Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 520-Melissa Villaseñor-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Our Jeans are missing one pant leg in the beginning of this episode. Christina takes the controls and it's starting out very TikTok heavy. Do adults wear overalls? Plus, the most regrettable of the regrettable tattoos. The Human Cockroach, Josh Potter is on the couch to help wade the TikTok waters. Tom returns along with our guest, Melissa Villasenor! Melissa is a Stand-Up and Sketch Comic who is a cast member of Saturday Night Live. Melissa talks about how she got discovered for SNL and meeting Lorne Michaels. We also get her opinions on "Erotic Hypnosis" and some Horrible or HIlarious. After a viewing of Charro's fart, we get some more SNL stories and a glimpse at some of Melissa's new impressions! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's one mommy one gene today, where am I looking at this one? My husband had to travel for work. He's very busy. He's gearing up to shoot all kinds of stuff So it is just it's myself and I have Josh Potter the cucaracha here today. Hey Anyways, I'm super excited that it's just us today Josh. Yeah. Because you know what that means. What does it mean? TikTok, you don't stop. He's not here to stop me. Wall to wall TikTok. Oh, all right.

So let's just get into it. I'm so excited. This one I've been, I've been, guys, I've been curating these painstakingly for you for weeks, saving the best content. Okay. This is, this is my favorite. It's a deep batch. Okay, let's go. Let's start with this gentleman.

Hi there. I'm back in overalls again. This day I got Key Brand on and their Hickory Stripe. I also got this Railroad Engineer's hat. Let me know what you think. What do you think? God. He looks like he's at a Let me know what you think. What do you think? God.

He looks like he's at a Cracker Barrel. Yeah. I wish. That shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone mother to this. Yo, mama in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. And Christina Pagitsi. Welcome to your mom's house. this intro is so long someone argue not long enough know. Those people are TikToks. So don't worry. The rest of this episode, we have Melissa Villasenor. I'm just doing the intro here with the help of Josh. But later, Melissa and Tom will be here. And just a special note, you may notice we don't bring up, what's the guy's name?

Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis. Yes. It was taped before he was even hired. Yeah. I mean, so otherwise, you know, we would have gotten the tea, but we did not. So it's going to be awesome. You guys are going to love it.

But first, should we get into this big stuff here? Well, I mean, yeah, this stuff right here. Let's go. All right. You guys, check out our merch store. We have so many items. What do we have right now nadov to tell these people and we have you know if you go to merch method.com slash tom segura you we have all new

two bears one cave merch shut the front door yeah you know the sweaters ran out but we already re-upped it thick boy nation thick boy nation yeah those are actually really cool sweaters okay so it's merch method.com slash tom segura for uh YMH merch for Two Berries One Cave merch. Also, check out our other shows. We have The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler, Dr. Drew After Dark, my favorite. And of course, Where My Mom's At, where I talk about real mom's issues,

but not in a lame way. And then the new one that Leannereischer and i are doing just for the month of october it's so over october where leanne dishes all the dirt on what life is like with burt kreischer is that what it's become pretty much because truth be told my husband doesn't struggle with sobriety that's not really an issue in our marriage. What about your, uh, your husband's new found love for guns? Are you excited about that? Oh, I'll get all into that.

Hopefully in this week. Okay. It's been, yeah. Bang, bang, shooting gun talking about, I'm like,

this is the betterment of yourself. That's what you guys are talking about. Oh wait, I missed the other one. There was one more, uh, podcast. I had two bears,

one cave. Oh, two bears, one cave. And there you have it. Um, okay. But again, since Tom is not here, you ready to see, podcast i had two bears one cave oh two bears one cave and there you have it um okay but again since

tom is not here you ready to see are we gonna go back to the conductor man i'd love to i mean only if you want me to josh i mean it was pretty interesting he had a lot of jeans on well he's clearly a fan of your mom's house is that hat jeans do you think you know what i love it i just bought a pair of overalls for my four-year-old, my three-and-a-half-year-old. This is what children wear. There is no reason for an adult to wear overalls, is there? I do. I actually really, like in the 90s, it was kind of a hot look.

Like TLC style? Yeah. That's kind of cool. But like these type of overalls? But here's the deal, too. Is it so you can work on a train? Like what is the utilitarian purpose of overalls? It's for fat people. but here's the deal too is it so you can work on a train like what is the what is the utilitarian purpose of overalls it's for fat people but here's the deal is that you don't look good in overalls when you are fat you only look good when you're like really

skinny and cute because you know your body is right well because they're called overalls they're over all of your fucking body so you're gonna see the whole thing you know you just blew my mind yeah but isn't there utility to the overall like it's a worker's outfit i get it if you're like uh to get on sorry something for grease to get on yeah because my dad was a mechanic and he wore the cover they're called coveralls and i was always like oh i wish i could wear coveralls just all every day of my life but But those aren't denim. Aren't they like made of a certain material? Like Dickies material. I picture overalls being like for people who handle nuclear waste and shit like that.

You know what I mean? Like stuff, people that work in a plant with chemicals, they wear those like yellow ones. Not denim ones. That's the thing. They wear like rubber ones. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Like in Breaking Bad.

Like weren't they always? Yeah, exactly. Like Breaking Bad. These ones, I don't understand this. It's like if you get grease in denim it's never coming out so well i don't think it's grease that it's gonna is the substance he's gonna have on again uh this day i got key brand on oh and they're hickory stripe and uh i also got this railroad engineer set let me know what you think okay it is flattering for his junk yeah like he's got a bit of a bulge going on down there like the overalls definitely can

accentuate accentuate your package you know it's just it's so bizarre so is this i'm assuming this is like another lane of like gay fetish where it's the is that the trains why you go straight to gay 100 maybe he just likes trains no boo boo no no babies do you think that's his you think that's what his angle is that he's gay sweetie look at his furniture and stuff i really think he's a train guy no boo boo this guy is he's gayer than two guys fucking he's gay you don't think he's gay what if he's just like the last grandpa left no boo boo nadav would you ever wear over would you ever sport the overalls like this guy is i mean if i start getting really into trains sure yeah any and he's the only man in there come on he's a real man any and he's got AIDS. He's wearing a mask.

I mean, again, you could pull anything off. You can. And he can pull off overalls. I guarantee it. It'd be like some fucking street wear by the time he got done with it. He'd be like, Oshkosh, bagash. They'd be like shouting it. Like, Su-woo, Oshkosh, bagash. Su-woo.

Oshkosh, bagash. Remember Oshkosh, bagash? Of course. Every three-year-old. Is that what your child wears? ash kosh su woo ash kosh remember ash kosh of course is that what your child wears now do they still have that you don't want no rip no I get him some shit from the gab bro yeah cause now it's like overalls are just children's wear

this guy's a pedophile before he's gay that's what I'm saying but would you wear the stupid kind he's got on with the denim the bib the high bib it's ridiculous i don't know sometimes the more ridiculous the more cool it is but i mean in this you are ridiculous i picture any wearing that without like a shirt underneath it you know what i'm saying and like maybe a chain or something a chain he doesn't wear a chain are you a chain guy he could be no i i don't really i't really. And he can rock anything he wants. I ain't got it like Tom yet.

You don't work no rep. Okay, let's go. Next one. Now, I also have a follow-up to the train conductor. Ooh. What's this outfit going to be? Oh, God. The hat.

No, wait. Where's his follow-up? No, we have. We only got to do one? Yeah. Okay, okay. We picked the one. You're right. You're right right you're right okay sorry so this guy too uh before we even roll let's do some checks is that some gum on his face what do you think you'll see just first i want to just look at the all the stuff this is a tiktok by the way i found this this is organic look at the fan check look at

the bad angle check the only problem is the lighting is good and the audio so is the lighting good yeah for her tip i feel like shouldn't you point away from the lighting like it should reflect is correct yeah okay we'll just roll on what he's got to say go ahead well i'm just on here and i'd give you guys an update and i've got my wolf tooth and collar with the pentagram on it. And I just would like to belong to somebody and have an owner. So is that a dental mistake or is that like a thing he put into his face, do you think? I like that he's like, well, I'm just here with my wolf tooth and my pentagram. Yeah, he puts it in there.

I see. I thought he grew that. No, it wasn't. It's his perfect smile. Haven't you seen people with like a snaggle thing going on like that? Well, goth kids, I knew goth, some goth people when I was goth that would have their teeth filed into vampire teeth. That's cool.

So that they could suck blood through them or whatever no just to look cool like a vampire i know you don't think vampires are fucking dope they are do you think kids did that when twilight came out yeah they started filing their teeth again put it this way humanity is so stupid and doomed that when there was a taco bell chihuahua people went out and got chihuahuas, and there wasn't a problem with people not caring for their chihuahua. That's how stupid people are.

Same with Dalmatians. Every time a new Dalmatian movie, 101 Dalmatians, comes out, the Dalmatian population booms, and people don't take care of them, and they end up in shelters. Well, I hope there's a movie about about adopting guys like this so this guy can get fucking adopted or owned or whatever he wanted you know why the pentagram necklace to go that

was just his collar i think that just came with the collar but what do you think the satanism has to do with being a wolf i wasn't aware of he's really blurring his halloween themes here i don't think they have anything to do with each other. He's a wolf who like Now so he's a wolf that wants to be owned. Yeah. They're wolves. Wolves are wild animals are they not? Wow. Good point.

You can't own a wolf. That's right. You can't own a wolf. They gotta be free. Well they run in packs. Maybe he's looking for a pack. Like in Twilight. But having a collar Team Jacob. It just goes against it all. Yeah the coll like in twilight but having a collar jacob it just goes against it all yeah the collars you can't put a collar on a wolf they got to be free up on that mountain you know that's such a good point josh did you watch any of the twilight films no i never it was a kind of i aged out of that. Yeah. And I wasn't like fucking around with girls that were Twilight heads or whatever.

Yeah. Because there's a team Edward who's right. I think if a girl is team Edward, she'd be more amped to date me as opposed to a Jacob. Although I have Jacob elements, you know, with my hair and such. No, you don't. Oh, right. Oh, right, right. I have wolf like elements. know, with my hair and such. No, you don't. Oh, right. Oh, right, right. I have wolf-like elements.

I'm like a blend. Yeah. I'm team Edward and team Jacob combined. Yes, you do have a pasty palette. Yes, I'm gaunt. Like Edward. Or whatever that word is. Gaunt.

Gaunt, yeah. Yeah. A bit. And you look unhealthy and like you don't go out in the sun ever. Right. Eyesight is weird. Right. Okay. and then on the jacob side i'm hairy like a wolf yeah jacob is hot though he's like he's like ripped and shit

yeah like if you know the girl if she likes to fuck she's team jacob yeah yeah yeah because he's like like the hot puerto rican guy plow away. He's going to fucking fuck you. And he's got that wolf strength and shit. Yeah, 100%. Do you think that guy's got some wolf strength? Do you think he fucks like Jacob? No, no. But Edward's all fey and he'll French you a lot. Yeah, yeah, he'll finger you good.

