Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 523-Nikki Glaser-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 30, 2019

Today on Your Mom's House Podcast, although Tom will join later in the show for our guest Nikki Glaser, YMH Studios' own Ryan Sickler joins the Water Champ Christina for the first half of the show! We have an update from Tom on SooWoo the SooWoo shirts, and Sickle Cell gets jumped in to SooWoo nation. Will he survive? WE IS BLOOD! Next, we got Nikki joining Studio Jeans with Tom and Christina! Nikki Glaser is a stand-up comedian and broadcaster who has a Netflix special called "Bangin'" out right now. She can also be heard on her Sirius XM show called "You Up." Nikki gets right into with toy talk. She gets a run through of a lot of cool guys, and she doesn't hate it. Have you seen "Cool Guy Hypnosis?" We also get some tips about the DM game from Nikki and hear about her opinion on "older guys."

My G My G My G That's my G That's my Queen Bobby and Trish I'm a sexual person That's my G

I ain't tight In glass and no knife You the water champion in bed No saying no, I'm talking behind That's my G That's my G That's my G That's my G

Coming back from the road I been getting these checks Don these big words, they don't want no wreck Done, I'm put some respect on my neck I'm trying to put 40K on my neck I'm trying to take you up into a jet In houses, girl, we can just rent Even if all I had was some machitos

You helped me know all these easy stress Even if we don't got time Girl, we make time If they heard it through the grapevine I would tell them that's my G That's my Queen Bobby and Trish I'm a sexual person

That's my G I ain't tight In glass and no knife You the water champion in bed No saying no, I'm talking behind That's my G That's my G That's my G

That's my G That's my G That's my G That's my G Screaming you out for the bottle Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop Four strokes Bop, bop, bop, bop

Tata holds I don't need you no more Oh, that's my G That's my G That's my G That's my G That's my G That's my G

That's my G That's my G Oh my gosh Who was that? That was Dubri Music Dubri Music Look from on Instagram and SoundCloud and all that Dude, that legit was an amazing song

It was melodic Yeah, it was everything Thank you so much I don't even know what that is I'm a big fan of those symbols And as you see, that song actually made me very sad Because to my right My Jean is in Europa right now

He was in Budapest He did Berlin and as we speak He's in Amsterdam So much, but thankfully We have here sitting on the couch Ryan Sickler Host of The Honeydew Sat in

And you came under great duress California is on fire I did drive through fire to get here Jesus, man Through the limit to you Don't even play I love that album Shaka Khan

Man, that was The whole album was good I came here on some Shaka Khan vibes today Shaka Khan, baby Let me rock your Shaka Khan Let me rock your Shaka Khan I have a feel for you Okay, anyway, thank you for coming

Listen, man We have a lot to get to Nikki Glazer will be coming in shortly But she will be coming in That's a lie, we reported this earlier We're tacking this on, it's a lot guys It's not going on But let's give you guys a little update

You may have noticed The Suu shirt is No longer up in our store I noticed Well, here's Tom With a little video from Europe To let us know why that is Hey guys, I'm in

London, April And that's the lounge Food commercial And anyways Quick update, I wanted to give you About the Suu shirts We took them down We refunded everybody who purchased them

One of the big reasons Was that I got a lot of calls from a lot of people Including LAPD's gang unit Yeah, really Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Don't burn me in the fucking stand

Welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura Tom Segura Christina Pujitsa Christina Pujitsa Welcome to your mom's house Yeah

Oh my god Yeah, Ryan Yeah So we have a great legacy At your mom's house Of doing it our way Let's say it that way We take creative risks

We put ourselves out there We've been blacklisted By major corporations McDonald's That is a major one You know, because we go for the jokes We're not playing it safe We're not SJWs here

And yeah, I'll let my husband Explain exactly What happened In London April And at the lounge Food commercial And anyways

Quick update I wanted to give you About the zoom shirts We took them down We refunded everybody who purchased them One of the big reasons was that I got a lot of calls from a lot of people Including LAPD's gang unit

And Order me to take them down They can't, they made that clear But they also said that it was Potentially dangerous For those of you who were To wear them In certain neighborhoods

I think they were thinking more about Certain West Coast neighborhoods And I don't want you guys To die or anything So we took the shirts down But we'll always have Siwu in our hearts Yeah

So there you go We got a call from LAPD gang unit Apparently the guy listens To our show We have a lot of fans in law enforcement And Yeah We just decided to take their advice

On this one, I mean are you familiar With the whole Siwu The battle cry Yeah the death rattle Yeah I know I know exactly what it is He was walking out on stage He was coming out to it as his entrance

Just walking out going Siwu I was like I'm waiting here to You know Thank God he's in Europe right now Well it did start to, it has picked up A momentum of its own I mean much like our classics like Hey Hitler

That's another favorite of our audience Yeah Coming for strokes All these things really catch fire With our crowd Siwu I'm just thankful it's I think we're going to take it down

Yeah this is one you want to put the fire out You know but again we take risks on the show We do things people don't You do 100% But there's no reason to put these other people out there That like your risks at risk 100% No we're here for the people

Guys Yeah that's We like I said Sorry guys we swing in comedy We take swings, we swing for the fences Sometimes we miss Yeah We have an update on

The last week we played a clip About the white Siwu girl And her gang of Tata their friends And Did you happen to see this trick To die right I know nobody don't want to hear this shit But the thing's about to go down on

Bond Street we need all the bloods All the criss whatever Whatever it is We need What's going on Good she's in it That's it I mean we have more but you know

Well I want to keep it going I just feel like we just got started I mean she's calling all of us I gotta know where to go And that's 13 18th Street We need everybody To help us because I got taken last night my fucking brain hurts

Because I got jumped And my brother last night got jumped too And I told him To take me back to my husband right here They didn't do it they brought me back Wrong since the clock in the fucking morning What's in her mouth What is in her mouth

Is it a piercing I'm not sure what it is Is it a tic-tac Is that a safety pin What the fuck is that I do feel like they're very That's very 90s isn't it Hasn't everybody with the tongue ring taken them out I would hope so

Did you have one? Never Those guys that had them I get the girls that have them But the guys that have them clicking it And shit all the time flicking it I'm gonna get that fucking thing out of here Yeah it's so gross It is like oh I'm good at oral Isn't that what that meant

Like I don't I mean I never thought of it like that I think it was I think it was to signify like I love to eat pussy I eat good pussy is what the fucking Tongue piercing That's what the word was amongst women That was the Soo Woo battle cry of the tongue

Is what you're saying I had no idea 100% So the tongue piercings the Soo Woo Got it Look at this brat What is this bitch talking about Let's get into her

Where did he come from That's fucking scary He came in like he had lines You know like he was like Action and Greg came in hey Where did he come from This is Josh If anybody knows Cam

Tell him his bitch ass has got something coming for him Cause I'm not gonna motherfucking Fuck with his damn bullshit If anybody knows Cam You better send him a message tell him that Josh said he's got something coming for him And he's got something waiting on him So tell him to bring his bitch ass on him

Motherfucking money still in bitch He's got something coming for him And he's got something waiting for him It's interesting If it's this fucking trio right here I'll be scared to god damn death To be honest with you I'm like Cam!

