Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 510-Nicole Byer-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 31, 2019

Mommy Tina is back but so is the cockroach as Panty Aggregation is discussed. Plus Robert Paul Champagne has started his adventure into youtube and it's glorious. Christina provides perhaps the most special round of TikToks we've seen yet and Tom explains a follow up to the tree trimming video. Nicole Byer is a comedian who knows her way around a toilet. Check out what she did to a specific one. GO OFF QUEEN! Nicole talks about starting out on the hit MTV show Girl Code and then jumping right into headlining colleges. Her 2nd set ever was a show for Rutgers University! We also run Nicole through the Cool Guy Club in order to find her a potential suitor. Nicole also has some words of advice for Josh Potter in his quest.

I mean, do you think, do you think Josh is like having fun with it? Like, do you think he's like, you know, I can't see and I don't want you to see either? Like, is that what he's doing when he does this? You're still so, I will say that he does. I mean, the irony, right? Like the irony of a guy with real vision problems being like, fuck you, you read this shit. You read the way I read it now.

Yeah. Do you think that's what he's really doing? Of course. Sticking it to us, sighted people. Of course. Yeah. Take it, take it personally. He's saying like, look what I've been through for years.

Yeah. It's normal that you take it personally. Yeah. I mean, that's, it's obvious. He obviously is trying to stick it to us. That's what he's doing. It's resentment.

00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,920 What do you think he resents you for that jacket, perhaps? The jacket. Do you feel like you, can I tell you when I used to wear that jacket? When? When I worked at the Department of Public Safety. Are you going to do Charlie unit or dispatch? Everybody guess real quick how much this jacket cost. Oh my gosh.

Take a guess. Seriously. Let's see. I'm going to say a grand. Oh my God. All right. A little lower. I just want to guess is, I don't know.

I'm going to say, I don't know. Two, 250. Okay. Like 900. Me? Yeah, I guess. All right. I'm going to go, this is ridiculous.

It's got, you can't see it, but it's got like camouflage. I think they can see it. Can you see the camo? You can't see the camo at all. It doesn't read on the camera. It just looks like a real tight black jacket. It's not tight at all. And shiny.

Don't forget. You know what? I should describe for the listeners. I apologize. It looks like a baggy windbreaker, but black. And it's what kind of what Ice Cube wears an NWA, right? Am I right? An NWA.

You mean this is what Ice Cube wore 25 years ago? Right. Like doesn't he, and straight out of Compton, like wasn't he, wasn't Ice Cube wearing jackets similar to the shiny? I don't know. But you do look like you've got your windbreaker on and you're going to go out and traffic. You're going to do Charlie unit.

You're going to take it cars. You might work dispatch later. Dispatch. University of San Francisco. I wore the same one at the Department of Public Safety. My work study job. So who? So who?

Stupid. How much is it? I'm going to say 500. Well, the truth is I don't remember. But, but, but any and Josh were the closest. Are you kidding me? No, I'm not kidding. Don't do that again.

Well, you know what? I didn't even really like it. I was just like, yeah, who cares? Can you return it? No, it's too late. This is terrible. It's terrible. You think it's terrible?

Silly. What is this? I've worn on stage. Okay. You know, I got, I got, I got some. Next time run it by me before you make the purchase. Yeah, I don't like to do that. Yeah.

It's my job. I'm your woman. I have to tell you when you look like a ice cube. Ice cube. Yeah. You think it's a bad jacket? Yeah.

Really? It doesn't fit you. Well, it's too big. It's kind of baggy and weird, but you know, yeah, whatever. He likes it. You know what? If any gives me the thumbs up on anything,

I'm going to take his advice. Oh, okay. Never mind. On fashion? What do I know? No, he's the aficionado. Come on. He's the model.

He's our fashion guy. He told me my shoes were cool today. Like, here's the way it works. If any goes, I like it. Then I'll be like, that's cool. And if Josh goes, I don't like it. I'll be like, that's cool too. You know?

That's the way I would choose my fashion. That's how, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. But I do like your dad glasses. You do? Those are the new ones, and I really like those. Yeah, I like them too.

And I like your Silver Fox beard. It's very cute. I'm trying to look for this. Doesn't even register. You like my beard. Did you see that? I was caught. How many women have been with their husbands

for 15 years and two children are like, I adore you. I think you're handsome. I love you. I like why you're looking today. There's not a wife in America who dotes on you like I do. Who loves you like I do.

That's true. That's true. Look at ignoring. No, that's true. I agree. I mean. I think it's true. I adore this man.

I think it's true. I think you love me. A lot. I don't weigh 500 pounds, which I could easily. I tried to. You don't think I love you? Well, not like I adore. Well, how do I love you?

You do. You farted yesterday on the way to the bathroom. I do that for my best friend. You squeezed your butt cheeks and made it sound like a flute. Okay, let's see what this is. I'm so upset Stranger Things is over, but. We'll get into it in a minute. Okay.

Look at her. Girl, come on. She wants to go home. It's Friday night. Uh-uh. I lose you. I'm choking. No, you're not choking.

No, listen. Listen to me. I'm choking. No. Come on. Come on. I'm choking on a big, fat, black dick. No.

This is a big time. Always right. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn when the fuck is dead. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura, Tom Sutsuru, and Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi.

Welcome to your mom's house. Shh. Oh my god. I'm so bored of it already. I can't. Let's get to the fun. Well, now that the most fun part of the show is over, let's go on. I'll tell you something.

I'll never, ever get tired of somebody coming out of surgery and not knowing what they're saying. Yeah, it's a good lane for videos. It really is fun. It really is. And the thing is, it's fun when it's a kid, a teenager, an adult, an old person. Or like an old obese person.

Yeah, it's great. Yeah, they don't have to be, but yeah. I don't know why I like obese people in that. Yeah, it's great, man. Now, I've been under anesthesia once for my wisdom teeth, but I think they let you kind of sober up before they put you in the wheelchair and let you out. A little bit, but it might have some lasting effect.

She's ripped, right? She's totally ripped. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. It's great. Yeah, it's great. Did she put on all that eye makeup before she got put on her? I think so.

Probably. I don't think it was during, while she was under. Never gets old. It doesn't get old, man. None of that stuff. I love it. I love it. It actually brings to mind something.

So, you know, a few weeks ago, we played the tree trimming accident. Yes. And when we saw the video, at first I was like, this is just a crazy freak accident and someone's getting kind of hurt. And then during the show, we actually thought he was decapitated. Yeah. Which was not good. Then it became verified that he is actually alive.

So that guy did not get decapitated. That's good. But he had a horrific, horrific injury. Like one of the worst things I've ever seen. And I got to tell you something, man, it fucked me up. Like seeing it and seeing the look in that guy's eyes was horrible. And I know there's people who watch the show that think I'm a fucking maniac and that I just want to see.

But like there's a difference. There's a difference between like, you know, like we played recently, we played that guy on the scooter. Remember that? I think he was in 509. So here's the thing is like, the guy on the scooter falls, right? On the skateboard. He falls, but like you see him get hurt, but you don't like,

you see that he's all right. You know what I mean? Oh shit, he's dead! He's dead. And his friend goes, he's dead. You all right? And plus he's, he's sturdy. He's like a big, he's got me on his bones.

Yeah. Like broken and he gets up and he walks, he's fine. Well, just like, because people send me shit all the time. And they'll be like, this is cool. This guy loses his arms and like, I don't, that's not what I'm talking. Like it's like, I laugh at like, there's a reason we all, a lot of us found jackass funny. Right.

Like jackass, they do things that are stupid. They get hurt, but they don't get like, you know, their life's not over. And it's a, it's voluntary. So they know what they're getting into. They volunteer to do the gag. And it's like the three stooges where you know that. Totally. Nobody's going to really come out of it hurt.

And like the big, like, you know, the famous ones that I've laughed at. Yeah. I mean, the car in the garage is, it's bad. Yeah, it's bad. But like, I laugh, I don't see anything. You know, I don't see gore. I don't see blood. Right.

I don't see, and then we even got follow-up to that. That guy actually didn't have lasting damage. That's good. So it's like, I don't know. I'm just making the point that like, there's a difference. There's a difference, you know? Like I laugh at like, yes, I laugh at somebody screaming. I laugh at what appears to be an oh shit moment.

Right. Someone trips and falls off a thing gets hit. Sure. Sure. But dude, that fucking video that I encourage you to not look it up unless you really have a stomach for that stuff. I don't like that stuff. The tree trimming thing.

Like I, I thought it was just like whoop. And then a guy falls. It's the worst catastrophic injury I've ever seen. So what you're saying is you're not as big of a sociopath as everybody's. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, I cannot watch it. And like I don't, I don't like, I don't look up gore death things.

I don't. Yeah. Well, yeah. No, but I'm making the point that's a lane. You're making the distinction between gore and death and like funny knowing that they're okay and they're going to get up and walk away. Yeah. I don't want to see someone die.

I don't want to see somebody. Decapitated. I don't want to see someone disemboweled. I don't want like that to me. Is it like, ha ha. See now he's dead or at least you'll be dead soon. Like that's not. Yeah.

That's not, I don't know. To me, I think most people get that. But you always have to explain that. This, I'm telling you this image will live in my nightmares. It's, it's so you saw it. I know it's so harsh. Yeah, you made me watch it. I'm sorry.

Yeah, you sent it to me and like I said, I'm afraid to click on this and you said click on it. Yeah. And then afterwards it was determined that it was straight up gore. Yeah. You probably shouldn't show it. But it's the worst thing, right? It's, yeah, it's nightmare fuel. It's, it's, it's the worst thing.

Yeah. Fucking die, man. See, cause Tom's always listening to like people fighting. Like we're, we're laying in bed and I'm on my TikTok and he's watching people fighting, hitting, hey, check out this fun fight at Disneyland. And like I don't want to fucking, I don't want to fill my mind with this garbage. You know what I mean? At least what I'm looking at, it's artistic.

People are trying to be creative. It's not just violence. You know what I mean? I'm trying to elevate the human race, Tom. Trying to bring people together. So woop. So woop. Yeah.

So what does that mean again? It means like bloods represent. It's not my dad, I don't know. Bloods. Bloods. Fake ass. Fake ass motherfucker. You want to see him again?

I fucking love that guy. Bring it back. Why don't we relive it? I think there's a, it's, oh, it's in the other one. I think I could find that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, um, I'm just getting used to the controls again. Are you excited?

You're back? Of course I'm excited. I'm very excited to get to a few things. This public announcement goes out to all you bitch ass niggas that motherfucker claim that I'm a false blood bitch. Call me out and see if I'm a fucking false blood. You niggas don't work no rec. Sulu bitch ass niggas.

I really like this one. You really like this one. Yeah, it's fucking great. I love this guy. Yeah. What do you like about it specifically? I like that he's a motionless matter of fact about what he's like. He's actually upset, but he's not freaking out.

And I don't know. I just, I love the Subaru thing because I don't hear that all the time. I was, I was watching this TikTok when we were laying in bed and it caught your ear. It did? And you go, yeah. And you go, what's that one? I got some TikTok. I was going to, I was going to swipe to the next.

But the fact that you, it piqued your interest. I would go, okay, well, I got to stay on this lane. So now I'm, I'm getting into gangbangers later. That's my next lane. That's for the next episode. I don't have it prepared for today, but. Well, there was also the, uh, what's it the, like the best story I've ever heard in my life. That was on there too.

Do you want to play that one again? I got, oh, he loves it. See, I knew you would like that one. I actually, I'll tell you something. You would like that one. I watched it last night again. No, Tom made me find that guy's profile. And then we went through his catalog and he really liked it.

Well, it's such a good story. That's the thing. I want to, I want to, he tells a good story. That's what I love. Do you want to play it again for people? Do you have it? I mean, I can't wait to show it to Drew. I'm going to show it to Dr. Drew.

Tell me if you don't think it's a good story. And also the hairbrush eating. That's the craziest shit I've ever seen. I might want to see that guy's injury over watching that lady eat fucking hairbrushes. I like the lady. I've been watching that. Like eating a hairbrush?

God damn. Yeah. We'll show them again. Here he is. Oh, this might not be the right one. It's after it. I prepped them in a minute. All right, story time.

So many times. So, me and my friend were at a party, you know. Okay. At a friend's house and he made a check. He could never tell somebody, he could never tell if a check to a man or a woman's don't punch. Don't punch.

And you know, he got a pretty lucky draw. And he took this check down to my friend's basement and fell in the house, you know. Oh my god. And then, you know, he pulled down the girl's pants at a seven inch long. And he ran out and he ran out of housing. Oh, I'm not gay.

I'm not gay. Found out the guy's name's Susie. Nickname's Susie. That's a funny story. Well, I like the punch, the tag on the punch line. Yeah. The tag is the spittle. He has a lot of saliva around his mouth

on his other stories too. A lot of saliva down his chin, around his mouth. Like I'm not sure what's happening. So one of the things I've... What do you think? What's going on? Well, hold on. There's something.

I don't know what's going on there. There's a big thing right now where people are talking to us because Robert Paul Champagne is not on Instagram. It's upsetting. I don't like it. People. I don't know if he'll be back by the time this airs, but his Instagram is down.

He has, though, joined YouTube. Now, one of the things I'd like to start with, if you don't mind, is his choice in titling the video. Nadav, I don't know if you can... Can you read the title of that video? Yeah, I would love to. The title of this video is 58483996681 space F8DB7CC3 space B6. Okay, we're good.

So I don't know what that's all about, but it's a pretty cool title for a video. I'm guessing the default, right? It is. Is that what that is? A little video. And Robert has... One thing I'm really happy with, he posted this video.

He's got a little bit of a new look going on. Yes, he looks great. Hair looks a little different, face looks a little different, and he's rocking some YMH merch. Which is very exciting. One of the gifts that Josh bestowed upon him. He's wearing in this. Can you click this for a second?

Well, hold on. Before I... I want to say in the documentary, when Josh gave him the merch, he didn't seem that excited. About receiving it. He seemed a little... He gave a kind of an eye roll. Oh, that's true.

Yeah, yeah. It's like you're rolling your eyes, and now you're like, oh, I'm wearing it. Well, I'm excited to see that he's come around. Yeah. And he's had to come to Jesus on his merch. I'm excited to see this. I haven't seen it.

Hi. And that might be our camera, right? Lucifer's layer. And here I am. What's going on? You can see I'm wearing a shirt again. See, I got the shirt. You see I'm wearing the shirt.

It says, as we're looking forward, guys, I come over and Xcon or Doug, you see? Got the whole thing on. You can read it. Okay. It's up there for you to read. So I'm just by myself here walking around. It looks great.

And we're going to go through this room. Okay. Because it's really... We're going to go to see. Let's go through the house and stuff. See, I'm using the iPhone though. Here's my hallway. That's not his phone.

That's ours. Oh, wow. Look at his place. That's what we gave him. Great. This is the whole... Thank God he started using the iPhone. It looks so much better already.

It's a lot of stuff in that hall. It's a lot of stuff. But he's proud of his antiques. No, I know he is. Yeah. So then he gives like a house tour. And then he gets right back to the message. Trying to fuck.

Who wants to fuck? Oh, look at his dolls. Yeah. Things like that. No, I want to see. Don't fall. I like his wears. I didn't get to see.

This is going out Friday. And it's got to be totally free. Okay. So you got to come out and get it. Okay. Because I've got a lot of things I want to try to go. Okay. Are they using this Coney Island thing on Friday?

Yeah. I'm going to show you a cabin as I got. With stuff that you're going to... If you think that beauty stuff. See everything in here. Okay. Perfumes. They put it over here.

Mask over here. I got a lot of stuff done. A lot of nice stuff, you know. And I don't know what to do with it. Because you've got to hold on to it. There he is. That is nice back to the fucking man. I want to come over.

