Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 521-Jessica Kirson-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 16, 2019

You didn't follow Proto, Chomo. The Suwu debate is absolutely RAGING. We have numerous credible, yet conflicting, sources weigh in. Tom had an incredible weekend in the midwest and tells us all about it, including an elevator mishap. The Fed Smoker is back and showing his versatility in is skill set, plus an update on Robert Paul Champagne. Jessica Kirson is a hilarious comedian, who also happens to be one of Christina's favorites! Jessica has a wild, potentially traumatic, story about going to Fat Camp as a kid. We learn about Jessica's game in getting ladies and show her some "Cool Girls" which prompts Christina to ask her "Stupid Lesbian Questions."

All right, story time. So, me and my friend were at a party, you know. My friend's out, and he made a check. He could never tell, but somebody could never tell, but check the man or the woman sometime. And, you know, he got plenty of luck in the draw. And so he's down there, and they're getting in the middle, and he said, why do I feel like there's a wall in your pants?

Go ahead, let's know what I ain't at. He pulled down the girl pants at a seven inch. I ain't. All right, beats by Manolo. Thanks for the long song. I'm crying. Yeah. That was quite a banger. It's a really good one.

All right, story time. Oh, no. You say that I'm a false blood. Sue Woo. Sue Woo. You're saying I'm not a real blood. Sue Woo. All you big words talking shit. You're gonna get some wreck.

You say that I'm a false blood. Sue Woo. Kenny, take it away. You're gonna get some wreck. Is that where you're at? The debate is really cooking. It's hot. It's really going. So we're gonna get right into it in just a moment.

There's so much. This is gonna be, I'm calling it now. This is gonna be one of your favorite episodes. I don't know. Oh, no. I know. Okay. There's some really good stuff coming.

I'm really looking forward to this. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. I'm your favorite. She's here too. Let's get into it. What's this all about? Is this back to the main mommy challenge? No.

I'm the main mommy. I know. You're ready to start the show? Yeah. We'll have to get into it. Here we go. Hello Blair. Hello.

Blair Davis, Cardiff, California. You own the trucking business that says here. Trucking business in San Diego. Good for you. And talk about your family. I've been trapped in a loveless marriage for the last 12 years to an old battleaxe named Kim. She cursed my life with three stepchildren named Star, R.J. and Ryan.

I have one rotten grandson. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn when the fuck is dead. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura.

Tom Segura. Christina Pajitz and Christina Pajitz. Welcome to your mom's house. This guy's fantastic. I love him. I've been waiting for somebody to do this my whole life on television. By the way, there's people who for sure who watch were like, I can't believe you'd say that.

This guy just has a good sense of humor. He's funny. Yeah, it's great. That's just funny. But I feel I've been waiting my whole life for people to just be honest on television, especially. Well, he's definitely, he's being funny though. Yeah.

Yeah. Can we see it again? I really like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just hilarious. This guy's got a sense of humor. Rotten. Hello Blair.

Hello. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. I've been trapped in a loveless marriage for the last 12 years to an old battleaxe named Kim. She cursed my life with three stepchildren named Star, RJ and Ryan, and I have one rotten

grandson. Oh, yeah. He loves them. Yeah. Otherwise, he wouldn't mention them. Of course. He's being funny. That's hilarious.

I love it though, because I love it because it's funny, but also because I know somebody was like, who would save? Most people would save. He hates his grandchildren. Yeah. How many letters do you think the Wheel of Fortune got? They got a few. They got a few emails.

They got tweets. Yeah. Well, especially because it's like- Why would you have this serial killer on your show? It's all old people watching this now, right? Who the fuck is watching Wheel of Fortune at this age? I mean, in this era? Yeah.

It's like old people, huh? Probably. Is your mom like this show? No. No. Not at all. Your dad? No.

I thought Americans love this kind of stuff. They do not watch game shows. My dad would never watch this. No, my parents don't. What is this stupid fucking shit? No, my dad thinks this is the dumbest thing in the world. He thinks all game shows are stupid. He also hates sitcoms.

So does mine. Yeah. My dad had contempt for Three's Company. Yeah. I would love it as a kid. Well, it's funny you mentioned that, because my dad enjoyed a couple. He hates all modern sitcoms. He enjoyed Three's Company, and I think he liked All in the Family.

Everyone liked that one, because it was actually funny. Yeah. It was the only actually funny sitcom ever. Yeah. All the big sitcoms from the last 20 years? Oh, yeah. None. Garbage.

I try watching Friends, and I want to blow my brains out. It's still popular. Very popular. It's the number one show. No, but I'm saying on Netflix, it does massive numbers. I can't do it. I can't. No, I've been with Ali on the road, and I see her.

I'm like, what are you watching? She's like, Friends. Loves it. Loves it. Loves it. I know. People do. That's half of the world is doing that.

I can't. And The Office, still. These shows have been off the air 10, 15, 20 years. I think The Office is different. I think The Office is probably pretty good. I guess. I've never watched it. I guess I have a problem with a comedy is like, what?

You know, and it's really like, you can't have a Turkish sandwich. I want a Turkish sandwich or whatever. It's the bus Craig Robinson's balls, because he's on The Office. And because he was like, yeah, you know, it's pretty big shows. Like, yeah, it sucks, though, compared to the original. And he was like, yeah, six episode seasons. Have fun with that. I'm like, well, when their quality takes you a while to make them.

The British version is so good. It's really funny. With your face. It's so amazing. Yeah, he's amazing. Yeah. I watched The Pilot of The Office, like when it debuted on NBC. And I was like, well, I guess I won't be watching the rest of that shit.

Turn that off. It's painful. It's so fucking painful. Steve Carell is great, but I was just like, this is a fucking weak version of the show that I've been watching. You know, I always have admiration for people on game shows, though, because could you imagine the pressure of having to perform, like, you know, to have to think and stuff in the moment and you're on television, you're not used to being on television.

The lights, you want to win the money. And actually, your heart has the race to go for this joke. You realize that, right? Oh, yeah. Like when this guy was like, tell us about your family. You know, people are usually like, I'm in furniture sales. Holy shit. And like they fucking, and this guy went ahead and ripped the joke off.

He went for it. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Takes a lot of courage. It does, actually. Yeah. I would be so nervous. First of all, I would never be able to do Jeopardy.

Like I can answer maybe two top questions. I almost puked and passed out because I had to do it. I had to read something at a wedding. And this is like, I was doing already 1500 seat theaters, you know, and like, and that was no problem. But to go up and read something serious at a wedding, I had to read a passage. Oh, I'm saying in front of an audience, but like it was not to be funny. Right.

I was like, I feel my heart fucking racing. Yeah. I think you and I both have trouble with sincerity. Yeah. And vulnerability. Ugh. Real connection. Gross.

But that's why we work so well together. Hate, hate it. Hate intimacy. You do. Hate feelings. I mean, I share briefly that a little bit of last night, I won't share everything. But there's a very narrow window that Tom allows me to be physically close to him and snuggle.

And the cuddle bunny. And he usually goes, I'm hot. And he pushes me off of him in a few minutes. And there's a nice window right before we make marital love where he lets me snuggle. And it's because I know I have the goods that he wants. I know that you, I have what you need. You know what I'm saying? So I have a very narrow area that I can just cuddle you and I make you put your arms around

me and cuddle. And then I get to fuck off me. Right. That's Bobby and Trish. You niggas don't work no correct. Oh my God. How did that come from what I was saying? Just trying to transition out of it.

Geez. See? See how uncomfortable he was? Yeah. Well, Sue Wu has taken over the mommy dominion. I mean, when I was in Gashville, every time I got up there, I said, whoa, Sue Wu. And I'm like, this is a dang thing, you guys. Dude, I did it at one of the theaters this week, one of the big ones.

I just went out and I was like, it's great to be here. Sue Wu. 2600 people. I swear I was going to say, Sue Wu. And I was like, gotta get that shirt in the store. Can we? Is that dangerous? No.

Sue Wu. Might be for them. Well, we're fine. Now, is it Sue Wu or Sue Wu? You know, people have been saying throwing a pee on there. And he does. Really? But I mean, when you look it up, it just, there's no pee, like the actual, I mean, YG's

current representative of the Sue Wu nation and he calls it Sue Wu. Oh, he does? Yeah. Okay. Well, that big word knows what he's talking about. So I guess we'll have to give him the benefit of the doubt. Tom. What?

What? I'm trying to look something up so we can get it happening. I want to have a real detailed conversation about this. It has really taken over. People are saying it left and right. Oh, yeah. I did not know that there was a pee on there. Seriously?

I did not. I didn't hear that. People have given me just dozens of opinions about this. So let's pull this up and let you know what people are actually saying. You niggas don't work no brick. People are saying it's the new home here now. It is the new home here now. Yeah.

So the opinions, didn't I post the whole thing of them? I don't think it's work. I think it's want no rep. You don't want to wrap up homie. I hear it. Well, yeah, I mean, I know, but where happened to the... I did a post that had like all the different opinions. You know what I mean?

Where it was like a swipe. It was like eight pages of it. Did it get taken down? No. You saw it. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

It's gone. No. It's gone. Yeah. What? It was there. It was like... Don't you get a notice when you log in your Instagram?

Yeah, usually, but... It tells you, oh, you're almost up to a million followers. I'm so upset. Why? I'm the Instagram champ. I like it more than you. I feel like I deserve to have more followers. What?

I like it more than you. What does that even mean? I have more fun on there. I'm putting good content up there and my TikTok curations and my stories. Okay. Anyways. Yeah. So anyway, people...

That's so crazy. They must have taken it down. Are you sure? That's just... Yeah, they did. They do that sometimes. Yeah, they must not be okay with all the gang-related references. Well, I can read a few that were sent to me.

People... People... You just burped it. Yeah. Quietly? Mm-hmm. Sorry. People had differing opinions.

It's a big thing here. So here's one of the big ones that came in that I was like, wow. This says, I'm black. That's how it starts. All right. This is a message I was... Okay. Check.

You're qualified. He says, I'm black. The black guy should read this. The black guy should read this. I think he's talking about anything. Yeah. The black guy has a name. Yeah.

I guess he's saying... Oh, he's saying he should read this because of what he... All right. The Subu guy is saying, you don't want no wreck. What just happened? Like... Hold on. What just happened?

Hold on. Like you don't want to get fucked up. Like car wrecks and shit. Nobody wants to wreck. So say you don't want no wreck because I'll fuck you up to the point. Niggas. Like you was in a wreck. I can't listen to you do this right now.

I was in a gang called GD and all niggas in a gang got their own slang. Like bloods take out every C at the beginning of the word and put a B instead of cigarettes, bigarets and shit like that or anything with the C or K sound. Like I'm kicking back coolin'. And then niggas. Say, oh shit, my niggas ain't done just big back bullet. So it's like that. Bloods remove the C's, crypts remove the B's and so on.

Hope I provided y'all with enough info. We'll be sending this to you on Instagram if it's okay. Subu to my niggas. Tom. Oh yeah. Subu is a war cry. Let people know. Let blood, let fellow blood in the area know that shit is about to go down.

So there you go. Thank you, King Black Solomon, appreciate it. And that's the case. So just to be clear, this is a former gang member who is for sure saying that this gentleman is saying that they, you don't want no wreck, right? As in W-R-E-C-K, the debate has come to the point where some people are saying, you niggas don't work no wreck. Saying that he's saying work no rep.

Some people were even throwing out there in the post that got taken down that he was saying you don't work no red, like as in like rep the red color because you're a blood. Oh, that make work no red sounds. Here's his saying in slo-mo. Yeah, I like these. I think it's so clear that the word is want. I hear want when it's slow down. Want, no.

And he's definitely saying want, no. And then the debate would just be whether that's wreck or rep or red. No, you're shaking your head. Still sounds like work to me. Oh, it sounds like work to you. Oh, work no. I got you. No, I hear want.

Now when it's slow down. But people, he's right. People were sending in messages. It's work. No. Want. No. Yeah.

I still am. I'm just perplexed that Instagram took that down. What I did was I did screen grabs of all the messages I got. And I mean, I got a, you know, a bunch of them, but I just I took like different ones. And yeah, they took it down. That's so funny, man. Just for like somebody saying, oh, I think he's saying this, it's wild. What would they take that down for?

Yeah. I mean. Lots of big words. It's a big word. It's gang related stuff. Was there a lot of big words in the post? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's why. Yeah. But I mean, like, I mean, rappers post their own videos, right? Of like them saying it a hundred times. Yeah. Oh, wait. You know, people will tease their own songs and they'll hear them. Homie, this is it.

We just have the, this is it. Is it? Yeah. It's the clip. The thumbnail. You found it. Okay. It's of Su Wu guy.

There you go. It's the clip of Su Wu. So go down. Yeah. Yeah. It opens on. There it is. That's it.

She's right. Click that. And then you can see that it pages Instagram. Right here. The Christina P. See, okay. So we can, we can actually pull it up now. Su Wu work.

No rec means they aren't working for recognition of being a blood like he is saying they are false and out and who they are to call him out. Okay. So that's one. Hey, Tom was watching the latest episode of YouTube. I think the guy, Su Wu guy is saying warrant. No. Definitely not.

And we should delete your post. Yeah. Work no rec means rec time where they kick your ass because you got, because you fucked up. I mean, it's that is what probably I would say in the votes. This is probably the, the leaders is want, well, want or work no rec. I think blood dude is saying you don't work no rec blood sometimes drop the C from the letters like he's saying y'all don't sell no crack.