Cam you better get ready These three motherfuckers are coming For your ass Look at that still right there I'm like let me get him his money Let me just get Josh's money real quick Sorry Josh This is Josh

I love when people assume That you know who they are It's so narcissistic Like this is Josh We know Josh Of the bloods The famous west coast bloods Josh Like he's anybody of any significance

In the world It's just bizarre What? Uh oh So all I can say And if anybody out there that want to help us Jump these motherfuckers Let's get this shit crack

And y'all better come up on Jacksonville Yup burn some guns Bring some knives all of this shit Jeez She can use to grow some balls Put them all in the damn mouth And she go sit there and say me and my man ain't no blood Bitch we is blood

See these are the people we were afraid of Offending you with the shirts I was gonna say that I'm pretty sure There's a warehouse full of unused shirts You could send to this group of people right here You should just donate them freely To the fucking bloods You should do a give back

You guys are on the team You know what's driving me nuts I can't tell if he's wearing one of those Thin cowboy vest Or if he's got a backpack on It's driving me nuts You know what I'm talking about that thin cowboy I think it's a backpack

I don't think this guy's in a cowboy culture Judging by his sense of utility That it's a backpack I feel like he's a useful guy You know what it's a good call Very handy He's a husband He's a husband

And we are blood day all night long Because you know what I was fucked in He was jumped in bitch So get the fuck right My brain is hurting So Nadav you said that you had clips Or footage of explaining what getting fucked

In means Because we were really perplexed by this This term of getting fucked I mean I know being jumped in I know that I grew up around A lot of cholas In the San Fernando Valley

The first girl I ever smoked cigarettes with Was a chola named Chula True story And Chula listened to oldies And she's like you like oldies I like Morrissey and the cure Anyway She would tell me about getting jumped in

And how her friends had been jumped in They beat you up basically So getting fucked in This is from somebody who writes in It means It means That wasn't me stuttering That was me reading the text verbatim

I'm gonna read it again It means That usually after all the homies run a train On the girl She is considered part of the gang Unfortunately That title or membership Only goes so far

Majority of the time it is an opportunity For everybody to get a chance to have sex with a girl And often the promise of being a member Of the gang without having to take The usual beat down is appealing To most hood rats Okay, they never are respected at the same level As the other male members

And they do not enjoy the same benefits In fact, the women That choose That choose to join in this manner Are usually used and abused even more afterwards And lose respect Rather than gain respect When a woman is willing to offer up everything

There is not much left that appeals to the man If the girl is willing To give it up to all the homies Then she is basically worthless Because she has nothing left to offer of value I mean, look Isn't this A true society?

I feel like this is what a hoe is This is the bitch you wife and this is the bitch you You know what I'm saying? That took a surprisingly positive turn The message at the starting off I was like, oh my god I see what you're saying Right, it's like, I don't know if you've seen

The Joker Well, like any good film Are reading like Lolita By Nabokov, like at some point You understand the mind Of a psychopath or the mind of a Pedophile and then eventually you're rooting for them To do evil things, like it's kind of like that

We're like, I get that, alright Yeah, she's a fucking hoe But they're like, look, if you're gonna fuck everybody Then you're worthless to us Right Until the next one comes in And then you're just, you know, a throw around Because this girl who didn't have sex with anybody

It's out there beating up people And shooting people or whatever they're asking her to do They have more respect for her than you Ay vey What a world You ever been in a gang? No, I mean, growing up I felt like I was beat into one

But other than that He was jumping me in I was jumped into my family Who beat you up, your brothers? Mom, my mom My brothers, yeah, everybody My brother and I, because I have a twin We are the exact same age, obviously

Four minutes apart, but I had built in You know I could test myself with someone My age, my size Until he started getting taller But we would go at it I mean, there were nights where we would just go at it What do you, I guess, is that normal?

Do parents, are they supposed to break that up? Well, if they're around Yeah, we didn't have any I can say this, the hardest I've ever Been punched in the face is by my brother Oh my gosh That's saying a good thing about him Because I've been in a lot of fights

But the hardest, he just didn't give a shit I was like, oh man Jesus, and did you ever get one in on him? Oh, yeah, yeah I'd do dirty shit, too And then just pull his fucking cheek out Until he'd let go, and I mean, I had that shit out You could have put a fist in there

Yeah Boys are so different, I'm really learning this Yeah, yeah, you have to I'm really, like in the last week alone I've been puked on, pissed on Drop kicked I, just this is a playing Like, even kids aren't evil, they're just boys

They've drawn everything They're just savages Our house is just destroyed I don't know how many, because you have These pictures of shit in your toilet And crayons on the wall My daughter's never done any of that None of that

I always remembered watching Kids in a restaurant, and it was always The boys climbing over the boots And running up and down, and the girls Would sit there in color, or do whatever The little activity was on the table And just be mild mannered And boys are just your right savages

Fucking crazy people, they're slime on everything But, but So you're saying that they're going to beat this They're going to beat the shit out of each other eventually What are they, two and a half years apart Shit, let's hope they don't get into gangs Stuff I can't even, I don't even want to joke

About I don't even want to joke about This stuff anymore It's so brutal I remember when I mean I remember when we lived In ms13 We lived in between ms13 and 18th street

Back in the rampart And at the time I was driving A Volkswagen Jetta, a blue one And I had murdered out the windows Thinking that that would keep me safer And And I'm talking murdered out Like limousine black

And I'm this little blonde girl And I go rolling through our neighborhood And I would see the vatos coming down On the stoop, like what's up homie I would really calm down Like what do you want little girl And they didn't know And I would roll down the windows

Just to be like it's just me Like I'm just a little white girl Like I live in the Oh hey mommy So they saw the tent And thought that's a sign of aggression That someone's getting rolled up on them And I'm, oh man

I was really scary, we hear gunshots every night Well that's what I wanted to say Yeah, John Goodman in the bathroom as you do He's still there, yeah And you had told me just a night before Or two nights before about some gunshot You had heard like right out back and stuff We hear gunshots every night

And for some reason There was a lot of roosters too Neighborhoods had roosters I had friends in Eagle Rock And a lot of people had the roosters over there too And I don't know what that is either It is bizarre Anyway, do we have any more on the Sioux stuff?

Nope, that's the update Yeah, let's leave it at that No more shirts Leave it at that What's the internet forum on girls joining? Oh that was what you just read Oh that's what I read, so that's it That sucks that they get no love

I think it's one of those things where they think That they get promised that like Oh yeah, you'll be a member of the gang Once we all fuck you You know what I'm saying, that's not show business too That's how everything is for us girls I'm telling you, if you want to be in a male dominated Anything

You gotta get sucked in No, that is the exact opposite It's the, you actually You cannot, like in comedy You cannot chuckle fuck You know who I fucked? One One and done, I never even fucking I never even held hands with another male

Comic, because I knew That's what happens, they pass you around And then all the guys, they don't take you seriously I'm pregnant You gotta start your own girl thing You can do your own fucking thing, away from the boys She's pregnant too, that bitch in that clip Did you know that? No, how did you know that?

She says it later Like is that your intuition? No, no, no, she got pregnant She was pregnant too So fucking crazy Anyways We have some YMH Halloween costumes That's right, Hologenes is coming up this week

We were submitted One girl sent us a picture Of her as Tom and I, which was really sweet What you got, oh Oh my god, that was really good That was really good That's for Matthew Oh my god, that's really

Accurate I think he dyed his beard Are you serious? I think he put gray in it Hilarious, it looks a little sprayed on So this is when Tom was doing DJ Dadmouth When he was promoting Oh my god, promoting shows on these Morning radio things

Talk shows, which are just so horrible And phony, and so outdated now Who is watching that being like These are my people And this era of real It's like, anyway, the fantastic Thank you for submitting Christina, are you going to be dressing up as anything?

Oh yeah, I'm going to spend all my time Putting on Halloween garb in between Are you a Halloween person? I am, I'll tell you what, I love, I don't dress up Because I don't have the fucking time I do, my house has been decorated for Halloween Since September, I just posted a video today On the gram, if you want to see it, of my

I have a credenza, and I put up a Halloween Display, I do it for all the holidays I'll be having my Christmas lights up at the end of November To, I just find that I mean, you had a bad childhood, you discussed this on the Honeydew, oh, this is good Yeah, because you can now dress up as Tom and Christina for Halloween

We're not saying that anymore We have a different Let's think of a different saying right now To rally people around Can we do Tata there, TikTok Is that the YMH battle game? Let's do a different one, let's Is there another one, guys? Can we think of something?