You know, in 2395, Wagner House, apartment 2C124th and 1st Avenue, East Harlem, 718-930-9723. You look great. Anything goes from mile to wild to kink. And I'm here. And this was open door policy. Open door, open door, hot open door, hot open door. Come and get it.

Thugs, punks, homeless guys. Anything goes from mile to wild to kink. Come over, 2395 Wagner House. Wow. Same. Yeah. And if you scroll forward like 30 seconds. Pop me to C124.

Come on over. If you haven't got a place to live, you got to bang. And then I'll give you at least a key. You got to bring a friend considering I could, I could take three guys in. So let me know. Three guys. Knock on a door.

Yeah. Bang the door. Man, bang the door. You want to come over here and come check it out. But I'm here not just doing nothing actually. Okay. I'm done. Pop me to C124, the first avenue.

We're good. So there you go. He looks, I have to say. And that's a lot better in this video. Uh-oh. That's the old position. Yeah, wait a minute. If you go to the top, the very top one.

Well, let's see the old position, new video. That's the old position right there. That's the original position. Hi. Welcome to my show. Welcome to Lucifer's hot lair. Jesus Christ. Okay, you guys are hot.

I'm going to come over. Yeah, you want to get down and dirty. He's got a new camera. Wow. That's pretty cool. It's gotten too fused. Too fused so far. Yeah.

Just put it up. Oh, ow, ow. Gentle, gentle. I'm going to get kinky. Let me know. You know where I'm at 2395. Jesus Christ. Same message every day.

I mean, he has to have gotten some bites on this by now. I mean, we've given him so much of this platform. Somebody please go over and have sex with this man for the love of God. Is there nobody out there? Is there nobody out there in the kink? Black guys out of jail? I don't know.

I don't know. What, I mean, what more do we have to do to get him laid? There's more to do. Yeah, let's stop down for a minute and let's bring our very own Josh Potter in here. It's everyone's favorite moment on your mom's house podcast. Our very own Josh Potter joins us.

Now. It's where we're talking. So funny. This just greases the gears that sound, doesn't it? So time to laugh. Is it a vindictive thing? Are you trying to, you're trying to prove a point

when you print it really small for us? You fuckers with your eyes, you know, make them work. Do you resent us? Sort of, yeah. I do. I can read it. I'll do the ads. I'll do the ads.

No way. Hell yeah, put it on a tiny ass one. I'll do it. It's so small, dude. I know, I'm sorry. I'll make it bigger. Okay. But you're not doing it to be like, fuck you.

No. It's definitely, I'll explain later. Okay. Okay. It's not on purpose. Okay. All right, I thought you were like, really trying to take a jab at us, you know?

No, no, no. Why would I do that with the ads? I don't know. I thought it was like your little way of kind of just sticking it in, you know? You fuckers with your eyes. Yeah, that's what I thought. I don't take it personally.

Oh, I took it really personally. I think it's because he can't see very well and he's in charge of printing out our copy. And we probably shouldn't have the guy who can't see very well. Honestly, it is, it's more of a, I just don't know what it's like to see. So I figure I'm like, well, they got eyes, they can see this. Oh, I got you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you see this? I can't do it, but can I see that? Can you read that? I couldn't possibly read that, no. No, okay. No. At the DMV, my father would have read that to me

and then I would have got my license. Babe, is this what you read to me yesterday? Well, yeah, that's the second part. So I should go back to- This, before we get into Josh's news, he's got- Well, there was a- Oh my God, this is the best thing I've ever- There's nothing that kind of summed up

how I felt about this, like this. I can't read it. Okay, I'll read it to you. Thank you, please. So a little while ago, it was International Non-Binary Day and I feel like this kind of summarized a lot of people's feelings. So this person wrote a reminder

for International Non-Binary Day that all my trans comics, comics meaning comics that they draw, right? Comic books. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So all my comics are about my transition as a non-binary person. My personal transition looks a lot like a trans man's and I'm glad that my comics are relatable to most trans masks.

But my transition as a whole is not binary. My life as a mid-transition trans mask non-binary person is being primarily misgendered as a woman in real life and being primarily misgendered as a man online. The gender binary truly will not free me from its gross clutches and one last note. I use trans masks to describe my transition in a way that doesn't have me use my assigned sex directly,

i.e. the term AFAB. My pronouns are not interchangeable with binary ones. My pronouns are they, them exclusively. I just thought that was a nice kind of summary. Yeah, it's good that it's finally concise the message. Well, it's a clarify things a little. Right, it makes it that. It definitely just opened my eyes to everything.

Well, and provided some clarification, much needed. For everybody, yeah. Hi, I'm Q. The world's first genderless voice assistant. Think of me like Siri or Alexa, but neither male nor female. I'm created for a future where we are no longer defined by gender, but rather how we define ourselves.

00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:20,880 My voice was recorded by people who neither identify as male nor female and then altered to sound gender neutral, putting my voice between 145 and 175 hertz, arranged defined by audio researchers. That's good because I'm sick of Alexa telling me she's a woman all the time, you know? Right. It's annoying. It is annoying.

I actually think they should tweak this voice a little bit. I think it sounds feminine. I do too. I do too. Well, that's because you're that's your just your cis gendered privilege. Privilege. Yeah, that's leaking in. You don't want to don't succumb to that feeling.

But for me to become a third option for voice assistants, I need your help. Share my voice with Apple, Amazon, Google and Microsoft. And together we can ensure that technology recognizes us all. Thanks for listening. Yeah. I mean, I think Q is a great concept. I like I love what they're doing. I just feel like I would like the voice to be sort of dialed in a little more.

And I mean, you know, I just I don't know how many times I have to tell people that. Well, what's your idea of a genderless voice? Well, I just feel like it should be tweaked. It's a it does. It is leaning a little feminine. I hear it too. And honestly, that kind of upsets me when I have to hear like, oh, this is clearly a feminine voice.

Right. Like with Alexa, it upsets you. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like that. What about Siri? Very upsetting. More upsetting.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I like on Waze is that you can adjust the type of voice. And I I choose boy band. I mean, I don't like to call it boy band. That is gendering them as well. But there is like a fun thing. You can put a dog voice on some of those things.

And then I feel like I'm listening to an animal talk. The Dava's DJ Khaled tell us how to go. Is there really? Yeah. It's wild. It's pretty good. He's he's he's a male, by the way. He is.

Oh, I heard. You know what's neat is preparing for our one year old's birthday party. And at Party City, it was an entirely gender. You know, I didn't talk through that. Yeah. I wanted to give me the respect I deserved. Thank you. What if that's the type of boss you were like every time you belched,

we all had to stop like in a meeting, stop talking. I think we are like. But nobody could smile or laugh. Nope. We have to stare. And then we have to acknowledge it. Thank you. And then we move on.

Thank you. And I tell you, I do it as I'm telling you that you got a mark on your file. Fucked up this week. Thank you, sir. OK. But wait, there's a segment. There's a section of Party City for the one year old's birthday party that you can have a gender neutral.

That's such a good idea. What kind of decorations do they just have orbs? What's in there? Orbs are feminine ovaries, mammary glands. Orbs? Absolutely. You don't see women when you see orbs. It could mean balls.

But they're yellow and gray, the colors like that. Yellow and gray. Yeah. It doesn't say like birthday boy. Like that is strictly. Of course not. You do not say birthday. Birthday X.

Birthday person. Birthday child. I see. That kind of thing. Yeah. And in fact, I accidentally bought some cups that say, you know, birthday boy. And I'm going to have those. I'm going to have Ally scratch the word boy out.

Or just send them back to them in the trash. I don't know. I don't know that. I don't know that. I don't know that you recycle them, Tom. I don't know that you should be saying birthday child either. What if your child identifies as a teenager or as an elderly person? That's true.

Wait a minute. That's agist. Yeah. Oh my god, you're right. I totally don't want to be an agist. Yeah, that's silly. Don't do that. And I feel like, I mean, I don't know if I'm out of line saying this,

but I feel like our youngest identifies as Asian, you know? Why do you say that about Julian? Just there's little things he does. Transracial. Yeah. Like what? Things with his voice. I'm like, the fuck are you saying, you know?

And I just feel like it's kind of, he has, he's drawn to that culture more. Well, then we need to respect that decision. Of course we do. Of course it's transracial, baby. Have you started giving him chopsticks instead of a fork in order to eat? I have. So now it doesn't go well right now. But I think that in a while, you know, and he's consenting more to diaper changes,

which is good. That's one of the things you're supposed to do. That was a hard thing for him. I mean, he still can't talk. So to get consent for diaper changes can take up to an hour to two hours at a time. How long does he sit in a soil diaper before he consents? Like three weeks or? He can, he can sit days.

As long as he needs. You know what it reminds me of? It reminds me the most of this. I feel scared. No, I don't like it. I can't. No. No.

Nope. So I did a little. What is that? What is that? That's his mouth. The air coming out of it. Yeah, I didn't know. What?

I don't like it at all. This I researched. I researched. Yeah. Found out non-binary. He seems to present as a male. They present however you say. I don't know.

But don't let this fool you. None. Do you like your nips tweaked? I mean, I don't know. A little bit of fun. Wait, what trans mask are you wearing? Why is trans mask? What is that?

Transmasculine. Oh, trans mask. Josh, do you like having this on your nipples? I don't. I actually am against nipple play on myself. Yeah, it hurts. I'm not, they're too sensitive, you know. I'm not into it.

This guy really fucking works. I mean, he's got some, he's got some dead nerve. By the way, how do you feel about seeing Robert using the iPhone? I'm so excited. I was scared when his Instagram went away. I talked to him this past weekend. There was a power outage in New York City,

so I called to check on, make sure he was okay in the power outage he was. And then his Instagram disappeared and I was concerned. And then he resurfaced on YouTube and he's using the phone. And I think he's thriving. He's wearing the shirts. But no explanation as to what happened to the Instagram. I think he's in Instagram jail, but we'll find out. So can we, this is a perfect segue.

He may be in Instagram jail. We mentioned that who we featured on our show, Feet by Kay with three E's for a triple dose of them feet. She was kicked off Instagram, created a backup Instagram account, had that taken away, then came back to it. And then we were mentioning that she's on Twitter, Feet by Kay. And then you were like, you know what? I don't know if Twitter's the right place either.

I said, what do you mean? Yeah, see the thing is with all of these, with both Instagram and Twitter, they don't have the exact same policies when it comes to terms of service and things like that and having these types of accounts. But they operate in a way where if someone complains about you, then they look into it. And that is the only time that they look into an account. So it takes someone flagging you essentially.

So if you have a person who's out to get you, sounds like this woman did, and you're updating, you're making a new profile, and you're connecting your contacts and things like that. I also noticed some women out there, I'll get into this later, connecting their contacts on their phone to their Feet account. That's a no-no unless you don't care that your boss's daughter or whatever comes across here. Wait, explain that again. What are you saying?

You know how you can sync your contacts on Instagram when you create a profile so that it can notify people that you might know that you exist and they can add you then? Oh, really? So they're doing it with their fetish accounts? Yes. Bad idea. Yeah, that's not good.

It's not a good idea, no. I mean, unless you want to get... I mean, hey, maybe you're just a freak and you want it out, and you want it out there, that's fine too. That's a lane to go down. But what do you... Okay, so we understand... Like, so somebody could complain about one of the Feet accounts.

Yes. How is that a violation though? Was that a violation in some way? I think it's because of the solicitation. But I'm not certain how they worded there. Robert, you think it's probably because of his lives, right? Because his Feet, even though it's kind of male erotic, I don't know that he actually...

He doesn't post nudity in his Feet. Right, it's in the lives and there is some nudity in those. What kind of nudity? What kind of... All of it. I mean, the nudist of nudity, the limits that you can read. I mean, his... And then there's some urine.

Yeah, he's drinking piss. The piss drinking is probably a violation of the community guidelines. I think it's more about his dick being out probably. Yeah, that would probably do it. Yeah. Okay. Well, you can't put your dick out on YouTube either, so I worry that he's going to get pulled sooner or later.

I think he might, for some reason, know, for some reason about YouTube being not friendly with that. I don't know. What medium would you suggest that Robert Paul Champagne will go to? Well, let me tell you. Yeah. There is. We were, by the way, before you get into this.

We were casually talking about this the other day before doing a show and Josh started to lecture us about where this should go. Well, what you need to do is... There are sites such as many vids, only fans, girlfund.com, sites like this where an amateur or a professional, either way, it doesn't matter your level of experience. Yeah. They can go and you can create an account. And on there, you can do whatever you want.

You can keep things private. People can pay monthly memberships. You can also have people pay you for custom content. Which sounds like a win for girls. So, but you cited specifically the fans one, right? Only fans is one that's used pretty predominantly when it comes to adult actresses and you're run of the mill whore. You know what I mean?

Everyone from that to that is using... Now, wait a minute. Yeah. I mean, these are working girls. Well, no, yes. But we were encouraging these panty sellers and everything to do it. I think... You think only fans is the way to go.

If you are starting to deal in a mass quantity and your base is growing and you're starting to have a bit more revenue come in, it's best to start an only fans account because then you can keep your revenue all in one place, you know? And then you can use your socials to promote your only fans account. You can put up teases and things like that. So you're not in violation of the terms. And also you can get people to connect with you on that, you know? How many people do you need?

How many fans do you need to start like a members only? Even one. Even one. One other thing, though. You also... You made a great point when we were talking about this, about the verbiage for... Yes. Could you reshare that?

Yes. So when you're creating your brand, you want the type of verbiage that would attract the clientele that you're looking to attract, right? So if you want a high-end clientele, maybe your top tier big fish, so to speak, you're trying to get just maybe four or five of those big fish, you know? So they could spend a lot of money on you. You want to use words like worn or slightly used, things like that. Or soiled?

Well, soiled is a different type of gentleman who would be into that. What's the soiled guy like? That guy is a little lower level. You might not get as much money out of him in one shot. How did we know this? Wait a minute. Now, hold on. I would think that soiled would be more desirable.

If you're looking for just worn or gently used... But it's all about... Again, it's all about the words. But the all... Soil implies a lot of use, which might be more desirable. I also think that soiled is a slightly more sophisticated word. So I would have imagined that that attracts the higher clientele. No, you see, soiled is indicating that you are maybe urinating in them.

Not just regular. Maybe you have some other lady juices of... Maybe some poopy. You know, whatever. I mean, you could go hog wild when it comes to soiled. Used or gently worn is like a jog. Maybe you're running an errands in the grocery store. You're farting a little.

A little bit of farting. If I were to go in the Panty World branding ways, I would have different categories. Like this is my office job, nine to five pair. This is my gym pair. These are my... This is great ideas. These are great.

Like a day at the beach. Yep. These are all fantastic. See, and they can all have stories behind them. That's why you're a businesswoman, Christina. You understand the facets. And I'm not expecting everybody to have the acumen that you do for... I'm giving the suggestions to whoever wants. Right. No, that's great tips.

And I'm saying start small, though. You know, find who's into you and what type of person they are and cater to your base out of the gate just to get some money in. And then you can expand on ideas once you have that income, because then you have to fund... Some women, they think, I got to buy the sexiest lingerie to sell. Oh, no. I wouldn't.

Yeah. Go to Target. Buy a bag of cotton stuff. Go on a few jogs and then pop them into a... Seal that shit up and pop them out in the mail. Yeah. Like I would do one hour of Pilates underwear. And that's another one.

