Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 528-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 5, 2019

IM HAVING CHEST PAINS! Because I’m so excited for this episode. It’s just the Mommies today, so put your hands together. Clap on, Clap off, The Clapper. Tom has discovered Bert Kreischer’s twin in Maradona and Christina wants a racist parrot for the studio. Tom hung out with Joey Diaz this past weekend and almost died. Plus, there are most likely more jewelry purchases in the Segura’s near future.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You okay there? You're rummaging through everything. I was looking for my other chain. Oh. Is it gone? Did somebody take it? Oh, I think it might be in the back.

Really? Okay. Do you want it? No, no, no, no, no, no. I just want to make sure it's in a safe place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, we wouldn't let something like that slip through the cracks.

You're just leaving your chains about now? Well, I mean... Look. I'll get into it more. There's... I just wanted to make sure you guys would keep it safe. I mean, you've been buying these chains

really nilly. We got to make sure that none of the workers were going to come and get it. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God. Thanks. You got to keep that in a safe, babe. I know.

There's... You spent $40,000. Other people, different races. We got to keep it safe. Yeah. You know what I mean. Right? Guys, come on.

It's us. Oh, my God. Guys. We're not rolling, are we? Okay. Which races are the thieviest? Well, you know, the ones that were fixing stuff here.

They don't look like us. Okay. Who do you think steals the most? All right. So, here we go. My tribe. There's a lot to get into this week. It's a heavy duty.

I can't wait. Can I tell you? I love it when it's just you and me because we ride old school. Yeah, I like it, too. It's fun. We get weird together. It's about to get weird.

Yeah, bro. You ready? I'm fired up. I'm ready. Anyway, we haven't talked, I think, since Saturday. So, tonight, I'm looking at Lily's in Union Square. Oh, say around 8 o'clock, 8.15.

And I'm going to be in a fantastic mood then because I have so much to do. I'm looking at my to-do lists all around. I've, like, posted notes and everything else. And I got my ice latte. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. This shit is big time.

She's always right. Don't bring it up. Cover it up, sis. Yo, mom, where the fuck is Dad? Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura.

And Christina Pajitz and Christina Pajitz. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, man, I don't know. Man, I don't know. Every time a guy decides to send a fucking a video as a message, I just get flashbacks, you know? Let's go full throttle. Absolutely.

Oh, that's what this is. Well, this fucking guy. I love it already. I'm riveted. Oh, I know. It's just it's just so painful already. It sets the tone for a good show, doesn't it? Oh, I like it.

Does this shit. Can I tell you what's going on? It's Charles from match. Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. I've been here. I don't know. Since 7 30 doing some little video that editing, I should say, editing some video that's going to be going up on YouTube.

What? Why is he doing this at work? Actually, my new office. I really like it. Not going to lie in. It's got this really cool view. Where are we now? There we go.

Hey, my God, there we go. Love this is Charles. Oh, no. Wow. Can I see? I imagine when you're dating on the East Coast, there's a lot of Charles's in the world that are just like those guys that walk around in suits and when you see them in a bar, they're always

like, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell. Like all they talk about is money. Well, this guy, I think I don't think he's a money guy. I think he works in like the marketing division, some type of PR because I think he's, he's being asked to cut a video. Oh, well, I think for the company, maybe that's his role. Okay. Like they go, you do the social media content at this type

of company because he's actually, I think he comes across as actually a genuine guy. Yeah. He has garth vibes. Like he has, like he doesn't know that putting this out there is, you know, I hope this video doesn't scare you. If you have to say it. When you fucking know, this is going to be read the wrong way.

It might be my favorite line of the whole thing. I hope this doesn't scare you. I hope you don't panic when you watch this. But I like you. But I like that's a really good point is that if it's a love note and you're hoping this person reciprocates, like probably the preface of, I hope this doesn't terrify you. Yeah.

Cause you know on some level that it does. You know it. You know that you're, you know that you're being delusional. You just know this guy is more, he's more naive. Yeah. He's a sweet guy. Okay. See, I picked up my office.

But I picked up the, the show way off the East Coast guy, the buy, sell, buy, sell guy. I'm picking up on like, he's, he's peacocking. He's letting the ladies, you know, he's showing us a new office off. Yeah. Yeah. He's like a kind of computer.

I thought this would be bad. You know why he made this video? The real reason why he made this video is because he got the new office. And so that it's, it's, he's bearing the lead as they say. Like he's, he's like, oh, I also am in this new office. Check out my, that's why he sent it. You're right.

He sent the whole video to be like, I got an upgrade. Wow. You want to, everyone, look, it's human instinct to want to show an upgrade. Everybody. But okay. But then why not just lead with, oh my God, I'm so excited. I have this new office.

Why is that not cool? You, you, cause that he, he knows is not cool. Oh, I feel like that's, so he's trying to make it like it's the second or third position thing, but it's really like, this is what's most important. That's why he's doing it. You know? Yeah.

Anyway, we haven't talked, I think it's a Saturday and it's so tonight I'm looking at Lily's and union square. I'm looking at say around eight o'clock in 15 and I'm going to be in a fantastic mood then because I have so much to do. I'm looking at my to-do lists all around. I've like posted notes and everything else. And I got my, my ice latte. Oh no.

So wait, hold on. Let's walk through it. Okay. The other part of this is I have so much to post this notes everywhere. It's I'm a busy guy. Right. I got a lot going on.

Important. I'm important, but I'm going to be in a good mood. Despite all these, these tasks I have to do over like we've all had friends too. Like, oh, I'm just so love bragging people who talked about how busy they are. You know, sometimes my favorite is when they're like, that's why I can't connect with anyone.

You're like, what? I'm like, well, I've been so busy. Like, so you just cut off the world and they're like, no, we just you just you're not important enough for me. That's what that's how to rephrase that. Yeah, I have things more important than you. Yeah, I don't want to stop doing my stuff. So wait a minute.

But okay, he's looking at Lily's, but they haven't spoken. So don't forget. He's also drinking a latte. Oh, so he's super fired up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he's amped.

So they haven't spoken since Saturday, but he thought it would be a good idea to send the video message. Yeah, this thing and I'm just going to make a reservation at Lily's tonight and I hope to see you there. Like, that's the thing. Like he's hoping she'll look. There's what he should have done, which was like, are you free tonight?

Text. Say 815. Go Lily square. Yeah. He took he took a leap. He took a risk. He got a new office. He wanted to show it off.

It's got new office energy. Office energy. You want to you want to show it. Oh, can you play it again? The Lily's part. I have to see it. It's so painful. Anyway, we haven't talked.

I think since Saturday. Yeah, it's been a while. So tonight I'm looking at Lily's in Union Square. Oh, say around eight o'clock at 15 and I'm going to be in a fantastic mood then because I have so much to do. I'm looking at my to-do lists all around of like posted notes and everything else. And I got my my ice latte.

That's just nervous energy. Yeah. When you start listing what's in front of you. I got a fucking box of pens over here. My stapler is full of staples. It works. Yeah. But anyway, I should be a text and let me know if eight o'clock

works. I can do 830 but a little bit early. It might be tough because I do have a lot to do. So shoot me a call and did I say my name in the beginning? It's Charles. He's so nervous. He's so nervous. Yeah.

And I do think like there's a certain etiquette to all the mediums of communication. For instance, somebody sends you a text. You respond in a text. Somebody calls you. You generally call back. So if you're if you're like emailing or whatever on an app or texting on an app, the video responses is inappropriate.

It is. And I think there's not right. I'm thinking more about this. How bad an idea this is. And I really feel like it should only happen in a few a few occasions. First of all, less is more if you're going to send a video. If you insist on sending a video, you got to make it short.

Right. The more the more you expand and just go on about things that the worst it's going to get for you. Yes, you're right. That's number one. Secondly, really only two people should be sending videos like this at the very like at the beginning of something a you're unbelievably good looking.

