Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 543 - Bert Kreischer - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

The Mommies taped Jesus Trejo’s show “Tacos Con Todos” and now they have Cacas Con Todos. What do you do after diarrhea? FedSmoker (RIP) makes an appearance. What kind of name is Braden? Plus, while we celebrate our NRE, we discuss what porn scenarios we would consider. The scenario presented by Josh Potter may become a reality as he is an experienced sex worker with celebrity clientele. While in Vegas, Tom and Josh ran into Corey Taylor from Slipknot, who has partaken in Josh’s Cameo Sex Work. As if that wasn’t enough, a new episode of everyones favorite show has just dropped. Bert Kreischer is a comedian and podcaster who’s Netflix Special “Hey Big Boy” is available now. While out on the Berty Boy world tour, Bert has taken some liberties. Bert has also been getting into OnlyFans in the road, so the Mommies try to convince him to subscribe to a certain account. Plus, Bert is mad at LeeAnn and gets her on the phone to discuss things. And, a new challenge/bet is decided upon. SPONSORS: - Get 20% Off + Free Shipping, with the code MOM20 at Manscaped.com - Go to GetQuip.com/MOM right now and you’ll get your first refill FREE. - Go to BlueChew.com and use promo code HOUSE to try it FREE. - Go To CBDMD.com and use promo code "YOURMOM" for 25% of your purchase of superior CBD oil products

What's up there, Chamos? It's another episode of your mom's house podcast. I'm here with the always lovely and a little behind this morning. Sorry, I'm a little slow. No headphones in. No headphones in. I had diarrhea this morning. So I'm a little lost. My electrolytes are depleted. We did, um, Jesus Trejo's first week of the show, Tacos Contodo, last night.

And then this morning. And then we made Kakas Contodo. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Because we had like 20 different Tacos from two different vendors yesterday. All kinds of stuff, man. And I didn't even mention I made the mistake of eating Zanku chicken for lunch before. Oh my God. It was a buttastrophe this morning.

It really was. We were double pooping. And then- We were downstairs. I was upstairs at the same time. He was having us try, what, molotes? Ay, vey. Um, uh, quesadillas, taco, and it was all like, because it was for the show, they were like, you got to try this other thing.

We never really don't make this, but we scooped up some grease from the back and made this special for you. Yeah, it was like, it went all out. It was awesome food, but the brown was real. I mean, I haven't had turds that hot, I think in a long time. And thank God we have those toto washlets because I just hosed it down and it really helped. The, uh, you have like gut pain when you, you know what I mean? I had, like in my lower guts, I was like, ah, fuck, I actually hurt.

Well, and it's funny because I don't know if this is a medical thing, but after I have diarrhea, I feel like I need to carb load immediately. And we've been eating pop tarts. Because you want to sop it up. Is that what it is? I think it is. I think your, your, your mind goes, well, put something that's going to soak up this. You know what I mean?

You don't want to put greasy stuff in your stomach if you want the opposite. So you want breads and starchy things. And just to feel whole again, because I feel very disconnected and like I, I birthed. It was hot. How was your wipe up? I just ran the cycle on that washlet over and over. Just, just nice warm stream. It's cleaning me out.

Thank God. Could you imagine if we didn't have the washlets this morning? Like a fucking peasant? No. Course not. I started going in our toilet that didn't have. Yeah. And then I was like, I can't finish this dump unless I have the washlet hose.

Hey, sister texted me. Yeah. What'd he say? He said, laugh my ass off, bro. Baby wipes cools things off. Yeah. Cause I DM'd him this morning like, Hey, bra. How's your Kulo?

Cause we got massive brown town at this house. The Segura home is dude. It was so hot. Why did the, why is it so hot coming out? I don't know. Why is the temperature hot? I'm good. I'm good with not finding out why.

I need to know. I have to ask Dr. Drew. And is it very acidic? Cause it, why the ring sting? Is that the spices from the, the chilies and stuff coming out of your Kulo? Guess so. You guys ready to get the show started? I must know.

Okay. We'll save it for a doctor. Okay. Okay. Let's ask Drew. All right. We can ask. I got that NRE, Tom.

NRE is really strong. All right. Here we go. NRE. Rest in peace, sped smoker. I was just going to tell you your eyebrows are, the way you did your eyelashes looks really good today. Okay.

Yeah. How do you sell Connell? Well, you have to look it up in the dictionary. That's what we do in America. Are you from America? We don't have names in the dictionary. Yes. Well, that names in the dictionary.

It's the 15th one in C from the back forward Connell. It's a, it's an animal if you look at it. Oh, it's Randy. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Setsu. And Christina Pajitz and Christina Pajitz.

