Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 535 - Robert Hines - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 23, 2020

There is turmoil in the Denimverse. Robert Paul Champagne has been frantically posting and he is upset with Tom, Christina, Josh Potter and Dr. Drew. The mommies take a look at his messages and then call him on the phone to see if things can be patched up, on this very special episode of Your Mom’s House. Robert Hines is a comedian and viral video sensation who’s “BBQ Chicken And Foot Massage” video took off a few years back. Tom and Christina highlight some of the best with Robert and also talk to him about his time as a Jail Guard. After the Mommies exercise their jail obsession, they show Robert some Fed Smoker videos and a brand new TikTok batch!

Here we are. We're back. So excited. There's really groundbreaking stuff happening right now. There's so much happening in our world. Oh, I mean. The YMH world. The denim is becoming unwoven. The very fabric of our jeans. The jeans are too high and too tight today. There's just, I just can't even.

Anyway. We'll get to our show in just about, oh. Say run, eat o'clock, eat 15. Pretty soon. I can't get Charles out of my heart. Charles. Oh man. He's been haunting me all weekend. It's funny because, you know, we do the show and obviously people comment things, make memes, songs, everything.

But then it's always interesting what happens in your personal life. So like, in the last week, I've had a lot of friends be like, I gotta get some more Charles. Like text me. Like, do you have any more Charles stuff? What's going on? It's Charles. What's going on? It's Charles.

Of course you guys found him. So I've seen a bunch of his, he does long ass videos. And inspirational ones. And our agent Jeans Andrew was even inspired to make a video. He was. So he did. It was an impression. It was great.

Our agent sent us a video doing Charles' video word for word. The whole thing. The whole thing. He's really struck a chord and touched our lives, this one. And you know, it's cool because my agent could have just texted me, but. He just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. He sent me a video, which was really cool. Never do a video instead of a text or phone call.

That's what we've learned from all these cool guys who make videos. Never do one. Yeah, it doesn't really turn out that great. But the, I don't know, the fucking. We've been shook here by what has happened. It's just been, it's been alarming. Are you talking about what I. Why don't we just play the opening clip and then we can get into it.

Ripples. Shock waves through the studio today in studio jeans. Here we go. No boy. Oh, and by the way, your mom's house did not make me a star, as you claim. I was popular at Coney Island. I was popular when Broadway was 70s, the 80s, the 90s. Okay.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't mind where the fuck is that? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitz.

Christina Pajitz. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah. This is, well, first things first, before we get into the content, let's get into the form. Is it a durag or a swim cap that he has on? What do you think? I'm so hung up on what's on the head.

It looked shiny. So is it like a plastic durag or is it a swim cap? Well, the shininess, I can see what you're talking about. I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to deduce that by location, one who lives in East Harlem, that he may be able to walk downstairs and get a durag. Oh, right. And that swim caps aren't as popular there. Oh.

Geez. Geez. And how does that make you? I need a swim cap. Have you been to Harlem? Are you insinuating they don't have pools in Harlem? I'm just saying it's not as popular. Okay.

Well, and he's got, we're doing a video now from a different part of his apartment. I like that he's got his stuff in the background. He usually doesn't let us see too much of his collections. That's nice. I like his antiques. Let's do the background. So just kind of introduce what's happening in true form. Just how he rolls.

But so we have obviously been fascinated by the great Robert Paul Champagne for a long time, for a long, long, long time. This man has just fascinated us from from the captivated our hearts. Not just. Absolutely. He, he struck a chord in us years ago. Well, from, from the beginning, he was always just known. I need to be fucked a lot there.

Just like that. That's all we knew about this guy. He was just a guy who was hardcore and, and he just wanted to fuck a lot and, you know, you know. Yeah. I'm kind of coming in. Well, that's later. We found out that stuff.

Yeah. I know that. Yeah. But that's who he was to us. Okay. He was just always this guy. And we, we didn't know who he was. It's a while to a while to kink.

We just knew that there was this amazing dude out there who loved to be fucked by strangers. Come and check it out. And, you know, we had no idea who he was. And of course, over the years, last year, it was actually when we discovered this man had a name. He had a public profile and we connected with him and it was just this amazing thing. I mean, he's obviously the type of person that it can be fascinating to explore. Free rendic, at least in a key.

Fuck me. And we just kind of went down the hole of getting to know him. Josh flew out there. Then later on, Dr. Drew, Dr. Drew Pinsky fucking went to New York and sat in his apartment and spoke to him very kindly, might I add. You haven't seen it. It's on our YouTube channel. It's Dr. Drew visits RPC.

I don't know if it's titled that way or how it's titled, but it's yeah, I think we called it house call house called Dr. Drew visits RPC. And it's on our YouTube channel and they they have this fascinating, fascinating conversation. And then I did a podcast with Dr. Drew on Dr. Drew after dark, where a large part of that we discussed his meeting with Robert and the fact that Paul Brazil shot shot both of these shot, Josh's and Drew's. And then recently, I guess people reached out to Robert and, you know, said, you need to check these things out.

And Robert is very hurt by by what I guess he he he just is over it. He's upset with me with a little bit with Josh with Drew quite a bit. You he I mean, here's some of the stuff he's been doing. He's been doing he's been on a posting frenzy. He has been posting, I mean, around the clock yesterday. He might have posted 200 times. Are you serious on Instagram? Oh, I wasn't aware.

I didn't I didn't know it was the extent of his upset. And I really didn't know that. That's just the feed. And then he's doing lives and he's doing. I mean, he is. He's he's. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's spiraling.

Good afternoon and welcome to Lucifer's lay. I'm your host, Robert Paul Champagne, hard rock, Bob, ready to do anything you want to do at twenty three, ninety five. Wagon house. One twenty one. The first Avenue East Harlem. Yeah, I knew that. So I was saying I'm bad mouthing that Segora and Potter and Dr. Drew.

Well, I'm doing not. I wish you were in the crosshairs. Yeah, it's interesting. I'm exempt from this. And I think it's because woman to woman, he, you know, and I mean, we're ladies, so we like to women don't fight that way. I got no, I'm serious. Like it's they're out.

We're allies, women and gay men are allies. So I don't think he sees me as one of the bad mouth. Me when I was up with my home to somebody and I said to Dr. George, quote, it's not the best shape because I really don't plan to stay here for all my life. I wish I wish he opened up his ears and listen to people, but he didn't open up. He hasn't listened. OK.

So that's for Potter. Potter didn't open his dumb fucking ears, you know, probably his shoulder hair growing into his ears. Probably. Maybe we could just kind of hardcore throw Josh under the bus. Wait, why does he not think that Josh, you know, because I think we just mean Josh has also been on Drew and they've had discussions about it as well. I think Robert probably listened to that and they, you know, discussed maybe the state

of his apartment. And what Robert's saying here is that he made it clear to Josh right that obviously this is just temporary arrangement. Well, and these are antiques that he inherited from his mother. And I like as someone that when my mother passed, yeah, we did. You do inherit that person's belongings and it can tend to fill up your own space until you kind of emotionally are ready to whittle those things out. So I really, I sympathize for him.

It's tough to get rid of stuff from somebody you really loved to. Yeah. Oh, and by the way, your mom's house did not make me a star, as you claim. I was popular in Coney Island. I was popular when Broadway was 70s, the 80s, the 90s, OK. That makes sense. OK. I was very popular.

This goes for 54. And I knew, I knew Cher, I knew Liza Minnelli, and Paul, all these celebrities were around. So I was very popular. Which is true. I mean, you know that. Dr. Drew was analyzing me. I was analyzing him. Oh.

No. Dr. I'm not lonely. I'm not desperate. I'm not unhappy. I'm not looking for something that's not out there. So don't go say Tom's such a great guy, and he gave this. And the computer he gave, and anything, I took the phone that they gave. I traded it for a brand new phone.

I took the computer, got rid of that. When I went from a Cyrus radio, from Howard Stern personally, got rid of the T-shirt. I got the aura came out, because he said, Howard Stern's like, the aura, get rid of the aura. Now, wait a minute. Now that's not fair, because we gave him a brand new iPhone. Did we not? Brand spanking new.

Yeah, we did. And the computer too, Tommy, we gave him a brand new. Yeah, we got him, I think we got him a Dell. Yeah. Yeah, because we knew that's what he liked to work on. Right, something that was easy to work on that you could figure out and stuff. Yeah, because he was also, he didn't know how to use the app on the phone. Right, I think he went through the browser and did it that way.

That's why the picture was so, so bad before. But that isn't fair to say that he had to return the phone for a new one when we gave him a new phone. And a new computer. Yes. And then there's an erosus, it just really hurt. Yeah, to answer your question, people, don't think that they're so great and they love you.

They like to poke fun. It was said to me, I thought they were great, somebody e-mailed me, Tom, and then like to make jokes of people. Yeah. Well, I wouldn't be seeing what Tom, he does need to get some weight. Oh boy. He needs a hair job. Hair job.

What? That cuts. Now that cuts deep. That cuts real deep. And I could just get a do rag and I don't have to get a fucking hair job. Yeah. Well, wait a minute. What's RPC's hair, Sitch?

I don't know. McCall. He's got good hair. He's got good hair. Let's just say it. He has beautiful hair. Josh is okay if he cleaned us up and looked like a human being. Maybe he would get somebody, get all that crap off of him, and maybe he got better glasses

and, you know, but those glasses, Dr. Drew has a small head, big body, too much. And he does not look good. I don't think Dr. Drew is sexy. I'm very sorry. I really don't. Wow. First of all, I believe Josh's glasses are for medical purposes. No, that is a fully, that is a fashion choice.

Oh, and I think they look great. And I think Josh looks great. And I think Dr. Drew is very handsome. And I don't think his head is smaller than his body at all. I think Dr. Drew is very handsome. I think Dr. Drew looks like he's got a peanut on his shoulders. Oh my gosh. With you.

No. I'm with you, Robert. And I think Josh doesn't look like a human being. And I've already talked to a hair transplant doctor, and I'm on a diet. But if you don't think Tom is great, and Josh is great, and Dr. Drew is great, Pazinsky, you could have him. I moved on. I mean, I love everybody out there.

You want to talk and talk. But hey, I moved on. So I'm going to be back with later on, make some coffee, and we'll chit chat, and I love you all. And don't be fooled by a woof in sheep clothes, and that's your mom's house. Oh, it is a do-rag. Just confirmed it's a do-rag. He moved his, he turned his head, and I saw the boot depart.

Yeah. He's very upset with us. It was not a swim cap. Geez. Now, look, I think we should at least make the effort. Let me just try to give him a call. All right. Sure, he seems pretty heated.

I know. I'm afraid to talk to him. I do not like confrontation like this. Let's see if he even answers, you know? Why do you think he's, is it because somebody, people are emailing him? They must, people must be saying something to him, yeah. Yeah, that's fine. I mean.

Because he, this stuff's been, we've been talking about him for years. Is this wrong and correct? Yeah, I know. It's like, what is this? Why now? What is this? Why now? Why is he fired up now?

Somebody's been getting into him, messing with his mind. Yeah, I know. And it's like, all I want to do is let him know that, you know. We have nothing but love. Yeah. Of course. I'm a huge fan. Huge.

Huge fan. Hello? Robert. Yep. Look, man, I know you're upset. I just wanted to let you know that it really hurts me that you're upset with me. It's Tom. How's that talking?

I just got up, please. You got what? What? I just got up. You just got up? Oh, okay. Okay, yeah. I mean, I just, look, man, I just saw that you were really upset and I just wanted to

let you know that, you know, I never meant to hurt your feelings or anything. I'm really sorry that you're upset. I think you're wonderful. Obviously, a very handsome man. I told people to interview. Don't mind the house. We don't care much about it. I want to get the hell out of it because it's not my place.

I'm not too happy with it. I want to let a lot go. Would you accept if you want me to send somebody like a professional mover cleaner to the house? I did my own cleaner already, sort of already, because I took a few things already. Okay. I mean, if you want, I would be happy to pay for somebody if you want to assist you in cleaning up. I realize...

No. I cleaned a few things up already and then that's enough to do. Okay. Slowly, I'm cleaning up. I feel a lot of crap out. Okay. Well, look, man, it upset me to hear you so upset and I'm sorry that we do make a lot of jokes and it's always been what we've done, but we've always been...

I don't find Dr. Drew funny. If he wants to analyze somebody, don't get a patient. I don't need a psychiatrist. Right. Right. And he's not qualified. You know, I was thinking about hurting him. I was going to punch him the other day, so maybe I'll do that soon.

