Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 534 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 16, 2020

Jeans up! Main Mommies ONLY!!! The Mommies are relaxed, tan, and back from HAWAIIIIIII. While there, many stories about Charo and Top Dog were gathered, plus vacation fun. Blueban just got back from China with ALL of the swag. Tom and Tina get to see two Bears in the wild. The Head Tingler has some gross side effects on Tom's mom, and we get to see one of the healthiest relationships between two grown humans we've seen in a long time! Such a great episode with just the main Mommies, I'm having CHEST PAIN!

yo what's up we're back in studio this is actually our first time recording since the holiday we had bank some episodes and now we're back in studio doing a fresh episode of your mom's house I'm so excited it's been so long there's a lot to get into a lot of good stuff a lot of good stuff a lot of holiday talk a lot of we got to talk about gifts yeah talk about spending time with family yeah people we've we've been traveling everyone's been traveling all over the place there's a lot to get into why don't we just start off real proper like and do the show intro and get into it all what do you

think yeah mommy yeah I'm ready all right let's go let's go let's go here we go I'll be we got that scrapped on you welcome to your mom's house I would love to comment on your fashion upgrade okay your glasses are really cool well you know it was I should say thank you for you got me these Gucci glasses they were only $2,500 they feel like it I feel cooler I see cleaner I see crisper I've been getting a lot of fashion nods from people yeah I posted these on the gram people were like wow man you really stepped up your

fashion game and it actually got me thinking to about well one blue band who who obviously helps here quite a bit produces this show he went to China over Kina E is that you guys say they say Chinese is Kina I don't know how to say China yeah in Spanish say China and they also call every Asian person chinos it is a it sounds super racist when you speak Spanish and someone's like other guys Japanese and they're like China and you're like nope he's not Chinese he's Japanese and they're like yeah he's a fucking same diff so but anyways you came back with a lot of really nice gifts like the hat that I'm

wearing oh did I mean I didn't know you went to spend so much money over there and thank you for my my poochie wallet this is a maze yeah it's beautiful well yeah I mean you know all the all the factories are over there right you got everything at a wholesale type of you know discount everything's like all and all the factories are within like a block of each other wow so you get like huge discounts yeah but it's not counterfeit or anything like that no no okay come on come on Tom I don't do that okay yeah just like these Gucci shades well those are nice yeah did you get those are from no I bought those you

bought these I mean I'm assuming you went to the Gucci store at the mall at our country club great and I waited in line they're in high demand really how much were they $2,500 wow so just cheap for Gucci yeah looks great and you got gifts for all kind I was like damn the Dava's spending out of control yeah you know like I felt like if I came back with like Supreme jackets and Yeezys and Air Jordans like you know I feel like everyone needs to drip with me yeah bringing the homies along I like it yeah I mean like it's not fun at the top by yourself so true nice I saw your basketball Jordans they look really

nice they look exactly the way they're supposed to the Nike swoosh is facing the right direction it's all smooth all the way out it says Air Jordan on the emblem like it's supposed to cool yeah yeah that's really good yeah yeah this didn't fall off the back of a truck or anything that's awesome man but I'm more importantly and I'm sure what the listeners are curious about is we saw your dining habits on the grumb and you were eating like a snake and all kinds of crazy shit yeah tell us about that yeah so when I went there so I want to go visit my one of my best friends from college Billy and you know he has a

Chinese girlfriend and so they asked what do I want to do when I'm there so I was like I want to eat hell yeah as the mainlanders do and so they're like like what be more specific I was like cat dog snake we got a snake place for you no cat though right no we didn't have time for that we only had like two days in shed you wanted to eat that I was you what I was gonna eat like monkey like whatever they play in front of me I was gonna try faces of death like I had I had a jelly made out of like turtle shell just tastes like tea just tastes fine and now wait because I saw on your video on the ground on the ground I saw on that

that because by the way that that first kid that we open the show with that is the gram kid right yeah I'm a fuck with you so such a ridiculous kid but I saw the video of you on Instagram walking like in the back hallway of and picking out a snake yeah so we go to the snake restaurant and like this is wild yeah and she you know Billy's girlfriend was like hey you know this place has been around for 20 years which speaks volumes for places in China because the turnover so quick really yeah so they're like if a place has been around for 15 20 years then you know it's legit enough to withstand it like it has a good

and they're not gonna poison their community you know what I mean like they're not gonna make people sick because then they won't be around for 20 years right it's a legitimate established yeah so when we go there like as a joke I was like hey they're gonna let us pick our snake right and they're like I mean yeah we could probably ask like they'll probably be okay with it I'm like oh this is like a real option so we go over there and you know it's three people me my other white friend we have to specify like that because we were foreigners we were foreigners and they've never seen white people in that have they seen a red

hair really before oh yeah that was the other thing people in mainland China were not ready for my face for my hair people were pointing and laughing like whenever they walk past I was hoping people would take pictures with me but they didn't have the courage to do that instead they just made eye contact pointed like this and then laughed and like I don't know what they were saying but it was with the inflection of like that's right like in Chinese to me just yep just like just like that exactly what they said have you been to China before oh yeah you went to Hong Kong and you probably picked up some stuff Hong Kong Macau Singapore I

know that like in a lot of certain parts of the Asian world you know blondes people will be like whoa yeah I was in Korea they would take they would take pictures take pictures and like kind of yeah wait I love my white skin oh sure now what about oh so the snake what kind of snakes okay so they take us to the back and actually if you go on my if you go on my instagram you can see the video so there was they take us to the back and immediately there's just a room maybe as big as the set just lined with snake cages and snakes in there and first you're like oh okay so these are like weird like these are snakes that are definitely safe to eat what did it smell like a cobra no there were multiple

cobras in the room and they just start immediately hissing and I think spit like coppers spit yes and so my first concern was making sure that they've been devenomized no and so I ask I asked my my friend's girlfriend like hey these have been devenomized right like if they're spitting out they're not spitting venom and then she's like I don't understand the question and then she asked them and like I just see shoulders from everyone I'm like okay let's get out of this room yeah all of these snakes are spitting poison at us that would have been such a crazy obituary yeah about you he died as he picked a snake like a blue man so wait what did the room smell like because all this is like a pet store a little bit like a pet store yeah

but so so then they were like so you want this cobra or do you want this more powerful king cobra and so we're like how much is it and they were like oh it's about like 300 Hong Kong dollars per kilo what's that in American it's about seven to one so I can't do the math what's the math on like about 40 dollars a kilo oh it's a lot yeah it's a lot first for you know we were we're just going for a small type of snake you know we're not so how was that garden snake it was good it was like I mean I don't want to sound like what everyone says but it tastes like chicken like if you've had frog legs it's kind of like that like you have to eat around a lot of bones and stuff but we had it served up two ways one because there was a lot of snake to go around yeah and it's half