Yeah, you're using your asset. Then you're saying like magic like some fucking Calvin Klein models and you're like Jesus Christ. Yeah, we're going to bang. We're making lilies. I'll be there at seven thirty there. My pussy will be soaking wet. Yeah.

So put an extra cushion down. Super good looking. Right. Then you do it. The other exceptional thing would be if you are and it's hard. You know, everyone thinks this about like if you're exceptionally funny. So I'm saying like a really funny part.

Like you have something so funny in your video. Yeah, but if you're just like, I'm just going to blabber then you end up sending a video that's like, I hope this video doesn't scare you. So, you know, like for instance, OK, here's a good one to send a girl you're texting to like, let's say she tells you, I really love cupcakes and then you're on the street and you find like a cool cupcake that she might like, right?

And you're like, oh, hey, Julia. Yeah. Here, hey, these are like gold cupcakes. You love these. I'll see you. I hope to see you soon. You had let's say you had a something that pertains to that person. Exactly.

And that means you're exceptionally observational fun. Like, let's say you're thinking of them have a date or something or you had a conversation about how it's getting cold and it's time to wear mittens. Yeah. And then you were walking on there. You see them on the ground. You video I found, you know, I mean, like you're you're showing

how tied into the person you, you know, paying attention. Yeah. And then you're like, I bought you something. Yeah. You know, and it's like, it's covered in shit. I know it's like silly. It's silly. And it's like, you're not, you know, look, if that person didn't

like that, then I'm I if if what I just played out offended someone or they made funny, I'd be like, oh, that person's not the right girl. Yeah. That person sucks because that's like, that's cute. It's funny. This fucking this shit right here is just a nervous Nelly. This guy just doesn't. Well, and he's too young to not know.

He's too young to not know. And it's a bad angle. Like you said, you have to really look good. And look, you and I make videos all the time for the gram. It's so hard to just do this and make a decent looking video. Yeah. Everyone looks like shit. I look like shit.

Everyone looks like fucking all the time. So that's tough. The lighting's horrible. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Well, all right. Well, let's hope he gets laid. She showed up.

I hope I'm thinking Lily's. I hope this works out for you, but stop sending these videos. All right. I'm your friend. Thinking I'm thinking Lily's. I'm thinking Lily's 815. I still want to do any earlier because I'll be busy. I'm so busy.

Okay. I'm a higher up. Got a company card. You don't like me? Um, how much does everybody hate themselves after Thanksgiving weekend? Is everybody officially just 20 pounds overweight? I'm having chest pain. Yeah.

Boy, that really swept through our home. I'm having chest pain. Yeah, quite the new catchphrase in the Segura home. We could not stop saying it to explain what happened on the video because people, you know, what happened with the audio on the video? Yeah. So we were hearing a little bit of double audio on the last episode whenever I was playing from my computer just because, you know,

a little human error. Some of the audio tracks, the left and the right were off by a couple frames. Well, how does that happen though? It just happens in the mixing process like in there. Yeah. In the moment? Okay. No, no, no, like, like when we do it in post, it was just, it was just something

that we didn't catch before we uploaded. All right. Well, people are audio, audio version is fixed. Okay. And yeah, that just won't happen. Okay. Okay. Okay.

But I did just so people know it was like a human error. Yes. All right. Cool. Yeah. So we were playing the life alert video on the last episode and people, yeah, they really loved it. I'm having chest pain.

That's a very natural actor. Well, you think that in a city of angels, a city of actors, you could just find one older person to do that. Well, yeah, it's one line in a commercial. I'm having chest pains. Yeah. Well, because you and I were redoing it in the house this last weekend and we were like, if you had chest pain, you wouldn't go, I'm having chest pain.

No. You wouldn't, you would go, oh, I'm having chest pain. Like it would be hard to get it out. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Like do it. Act.

You act. I mean, we just did it. Right. But you do, you do it the way you would really do it in a movie. Go. I'd be like, chest pain. Like that. I'd be scared.

You'd be scared. Or what if you were leaving though? So I have to, I have to let you know. Like if you're walking out of the house, then I'd be like, chest pain. Babe, I don't want you to leave. Babe, I'm having chest pain. That sounds like the guy. Oh, I'm doing like him.

But maybe that's his, but maybe that was his motivation. I'm having chest pain. Yeah. He's saying Margaret, I'm having chest pain. I'm having chest pain. She's like, do you want mayonnaise or mustard? And she's like, I keep asking you. He's like, I'm having chest pain.

Yeah. That's why. Yeah. That's why. He's like, why are you stop? Stop interrupting me. I'm having truck. Fucking Nancy.

Nancy. No, his wife's name would be like Margaret. Margaret. Yeah. Nancy's too young. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Margie, but that reminded me of other great commercials. Yeah.

Do you remember the clapper? Clap on. Clap on. Clap off the clapper. The clapper. You gotta find the clapper. The clapper was so that you, yeah, I think that top one's pretty good. That's the old, yeah.

That's what you want. This is so that you don't have to get up and turn on the lights all the time. And then you don't have to turn it off too. It's a good idea. Honey, turn off the light. Has this ever happened to you? Ah, fuck. Presenting the clapper.

Ow. Let your appliances turn on and off just by clapping. Clap on the music. It's easy. Just plug the clapper into any household outlet. Then plug in your lamb TV or stereo. Clap on. Clap off.

For places hard to reach, the clapper makes it easy. Plus, the clapper comes with an extra feature to make your home more secure. Oh, more secure. Turn to the away function and your lights turn on at the first sounded hears. Minutes later, they turn off and the clapper resets to help protect your home. There's a burden on your appliances plugged into the clapper. And your lights will go on turning away on water guests. Oh, fuck.

Clap on. Clap off the clapper. Her clap is different, the old lady. She can barely do it. She's so old and tired. She definitely needs it. Yeah. She goes, it's all limp-handed, soggy.

Now, the nice thing about the clapper, I was very jealous. I really wanted one and they wouldn't buy them. Your parents wouldn't buy the clapper? Why? I don't know. My dad had the clapper. So here's the design flaw with the clapper we discovered in the 80s. My dad got it because we love the idea of convenience.

But whenever there was a loud sound in the house, like if the TV was too loud, the lights would go on and off over and over. Or like if your dog barked near the clapper, then your lights would just go on and off all the time. So we eventually had to get rid of that. It's kind of nice. So the thing is they sell it as it's a clap, but really it's like it's the noise machine. Right.

Any noise will make this go on or off. So it was like a strobe light show. Anytime you're watching like, you know, a violent television show. Oh, yeah, it's like. Give old people strokes. Yeah, it was terrible. But I always liked that old lady clapping at the end of that commercial because she always seemed to need it the most.

Yeah. Yeah, she really needs it. Yeah. You notice, by the way, that this is like 30 years in commercials, any type of security commercial that shows a robber, a threat. It's always a white guy with a scruffy beard. And that's been done for 30 years because they're like, they're so scared to appear like they're being racist that they're like, just make it a white guy.

What are you saying, Tom? Look, there he is. There's the robber. You say there are not many Asian American robbers out there. Look, there's there's robbers of every background. I think it's funny that in the commercial, even for 30 years, they're just like, look, we don't want to get accused of anything. How about that kid, that intern in the front?

Why don't we put him in the commercial? He could be robbing the place. Yeah, you're right. And this is even in an era where it wasn't PC at all. They still were like, mm-mm. And they always have to wear that. What is that called? I never know the name.

What's like the thing now? It's the ring, right? Like the ring along. They have commercials like, hey, it's secure. And then it'll be like two. Two youngsters. Yeah, two like kids on the surf team. And they're like, oh, someone's home.

I don't know, Tom. I don't know what you're talking about. It's just great. It's fun. I mean, I feel better about it that much. So there was this one. And then it brought me back to, oh, you want to look at the ring commercial? Sure.

I bet you it is. Let's see. Sure. Let's see what color the robbers are in the ring. For sure. One thousand percent. They're white people. Yeah.

