Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 530-Andrew Santino-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 19, 2019

Uhhhhh say around 8 o'clock, 8:15. The jeans are high and tight for this episode! The main mommies re-visit Charles from Match.com and watch a video of some cool newscasters. They find out what some of the YMH staff does and doesn't enjoy in the bedroom. Would you let a wolf lick the inside of your mouth? Mommy Tina and Tom lend their opinion. Andrew Santino is a stand-up comedian, actor and host of the Whiskey Ginger podcast. He's back in Studio Jeans for the third time. They talk Mickey Mantle's unfortunate early passing and doing interviews as a comedian. Santino then takes a look at some of our favorite videos including Charles from Match and the Friend of the Wolves. Also, we get an update from his friend Rick from Amsterdam!

And... I'm having chest pain! All right. I'm having chest pain! Oh! Is he drunk too? He sounds a little wasted. I think he's just dying. And that's a similar feeling probably.

I'm having chest pain! Do you think it actually maybe feels good? To die? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I've been thinking about death a lot. Not like beating to death, but I'm saying like... It doesn't feel good.

There's gotta be a nice release, right? If you're really old, if you make it to your 90s, I think you want the sweet grip of death. You want it. You want to go away. Well, you've been on the earth. I mean, I'm already 43 and I'm like, I'm done enough. I know.

If it weren't for our children... If we didn't have kids, I'd kill myself for sure. You think so? Couple years ago. Couple years ago? Yeah. What about me? Yeah, no, for a while longer.

I'd stick around for a while. But I'm serious. Like, if we didn't have children, I don't even know what I would do with all our free time. How many movies can we see? How many brunches can we go to? Yeah. How many movies can you...

You know what I mean? Yeah. You said movies twice. Did I say movies twice? You did. That's how little you have to think of. My brain, I haven't slept in four years. Yeah.

Well... Welp. Who was that? Was that the guy? Someone in pain. Who was that guy, the video from last week? That creeper? Oh, Charles.

Charles, yeah. What's going on? It's Charles. It's Charles. Yeah, he's telling you about stuff he's got going on. I just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. You know what's funny is people who,

like sometimes people will see an episode and then they'll reach out and they'll be like, I don't think that guy is that weird. And I'm like, oh, you're pretty fucking weird then. If you don't think that guy's weird, you're weird for sure. You don't get it. Well, there's people that get it. And then there's people that don't wear their jeans.

Exactly. It's like everything. There's always people that don't get it. Don't get it. Do you wear your jeans up or are you low on this? Or are you fucking somebody who's... Our pussy's itch. You have the itchy pussy.

Now, there really is a lot to cover. We have a great episode. My pussy's itches. What if I said that to you? I'd be like, you should probably scratch it. That lady said that all women's pussy's itch all the time. But they don't. My pussy really doesn't itch that often.

Well, this lady was like, it's never not itching. I don't think she knows that she might have a little issue. Yeah. She should go the doctor. Oh, let's open the show. Go to the doctor. Let's get into it. We've got a lot to cover.

Let's go. Let's go. Here we go. How about let's talk about some birthdays. Amos Gomez is 18 years old today. Also, it's her birthday. Casey Aguirre is 41. And then, sorry, I'm going to put you in the same chupa.

My bear gawd is a piece of shit. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Setsura, and Christina Pajitza. Welcome to your mom's house.

I'm feeling it today. I realize what I've been doing wrong with the theme song. What's that? I haven't been turning it up loud enough. There you go. When I really have it loud and I rock, I feel that shit, bro. How can you not? Yeah.

You're dead inside. Feels electric. You don't fucking dance every time you hear the opening riff. She thought we had bear gawd. They got her. You fucking white lady. She never heard you put me bear gawd. It reminded me of the Asian Airlines crash.

Then they called in, they sent the names to the newscasters. We have breaking news. The names of the pilots are now being reported. It's Captain Sum Ting Wong, We Too Low, Holy Fook, and Bang Ding Ow. Everybody was like, ah, that's, that is not correct. This lady is such a honky. Where was this? I don't know.

Some regional honky. Shit. She said she put me, bear gawd, 27. Why don't you translate. Suck my dick is 27. Because some people listening don't. That's true. That is very Mexican slang.

It's Mexican. Which leads me to believe this might be an LA based thing. Why? Is this a local telecast? Well, because it's Mexican. Well, I would think that like somebody in that control room or on staff in LA would know. I can't believe it.

Well, if you've worked in a restaurant in LA, you've heard that a few times. Chew put me bear gawd. That's how I learned that. Or if you just walk to middle school. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was chupa mi paloma. First of all, this is one of my favorite things about you is when my cousin named

his first daughter Paloma, which is Spanish for dove. So he's like, we're naming our kid Paloma. And you're like, they used to say chupas mis palomas. Like they're naming their kid balls. Yeah. No, pelotas. Oh, pelotas is that makes sense because that's a ball. Oh, my God.

I'm so stupid. I just put that together now. Yeah. They were saying suck my doves. Oh, my pelotas. Yeah. You didn't sit. Did you tell me that before?

Yeah. I got my brain inspected for all time. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was. I thought their name and their kid after nuts. That was pretty bad. Yeah.

Yeah. It is. It's a pretty Latin name. It's like they are. Paloma? Yeah, of course. Okay. So.

We don't need to be a doctor or a lawyer. Okay. I guess we're going down that lane today. We're not assimilating to this culture. Gotcha. Okay. That's why my parents gave me an American name when we moved to America. Okay.

I'm not a racist. Okay. Okay. That's your, it's Christina talking earlier today. I gotta tell you, I watched a dating show. It's called The Undatables. And Google this. It's on YouTube.

It's actually quite lovely. It's very sweet. The Undatables. And there's two people with Down syndrome dating. And it was so sweet. At first, you know, when you go into something and you're like, this is going to be hilarious. And then I was like, oh, they're people. You know, and then I felt really sweet.

It was like heartwarming. And their courtship reminded me a lot of ours because she was like, she wanted to write him the man a poem. And she was clearly way more into him than he was in her. You know, like she was all mushy and affectionate. And he was kind of a drawing. Charles was his name. I feel like that's how we are.

I'm always like, I love you. I'll write your poems. You're like, yeah. Yep. You know, like a mentally challenged dating couple. Really? That's how you think we are. It reminded me of us watching mentally disabled people.

You were like, that's like us. It was like us. I forget her name. Charles and something. You're throwing like all fastballs today. Well, it's listen. I went down a TLC, the learning channel rabbit hole. And there's a few shows.

I know I watched one with you. Well, I tried to watch one and then we watched another one because I've been curating. You know me. I like to find the best entertainment out there. And I found a show called my feet are killing me, which is about people with foot diseases. Yeah. It was too hard to watch. It was disgusting.

We watched three minutes. We watched their teaser. And it was like, first of all, it was like an ankle snapped in half with the bone sticking out of the skin. I don't like that. Fuck. And then it was skin rashes, nail fungus. You know.

I know. It was just, it was all horrible. I know. And the doctor was like a hot lady. Yeah. She was really cute. She was trying to be a man to go into her. I know.

It's the worst. It's gross. I don't, I would not go to her if I were a man. No. Do you have an uglier doctor here? You always want your vagina, butthole, whatever doctors do, unattractive. Oh my God. If I had my dick examined by a hot lady doctor, I would write to her and be like, oh, no,

I don't feel good. I got to come back some other time. No way. Well, because even our, unless I hadn't jerked off in like two weeks, that was just really full. And I was like, oh, that's what it always looks like. Have you ever gotten hard during an exam? No.

Your dick almost goes inside of you during an exam. I've actually looked down and been like, I've never seen my dick so small until this moment. What about when they stimulate your prostate? Isn't that part of your... It's so fucking aggressive. He doesn't gently do it at all. He goes like, uh, uh.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, fuck. And then he's like, I got to check. You're really jabbing it in your ass. And you're like, fuck, man. And then he's like, all right, your prostate's fine.

You're like, God damn. You want to take it easy? He had to give it a tug. Yeah. No, it's like, it's really aggressive. Just the merchandise. Fuck. I mean, that was the, that was, I'd never had that done.

And that was really aggressive. Yeah. Because our doctor, we share... Because the girls that have fingered my ass have done it in a more gentle way. No girls finger your B. Yeah. Who's fingered your B? What do you want?

Your fucking number? Yeah, I do. It was a while ago. Is it that slut from Africa? Hey, no. Who was it? She's American. Really?

Yeah. Who fingered your B? Tell me. But you don't know her. I'm fucking looking her up on Facebook. You can find her. Anyways. I wasn't the first guy she did it to.

I'll tell you that. She was a fucking seasoned vet. 100%. Any girl that whips out that move? Oh yeah. And by the way, she does, she did it like on first, like first time. What? Yeah.

That's a varsity hoe. Yeah. No, I was like. No, good girls don't do that. Wife material doesn't do that. She is cool. I remember that. I bet any, right?

How many girls have put their finger in your B hole? Lots. Every girl's tried. I'm not down with it though. You've never tried once? No, no, no. I don't like it. Dude, you gotta let it happen once.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You'll like it. I promise. All right. Take it for a ride. Just take it for a ride.

Just see. I'm serious. Yeah. Native, have you had a finger in your B hole? Yeah, once or twice. What? Yeah. I don't even know you.

Yeah, it's pretty neat. Yeah. How are you? Yeah. There's a reason why he said it's pretty neat. Oh my God. And then I've also. I've also jabbed it in a few bubbles.

I know. One time I. Trish was a little wasted that night. Bobby got away with it a few times. The first time I did it to somebody, I forgot to wash my hands. Oh no. Maybe after or before. After.

Oh, Tom. It was her place. And then I fell asleep. I woke up and I was like, what? Did I eat chocolate before I went to bed? Oh my, stop it. There was brown on your finger. Yeah.

No. Yeah, of course. It was in her brown hole. There was chocolate on your finger. Yeah, dried up. Ugh. Like a lot of chocolate. Oh, not a little bit.

You are so nasty. That means you feel dooky when you put your fingers up there. No, no. You didn't feel dooky. But if you. But you're telling me you had caca under your nails. That means you touched it. No, it was just like all over the place.

Oh my God. Anyways, so TLC, the learning channel, we dipped out of my feet are killing me. Yeah, quickly. If you're into that medical stuff. It's like you got to be ready for gore. It's basically a gore show. People like that stuff. I know.

I know. I mean, I don't like gore. I can't do it. It really is like, like severe infections and broken bones. It's like, fuck, man. It was too. I thought I was going to like ride with it for a minute. I couldn't.

I kept gagging in like the first couple of minutes. Oh, and then there's a show. People with no limbs. I'm like, I don't want to. This is too depressing. Yeah, I didn't want to watch that either. And they have, they still do. Remember, we used to watch little people, big world.

Yeah. And I'm not interested anymore. But why don't, you know what they should do is merge little people, big world with that tiny house show and it'll be like a mansion for them. They could commit suicide by jumping off the counters. What the fuck? What? What?

I'm just saying, if they want to come up with the next hit, I've got one. It's little people, big world in the tiny house. Yeah. But then, then the counter is not that high. Oh, that'd be regular house suicides. Yeah. Right. It would just be little people, regular house, imminent death.

That's a great idea. Can you imagine how horrible in the middle ages to be a little person, we're right away. They're like, you're a clown. Do, just walk around for us. I know. And then somebody just like, you want me to throw this guy and kill him maybe? And they're like, yeah, just watch it. Yeah.

