Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 514-Jo Koy-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 29, 2019

If you were about to get out of jail, what meal would you fantasize about? Who is Randy? These questions are all answered, and more, right off the bat! The Mommies are back from vacation, they are wondering why they took their children. Good thing they could put on "The Perfect Smile." Do you pee in the pool? Are you racist in parking lots? The fattest comedian working today just put out a dancing video, some people loved it - one person did not. We also get an update about Josh Potter's new business and, of course, TikToks. Jo Koy is a great stand-up comedian, who is known all over the world. He discusses his recent successes in Hawaii and elsewhere, performing in arenas. He also tells the Mommies about HIS Mommy not believing in him. Bidets, Japanese accents and Horrible or Hilarious are all discussed, plus TikToks... More TikToks.

Farts? Yeah. Are you ready to get into it? I missed our show so much, we were on vacation in Fartida and we just came back. It was really great to do it. Really great to go on a vacation, it's really great the vacation is over. I know. I've discovered I like, you know, seven days max for a vacation.

I know. We'll get into it. We'll get into it. But I want to know what's going on with this gent. Yeah. Well, let's get into it. Here we go. Here we go.

I've got a question for you motherfuckers, and I already know who I'm going to fuck when I get out. I got pussy lined up for like six months straight, but who's going to take me to go eat when I get out? That's true. Important question. Really important question. This shit is big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn when the fuck is dead. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom, soup soup. Tom, soup soup. Tom, soup soup.

Tom, soup soup. Tom, soup soup. Tom, soup soup. Tom, soup soup. Tom, soup soup. Tom, soup soup. Tom, soup soup. We were in Fartida this last week, and we were talking about who is Randy, you know?

Who is Randy? But that's not how he said it. I know. That's how you and Ryan Sickler say it when the two of you get together, but the truth of it is, it's just a sad guy, and he can't remember stuff. But all he remembers is that the wife jogs his memory by talking to him. Is Randy going to pull the car around? It's John Mackie, he's his name.

He's a Hall of Fame tie-in from the Baltimore Colts, and he has advanced dementia and CTE. No one should laugh. Yeah. Absolutely everybody laughs. Everybody was like, that's funny. Says the show built on what you shouldn't be laughing at. No, it's hilarious. No, it's funny.

It's one of the early real sports. They've done a ton of profiles now. This is back when they were like, is it possible that playing professional football might affect your head? And that question, people were like, there's no way. And then they're like, here's eight guys that played in the NFL in the 60s, and they eat through a straw. And then they interviewed these guys, and John Mackie was there.

He had sunglasses on, he had a cowboy hat on. He's sad, right? He's just looking around the room, and his wife was like, yeah, it's pretty terrible. She goes, he's always like, are you ready to go? And so she has to occupy his mind. This is the story of who's Randy, right? So she goes, I have to occupy his mind, because he's always like, are we ready to go? Like ready to go?

And you know, they're just sitting in the kitchen or something. And she's like, well, she made up a mechanic, a mechanic named Randy that's working on the car. So what'll happen is, by telling him that, that'll placate him for, you know? Right. Well, Randy's going to bring the car around. She's like, Randy's working on the car. Randy's working on the car.

So it's got to be well. He'll just kind of be quiet then for maybe another 20, 30 minutes. And then he'll be like, ready to go? And then she'll go, Randy's got to fix the car. He's like, okay. So she's telling that story to the interviewer. Yeah. And he goes, oh, really?

And he goes, John. And he's like, huh? He's like, is Randy working on the car right now? And then John Mackie goes, who's Randy? That's the Randy that we're here. So we always would go, who is Randy? Yeah. You guys jazz it up a little.

Yeah. It's more fun. You know what's funny is that now that we're an older married couple, I imagine me doing that with you. And that's why I like who is Randy a lot more because I imagine you losing your shit later in life. And that amuses you. I mean, it makes me, it makes me relate.

Tom. Tom. Tom. No, it'll be with a football game though. Like, is Florida stayed on tonight? Huh? Go Gators. Gators.

Gators. Gators. Yeah. I hate the Gators. Yeah. I hate Gators. That would be a really fucked up thing to do to an older man. If you really resent your husband or your father and you know he's a die hard sports fan,

I think a fun way to fuck with him as he's dying would be to constantly put on clothes of the team that he hates. He's in a coma. He's comatose and bad and he dresses him in his Gators like like Josh Potter's like, you know, he's going to get married and his wife's going to be like, I hate him. And then like as he's on his deathbed every day, she just puts him in Patriots gear and she's like, hi Josh. She's like, I put the Tom Brady jersey on you like you like.

Well that's what you realize is like we're halfway dead. We're middle aged. Right. And like you realize how tragic and horrible life is. It's coming up. All the bad stuff's coming up. It's all we have to look forward to. Hitting this age really sucks, you know, you just got to really try to enjoy things.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Really try to enjoy life because it's going to get really bad. Pretty soon. Yeah. It's not that long. We don't have much time. No.

Ten. Four. Five days. Ten good years. Fast. Yeah, I know. Fuck. Yeah.

Who is Randy? Uh. Who? Who? Who's Randy? I love that we opened on a clip of a guy who is posting from prison. Yeah. That he's like.

How do they do that? How do they get it? I'd always amaze me, like especially after watching TikToks as much as I do. This dude is posting. There are people posting TikToks from like Afghanistan that I reposted on my Instagram. I mean the prison. I'm like, how are these fools getting phones and downloading apps and shit? Like the prison, like I always, it made sense to me that people would steal or sneak phones

into prison because they'd go, you know, someone could sneak in a phone and the guy's able to talk, right? Sure. He's able to call people. But if he posts to social media, it aren't like the CO's and the warden like, hey, you know Carlos in D-Block? He's got a bunch of likes on his Instagram page. I know.

Maybe we should do a search of his room. I mean, this dude posted this on social media. I've got a legit question for you, motherfucker. It's a legit question. I already know who I'm going to fuck when I get out. I got pussy lined up for like six months straight, but who's going to take me to go eat when I get out? I know.

I agree. I actually really liked that because that'd be something you'd be thinking about a lot. A number one thought. Like, I understand sex is a priority, but food? Food's like a bigger priority. Dude, if I were in prison, that's all I'd be thinking about. Because you're eating bullshit every day. Bro, I was upset after our flight home from Florida because our food was subpar, a five

hour journey. And I was like, what the fuck are we going to eat, man? Of course. That's what you start thinking about. I mean, imagine you're locked up for like years. But that's why Danny Brown, remember when he taught us all those recipes for a tail? Yeah. And shout out to Danny Brown.

He's got a new show on Vice, right? Isn't it on Vice? What's it called? Danny Brown's basement or something like that? I feel like it's like a basement. I don't think it's Danny's house. Danny's house? Oh, he's so funny.

Danny's so great. And I'm really happy for him. I messaged him. You did? Yeah. Hi, Danny. We miss you. Come back.

He was super, you know. He's so rad. Cool about it. He's happy doing the show. It's really, I'm really happy for him. Danny's house. Danny's house. There you go.

Danny's house. It looks like he's having a blast on the show. He's so fast. It's dope. So congrats to Danny Brown. Please check out his show on Vice Land. I always remember when he told us that he bought a really expensive cape. Yeah.

Yeah. We're like, what should you not waste your money on? He's like, I got a cape. I got a $3,000 cape. He's like, he was in a war once and he's like, I might just give you that shit. So I'm never going to wear it again. I love him so much. Yeah.

Yeah. He loved jail. Well, he didn't. And we did love jail. Remember? He's like, I love jail. He's like, jail was the shit. Jail was fun.

Yeah. But he also, I'm pretty sure if I remember right, he made the distinction that he was in jail and not prison. Yes. Because that's a big, big difference. You know what I mean? Well, I loved his recipes. It always starts with crunching up Doritos.

Yeah. You got to crumble up Doritos and then wrap it in like cheese or something. I actually read this thing on Vice about the absolute, I think it's ADX. It's the most super max prison in America. Where is it? I think it's in Colorado. Really? I think it's called ADX prison.

It's where it's where, yeah. This is it, man. Dude, these guys, this is the worst place on earth. Oh, really? No. On earth. Ted Kuznicki's here, El Chapo's here. These motherfuckers are in solitary 23 hours a day.

Oh, dear. And then some of them are just being released like unknown, you know, not famous criminals are in there for like eight years in solitary. And then the prison's like, here's a bus ticket, have a go in. So these dudes go from like solitary for eight years to society. And then they're like, and guess what? They are committing horrific crimes. No.

Yeah. And they're like, Hey, that's weird. That's not exactly rehabilitation. Like this dude was in there for, I don't know how long it might have been like double digit years, got out and he was like, I'm going to fucking kill somebody. You know? Yeah, of course. He didn't make any normal person want to kill.

It absolutely has the most destructive effect on the humor. And it's also some of them are mentally ill and ADX has a policy where they don't house mentally ill people unless they're super violent. Then they're like, you can send them in. Then we'll house them. Oh, dear. And then how will you take care of them? We'll just keep them in solitary for like a decade and then we'll put them back out.

So that's a cool thing that's going on in this country right now is the really developed rehabilitation. Have you ever seen those documentaries on like Norway where there's just an island where they send people to and they don't have locks and they just kind of walk around the island and men and women are together and even people committing like, they're like, this dude commit armed robbery, but you know, he's growing roses now. They're absolutely gorgeous and we've got a bit of a problem in our country with incarceration. Like they really actually rehabilitate.

Yeah. I know. I've been, he was kidnapping people, but now he grows tomatoes and he's really, really turned his life. I go for a fag. My boy Hector. That's my day one. I make a state eating good.

So we're going to go eat. Hector. But after that, we're going to take me to go eat and I ain't trying to go eat at your fucking house. And he's fucking spelled ass fucking cereal. That's true. I'm talking about trying to eat. Yes, bro.

Where is he going to go? Where is he going to go? I gotta tell you, first of all, what I love about this dude is that he is making demands on you to take him and he's like, don't invite me over for some shit you're going to make. Take me to some five star shit when I get where what's your out of prison meal restaurant. You have to. It's a restaurant. Like he says, you can't go.

Oh, I think for me, I would, I would be really, I mean, there's a few, there's a few genres, right? There's like, I want to hit that steak house steak. I knew you're going to say steak. I want, I mean, you're definitely not, not Morton's because they no longer sponsor the show. Out of the game. But, you know, there's a lot of other places.

There's Larson's. I like Larson's. There's a Ruth's Chris. Ruth's Chris. Ruth's Chris's steak house. There's a, there's other places. I mean, I'd want to do a sushi meal, obviously prison sushi I hear is not the best. I definitely want to hit an Italy and Italian joint.

I'm trying to think. I would probably miss Italian food the most. For sure. Yeah. Maybe a pizza, like first. Pizza. I'd also be craving, my thought has to be craving some sweets too. You want pastries, but there's sweets in prison.

There's like candy bars and stuff. Yeah, but I'm saying like you go to like get like fresh, you know, doughnuts. Like a chocolate queso. Absolutely. Yeah. I hear you. Shit, man. I want my, I might want like McDonald's when I get out before I forget.

People have been asking and they sponsor us now. We want closure for the families. We want the victims to be heard. So we are finally putting it out there. Where are the bodies G T shirt? It is in the store right now. So G where are the bodies G get that shirt? A couple of other things that have been added to the merch store in recent weeks is Dr.

Drew whose show we produce here, Dr. Dr. Dr. Dark. He has a an official show shirt. Let's see. We have some invitation only, which is a big thing here. We're an invitation only show that is on there.

Thank you. Let's see. Bless you. Obviously 20 to 95 hat. There's some epic show posters from my take it down tour. There are very few left. We have put in T shirts from the tour with the remaining posters. So if you get any of those posters, you get the tour shirt with it.

Just comes with it for free and a bunch of other stuff. There's that 2019 new bikes design bikes. There's all the other stuff. It's all in the store now merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. Also just so you know, starting this week on the 30th through the second, it is a Labor Day sale. So if anybody wants to get any of those items, the sale is good for the entire store. Piss on me.

Beat me. YMH stuff. Jeans that all of it for stroking. You go to the store. The promo code is Jean J E A N J E A N. It is good from August 30th through September 2nd. You get 20% off everything in the store. Thank you.

That's merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura. Now one thing we rediscovered recently on this trip, well, first of all, I don't understand people how, how do you do it? How do people travel, not just the country, people travel the world with like babies? No, they're, yeah, they, and they love it. Let me tell you, we took our two children to Florida. It was horrible. And like, I mean, my cousin, he took a six month old to Tokyo.

Oh, I know. People love it. What? You took your kid to, baby. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. These are small animals.

They wake up early. They start running and throwing shit and drop kicking and pissing all over the place. I know. If you, little girls, they just sit in color. Hi. Yeah. Gentle. And then they're like, yeah, they don't pull your hair and scratch your eyes.

And then we dropped our kid off at school today and these two boys came up to us and they went, ahh! And I was like, whoa. No. You guys, tigers and the kid went, ugh. Yeah. And I growled back. It was like, alright.

I growled back. I was like, ahh. I was growling at my fucking kid. I was like, you guys are tigers, huh? And one of them was kind of chubby. I was like, this tiger's been eating a lot, huh? He is not a chubby tiger. He's not going to figure it out.

But let me tell you. So when I go to the spa, I eavesdrop on other moms and these one woman said to the other, she goes, would you rather go to Bali? Bali. Bali. Yeah. Okay. Would you rather go like second trimester pregnant or with a newborn?

And the other women go, oh, with a newborn. I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? Did you speak up? No. Because I was eavesdropping. You should have been like, you shouldn't have listened to these two dumb bitches. I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now.

Well, because you're still taking care of an infant. It's constant care. And now you're trying to do it when it's 110 outside in the human, and you're trying to have a good time. I guess there are people that can still have a good time and have their infants. I see them drinking and enjoying. I'm like, how the hell are you enjoying yourself? I had this real cool, this cool dude, French dude, was driving me in one of these cities

and he was like, yeah, I met a son with my lady, we're going to go back to France and we go to visit the family. And I go, when are you going? And he goes in a month and I go, you're going to go to France with your baby? And he was like, yes. And I was like, I wouldn't do that. Why? I was like, because it's a baby.