It's a. It's got to be afraid of offending anybody. That's not a commercial. That's like somebody's, yeah, it would have to be like a commercial. You know, I mean, like the one they air on television. Is it there? Is that one? I'm on their YouTube page right now.

Clap on, clap on. The all new ring. Clap on, clap off the clapper. Yeah. There it is. They don't show the hostel. I don't think they show intruders in this one. But they have on other ones, for sure.

And they are white guys. They're like stalky white guys with beards. Yeah, always. It's like you robbing houses. It's always me. That's why it stands out to me. I'm like that. It's true.

It's true. I think you're right. Like the ring commercials, especially I've seen bearded white guys. That's what they're like because they're like that's safe. Yeah. They're like, it's just, you know, no one can get upset. You stealing Amazon packages? I mean, look, I've never heard people be like, oh, you know, who's always robbing

the Vietnamese, but so why not throw them in a commercial? Well, you know, let's make them. Let's make them the robbers. Because then the Vietnamese coalition will be like, how dare you portray Vietnamese Americans? And we'll be like, what have you guys never done it? You were stealing our secrets in the war. It seems like we, what about blue blockers would look up blue.

Yeah, yeah, blue blockers. Remember those commercial was a good one too. Oh my God. Those were amazing. That was a great commercial. Everything's so much crisper and clear. Yeah, there you go. I can see now.

Go to blue blockers commercial. I couldn't see before. Like her sunglasses. They're really different. My name is geek. I put them on as a shocker. Man, I love these blue blockers. Everything is clear.

They block off the sun. Oh yeah. I got to get me some. It's not like 3D, but it's got that effect where everything is so separated. I've been telling everyone I know about these, honestly, goodness. It's different. I've never seen anything like these. I thought it was a gimmick when I see it on TV at night.

It's not. It's real. They actually work. The original blue blocker sunglasses, black 100% of the ultra. Wait a minute. They were 49.95, but now they're only 19.95. They're like, we got some fucking overstock in the warehouse. So we need to drop this shit more than in half.

They kind of did work though. Didn't we get a pair of blue blockers? They're amazing. They're kind of crazy. Bert showed up with them the other day. Yeah, they're awesome. Remember that? Well, he had the oversized.

You remember that? He had the crazy oversized ones. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He came in with those. He showed up with those on. Yeah, yeah. What just happened? That's just a Bert drop.

A Bert drop? He said that on two bears? I guess so. Geez. You're not supposed to say that word anymore. I didn't say anything. No, I didn't say it either. He said it.

Well, Bert's a racist and a homophobe. Well, we didn't realize he was a homophobe. Is that a whole new lane? Oh, Bert. Bert is fat, racist, and homophobic? Holy cow. Whoa. Man, I hope he doesn't have a kitty porn on his.

No, so speaking of Bertrand, don't we have something? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know who I realized? Remember how everything started? He brought it up the other day. Everything started with the time that we did an episode of this podcast. And we're like, you know who Bert looks like? Gerard Depardieu, right?

And we had all this. But then, so like everything has evolved since then. He has a new lookalike. What? I didn't realize it. I was watching this new documentary series the other night. He looks like Maradona, Diego Armando Maradona, one of the greatest soccer players of all time.

He is, it was an Argentine sensation. He coached some now. He parties. He's had a real party legacy. Lots of cocaine, lots of booze, rehab multiple times, lots of women. And he has a, he has a pretty eccentric personality. I think he's kind of a dead ringer for Bert. Yeah, you got to look at everything, okay?

So like, that's him right there dancing. Oh, I figured he's the dancing guy. Yeah, so. Dead ringer. Yeah, he looks just like him. Look, the face is similar. They have that hearted belly. The heart fat, yeah, on the belly.

That's the, that's the party guy's belly. Well, and his eyes are so swollen from sodium, bloat. Yeah, they're swollen. Shet kind of like Bert's get. Like when Joey said, he's like, I saw Bert start those Chinese guy. Yeah, he's got like a lot of face stuff going on, right? Here he is excited. Bert gets excited.

So excited. Yeah. And Bert screams. He's loud. So loud. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

This guy's got a lot of hair. It's his birthday. So he's doing the big, you know, putting his face in the cake, being the showman. But he's got a lot more hair than Bert. He's got a lot more hair than Bert. But that's like the only difference. So watch him.

Bert put out a dance video. Here's Maradona's dance. Oh, my boy. Watch. Just like Bert. Watch. Does Bert does that move? Does that move?

Yeah. Oh my God. That's his twin. That's his twin. Doing social media. I wish I could speak Spanish like that. Yeah, no, he's exactly, he's talking about his kids and where they live and stuff, giving away private information.

Like here's my address. My daughter's menstruating. Yes. Embarrassing. Here he is yelling at some kids. Let's go. Okay. What are the subtitles saying?

It's saying, if you guys keep saying my name, I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Show me some respect. I'm showing you respect. Next person that says my name like that, I'm out of here. Not a problem for me. Wow. I've seen Bert do autograph signings just like this.

Yeah, well, Bert's also angry. He's fat, racist, homophobic and angry. That's the whole audience saying that. Maradona sucks dick. Why are they saying that, babe? Because it's the opposition team's stadium. So they're, yeah. Anyways, I watched this documentary series on Netflix.

It's called Maradona in Mexico and it's excellent. You mean Bert Kreischer in Mexico? That's what the new one's going to be called. Yeah, the whole time I was like Bert's doing a Spanish thing. I see it. I definitely see it. Do you think he'll see it when you show it to him? I don't know.

I think once he sees, once he, I think when I say it, because I said it to him and he was like, huh, but I think when he sees the clips, he'll be like, yeah, he'll be like, yeah. Cut together a montage where we flip back between he and Bert between Maradona and Bert and maybe he can really see it that way. Or like the beat by beat thing, you know, he needs to visualize it because, you know, when you tell people like, hey, you

know, you remind me of, and they always people are like, no. Yeah, but then you need to literally do a frame by frame analysis and be like, here's you dancing. Here's him dancing. Here's you yelling. Here's him yelling. Yeah. Yeah.

By the way, speaking of this, I put out my Spanish podcast, my first Spanish podcast. So it is on, I've been saying this. I did a, I've been uploading more to my personal YouTube page. So if you go to YouTube search Tom Segura, my YouTube channel, I did a lot of those sober October videos, you know, flying the plane, driving the car, shooting the guns. And then we did my dance video on there.

We did the behind the scenes. I put up a sketch that Nadav you produced. And this week, we're going to put up the behind the scenes of that, but there's also an all Spanish podcast that I put on that channel. So thanks everybody for listening, subscribing. We have a lot more stuff to put on there. What do you talk about tacos and tapatillo?

Different tacos, different chicken dishes. There is a good taco doc on Netflix right now. A good taco doc. It's about tacos in Mexico City and different parts. But anyway, but go back to what you were talking about on your podcast. What do you talk about in Spanish? Yeah, I mean, it was I was really the first episode.

I was just explaining while I was doing it, I'm trying to get better at it. I have some Spanish shows I want to do next year. So I was like, the only way to get ready for those is to practice my Spanish. Oh, yeah. So I also I called people. I called my cousin.

I called my mom. I talked to my mom on the phone. It was pretty fun. And then I told, you know, the audience like reach out, like tell me where you're from, help me out, give me, you know, correct where I spoke incorrectly. Tell me phrases, words, insults from your country. It was a lot of fun.

I can't wait to hear you open the inbox this morning. It was completely it was crazy. It was hundreds of messages. It's exciting. Isn't it? You're going to have a whole new experience doing this. I think so. I got to say so far that audience has been way more supportive

than the English speaking. Is that right? Yeah, like all the messages are like, I love that you're doing this. Thanks, man. Like, here's some suggestions. Yeah, I'm like, nobody usually writes nobody's very supportive in our inbox, right? Stupid bitch.

Hey, Hitler, you stupid cunt. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I've seen this guy shit in a fucking box and put it in his mom's face. Different dynamic. Well, that's exciting. Yeah, I wish I could understand what you're saying.