the price of of the king cobra yeah so we got one is like marinated in a type of like oil dish one was just straight up fried and then they took all the leftover blood and they gave us fried rice that was fried in the snakes wow what's your friend how long has he been there he's been there for seven years now seven years yeah so he's like a resident yeah he's he's a local does he speak well now yeah Chinese oh yeah there was like being in mainland China and not speaking the language the first time I've ever felt like a foreigner in my life and is he staying I mean is he just gonna yeah I mean like you know he's seven years yeah he's gonna he's gonna be there for an extra minute like I think he's trying to be there to stay there yeah wait but okay so most importantly most importantly yeah

you eat the snake you have the blood in the rice uh-huh what are your Chinese browns like well they were great really really because you know in America you're eating all this processed food all the time that's what it sounded like coming out I've never had this much bulk in my diet really yeah it came out I had the best browns in my life on this trip it wasn't runny no no like every single shit I had was was a banger you know everything was an all-star shit wow oh but but the smells were yeah wild like not it didn't like my farts didn't smell like I was farting other people's farts is that browning other people's browns it did not smell it's about like a farm a farm and the toilets are different in the eastern oh yeah I think I found out at

the snake restaurant that they do not have the same toilets as us yeah what are they like they have holes in the ground no and I don't I don't do that I don't I've never been a squatter I don't know how to like do a slavic squat but everyone does it over there I know and I don't know how to do it like without completely taking my pants off otherwise you're just taking a shit straight into your pants I don't know how to lean over that's an interesting point like yeah because you have to put your pants I guess all the way down but then they're touching the shit floor yeah which is also soaked in piss yeah and then you're squatting and then do they have a bar because I know I in Kyrgyzstan they did that too and yeah in Kyrgyzstan they

put like two metal bars on the floor so you could at least hold on to the bars and then shit in the hole but it's it's fucking hard everybody has good aim over there because I didn't see any skid marks did you see or talk to your friend about mainlanders shitting indoors on the floor like just no no no no but you've heard of this yeah I've heard about mainlanders yeah yeah that was actually a thing that I in Hong Kong they're like stop shitting on the floor well they were like what do you want to see in China and one the thing was I want to see mainlanders in their natural habitat I want to be pushed out of the way out of a feline and we didn't get to do that oh that would be cool I would have been like show me someone shitting like at an AT&T

store yeah that's what I was just shitting on the floor now in in Hungary and in a lot of the eastern world they have these toilets where like when you take a brown it lands on a porcelain level and then you you pull the the rope and then like water pushes your brown off that porcelain level and down did you have that toilet yeah these toilets these chinese mainland toilets were not built for my american but no none every time I took a shit over there never did it touch the water it was always on the back of the porcelain wall of the toilet wall and then hopefully you know the water the water the flushes are more powerful in China I would say it's powerful flushes yeah because like I I think every time I took a shit that should have left a skid yeah like an airplane

yeah like a plane wash yeah yeah yeah you're gonna get sucked out I've had like a shit on an airplane where I got up and I looked and I was like oh fuck it's just like caked against the back and wait how does it get caked against the back I don't even know how does that happen I don't know are you leaning forward I don't know what I'm doing yeah I just it's just you're like you have your your your your it's like somebody it's like somebody put it in like a big like a spoon and then they just fucking curled it at the back as fast as they could and then but those airplane toilets are just they have fucking NASA technology I know like it's don't you wish we kind of had that in the house absolutely like a suction and then it blows it out into the air you probably figure that out

don't you wish that when you flush the toilet on a plane that it just dumped it out into the sky wouldn't that be the best of course like I would pay extra to have that done well also if at that altitude it would just like freeze and yeah turn into rocks like a frozen meteor turd and just ruin somebody's life it'd be great when I was in Hawaii with Tom yeah we even say we went to Hawaii for New Year's thanks for everybody who came to the shows in Honolulu and Maui Mahalo so much fun Mahalo yeah and um so what I mean I've had them here on the mainland and they're rare and they're special but I'm so mystified when it happens is do you ever get the foot long turd hmm I never look so I don't really know you're crazy that you're not looking at your browns I never look what not

once are you is this a joke or are you being serious I'm being a hundred percent serious why don't you look at your browns you have to look to see that you're okay there's not blood in the bowl nope I'm 40 I'm not going to start doing it you never look not once sometimes I'll walk away and be like oh there's still a bunch in the toilet I forgot to flush I guess but I don't I don't actually shit look and then but that's your work like I'm so proud of my browns that I want to see what I've done I can tell I can feel it no that's the thing that's deceptive about the foot long grounds is that they don't feel like they're that long and so when they happen it's like a mist of a mystical thing because you're like that felt like a small there's probably nothing and then I turn around

I was like oh my god this is an enormous brown yeah well speaking of browns you're just gonna dismiss that I mean a dove you've had that right where you're like this is nothing and then you turn around it's like a foot longer I mean my first shit off the plane in China was was that I thought I thought it came out like oh that was diarrhea for sure and they turned around and you're like oh my god I like fold it over on itself twice it was it was a good wow yeah now what about our our problematic shitter how are your holidays did you make kaka or no I don't remember I'm not dragging it anymore but you know are you going more than once a month I hope more than once a month at least because I mean no shit November's over unfortunately but I don't know how many times

though really yeah no clue I mean I just I don't I was talking about it about drew I just I disassociate the minute I enter the bathroom I don't know what I'm doing that's something else that's an emotional problem and listen to this listen any you really need to take a shed I know you're black and you guys do your own thing but you still have to share do our own I can't believe you got to record that I know so great my mom came in here and did an episode of my Spanish podcast and then I had her do line reads thank god those are my favorite I know and it was I mean listen any you really need to take a shed I know you're black and you guys do your own thing but you still have to shed oh you know we paid a pretty penny for these drops

don't think this was free anymore not at all Bert is fat and racist yeah she did a bunch of them more more killing your people kill Christ and you need to pay the price as for forgiveness or you meet your maker now oh my god pretty good huh your mother's so hateful when did this start it's so great what's up there chomo this is your mom's house you don't like it that's a dead retard wait that was the best one we need to hear that one again the end the emphasis chomo this is your mom's house you don't like it that's a dead retard I mean very return

