Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 536 - Matt Fulchiron - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 30, 2020

“When you’re featherin’ it, Brother” were back for another episode of Your Mom’s House. What on earth could Tom say to Charro that would “break her heart!?” Who cares, women should just be cleaning anyway. That’s what this new “Cool Guy” thinks at least. He reminds Tom and Christina about some of their former neighbors. A new Bert campaign has begun, please get on board! Plus a brand new Fart Simpson prank call using Josh Potter’s voice. Matt Fulchiron, aka The Concierge, aka The Full Charge is a stand up comedian and one of the first ever people to appear on Your Mom’s House in it’s infancy. Tom and Matt are getting ready to go to Australia by watching some videos of angry coaches and some brand new “you know what Im sayings.” Plus a very cool Australian to get them ready for the locals and does a new challenger have what it takes to dethrone the king?

And yeah, YouTube is trying to fuck our shit that we got to do that filming Man, we're pretty soon. We're gonna be releasing The highlight of recording those drops with my mom. It's one of the funnier things. I've been a part of She really was like, I don't want to do this You don't like it So good, I mean Yeah, this is a safe space you guys we sell the stuff we want that's true Yep, hey blue band your people kill Christ and you need to pay the price as for forgiveness

Or you meet your maker now. Whoa She called me when mom called me the other day and I saw it miss call We had a really good time with them on over the holidays. You know, we really did the best time ever Yeah, I saw the miss call I was like, oh cuz my mom is not like my dad calls me every day and we text all the time My mom can go weeks and she'll be like nice to hear from you very like Then you hate that when you don't talk to somebody a lot because they make you feel like shit And when you talk to them, they remind you why you don't talk to them because they make you feel like shit

So she's always like, oh look how cool. I hate that. She does that every time Anyways, but lately we had like a really good holiday break with them. Okay, and they spent a lot of time with us a lot Oh, they were in our house. We we broke our no hotel policy for them. It was yeah We went yeah, we they came to Hawaii when we did this show They did we did New Year's with them then we came back and they stayed a few days long But it was also it was a really great trip. So anyway, she called and I missed it So I was like, oh, I'll call her and I'm actually glad that there was at least a little window So when I when she answered I go, hey, she goes

I want you to know that you hurt me very bad. No boy. Oh shit. I Go because immediately I go it must be I recorded her in a phone call That's all I was thinking because like I always called my parents and record it, you know And I'm like I'm she must have heard some phone call I did with her she didn't know because she also got she was obviously very fired up when I did the fart video Yeah, and then I really just fart merch like that shit did not sit well So I Go, what's up? And she was like I was so hurt. I'm like what?

She goes I was on the YouTube and I was and I was like, oh fuck like what did you see and she goes So like I think it was when disgraceful came out, you know, you always do like a little press run I did Larry King and when I did Larry King there was one segment where he has Kind of rapid fire like he's like, you know, what food do you not like? What's your favorite this? What's your and he goes? What's one thing you used to? Believe that you know now that you don't and I go did Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior She goes I cried

So hard And I was like what that's what this phone calls about She goes told me you can make all the jokes you want that I'm an idiot because I am She's like call me a stupid make fun of everybody But you do not make it jokes about Christ la virgen Maria. No all these I was like It's very real for her she was yeah, and I I was like, oh, but I was joking, you know, I was like I was joking It's a joke and she's like that's not the joke and I was like, yeah, no, I feel badly Well, she stopped asking us if we go to church that's been years now

Yeah, she knows that we're not good at it, but I think she can you know convince herself that we're at least still You know, I mean, yeah, I don't think which I am Yeah, but me too the man in the sky is Watching us keeping score. Yep, and then my guy got here your guy's still coming. He's gonna come soon so Yeah, she was real Really, I mean she was like I cried so really is that okay? It is like that for some people it really is but what if she just prays for your soul?

She doesn't but the right so I'm saying like but doesn't that cover your soul? She told me if you die and you know what I mean, will you still go to heaven if she's prayed for you? No, she told me she was like she goes, you know The jokes like these are not funny and I go but it's a joke. He understands jokes. That's what I said Yeah, I go he gets he gets jokes and she goes we all have the same ticket Oh They're going to die and then we have the same ticket. Which way do you want to go? Oh shit? I Was like well, yeah, I was like, I think I'll probably I think I'll sit with him be like

Here's how jokes work, man. I Know you think God doesn't have a sense of humor. He invented your sense of humor. I'm a good guy. I'm not a bad guy Just make some jokes. Jesus. Thank God. That's the one thing. I'm thankful. I never dealt with I hate comedy That's the one thing my parents never did to me was the religion game Yeah, and I'm glad because that can be a real head trip man that can take years to undo Hello, you're sitting next to them. I know they get you young They that's the thing. Yeah, you think about our kids now our kids are so boy, you know You tell them anything they buy anything and like from a young age when they're beating that in dealer like he's up there

And he gets very angry if you're not good don't touch yourself and you're all right. Yeah, it's bizarro stuff man Don't lie. I mean those things are good, right? They teach you like they establish a moral compass tell the truth Don't do right, but you can also teach a kid all that without God. You can Just do it for this. It's just a tactic. It's a tactic. It's like yeah. Well if you do lie It's fine, but later you'll be in a fire for eternity I don't want that I know Just do you want to live in the fire? Oh my god And they're like, okay, and then you're like, oh, alright, this this is probably not it's so scary for a little kid

You buy it for years years I remember even even though I wasn't heavily indoctrinated I went to Catholic schools and elementary schools as well. Yeah, and I and then all honesty. I didn't feel Good about having sex until I was married Like like a hundred percent like after I would have I'd be done having sex with the myriad of guys I was with before you and after every Puerto Rican guy dumped his clip in me I would feel guilty like just a tinge just a little and I was like, this is so weird But then when I was with you it stopped

Yeah Why don't you make more dramatic sounds like that? Yeah, I would like that Yeah, they got me good they got me good my parents really got me good they actually are like they're so Catholic teachings that they're like, you know This lady was raped But she kept the baby which is good. Oh my god You're like, oh, that's good. They're like, can you imagine if she hadn't kept it? You're like, I think so No, no, no, no, no, I'm saying. Yeah, she should definitely keep it

It does seem weird in 2020 Like when there's a lot of science and stuff like we could discover that God exists at this point, you know like I feel like there'd be some evidence of this There's you know are just not yeah, well, you know what I prefer to focus on things like this women Let's cut to the chase here Women should clean up not only should women clean up women should clean up unprompted. I'm gonna tell you why Your mom's house with Tom Segura

Are You ready to step into the cool guy This guy's the coolest he's so masculine man, I want to learn why women should yeah cleaning up here We go very very simple. Oh, we live in a world where things need to be fair 50 50 gender equality blah blah I Pay for things unprompted. You don't have to ask me to pay for shit if we go for dinner I'll get my wall out pay at the end. Don't even check the price of the bill my card always works. Oh Okay, damn, honey, dude's got swag. Yo, we go to KS unprompted if you're with me Your life is effectively free. Oh everywhere you eat everywhere you go where you sleep you ain't paying for shit

You ain't getting in my car, and I'm asking you for motherfucking gas money. Oh, no, I pay for everything Instantly as a man should he seems intense, and I like it very intense And there's a lot of girls listening right now that are creaming their jeans for a guy like this They are because I gotta tell you immediately like the opening line. You're like Yeah, if somebody starts to sell the Listen, you'll never pay for anything. Yeah, then you start to go like I mean he wants something to return It's not a bad offer. It's actually not a bad deal. I kind of let's see how it's like Fed smoker Where he's like you have scurry and your pussy doesn't stink your roses for you twat smell like roses

You just have to clean up and that's it. Well, at least in a key. Let's see where it goes So when you walk into a house and you see mess Why is your lazy ass not doing the right thing and start picking and cleaning shit up if you're sitting or going that's sexist Well, it's sexist me to fucking pay for everything. Isn't it you fucking bimbo? He seems a little angry well, it seems like a little upset You know those posts where someone's like sick of motherfuckers lying to me. Yeah, and you realize it's about one person Yes, this this looks like it. Yes This could be directed at one person. No one lady

No, it's just a generalized thing. He was sick of buying dinners for and paying for fucking hotels and flights Yeah, and she was always like oh, there's some shit on the ground. He was like, yeah, bitch pick that shit up You know, it's so funny when I jokingly like when you and I around the house Yeah, and I'll be like, yeah, you picked pick that up you fucking bitch And I'll do like the internal monologue that's in my head. It's this guy. That's in my head. Yeah, like pick up the fucking shit You dumb bitch. I mean I stupid bitch That's this guy. Yeah. Yeah, my dad is not dissimilar by the way to this man's whole philosophy Your dad just has a different approach. He's not hostile, but he's old old school European

sexist macho He he so he was dating this woman for a long time who worked. I would say 65 to 70 hours a week Yes, so she was contributing to the household. Your dad was yes both with them were no I'm saying your dad was dating. It was dating. They were living together and she was she had a great job full-time job huge Okay, and he would be so mad at her because she wouldn't cook and clean around the house And he would he was not working at the time though, right? That's that's the best part And he we would be over there and you know when people like to humiliate their spouse in front of guests

So it's a nice tactic. It's the worst and he would always be like, I mean come on She can't bring me like a a plate of salami some cheese nothing How about a beer? You could at least bring me a beer some some well, he was like, why doesn't she ask me how my day was? He was retired Like your days are great, bro. You're not doing anything. Yeah, he was doing the fucking show Yeah, he was uh Oh, that was special man. He was he was really in the end of that. If you get a cough, please leave me the room. I'm sorry But my dad was totally like that like old school

She's better cook. She better clean and and get a rainbow tattoo on your arm. What is this rainbow? He said that a snake rainbow. It's like a yeah, it's a rainbow. He says that to me once you're uh, he was like, you know Like make me something make me something sandwich. She was like, I'm sorry. I've been working all day. He was like so I've been here come here and take care of me. Uh, yeah, it was pretty awesome It's real. Oh my god. It's real and I love by the way like I know I hate when people are like so woke that they don't think that that shit exists in the world like Oh my god, how can you say that? Uh, lots of guys feel this way. A lot of guys. This is not when you walk into a crazy

You see mess. Okay. Now when I say this girls go, I don't like cleaning No problem. If you don't like cleaning here, how about this? I'll clean when I say I'll clean I mean, I'll hire someone else to clean. Anyway, I'll get the house clean And you pay for everything. Oh, how about that? Oh, no, you can't do that either Can you because you're a fucking moron and you realize that making money is a much harder than getting some fucking dishes washed Wow, he's really mad at the ex. He's fired up at her. Yeah, Samantha fucked up. What did she do? she She didn't pick up. She didn't clean up and she also

took His generosity for granted. That's really what it is. That's really what this is. That's what it is He is mad that this this ex or maybe it's more than one We're like he obviously has a nice home. He makes good money. He paid for everything and uh This chick just was like So you know what it is she Fucked another guy. Well, probably. Yeah, that's always what ends up happening left him for another guy who's got better More money bigger better. Not necessarily. You don't think no, I don't think so. I mean the cheating could have happened

