, he was saying what was the other thing he said That's what I mean. There's another phrase. He kept saying he was saying two things

dead ass dead ass Dead ass we out of here. Yeah Dead ass what's that any did you have something dad? I was just gonna say he said we up out of here. Oh, we up out of that's even worse Why tell him explain because I'm f***ing lame we up out of here like to get up out of here. Is that that's just lame? I mean, I can't I can't explain why he says it. Yeah, it's not even It's like stupid. Yeah, we out. Not we up out of here. Yeah, we up out of here. It's not even the expression No, it's not even nothing to do with the same thing. Right. No we up out of here, huh?

We up out of here. That's not it. That's not the it's we out here. You know like we out here doing it Yeah, right you out here is blood We out here son What that's how you say it. Yeah, just shake your head. You don't have to say nothing. Okay. Sorry So we'll mother he's in Utah that guy doesn't know any Crips This guy does that guy knows a lot now on on good news also I'm getting into fortnight, which is where you learn all the cool dances and I will give a full report Once I'm in there. I'm currently downloading the app on my iphone

And I will be teaching you kids how to floss and how to do all kinds of neat stuff. Oh, Jesus Christ I'm housebound. I have two small kids. I don't know that. Um, this is the only fun I have Brendon Urie plays fortnight like every day for hours. That's right. That's why I kind of want to get into it He does hit it. He does on twitch and all the money goes to charity. It's all charity. It's nice. He's the nicest, isn't he? Yeah, he's great All right Where are you going to be cp? I'm going to be in salt lake city august 2nd and 3rd Uh, september 5th milwaukey wisconsin september 6 chicago, illinois september 7th, boston

october 3rd through 5th, nashville november 22nd, seattle november 23rd, portland, origan tickets at christina p online Also, if you haven't already, please check out my brand new podcast where my mom's at Drops every monday, so it should be when you subscribe. It's going to be in there monday subscribe rate review and watch it on youtube also check out my two netflix specials mother inferior and the degenerates if you Have not already tickets at christina p online all right This week if you are On this run. I hope you come to a show. I have the great josh potter with me

We are in appleton wisconsin on the 24th rockford illinois the 25th Uh, 26 were in puria 27th cedar rapids and 28th evansville from there I go to wilkesbury pa On august 6th then terry town albany foxwoods and hampton beach And it ends in burlington and then we fly to canada

And the shows are moving. We added second shows in toronto winnipeg and vancouver that is august 15 16th and 17th Get tickets at tomsogurr.com slash tour also quick note josh potter you can see In now you could always see him in seattle. That was that's now at chop suey But he's adding shows in tokoma

And in portland and if you go to josh potter's twitter page It is j Potter at j underscore potter You can see the ticket links to catch him that same weekend In either tokoma portland or seattle really excited for him on those shows Uh, you see this guy? I don't even know who this is I have in my cup of coffee. So there you have it. Hopefully he'll do that. Anyway, besides that

I still have the roses. They are decaying, but I'm going to hold on to the madonna. Okay I think they're the roses from madonna. Oh, sure And uh I mean, they were 12 dollars and 50 cents that I take uh, and it is, uh 7 30 in the morning. Oh, you're probably just getting off and taking a bath, right? And rehearsing today, because you rehearsed there. Yeah, that's her rehearsal day. Uh, all right. So I'll see you one monday my love Is this madonna's boyfriend right now? Like, how does he know her schedule and stuff? This uh,

I think it was a week or two ago. You sent uh, there's a group chat with you, me and josh And you're like look into this guy. And uh, that was the first post that I saw was like, yeah, this is uh, I sent this guy over Yeah, you sent this guy's profile to us. Really? Does he have other cool videos? Uh, I mean, I'll look into it uh, and prep some for for next time. Did I use any of the video of the guy Smoking crack and blowing it into another guy's ass. You did not. Oh Somebody sent that yesterday. I can't believe I didn't send it. Is that on your twitter? No, it might be on reddit or something. You know, yeah Guy blows crack smoking to someone's ass. Yeah. I'm on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would look for that one. It's pretty great. I don't know

Wow, well, this is certainly an interesting video. He's right out of the hospital. He has like hospital bands on his wrists and stuff and he smokes fucking rocks and It was really It was really really nuts Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Nope

