Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 511-Ryan Sickler & Steven Randolph-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 7, 2019

The Master Of Accents starts the show. Deadass, would you go into a burning Burger King for your change? Maybe, if you're a TikTok. Christina has a whole new batch of TikToks today plus we get an understanding of how hairy Josh Potter is REALLY. Ryan Sickler is a comedian and writer who hosts a podcast right out of Studio Jeans known as The HoneyDew. Get on our channel where you find this show and make sure you check out all the great episodes. Christina tells us all how she hates helmets. Remember when seat belts were cool? Christina also shows Ryan some choice TikToks and Sickler weighs in on INTRO WARS. Next up is Steven Randolph. He's a stand-up comic who knows his way around certain "parties." Steven has brought in his own multi-media (which we can show portions of) in order to explain the type of "party" we are discussing here. Every wanted to upset a whole theater of epople? Let Steven show you how! Check out the video Bob Odenkirk inspired!

Right as we pulled up here to record this segment, I was on the phone with my cousin, and I told my cousin, you can spend the night at our house tomorrow if you come over, and then you said to her, and you can finger your pussy while you're there. Yeah. I mean, she was like, I'm sorry, what?

Yeah. And you go, you heard me, and you can finger your, you can. You know? What was that all about? Well, I'll tell you why. Yeah, please tell me why. First of all, your cousin, it's Jeanette,

and she's been on your mom's house. She has been, years ago. Many, many years ago. And for those of you who don't know cousin Jeanette, she can rip burps like a 500 pound trucker. So she is no lady. So don't think that she can't handle a comment like that. She is so nasty.

She says crazy stuff to me all the time. Things that I've never even repeated to you, they're so awkward. Oh my God. She talks about, I'll just give you a little teaser, about used dirty sex toys that she lets lay around, and that, yeah, and then reusing them, and getting infections from them, and things like that.

Okay, thank you. Yeah, she nasty, so she can handle it. I'm really happy with this start. You brought it up, bro. I'm sorry, why? You know, you've been extra nasty lately, though, around the house. You've been farting a lot more in your boxer shorts

at night when we're laying in bed. You walk to the bathroom, and you play the butt flute, and you pull your butt cheeks apart, and you make the sound go. Dude, anyone who hasn't done that hasn't lived. Next time you could feel like a big fart coming, and you're standing up, take your clothes, be butt naked, and take your hand, and just.

That's what he does. Jiggle your cheeks. Could you show them? I don't think people understand. Just jiggle your cheeks. Stand up and show them. No, no, no, no. Jiggle your cheeks.

Nobody gets it. And the air will come out differently against the, yeah, the pitch will change. So it'll go like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like revving an engine. But you've been doing it a lot. Like, I've been laying in bed.

Why would I waste the opportunity? Let me tell you what I've been doing for you, though. As a beautiful wife, mother of two children, I'm trying to maintain for you. So am I. I buy nice, pretty pajamas. So I don't look like a dumpy wife. And here I am in my nice, silky jammies.

And then you get up to go pee, and then you're a, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. But, you think you could show some respect? I do respect you. You don't even think of me as a woman. I do think of you as a woman, of course. I just have a little, I go, oops, I had a little tooth.

You don't say, oops, you're so nasty. I'm not nasty. You're the one that told me you basically est in your panties at Nordstrom's in the dressing room. Well, here's what I was wondering. Here's a debate I'd like to have with you. And by the way, you always put on this show about like, Tom's gross.

I mean, you fart and burp all day. Yeah, no, professionally, just on the job. But at home, I'm very clean. No. At home, I don't really do it so much, do I? What are you talking about? Yes, you do, you do it all the time. You do it at the table.

You'll go, and then see the other thing. You'll just like casually pass by it. Yeah. It's kind of gross. But that's why I have two little boys. We high five and that's how you teach them to be boys. Okay. You know what I mean?

Oh yeah, so I was at the Nordstrom, you know? Yes. And I'm trying on bras by myself. And I had to fart and I was holding them in, holding them in and she went away to go get me another size bra that the sales attendant. And a little, a little bit snuck out, just a little. And you know that moment of panic washes over you.

It's like, she's gonna be back in a second. So in my stupid, dumb animal brain, I was like, but if I open up the door to the changing room, maybe it'll air it out and like, I'll be safe. No, she knows. Do you think she knew? She definitely knew. Yeah, and it happens all the time.

She's walking into Far Clouds all day. She definitely is. Happens all the time. I feel like I do that a lot. I've done that. You know, I've done it at parties too. Done it at bars. We're like, you know, like, you're like,

oh, I gotta rip one and you fart and you're like, oh my God. And then you turn and someone's like, hey man. Oh my God. And you're like, hey. Yeah, comedy store. The comedy store, for some reason,

I always choose to eat garlic and vegetables right before a set at the comedy store. And then I have like ripping hot farts and I'll be like in the green room alone and I'll let a hot one fly. And then like Neil Brennan will come in and I'm like, oh, fuck man. Yeah, he's like, hmm.

Yeah, he'll call you out. Oh yeah, of course. Do you wanna play this opening clip? Yeah, you are really excited about this. I don't know what we're gonna watch. It's so great. I'll just, I'll play it and then we can get into the dirty. Yeah, I can't wait.

Okay, here, here you go, buddy, here you go. What do you think makes it a great town? Yeah, that's a tourist ride. It's great, isn't it? It's great, give it your all, boy. This shit is big time. Oh, it's real. Don't bring it in the mud, it is.

Don't burn it in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina, the shit's in here. Oh my god. Christina, the shit's in here.

Christina, the shit's in here. Christina, the shit's in here. Christina, the shit's in here. Christina, the shit's in here. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh my god. That shit made me so happy. Let me allow me to point out, Yana,

that I get a lot of S for my TikTok selections. This guy doesn't seem far off from a TikTok. You know what I'm saying? I'm not sure what he's saying. Do you know anything at all? This is an Irish man. Right. And it was just sent to me on Twitter

by Dara Quilty. That's the guy's name, I think. Yeah. Dara or Dara? Dara Quilty. He sent me this and he was like, I hope to see this on your mom's house. And I watched it and I was like,

I'm sending this right away to Blue Band. And yeah. Do you think the other guy can understand what he's saying? The guy on the purple sweater, does he know what that guy says? He does. Actually, the way you can tell that he does

is in his answers, he'll say what the guy's saying. He's like explaining it. Here it is from the beginning. And we're here in Kalarani because we've been invited by a very special character. I hear he's a local legend. And his name is Sham.

Sham, how are you? How are you? We're here in Kalarani today. Nice to meet you. Are you from Kalarani? I'm from Palo Alto. I'm from Kalarani. Oh shit.

So you're listening? He appears to be not make eye contact at all. I don't know if he is blind, right? Because he doesn't look at the guy he's meeting at all. Maybe he's just drunk

Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't have all of his teeth? No, doesn't have all of his teeth. I don't know how many? No, there's only one, two, three, just like our infant son.

Yeah. I think our infant has more teeth than this guy. That's, yeah. He did not take good care of his teeth. I tell our toddler that all the time.

You gotta take care of your teeth. You gotta brush him otherwise you're gonna look like this guy. I mean, I kind of pick up on a little bit of what he's saying, you know? Like a little bit. How are you?

Sean, how are you? Good, how are you? Good my dear. I'm here in Kalarani today. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. How are you from Kalarani? Five miles away.

Born and bred. Five miles away? The master of accents- we haven't played this in a long time. I know. I know this is a master of accent segment, but I don't like he- I'm most troubled by where he's

looking. He's not looking anywhere near where the guy is. Yeah. He's never even looking that direct. But maybe he's never seen a camera before.

Like maybe he's like, I think that's one of the symptoms of diabetes. Isn't it? You go blind. Alcoholic diabetes. Yeah, they do. They do.

This guy's been drained. Wait, are you trying to tell me this guy has health problems? I mean, he doesn't- What do you think makes it a good idea? No, it looks good. What?

It's great, isn't it? It's great. Give me some more. I can't. Fuckin' A. I don't- I missed these. I didn't realize how much I

missed these until now. How many pints do you think he's had in his day? All the pints. All of them. All day. All day, all pints. Man.

Like, Guinness can basically break down their revenue and they're like, and then there's him. There's Europe and this guy. Yeah. North America. But Guinness has some healthful

properties, which is why he's still alive. He's still alive. He's still alive. He's still alive. He's still alive. He's still alive. He's still alive.

He's still alive. He's still alive. He's still alive. That's why he's still alive. I guess, yeah. Wait, can you keep- can you play it again? This one?

It makes me laugh. But he's moving his eyes another direction. This time he actually- So he looks at him. Yeah, he looks at him. And his eyes move. Yeah.

Uh-oh. So he's not blind. Everything makes it a great talent. I don't want to get him. Let me get more of his glam, man. All the doors with more of that. Not hot enough to door.

Yeah. That's a tourist ride. Tourist home glam, man. Is he speaking gay? I don't understand what he's saying. It's Welsh, isn't it? I don't know what that is.

I mean- I have no idea what it's saying. It could be fucking Aramaic. That's how little I understand of it. Swahili. Swahili. Swahili.

Swahili. Swahili. Swahili. And the guy's like, so it's great. The tourists are coming. Hey, isn't it? Great.

Gibi Drogway. Great. Gibi Drogway. Gibi Drogway. What's he saying? Let's try that one. I know it's your favorite thing about Kalani.

Timmy Conner, my best friend. Shut it in. Timmy Conner, from Shut It In. He's my best Timmy Conner. Yeah? Pooplare. Pooplare. He's a pooplare.

He's a pooplare. Timmy Conner came in around in the hair. Dude. What is he saying, Tommy? Please. Let me get it. Hold on. Wait, let's try the translator.

Let's really try it. I'm really going to listen. And what's your favorite thing about Kalani? Okay, he says, so what's your favorite thing about Kalani? Sure.

I got that. What's Kalani's the region? That's the city, though. Yeah, okay. Timmy Conner, my best friend. Shut it in. To me, Kalani, the best thing is.

Wow. Yeah, so he's about to tell you. Wow. I did not. Oh, here, turn it into Kalani. No, to me, Kalani, the best thing is.

Wow. To me, Conner, my best thing is. The best thing is. Make a big, is there a Conner in there from a best thing? They were on the thing?

Best thing is. Shut it in. To me, Conner from Shut It In. He's my best Timmy Conner. Shut It In. Pooplare. I'm lost again. I said the cheese.

The cheese. No. Yeah, We make great cheese and there's great people here. Play it again. Play it again. I'm being serious.

I really can't understand this guy. No shit you can't understand. You're acting like you can't understand. There are times I can. This is really bad. This guy is another planet. Okay.

What's your favorite thing about Kalani? To me, Conner, my best thing is. Shut It In. To me, Conner from Shut It In. He's my best Timmy Conner. Shut It In. Pooplare. To me, Conner is a pooplare.

He's a good player. Yeah. Jimmy Conner. He's a good player. Jimmy Conner came from here and he's a good player. Yeah. Wow.

Who's Jimmy Conner? Tell me if you think this is a good idea or not. We're going to go with the Jarvis. The Jarvis. Yeah. Good idea. I'm a Jarvis. I'm a farmer.

I'm a farmer. I'm a farmer. I'm a potato farmer. He's a farmer. Yeah. He's a potato farmer. I don't think I heard potato. I'm a potato farmer.

He said I'm a dry farmer. Right. His nose looks like a potato. Yeah. Nope. There we go. How much? Tell me if you think this is a good idea or not.

We're going to go with the Jarvis. Jarvis. Yeah. Good idea. I'm a farmer. You're a farmer. I'm a joint farmer. I'm a joint farmer.

I'm a joint farmer. A pot? Like I grow joints. First of all, I don't know why this guy is a legend. He's like, we're going to meet those guys. What do you mean? I'm a joint farmer. I'm a joint farmer.

I'm a joint farmer. I'm a joint farmer. I'm a joint farmer. I'm a joint farmer. I'm a joint farmer. I'm a joint farmer. I'm a joint farmer. Who is he?

He's a legend. He's like, we're going to meet those guys. What do you mean? The legend, kaka doodle do, whoever his name is. You don't understand why this is a legend? Why is he a legend? Who the fuck do you think else is in this town that's like this? This guy's the one and only.

He's a local legend. The three tooth drunk guy? Of course, but there's one of those in every place and island. Not like this guy. This guy's everywhere in the UK. He's at every pub. And is this your regular spot, Winner Conner's Barrier? Now it makes sense.

The best thing about the town is O'Connor's Bar, the bar that he's in. Remember, what's the best thing and he goes, Connors, and what's your favorite thing about Colourney? To me, Conner, my best thing is to be Conner from Chester Den. He's my best to be Conner from Chester Den. Conner. This is depressing. No, it's fine.

He's fine. Look how stoked the guy is in the purple shirt to be listening to this guy. Well, yeah, he's never met a tic-tac up close. He's stoked. And is this your regular spot, Winner Conner's Barrier? I'm on Jack's door, now he's with Jack Timmons here and John and Jack's there. Okay. I moved around.

You moved around a lot? I moved around a lot. Oh, boy. He said I just jacked off the end. He did. You hear him say it? He said it. He goes, I just jacked off at the very end.

That's serious. He did. And is this your regular spot, Winner Conner's Barrier? I'm on Jack's door, now he's with Jack Timmons here and John and Jack's there. Okay. I moved around. You moved around a lot? I moved around a lot.

I mean, I just jacked off. I just jacked off. Oh, yes. He said Jack and Jill went up to help. And then I just jacked off. And then I moved around a lot and I just jacked off. Yeah. That's really great.

Well, come here. Is this your favorite pub in town? No, I'm not. I enjoy them there. They're good to me. They're good to you. They're good to me. Linda.

They're good to me. Linda's good to you. She's back there somewhere. She's hiding from the camera. Linda's the camera. Linda. Linda wants to know. What's the point of goodness like here, Sham?

Good. What? I love goodness. So you recommend Kalarney anyway. Best town in Ireland. Best town in Ireland. Yeah. Tucson.

What age do you know, Sham? Do you mind going? 71. Go on. 71. Tell me when I'm gone. 71. Go on.

71 and gone. 71 of them are gone. Oh, I thought he meant. Oh, you know. 71 and I'm gone. He has a hard 71. He's really. Damn.

Check it. Seven, ten. Go on and check this. Okay. Okay. No, I'm not enjoying them there. They're good to me. Well, you're doing great for 71, aren't you?

Great. Thank God. My business is immediate. Oh, of course you will, yeah. Absolutely. And what's the crack like with all the lads here in the bar? Very nice, lad. You know what I mean?

What's the crack like? Yeah. Enjoy my brother there. How do you shoot the shit with the boys here? What's the crack like with the boys here? The lads here. Great. It's fucking, these guys are the shit.

Well, you're doing great for 71, aren't you? Great. Thank God. My business is immediate. Oh, of course you will, yeah. Absolutely. And what's the crack like with all the lads here in the bar? Very nice, lad.

Let me see if I'm enjoying this one. Yeah? Okay. I can't do it anymore. I'm done. Well, that's the last one. I'm done. Thank God, because I'm exhausted.

I keep thinking, do you ever, when you see people like him, you just think, thank God, I'm not like that. My business is immediate. 71 gone. If you're listening to this and you're ever depressed in your life, just think, at least I'm not that guy talking. Check the temperature, do you want a injection? Okay.

Fuck me. Okay. Oh, my God. That's a really good master of accents. I mean, that really brought it back to me, you know? I need to work on the muscle again. Yeah. Yeah.

Really cool. That is terrible. How depressing is that place? Fuck that. You know what? To me, it's symbolic of America. You always bum me out with your clips. How?

I feel like my clips uplift the show and then... Oh, here, this is uplifted. You could be happy that you're not this lady. Okay. Hey, go! Go! Get down! Move!

Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move!

Move! Move! Now, give me my money is where I'm asking for. She wants to buy you back. Yeah, it's a lady at a drive-through that's on fire. She's at a Burger King that's on fire. The employees have left, and the reason they left the building is because it's on fire. And the lady's like, I want my money.

I guess she hasn't been given her change yet. Right. Oh, right, right. It's like $2.75, maybe? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's nobody but three funds on money now to build it up high. No one's just laughing in there.

Now, you don't want to come out here that serious? You're fucking stupid! This is why you work at Burger King! That's why you work at Burger King! Make it $13,000! How much change do you think it's worth to stick around? I mean... Like, how much could she possibly be waiting for that's worth this confrontation?

$138,000 or something. Yeah, no, it's pretty cool. You know what I was thinking the other day is how bananas, like, people have always acted like this in public until now. We get to see it. We just didn't know that this lunacy happened. And then the rest of the world is lucky that we get to showcase it to you. So in case you miss it in your personal life, we're here to give it to you.

I know! You know what's interesting is we were talking about that, how that's really been our talent, is finding the outer reaches, the corners, the dark recesses. The best of the best. Yeah, the best of the best, and showcasing. For everybody. Oh, that's, that's weird. Damn.

That's so rude to put down working people. Of course it is. People do that. And, and she's the real dummy that's sitting there trying to get your fucking change from the building that's on fire. Stupid bitch. Like, who needs to be told, hey, make sure you don't go in there right now because it's on fire.

No, that fucking TikTok right there, bro. Yeah, well... What a jerk. It's a real jerk move, man. It's a real jerk move to talk to somebody. You know, horrible, hard, and hard. That job is to work at Burger King and, and you know what I mean? Deal with the public and then you're smelling nasty food all day long and...

No, it's not easy. That's tough. That is tough. I was listening to our episode with Johnny Pemberton and just laughing at that Tony guy. Yeah. You know, I was sitting in my car just peeing my pants. Ah, we have body hair. We have body hair, yeah.

He might be my new favorite. I miss him. I want to know what else he's up to, but he locked up his Instagram. Why did he lock it up? Why did he lock it up? I can't imagine why, but it... Did you do something? I don't know.

Like, all we do is showcase people's gifts. What did we do? We just brought him the light. We just let him know that... Ha ha! Ha ha! Wow! We have body hair.

We have body hair. We have body hair. Su-woo. Su-woo. He was really... It was so interesting how little he was saying in his videos. That's the best part of somebody like him, you know? Yeah.

He doesn't... We're drinking, but you got to stay. You can't drink and drive. Because if you do, you got to let someone else drive. They got to get uvas. Yeah. And then you got to do that. We were just talking about, too, today, how...

If there are girls out there that have sex with dumb guys, like, you know, the opposite's really apparent in the world, where most guys will bang any girl as long as she's hot, but the opposite. Yeah, I mean, I'm known real hardcore skank, because that'll bang the dumbest of the dumb. Now, personally, I can't do it. You know, I need some kind of intellect on the guy.

Yeah. How good-looking he is. It's such a turn-off. Just for a bizang, though? But I've never really been that girl. But even just to, like, kiss or something? Can't be just a total fucking duck. A total TikTok?

No way. I can't deal with that. Yeah, I don't mind. You don't mind? No, your first love was a Dalmatian. Yeah, no, it bothers you after a while, though, you know? When you start talking to him. Just that part?

Yeah, because at first you're just like, yeah, I'll just shove it in. It doesn't matter. But then you start realizing that, like, oh, we have to have dinner now. You know what I mean? Talk in between the shovens. Yeah.

You need to make conversation. Yeah, and then you're like, oh, I want to fucking kill myself. Yeah. Talking to this person. Yeah, but your priority is just to shove it at that age. Yeah. So you don't care about the other stuff.

At what age do you start to care about what comes out of their head versus... I mean, my dad's 73 and I still don't think it matters to him. Yeah, it really changes from man to man. He married someone that probably didn't speak English. That's great for a lot of guys. Yeah. Like an ideal.

I don't know. I mean, it's different from guy to guy. I couldn't do it after... I don't know. I could even do it in my early 20s, really. I could go on a date and put it in your mouth, but I don't feel like I'm not going to keep calling you if you're a total TikTok, you know?

Yeah. So one mouth push, one mouth kisses, and then... Yeah. I mean, if it's unbearable to talk... That was... I mean, I went on dates where I was like, holy, she don't want to die right now. What was the dumbest girl you ever dated?

I went on a date with a cashier that I met at Target. Not that that's why she's a Dalmatian. Right, of course. That's just where I met her. And I actually asked her for a number. She gave it to me. I picked her up and she was just like... What does she look like?

Let's look... Let's go through it. Now, first of all, you're at Tarjay, and she's got on like her red shirt. And what does she look like? What's her deal? Blonde. You like blondes?

Yep. She's cute. She's hot. I don't know. She's just good looking. Good. Really good, Tom. What do you mean?

How do you mean she's hot? Is she nice to you? Like, did you feel like chemistry? No, she's just hot. No, she's just hot. You just didn't... I was like, she's hot. I was like, put your fucking phone number on there.

Oh, stop. I did. Be honest. I swear to God. That was your game back then? I just... I'd never done it. I remember I'd never done that.

And that was the first time you were like, put your number on there too. And she did. That's... And then I just walked away and I was like, oh, I'm going to call her. Try this. I took her out.

I picked her up and I'm in college. She's living at home. So she's like 19 or something and I'm 21. I come... I go to her house and her dad answers the door. I was like, oh, shit. And he was, you know, just polite, but like, have her home by like midnight or something. I was like, okay.

He's like, stick it in her? Yeah. I don't know what you're going to do, but just clean her up and drop her back off. Isn't that gross that dads totally know that you just want to finger bang and blast? It's got to be the worst. And this guy's got to know that like, he made an attractive doll. Like he knows... Yeah.

Everyone wants to pump her for a drink. Everyone wants to splooge in my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Because what his shirt said, his shirt said, everyone wants to splooge in my daughter. She's just a comreg for the neighborhood. She totally is. Yeah.

But anyways, I was like, all right, that's enough time to, you know, a couple of shelves, right? So... Couple shelves. I'm like, all right, let's go to dinner. You took your dinner? That's really nice of you. Yeah, of course.

That's why you're a sweet guy. I take her to dinner. Where do you go? And it's... I don't remember the name of the place. What city is this in? Florida? No, it's in North Carolina.

Okay, okay. So I take her to dinner and it is like pulling fucking teeth. It's like, you know, so what are you like, what are you doing right now? It's like, I'm working there and then I'm taking this class. Cool. Do you like it? It's okay. Okay.

You know what I mean? Like that. I'm like... It's painful. I remember saying like, do you want to meet up my friends afterwards? We can go to this thing. I mean, if you want to. Okay.