oh my god that is so good pretty great you know people don't realize we had the entire cigar clan over at our house for everybody was here Christmas I had to organize a huge party it was a chaos that was the worst experience of my life it was we had no fun Tom and I were never been more upset popping fucking uh uh uh pimo benden or whatever what am I talking about taking my pills xanax it was horrible I spent a month preparing that was the worst idea oh my god we never can do that again never again here's what happened we had a door ripped off because the kids were slamming it so much one of the safety gates for the dogs got ripped up someone spilled wine on our couch and then your full glass of red wine yeah on our gray couch and then your sister who was

ripped comes over and goes I know I did that you have to put salt on it and then she throws an entire box of salt on our couch yeah just empty salt like what a whole container of salt I was like what are you doing she's like that's hot hot hot hot salt I was like oh my god and then she goes yeah I put soda water on it and then she poured soda water on it and then my other sister was like I could help that day and I was like shut up so it was like yeah we were off the rails man I wasn't good so I was so so stressed out that you know I was so stressed out I took you know I take CBD at night yeah should we get into this story is this okay this was the best so this is the night before our Christmas 23rd 23rd of December the Ciguras have descended on us um I'm taking care of

the kids and wait I cuz I come home oh that's the night I did uh the podcast with Rogan and Ari and Bert and so I'm with the kids I'm trying to get the house ready the the in-laws are arriving everybody's arriving I'm stressed out to the gills I you know I'm drinking my wine I'm doing this and that and I'm in bed and I think to myself I'm just gonna do some CBD drops like I normally do I'm gonna chill out I'm just gonna now to be clear to set this up clearly you regularly take CBD with no THC right and it just is like a pre-bedtime routine that helps you relax and go to sleep but it is THC free I don't like to get high because they make it with various degrees you can get absolutely no THC you can get like just a smidge the gradually more or you can go you know what's

the one I take it's like no THC yeah I forget the name of it but yeah it has no THC holy mackerel so I get home around so you take your your CBD CBD oil I pass out around 11 10 30 11 and I get home around 12 30 maybe one no one one okay because we started that podcast is unbelievable we already flew in so we started like 10 p.m. and it just goes and you know how it like Rogan podcast sometimes go three three and a half hours has he aired that one yet yeah that that went out like the next day but it was it was super long and I just remember that I was like I gotta go man we had we were drinking and I got an uber home and then I walk in the room and you're like oh this is the this is the best part is that I walk in and you get up to go to the bathroom and you just go like hi you

kind of like scratch my back yeah you're brushing your teeth at the sink I go take a pay and like all right how was the podcast we you know we're just totally normal totally normal and then I go to lay down in the bed and I'm like I notice like a lag in my vision like you know when you it's like you ever done acid before and you kind of move your head and you go like that kind of trailing yeah and I was like that's weird and I just thought well maybe I'm still dreaming because I might be sleepwalking because I would sleepwalk as a kid and I thought I was in a deep sleep when you came in I thought maybe my brain thinks I'm asleep and this is what's that sleep paralysis yeah and I put my head on the pillow and I'm like wait a minute this is my head is not

working right something is wrong am I asleep am I in sleep paralysis something's wrong something is wrong and then you lay down next to me and I'm like I don't know anything yet I just go like all right I'm gonna I'm I'm so exhausted because you know you talk three and a half hours late at night I'm just tired so I just lay down and then you I hear you go Tommy and I go yeah you go something's wrong I'm like what and I'm by the I'm spent I'm like what and she's like something's wrong I thought she's gonna tell me like we need to make sure you unplug the Christmas lights I was like what she's like I think I'm having a stroke I was like what and she's like I feel wrong I feel something's wrong and she sits up and turns the light on and I'm like because you know like when

you're tired and you feel like I finally get to sleep your body shifts down so I was like in that mode and I was like now I gotta like I'm like wait what do you mean she's like I just feel I feel something is wrong with me and I was like she goes I think I need to go to the hospital I'm like wait a minute what are you talking about I'll tell you I wanted to go to the hospital because because I was so out of my head and I was like my thoughts aren't right and I and my vision was like fractal vision and I'm like something's wrong I think I'm having a stroke like I really thought that my meds were off and I was I was losing my mind because I really see that you were really parents and I had read about strokes and this doctor was like yeah you you kind of are in

like a fractal vision world and I was like I'm having a stroke I'm having let's go to the hospital let's go to the hospital we got to go to the hospital I'm like what are I start waiting I'm like what are the chances that that's happening right now so I go um I just like take a second I go did you take anything and she's like um I took my CBD and I was like can I see it and she handed to me and I'm like oh this is the highest dosage THC CBD that they make and I go did you take like a full vial of this and she's like yeah and I go I go you're just you're just high I go you're fine I go I know it feels like this but everything's gonna be all right and she goes okay and she just turns the lights off lays down and then a second there she

goes no something's really wrong and I know no it's not I go look it just feels that way I know what it feels like I just want you to know I was a really good wingman you were real well because because here's what happened I I decided that night that I was gonna put a little stink on my CBD game because I was so stressed out I thought I'm just gonna take a little bit of the kind with THC in it just a little bit and so I took a little dose and like an hour had passed and I was like oh this is like real chill so I'm just gonna oh like I took a bunch because it was the kind that Sammy had given me from the comedy store triply and you know trips does not fuck around like he's always got those bags in the he doesn't do gluten free no

I'm saying and so I just I would load it up and the reason I panic so much because I had taken it like four hours before I'd woken up in trip so I was like wait but I took that shit four hours ago how can I be this high from four hours ago and that's the part and so in my head I kept looping like I think I'm going insane because I can't be this high four hours later and then I would go but Tom said I was okay and that this is just drugs and he's not a liar so I'm okay and then I would have a full panic attack where my heart would pound out of my chest and the adrenaline full panic and then I would talk myself down and then I would go I'm on drugs I'm okay I'm on Tom's not a liar it can't be real and then panic attack I would have rolling panic attacks until

about six a.m. and then I just got out of bed took care of the kids I was like I can't take care of the kids as high remember yeah it's like Tom I can't take care of our kids it was yeah by the way the reason I feel like I knew what to say because I've been on your side of it even oh my god all you want when you're like that high is somebody cool and calm around you you know you just want someone to be like look this is going to go away yeah just a feeling so I kept trying to tell you that oh my god you know because you can be a bad friend to somebody who's yes that high and you could be like you're probably gonna die right now you know oh my god and hadn't really made them go really well because you know when you're that psychotically high like you don't know how much

time has passed you don't know if it's one minute or ten years or yeah and the next morning I was so grateful I was still high when I got up to take care of the children but I was so grateful to you because you were my rock and if I had just woken up and gone pee and you weren't there yeah I would have been hospitalized like I would have called the ambulance you really would have a hundred percent because I thought I had forgotten that I had taken the CBD I've forgotten and I was just like map I'm just going lose in my mind it was crazy I'm never taking shit that Sam Tripoli gives me I mean dosing that was horrible I did so Bert has a new TV series with Netflix and I did I did an episode of it yesterday with him and Joey Diaz and it's I can't tell you details