No Nope Sounds like a real interesting clip. I wish we could see it. Maybe re rephrase it, you know. Yeah Okay Yeah, I don't think people really need to see it. I think you can just talk about it I feel like I don't need to see it. It must be a thing, huh? Uh-huh Like it's an actual thing to do that to blow crack smoke into some other guy's butt

I would do it. I would try it. Like if somebody I bet I bet you can get high that way I bet you can too because it's in your b-hole and uh, there's lots of capillaries. What is this? Josh, will you smoke crack and blow the smoke up my ass? He says fuck yeah. Oh cool. Yeah Only if you do it back Are you gonna do it back? Okay All right

I guess we have our next video No Okay, I want to bring up something. It's horrifying Horrifying. I'm so embarrassed Is uh, when you say horrifying is it like? That's terrible that looked terrible. What were they pulling him on? Uh, I think he was on a longboard and then they just had a rope to the back of the car I think they were going full speed on the car. That looked fast. That looked really fast

You remember when um back to the future came out in the 80s and everyone did that Essentially like they'd go on the back of pickup trucks and try to skateboard on them. Yeah, and this should be squatting way lower Well, you know, I mean like he's dude standing up way too straight. I can tell you that for sure Oh man his shirt and tour you're right. He goes. He's dead. Yeah goddamn goddamn bad He ain't that bad and we'll see wearing a helmet probably not. Nope. No helmet. No risk. Nope Speaking of embarrassing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so You uh lately you've acquired a thing on amazon Uh

That you've been wearing to go on your dad walks. Yeah, and uh, Whitney Cummings moved down the street from us And her fiance made a video. Well, she made a video of her fiance. Do you want to play it? Yeah, what's it? What's it label under? You know, uh, I think it's uh, look for hat the folder that starts with the word hat okay Yeah, so this this just came in um A uh text message to us. Yeah sunglasses and then like this white hat with like, uh It's like warrants of arabia Sun

Cape on the back of his hat. You think that's tom. It might be it looks like it But it looks like he's like doing some extra sadness. Wait No guy with a beard wearing a hat with like a skirt on it. Yeah, one of those hats with a cape You know No, but they're like is he walking around? Yeah alone. Yeah Not with a blonde woman. No. No, I've seen him twice. I saw him today. You know, I saw him yesterday What was he doing? It looked like he was coming from like a trail walk Up by the trail that shorts shorts t-shirt beard

So Whitney sends that to us, um, that's for sweet fiance um Do you guys want to see the hat in question? Okay, first of all It looks normal It is oh my god Looks fine. Okay, so for people You look like a chic or a beekeeper So you see sunburn all over my head and neck, right?

No, you don't it's a stark white hat And it's got a really like nerdy long brim and then you've got the neck flaps on there. Yeah, it's great. I love it Like an old asian lady like chinese ladies. You want to know something? I just bought four more to give to the staff Just none of them are gonna any there's no way any's gonna wear that shit. He gets laid Right, bro No way No That's true. And he could pull it off. First one. Let me tell you something

Sue woo. This is tight. Look at Whoa, I got my earbuds in yo, so that's another thing. So I got you these wonderful Those are the dopest fucking earbuds for exercise every time I buy any type of earbud. They fall out I just they get like sloppy and then they just drop back. These are fucking amazing Do you want to say who makes them? So I think I think bows make them so I got them online It's a specific sport shock thing and they just lock in and these motherfuckers do not fall out I love them. Look at him though. Look at this outfit. I just see like an intense fitness guy. I don't see And by the way, it's hot as shit. I'm bald

I have fair skin. I burn in like 15 minutes in the sun So if I'm going to go on a run or a hike or something, I don't know man I don't care. I know but now the neighbors are like, is that tom sagura wearing a beekeeper's hat or on the neighbor? Like I don't even that's the weirdest thing is that the craziest thing is I'm getting hit on I'll be honest Oh, bullshit chicks are other dudes up in the hill. No, a lot of hot chicks are like On your dew walks. Nobody. Actually, uh, you want to know what happened today? Wait, hold on. First of all, this photograph just you know, it's a for those listening Not only does he have the sheik hat on and then he's got the nerdy bows ear buds

He looks like shrek. You know how shrek's got those little ears It looks terrible. Go ahead. Uh I was running today up near that trailhead, right these two girls Were coming off of it and as they turned and we made eye contact they laughed Yeah, they came off of the trail and they're like Like that It looks terrible But you know what I'm it means is that you're not trolling for puss when you're going on your walks. Oh, no, I am