It was like that. And then I had friends meet up, like Justin and his girlfriend and then she just like sat at the chair and, you know, we would talk and then I'd be like, what do you mean? I try to involve her. Like, do you think, I mean, would you go to that? And she'd be like, I guess. And she wouldn't know to like ask you a question. She didn't ask you anything about yourself.

Nothing. That's tragic. And, but she also was like, you wouldn't, but you wouldn't think like, oh, she's having a bad time. She was just like, I don't, almost like she didn't know how to go on a date. Right. Maybe she was shy. Yeah.

She was shy and I didn't realize that when I asked her out, but I realized that a few minutes into the, like, you know, an hour and I was like, this is like... Did she seem nervous? A little nervous. Maybe she, maybe, yeah. Maybe she's just super nervous. Yeah. Like you're a total stranger.

That's true. You know? But I, listen, I was, I was totally polite and I... You still shoved it in there. I tried to get it in. It was really, she was her first time. So it was, it was, it was hard, but I, no, but did you, so wait, hold on, hold on. So you go through this kind of, it's not very awkward.

Did she eventually loosen up or she still stick the whole night? You know, she says a few things. I mean, I, you know, it's a long time ago. She says a few things, but like, it was obvious that like the idea that we would have easy conversation was... Was gone. ...foreign. Oh my God.

It was, like, it was... So it was like I was, it was like I was talking to someone who didn't speak English. Like someone who was just kind of touched and like simple. And then did you... She had great big tits. Really? Yeah. And did you try to, try to touch them and stuff?

No. Fuck no. You didn't even try. You didn't even try to get her drunk or try to touch her stuff. Dude, it was like, there's, there's obviously, and then I remember like her dad had said, you know, like her home by like midnight or something, and I was like, you know, it's 11 and you don't live close. Let's go now.

Like that. Oh dear. Yeah. That's terrible. Yeah. That's terrible. She died. What?

Oh my God. That would be terrible. Isn't that sad? I guess some people are just, you know, not good conversationalists or just not. That's true. You know what I found in the world is that there's two types of people. There's things people and then there's ideas people and I can talk to both, but I prefer to talk to ideas people, you know, like the broader concepts and then there are people

that are just like, I bought, I bought this new couch and the couch is blue and it's got this thing on it. And then tomorrow I'm going to go work out and then after we're going to pick up the dogs and we're going to get them washed. And then we're going to go look at real and you're like, I don't want to talk about your fucking. It's so boring to me. Look, the thing is that there is someone for everyone.

So like, I mean, I sometimes I think I'm like, you know, that, that box of hair that I took out. Yeah. And you didn't even jizz in her. Even a little bit. She probably found the perfect match. Yeah. And they're like, she went on a date with a guy who was like, God, it's great sitting

here with you. Yeah, I know. I know. You don't say much. I know. And the thing that made me craziest is when you're, when you're on a first date, especially and you're trying to get to know somebody and you're like, so like, what kind of music do you like?

And they're like, I don't know. No, at least I have an answer. What do you like? And you're like, why like this? Yeah, that's fine. Do you like this kind of food? I mean, if you want it, it's fine and you're like, do you like, do you watch movies or something?

I don't know. Do you, do you have one? I'm like, okay. I know, be a person. Yeah. Just have interest. Have something. I feel like there's no greater crime than to be boring with other people.

You should at least be interesting. Try. Try to be interesting. I'd rather you have, be passionate about something I don't fucking care about. Totally. Yeah. Then be like, I don't know. What do you like?

Yeah. What a dud. I heard you bitches were looking for me. I love her. You know that there's a search for her to find her because she works at McDonald's. The greatest restaurant of all time. I'm going to go out on a limb and just say, I mean, like, yeah, there wasn't a McDonald's on fire.

There's a Burger King on fire. McDonald's would never be on fire. Well, I know they probably have a faulty wiring. Of course. Cheap. Efficient. I would. I will say that if we can find Bitch Here I Go, I mean, I can do it.

We can do it. This is mommy power you're discussing. I would be open to having. Bitch Here I Go on. Yeah. Are you serious? Because here's the deal. I watch all of her TikToks, not just those famous ones.

And I really like her. I really like her. She's about fitter fifties. And I feel like TikTok has revitalized her life and given her a little something special in her day. We should try to make it happen. Because she has a pretty, you know, nine to five life. I think it, guys, you heard it.

You heard the guy. Go for her. Let's try. Let's find her. I'm going to message her myself. Now. Oh my gosh. She just really made my day.

I'm so stoked to try it. I don't know. Speaking of. She's called the Queen. They just called her the Queen. You might be a TikTok if. I can't wait. I have a little turtle.

He really likes to pee. He really likes to poop and pee anywhere he goes. OK, you know what I'm going to start doing with you? See the smile, the smile and the shaking of the head, you're shaking your head, but you're smiling and it betrays the joy that you feel. You felt joy when you heard her say. This is not good. You felt joy.

You felt joy. Look at your heart. I know it. If you have a pet turtle with peas and poops as you slur through your senses, you might be a TikTok. OK, Tom, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like this TikTok? 10 being the highest. I know you like it.

Don't pretend. I'm glad that her tracheotomy healed, but I don't know. She's a fucking. She's got her retainers in a sixth. I mean, come on. Did you like the drool guy was your favorite? I have a little turtle. He really likes to pee.

He really likes to poop and pee anywhere he goes. Now, that's a first for my collection. We haven't had people making up original songs. Usually they get sick when you get serious about it. It's like, what are you talking about? I'm giving a platform for marginalized performers. I'm providing a service. OK, they don't have outlets to mainstream media, and I'm giving them a space.

I'm at Walmart and just got done shopping. I'm at Walmart and just got done shopping. I'm in the vehicle now and just got done shopping. OK, have a great day, everyone. I'll do another video when I get home and show you what I got in the store. OK, bye. Can you not add him anymore, please? Bye.

Can you please stop adding him to the feed? But I thought you liked knowing what's going on with him. Don't you like to keep up? Keep up on his life. I like to know what he's doing. You don't like it? No, I'm good. He's making lunch.

He's having his dinner. I don't mean to say, I get it. He's eating. He's shopping. He's got a great life. He wants to keep you abreast of his development style. OK, OK. This is reddish.

If I love reddish, my sick top family should love reddish. Reddish? Mm, really good. Tasty. Oh, is this the mustard lady? Yeah, so she switched it up now. She's doing relish. They used to just be mustard and now she goes to relish.

Yeah. She's the con. What is it, reddish? Yeah, she said this is reddish. Reddish. Ha, ha, ha. That's totally wrong. This is reddish.

Reddish. If I love reddish, my sick top family should love reddish. It is reddish. She said it three times. Yeah. Yeah. This is reddish. This is reddish.

Reddish. She's talking like Bugs Bunny. No, Elmer Fudd. There's no way she's not severely under-medicated. What are you talking about? You might be a tick tock. If you eat mustard for headaches and then switch it up and start eating reddish, you might be a tick tock.

Do you wear bunny ears while eating your reddish? Dude, that's. They're yellow bunny ears. Yeah. I like her too. I like her work. Yeah, I like her too. This is my cup.

Y'all see my cup? Jesus, look at those tits. It's so hot. Y'all need one like this. And it's heat. Need a cup like this. It's so hot in the hot weather. What the fuck?

Where did it, what's going on with her? Well, here's what I like about this one. Look at those fucking glasses. There's three things I like about this. Number one, the huge tits. Now, there is a huge tit problem on TikTok. There's a lot of huge tits. Drink water off of this.

It's so hot. Y'all need one like this. And it's heat. Need a cup like this. And it's heat. It's so hot in the hot weather. It's hot. And what I like too is the warning.

Like it's a PSA. Like, hey, drink your water. Yeah, you know, it's very important. Thirdly, the glasses are pretty cool. Glasses are, cool mode would be fucking jealous of those glasses. But those tangers, man. There's a lot of people on TikTok that don't wear bras. Is she one?

Those are... Now, I found another woman on my Insta feed. It's to music, so I can't play it on this show. Did you see those tits? No, I'm talking about these tits. Oh, there's even bigger tits on my feed, on mine. British. British.

There, she's in my faves. Yeah. Oh, my God. Isn't it amazing what's out there? I love the world. This is... You need to get a big water. There's water.

You need to stay hydrated. It's hot outside. Who's that in particular? I'm just doing it. It's like all the people in my brain from TikTok. It's hot outside. OK. I'm going to Walmart.

I'm going to Walmart. OK. I'm going to Walmart. Don't you care about anybody in the world? This is here. What? Ready? I'm ready.

This guy's smoking crack. So glad it's here. Look at him. I've been wanting to play this for you guys for a while. There's a hospital bracelet on it and hospital pants. This guy's wearing a hospital... He's gonna blow it up his ass. He just...

What is happening? Look at him. And there's a guy bent over. And he's blowing the smoke. He's got to be fucking kidding me. Up his ass. No. That's not what's happening.

What's happening? I think he starts by... He takes a crack and he blows it and then he does anilingus on the guy. Well, yeah. I think he's eating his ass. I'm saying the primary goal here was to eat that man's butt. No, it's to get the crack smoking there.

You think so? Yeah. It's just the way of getting high. That's the whole thing. Yeah, we could talk to Drew about it. I'm really excited. I would love to talk to Dr. Drew about that. That is A number one priority.

Yeah, you get high faster that way. Is that a cup of urine in the foreground as well? I don't know. It could be orange juice. I'm guessing not. I like that his reading glasses are there on the ground too. That's not a good place for your reading glasses. That's really, you know, you could stumble over them

when you're done blowing smoke up that guy's ass. What is happening? Or maybe he's eating it. I don't know. You know what I've been thinking about a lot lately? Is that guy we watched with Jev Tate on the sidewalk and he was putting in his butt hole. That was pretty neat too.

I think about that one a lot. It was pretty cool. Is it in there? This is amazing though. It's in the Drew folder actually. A homeless guy blowing crack smoke into another gentleman's anus. I've never even heard of such a thing.

But that's why you're here to educate me, Tom. That's right. Is it under 511? No, it's in the folder that are drops for Drew on Y-Mage. OK, drops for Drew. Dr. Drew's going to be really stoked when he sees all these great treats we have for him. Yeah, this is so cool.

Do you think he ever thought that his... Dude, seriously, you need to be doing this? What are you doing? What are you doing? Hello? What are you doing? What are you doing? There's little kids around here.

Seriously. Now, is he masturbating too? I don't think so. Well, he's trying to put that in his ass. Put that in his again on masturbate too? Or what's the point? Just coming in. It feels good, yeah.

Everyone tries to come. That's what he's doing. He's trying to come, right? But I'm saying I don't see him masturbating. I just see him putting in his butt. Well, he's got to get in his ass first. Yeah, you put the bicandle in your ass, then you get ready. You know what I mean?

It's like you get the lotion, you get the cleaning, you got to get ready to go. So he's just prepping. He's prepping, yeah. And then he's going to go for the gusto. Sure. This is wild. Everybody has a routine, you know?

There's two wild... No, there's three wild videos that stick out in my head. Homeless guy gets raped by gay ghosts. This one, amputee puts bicycle handle up his butt in the street. And then the third is the guy having crack smoke blown in his butt. I wonder if... I never even thought I could come up with this. Drew thinks that there's drugs involved with this guy.

That's what I'm most curious about. Definitely not. We'll find out. No. We'll find out. No. Oh, before we forget, Josh Potter, we revealed, or we found out, has really hairy shoulders. Oh my God.

And he... He's disgusting. He has agreed. He has agreed to accompany... I can go with him, I assume, and get him waxed. And he said, yes. He said he'll get waxed. I really want to see this.

I mean, I tell you what, we weren't getting ready. We were doing a prep meeting, and I looked over, and he wears short sleeve shirts, even in the dead of winter, you know? And I looked, and I noticed that the hair was really bushy. It's like Wolfman shirt. Yeah. Going up to his arm. Going like that.

Forever. Yeah. High school? Oh, yeah. Well, in high school, I used to, like, nare. You did? And shave constantly. And that whole old wives tale or whatever, they say it's folklore, it doesn't grow back

thicker and longer. It's bullshit. It totally fucking does. No. Do you ever do it again? I'm gonna do the nare, people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll help you.

Class action lawsuit. No. If you're out there and you have nare problems. What are you saying no for? It doesn't grow back. It's just that you're older and hairier. No, no, no, no. This is the best way for, like, 15 years.

Can you please show the camera what we're talking about? It is disgusting. It is dis-look at it. It's lush. It's like shampoo it. I mean. I have to tell you, I didn't think I would be so upset as when I saw it. Yeah.

I don't know why it would upset you about it. I don't know. I think it's that I'm revolted by it, but I'm also, like, somewhat shocked and I want it to go away. I'm curious and maybe a little turned on. Yeah. So, there you go. I want you.

I want it to go away. I want it to go away also. But you know what sucks? I've noticed when I've done, like, excavations on my hair, on my body, shirts feel terrible. Really? Yeah. It's like a weird sensation. Maybe it's just my first time cotton is touching my skin for real, you know?

Yeah. It's a night. It should feel nice. I mean, you also said that arm stubble is unpleasant. Yes. That's another thing. Yeah. Shoulder stubble is a nightmare.

The whole thing. And then it's like, do I go all the way to my wrist? Do I wax down to there? Like, how do I? No. I would say go to the elbow because Tom's very hairy, too. And like most hairy guys, though, it kind of, it tapers, right? Where you have the fullness, the upper bicep is kind of unheard of.

So if you did just the arm up until the elbow and then you can have forearm hair, that's kind of normal for dudes. But don't you think my forearm hair would make it look like ridiculous? No, you need to like fade it. You need to thin it out. Like you need to get... Let's go. I want to see you get waxed.

I want to be there. Dude, if you think I'm going to like cry and stuff, I'm going to cry tears of joy. Really? Because finally I will have this burden lifted off. Okay. Yeah. You ever keep your shirt on during sex? Probably because, you know, for fatness, maybe, but like I do it for the hair.

Yeah. You know? I've never kept it. And then you try to... You have to like... Never does keep your shirt on. You have to lift that ruse though when you do because you have to make it seem like the sex is so passionate that you forgot your shirt was even on.

So you like... Is that what you do? Yeah. Is that what you do? Yeah. You got to... It's a whole like ordeal. So you actually are like...

You're planning in your head like I'm not taking this off. Yeah. But I'm going to just act like I'm lost in the moment. Yeah. And be like, if she starts taking off, then it comes off and I'm like, okay, the lights are off. So like she'll be like, whoa, what's going on? But you know...

But you... How often do you keep it on? Whenever I can. Really? So often though. Like they either take it off or like they say something and then I'm caught and I'm like, oh yeah. So I want to see...

But I've never had a girl like... Women always say like, oh, you're hairy or whatever. But they just... So hairy. It's never stopped them in their tracks. Like me? I mean, I've seen... Tom's pretty fucking hairy.

But that is like... No. But like... Is your back covered? We're different levels for sure. Is your back covered? I don't know my back situation. It's not as bad as my shoulder.

Can you stand up? Can I see it? Yeah. I mean, I'll show you, I guess. Let me see. I feel like it's going to be gnarly. I feel like it's not that bad. Let me see.

He's lifting his shirt up right now. Yeah. Oh my God. Okay. It's not as bad as I thought. You've like... Like it's definitely wolf-y. Like you...

On the right side, it's definitely wolf-y. But it's not bad. It's actually not bad. Like compared to the shoulders. The shoulders are abnormally hairy. And then the back's like an average amount. I'm telling you, it's because of the fact that I never thought shoulder hair was normal. So when I would take care of it, it came back thicker and worse.

Yeah, but that's not weird. That's true. I don't know. I've had the opposite experience. I've shaved my whole life. No, no, no. It's a different type of hair, though. Back hair or hair?

No, no, no. Like you have a different coarseness, thickness, there's a different... Well, he's Greek, too. He's a hair machine. I know. But I'm saying it does grow back thicker. Okay. And never...

The opposite, actually. My hair grew back finer and more beautiful and airy. But that's because of the quality of the hair. Because of my airy and good looks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't hear exactly your opinion of my back, by the way. What do you think? It's not bad.

It's actually not... You have what's like... I would consider a middle-aged man's hair level. It's totally normal. So I guess when the women, they reach back and they're scratching my back, you know, during the sex, they probably don't feel the hair unless they were to grab my shoulder. How often is this happening for you? Sex?

Absolutely. It's been pretty good. Really? I don't know. You had a real pound session recently. I did well. Yeah. I told you about my dick pill experiments.

Yeah, that was great. Yeah. So, I mean, everyone should get on board. Are you still doing the dick pills? Oh, when I can. Yeah. Yeah. Why not?

You know? And you're still no coming, though. No. I think it's the hair. You think it's caught up in my hair? I think the hair is clogging your cum pores on your shoulders. I mean, when we wax them, you're just going to bust the face. What if I come from waxing?

That could be a thing. Wow. Is it going to be a hot girl that does it? I don't know. We could look. We could ask, but I'll try to get a cool guy, but we'll see what happens. What are your legs out of control this year? My legs are pretty bad, yeah.

I shave my balls and stuff, though. What about your... Do you use your manscape? Hell yeah, doggy. Yeah. How about the crack? Like the crack in the hole? I get up in there with my manscape tool.

You do? It's like sanctioned or not, but I definitely use it for that as well. Would you be open to getting your crack waxed? Fuck yeah. If I can get it waxed, oh my God, and then the wife will be so good, and then I can start getting girls to start doing that down there, you know. Get their tongues up in that shit. I live vicariously through you, Josh.

So nasty, Josh. You are an inspiration to me. Don't you should get your asshole waxed, and then you can get your... Never. It's never going to happen. I've done the waxing. I've done it. Oh my God.

It's still nothing, Cristina. No, I'm so afraid of it. I'm too afraid to put my tongue on anybody's beehole, honestly, like there's poo poo comes out of there, and Tom's poo poo. Yeah, but you don't even know it's a beehole when you're doing it. Yeah, but... Am I even doing the beehole right now? This is crazy.

I hear Tom's browns. For the last 15 years, I've heard what it sounds like when it comes out, and it sounds so scary and violent. I'm just afraid of what comes out of there, and the farts all the time, the farts, and the sharts, and the, ugh. I don't know. Sounds like fun to me. It does sound cool.

I mean, his D&B is great and clean as a whistle. Lap that up all day. Lap it up. Yeah, but not the scrum. Get in that scrum. All right. Any other hair assessments you need? I got some on my knuckles.

I got some on my feet. Let's just do a full body wax. Oh my God, yeah. Let's make you hair. Oh my God, like a cat. Yeah. That happens so often. And let's do a photo shoot with it.

Yeah. All right. I want to get yoked for that photo shoot. Yeah, bro. I mean, just thinner than this. How do you lose weight? What's your body? I thought you were going to make me take my shirt off and I was like, not on a fat day.

What's your process for losing weight? What do you do? I don't eat for as long as I possibly can stand it. And that's it? And I'll do push-ups. Push-ups. Sounds good. And I walk every day.

How many push-ups can you do in one sitting? I can do a lot. You can. I can do like 30 to 40. Okay. Is that a lot? Do you think? I mean, for me, I mean, come on.

Sure. Thank you. Thank you. Sounds good to me. Thank you. No, that's what I do to keep fit. I'm going to make a workout video someday, so. Okay.

Okay. Can't wait to see it. Okay. And joining us now is a dear friend. He's like a son to me. He hosts the Honeydew podcast. Well, you can watch right here on our YouTube channel. Every Tuesday at noon, it debuts the Honeydew with Ryan Sickler.

It's Ryan Sickler. Ryan. Thank you, guys. Thanks for coming back. Oh, dude, it's always a pleasure to be here. We love you. You're part of our family. I feel it.

Definitely. You know what I like about coming here, too? This couch feels like you're just in the back like an old cutlass or something. You know what I mean? On a Sunday drive, you guys are up front. The windows are down. Is it comfortable? Nobody's buckled in.

It is comfortable. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, man. It feels good. Do you remember the even like the idea of seatbelts as a kid? Because I remember being just like you just jump in a car and no one even mentioned them. Getting it back. Whatever.

Do you remember the station wagons? Do you remember having arguments about not wanting to put it on? Yes. Yeah. I remember. I'm gonna put that fucking thing on like. Oh, I remember when the seatbelt law passed here in California in the late eighties and it was like, oh, God, I have to do this now.

It was like the biggest ordeal. When people are such, you know, lazy pieces of shit and then they had that automatic one. Remember, if you're not gonna do it, we're gonna do it for you. Yeah. I remember taking that going on a test drive when I was a teenager and my dad was looking at a car. I forget. It was some type of sports car, you know, Camaro or something.

And the guy, the guy goes, seatbelts right over here. I don't use them. But like he was bragged. Like he was like, I don't know if you're gay. We don't. Like that's how he said it. Yeah. And then we were both like, no, I mean, by that point, I was like, I mean, this is a

fast car. He probably should. He was like, I don't like being told what to do. Yeah. That's what it's all about right there. Yeah. I wonder if you went and test drove a car today and he said, look, I'm telling you, I am going to buy this car.

I'm not going to wear the seatbelt on the test drive if they would fucking let you slide because you said you guarantee you're going to buy it. Most would say no. I would think so. There's some. Yeah. I don't wear money. Yeah.

Yeah. And if it was like a high ticket car, like if you're like, that's what I'm saying. Then they'd be like, yeah. All right. Yeah. So I feel like I'm definitely buying this. They're like, whatever. You can die on your way out of here.

It's fine. Don't you have those Uber drivers every now and then who they don't put on their seatbelt and then it dings, dings, dings, dings. Yes. No, I've never had that. Oh my God. I get that multiple times. I've also had the driver that they hire to pick you up for the show and it's like you

get in the car and it's like, ding, ding. What is that? That's how I know what it is, but I'm trying to be less confrontational. You know what? That noise? Huh? That's bullshit. That's how you drive around all day?

Hearing that fucking beep. It doesn't stop. That's enough of a deterrent. It doesn't stop. So that's how much of a tune out you have to do, right? You have to be like. Oh, ding, ding, ding. It's fine.

Get a fucking car just like yours, cut that little clip out, put it in there, and then it's done. Wait, what? I'm saying if you go to a junkyard and let you've got your Cherokee or whatever, you go to a junkyard, you get the same model, you cut the seat, just say I want the seatbelt hook, and then you just clip it in there and then it won't beep anymore. All it needs is something to go in there to shut the fucking door. Oh, right.

