Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 525-Judd Apatow & Brian Simpson-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 14, 2019

We got some special guests for you on this one, jeans! Judd Apatow is in the MommyDome and he's brought his friend, comedian Wayne Federman! Judd Apatow is a comedian who has become a mogul as a television/film producer and writer. He's most recently been working on the Pete Davidson movie and gives us some stories from the set, including Bill Burr stories. After reminiscing about Judd's life for a bit, we show Judd some audition tapes from our Cool Guys to see which one he would cast in a film. We also play a few rounds of Horrible or Hilarious to see what Judd thinks. Brian Simpson is a hilarious comedian who you may have seen at The World Famous Comedy Store or on Lights Out with David Spade. Brian grew up in foster care and found himself getting into a lot of trouble, including shooting a person (on accident.) Brian then found his way into the Marine Corps which turned things around. Brian also helps us get to the bottom of SooWoo and gives some advice to listeners who have recently sent in emails to Tom and Christina.

Hello, mommies. It's me, the water champ, the personality champ, the holding it down champ, as my sweet love Tom is out on the road. He currently, I think he's in Jewdork titties right now, and he has been working so hard this month, and he's got some dates I'm going to read now. Okay, Charlotte, North Carolina on the 13th of November, and then the 14th, he's in Pensacola, and then the 15th, Lake Charles, Louisiana, Austin sold out, forget it, the 29th, the day after Thanksgiving around there in Melbourne, Florida, and then the 30th, Miami, and then December 5th, Erie, Pennsylvania, the 6th, oh that's sold out, forget that one, okay, Columbus on the 6th of December, let's go up, and Windsor, Ontario, December 8th, my birthplace,

and that's it, the end of the year on the 28th of December in Honolulu, Hawaii, and on the 29th, Kaluhalihalahalah, I don't know how to say it, Kahoo-lui, Hawaii. I'm sorry, I am sorry, I know your home is more beautiful than anything I can ever imagine, and then 2020, there's a million dates, let's not even go there, he's doing a residency in Vegas, he is just everywhere, and I love him so much, and I miss him, and I know you guys do too, but we've got a killer episode for you, which I'll get into, okay, and then my dates, through the end of the year, I'm at Flappers and Burbank in the Yuhu room, I'm doing my residency every Thursday, tickets go really fast, it's just intimate 50 or so people,

Seattle, Portland, almost completely gone, and then Burbank, and then 2020, I've got dates in Houston, January 30th, February 14th, that's Valentine's Day in Tampa, the Tampa improv, March 13th through 14th, Miami improv, March 26th through 28th, Dallas at the Addison improv, April 34th, Jewdork titties, Caroline's Comedy Club, April 24th and 25th, Des Moines, Des Moines, Iowa at the Funny Bone, and then June 12th and 13th, Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live, Tickets at Christina P on Line, there you go, so much, we have so much for you in this episode, so excited, we have Judd Apatow coming in, and Wayne Federman, his buddy as well, and we had so much fun talking to him, you guys all know him, he's a very famous director, stand-up comedian,

I mean what hasn't he done, he's kind of amazing, so enjoy this episode, and I'll see you soon, bye mommy. All right, we're here, this is called a set, I don't know if you've ever been on a set before, these are lights. Well part of it is real, and part of it is like not finished. Yeah, well that's the whole vibe we're going for, we want it to be real and not finished, people won't see that side, they'll never see it, they'll never see it, you just revealed the biggest secret we have, it's like the Wizard of Oz when you see the set, you're like oh, I don't know if you like our colors, but we are sponsored by Morton Steakhouse, and I can get you, I can get you like a discount on an appetizer if you want, but only at certain locations. I thought it was like a Ruth Chrisfield one.

Wow, yeah, Judd Apatow and Wayne Federman are joining us today, you've always got a dozen or so projects going on, you just got back from New York, you were directing the new Pete Davidson, I was, I was directing a new Pete Davidson movie, well there isn't another one. Right, you're directing the Pete Davidson movie, which also stars Bill Burr. Never heard of him? Never heard of him. What does he play in the movie? He plays a whimsical fairy, he plays a fireman who is a dating Pete's mom. Got you, that's this is when Bill was rocking the mustache for a while. Yes, because he's a fireman, a lot of the firemen wear mustaches, so Bill for many months had to wear a very specific kind of large mustache. It seemed appropriate, I mean he looked like, it looked like it fit him, you know

what I mean, sometimes you see someone in a mustache, you're like you really look like shit man, you needed, but like his actually kind of vibe with him, oh he posted some like photos and stuff and because I feel like if he weren't a comedian, he might be a firefighter. He might be, yeah, he fit in, the fireman just took to him, they loved him, because we had a lot of the firemen in the movie are currently firemen, some of them also act and then they love Bill, look good, looks ridiculous, and he's clean shaven, which I think is also part of the effect, he looks like such a fucking psycho, he really does. He's not the guy you want dating your mom, that's the premise of the film, what if Bill Kerr in this character dated my mom. And Pete, this is a, you know,

this is like, Pete is playing a version of himself right in the film? Pete is, I guess playing a version of Pete if he never found comedy. Got you. And he was just sleeping in his, you know, this same old room and he never moved out of his mother's house. And Pete by the way, I feel like Pete, I've known Pete for a while now, I feel like he's still, I don't know, 19, like he doesn't age for some reason, like it's like been six years and I'm like, are you still 20? Like how old is he now? I think he's 25 or 26. See, that just, I don't know, you just change that for me. Every time I see him, I'm like, are you still in high school or something? Because when we were working on Trainwreck, before we shot, Amy Schumer was like, you have to meet this kid, it's so weird that

he's 19 years old. Yeah. And it's so funny. Yeah, it is. And you know, we threw him a line or two in the movie. And for me, sometimes I think, it'd be fun to put Pete in the movie for a line or two, because if he does become a gigantic world famous comedian, I look so cool for having noticed. Yes. It's like Richard Dreyfuss in The Graduate. Yeah, yeah. And then we started, you know, kicking around the idea of what would a Pete movie look like? That's cool, man. And now, five years later, here we are. Yeah, no, I think I saw him five years, I did, I did oddball like five years ago, that big amphitheater tour. And he did a few dates. And he was like, I guess 20, I was like, this guy's 20. And he destroyed. It was, I was like, oh, okay, I guess some people are good

when they're 20. I know, it's very rare, the 20 year olds who actually can do it. You know, there's Bob Goldfoy, Eddie Murphy, 18, 19 year old was murdering. And Bill Hicks, who started at like 13 or something. I mean, God damn it. I think Chappelle was pretty good young too. Chappelle started at 14. Yeah. Yeah, he has got chops. Just a handful of them. I know who know who they are. Yeah, very young. I remember seeing Michael Chey and I think instantly. Yeah, he knew who he was. Yeah. And it was hysterical, very fast from the moment like he started. That's true. You know what he had really young too? It's very rare and stand up is he, he's like, was a young guy who didn't care if people didn't like him, which is like,

you find that like it takes a long time to go. It's not that you're trying to be provocative, but if you go like, I'm these, these is my point of view. These are my jokes. And if you don't like it, like I don't care. Most of when you're 20, you're like, please just like me, you know. Oh man, I would be in the bathroom with governors on Long Island before every sad, just sick. Yeah. I was so, well, I also was terrible. So I knew it was going to go bad. Yeah. It wasn't like, this might go well. No, this isn't going to go very badly. I'm just going to walk into a buzz all right now. I'm always fascinated by your relationship with stand up in that basically every comedian, their thing is like, how can I get out of stand up and like do what Jud does?

Like that's everyone. They're just like, I just got to stop doing this fucking bullshit. And then you have reached the like penultimate levels of success in Hollywood and you're like, got to get a spot in tonight. I think I break him back into prison. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of, it's really fascinating. Well, I think that, you know, obviously stand up has been the thing I love more than anything since I was a kid. Yeah. I just was drawn away from it just by other work. Yeah. And also, you know, by the fact that, you know, when I started, I really wasn't that good at it. I did okay, but people were amazing. No, but you're playing it down though. I mean, like you had success. You were on the HBO Young Comedians special. You're doing gigs. I did some

Dennis Millers. Yeah, I got to admit it. You were working comic, man. Yeah. But like, do you remember the first time because like, I think it is really interesting that you are, you know, you're working as a comic and then I guess you probably have a writing job and then you realize getting further away from stand up and leaning more towards this? Well, I would write for other comedians because I noticed something very early, which is no one wanted to write for other comedians. So there were tons of comedians. They all needed jokes. I needed money. And the people I was friends with, like Sandler and Spade, they weren't going to write a joke for someone else. I mean, the idea that Adam Sandler would

sit with his pen and pad and take some money to write a joke, you know, for someone else. I mean, it was ridiculous. But I was like, this is the best thing ever. I can make so much money. You loved it. Doing it. And I liked hanging around with the comedians. So I would, you know, spend time with George Wallace or Taylor Negron and, you know, make a few hundred dollars kicking things around. I couldn't believe you could get paid for that. Yeah. I'm going to go hang out with Taylor Negron and kick around jokes. And he's going to write me a check. So you guys would riff stuff together and then like here's some here's a check.

Yeah. And sometimes, you know, George Wallace is like, John, I only do two kinds of jokes. Stupid shit and things I don't understand. And sometimes what if I were president? And I wrote him a bunch of jokes. Me and my friend Joel Madison wrote some jokes for Jeff Dunham's new old man puppet. And so that was the beginning of just paying my rent. Right. And then it just turned into writing for Tom Arnold, which led to writing for Roseanne. And then some of the series or her stand-up could never get on the show. So I would write her act with her. What? I did not know that. I'd go to her house on Sunday and she'd be like in her bathrobe and we'd sit at her kitchen table and write jokes. Yeah. But I'm like 21 years old

really? Like Stretch Mark jokes with Roseanne. That's like it. And wait, did you want to write on her show? Was that a thing? Oh, yeah. So that was disappointing. You couldn't get on it? I never got on anyone's show. Like I would write sketches for and Living Color with Jim Carrey. What? And then he would get me the meeting to meet with Keenan to be on staff because he'd pay me out of his own pocket and I just wouldn't get the gig. Sandler got SNL. I'm like, I'm going to write for SNL and then I would never get the gig. What do you think it is? I don't know. And then I, you know, I'm going to say personality. I may be bad in a meeting. And then I met Ben Stiller and we came up with the Ben Stiller show, but I had been rejected by every show on television in every

capacity. And then just because people wanted Ben to do a show and Ben wasn't smart enough to know that I hadn't done a show, suddenly I'm like running his show with zero experience. Like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just like watching Ben. And people didn't really notice that you're inexperienced right away, right? Like they don't put it together. I assume Bob Odenkirk noticed. He was the best sketch writer in the world. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, I had done some HBO specials with people. I hadn't run an ongoing concern. And then I just didn't have time to do stand-up because the Ben Stiller show was just all. But it must be immensely satisfying that you had like all these meetings that they're like, no, thanks. And now you can just call a meeting and just be, you know,

do whatever you want. Yes, because I knew what I did is I wrote an episode of The Simpsons. Yeah. And I wrote an episode of Get a Life. And that was my samples. So they didn't ask for it. That's how you would try to get a job on staff. And so it was the first season of The Simpsons. And I, oh, all right, this show seems like it might work. And I wrote an episode and I didn't get anything. I got one meeting. So say there's 50 shows on TV. Yeah. I got one meeting out of those 50 shows and Bruce rejected by that show. Get a life. I love that show. And I only got a meeting. I think Shanling made them meet with me. Really? And then we did the Ben Stiller show. Then when that ended, Gary was doing Larry Sanders and he said, do you want to

jump on here? And then I did a show called The Critic, which was some of The Simpsons guy's recent G created a show with John Lovitz. Oh, right. The Critic. That's right. And then so many comics would guest on that show. That was how that right? Yes. Yeah. And so, and then I'm like, I guess the world wants me to write because I'm getting paid all this money to write. Yeah. And or I could middle in Tempe for the improv. Yeah. Which also pays great. Yeah. It pays the same as when you were doing the same money. Same health benefits. Yeah. It's really cool. Still no travel. Still no travel. Yeah. I imagine it's harder to go back to stand up having had all the success you've had than starting anew. You know what I mean? Like going,

did you ever, sorry, did you keep doing stand up as you were writing for the people or had you kind of stopped? No, I stopped. I just totally stopped. So that's got to be terrifying because now you've lost the muscle. Sure. And I always wanted to do it. So when I would have movies come out, I was, I would go on Leno and Conan and that was my stand up would be to try to write decent jokes for that. And occasionally I would, you know, host something, but I wasn't doing it. And then when we did train wreck, Amy was doing tons of stand up. And honestly, I just got jealous. I just thought, she sounds like she's having so much fun. Yeah. And every time she would come back from the road, she's like, now I'm playing 2000 Cedars. And three months later, we'd be working

on, you know, on the movie. She's like, I'm playing 4000 Cedars. And like, this sounds like like a great fun thing to do. So we were in New York and she would play the cellar. And I said, you know, I'm going to go up one night just to make you laugh because it won't go well. But just as a joke for Amy, I'm going to go throw something together to make you laugh. And I didn't know that Estee, the booker was watching and the club was watching. I was only doing it for Amy for Amy, hoping it would go badly. And I just told some old story and it went well. And then the comedy sellers like, Hey, if you want to come in and do spots, you can. And then I was like, wait, no one's ever said that to me in my whole life. I mean,

how many years I begged bud Freeman to give me a spot. No one's ever made it easy. And so I just took advantage of it. And what's your approach now? Because you are, you're so known, like those first few spots going back. What's your angle? You know, because here's a guy that has everything like you can't be like, I'm just a shlubby guy, like you're not trying to get laid. You're not a loser. Let me tell you how much not a loser Judd is. When we were in Montreal, like a year ago, a bunch of us are in the green room, like comparing watches. We're like, check out this watch and check out this one. We're like, what about you, Judd? He's like, I did the watch thing a while ago. Kind of over that. All right. And then everyone's like, yeah, Judd, Judd probably got over the

watch. Yeah, he's like, he's like, you guys just got money. That's cool. So that was a funny green room moment. There was a lot of amazing comedians in one spot in Montreal. I have a photo of it. Oh, really? Yeah. Because like Russell was there. I forget who else was in the room. I generally just try to think of it as, I'm just being honest about what my world is, which is marriage, kids, and I'm happy to tell weird show business stories. I just try to go, well, this is what it is. And if you've seen any of the movies or anything and you're interested, I might tell you a story. There's definitely like name-dropping stories. Like people give me shit because like I was telling the story about meeting Beyonce,

but it was like a funny story where things went wrong. And I'm like, well, I can tell that story because I take the brunt of it because it goes so terribly wrong. But every time I do it, someone just like, oh, Judd with this meeting Beyonce story. Well, because your reality is different than the average. Beyonce every day. Every day. Back to the house. There's Beyonce. No, I love a good show business story. Now, you have to be careful when you're in in Hollywood, you know, you can't badmouth people, right? Because it's like, you know, you're that's part of your environment. But how comfortable do you feel saying that Steven Segal is a piece of shit? Are you down with that? Well, he he's a lethal weapon. His hands are lethal weapons.

So it's really about my personal fear of the violent confrontation. There's a lot of garbage stories about him. And I was also I auditioned for him once and he made me do some things I'm proud of. So I'm delicate. Now, did you guys meet on the road years ago? Is that how? No. Not at all. How do you mean? Wayne knows the story. Well, according to Judd. No, this is what happened was what Judd was going to USC. And I believe it was one of his first days here. Is that right? I literally could have been the day I moved to Los Angeles. Really? Yeah, from New York. And I was out on kind of a fact finding tour. I had not moved. And we met outside the LAF factory. 1985 when the LAF factory was the size of this room. Yeah, we met in 1985.

