Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 539 - Tom Papa & Kreayshawn - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 20, 2020

We’re still reeling at the loss of Fedsmoker but we continue to feather it in his honor. Christina P is sick so The Roach, Josh Potter is in on the couch. Did you know sparkling water is for rich people and still water is for losers? Plus we try to figure out what someone is saying and we watch some people get way too chill with lions. Tom Papa is a stand-up comedian who’s new NETFLIX special “You’re Doing Great” is available right now. Christina is sick, but the two Tom’s are into it so they can have MAN talk. Tom and Tom discuss the pros and cons of being recognized and how it really doesn’t matter when it comes to air travel. Is reclining allowed?? Plus, the two discuss the importance of having a hobby as Tom Papa has gotten really into making bread. Kreayshawn is a singer, rapper and creative director and one of Christina P’s all time favorite. Christina gets to ask Kreayshawn all the questions she’s been dying to ask, plus we get Kreayshawn's opinion on a litany of cool guys and we see which is her favorite.

and What's up there Chomos? It's great to be back here. You'll notice that the Chair next to me is empty Christina is sick. I am getting sick. So Yeah, this is what you got today. I figure that since she is Not here. I could play something that reminds you of her Let's see if I can Make this work. Can I? Nope. Is that happening? It's not great. So Don't worry about it. It's not that big a deal

I was trying to trying to See if I can make it come into here. All right. Yeah. All right. So Christina's not here But this should remind you of her Ah So it's like she's here Now But I do have a great substitute

Josh Potter is good to see you. Hey, hey, how are you? Good? I thought Christina was just so Depressed over Fed Smoker's death. She still couldn't come in. It's such it. I mean it that makes sense. Yeah, it's such a bummer, right? We we don't have official confirmation We did call the coroner's office and they wouldn't confirm anything But I mean everything that we kind of pieced together as the the sleuths that we are Leads us to believe that it's do you think the coroner is like Swiping shit under the rug, you know because it would be federal investigation. I don't know it could be who got to him That's what I want. I know it's like it's such a curious

side of the road, right death. I immediately Last week when that happened I reached out to dr. Drew because I just done a podcast with him right talked a lot about it and As dude, let me tell you this is dr. Drew Pinsky, okay This is text about Fed Smoker. Yeah, this is the the like literally within 10 minutes of finding out because I just spent so much time writing about him and then you notified dr. Drew you had to deliver the bad news that he passed, right? So I go hey dude looks like Fed Smoker died. I'm 99% sure that's his car and his arm sticking out from under the tarp

And he goes oh shit, and he goes I am not surprised And he goes this is how this shit plays out and then he wrote. I sure hope he wasn't feathering And I go I go whoa, and he goes you have really fucked me up Makes me happy, you know some great people make lasting impressions, and I feel like that's gonna be Fed Smoker's Legacy, I mean looking up dr. Drew imagine that that purgatory moment where Fed Smoker is you know being judged by his peers or whatever, right? Like the the angels in heaven. Hey probably we haven't seen one like this in a while, right? He's probably putting baby right there stamps on all their faces. Oh, yeah grinding his teeth the whole time

Do you have a stinky twat? Oh man, this guy's a lot to handle I just fear that there was some hanky-panky business going on with him and the government got to him or something It can't be the standard thing, you know, right? I wonder if there's gonna be like 9-11 style videos That's what I'm saying. Yeah, there's gonna. I mean there's people are gonna make documentaries and when you're as embedded as him And you're a double secret agent. Yeah, there's all kinds of different things that could have occurred. Yeah, absolutely Christina What do you think? So

Oh Let's Let's do an official open to the show. All right. Yes, do it here. We go how the only water I drink is sparkling water because sparkling water is for rich people and I'll tell you why you can get non Carbonated water still water from the fucking tap the government gives you that shit effectively for free Oh Is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this This guy, he's right, right? I mean, yeah, he is kind of like a

B-boy Yeah, he's like a B-boy Yeah, he's like a B-boy Yeah, he's like a B-boy Yeah, he's like a

B-boy He's right, right? I mean, yeah, he is kind of right. Yeah, just like he was kind of right about Women should fucking clean up. Yeah, this guy is my Gary Vee. I mean, yeah preach and look, you know It's funny is you know, he's saying all this ridiculous stuff. It's it's very polarizing Provocative and you're like who fuck is this guy? He's a kickboxer, right? He like is a professional fighter Yeah, yeah, so he's like or maybe he's retired now, but it's just funny that do you think between rounds He was drinking sparkling water and not still water. I think it's hilarious like to to be to play Let's say play the asshole. Yeah in these videos and then be like, yeah, but this dude like if you're like fuck

It makes a little easier to say ridiculous shit. It totally does roundhouse kick a guy's face He could beat up ninety nine point nine percent. Yeah I mean if this guy was out and about and he was talking to me this way, I'd be like, you're right. Yeah, it's totally true Yeah, yeah, I don't get why people drink that horseshit that flat water is fucking dog shit for fucking poor people Yeah, you're right sparkling water you have to buy so if you only drink sparkling water You only drink rich man's water. I explain this to someone some bumblecloth and of course he replied with the typical bullet But I don't like sparkling You don't like sparkling water. You don't like water. Yeah, but the bubbles

The bubbles you scare the bubbles you little bitch It's like a Ted talk it's got the logo and everything and he's like you're a little bitch if you like tap water That's his message. It's great. It doesn't taste of anything. It has bubbles in it. Well, you're afraid of bubbles Fuck is wrong with you. This is another full grown man fucking some other bitch You realize to that like if you were at dinner with him and he was like I've sparkling water You're like, I'll just take tap water. He'd be like, what are you a stupid bitch kicked me out of dinner No, then you'd be like, you know what? I do like spark. I am a bitch. You're right. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry How dare I thanks for buying rich people water

Like if a waiter comes over and goes what water for the table sparkling, please I obviously answer because I'm the fucking boss and then some little fucking bitch Oh, um, can I still? Fuck straight the water on the table. You're a fucking man You're gonna start chained making the waiter run back and forth and change water orders because you can't handle bubbles pussy ass dudes Here's a question that might show my lack of college education. Yeah, does sparkling water hydrate you the same way still water does? Well, I think that's a good question. I think the only thing is that some sparkling waters maybe have

What do you think the carbonation would take away from the Hydration aspect of it. No, I wouldn't think so. Oh, okay. I mean still H2O. Yeah, that's true The same, let's see. It's a good question. Let's see what it says I'm just wondering if this guy was just like he had like, you know, his thermos that he'd get like between rounds at kickboxing And he'd be squirting sparkling water in his mouth. Would it have the same effect? It's exactly what you're saying I can't see what it says. Well, it says. Yes. It's a high hydrate you just as well Oh, wow, this makes sense considering the carbon water is just regular water infused with bubbly carbon gas. No shit Yeah, so he's completely right. We shouldn't be even drinking this fucking piss still water is poor people bullshit

Yeah, you should only drink sparkling water anyways because it's what aristocrats like myself drink the Lord of all beasts of the land Fishes of the sea we drink sparkling water and you should want to be like me because I'm a better person than you So in every single possible tiny way you can emulate the great Andrew Tate, you should be doing the same things I'm converted, dude. I mean, what would you like? There's a reason they have still water in toilets That's right. It ain't bubbly on there. Nope. We can make it if I see a man if you ever be a man who's afraid of sparkling water No, this he's certainly afraid of combat. He's certainly afraid to get punched in the mouth He's afraid of a fucking carbonated bubble Little pussy ass dude

God He's so right his dad was a chess master. What? Yeah, his dad was this guy's dad No, she'd no wonder you know so much about being an aristocrat. Yeah, it's been all over all over the world So if you're sitting there at a table and your friend won't drink sparkling water He's not your friend. There you go shit hits the fan and you get jumped and you're getting stabbed my ten randoms He ain't jumping in front of knives to save your ass like a good friend should if he's scared of fucking bubbles in his water God, I feel like I've been exposed today. Yep, you know, I feel like it's making me rethink my relationship with you I know how many times have we been asked sparkling or still and I've ordered the fucking I guess it just shows what a poor degenerate

I am. Yeah always going still water. Actually, I want to thank Andrew Tate for Reminding me to cut Josh out of my life. It's really opened my eyes to what a piece of shit. I am. Yeah This is a great session. God. It's like an intervention. Do you think you could leave now? I mean, I I really think I should yeah I feel like I need water. I drink a sparkling water sparkling water water still water sparkling water You sparkling water you rich man's water bumma club sparkling water water water for the table Drink the water on the table water order sparkling water. Anyways sparkling water drink sparkling water I don't even think I'm saying water correct anymore. I think you are pussy ass dudes I say water like a poor person like it just yeah, you can hear the poverty in my voice

I think all you have to do is just kind of come to terms with everything you're doing Yeah, just change everything I go to the opposite. Yeah, I know this is true But I got I just say you're a handsome man and you trimmed your beard. I did what led to that I always fuck it up and then I just start from scratch, you know, and sometimes I like to just mix it up a little bit, you know throw You know throw down on the razor. Yep, just go all the way to the face. See what's up See what's going on under there. You got to make sure everything's under there is going okay You know, I haven't seen my face. Are you scared of what could be possibly underneath it probably ever feel around You're like is that a lump or something like what is that? I've felt things that hurt before yeah

And you're like what the fuck is now and then I'm like, it'll go away It's hidden by the hair Nick the way that uh, any probably uses overall health like he's like, it's fine. Yeah I'm just fine. I'm like that kind of hurts. That's fine. Oh well. Oh well the hair will cover it and then it'll just out of sight out of mind Yeah, you know This guy I thought would be fun to look at with you. Yeah You don't have the best eyes know your ears are tuned up so Tell me if you think there's something interesting going on here. Hey everyone I don't get into another dollar video. I will but another thing is not to say I don't like this thing, but

this is really There's something else on my mind. Hmm. I think I've left a few voicemails at 3 a.m. That sound like that This thing about you I hate racist people. Oh, I don't know why they keep That was clear doing this, but I'm really fed up with it My cousin married my cousin married a black man in there and I'm fine with that and I'm not and I'm not racist Okay, that was pretty clear. He spoke that one pretty clear why two people had to be racist to black people I am really fell out by this. I am wonder all these racist idiots be

to be in jail Hmm So, is this the same guy? No, this is not the same guy Is So what is up? What's going on with this guy though? He hates racists. I mean, I think you made it pretty clear that you Is something else going on no, I mean just as hatred for racism. Why okay, all right You're both I think what do you what do you think? Okay? Okay? I think he's a progressive individual You don't they don't change the way I why they got there is gonna be trouble

It's gonna be trouble if they don't change their ways. Yeah, yeah racist people What do you think's wrong? I hate them hate hate hate hate them so much They need to go to hell. Okay. Can't there be a case made that his intolerance for those Intolerant people is also racist is yeah Like I feel like you got me in a pretzel. Do you feel like your mind is twisted? Yeah. Yeah now I feel like I'm gonna start. I mean like that guy. Why do we have to shun the racists so hard that we send them to hell? There could be some

Good-hearted racists out there. Yeah that you're just casting aside with the rest of them exactly you can't do that I mean, maybe you know, he's talking about people that are in his family even he said well, that's just wrong. Yeah He should be more tolerant to racists. That's I think that's the whole message. We're trying to put out there today, right? It's like maybe next time you see someone being racist try to make a friend The stereotype of a racist is that they're a bad person, right? And I think we need to look beyond that look beyond look at some of their more positive qualities, right? What if they have like a nice lawn and you go like how do you do that? And they go I have this whole This fertilizer that I use I really take care of it, you know, you're like, oh so that you have knowledge to share, right?

You know like I recently just saw this video I just reason been watching this video because it's one old lady Keeps being a race being a bloody racist bloody was that black guy. He's British. That's why he speaks that way I don't think That's that's gotta be it. He's British. I Knew I sensed an accent. Is he peeled out? I Don't know. I think he's just from Jolly old London. I'm really fed up People don't stop break being racist. I swear to God

I'm gonna lose him My mind I'm really bad up with it. I'm not gonna talk with us. Okay. I want it to stop He's really upset about race relations. I'm yeah, I'm I'm I don't know if I could handle much more of him No, I mean you wanted to show him to me Because of what I could hear him understand him. Well, I just feel like that's kind of your wheelhouse the pills part just No, you're a speaker you speak for a living. I thought you might want to see someone else speak Oh, yeah, no, he did. I mean like I said I sense an accent then he said bloody. I was like

You nailed it master of accents. Yeah Um You ever feel like just spaghetti specifically I think just that's the one thing he doesn't eat that's wild I mean you could imagine No Open it high and do what Open it high open it. Are you an ass eater? Sure. Yeah. Hell, yeah, and this is like Out of the gate. I mean if it's there if it's presented and you happen to just test the waters

You know, do you do a sniff test first? I mean you can get a good gauge from a visual test when it's staring you're right in the face You ever see one where you're like I probably shouldn't put my oh, yeah And what do you what do you see smears? Yeah, you just see a little bit of a darkness But then every now and then you're like well, I'm a gamer see what happens. Yeah, you know, I've never had any adverse effects I know guys that have had like Borderline food poisoning from eating ass. Yeah, like E. Coli kind of shit really. Yeah, and they got like really sick Yeah, well, I haven't had anything. I think I'm just I have a fortitude about me. Mm-hmm that it hasn't affected me in the same way

That's wonderful. I think so. Yeah, but I mean when you see a real clean one. It's like how could you pass that up? It's oh, I agree. You can't not eat it. You should you know what I mean? Yeah, and I think he's talking about was he talking about ass or pussy in the He said I thought he said ass and he's like you start up high Doesn't really make that much sense to me. I thought that's why I thought maybe he was talking about pussy because maybe he's like I go for that clit right high up high up there. Yeah, which is smart You know, that's a real flex though to be like Did you eat today? No, but I had my egg my mouth up in that bitch's egg

How you lick it? How you lick it? Open it. Open it high. Open it high. Yeah, you should open it first. I think he's confusing them. Yeah, me too I don't think you go high on an ass. It's like the tailbone. It's not a great spot. No First you gotta get it wet. You gotta go low. Get it wet. Get it wet. You gotta get it wet And then they be like, um, guess what you threw you threw you gonna get that ten times more. Yeah now He's giving a lecture. Do that shit, right? You're gonna get it ten times Smell it. I smell it. That's smart. My egg man. No, no dick don't work