Your only job options as an LP back then was court jester and what, foot rest. There's nothing else for you. Yeah. You did nothing. They couldn't, you couldn't do anything. No, they just probably would walk up and just fuck your mouth. Like the guards, I'm sure. They were just like, fuck that guy's mouth.

And there's nothing you could do back. They're mouth fucking station. Absolutely. Yeah. They just go up to them and just bend them over. They're just like, come dogs. You're saying that little people and the, hold on, let me get this straight. Like a thousand years ago.

You're saying in the medieval period, little people were come dogs, like the original come dogs, punching bags, you know, yeah, like cartoon, comedian. They're like, do a cartwheel, do, you know, do flips, do a, do a somersault. It's so messed up. It was horrible. Yeah. But now they're, you know, they can do real things like that. Peter Denklage, right?

He's a serious, he's a serious actor. I don't watch that show, but they say he's very good. Oh yeah. No, no, he's one of the, yeah, he's A-list talent. Yeah. That's interesting, isn't it? And I follow a little person on Instagram. She's a famous actress and she's like on the cover of like Vogue and.

Yeah. So. I know this inclusion shit is just getting crazy. So. Tolerant. Oh really? You're a person. I know.

So. We then watched. Boring. We watched like that, like Strange Sex, I think it's called. I think it's called Strange Sex. Yeah. We have 12 episodes, a lot to go to. We watched two last night.

The first one, this dude comes buckets. Oh my gosh. He had, he's truly multi orgasm. That's actually him. Scroll down. Okay. You see the guy smiling with his face turned. Like his face is tilted.

But right there. That's the guy. This guy is truly multi orgasmic. So that can happen with, it's more common with women. Some women, you know, have multiple work with guys to have base, essentially no refractory period, meaning after orgasm, most men, you know, kind of shut it down. They need time before they do it again. This guy can go right into sex again.

He is in, he said his record was seven orgasms in 14 minutes. He also has full loads every time. Full clips. Full clips. Cause he went. He went to a doctor. What was that? Oh, there he is.

Yeah. He went to a doctor and to prove that he's multi orgasmic. And he went into the room and he ejaculated five times in 15 or 20 minutes. And the doctor was like, these are all individual loads. This is good work. Well, and they showed the loads on TLC. Yeah, they did. They showed his sample cup and it was like, brr.

That was one. A lot of load. And then the second one. Brr. Yeah. Right, Gene? How much load? Yeah.

It was like this much. Yeah. I mean, he was. He was coming back. But his fifth load, he said, was a dry one. So he actually, he was out of just. He was out of it. But he's still at an orgasm, you know.

His, so he married a woman from Quebec and. Yeah. She's sweet. Sweet lady. And she was like, yeah, he can really fuck. And then she goes. No, she said that, you know, he, he, he needs it, right? Like he's, he's, he has a very high sex drive.

She goes, I had to start working out because he likes getting jerked off a lot. So she started doing a shake weights and they show her working out. She's like, I had to get my forearms up. Yeah. Because sometimes I'll have to jerk them off like five times a day. And then she's like, sometimes I just want to go to sleep and I can't. It sounds so horrible with this man. His needs are just too many.

And she's, yeah. And then, um, oh, oh, but what's interesting is that because he was overweight for essentially his sexual beginnings. And so he masturbated a lot, he said. And then he lost 60 pounds and he was able to date women, but he could not have an orgasm with another woman until he met his wife. Yes. And we got us thinking about Josh quite a bit because he was like for a long time.

Uh, here's this guy who now is this, right? But he was like, I could not, I could not climax with a woman. And then when he met this lady, he had an orgasm with her. And now he's like, can't stop. I'm going to come to him. Get off. Get off. I think about that drop daily.

Yeah. There's at least once a day in my head, I go, get off. Yeah. So, but here's the best part about this, this couple is that now that he can bust nuts all the time, he goes to the wife. Remember they've only been together like a year and he's like, I think it's time for us to explore other people. Right away.

She's like, what? Well, yeah. But I mean, if you're that guy, he's like, I'm coming 20 times a day. Like, unless you are like the same level. Yeah. He needs to be out there. He does. Yeah.

Yeah. A lot more. He does. I couldn't stop. Yeah. That guy. And then, oh, then they had, we watched another episode of it where a guy has a giant fetish. That's where like the fetish is that the woman is like Godzilla height, you know, King Kong.

And she's destroying a city. And then he is just. Is that what it is? Yeah. So it's like that where like the guy's like, oh no. Yeah. She crushes buildings, puts them in his mouth. She eats them.

I think it's cute. It's like that cars video. It's like a very, that's it. Like she's sitting. Yeah. Sweet. What's it called? Yeah.

Steps on them and eats them and crushes them. But it seems like it's a very submissive thing. Like see that lady, scroll down a little more in the middle there. She's like sitting on a city. Yeah. It's silly. I like this. Does she ever put him in her badge?

I saw it hanging between the cleavage. That was one. That's that. That's funny. But I imagine that would be the ultimate is for her to shove the little tiny man in his in her badge. And then you know that didn't come up. It was like cleavage and mouth.

Why not? Eat them. What do you think? Are you into that? Into the. Giants. Giants. Yeah.

Not that giant. Yeah. You can't put her. Sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of cool. But not like 80 feet tall.

Right. Yeah. Well because you can't really touch your titties. You can't really. Well that's the whole thing though. I think for them it's that it's. She's the dominant. She's super dominant.

That's what it is. It's like a super. It's power. It always is. And you can't banger. No you can't banger. Her thing is super big. Yeah.

You can't banger. So really what's the gratification you masturbate just to the idea of the giant test crushing you and harming. Yeah. It's like she has all the power. Yeah. So yeah. It's like a BDSM thing.

Kind of similar. I don't know. Good for them. Yeah. I mean that's a. It's not an easy one to fulfill. It was exciting. I was.

It was fun to watch the. They showed the guy who has the fact he's a young guy 24 and his friend was like I think it's pretty fucked up and I told him that I don't know if he wants to do this show. Yeah. Well that's what we were talking about. Like what clueless nerd alert is going on TLC and being like I masturbate to a giant woman. It's because.

I do. Your brain is so strong that it's overwhelming your reason. That's what Dr. Drew always says that men just have zero ability to be reasonable. Yeah. When when the sex part of your brain takes over you can't talk. That's like that guy was like you don't you don't need to do a TV show about it. And he was like I like it though. He's not thinking.

What how old does that start. How long does it where you get overwhelmed by thing. I think you start to get overwhelmed by it in like your mid like 15 you know I mean like it starts to drive up 13 for it but I think by the time you're like 15 16 you know. What is that like. Do you just you're 24 seven thinking about trying to have sex with somebody. How can I get sex from somebody. Yeah.

Yeah. You're overwhelmed. It's a horny. You're super horny. You know you're jerking off. I'm talking about no refractory jerk off and then you're still hard and then you go to school and you're just staring at girls and you're like fuck. And then yeah you get home when you go to sleep you're thinking about sex you have wet

dreams right like even if you're like it becomes overwhelming I think it sounds debilitating. How do you guys focus on your you start to like channel your energy. You know I mean like in high school and stuff you're playing sports and you're doing things and and then you get into the workforce but yeah it could be overwhelming. That's why men kill at that age 18 is when you go into the military that's why guys fight all the time. They're just testosterone is coursing through their veins jacked up on on T yeah and then when does that wane.

It starts to wane like as you get into your you start to feel more I guess normal in your late 20s and that's it. That makes sense because I hated dating boys until they were like 28 yeah that's like the magic number not you. You were very mature. You were already 40 when you were like 23 but I was still jerking off in your hair and your pillow and your sheets very but I tell you you're very you're still very sexually active.

Yeah I mean you're you're pretty good and I'm doing all right. I would say you haven't really slowed down yeah no but I can sense I mean I'm 40 I can sense obviously a huge difference from being 25 right what does it feel like now like you feel like your brain is more normal yeah a little more calm the rage is gone the rage is gone yeah you're like a woman and then by the time you're 60 you're like a woman where you're just reasonable probably not ruled by your genitals and stuff right and then now though with the you know the way that medicine and technology have progressed as soon as men's testosterone wanes we get it artificially yeah like I need some tea

and then so guys stay crazy till they die. I guess it makes sense from a procreation standpoint like for you to want to bust nuts of course the species yeah yeah it's biological man geez it's so funny I don't I don't think girls are wired we're obviously not wired that way where you're just horned out I mean all the time you're interested obviously but we have so much responsibility at periods and pregnancy yeah ours is definitely not as simple as you guys yep he's got to come wish I had that for a long time wanting to come all the time yeah it's all you guys think about we are we're like oh I have to get my period it's embarrassing someone's gonna see

the blood my breasts I'm embarrassed you know yeah did you get bone are we afraid of getting boners and stuff oh my god that's gotta be gross oh my god in school like you just start like you know when you start getting boners and you're like looking at girls wearing skirts you're like fuck yeah you just be in class and they'd be like can you come up here and write this on the board you'd be like yeah you just have boner you have boners like 19 hours a day at one point oh my gosh that's really yeah that's really disgusting actually I didn't know that and you don't know that stuff when you're a girl that age I had no idea that was happening around me basically a bunch of rapers potential rapers I don't

know that I would go how about you guys are all gross I mean we don't pin people down but that you have to learn how to contain that yeah yeah yeah instinct you have to learn how to go yeah I can't yeah they give you the don't rape speech you're like what cuz back in the medieval period you could you probably just rape the shit out of people yep special little person yeah you are raping but girls would get married at like 15 that's why I realized that in that period pretty much everybody knew what it was like to murder someone I know how great somebody would just like charge into your house and you just fucking oh yeah I just I just act this guy's head off I don't think so I think the king would punish

you first for killing and that's a balloon still and all that the king could kill you oh yeah king did yeah and it was also a show for people they're going to call what's the murder I would love to see that murder show that would be kind of fun but how bummed are you cuz you could definitely get away with murder back in the medieval period I wouldn't say I'm bummed no science it's just but you could have killed your own servants and stuff like if they did something wrong yeah like I thought I asked for ice coffee not hot coffee and their life seems reasonable this is reasonable I hope you enjoy this I think you're gonna like this quite a bit here we go as I enter the wolves territory I am so excited I crouched

down and made sure to keep my energy calm it's important to greet a wolf openly so they can learn everything about you and trust you this means keeping low so you are less frightening she's meaning wolves stupid bitch when wolves greet they will want to lick inside your mouth this is perfectly normal for them and this is what they do to one another on a daily basis if you can tolerate it you should allow this as they will trust you more and can learn everything about you as a person what am I seeing do you realize first of all this is the best thing I've ever seen why have I not seen this in 40 years well you're seeing it now it's not only is it it's fully tongue in her mouth fully tongue it's not like when a dog kind

of licks your chin and your lip it's like it's like fully making out with her and the the force that is right there that those that wolf cannot just tear your face off it could crunch every bone in your body with a bite go right through the bones snap them in half and she's like ah well not only that this is not a domesticated dog oh really this wolf diet no I'm meaning meaning he's not eating alpo out of the can't fuck no he's dismembering whatever pigs or whatever wild all you have to do is greet it when it's kind of hungry and it's gonna be like oh just eat this person body movements should be calm and fluid sharp movements will frighten and shock them making you look threatening so gently gently is the answer

this is why women are often more readily accepted by wolves than men as men naturally exhibit heavier movements have a taller stature and a deeper voice okay why is she encouraging people to do this I don't I don't know why it's you should right why isn't it an advice column on how to get wolves to look they were lower ranking wolves and it was important to make sure I greeted the wolves in order of ranking and make sure to ignore the lower wolves when the leaders approached which is a little sad but safer for them as it means they will be told of far less she's letting all every wolf lick in her mouth in they all take turns and she goes oh I think oh god I I mean listen everything up until the wolf licking in her mouth I'm