He was a freshman there. They want you to be closer than Mike. I can. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Sorry. So I met in 1985. When you have a podcast, you should know these rules. Now I know how to do it. And and then we and Judd, believe it or not, this is insane, was like, I'm at USC. I think I'm booking a show there and I'd like you to be on it. So it could have been your first day there. That was later. I found out it was a great way to embezzle money from USC, which is I realized that I could book the comedy shows at USC, even though I wasn't really a comedian. I'd done it like five or six times and they and there was so much money at the college that they're like, okay, what do you need? You want five thousand dollars to do a night at USC? I'm like, I'm going to pay

myself five hundred dollars. Yeah. So I host a show and so one show was Wayne and Kevin Nieland. I love Kevin Nieland. Pre-SNL, Kevin Nieland. So funny. And it was the day the shuttle exploded. January 28, 1986, right? A hilarious day in our history. Exactly. Now I'm so young. I'm so young. I don't know that the appropriate thing to do is cancel the show. Yeah. So I don't cancel the show because I'm so excited. It's like Pearl Harbor of the 80s. There's an episode of Glow where this happens. Yeah. It's literally the saddest day in American history up until that point. And so everyone's watching it on TV. Yeah. Pearl Harbor where you would hear the news and see the footage. And people are watching it happen. All day. And so Wayne shows up and he's like, I guess

we're doing this. And it's a 1200 seat theater, Beauvard at USC. Nobody shows up. I mean, maybe like a hundred people showed up. And so Kevin Nieland arrives and he's like, hey, how's it going? And it is Kevin Mote. I'm like, hey, man, I'm sorry about, you know, the crowd size because what happened? And he's like, what happened? No. And I'm like, well, did you hear what happened with the shuttle? And he makes me explain the shuttle disaster to him. But he's just pulling my leg. He obviously knows, but I'm 18 years old. I don't know that he's just joking around with me. And I explain the shuttle disaster to him. It's like, oh, it's like, that's terrible. That's terrible. Classic Nieland. Nieland's so funny. So that's it. So that's how we met and

and remain friends ever since, I guess. Wayne played Larry Sanders' brother on the Larry Sanders show. And it's been in a lot of the movies and things. And we're the last two standing from 1985. Wow. From the USC shuttle show. From the shuttle show. Yeah, a lot of the guys that made it out. Tommy Sledge was on that show. Okay. I don't know if you remember Tommy Sledge. He did his whole act in a 40s detective outfit and would speak like a Dashel Hammett detective. Standup has never been bigger, right? Than it is right now. It is so big right now. It actually, you know, I was saying like people are trying to get out. But the truth is like, I think some people view it no longer as a stepping, like as a goal job, right?

Murphy wants in. He wants in. But you know what you don't really see as much anymore? Are the the comics taken those like characters? Yeah, I don't see it. You don't really see there's no Bruce Baby man bound right breaking into the industry. And I always talk about this. I love that there was, you know, people breaking watermelons and Tim Tomerson's act and Gallagher's act. There was a variety. There was a leftover from sixties and seventies variety. The silliness studio and the drug culture. There was Chin Chin Chong and people seem to be OK with absurdity. And you also had TV shows like Mork and Mindy, which I don't think could exist now, right? Or would be the biggest hit ever. Right. Yeah. People were down for silliness.

Yeah, I feel that that's the right word too. It's like there's, I don't know. I mean, you definitely can see some silliness on some shows, but I don't see people being that like silly up there. Yeah, there's not enough guitar acts like people used to make fun of the guitar. But I also always love all those people. Dennis Blair was this guy that had a great guitar act and opened up for Rodney on the road and Carlyle with him. Yeah, he opened up for Carlyle. Oh, wow. Yeah, he's Carlyle. I remember Bob. He's still very funny. Oh, he's so funny. But back then, I mean, when you used to see Goldflate in the late eighties, there was a comedy club called Igby's, which is now a strip club on Pico. It was electric. Bob Goldflate's act.

Kinnison's act in person when the crowd did not know who Kinnison was. If you can imagine the whole crowd not knowing what's about to happen, there was nothing more exciting than those people who were making really strong creative choices. So yeah, I miss that too. Is anyone doing that if it counts with that on the road? Not that I've seen really, not really, no. There was also those two guys and one of them owned the act here in LA. These two two Italian guys. And it was like, you know what I'm talking about? They used to be at all the shows. Describe the act. It was like, hey, fucking this guy and then his brother. And he would sub out. Like he would do the act for five years with one guy. And then this guy

was like, I'm moving on. He's like, all right, you can't do the act anymore. And he brought in, he would bring in another guy to play off of. And they were like a two man. I used to see them for a decade at all these random, you know, like bar shows and shit. Like Gallagher too. Yeah, like Gallagher too. I love the conflict between Gallagher and Gallagher too. Because Gallagher too was only allowed to play smaller markets and he was doing well. And then suddenly he went into one of the bigger markets and Gallagher shut him down. And then suddenly there was war between the Gallagher and there was like a fruit shortage. It was crazy. It was a wild time. Now, you know, our show has always got a lot of stuff for playing clips. And one of the things we wanted to do

was show you a Hollywood producer and director, some of the talent that is passing through. And also I have their contact info. I have yours. I can set something up for you. You give them my email. And also a lot of this talent we've sort of developed and they've got a following now because of our show. So just, you know, they have a social media presence as well. Yeah, I love this setup. By the way, this setup is beautiful. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I want to make sure you're all set. Make sure those levels are right for you. You can get your volumes good. All right, I guess we'll start with this guy. I'll let him take it from here. You've got any kind of a rectangle. Disorder problems. I'm here to tell you. Forget about

bag or forget about salads. Forget about dick and plants and all that stuff. So I don't know if you believe me or not. But if you like to see me smoke some meth with a small limp dick, it doesn't get harder the other way. I want you to get harder and harder. The more I smoke, the harder my dick gets. It's unbelievable. So basically, there's a lot of stuff going on. A, it's tackling the erectile dysfunction that is a very common problem. I think it happens in like, I don't know, 40 or 50 percent of men over a certain age. Half of this couch has an issue. And, you know, these pills, you get hooked on the farmer. This guy is saying, you know, smokes and meth right there. The pharmaceutical industry is out of control.

Totally. And he's found his own way to deal with it. It's like the CDB oil. Right. Except meth. Except meth. It's medicinal meth. There's some positive sides and this guy is going to show you. Some people react to things differently than other people. I think we all know that there is great long term benefits to meth, right? We've seen that. So I didn't know about the short term. Yes. Right. This is interesting. There's like holes in your face. Gaps in your mouth. He looks good for someone that uses a lot of meth. That is an excellent point. And let me say something that maybe you don't intend. I like him. Yeah. Yeah. Like that guy's charismatic. He is. Wow. Wait a minute. Are you saying you feel something? What do you see? What do you see? Yeah. Because

you have the eye of a director. You have the eye. I like the look. I like the voice. There's clearly like a vibrant personality there. What about the production value? And I'm not joking at all right now. No, I believe you. If I could follow that guy for an hour and a half right now, I would definitely do it. Yeah. Well, you know, he had his doubters. He had his doubters about his meth. And he tells you in a very charismatic way. Your dick head becomes so sensitive that you don't need lube. You don't need spit. You just stroke that dick head. That's a little graphic. Sometimes it's so fair to do it. You know, my brother didn't believe me. But when he smoked with me, he put at his dick, I can't believe how big his dick was. He jacked off in four strokes and shot the most comfy he

ever shot in his life. I mean, so his brother was a doubter. Well, here's the thing. He's a storyteller. He's definitely a storyteller. Yes. Yes. And I've cast guys who've worked so hard to get to that. Right. As actors who are trying to capture that. Yeah. So why not go to the store? You know what? He's so natural. Like, he has such a natural. He's a character. I mean, if we got to know him. Yeah. Say that he had a little come down from the meth. Right. Right. This guy would have some stories. He would have some stories. Yeah. He might be an incredible guy who struggled and he's ready for his moment. Wow. I know this sounds weird, but sometimes I think every person in the world could carry their own movie and be fascinated. That's really interesting. Like,

that guy sobering up and whatever he's struggling with and whatever his family makes of him. Yeah. Right. You'd watch that. Yeah, that's true. I would. We're fascinated by him now. I mean, I've been watching this clip for about six years. So yeah. You know what I like about him is that he's family is important. Yeah. Brother is important. That's, we've lost that. We're now about the phone and and a lot of like your social media. Yeah. Family values. You know, a lot of these products, they want testimonials. They want doubters and he, he went, he brought his, he's like, my brother didn't believe me. He believes me now. Yes. You know. So he's concise in his language. Yes. Now, do you feel like this is the same kind of thing?

Okay. Before you have sex, if you want to be horny for two or three hours, like you've never been in your life and you have access to marijuana too, good weed, listen to me. Yeah. What's your first? My first thought is he looks more like Rogan than I expected. That's like a cousin. That's like Seth's cousin. I'm also wondering what's in the balloon. What is in the balloon? It's, it's not healthy. Is it nitrous or something? I think it's something like that. Yeah. He's got some upper respiratory things going on. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I didn't think he did. I just thought he was good at holding it to get a better, better hit out of it. Where are

you locating these? You're sent in. Probably horny or the normal but. But to you, like he sent this in to you. No, no, no. No, no, no. Send it to who? Somebody found like a listener was like, here's a cool guy. And then they send in the. All of our content is listener generated. Yeah. It's not all like this. I'm just giving you, you know. Highlights. It's a good look. The beard looks good. But also the advice. He's got really sound advice because he, the last guy was like, you know, you have rectal disorder, smoke meth. This guy is like, do you want to enhance your sex life? Smoke some weed. Take a bunch of Benadryl. You know, he has a whole formula going. That's actually pretty adventurous. People do say weed makes it better for some people.

Are you a weed smoker at all? I'm not a big weed smoker because I just have panic attacks. I don't have the response to it that I wish that I did. And then every once in a while, you know, I'll just test it to see, you know, do I still have that response? And then I just have a night from hell. I went to Seth Rogen's wedding, right? And so Seth gives out joints to everyone at the Friday dinner, right? And I guess it's it's very light, not powerful marijuana. Now I don't really smoke marijuana. So I thought, you know, okay, this is this is fun. I guess this is marijuana. This is like having a couple of beers. Yeah. So then the next night at the wedding, someone's smoking a joint and I'm like, what's that? Like, oh, yeah, it's that spot.

And I take one hit. And so now this is what Seth smokes. Yeah. Before you know it, I am running around the woods having a panic attack. Yeah. I am shitting and vomiting at the same time. I go back to the hotel. I watch four episodes of the Golden Girls to bring myself down. Yeah. So that's my general pot experience. So shitting and vomiting, huh? What do you think? Was it a was it a sativa, like a stimulant? I'll never know. I mean, who knows? We could have PCP in it. I don't know what the kids do these days. Seth goes hard. I mean, look, he's built up a tolerance, right? After all these years, for sure. And I have zero tolerance. And you win. You're a consumer. I'm a drug experimenter. I know that used to be like a joke, like that every user like, I experiment,

but that's me. Like I'll try things, but I don't really use. Yeah. So but I've tried a lot of different things. You have. You've tried meth? I have not. I've not tried meth, but I and I haven't tried crack, but I've gone cocaine and LSD and marijuana and marijuana. I've actually done marijuana. You've done marijuana. Yeah, yeah, as well. So I know it's shocking. What about Benadryl? Would you take 10 to 12? Again, I've taken it for the sinus thing. Yeah. But it's the what does it do? It probably makes you sleepy. 10 to 12. But isn't it a thing that you can't get Benadryl at some drugstores unless you show an ID or so it's the same. Sure. But he can help you with that. That's what he's saying. That's what his pitch is. Is that? I just mesmerized. I just feel like he's

looking through me. He also he has it so broken down like. True weed alone can get you really hornier than normal, but Benadryl take about 10, 12 Benadryl. That's a lot. You want to have your sexual fun with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate. All right. So he guides you, you know, through these. Sexual fun. An hour later when you feel it just kicking in, smoke your weed down, and then go ahead and get horny. And I promise you it'll be millions and times more. You'll be so blissfully horny that you will not want to come. Now I ran this by Dr. Drew. He came and watched and he just he says a bad idea. Yeah, it seems like a bad idea to not come. He he said. I had one part of the advice he just said that you

probably know he decisively said don't take 10 to 12 Benadryl. Yeah, then you could you could die. It's that it's problem. My guess is that if you had sex with him, it would last too long. This guy. Yeah. At some point you'd be like, this is lasting too long. Yeah. Yeah. We have a guy on staff here who has that called delayed ejaculation. Yes. And he can't finish like he he can't finish with with the lady with the lady or he's not gay, but he can't finish. He can't. He only can finish if it's self stimulated. Right. But does that does he run out of gas? No, he just like basically they're like he basically has that, you know, he gets to go like, Oh, no woman can make me finish. And then they're like, I bet I can. And then like an hour later, they're like, Yeah, no,

I'm pretty tapped out too, bro. Go ahead and finish. I'd like to like the way her voice changed. I like to be in a body switching movie with him. Yeah. That's very different than my general experience. Never had his problem. Do you think that has to do with pornography? No, I think I think it's a medical. My guess is that with him, it's intimacy. It's it's hooking up with strangers and that and that I think if he was like, you know, in something with someone that he was really, you know, there was a more of a connection with I bet you I think that he doesn't want any could denigrate her by coming in. Exactly. Yeah, he's a real animal. His name is Josh Potter. He's a really, really funny comic and he's a pig of a human being now. We have this segment. I haven't

seen these with his classics, but there's new ones. This segment is like a reaction segment. It's called Horrible or Hilarious. Okay. And I just play a clip for you and you either know, I'm going to be you know, I'm going to be horrible right now. All right, let's go. I find it horrible or hilarious. Okay. Look how much you like that. You're going to murder me in my sleep. Okay. So you're either going to laugh or be like, that's really that's really bad. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. Wayne laughed. I did laugh. And I laughed. I never laughed. I know you never laughed. Judd looked very serious. I was, I think when I watch these things, as soon as someone says they're

not, you know, in a wheelchair for life, then I can enjoy them. I want that information. I want to know what the actual damage was. Right. So if he survived, hilarious. Oh, yeah. So this is actually made me laugh. Because I've fallen down the stairs this way, pregnant one time, like newly pregnant. Because you're trying to, but I survived. I've fallen down the stairs many times. But what Judd's saying is kind of the hook moment of this segment, which is you go like, is he all right? Right. And also there's a thing where if you see something happen, but it's non-graphic. In other words, you don't see like a leg go like this. You just see a fall and it's easier to laugh than if you see like a go, if you see like an injury, you go like, oh, shit. Right.