I'm white, but in the jail, you don't want no rec rec is slang for recreation. The whole statement means you basically, you don't want to fight basically that is a, I mean, that's, that's a valid endorsement of that being the phrase. You don't want to be out in the rec. That's when you get maybe so the debate is really about record rep, right? It's you niggas don't work no rec as in you people of color are not working with a criminal record. No.

No. I mean, he might have heard the saying, right? His interpretation is completely tick tock. It's work no rep. So this is one of the other big debates, right? Work no rep. Could it be, could it be that this man is saying rep is what set you claim like blood or Crip work is basically what you do under your set.

So he's basically saying these big words aren't outdoing work under the rep. They aren't actually banging on the set. I mean, this is a valid argument. I mean, I feel like we just need, you know, kind of like a Bernie Trump debate at this point and need people from each camp to get time on the bike and explain themselves. Is there more? I think the blood is saying work no red, red being the color or want no red. No.

They won't say red. It is record rep. That's what it is. You never hear bloods or Crips being like, I wear red, I'm the Crips and I'm... They definitely don't say it like that. That's what I'm saying. They're not like... I wear red and I, it's my favorite color.

That's what I mean. Yeah. The Crips are, yeah, Crips are blue homies, like they're not really... You guys are not wearing red and therefore you're not in my gang. Right. Yes. Right. It's not like a little rascal.

I will call my friends here in just a moment. So will... Right. That's not happening. Right. It's super lame, bro. Yeah. Well, look, that's it.

It has been a lot of fun to entertain that. I feel like the, I don't know if the debate is settled. It's not settled. No, I'm saying that's what I'm saying. That's it. That's it. That's in the presentation of the evidence. Well, we're going to have to do, I think we're going to have to find this man.

Well, we found this man. I tried to send him a message and I got to the whole thing. It took me through a process of how to direct message him. And then when I hit send, it was like, he doesn't follow you. He can't get received. I was like, oh crap. But I did go to his page and see that people are commenting. So you might be able to see if you go to his TikTok that maybe he's answered.

I don't know at this point because people were commenting all the time. Maybe he's actually answered somebody and been like, this is what I'm saying. But other than, yeah, it's either that or we just got to reach out to a real act of blood and be like, hey, man, OK, an active gangbanger. Yeah. And be like, dude, what's going on here? And have him be like, obviously, it's you don't work on Rick. All right.

So anyways, that was a lot of fun. Yeah, you guys can keep weighing in on it. We still are. We're still to the point where we don't exactly know. All right. A couple of things I want to tell you. I had the best, best time in doing this run that I did that started in Des Moines and I went to Lincoln.

I went to Sioux City, Minneapolis and Fargo in Des Moines. I got to tell the people who, if you don't know that live there, you have an amazing restaurant in town called Proof. They stayed open late for us. There is a future superstar chef. He's 21 years old there. Know my life. Incredible dishes.

And I'm like, you're 21. He came and he talked to us. Yeah. Proof Des Moines. The menu, hit the menu there. This guy was making go to dinner sauce, sauce, little dots on the plate. It's the combinations of things that really, you know what I mean? Like when, like he made this, this incredible, oh, he actually has an Instagram.

I didn't even realize that. So I met this kid, Diego Rodriguez. He is from Mexico. He's making just out of this world dishes. So guess what? So I'm sitting there. I'm talking to him afterwards. He brought, he just made the most incredible salmon dish I've ever had there.

He had pieces of, he had some type of mushroom and then cut up grapefruit. So it was like, it would, it would be kind of salty savory and then grapefruit would cleanse your palate, unbelievable dishes. The whole thing was bone marrow to, oh my God. Anyways, when we're done with it, I'm talking to him like you're 21 and you're coming up. So I'm like, were you a sous chef, you know, as a teen in like some. Yeah. Like did he start working at like 13 basically?

Well, yeah. But also like, did you do it at a obviously a high end, you know, like a Michelin star restaurant? Nope. Do you know where he worked before he became the executive chef at Proof? This great restaurant, Chipotle. I love Chipotle. Yeah.

And I'm like, wait, so how did you, you just scooped beans and he's like, yeah. And I'm like, how did you come up with this stuff? I don't know. I just like, like he has just, he just has that ability. He just has the talent. It's like when you, somebody sings and you're like, so were you formally trained like, no, I just know how to sing like this. He's like that, but as a, as a chef.

So I'm telling you this, how did they know that he was good? I think he got a job there probably, you know, as a sous chef, like cooking and then just moved up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the dude is, it really is like an experience. 21.

Sometimes you have a dining experience. You're like, this is an experience. It was like that. So I give a big shout out to him. He, holy shit. The, what's his name? I want to get his name right. So I don't get it f this up.

My guy, what is it, Gorman reached out about giving us a tour. This is like the day before they reach out. Hey, do you want to tour the University of Nebraska's football facilities? And I was like, yeah. Okay. Cool. Yeah. Uh, he Jeremiah, so did I go in the locker room?

They give me the full. I mean, while the team was there and we told, we all showered together. It was great. No. They gave me the full tour that you give like a recruit, which is like, if you're a big college football fan, like I am just that experience at any big time university is so much fun, man. I had, I had a blast.

They took me through their, you know, their kind of welcome area, their, their strength and conditioning room. Dad, you are. You're taking all these dad pics now. I love it. I know. They took me in their equipment room, the locker room. They took me on the field.

I snapped, um, I snapped the ball and Searle's there held it and then Sikler kicked two legit field goals, which is pretty crazy. Um, I think if you go to the, let's see, this is walking through their tunnel. This is like right here. You can play this. I'm actually, I snap it to, uh, to, uh, Searle's here and then look, look at Ryan. That's Ryan. Yeah.

Oh, he did it. He did it. Yeah. That's right. Dude. It's out of the night, DJ. We had so much fun on this trip, but getting this tour was just amazing. Oh, look at you two.

That's a great photo. People have photoshopped my dick in his butt already. Of course. And look at his face. He's like, he's so, and I'm really proud of you wearing these track suits now. I really like that you've embraced that is the way to travel. It's dope. It's bro.

A track suit. Yeah. And it's all red. So a subwoofer life, you know? Yeah. Look at any shake his head. He's like, Oh shit. I like your suit there.

He commented on this. He was like, Oh my God. And my all red track suit. It's so funny that, um, this was given to me, this track suit was given to me and it's, it was like the day before I left. Yeah. So I was like, Oh, I'll just, you know, I was like, Yeah, I'll just wear this to travel this week.

And then like we're doing our soundcheck before Des Moines and I was like, Oh, take a picture of me in my all red tracks. It was so fun. Um, but anyways, I want to thank the, the, the, those guys Gorman Jeremiah and everybody there at university Nebraska for just like an experience. It got me so excited. Like I had so much fun doing that tour that I've already set up a tour at another college football town.

I'm going to. That's a good idea. And I'm going to try to do it more often just because it's, it actually is a thrill for me. Yeah. I never see you this happy. It's nice to see you excited about something because you have a very narrow emotional bandwidth. Thank you.

And to see you feel joy. Yeah. Look at you smile. Yeah. I never see your top tee ever. It was really, it really is fun for me. It's good for you. Yeah.

You should, you should. It really is fun for me. So. I watched a documentary about tacos. How was that? On Netflix. I swear to God, probably the highlight of my week. I mean, I know you went to Nebraska and Des Moines and all these really glamorous places,

but I got to, I learned about, uh, al pastor tacos in Mexico. How was that? Do you know that they put pineapple on their talks? No, I don't like that. I don't, I kind of think I don't like the idea of it, but I might like it in real life. You got to watch this. It's a taco. Yeah.

It's a talk, you talk documentary. We should have internment camps for people that put pineapple on pizza. So. I don't like it. I like, I like Hawaiian. Like Hawaiian pizza. Oh, we got to file divorce papers. I am absolutely disgusted with that concept.

Pineapple, ham on a pizza. It's good. Get fucked. Get fucked. Yeah. You deserve a slow death is what you deserve. And so does everybody in your family. Okey-dokey.

So, oh, just before I celebrated what a great week it was, but I got to tell you the dumbest part of my week. Yeah. I didn't really get to tell you this. There's this thing too. And I know it happens when, when you live in a big city, you're just used to a certain pace for things and also for the way that, uh, like customer service kind of is handled because you know that there's just a lot of, a lot going on, a lot of movement.

Well, I think there's like, there's city pace and then in different parts of the United States, there's their pace. And I get real frustrated when I'm somewhere and I'm like, brah. So this is what happens. Brah. I can't take it. I'm down. I'm in a hotel.

We had our shows night before. I'm in a hotel. Uh, bus. We have a bus that's picking us up from the hotel at, let's say, noon, all right? Wait, where are you? What city? Like, I'm probably Lincoln. Lincoln.

The L is not silent, right? Lincoln, Nebraska. Go ahead. So. Lincoln. Oh boy. So the bus is going to pick us up at noon. Where is Nebraska?

What are you? Why are you ruining this? Is it in the middle? Why are you ruining this? It's not a leg. What are you doing? I'm sorry. I'm just trying to paint a picture.

You're not painting up. I'm painting the picture. Nebraska. Okay. You're in a hotel in Nebraska. Yeah. How many times do you want me to say it? Okay.

Continue. I'm sorry. I'm listening. So the bus is picking us up at noon. I go downstairs. I have breakfast and now I'm going to get a coffee, go upstairs, take a shit, get my stuff together, come down, the bus takes us. So at like 1140, I'm like, I have my coffee.

I'm like, oh, like I don't have an emergency shit, but it's like when you go like, oh, I'm going to shit in like five minutes, you know, like that. So I just, I get it. I go, I walk to the elevator. I press the elevator button to call it and I notice it doesn't light up, but I also notice that the little icon, the symbol for the fire department is lit up, meaning that like the elevator has been turned off, right? For whatever reason.

So I notice that and I go, all right, so I walk over the front desk and I'm like, hey, the elevator is not working. And she goes, oh, the one in the middle is, and I go, no, it's not because the thing is lit up. So that means the elevator is off. Should be like, yeah, they all should be, but they're, they're not. And she's like, okay, well, maybe they're working on it. I'm like, could you find out though?

Like since I want to take it, she's like, all right. So like there's a walkie talkie literally next to her on the desk and I'm like, could you radio someone and find out? And she's like, well, I know they're working on it. And I'm like, you just said that like one of them is working and she's like, well, it should have been working. I'm like, could you pick it? Could you radio someone and find out?

So she picks it up and she's like, are you guys working on the elevator? The guy's like, yup. And she's like, yeah, they're working on it. I go, can you find out how long it'll be? She's like, you could take the stairs and I go, I know, but I'm on the 16th. I kind of got a dump in my pants right now. I don't want, no, but I'm like, I'm trying to tell her why I don't want to walk the 16 floors is because, you know, I'm not that comfortable right now.

I'm like, could you, I don't, you know, I have bags. I'm going to have to break like, could you just, and she's like, well, I guess they're working on it. I go, could you ask for a timeframe for how long it'll be? Like, is it going to be five minutes, 30 minutes? You don't have any other way of getting there, right? Like you have to either take the stairs. We'll have to take either the 16 flights of stairs.

But that's not even the point. The point is, why don't you think, hey, you know how there's guests here? They would like to know how long it'll be. Like I'm telling her, do you think all these people would like to know whether they're waiting five minutes or an hour? And she's like, geez, she's like, um, do you know how long it's going to be? And then the guy's like, uh, I guess like 10 or 20 minutes and she's like, I guess like 10 or 20 minutes.

Then she's like, you could take the stairs. I'm like, again, right, we're going to double up on the explanation. I go, all right. I go, where are your fucking stairs? And I do say that, um, and she's like, huh, she's like, that's not real Nebraska phrase. And then they show me where it is. You have to go down two flights of stairs to take the stairs up. So you actually, yeah, because the stairwell starts in their basement.

So you, you go from the lobby down two flights of stairs and then you go up. You essentially 18. So I go 18 flights of stairs up with my coffee and like a movie. As I open the door on the 16th floor, I hear ding. And the guy goes, elevated work. No. I was like, right, always, but her lack of like, I'm like, Jesus Christ, man. I'm not asking you fucking where the underwear is in the store.

Like is the elevator going to work? It could be. That's fear infuriating. I don't know. Yeah. Not my job. Right. I mean, it'll be, it'll work at some point today.

Like you don't think that people want to know. Maybe in other like smaller places, they don't care about taking a shit in a toilet or something. I mean, like they don't have a sense of urgency. We do about stuff. This is pretty great. You're going to wait. Can I tell you what happened to me? First, you went to take yourself a hook knife like this, work best, try to get all the dog

food off it, or see some Pepsi, baby. I'm so far. I'm all in. Just so you know that. How do you get a job on your fuck face? Well, I know who that is. His voice has been in my head for the last two weeks. Okay.

What did you want to tell me? I'll tell you how they're retarded. Yeah. That I was going to tell you that I was in an airplane. I was flying in first class, and as you know, our designated turlet is in the front, right? Well, I'm waiting and waiting to go take a piss, and somebody's in there forever, forever. So I'm standing, and of course the Cunt stewardess tells me I have to go stand in the back. Can you please go five rows back?

And I'm standing in the aisle like a donkey, and I'm waiting, and somebody's taking a leisurely shit on the plane, and I do what you do where I go. Do I go to the disgusting economy? Do I go to the bathroom? Or do I wait it out here? And the minute I commit it to the economy thing, I heard the fucking door open, but then my reason went, you know what, it's okay because I would have had to take a pee in that guy's shit cloud.

Yeah. Yeah. And what's better is a fresh turlet. Yeah. I mean, if somebody ripped that long in there, you didn't even finish your story. So how did your dump go once you made it down there? It was so fucking upsetting. It was just, I mean, the shit was fine.