He'll finger you. Yeah. But he don't fuck like Jacob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so glad we had this time together. Yeah, we talked about, remember we were going to talk about hand stuff. You were curious about your hand game or whatever.

Well, because you were telling me that with certain ladies that you go into phases. You're like, we do hand phase and then mouth phases. Well, hand and mouth phase is kind of one and the same. Oh, wow. So you start with a hand. You start with like making out, then you get to hand stuff mouth stuff and then you uh you up the ante to the matzo ball which is p and the v but you uh you jump straight to p and yeah i'll tell you what i do because in my mind

putting my mouth on someone's p is so intimate and I'm like, look, if I'm down to like suck your ween, you're going to probably end up in my vagine anyway. But before, let's just go. Before vagina and mouth, you don't do hand. No, I'll just,

because I've decided like, let's, first of all, I'm not a hoe. Like I'm not like a hoe like these girls are with, you know what I'm saying? Like I don't. That's kind of mean.

I know the people. We don are with. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't. That's kind of mean. I know the people. We don't shame. Oh, yeah. But with Tom, I was like, let's go full throttle. Like, I'm all in. And then I'm just, then I decide if I like you. I just do it all. You just go straight in.

That's interesting to me. That would, I feel like I need something to grease the gears. So you do a hand test. Yeah, I like a little hand action. People poo something to grease the gears. So you do a hand test? Yeah, I like a little hand action. People poo-poo the hand like they're like, no one can do it like me or whatever. But I think it's a good appetizer. You know what I mean? Like you're not going to eat edamame for a whole meal.

You're going to start with it and you're going to have a little bit and then you're going to move on to the main course. And plus you can tell like if you do the taste taste test like does it do this person seem healthy the taste test now that is interesting i would feel like i know women who have done straight to the mouth which i think is fucking dangerous but just go first like oh yeah i'm in a dark car let's just yeah a lot of women do that because they feel like they owe you something and then if if they do that, then it's, but don't you want to assess the situation with the hand? That's what I feel like the hand is like. It does a multitude of things. It gets things going.

Yeah. Pump some blood in that area. And then also on the woman's end, you get, you can kind of sense of what you're going to be dealing with. Yeah. Is there a bump on here? Yeah.

You know, is it oily? I don't know. Like what's, Oh, you're so fucking nasty. I mean, don't you want to know these things before you put a penis inside of anything? Well, yeah, but I usually get to know the person so I can get a sense of their self-care. I don't know. You get down there, it's another story.

I don't even know. You're probably just a petri dish. I told you, my penis is the cleanest part of my body yeah but you're it's not the cleanliness it's it's the disease factor oh you think i'm you really think so i get tested for what for all of them i go through the you go herps of course they have to swap your dick for that don't they i mean they can tell if you don't have herpes. No, it can incubate for up to seven, four years, something like that. And then warts, they have to. I've definitely got the swab.

I don't know. I thought I got a clear and clean bowl of health. I thought they do the gamut when they fucking take you in there. I don't know. I thought they run you through the whole thing. You do a whole panel as they call it or whatever. I think you have to ask. For the herpes?

God, all right. Yeah, you have to ask. I think it's a blood draw for herpes. I'm not sure. What? Yeah, I think it or whatever. I think you have to ask. For the herpes? God. All right. Yeah, you have to ask. I think it's a blood draw for herpes. I'm not sure. What? Yeah, I think it's blood. I mean, you're going to have to ask Dr. Drew about these things because I could have swore.

Let's ask Dr. Drew about it. All right. Yeah, put that down. You have many STD questions. I think I'm fine. I mean. I just don't trust men. I feel like you're.

You guys are so reckless with your peeners they're like put it anywhere don't you think a vagina is more susceptible to like scariness yes it is and that's what i'm saying that the the vagina is is really an incubator for disease and then you guys are like i don't wear condoms i don't give a shit i won't come and then you put your peener in that and then you give it back to me you know what what I mean? Like you guys are the spreaders. Like, yeah. Cause we just dip our dicks into wet holes. And inside it's like, it's like, where do,

where does West Nile virus come from? It's like a swamp. You know what I'm saying? Like distilled water. So, right. I mean, yeah.

Yeah. Anyways, I've got one final tech talk for you. And then we'll, we'll move move things along I know some of you are not fans of tick tock which I can't fathom I'm at the water champ on the talk if you want to follow me I make my own original content I curate many things your Instagram's been fire lately fire thank you thank you the stories if you want to see what I'm curating go to my Instagram stories I put them up there and And those are the tame ones.

Yeah. You should see the ones you text. No, hold on. Let me send this. Let me set this guy up. Oh, God. I've been sitting on this for a while. My friend 95 Pigeons.

Thank you. Shout out to 95 Pigeons. Sent me this one a while ago. And this is one that has stuck with me for a couple weeks this is a gentleman who's made some bad decisions see if you can guess what the decisions are you know i do gotta say i appreciate all the comments you know we all make mistakes i thought i was Mr. Cool. The happiness on my face has been a destruction to my life.

What? Mentally, emotionally. No. I can't have a decent life with this on my face. What? Drugs and alcohol kind of took me out there. Yeah. Far beyond space can reach. And I'm trying to turn my life around yeah and try to be

the best of the best i can be whatever god makes me to be i'm his vessel oh now it's about time i'm 35 years old i i need to do something good with my life. Oh, and that was his Grammy coming out of it. So for people that are just listening, describe the kind of face tattoo. Go ahead and Google, is it Bozo the Clown? Well, there's a new film out this week called The Joker. And in it, he paints his face quite similar to the... Is that right? Is this The Joker? It could very well...

Well, Theoker just used makeup and he's an insane serial killer so this guy went even fuller and just got it tattooed fully on his face like fully on his face mouth all around his mouth black too can you imagine doing mouth stuff with that guy tattooed up this guy if you google like old school bozo the clown it's actually i think a ripoff of that a ripoff sorry an homage to the original you know like the hobo clowns yes that's what i mean it looks like that i don't know if it's bozo is it bozo or hobo it's like the wino type of clowns that are like wearing a floppy so you know bozo the clown it's like also a rodeo clown this man had it tattooed on his face thick black bars over his eyes the mouth is totally tatted around it like a black thing he's got the cheeks

he's got a big polka dot on his nose on the tip of his nose it's fully in black and he blames drugs and alcohol for the tattoo well he's like i was really messed up and i got i've never seen that ever that was my first time watching it and i thought at first he was saying that the tattoo was the reason his life was in shambles and he's like you know drugs and alcohol they didn't even come close to destroying me as much as this tattoo i think you're right sorry i failed to mention that i took a deep dive on this man's account okay so you know all about i know all this history so what happens yes the believe it or not kids when you get bows of the clown tattoos on your face kind of makes it hard to be employed to date women wherever he lives i guarantee it's already hard to be employed you know what i'm

saying and then to put this in there also it really throws a wrench in the works like come on man like you can't blame the down economy when you're fucking tattooing your face dude it's it is wild that he uh i mean he committed and I can only imagine the conversation leading up to this decision. You know, where he's with his friends and he's ripped and he's like, well, you know what's funny? It's that guy. Oh, my God. Face tattoo.

And they're like, good idea. I bet his friends weren't even like good idea. They were like, don't do it, dude. That's insane. He's like, no, I'm a rebel. You know, I'll go against the grain. And his grandma's probably like like you've been living here too long isn't it wild though his hair is like really nice yeah i guess he goes to the barber

right so he's got to maintain himself around this horrible facial tattoo he tried to get a good imagine he's like i got a job interview tomorrow so he got his hair cut really nice and he's like i gotta really like spruce up everything else to hope that they just see past oh you're probably remarking on my face tattoos he just tries to get through the interview without bringing it up i like what i want to encourage more people though to talk about their mistakes on social media i agree this is a fantastic lane this is a whole new area regret regret videos because usually it's like i'm flossing i'm the best i'm greatest this guy's

like i fucked up we need more of that that's a great idea josh yeah wow yeah their facial tattoos are definitely a barrier to um employment to leading a you have to find a real down girl well i'll tell you what my buddy 95 pigeon he's actually he's got some cool facial tattoos well his look cool yeah he looks like he's in a band or something he i think he is i think he does a he's cool as fuck he works in the um you know kitchens so i think those also he's like handsome yeah he's good looking you could do something yeah it's like art where this guy's just like, well, I'm a schlub. And I should be drawing people away from my face, but I'm going to go the opposite direction. So this guy put me on a deep dive down to his content.

And yes, he's had some problems with drugs and alcohol. And he's been clean now for a minute. What if he had the problems with drugs and alcohol after the face? Right. Then you got the just kill yourself. Just cause him to turn to drugs here's a gun yeah now this guy though so i did a dive on is it possible to really get out tattoos because i just met a friend over the weekend in tennessee when i was there and he had a tiger over his heart for so many years and he had it removed but you can still see remnants of like dark ink and especially when you get black ink and this is like shaded in black

ink this isn't like a dot it is a thick thick bars of color it is extremely difficult to get this and it doesn't look like he can grow a thick beard either. No. That would cover like a fraction of these tattoos. Well, that's what he should just grow some beard, whatever he can. Yeah. That spotty ass shit that he probably grows. He just looks like a spotty beard face. This is crazy. But then he has the black ink to fill it in.

Yeah. You know, so it would look like a fuller beard. That's a good point. Try and hide it. I don't know. I'm trying to give him some tips. Joe, I think you're right. Oof, the eyebrows are rough. The bozo eyebrows. That one's going to hide it. I don't know. I'm trying to give him some tips. Joe, I think you're right. The eyebrows are rough.

The bozo eyebrows. That one's going to be tough. Yeah. But apparently, so to do this, what they have to do is laser your skin and they essentially burn a layer of skin every time you go in it. Take, there he is. So this is him getting. Oh, and that's the insane clown posse tattoo on his cheek as well.

Yeah. I think that's what he's going Yeah, he's a juggalo. I think that's what he's going for. He's a juggalo. Now it makes so much more sense. This is definitely an homage to the insane clown posse. Oh, this is the dumbest human alive. Family, woot, woot.