Meow meow, jam jam I don't know Farfalla pasta Tata, Farfalla pasta Tata there, TikTok, everybody, chant that Yeah, that's a good, yeah, let's stick with that Okay, Tata there, TikTok For the rest of the year, that's the YMH battle

Yeah, let's do that, okay, let's wrap it up So this is what you can be for Halloween, Tom And Christina, hilarious, did I just refer to myself In third person, such a douchebag But that's the name of the costume, it's okay to say that Correct, it's not, it's, yeah I wouldn't think like Donnie and Marie, I don't think Marie Would say Donnie and me

Right, but it's so narcissistic, it's so gross Are you gonna dress up? Yeah, I like Halloween, I dress up I just went to a Halloween party the other night With Stella and her mom and I was Bob Ross And I took a paint brush And I didn't talk to anybody I painted everything

For like an hour and a half I just would touch people's faces and stuff And they were like, you know you can't buy a Bob Ross painting By the way, I didn't know that somebody said that And I was like, you can't tonight I kept out of everything That is brilliant, what a great idea It was fun, Bob Ross

Yeah I'm gonna plug some dates Let's do flappers in the Yuhu Room Every Thursday, I'm doing a residency there Through December, if you want to come see me there And then, Seattle and Portland Almost completely sold out November 22nd and 23rd

I'm not adding second shows And then in 2020, announcing dates I'm doing Houston improv, January 30th Through February 1st, March 13th through 14th Miami improv March 26th through 28th The Addison improv in Dallas

April 3rd through 4th Titties, Caroline's Comedy Club April 24th through 25th Des Mois, Iowa, Des Moines At the Funny Bone, and then June 12th through 13th In Phoenix, Arizona At Stand Up Live Ticket links at Christina P. Online

Let's do Tommy Buns' If we may, and then do you have any dates to plug As he's pulling this up? Yeah, actually, I'll be at Comedy Works Denver, South at the landmark November 21st through the 23rd So come on out, Denver I love Comedy Works

Just the best By the 30th, he'll be in Perry, Gay Perry at the Apollo Halloween night London, UK Apollo, Hammersmith And then 11-2, Salford UK

11-3, Dublin And Ireland And then 11-6, Kingston, New York Not Kingston, Jamaica At the Ulster Performing Arts Center 11-7, Judork Titties 11-7, Judork Titties 11-8, Ben Salem, Ben Salem

11-9, Buffalo Then Syracuse, Charlotte Pensacola, Florida Lake Charles Where is that? Louisiana Austin 11-16, Austin Austin, Melbourne

11-29, 11-30th Miami 12-5, Erie, Pennsylvania 12-6, Columbus, Ohio What? And that's it I mean, Jesus Christ, I'm like I can't believe my husband's working so much I love you, Tommy Salami, thank you for giving

my children and me a great life I appreciate it Every time I read his dates I have like a profound sense of How much I thank I'm so thankful that he's Sold out, sold out I'm just watching how hard he works

He just got sick too Tommy Salami, you're the best You do your Denver dates And when we come back, thank you so much For sitting, I know you came under great duress Come on We're so happy to have you as a member of Studio Jeans, your Honeydew podcast

If you haven't listened to Ryan, you gotta Check this show out, what I love about Your show is that you guys get so real And honest on, how do you say it Highlighting the lowlights? Yeah, highlighting the lowlights I just love it, you're doing Such a fantastic job I love being here, this is great, this has been awesome

Alright, well thank you guys And when we come back, Nikki Glaser Is going to be on and she's going to give us The low down on the, I think On the roast and all kinds of great stuff She also has a special out on Netflix So, okay, thank you Jeans See you next time, bye mommies

Our next guest is a comedian Beautiful woman with a sense Of humor Is there anything better? You've seen her on television And in specials, and she's got multiple specials Coming up, and she's on the new roast Of Alec Baldwin, she's always got a million

Things going on, it's always great to have you back Nikki Glaser, thank you very much Hi guys, you're back! It's so nice to be here In these studios, we love you Is it great to get out of our house? Well, I love your house, it reminds me Of what I aspire to Achieve one day, whenever

You go to that compound, I'm always like Hardly, it's so nice You get a lot going on there You have the life I want I want to be married to a comedian Really? I think it's great personally Somebody who speaks your language

It's nice, it's very convenient Yeah, I would love it You've dated comics? Yeah, I'm into it I've dated all of them though All the ones that I wanted to That's true Who was the most disappointing?

Man, I've been disappointed By every single dude Really? They're really disappointing All of them Every guy I've dated And I've dated a lot in non-comics recently too But every guy that I get excited about

I wait to get excited I try not to I've just gotten my hopes up So many times before That I don't get them up Unless I really feel like it's going to happen About getting a boyfriend Like having a guy be like

They freak out And they stop talking to me They freak out They slow ghost And what do you think is going on? My theory is that They like me too much And it scares them

And they think they'll have to marry me If they date me Especially if they're like In their thirties And they're getting To the age of settling down Then it becomes a real fear I think it's like these men are scared of intimacy

As am I, so I choose men that are incapable of it Because I really am scared of it too So I can blame it on them Instead of myself It's a great system that I have going But I subconsciously do it Because I'll be like I'm ready for something And I choose people that are very unavailable

And I also get to a place With men where I feel like I change them for the better I teach them about themselves Because I do so much work on myself The men I choose really do none You know what I'm talking about So you're a rehabber

You get them, they're kind of fucked up You want to fix them I don't want to fix them I want them to fix themselves And I try to help them find those tools Because I don't think I can fix anyone I accept them for who they are But I want people to be happy

You know I just get them started On the path of thinking about that Like I'll ask them questions I could be a therapist, I truly believe that I get things out of people that I just They don't even plan on telling me a lot of times And I got to stop that with men I got to stop psychoanalyzing men

I have to just let them be and let them find Help their own way But I think that I get men to open up emotionally They'll cry to me about something They'll share something that they've never told anyone And then the next morning I think they kind of Think about it and they're like Oh no she knows that thing

I got to get away That's what one guy said was the reason Was that he revealed too much I'd seen a vulnerable side of him That he was like she can never I don't want anyone to ever see that And so that's why it ghosted her Wow

But that also seems legit, it's believable I can see it being true But it's also if you want to really analyze Then it's ultimately kind of immature But if you're somebody who you're really going to connect To be intimate with, you show that vulnerability And then it actually brings you closer And you go further with it

That's what intimacy is And then you can finally come And then you can come Josh Potter can't come with Another person, he's only ever Had it twice And we've deduced now that It's an emotional issue

It's not physical, it's intimacy He doesn't truly want to be vulnerable But he also He emotionally Is doing these one night stands With very attract Women he's attracted to But then he checks out

And then he's not connected Well I had this thing with a guy A similar thing Josh where he would He never wanted to come We would be having sex, we would be doing stuff I would fake a couple Throw a few at you I'd toss him a few

And then And I mean I'm the same way Like for me to come with someone Like it's going to look weirder Than the one that I'm faking I might fart or shit I don't know what's going to happen If I really let myself go

Oh no, what will I look like Sounds, it's funky It's really hard for me To do that with someone And so I relate to that And so When there was this one guy That just never wanted to come

Ever and it would be really frustrating for me And he would be about to Come and then And just be like please stop touching Please stop, later And it would always be later and then later would never happen And then I talked to my therapist At the time about it and she said that

Men have this thing where if they come For a woman they feel like they then Oath them, they need to stick around It's like now we're locked into this thing And then, and that was always like Okay, maybe that's a thing But then I'm reading this Book right now called Cupid's

Poison Arrow that a bunch of bitches Have recommended to me Having changed their life What's it about? I just read the first chapter but here's the basis of it I believe is that as humans When we orgasm It is