It was just like nobody wants to hike 18 flights when you have a shit ready to go. No, I know. No, your body actually ends up shutting it down some. And that's what happened to you? Yeah, yeah. Now I had to wait again for it to come back. That's the worst part, when you push it back up and then you have to wait again for your windows gone.

Yeah. What's this maniac up to? You'll see, he's cleaning his knife in a Pepsi, wiping the dog food off of it. This is probably going to hurt just a little bit. It's an aggressive. It's going to hurt just a little bit. That's not him. That's him.

That's me. That's the fed smoker. He looks crazy. He looks great. What are you talking about? Can I tell you, Dr. Drew? Car looks cool. Air looks cool.

Everything's good. He's got a lot going. There's a lot of skulls on the interior of the car, which is always a sign of mental stability, skulls on stuff. I would not talk poorly of this fed smoker if I were you. I would just leave him be. Let him be. Dr. Drew predicted this might be bipolar.

Okay. That's not on me, fed smoker. I think you're doing great. What's nice about this knife here is the tip's been broke off, so that is going to... Tip's been broke off. Bear with me. Is that even English? What is happening?

What is happening? What are you doing, sir? What? Great. Great. I cut my lip. What is happening? We're parked illegally.

Quit. Quit. Quit. Quit. Quit. What is he doing, babe? What is he doing? Is he pulling the tube out?

I can't watch this. My God. My God. It is insane. Look at those nails. Everything's good. Car's good. I like the dog.

It's a cute dog. He's really... What's on the ceiling there? By the way, you've got to give him some credit for having the wherewithal and just the ability to film himself while doing it. Yeah, with the other hand. You know, I would be like, I got to put this down. And he's like, no, this is good content.

I don't like it. I feel like I heard something break. I just had a tingle. I don't like it. I don't like his breathing. Got it. Got it. Oh, my God.

Got it. This guy. He's crazier than we thought. Nah. He's a lot crazier than we thought. Those glasses rip. Those are tight. Would you wear those, Annie?

Those are pretty cool glasses. Yeah, sure. Hey, man. Babe, look at the painting on the ceiling. It's the girl with the pearl earring. Yeah. Who's that? Ava Braun?

I don't know. I mean... Look at the blood on his mouth. The blood. This guy. Is he a burning man? What's around his neck, babe? What is around his neck?

Oh, God, I think I got it. Look at his tits. Fuck. Look at that bad tooth, folks. Look at that fucking thing. Oh, my God. That's the way you do it at Falcon Car Wash. At Falcon Car Wash?

Hardly any blood at all. Hardly any blood at all. Painless. Painless. If you ever need a tooth pulled, you come and see me. It's about cutting my lip, though. This is my nightmare. Oh, look at that mouth, babe.

Oh, man. How much to French that mouth? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You see the trash on the seat? Look at the amount of trash on the seat. Oh, my God. Right here now, dude.

I'm bleeding, so we have to get something to stop the bleeding. I should have got a napkin. Probably. These are the kind of fun things you can do in a no parking zone. Dude, that's cars. That's cars insane. What is this man's world? What is happening?

That car is nuts. That car is nuts. Can I tell you something? I'm so stunned. I don't get stunned a lot by these clips. I am beside myself now. I don't even know how to make fun of this. It's that deep for me.

It's pretty great. This is some wild shit. All these dentist problems on a white lighty. All these troubles when you have a tooth bothering you. Yeah. Just pull over. Yeah. And take care of it.

Thank you. Now I have to get something to stop this bleeding because I'm drinking blood right now. He's like Mad Max. This guy is out of control. Tata, they're retarded. Holy shit. He is a renegade. Dude.

He is out of his fucking... How many people are like this just stumbling around on earth? Like the percentage? I think there's just one of him. I think fed smoker is so low. Tata, they're retarded. Jesus. God damn it, man.

Christ. You fucking retard. He is something, man. I mean the hair. I feel like in his other video where he approaches the security guy, he seems way more put together in that video. Yeah. This video seems like things have been going south.

Well... I wonder which is... Which is... You know what I mean? Is this earlier or just later? The ramp up or the wind down. I feel like the... Him approaching the security guard was probably after since he buzzed his hair.

Oh, okay. So he's been improving, that means. Because this is insane. Well, Dr. Drew... On all levels. Dr. Drew, I did Dr. Drew After Dark and we discussed this guy and he said that it's bipolar, right? So there's an up and then there's a down. So this might be like manic, manic, manic before the come down.

You're really crazy. Part of the mania. So get... All right. So, thank you guys and this is also an amazing thing to get into here. A lot of you have made note, as we have many times, that one of the all time great guests on this show, in most people's books, it's just no debate. A top three, one, two or three, however you feel, was Danny Brown.

Danny Brown, the rapper also has a television show now. Is it Danny's Basement? Is that what it's called? Danny's House? Danny's House on Vice Land, which was great, came out a few months ago. He has a new album out called You Know What I'm Saying. So great. It's so great and Danny did an interview with, what is it, Pitchfork, where he listed the

nine things that inspired You Know What I'm Saying. And we are beyond honored that one of the nine things is this show, Yours Truly. Your Mom's House podcast is on his list. You know what I'm saying? I can't believe it. And yeah, we're just honored. It's such a thrill. Yeah.

Danny goes on in this little blurb here to talk about. He goes, you know, I love the show, little clips. One time they had a 20 minute clip of black athletes saying, you know what I'm saying? Trying to count who says it the most during interviews. These motherfuckers say it a lot. It's the most hilarious thing to watch. Two white people crying their eyes out to black people saying, you know what I'm saying? Over and over and over for no reason.

You know what I'm saying? It's stuck with me. Podcasts are taking over my music life. Then he goes on to that. But then he named the album, you know what I'm saying? So we're just, I know, it's awesome. We're beyond thank you, Danny. We love you.

He's the best. I keep thinking about his information he gave us when he was in jail. If you haven't had the Danny Brown episode, go and listen. It is a, I mean, first of all, it's very, we've had guests on the show who have heard episodes or heard clips or moments, but it's rare to have a guest who's a fun guest who actually, without a doubt, listens to the show because he was able to jump in on every joke. All the lexicon, he knew all the moments, he would refer to things that I was like, oh yeah, I forgot that.

He knew it all. I always think about how they use hot Cheetos in jail as a base coat for every snack. He's like, well, first you take hot Cheetos and then you smash them up and then you put like a pepperoni stick in them. The best that he was like, jail was fun. He's like, I kind of miss jail. That to me was the best. I got a 2001 Chevrolet Suburban, you know what I'm saying?

This, you know what I'm saying? He really tapped into something. That was one of my favorite eras of why I'm age. That was big. Was that what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, we're big. You know what I mean? That's not the homeboy Mitch, you know what I'm saying?

It's big stuff. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? You can show me. Give my fuck right there. You know what I'm saying? That is a white guy named Rob. Yeah. I swear to God.

Yeah. So you know what I'm saying? He's not going to fuck with the real, you know what I'm saying? I mean, he drops a lot of you know what I'm saying? Yeah, and then the hockey players will be like, you know, you know. Oh yeah, they were you know. You know, you know, you know. Yeah.

But you know what I'm saying? We're real big. And his album is called, you know what I'm saying? It's it's like it is perfect, man. Full circle. Amazing. So congrats to Danny Brown on the new album. Make sure you check it out.

It is of course called. You know what I'm saying? So check that out. You have to come back on the show, man. Oh yeah. I already messaged him. I messaged him when when his show came out. I was like, you got to come back and he was like, I'm down.

So we'll definitely have him back whenever he wants. So this is you're not ready. I don't know if the audience is ready. I don't know if anyone's ready. This is a YMH exclusive. You've been teasing me with this. You've been dropping hints that this is coming. Well, I'll I'll tell the full story.

So I guested on Dr. Drefterdark yesterday as of this taping and that episode won't come out for a while. Well, I got to see this on. You'll see like if you if you watch both, it's actually out of order. That's the first time I saw it will be on drew and we were going to be like, oh, let's hold it until that. But I was like, I can't. There's no way.

It's that exciting. It's so exciting. I can't. I'm I'm on pins and needles here. I can't wait. You're not ready. The audience isn't ready. So this came to us via a fan who was like, I found this and this is, you know, we've

seen RPC, the great Robert Paul Champagne in a lot of different settings, talking a lot of shit, doing a lot of things. He's an endless source of entertainment. But personally, I've never seen this and that's why I'm like, well, we got to we got to get on. Hold on. Hold on. Let me get ready.

Don't just bring it on me. I feel like I got to stretch. Yeah. I got to get my glasses. Oh, yeah, you should. And just go ahead and lock your eyes over here. Okay. Okay.

Is it going to be worse than the time? No, no, no. The time guy pulling his tooth out. That was horrendous. This is just different. Is it blood? Just watch. Stop.

Okay. God, just stop. What? Just stop and watch. I'm excited. Can I be excited? Okay. So, you know, you know how to do mania.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to come now. I'm going to come now. I'm coming. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, baby. Oh.

Oh. Get off. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. There you go.

Let me think what's worse. Oh, he's putting that out there. YouTube channel. Wait, but if you want to search for it, what's the title? Oh, it's really good. It's 59844BC, space 231976558, A4B1126744. It's a really good video. Yeah.

I'm going to come now. I'm going to come now. I'm coming. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, baby. Oh. Oh. Get off.

Oh, yeah. Oh. It's really long. It's very long. How much is it coming? I think it's a lot. There is a little. It's a lot.

There was a shot afterwards of some stomach stuff going on. No. Wait a minute. This is on YouTube? Isn't this not allowed on YouTube? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, hold on.

It had 19 views, so I don't think it got found yet, but yeah. It's not okay by YouTube. I don't think it's monetized, is it? You know what's interesting about this video, and I take this as a performance piece, is that this is the culmination of many a horny request on the internet, right? It started with the very ramped up video. He's basically been threatening us with this video this whole time, right? It was guys at jail.

I like to get fucked, man. I'm going to get fucked, man. Like he's threatening you. Yeah. Fuck with my ass, man. Yeah. And then the please heighten, right? I'm black guys.

I'm right out of here. I got a lease on the key, 2395. He keeps plugging it, plugging it. And now finally, finally, but finally, the horniness is at a fever pitch. He's such a psycho. And he can't take it anymore. Now he's resorted to just ejaculating in front of people because he can't take his horniness anymore.

I get it. Pleaded. He's begged. He's put it out there. And now he's just going to masturbate in front of you. Yep. The cool guy club. Way to go, RPC.

We're proud of you, man. That was awesome. Please put up more videos like that and just go ahead and maybe title them differently. Yeah, put titles on there. What titles should he put on there? Watch me come so hard. Just anything, sitting at home, anything other than code would probably be a good thing to do.

He oiled up his chest, babe. I think that's just sweat. Are you sure? Something tells me that AC is probably not a top priority in his apartment. Yeah. I mean, look, I have to tell you, though, his videos have gotten better. A couple things, though, that you should know. I spoke yesterday to Dr. Drew.

He wants to meet up when he goes to New York. So that should excite Robert. I mean, listen, Robert, Drew's a happily married man, but he's got a rockin' body. So I would even just, you know, see what happens. Have you ever climaxed as hard as Robert Paul Champagne in this video? Let's watch it one more time. Oh my God, really? I want you to put yourself in his shoes.

Like, you know what you have to do with me in here? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to calm down. I'm going to calm down. I'm coming. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, baby. Oh. Oh, I can't.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah.

Very dramatic. It's so foul to watch, dude. Oh. Oh. That sounds no different than if you were taking a huge shit. You know what? Oh. Oh.

God. God, that's, yeah. It's really cool, Robert. It's really cool content. Yeah. What would you rather do? It kind of reminds me of Uncle Terry doing it, remember? Oh, Terry is the same.

Uncle Terry? Shit. What did Drew say about this clip? He didn't say much. His hands were over his face for most of it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I hate Uncle Terry. Yeah. You like Robert's?

I feel like I know. I feel like I know Robert and I'm like kind of happy for him that he's finally, he's finally relieved. Do you know what I mean? Like he's been so pent up in these videos. Yeah. I don't think this is like his first relief from these videos. No, but I'm saying it's nice for me to see him find relief.

I have never expected this reaction. I'm happy for him. I'm happy for him. He's been. It's not relief that was provided by anyone but him. Right. I know, but at least now he's not so pent up. What are you talking about?

Like the frenzy, come on. You think that's over now? For the time being. You mean for the hour after this fucking rested after? Yeah. That's what I mean. At least he's going to be like. It's right back to where it was.

Because I feel like he's obsession with finding black guys at a jail. Like dude, please. That's not over. I don't know why you think that's over. Well, for now, he's satiated for now. It's not for now. No, it's not. This is like.

So something that's interesting about this is that he's just talking. Video title. Yeah. He's just talking to the people and then he comes and he goes right back. He goes right back into talking. He does. He doesn't clean up. Okay.

Go ahead and cue it for me. Oh yeah. He's just like talking. I'm talking. I'm gonna slap me around. Hey, men are 30. This is 20 seconds. You're a hot copper.

Okay. Hot fireman or something. I'm a low man. So he's just stroking. I see that he's stroking. Let me know. The rougher, the better. Yeah.

The more intense. The rougher, that's all he talks about. So come on, man. Let's get down. He's got a new necklace. Let's get with the magic, baby. I want it all rough, tough and no hold barred. So you know how to do it, man.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna calm down. I'm gonna calm down. I'm coming. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, baby. Oh. Oh, get off. Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. There you go. Let her keep playing. Yeah. There's a coming up, man.