Welcome to your mom's house. It's such a dumb song. It's the greatest song. It's the greatest song ever. It's the greatest song of the whole time. He does have a point that her eyelashes, is it her brows that he likes or the lashes? How do you get a job here, your fuck face?

Oh no. Those eyelashes, this is the thing that women are doing now is getting extreme eyelashes put on their regular eyelashes. It looks crazy if you do too much. Yeah. It's another mentally ill thing. I don't know if I would call her that. No, no, she looks normal.

Yeah, she does. She looks pretty, she's pretty. She's a pretty lady just doing her thing and are the late Conald E. Peterson. It's kind of a little at a line. Just ruining her day. What is the deal with everybody staring at these phones all the time? I've got one just like that.

I find it not very entertaining at all. Can you tell me? We're not entertaining ourselves. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. And I don't think he does have the same phone that they have. I think he's got like a razor or something. Oh, yeah.

He's not on the same phone. Sidekick. I'm sorry, Kate Keaving. I'm sorry. My bad. Okay, the white's blinging. This thing, look at all that white, even the old piece of shit's white. All white for me, folks.

For my stories, after the red flash, you know, it's white, but never been against that black. I don't know. He's describing the colors of the cars, but he was like, I'm all white and then don't bet against black. But those have meaning. It has hidden meaning. Yeah, no, I'm sure there's a lot of meaning there. You guys always notice the white chariots around when you're filming?

They're always white around me. I can't tell you how kind of that is. They kind of are. He's right. There's really no pattern. Hustle of the red, the white flash. Thank you. Thank you.

Can I get your name before I split? Can I get your name? Peterson. What's your first name? Connell. Connell? Yeah. He was truthful.

You know, when I, I think when I first saw this, I was like, that's a made-up name. And then since he passed, I learned that that's actually real. That is his legal name, yeah. But she reacted the way most people would. Like Connell. Yeah. That's not. Yeah.

Well, because. So I was like, you just made that up on the spot. Well, because doesn't Connell sound like one of those new, fandangled, made-up names? Kind of. Like what the kids are having today. Yeah. Like Brayden.

Brayden's not really, I don't think, or Caden. Those are made-up names. Yeah. We work with her, Brayden. I know. I know. And every time he emails me, I'm like, that's not a real name. Your mom just made that up.

Yeah. I mean, he's not standard. He's not eight, you know. Right. He finished 20s. Right. But his mom made that name up, but it's not his fault. Well, we should hit him up.

Should we call him right now? He's calling right now. I'll be like, what's up with your name, dumb dumb? Okay. You got one of those made-up, fancy new names. Logan. No, Logan's not made up. Logan's an old school name.

Yep. Let's see here. But there's definitely a thing about Brayden, Caden, those Aden type names are Mackenzie. It's another popular one. Let's see here. Crystal. Crystal's a whore's name, but we all know that.

Yeah. I'm seeing an appeal answer. Hey. Hey, Brayden. Yes, sir. Hey, I'm doing the podcast right now. You're on. Christina says you don't have a real name.

Wow. Yeah. She said your mom made it up. Uh, that's sort of true. They actually found it in a newspaper and then ran with it. Really? See. Yeah.

What did they find though, that city named Brayden? Or is it, how did they come up with it? They, like, legitimately, my dad was reading the paper one morning and told him a story. And he's like, how about that for our son? And that's what happened. Wow. So Christina's kind of right.

Boom. Boom. Yeah. Do you have you ever met another Brayden? Um, like one or two ever. And what were they like? Um, I mean, I know, like, personality similarity. I don't know.

It's like, it's a very low sample size, so it's hard to compare. Yeah. Okay. It's not a real name. What's your middle name? What's your middle name? Alex Amer, Christina. No.

Alexander. Oh, okay. That's real. That passed the test. Okay. We just wanted to make sure, man. I'm real. Okay.

All right. Thanks, Brayden. Thanks, Brayden. Let's talk to you all later. Okay. Bye-bye. Oh, hello. You guys all think the blonde is crazy.

And then I'm right. Hello, can I get a little credit for that one? Yep. I'll see. You got it right. Made up. Thank God we don't have those millennial fancy names. I know.

We kept it. Our parents kept it OS, baby. Tom and Christina. OS, baby. OS. Um, what was I going to tell you? Oh, yeah.

The rest of this. All right. So there's more? I was just going to tell you your eyebrows are, the way you did your eyelashes looks really good today. Okay. Conal? Yeah.