That mechanism. Yeah. You ever have something or behind you, put it behind you and buckle that shit and sit. You put something heavy on the passenger seat in a newer car and you'll think it's a person without a seatbelt. So it'll start. No. Like a backpack there.

It'll be like, ding, ding. God damn it. You got to move it or put it back a buckle in. Well now they have a reminder in our car where it reminds you that there's somebody in the back seat. What? It's like reminder. Look in the back seat.

There's somebody there. For parents that can't remember their fucking kids are in the car. That's why I always get insulted a little bit and I'm like, fuck you. You look in the back. For real. I got this. Who do you tell that to? To the car?

I got it in my head. I'm like, you fucking look. Cars do so much. I do every time. I know. I know. You tell the car though, right? You fucking look at the car.

You need to put a recorder in your car. You fucking car? Huh? I do. I get mad at the car. Don't you call me a bad mom? Like I hear it in my... That's exactly what it's doing.

It is. It's calling me a bad mom. You're a shitty parent. This has got to be a joke in my act, man. I feel like... God. I mean, in addition to just getting older and not working out like I used to. I think cars have us less in shape too.

They do too much. So, my stepson is about to get his license and I was like, I think they should move the age to 18. He's like, you sound like an old dude. I'm like, yeah, but when we were 16, we didn't have to deal with texting. We didn't have to deal with all this technology in this fucking car. It's like a F16. Yeah, it's fucking ridiculous.

And now too, remember when you used to have to get up, look over your shoulder to fucking reverse? Your core was tighter. Your core. Your core was tighter. You had to lean over and roll. Yeah, good. Yeah.

Push it out a little bit to get it up in there. It's like a Pilani session. Hell yeah, dude. That's what I'm saying. We're all getting weaker and softer because of our cars that does that. You don't even need to move. Just look here. I'm going backwards.

Now I'm going forwards. Like, how'd you go backwards, man? Yeah. Or the car beeps when you're backing up to let you know if somebody's coming. So now a few times, I'll ride in a car that doesn't have it and then you freaking, you're like, it'll beep, it'll tell me. I backed up a friend's car the other day and the first thing I did, it's an older car, it doesn't have the camera.

And the first thing I did was look here and I was like, oh man, remember this? Two years ago. Have you had the auto brake thing in a car? Oh, that's lazy. I had it on a rental car and I didn't know it existed. I was coming down the 405 and I guess it sensed that the cars were too. And I was like, yes. And it just, the thing went to the floor and started pulsing.

What's that? What's that? But I didn't know what. Well, it scared the shit out of me. I did it at a stoplight where I had just gotten the car and I looked down and distracted, hit the gas and the car stopped itself because the car in front of me hadn't moved. I mean, come on. It just disables it.

Super tic-tac roof. It's a knife right here. Yeah. I was like, oh yeah, it didn't let me go. Good. Geez, right? Yeah. For sure, it prevented a car accident.

Like, I would have smashed that guy. You know what I don't agree with though, unless probably I can just sound right. The blacks can, oh, you go ahead. Can. I don't know what you're going to say. Yeah. I just feel like, I'm talking about back in the day and like not wearing a seatbelt. Yeah.

Except for schools and the water. No. Oh, okay. I don't know where we're going. I don't know where you're going. I'm sorry. I think it's super lame when I see children wearing bicycle helmets and full fucking regalia like the padding and stuff to ride a bicycle.

Yeah. I mean, am I just being like two gen X here? But listen, how many times did you crack your head when you rode a bicycle? I never fell a bicycle. I never hit my head. Yeah. Really? What the fuck were you doing anyway?

I can't grow hair on my chin right here because I had a Huffy and Banana Seed Huffy. Banana Seed. And it was flying down a hill and went to take a left into a, you know, it's funny. We called them courts where I grew up. Yeah, courts. Everybody says call to sack. Call to court. Reach into court.

Yeah. Back of the court. Really? Yeah. And it had rained and there was just that light little bit of dirt, you know, and I took that left and it just went, I mean, straight down right on my chin. Have a helmet wouldn't protect your chin, wouldn't it? No, but I rolled and banged my head too.

You're sissy. How about you? What about like a, do you think like, if you see a grown ass man, doesn't listen here. I heard you. I heard you. I'm saying if a grown ass man is right, is wearing a helmet, you see him. That's kind of lame. Yeah.

I hate to say they're doing the right thing, but it really fucking. I know. And I know they're doing the right thing. It looks dorky. Get some biking horns or something on that motherfucker. Elbow pads. Yeah. That's shit.

I mean, no, that's shit. That's bullshit. Take a risk. No. Take a fall. Yeah. I don't want to fucking feels like the wreck and get your skin ripped up and shit. Yeah.

Get a little big butt. Bravo out two days later. For a kid. Do some shit. What do you think a kid should go like, what do you think a kid should be wearing? Helmet. Just a helmet. Yeah.

Unless they're skating. I'm all for the, I mean, even back then. Skating more or less? No, I'm saying if you're skating, the kids that are out there on these ramps and shit, I agree with elbow pad. Oh, yeah. That skateboarding is different. Yeah.

But for a bike, just a helmet. A bicycle. Just a helmet. A helmet. Yeah. For kids. And then at 18, you get to make the decision to be an idiot. Yeah.

I mean, a helmet is the smarter thing, but. It looks really lame. But also you have to have it on your kids now. I know it's a law. You do? Yeah. Everything's different in a very short span. We're the generation that, you know, was experimented with, like, maybe we should have

Pepsi belts on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe they should wear helmets now. Dude, I think about it all the time. So because we live next door to my cousins and we're three kids in my family, three kids in theirs. We do everything together. Both families had station wagons.

The six of us would pile into the back, the rear door. Right. And then every stoplight, a fucking van would pull up behind us and we'd be like, hi. All you had to do is have one of those, bam, six kids that everywhere, all over the fucking highway. Yeah. Every single time. And we would fight for that back.

I want to sit in the back. I want to sit in the most dangerous seat. I want to put my face up against the glass. And my brothers would do, they would give people the finger and they'd get off the long side. My dad, my dad was like, what the fuck's going on back there? What are you all doing back there? Nothing.

We're out the way. This guy's being an asshole. Dude, giving people the finger was major fun growing up when you learn what that means. You're like, fuck yeah. We would do it from the bus. And you'd always tell that, like that nerdy new kid, you'd be like, you know what this means? And they'd be like, oh no.

And be like, show it to that guy. And there's some car coming by like this. The guy's like, the fuck? A little kid flicking them off. And they'd be like, go like this. And you'd do, you know. All this one. I've done that in million years.

But then you do this with that. You do that. You'd always be like the person with the sense of humor, though. Behind the bus, who'd be like, you Chris needs love, right? Yeah. I remember my dad. Yeah. My brother, we used to do this one too.

We put our, when we got big enough teenagers, you put your arm on the window, you know, hold the window. We would just hold it out like this. And they'd be yelling about that. I was like, what the fuck's going on out there? Like, slobber ass old drivers in Maryland. We went on a field trip. All in Cognito and shit.

Why is everybody always mad when they pass our car? Like, I don't know. What's the matter with everybody? I hate this color, man. It's the wood panel. The wood paneling. Well, we went on a field trip once in Milwaukee and we went downtown and we're at a stoplight. And this is like winter in Milwaukee.

And there's this, look like maybe like a 19 to 20 year old black dude, skinny black dude standing at the corner. And we're all like sitting at the windows. We're in like sixth grade. We're like, hey. And he just pulls his pants down, takes his dick and wags it at us all. Shook it like that. Like he had some extra drops in it.

Yeah. And we were all like. And then the bus takes off. And we were like, teacher. Miss Harlow. Like, it was the craziest. I mean, it's definitely still one of the biggest dicks I've ever seen. I'll bet.

He knew it too. He knew it. Yeah. It's going to be decades. Shit. Right. Almost people love to show you. Whoa.

Waves his dick out. When I was in the bus as a little guy, I used to see guys jerking off on the freeway a lot. Yeah. Like showing it to you or just doing it, you're pulling up on alongside. I'm not sure. A little bit of both. Maybe a little bit of both.

But yeah, you just see guys jerking their dicks and traffic on the 405 everywhere. My brother drives a tractor trailer once in a while and he told me he's like, it's nonstop chicks want to just pull their tits out. He's like, you wouldn't believe the shit you see from sitting up that high on the roads out there. You're a tractor trailer driver, I'll tell you. Really? I want to just make me think of this.

I want to tell you something funny about a school bus. So we lived in Maryland and every year up through middle school, you had to go to D.C. for a field trip. And one year, my dad is the chaperone on my younger brother's class and they go to D.C. and all the monument, all this stuff. Real snooze fest. And so on the way back, so when they get home, my dad just looking at me, he comes in the

door and he's laughing. I was like, was it a rough day because it was a really embarrassing day for one kid in my group. And I was like, oh, what happened? He goes, Ryan, I feel so bad for this kid. He said that it's like four buses in a caravan. You know what I mean? They're all trying to stick together the best they can on on 495 where we got stuck driving,

right? That's shit. The worst. This poor kid had the shit and they couldn't go anywhere. And he's like, I have to go now. So that all four buses pull over on the side of the road with their flashes on this kid walks up in the hill where there's like some trees in front of the whole fucking like six.

My dad's watching him like, he's shit. I was like, he's shit in front. He's like, Ryan, everyone's going to remember that forever. He's never gonna take the whole fucking six. You got to transfer schools. You had to. Because all those kids are like, look at Larry, shit, nothing. Look out.

You got corn in there, Larry. And then his nickname for sixth, seventh, eighth grade through high school, it's all going to be like mud-butt, shit-stain, all that shit-stain is exactly what it's going to be. Yeah. And you'll never shake it. You got to transfer. Why'd you transfer?

My dad got a new job. You can't tell them. Let me tell you, one time, I only did one road rules real world challenge and it was in Jamaica. And I'll never forget this. You were on that? I did one, battle of the sexes. You did?

One. I didn't even know you were on road rules. Oh, stop it. Who won? Oh, stop it. What sex won? The old one. No, so I forget who won.

But anyways, so it's like the first week. So we're all there. No one's been voted off yet. It's the beginning. People are sniffing each other out, boys and girls, right? And I'll never forget one of the girls had a violent diarrhea. It was in Jamaica. And we were on the bus going to like a challenge or whatever.

And it was so I was so embarrassed for her. She's the same thing. Pull over, pull over. The bus stops on the side of the road in Jamaica. She gets out and like diarrhea is behind the rock. And I mean, we're like in our 20s. And that's the, you know, we're all trying to get laid and have fun or whatever. And like, that's the diarrhea girl for like a whole trip to you're like, oh, it's so

mortifying. The only guy fucking her is the guy who couldn't get laid from anything. Like, oh, fuck. I know you're. I'm still gonna hit that. Yeah. I know you got. She was pretty crunchy.

Like she was pretty crunchy anyways. You ever get a girl like that? Like with a surprise, like I don't shave my legs. I don't shave my armpits. I don't, you know, you got a dick. No. My friend, my watch, I don't, maybe I shouldn't say his name, but we told you that story. We had to call him on speakerphone, remember?

Oh yeah. This is nuts. Can I tell Christina? Yeah, of course. I won't say his name. So he, he lives in Baltimore and he went out one night drinking at the bars. This is over a while ago and he met this girl and, you know, they hit it off. Things get a little hot and heavy.

They go back to his place and they're hooking up and just as he's about to put his hand down her pants, she like aggressively grabs his wrist and she's like, I'm different. And he's like, what do you mean you're different? She's like, I'm different. He's like, are you a guy? And she's like, no, I'm just different. As if, you know, go ahead, go find out for yourself. And he puts his hand down her pants and he starts playing with her a little bit and he

realizes that her vagina has, it's, it's forked. It has like equivalent to like your, your nose. It has a piece of skin in the middle. So there's two sides to it. No, it's great. So I'm telling him about it or like, I got to call him because I want to know, I have a million questions. You know, did it hurt?

And I was, we were like, did you have to pick a size like, yeah, to pick a side. Wait a minute. It's forked, meaning all the cheese is on, no, there's, there's two holes. There's two holes. It's divided. But it's got like your nose. Like, so you can pick an entry and it goes into the same vaginal canal. I mean, I'm, we didn't, we didn't get into the specifics of where it goes.

Did she have like a hymen maybe that was something that grew in there. And then we were like, so which way, like, how did you guys do it? Like every fucking way possible. It was like having a new girl every time. Yeah. He could just go, he'd go like left, right, left, right and fuck different holes. All right. And to this day, I've never heard that before.

And since, and since. Wow. He said he wore it out though. Yeah. Yeah. Just side to side. You know, cool. Get that pussy front to back.

But that's just side to side. You're a left to right. Do you think we can have another lady on the show sometime? It's nice when we have women on the show. Remember when Sarah Gamble was here? That was great. That was fun. Nicole was here last week.

Nicole Byers. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are savages, man. Fucking. I'm just reporting back. Just reporting back. Yeah.

That's just a story. I'm just telling you. Just a journal. I didn't do that. I'm sure. I mean, I wonder. Yeah. Like that.

God. Your mind. He's like, came right back to me. Your brain is diseased, Tom. I'm trying to think of the weirdest thing I've seen out there. In the vagina world? Just in the, in the, in the dating or sexual world. There's weird shit.

I mean, I've. Yeah. You've had some weird shit happen. I'm sure. I have had some weird shit happen. What's the freakiest shit you've had happen with it? Like someone you didn't know and you start hooking up with? A brand new person that had no history or anything.

There was one girl one night. I met her. She was. This is a long time ago. She was my waitress. And you know, it's a tough call on waitresses. Yeah. Because they flirt.

Right. Rightfully so. Yeah. It's their job to flirt. Try to get a tip. Yeah. Yeah. But we're not in fucking Hooters.

You know what I'm saying? We're in a nice restaurant. I like Hooters. I love it. Yes, Wings. I love when they keep the elbow on. And that girls there are nice to me. They like me.

Well, they like me. They like you because they come up and they write their name on there. Yeah. And then they. They're real names. They're real names. Yeah. I'm Kara Hart.

She likes me. She likes me. But this girl's flirty and then she puts her number on the. Right. Like a Hooters girl. Yeah. Right. Oh, she puts her number.

Uh-huh. Her number on it. We, you know, hang out a couple of days later and one thing leads to another and she starts telling me that she's on like, uh, she's coming off of Lexapro and that if you don't do it properly, I guess you're supposed to wean yourself off, but she went cold turkey. Is this conversation one? This is, this is like, yeah, what's up beyond, uh, do you want fucking cheese on? Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? And I'm coming off of Lex. Right. Right away. And she's giving me a heads up that she's experiencing these like these little electrical impulses. She's telling me. And as the night's going on, I'm seeing her do this and I'm like, what the fuck is

going on? Wow. So, um, you know, we end up having sex anyway, of course, and, uh, she takes a hit of weed and I was like, go easy on that. I just cleaned that pipe today. She fucking hits it like it's the last hit on earth and then she starts throwing up. So you know, as a single guy, you got to wait all this out, you know, like, I don't even know what's going to happen.

And then she comes out of the bathroom. She's mad cause I was laughing. I was like, I told you not to hit, I don't, you know, it was funny. Yeah. Yeah. But she's puking and everything. She's like, it's not funny. And then she comes out and, you know, hour or so goes by, she's back to whatever herself

was before that, I guess. And then she wants to have sex. So we start having sex that way just for the story. Is this the first time you're having sex? Yeah. Okay. This is the first time. First time outside.

Before the thing. It's my first time. All right. It's the only time this has ever happened to me, too. I don't know what it was, but when she got on top, she got off on putting her forehead on my forehead. But I mean, to the point where it was crushing my fucking skull, like nothing, oh, hard. And she was saying the filthiest shit battle ram, but like putting it.

And I was like, and I couldn't enjoy what she was saying. She was saying some dirty shit that I would have normal circumstance that have been like, fuck, yeah. And all I could think about was the feeling of my skull getting crushed and she just kept driving like, like fucking hard. She's like, fuck this fucking pussy. I'm trying to, I'm trying to get my head out, but I can't. I cannot turn you down, completely pinned down, push so hard.

I can't like, like, I feel like if I rip my head as hard, it's going to rip skin off my fucking forehead and skull will be exposed. I'm not even exaggerating. That's how hard it was. My eyes started to water, but then as a dude, your ego is getting to you like, I cannot let this fucking chick, you know, overpower me like this. But this chick overpowered Duff. I was nothing.

She kept pressing down. She was saying all kinds of nasty shit. And I was just like, please, I'm trying to say, please stop, you know, and she's thinking I'm begging for more. Like I hadn't, you know, like I hadn't had sex in like three years and I was so excited. And finally she, she just, I felt her let up just a little bit, like, you know, when a snake goes to readjust and I slid it out real quick and I was like, what the fuck? Oh God, it hurt, man.

I had to tell you what she was doing or that's what her thing was. She was, she was into like fucking just like, yeah, we're going skull to skull and that was her thing. That was never, ever, ever heard of something so peculiar in my entire life. I've never wanted to meet somebody more like that is such a fascinating thing. I've never heard of that. Wow. That was her thing is crushing.

Did you ever hook up again? No, that was it, dude. Those are one and done. I mean, I wasn't even one. It was, I was halfway in and nothing even, I was like, how great would it be to have like an AA type of meeting of just guys she's been with and you guys just sit around and you're like, she fucking almost took my head off like, oh, I was losing vision. I was losing vision.

I saw the circle and everything. I was like, this isn't worth it. She was really worthy of that. My dick's like, sometimes I'm wrong. She should have cleared that with you beforehand. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of that's probably part of the thrill.

You don't know what's about to happen to you right now when I pin you down with my head. Dude, that was. That is. It was aggressive. That was really aggressive. Yeah. Remember that?

Was there somebody that drank menstrual blood? Ew. This was what? So I hung out with this couple. You know what? Hold on a second. Yeah. You know what?

You guys, and you just said someone drank menstrual blood. You said it too. Like, wasn't it? Yeah. Am I making that up? Did I hear? It's true. Isn't that the Johnson family?

Yeah. This couple came to my show in Atlantic City. This was like, at least eight years ago, and I'm working the club and they're hanging out. They come to the show and they're just like, they're like early 40s, but you can tell like they're cool. They party. And they're also like both good looking.

Like they, you're like, you don't belong here. You know what I mean? Like when they're stand out from everybody in the audience, they're just like put together. And so they asked to buy me a drink and I'm having a drink and they're just, they're fun and they're telling stories. I'm like, so what's your guy's deal? Well, they're about to get married and it's the second marriage for both. And I'm like, oh, so what happened before?

They're telling me their whole back story and I'm like, and you could tell that they're so open and not like, there's no jealousy about like, well, when this happened and when that happened. So I'm like, when you guys were after your marriages, but before you met each other, what's like some of the, you know, more since you were like single for the first time. What were some of your dating stories? So they start sharing them. He tells some story about, I don't know, some guy she met and he, you know, with some type

of crazy sex, I don't know, like anal sex on the first night. She was like, that was wild. It's the only time I ever did that. She goes, he's got a better one. So I'm like, what is it? He goes, well, so, you know, I'm kind of been divorced for like, let's say six months. I start going out and I go out with this beautiful, very sophisticated and successful doctor.

And you know, we're going out, we have good chemistry. And so like the first time we're about to have sex, she tells me, oh, I'm, I'm having my period right now. And he's like, I don't give a fuck. I'm like 44 years. You know what I mean? I'm a grown man. I'm not, it's not children's shit to me, right?

Like, yeah, it's one thing to have sex on your period. So he's like, he's like, she's like self conscious about it. He's like, doesn't bother me at all. So they have sex and he's like, you know, it's, it's fine. It's good. And then when, when we're done having sex, he's like, you know, obviously I have like stuff kind of all over me. She's like, do you mind if I clean up?

And he's like, no. And then she just goes down and licks it all up off him. What? Yeah. Hold on. That is not. So he said he's laying there. He's like, I'm expected here to squeaks of the shower, turn on and shit.

So she cleans herself off him. Yes. With her mouth. Licks. Licks it all up. And then she's like, what do you think of that? And he's like, that's pretty wild. And anyways, they start going out, you know, like he's dating now.

Yes. After that. After that, he's dating her. He's dating her. A month later. Well, that's the thing. He's bringing her to dinners and, you know, like social events and all of his friends and everybody's like, yo, you hit the fucking home run because they see she's beautiful.

She's a doctor. She's very successful. And like, so everyone's like, this is your fucking next wife. And he's like, a month later, it's period time again. They have sex. And she doesn't even ask this. She's like, oh, God, I'm going to get sick. I got that fucking metallic taste in my mouth right now.

He said that like every so all because, you know, he's in his forties. All his friends. How would she the woman like, I don't know, probably a few years younger than him. But he said that when he broke, he's like, I break up with her and everyone's like, you're a fucking moron because they, you know, they've been friends for years and he's they're like, she was gorgeous. She's a doctor. She's got money.

Like she's successful. What are you doing? He starts telling his friends and they're all like, what? Yeah. Of course. They can't put it together and they're like, oh, OK, I see. Well, you know what's interesting is hearing that story now as an adult, because I think you told us to me maybe a decade ago and like now I see it from that guy's perspective

of he's in his forties. He may not find another woman like her again if she's all these other things is licking your own menstrual blood off of somebody's penis that bad. Yes. Yes, it is 100 percent. It's that bad. But but if that's her one kink, that's the thing that just revs her up is to lick her own menstrual blood off your penis.

Once a month, you can't accommodate that. You don't do have to do anything. Kind of doctor. What kind of doctor is she? What kind of doctor? She was like an ear, nose, and throat. Oh, that's that's. God damn you.

Come on. Come on. Brain surgeon. You can fucking lick it up. Yeah. The ENT. Get the fuck out of it. You're a chiropractor.

Yeah, you're not even. She's a nurse practitioner. I'm not officially certified yet. Yeah. That's fucking. It's an important question. Sorry. Are you ever worried?

Sorry. Play it again, though. I always can watch this. Let me see. Show Ryan this one. I did think of the freakish. It won't work. I'll play it if you want.

Okay. Okay. Okay. There we are. I'm going to tell you a story about a girl that I did not have sex with because of of this story. That's menstrual. Really?

The girl that I knew, she was a friend of a friend. So I had hung out over the time over a few years, you know, a handful of times with her. So I knew her, but I didn't know her. You never really know anybody like that. But she came over one night and we started drinking. She wanted to drink some wine. We're drinking. Having a good time.