Well, this started out as a real flex where he was like, I didn't even eat today I ate so much pussy and then and then he's like my dick doesn't work. It's like really collapsed But then he wants to be he's like put the camera on me. Yeah, he's like, I'm comfortable with who I am, right? And more people should be that way. Yeah, he's saying his dick doesn't work. Viagra TV. We got to a dick don't work You gotta hit it. Your tongue gotta hit it and wet it good with your tip finger and then guess what? You coming back ten times Okay That's a good message out there. He's saying if your dick doesn't work

Gotta get your oral skills up. Yeah, which is smart, which is really smart. Yeah, and then you can even be invited back ten times Minimum apparently It's pretty good. Yeah, I don't mind that ten times shit ten times Fuck Must got that tongue game down. It's all about that repeat business. That's right the comeback. Yeah I think everyone should eat ass Yeah, I agree trying to get my fucking

Convince her every every um wife that I've met though. Yeah, they keep shaking their head. It's gotta be different to your husband I'm sure Yeah, they're they're there for so many disasters, you know It has to be also maybe like maybe on a special occasion you have like like valentine's day Just happened and you could just you maybe you had a special like once a year ass eating Yeah, you know Yeah, or like a vacation you go to hawaii and you know like you just have really nice dinner Then you get your ass eaten

But it's like a once a year thing like a vacation kind of thing. I mean even that would be nice Right, of course. Yeah, because in a one night stand, you know, it's just like well, I'm gonna do this and I'm just gonna go for broke. Yeah, exactly. It's the best. It is absolutely the best. Um What else did I want to show you something before we leave here? I uh Yeah, I just want to get my ass eaten. Um, look at this fucking lunatic on a safari The lion gets into wow that's what the I would be have I would have run away so fast They're all just sitting there. Yeah, is that woman sitting there because she's immobile In the back. She's just too big to move away. She appears to be she looks I mean to the fucking lion. That's a steak

Tygan lion park is located in Crimea, Russia. Oh, that's why they don't give us the safari park But what is them being russian have to do it? They don't give a fuck about lions about rules It's because at this park you don't just observe them from behind a fence or a pane of glass They come up to you and hug you and I love to be what the only place that would would say like we're gonna sign off on lions just Engaging with people Is russia russia's like it's fine. And then like

They would if something if like that girl got mauled by a lion They would like they would put the bury the body They would be close for like half an hour And then they would be like hey, we're back. Well, also look at that line. I mean he is heavily sedated There's no way they don't pump some wild russian drugs into these lines. That's why the other one was like hugging It was on molly or some shit. Yeah, I know it was like hugging the people and shit It's crazy. This lady's riding the back of it. It's not even moving Whole thing would be terrifying to me and like it's all about where these things are located and as soon as like this is in

Russia, I was like, oh, I wouldn't go there Just russia as a whole no, I'd go to russia But I wouldn't go to any of their fucking safari camps. I just think now that you say it's russia too I just think the lions are incapable of hurting you because they're just too slow like you if one was trying to attack You would just be like Yeah, and then you'd be able to run away or whatever. It's really crazy. They're on drugs Um, so they're like the guy that was anti-racists these lions. Oh really does the owner do this? Let's see um

Let's see See that lions on molly This man got lucky you got a big hug. Oh, Jesus. He's scared of death. Yeah. Yeah, he how many people have shit in their pants Oh my god Oh, I would oh my god Just I'd just be sitting there in a pool of diarrhea Yeah, everyone they must have to hose down that trolley after this Oleg Zabkov who drives the tourist around the park Is a conservationist and the park owner

He hopes that by giving visitors the chance to hug and pat the lions and take photographs and selfies with them That it will help discourage people from hunting Siberian tigers and white lions which are endangered species No populations of about 500 That's what i'm saying, dude. That lion is on drugs dog No, he's fucked up. He's gotta be he couldn't even chomp on that arm The safari park is only possible with Oleg Zabkov. No one else. He can feel the animals predict their moods Oh, he predicts them. He's a my favorite. Not every lion is friendly There are aggressive lions who live in separate enclosures. Also a lion's personality can change with time

That is why Oleg tests them constantly. Oh, yeah, I want that guy to go chill with the aggressive ones Yeah, yeah, see if you can do any of that shit. Hey Oleg, did this one pass the test? Yeah, I know you have your own Spidey sense Fuck this guy. I want to take him to Africa and be like, hey man, go test that go snuggle with that one over there Unbelievable. Hey, so you're on the road, right? I am tell us where you're coming up I'm gonna be april 2nd through 4th sacramento punchline and then uh, may 12th I'm gonna be at huntsville alabama at stand-up live may 13th Nashville at zanies and then may 20th chicago gonna be at uh, Lincoln hall and just announced

Washington dc june 3rd at dc improve. Hey now. Wow. We right? You got a lot set up. I'm psyched Go see josh potter absolutely hilarious comic all those tickets. I'm assuming there's links in your yes They're all you can if you go to my instagram or twitter. There's links all up in that shit. All right, great Uh, thanks for sitting in here for a little bit today Um, thank you everybody for listening. I wish Christina chimed in more. I wish she would have said more. Christine would say bye everybody So, uh Of course the christina p online. She has all her dates. Um, are there you get tickets there to see her Um, I am

You can see my shows tomsaker.com slash tour got a spanish bunch of spanish shows coming up I also have english shows. Um, I have a bunch of shows at the mirage in las vegas this year in march may july and october Uh, tomsaker.com. I'll announce a bunch of tour dates in april, but that's it for now Enjoy this episode with tom tom papa and

krey shahn krey shahn, excuse me krey shahn All right next guest is a veteran comedian. He has a new special on netflix called you're doing great one of my favorites Tom papa. Thank you very much for coming by. Thank you for having me. I did something special for you today I was like, hey, you know, christina, why don't you let the men talk? So I kept her home so we didn't have to you know deal with that nonsense dude Thank you very much. You're welcome. I was Didn't know how I was gonna play it and then just to walk in and you know, they are oh Just freedom freedom now. We can talk the way we wanted to talk like guys talk man. Yeah. Yeah chicks, right chicks

Jeez fucking stupid mouths Yami yami yami yam it up with their dumb tits. Oh, I'm emotional You don't know what yin yin women can't be president So listen, um You've put out many specials. This is your first launch on netflix. Correct. So how how has it been? It's been great. Yeah. Yeah, it's a fun ride, right? It's really great. Yeah, because you can feel it Sticking like the word of mouth is so great like people are into it and it's just like nothing but positive like

Flow for a week it came out last tuesday and uh Yeah, I mean we're you know, I my last special I did for epics And you know that Beautiful people nice people but in all the interviews you had to tell people what epics was right? You know what I mean like epics. Yeah, how do I get that? Like it's a lot to ask It's a lot to ask people to watch you do anything throw it totally. It's a lot more to ask them to Pay for a subscription go to a website get a password It's a lot. So this is really fun. Yeah, this is really cool. It's cool that like there's people like my parents or like my dad who

I don't know. I think I've been on netflix now for Seven years. Yeah some capacity and I'll be like, yeah, I got a special coming on netflix. He goes. I gotta get that I'm like, dude Your your time's about to run out. Yeah. Yeah, you should get it He goes, how do I get it? I'm like turn it fucking on Like the funny thing is he goes we had it And it went away. I go it doesn't just go away

I remember when I was starting and I was like I got letterman and they were like, can you get something earlier? Yeah Sure. All right. So now I'm on the view. Yeah, you get something a little more around four to five o'clock. Yeah, there's a The evening news. Yeah, I could commit a crime Right exactly. Yeah Jesus man. Yeah, it's so but this is just great. You just feel like oh, okay So people are seeing it and it's like, you know, they're into it. It's just been it's free Are you traveling this week or next week at all? Yeah, this is this is also the thing about netflix It's you know, the reach is just so wide. Yeah that this week you'll get more like in airports

They'll be like, hey man, right because they don't they're watching you this week. I didn't think about that So I should I should definitely get someone to travel with me so they can see it. Yeah There's nothing worse than being recognized and no one's around It's the worst and then you you just feel so shitty telling people about it Yeah, even like your spouse like, you know, like you're like I get safe to tell them and you can tell that she's like feeling good Then you're like, god Wish you could have just seen it. Yeah, exactly Yeah, there's the the real sweet one is when you're with another comedian, especially if they're your good friend comedian

Yes, and they come and talk to you and have no idea who they are. Yes, that's a sweet spot Because you know, it's coming back to you in a couple minutes. Of course, but that's a really good one. Oh, yeah I I mean And I there's even like you were getting like in the bathroom someone says something in the bathroom And then you come back to the table. You're like, I'm just trying to go to the bathroom Fans what are you gonna do? Oh, man all over me. I don't know. Oh crazy They would just leave me alone. There's a Mexican restaurant places we order take out from all the time. This is Tony's Mexican grill and Uh, I when I first had my first thing I ever had in the la times they put a picture of me because I mentioned them

They had a picture of me in the newspaper up on the wall So I would always whenever I walked in I would get like hey, it's Tom and they'd be a nice family It became a thing and uh since then they've painted the walls and the pictures off the wall But I still would I call to Get it delivered with my kids my kids will bust me when they I'll be placing the order and they're like You told them it was Tom Papa, didn't you? Yeah, I did didn't work I was that guy in that crusty newspaper. Yeah, it's still gonna take 45 minutes. All right

Used to give me extra fruit Oh man, yeah, you just want to feel important everybody does though. Yeah, everybody does Completely we had sushi delivered uh from this place near our house And then one day there was an extra box And we're like, what's this and you open and they're like, uh, we love the special I'm like, oh, this actually this is the best Shattered this is better than someone saying I like you or I Recognize you. Yeah. Hey added food. Oh my god, please

I did a breakfast place one time where we ordered I ordered like eggs and then the guy brought french toast I go I didn't order french toast because we're no for french toast and I enjoyed You know the thing and I'm like, yeah And then my friend was with me. He goes this is the best level Of fame free french toast free french toast and no one's like taking pictures of you while you eat it No one's taking a picture and putting a magazine like fatty tom's eating french toast again What happened to the diet pal? It really is the worst though when you want it and it's not coming when I was when like I was living in new york

The iphone was coming out a newer iphone one of those new things happening and robert kelly's like Dude, all you got to do is go just go hang out there. I know there's lines, you know But you just walk in let them recognize you and they they bring you right in the back They do it with all the celebrities and it's not even like huge people They didn't they'll bring you in the back and they skip the line get to the new iphone I'm out of there in like 10 minutes. I was like, oh really bobby And I go and I'm hanging around making eye contact with anyone one in an apple t-shirt Nothing nothing happened. I came back. I'm like bobby. I mean nothing. I mean they didn't that didn't work at all

He goes, ah, it didn't work for me either I waited three hours like any other trump. Yeah, I could have been in line the whole time Yeah, and gotten the thing done. No, whenever you like really want it. It doesn't happen. No No, exactly. Yeah in a hotel like Trying to get an upgrade or now when you really want it doesn't happen and it shouldn't right shouldn't really keeps you like kind of Grounded and normal. I had a When I was doing a show I was living in california and I was doing a show in new york So I was traveling back and forth all the time and it was uh, and they had to travel fly you in the union

They have to fly you business class the whole time So I was getting business class flights all year and then it was just great And then it got canceled the show got canceled and then I ran out of my own miles Like the juice was like another year later. I'm back to Tom again. Yeah, and I'm in coach Ununited sitting in the back just middle seat back to normal. Yeah, and the flight attendant this flight attendant comes back And he goes what are you doing back here? And I'm like my show's canceled. I'm over it. I got no I got no prospects. He goes. Oh my god, and he

He marches to the front and then like uh towards the end of the flight He comes back with a cookie wrapped in a napkin. He goes you'll be back Oh, he handed me the cookie. Oh my god, and the coolest thing is Five six years later. I was in business class just getting in an upgrade and he came over and he goes I told you you'd be back really five years later Five years later. He remembered me the whole thing. He goes. I knew you'd be back. Do you remember me? I'm like you you're in my nightmare. Yeah I saw a therapist because yeah, exactly you made me feel you confirmed that I should feel as bad as I did

At the time because not I mean like the like the the feeling of being back there and you're like this sucks To have somebody articulate it. Yes loudly in front of everybody And then he leaves and everyone's like, well, who do you think you are? You shouldn't be here with us? I'm just like you guys. I'm not I'm actually I have a pretty important skill But you'll see Yeah, I'll be back. Oh my god, dude I was just in coach coming back this saturday. I had this crazy like show near San Francisco Red Eye to new york did a show right back at six in the morning. You know the dad flight back. Yeah

and in in coach next to this old couple and This woman next to me would fart And it would be loud. It would surprise me. It would surprise her equally And then she would get up and like run to the bathroom like something was happening And she had to go take care of it every time happened like six times on the flight loud fart loud like like a grandma loud You know, yeah, yeah, not like man loud right like grandma loud. Yeah, it's a different type of part Yeah, but enough for me to hear it with my boson. Yes, and uh With my boson

Yeah, yeah, that's close. Yeah, and uh that that's tough to like feel good about being in coach Like you're trying that to be like I'm in the front row of Of coach where if I get the upgrade, I mean, it's right there. People are laying down in beds with blankets right there It's the worst and I could and I'm just that American Airlines thing where you're just And I'm just trying to be you know what don't be an ass whole time. Just be cool Big what you should be buying business. Why yeah, just sit there for six hours like a normal person And just what why do you this isn't the part of my head? Yeah? And then this lady's farting on me for six hours. I'm like I really do not deserve this

Well, you didn't deserve the farts. I didn't no, but that's all that happens back there There is such a thing. I mean we get so used to talking about as comedians You remind yourself that the nation the world really is full of business travelers Right and when you're a business traveler, there is such a thing like there's such You get fixated on the upgrades and the status because the misery of commercial travel is real It's real like miserable, you know, I've been writing a lot over the last couple of years where I've got stuff I've got it. I haven't seen a movie on a plane in two years and I when you're in coach if the guy in front of you Puts his chair back a hair. You can't open your laptop. Mm-hmm. It's almost they're like they're like you're poor

Why should you try and get up? Why should you try and make more money doing what you do? Stay there and miss your assignments Now do you feel this because I had I just had this conversation with matt fulshan about There's this thing now where I I never even knew this was an issue And I feel like people are more vocal about it now where You're on a plane And you recline and people are like, hey, yes Uh, what are you doing reclining? Yeah, and you're like, wait, whoa, whoa. It's a foul. They all but they all recline