I may have to try to listen. A lot of people tell me they're going to take Spanish lessons now so they can follow along. That's fun. Yeah, where my mom's at is still chugging along. It's really picking up some momentum. We the cool mom shirt we've sold out several times. It's really a hit.

Is a hit on fire and I just made varsity mom as well. That's another reference I talked about on where my mom's at. There it is. Varsity mom is what I call an experienced mom. I think I finally crossed the threshold into being a varsity mom. Yeah.

I think now I have a 17 month old and a four year old. I'm fucking I'm official as are you. Yeah. And there it is. There's cool mom. Not a regular mom. Not a regular mom. I'm a cool mom for sale and along with all our other crap.

Yeah. So I had a really interesting thought about I was on Instagram and anyways, how come parrots can talk? And why? Why can't dogs talk because parrots brains are smaller than dogs and dogs I think can do more than parrots. That's a really good. It's a really good thought because you think that a dog

should be able to go like I love you. Right. Like why can parrots now parrots can obviously repeat but can they come up with the phrase that's appropriate like give me birdseeds like can they request. I don't know. I don't know. Do you guys know as anyone ever had a hungry now.

Yeah. Yeah. I think I had a parrot grown up. You did. Mm hmm. Yeah. My dad was really into exotic birds. Oh, really?

God. Yeah. Really a maniac. Too. Yeah. You gotta be crazy. Yeah. Well confirmed.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, they were two African parrots and they flew away pretty quick. They were aggressive. They didn't like being in there. Oh, really? Well, yeah.

If they're intelligent enough to speak, I imagine they don't want to engage. I mean dogs will fucking go get the paper. Oh, sniffed drugs bombs. They just they do. They're just intuitively like picking up on, you know, like what to do in a way where you're like, how is this animal aware of this?

I mean. Oh, yeah. People have seizures dogs can pick up on before. Yeah. Birds crazy. I mean, can a parrot do that? But a parrot just goes like, that's right. But how does the parrot talks?

But how does it talk? I don't know. That's pretty amazing that it can. I guess it's just mimicking the sounds. It'd be cool to have like an all racial slurs parrot. And then we train it. We train it. So like when the dog gets here, the juice here.

We need a YMH parrot, a racist YMH parrot. That's a great idea. Yeah. And he walks in. You steal a car. How'd you get here? Tom's got tacos in his pocket. Tom's here.

Spit half spit boys here. I would. I would love that parrot. I would love it. Yeah. Can you look into that? Yeah. How much to get?

Yeah. One that's just specifically trained in racial slurs. No, what we'll do is we'll record a bunch of racial slurs. And when we leave at night, we'll just play it on repeat. So it just it hears them all day. Big ones don't work no wreck. Yeah. And then it'll just kind of like, you know, well, it'll never say things

correctly, probably like you might walk in and go. You slain-eyed, flat-faced slope. And you're like, well, we tried, you know. The trick is to getting it to say the appropriate thing. Yes. To the appropriate person. That's the hard part. And then when it works that we're like, oh my God.

But we need to buy a trainer that's dedicated to just teaching it the correct racial slur. That's going to be a whole other expense, Tom. How much are we willing to invest in this? I don't know. I mean, I'm willing to put some real money into it. Go ahead and email your mom's podcast at gmail.com and put bird trainer in the subject line.

Yeah. Can you train a parrot? Can you train our parrot to be racist? Somebody has. Like that is not, that's 100% happening right now. Somebody's, there's five guys writing in right now like, my parrot can say big words. Yeah, yeah.

Here's a video of my parrot saying. By the way, this is kind of a huge deal. You, you, I think unknowingly touched on it, but we have closure. On? Don't work. No wreck. What? We have closure?

Yeah. He responded. No, you don't know this. What? He responded. Wait, wait, you guys, this is a YMH exclusive. Fucking put the chips in a bowl. Sue Woo.

Well, where's cat cats eating kibble? Explosions. I know. You got this is a YMH exclusive. Have you kept this from me? I thought we were married. Are we not a Cosby team triosby? The Sue Woo guy, they hit him up.

They hit him up. And finally, Sue Woo. He responded. All the debate is over. We finally have an answer. Mr. Sue Woo himself responded to, is it work? No wreck. Want?

No wreck. What is it? Where? No red. He said, I'm saying want. No wreck. Want. No wreck.

Want. No wreck. Don't work. No wreck. You don't want. No wreck. Say it again. Don't work.

No wreck. See now I hear work. Don't work. No wreck. You don't want no wreck. Can you play the full phrase? Want no wreck. Yeah, he doesn't.

You don't want a wreck, meaning a train wreck, right? Or a car wreck. W-R-E-C-K wreck. Not R-E-C wreck. W-R-E-C-K is what he says. You don't want no wreck. He's saying, I'm saying. This public announcement goes out to all you bitch ass

niggas that motherfuck claim that I'm a false blood bitch. Call me out and see if I'm a fucking false blood. You niggas don't work. No wreck. Siwu bitch ass niggas. So he said his full response was I'm saying want no wreck, meaning that they don't want to fight me or see me in the streets.

Mmm. That's his explanation. Want. No. Wreck. Thank you, Mr. Siwu. Wow. Thank you very much.

Siwu. Appreciate it. You know what he always, when he starts talking, I always hear him go, this Baba Ghanoush is the, I think he's going to say Baba Ghanoush. Oh yeah. This Baba Ghanoush goes out to all you bitch ass. Yeah.

It does sound like that. Wait, play the beginning again. This Baba Ghanoush. This Baba Ghanoush. Yeah, right. This Baba Ghanoush. Right here. I think he's going to say, Baba Ghanoush.

This Baba Ghanoush. This Baba Ghanoush. Yeah. This Baba Ghanoush. Wreck. Wreck. Want no wreck. Don't want no wreck.

Siwu. I got fucked in. Dude, we could have a YMH parrot who just does all of our sayings. Yeah. That would be dope. And we could be like, look it. Get it off. I found something really cool.

We don't always get to, to play this, but I saw this the other day. Yes, here it is. And I wanted to show it to you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, this is, hold on. Let me, let me clean the glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a feeling I'm going to. It's kind of cool.

And it's kind of sexy. And I think you might like it. You ready? There you go. Nice and clean. You can see clearly. Good. You ready to go?

I'm scared. Oh, no. Yeah. They're hawking loogies in his face. Okay. No lie. Yeah. That looks like my stepdad, my, my, my dead stepdad.

I swear to God, that's what Dean kind of looked like. Really? Yeah. He's Indian. Honorable. They're hawking loogies at him. Ah. Whoa.

That was so. Oh, I don't like this one. Oh, dude. I'm not interested. I'm not. I don't get this at all. This is so nasty. It is hot.

You know what? I hate that horking sound. Yeah. The, the loogie up, whatever the, what's that word? When someone goes, huh? I don't like that. Hawking. Hawking.

Hawking a loogie. Not into that. Ew, I hate that sound. And this guy's like, do me a favor. Tie me up. Get some real deep flim from like deep in your chest and spit it in my open mouth. That's what I don't understand about this video. What do you mean?

Because not to understand. Well, because this guy clearly is into this. Yeah. But why is he puking if they're, if they're spitting into his mouth? I don't, because it's probably nasty to eat someone's. But he wants it. Right. It's still, it's like, it's a two way thing.

He, he, it's the pain is pleasure. Yeah. Yeah. It's like some version of that happened. It's deeply wired in his head. And he's, he wants the, the, the humiliation be the great. He knows it's disgusting, but it also turns him on. You know?

I already just wanted to make him. I'm gonna let you have some scams that are really pissing me the fuck off. Let's start with this one. That's my name right there. Maksud. Okay. They put my name up there to show me how much gold they have and how they're going to get it to me for cheaper than I buy it.

Of course, I'm not retarded. So I would never fall for that. Right? Who is this? My hero. Uh, that was something that you sent to me a while ago. I sent this? Yeah.