And she starts telling me that her history of, of, you know, how old she was, how were you when you lost your virginity and that sort of thing. She's like, I was really late and I was like, you know, why was that? And she's like, well, she was a late blossomer, bloomer, whatever. And what happened was she ended up liking her cousin's boyfriend and her cousin was mean to the boyfriend. And she herself also had an abusive boyfriend at the time. And those two just sort of connected based off that behavior, they were like, oh, we'll

rescue each other, I guess, so to speak. So they begin to have this relationship and he was a photographer and he one night started asking her if she would do some, you know, pose for him so he could take some pictures. So she did. And that eventually led to nude photos and she did their boyfriend and girlfriend. But artistic, you know, not, here's my fucking pussy hole, you know, that kind of shit. And then he says, here's my fucking pussy hole. Yeah.

And then he says, he says, well, I'm an animal. Have you seen the pictures on fucking line? So then he says he wants to do some photos of her in a tub. So they do the tub. Then it progresses to I want to put blood in the tub. I want to do photos as if you're dead murdered in the tub. And she does that. And at the time, too, this is the guy she loses.

This is the guy she also loses her virginity. So they're sexually active. And this is the build up, you know, you don't really know somebody, right? So it's like you kind of like your cut open and you know, like your guts are out filled. So she's thinking that this is, you know, a substance, you know, whatever it is, yeah, but it's real fucking blood. And she's like, wait, where are you? Where'd you get real?

So he went to butcher some bullshit or knew somebody got this animal blood, right? The next time he wants to do it, and this is have sex with her, but he also wants to photograph first, he puts her in the tub of ice and tells her. The reason is because he can't get off unless he fucks a cold vagina. Oh boy. Here we go. That's it. And she's like, what?

He has to have, she's like, and then she looks at me and goes, do you think he had sex with that body? And I was like, yes, he definitely had sex. Guess who's not having sex in here tonight? Guess who's not having, let me crack another bottle of wine because that shit's not going down like fuck that. And then I started thinking like, God, the partners we've had in the past could have potentially had a partner to fuck dead people or an, oh man, or something like this shit

up. Put a real one, dude, have you ever in your life? I can't get off unless I'm inside a cold vagina. Never. Have you ever even thought about regulating the person you're with body temperature either way? I love either way. I love 98.6.

That 98.6. Perfect, bro. That 98.6 is my speed. Any colder or hotter. That's crazy. How crazy is that, dude? And that's definitely how he knows he likes cold. Fuck yeah.

Yeah. But then you can only get off on that. You can't even get off on it. Yeah, he's like, oh, you're all alive and shit. I mean, should we go fucking hang out at the meat freezer for a little bit and I'll fuck you real quick in there? Like, that's the weirdest, craziest, the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Yeah.

Yeah. Hi, this is Abe Screeze with an important question. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? Oh. I do. I do, though. And no one wants to tell you. It's crazy, it's an important question.

Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? Probably the best thing I've seen in a long time. I mean, honestly, it is such a legit question for every person on this fucking planet. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? Oh, God. Now, there's something about that. That's the eye cards from that. Because you're right, right?

That is the most appropriate question I've heard in such a long fucking time. No one is telling you. No one's telling you. But maybe because they're retarded, you know? My God. Do you think, though, they're so... Tom, am I retarded? I'm gonna puke.

Am I? Am I retarded? No, you're fine. A little bit. Let's do a retarded check. You're a little bit. Su-woo. They're gonna come at us, dude.

Is that your TikTok? Yeah. Do you ever worry you're retarded? And no one is telling you? By the way, she has a very... She's great. God, I love that girl. She's been to her page?

No, but I'm gonna. She's gonna be my first order of business. Because there's also, like, this kind of terrifying quality to her. Yeah. That, like, if you told me... Do you know that right after this video, she killed a few people? Like, right, the look in the eyes, the shaved head... No, she's great.

Listen, of all the TikToks, of all it... Besides, I heard you pictures looking for me. Bitch, here I go. This has to be, like, top, top three TikToks. You don't think there's any chance she's Melio? No, I think... It's true. I think...

I'm saying, I follow what I consider to be normal, or whatever, people on Instagram. This girl's more normal than anybody I've seen, and asking the best questions out there. Thank you. Question is, she's the fucking smart one. Thank you. I agree. You don't see any problems behind those eyes. None?

Looks totally fine to me. Really? I agree with an important question. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? It's an important question, she's right. Okay, stop it. Take it down. Ah, fuck.

God damn it. What you're phrasing, too, is, do you ever worry? It's a worry. It's a worry. I know, but it's silly. And then she's like, you're right. But you are. You are.

Stop worrying. The worry's over. You are, motherfucker. And the timing and the music and everything's brilliant. Did you see that clip of Alex Jones on Rogan? Yeah. It was like a big, big thing where he returned to the show after years and they were fighting. And then he's like telling them this, like, he's having a real moment.

He's like, I gotta tell you something real quick. And Joe's like, well, he's like, I'm kind of retarded. And then he fucking did it. Joe falls there in a chair. So, so silly, but it made me laugh. Look, here's the thing. Listen, I'll be honest with you. I'm kind of retarded.

But again, he's right. But he's been worried up until now. I'm kind of retarded. And no one's told him. Nobody's told him. And then Joe falls out of his seat, right? That's my favorite thing ever. That's the best.

All right. Alex Jones kind of retarded is the subject. Oh, yeah. That's the title. God, isn't this great? Oh my God, please play this. Have you seen this? I commented on this yesterday.

You did? I did. All in passenger shame. So for people, for people listening. Christ. This was published by, what's her name there? Alice, what is it? Alaphare Burke.

On her Twitter. Yeah. And then it was shared so many times. And passenger shaming posted it also on the best Instagram account. Oh my God. This person who knows Alaphare Burke sent the message, she is on a flight. And there's a person in first class in the front row, the bulkhead seat, as they say in the industry, who is swiping through the video choices with their bare foot.

The only thing that would make this better, if there was a video of somebody that walked up and goes, listen to me, you piece of shit. And then they didn't have arms. You're like, my fuck, I'm so sorry. I am so fucking sorry. You know what this reminds me of? She's got arms. There's probably no way.

You think it's a woman? Sorry. Yes, it's a woman. Is it? Say, I figure a man would be the only. I did too. Oh, really? I thought it was a woman's.

I'd give women more class than that, but I might be wrong. I thought that was a man. And then people touched out with their fingers after. Touch your mouth, eat the food. I said on there, this motherfucker's got their planners warts all up on that goddamn screen. This is why I get sick. Somebody said, well, hands generally carry more germs than your feet. They do because you use them more, not this fucking person's.

This person's feet carry more germs than their hands. Look at that. It's so crazy. And it's also pretty fucking impressive. There is a it's a little. It's old. So I could be so hard to pull up, but like five years ago, maybe more. Kumail Nanjiani was on a flight and he posted a thread.

This might have been three years ago. And the thread was of a guy sitting like across the aisle from him on a flight who took his pants off and in the bulkhead put in his boxers, put his feet up on the wall in his boxers and watched a movie like he was at home. No. It was in. Oh, is that that? Is that it?

Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. It was it's insane. Oh, my God. And he said the guy was barking at people and the flight had to be like, can you at least put your legs down since you're in your boxers? People walking up here and the guy's like, God damn it.

Like making a big as a psycho, like a red as a psycho right here. Take him off. I guess it's once it's in the air. It's too late. Dude, it's it was I remember being on Twitter and reading his thread. Maybe he's wearing white dad socks long dad socks. I'm his fucking shit. Is that his hand on his belly?

Like he's super comfortable. Oh, yeah. And then he said, like, you know, when they finally talk to him like hours into this flight, he stands in the aisle, puts his pants on in the aisle, took him off in the aisle. It's like it's really nuts, man. Really crazy. Right. Because it's what's the the the next the one with the the writing none of right next

to that. After four hours of flight, can you please put your feet down? People are walking through here 40 seconds there to crazy, man. Crazy. Shit. Yeah. It's unbelievable. I remember reading that it was just never.

What is wrong? I mean, oh, yeah, this was like to have seen this. This is also this happened on a flight and this was sent in. This is this is actually kind of cute, though. This little kid. Look at this little kid. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, good for you, kid. It's a light. It's a light. It's a light. Oh, somebody have my feet on me. It's good for him. I don't have my feet on me. Yes.

The thing about a little kid, though, little kid will not be like, excuse me, he's like, get off behind me. That's right. Yeah. Good for him. I would hope my kids do the same thing. I can't get to treat after that. That's right.

Sticker. Yep. And a dinosaur. People just use whatever the fuck they want. How they want. I remember being at the gym one time and, you know, they got the hairdryer up a little higher, which I always thought was a hand dryer. And then they got one a little lower that I thought was for kids or little people, you

know, dry your hands. But this fucking dude that was in there, he felt like it was for drying out his foreskin and he, he stood under and peeled his fucking foreskin down and fucking dried around the tip of his dick. Everyone stand. They had to put a sign up that said hand dryers are for hands only. Yeah. That's what they had to do just to dry in the tip of his dick out on every fucking

thing. You know, I went to that gym in the South Bay when we lived down there, there's a bunch of old dudes. It's always old. They would use. I'm not kidding. One dude, I watched walk up to it, spread his cheeks and dried his ass. And then why do you need to dry your hands?

I don't know. He was like, that's what this is for. And then face forward and have it dry his pubes and his dick and just stood right in front of it and talk to people. Hey, Chuck, you want to go hit the links on Saturday? Just full conversation. Hair dryer drying his ass and his balls. Didn't even blink.

Talking to people. Yeah. Stop kidding. Ball bag is almost dry, man. Get out there. Top golf. Get my taint. My taint a little moist right now.

Dude, spreading, spreading it, holding his cheeks open. Just all kinds of germs, hot air, his asshole, blowing it around the whole locker room. That's where you need that kid to be like, the fuck are you doing? You know what? That's what we should hire a bunch of little kids that don't have filters instead of security guards and walk in and just start humiliating these adults. I agree. That's what we need.

A fucking kid force. Why does that little child know that that's inappropriate? Right. Does that? How come? You're going to spread your ass all like that in front of his hair dryer? Do you have kids? Like, oh, man.

Make me rethink shit. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever wonder? She needs to pop up. Do you ever wonder if you're retarded? No, I'm telling you. It's too much.

I'm going to throw up. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? I'm sure Ryan would like to see them. Do you ever worry? Do you ever worry? It keeps you up at night. Do you know about this lane? I don't like him.

There's a whole lane. I don't even know. The only reason I know, first of all, what TikTok is because you engage in it. Thank you. I really don't know what it is. If we had shares in the company, we would have made some money. I'm sure a lot of people have found out about this bullshit thanks to Christina. Is it like a vine type thing?

What is it? There are short videos and people can usually lip sync music like songs or parts from movies that they want to read. A lot of lip syncing was like the origin. That's the origin or dances. That's why I got on there because I was like, oh, I want to know what's cool because I'm housebound most of the time. Then I went down this cool rabbit hole of different areas.

It looks cool. It's so not cool. This is a lane. There's a lane called... He's not going to like this. What's a lane? There's a channel. No, no.

A lane meaning... A thread. Let's say one lane is lip syncing music. That's a lane of TikToks. That's what they call them lanes. Like you like. I will, for instance, a niche genre within the community. For instance, I will like people talking about cheeseburgers and then all of a sudden...

Oh, you can just like that and then it'll start populating. Your algorithm will pick it up. A little chip. Yeah, a chip. So this is a daddy's and little's, which is like it's adults playing like there's a parent and a child and this guy plays to the little. So he's like, I'm the father figure. Were you misbehaving today?

So he's talking to us as if we're the child right now. That's his whole, that's his whole feed. Hey, princess, you got the popcorn? That's good. Because I got the movies. Oh, come on. Let's do this. See, but he thought it was funny.

But the whole feed is like that though. Yeah. I think it's funny because of the absurdity and the fact that you guys are bringing it out here. But if I saw that, I would say you're not even allowed to go near that fucking house. Of course. My kids don't even walk by it. Wait a minute.

Oh, it's two more miles to get to school, walk the other fucking way. Yeah, go to the next one. Hey, y'all. Remy needs your help. That's my babysitter. And by the way, I've tried combs, I've tried baking soda in hot water. What gets rid of heartburn? I feel like I'm going to die.

Can somebody please help me out? Thank you. She looks like she's going to die too. I feel like I'm going to die. Let me get on this device in my hand and ask a bunch of fucking idiots what they think I should fucking do. Yeah. Wait.

Yeah. No, just keep going down this and then this is a group. Yeah. This is my nana, my nana, my nana. It's ready. What? Yeah. Bird chocolate chip cookies and scrambled eggs.

What is that? Okay. Talk to you later. I'm going to eat it now. Okay. Bye. That's it. That's what he posts.

And that's his like, you just see a lot of his meals. Yeah. I'm going to have lunch. I'm having my lunch. I'm eating my lunch. And then that's what he usually posts. Not a fan. We got to get you a real fucking activity, Christina.

Wait, let me see this. Yes. This is what I'm eating. Mustard. I have a headache. So. Wait. What?

Eating mustard. Ew. She likes to eat mustard. She does this all the time. I tried to do this as a food challenge for Derek. I said, I'll give you 20 bucks if you eat like two tablespoons of mustard. And he wouldn't do it. Pull up that cool story that I told this lady does that.

I like. Does that help with headaches though? Mustard? No. I've never heard that. No. She's just a mustard eater. She does this on everyone.

Mustard eater. She'll drop it on her shirt and then she'll eat the mustard off her shirt. I'm pissed at that. I didn't wear it. I have a shirt that says mustard lover, but it's a crab shirt. I should have wore that motherfucker today. God damn it. Yeah.

Well, this one's Tom's favorite. This is a good story. I think you like, you're a storyteller. You like stories. Love. It's a good story. All right. Yeah.

So, me and my friend were at a party, you know, at a friend's house. And he made a check. He could never tell, but somebody could never tell but check the man or a woman sometimes. Sometimes you can never tell. And, you know, he got a pretty lucky draw. And he took this check down in my friend's basement, down in the house, you know, and he kicked a long, long shirt and so he's down there and they're getting in the mood. And he says, why don't I feel like there's a log in your pants?

You go, hey, I just don't know what I ain't at. You know, he pulled down in the girl's pants at a 7-inch long on me. Wait for it. Look at his mouth. Watch the bottom lip. Oh, no. Yeah. Watch the bottom lip.

Find out. The guy's name's Suzy. Watch it? Making Suzy. Isn't that a good story? What's not a good look outside of just tick-tock in general? What's not a good look is talking about a 7-inch dick and within seconds after you say you're salivating heavily on yourself as if that wasn't you in bed with Suzy.

He's talking about himself. Look at that one. He loved that shit. Look. That's a lot. Yeah. That is the 7-dick equivalent of or 7-inch dick equivalent of a slobber right there. Yeah.

That's a good... I'll be like, what kind of slobber do you have? Like a 7-inch dick one? I don't know how she found this. She found this. This is just my favorite story. You just go through these? Yeah.

Yeah. It's a great story. Listen, that story did have a beginning and middle. It did. The thing is... It had a twist. I don't... I had all the elements to suspense.

I don't actually spend a lot of time doing these. I'm just blessed. My feed is pretty good. You are blessed. Yeah, it is. I've cultivated it to be effective right away. Can you follow... Do you have followers?

I do. On TikTok. But she doesn't post. You don't post? Yeah, but I don't put my own text cards. She's just a curator. I'm just a curator. Missing a golden opportunity, I feel like.

This one you like. What's going on? Hey, can I top you off, baby? You know, I really wish this coffee was my spit and this cup was your mouth. I think that would just be really, really great. I don't even... This... So, I'll judge.

If you show me this person from the neck up, I would never ever say... Definitely a New Jersey fucking devil's hockey fan. I would never pick hockey fan. No. Off the makeup alone, I wouldn't go hockey fan. The neck wear, I would definitely not say hockey fan. And I don't... I don't know.

That's disturbing. Yeah. Look at that. What are you doing wearing a hockey jersey? He almost laughs though when he says it. You see that, right? Yeah, he gets it. It's almost like, yeah, he gets that it's funny.

Like, right before he says it, right? He goes, watch his mouth. I really wish this coffee was... I think he's about to laugh. You don't think he was trying to just be coy and... Maybe. I mean, he's religious. You see that Jesus crossed the earring right there.

God bless. I didn't realize that. God bless. Yeah, so, yeah. We know where he is on Sundays. Oh my God. You know, I'm just excited to give marginalized talent a place. Well, that's what Hollywood does.

Yeah. That's what Hollywood is. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. Oh, he won't believe this one though. You're not ready for this. I'm not ready for any of these. Okay, this one.

Come on. Eatin' brushes, bro. Uh-uh. Look, it's caught in her teeth. Did you drink it? What the fuck? How does that not kill you? It's good for you.

And then tag it up. Yeah, I'm a SUNY mom. At SUNY.Mom. SUNY.Mom. Let me see that again. She bit him right in. This is my favorite part. If you scroll forward in the video and then they go like, see how there's someone eating

a brush? Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Yeah, they're eating a brush. Oh, look, but the mirror moved. Yeah, what? Yeah, that's the funny.

That's the weird part of this video. Oh, yeah. Who even saw that? I think it's because this is an ASMR video. Uh-huh. And so it makes a noise when it moves, so it's like, hey, check it out. This is the thing making the noise. Oh.

It's a thing that moves. I think we know what he's jerking off to at night. Why don't you pull up the other ASMR? We haven't even seen that yet. Fuck. Look at that. Just tearing through that brush, man. Ripping it up, man.

God. Yeah. That's a talent, though. Not everybody can do that. Are you into that ASMR stuff? Not at all. No. I'm not into anything.

That's like, it's, it's, you're wiring, right? Like you're either in or... This looks crazy. Juggalo? Yeah. There's a lot of those on TikTok, by the way. Yeah. There's a big Juggalo lane there.

What's up, guys? It's Juggalo ASMR. I got my face paint on today. Um... Well, I just put it on. I made, like, a video or two today, I think. I'm not sure. I just barely put it on.

I didn't have enough white, so my white's kind of fucky right now, so... Whatever. You gotta do what you gotta do. You gotta work with what you got. How about some good old scissor sounds? I've got plenty of white today. I'm just gonna pretty much be all scissor sounds. If you guys don't mind, I know there's a lot of people that just like scissor sounds.

So let's just do some scissor sounds. Get into it, asshole. I mean... Also ruining... Interrupting the scissor sounds with the fucking ceiling fan in the garage. I can clearly hear whirling back there. I don't get it. I like that sound, though.

I like that sound. That's a pleasant sound. Okay, I don't need that. And he took his headphones off. Doesn't like the sound? Well, now it's bothering me. All right, yeah, yeah, we're good on that. It's too much.

Why did he take them off? He doesn't like scissor sounds? It's too intense. That's too... It's too much. It was also rapid. Like, super rapid fire. Yeah, it's a lot.

He just doesn't like ASMR. I want to do a podcast. He better not be anti-juggalo, right? Right? I don't even know what that is. Okay, good, good, good. We're good there. It's insane clown posse.

Jesus. Do you even work here? Jesus. I want to do a podcast. I think we should do one out of here. So, just one or two a month. It's just one... Someone comes on and tells one story,

but all of us have to have aggressive cotton mouth. Ugh. And just... Oh, I don't like that. Stop it! That's my ASMR podcast, guys. I was going to say, you watch... I start a YouTube channel and just sit there

and lip smack cotton mouth. I'll bet y'all have 10 million. Stop it! Because I can tell when guests are very nervous on other people's shows, when they do that a lot, and you're like, ugh. You know when you tend to hear public speaking, like a best man's speech or something,

and they're just like, and I just want to say to the bride and groom, on your special day, oh, you're just like, fucking take a sip of something while I'm talking while you can't sit here and listen to that. Stop! I hate that sound.

I don't like it. I'm going to take a sip of something. Ugh! Ew, and I don't like that sound. I hate horking sound. Horking. Who's this motherfucker right here? He is.

This is the best I love. Who is this? Oh! What an effect of that! That's not a fucking joint. Sick! What the fuck was it? I don't know.

He says, I mean, it looks like he's smoking something. That might be PCP or something. He just pulled in hard. Yeah, that's not a joint. He hit that shit out of that thing. Let me see it again. What was it? I don't know.

Oh, God! Oh, my God. Oh, man, that is disgusting. All right, you can take it down. You can take it down. Wait, what happened? Like, he'd smoked it, and I saw him barf. And then what happens after?

He just said that's not a joint. I think he had a realization of what I think happened after. Immediately. Was it gone? I was not expecting that. Yeah, it's gone. Thanks. Thanks.

I don't like your intro anymore. I changed my mind. Oh, do you want to give... Can we pull up the three intros and have him weigh in on them? Is that something you could do or no? No? And I can't play it off of this at all? The audio won't play?

Actually, no, no, no. You can play the audio. Yeah. Yeah, do that. Just go into, what, 509? Yes. Thanks, guys. That was so disgusting.

Don't you dare fucking play that again. I was so mad. I hate that. Where is it? In Soundboard? Yes. Okay. God damn it.

Doesn't it blow you away too that just... Soundboard and 509. ...vomit itself? No thanks. No thank you. But when you smell it, you could vomit. I don't want to talk about it. Isn't it crazy that when you smell shit, you don't shit though?

Isn't that weird? That is kind of weird. It's weird to me that other bodily smell, like urine, I smell urine, doesn't make... When I walk through a like, you know, where a homeless guy just pissed, doesn't make me go, God I have to pee or I smell shit. I don't have to shit. But when you hear somebody pee, it makes you... Like if you have to pee and you hear somebody pee, it triggers your need to pee even more.

Yeah, does it. Or any like water stream. Yeah. Or what about when you have to shit and then you're in the car, but then when you get closer to your house? It ramps up. Because your asshole knows you're home. Your asshole knows when you're home.

It knows. It knows. Now, why can't you fart while you pee? Have you thought about that? Why can't you? That's a great question. It's a question. It's a brain teaser for running.

Okay, I'm just making clear. So, I know. I know. Why can't you hold in a fart? Sorry, wrong question. Oh, I was going to say, I'm thinking I probably can rip a fart. So, but why? Sure.