Well, right now, I've got to do things that have a lot to do, but I've got some YouTube to do and I've got to get some new ones. I've got to get too many old ones. I've got to get rid of them. Yeah. Well, look, man, I really didn't... I never wanted to upset you and I know that I see that you're hurt by, I think, the way that maybe your apartment was spoke of and I'm sorry that that's what the conversation

was. I totally respect that that's your space and that you're not going to be there long. And I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan. I'm sorry that it came across that way. Okay. I've got to do things. Okay. All right, Robert.

Well, we love you and you're right. I'm on a diet. You're right. But Robert, I sense you're still upset. Hi. Yeah. And I... Is it...

How did this upset start? What prompted this? Well, when I heard Josh lie a lot, because I'd be polite, I'd say, well, don't mind the place. I didn't... I just said I'm not... I should not care for it no more. Then we got to...

When I had... I was just a person... Oh, God. I don't know if someone's the idiot to have my life. I'm trying to recall now. Then we had Mr. Paul Brazil, which would try to be polite. I couldn't take it. Now there's no...

Somebody died upstairs. I didn't know they died. I was getting flies. The person died. Oh. The man. Yep. Yep.

And I had a leak coming from the bathroom. I said, don't go in the bathroom, because the man was dead there from age over a month or a couple of months. Who knew? Yep. Wait. Somebody had died of AIDS in their bathroom, and there was a leak, and that's why the place had flies, and then people mistakenly thought it was because of the state of Robert's apartment

when really it was the neighbor's apartment. Is that right? Yeah. Then I had it all... Okay. Then I took care of it. The time Dr. Drew came, he sees flies in the kitchen, there are no flies in the kitchen. They might take the cover, because I can't eat that many cakes, I'm going to die now.

I keep so much food, because I'm trying to get flimps of summertime coming, because I have to perform a colony. I'm going to have to make sure I don't eat a lot. Right. Right, right, right. Well, first of all, I'm going to say in the video I saw of you, you look great. You're not wearing anything, and you're definitely on your way. You look great.

Also, Drew might need a new pair of Josh's glasses, because if you're saying he was seeing things that weren't there, don't forget he's older, and he's kind of, I mean, like his eyes might be fucked up, too. Well, Dr. Drew had too much to do, if he thinks he's so sexy, he's really nuts. He didn't turn me on, not turned out like anybody, because to me, I've seen people that have got to put it in a nice way. I'm not celebrity crazy. I'm not star crazy.

Yeah. I've done what some people like to make. They're in the same business. Yep. Yeah, no, I know. I know, man. Look, I sense that you're upset. I just wanted to let you know that it's always come from a place of us loving you, and I know

that there's these little things that you saw or heard that weren't clear, but I want to make it right. We really do. I'd love to make it right with you. But just let me know how we can make it right. Well, like I said, I don't spend a day here. At top of it now, the management and the whole building, and now they complain to the building here, the whole, every floor, they're not mapping the floors anymore, and they're getting

very lazy, so I don't want to stay here, they're doing the things that get lazy. Can we help relocate you? I want to get an apartment out of here, quick, quick as I can before I get somewhere. Right. Can I help you? I don't know how I'm going to do it. Well, I mean. Why?

Why? Because of the, because of your, you have a lot of stuff. And I have a lot of stuff in the rents, low, and it's a long story, okay? Okay. Well, we'd love to help in any way we can. Yeah, I really would. I don't know what I'm going to do, so I'm going to put my life together right now. So let us, let us try to help you, man.

I am trying to, I already advertised for agents, and I don't know if I'm going to call for agents, it's going to be a miracle, and I said what I want the agent to do, so if you can happen, the agent ever shows up. Who knows? Hmm. Okay. Well. I mean, if you would be open to it, we'd be more than happy to send somebody to assess

your situation. He needs help with his belongings, he's cluttering, yeah, he needs like a mover. I can, we could find somebody that specializes exactly in what you're talking about. Like, if you would allow that to happen, you know, we'd be more than happy to take care of that for you. I have to wait and see what happens right now, because right now, I'm in the middle of crazy stuff right now. Okay.

And by the way, are you doing, are you getting a talk show? I am trying to get a talk show. On TV. I'm trying to get one on cable, not to keep cable, you have a cable. On cable, okay. What's the talk show? I'm trying to get one. You've been talking to somebody in Coney Island.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, how about this, Ben? We'll reach back out in a few weeks. I again apologize for anything that was offensive to you. We remain big fans. I'm going to see a hair transplant doctor later today, and I will talk to you soon and

hopefully, you know, we can patch things up, but I just wanted to let you know that we love you. We're big fans. I hope you forgive us. And you know, maybe you can let us know if you want any help with relocating anything like that. All right. Now it's done.

I'm just going to try to get some coffee, and I got to get back to my YouTube. The guy's saying some new stuff, but I got boring material on us getting boring. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. All right. Bye.

You know, I just, I'm glad we reached out, but I still sense that we're not totally good with him. No, I know, but sometimes when someone's upset with you, you let them know, and then you kind of go like, all right, let him marinate on it and do a couple more YouTube. He said he just woke up. It's around 1.30, 1.40 p.m. at East Coast time, so he must be up very late doing his stuff and he slept in and, well, yeah, it's fine. Well, we'll see.

This is very exciting. Yeah. So if you saw when I was in the UK, these two guys, two blokes, mates of mine, Geeky Blinders are their name. They hand-painted, take it down, psycho shoes with my image. They're called trainers. Okay. Trainers over there.

They're from the UK. Yeah. And these things, people flip for them. Anyway, these guys made a limited production of that shoe, and it is now in the store. So if you go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, there's images of it right now on your screen. Can you page through to the right there where that arrow is? Yeah.

You can see, like, these guys hand-painted these. Amazing. They're pretty cool, man. It says psycho on them. They're covered in, like, red paint that also kind of looks like blood, and, of course, it says take it down. It has my face, like I said. It's amazing.

They gave me a pair, and now they're offering a limited run in my store. Yeah. They're not cheap. So just so you know, when you make, when you hand-paint shoes, they're not cheap. So I know someone's going to be like, what? I thought they would be $8. No, they're not. So if you want them, they're in the store.

They're not going to make any more. They're pretty cool if you like, collecting sneakers, trainers, and whatnot. So geeky blinders, thanks so much. I hope you guys like them in the store now. Another thing. What a great lane you found, by the way, as the serial killer comedian. What a special thing. Do you really like that now that people are identifying you as a psychopathic comic?

No, not really. No. I think, you know, the way I, in my mind, is because I watch all those shows and everything, but I'm not, I'm not, you know, an actual serial killer. Not yet. Eyes are on you, though. Eyes are on you. Can I tell you something I heard, by the way, on my travels?

Thank you, everybody who came to my shows, and Austin is so amazed. I met so many fans because I'm kind of a personality champ, but I bought at the airport in Austin a special pen that requires ink cartridges so like I can keep this pen for a long time. Yeah, yeah. And the sales lady, when she gave it to me, she goes, oh, oh, don't forget, you have to order new cartilages every time you need more ink, an ink cartilage. Yeah.

You like that? Yeah. I've never heard an ink cartilage before. Cartilage. That's a new one. So I wrote it down. Cartilage when you need it, and if you tear the cartilage in your ink, then you got to get it repaired.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of serial killers. What'd you take? Oh, man. When you're feathering it, brother, you got to get a good drip on it. Okay. So you're going to feather that shit? I've been thinking about him all weekend, too.

Everybody has. You know, like, my friends have been messaging me about Charles, but I have had nothing but a fed smoker on my mind. Feathering it, brother. I turned off you on Netflix to watch fed smoker videos. Which by the way, you second season is unbelievable. Sarah Gamble came in and did our show a while back. Look it up.

If you want to see that interview. God damn it. It is so good. It is really hard, too. Like, you know, if you watch season one, you go, this is a great show. I mean, it really is a great, entertaining show. Season two just leaps and bounds more, more entertaining, more captivating. I just salute her and that whole production, the whole cast so much.

It's really a fantastic show. So did you know that at one point, not now, if that smoker was a homeowner? No. Yeah. I would never have guessed. Yes. Now. How long ago?

Well. If you're not a scurvy ass bitch with a dirty twat, you have a good opportunity of coming here to live and clean this house. If you're not a scurvy ass bitch with a dirty twat, he's giving you the opportunity to live in his house if you clean it. He's like a pirate. All your inquiries and information on this site, if you're not scurvy and your twat smells like roses, give me a holler.

Got a nice bike. That is a nice bike. It's got a water canteen. Do you, how many offers do you think he got for a roommate? I think the whole thing is his approach, isn't right for getting the cool maid to move in because I think most people who are like, I'm dead would be like, hmm, I'm kind of scurvy and my twat does smell a little bit. Scurvy.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't even want to fuck you, I find my own bitches, I need the house cleaner. Wow. So you can see the, the, the degeneration, you know, like this is the beginnings of his decline and then by the time he's lighting his hair on fire. He was just offering. You have a good opportunity.

It's a good opportunity. What's, what the clench, what do you think the clenching is, is just, he's so. He's just fired up. Cade up. Yeah. He's just fired up, man. I don't even want to fuck you. Could you imagine this guy being your roommate?

Whoa. Imagine going to college and they're like, who's are you paired up with? This is your roommate. I've had some sketchy roommates. Have you? Yeah. Well, you live in San Francisco. Oh, crazy.

That's headquarters for sketchy roommates. I had a guy roommate one time, I lived with three of my friends and this guy, we rented our smallest room out to his, he broke his glass window and his bed was right next to the window and it's San Francisco. So it rains constantly, didn't fix the window for months and just let it rain onto his bed and then he would bring his plates of food into his room like macaroni, cheese. Where did you meet this fucking maniac? I think we put, I forget, maybe like an ad on the campus, you know, back in the day,

there was no internet. You just put like a boat. A boat thing. And he was a student? I think so. You think so? I can't remember. How do you not remember that?

This is 20 years ago, babe. So? You don't know he was a student? Let me ask Shauna because she'll remember this lunatic and this guy would keep the plates of food in his room just for months and not bring him out. He took one time a carton of milk and just left it in his room until it had become curdled. Really wild and he would just never come out. I had my drug dealer as my roommate once when I was in college.

You never live with drug dealers. That's a bad one. Yeah. And then when I went to abroad, my roommates hired, had his, the drug dealer's roommate move into my room. Oh boy. He got shot the next semester. Whoops.

Yeah. On accident. He shot himself in the leg. In the leg. In the leg. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah, roommates are always bad news.

They're good friends. And in that case, if they are good friends, you won't be friends with them after your roommate. That's right. That's a thing. It destroys your friendships. It's really hard to find somebody good to have a roommate. I was a roommate with my cousin, Brian.

That one kind of worked out. I know, but it was deteriorating and starts to wear on you. It can screw up any good relationship. Start the ass bitch with a dirty twat. Yikes. The key is. It's my fucking flyer looking for a roommate. The ideal roommate is where you're cordial.

You keep the common areas clean and you don't have to really talk to them. Yeah. Where you feel like you can just go in your room and shut the door and not make a check check. Not have to socialize. Yeah. And also it helps if. Twat smells like roses.

Smells like a nice smell in twat. You know? Yeah. I wonder why he's not interested in a guy. Even though he specifies, he specifies, he's like, I get my own date so I don't need you to be my date. But I think he does because he's not asking for guys. That's right.

Yeah. I mean. No, he wants. Well, I don't think he thinks that a man can clean. Yeah. That is a lady's job. Yeah. Scurvy.

Scurvy as a bitch. Stinky pussies. Everyone's obsessed with stinky pussies in these videos. Yeah. So. Oh, let's have a fucking drink real quick. Let's get ripped, bro. This screwball.

It's good stuff. I haven't had whiskey in so long. Peanut butter whiskey. What? I'm excited. Dang. Who's the third cup for? Potter.

You want to try that? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Shua. Let's see here. Ready, Freddie?

It's peanut butter? Peanut butter whiskey. We have ice cubes in here. Mm-hmm. What? Where did we get this? This is cool. Cheers.

Cheers, mommy. Thank you, screwball. Is that what I'm saying? Thank you. Yes, screwball. Peanut butter whiskey. Here we go. It tastes like a candy bar.

It doesn't even have, like, a whiskey taste. What the fuck? That is so good. It really, it legit tastes like a candy bar in a cup. This is dangerous. I'm going to drink a lot of it. Guess who's getting ripped in half today? It's so good.

Holy cow. Wow. How do they make this? I don't know. What? What's in this? It's just good for you. That's the thing about peanut butter whiskey is that you drink it, you stay strong.

And it's delicious. It's so good. Whiskey's usually not very tasty. This is the first tasty whiskey I've ever had. It smells like peanut butter. Yeah. Smell it. No, it's so good.