But I am I'm putting it out there I'm letting them know I'm like no one can see us. Look we're all hidden under here. Oh my god I wish you had a flap in the front too to cover your face I would wear it to do backwards a backwards one and I gotta tell you this this sun, you know, this southern california sun is brutal And when I'm out there with that thing on and I feel like it feels free again. I absolutely it feels like it's spring It's great. Can I tell you what? I think you and I are both Embarking on embarking on now and as adults is that I don't give a shit

Oh, I'm definitely leaning into I'm leaning hard into it too Like I wear glitter on my shoes now like I never did before I wear crazy stuff just to feel alive It's a great it's a great phase of life when you truly some people have that like their whole life And they're lucky they're amazing But some people you got to grow into it and uh, I totally am like, you know what I don't want to burn And I also I don't think this photo and it probably ran off with the sweat I usually also just rub a bunch of sunblock all over so there's white streaks Oh, that's such a dad thing you do. Yeah, I don't even care. I I when he puts on sunblock

He puts it you you slather it on you don't rub it in so then there's all these white streaks and then in your ear There's all white caked for like the days because you don't shower it off. Yeah, that's there's dad Yeah, there he is But here's the thing I've had such, you know, like there's certain things where you're like basically never again You know what I mean where you're like, I'm never There's um There I am but here's the thing man. I am so traumatized and

upset By the some of the sunburns that I've experienced sure that I think about it now every time I'm about to leave the house and it's summer You know, I mean like I think about those sunburns the brutal ones where I'm like no way Even when we go like swimming and I know it's gonna be I don't know 30 minutes or something I've doused someone cooking out there. I want to absolutely lather myself in it By the way, I know some of my cool fans are like I want to be able to look like you tom. You can because uh That's where I got my amazon

Yeah, I got the white one. It looks cool. The cool bar sells them This is unreal and the dad even the model looks dorky as fuck, but he looks like a fucking triathlete He looks so And he's like a handsome older gent. Yeah, and he looks like shit there. You know, he doesn't have he doesn't have skin cancer I'll tell you that Yeah, looks really good wait till you come here and you see all the guys wearing that they're gonna all be like Oh, this thing. No, they're not. Yes, they will and any will make it cool. I know he'll make it cool I'll be like see how it matches this in my shoes. It's just dope

Um speaking of stuff that like cool stuff that you wear So I had this epiphany along the lines of like towel drying myself off. Yeah Where I was gonna I was like hanging around the house and I wanted to wear something Special, right? I was like, I'm gonna put on something nice. So Tommy sees me looking nice And then I was like, I don't want to wear that item of clothing because it's not a special occasion right now Yes, and then I was like, dude, I I've been doing this my whole Life where I'm like, I don't know. I've got to save that We're both guilty

Yeah, I got to save that shirt for like a special event or I got to save it And then time goes by and then I forget that I even have it or winter comes and now I can't wear it It's more in line with that. Um Like we were just talking about like, you know, not giving a fuck. It's it's in that same wheelhouse Of like you buy the shirt or the shoes and you're like, these are awesome But they're so awesome right like there's gonna be a an event that I wear these for right and then you know Yeah, then a day goes by a week a month Yeah, two months and you're like, I still haven't worn the thing and you reach for it

You're like, yeah, but I'm just going to like the store and then I'm gonna go pick up this thing and then I'm gonna be back here So you don't wear it for that and then six months go by and you're like, oh, I still haven't worn my special shirt Yeah, and then you realize, you know what? You just gotta fucking throw it on man Just throw it on and wear it to trader trader do that or whatever you're doing. It's not special Life is special. Every day is special. There you go. You gotta you have the gift of tomorrow all the time Hey, how you guys doing? Uh, remember if you don't If you don't get it done today, remember there's always next week You can do it then

Take these There's always the gift of other days coming That's right. There's always the gift of tomorrow. Just relax But I'm like, why do I save stuff? That's so dumb. You should enjoy the thing you have so guilty I mean, I I still I was looking in my closet today and I was like This shit has tags on it. I bought it a year ago. I feel so stupid because I'm saving it. I'm saving it special shoes Yeah, those are cool shoes. I can't wear them out. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong? I had to bring that up in my therapy Really? I think I will

I think it's all tied into the Until the the towel drying thing and the not putting ice in my smoothies What if your therapist you say that and she goes kind of tell you something for real and you're like, yeah, and she goes I think you're just tick-tocked And you're like, excuse me She has pretty much said that sometimes really yeah, like Sometimes the only way she can get through to me is to joke And she'll be like, do you really think that blah blah blah blah like she kind of will shame me a little