You sent this to me. You're like, there's some good R words in here. Oh, um, and, uh, I mean, that's kind of already the highlight, but he's pretty much. That was pretty amazing. Like, yeah, it leads strong. And then he just explains how you get duped with, uh, with scams. What's the nature of the scam? They're hitting up anybody and everybody and they're saying they got gold for,

for a gold mine and this and that. Yeah. Okay. And these guys are doing all this things and using our images and using other people's images, just taking your $130, putting it in their pocket and telling you to go fuck yourself. Okay. I respect it.

I'm retarded. Okay. It's pretty cool. I like it. Some bullshit. I'm not retarded. Okay. You know what I just love about?

I love about America. Yeah. Is that not everybody gets the SJW memos on everything at the same time? It's great. Like it, it takes time for things to change. My favorite thing that I'm, it actually happened today about like just like so indicative of the culture of the world we live in right now. This, this is so not retarded.

Some people say retarded. Some people say retarded. How do you say it? Retarded retarded tomato tomato. Yep. What do you say retarded? I say retarded. I don't, I don't say that word.

Oh, stop it. This is a retarded. That's retarded retarded. How do you say this is a news article? You're not going to answer me. It's very important. This is a news article today. Babe, is it retarded or retarded?

I'm trying to do so. I need to ask a question. This is a news article today. Anna Paquin has seven lines in the Irishman. Robert De Niro is okay with that. Like they're implying, it's just like how bad journalism has gotten that this is trying to stir people up by saying, this is LA Times entertainment article. It's like Robert De Niro, they're in the movie, the Irishman, Scorsese's new

film was released in theaters for a while. It's on Netflix now, huge movie, three and a half hours, like just epic movie. She plays his daughter. She's like, you know, ninth on the call sheet. Like it's a, it's a more minor role, you know, like De Niro's the guy, Pacino's Jimmy Hoffa, Pesci's, the other Mafioso, like there's all these people, you know, the way a movie, a story is told. There's main characters and there's supporting character.

She's a supporting character. Robert De Niro is okay with Anna Paquin having only seven lines. Yeah. What is it implying? Like it's implying that like her. It's implying that he's okay, that she wasn't used more, but it's like he didn't write the script. He's just in, he's an actor in a movie.

Yeah. And let's say he does not like her on a personal level. So what? By the way, they also quote Anna Paquin's response to her seven lines. Yeah. She goes, no, nobody was doing any ordering. I auditioned for the privilege of joining this incredible cast. I'm glad to be, but like, why is this even written?

You know what I mean? Like why? Yeah. You're just trying to like make people go like Anna should have had more lines. Huh? Yeah. Like that's, they did the same thing for Margot Robbie in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. They were like, do you realize that Margot Robbie only speaks, you know, eight times?

And they're like, that's the role. Isn't that to imply that Quentin Tarantino, isn't that his movie? Yeah. That, oh, that women don't speak enough in his movies. That's not the trick. But however, if you look at like Pulp Fiction, there's women giving huge monologues. I couldn't even watch Pulp Fiction the other day because Uma Thurman wouldn't shut the fuck up in one of the scenes.

And I was like, I can't. It's too wordy. I got to get out. I know they're trying to stir up a controversy that just isn't there. How sad it is now, though. It's like, not only is this, you know, social justice should go over the top. They're making things up like these actors, like everyone wants more lines in a movie. Of course.

Yeah. Like that's what you, you know, you're trying to get a bunch of lines in them. Then they're like, you're doing it to women. You know, like, how come you gave Brad Pitt and the Caprio all these lines? I don't know. Because they're the two fucking main guys in the movie. Guys. Yeah.

Big fucking yeah. I don't know. But, but would you say that it's retarded or retarded? You're back on this, huh? Is it retarded? I'm just, I'm being serious. I don't say ret. I say re.

I say re. What do you say? Re. Yeah. Chris, go ahead. I don't think Chris says it. And stop. Everybody said you've never said the word retarded before.

Not like the last 10 years. Well, then let's hear it now. Just say it. Go ahead. You are not going to check me. But how, how would you start? How would you say it? If we.

Re or re? Just say it. I feel like it would be like a re, wouldn't it? Wow. You're the first one. What about, uh, what about Potter? Part. I say, retarded.

You use an owl on. Really not cool. Not cool. There's a sex worker. Yeah. All right. There you go. There you go.

There you go. So, um, I got. Mega dosed this weekend. What? Yep. Fucking Diaz. I'm such an idiot. I'm such an idiot for trusting him.

Yeah. I, he's an ass. I fucking, I was in Miami. He was in Miami. I called him. I go, I'm gonna be in Miami when you're there. He's like, oh, come, come by, hang out. I go, yeah, let's fucking hang out.

I go see him. By the way, when I talked to him, he's like, oh, I got these little, he says it in like a week earlier. He's like, I got these 10 milligram like little cookies. I go, oh, great. I go, that's my favorite. Just so you know, everybody has different tolerance for smoking for edibles.

Everybody knows, or if you don't know, Joey has an inhumane tolerance for both. Yeah. I've always been a lightweight with edibles. I'm happy with it though, because for me, a 10 milligram cookie is like having a glass of wine or something. Like I have like a mild buzz. Yeah.

It's nice. That's how I like to roll. And there's no calories. That's the best part. I just, I have exactly. And I have it and I can, I can watch TV. I can be social. I enjoy it.

I enjoy that dosage. He tells me this is what he's got, whatever. So we do my show in Miami at the Olympia, which by the way, beautiful place. Thank you everybody that came. I had a beautiful time there as well as in Melbourne at the King Center with Mike Cronin. So we had great shows.

I go, let's go see Joey. I'm sitting here like, oh, he's so much fun. He always makes me tell him different stories about Joey. We get there and I get to his show. His late show is about to start. And I'm like, Hey man, you know, it's, you know, good to see you. They're introducing the people I'm with. And then like, oh, do you have those, uh, those 10 milligram cookies or whatever?

He's like, yeah, it's in my jacket pocket. Go ahead. Go over there and get my jacket. I pull out, there's this thing wrapped and then there's a little container with pills and he's like, yeah, take one of those. And I go, I look at it cause like the, the letter, like the wording on it is confusing on the, on the bottle. And I'm like, what is this?

He's like the tens. And I go, really? He's like, yes. And I keep looking. I go, is this 10? Okay. I showing it. I'm like confused, but I'm also asking him.

I'm like, is this, cause I don't want some wild ride. He's like, it's 10. Jesus Christ. He opens it, pours four into his hand. He goes, I go, oh, okay. Like this can't be like a mega dose. Right. So then I give one to Mike.

I take one, put it back and I go, cool. I'm going to go watch your show now. Like I met Joey's show. It's going to be so fun. I go out there, my sister's at the show, my older sister. We're watching the show and like, you know, I'm enjoying it. He's fucking just annihilating and crowds going crazy. It's fun.

It's a fun environment, but like 30 minutes in, I start to feel. Here's the thing. If you take a light doses, like I do, sometimes those really mild doses will affect you a little differently. Like sometimes you barely feel it. Sometimes it feels like it normally does. And sometimes it feels a little stronger. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. And it's the same dosage. So I was like, I'm feeling it very mildly and I'm like, you know what I'm going to do for the last 10 minutes or so of his set? I'm going to go back to the green room because in that way it won't be all chaotic when everybody stands up. So I go back to the green room. I'm starting, I feel it.

I'm like, okay. And then like a few minutes later, I feel like it's a little bit, a little bit stronger. I'm like, oh, this is, I'm, I'm just feeling it. You know, I haven't, I haven't eaten one in a while and then the show wraps up. I still feel like just kind of high. And then he comes back and we're talking. I still don't know anything yet.

And then I text my sister. I'm like, come back to the, to the green room. She comes back. I start talking to her and then I'm like, oh shit, like I'm fucked. I could feel it like my, I could feel it like a fact. And I could also feel that like the, the task, the burden of talking to someone feels heavier. I mean, like I'm talking to her and I'm like, can you wrap it up?