It's like a candy bar. Unreal. Oh my God. Who we have this week? Robert Heinz? Yeah, Robert Heinz coming up. Robert Heinz coming up. This blew my mind.

Robert Heinz, I only knew as we get in, we'll get into it here as the, the famous, the Toby Jones character from his famous viral videos, but the dude was hilarious, fascinating, had amazing stories about being a prison guard, a jail guard. And you know us. If there's one thing we love. It's jail stories. Yeah. Yeah.

To take us out here, I have a song, an original song. I have it right here. It's by Tony Welter. Oh yeah. Okay. Sorry. I forgot. We should do our dates first.

I can't get over this whiskey. I do not like whiskey. I know. It's amazing. And this is so good. It's amazing. It's called screwball. I know.

Cristina's big tits are back on tour. Thank you. Costier show, man. Thanks, Charles. Well, let's get into it, January 30th through February 1st. I'm in Poston, Texas at the Houston Improv, February 14th through 15th. Tamp on Florida at the tampon. Am I getting my drops?

Oh, sorry. Bert is fat and racist. February 28th through 29th, Manfran Disco, California at Cobb's Comedy Club. March 7th, Pasadena at the Ice House. Oh, my fucking foot. March 13th and 14th, Dural, Florida at the Miami Improv. Oh, I'm about to throw up. March 26th through 29th, Fallis, Texas at the Addison Improv.

F-A-R-T. April 3rd and 4th, Jewdork titties at Caroline's. Your dick had become so sensitive. Ugh. Hang on. He says sensitive. April 24th and 25th, Des Moines, Iowa at the Des Moines Funny Bone. I turn it to a telescope.

And then June 12th and 13th, Fartnix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. I know I want to have a monologue. I'm not sure. I want to have the dialogue. And then I've just added San Antonio, Texas, July 9th through 11th at the LOL Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club. Tickets at Christina P. Online. Do you know what I'm saying?

Do you know what I'm saying? Well, also, don't forget, if you are not yet doing it, subscribe to our channel on YouTube. Subscribe to my channel, Tom Segura on YouTube, posting original content. I'm also doing the shows in Spanish. So here I start doing shows in Spanish very soon. February 5th, I start in Ontario, California. Next week, February 13th, I'm in Leavity Live in Oxnard. The next time I do it is the following week, February 20th in Tempe, Arizona.

Then I am in Las Vegas, March 6th and 7th at the Mirage, the Terry Feitor Theater. That is at the Mirage in Las Vegas. Dayton Funny Bone has a few tickets left in March, I believe. Or maybe not. It's all sold out now. April 9th and 10th, there's still some tickets left in Brea. The rest of the shows there are gone. I just added Harris in Valley Center, California, Harris Resort.

That is near San Diego. That'll be April 18th. And from then, I go back to Spanish shows, the 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd all in Texas. Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio. I go back to the Mirage in May. And then I'm in West Palm Beach in June in Miami, also doing a Spanish show. But the West Palm Beach shows are English speaking. I am really enjoying doing the Spanish stuff.

I'm doing the podcast in Spanish called Tom Segura in Español and doing these shows. It's a lot of fun. I did one last week with Jesus Trejo, Francisco Ramos, Fabrizio Copano here in Burbank. It's a lot of fun. I really enjoy doing it. So, of course, a big reminder to the great Enny here in the production studio. Enny, you really need to take a shit. I know you're black and you guys do your own thing, but you still have to shit.

Just a reminder. I'm already ripped from this stuff, man. It's really great. And I understand people should drink. You should do it all day. This is fucking like candy. I know. It's so good.

So, Fart Simpson made an RPC song. So, we'll go out on that. I hope you enjoy it. Enjoy Robert Hines. Okay. A keg. A keg? All right.

Let's see if I can get it to play one second. I bought something out. They want to be bought out. But didn't have to order that. It's falling apart, this date and want to fix it to the lazy and want to do it. Oh, come on now. I didn't care for any new game. It's too flashy.

Too let's see. Too let me dovey. Yeah. Ready for the hard causes. That that that red flag. That that that that red flag. Struck like dick, man. Fuckin' naked, man.

Yeah. They call upon okay. Let me smoke the cars. Okay. My mother, when I was a teen, used to sit and read important books to me. We had fun. Way to go, RPC. We're proud of you, man.

That was awesome. Please put up more videos like that. I mean, look, I have to tell you, though, his videos have gotten better. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, baby. Oh, I can't. Oh. The horniness is at a fever pitch. And he can't take it anymore.

He's now he's resorted to just ejaculating in front of people because he can't take his horniness. Yeah, I totally get it. He's pleaded. He's begged. He's put it out there. And now he's just going to masturbate in front of you. Yep.

That's what I'm talking about. We're back. We have a great guest with us today. Thank you very much for joining us, Robert Hines. It's been a while. We've been building up to get you in here. Thank you very much for coming. Man, thank you for having me.

Yeah. Thank you, man. For people who don't know, because I remember I just want to get it out of the way to get it. I remember seeing a video that you made that went extremely viral a number of years ago. And I think the great like there's there's different types of comedy videos. One of the ones that's the most fun is when you don't know, is this real or is it a bit? And as outrageous as it might seem to people, because it is an outrageous video, I watched

this and I was like, this is a real place. It was Jones Barbecue and Foot Massage and like so because there is like some it has a very like small town commercial feel. There is some there is some production value to it, but not over the top where you like it's sexy and and it looks like but it looks like commercials you see like when you do the road and you're in a you know, I mean, like that's why when you watch it, you're like, what the fuck? This guy has a barbecue and foot massage place.

So like this thing when it has million over 15 million views on the original and millions more on all the, you know, copies that were posted. What? Like what went into this? Well, okay. Well, here's it. First of all, that's the second of the first three videos made three. There's three of them.

The first one was called and this one when this was the first one to go viral. It was crazy. It was called Jones big ass truck rental and storage facility. Okay. The second one was this one, Jones, good ass barbecue and foot massage. And the third one was called Jones, cheap ass prepaid legal and daycare Academy. Oh my life. So what happened was there was a group of this group of young guys who were like, um,

they were sketch comedians. They were called big dog each child. Okay. And the two brothers from that group were called Romero and Pedro Castro. So I was doing stand up all around the city of Chicago and everywhere. I like, I would work in a phone booth if you call me, I don't care where I work. And so they saw me in this coffee house and it's like, look, we got this character that we cannot seem to make work.

Um, and we would like for you to play the character. And it was this Toby Jones cat. Now here's the thing. Chicago's got a lot of, um, broke ass entrepreneurs. I know that all they have is their ability to try to get you to do shit. Right. This is called the game, right? So cats got game and nothing else.

Well, this is like, I like that this is a Chicago problem. Man, if you go in Chicago right now, there's part of Chicago that's wonderful, like architecture and shit. And it's another part where they don't make you fuck about nobody there. And you just out there like thunder don't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And so this particular commercial is based on some commercials from a store that's now defunct called Moo and Oink. Okay. And there will be this dude with a big ass plastic bag of chicken wings and shit looking like he was the happiest motherfucking in the world to stuff chicken wings in a bag. We got baby, baby, baby spare ribs. You know, he's just happy. Uh-huh.

And that was genuine. That was real. Real commercial. Right. We need to make a commercial based on that. Can we find that? Can you Google that? Do you think it exists somewhere?

It's still around some. I guarantee. What's it called? What's it called? Moo and Oink. Moo and Oink. M-O-O and Oink. This is what's amazing about your portrayal of that character.

Oh, shoot. There it is. Is that Moo and Oink right there? That's Moo and Oink. Yeah. Hilarious. Yeah. Yeah.

Deep hot links and more to give. Cube steaks hot dogs. Real tips. All right. And he's so stoked to be like packing bags or something. And it was always cold and like the store didn't have, there was no difference when, what the meat locker was like and what the store was like. Yeah, the store was a meat locker.

Absolutely. I would tell when somebody had a summer job working there, not only did they smell like smoked meat, but they had on real heavy coats in the summertime. In the summertime. You going to work at Moo and Oink. But what's so fabulous about your portrayal of that character is that you give it just enough oomph to be real, but not so much that you can tell that you're a comedian trying to sell it.

Because that's really the key. It's really on the line. Yeah. Thank you. It seems like you're an enthusiastic barbecue flip massager and like I totally, completely, I bought it then. You know, I mean, I've played that. I remember saying that to people and then then being like, where is this place?

Like, but here's the thing. So because we all, especially like you did this how long ago, years ago, 10 years ago. So we all like, I remember doing this anti diarrhea parody commercial, you know, like more like 15 plus years ago and like people, you know, like you're saying can't come up to you with their game and then there's no exchange. I shot a couple of things like this that like, you know, got a fucking thousand views. So what when you're making it, you're like, this is fun. We're having fun doing this, right?

It's obviously a funny idea, but there's no way you expect it to go crazy. Right? Not the, especially not the first one. Was it immediate? The second one was, was pretty quick because the first one had already paved the way. It did. And people didn't know that there was no such thing as big ass storage facility. Right.

And so they were buying that it was really other thing that took it over the top was that it was a phone number that did they set up a set up a one of those back then you had those burner phones and had a burner phone and it was pressure on my marriage because the phone wouldn't stop goddamn ringing and my wife was like, I stopped it with this silly shit. Hang up. My wife's a hoochie. You know, she wears tight shit.

She's very aggressive. I did this. You know, I can't be in a relationship with regular person. Right. I'm a comic. I'm mentally fucked up. Right. I need somebody to say, Hey, stop bullshitting and do the shit I'm telling you to do because

I'm out there bad. You know what I'm saying? So my wife is like, all right, we didn't have enough phone phones, a little phone shit. You need to get him that goddamn phone. So you were answering all the calls. I was answering every call. And you answered the big ass storage. Yes.

Your kid. And then they were like, I'm looking for Jones in the process. How can I help you? So you're having fun and people are calling with all type of strange request. This one little girl called and asked us if she could store her geometry teacher. I'm like, Hey, no questions asked. You bring that bitch. Put her away.

That is so amazing. But I really loved that's like true comedy, man. It's true comedy. You know, commitment when and also there's there's the only payoff is just the fun of it. Just here. You're not not getting anything out of it. Really.

Like I remember, do you know Brendan Walsh? I do. Brendan Walsh will go so far for a bit and like he's done a few things. He's talked about them publicly, so I feel like we can talk about them like when a circuit city in Silver Lake shut down, he had a sign made for like Whole Foods coming and just hung it up there. So excited. People were like, we had a whole thing this year.

And then everyone was like, when is it coming? And then people like, Oh no, this is fake. And they got so upset. Then there was a gay bar in Silver Lake that closed and he put up Silver Lake Gun Club, which for people that don't know, Silver Lake is a super liberal liberal East side, you know, part of town. And then he set up a website that was the shittiest HTML website with like an eagle just like going like this.

And then it was like Silver Lake Gun Club coming soon and he set up a phone number. So people would call and to protest. I don't want he's like, well, this is America and we have the right to do it. Like, go fuck yourself. And he just entertained himself talking to upset people for just for his own amusement. When you hear people talk about the people with the toast with the with the green shit on it. Uh-huh.

Oh, avocado toast. Yeah. They're talking about silver. That's right. Yes. That is a good way to describe it. That is a good way to describe it. Yes.

It is is avocado toast. 365. That's what's going on. It's Silver Lake. Yeah. Hemp bags. Hemp. Nonsense.

A lot of trucker hats. Mesh bag. Cats. Yeah. Ironic. Believe me, this supreme hat that you said was not counterfeit and it is living a red mark on my forehead. Is this real or not?

I got it straight. You know what? It's because I got it straight off the conveyor belt at the factory. He just got back from China. Oh, wow. Yeah. And so they probably just didn't like spray it off with the sealant. But this is real.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course it's real. Come on, Tom. I wouldn't do you like that. All right. All right. So you saw us getting squirted on the feet.

Oh my God. That shit was disgusting. Okay. So in each one of these videos, there's a moment where they're asking me to do some shit that I'm just not going to do. So I have to figure out a way to make it funny without offending anybody. Right. Like in the first video, there's a time where I'm standing in front of an old ass firebird.

And then I get in the car. I'm like, fuck you. I'm not getting. It was teetops and it'd been raining in the car. It's all rusty and shit. I'm going to catch some shit if I sit in it. So I just say, well, just roll the camera. And they started rolling the camera and I come up with something to keep me from having

to get in the car. Well, at this point, these people had, these guys, these are young cats who really not paying attention to much. Right. They had put a bunch of shit in a bottle that required refrigeration. And this shit had been out all night and all day. So when I put squirt, it smells like death warmed over. And then they want me to rub it and feel like, oh God damn.

