Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 524-Yakov Smirnoff-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 7, 2019

We got Christina P and Tom Segura's fill-in host Ryan Sickler again for the first part of this show this week. We start with a Tik Tok who's asking for everyone to STOP calling her Jeffrey Dahmer. Only thing is she looks A LOT like him. We get an interesting development from Tom Segura about Josh Potter in Europe. They're in Amstrerdam, so you can figure out what kind of update this was. Then we go into one of our classic lanes: Browning in public. Then we have Yakov Smirnoff joining Tom and Christina for the guest segment of the show. Yakov is a comedy legend who has seen every boom and bust the industry has offered. He talks about starting comedy under Soviet rule in The Ukraine and the parameters that he had to work within due to Communism. Tom and Christina also get to the bottom of Yakov's arrival in America and how he started doing comedy in the U.S. There are lots of old Comedy Store stories, plus we find out if Yakov thinks certain videos are Horrible or Hilarious!

All right, ta-ta there, TikToks. Thank you for joining us today. To my right, my sweet love of my life, fire of my loins, is still on tour in Europe. But kindly today, Ryan Sickler is here to come home. Thank you. I'm excited to be back. You shouldn't call, I'm clapping

because I'm excited to be here and not for myself. I'm clapping for the opportunity. Just so you know. I love you. For those of you who don't already know, Ryan is a part of the Studio Jeans family and you may check him out on the Honeydew podcast. Yes, Honeydewpodcast, honeydewpodcast.com.

That's where you can find everything you need to know about the Honeydew. And make sure you subscribe to your mom's house YouTube channel where all of our videos are. That's right, it's highlighting the lowlights in life. So you guys talk about the tough stuff that you've somehow turned and made

into something positive, which is awesome. Yeah, the worst shit and we like to laugh at the worst shit. Isn't that the essence of good comedy? Yes, it is. All right, let's get into it. So we got this wonderful opening clip. As you know, I'm a fan of the talk. Stop saying that I look like Jeffrey Dahmer.

Stop it. It's really hurtful. She came out of the cave. I mean, as soon as you say it, you can't not do it. I'm not a racist. I'm not a racist. This is the one down to the mountain. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house

with Tom Segura, Tom Segura, and Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Who? Who? Tata, they are tiktoks. How much do you love that girl? I'm sitting here laughing. It's so hard thinking how many people had to say, you know, you look like Jeffrey Dahmer

before she put a video out to calling all ears. Stop saying I look like it must have been so many people. She's like, I mean, then why not at least like take that advice and change your glasses or something? You know what I mean? Like do something a little different because the pigtails are not doing it. She said, I was like, oh my God, she doesn't look like that right now. Is that nerds always get bullied and trolled and like they think the way to stop it is

to be like, stop calling me. You got to have a new game. Yeah, like it's, you don't, you don't tell. You don't get them to stop calling you. You guys need to stop bullying me. It's spirals. Yeah. The way to not get people to bully you is the worst.

The way you can start off is, okay, listen up everybody. Like then you're just, you're right there. You're going to get eggs thrown at your shots of the face. 100% like people don't care. They don't care. And in fact, like every time I see one of these nerds get on there and be like, I saw you guys in my comment section leaving bad call. Like you guys, it doesn't fucking work.

Like you just have to have all the haters. You have to ignore. They don't exist if you ignore them. No, bring her back up. We're not done. We are not done. She's my favorite. She is just primate.

Let's, okay, and you're right, right from the jump. So let's, let's examine the tick. Stop saying that I look like Jeffrey Dahmer. That is a mass request to any and everyone who's listening. That's not. Hey, Kevin, stop saying I look like Jeffrey Dahmer. Can you bring up a picture of me every time I'm like, this is not the beauty.

I wouldn't, when I saw this one, I would never expect those words to come out of that old girl's mouth. That's what I'm saying. That's the first thing. She does it like that. Glasses right underneath the glasses. These glasses are it. Yeah.

Especially because who goes in there? Who went in? She went in a cost code for glasses. Say, give me the Dahmer. Give me the Jeffrey Dahmer. Right. Like, and especially she's so young, she actually knows that reference. That's pretty.

Or me. Well, yeah, you know, you look like a serial killer. Maybe she learned it from from them where they call her. She's like, who's Jeffrey Dahmer? Who the fuck is that guy? Oh, you gotta kill an eight people. That's what you think I look like. That is a very distinct look like that guy only kills people.

That's it. That's his job. That's his, his primary gig. He is not an accountant. Right? No. What is he? Is he wearing like mechanics coveralls?

Oh, no, that's prison. That's prison. Yeah. Oh, give me the Dahmer. Stop it. It's really hurtful. Oh, okay. Okay.

Fuck. She's a roast beef. Yeah, such a nut. I just want to thank TikTok for all this. It just keeps getting better. I'm gonna, I need a drink of water. Yeah, let go of what she came out of the gate. Hot.

I mean, I was bullied. And I think, you know, I got it. Honestly, I think everybody at some point gets bullied in their life. And now the worst thing you can try to do is to stop the world from bullying because you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's like, um, it's like trying to stop dumb people. Like we're going to put an end to or something that's not stoppable.

We're going to end all fires. We're going to end the whole war. It's not going to happen. So you, you got to treat your kid, teach your kids to just beat the fuck out of somebody and listen, you know what I'm saying? Like since my daughter's been three, I tell her you don't ever hit anybody. But if somebody hits you, you can hit them back, make sure you don't hit first. You hit last a hundred percent.

And she's like, but I'll get in trouble. I said, well, then you let me deal with that, but you protect yourself. That's right. But in school now, they, the kid gets in trouble for hitting back. Did you know that your daughter will get suspended? I'm okay with that. Same. I'm okay with that.

She'll remember that even more. A hundred percent. My dad stuck up for me and they still suspended me. Yes. So I, yeah, especially for girls, you know, um, but now they have the whole anti-bullying campaigns in school, which I mean, I support, I support the message. Of course. Just like to say no to drugs.

Yeah, good luck guys. I'm not working on that, but there's always going to be assholes. They're all, and that's what life is. A hundred. That's what life is. My, my stepson just got his first job. He's 16. I'm very proud.

I'm working at Little Caesars. Oh, pizza pizza. And yeah, and a guy comes in with a hundred dollar bill and their rule is they can only accept 20 and under. He's the only male working with three. I think it was three other ladies and one of those ladies is the manager of this guy's fucking hot and he's screaming. He's yelling and no one knew what to do.

And he finally just goes pulls out as well. He goes, I have $17, but he owed like 21. He threw it on the counter. He grabbed his fucking pizzas and he ran out shorting them for dollars. But it was, it was his first time seeing like, oh my God, people are fucking assholes. Some people are just fucking assholes. And they all, he was like, what the fuck? And I'm like, now you're learning what life is about.

A hundred percent. And, and some people don't have the luxury of being raised by nice loving parents and that's how they become bullies. So you're talking about a really bigger problem other than like, stop people from making comments. Like, okay, good luck. But you're going to confront it and you're like, like, I was never bullied in the sense that it was this ongoing thing all through ninth grade or whatever, but there were certainly instances in my life where I was bullied, you know, moments, I would say, not a course

of action, but that's where I learned to every, everyone's going to have that. Whether it's in sports or school or work, all of it, it's going to happen. I'm telling you, some girl used to beat the, there's a story I did on Comedy Central. This is not happening. Ari's show where I talk about this girl, Rosina, was that her name? Did I just say her name? Yeah. And she used to bully me in the, in the locker room and you know what I did?

I punched back. Fuck yeah. I just fucking, I didn't say I made contact. But I punched back. That's all you got to do. That's all you got to do is just swing, man. Okay. So as you see, my beloved Tom is out and we have such a major, awesome YMH update.

So they're in Amsterdam right now, Josh Potter and Tommy. And this is the video Tom sent us today, what's going to be happening later tonight. Hey, YMH family. I'm in Amsterdam, absolutely stunning city. Yesterday was Berlin, where after the war fell, we got bananas on the East side. That's what I learned. I'm going to go to the gym and I am, I really am free show workout. The two shows here in Amsterdam.

Then I'm going to go to the red light district with Josh and hopefully hire the hottest prostitute to make him come. That's what I'm trying to do. He said that he was down. So just got to find an ATM and it's going to happen. Anyways, I always miss doing the show and I'm glad that Gene and Ryan are doing it at the beginning of it for me. Hope you enjoy the episode.

Lots of love. I'll give you another update soon. There you have it. So as you know, Josh Potter can't come. I do know. And I think if there's any place in the world, Christina, and have you been to Amsterdam? I have. Yeah.

