Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 513-Anthony Jeselnik-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 21, 2019

Forget "Old Town Road" or Billie Ellish, we've discovered the hit of the summer! It's been a minute since the Mommies were in the YMH studios, Tom tells us of his travels the last two weeks, including meeting one of Christina's TikTok stars! Josh Potter has begun a new career on Cameo and we get some wild updates from the other staff members at studio jeans. Plus, the Mommies were looking at new homes and discovered a specific criticism of one of the houses. Anthony Jeselnik is one of the most popular and hilarious stand up comics of our day, his latest special "Fire In The Maternity Ward" is currently on Netflix and is becoming everyone's favorite. Tom and Anthony compare parents, Anthony tells us about how writing for late night wasn't what he expected, roasting Trump, and Christina and Tom compete to see which of their favorite clips make Anthony laugh: TikTok or Horrible Or Hilarious?

all right oh are we ready to party i think so is this it we got all the business out of the way got the business done oh mg you ready to dance so much to catch up on now it's been a minute man and staff updates our updates a lot a lot let's get into it here we go i once went to see a doctor we hit my mom she wanted to see an acupuncturist that she had heard of it turned out that this physician wanted to treat me as well he was an old taniation and he seemed harmless okay all right don't bring anyone loving for this so

Oh Right wait, what's the point of that guy's song trying to figure it out. Oh, okay Just that he saw an acupuncturist and the guy was Asian. Well, I don't know. Let's see those freaky Needles those freaky Needles Acupuncture no more, not acupuncture no more, not acupuncture no more You make sense now well, I do think he needs he's not doing this on the right platform this guy should be a solid tick tock

Because this is the beat that is the perfect platform. He's wasting his talent. Well, I like you know a bland room I Like the lack of being in tune I like the rambling stream of consciousness lyrics After my session with this doctor, I became sexually potent I also started to starter and couldn't even read well I became the king of the Clumsy and befriended wolves and door frames. What those freaky needles those freaky needle Everybody needs an outlet, you know, yeah, I do think someone should put music to this and make it good

Yeah, somebody could remember we did machines with it machines with Machines with that ended up being a really good jam. Got a gun got a gun Terminator gun This is just talent that needs a good producer because he's got the bones. He's got the lyrics. He just needs a producer Send your emails If you're out there your mom's podcast at gmail.com in the subject, please put acupuncture song Let us know if you can make those freaky needles a hit

I don't want acupuncture no more not acupuncture no more not acupuncture no more I don't want acupuncture no more not acupuncture no more not acupuncture no more If you're listening to this song Okay, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. No push No No, thank you It's been a while I've been on the road. I have I got for fucking two weeks. You've been on the road. I got sick as fuck

So if you were out and you saw me the last few weeks, thank you very much for coming out. First of all You met apes grace on the road. Well, there's less. Yeah, you're jumping way too far. I'm just excited. I'm so That first week which was um northeastern dates I did a show at foxwoods and wait foxwoods comedy club casino bar restaurant and Casino when you play the club there they go they said but we used to work the club they go We're working comics at foxwoods. Yeah, and then they call you hey, uh, you need to update On your website the name and you're like why it says comics at foxwood. Yeah, it needs to say comics At comics restaurant and bar at foxwoods casino

You're like wait what they literally I did comics COMIX and foxwoods they called my agent and they said christina needs to update the same thing to say Yeah, comics at foxwoods casino comedy club restaurant and bar and you're like why And why so they want that all in the in your website and they're like this way If somebody's going to the show they'll know they can get food and drinks This is because our business is primarily food and drink We don't give a fuck about the comedy. We basically just work at applebee's and you work at at a comedy club They do not and they're like and if you could if you could put the specials under your

Right by the date that'd be great. Well. Yeah, if you could write we have truffle fries There's truffle fries. There's some atlantic cod that we just got if you look if you can let them know I've lived basically that's what that was. Yeah, I mean I can't their food can't be that great It's a comedy club. I mean it could be fine wings No, most most comedy clubs are dog shit. Yeah, some of them have exceptional. Yeah exceptional some flappers and burbank I think their their menus exceptional. I'll say even in Schaumburg impromptu even the killer of the chicken dish The the killer clubs like acme. He has a real restaurant sticks Wendy at a comedy that she actually has but she has a real restaurant like a real you can go to

her South club and go upstairs to I think it's called Curtis. Yeah, you can just have dinner And it's legit. It's a legit restaurant. She doesn't call the comic. No, she doesn't go like look you're working You're working in october. No one knows they can eat there Literally what it's so fucking funny. It's comedy. It's comedy works and Sticks restaurant. Yeah, so Curtis restaurant comedy club. I finish I do I do the grand theater At comics at at foxwood. So now they don't make you know now they don't do that theater foxwood's no club or restaurant Now they they kind of leave you alone with that. So I just did the show. It was a fun show through the next morning

I wake up and I'm like, fuck, you know when you just you feel it Did you wake up in the casino where you had the fake rocks and then fake water? I um I kind of get I tell you I kind of get a little insulted when you do like the big room at the casino and they put you in just like a regular Room at the casino like a regular hotel room and you're like, you don't have a suite for your for your like performers and they're like, I mean we do And you're like

I mean, can I get it though? And they're like, are you booking it? And you're like, no, I mean you hired me and I brought a few thousand people here tonight Can I have the nice room and they're like, we'll see Or when they're like and you're like, um, what's to eat here? And they give you the the ticket to go eat with the employees. Oh, that's a great one And to see those they're like you can go to the kitchen and you're like, what can I eat at the restaurant with other people? No, no, no, you got to eat behind It's so unglamorous to work at casino. It really is. It's really fun. But I mean

Look, it was it was actually a really fun show. The place is Really nice. It's enormous. Foxwood's comedy club casino bar restaurant. Foxwood's casino is enormous. Foxwood's with two x's Um, no, are you sure? Yes. Are you really? Are you sure? I think it's f o x x words I don't think so. I don't think so. Look it up I think there's two x's in foxwoods. No, uh-huh. It's an it's an upper new york, right? Yeah, no, that's one x far two x's three x's No, wait, wait, but look look uh scroll like No, no go back that could have been you was that you on the look look look look look resort covers an area of nine million square feet

What? Yeah See the wikipedia nine million square feet. This is in mashantucket. Yeah, that's where I come that account. That's right I remember now It is such there's four towers of casinos. I know. It's just it's so enormous. This is the indian land, right? Uh, the correct term. Yeah, jesus Indigenous people. Sorry. Sorry Sorry I was watching your podcast

And I was having fun until you Disrespected the original people of this land Jesus I mean, you can't fucking say a thing anywhere Well, I'll tell you I uh, you can't see our producer highlighted our next topic apropos. Yeah, that's true But timing which is completely accurate and I'll get into that. So look I um

I got sick And you know when you get like you feel it coming on and you just start to like god damn it so We get on the bus and we go to Hampton Beach and I have two shows the next night So whenever you have two shows and you're starting to feel sick, you're like, this is evil because you're not you know You're not gonna rest. No, I know so it's like I start taking, you know Zinc and vitamin C's Fucking thing

It's all for you when you're mine Pound and they're like are you drinking water and you're like, I'm drinking a fucking gallon of water You know what? You should do lime water and honey. That'll fix you. Oh, really? And it's almost like have you thought about resting and you're like, yeah, no, I did but I have two shows right now so Then the next day we have Burlington, Vermont Awesome, but fucking did you go to the coat factory? Yes. It was great and I saw bernie. I was like free the burn so then

I uh, is that where he's from bernie saunders? The old jew that's not going to get elected because he's jewy America's so anti-semitic right nadoff not me. I like him, but there's no way america's going to vote for the big I don't know. I mean, I've never heard that him being jewish is the reason. Yeah, that's I think that's i think that's christina's original thought I've never heard that before Oh, I bet you ask most americans that they're going to vote for the no because he's a jew I bet you I bet you and she said Hillary because she's a woman right

Well, I mean obama barely got it barely got it, but he they called him a Barely got no the first time and then the birther said that he was a muslim No, there's definitely people who would be like no idiots for sure, but sorry continue your thought. Yeah. Yeah, so Anyway, uh for the jew. I like him. I'm very pro jew. You know that Yeah, you had it and I voted for obama twice Was your first boyfriend jewish? Yeah, two. I had two long-term jewish boys. I almost married it How do you say it jew

He counts that he can count in hebra. Did you know nadab speaks fluent? Yeah, of course. I didn't I didn't know that until She's been having me count in in hebrew The last couple episodes on wmma. Really? I'm really really impressed with that and then she laughs at it. It sounds terrible. Can you tell me just one two three disgusting? That sounds terrible. It's a beautiful sound It's rough sounding for sure. Yeah, half sounds at all. Yeah, it's disgusting, right? Um, that's what bernie sanders. All right, you fucking jews when he gets in the white house. He's gonna talk all kinds of hebert Here's the thing about the old jew

He's gonna sing the national anthem in hebrew. I hope he gets the budget right. I know they're good at that All right, that's right so I leave vermont go to toronto Oh, I love the t dot. I have two days off dude. I'm sleeping 12 hours at night and then taking three hour naps in the day and I'm thinking well if I do this for a couple days I'll I'll just I'll feel better better by wednesday, right? Well, then it's like tuesday wednesday. I wake up wednesday. I'm like I feel like shit and now I got to go to london

London, ontaria. Yeah, do the show not london come back to toronto next day two more shows. I start getting ivs I start getting uh, I have a doctor come and actually I go like because I can hear the you know In your lung. I'm like, you know, am I getting pneumonia? You could and you very well could on it because you're in a different city So I get I get a b12 shot. I get two ivs I get the b12 helps though, right? It does if in the at least like that day shortly thereafter you feel better Yeah, um, he gives me these meds. He gives me meds. He gives me nasal sprays. It gives me a but he can't give me meds Wait, it was a viral. No, it's a doctor. Well, he's you're right. It's a viral

So he's like you don't have an infection, but he gives me meds in case you go there Yes, but then he's giving me other shit. He's like you need to take this and So I start taking it but then it starts with toronto. It starts two shows toronto next morning plain fly To winnipeg two shows winnipeg Go to bed next day fly vancouver two so every day You don't feel like you can get better and I keep coughing and hawking shit up and I'm like god damn it So I finally get back

And I'm thinking like I'm uh, I'm scheduled to do a david spade show With burt and I go. Hey, just so you know, I just give him the heads up. I'm I'm sick And uh, I just want to you know, I haven't been improving this week and that's coming up in a few days And they're like, well, will you be better by then and I'm like, yeah, I don't know And they're like, well, you have to know I'm like, well, I don't know right now. That's why I'm calling you to give you the heads up to give you that Yeah, and they're like find another guest. Yeah, I go just in case and they're like, well, you have to decide Whether you'll be ready

Whether you'll not be sick on that day and I go well then just I think it's better to say no so that we don't get to that day and I go turns out. I am really sick Well, they should just have a guest on deck So now I can't and I just did spade show too. It's it's quite a day. You're spending your whole day doing it It's not like they they way. Oh, it's only a half hour tape. Yeah, that's the taping But you get called at 10 a.m. With the topics the producer. It's a fucking whole deal Well, the rest I'll tell you this the being sick was such a fucking bummer But those goddamn shows in canada were amazing because the canadian's the best my mother I fucking love

Canada and I love doing stand-up there. I can't wait to do it I gotta talk to agent jeans about this. Yeah agent jeans if you're listening why every show do tronto Man, every show was like the t-dots crazy. Can I is there a club in Windsor, ontario my birthplace that I could do? Um, I'm doing I'm doing a casino there. Maybe I could do maybe they'll give me a nice room I don't know And by the way, so the most exciting it's crazy, right? Oh, you brought 3 000 people here You're in 216 you're next to jim and and and jake and they're going to the show No next to the elevator like you like and the ice the ice machine so you can hear

All night and then you see people and they're like the fuck are you doing here? You're like, I'm doing the show What do you think? I know I went to I did this casino too in the middle of the country and the next morning I just went down to the casino. Yeah got my coffee and they're like, holy shit. Yeah I'm like, well, yeah, I'm the me and the guy in the wheelchair and the other Yeah, you're like the venue won't help me hide. So I'm here with you Basically, I mean, yeah, no, I don't want to see you but they're making me See, I'm a personality champ. I like to meet people and I actually like the fans by the way

I'm so happy to have this podcast because Literally every single person I meet apologizes for moving Like they all go like I know you don't want to do this Like I meet them on the street and they're like, oh, hey, like I know you don't want to say hi But can I say hi and I'm like, yeah, of course Yeah, no, and then when they meet me, they're like tom would never do this, huh? Yeah, and I go never make sure to tell him That's such bullshit. Now on the good news. I've become friends with a few of my tiktok friends

I've been DMing with um, 95 pigeons. Yeah, great work. Oh, that's the for people that know That's like put spit. I mean this cup was your mouth and the coffee was spit. Yeah, we've been uh, We're gonna have coffee when I come to New York um sweet kid And also apes grace came to visit you I facilitated that as well. Holy shit, and that's the do we have her work? Do you have her on deck? If not, no big Not yet. Give me a second. Well, and I also like to show