How do you spell conal? Well, you'll have to look it up in the dictionary. That's what we do in America. Are you from America? We don't have names in the... Thank you very much for your time. Thank you. Can I get your name?

No, sir. Okay. I noticed you answered the twang, but I think you're holding out on me. I think there's more to that name. Okay. Well, the twang is not even close to my name. That's a racist comment, sir.

Well, he's not really hearing stuff right. You know, like, he's listening to voices in his own head. Oh, that's true. I thought you meant she said it, and he was like, oh, I misheard it. Well, you know what's interesting is that she goes, names aren't in the dictionary, sir. Like, I would have never responded that way.

I'm from America. Oh, I didn't know for sure. I didn't know. I'm not a racist. No, it's just because I look different. I don't... No, I think you look beautiful, actually. You're one of the prettiest ladies I've seen.

You didn't ask somebody you're from America. I didn't ask you if you're from America. Did I? You did. Well, are you from America? I am from America. Well, that's great. Why engage?

He's like, I didn't. Did I? Oh, are you? Well, why engage the crazy guy? Well, she tried not to, actually, in her defense. She tried not to. That's great. I'm proud to have you here, man.

So don't assume my name is Twang. Okay. Why would I assume... Guys, that's what I would name you if you were my child. Why? Because you look like a twang, like a guitar player. Like a guitar player. Back pedaling.

Back pedaling. Twang in the guitar? You know, I'd put you on my band. Anyways, thank you. What do you think of this day? It's a great day. Great day. God bless you.

And I'm going to continue to call you Twang. Never been against the block, Americans. There you go. Bless you, girl. Have a nice day. I think there's a lot of coded racism in this video. He was like, don't bet against the black. There's whites everywhere.

Are you twang? Yeah. You look like a guitar player. Now you're starting to understand his language. His crazy language. Yeah. Poor twang. Poor twang.

She's just trying to do her job. Trying to do her job, buddy. You look like a twang. You know what I mean? Yeah, like a guitar player. Not like a racist twang. Touch my camera through the fence, you faggot. Oh, ta-ta there.

God, I really miss him. Such a good guy. I know. I miss him too. This is exciting before we go further. Real quick, thanks for supporting the new Run NRE shirt, the Saku Soufflé shirt, and the Saku Soufflé hoodie. I really appreciate your guys' support with that.

They're all in the store. You can get them at merchmethod.com slash tomcigura and really appreciate it. I mean, the NRE, just so you know, we did it for our poly friends. A lot of people in our community feel maybe marginalized, kind of left out, and they don't have something that makes them feel comfortable. So that's why we made the Run NRE shirt. So that people who thrive in new relationship energy have something that they can put on with pride.

Yeah, and you know what I love doing, Tom? More than NRE, just blowing people's minds. Yeah. Like when we walk down the street, and it's you and me, and then you're holding your girlfriend's hand, I'm holding my boyfriend's hand, and people are like, what? Like that's what I live on. My favorite thing is about being poly.

Walking down the street, holding her hand while she's holding his hand. Giving her a kiss, and then watching him give her a kiss, and people just kind of looking blank. What just happened? Oh my God. Did he, and he did not kill each other? Yeah. You know what else is like that when I was a teenager,

and I'd wear goth makeup, and I'd be like, why is everybody looking at me? God. Just leave me alone. I'm trying to be left alone. I'm just dressed like death. Yeah. God. Stop staring.

So adolescent. Very adolescent. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. It's really cool. When are we going to start opening up this relationship, Tom? Soon as we start rocking these shirts, man.

You know, it's really cool, is if you could fall in love with my best friend. Sock and souffle. Sock and souffle. I could fall in love with your best friend if you set it up, make it happen, and then let everybody be in awe, you know? You're like, Christina, did you do this best friend just kiss Tom? I'm so happy for them, and I'm so excited. This is the best I've ever felt.

It's the best. When your husband and your best friend hook up. Yeah. It's just the best. It's awesome. It's so great. Another exciting thing. Yes.

Really exciting thing is that one of my dreams came true. I know. We both got to be in a rap video, a music video. It was so fun. Well, first of all, you got a shout out in the new Zara Face song. Bizarro. Zara. Bizarro.

Bizarro. And if that wasn't cool enough. Then they hit us up, and here's the thing. The video is out now. It is completely enmeshed with your mom's house. I mean, it's like the theme of the video. Did you get to see the video? Both of you guys saw it?

You saw it? I saw it. I don't think I've seen it yet. I haven't showed it to anyone. It's so cool. We've been watching it over and over. It's really amazing. They really made it look amazing.