Fuck you, honey. You're walking around there in your home. We've got no place to live, man. Oh, shit. It doesn't help. A crackhead or a drug addict, man. Come on, man. Come over.

I got some, like, four chocolate candy balls. Not even a second. Any more food, sweets. Not even a second. You need to switch. Not even a second after orgasm. He's like, you fucking need a place to stay? You want to fuck?

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, Tom. I stand corrected. You're right. I thought that would provide some momentary relief. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Go back. Go back.

Go back. Press play. He still is fired up. You want to take your smoky drug, take your drugs here? Yeah. And all you gotta do is fuck the shit out of me, man. Just fuck the shit out of me, man. Use me, man.

Use me, man. Use me like a piece of garbage, man. Serious response, man. I need a good fuck. And if I want you to fuck the shit out of me, man, I want you to fuck me. Use me, man. I want guys to slap you, kicking balls, man. Yeah.

Open my legs, man. Yep. Yep. Yep. I want to be called names. I love it. Racial, man. Racial.

Come on, baby. Let's get down with breast tax, man. Rougher is the better. Come on, man. Use me. Oh, fuck, man. Oh, man. Take so hard, man.

It's so hot, man. Still hot? Take my hands. Take my throat, man. Yeah. You want to use me? I love him. That's the video ends right there.

Jesus Christ. Go to his page. Like, go to his actual click on his profile. And is it, let's see. Yeah. All the video titles have cool names. How is he doing that? Oh, they're all exactly 10 minutes.

So that tells me he either knows the YouTube algorithm really well. No. He doesn't know anything. Or there's like an auto-setting thing. Yeah, it cuts him off. How is that name, A-1-4-4-C-B-2? How is he doing that? I've uploaded a video.

There's no auto... Yes, there is. No, there must be. Maybe it's... He's doing it from his phone, then. He's got a thousand. Guys, are you watching? You're watching this in my account?

That's the where my mom's at account? Don't watch in my account. Get me out of there immediately. No, no, no. Leave it on. No. Yeah. How many views did these have?

Not a lot. Just us? Three views, three views, one view, two views. He's got a thousand subscribers, though. Oh, yeah. Wow. In the last 24 hours, he has put up... Oh, shit.

Oh. All these one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, 10-minute videos within the last 24 hours. They're all him jerking off. That's the world today. It's content, content, content, baby. He gets it. Yeah, he gets it. Gary Vee would be proud.

All right. I gotta tell you that I am astounded that he's not satiated. Yeah. Tom, would you rather... Yeah. Watch your... Well, would you rather wear a diaper as an infant and you make browns in the diaper and you sit in your brown?

No. Or watch Robert Paul's champagne come on repeat? Watch Robert Paul's champagne come on repeat. For all day, every day? Sure. Really? Yeah. Then wear a diaper?

Makes me laugh. It's like a funny show. Oh, boy. Okay. I'd rather watch this than Friends. Same. If they air this... I would watch it over and over.

On a network, I would watch it too. You could see me on a plane. What are you watching? This guy in his Harlem den coming over and over. Yeah. I love him. I do. Yeah.

I miss him. He's great. He's the greatest. I don't want to wear a diaper. Oh, I do want to watch this one thing you keep telling me about. Dude. Yeah. Let me find this before we...

You're going to freaking die, bro. It's here and it's... What's it under? It's the folder inside the TikTok folder. Okay. Oh, okay. Bro, so 95 pigeons. Shout out, homie.

Thank you for sending this to me. You sent me this TikTok and I took a deep dive on this, dude, and Josh and I covered it a little bit without you. I missed that last week. You were here. You were traveling? Yeah. I just feel like you need to see this.

All right. Here we go. It's good for you. All right. Everybody needs to see this. You know, I do got to say I appreciate all the comments. You know, we all make mistakes. I thought I was Mr. Cool.

But having this on my face has been a destruction to my life. Mentally, emotionally. I can't have a decent life with this on my face. No. Drugs and alcohol kind of took me out there. Far beyond space can reach. And I'm trying to turn my life around and try to be the best of the best I can be. Whatever God makes me to be.

I'm His vessel. Oh, boy. It's about time I'm 35 years old. I need to do something good with my life. So this man, he clearly states he was on drugs and alcohol. He got the most insane facial tech. It's a full clown. It's juggalo.

So I was, someone tweeted me that, Christine, you stupid bitch. It's not just a clown. It's a juggalo. It's one of the juggalos. Right. It's a tattooed on his face. Including over the eyebrows with the tattooed eyebrow arches. He's got a little black dot at the tip of his nose.

He's got cheek paint. And then from the sides over his lips, a whole painted. Yeah. It's a thick, thick black ink too. I mean, what kind of drugs was he on? Well, Dr. Drew thinks meth. Meth. He goes, well, look at the teeth too.

It's meth. He's like, meth makes you insane. He found God though. He made reference to God. He did. It's kind of a bummer though, if you were like friends with a guy, you're like, ah, you're going to take it off. I always laugh when I see it.

How soon after he did this to his face do you think he regretted it? No while. Not right away. No? No. You know, like in the mirror the next day. No, because right away there's a lot of fanfare for it. What the fuck did you do?

And then you're like, ah, yeah, there's kind of like the mania of making the crazy decision, you know, and people are like, you're out of your mind. You're like, you're goddamn right. You don't know, you know, like that kind of shit. I didn't even think about it. For sure. You're right. Like there is probably a really high, high after he did it.

Like, dude, on the man, this is the best. Or imagine like the, when he got this and then he went to there. What's their juggalo thing? The gathering. Yeah. So he showed up with that and people were like, you're fucking crazy, dude. He's like, you're goddamn right. You know, so yeah, he probably rode that wave for a minute.

And then what happened was the, you know, the excitement dips. Right. And then people are like, hey, man, I don't think that Pizza Hut is really the place for you. And then then you start to go like, oh, shit. I can't even work in a warehouse. And they're like, bro. Okay.

Let's be real. Like think what could you do with facial of juggalo facial tattoos? I mean, you have to either own your own business or like somebody that is, that owns their own business that's friends with you or kind is like, yeah. I mean, you just can't deal with the public. No, fuck no. You keep them in the back. You stay in the back and you always stay in the back.

Even if we say there's an emergency out here, you stay back there. He can work as like an embalmer. Yeah, maybe. He can work in a tattoo shop clearly. Clearly. That's true. But like not tattooing, probably sweeping, you know. They're not going to let this guy work on somebody.

He's so fucked up. He's crazy. Now show Tom the video of him. I got it. Oh, you're going to die. I haven't seen it, but I haven't heard it. So I did a deep dive on tattoo removal. Okay.

And that takes just like so many sessions. I just have one thing I haven't seen it so let me see. A year, a year at least of your life. Oh, look at this poor man. There's music so we can't play it. So they're burning off layers of your skin and then the body digests the ink is what Drew is saying. So they have to do this layer by layer.

Look at his teeth. He has bad teeth. He's got bad teeth. You know how painful that's got to be on your, over your eyes and stuff. The tip of your nose. Oh, this one's coming off. Yeah. This one's coming off.

It's burning off. Yeah, but then the body will digest the ink and then it'll regrow again. I mean, look how dark it is too. Oh my God. Oh my God. This poor guy. Well, it's what looks like it's working though. Yeah.

Poor son of a bitch. Yeah, he really, could you imagine your baby doing this to them? Oh, I know. Fuck man. Yeah. He probably didn't have somebody who was like, oh, this is my baby. No. You know.

No, that's why. Yeah. Again, you know what I would do? Offer money to get it re-tattooed. Like right when he gets it off. He's like, I'm ready to take back my life. I'll be like, I'll give you 20 grand to get it back. And some free meth.

Yeah. You want to have some fun or you want to do this straight lace bullshit? He would take it too. He'd be like, what? You're like, no. How about another 20 grand? You're like, what? Can we do a Kickstarter for this guy?

Holy shit. Get the tattoos back on. Let's have Derek refuck up his life. Oh, shit. That's too much fun. That would be so funny. So fun. Bro, you could probably live a long time off of 40 grand.

How much can meth, how much is meth? It's not as expensive as cocaine. I don't know. I don't know how much meth is. Can you Google it? I'm trying to buy some meth. How much is it? How much is crystal?

It can't be that much. One hit of meth. Oh, 25 bucks. Oh, what? One hit? It can get as high as 80 per hit. That's expensive. Holy mackerel.

That's expensive. Well, yeah, you got to give him more than 40 grand then. Oh, shit. How much do I have to give him? I'm just trying to get him to tattoo this shit back on his face. How insane would that be? And he's like, I took me a lot to get here, man. And I'm like, all right, 50 grand, all right?

I'm going to keep fucking crying. That's so mean. I love it. I just got my life back again. All right. We're really excited that we now get to chat with one of the funniest people that does stand up today and one of the funniest people we've had sit here. And that is Jessica Curzon.

So she is coming right up for those of you that want to see us live. A quick update there. Oh, good idea, Gene. Yeah, Gene. Yeah, let's start them off. I'm doing a residency at Flappers Comedy Club in Sperm Bank every Thursday in the You Who Room.

Come see me there more or less every Thursday through December. Irvine Improv, the 17th of October, October 25th. Pasadena, two shows, the eight and 10 o'clock show tickets are almost gone. Get it now. November 14th, again, Burbank. November, Burbank. November 22nd, Seattle at the Neptune. Those tickets are almost gone.

November 23rd, Portland at the Aladdin Theater, almost gone. And then Burbank. And that's 2019. I'll announce 2020 dates very shortly. Gene. I have, let's see, I'm going to Europe and everything is sold out except for you can get tickets to the Paris show. There's a few tickets left.

They released some tickets in London. It's a big show there. And then the early show, well, the early show in Dublin has 40 tickets left. So those are the ones with tickets left. When I come back, I'm in Kingston, New York on November 6th. The late show in New York City at the Beacon Theater on November 7th has tickets. As does the late show in Ben Salem on the 8th. Then you can get tickets to Syracuse.

And if you want on that run leading up to the special taping, Charlotte is about to go. Lake Charles, Louisiana is about to go. After that, Austin is all sold out. Then Melbourne and Miami, Erie, Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania, the added show in Columbus. And you can get tickets to the shows in Windsor at the Caesars there. And then Honolulu in Hawaii. This is a big update for the new year.

Australia is all sold out except for 100 tickets left in Melbourne and a few tickets left in New Zealand. All the other shows in Australia are sold out in January of 2020. We're not adding. So if you got your tickets, you'll be at the show. That's that. And I'm announcing 2020 dates in a month or so. But very excited.

Thank you guys for your support in all those live shows. Really appreciate it. And now back to the show and Jessica Curson. Well, one of my best friends who's a comic grew up with Orthodox. So he wasn't allowed to be gay. So he tried gay conversion therapy and we lived together. So he wasn't allowed to jerk off and it was like six months. So he was a fucking asshole.

I hated him. So it's like, if I have to, I'm going to I'll jerk you off. If I have to to save our friendship, like you have a load in there. You are in rage. That is testosterone just pumping through. I mean, I get like that. He gets so grumpy and I know I have to milk him. Otherwise, the children are going to get smashed.

Milk him. Yep. Got to get. I would have done it. It had been years. I would have done it. That's a real friend. I know.

Thank you. I would have sucked him off too. He's that. He's that important to me. Really? I'm not even giving head because I'm an eater. So I like that. It's really true.

I like that feeling in the back of my throat. Like I like to choke on food. We have been talking about you for years. Really? Yes. We've been big fans for a long time. Yes. You have been.

I mean, I know she's always told me that, but that's a huge compliment that you have. Well, let me tell you what, because I was like, you got to see this girl, Jessica Curson, and then I showed him all your videos and your stand-up. It's me. I'm just taking responsibility for his liking you. Sorry. I turned on you. Okay.

Okay. We'll give her credit for being the original fan. I'm the original fan. But I'm also a fan. But he's a fan. Thank you. That's really sweet. You're a killer.

Before we even get any further, just to let people know, Jessica Curson, you have a new special. It'll be coming out in December. December 6th. Yeah, I think that's the date. December 6th. So I know that. On Comedy Central, produced by Bill Burr.

Is there a title for the special? Yeah, Talking to Myself. Talking to Myself. I know. Can I just gush over you two a little bit? Yeah. Jessica Curson, you guys, go see her now. She's going to blow the fuck up.

You are hands down like my favorite. You're tremendously funny. And you're one of those people you're going to be selling out theaters. Which you'll hate because they're so nice and pretty. I know it feels uncomfortable. It's really uncomfortable. But you are, you know what I love about you is you've got that old school mentality of like, I'm going to fucking go and kill it.

Like you try. Right, dude. I love comedians that try and write jokes and you've got this beautifully self deprecating thing going on too. If you haven't seen her, like you, you will turn around and then just like have your own internal monologue. Yeah. What do you say?

You're like, they didn't like that joke. Well, like I did it the improv last night and half the crowd, they literally think I'm having a nervous breakdown because I don't even address it. Right. I just have my back to the audience and I'm just like, it's okay. You chose this. No one forced you to do this. You're going to be okay.

That's why it's that funny. Yeah. Because half the people, like somebody not knowing that this is right and then I don't turn around and don't need to address it. That is that they left there and they're like, we saw that woman breaking down. Breaking down. And then I end it with something like, you know, you need to stop eating salads in public. You're not fooling anyone.

Everyone knows you go home and fuck your throat with a sleeve of Oreos. And I'll turn around. They'll be like, what? What did she do? I love that. I love you. Yeah. Yeah.