You're going to fly from Los Angeles to Paris and travel France with your five month old. I was like, I don't even take my kid to Target. And you're going to take your kid to fucking Paris. I know. Dude, we didn't take Julian out of the house until he was a year old. And we were like, nah, fuck it. They don't want to leave the house, man.

They don't want to leave until they can walk anyways, really. Yeah. You go for a walk around the neighborhood. That's enough for a little baby. But look, the traveling. They don't want it. I think it's chaos. Some people are natural that one of my other cousins is like, you should.

Why don't you take your kids with you when you go to your European tour? I'm like, yeah. That's a great idea. So they could not sleep all night. Because what happens on a time change is that your kids get all fucked up, right? Ellis is up at five in the morning. Julian's up at one in the morning. Nobody's sleeping.

Nobody's eating normally. It just wreaks havoc on everybody's life. It's the worst. It is. It's the fucking worst. And you can't relax when you're relaxing, man. That's the thing. Today I feel relaxed.

No. Me too. I'm so relaxed. I'm back from vacation. Me too. It's so relaxed. It's the day that I feel relaxed. I'm so relaxed.

Like I'm finally back at home. Yeah. I know my kids are cool. Systems in place. Now I feel cool. I agree. I had so much anxiety on that trip just taking care of the kiddos and then you're, you know, you see the in-laws.

It's stressful. It's always stressful. One thing we rediscovered on this trip is the perfect smile. That is perfect, Tom. That looks so good. You know that you have a winning look. Can I try it on too? Yeah, sure.

I would like a perfect smile. Hold on. Perfect smile is great if you don't have a great smile, although the company recommends that you don't wear it to eat, drink, talk, or work. Open your mouth. But other than that, you're in great shape. So with the perfect smile, we got, we got back into it. We had our family trying on their perfect smiles too, but it got me curious.

That is not what it looks like. And we had such a good time with the perfect smile that I had an idea and I don't want to go out and say something too crazy here, but I'm feeling pretty good about this. I would like to buy several of these and give them away to winning listeners. Just listeners that are proving to be top tier and we're going to develop a system. This is how you're supposed to wear the perfect smile. Of course. But with that, you can pass it around.

We can play with it. But these are meant to be like this. Well, now it's going to stick to your teeth and all right. Yeah. Is that better? I mean, yeah, it's not. It doesn't have the adhesive on it. No, you have to put the adhesive on there. Try it. I didn't know you could take them off like that.

OK, let's see if it looks better. Looks even more perfecter. It's a perfect smile. Oh, yeah. It feels good. Oh, my God, would you hire me to work here? You know, what's weird, though, is that the perfect smile actually fits the shape of your face and teeth better than me. Yeah, like it looks good on him.

Right? It looks like it kind of matches. I feel like I could work here. It's those teeth are so white. Yeah. Anyways, I'm going to purchase. I might actually purchase the company. How expensive could it be to buy the company the perfect smile? Well, look, it's like located in Siberia.

I've found them on Instagram. It's all in Russian. They're for sale. So if you don't mind, just look into it. And if you want to go ahead and advance the four hundred dollars that would take to buy the company, I'll pay you back. I mean, these are really the worst. These are like toys.

They're great. Do yourself a favor. Buy a perfect smile for this Christmas. Yep. It's so much fun. Hey, you're ready for some racism? Yeah, I want you here because you can't drive. You see, you crossed the line. I crossed the line.

You don't know a damn thing. Go back to China where you belong. Whoa. You fucking asshole. Chinky Chinky China lady. You fucking asshole. I like what she says. That was shot.

Do you know anything about that? No, I don't. Florida. Florida. What do you think? No, that's not. You fucking asshole. She said that really well.

No, that's not Florida. But it's a lady that could fit right in. That's what I'm saying. If she wanted to move there, Florida would be like, yeah, you can come back out. Chinky Chinky China lady. We don't, you know what? You give them, you give the people a bad name here. We hate you people.

Go back. Bring them along. Fuck you. Fucking cunt. You know what it is? Isn't it kind of like, do you think it's a thing? Because part of your mind when you see these video goes, you know, you're on camera. And like, she knows she's on camera.

So do you think you go for it more when you're angry because you know you're on camera or because like, doesn't part of your mind go, don't say something crazy because you're on camera? No, I put my this woman reminds me of my mom. My mom would do stuff like this. Yeah. People like her get hyped when they know there's an audience. Oh, right.

She likes the audience. She wants to be famous. Yeah. No, she likes the. There was one at a restaurant, like about a month ago, a lady in North Carolina and she came up to a table and dropped an n-bama, like an older white lady. And then the news team found her and because she was very animated. And they're like, you know, you you said something pretty horrific.

And she was like, I would say it again. Like she was very proud. Yeah, I'd be like it. She was like, and I would say it again. It was the right thing to say at that time. And they're like, why? She was like, because they're being loud. Well, my mom used to really believe in her racism.

Like they don't see themselves as racist. They see themselves as right, right? You know, sort of her mind. She's like, yeah, that's what they are. They're ching chong, whatever. So you're like, man, yeah, yeah, go back where you came from. I do like that she switched it up. You fucking asshole didn't do all racism.

Like she also dropped just a very broad statement. Yeah, my mom used to call people cunts all the time. She sure did. It was the first time I met her. Yeah, first time the first time I met her at a restaurant. Yeah, yeah, that's kind of actually what we're talking about. You had an audience. She had a new person to get fired up.

And she did. She did like a performance. Yeah, she likes to get. She talked about a fucking cunt at Bloomingdale. Yeah, see, yeah, I know. And I was like, it's nice to meet you. This is my new boyfriend, mom. Yeah, pretty wild, right?

I know. Oh, my God, that's pretty old school. It is Chicky Chicky China lady. Yeah, I I learned something on this vacation, too, which I've never done before because Ellis and I were on the shore and he likes to sit down and where, you know, the water comes up and back and down, whatever. Yeah, can't talk today. And I learned because I couldn't move because you weren't there, which is he and I.

I learned that I could pee in the sand on the shore and then the water would come and wash my pee away. Now, that's new for me in 43 years of life. I've never just peed on the shore sitting there. Yeah. Yeah. Have you done that before? I have. I've seen a lot of places. And one place I one place I peed that stood out to me as oh, this maybe is not as disguised as I thought it was on this trip was,

you know, we stayed on on the water. So I took him down there one day we were on the beach. And then we were going to go to the pool of the hotel, the pool, the pool. And so we came up and I'm explaining to my three year old that you have to rinse off in like they have like a, you know, it's like an outdoor shower. You basically rinse the salt water in the sand off yourself before you go in the pool.

It's basically a courtesy shower, right? You're covered in sand. So I go, this is what we got to do, buddy. So we stand there and I'm holding the thing, the waters, rinsing them down. And then I go, I got to piss. I'm just going to piss right here. Can I piss in every shower? Well, I'm actually standing like a foot away

and I'm peeing and you start seeing it come out from my shorts and it's distinctly yellow and it's smelly. It's very yellow. Yeah. And it's like, oh, everybody sees like the water is not creating this. This is just me pissing. Yeah. Yeah. That's so funny. The only thing the only person I cared about not seeing it was him, right? You know, everybody else. I was like, oh, fuck yourself.

Well, I was at a pool with Ila of Ila and Ethan Klein, my two favorites. Yeah. And we were talking and then Ila was like, I have to go pee. And I go, me too, do you want to go in the pool? And she goes, I was just making sure we're on the same page. And I was like, you're my fucking homegirl, dude. And we both pee in the pool. And I feel like that's what most people do.

But Nadav says no. No, no, no, I'm normal. It's what are you talking about? And Josh say, oh, I can't pee in a pool. I really? That's what it's for. Yeah. The pool and the ocean. You're in the pool and you go, I got to pee. You get out of the pool.

Yes. Oh, wow. But also hasn't Josh been to like three pools in his life? Like we used to have a pool, dog. Really? And you didn't pee in it? Never once. Did your family pee in it? I don't fucking. I hope not. Really?

I would fucking make them embarrassed if they did. Oh, my God. You were at my house and you had to pee in the pool. I would hold you down until you pee. I would get out and pee in a bush before I really. What? You're swimming it, bro. Yeah, but it's got chemicals to clean it. That's why I shake it.

And you also get out of the pool. 100 percent. Yeah. Now, what about the ocean? What about the ocean? The ocean? I'm black. I don't go to the ocean. That's true. Can we do that? Can we take you to the ocean?

Yes, sure. It'll be a good first time. Would it be a first time? No, I don't know. I mean, I would. If it was the first time we're hiring a documentary. But I mean, to be, I mean, I've only been a maximum of like four times to the beach.

Yeah. Wow. And what do you not like it? No, we hate water. It's not a. We hate water. It's not a stereotype. It's true. Why is that? What? What do you hate about water? I don't know. I'm going to drown or something. But do you know how to swim? Shark kind of kind of.

Well, then I mean, you're not going to drown. But are you afraid of sharks and animals in the ocean and stuff? I'm afraid of everything. Yeah, really? Yeah, it's just not a sound of good time. And then pools, do you enjoy pools, though? Or no, is that also a no? Pools are OK. A little more, a little more confidence there. I think as soon as somebody touches me, it comes near me.

No, I don't like that in the pool. Yeah. So you want so low, just like chill alone. Yeah. Floating, you like a floaty in the pool? 10 foot floaty in the pool. You know, I mean, like we sit on. Yeah, like lay back and just kind of is that appealing? I don't know. It's like, what if I get caught in it and caught in it?

You know, I just there's just things that could go wrong. You know, a lot of things. Wow. Do you pee in the shower? No. And my ex used to do that. And I got really mad at her every time. Because wait, she would do it while you're in the shower together. Yeah. And you got mad at her. I was like, like, it's like you said, you smell it, you see it.

And I would just look at my bag. Yeah, yeah, that's just that's disrespectful. Wow. So you don't have a pee fetish for sure. Like you don't want to get like pissed on your chest or in your mouth. Are you generally not into body stuff? Like, are you weird about poop? I mean, you don't poop.

You poop once every five days, but are you in the farting in front of other people? And do you not? You don't like that. You know, you're weird about body stuff. Yeah, you shower a lot. You really clean. Yeah, yeah, sure enough. What about like body odors? Like, do you do you try to go like this going on your face?

No, he bust nuts inside of girls. And they don't wear protection. I pull out getting mad strong. Oh, you do. You do pull out. But I mean, are you always like on the stomach kind of thing? Or do you go like, come here and like, you know, you put this in your mouth, you put in your eyes, like, are you like that? It's up to her. Wow.

Oh, he hesitated. So you're OK. Yeah. So you're willing to put it somewhere else. So you're not weird about your body fluids and stuff, but you don't like it when other people pee on you. Yeah, no. What about like all pee on someone? Oh, that's what I was going to ask you.

Yeah, yeah, Robert Paul Champagne, no problem. So if but if somebody was like, I like you think she's super hot. She was like, piss on me. You would be OK with it? Oh, yeah, 100 percent. OK. No problem. All right. So you're not like super. I mean, you better clean after. Yeah, because you don't want to be hanging out with your own piss.

It's like once it's out of me long enough, now it's kind of yours. Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. I thought everybody just peed in the pool and in the ocean. I thought that's what it's for. Yeah. It feels so good.

It's the only way to go. Well, because when I get in the pool or the ocean, I feel like I have to pee more for some reason. It's like you make more pee when you're in the water. And also, like when you're in the water, any like, you know, when you start to have to pee in a normal, like you're like, I kind of I could go pee. Yeah, whenever that happens and you're in the water,

like, just let it out. Yeah, just keep the whole thing going. But do you find that I have to actually push harder when I'm in the water? Well, if you really want to empty the, you want to really empty it. But to get it, the flow started, I'm saying, I have to push.

Is that you too? Well, sometimes it's different. In pools, it's easier to just chill and pee. The ocean, because of the current, the waves, and you kind of got to like, you really got to find like a bout. Like I was in there with our son and I was like, hey, I was like, just chill.

He was like, what? I was like, I got to think about something. And then I was just trying to pee. But I don't brown, obviously, in the ocean. Oh, no, I shouldn't have ocean, yeah. Sure, I shouldn't have my hand. I just throw it, throw it down. Now we had a lot of interesting browns on this trip too.

Oh, God. What is that? Maybe it's just travel bacteria that makes brown a lot. Yeah, it was a lot. It was a lot. Oh, this was pretty cool. I wanted to show you this because just it's fun to do.

Here you go. I'll just make a little video for you all to post. My name is Mark Anthony. Mark Anthony Lucas, number one. It's nice to meet you all. There are some very, very wonderful people on here. God bless you all and you're all. Oh dear, the eyes, it's in the eyes.

Mark is into oral sex. Girls, I'm on here, three single one. Here we go. Just 51, enjoy. Oh, I love these videos now. This is a whole new lane. Just guys offering, offering oral sex to women. That's kind of cool.

Women who want to take it. Yeah, that's a really nice thing to say to somebody. You know what I mean? Like if you want to have sex or you want to blow me or something, it's a pretty cool thing. His eyes are really crazy. The cool guy club. Yeah.

But what's neat is that true to form to a good YMH video. The shot is bad. It's not ideal framing or lighting. It's not good. It's not terrible. No, it's worse. He might have his shit two together, but the message is on brand.

Hey, here's my name and I'm looking for a blow job. No, he's looking to give, isn't he? I thought he wanted to give women orals. I thought he just, I like oral sex. Maybe you're right. Mark is into oral sex. Girls, I'm on here, three single one, 50, 51, enjoy. Enjoy.

Oh, just any oral. Enjoy. He's got crazy eyes. You see the tops of the whites, the eyes. Up to you if you want to have oral in any way. Now there's a cool guy. Yeah. He's so cool.

The world is a wonderful place. Oh, so let's talk about it. The fattest person I know, Burt Kreischer. We also have a podcast together called Two Bears, One Cave. You can watch it right here on the Your Mom's House Podcast YouTube channel, or you can listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts, download it, subscribe, rate and review.