It's regardless of those circumstances. I'm saying that It's not necessarily because somebody was bigger and better He's still fired up that you know, he's fired up at that that money was wasted He he sees that as wasted funds. You think so? Absolutely. She didn't appreciate that He's he's like remembering I took you to this restaurant and that I took you to fucking, you know Rome and I took you on that vacation. I got that dresser with all those gold records on it Like you wanted me to get I got I paid for all that shit and I still remember that you couldn't wash a plate You know, but you don't care. Okay, but here's the deal man

And you and I know this from being together for a million years. Yeah the dishes in the sink don't bother nobody If everything else is cool, you know what I'm saying like yeah If your dick is getting milked regularly and I feel valued and the house everything else is in harmony You don't care about who's picking up. What? Well, yeah, they didn't have a great relationship. Obviously. Obviously. Yeah No, it's it's not just about the mess and get a cleaning. It's other things. It's other things But it's other things the other thing really is her lack of gratitude. He sees it as a lack of a lack of and that's the issue It's not the cleaning up because he could have hired a cleaning lady, right? It's yes She she was ungrateful and she left and that's what he's interpreting that as you were just ungrateful because he's such a narcissist

He can't see that he was he had anything to do with her leaving. He looks so intense. So intense. He's so fired up I love it. Yeah, then you're gonna realize what real work is because to pay for shit Is much more difficult than keeping a house generally tidy I mean a generally pleasant female to be around fucking lazy That's the word we live in now females are entitled and fucking lazy In fact, all people are lazy entitled. I hate everyone equally. Don't come at me and call me sexist or racist Oh, I hate everyone. I don't care if you're black white straight gay man and woman. I hate you anyway I hate everybody exactly the same same universal hate. So I'm a very fair person

Oh Boy, what a joy to be around. I can't imagine why she left This guy's got good vibes. Good vibes only Yeah, I mean, of course she left you're raging inside. He is raging gosh I feel like this is a fresh video. Like she just left like, you know, I mean yesterday And he's like, I hate the world He's so pissed off man, but I make something very very clear to my females you have a choice Either you can pay for my 300 dollar steak

Or you can make sure that I have a nice coffee in the morning and that cop ain't sitting around with some fucking coffee stained Bullshit my house is nice and clean Pristine the way it should be and I'll ensure that we're living a good life because I've got more dollars than balls And I got a whole bunch of balls for you stupid ass hose Wow, I don't even understand that. I don't know that's just when your anger takes over you start speaking nonsense I got more money than balls and I got bigger balls. You just fuck you. All right That's what that was Gibberish angry. Yeah

Really really fucking psycho What's the accent? He's like trying to cover up a kiwi. He has some yeah, yeah Something going on. Yeah, there's something going on Something's going on. He's gonna regret posting this one day for sure. Uh, you know who else would not like who like This would be unsettling for someone you do business with right like if you're like I do I I know I'm a whatever import-export guy with this guy I would see this be like, I don't know if we can fucking now rick is unstable. Yeah rick

This guy's not a rick But he is fucking unstable for sure. Damon so angry. He could be a daemon. Yeah, he could be a daemon. Yeah What is his life? He's so hate. He hates his mom. God Yeah, I know Jesus just so upset females are entitled and fucking lazy. That's true. Oh my god Remember that couple we used to live next door to please tell everybody the story This was okay. Oh, I remember, you know, this is uh, 2012 I remember specifically we just started to like Started to make a living doing stand-up and podcasting meaning like, you know

We are paying our bills and we are we we had moved and we were renting a guest house in the south bay and our neighbor We live in a guest that's a In back of a regular house and our neighbor has like this beautiful big house, right? this I don't know like five but beautiful house and our little guest house

Is like a thousand nine hundred square feet um And that's like bedroom kitchen bathroom everything and then It it borders their pool Right, so we like every morning this guy would jump in the pool to wake up A cannonball So you would wake up with him and you'd hear him clear snot rockets out of his

He would right right by our bedroom window Her this guy was probably hated him so much. This is seven years ago, right? So I was like 33 and uh right before we had ellis we were living there. I had ellis and we lived in that house. That's right Yeah, so and then he was he was probably 50 right maybe like 52 um And he was an outgoing Successful guy, uh, but also like a party like outgoing like party personality. He'd be like Come over for the cue dog and I'm like that was his exact phrase and we moved in

He's like come over we're having a cue and he did this gesture and tom and I were like what Because at heart we're silver lakers like we're east siders But we move clear near to the beach because we love the ocean And so we were not really meant for that culture and beach culture a lot of people who like to live in that area Are partiers like they waking up getting ripped and that's what everyone in our neighborhood would do It's just like day drink and go to the beach It's a very it's a very booze like the beach communities are booze bag They're drinkers. Yeah, so

You know, I'm social with him. I'm like friendly enough, you know, I say hi We have short conversations. Usually it's like you're pulling in your driveway. You see him and and uh, So one day he's like, you know, we're like, what are you doing tomorrow? And so we're just hanging out. He's like, why don't you guys come over? We're gonna have a little grill And you know just swim or whatever and I go which we never did before like we're strictly Antisocial yeah, and we thought you know what we're trying to be normal people Let's try to meet neighbors because we're in this new community

So he invites us over and we do it. We do it and the other neighbors by the way, there's another set of neighbors that also come Um, so so we're all over there. It's like six seven of us And I remember first I was I remember I remember certain, you know, I remember conversations verbatim sometimes I remember this dude He's grilling and I'm standing there talking to him and you must be talking to uh, uh, I remember the conversation I had with the alumia. So first he um, he has this big ass jar Of weed and he's like smell this man and I was like, oh smells good and he's like, yeah

He's like, you ever want a piece of this? Just let me know and I was like, okay Um, and he's on the grill and he's like, uh, would you make this year? And I was like, what? And he's like, what'd you make and I I tell him I'm like, uh, I guess this and he's like, here's what I want you to do I was like, okay He was I want you to go to uh buy a rental property in uh, Boise, Idaho And I go, okay. He's like that market's gonna Blow I remember that I remember that like vividly, which it has grown Exponentially since he told me should listen to him. Yeah. Um, so I remember that and I was like, okay, cool

He's like, it's gonna do this and that and So then you know, we he grills up. He's really nice. Okay. He's he's super friendly social kind of guy uh jovial Then we go into their big beautiful house And we sit at their dining table beautiful home and I've never been inside a house that nice I'm sitting on the side of the table and his uh, or Christina sitting next to me And then the other neighbors are across the table and then at either end the ends of the table Are the wife who's to my left?

And he is to my To the far end to the right, right? They're sitting at the ends of the table. What are their names each other? It's a jenny and rick so We're sitting there and he had grilled up steaks. It's very nice afternoon kind of barbecue thing And literally as he he plates and gives it to us. She goes, are you gonna eat all that? You're getting so fat And I was like

What we all we're like, well, first of all, it's just kind of it's kind of crazy. Secondly This dude and this stuff's all over the house was a college swimmer Um with a like so the photos of him in college are obviously 30 years old With and he's a ridiculous. I mean you ever seen a swimmer like they have amazing bodies All he looks like is a guy that used to swim competitive like he looks like He's I don't know 10 pounds 20 pounds, maybe he's good-looking. It was a good looking good looking with like a good like solid body

And I was like, are you calling him fat? I go, I would kill to look like yeah, he goes. Thank you, tom He's like, uh, Jesus. She goes, well, you should have seen what he used to look like. It doesn't look like this now Yeah, I can't believe how much you eat And he puts his fork down. He goes, do you like your life, jenny? Yes And we're all like we're just like Tom and I look at each other like no, uh, dude

He goes, you like it. You like your life and she was like, yeah, he's like Well, I like my life too. Okay He's just like fucking aggressively cuts into a steak and then she's holding a glass of wine She's like such an asshole and she just fucking downs her wine. I was like, oh and My god, and it's worth noting that jenny didn't exactly take good care of herself Uh, no, he was a looker by by far and jenny's daily routine that he was referring to what she liked doing I'm telling you this broad would wake up around 10 a.m

Walk down to the neighbor to my left Who was also a stay-at-home lady type with no kids like they weren't raising They're just stay-at-home ladies and then they would crack open a bottle of white Chardonnay and then chardonnay and rose all day together and just go down to the beach and do whatever so like She wasn't going to Pilates. Yeah, I know some women stay home, but they maybe they keep themselves in shape They're taking care of the children. They're doing this bitch did nothing. No nothing Not a damn thing And from this day that was how many years ago. Yeah, that was seven

Yeah, seven eight years. Well every now and then tom and I will bring it back and like you like your life jenny If she ever gives me any shit about anything I'll like you like your life jenny you like it here Choke about do you like your life jenny? Huh? Like where you live like your car Tom don't leave for Australia for 11 days. You like your life jenny. There you go I mean, can you imagine being that mean to your spouse in front of strangers? That's the part that's that was the craziest part It's one thing to say people say things in their lives. You never know what they say, but in front of people you're like That was such a weird neighbor. They weren't they weren't mortified that it took place like you know

I mean like it was over and then they were like So, uh, you guys are comedians. I'll have what's that like? They were just right back to it back and on because we I had a neighbor one time when we lived in that neighborhood Go, you know, we all we're all so close to each other You're gonna hear us fucking and fighting and I was like wow and literally we would hear people Yeah, baffing and other nighting. Oh, you've had an had a son Lady and ex-wife and he would call the ex-wife and just Just sit in the backyard

Out and out in the backyard in the yard in a chair and just verbally berate this woman Yeah, and then he's like no and I'll tell you that thing is that our son's becoming a fucking pussy because of you You want a fucking pussy son? I was like Jesus, man, like screaming it in the yard Why people you know money doesn't buy you class That's for sure because I would say we had classier neighbors when we lived in the rampart division 100 100 percent class here. Nice. How about that? Yeah, how about that? Yeah Yeah No, and I thought I had made the mistake in assumption that people with money were nicer in class

I was like, oh, I'm sure we got to try to be nicer and I was like these people are fucking trash You know my favorite thing about living in the rampart division was that I did stand up on bet on a bet show and One of the guys not not just in the building on my hall like four doors down was a producer on that and uh We'd seen each other in the laundry room. They had like the coin laundry room And then I saw him the day of the taping and he was like yo man. I was like, hey I was like fucking this is crazy and then I saw him in the

Apartment building like in the laundry room after we filmed it. I was like, hey man, uh, because this is like when The main thing like if you did stand up anywhere you go, can I get This tape like can I get the footage? I go I go. Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you How can I get a copy of the the set that I did on on the show and he was like, yeah, I don't know man And I was like what? I was like, he's like, I don't know it's gone and I go but you produced it and he was like I don't know I could uh You could call like somebody else. I like wouldn't they tell me to call you?