Done, done here Don't even need to do anything else with this person When rats When they were giving an example of rats When rats They inject all the female rats With the hormone that makes them down to fuck And then they put them in a cage

With a male and the men will Common them And then Get tired and pass out in the corner And the women are still like come on Let's do it and the guys are like no thank you Put in a new female rat Right after the male rat said no thank you to the one he just fucked

He's down So it's all about novelty It is not about actual drive It's novel, novel, novel And so what this book I think is getting at Is that most sex should not End in orgasm if you want a prolonged Intimate relationship

Where you don't feel like you want to hit the road So it's not I think it's tying into all this like It's tantric But this guy, the guy Who you were talking about You're saying that part of his If you're married with kids

You don't have no time for tantric anything dude Wait the guy You guys are fine this is about like pump and dump The guy that didn't want to come You're saying that maybe biologically He was not doing it In order to prolong The experience with you

That night but like in the longer Terms You know what Tom? This guy I dated him Twice before Or once before and then this time again And both times same kind of Thing that was happening where he was like Didn't want to and then finally he did

And right after he did Holding, literally holding And I didn't sleep with this guy until he was my boyfriend Both times because I knew I was like You're gonna bang me and not Wanna be around me anymore I just can Sense it so you gotta be my boyfriend Before we have sex we can do everything else but like

Sex I'm not letting your penis in my vagina Until you're my boyfriend and in everything else There's no orgasm from him right? Yeah I don't think so So yeah and then We had sex he's my boyfriend Finally like I like it was a

I gave up a lot to go be his girlfriend And I was like this is my new life And I don't blame him cause he can't help How he feels but right after he came He's holding me And I'm like how are you feeling cause we're like You know we had already been through this four years before Where he just lost

All interest in me after he had sex with me I didn't know it was about the orgasm at the time And even at this time He's holding me and he's just like I'm freaking out and I feel like I owe you And I feel like I need it And I go you don't owe me anything Meanwhile I'm like yeah you're my boyfriend now

And you kind of owe me something like that's the deal And so and then it went to Just not calling me as much And like after that that was the last First and last time we had both times We were together One or two times And then we broke up

You're dating him for a while before you For a while yeah for like weeks of like You know long distance courtship Let me ask you cause I'm just curious about this Like when the whole notion of Like what does the person feel like They owe you Like they owe you something like physical reciprocation

Or they owe you I got a commitment I owe you commitment I'm gonna disappoint you in some way And I've dealt with women In the past that Their mothers Were very disappointed in them

And needed a lot from them Dude this is intense you always have intense dating stories I know and it's not And I don't even have that many good ones Like I was coming in here today being like What do I have to talk about I am so closed off from any kind of hook up situation Cause I've just been hurt so many times

Whereas like For a while I haven't been sleeping with men Like no Right so that was my rule I was sleeping with my ex-boyfriend for like two years But I was like we're not getting back together I can safely do that But I realized I wasn't really open to anyone else

As long as he was like in my vagina Off and on And so I put a stop to that Opened myself up to other people Which has been really good And then I thought I could like blow someone And not get attached cause it's not my vagina And

Well I think blowjobs even more intimate Than some guy just Busted nuts in your vag They're fucking your face dude That's my face It's my face I'm tasting you And you're gonna be I'm gonna taste you

And you're gonna be in me Yeah you smell their nuts and everything It's right there It just hurts It hurts my feelings so much when someone Even if I don't want to be with them And they rejected me after I sucked your penis I didn't want to do that

I was doing that to be nice What's the advice then Let's say you blow someone And the person Doesn't want to be with you But wants to be polite Should they just express they want to be with you No here's the thing

They drop off entirely afterwards And that is rude And I understand why they do it If you're gonna cough leave the room Sorry Oh yeah So I feel like guys

Freak out the next day after they hook up With the girl there's all this build up And they get you to a place Where you're comfortable enough and you think this is a nice guy You suck as dick And the next day he doesn't He's not watching your instagram story He's not liking your stuff

He's just like disappeared like it's You feel it you feel it on social media When they're not texting you And they do it because they're like I don't want to be her boyfriend and I don't want to lead her on So they're doing it it's like the patrice thing Like we cheat on you for you It's like they do this mean thing to protect you

What you need to do Is just be more honest about the fact that Hey I don't want a girlfriend right now But I had a great time and you're great It just communicates before or after sex I mean a lot of times they don't know before If they freak out But it's very difficult

It is Because you feel crazy Then you start to go I'm making an assumption I don't feel confident enough to voice The assumption it feels more comfortable to let The assumption sit inside And then slowly

Pull back The assumption that she likes me So you as the guy you might think That and you go like maybe she likes Me now but you know what Maybe I'm Crazy thinking that she wants to be Like maybe she just did that thing and

She's the one who just wanted a sexual fling So you start If you're playing guessing games in your own head You're usually not confident enough to voice them You know So what ends up feeling safer Is like kind of the more childish thing to do Which is to be like I'll text less

You know what I mean I've done it before too If I were a guy I'd be like I'm just gonna Yeah of course You know what happens Yeah He's like I live by this code Which just hurts too much

You know what Hooking up I don't get off generally From like these random hookups because I just I'm not comfortable enough I feel insecure telling a guy what I really want Needed and I've used too many vibrators That if you don't have one it's like I really need one

I need the assist and it's not any fault of your own It's just What am I getting out of this then What's the point of me sucking your dick I did blow this guy because I just felt like I needed to practice Oh man I put in so much Work with this guy

I hung out with this guy all day I hung out with this guy whole day Because I wanted to hook up and I thought he was into me and I thought maybe We would date Hope you didn't ignore the balls No I did a good job I think I did a really great job

Because I'm not confident in my blow jobs I think I did a good job But this guy I had shows He came to I think I had one show that night but then I spent all day with him Afterwards We hang out so late and I'm like

Just let's go to your hotel room So we finally get to his hotel room At one in the morning I have a 3am pickup For a 5am flight And I gotta go back to my hotel after this So I'm like let's get this going Hotel room And there's been no sexy vibe

Between us since And we've already hooked up months before this So I'm like you know what's gonna happen here He takes off his clothes Down to his boxers gets in bed I'm literally standing there with my purse And I go okay I guess I'm getting in bed I do not take off my clothes

I just get in bed because I'm like okay I feel so ridiculous At this point I'm furious And I don't even like him anymore I'm laying in bed next to him For 40 minutes Talking And I'm like are you gonna make a move

I can't say it because he needs I'm doing this new thing of like guys need to make every move With me I'm not moving an inch It's enough that I show up and that I'm gonna be feminine I'm gonna be open to receiving But I can't Come after you anymore

I want to be pursued it turns me on Can I tell you about the book you should be reading Dump this fucking tantric nonsense This is bullshit There is a great book out there Listen to all those women listening It's a stupid book it is called Getting to I do

Why men love bitches It sounds stupid but And the title is crass But the point is what you just said Old school baby keep it OS OS for life Let the man pursue The woman god damn it

It's just biology and you're fucking things up When the woman is pursuing the man It is not how it goes I'm as feminist as they come I'm a feminist but that's the dynamic The power has to be that way Otherwise you're fucking with nature Well it's fucked Christina

Because we are so empowered as women now With the women's movement to get what you want I can have anything I'm an empowered American woman My career has been me being like I see that I want that I ask for it and get it It doesn't work for men

I've done it for men I like you let's kiss And it doesn't work So I'm in this guy's bed waiting And he's talking about I don't even know what I'm giving all the I'm leaning towards him trying to get him to touch me At one point I just go

I would really like if you touched me That's what I had to say This is a guy I've blown before And hooked up with before And beta cuck Who is this guy This is not a straight guy Dealing with