I love comics that go for it. Yeah, I do. I have to admit, I really commit and just give it all. I think you have to get you. You owe the audience that. Yes. You really do. I wrote on Twitter today.

I really feel like there's comics who are givers and takers, like you guys are complete givers on stage. It's why you're so funny, but you know, those comics who just take like it's all about them and they really know how they did after I'm like, I never laughed at one person like that. I just don't laugh at that. I agree. And I can turn on the specials and I'll see like the person doesn't care. Right.

I'm just going to sit here and get my feelings and I'm like, motherfucker, I know you're famous from like a TV series or whatever, but you, you are. You're cheating that audience because you're not fucking trying. They're not giving. They're not doing it to make people laugh. They're doing it to fill their own ego. I hate it. It's different.

It really is. Therapy. Yeah. Right. No, I get some feelings about it. I do. Cause I'm like, I feel like it's not fair. It's not fair.

Those people could pay to see you. They got babysitters. They rearranged their fucking lives for you and they're, and they're going through horrible situation. Yes. Give them a good night. No, no effort standup does bother me. Like when you can sense that there's not a lot of effort.

They're just writers. They're clever. Yeah. Clever. Clever doesn't work. I'd rather get, I'd rather cut myself than watch my own comments. I know. I don't want to think.

I don't want to think. I fucking hate it too. I remember being in writer's rooms on a couple, like gigs that I had where they were like, oh, like, do you still think you're going to do standup? And I was like, cause there was like 10 years ago and I was like, well, you know, this is just like a six week job. And they're like, this is what you should be doing though. This is a realistic, you know, realistic.

Yeah. Yeah. You're going to make it as a standup and I was like, I just would be like, well, in my mind I would go like, yeah, because that's what I feel like I'm supposed to be doing. And then they would all have their stories about when they did standup and how they don't do it anymore. Right. Right.

And I was like, oh yeah, but, you know, honestly, you're probably not good at it though, which is why. I know exactly what you're talking about. That's why you do this all the time. You're chicken shit. Yeah. You're fucking coward. Exactly.

And they want a comfortable job where they make a living, you know, I'd rather worry every week than I'm going to live or not. Exactly. I'll meet to the charge. I'm comfortable. Yeah. I have a nice warm glove. Yeah.

So true. I like it. Well, I don't want to eat this week. I don't know. Especially in those early years when he and I were starving together as feature acts, that was like, there was, I mean, I didn't sleep for a few years, man. How long have you guys, how long have you been together? 15 years.

Wow. That's so, I love it. 15 years. Yeah. I've been a mechanic for about seven of those years. Oh, wow. Yes. I mean, I remember when we would, you know, pay rent and then you'd have a feature gig

coming up, so you're getting a hundred a show, but then you realize, oh, it's not for two weeks. So you're like, fuck, I have two weeks of no, like no income. Yeah. And then when I do that feature week, I'll have to deduct the plane tickets. It's so horrible. It's terrible. But you know what?

Like, I wouldn't trade it. I know. It makes you, it makes you want it more and work your ass off. You have to suffer. I suffered horribly for it. I worked at a fucking hooligans. I had to wear beige pants and like a pin on my shirt. I went to, for a master's in social work and grew up in a wealthy, it's hard.

You grew up wealthy. Yeah. Well, not like, you know, Jewish, like the house, everything was beautiful, but it was a disaster inside. By the way, our resident Jew always fills us in on like what's going on. And we saw this, we get, we get sent a lot of clips. And so these Jewish kids, I'll just play the video for you. I want to see if your assessment lines up with hits.

Okay. It might be different. It might be different. But just so you know, the person who posted this video, I'll guide you through it as we play it. Okay. So here we go. Guys are all kidnapping you.

What's going on? Yeah. Not a kidnap, one hitch from you. I'll give you a hitch. I just need to get my stuff out. My car is right here. And you guys can take it. All right.

Okay. So I can take the car. Okay. And until I get my stuff out, you can take the car. Can't take it this second. Okay. So the guys, What the fuck just happened?

Right. So this guy's golfing and he, and he's done with his round of golf and he pulls up in the cart to his car where he's going to unload his bags now and load up his car. Yeah. As he's pulling up a swarm of Orthodox Jewish kids. They're Hasidic. Okay. They're sick in the head.

Okay. They're fucking sick in the head. There you go. He's like, they're not, they're not Jew it. They're not even, I'm not even, they, they would hate me. Yeah. So go on. So they just, they, they board his car and they're like, I want, give me your car.

Like, like, give, give me this. And he's like, hold up, hold up, hold up, because he's like, what's, he's, he's having your, he's like, what's going on? So does he give it to them? I'm taking. No. I'm taking my shit out. You guys aren't stealing my, stealing my stuff.

Yeah. I'll give you the key. Where is this? Yes. Thank you. I wear when I get my stuff out, man. You guys need to chill out for a second. Yeah.

This is all my stuff. So he's like, you know, he's kind of amused and also kind of a little, little freaked out is what it seems like. Yeah. He's like, all right. It's very strange and they're like, they have like pigtails. I mean, if you don't even know who these 10 girls are, how do they get the tendrils? So they curl it with a curling iron every morning.

Yeah. They're fucking sick. Is that right? They really are sick in the head. They're really sick in the head. Wait. Why do you say that? They're hot.

They're insane people. Yeah. Why do they suck so bad? What's going on? Because they're liars. Most of them are doing this and pretend like they're religious, but they do horrible things. I mean, they're fucking, they're stealing a go card.

Right. Like that's religious. Is that okay with God? I don't know. It's so, it's, they're really, they don't bathe a lot. They're just, it's a lot. So it's kind of, you're saying, it's almost like a front in a way to be like, Hey, we're super religious, but.

Of course. That's the setup. And then we can do all kinds of crazy shit. Right. Right. You're scumbag. That's what you're saying. And then they'll be like, well, I'm just, you know, it's okay because God forgives me

because I'm sinning, but no one's perfect and I'm trying to live the laws and they decide which ones they'll do, which ones they don't. It's, it makes me sick. So for, it's the equivalent of like the, the, hey y'all Southern Baptist lady who's like blister her heart. You can't say it. Like they're not the same. I was brought up.

I had a bat mitzvah, but that's it. Right. And my father took all the money for a cocaine habit. So I didn't even see a dollar. He really did. Yeah. These people are, you know, this is insane. They're supposed to be religious and they're, they're trying to take their shit bags like

crazy. Terrible. Guys are, guys are going crazy. Look at them. Look at this. Look at the color. I like their outfits. Look at them.

Where you guys, where you guys from? What are you guys doing here? This makes me want to eat a live pig alive in front of all of them. I want to eat a pig. I want to fuck it. I want it like this. Look at this. Look at this guy.

Look, look, look. Look at it. Look. Entitled fucking entitled. That makes me, that's why people hate Jews. This is, this is why I'm happy right now. He's so happy. Yeah.

You're like backing up. He's like, I told you, I told you. Well, anyone who's not, it like doesn't live like that, a Jewish person would say what I'm saying. It's embarrassing. They're not representative of the tribe. No. This is not, this is a whole nother level.

It's like you said, Baptist, this is, this is not, I don't even, I don't even know who they are. They don't even know why. It's crazy. Well, it's like when Hungarians, people know I'm Hungarian and they go, oh, you're a gypsy and I go, don't you fucking call me a dirty gypsy. It's like the lowest. It is not.

They think you're just like, oh, you're like a fortune teller. I'm like, no, no, those are not gypsies. Gypsies are scum fucks. They do the same kind of shit. They steal, they piss on the sidewalk, they squat, they, they'll throw babies at you so that you have to catch their baby and then they'll steal your fucking wallet. I know, I traveled around Europe and they do do that. And the horrible people are horrible.

They're imagination. In Spanish Yeah, gypsy assumption anddownstair. I love the way you just stuff out the ta know that you just got really committed to that. He's gonna have some ado, he got a double, he got a telling him and then the most opedic idea, Jessica, girl, some good. It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

I want them to hire me. Can we please watch the video that we were talking about earlier? Oh yeah, this is such a fucking homework. A few years ago. Hold on, do you want another drink? Yeah, I'm just, I collect, I hydrate a lot. I love machine points. You have a vending machine.

Well, here's what I do. I got the soda water because we had lunch, my burp a little bit. And this is from the last taping and then this is the new one and this is my camera. I'm laughing because I do the exact same thing. I always have so many drinks in front of me. Several issues because I'm worried I might get thirsty. Of course. I mean, you always have to have extra and more.

That's also, that's a Jewish thing. Is that right? Oh my God. Yeah, because we had everything taken away. That's true. So I hold on to everything I can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like multiple beverages too.

You do? Not today. I like it when, I like it when, when I order, when they go like, hey, so what do you want? And I'll sometimes order different beverages and they'll go, okay. Like they'll look at me like you're insane. Right. And I'll go, I like to have different options. Me too.

I order a coffee and a club soda or yeah. Well, even on the road, I like to order multiple entrees because you never are sure if one's going to be a hit because a lot of them are duds and that way you have many options. Of course. Now are you medicated? Is that true? Of course I'm medicated. Yeah.

What are you taking? Lexapro and Wilbutrain. Hey, me too. Lex for 10 milligrams. What do you have? 10. That's not a lot. No, just a little.

Take the edge off. Is that all you take? 10 milligrams. Is that not, that's not enough? I'm on fucking 30 milligrams of Lexapro. It's a lot. I can't even, I haven't felt my vagina and that's the problem. It's like I put a chicken patty there.

It's not even attached to me anymore. It's so sad. Oh my God. I tried to masturbate last night. Really? Yeah. I watched internet, you know, porn on my phone. It's so pathetic.

Like I went for a master's degree, but I'm on my phone in the hotel room. Do you have a specific like lane of the porn? Of course. Face fucking brutal because I have issues with my mother. So I like when a woman looks like she's going to die like there's something about that that makes me turned on. I love you so much. So I like when our head is hanging off of the bed and they're fucking her face.

I have four daughters. So I. So I have a lot of saliva. Maybe. No, I love the black tears. Oh my God. The makeup like. How do you feel about when they get sometimes they make them throw up?

I don't love throwing up. Yeah, I don't. But you like you like like or she might throw up. I like I like the fluid bubbles and the water that you know that and the sadness you like the emotion. Oh, I want her to look like she's choking a death. Yeah. I mean as much as she looks like she's going to die is more the more I turned on.

Dude, I'm the same way when they like when you are, I love I love when I see that she's broken. Me too. She doesn't have another option. This is 200 bucks. That's great for the day. And I love like that when when they look in the camera like I don't know what else to do.

And then they go right back. Yeah, I'm here to suck dick. I just have no other choice. Are you ready for my dick? You ready? Yeah, I guess. And it's just a stranger. It's a guy.

Oh yeah, just you don't even see him. I just want to see his dick. I don't even want to see him or anything. I don't care. We could jerk off together. If you ever did. I would. I'm not kidding.

I would totally watch that and do you get a whole group together? Let's do it. So much. And I like anal to mouth, anal to mouth, because it's so great. It's so dirty. It's horrible. What are you talking about? I like ass fucking and then the dick like this sucking the dick and then back in the

ass and then the guy who's like, yeah, you suck it now. Yeah, I just like I want to get sick. I want her to get like AIDS from blowing him from her own ass. I want it to be a horrible. And then I want to watch her funeral. That's when I really when I see her in the grave, I really all comes out. Yeah. Her words.

Yeah. Yeah. This is a beautiful day. Yeah. I know. I gotta tell you, I think this this dosage might have something to do with it. I would like you to switch to 30 because but the problem is medicated and I'm still saying this.

Yeah, I know. This is perfect. You can't be gawk. That's what she's saying. You can't finish the deal. I know because I didn't have a vibrator. I just use my I get carpal tunnel. So I had to stop at some point.

Yeah, just get a cool vibrator. I was also I had a really good set. So I was in too good of a mood. I felt really confused last night. I just felt too good and then I wanted to feel bad. It wasn't that interesting. I too self-flage late. Like if I was great at standing ovation, I'm like, I got to find something to get upset

about. That's so funny. I swear. I went back to the hotel and felt so uncomfortable. So I ate. I ate the furniture. I ate everything I could. I tried to masturbate.

I like really wanted to make things not OK. And it didn't. Did you how you told me that you went to that camp? I did for four years. But wait, how we'll get to I was molested in fat camp. What? Yeah. If anything's going to keep you fat, it's being molested in fat camp.

But I think I asked for it because my clothes were really tight. How old? How old were you when you went? The first time I was for 12. 12. Yeah. I was like 10 pounds over. Wait, right?

I was normal. But my parents are like, you need to go to fat camp and just really learn. You don't learn anything. You just get skinny. And then at the end of the year, you go back and you're like, hi, everyone, you're really thin. And then at the end of the school year, I was like, when fuck up? I need another guy there.

Would they give you shit as your game throughout the year as you're putting on? Of course. Like the summer can come soon and not, you know, yeah. But then it was great. We all went on our own bus. And then we used to play fun games like breathing, chafing, try to hide and seek. That was amazing. It was, I, I swear it was, it was the best time in my life, but it really made me fatter.

It just because of the neurosis on it, like the focus on, on the minuscule amount of weight. I told you the shit I had every morning at six in the morning is not a joke. I had to walk three miles with all hundreds of fat kids up and down hills and they were like really fat kids. Oh, we were like elephants grabbing onto each other's chunks, walking up nose and there's cattle. This is not a joke.

There's cattle in the mountains and I'm just walking next to cattle like just flies and smell of shit. And that's to start the day. That's at six in the morning and then you have to walk again later, but you know, you have to be moving. And then when you got weighed on Saturdays, you had to stand in a line up hills in front of, in back of all the other fat kids in your bathing suit to go into the mess hall, which was like a slaughterhouse and you had to get weighed in front of everyone.