And he was like, I don't know how to get it and he just was like, I can't help you. No, so weird Why he was like because I just that's not what I do. I'm like, but don't you know somebody? Over there that could like It'd be like if someone's like, can you help me get a copy of your appearance on your mom's house? I was like, you could talk to one of the I don't know anybody over there You could talk to one of those guys Can you give me their numbers? I'd be like, I don't know. I mean just go to your mom's house podcast instead of email or something See if someone responds. That's what he did to me. I was like, okay. Good to see you man. He was a nice guy too

I liked until I asked him for a tape But man I gotta tell you one of the greatest achievements in our lives was when we moved from the rampart division to silver lake And we got remember when we bought our very first laundry machines Yeah, and that that to me. I think you're sears and we put it on the sears credit card And it took years to pay off But that was the first step into adulthood adult buying your own laundry when you don't have to use quarters to clean your clothes You know, you fucking made it as an adult actually really is it changes everything

Yeah, dude, I remember it to the same guy one time. I took his shit out of the dryer Oh, that's a big faux pas in that part of the complex if you leave your shit in the dryer Fine, but if you leave it there for like 30 40 50 minutes Nah, nah, bro Especially in that complex because there was only one washer and one dryer for our whole floor Right or for our half of the floor. No shut up. Yeah, there's only washer dryer on like three five What I didn't know that that's true. Look speaking of nice. I want to tell you something. Nice guys So

In the past we have made jokes sometimes about my friend Bert Kreischer I think that's how you say it um Recently we were doing uh jokes about his

um dental situation And then I did a fucking I did two podcasts. I did one Two bears and then I was doing rogan And he told like the most Like just depressing Real story about how insecure he feels about his teeth And it made me feel really badly. Did he tell the baseball story? Yeah. Yeah, but he also told like just Details surrounding it and how it's always been

This issue for him and it got me thinking, you know We've we've had people tell birdies fat tell him to fix his teeth You know dial back to drinking stop being racist Stop stabbing asians like all the things that and then I was like, you know Why don't we switch it up? How about we do a nice burt campaign and here's what i'm saying Go to burt's page go to his instagram. Oh shit and

How about you give him some compliments and if you're like about what about things that are great about him number one He has nice eyes He has pretty good shoulders. Yeah, his shoulders are good. Uh, he has a nice hands You could be like you have nice hands. Your fingers are nice. Yeah Um, he's got that's that rogue Eyelash, that's kind of a neat thing. You have a long lucky eyelash. Yeah Uh, your ears look normal He has nice colored eyes. I started with that pretty yeah

You said i'm sorry. I didn't hear that. You have pretty eyes. I was struggling to think of my own compliments. Um, you uh You've she have cool shoes. He keeps his cars clean. Your cars are clean. You have nice dogs Very nice. You're a good dad That's not you're a dad, right? Your um Your wife is stellar. Yeah, you really lucked out with your wife lucked out I he's a good cook You're a good cook. His brisket is off the chain. That's true. He's a really good cook

um, you're uh Yes, smart your he picks his nose a lot. You pick your nose a lot and that's Encouraging to me Just look for nice. Tell him those nice things and let's do a lift him up. You have cool hats You always have original hats because you don't have great hair But leave out the hair part. Just say like oh man, you have really cool hats You're on social media too much but say I enjoy your social media And uh, just try to lift up lift up his spirit. Yeah, we we have to go on a

Per a burt positive affirmations campaign. You know, I was on twitter the other day I when I took my flight to mom's den at 7 a.m. Er And I thought of you immediately because I boarded the plane and it reeked of booze So I knew somebody was already booze bagging it up And I sat down and it was the woman next to me and she was like petite I would say five five weighed 130 maybe and she'd already been boozing that up

I was like, this is gonna be nuts and she ordered on a two and a half hour flight For vodka and sodas 7 a.m. It's alarming. I was like it always I mean like look this stuff is delicious No, that's probably the only thing you could get me to drink at 7 a.m But when you sit next to the 7 a.m. Er, who's just like, oh, just keep the whiskies coming and you're like And you're going like it's a it's a Wednesday and you're just flying You know, I mean you're flying to Dallas or something and you're like just getting ready for the meeting Well, and that's a thing because if it were a flight to like the Bahamas

Or Hawaii, I'd be like, all right, you know what girl? It's 7 a.m. But you're about to vacation. We were going to Austin It's not a vacation destination. Really. Yeah, she was on a work trip because I saw her like call a lot. Yeah, dude Four a lot four and in the altitude, you know, how it affects you even more and it's a small and it And that thing is I think I believe I asked you like how did it affect her? You're like fine fine Yeah, would not and I gotta tell you she didn't look like a drunk this woman was put together She was an athleisure wear She was not talking to me or being chaotic like you would never know like she's that hardcore Whenever I sit next to those people, I just want to go tell me about your demons me too

What are you running from? Yeah me too. I very much, but then I was like I also want to write jokes for my sets Yeah, I don't really give a shit about you lady. It's pretty impressive. It was crazy. Um, you know fart simpson Do I I'm a huge fan last week. We got to hear that amazing rpc call This week. I have from him a new prank call. Oh that he did with josh potter where He has josh Call a sex therapist. Oh my god. It's pretty. Oh my god. Oh brilliant. I'm a Uh his premises are always good. Good morning. May I help you? Hey, hey, hey, what's up, michael?

Hello, may I help you? Uh, well, I can function sexually except for the punctuation point which is finishing Without the aid of myself I see. I'm not affected by rejection anymore. I don't think you got anything to worry about. I am a harry guy Not that harry. Why don't you think I don't need to fall in love? I would prefer to just jizz inside dudes You know, it's more than I really want to hear. I love to be gay and I get a boner from a dude Um, I'm taken but thank you. If you're friend zoning me. I know right away. Yeah Okay, so

Is there anybody else that might be able to help you like, you know, um the guys in those clean white coats? I totally get your first impression. Obviously a creepy vibe is what I put off Okay, so Did you escape recently? Yes. Did you did you take advantage of a day path? Yeah, I mean, what's the point right exactly Okay, so where should I tell them to come pick you up now? I don't know that I got big dick b dick over here. You know what I'm saying Okay, you know, I try not to talk trash talk like that. It's a new year

I guess I I I might be gay. You can go any way you like you just said at lgbt Okay, you can throw a cue in there. I know isn't this wild Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Now that's that's going a little bit deeper than I plan to uh, I have to go pretty deep Yeah, well, um Yeah, I guess it all depends on what you're packing But anyway, listen my wife's here. So I gotta try to act normal You'd be impressed with my dick like you'd be like, whoa. Okay. Yeah, again, that's probably a little bit more than I'm Really up for but thank you. I have sex and they're hot. I'm like, oh my god. This is awesome

I definitely don't want to wear condom Okay, uh, you know what I tried to put a sink in but it isn't gonna happen because the hole's too big and I don't know what you do and how do you fill it in? You're like, you know, a couple of boulders. What do you do? Yes, come come Hey, Jonathan, I'm gonna make you come now Okay, I for just for a minute. I thought I'm thinking we can speak into a real freaking perv here I'm trying to get I mean when I was 23. I uh, I fucked like a 40 something year old. She ate my bum

Um, I had the best sex in my life in my 40s. Okay, so you're not gonna get a man is constantly coming down on us sex workers Yeah, you know what I'm saying Yeah, have you ever had like a month where you're just like got so much pussy where you're just like your eyes rolling the back of your head Listen, I don't like to talk about it because people think I'm a braggart. Okay, but I've had the sex life of assault And that's all you need to know I will never write about it. I would prefer to just come when you poop Okay, now you start to scare me Um, you know, I I do have some session time open next week when I open the office again

And I highly encourage you to consider booking some of it. Uh, of course Okay, because I think what's happened is here. Um, maybe our gasket has been blown and things are kind of spilling out left and right here Yeah, hey, by the way, I wanted fuck and I fuck dudes and I've come all the time Okay, and I gotta go help with the sink. I gotta go help put the whole fucking sink back D'aw you so cute. Yeah Okay, well listen, I want to thank you for calling Ha and I gotta go now. So happy new year to you if you're ever in stl And want someone to try to make you come feel free to hit me up. I love fucking all damn day

Yeah, okay Oh man Fart Simpson. What a talent. Really the best. How does he do this? I mean, it's it's really highly skilled and like to have To actually target a sex therapist, but he like clearly got them off hours and you know, they're not having a session He hasn't ever met him and he's like, I like to fuck dudes brah And oh my he had it all. I mean, is that uh, so good exciting to hear josh when you hear yourself You know just um on a call like that Yeah, it's exciting. I've reminded of all the things I said, which is odd

Yeah, right, huh? Oh, okay. Yeah, it's kind of weird right when you hear it all cut up like that Yeah, for sure. And somebody wasn't cut up. Yeah, it was not Um, but like it was a full dialogue with that guy It was great. I thought that guy was gonna fuck me for a second I really like when they do the laughter. Yeah, josh is an appropriate That's the best part. Um speaking of that, how how how has your love life been? Talked to you in a minute. Uh, it's been pretty great going on dates. Hey, I'm trying to get that girlfriend thing What?

Really? Yeah, that's what you said to do. No, I'm super excited for you. I didn't know Yeah, I mean I'd like to get one. It's harder than just fucking apparently Um, have you been on the apps? No, I don't fuck with the apps. No No, they're not. Have you been seeing somebody regularly? No, I've been uh trying to Oh, you know like going out on dates and shit. Do you have one especially that you like?

I don't know. Really? That's a no. I don't know means no. Yeah, that's probably not So you don't have to like really file it down before you don't have one that you're like This is the one I really would like to make my girlfriend Uh, no, I don't think so. Have you had a girlfriend? Maybe Oh, no, I've had a girlfriend. Yes You've had. I was saying maybe to How long ago did you have a girlfriend? Like six years ago. Wow. And for how long did it last?