Oh, my God. Look at this. Look how painful that is. So they have to scorch a layer of your skin, and basically the skin grows back i believe and it it it unearths the ink layer by layer by layer but so you have to do this over the course of two or three years you have to wait for the skin to grow back so that takes about two months and then you keep going back and going back because i i watched this thing on youtube

about this other guy who was totally covered in face tattoos too and his neck and he's like my kid's afraid of me all the other parents don't like me i'm like well yeah you look like a maniac dude does this guy have health insurance how's he getting this done he can't afford my and look at his teeth are all just he had a piercing under his lip that looks like shit too They should do a layer Of his teeth Can you imagine And look at Right by his eyes Like He's gotta do it

On his mouth Basically That's fucking nuts It's gonna hurt So bad You're gonna have to Is he gonna do the eyelid Boo

Yes He fucking No not the lid It stops at his eyebrow It's his eyebrow He might be The dumbest person I've ever seen At least he's trying not the lid it stops at his eyebrow he might be the dumbest person i've ever seen at least he's trying to rectify it you know it's one of one of those things you could look back and laugh at you think i just hope they can get it off of his face i because it's so thick that ink

how old do you think he was when he did that probably Probably 31. He's like, I'm 35 right now. It's like, I got this done two months ago. Man, I know that's a really good point. To do this in your 30s, like in your 20s, gotcha. All right. You got carte blanche in your 20s. Let's say best case scenario, he got it done in his early 20s. That means he's been walking around this way for 12 years.

He's lived his life this way for like a third of his life this is a juggalo this makes so yeah that's definitely a juggalo so wait josh do you have anything you regret on your body no i never got any uh tattoos but i did have an eyebrow piercing for a minute and i was 25 i was when i was 25 a girlfriend goes you need to take that out of your head and i was like yeah you're right was it the circle i didn't have the circle i had the two dots whatever that is the stuff i that's kind of cool actually it was kind of cool but i i couldn't do it today no way i'd look like a fuck no you look like a fucking idiot in your 40s like i see people walking around in their 60s with like sleeve tattoos sleeve tattoos. I'm like, it looks crazy. I'm only in my 30s. Pump the brakes on the 40s talk.

Oh, it's coming. I know. But there's two things I secretly, well, not secretly, I just, I love. I love the door knocker piercing. I would have a door knocker if I could. In your nose? Love it. I think it looks dope.

Is that like a pig would have, you know? Yes. Like, now like a, what is that? Like a barbell pig would have? Yes. Now like a... Like a barbell in your nose? Yeah. No, no, the hoop. Like a boar? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like that. The door knocker. Like Bebop and Rocksteady from Ninja Turtles? Fuck yeah, dude. That shit looks tight. Look at it. Oh, these look so badass. There you go.

Some door knockers. I like that. That looks like a cow. That's terrible. Or some shit. Laughing cow. Okay. And a cow. That's terrible. Or some shit. Laughing cow. Okay. And I also want knuckle tattoos.

I do like the way they look. Knuckle tattoos? What is that, a stud? No, the job stoppers. Oh, knuckle tattoos. I was thinking piercings again. My bad. I'm sorry.

Yeah, no, I do like knuckle tattoos. Yeah, they look dope, right? What would you get rid of them? Okay, here's what I'm going to do, bro. This is my plan. I've told Matt Fulshron and I came up with this. When i'm gonna do bro this is my plan i've told uh matt full strong and i came up with this when i get so wealthy this is my dream one day i'm gonna make so much money i have so many millions of dollars that i'll have fuck you money and then i can do whatever i want so i'm gonna tattoo f-u-c-k-y-o-u and then a dollar sign so anybody's like what what's up with

your knuckle tats be like well i got fuck you money fuck you don't ask me shit there's only so many things it's like a license plate you know'd be like, well, I got fuck you money. Fuck you. Don't ask me shit. There's only so many things. It's like a license plate. You know, there's only so many things. It's kind of dope. Fuck you money. Fuck you money. I get it now.

I thought it was just fuck you dollar sign. No, fuck you money. I got fuck you money. You could do gay sex 69. Gay sex. Gay sex 69. It fits. Could you imagine me going to like school events with my kids? And I'm like, Gay sex 69. It fits. Could you imagine me going to like school events with my kids?

I mean, it's like I said, it's like a license plate. There's limited things you can get. What about FGTRTD? Oh, there's not enough maybe or you could get you get it split up you do like f g t and then you do r t d but then you put like a thing in here like a jeans yeah two jeans yeah yeah yeah yeah in the middle i'm so glad we're talking about this yeah that's a good one now people are gonna do that i know i know that's the scary part oh anyway you could do tick oh tick tock is the same problem it's only six words you don't ever

want to do that like oh no tick tock on your knuckles people i did road rules with uh two or three of them got road rules tattoos on their bodies and they regret it of course why it's still a thing that they did yeah but it's a job you had once yeah that's right that's silly um i have a tramp stamp that i do want to get removed because my little one of my kids saw what is it do you know it's a dragon it looks it's small it's like this it looks like one of the things you could point at a hundred percent not original we were all getting tattoos on road rules in Australia. And I was like,

I just get one of these. And I was like, I like dragons. They're cool. I'm year of the dragon. Like one of those dumb. Were you toasted or were you just like, no,

you're just like, I'm going to do this. I was 20 years old. That's how you just have to be 20. It's stupid. Like I just get a tattoo once in my life. I always had the opinion of like, I can't have

something that permanent on my body i'm gonna change my mind immediately of course the second i do it fuck what about you native any piercings tats any he's jewish he can't have it oh that's right you can't get buried in a jewish cemetery yeah i mean that's not important to me though um no i don't have uh any tattoos But I mean I would totally be You know I could be convinced If something's funny enough or stupid enough To get a tat? I wouldn't want my tattoo to be funny or stupid either

It's on my body I gotta live with that everyday Like you go to your grandma's funeral And it's like yeah I got this fucking wacky Penis on my body or whatever the fuck it is You know What about you any tats piercings i'm clean bro really i'm clean i kind of see you having a cool guy tattoo i feel like he could

rock the inner arm like this thing i'm like actually cool yeah but i feel like uh i feel like any has the same thing as me where it's like the permanence of it is too much yeah mentally doesn't want to commit it's it'd be a big decision for sure right it's like there's tons of thinking that yeah i feel like i feel like i would regret it no matter what no matter how cool i thought it was at the time exactly at some point you'll regret it because you don't like i don't there's very few things i've liked since i was 14 i like the pixies i like the clash i like bow house right other than that you get all that on your tattoos like that's the thing all the things i like would be stupid i'd look like a nascar car you know what i'm saying and i i would have to go

if i were gonna do it i'd have to go full bore where it's like sleeves sleeves are tight though yeah i would look cool with sleeves too yeah i feel like my arm hair acts like from a distance it could be like does he have sleeve tattoos like you're a full black from far away it's just kind of like now what do hairy people do with tattoos i feel like it would be a waste too because if i got sleeves i'd have to like shave my body all the time what a nightmare and i like chest pieces too those are tight i wouldn't even be able to show through my dad has uh tattoos and he had i think he like just got it in a spot that hair doesn't really grow your dad has tattoos oh my god yeah he's cuban though he's greek oh greek well because foreigners

and he has greek words oh god and like a tribal. And he got it in his 45 or something. Oh my God. That's the, that's, I would say worse than a tramp stamp is the tribal band. It was the 90s in his defense. Yes, same. But he was also 45, so. See, because usually foreigners are of the mind that like my dad always be like, tattoos are for prisoners. It looks like shit.

Right? Like they don't, foreigners aren't so like especially our dad's age my dad started uh wearing muscle shirts and driving sports cars and then he was like i'm gonna get a fucking tattoo so oh my god yeah do you think you got your ability to crush puss from your dad a hundred percent yeah what do you think you learned from him share with us your jedi um well what i've learned from him not in terms of what he does but from him in terms of like to do what he doesn't do is probably don't get married yeah unless it's like you're really into it yeah that goes that's great advice yeah for all the men listening don't ruin some woman's life if you're not yeah or just or yeah

just fuck if you want to fuck around fuck around but yeah you don't got to put a ring on the first one that you're like oh god this one i love her yeah all right we'll see how it goes for a little while yeah because you're like bitch i could bust nuts and lots of josh gets all embarrassed i do i do because i i don't i don't know it's you're you're like infatuated with this idea that i'm having a lot of sex you are i mean for me it's a lot like yeah you're right no joy may i just tell those i'm gonna tell the audience what we we were at flip hairs by the way flappers i do my i've extended my residency every th. We're at Flappers, and the cutest, hottest patootie comes out of the showroom, and is like,

hi, Josh, and does that hot girl hug. And I was like, you gotta be kidding me. Like, cockroach, I love you. I know, it is fascinating that it's happened. You're the cockroach. She's particularly pretty yeah like how are how are you doing i don't know you'd have to ask her or any of them you'd have to ask any of them i don't know the answer i don't want to know the

answer i want to know whatever's happening it's happening and i'm into it i'm into it too and i'm happy for you and i'm i'm not coming at this from a hater perspective. I'm coming at this from a tutorial perspective for the other men listening. What are you doing that they can do as well? Is it the personality? I hope so. I mean, it has to be something because it's definitely not. I'm not handsome. Well, let's not say that.

Well, I mean, I said this on the honeydew that just came out, but the fact is I know what I look like, and the fact that I do get any attention from women is amazing to me as well. So it's not like something that I'm going like, yeah, of course this is happening. I'm like, I know, right? This is crazy.

That's what it is. It's because you're not like, that's who I'm fucking hot. Because that's the grossest thing in the world. Yeah, I'm definitely not going to ever say that about myself. Okay. Well, we'll get into it later when Tom returns because I have a feeling he'll want in on this action. So let's get on with some business

and then we'll do our interview with Melissa Villasenor. So first, let me plug away. Fppers again in the YouWho room every Thursday. The Cockroach comes with me and then Irvine October 17th. Are you doing that show with me too, Cockroach? What, Irvine? I can. I haven't. You haven't mentioned it.

Oh, OK. October 25th, Pasadena. I have an eight o'clock show, a 10 o'clock show at the Ice House. That's going to be freaking so rad. And then Flappers, the 14th of November, the 21st, Flappers. And then Seattle almost sold out at the Neptune Theater, guys. I don't think I'm going to add a second show. So if you want those tickets, snap them up.

There's literally a handful left. November 23rd, Portland, Oregon at the Aladdin Theater. Again, those are almost completely gone. So snatch them up, homies. December 5th, I'm the you who. December 12th, I'm the you who. December 19th, you who, motherfucker. And then 2020 dates are going to be coming up soon.

I'll be hitting, I'm just a little put out there, Jewdork titties. I'll be returning to Des Moines. Is that in Iowa? Des Moines. Yeah. Some other places. Forgotten already. Speaking of Dimois. My husband.

Is this tomorrow night? Anyway, Dimoins. Go see him there. Tom Segura. Lincoln, Nebraska. He'll be doing that. Sioux City, Iowa. The 11th Mini Apple Tits.