I went to the mall in these. And sorry, I don't mean to take up all the time with this, but I think another thing people are skittish about is mailing their panties. They think it's a crime. A way to do that is to... Maybe you hire a gentleman in your life or something. Maybe you have a guy that can be like your security almost. You set up a rendezvous point and you meet up

and you just do a hand-to-hand exchange, you know, like a drop-off section. Maybe you meet up at a Lowe's parking lot. Is it illegal, though, to mail them? I, you know, I'm not going to say it's illegal because I don't know. Okay. And we like to at my... In my aggregating company, we like to try and

not say that we're, you know, going against the law, you know what I'm saying? Right, but you are a full-service aggregator. Oh, yes, yes. Any of these... Anybody who wants advice, tips, let me know. I will gladly take a look at your business model and give you just tweaks and ideas to figure out where you're going wrong. That is very kind of you.

Oh, I mean, I have to just give back, you know? Yeah, you do. All the women out there who are attempting to make me come, I would like to buy them with a service as well. Look how dark his nipple is. Doesn't that bother me? It's because he's fucking with it all the damn time. Slapping it and pulling on it.

It's got no feeling left in it. It's blue. It's a dead... That's like a dead body. It's nipple. His nip is wall. It looks like he's floating in a river. Are you a little turned on by it?

No. I don't even like when girls do that when they're just like, I don't either pulling on their shit. It's like, do you even feel anything? Like in pornos and stuff? I'm not a fan either. Well, you know, this is a perfect segue. So we've never had anybody else join us for it.

But, Josh, are you ready to get into some of Christina's favorite videos? Oh, I would love it. I hope she's looking for me. All right. The TikToks continue. It's time to get tiktarded. I've muted her conversation on texts. So these are all surprised to me.

Great. Let's get tiktarded. Let's get tiktarded. All right. I think that's... I think tiktarded kind of... It goes against the TikTok whole reason for coming up with it. Yeah, it does.

I know. Yeah. Puts it right on the nose. It's gay. I like it. I like it. All right. Look on the nose.

Here we go. Call me crazy. Hi. This is Ape Screes with an important question. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? It's true. I have had that fear. I have had that fear.

I've had the fear a lot. Yeah, like where you're just in a world, a simulation where you think like, maybe all the TikTok people are smart and I'm TikTok. Yeah. I wanted to hear a lot. I'll hear what I say. And I'm like... So you saw this just on your feed?

Yeah. This was just this morning. I was so lucky. I was so blessed. Ape Screes is an important question. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? It's true. How much do you love this one?

That one, I gotta tell you. Fuck, I'm starting to like TikTok. I know. This one's pretty amazing. I mean, that has me shook because I've ridden the bus before. And you got a guy in the bus who's like... And then he just knows which stop is his. He's like...

And I don't know where I'm going. I'm on there like Googling. And I'm like, maybe he's... Maybe I'm the TikTok. I agree. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Hey, princess. Do you want popcorn? Fuck's sake with this guy. That's good. Because I got the movies. Let's do this. This is the weirdest fucking link. I don't like it at all.

I know. It's so funny that he thinks he's like... You know, and he's shaking his head? That's how everybody feels. He thinks he's like a daddy. Yeah. Well, that's the whole point. That's his daddy's cosplay.

Yeah, this is daddy and princess or daddy and little stuff. Can you stop including this guy? I really don't like anything about what he's doing. Anything. But don't you want to see the offer? Let's see it again. No, he got... Oh, fuck.

Do you get daddy vibes from that guy? Hey, princess, you got the popcorn? That's good. Because I got the movies. Let's do this. Yeah, and he's got like all children's movies. It's like finding out. It does.

It's so gross. It's so weird. It's so disturbing. Oh, god. I don't get it. His forehead. Do you think he knows how big it is? You know what?

These people need to have kids, and they'll get over this fetish real fun. Yeah, I don't... Really? 00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:09,040 I've seen it. I've seen people with kids. Hey, y'all.

Remy needs your help. In a bad way. I've tried toms. I've tried baking soda and hot water. What gets rid of heart burn? I feel like I'm going to die. Can somebody please help me out? Thank you.

Yes, I finally got you on my side. Now you get it? No. It's so fun. TikTok is the best. What's weirder? Gangbangers going on TikTok to shout out to other gangbangers? Are people seeking medical advice on TikTok?

It's all weird. It just takes toms, you dumb bitch. I mean, you never heard of toms. What the fuck, man? I think she's got some gender stuff, don't you? She knows what she is. She has a lifetime of riding it hard. This is like, if you're like, what's your weekend like?

She's like, remember how hard you partied those four years in college? I did that on Saturday. She's got like fucking OE in her rascal. That voice, you got to earn that voice. Oh yeah. You know, that doesn't just, it's not given to you to be like, I got real bad heartburn. I'm like, you really got to work for that.

Yeah, she doesn't tell you how many packs she smoked before she got the heartburn either. Devastated would you be if you found out? The only woman that could make you come. I've gone this long without coming. I will just finish it off. But wait, but Josh, real talk, let's say she's the one. She's like the Neo who can- I don't need to marry the one.

No, no, but I mean, what if it's like, what if it's the best sex of your life? Yeah, and it's with her. It's with her. I mean, I would admit it. I'd be like, well, I mean, she ain't much to look at, but geez Louise. Yeah, yeah. She really pushes the buttons. She knows what's up.

And you would be okay with her making you come. What if you bring her? Hold on, but here's here's the deal. What if you bring her to like your sex things? Like you hook up with some hot chick and then you're like, hold on granny. Like we're swingers? And finish it off. No, but you have to tell him I can only come with this lady.

And then you bring her in at the very end. She's like my flesh light. Yeah. Ah, I wonder if it would be a tough existence. I'll say that. What if you're what if what really turns you on? You don't even know yet. And it's it's actually like a super aggro bitch who like fucking

punches you and you're like, oh my God, she's super hot. She holds you down, fucks you, makes you come. If you don't come, she starts choking you and slapping you. Well, I know that that's not the case because I've been in those dynamics before. You have? Or I mean, like I've had girls who are so much bigger than me in terms of height. Yeah. Not necessarily weight, but like in terms of like they could pick me up by my

ankles and suck my dick. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that's how tall they are compared to me. Jesus. And it's so I don't understand how they're attracted to me because I am so very much not attracted to them. Like when I'm holding hands with you and you are like holding my fist in your entire hand and it's like I'm a you've been with women like this.

Yeah, dude. And it's weird. It's not fun. What's the tallest woman you've been with? Like six three or something like a six three. Yeah, super tall. Like to the point where I was I felt like a child. Was she a volleyball player?

Something like basketball, something like that. How tall are you? I'm like five five. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? Every day. Every fucking day.

My nana, my nana, my nana. He's bad. He's been too ready. He's bad. He's been too ready. Okay. Yeah. This is another one.

Okay, I'm talking later. I'm going to eat it now. Okay, bye. What do you notice about his dinner? I don't know what that is, but I got to tell you I'm constantly impressed that he's got such a varying amount of meals that you always have. He's got a great diet. I think it's another one we could lose from the feed.

No, I like I'm having my lunch. I'm having my dinner. Here's the thing. He's having breakfast for dinner. Those are pancakes and eggs. Did you notice that Tom? And breakfast is for breakfast time only. We know that's a rule.

Yeah, those are pancakes and eggs. Oh, okay. Does he do you think he cooks these all of these? Yeah, that's why he's either he either he goes to a diner. I think it looks more like diner food. You should convince him to do a cooking show outside of TikTok. I would love it. I would love it.

Yes, this is what I'm eating, mustard. I have a headache. So, eating mustard. Cool. I have a bad headache. That's why you drink that's why you eat the mustard, right? Of course. Now, Ellis, our son, our three-year-old loves this mustard eating lady.

That's the only one I let him watch. Oh, so you show the children the TikToks. Only once. He happened to be on my phone with me as we were doing faces on Instagram. And I had the lady up and he liked her. He goes, mustard lady, mustard lady. I would say that if you get headaches and your first thought is to eat mustard, then maybe. Do you ever worry that you're returning?

Yeah, so. Then you must be a TikTok. It's the new. It's Kristina's Jeff Foxworthy. If you are eating mustard when you have a headache, you must be a TikTok. You might be a TikTok. If you can't stop talking about your buffalo burger, you might be a TikTok. If you make a meal and you put it on a plate to show people you're about to eat it,

you might be a TikTok. If you ask yourself, are you retarded and no one's telling you, you might be a TikTok. If you can't solve the mystery of heartburn after 55 years on this planet, you might be a TikTok. If you're a blood and you're getting called out by Crips on whether or not you're really about that life, you might be a TikTok. Please make a promo of the TikTok segments with using that. Tom doing all those and Josh doing all those. You might be a TikTok.

Is this a tip though? I mean, should we try mustard when you have headaches? Definitely. I'm gonna. This is doctor approved. You don't know that? She eats mustard a lot. Oh, there's no reason.

Since you're here, we discussed it briefly. Do you think, I think, so Josh is doing a big weekend. He's doing, now he's doing, he's doing Seattle, now adding Portland and Tacoma. That's right. He should fly Jackie from Canada. To those shows, yeah. Yeah, I think that's a great idea. I think you should.

Seattle's been on sale, Chopsouy on the 5th of September, and now we've added Tacoma on the 6th at Alma Mater and then on the 8th, a Sunday in Portland at Mississippi Studios. Those are the venues. They're very exciting. They're on sale now. You can get them on my Instagram or my Twitter, whichever you prefer. Jay underscore Potter, is that about it? Yes, and Josh underscore Potter on Instagram.

You got to go to the shows, but I'm just saying, you can pick whatever city, but I thought that was a good weekend. Nope. Yeah, no, that's a great idea, and we will do that. And I am going to fortify myself so I can bring the heat with Jackie. What does that mean? I'm going to pharmaceutically prepare. Oh, you said you took this for a spin the other day?

Yeah, I am pro dick pill game. For every guy out there, I don't care if your dick works. I don't care if it doesn't work. Everyone should be doing it for, and you know, I know you said I don't need them. It's not about me. Tom doesn't. I don't think it's not about me. Did Mark McGuire need to break Roger Maris's record for home runs?

No. So you're taking the dick pills and you came in here all jazzed up. Yeah. So what I mean, it's fun to hit dingers. That's the point of this. You got to take them so that you can just rock it out. It makes you feel like a fucking million bucks. I was walking the next day.

I was hearing Bee Gees in my head. I was whistling. I shot a three. You know? It was fucking good. Oh my god. Ew. But did you shoot?

No, I didn't come, unfortunately. But it works. But it works in terms of, I mean, you could think about baseball. You could think about the Pledge of Allegiance. It doesn't matter. Your dick is like, I got you. So you're rock hard. Yes.

And you gave it to this chick. Gave it to. How long did your session last? Because since you don't finish. Hour plus. You fucked her for an hour plus? Yes. Jesus.

And I'm not trying to like, this isn't a brag. I'm talking, it's not me. It's the pharmaceuticals. No, but like, but you don't finish with or without pharmaceuticals. Right, right, right, right. So couldn't you do that without the pharmaceuticals? Well, I mean, it just is the boner length. Oh, the boner length.

Like after a while, when you don't come, you know, you can go and go. And then after a while, like you get kind of like, well, I'm done. 00:52:14,400 --> 00:52:15,040 This is over. Yeah, this isn't going to happen. But the pharmaceutical makes you. Yeah, that way I can like, my brain can take a break.

But my dick is like, I got this. So you're letting whoever it comes into your life know that. I don't tell them. I know, but we're letting them know right now. Oh, no, yes. But I mean, sure. You can get that extra rock hard stuff. It's more, I'm more just telling the gentlemen out there,

don't have like these. I'm nervous. I don't want to buy it at the store. They're going to think my dick doesn't work. It's like, let them think whatever they want. They work at Rite Aid. Who cares? You know what I mean?

Like you're going to fucking house a lady later. House a lady. Wait, I have a question for you. I forget it. Fuck, fuck, fuck. What prompted you to try it? Yeah, like what happened that you decided? Well, I connected with a woman who I wanted to

really impress that in that regard. So I was like, you know what? I hear these things back and forth. I'm getting older, you know? I don't have the necessarily the stamina I once did. The what? Stamina. No, it's Stanema.

I can't even say it the right way. Well, it's Stanema. Okay. Stanema aside, we gotta get to this. So Jean, you want to do first or then dates? What's the middle? I'll do a midraw. All right, go ahead.

All right. Oh, I like this. Hi. For 80s. I'm going to be in Wilkesbury, PA. Isn't that Wilkes Bar? No. I thought it was Wilkes Bar.

Like Cardio Bar? You might be a TikTok. You might. I'm totally am. 100 percent. Tarrytown, August 7th. August 8th, Albany, New York. Foxwoods, August 9th.

And Hampton Beach, two shows. August 10th, Burlington, Vermont, the 11th. Then I go to Canada. And I'm doing London, Ontario. Then two shows in Toronto. Toronto. Two in Winnipeg. Two in Vancouver.

That's the 15th, 16th, 17th. The late shows have tickets available. And then one show, the 18th, in Calgary. And then I'm in Tennessee. I'm in Memphis, in Knoxville, Greenville, Charleston, South Carolina, Durham, North Carolina, and Charlottesville. All tickets are at tomscuro.com slash tour,

including the, well, the rest of the tour, the European dates. Check them out. We just added some shows in December. Jean, what about you? Jean, August 2nd and 3rd. I'm in Short Lake Titties, Utah at Wise Guys. What?

Oh, it's right there. Okay. August 2nd through Salt Lake City, Utah. September 5th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. September 6th, Chicago, Illinois. September 7th, Boston, Massachusetts. October 3rd, 35th, Nashville, Tittish, 8th, November 22nd, Seattle, Washington.

November 23rd, Portland, Oregon. I would not do that read again, whatever you were doing there. I like it. It's fun. You always tell me I take too long. You do it. November 3rd, Milwaukee, Massachusetts,

Chicago. September 7th, Boston. Center, October 8th. Tickets are Christina P online. Also, I have a brand new podcast called Where Are My Moms At. That's right. It is a podcast by moms and for real moms.

I talk all things mom. I do mom fails, embarrassing moments, all kinds of stuff. Go to my YouTube channel. That's the Christina P YouTube channel. All the show drops Mondays at noon. You can watch it on YouTube, download it wherever podcasts are downloaded.

Send me your mom fails, emails, voicemails, Where Are My Moms At at gmail.com. Check out my two specials on Netflix. Yeah, mother inferior. Mercury and the degenerates. And a reminder that this YouTube channel, your mom's house podcast YouTube channel, we've got a bunch of podcasts now on the channel.

By the way, one thing we're going to shift pretty soon is that audio and video are going to start dropping at the same time. That means Wednesdays at noon. It's going to happen in a few weeks, but we figured we'd prepare you as much as we can for that. It just makes more sense for us to do it that way now. But I do a podcast now bi-weekly with Bert Kreischer

called Two Bears, One Cave. Dr. Drew is here every week doing Dr. Drew After Dark. Ryan Sickler is here every week doing The Honeydew. And of course this show and yeah. So check it out. You can download wherever you download podcasts or you can watch it right here on your mom's house podcast YouTube channel.

Stay tuned. We'll have our guests here in just a moment. We're now joined by a very, very talented, very funny comedian, actress Nicole Byer. Thank you very much for coming in. Thank you so much for having me. We're so excited. I'm excited.

First of all, when are Black people coming out with Band-Aids? I don't know. Not soon enough, but I did find them on Amazon. You did? Yes. Oh, so they exist. It's a very specific company called True Colors. Yeah.

And then on the packaging it says there's Diversity and Healing, which... That's a great tagline. Wow. It made me laugh really hard. It's a great tagline. But also like I think every entrepreneur out there is like, what the fuck? Like how is this not being tapped into?

Yeah. I don't know why they're not readily available everywhere you go. Right. Because basically Band-Aid companies have been like, so why people get cut? That's it. That's what happens. Children.