Uh, I think it was like three years. This is good. You're pursuing this because this is the territory where you could become a wag Yeah, this is the way to avoid it. That's not so bad. Weird alone guy. Weird alone guy. Yeah. Oh, I thought wag was like wife No, no Wag meaning weird alone guy. I wanted to be like an athlete's wife. I thought that's what you were saying Oh, no, no, no. I'm saying it's good that you are That you registered that it would be good to get a girlfriend and I think that pursuing it is very very You know, uh, at what age is weird alone guy? I mean, it starts from seven 40 Yeah late 30s early 40s when when the when the guy's like I haven't had a girlfriend in uh, 12 years

Yeah, once you start saying the number and it gets bigger Yeah, it's like in second grade and they're like, all right, then you go like when was the last thing your girlfriend? You're like, it was what was that movie out where the guy in the you're like, oh, you don't even know the yeah it's like we saw uh The fucking one with Sandra Bullock in space. Yeah in the theaters. That's that was the last time I had a girl How come it didn't work out with the last one Well, there's a lot of reasons for that mostly because of comedy Because she didn't what she didn't she wasn't okay with you going out at night

And all that well she after a while it was like Why aren't we hanging out on saturday? Yeah, right? Yeah, I want to come to all the shows. Oh boy. Yeah Can't be doing that, but you are you are going on dates I am I'm sure I like have you met the girls that you've been going dates what out at the shows or what? Here and there, uh Out and about in los angeles. It's a real happening city. Have you met um Any of these girls just in public nothing to do with comedy? No That doesn't happen. That's why I figured that'd be pretty difficult to make happen

Yeah, I mean I lived here a year where I went on zero dates because of that right No, it's good. I mean doing the shows and also if if someone's coming and you're showing up going on a date They at least know the world that they met you in you know, it's not exactly. Yeah, that's good. Well, I didn't know this man That's great. I want to hear more details. Maybe you can tell me more stuff later Yeah, for sure. I'd like to gather more details. I got to get out there more What kind of dates do you recommend? Definitely like if you really like someone you got to just take him to dinner man I mean, you know this this fight don't meet for coffee

Don't meet for coffee. I think that's the the stupid. It doesn't have to be five star. I'm not saying that I'm saying like, you know, like a dinner is like a grown-up thing to do where you can talk to somebody Yeah, I get to know them alcohol. You can get her a little tipsy It gets everybody loose and a dark peanut butter whiskey. Yes, but a dark restaurant like a nice italian doesn't cost a fortune I never understood the coffee date. Why would you want to tell you someone? Yeah, because it's it's cheap and it's dark usually and the wine is usually good at italian But coffee dates are the worst because your breath stinks and then you have to take a shit And you're pissing every five seconds. Why would you take someone for coffee?

Terrible. Well, italian makes me think like you got spaghetti You're definitely gonna shit. You're even fucking garlic and shit. Yeah, but both of you are so it's okay if you're frenching after that Yeah, anything. Yeah, I don't know. It's fine You don't have to order spaghetti. You can get a fish totally But Or something like that. Yeah, who doesn't like an italian nice candlelight romance Okay, do not do um hiking dates. I don't

Because then she gets all sweaty and her makeup is melty. Yeah Nothing in the daytime take a woman out at night and I like I like day drinking Oh boy. Well, if you find someone that does too, you got your trouble trouble. Here's what I'll tell you trouble go against your instincts Yeah, don't be you Um, or if you like day drinking go to a dark bar. Can you go to it? Oh, I I have plenty of those That's the thing is like if you meet a girl, it's like maybe, you know, if you're doing spots, let's say a

Saturday take her out Friday, you know, just like Have an evening out go to the cool restaurant. If you're vibing there, you're gonna go to a bar after It's a perfect way to like hang out get to know someone. I mean, this is like not a smash date Right, it's like if somebody who you're really interested in so you could end up obviously, but You want to have the you want to have the dinner first man. You want to have a good dinner or interested in her drinks and pool That's always a fun date day pool. You mean what if I suck at pool? Oh Like billiards, no billiards if you suck at pool, that's embarrassing that she's not gonna want to see you suck at something You know, yeah, I'm not gonna play pool. Yeah, don't do something you suck at

I like pool. I used to like that's how you and I did remember we go and pass that scumbag bar Yeah, smoke cigarettes drink and play pool. Yeah I don't know well so far based off what you've been telling me. I think I'm doing all right That's good. Yeah, maybe bring in your house. See if she'll fucking clean up for you in a lazy woman Stupid lazy woman stupid bitch dumb bambo dumb fucking idiot Stupid cunt especially if I pay for this shit. That's right. Yeah They're fucking ungrateful, you know females are entitled to fucking lazy. That's right. Lead with that on your date All right, um

Our guest is here We should fucking yay I'm super excited the uh one and only full Charge is in the building. Uh, we're gonna take a quick Break and we'll be right back. All right And we're back with a repeat hall of fame

friend and guest Also president of the east coast chapter of the visco girls. It is My good our good friend the full charge matt full shawls here. Hello Mommy's it's so nice to be here. It's considering where you started. Yeah, no offense to ryan red ban Yeah, no, but that house is a shithole His apartment. Yeah, whatever that was. Yeah, that was dirty. Yeah, there was there was trash around. Yeah, of course He's right. I forgot how disgusting he was back then. I think he's got a cleaning lady since right? I don't know. I don't know and no offense to him. I mean, that's where we started. Yeah

But jesus christ. I know man You're we're like our oldest dearest friend. I would say Yes, we also feel the same way about you guys. You also for what we do you always You were the most natural Fit like we have people that were friends with that, you know, you stand up then you come to the podcast and you're just like Yeah, just if I can didn't feel right, right? You're always it was never an effort from you. It was always natural Well, yeah, that was fun to discover right because we didn't really know what podcasting was. We surely didn't see it going

This far No, we had no idea our business would become amateur radio shows. Yeah You know, it's crazy too because you know, you and I are both big howard fans And I was listening to howard this morning do a bombus read And he mispronounced he said Bombos and I was talking to the radio. I go. No, it's bomb Because we have the same ad on our show, which is crazy. I know honor to even Anyways, it's pretty wild. Do you want some of this?

Speaking of sponsors. Do you want some? I love a shot of whiskey around noon I finally I finally cleaned up It's so good. I finally that's one's for full charge Drinking less and my first day in Los Angeles. There you go back to old habits. You do look great. You look slender Are you well, you're not swimming now because it's swimming laps you are aware pool in Williamsburg, brooklyn How is it cold though? Do you feel cold? No when i'm in the pool when you get out? I mean No, no, no, I mean the whole thing's uncomfortable. You've been gonna do you've been in the swimming game for a minute Yeah, I did yeah, I used to swim in the 80s and I still do it

Oh my god, right That's delicious. It's not even it doesn't it tastes like candy. You're gonna feel that later. I know I'll be hung over. Who was that? Was that your girl? That was me. I'm gonna be hung over on over top the pacific ocean tonight I'm in the I'm in the I'm in the the top by the way top tier. I'm on the double decker bus to australia Oh, where am I? I've never done that and all my days of travel. It's a big-ass plane. Wait, what do you mean? I'm never taking it. We're on a double decker. You know an action movie. Yes where I'm fighting the bad guys Yes, I'm on the top when the bad guy finally makes it up there. I'm gonna punch him in the fucking face You guys got them lay down stitches. So

Matt is um for those of you listening right now We're already there because this is coming out. But we're about to go to australia in a few hours Yeah, we're about to go in a few hours unless unless this like this bender kicks in after that first shot What if I can't find you? Yeah, I know I'm at the airport and like where's Matt now hold on Dude, are you going lax straight to melbourne? Okay, because don't if I was going to say if you stop in atlanta don't have atlanta. That's the other way. Oh, sorry Yeah, you're going the other way around. I forgot. I forgot. Yeah, Tom. I'm in atlanta. I'm like, why are you atlanta?

Sorry, I forgot you go that way But um, it's a long slide. This is good advice. Sorry. This is good advice. Just watch what you eat tonight We're gonna have you over so we're gonna make sure to make a very neutral meal because I had tacos before we flew to afro Which was a huge fight and I sharded for the first time lax tacos. Yeah, no atlanta talks No, okay. Sorry heartsfield jackson airport. Thank you. Yeah Yeah, they're all the same on the other ends which we found out Right, so I'm just suggesting bringing a spare pair of panties on your carry on Okay, and maybe I'll just put on the diapers anyway because I do have a window seat

Oh, man. This is so exciting. It's exciting. It's a maze But you've been so you've been on the east coast. We haven't seen you in a while. I've been on the east coast since march two years ago And I like it a lot. You know, I was here forever I still I still love I still got love for LA but you're an east coaster. I'm not one of these people that did fucking trash talks Los angeles. Yeah, I hate that shit. It's been good to me. Yeah, you know, do you love it though? You love new york. I love it man because you know, I hate driving. Yeah, you'll remember when my car got wrecked and I just said Well, I'm not buying a new car. I do remember like I fucking hate driving here. I'm from a small town in maryland

It's always alien to me. Yeah, it's always weird to me to drive to drive in this kind of traffic Yeah, and your brain can't compute it your brain's just going. Why are we sitting in traffic? We should be walking It drives me a little nuts. Yeah, I have a feeling I'll end up back here at one point I like to be ass back officially. Oh hollywood. Oh if you don't mind I've been your side bitch for a while. I'm with you on that too. Why don't you make me a real woman? Yeah, an honest woman Los angeles Like you don't have to get on me, but fucking pop the question. You know what I'm saying? Right? Yeah, right? Yeah, yes So you've been swimming in Williamsburg. I've been swimming

Podcasting I got a new podcast and an old podcast. You have tuna road heads Uh that me and louis cats do it's about travel Which I'll have all kinds of new stories About to have in two weeks Going to two new countries a whole new continent. That's right It's on fire. We're gonna tear it up. It's just literally on fire. These shows will be fire Yeah, I know you were there was concerned that you may not go over there because of the situation The day I was about to ask this is a thing is like I had I'd canceled twice. Yeah, and then the news

Starts to become bigger and bigger story. They're like australia and then they're showing you the graphics It just looks like the whole country's on fire. It's just like it's a one big fire Yeah, I was like no Yeah, and then the morning I was it was the morning that I was I was I was literally opening my phone to type to my agent Hey With the situation there is that going to affect the shows? Yeah, and I opened the phone opened the email And it says australia in the subject line and I open it. Yeah, it's from him

He had forwarded an email from the promoter who preemptively was like hey in case you're wondering Yeah, the fires are not a problem. Right all the shows are going to go on. Don't even think about yeah Well, well, first of all first of all tickets are sold bro. First of all, this is three strikes Yeah, for you unfortunately and also like I fell for your shit this morning I was checking my twitter with the sound off and I saw the heartbreak and I saw the sad little tommy face And I'm like, oh, I guess we're not going John Lennon's lost weekend out here for a full charge. What a dick. Look at this acting job. He did pretty good It's really sound off at least. Yeah

Australia um first of all You know, I I'm definitely heartbroken about what you guys have been going through with the fires and uh I know from having gone through fires out here in California. It's it's totally devastating and um, you know, I hope You can rebuild quickly It's embarrassing that I have to do this, uh A third time but I um

I'm gonna be canceling this tour I'm not I'm not I'm excited. I'm gonna get on a plane tonight. I'll see you guys real soon love If you are gonna cancel it, you should bagel boss it like hey I'm not minimum bagel boss like you're gonna make it to the fire. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, Australia It's not my dick Fuck you guys. What was that jet landing in the background? It wasn't a house. Why was it lax hilton? I was uh I coordinated that I I'd actually texted a pilot friend of mine to fly by

God, yeah Yeah, I used to live by lax and that's what oh my god All the time and you know, you're like sometimes you can't sleep before a flight Yeah, and I could still hear I could hear the noises calling me full charge Have you ever overslept for a flight? I almost knocked on wood, but it's an evening flight tonight. Uh Uh No, I've never the the worst I ever the latest I ever was to a flight because I get there seven hours early