Have you been to the red light district? I was 16 years old. I made a soccer team that was like a, you know, one of those Olympic developmental teams. They have a bunch of these teams. It was, I was under, I was under 17, a USA teams, not team, I'm going to be real clear about that. Um, it was like a regional one and we went over and we went to Amsterdam and I went to the red light district and the 16 years old.

I saw shit. I still haven't seen today. Same. Yeah. Can you bring up image? Let's see if we can, because I think people should see this. It's pretty fascinating. When I went, I was filming a showtime thing with Bert Kreisler, the fattest, most racist

comedian working today. We did a showtime thing and I don't know what was that a decade ago, maybe now. And it's fascinating. There you go. As you can see, so the women, they kind of, they stand in these glass boxes with doors on them and they, a cat and the inside that little room, there's a sink and a bed and then they open the door. They knock on the glass and they kind of cat call to the men walking through the streets

and it's just rows and rows and rows and rows. And a lot of these are really beautiful women from the Ukraine from all over. I think Yoshi loves Amsterdam for this reason. And what's really cool, did you ever see the alarm go off? No. Often sometimes if a John skips out and doesn't pay an alarm goes off and you see the pimps and all like they, these women are protected and the cops and everybody they run and they get the guy and they beat the shit out of them.

It's pretty fucking amazing. So I'm so curious to see which one of these fine ladies Josh will choose. Now when I was there too, I believe I asked, I asked one of the prostitutes what her rate was and I think she said 50 or 60 euro for anything. And that was in the red light district. What is that in US dollars? Maybe like a hundred bucks? That's it?

Yeah. Oh my God. I don't know what the exchange is. If they can't, I mean they are going to the capital of make you come right now. So on planet earth. I know. Except for maybe some places in Asia. Asia too.

Yeah. I think isn't Thailand a big one. Yeah. Wherever my dad goes. The Philippines. Wonderful locations. It's for the culture. He's going to enjoy the sanitary, the museums in Thailand.

Well, if it doesn't happen here, I mean good luck Josh. Good luck. I know. I'm curious which chick he's going to pick. I know. I can't wait to see his taste. Because they are very aggressive. I have a feeling he's going to go for the one, because it's like a musical.

They knock on the door, hey baby, hey baby, and then they'll be like, come here, come here, you with the hat, you with the glasses, you look like you did, they do solicit. So I have a feeling it's going to be a woman who's very persistent, persuasive. I don't know what Josh's type is. Does he have like, does he like blondes or brunettes? Do we know? I think he just likes vaginas. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think he's picky.

Well, I am so excited. Tom sent in a second video. Did he not? Yeah, there was a second one. Go check your email. He sent in a second one. Have you ever seen a hooker? Ever seen one?

Have you ever been with a hooker? I've never been with one, but I've seen them a lot. This is a place in Baltimore I used to go eat, and the truckers would go, and that was the host role for the truckers. Chaps bit beef, shout out to Chaps. Lot lizards. Let me tell you something, the best bit beef in the, probably the world. It's the red light district of pit beef, but right there where a lot of the truckers will

come through, they would stroll right just on the median, just on the, you know, like on the grass. You know, like, man. Well that's the great part about Amsterdam and that district is like, look, this is always going to happen. Yes. You may as well protect it, commodify it, tax it, protect the women, you know, upscale class to it.

Well, you think it's the same video? It's not, it's not, I don't know. I think so. Let me take a look on my phone. Yeah, I think it was just that you sent it on iCloud and then you sent it as an actual attachment. Ah. So I don't think there's a file.

No, he said another vid to play. How done. No, yeah. That was where I downloaded it from. Oh, yeah. It's okay. Sorry. I was making sure we didn't miss out on a word of my.

No, yeah. I'm sure next week, on the next episode, we'll be getting an update. I cannot fucking wait. What happened just now? What do you think? Do you think it's going to happen? Um, I don't know because I don't think it's that, you know, the thing that's holding Josh back is, well, you know, she doesn't want to do what I want.

I don't think that's his problem. So although a hooker will do whatever you want, that doesn't solve Josh's problem. It doesn't solve the problem. I think the problem is intimacy. I think he needs to really connect with somebody and then and feel loved and supported and then he can relax. Well, I mean, I think like these, these hookers, they're pretty good at role play, right? I mean, they are professionals.

But you don't have much time, like you get in there and sorry, what were you going to say? I interrupted you. No, no, no, no. Just that they could fake. Fake being a mom. Yeah. Fake, no.

Fake showing support. A mom. That's not what I said. Yeah. The kids are waiting. I'll fold this laundry while you're at it from behind. But you know, like role playing, like intimacy and stuff like that, like, you know, before you're getting into it, just like, how's your day, you know, stuff like that.

But I got to tell you, so you saw those booths, right? If they're literally tiny glass rooms, like the one you guys are in and there's a sink and then a twin bed and then you got, you go in, she closes the curtain. So like, you know, you're in a foreign environment and I imagine she just like washes her hand. I don't think that's a problem for Josh. Plus, yeah. I don't think being in a foreign environment. I think she's going to shove a thumb up his ass and he's going to come bucket.

I think she's going to unleash a fucking demon out of that kid. I'm going to suggest Tom do more than one, because if he can't come with one, it could be her. Yeah. It could be her if you just try to walk. And maybe him getting so pent up and built up, like he's going to have to release. That's the method. That's the method, right?

Like he's going to have to jizz at some point, otherwise it's going to hurt, right, and get blue balls if you don't bust nuts. Yeah. But he could do that. Yeah. That's how he usually does it, though, is that he goes with the woman and then he finishes off. But we don't let him do it himself.

We just keep going and finding another chick. Put his hands in cast. Yeah. It's like when you're toilet, you potty training, pull ups aren't an option. You have to use the toilet. So wait, you're saying Tom should take him to his first prostitute and before he busts, be like, no, wait, Josh, stop, I'm going to take you to the next one. No, no.

If he doesn't bust with the first one, hold that nut. We're not allowed to touch it. We're going to ride this bitch until you bust nuts with one of these bitches. We're just going to go down the road, dude. How many hookers do you think they're going to go through in one night? I don't know. As much money as Tommy's got. Josh can end up getting jumped into the Amsterdam gang.

They're fucking none of them are more respective over there than red like this. Like, fuck you, Josh. You fucked all of us here. We don't respect you. Oh my God. Oh my gosh. Well, good luck, Josh, I hope you come. I can't wait to get the update.

I cannot wait to get the update. We have a fun clip. Let's tee this up. What's going on here in a dove? Okay, so this is a video of a guy. There's no volume on this. So Christina, I want you to give a play by play of what's happening. Okay.

All right. I'm going to find a jewelry. It looks like a counter of some kind. Oh my God. Oh my God. Wait. Did it already happen? Yep.

So there's just a guy casually standing there at a cash register and there's just a pile of shit under him and he's in flip flops and he's standing in the poo. Dude, why do you wear flip flops? Never wear flip flops in public. So yeah, here, like, let's see again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I go go because I missed it. I'm fascinated by this video. Yeah, go ahead.

Oh, check this part out. This is the this is the professional move. Hold on. Hold on. Checking his phone like nothing happened. That is so crazy. I wish I was that composed when I said, I know, I know, because it's like, I like, I, like I told you, I said on the show that I should myself this year.

Yeah, I should want, you know, I think one instance, but I cannot check my phone. I cannot look anything. My face looks like I just shit myself. This guy is a pro. Bolt. He's done this before and he knows that the move is to just look on your phone. You know, if the smell doesn't hit you, how could it not? Well, this is diarrhea.

This is not a lot. It's got to be an emergency. This is an emergency. Yeah. Let's look at it again. Look at these moves. Oh God. Yeah.

He goes, look at it. You know what it is? Eyebrows don't even raise. And I saw the pant waffle like I saw the movement of the short. So I think he went to fart and he sh and he sharded. Look, look, watch the wind. Oh, well, we, there's a, there's a slight, yeah. Let's look at the, see how, see, he farts and then he slides it back.

Wow. You saw the fart. Thank you. I'm the brown detective. Brown lock. Let me tell you, cause I've done this. This is exactly what happens when you brown like, cause one time I was standing in the kitchen without underwear on and I was wearing my pajama bottoms and I farted and this exact

thing happened, but then come out the bottom. I just sharded all over my legs. And it was liquid? Yeah. It was like this liquid? Yes. And I, cause I had pizza the night before from this place. Anyway, the thing is, it's shocking at first cause you're trying your mind.