I'm wearing a Snoopy Band-Aid. Right, I wear them all the time. For a child. I wear Nemo ones, Mickey ones. Our kids are always getting... But it's true. It's like they sell them primarily in different shades of white tones. Yeah, you get like pale to tan.

Yeah, that's it. It's kind of... It's actually like now that we've discussed it, it's fucking rude is what it is. Maybe Rihanna will come out with like the Fenty Band-Aid line. That'd be great. I would buy it. I would buy it.

I would buy it too. Because it's Rihanna's. Yeah, it also seems like I bet you at Fenty, it's going to be a pretty penny. Oh, very expensive. It would be like $80 Band-Aids. And people would be like, all right, I would do it too. Like Rihanna, just take it all.

Dude, right away, do you... Because she watches like every fucking baking show. Yeah. And I feel like... Huge fan. Do you... Have you watched her show? Wait, sorry, what's it called?

Just make sure. Wait, no, hold on, I think I have. Tell her. It's called Nailed It. Oh my God, yeah, duh, obviously. Yes, I have. And that's where it's bad, the baking is bad. It's the best of the worst.

Yes, duh, oh my gosh. She didn't put it together. I'm sorry, I'm a mom. I love it. I have different hair on the show. Yeah. So you're not being racist by saying we all look alike. So I thoroughly enjoy that you've seen it,

but didn't recognize me at first. Can you pull her up so I can finally... The thing is that like every time I walk in a room... I love that show. There's just another cake or bread on a table. But her hair is different. Oh yes, oh my God, duh. You're right, your hair is totally different.

Yeah, I like to switch it up. Yeah, it's so beautiful. But you know who doesn't get tricked? Children. They know my voice. So if I go to Target, they'll be like, she's here. That's kind of cool. That's kind of cool.

I don't love kids. No. No, they're very sticky. They like to scream at you. Some of them are good, but some of them meet you and then don't have anything to say to you. Oh, right. And you're just like staring at this child.

What age kid is doing this? Do you know? Like, is it like seven, eight? It's really hard when they're walking. I don't know the age. Yeah, yeah. It could be three or like seven. I don't know.

That's true. But I guess when they talk good, seven? Yeah. Well, they have personality. When they're stoked to see you, it's probably like that, right? Yeah, if they were... I mean, a three-year-old would be like, and wouldn't probably really be able to articulate

what you were from. Yeah, three would be it. Two little white boys in Tacoma brought me flowers to my show. Really? Yeah, but I was in the green room and they didn't come get me to meet them. From Nailed It? Yeah, they liked me and so they brought me little flowers.

I didn't know that special needs kids love roller coasters. Oh, is that a thing? Yeah, Bert told me that. Bert hosted. I'm serious. No, no. He hosted a show called Bert the Conqueror on Travel Channel and they put him on...

He would always go to theme parks. He was like, dude, every time I'm in an airport or like walking in a city and there's like near school, it's always like special needs kids that connect with that. And I'm like, why? He's like, apparently it's big. You know how they do animal therapy for certain people? He's like, roller coasters are like a big outlet for certain...

Not obviously all special needs kids. Well, I think it makes sense because I feel like a lot of people treat special needs kids with like gloves. They treat them so delicately. So I think a roller coaster kind of gives them what they need where they get to like... A little jostle of real life. Yeah, and you get to like let free a little bit.

I think that makes sense. Or what else... I mean, that makes a lot of sense. Or also maybe they see Bert and they're like, oh, it's one of us. And then they go like, you know, down that road. You know what I mean? Maybe.

That could be a thing too. Maybe. Great. So I was wondering... Great. Yeah. But no, Tom mentioned that I do love my baking shows and I do. And I was just sitting here thinking like,

why is everybody so obsessed with baking shows in general? Like, why do I love it? And why do I love nailed it when it's bad, you know? Nailed it specifically. I think it's just like, oh, I could do better than that. That's what it is. Or you're like, well, the people are failing. That means I can fail too.

So I think it's like both of those things. But baking shows are... It's redundant. It's a... What is it? It's like a schedule. It's a routine watching the same thing over and over and over again. And people, I think, like routine.

Yeah, a hundred percent. That's why they like sitcom. That's why Friends is like the biggest show that ever was. You know what? By the end of the day, everything is familiar. It's the same shit. But with the British Baking Show, it was, you know, this is... Did you proof it?

It's not proof. It's got to suck. He bought some. But what we love about the British Baking Show is that, you know, it is like the housewife from Surrey or whatever. And, you know, she's bored by day, but she can bake. And this is her chance to shine. Can she do it under pressure?

Everyone's so nice. Or the young bloke from Damn Saifah. He bakes too. He just blew out everybody. Sorry, guys. Was the young bloke deaf and... Sorry, I said. How many times do I gotta apologize?

I don't know. I enjoyed your loudness. Thank you. I like loud people. Really? Yes. Yeah, you do? I do.

Not like a restaurant where, like, it's a man droning on and on about nothing. And that's always a man. And it's like, I could be anywhere else. Oh, yeah. And he's like, listen, if you make a taco, the way to make a taco. You're like, what are you ever talking about? But, like, loud people having fun, I like that.

Yeah, having fun is a big thing, right? Yeah. It is, yeah. I mean, like, any fun is contagious. So when you do see someone genuinely having a good time, I don't know. Sometimes people get mad, though. I just went to a restaurant with five of my dear friends

in Portland, and I told them that it was all of our birthdays. And she was like, it can't possibly be all of your birthdays. And we're like, birthday club! We were very loud. And the people next to us left. Or they, like, moved to the opposite end of the restaurant. I would doubt. What's your take on this?

Is this a fun guy? Oh, my God. No, I turned down my headphones already. Here we go. This is a real guy. Yeah, I love him already. I have no idea who he is, but I love him. Uh-oh.

Oh. All right. Technical difficulties, guys. It's all good. Let's see. Turned down your headphones, everybody! You positive today? You better get out there!

I only started 7AM, man. Hey, listen. Cheers, everybody. This is better than morning coffee. I'll tell you right now. Hey, you see pig red in the background? Yeah, man. I know I told you.

I got the fucking viscine. I got the red out. But I think she did some shit to my orange juice because I was fucking scratching the door 6AM this morning. I'm like, yo, pig red, come out! All right, man. We're at the beach.

We're having a good time. Carola is the way to go. There was a pot of dolphins when flying by me. You'll see it later. Oh, shit. I had to swim in because they think I swim so gracefully strong. They think I parted the pot. All right, baby.

He's back in role today. Yeah. I love him. You love him? I think he's great. He owns a dry cleaning business. Does he really? Yes.

In LA? Nope, in New York, in the Bronx. I genuinely love him. I think he's great. He makes me shut down. Really? He really has had an effect on her. To me, I think was that I saw how much he upset her.

And then that was exciting to me. So that was like, I really like this guy. I just think he's got a lot of energy. Yes. Yes, he does. And he's positive. Very positive. I like positivity.

He's not shitting on anybody. No, he's the whole thing. He calls himself Mr. Positive. I love it. Yeah. Corona really missed the boat. They should have him do commercials. Yes.

They might. Right? Now, do you date high-energy guys? Is that what you're looking for? I'm not looking for a high-energy guy. I don't need someone to compete with my energy. I just need someone who enjoys my energy. Yeah.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got you. What is your, is guys in the past, the guys who you've clicked with, are they all, is it a type, energy-wise? Or is it always like, is it broad spectrum, you know? It's broad. I go from like high energy to like,

not super low energy. I don't like super low energy, but like medium to high energy. Medium to high. Wow. Yeah, see, I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty? You're practically dead. Tom's energy is like, but I like that. That's what attracts me.

It pops. Like when you laugh, you have a real twinkle in your eye. Oh, thanks. So that's, I know you're not dead. That's, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My heart rate wouldn't tell you anything. It's barely there. I went to a doctor where he was like, Jesus.

And, you know, because my heart rate... What, just upon arrival? Yeah, he looked at me. He's like, you're not good. You're not healthy at all. You're not good. But then they, you know, they took my heart rate and it was, it was in the high 30s, you know,

like 39, 38 beats per minute, which is pretty low. Like it's, to some people, it's astonishingly low. And then they're like, you know, the only people that have this kind of heart rate are like marathon runners. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that's cool. And they're like, not with you, it's not cool.

And I was like, all right. But doesn't that mean you're in good shape? He's like, it's usually aligned with someone in good shape. But he goes, I'm guessing it's not, that's not the case with you. And then he sent me to get like a hundred heart tests done. And? And they were like, yeah, you just have like a strong heart.

And... So you're healthy. I guess, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, totally. That's great. Now, do you eat a lot of sweet treats? I always wonder that about these baking shows.

Like, are you eating all this stuff after all? Oh, it's all there for you, right? And isn't like some pro always being like, it should taste like this. And you're like, this is, no. No, we don't get to taste the cakes that this woman charity makes because they sit out for days. Oh, right.

So they like wouldn't be good. Oh, right. Right. It's like set food. You're never supposed to touch. Yeah, Daniel. I got food poisoning eating set food once. Oh, really?

Yes. I did a commercial that was a ESPN Domino's commercial, like a co-promoted thing. And that pizza was like on set, not for days, but for hours and hours and hours. And then they're like, oh, in this scene, when they come by, start like just eating this. So it was part of the shot.

And I got violently sad. That's when you gotta say, is this safe to eat? Can I have a fresh one? We'll delay the shot till you have one delivered. But you know how when you're like 26. Oh, yeah. When you're starting out, you're just like, oh, I'll do any knowledge shit.

Can someone, yeah, can someone diarrhea in my mouth and I'll eat that for you? Yeah, if you don't care. Oh, my gosh. So what's your career trajectory been? Have you always hosted stuff or what do you? You're a natural. Oh, thank you.

Yes. My first job was girl code on MTV. That was my absolute first. I fucking launched so many people, right? It did. Yeah. Me, Justin Maypluzo, Carly Aquilino, Alice Wutherland, Charlemagne.

I got, I feel like got a lot of traction after being on it. It's insane how Charlemagne now. Fucking exploded. You see where he's at. And then you go like, was he on a guy code? Like that seemed like, I don't know. I mean, I was already removed from the MTV audience. You know how you're like, once you're like at his certain age,

you're like, yeah, I watched MTV. But I remember hitting the clubs and seeing you guys. And they're like, oh, yeah, all the shows are sold out. I'm like, what? Oh, yeah. And they're like, yeah, they're on this show. Everything's sold out. I was like, it was wild.

It like, there was no promotion. It was just, it was shocking how quickly it took off. And then I started doing stand up after that because colleges were like, come do stand up. And I was like, I can do improv. And they're like, absolutely not. So then I had to learn how to do stand up. Like my second show was 30 minutes

with Emily Heller at Rutgers University. And I was like, you should close. You're good. She's like, they're here to see you. And I was like, OK. And in that moment, I was like, oh, OK. So you closed? Yeah.

And I did 30 minutes. And Emily sat right on the ground. And she was like my little support person. She's so sweet. I love her. And then. So she was just there like cheering you on.

01:09:27,200 --> 01:09:28,640 Just being like, you're doing great. Like 15 minutes. Wait, how people don't realize like how crazy that is. It's insane. For your second time. Yeah. So your first time, would you do five? I did like five, seven minutes about my dead parents

that didn't go well. Yeah. And your second time. And my second time was 30 minutes at Rutgers University. And you learn how to do a little bit of crowd work to like fill time. But you had no polish bits. Nothing.

No, not really. I had maybe like looking back at it. If I would listen to it, I would say I probably had like five good minutes to stand up. Right. Out of 30 minutes, like five good minutes. But you made it work. Yeah.

And then I just kind of worked backwards. So like I would go out, do these college shows, kind of do a shitty job. And then I would go to like the improv or like the Virgil or Nerdmelt and then like really work on these bits. Yeah. So then I would slowly build up like an actual good half hour. Well, it's cool because you were getting paid

to figure out how to do it. Which a lot of people do. Most 99% of people don't have that. Yeah. A lot of people eat shit, getting good. And I, yeah, I got to get paid to get good. That's amazing. That's amazing.

Yeah. So it's a very weird way to get into it. But now I love it. And now I work very hard. And I really, I love it. Stand up is fun. Yeah. That's cool.

I like when people, you know what I mean? Everybody's always like in stand up is like, ah, it's fucking the drag and burned out. And you're like, yeah, it's fun to be around people that want to have fun doing it. Yeah. And I've learned, so like my half hour came out in January and I went to a college in the middle of January

and I did some of the bits from my special. And this girl was like, I really want to see new stuff. And I was like, well, I have to come up with new stuff. So then I did like two shows a night for like two weeks, got a new 30 minutes and then was doing that for six months. And I was like, I don't like this. I rushed it. I didn't like work on these bits.

I don't love these bits. So then I threw out that half hour. Now I'm working on a new half hour. It's crazy. It's crazy. But it's also so fun. It's fun to challenge. And also I feel like this era, the digital era

where everything is YouTube and streamed and all that, that it's not a choice anymore whether or not to develop new stuff. You have to. It is, it is. That is the rule. You have to. You have to do it.

Once it's somewhere you can't do it anymore. Wait, can I ask you? Because you mentioned it. Yes. No. Are both your parents died? Oh, yes. A long time ago.

I was 16 when my mom died and then 21 when my dad died. That's terrible. Yeah, it sucked. It was a, those were like my formative years and then. It's so young. Yeah. And then my grandmother died when I was 18. People kept dying at Milestone.

So I was like, I'm cursed. Then I went to the therapist. She's like, you're not cursed. They're just coincidences. She's like, your sister wasn't at these Milestones. It's a coincidence. I was like, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I could see how you'd start thinking that. Yeah. 16, 18, 21. Fuck. It's a lot of loss. How did your mother die? My mother had a, it's called deep, deep pulmonary thrombosis, I believe.

So she had a blood clot in her leg that traveled to her heart and nobody knew. That's the thing is like, that every time I've heard about that happening, it's always a surprise. No one knew. No one knew. And then my dad died of a massive heart attack. And it's weird because like my mom was fat.

So it was like, okay, she's gonna die of heart disease. My dad was like very fit and he died of heart disease. So I was like, I'm probably gonna go with heart disease. So, you know, I live my life how I want. Yeah. And then let's see. My grandmother died of cancer. Then my godmom, she died of cancer when I was 25.

Oh my god. And then, yeah. Is that? Did your mom, did she recently like fly or anything like that? No. No, when she did. No. Because I always hear about that happening too.

Nothing. It was like truly out of nowhere. The blood clot thing is no joke. Yeah, it's fucking wild. Yeah. Can they test you for that? No, what happens is like you have tightness in your chest and then you take it upon yourself to go to the hospital

and then they run some tests and then they can be like, oh, there's a blood clot in your leg. But if you don't go to the hospital at a certain reasonable amount of time, you'll probably die. Man, how do you, I mean, that must have made you funny. No, I'm serious because people who are funny, it's not because you had a great life growing up. I mean, most of us, I find.

I think you do try to laugh through the pain. My sister is not funny. She's like, she's sweet, but she's not like, she, I asked her to do a live episode of my podcast when I was in Chicago and she truly was like, I don't understand why anyone would want to listen to me. I was like, all right, Catherine, you don't have to. But I guess it made me funny

because I would try to make her happy. Yeah. Try to make her laugh. Are you guys very close? We're not super, super close because we're very different. So like I'm five seven, she's five one. I'm fat, she's very, very thin. I love makeup, she doesn't wear any makeup.

She could not talk for days and I can't do that. I love talking. Yeah, yeah. You know, I need to get on a stage every night. She's like, if I never saw another person, I'd die happy. Yeah, you guys are like really polar opposites. Very, very different. My mother used to say if like half of us,

like one, like one half from each person was a person, we'd be the perfect person. Right, yeah. Yeah. How, what's your, what's your age difference between you? A year and a half. I think it's called a Irish twin. Irish twins, yeah.