A 95 pit if we have that one, I don't know where that one is. Yeah, that one's right. Good one. He's got so good ones, too But apes grace we were DMing and you visited her Oh, is that her there she is. Let's play There here it is This is apes grace with an important question Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you? Well It's true That's the best she came to my show and win a peg. I know. Yeah, I'm telling the audience

I know I was just so excited. Look. Look. I I'm just excited that worlds are colliding and how was it to meet apes grace I mean, it was a thrill. You know, I uh, I was I couldn't believe it I was like and then I posted a picture of her and they went and the all the people were so they were like This is like inception shit Couldn't believe it. It was great. Uh, she was very nice very sweet Um, very thoughtful and I had I had a nice time meeting her Well, she DM me this morning and asked if it was worth getting her passport rushed or should she should she do a regular mail I know she just asked me a random question. I go just regular mail. Yeah, you know, I mean

There's no reason if you have a trip coming up a trip coming up But she didn't mention a trip like I wish josh potter would get his rushed so I could I could finalize my oh man European travel. We got all kinds of updates He's like he's like, well, I got an assault charge from 2012 I got to see if that can get kind of clear Salt charge. He does not have an assault. I remember one time I uh Shit outside of a school and they got pissed That is not true. Guys got warrants. Anyways, what kind of warrants do you have really? No, it's that's minor stuff

It's like minor sex crimes. Yeah Uh Yeah, but um to everybody that came out to all those shows in the u.s. And in canadia I thank you. I have to do canadia It's really great. Oh, no, this is the different. This is your guy though. Oh, this is 95 pigeons. Yes Yeah, this isn't the original but this is just a message. This is a message a personal one So this is how my relationship is grown with my Tiktok the people that he's got a lot of tats. He is a lot. He's just got facial tattoos recently

Um sweet kid. I really like I said, I really like these people And I've been DMing with a few these people tiktok. This is for christina p and christina p only Very flattered Put me on your podcast already. Please interview me. I see you working on my page. Please So he originally came up with the this is I wish this coffee was your spit, right? Um, yeah So that's it and okay. This is a is that like direct message right there Yeah, he made a tiktok for me. He put it on his profile Isn't that nice lurking on my page

Is it really lurking if I openly like and support? I don't know what the kids are calling it, but I openly like and support. You know what what's um What's really a thing here is that We're all talking about tiktok, but Our own josh potter Is On cameo It's so bizarre. Um

Do you know about this? I kind of saw a little bit. He did on uber on uber on instagram Uh, he did he did uber. He did uber Hey, yo, hey, yo Take your uvers Be safe out there. We are here. We are about we are about it. We are about it That So what gave you the um The inspiration to join cameo. Well, I uh, I was approached by the folks at camp. Oh

I was yeah, they sent you a message. Yeah, they sent me a message and I said Well, there's something to be had here as a uh, panty aggregator and a Uh foot consultant. I thought why not dip my toe so to speak into the pool And become a sex worker myself and I have I've become a sex worker now So yeah, it's going great. What are you talking about? What do you want a sex worker to a comedian? Three a podcast producer. What what do you mean by sex? Well look for right now on the screen We have first of all, what made you choose your price point 20 dollars is a deal

That is a well they start you at 15 as the floor and I thought you know, I'm a little better than that But I also want to keep things affordable for right people out there because I respect uh a hard day's work You know and so I thought I'd keep it, you know Kind of light And if you want to tip because you can tip on there if you want to get into some private sort of things We can do that. I'm setting up an only fans account and a fan centro Uh, perhaps as well only fans allows you to really push the envelope. Well, that's where we can get into the nitty gritty

Okay. Yeah, uh, well here we have Wait, hold on. What will you be showing if somebody does do your fans only account? What kind of stuff will they be seeing? It's all custom work. So it's uh, we can discuss They can make requests you see and then we can discuss price points. Are you talking about showing Your your kibbles and this Uh, listen if if the price is right. Yeah, exactly Yeah, because like here's the thing I wouldn't mind throwing you a grand to watch you jerk off or something A grand, you know, that would be

Right around the price range for something like that. Wait a minute Now you mean to tell me that you you really would masturbate for a thousand dollars and have that video floating around People do that for free Yeah, but he wants to be comedian. You don't think that's gonna haunt you. I want to be a sex worker and then a comedian Sex worker. He is a comedian. Yeah, what if he does become a sex worker? I know but like a big big like what if that's your I would be so proud of him your sex worker shame christina. Yeah Very very problematic

And For the community I have to represent them now and I agree. I gotta tell you Sorry, we are we need to be I need to be you're my wife, but I stand with y'all now Let's let's get into like your first request here. Yeah cameo. It says, uh, it's from michael He says I live in wyoming. So it's kind of hard for me to come to your shows But I love your comedy and wyame age appearances So I thought 20 dollars was nothing for all the laughs you've given me it's up to you what you do, man I know whatever it is. It'll be hilarious. And then we have your uh, your video. Yeah, okay

What's up, michael? I'm sorry you live in wyoming Not because wyoming isn't a beautiful place, but because I don't know when I'm gonna get out to wyoming And I would like to because I think I would enjoy it there quite a bit In the meantime, though, I want to make your 20 dollars worth it And I want to give you the hot feet action that you so crave Mmm, take a look at that. It kind of wore the dirt on the bottom. That's just from a hard day's work Take a look Which toe does it for you? This one's my favorite

How about this guy? Oh, where did you come from? Oh, boy Wow, how majestic this is a peek inside of your real room too, right? Yeah What is that? Is there a blanket in your room? No, not at the moment. There's so much, okay I had to remove the blanket for the seat much So because we don't want anything in the way, you know, right obstructing the view. Yeah I have to go to goodwill. You notice the bag in the bag. No, I want to There's so much to go over in that video. First of all, your feet are very hairless Which is surprising. I thought for sure you'd have sasquatch feet interesting, right? Yeah

Um, you notice the the blinds behind him the makings of a really disturbing ymh video. Yeah. Yeah Well, you know, I thought about josh a lot Yesterday, uh, because I was watching season two of mind hunter And and then I was watching some youtube videos of some interrogations of some, uh, some Go get some they got some confessions out of some murderers. Cool. They're really cool videos And I don't know I I could see like if things were dialed just a couple degrees another way I feel like I could see you in one of those. Oh my god Well, I told you when I went to visit robber paul champagne that I am just a few terrible things happening for being robber paul champagne

So I I want to hey, he wouldn't say his life is terrible. He's got those I'm not saying his life's terrible. I'm saying I'm just a couple terrible things from becoming robber paul champagne Yeah, and then my life. Well, let's see. Um, let's see look request number two here says keep going for erin Can you text a video to my buddy and call him a a run? And then say something dirty about him fucking your feet. I think you'll love it. Thanks. Wow. That's from tony And then here's your video All right

Tony it goes out to his buddy a a run. Yo, what's up, dude? I hear You want to fuck some feet? Do you want to fuck some feet or what? Let's pretend this guy is your Oh my god Super I I made 20 bucks from these guys out. Oh my god That way you want you dirty is that ink on your second toe put your tiny peeky look what's on here

Oh Jesus, okay. I don't need any more. I got it. This is hard. Look at his arms. Look at josh's arms Tom Pause it on his arms. Look at those upper arms josh. Yeah, look at that. Look at the shoulders It's part of my niche. Uh, it's part of what you pay for when you come to my cameo. Yeah Those shoulders are wild. Yeah That is some teen wolf shit, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I got that you taught jazz joint Do people like your shoulders do they want to see your shoulder action?

I haven't gotten that specific request on cameo yet, but the you know, it's existence is young, you know Well, look, I'm I gotta say I'm a little nervous. Yeah, I feel like you're gonna leave us soon I mean these videos keep requests keep rolling it dude. I you know, if I hit a certain mark I mean, you never know where my career could go from here. This is yeah. Yeah, yeah You know, well, could you give a would you at least give me like a month heads up or something? Yeah, of course I mean, I could conceivably do both for a little while until it might get overwhelming the requests You know after a while, I'm gonna be like Tom. I just I have to keep the foot content going I just or the the new shoulder content. Oh, you should get into a bank account draining

Yeah Financial domination fin dom fin dom. Yeah, I would love to be a part of that. I could be yeah for sure. I'd be like you Stupid fool. Give me your money. You know like stuff like that. That's now right now And but the fact that you're a little bitch. Give me my Amazon wishlist This is just a taste of what that only fans account's gonna be like. Yeah, I think you should play the next one though. Oh, okay Um, it gets a real in there. Do I need to read the request? Sure play the video if you have it Oh my god This is for father's day. Oh my god in australia

Uh, make sure you say he is an amazing dad and husband. Please be sure to listen to say that harry men are gods He is harry I love it. Say he sounds like the kind of guy that could make you come Jesus This is someone's request for their father. Your wish is my command on camera new request for grant. Oh my god All right. Why hello there big boy. I hear someone is an amazing dad and husband and Oh my goodness. It's father's day in australia And so I thought from one shirtless harry man god to another. I would wish you a happy father's day

And it sounds like You my friend might be able to help me with my little situation Uh, let's put a sound that I don't know fetus jess maddie Savvy henry all of them want to wish you a happy father's day as well And because I can't go without You know what's really fucked up The sound quality. No, I'm sorry that it's my it's my hair against my mic. You can see like my uh headphone mic

What's really fucked up is that this is this episode is gonna come out real soon And you're gonna get bombarded and you're gonna be made on these for like a weekend I know you're gonna have to make like 80 Well as a sex worker It is my cross to bear and sometimes if you are popular it becomes a mountain that you can't you know You start to get overwhelmed. You have to take a break. You know, you can't always just be content content content You need some time for yourself. Yeah, but you're doing 20 dollar videos and then cameo gets 25 percent Yeah for their cut

So I think you should increase your price after especially after this air. I think I will I think I will that's a great point Especially because I gave so many people free content on the podcast. That's right And you know, it's just I the thing is, you know with us sex workers. We're always up against it What about we're always up against the man coming down. Let's discuss this new price point. Yeah 40 Okay, 40 sounds about right. I think that's good. That means that means it's not just Like to some people won't be just a joke. They'll actually want it. You know, I mean, of course Of course And you also put a lot of thought and care into these videos because I've seen some other cameos that are just lazy like

Hey, what's up in their car? I mean, we could do that if that's your kink, but no, but this is like this is my new screen saver right here You really put a lot of energy and thought into your videos So I do feel like 40 dollars is definitely worth it Especially because they get a cut like and because here's the thing like I said The man is constantly coming down on us sex workers and they're trying to shut us down at every angle You know our twitters are our instagrams. I can feel the heat coming from cameo Yeah, and I just think I need to like Get as much content out there and get as much as I can from it. Let me ask you something

I'm switching subject. This is our career. I'm really proud of you and I hope you make a lot of money. Thank you Uh, what's up with your passport? Uh, seven more days dog. I was trying to get the message out to you. Oh, really? Yeah, it's coming next week. They told you. Yeah. No, I mean like I did it and they this is the Schedule time. I didn't do the expedited thing at first and that's why it's okay. Oh, yeah Just pay for the expedited. Well, I did it. He didn't and now you have all this extra fucking money I mean if I was on cameo sooner, I would have paid for the expedited. All right. All right. All right Um, well, thanks, josh. It's really great. I'm very proud. Any other do you have any date plugs? Are you gonna be oh, I would love to plug the fact that I'm going to be in Seattle on september 5th at chop suey

The next day i'm gonna be in Tacoma at a place called alma mater. That's on the 6th and then the 8th I'm going to be in portland at mississippi studios. If you're in portland, please buy tickets and tickets are where tickets are on My twitter at j underscore potter or you can go to my instagram at josh underscore potter Links are there and they are a plenty of great. Thank you. Thank you Josh potter will be with josh potter shows. We're going to do europe together. I know it's exciting You're going to budapest my homeland. Yeah, it's a fun show. I gotta show all my homies there my friends Um, also, we've got some other staff updates. Do you want to get in since we're on the staff? Yeah, one of them by the way, one of the um, you know, we had that uh

Episode a few weeks ago about how any poops once a month. Yeah, uh, one doctor told me that he should just drink a bottle of whiskey A doctor he was like tell him to chug a bottle of whiskey that'll clean him out and I was like you're a doctor He's like, yeah Wow, but um, but I think dr. Drew was like, yeah, it's not that big of a deal It's not that big of a deal. Yeah, so you're good any now any Eats an entire loaf of bread in one sitting. We found that out while you were taking your disaster dump a loaf of bread Yeah, he eats a loaf of bread in one sitting like wonder bread or stop with the carb god. That's awesome Yeah, sue woo brother. That's nice

Sue woo So anyway, you are taking a horrendous shit here in the office before we recorded amen and Nadav told us that he had an accident this weekend And we waited one year because I wanted to hear it on on the show. So what happened? Yeah, so, uh, you know, I just started switching over to keto And I forgot that that kind of rearranges your your whole insides for a while until you transition over to it Uh So, you know, I've been having diarrhea pretty much for the last couple days. Uh, and uh in hollywood. There was something called like, uh