It was crazy. I mean, isn't it funny that like we look now with all that we know, you know, about everyone's a little more informed on healthy, kind of, my behaviors and psychology. You hear that and you're like, this, that can't be a good thing to do to anybody weighing you in on Saturdays. But and everyone, I made, I met great people because they all hated themselves. Right. So everyone was really nice, funny, probably a lot of funny people.

I bet. Oh, yeah. A lot of funny people. Were you funny as well? Were you there? But is that, well, I mean, that sounds like someplace you could develop your sensibility. I was always silly and funny because that's how I dealt with my childhood was to just laugh at things.

Well, you hated your mommy. Is your mom still alive? Yeah. No, I don't. I hate my mom. She just was focused on helping other people. She was a, she's a therapist, so she wasn't around a lot. So she was out helping the world and we were like, you know, hello.

Yeah. So it was that kind of a thing. But now she did apologize and worked really hard on herself. So wow. That's huge. I know it's very big and rare, very rare, but she did a lot of therapy. She drives me nuts. I mean, I love her, but she does Reiki and tries to tap me and DMDR and oh, you know

that she does it without even asking me. She'll just put her hands over me. I'm like, you need to ask me. You're psychologically molesting me right now. Yeah. Literally. You're literally, you're doing therapy without asking. It's not okay.

Reiki infuriates me. I had it done once and they just, they don't even touch you. They put their, they have her. It's an energy and I'm like, what are you saying? And she's like, just trust me. I'm saying what I need to say. Oh boy. I know.

How's that your mom? And you're so not that. I just used it. When I was upset, she would hand me like bats and pillows and be like, just get out your anger towards me. Mom. Mom. Yeah.

Why did you do that to me? Yeah. Yeah. We just shove it inside myself and just hold me and tell me I'll be okay. Wait, can I ask you, do you recall what, like what the rest of an average day was like at camp? Yeah. Let's go through your schedule.

Like you do your three mile walk and then you have breakfast, which is heaven. And they have, but would they give you very, you know, land? Oh, it was totally, oh my God. Yeah. It was like an egg, you know, an apple slice. Of course. So they're like, they're just reducing everyone's calories by thousands. But we all smuggled in candy and shit.

We would do like drug deals with candy. I'd be like, I have three musketeers. Give me two Twizzlers. And you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, uh, but then we would ever, you just think about the next meal. Like you'd have to do activities, but you would just be dying for lunch. Jesus. Yeah. Was it, and was it just three meals a day? Was that like the way? And like, I think it was one snack, but it was a healthy snack. I know it's bad.

And then did you go to bed hungry? That's when I was molested. I was like, you know what? This is making it interesting. Yeah. He, he, uh, was a counselor, but I mean, I was a teenager, but I don't know why it's still not really bad to me that it happened. Well, no, you're underage.

How old are you? No, I get it, but it's not like traumatizing that that happened. There were, I don't know. I think I was like 14 or 15. Yeah. He was like 30 something. Oh, shit. I kept wanting to meet me at night and I would never show up.

A smart girl. Yeah. I love how sad you guys are right now. I know, but I just thought about the, I thought you were going to be like, he was 17, you know what I mean? Like, like a, like a teen also. No, he was 86. This is a grown man.

This is a fucking grown man. I'm going to check each other bond and fuck you. Okay. Now this is one of our favorite things that Jessica has done ever. I'll just tell you this. It is a makeup tutorial and we should just watch it. Just like, let's, let's just watch it because I think a lot of you watching could also learn something.

Okay. So just. Hi. This is Jessica Kersen. You know, I've always had an issue with makeup and I haven't really known how to apply it, how to use it, what to use, and I've always felt less than because of it. And from traveling for so long, I've picked up amazing secrets, certain things you can do to really accent certain areas and to treat your skin the way it should be treated.

Let me start with a concealer. This is just a regular concealer. You can use any kind gets the dark circles out. Use a cream base. Cream bases are the best. I'm literally talking out of my ass right now. It's very energizing. Any kind of basic honey is fine.

Make sure that you evenly just burst it. It really feels great. Ketchup is amazing for your skin. I learned this in India. You have a little ketchup on your fingers, move it together and put it on like a rouge. Does that not look amazing if you want to make it up more of a pink color? Put on mayo. See how it's more pink now?

And if you want to even make it like more of a peach color, just put on more. See? Isn't that great? It looks beautiful. I love using a blue purple color on my eyes. So I use great jelly. Oh my God. Not too much.

You have to mix it up. See? And I'm just going to delicately place it on my eyelids. Not too much. I like to look natural. I may have put a little too much. If you have a darker complexion instead of the purple or blue, you can use this. Chocolate syrup.

Oh my God. Delicious. You can smoke the skin color or even black. And what you're going to do is place a little bit of chocolate syrup on the eye so that you can blend it in. Not too much. Not too much. Okay.

There we go. I haven't seen this in years. And just dab it in. Just dab it in. See how nice that looks? I love this video. As you can see, the makeup I've put on is amazing. It's balanced.

It really accents my face. A lot of people love using sparkles. I love it. You know, that's the end thing now. The best thing to use is to leave it on. You know why I love it? Because that's how seriously a lot of women take their those dumb makeup tutorials out of you.

How so seriously? It's so serious. By the way, if you want to look it up, it's called Unlock Your Inner Beauty Makeup Pro Tips. It's the name of the video. And it's on her page. Is it? The Jesse K Show is the name of the page.

Oh, you're such a maniac. You got to watch the rest of it. Because I'm making fun of how really ridiculous women are. Of course. And in comedy, you have to look, to me, comedy isn't pretty. I agree. And I think the older, uglier, and fatter I get, better gets for me. You know what I mean?

In what way? Because when you're in your 20s, no one wants to fucking listen to you when you're now cute and hot. And then you have a couple kids, you get a little beat down, and they're like, all right, I'm gonna listen to this bitch now. You know? It's like she's not okay. Exactly.

But I think you're right. Phyllis Diller said that that's the biggest hindrance to any woman is to be attractive in comedy, I think. I mean, some of them get away with it because they show their vaginas and assholes on Instagram and they get tons of followers. But then when they go to the show, they're like, oh, here we go again. Women aren't funny. Right.

It just bothers me. It's so... Well, this thing is like... That's why you're wonderful. Thank you. That's why you're wonderful. Thank you. It's good for us, the ones who take it seriously, like really do it.

But some of the collateral effect of that is that because it's so popular, there's a lot of people who are like, I have fans. I know. I'll just do it. Yeah. And then they just show up and they... I know. ...select.

...podcasters and all kinds of people. And then they don't have the chops. Of course. But it just makes you stand out more. That's true. You'll see that. I think it does make all of us stand out more, that really work hard at it. Oh, yeah.

You've been doing this forever. 20 years this year. How long have you guys been doing it? You've been at it 20 years? Yeah. I started in 99. Noi, noi, noi. I started in O2.

Oh, wow. I think I started around the same time as you. Yeah. O2 was when I started. So I guess I'm coming up on 18 or so years. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a long time. It's a long time.

Yeah. A long time. And you eat shit for like a decade. Oh my God. You know. Yeah. Now, you are now, you're married, you have four kids. What was your game like when you were single?

Did you have game? I mean, I'm an animal. It's really hard for me to control myself. Would you make a beeline to a woman you're attracted to? Yeah. You would. Tell me what's your game. I'm like a guy.

I mean, it's good that I'm married because I really would be fucking 700 people. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And were you the aggressor? I don't like intimacy. I just want to, yeah. I just want the attention.

I want people to want me. So that's hard. Right. It's hard. Yeah. It is. It's better than I'm in a relationship or else I just get into these. That's healthy for you, for sure.

Right. And it's even like more like emotional things where I just have, I'll have like five people that I'm flirting with and then it gets, it's not good. It's really not. It's for attention. It's to be liked and wanted and. And I've heard in the lesbian world that they want to commit faster. There's that joke like you bring a U-hole.

I don't know. I heard about it. I mean, everyone I've ever been with that you move in right away. It's the craziest thing. Why is that? That's interesting. I guess it's because it's two women. It just gets so emotional.

Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. So the, my first, not my first partner, but the first person, first child I had was with my ex, Shari. And we, I was, this is amazing. I was flying on the street in New York City and she walked up to me. That's why I met her.

I was flying for a comedy show. And then we were together for like 12 years, had a kid, had a horrible breakup. And it wasn't legal then. You know, I didn't have rights. So it was, it's, that was a hard situation. And then I got remarried and we had, we have a three and a half year old and three month old twins. I know it's crazy, but I didn't have any of them because I didn't want to ruin this

temple. I wanted to just keep my body the way I've worked very hard. You are a gangster though. You made the other ladies carry them. That's fucking smart. I would have, you couldn't have paid me, it is a millions of dollars to have a fucking baby. For one second.

Wanted to carry a child. I don't even like kids. I feel like I have four. I really don't. I walk in and if I, anytime I saw kids, I would walk in the other room. I'm not a kid's, but I'm in love with my children. But I don't, I'm not a kid person. Yeah.

I love my kids. I mean, it's the best thing that ever happened to me, but I think you're besides getting molested. In fact, I want to, I think you're perfect to weigh in on this lesbians. She made a plea for how she wants to spit game and then you tell me what you think of what she said. Okay. Be right here.

You know why you don't fuck your friends? I'll tell you why. That's a woman. You find them hideous. That's why you don't fuck your friends. First of all, that's a man. When you lie to them and say, you're attractive, you should go out and find somebody. I found you.

Why don't you fuck me? What do you think? I'm very confused by what she just said. Yeah. Tom, can you explain? I'm being serious. I don't really understand. I think she's, she's making a plea to, it's either someone specific or a few people who

she's had the experience where she's attracted. I think she's attracted to people who are friends of hers. And she's saying like, you know, why don't you fuck me? Yeah. But that's what I'm talking about. It's like, I don't know why we devised sex from our friendly relationships with people. Look, you're two adults. You're not related by blood.

Fuck. See, I swear, you're going to think I'm saying this to be funny. Watching that makes me so sad that I'm not straight. Really? Yeah. It makes me want to, like, I just wish I could be with a man after watching that. Because you're... I just hate her.

Yeah. I just, I don't understand why you can't just fuck your friends, fuck me, and my wolf shirt. Look at her face. Look, that's in rage. She's... Yeah, a lot of anger. She's really upset.

It's not a turn on. It's not a turn on. She's desperate. It's a plea. She's ordering, she's a Nazi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck your friends, fuck me. Just, it's so... Look at her face. She's so aggressive. I'm tired of this society where people pretend to care about people. Like, you know, it's like these poor, like, people who are down syndrome, you know, like... What? Like, you know, they're put into this world and nobody's going to fuck them.

You might have people who are, like, high functioning. And yeah, these people will go, oh, I love these people, I take care of them every day. And I have a good friend who is, who's, he's high functioning, he has down syndrome. And I feel like saying, did you fuck them? Did you fuck them? Did you blow them? Yeah. The guy could probably really use the blow job.

I would eat a down syndrome man's ass faster than I would even kiss her cheek. I would eat his entire ass before I'd kiss her cheek. That's how, that's how unattractive she is to me. You fucking retard. Yeah, just, like, I would literally, I would put his helmet inside of me. I would do anything. I would, I would eat his ass. You mean to tell me you wouldn't date this lady?

I wouldn't even kiss her cheek. Wow. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't go, I'd beat the shit out of her. But what if she, but what if she wore a bra? She's super angry, right? It reads out. The angry is not hot to me. What about if she put a bra on to contain her swingers?

I think she should burn in a fire. That's what I, I just love to. Kristina has really put me on over the years to ill-fitting bras. It makes a huge, it makes all the difference. She's always like, look at this lady's fucking bra. Well, yeah. I mean, look at her, forget about her bra. Look at her hair.

Well, it's all, it's all fucked up. I could clean my whole house with that head. She needs your makeup. You know, like, I'm sick of straight women, you know, like straight women who, who claim they, they're trying to understand us poor lesbians. You want to understand me? You want to help me? You want to help me?

Any straight women out there? Lick my cunt. Lick it. Until I come in your mouth. Oh my God. Who the fuck is this? She's awesome, right? No, but who, this is amazing.

This is, you're just going to die. This is Tom's sister. No, it's not. I wish it was. No, just kidding. That's the funniest thing. I really believed you for a second. What if it was?

I'd still say this. I'd be like, I fucking hate her. We're trying to set her up with you. He'd hate her. No, she's, she's a terrible person. Lick my cunt. Did she just say lick my cunt? My cunt.

My cunt. And lesbians don't really say lick my cunt. Look at that face. Look at that victim shouting. Look straight women, you know, look straight women who, who claim it. You want to help me? Any straight women out there? Lick my cunt.

Lick it. Wow. Lick it. Come in your mouth. Come in your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Her personality makes her ugly.

Personality. She's a fucking killer. She's a psycho, yeah. She looks like, I just watched that series. That face, that face could make me shoot up and die. Like that could make me go to a horrible. Look at that face. I watched Piers Morgan interview three serial killers over the weekend and they had a similar

look in their eyes. Lick my cunt. Lick taste it. You want to be a helpful straight women, open up a nice little lesbian sexual clinic. You can go in there and dress up in a nurse's outfit. Nurse's outfit. Nurse's outfit. You want me to know how honey?

Time to get your smiley face and then you whip your kiss out and you rub them on my fucking nose. Rub them on my face. Look at, she's so horny, dude. Yeah. She's so keyed up. Nurse's. Oh my, I'm a nurse's clinic.