I don't know that you're wrong But he finally You think that's a good idea and I go What are you talking about And then he goes He says something about me too And I'm like are you joking me right now I was so angry

I hated him in this moment I don't even want to hook up with this person anymore It's hard to get to this moment I gotta get something out of this I gotta get a story He finally starts kissing me It's going well and I'm like You haven't been hooking up and you've given it

So much thought and you're like God if I could only kiss him And I've masturbated to the idea of it And then it's happening and you're like This is it It almost happens every time My last make out I was like Nikki don't do that again

I really was able to be present And I had a good time But most of the time I'm just like this is it So me and this guy are making out I'm pissed at him I already have a bunch of stuff from our past This is all trudging up of me being like Fuck this guy

He gets to fucking make out with me And then He is like We're not going to do anything else I was wanting him to maybe go down on me But then again I was like I'm also like Unless you want to go down on me

I'm not going to make you So he kind of was like Will you go down on me and I was like I need the practice I think he took his dick out And then I played with it a little bit I don't know how to give a hand job Nobody does

And so I was like Women Some women What is going on in the booth I don't want to give hand jobs Because you guys do them best yourself So why am I even going to pot I'm going to disappoint you

What's the rub on the Go ahead I mean No one's going to do it better than me Of course There's definitely good ones I got to get better at them Because it's all I got now

To get a guy off because I can't suck your dick I'll like you So I have to just jerk off Because I got to Don't give out BJs That night I wasn't confident in my hand job And I was like I need to get this guy off

So I can go home So yeah You could master it I know how to do it for you Because we've been together You got to learn what this particular guy likes It's more aggressive Than you think

I always feel like dicks are so gentle And delicate but they're not Because I think you just grow up as a girl Like you don't know anything about penis You just guys get hit in the nuts And they're like Totally You just think that if anything touches it

It will cause them so I'm very gentle And now I realize like no But our vagines are very I mean mine is very gentle You like to get fracked Are you on antidepressants But I still need it hard Because I think I've ruined myself

With what's it called The vibrators So what can you lay off Can you abstain from it The vibrator for a while I don't even have the desire for it So then don't do it for a while And let the feeling come back

And then you know it sounds like you're over Yeah maybe you're overstimulating yourself I'm not dude I have not I masturbate like once every three weeks Wow It's really disappointing What's going on are you depressed Maybe

Do you think you would like erotic hypnosis Yes yes Have you seen it No please don't it's gonna make me throw up That's the best kind of clip So there is I think I would love it Have you ever been hypnosis before

No Nicky you're gonna regret it I'm already into this Sorry This is like all the porn I watch You're nervous aren't you Could you handle though The fact that

This would be the guy I mean is his penis gonna be used in this No no He's just kind of creeping He's just there Spank Spank Come for me

Can't sleep Can't sleep deeply She can't sleep in that position dick head Sleeve squatted down naked Now you're nailing No beating to my words It's so sexy It's a nice backpats

Shevers a pleasure Honestly I'm into this I'm legit into this I love a situation this is all the porn I watch It's like girls tied up Being told good girl Being forced to have orgasms And the guy's not

Their dick is nowhere near them Interesting I was reviewing the footage Looks like a Mike Myers character He does Orgasm now Time to have stronger 20 times stronger

Pleasure He's so turned on I hate it I know it's so gross Spank Even though you're out of hypnosis You still feel the same intensity of the best orgasm 1 2

3 Oh she has to like fake this She's getting paid 30 bucks An Uber ride Embrace me Where are those hands going Where are those hands going

Enjoy the sensation Let's check her panties I don't believe it Craving in fact And subconsciously Oh god Subconsciously So long again

He's holding her like an emotional support And building And building Stop it I know who he looks like Oh Stronger Stronger

Can I tell you something That in the last few years My aversion to seeing Any public kissing Has grown to a point like in Movies, TV shows When people start kissing I'm like oh fuck I don't know I really get

I get like upset by it You're not wrong it's really gross I don't want to see their tongues and their mouths Your open make out really makes me want to vomit But I even like seeing people Frenching I saw somebody French Just on the street

I was waiting for my Uber And this couple he just walked up to her And he started Frenching her Right on the sidewalk I was like this is such an intrusion I think a blow bang is more wholesome That's not what I'm talking about I really don't like it You know who he looks like

Remember Tackleberry from the Police Academy movies He does look like Tackleberry Google Tackleberry from the police academy He's got some burdens and responsibilities Now the lisp doesn't make him sexy He gets one in here Hold on where this is like hold on

Wait Good girl And then what Describe how the sensation My touch goes on your body Oh God Touching her stomach You think of anywhere in your body

That you wouldn't want to be touched right now Eww Awesome He said awesome he couldn't celebrate that Silently Look at Tackleberry am I right Yeah That is a good call

That's definitely Tackleberry That was awesome That's great Come that hard Awesome You almost squeezed your tits Yeah I don't know how you get into this line of work

But it's pretty cool So you're currently single or no You're not going to be for long Check out this guy I just hope That there's some women Are women out there Who really like

Having their pussy licked Just once There to be women out there who enjoy it By him Or just in general My elderly is like Making this and be like this will probably work Like this

Someone's going to see this and be like I've been dying to get my pussy licked Would you let him like your pussy licking me That's all I really want To be truthful That's all I keep asking God for Honest to God That's where my heart's at

My heart's at Oh my God Maybe it's a dying wish For him or something That's what I want When I want guys enthusiastically Eating my pussy You said somebody that wants you

And desires you I don't think it would be a Terrible gift to give that man I would get something out of it You realize how long he would ride That wave for You leaving and he would just be like And he would just

He would be glowing in that for years He would just leave it and never wash his face again That kind of thing You know if I could just close my eyes And disassociate and not hear him Put on some noise canceling headphones I might be down If you're out there and you're interested in me

And you're a friend On this site of mine And you really want to have that done Let me know Because I'm seriously interested in doing that Like a lot He threw out a friend and he's like Bring your friend too

There's one woman at first Okay, well here's a different guy Let's change it up For all y'all beautiful women You feel me? Just let me eat you one time Just let me eat you one time And I guarantee you

You're going to ask me to stay to your house You're going to sleep for Three days my baby Oh shit Really knows what he's doing You think you work with the puddle boy This is the puddle guy right here Guess what?

I can show you what time it is Sure enough I'll tell you they got a man up above I can cook for you Clean up your house Listen, when you come home baby You just got to jump in Jump in the tub With all of them bubbles

It looks like he's shooting an audition tape for the amazing race Where is friends helping him What is this? That's true You realize that he does want you to bathe So when you get home He requested that He wants you to be clean

I'm with you 100% Get with that ball I'm going to show you I'm going to make you cry His teeth make me cry I mean I believe he's probably great at it You think so?