She kind of learned your language 100% like she knows when I'm being sorry. Like if I'm too harsh and sarcastic, she'll be that way back to me I would love if a therapist was like, what are you a fucking idiot? And you're like, um Sorry, what? She's like, never somebody as stupid as you I do worry that I'm boring the fuck out of her Boring them. Yeah out of 10 after 10 years of therapy. There's no way she's intrigued every time I'm in there No, but I mean she probably cares about you. She cares a lot about me. That's something you can't earn in a week No, dude, but I know I'm bored of this shit out of her speaking of caring. Uh, what's this willow smith thing in here?

Which one It says, oh, fuck. I love this. This happened on red table talk. Let's do it. Let's show you Your intention is to create more love To set this up Okay, so I'm obsessed with red table talk, which is a facebook watch show that jada pinkett smith Her daughter willow and her mom gammy do and they sit around the red table And they bring up like taboo issues or just hard to discuss Topics and they sit around and they hash it out. It's the fucking greatest thing ever. I'm a huge fan

I love it. It's so much fun. And so willow came out recently about three weeks ago She came out as polyamorous. Oh, it's like me. Yeah poly and bye. Wow Polly and so this is about this She comes out as polyam by your intention is to create more love more understanding more community more compassion in your life Then i'm all for it. But if your intention is to just Have sex all the time and it's not with whoever you want. That just doesn't sit well with me That's not aligned with my purpose Okay, so she's explaining to gammy

And jada why she believes that like polyamory is better than tradition marriage and such So I really couldn't see myself in a quadruple. I mean anything could happen, but personally Male and female. That's all I need. Well, there it is So she's saying that she likes both male and female and And she's like I will do a three-way relationship right a quadruple And and willow's head. I don't know if you I mean, um jada's head kind of snaps and she's like what? And then gammy's reaction How does it make you feel because I think my stomach just

Listen, you know me willow whatever makes you happy. I think willow is really young and so I have so much to learn And so much to experiment Oh How old is she 21? No willow's younger. I'd say she's like 19 18. Yeah, I have so much to learn But how fucking she's got to figure it out. She's got to figure out how embarrassing is it to be 18 she's 18 Yeah, when they I mean that's an older 18 though because she's been in the spotlight. Yeah No, she's not like your average 18 year old for sure

But could you imagine tommy one of our kids like you're on the show with them? And then ellis or julian is like guess what um polyamorous and i'm by and you know that they're just 18 Yeah, yeah, and you're it's it's got to be so embarrassing You know, I would jada and gammy to be like, uh-huh. I'll tell you what. I would yeah, of course I would mock our kid to his face Oh, are you cool And that because willow's like and I think traditional marriage is outdated and terrible and I'm like you don't even know

What there's also these kids they went through some shit with like, you know, you're not supposed to be That famous no and exposed to some of these things that young. Oh, they've gone through such a ridiculous Trajectory. Yeah in life that I I feel like you have to forgive every stupid thing they say a thousand percent But that that's why I'm not like I'm not gonna get into shitting on her for whatever she feels she is But as a parent like I'm just watching jada's face and you have to be like I'm supportive of your of your absolute Lack of knowledge and how the world works right now. It's gotta be embarrassing back down What's it say? It's true jaden confirmed a relationship with tyler. Is that she really?

Wait, what? What's that saying? That's is that a joke you shaking your head, what do you say? Okay, um I thought that was something new. I didn't know what that was. Well, here's more I've done a lot of reading and research and what you find a lot of the time is that marriage and monogamy is steeped in this idea of ownership and so I feel like

those underlying historical oppressive natures That were the beginnings of monogamy and marriage marriage wasn't about love. It was about monetary exchange I don't know. I um But doesn't it hurt? I just can't get over what jada pinkett smith's mother looks like she looks like stunning 38 gammy looks amazing, but i'm just trying to think of what gammy in her head. She's probably like shut the fuck up Of course, stop talking willow. It's like trying to tell gammy that it was international non-binary

You know she's like because gammy's reactions Basically mirror everybody who's watching like she's the only one that has a normal reaction to what willow's yeah, of course And jade is trying to be supportive and everyone is like gammy's face. That's the look of somebody Are you talking about that's the look of somebody that loves you when you say some stupid shit. Yeah, yeah, and if somebody loves you like Yeah, no, that's interesting. Mm-hmm It's not Oh, it's yeah, so this whole episode is about polyamory