Probably a problem. But have you ever thought about why you can't hold in a fart as your pee? Why is that, right? Well, I guess it may be you're restricting everything with your bladder and everything that's trying to prostrate, whatnot, to push out that urine may be is my guess. You're restricting. I guess you're tightening the hold that fart in so you're restricting the push flow. I got you.

It's all in the same muscle. Do you have an answer though? I have a theory. Oh, I thought you were like, shut up. Don't tell him why. No, I just had someone say, well, you can't hold it in because it's all in the same muscle. It probably is. Which is a Dr. Drew question.

We have to see if it really is all the same, but it's in the same region. It's in the same region. I'm going to say it's a different muscle. Your sphincter is a different muscle than yours. It's a different, but it's in the same region. Now, have you ever had it where you pee, you take a brown and then as you're browning, you've made more pee and then you pee again. Do you know what I'm talking about?

So wait, I'm sitting down. You make yellow. Take a dump. I pee first. You pee first. You pee first. You take a dump. And then you're like, oh my God, I made more pee in the time that I'm taking this.

Oh, and then, yeah, it's probably just wasn't all the way out. Oh, you think so. It's like a reserve amount. Yeah. I pee a lot these days. I have a theory for it, but it's not really important. But the, somebody said the way to empty your bladder is to sit and lean forward, sort of like accordion out.

But I was like, I don't sit and pee. Right. Like you're missing the whole fucking problem here. I don't sit and pee unless I'm doing that. Well, I'm going to lean forward too because I pee a lot. That's what they say. If you lean forward, you sort of accordion it out. Okay.

Good theory. There you go. Well, you've been, you know, you like our theories. I like it. You've been friends with us a long time and you know. Don't worry. That shit's about to come to an end. I know.

Do you know about our intro battle lately? Yeah. So people wanted a longer intro. 10 hours. Yeah. So what ended up happening was the guys, because we had like beef about, you know, how the sound should it change, the three guys in there each made a intro and submitted as like, could this be the new intro?

So the first one is based on Christina's TikToks. And so Blue Band submitted that and was like, this will say, don't tell me who did them. Oh, sorry. That's okay. But I know. Oh yeah. Maybe we shouldn't. Damn mommy.

I ordered a buffalo burger. I'm not a racist. My sister went down. She went down to the mountain. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your. So.

Different intro sounds. Little cold open. TikTok cold open. TikTok cold open. I love it. I did until I got the barf video. This is the Blue Band. The next one.

Let me see if I can get this to play. See here. Nope. Nope. Making my lunch. Fuck your morning. Just glasses. DD mega doo doo.

I turn it to a telescope. Welcome. Welcome. So what those are is those are more recent drops. In line with the your mom's house. Yeah. Yeah. So all those came from the show within the last year, as opposed to the intro now, which

is the drops from like 10 years ago. Right. Right. So. Yeah. Your mom's house. So that's just a. DD mega doo doo.

Yeah. Fuck your morning. Just glasses. Mega doo doo. I turn it to a telescope. Welcome. So that's that one. Now this is the last one.

DD. And there's no point in trying to mask who it is. Okay. So what happened here was. I don't know if I just play it and then tell you what it is. Just play it later. See his reaction. Okay.

Hold on. And this is just trying to get it to play. DD. This is deep time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone's mother into this. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

Christina Pashitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. So. Wow. Josh did a full a cappella version. I heard that. Here's the problem. I know you want me to put logic to the most ridiculous shit and I'm going to.

But the real problem here is you've got three really strong good. Yeah. Yeah. So. Too much talent. Let me go through them one by one. Yeah. I think that TikTok could potentially be a fad like Vine.

When that goes away, then you're going to have to come up with a new intro. So I feel like that's probably not the best choice, but I would put that at number two. Wow. Number three, I would put Potter only because who knows what that guy's going to fucking do in his career. And any moment that shit spirals out of control, you've got to change that fucking intro. You know what I'm saying? Right.

He's pretty unstable. Yeah. So of the choices, I think I would take the what is it? The new drugs. The new drugs. The new drugs. The new drugs. Oh yeah.

DD Mega Doodoo. Yeah. That's my choice. But based on why though. That's a solid logic. They're all my favorite. Solid logic. It is solid logic.

That's all. It is pretty great though, right? It's fucking morning. Just go on. DD Mega Doodoo. I turn it to a telescope. I do want to see the camera. I'm going to take a picture of it.

I'm going to take a picture of it. I'm going to take a picture of it. I'm going to take a picture of it. I turn it to a telescope. I do want to say this. There could potentially be a possibility for a hybrid. Because where I really do think Josh's excel was when he got into the. Do that again.

Right. Oh. I feel like you could DD Mega. What is it? DD Mega Doodoo. By the way. Up top and then hit Josh's like that. Come on.

Ride the train. That's what it sounds like. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone mother in the list. Your mom mother fucking stands. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Christina Pashitsky.

How do you do that? And then. Welcome to your mom's house. Where is this? Right here. I feel like you could bring this up on the end of the other thing. You know. Make a hybrid.

By the way. DD Mega Doodoo. Is a news anchor reporting on a fallen officer. Like someone. A dead officer. That's her name. No. She misspoke about like.

She was like. And this weekend at the funeral of DD Mega Doodoo. No. Oh my God. To say their final goodbyes to this fallen Louisville police officer. DD Mega Doodoo. I'm sorry. Mangoodoo.

Oh my God. You could see the fear in her eyes. Oh yeah. A fallen officer. DD Mega Doodoo. This fallen Louisville police officer. DD Mega Doodoo. You know what.

Look at her. You're right. Lost. Up. Messing Deirdre up for DD is more offensive than the Mega Doodoo. Yeah. That is a tough name. It's Deirdre.

A final goodbye. Mangoodoo. Falling officer. Deirdre. Mangoodoo. Yeah. Mangoodoo. Or.

I got a feeling that's. Mangoodoo. It's definitely not DD Mega Doodoo. It's not. But that final goodbyes going live on virally forever. That ain't going to be. No. That ain't going to be.

What a stupid fucking bitch. Right. Dumb fucking woman. DD Mega Doodoo. That's gotta go in there. Stupid fucking bitch. Play her again. Final goodbyes.

Either final goodbyes to this fallen Louisville police officer. DD Mega Doodoo. I'm sorry. Mangoodoo. You gotta get her. You should have her on the fucking show. No. That's a high pressure.

Right. I'm calling like a thousand newscasts and then I don't know. There's gotta be times where you're like, I mean, there's times we do this shit. We're like, I fucking stung her. Yeah. I would have been like Deirdre M. I would have bailed out. I'd rather that fuck up be out there than Mega Doodoo. Mega Doodoo.

Mega Doodoo. Who knows? You know what could have happened to you? She might have kids and they were all joking around all week. Like, you must have something to say Mega Doodoo. And then she's got in her head. Because right away she said I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Almost like listen. I'm Mega Doodoo. A thousand dollars if you say Mega Doodoo. Oh yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying that shit. Yeah. Like Mega Doodoo.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm getting a brand new car. Mega Doodoo. Mega Doodoo. Mega Doodoo. I think that's my pick.

The Mega Doodoo take. But with Josh's beatboxing. That's what I did. Is that even beat? I wouldn't say it's beatboxing. No. No. Oh man.

That's so fucking funny. Oh God. The other one. You ever worry that you're retarded? Yeah. The other one. Oh. That could be.

Can we show? Can you pull up Uncle Terry on Scam City? All right. Is this the guy? Terry in the wheelchair? This is Terry in the wheelchair? No. You moved Terry?

No. No. Get out of the way, Terry. You know I'm talking about what is shooting the fireworks off around the guy? No. How have you guys never seen that? We have seen it. We played it?

No, no, no. We haven't played it on the show. I know what you're talking about. Of course. Terry's in like an electric wheelchair and they put a, not the offensive. We find, let's go here. We found out that there's a show on Netflix right now called Scam City. Okay.

Yeah. And Scam City, it's people tell you their tales of traveling to different parts of the world and how they basically got scammed, right? Oh, I'd like to watch that. Yeah. It's a cool show. But one of our personal stars, like someone we've highlighted, is on the show in a sincere way.

Well, not just that. One of the most scandalous videos we've ever played. Yeah. He cost us $2.3 million. We lost our McDonald's sponsorship because of Terry. Watch. And then we regot it later. But that's the difference.

It was an $80 cab ride. I gave him $100. He gave me $20 back. And once we got inside the club, we looked at the money and the friends that we're meeting was like, no, this is fake. All right. So the story is like that. And then here you can see the next guy here.

After only a mile, the meter was like four. On the right. There's Terry. Keep watching. That's Terry. So he's telling the story on the show. After only a mile, the meter was like four times what it should have been. So right away, I just told the driver, just stop, we'll get out and pay.

Not a big deal. We pull out a 50 and then he starts giving us change. One of the bills that he gave us was a 10. That was a false note. Oh, fuck it. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. That's him. That's the same guy.

That's the same guy. God damn it. What the fuck is he doing? He's fucking a fucksley with a butt plug in. He's what? He has a fucksleeve with beads in it. And he has a butt plug in his ass. And he has a.

Terry, Terry. That's Terry. He has a ruin door. And he's worried about a fake 10. I mean, you got a lot of other problems on your fucking plate, Terry. Look, look here. This is the same guy. This is the same guy.

You just saw him. So there's no, like, you just saw him sitting on that chair. And I'm here to do a little video. Happy about it. So happy. Yeah. Look at the tan line on his neck. Yeah.

See where it just changes? Most people tend to. I haven't used it, of course. He's stroking right now. How have your researchers found this? People in Netflix have no idea. I know. Right.

And then we, you know what else happened? And you have three specials on Netflix. You have two. Five times you guys have been on the network and they can't even fucking figure this guy out. And guess what else they made us realize? Not only is it like the guys on that show and here he is about to put his butt plug in, but that we actually featured him 100 episodes earlier on a different video. He's actually been on our show twice and we didn't even realize that that right there

was a second appearance. 100 episodes earlier, he was on our show in this capacity. This is him obviously from a video that was even older. But check him out here. My name's Pete and today I'm going to be demonstrating a new toy that I got. And the cool thing about it is it incorporates a power drill and a flush light and your hard dick. And your hard mouth.

Use the cordless. Look at that. He's been doing, he's been in this sex toy lane for a minute. Look at the smile on his face. Oh yeah. By the way, his name is Pete. We call him Uncle Terry. He just became a nickname.

Oh, okay. Danny Brown came on the show. He calls him butt plug cuss. So. It's a really fun toy. Here we go. Here we go. He's pretty fucking amazing.

He's always had a good time. Did you hear the episode? He goes, oh, we have butt plug cuss. Look at his face. He loves it. He loves it. Oh man, I feel good. He's so happy and he's so innocent about it too, right?

I don't know. He's like, I want to do this today. It's so innocent. I'll tell you what, butt plug cuss got on Netflix before I did. He throws up every time I go start fucking toys at home. Ryan, this guy is unreal. Do you ever worry that you're retarded? Yes, I do.

I think this episode made me retarded. So, did you realize? If I wasn't already, I'm definitely. The second appearance. Did you realize that was? No. You didn't even catch it. Not even for weeks.

Dude, and let me tell you something. The mommies are so thorough. Dude. We got notified and the mommies like, that guy's from episode one of two bears podcast. We brought in a friend of a friend to serve drinks. I saw you. All we said was her first name. That's it.

Never gave out any other information. It's not somebody I'm connected to. If you went to my page, you'd see who I follow. In like two hours. We found her and all the people were like, we found her. Instagram. I have no idea how. Just knowing her name, they found her.

They found her. They found Robert Paul Champagne. Yeah, they did. They found the guy in Scared Straight. Did the mommies find that guy? That was a fan. Just like a stand-up comedy fan. Dude, the mommies are powerful.

Unbelievable. You do not want to fuck with the mommies. Nope. They will come after you. It's amazing. It's amazing. By the way, Sidebar at that McDonald's commercial I did has 5 million views now. What?

Yeah. The one we talk about being a mom in the street bubble. It's banana. That's mommy powder. When I saw it, I was like, please say this is real. Tom's like, it's real. I can't even. And then I saw you up at Sketch Fest and everything up there.

I cannot even get over it. Can you believe that they came crawling back? They should. Delia. Well, they did. I mean, they realized that Uncle Terry and them shaming him, it's not in the spirit of inclusivity, which is what McDonald's is all about, being inclusive. Have they ever sponsored a podcast in the history of that company?

I say it's groundbreaking. I think we're the first. That's groundbreaking. Yeah. Delia just sent me TikToks to send you. Oh, yay. By the way, Delia has been making some great ones of his own. He makes fun of them, which is even, do you want to share with the audience or are you

just going to play it on your phone and enjoy? Oh, OK. What should I do? Just warp it in right now? That came in. No, not. But you're just going to watch it and enjoy it? I don't know even what it is.

Oh, you're going to watch it. OK. Do you worry that you're retarded? I am retarded. Jesus. I want you to share with the class. I'm not sharing because it just can't even know what it is. I just said, I'm telling you that he's sharing TikToks now.

You're opening the TikTok, you know. All right. God. What is telling you? So, Ryan, where are you going to be? Do you have any dates coming up? When does this come out? I don't know.

Ryan or Blue Band? Probably early mid-August. Well, then, well, August 1st through 3rd, I'm in Minnesota House of Comedy. I don't know if it'll be up by then or not. And then, September 14th, I'll be at the famous in Baltimore. You can go to any shows locally. I'm at the Improv Comedy Store, Ice House. Go to RyanSickler.com.

You can get all that info. And we're thrilled to have you here doing the Honeydew every week. I love it. Thank you so much. What a great podcast. It's been awesome. And for those of you who don't know what this is, Ryan Sickler talks to people about what would you consider to be their...

Their low lights. Their low lights. The low lights. And then laugh, find light in those moments and laugh about that shit. Now. And we've both done it. And you've had a ton of guests. Drew.

Yep. We've got some great upcoming guests, too. So it's been awesome. I love it. I love being here. It's fun. Right over there. Right over there.

Yeah, right over there. Studio Jeans. Is there anything else? Blue Band? No, I think we covered most of it. All right. We covered a lot. We covered a lot.

That was so much debauchery. I gotta go home and think about a lot. Yeah, me too. That was heavy. A lot of fun. Thanks for coming, man. Thanks for having me. Thanks, Jeannie.

All right. Your mom's house will be right back. And we are back. We were just discussing how horrible it is to share a Netflix account with Christina. But we're back from lunch. He's... You know what, Tommy? You're a little saucy today, Bernays.

What's going on with you? What do you mean? I think you're overworked. I think you're tired. You need a break. I might be overworked. That's fine. You're overworked.

And I milked your ding-dong last night. So I know it's not a milking issue. You need a day. You need a day. It could be. It could be. But it also could be that, you know, you could concede a little bit on the Netflix watching. I let you watch your murders when I fall asleep.

You let me watch my murders. I mean, look at the way you even phrased that. Because it's horrible for me. It gives me nightmares. That's the part that excites me. Okay. Hi. Hi.

So Stephen Randolph is here. He is a great comedian. We see him at the store quite often. A very funny guy. But also, I got to tell you, so what prompted this whole thing was a few months ago, we're fortunate enough to have Tushort and Kevin Blatt, am I saying the right? Yeah. KB.

KB came in here. And the first thing they said when they were, like literally in the lobby, they were like, man, have you heard Stephen Randolph stories? And I was like, no. And they're like, you got, I mean, that's how they introduce themselves. They introduce themselves. Wow. Talking about you.

That makes me feel good. Yeah. And they were like, he had just, I guess you had done their radio show or their podcast. I don't know what it was, but he mentioned it. Blow the whistle. Blow the whistle. I tried. Tushort.

Yeah. If I do it near the mic. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So anyway, so then, and then I saw you like a couple of days later, then I mentioned you to Ryan Sickler. I think you've done his, the crappies.

Yeah. And he was like, oh, he was like raving about it. So that's so cool. You gave me like a little taste of background. She has no idea, which is the best. That's why I didn't want anything to be said. Got it. But just, okay.

So for the audience, you know, to get a little background, like where, where are you from? Just so people know. I'm a local guy. I'm from Pasadena, California. Wow. 626. The 626. Where'd you go to high school, bro?

I went to St. Francis, uh, was kicked out of there and graduated from Pasadena High School. Okay. So were you a bad boy? Is that what was going on? I was a wild kid. You were? Yeah. Very wild.

And how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it off and on, I would say consistently for the last five years. Okay. So comedy since 2009, started with improv, then started doing stand-up. Did it with Sam Trip, met Sam Tripoli outside of comedy. Yes. Love him the most. Yeah.

And he, you know, that's who got me started in stand-up. Are you serious? Really? I was a comic even though I did like two open mics. He's like, dude, you start opening for me and I like, in the car down to the comedy store in La Jolla, this was like 2010. I didn't have a set and I was like, what? What have I done?

You know? And I like squeaked it out with just like, did you tell him? No. You kept it to yourself? Yeah. And then you got through it? Yeah. I, I opened Tony Hinchcliffe featured and then Tripoli headline, but I was so wacky.

This was not as newly sober. So I was like six months off hair. So I was so fucking weird that they were both like, oh, this guy's wild and they just kind of kept me around because of that six months off heroin. Yeah. How long were you on heroin? 10 years. How did you get started on heroin?

I got my wisdom teeth pulled and I loved it. You got your wisdom teeth pulled and you're taking some like it in like it in and like, you know, I would, I was always in, I was on meth in high school and I was always on something since I was like 13 and, but then when I got my wisdom teeth pulled, they give you a bike it in and I took it and I was like, what the fuck is this feels good and all my problems went away. And I was like, I always want to feel like this. I'll do anything.

I want to feel like this the rest of my life and I was like happy. So when, when that, when that first prescription ends, you know what I mean? Like when you do you immediately go like, oh, everything still hurts, I got to get more or like, how do you, you know what I mean? Like how do you ramp, keep it going on that initially? It's funny because the first one I didn't, it wasn't, um, I was still young. I was like 18 and I was smoking a lot of pot and drinking at the time, doing a lot of coke. So it wasn't like, it was like this amazing thing, but you kind of like forget about it

in the chase of like getting laid and all this other stuff. So when the prescription ran out, I was like, damn, that fun thing is gone. And then I looked at the bottom and it said refill. So I went in and I refilled it. So I had another like 20 or whatever, but I, you know, passed them out and ate them and you know, did that, given some away and then, then it was gone and then my sister got her wisdom teeth pulled out like three months later and I didn't even think about it. And then I saw there was a gap between using like, you know, that when that second went

in, you were like, all right, like you, yeah, whatever. I'll just smoke weed and do coke and stuff. And then, uh, all right, and then my sister got her wisdom teeth pulled. Same thing. I took all of hers found at Trader Joe's. They made an Advil that looked like it and replaced it. You gave her Advil. Yeah, she's tough.

She's a tough chick. This sucks. Love you, Stacy. She's a, she went through. Yeah. She was a soldier, my sister. And then the same thing happened with my brother. I have a younger brother and he got his wisdom teeth pulled.

So now like I had this like four month period where I was just like party time and then I forgot they ran out and it wasn't enough to get a habit. So like it wasn't, you need like to do it like consistently for a month all the time. But once you have the habit, once it, once you have that habit and there's a physical deal with it for the rest of your life. So it's been 11 years. I'm 11 years sober now. That's great.

Thank you. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. But if I were to start taking stuff, I would get it. I would be back where I was. How much is the, how much is the, like, is there a struggle right now? None. None. Zero.

Do you, but you do like meetings and 12 steps. Say it 12 step was, I did it. You did it. It took me five years to get it. I went to read. That's a whole other. Wow. I went to two nice rehabs then went to one where everybody was in prison, except for me.

And that's the one that did it. So why is that the one that did it? I just was like, this is what happens when I drink one beer. Eventually I will like, this is what I was like, there was a hit man for, I was with just people straight out of prison because Schwarzenegger had this special bill. I think it was called Saska where if you had like life in prison or serious prison time, but if they could tell it was because of drugs, they were letting guys out. And it was a good thing.

But so now this house that I was in eight bunk bedroom, this guy, this guy got, I think he's back in forever, but he came in one night. The prison bus like dropped them off and he came in. He was like, Hey, what's up? Took off his shirt. He had swastikas everywhere. And I was just like, you know, I'm like two weeks off here when I'm like, okay. He's like, what's up homie?

He's like, I'm going to be taking the top bunk and he just like laid it out. And I was just like, Oh boy, this is going to be trouble. This is your bunk mate. This is my bunk mate. And I go, what's your deal? He goes, Oh, I'm a hit man. And he, and I don't want to say his name. No, don't.

Yeah, yeah. But he, but he was like, I can't believe I'm out. I just killed someone yesterday. He's like, this is wild. And I've never slept so peacefully. He was the nicest guy. He was so funny. But you just didn't mess with, you just didn't take it to level 10 with him.

Fuck no. And he would just draw pictures of Einstein all day. He had a lisp. He was like built like Mike Tyson and he listened to classical music. What ethnicity? Oh, he's a swastikas. He's all white. White.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Hit man for the white guys. Yeah. And he loved doing it. And he specialized in killing child molesters. Oh, that's awesome.

And he goes, you know what's funny? He goes, he goes, I make little jokes while I'm doing it. And, you know, and he was telling me about this one that just happened 48 hours before. He's like, I was puncturing his stomach and the acid of the stomach was spraying in my eyes. And he was like, wow, wild stuff. And then he just would go to REM sleep. And I just like, night, night. Yeah.

I'd be like, Oh my God. Like, wait, so who would hire him to kill these child molesters? Fucking crazy. Yeah. Oh, crazy. And then the head ward. And so who would hire him? Yeah.

He did it for the white gangs. But he said the other races weren't on top of their child molesting killing game. And so he took that upon himself. And he just like, I'll handle this for you. So meaning he would kill other inmates that were already imprisoned for child molesters. Yeah. He would be the first guy and just kill him. I love it.

I have no problem. Seems like a good guy. Honestly, we actually, I like them. Yeah. He was a good guy. Yeah. He sounds great. Yeah.

Had swastikas on him. Well, that part's a little weird. Fixated on Einstein. Obsessed with Einstein. It was, you know, he was doing it. And I didn't want, I didn't want to cross that line with him, you know. But he was fixated on Einstein. How's he drawing?