I'm like, okay, cut. Like they, I had to stop it before it got too far because I was about to vomit. I'm like, this shit is horrible. Like why don't y'all put the shit in the refrigerator? Yeah, why? Yeah, it's not that hard. But that's just guerrilla filmmaking. Absolutely.

And it was actually shot in a place that's no longer open. It was, there's a very popular chicken joint in Chicago called Harold's Chicken. Now the logo for Harold's is a dude with an axe chasing a chicken. That's the whole, that's the, that's the logo for it. And this place was closed and we couldn't get in the tape the first day. So that was why we were standing out in front of it doing the little dance thing. Oh, there it is. Because they had it.

Yeah, that man, that shit is amazing. I mean, it ain't good for you. It looks so good. That shit, that's on it. That red shit, that's called mild sauce. That's mild sauce. Mild sauce in Chicago is like blood. Yeah.

You dig, everybody wants mild sauce. And according to the type of restaurant it is, the mild sauce could be sweeter. Or more mustard. Uh huh. Dude, hot chicken sounds good today. I know, it looks really good. I want hot chicken. Me too.

Fuck. I know. This is why I never lose weight. Someone showed me a picture of something and I'm like, I should get that. I got it. I need that. I need that in me. I was that.

You know what? I like to talk and eat. I used to weigh 322 pounds. How'd you drop it? What? I was unhealthy. Yeah. I wanted to keep living.

I was making a little bit of money. I was like, shit, I don't want to die while I got something. Yeah. I don't want to die when I've lost it all. Yeah. Which is what my plan is. I'm going to make a lot of money and lose it all and be like, fuck it. I ain't leaving nobody.

Shit. And what I did was the first thing I did, I just started only eating protein, vegetables and fruit. Good for you, man. And I lost about 60 pounds doing that. Wow. And then the last 40 pounds I just recently lost, I just became a vegan. You did?

I did. It's hard as fuck. I'm like in the vegan reserves, you know, I'm like part-time vegan. Okay. If I go back to Chicago and my mother baked the cake, I'm going to eat fucking cake. I just already know that, so I'm sort of vegan. But that means most of the time, though, you're eating really healthy. Vegetables and...

What do you eat for breakfast? In the morning time, I eat grits and some sort of fake meat, like that sausage that doesn't have any meat in it. Right, right. No, it's made from tofu. Yeah. And fruit? Yeah, all the time.

Fruit? All the time. I love fruit. I eat tons of grapes, like a lot, like an unholy amount of grits. Now, you gotta be careful what that fruit intake, though, Dean Delray. That's right. He lost a ton of weight and he was just drinking fruit. I'm sure this is public knowledge.

I think he's talked about it. Yeah, yeah. I should hope so. But anyway, he's drinking a lot of fruit, lost a lot of weight and ended up almost becoming diabetic. No, I think he did. Or he became diabetic? Yeah, he did.

He gave himself type 2 diabetes and he was like, he's eating all this fruit, man, drinking juices all day. He got fucking... When you drink that sugary juice, though, that's the issue, because that's a lot of different fruits and then, yeah. And it's full of sugar. And it's refined sugar, so that's a little harder on you. But yeah, I like for lunch, I eat a lot of...

My wife and I have... Because my wife really is not a vegan, she's just hanging out. Does Gucci? Yeah, my Gucci is not a vegan, she's just hanging out. And so she'll be like, you know what, you need to eat more salad and she'll monitor the shit up. You know what I'm saying? Somebody love you enough to be like, you know, you don't have enough sugar today.

And I'm like, but I want more, you know what I mean? I'm not, because I do dig sugar. She's like, nah, you don't have enough sugar for the day and I'm like, okay, I'll... That's good, man. If you're trying to keep me alive, I need to listen to you. You eat salads for lunch. A lot of salad. And I like soup.

Soup's great, yeah. But I like also... You were 320? 322 pounds. When you see me as Toby Jones, 315-16 pounds. Oh, wow. Good for you. Congratulations.

Yeah, man. It was great. Thank you. Massive. That's huge. So I'm like, I don't judge space correctly anymore. I'm like, shit, I don't feel more space than that. Isn't it weird though?

Because I've lost weight where you realize that like people stop saying big man, but what's up big fella? You're always like, I'm a big guy. And then when they stop, you're like, hey, how come no one's calling me big man? And then you know, like as soon as you gain weight, you start here like, hey, the big guy, you're like, oh, fuck. I'm right back where I started. Fucking 25 pounds.

Everyone's like, oh, big boys here. People start going like, as soon as you're like, you're real big, people go, they go, he wants to eat. And they'll, some people will be eating and they'll go, we know you want something. You're like, what? And they're like, you definitely want something. You're like, why? And they're like, because you're fat.

You're like, oh, I guess. Yeah, I guess. I guess I've shown my work. Yeah. But here's the thing. Like I would go to buffets and I would, I would go a buffet by myself and I'd be sitting there and I'm looking at the other fat people like, why y'all bullshitting? Yeah.

Like I hate to see a fat person with salad on his plate. I know. You didn't get that size meat and salad. Right. Yeah. All things, all sweating. Just do it. Yeah, just do it.

I'm going to the buffet. I'm kicking the door open like I'm the police. Yeah. What's your favorite buffet? What's your favorite? Yeah. Man, I was really into that old country town buffet. Country town buffet.

It's got everything. Yeah. Yeah. It's got gravy. It's got all the major shit that you know. I like that one. I like a sizzler buffet too. Sizzler's awesome.

Yeah. Malibu chicken. Do you have a favorite food that you don't eat anymore since you've gone so healthy? Yeah. I really love pizza. Oh, fuck me too. Doesn't everybody? I love that shit.

You're a deep dish guy. Listen, Chicago has this. That's what you're famous for. Yeah. I like UNOS. UNOS had like a crust that felt sort of like cornbread. Not numeral UNO, just UNO. Just UNO.

And there's another joint called DUA. It's around the way. You talking about food is like a sober guy talking about what he used to do here. You're describing it where I like, I want to try it. We should go to Chicago and just hang out in that joint. It's so great. Now I will go there now and be looking like, give me a salad. I'm really disappointed.

Right. But the salads are great there too. It's just that, you know, nothing like that hot cheese. But don't you, like if someone said to you, I'll take 10 years off your life. But you'll be skinny and you can eat whatever you want. Like I would easily trade 10 years of my life to be able to eat everything I wanted all day. But you don't know how long your years are, right? You can choose which 10.

No, no. Which 10? Wait a minute. If this is the end. You can kick off at like, oh, that's true. Yeah. Well, let me think. Let me think.

Because here's what I'm saying. If someone was like, you are going to live to be 90, I'd be like, fuck that. I don't want to be 90. So I would ask like, sure, I'd make the deal to be 80. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. Yeah.

But if you're like, you're probably going to die at 62. I'd be like, maybe I should fucking write out my limited time, you know. But you have the perfect body. Yeah, that's true. That is a good trade-off. That's a good trade-off. And you can eat cheese pizza every day. Because you spend, you know what it is?

You spend so much time and energy in the pursuit of a better body. Yeah. Absolutely. And it consumes, I think about how much of my mind I've spent thinking about food and working out and how much I hate myself and my body. Like, oh, it adds up to like years. I've just sat in beds and in cars, just been like, you gotta fucking your body is shit. Fucking, you know what I mean?

Like, just like thinking to myself how much I hate. That's what I'm saying. Imagine if you just liked how you look when you woke up and you're like, I don't care. And people are like, what do you eat? And you're like, oh, I eat like fucking 14 eggs every morning. Yeah. Man, that is so profound. Because when I, I mean, I still ain't happy with myself.

I think a part of what makes me do stand-up is my total insecurity. Of course. And at the same time, when I'm on stage, I'm so confident. Right? So it's like a perfect bundle of bullshit to be so confident and so insecure that you feel like you got to make strangers happy. Yeah. That's so true.

I think all of us have that wiring. Every comment I know. I mean, I had this conversation yesterday with Diaz and Burt about how, you know, like how much insecurity we each feel. And I go, you know, it's funny. Like you always think of it as yourself and you look at the next comic and you're like, but he's not. This dude is killing it.

I love what he's doing. And you're like, he's not insecure. And then you talk to him and they're like, oh, I'm so insecure. Yeah, fucked up too. Well, to be in showbiz, you have to be. Yeah. I mean, this is such a horrible business. Yeah.

Nobody with self-esteem goes into showbiz. You kidding me? No. And then, and especially when you, when you like work in those weirder rooms. Yeah. Where a guy comes in and goes, hey, why you at it? Why don't you push the drink? Oh, no.

No. This ain't what I do. You better MC through that shit. Yeah. But before your comic, you worked as a jail guard. I was a correction officer. I was, I was. Okay.

So here's the thing. My family, my dad loves the concept. My dad actually is 90. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. He just stopped fighting in the street like 10 years ago. Right.

He came in the crib, a little tear in his eyes. Like, man, I believe this fighting shit didn't pass me by. I was like, you think? And he goes, well, I do have one good ass whooping left in me if you want it. And in his mind, it's nothing better than having a job. You know what I mean? And, and so at the time when I was in my early 20s, that's when I, when I was 21, I started doing comedy.

The first time I, when I, on my 21st birthday, I ran down to a comedy club because they wouldn't let me in when I was 17. Really? Yeah. And my dad hears about this comedy shit and he has no use for it at all. So my uncle tells me, now I'm doing stand up and I'm getting a lot of attention. Like I'm doing TV shows and shit and it's moving really well. Your dad's like, no.

No, fuck that. You need a job. So my uncle says, well, I can get him a job at the jail. And I go down there and they give me the job. And that's a big process you got to go through. I get the job. And the first thing. Is this like Cook County?

Cook County. The largest single site detention facility in the United States of America. A horrifying place. You would think, you would think. And I was afraid when I got there. But as I was there, this was during the time where the crime bill was in full effect. So the amount of people in the jail expanded drastically. And the buildings, they started building more buildings and shit.

And when I got there, it was really amazing. It was really funny. The training was scary as hell. It was like, you guys are no longer black. You're no longer white. You're now blue. And we are your family. And I believed that bullshit.

And I walked into the first living unit, like officers walk. And I opened up the door and I looked there. And I knew half the people on the tear. You did? I was like, I was wondering where the fuck y'all be? Because you know, there's no announcement when you go to jail. You just go. You just go.

I see you anymore. That's why you don't throw a party. No, it's just done. You right? But then once I got in there, they were doing some new shit in the building that I worked in. It's called Division 11. Brand new building. Look like a train station.

Yeah. And they were trying some new shit called direct contact, which is exactly what the fuck. It's just like we sit in here. You sit there with the inmates. There's no monitor area. You just sit in there. This is a new policy. Brand new building, brand new situation.

And so they would get mad at me. Like, officer has, you do not need to be in there with them inmates playing cards and dominoes and shit. And I was like, man, this is my cousin. Yeah. And it did actually happen. They're playing dominoes. They was like, why are you in there playing dominoes? I'm like, that's my cousin.

That's what you like to do. I'm here. You're doing direct contact, man. Man, I'm doing what you asked me. And in any of my areas that I worked in, there was never any fights and riots. What? Really? Never.

Because I'm in there fucking with them. Like we in there talking shit all day. I'm in there sitting and I could not. You know what was amazing? How generous these guys were. Really? Maximum security inmates do not play around. Either they're going to kill you or they're not.

And most of the time they're not. You know what I mean? So you go in there. The other thing that was really amazing. Wait, wait. Why won't they? Why won't they? Why won't they kill you maximum?

Because you got to be here every day. And if you do something to somebody, they're going to add more time to your time. That's another case you got to fight. So you got to really be angry. And then when you go in there and they be fighting, if they are actually fighting. When you open the door, they stop. Because they don't really want to fight. And fighting takes a lot of effort.

So they tired as hell waiting on you to get it. Would you come on? Hurry up. They want to quit. No, sorry. I interrupted you. And another thing. Well, not only were they generous to each other.

They're fairly generous to me. When I worked in the job, I was fairly depressed. Because I didn't want to be there. Just like everybody else. Yeah. So I would sleep a lot at work. So I'd be sleeping and somebody would come and knock on the desk. Because supervisors would come and get your black ass up.

Then people would come in. And this would be inmates. Inmates. Hilarious. And the other thing they would do, they would cook. Okay, so. I love prison. I love that.

You said Danny Brown, the Detroit based rapper, great guy, came in here. He told us about making food, cooking in jail. And he's like, I kind of missed some of those things. Man, some of that shit. Okay, so here's the thing. I wouldn't take anything from anybody. Not because I care about that. I just know they didn't have much.