But if it's a scream, and then a fall, you go like, oh, it's kind of, it kind of reminds me like Jackass. Like when it was airing, it's like these guys are hurting themselves, but they're not in the hospital. You know, there's nothing funnier than Jackass. I watched it with my kids a few years ago. I don't think we've ever enjoyed each other's company or an experience more than watching Jackass. But that is where my brain always goes. And it would be funny to wonder if I never found out if he's okay, could I ever enjoy it? Yeah, I could. But I understand the question. And most importantly, is this a rumpus room? Is that what these are called? I don't know. And this is a basement, yeah. This is how America lives. Oh, there's more to it. He's checking on

him. Okay. Yeah, he's getting up. He's fine. Yeah, he's all right. I know I'm getting older because you know, I'm 51. And lately, I have a fair amount of friends who are falling downstairs. Like in the last six months, I've had so many friends say, oh, yeah, I just missed a step and I went down like eight steps. And I'm like, is this like our age? Is everyone drinking? Have you had a big fall yet? I haven't had a big fall, but I have one fall story, which is my daughter's like, do you want to come with me to my friend's house? They, this dog had puppies. And so I go over there. It's not like a normal dog. It's like some gardener's mangy, scary looking dog. And there's like three or four puppies running around it. And I lean over and the mangy dog's

and I back up. I sense this is one of those dogs will kill you for going near their puppies situations. But then a few moments later, there was a puppy on the other side of the dog, and I just leaned in to pet it or something. And this tiny dog, but a very angry dog, just leaped suddenly and bit my ankle. And I fell over so hard, landed on my hand and like really hurt like my thumb and, and it tore like through my pants. But the embarrassing part for my daughter was the, the, you know, when you fall so hard that people go, are you okay? Are you okay? And you're laying there and you're like, Oh, just give me a second. Yeah, yeah. So embarrassing. And you, you have to, so that was embarrassing. And then they put a

SpongeBob SquarePants like ice pack on my thumb and I'm like just whining like a little third grader and I have this little tiny tear in my pants and I'm like holding my thumb. But now I'm scared of dogs because it was a tiny dog and it went hard. How small was the dog? It was like, really? And it lunged for you. It, it lunged for me. And then the gardener shows up and, and they're like, Oh, the dog bit him. And the dog goes, did pumpkin bite you? And I was like, pumpkin? Pumpkin. And he's like, never bites me, man. Never bites me. You must be a bad guy. Okay. All right, here we go. Here's another one. Oh my life. I don't know. I haven't seen these. Oh, great. Oh, she's hitting them. He wants a woman. He's like, get out of there. Oh,

that leg is not working. The crew is laughing at it. The guy who can ejaculate is hilariously laughing. This is something new. That was not funny for me. Okay. Here's a weird part. The hitting the woman was funny. Yes. Can I say the weird part? Yeah. Hilarious. Hilarious. Let's, let's break it down. Why is it hilarious? Yes. Yeah. It seems to have an abuse of a woman set up. Sure. Or at the very least, time to back off. Right. You know, I don't know if he's trying to get in the car. He's trying to get the phone. He's definitely trying to get in. Okay. So there's something there. Yeah. And then because I saw the broken leg, I feel like it'll heal. Like, I instantly thought this can heal. I can laugh. Right. I never saw this reaction coming from you,

but I got to tell you something. It makes me like you so much. Oh, good. It's a revenge tale. It is. It is like a Tarantino. And also, haven't you always had, I've always had this thing where I've thought about, like sometimes you see in video, somebody at an intersection, you know, like at a car and I've always thought about what do you do? Cause I know there's people in the back like if somebody were coming at my car or doing something and my kids are in my car with me, I would, I picture myself doing this. I got to go. Yeah. I'm not going to be like, I hope that you don't get hurt as you're trying to break into my car with my kids in here. Although we don't know what happened. I have no idea. She could have just like shot his mom. Yeah. No,

you're right. We don't know what happened. It was definitely, and he actually, he, I got to say, he's dealing with this injury rather well. He's trying to run on it. He ran on it. It was nothing to put pressure on. And then he took another step. Yeah. See me with pumpkin, I stayed down. But he was like, I think this leg work. We're not saying this is bad as the pumpkin situation. No, no, clearly. He's acting like more of a man than I did with the pumpkin situation. Pumpkin. He did try to run on that leg. Yeah. That is bold. So I want to ask you, though, because, you know, you've, you've directed a bunch of movies and produced a bunch of stuff. And one of the things that always stands out to me is that like it's,

it is really rare to make something that actually holds up, you know, things like they, they kind of last for a minute. I don't know. Sometimes you're like, yeah, now it's dated. But like the feeling of like a timeless comedy. It's, it's really like a special thing, you know, like I think about from growing up, watching always coming to America. And 25 years later, it's still on. You're like, watching it again. I can't believe it. It's like the thousands of times that Ghostbusters, you know, fast times in Ridgemont. Yeah. I mean, like some of these things, they just, a lot of Bill Murray stuff that just holds up so well. But now there's like some time between making a 40 year old virgin. And I'm like, man, that really is like, it's all like the beginning

of their now kind of superstar careers, you know, Correll and Seth and all them, like Seth's playing whatever, like the fifth lead in it. Now he's this big movie star and producer. Like, do you look back fondly on making that movie? Oh, yeah. I mean, I was so scared making it because you really feel like if this doesn't go well, they will not be a second movie. So your first movie is a very intense situation. I had just worked with Correll on Anchorman and was very confident that he was as funny as a human can get. He was murdering so hard every day at Anchorman that all the other people in it would watch him just in disbelief because they would just say, all right, after Will says this line, say whatever you want. And then McKay would just go, say something else, say

something else. And sometimes he would feed him a line, you know, you know, I ate a candle or something like that. But but Steve could do it with without pitching him. And it was it was truly remarkable. So I knew he would be good. But the fact that there's chemistry with everybody, that the story works, you know, I just I'm putting out this book about Gary Shandling, you can preorder it's Gary Shandling's book. But one thing I put in it was Gary's note on the script. So Gary. So you write the script and you send it to him. I sent it to Gary, we do a table read. And I and it's he said, you know, Judd, the movie is about how the sex is better when you're in love. So all his friends are not in love. And they have all these weird,

creepy relationships. But he is in love. So when the movie ends, and he has sex, you have to be very clear that the sex is better than all the friends sex. And that was the big issue is how do you show sex? Because it wasn't the kind of movie where we were really showing right, right, graphic sex. That's why he sings a song at the end. Because we're trying to figure out how to do Gary's note. And I do think that's why it holds up that it's ultimately a movie about shame. You know, he's something got by him. He got more and more nervous because it got by him. Yeah. And he thinks he's a freak, and that he's going to be found out as a freak. But he's not a freak because a freak really is just like the kind of guy who can't come at the end of sex.

Right in there. Right in there. See the road I took there. See the road. That's comedy riding, motherfuckers. It's called skills right there. Can I tell you, your wife is so fucking hilarious. Yes, I agree. It's so hard to play drunk and funny. It's really hard. But man, she's so funny in that movie. You know what she did? She went out with Seth. You know, Seth, in addition to acting in it, was one of the producers in helping us rewrite it. And so she went out with her friends and Seth. Seth brought a video camera and they went and got Leslie drunk at a club. Yeah. And videotaped Leslie. No. That's smart. Having a party night. And then Leslie watched herself like what she does. Oh my gosh. And she came back and she watched it. And she's like, all these years, I thought I was being

so cute and it is not cute at all. Yeah, it's not just right. Anybody drunk is basically obnoxious. Because she does that so well. Like, you know those girls who are in their cute little cars and they're like, she's doing that thing. It's so funny. Oh, that's every girl in college. I read the same thing when Cage won Oscar right for leaving Las Vegas. And then he got like black out drunk in a hotel room and set up a camera on a tripod and just watched himself get that drunk. That sounds horrible. Because he plays like a severe abuse of alcoholic in that movie. Yeah. And he said it was yeah. How am I drunk? Am I like Leslie? You're a fucking nightmare. No. I think because I think I'm pretty cute. I gotta tell you that you really don't drink that much. I feel like I get hammered

because I have like two glasses of stuff. Right. That's exactly right. I'm ripped. Yeah. And then she's like, yeah, you know what? I think I will go lay down. That's you. All right. Because I'm hammered. Like I'm hammered when I'm. Now, I'm usually like quiet around people. And then I'm the type of person that when I drink, I start talking to people and then I get self conscious of myself that I'm I'm like, oh, I'm bothering. I'm bothering everyone because I'll start being like, no, you're really cool guy. I'm that guy. I'm super nice. I'm nice. You are nice. Spiral out after drinking and talking. I have a real issue lately. And I've been I don't know how to deal with it, which is I just have conversational shame. I'll just go home. Whether

I'm like drunk or not drunk. I'll just start running every stupid thing I said. Yeah. And I just go and sometimes I'll make a point of not even talking much just to see if when I get home, I still have that feeling. The shame. Yeah. Just shut up. No one cares about your things you say. Yeah. And it's really a rough one. I mean, and then there are some where you did make the mistake. Yeah. And I have some of those right two in the morning. I'll just be like, Oh, what did you say that night? And I'll never forget like just a faux pas. You just start flogging I do it. You know, it's worse. I feel like his texts shame because there's like the written proof of it. You know, there's no like tone. So especially if you're texting with someone,

you don't it's not in your regular rotation. And then you're like, Oh, and then you go like, How does how did they read that? And, you know, they don't respond right away. And you're like, Oh, did I say it? Did I type it wrong? Then you know, if you're trying to be sarcastic or something in a text, it just I don't know. What's the one you think of like when you think of your worst text mistake where you did screw up? Is there one that give a fuck about texting because I feel like there's a lot of forgiveness because you're like, Oh, it's such a quick medium and you can you can correct it. Oh, I'm I'll tell you a recent one. My manager was like, I had these big LA shows and he was like, you should really invite like, you just start like inviting everybody.

It's like, it's just good. I'm like, Okay, and it's not not like it's not something I would do. So I just felt embarrassed texting people. I don't like communicate with like, do you do you want to come to my show? I felt so I don't know. I felt like a dork. And then when they don't write back, I was like, I'm sorry, I invited like, I don't know what I'm doing. And then you know how many people really want to see you. Yeah, of course. Yeah, it was embarrassing. That was embarrassing to me. I noticed that with premieres. So yeah, I direct a movie and I would find out which friends will show up. Yeah. And then you have four or five premieres like, wow, that guy never comes. Yeah, he really does not want to come. Do they not want to come to your

premiere? So that feels like I now don't go to anyone's anything. I just decided there were things that I used to think were important to now I'm on their side. Yeah, like, I'm going to go to the premiere, see you shake your hand, you're going to go talk to 1000 people. And why am I here? Time waster, man. I've also stopped giving birthday presents. I went a couple of years where I really tracked everyone's birthday and I thought, I'm going to be the guy that like send you a bottle of wine and I'm going to like be thoughtful guy. And then my birthday happened for a year or two and no one reciprocated. Now one person sent something reciprocated. So I said, from now on, no birthday. I am I know it's like a bit basically, but I am totally in on, hey, man, we're not doing

birthday and Christmas gifts like over 11, right? Like, I mean, even my sister was like, my sister is coming out for Christmas with her kids and she's like, so for Christmas, like, are we we're just not going to do I'm like, I haven't given you anything in a decade. Like, of course, you're an adult. Let it be for the little ones. And like, yeah, you know, if there's something you want, how you can go buy it, just go buy it. You know what, years ago, I don't know if someone sent it to me and gave me the idea, but I realized that you can go online and send somebody Omaha steaks. Yeah, that's a great gift. Like weird food. Yeah. Like good food, but it comes frozen and salmon frozen salmon. Yep. Let me put let me put you

up on game, dog. Snake River Farms. Yeah, that's I think I've heard of that place. That's like a steak place. That's the steak joint. That's where you want to go. What is it called? Snake River Farms in Idaho? No, no, I swear they're no Morton's. And you can send people snakes. No, no, no. They have that would be amazing frozen ones. They like when you go to a steakhouse and it says, you know, like, why go this night, they a lot of times get it from them. So as a gift, you're sending somebody premium gifts. And it's easy. It's all online gift cards all about the gift card. Yeah, yeah. Here's what I get ashamed about because I just thought about it. I don't like expressing too many feelings in public. Like I did this thing for I did this

American life for NPR like a week ago because my mom was mentally ill and I had to cut her out of my life and it was horrible. And I started and I wasn't expecting at the beginning of the interview, I was like shooting off lines and I'm shucky ducking and then the bitch, you know, the interviewer knows how to get me. And I just started bawling and I was like, this is going to be embarrassing. Edit this shit together and Ira Glass's voice. Nadav, you were there. I was mortified. You were great. You did. Yeah. But I was embarrassed. I was going to be like, listen to this dumb bitch cry. No, but it's going to be like, oh, man, I don't want to. But God, she's so lame. Listen to her guys. That's what I feel like. I know. Maybe because I'm a comic and like that's the

last thing I want. It's the people to see me having real feelings. I had an experience where I was being interviewed by Anderson Cooper. Oh, shit. And so the bald eagle. So it's like a 60 minutes piece. It's like the height of everything that would make your family happy. And I watched you, Jackman on the show the Sunday before the interview. And he's bawling like a little girl. And it's beautiful that when people can do that, as a watcher, I love it. And I think it's good. As a watcher. As a watcher, I love when people are willing to share that. So I wouldn't feel bad about it. But it made me very self-conscious having just watched you, Jackman cry like, this is what Anderson wants from me. Yes. And I just got resisted like, I'm not giving you this.

Yeah. And the piece wasn't as good because I'm just like weird, nerdy Judd. I didn't cry. I didn't open up in a way that made it significant in any way. So I say, bravo to you. Oh, okay. Thanks. You're blubbering. Have you ever cried in an interview? Well, those are the ones that stand out though, right? Because like when somebody has an emotional reaction in an interview, as the viewer, you end up connecting more and you end up going, oh my God, it stays with you. It stays with you. Sure. I did an interview for the New York Times. I let someone follow the entire shoot of knocked up. And so, you know, when you're young, you don't

know not to do that. So there's a guy literally on the set, like half the days were shooting. And he wrote this long article about it. And it ends with me tearing up in the article. Oh, shit. And I showed the article to my wife. And, you know, there's a lot of emotional things. It came out cross much darker than I thought I was behaving during the shoot. And I think it was because the guy was projecting some of his stuff onto me, honestly. Yes. The writer. And I showed it to my wife and she started crying after she read it. And I thought she was going to be mad at me because I said something bad about the family. And she said,

it's all true. He totally captured you. Oh, damn. That's great though. Oh, I'm glad it exists. But that's probably the last time I was willing to. It was the last day, the last interview. And I just started welling up in front of the guy. I didn't see it coming. That's the thing when you don't see it coming. Well, print is sneaky, too. It reads differently than hearing the person's voice and stuff. Everything looks shitty printed, I feel like. You can't give a good print interview. Then Judd's eyes started welling up. Yeah. It's like, oh, it's so dramatic. So gross. You know what I thought was adorable is when your wife and your kids went to England for the royal wedding.

You know what's super embarrassing is how clearly I remember that. Yeah. It was really cute. Like watching it, like looking at it through the lens of like, what a nice family. I want to have a family like that. Same here, but before we had kids and I would do that. I remember that, too. They're cute. And then she's like posing what they're sitting on the street. I remember it like, I'm like, I want to have a family like that. Yeah, me too. But you know, the only thing that makes you not want to have a family like that, that I refuse to go. Right, right. Dad's home grumpy. I'm not going to England to watch the wedding. Were you doing anything else? I don't know. I mean,

they I knew it was a special time for them. They like going to England and the culture. And I think they just like got a hotel with a good view and and mainly sat in a hotel watching like them drive by. But then for the last wedding, which I guess was Harry, yeah, we all stayed up all night and watched all of it. And it was like a mystery science theater of the royal wedding. I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad. Yeah, we've and we're in full support of Meghan Markle. I just want you guys to know. Yes, I'm on her side. Yes. People are not being cool. Really? Why are they not? Why are they not cool right now? Tough on her. But they're probably very racist over there. Oh, and she's an American. I don't I doubt they're thrilled

about. Yeah, she's pretty tan. I don't know if you picked up. Oh, yeah. So but she was in get them to the Greek. Yeah, she was. She was. I don't I think we cut her out. But I went through all the dailies. I'm like, we must have some hilarious dailies of her with Russell Brand. Thank you. What I love when he goes, I'll see you on the other side. And I say that to people all the time when I go on stage. I'll see you on the other side. Nobody. What's the what's her name? Is it what's Quincy Jones daughter Rashida? Yeah, she has that. It reminds me of the market where she was on red carpet and they're like, look at where you've been on vacation. You're all tan. You've seen that? It's like a red carpet. They're

like, have you been vacationing? And she's like, you know, I'm ethnic, right? And that's how she there's nothing better than when people make that kind of mistake and you just call them out. Yeah. Like, no, that's not why I have a big nose. I'm Jewish. Well, the perfect like the way we're talking about like feeling imagine how mortified that lady feels that it's like a it's a video clip forever of her being like, how were the Bahamas? It's like when you're pregnant and people like make all sorts of terrible mistakes, you know, or after you have a baby and people like, when do you do like I had it a month ago? Dude, I had a guy in a grocery store. But you having twins? Damn. People are so

awful. Yeah, man. I remember Shanley used to have a joke about that, about what he said, what are you doing? She said, I'm not pregnant. He goes, Oh, I know, I just you're glowing. That's hilarious. Are you doing dates coming up? Are you doing any shows? I'm not doing any shows right now because I'm editing Pete's movie. So I'm just, you know, talking up the Gary Goldman special, which I produced. Great. Depression, funny, which is an amazing special. I mean, he just wrote a hilarious hour about his depression. I've mentioned a bunch that I'm actually a big fan of his Goldman writing tips. You know, it's on Twitter. If you don't know, you follow Gary Goldman. And he put he decided he's going to put out like a tip a day for a year.