So like you can recline too. Is it a foul to recline? It's a foul. Why? Because they've shrunken the amount of space that they're jamming us in back there Yeah, they literally have taken all the space away. So what you could recline and not Really mess up the person behind you. Now if you just go a little bit that guy is suffering So you should not recline. You shouldn't recline. It's over. Really? Yeah, get a neck pillow drop it in front It's uh, it's a courtesy. I mean this this is but they put us in that situation It's not it's not the person behind you being unreasonable. It's not it seems like they are being under it's not them You're doing it too. It's they've just there's just no give. There's no give

It's the same as like the open. Isn't there a logic to Hey man, they go back for a reason Yeah Right like but that's a fake. It's a fake. It's a fake by the airline. It's like we still give you room Go ahead recline. I see what you're saying. Yeah, and then you recline and you're in a fist fight with a with a A copy machine salesman from Des Moines Because he's at his wit's end because he's on this flight all the time and he can't open his goddamn laptop I didn't consider the laptop part of it. Oh

I didn't consider that part of it. It's a furiating But I I mean the idea that like if I go like this and was like, hey man, I'm like, well, hey, what I know you can recline too I I try to let it all go. Yeah, I try to let it all go and if you want if you recline All right, I'll just deal with it. Yeah, you don't know. Maybe this is your only flight for the year True people who don't fly all the time. Yeah, they don't know. Hey, it does recline. Okay, you know, I'm not gonna attack and I have a brother-in-law that is like this traveler salesman frustrated kind of a thing and When someone he like he he's thinking about the guy reclining in front of him on his way to the airport

Right, you know what I mean down the jet bridge. Yeah He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it and then he did it and he starts jamming it and he gets like aggressive And there's a lot of guys like that. There are guys like that are I had a woman like that Yeah behind me one time and she goes. Hey, hey, hey, you can't do that And I was like what because you can't do I don't have any room just got she got real loud about it I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, I don't have any room. I don't have any room. I was like, okay I know those people are at their wit's end. They are and one time I I reclined this is like 10 years ago And I just went like in one swoop motion. Uh-huh and I just heard

And I was like what I turn he goes my knee He hurt my knee I was like, oh, I'm sorry It was an older guy My knee my knee you hurt my knee man You're killing me back here. I was like, I'm sorry I really just feel like they've taken they've really just sucked so much of the space out to the point where I even have like a wheelie bag That you know was sold to me for overhead and they're like, oh, this isn't and they're like, no, that doesn't fit anymore

That's like the old and you went back to the to me place and the new one is like So much smaller right and you're just torturing the shit out of people you're shrinking it down and now you can't fit your wheelie bag up in the top and then But and everyone's fighting for the top because they're being charged extra money A lot of people they're just paying for the ticket right now You're gonna charge them for their bag and then you're telling them I can't we're all in this like intense Battle royale and we can't um, I don't know man like no not one person or group is to blame but

You know you you travel abroad and you go. Why does everything seem to be? Working so much better. I mean the domestic travel here. It's all a nightmare. It's a nightmare. You pull up into lax I'll tell you give you an idea of lax is like you pull up to lax The cars are backed up Out onto The streets. Yeah that are that lead up into it right like it's like you're out on el sagundo boulevard or whatever It's longer to Drive around the airport than it is to get to the airport and they're like, you don't want me to drop you off at departures, right?

You're like, I mean, I am leaving That's real long. So I'll drop you off at arrivals. Yeah, you take you take five escalators Yeah, and you're like, okay, and then there's chaos there. There's chaos TSA security. Yeah, you get to the gate and it's just a like, you know, they get you bored by zones And it's just a mob of people sometimes I've done this where I've stood behind Somebody and I can see them holding their ticket and I've I've gone. Oh, you're not boarding right now Yeah, they're like what I go your zone three. Yeah, you're not boarding yet. Yeah, and they're like, what what does that mean? I go look at your look at your ticket

Good for you and then they're like Okay, and then they'll just walk up. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, they walk because some people know the oh, they're scumbags the the Foe ignorance. They're like they pretend they have alzheimers. They're just like bumbling with their ticket It happened to me in newark. Yeah, and this guy it was massive and they were holding boarding So the the crowd was a swelling and it was like, you know And they're really being adamant about the zones and this guy had like a six on his Yeah, and he had a hat and he was doing every move every passive aggressive Trying to make jokes with people on his way up trying to do and we're look I'm looking at him like this mother

He is he is just going for it. There was no justice. There was no stopping them people were saying loudly This is only his own one right now And it's like war the world's just trying to get down to the dock And he got to the front and the Gate attendant, which is your last line of defense. That's it. Looked at it and said, uh, uh, that's the best And he's like, what that's fake ignorance. What this is zone six, sir Oh, I'm just with my friend up there another bullshit thing. No, sir Get get out of the line. That makes you feel people were like. Yeah

You've got it. You twerp. I love the gate agent that sets me straight. I do It's like, what's the point of the fucking system? She literally said one thing I hate in this world is sneaks and liars I was like, oh I love you because some of them are broken and they your zone six and they're like fuck it just get on Yeah, they don't care that's why that person's going for it That's right because they might get that gate agent who's like, yes I just let anyone on most of the times if you act like an asshole you are rewarded It's true. I say it to my wife all the time like when she's calling for something like for the house or something at school with the kids

And it's like, no, they say they wouldn't do it. I guess she's not going to summer camp. They just won't let I'm like You think that other moms are not like raising hell I said you have to act like a spoiled piece of garbage. Yes, and you're get you'll get everything you want If you're just like, oh, that's cool. All right. Sorry. They said no. Yeah, they said no No, you got to call up my child. Yeah, he's getting in there. Who do you work for? She is on drop And she will stay on them unless you let us. All right. All right, you are killing my daughter I had a guy once this is like the opposite where They go and we are because you know, they also have multiple announcements

Yeah, so they'll be like reporting and then they're like like no that gate's boarding not this gate Right exactly. No, we meant charlotte north caroline. Okay, so they announced We are pre-boarding this flight if you need extra help and the guy here goes, are you gonna board? I go, well, no, he goes. Well, they're boarding and I go. They're pre-boarding. Do you need to pre-board? And he's like, my god Like he's like real aggressive like he's like, are you not gonna walk? Oh, I was like, well, no Traveling with someone Is the best way to see if you can be friends with this person True

It comes out when you travel and people get in those stress and it is stressful I get it But if you get if you like I've had good friends that just become that guy. Yeah, just like well, but that's just the way And you're like, oh, I guess we're not hanging out anymore I did a bunch of dates with josh potter and uh, he has you know thick glasses. He has bad vision I was like, hey, dude We're boating we're boarding different zones. Just get in the handicap zone And and just say you need help. Yeah, and and he was like, okay

So I I walked him over to this line and I go he needs help and I just left him there And then I walked over and they're like and he did this He looked up And then a guy another passenger was like, I'll help you and he was like, thank you and then and then He put his hand on that guy's shoulder. They walked out and the guy goes. Hey man, that's tomsa girl There And he's like, I can't see like, I don't even know

I've never saw a tomsa girl because I can't see things. I don't see at all I was like, we gotta do this all the time What would be great if that guy was zone six and in on the scam? He's like, I'll help him. I'll help He's like, I know you can't yeah, I know you can see you fucking asshole Um, so wait, where did you shoot the special? I shot it in Newark. You shot it in Newark. Yeah, Newark, New Jersey. What that was does any reason you chose it or not? Well, I'm from Jersey

And you don't strike me as a jersey guy. Yeah, you know why why articulate put together I mean, it is funny, you know, we have so many associations with different places Yeah, and like, you know, jersey for most people just symbolizes Nothing nice. No, I know, you know, well you fly into Newark airport And you get on the New Jersey turnpike And you watch the jersey shore and you think that's jersey right and you're like and for 95% of it. It is It's pretty accurate. Yeah, but there's some good. There's still a lot of great stuff for it And I I just have this affinity for all of these great old cities in New Jersey

Like the sake and Patterson and Newark and Trenton and Camden and like these were all like amazing places Amazing cities that are all on their ass. Yeah, they're just, you know, poverty and drugs and it's A lot of tax money in New Jersey and it's a lot of corruption. These politicians just ruined These great great places. It is amazing how Uh, there can be these like a corrupt city. Yeah, and the corruption seems like it's In the DNA like you like Chicago is another place where The corruption lasts Decades so deep and into like centuries and you think about it like if you

I've thought about it like in these places and I've done stuff for politicians in New Jersey and you see these guys and Don't seem like bad people. Some seem shady, but you know, like I always think like well, what if I were to become the mayor of One of these towns, right? Do you realize like what those first week of meetings must be like? Like who shows up and who tells you the way things really run, right? You're like, I'm gonna make clean the streets and they're gonna have lemonade stands and we're gonna help the schools Right and some dudes like so this is what happens. You give us a hundred thousand dollars off of the transit budget Every six months or your wife, uh, will be chopped up and put in the river

You know what? I mean, there's got to be a lot of that right or that and also like or if you by the way If you don't grant these guys this bill, right? The problem the thing is that they are in bed with these guys and they're gonna block the thing that you want to do So it's up to you Deep deep rooted people making a lot of money off of it and but there's when you're in these places You know, my sister runs this nonprofit in uh, clifton called city green, which helps all of these young families and people in these cities with Uh city gardens and learning gardens and it's through nature trying to help these

Places out and it really has like a real effect and But you you just see like there's a craving of these people that are living in these places It's their city. It's their life. That's they can't move anywhere else. They just want a good happy life Right and they're struggling. So I just felt like if I did Any like any just little shine a light. I think it takes a million lights But I think if just shooting my special in newark in this great victoria theater was a cool thing to do you know and and You know because I come from there I had this great following

So they all showed up so the shows had a real pop to them Yeah, they're all you know my fans and they're excited to be there and it was just uh It also gives people they're like, you know, whenever anybody whenever you shoot Anything anywhere. Yeah the people in that town always have a sense of pride about that. Totally. They don't forget it I did one in cleveland and I'm like, you know, I have It's like that's my one of my hometowns now, right like every time you go back every time you go back I remember. Yeah, and this special is like very uplifting. It's very positive. It's very much like, you know, you're doing great Yeah, you're kind of fighting against the anxiety of the world like I know things aren't amazing

But you know what they're not supposed to be and you actually are doing pretty great so that whole kind of That whole kind of uh theme in that place with those people just seemed like the right combo Very cool. Yeah, it was very cool. Yeah We were talking about you yesterday because Bert and I were we're thinking we're like, you know, we've both we didn't know that we both have talked to therapists about the fact that we feel badly About not having hobbies. Uh-huh. Um, and it's like, you know, like hobbies seem cool and we both at the same time were like

You know like tom papa with bread Yeah, you know, it's like did you Always have a passion for that. No, so it just it came about Yeah, I always like to cook like I come from italians So there was a lot of cooking in our heritage. My mother was a great cook and my grandparents and food was always the thing that United us. I would hang with my father eating food. Like it was a thing, you know And uh, are you both at your parents italian? Yeah, um, yeah, one is full italian one is italian and german. Okay, and um And it was just food is a way that we just kind of celebrated and connected and it was another language

You know So what it wasn't it so I would always cook a little bit Yeah, and then when I was just in this writer's room with a friend of mine And he started telling me about sourdough bread and how he Bakes it from this live starter that he has in his refrigerator. It's this living organism that you turn into bread and I came home and just told my family about it at dinner and my daughter Got a sourdough starter Going for me for Christmas and gave me this goo

You just put flour and water in a bowl. It's very thoughtful by the way Very, I think uh, only a daughter would do that not a son. Yes, you know, I mean no, totally He'd be like you ever fucking make that bread Right your daughter's like I thought I thought about the thing you said that one and I stirred it together And I hid it from me for a week and now here's your city. Yeah very female thing very girl very girl And uh, and I just started doing it and it was so Great, it was very meditative and it was like you talk about having a hobby

I never really had a hobby either right and this is a hobby that you can eat Yeah, it's the best You know, yeah at the end and the house just fills with that smell of bread And I just started getting really good at it and just kept I couldn't believe I was doing it So it that led me into doing it more and more and more and learning about it And then you all of a sudden this is what you're kind of craving is You're looking at websites. You're getting books. You're ordering stuff and you're doing all this I just I just got really really into it and um

I started putting up Videos on youtube called getting baked with tom. Uh, just to show other people how to get into this hobby So if you ever want to look at it like to see like that's all to do it because it's not like i'm not a pro I'm not going to tell you this isn't going to be like no a chef telling you but right It's like a comedian saying I don't know I use this wooden spoon and put it in here and it works for me and it works But it's it is a cool thing to have in your life for sure I think I mean, I've done I did a cooking class I've done two and I got enormous satisfaction out of them and especially applying

Yeah, just those one day classes To making something. Yeah, and then of course you eating it But like really it's like giving it to other people like hey, I made this and you see them go like Jesus That's a that's a big thing. Do your does your family like the sourdough bread? They do they do they do yeah And when it's missing like if i'm away for a while and it's missing they all feel guilty about buying bread now Oh, right. Yeah, and because it's so much shittier. It's so like It's not even real bread. Yeah, you know, and there's something to it. There's like a part of your subconscious That is satisfied by getting better at something

And you know you do it with your act and you do it with your career and all that but that's balled up in Everything else, you know and take care of your family and making money and doing all that kind of stuff and where there's joy and performing It's different. This is like a quiet small thing that all of a sudden years into it just your sense of like Knowing exactly how much flowers in your hand it and you you put it on the scale and you're right Yeah, you know what I mean or exactly how long that's going to be or just feeling it knowing

This is going to actually turn out amazing and and you're not even close to the end All those little things that your subconscious is now Educated on and became good at doing. Yeah, there's something weird that happens to you. You just get a sense of Belonging and achievement and peace. Yep, which sounds kind of deep But it does all things do give it to you and and I think those are ultimately the things you're seeking when you go I want a hobby. Yeah, I want to I want to it's not just that I want to master this one thing Yeah, it's that I want all those little connectors to go off. Yeah, like I know how this bow feels in my arm Right. I mean like yeah. Yeah familiarity of something specific that not everybody can do