People are having a lot of fun with it. He recorded a video and he put it out. A lot of people are talking about it. Here's a clip of it if you can go ahead and. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. Okay, good work on TikTok there. Way to go, Burt. Yeah.

I'm so excited Burt's finally on TikTok. Now I can keep up with him. Uh, uh. Yeah, so Burt, um, actually put out. So what he did was, you know we were talking for a long time about what sober October's going to look like this year? Yes, you guys haven't decided on a challenge yet, have you? I think we have it now.

We've been in a group text. I don't want to announce it until everyone's confirmed. But I think we have it. But Burt's idea originally was to have a hip hop dance challenge. And, uh, everyone was kind of into it. But Joe, Joe was like, I want to do that. One of the things he didn't want to do was have something that would require judges, right?

Because in the past we've had like objective, you know, parameter, like it was like point total, or it was like, do this many classes, you know? If you have dance, it's like somebody gets to say, no, that was better than this. And it's like, well, that might be that person's preference. Too subjective, yeah. On his own, um, he hired a dance teacher and then he, uh,

shot a little dance video. I know. And it's got like millions of views now. I want to go out of the way and just tell you right away. I think it's terrible. Wow. I think he sucks in it. Wow.

I'm not impressed. I don't know why people are complimenting it. But, you know, I've seen disabled people get compliments for doing, um, menial things before. So maybe it's, that's the thought, um, it's, it's weird to me that you have people with like, um, semi-developed minds going like, that's a great job. I'm like, okay.

So. Wait, wait, so hold on. But you're saying that it's, it's a good effort. But it's, his technique isn't good is what you're saying. It's, it's entertaining. He's an entertaining guy. Yeah. It's funny.

He's a funny guy. It's not good dancing. And it's not even good dancing for what you'd expect. It's just, it looks like a gorilla asking for food. Like if you've ever been to the zoo, they have a certain way they move and then they're like, oh, we got to feed them now. That's what it looks like. So, I mean, I haven't seen it.

I'd like to see some, do you have some of it? Yeah. I have all, I have so much contempt for anybody that is like, oh, this is really something. So, all right. Here, here. Now, it's everybody flying in a decoy. So, he makes another buckle with the lead cord.

I guess the whole, the whole set broke and he's dead now. All right. Now that was an outtake. Chase, Chase Leopard. Was it Leopard or Leopard? I always say Chase Leopard in my head. Do you? Yeah.

I just say Leopard. Okay. Chase Leopard, Chase made that. So, here's the, now we can't play. That's, that's a song that's going to get flagged. Right. So, you laid in a song that we can play. So, if you're listening, obviously, you're just going

to hear the audio. You got, you got to check out. Someone actually made this for us. Oh, they made, they put it together? Yeah. And then Josh found it and you sent it to me. Oh, great. So, what they did was they sent Josh Potter's acapella version

of the intro to Burt dancing. That's really funny. And here we go. And I'll just play it here and you can listen or watch for yourself and decide. Here it is. This is Beep Time. Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone's mother into this. Your mama in the fucking stands. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Segura and Christina Pashitsky. Christina Pashitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah. I see what you're saying.

Okay. Oh, you know, I see what you're saying. Listen, I think it's a valiant effort. It's very entertaining. That's very amusing. I see he does a little Steven Seagal lazy dancing. Well, he's where he sits in a chair and kicky foot. You know what I mean?

It's a lot of kind of a lazy dance. Look, it's fine. I mean, people are gonna be like, I hate, I'm not hating, I'm my friend. You are hating a little. All right, I'm hating. All right, here's what I don't like. You don't watch ESPN,

but a lot of people do. And every once in a while, they'll do a piece where they'll take a kid who has like a, you know, I don't know, like a pulmonary embolism or something. He's got a few weeks to live. And he's like, I love the Nebraska cornhuskers. And then they'll take him to practice

and they'll give him the ball. And they're like, you're our new running back. And then the players will pretend to chase him and they'll let him score a touchdown. And then they'll put him on their shoulder and they'll be like, you did it. I mean, and then they'll all be like, did you see this?

And people cry, it's emotional. This is the adult equivalent of that. All right. This is a guy who people are pretending that this is good dancing. That's my... That's what you're upset about. Yeah, it's not that it's not entertaining.

I feel like you're saying that you're a better dancer. And is that what you're saying? Of course I'm a better dancer. Of course. I think you're definitely, you're definitely hating. And I feel like you're a little triggered by this because you've been fired up now for two days. I've been watching you get fired up.

Yeah. But I don't even think it's, but I think it's unfair to call it hating because hating is like a baseless, a baseless hatred of somebody who's doing well. That's hate. So you're hating his dancing, specifically hating his dancing. I'm living in reality and I'm calling out.

But you hate his dancing. No. I'm calling out the reality that it's not good. That's different than hating. Hating would be if this dude looked like Chris Browns. I'd say, fuck him. He sucked. No, that dude can dance.

What I'm saying is that these people are pretending like this disabled guy is going to make it on the team. And he's not. I understand. But I'm saying, I agree. But I'm saying specifically you don't like his dancing. That's right. Because it's not good.

It's not good. So you're saying that not only is Bert fat, but he can't dance. Bert is fat and can't dance. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. We got to make a new t-shirt is what you're saying. An addendum to the original shirt.

If you think so. I think we should. I think it's now Bert is fat and can't dance the shirt. Part two. And we need to get everybody on board. That's reasonable. That is reasonable. I do.

I will tell you this. Yes. It's amusing. It's entertaining. It's funny. But don't give me this bullshit that this is fucking good. Right. I guess I don't know enough about dancing.

I've been in dancing since I was four. I don't know enough about the art of dancing to comment because I'm very uncoordinated. All I see is a great effort. I think he put a lot of work into it. It's obvious he rehearsed and, you know, all that mesh make a wish stuff is great effort. All that, you know, like, hey, look at that guy.

He's got one leg and he's doing the hurdles. Can I see it without the music without Josh? I just want to watch the moves. Let's just watch the moves without the music. I think the music definitely adds or takes away from right. OK. The video. See, like the opening is good.

That's great. I think that's a good move. That's not bad. That's not that's cool. That's all right. That's good. OK. That's good.

That's OK. Right. That's good. OK, now that's kind of weak, like just shoulder dancing. That's a wiggle. What's that? That's the worst. That's a Steven Seagal kick.

It's not even a move. And then what's that? I'm cute. I'm smiling. It's just thought. It's just fill time. Yeah, you're right. That's just that's easy.

I mean, come on, man. Yeah, this that he just made that up on the spot. This I get. That's the pay off. That's the punch line. Sure. OK. All right.

I mean, it's fine. Right. It's fine. But you're just saying you don't like it. It's not fine. No, I'm saying it's it's the kind of thing that you would look at and then you'd be like, so let's get give me some mustard on that.

Like you just would you're but you're more upset that people are praising the dancing. It should be. It sounds like you're more mad that he's getting a lot of adulation over it being a good job. That's and that bothers you. It's that people are telling the kid that was on the losing team that he's getting a participation trophy.

Yeah. You know, I'm fair enough. You know, are you going to bring this up with him on two bears, one cave? That's all we're going to do. Wow. That's all we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about what I can't wait to get with

Leanne on this. When you guys are doing your sober October, we're going to be doing a podcast together. She and I about how this makes our lives miserable. What are we calling it in a dove? Sober wife tober. Because this is so ridiculous. You realize you're two middle-aged men getting upset.

I mean, you're just upset about your friend's dance video right now. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you why. I kind of get that. Okay. I think it's reasonable.

Tom Sugar, a father of two middle-aged. Go ahead. Upset about his friend Bert's dancing in a dumb promo video. Okay. Tell me if this makes sense to you. He's so upset. He's been upset for two days now. Let me fire it up.

Let me ask you if this makes sense to you. I've been hearing about this shit for days. I wish you would stop talking at some point. So, Jesus Christ. I'm so annoyed. I'm annoyed that you won't shut up. Okay. So since you don't get it because you don't get a lot of things,

I'm going to put this. Oh, wow. I'm going to put this. Now you're throwing the hate juice at me? All right. Well, I'm going to put it. I'm your ally. I'm going to put it in terms.

I cannot believe he's throwing his hate juice my way. I'm going to put it in terms you understand. So. Don't make me go team Bert on this now. Go. You're pushing it. You're walking the line. Go.

I want you to go because I'm so annoyed by you because you keep babbling and this even this right here this show. So this maybe this will be in terms you understand. Oh my God. All right. First, first I'll talk this because I don't think you're going to get it anyways. So I'll talk to to these guys. So let's say let's say my life is let's say if I if I can finish a fucking

sentence let's say you played basketball right growing up and you played pickup games and then you played on Pee Wee teams and then you played in high school and then you played whatever junior you played a lot and then somebody you know made a video of them shooting free throws and then you and then people are like damn you you're really good at basketball and you'll be like dude that's not that's not that's not good like I I've been around this so that's not good. It'd be like if somebody tried stand up for the first time and let's say

you've done stand up and you and then they were like damn you're really good at stand up and you're like you know what I've been doing it for years. I've been doing spots. I've been doing specials like that's just that's not that good and and you're so like that's the only point I was making is just that it's just objectively I hear you. I hear you. I validate you.

I'm not disputing your point. I'm just saying it makes my life miserable now because for the last two days I've been hearing about the bird video bird. His dancing sucks. His dancing sucks. So what are you going to are you going to do something about it? You're going to confront him. You guys are going to say we're going to talk about it.

Okay. Well then okay. What else is there to talk about? I don't know. I just want you to have a closure on this when you're don't you understand? I love you and when you're upset I get upset. It trickles into my life. I'm not that upset.

I'm just we're just we're looking at the video. Okay. But all right. I feel like you still don't get it. So can I tell you what I'd get? I told your mom we were with your parents who are lovely and your sisters who are lovely. I convinced Tom's mom on this trip because I used Instacart when I was on this

vacation and she goes Instacart. What was is that? And I go it's not Instacart. It's Instatart and what it does is it lets retarded people be a part of the community and they deliver groceries and it's called Instatart and she believes me and she now thinks there's an app called Instatart. You're on your own on this one. We're retarded people deliver groceries.

But they always get the orders wrong and you have to be like oh well it's just the price of doing business with Instacart. What? Okay. I like it. I think it brings them back into the community makes them visible. What's that real? So I propose we start Instacart.

I'm going to start it. Your mom thinks it's real. Alright. So also can I play some of my TikToks please? I'm not a racist. My sister went down to the mountain. Does that play the whole thing? No you just played my intro.

Oh that's your intro. Oh it says TikTok intro. Alright never mind. Can we play them please? I've been curating. No yeah I mean Tom has a batch of like 20 on his computer. You could pick and choose. Okay if you would like to see my daily curations.

I am at the waterchamp on TikTok and I am also on Instagram at the Christina P and where I put them up on my stories and I do this daily. I'm a huge fan of the talk. I love it. And here are some highlights that I chose for your mom's house. There's a whole new lane I found right now. It's old people on TikTok and they're killing it right now. The old people on TikTok.

I would say that I also made a huge mistake when I was on this trip where we were hanging out at this pool by the hotel and I walked into a room that was like a playroom. You know like a game room and there were kids in there and I walked in and they were like oh and I was like oh I'm sorry because there were like four kids gathered around. They were like I don't know let's say 10, 12 years old and they were like oh we were just making a TikTok

and my response was oh I'm on TikTok. And then they were like what? They were so blown away that a grown-up even knew what they were talking about. I go I want TikTok you should follow me. And they were like no little girls they were so cute. And I was like they're like what's your name and I told them and then to me I was like ah shit. I was like I'm like pulling my nipples on one.

And then they came back and go what's your name again and you said Segura. S-E-G. You are A to make sure that they could follow you. I don't think it was good. Well come on let's see it. Yeah. I think I'm going to put it out there.

Yes I am maybe covering out anorexic. Anorexia does affect men too. Not just women or gays. It's not a sexual thing or a gender thing. It's a human thing. For those boys and girls that are anorexic please hang in there. I know it's hard but it does get better at times.

I do still struggle and if you think it's not a big thing Anorexia kills a thousand boys and girls every year. You can scroll forward to the next. Well I mean you put this in there. You can't ignore it to make it go away. This was terrible. I don't know if Anorexia has the top of his problems. You're one for one for terrible again.

She's back. I'm going down. My ship is going down. Anybody help me help me help me. She's back. My ship went down. Her ship went down. So my family I love you all.

See you later. Bye. She's back. She also gave us an update yesterday that she was eating her dinner with her family and it was warm outside. Is her handle user 789122? Yes it is.

Yes it is. She does it now. I don't even know what to call her. This is like Robert Paul with his video titles. You two videos. Yeah I'm not sure what her name is. My favorite thing about her is that she'll do my playing that my ship went down.

She's like see you later. I'll talk to you later. And she does though. She gives you updates throughout the day about her hydration levels. What she's doing with her family. She goes to barbecues and stuff. She shows you what she's eating.

I like it. I keep up to date on her. Cool. That's more of a visual one. Is that guy the rapper dude or no? No. No I think this one's just a normal clown check. Normal.

Okay. This guy's got a lot of tattoos. A lot. I mean. Under his eyes. Forehead, cheek, chin, throat. That's a lot. Quite a bit.

Yeah. Here comes the next dead dumb bitch. Is that your hand on my boyfriend. No one's taking your boyfriend. There's a lot of that on TikTok where it's very unattractive people and they're like don't you talk about my husband. He's all mine.

And you're like no one's fighting for him sweetie. Don't worry about it. There's a lot of that. If I see you in the street, you are done. I don't mean you're up here young. I hate this. Yeah me too. So gross.

Those are the littles. Something all around here calling CPS and people beating the hell out of their kids for acting like fools. I wish you would call CPS on me because I'll beat the hell out of you too Karen. I like that one. Specific. That one's specific.

It's just for Karen. And as you can see she's sleeping in a cardboard box with her two children. So she takes care of her children and they're fenced in with chicken wire. So she does love her kids. This is not depressing at all. Fuck you Karen.