Like, and she's like, she's saying things to me and I can tell she's looking at, but she doesn't know what's going on. She's like, you seem tired. I'm like, I am tired. And then I go, I got to sit down. So I sit down and like, you start to feel it more. Thank God I got, I have Sean with me. He's been shooting like a lot of those behind the scenes things and the videos

and he's like, do you want to get out of the green room? I was like, yeah, yeah. I walk outside and then I'm just talking to people and I can feel it. And I go, I go, we got to get out of here, man. We got to get out of here. We get out of there. Joey comes with we're fucking, I'm just out of my mind. We get on a flight on the flight.

I fucking wake Sean up because I passed out. I'd passed. God, that's good. I mean, I could feel my eyes pulsating, my body vibrating. I wake up Sean and he's like, what's up? I go, how come? Like, how come we don't? Why don't our existence exists?

Why? Like, what is the point of our existence? And if we're not examining that question, then why aren't we examining that question? And then I go, like, what are words? Words just come out. And he was like, he was being like, I got to tell you, I was OK. I was high. I was that high, like freaking out high for like six, eight hours.

I was high for another 26, 30 hours like the entire next day going to bed. I went to bed the following night, high. And then I'm call him. I'm like, the fuck did you give me? He's like, it's 10. I go, no, it's not. He's like, yeah, it's 10. And I go, the fuck is wrong with you?

He's like, are you home? I go, yeah, he's like, are you with your family? I go, yeah, he goes, what's the problem? I go, what kind of fucking criminal logic is that? You know, that's like the guy who you go, who's like, can you come pick me up? And then you pick him up and he pulls a gun on someone and like robs him. And you're like, the fuck was that? He's like, did you get robbed?

Yeah, everything's fine. I'm like, what? Why'd you bring me on this fucking trip, man? Like he just, here's what's crazy. On top of him, definitely fucking misleading me and I fell for it. I don't understand what goes on in his brain where he can pop four of those. Right? I go, how are you fucking functioning?

He's like, oh, I started to have panic attacks on stage before he went on stage. Oh my God. Yeah, he goes, I started to panic and I go, is that fun? He's like, yeah, you know, you know, you're alive. You've been hanging out with too many malooks that were on the same page. Oh my God. What? That would devastate me.

I'd be so messed up. I haven't been too high in a long time, but nothing is worse than being too high. I called my assistant. I had to tell her because she didn't know. I was like, hey, I didn't get to tell you because I was so paranoid. Yeah, like what was happening? I got so paranoid. And she was like, oh, she goes, yeah.

I go because like when you're when you're sober, somebody goes like, hey, why don't you say something? You're like, all right, right? You know, I'm sorry. I'm just like, but when you're high, like really high, she's like, why aren't you talking to us? I was like, ah, yeah, you can't even, you know, you feel like people can like see you or something. You know what's so funny is that because you came home super late that night and I was asleep and I swear to God. I was like, he's high because the way you came in and you didn't say, I mean, it was super late. Yeah.

But I was like, hey, babe, was that, you know, like I was awake and you're like, hmm, like you just were totally shut down and you just went to bed. I'm like, oh, he's high. You knew. Well, I knew you were with Joey too. So I'm like, he's fucked up right now. That's, oh, there's nothing worse than being too high. You know what helps me though?

When I'm too high is eating on pot. Like when I'm too high on pot. Yeah. If I eat, it'll take it down. This was a pretty strong, but you're fucked. Yeah. I mean, he still has not come clean as to what I took. He told me it was hash oil with pure TFC and he's like, it's the hash will get you.

That's what it gets you. And I'm like, okay. Like he's just, I know it was. It was just like a hundred milligram dose, which by the way, he took 400 before his show. And I would kill him. And he told me to have three earlier that day. I mean, I don't know. I don't know, by the way, how he's not like a paranoid schizophrenic though.

Like, wouldn't that at a certain number of doses just wreak havoc on your brain? Yeah. Wouldn't you just be like, like break? I thought I was going to seizure at one point. I could feel like my eyes were going, don't, don't. And I could just, you know, my thoughts were going. I was like, I'm going to have a seizure right now. And I'm to think that he's like quadruple dosing that.

Well, he also weighs a lot more, doesn't he? Is he outweigh you a bit? A little bit bigger. Meaning his body can probably. I don't know. But he's got a higher tolerance. He's got a high tolerance. Yeah.

No, people would commit themselves if they took what it took. I don't like the panic of being too high or drunk. That's all it is. Panic all the time. Yeah. I don't like the panic. He says you got to counterbalance it. With what?

Xanax. Oh, take a Xanax. Why are y'all freaked out? I'm like, okay. Oh, sounds horrible. Nobody knows that. What? I'm a doctor.

I'm like, okay. Yeah, I had, oh, you know what intrusive thought I had last week? Sure. I forgot when we were listing intrusive thoughts. Yeah. Every time I ride in Nuber, if I'm in the back seat, I have the thought of like throw yourself out of the car onto the highway.

That's a good one. Yeah. And I go like, no, you don't want to do that. By the way, he also, I'm his, I know Joey. He let Mike Cronin, a guy he just met, take that 100 milligrams, who was, who thought he was taking a 10 was like, oh yeah, this should be a nice night.

So I call him the night I'm like, how are you doing? He's like, I slept on the bathroom floor of a hotel. I just had horrible night just freaking out. He said he started to have intrusive thoughts of like, don't jump, don't jump off the balcony. Oh my God. That's like what they would tell you in the dare program when kids take LSD, they jump off of buildings and shit.

Let's see if we can get Mike on, because I want him to relay to you what this felt like. No, this is never take drugs with Joey Diaz. No. This is the point of the story. Never eat bread that's laying around near Joey. Don't eat candy around Joey. And also when he tells you it's mild, it's not.

Right. Don't forget that. Don't take anything around Joey ever. I remember he wanted me to do his podcast when I was pregnant and I was like, no way. I'm just going to get a contact high in that tiny room with you. I'm like, I can't go do your show. He's like, what's the problem?

Yeah, he's a crazy person. He goes, look, I just, I reset your batteries. Now everything's straight. I'm like, this is all crazy talk. You realize, right? Oh, here's Mike, right? I got to go. None of that makes any sense.

Hello? Hey, Mike, you're, I'm recording this call. I'm doing the podcast right now. I was just recalling the fun, fun night we had with Joey. Yeah, it was great. So you were given by me. I handed you what Joey said was a 10 milligram pill. Yeah.

Would you tell me like what your night was like just so that the audience knows that it's not just me? Well, I was fine when we were hanging out and I saw you start to go down. You were talking to Maria and I could tell she was just too much for you. Uh-huh. You just give a look at me and Sean with the wide eye. Yep. And I felt fine.

I took an Uber back to the hotel and was hanging out for a good hour. And then it just all hit me at once. What did it feel like? And I was like, um, like the highest you've ever been mixed with a panic attack. And just the general feeling that you're going to die. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a fun high, right?

It's not a fun high. It's not. It's not. And I thought they could pop it up in my head is I'm going to die in Tom's hotel room. And he's going to get in trouble for it. Did you really have that thought? Yeah. Oh my God.

It was bad and I'm going to throw up in the bed and they're going to charge so much money. That's hilarious. Did they, did you, you remembered, you said this because I didn't notice this. You said that when you took that pill that Joey stopped talking, looked at you and laughed. Yeah. He laughed maniacally while staring into my face. See, if I would have caught that right then, I would have fucking made myself throw up. I would have known what it was.

I totally missed that. Because at that moment, I think he was just going to play that joke on you. But now he knew that I'm also fucking over this guy. This guy, I just met. I'm going to ruin this guy's night completely that I just met. Yeah. Jesus Christ, man. It was.

Yeah, he's a real snowshoer. I see why you like him. Did you have, did you have fun, chill thoughts all night when you were that high? Oh yeah. I had a lot of thoughts like it was just don't puke on repeat. Just don't throw up, don't throw up. And then what would pop in was also don't jump off the balcony. Yeah.