What do you mean he's great at? I bet he's good He can't even brush his teeth He's going to make me sleep for three days And he's going to make me cry I'm with Nicky He'd be enthusiastic He's good

He's good Let me see if there's somebody else I'll make this brief Same guy I'm looking for girls I'm looking for girls For Pussy I love you Pussy

It's so gross It was bad the first time And now again with Nicky These guys are awesome Nicky's my friend I appreciate it Which one of these gentlemen do you choose as your date? Well first of all we're not done

Hold on Who was the first guy I've been praying I've been praying for Pussy Yeah Let me eat you one time And now this fatty This guy

If you're in the fat guys If you're in the fat guys If you're looking for some action you live in Missouri Oh my god I'll be home for the holidays Sexy voice Text me The sexy voice

is actually an upper respiratory Infection They tend to have pulmonary problems When they I think it's when you exceed 450 So you know I want him to be able to eat Pussy At one point in his life

He's never done it Nicky this is your home state What's interesting is that she has sympathy For these fellas And she's like I wish somebody would give it to him I have repulsion waves It's really interesting That is true

And this is consistent Consistently I see That you actually go like I'd like to be able to help this person out And you're always like fuck this disgusting person Get it the fuck away from me I don't want this guy anywhere near my badge I just feel bad for these guys

All they want is Pussy And they don't know how to get it This is such a cry for help It's like the last note They're a minor They're trapped in a cave somewhere It's their last dying wish I mean this guy is near death

Why can't someone just sit on his page Why don't you sit I mean would you be the one to do it It can't be me But I feel as though I'm like No push No And you're like someone should do it

But I'll tell you what I'm angry That this guy has the audacity To put this message out Fuck you What are you offering He's mentally disabled For sure He's TikTok

He's TikTok I'ma make you cry That guy's not well He's never been kissed I just feel for these guys They never got it together Enough to get a prostitute And just get it over with

They should be asking for money Yes, that's what they should be doing Can we donate his Oh, kidokey He has two phones by the way Have a text phone and a call phone Why did he just Like

The chances that a girl would be into that You know what, I'm gonna do this I can't roll a bullet with my pussy I would have done it And then that knocked her out So he's too demanding, he's too picky Thank you, and he beggars can't be choosers And he's got some kind of road rash on his face

If I had to have one of these guys Eat me out of be the first guy Because I feel like he's never been touched Doesn't have any diseases And really wants it and probably deserves it You know what's gonna make you rethink that choice Guess who's back I'ma play with your booty

I'ma put my hand in there And I'm gonna smell it Wait, so you're saying He's gonna put his hand in my booty One love You think it's a game? I ain't gonna play with you, my baby I'ma put my hand in your kitty cat

No, in your face And I'ma do it again, I'ma smell it I just feel it's so disrespectful Like fuck you That somebody loves you that much Yeah, he's 38 It's upsetting I bet you he is a younger age

Than he looks I bet he's just been through, yeah it's drugs Well having no teeth ages you too Yeah, it's not a good look It's just life in Florida, man, it's just how it goes I'm gonna smell it You know what? If you clean, you clean

If you dirty, you dirty Those teeth are clean Why is he making demands on my hygiene? That is insane Look at him I mean what a pig He seems happy though Doesn't he seem happy, he's got a little catchphrase

That guy is happier than I am What the fuck No, do you still You're still going with the praying guy Even in light of the second additional clip Of I.I.I. guy Yeah, yeah, absolutely, first guy You would be required

To make daddy come Oh no, what was the first one You'd be required to make daddy come And it would be done in a way That you want to do Either with your body Or a friend of yours That's a girl that you can sell a picture

And say daddy's stroke to her Kato Kalin looks terrible Okay, wait a second I like the daddy stuff I like being told What to do and what I can't do I love that Nicky always has curve balls That you don't expect

Listen, I'm not I'm just being very open minded here And he has some stuff that I'm into I mean, the Is it the bed with no frame Just the mattress on the floor You know what I love about this guy He has the arrogance

That like a CEO should have For himself, when he's like I'm the fucking man, like it just reads I don't even know he's a piece of shit Like he's a fucking He's barely getting by But he's like I'm fucking amazing

Or a video that you found Or Something that you think Will make daddy's stroke But that is like a hundred percent On your shoulders I trust that My baby will know daddy well enough

Ew, okay, no I don't like daddy I don't like this daddy stuff That's some big responsibility What lost you? Cause you were in a moment ago You know what I take back the daddy I've never really liked the daddy thing I just like that he made a demand Like you're gonna do this and I'm sorry about it

If you don't like it, you gotta do it But that goes back to the biology of like It's the man, you like that The man telling you Like he's pursuing you You need like an alpha male You're with these beta cucks and that's the fucking problem These weenie interesting guys

You write poetry Yes, I want a guy to tell me Like, yeah I need to be pursued and I need to be told What to do, I like All the porn I watch is like Guys being like you can't come, you can't come You do it, don't do it

And the girl's like please And he's like you can't, don't do it That's the hottest thing I can imagine Then he's like okay now you can And then she gets to Are you into BDSM? Have you tried? Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I love it, I love it, I love it Okay, so then maybe you need to find a dominant A guy who's a dom because it sounds like You're pursuing these weenie guys But I don't like Pursuing men on the I don't want to go to like a Kink.org

You don't have to pursue them They want to find you Now I'm gonna be pursued by so many Maybe I'll entertain You're in New York It's a city of fucking Ballers, okay You are a high achiever

You have a big career, a lot of things going on Attractive lady You need to be with another High achiever And it's probably Not gonna, it's not that it can't be Probably not gonna be Less likely to find in comedy

So if you step out of comedy Why, because of high achieving or because the Dominant No, because probably most of The available You know, are not gonna be high achievers Yeah, I know So those guys are either taken

Or you know, few and far It's just harder to run into There's not as many at my level or above Maybe like I'm saying they're already taken I've got one, I've got it What about an older gent Would you be okay with a divorced man

With older children out of the nest Maybe like a guy Wall Street guy What do you know what I mean? How much older are you comfortable with? I'm 35 I'm 40 Yeah, that's fine, right? What about a guy who's been married, divorced

So he's been around the block, he knows how to treat a lady Now he's made his mistakes And he's a career guy Highly successful Clean Confident Not emotionally crippled Like these guys you love

All of this is very scary to me Because it seems like that could be something What about your Uber driver From the other day She doesn't know this Christina doesn't know Yeah, so my driver the other day I caught him masturbating

Right before he dropped me off I looked up from my phone and I just saw Like listen, I didn't report it Only because there was a 20% chance That it wasn't that Because I didn't see skin, I didn't see the penis I didn't see I didn't have confirmation

So I can't ruin a guy's career Sure With that 20% chance So I gave him one star I even felt bad about doing that I even felt bad about doing that Because I wasn't sure Because unless you see the penis

But what other motion is He could have been wiping off his pants He could have been cleaning his phone screen She could have been like this Cleaning his pants Was he super quiet the whole time And then when I She said he kind of swore

And he went oh fuck Right before he dropped her off I was trying to film it But then I didn't want to As it was happening I didn't want to Because then he could do something weird I don't know

Everyone's like I would have slapped him And told him to stop No you wouldn't That's something definitely not to do Yeah you don't know Part of me wishes I could have been like What are you doing Okay now I'm going to murder you

Because you saw my sneaky habit And now I'm going to lose my job So I'm going to murder you Because obviously I'm deranged They're not mentally well So I just got out of the car Had to go and get a spray tan And stand naked in front of this girl

She goes are you nervous about the rose And I go no I'm just thinking about how My Uber driver was just masturbating She was like oh my god I would have told him stop And I was just like oh my god This isn't what I need Oh my god I would have been like stop

Don't jerk off It was just yeah You think those things are just like Whatever if it happens to me It ruined my night It made me really emotionally Unstable Remember the guy jerking off

In front of your house or a condo I called the police Well because some kid could be walking by And this guy is jerking it in his car I mean I've seen guys jerking off in public A lot I know I mean I'd still you know what I might Just thinking I may want to contact Uber

And just be like I don't I can't confirm But this guy may Well that doesn't allow them really to do anything though I don't know but then some other woman could get in that guy's car And then I don't know That's the thing it's like whenever this stuff happens People are like you have to report it

Because it protects other women And it's like why is it on me now Like why can't you guys just not Rape us Why is it always our fault It's obviously Yeah but I know what you're saying like there needs to be I hate when guys do gross things to women

Like egregiously gross like this guy Could have been doing nothing that's the problem It's like it's either all or nothing Well I kind of like That you hold Your accusation To a standard of Certainty before you

Let them know because you're right If the guy happened to not be doing No no if you're saying you're saying As the person there Then that is fair enough to not You know I think Let me ask you this though the motion Because cleaning a stain off is