Fuck you Karen. This guy's getting his ankle bracelet taken off from prison. Yeah. It's a monitor. Yeah. It's his probation like house arrest kind of. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really cool. It's a cool video to make. Put that. What'd you make today? I'll put them taking my ankle. Yeah. I just thought it was an interesting choice to share on

Tiktok. It's usually. What is with people on Tiktok? Keep saying this. Over and over again. Trump 2020. Even though he's a part of him. Even though they say that.

Over and over again. Why are you in a part of racist asshole? What? I'm not sure what he talked about. I forgot now. What else he got? Go ahead. You guys are fucking childish.

You gotta make fun of people. You better leave my sister the fuck alone. Before I find out who you are and kick your ass. All right. I thought you liked the threatening ones. You don't like it when people threaten? Well you know. It's just this.

Please. Say it for me. It's my right knee. And my left shoulder. And today I woke up with a migraine again. Please pray for me. This all gets better. I can't be down because of my mom.

What's your. What are the tears about? Are you going to spit your drink out? Oh my god. I like what people. I like how disgusted you get. I like how upset this makes you. I love when people complain about their ailments on TikTok.

Like why would you even pray for me everybody? What made you curate this? It's absurd that anybody complains about their physical ailments. Like in public anyways. And I like that she's asking us to pray for her ailments. I just find it funny. It's silly. Who does this?

You've got to be out of your mind. Next one. Next one. There's a winner in here. I know you like it. Today is national chicken wings day. And I'm doing a video about it on TikTok. Why not sell this?

I'm doing it right now. Yeah. It's way too much sauce. It's a lot. Is that sauce? Or gravy? Ranch or whatever. Not a ranch.

Too much ranch for that. I keep getting mail saying I'm a pervert and I'm creepy. I don't care what your opinion is because I know the truth. I'm not creepy. I'm not a pervert. So I don't care what you think or what you say. What do you think? Do you think he's creepy or a pervert, Tom?

Well, yeah. But who sends a mail about it? I don't know. People are just mailing you straight? Nobody's mailing him. He doesn't know that the word is email. I just want to let you know that I find it hilarious. That I have been texting you all morning.

So then I comment on one of your videos and you reply to the comment on your video before you text me back. Love you. He just puts that on TikTok. It's not your own personal app. It's the entire world, weirdo. Yeah. Well, I think he's got a lot of followers, baby.

He's got me. Hey, honey. Hey, Paige. I know you're really busy and everything, but I just have one quick question for you. I was wondering since you're going to be in Houston anyway, like 15 minutes away and I can't afford a ticket to see you because I was robbed this month. I was wondering if you can see Tom and come see me. I'm like only 15 minutes away from Houston.

I'll love it if you can. Yeah. Paige. Paige, Paige. It's my dream to meet you. I've always wanted to meet you. I love you, Paige. I love you.

Paige. The name is one of his favorite. Come see me. Please, Paige. Please let me know. Please, Paige. Look at it. I think she's asking a celebrity to come meet her.

Paige from WWE says, Josh. Cool. You can connect with celebrities on TikTok. They sent me a message just about, they sent me a message about paying off their loans. They're like, I'm a big fan. I was like, oh, cool. And then they go, I'm being crippled by these loans. You know, I don't know if it's weird or not, but if there's any way you can help me out.

I was like, what? What? Were you going to send them money or not? You're rich. Come on, man. What a crazy thing. Right? Like, it's so crazy.

I mean, what if somebody... If you don't mind, I have $90,000. And it's absurd. Well, maybe someone could be like this for you. Confirm it, Houston. I'm so sorry. Are we done with these? No, there's more, I'm sure.

No, there's more, but are we done? No, I want to see more. Please, I spent so much time curating these for the show. Why are you doing this? I know they need to find out that you don't need to be the one telling them. It's my job. You don't need to ruin my life for me. I can ruin my own life.

It's none of your business. You wanted to break up with me. You wanted to end it. Yeah, because you found out about me, yes, I know. Okay, so... Next, next, please, please, one more, just one more. Hello, everybody. I want to eat my dinner.

My husband cooks spaghetti. So he gave me a break today. See my husband? He's cooking. He's so sweet. He always cooks for her. And he's so sweet. Thank you, sweetie.

Oh, I like their marriage. I think they have a nice thing going. Just one more, please. It's so sweet. It's so short. Hey, you want to see a magic trick? I'm going to put these on my head. Ta-da!

You like it? I'm laughing at you. Did you get it? I'm laughing at you. You like it. It's slow. It's wearing you down. You're getting into it now.

You like that one, Luper? One more. It's rough, dude. These are all rough. One more. Just one more. Let the joy of TikTok fill your heart. So...

That was a good one. Come on. That was a good one. That was pretty good. Yeah, that was a good one. I might duplicate that from my comeback video to Burt. Just do this. Yeah.

I'm going to be like, there you go. Yeah. There's my thing. Yeah. All right. I love it when it rains outside. It makes me feel good. All right.

It makes me a little frisky, too. Okay. So... No, we're done. Please, one more. Come on. You know how much time I put into these? Please!

I like this one. I can't play the song, right? Okay, next, next, next, next. I must accidentally send that to the dove. All right. Does this next one have a song? No. Okay.

Jesus Christ. For so many years, I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was the black sheep, and I needed to change my personality. And after a lot of time and consideration, I realized who I was. I'm a piece of shit. That's a good one. That's a good one. Yeah, I see.

Okay. God. Yes, this is good. For those of you just listening, she's gluing macaroni to her face, and then she poured a bunch of cheese on it. And then she said, I'm a piece of shit. Why don't you love this as much as I do? I love this so much.

You have to get going. This gives me so much joy. One more. Just please one more. That's it. That's the last one. That's the finisher. Yeah, that was a good closer.

I love this so much. This gives me a window into humanity like nothing else, TikTok. I'm fascinated. I could spend all day on it. I fucking love it. Well, there's just a quick update. No, thank you. Wow.

Not even a thanks. Quick update for Josh Potter, who last week made it known that he was going to be on Cameo working as a sex worker. And man, it really took off for you. My heart is full with all the outpouring and requests for content. And it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I am retiring as a sex worker. Josh, what the fuck, man? You just, you only gave it a week?

Well, you know, sometimes, you know, I just, I lost my passion for the game and along the way. Already? And I just, I lost my smile, you know, and my heart wasn't in it anymore. And I have to find that again. How did you lose it already? Yeah. How did it go?

I don't know. It's just so, it's so much work. I mean, us sex workers, we every day, we have to, you know, have our heads in it. You know, sometimes, you know, like you don't want to go to work sometimes. Yeah. In your every day to day life. Same with us, you know, we have to, I have to take off my shirt. I have to comb my shoulder hair, get it ready for everyone.

I have to make sure my feet are okay. You know, it's. It's a lot. It's a lot. And how many did you end up doing? I did over 75. And I will. Are you officially out of the game?

Are you retired? Well, here's the thing, because of my fans, I don't want to disappoint them. I want them to have one more opportunity in order to get my content. So I will for one more week, except at a premium price. If you want to get my farewell tour, it is available for you. And you're going to up it though, right? You have. Yes, it's at $100 right now.

Oh, wow. Yes, to get a part of. No, this is the farewell tour. So this is the end. This is it. Yeah. I have a feeling though, Josh, once you see that cash rolling in. It is rolling in.

No more. Now that he's up to $100. Christina, I have paid six months rent and I have paid off all my student loans all in this week and through it all. I mean, it's rewarding. Don't get me wrong. It's rewarding getting the reviews and getting the smiles on people's faces and their hard dicks.

What's stealing your joy? What about it? I don't know. I have to find that out. That's why I want to thank everyone for coming along with me in this journey and taking a step away. Taking a moment. Maybe I'll walk away and I'll discover my joy again.

Maybe this is sort of, I mean, you know, to use like a comparison to a bigger story. Andrew Luck retired from the NFL prematurely in a lot of people's minds, but I feel like this is kind of like your version of that. It is. And, you know, I, just like Andrew Luck, you know, I, my body is different afterwards and I have to take that into consideration. You know, I have to take my health into consideration. This is like you this week, I think here, maybe.

Oh boy. I think the bills will go undefeated. Oh my God. 16 and 0. This man wanted football commentary. On the way to an AFC championship appearance. Jesus Christ. I'm in a fucking pew.

Me too. So that's a good one. Why hello there, Alex. I just wanted to let you know that you are doing such a good job that Todd Howard wanted me to let you know that you've been spreading his word fantastically. He wants to reward you for all of your hard work spreading his word and he wants to reward you with the most erotic content that the US dollar can buy legally. And that is right here, baby.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Who's that guy? Oh, Josh. Just over here. Oh. Hard for you there. Oh man.

Josh. So you can see how I would be weathered a bit, you know. Yeah. Something like that. Because you have to do like every single person's video. They have a different need, a different request. Yeah. That is the cross you bear when you are a sex worker.

I love the celebrity athletes. Hey, Jim. I just spread far. You gotta keep, it's cool that you're working so hard. Everyone appreciates you working hard. And Bob said, keep working hard. He gives them like 500 bucks to say that shit. In my experience, the people who don't ask for the erotic content, I know that they,

that's why they're there. So I have to provide it regardless. Regardless. And they also ask me to give a message to their loved one. Josh, you really think that that's what everybody really wants? Oh, I don't think so. I know. What?

Okay. Why is that? I've seen my bank account. Oh right. Sorry. Well, it's up there, Cullen. Your boy, Fish, tells me you need some of the hottest erotic foot content around. I'm here in my woodshed today, bringing the aesthetics that are definitely pleasing.

I'm gonna show you how to get down with some feet, bro. You like it spicy? You like it medium? Or you like it mild? Either way, you're gonna get a dosage. Sorry about my dirty, dirty feet. It's because I've been working hard here today. Oh, God.

But here, look, we have some stevo hot sauce for your butthole. Oh. Like spicy feet or what? Oh, my God. Who wants this? Get a little bit of it on there. Oh. Put some on the tozies.

Oh. Suck it off and burn your dumb bitch-ass mouth. Yeah, you burn it. I mean, you get it dripped through with all the dirt and chunks of salsa. I need you to get over here and lick it off. Fuck. You like it. I want you filthy, filthy boy.

Jesus. Oh, Stacy. How are you? I'm okay. I just have these little sour candy children. Okay. God, look at your feet. They're dirty from that day.

What? Some people, they'll ask, can you make your feet nice and dirty? Oh, my God. Some people are like, can you make them clean? You know, it's back and forth, you know? So as a sex worker, do you do all the dirty videos at once and then like? You have to prioritize your time. Yeah.

You have to really like, there's an efficiency to it. You have to like, do the dirty feet ones first. Sure. And then you do the clean ones after you can clean off the dirt. And then sometimes, you know, I forgot. A dirty ones, you got to go back and make them dirty again. These are my day to day, you know? I'm really looking forward to the farewell tour.

Yeah. Yeah. So make your purchases quick because this is not lasting forever. I'm out of the game. It's really sad. I got sent back to fucking comedy again. But congrats on the success that you had while you had it. Yeah.

Thank you. No, I like going out on top also. I think like Rob Gronkowski is a better analogy than Andrew. Sure. Sure. So I'm going out on top. Great, man. Thanks again.

Thank you, Josh. And oh, where are your dates coming up? Oh, I'm going to be in Seattle, September 5th at Chopsui. I'm going to be in Tacoma, Modder the next day in Tacoma. And then on the 8th in Portland at Mississippi Studios. Portland, what's up? Come on out. It's only $18 to see a real life live show where it's $100 to see my shoulder hair.

Go to Josh Potter. Jay underscore Potter. Jay underscore Potter on Twitter. Josh underscore Potter on Instagram. Great. Tickets is all there. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

When I turn into my body, like a body my same size, like me floating into you or you floating into me. Holy ghost baptism. What? I just got anal sex. I just got laid. I was seeing visions from God while I was doing it. He was saying, put it in the butt.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, I certainly won't disobey that heavenly commandment ever. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it's Wednesday, June 26th, 2019. Pretty recent. Pretty recent. God spoke to this man and told him to have anals.

Put it in their asshole. Does God tell you to do that? All right, Jeanne. Where are you going to be? Where are your dates coming? Oh, oh, hold on a sec. Well, actually this is going to drop tomorrow. So next week.

Today drops today. Oh, I'm Jeanne's. I am coming to Milwaukee. That is milk donkey, Chicago and Boston huge tits September 5th, 6th and 7th. And then I'm doing one night in Vegas, September 22nd at the Life is Beautiful Festival with Billie Eilish. Isn't that cool? Oh, I'm Jeanne's.

I'm so excited. Hopefully I'll get to meet her. I don't know. October 3rd through 5th, Nashville, Tennessee at Zany's October 17th, sperm vine, Irvine right here Irvine improv November 22nd, Seattle, Washington and then November 23rd, Portland, Oregon tickets are at Christina P online. I'll be announcing 2020 pretty soon and I'll be going out to other cities, more cities then.

Jeanne. Oh, sorry. One more thing. Check out where my mom's at. If you haven't already. It's a podcast for moms that's not totally soul-sucking and lame. There you go. September 10th.

I'll be in Memphis. There's a few tickets left. The next day, Knoxville sold out September 12th, less than a hundred tickets remain in Greenville, South Carolina, Charleston in the early show in Durham, North Carolina. Are sold out, but the late show in Durham, North Carolina at the Durham Performing Arts Center still has tickets as the late show on September 14th. Very few tickets left in Charlottesville, Virginia the next day. The next week in San Jose, you can get tickets for that Oakland is sold out Los Angeles

is sold out the 21st, but there are a few tickets left for September 20th at the Orpheum and the next day in Santa Barbara at the Arlington Theater. You can get tickets for that on sale. We recently just added shows where Austin, Texas on the 17th. We added a late show at the Paramount. We also added a show in Columbus, Ohio. That is December 6th, December 7th. We added in Grand Rapids, Michigan, New York, don't forget we're doing Kingston, New York

November 6th, and we're doing the beacon in New York City on the 7th. Oh, we just added a late show in Ben Salem, not Ben Salem, which is the way that somebody that speaks English as a first language would say it. We added it in Ben Salem on November 8th. It's a late show added at the Parks Casino. So get tickets. All those tickets are at TomSigura.com. Please get tickets at TomSigura.com slash tour.