but I can I can tell you that it's basically just an episode of Joey talking and Bert and I laughing oh my god like literally I'm like I don't know what I'm doing here except just being like a giggler because Joey's just saying in the same shit you see the whole crew just going like like this in the background and um yeah he was like you want an edible I go no no nothing from you and he was like bop bop bop like popping them in his mouth smoking a joint on the set just so crazy and people are like is that how he is in real life yeah yes all the time yes it's not an ad no no it's I can't get into any of the stuff it's really it's great it is great though but anyways so the next day was Christmas Eve we were fine we had a horrible time with our family just Tom and I were doing everything

and then we finally go to Hawaii and it was great we stayed in the room for we you know we didn't leave the resort basically we stayed there it was great order room service half the time and then we went to a luau which even that was kind of a pain in the ass for us to get out I didn't want to go nobody you know where I'm living room I'd already paid a bunch to go and I was like fuck I had to walk downstairs walk with my family put underwear on yeah it's the worst I like she's the thing man you know we travel all year as comics so it's like I just want to go somewhere and just sit still and I do things so like a lot of people go on vacation they're like I'm gonna sign up for this and oh my god that's not vacation I just want to sit in a room did you imagine babe I want to

wake up at 4 a.m. I want to go on a hike and then I want to go on excursion across the island but I gotta say they do an amazing job like all the Hawaiians were like so friendly yes so nice you know super outgoing always offering whatever help they could I mean even I went to one of the shops there and there was a there was a Hawaiian lady shopping and she was like oh yeah oh you need to go see this like she was just like so friendly you know yeah it was really like definitely one of the friendliest ethnicities out there is Hawaiians definitely we're thinking about like who you want who does good service went on in like the vacation world and I gotta say you know most the time like when I'm on the road you've ever been on the road and you leave your hotel room

and you see um a white housekeeper yes and then you go oh I'm gonna go back in a room and take my value because it's super sketchy to see like a yeah like a white lady you're like you're in the myth like you know right away that because 100% especially and they're like they're shitty or flight attendants oh they're the worst it happens in the Midwest a lot you'll see the white house keeper and you're like I don't trust this bitch at all you're like yeah no you know what I was gonna go to the gym and take my watch off but I think I'll wear it for this workout although I will say when we were in London about 10 years ago with Russell Peters yeah and the service people were primarily Polish I liked that they were good I enjoyed that I know

because I was like oh my tribe is like kind of moving on up moving on out of the Easter block best customer service though no no I'm saying best they're not has to be I think in the the Asian world you think so dude you fly when I flew from Hong Kong to Singapore that's good yeah I flew on cafe Pacific not I know you're like oh Tom first no I flew economy like a fucking loser and Jesus Christ they treat you with so much respect and like you you just you feel like you're like you're like I know a piece of shit I'm in the back of this plane but they're like no you're not you're a real person and they treat you so rare they treat you so well all over the place yeah all over the place I mean here's the thing there there is a cultural just aspect of respect

in the Asian world right like it's bigger to respect your elders treat people with dignity and that is it bleeds into not just those personal relationships but into their professional world into customer service so you just get better service yeah in the Asian world although I do like Mexico I think there's a lot of great service in Latin America yeah I would say that's true I mean you go to a Tulum or a Cancun yeah and it is lovely well you know why here's the thing Latin America has a very distinct class system there's a hierarchy you know so people know they're like oh I don't deserve better I'm here to serve you I was born into this Jesus Christ and uh I'm your servant I'm I want to make you happy she's like Downton Abbey they're on the

the lower you know who else has the cat India India has a cast system yes yes 100% in Latin America it's still quite but in that way you take pride in your work and you don't see your work as being beneath you it's very important that's right which is is why it makes sense well actually you know like in Latin America speaking of Downton Abbey right so there's the the owners and then they have their working class butlers and all right and it's like it's obviously takes place 150 plus years ago well in Latin America it's still very common to have a maid you know I love it yeah so I love that so just a live in but it's like what you're saying it's like you're you're born if you're born into this and you have I pay her though yeah it's not a slave just a servant no there you go oh Jesus

what's it like in Israel is there a servant class mm-hmm what are they though Filipinos Filipinos tcn's third country nationals there you go yep so they have a bunch of Filipino workers yeah like I know when I would go to Israel most summers like my grandparents had Filipino like living maid housekeeper yeah um yeah that's like the working class uh or the serving class also Ethiopians I remember going to Peru as a kid and like even so I have a lot of relatives there and some of them do very well and some of them don't even the like my poorest relative who didn't live in a nice apartment and you know struggled to get by she had a four times a week housekeeper that came by cleaned cooked and I'm like how do you have this and then my mom would just be like

it's just normal here and I'm like why are we such losers that we can't have one in the United States I know and she was like it's too expensive I was like you guys got to get your shit together and start doing better because this is embarrassing to come here have fucking meals cooked everything's clean and then we go back home and you're like you pick it up like why don't you get someone to fucking pick it up I'm serious it was embarrassing I was like Jesus Christ I hear Thailand is very nice that they're the best in the night I've never been though I hear good things about the Thai that they're so very kind yeah yeah yeah yeah who's uh what about in your experience what do you like service wise oh um I mean you know stick to what I know yeah Filipinos are really nice

yep um any type of Spanish trust them but I've never whenever I go to a hotel I think I learned this from my dad just always have do not disturb on yeah on the room until I like but I mean for long stays it gets a little foul I mean actually in China in China whenever we stayed in hotels we would always put on the do not disturb just because it's like I don't want people going through my shit yeah and they called us and they're like hey no one's clean that room in 48 hours do you want us to send someone up to do it like no we're good are you sure didn't understand it and what city were you in uh that happened in Hong Kong you know Hong Kong is such a cool city yeah and you saw my boy dude yeah you went to Danny's yeah dude got some Danny shirts I can't wait to see them

yeah I'm really excited I got the tracking number should hopefully be here in a couple weeks wasn't it the best it's the best experience right it's just so night like you go in there it's a little like stall in the mall and you know at first they're like oh who told you about this place I was like oh you know Tom Segura I told me about they're like oh Tom Segura at first I was like I don't know if they actually remember him or not yeah yeah but then they were like oh yeah he was over here with two other community like they were explaining um uh I need you to kill yeah the documentary yeah I'm like oh that's when he was in Hong Kong yeah and they're like oh okay they definitely do remember him yeah um and they just gave VIP treatment after I dropped