Psych la via or something where they shut down hollywood boulevard. You could ride your bike down it. Yeah, them. Sorry I hate when they don't shut down any part of los angeles for the marathon for the bike bicyclists I went for children. What are you doing? No? Yeah, if you're in a car it fucking sucks. Yeah, but if you got a bike Yeah, yeah, go take it to the beach with all the other assholes. Why are you doing in the streets of la? Anyway, go ahead So, uh, so I was you know, me and my buddy like we got uh, we got like one of those scooters I was on one of those little motorbikes that you sit on and uh, we're driving and uh, and then all of a sudden like I have a cough And the pressure in my stomach

Uh, just made me brown in my pants and you're out on I am in public. I'm away from my house You're on a scooter. I have shit myself away from a clean pair of box And are you is it like a little squirt or are you like lot came out? Enough came out where my friend asked me what's wrong because my eyes were just Completely open He's like, are you okay? And it took me like three or four seconds to actually respond I was like, can I lie about this? Right? And I couldn't I couldn't because it was so uncomfortable and you go. I just shit myself

I was like, I just shit myself. I need to I need to go home. I just shit myself and he's like Okay, and so uh at first like when I coughed I was standing up like we were stopped right um, and so as I start Uh getting towards the scooter. I'm like, oh no, I'm gonna need to sit in this Wait sit in what he's sitting on a scooter like if I didn't need to sit down I could have probably at least saved my pants. Hold on. Hold on. What scooter is the this is what the kids? No, no, but I'm saying like uh, I seen those scooters that people are like She's like birds, but you're standing That's a scooter the thing I was on was like a motorbike. It's called wheels

It's pretty much like a little like thing that you're like a small motorbike. So you had to sit down and sit on it Mush it into your butt. Yeah. Yeah. So I And is it a rent like a rent thing? Yeah, it's something that you can unlock with your phone And I mean luckily I was only like three or four, but you're riding it's solo, right? Right, okay, and you have to sit You can't stand How close are you to your place? You can stand but how far away for your place? Probably like half a mile like I'm okay. Okay. Like I'm close enough like I was probably like three or four minutes Like scooter right away. Are you wearing jeans shorts? I'm wearing jeans

And boxers or and do you feel it running down your legs? It's not running down my legs But I do just feel myself sitting in it Yeah, and it's diarrhea there's potholes and stuff. Well, yeah, I'm transitioning to keto. Nothing's working right So, uh, and then do you smell it? Uh, I don't smell it Like it was enough. It was enough came out to not smell but not enough to uh, uh Not ruin my pants So, okay, so you're half a mile from home and you're sitting in your own kaka. Yeah, and

And by the way, I am laughing hysterically the entire like a ride home. I can't believe I shit myself Plus I have to sit in it like it's just Terrible terrible. It's so you make it home. I forgot this part of keto So you get you get home and do you have stairs you have to walk upstairs? Wait a minute. First of all, let me back up a second. Yeah So you do you leave the the wheels right outside your place right outside my place And do you look at it? And is it is it like is it messy? There is a spot What spot on the seat? I don't understand how yeah, it's court

You know, there's just a lot of liquid leaving my body right now Oh, so it's seeped through your pants. So it's seeped through my pants and on to the seat And I decided to take this for it For the show All right, take it off. It's not even that bad. I know, but I just like liquid brown I know but it's just but now when anybody Disgusting wheels You know savage like I I have wipes in my apartment. So I went up first changed my pants

Uh, just completely threw it out and then uh smart by the way respect You don't hold on respect. Yeah. Yeah, because even if you throw it in the laundry, it's like, okay Now you have shit rolling around in your laundry. No, it's grass. Yeah, it's a page one rewrite. So I took a picture and uh And then I went back downstairs with a disinfectant wipe and I wiped the seat down How you're nice and it's disgusting. Where did you throw the dirty? Pants I was straight in the dumpster and the dumpster and then how did you clean off? Did you get jump in the shower? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's uh

That's like I jumped in the shower and then it was just like in my bathroom the entire day I just felt disgusting for the rest of the day. Yeah. Yeah. And did you feel like you could get? Yeah, the smells like still there. Did you smell really bad? Uh, it didn't smell too terrible It didn't smell too terrible But I mean it's been a rough year for me in terms of this kind of stuff. So instead of what stuff like shitting yourself You've been doing it a lot. Well, I mean, uh, the guys the guys in the room know this I didn't tell you this but I shit myself in the first episode of two bears one cave You did?

What do you mean? So and I feel like I keep on coming up with excuses like oh, I was transitioning to keto or whatever But like I was sick like I was recovering from being sick. I when did we start that? It was a couple months ago Yeah, um, but I remember I mean you could pretty much pinpoint When I did it because I am laughing my ass off the entire time and then somewhere between minutes 17 and 20 I get quiet for a couple minutes and I was actually in this control room like Trying to see if I could smell it and any was like is everything okay, dude

I'm like, yep, everything's fine. Let's just keep working And uh, yeah, I shit myself in that in the beginning of that first episode And you sat through the for the whole episode Yeah, and I don't know if you remember but then we sound proof this control room So I pretty much did manual labor for the rest of the day after that. How did you get through that day? Luckily, I mean it that one was a really that one was a really small squirt. So I was able to push through it Okay, but yeah, it's just been a rough year. You know what you need. You know what you need Um, we have a bag that you travel with when you have a baby

Yeah, I need an emergency of the baby bag. Yeah, that's right. We have emergency change and like extra wipes wipes I'm serious hand sanitizer and maybe a dye dye too, you know Better safe than better to have it and not needed the yeah, that's true. You need a diaper bag We're here at the at the studio with a change of pants a change of shorts. Yeah, yeah and wipes Yeah, we're gonna bring you your dye dye bag. Yeah. Yeah, I might get you a dye dye bag Dude, I'll wear one. What's going on? What a crew we have We have the foot fetish sex worker We have shit myself

And then we have I only shit once a week Yeah Yeah, that's quite right and we got chris in the other room Fucking making non at home. Yeah curry Yeah Hippy guy hippie guy Yeah, this is unbelievable. You guys are really something else Unreal and then there's you with your racist

Me yeah, what do you mean? We were looking at a house yesterday. Oh, yeah, and uh, I fell in love with the spanish dazzler I'm a huge fan of the spanish style. We both love it. And so we've been looking at spanish style We've been trying to find that for a while a long time many years a big goal to like to get a spanish Years we've been looking. Yeah, this is a dream of ours And so there one came up in the neighborhood And I see it first when you're in canada and I fell in love with it because Everything in it is either imported from spain or mexico. That's how devoted they were to the spanish every Every D. I mean the doors were like

Uh, what is it? What did you call the little inca's at the welpa? It's a reenactment of at the welpa Over I love it. And I'm and there's crucifixes everywhere and sent and the tile everywhere the tile every spanish tile I freaking I it smells like Paintings everywhere. Yeah, and it's so it feels like I'm in Juana huato in a hacienda And there's fireworks going off and there's cowboys drunk shooting their guns in the I love it I freaking love it. I walked into this place and I so I take you back yesterday after you ride right away I go this is some serious spik shit here

And the lady was like he says it out loud This is some serious spik shit and I go I go really dialed up the spik shit and then the realtor was like, oh and then Christina Christina goes he's latin And she's like what he's she's like his mom's from Peru So he's used to these words Well, because I I was like, I feel like we're at my uncle's house in paracas. It's like

I love it. I mean it was it was it was rap too authentic It was a tad like the living room looks like an adobe Hot cave and and the doors have suns in them. I loved it. But I love it. I want to feel like I'm in Mexico, you know Yeah, no, I like those latin flavors. I was like I want the aesthetic but dial back the spik shit. It's a little too much, you know I was like, I feel like I mean catholic school in ayacucho right now. I loved it Yeah, lots of maria is everywhere. It was too much. Jesus is in the tile work feeling traumatized in there, you know I know Because you're very your mother was very catholic. Yeah, and I used to spend time at you know, I know in peru going to school

And doing spik shit all day. It's like It's it's too much Yeah, well, we have to find something in between definitely, right? Yeah, I mean No, I mean look, it's not the worst thing. It's it's a nice house, but it was just like it's It's it's too much too spiky. Did you tell our agent that dial back on the spiky? I did I said, I like this spik aesthetic, but I don't want like to to move into Some fucking

Yeah, you know, I mean she's german like a fun of her be francisco pisados house Like just chill out a little bit. I like I like latin flavors. Sue me I'm very multicultural. I'm very woke Is that what the kids are saying? I'm inclusive Okay Jean Jean I'll do my dates Of course Well first off I want to thank everybody who's listened to where my mom's at so far

You know what's interesting tom a lot of guys like where my mom's at It's so bizarre. Yeah, if you're a dude listening to this show, you're interested in whatever where my mom's at Tell your ladies in your life. Tell your girlfriends your wives or sisters listen to my show It drops every monday noon on the youtube's on the itunes I had dr. Drulon I'm gonna have katie morton on who's a famous youtube psychologist. Great. And I want you to come on eventually. I'll come on Okay dates christina peon line september 5th mil walkie september 6 chicago illinois

september 7th boston massive huge tits that's great. Yes, and nardsville Tennessee october 3rd through 5th I've just added sperm vine sperm vine california. That's urvine october 17th november 22nd meet rattle washington And then november 23rd portland origan tickets at christina peon line I'm also doing september 22nd at uh, uh, vegas with billy eilish. That's crazy in a music festival I know agent jeans was like I heard you like billy eilish Mind blown. I freaking do

All right, uh, if you're going to see the take it down tour my next stop is Memphis, tennessee that is september 10th next day Just very few tickets left in nardsville day after that same very few tickets left the 12th in greenville There are tickets available to the late show in Durham, north carolina That's at the uh, Durham performing arts center. The early show is sold out tickets available september 14th for the late show Then um later in the month. I do san jose Very few tickets left there in oakland

Los angeles the 20th and 21st Just about had a hundred or so tickets left on the 20th Santa Barbara can I just interject here? You're doing la the orpheum, which is fucking amazing I'm just so proud of you. Oh, thanks. This is of my hometown. I'm just proud of you. Well, thank you I just love it. I'm excited. Um, I'm excited for you. That's huge Uh, september 22nd santa barbara then el paso Tucson phoenix and in denver we added a show the 28th at the belco the early show sold out So go to the late show

Um, what else has been added new york? I'm doing kinkston new york. I'm doing new york new york I'm doing the beacon theater on november 7th Ben Salem, I was told to say it correctly uh, november 8th And what else I have a show that we added to charlotte november 13th The special i'm taping is november 16th. It's all sold out. So we added a show the next day in austin on november 17th um, of course, we're doing hawaii

December 28th and 29th, and I mentioned earlier that we added a show in winsor ontario ontario on Uh, december 8th. All those tickets are at tomcigarette.com Thanks to everybody for coming out To the shows for getting tickets really appreciate you. All right. Um, we should take a quick break And we'll be back with our guest Our next guest is handsome. He's brilliant. He's hilarious. He'll tell you that's just not enough He it has a new special out and a lot going on first time here. It's amazing to have him anthony justinik. Thank you for coming That's uh, it's just not enough. I know I know

I know but you know, I was thinking I don't know if this is correct or not That's why I've never claimed it without verifying but I feel like We started together, but I'm like, oh, but I don't know if actually We started together like we used to do shows together We used to be on the same show the three of us would be on shows like dude like 16 years ago Here in la. Well, how long have you been doing it? Uh, since oh two. Okay. Yeah, I think I started like I'm like in october It'll be 17 years for me or maybe 18 years. Yeah, so I'm 17 almost 18. Yeah, I think of us as being in the same class

Yeah, uh, the same with christina christina and I were friends under false Like under a false premise. Were we because I thought I don't know why I thought this But I thought forever that you were from pittsburgh So I was like extra nice to you And then like because I was like, oh my friend from pittsburgh, you know, I've got to be like, hey, what's up? Go pejitzki. There's a bunch of it right? I think I'm confused you with someone else at the same time who started And then we were like talking one night in the comedy store parking lot and you were like, where are you from? And I gave you this look like what are you talking about?