And yeah, I hope you enjoy the shows. How do I mute that? I guess I'll just press that. Joining us now, International Rockstar Comedian Multiple Specials Arena Tours. Doesn't fuck with clubs, won't mess with a theater, arenas only. Watch people call him directly. Oh, God, the best formerly of Nordstrom Rack. Yeah.

Yeah. Three jobs, by the way. You had three jobs, then? Yeah. People in Masada would make me do the MC on the weekends, right? Yeah. And I literally had to get on stage with my busboy outfit because I was I was cleaning off yacht tables.

Yacht tables? Yeah. So I worked at Borders Books, Nordstrom Rack, and I was cleaning yachts on a Friday, Saturday, Saturday. Another part of, like, the success stories of comedians who now do really well is hearing the tears of jobs. And then even when, like, people would see us on television, like, you're on television, and you're like, yeah, I have a job still.

Oh, when I was doing Chelsea Lately with Joe Coyote a decade ago, I would I was working at the Girl Scouts at Greater Los Angeles. Are you serious? Yeah. And I would go and, like, buy clothes with and leave the tags on, wear them on the round table with you, go to my job the next day. The Girl Scouts at Greater Los Angeles and return the clothes. Yeah.

Yeah. And I was a sight rep, like, for like, when productions shoot a movie or show or a commercial and like, no, I would represent the the house's owners or property through like there's a company that. So let's say like you, Joe, put your house, you're like, you can shoot at my house, you got to pay $10,000 a day. Yeah. Then the production goes, we want to shoot in Joe's house.

That company that they found the house from would hire me or just send me and go. So Joe says that, like, they can shoot in these five rooms, nothing can be nailed to the wall. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, here's the rules. Ah. And so then I have to just make sure that production doesn't ruin Joe's house because those are the terms.

And so you just sit on a product, like a set all day. And then sometimes people will be like, I've seen you on a comment like, yeah, I was like, Hey, if you guys could back up that truck real quick and that would be my job. No doubt. Yeah. And how long ago was that? I mean, I was doing that job in 2010 and I was doing that job a part, a little bit in 2011.

I think I was done done in 2011. Isn't that crazy, man? Yeah. And I worked at restaurants and all that shit before that year. Restaurants. Department of Public Safety and that jacket. That's right. Jacket from that.

That's hilarious. It's crazy to think about those jobs. It was just like nine years ago, 10 years ago for me. Do you feel so when did you stop, stop longer than that? My bad. It was like, yeah. It was like 14 years. But that's when you want to say that right now.

Well, no. So let's say when you and I were on Chelsea, that's about a decade ago. Yeah. Tom and I just got married. You were still working. You still have day job. That's right. You're right.

I was still like 2008. What are you talking about? You were you were row-dogging. Yeah, but I still I still kept a job. What? Yeah. I kept pocket because I was I was nervous because I just had a kid. Yeah.

So I, you know, I was just nervous, like, oh, I want to go on the road. But how about if I don't get booked for three months? Of course. So what were you doing in addition to Chelsea? I had I had Nordstrom Rack. I had that was the time I had Nordstrom Rack and Wells Fargo part time. Wells Fargo. What did you do there?

Like a teller. Literally was the worst. They fucking hated me. Robert Mednick. I know him. He's still like my best friend. He was the nicest manager. No.

He just he loved. He goes, I keep because you're funny. You keep everyone. Yeah. I swear. He let me go to auditions. If I got Chelsea, I'm gone. Great.

All right. I'll see you tomorrow. I worked in post-production. I did not know that. Yeah. I used to I used to do the same thing where I would tell my boss post-coordinate post-supervisor. I'd be like, I would know like an improv weekend was coming up or a funny bone. I was like, so check it out.

If I'm here all week and Saturday, he'd be like, what do you what do you want? I was like in two weeks. Yeah. Check out and go to Dayton. Yes. And then I'll be back. I used to do that too. With the Girl Scouts.

Yeah. And then take off and do future weeks. All right. All right. And he would just kind of be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you try and you try and build your hours. Yeah. I'd be like, I did 80 hours.

That's an hour. Yeah. Okay. So I'll work my eight today and I won't go to lunch. That hour goes to the day. To the day that I leave. Yeah. Yeah.

You try to just try to spend them on it. Yeah. Yeah. Now you had to buy it too. But you had a son when you were. So how far into stand up were you when you had your son? I was I started when I was 18. So I was 15 years in.

Wow. Yeah. And so the pressure is really on. But I was I was late. I was late coming to LA because I was so comfortable in Vegas because I was making this money doing my own shows. You're producing your own shows. Yeah.

I would rent theaters and I was getting people were calling me to get booked. So I had like JB smooth. I get in Edwards. I would get Jay Lamont. I can't even think of all the guys now. But yeah, I would just get these guys to come and do my. By the way, Ian Edwards special came out. Yeah.

He's so funny. Oh yeah. If you haven't seen it go on the Comedy Central site or app and I'm sure you guys called Ian talk. Yeah. I was driving. Idea is not worth spreading. It's so funny because I have I have a so funny.

I'm sorry. I have I have this postcard of him on one of my flyers and I had everything booked out. I made flyers. I spent so much money on these flyers for Ian. This is like nineteen ninety seven, I'd have to say, and he goes, Hey B, oh, I got a riding gig and I can't do it. I'm like, Ian, I just made all these flyers. You're on it.

You're on it, bro. They're coming. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to me. So I don't know why I'm sound like Biggie Smalls, but no, you sound like him. Right. Yeah. He's very quiet.

Yeah. But he had dread. You know, he had dread. I did not. And I've never seen Ian with dread. And I'll show you the flyer. It's just these long dreadlocks. I've seen those old headshots of the same man.

Also, like I went into it was like the comic strip in New York. Yeah. You're kidding. Yeah, there he is. Oh my God. That's the Ian. I knew. I've been doing it this long.

That's not him. That's not him. Yeah, that's not him. I'm probably the guy. That's him right there. No. Yeah. That's not him.

It's him. He's Jamaican. The nicest guy in the world, you guys. And so funny. Yeah. That's how he looks now, you guys. So the next thumbnail, the bald guy. There you go.

Isn't that like a different person? You wouldn't even know. Yeah. The hair. You know what I'm saying. Yeah. I love him. He's so funny.

JB Smooth on. Smooth. Smooth on. On on on the black college comedy tour. So I was I was the other. Oh, so, so, because you have to book diversity, right? Right. These black student associations would hire headlining black comics.

But the rule is you had to get another. It couldn't be all black. That's ridiculous. I was other. Yeah, yeah, there was like, do you have a white guy? We have Joe Coy. You have a Spanish guy. Yeah.

Asian Joe Coy. Perfect. Oh, yeah. So I was getting, I was opening for everybody. You checked all the boxes. I checked every box. It's great. I remember one time I opened for Russell Peters and there was a weekend where we're working

a club. He's like gearing up for one of his tours and he was like, it was, I had like a set where I was just killing. He was like, he was like, that's great, man, you know, you killed, but not too hard. And I was like, what? He's like, well, you're not like Joe Coy. So it's great. I mean, he was just, he's busting my ball.

It wasn't like, he was like, he's like, you died just enough at the end. All right, I got to go. And then. Well, he's right though, because Joe Coy is a fire killer, bro. I mean, I've been watching you for the last 14 years and just being in awe of your amazing talent. And you're so fucking funny, dude, you know, your husband's right there to your right. Who?

She's tired of him. He's amazing too. Obviously. You. I appreciate that, man. But I love Joe. I mean, I remember like a million years ago, I'm like a Joe Coy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it was a lot from the beginning. Yes. Oh, thank you. I loved you. You know what? It's so funny because you said Ting Ting. And those are the socks that I'm going to get made. By the way.

Yeah, it's a joke. My son really did that. And I was on tour with Russell Peters when his mom called me and she's crying and she told me that he painted his penis green. Yeah, with a marker and he kept showing everyone, look at my Ting Ting. And I'm like, I'm telling Russell, we're driving to the and he's like, you've got to go on stage and talk about this. No.

Yeah. And that's how it all started. Russell. And then that's when I brought it to the special. And then County Central never played the special. And that joke just kind of never went anywhere until like later on, like, yeah, it like revamped later, like on the internet. But that's why when when he's the best to, by the way, for people like such a lifeline

for me and probably for you when you're like working and then like, he's the most generous guy and just 100 percent. Yeah. Unbelievable. Yeah. He's the most generous. Yeah. And pay it forward.

And that's what I love about him. He teaches you to do it. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what I loved about him. He opened up the floodgates for me. Like Australia. I was doing well before I even had a special on Netflix.

I was on because he entered him. Yeah. That guy handing it to me. Crazy. Yeah. I was on too. So in anything you do in life, right? Yeah.

Just open it up. If you have the opportunity to help somebody, help them. I don't understand people that don't. Well, and if they're talented, too, and you can help elevate them, yeah. That's what I was trying to do with you. What happened? I was still aware. Well, what happened?

I used to, I used to, there were so many on Chelsea, I was trying to reach out to. I reached out to Lonnie. I reached out to you. Yes. I wanted a female to open for me. I was all using guys. Yep. And I was just like, I want to bring a female.

I remember and I was, and then I was excited and then it never happened. I don't know what happened. What the fuck happened? I don't know. I kept calling you and I don't know. You know, you're busy. It doesn't matter. You guys are huge.

We're doing it. We're doing it. Yeah. But that's all. I was always trying to find a way to get somebody to yes, if I saw it, I was like, I want to bring them on the road. And that was from Russell. Can we do that with Chris?

Chris Delia brought him on the road. Are you serious? Yeah. I brought him on the road for about a year and a half. You did? Yeah. He must have smashed. Oh my God.

But I used to do what Russell did. I used to be like, Hey, that's that's cool what you did, but I'm going to make them forget your name. Yeah. Yeah. But Chris would crush. But that's what I want. I want to be nervous on stage backstage.

I want to be like, OK, now I got to I got to come with it. Yeah. And that's what Chris was. And I always said that I was like, Chris, you are a fucking megastar. You're going to be gone in like six months. So yeah, I enjoyed it while I had. Do you do you mix it up now for openers or do you have like a set opener? How do you do it now?

I try and keep at least one guy with me because I like to the familiarity. Yeah, man, because it gets lonely on the road. Yeah. Keep changing faces. You're going to be like, yeah, I want to be able to have a bond with somebody. Sure. Because it does get lonely. So yeah, I keep I got a little group of guys I like to take with me.

Yeah. Yeah. But I also want to start opening up the door again and have some new talent. Yeah. I get some opportunities. Yeah. That's cool. That's cool.

Your latest special just hit a little while ago. I can't wait to watch. Oh, man. And this is the how many. Is there now? This is my second. The second one there. Yeah.

The first one. This is a great story. This is I think it's great for comedians, but it's great for people just in life to learn about perseverance and just going after it. You tried to get a special, right? Like give me one and didn't get one and then you shot it on your own and shopped it yourself. Yeah. That's fucking you.

I've told you this on my spot on my five, but you knocked down the door. You it was you. It was Segura that was like inspiring a lot of comics to be like, you know, we got to get on Netflix. Right. Yeah. Because what you did was amazing and it was jaw dropping and I was just like, what the fuck do I got to do to get on that platform?

And that was that's all I thought about every time I woke up. I would call my manager. Did you call Netflix? Can you get them to come see me? I'll fly him out. I'll do whatever it takes. And and then finally they said no. I was like, what?

What? Yeah. They said no. They said no like three times. I was like, well, they didn't say no. They would say, OK, we're coming. Then they would cancel. Right.

OK, we're coming. By the way, I've had that like 10 times with them. Yeah. Even after being on there. They're like, they're coming tonight. And then you're like, were they there? And they're like, he had lunch. Like what?

What? Yeah. Still at lunch? It was like 11 o'clock. Yeah. They never cancel on me. Yeah. But but but that that that third time is when they they said, we're going to go and pass

and we'll we'll we'll take a look at you next year. Oh, and then that's when I was like, I can't like my son's going to be 15. Like these jokes are now right. So I I just went and shot it when I showed it to them and I and I cut it up myself. And then I did not know this. So you did it with your own money. Yeah. 100 percent.

Everything. Where did you film that? Doesn't Seattle. Seattle. Get the. I had to sell every ticket in that theater for for that special. I was like, I can't give any comps because I needed all of the money. Yeah.

All of it. Every penny. And we did two shows at night. And I was like, did we sell all the tickets because I was like, we had to pay everything. But then you saw a huge transition, right? Huge. Huge. Tell just I know just because I know we were talking about it.

Yeah. What like what are you like for? I don't know. It's I always think it's fascinating to study. Like to me, I like the business side of it. Well, you know what they call magic markets. So like if someone can do really well, but then in like, you know, like the northeast to Sebastian is like, it's fucking over, right?

Yeah. Like Philly, Jersey, New York, Atlantic City, like all that, like Sebastian does well everywhere. But there it's like another level. Yeah. And then for you, you do great everywhere now. But like, tell me what's going on in Hawaii. It's crazy because it's fascinating. It's nuts.

What like how many shows do you do the for the minute that lie from Seattle came out? I went from one show at the Hawaiian Theater and then and then we said we're going to go over to a bigger theater, which was the Blaisdell Theater, which was like a thousand seats bigger. And then they go, it sold out like 10 seconds or something like that. And then we went ahead and added the second show because we we lauded for three shows. Yeah. We we had the availability availability for three shows. And then and then that sold out in like another 10 seconds.

So we added a third that sold out by the end of the night. And then now we're double stacking on the same nights. Yeah. So now we're adding to the same night. And then that was it was literally we would we would say it's on sale and then we would look at the the chart graph and it looked like an outbreak. You know, an outbreak over a huge like an infectious disease. Yeah. Every time we press refresh, you would just keep moving up and then it was gone.

And literally it got to 13, 13, yeah, 13. And then they wanted me to keep going, but I had a prior commitment. I'm sorry, I can't make it. Yeah, I can't make it. And then 13. So like how about now when you go now to the arena and we sold four arenas for arenas. Yeah, for I didn't know that many people lived in Hawaii ever suspect.