your name nice man yeah they hooked my buddy Billy up with the free shirt did they give you a beer they did yeah yeah yeah that's right they're just like you want something to drink I'm like oh yeah do you guys have like I'll take a diet coke or cold water and then they open the fridge I'm like I'll take that beer that's in there yeah they encouraged us to have beer yeah we were like and they were like have a beer I'm really okay now I will tell you who's not the best at service is my tribe yeah or Rusky's cold as ice don't even do it there's no I don't like Russian or hungarian eastern block nothing like salons like fuck you you need you need us more than we need yeah terrible angry yeah yeah I don't like that kind of service man that that's see that's cold

white people service you know it's funny your mom said to me because shadow and I were uh we got we would do this thing your mother and I were we would drink every night at the house you'd be gone two nights in row we did I shouldn't say every night and I would just let her talk basically because no one listens to her anymore and it was so cute because I'm like charl what kind of music do you like what do you like and she goes I like this Maria and she we listen to her music and I go this is so love I go oh Edith Piaf covers this song it's a french singer same thing and we listen to Edith Piaf's version it was much colder and more depressing yeah and she goes that is because you white people have no feelings yeah the gringo has no feeling yeah and I'm like

that's so true she went into detail that's so true my tribe is not we're not good with feelings we have emotion yeah feel love yeah to say things yeah but that's why I love your your latin cultures I like it that's right that's why I love shadow the real mom at your mom's house kickback call your nuts and listen to this real ass new shit how what did that cost you to have a lot we went to Dior right for makeup yeah and then she was like can I get a toner I was like get whatever you want well so a good thing happened we did we did do one thing on our vacay is we went to a luau right we must I was on new year's eve why has this nice slow kind of easy fun relaxed kind of style doesn't have that new york jew pace

my dad said that I know I think it's just new york pace I was like new york hustle and bustle he's like you know what I mean I was like that's not how it works it doesn't have that new york fast jew pace you know I'm like yep that's cool you know what I love about your dad and I've actually adapted from him is when he's done he is done yeah he's like all right I'm gonna go to my room now buddy okay I need to get up and he leaves I love it I do the same thing gotta go I'm like um people are still having dessert he's like I'm done I'm like okay I did it remember at dinner when I was like I gotta go I'm off I'm done I'm cooked and people are like is your dad upset I'm like oh no no he's fine he's bored with

you so he left that's what I do and I did it one night at dinners and I I loved it because I was over it it's it really works every one of my like roommates from college they'd be like I think your dad doesn't like me and I was like why I'm like well I was talking to him and then he just walked away yeah he does that I grew up with that okay why did he walk away okay because he just wants to do something else and he's not gonna pretend to be interested still and you know what I love most about him is that he thinks Italian food is like really foreign cuisine yeah and because when we came back from Hawaii I go what do you want me to make for dinner I was cooking Sunday dinner yeah at the house and he's like uh American food Christina steak uh cream sauce

you know American style I don't even know he's the only person I know who doesn't like Italian food I'm serious does not like it that's like a staple of most like people's you know I mean like dining work cuisines cheese tomato sauce pasta good pizza yeah hates fucking traditional Italian dishes where you're like what and he loves food so I'm like how do you he's like don't like it you don't want any of that greaseball shit give me uh I doesn't the only it's American like he was eating like just turkey and cheese sandwiches on toast the whole time but what was really interesting was on the plane ride home that the baby was kind of farting a little bit and bored and I smell the baby's diaper and I was like oh this baby took a dump we got to change the diaper yeah and then

you go no no I've been farting a lot too yeah and then I went up to where top dog was sitting and he goes I've been farting this whole time and then charo and charo was farting the whole flight so we not we had we cooked that class we cooked it three generations of seguro men we're farting we're farting and shitting and shitting on the plane it was bad it wasn't nice I mean I was I was like I thought it was the baby's fart but it was your rotten fart in first class it was disgusting it was gross but the back to the luau so it was delightful they had a pig and we told your mother uh that we got a VIP ticket to the luau that was fun she's pretty gullible yeah so we're like we got VIP and because I paid extra you get to

watch them kill the pig like they'll slaughter it in front of you she was like I don't want to see that and I go I paid a lot and then I told her around noon she should skedaddle because that's when they feed the elderly to the pigs yeah they pay the frailest old person and they push them into a pit and the pig gets to eat it and it's better that they're old because the pig can snap right through their old bones so we went to the luau and your mother was terrified she was like trembling and she was like I have to watch it die and I was like yeah yeah but it's an honor you got to act like you like it because it's an honor you can't be disrespectful because in hawaii it is it is yes it's disrespectful if you don't eat all the food on your plate or if you refuse like you're

supposed to do that yeah so when we got to luau there was the pig with its head and everything and I made her look at it and she's she created you know screamed and cried yeah she didn't get to we didn't actually get to watch it die but they did have it you know they have like the pig just like on a plate and Christina grabbed her like I want you to see something yeah and I got to eat the ear which is the best part so okay but the best part of the luau is they have the dancers what do they call those guys the cool dancers the male no they're like you know they do like a warrior dance right yeah they're just like you know they squat and they're doing all this like crazy aggressive you've seen it before yeah you've seen it in show yeah and it's like it's like a it's a

cool thing but there was one and they're all like pretty yoked called a haka haka dance yeah they're they're doing this thing it's cool but there's one dude oh my god who's like who's not fat like he he's ripped they're all ripped these boys are skinny they've got six packs they look cute they're in good shape good shape but he had full breasts not fat boy tits breasts like like a curved beautiful breast like sea cups yeah and then I started to see people see it like I would look at people and they were like they're like yeah we couldn't and then everybody at our table was looking at his tits and they jiggle when he was because then that and then like people would be like oh because you would see like sometimes with a certain hand movement you know like your chest

changes movement his hands would be up and you could still see perfect breasts they were really nice too yeah but I wouldn't give for those tits they were really nice and they were like sea cups at least like beautiful perfect size breasts I know and everybody's like oh we'll see transitioning I'm like no it's not that he would not be no he wouldn't be dancer and that thing and you I mean it's kind of crazy that they're like you can stay and we saw him in the promo for the hotel yeah video yeah with his shirtless shirtless with his breasts I'm like you didn't want to pick one of the other guys one of the titty list guys to do the promo video this is odd it was unnerving yeah it really gave us something to think about talk about all night we're like some of the guy with the

big beautiful breasts it's so bizarre oh my god so bizarre yeah and then you know it was like our year-end kind of you know celebration with family so we got a massage at the spa which you never let me book us a well we had appointments and then I went in person to the spa spoke to the manager and I was like I know my wife made a massage appointment I just want to make sure this isn't a couples massage and she goes did you say isn't and I go exactly she goes you have massage at the same time I go right but in different rooms she was like I don't know what you're asking me I go I understand that we're coming here at the same time I just don't want to see her while I'm here and she was like okay I mean it's and here's it here's the deal man yeah that we've been together