Just discussing that before you came here, how difficult that is to pull off two pregnancies in such a short time. Well, I was an accident. Oh, no, you were a blessing. No, truly, I was an accident. So my mom had a miscarriage before. I think two miscarriages before my sister.

And then after my sister told her, she couldn't have any more kids. So I guess she and my dad started raw dog. And then I was like, I'm a fighter, I'm a survivor. And then I was bored. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah.

And then when my dad died, we found this huge economy size box of condoms. And I was like, I guess they were like never again. This one was too much. Wow. We don't want another one. Damn. Damn, dude.

That's wild. Dude, I gotta tell you, you posted something that I've never connected with. And that made me feel so just like, oh man, I love this girl. On Instagram. Yeah. Oh, you told me about this. Yeah, but this is great.

Fully broke a toilet right out of the wall. Dude, first of all, I'm going to get you a trophy. I'm going to get you a trophy. Thank you. Because I know I've come close. And I've always thought about what it must be. Like I've had that thought. I've sat on ones where I'm like, this is about to go.

And then, so was this in a hotel? No, this was five minutes before a show. This is the best. And so. It's on her, by the way, if you're listening, it's on Nicole Buyer's Instagram. It's on my Instagram. Which is just, it's Nicole Buyer, B-Y-E-R.

Okay, sorry. I had just done a power hour, which was like a live episode of my friend John Gabers' podcast where it's a shot of beer every minute for 60 minutes. And I was peeing and I was having the time of my life. I was kind of bouncing on it. I was tempting fate. And then, all of a sudden, it like, I heard a.

And I was like, what? And then I was on the floor and I was truly airborne for a hot second. And then like my knees slammed into the ground. And then you heard porcelain just shatter. And I was like, uh-oh. And then I was covered in toilet water. And then I posted on Twitter, it's a wider shot.

You can see my footsteps. There's two footsteps away. And then I turn around and I remember going, can I lie about this? That's the first thought, right? Can I say someone else did it? And it was like, no, I cannot lie about this. Also the toilet paper.

Yeah, I noticed that. You managed to wipe. I was wiping when it happened. Yeah, that's good to say. How much have you thought about in the moment and since then? What if I had just taken a huge shit? Oh, I would have been crying. Yeah, yeah, it's totally different.

Oh, it would have been so upsetting. That would have. I mean, I probably still would have posted it because there was like 15 people outside the door. So I truly couldn't lie about it. They must have heard. Oh, everyone heard it. And you know how you like, people walk with no purpose.

That's what happened when I opened the door. I was like, everyone just wants to know what happened. So I was like, I broke a toilet. And then Gabriel and my other friend, Mike Mitchell, looked in the bathroom and they're like, no, you didn't. We did it. They were wasted. And I was like, that's the kindest thing

any man's ever done for me. It's so fucking amazing. It made me laugh really. And then I had to get on stage and do a show. But then you posted it, which is awesome. And it has 47,000 likes because like people like. I think it's like a fear. Sometimes you sit on a toilet like this.

Yes, at any moment. But isn't there something like when this is like an embarrassing moment, but when we like own embarrassing moments and actually like kind of put it out there. Yeah. That like it connects you more to other people. Like as soon as I saw this, I was like, I love this girl. Like, you know what I mean?

Like I love that you were like, I just broke a toilet. I just thought it was awesome. I just the picture made me laugh so hard. Yeah. So I was like, I can't not share this with people. It's amazing. And it truly tells the story.

Like I was wiping. You were wiping. I was airborne. I released the toilet paper. And then oh, after I like I was on the floor, I was like, oh, I have to turn off the water so it doesn't flood. And then I turned off the water. So then I was like, oh, I guess I'm good at emergency.

Yeah, you're practical because I, our son, our older one, just put a bunch of toys down the toilet. Fuck. It's going to cost a fortune to fix. I didn't tell you that part. I liked that he actually said, we're like, why isn't this toilet floor? He's three and a half.

Why isn't the toilet floor? He's like, put a bunch of my toys down there. Oh, he's fine. Like straight up told, you know. Oh, he's great. 01:19:06,960 --> 01:19:07,760 He admitted it. Oh, I don't know.

It's just got a bunch of cars and stuff down there. And you're like, mm-hmm. But the plumber came yesterday to look at it and he goes, oh, yeah, you have to turn off the valve so that nobody can flush it against you. I was like, I don't even know how to do that. Oh, it's like in the wall. Well, I bought a house.

Oh, so you figure that out. So you're going to learn shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 01:19:26,400 --> 01:19:28,320 Someone's doing all right. I bought a house. OK. So that feels good, right?

It does. I think that's like, there's everything. Everyone has all these benchmarks for adulthood. I feel like the one that you're like, this is a solid adult thing is buying a house. I think so. In this economy. Yeah, right.

It's wild. I was looking at houses and it was like, this is $2.2 million and the bathroom is outside. It made no sense the way these houses were priced. But I found something that. Congrats. I really liked it. Thank you.

For me, the biggest adult moment was when we bought our first washer and dryer for clothes. She didn't have to use quarters. That to me, that's like, you've made it. Big boy move. Yeah. My first apartment out here, I was like, it has to have a washer dry.

Because in New York, I never had one. And I lived in a six floor walk up. So you bring everything fucking downstairs and you don't have to bring it all the way fucking back up. It was awful. Those walk ups are motherfuckers, man. It sucked. Six fucking flights.

Every time? Every time. So like we had a system, if someone left something, they would just throw it out my window because my window faced the street. So sometimes I'd leave my keys, then my roommate would just throw my keys out. And once I got stuck in a tree, and that was awful.

Oh shit. Then like the whole neighborhood came and was like throwing shit at the tree, trying to help me get my keys down. Oh man. I missed that neighborhood. You do? It was at Morningside Heights, Harlem.

It was like 125th and Broadway. Oh, we have a friend that lives. We have a friend that lives on 124th and 1st Avenue. Oh yeah? Yeah. Robert Paul Champagne. Yeah, 2395. They left so hard at that.

I know, 2395 Wagner House's apartment, 2C124th and 1st Avenue. Oh no, that's four person. 01:21:07,680 --> 01:21:08,960 He's got his own hat. What does this person do to you? Did you say his guess? He does some wild shit.

You want to see him? Here he is right here. This is him. He doesn't look like him. Black guys who love the fuck and fuck good. If you're a hot black guy, you want to fuck me at 2395. If you want to move in, you can move in,

but you got to fuck me. I mean, I need to be fucked a lot, man. Get free food, free rent and everything else, man. You have to deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or um, you're a thug. You want to come move in? A friend can move in with you too, man.

Free rent, you can lease in a key. Fuck me. Piss on me. Beat me. I'm home now. You see me when I come over today and try it out. Try it out, man. If in my building, try it out.

You want to fuck a piss on me, try it out. Seriously, it's like, only just fuck, man. I'm looking for hardcore guys that mean it and want to do it. And I want to deliver it. I'm a hot fuck white trash. Come dump the fuck. There you go.

Wow. Robert Paul Champagne. That's the energy I don't like. That's bad. What are you thinking? Yeah, it's a lot of energy, but maybe focused in the wrong place. You think so?

Just a tad. If you're a thug, if you came from jail, you know. I mean, asking for out of jail is kind of wild. It's very wild. Maybe it's like if you're a black man with a job, you know, you can contribute to the rent. Come fuck me. Then I'd be like, oh, that's nice.

See. Right. That's a good point. That's a good point. Nobody's ever articulated that. Right. She's right. Like a guy that can contribute to rent.

Yes. That's a really good distinction. What Robert's saying is, do you have no options? Now you have them. So that's a totally different pitch. It's a different argument. It's so wild. He wants to be your only choice.

I wonder if this has worked out for him. Well, it's funny that you mentioned that. Because Josh, who you met out there, went to visit him last week. This is insane. Yep. Yeah. This is what happened.

This is our trailer. Then from jail. This one video is sort of a classic. Is that from your show? No, I'm just fascinated by that guy. Free rent. You can at least in a case. Fuck me.

Kiss something. Beat me. I'm home now. You know, people found his Instagram and, you know, sent it to us like, oh my gosh, like we found the original account that he's uploading to. That's about as free as it gets. He's taking over the world.

Sincerity in his eyes. He gives you street address. Hi, I'm Robert Paul Champagne, watching your mom's house. Try it out. He's terrifying. All of those fucking dolls. My god.

The dolls, funny, you should mention. He gave me one. He gave me the Christina doll. See the behind him? There's one that he lovingly, it was really beautiful. She had a nice big outfit on. Josh went into his apartment, spent time with him.

What's the spooky thing on the door? He's terrifying. I didn't even notice that. But you know something? He's the sweetest lamb you've ever met. I don't know. He's sweet. I don't know.

He gave you something and your logic is all askew. You got bamboozled. This man wants to murder. This man wants a life-size Barbie. That's a former woman. This man, he's sick. Look at him. It's fucking scary.

He's terrifying. That's not even just terrifying. Just like surrounded by adorable, cute things. This is no different than Buffalo barrel. I agree. We've normalized this guy. The thinnest tank top straps. Like what?

Oh, you don't know what else he was wearing. This is, he was literally just Donald Duck in it with just the tank top. Honestly, what a great trailer. I'm invested July 8th. That's when it comes out. I remember. I'm going to watch it.

Thank you. This is nuts. It is nuts. Oh, those eyes. Well, the weird thing is, is that we've gotten to know him over the course of a year or two now. He never talks this way that he does in the video. It's almost as if something came over him that day.

I don't know what, because he's really like, yeah, he's more like a passive, kind of like, well, well, well. Just like, you know, it's very odd. I don't know what came over him that he made that video. Josh, did he tell you about that day? What led up to the making of the video? Was he like, you know? Um, I have a theory on it.

Yeah. He didn't say this is true or not, but he, uh, I think he was jerking off while he was making it. And sometimes when you're jerking off, you're demeanor changing. Okay. So there you have it. Hey, Josh.

When men jerk off, you're evil. Can you text me that photo of like, what you, you know, the photo you sent me? When you're safe. Oh, when I was sitting across from him? Yeah. You know, the one that you sent me. Do you want me to drop it?

We could put it up. Uh, yeah, yeah. It's just a show in Nicole. I love you for your... Yeah. So how, so she can see how he did the interview. You know what's interesting is that I think about this photograph a lot.

Oh, I've said that for people. The photograph we're about to see, yeah. I'll think about him forever. Yeah. He is memorable. His name is Robert? Yeah. I remember nothing.

I can't believe I remembered his name in July 8th. See? Yeah. I know there's something about him. 01:26:49,040 --> 01:26:51,520 Unfortunately, this, uh, this episode that you're on will come out after that. Oh, okay.

But it's a good, it's a good reminder to people who haven't seen it. The documentary? It's on the, uh, the main channel, the Your Mom's House podcast, main channel. My goodness. And, uh, just, this is, this is how Josh interviewed him. Of course.

I'm a huge fan. I still love Robert. No, no, oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah. We can't show this to the people at home. Can you describe what this looks like? Okay.

So this man is wearing a tank top with the thinnest straps. He's surrounded by like bedazzled things, and he's got the smallest dick I've ever seen. It's a teeny, can we zoom in on his dick? And black socks, right? Is he wearing the black socks? It is. Ooh.

Yeah. Black socks. It's, it doesn't go past his balls. It's, it's like, it's a nubbin. It's tiny. And then he's got a mound on top of it. This is interesting. Yeah.

He's a happy guy. I'd like to see it hard. Really? Well, if you go on his Insta stories live. Oh yeah? Do you have a cousin? He goes on Instagram live. Do I have a cousin?

A cousin that's a guy? He could probably get a shot of it. None of them have been in jail. No, any black, any hot black guy, or Latino guy will work for him. All right. Else. No, we would never send a cousin over.

No, just have him text. Just send a text. Just be like, hey, can I see that hard dick? He'll send it immediately. Oh, maybe I'll catfish him. I guess I don't need to see a tiny dick that bad. You don't want to do that. You've seen enough in person.

You can see it on Instagram. He goes live and he gets naked, and sometimes he drinks his own pee. And you can see his dick. Well, that doesn't seem nutritious. That seems redundant. He seems to like it. He, yeah.

You'll find out why if you watch the documentary. Yeah, he gets into detail. I was like on board, now I'm off board. I don't think I can watch in the middle. Well, how are we going to win you back? He also fucks some celebrities. Really? Yep.

Okay, I'm back on board. You know, here's a change of pace. Change of pace. The toilet reminded me that we haven't yet seen this man who is also on a toilet. And where did you find this one? I think someone sent it in, just saying like, hey, this is like some really cool stuff

from a really cool guy. Okay. Oh, dear. That's a good description. I haven't seen it. I like this song. Oh, my God. Okay.

Would you say him? No, I don't think so. Okay, I think we're good. Like, I didn't know what we were seeing, but... Yeah, I didn't hear that. What were people doing before the internet? Keeping this to themselves. Were they doing this alone?

Also, he's got no toilet paper. That roll was empty. You're so perceptive. What is he going to do? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. What is he going to do? That's a good point. Yeah. Because he's going to need it. He might have a bidet. Oh, he needs it.

He definitely needs it. Oh, he's got one sheet draped over it. Oh. Ugh. You're right. Also, is he shitting in the shower? Yeah, it might be in Asia. Don't you have to combine sometimes?

Oh, yes. So he's squatting. Oh. Oh, he's having fun. Yeah, he's having a great time on the toilet. This guy's shitting. Oh, boy. He's really gassy.

Yeah. Really gassy. Maybe he's lactose intolerant. Could be. It doesn't sound like there's much behind it, though. No. It sounds very much like it's all air. Like, I think he's sick.

Oh, yeah. I think it's like lactose intolerant. You know, like, are you lactose tolerant? You're kind of chargating on the toilet. And you're like, well, come on. Let's have it come. Let's go. OK.

I think I'm good on this one. Yeah, truly. I think we get it. He's not for me. Thank you. So who would you date between the two guys? Well, if I had a pic. Oh, looks like we have another submission.

Do you want to wait a minute? Oh, boy. So here's a guy. This is what I like about this, because I had the privilege and the honor of seeing this. This man has posted this video to his account, and it's not a dating site. It's just like Instagram, but he's using it as an opportunity

to basically promote himself, you know? This is like that. Sorry, like that guy who was like, who out here, baby? Yeah. What did he say? Was that do we ever hear that one? Jepemberton? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, remember the super cool guy from, I forget. Well, he's like, I'm with Utah. Utah. Yeah, Christina gave us actually a new version of that. We'll play that up next. Oh, God, God, I was hoping you got that. Then please don't vote until you're done. OK, perfect.

I'll save my vote. OK. So, yeah. Let's play the dating game. I would love Nicole Byrd to weigh in on the positives. He's already terrifying. He's like tweaking out, like, oh, he's just alive with energy and vigor.

Let's give it a shot. Hold on, Nicole. What's your physical type? What are you into? Apparently, I like him tall with long hair. You do? Apparently, the last two guys I've dated long term were tall with long hair.

Long hair, wow. Which is not something I thought I was into. Yeah. But they fuck good, so. Well, there you go. There you go. I don't, I just like people who are attractive to me. It kind of makes any sense.

Yeah, sure. It's a very wide range. So, what you're saying is someone here might have a shot. Yes. Yep. All right, let's go. Working party in Myrtle Beach, going to the beach, skimboarding, surfing.

I like to do all that. I love the beach. I love playing football. I can throw a football left handed like 40 yards. What? I can throw a football right handed like 60 yards. Wow. It's pretty nice being fit.