Yeah, I have some proficiency in doing that brings me satisfaction. Yeah, you know, what would you what else would you do? Well, I mean the cooking thing is is definitely exciting. I've always loved cars You know, I've done like track days and I and it is a thrill. It really is. Yeah I think it's beyond the thrill that people imagine who just go. Oh, you just want to race. It's like, yeah You end up realizing that the car is a machine like any other like a computer is a machine Right and you know, somebody can get on this computer and blow your mind like writing code And when you uh, when you take you think you're a proficient driver Yeah, if you've been driving a while and then you you go for a lap with a with a professional driver

And you're like Jesus, I might as well be fucking 13 You're right like the way that they command the machine right and so like those little the I like that about that experience Yeah, the guy is telling you to break somewhere. You're like, how can I possibly break there? Yeah and make those turns like because that's just how the physics of this work and you're taking that that machine to its highest Yes level and seeing what it can do. Yeah, it's fun. It's amazing fun. So I really enjoyed that I guess like, you know, I can pursue it one of the things that like holds you back. So to speak on that is the You know the burden of You know getting to like there's a lot. They're not a track like no, I know near your house. It's a big day

You know, it's a big day. Yeah, so that's one of those things and I think with our the type of careers We have you have so much limited time. Yeah to do something. You know, no, it's hard to come home It's hard to have some hobby or some golf or something where you come home off the road and say now I know I've been away, but now is my golf weekend. Yeah. It's like, no, that's not happening. I will see you guys midweek Yeah, but the comedians like Seinfeld and Leno, yes, who love it. Yes, either Either they're always looking to buy the next one that becomes part of the hobby that is part of the reading about it Buying it researching finding the great ones. I do consume the information. Yeah, and I enjoy that

Yeah, and then Leno takes it to another level, which is the mechanics of it Like really getting in the shop with it and working on that. That is of no interest to me. Yeah I think I'm much more just like I like studying like, you know, like looking at them Figuring out what their performance is and saying like whether or not there's like this reaction of this real reaction to it, but like he's like, you know You got to change the oil and I'm like, no, you don't. Yeah. I don't I don't need to right Yeah, I don't do that. No. Yeah. I was thinking about Bert actually on the way over because uh He seems like he's getting into wine now

Oh, yeah Then like a different way like like he's I saw him hold up a couple like nice bottles And I'm like that's a tricky hobby though because I did it too where you're like Yeah, this is no, this is 2003. Yeah, Chattanooga pop from whatever and you're like you can jazz it up all you want You're still hammered at midnight. You know what I mean? For sure It's it's a tricky hobby. I've enjoyed that. Um, that Educating myself a little more on wine because I've always been like, I don't know red I know and then you start I started to understand certain pairings make more sense

Yeah, it's it. I mean it feels good to like actually comprehend that sure, but um, yeah, it feels like I could go down a real Dark path with wine guy. I know and it's not even like a it's not even like dark like getting hammered down It's like a money pit too. Oh, yeah, it's like all of a sudden I found myself in like a whole wine shop Did you spend $60,000? Yeah, well, you don't understand the value. No, but it's a 2005 I mean and then there's like that with whiskey and yeah, the bourbon that hop. Yeah, I know that's why bread is very It's very good. It's healthy Like there's no negative off of it because even like as fattening as carbs can be

This kind of bread it's flour water salt and yeast and it's breaking the sugars down before you even eat it So it doesn't have the impact is on you on a dietary way that other bread has So there's like really nothing Bad with it. My favorite bread like Food in the world or croissants. Oh my god, and I I did mini croissants in a french cooking class You did. Yeah, and I and and then I my one of the things that I mastered That because in the funny thing is it's a french cooking class And they brought out a book and they're like, here's these 12 things. I'm like, we're doing these today

12 things. Yeah, and they're like, no We'll practice a few and then the rest you'll do at home. I'm like, well, the ones we'll do at home We'll just we'll never do them well. Yeah, you're not teaching us them Like tell us like what are we gonna learn? And then he's like, well, what do you want to learn? I'm looking through this thing. I have to like page through it quickly And I was like, I mean chocolate souffle so I did that that day and then I made chocolate souffles

Yeah, every night for A few months. Oh really? Oh, yeah, and then I put on like, I don't know 25 pounds And like people would come over, you know, you guys want to try this souffle and they're like that seems like a lot Like you want to just have dinner? I'll make you a chocolate souffle So it just I would just you know, I just good, but I now I haven't made them in a while. Yeah That is a high impact thing. I do feel like you should get good cooking wise Yeah, it's busy. You should get good at making like a handful of things Yeah, like there's like maybe four or five like great pasta dishes. I can make yeah, and I'm just I'm not gonna vary

I'm not I'm not gonna pretend I can do everything. Yeah, I just get really good Like I always thought like piano. Mm-hmm. It would be cool to know one song. Yeah really? Well, yes be at a party and just be like Oh piano But I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, just walk away the coolest the coolest the coolest You don't have to look you don't have to study forever. You don't have to learn It's worth getting a piano teacher to be like, can you teach me just one cool song one Billy Joel song? And then I'll just that'll be my thing. Yeah, and then you always walk away. Yeah, people are like, it's fucking still there I don't want to show off

Yeah, no, I think getting really good at small things Is is a smart move. Yeah, there's not enough time to get Really good at something that's so has so much depth to it. Yeah when you're busy you got your act to do you got your family You know That's that's that's enough. That's enough. You're right. I think I want to pursue that. I was uh, I was at Largo last night doing a show and I and Zach Alfinakis was on and he's been begging me to Show him how to make bread and I so I put some sourdough starter, which is just like paste It's like goo. Yeah in a mason jar and I gave it to him

And it was almost like he didn't realize what he was asking for He was like, I just want to bake bread. He's like holding this goo in his hand like I don't know what I'm gonna do with this. Yeah I know it's in the garbage right now. You're like, uh, you're like the it's like he's like the kid who's like I want to learn how to box And you're you gave you put like a pair of shoes in front of his house like run 12 months. He's like, I just want to fight people Exactly. Yeah, maybe I don't want a box. Yeah. Why did you give me a jump rope? Yeah Because you're gonna jump rope for a long time first. Yeah. Um, is this the lady you think that you sat next to on the plane?

Kind of looks similar I got it. I got a shoot the lady next to me was more frail Yeah, but she did have the same glasses look Could be her it could be her that is how she went down the aisle. Like I said, we were in the front row Just like that hand on her hand on her ass like I've got to make it. Got to make it. I love that She was like, oh, I'm doing a cool fart video And then the immediate regret of like, oh, that's right. This can happen when you make fart You can push too hard something actually came out of my ass The gas is actually there for a reason

Did uh, so wait you shot this win I shot it probably end of october end of october How much new stuff you got? About 20. Yeah, okay about 20 because they moved it up They liked it so much That it was going to come out in the spring and they moved it up to february So I My plan of how much time I was gonna have to

Gather up some new bits was shortened. Yeah But it's you know, I don't I don't be myself up about it. I like that. Tell me talk to me Tell me how you like well, I get this is like, you know, we've both been through this A few times. Yeah, so now you get to the point where you're like what I tell people is that the dread Of Oh, I need new I need new stuff is familiar. Yeah It's still it still feels

There's like an emptiness and a dread that I feel. Yeah, but I recognize it and I know it'll go away I know I have to do the work. Yeah, but I still feel The shittiness. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, you know, it's complicated because So somebody sees your special. Yeah, and they you come to the town and they're like, why didn't you do that bit? Yeah Well, I'm going into new stuff and they look at you kind of cross-eyed like yeah But I really like that bit and that works and I saw it once and I wanted to see it live and you didn't do it live And why are you doing this stuff? That's kind of funny, right? Right. I really love that that bit

So and that was happened to me all the time Like, you know, I'd go to a club and they'd be like, we see you every time you come through the last four years and And I always get paranoid and I'm like, I hope you're seeing some new stuff and they look at you like what that's not even What are you talking about? You just like you and there's this kind. Yeah, right. We just like you. We just like you We just want to be come to the tom show. Yeah and I really believe that there is a small minority of snarky

Comedy nerds that will go on twitter and be like, I saw it before Yeah, yeah, I saw half of it whatever and that plays to our artistic Uh insecurity to such a degree that you feel really bad And 98% of the audience does not care and they know you're working through some stuff and if you were to Have some chunk of the stuff Short answer is I'm not going to go up and bomb when I go to Minneapolis Just in the honor

In in in the name of getting new stuff, right? This is their one time. They're gonna see me in these two years I'm gonna kill. Yeah, this is their night out. They want to see me if they want if they're gonna come back This has to be a good experience. Yeah, so wherever I'm at. I'm at Yeah, if I've got 20 minutes of new stuff and do a little crowd work That's more than half the show is new. Right. That's I agree. That's pretty great. I I totally agree with you Yeah, when you do uh when you're at this stage right now, are you like are you the morning wake up? Nope guy like, you know, I mean, do you like do you do longhand or do you just go like I'm just gonna try something the night like no, I still right. I'd still like to write

I say I like to rewrite, you know, like I have a I have this chunk of stuff that I'm working on now and It's when I first brought it up It was just a couple lines of an idea That I wanted to go into basically that That assholes have had their moment and it's time for the good guys to come back. Yeah, and I had a couple ideas and then I went up on stage with it Did it and then I get to work on then I'll start to write it. Yeah, like go back home and be like

Okay, so that was that there was something there you get excited. Oh, they yeah that premise is good And then I start Noodling around with it and see if I can go further with it then bring it up on stage and depending what the week is How motive, you know, I don't want to pretend that I'm like, you know, really Cracking it every time, you know, sometimes you all of a sudden your life gets away from you and you're On your way to the comedy store again, and you haven't done anything on it. Yeah. Yeah, and you're like, oh Just listen to it though. I do record it. That's a good idea. Just listen to it in the car I really believe and the bread was part of it was that your subconscious is very is a hard worker

Your subconscious is going to work a lot when you're not even aware of it So if you feed it just by looking at your notes Just looking at a couple lines listening to it on your way to the set It is Going to work and shows up on stage. I agree and it really does all of a sudden you're like It's doing the work. I don't have to sit alone at a desk to get the work done all the time So yeah, it's really in the rewriting when I start going into it. Yeah, I mean that's that's very I mean I I also find like right now

The dread is like passing a shot in November. Okay, and it becomes it sort of becomes the most thrilling part Yeah, which is like the creation of new things. Yeah, because not too long from now It'll be kind of like set and then you're like performing that everywhere. Yeah, which is fun But you're like the creation part is like the most exciting part Don't you find when you get close to taping And like say for like the last three months of it. You're like really dialed in tightening it up getting it getting it getting it And this is happening to you like when you get close all of a sudden something new pops up that makes the special

Yeah, which is so weird because you're working so hard for a couple years at this thing and then all of a sudden Something walks in and makes the lineup. It does in the last like I added I added two even lines To a joke that I was like I didn't realize I was looking for these for like a year Yeah, and the other one that I did was that the night after I taped I did two shutters And I added a line to a joke that made it Kill yeah, and then when I watched it. I was like, you know what? I can actually everything I can take this out of the special

To save it and and yeah, and it's smart. Yeah, because I was like it's so much better with the line I thought you were gonna say you found some way to put the line in We shoot to someone in the audience I'm gonna do ADR and then he goes and then just drop that in No, I just I just realized I was like, oh, it's worth it. It's smart. It's worth cutting. That's really smart That's that's good that you found it in that time though because a lot of times You'll it'll be filmed. It'll be locked. It'll air and then you come up with a line that's like, oh This is so much better now. You think so much clearly as soon as the cameras are done. Isn't it amazing?

Yes, it's really amazing. It's like over and you're just free. You're free Oh and that next night if you do it if you do shows the next night Yeah, you're just like this other person. I was fighting a flu the kind of thing We're into the special so I was really hanging on to my voice And is 20 minutes after the second show was over. It was gone It just all my adrenaline was hanging onto it. Yeah, and it just split and I had to go to Idaho Falls the next morning for this theater Show the next night. No voice like really like pushing it. It's our only instrument

I got it's I got like maybe 40 of it And but just knowing the specials over Small voice going slow so they would hear me just so relaxed I felt like it was the best show I had all year for sure. It was just so great. Yeah, it's so great freeing Yeah, yeah, it's the best feeling man. Yeah, it really is but there's nothing better like when you talk about the anxiety of like getting new stuff When you get like one line that you know This is going to be like In the lineup. This is gonna be a this is a great line. Let's get you are just sailing for

Oh, yeah, months. Yeah, it's months like you just feel so great and it can change like the Change your whole set. Yeah, you know, like you could be like, uh, you come up with that line Yeah, next show you're just like wait till I get to say this line. Yeah, it does make you feel like nothing else I know I was talking to ali wang about it the other night and she was it was smart like the because she's up against having to get some new stuff out and She said i'm not coming to the club anymore with like a whole big thing that I want to try and memorize this whole thing She goes, I'm gonna do one line at a time get that one line really set and add that that night and add that the next night

That's interesting. Isn't it? Yes. It's smart because it's accurate. You know, it's like a smart way to rather than paraphrasing all of it Yeah, really get that one down. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting really crazy. I didn't do it But yeah, but I'll remember you said that that's good for you. Yeah Different things work for different people Um, are you uh, are you back on the road right now? Uh, yeah, just starting up. I just starting up. I uh, I go out and start touring now and my Second book comes out in may. What's your second book? It's called, uh, you're doing great and other reasons to stay alive Oh, yeah, dude. It's pairing up with that title of the special. Yeah, somebody went to their marketing class

Which I wasn't really sure like yeah, it's hurt or help But now the special is doing well. So I think it'll help that's gonna and it just takes it further It takes everything further. It's it's there's very little of the act in the book Um, but the theme is the same the theme the theme is still like positive. I'm with you. Yeah, I'm with you I I take a look at the small things in life and realize that things are pretty great. Do you do that? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, yeah, were you always like that? Um Yeah, different. Yeah, I have a sense of positivity for sure that my grandparents my grandmother's really instilled in all of us