You're like, yeah, but I just farted. There's no way there's brown, but I just only a fart. Like he's still going. It's just a fart. It's just a fart. And then he goes, oh my God, it's not pretend like, be cool. You don't think he felt the hot brown on his leg and, and underneath his foot between his flip flop.

Now he does. Yeah. But the first moment of denial. See, he's farting. He's pushing. There it is. There's the wind. Oh, oh.

And now, now he knows. He looks down. He confirms it. Oh fuck. And he's looking around like, did anyone see that? Out comes the phone. Get the phone. Yep.

I could watch this clip for, yeah. The guy working. Doesn't smell yet. Doesn't smell yet. I'm wondering when that guy smells it and if he accuses him. I know. Does this video go any longer? No, that's the whole video.

Because I want to know what this guy does after he's accused. Yes. Did you just shit? Does he play it off like, hey, that was here when I got here. No matter what he says, it's on their camera. Oh no. That is mounted up here in the store. I mean, I want to know.

You gotta fass up. This is like, this is a nail biter. I am more excited to see what happens here. Oh. God. Damn, he slides it with his, oh, he's sloshing it. God. It's disgusting.

God damn it. It's disgusting. But I feel incomplete. I have to know what happens. Is that the end of it? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's the whole video.

Here's what I would do. I would come clean immediately. Why don't you just come clean and be like, bro? I just say, come clean it up. Shit. Well, yeah. Well, that's the thing. If you come clean, then they're going to be like, here's a mop.

Yeah. The question is, are you okay with doing that or just kind of pawn it off on some works there? Or I might do what he's doing, actually. It's just being like, all right, dude. Thanks. Bye-bye now. And then just track.

I mean, your track. I think this guy's gone through enough trial and error to know this is the path of least resistance. If you try to sprint right now, you risk slipping in that. Oh my God. And falling right there all in it. And then you're busted. If you hustle out of there, you'll track little shit footprints

all the way out the door. Oh, I mean, you got to you got to own that big man. I know why you're dusting off that thing right there. Can you point me to your restroom was I got to finish the shit I just took on your floor. Can I finish the shit I just started in your store in the restaurant? I'll come back and you would confess to it immediately.

I would have to. I just, I would know that look in today's world, if you don't think there's a camera on you wherever you are at any second, you're a fool. So I would fess up to that because I would know plus the way I am. I already saw that camera when I walked in that store. Yeah, I know that things there.

This is the most compelling argument. This is why I get so upset when I see people wearing flip flops in the streets. This is the most compelling argument why you should be wearing fucking closed toe shoes, dude. I'm serious. Like when I go to New York City in the middle of summer and I see people walking in flip flops, I'm like, there is nasty

shit on the floor. There's fucking hypodermic needles, garbage, dog shit, human shit. You got to wear shoes, bro. You could shit your pants. Hold on. So the reason to wear flip flops is because you might shit your pants and you might get in your flip flop.

Of course. Oh, this is the, I'm telling you, the worst part of this cleanup is his feet. I agree. The worst part of this cleanup today is getting that out of that out of his foot. Getting it up out of that pinky toenail that's stuck up in there.

By the way, who's joining us on this episode afterwards? This one, Yaakov Smirnov is going to be on this one. You're going to love this. Tom will join. As you see, we kind of piece these things together separately. Tom will be here for the Yaakov Smirnov. He was such a great interview. You guys are going to be very pleasantly astonished, actually.

I was. And just how sensitive and intelligent and wonderful Yaakov was. I still think about that interview that we did it a couple of weeks ago when I still think about him. And I just love him. You remember him from the 80s? Yeah. We had him on the Crappies.

He was fantastic. God, I love him. His stories are amazing. Let's do Tommy's dates first since I did mine first last time. Okay. Tom Segwera out on the road. God damn. My sweet love.

My sweet fire love. Okay. So T is in Amsterdam tonight. He's going to be in Paris. London. Salford. Dublin. Kingston, New York.

11-6 he returns. And then November 7th, he's in New York again. Two shows. They added a show at the Beacon Theatre. And then Ben Salem, Pennsylvania on the 8th of November. That's our band is Merfrenny. And then November 9th, Buffalo, New York. The 10th, Syracuse at the Landmark Theatre.

November 13th, Charlotte at the Evans Auditorium. November 14th, Pensacola. And then November 15th, Lake Charles, Louisiana. November 16th, Austin, Texas. Two shows there. The 17th again, Austin at the Paramount Theatre. And then the 29th, Melbourne, Florida. That's right after pink gaming.

The 30th, he's in Miami. And then we go into December. Holy shit. Erie, Columbus, Columbus, Grand Rapids. And then Windsor, Monterio. My birth. That is my birth city. And then Honolulu for New Year.

It's very exciting. Tickets for Tommy or Tom Segwera.com. Myself, I'm going to be doing flappers in the Yuhu Room of Residency every Thursday. Come see me. I'm just like throwing shit against the wall. I'm just talking to people in the room, you know, figuring it out. Seattle, Portland, November 22nd and 23rd. Tickets are almost completely gone for that.

And then into 2020. Let's do this. January 30th, Houston Improv. March 13th, Miami Improv. March 26th, Addison Improv in Dallas. April 3rd and 4th, Carolines. At Jewdork Titties. And I think I'm going to have Shuley from the Howard Stern Show.

Like for me, Carolines, which I'm so excited about. April 24th and 25th, Des Moines. At the Finding Bone in Iowa. And then June 12th through 13th, Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. Tickets at Christina P. Online. Thank you very much. God bless you. Oh, merch.

Do we have anything to plug wise, merch wise? Check out the store. TomSegura.com. Is it merch? Store. No, store. TomSegura.com. Store for all.

Click on that, mommy. What's the link? Merch. Yeah, if you go to merchmethod.com. TomSegura. You'll see everything that we have for sale. Two bears, one cave shirts, tour shirts, posters, hats.

Where are the bodies? G-shirts. Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew. Yes. Just so much stuff. So much stuff. Do you have anything to plug?

When does this come out? Next week. Yeah, Denver. Come see me, Denver. I'm at the Comedy Works South. November 21st is the 23rd. Sounds good. Listen to the Honeydew.

Listen to where my mom's at. Yeah. Enjoy this part. Coming up with Yakov Smirnoff. Thank you for listening, downloading. And ta-ta, they're TikToks. Until next time. Oh, my gosh.

I'm so excited to have this guest with us here today. I feel like you are a huge part of my life. My parents adored you. I adore you. Thank you. Grew up with you. And I can't believe I'm having, like, the privilege to sit here and be in the same space as you.

So please welcome Yakov Smirnoff. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello. No, it's awesome, man. It's amazing that you're here. Thank you. And I'm honored to be here.

I admire your work. So it's great to see what you guys accomplished and how comfortable it is to be here. Well, thanks, man. I mean, it's so fun to be, I mean, still, like we talk about it all the time, our favorite thing is to hang out with comedians, you know? Yes. And I love, like, when a comedian has been doing it longer than me and is still, like, I feel like you love doing stand-up.

I love it. Totally. It's inspiring to me, you know? Thank you. Thank you. So I really enjoy that, man, because, you know, we both remember, you know, being kids and seeing, you know, when you're a kid, you get exposure as seeing, like, one of the stand-up shows, you know,

like Live at the Improv. Yeah, or Rodney Danger. Rodney Danger. Yes. And, like, yeah, you're one of the pioneers of what's today, like, such a huge art form. Stand-up's so popular. Yes. Because of guys like you who, like, paved that way, man.

Well, and who did it in not-their-native language. That's another level, yeah. So for those of you who don't know, the reason I'm so familiar with you and loved you so much, my parents escaped from communism in 1969 from Hungary. Oh. So for those listening, a lot of people don't remember, but the Russians had annexed much of Central Eastern Europe. Yes.

And so... I had nothing to do with it. You had nothing to do with it, personally. Yeah, I blame you. Yeah. Well, it's okay. So my parents essentially, you know, we had to learn to speak Russian. The Russian, the communists didn't allow freedom of religion or any of that stuff.

And food was hard to come by. It was a very messed-up time. But they escaped. And seeing you on television and you were from... What part of Russia are you from? I'm from Ukraine. Ukraine? Oh, so...

Oh, wow. Oof, deep. Oof. You guys are in the news all the time. Yeah. Yes, we are. Yes, we are. But it's interesting...

Where? Yeah, like specifically to... Odessa. Odessa on the Black Sea. Odessa, yes. That's its own language, too. You guys speak your own... Yes.

And you had... Odessa. Even though you had shortages in Hungary and you didn't have anything close to our shortages. Really? Oh, my goodness. You guys got it worse than we did. We were dreaming to go to Hungary, you know. We were hungry to go to Hungary.