Yeah, because I have one job in this business be there on time Yes, and then a secondary second job do your time, but um The latest I was was when me and you worked in charlotte and that guy bullshitted me and I knew he was bullshitting me he said he was they they they They had some guy some like waiter or something They're like you're gonna drive matt to the airport and you can tell he didn't want to I remember that and the fucking manager didn't want to even coordinate it He was like, you know people who work in comedy clubs don't like working up waking up at 7 a.m

Matt and I'm like people that do comedy don't like waking up at 7 a.m I go don't worry about it. I'll take an uber. He's like nah nah I'll do it for you. That's right. I'll coordinate it for you And you could tell the waiter he picked us up to drive us to the club You could tell he didn't want to do it. He didn't give a guy bullshitted me up to the last minute. I'm on my way I'm on my way. I'm on my way. He's five minutes late. He's 10 minutes late. I'm on my way I'm in traffic. I'm on my way and then I had to get an uber last minute in charlotte, north carolina It's not like los angeles. Yeah, well, there's eight million out of work actors driving ubers. Yeah, they're 30 minutes away

Yeah, and I just barely fucking made it there. That's the only time I that dude just did you go like don't even sweat it, man I'm I'm in an uber now. No, there's no don't even sweat it about it Yeah, it was like you fucked me and I let the club know he fucked me Um not to really screw that guy over just more like takes it a manager like hey Dick head. Yeah, don't tell me if you can't do it. I have an uber app I live in the 21st century Somebody even higher up than him called me and reimbursed me for the uber. Oh, that's good So I'll give him that. Yeah, but everybody under him can suck my dick. Yeah

Yeah Well, that's so terrible to tell somebody you're gonna do it and then not do it But that guy was late all week. Remember like he would show up with a seat like practically totally recline like oh Hey, I'm supposed to pick you two up. Yeah, weird. I didn't give a shit. I had a club owner One of the small clubs who was real fired up all week. He had somebody quit. He was yelling at employees in front of me Oh, I know who exactly how this is because you're always fucking around. What do you point in their face? Oh, yeah And scream did he punch a hole in the wall? Yes? I know exactly But I'm trying not to you know, sure sure

That's a dick giveaway But there is always a punch in every green room wall. So that's really not a dick giveaway But he was he was super fired up and I go, you know the flights in the morning really early This place and he's like, I'll pick you up and I was like, are you sure I can just coordinate? He's like, I'll pick you up He picks me up and we start talking and then he starts ranting. He's just like, you know Because I tell you this is fucking bullshit, man. He keeps talking to me and he's just like on a rant and after like A little while I'm like

How far is the airport? He's like, ah fuck I got distracted talking to you and I drove past So I was like, oh my god. My bad, dude. I'm like, how far past he's like way past it I got I don't know what the fuck is going on with me this morning, man Because he's so fired up, you know, so we had to get off turn around on a freeway and drive You know, I don't know. I barely made that flight. Yeah, I only slow over. I only missed a flight once And I because I'm fat It was we were living in

The south bay down in the bro And what happened was I had a I I don't like alarm. I used my phone alarm for waking up a lot Yeah, I don't like in a startling wake up. Sure. So I'll go for the softer ones. Uh, dangerous Yeah, this is like you're soothing. You're like your mom's voice. Yeah Time to wake up Yeah, I don't want like people who have uh, like a european ambulance sound to wake them up. You know, I was like, yeah My alarm's so bad. My cat turned it off one time Like this is fucking awful. Just started hitting it like it's awful. Yeah

So I had the alarm set It has gone off but at the time I was sleeping with a small Fan on the nightstand. That's why I blame being fat. I thought you meant a little girl you'd met at the club When you go to small fan big fan, tom. Yeah big fan A smaller I go up there sit here and watch me sleep So the sound of the fans, which I love the sound of a light. Yeah, I know you're so round out the noise of the light Alarm. Oh my god. So I actually when I woke up. I was like, oh my god. Like, you know that super panic. Uh-huh and uh

You took me to the airport. I don't remember. I was supposed to get you took me to the airport And I just missed the cut. Oh Mother I was mortified and so I had to get on the the next flight. I still made it in time But it was there's no Worse feeling than that man like oversleeper missing the connection By just a cut hair too when you got to do a show that night. You're like, fuck That's that's less that's less your fault though. So it doesn't feel as bad when I work with tom one time in nyak new york we left at um

it was a red eye and we were supposed to go to colombus ohio for connecting flight and The plane landed and the pilot goes Welcome to indianapolis indiana and only me and one other guy were like, what the fuck Everybody else was fine. Even though we're supposed to go to columbus. Oh, no, and I spent the rest of the day Trying I missed the show

Yeah, and I left at midnight. So was it to make an eight o'clock show and you got on the wrong flight? They landed at the wrong airport. What and acted all cool about it Like welcome Don't shit your pants. Why did they go to the you're exactly where you need to be? Why did they go to the wrong airport? You'll see how this works out. Uh, what? Weather some kind of weather. They got rerouted. Bullshit. Okay. They got rerouted and then We're left to deal with it and the people of nyak were very disappointed that night. Yeah, of course. Damn, dude That sucks

That's never happened to me. Yeah, total. I've had like there's no plane You're gonna take a bus to this location in the middle of winter. I've had you're gonna spend the night in detroit twice Do you like detroit? Do you want to sleep here? Go ahead. Oh, chicago. Fuck. Oh hair. You'll get fucked there I've spent the night in detroit. Yeah, we have together one time. I well, yeah, we did it together one time I did alone where they were like you are we landed and it was late And they're like the the connecting flight is canceled. So you guys will be on the first Hate that so everybody this everything's on the plane at the gate like we're all off the plane They're like, so where are we staying tonight? And they're like, yeah, you'll have to and find your own hotels and people got

So upset mob. Yeah, they started screaming. They're like actually we'll take care of the hotel. Yeah They have that ability. Yeah, they do I stated, uh, I try to fly standby out of o'hara one time in july Eric Eric Wendell from my podcast review reviewer. He used to work at united airlines. And so he had companion passes And so you could fly standby And it just did not work. I watched 30 flights take off without me Uh, and I just I spent the night there and I finally this is before Shit all you want on the iphone in the modern technology. I had I was so broke. I had to get a cab out to chicago

To deposit a check. Oh, and I'm like saying to the cab driver. I'm like, listen, I'm surprised even went for it I'm like, I can pay you when we get to the bank But it's going to take like, you know, 10 minutes for me to deposit the check And then so I had to go into chicago and also he was trying to he was trying to school me So we're passing bank of america's on the um On the highway. I'm like, there's one. He's like, no, I'm going to the one I know, you know So we went all the way into the city fair run I deposited a check. I paid him. I went back and I bought a ticket on like, uh, an internet terminal like like, uh, like, uh,

You know $3.99 a minute. Holy yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That was just to get out of chicago. That was to get out of chicago And it was so funny because I was working in columbus and I got out of columbus. No problem You know, like like the companion pass worked. No problem. Yeah, of course speaking and then stuck at o' hair. Oh, hair has never been the same for me It's always a sad sad place. Oh, here's a nightmare. Yeah, here's a nightmare speaking of chicago. Have you ever seen this before? A team won a contest to design a sticker honoring chicago's men and women in uniform But now the city says it won't use the design after all because they think it shows gang signs Here is a look at the drawing. You can see several hands pictured above a heart

Once I say those hands are displaying a well-known gang signal the devastated team says that's completely untrue If I don't think that's fair, I tried the best I can That'll have nothing Why why would it why wouldn't our design doesn't have nothing to do with no games Nothing City leaders say they haven't decided whether to let the team keep the thousand dollar bond he won for winning that is so dumb It's gang members. Don't cry First of all, first of all, second of all, why would they why would why would they fucking hear that shit?

That's so fucking cruel Hey, you want to contest everybody at high school thinks you're a fucking pussy. Oh congratulations. It's real. It's ruined that kid's life Yeah, I mean, but it is enjoyable Meanwhile is wearing gang attire city leaders say they haven't decided whether to let the team keep the thousand dollar bond He won for winning the sticker podcast. What up? Oh my god, that poor bastard. I know I feel so bad for him I mean that could have happened in my day as a kid because it is the news Yeah, but this shit. I mean, we're talking about it on the podcast now. This poor bastard

This is his whole fucking life I know that could have just aired and gone away and then we had to redo it and it comes from a moment of victory Yeah, yeah, he won the contest this is his biggest moment. No offense in his own career And like now it's the biggest moment in his life Yeah, he's a guy that cried because he wasn't a gang member and now he's gotta join a gang just to prove that He could get fucked and you know, they do that It's so sad Do they do that? They do and my day was beaten in it. Yeah. Well, they they that's that's the more, you know, kind of

Reputable way to kind of do a new gang policy Me and tom are obsessed with cypress sale in case you don't know If you're wondering what we're up to overseas It's sitting in a small green room and he's be real and i'm send dog Send dog has to tag that's how much trouble we're into. Okay. Good. I'm like, where's the coffee? Where's the coffee motherfucker? We do it all day. It's funny. That's good. Well, you'll have a good time. Yes. It is. We're gonna be a lot of fun Tom's gonna be downstairs and i'm gonna be upstairs and we're still gonna be doing it

Well, the motherfucking playing you Uh By the way That's right. They always do insane got no brain cypress. How car is cypress hill chorus That's how it works. There's your formula 20 years running send out 25 years Everything hit formula. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you should do that with his punch lines. I should I should hype man him Yeah, that would be awesome. It would be great. I'm I'm a born hype man Remember when I used to hype man my own jokes? Yeah, like this is what I'm born to do

Yeah, like I'm the joke sniper. I should just be there every once in a while It shouldn't be no doing the whole fucking I should just be the side guy Dude, we could even like imagine like if it was uh, if I hit a really like a big Punchline a pause break and then as I hit it and you know people are laughing rocking you come out You're like, that's what the fuck I'm talking about that joke. Yeah. Yeah shit talking about airplane peanuts You know what I mean? That's right. Motherfuckers time's talking about the new shit that no other comics are talking about original 2020 motherfucker And then I'm out. Yeah, and it's only one time

Yep, and everybody talks about it forever and like because we can't do it every time No, the surprise is most of it. This is a really good idea. I mean, it's a great idea tried in australia Um, you know what's from australia that we haven't even looked at here What's that? I've always been a big fan. You know this too of Coaches that are Unreasonably angry. Yeah over the line crossing that's so sad to me. That's so sad to me. I feel bad for the god They're just kids. It's true even when they're even when they're 20. I mean to me. That's a kid now Oh, yeah, of course it is and that's the thing is that it's you know, it's unreasonable because they're playing sports

Yeah, but in the moment they get so worked up And it's still amusing that you're like, you're this mad about the game. I know, you know, you're this To the mighty red this is why I started skateboarding No coach. Yeah, right getting yelled at sucks, man. Fuck getting yelled at. Yeah, it's the worst You get yelled at a school all day long Then you go to fucking practice afterwards and you get yelled at Spits flying out of the goddamn coach's mouth and then he tries to act like he's a good guy in math class the next day Right. Fuck you man. I only had one psycho coach and um

like I had I had coaches who we loved Uh, who get upset and you'd never be like whatever But I had one who came in as a dick and that was his lane Right, we just to this day. I'd be like a piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. He was like this Meanwhile, look how much exercise he's doing. I know it looks like shit It does look like what sport his blood pressure is like 160 over one panel looking at here. Are there sleeveless basketball?