Like yeah, it was taught. You were never one of those guys. You're like, that guy's a snarky fucking No cynical prick. No, and I wasn't and I was always taught to be grateful. I was always taught that This every day is great as a blessing kind of a thing which sounds corny now that twitter has co-opted any kind of Yeah, sincerity about that, but I really was taught that and you know, I had People in my life and deaths in my life and heart things in my grandparents never let us Uh wallow in it. They were just like, yeah, that's what life is. So now what are we gonna do today? Right, you know Okay, that really sucks. Yeah, I get it and it's gonna hurt for the rest of your life

but What are we gonna do with the rest of our life? Let's go. Yeah, and That was really taught and I know there's also a part that's just genetically you you get lucky That you don't have to battle with a lot of depression. Sure I'm I definitely Won that lottery where I don't have heavy demons chemically working against me But I do believe at every level you can kind of learn to At least just lift yourself up just a little bit more just give yourself a little more perspective

Yeah, and at every level and our worst and I so I just really really really carry that and in the times that we're in Where you feel like Even if you're doing well, I think social media and the cable news and so much shit is against us this raging river That no other human brain has had to deal with this onslaught of negativity. Yeah, it's hard to wait against that So I just kept thinking Well, let me just keep articulating at least what I see like I have a whole chapter just on coffee I have a whole chapter just on Eating with your family like all that kind of stuff and you know, it's funny. It's like, you know, it's subversive and it can

It could lead to different other things not just this Gleeful, you know thing, you know, there's darkness and whatever to it But it ultimately I love I don't like any art that doesn't give me hope at the end. Yeah Yeah, even when carlin Like I loved george carlin so much. Yeah, and there was a couple specials towards the end where he didn't let you off the hook He was like this sucks. This sucks. This sucks. Good night. And I was like, ah I didn't like that. I liked when he said this sucks. This sucks, but we can do it. Yeah, but we'll be okay Right, you like this is worth it. Yeah, that is kind of where I live

Right, so that's where I wrote that that is fascinating. Yeah, and I like that a lot too. Yeah, I like it I I try to remind myself a lot to practice gratitude because I feel better about everything when I take a moment to Feel yeah, express my own gratitude for everything. Yeah, like for my life for the Yeah, for career for family and I go like, you know, there's so much for me to to be grateful for I try to remind myself To to get into that practice. I think a key word that you said was take a moment Because I think we we start to think that

You're just supposed to live like some Buddhist monk and just fly through and be grateful 24 hours a day And if you're not you're failing. No, no, no, we live in a big hard-ass capitalist society We got to work hard. We got to hustle. We got to do all this stuff So you can't be this like blissful flower that's just or you're not going to make it But a moment like just a moment to sit back and say, all right This is I got to hang with my friend today. I get to See my kid fart in the kitchen. This was a this was a good day Yeah, and then go back to the craziness but a moment of it is good. Yeah

um Look, you're you're always um, one of my favorites to watch And I love watch like when you when you're in the room I I make sure to watch because I feel like I actually get inspired By good stand-up. Yeah, I realized that I was also beating myself up But not not just not having a hobby, but I was like, I'm not like I don't think I'm a fan Of anything and then I realized that I'm actually a super fan of stand-up. Yeah, like that's why I got into it Yeah, I love it so much. Yeah, and you're one of the great

Comics to watch. Oh, thanks. You know, so I just like I I feel like I get charged up when I watch really good stand-up what's cool too is like and the reason I like watching you is that You have a just a different pacing that I really admire and it's like it's like a someone who Punches just as hard but looks effortless in a different way. Yeah, that right. I mean, that's what's so great about all our friends It's like you watch rogan do his thing It's his watch. Yeah, you watch ali do her thing watch maria bamford do her thing. Yeah, all so different all so great Yeah, yeah, I know I The fan part is like

You I forget about it too Yeah, you forget and it's like but wait like all these people are coming to these shows because it is the most fun thing to watch It's the most fun it is to let yourself like enjoy it and have fun with it Is uh, it's pretty smart when you see like a really fun set. Yeah, even as a guy you watch somebody up there Yeah, and they're just in a zone. Yeah, it's it's the most fun thing to watch And it makes you just be like I want to do better stand-up. Yeah, I know Yeah, it should make you a little mad at the end Geez tom's got a new hour in two months

Oh See tom on the road most importantly right now check out the special You're doing great on netflix in may the book. You're doing great and And um running around on tour. Oh, uh, oh, oh you're doing great and other reasons to stay alive and other reasons Yeah, I thought you're like what else you got going on. No, I just forgot the rest of the time I was like how much more do I have to do? I mean do you not want to work? So Uh, no, but thanks for coming by today, man. Oh, thanks for giving me the chance to Spread the word of course, and I'm so glad christina wasn't here so we could actually talk. Yeah. Thank you

Yeah, I always like to leave the audience when christina isn't here with a little clip of hers Good point All right, that's yeah All right, this is it. This is my day. I'm so excited at your mom's house. I Normally don't give a fuck about any of our guests I wake up, but I'm like who's coming in don't care, but this Guest we have today. I have loved for a decade tom and I have discussed her on the show How many years ago? I know she and I have so much in common

We're both mothers creative people and excellent rappers. Please welcome christian. Thank you Thank you guys for having me. It's very exciting. It's very exciting and and she is not exaggerating. She has been talking about You coming on from From whenever the video that was sent to you. I was so excited when you reached out. Yeah Because I put out my own jam. I thought I mean, I thought you were gonna tell me you were pregnant again You're like, oh my god, and I was like, what? Christia messes me. I was like, oh, Jesus christ. Yeah, so excited. I was like sup

Sup girl. Yeah, you were so cool and and and really that's that's the thing is that you are so cool And I was inspired to recreate Your big hit Gucci Gucci on my instagram. Yeah on the grumb and then you saw how good my My rhymes were Yeah, you're like, what's up? Can we collaborate on some shit? I want to feature on this next track. Yeah, I could feel it Yeah on a scale of one to ten ten being the best rap you've ever seen What was my rapping like be honest? I'd give it a seven and a half

Wow And a half. Yeah Tell me three fourths actually Seriously I'm I'm just oh stop it in the dog what he's typing I give me taste no I can't do it in front of the artist in front of a sure you can I do it after here Yeah, but I'm so embarrassed. She wants that seven and three quarters. Give it to her. You don't like Gucci She's got the lyrics written down right there. Can I tell you my favorite lines of yours? Yeah

I just I'm serious. Okay. I'm being so sincere. First of all, let me preface this by saying I fell in love with you because It was like I never seen a girl so young Who we're such a you're so self motivated. I think is what I love about you is you're like fucking I just got this computer. I'm gonna make some crazy computer art. Yeah, I'm gonna make my own shit I'm the editor director And my own boss the videos definitely elevate everything, you know nails fierce with the gold gloss Which means I ain't nobody getting over me

I got the swag and it's pumping out my ovaries Is there any Which you which obviously when it's your hit so you don't everyone hates I'm sure whoever sings margarita wants to yeah I don't think he minds For some reason that song when it comes on it's like it's like really loud Like it's I always ask I'm like is this sound loud to you and they're like no and I'm like it sounds like like static Like really yeah, you know like those memes where like the bass is all turned up like and it's like they call it ear rape Yeah, oh you feel like that's all I feel like it's the ear rape

You hate it so much and is it is it because I hate it so much Is it because it was such a it was such a monster I don't know hit and it's you know, it's like traumatic. You know like this is that we talk about it in therapy You know like it's just like trauma. You do you really talk about it there? Yeah Really that song. Yeah What do you talk about? What do you say? But isn't like the like the message of that song is is pretty cool. You don't care. I mean, yeah, no It is pretty cool. Yeah, you know what show. I don't know if you've ever seen this. I went on the doctors

Yeah, did I didn't see you. I was so funny What did you do? I went on the doctors and it was like a segment called are you a basic bitch? I was just cracking up because I'm like this is like a doctor's show. It's like medical information and then They're like we have cray Sean Doctor cray Sean and I'm like, well, you know, it's just about consumerism and like I'm trying to be all like But it kind of and that's why you're so brilliant. I think is because it was It was not simple. That's the wrong word. Um, what's the word I'm looking for it wasn't it wasn't It wasn't convoluted. It was so direct and you could tell it was like here's this young girl

In oakland and her friends and she's making these videos and bumping bumping. We love bumping bumping. We do. We love We stand bumping. You like bumping bumping. Yeah What's with writing on elephants? Um, I don't know. What what did I say? Young Sean On an elephant elegant elegant. I had to put it. I love it. Oh, doesn't that start with custa at your house, bitch? Yeah That's a real phone call. That's a real phone call. It was being recorded. No shit. Yeah

Did you know you were gonna use it like or you wait? Um, no, well what I was making that stay at your house. Yeah, I said can I say I was uh recording with the guy who produced it and he kind of Would do the saying where he'd be like just do everything over and over Over and over for like 30 minutes. He like leave the room So I was just like he kind of just used vocal samples So it wasn't really like necessarily over that beat So I was just like saying everything over and over

I answered the phone like in the middle of the song and like he put it in there Can you hear me bitch? Because it's so real and that's why I love it so much It's always been real. Well, I think that one of the reasons that song popped so hard is like yeah, it slaps but it's also that You come across as like super Authentic as yes, you know, I mean when she says you're cool It's like because you're you're watching that video you hear that song and it sounds like it's an authentic person You know doing it. It doesn't sound like a lesbian. I mean you did and I thought you were a lesbian

I thought you were a lesbian. Yeah Yeah, wait, were you I have to know I have so many important questions for you creshawn. Oh, I mean That's on here. Is she a lesbian? I gotta say it's I I enjoyed it because I was like, oh my god a cute lesbian Yeah, we were so excited Articles would come out and they'd be like lesbian rapper and I'd be like wait Okay, most of you picture a lesbian rapper you picture like Nadav, you know, you don't picture it like I See you and I'm like wow, she's gorgeous one big room full of bad bitches So I thought it was about you liking girls. So it wasn't

Uh, like back then I mean, I okay long story short like I I used I liked girls like got you physically And then I had sex with a girl and I was like, whoa Not digging this, you know, I didn't do the thing. Um, it's more of like for me. It was like a pimp Like pimp perspective, you know, like Like you got bitches. Yeah I'm a pimp. You're a pimp. Yeah, I like being around pretty girls like made me feel good, right? Oh, that's so interesting. See you're interesting I really like this. So let's start from the beginning lesbian pimp. You're a lesbian pimp, but I love this

I have so many questions for you Okay, birth name is not cray Sean No, no What is your given your christian name go ahead Natasha Natasha and you're my jewish name your jewish name Natasha zolot zolot is hungarian. No zolots russian russian means gold Oh You like that. That's good. I'm just saying sounds fierce. You could be a double agent. I buy it Natasha zolot

totally Okay, and then you're born in were you born in oakland san francisco san francisco So what happened? How did how did a young natasha get to oakland? Um, I lived in san francisco for 10 years and then like The 2000 tech boom happened. Yes, I remember that. Yeah, that was the first layer of san francisco gentrification Yes, I lived there at that time I was in college and I had to rent out a tiny little room for like a thousand dollars a month And I lived under the stairs like harry potter with like four other girls on fulton street Yeah, uh, anyway, so your mom was a musician. Yeah, was she in a punk band, right? Yeah

And so what's the deal? Didn't she get pregnant with you when she was super young? Yeah, she Had me when she was 17. Oh my god, and then um She made like she kept making music. She kept doing her thing and touring and all that while I was a kid Well, yeah, she was so young. She was touring. Yeah, so who who raised you who stuck around? Um, It was a community thing, you know, like who's the community friends Friends and friends, you know friends of friends It's like I saw this meme and it was like this guy's telling me his uncle, but he's just like My mom's friend that changed my diaper a couple times, you know

But that's like how I am like all these like people I'm not related to are like my aunts and uncles and like I love them and That's so cool. But your mom was essentially a teenager when she had you and like this gnarly Like punk rock singer. Yeah, I was just looking I was just thinking on the way here I was like I'm 30 now And when my mom was 30 I was 13 Whoa So I was like jeez imagine dealing with a 13 year old right now. I'd fucking right now. Yeah kick her ass

I know, right? Yeah, were you a punk ass a little 13 year old? I was fucking horrible. Yeah. Yeah I was terrible. And were you guys at that time you were uh, uh, you're already in oakland, right? Yeah Yeah, so you moved to oakland because it's hella hella to use san francisco expression expensive Hell it got hella expensive it got hella expensive, bro And oakland back then was really dicey. Yeah, because I know I think it's different now, but no, yeah Yeah, it was dicey as fuck. I know I remember I mean oak You lived there, but I'm saying the reputation has even changed too. Everybody talks about they're like, oh Everyone moves to oakland because san francisco has become so crazy expensive the whole area now oakland's just like just when I go up there

I feel very uncomfortable in oakland. Yeah, why is that because it's just like I see things happening that like Like streets with like vegan bakeries. I was like, I remember that street like you couldn't walk down that street like and now all these people are like pushing their baby carriages and having Gluten-free Yeah, whatever's and I'm just like this is makes me uncomfortable. I don't know what you know is changing like what you grew up with Yeah So you're 10 years old you're in oakland What are you doing? How do you become? I mean you were fucking by the time you get a record deal off of

Was it gucci gucci? Yeah, I mean you're what 22? 21 Okay, so what happens from like isn't that bananas? It's it's such a crazy story. So how do you get to how do you get started in music? You want to do like 10 years 10 years? Yeah, yeah So when we moved to oakland we moved in this place with my mom's boyfriend at the time and he was

Really cool. I loved him and he was really into music. He had turntables. He had music production equipment He had trombones guitars. He was like Really brought out my mom because my mom quit doing music at one point. She just stopped when I was like I don't know maybe eight or something. She just turned it off. Didn't make anything up. Why what happened? I think she had like a traumatic experience with touring and stuff and she kind of just Cut it off. Yeah, and thought that like that would help I don't know But she met him and she was like all fun again having fun making music

And um, he would let me make beats like on his thing. There's a program called acid That's really old. I think people still use it, but I would make beats and me and my friend we would make like mix tapes and like hand them out We like get on the mic and make little raps and um I think that that I mean that's where it started like making music on a computer was like, oh So do you have any I was wondering when like when you when you're young and you're doing things like that, you know Like I remember like the music kids

it's it kind of feels like Most people have like a dream about it going somewhere But that Essentially, most people are like, well, you know, I mean like I'm in school like this is something I do for fun Like do you think it's for fun? Or do you really like are you already like thinking this could be career stuff? You know, I mean at 10. Well, I mean when as well Teenager when you're a teenager you're doing it. Um, I did it mostly for fun You know like goofing off because like I could do it. But then like I was reading some of my old tweets like

Back in the day like when I was 18 and 19 and I'd be like watch I'm gonna be famous And I'm like, why don't I write that I never felt like I thought like that But I do remember like trying to get soldier boy's attention like all the time and like walk a flock is attention Walk up flock of please pay attention to me. I love you soldier boy And did they write like sending him my video links just like spamming them. Did they ever see it? Um, Yeah, yeah, yeah soldier boy did And walk a flock of give you props or no. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. It's amazing So you're a teeny I mean I'm just I look the fact that you even

Figured this shit out so young is what is alarming. So you're 18 years old. Let's say, what are you doing? Are you in high school? Are you thinking about college? Because there was were you an art student? There was an someone was like this girl's an art student. That's why she can do all these cool graphics and yeah Um, I've dropped out a high school sophomore year And then I went to job corps. Do you guys know what job? It's like a government run program where you live there and you get you live there. Yeah, it's At 15. It's the worst. Yeah. I was 16. I think I was 16 or 17 when I went. It's just terrible Is it like like bunks like is it?