Man. But how does it... I mean, the whole idea of just immigrating and that in and of itself is a thing. But how do you even entertain the idea of... Were you a fan of stand-up? Actually, I was a successful comedian there. I was 26 when I left, so I was doing comedy since I was like 15. Stand-up was big there?

What? But how old? There's no freedom of speech. That's correct. Well, we had, when you become, when you want to be a professional comedian, you have to submit your material to the Department of Jokes. And it's part of Ministry of Culture, right? And they have the Department of Music, Department of Dance, Department...

All the departments and bureaucrats are basically telling you this, you can't do this. Do they give you any notes creatively? Oh, yeah. Or just not like... No, not creatively. Just like this is not going to hit. No. This is not going to happen.

This is not going to happen. And you pushed the envelope just a little bit, but you can get in big trouble if you... You end up in a gulag somewhere, yeah? That's right. No, literally, yeah? I don't think it was happening during my time. It was just you would get fired or get fired at. But they weren't killing people or putting them away during that time in the 60s and stuff.

But we got this information from our mother's milk that don't say anything because people disappeared in thousands and thousands just by telling a wrong joke, a wrong story or anything. Well, let me stop you real quick because we're so used to the infrastructure of the American comedy scene, meaning like there's clubs all over the country. Sure. And it's a big thing now. Back then, when you're like, I was already a successful comedian, how often were you doing shows and where were you doing shows?

Well, everything was owned by the government, so including theaters and including clubs. Lounges and bars. Yeah, no, there was very little. It was very straightforward. It's normally a 2,000 or 1,000-seat theater. Okay. There's no alcohol. There's no theater.

But it's popular. It's obviously a thing. It's enough to... Eventually, I was doing okay. Yeah. And then I started working on the cruise ships. I called it the love barge, but it was still a cruise ship. And that's where I was able to perform.

And that's where I got introduced to IDEA even because we were not allowed to see or communicate or be with anybody from outside Soviet Union. So, foreigners who would come, they would make sure that the KGB was around them so there was no contact because... Jesus. Well, the way... They didn't want you to get polluted by their thoughts. The way you control the social society is by cutting off the information from the outside,

so religion is gone, no contact with anybody outside. And then TV just pumps the propaganda towards you. And in our case, I tell a joke that we had two channels. Channel one was propaganda. Channel two, there was a KGB officer telling you to turn back to channel one. So, that was our reality. And we didn't know anything. And here I get on the cruise ship and I was...

First of all, I had my own room. I mean, prior to that, I lived in a communal apartment with nine families in one apartment. Which is, by the way, something that the communists did, they came and they... The government would take over private property, right? Exactly. So now if you had a nice big house, let's say you were a successful person, the government would go, well, guess what? We're going to take this house and now all these other families are going to come live

with you. That's right. So the government would take over, which is... Yeah. That's crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. So I would tell a joke when my parents wanted to be romantic when we were living in the same room, they would send me to look out the window and then my dad would say, so what do you see in the window? I said, our neighbor's being romantic and he said, how can you tell?

I said, because their son is looking at me. So that was the life that we lived. No phone, no car, long lines for food. It was just normal Soviet existence. How long does it take between the first thought of I'm going to leave and actually, you know what I mean? When do you start going like, I'm gonna get out of here? I'll tell you an interesting story that happened that triggered for me that thought.

I was working in the cruise ship and they offered me one gig for a week, such as to test me and I did a good job and they asked me to go again and I said, well, I've been touring and I haven't seen my parents for about a year, so I'd like to bring them on the boat or if you can pay me, then I can buy a cabin for them as well. They were just shocked that I even requested anything like that and they just said, get the hell out of here. Really? Yeah, there's no way you ever.

We have hundreds of people like you, get out. So I left and I go home and I tell my parents, you know, I tried and they kicked me out. And so we kind of accepted that as normal Soviet life. And then two hours later, the knock on the door and messenger comes in with two sets of tickets for my parents and for me. And I'm like, I never heard of anything. My parents are like, we never heard of anything like that happening. What's going on?

So we get on board and I asked the cruise director, I said, what happened? He said, well, the ship normally is leased to some other foreign countries, you know, could be Britain, could be America, could be. So captain and others like upper crew goes with the ship. So they learned some things from capitalists. And I guess when the captain found out that I'm not going to be on the ship, he went back to the company and said, even if you need to give him my own cabin, I want him on the ship.

Really? And I swear to, I went, wait, I said to a cruise director, I said, wait, let me, let me get this. Hold on. I don't, I never heard this. Are you saying that there are places in the world, if people are more talented and they can do something more than average person, that they will get rewards? I know it sounds crazy.

You grow up with it. We never heard of it. My parents never heard of it. So that was the light bulb went, wow, we need to get out of here. And that's how it started. Holy shit. Can I take one step back? Those jokes that you told us, were those approved by the ministry of humor?

No. No, most of them. What are the guidelines like? The guidelines, you can't talk about politics, government, sex, religion, the rest is fine. You know, I mean, there's like mother-in-law jokes and animal jokes and it just, it's really very limited. But there was an interesting art form that to be able to come up with material that would be acceptable by the bureaucrat, but people could hear behind the joke.

Right. You heard something different. Yeah. Right. And so that was an art form that was kind of. That really makes you work at it though. You have to. Yeah.

But it was a great training and comedy to be able to have a limited amount if it's like an athlete who trains for Olympics and you run in the sand because that's harder and then you show up on normal, you know, runway and you're good. So when you go through that ship experience where you're like, oh, people get rewarded for being talented, it plants a seed in your head. And then how long from then until you actually, do you escape by the way? No, no, no. There was a window that I, because I was in that environment that people were talking

to me, I was previewed to some information that most people were not because Jimmy Carter was at that time, was very much for human rights. And he said, and the Russians were starving. So they, he said, you show some human rights and allow people out and we will give you some wheat. So we were exchanged for some tons of wheat. Literally. They exported you.

Yeah. So how old are you? How old are you in that? I was 26 when we left. Yeah. And you leave with your parents? Yeah. That's so fortunate.

It was, but it was also another trick that the Soviet government did. They would say, if a young person wants to leave, they have to take their parents with them because they didn't want to take care of the parents, right? But it was a trick because most older parents did not want to go. Oh, right. So most of the time the answer would be, no, we're not going. Right. Because they don't pick up and leave when they're 70.

Exactly. My dad was into listening to Voice of America. He was. That's what my dad listened to. That's what inspired him. I think Americans should listen to Voice of America. That's what my dad said, I want to come to America because of that. He would get that one show and the Beatles, too, as Britain, but he loved in Coca-Cola.

He would find somewhere to get a bottle of Coca-Cola with his mother and that was just like, I got to go to America because it was so wonderful. Yeah. We didn't have, I remember making a bootleg copies of the Beatles because they were outloaded in the Soviet Union because they had long hair and that would not be that music just like the Gays. Just like the Gays Radio Free, Radio Free Europe, that's my dad listened to and listened to the Beatles on there and oh my God.

So you, but they come with you and where do you land? We land in New York. In New York. You set up trap there? You like you guys? Well, we didn't have anything, so we literally, what the Soviet government wanted to do is to give an example of how terrible it is to consider leaving, you know, they're like rats leaving the ship, you know, it's like, so they would make everything, it took us

two years to get out and the first thing they do, they fire you from work and so you have no means. Most people watching this struggle go, I'm not doing that. And so we were able to, my dad was an inventor and he was able to create something that really gave us an opportunity to get out and so we had a little bit of money to survive this. Most people didn't. So when we come to America and they exchange us, when we left, they exchange each person a hundred dollars you could have to take with you.

That's it. Jesus. And then a couple of suitcases of clothing and just whatever, you know, necessities. And that's it. And that's how we came to New York. So by the time we got there, now what did your vote, because they're, you know, older than you, what do they think of New York when you get there? Well, it was mixed emotion.

My dad was very excited. Mom was still scared. She didn't think I'll be able to. I didn't speak English. So I was the only person, you know, who could make a living and they, you know, I had to start from scratch. So there was a lot of fear from her. And it was obviously on all of us, we felt very excited on one hand, but also very scared,

you know. And so at one point mom was like saying, I don't know what my purpose here is there. I knew my purpose. I could go to a store for milk. I can go to a store for bread. I stand in line. I get food for my family and I feel productive. Here you can walk into a supermarket and get everything you need in an hour or for a week.

And she said, what am I going to do here? Oh, right. Yeah. I know it's problem. First world problem. First world problem. There is DNV. You can go stand in line just to feel at home, you know.