It's pretty nice being fit. It's a. Wait a minute. What are we calling these vids? Because I'm not sure they're cool guys. I don't know. There's certainly a lost look in his eyes. Yes, like I feel like he's tweaking out hard,

but his pupils aren't dilated enough. I also feel like. I mean, I fully believe it. Yes, his pupils are definitely shot. And it also feels like he asked himself to describe himself. He's like, I don't know. I like footballs and throwing them. Like he doesn't know.

I like the beach. The beach is good. A skim board. But this is a whole new case. You understand what I'm saying? This is a whole new genre of YMH videos we've had. Cool guys. But these are like drunk dumb guys.

Uh huh. Like braggie. Braggie guys. Braggie dumb guys. Yeah, it's true. It is kind of a total lame. Braggie dumb drunk. It's its own genre we found here online.

I think they're too cool. They're too cool to be in the club. Too cool guys. He's got this stubble on his neck. Yeah. Right. What's happening there? Well, what's happening there is he didn't shave properly.

And he might have. Razor bumps? Yeah. So he's letting it go. HIV. Yeah. Yeah. But he's definitely looking at the camera confidently.

Yeah. I like his gold chain. He's owning the camera. He's got a gold chain. He looks like the kind of guy who thinks he's a model. Yes. And then like he needs people like us to remind him. Wait, can you play more of him talking?

Do we have more? Is there more of him? Can I just see it again? I feel like I need to take it in. Can you pull up his account? I'd need to find it. Oh, OK. Let me just take in his essence.

They're partying. I like partying. Myrtle Beach, going to the beach. Skimboarding, surfing. I like to do all that. OK. I love the beach. Yeah.

This was edited together. I could throw a football left handed like 40 yards. It's pretty fun. I could throw a football right handed like 60 yards. Oh, yeah. By the way, it's pretty nice being fit. He definitely. I love it.

This makes me laugh so hard. This was so pretty nice being fit. Can I tell you my prediction, though? This guy's a fucking box of hair. Like he's probably doing shit. But I bet you he fucks good. That's what I was thinking. I was like, if the three I've seen, I'd probably fuck him.

Yeah. And then you'd be like, that was pretty good. I can't have dinner with you. No. Because it's like talking to a dog. But he'd probably you'd be like, Jesus. 01:34:58,640 --> 01:35:00,080 I think he'd probably fuck pretty good.

Yeah. You don't think Robert Paul Champagne would fuck? No. Well, let's hear about him. But hear me out. Robert Paul Champagne has been in the game the longest and he's been in the game when it was hard fucking core. Yeah.

But he's back when gay guys were real gay guys. He is a power submissive. Bottom. Yeah. I would have to peg him in that. Oh, and you're not interested in that. I'm not really interested in that. But this guy.

Oh, wow. You found that very fast. So let's scroll down a little bit. Wait, what's his description? Dude, there's nothing like any pro. My name is Andy. I'm going to learn to write my own music. I was born talented.

I sing in the rain, greatness. Music and sports is my passion. I also love that everything is capitalized. Right. I know that's that. Yeah. And there's not a lot of time you see it with women, but it's also cool when guys have the same photo or video.

Angle, 7,500 times. Damn. So stupid. So is he singing in these or talking? Oh, and the gum. The gum in the mouth is all this. It's got one view. Cool.

Oh, love, passion, respect, and work in gourmet food delivery and delivering gourmet food. If someone ordered food, I would have their food waiting for them in 10 minutes. Well, it'll take like a normal pizza deliveryer to deliver in like 35 to 40 minutes while I do it in 10 minutes. Wow. It's nice.

Oh, wow. Be a genius and have passion to care about the customers. OK. So I kind of think I think I see what's going on here. I mean, I think he's he's clearly delusional. Yeah. Like maybe medicated. Those eyes.

It's meds, drugs. Really shot. Dr. Drew should see this. Let's have Drew weigh in on drugs or mental illness. Yeah. Oh, I think it's meth. I don't think there's anything. I think it's meth.

He seems pretty methied in me. I agree. The skin lesions are kind of a giveaway. The no blinking. The dryness of mouth. Yeah. I'm going to go meth too. Let's see another.

I'm very intrigued. I'd like to hear some music if I may. Some singing. I really don't care about people working here. Doing everything. And they say, oh, I'm working. Huh? Huh?

I could do their job a hundred times faster than they can. Yeah. 01:37:32,080 --> 01:37:36,160 And I can like work lift and door dash on my own spare time. Yeah. What's awesome about these like deliveries. They don't tell you the name of the place. They give you a number.

Got jobs for everything. Dude, this guy's out of this world. These are the people that really want to work. These can't all be about food delivery. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, close this. Close this. Scroll down.

Yeah, damn. Scroll down like 10 more. No. And then pick a random one. You know what? This guy needs to get on TikTok. Because he's wasting his talents on the ground. Uh-huh.

You're right. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, this is not where his audience is going to find. Oh, there it is. This picture's he's built. Pretty good body. Well, meth's, meth ends you out. Meth ends you out.

I slept good probably less than eight hours. Dude, you realize that most of these have like two to 11 views. Uh-huh, any more. And if we are, oh man, his whole account's going to fucking... It's going to blow up. He's done. I worked all day yesterday.

I worked gourmet food from 8 to 10.30. 8 a.m. at 10.30 p.m. Right, we got it. And I worked out last night at like 11.30. Andy, you're in good shape. You're very fit. It's like eight hours. You're feeling pretty good.

Yeah. It's time to run. And my goal today is 10 miles and I'm going to achieve that. I'm going to achieve that. But he can throw with his left hand, but he can also throw with his right hand. All right, pick another random. Yeah. I love this.

I can watch this. Today's workout? Yeah. 10 miles. He's got a fan. Oh, he still does. And I'm going to go have to buy some piggy light. Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa.

I'm a baby. Wait, what? All right, today's workout? Pedial lights for children. 10 miles. Oh. And I'm going to. Okay.

He's talking about his workouts. Yeah. It's all the same. He's just so wild. It's the same thing. Fuck. How? How did he?

Look at those pupils, man. Look at those fucking eyes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Whoo. How does he have so? It's all the same. This is incredible.

One more video. One more. Yeah, I got to see what's happening. Yeah. This is fascinating. So I'm out here working. Oh, this is from four days ago. He posts like 100 videos a day.

We've been scrolling. This is from four fucking days ago. And I know that because I can just tell. Scroll to his first video. Like go, go all the way down. How far down? No, no, like not the first, like, yeah. That's like a day's worth of shit.

Oh. Yeah, he's posting like 100 videos a fucking day. Guys, this is like. This is fucking wild. Yeah. That's one way of putting it. This guy's got. Okay, that's what I'm doing for a team.

Seven days. Okay. And you use that same way to fold your bed and do anything. Anything. He's on drugs. The way you clean. Oh, boy. Whoa.

I mean. Drugs. Oh, he's drunk. I worked so hard and no one took credit for all the work I did. And I really want to be back at that place because I know it's really busy and I do care about everybody. But when people don't listen to what someone has to say and they can do it right almost every time and they have dreams to be actually an athlete and they have the talent.

And they're just not taking credit for your work and anything or something wrong with you. You don't want people to take credit for your work. Right. All right. And you use it. He is wild. Yeah. Also this has very clean.

Very clean. It's actually a nice place. It's nice. A lot of times when you see these people are out of their goddamn minds. 01:41:28,880 --> 01:41:30,400 It's like a fucking pig style. Like a mess. So now hold on.

You're seriously, you're still considering him as your front runner. It's Robert Paul Champagne. Right. And who's the next suitor? The man Fartin. Yeah, the Fartin guy. The Fartin. The Fartin singer.

He's my, yeah. He's my front runner. And then this guy is a Fartin. This guy is my front runner. Right. The fit 40 yards with my left hand. Okay. But I wouldn't hang out with him.

It would just be like, we got to fuck him and you can go make whatever videos you want. So you're going to be struggling for having. Like I got a tripod. I'll give you anyway. So, okay. Oh, so who else are we going to show? Interesting. This guy.

Uh-oh. Dear meat for dinner. Okay. So what's up, you guys? Check this out. I'm down here playing fish at my dock and check out what shows up. This water is just sprinkling off my dock, off the cleaning table. Look at this.

What's a manatee letting water drop in his mouth? Oh my God. That's a cool spot. So what's up with that, y'all? That's a manatee drinking water from my fish cleaning dock. That's totally insane. I'm going to go and I guess I'm just going to let him chill and drink however much water he wants.

I guess he's like at the bar right now. I'm going to fillet the rest of these fish and I'm going fishing. Peace. He's not for me. Yeah. He's not for me. He's not for anybody. Of course a manatee likes fish water.

It's a manatee. He lives in the water. 01:42:57,280 --> 01:42:57,280 01:42:57,280 --> 01:42:59,280 Oh my God. So he's kind of a dad. Yeah, he's not for me. He's got real dad energy.

I'm going to fuck that meth man because he's going to go for a while. Got a lot of energy. He's up. Yes, he is up. Yeah, dad dork is like. Yeah, I don't need that. He'll be like, wow. How fucking crazy is this?

I'm out in the water and there's a water animal. And also he wears half a sun visor. Have you noticed that? He didn't have a full visor. I'm going to say sun visor. He didn't have a full visor. He only had like the half one. Oh, I didn't even notice that.

I didn't like him. He was not for me. Yeah, he's not your steeze. Okay, maybe this guy is. Who's our next victim here? Who's deer meat? Yeah. Why did it say deer meat?

I'm going to fucking throw up. What's wrong? Because I know what's coming up. You've had any kind of erectile disorder problems. I'm here to tell you. Forget that bag or forget about salads. Forget that dick and plants and all that stuff. So I don't know if you believe me or not.

But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick, it doesn't get harder either way. And watch it get harder and harder. The more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. It's unbelievable. Your dick head becomes so sensitive that you don't need lube. You don't need spit.

You just stroke that dick head this up and down four times. It's this hard to do it. And you'll shoot an enormous amount of very thick, thick, hot white gum. Well, what are you thinking? Well, we got to see it happen. I got to see that hot white thick load. Oh, man, yeah.

Oh, we don't get to see it? Oh, no, he doesn't. He doesn't. He actually says that if you really want to see it, you can message him and he'll send you the video. Oh, gross. Oh, boy. I'm going to go with my athletic meth friend.

Okay. So so far, you're still into the meth guy. Yeah. Now, what about this Italian from Utah? Oh, boy. Are you going to pull him out? Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

I just want to know, to me, that's the other front runner for you. Even though none of these guys have long hair. Now that I know that that's what's been doing it for her. Do we have the original video with him? Who? With this guy. Yeah, I'll pull it up.

Holy. This is my favorite. I just don't see it. Everybody. Just a little update. Don't ever drink one of these bad boys. Don't ever. They are weapons.

Who are you? The weapons. It's Arnold Palmer. He's spiked Arnold Palmer. Don't ever drink the spiked Arnold Palmer. They're weapons. Okay. I also want to know, like, how do you make up that accent?

That's not how he genuinely speaks. I know. Don't ever. There's a spiked Arnold Palmer. Like, what are you doing, man? But also, they're pretty mild. I know. Mixed drinks in a can.

I think it's like Bartles and James. Yeah, you gotta drink. It's like a smirin' off ice. Yeah. Or like a hard Mike's lemonade. It's like for junior high kids. Yeah. Yeah, it's silliness.

I'm fascinated. I've been on his Instagram. These. My first time. Eyebrows. Oh, yeah. So this guy is how we first learned of this guy. Forged droves.

Let's see if you are interested now. Okay. You know, like that ass, though. Like, break up so hard. Don't get me wrong, ladies. Ladies and gents. Play boys and play girls. Breakups are hard.

But you gotta realize, for, you know, a sexy Italian boy like me, the most fucking drop that gorgeous guy in this motherfucking state of Utah. Fuckin' get any girl in the state. That ass. We a party. No shame. No game, baby.

You want that old boy or that young buck, baby? Because I'm that young buck. We a party. That ass. What do you think about that? I just crawled inside of myself to hold on. His lips are the same color as his skin and mental illness is so prevalent in this country.

It is incredible that this many videos like this exist. Oh, this is just the beginning. Oh, I know. This is nuts. This is nuts. I know. This man. Wait till you see Christina's TikTok.

That I am. That I am. That I am. Dead ass. And then we up out of here. But I'm going to keep talking for a few minutes. I thought you out of here, man. So crazy.

Well, is he saying dead ass? Yeah. I mean, he's saying dead ass. Like, I don't even know. Like I'm serious. Like I'm very serious. Oh, got you. I didn't know.

Like he's dead ass serious right here. Now I've been on his Instagram this last week, just following up. And he posted a picture of he and this girl that he had just had sex with. And he put the word lit over her nipple. And he's like, this is my sugar mama right here.

Wait, can I see that picture, please? On the gram. Do you, would you remember what his Instagram? Shit. Let me, I got a look. Well, let me remind you of your choices on today's dating show. So you have Robert Paul, piss on me, beat me.

If you're homeless thug, come here. You have I sing and fart. Pretty well. Pretty good at it. But it's just a choice. Yeah, it's just kind of gross. Yeah. Okay.

You have I'm fit, I'm fit door dash driver. You have, there's manatees in the water. How crazy is that? Okay. And then you have him the hottest Italian guy in Utah. Oh, he's from Utah? Yeah, that's where he's, yeah. That's why the accent's all fucked up.

Because he's only like heard people from New York. There you go. So he's trying to like mimic it. Yeah. Yeah. I still think I'm going to stay with my, my door dash meth man. Right.

Yeah. And still just smash and dash basically. Yeah. Smash and dash. Yeah. But door dash him. Yeah. Sorry.

I just texted it to native. Yeah. It's like, wait, you're going to take the door dash right? The tweaker door dash right? Can I have the Corona man? The account is private.

01:48:52,000 --> 01:48:53,280 Holy shit. It's private now? Oh, dang. Oh, shit. We ran out of his life. We already did it. Let me see. Because I still have access.

Do you follow him? I still, he still has, I'm in like I requested. Oh, yeah. I'm in. No, he's, he's here, bro. Oh, wow. Yeah. You got in while you're here.

This is a picture. You want to text me some screenshots? I can put it. Yeah. Yeah. Here's the one I was referring to. And it's so messed up. Like it's kind of gross.

Yeah. Really? One of these guys? Nicole's choice, by the way, is pure organic dry cleaning. I really love him. I think he's really, I think he'd be enthusiastic. I think if I gave him some direction, he would listen. Wait, great.

This one's the best tune to post this other one and read the, we have to read the comment. That's the guy. That's your guy. I love him. I love him. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Out of all of them, that's my guy. Rock and roll today. Yeah. Yeah. I would love for him to be on top of me screaming rock and roll today. Oh, so that's what I want.

Yeah. Wow. Ned, you could, you could tolerate that personality long term. Yeah. Look. Oh my God. Here we go. So that's his, that's from the grant.

He writes, if anyone sees my fish shirt, please DM me so I can get my fish shirt back. I left it downtown at the club last night. Please and thanks. He looks like someone kidnapped him. Also, his skin looks burnt. This is awful. Yeah.

This is it. So throwback, TBT, me and my sugar mama. And someone wrote, where's your fish shirt? Holy shit. That's pretty funny. That's Bridget right there. Bridget nailed it. But there's a video, I swear, where he's like, we just had sex.

Haha. And she's like, um, I don't want you to post on the ground. Yeah, baby, good morning, everybody. Is that my boyfriend? That's your boyfriend. I love him. Your boyfriend is. That's to fly myself to the Bronx.

Yep. You got to go full throttle. Jesus. That is quite the choice. That's totally insane. Okay. Oh yeah. That's, that's the manatee guy.