Four people in a in a room and eight people share a bathroom. Oh my god. How old are the other people from I think maybe 15 to 26 It's really that doesn't sound and it's co-ed. No, it's it's the dorms aren't co-ed, but the program is okay Um, a lot of people get like sent there for corps or you go I went because like I didn't have anywhere to live anymore And I was like staying with friends all the time and I just kind of got burnt out on it I was like, I need to go to job corps Um, which was really a good idea. Yeah

Even though it sucked and that place is like so ghetto. It's like insane And what did you learn there? I did facility maintenance Which is it's like a power washing cement fixing windows because okay, so when you go there you Every trade is like a gang So like the two biggest trades are facility maintenance and cement macing and they like beef with each other They'll have like full on like jail rumbles

What? Yeah, they'll like meet up and they'll like And they'll like bang on each other. They'll be like cm boys cement mason boys It's real. It's like it's a jail mentality and then like you're like facility for like Yeah Yeah, because I had a friend and did you throw down you put on for your for your team? Well, I I did it for protection Oh, right. Literally because my my friend's boyfriend was one of the only people who sold weed on the island because it's on treasure island Oh god Yeah, I was wondering what was on treasure island treasure island is like

Job corps and then there's like a re some re how do it is like alcatraz Yeah, it sounds like how long were you in job for how long would you stay there? I think I was there for like six or seven months. Oh my god And this is like the training to do this and then do you get your g ed? So I got my g oh good for you when you leave there though Are you go immediately into a job like um, well, I didn't finish my job training But they give you like I think it was 800 or a thousand dollars if you complete your g ed So

I got that money and I got my first apartment good for you I was only 17 when I got my first apartment. I had to have Like my grandma come and do you ever think about Jesus going back to cement wash power washing I see I've seen some power washing videos, you know, like it's like so satisfying. Yeah What if you so satisfying when we just you just open? Oh my god, I should stay just open a side hustle power washing business Throw your face on the banner Oh set up a website for it and then just have somebody run it and be like fully educated. Yeah And that could be just a mailbox money. I would have yeah, like creation's power washing business

I would take it in a second. You don't have to do it. You could just have employees And then they play the song that you hate the most it shows up the van shows up one big room Just like on two big like it's the speakers like ice cream trucks And you're like, what's up with all these checks people keep hand me. Oh, it's your power washing business Right. Yeah, so what happened that you had to leave home so early was your stepped out of creep. Was he a douchebag? Um, so yeah, my mom broke up with the the guy that you like Yes Okay, all right, mom life mom life. She's gonna walk by you

What's wrong with y'all baby, uh, he had like a virus Um, so he had a no, he had like a like a cold virus, you know, so how old is he? He's 18 months He's okay. I mean he had croup cough. He's had croup cough before this is like it's like every week He's like he's fine and then like on friday You're like, are you and then you're oh, he's sick again and then it's over and then he's sick But like our our oldest was the same way. Yeah, you just feel like are you ever not sick? Yeah, so it's my son's finally getting over that. I haven't seen him that sick in a while Even though he did get the stomach flu. Yeah, like a month ago. That's brutal. Yeah. Yeah. Was it uh up down or both?

Both. Yeah same time same time in the pants Nice, but my mom was watching him at the time. So that's kind of her problem dodged a bullet there Yeah, our guy's done a lot of I feel like our oldest is four and he does he's kind of in that too where he um, it feels like you're like Oh, are you're going stretches without being sick now? Yeah, he's got to get this other guy there gotta get that immunity yet. Yeah, they're just new Do you guys get sick when they get sick? Uh, sometimes yes, I'm more surprised. I get sick, you know doing the road a lot traveling all the time and I'll get

Colds and sinus infections a few times a year. Yeah, it's pretty gross and it feels horrible and I want to die when it happens But I'm always amazed how well, I guess because our immune systems are more developed How these guys will come home sometimes and They'll they'll both be sick the little guys And we just fight it off. Yeah. Yeah, but you know, it's hit or miss man. It's rolling the fucking dice Yeah, damn kids. There's these damn kids, man. Um, so I want to go. Oh, yeah So I'm gonna jump ahead so because I don't want to I know she's she's walking. I hit my jewel in here

Uh, yeah, sure. Sure. Yeah, definitely. He looked okay. I looked at him because he he's you know, he runs the joint Yeah, he would tell us You're good to go. Good to go. I'm not co-signing at all. No, of course not and I'm trying to get her to get some like tattoos or yeah, yeah Tell her to get your name on her ass for valentine's day on her asshole or just a cheek I was saying cheek, but oh you could get creative with it. Yeah, because I've seen like gotta stretch it out Yeah, I've seen the ones where like a slinky where um, like it's a mouth around it

So like it kind of it fits perfectly. I could do they could do my beard and and you know And all that's on the the cheeks Oh my god, that's terrible and you see the mouth Like it's kind of it's kind of cool. Got some teeth in there. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen asshole tattoos and they just Oh They make you kind of you love it. No Oh, no, I meant. Oh, yeah, I'm turned on. No, I meant I go like, oh man, how do you do it? Like just The needle on the

Seems tender. Yeah, mine's hurt How many you wait? What's the most painful one, um If you had to break it down by oh shit, uh, I got my ribs done I've heard that before and it's like this big and it was like a fucking six seven hours I was I was yeah hitting what hurts more on the bone like the rib itself the bones hurt Yeah, the bones anything bony hurts. I've heard that for like ankles before You know that that would hurt the rule to me is like if you pinch it and it hurts like then it hurts

Yeah, I guess. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah I got offered. Uh, I've never had a tattoo. I got offered one She's just lady right here. If you look to your left, she's getting her asshole tattooed I don't know if you can see that. Oh, I need a better view. There's that's how do I know she's getting her asshole tattooed Oh, I don't know. I mean this dog's breath stinky. Oh, yeah, that's Smells like an asshole Fits come here. Oh Was that the right clip

Is that the only clip you can find man? That's it. That's all we've got a butthole tattoos. Yeah Did you know she was gonna say that? I think he did. I did. Yeah Well, you know what I've been doing, um It's like totally off topic, but yeah that word just reminded me of it. I've been doing, um, you know the oculus quest Yeah, do you ever you use that? I know what it is. I just got one and there's this thing called vr chat Yeah And you like go in and you're like a virtual like avatar and you like talk to other real people That's weird and does why does that word remind you because people are saying it?

No, there's only it's always just like one person So it'll be like a group of like 12 of us. We're all like having having fun You know singing karaoke or something and then some guy says that he'll be like over there. You just hear him I walk over there. I'm like, what why'd you say that? Like, why'd you say that? I could say whatever I want and I'll just lie and be like I'm streaming this online Everyone could see your username and they're all gonna know like your piece of shit And they got all like scared and like log off and then they're like, oh because you can't actually see In no and so does no one actually knows they're they're hanging out with you on there

No, no, that's kind of fun. Like you're anonymous while you're doing it. Yeah, yeah, but it's it's it's it's it's a really weird world To be in vr. Yeah, um, and I imagine that like it for people. It's a thrill to To be I don't know try to be provocative and say something like it's almost like trolling leaving a comment, right? Oh, yeah, but like most of the people on there like no shade or like losers Like the other day it's like It was like five guys and one of the guys is like, well, I wish again We'll talk to me like oh, I have no guilt friends I just want to talk to gill and like one of the guys is like, oh man

Like I had I had a girlfriend, you know And then the other guy's like I had two girlfriends and everyone's like, whoa, how'd you do that? What how'd you get two girlfriends? What did I miss well, you missed a lot, but can you give us an update on our son first? So I'm convinced that our son has meningitis because he has Brash on his face and on his palms. I don't know. She's talking to Claudia because Claudia's with him right now, but she says it's definitely not meningitis because I've already googled I'm already down the rabbit. You like how she starts with just I'm convinced this meningitis

Yeah, I'm not the meningitis vaccine. It doesn't matter bacterial is still Wait, but what did Saratiana got fucking she's calling Claudia now and she said it's not meningitis She needs to talk to her first and then she'll give me a did you give him benadryl? No, it's not it's not But I'm just glad she but next time lead with the doctor says it's not what the doctor says It's not what I think it is. It's not we're not going to the hospital right now. There you go Um, do you get worst case scenario when your son is sick? Um, no, I'm like almost the opposite. Wow My mom is a hypochondriac. So that's why you're over it. Yeah. Okay. What did I miss go ahead?

we were talking about cool guys and We were talking about she does a VR VR chat. I really like the oculus. I've seen you do that online. Yes Some guys drop big words on there and then what she calls them out big words are what we call Ben we call it the game gamer word a gamer word Yeah, because like people always say it on like call of duty and stuff This dude's talking shit. This is this is not exactly the same thing But this is like a video of a dude talking shit and he got beat in madden. No, no, no, it's fine

This guy got beat in madden and then sent this video to who beat him. How do you do that? I don't know. Listen you old bitch ass nigger curse. Listen when I come to new york I'm gonna fuck you up nigger See bitch ass niggers like you do all that pillow talking over the phone nigger And when I pull up on your ass nigger, what you gonna do call the police bitch ass nigger I got a nigger in new york right now. Yeah, but see the nigger. I am nowadays. I don't see my niggers on crash courses I'm gonna pull up on your bitch ass nigger on my kids nigger Wait, what were they playing madden? Okay madden. Yeah

Do you get that? Watch nigger. Don't say nothing else to me nigger. Just keep that same energy when I bring my ass to new york nigger Oh, my mom. He won or he lost. Oh, he lost. Okay. That's why I hate it pretty much Yeah, that's definitely the losing guy's video. He's slobbering. He's so he's very upset. He's very upset. I mean Okay, yeah, I'm just saying when he comes to new york, it's gonna be something. Yeah May I continue my interview with christian? I'm sorry. I have so many questions for you Thought we were having a good time without you, but go ahead. You leave you leave it as a teenager. Why do you leave? We're going back to the the timeline here

um Your stepdad we were really having a good thing going. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. No, um What what happened? Good? I just have limited time with her and I have so many questions. Go ahead. Go ahead. Okay. Your stepdad. They broke up Yeah, they broke up and I Started like drinking and doing drugs, you know to what kind of drugs did you do? Yeah? Um smoking pot popping ecstasy like every day every day every day

Geez So you were really you were really down in the dumps. Yeah, I was doing great. Um And is that when you started making your your most amazing music when you were fucked up like that? No, um At 15 I think I was just like skating and like being a little shithead. I don't even think like Where were you? Where were you staying like you had to put me and my mom and my grandpa? I'll live together in the house that we moved to oakland in okay And is this is after job corps? No, this is before this is before she goes job. Okay. Um, so like I wasn't going to school So I got kicked out for being truant

And then I got into a new school and I got kicked out for like threatening some girls Um, but I would just never go to class. Like yeah, I didn't like high school very much I would go to school. I just would go into the class. You just want to socialize. Yeah, I was just like running around You know goofing off. Um, everyone thought I was like a crackhead though. Like nobody thought I was cool Got you. So you were just you're fucking off and then so job corps was this actually pretty good solution for you You learned how to power wash is this where you meet v nasty now? I've heard a rumor that she was your step sister or you referred her as your step sister No, we're not related. See I I heard that

I well, I called all everyone my sister Oh, but I had read somewhere online that that was your step sister and you were saying free v nasty Did she get put in jail at the time? She was in jail. Yeah, what did she I met her a little bit before job corps? um And yeah, she went to jail. What did she do for like six seven months? Oh, it's a nice little stint. Do you why? Um, no, she robbed someone and beat him up Damn That's tight. I think she did that twice. Wow. And is that why you guys don't talk anymore? No, we still talk

Oh, I thought you guys broke up. You're a bad person. You robbed somebody. No way. I was like, that's cool That is cool. That's very cool. But I wish I wish my friends would do that Yeah, sorry I was under the impression that you and v nasty were had parted ways, but you you guys still chill. You're cool. Yeah White girl mob. Sure. Now. Who else was in the white girl mob? It was me Be nasty and little debbie and little debbie. Yeah, what's up with little debbie? Um, she's still she's still making music I mean, she's put out like an album every Year or more than a year. Yes. I lost interest in little debbie. I followed her in the beginning and then I was like

I'm team crush on all the way. Well, we're like, we're like, you know, like we all had different like I think like person like like everyone was different, you know So like some some people identify with her and not me or some people identify with v nasty and You know, whatever Well, make no mistake about it. Who we identify with here. V nasty was not my lane. Okay I was like the biggest v nasty fan. That's that's you know, how it all like culminated was like me Recording v nasty's like mixtape and I'd she like come over and I'm like you have to get in the closet and wrap You know, like and I'd force her to make music and I started filming her

And then like one of her videos of her freestyling like got on world star hip hop Which was like the number one website at the time and she was in jail and like I was wrote her in jail Like you won't believe it. Like this is so cool. This is the beginning of the end You know, but that's cool. Yeah So you're inspired to you make your music bump and bump in all this stuff and You just put it up. Is that what this is like you're making shit and you're like, I don't care I'm just gonna put it up. Yeah, and you get this crazy level Success, right? Like I heard in two weeks

Just millions and millions of people are sharing your music But how does it go from So this song obviously pops off people are flipping out Is that that's prior to getting a deal like so you put it out and then you sign a sony deal Or I'm just trying to get the the timeline Oh, I put it out and then yeah, I think like all the labels like oh my god Oh my god, and then you sign a deal right away I I like met with a whole bunch of like different labels

And then we just picked one and then did you sign a terrible deal? Uh, I think so. Yeah, I'm not sure. How does it how does it like no because like the music business Is one of those things where people who aren't in music all you ever hear are stories About like how predatory and awful and just well, I mean Before when I came out spot spotify didn't exist yet. Right. So like streams and like plays Weren't like a thing. So like now you have artists. They're like so and so got streamed two billion times Whoo, they're platinum You know, but like when I got signed

That wasn't a thing you didn't get any credit for your youtube plays or any of the soundcloud streams But now that's what counts is your streams count towards your billboard or record Platinum's colors. That's how they actually measure it. Yeah, but but when I came out it was still like physical albums You know or like if you buy it on itunes, right?