I got it okay I get it the wolf is a cousin of the domestic dog right it's not it's not that bananas it's not safe but the licking in her mouth is making me crazy I mean you let bits I wouldn't even let bitsy lick inside my I'm not trying to make this sexual but I feel a lot of blowbang vibes yeah like she's down on her knees and just any animal can just stick whatever they want in her mouth so she's the midget I mean I'm sorry little person in this scenario just talking about blowbangs in general no stature implied here oh my life despite merit being the leading female braga the large male was indeed top of the pack and he had decided that my ear and tummy tickles should be just for him and was not slowing coming forward with his snarls and piercing stairs at

look at those teeth did he wasn't happy that she was commanding my attention look at that mouth it's bananas and he is growling less than a foot from her face the only thing that would make this better would be if that that wolf just ripped her to pieces right in this stupid bitch he's like don't ignore me bitch and just fucking tore her well now that he got a taste for her mouth and like a new voiceover guy takes over and that's where she learned her lesson um I love look at those fucking teeth oh I know and don't you love when people name wild animals too they're like braga yeah taco frank and damien camo like what tiffani what no stop naming wild animals you bitch Jesus Christ people are

it's quite hard to keep still during a wolf altercation especially when it's happening right in front of your face all teeth and snaps oh it's very important not to move in case of redirected aggression on to you the altercations only lasted a little while and it's soon all died down oh fuck this fuck this is this is one of the worst experiences that I could possibly imagine god now the wolves were very relaxed around me had accepted me into their group oh I felt it would be wonderful to now try a pack how this lady is out of her mind completely out of her mind that was that is one of the craziest things I've ever seen yeah somebody just doing I mean we're is this at a sanctuary or just like

on the side of a fucking hill um it is I think maybe in Sweden or maybe it's a I think it's a Norwegian national park where they're like here's something you could do here no which is wild we should say to everyone at home do not try and befriend wild wolves and pet them and let them look the inside no no what see the thing that always that if you do understand when wolves they will want to lick inside your mouth just so you know what I never understand is this incessant need for humans to fuck with the animals I know why do you have to get in like dangerous why do you have to mess with the wolves they don't want any party you man yeah it's like that timothy treadwell remember when he got eaten by the wolves we couldn't be

happier remember of course tom and I saw that movie together grizzly man and we were just dating was it when did we start laughing was it the audio of when he was getting mauled no I knew I looked at you and I knew you would father my children because we had a connection it was when the helicopter pilot called him the arward yeah he wanted to go and have me drop him off where the bears are and I was like this guy and everybody was like oh we were laughing pretty loud that is one of the I'm gonna take her out again yeah I knew you were for me I mean what a nut bag leave the animals alone leave them alone it's totally crazy she's not even doing this for a positive reason she's not like you know

saving them or yeah um easier oh if you don't if you don't follow me on social media you might not know that a few weeks ago I did a Sam Adams commercial and it was part of their campaign to toast someone oh boy I toasted you I know I can't I was really honored and flattered and I can't sort of you immediately made a joke about it what do you mean well let's watch it and we'll talk about it I'm not good with feelings thank you thank you there you go those that don't know I'm a comedian so my whole life is uh trying to be funny to me the idea of toasting someone is exciting I love the idea of toasting someone and saying that a lot of what I get credit for is because of you Sam Adams for me reminds me of friends and family it's the perfect beer to toast somebody with

if I had a bunch of beers in my fridge and you just came over and I don't really know you I'm not going to give you one I would save it for somebody of higher value I've chosen to toast my wife Christina P she's everything to me I could think of nobody more deserving to be toasted babe yes brought you here because I want to toast you oh thank you I have nothing but amazing things in my life and I think they're all because of you oh well I think you know in comedy there's very seldom sincerity sincerity is mocked for whatever reason I guess for just the reason that comedians are kind of jerks to begin with but it's probably not healthy I kind of want to keep all those feelings buried deep inside forever but you know I'm gonna go for it today

I have just the most amazing life two beautiful boys incredible career all of it is directly tied to having you by my side this is like real stuff I know because I was like what are you gonna say but my wife's got the biggest sloppy as tits I appreciate those well I do yeah so I married you but just turned out that you were more than that yeah you're the best I love you so much and I don't think I would have anything as awesome as I have in my life without you you so wouldn't I think you would just be sleeping on a mattress on the floor if it weren't for me I think you're right people's bed yeah well I appreciate you you know that too I know how hard you work so that we can have nice stuff because stuff's the most important yeah I love you I love you you mean the world to me

so I just want to toast you oh thank you I love you I can't believe we've been together for so long I know it's time to move on but for the time we've been together you've been great I think I need to drink this all right my second wife's gonna suck next to you who are you gonna marry next some 22 year old dummy that was so touching that was a much longer version that was the real that was a long version yeah I didn't realize that there was a long version yeah oh it was really nice of you Tom I even teared up just now rewatching it well look if you're watching or listening now you're like what's going on I want you to know that the show hasn't shifted I mean we're still you know and our pussy's fucking stank oh my god they smell like fish our pussy's itch Christ

they have these huge words that grow on them I just I have to say that I when you did give me that toast I did I did well up yeah yeah I was very moved and then I thought oh there people are gonna make fun of me for crying yeah and I don't want to look stupid no I know I actually like you know here's the thing in it is true that I can stand it like if you make a post on social media and you're in any way some sincere sincere right away or like the fuck's wrong with you you're like ah sorry yeah we're very hateful yeah that could be like our the you know if you're a comic and you start doing sincere thing people get very very upset but it feels it actually does feel good to express you know gratitude and and all that it's just yeah we don't get to do it that much

well we're not that couple who does a lot of lovey-dovey posts on social media we're like today's our anniversary my my guiding light I love you so much like that's just not our style no way I'm not retarded so no I don't do that but uh but it is fun god I look fatter than that like I always I was talking about this with birthday they like how you know when you like I just wrapped up a tour basically I mean I still have a few dates yeah left but it's essentially done and you want to like express your gratitude for like the people that came out the whole thing coming together right but you know and I feel like in our world people are like what you stop being sincere yeah I know well don't if you feel that thankfulness you should say it I mean I always

think I always do you're very gracious that way I try I try to uh express as much as I can but you you know that was a really nice piece Jane I do I feel like I looked really fat though I think they couldn't have made the angle was not very flattering on my face you look great um you're very fucking fat I look very fat I feel very fat oh man I feel like I've been getting fat injections in my sleep and no one's told me about them it's hard with the holidays you know I made five different pies and then we finished most of them oh boy I know but what a touching I really do appreciate you doing that for me because I was thinking who else you would have toasted like who else was on the list of people the

short list your mom probably your dad yeah I could have done parents I was thinking I was even thinking of blue band oh yeah doing toast for you oh that's very nice yeah um he does deserve a toast yep um this little nest I was thinking of Bert too I was thinking of toasting him also because I stabbed him and people were like oh he's your friend you know that was a little much and was a tad extreme so are you regretting the decision to stab him in the not at all not at all I just wanted him to know that you know how much I love him yeah because I love him that I could stab him and shoot him and beat him with a hammer and set him on fire and drown him yeah well he's fat racist and angry fuck him fuck him I love you yeah I love you too

some exciting things to tell you guys all right I'm going to be going on the road 2020 I got a I have the Australia shows are sold out there was a few tickets left in Auckland New Zealand and then I have some all spanish shows all in espanol at the Ontario improv the levity live in oxnard and tempi ideas meow me yeah that's in February the 5th the 13th the 20th for those Spokane comedy club 21st and 22nd those sold out the day they went on sale very thank you very much for that that one show in Denver just kind of popping in because I love that club that's sold out and then I have a vegas deal next year I'll be at the terry fator theater at the mirage

March 6th and 7th I'm doing a weekend at the ice house March 13th and 14th and then I go to Dayton the funny bone the 19th and 20th 21st all of March and then I have the date the Brea improv if you are in the Brea area I'm going to be there in April 9th 10th and 11th and I will also be doing some spanish shows in Texas I'll be doing Dallas Houston and Austin all those are all spanish shows in April also San Antonio excuse me and then back to Las Vegas in May and finally one last club date is going to be June 5th 6th and yeah 5th and 6th excuse me at the West Palm Beach improv and I do one final spanish show the Miami improv so that's very exciting for me those are all at tomsogurr.com slash tour get your tickets now I don't think most of them will

be around a little bit no very exciting oh did you want to do some drops in between my dates that is our new thing sorry so let's drop us next week so January of January December 19th will be flip hairs okay my last residency date in the yoo-hoo room it's been so much fun you guys have come every week it's been sold out and it's been a blast but moving into 2020 I do January 9th through 11 mom's den that's Austin Tejas at the cap city comedy club I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupidity January 30th through February 1st poosten at the houston improv I'm looking for girls for pussy February 14 through 15th tampon florida at the tampa improv I turned it to a telescope oh and I just added cobs come on your comedy club February 28th through 29 in

manfran disco ejecting four strokes march 7th uh that's the make good show from the 25th of october when we got the stomach virus all tickets will be honored at the ice house march 13 through 14 throughout florida at the miami improv what is free rent to get a lease and a key fuck me then dallas at the addison improv and then jute oh sorry i'm gonna play with your booty then jude or titties carolines i'ma make you cry in april 24th with it a demois Iowa at the funny bone mom dad i'm black jude 12 through 13 fart next air mom dad i'm black it's from soul man i love it let's hear it again i already left oh okay well stand up life gotta do one ticket at christina p online follow me on the christina p on the

gram i also do my tiktok curations insta stories listen to where my mom's at thank you i love you that's what's up by this time of year the planners and burgos of the world have checked off everything on their lists while the rest of us last minute people are running around like psychos trying to figure out what to get everyone don't fear fellow last-minute gifters me undies has everyone on your list covered it's the one-stop shopping spot to get gifts that people will actually love delivered straight to your door free shipping no butts about it actually all butts about it because undies get it i do but sits in them i love them and we are back with our favorite redheaded comic with a greasy guinea wop last name andrew santino is here thank you thanks for having me

it's good to see you man i'm going to be back man i missed you i missed you you were going to be on our uh youtube channel i know and you sent me explicit text and my lawyer said don't you smartened up you did your own thing but you're doing whiskey ginger it's my podcast it's yeah it's been doing really well i know a lot of people love it i've seen messages about it constantly i owe it to you guys yeah sure no i do thank you let him know it let him oh can i tell you something this is me being very genuine don't fucking cry yeah i'm gonna cry and i'm gonna don't and i'm gonna i um i had the first time i had a podcast fan say something to me at a show was this show really they go oh man i loved you on your mom's house and that was the first time i'd ever done

a podcast and someone had come to a show and said that yeah well we have the best fans you definitely do best fans they're so loyal and so supportive i didn't know you guys i had no idea you guys had such like a reach to like everyone from like nasa like like a like an like an engineer to like the kkk came to my show all of them take your mom's house your mom's house well they have special ymh hoods now yeah they make do you guys merge those yeah yeah we sell we're on the store we're working on a parrot i don't know if you've heard i've seen the parrot yeah yeah i'm excited for that yep and how many how many cuss words can it um we're hoping like if we pump just like specific kind of jewish asian slurs it locks those down and then you kind of graduate different tears from