He didn't want to be like, you know, you're kind of dumb. No, one time I snapped at him and he calmly said, you know, that was interesting. That's the first time in 11 years someone's ever talked to me like that. And he's like, wow, new experience. And I just got the chills. And I was like, you know, because I'm like withdrawing off drugs. I'm like, shut the fuck up. And he was just like, it was like Mike Tyson.

And he's like, wow, that was an interesting experience. And I was just like, oh. Did you like apologize or something or no? Yeah. But we were cool. He would have mandatory. He'd put on K-Rock in the morning while we were all getting ready. And he would, I would have to play the bass some other guy.

And these are all guys I didn't want to do. This is your black guy, Mexican guy. They're like doing it for him. We're all, he would make us sing K-Rock. So he would listen to like Kevin and Bean or whatever is in the morning. And we would all have to do an imaginary. I would play bass and hey, and if you didn't want to do it, he's like, you don't want to have fun. And it'd be like, so we were all fucking doing it.

And he was a scary killer. And so we're all playing. But looking back, it was so, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. Holy shit. So he'd play that. We were near the ocean. And he would always go, he was built like Mike Tyson. He was missing a front tooth.

His face was just covered. And he looked like when you watch the Arian Brotherhood documentary, he's a cover guy. Like that's what he looked like. And he was like, hey, Steve, come here. Come to my room or come over here. And I would say, yeah, yeah, Scott. And he would go, but he had another name too.

And he would go, do you want to get sober, be roommates, live at the beach, and have the best summer ever? And I would go, yeah. And he goes, guess what? We're already doing it. And then, and then he would go, all right then. And because the head, head prison guy, when he would give out orders, he, I don't know if I should be, I don't know.

This isn't class mind. I'm appreciating this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. He would always end everything with all right then. And you would have to say, all right now.

And it just got like OCD, like our whole rehab. He'd be like, all right then. And we would be, all right now. Everyone's doing what he likes to greeting. Now, how did he set that up? He says, I'm going to say, all right then. He was very like that. And you say, all right now.

Yes, exactly. I wonder what would have happened if when he said, like, I'm going to take that top bunk. If you're like, I'm already on that top bunk. I think he would think it's funny because he was so hardcore that he was just tripping out. When he came out of his Christmas time and we were all at this house meetings, all these people detoxing. And he goes, he was very polite, very manipulative and very funny.

Excuse me. And all these guys are coming in to share with us about their sobriety. And there's like 80 guys in this room. There's a Christmas tree in the corner of this like hall that we're in. Hi. I don't know if this is weird, but I haven't seen a Christmas tree in 11 years because he just got out of here. He goes, can I hug it?

And the guy's like, okay. And he just went and hugged and kissed this. He was very flamboyant. He was so hard. He was flamboyant. Yeah. It was out of control. Scotty, Scotty doing his thing.

Yeah. Love them. He was funny. Well, that's outrageous. Now, so one of the main story that like, that kind of piqued my interest is that you met your now lovely wife how long ago? About five years ago at an open mic. At an open mic.

And I don't know how long you courted, but from what I understand, what you were going to tell me about was about your first, was it a first official date? A first official date. So did you, did you ask her out right then and there at that first open mic? So, okay. So what happened? I got friendzoned right away.

It was at Sal's comedy hole. Oh, yeah. That's like your wife, probably for people that knows Chelsea. What's that? Your wife. Chelsea. Yeah. Yeah.

Just for the audience. Oh yeah. Chelsea Skidmore. Very, very funny comedian. My best friend. Yes. My absolute best friend. Yeah.

I love you. Met her at an open mic. I was hosting. She tried to cut the line. I shut her down. And I was rude to her. And I started ripping on her on stage. Because like this hot chick's not going to do this to me.

And then I felt really bad. And I was like, God, in 12 step, you'd make a man. And so I found her on Facebook. I was like, hey, I'm really sorry. Because you're already sober at this point. Yeah, I was already sober. And I was like, I'm sorry for the way I treated you. That was inappropriate.

I just felt, you know, blah, blah. And then she was like, okay, cool. And then we became friends. And then I was like, she was so hot, so funny. I liked her right away. But she friendzoned me. You know, she was in a place where she could be in a relationship. She was dating like other people.

We were both kind of being crazy. I was fucking a bunch of chicks, you know. But she was fucking a bunch of dudes. And but we became best friends, like real best friends. And everybody's like, I know you're eating that. You're legit hanging out a lot. Truly. I really, you know, because I wasn't getting laid.

I never thought it would happen. I didn't know if it would happen. But it was it was so fun hanging with her. I wanted to hang with her other more than anybody else around. And so we just became best friends. And then one day, like one day I was just like, we did a podcast together too with Tripoli on all things comedy. We did International Bad Boys.

And it was like pretty cool. But Sam and I got in this huge fight, blow up fight. And it ended the podcast on the on the air. Yeah, it was it was brutal. Yeah. What was your can you tell us what the fight was about? You know, Sam and I had been arguing a lot. And he just was misbehaving.

And yeah, without getting into it. No one heard the last other than the live stream. Like it still lives on my hard drive and my computer. But it's not out there. It's not out there. We got a screaming match. And it was me, my wife and Sam Tripoli. And it was a very fun podcast.

We all got along really well. It was awesome. And but I don't at the end of it. Yeah, it was a blow up. And and and Chelsea and I were on that podcast. And in that podcast, I'd always talk about this Bukaki lifestyle, this Bukaki thing that I had done. And you're done.

Well, OK. Yeah, the lifestyle. I don't know there was a Bukaki lifestyle. So well, OK. So I started interning at Big Brother magazine. Oh, the skateboarding. You know about it. Yeah.

I was in like a lot of their videos and stuff. I worked for Jeff Termane and Dave Cardi. And that was the coolest thing in my life. We became the Jackass. Jeff Termane did all the Jackass stuff. All the Jackass stuff. And that was other than the comedy store, I would say that was like, it's a tie between the comedy, the coolness of being a part

of that community and in Big Brother magazine. Big Brother magazine was Jackass Uncensored, if you can imagine that. So this was, you know, by the time it got onto MTV, incredible show. But it wasn't. Just like, by the way, aside, there was a time when like that Vice magazine was so underground

and cool. That was dope. And fun. Before, like, it became the vice that everybody knows. It was really cool. You get those. I would go to those Eastside. Dude, I know.

Yeah. Like in Los Angeles. Oh, yeah. I remember those days. Yeah. And that's the only play. No one really knew it. It was like freeze, like that free zine.

Yeah. I'm just like, yeah. Well, Big Brother was like that equivalent. 100% So Cal kind of, well, California, I guess. Big Brother, I think influenced Vice. I think Vice was an offshoot of Big Brother. 100%.

Okay. Big Brother was the thing. So I remember I was working at a Trader Joe's and in my friend, Steve Lukasevich, was like, Hey man, you got to check out this skate video. And I'm like, oh, I don't skate. He's like, nah, dude, it's mostly porn and people beating the shit out of each other and crazy shit.

So this was like a 98. I'll take that. Yeah, I was like, yeah. Skaters are the coolest, aren't they? The coolest. They always have the coolest shit going. And like late 90s skaters. It was just like a different thing.

And so he put in this video and I watched like Steve. Oh, this was like before Jackie's. I was like, dude, what? This is fucking rad, Johnny Knoxville, all this stuff. And I just, I remember like just watching that going, I'm going to be in that next video. I just had this feeling. And I was like, I'm going to be in that fucking next video.

And he's like, how? And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. So I, so I was like, I have to get footage from these guys. So this was before like internet really is 98. And so I 411 Larry Flint publication. Because I saw at the end that Larry Flint made it. I kept calling Larry Flint, kept calling Larry Flint,

said I need to talk to big brother magazine, need to talk to big brother magazine, was leaving the messages, messages. I want to intern for you. They didn't respond. And so then my friend dressed up like a ninja. So I had a camera on my, on my shoulders and my friend dressed up like a ninja and attacked this rollerblader.

And I got it on, on film. Like the rollerblader doesn't know what's happening. Yeah, this is bad vibe. This isn't good. I'm so, this was a different Steven. This was our crystal meth doing anything it took. And I called them again. Like I was like, I'm not stopping until, until I get this.

And I called and I said, Hey, this is Steve. I got footage of my friend in a ninja outfit, beating up a rollerblader. And they were like, called me back instantly. Like, Hey, come in tomorrow. Can you come in tomorrow? And I walked in, I showed them the video and they're like, how fast can you type?

I was a fuck up in high school, but I learned a little bit of Spanish for some reason. I liked Spanish and I liked the typing class. We had this program called typing tutor and I loved it. I always say that typing is probably the most useful thing I'd ever learned in high school. It was the number one. It got me my job at, at big brother city.

There you go. I would get stoned and play typing tutor. It was like a rocket. You'd have to like do this. And I got really good at it. And I go, I'm a very fast typer. And they're like, type something for us. And they were, they had, okay, come back in.

And I was like, these guys don't need friends. Somehow I got into this. I just need to type and transcribe all their, their interviews. And every once in a while, they'll give me, they'll give me opportunities. So it was down at on La Cienega in Wilshire. Larry Flint owns the building.

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Is that building, is it still there? Still there, still Larry Flint. Yeah. Yeah. So he owned like 30 or 40 porn magazines, one boating magazine and one skateboard magazine.

So everybody was doing porn in that whole fucking building, but they all had to wear suits and ties. He's very conservative actually. Yeah. And then big brother, we could wear whatever we wanted. So we would be all drugged out, dressed like skaters. Everybody else is in, in suits and we're like, it was the coolest thing in the world.

It was just so cool. Like Knoxville's hanging out there. Steve was hanging out there. Like the first time I met Steve, I had to open up the door like my second week and he had taken a hit of a NOS balloon was purple and just fell on the floor. That was, I opened the door and he did that.

And he's like, I'm fucking here. And everybody was like cheering and, you know, it was just a wild, wild time. And so, you know, I ended up working there. I fought Chuck Ladell in a two, two, like my second week. They're like, all right, you want to stay at this magazine? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, you're fighting Chuck Ladell.

He'd, no one knew him yet. And they maybe watch his Brazilian fights. And I was like, oh my God. You're like, I'm going to fight this world class MMA fighter. In the two, two. And so like they filmed me doing that. I just didn't say no to anything. Wait, what happened in that?

He beat the fuck out of me. I couldn't walk for two weeks. I mean, he must have taken it easy, right? He took it easy. And then they're like, turn it up. And he just kept on kicking my leg. And my leg just shivered once and didn't work for like a week and a half.

Nice guy. Sounds like it would suck. It sucked. But I had it. I was like, I did whatever it took to stay at this magazine. Of course. It's cool as fuck. Cool as fuck.

So I'm there. And you know, that's when the, so then Jackass hit. And then there was all these people, because that was just mania. And I remember the graphic designer, Tyler Dare, was like, hey man, all these doctors are starting to hang out like with the groupies and stuff like that. And I go, who gives a fuck about that?

And he goes, dude, they can write his prescriptions for anything. I'm like, what do I want? Like Advil? I still didn't think about the Viking, because that was like a year before. And I was like, he's like, Viking? And they could just write it.

I'm like, wait, what? And he goes, yeah, dude. So we met this doctor. And he would just write his prescription. Just to hang out. Yeah. Unlimited. I had a bottle.

And my mom was finding these things. She's like, how is this existing? Like, how are you getting this? But we had all these doctor friends. And so that's when that really got back. And this is at the same time Jackass is taking off? Yes. So wait, let me ask you this though,

because like, you know, it's such like a crazy crew. The foundation. Is part of you like kind of resenting not being in more stuff with them? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it hurt. It hurt. But like that was, I got on a little too late.

These guys had already been grinding it out for five years. I got you. OK. So like I wanted to be on it. So I was filming with the same crews that were filming all that stuff. And yeah, like I was like, fuck, I want to be in Jackass. But like a lot of the guys,

we didn't think it was going to be that big. So like a lot of the crew, half of the guys stayed and made big brother. And they're like, dude, they're going to do their little MTV thing and we'll just stay at the magazine. And that thing took off so fast. And I stayed at the magazine.

Got you. And I progressively got worse and worse on opiates. And my mom was like, I started getting really bad. And she was like, you know, if you want to come home, you can come home, but you can't work at that Mac. My mom just did not like. She just knew something was up. She was like, I don't like you working at that magazine,

but it wasn't their fault. You know, but it's like, you know, I'm. Millie environment's probably not great. It was insane. They're doing drugs and they're hurting themselves. I get it. Yeah, it was. It was not the same as like an accounting office.

No, it's not. Well, that's wild shit that was going on. Yeah, it was. It was like an unbelievable. I mean, we're just blowing lines of coke, like like watching traffic on Los Angeles. You're like, like it was crazy. And that wasn't even that.

That was like, that was just the beginning for me. But like, so then during that building, I would just wander around the hall. So you'd go on the third floor and they had a consulate where all the girls coming in from Sweden in Brazil, they literally had pimp's guys with fucking hats with feathers in them. And they would go, hey, come up to the,

I think it was the 10th floor. Come up to the 10th floor and check this out. And they would have, they would, they were giving girls their citizenship and they were just bringing them in from the Czech Republic from Brazil and they were just entering them into porn. And it was like, I even felt bad at the time as much of a pervert as I am.

I was like, because they were my age. I was like 19 or something. I was like, Jesus. And the guys were like, hey, you're going to be a star and all this stuff. It was just happening at that building. And the girls were like, I love country America. Yes, it's great.

It's great. You know, free water. Toilets that work. Yeah. Horrible. So like I started wandering around the rooms and there was porn everywhere. And we got all the reject.

If people submitted for porn and they weren't good looking enough or they were just too fucking weird, they would give us all at Big Brother because they wanted everyone to be cool with that. So it came to my intern desk. I would just get all the rejects from all the magazines. So I mean, my walls were just posted with weird broken dicks

and blown out buttholes and weird couples from fucking Pakistan. And I just got so bored of porn. It was everywhere. I didn't get paid at the time, but I could. They had a porn suite. So it was about this size and it was filled with porn. I could take as much home as I wanted.

And so I brought a book bag and I was living at my mom's house. And so I brought it. I brought a book bag home every single day of porn while you're also getting into drugs more, getting into drugs and living with your mother. My mother and I stored it in my brother's room. So we just had this fucking whole after a year. And one day, Scott, I hope you're not mad at me

for telling this story. I love you. But one day I came home and I went into my brother's closet and it was all gone. And I was like, what the fuck? And he was like, mom caught me beating off. It's gone, dude. It's fucked.

Because she thought he had the problem. She thought that that was you. And he had a rat on me. And so like, yeah. So yeah, because I was going to say, if he had wall to wall porn. It was everything. Dude, it sounds like a great description

to like an addict's tale. I was like, interior home. He lives at home with book bags full of porn and a pill addiction that is just ramping up. Yeah. Just starting. Just starting. Jesus.

Wait. So what you were saying was? No, I'm just saying like I was a parent. Like she didn't, she didn't see, she eventually did. 02:27:47,040 --> 02:27:49,280 See the wall to wall stacks of videos. My mom always knew what was going on. And she and I would made her.

I made her to think that she was crazy. I was like, she was like saying stuff. And I was like, she's fucking crazy. She's crazy. But my mom saw it. I'm very, I have a love hate thing with my mom. Like we're getting, when you get married, like my relationship with my mom got better.

She was really there for me during my wedding. And you know, now that I'm married and stuff and probably going to have kids and you know, you got to repair it. But I was like pretty broke it off from my mom. But we're very alike. And so we rub each other the wrong way. But she was like from the start.

She was like, I don't know where. Because I was very good at hiding it. But she was like something's up with him. And when they finally found the syringe 10 years later, she was crying like, I am not crazy. That makes me feel bad. But so I got bored with porn. So I'm like coked out, wandering the halls

of Larry Flint publications. And I go, dude, this shit's fucking boring. I've seen every pussy fuck this. And then some guy goes, oh, dude, you got to talk to this guy, Jim Powers. He's like, you've never, you know, do you do Bukaki? Because you would, you're like, he's like, do you do it? Yeah, like you down with Bukaki.

And I'm like, what's that? And because you would just go and open up suites. And there'd be a girl in like bondage. And you're just walking around. Oh, really? Like just there in the building? In the building. It was, it was discreet.

But like we had the free pass of the place because we were a big brother. And especially when Jackass came on, that was just like, we could do whatever we wanted over there. And so, so, so some guy goes, oh, you got to meet Jim Powers. And then I go, OK, well, what's Bukaki? And he goes, well, it's when like 50 to 80 guys jerk off on a girl's face.

We don't have one this week, but we actually have a reverse Bukaki if you want to go out in the valley, out in Sun Valley. Reverse? It's when like 50 or 60 girls squirt on a guy's face. We've talked about this. It exists. Yeah, Ben.

I invented it. Wow. I went. So, OK, so, so I quit big brother. My mom goes, wait, that day? As soon as they tell you, you're like, I quit. Around that time, around that time. So I'm getting my timelines a little crazy,

but around that time I quit. And so my mom goes, it would mean a lot to me. Like if you just got a normal job, why don't you get your real estate license? So I got my real estate license and I started doing industrial real estate. I made these porn contacts. And I don't think I called the guy

to actually go to a Bukaki until I had left big brother. So now I'm doing industrial real estate. And I'm sorry, have you met the gym guy? Yeah, I already met him. You met him in the building? In the building. Because you're just meeting all these people and you're getting, it's like the commie store.

You're getting numbers. And you're like, hey. Seeing you guys around for a year, but we're just meeting now. So I was like, hey, what's up? I want to come to this Bukaki. You know, so I think like six months later, I get my real estate license.

And I'm selling industrial real estate. I'll take him to the store. So hey, what's up? I know Dave Carney and Jeff Tremaine, all these guys. Those big brother guys I want to come. So he goes, come to this reverse Bukaki. So I went and I'm in a suit and tie because I'm selling.

You're actually coming from like working work. And so I made my own schedule, but I had to wear a suit and tie, but it was industrial real estate. So I was selling like warehouses and factories. That got very strange. But I go to this reverse Bukaki. I was like, this is fucking wild.

Oh my God. And these girls are like, yeah. I'm just fucking squirting on this guy. And he's just like, yeah. He's just beat off like, give me more. It was just, there's dark. It was very demonic energy. Yeah.

It was demonic energy. Well, it sounds like fun. Because at the time, it sounds fun in theory. And then when you see it, you're probably like, it's like a strip club. You know, you're like, let's go to a strip club. And then slowly I would get sad. Yeah.

Like, oh, that's somebody's daughter. That's somebody's daughter. It's only these men. It's okay. It's only these men. It's okay. Right? Am I rambling too fast?

No. Okay. I feel like I'm trying to pack all this in. So wait. So you see the, when you're at the reverse bukkake, the women are squirting in the guy's face. Yeah. Are you super turned on?

Are you like, I got to get out of here? Or is it just like a fun, crazy environment to be in? Fun, crazy environment and turned on. I'm turned on mostly by just the craziness of things. You know, like I'm like, wow, this is happening. This is wild right now. Two of the girls are like, off in the corner, eating McDonald's.

You know what I mean? Waiting in line. Like that whole circus gets me off. You know what I mean? The circus is just like, that's king. I could see that because it's like, it's like, it's not like on my list, if you're like, what turns you on the most, I wouldn't be like,

probably like a squirting festival. Yeah. But I could see how being at it, you're like, this is some wild shit. There's, there's like four girls going like, and then there's two girls having a heart to heart over here. A girl eating an egg McMuffin over here. A guy smoking a cigarette, talking about his favorite movie.

It's like the whole boogie night's deal, you know? So this is in this, like this general area. So it's like the, it's like the deal, you know? But you like, when, when it's over, or do you, do you stay till the end? I, I, I was, I stayed a lot. So that one, I was like, whoa. And I was just like, I had carte blanche because this guy was like,

you know, you know the, the big brother guys. And so that was cool. And he, Jim Powers kind of like skater punk rock director guy. So he was like, let me just fucking hang there. So I went home and my parents had gotten a divorce. By that time I'm living at my dad's in Sunland and I'm doing a real estate. I'm doing commercial real estate.

So I, um, I started shooting heroin during that time. Damn. And can I ask you to take a step back? Yeah. Yeah, I have questions. But do you tell anybody, um, anybody like what you went to? Or is that like just for you? Yeah.

What I went to, the reverse, the reverse gang, the reverse spook hockey. Do you tell your brother? Do you tell any friend? Oh dude. Yeah. Like I was, my, my problem is I'm too open and out and like, like my, so I have a call me manager,

Mike, shout out to Mike Griffin and make good content. I love him. Him and Paul Young are my management. And he was like, oh dude, you're going on the fucking podcast. That's really good for you. Like what story are you going to tell? And I'm like, I'm like, because I'm pitching a TV show right now. And I'm like trying to, oh, this is great for ABC.

They make a lot. So he goes, he goes, and I was like nervous a little bit. He goes, so what story are you going to tell the Mexican fight? Cause I used to fight on Mexican talk shows, all coped out in a karate suit. And he goes, you can tell that story. I go, oh, well they kind of want me to tell the Bukaki story. He's like, oh.

How many people listen to their podcast? I'm like a lot. And he's like, all right. Okay. And he like knows he's not going to like stop me as an artist, but he's like, you know, we're pitching shows right now. And so it is what it is. It's going to be a TV show.

Oh, that's Stephen Randolph's Bukaki story. Very funny, you know. Exactly. Very funny. Very yummy. Sorry. So then you would jump to Harold. So how do you, how does one, because I've been around,

I've been around drugs too, obviously, but the decision to do heroin feels, it always felt very extreme to me. Like how do you eat? It always sounds outrageous to anybody who's never done it. You know what I mean? Like if you go like, It does.

Heroin, like how the fuck do you do that? Like you have to put a needle in your arm. Most people are averse to sticking needles in their arms. It's, it's bloody and weird and dangerous. What's time number one? Okay, so, so, and this is why like I feel like to get to the Bukaki, it's a journey. Because this is a part of like this whole bigger story.

This is a very long story. So I'm trying to, I don't want to get caught off on these like tributaries, but they're all juicy and very interesting. Even to me now saying it, because I feel like a different person now. So like I'm talking about a person that doesn't even exist. I'm, I'm a normal guy now, somewhat, you know? But so I was selling, you know, selling real estate,

starting to hang out with these Bukakis. And also you're on the circuit now. I'm on the circuit. So you're regularly going? So that's another thing. So I would, I would go in a karate suit. I would do a lot of cocaine too. And I did jujitsu at the time.