So yeah. So but little by little, they both got and did you write, I mean, well, so you don't speak English. So you guys started working. How did you learn English? I went, I got, I saw an ad that was advertising bartending school. And I remembered in the cruise ship bartenders were in the same room as I was performing. They were just on the other side of the room.

And I thought, oh, that would be cool. If I become a bartender, then I can learn the language and then just start performing. That was just intuitively, I just came up with that and but I didn't speak English. So but and they needed $200 to go to that school, which was hard to get. But somehow we scraped it and find it. And I went to bartending school for two weeks, got the degree of mixologist. And I had no idea what I was talking. I mean, I didn't speak.

So I would bring a taper cord there, which was like a big taper. And I would record all the lessons. And then I managed I was the relentless that I'm going to learn the language. So I knew that if I have a girlfriend that's American, then she will teach me how to speaking. And so I could I would walk up to strangers or two people I knew and I said, do you have a girlfriend for me? I swear. And at one point, somebody said, you know what, I know somebody who might be interested

in you. And so we met and we liked each other. And so she lived in New York near United Nations, and I would bring my tape recorder. My school was on 42nd Street and Fifth Avenue. I would walk over, bring my tape recorder, and then she would buy some, you know, drinks and we would mix them and drink them. And so I was learning English and learning about American women at the same time. And how are they different from Russian women?

Oh, wow, that's a that's an interesting topic. I think American women are more a lot more. They had a lot longer time for women's lives. So they are a lot more open in sexually and not the Russian women are a lot more conservative. So and especially in those days, it was like, you mean I do that with you? Wait, how's that work? You know, whatever. It was just all new to me.

Sure. But this is way more fun. I liked it. Yeah, it was American sluts. All right. Loose American women. What a country. Yeah.

That's awesome. Yeah, back in the back and back in Odessa. Yes. I mean, did you have to get married to hook up in that culture? Like more stringent? Yeah, it was much more stringent. Yeah. And I actually dated a Hungarian girl at one point that I met on the cruise ship.

How was that? Yutka was her name. That was my stepmom. Is that right? You were your last name. She was nice though, right? Yeah, I very nice to the very situation. Nice tits.

Everything was nice. Everything was nice. That's what my dad always said about my mom. Nice tits, nice sess. So did you like that time here? But being in the communal apartment, to wait for your parents. You invite the girl and you know,

it's you have to send them to the movies and they show up early. And the whole thing is just, yeah. Well, my dad says. This country's a straight up hose. Yeah, hose. My dad told me back in Budapest that they, the kids would just make out in the park. There's this island called the Marguerite Island.

And it's where teenagers just basically fuck in the park. Yeah, yeah. And the police would walk around with flashlights, not flashlight, but the flashlight. And just, and the point that, you know, and you're like. Break it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Knock it off.

What's your, who's your first American girlfriend? Do you remember her name? Naomi was her name. That's the, yeah, Naomi. And she was a registered nurse. So I felt safe in that way. And she was a great person to be with. And she was taking me to different places for her.

It was a great to show a new person America. And for me, it was perfect for what I needed. But this is also during the Cold War yet. So, so we're Americans kind of like, whoa, Rusky, kick rocks. You know what I'm saying? Like, we don't, I never felt that. No, no, no, for some reason, maybe I don't know. It just, I just actually was embraced because there was so

much tension between the United States and the Soviet Union and the images that you guys were growing up with, Presnip with one eyebrow and, you know, and Khrushchev banging his shoe on the podium at the United Nations. All of that was like, you know, and here I show up and I'm kind of likable, funny guy and I tell jokes at the bar and then people tip me and I go, yeah, that was a good one. You know, so, you know, and that's, I never felt.

How about now? How about in this current climate? It's still, it's still somehow I've been very blessed to not get to be, you know, I'm not colluding, you know, I was probably, I was probably the only guy who was not interviewed by Mueller, you know, so, so I guess, you know, that somehow I have a pass, you know, to be able to, and now I'm kind of, I'm excited to share with Americans when I go to the

comedy store or I do show at my theater in Branson, I have an opportunity to share with Americans what socialism can be like. And, and yes, it was an extreme form, but socialism is socialism, it just, it just doesn't work with capitalism. And that is an opportunity for me to just say, hey, guys, let me draw you a picture of what it was like. So how do you feel about like the, you know, a big part of a

lot of the Democratic candidates, you know, platforms, nervous, socialist, really? Yes, when I also, when I see polls and it says 60% of millennials are in favor of socialism, it scares me because they're not realizing the cycle that happens, it just, it's so romantically attractive, this universal health care, free tuition, but nobody's explaining how do you get there. And the only way the socialists know how to get there is to

collectivize or take the, the private property and make it collective property. And then they can rule and then they become dictators, because that's the only, that's what breeds that, you know, do you guys know what Fidel Castro, when he passed away a year ago? Great guy, great guy. Do you know what his net worth was when he passed away? No.

$900 million. And you go, big country, it pays to be a dictator, right? Yeah. And also you and I, I know a lot of Cuban people who, you know, first hand, like growing up in Florida, who, you know, grew up in that fun regime. And had their homes taken and, you know, their cousin was

killed and all that shit. Well, also you and I discussed at the comedy store briefly, the culture of monitoring other people's language, censoring comedians, and what we just had with the SNL thing, a kid getting fired before he was hired because of some stuff he said on a podcast years ago, how do you feel about that too? Because you grew up in that culture as well. Well, I was censored by the department of jokes.

So I had the extreme. I saw the end of the movie. I was, oh, spoiler alert, this doesn't end well. Yeah, it does not because it encroaches very, it's interesting. I learned that also not too long ago, if you Google this, that the political correctness originated 1917 by Vladimir Lenin. Wow, little guy named Lenin. Yeah, and it was the adherence to the Communist Party policies

and ideology. And if you wear off, you go to labor camp, you go to prison, you go, you disappear. And that's why Lenin is responsible for about five to six million people dead. Now, I grew up, he was our God. There was nothing. He never would hurt a fly.

Right. Yeah, six million dead. Then Stalin came. And that's another 40 million. Yeah, put it in fifth gear. Sixth gear, yeah. So I grew up with my parents. They lived through Stalin era.

So it was like, don't say, please, don't draw a picture of Statue of Liberty. Don't do anything that could be misconstrued by them. And then they take you away. Because that's the other thing in those environments is your neighbor tells on you. Absolutely. The guy that smiles at you every day.

Absolutely. My dad told me a story, because at school, they tell the little children, report your parents. If you hear even your parents saying something, and it happened next door. Some kids just, you know, you make a comment that call me of no idea, and that's that. Parents are taken.

But it's interesting, yeah, that this culture, it's an infinite regress. That's the fear. Like once you start censoring what people can say or getting them fired, they disappear, that's what's scary. So I want to go back, though, to New York. You're making people laugh at the bar. Yes.

How long does it take you to get back on stage? Oh, I did a show. I started working. I got hired at Grossinger Hotel in the Catskills as a bar boy for $1.20 an hour. Jesus, man. And my job was to just carry buckets of ice and stuff like that.

I was happy because, here's why, because the bar was called Pink Elephant Lounge, big, big, big bar. And then next door is a theater, like 2000. It's something I grew up performing in. So I'm going, if I just survive here, I can go in the break and watch comedians or singers. So it was like a school. I was like, yeah, I'm there.

And I was learning English at the same time. And little by little got promotion as a bartender. And that's where it was more one-on-one. I was able to talk to people. And my English got better. And then I got enough guts to go to the Booker for the theater. And I said, would you let me just do like a five minutes of jokes that I translated and tested on my customers

and all of that. What was your first set? Do you remember? I remember, first joke, that there was an exhibit of women underwear. And it was an international exhibit. And the American woman came and asked for a seven pair of underwear.

And they said, why do you need seven pairs? So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday are the week I need. And the French woman came over and she said, I need five pair of underwear. And they said, why? And she said, well, because Saturday and Sunday, my husband is home, so I don't need underwear.

And next was a Russian woman. And she asked for 12 pair of underwear. And they said, why? Well, January, February, March. I love it. I love it. So wait, they let you. They're like, yeah, go ahead and do it.

Like they know what they did there. There was a show that they did in the afternoon of what Simon says, a game with the older folks who, you know, so there would be like 100 people there playing Simon, Simon said. And they said, you can go before that, you know, guy. And he he'll introduce you and you can tell Joe a hot show. I was excited.

Right. And then the right in the middle of it, as I told one or two jokes and all of a sudden a woman in the back is like, and I thought she was laughing. She had seizures and people. This is how strange this people. They take her and they and they take her away. Are you sad that on deck?