for so long and I understand your reason and I'm not like I mean I yes I would like if we could have a romantic couples massage that would have been nice but it's always other people's reaction that they assume we're about to divorce or something oh yeah because they're like nah well I don't hide my disdain for it yeah I don't go like oh listen I go like no no no no yeah I don't want that Jesus and then the and then the poor person always looks at me like are you really with this guy still I'm like I'm sorry we have two children I can't leave him he hits me yeah they assume that something really abusive is happening because they're always shocked here you don't want to do it here's why okay I really I love the spa experience and I really

get into I should probably learn how to meditate but I get into a relaxed meditative state in those places I really do I zone out before I like going in the steam room I like and I feel like like I'm not a talker right I don't want that when you get a massage I'm not like how so where are you from course if they if they start go shut the fuck up so I zone out and what I hate is that when you do a couples massage you not only have to deal with your muscle now you have a second massage therapist talking to your spouse sure but it's just another conversation and then you're hearing that and then I don't make those noises whatever I do not make those then they're like and how's the pressure for you and I want to go hey how about you shut the fuck up so I can relax over here I'm trying to

relax right so to me it's not a first of all you don't experience romance in that situation you're both face down in the hole right and your face is in the donut like you're not massaging each other so how is it how is it supposed to be romantic I don't get it well I mean it just is being in the the same company as you would you know I just like to be around I like to be around you too but it's like I feel like the way I like doing the thing where like you get your massage and then like hey I'll meet you in the lounge we could talk about how relaxed separate massage separate vacations I'll go down for that too I'll go to Puerto Rico you go to Hawaii and we'll meet up in two weeks hey sign me up where do you want to send an email right now

okay we would like to take separate vacations I'm going to Puerto Rico first you're taking a go to Puerto Rico no one thing we did see two on our vacay were these two large bears yeah and the first day was spent debating like are they or are they friends are they lovers what's going on you know when you just see people at the pool and you see them enough the funny thing was you're like I think they're just friends what two six foot two I don't know 330 pound guys with beards just hanging out at this resort together you know they're like they're two bros like you want to go to Hawaii chill with me no these guys were lovers I guess but they could have been they could have been like midwesterners you know they're they're a large

Canadians are sometimes bear like okay well I don't know I'm gonna presume yeah so these two guys from Chicago were there yeah see hanging out on the beach they were both like gingerish too yeah yeah like really fair skin which in Hawaii you're like I mean that should tell you that place cooks yeah it's new years and it's 88 degrees out you're near the equator you know it's a strong sun these guys and these guys were like just lathered up eating fucking burgers and biscuits by the pool you know they were just like getting a little sun go back get a good fucking you know well that's the thing because once we decided they were gay and we decided it was like you know when you just you look at people on vacation and like like we saw this really hot girl with

another guy and she was dressed like Apollonia and you know she had like a chain a gold chain bikini and you're like what's fair like you know play that game in your head because I was thinking about those those two bears was like you know what's their fucking like I imagine that their head game is so strong yeah you know like because they're such big guys it's like to get it in each other's asses all the time and you know how big they are how much they shit how much they eat it's like let's just blow each other and call it a night but you know that they've been giving out blowjobs for 30 plus years and like aggressive ones you know dude on dudes yeah yeah but they're dudes and they want to fuck and come every day so it's not like they have a kind of iffy head game where

they're like I guess I'll put it in my it just always you know lots of spit lots of ball fucking aggressive and and also just the only giveaway if you're getting if you close your eyes you're like man that beard I keep feeling that beard that's what I was thinking of if the facial hair hits against the testicles or which it does yeah it does and then the guys like come all over my fucking mustache yeah but how much food and shit and come there must be in their vacation week like it's crazier than ours it's way crazier than ours oh yeah yeah every day yeah every day they wake up and they beat they blow in the morning or they do it for dinner they're they're eaters so they're like let's get this food going and then they eat first and then they get blowjobs not smart

well what they do is they eat they shit they probably shower blow go to the pool eat some more take another shit poolside right take the after pool shower blow again take a nap wake up blow go to dinner three blowjobs that's a full fucking that's a fun vacation that's a full day of blowing and shitting and eating and coming and drinking yeah I mean if you drug me enough you know I'd go on a gay vacation like that if you're just like look here's some heroin to get you through the week it's gonna be rough but do it okay you do the gay vacation where dudes are there's drugs if there's drugs involved oh my god I think I would yeah this must be what a gay gay male cruise oh it's gotta be the best yeah he loves his company

and then this is a parenting question this might bleed into where my mom's at a little bit but is it wrong yeah is it wrong to teach her for if you're in the pool already and they have to pee is it wrong to be like just pee in the pool yeah I mean nobody gets out here's the thing I eat they do oh no they do any you do and the end kids do I noticed a lot of people be like I gotta pee and they got him out and I was like uh because that was the first time I was like oh we've been teaching them wrong because because Ellis was like just pee in here pee in the pool it's a pool and I was like oops because I do all day I know and then I don't get out to pee that's what the chlorine is for but but then you that's when you realize you're wrong because you keep seeing these

parents like let's go to the bathroom you're like why are you taking them is he's got his shit no he's got a pee you're like oh oops oops and Ellis was like I just be in the pool like you said to him you're like I know that's at our house though this is a different place and he's like what nothing just keeping he's like I'm not gonna get out to pee now right you're like just can you not say it so loud he wanted to pee on the side of the pool like he does to just be in the pool it was like the lesser of two evil choices yeah just pee in the pool yeah fuck yeah we gotta we gotta teach him now hey you gotta get out and pee in a toilet he's gonna be so confused yeah so there was that that was a good vacation and then we came back and your

parents stay with us for a couple days more and you had bought the head tingler oh my god I just had a I just had one of those flashbacks of remembering you know like the multi prong yeah those are so good and I hadn't I hadn't had one in years and I don't know why it just occurred to me I ordered one on amazon it was like six bucks and those are the best came to the house and as I pulled it out in the kitchen my mom was like oh do it to me and I was like oh okay and I started doing and she was like and I was like I started it like I was doing like I was like my face and she was like why are you stopping because you're making these gross sounds she's like but it feels so good and