And I don't know, I'll be able to die being like, yeah, I'm in a music video with Inspector Deck from the Wu Tank. I mean, that's wild to me. It's pretty radical. Yeah. So they definitely shout out to Zara Face esoteric 7L, Inspector Deck.

You guys totally made it happen. It was really fun. We did it right here and in the other room. And they shot some at the live show. But I would say the majority of that video is shot here. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to give away plot, but it's kind of a YMH fantasy.

Yeah. You can look at it. You can look at it right now. You type in Zara Face Bizarro. It's on YouTube. Hey, let me ask you this. What's the director's name? Do you remember?

Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike Peche. P-E-C-C-I. Mike Peche. That's Peche. Yep.

He did a great job directing it. So it was a total thrill for them. Like when at first, when Seamus hit me up about it, he was like, will you do a cameo? Like just a pop. I figured it would be like, just kind of pop your head in thing, you know, for the line. And then he was like, as DJ Dadmouth.

And I was like, yeah, sure. Then I was like, I don't have any of that gear anymore. So then they hit us up with the treatment for the video. And it's like, yeah, it's really cool. It's really fun. It was such a good time. Yeah, yeah. We're going to become rappers now,

because I think we enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so much that I'm going to be a rapper. You think so? Yeah, I think so. I think I've got the skills to pay the bills. You know what's really, I don't know, in real talk though, whenever we have musicians in that chair, like, you know, he rapped at some point, Seamus,

and watching him like do the thing, you're like, whoa, like you really see them when they're dialed in doing their thing. And you're like, this is so talented. He's really talented though. Oh, it's nuts. Like, he's other level. I mean, most rappers are like,

the truth is that most are bullshit. Even super famous ones, they're just kind of, they're not, they don't have the skill set. They'll learn how to deliver lines. And the skill level of writing the lyrics, for a lot of people, it's like a four or five. You know, he's like a 10, seriously. Oh, because yeah, yeah, just from what I saw

and then I'm listening to the song over and over, and you're like, this is a really great song. The dude is so talented. I mean, it's really other level. Damn, dude. I have such an appreciation for rap music now, since I was in a rap video, and I bought Jay-Z's book, Decoded,

because I'm a huge fan of the black album. Yeah. What? No, it's just funny that you were walking around the house, and I was like, did you know? Did you know that on 99 Problems, did you know? Well, I'm a huge Jay-Z fan. I think he's so brilliant, and he's so talented,

and yeah, a bitch ain't one. It's not about a lady. It's about the canine unit that never comes, and he gets off. He gets off, yeah. And I was like, to the last 15 years, I've been like, 99 Problems, but a bitch ain't one, thinking it's women.

And I'm like, I'm cool. I like Jay-Z enough that I don't give a shit. I don't give a fuck that he's talking about hoes. Yeah, but I thought it was about, he meant that because he had Beyonce, that he doesn't need other bitches. Oh, right. Like, she's the main bitch.

That's what I thought. I mean, that's a logical place to go. It's not a bad theory, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But then you actually read and figure out that, right, you died in the book, is it? Yeah, it's amazing.

And I didn't realize how much he loved Big Daddy Kane. As well, that that was a huge influence on his style. Brooklyn guys, yeah, yeah. I was like, dude, now I totally, that's a kid's cool. Big Daddy Kane put him on, like back in the day, when he was just in the neighborhood, he put him on, I forget, one of those songs, and they're in a video together,

and this is way before Jay-Z blows up. And yeah, he was like, definitely, you know, heavily influenced by his style. The mossy projects. It's that one there on the far left. Man. Yeah, I believe it's that. And just, I didn't know that Jay-Z collected art,

and then he really fought to have hard-knock life. The Annie part put in, and he rallied, he wrote a letter saying how influential that movie was to him growing up to get the rights to the Annie music. Oh, so they said no at first? Of course, they're like, no, who the fuck are you? You're a fucking black rapper? Yeah, and they're like, why would we give you that?

And then he wrote a letter saying, no, no, I wrote a paper about Annie when I was in school. The song means a lot to me. I really would like to use it, blah, blah, blah. And he won them over, essentially. Wow. Yeah, brilliant, brilliant guy. Anyway, I'm very excited to be into rap.

I'm 43 years old, and I'm really starting to cultivate a new interest. I'm really getting into it, yeah. I mean, I've always passively liked it, but now I'm serious. Like, I'm really getting into the deeper layers of it, and it's pretty fucking fascinating. 15 years after knowing me, she's like,

I kind of like the music you listen to a lot. Well, I've always just been into my own music. No, I know. You know, I like the Clash and Pixies and stuff, so. You got to get me on some of your cracker shit, you know? You will never go to the cracker side of the force. I feel like you always are like, was this bullshit? I'm like, it's not bullshit.