Yeah, it was pretty amazing. Gosh, and they're taking her away. And and it was like one of those people come over and they hit me on the back and going, you killed. And I'm going, no, no, no, not killed. You know, yeah, yeah. So wait, so from there, though, are you are you even planning or thinking about Los Angeles?

Or I wasn't for a while. I moved to Miami for a while because the business ends in the Catskills like in the winter time. So everybody disagrees out. And your parents come with you? No, parents stayed in New York. And I started I've worked there. The manager from from Catskills were a manager there.

And he gave me a job as a short order cook, which makes no sense to me. And I mean, what's a hamburger? What's a red? What's medium? I mean, I'm thinking, oh, it's mustard on the on the medium rare, and the rare is just cat job, you know, so it's my mind.

So but I was I had a job. And then I get an offer. This was something that neighbors in New York helped me figure out how to make a resume. And they were asking me, what did you do? And I would say, you know, it was performing in cruise ships. So they helped me come up with the resume. And they took the initiative and send it out to different

cruise ship companies. So I get a phone call from my mom in New York saying, the Royal Caribbean wants you to come to get on the ship tonight. Tonight? Yeah, tonight. And it was like a dream come true. I mean, because I I associated the the fun time that I had with Hungarian girl and and and so I think I'm going

I'm going back on the cruise ship. So I saw I get I get there, but nobody interviewed me. They just that's a get on and and I get on. And then they realized that I don't speak very little English. And my job was assistant of cruise director in in entertaining like do a show, a staff show. And my job was to be in charge of people excursions, excursions, which I didn't even know what that meant.

Right. That's like once they got the jet skis for the day. I want to go or on the bus or get on the bus to go to some tour activity. Exactly. So I have a hunch that there are still people in St. Thomas somewhere looking for that bus because I send them the wrong way. But I lasted one week because they couldn't get rid of me before they brought me back to Miami.

Sure. That's the only reason. So they I got fired. My first job, you know, my job to be fired, but it's really because you're at that point, your lack of English, right? Exactly. Exactly. So I'm like really scared now. I got so I go back to New York, get a job in greeting greeting bell company, which was some Russian people were making at

home some ornaments for Christmas trees. And this American lady kind of organized all of this. So they were cheap labor and and she was doing real well. And so she hired me as a shipping manager. But then the season was over and she goes, I don't have really money to pay you. But maybe if you go to Los Angeles, I know somebody who knows somebody who is friends with producer, exactly

producer of trees company, which was at that time a huge show. Huge. So so I I go, yeah, yeah, I go. So I bought a ticket for 10 days and I had a plan. I'm going to go on to LA. I'm going to become a star and then I love it. And then I'll be back, you know, and I heard people making it overnight.

So I'm thinking I'll give myself 10 days just in case things don't go so well. Right. And so I go I go there and and I get I need to showcase for this guy. So I go to the comedy store and and the secretary gave me a spot and I was so excited. I'm going, oh, he's going to come.

And this is like day four. I'm ahead of schedule. I'm good. You know, he's going to come. He's going to tell me that I have a part in the series and everything will be great. And he didn't make it. He he left a message.

Can't make it. And I was like, by the way, that is still the reality of every time they're like, guess who's coming out to see your set. I think it's like every time they're like, it's the director, it's the president of this company. And then you're like, do they hear they're like, they couldn't make it tonight.

They actually forgot they didn't. OK, that's it. That's it. So so but I performed at the comedy. At the comedy store and did so. But didn't it see shore pass you? Yeah, well, she didn't pass me. But she sent her secretary, Chrissie.

I remember her name running after me to say that she liked me. And so Chrissie runs after me and she goes, Mitzi liked you. Congratulations. And I go, who is Mitzi? I had no idea. And she goes, she's the owner of the comedy store, goes to talk to her. So I go sit down and talk to her.

And she said, stay in Los Angeles. There is always place for good and different. And I'm going, I can't because my parents are in, you know, and I got to go back and she goes, come back tomorrow and see a regular show. And then you tell me. So I come back next day and I sit in the back of the original room and and first person on stage.

They introduced Robin Williams and second followed by Billy Crystal. And then after that prior showed up and then Leatherman. And it was like, and I'm sitting there. I'm saying I am ahead of schedule. I am already here. I made it. I it was just like one of those moments.

And so then I said to Mitzi, you know, I don't have a job. I don't know how I'm going to live here. And she goes, well, and your parents are in LA. And she goes, what does your dad do? I said, he was a building construction engineer. And said, if I give him a job as a carpenter, that would work for you, right? And I go, yeah.

So I moved my parents, my dad got a job as a carpenter. I was helping him for two years. And she and he was working for her for her from it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Building stuff, those booths, tables, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the stuff that you guys see at the comedy store. Your dad built my dad and me.

And then I took over because he wasn't really. He was older to, you know, to do certain things. And I so I stayed there for a long time. This was like one of my jobs was to go to her house, the Mrs. House, and put the doorknobs back on the doors that Paulie and Peter were taking off because they were smoking pot. And they didn't want her to walk in on them.

So they would just take off these doorknobs and throw them away. They didn't even store them anywhere. Throw them away. So my job was to go to the store, get new doorknobs, come back, put them on. It was a job security was there for me. Because they were not going to stop, you know.

This is like a daily occurrence? Once, a couple of times a week. Jesus. Yeah, yeah. That's where it is. Unbelievable. So you're going to the, your carpenter by day and then you're at the store like every night watching.

I'm watching. I'm watching. And then little by little, it gives me like a spot, the original. And then when Robin was casted in the movie, Mask on Hudson. That's my movie. That's the one I watched over and over with my dad.

And so, God damn it, I love that movie. He brought Paul Masurski and that's how I got the part. So it was like all organically evolving. What did that feel like? I had to feel it. Oh my goodness. I mean, it was like, again, my English was still pretty soft and it was 1981.

And I was making a major motion picture and then I got a part with Richard Pryor in Brewster's Millions. And then I, I mean, it was just like, yeah, I was like, and I actually thought it was happening to everybody. I mean, this is like, you know, you come here, you get the package, I did the movie with Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson and I'm like going, this is going to continue forever.

This is, you know. And then I get the White House calling and I'm performing for the president. And I mean, all of that was just like an American dream come true. I never expected anything like that. But I thought, well, I guess that's a normal thing. Yeah, yeah.

And then the Soviet Union collapsed. Right. Shit. I did not see the writing on the Berlin Wall at all. And so all of a sudden I'm like, I'm realizing there's, Leatherman has a top 10 list on the night of the collapse. And I make number one on the list. Yakov Smirnov will be out of work.

What? Yeah. And I thought it was funny. I'm going, I'm still funny. What's going to happen? Nothing. Six months later, none of my contracts in Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno, Tahoe were renewed.

None. And I couldn't find a spot. Even clubs, people just kind of turned me off. And I realized later on what happened, I was meeting their need. I was like an aspirin from a headache of the Soviet Union. The headache goes away. They put an aspirin back on the shelf

and you don't need it anymore. Wow. So I was desperate. I mean, we had two little kids, my wife and I, and no income. And we live in Pacific Palisades and we can't afford the mortgage. So I started looking for a place

where people did not know that the Soviet Union collapsed. So that's really your thought. Well, there was no other, where else am I going to go? Brilliant. So Branson, Missouri, they still don't know. They still, and I'm not telling. Don't tell. Yeah, no, no.

So I've had this theater now, 2000 theater for 25 years. So you went, you saw a theater there or you built one? No, I rented one for a while because the money was short but then later I bought it. And I entertained over four and a half million people since I got there. What?

It's amazing. And what a brilliant idea. And is it putting on shows all the time? Yeah, well, like I'm going to Branson October nine, well, I start October 11 and do like two months back-to-back 58 shows. What? Yeah, 58 shows and they were already pre-sold

and so I just walk out and it's like, it's my place, you know? And then how, but I mean like when you're not there, the theater. I, there's like, Acrobats of China was there. There was like Illusion show. So it's still working as a theater, but when I go back. But they still know Russians are bad and then here's, here's this guy.

Actually, they embrace me more for, I think American success story more than- Yeah, that's a great, that's a great angle. Coming, coming from and saying- Do other comics pass through there? Jim Stafford, he was there before I was there and then several tried to like David Brenner tried to get in there, but it's a very specific market.

Where is Branson? Branson is in Missouri. Well, yeah. It's in the middle of the, it's like four hours from St. Louis and from Kansas City. So it's right in the center. Right in the middle of the middle of the buckle belt. You know, oh wow.

But it kind of makes sense. I mean, what kind of material are you doing in Branson? Very similar to, I had to soften it a little bit. To Russian. I mean, similar to, I mean, I imagine it because the Midwest can be very conservative. So it kind of goes back to your initial training as a standup in some way.