I don't know. They're children. They're children. It'd be funny. It's gymnastics Up Oh, it's rugby. Oh, you are Australian There should be rebuttal in in team sports like locker room talk like one of the players should get to be Get up and be like you peg your pants. You fattish. You can't even do five push-ups Fuck you only do a place that you taught us your piece of shit Yeah, well, isn't that the irony that he's in charge. He's the leader. So it's all accountabilities on him So he should be yelling at himself. He can't even do a jumping jack. Yeah, that's so

Fuck Wouldn't it be funny if the kid from that did the art that when the contest was in there crying too Like he's just got no luck like every day every moment of his day. So No It's my rugby team side I don't even know I don't I know it's out there. I don't even want to hear send dog talk like a regular person No, I know, please don't send it to me. No, I've seen I don't want to see the dog behind the curtain Sorry

He's so he's doing that fat guy tippy toe walk Why do fat guys walk on their tippy toes? That's called exercise. Yeah fat guys get like really happy about their calves Like yeah, but check out my calves. Yeah, I do. I've seen some real Impressive, I know I know because they're holding up that all day. Yeah It's a lot By the way, is this the level of comprehension I'm gonna have This week because I don't know what the fuck he's saying. I just know he's angry. No This dude, he's a fired up Aussie right now. Okay. Good. No, you're gonna be you're gonna understand. Okay. Good this

What He did the thing too like in that in the earlier clip where you don't normally see that in locker rooms where he Individually called people. Yeah, and Matt you fucking suck. Yeah, it's like no. Usually it's like a team lecture Yeah, like we got to get our shit together. Yeah, he went up to this dude and went up to this guy dude, I remember one time I was on the swim team and uh, my coach was actually bitching us all out And I didn't understand the rhetorical question. I was too young. I was like eight He goes, does anybody have a problem with that? And I'm like Like I thought I thought like I thought that was a part of the thing like I'm supposed to have an attitude too

That's hilarious. It was horrific. I hate team sports. No, I do too. I'm not a fan. Um, where's my uh, I'm with you tennis Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe you're one guy. This is what now I swim without a coach I don't get as much done, but I'm happier. It's good. It's like if you don't like being yelled at swimming laps Swimming swimming laps alone. Yeah The only person yelling at you is you also in the sports lane. We haven't done this in a long time You know what I'm saying, you know playing uh, there was a couple weeks ago big time You know, I'm saying interview at halftime of a game. I'm more Mitch. You know what I'm saying? So

I do know what you're saying. This is from the you're on a car just a heads up Our kid's doctor is gonna call me in like 15. Put them on and I gotta put them on. All right. You want to hear about the crew? Yeah, here we go You know, Kyle Shanahan says he goes with the guy who's got the hot hand. Why do the hot hand belong to you today? Um, you know, I'm saying we we we practice so hard. We work so hard, you know, I'm saying And things just just worked out. You know, I'm saying all the backs they work hard all the backs they they they fight hard And um, you know, I'm saying any any one of us can be in there and make plays You heard of ankle weights. I got neck weights

Kevin Coleman and shout out to danny brown who named his album, you know, I'm saying and said that we were part of the inspiration Here's a super cut from the whole interview Um, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying, and um, you know, I'm saying, you know, I'm saying I know what you're saying, motherfucker You're nobody saying You know what he's saying Kevin Coleman for the 14 albums Not to make up fact, but at least 10 at least got no brain

Um, I did arrange for us You don't know this in australia. You are gonna get to do this First hand, okay Oh, no, no, no, no, no I don't want to touch a dinosaur you get to massage a crocodile I like how she's massaging I like what she's wearing for it She's wearing a cute outfit

This is crazy Look at that I wish he would turn his neck and just fucking snap her right up He bites her tits off Bites her tits right off her dumb body That's a fucking dinosaur Yeah, it is Oh, right by the mouth

This bitch is crazy I'll wrestle one, but I'm not petting one How uh How experienced is she to like Not very But I mean for her to feel like willing to be like, oh, you mean like grab his cheeks He's rub his back I mean, it feels like this wouldn't be the first time

I feel like she's coaxed into it because of her appearance I don't feel like she was like a regular regular person who was into crocodiles And then all of a sudden grew into her body and was like, you know what it's time for money off this You don't think she's a trained professional I think there's auditions for this You know, realize have you seen them when they can they once they snap their jaws on you And then they roll and they drag you under the like you're fucking he could just turn around and just snatch Well, he wouldn't turn that fast, you know, no, they can't it's easy to keep their mouths closed easy

Once it's close. Yeah easy, but it's so easy. It's easy. I could do it. No, you can do it. You definitely could No, no, you could definitely keep the mouth closed. That's not hard. It really yeah, I don't have the kind of confidence But it's if their mouth closes on you. Yeah, oh, you're done. Yeah, they're jaw locks. Yeah, and they can't Yeah, I'm not fucking with any alligators. I'm videotaping you first And then when you give me the thumbs up, this is booked. This is booked. Yo, let's bring josh potter on the tour, dude I got a couple of jobs for him. Yeah, I do five up front And 30 in a crocodile's mouth Can I tell you when I when we went to australia to do road rolls a million years ago in the 90s?

I got to hatch baby crocodiles Out of their little eggs I hatched them and one bit me a newborn I mean a minute old my fucking finger bled like you wouldn't believe a minute old baby crocodile will fuck you up All right, maybe we stay away from crocodiles. Okay, good. But let's not stay away from animals, you know, oh tom This bird's best work Jesus look at the size of that Oh, no, dude. Look at those claws

Oh Look at those claws This motherfucker. Oh, I thought it was all sitting down. It's leaning forward Oh my god. This. Oh my god. Why am I nervous? Because something's about to happen. Oh, buddy Pay attention to that pinky on that hand that guy No The comedy is about to take off in five

four three Look at the fucking size of that thing Look at its head that belongs on a wall in a bar Dude its head is honestly, it's the size of 12 human heads typed together That's the size of its head. I've never even fucking seen one this I don't know why people need to fuck with animals. I don't know

It really it really is These are the people who are always like I like animals better than humans. What's that something human bit your fucking torso off That claw right there Just clean decapitation, you know, just You know what? It really is a white person thing too. White people love fucking with dangerous animals It is very true. It gives them purpose in life for some reason. Yeah Like that stupid bitch with the wolves licking her mouth and shit They still want to shop at the grocery store for their meat, but they got to do this bullshit on the side

And and also like what's his name the Australian the famous one steve erwin. We're gonna need to know that. Yeah It's a solid reference. Did you ever did you see as well as outback steak? How to greet a wolf? Have you seen that? No, I'm not greeting wolves. Uh, you can there's a there's a proper way to do it though As I enter the wolves territory, I am so excited. I crouch down and make sure to keep my energy calm It's important to greet a wolf openly so they can learn everything about you and trust you This means keeping low so you are less frightening When wolves greet they will want to lick inside your mouth This is perfectly normal for them and this is what they do to one another on a daily basis

If you can tolerate it, you should allow this as they will trust you more and can learn everything about you as a person Oh, really? They know my birthday now should be calm and fluid Sharp movements will frighten and shock them making you look threatening. So gently gently is the answer There you go. You should let them do it If you can tolerate it that I have planned for us is that I take you to the crocodile farm. I'm listening I swing by the bear reserve. I'm in then we go see some Uh, dingos who needs limbs when you have adventure adventure and then you're going to swim with great whites, but I Will put you in a tank that has uh, like it's a shield like a protection cage, you know

You better put me in a tank like a vehicle tank because I don't want to deal with any of these animals So people at this is like the their their idea of just a fun afternoon I like she's like it's important to get on your knees. It's important not to fucking show up. Yeah at this location Exactly learn where they are. Keep your distance So this is from a a wildlife reserve. It's like you can go and do this Yeah, but it's still dangerous like these wolves are accustomed to humans But I like how she gets her hair done to go with all this shit. Oh, I know she's got a good Makeups on the the aggressive lick is what really gets me

And they taste your mouth Yeah, no, no, thank you. You think they got toothpaste and it's right after a feed. So they're like licking guts into your mouth Look at their assholes and balls and shit Licking your mouth Think how bad bitsy's mouth smells smells like shit and then always I know Yeah, a wild dog's got to smell way worse. Yeah. Yeah. Why white things shit just got way worse, sir Uh, man Do you have any more of this? I have another

Good evening, Kerry. You've you've Good evening, Kerry. You fit blonde Steven D here for Matthews and Ken a big fan of yours and a big fan of base station, too Kiss that man quick He's gonna be on the show. Is he in brisbane? Yeah. Oh good. He's from can kairns Will you be showing your I hope you've been showing your pussy tonight, baby Because I would be wanking my cock when you get fucking naked as you usually do on base station x anyway Oh my god, it was so endearing at first. It really was they just turned into a total asshole And there is a cool thing about

Keeping the shades on Wearing a cowboy hat and putting out a fun message Don't forget don't forget to bloody swear, Kerry Dinger Now there's a cool guy Who's he talking to? Kerry. Kerry. That's why this is a regular civilian. I think she puts out videos Okay, I think she's my guess is she's like a webcam girl. Maybe she's doing a public appearance somewhere But she wants things like this. This is how she knows she's doing a good job. You know, Kerry from base station

That's I think is what he said, right by station kairns. Yeah, good evening. Kerry. Good evening, Kerry You're getting in this business. You like work from home. Create your own hours Are you being shown your pussy tonight, baby? Oh my god, then this guy shows up And then it says kiss me quick on his hat. What didn't you love if charles? Oh, I loved her did this if he was like, hey, it's me charles. I hope you be showing your pussy tonight He would never charles is a gentleman. He is a gentleman. He would never Tom will be wanking my cock Tom will be wanking?