And and quet through pools and duples and all that shit was amazing and there's at black underscore poly underscore I didn't know that's a very specific real niche group there Look at gammy gammy's like she's she looks better than both of them. I think gammy's probably like mm-hmm Can we cut the cameras the fuck are you talking? You're what what What are you doing? What please stop talking Speaking of black people and crazy shit any it turns out that your

Your dukey shoot is on its own Schedule you we've been learning about this. We've been learning about this for a while and Just so that the the audience knows Um How often in an average week are you sitting on a toilet and making a regular brown bow movement? Did you say in one week? Uh, okay. Yeah, let's go with one week

Uh Possibly zero it depends on the week And this is every week This is every week buddy Bra, I like you a lot And I don't want anything bad to happen to you I mean can

Can I Put you in touch with somebody It's supposed to be at it, you know Not a normal once a day. Yeah, you should be going every day. Wait. So how often are you going? No idea Like they asked me In here about a week ago when's the last time I remember and I did I don't know Wait, what about now remember last time you shit right now? I mean, I had food poisoning like four four days ago or so

Okay, so that was it. Yeah, and then in the last what about yesterday? No, and the day before no Not since then and does it hurt? No, you never have discomfort never I I did when I was a kid Um, but then I kind of got used to That I guess the discomfort no no no my body got used to it and then it didn't hurt take me through an average day Eating like let's say let's say you got up today. Did you have breakfast today?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, what do you remember what you had? I had McDonald's which is really smart, which is great I love the strip waffle McFlurry Yeah, and the chicken mozzarella sandwich from Canada. It's my favorite item But what did you eat? um, I had two Sausage egg biscuits two and then anything else and that didn't make you brown. I mean, I'm sorry. I just Is that a lot? Well for me for me. Oh, but I think the two would make you brown. Well, let's let's go ahead. Did you have anything else?

Coffee. I had a hash brown No orange juice. No water. I did have orange juice. Okay, and then orange juice. That's the last time you ate Yeah, I've just been having water and you've been have you are drinking water That's are you do drink water like pretty regularly. What about coffee? Do you ever drink coffee? Never coffee. Have you tried drinking coffee first thing when you wake up in the morning? Maybe that makes you poop. I never what about come here. Can I ask you this? Two possible like two things that may be like just to start shifting things What about at least once a day you choose whichever you prefer more?

You do either like a mixed fruit bowl So you get some fruits in the system or if you prefer veggies We do like some either salad or sauteed, you know greens like one of the two to kind of jump start The system. What do you think we do that here? No, I'm asking if you would be open to either of those ideas Yeah, yeah, which do you prefer the fruit or the veggies fruits are good. You like fruits Wait, so wait, what did you eat yesterday? Did we go through his food diary? What did you have for breakfast yesterday? Oh boy, uh my memory is

Okay, but this morning you went to mcdonald's and you had two And what do you I mean, did you order lunch? Will you order lunch for those? Uh, no, I think I forgot to order from with you. Oh Um, are you eating three meals a day? Usually if not It's gonna sound bad, but if not, then I'll eat those three meals in one sitting Okay, wait, wait, take me to one of those

So like let's say you what was dinner? Well, take me to one of those take me to one of those three meals in it Like what do you do you sit down and you eat? I'll eat at a full pizza full large pizza and Some breadsticks if you haven't eaten earlier in the day if I didn't eat within the past Four or five hours I could eat I could probably eat a pizza in a half. I eat like five burgers at a time

It depends. So you have a crazy metabolism. What wait, do you vomit after or you keep the food in? No, and you don't go like I got a shit How about this? How about exercise? Do you exercise at all? Never? No, see I bet that would kick start the jams Real real fast for you like I'm gonna shit Soon because I ran this morning. Yeah, but I think the fundamental problem from what it sounds like now Not to interrupt. I agree. Your your exercise is a good idea. He's binge eating. So he's going a long time And then he's packing the food in all his calories in one meal. I mean no wonder your system's