Sorry. Just realized he's like, oh my God. There's fish in the water. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm so bummed that he made his Instagram private. Yeah. Well, probably got a lot of new fans.

I'm too many. Too many trying to roast him in the comments. Yeah. Cause apparently Robert went private too. What? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. He did.

He did. I see people all the time, like tell them to accept me. You know, they were, yeah, yeah. He went private to a lot of people, I guess. Interesting. Yeah. I guess he wasn't getting the hard for guys that want to fuck. Well, I just, I'm confused.

Why would you go private? I feel like people's goals on social media are to reach people you wouldn't normally reach. True. I guess if you're posting family things, but it's so, it's not safe. Like people can still see your stuff, right? Like on Facebook, even if you make it private.

Well, I mean, they're not posting family stuff. He's literally asking people to come fuck him. That's true. So why would you make it private? Where's my fish shirt? Yeah, you want your fish shirt, man? Keep it public. So it might happen.

Make it public. I can't believe how big his dick works. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice. Really nice. Which one do you choose? If I had to choose between these guys?

I'm trying to think, who could I tolerate just, let's say, if you're like, you have to hang out with this person? Well, she's just sleeping with them. No, I know. But I'm talking about, for me, it would be like, who could you? Who's the hang? Okay. So who could I hang with?

Corona. Hang, dude. Corona. I think, because I think he has levels. I do not believe he's like that all the time. I think if he's like having fun, he's partying, that's what he's doing. I don't know.

You got to see his Graham. You got to see his Instagram. It is saloon-acy. It is fucking intense. He is like. You say not all the time, every fucking thing. He's like, my friend just came in from San Francisco. I was like, Jesus Christ.

That's for to tell a story that your friend arrived? He stoked about everything. I like him. He is like, he's good energy. He is good energy. He's positive. Out of all these dudes, I think he has the most positive energy that's not rapey or creepy or free based right after we're done.

Who could I watch a game with? He's fun to watch a game with, that guy. And then probably Robert. You know, he seems like a good guy. Oh, I've seen this video that just went away. You have? That one. Is that him?

Is that my friend? Well, that's Big Time Tommy. I like him too. Do you know him? No, I've just seen that video. I fucking love him. So you know Big Time Tommy. So you know Big Time Tommy.

Yeah, Big Time Tommy for people that don't know. That's a good, I can see that. See, look at her light up. I do believe that you, I think you do need a big personality because you know what? He would appreciate that in you. I feel like we do need to, like we need to set you up with a big, like a Big Time Tommy type of guy.

A ridiculous man. Yeah, I think so. I see you light up. Here's my daughter the day. That's a Big Time Tommy. Yeah, you like that kind of. It makes me laugh so hard. Yeah, he's a lot of fun.

Make America old school again. He's pissing in the background. No, that's right. So you have a podcast that's, it's like, why am I single? It's called Why Won't You Date Me? Yeah. So what's going on with that? Like you.

I've been doing it for two years. Don't really have any clean cut answers. It's fun. In the beginning, I would interview dudes I've hooked up with and ask them why they wouldn't date me. And then I ran out of men who would agree to do it. So now I interview comics and friends. And then just like, like I did interview this girl that I dated

last summer and that was bad. What did she say? Well, she was like, you're bad at communication. You're not very open. You didn't respect my time. And I was like, I was the person you dated before. Yeah. And then and she was like straight up like,

yeah, she was, she really let me have it. And I, I was like, I could say things back, but like, I'll just be the bad guy. You can just vent and that's fine. But it's been like, it's been fun and interesting. And I like doing it. Was that hard to hear though? Or was it interesting?

Oh my gosh, I'll be devastated. No, it wasn't super hard to hear because I did tell her. I was like, I am bad at texting. I was also touring a ton. I was only here three days a week on the road. Yeah. What, four days a week? So I guess I should have set up front.

Like I don't really have time right now, but I don't know. I wanted to get my pussy eaten. Yeah. So I didn't. We have to use that. Make sure you mark that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a great, yeah.

We got a new drop pass. I wanted to get my pussy eaten. So, so you were, you're a bad communicator. And what else? And what, what have other people said about you? People that I spoke to that I hooked up with in my early 20s said that I had walls up, which is true. My dad died when I was 21.

It's a lot. You went through a lot, man. Yeah. So, and I still do have walls, but now I've been trying to be better about letting people in. But I think being vulnerable is inviting people to hurt your feelings. It's a natural thought. Yeah.

And that's hard for me still. Isn't there nothing worse than someone with no walls though? I know. You know, when someone's like, I am open in every regard. But that's why it makes us uncomfortable on that date. We were watching this dating show where the Australian people get back together again after being broken up. Oh.

To get back family. Oh, yes. Sometimes three, sometimes 10 years, sometimes 20. Damn. And there was this woman on there who was clearly, like, very emotionally available and very, like, in touch with herself. And Tom and I are so uncomfortable watching her. I was, like, turning in bed.

Yeah, we were like, oh, your emotional availability is killing me. I felt like he wanted to express these emotions that I was very comfortable with. And I reached out and I remember I squeezed his hand and just the way that his energy came That's a little too much. It's way too much. I could have, like, 5% of that. I think I'd be good. Yeah.

But I'm, like, bad at telling people how I feel in the moment because I'm like, I don't want to hurt your feelings. I was just like. But isn't that. You're just delaying the inevitable is what my therapist says. I think that's, but it's a skill set, though, too. Is what I feel like. Learning how to tell somebody how you feel in the moment.

Like, I've struggled with that, too. I don't feel like it's just, but it's very rare that you find that to be just a natural. You know what I mean? Gift. Like, people have to work on it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I agree. So you, you would, uh, like, let's say you're out on, you're with your partner or whatever

and they do something and it totally drives you up the wall. Like you're saying delaying the inevitable meaning. Eventually you're going to break up with that person because. Eventually I'm going to have to tell this person I don't like you doing that. Or like if you are dating someone, you're like, I'd like you to not date other people and you delay telling them that because you're afraid they're going to leave. And be like, well, I want to keep dating other people. You're just delaying the inevitable by not saying what you feel in the moment.

That's interesting. That's a good point. I never thought of it that way, but you're right. Do you work on that then? Is that something? I try, but, uh, I've just had, I'm not having a great time dating right now. I've been trying so hard. I just want to date with somebody who, very sweet, but like, uh, kind of boring.

And, uh, not funny. And I need like a funny person. Like I need someone who like gets jokes. And at one point he was just like, man, you're just so funny. And I was like, it's my job. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I'm silly.

I don't know. Uh, and then I tried to fuck this guy into coma, uh, I was there over the weekend. And so during the show, I have a joke about how, uh, if you've seen four dicks, you've seen them all. And then I talked about how my hotel gave me little bottles of vodka and a vibrator. And this guy in the crown goes, well, was the vibrator like one of the four dicks? And I was like, well, I don't need the vibrator. If I see your dick, would you fuck me?

Because, uh, you got to take opportunities when they're cute. And you liked them. It was dark. Okay. And he was a, it was a male voice. And I was like, I want a dick tonight. Great. So he was like, yeah, I'll fuck you.

And I was like, great. How old are you? And he was like, however old you want me to be. And I was like, that's how articles get written. How old are you? Yeah. He was like 33. And I was like, sick.

That works. Here's my email address. So I gave him my email address and cause I wasn't going to give him my phone number. That's insane. So then we're emailing back and forth. And he goes, do you want to go to like this gay bar for karaoke? And I was like, wait, is he gay? And I was like, no, I want to have a drink in my bar and go back to my room.

He goes, okay. And I was like, all right, maybe he's bi. I don't know. I'm not going to, I don't care. If you fuck me, I don't care. So then he comes to my hotel. He orders a Long Island ice tea. And I was like, oh my God, he can't be 33.

Yeah. And then he had gray contact lenses. And I was like, is he a time traveler? Yeah. From the year 2000. What are you, what are you looking at? He was tall, white, kind of gummy looking. Like he was made out of Play-Doh.

Like a doughy, a doughy white guy. They have like no musculature. Yes, but he wasn't fat. No, no, no, like a skinny doughy. Right. Like when God made him, he just put all the ingredients in a sack and it took a man form. Yes. Just a mushy guy.

Yes. Like if you touched him, your finger would go 100%. They're so wimpy and mushy. So he finishes his Long Island. I was like, let's go to my room. He's like, okay. So then we like start making. Long Island.

I know. One last time, like I drank those when I was 20. Yes. Like when you were 20, maybe 18. Aside from that drink choice, age wise, what do you peg him at when you're looking at him? Now I looked at his Instagram. Now I think he's, I would say, 21, 22.

Wow. Wow. So he really, okay. What the fuck? So then we're making out and it's not great. He's like, you don't seem like you're into it. I was like, I just want you to fuck me. So then he's like, well, let's use that vibrator

the hotel got you. And I said, okay. So it's like a little pocket rocket. I take it out and then he starts to put like, like take out a condom. And I was like, you're fully dressed. What are you doing? He's like, I'm going to put the vibrator in the condom.

And I was like, for what purpose? I'm going to rattle it around. It's this big. So then he was like, no, I thought that's what you're supposed to do. And I was like, why would you ever? It's mine and it's brand new. And he's like, whatever.

I guess we'll just use it. So then he starts rubbing it like on my mom's pubis, like not in my pussy, just like on the little hump. And I was like, I think I rolled my eyes so hard the bed shook. And he was like, you just don't seem like you're into it. And I was like, well, I don't know what you think that's going to do.

So he's like, you do it. So then I start doing it. And then he starts to go down on me. And then he goes, I have to go. I can't do this. And I was like, what? Is it me? Is it my pussy?

And then he's like putting on his shoes. And I said, oh, do that outside. I don't want you here. So then he leaves. And I went to the bathroom. I was like, does my pussy stink? And I was like, no, it smells like a pussy. And then my friend, I was telling her the story.

She was like, go on his Instagram. You have his full name. So I went on his Instagram. The first picture is him at the Pride Parade. So I was like, this gay man came to my room and then really had a moment and was like, I don't like women. Yeah, yeah. And I was the woman who did it for him.

There's no such thing, by the way, as like a straight dude who has the potential to fuck someone. So I was like, you want to go to this gay bar real quick? Yes, I know. That was the red flag. And I said, I ignore this red flag. I love flags. I'll collect them.

There were so many. And then the bartenders at the bar saw the exchange before I went to my room. And then the next day, I told them the story. And they were like, he did leave very fast. And we were just like, ooh, that girl got it done. And I was like, no, I got nothing done. Yeah.

So that was the last time I tried to have sex. And I think I'm going to take a little break. Yeah, that sounds terrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you like that. It's OK. My life is filled with really fun stories like that. After he left, I truly looked to the heavens and I was like, I don't want any more material.

I just want to have sex. I don't want more stories. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't blame you. What's your longest relationship? I dated someone on and off for like three years. But it was like very on and off.

We'd be like on for like a month or two and then off for like three months and then on for a month. Yeah. And he wasn't great. But he had a big old dick. There you go. It was such a nice dick. You do.

You know what you need? I know. And I see it now. You do need one of these guys who's like, how do I put this? Like a regular guy, loud and big, like these guys. What's the first guy we have? What do you mean? The Corona man?

Corona guy. All right. Like a big, loud guy. Neighbor hoodie. You know what I mean? But he knows everybody in the neighborhood. Hey, there's fucking Timmy the butcher and he's like the mayor of the block

and he's just really grounded and he wants to coach fucking soccer for his kids. And I don't know. Like those guys are nice. I like those guys. And you need a guy who adores you. Who have you been? I know.

But see, the thing is, that's what you need. You need a normal fucking guy who adores you and who loves everything about you, who loves your personality, who loves your jewelry and all this shit. That stuff helps, of course. The adoration. You know what I mean?

The adoration usually comes from a more grounded guy. Yes, that's what she's saying. That's what I'm saying. And the guy who's, you just want to fuck, they're never going to give you that kind of love. But she just wants that big ol' stinky dick kind of. I know. I do want a big ol' stinky dick.

You said stinky and I said stinky. Stinky. I don't want a stinky dick. I'm glad you caught that. Maybe bad. I mean, I wish I could hook her up with that one I saw yesterday. Yeah, Tom saw a huge one in some sweatpants. Yeah.

I mean, it was not the appropriate setting to see one either. Oh, where were you? Picking up my kid from school. And there's another dad there. And I was like, the fuck? What's in your pants, man? I mean, he was moving around.

Shit was like, you know, like every time he moved down, it looked like a trunk. It looked like an elephant trunk. That's a real treat. Yeah, I was like, it really. Oh, boy. And I was just looking at all because it was all like teachers and I kept looking at them like, are you seeing any people?

You know? And then they were looking at me like. And that's not something you can say out loud. I mean, are you all looking at that dick? This dick is really calling attention to everybody. You ever go to Lager games? No, I've never been to an NBA game. I've been to too many WNBA games.

I'm like, the only person in America who's been to. She should come with us next time. See some big ol' stinky dick things. Okay. That's what we go for. That's what I go for. You're like, fuck the game. Let's see the run-in.

Let's leave the Wii out of it. It's kind of like basketball. Sorry. Yeah. I like seeing LeBron's dong. Now he wears compression shorts. And they know that. But you got to go for the guys that.

I don't think you know he wears compression shorts. They all do. All the stars do. But like the bench players, they're like, I'm probably not going to get in. Then you can see some floppy. I don't know, floppy. And also football, they don't wear panties with their.

But don't they wear cups? No. Yeah, but I see their beast. No, that's like little league stuff. They don't wear cups in the NFL? They don't wear cups in the NFL. No. Some dudes wear a jock strap.

Okay, which like keeps things together. But like most just wear nothing. But they're like fucking tackling each other. It's crazy. And they also, they didn't wear it for the last 20 years. No one was wearing thigh pads. Like all and then they mandated you got to put something in there. So some dudes will cut like a little piece and put it in.

These are savages. Yeah. That's crazy. It is crazy actually. I also don't understand football. I know that you have four attempts to move the ball 10 yards. That's good. I don't even know that.

And I've been watching him watch football for 15 years. Watching him watch. I don't not understand it. I'm just kidding. It's hard. It's hard to know. I know a lot of arbitrary rules it seems. That's what I'm saying.

And then they're kicking the ball now. And he's like, I have an exciting thing to show you. It's not a creepy guy. Okay. This is a fun game. So this if you've know don't say anything. Right. It's for the other person.

I'm assuming neither you've seen this. This is a commercial that aired. And I don't think it is possible to guess what this commercial is for. Okay. Let's go. Let's give it a shot. For people listening women's giving birth in a bathtub. And there's yep.

There's the baby. Everyone's very emotional. Right. We're jumping ahead here. Baby's getting a little bit older. A couple of months old. You know, he's pulling himself up. Let's pause for a second.

So far, is there any guess as to what this could be? Super. I think maybe ancestry.com. It's a good guess. It's a good guess. Let's keep going. Now that the child is now a couple of years old. Right.

One or two. But you see that the family is growing. Now he's walking, progressing. He's probably four. He's pissing. Pissing in the water. He's scared of monsters. He's under the bed.

There's horses running. Obviously, you can hear the music. It's building. Dramatic. He's throwing rocks at glass bottles. He's in the river. Now he's peeking. He's jerking off to his mom.

Yeah. Oh, he's learning to shave. Right. So we're progressing through his life. All right. Any more guesses? Are we still? Water.

Something to do with water. Maybe his parents are going to die and this is for the boys and girls club. Oh, no. It would be such an bold promo. They're like, this will probably happen to you. He had a great life. Your parents are dead.

Come to the boys and girls club. Come to the boys and girls club. All right. How about gum? Now, without ending it, can you scroll a little bit? Like you scroll like, yeah. He becomes a woman. This is a commercial?