And then I stopped and got, wait, why do you think that? Dude, I, you know what made me laugh really hard was you said you, you went from Miami, you drove to your parents place and you had to have dinner with them. And I know how you were feeling because I was still high the next night. And then you had dinner and I guess went to your room and your mother texted you. Are you all right? Are you really sad about something? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, no, I'm just really don't feel good at all. Yeah. Um, but that's just Joey doing us a cool favor. He just, he, he, he, he told me the next day he goes, uh, are you home? You with your kids? What's the problem?

Like, you know, like, like, uh, known felon logic when they're like, we got the money. No one got shot. What's the problem? Yeah, you gotta wait with it. Yeah. So, all right. Well, I'm glad you're okay. I'm glad I had somebody to share this absolutely terrifying experience with.

And, um, yeah, so can't wait to do it again soon. I'm glad I could, uh, I'm glad I could sleep on the floor of the nicest hotel room I've ever been in. It's so terrible. He fucking robbed us of our evenings. All right, man. I'll give you a call later, buddy. All right. Okay.

That's sad. So he wanted to fight vomiting all night. Yeah. He wanted to fight. And also he had, don't jump off the balcony thoughts. He said, oh my gosh. And then he said that he thought he was going to die, which I definitely thought I was going to die at parts too. But that, um, that he, he was also thinking that I would get blamed because I was going to, he was going to die in a room that was in my name.

Oh, what a nice friend. I know he's like, Tom's going to get charged. That's so nice. I know. Mike's a good guy. Well, I got extra mom drunk at Bauhaus two nights ago. She went to Bauhaus a second time in a month. It was so much fun.

And I brought my, my old goth friends with me and we all got so mom wasted. There's pictures of me I'm not proud of. Like at one point I had to lay down because I was so tired from dancing. It was fun. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. No, it's cool. It's cool.

I mean, it's cool to do the thing you really enjoy, you know? Yeah. And that's the thing I've really admitted to myself that because I for so many years, I'm like, you know what? I should probably just stop liking goth and like punk rock cause I'm 43 and that's super lame, but I'm like, you know what? I like it. I like it and I'm just going to embrace it and go back and revisit all the stuff

I loved as a teenager. And now I get to appreciate it in a new way and I do it nicer. Like I don't have to buy the cheap seats. This is exactly in line with what I was thinking. You're not going to like it at first, but just hear me out about jewelry because I did buy a chain. I did buy a chain. I bought a chain in Miami.

I thought it was the most Miami thing to do and here's the thing in Miami. It was celebrated. Everybody was like chain looks dope. Everybody I performed in it. Right. And here's what I was thinking. Okay. Oh boy.

I was thinking this like let's say I go. Hey, I want to get a, I want to start shopping for a car. Right. And you go, yeah, I mean, do I need a car? No. What do I get out of the car? I mean, yes, there's utility. It takes me from point A to point B, but I already have that.

The truth is I buy the car because it makes me feel a certain way. Right. Like I go feeling I get from this like going to the show. I think that that chains and jewelry and stuff is the same thing. So I think basically what I should do. Well, is hold on, is not buy another car. Okay. That's good.

But spend what I was going to spend on that car on jewelry. Okey-dokey. Because it makes me feel good. Well, I was that logic flawed. I like your, I like that you're appreciating it. Yeah. A joie de vivre. Yeah.

If you will. However, let me just say this. My night at Bauhaus was significantly less expensive than. I'm not saying that, that it's, I believe you. Right. But I'm saying that my night out was not as expensive as the gold chains you're discussing and also check out. Look at a big trip right here.

That beat that would look so good on me. And also the resale value on jewelry, especially highly customized is not very good. Yeah. It's really not a great investment. Yeah. But here's the thing. I'm not looking at it.

Like what I'm saying is you set a cap to what you're going to spend. Hold on. Hold on. You don't look at it as an investment. Right. You look at it as this is a purchase that is enjoyable. Right. It's your level of enjoyment.

Enjoyment. Exactly. Sure. You know. At least you get the box of crayons when that's how much do you think that one cost the, is it 69 crayons? Of course. No, 64 box of crayon.

Wow. I don't know. But I think that every, you know what I'm saying so far? Everybody with these on looks happy. You're right. They all look really happy. Yes. And I think I should embrace that.

You're right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, I don't, oh my life. These are really ridiculous chains. That one's a little much. Mm-hmm. What was it you were telling me when we were in Jewdork titties that Jay-Z and

Beyonce sent out Rolexes? They did as invitations. So they are like, you're invited to this party. That's nuts. And then your, this Rolex is your, is your entrance ticket. That's crazy. Yeah. I know.

Why don't we just do that? That's a good idea. Okay. For our next anniversary party instead of. An invitation. Send out Rolexes and we'll just drain the bank accounts and it's something that everybody remembers, everybody likes. It's memorable for everyone too.

The main thing is that everybody remembers it. Hey, do you remember that time? That I went broke buying you stuff? Yeah. It's a good idea. Here's the thing. I like your idea of enjoyment. However, we should come up with a number that is reasonable.

Yeah. I'd say that, that makes sense. Cause I'm like, again, my Bauhaus night. Okay. Not really breaking the bank here. I think maybe your necklaces. Could we cap it at $500? No, absolutely not.

That's a lot of money for a necklace. No, thanks. We're going to have to reframe your whole. I'm going to have to give you a mega dose because that is not. What's a number you think would make you happy? $75,000. Oh my God, stop it. I think that's reasonable.

As a budget. You're crazy. As a budget. You're crazy. That's so much money. Yeah, I'm supposed to get some cool jewelry for that. Babe. I would rather spend $75,000 on the racist YMH parrot because at

least that's an investment in the business and we get people really like the parrot. It generates more revenue for the show. I don't know that any of that happens. Well, people really like the parrot, the YMH parrot. And that's what they'll tune in for is the YMH parrot. Much like the fart mic. Did I lead us astray on the fart mic?

Yeah. No, people loved it. It saved that episode back when McDonald's was sponsoring the show, remember? People didn't like the set, but they liked the fart mic. Okay, well. I have great business ideas. The parrot is a great idea.

And I hope we can make that happen here. $75,000. Can we at least go half on that? All right. Can we not go cut it in half right away? Yes, but it's a ridiculous budget for a necklace. That's crazy. A quarter of the way down I'm down with.

We'll make it an even 50 and even 50. Yeah. That's so much money. Babe, no, that's that's like somebody's yearly income. That's ridiculous. Why is that? I mean, that's a lot of scratch, dude. $500.

I'll be okay. Yes. No. Will you wear it all the time? Well, here's the thing. Why don't we set that budget for different chains? No, no, that's the full budget, but I get different. This way I can go and switch up pieces sometimes, you know?

I really I. What's wrong? It's and then I don't buy a car. It's the same thing. But will you wear it a lot? That's what I'm saying. I'll get different pieces so I can switch them out all the time. Okay.

You're our word. You're retarded, not retarded. That's so rude. I'm not retarded. Okay. Ready? Yeah. Here we go.

It's a good product. You know, it's interesting. We talked about wet wipes in the tushy because we had a wet wipes clogging disaster in our GD toilet. We had to have the plumber come out. And here's the deal, man. Tom and I, we use the bidet attachment. Yeah.

To clean our a-hole. So I don't know who came over and use wet wipes. Yeah. And our freaking toilet. It's either Ellis, who's maybe shoving them down there for fun, which he is known to do. Could have been Potter. He came over.

The baby juju, Potter, and the dove has been over. Walking around with pocket wipes. Do you do that? Fuck no, dude. Are you using the tushy? Wet, wet, wet wipes are terrible. Do you know who has pocket wipes on them? No.

Sean. Oh my God. It was totally him. Let's call him up. Are you going to call him up? Let's call him right now. He fucking did it. I knew it.

When did he poop at our house? Let's just find out. He pooped at our house. This was before Thanksgiving, right? But Sean's always over at the house. He definitely did. He fucking carries on. Yeah, he does.