But that's sometimes sometimes he does this. No, he's in so you're telling me that otherwise you eat three meals a day Yeah But he also eats a lot of garbage. No, he doesn't know no one's saying he has a winning diet He's definitely not doing this right, but yeah, but I'm trying to just like the exercise would help people people go and they and they You know when they hear somebody say something like this they try to do a dramatic shift and people don't want to do a dramatic shift So the easiest thing to do The I think to make you poop more because you should you say you're drinking water is like just try Let's try like a you know an easy thing like go to the grocery store on the way home

You pick up the fruits you like and metamucil maybe some metamucil That's definitely a good idea metamucil But then like some blueberries some strawberries whatever you chop that up put in a bowl Put some rama up over it put in the fridge and your day you start with some fruits You know and then if you can manage either in the beginning or the end of the day Even like if you don't like working out But like even going for like a 20 minute walk just to get your body moving I mean, and maybe you'll start making caca more, you know

I'll do it. I mean I want you to Hey, have you when you finally do go brown? What's it like? Yeah, does it hurt? Are you pushing? So it doesn't hurt. It's normal, but it's forever What do you mean? It's a lot of poop. I'll flush at least six times You're just you're shitting ropes Just keeps coming but it's a normal brown because it's not backed up And he's not constipated because I was thinking if you're making like pellets like now you're backed up for days The moisture the the water gets sucked out of your poop. So usually get constipated

You're not shitting rocks. You're not shitting rocks. It's logs But it's like six feet worth because you've been backed up for a week Like if I didn't pinch I would put like a like one of those poop emojis one of those would literally be in the toilet Wow God, I almost want to see this. So there is a huge mass of shit We're gonna get so many emails. I know from doctors and stuff people are just gonna be like tom. You're wrong And then yeah, they're just gonna be like tell them this so so do you let me ask you do you ever Do you ever

Have the urge to go in a given day and then you ignore the urge? Maybe are you too busy? Like I know you're switching the show right now. So for instance, maybe maybe you have to feel oh, I'm a tug and then you ignore Is that is that possible? I used to when I was a kid and then it just got less and less and less to where now I might But if I do it'll be a one-time thing and I'll say I could do that, you know In in five or seven days or next week. Yeah, I gotta tell you this does not have a happy ending so We know I'm serious man. I you we've got to you got to try something

Okay, what's what's crazy is I didn't even know that it was weird until I said it here because no I mean, I would hear seriously. Yeah, because I would hear people talk about Oh, you should three times a day or whatever But I also hear people say you should exercise every day and I know right so many yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, right that I thought that that was just a thing that you should do No, no, no you you should not be shitting once every seven days. That's definitely that's real probably very I mean unless some doctor writes it and says hey as long as he does shit And it's a lot he's not gonna say that

Because it's not good to carry that I think toxic waste inside of your body for so long, right? And if you did like even like an awesome big like one thing if you could try Try like a big Mixed green salad you get these greens and you can fill it with everything you like, you know You can chop up mushrooms pepper everything you any veggie you could take and you fill up with that and that doesn't make you shit I mean to me that's you know, I'm I'm twice a day minimum. Oh, this one is disaster. Yeah, I mean, what about in the dark? I don't want to I should a lot. Yeah, he shits constantly. I mean, I shouldn't like, you know

At least twice before I leave for work twice. Yeah, do you drink coffee and shit? Yeah, I mean I drink like three or four cups of coffee before lunch Yeah, yeah, it's a lot. What about cockroach? He shits every day, right? Oh He says he shouldn't find yeah, that's probably the one thing now. Do you want to know Something else disturbing about any he doesn't use condoms. That's just a real dude. I don't I don't I would always Always wait for the instruction, but any it's not in a monogamous relationship. He's out there throwing it around doing it. Yeah You should bro

That's good. That's the way to do it. Are you can I say I mean here's the thing I don't like it. You got to have one for like the winers, you know, that are like but like But I don't volunteer I wouldn't volunteer it like, you know, like, oh, I gotta wrap it up But what about having children that I mean, look forget stds What about, you know, getting someone pregnant pull out game strong, right? Pull out game that's wrong, but But uh, I mean it'll sound bad, but Before I even touch a girl guaranteed. We're gonna have a talk about abortion. We're gonna have a talk about

100% it always comes to, you know, what you think about kids. Oh, yeah. Well, what if you accidentally, you know, would you be down for an abortion? She says, yeah, cool. You want to come to my place? You know what I never got to do Did you ever do you ever have the std talk is something I never ever I was always like, yeah, she's probably clean But like what do you Do you ever have the talk like do you have anything every time? How does it go? Tell me how it goes every time it starts with this. I always say, oh, yeah, you want to know a fun fact I've never won a condom in my life and they're always