Again for two shows. And Fart, North Dakota on the 12th. And then he goes to Europe, and he starts in my homeland of Budapest. And then the 27th, the Netherlands, Amsterdam, Antwerp, Belgium. He goes to Paris and London. I'm so jellies. I wish I could go. Salford, Dublin, and where else? Oh, oh, oh, and he just told me to tell you guys he added a show in New York.

November 6th, November 7th, he just added a show in Judork. So look that up as well. Yeah, the Judork Titties one. And then Ben Salem. And then Barfalo. 11-9, 11-10 Syracuse. We go to Charlotte, Pensacola.

Jesus Christ, how does he do this every week? Austin. I got to tell you, Austin again in November. Go, go, go. Melbourne, Florida. Miami. Erie, Pennsylvania. Columbus, Ohio.

Grand Rapids, Michigan. Windsor, Ontario. My birthplace, Honolulu. And then Kalukulakalukuhai Kahului Hawaii I'm not sure where Kahului is I apologize if I am mispronouncing that I think it's Kahului

Kahului I have no fucking idea I was just gonna Look at how much my husband works Boo Boo I love you And can I tell you something For all the wives listening I'm gonna brag about What a fucking rad wife I am Cause I know my husband works a Boo Boo, I love you. And can I tell you something for all the wives listening? I'm going to brag about what a fucking rad wife I am

because I know my husband works a lot. When he comes home on Sundays, we have treats on Sunday. And I cook just for him because he works so motherfucking hard. And I pet his bear fur and I love him. Look at all the shit he does. Not all the time. I was sick a lot this month. But I take care of that painter. Don't you worry about it.

I love you Tom Segura. Thank you for working so hard for my family. Let's get back to our show. Just like you, we are often disappointed in the caliber of guests that comes here, but not this week. This week, we have a verifiable

super talent, a hilarious hilarious person a good person the wonderful star of saturday night live melissa via senor thanks for having me guys and ymh alum alum now for those who may not know a long long time ago it's over four years. Over four years. This is Redondo era. Yeah, when you called, I was at my parents' house in Whittier when I did that. Really? Gloria Estefan, yeah.

I was like, Mom, let me do this impression. Back off. And by the way, didn't you end up, jumping ahead before I jump back, didn't you end up doing Gloria also on SNL? No, never. No? I thought you did do her. I thought it was like a Miami sketch.

Oh no, that was just a Miami girl. Okay, okay. Well, she's super Miami, you know? She embodies what Miami is. But what we did was we took the conga song, right? Yes. And we put farts. We made it better.

We put farts over like every horn like, did we do that conga? So we did that and then we were like we want gloria to hear this so we were trying to get the audience to reach out to her but before that we actually had you pretend to be gloria estefan and it was hilarious and you called in right you called and was it a conversation we had yeah we had a you guys were like Gloria how did you come up with this song and I think it Ella remembers I go I was just I was in the tub with bubbles yeah I just dance I don't remember how to yeah yeah yeah that's right and then she we kept urging the eyes got it you got it please tag her please ask her ask her and then

we got the call. And then. Did she ever come to? No, but she did a recorded phone call. And so did Emilio, her husband. And he was like, what key is that? What key is that? Fartum. He asked me that.

And then. That's so cool. And then she told the story about writing the song. We got to ask her. And then I was like, do you want to go on stage together? And how we split ticket sales. And she was like, yeah, you need to talk to Sony. She was, but she was hilarious about it. She was really, really nice.

Such a good sport. Isn't that the best when they just go along with it? Yes. I just, I feel like I, when I did that Nickelback sketch on SNL, that was from a standup bit, but Nickelback, they loved it because that was an old lady dying.

That was her last words. I never made it as a wasp. And then I'd just die at the end. But they were so cool about it. They like tweeted like, man, we'll always miss our biggest fan, Mrs. Gomez. She was the best. And I was just this old lady.

That's awesome. Is that rare though, when celebrities go along with it? Is that? Yeah, because I don't, well, most of them do. I think comediansians we love ourselves so we just want to hear all the impressions and everything of ourselves but i think i think musicians maybe other are more sensitive maybe yeah i don't know i don't know yeah i think i think well i never heard anything from gaga i hope she liked it you've done i think so it's so funny

to think about now though too like thinking about back in the day which is only like you know like less than a decade ago but like being like oh this is like this is the type of person like you that should be on an snl but then you go like that's a crazy thing to say you know like it's such a i don't know it's the peak it's the top of the mountain it is nuts but once i actually started saying it out loud, I was like, it was going to happen. Really? I started practicing that law of attraction. I started saying, like the spring before I even got the show or knew it was coming up,

I was just starting to say my name was in the credits. Really? I started pretending. Wow, I did not know that. Yeah. And so that was like the, you really put that out. And I always thought that was crazy to do when people would just say like, I be on that show i was for many years always like oh i can't say that that sounds weird no that's how you do it that's what i remember tom i used to do that with you like i'm

manifesting i'm going to be on netflix i'm going to do this yeah that's always how you do it and then you figure out a way it comes and when you were saying that like yeah I'm going to be on SNL. Yeah. And I remember a time when you were kind of in between stuff and you would just crank out these impressions on Instagram. You did Haley Joel Osment. Oh, man. You did Gwen Stefani. Yeah. But it was, I mean, you saw the talent.

Everyone could see you. Oh, wait. What's the brother? Owen Wilson. Dude, Owen Wilson Just thanks, guys. What's the brother? Owen Wilson? Dude, Owen Wilson. Hey, yeah, it's great to be on your mom's house. Oh, my God. I love this house.

Can I just take a nap here sometime? Oh, my God. Man, these microphones sound real good with the impressions. Yeah, that's awesome. That's what I need to use. Yes. I'll just come over here on your off hours, and I'll just work on some voices.

Dude, that is amazing. Wow, you guys. So wait, you started putting it out there. And like, is this the thing that you're telling your, also whoever your rep, you're like, I want to be on, like get me an audition. Is that part of the conversation? No, it's just more about me believing in it myself. Yeah.

That's, I think, the key to it. And there's always these crazy stories. Like they're famous now. There's shows on i think the key to it and there's always these crazy stories like they're famous now there's shows on them about the auditions is was it like the most terrifying thing to audition well i auditioned first when i was 21 which i was a baby and but i did some solid impressions you did so i got that but i wasn't funny person you know yeah yeah i think that's better to be a funny person and so this is how long between your first you so you did twice yeah i auditioned that time and then seven years later i auditioned seven

years later i think wait let me do the math i have to use my fingers to count that's how i count too okay good yeah like when you do the tip at restaurants oh yeah oh forget it i always go like what's 10 percent multiply that i asked the waitress i don't what is it what are you what's time yeah i think it's like i don't know 20 20 2009 or 2010 audition and then 2016 i got the show okay i don't know what that is but hey that's i mean was it okay so to go back to that when you when you didn't get it in 2009 or 10, were you crushed? You're 21. Yeah, I was like, yeah.

You were devastated by it. Yeah, I was like, forget it. I'll just become a geologist. Yeah, yeah. I don't know why. I was like, maybe I'm a rock. Maybe I'll just have to study dirt or something. But you kept plugging away.

You're like, I'm a dirt digger now. Actually, I. No, but I did. I was going to school. For real? Oh, you went to school? Yeah, went to school yeah no no i was just like at junior college i didn't go to a real okay i mean not to say that wait so you're saying you really did go back to school and you kind of gave up a little and yeah and i was finding other

hobbies i was doing polymer clay figurine like i was making figurines and drawing and hiking i was doing volunteer work for woodier like taking kids from schools on hikes to teach them about just because i was like trying to find other things so so i couldn't be near that comedy stuff and i was feeling but then i was feeling a lot of you know you feel that sadness come up when you're like i should be doing this other thing it alerts you and then i kind of had to go back it just will keep reeling you back in because you're meant to be doing this other thing it alerts you and then i kind of had to go back it just will keep reeling you back in because you're meant to be doing it and that's when you started putting your stuff on instagram yeah i think so and then america's got talent happened which was good

and then i was on the road i was forced to like work on my stand-up more and then, you know, I always submitted a reel every summer. And then by the year that I didn't really care at all about it, I mean, I kind of like I did a show with El Madrigal, and he had someone was there from SNL, and I just did my stand-up, actually. I didn't even focus on doing, like, straight impression stuff. And then, yeah. And then you submitted again. So you're saying you submitted every season.

Almost every season. And would they say anything back to you? They don't say anything back. No feedback. No, she needs to work on blah, blah, blah, blah. No. It's silence. Radio silence.

Yeah. So you send your final one out. And what happened? Someone's at the show, you said, though. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think that final one out. And what happened? Someone's at the show, you said, though. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think that's how it kind of happened.

And I did submit a reel again that year. But yeah, that show, I was just focused on doing the bits I wanted to do. Interesting. But no impressions. No, I think I had some impression bits. But they're formed in a way that makes me happy. And then I auditioned for the show again, but I did it as my standup that time. Oh, so your second audition. Yeah.

I was like, well, it should be what I'm comfy with, what makes me smile and light up. And that's it. What I walk away proud of. And being like, that's, you know what? I like my material now. That was kind of the place I was at. It's like, this makes me feel like me. And do you find out right away? Is that how you know what i like my material now right that was kind of the place i was at sure this makes me feel like me and do you find out right away is that how you find out or no no it took like a few weeks two weeks yeah god that is like it was a yeah and then i got my

first back spasm it was i never had one of those and i was like oh no and uh that thing hurt i couldn't during your audition no no it was like during those weeks. Oh. Because it was so, I think, mentally just crazy. Draining, yeah. That, yeah, my back went out. Wait, so you're living in Whittier with your parents at the time. Is this when you... I had my own place.

I moved out of my parents by like 22. Okay. And then you submit to SNL. You just had a show in front of a person, a scout or whatever from SNL. And then what what your agent calls you and they're like you're you're in this pool now of 50 applicants because i'm sure the submissions are like you know how many thousands and now you're down to like the first cuts the first rounds or how does it work i think no i i don't remember i feel like they just kind of were like

well you did um man they don't even think they say anything and then it was just kind of were like, well, you did. Man, they don't even think they say anything. And then it was just kind of like a call. Now they're going to fly you back for meetings. Okay. So they meet out everyone. You go to New York and you're 20. What? How old now?

When I got the show. Yeah. That was, I was 27 going to be 28. Oh my gosh. And you meet Lorne Michaels for that time. Do you do a Lorne impression? Everybody. Oh, well, let Melissa do that.

I think that's all I have. Isn't that the word like auditioning though? It's not the audition. It's that, especially if you want it and you like it, it's that waiting period

to confirm. I remember when I, I auditioned for a movie and the director was like, I want you to play this part. And I was like, awesome.