That's why you would be. I know not at all, because when I when I used to open for Mario Joyner. Yeah. And John Lovett, it was like struggling to get people to know who I was. I would really walk up and down the street with like two for ones, you know, course, and just handing it to people like, hey, we got a show. And they were like, just hand out as many as you can. I'm like, give me as much as you got. Wow. And now struggling.

People would not even come. Could you tell some people in Hawaii to come to my show in December? We're working on one. Yeah. So if you don't mind, what? Where are you playing? Probably not the arena. I don't know what it's called. I don't know what it's called, but yeah, I'll I'll take it.

Whole families going vacation. So we really need to fill that arena. Yeah. Are you bringing the family? Yeah. Yeah. It's a vacation. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's coming. Whole families coming. Not a lot of profit.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's a lot. You're the man. There's no arena. No, there's just one venue one night. San Diego is crazy right now for you. It's not. Yeah. We it just went on sale and we're at show number five. Jesus Christ. It's crazy, man.

I don't get it. Yeah. No, that's great. That's great. I love it because my mom never believed in me anyway. So it's like this feels it feels so good. Where does she live? Oh, it feels so good to just shove this in her face. Yeah. Yeah. Does she actually told me to quit so many fucking times, man?

You know that my whole new hour, like half of it is just shitting on my mom. Yeah, good. Like the whole thing is she told me. Call it shitting on my mom. I might. I might. You should. She's going to see it for the first time in two weeks. And I've been telling her for half a year, like, I don't think you want to see this.

And she's like, she's like, no, I want to see it. I'm like, no, I don't think I go shit on you pretty hard. And she's like, and people laugh. I'm like, they laugh a lot. They love it. And it's like, but she's not ready. I mean, I talk about what a dream crusher she was, how she really told me. And this is in my new act,

but how she told me to get a job at the post office. What is she, Filipino? Dude, I feel like I feel like immigrant moms. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's their job not to believe in you. The immigrant parent is there to dream crush you. Hundred percent. But then they inadvertently make you really successful.

Right. By not. Yeah. By not blaming me. Like a coach who's like, you ain't shit. Yeah, you just like try to prove that coach. And then you're like, I'm in the league. He's like, that's what I did. Yeah. And they sit in the bleachers with a bag of peanut. I taught that kid.

I taught you how to do it. My my mom, it was so funny because she like harvest like these talented kids. So my sister would sing and then I would perform and she would do all these Filipino Association things where they would rent out like nights at Columbus Halls and all these Filipinos would bring food and then we would perform.

Yeah. And we did that up until we graduated. And then right when we graduated, my mom was like, you know, that was just a joke, right? You can't really make any money out of that. It's just pre-boot. Now the life is real. So go get a real job and get an education. So how about so all through your, let's say, like your ascent?

Yeah. But like you're, you know, you're doing you're working as a comic. Is she still like, what are you doing? Oh, now, no. Now, no, no. I'm saying like, you know, you're on Chelsea issue. Oh, yeah. But you're not like nothing. She's like, what are you doing? Yeah. She all she was worried about was my son.

Yeah. I mean, she was like, oh, you don't have insurance. You don't have a retirement plan. Do you have 401k? How about if you get sick? You can tell jokes from the hospital. Now, though, those sound like jokes, but that was really how she was talking to me and it would break me down mentally to the point where I wouldn't even call her anymore

because it would always end up like, dude, the course. Just end up as as this whole like, go get a job, get a ninth to five. That way you have security and then do your job at the outside. This is exactly the post office one. I was like, what the fucking talking about? And she was like, you get the post office and then they have. Yeah. And they have benefits. And then you know, now, you know, you have your job and then

and you do your fun at night. Yeah. Do your shows, your jokes. But now you have a real job. And I'm like, yeah, I don't want to fucking work at the post. Yeah, that's I hate to jump on you. But that post office is for the man and nursing is for the women. Yeah, that generally for Filipinos of all my uncles are fucking male men. Yeah. Oh, is that right?

Which, by the way, and then my stepdad, she made my fucking stepdad who's a war, who's a war vet, a Vietnam veteran. He served 22 years in Vietnam, got two purple hearts, two bronze stars and a C.I.B. badge, and he's retired at like thirty nine. Just like, you know, he's got pension, retirement. And my mom's like, you need to go work. Go to post office. Yeah, he's got one arm that got shot by a sniper.

He's got an entry wound right on the top. Right. Really? Yeah. And she's like the other arm. The other. Put the mail in here. That heavy. She made him fucking at the post office 22 more years at the post office. Yeah, I mean, like, and I was saying, like, I'm not knocking the post office. It's like, mom, I don't want to fucking work at the post office.

Yeah. And she would just be like, this is the best option. Best option for you. It's so terrible. Because you're not doing. No. You're not doing. No, no, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Six plus seven. Go. Exactly. She would go, you are retarded.

You're retarded. It's it's it's turn off. Yeah, turn off. It's turn off. Always sleeping. Well, that's all. Yeah, yeah. The lights off off. Never on. Never Maria on on on on on on.

Always think Tommy off off. Sleep. Yeah. Dreamland. Dreamland. I'm going to be funny. He likes farts and caca, sex, porno. Porno with the fart and caca. My mom's full description of me are discussing. They pay you to talk disgusting. That's what she said. Oh, yeah.

Disgusting. But now. Yes. But now. Yeah. Now how now she goes. They pay you to talk disgusting. It's nice. You know what? My mom, they fly her out. Yeah, they fly her out to places to talk about being.

Joe Coise, mom. It's really Joe Coise. Now she's giving parents seminars. I'll show you a text message right now. She's doing gigs. Yes. Full on. She went to the White House because of me.

What? So where, bro? So I just text my mom is in Vegas. I go, where are you? Let's go eat. She's like, oh, I'm in Queens. Do you want to talking about you? Doing a speaking game. Doing a speaking game, you know, promotion. Joseph, you need it.

Did you see my I'm promoting your Netflix special? Netflix. Did you see my mom's fart video? No, you didn't see this. No. So I I recorded my mom. She didn't know I was recording her farting at the sink. Yeah. And I was like, I'm going to post this. And she was like, you have to pay me.

She got so first she was like, absolutely not. Absolutely not. And I was like, mom, this is gold. I have to share this. Yeah. And then she was like, like I was working on her for like weeks. And she goes, OK, I need to first plastic. It's like she really? Oh, yeah. You know, I'm gambling money.

I want a chauffeur to pick me up. Wow. And like, and then I'm like, all right. And then I was like, I'm going to make merch of you. She wants to put in this image. Dude, here's the bit. This is real. People have asked that this is totally real. I love this. This is like. She doesn't know I'm there.

Wait, that's real. You know, it's on anymore. Best video ever. Yeah. Yeah. And then she goes, let me see it. But what impeccable timing? You had no idea she was going to drop that. What were you about to do?

I think so she had farted something before. And I was like, I always tease her, you know? I was like, can you drop one a year? Like, can you let a mega one out? And she goes, let me see what I can do. And then as she, like, turned and put her hands on the counter, she I just reached in my pocket and pulled out my phone and hit camera. And I just was like, who knows?

And then, like, within two seconds. And if actually, if you watch that and, like, you slow down at the end of the fart, you can see she has a smirk on her face. Like, really? Like, yeah, she's like, she's like, she's like, I love her as a good one. Yeah. And then so now we have a lot of that came from the top of her throat. Like that that fart started from here and just and all the way. I've heard those my whole life.

And I was always like, hey, mom, will you record yourself? Or she's like, are you out of your mind? And then I actually and then the merch is now her face. Yeah. And it says, you're not my son anymore. So that's what I sell it on mugs. You know, it's like it's and she when she goes, let me see it. She called me and she's like, you have to be kidding me. You want to say your mother with a fart?

See the shirt. So there it is. Yeah, that one. You're not my son anymore. You're not my son. Out of stock. Yeah, we sold out of stock. But the mugs, they they reordered because the mugs. So and then that one on the other side of the mug, it says big farts brewing. Oh, my God.

Anyways, what I like the most about that video is how she was in front of the sink with her arms kind of embracing herself. Yeah, yeah, like hold on, Tom. Here it's she got so mad at me. But then at the end, like after this really, you know, after I love kind of got used to the interaction about, she goes, that wasn't even a big one. Like I've got more there was more. There's more. Yeah.

I'll be right back. I have to change panties. Yeah, but the three of us have immigrant parents and immigrant parents do check you hard. Oh, yeah, I think it's just abuse. Quite honestly, just abuse. So my therapist says I'm not so sure it's checking. Yeah, they're just legalized. Yeah, it's but none of us would talk to our kids like I would never say

the shit to my kids. Not the way my mom was. No way. I was pretty pretty cold and brutal. Yeah. Yeah. One time I was singing in the kitchen as a four or five year old and she goes, you should never think you have terrible singing voice to a five year old. Is that great or what? That's my mom.

Yeah. And then I would she's oh, your legs are ugly like oh, I'm like, oh, my God. Yeah, she was such a fucking cunt. Yeah. But now look at her, huh? Dead bitch. No, she's so dead. She was alive now. Yeah. Why is that? What is up with that? She was that, you know, for a while before she died, we would talk about her all

the time, like, what about, you know, what if she dies? Whatever. So and Christine will always be like, she's not going to. She's not going to die. Evil doesn't die. Evil doesn't die. She's going to last long. God only takes the good ones. Yeah. That's so funny. Yeah. And then she died. Thank God. But but you like your mom.

But it sounds like it sounds like you love her. Yeah, like you've forgiven her. It drives me nuts. It's the same for me. Yeah. I love my mom. But she's a fucking. And she'd never understand. I'll show you a text and it's just a simple text of a man.

I shouldn't even say this. Just say it. She's not watching this. Is she watching this? No way. It's watching this. That's true. Whoops. Forget it. No, I better not.

Really? Come on. It's for the bid. It's just a good story. I'll tell you an embarrassing story if you tell me one. OK, well, immigrant, immigrant parents are are God, I can't do this. Come on. Do what it could possibly 249. Just cut it out.

Possibly. Oh, everything. What could what could she say to you? That's so different than most. All I said was, mom, I'm in a position now where I can afford things. We don't need to like. Barter, right?

Oh, with like Macy's. Well, it's just like, yeah, it's like, you know, I got the tickets to see my son, you know, and. Oh, so she's using you as like to get discounts. She's using tickets to your show. I think it discounts. It's it's I don't want you to think my mom is going around. No, and you'll give it.

It's just a lot of people are coming to my mom because they know who she is. Right. And then she's like, oh, yeah, I can get your tickets. And then maybe they're like, well, we can give you a free medical exam. Like, mom, yeah, I'm rich. Yeah, yeah. I don't. Yeah, you can put you can pay for stuff. Yeah, we're good. But I said it in a nice way.

And man, you've got to read this text. Oh, did she light you up? Oh, fuck. Oh, I want to see it. Oh, I'll show you. I want to show it. It's it's literally this. And this is I'm not lying.

This is this just happened. And and it's literally what I just told you. That's the situation. And then and she literally bubbles, the blue bubbles, whatever those are about about this long. Yeah, to where you have to fucking scroll three times. I don't reply because obviously she's not because I'm not trying to be mean to her.

I'm just saying I'm in a position where we don't need to do that. But what's her stance on it? You're going to love this ending. Yeah, the best part. I don't respond because you're not listening. Right, right. So I'm not going to. I'm going to disengage. I'm going to disengage a board, right?

Yep. Wake up the next morning. You did not respond. I'm like, bitch, I'm still trying to read quote number three. Yeah, I'm still on bubble three. Yeah, you're going to have to give me a couple of weeks to read what you just wrote me. So so toxic.

That's what's yeah. But what's her stance? So what's her argument? Like what what she upset it? Why would she be upset with that idea of a son paying for things? I don't know. I don't I don't know. She doesn't want your money or she definitely does.

Yeah, she's going to want your money. All immigrant parents want your money. They love the money. And I'm not. Look, I'm like, I'm going to look at the camera. I'm not hating on my mom. No, you're not. Nobody's saying that. It's not coming across like that.

OK, it's just. Yeah, I guess she they can't. They don't understand it. Would that be what does that? Yeah, yeah, she comes. She came here and like, you know, the fifties things were different. Yeah, and now now she's got a son that's well off, but she's still in that mentality.

Does she tell you things like she's where it's like free medical? Holy shit. Oh, right. She's free is still free is still very exciting. Yeah, of course. Yeah, especially to immigrant mentality. Yeah. But does does she also tell you things that she like like my mom will be like like, I got my mom a set of really nice luggage

for a trip she had coming up. Yeah. And I bought her multiple pieces. Like I didn't just go, here's a suitcase. I was like, here's the suitcase. Here's the matching carry on. Yeah. Here's the toiletry kit that also comes with it. And here's the smaller handbag. So it all is a set.

Yeah, it's expensive. Beautiful. Yeah. And it's expensive. Like, it's, you know, the house is a dollar. Of course. Send it to her. Loves it. Loves it. Like a week later, she was like, do you know that they also make a backpack? And I was like, do we have the same mom?

I'm like, yeah, I mean, I know they make them. Yeah. And she's like, that would be nice. Oh, my God. All right. And then I send her like a backpack. She goes, you know, you say nice backpack. But it's like that's like the big backpack.

But they make a little backpack, too, for like little things you have to do. And the purse, too. I'm like, mom, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. What are you? Are you extorting me? Yeah. And then she's like, but I like it. Did you not want to take care of your mom? I'm like, all right.

I guess I'll fucking send you that. Yeah. Yeah. And then like we get together and I see them. We walk by a store. She's like, look what they make now. I'm never ending. Are you a fucking brand ambassador or something? Like how many trips are you going on?

And like, yeah, it just never never, you know, what you like you give. Don't feed the stray cats. Latina mom. Oh, it's done. Yeah. Like the Filipinos in any Spanish. Yeah, yeah. Any any Latino, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got Spanish blood in us. Yeah, you know, they colonize. Savages. Yes. Yeah. And that's why we have last names when your friend has. Yes. I have friends that are Ramirez's and in my family de la Fuente Santos. So yeah, but so does the same.