Really? How many of you have blah blah blah and then I say, yeah, but you know, I got tested and I'm good and what about you? You get tested and all that So if you feel if you're vibing with someone it leads to that conversation at some point always What about one night hussies Same thing. I don't I don't do where you, you know, meet her at a club and then straight to her place or something You don't even talk. I don't know. Come on. You little funky dog. Stop it. How long so well

How long but so how long do you get to know somebody before you like what's what's getting to know somebody? I mean, it could be one night, but It's still a conversation before he's not just like what's up and then let's let's go Well, we should play this for dr. Drew because he talks about how this generation does not wear condoms And I'm sure you'd have some wise words for you. Yeah, any stronger and better than any generation to be bad Well, our dads definitely don't wear rubbers. No, that is considered the greatest generation and those guys were fucking savages Yes, my dad. I told I told this story on stage before My dad

One time it was just a random. I was like, oh, I know what it was. It was that I was talking about, you know, you think of like Something in modern times and you're like, I wonder when this first came out Like when when was it introduced to society and I go Did condoms become popular when you were in high school or college? Thinking that that's when it had to come out and he goes, I don't know. I've never worn a condom And I was like what because I know about his history of dating and I go You just pulled out on everyone. He goes. Oh, I've never pulled out

and I'm like I go, so you just fucking dumped loads into women for decades and he was like, I don't talk like that. But yeah No, my dad dumps clips too, of course your dad, of course I'm sure I have sisters in Colombia, Philippines, Thailand. Yeah, I know I'm waiting for it Every time that 23 and me email comes in like you have new relatives. I'm like for sure And by the way for sure my dad like, you know, pretty Hardcore Catholic

If if any of any of those girlfriends had gotten pregnant, he would have been like I'm we're married. That's your mom Yep, but it just so happened and this is like every girl that he like dated for a couple years I'm like you just you just always busted nuts in there. He's like, mm-hmm Now any I will say though, let's say you're drinking and you're partying and The pull-out game absolutely. I hey man, we've done the pull-out game too and so far. Hey knock on wood, but I mean, you might be partying. It might be a little dark. You know what I mean? Like what if you haven't taken a shit in a week Off your game and uh, you know what I mean? Like it's not a hundred percent and

It's not foolproof and you're not with the same bitch every time I don't know. I'm just concerned about you and what about, you know, all the other things herpes, warts All that stuff sometimes women have it. They don't even know and they're giving it to you Why would they not know if they're not testing? Why are you trying to talk to me? Well, I mean General warts sometimes can incubate for seven years before it shows up Um, she could have contracted something before I mean, how do you know she got tested right away?

Could have been a while and she's had other partners since I feel like big-time Tommy would be really mad at you right now I'm just saying like you are not you are not keeping it OS right now I can't if I cannot in good faith tell any that Let me tell you how it goes If a girl looks clean, she probably is it's not she's a hoe She's nasty. Oh my god, and josh potter doesn't wear condoms either. Of course, but he doesn't bust clips So i'm not too worried about that No in terms of getting somebody pregnant, but you got you you animals can get all kinds of diseases from his hose

I am really excited about Is there any further development with the girl that said she's going to Meet josh. Have you guys communicated? Is that a thing? I mean, I'm waiting. I'm waiting for a time to for a date to send her out to I'm just But I mean, have she have you communicated? Yeah, we've communicated that she's won the contest. Okay So we've got to pick a city. We just got to pick a time and a place to fly her out and then it'll happen Was she excited? Did she convey any excitement at winning? I was the most excited I've ever seen anybody in email form Really? Yeah, she was really stoked

Wow All right. See now. Nicole Byer Uh, was he has this error this time? I don't know has an error. No. Well, she has some thoughts on it You'll see it in a future episode. Yeah. I don't want to spoil it, but okay. Well, we got to pick a city, man We got to pick a city soon for uh Jackie that's her name Jackie from canada

All right. Well, I hope uh, you keep you know eating well and I hope you can poop one day. I don't know we're gonna get so many people writing in doctors telling us what's going on with any So let's just let those trickle in and we'll we'll follow up with him because I do feel like if he Did add some like you said fruits and vegetables in the diet exercise. Yeah, maybe even some caffeine It might help push things out. Yeah, you know that somebody uh Saw footage of Burt In a parking lot. No, you seen this?