Yes. It was like one of those, yeah, big time, obviously. So now he's, we scrubbed ahead, but now he's a young man, right? So we can keep going. And by the way, this is not a joke. He's in Panoi. This is not a joke?

This is not a joke. This is real. This is a real commercial that was made. Yeah. So now he's, you know, he's becoming a man. He's checking out the world. Looks like he's maybe going off to college or entering the workforce.

Life asks you the same question. What are you going to try today? What? Oh, man. It's a subway commercial. Oh, man. What are you going to try today? Different things.

You want turkey. You want parm. You want the chicken parm. You want the meatball sub. You want the ham and cheese. We saw this man's whole fucking life. There's so many different choices.

02:09:55,120 --> 02:09:56,640 And it all leads up to this moment. Do you want avocado? That's an extra $299. Look at Annie's face. That is crazy. Fucking wild. I know. Yeah.

Yeah. I thought maybe it was a car commercial. 02:10:07,840 --> 02:10:08,800 They have those fucking... They do that sometimes. Safety. Yeah. Or McConaughey does those weird as fuck Lincoln commercials.

Yes. Or he's like, all right, all right, everybody inside. I'm in my car. Yeah. It's always weird here. That's insane. They got all existential on us. And it's two minutes.

I was engaged. I thought of my own children. Yeah. And then at the end, you're like, I need to get something. I gotta get something. No. It's the grossest shit. I'm going to get a $5 foot long.

I'm not going to eat something. I haven't eaten something in years. They smell. They smell like farts. It stinks. Yeah. It's no McDonald's. It's no McDonald's.

I love the smell of McDonald's. McDonald's is great. Strip waffle McFlurry is my favorite. It's great. You know, I love the two cheeseburger meal. It's great. That's perfect. I love a double quarter pounder without mustard

and light on the onions and then some french fries. Look at that. Oh, very specific. Are you like, I like scorching hot fries when they're like, when the oil is still like bubbling on the fries? You got to ask for them with no salt. What? Because then they give you new fries.

Really? Yes. Because they have to make a new batch of fries. That's the secret. When you add your own salt and they're. You just changed my whole life. Very hot. Wow.

Oh, unsalted fries, please. And then I'll go, damn it. Now, would you guys like to know a little insider secret that I learned while working with McDonald's a couple of weeks back? Yeah. You know the McRib is a seasonal item, right? Yes.

Do you want to know why? Tell me. Pork shortage. They don't have enough pork to make it a year round item. Interesting. How many pickles are on the McRib? Go ahead. Four.

I think it's two. Oh, I don't know. I thought it was two. Well, he just said that. She's like, he knew. He did. Like, he really was like, I used to make him. I love McRibs.

I don't think I've ever had a McRib. What? I don't try new things. Then how did you guess four? Because people seem to fucking love pickles and they just throw a lot of pickles on shit. I hate pickles. You don't like McRibs, though?

Or you never tried a McRib? Wait, do you like barbecue? I love barbecue. All right, this is not that. Look, the McRib is not on par with the best barbecue. But if you dig it, if you dig barbecue, I mean, that's the closest you're going to get to it without going to a barbecue place.

All right. It's its own taste, you know? It's its own taste. It's its own taste. McDonald's, it's its own taste. That's a good slogan. McDonald's, do it different. McDonald's, it's not barbecue.

But the McRib sauce is amazing. That's what gets you. That's what gets you. It's so good. It's one of those things where it's like when you get here, we try heroin. It's either something that connects with you or it doesn't. Have you tried heroin?

No, but our previous guest did. And he said it either shuts you down, I feel sick, or you're like, I feel alive. Interesting, yeah. So I think the McRib is very similar. OK. Yeah. McDonald's won't love that sound buddy.

Yeah, I might have to run that one by corporate. We'll see. My favorite past food is taco bell. Is it really? Really? What's your entree? What do you get? I get a Crunchwrap Supreme and then a little soft taco.

And then if I'm feeling like really passing away, I'll get a quesadilla. I love a quesadilla. Before we go, I just realized this. Because you've dated both men and women. So one of our staff guys here, who's also a great comedian, his name is Josh Potter. He has trouble finishing with a woman.

Not that he's into men. It's just that he has trouble coming with one. He can come alone. So we put it out there that women, if they wanted to, could volunteer to make him come. To make them come. And so they sent in videos of themselves. I mean, Josh, have you come with a woman at all

since all this began? What? Not since this began, no. But you have had sex? Yeah. And it's always, you're like, so you're done? I go, well, today wasn't your day. And then I go, I guess I got to go back to the drawing board.

Today wasn't your day. He does not. Well, do you make sure they can? You can hop back in the queue. Maybe try again down the road. Do you make sure they come at least? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.

He's good at that, I think. OK. I mean, he basically can go as long as you want. I don't want to think about Josh making people. Well, when you're alone, are you watching porn? Sometimes, sometimes I'm not. I can go imagination style. I got to practice for when I can't see someday.

He has a degenerative eye condition. Oh, OK. I was like the interesting forecast for your future. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But do you ever think about watching porn like to try to finish? Have you tried that? Oh, dude.

Oh, you mean like with a woman? With a woman. I haven't had a woman who has been like a game for that yet, but I should oppose it. 02:15:27,120 --> 02:15:27,680 What? I know you're right. Dude, they haven't brought it up.

This is the actual of everybody that has weighed in. That's a great suggestion. This is a really, this is the best idea. She's brilliant. That is a brilliant idea. If there's a will, there's a way. And there are so many women that would be down for that. Yeah, they're right.

I just haven't brought it up to a woman before. What you do is you put the iPad like behind her head. And then you put your favorite thing on. You're like, it doesn't matter what you like. It's about me. And then press play and you just start pounding. You're going to finish. Yeah, I think like if I put it on the television screen,

I go, Alexa, play and then it will do it. So I don't even have to get up or get out of the. Exactly. Honestly, yes. And I think, uh, I think some woman will think that's hot. Some might not be into it. Can we do one other thing? Nadav, can you show Nicole what was submitted for Josh?

Do you have access to that? So we put it out there that he was, we're just like, oh, you know, uh, he's has this issue we can't finish with. And like, dude, he like, he was sent submissions of people wanting like volunteering to be involved. To make Josh come. Yeah. I mean, this is very nice.

It's incredibly thoughtful. It's very thoughtful. Do you think you'd want to make Josh come? Oh, there was big time. I don't know. I feel like I would be disappointed if he didn't come. Yeah. And I was like, that's my, that's my one goal.

Yeah. I just, I think this is pretty interesting. Hey, mommies. This is Daniella here submitting my video for make Josh come or deal. I have a dog. She says hello. I also have other things that Josh may be into. Who knows?

He's a psychopath. But this is my submission saying try it out. I do have a full set of teeth. Ignore the pimple, if you will. And my farts might be as good as this one. Maybe that's what he'd like. Try it out. Well, are you into being punished?

02:17:38,000 --> 02:17:39,600 Not really, no. Okay. Seems like that's not my bed. That's a cool submission just to receive, right? 02:17:44,800 --> 02:17:45,600 Can I tell you something? I think she's girlfriend material.

02:17:47,200 --> 02:17:48,000 She's great. And I think she's willing to try different things. Like I don't think it'd be like a one and done. I think she would really, she's a girl. She's a girl. I'd rather go to see her it out. You would not come and she'd be like,

we're going to do something different. Yeah, she would just keep trying. Yeah. She's good, but she's a keeper. Good morning, Joshua. She's got crazy eyes. Jackie from Ottawa, Canada. And I think that I should get to win the contest

to make Josh Potter come because I'm in Canada and he can't actually come here to see me. So I need to go there to see him. And I've heard that you're pretty into lesbians. So I do have a friend that could be potentially interested in joining me. So pick me. Try it out.

Jackie from Canada. I don't think she's in it for the right reasons. Wow. I do not think she's sincere about trying to make you come. Wow. Interesting. Tell us why. I just, her being like, I have to come see you.

Well, I don't know. Can you not go to Canada? You can't for legal reasons. Okay. Well, I don't know. She just didn't seem sincere to me. Wow. And then she's like, and my friend.

And it just, it just seemed like two girls who are like in it to try to fuck somebody that they listen to and admire. She seems like a star fucker. Wow, Nicole. Wow. Now these, all the guys here were very taken with her. She's very pretty.

She's very beautiful. Pretty people get what they want for a reason, but I see through her. Wow. Wow. Interesting assessment. That is, that is interesting. Now we followed up with her.

Let's show her this last one. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, sorry. I'm wanting jeans. My name is Ariana with two ends, and I'm going to make Josh come. I saw on Dr. Drew's podcast that he has two problems, which is born relationships and eye contact.

And so here's, I'm going to figure this out. I'm here to tell you there are no strings attached, so you don't have to worry about that. And I can do this shit with my eye for a long ass time. So we'll even out the playing field the whole time, although it'll only take you four strokes to come because I know myself. I'm home here now, so you can hit me up,

but I just figured out that Instagram has DMs. So give me a minute, but hit me up, and I'll show you how these tits fart. Now, she seemed like kind of, like she wanted to solve the puzzle. Yes, but she didn't really give any solutions. Homegirl in the first one gave some examples. She was like, I have toys.

Let's try to play with toys. And I think if the toys didn't work, she would have a second solution. I think this woman came in with a game plan. This one I think is fun. And I think, I also think she in the moment will get not scared, but just be like, I don't know, like a little frazzled.

I don't think she's as confident as she is. It's such fascinating analysis, actually, to hear you weigh in on this. Well, I felt the same. Similarly, in the beginning, I said the first one. Remember? I go, she's the one. She's the deal, the deal, the deal. I think you and I read, we sent something in her,

some sort of genuineness, yeah? She was genuine, but also a plan. She had a plan. Yeah. Wow. I don't know how you guys feel about this. How does Josh feel? Number one. Oh, wow. And he's the number one, too.

Josh. I'm sticking with my solution. So Josh chose number two. Yeah. It's not going to go well. I'll tell you that. Like, I know for a fact this isn't, it's not going to go well.

It's going to go very poorly. You're making a very bad decision. You're wasting an opportunity. I love it, because she's going to fuck around. She's not in it for Josh's day. And are you flying her out here? Yeah. Tom's cigar is flying them out, I believe, right?

Yes. You better make sure she gets in a car and heads to his house and doesn't just fly here and do whatever. Yeah, yeah, good point. I mean, no. We have, I mean. I don't trust her.

Wow. What do you think's going to happen? I don't know. I just, maybe she flies here and then her plane lands and then you never see where she goes. Maybe she's getting a free trip to LA. Yeah, yeah. I don't know.

I just, there's something off about her. Can I watch it again? Oh, let's put it on again. Yeah, that's exciting. This is fucking great. I love it. Good morning, Joshua. Let's pause a second.

Just so you know, some of the things that you're hearing in these, that, the good morning. It's, it's inside jokes. Okay, she's just making sure that you know it's not her normal career. Okay. Good morning, Joshua. It's me, Jackie, from Ottawa, Canada.

And I think that I should get to win the contest to make Josh Potter come because I'm in Canada. And he can't actually come here to see me. So I need to go there to see him. And I've heard that you're pretty into lesbians. So I do have a friend that could be potentially interested in joining me. So pick me, try it out.

Jackie from Canada. She didn't even check in with this girl first before making the video and offering up this girl's services. She's not thoughtful. She's not going to be thoughtful with your dick. Wow. Brilliant insight. I really like your assessment here.

The best decision I ever made was suggesting that you watch this. Yeah. We need you to analyze all of our videos. Geez. Also, pick me because you can't come to Canada. So I have to go there is not a real thing. That's not a, that's not a reason.

Wow. She literally has said nothing of value or tangible in that video. Well, she's hot and all the guys. She's very pretty. I'll give her that. She's gorgeous. But I don't know.

Does this make Josh second guesses Joyce at all? No. He is. He's definitely all right. He made his decision. But it was, it was, it was fun to hear somebody else. Oh boy. This first girl though, that's a ride or die bitch right there.

Yes. Yeah. You might end up in a relationship with her. I see, whatever. I like her. I like her too. I felt that I agree. She, I think she genuinely likes Josh.

Yeah. I could see a girlfriend there too. I think the main thing, like what I took the most from the three is that Josh isn't worthy of any of them. Yeah. Obviously. But I still, you know, I want him to, I want him to come so badly.

I want you to come too. And I, you know, I'm happy that he was able to make a choice that his dick feels his best. Yeah. What's happening when you can't come? I just keep going. It's just hard and keeps staying that way. What's in your brain?

Oh, I don't, I don't have bad things probably. I don't know. Do you go to therapy? I don't know. Nothing, nothing. I'm gone. I'm like this. Do you go to therapy?

I'm dabbling. Do you wait, do you fully check out during, does your mind just go sometimes? Yeah. Really? You might be dealing with trauma from your past that you don't know how to deal with, and it's bringing up your trauma from your past.

That's what they say. I think it's, I think you got to dive a little bit deeper into therapy. And then maybe a therapist can give you suggestions on how, I don't think a sex therapist, I think a real therapist. And then the therapist can give you suggestions on things to try during sex to help you stay in the moment.

You're just, Yeah, I'm a, I'm open to all that. And I'm going to keep exploring those things. Meanwhile, I'm also going to have a, You're going to try to fuck that. A practicality type of tests. But Josh, did you hear what you said? That you go other places when you have sex.

You're not engaged in the moment. So you're dissociating. You're, that's what, that's what dissociation is when you go somewhere else. So you're, something's going on. She's right. You got to see a shrink, like for real. Talk about some trauma shit.

Hmm. And in the meantime, I will, See, he's dissociating right now. He doesn't want to stay in the moment. He's talking about his problem. Yeah. And I understand what you're saying about person number one there, but if we're going to do the Josh is going to get married game,

maybe I would have picked her, but this is just trying to nut. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair, fair. Very fair. Fair. Fair enough.

All right. I mean, they can all get a, they can all get a try. Or like I said, like, They can't. You're fucking getting greedy. I like it. I love it.

I'm just saying, I mean, if the, if Jackie doesn't work out, you know, I say kick rocks, toots. So I'm like. Kick rocks, toots. The toots is really funny. Kick, kick rocks, toots. Kick rocks, toots.

Woo. Jesus Christ. Oh man. Yep. There it is. What is going on? Elementary. So.

All right, Nicole, this was a lot of fun. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for coming. So real treat. Let's keep bringing the site up, please. We had it prepped before. You need to come back. Oh, she's gorgeous.

Thank you. What a beautiful photograph. It's the website I made myself. So that's why it's hard to read. Hit tour dates. If you hit tour dates. Up on the day. All right.

Oh, you're really hitting the road. You're out there. Yeah. Let's see. This will come out probably in a few more weeks, right? So maybe the either the Raleigh one or definitely by Montreal you're going to. Yep.

Doing the festival. Then August I'm off. August you're off and then you hit the road. Yeah. Got a bunch of dates. So if you are in Houston, Dallas, Cleveland, Detroit, Toronto, Tampa, West Nilek, Lexington, Washington DC, Ben Salem.

I learned how to say it yesterday. Or Boston San Jose. Go to nicolebuyer.com. Get tickets. Go see her live. She's absolutely hilarious. And that's it. Yeah.

Thank you for coming. Thank you for having me. All right. Thank you. Hi there, Mom's house. I think I could make Josh come. If you want to see it, tell me yes. If you don't, it's okay to love on.

So I can't promise four strokes. Scrum goddess for sure though. And we can get no less, but be cautious with the jokes. Let's try freaky shit. Yeah. All of it. Well, most of it too. Coax a bit of it.

It's hard way down from those testies. Test me. I'm showering in Josh's. Come confetti. You're thus messy.