I will be that's like five minutes tops. He's talking about he's new it all night, you know, yeah wanking his cock Wanking How do you think they'll use the word wanker in australian? No, I don't know. That's a great term. That's a yeah I feel like that's I think that's exclusively british. Yeah, it's like you're a jerk off. I assume. Yeah. Yeah, wanker Yeah, I do like his teeth though. They're pretty cool. They are cool His whole his whole gear is Exclusively cool. It's a those he reminds me of I'm looking for girls Yeah, there's got those guys who put that man. Well, we always talk about how we all we all want

We're all looking for girls and for pussy. Yes, but it never occurs To most supposed to go like that's a message to put out there. The key is to hide your intention. Yeah Yeah, it's kind of ease into it when it becomes available, of course, you would be required to make daddy come You know what I've noticed is a common Damp nominator between these cool guys like fed smoker and this guy the aggressive athletic shades Yeah, these type of wraparound the wraparound. Oh, does he have these you think? Oh, they're strapped around his head Yeah, well the the the kinds of the kind of oh, yeah, they hug your face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They usually they usually have

Mom never hugged me. So these sunglasses will exactly And for some reason when they're super tight Um, they also make you a real pro gun. Yeah You're always in the like I love my guns, right? And I hate my eyes It doesn't oh It does appeal to a specific demographic Like full chart. Do you own a shade on a pair of shades like that? Not like that. No, no, no I'm not I'm not a snob as far as fashion

But but I also wouldn't wear them inside and do a video with them on Do you know what I mean? I'd be kind of embarrassed and keep them in my car For when it got really sunny and no one was looking No one's looking and I certainly wouldn't put them on when I wanted to tell a girl. I was gonna eat her pussy It's even gross when I say it I never heard you say that I'm trying to fit in over Oh, stop it with the drops. I'm gonna barf I hate this. Let me eat you. No, I hate him the most. He's the best. He's not the best

I'm gonna make you cry. I can't believe you have so many And that's how many men are putting this on tape. Yeah for the world. Yeah to see it never Ever stops, you know, often I do a comedy set and I go, wow, I really shouldn't have said that And I'm embarrassed. Yeah, and I'm like even though it was my job to figure out what's funny and everything These motherfuckers just committing it to tape and sending it out there for your mom's house podcast. Yeah Fucking crazy. It's amazing. It is amazing that It's always amazing that someone something in their head goes This is the thing to put out. This will work. This is going to work. This has never worked

Not even once not once it's never worked. I also, I mean before we were rolling We were talking about taking dick pics, which is something I can't even fathom doing either Like if that worked, I'd love to do it But I'm only the impression that it does not work Well, I as a woman like just getting a picture of your penis is probably not gonna Like I'm not into that the whole courting system is based on the idea of avoiding avoiding that moment Like I'm going to show you all this shit about me. That's not my dick, right at certain point. I expect you To enjoy my dick, right, you know, even though it's a dick, right, right because dicks are enjoyed

Contextually as I imagine vaginas are like if you just get a picture of a Rogue veg, you're like, that's just a vagina. That's not attached to a person It's an invite. It's inviting only because of intention men can appreciate intention But that doesn't mean they just want like some Isolated vagina, right? That's insane. Like if you ever see I'm sure you have those porno clips where they don't even show The faces of the people the genitals are attached to where it's just a close-up of genitals. Yeah, it's not good It's really not healthy the biology. Yeah. Yeah, or they're like it's like an amateur thing where it's like Uploaded by the people at home and they just show like he's like

And it just he puts it in and then you're just seeing that and you're like, all right. Yeah, it does feel like it's a medical Yeah, I might as well be the discovery channel. It might as well. It's gross Stop it. Okay He's really my top if I had to rank Yeah, who are you? Okay. I really hate when the four stroke guy What is he saying when he goes you don't need leave you don't need to be that's a totally different guy And he goes oh, oh wait wait the guy and he goes his dick had become so sensitive Like I hate how he says the word sensitive

to this The list what sensitive makes me more barf and gag and die I'd rather drink bleach than hear him say that shit over and over It becomes so sensitive it becomes so sensitive I can't believe how big his dick was because he's like telling you a secret. He's like whispering He is he's whispering because he's in a social place. That's why so that's number one He's at the hometown buffet. Um In the bathroom. Yeah the dick the dick the four stroke guy. I don't like the uh, I don't make you come

I don't like him. Yeah I'm uh, and I hate the aye aye aye guy where he's like It's all I can but I the one I hated the most over all the years by far Vegan vagina. Oh, yeah, I think we even we even removed him from the drought right because it was so traumatizing So gross is there any that you do like you find yourself thinking about when you're not on this horse I like the charmers like I'm a fan of charles who is just like He's trying to court, but he's not doing it right

He's not dirty. I don't like the dirt bags really. Yeah, I do like robber paul champagne when what's going on It's charles. Yeah, I like charles. I do like when robber paul goes get off When he finally does ejaculate I kind of enjoy it because I know that he's It doesn't faze me because I feel like I know him And I'm happy for him. We're watching matt's wheels turning. I'm just thinking the only dirty talk is like, yeah I'm gonna take you out to dinner. Yeah, that'd be nice Oh, that guy doesn't I'm gonna listen to your dreams. That is dirty talk Even though it didn't happen. I'm still gonna listen. Yeah

Who's your grossest? Who do you think the thing is the grosser the more I get excited, you know No, you don't I I love these dudes who are Really like the the further From Acceptable that they behave the more like this is really good. I really I enjoy it. I enjoy the misbehavior But it's such a weird equation. It's like this doesn't work in real life I'm going to amplify at times a million. So what what's going on in their heads. Do you think that they're doing that? Not a lot of rational thought, but it's like in their mind. They're like

Someone must enjoy this because this is my actual thought. Right. This is my actual desire. This is my actual dream This must connect with some person. It doesn't You must conceal your real thoughts to survive in this world. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's so true Come. Yeah, that's different. Yeah I don't like the the woman who was like our pussy stink. They have forts on them. That one is sad, too Our pussy is itch. Yeah And then they smell like fish. Okay, the rain lady who drinks her own urine has always made me feel weird He loves his cum. I don't even mind her. I don't like the woman that remember she would fart in her shed

Yeah, she's like, oh, I should make you know, it's funny is I saw this here and I've never seen this I don't know what this is. This is in the folder today. I don't know what this is You're lying. I swear Oh, yeah, you could have guessed wait another one All right, that's pretty amateur for this show. Yeah, that's that's I was expecting a shit or something. Yeah Yeah, sweatpants though. That's a nice touch sweatpants are never good on dudes You're already failing in life and then you're going to videotape yourself farting

And not even the right way you're going to do it straight up straight down on the iphone And then you're going to put it on the internet. That's your fucking day. That's super. That is so sad, man I wouldn't even do that when no one was watching, you know what I do like about this one. Okay, first of all Light gray sweat, but you can wear sweatpants and some of them are really good looking Light gray looks good on nobody right No, especially a man and that angle on a man is never good You can see his balls coming down there. Like, you know when you there is a little brown

And let's talk about let's talk about the ass to leg ratio. So his ass is huge. Yes. His leg's a little tweety bird Like I know but also can I tell you if you're going to do all if you're going to go through the process of the sweatpants Setting up the camera right getting in this position Doing this and then that pathetic fart. That's I mean, it's like at least put on a show. This isn't live Yeah, like wait until you got a good one and post that you got all day. You got all year This is you know, you don't you don't have to put this out today People are not demanding this. All right. You don't have a contract with hulu Fucking take your time. Take your time. Get the good one. Wait for your pitch

You know, you always say the most insightful things Like you always are the Yoda of life and comedy in the world. It's true It's a hard rule. Don't mostly don't put it on the internet is is like a hard and fast rule Unless it's a banger and you've really done the work right like that shed go viral or go home Yeah, this is you're right. I didn't think about it. It is a mediocre fart. May I see it again? More than mediocre. No, I cut bigger farts than that just casually. This is an afternoon fart This guy has no motivation. Wake up at 6 a.m. Put on some jeans. Yeah One for you boys

You can see his butt cracks so open and his balls you can see and it's edited between farts Like it's not like it was another great one comment that was and if you can edit edit the whole thing out and don't put it on Dude, I want to I want to sound like a fucking tiger growl. You know, I mean if you're gonna make a video like this You got to beat everybody in the world. Yeah, you got to beat every video out there and there's millions of fart videos Yeah millions you got a fucking there's got it. It's got to be visual. You got to see the farts something like That's the king. Why would you bother? Yeah, right? If you're gonna call yourself king ass rip or you better come correct That's what he does

He's a king. Yeah, this guy's a cadet. Yeah, this guy's this his first day in fucking junior varsity squad For pee we yeah. Yeah, this is bullshit. I'm mad at him now too. How do I end up getting mad at this guy? Fuck this guy. There's a reason he doesn't show his face and because his farts suck No pride man. No pride. No pride. That's true. It's our fucking little little toddler girl. This is pathetic. Yeah This is pathetic. No, I To me, it's funny because like I haven't been on the show in like two years. So it's like you finally are down to this video Yeah, yeah, this is the end of the internet. This is it. It's the tail end. There's no more good stuff. It's now it's all bad mediocre

Dude, you would definitely I know you'll have something to say about this. Okay, we discovered this video earlier And uh, this guy is pretty fucking rad. Um We we were talking about what might have Prompted this, you know him putting this out there women Let's cut to the chase here women Should clean up not only should women clean up women should clean up unprompted and I'm gonna tell you why It's very very simple. We live in a world where things need to be fair 50 50 gender equality blah blah

I Pay for things unprompted. You don't have to ask me to pay for shit if we go for dinner I'll get my wall out pay at the end. Don't even check the price of the bill. My card always works Okay, unprompted if you're with me your life is effectively free Everywhere you eat everywhere you go where you sleep you ain't paying for shit You ain't getting in my car and I'm asking you for motherfucking gas money No, I pay for everything Instantly as a man should

You're on the phone when you walk into a house and you see mess Why is your lazy ass not doing the right thing and start picking and cleaning shit up? If you're sitting or going that's sexist. Well, it's sexist. I mean to fucking pay for everything, isn't it? You fucking bimbo. Yeah, but no one asked you to fuck nuts. Yeah, this is now What I say these girls go. I don't like cleaning no problem if you don't like cleaning here. How about this? I'll clean when I say I'll clean. I mean, I'll hire someone else to clean anyway I'll get the house clean and you pay for everything How about that? Oh, no, you can't do that either can you because you're a fucking moron and you realize that making money

Is a much harder than getting some fucking dishes washed Then you're gonna realize what real work is because to pay for shit is much more difficult than keeping a house generally tidy I mean a generally pleasant female to be around fucking lazy That's the word we live in now females are entitled to fucking lazy See my I like how he's like genuinely pleasant. Is he the least bit genuinely pleasant to be around for three fucking seconds The worst Dude, he's so upset. He's so angry this video. My theory is this is made about to one person. Yeah There's somebody just fucking pissed him off right and then the rant

And takes everybody on but it's really about this bitch right who left a dish and and let him pay for things And now it's like everyone's an asset. Here's the thing. He's leaving out. She Split yeah, she's split this shit. I get why it works. It's that shit. Um Tom like us used to be on the talk radio And it's it's very entertaining you go mad and he did a better version of making it like more Rational thought like if I have to do this why shouldn't you have to do this? But it's like dude. I'm like you don't I took out this bitch this weekend. She was a dime. I spent six dollars

I got her a fucking loaf of bread And then I fucked her and I kicked that bitch to the curb Hey, Tom, do the call. Tom first time long time Uh I'm in this relationship and I pay all the bills You're a sucker and I end up cleaning up the apartment And you sound like a dope and my girlfriend even yells at me a little bit and she's embarrassed by what I wear You need to grow a pair of balls there, Matt. Will you blow me up tom? You got it. Here you go

No 1 800 500 We're taking your calls and we hate women. He had that he had that he had that he had the explosion to take me out african style money Like an explosion. Totally agree with you Tom. Totally agree tom Fight me up with a bong jesus bong tom. Oh, thank you jesus. Why would you call up to agree? Why would you call up to agree? It's funny you said that

This is totally uh, like not a dump that not pleasant to be around He actually tells the whole world that he hates them too. In fact, all people are lazy entitled I hate everyone equally. Don't come at me and call me sexist or racist or any of these things I hate everyone. I don't care if you're black white straight gay man and woman. I hate you anyway I hate everybody exactly the same same universal hate. You know, I'm a very fair person You know who really hates his tattoo artist. Yes. Look at that shit. That is sad, man What is that? It's a snake going up to eat his heart. But it's rainbow colored. Yeah, I don't know Who is this for then if you hate everybody like who is this for?