I think that that was the thing. And he he he put stuff out that even when you're like, yeah, I know, it's like when you read a book like the Four Agreements and you're like, I know this but when it's put in written form in a in a way that I can digest, you're like, Oh, I should be doing that more. Yeah, you look at his feet and you're like, Wait a second, I'm supposed to write. Yeah, exactly. He's a fantastic joke writer. Oh my God, I love Gary. He has this line whenever there's somebody with their arms crossed in the audience to be like, sir, are you cold? Emotionally, I mean. Now, so he because he actually, you know, we're talking about like an interview and opening up, he kind of I think really leaned into and embraced being more vulnerable

as a comic more honest than what he was feeling and and being like, I suffer from depression and talks. I mean, he writes about it in his feed is obviously just did a special. It's all about it, right? I mean, it's like an hour about. I mean, it was in and out, but like he has a great kids on milk cartons bit is remarkably dark and funny. So yeah, he drifts in and out of it. But but it's the container that holds the whole special. It's also about how he felt as a young guy who was built like a football player and everyone wants him to play sports and how just down deep he really didn't want to be that guy. Right. And how hard that was. I think I saw maybe it was in the trailer. Oh yeah, like like he's sitting with his mom and he's looking at he's like, look at this

thing I drew a third grade. The lonely tree. The lonely tree. And he's like, What do you think that meant? She's like, but like I feel like that's indicative of all of our parents generation of like, you know, hey, you know how I used to tell you how lonely I was. And they're like, yeah, I thought, you know, I thought that was how you felt. Yeah, but you never did anything about it. Like, you know, there was no therapy. Like when I was getting my parents got divorced and it was so ugly. And they never ever said like, how are you doing with all this? They never sent me to anyone. They never really checked in on me emotionally. Like, like in a real way, like, are you okay? Like this thing must be really hard for you. It wasn't that. It was just your dad's

the devil. Yeah, you know, it was all their pain. Yeah, you know, my mom expressed all of her pain and everything she was mad about. And my dad thought he was being a good dad by not ever talking about any of it ever. Yeah. And I think now it's a little easier for kids because that talk might happen. Or so much more educated as parents now to check in, right? Like, like, are you okay? Like, that becomes a normal thing. Back then, the school of thought was just don't bring it up and there won't be a problem if you don't bring it into the kids awareness. But you find that if you're just honest with children, they pretty much get it. Like, it's yeah, I do this podcast where my mom's at for for moms and people write in like, what do I tell my children? Their private parts

are called because I don't out is it a dingus? I'm like, no, it's a penis. It's a vagina. Like, yeah, like we have hangups about stuff that they don't like they're fine with the reality of stuff. Even like, yeah, your parents are flawed. No one talked about that it's okay for your parents to be flawed. Yeah. And if you understand their flaws, you might feel better about just your general interaction with them as opposed to thinking, I guess they're perfect. But they're really awful in certain ways. So it must be me, because that's what a kid always thinks. Like, I must be the reason why mom's not here. As opposed to the parent, like, I think I found out why my parents got divorced, like two years ago, like really what happened and what the dynamics were

like, my mom moved out. And so as a kid, I was always like, no one's mom moves out. Right. It's usually the dad. The dad always moves out. So I lived with my dad. And only like, you know, before my mom died, you know, she she was like, I always thought I was gonna move back in two days later. But she never said that to me till like the very end. But that would have made me feel better to know she wanted to get back in. Right. Yeah. You know, you blame yourself as a kid. Did you think you were just a horrible kid? I think in some on some level, you think, why don't they take care of me better? Why don't why don't they care enough about me to take care of me in the proper way? Yeah. But it was just an era where they didn't know how to

do that. Like in the 70s, parents thought it was okay to scream at each other in front of their children. Right. I mean, now that's the one thing you know, if we're going to fight, we're going to go somewhere else into the soundproof room. Yeah. But then they would just brawl and you you were like, you know, on the other side of the wall, you'd hear every word they were screaming about. And it was it was crazy. Yeah. And then did you feel like there's always a story with like comedians? Did that relationship was that a drive for you? You know what I mean to like to succeed? I just didn't want chaos. I thought there's so much chaos. I think if I start trying to work really young, I can build a stable life where I won't have chaos these problems,

these financial problems. So I'm just going to start early and take care of myself like I don't think they're taking great care of me. I guess I got to do it myself. And I guess I got to figure out what the job is that will allow for it. So that's probably why I'm a producer. But it's also really unhealthy for a child to be thinking of work at 13, 14 years old. And so to let go of that obsession with order or being very vigilant has taken a long time. Hypervigilance. Yes. Oh, it's the worst, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Did you come from chaos too, Wayne? Oh my god. You don't have a long enough time. You don't want to. Really? That's a lot. You know those videos that you just showed? Yeah. That's a little taste of it. I have them of a loop. Oh no. Really? Yeah, over my bed

every night. Those two videos, it's incredible. That's why I wasn't that shocking to watch them. Yeah. It's your family. But see that they all, hypervigilance can work in your favor. It made you highly successful. If you channel anxiety in the right direction, A plus. But then you can't get rid of it because you use that anxiety at work all day. And then you get home and you're not supposed to be anxious in front of your kids or hypervigilant like that. And then you're just or you're just scared for them. I noticed that safety things, you become super aware of safety things. Huge on that. Starting to loosen up. But I keep a close eye, man. Like I'm all just like, when you take Uber, take the SUV because the Uber share, that's where you get killed with the SUV.

Okay. Just get the X, you have a thousand of those. Right. Little things of safety. Yes. Yeah. 100%. I remember I said this to my daughter and she told me that she remembered it and it had a big effect on her. And I was shocked that she remembered any advice I had ever given her. Yeah. But I said that in this Michael J. Fox book, he said, there's no reason to worry about like things that haven't happened yet. Because if they happen to happen, then the only thing you've done is suffered through it twice. Oh, right. Right. And out of the blue, my daughter said to me last year, I always remember that Michael J. Fox quote. And I was so shocked. Like, oh my God, you, you've you absorb something and use it in life. Yeah, that's awesome, man.

Wait, is there a release date yet for the, you guys have that so far? No. For Pete? Yeah. Sometimes you guys. June 19th. Wow. Is the Pete movie. All right. And summer hit. And it's going to be fun. And Bill Burr is so funny in it. It's really exciting as Bill, you know, to see Bill in a big part in a movie where he gets to be emotional and real, but super funny. Yeah. Also, that was exciting. And they have great chemistry together. You know, they're just a funny pair. Yeah. That's great, man. One last horrible, hilarious. I was so hoping that there was more. Yeah. Oh, there's there's more. I mean, you can traumatize Wayne. Okay, here we go. Thanks. Yeah, we know where this is going. Oh, thanks. I'm taking the headphones out. Thank you.

Why are you taking so long to back up? Yeah. It's my husband's favorite. But no one else is laughing. No one is laughing. Guess what? You love it. He's okay. He is. So do you have any background on any of these stories? Yeah, yeah. This is in Taiwan. It was it was it was this clip was kind of viral there. And people thought for sure, at least his legs would be shattered. Nope. He didn't even break them. It just didn't break his legs. Light bruise. Yeah. Yep. Then I love it. Can we watch it again then? I want to see it. I do kind of want to see it. Now I'm going to laugh. Now I'm going to laugh like when I really laugh, but he's fine. What was the flash? What was the flash I saw? Yeah, I know. Wait, wait.

What does that word mean? Stuck. Stuck. So we're stuck. He's stuck where on what there? He's like pull the car up. Yeah. On the bumper. Okay. Look how concerned he is. Okay. Let me tell you what made me laugh was your reaction to it made me laugh because you were so delighted, especially when he's on the cars. But who's the driver of these two? I think it's this dude and he's like on the red. The red. I think so. Is this a dash cam? Yeah. I think it's the. Okay. Can we go back? I just want to like I only want to look at the guy in red, his entrance, just to see because you know, like sometimes one of my kids will get hurt and the other one, how she walks over makes it. Yes. You know, sometimes they run away because they get afraid

of the injury. Yeah. And so I just want to see what his level of concern is. Somebody that you know was just hit by a car. This is panic level concern. Is that what he's doing? He's panicked? Well, look, check him out. Let's see. I mean, gosh, there you go. No, I think maybe actually the other guy was the driver is what I'm right. He kind of dipped down this guy right away. And this guy was like, I'm trying to have lunch. You guys are fucking everything up. And then he just walks away. Yeah, he doesn't even. That's funny. Okay. Can I go back? Because there's like a flash that happened. Yeah, the flash. I don't know if that's a clipboard. Can we see it one more time? Sure. Yeah, we probably should see it again. That that's the only

thing that's okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, the flash. It's from inside. It's from something inside flapping up. It's something hitting is hitting because of the back. So he's pushing it off, but he's also stuck. Okay, this is what you like. I don't like any of the clips. But did did he become the only funny part is that part. But like on the internet, is there an interview with him? Like I wonder what the follow up is. Did he go on all the talk shows in Taiwan and then Taiwan? I don't know. I mean, there are a Taiwan version of Ellen that would put there. There should be. Did he dance out on the show? My leg is fine. Oh, God. Yeah. It is interesting the whole area of injuries as comedy. Well, America's famous home, funny

home videos were a lot of that. This is when Bob Saget would love. Yeah. Okay. Where is he? This is a septic tank. Is this like a fetish? Yeah. Yeah. It's not an injury. There's no injury. There's just a guy. Oh, no. Emotional injury. Just an emotional thing. No, that's not a real. That's real. No, I mean, oh, yeah, that's real. Dr. Drew's favorite clip. Wait a minute. So is he getting hard? Yeah, probably happens right now. Yeah, I think so. He's just enjoying it. Just taking a poop bath. He's wearing that, that whole fetish mask outfit. What about the breathing and like getting it in your eyes? I think that's part of the danger, the fun. That's part of the fun, you clean it out after. And then you go like, do I get something? Do I have something? Do I have

happy? Pink eye at least. Yeah. You think there's a God to be pink eye in there somewhere? There's something. And what is that part? That's part he's like, he's showing you. Look how daring I am. I don't like it. Who's videotaping? It looks like it's just a setup, you know? And now do we know? I like the questions though. Do we know the guy? Like, does he ever admit who he is? No, we have a few that won't show their face in this guy. We've tried to reach out. We also tried to reach out to my uncle Terry, but he's not really mine, but he's a guy. Our uncle Terry. Yeah, he does sex toy reviews. And he was, he's actually on Netflix on a show they don't know. So this is like him. It was an $80 cab ride. I gave him $100. They gave me $20. It's called Scam City. It's like

they show scams that happen in different parts of the country. And the friends that were meeting was like, no, this is fake. And uh, he, that guy talking has a huge web presence that Netflix doesn't know about. So they, they have him as a, they have him as a guy? No, a tourist, a tourist in Buenos Aires in Argentina. And that's him too. But what is he doing? He's having a ruined orgasm. And what do those contraptions do? Okay. So that one goes in your ass and it vibrates. The one is, the one is in, well, his left hand, the black one. Okay. And then that's a double fuck sleeve that he's holding his other hand with has like little bullets. So you can go in it and then a

buddy can go on the other side. And then he's reviewing it for you. He's reviewing it for the, for the consumer. So he tries it. And this is your cousin? I wish. It's uh, we just nicknamed him Uncle Terry. Yeah. But uh, so you, so you, you have sex with the contraption. Right. And your friend does it at the same time. Exactly. And you can, and the option is to put the, the vibrator in. Yeah. You know, that's the bonus. And is it a good product? Is that a good one? He says it's unbelievable. What is the scale? What is this? Like did a 10, is a five? Oh, well, he, well, his thumbs up, thumbs in. He tried, he tried to last and um, it, it just, he couldn't, he had like the opposite of Josh's problem. He's just, he, he, he busted right away. You know what I mean?

Did you get this for Josh to just see if that would crack the code? No. And I cannot believe how stupid we are for not getting this for Josh. And if I was on the other side of it, would it help? At first I'm going to try and get this in my butt. I mean, he's doing this. Where do we, on YouTube? They said that they said, you know, that, you know, we were going to have a thousand channel universe when, when I was younger. And now we have whatever, millions of channel universe. And now we know about a lot of people and their behavior and we can see it in ways we never knew before. And uh, I'm conflicted about if I want to know. I don't. I actually, specifically don't. I want to look. Do you think this is the same thing with the world?

Remember that video, the two girls, the cup. Yes. Yeah. Oh, this isn't that graphic. No, I understand. I understand. But that was the beginning of the end. No, that was the thing was like, I kind of knew what it was. I was like, I don't, I don't want it in my brain. I kind of know what this is. And I liked it better when there were three channels in the whole country watched Rota. Like, I don't, I don't need to know all of it. It's kind of interesting to watch and try to get it in. Do you want to try to watch and put it in? Judd, watch. Go ahead, Judd. I'll watch you. Watch. Thank you for your next film. Who are we casting? You're into this. I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. I'm confused about my own feeling.

I like the breathing. I'm not a big contraption. Yeah. Or or voyeur. He's got a rough. So he's like, he's really, but he has to push past the pain to get to the joy. Yeah. Yeah. I just said that's never like, I never feel the need for any of that. No, it's excessive, you know, like, or any of it. I just never think I need anything with electricity or anything. Yeah. No. But I say this, he's not as charismatic as the first meth guy. Excellent point. So I just so you know, look, if I'm in casting and you're like, who would I cast? Yeah. First guy first, second guy second, that guy third, if they were all three up for the same part. Because of the

charisma because that this guy, you know, he's putting something up his butthole, but not in a charismatic way. Right. So what do you mean? Because I feel his excitement. I feel I'm on the journey with him, but what do you see that I don't? There's a muted aspect to his personality. That's why he probably has to use the contraptions that I have no way in, although he's putting things in him. I have no way into him. So you've made casting decisions just so that casting decisions based on like just like the personality of the person, even over the performance of that. Oh, really? So, you know, we had a Murray Stottelmeier, the basketball player, was in train rack and we cast him because we just

watched a bunch of talk shows he was on. We're like, oh, if we can get him in that vibe, he'd be great. It'd be great. And so a lot of times I don't think, is there a great performance that shows their acting? I think what is their vibe? What's their spirit? So, you know, seeing Amy Schumer on a talk show might be the best way to get a sense of what's possible in a movie. Right. Rather than if she said she did a small part in something and it's like, well, I want to know who she is, but that's just for the kind of stuff I do. Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm not asking people to act like they're in the 1700s and have like craft to that extent. Well, that makes sense then. But you sense he's hiding part of his personality is what you're

saying. This isn't the real Terry. Yes, I feel like there's another version, which is more like what he was like on the Netflix show. He seemed a little more comfortable there. But there he's, in both ways, he's helping people, right? Either with identifying a scam or how to... Right. ...participate wherever that was. He's a helper. Good rising. Okay. High bay on this great Saturday. I've been looking at your pictures so long, babe, and they magnify my eyes, babe. Yeah. I turn into a telescope when I see your page. He's hitting on a girl. You feel so good to me, babe. That when I meet you and you talk to me, I want you to melt me like hot chocolate candy, dude. There's personality there.

It's undeniable. It's undeniable. Well, what do you feel from a casting perspective? Is he the star of your next film? I like him. I just like as a person, I like him. You like him. The guy up the butt thing, like, I don't like him. I don't want to hang out with him. This guy, if you were like, he's at Chipotle right now, let's go over there. Yeah. Let's go hang out with him. Like, I would like to know more. It's interesting. Isn't it clever that he's saying when he's on your page, he turns into a telescope? That's kind of cute. Yeah, I know he's sweet. I feel like he actually likes someone there. Yes, it's romantic. Wait, is this a different guy? Yeah. I'd like to have somebody right on my lips. I would like to have... This is scarier. This is

like mine, Hunter. Yes. Yeah. Now, here's the thing. He's kind of a creep. Yes. He's watching Rachel Maddow. I mean, he's kind of, you know... He's informed. Is that what's in his... He has a new lens. It's a new reflection of his lens. Oh my goodness. Well, you wouldn't think that. You would think he'd be a more Hannity guy. Right. But he's a Maddow. He loves Maddow, loves Maddow. I can make love to you. I'm not like one of these young men or these little boys. They get their cells off and then, oops, they don't care about their partner. Yeah. He's trying to say he's giving, which is nice. I like that he's trying to get there. How scary do you think he actually is if you were really trying to break it down

like what this is? Well, he does certain videos with his teeth in. Sometimes it takes them out and that can have an effect on how you feel. What do you think he does for a living? Nothing hard to do. No living. You ever see people and think, how do they survive in this world? Like somebody said for decades, I want this guy by my side all day long at this workspace. I need this guy. This guy. He's getting it done. I'll make you come guy. Yeah. That's his big line. Last lady, 10, 15 times before I even went boom. I like that he says went boom. Yeah, that's cute. This is what I don't like about the whole idea. This is why I made the 40-year-old version. This all comes around. Yeah. I mean, this is all so weird that a lot of what the 40-year-old

version probably was about is just a guy being uncomfortable with this. Yeah. That the things that we do to be sexual, how we express ourselves can get so weird. Yes. And for me, I just get creeped out and uncomfortable. 40-year-old version that tackles that whole topic in such a, I don't know, it's like there's like a sweetness to it. I mean, part of that is that Correll has like this real, you believe, you know, that you read how kind he is. But there's also like the built-in desire of all men to be sexual. So like there's a nice. Confident. Yeah. But what is this? Because if the 40-year-old version ended with him having sex with Catherine Keener, he's like, I knew I'd make it go boom. Like it's a different movie. Yeah. It's a different movie.