I was like shut up it was so gnarly I've never heard her do that before even I was like charl you have to stop I'm gonna throw up yeah well she'll do that for like oh my shoulder hurts and you're like all right you like grab her shoulder you like can you stop making this noise it's disgusting it's so gross and she does it with food too which is so disgusting like just just hold it in everybody likes these things but we nobody has like orgasm sounds you have to make that sound it's fucking gross it's gross especially when it's your mom I know you are busting my balls on the way here for my big pun song oh my god it's so hard you're like what do you relate to in this song I'm like it's a good song I like them the music

yeah but then the lyrics kick in and I'm like why don't you go ahead and read some of it yeah can you scroll up a bit because the part that I've really stood out more and more what about the the build up here this is nuts I mean what do you mean okay hold on okay here we go trust no one got beef bust your gun you don't need no one talk about that you owe him I'm I'm a go for dolo Scarface with a Perono I don't even know what the fuck that is go up but he says he goes that's the whole song no no you got it can we get the the whole lyrics there the part that always I'll tell I can do it off the top of my head he does definitely there it's definitely going just make that bigger if you can yeah go ahead

and start you can start okay you can catch me in the cherry red 150 got the got the glizzy locked in the stizzy pop the glizzy going 60 down a one whizzy drunk pissy trying to cruise through the avenue while my people's is popping bottles up ensues rendezvous and I'm like what part of this shit is like fuck that spun the you we lost the hubcat yeah like I get that it sounds good but I start listening to lyrics and I'm like but wait hold on hold on I keep going and then he goes but it's so hard which I I relate to that okay I get that and then it says big words wanna f my wife right where's that I don't see that go down where is it and where it's want to be like it's so hard yeah yeah niggas want to be like fun but they don't bust a gun you know it's so hard this part

niggas want to buck my wife niggas want to take my life but it's so hard but it's hard work baby I just lost 100 pounds I'm trying to live yeah that whole part of like what that's my wife I paid for them titties get your own your and I'm like Tom what are you listening to like you relate to that stuff this song is so people take your wife he died way before his time because he was super humongous um and he was uh you know he's a crazy addict but that dude's really talented I know I like the sound of the song I'm not saying it's a good song but then I listen to the words and I'm like n words want to take my wife n words want to take my life but it's so hard I'm like what are you listening to this does this sounds crazy big words yeah what is your name once again

and I know you from where elementary school I don't know you man I like that part actually yeah you ain't fucking my wife it's a good song though it is I mean it is uh for me it's like also you know like for most people that's it's nostalgic yeah actually you know that takes me back to being in the mall being 12 years old no sophomore year in college can you look up when that song came out because I'm gonna guess it is like 1999 98 or 99 that's my guess it's so hard big pun um yeah it's so hard hit that oh is it 2000 oh he was Puerto Rican okay it peaked does it say like the release day oh all right well it's kind of close March 30th 2000 but a lot of your music is so aggressive you know it is a lot of it is is super aggressive in the car and I just hear like a nice beat and

I'm like oh this is kind of cool and it's like fuck bitch n words stop stab a bitch suck my dick I'm like Jesus what is this stuff what are you so angry about that you got to listen to this I like I can't listen to that stuff man it hurts my soul really I want to hear this stabbing shooting killing and fighting you're like you know I'm saying I'm I'm listening to fucking you know I'm trying to get inspired yeah but I like it I know you do I know you do this this is really funny this came out uh this dude you've ever been you've ever had at Secret Santa like at work or something yeah check out this dude he was not happy with his Secret Santa gift I played this little bullshit as Secret Santa shit on the car that was given

to me it asked me to list a few items that I would be interested in somebody getting for me I'll participate now me knowing his price as I am I don't fucking put down certain shit for a fucking reason tell me why some dumb country bitch decides to go and buy this shit for me now what the hell is this this if you're listening it is a a bottle of clone with like a deodorant spray and a moisturizer called black classic match it is a knockoff of the polo brand and it even has an emblem that is similar to it and it's 999 98 well what the fuck is this black classic match i version of fucking polo black oh my fucking god what is this shit

where in the fuck do you even find this i don't know where do you find that i don't know where you get to i don't i don't think so then i mean what the fuck your mother fuckers no good damn where i went with no shit like that not passed by you mother fuckers every morning smelling good as a son of a bitch and i make sure you smell it because i walk past the fast the creator breeze you smell the shit and you give me a carbon man you know good damn where i ain't want no shit color black classic match who even makes this shit to create a breeze oh my god i love they gotta get more people upset about their gifts it's really great well i think to her she should not have left the price tag on no that is like if you're gonna play the game of

yeah and go first of all to buy black classic match is shitty to leave the price tag on black classic match yeah is then you got the audacity to get the shit in the mother fucking gift set with some goddamn shower gel in as if i'm gonna bathe in the shit then hop out and spray the shit on oh what the fuck that's the best so angry you're gonna ruin my whole mother fucking season i just want to ball this shit for nobody i'd rather you to catch your ignorant ass your stupid ass to walmart got me a can of x a ball that got damn bought man holy shit well he's right at least here's the mother fucking season to be jolly not to be fucking retarded man i didn't know that was in there funny

fucking retarded tis the season oh my god he does have a point though because when you're doing secret santa there's a price cap on the gifts you can buy and like let's say it's a $30 cap and you spend $30 and then someone gets you black classic match for $9.98 that's not a fair exchange that is a total rip dude that's not then why play the game you know yeah it's fucking you're gonna ruin my whole mother fucking season that's the best that is play the r word again when he says okay fucking retarded i like the also the messages of support you know yeah people like chime in and give the lols and stuff i love you know what i want to do with you i want to switch couples massage well sort of

it is something a couple can do right now i'm just like a subcontractor just a professional handyman oh boy on our free time we'll play board games listen to disney music arts and crafts coloring i'm a full-time baby girl be a baby girl yep michelle prefers to spend her day dressing and acting as a toddler living a fetish more commonly known as ddlg which is all about kinky age play hmm you guys are single well what happens if you take a girl out and she's like i want to play ddlg or i want to be a little baby and you'd be my oh well i fake a work call and i just you fake a work call i just i need to go into the office no matter what time it is

do you really do that i've done that you have you say like oh i just got a message i gotta go to work yeah and she's like it's sunday afternoon i'm like ah we got deadlines yeah what about what about it's a hot who's the high girl now what's her name give me a hot chick i don't know margo robbie it's a hot hot chick oh then you do it yeah yeah yeah i don't change your diaper yeah yeah oh yeah whatever yeah you're like i want to change your diaper make potty in my mouth right now i'm out of wipes i'm out of wipes my tongue was here right my ddlg stands for his daddy dom little girl i'm her daddy and she's my little girl and i take care of her 24 seven just like you would a child he's my daddy and my protector and i need him