And itunes is like has become in the just in the last few years so insignificant that they're they're ending itunes Yeah, so it's just it's just like I came I came out during this like transitional period between like There was this time where everyone's like, oh, let's like make this work But they just like didn't know how because like streaming wasn't like How you made money You know, yeah So I was like an experiment. Uh once they realized that they were like Oh

What the fuck, you know, they were like, oh like uh wear high heels like record this pop song about my cookie and like, you know like I was just like no like I don't want to do it and they're like fine We're only gonna put your album in hot topic That's how it got. Yeah, because I remember reading that that would they really direct you like that like do this Yeah, literally like we need a song. No, I know but like this is what you should be doing And this is like an executive telling that like this is a suit being like it would be like, yeah Somebody who I thought was in there like we booked you some dance classes. I'd be like Ah, I'm good. Yeah. Yeah, because your whole appeal was that you were so like

You and raw. Yeah, like you were this girl who just you were doing your thing. Yeah, and that's terrible You see like go hard was kind of like yeah, I like that song actually My son loves that song. I like it too. I like the video. It looks like you guys are having fun Was that like a record company song? Um It was me trying to like please Yeah, trying to do it. Yeah trying to squeeze it out. Don't let them break you down man. You're so talented Motherfuckers. Let me just real quick. Just go to this thing. I wanted to show you It's gonna be on this screen right here in front of you. Um, just a potential suitor

You know, you're you're a beautiful woman. You have a lot of options out there Just want to get like your response to like a potential Maybe guy you go out with. Okay. Okay. Women Let's cut to the chase here Women should clean up not only should women clean up women should clean up unprompted and I'm gonna tell you why You in No, oh, okay. Sorry. I just wanted to Maybe it okay. Just maybe let him explain for a second. Okay. It's very very simple

We live in a world where things need to be fair 50 50 gender equality. Blah blah I pay for things unprompted. You don't have to ask me to pay for shit if we go for dinner I'll get my wall out pay at the end. Don't even check the price of the bill. My card always works Okay. Yeah, so he's rich I think He's kind of a dick though. A little bit Really? He's a little bit. Um

Do you feel like he has a chance can he ask you out? No, he's got small dick energy for small dick energy Wow, all we ever hear about is bde And now there's sde hasn't even been covered yet. Would you ever? Uh Engage in polyamory Um, I have a lot of friends that do really. Yeah, and it sounds so Complicated, it's it's like more. There's more rules to polyamory than there is in a relationship that is just two people Right, so you have to have like this person's rules that person's rules

It's too many rules. It's a lot of rules too many fucking rules. I just like the rule that's like, hey, we're not gonna like Cheat on each other. Okay. That's an easy one. Yeah, it's just easy. It's easier that way She doesn't like that rule at all. She's poly and bi What about this guy is potential suitor for you Good morning, julia It's me joe morning creation. Just wanted to say hi wish you a great day Tell you that meeting you yesterday

And getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments in my life It was so beautiful. It's you don't know how beautiful. No, you are to me No, he's just you're gorgeous. You're precious. It's a it's a rumor that was started that this was an uber driver who had a passenger the truth is This the like you may have seen this under that context. That's not true. What happened was this guy Oh poor guy He met her at the gym and he got and he got her number at the gym He just ran into her in the parking lot. He just like pressured her into yeah into giving the number and then he just sent her

This video message seems like a nice italian guy. Yeah, you're right. Yeah Would you like to give would you like me to put you in touch? Uh, no, okay? I'm taking you're taking. Oh, damn Okay, but okay, so just maybe just I mean just have it in the rolodex, you know Will you get married one day? I'm surprised no one has asked me to marry him. It's just kind of depressing. Yeah, how long have you been dating this guy? Um Two years almost. Okay. Yeah, I got another guy for you. Is he a dj? Yeah. Yes for real? Yeah That's good. Do you like it? Do you talk dj stuff with him? Yeah, we go to each other's like shows and like you do. Yeah

That's a dorm. What's the perfect penis size? Um, you know Let me see Um, I'm more of a you can attest to this sure Length or width I'm I like I like girth. Yeah, I'm a that's every every girl. No one's like the stabby stab and your cervix Yeah, now I actually prefer not a coke can but a red bull can what you got right there. Yeah Okay, is that how you feel? Yeah, sure. I think what about your nuts? You like I'm high and tight or low

I hate and I don't engage. You don't engage balls at all. No, not really. Let me tell you something Wow, if you're gonna be with Shane for a while, you got to start playing. I tried I tried He was just like who don't tickles I'll show you a couple things before we leave and take it home Well, I'll tell you I don't do you eat ass do you eat man's ass? No I don't either and see most of the sane girls don't either um But I do play with the the beans if I may say that

Is that too much to give? Does your man Does your is that a clip of your sex tape? It was We record all of our love when those balls get tugged just right Feels good Does your man shave down there? Does he groom? um He he he he trends he needs to use the man's scape 3.0

Oh, I'm gonna have valentine's day. Oh, that's an idea. Oh, man's scape. There you go. It's a it's the best ball You got so segue into a commercial Now you can get 30 off when you use the code you got it But uh, yes, and I will hook you up with a man's scape for your man. Definitely. He would love that. I mean it really Oh, very hairy. You can do the tank. I might need one too. You can do it for It it helps it's really great and then everything down there will be Spick and span clean as a whistle. Oh, man. Yep Sorry, go ahead. Oh go ahead. Are you a juggalette?

Um, I want to the gathering of the juggalos. I've seen that on your gram I've seen I've seen some very confusing posts because I don't understand at one point. It looked like you were getting paid to model I was filming models Oh Okay, sorry. It's my child. Well, I mean I know but we're hearing he's like mommy. I'm sick kills me. Okay, uh, so Oh, yeah, let's see. We have some stuff to show her because you have a bunch of cool tech We were talking about that while you were gone. Yeah, she has great tattoos. I think you should get some tattoos I would I've I've seen Christian's tattoos. This one your throw one was fairly we're like a year ago

Like recent three. Yeah. Okay. It feels that way on instagram and then um, I keep up I keep up on all this stuff. You've got a lot more tattoos I'm in baby land shut up Um, but would you get are you gonna get more baby vortex? Yeah time? How many more are you gonna get? Um, I'm actually planning to get one on my back. Okay. Um, we were talking about butthole tattoos. Yeah. Oh, okay You're gonna get a butthole tattoo. No, he said you should get one. I was saying you should get my face She was saying on your butt cheek and I was saying, what if we did it around the hole and in my mouth

That's a clear beard and then the hair. Yeah, but they draw it on my taint. Yeah That'd be kind of cool. That'd be really fucking cool. This guy has a really cool tattoo if you went to the gathering of the juggalos You know, I do He's all like I regret my tattoo. Yeah. Yeah mistakes. Oh man. I feel bad for that guy. I thought I was mr. Cool But having this on my face has been an instruction to my life. He does Mentally emotionally, you know, laser away should reach out to this. You know what he's already going. Oh great Is there an update? He better keep the hatchet one though, because that's an icp symbol, right?

God, you know how bad those lasers hurt? No Have you had one removed? No, wait. No Oh Jesus Oh man brutal like how he wences at every single one. He's just like Damn Yeah, fucking pussy right time. Oh, no, take that pain I think he's all right. Oh the eyebrow has got to be real tender face me. I didn't realize That's like one treatment. It's like that's gone. That one's gone. No, you have to do like 12 of those

But like isn't that like no because that's gonna scab And then will it still be dark when it? Yeah I don't it won't be a hundred percent. No like you'll still see remnants of that tattoo Like, you know gets all like 12 treatments and like puts like some foundation on like it'll be good. It'll be good. Yeah Do you see a lot of that at the icp concerts? like facial tattoos, um I see a lot of a lot of people have face tattoos now. That's true. It's it's more common. Yeah What's the craziest thing you've seen at a icp concert?

Uh, you went to the gathering more to the gathering recently. Yeah. It's like a couple months ago. How was it? Was it wild? Yeah, uh, I was filming the whole time. So it's cool because I kind of had this like layer Of between like me and people Yeah, yeah, that's good and people like act out on the camera, but they wouldn't be like to me. Um The craziest thing Uh, this there's this thing called the getting baptized and it's basically when like a juggalo pours like a whole entire leader of fago on you And we were riding around in a golf cart

And some guy just like pours a leader of fago on one of the girls we were with And I was sitting right next to her and I got up and I was like I don't know what just happened and I tell like The boss girl of the crew, you know, she's like the mean girl and I'm like This guy just poured fago all over fagan and I don't know what's going on and he's like where she's like where he at You know, she goes up to him. She's like, what the fuck is your problem? Why the fuck would you do that? And he's like, I don't know. We're at this. We're at the juggalo garden. It's just what we do We're just we're just juggalos and she's like

Uh, yeah, you're right. And he's like, uh, I'm sorry I'm really sorry and I ended up becoming friends and like hanging out all night, but but that but that's called getting baptized I would love to baptize you. I would love to have that sticky Shit all over you It's kind of messed up because I'm imagining that there's no showers at the gathering Like you've got you just got sticky therapy shit on you. That's fucked up and your makeup's all jacked Baptized here is a different thing You guys are horny

You guys like hook up a lot at home or today Wow God bless We have two babies all sick. Yeah, he's like mom and you're like I'm getting the D. Dad's gotta get his nut We do we try two small ones. It's tough, but we try we try I got basically what I do is I I take Like a synthetic

Dildo and I tape it to mine So together Okay, it's like one normal size penis. Nice stack them up stack them up double a double tape Oh, no, but she likes girth. So you have to put them side by side. That's right That's duct tape it put that duct tape right in it feels good, right? It's smooth. It's an extra. Look the blood is an extra lubricant Do you do anal? Are you name? Yeah, you hesitated. That's a yes. That's great. Let us know all about it. Do you think do you believe in uh

Anima's first or just in the moment whatever I haven't done done it in years. Oh, oh Oh, I want to try it again, but it has to be you gotta work up to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah Can't just like be like I'm gonna That means it was at least an enjoyable experience because you're not like that's the worst thing that ever happened Uh, yeah, I guess. Yeah, it was doable at the time, but I was drunk back then now I'm sober. So oh, right. Oh Oh, how long have you been sober for? Almost two years. Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. That's great. That's awesome. My name's Natasha. I'm an alcoholic

You go to your meetings and you okay. And do you are is that when you started therapy? Uh, I started therapy a little bit before that like a year before. Um My therapist like never like told me to get sober, but I think I just did it to like Impress her. Yeah, because I'd be like, yeah, I went out and I just like did helicog and like I fucked up I'm still fucked up. I'll have like a I'd carry like a plastic bag with me and therapy in case I'd had to like throw up Like during coaching. What? Wow. And she'd be like, um, sounds fun She's like, how much coke did you do? Hmm. It's like a good time So you really straighten your shit up because it did look like you were partying when you were

Touring and doing all that. Yeah, did you uh buy dumb things when you had a lot of money? Yeah, I bought dumb things as in like I would buy like an old game boy You know, like I never like set a bad purchase. It was because I could have like bought a car and like paid it off You know, like I was like buying old Buick's and like, you know, I mean, I'm sure it would be like, why are you buying like in and like 1986 Buick You can buy a brand new car and I'd be like because I want to And then what and then like I like have to sell my Buick and I only get like a thousand bucks for it when I if I had a

Brand new car, I could Whatever, you know, yeah Stupid that was all that coke though thinking that was the coke talking. This is different now. Yeah, true. Yeah We find now Wow Oh When you find out you're pregnant, were you like Oh my god

Like what was it like? Yeah, I imagine you're at the it's like the frenzied time of your touring, right? Like wasn't it kind of around the time I just got off tour when I found out um I I I didn't think that like it Honestly, like as stupid as it sounds like I thought When you're pregnant, you're just pregnant. Like you don't have a baby after What like 100% like my brain like blocked blocked that thought out that there's a baby at the end Yeah, really and then like the baby my baby daddy

My son's dad would be like, oh, we're gonna have like a little boy running around and I'd be like shut up Don't say that don't say that and he'd be like what I'd like just don't don't say that because I was already like fuck I Forgot you were kind of blind. I mentioned you kind of wanted to block it out. Yeah, this is not happening pregnant I'm gonna chill. I don't have a tour and no one can ask me for shit Everyone has to take care of me. Yeah, you know, it's a perfect setup. Yeah. Yeah, and then I was like, oh my god I have the biggest responsibility of my life now Yeah And when did that when did that hit you?