Yeah. So I can go outside and get a sandwich. You dig? But I'm not. And there's all types of people. So there's always some slick dude, because they feel you nice enough. Well, actually to bring drugs. And they don't ask you directly, could you bring me some blood or bring me some cocaine.

What they ask you for is some salt. So you bring them some salt. Then they go ask you to bring something else. You bring some ketchup. And then they ask you, hey, since you brought me the salt and the ketchup, how about you bring me blah, blah. You be like, man, fuck that. Well, I still got the container from the salt. Oh.

So that's how they get you to do shit. But shit, I'm from the hood. I ain't bringing your punk ass shit. You know what I'm saying? We can sit here and kick it all day, but I'm not bringing you anything. Yeah. And so like the things that they would. Okay.

So if in a cell, there's two benches. Yeah. And there's a stainless steel table. And they give these guys milk all the time. So the milk works as like the burning part. So you light up the milk carton and it burns very slowly. You put it under the table and now the table is the griddle. Yeah.

Genius. And so like you come and you're like, damn, somebody cook it up some shit. So they take the lousy breakfast, the lousy lunch, they add them up and then they cook the eggs and the dumb ass baloney. And I mean, it is amazing and it's toasted and it looks like some shit. And you get in a restaurant. Wow. By the way, you're the only guy. That I've ever heard like tell a story about Joe where you're like, people are nice.

Yeah. Everybody's cool. Can I tell you why I think that happened? I think it's because of you. I don't think that that has anything to do with that jail or the inmates. I think they just like you, you're this funny, charismatic, nice guy. And that happened to you. That didn't, I guarantee you if I asked the other guards, like, so was it great?

They'd be like, fuck that. Those guys suck. They're not going to be like, yeah, they were great. They woke me up when supervised. They did that to you. Because I did the jail, sitting at the desk, knocked the hell out. Hey man, wake up. Then people come out.

I mean, I talked to two, I know two people out here who did time downtown at Twin Towers, L.A. County. The worst stories I have ever heard in my life. I mean, don't get me wrong. The conditions are fucked up because at the time it was overcrowded. Yeah. So they had people sleeping on the floor. Yeah. It's not.

That is so fucking to you, man. Like you're not only in jail and they're like, you sleep on the floor. Yeah. You sleep on the floor and then people take shit from each other. If you let them, I just wouldn't allow it. Like, if I'm sitting here with you, I'm not about to let you take somebody's food. Yeah. What I will do is get more food up here.

Now that makes you an unpopular officer with the administration. Like when if you got 44 inmates and you asked for, you know, 48, 50 lunches, they're getting like, why you need all these extra lunches or whatever. I'm like, this shit cost you nothing. Send me the goddamn lunches and I will order 10 extra lunches. Yeah. So now with the other officers, I'm not as popular because why are you wasting food? Like they would defend shit that to me meant nothing to me.

Right. Guys make wine out of orange. Toilet wine. Yeah. It's a lot of shit you can do with a toilet, like a ton of shit. It could be like your washing machine. It could be a telephone. That one was in the documentary that got real popular on Netflix last year, which was,

was it on Netflix or was it on, I was on, I forget what it was. I remember what you're saying. Right. Where they, they were using like the toilet paper cones and talking to each other. And it was a, this was a, what's it called? A male female facility. So jailbirds. Jailbirds.

Yes. Was that on, was it on A&E or was it on Netflix? It was on Netflix. Well, Danny talked about yelling into the toilet. These people were like having a, this was like romance shit where like they were like, miss you girl. And then like she would yell back. Miss you girl.

Miss you girl. Then they had the notes on the strings and they were doing it through the entire, but then you had to have people help you like, hey man, don't flush right now. So like somebody else would help you get that message down to someone. They pull the whole string to read a love letter on a, and you're like, Jesus Christ. This is all done through the toilets. Man, amazing shit happens with like, you can do, you can, it's a refrigerator. True.

Yeah. You keep things cool in the toilet. Whoa. You can hide knives and shit in the toilet. What about that whole shit piss? Well, that's in the day room. You know, you do that in the day room. In the day room.

What do you mean? Okay. So like in their cells aligning the walls. Right. But then in the day room, the day room is where you open up the cells. You make them all come out and they sit and watch TV. Now this is an example of the type of shit that what I'm, what I'm saying, like the way that you express yourself is one way.

But what you think about is something different. Like you only could speak the way you know how to speak. So I come, I come in a day room and where I worked, it was a big, huge room. And there's two TVs, right? So all the inmates are watching like Maury or some bullshit on one TV. And this other cat is watching the TV by itself and he's watching some jungle shit. Like, you know, tropical wild kingdom or some shit. Yeah.

So I'm trying to figure out like, who is this dude that's only watching TV by itself? And why is he, you know, so I go out to talk to him and shit. So I sit down next to him and he goes, yeah, man, you know, these motherfuckers say that the lion is the king of the jungle. Nah, man, it's the tiger. Cause the most lion gonna weigh is a couple hundred pounds. Tiger weigh a thousand pounds. He's like the only thing that make the lion cold is he make them bitches go get his food.

Yeah. I'm like, what? Yeah. Like he's analyzing the nature documentary. He has come up with, this is how the shit is. And this is why I like this animal war. But I'm like, what is your life experience that the female of our gender, you know, the female gender is called a bitch as opposed to female.

Yeah. Make them bitches go. Lines, male lions are lazy as fuck. Don't do shit. Yeah. They got to kill something. Yeah. Now you mentioned hiding stuff.

Where's the most creative places you've seen things hidden? Where would they hide stuff? I saw, I was searching this guy's cell and I found they have decoder rings because they don't just write in regular English. They write in code. Right. Gang shit has to be disseminated where I can't find it. And I found that this dude had rolled up.

He had made a tiny decoder ring, rolled it up and put it inside of an ink pen. Hmm. So I'm like, man, why does pen ain't right? You know, I'm like trying to write, make a note. And the code is in there. I open up the pen, pull it out and it's rolled in a little, I mean, I don't know how he could find this shit, but it was a little bitty. And he rolled it up and put it in the pen.

So much work going into being devious. Absolutely. Or they'll hide it in deodorant. Deodorant. Peanut butter. And the making that you see what they make weapons out of. Like this used to be a toothbrush. This was a comb.

Is it like shaving it down? You're like, damn, this is a knife now. Well, in the city of Chicago, it's very political. Right. So somebody had a food contract to make food carts. And the food carts had metal, made of metal, and they had little doors and shit. So cats would break the tips off the food cart and make swords. I'm like, why are y'all getting...

And in one building that I worked in, when the new building opened, they gave these guys these plastic bins that shatter. So it was a bunch of shanks made out of plastic bins. Yeah. And how often did you witness fighting with these tools? Maybe once a month. Oh, that's not... And what would guys fight about?

It's usually about the gamble. And so it's usually fighting over somebody on somebody gambling debts. Oh, you owe me. But what can they...they can't trade in money. So what is it like in ramen packages or some shit? Very close. They call them Zuzus and Wham Whams. It's basically cakes and pies.

Yeah. And the worst ass whooping I ever saw somebody get was over a little piece of Nemo cake. It's about maybe two by two inches. And it's got a lot of icing and the cake's about that big. And it's wrapped in plastic. Let's see that. You could probably get them at Walgreens and shit. Little bitty pieces of Nemo cake.

Oh. Nemo cake. Not that kind of Nemo. It's just different. Yeah. No, none of that. But isn't it...it's so fascinating how humans create an entire world. It means so much to you when you have nothing.

Nothing. Yeah. And you're like, all I want is a fucking cake, man. I mean, I get it. If you want somebody to get beat up real bad, a Nemo hit is really rough. Like, they got this thing called a pumpkin head. Where they beat you in your face until your head is... Remember that Martin episode where Martin had to go, it's literally like...

And I've seen this one guy, I was like, God damn, they got you. You're like, I'm all good. I'll be back. Wait, dude, I think you should leave these guys alone. Yeah. I mean, your head is like, huge. Is that the wildest shit you ever saw as a guard? Yeah.

Yeah. Let me think about that. I don't think the wildest thing. Well, it wasn't wild. It was just hilarious. When I got ready to leave, I knew I was leaving. So I ain't gonna fight. How long have you been there before you...

I was there nine and a half years. Wow. So you're getting ready to leave. I'm getting ready to leave. And this guy comes down, and nobody ever talks about shit like this. I was working on what they call an old man deck. Old man deck is a tier that has people that are over 35. That's an old man deck.

That's an old man deck because everybody's younger than that, that they're locking up at the time. Right. And this young guy comes down, because sometimes they have issues with not having enough space. So they have to use some of the specialty areas to put regular inmates in. By specialty areas, I mean, they have protective custody. Right. They have... Except for like trans people.

Sometimes there's trans people. Or if you have a high profile... Person. ...case, then they don't want you to be around the general. Because these guys are very judgmental, despite what they tell you. Despite having done all type of awful shit. If you touch a kid, or if they feel like somebody's life was going well and you fucked that life up, they will fuck you up for that.

And so... And they don't really play the rape game a lot. You would think there would be a lot of rape. It's really not. Because they don't allow it. If you want to have sex with your cellmate or anybody, that's fine. But if you take it, they're going to do something to you. No kidding.

So let's say there are two cellmates. Is it out? Are they known homosexuals? No, nobody wants to let you know that they're doing it. It's not nobody's business. But if they're discovered to be doing it... It doesn't matter if you want to. If you're trying to take it, they're going to fuck you up.

Wow, that's interesting. I was on an old man's deck. And there was a young guy on an old man's deck. And the young guy comes in and goes, Hey man, I believe my cellmate is trying to have sex with me. So I was like, huh, don't nobody ever tell no shit like this. So I called my supervisor. I go get the guy.

We bring him out on the hallway to interview him. When we come out on the hallway, a lot of the time I would leave the door unlocked to the tier. So I can get back in without calling him because I didn't have a key. It was a master area where they controlled all the doors. So you had to call and tell them to open the door. So I just didn't want to leave the door. So I left the door open.

So I noticed that this dude is standing by the door. I don't give a fuck. I don't, you know, whatever. The young dude is? No, another cat. Oh, another cat, okay. So I bring the guy out and I go, So what happened?

And this motherfucker is trying to convince me. He goes, see man, he ain't know nothing about hygiene, right? And I'm trying to hit him out with hygiene. So I try to clean my new lotion. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, stop right there. And so now at this point, my supervisor just laughing too much to handle any of this shit. I'm like, you're going to try to tell me,

you're going to teach a grown man how to use lotion. He didn't know. He didn't know. That didn't already know. I mean, I'm just trying to help out with the hygiene. I was like, you know what? I didn't really, I look at my supervisor. I'm sorry.

I didn't have to call you down here. I was like, pack your shit. Cause I was in a, I was right across from the hole where you got, you know, segregation. Oh God. You locked up forever. And, um, and when he went back in, the other dude was like, Hey man,

you ain't got to move that motherfucker. I guarantee you he won't rape nobody else. And I was like, no, I can't let that happen. I need this job. I can't let this do it. Did he go to segregation? I mean, I made sure he went to segregation cause he wasn't going to make it up out of there without getting beat the fuck up.

And that, you know, it's funny. It's like, whenever you, everyone plays that game in their head of like, what if I went to jail and cause it always seems like, you know, the worst, like right in your head, you're like, I don't want to go to jail. Jail's got to be the worst. And I think in your head, a lot of people who think about that

scenario, they go, God, I would definitely want to be alone. Like, so I don't get fucked with, but every story you ever hear about people going to the hole, they're like a solitary is like the worst thing in the world. Very worst. Yeah. If you only get one hour out of 24 to be out. And then when you're out, you can't be out with nobody else.

So you really buy yourself the full time. And it tortures your mind. It is amazingly, you do not understand how social people are until you're not. Yeah. Social at all. And you can't. Did you see it change people?

Like fuck with that. Yes. It does. Yes. Yes. Now some cats, you know, they might want that. But here's the thing. It's over crowded.

You couldn't be by yourself anyway. Right. So when they lock you up, they just lock you up with another guy. Yeah. So now you and that guy, sometimes those guys don't get along. Yeah.

You kind of move them in. Like I one time I heard, I heard a lot of smacking noises. And again, I'm finna leave. They put me in that last little area. And I'm finna leave. And I hear smack, smack, smack. And I was like, damn, I already know what's happening.