And then the phone rang and it was him. And I was like, hey, man. And he goes, hey, great job today. And I go, thanks. He goes, just wanted to say good job. I was like, are you not gonna update me on this at all? And he was like, oh, I don't know anything yet. And I'm like, all right.

And then he did it a second time. He was like, hey. No. He goes, send it to the studio. And I go, yeah. He goes, and they liked it. And I was like, uh no he goes send it to the studio and i go yeah he goes and uh they liked it and i was like and he goes so we'll wait and see and see what happens i was like you are fucking worst man i go just don't call unless it's to tell me yes or no and those little pauses hey yeah yeah like little breathing and he's like just want to tell you you're great good job today no i'm not sweet man no so so you

go to new york for once and then you come home after that or do you stay in new york until your cast i know i came back home yeah and how did you feel do you remember after that first go around what did you do for your audition so you're meeting lauren for the first time do you do your impressions for him that first time? Like what Sandler talks about where it's just him and like three other people? No, I did like that. My audition, I did like my stand-up bits that included my impression stuff. So that's just in front of Lorne and like?

A few writers, I think. And then I went home and then I went back for the meetings. And did they laugh during your audition? Yeah, I think there were some giggles, yeah. Oh, wow. So how nuts is it, though, when it's like, hey, you're hired, and you call your mom and your brother? You know what I mean?

Isn't that a crazy conversation? You know what was really sweet? That was the week of all the meetings with the writers and lauren i was i had a that back spasm happen in new york and i was like oh god i was in my head about just all of it and myself i was like i don't know and then my parents were outside my hotel they flew from la to be in new york with me you didn't surprise you they surprised me yeah they just wanted. They're so excited. They've been on this journey for so long.

They just, they love it. That's adorable. And they were there and I was like crying. I was like, they're the best. And then they were still there in New York because my sister and brother lived there too. So they were hanging out with them too. And I flew back to LA.

They were still in New York and I get the call. My other brother in LA picked me up in his Jeep and I called my parents. I was like, put me on speaker, put me on speaker. I was like, I got it. And then, yeah, it was just, it was insane. It's insane. That's so cool.

It's amazing. It's so weird. Yeah, and then for my parents, they're like, we, you don't understand, we watched this as teens. Like this was our show too. It's crazy. Yeah, that's right, that's right. That's right.

It's so special. When you were not, between your first and second audition, were you still, like, you know, when you came back to, like, I want to do it, were you watching regularly? Or did you check it out sometimes? I think I checked it out sometimes. I think there was always that, you know, that feeling when you want to be on a show, but you're not,

it's like that weird, I think I was always like, I can't watch it. I don't want to be on a show, but you're not, it's like that weird, I think I was always like, I can't watch it. I don't want to get too invested. Yeah, it's very weird, but I think I watched a bit, like some sketches. Because there are those real stalker, psycho sociopath types

that watch every episode. You know, they're out there. You know what I mean? And they, oh yeah, they're right. There's one here. That's right. Josh Potter.

Every single episode of a 40 year show. Jeez. How many episodes a season do you do? Like 20, 21. Oh my God. That's a lot of screen time. He can tell you what sketches you want. He's got a good laugh.

Yeah. He'll tell you. I bet you right now if I go like, were you in this sketch? He would be like, yeah, she was. He's got a good laugh. Yeah. Yeah. He'll tell you. I bet you right now if I go like, were you in this sketch? He would be like, yeah, she was. She was in that. And that aired October 21st, 2014. Josh, he's nervous.

He is nervous to see her. I could tell. Yeah. He's starstruck. Yeah. But you know what? I mean this sincerely. Super proud of you.

Oh my gosh. 100%. Thank you. When we heard that you got it, Tom and I were so happy. I think everybody was in the comedy world. It's so weird to be so joyful for somebody in this business. Most of the time you're like, that guy's a piece of shit.

But then sometimes there's somebody who you're like, man, I really hope the best things happen for them. That's so sweet. And that was you. That was really nice too. I felt that with comics at the store and everything like just everyone was yeah pretty pretty sweet because you're like everybody's little sister and that's how i always feel yeah yeah that's so nice just a huge star and and we're just so proud of

you and your impressions are so amazing you're so talented thank you and i hope you do uh your impressions now oh yeah is it like in new york you know there's blacks there's jews there's port dominica is it off-putting so i have uh jesus christ i don't know tom what if she was like yeah dude it sucks there's so many there's so many um do you think that retarded people should compete in the regular Olympics? Oh my God, will you stop? If they have the aptitude. You started this.

I did not. I was talking about race. So, okay. She's a sweet girl. If somebody with limited abilities in the mind. Only mental. Mental limitations was physically capable of competing at the highest level, do you think they should be allowed to compete?

You know what I mean? If somebody with brain damage. What he's trying to say is a Down syndrome guy who can run really fast, faster than most regular Olympians, shouldn't he be able to run alongside Usain Bolt? Why do they have to have a special Olympics? You know what I'm saying? Like if they have the same talent and aptitude, what's the problem?

Yeah, why not? Yeah. All right. It's discrimination is what I'm trying to say. No, I mean, yeah. Yeah. Thank you. She's on my side.

It's a really good point. And do you think they should also be delivering our groceries? I don't yeah. Yeah. Thank you. She's on my side. It's a really good point. And do you think they should also be delivering our groceries? I don't know. Yeah. So have you ever heard of erotic hypnosis? I would like to show you something. Okay. Just tell me what that is.

Oh. No. You ever seen that, Deb? Yes. School, fair. TV. TV. What'd you think? Yes. School, fair? TV. TV. What'd you think?

Sorry. It's fake. Okay. You're nervous, aren't you? Which is always a problem. I mean, have you ever gone to a hypnotist show or anything? No, but I've seen them at NACA and stuff. Yeah.

But I don't think they did this stuff. Yeah. This guy. Orgasm now. Oh dear. Spank. Spank. Spank. You guys. Come for me. And sleep. Oh my gosh. Sleep cheaply.

No thanks. I don't need to sleep. Look at Melissa. She's so sweet. Why are you showing her this? Now you're kneeling. No beating to my words. Oh jeez. It's so sexy and shivers this is bad this is pleasure he's in trouble yes or is this this is his show this is his audition for lauren he uh yeah this is um can they do this i guess i guess she's consenting i hope yeah well that's the thing is if i i've been i've been to a hip like back in college and yeah that's what they would have yeah they go uh the person next

to you smells and you see the person going like oh you know they do like silly things yeah but this guy's like come for me yeah i'm so glad we shared this with melissa our sweet little sister glad we shared this with melissa our sweet little sister you think you could find something else maybe i was reviewing uh no this is really funny but two years ago a year and a half ago orgasm now ew no ew is right 20 times stronger pleasure no i don't know i'm gonna puke I don't wanna he's so creepy come for me ew no stop I still feel the same

intensity of the best word I said oh my god I'm gonna barf seriously dude he is so Melissa you don't have to look

look away I can't stop looking he's so gross come now heart I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking I can't stop looking He's so gross Come now heart Pleasure Oh Jesus It feels like it's some type of Abuse in a way maybe

Yeah of course yeah BDSM erotic hypnosis But everybody Who does this Signed up for it you know what I mean Yeah, of course. Yeah. BDSM erotic hypnosis. But everybody who does this signed up for it. You know what I mean? It seems real creeper. Yeah. Real creeper.

Would you do it, Melissa? One of your next sketches? What about for like $500? Do you want to think about your answer? No, I would never do this. Never? Look at that. Come for it. Ew? Look at that. Confirm. Ew.

Calm your heart. I think you're into it. I don't like him at all. I don't like him at all. He's such a nerd. Like, what if it was an attractive magician or a hypnotherapist? Like, who's your favorite celebrity crush?

Javier Bardem. I love Javier Bardem. He's so hot. Yeah. So if he was like, Melissa, come right now. Okay, then. Well, I don't think he would say it like that. Melissa, come right now.

Melissa. Melissa. Ven conmigo. I like him, too. He's creepy and weird a little, Javier. Well, that's the thing. Yeah, I like that. I need that little bit of creepy. He's creepy and weird a little, Javier. Well, that's the thing. I like that.

I need that little bit of creepy. He's kind of creepy. I like Benicio Del Toro, but he's more scummy than creepy, but I like that look too. Wait, the Del Toro guy that wrote? Benicio Del Toro. Benicio Del Toro. Oh, I'm thinking Guillermo. This fucking psycho.

Oh, man, I'm thinking the dude that wrote Shape of Water. Oh, yeah. No, no, I'm not that smart, no. But I like Javier. Javier Bardem. No, no. I'm not that smart. But I like Javier Bardem too. Yeah, I see. He's scummy. I like him. I like that real masculine. Look at that black and white photo.

That's cool. You like that Latin scumbag look. I love that. That's my lane. I think I like that too. Yeah, Latin scumbag. Yeah. Come now.

Ew. I don't. Spark. Spark. what if you had a guy melissa like you're okay no let's just what if melissa okay okay javier i'm there. She's ready. She wants Javier. What if Javier was into this hypno-slave stuff and you had to do this? Would you do this with a guy?

No, but I don't like how they film it. I don't like any of that. Yeah, but what if it was in private life and you're like, all right,

I guess. Would you date a magician? That's what we're trying to get to. Oh, no. Yeah, that's a good answer. What?

A magician? You don't like magic? No, I don Yeah, that's a good answer. What? A magician? You don't like magic? Not like that. Would you do this? Would I do what? Hypnoslaving. Would I be the slave? No, I would be the hypnotist.

And I'm like, you gotta come, Tom. Oh, my God. Nobody wants to see a man come wants to see that's why there's no men ever it's all women like shivering like oh my god but guys i just maybe maybe i'm just upset that she's i would want her to sit somewhere comfy not fall on him why does he get a cup of feel yeah yeah he a cop a feel give her a little pillow what's the bean bag like separate a bit I agree like standing

that's what it bugs me I don't like him I'm really okay with this we can go to describe how the sensation of my touch goes in your body he's getting more touches in that's all this is all can you think of anywhere in your body that you wouldn't want to be touched right now no

awesome oh he is he's touching a shit oh shit dude what the fuck is this wait a minute where did you get this this is porn this isn't i think you might have sent this to me i sent this yeah i mean we i prepped this in january and then we stopped in january yeah we had because youtube had the apocalypse and it's like this is

definitely not something they're gonna be cool with this was i've never seen this i mean maybe you didn't get to this part of it. I mean, this is like a 15 minute video. I mean, I definitely got it off like X videos or something. I was like trying to watch it. Tom, did you notice when he's like, where on your body does it feel? And she goes, nowhere. And he goes, awesome.