You're like confused. Yeah, and you're like, I thought we're both from pittsburgh. You're like, I know I'm from here And I was like, oh, you know we're not even friends anymore. I've been nice for no for no reason whatsoever I remember like because when you do the like those shows I remember like, you know, not every show But we would we were on like, you know A few probably bringer shows and then like small randomly book shows meaning like not at the clubs not at the improv Not at the comedy store and I remember in those days like I didn't know you really well But like it was clear In those early days that like you were one of the good so if I saw you on the on the show

I'd be like, oh, like anthony's here. He's one of the the good ones Yeah, I felt the same way about you that it was like we didn't know each other well, but there was a respect It was like, okay. We're in the same like that's true. I did French beards already. Oh, maybe we will but I I definitely was like Um, because they're you know on those shows, there would be like you'd be like this person's fucking awful I mean you would right? Oh, like yeah, and then like anthony would go up there. You always had I mean Just like I I remember from those days. It has to have been um, you guys are the worst people This is so funny to me. The two of you are known for being highly unlikable and watching the two of you have conversations

None of the people we're throwing under the bus do comedy anymore. It's true. They're all gone. They're all done You need to come hang out with us more because I feel like you two are soulmates You need a better friend. You need to come over. Um, I remember the motorcycle joke from back, right? Because it had to be it's that old, right? That's one of the first jokes Yeah, that's that's one that like I would remember I would remember sitting with sickler and we'd be like, oh, it's coming right here What's the motorcycle joke? I don't remember this joke so good. Um, when I finished high school I want to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle my mom said no See she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18

And I could just have his motorcycle I don't remember any like when I do like when I finish an hour or like I finish a tour or whatever I forget all the material so I can do the new stuff But I remember that joke word for word Well, that was like that was like I mean for me looking back on that time like, you know 16 some years ago That was to me like one of your signature jokes of that era, right? I mean, I would see you do 15 minute sets. So that's you know, that's what we would do. Yeah, but um, isn't that amazing? I'm so I also thought I made the most sense like because you you wrote such like precise

Like, you know, it was like economy of words. Oh, yes. He's the writer like when you split you left to new york I'm like, where'd it go? Like oh, he's writing on one of the late night shows. I was like, oh That makes perfect fucking sense. Like that that's why I started doing stand-up was to get a monologue writing job Hilarious. And by the time I finally got it. I was like, what am I doing? Yeah, that's the irony of it It's like, what are you doing? And then they basically From what I've heard never used your jokes. Like your jokes were always. Yeah, they knew I was funny Like I thought I was gonna get fired every 13 weeks as you can fire a writer So I'm like, I'm not getting anything on like Jimmy. I can't say this joke

But I was the funny guy in the room like it was all harvard people And then like morgan murphy and me with the two comedians So we were the funniest ones in the room, but our stuff never got on that's a little bit when I finally quit They were like, we would have never fired you like we loved you and really the family. Yeah And I waited a year to quit because I knew immediately. This was a mistake And uh, but I felt like if I quit before a year people it would be on my resume as like a red mark People would be like, what why did you quit? Right? And then when I finally left I was like, no one ever would have asked me anything Now would you literally did you literally get nothing on like nothing?

I mean maybe because I had to write like in the beginning. It was just me and one other guy Now that staff is like 12 people right and we didn't know any better. It was our first job So we're like we are we bad at this so we were freaking out writing like 100 jokes a day 75 jokes a day And you never knew what Jimmy Fallon was gonna pick You know, you never knew what his mood was gonna be one day. He loved this type of joke the next day He hated it. Uh, so I wrote a lot and I would get things on but nothing I was ever proud of Oh, right. It's like a joke. You're like you're that's the fifth best joke. I wrote it like that's the one that Oh, like like the tenth like this is a hack joke. I would never tell this and he's like, this is great

It didn't part part because I oh you have to speak into the mic Blue bands telling you just tilted a little bit Because I wrote for chelsea lately for a minute and a half too And um, I remember every time she would say something that I had written a piece inside of me died Where I was like, oh, that's my fucking But wasn't it also that you said like you hated my ego like someone else is is saying Yours, right? That's my thought and that's my part, you know, you try to write for someone else's voice But ultimately it's you and you go. I should be the fuck and I want to be the host

I want to be the star here and and my ego just could not take it Well, when you're a comedy writer you take the host's voice and you make it your own When you're a comedian you use your own voice and you hope the host likes it You know, so I would write these jokes where they were just like jimmy has to be likable Like my whole thing is like not being likable. I'm gonna make you laugh anyway. Like we can't do this I remember like a couple weeks in I was like, I'm gonna shape the voice of this show And I write this joke and it was like So arrogant it was the day

Well, it's like I'm one of the first writers they hired it was like that's the that's why I wanted to be on the show I thought about like the romantic days of like Conan first starting and it was like Louis CK and like Robert Smigel and these guys like I wanted to be like that And there was none of that And but part of it was the the show was success from the beginning that we didn't have to you know But I remember writing a joke. It was like Shakespeare's birthday And the joke was like something like on this day in like 16 whatever Shakespeare was born And on this day in 16 whatever Shakespeare died

Like meaning he died on his birthday and everyone's like kind of like oh, like he's like I don't care what anybody says That guy was a great writer And like it got like the writers in the room to laugh But jimmy told it and it like bombed and then and they still aired it. They didn't cut it out in the next day They had a meeting Where they were like no more jokes like that Like we're not going to do any like weird nothing too clever Yeah, it's like we're going to be like down the middle like these are these are the jokes

That's the death of you though right away. I was like that's that's it. There's nothing fun to be no that's your whole thing and it's so fascinating because You know the assumption is that likeability is key to being a stand-up comedian You've got to win over a room full of strangers So how did you come how did you figure out that being unlikeable was actually the way to be? Were you always a piece of shit? I didn't have a choice. It was like I walked on stage imagine me at 23 You know what I mean walking on the stage with a bunch of other like a lineup full of white guys Who looked like uglier versions of me right and then I get up there

And people hated me right away that I was like this is interesting Let's lean into this if the let's see if I can make the joke so good that you can hate me And you still have to laugh at it and then I just started following like I would say like I'm the greatest and the crowd would laugh and I was like, okay Like let me follow this like this is interesting. Let me let my ego get involved. I feel like Knowing that you were coming on I was like, oh man, you know what I because I think I think you have the same instinct I do when when a crowd Does turn on you like historically then I'm like I'm definitely gonna be mean or no

But like so I was like I would love to see Like the your sets that have gone the the worst would be to me Not amusing in the sense of like, uh, you're seeing someone bomb I mean like I would just love to see you lean in Mean on a crowd that doesn't like you. I mean normally like I had saves pretty early on You know like if a crowd was like just didn't laugh I'd go. Oh, I'm sorry I thought you guys were cool

And they would laugh at that and I'd be back to like I've found out that like if you didn't just like apologize Then you were cool. Yeah, but there was one show when the worst show I ever had to do Uh, I was in um I was at the columbus funny bone And the weekend went so badly and it's a bad time with the manager that I was like, I'll never do a funny bone again Like I will never do a funny bone again And I haven't really and yes. Wow. I was just so mad at the at the manager. I've never been treated that way And I had to do these I did all these shows. They were all sold out and then it was mother's day on sunday

And I was like guys don't want me on mother's day and they like fly at the room and I was like Call every single person who bought a ticket and tell them who I am and explain it to them Right, and they were like we got it. We called everybody. Everyone's there was down and then I went up And I just I mean it was just a trainer from start right away. They're like and it wasn't it was also in a way That where I was like, you're right Like you should never have come here to see me on mother's day. This is the worst show Sometimes I'm like, this is a bad crowd. I'm like, you guys are fine. The problem is me and I have no plan B I'm not going to go to go into the crowd and talk to your mom and you're going to hear more of these jokes

Well, that's the thing of that I've always um I told somebody when I was like, I was like, you know The difference between an entertainer and a comedian is like the entertainer goes I just want everybody to have a good time And as a comedian like the way that I feel is like I'm doing I'm bringing what I do up there and like if it if you don't like it. I'm not switching. I'm not going to be like I'm a dance over here to make everybody have a good. I'm I'm not in that business I'm in the stand-up business and this is what you get you get this show

So if you don't know who you came to see like what you're talking about that's fucking your problem now, you know You came to see a movie and you're gonna see the movie Yeah, like I'm not gonna see the movie. I'm not going to change the movie Because somebody's not having a good because you brought too many kids. Yeah, you know like it's rated our movie Well, and there's the internet you can google who the fuck you're going to see that night You don't just show up to a movie and go what's playing? I don't care anything You pick the movie. Well, that's the problem though. So many of those like funny bones and some of them They're in you know, these malls where there's there are people like what's this? Oh, let's go in here

I mean, you're not going to even google the band you're about to go watch See if it's the genre of music you like no Yeah, and then they're like, I don't like this. Well, you should have fucking looked it up. You know, what that's crazy I don't like country. Well, you're at a country concert Okay, that's that's not my fault. No, and it's so funny because we've known anthony forever And I remember a young 20 early 20 something anthony jessel neck and you're so sweet. You've always been the sweetest person I'm sure people are I mean, are they surprised when they

Meet you and the do you hear that? They're like, I expect you to be a fucking dick. Yeah. Yeah, and I think I'm not even that nice I'm just not as mean as you think I'm going to be right, you know, like that has except a monster You're a sweet 23 year old I remember I found that so many comics who acted sweet on stage with dicks offstage That I was like, you know what like let me go the other way and the px. Oh, fuck them the most Big liars. I always say I don't trust male comedians who don't talk about their dicks Or anything dark or weird. Yeah, they look at cosby. He was the biggest monster of them all and

You come see the bad words. Yeah, he's not cursing. Go fuck yourself. Yeah cursing. No, I know it's so weird And yeah, the nicest comics usually have like the most fucked up material You see that across the board because you get it out there. Yeah, so that it's not in you. Yeah Yeah, that's true. So were you always no, so wait, so a young anthony jessel nick. Did you always have confidence? Were you I had some confidence, you know, I knew I read a lot and so I I felt like I was smart You lit major on the people that race. Yeah. Yeah, I wanted to be like a novelist Are you an Ivy League guy too? No, I went to Tulane I was like I was in honors classes New Orleans. Yeah, it's like a party school

Yeah, they would call it the harvard of the south, but there's like eight harvors at the south Yeah Uh, but I uh, I was I was in like honors classes, but I was the class clown in honors class. So I was like underachieving Um, yeah, so I was smart. Yeah, I guess but not like a genius. Yeah, not like now. No, no, no, no, no, no, of course Um, what was your what were your parents like? Would you grow up like I was the oldest of five kids in Pittsburgh? I did not know this five kids in seven years me three girls and a brother And so like the family was just like my dad worked. My mom was just running us around to different activities And uh, what do your siblings think of like, you know, who you are now?

They're very proud of me I think they can get a little annoyed that my parents or my mom is like obsessed with me Like it's like did you hear what anthony did listen to this anthony's podcast like watch anthony special again And then like we get it like we're fans. So you're the favorite clearly I went from the black sheep to the golden child Because of success. Yes. Yeah, success just trumps everything They would even be embarrassed of me like my material and stuff until like neighbors started knocking on the door to be like Your son was great last night, you know, then they were cool

But they were like he's actually a nice kid. They were no, no, no, we get it. Like he's a performer. We're not fucking morons Yeah, it's it's good. But they were they were embarrassed until I like they had something to point to like early on I was doing well like I would be on kimmel, you know, I would get like I would be on cone or on premium blend My parents didn't know how to tell people that they didn't know what that was So they just told everyone that I wrote for j leno That was their only that was like showbiz to them Which would be the last job you could probably keep So I would come home and I'd be like i'll proud of myself like maybe they saw me on kimmel

And they'd be like so your parents tell us you're writing for leno and I'd be like no and they'd be like, oh I'm like but and they'd be like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever your dad lied to me Yeah, my dad told somebody else on snl one time and I was like what he's like. Well, you were on a thing I was like you you said saturday night live and he was like I don't remember like that's what they said So that's what you said. Yeah, like he just he was just like well. I remember it was tv I was like, yeah, it's a distinction though, right? Like yeah, like tv to them like snl was tv It's like they just don't yeah, they're just like he's a comedy show on tv. I think it was snl Okay, that's cool

He's uh, he uh, he I don't know if you get this from your parents. My dad Called me. He was like, how's that ride aid and uh the pharmacy The lady is your biggest fan. I was like, oh, that's cool so When you're here if you want to go say hi and I was like, I don't want to do that He was like, oh, I thought you would I go Why do you think that I would want to go to ride it to meet the lady and he's like She's a big fan. I'm like, I appreciate it

But like I don't want to go to ride aid to meet the pharmacy lady to be like, hey, I heard you like me What's a bear like how presumptuous of you to be like here? I am You want to take a picture? I don't have any meds to pick up but My parents used to give out my email address. No I was like, you got to stop You got to stop it guys Like but they're a fan. They're nice Nice and I'm like, yeah, I've got a lot of fans

Uh, but don't give out my email address. That's like that's I had to tell you dude one of my dad's friends friends is a lawyer funny guy So he's been writing his some material and I'm like and he's like I thought you might uh Read it for him give him your thoughts and I'm like nope Read your lawyer friends Like written monologues and then give him feedback. Yeah, I thought that that would be nice because he likes to write it's like

When I first started like I just done like some bringer shows some open mics My parents were like one of your like Second cousins Contributes jokes to Craig Kilbourne on like his like a late late show Uh, would you want to like email him and talk to him? And I was like, yeah, I guess, you know, I'll try that And so I like sent him the transcript of like my first ever stand-up set And then he like looked at it was like, okay like and it was like, of course it was terrible But now I wonder what that guy's thinking like this fucking guy

Yeah That's hilarious. How do you get do you get email jokes? Do you get email jokes? Yeah, I get like on my website Hey, man big fan. Oh, you have an email address on your website. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and they'll go A big fan. I was thinking about this and thought you could you could do something with this like yeah I can press delete on this shit Like they're I'm like you just think I might Say you're then sometimes they'll do it first I saw you're coming to Kansas City. It'd be great if you referred to

You know the place over on 23rd street. I'm like, uh-huh I found that like no comics can give me advice no matter how like amazing the comics or how much I respect them Yeah, I mean I've had like like chris rock has been like try this and it has not worked Jim gaffigan's like try this and I'm like, okay Some people now they're like, can I give you a piece of advice and I'm like, no, you cannot it just won't work But I remember uh, russell Russell Peters comes up to me and I love Russell Peters Yeah, but he comes up to me at the improv and he's like, I thought of a joke that only you could do

Do you want to hear it? And I'm like, you're Russell Peters. Like yeah, and he's like, hold on. I gotta do a set I'll be right back goes and does a set comes back to me and I'm waiting and I'm just like, I wonder what this is gonna be And he goes he's going through his phone for like five minutes and finally goes Something about make a wish kids That's it. Yeah, and I go that's not a joke. Yeah, like that's not a joke Yeah, I like I like the area you're in. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great subject I understand why you would say that but being like it's a joke only you could do How many people don't get the joke with you? How much hate mail do you get?