Fuck, fuck, quit. You know, she's the one in the family who they're all like, you know, fucking Karen's putting up this. And we need to do like a wellness. Karen. Yeah. She's definitely a Karen. Can you imagine if she's a therapist?

Oh my God. Oh my God. And like you see, you see your shrink. You're like, what the fuck? She's putting this shit up. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time and your father's dying, but eat my cunt. Yeah. So.

Sounds like you're having a hard time. Nibble on my clit. It's so, so, so aggressive. Oh, it is. So aggressive. So aggressive. Look at her shirt. I know.

I just noticed that. It's like a. It's bad. A fairy. It's a fucking slot machine in Atlantic City. It's like a picture. Oh, it's bad. You know, we were, we were playing one earlier that it's a new house, but we're obsessed

with it. So this guy. I need a nap. I'm so. Me too. Jeez. This guy recorded himself approaching what it appears to be just a secure area with like a fenced off security guard.

God. We just, we have, we literally just saw it for the first time like 45 minutes ago. And I don't know. I want to show it to you now because. Okay. I just want you to see. Before you go on. What is this place?

Yeah. Who is that woman? Oh, just some. Just some random. And you wonder why I can't relate to most lesbian. I mean, this is. Yeah. I mean, she's also an outlier.

You know, she's a. She's a cool girl. She's created. She's a nurse. She's got a good web presence. Lick my cunt. All right. Lick my flat top hair.

Yeah. She's just an awesome lady that we found. Yeah. If she had her shit together, we would have never played it. Oh, I know. Can you imagine? Yeah. We all need to get along.

Just accept each other. We're like, this isn't any good. Give us a crazy person. This guy is. What's his story? So all we know. You don't want to know. Yeah.

This guy is recording himself approaching some official secure area where there's a security guard, there's a fence, and it appears to be he's actually going to start by just asking a pretty standard question. And then it just takes a turn. No, like immediately. Okay. So anyways, what is this place? You don't need to film me.

Oh, I'm going to go to documentary. I don't care. I don't want to be filmed. This is America. You dumb son of a bitch, okay? You dumb son of a bitch. I'm a real private person, and I don't want to be filmed. I'm a fucking American.

You stupid fuck. I can ask you anything I want. I can tell you no anytime I want. You're getting a fucking baby raper on your face, okay? You want a baby raper? You're the one who looks like a baby raper. Baby raper. Would you escape from jail?

What's up there, Chomo? Listen here. What are you guys, how do you get a job here? Your fuck face. Well, not by talking like that. Oh, you know what? You're fired, bud. No.

You're fired. This is so confusing. It's so confusing. And it just gets more confusing. I'm a fucking American, you'll fuck. You don't touch my camera through the fence, you faggot. I'm going to talk to the sheriff's department about you, buddy, okay? Go get them.

Go get them. You're fired. I didn't realize you had the power to fire. You're fired, Nika. You didn't follow me. Yeah, I'm allergic to milk. You know what protocol is? Yeah.

I take cops badges all the time doing it. You know who you're talking to? A retired double agent there. You fucking retard. You know this familiar. Isn't that true? Yeah. The guy with the camera looks familiar to me.

Well, he owns Zanies. You don't know that? He's the owner of the Rectal Hut in Milwaukee. Yeah. Okay. You're acting the insane asylum, buddy. You just lost your life, okay? As far as your job goes.

Is that all you got? No, I told you to teach you job. You threatened my fucking life? Job, bitch. That's not what you said, asshole. Well, we're changing the job because you're taking it out of context. You're taking it out of context. You're taking it out of context.

You're taking it out of context. You're taking it out of context. You're taking it out of context. Your job, because you're taking it out of context there. What's your name, anyways? See these wires? You just got your job there, buddy. It's Baby Raper on your face clothes, okay?

Ta-ta there, retard. Ta-ta. Proto, buddy. You're done. Your face clothes. I didn't notice face clothes. There's so much more in this clip. So, face clothes?

Your face clothes. Who wears face clothes? Your Baby Raper on your face? You fucking retard. Fucking retard. Faggot. How about... Look at this wire, faggot.

Well, I don't like... I drive a Honda. Well, I drive a Toyota. Faggot. Faggot. Ta-ta there, retard. Ta-ta. Is that my father?

Ta-ta there, retard. That's my favorite thing. That's the next shirt. It's ta-ta there, retard. I don't think so. No? No. The next shirt.

Yeah. We make a lot of shirts on this show. Are you kidding me? You mean to tell me, come in four strokes on your come beard shirt, sell... Ta-ta there. Ta-ta there, retard. That's a huge seller. All right, I'm just going to love that.

I think Suu is way better. Suu was a blood reference. Ta-ta there, retard. And you should do the retard in crayons. Like all the letters should be in crayons. Yeah. Why don't you work on that? Oh, man.

Ta-ta there, retard. Hey, wait, are you saying we shouldn't do Suu? Please, God. I want all of your viewers to be safe, and I just... Don't do this to them, please. I want all your viewers to be safe. Pull it up. Get it ready.

Can you pull it up so I can show Jessica? Suu? So what happened was we played... You know what TikTok is? The social media? Yeah. So there's a whole lane. No, you don't.

It is absolute madness. You're going to be a star. It's so good. It has all kinds of crazy shit. So we played this clip once, just like in a rotation of like, here's all these crazy TikToks, right? Yeah. And I'll play it for you and then explain to you what's happening.

Okay. So it's this clip right here. This public announcement goes out to all you bitch-ass niggas that motherfucking claim that I'm a false blood bitch, call me out and see if I'm a raw fucking false blood. You niggas don't work, no wreck. Suu bitch-ass niggas. Okay, so ever since we played that clip, like we go to our shows

and everyone's like, Suu, because that's what this guy, like all the shows, all of us. Yeah. It's happening to her. Me, it's happening to Josh Potter who worked. Like everyone is just Suu, Suu. But what happened is that's a battle cry for bloods, like the actual game.

Oh. So people are saying it like is a fun thing. Like white people like Suu. Yes. Yes, exactly. So I was saying we should do shirts with say Suu and then Annie's like you do not want to do that. You should do bandanas.

Oh yeah. Red bandanas. Red bandanas. Good idea. Suu, your mom's house. I'd rather be with this guy than that lesbian. That's how bad it was. I agree.

I would too. Fuck your pussy so hard or Suu. Oh, you bitch. You don't want to wreck Suu, bitch. This propaganda goes out to all. It sounds like he's saying Baba Ganache. Yes, I thought so. That's what I thought at first.

I was like this Baba Ganache gonna go after all my fame. You got Baba Ganache. Who wants a Baba Ganache? This Baba Ganache. This Baba Ganache gonna go after all the fame. Fuck your ass, Suu. Baba Ganache and Hummus and Sasiki. You want some Sasiki?

With a side of Suu? You want some Sasiki with a side of Suu? Tata, they're retarded. Tata. Tata, they're retarded. Suu. Baba Ganache. Peter.

I can't wait for your special. December 6th, comedy season. I can. Alright, come on. Oh no, please not this guy. So you said you do lesbian cruises. What's that like? I don't do them any more a lot.

Yeah. But it's just a lot of crying and... That must be a good place to smash, right? For a girl to go get her cunt licked would be on a gay cruise? I'm going on a lesbian cruise to get my cunt licked. Now, every time I do a show for those people, I get someone comes up to me. I was very offended when you talked about your relationship and I felt like you were demeaning. And I'm like, can you shut the fuck up?

Can you seriously just shut up? It's the worst. I don't care what anyone's background is, where they're from. When you have... My favorite one is dangerous opinions. To voicing some dangerous opinions on stage. And it's like, you shouldn't come to shit like this. Yeah, ta-ta retard.

That's what I say. Like when someone's like, I feel... I did a show the other day and this girl's like, I feel triggered. Like I just feel really triggered. I'm like, ta-ta retard! What the fuck are you talking about, Baba Ghanoush? You feel triggered? You don't want no jokes.

You don't want no jokes, Suwoo? Suwoo, man. So a girl said she was triggered the other day at a bar show in New York. At a bar show. Yeah, she goes, I'm feeling triggered and I go, okay, well now I'm triggered. Yeah. Because you're triggered. I'm like, so you're fucking triggering me because you're another woman trying to silence me.

So now we're both triggered. And I'm like, and by the way, you're 20 and rich and white from Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And I'm like, wait till you have children. You're gonna be triggered from the second you get up in the morning to this fucking second you go to bed. Like talk about triggered and upset and worried and... All day. That's all it is, parenthood, right? Yeah.

It's so fucking accurate. The problem with the triggered argument, I understand people get their feelings hurt. It's nice to expand our consciousness and be sensitive to other people and such. But there's an infinite regress in triggers. You know what I'm saying? I know, I agree with you. That's the danger of this whole triggered nonsense is that we did my feelings and my feelings are hurt. And then pretty soon you have a whole room full of hands going up.

Right. And she can get my fucking feelings hurt. Right. I mean, it's like... Lick my cunt triggers. You guys, my trigger is licking my cunt, right Tom? I just feel, I really feel like some people just should stay away from that. If you're the type of person who can't hear...

You're right. Like a thaw or something that... But you should stay away from there. Really? What am I supposed to talk about? Unicorns? Why is it crazy to stay there? You're right, I say it all the time.

I go like, go bowling. Yeah. You don't have to go to a comedy show. Go bowling. Go do something else. You're going to like a monologue room. And you're like, I hope it's a monologue I like. Like it's crazy of you to do that.

I know. But I also do a ton of shows for Jewish people and they're very... They voice their opinion all the time too. Really? Yeah, I don't like that joke. It's not funny. Really? Don't tell that joke.

It's not a good one. It's insane. I didn't ask you what you think, Ruth. Yeah. Because you do like that old school cat skill run. Don't you do that shit? Well, I do. Like I'm doing a JCC in Houston next week.

I do them... How do... Wait. She does these old-timey shows. Oh, I do. I do. They literally... They come up to you after and they always have a comment about your comedy.

Uh-huh. Like the only old Jewish people. And it's always nice and ends up nasty. Right. I'm doing a bit, but really they'll be like, I thought you were very talented, but no one around me laughed once. Not one person even smiled. Some people left.

Everyone looked miserable. Yeah. I like when people like that will also... They'll ask you if you know someone. They're like, do you know Herb Youngman? Are you kidding me? And they're like, who's that? And they're like...

Herb Youngman is an amazing Jewish name. Right? And you're like, who's that? And they're like, he was in Omaha, but he moved out here. And you're like, wait, are you talking about a famous person? They're like, no. It's just some guy. How the fuck would I know that guy?

Yeah. Yeah. Do you know Rudy Eisenstein? Uh-huh. She was... Well, is she in the entertainment? Now she was... She didn't work, but her husband did.

And they're from Newark, New Jersey, and they had a bakery. Yeah. And they had wonderful regular. And they retired in Pensacola. Is that the Germans? Yeah. I know them. Unreal, man.

Wait, where'd you get your sperm from for your kids? Tom. Right here. Right fucking here. Did you choose... How do you use it? Fuck my gun! Did you just pick a male comic?

And you're like... No, I'll just pick my comic. Can you imagine? Fucking... That letter? Bruce Valanche is the father of my children. Oh, that would be great! Yeah, they're both going to have a bob and be fat.

And really... No, a bob. We went to... Like a bank. We have donors. And then you look for a book. Yeah, a really good one. And we chose...

And they have my characteristics. Isn't that crazy? So they're like... What? Yeah. So we picked someone both times who were like dark hair, dark eyes, Jewish, Eastern European. What? Yeah.

It's really cool. And you can hear interviews and see pictures even now. They're both gorgeous. I mean, my kids are really attractive. Thank God. Thank God. So much harder if they're not. Are yours?

Yeah. I got to see your kids. You know what? It's gorgeous. I do. I have to see them. I think it's mixing this gene pool up. Yeah.

Well, the two of you are beautiful. I'm serious. You probably have beautiful kids. They're gorgeous. We got lucky. I'm 100% Hungarian. And he's got that Latin flavors and American flavors. It looks really good.

The kids look really cute. They must be. They're so funny. They're cute. They're very cute. Yeah, dude. Is it a boy and a girl? No.

Two boys. Oh, you're so lucky. I couldn't have a girl. Yeah, I know. I don't like a lot of feelings. I get it. Totally. It's a lot easier.

Yeah. I'm always overcompensating with them. Me too. All the time. Yeah. I just want to be so available, but it's insane. Yeah. I go overboard too.

And Danielle, my wife, is the opposite. So she's a therapist and my mother's a therapist. I know you can't make this shit up. Yes. But Danielle is like, get over it. Like Irish-Italian deals with teens. Like a therapist with teens. So she's like, shut up and get over it.

Wow. And my mom is more like old school. You talk about the same thing 500 times. Right. But like, if Isabella falls, my three and a half year old, I think she needs to go to like a plastic surgeon and get a new leg. Like, it's crazy how I react.

And Danielle's like, you're fine. Get up. You know, are you guys different that way? Or are you both? What do you think? Do you both get really nervous and anxious? I get anxious not over the physical stuff, because we have boys.

And it's a given that they're just animals that way. They do. They jump off of shit. Oh. Like, jumps like five feet off of something. Holy shit, man. Oh, yeah. But he can.

He's good. Yeah, no. They're both cannonballs. They can do that shit. I get more anxious over the emotional stuff. Yeah. Discipline them too. The tone is too harsh.

What if he internalizes that as shame? Uh-oh. If he tears, if he cries, I'm like, what are you, a fucking chick? Right? You know what I mean? Yeah. A word, a background.