there you know can it mock voices i think it can whose voice would you like it to mock bobby lee oh hitler hitler was it hitler bobby lee well one of the two i think it was gonna say racist stuff i thought for sure you would say bird i figured it was bird's voice well somebody came up with the best name for it oh what is it bird christler perfect yeah bird bird christler bird christler is really good yeah and it's like you know it's overweight you know it's racist you know what you got you know that's kind of the whole thing does it does it take a shirt off before it gets racist yeah he has a little bird shirt on and it takes it off takes it off kind of pecs at it i told him he should start naked and put on clothes as his set goes i tried to imagine how upset

now an audience would be if he was like no i'm just gonna like a big audience if he did a theater and he was like he's gonna keep it on the night they'd be like fuck you like there would be a revolt well and that's gonna be a hard thing to keep up in his 80s when he's a shirtless comic you mean this coming decade you've got to keep up the shtick right larry the cable guy can't show up in a tuxedo he's got to wear the sleeveless plaid hey man great to be here man yeah he's got to do the character and now bird is stuck in the drunk naked guy you say stuck i say perfect perfect yeah 80s you think he'll live to be 80 ah that's true that is ambitious i mean he i don't know there's a death poll for him really yeah what are you thinking just between me and some buds two or three years max

i think i think it would be it would be miraculous if he got to 60 yeah yeah that's a decade he's 50 isn't he he's about to be 50 yeah that's guys i think that's plenty of time what do you think's wrong with him physically does he have the gout yet it's coming he has high blood pressure right he's got a fatty liver fat liver fatty pancreas too yeah yeah he's trying to collect them all yep or pokemon pokemon is organs yeah that's it yeah i honestly or or he really flips it on us and goes full rogan he and just goes like CrossFit every no he could he might though he has the the mickey mantle gene what the mickey mantle gene what is the mickey mantle gene that's something that he's proclaimed for years that he can basically go on a bender and then wake up be like oh run a

marathon yeah i'll do that today and he does though he does he does i know one time i party mickey mantle died at 56 oh jeez so less than 10 yeah so that makes perfect sense yeah one time i party with daryl revis yeah we partied hard he used to be in the nfl he was like the top corner in the league for for a moment yeah he was like the best of the best at one point he no one was better lockdown lockdown yeah and we party together with some people he knew people that i knew and the next day i was like wow i'm in so much pain like i was in pain pain and he looked like he i was like wow how are you so like how are you so alive and like and he literally said to me he goes i'm built better than you yeah wow he's right i'm dead serious he goes i'm built better than you

and i was like laughing he's like no i'm i'm a machine i'm caught from a different cloth man he's a genetic marvel he is yeah and you're a recessive genetic mistake yeah he's a genetic marvel a lot of those nfl guy or you know pro athletes are genetic marvels they are they are they're they're superhuman yeah that they would be like oh i'm fine today that's why marvel doesn't need to put like more super just put athletes in right yeah they're superheroes they really are wouldn't you think too that um alcoholics and addicts put it this way my dad used to party with this guy who's now passed away but he he was genetically of that kind that he they could rage all night party all night the guy would be in his 50s next morning he would sleep four hours wake up play

soccer yeah like there are people that are just wired for action action action and i think i think burt is one of those guys he and i've i gotta say i've been getting i mean worse and worse every year with recovery yeah so like if i do have a few drinks now i know that if i get over three drinks i'm like oh the next couple days are shot it's over yeah but like he you know he he also built up a crazy tolerance don't forget that you know talking about burt like he he can it's not like you know you could just most people could just pick up and do that i mean he built up a tolerance he really i'm so proud of me i now that i think about i'm really happy for what he's accomplished and i think when he goes we should celebrate yeah does he want to be like a floating

casket of vodka he would want to be he wants to be a party for sure we should lay out what his what his wishes are yeah we're all gonna be there so we should what you know i'm what has to be sponsored by an alcohol yeah i might be late if i'm being uh i'm gonna show up dude speaking i was at a hotel spa uh and jadevion clowny was in the spa with me really yeah and i was like do you know who that is let me guess athlete okay you know what just because his name was jadevion he works for first of all that's so rude and yes it's the secretary of defense he's on trump's cabinet ladies gentlemen jadevion cloudy jadevion smart guy smart guy smart good guy found him in jina he's james strong guy you in a spa together with jadevion yeah yep and uh do you say anything

i was looking at his dick no i just uh i was i was admiring i mean how can you not it's a specimen dude like looking at his statue did you see his hog no he kept it kind of wrapped up really yeah but there was a i kind of had a fantasy about us murdering this guy um because we were we were in the steam room and it's jadevion me and this older white guy and the entire time which in a steam room like when a steam room a minute feels like five right so we're in there let's say 10 to 15 minutes he's up oh no i hate the white guy with his teeth yeah he would go oh that's the worst that's him yeah that's jadevion i hate the teeth cleaners oh that's disgusting or people that clear their throat all the time people like yeah you're like what get it out or loud coffers too like

you're like like on a plane we just had one in a movie he was going huh okay he's doing it during dialogue and you're like yeah yeah get everything cleared out i mean i'm trying to watch did you do it on your on your dialogue no do you know that people do that to bury other people's scenes i know about that's the thing that i've heard that people will cough or make noise so they have to use your your take i'm dead serious that's like an old school like sound guys will tell you all those secrets that people do some people rub mics they'll rub their they'll rub their lot like under their shirt you know they'll rub mics to

fuck up takes about the yeah that's like a real thing i know that the big thing that they did with like um once you know what you'll find with like a star who's adiva is like you know like andrew and i are shooting right so we're it's over his shoulder on me and so like for me he's giving me his best and then i'm you know reacting using it to do the scene and then it's like all right we're supposed to andrew like oh we're switching to andrew yeah so i was there on was i didn't really know it was yeah you're like jesus dude so give him nothing that happens all the time and peace you had someone do that to you oh yeah oh no i do it to people no people do it to people do it all the time i mean oh my gosh if it's a really high-profile actor they would never

do that like because they care too much but someone that's like famous that has you know like if you've been on like a cop show for 12 years and you made 50 million dollars and you just don't care anymore like nathan philion you know who that is he's on he was on he was on castle remember so castle no yeah i guarantee you that guy doesn't read lines with other people oh that's so sad but like he's so attractive and he doesn't care anymore like he's he's been on he was on he's he gets a network run for like seven-year runs and he's done like 10 of them just doesn't go he's got some and it's not acting at some point it's just like this it's like the dead bodies are gonna be there if we're there he's got to do that who told me what's that what's mr big what's what's his real name

oh chris north chris noth no i've so i flew with him and he said um because he was on one of the law and orders for a while and he was like oh it's the same fucking thing every week i was like what and he was like oh god it's just procedural she was like do they got the perp great we need to talk to him he's like it's not acting it's fucking bullshit and i was like all right he goes don't get me wrong except my up for life my family and everything i was like oh okay but like but it's not like it's not challenging well there's no way that's what they wanted to do when they got into the thing right you want to act but at some point you're like i don't want to do the same story that's kind of how i feel about morning news people or like you know at some point they may have had

aspirations to be actors or in show business yeah definitely and that's to me especially the ones we talk to um dude you know always dying to be like you could tell they're like i'm the entertainment person here and you're like okay i'm the funny one here at at kt25 it's it i'm the one i don't do morning tv anymore oh it's the worst so i like i put it in my thing that was like i'll do radio if they're cool uh but i do you see that clip of sam merrill on cleveland yeah or wherever he was i don't know well the news yeah yeah you see it yeah no what do you do oh my god it was the it was one of the funniest things i've ever seen look it up i want to can we watch it it's sam merrill is on it's sam merrill yeah exactly and uh he's on the morning news show if you can if you can actually

i won't ruin it because it's it's so fantastic um it's so good he were they asked him they're like did you always know you were gonna be did you always want to be a comedian um go to youtube it's probably easier that way and type in uh sam merrill morning news and i'm sure it'll be i felt a little uh little tension there go to youtube right the tone gets a little just a just a con tear it was good it was good not here he does that to me it's a little hostile yeah what is around the house what's his little baby con tear thing same thing like when he's like just a little con tear like i said can you can you answer the door please oh it's a little just a little more hostile yeah i can imagine you're very similar

let me tell you something when she's tic tac typing away on the computer or something and she doesn't know where she's going i take it from her and i go give me the fucking and i start typing and she gets so i do the same thing because they don't know what they're doing i know because women are fucking stupid he takes whenever i show him something with my phone he rips it out of my hand and takes it same i'm like no i'm i control the phone i'm showing women are stupid yeah i'm showing you the thing it's my phone yeah but you're showing me i want to see it yeah but i'm holding it enough and also you don't know how to do anything so that i fucking help let's watch sam more this isn't this isn't the clip so i think it would be better is if uh i know for sure it's on

his instagram yeah it is right so go to go to his instagram and we'll find it there we're just sending a dove on this like wild goose chase to not find this clip it's there it's definitely because i think i remember seeing it there so much yes and then you'll see him sitting we're the best uh on there it is that's it right there it is it's so good hit that make sure the volume is on poor guy so great funny like did you know growing up hey i might be a stand-up comedian despite what the odd church is no it's funny but when i was young i was molested by an uncle and that gave me superpowers to be funny because he was funny so it's kind of like a spider-man origin story you know okay because um i don't know where to go all right you close it the sound is the audio

is not good but if you if you had trouble hearing it they go did you always know you're funny he goes no but when i was a kid i was molested by an uncle and he was funny so it gave me superpowers like a spider-man origin story that's the best answer okay all right i don't i don't know where to go with that they always say that i don't know where to go with that i'm not a human anymore i'm a morning person if you don't like if you're not aware those shows are so painful and then they ask you ever you know they all ask you like did you always were you funny in school and you know after you've heard you're you're kind of like yeah sure yeah hilarious that was very funny yeah and then as you know with me they were always like no you do a podcast with your um are you guys just

cracking each other up all day and i would just go all day yeah it's really funny all day well that's where dj dad mouth came from yeah that's where that came from i started doing the morning show yeah i started doing the morning show just to be a fuck off you know just and then i come in with like you know chains and sunglasses and fur and they're like what are you doing and i was like getting through this and then they would be like so you're doing the comedy show this week and i'd be like who cares i'm a dj that's really what i want to focus on and you see the club going like yeah but you know what i always ask i used to ask and i used to make them type in things in the chiron like so it says like the water champion i would tell them like type this in because those

guys were always be excited they'd be like okay like you're gonna make today fun for a minute yeah yeah because their job is so miserable they have to bring our dog on i was so bored it's so horrible like just play with well here's the thing that nobody who watches morning news yes coming to the show thank you that's what i was thank you and i was that's why it's a way you know what i wanted to do so badly is put a call out if anybody watching this morning show right now comes to my show tonight i will blow every single one of you just say that would have gotten around i think just say i saw you on the morning show yeah because it doesn't happen it's not the same audience they're not who's up at six a.m is not gonna come well they're also telling you like keep it peace keep it clean you're

but that's not what they'll end up going they're not gonna see that you want me to mislead them into coming and it's like right there was a guy that did there's a comic that did last comic standing um like oh sam comro sam comro he has a he has a stutter a really bad stutter oh yeah he's a dirty comic but he did last comic standing or one of those competition shows and you have to be squeaky clean on those things and i constantly see him tweeting being like hey man i know you're mad because you came because you thought i was going to be abc but like that's not what i am right if you don't like it just look at my twitter look at my instagram i'm not that thing and he has to constantly battle people about it because people show up to clubs being like he was filthy i mean