So I walk over there and look, because I'm, you know, I can't let nobody get beat all up. Shit, I gotta stop this shit. Yeah. So I go in there and I open the door. And as I'm opening the door, the dude kicks this guy straight past me,

out of the cell. And I was like, what the fuck, man? So I call, like, hey, I got a fight over here. And supervisor come up and I closed the door on the guy. And I was like, man, what the fuck? Why are you beating on me? He's like, motherfucker, talk about my business. Meaning he was probably talking about his case

to other people. And he didn't want it to get out whatever he had done. And he was already in protective custody, so it was some shit with a kid, which is my guess. I don't know for sure, but that's what I'm guessing. And so when I told the guy to come out at first, he didn't come out.

The guy getting beat up. He just standing there. And then he kicked him. The other guy kicks this guy out of the cell. So I closed the door, because I can't get my, this the moneymaker. I can't get my ass up and leaving. And so when the guy comes out,

I take him to the dispensary and I ask, hey, man, why didn't you come out when I called you? And then he just didn't say anything. And then the other officer that was working with me was like, did you ever think that maybe he was dazed? He had been being beat about the face. Oh, right. I was like, yeah.

You're like, oh, he's barely conscious right now. He could barely move. He's beating the fuck up. No, wait, when you leave, when you actually left after those nine and a half years, isn't it kind of a relief to be out of that environment a little bit? You know what I mean?

Away from the chaos and the craziness of a jail. The reason why it was a relief was not because of the jail itself, because it's like summer camp. Like these cats are not on much. Like they just want to have, man, we would signify, you know, because me, I'm going to talk shit the full time.

So we talked about each other and it was cats who were really good at signifying. I'm like, damn, he better than me. Like this one guy's name, well, his jail name was Frank Nitty. Frank Nitty is more of a rank than a name. So he's like the second in charge of a little group. Right.

And he and I were pretty cool. Like, and he would come in and he's like, man, you fat as hell. You might really want to check your blood type because it might be orange juice. You know, this type of shit. One day he said, he was like, I bet you when you was in school,

you didn't have a book bag. You just carried a refrigerator. You know, this type of shit. Funny shit. Really funny, really creative. One time I was like, the way your day goes is in the morning, you open up the doors, you let the inmates out.

Yeah. Then, well, the first thing I do is you got to count them. So you count them and your account has to match the previous shift's count. Right. And then when it does, they call that your count clearing. So they let you leave. I mean, you, like the person who worked there.

So like when I got there, when I would get there, I would go in and count and shit and at the end of my day, I locked everybody up. You leave two or three guys out to clean up the day room. They mop and they clean up everything. I left this, I left this one guy out and he yelled up, now everybody's in a gang. Like if you're not in a gang, you eat last.

So, you know, so you're the neutron. So you get your food, but you get it after everybody else get there. And so like, he was like, hey, Latin folks, now folks is Black Gangs the Disciple Gang. Right. So go Latin folks, sing that song. And I swear to God, this dude starts singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

And these guys were loving this song. I'm like, God, that was amazing. He sound just like Freddie Mercury. Really? Singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Jail is always at least, you know, to those of us who haven't spent a lot of time there, notoriously segregated, right?

All jails like that. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's how to keep you in there. Right. Is that they keep you locked up. So you're not a gang as much. But you're race.

Not even as you're right. Really? Because there's not many white people there. It's no white people in not in the county jail. Why I worked. The only time white people came to jail is when like, the grateful dead would come to town. And then it'd be like three or four white boys on the tear.

And those guys caught hell for the two, three days. They were there. They were watching people's draws and shit. Really? It's crazy. So was the, holy shit. Wait, so how were they separated? How did they separate the inmates?

I'm glad you know. The grouping. They don't do any of that. None. Not in the county. Not in Cook County. What they do is they lock you in the cell for the night. And then let you out in the morning.

But what I mean by segregated is like, you can't go to talk to your boy across the hall. Yeah. You can't do any, you know, it's really difficult to do gang business. Yeah. You can, but somebody has to be going to court. And so when you go to court, they take them to a centralized

area to send them to different courts. And that's called the, I can't even remember the name of it, but it's like a bunch of chain link fences that people are in and all type of shit going in there. It was called receiving. And you go down to receiving. And then they call that the flea market. You can buy all type of shit.

You can buy weed. You can buy all type of shit in the flea market because it's people who are also being processed in. So like you could buy somebody's shoes before you go to court or something like that. And it's all type of information that take place in there. That's where they really disseminate the information through court people.

So they don't, they will pair up a black eye Latino guy to share a cell. Oh hell yeah. All the time. You take the cell that's available. And so, and there's no beef over that. Cause I always feel like there's always like really not at the Cook County jail.

Damn. But the thing is that there are other Latinos on the tier, right? Yeah. So they all hang together when they nod and move. They'll ask you to move. Yeah. And then I would move people because I don't give a fuck. I don't care.

You can't leave. So I'll give shit where I put you in here. So I would move people all the time. It's not really. All the stories I've heard of here, like LA County, complete segregation, like whites in this area. And not only is it segregated amongst Latinos, they segregate Latinos into two separate segregated areas.

Sureños, like the southern and the northern. So like you, you, when you get in there, like, what are you? Like if you're Latin and if you're like, I'm Soreño, they're like, you guys are over here. You northern guys are over here. They keep it that segregated because of fear of violence. Right. Because our gangs are more Latin gang members in the actual

system, more in California, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, there's, there's gangs everywhere. But I mean, out here, yeah, there's a lot of Latin gangs. And they go, if we put these guys together, they're just definitely gonna fucking try to kill each other. Not in the city. You gotta give a fuck.

Like once you out, if they let you out this sale that whoever comes in new going in that sale where you were. Now there are times like I said, like people come to me like, Hey man, I don't really dig my cellmate. Could you, um, I'm sorry, man, I'd like to be comfortable. No, do it. Do it. Do it.

Yeah, so are we. Be comfortable. And so like there are times where like I would go in and they'd be like, Hey man, my cousin here, I want to be in the cell with him. Okay, I could do that. Yeah. That I could, you know, anybody can give a fuck what I do

about that. Yeah. But if this is where you assign, this is where you assign. And they try not to honor gang shit, but they really have to. Kind of, right? Yeah. Cause like the, our building was brand new. And so there was a, there was a, there was a way that they could

get out the sales without, um, without the key. So the director had to figure out how they was doing it. Yeah. So in order to do that, you know, you just go, Hey man, which one of your guys is doing this? And guy like, Hey, I tell you, but I need whatever. And then they fix it. Wow.

You made a deal with the gang chief. And the gang chiefs were really cool guys. Like I'm like, I could see why you a gang chief. Cause I could see you as a CEO if you were educated. Right. Man, one time I came in and this is dude, we'll call him KD Williams. Okay. He was five corner hustlers, like a vice Lord type of gang member.

And this dude is sitting at a table with two grown men braiding his hair. And he's a little dude. He was just really good with his hands. He was like, he was like, hi, I'm going to teach you how to play cards. Right. Then I'm going to teach you how to cheat.

I don't even need to know how to cheat. Just teach me how to play. I just want to be in the game. I don't want to cheat nobody. These cats were, I mean, they were just amazingly generous, really smart guys. And if the situation would be different, you can see where they would run shit because of the way they run.

You know, and I often say that that a lot of the really wealthy people, you know, are just doing crime through the loopholes. It's just, but it's legal crime. I'm saying the only difference is the same kind of a brain, but one just chooses to follow the rules and not go to jail for it. And one guy, whatever, whatever the fuck it is, yeah, rich people do the same shit, same shit, different toilet. You know what I mean?

I do tell me, yeah, man, a friend ain't nothing but a personal victim. Wow. Throw that on a t-shirt. Now, what about friends? Friend ain't nothing but a personal victim. How did the drugs get in? What kind of drugs?

Is that the big problem? Well, a lot of the times officers are bringing in drugs. Yeah. A lot of times officers bring in drugs. I could always tell if somebody's getting hot because it do the same shit. Like it's the same. I know somebody was smoking weed when I smell powder in the air

because they're trying to cut mass to center the weed. So they shake up powder and just push it in. Like baby powder? Yes. Yes. When you smell baby powder, somebody smokes some blood. It ain't no question. And the other thing that just sort of would trip me out is like

they give these guys shit that you got to cook and then get mad when they cook it, right? And they'd be like, go in that tub and put the fire out. I'm not really going to do that because I know when he gets cooked and he's going to put the fire out himself, right? And why did you give him noodles and shit? But the drug issue that I found the most prevalent was weed. And it was a lot of people bringing in like officers.

Sometimes you can get a nurse to do something for you. It was usually in a romantic situation. Oh. Oh, so would they, it may be able to try to hook up with females. Oh, yeah. Of course. This was crazy, man. It would not only be not nurses.

Sometimes it was female officers. Really? It's 1500 dudes in this building. Somebody's going to catch your fancy. And it's just a matter of his game, if his game is tight enough. It was one time when I first started at the jail, I was working in this place called Division 9. Division 9 was not direct contact.

It was like a monitor in the middle. And then there was a tear on this side and a tear on that side. So what's supposed to happen is you go in to lock up your inmates. That person comes from their side to watch you, right? So this is my first day. I'm scared as hell. And I'm working with this lady who was dealing with this dude. There was nicknamed Jello.

So Jello's in there and he's sitting at the desk. He's sitting in the day room because she would never lock Jello up. And I go in, I watch her when she locks her inmates up. I go to the other side. I'm locking and I'm not paying attention at all. And one of the inmates tapped me on the shoulder. Very unusual. And I look at him and then he points.

And I look over there. He's like, ain't nobody in the bubble. That's what he says to me. I just continue to lock up like it ain't shit wrong. I go in there and I go look on her side. This bitch is sitting next to Jello on the couch watching TV. In the bubble. In the inmates.

In the inmates. Yeah, she's sitting like it was. They had these rubber couches so you can't use it to hurt people. So it's like rubber filled with shit. And she's sitting next to me sitting there with his arm around. They watch TV. Oh my God. Yeah.

What happened when they saw you? Nothing? She didn't give a fuck. She's like, fuck you. I'm with Jello. Hilarious. But then you know that the likelihood that she's going to bring in drugs or whatever. Sandwiches.

Whatever he wants. And do they not search you guys when you go in? It's not really the same way they search visitors. They just patch it down a little bit. Do they search visitors vaginas and butts and stuff? No. Like could I bring in... You can't really...

You're not a doctor so you can't be looking up nobody's crevices and shit. But like if I wanted to bring drugs into my Jello, I would just put it up my hoo-ha. Yeah. You're good. You're good. Ain't nobody going in there. Just thought of a new way to make some scratch. You got a new part time.

I'm thinking which inmate I would choose. Like... You probably would like Jello. 1500 dudes? Yeah, that's a lot. Who am I going for? There's some Puerto Rican guys for sure. Yeah, that's what I'm hoping for.

Do you have a lot of Puerto Rican guys at cooking? For sure. Absolutely. Absolutely. Chicago. Wait, so one thing though, so you said about the count, right? The count's got... So what...

Did you ever... Were you ever there when the count was off? Oh yeah. And like shit kind of shut down at that point? Everything. Everything shut down. Like fart in or out of jail. If the count ain't right, everybody shut down.

They shut down the fucking block. Were you ever there when a guy escaped? Yes. What's that like? Fucking chaotic. Because somebody's going to be fired. No question. Not just one person.

If you are in one of the nerve spots of the jail, you're going to probably lose your job too. Really? If you're working in any door, your job is in jeopardy. They did a dude ever escape and they didn't get him? Like they weren't able to capture him? No, they're going to capture him. They're going to capture him. Really?

Unless you go to Mexico, they're going to capture you. And even if you go to Mexico, they're going to see your ass back. Yeah, they are. You're not going to get away. Did you follow the Epstein story? No. No? I just knew that it was bullshit.

I know somebody killed that dude. You can't convince me otherwise. Because when you're in protective custody, you have to check a person every 15 minutes. He was also not only in protective custody, also on Suicide Watch. Yeah, double. And the guards that were in the area, one left and one was asleep. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. When you are in those situations, because normally you supposed to do around every 15 minutes.

I don't do no fucking rounds. I'm sitting here. Anybody going to wear, everybody here, I'm going to write down that I did a round and write it down. You write down it's hot time. It's a sheet that you have to fill out. For every 30 minutes, you have to sign that you did a round. I'm not doing rounds because everybody in the day room, I locked all the doors. Yeah.

Everybody's out here. I got to walk nowhere. I can see the bathroom from where I'm standing, which is where most of the ass weapons take place. Yeah. If you're going to get fucked up, it's usually in the bathroom. Yeah. And so I can see everything. I don't have to walk nowhere.

I'm in the middle of this motherfucker. I got to do shit. Yeah. So I would just sign a little thing. But when you were in protective custody, it's not every 30 minutes. It's every 15 and you do have to get up and you do have to walk around because these guys are stuck in the sales and you don't know what's going on in there. Right.