But I make something very very clear to my females you have a choice Either you can pay for my 300 dollar steak Or you can make sure that I have a nice coffee in the morning and that cop ain't sitting around with some fucking coffee stain Bullshit and my house is nice and clean Pristine the way it should be and I'll ensure that we're living a good life because I got more dollars than balls And I got a whole bunch of balls for you stupid ass hose I didn't buy 16 fake gold records just to fucking be treated like shit The records are so distracting. What is that? He calls himself cobra tate. I just put that together

Cobra tate cobra on his arm. Oh boy. So he likes the tattoo. Yeah, he's wearing sweatpants too. He is. Yeah, maybe he's the one who does the fart video And he doesn't get accepted as the farder because his farts suck and now he's angry. He's so upset though Making coffee is so easy. Just make yourself a cup of coffee. Buy yourself a 300 dollar steak Well, and he's also very passive aggressive because if he's like unprompted I pay for stuff. Therefore, I expect something back It's like, yeah, but you haven't been explicit about your wants and needs. You know what I mean? He's being passive aggressive like you should just do this stuff But that's his thing is that he thinks it should be unprompt. He's like you're an idiot. Just figure it out I paid for shit. So fucking clean up. But no one asked him to so well. He's doing it unprompted

He doesn't need anyone to ask, but that's so passive aggressive. You like your fucking life, Jenny You fucking bimbo Oh boy. All right. I mean, so you find you finally find the girl you love 15 years later and their family goes through your fucking google search And here you are with your shitty tattoo that is now just like a black band Yeah, you've like over fucking done and you're talking so much shit about women. Yeah I don't know the internet's a monster. It's a monster. Uh, I got a message by the way I just want to let you know from a really really good tattoo artist. Yeah, and he was like hey man

I'm a big fan and uh, I'll do I'll do a piece for free Like I go. Oh, I've never had a tattoo and he's like, well, why don't we start? So I'm thinking like what do you think I should start with? get your kids faces Portraits are the best Yes, or get your own face like stevo. He has that one. I feel like he did that, you know, I mean What about a design or get stevo get stevo's face under my name? Oh, yeah

Oh, Chris. Oh, yeah, christine on my christine christine. I love you christine. There's another person in our lives I love you christine who just started calling me christine. Did you notice that? Yes Also an email came in where it was like this is for you and christine I was like cool. You dumb bitch Wait, what do you want to get? What's what I'm thinking like should I get? Do you want a tattoo? Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking of getting like either You know half a sleeve here. Yeah, or um with like a you know Really like tribal tribal is the best way to go or just like I like, you know dragons and shit Right, um or a message like fuck all you hoes or something like that, you know, right? Yeah

I like why don't you clean up bitch clean up bitch? Sounds good I like I like an inspirational quote. Yeah, you know, I like a whole paragraph a whole message. Yeah, yeah, yeah Psalms 8 56 that type of thing the whole thing or like whenever the a door closes the window right over your butthole Yeah, open your butthole. It's a good idea I've always loved and you know this the job stoppers the knuckle tattoos. Yep. I would really like you to get that I just think they look cool. I feel like that's advanced and I should start with something I should I feel like you start with an arm because I want to start with a throat That's what everybody really advanced start one of the first jokes I ever wrote for stand-up was I was going to get a

M on each butt cheek. So when I spent over it said mom And the perfect for you guys actually great. Um, and I thought it was like one of the Worst dumbest jokes. No only a year went by and then I read George Carlin's book and he made the same joke He did. Yeah, so it wasn't that dumb. No, it's a brilliant joke. Your jokes are brilliant. Do any of you guys have tats? I forgot Uh, I do not and josh. No Any for sure. No, really? No, well, let me put it out there free here I have a tramp stamp that I got in the 90s in Australia on a dare and if any, uh, anybody wants to remove it Two different things going on here. I'll put it out there. I could definitely and I want it. I know it hurts

I got it. Tom you get the same exact tramp stamp on your lower back So that you guys are together synced together synergy, then you get removed together Do you like the low and brow beer symbol because that's kind of what it looks like. Here's to good friends Tonight is kind of special google the low and brow dragon. It's supposed to be a dragon. I got it in Australia I literally pointed to the wall and was like that It looks so bad and it yeah kind of looks like that. Come to think of it. Yeah, I'll have a low and brow tattoo These are all references to the 70s. I'm a very young man. Is there no low and brown anymore? I mean, what could I get? I mean, what's the other things I like? You know, I like wu tang

You like murder I like tribe called cars You should get you were talking about getting like a whole arm. Yeah, it should be all hip hop groups that you like Great idea and then this side just cypress ill because they stand out. That's true. No cypress ill and then the shout out Yeah, so tattooing the shout out. Yeah, main mc. There you go. Yeah, what about just like a whole insane in the membrane? That would be great. That's dope. I hold up like just a piece just about that Who are you trying to get crazy with Tommy? Don't you know I'm local? Always bra you should definitely get a cholo

Cholo, I mean we're west coasters all the way homie the stress a gang and doing these on there. It's fucking morning It's fucking morning. It could save your life. You know, well, what are you gonna get? I don't know about logo. No, but if we're going west side gangbanger Let's think about it. Let's see. I'm gonna I'm gonna you know for the sake of the podcast a joke tattoo is great But uh In terms of like the life you're gonna live. Yeah, like a joke tattoo is just so sad because the jokes get old as we know Everyone does it and and there you go. I mean how many people do you know with a mustache on their finger and several? Yeah, I got I know I know though. I've seen a people. What if I got?

Hello, this is Captain Marcel my sister went down I'm going down to the mountain Like the whole monologue on your back or I could just have a no Um a landscape and people go. What is that? I go this is I'm This is my sister and she's out at the mountain and I'm Captain Marcel. I'm going down there. I love it And that way I love it. It's a joke, but it's not like a ha ha like it's a story and people like what are you talking about? I'm like, well, my sister went down. Wait a minute. You're not now. We're on the right path. What about your feather in it, brother That's what I'm saying. Yeah, this is what are we doing? So you got this free tattoo artist This you should become a tattoo guy and your whole body should be the inside jokes from

Yeah, yeah, you're right feather in it, brother, feather in it, brother And that'll be the testament to a good bit. You're like, I'm getting the tattoo. This is that funny and I can get a feather And then underneath it. It just says a lighter feather in it, brother. Yeah, but a lighter too, you know, right? That is all right, and then you just broke part out buddy half half of them half of the feathers are burned Yeah, you know so it's like you see the smoke going up and then you have to get 23 95 Wagner houses apartment 2c 124th and 1st avenue 24th 1st. Yeah, you have to get like the the google map of it. Yep on your body. That'll be dope. Oh, yeah Yep, and then I put I'll put uh, I'm not staying forever. This is I'm cleaning up right now and then above And then above your eyes

Just glass just glass and then fgt rtd and like the old cholo writing send in your ymh tattoo ideas To your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Have you by the way seen my my shoes? No, I have Shoes that were the geeky blinder guys in the uk Hand painted take it down tour Shoes cool with my face on them Look at that and they're in my store right now So they made a limited run of them if you go to merch method.com slash Tom's cigar they made sizes. I think from from eight to

Maybe 13 or something like that. There's a there's a there's a limited run of them But if you want them, that's where they are shout out geeky blinders geeky blinders cool name. What a great name Yeah, and what a great sneaker. Oh Jesus. Can I have one? Yeah? I'm gonna women's eight and a half guys You gotta buy them. Oh, I want it All right, look we gotta wrap it up because we are gonna get ourselves in order to travel internationally right now on the double Decker and I gotta go get my mail Full charge has two podcasts now. Yeah, check them out

Road heads road heads with louis cats and the full charge power hour full charge power Yeah, um, what a great you always have great names for shit. Thank you. You do the crab feast. I named that one Christine. I'm a fucking vet. Yeah, you stupid bitch. Yeah on tour. All right You're gonna be in fucking bimbo. Well, you want to do it? You want to do it? I just tell me like You can go to christina p online and make sure to catch christina. She's gonna be in houston tampa and san francisco in february then she will be in Pasadena, miami and dallas in march

She'll be in new york demoine and phoenix in june and recently added san antonio Laugh out loud july 9 through 11 I am on the road in february. I have my first spanish shows ontario and oxnard And tempi and those are all in spanish Then i'll be doing the terry feitor theater march 6 and 7 in las vegas at the mirage And then I will also be picking up

I have a few tickets left in brea in april march 9th and 10th And then I just added a big show at the haras april 18th That is at the scroll up to that the other way That's the valley center other way april 18th Valley center resort southern california. That's haras. That's near san diego. That just went on sale The spanish shows continue in april In texas dallas houston austin san antonio back to vegas in may and then I round out the first half of the year at west palm

These shows the english-speaking shows are just working out a new hour The i'll be able to announce The uh netflix special coming up pretty soon as soon as they give me the clearance You know when I was in momston so many people said they went to that taping And I was telling them i've seen the rough cut and it is outstanding It is so we're looking for jokes to edit out and it's almost impossible. It is impossible. It's such a great hour You guys are gonna put up the side half hour. I know Can you do that? Maybe maybe that's the move too bad. There's no dvds anymore. You could have dvd extras

That'd be awesome, man. I need to be fucked a lot man So we are going to Um, you know, we're gonna do the the big traditional things in australia. We're gonna get shrimp on the barbie We're gonna drink fosters out backstage house for beer mate. I love mom striglia so much. I'm so envious They're the nicest people they really are yeah back in the 90s Oh, cool. And I'm so you take lots of pictures and will you get me some ketchup flavored doritos if you find them? I will do I like ketchup flavored chips. I can and Their chocolate's really good too

Oh, what is it called? Oh milo bars Speaking of food. I'm starving. Let's get lunch. Okay. Um matt. Yeah, thanks for coming I'll see you see you at the airport at the airport. It's gonna be fun. All right gene. Bye guys Recently when I became deathly ill I used this remote control to contact Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. I'm calling paramedics and your family mr. Miller I've fallen and I can't get up Immediately

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.