he's not and he's not that bad he's just a normal it's a comedian comedian but they want him to be tv tv well that's what i always laugh about um david cross where's like the people who would like watch a rest of development and they're like let's watch the guy from arrest and then he'd go there i'm sure they would show up like he's gonna be silly sweet and fun yeah and he's like are you a fucking trump tart or whatever he says and then they're like what they just start crying and like that makes me laugh just to imagine their shock it's hard it's hard it's hard as a comedian unless your brand is you across the board to yeah it that it's tough like thank god for podcasts so people get to they know who you are now a little bit more oh yeah because what years ago whatever small

things they'd see of you on like kona the tonight show it's like it's not you that's nothing that's not you even a little bit you know and also you do jokes and the moment you're done you you're gone you like disappear you know i mean they fuck you off so it's like how does that promote me as a comedian it's just like here's a joke here's a joke here's a joke here's a joke and bye i'm kind of struck by if you want to do late night more than once uh now like i get doing it to be like i've done it yeah but like if you're like i'm doing another late night and i'd be like why the new york guys help at all they love it like the guys like um mark norman who i love he's done so many i mean cone in three or four times tonight do you think it helps that helps i think it's his thing now which

is kind of cool it's like because he does it so much that it's kind of like he's the guy that does those things do you know i think there has to be yeah every generation of guys that do it but that do a bunch of appearances yeah but for me because he's phenomenal like these kind of quick what's also a skill set yes to do i'm so bad at those i did cone in once and never again and they asked me like do you want to do it again i'm like no way yeah that was so hard for me yeah to smash a five minutes of like about about about about about about about it was just you got to be like the more pure joke writer you know where it's like set up clear punch those are the jokes because isn't the point of late night now to have it go viral on the internet that's true yeah so i guess in

that sense it can help you right i know but i'm saying why then just do a podcast and put it on the internet and be funny on you know i mean to me it defeats the purpose of going on late night if you're just going to end up on youtube which is what we're doing right now it is youtube yeah wait this is going to be on youtube yeah oh man yeah you know how some people's family watches watch their stuff my family doesn't have any idea what i do none nope you can be doing porn right now i am yeah try and move to the valley my friend yeah shorter have shorter commute how big is your family uh well my mom is one of 56 kids jesus irish catholic irish catholic my grandmother gave birth from when she was six years old until she died at 98 years old wow the day she died she gave birth

none of them know what you're doing nope not a one of them well they're all spread out across across the united states do you have a lot of cousins i have 643 cousins no 42 because one of one of them is gone yeah yeah that was we'll leave it at that yep you know how he died yeah no i mean i show i showed okay all right if i didn't all right no yeah you shot himself in the head no oh what do you not know how to hand signal what oh he's no he went he went up north oh he's gone oh he's gone he's gone up north yeah he's gone he's moving to northern canada okay he's a weirdo yeah he's weirdo he's gone to us yeah i'm not talking about a northern canadian guy that's true you live up by the northern lights i don't want to talk to you that's true that's fucking far go

go to your yurt wait shut your mouth is your is it italian your last name um yeah yeah that is i'm half irish half italian my dad is sicilian he is he is oh wow so he's a he is a southern rat and then i'm an italian and i'm an irish rat so i'm like the worst of the two europeans i think i'm northern trash and southern trash yeah mm-hmm yeah they're sweet people i mean they mean no harm and they mean no good either to be honest and your dad sicilian was he a real fucking you know um he what was he he was okay he was a he was uh he was an interesting big guy a big guy big man a lot of like a um he hit us he did he hit the shit out of us mm-hmm how many siblings these are fake teeth oh jesus can't hear it yeah fake sound different than mine mm-hmm yeah you're sound like real teeth

wait so then it's interesting because now you've segwayed into porn as a comedian how was that has that helped your career has it hurt your career it's it's kind of a 50-50 at this point you know a lot of a lot of times i'll catch a fan after a show and they'll go hey can i take a picture and i take different porn pictures than i do with fan pictures with stand-up stand-up fans i'll just hug them and take a picture with a porn picture i usually i have to pull out a tit or something to ruse them up a little bit yep and um you know it's i'll take either fan if you're like if you're one of my porno fans or one of my comedy fans i want you both at my show i want my porno fans at my show i want my comedy fans at my show we just had another porn comedian on a week ago who kate

kennedy oh yeah she does porn she does comedy we don't really you do scenes together we had beef oh well she's got beef it's it's it's heavy down bad chemistry oh boy oh boy it did not mix oil and water the when we kissed for the first time a couple of my teeth fell out yeah yeah and she got so weirded out uh that would i mean i'm not trying to laugh at you but i well you feel like i don't know why though i that's normal i mean so i told the story my dad hit it all my teeth at my top most of my teeth are fake because he not punched me punched all of them out um and and she was like uh that's you know is that a medical thing like is there i was like no we both got you know we're both clean we're fine so then we start the scene and she's on top of my back

because i like to start in kind of like a jiu-jitsu position when i do porn okay she's on my back and she's choking me out which is my fave yep and i do this thing called the innie do you guys know the innie um if you can push your penis all the way through into your body it'll come right out your butt and you did that and she was not lost it lost it did not like it packed up and left wow the director was live it but meanwhile i'm not called a kill scene uh well wait till you hear wait wait yeah this is it's not over the director is there and he's freaking out he's like we lost the second half of the talent and i'm like well i still gotta i have to finish the innie so he calls in one of the sound guys you know one of the a boom operator and the boom operator finishes me off

next thing you know i'm one of the most famous gay porn stars now yeah finishes me off and and have you ever seen an anise get sucked you've never seen it no can you send this the tape that i sent you will you send it to to them oh yeah here i could uh set it up so i could play it over yeah because he okay i i sent him um a video of a video of any gay of any gay porn wow of any gay porn you're telling me that you've invented a whole new genre of pornography holy shit yeah this is pretty crazy right is this it yep okay no that's not it that's not it that's not it that's not it that's not it that's not it that's not it i the gay porn that i sent you is there you know that must have gotten lost in all the texts that we

oh i don't think i got that okay long story short i'll give you the i'll give you a link to this new video to the new any porn video that i have i would love to see that yeah i'm it's it's pretty incredible i'm a really talented guy and it's gotten me pretty far i gotta say i mean like you know you're a really good stand-up um do you not want to go all in on stand-up porn has done something for me that has changed the way i feel about the world i do i like stand-up yeah i guess i do i do i feel more me than anything else look i went through a transition in my life that you guys know i talked about it last time i was on this show you remember rick rick that was an amazing story for people that don't know like just a little reminder you uh i think

you were on were you in a appellation trail or i was in the appellation mountains yeah i was hiking and you met a guy i didn't meet a guy tom i met the love of my life okay don't be degrading i'm sorry i'm just saying i wouldn't say that about your wife no you met a girl no you met the the mother of your children that's right i love of my life in appellation mountains yes and you'd run out of water i'd run out of water and rick had water he provided and then you guys we fell in love yeah what you parted ways well what happened was is we got dual fit bits we had we had uh we linked our fit bits and his fit bit heart monitor was jig jag jumping at you know 3 30 in the morning and i was thinking what's that from yeah no he's out with the boys what's going on right

and he's older than you oh yeah much no much he yeah he was uh is still alive um and i go out and i see him and they were over at the manhole with that bar a bar on the west side i go to the manhole and you know sure enough he's just getting tripped by you know tripped you know his triple team he's getting tripped by oh yeah some fellas three guys yeah that's a trip i don't want him to describe fun for you you know yeah he got tagged by three guys and anyway we we broke up because he disappeared he went to amsterdam for a long time and then that's right and you were looking for him i was i was on the hunt i traveled for a long time and this video i sent him i i sent this to nadab this is real he recently sent me an email rick did

yeah saying hello look you'll see he sent me a video okay hi hey uh this is rick i just want to let you know that i didn't forget about you i miss you so much look i didn't meet someone else but uh but i was hoping uh listen i was hoping we could work something out no when i get back from the trip from valley okay talk to you then bye now wait a minute oh my god you're not gonna give him a chance he seems really sad first of all he can't even say bolly correctly so no that's like a big strike against him what did he say valley valley play the end again hear how he says where he thinks he's gonna go that pissed me off the most about when he sent this video yeah but i was hoping uh listen i was hoping we could work

something out when i get back from the trip from valley from bat i thought he met son valley no like valley's total fitness that's what i thought back from the trip from valley no from the gym no from he's bolly they're going to bolly oh god why don't you meet him in bolly i don't know because he's with this new guy this young porto rican kid that's that's tough competition well yeah he those guys can fuck minor league ballplayer too yeah oh really spent four years in the minor leagues and he meets this jerk when they're you know on on in the off season and i shouldn't say jerk i i love rick still how much is older is he than you 38 wait is 38 years yeah holy shit yeah yeah but he's just look i i i've had my heart broken recently and that's why like i that's why

comedy's been weird i don't know if i wanted to stand up anymore really i just want to focus on my porn because it's kind of like shoving away all these past feelings of him stand up is fun sure i guess if you're a loser do you know what i mean like if you have nothing else going on yeah yeah you want to be a stand up cool you want to make people laugh right right loser i want to entertain people with sex because it's it's it's helping me get through my relationship well it's a different connection with the audience too when somebody masturbates to you that's better than a laugh in some way by far say do you want to make someone come or someone laugh right you know right laughing just doesn't have the same payoff ha ha ha and their life goes on right when they come

they remember me it's pavlovian you know when they see a picture of me they remember the moment do you remember the first moment that you guys came do you remember the first moment uh yeah yeah i you'll remember do you remember the first time you laughed no no laughter is almost meaningless yeah so i don't know i you know some of your fans reached out and support for rick and our relationship and i just don't know ask your fans i mean should i give him a shot i don't know i always feel like it's so it's so weird um sending video messages you know he only does yeah it's such a weird choice what do you mean he never texted back and he won't answer the phone because he gets nervous on phone calls his voice crackles and he says he has to sit because he gets dizzy

when i call him on the phone he gets dizzy when you call yeah he gets nervous so he says he has to sit down when i call him and i'm just like that's why he just hangs up he's healthy i gotta say that he has neuropathy issues it's maybe and i mean i this is a compliment to you but i mean like you're so much younger and better looking them is that strange when you're with someone like so much older and like i appreciate the compliment and it's also a little offensive because it's like i find him very very attractive that's very agist tom that is a little strange are you saying i could get younger dick probably i don't honestly i don't know he just does the things that i need him to do you know he's he is the guy for me i mean i know for you it's all about looks but that's

who you are i'm different you're just kind of yeah you're kind of a misogynist pig person who just focuses only on the looks but i focus more about the the connection and you and rick have something holy shit do we ever well did really what do you like most about rick what is it that you can't really forget i think of smells when i see yeah the way he smells is unbelievable no i i would say i thought he would smell not good like i know there's a comedy show but it's a little insulting this is the love that's the love of that's someone i love does he smell bad no he smells like um what does he smell like you know like a you know like a like a mountain the cab of a of a pickup truck yeah um that with cloth seats that's been smoked in for like 20 years yeah kind of

like that that's good oh it's sweet it reminds me of home yeah there's a little bit of blood on the ceiling you know those that oh god does it smell good that does sound just it reminds me of places that i want to go back to yeah so yeah he didn't smell bad he smells he smells like life and earth he smells like he's from the grit because he is i love how i love how hard his hands are people like soft hands not me calluses oh my god you know he's been working yeah what did he do what did rick do for a living he's jumped around a lot i mean he's done a lot of a lot of labor jobs he was um at the first he he was um he worked on roadside you know roadside roadside assistance you know like changing tires and that kind of stuff did you say he worked at an oil rig he run an oil rig