Well, I feel like all of these have upset Wayne to a great degree. And we got to wrap up. I just want to leave you out on a good one. So I pulled one here. Thank you. Hopefully this will not make you feel. I hope it's Wayne. I hope the next one is you found Wayne's secret video. Wayne on a dating site. This is from Mary Poppins. Here we go. Yeah. Let's cleanse the palette. Here we go. Watch up on my Instagram. I'm going to roll today because women are fucking stupid. Okay. Fucking stupid. Okay. I don't understand why it's so difficult for good guys to meet a fucking sane woman. I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot. There you go. And he's not in costume because I know it's running through your head right now. And you're

like, Oh, is he about to do a fucking old Geico commercial? No, that's just how we look. But that's also a little terrifying, right? That's like, is that like an incel type of thing? Or how did you get this? Who's sending this? I'm a nice fan. But you know what? He's lonely. He is lonely. So when I look at this, I think you feel badly for him. I hope he's treating people well. See, that's interesting. You mentioned that I too have the same reaction of sympathy. However, they all make you come guy before him. I don't have that same thing. And it must be because he's arrogant enough, right? To be like, I'll make it go boom. And it's so nasty. All right, this one is a little more fun. This guy is just lonely. Oh, for God's sake, this guy, I hate this

guy. Just let me eat you one time. Just let me eat you one time. And you're gonna I guarantee you, you're gonna, you're gonna ask me to stay to your house. You go, you're gonna sleep for three days, my baby. I know I like this. I'm 100% in 100% in. Now, why do I not find that creepy? I think I feel like and you know what? Here's this. I think he'll deliver. Yeah, I think he actually will do a good job. I think he'll be satisfied. I think he'll make you breakfast in the morning. Yeah, I am always great. I'm with you 100%. Get with that ball. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna make you cry. It gets better. It gets better. I think what you're seeing is enthusiasm. I agree. There's also a level of respect. Even though he's bragging, he understands there's certain lines not to cross.

And now he expresses himself. I feel like Wayne's traumatized. I know, I know. It's just fun. It's fun. He seems like a nice man. Why? I don't know. I agree. I don't think he's so creepy. He's just forward. No, he wants to have fun with you. Yeah. I know nothing wrong with that. I have to wrap up. Okay. Is there a website where I could look at the rest? I'll send you links, dude. Now, I'll say this. I don't know why, but I was with Michael Sarah in New York and he's like, was talking about how there's all these videos online that are called public meltdowns or public freakouts. And they're just strings of public meltdowns or freakouts. Write that down please. Now, I haven't watched any yet, but since he said it, I'm like, I need to get in a good emotional

place to watch these. Are you on TikTok by any chance? I am not. Is that where these live? Are you on Instagram? Come and look at my stories and I'll show you the best of humanity. Oh, okay. The Christina P. Follow me on Instagram and you'll see my stories. And you're on TikTok as well? I am on the talk as well, but I prefer to curate my own things. Have fun there. Have fun on your TikToks. You don't like it. You like public meltdowns and weird stuff. Oh, because you acted like these were shocking you, but you have worse ones. Oh my god. Oh, I've got all kinds of stuff. Yeah. Next time you come back, you'll see. I'll play them. That was a lie. Your sensitivity. No, no. I don't like it. I really don't like it.

Big, big lie. Judd Apatow. Oh, stop. Wayne Federman. The Great Depression is coming out. Watch that on HBO. It's Gary Shalings book. It's Gary Shalings book. Pre-order it. Okay. And that's all we got. That's it. That's it. All right. Love you. Thank you guys. Thank you. All right. Our guest today just blew us away when we saw him the first few times at the comedy store. Then we both have had him come do shows with us and he's killing it and just getting bigger and better and everything's going in the right direction. So I'm super happy to have with us today Brian Simpson. Thanks for coming by. Yeah, Brian Simpson. This is a long time overdue man and I mean it like I remember the first time I saw you actually. I remember watching you

in the belly room and I watched for a few minutes and then I laughed my ass off and then you know sometimes when you see somebody you're like am I am I right to think that someone I don't know is as funny as I think they are? So you know what I mean? I was like this dude was really funny, right? Then I walked up to Adam and I was like hey that guy's really funny, right? He's like he's super fucking funny. Oh yeah. And then we started. I asked you to do a show at the store with me and then you came to Vegas with me. Yeah, that was awesome. That was awesome. Oh, we also did the Riverside Theater out in Riverside and then I know Christina's had you've had a lot of trouble. Yeah, you're on my comedy store. I forget. I think we did Flappers. No,

we did. Yeah. Well, you got to come do Flappers. I do Thursdays. You're invited. Really? Just come. Okay. Yeah, you're fantastic. But you killed it on all these shows and then yeah then all of a sudden you know like the things you expect to happen with with Good Comics and just one day I saw you like oh I'm on Spades show tonight. You just think you killed one. Yes, congratulations. No, but but y'all y'all y'all talk me into things. Remember when I came and did your show at the store? Yeah. And it was just the three of us. That's right. And I was talking to y'all about how I was about to leave because I kept being like defeated. You know, I kept I kept being the funniest person on like whatever showcase and I wasn't getting anything out of it. Yeah. I mean,

I had just gotten past but that was like that was the only thing that ever happened. Right. And y'all were like and Christina was like are you crazy? Yeah. No, you're so talented. You only been here for how long? A few years? Shut the fuck up. That's true. Because actually, you know, we were just I just talked to someone yesterday. Oh yeah. Bert and I went to this place and somebody who works there is girl works there. She's like I'm a comedian. Like how long you've been doing it? She said like eight or nine months. And I was like, well, you know, the only thing I can really tell you besides the obvious things is just don't stop. Right. Because when we look back now, like you know, this is I'm going on to year 18. I think coming up for me of being out here to

and stand up, I go the one thing that just stands out is that the people that are working now and that have had things happen in their careers stayed and kept doing it. And the ones where you're like what happened to that person? They just like part of this grind is like just staying in it. Keep doing it. Right. Because we always talk about what happened to that person and that person. It's like they just stopped and like I just don't want you to stop. And there's nothing more depressing than like being at the store and having a comic show up. You know, it's like an old man and he's like, ah, I used to back in eight 74. That's my name right there on the world. Like, oh, shit. Yeah. You know what's interesting? I was just thinking what you were just saying when when

Tom and I first started, I say I was like year six or seven in stand up. And I used to watch a little comedian named Sebastian. Yeah. Remember he had at the time the Ross dress for less bit. And I remember we were on the same shows him in Santa Monica at some bar. Yeah. And I just remember watching him and being like, wow, these guys like he was like the king of not the open mic or if we were like the book show goers at the time. But he had already been doing it for, you know, how many years? Yeah, definitely. He was and you know, he's deep in the game. You know, he was grinding it out. And that was like that was his signature bit. Yeah. About what it's like to shop at. Oh, it's still so good. It's so good. But the point being like,

we thought we were kind of far along. But then you looked at Sebastian and he was farther along and it took that long now for him to be at the level he that just takes time. It takes time. It does. It's a marathon. It really is. Yeah. So I mean, yeah, I mean, when we were hanging out in that back room, I got to know just little tidbits about you when we did the road about like how you were in the military. Oh, yeah. And then you were in foster care. Yep. And where is is a DC home then? Yeah, well, I was I was born in DC, but I was a foster kid in P.D. County, Maryland. So okay, just basically DC. Okay. And then how how early were you in the foster program? Well, I was I was in there once when I was from like age like five to like 11.

And then again, from 13 till I was an adult. So before five, were you at home that you were with your biological? I was with my biological mom and her mom. Okay. And do you have memories of that thing? Because five of you would kind of kind of sort of hazy a little. Yeah, I kind of have memories of it. Yeah. And then one time, because we because my grandma my mom left, because my grandma liked to date abusive men and she couldn't take it. You know, she she left. And my grandma was like working two, three jobs, you know, and she's the clean houses for rich people. And she was a nurse and all this other shit. So we me and my brother, we would we walked across the street to go to school, we would be home by ourselves. You know, I was five, he was seven. And and then one day, a police

officer knocked on the door. And you know, you know, they used to have the cops come talk to you at school for dare and they would all say their name was Officer Friendly. You know, and he knocked on the door and was like, Hey, because my grandma was like, don't you open this fucking door for nobody, not Jesus Christ, not not even me. I got the key. Yeah. You know what I mean? But he was like, Oh, it's Officer Friendly. I was like, Oh, I know that. I know him. I opened the door. It was not the Officer Friendly I remember. And that led to, you know, Child Protective Services getting involved. So they took you away right then. They didn't take us away right then. But they gave us to our aunt, you know, who and she tried to do it for a little while, but she already had

two kids already. And so she couldn't do it. So they, you know, they sent us with my brothers. Me and my brother have different dads. They sent us with his dad, his dad's mom. And that worked out for a little while. I was there for a few years. And then Oh, a few years. Yeah, I was there from like, from that. That's the longest I lived anywhere since before I joined the military. And then they found my dad. And I, and then me and my brother got split up. I went with my father and he stayed with his grandmother, you know, and that was a whole adventure, you know, just getting into it with the family and my stepmom and my dad and all of that. And then I,

What was it like being like, I guess reunited kind of with your dad? I think it was, it was, it was weird, you know, because my, you know, we're, me and my dad are close now, but back then I was just, I was just a handful, man. Oh, you were. Oh, yeah. This because I, I think when you do, when you that young and you don't, you don't realize it, but, but you have like a bent, you don't trust authority, you know, right? Because adults keep passing you around. So, right. So you get that feeling of like, fuck them. Like, you know, I'll never forget when it happened to me. They tried to put me on riddle. Right. Because the school, my teacher kept telling me I was bouncing off the wall ball,

but I ain't trust this shit because I ain't never heard of the shit. Right. And they, and my grandma used to make us, you know, take it in front of her and I started hiding, I would hide it under my tongue and spit it out. And I, after like a month, they had a parent teacher conference and I watched, I watched my brother's mother, my grandma, I watched her, the teacher and the school counselor sit there and talk about how my behavior had improved and all this other shit. They were just patting themselves in the back and I was sitting there like, and that's when, that's the first time I realized like, oh, these motherfuckers don't know what they're talking about. I'm gonna do what I want. Yeah. And that, and that, but I was,

after that, I was like, I'm gonna do what the fuck I want. Yeah. Yeah. But good for you. First of all. No, that wasn't a good. Well, I mean, I mean, I guess it's the reason I'm a comic, but right. Yes. But that spirit of, I think when you grow up in like a dysfunctional system, there's two ways you can go. You can continue the dysfunctional system and have children early and treat and do the same stuff that was done to you or you can be like, wait a minute, I'm in the matrix. Something's weird. These motherfuckers are dumb. They don't, I'm different. Fuck you. I'm gone. So I think in, you're describing is like kind of an awakening where you go like, no, you guys don't know shit. Well, the real awakening didn't happen till I started doing stand-up. Yeah. Because

the awakening then was to be like rebellious, probably, right? Good for you. It can be dangerous because you think you're being rebellious, but what you're actually doing is you're just doing the opposite of whatever adulthood. You're doing, you're being destructive. Right. You're like, whatever you say, I'm gonna do the opposite. So what did you get? Did you get into like fights? Oh, yeah. Fights all the time. Fights. I've gotten into fights with my dad, my brother. Physical fights. Yeah. People at school. I was throwing hands on a regular basis. Yeah. Or getting my ass whooped. Yeah. I caught a lot of L's. Really? Oh, yeah. Because I didn't give a fuck. I'll take this L, but you're gonna have to fight. But you'll know that I'm somebody that fights.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. You're gonna remember me, man. But then when I spent all that time like just bouncing around and then at one of my foster homes, I was playing with a gun and shot. I shot the other foster kids. What? Yeah. Yeah, man. It was some wild shit. Holy shit. Like that fucked me up. Of course. Yeah. And I did he live? Well, that's interesting. Right. So so he had the gun. Somebody was, he was holding a gun for somebody and one day he was like fucking with me, playing with it. You know what I mean? Like, and I woke up in the night, he was like, don't you fucking move me? You know what I mean? And I was like, oh my God, oh my God. Did he turn on the lights and was like laughing? You know what I mean?

And that's funny. Right. Right. No, it was funny to me at the time, right? Because I watched him like show me like, look, it's empty dumbass, you know, and he loaded it back up and I'm like, all right, whatever, I'm gonna get you back. And then like, you know, a month later or so, he was he was in the shower getting ready for a date and I went and grabbed it. And you know, and I did what he did and I dropped the clip out. You forgot there's one in the chamber. It was one in the chamber. Yeah. Oh my God. And because I didn't know shit about guns, I had never seen or touched a gun. And that I saw him put that's how he showed me it was empty. So I was like shit, dude, how close were you to him? I was like, as far from me to you,

like maybe where'd you shoot him in the stomach? And it was a doos doos too. So, you know, it's not a high enough caliber to break bones. So it'll it'll it'll just bounce around inside you, you know, man, that was such a fucking crazy night. And I remember trying to lie. I was trying to because I was I knew the gun was dirty like stressing me out, man. You know, the gun had bodies on it or something. You know, I knew it was dirty. So I was trying to lie to protect him. But I also wanted them to help him. So like the cops was when they got to when they got to the to the house, the ambulance got to the house, the am the paramedics got there before the cops, but they couldn't come in till the cops cleared the house. Oh, right. Right. So and

they're like, we don't know if it's somebody still inside. And let me let me cut you off for one second. When the ambulance shows up, the guy is he laying in the tub? No, no, no, no, he's he's in our room. So he he came out the shower and can't we shared a bedroom. He came out the shower and got came into the bedroom. And he's so he's he's on the floor naked in the towel. Bleeding bleak. Well, it was like bile mixed with it. So it was like green and like profusely bleeding. Oh, yeah. And just but still talking still like he telling me what to do. But profusely and I remember he told me to call his friend. And he was like, tell him tell him what I call his friend. And I'm like, yo, he's like, yo, call 911. And I'm like, yo, he told me to call you.

He's like, he's dying nigga. Yeah, don't listen to him. You know what I mean? I know what to do. But the cops were already they were someone the one of the neighbors had already called the cops. Yeah, man. And that's actually how they knew I was lying because who knew you were lying the cops about what where the gun was. Right. No, because I told the cops that somebody ran into somebody came in the back door and shot him and ran or somebody came in and shot him and ran out of the back door. Yeah. You know, because he told me to tell them that and told me to throw the gun over the back door fence. And that was the most bitch ass throw I threw it like three. Yeah, I threw it like like the most the most because that just so you go to show you when you were

kid how you think you're so much smarter than everybody. Because the cop the cop knew I was lying because a back door is locked. Well, someone someone called the cops while I was calling his friend. So they knew exactly what time the calls were. And then I called the cops after, you know, and then to my fingerprints was on the gun. You know, three I had gunpowder residue on my hands. I mean, how much of a are you in a panic as this is all happening? Because I feel like I am like hyperventilating just hearing the story. I was not no, I wasn't panicking. I was just overwhelmed. You know, I was just it was too much for me. So does do the cops they come in they clear the house? How old are you? They pull me they pull me out of the house. Yeah. And so I'm

sitting outside watching the paramedics just wait and I'm like, I'm and I'm sitting here like, you know, and how old are you at the time? At that time, I was I think I was 14. Oh, my God, you were 14. Yeah. Jesus, dude, I thought you're gonna tell me like 26. No, no, no. He's in foster care. I forget what time period this is. No, I was 14. So, and how's the kid the other kid that got shot? He was 16 or 17. So do they finally go in? They finally go in, you know, they get him to the hospital, he's in intensive care, all this and this and that. The family is so so now I'm in the police station. And to me, I'm thinking I told the perfect lie, but this cop has just figured me all out. He tells me exactly what happened.