Shut up, faggot. Yeah. Yeah. Shame him when he cries. Right. That is in the left icon. You should shame them when they cry, because that's not a turn on to women.

Yeah. Make them feel really bad for having feelings. Well, yeah. I'm working on that. I do overcompensate for that. I worry all the time about that. Like, oh. Because I, you know, I've had to work so hard

to be somewhat normal, right? I know. And I'm like, I hope that crazy doesn't leak in there. Yeah. But. Well, they can always be medicated, like every other child. That's true.

Yeah. Just throw them on some pills. That's true. Do they have big dicks? Actually. Yeah. Not bad. Not bad.

Really? Yeah. Have you ever been asked that by anyone? I have never asked parents that about their children. No, but we just ran into somebody who was like, oh my God, my two-year-old is hung like a fucking horse. That's right. And she showed us a picture and no lie,

this baby's dick was enormous. Yeah. It was really big. Well, that's a problem. That's not even, like, how big? It was laughable. It was crazy big. It was a real hang on that thing.

And she was like, I feel proud, but I feel weird. Like, I want to show people, but I'm embarrassed. Yeah. And I was like, you can send it to me. I'll keep fucking, I'll keep writing back. This is amazing. Yeah. Baby dicks.

Does it have, did the boy have big balls too? No. Because I was like, does he have some crazy pair of nuts on him? And no. It's just like standard. It just got some nice angle. Maybe it's another leg. It could be.

Like a fourth effect or something. Yeah. I feel like really big dongs on men are usually accompanied by pretty big balls too, you know? I think so. I don't know. You would know more than I do. I'm trying to think about the balls. I think I would know the most.

I'm trying to remember. I think balls, honestly, I've seen the biggest balls I remember was on a guy that had a short, fat one. So I'm not sure that the length really necessarily. But it might have taken away from the length of the dick if the balls were so big. Right. Maybe it wasn't even that short. Right.

It's like a little ball. Exactly. It's like a tractor. You guys are really blowing my mind. The wheels are huge and the part of the tractor looks very small. Exactly. But if you get up close, you're like, that's a decent size in both of those. You're like four people can fit in that fucking tractor.

I don't know. Balls are pretty. It's the hang that I recall the most. Oh, like long hang. Or are they high and tight? I like high and tight. A guy can go between real hangy and high and tight on the same date. I know because of weather.

Weather. Really? Yeah, yeah, because your body will regulate the temperature, right? And if your temperature is rising, your body doesn't want to kill sperm. So it drops them on purpose, right? To cool them down. If it's cold, brings them back up. It's also about like how much backup there is in there.

Like your friend, you're going to jerk off to be a nice friend. He might be real backed up. You never know. Oh, yeah. That would have been like a tidal wave. So wait, did he finally just release himself? Like what did he do? Yeah, he stopped going to that class.

How old was he when that was happening? 40. What? Yeah. He's like, I'm trying to not be gay. Yes, because his parents are, they're Orthodox and they live in Israel and they've fucked, you know, they've made him think it's not okay. 40.

So he's alone. Yeah, he's never been in love. It's horrible. It's horrible. Yeah, it's terrible. Tell him I'll come over and just try to help him out. Just to be a nice guy. Can I ask you a disgusting question?

After what I've said, are you kidding me? I feel like I can ask you my lesbian questions if I may. Sure. No, that doesn't offend me. Okay. Okay. Because you're curious. Yeah.

Like when you guys are in your periods, no, no, no. Okay. Do you guys, what happens when you, I'm assuming you both have your period at the same time? Do you cycle together? Or is it just too horrible? We actually share tampons. So once I use it, I just stick it into her because we're trying to save money. We normally, now we are on the same cycle.

It's interesting you said that. Okay. And because she just got her period again. Oh, wait. I love that I'm talking about her period. I love it. And it's not easy when you're both hormonal at the same time. Right.

Yeah. And some women will not like have sex with their period even with another woman and some could care less. Interesting. But you're talking about going down on each other. We could care less. It's like a law and order scene. So you go down.

Yeah. Just go for it. Yeah. I mean, I have, I've gone down on women who've had their period. Yeah. You mean like you're an adult, you're born up? Yeah. Yeah.

The, the, the taste doesn't bother you? Well, I don't, I, if I'm on the, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't go down low like that. So it has to be plugged up. Oh. And then I'll just go in the ass. She's, she's kind of an expert is what she said.

Yeah. Like it. And then I'll go in the asshole because that one's not dirty. She's totally serious. I am serious. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. So you just put a tampon in and then you can, oh yeah, that makes sense. Duh. I never thought of it that way. Yeah. Forgot about that. I mean, not everyone's open to anal, but it's. Sure.

It doesn't hurt that much if you go slow. You can actually make it a project and like get a calendar and be like, no, last Friday we did the tip, you know, and just keep measuring it. Yeah. Kind of brings people together. I feel like anal really brings people closer together. I'm with you. I'm afraid of butt stuff.

Yeah. I'm trying to get this one on. Never did it? No. Never done anal. I've had a finger in my butt. I don't really like it. Do you want to watch him do it to me and then you'll feel more comfortable?

I'm in. Want to watch? Yeah. Sure. Sure. Sure. I would do it. Yeah.

I mean, if it got you going. Yeah. Yeah. It's really getting me going. If you were like, all right, now I'm in. Well, I don't like it done to me. Yeah. But I've been with women who really like it a lot, even more so than vaginal.

Isn't that crazy? Yes. I feel like Jessica and I would be a good couple actually. I do too. Jessica's the best. I do. Yeah. And so it hurts me to say this to you.

Ta ta, they're returning. It hurts me to say this. I'm with Jessica now. Wow. You have six children now. Wait. Do you have another stupid lesbian question? It's not stupid.

I understand. So I think every woman that has children with a man secretly is like, I would love to be a lesbian when children come in because like, it's like having two mommies. I mean, there's nothing better, right? Yeah. Do you guys, I mean, I guess you have nothing to compare it to, but I imagine it's kind of awesome because you're both intuitively good caregivers, maybe better caregivers. What do you say?

I don't know. I know so many men now that are really good caregivers. 100% like my husband really is. I know. He's fantastic. But I just imagine like, I'm like, why wouldn't it be great? Well, I'm very maternal emotionally and like with love and affection, but I'm not maternal when it comes to like caretaking.

I can barely take care of myself. So that doesn't come natural to me. Like change diaper. I mean, I do it, but it's not a natural thing. So it really depends. I know. Like two of my stepbrothers were stay-at-home dads. Oh, that's nice.

And they were the ones who really took care of the kids. Yeah. Yeah. So it's different now, I feel like. Are you non-binary? What the fuck does that mean? Do you know? Are you Jew would flender or gender fluid?

Oh my God, are you Jew? Are you Jewish? Are you Jewish? Are you Jewish? Are you fluid Jewishly? Are you gender fluid, meaning that your gender varies? You can move in and out? No.

Or do you identify as a female? I identify as a goat of joking. I am not, no, I'm, well, I guess, but I don't name it. Like I've always felt male and female, but not to the point where I would name it something or ever. You feel like putting it out there as, like you, to society or people you meet, you always identify as a female.

As a woman. But I mean, I have male qualities. Of course. But I think that's normal. I think we're all on a, I think so too. As a man, you have inherently female traits as well. Right. If you're caregiving.

You do. I'm serious. If you're a man and you're, like, paternal, like, caregiving, that's a, that's a, that's a female. Right. But I, I know I've always been, see myself as a woman, but I feel male in my brain and vagina. Mm-hmm.

Right. Because you're like sexually aggressive. Right. Right. I agree. Your marriage is good for you. It takes, takes that, that. It keeps you centered.

I mean. Yes. I feel bad for male comics that are on the road and single and older, and they're just so alone, and they just fuck all, I mean, I talk to them all the time about it, and it's like, it's not fun anymore. It's boring. They want a wife.

They want a partner. No, they want that. Of course. I know a lot of them. You know what's going to end up like that is Josh Potter, who is in there. He's a comic. Really?

Yeah, he can't come with women. Why can't he come? It's like a, my theory is it's an intimacy thing. I think so. Yeah. Trauma or something. You know what I mean? He's like, oh, I can't come.

Like no, no women can make him come during sex. He's gay. Well, we thought that. We thought that. And we wanted that to be the case. But maybe he has cancer. It could be like a physical. Oh, that would be the best news.

Oh, that's interesting. That would be the best news. That would be the greatest scenario. Does he have sores? I mean, is there any other physical? Please tell me he's dying. Wait, but that's an interesting point. It could be physical.

We should probably have him looked at. Absolutely. He could be physical. All right. What does he think about when he's, can you hear me? Yeah, he's right there. Josh, let's have Jessica. Josh.

It'd be interesting to have a... Because I went for a master's in social work. So I'm very... Oh. Yeah. What do you think about when you're having sex with a woman? Like what do you think trying to think about? I just think about are they okay, you know?

Do you feel like you mean that in the sense that like are they okay? Are they cool with this? Yeah, like is this as good as... If you're wondering if you're teasing them. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, exactly. And you're comparing yourself to other men that they're okay. Yeah, meaning I don't know them or anything.

I don't know the other men. But I'm like this is... I gotta be the best one. Do you think the intimacy theory carries some weight because... Yeah, 100%. I mean like... Because like I said, I... To connect with somebody on a deeper level and then have sex, it might...

I think so. But I don't see that happening. I... Wait, why is that not possible? I don't know. I don't have enough bandwidth to get on an intimacy level. Really? Sounds terrible.

Yeah, you're gonna go therapy. So you wanna be alone? I like being alone. I want them to go tell their friends that like, you know that guy? I mean, he doesn't look like much, but holy shit. Who was... Was your... Was your seriously mother or father incredibly verbally abusive?

I mean very... That could very well be... Yeah. Seriously. Yeah, yeah. Because there's a self-image thing going on. That can affect everything. Well, that's...

Whether or not that's from my mother or father, there is 1 million percent the self-image issue going on, so... Right. Because if you could get out of his head and literally like just into being present and into your... Yes. ...the situation you would be... Because you're not present.

That's what that says. Like, that's why I feel about stand-up. It's the only time I'm really present is when I'm performing. Yes. I'm really present. But if you're worrying about them and how you're doing... And I think that's actually really common. I really do.

Totally. They say one in eight. One in eight gentlemen have the same thing as me as I'm learning more. Would you be open though to like sessions? Like therapy, whatever? Yeah. I feel like that's an odyssey in itself. I mean, so...

But what if it's wildly beneficial though? I suppose, yeah. I suppose. What do you do? Go your whole life? Not being able to come with a partner? It's sad. It is sad.

But so far it's been handy. No pun intended. Yeah. Exactly. Oh, by the way, his favorite porn. I can out you, right? Yeah. His lesbian porn.

That's his favorite thing. It's unusual for... I do too. Because I think as a guy, you want to see the guy involved. I even want to see the guy involved. Yeah, Dix replied. That's the whole thing. This guy also doesn't like the come shot in porn.

What? Yeah. And he doesn't like pee on his hands too. He's not going to be honest, and this is a crazy question, but were you ever touched in a program? I was not. I wish it was that simple. Do you know what I mean?

I wish I could just be like, yeah, my grandpa touched me. You might not remember because you were like one. That would be cool too. I mean, how do you find out then? Just ask your parents if you always had a rash. Is that true? No. I'm just thinking about my kids.

When was the last time you were able to get off from being with a woman? I've done it twice, and they were both one night stands. Really? Yeah. Maybe that's because there's no pressure. Right, there's no connection. No, but he's having one night stand. I'm trying to have as many of those as I can to find them.

And he's not finishing. Exactly. So that's why... He has more one night stands that don't end exactly. Exactly. That was a good one. Thanks. Yeah.

But I want him to come. It's one of my life goals, you know? I know because it's upsetting. It's very upsetting. It is. Yeah. I like him. He's a good guy.

But it is a thing he can't let go in the moment because he's worried about his performance and if she's having a good time. So if that's what you're thinking about, you're not in your own body and you're not... Right. You're not present. You're definitely not present. I'm definitely not present, yeah. And lesbian porn, it's funny that you're into that because it is not what you're seeing.

That's not real lesbian sex. Oh, I know. Yeah. I just like whatever they're doing. It's women with like long nails giving each other hysterectomies. Yeah. Yeah. It's...

Yeah, like... It's just not... And then Josh is... Yeah. Oh, I hate my mother. I know. Fuck my stuff. Yeah.

I love it. All right. Ta ta, they're retarded. All right. I love how politically incorrect this is. It's amazing. Oh, it's the best, isn't it? It's a safe space.

You have to do that. Yeah. Safe space to just be like, say whatever. I know. I feel like that's why people really like our show is because it's like nobody's malicious, nobody's hateful. We're just like talking the way people do behind closed doors. Yeah.

But we're stupid enough to do it. You're doing it publicly. Broadcasting. We're just... Yeah. So just a reminder to everybody, what it looks like is December 6th, Jessica Curse on Comedy Central talking to myself. Whatever that Friday is.

Talking to myself. Talking to myself, yeah. Talking to myself. And I have a podcast called Relatively Sane. Relatively Sane. And I'll tell you this. I've said it for very few people, but 100% worth buying a ticket to you will laugh your ass off.

Go see her live. Get him now. Just gonna blow the fuck up. Yep. Thank you so much for coming today. Thanks guys. It was a lot of fun. I love being with you.

You're the best. Thank you. Love you so much. 02:15:47,680 --> 02:15:48,680 Bye. 02:16:17,680 --> 02:16:19,680 Bye.