Yes, you're absolutely right. Right? Like you can't know sex, no religion, no politics. Let's just tell these easy jokes. Not easy, but definitely not easy. Not easy. I'm saying nobody's gonna storm out offended because you're talking about the president or something.

100%. Oh wow. 100%. And I, but I was ready for that. That was trained for since I was- Here's a clip of you from your most recent show. I'm looking for girls for posterity. I'm sorry, that's the wrong, I'm sorry.

Wow. Now you've seen some wild shit in your day. Yes, I have. Have you ever seen anything like this? Oh, come on. What is that? A bull. A crane.

They got upset. A bull went after the lady who wore a red dress. Yeah, and then, but they look, they're like, all right, knock it off, man. Get out of here. Holy cow. What a country. What a country.

Wow. Yeah, we just don't know exactly what country, but we're assuming it's, I don't know. It looked Eastern, right? It did. Oh yeah, it's definitely. Yeah, the bulls don't-

You think it's our tribe or is it Asian Eastern, you mean? Mongolian maybe, I don't know. I need to look at the bull one more time, just to know which tribe. Do you want to watch more, though? No, no, no. No, no, it's fine. I don't think Yakov shares your joy in this clip.

Different country. Yes, thank you for sharing that with me. I've been- I was wondering how good my life was up till now. I really are grateful, yeah. May I ask you a stupid question? Yeah. Obviously the Smirnoff, this is a joke, right?

It's not your real Russian God given. Correct, correct. Because you knew Americans knew Smirnoff. I worked in a bar. Oh, that's right, oh my gosh. I knew, and I had the name tag Yakov, right? And they would say, where are you from? And I tell them from Ukraine, and they go,

oh, so what's your last name? And my last name is Pokhys. And they go, hmm, okay, can I have some Smirnoff? And I was like, little by little, was like, okay, I think they're telling me something. That's also very smart, it's very clever. And I tell a joke about coming out of the airport, and I see my name written, big letters.

America loves Smirnoff. What a country. What a country. What a country. Here's another one for you. Oh boy. Oh, shit. You remember this one?

He's okay, he's okay. He's okay. Wow. We checked. He had to be drunk on this, his mind, right? I think it's more just birth shit. It's just his brain chemistry, possible, possible. But it's interesting that the building is like,

yeah, it doesn't move America. Ah, ah, ah. Ah. Ah, what, what? Ah, ah, ah. Can you? He's not laughing. Neither am I, that's cool.

Well, we like geography. Do you know what country this is? Oh man, I, well it had to be Asian, because the guy who was screaming looked Asian, but it could have been, but it could have been in East Los Angeles. That's true. That's true.

That's true. It's a, it's Taiwan, it's Taiwan. Okay. We respect the one China policy, but this is Taiwan. May I ask him some other relevant questions? Sure. Have you been back to Odessa since you left? I have, I actually, I married my second marriage.

I married the girl from Ukraine and. Did you know that Gary and Che come? Oh wow. I think she was more ditching me than, yeah. Ah. I think about my second wife all the time. What did you, did you. Time is first wife.

What do you think? 20 year old yoga instructor? Yeah, what should I look for? Bimbo. I'm not getting into this, guys. I feel like. Your deal. I feel like.

And I feel like I'm that guy, but I want getting his, yeah, yeah, no, no, don't get me into this. No, thanks. He's dead. Oh, no, no, he just got me. Okay, what? His legs weren't even shattered. Isn't that amazing?

Okay. What was that? That, what happened? Oh, a car hit him. Smashed his legs. You didn't see that part? I did not. Let's go back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, let's not. Have you met Mikhail Broshnikov? You friends with him? I did not. Never. Well, no, I've been, I was sworn in. Yeah.

I was sworn in at the same day as he was sworn in. Oh, that's so cool. At the Statue of Liberty ceremonies. Yeah. But I didn't mean him. Yeah, he was. Yeah, I feel like you could be buddies. Here, look, look, look.

It's a car backing up into the garage. Yeah, yeah. Do you see that reaction? It's normal. Oh, sympathy. Oh, that's not. He thinks it's funny. He's a sociopath.

No, I'm not. Serial killer. Psycho. You know what I'm so struck by you is I had no idea how resilient you are. And I think that is the mark of the immigrant mentality. I love it. I mean, you were a cook, started your own theater

when Soviet Union collapse. Pretty amazing. Yeah. It's pretty fucking amazing what you did. There's like a real entrepreneurial spirit to like what you did, especially that, that figuring out like, I got to go somewhere now and targeting Branson. I think you're right.

And then when Branson fell like about four and a half, five years ago, when I felt like, OK, I have learned a lot here. I was able to develop a lot of material. But my material shifted because after I went for a divorce, it was really difficult because I remember having my kids with me for a first time. And I was reading my daughter a book, a fairy tale,

and it ended, you know, and she was going to bed and I'm reading her bedtime story. And it ended with, and they lived happily ever after. And she goes, daddy, so why didn't you and mommy live happily ever after? And I came up with a great answer. I said, go to sleep. But I couldn't sleep, right?

I literally took this on as you noticed about me surviving and going, OK, where can we go? Let's go to Branson. This time, I went inside and realizing me. I'm going, I can't blame her for everything. Obviously, I didn't know something as well. So I went back to college. I went to the University of Pennsylvania.

Got my master's degree in psychology. Then became professor at Missouri State University teaching a course on happiness and laughter. Because I really, yeah. And then at last, this May 18, I graduated with my doctorate degree from Pepperdine University. I love it. So what?

I love it. This is legit. I told you, I brought you some. So this is my dissertation. Get the heck out. I started in 90 pages of, and it's a law of laughter, L-O-L. That was my, why does laughter? Here's what sent me on this quest.

Because in the beginning of the relationship, everybody's laughing. And I start asking people in my theater, I said, would you go on the second date if you didn't have laughter in the first date? And nobody. I asked them to clap. Nobody clapped.

4 and 1 half million people. I'm going, there's something there about laughter that we recognize that this might be the right person. It's not the only criteria, but it's a big one. It's so true. Yeah. And then so what I start seeing, I'm going, so laughter is there in the beginning as a sign.

And then intimacy is next. And then you move in together, live, marry, whatever. And then when things don't go well, it's the reverse. It's like laughter goes first. Second thing is intimacy. Third thing is your house. So I needed to go to get master's degree and doctor's degree to understand why does it happen to people

and what attracts people and what repels people. And so I developed a lot of things during my studying. This is something I'll show you. I haven't shown it. I think Tom's fond of this. What's that? Is that a nuttugger? No.

I'll show you. Do you have a way to show it here, right on this table? I think do it in your hands. Yeah, if you hold it up to your face. OK, so it's not as good as, OK. So you have two side, two magnets equal. They're all the same. And so one says, give and receive on one side.

The other one says, give and receive on the other side. So when they're opposite, when one person is giving, the other person is receiving, they're solid. And then they reverse this process. But when the honeymoon, and this process happens during the honeymoon stage, all the hormones that are given to us, dopamine and oxytocin and serotonin, all of those make us give the right thing to the right person.

And then they receive it, and they give back. And it's wonderful. And then it lasts about a year. That's what the science has now proven, the last year. So then they start giving, but they don't know what. And this is why I said. Right, it's repelling. They started repelling.

They started repelling. So then people block themselves. They create their own lives. And they create laughter with other people. And then they no longer repell. So if you understand this, and this is what helped me, and this is why I'm so happy in my marriage now, because she saw this, and she fell in love with this concept.

And it helped us to understand what to give or to receive. Look at you. I like that. So what is your advice for, because I love relationship stuff too, is it really to stay aware of the fact that you need to give and receive? Awareness is great. So the formula that came out in this dissertation

was three elements that will ensure laughter continues. Number one, you have to be complementary opposite, which this society is doing everything to make us the same. Well, there's no gender. We know that, right? Yeah. My wife. What's your identity?

My wife, she goes to Santa Monica College to learn English. And so she wanted to take another course, and they asked her to fill out this application. And Norma Lam dare to help her, but I wasn't. And she calls me, and she goes, it says gender, but it has six different things. Which one am I? And to her, it was like, I was looking for something

that says normal, but there is no such thing. So the complementary is opposite. Number one, number two, understanding the needs of the person. Now, in the beginning, we're giving this free introductory offer during the honeymoon stage. And then we got to pay full price. So conscious understanding of what is it that she is expecting?

What is it that you're expecting? And it's totally different for her than for you. And I was researching all of this, and it was like, wow, once people know it, they have a shot. They have a shot. And there are books on this. And so this dissertation was, once you understand those, you can go by the numbers.