Buddy just dropped his beard damn Oh, they're all broke Oh, fuck, they're all broke Every fucking single one of them That's such a bummer Burt drops his beard. They all break and then he gets really pissed. Yeah Fuck I'd be the same way. Yeah, me too. Oh you start You start drinking there Damn damn homie be like cracked a can

Is it a can he busted the whole can? Yeah, that's such a bummer He's pretty unstable He's starting to drink like whatever you can salvage salvage We're going in That's I fucking hey man He ever gotten groceries and he dropped that shit in the driveway and that's like, oh man, I've broken Fucking bottles of wine when we were poor eggs Eggs oh man

I broke a thing of kimchi and it was like hard to find kimchi and they finally fucking had it the store and then it broke Oh my god, dammit Fuck They're all busted up and he's drinking whatever's in them. Yeah, I would too Oh, shit, that guy spent his last few dollars on that beer. You know it. Well, I'll drink him up buddy. Just save him then He's fucking really drinking him if uh If you saw that guy and you're walking by would you go buy him a hundred thousand percent you would I'd be like, bro Here's 20. Yeah, we'll get you another

Yeah Yeah It's a humane or you know, be like you go like I'll hook you up and you walk in and you come back out with gatorade It's the first quetcher. Yeah, it's really gotta stay fucking hot out. He's like fuck you Right be great. Yeah, that's like giving homeless people your leftovers Somebody said that to me the other day I was alley We were here and then we were done eating and I just had a bunch of leftovers She's like should we give these to homeless people? I'm like they kind of don't want your leftovers

I feel like they want money, you know Once I'm in Hollywood I I walked away from this restaurant with a salad like a big full salad and there was a homeless guy sitting on the curb And I walked up to him. I go, hey man Do you are you hungry? And he's like, yeah, and I go check this out and I open the lid And I put my fork in there and I I flipped out all the olives because I hate olives I go you can eat that

Wow, and then I took my salad home It's a beautiful star But I gave him all the all I hate olives you hate the black olives the most I hate I hate all olives I That was the most beautiful story. Yeah, I've never heard Tom. You're welcome. How long are we at? Fucking hate all Oh, I like the green ones. You don't like the green ones. I hate olives What's funny to me is somehow the green one my palate can

Tolerate olive oil, you know like that, but chewing up. I mean I gag I nearly vomit No, there's just a flavor and black olives that are disgusting The green ones too, even the good ones the garlic stuffed ones from trade. There's joe any even those have you tried the garlic stuff I've tried olives in all colors. I don't like them. I fucking hate olives once you fucking cry about it I am crying about it right now. I gave him to a homeless guy Can I tell you one thought before we go? Yeah, so we were with our friend Brendan Having dinner the other night. Yep, and he brought up such an interesting point You know when somebody says something and you haven't thought about it your whole life, but then they articulate

The thought that yes, perfect. Yeah We were talking about going to the bathroom and farting while peeing And he said he said, you know, you can't stop a fart when you're peeing Because it uses the same muscle And like my fucking brain exploded at the dinner table And I I never have you ever thought of it that way before. Yeah, no, I've thought about it Yeah, I've never thought of it. So it's a good one for you to share with dr. Group too. I think

It's like when you pee and then you brown and then there's more pee after you brown and you're like, how does that even happen? Yeah, but then this is why so many people machine gun fart as they pee Yep, I mean you can Clench the fart from coming out, but then you stop peeing right So you it's like you have to choose between two forces and then you can open the pee valve again You can stop the fart right and then go and then pee Yeah, I mean you there's so many farts in a men's room at the urinals right a lot of times there's got You're like, hey man

It's like that one's not out But can we please this is a question for dr. Drew dr. Drew Is it in fact the same muscle that when you yearn that that is there? I could tell you he's real happy to be back. He's gonna be really happy to be back here Is it the same muscle that controls the farts that controls the pee? I don't think it is but it's in the same region which makes it difficult because your anus is different than your Uh urethra and the muscles around there, but it's along the same. I gotta go. It's the same circadian rhythm. I understand anyway, thank you brendon for that

Insightful wisdom very talented guy um Okay, this was a lot of fun. I'm gonna go pee in machine gun fart. What do you get to do? I'm gonna do the same Um, thank you guys for listening and for watching here is did some shit to my oj by chris d. Hope you enjoy it Thanks. We'll see you next week Oh Listen Hey listen