And then I just quit, but I kept this karate. You could see it in this video. And I would do on my day, on my time off of selling real estate, you know, in Boogie Nights, those little Asian kids that were just like lighting fireworks and wearing the robes. Something came over me. I, I channeled that.

And so I'd wear a Bukaki. I mean, I would wear a karate gi and sunglasses. And I would just be snorting key bumps of coke. And I'd just be like living in this karate suit. So everything I did. On set? No, just or you mean like in my private time. And then when I would go out, I would wear it.

I can kind of imagine one of your like guys who's using, like you are his realtor for industrial real estate. And then he sees you somewhere. I know. You're like in a geed doing coke. And you're like, you go to the Bukaki. And he's just like, I'm gonna fucking buy from this guy. I know, I know.

Holy shit. I was terrified. I really was because I got, I got that job through family connections. So it would, it was, I was very, very weary of those two worlds crossing. Because it was very conservative real estate. These guys, I worked for very serious, very cool guys.

And it was, you know, it was serious business. You're getting someone 80,000 square feet. You know, it's not fucking around time. So I was, I was actually a very good realtor. It was very strange. I was on so much coke and heroin. I didn't care about saying no. I didn't, I didn't care about hearing no.

So I'm like, hey, you fucking buy that. Let's go. Let's go. I was just on it, on it. Yeah. You know, my, my area was the Burbank airport to the Van Nuys airport all industrial. So it was all Israelis, Armenians.

I mean, I got a schooling in sales 101. It was just like selling, selling rock quarries to an Israeli dude. Israelis, they sell everything. Tell me I didn't get a bachelor. And yeah, I'm just, I'm selling to these guys. And it's like, let's fucking buy it. Let's go.

You know, I was just, I love the, I love when we soundproofed this place. Yeah. We had like this Israeli guy coming. He gave us like a really good quote. Yeah. And then like when, when he would follow up with them, the quote would go up every time.

Oh, that's great. Every time. Yeah. Like even on like, on Friday, he's like, now it's going to be this much more than on Monday, be more. Yeah. I'd be like, what's going on?

And then the dove who is Israeli would be, he'd go like, they're pieces of shit, man. I told you, they're my tribe. Here's the thing with your tribe. I was immersed in it. I didn't want to do real estate. I wanted to always be a comedian. So it was almost like I didn't care.

So I was ballsy. It's like, if you, if someone doesn't want to do something, you're like, don't bring it. I'm bulletproof. And you're so much better at it actually sometimes when you don't give a shit. I didn't need anything. I didn't want anything.

I was like, fucking buy it, asshole. Like it's just my heroin money. I don't fuck. So like I learned the Israeli game. And once I learned the game, I started having fun within that world. Hilarious. I would light up cigarettes in their fucking office.

And they were just like, like, bold shit. I'd be like, nah, man, fuck you. You know, and they're like, well, yeah. Look at him. He loves it. Fire up a fucking butt. You can't smoke here. I'm like, let my friend, my friend stop.

You know, you just kind of stop them. Stop your nonsense. Stop, stop, stop. Come on. And they're cousins. Always had a building around the corner for half price. Yeah. And I would go, so you mean to tell me

you have cousins that know where real estate is off, half off? I have a lot of people with money. Let's form a partnership. Oh, you're right, Steve. I'm Keith. OK, OK. You caught me. You caught me.

You caught me. Kidding. Or like. It's always bullshitting. Always just bullshitting. My favorite about Nadab is that he's always like, I don't know, man. It's an Israeli guy.

I don't know if you want to talk. Yeah, of course. The Armenian property owners would go, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen. Don't bring me an Armenian. And I'd go, that's illegal. I can't not bring you an Armenian. And no, no, I don't want an Armenian.

I don't. Yeah, that's exactly. That is so funny. All races are like that. My mother is the same way that people that she, my mom is from Peru. People that she's most suspicious of are Latin people. Peruvians.

Well, just any Latin. Any, like, if there's a Latin guy, she's like, keep an eye on me. Totally. But I don't like my tribe either. Yeah. Ruskies, Hongos. I'm like, no, dude.

Not in my house. Because you grew up with their games. I know they're bullshitting. I grew up Italian. And I'm only a quarter Italian. But my grandma was 100%. I grew up on the Italian side. And when you go to a restaurant, my friend,

I just like, fuck off. I'm called Uncle Vinny. That game doesn't work. Because as soon as they turn the corner, like, you fucking fat dumb bitch, you fucking get the. Hey, welcome to my family. It's all bullshit, you know? Maybe everybody's bullshit.

Right now. You know what? Maybe. Right now, there are several hundred thousand people going, what is up with this bukkaki, dude? OK, OK. So you're doing it. So how does one do heroin?

How do you start heroin? What's the first time like? My friends started doing steroids that I was doing pills with. Lost the doctor connection. I don't want to get these guys in trouble, but there were some fake, fake businesses in Hollywood that sold Vicodin and steroids.

So we started going there. And also it's like, it's a cover business. Cover business, you know? And, you know, yeah, it's a cover. I don't want to say too much. It was a cover business. So then one time we ran out, the guy didn't have Vicodin. By this time you're throwing up, you're shaking.

You need, you need the shit. So I'm selling real estate, but you don't get that Vicodin. You're, I mean, it's like you're seizureing. It's the scariest thing. And how many are you taking a day at that point? As many as like 20 to 30 to 50 sometimes. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Big ones. No, because I took Vicodin when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. And if I took more than three in a day, I would feel nauseous and ill and shake you. Then it's not for you. Interesting. You don't have the taste. It either does, people either go, oh man,

this makes me tired and dizzy or, oh my God, I don't have any insecurities anymore. I see. So you feel better. You don't have the taste. You're like, this is a jam. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't have that. So you're on like 20 a day, which is a hard habit to keep. You're already, you're addicted at this point. There's no way. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like fucking addicted and needing this. So then I start working at a restaurant at night because I'm not making enough to in real estate.

Even though I was making a ton, I was spending so much money that I would, I was moonlighting at a restaurant. You know, between like, between 100 and 300 a day, every day. On drugs. Every day. On those pills. On pills. That's not on beer.

That's not on cigarettes. That's not on compulsive spending when you're on the shit. I needed that in order to go. So like you're doing that. So that's a couple grand a week. A week. A week. And it's not like, like, hey, I had a bad week financed.

Like, no, the disease is like, wake up, wake up. You know, so you have to like, you have to be on it. So we go there. They don't have the Viking in and the guy goes, look, I don't want to give this to you guys, but we have liquid Vicodin. It's injectable by needles. My friends, and that's the term he uses, liquid Vicodin.

Yeah. That sounds a lot softer. Yeah. Yeah. No, it wasn't liquid Vicodin. He goes, I don't want to put this on you. If you guys don't want to do this, the guy that sold the stuff. And my friend was, here's how it happened with me.

I was very scared of needles. Catholic schoolboy had a good upbringing, you know, and never thought it would happen to me. But you know, I'm hanging out doing pills. My friend's doing steroids. He has needles everywhere. So he's like this buff dude. And one time I took a blank needle and I go,

you know, I'm just high. Just like, damn, they were scary the first time I saw them. Second time was like, dude, why are these around? Third or fourth time, I'm like, my friend just has needles. They weren't, they became not a big deal. So I grabbed one that was new and I just, it was a diabetic needle and I just put it in. I was like, wow, that didn't hurt.

I was like, you didn't even feel it go in. I could do it to you. And if you weren't paying attention, it was just, it would just slid in. I was like, huh, that didn't hurt. So then when he said that, he was like, well, you just use these diabetic needles. I was like, well, they don't hurt.

They're about to hurt really bad right now. Right. So we got that stuff. I put it in. I was like, wow, this is, this is better. Okay. This is cool. So then he didn't have Vicodin the next time.

And then my friend was- But he had liquid Vicodin. He had liquid Vicodin, but it was very expensive. Because he is really, too. Is he doing the body, body, isn't it? Liquid. I'm sorry to say he was. He was.

He just nods. He's like, yeah. Yeah, he was a doctor. No. And so then we can't, we can't get the liquid. The liquid was too expensive. And so my friend goes, let's just go to downtown LA. I bet you we can get hair.

And we're already injecting. So this was within like two or three days. And so we just, I'm in a suit and tie. And we go down to downtown LA. So now there's gourmet coffee. There's gelato places. 10th, 2006, it was not, it was not like this down there. So it was like a war zone.

But I was in a suit and tie. And my friend was like in a Raiders jersey with tattoos all buff. And they were like, they thought we were under covers. And so my friend had to go get it. And he, you know, if you're a white boy down there, they're just like, how many, what do you need? So he was able to get them. And we brought it home and I was like, I don't,

I just repeated what I saw in Pulp Fiction. I was just like, okay, you put that in there. You must mix it with water, light it up, and it makes this solution. And then we didn't even know what we were doing. And like, I'll never forget this. One of my best friends of the world. He just came on my podcast and talked about it

because he's, he's newly sober now. So he's been out the whole time. And now he's like six months sober. So that was, you know, he kept going. Wow. And, and I'll never forget, it was at the time of Tiger Woods Golf. And so he went to go, we were playing video games

before we went to get it. And then he came and like shot up like hardcore and then just started playing video games. And I go, Hey man, how is it? And he just looked over at me with his hat backwards. He goes, Oh, it's the shit. And then I was just like, this is a bad idea. Like, what are we doing?

And then I went and did it. And my first thought was like, why would I ever drink a beer? Like, what am I wasting my time for? Like, I can't believe I, my first thought was like, I can't believe I swallowed drugs or smoked them or hung out in bars. This is the way to go.

What am I doing? It's, it's felt like you took the Concorde to like Paris rather than a Greyhound. You know, I was like, what am I wasting my time? Sounds like a pretty good sales pitch to give it a shot. I know. If you're out there, I recommend it. It, it, it was for in my life.

Cause that always gets me in the, when the movies. No, I just was like happy. And I just like, I just, You didn't vomit. I heard it, doesn't it like, thank you. And you didn't pass out. No, I just, my body just love, because I'd already built up that taller.

So I was like, boom. And so, so then, so then now I'm, So would you be, can I ask, would you be, cause heroin's always portrayed as like nodding off, which I mean, it does happen to people, right? Passing out. Yeah. People look like, at this point, you do heroin.

Does it make you social? Are you social on heroin? I'm a social butterfly in heroin and I got fat on heroin. And I, cause I was like, you know, this is hardly John Belushi. Like I was, I was that, and you could see in this video, I was that variety. I would just like, I just wanted pleasure.

So I would shoot up and be like, I would do a line of coke and be like, let's eat pizza. Like I was just a, like a Chris Farley guy. I just wanted more. And I still am like that. I just have to watch it now. But so then, so then I, I'm doing real estate and I have, I had a pouch of always army of cocaine.

So I would shoot up and if I got to, I would go to do, to go sell a building. So I'd be like an 80,000 square foot building. You're selling a church. You're selling a factory in Van Nuys. That's empty, right? So like a Ralph's market, that's empty. I'm in there and my clients come in at 20 minutes

and I would shoot up. I was like, holy, I would fall over and be like, Oh boy. You know, and then, but then I want to have my coke. And I'd be like, uh, and I would do a bump. It'd be like, here we go. And you know, how does your body handle?

Did you, I mean, I'm very lucky. I was with a prostitute one night and she saw what I was doing and she was like, I don't not, I can't, you're going to die in my presence and laugh. Not here. I was like, I don't know. Well, not because heroin's a downer and then coke.

That's how, that's how everybody goes out. Yeah. So I'm very, very, very lucky. Your heart can't even probably take that. Very, very, very lucky. I'm supposed to be here. You must have great genetics. You're also lucky you have coke because the coke would bring you up

out of those slumps and to sell more. So what are we looking at here? Okay. So, so this is perfect timing actually. Are we okay on time? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So, okay. I'm getting excited. So now I'm shooting heroin, doing coke, selling, selling real estate. Secretly, you guys, I wanted to do comedy. There's only a few things I care about on this planet. When I start, when I watched Mr. Show for the first time in 1994, I was like suicidal when I was a kid

and I never don't share that a lot. I was like, okay, there's people doing this. Yeah. I could, I'm going to live. There's some, there's something here for me. Yeah. Watching Mr. Show, watching early, my parents didn't have a good relationship.

Watching early SNL with them, our whole family laughing. That meant so much to me that that was like, that's better than heroin. The only thing better than heroin is comedy and love. You know, but like, but watching Mr. Show is like, oh my God. So I always wanted to do it. This is a whole, I talked about this on the Crab Feast.

This is a whole other story. I had, I had secretly had breasts that developed through Peering. Oh, yes. Yes. I heard about this. Now, just to, just to understand this. So the audience is not going to see what we're going to see.

Right. Okay. And the reason. This is a long video. Okay. But we'll just kind of. Yeah. So is this you?

This is me. That's you right there. In 2006. You're wearing your karate gear? 02:47:34,080 --> 02:47:35,280 We can show that. Okay. Yeah.

So, okay. So I'm always, so I'm sure. But they're, they're rolled up too, which is funny. Just straight. Heroine fashion. It's just strange. It makes you wear a stranger. So I'm looking at a heroine guy right now.

Oh yeah. I just took a hit. I just took a shot in my car. So now I'm selling real estate. I'm shooting up doing Coke. And then at night I'm going to these Bukakis and not participating, but I'm hanging out. The, the third time I went, I said,

can I bring a camera crew with me? I stalked Bob Odenkirk. You guys know who that is? Yes. Of course. Okay. So through real estate title information, I found out where he lived and I sent him a letter and I said,

hey, I need to be in comedy more than anything. I'm not doing it. I'm at a real estate agency and his office called me. And they go, Mr. Odenkirk wants to talk to you. And I'm like, oh my God, for Mr. Shows, right around this time. Okay. And he goes, hey, it's Bob Odenkirk. I go, hey, he goes, what the fuck are you doing sending?

Who are you? And I was like, oh my God, that's my idol. I just ruined, I just ruined it. You know, he's like, you don't send stuff to people's house. I have a wife and kid. Because I use like title information to get it, get his stuff. And then he goes, what do you want from me?

And I go, dude, I just want to have a lunch with you. And so he goes, meet me at lunch. And so he took me out for lunch. We ended up hitting it off, but I was on heroin. So I couldn't like, I just couldn't get it together. And he was like, I like you. You know, he was like, you need to go to UCBO. I was like, what's that?

He was like, he was like, you know, make videos with your friends. Do this kind of stuff. So I thought, okay, I'm going to make a video of a bukkake. And that means I'm a comedian. He even, the story is just, first of all, how cool is Bob Odenkirk? He was the nicest guy to meet with you.

If someone sends a fucking letter to our house and it's happened, my first thing to Tom, I call him and I go, we're fucking moving next week. Some psycho sent us a letter. They know where the kids are. You know what I mean? That's the craze. That's such a violate.

That would be the craziest part if you hadn't decided that this was the video you were going to make. So in this, I shut down at night at UCB because of this video. So I make this video. He goes, do you know what UCB? This is like 2006. I was like, wait a minute.

You shut that. People were crying. Because he's so, I showed it to 200 people. They're throwing milk at, they're throwing shit at me. You fucking piece of shit. Matt Bessert threw milk at me. And you don't know what's going on? And I'm just like, dude, can I just be like, I was like, bring it.

Like, because I was obsessed with Gigi Allen. Who went, Matt, I met him when I was 12. I met him when I was 12 by accident in downtown. Did you know, but did you have any idea that the reception would be that? No, you were like, oh, everyone will be like, this is great. So Bob Odukirk, what I took from that is Bob Odukirk goes, you make videos, you go to UCB,

and you're a star, kid. That's what junkies do you hear. That's what you hear. Yeah, so Bob Odukirk's telling me this. All right, so I go with the crew. I say, hey, can I bring a crew to Bukaki? So I brought a camera crew with you. Yeah, that doesn't even look like you.

I know it's bad vibe, dude. Okay, so let's press play. Let's just see some stuff. This is set to Madonna. I showed this. These are all the guys going to. Yes. You're saying Arigato.

It's set to Madonna's justify your love. Okay, and these guys are all going to jerk off. It's a very well done video before the internet got big. 2006, Casey Maloney, my friend, created this. And everyone's just waiting their turn, or waiting for the thing to start. It's a community. Right.

Watch how every half of them are homeless. Really? Yeah. You just have to have an AIDS test. Yeah. See how like bad vibe in my eyes, I don't like. Homeless. Dude, you don't look anything like yourself.

No, you look a lot better now. It's crazy how much better you look now. How many, how long ago is this? 2006. Do you realize that, so 13 years later, you look better. Yeah. Then you did. That's crazy.

Heroine preserves you. Every looks 10 years younger that does heroine. Wow. Once they get sober. So here, are you like Riffin? I'm hanging out Riffin. You can fast forward this a little bit. That's Jim Powers.

That's Jim. He had a Bukake hotline, so you'd call this hotline, and he was very funny. Hey, Bukake boys, we're going to be at the Van Nuys Airport. We're going to meet there. Then we're going to shuttle over to the Tarmac, and we're going to go to this. It's always in a warehouse.

I went to one of that was in an abandoned slaughterhouse, and I was just like, I'm tampering with something outside. Yeah. Okay. So is he. He's talking to me, having fun, explaining what's going to go on. There's a music bed the whole time?

Yeah, it's Madonna. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you're talking. Yeah. It's funny because I can't even... It's weird that it doesn't register that that's you still.

I'm looking at it. Wait, how old are you now? I'm sorry. I'm trying to make... I'll be 39 July 8th. Okay. You look amazing. Thank you.

You look like you're 20 now. It's heroine. I swear to God. Heroine's good for you. It preserves you. It preserves you. I should start. It has a preserving quality.

What's going on here in conversation? We're just talking. He's like, oh, great. And we're explaining what Bukaki is. And this is the guy. He had a Bukaki hotline. Can I have volume for a second? Or is it like loud?

Back home for the baby. Yeah, it's pretty like backwards. Yeah, the baby. Okay, so you're like it's protein. Obviously, you're talking about the... Yeah, he's funny. He's a funny guy. And you're like a Bukaki enthusiast at this point.

So I'm just hanging out there, which is creepier, I think, than participating. I'm just like... So I'm selling real estate that day during the day, doing coke and heroin at night, hanging out at Bukakis in a karate suit. You're just kind of hanging. You know, like boogie night show.

Like, I'm the guy just hanging there. But it's sick. It's soul sickness. It's spiritual sickness is what it is. Okay, so... Is this all displayed at UCB? So, okay. So then, Matt...

So it was before... It was like ground level UCB, 2006. Matt Bessler was doing shows. There's 10 people there. So they had an illegal and fucked up video night there. And I said, I'd like to show my video. Perfect night, yeah. And it was great.

There's 200 people there. However, the original UCB on Franklin Holds was packed and great sound system. And I play this whole video. So like... But at this point, everyone's still like, this is fine? Yeah, it's funny.

Oh, here's Gigi right here. Yeah, I love Gigi on. Yeah, we're huge fans. Okay, so at this point though, people are just like, this is a funny video. Yeah, funny. Okay. Now...

A lot of hipsters. It's kind of like, not like... They don't know actually what's about to happen, right? I remember doing those shows. They're horrible. Look at the line above the guys over there. Oh, babe. These are the guys they're gonna drizzle in their face.

And then the editing's really good, but you know, I don't want to ruin it because of the music is licensed, but you know... And she is. It's very well edited. Yeah. She's pretty. She's pretty.

She looks like Paris Hilton. I'd participate. Yeah. So then everybody starts like, you know, and I'm talking... I'm interviewing them. I bet you at UCB, there's still people that are like... Oh, this is still funny.

This is still funny. But they think that you're gonna be a joke video. Like this is gonna be a punchline. Yeah, yeah. And then this is all the guys. Yeah. We're having fun. Hi, babe.

How much did she get paid for this? I don't know. This is the last tier of porn. This is kind of on your way out of the biz. I thought it's your way in. Like your first... No, this is... You can do this.

You can do anything. And are all they allowed to do is jizz on her? There's no like... I think they could... They let them kind of screw around. Okay. Yeah. You mean screw around like touch her?

Yeah. If you... Yeah. Is this where the laughs start to go down? Yeah. Oh, right here. We're still getting some nervous laughs. And there's still a couple.

Yeah. Oh, boy. So if you look like a lot of these guys are homeless, there's a guy in a Nixon thing. There's like different characters. Weird shit going on. Wearing masks. The guy with the men at work, 1983 thing, he always...

Okay. And so this is the last... Does he let you show at the combination show? This is the end of the laughs. Yes. No more laughs. Yeah. And I'm sitting there in the audience like laughing myself.

Like, like... Yeah. He's putting onto... Always a Trader Joe's bag is always... Wherever there's creeps, there's always a Trader Joe's bag. He like had his lotion in the Trader Joe's bag with some snacks, you know? Yeah.

So this guy always comes first and I interview him. He always comes first? Yeah. He shows us the number one ticket. Oh. Oh, you get a ticket? Yeah. Is this going to ruin my career?

No. No. Okay. Wait, why is he... Why is he always the first? He just wants to be... Oh, he wins. He just does it.

He just does it. Yeah. And Jim's like, we got to get men at work. Yeah. The number one... He's like, what are you working with? And he shows me and I'm, you know... Well, it's pretty...

Yeah, it's not bad. Party piece of equipment. I was like, that's a nice cock, bro. So he says I'm going to jerk the fastest. Oh. Yeah. Okay. He's ready.

He wants to go. And this is... I can't believe you're showing us a comedy show. Okay. So I'm showing you that UCB. People are like... This is... So now...

They're so tight there. They're like, what? Crazy. Boo. So now I'm interviewing people. This is like going to a bar mitzvah and just showing like Auschwitz footage or something. Especially at UCB.

At the comedy store, they'd be like, yeah, it's funny. It'd be fucking weird out, you know. For those who don't know, UCB is more alternative. I mean, back then it leaned more to the left. I mean, like... Yeah. Still does, yeah.

You could do like... Yeah, you're right. It still does. Like, you could do like Stephen Hawking jokes and people would think that was very clever and funny. Well, I just think it's funny because they probably themselves, I'm being edgy. Is this when the booze are starting?

So, oh, but do people... So there's like an intern there weeping that her parents were there. This is my... And you're like this bumping. Yeah. So it's very funny if you watch this privately. Like the Madonna's playing.