I don't really get much and I've been kind of grandfathered in that if someone tries to attack me Like the comments are just like people like I've had to stop Retweeting ironically, you know if someone did like misses the point and tweets at me like angrily Then I like and I would retweet it. My fans would just devastate them That it's like hundreds of comments being like you're an idiot like like a lot of a big a big one I'll see is like you must be new here, you know, like that now If you don't get it, you've got to keep your mouth shut Because someone enough people do yeah, I mean and like the name is it's gotta feel good. Yeah, it feels great

It's like what I've been you've been building like before the trump roast When I was just kind of like I put out an album But I was like a comedian who was just touring Most people were just showing up to see comedy and it was very it was painful It was tough to get through you never knew what the show was going to be good or bad And then once the trump roast happened everyone who bought a ticket knew what they were coming to see and were excited for Were you on I don't remember everything you did trump was my like my big break So what was it like now? I mean you roasted the future president of the united states

What was like did you have personal interaction with him? Shook his hand when I walked up there when I walked off and he said he was like Thank you in a sincere way because I followed the situation who would just bomb Oh, I remember this and then Jeff came up to kind of save him And oh and then the situation was like anthony jesslenick Like uh, who's this guy and I remember and then he like looked at the audience and then you took a drink you're like Yeah, I knew I was like reactions are going to be big on this one Yeah

And then like it was so much worse in person than on tv What like they didn't take a 10 minute break, but he must have Because I imagine for these things that like especially for a non comic They pair you up with a writer and try to like oh they write your whole act for you to get you to do it Like it's it's 10 writers and he just was like I don't need it He was like he was brought in last minute so they wrote the jokes last minute But they really thought he can sell these they were like here's how you say these jokes They didn't want him to bomb right he could kill if you but he had like an attitude

He didn't practice it when up there was sunglasses on And like they gave him a little bit of grace in the beginning and then we're like oh He's not respecting this right and turned on him and I think in his life at that point That's what he would do They would pay for him to show up at a state fair and get booed for 10 minutes And then they give him a check for 10 grand and he walked off right so like to his credit He didn't run off the stage. He took it. Yeah, I took and I remember he walks over to us At the dais and we're all sitting together like in these bleacher kind of situation

And everyone's looking at the floor like we don't know what to say to this guy And then he does I just see his feet come up And stop and I look up and he gives us two thumbs up and goes that was good, right? Like he did not know Yeah, he's like that's just what it is for him. Right. We're like, yeah, man. That was fantastic You knocked it out of the park So but but your trump interaction was brief and your yeah, I shook his hand and I was like maybe he's not a bad guy You know because I'd heard mixed things from other people, you know, uh, horrible not horrible

And he was funny at the roast like when he did his rebuttal like he was legit funny And then like the next day He became like a birther Like he was like, where's the birth certificate and I was like, that's the dumbest of the dumb like Yeah, like I'm I'm I'm sorry. Yeah, I remember um, he I think it was ross. Yeah, ross said You know was always nice paid well like because he did like some privates for him and did some of his casino stuff And I think even rock said he was like, oh, yeah, you know, he was always um, who he was red red tie the suit

You know, like you you didn't have to love him, but it was you know, anyways, just like No false pretense of anything with him seemed like he was who he was. Yeah, like a harmless guy He looked to talk about how rich he was. Yeah. Yeah Still is He still is who he is kind of right. Yeah. Yeah It's weird. I mean, I mean, we don't have to get in the politics and I can't stand them but uh He was like he was like a liberal, you know, I mean, he was like a clinton person. Yeah forever And then was like, oh, here's my way in. Yeah, here's my life

It's like when you see comics go right wing, it's like no, you were just bad at being a comic And you're like these people are so starved for it that I'm going to start like acting like this Yeah, and uh, and you can see it like there's guys like nick de paulo Who are like, nick, you're like this. I love nick de paulo I just agree with his politics But I can watch him and laugh and love it because it comes like from a genuine place He's not he's not pandering the people who are pandering. I'm like, this is the worst comedy. I've ever heard right Or it goes the other way where you're super left wing. Yeah, and you're just pandering. It's like

Somebody tweeted this once it was like stop supporting mediocre comedy Because it backs up your beliefs You know, it should be great comedy or like listen to a fucking ted talk or like here's speech Like you should you start to see it with a lot of the like super liberal comics That um their show like you can even watch it especially like this show is just applause breaks. It's not there's no laughs It's like, you know what I mean? And everyone's like, fuck. Yeah. Good. Well because they're preaching to people that already convert Yeah, exactly. It's like, what's the big rape is bad? Am I right? And you're like, yeah, everybody's fucking

Nobody's contesting now. Yeah, you know guns are real bad if you use them Like we need to do something people Big applause I am for doing I'm way back in the day I was a friend of mine went down to orange county and there was like an open mic not an open mic It was like a book show, but it was at a Like a rehab center

It's like all these sober people and they were like you just kill because they love everything the best usually And this was like not that night when we were just dying But everyone suddenly you just be like, how about the troops and they would go nuts You'd like tell a joke and it would bomb and you'd be like Kobe Bryant should rape the shit out of that girl, right? And they'd be like, yeah And you just like had like every button you could push in between jokes. Yeah We did a couple of what was that one out here? It was out out in the valley. It's yeah The it was it was a make bet and court. Yes make bet and court's thing

And man like the first time I did it. I was like fucking a a thing I don't want to do like I didn't know anything about it. I'm like that sounds like oh come on They're like, can you talk about it? They go you can talk about anything like you you can't push it far enough with them I was like really and you go in there and it was like epic the show was amazing and those people I don't know, you know, they were like actively like entering sobriety some of them And this was like a huge relief for them. It's one of the best shows I've ever had doing those shows There used to be dude I don't know if you ever did it. There was this a coffee house on sunset that I think damn bilac may have ran

That's that. Yeah. It was like a midnight show. Yes, and it was all like latino recovering addicts like playing dominoes and drinking coffee Yeah, and everyone in there was sober except the owner Was like a meth head And he would like the first couple shows went well and it was like it was like you were scared of the audience So you was like fun to do, you know, you were like going to like get better And then at one point like the like the everyone's sober except the owner would just walk up and down the aisles playing an acoustic guitar loudly Yelling at everyone who hadn't ordered anything and you're like on stage watching the owner like come towards you being like What did you get?

And I'm like I got a I it's midnight. I don't want a coffee. I'm sorry. There's nothing you have here for me, but I'm performing That's such an awful and then bilac ran. Didn't you run the nickels? Shining 12 shiny nickels. Yeah, that was a fun show I did it once and I was just like if you're gonna disrespect me with that like once the light goes off like everyone applauds Like I can't stand those I love your standards for like I'm not like you're like I'm never doing a funny bone again and I didn't Dude, I I did that I did set list once But like they'd be like Paul prevents this emailing me being like come play and I'm like I don't play

Like I don't play on stage like I'm there to like come and kill Like playing has nothing to do with it And then one night I'm just at the I go to see Todd glass at the improv And they're doing that and I like the sclar brothers go up But they do well and they're like you should do it just go go ahead and do it I'm like fine I'll do set list and I go on stage and immediately realize what a mistake it was Because they're telling me what to talk about right and I'm like you don't tell me what to talk about ever

And like the lines are funny, you know, it was like the first one was like crazy crucifixion And you're supposed to how does it work? You're supposed to start with that Yeah, like you're supposed to act as if it's like don't just look at that crazy crucifixion Like act as if you have a joke about it. Just pretend and that makes me mad already. Yeah And then it's like don't give me a joke. We've done an interview with like the questions or jokes It's like no ask me a question and let me be funny Yeah, don't try to ask me a joke question to show how clever you are because then I can't do anything with that That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like let well, it's like when you do press, you know, especially like when you do

radio You go in it's like you can tell the the good radio host Let's you be the comic and you can and then the ones that like resent that you're there Really like right away. They're like, all right. You could be funny. We come back from the break and you're like, oh boy Okay, like I can you can too and then You know, I feel like it's like the ones that are go like I have like actual I researched you for 15 seconds So I actually have a few questions to ask and those ones go great I sometimes I do it where I can tell they went through my amdb page

Yeah, whatever like so you were the first comic to perform on late night with jimmy felon. I'm like, oh, this is gonna be terrible Now you're so methodical you just said that a little bit you come to kill every time I've seen you at the store You're you've got if you're working out your new hour, you've got your notebook and you're you're so efficient What's your method? What do you do? Do you record everything? I record everything and never listen to it Me too, yeah Like unless I'm like I've really riffed something crazy there that like I've got to go back I never listen to it

But I record every set mostly so I can look and see how much time I have Like I have no concept of time I might have been up there for 20 minutes or two minutes. I don't know so I have to look at something And uh, I just really hated comics Who wasted people's time? I hate entertainment that waste people's time 100% like do like let's be efficient and make everything count I loved that aspect of it and it is harder It does take more time But I really wanted to be that to be like develop newer new material every time you go up

Have a new joke every night or like the motorcycle joke I told I remember going to ireland for a festival and everyone being like hey, man That could be like a five minute long story that you could really stretch that and I was like it's a perfect 30 second joke I'd rather a perfect 30 second joke and then come up with You know other 120 of them to form an hour than to have this like five minute thing that like gets me through You know, I hated that I hated comics who did that like don't waste my time I agree. I don't like watching people go up there and either pontificate or talk about nonsense or just explore their feelings What else is going on?

Yeah, you know what? She's crazy right now. Yeah Yeah, I hate that. I don't know if there's anything here, but I was reading today You're like no figure out if there's something they're not and then go and there are exceptions to the rule, of course Sure, um, but I never wanted to be that I wanted to be my own favorite comic You know and I feel like when I watch you guys I'm like you are your own favorite comedians like or you like that's what you Yeah, that's what your goal was to be right, you know, I used to be like every birthday I'd be like if I went back in time right now At like 30 years old to my 18 year old self when my 18 year old self think I was cool

It was like, yeah, I'm a comedian. I'm writing for Jimmy Fallon like these are like cool things I would have been excited and then I got to a point. I was I think it was like 36 When I was like, why the fuck do I care what any 18 year old thinks? You know, I mean like who gives a shit that now I'm just now I'm I feel more free than I ever have That's great turning 40 and putting out four hours of comedy. It's like whatever I do next No one can complain. Yeah, you know, that is true. You got another show coming up a comedy central Yeah, I've got I've got a podcast right now that we just took our season hiatus The gessel nick and rosenthal vanity project

Jrvp my best friend and I talk just it's almost nonsense. We have a couple stories. We talk about our weeks. We're best friends I'm godfather to his kids. So it's kind of like what kind of a person would let anthony around their children Yeah, um, we have a lot of fun We just did 40 episodes and then I have a tv show coming out in september Uh called good talk with anthony gessel nick on comedy central friday nights at 11 o'clock And you'll be sitting with other comics. I'm sitting with six comics. Uh, we got uh, david spade natash legerro christin schull um nick kroll uh

Fuck kumail nagiani and I cannot remember It's only six man. It was six and I got how many did they get five five, right? Yeah Sean natasha, and I'm forgetting David spade kumail spade kumail and kroll and then we had three girls natasha Shaw and there's only like five girls and Yeah, there's only five. Let me name the other two. Maybe a woman of color. Maybe a woman of color. That's why you forgot

No, a gill some jubrod God damn it natasha christin. I've said this a million times to have had to do it for press Who's the other girl in showbiz? Let's figure out who this two other female comedian in there We asked whitney. Whitney couldn't do any comics. Whitney couldn't do it. Allie wong couldn't do it Allie who else has specials? Well, just I you know, I didn't get invited to your show, but i'm doing david spade show pretty Yeah, that's a big deal. Yeah, when are you doing it? It's in august