for 16 years in in edmonton canada uh he was he was he was that fracker you know what that is yeah frack the earth yeah yeah um and then he franchised uh two or three firehouse subs the he oh wow took some money on a busy guy now the all three of them careers i think they failed yeah so he lost a ton of money doing that that was really bad is he retired now or or he can't quit working he can't he's in so much debt from his first three marriages that i don't think he'll ever oh right and none of them have gotten remarried again so he's got to keep paying for them for the rest of his life i know yeah lowives so that's been that's been a struggle for us the financial talk yeah he's always talking about money and you know so he must be hitting you up for some

i send him money yeah a lot of money not a lot i mean i like every month i the first of the month i pay the mortgage and i send him a little just a little chunk on venmo i give him the mortgage i think is like 2600 and i think i venmo him something around like 12 to 15 grand a month fuck that's generous andrew that's a lot and he's going to he's going to bali on on your dime money no he said he said he had money put away for the for the for the bali trip well if it's 15 grand a month i mean you're sending him that's a lot of scratch bro yeah but well how are you affording well now i'm thinking about but i yeah it's like 180 grand or something well yeah i get well no i mean his carpet he's okay so because and i don't think he has any money left over because

he says the his car payment is like 4800 a month jesus what is his car payment is that's is it a Bentley or something you guys are making me feel like nervous about money yeah no a Bentley 4800 a month what fucking car is that that's a sonata no i don't think so it's a Hyundai sonata but you're making me think that he's well yeah i mean what kind of interest did he get is it 75 interest well those condays are gotta be aren't they pretty expensive i think a few of those payments would just take care of it i think i think maybe sounds like i don't want to get you upset but it's i am a little taking advantage of you i i don't think so i don't think that's part of his agenda i mean look look at the sonata it's 23 grand

it should be paid off in five months what 23 000 divided by 4800 yeah it's about yeah yeah about five times you know sure i think wreck is how long you've been paying that sonata i hope it's not over it's two and a half years oh boy he said it was going to be paid off in five in five years i'm embarrassed i feel like i'm like being taken advantage of by everybody yeah i mean you've sent him over 200 000 on the car payments yeah fuck and he's going to to bali bali he's going to bali yeah he's going to bali without you okay this might make you feel better this is yeah yeah this give me something what's going on

it's charles from match just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call i've been here i don't know since 7 30 doing some little video that uh editing i should say editing some video that's going to be going up on youtube my actually my new office i really like it not going to lie in it's got this really cool view where are we now there we go a uh there we go um anyway we haven't talked i think it's in saturday so uh tonight i'm looking at lilies in union square oh say around eight o'clock eight fifteen and i'm going to be in a fantastic mood then because i have so much to do i'm looking at my to-do lists all around i've like posted notes and everything else and i got my my ice latte

but anyway uh shoot me a text and let me know if eight o'clock works i can do 8 30 but a little bit early it might be tough because i do have a lot to do so why shoot me a call and did i say my name in the beginning it's charles i think i found a replacement for rick yeah he's on match so if you just you have a match profile right that's just him putting that out to the world no he's responding to a woman who's not texting him back yeah so she hasn't texted him back why wouldn't she text him back you think i don't know i think it's always a bad idea to reply with a video hi yeah i mean that's what rick does to you and yeah he said it annoys you it doesn't it does get under my skin a little bit yeah it does get under my skin a little bit but

you know this guy's i get it i get why he's doing it he wants to show the view i got my latte i got a lot of posted notes posted notes busy you but that you know i you know what i really picked up on this time around tommy what's that i'm thinking eight eight fifteen you're an actor so are you that's that's mimicking but that's a manufacturing spontaneity i'm thinking yeah he knew that time all along yeah he knew it right eight eight fifteen this this was the worst part this was like your guy in the plane when he goes it's a just say my name charles yeah i heard that i got my latte here i love charles i love him does he have more than one of these videos available for us to watch

oh i gotta have a catalog i wish i love charles so much i just did he say what he did by the way no i think he works in um like pr marketing for a corporation because he's editing video at work uh-huh you know that he's gonna upload he made that clear like i'm doing this oh yeah he said he's editing yeah and he's he said i'm gonna upload it to youtube and he's showing the new the whole reason he sent the video because he's like check out these fucking digs i just got you know it is an impressive view for new york i mean holy cow yeah there's what it would so for the most part the view you could see was buildings right yeah that's pretty rare in new york to look out a window and see buildings i know right you're been in new york i've i've never been to new york i've i've you

seen photos i've go to jer i get to i get to go to jersey yeah can't go into manhattan anymore you're not allowed well anymore i've never really been but i tried the first time i tried to go i got into a fight and uh why'd you get how'd you get in a fight because i was trying to walk there i didn't they wanted you know like take a car you have to take a car over the bridge or in the tunnel and i was like i'd love to walk and i tried to walk and i got a fight with a you know with one of the cops there when i new york cop and they banned me for life i'm coming to manhattan oh that's normal i think that happens a lot yeah well it does there was about six or seven other mes in there there's a bunch of other dudes in there that you know i walked in i go what the fuck were you wearing

you walking uh like a like a hazmat suit i would i was pretending to be a uh i thought the best way to get across would be you know wearing a worker's union worker outfit and that's why you got arrested and everything i spit on the cops face that probably didn't that was probably the crux of everything man you have a wildlife i did it right when he opened his mouth too he goes you get out and then right right in his mouth oh speaking of did you want to see a the wolf lady oh well i have this other one oh yeah lined up but i'll go back to that one but this makes me feel warm by the way whenever i see videos here videos are fun this one we haven't seen yet but from what i can from the way it's titled yeah i think it might be good what's the deal with women

today old and young the old ones are even worse than the young ones these days back they don't appreciate the young man you go up to them they ignore you and the young ones they're just looking for sugar daddies this is a fucking math shooter on the way here you go up to a woman today it's they get scared because they get all their attention from instagram and what is that the other dating apps uh tinder you go up to them and say hi they look like you're attacking them you do look like even ugly girls today they get so much attention on on the social media came talking about even the fat girls it's getting out of hand it's getting out of hand yeah i mean it's crazy the arrogance and it's the way women have become in yoga pants you know every girl has to wear yoga pants that's so

ten years ago dude they can't put on a regular pair of jeans anymore they gotta show their their asses even if they don't even have a nice ass they gotta show it it's the decline of the woman it's really out of hand all the animals come out at night the scum the filth this guy's taxi the pigs this is ellen this is ellen coman he does he runs a show at flappers he's really good he's very funny this is opening bit what's up with women today you can't even fuck the fat ones right crushes this guy crushes i feel like we just saw something that will be on the news yes i think so do you think he's mad at his mommy just a little this guy's mad he's mad at a lot there's a lot of rage right right below the surface there but well you just said is right on

the nose mommy did something bad yeah and now he turned out like this and is like what's up with these bitches yeah all of these bitches in the family you can't even wear jeans i love how he's regulating what clothes people are allowed to wear but i didn't put on jeans anymore hot chicks ain't being hot i deserve a hot chick it's i deserve but he does he does he does he does to be fair he deserves the hottest the hottest of the hot well he would tell you he's like why i'm in shape killer v i gotta go to v i got shades v v this guy's this guy is he deserves it no he does and i hope i hope one of these stab you in the neck this guy he's not even blink and you just go to a drive through order a sandwich should be fine he'd eat it while you

bleed out and stare at you while you bleed out just eating his chicken sandwich he goes right though fat girls i need a napkin i'll be right back this guy this guy the the weirdest part was did you guys cut this or did he edit it a little bit i don't know there was a lot of jump cuts in there yeah we lifted out some of the okay he kind of takes his time with his breathing i was going to be blown away if this guy like did jump cuts himself for this sad video you know how like youtubers are like what's up today we're gonna be editing yeah yeah i was hoping he did that to for this terrifying precursor to a mass crime we're about to jump cut murder video holy shit this will be the future you're right on on the news they won't even talk about what happened

they'll just show the video yeah they'll show this and they'll just go you know what happens this actually is quite unsettling oh my god but i didn't know where this was gonna go very uncomfortable yeah i mean this is does it go anywhere what strikes me is his calmness you know yeah he's like yeah yeah that's rage it's seething serial killers always are like very even keel this shit it's like threats that are spoken yeah way scarier than a threat that is yelled right like i'm a fucking it someone's like okay well why don't you come over here and find out you're like that guy that guy's not serious yeah you know the guy who yells fuck you is not as threatening as the guy that goes then why don't you come over here then yeah don't you walk over here and just say hi

sit next to me oh fuck i'm scared so scared of that yeah for sure fuck you guys like fuck you but when the guy's like come here i want to talk to you it's like oh that guy's gonna fuck he's getting killed kill me yeah he's gonna eat my body this guy's not even that hot i don't know what would you really give him on a scale on a number scale well here's the problem and this is the problem of all cool guy submissions the camera angle is always from beneath which is so unflattering it's really hard to look good on an iphone camera to begin with i can't really gauge what he truly looks like but i should have given him his own the cool guy this is pretty cool yeah he's pretty cool i gotta be honest he's very cool got a nice jaw though

from that low angle he's still got a good jaw with the eye the anger in his eyes and he's squinting i can't really see i'm good but i'm gonna give him on a scale of one to ten like a five and la five la five nebraska oh nebraska seven or eight nebraska eight nebraska eight and then what about fairbanks alaska that's the last which one does he um he's about an eight there he's an eight there yeah but in la maybe a four or five what is what's tommy tom he's a ten wow he's a ten look how fucking cute this guy is you don't like that beard you don't like those eyes look at that body of physique the arms the shoulders on this guy is trapped if you think if you think i wasn't attracted to rick because of his physical stature then that you know of course i think someone like tom is

are you saying that i'm similar to rick no oh but are you i mean we're both big guys big guys nice nice fair no that is not tom rick and tom are not one time when i kissed him i said i love you tommy really he freaked what's the biggest guy you've been with um there was a kid okay i say a kid i shouldn't say that he was legal he was 19 but it was in new orleans um big boys big boy big big big boy little bayou boy is what i call my body i call him my bayou bobber because we put him in the water he would just he would bob like a you know like a bobber how big are we talking six six six six six six six hundred and sixty pounds about six hundred and sixty something pounds yeah that's pretty big oh my god yeah but it's kind of fun because uh if you don't mind

don't laugh at that are they cracking are you guys cracking jokes i thought i heard a laugh please that's very sizest of you i mean that's something that your crew is though they're they are they're sizest i noticed that that is something that they've said i will talk to them about that i'm not going to get into your business i'm just think i'm just saying you know but yeah the biggest guy was with his new orleans uh in the 600 pounds um i you know look tall too or no yeah very very tall very tall about five four five five that's not that's not that tall no for 600 pounds it's probably yeah i think i would say that's even short maybe huh wait how did you have intercourse what did you guys do because i imagine his belly covers his penis we do this thing well you got

to sit on top of it man well honestly we bathe i bathed him i have to i was washing him that's how it started yeah he asked if i'd wash him i thought that was hot so i'd bathe him and i'd wash him why was that hot why is that hot to bathe somebody that's 600 have you ever been in the shower with your wife yeah okay isn't that is that hot i like it yeah okay so so same thing my bad apples apples okay so i yeah i was bathing him i was washing him and you know i accidentally scraped the the sponge did it have sores but you accidentally scraped the sponge i went i would i pretended it was an accident right he had sores every he has sores everywhere yeah i imagine those in between the folds that get a lot of sores yeah a lot of sores but we put um uh shamwows