So you do suppose every 15 every 15 fucking minutes. That sounds like a fucking shitty gig at that point. I mean, you know, it ain't nobody in the day room. So I ain't got shit else to do. Yeah. So I walk around. Now I heard a rumor that the gentlemen that wear their pants low are inviting butt sex. Is that true?

Not in not in Cook County. That's just where that shit came from was from here. And that's because they take your belt and everybody where they close, you know, kind of baggy. So if they taking your belt and shit, you know, you should go. But I don't think that was at least in my experience, your sexualizing has shit to do with how you is wearing your pants. Hmm.

Hmm. My one of my friends was in Rikers. And he said he was in the library and three guys were raping a guy. And my friend was in the library, walked by, saw it and was like, oh, shit. And they were like, hey, man, you want some of this? And he was like, no, no, I'm good. And they're like, you can get in if you want. And the guy was pinned down was like, come on, man.

They were like, you know, he said that they were all black. And and he said that they told the guy like, look, man, if you were white, we wouldn't even use Vaseline. We're doing you a favor right now. Wow. So yeah. Well, if you put that much manhood together, it's not really natural. Yeah.

To have that many dudes together without any women. For me, you know, the way I see it, like women make shit better. I mean, and I'm not just pandering. And in my life, I can tell you women make shit. Yeah. And when you just got all these dudes, somebody is probably going to pray on somebody for sure. And the other guy ain't going to say shit because he was to pray.

Yeah. Right. So there is some of that shit. Well, yeah, because you feel like it's not the same as jail. But like, if you ever play sports, you're just around dudes, right? Like all day practice here on the bus, you're going and you're like this energy changes. Yep. Some dude is going to push on some somebody's going to be an asshole with somebody.

And then you get back and you like you see women and everyone's energy changes. Absolutely. It just shifts. It's something about, you know, and then is that different? It's a weird dynamic of like a mother issue. Like when it's a woman who's working on a tear, they go out of their way to please her. Not in a sexual way. Right.

You know, especially if she's an older lady. They'll be nice. There was this one woman that everybody in the Cook County system knew. Her name was Mother York. And this old lady would feed them at like Thanksgiving and shit. She passed away. This old lady, they would be rioting and Mother York would come in. They stopped.

Mother York ran shit with a gentle hand. Mother loves Mother York. Wow. And she passed away, but she was like a really big influence in the jail. Mother's new mother York was coming. They wash up. Wow. Looks good.

Like mother York going to be here today. Wow. Like representing their mom. Man, she was amazing. Check out this kid right here. Check out this kid. Oh boy. Yeah, now I'm 25, man.

Y'all know what's going on. Go get your triple. Know what I'm saying? All man's in the pit. Yeah. Yeah, son. Yeah. Fuck bitch.

And y'all got Instagram. Yeah. And me on the ground. I don't know what the fuck he said. I know. I know he said get something up. He said, I don't know what he said. I know.

I know he's on Instagram. It's all done. And he wants you to add him on the ground. On the ground. And me on the ground. And me on the ground. Have me on the ground. I think.

Jesus Christ. I think he's in Arkansas. I don't know where he is. We found a new video of him. Here's a new video of him. Let's do it. I don't even got that scrap on me. Oh, that's hot.

All right. I'm going to fuck with you. All right, bro. There you go. I do believe that was some sort of gang handshake. I don't know for sure. And it sounded like he said something about you got that scrap. Yep.

You got that scrap with you. And then you said. He said that means he carried a pistol. Yep. Oh my God. And then he said. I don't know what the fuck he said. I don't know what the fuck he said.

He said, I'm going to fuck with you. I don't know. I'm going to make some money. I'm going to fuck with you. I'm going to make some money together. They are. They're good kids. Good kids.

Sure. They're good kids, man. What is this? Is this DIY trimming? Is that Fedsmoker? Of course. No, no, no. It's not Fedsmoker.

I think it's someone that maybe is a Fedsmoker fan. At least the way that Fedsmoker gives haircuts. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. There's this guy. I don't know. His name is Fedsmoker. He's pretty out there.

And maybe I should. I think I've seen it on another. You did? You can't forget him. He's special. Let me see if I. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. No. Well, isn't it serious that he has a shoe that is dirty? And this man.

I grabbed this man. Oh, right? Seriously? He你 저를 한Wh Je lafoot? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't.

I don't know. You didn't hear me. You didn't hear me. Okay. Okay. You got táub. Yeah. There you go.

You didn't hear about it? Yeah. He's super aggressive. And... Now, this ain't the guy scene. The guy scene was black, and I couldn't understand the fuck he was saying. Oh, no. This guy is not black, but you'll have trouble with him, too.

Like, we're parked illegally. Quick. Quick, quick, quick. He looks exactly like I thought he would. He's got a bad tooth, then. I don't like that sound. And he took his headphones off. So, he's got a bad tooth.

So, rather than brush your teeth, I'll go to the dentist. Just use a knife. And... Oh! The sound. So, there you go. Got it out. Now, that is American exceptionalism.

He also, if you're interested, and I'm not, you know, you don't have to be, but he also does haircuts. This is the way he's put a little pink on a dink. Oh, that's a rink. It's a rink, that's a rink. And I can feel it when I touch this rink. As long as they're wearing a rink, and they're definitely up rinks. I got a little rink.

He's doing it with fire. In the dark. In the dark. Yeah. Yeah. And having the wherewithal to keep recording with another hand. Wow. What'd you think?

When you're feathering it, brother? You gotta get a good drip on it. When you're feathering it, brother? You gotta get a feather in that shit. You gotta get it going, bud. You know what I mean? You gotta get her hot, too. Now, that's a thrill, motherfuckers.

To light yourself on fire. Light your brain on fire. Huh? I mean, he's really... Doesn't that feel great? And also, you saved the money from the haircut. Right. And I know he's making money because we're watching it.

Yeah. Yeah. He's doing well. Tom's been working on his... And when you're feathering it, brother? When you're feathering it, like that, brother? You just broke Proto, buddy. Dude, the Proto.

It does. He just broke fucking Proto, homo. Hey, Chomo. Hey, Chomo. What's up there, Chomo? You just broke Proto, buddy. Oh. Oh, my God.

This is funny as fuck. The Proto thing. The Proto. We've been saying that one around the house a lot. What's the first one called, where he walks up to the guy? Remember what that's called? Fedsmoker. Is that called Fedsmoker?

I don't know if it is. I think it might be Fedsmoker in the name. I'd say maybe type in the word harass. Right in the way. You know what? You know what? I love Nadov. Oh, I know what it's actually...

I just found it. I love how seriously Nadov answers it. Like, you know what? You know what it's called? Curing Cancer. Yeah, it is. Actually, it's... You titled it Cool Guy Provokes Feds.

This was our... This was our initiation to this guy. Hey, bro, I'm on record for a moment. What is this place, anyways? What is this place? You don't need to film me. Oh, I'm going to go to documentary. I don't care.

I don't want to be filmed. This is America. You dumb son of a bitch. Right away. I'm a private person. I'm a fucking American. You're so stupid. I'm a private person.

I'm a fucking American. You're a stupid fuck. I can ask you anything I want. Like, right. Let me just tell you why. This dude, the officer, is weak as fuck. Okay. Because when the dude walked up to him...

Mm-hmm. ...and he says whatever he says... Yeah, he's like, hey, what's this place do here? Yeah. He repeated exactly what that guy said to him. Uh-huh. Let's rewind it. Watch this shit again.

Okay. Exactly whatever this man says to him, he says the shit back. Hey, bro, I'm on record for a moment. What is this place anyways? What is this place? Um, you don't need to film me. Oh, I'm going to go to documentary. This is here.

I don't care. I don't want to be filmed. This is America. You dumb son of a bitch, okay? You dumb son of a bitch. I'm a private person. He called him your own name. Yeah.

You're so stupid. Fuck, I can ask you anything I want. Right. And he has ears and dog. I'm a fucking baby raper on your face, okay? You're a baby raper. You're the one who looks like a baby raper. Baby raper.

Say it right back again. What's up there, Chomo? Listen here. How do you get a job here? What's up there, Chomo? What's up there, Chomo? Well, not by talking like that. Well, you know what?

You're fired, bud. No, I'm not. You're right. Like, come up with your own insult. Man. Don't repeat with the inmate that guy's saying. Right. Right.

Because that's what he is, a future inmate. Oh, yeah. And I think a past one, too. I think he's been through the system a few times. He didn't have a different dog than when he was in his car cutting his hair. Yeah. Yeah. They could kind of come and go with him.

I don't think he's a good caretaker. You're talking to me? I'm a fucking American, you'll fuck. You don't touch my camera through the fence, you faggot. I'm going to talk to the sheriff's department about you, buddy. Okay? Go get him. Go get him.

Yeah. Yeah. He's just been talking to the fence. How do you get a job here? You know where protocol is? Yeah. I take cops badges all the time doing it. You know who you're talking to?

A retired double agent there. You fucking retard. You didn't follow Proto, buddy. That comes here. It's an insane asylum, buddy. He just lost your life. Okay? As far as your job goes.

He's threatening my life. No, I told him to teach you job. You're threatening my fucking life? Job, bitch. That's not what you said, asshole. Well, we've changed it to job because you're taking it out of context there. What's your name, anyways? Yeah.

See these wires? You're not completely closed. You just got your job there, buddy. It's baby rape around your face closed. Okay? Oh, they're retarded. He didn't follow Proto, buddy. You're done.

He didn't follow Proto. Oh, my God. Buddy, you're done. Proto. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah. You see any of those in your time?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But not in the jail. Yeah. Dude's walking around talking like that. Being crazy. Yeah. So that was, I was giving you all of that because I saw a new file titled here.

And I just don't know what it is, but it says using fire. So let's see what it is. We can't see right now because it's dark. But basically, I'm going to show you what to do. Turn your lighter on. And you should be able to see this. It might be a little dark. You can simply apply it to your pubic hair as such.

And it will just sort of eat your hair up. Wow. Okay. Wow. So to do that, when it gets close, you just swap it and it will burn away. And as you can see, it turns it right down to the root without any issue. So do scissors. Right.

Right. That's what I'm thinking like, why don't you? Or the new Manscaped 3.0 is a perfect check. Jesus. You don't have to light your pubes on fire. Your maniac. I think he was explaining it like no one's ever knew that fire would do it. He's like, see, if you use fire, it'll fucking burn hair.

What does that smell like right now? Burning pubes? I've never even smelled that before, but I know it's not good. Delicious. Delicious. Goddamn. Why don't you do that to your pubes tonight, babe? Yeah, sure.

Burn them up. Who can do your chode? Would you let me burn off your butt hair? Yeah. You just didn't follow Proto, buddy. You didn't follow Proto. When you're feathering it, brother. When you're feathering it.

Are you on TikTok? Oh, yes. I started a TikTok and I got scared because it was like, if you change this name, it's permanent. And I was like, well, I'm going to let somebody else set that up for me and I'm going to start doing TikTok. Are you on the ground? Are you on the ground?

I think I am on the ground. No, don't. I am on the ground. You are. I do a lot of social media shit, but not like I'm supposed to because I like going places and doing shit. Yeah, yeah. But I got it.

Yeah, I got all this shit. What's your grunt? I'm going to give you my grunt. Hit me on the grunt. Okay, so like. Give me on the grunt. Robert underscore L underscore Heinz. Robert underscore L underscore Heinz.

My Twitter is Robert Heinz one and my Facebook is Robert L. Heinz. All right. Are we doing TikToks finally? I got a couple here just before we wrap up here. So Christina curates a batch of TikToks because there's there's some strange things going on on TikTok. Like some people are, you know, kind of doing mainstream stuff and then there's kind of an underground.

I like to curate the people in the margins, if you will. You may find these in my Instagram stories at the Christina P. I update my curations pretty much every 24 hours. It's my passion project. I don't receive payment from TikTok. I just do this to make other people happy. Well, let me just say this. You guys are remarkably consistent.

Thank you. So when I look at your shit, I know I'm going to get some shit that's going to make me go, wow, we got people like this here. Yeah. Thank you. That's a good advertisement for what our show is. Yes. You just nailed it.

That is exactly what the show is. People doing that. All right. I have not seen any of this. Okay. Well, let's let's see. Here we go. At a rep.

Hey, you. Stop scrolling. I need to tell you one thing. Every single video I put out, people are asking me if those are sharpies or markers. These are actual tattoos. Okay. Let's put this out. These are real.

Now you go. Okay. All right. I mean, any thoughts? What does that make you feel? Uncomfortable. I don't like what he did to his face. Why don't you describe it for the listeners?