Someone just texted me and they go. Hey, are you free in august to do david spade show? I got that same text Do you think that I booked television appearances myself through text messaging? No, you wrote back. Yeah What'd they say he was like ha ha He was like, ha ha. Sorry. You're right. I'll go through manager and I was like, yeah I would fuck everything up if I did that, you know, and even this yeah, like we're friends But like we had like publicists involved and like because I would screw everything up Well, calendar wise shit gets to the older you get, you know, we have kids now We have tour dates. It's like I yeah just being like you're free. It doesn't even work anymore

I need I need like levels of communication. Oh, I was doing the tv show and promoting the special at the same time What was like guys I need I need the like I need the show staff The publicist the manager the agent all on the same page because I'm on no pages Do you know what I mean? I'm just like sitting here letting like newspapers fly around in the wind Yeah, uh, you guys all need to know that you can't schedule things against each other. Yeah. No, that's cool, man Uh, people rave about the special so congrats on that. Thank you. Thank you firing a maternity ward I think it's my best work today. Love the title I wonder if anybody comes out with specials and go like I think the last one was better, but it's pretty good

You know, I mean like I wonder if anybody actually Doesn't think their newest one is the better one I've seen because of the way netflix changed things and it was like people could just grab money I've definitely seen specials that i'm like you just got up there and filled an hour. Oh for sure Yeah, and I can't imagine those people were like, yeah, it was amazing But I don't especially on some because like people don't really don't realize The sliding scale of that netflix pay because they hear about the big ones and then you're like, yeah, dude No, no, no, they're in their own fucking world

Like the 20 a special thing is like five people when I had to have a meeting with netflix to talk about marketing firing the maternity ward And I was like they were like, here's our ideas and I was like, here's my idea How about to be like from the network that thought it was a good idea to tell everyone what they're paying three comedians And no one else and they were just like They like smiled uncomfortably. Yeah, yeah, you know from the network that brought you nanette Don't get me started on fucking nanette I was my manager and I were talking about it and she was like, you know, like it's the nanette when she's like

And I'm like, oh, I haven't seen it and she goes, what? I'm like, I haven't seen it. She goes, anthony you talk about it all And I just like saying the net so much. I like saying it as a whisper nanette The most powerful specialist It's very powerful. It's very powerful. I finally watched it and I was like, none of this applies to me You know, I mean, I've never told a self-deprecating joke in my life. I don't know what you're talking about. That's true. Yeah she's got a she's got a

Oh, oh, take the taro. No, he wrote big He just missed yes, take it. Yeah, it was our first guest. Yeah, I could say you could forget her. So on um Oh, have you seen this guy by the way? This is uh, the This dude runs a dry cleaner No, no, not this asshole in In the Bronx, but just like just give you a taste. I don't know if you saw him already already Oh, god, he's everything he posts is like this everything. No buckle up jessel nick I mean like why are you watching that?

Like it sounded like it went viral like you found that We find a lot of bad stuff But is this like every guy in Pittsburgh? I feel like it could be like this. No, no, no, no, it's like an east coast thing He's an east coast guy. He's like a northeast coast Pittsburgh is a more like blue collar polish kind of like my trebs. Yeah, I've been there. It's lovely. It's actually very pretty Yins jag ofs. Yeah. Yeah, I was a little outside of I was like in the suburbs just like, you know a couple minutes outside of the city But I never got if I ever said yinz even like to be funny. My parents were like shut the fuck up. Yeah

Yeah You know that that's like that's oh they say yinz. Yeah. Yeah. Now. We're what were your parents? What did your dad do for a living? Sorry. My dad was an attorney. I mean he's semi-retired But like still works. There's a lot of pro bono stuff He worked for us steel for a lot of years at the end. My mom was a housewife. Yeah, well five kids. Fuck five It should be that five Attorney smart. What's the breakdown? Like what's the age range? It was five kids in seven years. So it's me

What three girls with like a year and a half of between each one of us and then my brother Is seven years younger than me your youngest. Mm-hmm. There's only seven years younger than you. Yeah. Wow So they really went for it. They went fucking I think they were like they wanted to have a bigger family And I think they would have stopped like maybe at three or four, but they wanted another boy They were like, well, let's try one more and then like, you know Let's try one more time and if the last one had been a girl that would have been it But they uh, they wanted they wanted two boys

Two boys three girls. I don't even know how people we were just talking today because our our baby was sick all night We were up all night How people do that more than two is fucking crazy with two boys now one and three Yeah, it's fucking exhausting like your poor mom. Yeah. Yeah, we always think about because like two Lays us out. We're like, how do people do four five six? What the fuck is going on their thing was just to get us into activities Like they didn't want to sit around the house like I was a reader Uh, so I could I kind of go off on my own, but they were like my my sisters were big in ice skating

So they were like they get up early six to five in the morning and drive them to their skating rink and skate for hours Oh my god, and then after school go skate for hours that uh, that they just try to keep us busy smart. That's what I want to do sports Yeah Preferably martial arts to make them into killers. That's what I'd like I tried that and I tried martial arts. I like I worked in I did jujitsu I like a year and like thought I was tough, you know, and it wasn't just jujitsu It was like street smart jujitsu like what you would really do

That's what I want and my friends were just annoyed with me that like you this guy is so cocky And then we almost got in a fight one night outside like a place called Eden Park, which is a very Pittsburgh like diner 24 seven what kind of these older kids jump out of a van Like you guys want to fight and I'm like we have to fight we got to fight You know like whatever like totally confident and they go to like fake swing at me You know you like try to get you some of the flinch and instead of like doing like a block I went like And like like kind of like made that noise

And I just put my elbow up like I wouldn't have blocked the punch at all It was gotten leveled and the guys just laughed and got in the van drove away I looked at my friends and I was like I can't believe I've been studying the ship for a year And that was my reaction to a real fight like I'm done with this Yeah Yeah Like now I box as like an exercise and they'll be like so do you think you're like a better fighter? And I'm like I'm not a fighter. No like I couldn't fight anyone

I know enough about boxing that I would get my ass handed to me if I ever tried to fight anyone Yeah, you know it like teaches you respect for it. Oh my god. I did a boxing I mean I boxed like once a week now with a trainer And even that you'll feel humbled by but if you go into I've been to a class With more people And you're doing drills and then you're like this fucking 16 year old could light me up. Oh my god And you're like this kid could kill me He's 16 the person who got me into at first was like literally fought for Bellator

She was a female MMA fighter Who like that was what she did all day and then trained people and at the end she was like I'm retiring I'm leaving. I'm going to like Europe to go to grad school And she's like, how do you feel about everything? And I was like, I don't know like I feel like we're working on this for like a year And when we're like sparring I feel like I'm never like any better, you know, like I'm never like I haven't gotten good. She's like Anthony You're sparring with me

Like I'm a professional like I'm like I'm like I do this all day long all night long. That's all I think about and I was like Oh, okay. Yeah, I feel better about it. Yeah. Yeah. I like training with girls because you know, they will whoop your ass Yeah, but it's still like it seems more it seems more like exercise. I think with the guy you'd get aggro Yeah, that's true. Yeah I also had this thing where if you're not used to being on the receiving end of a punch Uh, like immediately when like for me when somebody like started I was like I was always just like jumping back. They're like, we're we haven't done it yet. I was like, I know I'm waiting for it and they're like, yeah, you can't wait for it

You gotta just react Well, you think about it like in the movies where you're not supposed to get hit ever Like that's a successful fight as they never touch you and you're like, no fights go like that No, like you just got to take the punch in the best way possible and then react to it Yeah, my problem. My frustration is range. Like I don't know my own range I'm always throwing punches that I can't don't come close to connecting right and I'm like, uh, what am I doing? What's going on here? But I like uh kung fu like a punching bag. I did kung fu in the park Uh, my late 20s with this like double black belt

Uh, little asian girl. No, it's fucking great. It wasn't griffith park and we meet like every saturday That shit would break me down It was so much exercise and then I'd go eat bean and cheese burritos at yuka's And then completely negate any sort of way to do it. That's what you're supposed to do Go to mcdonald's after I try most workouts burn between eight and 12,000 calories But I loved feeling like I could it put a level of confidence in my body You know, not that I was thinking about fighting people, but it did help me stand Properly and be like fuck you like my attitude had changed and made you feel less helpless

Like if I had to fight like I would be better off, you know, then then before like I have a lot of dreams Like nightmares where I need to punch someone, but I can't really that's recurring Yeah, like I just can't even lift my arm that I'm like, maybe if I if I if I box like I've got a punching bag Hanging in my condo like that. I use it It's like a like a like a nice leather one that I use all the time that I just like I want to rid myself of that anxiety of not being able to throw a punch I wonder that is an anxiety dream. Yeah, I have a recurring dream that I still have a day job It's the last boss that I had

Yeah, and I'm like, I'm not a comedian yet and I'm just stuck. I'm trapped You know, like I'm doing the same shit every day. I'm same boss I wonder what that's all about talk about my shrink. Wow. What's your recurring dream? Just tying up girls and putting them in trunks You know, that's but it's like it's a pleasurable. Yeah, it's a fun dream You know, you know, like you have a dream where you win the lottery And then you wake up and you're happy for like a minute and you're like, fuck I didn't win the lottery I used to have dreams about zombies like horrible nightmares like night terrors where I was like

I would wake up in the fetal position totally balled up like terrified From these dreams and I would have them every night Different kinds of zombies my friends are getting eaten. I know you just know inevitably you're going to die And I would wake up literally in a covered in sweat like in a ball And then I would wake up and it was the opposite of the lottery dream I would look outside and be like, oh, it's I'm an la it's sunny la and I would be so happy That I would make myself keep having them like I would read books about zombies And I would watch every zombie movie because it felt that good to come out of it felt so good to wake up in the morning and be like

Oh And the people like you're insane like that's like not something normal people do but I was like no It feels so I'd rather like my sleep is awful and then my day is like no zombies You know you know you're having terrifying dreams like if you were almost having to been in a car accident Yeah, I just pretend that I was in the car accident And then hit a button And then erased it. Oh and then you feel like a god like it feels like really it's a good way to go through life And just pretend the bad things happen grateful and then like you get out of yeah

It's like my my my day job dream and I wake up and I'm like, oh, thank jesus christ I'm just gonna go to a podcast talk about farting for eight hours. I haven't terrified I've had terrifying dreams like of like there's almost like apocalyptic things happening You know and like the in a car accident, but then There's people chaos in the streets and I'm trying to get my kids into a safe place. Really? You know in 15 years, you've never told me a dream Like you don't dream I do dream you don't share them. I wish you would that's the first time I've ever heard you describe a dream That's because Anthony's here speaking. How did you handle the uh, how'd you just handle the earthquake?

Don't give a shit You weren't like you didn't feel it? Fuck yeah, we fucked it Felt it but it didn't scare me because I was here in the 90s in the big earthquake in north ranch So I was like this ain't shit Uh, that one was kind of long. It was like never any shit. It was 10 seconds, man I've never been afraid of an earthquake in LA like I've always been like this is kind of fun Like but that one the last one the last big one that night like even in the morning that morning

I'm like in bed and I'm feeling and I'm hearing things fall downstairs But I'm like, uh, like if you know if I go I go whenever I'm in my bed and in the evening there's like I had decorators come in and do my place And They put up like a Buddhist like bell like that you would ring before you meditate There's like this red bell that I've never touched And things are swaying and I'm like, oh this is going well and then the bell starts swaying so much It's ringing and I'm on the top floor of my apartment building. So people are texting me

And they're like, what do we do? What do we do? And it's like everyone's like don't go outside and they're like We should be on the top floor So if the building collapses, we're first out of the rubble So I'm sitting there hosting like eight people drinking wine and we're just watching the bell still swaying It's not ringing anymore, but it's still going and we're just like waiting for it to stop And they're like we should get earthquake kits and I'm like we should get helmets So when we're like in the rubble right and then someone's like asshole, that's not how buildings collapse like it's gonna fall over Like being on the top floor is not going to help you. We're all gonna die for sure. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucked up

It's just fucked up. Wait, let me ask you this So when you because your special just came out like what a month ago Like two months ago two months ago Do you are you right now doing like 10 15 minute spots or whatever or no? I was immediately I try like I tried to immediately like as soon as I would tape the special I buy a new computer You know and I'm like I start working on the next hour and I had two stories That I liked a lot one was about trying to do stand-up at San Quentin penitentiary

And one was about some lesbian friends who asked me to be a sperm donor And then we're like we changed our mind And so I'm telling those stories and like making them as good as I can But I'm like this doesn't really feel like my stand-up that I just was like, you know what? Excuse me I'm I was gonna do test these out on stage and I'm gonna burn them in late night on late night shows like do them Like I'm on the couch like Seth Meyers. Yeah, I'm telling Jimmy Kimmel this and now I'm starting from scratch So I'm I'm about to like literally start today

Like I have an idea that I'm going to start working on and see if I can build it out You know my last special I had this abortion story of taking a friend to get an abortion And just it was so fun to write because I would I had the bit and then every night when I was driving to the comedy store I would think of a tag or something new to try and that was fun It was more than just having a one-liner that worked or it didn't Do you sit at a laptop and type stuff out? You do. Yeah, I'm very like I can't write with a pen Because I edit and I write I write sentences like I break them up the way that I would pause You know what it'd be like. So I went to the store