And I'm saying funny thing. I'm all jacked up and I'm like, hey, bro, what are you working with? Hey, what do you think about the war in Iraq? And I'm talking to them. And I'm very involved. It's very funny dialogue. You know, it's actually quite a funny bit.

So I don't think it's not funny. This one everywhere on the internet for a while. And no, the funniest part is that you're like, hey, UCB. Yeah, I thought... And I genuinely thought it was called fucked up in illegal videos. Yeah. Yeah.

I found my people. Sounds fair. You're right. The comedy store would have been another. Oh, this is my favorite part. Watch this. Keep watching. Ouch.

Keep watching. Ouch, he's very rough. Watch, keep watching. What is happening? Great editing. Is that how you do it? You rub down? Yeah.

And he's kind of his little leg kicked out. Look at him. Watch him look at me. That moment. Was he special needs or anything? No, you're just on meth, probably. Oh, because he's really grinding down. Is that how you do it?

Yeah. That's not how I do it. And I also feel like he's nowhere near ready. No, no, no, no, no. And he was being in his head on the wall. And I asked a porn girl at another one that I went to. I only went to one more after this before it went. I went with my wife.

And I go, do you get creeped out by any of this? She's like, no. And he was there. She goes, he makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Yeah, because all the other ones, I'm like, OK. He's banging his head on the wall a lot of times.

I have this funny moment with this Chinese, or this Filipino. Everyone else seems lovely. So for people listening, though, because they're not seeing this, the beautiful girl is on her knees with a bowl, a glass bowl in front of her face. The bowl.

And there's just a bunch of naked, half naked dudes stroking their dicks all around her. Yeah, just working class, guys. And you're like entry-level UCV video. Well, yeah. What's new? I showed it in his entirety, in surround sound, with the way on the big screen.

But everyone still has their shoes and socks off. Yeah. On. Sorry. They're all wearing their shoes. They're pros. Christina, you couldn't see it before, but there's Dr. Pepper and Pizza provided at everyone.

And there's like, there's camaraderie. Everyone's having fun. But that's probably a smart move to wear your shoes and socks at one of these events. It seems like it. A lot of shades on. Looks like. Oh, boy.

Oh, there is that guy. Is he toying with his nipple? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He bangs his head on the wall sometimes. Oh, there's Clinton. My friend, Casey, really nailed this edit. Yeah, he did a good job. It was like, he was on heroin editing this.

So these guys are mostly homeless. Is that Potter? Who's that? On the right there? Clinton. Oh, right. I wonder if Josh would do it. Yes.

What if this is the only thing that can make Josh? Josh would do this for. You get 100 bucks. Yeah, he gets 100 bucks. Yeah, yeah. And look at you. Look at you. Oh, okay.

This is my favorite moment. Oh, God. That guy looks limp. They just let me do whatever I wanted. Stephen just laid on the couch next to this guy jerking off. It's like good vibe, though. Yeah, he laughed. He at least laughed.

Now, where's he going to blow it? Because he's getting ready, right? He's going to do it on a shirt. It kind of sucks. Can I ask you something about that? It kind of sucks that like they you got to get you got to get ready just like sitting on the couch. Yeah, they don't have any fluffers.

Nothing. You're kind of on your own. So by the time you walk over to her, you've got to be ready. Yeah, so if she's done right now. Yeah, exactly. She's done when you're following. She's done and I'm talking. She calls me a sick fuck in this part.

I think the video, the sound. I was like, hey, can I come in the shower with you? I was like single at the time. Yeah. And I was like hugging her and she's like, you're a fucking sicko, dude. Like, because I was hugging her with all the calm right here. Poor girl.

That's a rough day at work. Oh, don't hug her. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. Yeah. So then my friend, my friend. Dude, I cannot believe you hugged her. I wouldn't do that now.

Wait, you're feeling bad for him. What about her? I feel bad for her. Everybody in this video was sick. She's fine. Could you imagine 80 different homeless guys jizz on your face and stuff in a bowl? Okay.

Poor girl. Does this end here or not? This ends. We do a fake, we do a fake, when someone dies, what do you call it? A fake memoriam. To the guy that announced himself, if you could hear the video,

hey, I'm Mickey Rock, you know? And we said that, okay, so we did this whole thing and we said that this one guy died, right? I made up this fake story. They let this play till the end? They were locked in. They didn't want to see him uncool. So they couldn't, once it was, they couldn't be like,

they were coming out showing Gigi Allen shitting on something for their start, right? So they, okay. Now it kind of changed it. So why is yours so crazy if that was, I don't know. Look, Gigi Allen, for those of you who don't know, was a punk singer in the early 90s. He died in the early 90s.

And this guy would like peel banana, shove him up his butt in front of people. Knock his teeth out with a mic. Yeah. And shit a lot. Shit on stage. Shit on stage. In front of audiences, people paid money to go see that.

So for them to be like, Gigi's fine, but that's hard. That's what didn't fit right with me. And that's why as an artist, I was like, I'm doing the right thing because you're having a fucked up illegal video night. Here we go. This is it. This meets the criterion.

It seems like, I'm picturing regular UCB shows in the context of that. This seems outrageous. But if they're showing Gigi Allen videos. Yeah, it was strange. They were like, guys were doing borderline stuff, but this was pretty hardcore. If you guys have never seen, by the way,

the documentary hated so good. And Todd Phillips made it, who of course did the Hangover movies, the new Joker movies coming out. Just brilliant guy. It's a great movie. Yeah, it's great. Great documentary, yeah. I met him in 92, Gigi Allen.

I ran into him with the guy who edited this video, ironically. We saw him as a kid, but that's yeah. That's amazing. I ran into him. I was like, whoa, like a week or two before he died. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was a cool, one of my cool sightings. Isn't there a shot of Sarah in that?

Yeah, Sarah, my friend Sarah Burns was at that show that's at the end of his last show. Yeah, that's so cool. Following him around the streets and stuff. That's so fun. Yeah, that's so fun. So then the lights go on at UCB, right? And everybody starts booing.

And they go, they go, Matt Besser goes, do you want to have Steven Randolph, the guy who made this video, come on the panel. So Horatio Sands was up there with, I think, that guy, Jerry Minor from Mr. Show, who was a fan of Jerry Minor. I was like, OK. And they're up there.

And I'm sitting among them. And I'm just a dude who's doing real estate, he's just doing weird shit like this. And they go, Steven, do you hate women? And I go, I go, yeah, I go, no. I don't. I hate myself. No.

And then people started throwing stuff and booing me. And I was like, oh, I was like, fuck you guys. I was like, what are you talking about? I was like, Gigi hit women. And you showed him. Like, what's the deal? And everybody started, and this girl stood up breaking down crying.

She was their intern. I brought my parents to this. I brought my, you brought your parents to fucked up in illegal videos. So this was like this whole thing. And then I looked on their website the next night. This video, this night was canceled because of it. They didn't have fucked up.

And I felt good. I was like, yeah, yeah. Jesus. Yeah, Gigi was doing all kind. He was hitting. All right, let's jump ahead to something though. So you're doing all this shit. Tell me about taking Chelsea.

OK. You take her to one of these. OK, so now we have, I get sober, years go on. That's 2006. We're talking 2015, 16. I have a podcast with Sam and Chelsea. So I'm obviously telling these. And you're totally sober now.

Yeah, totally sober. Telling these same stories. And Chelsea thought they were funny and blah, blah, blah. And I'm talking a big game when I'm her friend. I'm secretly in love with her. I end up dating her. I end up, we end up hooking up one night after potluck. And we're like, hey, I was like, hey, I really want to date you.

And she was like, OK, I want to date you too. And then she was like, wouldn't that be fun? What should we do for our first date? Because we put a lot of crazy stuff online. And she was like, what if it was out of bukkake? Had a bad feeling in my stomach. Because now this is, I haven't talked to these guys in fucking a decade.

I don't even know if it, I hope it's not still going on. And I'm definitely like, I'm helping people in sobriety. I have a nephew to nieces. Like I'm like a different person. But I've talked this big game. And here's my dream woman. It's like, dude, wouldn't that be funny if we went to bukkake for our first date?

And I had a bad, I was like, hmm, this is going to be bad. And I was like, yeah, that'd be funny if Jim Powers is still doing it. So I had his fucking number. You know, you change cell phones in the context. Must have changed over. And I texted Jim Powers. Hey, you still doing bukkake?

And he texted me a flyer for one that was coming up that week. Oh boy. And I was like, he was like, just texted me a flyer. And I was like for like bukkake 58 or whatever it was. And I was like, bad feeling. And I showed Chelsea and she's like, oh my god, this is going to be so awesome. And it was out here in the valley.

He's like, okay, this fucking rad. So as the time's going on, I'm like, bro, the girl of my dreams, 50 dudes jerking off and me. There's no, I don't have anything to hold on to. There's nothing. So I go pick her up and she's in fishnet stockings, dressed like a fucking hoe, super hot. She's like, you know, she used to be a stripper.

She's cool. Like she's fucking, she's like. She knows what's up. Yeah, she's worked in the commie store. Yeah, she's tough. Yeah, she's tough. But like, I have, I talk about it a little bit on stage. It still hurts for me to talk about it.

But I say, you know, the only thing more crazy, taking your new girlfriend to a bukkake is when you realize your girlfriend isn't afraid of bukkake. And it's like, she, so we get there and we go to like, walk into that waiting room. Now this waiting room is even bigger. They're, and I have pictures on my phone. I could show you guys later.

So they're, so we go into this waiting room and there's like 30 guys waiting and they think, so the girl 100% they think she's the girl because the girl that they're coming on is, is taking promo shots in the warehouse. The girl, the world, the front off. Yeah. So she's taking the promo shot, the pre come promo shots.

And so I walk in with Chelsea and they're like, fuck yeah. She's hot. I'm like, no, this is my girlfriend. And this was like the first week of us dating. And she was like, she goes, show me your cocks. And, and they all said that Chelsea Skidmore said that. Yeah. You could have her on and she could tell you her side.

I think I love her. Yeah. She's very, I mean, I married her. She's the coolest, you know, too cool. And so they all start whipping out their dicks and I'm pushing these guys and get the fuck away. And they're like, dude, like you're, you're the weird. You know, I'm the guy at the bukkake

that doesn't want a bukkake. You know, like Chelsea's into it. These guys are into it. I'm like, I'm in the wrong, but I'm like fighting a fucking hopeless fight. And so I'm like pushing these guys really pushing them back. Yeah. I'm like, get the fuck out of here

because they're whipping their dicks out. I'm like, I'm like holding her at bay. You know, I'm like, okay, you know, whatever. So she's like, oh, let me see your cock. Your cock. And so I started to have a panic attack. I straight up paint like medical. Like I'm like, and I tell her, I need to get out of here.

I'm having a panic attack. But all the while for two years on a podcast, I'm telling the, and I'm, I didn't come in like I did on your podcast and be like, isn't this crazy? I was like fucking rep in it. But now here I am like not, dude, this is a real moment for me because I realized I'm not that guy anymore.

And I'm like, I am dead sober. I'm smelling all the smells. These guys are drinking Dr. Pepper, eating pizza. Fucking men, my girls fucking systematically be like, show me your cock, show me your cock. And they're like, well, they're like, let's see your tits. And she's like, can I show them my tits? And I'm like, huh, I'm cool.

Sure. And she like lifts up her shirt and they're all erupting. And I just, I went outside and I was like, God, what am I supposed to do right now? Like I'm a good guy. I'm sponsoring people on a 12-step program. Like I love this girl. This feels like you're back in the darkness.

Back. Back in the devil's like, you know, so I'm like fucking bummed out. I'm like, damn, dude, what does this happen? But I don't want to be uncool in front of her. And so we're in there. We're in there. And I'm like talking to her.

She's like, just be cool. Everything's fine. She's like, nah, dude, don't even trip. Like, we're, you know, we're cool. And so I was holding her and then Jim Powers was, boo cocky boys, let's go. And so he files everybody into the room and everybody starts jerking off on the girl.

And I'm holding my girlfriend who's now my wife. Like I'm holding her. And slowly but surely, everybody's popping. Everybody's popping. This girl's covering Tom. And she's like, oh, I'm going to hold her hair for like the last three guys. And I was like, OK.

And so Chelsea's holding the girl's hair. What? Yeah. Crazy. Just being cool. I think we were trying to like out fucking cool each other. First week of dating. We both had talked a big game.

She used to be a stripper. I was a junkie. Like we're both trying to be cool. Now this was. She's on camera. Well, we didn't sign waiver. So we hope not. She's pitching a show too right now.

She holds the hair. So she holds the hair. And I'm like, now she's like doing this. And so then like there's a sound guy, right? Holding it up and slowly but surely everybody pops. And so now we're there with the girl covered in common to camera crews and a sound guy. And he goes, what's up fucking creep?

He goes, you're just going to sit there and fucking not jerk off on my wife? And I go, huh? And he goes, that's my wife. You're just going to sit here and watch? And he goes, and he goes, I go, oh man, no. I'm not. I just came to watch.

He's like, very disrespectful, dude. He's like, you got to jerk off on my fucking wife. What? And so I'm like, and like there's like two crews of cameras. And you know, now I'm actually sober working at the comedy store, like putting together a real effort. Like it's just like three years ago. Yeah.

Yeah. So yeah, it was three years ago. Yeah. So there's like two camera crews. And I'm like, I was like, what's going on? I don't want to not be cool, but I also have a boner. I'm like, she's grabbing my dick. I'm like the trauma of it all.

It's like, it's like that's so craziness. I'm still kind of horny, but I'm like, fuck dude, this isn't like what I want with my life. Right. And so the guy's like, dude, he got really pissed. He's like fucking pop on my wife. And I go, yeah, if my girl right here drops her knees and sucks my dick, I'll fucking do it.

Chelsea dropped her knees, pulled down my pants, and started sucking my dick. So there's that moment I think we all have in our different lives where I look up and there's two fucking camera crews. I'm in a warehouse like at that time, like eight years sober. You know what I mean? The woman of my dreams, I always, I loved her from the start.

You know, I'm now like dating her week one. She's sucking me off. And I'm like, so aren't you guys being filmed right now? Yeah. Yeah. But I didn't sign a waiver and I don't think I ended. I didn't sign a waiver. Yeah.

So they then you get close to coming. I can't. She says I came very fast. So I think I just with the whole trauma of it all just got me off. And so I came, I walk over, I come on her on the lady's face and everybody goes boo cocky. So all the remaining crew were like, yeah,

because there's a new guy coming into the family. Right. And they're like boo cocky, boo cocky. And I'm like, oh my God, oh my God. And I felt a part of my soul just leave my body. And so they go pouring handshake and they're all giving me elbows. You're one of us now, one of us now.

And then they're like, oh dude, like you're so, that's so fucking cool. So I go, hey Chelsea, I got to go. And I walk out and she walks out behind me and I break down hysterically sobbing. I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore. I love you. I don't want to fucking boo cocky.

I want a real relationship. But this is not who I am. And she, this is the only part that we, she says she didn't cry. She broke down hysterically crying. And she says, I never cried. She cried. And we both held each other crying.

And that was it. That was the last time. And I was like, dude, I only want to be with you. I don't like, you know, you have that like everybody has that thought like, could I fuck someone else? It's just like, I know for me now, like I had the pass. I did it and it did not make me happy. I only want her.

And so I came on her and then the next night I'm working at the comedy store. I'm working at the comedy store. And I'm sitting in the back with Adam Egett and all the people like leaning up against the wall and my phone starts fucking blowing up. And I'm like, well, you know, I'm not a fucking Instagram guy or a Twitter guy.

And I'm like, oh fuck, they had taken pictures and they're tweeting us. Welcome to the Bukaki family. The all the girl that was on it and a few of the male porn stars scouted throughout. Tagging me and I'm going, I'm like Adam. He's like, oh, that's not good. Well, fuck, you know, I'm like, fuck, block, block, delete.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, he's like, what did you do? I'm like, me and Chelsea did a Bukaki last night and that fucking I got involved in like they're tagging me. So I'm blocking, tagging, blocking, un-tagging. And you know, that's that's the Bukaki story. And then I'm assuming it kind of got out. Not really.

Well, so it kind of it kind of got out there. They were tweeting me, but then I just thought I just fucking I never responded to anybody and I just let it pass. Well, I'll tell you whether or not you're in that thing, they're going to find out now. Well, I just figured now it happened. Yeah, it did. It happened. I'm a good guy.

Yes. I'm a comedian. I just want to make people laugh, man. So if people can't don't want to work with me. First of all, I'll just tell you this. It is an amazing story. Thank you. I can tell that you are a completely different person.

And I feel like it's important to you that people know that. And I think people pick up on that. Awesome. Thank you. Thank you. I think you're a good guy. I appreciate that. You're a funny guy. Thank you.

And it is an outrageous fucking story. It's a crazy tale. Yes. Your whole life seems like. Yeah, there's a part of that. This is a whole dip. Like this is what I told them the crap fees because I went on for fucking hours in there.

But I started fighting in a Mexican Jerry Springer show during the same time it was a Mexican Jerry Springer show where they let you fight. So I would do cocaine and I started becoming like a little mini star on this show. Jose Luis Sensen. So I was like beating. They were having me back.

They're calling me karate kid. I was just fighting cholos. Like so then I got sober very quickly after that. You're a wild dude. Thank you. No, that was. That's I know. Well, I'll tell you what though.

I found that this generation of people because of social media, they don't really have a sense of shame and hiding stuff. Okay. The way that previous generations have had. I feel like. Yeah. I feel like there just isn't that sense of like, oh, I've done something horrible.

You know, because everyone has. Everyone has. Everyone's got a digital footprint. Yeah. Of some craziness. Yeah. Maybe not all of us have a Bukake footprint, but something. I don't know.

I've OD'd. That's crazy. I didn't know that really. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. Wait, you. I've never heard that. Yeah.

Yeah. I OD'd and you know, I was in a coma from it. Is that. Did you see the other side? No. No, I just. Yeah. I never asked that.

You never had a near death experience. I mean, that was. What is it? What is it? Do you remember being. I remember the last frame of alertness. Really? Yeah.

And then I remember waking up, but I don't remember anything in between. You didn't talk to God or anything. No. So there's nothing. I mean, nothing that I experienced. I just remember passing out. Wow. And then waking up strapped down to tables and stuff

so that I wouldn't rip tubes out, you know. Oh my God. Yeah. But I was also 19. That was a long time ago. But yeah. But I mean, you know, it's just one of those things where you're like, yeah, that was a crazy time.

Yeah, it was a crazy time. Yeah, I was taking pills and drinking GHB and drinking booze. Every time with GHB, I used to be a raver. Yeah. Every time, yeah. GHB. And I had one, you know, in retrospect, I had an incident that should have, twice, should have scared the fuck out of me, which was like, you know, when you alcohol black

out, you go, oh, I don't remember what happened. Yeah. I know I drank a lot. Dude, a GHB blackout is like, you didn't do things that you don't remember. You were actually out, like close to. Surgery. Close to death. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, you were like, you're fucking close to flatlining. And what's the fun? Like, do you. The fun is that you feel so good when that doesn't happen. So when you come close to passing out, you're just like super relaxed. Yes, it was very relaxed. We used to say, I think I said, we would call it like,

Permagram because you would just walk around like. Yeah, like smiling. Yeah. Yeah. And like, you would, you know, it would give you like false confidence. You walked up to a girl and be like that. And if she was like, oh, you'd be like, oh, and then you wouldn't care. You know, you just would feel good.

And then it's true that like, anything sexual would be 10 times enhanced. Really? What did you do in GHB? Just fuck a bunch of girls, go to Bukakis and shit. No, you know, I'm saying the sensations are heightened. Right? Right. Yeah, yeah.

But I mean, we would do it and go to parties. You know, and we would do like the bottle cap. A cap. I don't remember that as a cap. That right there. That's literally what we would put in there. And the difference between an OD and not is like one cap. Yeah.

What I did when I did was like 20 caps. Oh my God. It was pretty stupid. Yeah. But I didn't do it in caps. I took a swig from a junk. Oh my God. I remember being in my mouth and like, that's a rock.

And then I was like, oh my God. And I was like, oh, shit. Oh my God. And how long were you out for in a coma? In a coma, eight hours. That's a lot. Yeah. Yeah.

They had a prayer vigil at the, at the hospital. So people had lit candles and were like. It worked. I guess. Yeah. It worked. Man. That's amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. But that was my bukkake. Everybody's got their own bukkake. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody does. I have a bukkake.

I mean, I did, I did drop. My parents were crazy. Does that count? Yeah. I've done acid too much. Well, when I was goth and I. You were goth? Oh, so long, seven years from like 13 to 20, unfortunately.

And I ripped out my retainers and threw them across Irvine Meadows. We're on a different level. Yeah, I'm going to eat them. Hold on. Let me think of one. Ah, shit. No. But the point is that like, look, it's embarrassing to tell certain stories.

Yeah. But the thing is, it actually, it's almost like probably 12 stepy where it's like you tell a story. Someone else tells a story and you're like, everybody's got a career. I barfed on a dance floor. I barfed on a dance floor when I was 15. I drank two bottles of night train. What are you talking about?

What are you talking about? It was a, it was a hip hop. It was the hip hop room. I stole a pack of gum. It was crazy time. No, look, all right, we got to wrap up. But where can people see? Where can people find you?

People, people can find me on my, my social media on Instagram. Yes, sir. It's my name, S-T-E-V-E-N-R-A-N-D-O-L-P-H, the number two that's on Twitter and Instagram. Steven Randolph too. Steven Randolph too. And then I have a podcast called So Deep where I have some great guests. We go deep. Sometimes we do solo episodes.

Listen, very fun. Check it out, try it out. Come say what's up to me at the comedy store. For sure. Yes. They're all the time. I want to shout out my friend who edited that video. Yeah.

Is that cool? Yeah. Casey Maloney who edited that video. He is in a band. His band is Adult Karate. That video was very well done, even with the volume off. He's a great musician. There's a lot of electronic stuff, a lot of adult karate.

I'm so glad you came by, man. Thank you for coming. And thank you, Kevin Blatt. Yeah. Right. Thanks, guys. See ya. Cool guy club.

Cool guy rockin' roll. Cool guy's rockin' roll. Oh, you can piss on me. You can beat me. Try it out, man. You'll get a recent game. Like Latino guys. I like them best.

Blow me an out. Here's my address. Come on, 2395. We're at the house of the public. It's your C124th and first day of the East Harlem. 7189 CL9723. Cool guy's rockin' roll. Cool guy's rockin' roll.

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