What savage is carrying around? He does. And putting them down our fucking plumbing. Mother F. It took forever, too. And the plumber charged us a fortune to get the fucking. Don't use that crap, man. I know.

Hi, you're reading on it. Damn. All right. Good answer. All right. But yeah, we're going to have to investigate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to do a full A-hole.

Now, Josh Potter was over. Josh, do we ask him? I don't think he browned. Did you poop at our house? I would never do such a terrible thing. Would you use the built-in bidet, or no? In your house? Yeah.

I would use it in my house. But if you had to dump, you still wouldn't use it? The built-in, where you just press a button. Oh, I guess if I had to dump, I would hold it until I left your home. Yeah, but you can poop at our house. Just don't flush wipes down, because that's what ruins the plumbing.

I'm not even flushing my feces down, you know? Nothing's going down. No? So you don't have to worry about me. What are your poops like? Are they like rabbit pellets, or are they full-sized? Because you don't eat very well.

01:12:59,100 --> 01:13:01,200 I really run the gamut. Yeah? I can go from liquids to full logs. Everything in between. I've had the pellet action. Yeah. Wait, did you have one today already? Today, did I poop?

You can't remember. Yeah, no, I did. How was it? It was solid today. Nice. Pretty good, yeah. Back in LA, eating better. Good, good.

We'll get a soupy one out there for you. I'll let you know. Thanks, I'm really looking forward to it. I didn't have any Batastrophes post-TG. I was thinking for sure, because you know, TG, I put a lot of butter in our sweet potato casserole. I had bad browns. Because of my TG food?

Just Thanksgiving night. Well, yeah, because it was a rich night. Yes, I made, I'm telling you what I made. Here's the menu. I did stovetop stuffing out of the box. That's a lot of butter. I did sweet potato casserole in butter. I did Brussels sprouts with bacon.

So there's a lot of grease there. And the turkey. And honey baked ham. You did a great job. And macaroni and cheese with five different cheeses. Yeah, it was intense. And heavy cream, heavy cream in there. So that's no joke.

And then I made four pumpkin pies and one pecan pie, as they say. Yeah. I fucking did a lot, bro. Yeah, I'm very, very impressed. A lot of butter, a lot of sugar. Thank you. I went for a second helping.

Do it again, do it again. I went for a second helping. It was really good. So I served myself more than a couple of plates. What's your favorite TG treat? I think it would be mac and cheese. Yeah, that's good shit. Stuffing.

I love stuffing. And, you know, that sweet potato casserole is also. It was off the chain. It was crazy. Now, for Christmas, I've already preordered my Hungarian delights. Nice. I'm getting by Glees. I just forgot to tell you.

I'm a Dobosch Torta. Ricarda gave me some treats yesterday. German treats. Yeah, that she baked. No shit. And you held. I held him. Where the fuck are they?

I forgot that I had them. You're killing me. Cookies? Yeah. They do. The Germans love to make little. Yeah, yeah, we got to reach out. They're not very sugary, though.

They don't enjoy sweets or fun things. What do I have coming up this week? I'll tell you, I start the week in Erie, Pennsylvania. There are tickets available for that. Columbus and Grand Rapids are now both all. They're all sold out now. And then I still have tickets available for Windsor, Ontario on December 8th. I'm at the Coliseum at Caesars from there.

Honolulu is almost gone. And I also do a show in Maui, December 29th. That wraps up the year. Then, Australia is all sold out. But I still have a few tickets left in Auckland, New Zealand on January 25th. And then, oh, some of my Spanish shows are on sale. I'm doing Spanish shows in Ontario, The Improv, Levity Live in Oxnard, Tempe. That's Spokane show.

That's English. I'm going to do the Spokane Comedy Club in February. And then, oh, I got One Night in Denver at the Comedy Works Downtown, One Show Only. That'll probably go quickly. And then I have Vegas shows. Looks like Ice House. Wow, I didn't know they put them all up. So they're all on sale now.

You can look at some 2020 dates. I'm hitting some clubs as I work out the new hour. And yeah, they already put the shows on sale. So go to tomscure.com slash door. One Night in Denver, huh? It's just my favorite. Yeah, I also just want to drop in and do One Night. And it's such a great place to feel good about a new thing.

Most definitely. So that's why I booked it, yeah. Good idea. December 12th is off at Flapper. So sorry. But I am doing December 5th and December 19th. And then I roll into 2020, January 9th through 11th, Austin. Yeah, they're coming.

They're coming, yeah. Um, okay. If I did that during your dates, you would have been livid. That's for the new dates? I'm going to come now? You don't want people to get excited about the dates? Oh my God. Do it again.

But do get, whoa. I like it. I like do it in between. Okay. Pick a different drop in between every city. Oh, okay. Okay. January 9th through 11th,

Momston Tejas at Cap City Comedy Club. He loves this company. January 30th through February 1st, Pustin, Texas at the Houston Improv. Oh, get off. February 14th through 15th. And that's Valentine's Weekend in Tampon, Florida. Tampon, right?

What was that one? What's that? I think that's the rub, rub guy. Yeah. Oh, March 7th, the make good from October 25th at the ice house in Pasadena. Oh, I'll make you come. Great.

March 13th and 14th. It says Dural, Florida, but that's the. That is, it's in Dural. Why haven't you heard of Dural? It's a part of Miami. I thought Miami improv. Yeah. I have come all over my face.

March 26th through 28th in Dallas, Texas at the Addison Improv. So I get my fiber in my diet. What's Dallas? What do we call that? Phallus. That's Phallus. April 3rd through 4th.

Jewdork titties, Caroline's Comedy Club. April 24th through 25th. Demois, Iowa at Le Fony Bone. I will come all over your cock. June 12th through 13th. Fartnecks, Arizona at Stand Up Live. Tickets at Christina P. Online. Make daddy squirt.

I think we just found a new way to do dates. That's a good way to do dates. This is kind of amazing. Did we just come up with that after all the time? Yeah. I was amazed. It was pretty great. My jeans.

My jeans got so tight on that one. It was pretty great. Oh, get off. That one's my favorite one. It's pretty great. So there it is. You got all our dates. You are not doing, what is it, the 12th?

The 12th. But you're back the 5th and the 19th. That's right. Lappers. I have apparently a bunch of new dates on sale that I had no idea about. So that's good to know. Please get those.

And yeah, this was a really fun episode, June. I enjoyed it. Yeah, it's a classic, June. It's the way we used to do it all the way. So yeah, we'll be back next week with a guest. Thanks for sticking around with us. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening.

Bye, jeans. Bye, jean. Come for me. Come for me. Oh my god, I'm in a bath. Come for me. Come for me. Oh my god, I'm in a bath.

Come for me. Come for me. Oh my god, I'm in a bath. Come for me. Come for me. Oh my god, I'm in a bath. If your subconscious mind obeys me, accepts the programming that I put into it,

absorbs what I say, and you go into the deepest, most, the most sexual place you know, pressure on the edge of an organism feeling, pressure, you can't resist it, pressure, you're very, very strong. Pressure, we got something. Yeah, I'm gonna come now.

I'm coming. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, baby. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, baby. Oh, I can't, oh, oh, oh, oh, baby. Oh, I'm gonna come now. I'm for, oh, oh, oh, baby, oh, I'm gonna come now. I'm for, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, baby.

Oh, I'm gonna come now. I'm for, oh, oh, oh, ooh, baby. Oh, I'm gonna come now. Come for me. It's so sexy. Come for me. Oh my god, I'm in a broth as well. Come for me.

I'm gonna come now. Come for me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh. Come for me. Come for me. Oh my god, I'm in a broth as well. Come for me. Oh.

Come for me. Yeah, I'm gonna come now. Ah, ah, yeah. Yeah, I wanna, there's a coming up man. Fuck the hell man. You're walking around here in your home. You've got no place to live man. Or if you're just a crackhead or a drug addict.