He's like, listen, man, I, I don't think you shot. I don't think you shot him on purpose, but I know you shot him. You know, I mean, he tells me, right, I'm like, no, no, no, no, I didn't know that. And then he tells me exactly what happened. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, fuck. You know, and then he takes me to the hospital with the family, you know, and I'm with this kids family. Well, no, because he was a foster kid. Right. Right. Right. So with my foster mom, yeah, her, her family, her husband had just passed away. And so it was her brother who hated me. And, you know, her sisters and her real kids and all of that. And we all sitting around and now they still don't know that it was me. They, they bought my story, you know what I mean? Because

they don't know the shit the cop knew. They still don't know it was me. And, you know, and I can still say it's certain people that think it was, you know, because the, but they think it was like nefarious shit. Like I shot him was trying to shoot him or whatever. And I can, I can hear a little whispers, little rumors. The mom is just devastated because she was like the sweetest fucking lady, like the nicest lady. And he pulls her to the side and like he's there over there. And I watch him telling her and she just like falls apart in tears, you know what I mean? Because if she, and she's mostly sad because she knows what's going to happen to me. Right. Not, you know what I mean? She knows that I'm going to get taken out of her home and put,

put it, because once you do shit like that, you get labeled a problem child. So you only go to homes that will take like fucked up kids. Yeah. You know? And yeah, that was, that was a, and I didn't get the, so I wasn't allowed to contact him. The kid? Right. So I didn't know whether he, well, I knew he didn't die because he was the only one that could confirm the real story. You know what I mean? So I knew he didn't die because I never got in no trouble. You didn't get any trouble? No. What? Well, what's the statute of limitations? Because, because I think you, I think it has something to do with the fact that like you, you technically the state is your parent. So they are responsible for you. But you lucked out on that man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well,

he did, they could have given you, you know, I mean, at a minimum, some type of like aggravated, you know, weapons charge or, you know, I mean, attempted murder. I mean, I don't know that no one got in trouble. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know. He lived. He did live, but I never, I didn't speak to him until I was like 30. And how did that go? It was good. Because, you know, I was dreading the car. I didn't speak to any of them. And I was dreading the conversation. And when, and I, because I thought, you know, they, I thought everyone was upset with me. I didn't know, I didn't know his condition. I didn't know if he got shitting with a bag and all that, you know? Yeah. And I talked, so I finally like, she was best friends with my previous foster

mother. So I got her number through them and I called her and she fucking laughed about it. She was like, oh yeah, I remember that. You were, you were something else. I was like, what? Something else. Yeah. She was like, that's the kind of person she was. She was just so forgiving and so like, like, you know how you meet all these bullshit ass Christians? Like she was a real Christian. Like she was about that life. Yeah. I mean, so she was like all about forgiveness. You know what I mean? Like the internet would hate her now. She was, she was, she would have hugged that Amber Geiger, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like she was that kind of person. So and then I talked to him about it and he was like, it was nothing. Like it was, to me, it was like one

of the most significant traumatic experiences ever. And to them, it was just like some stupid shit that I did. He was like that too. He's like, oh man, come on. Seriously? I mean, I can't imagine the torture of carrying around that guilt for what 16 years you were like, is this kid alive? Is he shitting in a bag? Does everyone, I mean, that's heavy to carry around for 16. Because you feel like a piece of shit. You probably felt like I'm such an asshole. Like I'm such a piece of shit, you know? Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna go back and forth between that. And I remember I sat in the dark a lot. Yeah, I would do fuck over that incident. Yeah. Yeah. But you don't realize you're fucked up. Yeah, no. And then when the but here's the here's the whole irony of it all is all the

training I did in the Marine Corps and I never shot anybody. Yeah. Oh, no. So wait, after you got, after they remove you from the house after the shooting incident, do you get thrown to a house that's like we, you know, I mean, like you were saying fucked up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And how was that? Well, that's I go to a house and it's like, it's like these kids have like been through some shit. You know what I mean? Like some real shit where they're like, being abused, tortured, sold off, you know, and you're living with them or they got found in a box or some shit, you know, and I'm sitting here like, oh, man, they're like, we're here for them. Like, well, you know, my mom left. But are you like, I shoot motherfuckers just so you know, don't fuck with me. You know what,

it never came up. Really? Nope. And you always kept that like a secret, basically, right? Yeah, yeah. I wasn't really, I wasn't really, I never talked about it until I started on stand up. Really? Yeah. Because I, when I started on standard from this, there's a storytelling, like a nonprofit in San Diego called so say we all and they like, they bring you in to do these workshops. They're like writer grad, like, you know, NYU grads, you know, writer, literary people or whatever. And they bring in people with like dope stories and teach you how to like write the story. And then you perform it like in front of people. And that they got me doing stand up. They's like, that's how you got started doing stand up. Yeah. No shit. Yeah, that dude,

that dude was like, we're thinking about doing stand up. You know, you want to do it. I walked into a bar one time and I was flirting with his girlfriend. I was like, making all her friends laugh. And then he walked up and was like, it was that I didn't know this, but their show that show had just ended at this bar. And he walked up and was like, I thought he was going to have a problem and he was like, Hey, dude, you funny as shit. You want to come back to the crib? Like, yeah, we went back drank smoked and he's like, girlfriend. No, no, didn't. No, didn't. But he but he was like, yeah, we think about doing stand up. You want to do it? It's like the shows in like three months. I was like, yeah. Oh, wow. And so then I started hitting the mics

because I wanted to do good at that show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that that's all I got into it, man. Just storytelling and that you're a natural dude. I'm telling you, I keep thinking about you do not stop doing it. No, I never I couldn't yet. Yeah. Anything like if I had to stop doing stand up, I don't know. I would lose my mind. Yeah. Yeah. No, that that means you're not gonna stop. Yeah, you are. So wait, when you get into, let's say problem house with like torture kids and shit, how long do you stay in that house for? Um, it's kind of blurry. I was I think so that was 1415. So I stayed in that house till I was well, I was in that house twice. So I stayed in the house and I forget what I did to have to leave the house. I think I just I think I fucking

I don't know what I did to get leave the house, but I ended up going temporarily going way out to like where the rich white kids live and going to like this fancy group home in Maryland. It was in Maryland somewhere. I forget what part though, but um, but it was, but it was one of those, it was one of those those schools where like the kids had cars already, like the kids my age had BMWs and parking spots and they could leave campus and they had, you know, you know, like what they required you to have all this expensive shit in your classes. There was like nothing to them. They were hella racist out there. Were they? Oh, yeah, dude, to your face. Look, I went, I dropped, I dropped into the middle of the semester. This was another problem with

being a foster kid. It's like every time you move, you go to a new school district or something, you behind because you in the middle of the screen. So I'm in the middle of the semester and I'm just telling this lady like, lady, look, I don't know how to use this calculator. Can you just give me, can I like come meet you at office hours? I'll bring you a sandwich. She was like, nah, I was like, can you, can you put me with a kid? No, she didn't, she did not give a fuck at this nice ass school at this nice ass school. And so I just, I say a fuck. I started skipping school with this other kid that was in the group home and we leave for lunch one day. We in the woods smoking weed. We come back to school. The school officers there to like fucking

arrest us. So they got pictures of us. So they had cameras in the woods. I was back out back to school. Yeah, they had pictures. They had pictures of me smoking. They're like, check out this photo, man. Right. They had pictures of me smoking weed and just them with me. So um, and, but they knew it was him because he was like trouble, you know, and they wanted me to snitch on him. You know, so they had me in the principal's office, whoop, whoop, telling me all this shit. And she was like, listen, you can't fuck up your future blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, why don't you talk to that bitch ass teacher that won't even show me how to use the calculator? Why are you worried about trying to get my friend in trouble? You know,

but they, I was the fuck about it because it was, I was only there because it has a favor because I was too old to be in that home. I think I was 17 and you had to be out. Oh yeah, they kick in the only home that would take me back was the, was the last one. Oh Jesus. So I went yeah. So I went up in there, I went back and then it was other shit in between, but it's all kind of blurry to me. I will have to like read my record. Well, how, how, how much, how does the decision come to go to the Marine Corps from there? Is it like something you wanted to do? Sounds like he has a bunch of a choice. I didn't want to hear. No, because I think I have finally got fed up and I, um, so next, so when you turn 18, at least this is how it used to be. When you

turn 18 in foster care, you go back to, um, so you can, you can either go to college and they'll take care of you till you 21 or you can, um, you can like emancipate yourself. Like you got, you got kind of options or whatever. Right. But I was just, I just wanted my independence. Like I was tired of like adults making decisions for me that they wouldn't have to be around for the consequences. You know what I mean? Where it's like, they decide, Oh, you know what time you plan to, you plan to Trump it, then you go six months into the trumpet, then they kick you out their house and then, you know, and you hate the fucking trumpet, but you invested all your time. Right. Yeah. But, but even, but even other little shit, you know, so I just wanted to not be under

the thumb. So I ended up moving back in with my, uh, with my stepmom for a little while. And are you like 18 at this point? Now I'm, I'm either 18 or I'm about to be. Okay. And I damn, and I'm, and I'm, I get, I get a little job. I'm, I'm dry. I've already dropped out of high school. I get a little job and I remember I got into a fight with my boss at work, like a physical fight. He, look, I'm going to tell y'all something. So it was a, it was, I was working at a clothing store up at the mall and this motherfucker, you know, it was run by like some shady motherfuckers and they was always late without paychecks. And I, um, I go back up with the check. I go up to get my check on my day off and they're not ready.

You know? And I'm, and I'm waiting. They're like, just hold on a little bit and I'm waiting there. I'm near for like an hour waiting for my check. And then the manager comes out and goes, Hey man, why are you here? Can you help us with inventory? Like, can you just clock in and help us with and I lost it. I was like, man, fuck you. I'm not helping with shit. Give me my motherfucking check. Now keep in mind, I'm, I'm, I'm 17 or 18 and this dude is he's at least four or five years older than me. He used to be, he was, he used to be a football player, strongest motherfucker, but, but I had never gotten to it really with a grown man that wasn't in my family. You know, they don't really want to harm me. This motherfucker was so, because he was already frustrated from

the boss from dealing with the ball because he was dealing with it. And, and all that frustration and aggression turned out on me. He was like, you know what, get the fuck out of the store. And I'm like, make me get out of the motherfucking store. This motherfucker put the like, he, he grabbed me and flunked and slammed me so effortless dog. Like he threw me like 10 feet. Like it was nothing. Bam. And, and I immediately, you know how like, you ever has my push strength on you and it immediately takes the motherfucking aggression out of you. Cause you're like, this is a fight I'm going to lose for sure. Yeah. It was like that. You got no shot. Yeah. So I, so I went back, I went home, you know, take, took my little Epsom salt bath to heal up.

And I wait for my, oh yeah. And it was clearly like, he didn't even have to say you're fired or don't come back or none of that shit. Yeah. Yeah. And, and he was so fucking huge. He was so strong that like I'm looking around for the mall security or somebody to do something. They was looking at me like, nah, nah, we don't want none of that. So, so I wait for my, so my check comes in the mail. It's like a little $300 or something. And I use that to buy weed. I sell all the weed. I got, I got one or two little bags of weed left in my pocket and I'm walking to the basketball court and the cops, they're always fucking with us. The cops come up, pull up, pull up on us in the parking lot and say that they got a report that somebody was selling

CDs in the parking lot, which is, they always make up a reason why they're fucking with you. And I get caught with the weed on me. It's just a bag of weed, one bag of weed left. Yeah. And to, but to me, it was like, oh man, oh no. So then one day I'm, so my uncle picks me up from jail and on the way home, he's like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, what do you, what do you see yourself in five years? Which is the first time anyone's ever asked me to like about the future. Right. And I was like, oh shit, I ain't, I don't know. I ain't, I don't think about that. He's like, you ever thought about joining the military? I was like, oh maybe, I don't know. And so I, I get my GED, I try to join the Air Force, but the, but the pending, the pending

weed charge is like keeping it, keeping me from joining. Yeah. So the Air Force guy on the phone, he's like, yo, you not a, you're not Air Force material and hung up on me. Damn. Yeah. So I call back to curse this motherfucker out, but, but a Marine answers the phone. So I don't know if I called the wrong number or if there's just a hotline or whatever the fuck. He answered the phone, he's like, what? I was like, I told him, I got a little weed charge. He's like, how much weed? I was like, a little bag of weed. He's like, look, I can pick you up. Really? Yeah. The Marine. He's like, you're Marine material. Right. And he's like, I can, I can pick you up. And then, and then they, so the, the ASVAB, you take, you take the ASVAB tests, you know, to see what job

you can get in the Marine cause like the military SAT, if you will. And before they take you down there, you take a little practice one in their office, you know what I mean? Cause they have quotas and shit. And I smashed that shit. I aced it. And he was like, oh man, dude, you can have any job you want. I was like, I was like, what do you want to do? I was like, yo, I want to fucking kill people. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. He was like, no, you don't understand. It's like, do any, you can do any job. Like you can, you can. I want to kill people. Right. That is a Marine motto. Well, I was just angry. I didn't really, cause, cause, you know, at the time it's like you, your aggression, you want to kill people, but you don't realize the other side

of that is people might kill you. Once I realized that, I was like, no, I fuck all that. You know. I love bringing that shit. Yeah. He was like, he was like, this is what you do. You go in, you take one of these fucking technical jobs and you come out of this motherfucker making money. Yeah. Right. And he was so right. I'll never get him. Shout out to our Scott or he probably higher ranked than that by now or retired or some shit, but he really fucking was into. He directed you correctly. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean, he was probably trying to bank my step mom too, but yeah, probably. Yeah. He, but he went out of his way to help me do it. And he was so, look, so he showed, he showed up in my house like two weeks later and he had a letter from the court

saying that they declined to prosecute. Really? Yeah. So he, did he handle that? I don't, I don't think he's allowed to. I don't know if he, I don't know what he did, but, you know, Marines are, you know, they know, they always know the way they can technically get around the rule or whatever, but I know they dropped the fucking charges. Yeah. You know what I mean? And you, I love that you showed, you're like, I want to kill you. Yeah. And I was like, Oh, you did that for me? Like, yes, I will join the Marine Corps. So he comes to pick me up to, to go to the map station where like you, you, you bought, you gonna take your piss test, you know, get all your shit out of the way. And he was like, is it, you got anything going on,

anything that I need to know about anything else that might disqualify you. And I was like, I'm high right now. Oh, I was, because I was leaving and I smoked weed with my brothers and my cousins. Yeah. Like one last time and I was like, I smoked weed yesterday. You know, and he was like, God damn it. Turn him over and call around, took me, took me to a, I don't know, CVS or somewhere like that, bought a gallon of water and he was like, this better be fucking gone when we get where we're going. What? That works? No, no, then he drove me to, um, he drove me to like some other lab where they gave me a piss test there. And I mean, I ain't never had to piss better in my whole fucking life. I smashed that guy on the water.

You know, you passed it. I passed that test because you don't have to have none. It just has to be so diluted. Cause I'm pretty sure that I drank enough water to where, you know how it can kill you? I'm pretty sure I was borderline. It was too much water. Yeah. And, and I got to the MEP station and I fucking, I passed that shit. Damn. And then he's off to like Paris Island. No, then he, no, no, no, and then he grabbed me like real awesome real shit, like grab me with like power. He was like, when you get the boot camp, you're going to have another piss test because, because here's the thing. They don't really test everybody, at least back then they didn't, they test, they'll, they'll test like 30 of you and put you all in one box and they'll,

they'll randomly test one of the samples. And if one of those fails, they'll test the whole box, right? But they, the way they count on cattle people in boot camp is most people telling themselves, you know, cause you so, you're so used to believing in the power of the government that you think they got technology and shit that they don't. So he was like, it's going, it's a, it's a time going to come up called the moment of truth. And they're going, you know, it's after they piss test you, they're going to pull everybody in the room and go, listen, everybody's results are back from the test. And before I read them, if anybody wants to come clean about something and let me know now, then the penalty will be way

less. Right. And he was like, when that moment comes, if you stand up and get sent back home, I'm going to fucking kill you. And he meant it. He wasn't kidding. Yeah. Cause all the shit he did all the way, he went out of his way and put his ass on the line so that I could, so he's like, when that happens, shut the fuck up. Yeah. He was like, when that happens, you shut the fuck up. And I did. And I saw, I saw a whole, and I wanted to tell people and I saw a whole bunch of people standing up. Oh yeah. We probably lost like eight people. You know, and I was like, God damn. And then how was boot camp, dude? Um, you know, I mean, it's, it was, it was, is it brutal or you're like, it's just hard,

but you get over it. It's just more psychological. You know, I mean, how hard it is physically just depending on what shape you in when you get there. How were you? I was bad. Yeah. Pretty bad shape. Yeah. I was dying, but by the time I left, I was great. Yeah. But that's how long was it? It was 13 weeks. It's a lot. Yeah. It was, it's brutal though. It gets brutal, but it's, most of it is like psychological. Like, and I know some people that were like, it was easy. Those people are psychopaths. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody had a good time. Yeah. What's a day like in boot camp?