uh oh yeah yeah these people do not have children now imagine how you would view this though and respond to it if she were hot right if she didn't look like a garbage pale kid do you think that you would have a different reaction it's gal godot and you're changing her dye dye yeah and she's like i got a full load and you're wiping your pocket i'm gonna be taking very seriously this isn't a game this isn't something that we're just putting on a front this is who we are this is what makes us happy this is okay let's let's let's break it down who's more disturbing to you the girl that wants to be the toddler or the man who wants to be her daddy well this is why white people are terrifying yeah because this guy embodies this is a representative

of like remember we're talking about the white um cleaning crew at the hotels yes it's it's people like this who you're like they're gonna fuck up my shit this is a guy that'll rob you beat you he won't even think he this is a psychopath for sure this guy this is true this is this is a result of too much freedom too much liberty in the world do you know what i'm saying like when you're just on your top of the top of the heap and no one can fuck with you you're like i'm a daddy dom and this is my baby toddler and we play you know shoots and ladders because no one can fuck with this is a reason to encourage dictators yeah you play something like this and you go you know what you should kind of stomp down on some of your people yeah and these are the people you start with

yeah you know what i mean well here's my concern i mean it is a little pedophilic in nature is it a little yeah yeah this is not about adults doing adult stuff this is where it's getting blurry because you're like what is he into is he is he is he's sublimating the real desire he found the loophole yeah the loophole is like you can pretend to be a little baby a little kid because i can't get a real one without you know jeopardizing freedom which i guess in some ways is a positive if you're gonna have to find a silver lining i don't know of course we're gonna get a million emails they do this all day i am baby girl every day almost all day from the time i wake up till a few hours before i go to bed i'm in little space every morning i get bubble bath with

all my favorite bath toys and if i don't get a bath i get sad and then when does he bang you like are you still it's mostly fun and games but when michelle misbehaves there are repercussions what the heck is going on in this room look at this mess what the behavior chart is as i get three check marks a day green for good behavior yellow for warnings or red for bad behavior and based on how many you have daddy sets out a punishment or he lets you take out a reward well i'm looking for parenting tips here i'm like does that work i'm such an idiot i'm like and and does that chart do they behave better because i'd be interested in implementing this system in our house and they have our kids don't listen collection of paddles but different

punishments get your life means you're getting the cane the cane now i'm not into that is this for real this isn't like a bit no it's from barcraft everything that i that i've gotten from them has always been because we played one we played one um like a month ago or something right of the dude that said it's not sexual this is just something that we do to pass the time no no i'm saying we played a video that people reached out and said oh this was a this is a bit it was the uh i think the english construction worker that wasn't real that was actually a bit that's what i was told i got messaged at a number at they seem real they seem disturbing but that i kind of did yeah the chart and all that non i mean but this is also so hardcore like they're not

sort of playing sometimes friday nights when we want to kink it up she's like i wake up every day daddy gives me a bath well this dude also has a tattoo on his chest that's that says daddy dom little girl like i think it's dd or yeah dd uh lg lg tattooed on his chest whoa oh it's really is this is not a game yeah he's in the lifestyle he's got that nice throat piece too that's kind of nice throat tat yep i grew up in a very disciplinary and household when i was a kid i took a very strong interest in the spanking aspect something clicked in my head i'm like this is what i like i've always liked to be in charge i like to be the boss i think i was born for this yeah but the little girl look the only part that creeps me out is that she's not an adult space

or whatever i'm gonna make you cry i guess it's legal that was unsettling man yeah thanks guys let's hold on why don't we go to our dates let's move it on sure some positive right we got some dates coming up it's so hard sing it tom yeah so hard uh right now as you're watching this i'm in australia i'm very excited to be here the shows are sold out there were a few left um in Auckland new zealand on the 25th very excited to do that i'm also doing some spanish shows throughout 2020 i start them february 5th in ontario at the improv there i also do it um in oxnard levity live there that's all in spanish and tempi uh february 20th um then i am on the road i'm doing oh i'm doing the terry feitor theater in las vegas march 6 and 7th

um i'm very excited about that i go back there those are the past news all sold out thank you for that i'll do uh the date and funny bone in march and i will be in april i'm doing brea that's in english and then i'm doing some spanish shows in dallas houston austin and san antonio i go back to las vegas in may and then in in uh june west palm beach and then miami that's in the beginning of june i'm doing that one miami spanish show very excited about these shows the uh the club dates that i mentioned it's to work out all new material uh since my special will be coming out here shortly i'll have the announcement of that probably uh early next month then oh um for those of you that don't know my tickets are at tomsegarer.com slash tour and then

this is charo the real mom oh my bad i just wanted to tell you this christina's big tits are back on tour go see a show man there you go thanks tom sure ah it's so nice to be known for stuff yeah good thing i work on these jokes so people can make fun of my tits hey that was my mom oh yeah i know she said that right she did you want to hear it again okay big thanks to everybody who came out that in austin at the cap city comedy club it was a great weekend moving along january 30th through february 1st in poosten texas that's at the houston improv they have these huge words that grow on them february 14th through 15th tampon florida at the tampa improv let's go full throttle that's valentine's day you guys february 28 through 29th

manfront disco nice at cops you two bitch march 7th pasadena at the ice house that's the make good from the 25th of october march 13th through 14th derau florida at the miami improv fucking retarded in march 26 or 28th phallus texas at the addison improv oh i'll make you come april 3rd and 4th jew dork titties at carolines if you want to move in you can move in that's his territory yeah 2395 april 24th and 25th demois aiowa at the funny bone that's a slow mo fart and then june 12th through 13th fartnix arizona at stand up live tickets at christina p online also check out where my mom's at podcast by and for moms and dads they've been listening to the show nice check out my two netflix specials mother inferior and the degenerates

all right uh don't forget i have the tom segura in espanol if you want to listen to my spanish podcast and of course we have a whole bunch of gear on our merch website go to merch method dot com slash tom segura and get that gear the government is trying to stop you but you just got to do you dog she said segura yeah yeah segura segura my dad beat her into her the wrong way to say it for years wrong yeah um are we gonna do some baby daddy play tonight you're gonna change my dye dye i got some squirrely dumps um so uh what do we do we have reeds we gotta do um we don't have those yet but since we're a week ahead we'll just do those all next week okay um so so we just so now i'd say just just say thanks jeans so we could either go to a song or to a guest and it says stop

beread yeah we'll do that after this okay all right uh thanks jeans that'll be a lot of fun i love you and um just in case you guys don't know we will be back next week i run uh uh eight day 15 see you then hi 30 i love charles yeah charles is great what's going on it's charles all right so charl we will see you then oh so thanks for listening watching see you next week so get up get up

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i'm gonna make a death party