He says that like a fucking nerd. Yeah, he goes, awesome. Thanks, I love you to juice. You could come for me. All right, let's cleanse our palate. already. He goes, awesome. That's really cool. Thanks. I love you to just. You could come for me. Come for me. All right, let's cleanse our palate. This is gross, right? Okay, okay, okay.

All right, let's just watch this. Wee. Someone hit the fucking door right here. Your father's already out of broke up. Don't forget that,

Tim. Oh! What happened? Why did he do that? He got mad at her and he just flipped her off the bed. Why does she love herself? I don't like it as much as you do. I like it.

It's fun. Can I see it again? Absolutely. I just couldn't see where... I broke up. I just couldn't see where... Who is videoing that? I like that little laugh. I think it's...

I think the part that makes me giggle is the growl. Yeah, the growl is great. And also, she seemed old, which is kind of funny, too. Like, she can't tolerate that pull at all. It's not like a kid that can just bounce off the ground. She was like, uh. That does make me laugh when it's elderly people in peril. I don't know what that's about.

Remember the propeller one where the person was being airlifted and they kept going really fast around? Who's giggling today? These are good. Yeah. You can thank the audience for that yep oh they find oh yeah sweet yeah it's pretty good crowd-sourced material yeah can you find that old old helicopter lady yeah that one's really funny yeah yeah i like it when it's old people getting hurt i don't know why maybe because because, like, they're going to die anyways. Will you tell me? I see that. Yeah. I mean, I don't.

I like, you know, old people getting fucked up a little bit. Not, like, permanently. Right, right, right. But, like, you know. It's funnier to me, though, than an able-bodied, like, young person. Right. Elderly stuff. Yeah.

You know, like, the old Benny Hill sketches where, like, an old lady. And then, like, she gets run over by a car that makes me laugh aggressive or you know piano falls on her or something like that yeah that here this is the best we gotta set this up so that she knows sorry it's gonna be on this screen but the the there's a lady that was out on a trail like on a hike an older lady and she was like you know needed to be rescued so they sent the helicopter to airlift her out and it just doesn't go right so just watch just just remember there's a 74 year old lady in that in that back okay wait it's all right again Okay, wait The voice is the best She's like, what the fuck? There you go.

Let him down. Let's just keep going. I mean. Wait, wait. Is that from the wind? He's like, I don't know. Just get her the fuck out of here. This bag's going to be full of vomit when we get back.

Oh, my gosh. And shit. Oh, man. Yeah. That's really. That's so funny. He gets me every time That's really... That's so funny. He gets me every time. Dude, it is fucking so fast.

I love this. You know what? I love this stuff. I know. Me too. I know. It's so great. There's no laugh like that.

You know what I mean? No. It's hard to tell a joke as funny as that. I know. Me too. I know. It's so great. There's no laugh like that. You know what I mean? No. It's hard to tell a joke as funny as that. I know. Yeah. Where you're just like, God, that's fucking perfect. What else you got for us, Sigur?

I love that. This is just in my horrible or hilarious pile. No, no, please not again. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She needs to see that. No, please. Nobody wants this. I don't like the knife things.

They get hurt. You know what I mean? This is cute. Okay. Go ahead. Oh no, this might seemed too real for me. See? You hit him with the cart. Yeah, he's hurt. He's very hurt.

He's fine. He's fine. Yeah, go ahead. We checked. See how he looks? He's like, you're all right, man. Bakuda! Bakuda! he's like you got you're all right man does he say that yeah yeah it means stuck the other guy doesn't care what was the goal here of oh to back that up and not hit him was the goal

no no no no i mean like before why was the car charging at him what was he doing oh that guy was just trying to back up into the garage and then he just didn't know and then he oh i'd see i thought the driver was looking no and then he accidentally paralyzed that man and that's the funny part wait is he driving forward no i think but that's a dashboard cam. Oh, no, no. I don't like that. That scream made me sad. Is it a dashboard cam or is it a rear? Do people have them on? Ay, ay, ay.

No, no. I don't like this. No. No. No. Oh, shit. Okay. All right.

But anyway, we did fear as you did. That one stressed me out. Yeah, yeah. I don't like that one. I think it's funnier from a distance. Yeah. But I love his scream. You know, the way that he yells.

I know. The first one is good. It's really good. But then the other ones get real. Yeah. Yeah. When his legs are not working and stuff. No, we checked.

He's okay? Yeah. It was a big story in Taiwan. And we had listeners there who ended up emailing us that it was on like all the local shows and that everyone thought when they saw like when i first showed that clip to dr drew he's like i thought he's like his legs are no no i think there's a real bad clip out there that i've seen oh and it may it's so horrible but also why is that the same time of horrible things, but. Hilarious.

Hilarious. That's what this clip's called, horrible and hilarious. Wait, what did you see that was so. I don't remember. My brother showed me, I think a lady got eaten up by an escalator. Oh, we've seen that kind of stuff. Okay. Yeah.

And the kid's just watching it go. Yeah, he's like, where'd it go? And it's like, oh, mom's gone. Yeah. Oh my God. I don't know if this is real. I don't know. I don't know.

What does it, you mean she went into it i think it chopped up yeah is that am i crazy possible no maybe it's not i've seen that i've seen yeah yeah where the where the escalator opens people and then it just closes yeah what i don't know sean google that no it might be too dark i don't know it's not it's it's right on point for the show go ahead and look that up no we can't do this maybe show have you ever seen the kid from one i know how to ski one thing i didn't know how to do is fly oh god oh I like that.

He got hurt. Do it again. He got hurt a little bit. Let me see from the beginning, because I like that he's kind of a drunk, arrogant... Yeah. I like the accent. Yeah, I get what you're saying.

Okay. Wait, I want to say it again. I want to say it again. I'm one who don't know how to ski. One thing I didn't know how to do is fly. Yeah, he's hammered. He's hammered he's hammered yeah oh yeah it's like that went right into his ribs you know

but i like it because he's being a drunk idiot yeah and like you kind of get what you deserve on that i just want to see someone a little more hurt than that you know really yeah i like the sound he makes that one doesn't you guys are like opening up like a a box here in my soul yeah i i felt like is this it horrific escalator accident might not be good native this might be really bad which do any of these look i don't know i shouldn't i shouldn't show you any of this i think it's real bad we shouldn't watch this oh come on yeah just mute is this it oh god yeah i don't think it will ha bad. We shouldn't watch this. Oh, come on. Yeah, just mute it. Is this it? Oh, God. Yeah, I don't think it's... What you're about to see will haunt you? No, I don't think we should watch this.

I don't want children getting hurt. No, no, no, no. I can't have children getting hurt. No, this is awful. This might be really... Is this it? Is this it? Yeah, don't watch it.

I'm not going to watch it. No, no, no, don't watch it. Oh, my God. Don't watch it. I can't... How does it open up? It's not funny. It is not funny. Oh, shit. But how does that even... Oh, my God. The kid's it. I can't. Now, yeah, that's the one. How does it open up? It's not funny. It is not funny.

Oh, shit. But how does that even? Oh my God, the kid's out. The kid's out. Oh my God. Oh, it's fine. The mom's just here. Oh, they're fine.

A panel falls away. When they step off. Oh my God. Oh, but she's okay. The woman, she did not survive. Did not survive. Oh, fuck. Can I curse?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh my God. The woman didn't survive but you know maybe she was no not a good person or something yeah what a horrible way to die yeah so i've seen other someone one of my friends showed me uh a clip of a guy writing one down and it opened midway like the thing is separated, and then it just closed,

and it just kept going. I use the steps at all times. I wouldn't if I can. You guys go on the road, what floor level do you pick? Because I always like two or three so I could run down the stairs. Really?

Yeah. Why? You don't trust the elevator? I don't know. Or fires? I just feel like I need to know where the staircase is at so I can bolt.

No, I go higher up so I don't the riffraff's lower and away from the elevators i like i like being high up but if it's a hotel that has like sometimes you know small hotel five floors i just don't want to stay on one i don't like staying on one yeah that's i understand that because someone could just walk in and go, hey, give me your undies right now, bub. Yeah. I've seen your cameo vids.

Give me those panties. Are you going to do cameo? What is this? Okay, can we get Josh on? I thought this was spam because people miss those. You know how you get requests on Instagram? People ask about it, but I'm like, I don't like that. So we were all in the same place until very recently.

And then Josh here can fill you in. Josh, can you explain to Melissa what Cameo is first? Cameo is where celebrities can go on and people can pay them money to do personalized messages. So I go like, Melissa, my friend josh it's his birthday um right like here yeah can you wish you set your price will you send him a 30 second video that says happy birthday and then you get paid to do that so they hit up josh just from being here being a comic and he in the last week and a half, has done over 85 of them. Yes.

I've discovered a special niche for my content on Cameo. And apparently it struck a chord with everybody. Good for you. So I'm excited. Yeah. Do you want to tell her what you do? I'm a Cameo sex worker. So you could do anything.

There's no rules. My specialty is feet and shoulder hair. People like feet. People love feet. It's a real mark. I mean, if you wanted to get involved, I'm sure you could charge a premium. He's getting $100 per right now. Yeah, you could get $1,000.

Is there paperwork or anything? You can't get in trouble or anyone gets after you? The Cameo folks seem very happy with my work, and they have relayed it as such. They seem to know what I'm doing. How involved is the sign-up process as a star? If you have over 20,000 followers, they contact you. As you mentioned, you probably thought it was spam or something,

but I am sure that they would be very honored if you joined. And you don't have to do feed stuff. That's just my particular. I like birthday messages and stuff. Yeah, yeah, you could definitely do that. You would get so many. Oh, my gosh. It would be overwhelming.

That's one thing is I get nervous. But you can also shut it down. You could take a break, right? You could be like, I'm not going to do it right now. Well, yes, but it gets, I would imagine, I mean, I sometimes feel guilt when i can't fulfill all of the requests you know jesus man how do you want my shoulder hair but i know it's like i feel bad now i have to think of gary and

you know winnipeg who's just doesn't get his content that he wanted and his content yeah i don't yeah it's i'll tell, it seems a bit demeaning. It's demeaning work. Cameo in general or just my particular? Cameo. Yeah, it seems a lot. But it's its own separate app. It's its own app.

Yeah. Well. I mean, you're a pretty busy lady with us now and all. Yeah. Would you like to do it no okay thank you though

was someone asking you I could have my team reach out team reach out yeah not right now okay let me know

thank you and I'm not on it I'm not trying I'm not gonna get a piece of this I was just trying to you know make you happy thanks prop um what other funny videos do you have for her I'm not going to get a piece of this. I was just trying to make you happy. Thanks.

Prop. What other funny videos do you have for her? Do you do Irish accents? I don't do accents. No accents? I really don't. What if you listen to it a lot? Do you think you should?