And bought myself a glass of milk, you know what I mean? Like I paused I almost ready Yeah, yeah, so I can see um Because you know your deliveries that way. Yes, and it's easier to see if I have any extra words Because I wanted to be as few words as possible And it's like it's easier if you write if you just write like a paragraph. You can't really yeah Do you get into this because this is where I'm right now? I was wondering like I never talk about that much other comics, but like so I'm like four months to craft from I'm very into my craft, but I'm like four months from shooting right now

and you know, I've been touring for a while and I feel like you know, I've built up it's to that point now I could be like an 85 minute show not that I would Release that but like that's how long the show can go and I go I want to be I want to use my time in town to like Work on something else, but I'm like my mind is just like that 85 minute show So when I go to spots, I feel like it's like masturbatory where it's just a

you know doing 15 minutes from the big show I I can't even I can't get my mind to Once I build a show that size I have to like shoot it before I can like open up 100% I'm exactly the same one. Like I'm like I understand people who do it and I respect it Like Jerry Seinfeld has like two different acts, you know, like two completely different acts I can't do that. I've got to have the one and focus on it until I tape it

And then never do it again. Yeah, never do it again. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I know it makes me feel good Um, that's what I'm here. Wait. Hold on. I gotta ask you I love this process because I'm a type or two. I do both. I have journal journals I make notes, but then I have to have it In my computer exactly as you say with the pauses in there and the the word economy That's so great. Phyllis Diller said that her big thing was editing not writing and it sounds like you're similar because you're every The economy of of your words is just fantastic. Oh, thank you. You don't waste you don't waste the frame Not a fucking syllable. No, how long I mean, I don't know tell me about it

I just you were always like that more. No, he was from the very beginning. Yeah, I just I mean Jack handy was my big influence Like jack handy and he wrote like that. Oh, yeah, and I just found that jokes were better the shorter that they were Like I I'm aiming for perfection. I'm aiming for brilliance You know, I think maybe in each of maybe I've done four hours of comedy Maybe I've got 20 jokes that are legit brilliant You know, but that's what my goal each time and it's hard to get people to like guess to go the different ways You've got to have

You know a red herring in there throw them off a little bit think they know where you're where you're going And just the shorter it is word-wise and I take long pauses so people can still have their imaginations start going But I want those words to be as short as possible to give them as little wiggle room as possible I'm going to lead them right into the kill shoot if you will love it I think a good thing like a really good thing Is that you actually? Articulate and say that you're going for Brilliance you want it to like I feel like I don't know a lot of comics would be like like the natural way is to be like

No, I want it to be good But almost Insecure self-conscious about saying I want it to be great, you know, I mean for some reason there's like a hesitation to to embrace wanting to be Top tier. Yeah, I've never understood that I've always been like you want your quarterback to be the most confident guy in the world whether he's right or wrong

You know right that people are like, I'm not an artist man I'm just a guy who goes up on stage and grabs a mic and I'm like you are I'm an artist. Yeah, you know, I mean I take this very fucking seriously People pay money to come see me and I want them to know that I'm like I've given this my absolute best and I think it's brilliant before I go on tour again. I'm not I love that I love it. I love it. Would you consider yourself a perfectionist? No, but I would consider myself More sensitive to embarrassment than most people

That I really feel it like I don't mind bombing. I understand it's part of it But I really feel it that I'll make sure that doesn't happen again You know, if I do if I'm doing crowd work and it goes wrong I know goddamn well how I'm going to handle it next time if that situation pops up You know, I would call it like chinks in your armor, you know that like you you're you're wearing this Suit of armor you get a hole in it. You patch it up. No one's breaking through that patch Right ever again. So I just think I'd like I think I take it more seriously And some people do like you see comics do the same joke that doesn't work over and over again

like I would try it twice maybe and then be out of there You know indexers come up with a new joke because I can't stand I'll have jokes that I think are great and the audience is like no, this is not great I'm like you don't get it And they'll talk me out of it after four or five times because I'm like, why am I dealing with this? Right, you know where sorry, you mean why am I sticking to why am I taking why am I taking the l on this joke? Right, you know, it's a dead silence every time

What's the point it is insanity sometimes where you can fucking tour for 16 months and do a joke 180 times and be like man, it's always like A six or a seven or something right and then one day for whatever reason you're tired And you say it differently and it becomes better and you're like Motherfucker like I I can't believe I stuck to saying it The mediocre way for that long, but it is something we're like

I don't know if it's like being married like being precious with it But in my mind sometimes I'm like that's how the joke goes It goes this mediocre route and then you need a surprise to take you out of it with me I I don't mind Leaving a couple cards hanging if you will, you know, this one's like I got I could guess that joke It's like, yeah, I want you to guess a couple Right because then that really fucking knocks you over when I when I come up with the one that you think you've got You know, like if you can't guess any of them, then you give up

But if you can guess a couple then you're like you're hanging on my every word trying to get there That's true and you can really knock so do you feel like audiences playing that game with you a lot? Or they're like, we'll see where they are with you people whispering like it's almost like watching jeopardy You know, someone's like what is what is like? You know, like I hate it. Yeah, I would hate that too. Like stop fucking trying to guess the punchline dickhead Let me let me Nurtain you let me give you the surprise. Yeah, just sit back and enjoy it Yeah, it'd be like watching a movie and being like they're gonna get together in the end

You're like, I know But you don't have to say yeah, so that's a fun. Do you said you're not on tiktok though? Or you are I don't even know what it is. Okay tiktok is um uh app where people put Uh, why don't you explain it? Okay? It's kind of like um, it's like a vine But with music and so people can like lip sync along to their favorite songs

Right, so it's just like you just browse through people, but I've curated a special collection Um of people that don't necessarily play music But they're just special. Are you guys asking me to leave? Are we do we are we gonna show him I mean I special curations I would I was on the gram. I've noticed you're not on the gram. Why is that? Okay? That's very upsetting I'm not a picture guy. I feel like it's I just it seems show offy to me It is um and I am people who do it. I'm like, yeah, I totally get it Uh, even twitter if I get like twitter's like I could put my tour dates up. I can be like retweet things. That's fine

I'm not on facebook It's and I just instagram didn't interest me and then everything that's come out after instagram I've just been like no, yeah, I don't blame you, but I'm like cool and hip and I like to keep up with stuff I don't blame people who have it. It's just not for me. Well, I know but you're not cool. You're not trying to keep up with Stuff you're showing the same ones. Haven't I sent you fresh ones? These are the fresh ones I mean I curious Why do I go through such lengths to bring you good content? I mean the disdain that you have in your face Is right on it's it's exactly where it should be. I mean the fact that she keeps using the word curate

Like she's fucking indiana jones This is by the way what I have to fucking fall asleep to Like I'm I'm in bed watching actual entertainment. He watches serial killers murderer Whatever you watch murder shows and stuff before you go to bed I used to I got like I got just murdered out. Yeah, you did. Yeah It was like making a murder was like I was like I've seen this story too many like I just know I know the beats. Yeah, you know what I mean that I'm just like I'm over it It's like if you watch the first 48 you're like you watch enough of them and you know, I got it. I got it. Yeah

Yeah, I know. Well, that's what happened with I think like most studio movies now too. It's like I watch a trailer I'm like I already know this movie You know, I mean like as soon as you see the trailer I'm like unless for some reason I want to see it I know the movie front to back Yeah, I mean he gets mad at me because we'll be watching a movie and I'll get up to go take a piss or something And he's like you're not going to ask me to pause it. I'm like, I'll figure it out. It's not that fucking complicated There's nothing happening here. But like I can't wait tonight for the documentary of uh, the girl who got her boyfriend to kill himself Yeah, like I can't wait for that. Is that on

It's a two-part HBO thing starting tonight. I love the one about the inventor The girl who like was like I've got this blood thing. You know, I love the fan. Oh, yeah, we saw that Frauds are amazing. I love frauds. Frauds are good. Con stories are great Yes, I do too. Have you ever read the book uh, 48 Laws of Power? No It's a I mean it's a cliche book almost and it's like the 48 things you do if you want to attain power Like self-help kind of but each law is filled with stories of people throughout history Who either succeeded with that law or fucked it up and were killed because of it that it's like one of the most Interesting books I've ever read and most of them are con artists. It's like this is the guy who sold the Eiffel Tower

To a businessman and here's how he did it, you know, like when he thought the guy was wavering He asked him for a bribe, you know, because the guy was like this is too good to be true And it was like how about a little something for me and it was like, okay, I trust you now Here's here's the here's the money for the Eiffel Tower that like I love stuff I love those con stories. Yeah, that was like that. Um Catch me if you can thing too. Remember like that too the cab that guy was like the ultimate con I feel like you can you can't even be that good of a con now with digital technology I mean, I think you just have to be have to be like a hacker. Yeah, you know, you know, you got to be like rihanna in the movie

Yeah, exactly. Uh, why don't you show anything what you curated? This is one of my talents that I found I'm sure you'll love this I swear if I give one more comment saying that I'm obsessed Psycho or look like Dwight from the office. Your ass is gonna get blocked. You hear me? You will be blocked You're nothing but a over a bulkhead To put it bluntly a weed Okay

Do you want to get on tiktok? So what so what so? So, yeah, no, no all yeah There's a lot of preoccupation with haters And how do you deal with the haters and the people that aren't into your tiktoks the mantles just one approach But so that was that was just a girl filming herself saying those words. Yeah Yeah, and it's you're supposed to do music and stuff But some people choose not to and those that's the avenues those are the avenues I choose to go down

Is she trying to be funny or is she addressing her? No, I think she's addressing your haters I advise the croissants instead of the biscuit ones. Listen here. I'm not British. You're fucking twat. I want my fucking biscuits I don't want no bagel croissant your fucking knob That one I kind of like because it was amusing and I like just dance move and I like the rhyme so I mean amusing it wouldn't be the word I would use First it's not that I'm horny all the time. It's just that you are always so fucking sexy This gentleman likes to wear um vampire teeth a lot and he sometimes dances with handcuffs

She knows them. She knows what do you think I still don't understand what tiktok is or why it is I Live my life by a simple credo. You stand behind me. I'll protect you stand beside me. I respect you You stand against me I'll end you What if you stand in front of them? What if you just like in line at the vape store? Like how does he feel about you that? What do you think though? I I'll tell you what I think

I can't wait until these people start trying to do stand-up. Yeah, because they always do I loved watching youtube stars and vine stars go get their lunches eaten Trying to make a living on stage on stage. It's always like the people from girl code would go on a tour and you'd be like love Well, you know, I ended up happening with a lot of those too. It's like because I remember I remember When that show was like first huge and and I and I would show up at a club And they were like, oh someone from girl code Was here and I'm like, how'd that go and they're like, oh like sold out like eight shows. I'm like, what?

This person who's like and they're like 21 And I was like, was it good and they're like Well, she had like 20 minutes So then her friend did 20 and then another we brought in somebody else Locally the dude 20 and then we realized that wasn't enough So the next day we had to get two more locals that each do 20 and I was like And and they're like, oh the audience seemed to her fans loved it. Yeah Okay

I'm like eight shows sold out here from that shit And that was like immediate and they all had that for a minute, but then oh goes away immediately I mean as soon as that as soon as the show's off the air or like they see you once And they'll do it because they just want to see you Yeah, you after like if you didn't do a meet and greet after that, there'd be a riot Yes, but they do those and then the people just forget about them. Hey guys Yeah, that's that's that's your first five But how's everyone doing? How are we doing guys? I love you and I love that you love me

Hi But they're they're capitalizing off. No, they are. I mean, yeah, I get it. Do I have any other ones to show the tech talks? Uh, I'll bring up a batch from last week. Yeah, I mean Yeah, I mean it was really into it So I don't want to like make him feel like he didn't get what he wanted Anthony will appreciate because I saw smile on his he doesn't smile very often now We're talking I'm smiling in a way of like I'm not smiling about about what you think I'm smiling about I'm not smiling

Well, what do you think I'm smiling about but but you enjoy Mental illness as much as I oh my god. I feel like you do Sure, but not this is like This is a good one for you. This is good. If someone was taping this guy without his knowledge. I'd be like, all right Let's what's watch Never date a yandere yandere is the Japanese line for basically a woman who loves you so much. She's willing

to kill anybody who Basically lays eyes on you trying to get a hold of you and I know some of you in the comments You're gonna say, huh, you never have someone like that to be honest I wouldn't want someone like that Because she would kill my sister my mother my grandparents anybody who even looked at me remotely They'd be dead because she's so lovey-dovey that she goes insane and then wants to trap me in a fucking basement Good night. Yay. Wait. No. I mean she would

I like to watch these so these can be as long as You don't get 10 seconds to tick tock you can tick tock all night if you want to know they're they're capped at like 30 seconds But sometimes some of them feel longer. So what did you I mean? That's a good one, right? I don't understand why he's talking about like a Japanese thing when he's clearly describing a Puerto Rican woman This is uh Oh, you got more. Oh, yes This was really y'all I got four pennies one two three four