in between his folds now it soaks up almost all the moisture i wonder if that guy's still around telling those i don't know but he did us good because it's good for our relationship yeah would soak up the moisture from the sores is that kid still alive um like we don't keep in touch like we used to he got on a really bad um he got on a bad um burger king kick where he was like trying to go to all you know people go to all the stadiums around the country yeah baseball he was going all the burger kings around the country there's gotta be tens of thousands of those he hit a couple thousand he said yeah i think he had six thousand something like that six thousand just to eat like a whopper is it take a picture get a whop yeah take a picture and like five a day

that he's hitting or something and on a slow day he probably he probably knocks out 10 to 12 a day 10 to 12 a day you got well breakfast uh uh post second breakfast yeah then you have pre-lunch lunch brunch brunch which is a running lunch which means you gotta just you gotta eat it on the go yeah you're not sitting for that one uh-huh um then you have linner which is lunch dinner which i know you guys know the middle between you have dinner dessert and you have snack snack which is a late night little snack snack and yeah that's like was that nine 10 meals just about well that's what they tell you to lose weight you just snack throughout the day that's right you gotta eat more yeah in fact it's so stupid all these skinny people are like you know

be uh chicken and vegetables and all that healthy it's like you can you should eat trash food you should eat really unhealthy food just eat a ton of it all day long and then your body then your body adjusts yeah this is a good machine it'll figure let it figure it out yeah you're not a scientist right you're not a nutritionist let your body do let your body do the work plus if you don't eat the bun that's really the secret to right that is part yeah that's a big part of the secret in fact you can you can get you can get what's called a fry bun i don't know if you've seen this but they'll take fries and and press them on a on a flat top oh and you can eat the fries as a bun perfect that sounds better it's a lot healthier than a than bread yeah i'm gonna have like a

fries bread yeah fry a fry bun yeah it's potatoes which is uh you know potatoes are carbs and protein which is really good for you and fry oil they say now is the thing that's that's keeping most people uh most people have good circulation have fry oil anything anything fried they say it's good for circulation why is that the grease act is a lubricant it yeah it keeps the blood yeah because the heart heart pumps better when it has more grease well it's got more what okay if your door is squeaking if your door is squeaking a door hinge what are you putting on it you put some oil put some oil on it yeah so you put if this whole if your heart is like struggling to pump blood get some oil in there some oil in there yeah you guys heard it here first um i don't want to

nail the uh dudes too hard so here's like a woman yeah let me see a woman there's nothing harder to be in a female our pussies itch 24 seven they stink they have these huge words that grow on them daily 24 seven we're scratching we're itching and our pussies fucking stink like they smell like fish honestly it's hard being a female that's why men need to learn to respect us because we go through a hell of a lot of stuff he want to eat my pussy i say you gonna catch eight he say i don't care we uncle die anyway same lady holy shit pretty cool right is that Lizzo and i don't think so but it was a good it was a good song it is a good crime my pussy you're gonna catch eight he said i don't care we're gonna die anyway killer that's such a

party like it's 1999 right it sounds like that but pussy got eight so because you're the expert of most things female yes yes do all girls have warts no not all of them not all a lot you want to rethink your answer what 90% she said all girls have warts well the ones she knows when they're pussies itch and they smell like always smell and they said 24 seven itch all day long they're very itchy is there an hour you can't go without scratching i mean that's why the table is up this high i was gonna say you guys used to not have such a high table yeah i used to be able to see your genitals at the old spot you could but now this is for hiding gen scratches yep i have very scratchy genitals too so 24 hours a day a woman has to itch

her vagina and it smells bad and i have to itch it all and there's warts on every single vagina really mm-hmm sometimes they get bloody to the warts they do you can cut them off they grow back you cut them right back with like scissors yeah like houses a knife yeah wow he lances them off like that and oh he does it for you sometimes you ever see one of those craft what are those called exacto knives he does that they're all doing like a switch blade you know cool and just kind of straight razor's work too like cuz that's you could i could trim the hair and then i'll just keep going slice one off they bleed a bunch and they'll bleed into her but then they heal and you get like a week without a wart and then they all grow back a week without a wart yeah

that's pretty good that's good but it's worth it yeah we're about to do the christmas trimming oh you are oh is that a good day around the house take the take you through christmas with no warts always feels good do you guys have a tree at your home yeah of course we're christians what's underneath it though right now yeah right now there's just like do people put gifts under there yet not yet okay too early that's what i say we have a tree skirt when i go to somebody's house and they already have gifts at this point at this point this makes me nauseous yeah it's too soon shame you're torturing the kids they just want to open it look what you got you can't have it for three weeks yeah it's disgusting i don't like it's disgusting i agree we gotta do it as you're

rounding third dude you know and let's say it's about to happen that's exactly right yeah that's we don't have a crit we don't do christmas trees you know pagans does your wife's pussy stink uh yeah i mean why am i even i'm just gonna uh 8 30 uh yeah it's yeah it's awful and does she have warts too like me and does she scratch a lot no no you know why because um we have we got a procedure we have we got a she got a procedure i'm paying for um she got a procedure to close it up so nothing could grow oh wow wow yeah so wait where does she pee out of her butt they rerouted it to her butt oh honestly don't you want it all to come out of one hole i would i wish i had yeah that's what i'm saying it comes out of one hole so it's so much easier

i have three holes down there you do well pee pee vagina hole but baby hole right yeah right and then the poo hole whoa whoa whoa so pee hole baby hole poo hole wait wait wait wait you pee out of a different hole yeah you didn't know that in your in your there's an as a sepsis second hole in your in your vagina yeah what do you mean did you make it there's a pee hole a baby baby come out of hole and then a poo wait the pee comes out of where the baby comes out of no yeah yeah no separate hole nope it's not that pee holes above the baby hole you must have made that no i swear you did that guys you took a straw and you made that yeah you did or you crocheted you must have you must have done that well how many holes do you guys have one two three four five six six six oh bullshit every guy

every guy six what's down there you have a pee hole you have a cum hole uh you have the baby cum hole so there's there's jack yeah so pee regular um cum baby cum then you have your poop hole which is your butt hole you have your diarrhea hole which is a separate hole yeah yeah and then you have your fun hole which you guys don't get to explore that's none of your fucking business that's just for fellas for other guys to go in there that's for us to talk about it's for us but like we never tell ladies about it because you guys ruin everything you do what yep there's fun that you know and then there's guy fun which you'll never know yeah when you guys like oh bro time six hole that's what you guys are doing six when you say you're watching football

you're six holing each other the six hole go look up the series uh six hole six whole series on that yeah you should cnn made it it's great we're just listen we're we're superior i okay guys it's well well women are stupid guys you want to see a woman kind of think of a woman would do yeah this is what a woman does as i enter the wolves territory i am so excited i crouch down and made sure to keep my energy calm it's important to greet a wolf openly so they can learn everything about you and trust you this means keeping low so you are less frightening when wolves greet they will want to lick inside your mouth this is perfectly normal for them and this is what they do to one another on a daily basis if you can tolerate it you should

allow this as they will trust you more and can learn everything about you as a person oh my fucking god i'm i'm literally dying as i said here in your go back two second she's oh there's more there's more body movements should be calm and fluid sharp movements will frighten and shock them making you look threatening so gently gently is the answer these aren't huskies this is why women are often more readily accepted by wolves than men as men naturally exhibit heavier movements have a taller stature and a deeper voice women are better at this guys yeah women are fucking stupid this is so stupid this is the dumbest thing i've seen guys you don't you mean tell me you don't want to make friends with a wolf and have it lick the inside of your mouth

what's fucking wrong nope this is fine i don't at all wait till you see when daddy wolf she said gets upset there were lower ranking wolves and it was important to make sure i greeted the wolves in order in order to make sure to ignore the lower wolves when the leaders approached which is a little sad but safer for them as it means they will be told off far less oh hold on she's frenching being the leading female braga the large male that's the male on the left of the pack and he had decided that my ear and tummy tickles should be just for him and was not slowing coming forward with his snarls and piercing stares at marit to let her know that he wasn't happy that she was commanding my attention holy fucking and she is just chilling yeah it's she's like scratching bellies

this is just a part of me meeting your wife oh my god i thought this would be the best part for that male to just rip her fucking face open throw and then the voiceover changes to a guy it's like and sara went down at that moment that was the last we've seen of her appropriately so because kissing wolves is fucking ridiculous that's insanity look at the ground altercation especially when it's happening right in front of your face all teeth and snaps but it's very important not to move in case of redirected aggression redirected to you the altercations only lasted a little while and it's soon all died down oh my god who is this fucking human what this is this is her thing that's her thing she's a wolf let's see it's called oh the dumbest woman on earth

yep i'm i am like i'm honest i don't have all the fucked up videos i've seen on this right this is the most fucked up yeah this is insane i agree this is insane i know i've seen people take baths in diarrhea i've seen people jerking and pissing in each other totally normal totally normal this is the most insane video you've ever played on the show that's pretty crazy there's a guy who goes piss on me beat me men out of jail it this is crazier way crazier way crazy we gotta find this woman yeah we gotta find her you have to have her on just have her come down sit down welcome her and then be like are you fucking stupid or something like the first thing she's like what lady i thought you invited would you guys should do is sit sit her down and then both get up over here and start

just licking her mouth yeah if you see that growl on the wolf like when your dog does that domestically that's a sign of major trouble you better you know what i'm saying like that is trouble how would you who how did she know the rank that's my question well she names them all too guinevere and rick like why are you naming wild wolf she i don't know how she knows how does she know size maybe there's no way you walk in and i guess yeah no no no she knows she knows she's got something's going on she's been fucking wolves for years i was just gonna say it's so obvious but clearly there's so much sexual thing for her it's so sexual yeah like did she go home and fucking diddle the bean to wolf porn she jerks off all the wolves look it'd be great if

she's like i've been doing this for a year and you see that she's missing like three fingers and r you know a lay she's like these wolves get fired up sometimes the mouth licking i cannot take the mouth it's not like it's in the mouth in it's in her mouth inside inside hitting her it's cleaning out yeah it's cleaning her mouth and you know those wolves just ate fucking raw deer yeah rabbits yep yeah they just they mangled a rabbit yeah and they ate its guts and then they're like this woman's mouth and looks like oh just ate her fucking inside of her mouth that thing was just terrifying i wanted i secretly wanted when it was in her mouth just to like back up and then bite her whole face can you google search because i saw this once uh the force of a wolf

you know what is the force of a wolf bite holy shit it had the comparison one of the stats that i saw it was so mind-blowing a wolf's normal bite force is around 400 pounds if it is protecting itself a large wolf can bite down with over 1200 pounds of pressure holy my god large cats or a jaguar can reach 700 pounds of pressure a Siberian tiger at 950 unreal so a wolf that is defending or protecting itself 1200 pounds of pressure i mean that's snapping through fucking steel that's a car you don't snap a car yeah 1200 pounds i was like and i'm also stunned because like usually in my mind these people don't look like her yeah right right right right like she doesn't look like if you saw her somewhere you wouldn't go that girl walks with wolves no no you would

actually go on the first date and then learn this would be like i don't want to see her anymore you know like you would you would imagine that fucking date what do you do for a living what do you what do you uh what do you do what do you've been doing for a living well do you like animals i love animals i have two dogs at the house right now sometimes i'll just go out like on the side of a mountain oh i love hiking and uh i'll sleep with wolves for like a few days oh you mean like amongst the animals at night you put pitch a tent and you sleep like amongst wild animals no i'll just hang out with them though they lick the inside of my mouth so they know that i'm not a threat and i'm not sick uh you know but just like a pack of wolves