Yeah, yeah. It's like this trash. Right, exactly. Yeah, it's in Spanish. And then that's with the Filipinos. Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, then we also have words that are bad words in your language, but it's like dessert in art. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the weirdest shit, like mamon and puto. It's great, but but it's so funny because I was Christmas shopping with the whole family. You know, we you know, how you all go to the mall. We're all going to break off into groups and buy each other gifts.

And then, you know, we'll finish our day. They're going to expect some shit from you. Motherfucker, I come from. So you got me, Joe. Yeah, man. Yeah, no, worse. So so we're in the food court, right? We're all eating.

And of course, I got the Louis Vuitton bag. It's massive. Of course, that's moms, right? And then she's like, they said. I'm pretty sure that's one for me. I'm like, yes, mom, that one choice. Oh, I mean, let me see it. You know, I don't have to wrap it.

Why would you wrap it? Just let me see it. Mom, can you just wait for Christmas? It's three more days. Just wait. Just come on. Let me see it. Fucking show her.

She goes, I really like the white one. Oh, my God. It's the wrong one. I had to fucking go back with my mom. No. Hunt down the chick that sold it to me. Excuse me. Had to get the receipt out.

No. Then she got the bigger size as well. Yeah. And I'm just looking at this girl that. Mind you, you know, when you Christmas shop, you know, the salespeople always like, your mom's going to love it. It's this whole bond that you have with the salesperson.

And now we're both looking at each other like, this bitch. Yeah. Yeah. That's the one, the higher one. Get the longer hook. It's that one. It's the one. I don't know why he got the one down here.

I want that one. And then there's the untouchable one. They bring that down so I can touch it. There are just like the back. Yeah. The matching shoes on the back. Yeah. Like now do you believe I love you?

It's a nine. Why do immigrant moms love that shit? My mom died. There was like I first on first on first. And then the Gucci bag, Louis Vuitton bag, wallet matching in the in the big garish bro. I have broaches, so many broaches. I'm like, what?

Butterfly broaches. Fucking want all this dumb shit for anyways. You know why? I figured it out. I figured out why because it's like that. That is like a thing with Filipinos as well. Is it's the Louis Vuitton purse. I do a joke.

I do a joke about it where I go. It's a Louis Vuitton purse. It's the most expensive lunchbox you'll ever see. Because you go through their purse and it's nothing but snacks. They stole from salad bars. Hell yeah, dude. It's always like that.

So this is what I came up with when they come from poverty, which my mom wasn't. She's everybody. When they come here and they start coming to money, I think that's their way of showing they have. Like I'm here now. Yeah. Why put it in the bank account?

When I can just show you. You show you. You show you. I'm obsessed with all my eyes. Especially because you moved here. I love it. And it's a thing to be like, hey, letting people know, I might have come here from somewhere, but I made it here.

So it is like cultural. It's their way of showing the other. Yeah, their other. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Right? Yeah. I'm Filipino too.

It's just a little better than here. We have the same snacks. I just have a better bag. I remember when my mom married my stepdad. She used to go to this women's gym. And the minute she got that Mercedes, and she got her rock, and she got her furs, that's the first place she went.

Where, where, where, where? In the valley, she went to the women-only gym. And she wore the jewelry and the Mercedes for the workout. So all these bitches. So let everybody know. All these mother fuckers see that I am rich now. Fuck you, bitch. Yeah, I'm doing it now.

You see? You see my ring, bitch? Even when I'm not lifting, I'm lifting. Look at that. So heavy. So heavy. So fucking heavy. Oh, yeah.

It's cold. Left arm so much stronger than the right arm. Look at that. 100%. Every success. Success. Success. It's, it's true, man.

Totally, blinged out. And it's like they all came from poor places. That's another thing. We come from poor places, you want to show people. We do it though. That's the funny thing. We talk about them, but we do it too. Well, fucking, this one, have you seen his gold chains?

He's got a Lamborghini coming. I do not have money bags over here. I don't have a Lamborghini. Park glasses buying Lamborghini's mean. How many farts did it take to pay for this limbo? Excuse me. Hey, mom, can you shit on the floor now? Hey, Mahalo, you fucking.

You and Larry Ellison own Hawaii equally. Yeah. What the hell? This guy, four fucking arenas. I know. And you know, he talked shit about them, right? I never. He's like, you son of a bitch.

He's like these dumb fucking Hawaiians. You fuck you, you liar. Don't even start, Tom. He's like, Dorka, Dorka, Dorka. Oh my God, they're not Dorka. He's like, this shit, what's this shit all about? Tom texts me, he goes, hey, I'm going to tell everyone I got a Peruvian mom.

Is that cool? I'm following you on the gram, Joe, and I love Tabo. I'm a huge fan of Tabo. What is that? What is that? A Tabo could be anything. It could be a cup, a bowl, a cool whip container. It's really cool.

And it's right between the bathtub and the toilet. That little alley is called Tabo Alley. That's what my mom uses to clean her. Her anus? Yeah, or her front, mostly her front. Oh. Yeah, but yeah, that's what they use to clean. It's a little bowl.

Well, that, you know, yeah, that's what you use when you don't want to actually buy it. But you can go to Seafood City and they have a Tabo section, which is basically a cup with a longer handle, and you just reach, fill it up, and pour. Clean. Clean, yeah.

It's a bidet. That's kind of nice. Yeah, it's a broke man's bidet, but it works. Have you thought of getting her our Toto Washlet 350E? I got the sickest one from Costco for $200. Really? Do you have the same one? We have the Toto Washlet 350E.

It's Japanese. Do you respect them or not? No, just a lid. It's Japanese. I love the Toto, she's such a bitch. I know, I just bought the lid. That's what we have. Yeah.

But it's a Toto brand, it's the superior quality, the Toto, it's Japanese. I don't know, I had the ass warmer, I got the remote controls for one. Oh yeah, yeah, it's all that. I got the front and back cleaner. Hell yeah, dude, it's all there. It's a remote.

It's the same shit. Yeah, bro. It's amazing, it's a game changer. Amazing. It's like a real fucking savage when you're out and you shit somewhere and you're like, I'm just gonna mash it into my asshole?

Yeah, I know. I like this hot stream. And how upset do you get when you walk up to a public toilet and the lid doesn't automatically open for you? Oh, I know, I gotta reach down, pick it up. Peasant? Yeah, it's gross.

I love it, I love when it's shooting on my ass. And I'm like, you need to get in that hole, buddy. And then it move over and you just hear a thunderous splash. You know when it's hitting skin and you know when it's hitting the hole. The hole, yeah. It's a completely different sound. I like it hot too.

I love it hot. Get in there. Yeah, get in there. Yeah. Get that hot stream in there. You know what's funny is I've been talking about this on stage and people literally go, ew. And I'm like, you're ewing me?

Yeah. For cleaning my asshole? Yeah. Ew you. Yeah. There's a lot of you in here that still have a little bit of shit. Yeah, let's line up together

and show each other our assholes. I'll win. Yeah. I'll win. Sometimes I just sit on it when I don't even have to shit and I'm not even making this up. I've done that.

Oh yeah, just to clean up. Just to clean it up. If you feel a little gamey. I do that. I've come home. Yeah. And it's like. There's a little funk.

If you're feeling a little, yeah. I'm like, it's a hot day. Yeah, a little that. Like Coachella. Yeah. This is a fucking rich move. I've come home and like, you know, I think I'm gonna scratch my ass.

No, I'm gonna let the bidet do it. And then I just drop my pants and out of stream of water, scratch my asshole for me. That's amazing. Why use my finger when I can use Toto's finger? Yeah. Exactly.

Toto's finger. The Toto finger. That should be that commercial. That's the next. The Toto finger. Yeah. I just have it. Yeah.

I'll have the CGI turn it into a water. Yeah. It's a water stick. Yeah. I thought you meant a real Japanese person in your toilet. And then they leave. Oh.

And he's totally. Oh. Hey, this is a Gura. What a dirty baho you got. Here you go. See, he can do that. Isn't this Toto? You're allowed to do that.

Get over here. Oh. Hey, Tom, your butt hits you again. Get over here, friend. Arigatou gozaimasu. Arigatou. Mashimashita. He comes and he goes,

Oh, fat man. Fat American. Hey, Tom, don't sit completely. Just hover. You break a seat. Holy shit. Oh, shit. Yes.

Now, in the Philippines, did they have those toilets where is it a sit down style or is there a hole in your squats? They literally have tabos. It's just tabos. What, they shit in them? No, they don't shit in the tabo. They shit in the tabo and then pour it in.

Yeah. I don't know. Here he goes, just shit in the cup and then. I know. And then just throw it anywhere. For sure someone's done that. Just fling it at someone you don't like. How's Karakare?

How's Karakare? I'm sure. Are you picking Karakare? Just out of the blue right now? Yeah. It's a Filipino thing I know. Karakare is peanut butter pork. Oh, yeah.

It's very good. Do you really like it? I don't know anything about it. You son of a bitch. No. You just Google that. No, I had an audition once. And it was in the sides.

It was really? Yeah, yeah. The person said it. And I was like, You went for a Filipino person? No, no. He just had to say it. What kind of town do we live in?

Dude, that would be dead on for this kind of town, actually. For sure. And the star of the founder of the Philippines, Tom Segura. What? Tom Segura is Marcos. That would happen in this town, for sure. For sure.

What is this, by the way? I don't know what this is. What's on the screen? This is horrible or hilarious that you sent me. Oh. And we still haven't gone through my new TikToks, B.T. Joe. Do you, if we did, right? Yeah, we did.

The new ones? Yeah. For this episode? Yes. Oh, sorry, I forgot. Yeah. So if you think you might be. You watch this and you tell us whether it's horrible

or hilarious. Okay. Okay. Oh, I'm happy he fell out. Did he fall out? I think so. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that didn't sound good.

No, not at all. It was guttural, like it took an extra second for him to realize how much pain he was in. You know what I mean? You know what sucks is, did he fall on it? He got his wind knocked out, for sure. Yeah, he did. Can we hear it again?

I like the sound. Wind knocked out. Are you kidding me? It sounds like his spine went into his asshole. He's at least 20 feet up, right? Yeah. He's a 30. He's just leaning out.

Oh, then he falls. Oh, God. He sounds like a Florida State fan. Yeah. Did he land on a thorn bush? Like how humiliated? I mean, how many flips did he do? But at least it broke his fall.

And by the way, I don't think the pilots know. They're just like, yeah, they're gone. Just keep going. Yeah. They're just like, that's it. Oh. Now, all I hear is a seminal song. It's like really drunk.

I got like. Can you show him the original, the Asian one? So that, you know, it's like his world. And maybe he'll like feel a spurt and connection to it. Oh, right. You know? That's very nice of you. Yeah.

OK. But they're not Filipino. It doesn't matter. Oh, no. Hold on. Hold on. Are we going to see blood? No, no.

You promise? Yes. Yes. OK, because I have a weak stomach. I was just talking about. I can't even see. Like, I think everyone that sends a text. No gore.

If it's a video, send the send the buffer text. Like, hey, this is going to be bad. Yeah. And then send it. Don't just send the fucking video. It's not. We don't do. People don't really get hurt.

OK. No gore. Well, I don't know if you know this Christina, but the guy that fell out of the car or just he broke his dick. His collar bones broke. Yeah. But I mean, he's still alive. He's fine.

You know, you're fine. He's paralyzed. Collar bones healed. Yeah, he's paralyzed. This is just on a chair going. Oh. Who's got the seminal game on the chair? The guy's really.

Oh. You know what it kind of sounds like? It sounds like a like a guy's last seminal game. Yeah. Maybe like my grandfather went to Florida State. Yeah. And he's been a die hard fan. The bucket list.

And they just wheel him in. And they're like, this is it. Grandfather's like. OK. So tell me how you feel about this one. Oh, shit. It's fine. It's not bad.

It's not good. Ah. Oh. Tacula. Tacula. Stuck. Sorry. Don't pick him up.

I love Guy in the Red. Oh, he's the best. He cares. He's the best part of the whole thing. Hey, come on. We've got a feast of coffee. Hey, get up, asshole. Lunch not till 12.

That's exactly what that guy's saying. It is. What are you doing? I was doing it for him. Hey, come on. Come on. Look at the back of the car. It's a car.

OK. Car's OK, right? Is a car OK? Come on, asshole. They need a car. Oh, fuck. No effort. None.

His internal monologue is great. None have nothing to help. No. He's not interested in helping. He doesn't give a. His knees went the other way. Yeah. Literally.

He's fine. We checked it out. No, you didn't. Yeah, yeah. It's in Taiwan. And it was in the news there. Can you say Taiwan again? Taiwan.

What did I say? He said Taiwan. He was in Taiwan. And I was supposed to say what? Just Taiwan. Taiwan. Yeah. OK, he was in Taiwan.

And he was in Japan. He was in one of the eye countries. And I'm trying stuff. So the comments, the comments are bad. Taiwan. He was in Taiwan. Hey, asshole. Hey, asshole.

He was in Taiwan. Yeah. Is that better? Taiwan. Taiwan. Taiwan. Can you play him yell again one more time? See?

I don't. Yeah. The yell is the best. The yell is OK. The yell is the best. Pakula. Yeah. The scream.

Oh. Ah. Ah. Oh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. I don't think this part's. Pakula. You know, I've seen this 200 times. This is better than coming to America.

This is the funniest thing I've ever fucking seen. Just watched that last night, by the way. Is that the best movie ever? It's the best. Paula Abdul was an amazing choreographer, by the way. Did she do the dancing? She did that when the bride came in. Unbelievable.

You're definitely the first guy that's ever said that sentence. What? Paula Abdul was an amazing choreographer. She was. Because she had so much shit about how she is now. But what she did in the 80s and 90s, as far as choreography, was amazing.

She killed that movie. That whole movie was amazing. That whole movie was amazing. I believe. And why didn't they make trading places, too? I don't know. It kills me to this day. Coming to America, as what I read,

was that they shot it in 21 or 23 days. Did they really? So talented. Did he refuse the talent? Unbelievable. And he, the whole time, was making changes. Obviously, making it more his. But I mean, that movie is so fucking tiny.