Bet you no one can not catch it. Throw it up and catch all of them at one time Ah Do you guys do this with every desk where you're like Anthony's coming in We got to do something nice for them Let's show them a bunch of the worst people in the world who also have cameras on their phone I just wanted you to get it. What was your expectation? I just want to spread joy

I just wanted to know what you thought I feel like you're Insightful person. This is literally I'm not exaggerating What's going on two feet from me at night as I got here like any of your faux panties going I'm like what? And then she's like I'm watching tiktoks. I'm like, okay And then she's like, oh, you're watching a serial killer documentary. You're crazy. I'm like, I think you might be crazy You're you're actually staying on this app for an hour. I enjoy it Well, you know why I find entertainment. Okay guys, we're gonna do a guy acting like a cow Oh

See these these remind me of like when american idol like when the people would come on and they knew they were bad Yeah, they were like trying to and it was like this isn't the same. I want you to I want you to think you're good Yes, and fail. I would that would be funny these people this guy It's a pretty good cow impression, but I I get no I think he's sincere. Are you doubting his sincerity? The guy was like look at my teeth. How can I get into showbiz one way in one way only? I'm gonna be a cow And then he did he seems pretty simple

Here's a little funny story My friend just texted me and told me my ex parry is in jail I wish I could find out for what I don't know if anybody can find out for me. Let me know Okay, thanks. I think all right. I feel like I'm on a date with this. He's on sorry like you got I've told you I'm not interested Nothing about my body language has told you that I'm into this and yet you persist Yeah, it feels like an awkward fingering. Yeah Okay, I just thought I don't know it's something you be into You didn't like it all right

I'm so glad I mean I hated it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you like I hated But that's what happens at first and then you get you push past that and then it starts to get fun Yeah, I could send you a link if you want to uh, we could put them all together for you I mean Sometimes I wonder like what would life be like if I had kids and now I know He would be into that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's unlimited. I don't leave the house very often. So I gotta look for fun on the internet You'll find it one day

Unbelievable He didn't like it. So what? Yeah, he didn't like it. So he definitely show him your violent stuff Like what? Your all-time smash hits. Oh Okay, I bet you'll find this one more. I guarantee. I like yours. There's no way I could like it less Well, you two are you know, okay, I could be getting beaten up in these videos and I would like it more than what we just saw They Joy look at the laughter on his face. He hasn't had this much fun this whole time

Oh Look how happy he is now. He's sick. Fuck's both of you That is the biggest smile I've ever seen on his face. No, I'm he's never laughed that hard in his whole life. That was great Yeah, get that guy a tiktok man I Was another car. Yeah, I remember this one you like even more Was that like a remote control car the guy Where he was trying to guide someone who did not a drop he made it was a guy driving stick. I think was like

Didn't know how to do it. Didn't know how to pull off that that clutch, you know Smart stand in front of a guy like that Oh So that was taiwan now we're over with the ruskies, you know, they don't give a fuck about human life Look how happy Anthony It's so much better. I mean this drama excitement Yeah, you believe the screams. Yeah, what about the one um the airlift

In the dog. Do you have the one of the the 70 year old woman being airlifted out of the park? Oh Now that one I I would that one really makes me look for it. Give me a sec. Sure. Sure. Sure. Yeah We ended up having to uh, we had to cut out something from last week. I didn't realize I was like, it's pretty funny and then they're like that guy's dead. I was like, oh Yeah, yeah, because we found out that the uh, that tai taiwanese guy the one with the car backed into You know, like when dr. Drew came on he's like his legs are for sure gone Then we found out a listener in taiwan was like this was actually on the news here and amazingly that guy was fine He he didn't have shattered legs or anything. Huh? Yeah, but this is pretty fun

This one's perfect. So this is a 74 Year old woman who was on a hike. I've seen this. Oh, you've seen it. Okay. Play it anyways. It gives me a gig. Yeah, it is kind of fun My mom is in there, right? I didn't know they kept trying to lower it back down and bring it back I thought they just just like I will do this. I didn't know that that's what was happening either much momentum Holy shit All right, you go slow slow that down. Yeah. Yeah

this way all the the vomit and shit that's tied up in there will kind of Stick towards the feet Jesus. Yeah Yeah That's good times. What do you like watching it? Do any what makes you laugh besides murder stuff like tom likes? um What makes me what are you watching right now? Can you even watch comedies? No, I don't watch a lot. You know what I loved that I recently saw was um I think you should leave. Oh my god, shim Robinson. Oh, did we watch that?

Yeah, we tore through that. It is so far through it one night. I was just like losing it funny That was good. That's the hardest stuff gets me absurdism gets me. Yeah people are like, oh, this is dark. You'll love it like this That's what I do And I do it better than whoever the fuck you're recommending. So I don't need to watch it Um, and it's not going to inspire me. It's just going to eliminate things that I maybe could have done Yeah, that uh that I love a really absurd. Yeah, me too. And and what I really enjoy is a straight man You know what I mean? Like and especially in Tim Robinson's show the people who are playing the straight man

Like in that opening sketch where he has to open the door. Yeah, and when they cuts back to the boss just looking at him with Like a total blank face is hilarious to me. Like those things really killed me. Well, that the best thing To me, I love that that show takes will take an absurd You know a premise or like an angle on something but commits so hard to like keep it grounded And you know like when he gives the present to the guy Um, the receipt thing is yeah My favorite though. What was your favorite? What was your favorite sketch of the whole thing? That party went the one where they're at the party and the gift the receipts

The receipt is great. I mean, I love the the the car the old guy car thing, you know, oh, that was the best one It was my least favorite. Really? Yeah, I love I love that guy for me at the baby pageant Oh, that was so fun. Yeah, when like the audience when they do the in the morium Brett and he goes like they don't normally say how they die on the thing and it's like everyone's like an old person with like Throat slashed I know for my dumb truck. Yeah, that was like killing me. So yeah, the cutest baby They just killed it the whole way through man that that's I mean it was a great amount of time It's like 16 17 minutes. You just couldn't just like oh my god, and then they got reordered. Yes. So that was that was awesome

Yeah, that you watch and you're like, oh, this is why uh S&L Isn't like what it used to be. Yeah, because like they people like this aren't allowed to do what what uh What they used to do right, you know, it was so good. He wrote he was a writer on s&l and He was he got hired as an actor and then they demoted him to writer which is like the most humiliating shit ever It's like just fire me. Yeah, don't like make me do this

Uh, but he is just amazing on that show. It's so funny That's the fun. That's the funniest thing that I've seen In a long time where like I actually enjoyed it And felt like I felt like a kid watching stuff, you know when you like used to watch your favorite Show as a kid. You're just like howling, but you're 14. That's how I felt watching that show And I had so many friends who were like oh an episode three this thing happens And I'd be like afterwards the big what was it was it? He's like when he says they used their bones for money I just kept rewatching like everyone had their own favorite thing that I was like these are all

These are all amazing. Oh, I love the fucking I loved the taco Restaurant date where he's like, can you go he tells the server She's eating like all the good times The nachos the nachos and she's eating all the good ones and the can you sit in the guy's doing a talk to her? Yeah, and you like you feel like that way sometimes, right? And then she comes over and she's like, did you tell him to say it? No Yeah, I laughed like

There are sketches that tom and I for the last 15 years will reference Like tim and eric stuff. Yeah a couple weird ones. We like tiny hats. You were seeing that sketch Tiny hats isn't open on sunday. They are now still say that's a good one in our house I was big. I was a huge mr. Show with a bob and david guy so much so that when I got into comedy I was like i'm gonna be like bob odenkirk. Yeah, i'm gonna be like these guys And then they did a tour It was called hooray for america like right after 9 11. They did a tour That was just like a best greatest of or whatever and I was like so excited like and I had no money when I moved out here

But I bought two tickets. They were the worst tickets in the house And then they added a second show after that so it was like fuck. I could have gotten better tickets, whatever But I go and they were having mic problems It was all they were on wireless mics and there's so many of them always wireless mic suck Yes, that it was like it just kept cutting in and out. You couldn't hear anything That I was and then they were like they had to do a second show So they were like sorry like good night and I was so devastated That I was like fuck those guys like fuck them forever and it like honestly probably saved me as a comic

Because I would have kept so many guys were going down that bob and david Yeah, that it made me like reject it just by seeing that show that i'm like that upset you so much Yeah, I was you're very much into like that door is closed and the door is closed. Yeah with the wow I bet when you cut someone out of your life, they're fucking out dead. Oh 100% I've had people like be like I really want to apologize for it. I'm like rejected Wow I remember doing the groundlings in like 2002 going to school there and discovering Bob the mr. Show and going to one of those

The video stores and renting all and being like this is Same thing like is amazing and college I would try to get people to watch it my friends to watch it because it was on when we were in college And they were like what is it? We don't care. This is stupid. Yeah when I was in high when I was in like eighth grade I tried to get people to watch the Ben Stiller show And no one watched that like I was the only one who was into things like that I took a groundlings class when I first moved out here I did a little bit of stand-up and I was like I'll take some improv too

And I get into like the 101 class and I'm like really enjoying it and it's like all these like Dorks who think they're going to be on SNL in three years and they're all the same But I'm the funniest guy in the class like no doubt And at the end of the class They send us all out into the hallway and then I'm going to call you one by one And we're going to tell you if you're going to skip a level Go to the next level Or retake this level

And we're talking and everyone's like oh anthony like you're definitely skipping a level. I'm like oh, thank you Like I hope you do too like yeah, I see you guys like on like on the main stage And I go in the room And the woman goes uh anthony you're going to retake 101 I go what are you talking about like I'm the funniest guy in the class Yeah, she goes you're funny and you can't teach funny. So that's like, you know, good for you You have a head start But we're trying to teach you how to be other other people different characters here and you're always anthony

And you know, I kind of took a norm mcdonald approach of like i'm i'm these different characters, but i'm always still me Yeah, yeah, and I just went you know what? anthony's fucking hilarious and I got up and left and never took improv again Went and just did like I was like i'm gonna do stand-up like Stand-ups for me And I wonder if I would be like a better actor now if I kept on doing a little improv But I just maybe ucb had been around yeah, maybe different No, you did the right thing

I wouldn't just take a ground link show and I was like this is what we're fucking Oh, it's a garbage. Where did you get this from this belief in yourself? When did your mom tell you you were great or did they tell you you were a piece of shit? I mean neither one. I mean they they were always like, you know, you're not special, but like you're smart You read a lot, you know, you could do great things I think the confidence just came from you know, proving myself of like I One of the hardest things about stand-up comedy is just how scary it is and once you get through that You know, then I was like, okay, like I did I conquered no, but you've been you've been like this since day one

I feel like I feel like even as a little 20 year old Baby comedian you had something in you Like you to tell the ground links to go fuck themselves You know that you don't do that at 20 something you go like, oh, they know better than me Maybe they're right I mean if I had seen their show and it was like amazing I would be like oh like my big thing in la was comedy death ray Yeah, comedy bang bang lago Yeah, I was like these guys are cool if I can get in with them that means I'm cool too

And so I built my act trying to impress them and once I got in there Once I did they had like a you know, best new comedian show and I killed on it that I was like, okay Like I'm on the right path and then the confidence grew like it started out as fake That's what I was that's what I was about to say You had to have been like Knowing that like it's probably a lane and you want to be that but it's not genuine until until you earn it Exactly. You're just like you're being dead pan because you're so nervous And it becomes confidence because you're like, oh no now I believe this

Yeah, like and it goes from even like now. I believe it to now. I know it That like that's even like another step of confidence that if someone was like I despise you and everything you've ever like done in comedy and be like Doesn't affect me in the least. Yeah, I'm the shit. I know it. It'd be like watching a mosquito on tv Yeah, you know, like you can't you can't affect me at all. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. You fake it fake it till you make it for sure Yeah, for sure Um If you have not yet seen fire in the maternity ward watch it

It's on netflix look out for the comedy central show coming up in september Good talk with anthony jesselnick up coming september on friday nights and the podcast the jesselnick and rosenthal vanity project jrvp Find the waiver podcasts are sold. I'm so glad we were able to do this man. Absolutely. I hope I pray That maybe just maybe You have Uh influenced christina to stop tick talking I was I was hoping you were gonna say I'd hope you'd come back as a guest and I was gonna be like Maybe if christina gets some more tick talk

Thank you You have an open invite anytime you want to come on. We would love to have you on. Thank you. You're the best. You're the best anthony Thank you. This is uh, why am I trapped by the cinemas? See you guys next week I'll keep the jeans high and tight piss on me beat me and try it out I just might got a new private jet from mommy peel. Let's take flight got a chain like tommy buns, but it's not as bright Yeah, no invite so you can't come like josh potter. I'm a champ. So, you know, I drink my water You're a mommy. Oh cool. Nice to meet you to all the beautiful ladies. Let me eat you more than a splash of milk

I kill barista don't prolapse your anus. What the doctors or teacher? I disabled this be completely retarded. I got the fart. My foot. I think I sharder Whoa, uncle terry tom and josh are very hairy need to men's skip all the berries while I sleep up on my luxury Mattress that I got from saffa. You want your mom's house?