like 15 of them and then we'll all go hunting together and we just enjoy our night you know is this is i gotta i'm i'm i left something in my car okay i'll follow you no stay here no you'll probably get lost no it's bouquet of up i've been here 13 times this month okay well there's a wolf in the parking lot just so you know that i brought that's your is that yours that's my wolf yeah she shows up with a wolf yeah i want you to meet somebody dude she might be crazy you have to be like i could take him in public absolutely she's got a pet yes throw a collar on a hundred percent oh you see that you're like imagine that you're like curbside at a restaurant you see like fucking god she's one of those people that goes to those local count city councils and

is like fighting her neighbors because her neighbors are like she has fucking wolves in her backyard and we have kids and they're like it's a but it's not like other wolves and you guys aren't trained with wolves you don't know what i know what i know the people who want aggressive animals always say that crazy please watch this though this is my this is my new favorite video with this kid here get out by the fire man y'all know what's going on go get some triple you know i say ball man's in the pit yo yeah shoddy yeah and y'all got instagram what where'd they get him and we all have me on the ground have me on the ground have me on the ground have me on the ground it's like y'all got instagram ball man jeans too

do ball man have me on the ground that dude is awesome what what year is this is this now i don't know i think so i want to add him on the ground i want to add him on the ground for sure i want him on my grumb i'm so pissed that they doesn't have his grumb i want his girl so bad yeah add me on the ground i mean this kid looks like me at 11 i don't know what the fuck how he got this way where do you think he lives this has got to be in the southern this has got to be in the south there's literally no doubt i'm my guess would be georgia i hear i think south africa or like what i don't i thought it sounded south africa south africa sounds like this no that's like

this south africa what do you say you're black you're black you're black wait your brother is black yeah but he sounds english or something i thought what caught me i don't i'm serious like it's like a black and nobody found me y'all know what's going on go get some trouble you know what i'm saying all man's in the beat yeah all man's in the beat yeah it sounds british that's a group add me on the ground by the way when next time i go to london talking like that yeah i i hear because i want to fit in as soon as people are like where are you where are you from you're like well hey you know i'm saying yeah yeah on the ground did you travel far to get here to england no i gotta you know say i gotta get on the ground i'm a local man i'll be on my

like out of barman in a bit this is almost like not mimicable no bar man's in a bit add me on the ground add me on the ground do it one more time so i can add me on the ground come on add me on the ground hit me on the ground add me on the ground on the ground that's pretty good that's really good on the ground yeah i hear british i mean he goes on he actually has like lines like set up oh yeah i mean like ball man y'all know what's going on go get some trip up y'all know what's going on go get your trip up go get some trip up what's trip up i don't know i'm usually good with this lingo it's a fucking fifth grader and then he says and he says ball man's in a bit his jeans are ball man but what's in the bit he said y'all got instagram y'all got instagram

add me on the ground this kid you know who sent me this video i his dad maybe johnny pemberton oh really i love johnny yeah he's great where did he find that i said the word he goes he goes this is some deep dark internet shit i'm kind of scared that is so cool wait what's his um his url this kind of reminds me like what's like that that freaky kids remember like the the movie yeah like already shows yeah like like like badass kids fucking around yeah telly and then aids they get the yeah aids at the end yeah that's exactly what this is like where kids kids causing by the way those or like if this pans out like there's some scary shit hell yes yeah the those kids from that movie kids the grumb where the kids i was so

scared of when i was a kid yeah i was there they were bad ass kids i was so scared about them yeah rabbit ears isn't that in that isn't somebody wear rabbit ears like some white trash kid wearing rabbit rabbit ears that's gum that's gum oh that's another movie right but that's still a fucking terrifying kid yep yeah a poor white kid with bunny ears is the scariest get on earth and a hose yeah you know why they have they have nothing to lose and they never die yeah never i know they can't they can't die yeah so my arm on fire but and fucking just put it rolled around put it out yeah like you set your arm on work yeah don't work as well they don't care there's no tears sometimes middle of the day it'll just snap up on me but you know for the most part you know just it's

don't work like it used to and then they're like you know you ever see a puppy get stabbed with a fork and you're like uh and then take you around the backyard and you're like what the fuck man but that's a white poor white kid with rabbit ears yes you want to see something die slow uh-uh no no you ever ate fish raw you on the ground you on the ground want to add me on the ground you you want to add me on the ground you don't want to see a puppy die oh by the way if we haven't told if you're just listening and not watching this kid we've been playing is white oh yeah i figured we should probably make sure that's right and it does look like they're like oh they just keep playing this black kid over no he's probably what does that got to be nine nine to eleven nine to

eleven white kid hey me on the ground get nobody fine man y'all know what's going on go get your triple you know what i'm saying ball man's in the pit ball man's in the pit yeah son yeah hey me on the ground so i could tell that the people filming him are black yes just to the laugh the laugh it was a black laugh funny you just yeah you know and you know that they're amused they're like you gotta see this fucking well what one of the what happens is the guy that's filming already has seen this before and he's telling telling his boys like you gotta see this motherfucker down at the park yeah he's like what's he doing he's like

watch watch talking shit video this kid yeah yeah just just get him to talk just get him to say anything this is down at this is down at the park where they're hanging out there smoking cigarettes in this gazebo and this kid skip school 95 percent of school days can't can't get back in he's been out of soma he's been in and out of so many schools can't go back in and by the way dad's a little proud of it yeah sure school can't handle you man they can't handle you boy you too good for school boy yeah you star you start a superstar you stupid star stars don't go you stupid you're a stupid star you're a stupid star you're a stupid star you know that school you ain't you good at in school you way good at in school boy yeah so he goes down there he sells cigarettes i bet you he makes

a living selling them cigarettes just a little fat a hundred percent a hundred percent cigarettes and cigarettes and Kit Kats yeah he's got he's got snacks and cigs unbelievable by the way i knew a kid that used to do they used to steal cigarettes and sell them to kids around to smoke brilliant good yeah Chicago a dollar a piece yeah a dollar a cigarette that's hard to buy cigarettes when you're a child i started at 13 i'd have to go into my bikini top but when we were kids there were still vending machines in chicago yeah if you could go into a bar as a kid in a neighborhood they all had the vending machine things yeah and you did a restaurant i when i was a kid i did smoke you did like a brat yeah i i i loved it because i thought i was so badass how old were

you when you started fucking six wow nope nope 15 14 14 14 13 or 40s when i had my first cigarette and then through high school you smoked intermittently yeah but pot mostly pot oh okay but that one leads to the other yeah smoke cigarette when you're in some guy's garage which is everyone in the midwest you're hanging on some guy's garage it's cigarettes and pot all night long that's all it is same in the valley you do this everything right yeah yeah cigarettes pot that's what it is right you sit in some guy's garage and i miss cigarettes with a drink me too i miss it all the time except for when i'm at a bar and i smell it i miss it but i don't miss yeah other people i don't miss other people or when like you when somebody has just smoked and you get like a like

a stank whiff of them you're like uh then i don't miss it don't miss that gross the feeling cigarette breath is tough it even when it even when it was yours yeah like back when you could taste it yeah i would do that's why that's why that happens yeah add me on the ground yeah add me on the ground um andrew are you gonna be a road dog in it soon what's going on uh yeah i'm doing um look at that uh eight o'clock eight fifteen i do um uh i do the entire first half of the year i'm doing this thing called the red rocket tour it's my first time doing small theaters hey congratulations thanks i've never read rocket a red rocket tour yeah and it's 21 cities all the dates are at your website

andrewsantino.com yeah where you going like big oh my god i'm portland seattle miniapolis madison chicago atlanta phoenix uh then cleveland cincinati places that i some i've never been to cincinati and i've only played cleveland with rogan i never got to play by myself wow so i'm doing cities that like they're like why the fuck don't you come here i'm like we just had it hasn't worked out yeah and now you're doing it yeah finally so yeah i'm doing congratulations thank you yeah it's exciting you should go see uh thank you know he's hilarious hilarious thank you dude really good thank you guys and um that's gonna be great for you man congratulations yeah i'm nervous i'm not even gonna lie doing because i've never done small theaters before but that's normal yeah

it's different like it's so funny people like i'm not nervous about the performance people like what are you nervous about it's like it's different it's it's not the performance it's like the idea that like you want to push all these tickets to get into this one room yeah clubs are just a different animal they are and fans don't really know that you're like it's a different totally different beast yeah but i'm throwing some clubs in there for fun like denver comedy works i have to do of course just my you know my favorite club so i'm doing a few clubs here and there that i really want to do good for you man yeah thank you thank you thank you that's awesome and whiskey whiskey ginger yeah which um both of you guys are never welcome on and i mean thank you from the bottom

of my heart i don't want either of you on the show you got it okay appreciate the clarity here here's what i actually want i want you guys i want to set up a date for you guys to come on the show yeah and then i want to cancel that we could do that what do we do right now i can do that let's set it up right now we could do it let's do it you want to do it tomorrow let's do it tomorrow morning at 6 30 a.m. i'll be done you okay good yep i expect a text okay send me a confirmation text around 5 30 a.m. okay you guys still run coming through yep nope mm-hmm yeah whiskey ginger podcast i do want to um i want to thank you guys and i mean this this is an emotional part no yeah do it do it no feelings you guys are the reason that i did podcast oh you guys are the

reason i did podcast stop it i'm being serious you're the reason i did it well you're fantastic because i didn't want to do it for a long time yeah but you're a natural you're really good well yeah i don't know but i just was like you guys were like do it and i was like i gotta fuck yeah i'm glad you did it man it's so fun i'm glad you did also side note um sometimes my dad does google me and because of things like this show um the internet says that i'm gay yeah and it's hurt our relationship genuinely your dad's yeah it's awesome it's the funniest thing he's like i don't like it that that says you're gay is it as your dad in chicago or no but it literally says i'm gay all over the web it also says you're engaged to christilia to christilia which we broke

off years ago fucking keep up and that you had you had this boyfriend rick and boyfriend rick right so the internet says i'm gay your dad is genuinely not happy about it nope doesn't like it doesn't have any problem with gay people just doesn't like that the internet says i'm gay well what until he caches those fat checks you're gonna give him from exactly what i said so i can all those dicks wait till you see my any video that i'm gonna say pops wait till he sees rick's latest video and the highlight video that's created of andrew reconnecting with his old boyfriend i think he's gonna that's gonna go what the fuck is this all about i think he's gonna start believing the truth is what he's gonna start doing good school you guys you guys are the best people on

this entire planet earth thanks i love you i love you too it's good to see you man great to see you um i don't i don't but you know what these are ball manes in the bit so all right and you add us on the ground add us on the ground and uh we'll we'll see you soon thanks thanks for coming today thank you guys thanks andrew today's the day i'm gonna be calling leonardo's to have one of them the cold bacon cheeseburger paradise large pizzas delivered to my please add some extra space fiber in my diet garlic onions spinach and artichokes and chobies and and and chobies onions spinach and artichokes and chobies and and and chobies garlic onions spinach and artichokes

and chobies and and and chobies garlic onions spinach and artich elites and chobies and and chobies holy crust holy crust holy crust fiber in my diet holy crust holy crust fiber in my diet holy crust holy crust holy crust fiber in my diet holy crust fiber in my diet Star like onions spinach and artichokes and chobies and and and chobies garlic onions spinach and artichokes and chobies and and and chobies garlic onions spinach and artichokes and chobies and and and chobies garlic onions spinach and artichokes and chobies and and and chobies

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