For the listeners, he has an extraordinary number of tattoos all over his face and not like a design or something. It's just work. It's like face graffiti. Yeah. It is. It says fame, guilty, cream. Is that I love on his other?

Yeah, dude. There's all kinds of shit there. Now. Look at the bottom of his mouth. It says now. Basically, he's a thirsty bitch and I don't even, like, because here's the real, I've been following him. I don't want you to do not follow him on the grump and do not follow him because he's

just a big thirst trap. He just wants to be famous. So don't fucking follow him. But here's the weird part. He's very attractive. He's a good looking guy. He's like a model. So he really destroyed his looks doing this, I think, but do not follow this bitch anywhere.

I will follow him when he starts going to, like, Richmond East Coast Ink Removal Center and starts posting those things. He's like, this fucking hurts. This is my second of 30 sessions. Yeah. He's cute. It's too bad because he's really handsome. Good looking guy.

Fucked it up. Fucked his face. I'm done being judged. I'm done with everybody thinking they're perfect. You ain't. Trust and believe. You want to talk about me? I ain't a felon.

I don't have a criminal record. I have never, ever been sentenced to nothing. Once I was all of a sudden, no face, no case. I was cleared of all charges. Don't come at me, son. I'm sick and tired of you haters talking shit. Come at me now. I don't abuse and I don't got no criminal charges for you guys to talk shit about me

now. What's up? Is that the mom from the Goonies? Is she back? It does look like her. It just made me feel like America is a melting pot. She was saying, I know she got it from the hood. I felt good about that.

I do like this. She's like, I've never been charged. Just once. Just once. Yeah, bitch. Charges were dropped. Wait a minute. I thought you just said you didn't have.

Nothing. That's the part I like is that it does contradict. Yes. The contradiction. A little long. I prefer shorter too. I agree. The only way it's contradictory is because she said she never had any charges.

What she probably meant was she had no conviction. No conviction. That's what she meant. But you've been arrested, bitch. You have a restaurant all over your face. And the extreme rage is interesting as well. What's going on there? Why so angry?

Who touched that baby? You know what's also crazy about? Yes. It's like this is for one person and you can just call him. You don't have to make a video for everyone. You can just call that guy. That's the crazy one. That's the crazy one.

And they're like, Michelle, I know you're on TikTok, bitch. It's like, well, you could just fucking text her. All the haters. You mean Michelle? Just call Michelle. Yeah, stop it with these. You know, that's comedy. Right?

These public TikToks. I'm speaking from past experience because one of my ex-boyfriends did have to take a shower because one hour, my old friends from high school didn't want to be around him and neither did I. What? Huh? That's just a story. Why don't you ever listen to the story?

She's trying to share her life with you. Let her share it. One of her ex-boyfriends had to take a shower. Dory time. From experience. She's telling you. Story time. She looks amazingly like Rick Moranis.

Yes. Is it Moranis? I don't. I don't. Maybe I don't. All right. Story time. I like the pronunciation.

Moranis. I think. Okay. So, I am going to set this record straight because I am tired of answering this damn question. Please do. Yes. I still have a boyfriend.

Yes. I do at other people. Yes. My boyfriend knows and actually has seen the videos. He is fine with it because, oh my God, he freaking trusts me. He knows the guys I'm duetting are just friends or people that I admire so I want to duet them. Relax.

I am still very much happily taken as a matter of fact, we are engaged and trying to decide if we want to have a big wedding or just do a justice of the peace. So freaking relax, get off my back. I am happily taken. Can you sit up if you're going to make this fucking shit? Like, God damn. Is that too much to ask? I mean, on your side, on your back, like give yourself a shot.

Do you guys know what duetting is? Yes. So, it's when you put like this, someone will take this original video and then do like a side by side companion to it. So like they might mouth the words at the same time or react to what she's saying. Specific to TikTok. It's just a TikTok. It's only to TikTok.

So, but a lot of very popular rain on TikTok is people saying, I am happily with my boyfriend. Stop DMing me. I'm happily married. Stop trying to get my man. It's just, it's an interesting lane. I like this lane on TikTok. All right. Well, I'm going to get involved in this and I'm going to send you guys my TikTok.

Oh, I love that. I would love that. Man, y'all see my fucking smile? Yeah. Y'all know why I'm happy? Do you know why I'm happy? Guess why I'm happy? You know why?

Because fuck the dude. Swag, bitch. So. Gratata. You might remember Brian Silva from the Gratata. Was he on the Grom before? Yeah. Grom?

No. He was on the Grom. Yeah. He was on Vine. Vine. Vine. Vine. Vine.

Vine. Vine. Vine. Vine. Vine. Vine. Vine. Just like this guy's dick I just hooked up.

I'm gay. Gratata. Cool, man. Yeah. What is the point of the sound? That's like the barrier? That became his signature sound. That's his thing.

It was like a gun sound. Gratata. You know, he would do that. yeah, yeah. And then he went to jail for a while and then he's out. Now he's doing this. Oh, this is awesome. Things are going well.

Man. Upgrade. God is good. Well, okay, all right, can we just move on? That's Johnny Sharp. That's Miami hot right now. So Johnny Sharp is another big character on the talk. He's become quite a hit, a sensation, if you will.

He just does these kind of esoteric boom, boom. He's got an Elvis wig and he's like an older, skinnier. That was a wig? Well, yeah. Can we jump to the next one? Sure. Kind of cleanse the palate a little bit. Sure, man, if you will.

Yeah. I bullshit you, man. Some man just pulled up to here at my store, you know, I work at a gas station. Pulled up, right, and he was like, you work here, I said, oh, yo, he said, oh, you just chillin' because I was outside, I was like, oh, no, he was like, well, you workin' right now? I said, yo, he talkin' about, I give you $100 to get in my car and ride with me. I said, uh-uh, I said, first of all, my manager up in this beach, second of all, oh, fuckin'

no, you think I'm gonna get in the car? What the fuck do I look like? You know, lost your fuckin' mind. It's a good story. As long as she bullshits us not, you know, that's the most important. That's it, yeah, I bullshit you not. Add me on the group. Well, I know you like stories, so I wanted to give you a story.

That was a really nice story. Y'all? Thank you for that. Yeah. Was he in Florida? It had some Florida vibes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe Georgia. Maybe Georgia. Hi. Y'all? Jesus. That story, like, did you say, get in the car, I said, uh-uh, I bless you tonight. You said you work at, I said, get in.

You said, uh-uh, I said, uh-uh, I said, uh-uh, I said, uh-uh, uh-uh. I just met you, and this is crazy, but hey, it's my number, so call me, maybe, it's the heart of a ride. I'm your babe, babe, but hey, it's my number, so call me, ma- He also, I like this guy because he does tech talks about hating his mom, like he lives with his mom, and he's like, my mom doesn't want me to eat this cereal, but I'm gonna, fuck my mom. He was actually semi-famous on social media.

Yeah, seriously? Yeah. Oh. He's been putting out stuff on different platforms for a long time. Well, I didn't know that, I just discovered him, and I really like his work, so I'm a fan. I like the way he held up the phone when you say call me. Yeah, he did a little, yeah.

You're right, it's a little flavor. I can't sleep at night. She said she has no feelings of me. I begged her to give me a chance. She said she was consider, but now I want to give up too. That was kind of a sincere one. Yeah, that kind of brought me down. Yeah, thanks a lot.

Let's go back to the lady. I'll say it, yeah. I do want to put this out here. Yes, I have facial hair. I have a condition. I know I do. So if you have anything bad to say about it, please stay off my TikTok. Why would you do that?

Why would you, like, and I like these and the ones that are like, to all the bullies out there. I will not stand for your bullying. Like, stop it. You're just egging it on. Yes, I have facial hair. All right. This is the last one in the batch, so I hope it's a good one.

It's all good. It's coming up. Here it is. They're all good. Here we go. Everyone, I just did a boss in my taste. Very good. Very good.

Very swag. I like it. You know, here's the thing that's really starting to piss me off a little bit. Yeah. I work really hard trying to be interesting. Yeah. This is not taking any effort. No.

I could just stop. I could just, you know. But why am I intrigued with him? See, there's a reason I want to watch him do that. Is it because there's no self-awareness? Let's just say it. It's not. Let's just say it.

Asian accents are great. All right. Right. Yeah. Asian accents are, the way he talks is interesting. I buy my accent. Yeah. It's funny.

I like it. It's funny. You know, he sounds like Leo Ching Ching, like when that guy that has the dog, little Ching Ching, it's on Insta, stop it. It's on the ground. Who? It's, the account is little Ching Ching, and that's a guy, and he's got a little white dog named Ching Ching, and he says, okay, Leo Ching Ching, you want to get your hair

cut, and he's got the similar accent. It's on the ground. I am not making this up. It's little Ching Ching. Can you, can you pull up a little Ching Ching? Good. Guys. I was wondering why you're looking at them like that.

Oh yeah. I was like, would you do that? That's it. That's a little Ching Ching. Let's do it. Duh. Hello. All right.

You're right. You're right. He's just cute. And this guy like worships the dog and takes really good care of her like, oh, you want your treats? Yeah. Ching Ching. See?

You miss your mama? Oh. Oh. Wow. So cute. That'll give you sugar. That beatings right there. That's so sweet.

You miss your mom? She's walking, sister. You had a whole day fun with your mama and papa, and your grandpa and your grandma today. Yeah. Treating like a child. It's sister's time. I would say that your sister need to walk. She have long legs and like your short legs, you don't need to walk.

Yeah. I mean, you could work on the accent a little bit, but it's pretty accurate. Yeah. That's really, really close. We got the bang bang. That's amazing. Is that good? Did you like that?

Really close. No Ching Ching. Really? Where is he from? Singapore? I don't know. No Ching Ching. Sounds like a Cleveland accent to me.

Vietnamese. So. All right. I follow more dog accounts than I do people accounts. All right. So we're here. I've been watching Tik Tok for just a little while now, and there's a lot of pretty girls on Tik Tok, and I see other girls feeling bad about themselves because they don't think

there's prettys these other girls on Tik Tok. Fuck that shit. Know who you are inside. Oh my God. This is my new favorite lane. This is like older creeper guy trying to get with the young hot girls. That's the grossest game a dude can have. Man, it's amazing.

You know what? You're special. Listen. Don't worry about that little mole. You know me shit. You know me. Look at his hands. Look at how big his hands look.

Wait. Is he fucking married? Looks like it. Damn. Looks like a wedding ring. But that's his. It is, but it's a band. But he's in a mirror.

It's a wedding band. That's right. Yeah. So it's the opposite. Yeah. This fool's married, and he's on there trolling for young chicks. All right. Now I respect him a little.

He's like, girl, girl, you're beautiful. Yeah. Don't listen to them. My dumb ass wife ain't on TikTok. Yeah. She's gonna find this shit. Girl. He's like, that's stupid, bitch.

You gotta know what an app is. Why? All right. We went overtime because we had such a good time with you. It was so much fun. Thank you guys. This was awesome. Where are you next?

Working people fine. Well, right now, this is my whole social. Man, I'm so unorganized. I hate to be that way. It's all good. But I got, we got the, um, IG is Robert underscore L underscore Heinz. The Grum. Twitter is at Robert L. Heinz one.

And Facebook is Robert L. Heinz. There you go. Add me on the Grum. Add him on the Grum. Twitter, Facebook. Please do. Thank you guys. This was awesome.

It's a lot of fun. I cannot wait to come back in fact. Come back. We love you. We love you. We loved having you. Thank Robert. We'll see you guys next week.

You don't have no authority over me, bitch. This is America. You dumb son of a bitch. Fuck that asshole. What's up there? Chomo. Listen here. What do you guys, how do you get a job here?

Fuck face. But not by talking like that. You know what? You're fired, bud. No, I'm not. You're talking to me. I'm fucking American, you fucking. You don't touch my camera through the fence, you faggot.

I'm going to talk to the sheriff's department about you, buddy, okay? Go get him. Go get him. And I'm going to see. Go get him. But they're going to watch it on the internet. Go get him. Well, how do you get a job here?

Not by talking like that. Not by talking like that. Like what? You guys, the one's all scared of the camera. Look at you. Look at you. You know what? You're fired, okay?

You didn't follow Proto. How do you get a job here? You know what protocol is? Yeah. I take cops badges all the time doing it. Do you know who you're talking to? Retired double agent. There you fucking retard.

I'm talking to you, man. You lost your job. Yeah, trust me, man. You just ruined your fucking life, okay? You're not from the insane asylum, buddy. You just lost your life, okay? As far as your job goes. You're threatening my life?

I told you to job. You're threatening my fucking life? Job, bitch. That's not what you said, ass. Well, we're changing it to job because you're taking it out of context.