Yeah, maybe. I think, but I get. Do you have like that mimic quality? I know I could do it, but I get nervous because I want to do it correctly. Because I get nervous that I'm going to do it, but I get nervous because I want to do it correctly for, because I get nervous that I'm going to do it wrong. Yeah. People are going to be like, hey, that's not how we sound.

Right. So I just avoid it at all costs. But then sometimes SNL will be like, can you do this for the schedule? I'm like, oh. But I'll just like watch a lot of videos and practice. Yeah. What's your favorite impression to do oh boy man it gets so quiet on the headphones okay i know i think it's always what's newer i feel like

yeah billy eilish has been new i love her i know when you did it for me in the green room at the comedy store, and I was so excited. Yeah, so this is her singing, okay? Okay. It's beautiful, by the way. Okay. Don't you know I'm no good for you? I've learned to lose.

You can't afford to. Quiet when i'm coming home oh hold on my throat need to be cleared um not my my own oh i can last say i like it like the lucky like the Jesus Christ that's it's okay yeah it's amazing do her talking yo this is Billie Eilish I love burritos and I have Invisalign that's so true

she does love burritos I swear dude if you put me in like a taco bell right now i would eat everything in there no one else would get to have a taco because those that's definitely that's definitely my addiction that's what yeah she kind of has like a little marble talk yes i hope you guys like my new album yeah but then she sings like a little angel yeah she's coming on the new season right yeah she's a premiere you're gonna

I hope so I love when the celebrity like we were saying is game you know I know that's the one thing and when you do the impersonator and the person who they're impersonating that's what I want to do that's what I want to do this year is do the impression among with the

celeb and both do two I just think that's the best want to do this year is do the impression among what the celeb and both do too. I just think that's the best. I'm going to see her in Vegas September 22nd. That's awesome. I'm just kidding. I don't know if I'll get to meet her. We're doing a festival together.

We're doing a festival that she's doing. So they're on the lineup together. We're on the same bill. It doesn't mean... But still, you get tickets to go see her, right? Of course.

Hello. You get the pass. I'm going to go talk to her. Yeah. Okay. And then she did. Yo, Christina.

Um, I love your comedy and, I think you're really cool. I love it. I love it so much. And we're talking about how do you, how do you do this? How the fuck do you do this?

Tell me your method. I think like I was telling you the other night, the comedy start, what works for me is watching a bunch of videos, watching a lot of them for a while, not even attempting, going to sleep and then giving it some moment, and then it starts kind of flickering in my face. I want to ask if this is the same for you.

One time I talked to somebody who did impressions well, and I said, like, how do you know you can do it? And he said it's one of those things where like you eat in the moment you go like i can do that or i can't like you you try it and it's either starts to feel like i can do this or you're like that's one i can't do he's like it's pretty pretty quickly figures out whether it's one you're going to be able to do yeah i feel like it's just sitting for me it's just uh listening and watching him for a while not even trying and then after i sleep in the morning i feel you you feel like trying and then after i sleep in the morning

i feel you you feel yeah and then do you ever get bummed out about like one you want to do and you're like fuck i just i can't do that one i feel um no i think i set out and get the ones you want the ones i want to do because i love them and then but do you have an intuition as to who you can do you're like i could do you have an intuition as to who you can do? You're like, I could do Billie Eilish. You kind of intuitively know and you know who to stay away from maybe? Yeah, I think it's just people that are fun. People that make me excited.

I think, oh, I watched all Fleabag seasons this summer. And I didn't even attempt, sometimes that's what's good too, is not pressuring myself. Every time we pressure ourselves, it's just not gonna work. But sometimes when you're just there it's just not going to work. But sometimes when you're just there for them, like going to the movies or watching a show,

and you're like, God, I'm so invested. I love this character. But I'm not even thinking about doing an impression. And then later I was like, oh, I could do the fleabag. Girl, yeah, she's great. Yeah. So I don't know. It's just fun.

Well, let me inspire inspire you John Gallagher got up on the phone and started giving out about my mother my mother's going for an operation on the matter John

the fella with the dickies nose for a face I beat you seven days a week with your big dickies nose I'm here in Dublin what makes you

I I I'm telling you you won't beat me when I say you won't beat me you won't beat me with your dickies nose

you you I never heard of a good Gallagher in their life I'm telling you, you won't beat me. When I say you won't beat me, you won't beat me. What do you think he's doing to you? You. I never heard of a good guy to get into life. Irish. Yeah. Jeez. What's going on? That's intense.

Yeah. What do you think? I don't. This is a big thing amongst some of the Irish travelers is. They find this. They put fight challenge videos out. Oh, another guy will return his,

you know what I mean? And they keep challenging each other. What was he saying? Oh, that was all English. Okay. Um, but he was basically just saying someone online that he was getting.

Yeah. Yeah. That he's, he's just like, I'm right here. I'm in Dublin. And if you want to, if you want to catch these hands, you can come get it, you know? Yeah.

You translated? Yeah. Man, that was intense. I know. Pretty good, right? Yeah. I'm so depressed about that. I don't know.

It makes me sad for people when I see them threatening people on the internet. Yeah. It's bizarre. I know. Like, just go to that person's house and fuck with them you know yeah why put on the internet yeah weird to me yeah yeah yeah private man yeah you don't you you're not into that at all no okay um you're working on steve buscemi that i yeah but it's kind of so i have a bit about how i i wanted like i like to well i don't want to

do the bits for you guys i mean i do i just want to see the impression so good this is it that's so good it's just a face no but that's the mouth right that is what he does i did my my bit i actually met up with him for coffee last summer because i want to do a movie with him someday like i want him to play my dad and let's just be like dumb idiots you know um but yeah i was like i do an impression of you and he was laughing the way he laughed it was just like he's the best. Yeah, he's awesome. I wish I could do that one. I guess.

Yeah, I wish I could do the actual his actual voice. I would love to do more. I love the male impressions. Yeah. Well, one of the things I hated about the Groundlings when I did it is that I inherently wanted to do male characters. Yeah. And I was reprimanded. And they said, you can't do men.

You only have to do women i thought yeah but in comedy men dress as women monty python they made a whole career of it yeah why can't i do male characters it's so funny fuck you yeah and then i i gave i hated the groundlings after that my two favorite things this last season on snl they were short but they meant a lot to me i did water boy i had you know, you know, and then I was Takashi69. And like a real cut to short, but I was dressed as him. And I was like, that was so much fun to just be the dude. Well, because it's as you're proof of, it doesn't matter.

You know, if you can do the impression. Yeah. Well, and I wasn't doing Takashi. I was definitely just myself, jolly. So I think that was the funny part. Oh, is this it? Yeah. Oh, and I wasn't doing Takashi's. I was definitely just myself, jolly. So I think that was the funny part. Oh, is this it? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I was like so happy. I think that's what Colin wanted was like. Is he in prison now? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Poor guy. Pobrecito.

Pobrecito. Ay, pobrecito. Ay, pobre Takashi. You say pobrecito? I say cochino. I say cochino when that guy earlier, the hypnotist. Yeah. We see that in our family.

Like if someone's being nasty. Yeah. Being a gross guy, cochino. Yeah, cochino. Asqueroso. You have real good Spanish. I know. I just know a few little words.

But that's an important one. That carries you a long ways, cochino. Yeah, if I see a guy being gross, I'm like, cochino. Yeah. And then, um yeah pobrecito oh i hear that one a lot i hear that his mother says that for the dogs all the time right my nana says that to me my grandma she's like i'm like what are you talking about i'm just eating chips i'm fine look how lonely. I'm over a seat. Eating chips alone.

Did they call you Flaca? My mom did a little bit. Growing up, Skinny Bone Jones. Skinny Bone Jones. Yeah, remember that? Yeah. Did anyone? Yeah, Skinny Bone Jones. Yeah, I think at school I was called Skinny Bone Jones.

My mom was like, Tommy, you couldn't be any more disgusting. Did you see my mom's fart video? No. Oh, what the hell? You got to see this. Real fart. Yeah, real fart. That's a cool mom.

Oh, she doesn't know she's being recorded. It was a game changer. And we threw the TMZ effects on because I knew it would get ripped. But the fart is 100% real. Is this it here? Check out on this screen right here. She doesn't know I'm recording her. I come up behind her. look at her face oh my god you don't know my son anymore that was one of the best farts ever

8.57 seconds yeah that's so funny I had to pay so much to be able to just show it you know I was thinking I was asking myself this one moment and I was thinking how long does it take for a fart smell

to go away I think oh it's interesting I should time that right yeah yeah but it depends on the fart the density and the how sticky yeah there's like my dad has some real intestinal issues okay and like I've shared a hotel room where he farted I was like well I'm gonna go have a drink now. And it'll take a few hours. And came back. So it's not exactly like he just farted. And then, but then there's ones where you fart, right? And you're like, like, especially like a noisy one.

You're like, there's nothing there. I know. Yeah. I haven't had a big, I was whoppers in a while. No, that's terrible. I don't know. I think it's more with nerves because during SN, when I'm filming, I hold them in. I get, I think that's, but all summer I was like,

I didn't have any big parties going on down there. But like Sunday morning, you're like, this fucking stinks. Yeah, yeah. After all that. No, but nerves do do that. I mean, I've had that. I think it's nerves.

After a show where you're like, your stomach is, you hold it in, you know? Like all the emotions are like in your guts, basically. Where was I? I was just somewhere a day or two ago, and I was like, hold it in, hold it in, hold it in. And then I just ripped. I let it go in public, and a woman rocked right through it.

I was like, oh, well, there it goes. It was good. Whenever I shop, I always have to poo. Really? Like if I'm at a bookstore or looking at clothes, I'm like, there's... You have to shit. And do you go publicly or do you take it home? Oh, yeah.

No, I always find their restroom. Yeah. I don't know these people that are like, I can't poop in public. Like, that's super lame. Now, most importantly, do you pee in the shower? Yeah. Yeah. So do we.

I mean, that's a dream. Yeah. Yeah. Not a bathtub, no. No. No.'s a dream Yeah Yeah Not a bathtub No No Sometimes a pool Yeah

Yeah We're big pool peers Man you guys We really click We do Yeah And by the way That's all I need to know

About someone To be good friends with them Yeah Thanks good What about the ocean You pee in the ocean I don't even go to the ocean I don't like beach stuff

Really But yes I've gone plenty in the ocean, in the sea. In the Atlantic, it just feels like more Atlantic, you know? A shark just goes away. No. No. That's great.