Um, what's the psychological part then that you're, you're speaking at? Like, what's an example? The psychological shit is like, um, because they play you, there's like a scene, there's a senior drill instructor and he is like the dude that like he has all these assistants and the assistants hate you just because you're just because you're a civilian. They think you're scum. They think you don't deserve to be a Marine and they treat you that way. Yeah. And the senior drill instructor is there, like he is just, he stands back and lets them fuck you up and then, and then he comes in and goes, okay, okay, you know, that's enough. Y'all get, get out of here, go home. You treat my kids bad. Go home. Yeah. And that happens a few times,

you know what I mean? And then one day out of the blue, he'll come in and he'll be pissed about something. And, and he's like, you know what, y'all just y'all fucking disrespect me like this and he'll fucking leave and just leave you with, with the assholes. Right. And, and, and bro, when I tell you that, that shit works on everybody. Yeah, it's an abusive parent because it's like the whole process is to break you down, to build you up, to make you believe you're nothing as you are. And then when you're finished, you're better than everyone. That's why all these motherfuckers get out of boot camp. They, they cocky as fuck. They think they invincible. Yeah. They break you down and then they're like, but the reason that you're awesome now is because

of the Marine Corps. Oh yeah. That's why you're awesome. Because the whole point is to push you. The whole point is to make you keep, is it, get you used to misery. One, get you used to operating when things are miserable. Two, to get you to instantly obey, to get, to get you so scared of not obeying that you don't even think you just do what you're told. And then three, to make you, to make you believe that you can do shit even when you know you can't. Because a whole bunch of times you'll hit what you think is your limit. You know, like, because that's the one thing I got out of boot camp is like, sometimes you, I think people think that trying your hardest is when you try until it gets hard. Like people try until it gets hard and they go, oh, I tried. That was hard. Yeah.

Right. But, but really in the Marine Corps, it's like, no, trying your hardest is trying until it gets harder and then going harder until you fucking got nothing until, and when it, when it hurts so bad when your whole body hurts and you still got fucking, you know, three miles to go. You know what I mean? And you still, you go until you can't fucking go. And you actually end up completing it and you're like, wow, I can really go. Exactly. Yeah. And they make you. Yeah. Every time they make you do it again. Yeah. Yeah. Love it. What great training for life. My dad is watching this episode right now. He's just masturbating. Yeah. I'm masturbating. I love it. For me, it's like the Marine Corps wasn't for me, but I needed that. I needed it at the time.

I needed to stop like because of the foster care shit. Like I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. You know what I mean? I needed to stop because the Marine Corps don't give a fuck what your mommy did or any of that shit. They're like, all of us got problems, but also this thing need to be over there or people are going to die. Right. And that's your job. Everybody else got other jobs. Yeah. So it's like, what's important in this moment? Yeah. There's no crying. I love it. You know, it's the model of a survivor. You know, when it's, I think it was a great time for you to be in the Marine Corps because that was the time you needed to survive to survive your horrible childhood and everything. And to become a standup comedian. I needed, I needed this ability. I needed

this ability to. That was the Marine. That was the longest I ever lived anywhere with and with the same with the same people. So did you count down the days though as your time there was ending? You know what I mean? In the Marine Corps? Yeah. Were you like, yes, I was ready to get the fuck out of there. Four years. You did five. Five. Yeah. But there was a but there was a discrepancy where I ended up because there was there was my my actual unit was in Yuma, Arizona, which is like America's asshole. It's the shittiest hottest desert town. But they they had a detachment in Miramar, San Diego. And which is not America's asshole. No, which is not America's America's paradise hole. And with my job, it's literally it's the best place you can be sent as a Marine with

my job, right? Yeah. And what was your job again? I was a tactical air operations module repair. What? Basically, I worked on a rate. So the radar connects to this box where people control flights and I fix the box. Wow, that's kind of a cool gig. Yeah, it wasn't cool. It was boring. Really? It sounds really hard. It was no, no. I mean, because you don't have to be smart. They send the smart they send the genius with you everywhere you go. Oh, right. Yeah. So the genius is like, now take that off. Yeah, well, he's just there in case of some shit that you can't solve. Yeah. So your job is just to be smart enough to understand his instructions. Right. You know, so when he's like, yeah, you need to get up in there and remove this and remove that and put

that in there and you just do that. And then he's like, oh, yeah. And nothing ever broke because we maintain the shit out of it. It was like every nothing. There was never an issue that just wasn't that couldn't be resolved with like a part or two, you know, but but but they made a they had a they sent the temporary unit to Miramar. And then and then I got there shortly after that. And then they made the unit permanent. So in the system, it looked like we all moved from Yuma to San Diego, even though we'd all been there the whole time. So we didn't have to move again. So so so you know, people usually move around a lot in the military. I was in the same place, the same people for five years for the whole time. But you needed that. Not for the whole

cause most of the time was in school. But yeah, and it was great. It was the best. I was the only black person for a long time. That's gotta be weird, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was a it was a fucking it was a culture shock for me. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And and what I didn't realize was that people and this is sort of what made me go from being so serious all the time to being funny is that I didn't know that so in the school in the schoolhouse before you get sent to your job, if you get if you get the best grade, you get to pick where you go. And I had to I was seven out of eight people because I fucked school and they sent me to the best place. And what they told me at the time was, yeah, you didn't do well, but you but you're the smartest person here. Right.

Trying to like boost my ego. But when I got there, everyone was acting all fucking weird. You know what I mean? And when one time and then the the my my one officer put me in his office one day, he was like, so how you doing? Simpson like, I was like, sir, and he was like, relax. I'm like the fuck like no one ever no one ever asked you how you're doing. Yeah, or tells you to relax in the Marine Corps. Never unless it's like a problem about to go down. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm like, what? Relax. Like what do you mean? Relax? He's like, no, relax, relax. I'm like, okay. And he's like, how are you? And I'm like, well, to be honest with you, sir, everyone's acting fucking weird. Like everybody was being super nice to me. They would

stop. They would stop. Like, like, I could hear the conversation shift when I walked in the room and shit like that, you know? And then he closed the door. I was like, look, I'm gonna tell you something. Before you got here, they took all the black Marines out of the Union because someone accused the CEO of being racist or whatever. And so you're the first black person here since then. That's why you're here. You know what I mean? And that's why everyone's acting weird is because they're afraid to say something. Oh, blah, blah, blah. And so but the thing is that was that was making me more uncomfortable. Of course. You know what I mean? So how did you react to it though? So I started, I started just bringing it up. Like I just started talking about race all the time,

you know, and I put in this and then I pull I got everybody together eventually. And I was like, look, y'all walking on eggshells because y'all scared that I might that you might say something that it was gonna upset me and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, I'm sure some of y'all are racist. You don't know it, maybe. But me, me going to the other unit, because our sister unit was, was mostly black people in charge. But it's like, they still going to treat you like a nigga. Everyone's a nigga in the Marine Corps. So it don't matter if I go over there, I'm still going to be getting treated just like shit. But I'm going to be, it's going to just be black people treating me like shit. Right. So I was like, you say whatever you want. Say whatever you want.

But I'm going to say whatever the fuck I want. And it was a deal. And I started just saying whatever I wanted. And that's something you don't get to do in the Marine Corps. And so every now and then I slowly learned that if I say it at the right moment, it would get a laugh. And I wouldn't get, because I would, I was still getting kind of trouble, but not no official trouble. Right. So I just learned it. And I started saying what, and I was, and it started with race, like joking about race, the most serious thing. And I just started slowly learning like a, you know, and when most people would have gotten in trouble, it would be like, Oh, that's just Simpson. Right. Right. That dude's funny. Right. He says crazy shit. Yep. So it all came,

it all came funny because it is like the, it is like the development of a comedian, like the whole story, everything from childhood through the Marine to like all these little details. Yeah. Now I see like the pathway more clearly. And then you at the bar, cracking the people, all, all that was building, your whole story is building up to that moment of that guy being like, Oh, you're making these people laugh. You want to do standup? Yep. You know, the whole story. Yeah, man. It's cool. Well, I'm glad you, I'm glad you're doing it, man, because you're so funny. We need you to weigh in on a really important thing, which is, yeah, that was heavy. Yeah, I'm so glad you shared that story though. That was, you know,

it's really crazy listening to you, if I may make it about me for a moment. Please. The, the officer friendly incident that could have been, I mean, in the 80s, I was a latch. I was, I spent the summer of 1984 alone in my dad's house. Like I should have been, an adult should have been watching me for, I was probably your age when I was being left alone. Yeah. That could have been, that could have been anybody in the 80s in a way, you know, the initial thing that starts you into that horrible cycle. You know what, I always, I always felt worse for the kids that were stuck with their shitty families. Cause some families are like, some families are shitty, and they're just good at hiding the abuse and those kids are stuck there. At least I got to go

on an adventure, you know, I got to be with all different kinds of families. And I learned, I learned about the human condition, like all the false cash in the military. It was, it was also an education in like people, which you have to have that to do, to really be a good stand up, to understand how to communicate. You gotta understand how people work. Yeah, you got to know how people work. And so, um, yeah, so I, that's how I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Cause I realized in any kind of art, your, your damage or what you perceive as we, as whatever makes you weird in art, that's a superpower. You have a perspective that other people can't have. It's, it's shit that only I can say, you know, and be truthful. It's it that

all I can say. So like now I feel like empowered and you can actually get away with even wilder, more reckless, irresponsible speech because you've come from, you've had such extreme experiences. You know what I mean? Like the, the, the more extreme circumstances, you know, the, the deeper the trauma that someone, that is permission to speak more freely. Especially nowadays when you need permission to say certain shit. Yeah. And isn't, I know, and that's so interesting what you said that you just started bringing up race all the time with people. And isn't that what solved the problem? Do you know what I mean? Like now having a conversation about it. Yeah. But now it's the complete opposite ethic that

you're not supposed to say anything cause someone's going to get in trouble. And it's like, dude, that's not the way to solve stuff. Let me just be able to say it. I mean, dude, listen, you're black. Yeah. You definitely want to say it since you sat down. Well, you got a McDonald's nigga? So if you don't know, Brian's been on the show before. Yes. McDonald's nigga. That's Brian. Thanks for doing that. So sad. That was so funny. I just walked up to him in the park and I was sort of like, can you say something for me? He's like, sure what? And he was like, oh, okay. Like right away.

That's an explanation. That was so awesome. So the big, so we've always played, you know, video clips, audio drops. And every once in a while, there's something that we actually have a debate about what someone's saying. So the original big debate was this Robert Paul Champagne, whether he was saying home here now or not. I don't know if that's even, is that in my drops? It might not be, but is it search for try it out. I think you'll find it. All right. Try it out. Well, let's see. Come check it out. Well, that's not complicated, but you get the idea. I can't believe that dude's a real person. Oh, I know. He's really real. But anyways, lately, the new debate is one line within

this video. So I'm going to play you the whole video and then I'll tell you where the debate is going to be on this screen right here. Okay. All right. Okay. This public announcement goes out to all you bitch ass niggas that motherfuckers claim that I'm a false blood bitch. Call me out and see if I'm a fucking false blood. You niggas don't work. No wreck. Sue will bitch ass niggas. Okay. So he, is there something not clear about what he said? Well, yeah, it's pretty clear, but it's actually down to a few words because there's a heavy debate going on about whether or not he is saying. You niggas don't work. No wreck. You saying you niggas don't want no wreck. What's that mean? You don't want no wreck? Right. Which means? Which means you don't want the

scuffle. You don't want, you don't want it to come to blows. REC. You don't want no smoke. You don't want no drama. No wreck. Want no wreck. REC. So there's a no, I think W. R. E. C. K. I don't think it's ever been spelled out, but you're right. W. R. E. C. K. Right. So there's a heavy debate going including with staff here and whether or not he's saying want no wreck because work no rep was a big, big advocate. If you can, if you can close that right there, close what you have up at, oh go to the page. Just close the actual choice. Yeah. And scroll, oh yeah, scroll to one oh one in the middle, middle down. Down. Yep. Pray play him. Oh, for Brian. So the Sioux guy is 1000% saying a work no rep.

Rep from fucking these stars in Jersey. There's all buds in that neighborhood. And I used to hear that shit all the time. I do. The problem is your boys just got too many fucking holes in his mouth. So I don't think the words is coming out right. But I know that's what he was saying. It's a very common phrase amongst the blood community, at least where I'm from. Work no wreck. This is where the debate comes in because people are saying that it's clearly work no wreck like you. But then we got, what does that mean? What is work no rep? Work no wreck. No, no, work no rep. He's saying, he's saying rep. I don't know. Well, I don't know what. What? Okay. Now page through that where you were. So then you can, you can see that people are,

writing, this guy says it means there aren't recognized for the blood that he is calling him a false blood. Go ahead and page, scroll. Sioux guy saying warrant no wreck, which is crazy to me. Oh, God. This guy says work no wreck, which was your initial assumption. No, I was saying want. Y'all don't want no. Okay. Well, that the debate lies in some of the very, you know, few words here. This is due to saying you work. This, this says work no wreck. I almost dropped it. Damn, this is, this is, this is, this is something I did not eat in my head. I know. Now I got to be thinking about it. I know. Is it you niggas don't want no wreck? I don't know. Now this guy, this guy says I'm white, but been to jail. He says want no wreck.

Now when I hear Brian say the phrase, because he can mimic it very well, he didn't, he didn't stop for a second. He was, it was automatic. Brian, say it again the way he does. You niggas don't want no wreck. Yeah. That's what it sound like to me. Yeah. When Brian says it, the same cage. You niggas don't work no wreck. Let's see. Now that you put it in my head now, I hear. Do you want to hear it in slow motion? Okay. But I, now when it slowed down, I hear what, no, I hear want, but then I hear work when I hear it irregular. Can you get somebody to turn this into a trap beat? Yeah. Oh, definitely. You just put the call out. Believe me. You'll have samples to choose from next week. Oh yeah. You niggas don't

work no wreck. I don't know, man. I think it's want, I think it's want no wreck. You think it's want no wreck. I think it's want no wreck. It's like, you don't want this shit, right? Because look, I'm not trying to say that that is the dude that says he lives around Bloods. Yeah. I'm not saying he's full of shit. Yeah. But I've never heard that phrase. Right. Right. You know, and so I don't know. I don't know if that's true. You've, but you've heard the phrase want no wreck. You've heard it. I've heard that before. You've heard want no wreck. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, I, I know what, I know what that means. That dude said, did he say work no rep? Is that what he said it was or want no rep? I think he said work. Go go back to it. Yeah. What does he say?

A little guy is 1000% saying work no rep. He's saying work no. Work no rep. The complete opposite. And we can't get a hold of this guy. We've tried. He's busy doing blood shit. But yeah. He's not a false blood. No, no. Are you familiar with that expression too? Oh, yeah. I don't know exactly what it would be. It's Swahili for blood. And then they adapted it as like a battle cry for like, let's let's do some shit. Dude, that's the funniest, the funniest tweet I ever saw. Yeah. And I feel bad that I don't remember who said it, but they, but they were like, uh, they were like, uh, can, uh, can a Crip, can a Crip data Asian girl named Su Wu? And I was like, I don't think I'm ever going to see anything funny in it. That's funny shit. Yeah.