I thought for sure that trading place. I remember sitting in the theater and cheering when he went, Watermoe, we're back. I was like, oh, is this really going to happen? Yeah. Anyways. Anyways. Back to the Asian guy getting killed.

I want to say something about that shop. Yeah? Real quick, the mechanic shop. It's in Taiwan. It's in Taiwan. It's in Taiwan. It's in Taiwan. It's in Taiwan.

Impeccable condition. Yeah. Clean for a shop. You're right. I never thought of it. Should look like a $0.99 store. What's this one? What is this?

It's going to suck. I said it's going to suck. Hey, I better do something. Tom, what is this? It's nothing. It's fine. Don't worry. Tom.

Ah! Ah! Don't make me too much. It fucking hurts so bad. Oh, god. Oh, god, it hurts so fucking bad. Oh, god. Ah!

I don't know if I do. I don't think it's that funny. Do you, Joe? I don't see you laughing. Oh, god, I knew it, man. Yeah. He snapped his knee. He snapped his leg.

Yeah, his leg broke. But again, he's fine. Why did they do that? Why did the military? Why do they still have the bullshit parachutes for like, whoa, whoa, whoa? Ah! All right.

I think we got his road on that one. Can you show him some TikToks? You know, you know, I don't. What's more fun? My TikToks are these. You know, I almost lost my leg, right? What? What?

Compound femur fracture. You did? You want me to, you want to see it? No, no, no. But tell me what happened. You want to see it? No. No.

Why? Is this a dick joke where you're like, here's my car. I'm being serious. Completely came out of my leg. I almost died in the hospital. But doing what? What'd you do? Riding a motorcycle.

Yeah. The worst fracture. I mean, that's why we're long pants. Everyone always asks me why we're standing. Oh my God. My whole leg was on fire. My ankle was shot. Wait.

So what's the circumstances of the accident? I was riding and then I got hit by another motorcycle on a trail. On a trail? Yeah. So then what? Do you have to like air lift out? No. We just sat there waiting for an ambulance to come.

Are you in shock? Complete shock. So you don't even know really the circumstances. I kept looking at my leg and just seeing the marrow looking at me. See, this is not funny. And that's why that, that just, oh, that was the worst. That was the worst day of my life. Well, like six surgeries?

Six? Six surgeries. How long ago was this? When was this? I turned 15 in the hospital. Oh my life. Your mother must have had a heart attack. Oh yeah.

She didn't like that. She always said, if you're going to ride that motorcycle, you're going to die. You were going to die. And then in the hospital, she goes, you should be dead. What city are you in? Where are you living? You should be dead. Yeah.

That was Tacoma, Washington. And Tacoma. Yep. Fuck man. Fuck me. Is that also a big place for you? For touring? Oh yeah.

Tacoma, Seattle. It's like home, right? Yeah. Please know more. My heart hurt. I can't. What is it? I don't even know what it is.

Don't play with me. These are bad, man. Yeah, they're so depressing. I'm showing everyone dying, Tom. Wait, what is that one? You know, this is a Russian one. Oh, this one's funny. This is my tribe.

This is funny. I promise you'll like this one. I promise. I promise. Tom. Just watch. This one's good. God damn it, Tom.

This one's good. I promise you'll like this one. No, Tom. That's a kid. No, Tom. That's a kid. Oh. I hate it.

At least she had the windshield wiper on. Yeah. Yeah. How'd she have the wherewithal to do that? I feel bad for her. Yeah, she's gone. But the they get rid of women when they do shit. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Christina wants to show us some of her TikToks real quick before we wrap up. Well, it's just a little palette cleanser, a little sorbet. Okay. Let him see the fun ones. Okay. Give him a fun one.

Jesus Christ. What? Set it up for him. Have you been on TikTok? What is TikTok? Okay. It's an app where people leave nice fun videos like this. They do like...

They're supposed to sing along a song. 10 to 30 second videos. Sometimes they're looped with music. It's supposed to be with them. Oh, I'm a dad. I don't... Yeah. She's really...

No, I don't do it either, but I just like to keep up with what the kids like. She views them. So I like to know what's going on in the world. And then she shows them to us. These are my favorites. Hey, sis. I'm checking water. But I'll talk to you later.

I got to go to the store. Are you drinking water? I hope so. So let me go to the store and get some water. You drank clean water. I'll call you back. Bye. Okay.

Are you in? Yeah. Okay. Are you in? What the fuck was that? Thank you. It's a TikTok. Are you fucking...

People said that? I don't like them. Said a different one. Next, I don't want it. This one's too creepy. I'm a little. Deal with it. You don't like it.

Get off my page. But you will not be mean to me or other littles. Let me see who else is a little on my page. Do you know what that is? I don't know what that is at all. Those are people who like to pretend to be baby. They're called babies. They're called littles.

They're called littles. And then other guys pretend to be daddies and they baby the littles who are also adults. This is awful. Thank you. They live among us? Yep. And Christina forces them on us. Now, what would you rather see, another catastrophic accident or a fucking TikTok?

I want to see the guy parachuting again. Yeah, that's what I thought. The last thing I want to do is get water with... Oh, sure. Yeah. I haven't heard from Roger. I told you I gave my phone number to him three times. So I guess he's pushing me off.

No, Roger. No phone number. No, Roger. Oh, well. You look like you just... You saw like a felony. You know what I mean? Like your face is like...

I have to call the cops. I don't know what the fuck... Well, Roger didn't call it. She gave him her number three times. There was all kinds of wrong in that. It's the worst thing ever. Hi, Lorne. I mean, hello.

My name's Prism. I'm originally from Neptune, but I went on Earth studying your floor and fauna for 22 years. I would like to go home now, please. Gil, I'm looking at you. Pick me up. Holy shit. What?

What the fuck? It's just good. It's called entertainment. Sorry, the curse. Cancel your cable. This is all I'm doing. Walking down the road in clown makeup, and the dogs walking behind me. She decided she was going to go for the walk, too, if I could make sure I didn't get no

goddamn throwboard. So, don't just hurry the fuck up. You a slow ass dog. We ain't never going to make it to the air conditioning. He's never going to make it to the air conditioning. Nope. And he does all of his TikToks in this makeup. Full Joker makeup.

This is crazy. I know. It's fascinating. These people. This is my favorite, too. Hey, can I top you off, baby? You know, I really wish this coffee was my spit, and this top was your mouth. I thought that would just be really, really great.

That's my favorite one, too. Yeah, that one's pretty good, right? That's crazy, man. I know it exists, and then we're all... Oh, yeah. This one's for you, but this one's for you. This is for you. This is your life.

You'll like that. This is your tribe. Okay. Holy shit! Don't tell the audience what you just... You just ate a brush, a hairbrush, with a Pokemon hat. Yeah. Oh, that's what that happens.

And I think... I like the hat. Then a little iced tea or Diet Coke or something to wash it down. You know, the Toto ass cleaner is not going to clean that. Her body is not going to digest that. It's coming out. Hard bristles. Hard bristles.

Yeah, how does it not puncture her intestines? Her shit is going to come out like a jackfruit. Have you ever seen jackfruit? Yeah, spikies. It's just a bunch of spikes. Yeah. That's not good for you. Oh, no.

I have had some requests for hex spells. So I thought I would start off with an easy one. It's a witch's spit spell. So what you're going to do is you're going to spit on the person's doorstep, the sidewalk in front of their house, their car, a chair where they sit. Somewhere that person resides quite frequently. And then you're going to want to go back to wherever you cast your spells. You're going to want to lick a black candle and then put your intention within that black

candle through energy work. And you're going to let that candle burn all the way out and then bury the remnant. That's all you got to do. Just five easy steps. There you go. She is really a witch. She might be. I'm not even joking.

Yeah. That is a real witch that lives among us. And she really does this shit. And that's why I think I'm going to stop eating it fast because we're short. Those are the ones that do it. If you had to vote, like, would you rather see the things that I was showing you or these tiktoks? Yours, yours are way better.

What? How better how? I feel like these are. This is this is kind of a peek into madness. Yeah. It's freaking me out that they walk among us. That's why I like it. I can't.

But that's why I like I'm intrigued like this is real. This is mad at the most though. The guy that gave them the phone, right? Like who signed them up? Like you should like how do they know one deserves a phone even a good credit. But aren't you surprised that they know how to do the app? Like these people know how to make it. But when they're signing up like the guy at like Sprint or T-Mobile, they're definitely

T-Mobile people. Yeah. Definitely. Or boost. Or boost. Boost is the end of the world. All right. What is this?

This is fine. This is normal. Is this yours, Tom? What town do you live in where that happens? Is that a carabao? What? A carabao? What did you say that was?

A carabao? What? What's that? It's like a big ball. A caraboo. Is it a carabao or a caraboo? Is that it? Where was that?

Was that in the Philippines? That looks like a carabao. It looks like some Eastern European shit, you know. No way. We don't have shit like that. The Philippines, those are called carabao. I thought it was like Spain, Latin. I thought it was like Kazakhstan.

Oh, yeah. Why? Because it'd be the furniture. The furniture. And the dude at the end who's not phased and just has a cigarette hanging out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That dude's just like fucking bullshitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, you're right. He's kind of like, ah, he does this when they come for a look. It is. It's like in Uzbekistan. He fucked up that restaurant. Oh, fucked up everything. And that was just one go-through. Yeah, one.

Just one. That was one shot. Took out everything. Tom, you're a sick fuck. Yeah. Who's more mentally? I don't understand how you're enjoying that yell. That is a yell.

Thank you. Okay, Joe. Someone just died in that video. Yeah. Who's more deranged though? Tom or me? Who's more sick? Play that again.

No one's dead. Someone died. No. Tom, are you not watching the fucking thing? No one's dead. Play it again. Watch. No, that's, yeah, very important.

Watch. Watch. Watch. Nope. Nope. You skipped. You skipped. And dead.

Dead. Play it again. But you can see. Play it again. For some reason, Tom doesn't know what he's seeing. Play it again. And right here. And dead right there.

That's where she died. That is the cry of a bothered woman. She's bothered. Bothered. She's not. She's uncomfortable. She's like, ah, like, it's like when a guy is leering at a girl, and she's like, get away.

It's like that. She's like, stop following me. You know? Tom, I don't know what I'm married to. He's very sick. I'm married. Okay. Who is sicker?

Who's more mentally deranged? Tom or myself? I don't know. For our viewing habits. Who do you think is? I'm a baby. I'm a baby. Bop, bop, bop.

I like a woman getting bored by a carabelle. Okay. Both of you are disturbing. Yeah. Well, who's sicker? I think Tom's sicker. No, I'm going to say you. Yes.

I think so too. No way. Because you're getting off on mentally ill people. Okay. And that's fucking. And you made the point that one of the screams was funny, which I think some of you. Screams are funny. Screams are funny.

But my videos are funny. Roger didn't say he was going to call me. Yeah, that's not funny. It's freaky. I laugh really hard. That's funny. Okay. See, I mean, potato, potato.

Roger said that you were going to call me three times and he not call me three times. Yeah. So I get that. No more water. And this is for some reason. Christina saved it. This one's funny. This one's funny.

Hi. This is Abe Screece with an important question. Jesus Christ. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you, well, it's true. That one's really good. That's from Christina's collection. That one's really funny, though. Joe, come on.

That's really funny. Do you ever wonder, and play it again. Please. It's really funny. That one's a good one. Hi. This is Abe Screece with an important question. Do you ever worry that you're retarded and no one is telling you, well, it's true.

And what are the other ones in that collection? Just so I know. You're right, though. The one about, he didn't call me back, and she was, that was just somebody. I like her collection as a whole. I should have put in more pieces. It shouldn't have just been that one item. Well, play some other hits.

I think he would like, I think he would also like The Blood, you know. No, Tom. No, no, no, no. It's not that. Did you get the popcorn? Oh, fuck. That's good. This is one of the daddies.

It's a movie. It's a daddy for a movie. It's this. Watching children's movies. I don't like that one because I have kids, too. So let's go. Hey, y'all. Oh.

I need your help in a bad way. I've tried Tums. I've tried baking soda in hot water. What gets rid of heartburn? Teeth. I feel like I'm going to die. She'd get chew those Tums. That's why.

Thank you. My ninner, my ninner, my ninner. It's Ranny. It's Ranny. Yep. Yeah. Okay. Talk to you later.

I'm going to eat it now. Okay. Stop. Just stop this fucking. Christina, you're a fucking weirdo. You're a fucking weirdo, man. Yes. See the thing.

Okay. Okay. Tom is Tom's fucked up, too. But it's something that we agree. You know, someone does something stupid. You break your leg. It's a whole lane, man. You're enjoying broken brains.

Those are these are Jesus Christ. This one's good. You'll like this. You'll feel real like this one. Thank God, though. Yeah. This public announcement goes out to all you bitch ass niggas that motherfucking claim that I'm a false blood bitch.

Call me out and see if I'm a fucking false blood. You niggas don't work. No wreck. Sulu. Bitch ass niggas. That's also in your feed. That's a good one. I don't think he's a false blood.

I don't think so. He's a black. 100%. Sulu. 100%. 100%. Yeah. Cripp.

Yeah. Are you? There you go. There you go. Sulu. All right. He goes. We got to we got to wrap up.

But who says it like that? Yeah. Cripp. I'm the Cripp. Lost my leg. Almost. Joe Coy coming in hot is available right now on Netflix. You can also you should check out his first one there live from Seattle, which is also

excellent. You have a podcast. I was I was a guest on. You were good. What's the what's the name of it? The Coy Pond. Jesus Christ. Is it that far?

No. I mean, there's a lot going on. I just I forgot. And make sure you check that out. And is there anything else worth any? I mean, all the dates are I'm assuming at the on the website, right? JoeCoy.com. You got a ton of dates coming up.

Yeah. We're getting ready to play that. I can't wait. There's so many cities that are. Are you doing a lot international dates? Yeah. A lot. That's cool.

It'll be fun, man. It's exciting. Yeah. Congratulations, man. You deserve it. Yeah.