Yeah. No, I've done that. Can you imagine the insanity of leaving a shower to sit on the toilet and pee i mean what happened i didn't speak loud enough oh so the gate closed i'm a low talker whoa oh i see okay yeah yeah me too it's gotta hear it like when i do stand-up shows we do sound check i'm like turn it up because the audience is gonna be like huh yeah because i talk like this yeah yeah yeah i know tom and i are low talkers we're not yellers around the house to even he and i like whisper to each other i also don't like loud environments oh we don't like a loud restaurant i don't like that that's what i don't like when you have to shout out you know what i get fed up because well i mean

it's cool to go to parties and snl parties but the music's blaring everyone's yelling and i i give up at a certain point i'm like i'm gonna keep it here and you're just gonna have to reach real close yeah because i'm not gonna do any more that's a famous right the after show party the snl isn't that like a big like every week is it a new location yeah but they'll then they'll go back to the same restaurants after a while but and it's always what a catered party food drinks kind of thing it's always a great restaurant yeah but i i think it depends every if i'm in an episode and i do well then the party's fun exactly but if i'm not really an episode and i feel low about myself the last thing i don't want to do is be at a party yeah that's so it's so hard it's so weird it's constant

change sense though yeah it only doesn't make sense to somebody who doesn't perform ever. You know what I mean? That's the thing. I think like having comics and friends come visit the show, I appreciate it because they know the highs and lows of it. And sometimes with family and friends, people that don't know entertainment, they're there like, this is the dream.

And then sometimes I'm just like, I'm cut out from everything everything tonight and i don't want you to be here i learned it's different when you're it's just weird it's all it's all in here it's all in there i learned to lie to uh my dad but like i go just to avoid the explanation of things when he goes uh he goes where are you i go i'm in you know hartford or whatever how was the show tonight i just go it was great that's great because there was there was like years where you go like you know uh oh tonight it kind of sucked and he goes why and you're like i don't know i mean just it just was kind of a shitty show what'd you do and then you have to go back into it yeah and but also like he also doesn't understand like you're like well the audience kind of he's like well have you tried and you're like oh my god i don't actually want

like a comedy conversation with you yeah so now i just always go like it was great that was a show it was awesome yeah great it was great yeah yeah no matter what i think i do that too it just goes good yeah and then what do you do on so you work all week and you're working on a sketch and then you get cut meaning he cuts lorne will decide on what saturday evening it's a mix of everyone i mean it's such a big group you know so it's all out of control so there's writers and there's yeah lorne and then also the host sometimes the host is like oh i don't like that sketch for me because i didn't have as much fun in that so it's really not even it's arbitrary There's a lot of things that go into being cut,

but that happens last minute, right? Like Saturday afternoon or something. Yeah. Or right before the live show. Oh, so you're all juiced up and you're like, I'm going to get to do my Billie Eilish and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it's sorry. Who tells you it's cut?

How do you find out? Usually in the meeting, like before, they'll be like, oh, this is cut from the show. This is cut. Or we'll see it on the wall, what sketches aren't in, that go on the side. Do you have to pretend like you're cool? You're just whatever.

Like, how do you handle it? Yeah, I usually just put my head down and just sit there and like twiddle my fingers. But I think, but i did write this what's cool about um last year as i started like a journal that was just all positive things and i wrote gratitude like all good stuff and i did learn a good lesson last season was that everything i had i shined in and it was the right timing for me. So that's what I'm going to try to keep going there for, is just to keep reminding myself it's all just good timing.

Because the week before I did the actual Lady Gaga update, it was in a sketch that I had written with friends there. And it was fine, but it was nowhere near as great as the update. So it was kind of like that was a better time for it so and i also was just kind of like what do i want me to do but it worked out good that gratitude thing really works though you know expressing it and making i did actually before i got here i made a list of because you know you get are you guys i get the summer blues and maybe the anxiety going back too. I'm like, oh, how do I? But I've made a list of all the things I did this summer.

I bought a townhouse here. I listed, I think I did 28 shows on the road. Headlining sets. An hour each show. Just making the list to see in front. Oh, I did all this stuff that's good that's awesome you know absolutely definitely because we forget we forget like that show then that show and then it's like i don't know no that's great it is great forget what good

listen i don't think people know with us performers how it goes from like being on top of the world to feeling like a piece of shit like i'm everything i'm nothing i am the best i'm the worst at least for me that's where it goes too but i have to constantly work at reminding myself like no you're a human being you've got this family you've got all these great things in your life and yeah yeah people but people would assume like looking at you like what are you talking about she's on saturday night live she's a famous she's young she's and it's like yeah but everybody has something right everybody it's so good to remind that yeah yeah guys even muslims all right so it was um oh my god you know one of my favorite i hope you write down the uh the worst guests and stuff and like journal exact things yeah will you do that one of my favorite things was I think Spade

or one of those guys, Schneider from that era was like, oh man, Steven Seagal was the fucking worst host ever. Oh, the host. Yeah, yeah. And then I think they said that Paris Hilton was like uncoachable to do anything. She was terrible too. But like those stories later on are fascinating to hear.

You know, uh i think that seagal also was like oh yeah everything that they were like everything that was pitched he was like that's not funny and they're like okay cool man um trump i think some people said that he used to have a sense of humor about himself i think they said some of the roast people were like oh he was a good sport you know this is like five or six years ago but that when he was on as a candidate that he was shutting down like not getting what was funny yeah i think someone told me he didn't know what the giving tree book was what i don't know sense now can we get these celebrity guests to fucking memorize their lines in the sketches because nothing bothers me more when you can tell when the person's reading off the cue card. It makes me, it's been made me angry since I was a little girl.

I know. Everybody kind of uses it, right? Not everybody, not you guys. You guys are great. I mean, if you go watch me my first year, I was just looking at it. I just didn't know how to remember the line. But also they changed the lines before the live show too. So they're constantly reworking jokes and then they've just put tape on top of it and they write on top of it.

And that's got to be on their game, huh? Yeah. The cue card guy. Yeah. But the writers will come like right before the live show and they'll be like,

okay, we changed this line. Now you're saying boyfriend instead of dad. So you just go out there and then you just go out there. But that's it. But you get, it's just all practice.

So that's why it's hard for hosts. But the pros know what to do. You know, people that have hosted many times they know what to do so that makes sense if they're having last minute changes and that's not your normal environment i get it yeah how nervous were you the very first time you had to do a sketch what what what did you do it was a shit a lot that day did you vomit i was constantly going to the bathroom when i get nervous i want to make sure all the pee is out so i keep going keep going that and uh yeah i think i was a family feud i was sarah silverman and i think um larry david was bernie i think it was yeah that one yeah that was the election year my year i was going in 2016 yeah and so um yeah after that or the nerves i felt during that

sketch i was like there's no way i could do this again next week i remember being like this is insane but then after it's fine were you exhausted after you must have we must have been elated and then like exhausted right yeah that was weird that was crazy i was well i was also not fully i wasn't feeling good about myself that first year because i had all that tweet stuff happen yeah i remember it was so dumb and it's nothing to anyone but for me i'm so sensitive and i felt so horrible and embarrassed an old a blogger found old tweets of mine from long ago and said i was racist and like i got so uh i just felt yeah humiliated and i felt like oh all my fans disappeared completely i'm i'm horrible and and i felt most of the first season i didn't think there was a point

and then that summer after i didn't really do stand-up because i felt so just so badly from that so bad wow yeah so that's terrible but that's the thing is people don't realize when they attack someone get someone online you're killing them yeah for a while like it takes a long time to get back public shaming things yeah even if it's just a day or two it's still it puts a pretty but it's a good lesson i know i've i need maybe i needed that too so it's okay yeah yeah it's all right um it's a real talk here you know yeah no absolutely you didn't need the lesson i think you're one of the most well you're the sweetest human on the planet you are but it's good though to know like i can walk out there and be

flawed it's nice now because i think also before i got the show i did want to make sure oh i get all the fans and be perfect and the star of the show right and now it's like no it's just great that i can own everything it's better to just walk out now like i haven't brushed my hair all summer i don't need to be perfect right you know it's nice yeah that's a relief. Yeah. Give me some of that. Yeah. We're going back. You're going back for,

I just threw myself in there. We are going back to SNL for season four. Melissa and I to the stars. That would be so fun if I had you guys there. Of the show.

I'm sorry. I'll see you in the next summer. Adios. The kids will miss their dad. Have fun with the kids, but Melissa and I are on SNL together.

Yes. We're a team and we write and perform together and that's our deal that'd be so much fun you would be the oldest new cast member like does lauren even hire people over 40 yeah leslie who just left the show oh that's right she's 50 i mean it was the best the best's true. She was the best. Before her, though? He usually casts young. Yeah. But there's always like that, what do they call it? Anomaly? No, like the, I can't think of the word, but the person that, like that person who's usually, like Daryl Hammond was that, where he was like in his 40s, but could play like, like

they just throw him into like eight out of 10 sketches. So they're like, he'll play the dad in this, the fucking store guy this the president and it's like just the you know i mean like they move them around and it's sometimes it's an older like older relatively speaking i mean the older the funnier now 100 and better person totally i think totes man unless they're korean all right well listen so racist today i don't know what's going on i don't know. Just putting it out there. What's going on? I don't know. Hey, by the way, you're always welcome to come and hang. I might give me diarrhea watching you work. Every time I listen to a cast member talk about the show,

I'm like, I don't know how you do it. The anxiety. But yes, thank you. And I will take you up on that if we're there. I'll be in New York for a minute in november like over a week so yeah yeah she'll be there for a couple days but when she leaves i want to come to no no she leaves but i want to have diarrhea for you let's have lunch let's hang out over sketches let's do spots yeah let's work on it he's been writing pitches for you i got some pitches for you just hear me

out i would love to hear it thank you i want more fart stuff you know hey this is the house that farts bill you should just write a sketch based on what i showed you be my mom and just go you're not my son anymore that was a big one that was um so good we're so proud of you we're so happy yes guys i'm proud of you too thank you for um for coming back here i know yeah anytime we are beneath you but no this is a thrill for us we're super happy you're the real of you guys yeah thanks best thank you so much bye jeans bye guy blows crack smoking to someone's ass yeah yeah yeah i would look for that one it's pretty great then you're b-hole i would look for that one. It's pretty great. Then you're b-hole-ing.

I would look for that one. It's pretty great. Pretty great. Pretty great. Guy blows crack smoke at us all the time? Yeah. Yeah, man. Will you smoke crack and blow the smoke up my ass?

I bet you can get high that way. Then you're b-hole. Pretty great. Then you're b-hole. To blow crack smoke into some other guy's butt? I would do it. I would try it. Try it out. Try it out, man. Try it out. Try it out man. Try it out. Try it out. I would try it. Pretty good. To blow crack smoke into some other guy's butt? I would do it. I would try it. I'm looking for hardcore guys in Munich who want to do it.

I would do it. I would try it. I'm looking for hardcore guys in Munich who want to do it. I would do it. I would try it. I would do it. I would try it. I would do it. I would try it. Thank you.