When I was like, uh What the fuck where'd you come from? I got a c-section. I was like, I was so I was like, I'm not giving birth Oh, okay. I've elected for a see yeah, I did too and then my baby came anyways Really you pushed it out. Well, I I elected for a c-section and then the morning of my scheduled c-section I went into natural labor and my water broke and I was like, bitch I did not want to push this out bro. My doctor was like this motherfucker's coming down the canal Um, he plays you. He played me big. Yeah. So so you you had a c-section and I imagine you're just

Like bruised up. You're this young girl. What's the relationship? Sexy Yeah, I did Engorged Or are you just like what is this because one minute you're touring and You know smoking blunts and making cool videos the next minute you're a mother, which is the craziest transition. Yeah um I mean in the yeah

You know how it is in the bandage chill. You're just binge watching shows with your tit out Yeah, you know, you're just covered in vomit and shit milk crust, you know, everything's fine Then you get to the point where you're like, okay Gotta get out. I'm like I'm bored, you know, but I have to breastfeed every goddamn 40 seconds, you know Or your tits explode. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you'll have another kid? That's a million dollar question

It really depends on whether or not you meet the right guy. Okay. I've been on here. I've been polite. I've been kind. I've been honest and sincere Well, I like to have Right on my lips some koochie. I like to have Some titties around my face. I would like to have some sex Yeah, that's me. I'd like to have a woman in my home. There you go I can make love to there you go. I'm not like one of these young men or these little boys They get themselves off and then oops. They don't care about their partner. So right away, you know, you have a thoughtful lover

Okay, okay Oh, I'll make you come I Last lady 10 15 times Before I even went boom once He went boom Damn If we if we could get your thoughts on this potential suitor, um, he

Probably be paying for sex, right? He should be at this point. Kind of looks like I mean He's a kind man He should just pay pay for sex. Yeah, I think so too. He's trying to get free sex, man That's true. Yeah, he's out here begging for free sex Womp womp, sorry, jerry. I tried to hook you up with crash of of all the people he calls in Wait now crash off, please I'm not gonna go boom before you go boom You're gonna boom 10 15 times

You want to go boom 15 times throw out from boom I'm just seizing out Of all the suitors you've seen today, which one would you go for? I guess this the second one. He's seen like which one was the second one the nice italian man. Oh, wow Beautiful woman. Um, it's interesting. He's a stalker He's a psychotic stalker Maybe let's up on my instagram ads. I'm gonna roll today because women are fucking stupid I hate this guy

Okay, I don't understand why it's so difficult for good guys to meet a fucking sane woman I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot. There you go. Sounds like my boyfriend. Oh, okay Perfect, I think when we were like talking and I was like, you know, what made you like me and he's like cuz like most women Like they saw it to kick it with but I got I like talking to you Other other girls like you can't talk to them. They're fucking stupid. Yeah, I gotta say I totally agree I agree too. I agree with this guy. I agree with Carl and I agree with Shane. Yeah That's true. You are very cool and chill I try

Do you think it's your time at the job corps? No, I feel like that must have formed you as a person. That sounds like a crazy experience No, my life was absolutely insane for for a while after job corps. Yeah I was like got my own apartment. Everyone come over and you just was like a party den Dude this one night. I was having like the party done like blacked out drunk. I don't even know who's in my house I just remember I look over and I see like a completely homeless man In my house who must like followed the crowd of people like coming into the place And I'm just like, you know when you're black you can like barely you like focus for one second

You're like, whoa, what? There's a back to spinning around, you know, yeah So I had a party house for sure. Wow. What's the wildest shit from your wild days? Do you have like one memory that stands out of like, I mean, is it that you know, I mean like I was pretty man. That's pretty low on that. That was pretty low. Oh, so what's like pretty high on it? I don't know man. My life's a movie dog, you know Every day is a movie man Man, that sounds like brace from jiggaloo. I can't I can't remember and my memory is terrible. Really?

Yeah, my son will be like, what did I used to say? What what did I call cookie when I was a baby? I'm like, bro I don't know You are my favorite, I love you brain damaged I've burnt those little little connectors out Sucker soups one Brain damage you said brain damage You're like googling like as quick as you can We have all these drops. That's larry king. My husband was um interviewed by larry king and that's him saying mark wallberg

You want to hear it again? Chocolate. It's kind of that's kind of funny. It's crazy. Here he is saying Mark wallberg Mark wallberg I'm sorry. It just makes me laugh. That's cool. Yeah soccer souffle Socrates soccer souffle You're gonna go straight to hell for playing me. Why he's gonna hear it. He's a christian fan

Really? They have y'all gullible. Yeah, we are I believe you That is You're so spicy on twitter Am I? Yeah, I feel you're very very I hold back man. Yeah, really? Yeah, I can't say everything I want to say The other day I wanted to say something about coronavirus, but I like I messed it up But I was gonna write like 61,000 people die from the flu every year, but I just wrote 61,000 people die every year And I was like, should I leave this? I don't know

Just fuck it. I was just like vague with what? They're like, that's not right. Everyone starts attacking me Do you have any tattoos that you regret? Oh, yeah, I do. Yeah, which one? Uh, I have a lot I have a lot of tattoos. I have this whole arm that I'm like gonna get like Blast it over. That's what they call blast over. Yeah, you just like put a giant dark Two on top of all your crappy old ones. I've seen like Kat Von D did it. Yeah, it's all blacked out Well, I'm not gonna do like that like black block, but I'm gonna do like just something

It's different. And what's the dumbest one that comes to mind? Um, there's one on the back of my neck that says one love And I got when I was like 16 And I can never see it because it's on the back of my neck and like The like a year ago this guy is like walking behind me. He's like one love And I don't even turn around. He's like one love and I turn I'm like what and he's like one love and I'm like I'm like in a bad man. I'm like, what what are you talking about? He's like one love And I'm like, what?

What are you talking about? He's like on the back of your neck. You have a tattoo that says one love and I'm like Oh I forgot. Okay Thanks. Oh no Yeah douchebag. Yeah one love. Yeah, fuck off. We're all like about to fight each other. Yeah, don't bitch you have a tattoo on your neck stupid ass I'm like, yeah, well

true true Women are stupid. Oh my god Great Let me see if I'm all right. No pussy magnet Did you write pussy magnet? It was me and me and roach gigs Oh, that was a crazy video. Well, I was pregnant as hell in that video. Were you? I was I feel like you guys hit it very well

Yeah, we we hit it for some reason. Yeah, it's like that was back in the day now. Oh right now now. It's all like super empowering Yeah, bro. You let it hang out Sony dropped me like five days after I announced I was pregnant. What? They didn't even try to conceal that They were just like you're done. But nowadays it's like Pregnancy is like marketing. Oh a hundred percent back Even when I when I started stand-up comedy a million years ago

You couldn't talk about really motherhood or pregnancy or god forbid perform pregnant. That was gross now. It's It's all the rage. Yeah, you had to do your special preggers, man Yeah, well you got to your next album when your preggers You have that pregnancy brain. I know it's so hard to remember I'm fat So when are we gonna do our um, when are we gonna drop a single together? What's up? I'm I'm I'm back. I'm back on the music. I just did I just did a new e p Okay, what's it called true oakland black metal. Okay t o b m

Check that out on spotify apple music and Cop that shit That's my plug. I love your no, but I'm back on with her doing like me. I just stop forever I know you did but I want you back. I want you making shit. I'm down. I'm coming out. All right Will you write a fucking song with me? Yeah, I'm being serious. Let's do it. Okay. Let's make a tick tock song Let's get tick tock famous. We could totally get tick tock famous. Wait. Are you on the talk rest? I'm just I'm just

impacted by How on point that comment you made was I think going tick tock is the way to go Yeah, tick tock music. Yeah. Yes. Are you on there yet? Uh, I made a tick tock and then I think I kind of got overwhelmed Yeah, I was like, what what is this people just act out clips? So then I was doing that and then I was like, wait, this isn't what people are doing They're actually they're doing all kinds of stuff. They're doing a lot of different things right here Hey guys, so those of you that have been following me. I am now following you

Wait, why does she look familiar? One set or not following me that I am following them. I know I've been deleted Is what it is buddy So just you know christian I'm a tick tock curator I'm not so much a content producer, but I like to see other people's content. Yeah and aggregate so that people may enjoy Oh, yeah, she has like an instagram, but she just like her stories like yeah for 45 Ticktocks a day. Well, I would love even need this app. I just go and like watch people's stories Yes, I would love her information so I can follow her stories and she can follow mine and let's see if she and I have the same Sensibility. Yeah, it's it's like it's like it's like it's just like the the next level

of comedy like Yes, like you have to have a different type of brain to think this is like funny. Yeah, most people watch us and be like You know, you just dialed in wow to the lifeline of this podcast This is the my hero christian just put the finger she put her finger on the pulse of what it is You you like the Yoda of I get it. I knew you could figure this shit out and what is The ones with the gun control suffer besides america

the shootings and I Just need Is for you to give one more try In but you can't because you are also Stop burn Yeah, do you ever think like about your kids when you see these? Yeah, yes, I always think of my son and I'm like

Half of me is like, I hope That's my son. Look at his shirt. Yeah, I hope the other way Or I'm just like what if you know, yeah, yeah, yeah No, all the way it won't be it won't be your son. No I'm gonna say this here now and as simple as can be Yes, Oregon passed the law to where each bag you use is a nickel unless you bring your own No, it is not my fucking fault If you don't pay attention, that's on you. You do not get to turn me into your verbal punching bag

I don't give a shit if you're having the shit day You don't need to beat me up because of it. If you don't like it get the fuck out Do I have you seen the the one of the the illuminati chick? She's always like she's crazy. She scares me She's fully psychotic. I don't even I won't even curate her work Because I think she's on another planet. You don't know who we are creating. Are you talking about? Yeah, I don't Do you know who martin is? Ma and he's um He's autistic, but he always does like the medicine. I'm having my lunch. I'm having my lunch. I'm having my lunch. No

No, martin. Okay. I'll look him up. We'll have a recap But he's always like the ketosis of the body you had he's like a mexican dude and he's like really You know this guy. Yeah, how do you fools know this and I don't? Wait, which one was that babe that was I don't know there's other ones in here may I see You don't fucking have to come on my fucking things and be fucking rude Okay, and stuff like that when I do a fucking video You don't fucking like it. Just go by it. Don't fucking say shit. There you go. I I like I like her vibe. I think I was thinking of my grandpa so much. I wish really I wish pop-hop like had a

God rest his soul man. He had this kind of vibe to him. Yeah, he would like may he he has like some stuff He had a twitter and like he would just tweet like the craziest shit. He'd be like He he would he would love He wouldn't check anything he would just like post shit like this I'd be like the other day I tweeted one of his old tweets and it was like I made two sandwiches I'm gonna have one now and I'm gonna have the other one now Like I got like 400 retweets That's really funny

Yeah, we were just talking about old people using technology today and why they always have to do this Like they don't know how to use thumbs. They always have to push that in next year. Yes Great angle Under and close. Do you really like this? Are you just being this is a really good one? I like this one You like the confrontation. I like confrontation. I've noticed. Yeah grumpy. Yeah. Yeah, it makes me laugh Let's see. What else you got in here All I want for Christmas is having a girlfriend who wants me for who I am. Okay. All right. I don't need that one That's what I'm saying

Hey there tiktoks, so apparently I was told I needed to do this and show you all my magic cabinet as a practicing male witch So here's my magic cabinet and since it's in the kitchen. I guess that would technically classify me as a kitchen witch I got all the good stuff What do you think of the oregano? I have a bunch of vanilla candles. I am a male witch Would you date the male witch? No Dating when you're non-binary really sucks and here's why. Hi, I'm fern just so you know now my pronouns are they them and I'm non-binary Yeah, girl. I'm cool with that. Actually, uh, I'm non-binary. Please don't call me girl But titties they them tittie

Uh, okay All right, I was just referred to everybody as fool Was that fool? Yeah. Yeah Yeah, it's a safe way to go. That is a safe way to go. That's gender neutral Mm-hmm remind us please of the name of my pronouns your pronouns Are she her she that bitch that bitch and the new name of the new album the new ep Uh, it's I just made it like as difficult as possible because I just love

doing that Uh, it's t dot o dot b dot m Sorry guys, what is this damn true true alkaline black. Oh, that's right. That's right. So what happened was I had the songs I was like, I don't know what to name it. I didn't want to get any album art done I don't know why and then I was like, I'm gonna just use this old t-shirt design It's the album art and that's what it said on the t-shirt So I was like, I'll just name it true alkaline black metal and then I was like, I'm gonna just You know make it t o b m

perfect Then it works I should have just named it like, I don't know something that I can say and not have to like Spell out, you know, whatever. Well, it's creative. Yeah, wait. Do you have tech talks that you wanted to share as well? No No All right Do you have any we're not gonna run through all these right? Well, I just thought maybe you had something put it I don't know. No, that's good. Okay. Well, we're all talked out. I get talked out sometimes. She like she's like always like look

Yeah, look she's all 24 seven. You're like, mm-hmm. Yeah, you just summarize the whole relationship Yeah, I annoy the shit out of him. Who's more annoying in your relationship? You're your boyfriend. Yeah Yeah, what do you do to annoy him? Like everything everything your existence. Yeah, that's why I feel like it's harm and I plus I adore him more Like I'm like I'm very loving and sweet I'm just like, yeah, can I rub your shoulders? You know, yeah, he's like, I like my back rubbed. I'm like, I don't care Yeah Yeah, when I assemble we love we love love would love a few grumpy animals

Are you guys in are you guys? Oh, yeah, I am of course. Are you of course? No, I do. I love him more every year. You guys are married. Yeah 17 15 years. Well, I just wear the band. I don't wear like the big Shiboodle. Yeah I left the rock at home, but it's really big trust me. Yeah, it's really impressive He did great great job Well, she never wears it. I never like I have an allergy to the fucking I do I swear to god, we got married. I got the ring and I'm allergic to whatever was in it aluminum or some shit

And then I made him rebuy me a nice ring It's made him Anyways, I love rolled it up out of aluminum foil. Yeah, my second wife's gonna be this Damn, isn't that cold as ice cream? Yeah, such a bitch. Yep. It's gonna be like 22 pretty stupid pretty dumb Yep, don't give me a lot of thoughts not a lot of opinions Just like I'm I I'm a thank you for you She deaf too. She's like you want a bedroom? Yeah. Yeah Oh, thanks. Yeah, she's got a robot. I have to cyborg. Yeah, just get a get an Oculus

Just have a VR girlfriend. Oh, yeah, there you go. Cool. Would you want that? Sure, you don't have to talk I think you have to talk But that's the whole thing talk to him, right? I don't know. I gotta try it out. Try it out. All right, anyways We gotta like creation go. I love you You've been such an inspiration to me and I mean this at the time when I discovered you I was like, should I be a comedian should I go for it and seeing somebody as young as you and you were You still are so inspiring. Thank you. I just I think you're fantastic

And I'm so honored that you came on our show our silly stupid show and I can't wait for us to release our Smash it single together. Let's do it. Okay. I'll be back Well, well, we I'll be back when we finish the single and then yeah, we can like, you know We'll be like ripping books off. Oh, we should film it in this bro. Just trash it It costs a lot of money to do that Oh Production value, you know, it's already here. I'm thinking I'd like to watch

Thank you for coming. Yes. Thank you. No problem. See you guys have fun week. It was great, right? All right. Good. Thanks, dude He won it he won it he won it Oh Hey You