You go, OK, she needs affection, conversation. Open in honesty there. She's nodding, you know. So much affection. I'm very affectionate. But he needs. Sandwiches, blowjobs, check, check, scratches. Not in that order, right?

Not in that order. So understanding. And then the third element? And the third element is shared sense of humor. 100%. But that happens pretty much immediately. And you just need to sustain it, but it happens immediately. So those two first ones, complementary opposites,

and understanding the needs of the other person, would solve 90% of the problems. Wow. I feel like if I show that to my potential second wife, it's a great teaching tool. And I could be like, see how this works. I can see why your show is popular. You know, I will say, I knew Tom was the one for me

when we watched this documentary about Timothy Treadwell, the guy who likes to camp with grizzly bears. It was called Grizzly Man. And it was a sad scene, I think, where he's getting mauled by a bear. And you see that? And both Tom and I are the only two assholes laughing. No, I'll tell you.

I'll tell you exactly who it was. And I was like, this is the guy for me. This was the scene. This was the scene. It's a documentary Werner Herzog did about the guy who lived with bears, and he was eventually killed by a bear. And there was one scene where there was a pilot

who said that he goes normally up in Alaska. I take people here and there. This guy hired me to drop him off in bear country during the most active bear hunting season. Like when bears are forging for food, he goes, I thought the guy was a little funny in the head. And everybody in the theater was like, oh. And then we were like, ah, laughing.

A couple of people turned and looked. But that's when I knew we had something special. Yes. And that's why I know why you have those clips. Yes. Yeah, the more pain, the better. The better. Yeah, I mean, that bear guy, I mean, he wasn't smart.

But the second wife, you guys have a shared sense of humor? Yes. Yeah. I feel like this was a home run. And she makes me laugh as well as I'm making her laugh. And you're aware of her needs. Very much so. That's huge.

And I think wanting to keep up with somebody else's needs. It's the want to please. Choosing to become, yes, that person. That took me 20 years, literally, from when I got divorced to when I met her. 20 years. I was dating different people. I was going, we're not complementary opposites.

I mean, I knew all of this already. But I couldn't find the person. Complimentary opposites. Explain that again. What is complementary opposites? It's like when you give, she receives. Oh, I got you. And when she gives, you receive.

That's complementary opposites. That's complementary opposites. And what you give is what she needs or what you need. That's the. And that's it. It's that simple. I like it. But the commitment to that is not simple.

To say, I'm taking full responsibility of doing this for the rest of my life. This is what I'm going to provide for us. And that's really the essence of a good relationship is personal responsibility. Instead of blaming your spouse for your unhappiness, I see, because I do, my parents, I think, did that. Like, they were so angry inside themselves,

and they would lash out at the other person. Like, this motherfucker, he's doing everything wrong. It's like, yeah, but that's not him. You bitch, what are you doing? Make yourself, get your shit right, and then you can take care of other people. Yeah, it's not easy for people. They see it a lot easier somewhere else.

To pick on, and to pick on, and then they have affairs, and they think, well, the next one's going to be easier. It's like, it's the same, you're just picking the same people, usually. Yes, and I'll tell your partner what you need. Fuck with my ass, man. You know? Oh, yeah.

What do you need, Tom? What are your needs? You know what my needs are. You do. She just lists them, yeah. Football sandwiches, DJ, nuttugger. Admiration. And then yours, yeah.

Admiration, I think, and I like that word. Admiration, it's more than, or I actually, adoration. I adore Tom Segura. Adore an admirer. But I think adoration is different than admiring. You think so? Yes. Big time for a man.

Oh, that's interesting. Men need admiration more than women need admiration. Way bigger, true. Yeah, way bigger. And what does that mean exactly? So explain to the women listening. To recognize that you need to find something that you admire, whether he's a great dad,

whether he's a great provider, whether he's funny, whatever those things are. And sometimes it's kind of slim pickings because, you know, you're mad at each other. You're a piece of shit. It's hard to admire that. But having an exercise of saying, I really appreciate it and admire you for it.

Why do you think, though? Because I've always thought that before you even articulated that men have the need for admiration more than women have that. You know, not that it's not existing the other way, but why do you feel like men need it? I think it was building into our DNA in terms of, like, we were stronger species

who was able to go and risk their lives to get a killer bear or be eaten by a bear or whatever. And the admiration of a woman saying, you kept us alive. Oh, it's like fuel. Yeah, and that made him go back to the same thing. Yeah, and wars was the same thing. It's appreciation for the sacrifice.

And those parades and all of those things that were metals, all of those things were designed to feed that ego. But if you see it as healthy and saying, this man is a good man and he wants to give me and the family something great, I'm gonna find some wonderful words and actions. As my son was visiting yesterday and he's 26 and my wife was so adorable.

I gave her a nice birthday card that I designed and a poem and stuff like that. And she was showing it off to him saying, look what your dad did and it was just like, oh, this was like, oh, totally. Well, it's like mommy's, I mean, I hate to be too Freudian, but it is, it's mommy's initial approval, right?

It's the gaze of the approving woman, you know? I don't know. I tie it back to like, I love my sons and I'd hope that one day my sons will marry a woman who admires them the way, you know what I mean? Like they look at them lovingly the way I do, not with disdain or you want a woman who will be like, this guy's the best.

Absolutely. And I would hold out for, I held out for 20 years. I was, you know, basically said, no, no, until I felt that this woman, and she fell in love when she saw this and she just went, there's brilliance in here. And that immediately gave me that sense of being admired and I was be able to share something

that she found valuable. And it's like, wow. And what's interesting too is women, somebody listened to this, Michael, oh, that's so old school, that's so 1950s. Yeah, but you have to understand too that the woman holds a lot of power. There's a lot of power in that.

Huge, huge. And if women, look, I know this is old school as fuck, but we're the center of the home, the woman, the mother. No doubt. And if mommy's not happy, nobody else is happy. And if mom isn't doing this stuff, it's like the whole fucking world falls apart. The whole ecosystem falls apart, yeah.

It's a big responsibility. But this society also devalued that. Yes. It's a big time. We're all the same now, right? Yeah, it made, so what do you do for a living? It used to be, you know, what's your family like? You know, and now it's like, no, what do you do?

What do you do? And men are lost at this society. They don't know what to do. That's why the suicide rate is so huge in all of those opioids and all of those things happening because men have not been given attention for the last 50 years, really. Women have been, and they succeeded tremendously,

but man kind of was left in the dust and they don't know what to do. We don't know how to adjust yet. We don't know what the roles are just yet. And so it's hard for a man to be admired for something when he's a child, an overgrown child. Right. And so the wife feels like she's a mother to him.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And that totally destroys his self-esteem, everything. That's a bad one too. You don't want to be a mother to your husband. I never would have expected that such great insight into relationships and human behavior would come from Yakov's mirror. I know.

I'm serious, man. It's like, it's fascinating. It's really interesting. Thank you. You have to come back and talk about this again next time. But you know what? It came from laughter. It's what we do, right?

But when we're on stage, we're listening very, very carefully for that laughter. If it doesn't happen, we get off stage and we're thinking, you know what? I could have said this or I could have said that. That laughter in a relationship is your gauge. Yeah. 100%.

And if you keep laughing, everything's great. That's true. But the laughter goes away. It's a first signal. It's like having a mammogram or something. You check laughter and see, am I needing some attention to this? And if I do go back to those three things,

sense of humor we have, so now what do I need to do? I need to become complimentary opposite and I need to know what her or his needs are. It's fascinating stuff. Your whole story is amazing. I would love for you to come back and talk all about relationships. I'd be happy to.

So anybody, anything that you want to tell people where they can see you or anything coming up? They can see me. I don't know, where do you air this? Is it airs right away? No, it'll be, yeah. Okay, so probably Branson at my theater, Yakov Smirnov Theater,

and I'd be there from October 11th to December 7th. And yakov.com, YAKOV.com. And then on social media, it's yakov underscore Smirnov. And I feel silly promoting that because, you know, I'm going to be followed. And in the Soviet Union, that's the last thing I wanted. So find me on social media and you can follow me.

Yakov, thanks so much for coming. Thank you so much. My pleasure. Thank you guys for listening, for watching. We'll see you in another week. Ta-ta, they're returned. Okay. Okay.

Welcome to the Lucifer's Lair. Oh, guess what? Are you all on my duty by now? Oh, guess what? I come over and fuck the shit out of me. Oh, guess what? I come over and fuck the shit out of me. Oh, guess what?

Let's get down with breast tax. Oh. Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh. Uh oh.

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