Yeah but if it's like Jerking off is rhythmic No no but if you could have something where you just keep You know You wouldn't do it like that would you It depends where it is You keep going like this and then you're like Oh I'm cleaning and my dick's getting hard

It kind of feels good It's kind of fun You've expressed a comfort With anal sex And kinky stuff How do you feel Dude seriously do you mean this is doing this What are you doing

What are you doing Hello What are you doing What are you doing There's little kids around here Seriously Ah that looks like his dick When you freeze it like that

Um that is Wild There's so much going on there Yeah he took the bike apart That's going to end up in a good will And someone's going to ride that Some day Jesus Christ And he's covering his head so clearly

There's an indicator of shame But also we found out He's just scared of the sun Like I do that when I lay out too He's single this is a single guy Yeah we checked He actually I want to say that he was

Or maybe still is Vice president of marketing at Microsoft This is in Seattle So Remember we were talking about alpha high achiever I mean this could be it Okay well let me Kevin

His Patagonia Is cute This isn't outdoors he's got a knee brace on the one good leg I think he's got a camel back Yeah Keeping that one leg going well He's got great gear Um

I can't you know I go Why is this woman confronting him even How does she brave enough to do that This guy would have to get a lot of things together To attack the woman He'd have to take the thing out of his ass He'd have to put his leg on Yeah

He's got one shoe there on the floor And um This is so sad How do you even at this moment be like This is what I want to put something in my ass You know what I mean like on the sidewalk It's dirty you're fucking You're just like yeah right about now

Babe do you think he might be mentally ill Or on drugs No let's play the game hold on Get your cup out Let's sip I'm sensing Decades of drug use Sensing

Schizophrenia or just delusional He doesn't know where he is Living outside for years Sensing broken relationships Sensing No job no regular income Although I am Sensing notes of vagrancy

He's a homeless guy he's on the move He's got his bicycle Does have his bicycle Having a nice bike helps What do you smell in this bouquet What do you taste I can't Just

You know what I'm thinking about his child I mean it gets dark for me I just go to like This kid went through some terrible things In his childhood No Well there was emotionally and then there's Obviously the fucking bat to the leg That didn't help either

Something what happened to this guy's leg I remember when the dumb truck backed over Your fucking leg But someone stitched it up real nice I mean he's only in the hospital and people cared For him at one point That grip on that handle is so strong And confident he looks like Lance Armstrong

Oh god Oh no I was just adjusting it We can move on What happens with this He gets it in there He gets it all the way in And the lady's like oh Microsoft

Now I remember you So By the way as a single lady And you're on social media What's the DMs like for you Do you get hit up a lot Do you ever act on a DM Like do you meet somebody

Not have it yet It would require you to have like a blue check mark Or at least have your account Be on private So I can look and see if you're hot or not I can't tell by your little tiny picture So what are you doing Just to be like

I'm on this app with all of you But I keep my stuff locked up And for a guy To message me and be like I really want to take you on a date When you come to Denver or whatever they're pitching To not then make it on private So I can look at you And they're never cute enough

They're never even close to cute The guys that think That they deserve me I just go what are you Never Hold on I love putting ugly women in their place When I was single

I was saying And a woman would hit on me Are you out of your fucking mind Now I have sympathy for them Now this is where I'm different than you guys I actually have sympathy Because a lot of nerds would ask me out in my life And I tried to be very kind

To the people that had the courage to approach me As gentlemen I was never part of Same culture because I'm married But I always had sympathy for those guys Who had the courage to ask me out That's a bigger deal than me Let me eat your pussy

I don't have sympathy for that guy Fuck that guy And I'm always very polite when I do respond Most of the time I just ignore it And don't say anything back Because you don't need to But when they're vulnerable And they're actually

I'm touched Did you think I was going to move to Omaha? And we're going to have like a relate Like I just don't understand I just No, you're so stupid And you don't see me They always act like I see you

Other men don't understand who you are And go no you don't You just listen You don't know me And trying to access me on that kind of level Where it's like you're misunderstood I really listen to what you have to say And it disgusts me

And I You're so beautiful Well then why do you think I would date you If I'm as beautiful as you think I am On what planet They're real toads These are fives You know I'm not

I'm a comedy nine You know I'd say comedy ten Thanks But I know what I am I need the hottest guy in the world But these guys are real The guys that you were just pitching to me

Men like that I wasn't aware So sorry These are like sixes These are really gross dudes In the middle of America That think I'm just going to pick up my life And go be their stepmother

To their children I mean they have kids And dogs and guns Yeah I mean there was even a guy Who came on to me Who lived with his parents He was ten years too old to be an undergrad

And he Worked for the department That I worked for And he got fired but he still wore the windbreaker around Like he was touched And he worked up the courage one day To ask me out And I felt sad

Because that's how you ask people And that is very gentle That's different I would love For men who I would love more men to be As brazen and ask girls out They don't do it anymore

And I appreciate what it is done And when I turn it down I'm always very nice And just like I'm just not dating right now Or I'm seeing someone That's what I say on the road now too I get asked a lot I do I'm out there

You're not out there I'm out there What was I going to say to her? I've been asked out by a tic-tac person too Really? You think I'm going to go out with you? Barely string together a sentence Tata, retod

Tell them Yeah that's exactly what I said Tata God this guy DM'd me after I did So I was on Instagram Someone I follow who I'm not even friends with This guy in their picture was super hot And I was just like who's this guy

What actor is that? Went to his profile and he's following me And I'm just like who? How on earth is this hunk Following me And I look and he's like He's a fan of a show that I was on That I had an appearance on last year

And I was like I could tell by his post That he was a fan of the show And I thought it was that appearance And I'm like he'll see it And I'm just waiting for him to DM me Because now we're both following each other He clearly doesn't see it and I'm just waiting I can't reach out to him, I don't want to be the initiator

He's got to notice me I'm waiting for him to post so I can like something And just get his attention And then I look and And then one night I was like Maybe I'll DM him and I pulled it up to DM him You know like I just started The thing and he had DM'd me

He was in my request and I never saw it Back when I was on the show When he started following me The show that he's a fan of He had DM'd me You were so hilarious I was walking my dog and I was like crying Laughing and you killed it

And just this really nice message Kind of not really flirty but just But he's a hot guy DMing A hot lady and I was like okay This is and it was I think eight, nine months Before I saw it And so I responded like

Hey I just saw this nine months later and it made my day And he was like glad you got it And I was like damn it I missed He's like he's got to have a girlfriend now Motherfuck And so I can't do anything You know that's the problem with these guys I get so close

And I feel like it's happening and then I wait for them to keep it going And if they don't it just falls Because I will not do anything I will not pursue at all anymore I think you should stick with that But then some people go Nikki he doesn't know you like him

And I'm like how does he not know dude Let me tell you something about boys If a man likes you He's going to go to the ends of the earth To make this shit happen I'm a big believer in that too They're intimidated Nikki That's what women tell other women

When a guy's not Thank you Guys will The guy likes you He's not weird about He wants you to know because he likes you And then he'll also do whatever You know I'm going to go do this thing in

Amsterdam for six months He'll be like guess I'm fucking going too That's what guys do Remember I was living with some friends In Pasadena Tom would drive All the way out to Pasadena What is that an hour

I don't know it was horrible You wake up and seven in the morning But that's what you do If I'm not interested Pasadena is far And then most people go like oh it is far And they're like yeah but you can't blame them Because it is far

And then you go oh yeah it is far But if the guy really likes you Living across town It's the book he's just not that into you I'm sorry if he's not hanging out With you and he's not texting you He just doesn't like you that much Stop making any excuse for him

He did not lose his phone He was not busy at work If a guy likes you they will make the effort That's the biggest bullshit in the world He's too busy to call me He's just not There's this one guy that I had a crush on And we would