Is it Su Wu or Su Wu? Su Wu. Su Wu. Yeah. I never knew that it was, I never knew that it was Swahili for blood. It is. Yeah. We looked it up. I mean, it's the first thing. It's Swahili. You know so much about the bloods now. Well, I'm working with a community activist. So, um, yeah, no. Su Wu. Yeah. Su Wu. But anyways, now you heard Brian weigh in on it. The debate continues. Is it working? I'm on the, I'm on the want no wreck team. I'm throwing my full weight behind it. Okay. Man. Yeah. Cause when he, when you repeat it, it sounds the same as how he's saying it. It does. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It really would be great if we could hear back from this guy. Oh yeah. You might one day. I mean, how does he not, how does he not know that he's

famous on the internet? Well, he's getting, he's getting, I went to his page and like he's posting random shit, you know, like whatever I'm watching this show right now. Everyone's like, you want that wreck? Rep Su Wu. Like they're all, all his comments. He's going to figure it out at some point. He's got it. Cause Robert Paul Champagne eventually was found. Yeah. Yeah. It took two years or so. Yeah. And eventually we will know him. It'd be great. It'd be great if the listeners, if somebody knows like what city this dude's in, we could kind of go down that path. You know, of course, don't bother him. No, please don't. No, no. We don't want no rep. Nope. We don't want no wreck. Not at all. Don't want anything. I just sent him a bunch of cookies. You just know his

breath smell like malt liquor. You just know it. Oh, before we go, I wanted to ask you. So you've always been good about just spitting shit out of your head. So we got, sometimes people send in questions just like I wanted advice. I was wondering if I could just read you some and you just do first. There's no wrong. Just whatever first thing comes to your mind. Just give an opinion. All right. Hit me. All right. So this says, Hey, Tom and Christina, I'm a huge fan, been listening for a long time, but I have a huge problem that I need help with. I'm 35 year old man. I'm deeply in love with my best friend. I can't bring myself to tell her cause she's dating a close friend of mine for about 12 years now. Me and her are extremely close. We always do

everything together. My love for her has amplified massively over the past two years. It caused me to fall into a deep depression because I've never been in love before. I don't know what to do. What makes the situation even more complicated is the guy she's been dating this whole time. I've known since I was in 10th grade. He is my other best friend's brother. His family and my family are super close as well. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together. This makes everything much more difficult. I have to hide how I feel. Is there any advice you guys have that would be, it would be greatly appreciated. Love this show. Love you guys. Corey. That's pretty intense, dude. What would you do? What do you advise them? Tell her. Tell her.

Man, live in your truth, man. Just tell the truth. Deal with the consequence. Cause anything you got to, anything you got to pretend to get, you got to stay pretending to keep. Right. And that's exhausting. Just tell her, let the chips fall what they made. My friends stop talking to you. Fuck them. Let them. Hey, no, I think Corey, you know what? Brian gives you great advice, Corey, because essentially Brian's advice to you is like, do you feel like wasting your time or not wasting your time? Right. Cause you're either going to keep that, the pretend thing is just going to feel like you're wasting your time for however many years this continues. This can get it out of the way. Plus, plus also, man, that whole lonely, that lonely brings the worst out of you. Yeah. Because

you headed towards that, like that Joker path. You, you, you gonna fuck around and try to poison somebody or you know, like you got that nasty shit brewing in you. Cause you lonely and she might not even be into you. You need to find that out soon. That's right. Well, it's, it's the waste of time. Let me tell you something. I go opposite. Don't say shit, but give up on this bitch. Here's why. Because she don't give a fuck about him. If you have to tell some bitch, I like you, it is not mutual. Cause I should, you should, you know how you feel it with somebody. Like, I think that, but she likes me. I know it. It's, if a man has to confess his love, it is not on. But here's why I disagree with you. Go ahead. Because the penalty, the burden that he will

carry if he doesn't say it is that in life, he'll always wish he had said it. Years later, let's say you grow apart for whatever reason, it'll eat away at him that he was like, man, I wanted to tell her that I felt that way. It feels better. It feels, it actually feels better to let it out and have her be like, it's not, I'm not into it. But you know, he's going to explode all these relationships. His best friend's going to hate him. It's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it. I disagree. And then you know what? You learn to build a pipe bomb. I say, I say, give up on this girl. Shut the fuck up. Go find some other hoe. She's somebody else. But what's the difference? I mean, because if he gives up on her and just goes away, what's the difference? I'm talking about the

outcome wise. What's the difference between that and him telling her and then her being like, no, and him going away? The difference is he gets to keep his best friend, his community of people. No, the brother, the brother is his best friend. This dude is not his friend. The brother. Yeah. But I mean, basically he's going to put a grenade in his entire social life if he comes out with this big truth. And usually when you're obsessing about somebody who's not reciprocating, it's all on you. Yeah. You know, that's not about love. That's like, that person shouldn't even be an option to you. So the fact that he's in so into somebody who's not giving back, he's got to look at himself. It's not about her. I'm sure she's not that

fucking great. He's probably, he's probably known. He probably knows that this dude don't really give a fuck about her. You know what I mean? Right, right. I used to be that guy that was just like scared. Yeah. Now I'm completely like, I'm just living in my truth, man. I'm just going to shoot. I think you got to do it. I think you take Brian's advice. You tell her and you know, you let her, you let it, let whatever happens. All right, guys. Well, here's the next one. Let us know how it goes. Brian, here's what you think. This one says, Hey, I'm a white trash, come dump looking for love at what seems to be all the wrong places. I'm a, I'm a her in my mid twenties above average attractiveness. I love the fuck and I fuck good. And I'm a

considered a ball hog in my career. The total package. The men I meet have been like genes that start high in type of get low and loose after a few weeks. I'm starting to think finding a boyfriend is as rare as a double pipe classic. What's the secret to finding a love like yours? Piss on me and beat me. Ho a man out. Emily from Atlanta double double pipe classic meaning burpen fart. The same. Oh, right. Okay. Um, very rare. That is very rare. Wow. In the same moment, not like then one, the other right at the same moment. Wow. I don't know if I've ever done that. Oh, that's how rare it is. Yeah. Um, I have a few written down. They're engraved in tropes. Um, see, I just don't, I don't believe this woman. Tell me why. Because it comes off too much.

Like she's trying to convince me of what she is. Like she's not being honest with herself about what she is because she's like, I'm, I'm the total package. I'm all these good things. I'm all the, it's just all good. And for some reason I can't find a boyfriend. It's like, no, bitch, you just not being honest with yourself. You need to like really like, you know, get a friend that's willing to fucking, you know, because she's probably, she's probably gotten rid of every friend that tried to check her. You know what I'm saying? It's like, no, be honest with yourself or hire somebody, hire a professional that doesn't have to be nice to you. All right. And like, be honest with yourself. You're not.

Be honest with yourself. You're not the total package, obviously. I like that because I think what's happening. I like that too. You're right. It's like, you know, everyone meets someone who's like, you know, everyone has broken up with me. All my friends have gone away and every job I get, I get fired from. Everyone's an asshole. It's like, I think maybe you're an asshole. Yeah, a common denominator. Anytime someone is telling me a story where they are both the hero and the victim, they're always full of shit. Yeah. Yep. It's like, you can't be both of those in the same store. That's true. Yeah. So maybe, I mean, I don't want to like piss on her parade, but maybe it is about like doing a real evaluation with Emily, right? Yeah. Like,

what's really going on? Are you being honest about what you're bringing to the table? Yeah, maybe. What kind of guys are you going after that are they're all fuckups like this? And a lot of times these girls have that princess shit going where nobody's as good as daddy or nobody's up to my high standards. And that's also a way of keeping intimacy away. Oh, she's aggravating. Yeah. I would love to hear her voice because sometimes it's just that. It's just like, was it was it my voice that reminded you of that? No, no, no. Your voice is just right on the cusp. Yeah. Right. It's right on the cusp. How dare you? It's almost in my head. Like, she couldn't she can turn it up a notch and get

annoying if she wanted to. Sure. Yeah. No, I know. I know. Yeah. So. Thanks, guys. That's good advice actually. This one is really important. This one is called My Girlfriend Won't Eat My Scrum. Oh, wow. What's what is scrum? It's basically like a nice way of saying your ass. Okay. So it says, hey, I need some relationship advice. I've been seduced by the scrum and I'm currently trying to get my girlfriend to tongue my b-hole. However, she refuses on the grounds that as a follower of Islam, she is unable to eat pork because pigs are unclean animals due to their tendency to live in and around their own shit. This would make her the same, if not worse than the oinkers in the eyes of Allah as a white cisgendered atheist who respects her beliefs but really needs

her to lick around the brown. What should I do? Keep it high and tight. Sincerely, Richard. Wow. What a unique relationship. Are y'all fucking with me? Are these real people? Yeah. Well, a lot of this is written in the language of our show. Yeah. The language, like the lexicon they choose to dive into is like show jokes. Is there a glossary? Yeah. There is. Somebody's building it, right? No, it's already out there. Because when I went to Vegas with you, people would like yell shit at you. And I was like, oh, okay. He had to explain to me like, what is bikes? Yeah. Okay, but you're okay. So he's basically, let me translate, he's saying I'm dating a Muslim girl who won't eat my ass and I just want her to. What should I do?

But he doesn't, he's not willing to stop eating bacon. I don't know that it's so much that as much as he's calling. It's unclean. Yeah, he's calling his ass the pork. You know, I think she's just basically like, that's not going to happen. He's like, it needs to happen. Because do Muslims have some kind of like, some kind of like blessing or oil that like, would it say pork accidentally gets on something? Right. Right. Do they have that? Like a spray? Like a magic eraser? Right. Like a a la mist? Yeah. That they can put on his asshole, maybe? That's a good question. Oh, that's a really good idea. Maybe this dude should just like, he should be so well versed in the practices of Islam that whatever she throws at him,

he's like, what about the blanket of truth? Right, right. Or maybe like, maybe like an some incense smoke that they can blow up there or something that can make it okay. That's a good idea. Like to make it a holy thing. Yeah. He just needs to know Islam in and out. Be like, for Ramadan, this is how we're going to break the fast. That's right. You're going to fast someday. You need to study Quran. I'm sure there's a contingency in there in case like, you accidentally get some bacon in your mouth. For sure. And there's no way none of these Muslim dudes are getting their ass eat like none of them. Right. Come on. Yeah. A lot of them are. That's a good point. Yeah. I bet you could you could find that on some porn Muslim ass eating.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just pull that up on a search. Very respectful ass eating. Yeah. There's a call to the ass eating first. Right. Like the five minutes. But also, Islam means submit submission. Oh, really? That's what it translates to. Do what I fucking tell you. Do what I do. Because if he marries her, she has to do whatever he says. Maybe. No, that's right. What if you could get a little thing going where he's like, all right, I'll convert. But you're going to eat my ass. Like that's a nice trade off. But what if Muslims don't eat ass? Period. They do. I doubt that. There's no way they don't. What about Catholics? Are we allowed to eat ass? Of course. I know Muslims that eat pork.

You do? Yeah. What? Yeah. I know Muslims that, you know, they just like, it's like every other religion. Yeah. There's people that's orthodox. It's like about their life. And then there's people that just say they are. Yeah. Yeah. So they're like, they're culturally. She's about their life. Who's who's turning down scrum? I know. Are you about that life? Are you a scrum eater? I mean, I'm not, I'm not like, look, I'm not seeking it. But if I was in the situation, if that was the barrier to entry, then I'm in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to stop at the scrum. I won't eat Tom's scrum. No. Nope. Yeah. I mean, but it can be no shitty smell because smells for me are really powerful. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If I smell the slightest hint of shit, I'm out of there.

Yeah. No, no. Yeah. So and I'll, I'll get you whatever name. I've cleaned up, but she don't want no rec. So this is the last one. Your advice is very welcome on Brian. It says, Hello, I need some advice for my situation. I'm really into one of my friends at school and college. I want to make a move, but here's the tricky part. We both want to go to university next fall. We both, we agreed that if possible, we'll go to the same school and room together. I want to ask her out, but I'm worried that she'll either reject me and possibly ruin our friendship or say yes, and we'll get sick of each other from in a relationship and roommates as classmates. So am I overthinking it? I just need to go full throttle. Or do I need to keep my dirty slut

mouth shut and save the friendship and my uni buddy, Ron? See what he's saying? So he's saying that I think he has a friend in, let's say high school and they're like, all right, we're, it's a guy and a girl. We're both going to go to the same university next year. Is this the guy or the girl? This is the guy asking. Okay. And he's like, look, they've had an agreement that they're going to go to the same university and room together. But now he's saying he's got a crush, basically. I mean, I don't know what you think. I think I wouldn't room with a dude. No, my nigga. Nasty. Yeah. Don't do this. No, because look, and this, this happened to me. The same one officer, they pulled me to the side and told me what was up. Yeah. He's the same one

when I first got there. He was like, um, he was like, um, you got a girlfriend. I was like, yeah, he was like, she from back home. I was like, yeah, he was like, you think about getting married? I was like, yes, sir. He was like, no, you're not. Really? Right off the, yeah, don't fucking do it. Don't fucking do it. He said, I could order you to stay away from her. Damn. But I'm not going to do that, but I'm just trying to give you some good advice. If the Marine Corps wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one. Damn. And he was fucking right. Everybody I know that was married, that got married to that first girl from home, they divorced now, except one. Only one couple is still together. Everybody else is divorced. And it was miserable. And now me and

that girl are good friends, but we would have been an awful couple. Yeah. You know, so, so it's like, it's like, you can't, I don't know. This is the first girl to touch your penis or the first titties you ever saw. They're not, they're just friends. They're not together yet. They've never, he wants to tell her he loves her. Bro, you're going to go to, don't do that. You go to college first. Yeah. Don't be roommates. You know, you know what you should do? He should go there, be fine with like keeping the friendship, meet other girls. Yes. She dates other guys. Yes. You go through the whole thing. And then at the end of college, you're like, we've all, we both tested the waters and you see if there's feelings there then. See some, some of you, some of you niggas

is losers. Like you look. Can I put that on a shirt? Yeah. Because, because listen, listen to me. Every, all the guys, all the little guys is like the young, the youngins that's out here, like that want the same answer. It's like, just try, just be a girl's friend. Just try that first. Just like every girl you have any kind of tingly feeling for it is not your girlfriend, is not your wife, is not a potential relationship. Just be nice to her and be her friend and you'll get, she will, she will help you get pussy. She will help you find that other person. But why can't you, it's like some guys had this attitude like either, either, either we're completely platonic or we're fucking totally in love and there's nothing in between. But there is.

But there is, there's a lot of in between. Some girls, you're just there for emotional support or you're just there to be there to be there. You know, you're her work husband, where she just flirts with you at work, whatever she just liked the attention that you give her, but she don't want to fuck you. You know, she's never gonna fuck you. She's not in love with you, but she likes that. It doesn't have to be more than that. Like just be her friend. Let it, let it go. If you gonna go be a roommate, just be a friend. Don't go there with no expectations that you're gonna be together or you in love. You don't know if you in love, you fucking 18, 17. You ain't in love. That ain't real. This is primo advice. Primo. And also, don't live with the opposite sex. It's

disgusting. I've had male roommates when it's like four or five girls and one guy. It's nasty as hell. How's he gonna beat his meat at night? He's gonna take nasty shits. You know what I'm saying? Like no. Don't do that. You setting yourself up for failure. You about to start your whole college. Don't do that. Don't be chained to one broad. You don't want it. No. That's what's up. Nigga. Oh my gosh. With the n-words. Is that him? No. That's Annie that works here. Oh, wow. Nope. That's great advice, dude. You're a natural advice. Thanks, thanks. Yeah, you give great advice. That was a guttural n-word. Oh, he gave different reads. When it comes from down that

deep. Yeah. He did loose. He did like fun ones. Maybe. Jesus. Cause I know you don't have, I know you don't have unlimited buttons over there. So how many are dedicated to n-words? Like 40. You have a whole nigga fold over there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And after you leave, we're gonna have about 30 more. Oh, shit. Y'all are something else man. This is a, I loved having you here today. This is your, your natural fit here. Come back again. Yeah. Of course. Where, tell everybody where they can, first of all, I'll tell you this because I've seen, I've seen you live obviously, worked with you on the road. You need, you need, I tweeted it out. I put it on my Instagram stories. Your David Spade set is phenomenal TV set. But where can people follow you, keep up with you?

I'm a, at BS comedian on Instagram and my podcast is BS with Brand Simpson. BS with Brand Simpson. What's that about? It's just me talking about whatever I want. It's not particularly funny. It's just this, it's me just being, having my opinion about shit. That's great. Yeah. And I do, like, I introduce like new, like indie artists and shit at the end sometimes. Oh, that's cool, man. Yeah. Little black history sometimes. You are, yeah, you're, you're a real talent, dude. I'm very, I'm very proud of what you're accomplishing. So keep at it and keep going, keep going. Follow Brian, listen to his podcast and hopefully we get to see you soon, man. I love you, man. You melt me everything.