Be on the same show all night long Like we would have like three sets together On a Saturday night and I'm like I can't fucking Wait for tonight because I'm going to be at the club All night in between sets we'll be hanging out Oh my god flirt flirt flirt make out Like in the we'll go across around the corner And make out it'll be so fun I'd get

Dressed up and then he would cancel his Sets because he like didn't feel like it And not even tell me He wouldn't even been aware that I was on the Show and I'm like and my friends are like He didn't know you were on the show and I'm like But if he liked me he would have checked the lineup He would have been aware that I was on the show

He would have done everything to keep those spots He doesn't like me and they're like no Nikki he didn't even think to check and I'm like He doesn't like me. That's what people say to you Who like you like the friends Who emotionally just want to protect you Because they're like they're kind And they want to protect themselves because they want to be able

To say that about the guys that don't call them back Exactly, exactly. All of my friends It's the same thing he you know But he's his family's in town this weekend Um he He just I think he's really depressed right now I mean it's just the The amount of excuses I just don't

There's no excuse. And when a woman Likes a guy she eats his balls From behind. She Starts yeah and then goes Up the crack. Okie doke. Now I'm not saying That you shouldn't leave breadcrumbs For boys. Sure. I believe Cause I left some breadcrumbs for a cigarette

To let him know that I was interested Because let's face it Back when I was 28 I was the comedy 10 around Our circle and I just wanted to make sure he knew that like You're still fucking comedy 10 bitch But I just remember I had

We had a mutual friend and I was like just Let's cigarette know that if he Wants to sniff in the yard He can sniff around. Ok so this was When you guys had already just like had a Couple flirty interactions backstage I've known each other for a year. Couple years Yeah friends. But had it

You dropped that. Was there Anything flirty before that where you were like I always liked it. I always liked it. But it was super You know like it was Yeah because also what happened was She had a boyfriend and so I was always Respectful of that and just go I wasn't

You know so the friend let me know That they broke up. So he was like You know she's single right now And she's mentioned you and I was like Su Wu I'm gonna go over there. Yeah and put on his red scarf I put on my red bandana And he Crip walked over

He's like that's not what Bloods do And then you cymbal And I was like Christina When did you guys can I ask When you first had sex Now here's a funny story Can I tell the story? Of course

So I decided Because I never had a one night stand And then I'm like okay And I was a 28 year old Late 27 right We're dating I decided he was gonna be my first one night stand Oh so you weren't

One and time? I was like I'm just gonna I'm gonna bang Tom Because I think he's a nice guy I know him he's not a stranger And I'm just gonna bang him And then I'm gonna just pump him and dump him Like I'm gonna be a tough girl But then I liked him so much

And I couldn't get off of that D You know what I'm saying? I got hooked on that Cigarette D Don't forget I was like 25 I was pretty active Drilling I was I remember she was like Were you looking for a girlfriend?

What was your deal? Well yeah I mean No I was open to it I was single out here At that point 3 years So you still feel kind of new I had like a couple Hook ups

A couple hook up hoes that I would You know tap on the shoulder But no I thought I really I was out she was kind of a bitch I was like now I really like My men love bitches Read the book I mean I really liked that

Saying a bitch Yeah I do I like it Turns him on I fucking hate Every woman should be reading this book I hate the whatever you want to do Like date Whatever you like

Those are always the worst to me So just know Yeah I mean yes Someone that knows what they like But it backs up against The letting the guy lead And letting the guy pursue He should make the plan

He courted me proper like So I left the crumbs Listen I'll send up a signal That's cool hey like you I'm gonna check my make sure that I'm available Cause if you if frog you want to come courtin You know what I'm saying like my shit's up here Bitches I'm here

And now if he didn't come calling That's it I'm not gonna fucking ask Knock on the door again bitch this is the one crumb This motherfucker's gonna get And then he makes the initiation of a date Let's go out let's go do stuff And then he call and text

And I'm saying what I like is just I like a strong opinion Strong personality that's what I'm saying You know what I mean like a bitch might not I mean I don't mean like a real bitch Not mean but like you know Once you're like a certain age You're like you know things you like

So whenever you have somebody Express those types of opinions I think even in Like in friendships I'd rather hang out with somebody Who says what they mean Knows what they like like those kind of things You're drawn to those personalities more

I think it's somebody that book it's a bad title It's not being a bitch it's just being a Self-contained person You know what I'm saying like yeah like what he's saying I have an identity I knew who I was Well yeah because Then that gives if someone Like you who knows what she likes

Sticks to what she likes And knows what she doesn't like likes You then you know that it's Real and you feel like cool Almost that this woman that's so self-assured Like it makes you feel good So yeah that makes sense Why men would be attracted to women who know what they like

Because they know that they're of value If this cool woman chooses them And you're good at business right You're great at your career You are you are Now the reason too is you go yes no Yes no yes no You do that with dating

I guarantee it's gonna be Because you're telling me but this guy And then I fix that and then I tell him to go to therapy And then I find out and then he cries like no no no Have the guy who's already got that shit done And now homeboy's not gonna cry on your fuck Fuck all you don't want to do you want to be the guy's therapist Anyways, no I know

You're absolutely right Bye Felicia and fuck your tantra They're so cute and funny though The weirdos? They're so funny Not marrying guys You need some eagles Come on

Okay eagles eagles Yeah up there with you You're an eagle bitch But I want to be pursuit I think it's gonna happen I'm an eagle I'm about to become much more visible I think after my special comes out

And things like it's gonna open me up to A new world of men that You may have to date like an agent I'm that's what I'm saying Like someone in the business end Someone in the biz A little older than you It might be a good idea

I'm open to it for sure We gotta go have dinner with Robert Downey But then I promise we're gonna go do I need to like have my agent Set me up It's someone in the biz Yeah he works a lot too He's aware of what you're doing

But a little mature Sounds like he's been fucking with boys They need to be funny They are but some of them are Cause they're around funny people They're not gonna meet your criteria Yeah I think Russell's pretty funny He tweets me so much

Is he single? Russell actually I know Andrew Russell I got him to quit smoking I fixed him I fixed him Don't let her forget she was also a pig She was like put my head in this trash can

Right So you gotta keep that up too But I don't want to say that I'm not mean I was never mean No I try not to be like What's the attachment style Where you're like secure

I guess A bitch is a woman that's Secure I'm aloof and mysterious Like Jackie on asses in my courting style But it's only because I have a bad attachment Like actually Tom and I work Because we're I don't know

I'm actually more Avoidant so that comes across As aloof But I'm terrified of intimacy Yeah I gotta read that book I don't know which style I am You gotta do it Yeah I'm avoided

So just a quick recap though Before we have things that All things Mickey Glazer You up on Serious XM 95 every morning Monday through Thursday 10 to 12 Eastern

You shot an hour special You're going to shoot the degenerates Both will be on Netflix Do you know when your hour comes out October 1st Right now What's it called Banging

Banging Congratulations Thank you We'll see And then some other stuff In the works It's going to be a big I'm going to have a theater tour in the new year

And finally Out of the clubs for a bit Until the career takes another Dive and then I'll be back in Congratulations It's nice That's great Those dates will all be on

NikkiGlazer.com You gotta go see Nikki Lye Check out not just the hour special Also season 2 of the degenerates That'll come out Do we know who else is it Donnell Rawlings Adrian Nala Palucci

Jim Norton Bobby Kelly And one more Miss Pat That's a great lineup That's such a good one I don't even know what I'm taping in Two days and I don't know my set yet

Seriously? I mean I've got a lot of stuff To choose from It'll be fine It's in Vegas right I'm going to do great And oh I have a podcast You up Rate, review and subscribe

As the kids say And it's always great to see you Thank you for stopping in Love you Are you Jewit Glender Are you Jewit Give me your gender fluid

Are you Jewit Glender Are you Jewit Glender Glender Are you Jewit Glender Thanks for watching