I tried to explain to you that public enemy in the Clash were doing parallel things. I know. The Chuck D. podcast on Clash. Chuck D. kicked Flavor Flav out of public enemy last week, two weeks ago. It's crazy. Why old?

Yeah, it's really crazy. I mean, I guess he said he's going to play this concert for Bernie, right? Or like endorsing Bernie, and then Flavor Flav was like, not having it? And was like, nah, man, we're not doing that. So then Chuck D. was like, no, it's public enemy radio, which is, you know, legally.

He's allowed, if he performs as that, public enemy radio doesn't have Flav as a member. And so he doesn't need like to, you know, you can bill it as public enemy radio, and technically Flav's not involved, but then Flav was still pushing back, trying to get like lawyers involved, and was like, you know, and then Chuck D. said,

he goes, he said, Flav wouldn't know the difference between Barry Sanders and Bernie Sanders. So he's like, he doesn't know what the fuck's going on. Which is kind of true, I think. Of course. Flav's out of his mind. And then, I mean, he just kicked, he said he's kicked out of it.

He's out of the group. Wow, how do you, can they do that? You know, a lot of things with like these super power, these big groups will sometimes be, there's one person who really owns the name and the rights. Oh, right. Like like Bon Jovi, you know, it's not only his name, but it's his band, and he can technically,

he makes the decisions, he can do whatever he wants. So I guess, maybe, public enemies like that, where Chuck D. actually legally is in charge of it all, on paper, you know? So maybe he can be like, you know what, you're not in the fucking group anymore. It's gotta be so hard to be in a group. I mean, creatively, when you think about what we do,

thank God we're lone wolves for the most when we do this together, but having to deal with five or four different personalities and split paychecks and like. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing though, is like Bon Jovi pays, puts them on a salary. Like a rate salary. Yeah, like and the same thing for, what's it called?

Rolling Stones? Yeah, I know. So the two guys who are paid, like the big bucks, are just Mick and Keith. 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,920 And they pay salary to the other guys. That's bananas. But I'm assuming it's probably a pretty bitchin' one.

Yeah, for sure. Better be bitchin'. Yeah, they're not like, here's a hundred bucks, thanks for coming, man. I know. What's that guy's name? The drummer? Yeah, I forget his name.

Ah, I forget, right? Not Charlie Rose. Yeah, Charlie Rose. Pete Best? No, that's the Beatles one. I was thinking of Ronnie Wood. Ronnie Wood's saxophone. Charlie Watts, that's what you're thinking of, on the drums?

But see, no, no, I was thinking of Wood. But like that, Ronnie Wood doesn't get, you know. Like Mick Jagger Money? No, no, yeah. But he's on salary. Damn. So I'm sure it's an insane salary. Wouldn't you love to know what their salaries are?

You could probably, I mean, I'm sure there's... Let's see how much these fools make. Fool. Damn, homie. Oh, damn. 88 mil per year. That's good. That's okay.

Yeah. That's nuts. Does it break it down? Does it say like... Oh, it does one of those things. I don't think this is a real sight. Really, what gives that away? Random, I was...

Ethan and Ela Klein pointed out that I was featured on wiki feet. Oh, yeah. Now, I'd like to defend my photo that's up there, because it did not get a very high rating. Is that that foot picture was lifted from my Instagram, and I was nine months pregnant. I literally gave birth the next day, and that was the last pedicure I had before I gave birth.

This is to when I did... See. Ellis when I was pregnant with Ellis. Yeah. So, you know... Oh, that one on the right. There it is. And that's the lady.

She's the lady, the Asian lady looking up. They took on the Asian lady, and she's like, look how fat this baked potato is. And so I feel like I didn't really get a fair shake. You didn't. So that means we got to submit some new photos. I don't know about that.

Why not? You want to up your rating or not? You don't want to up your rating? I don't want you up there with this shitty rating. You want the best for me, babe? Yeah, of course. What are you trying to say? You deserve five star foot ratings.

Look at her. That poor woman revving that sausage. I was so fucking bloated and just so ready. You're like nine months pregnant. No. I literally gave birth the next day after this was taken. So I'm a little upset that this is the shot they got. So for anyone out there jerking off to my foot photos,

just know that that's not indicative of what I can really... Are we not going to submit new photos? Okay, fine. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I got my feet are nice. That was a bad day.

Really bad. Okay. Okay. You know what? That is a kind of porn I would do if I were broke, is foot porn. That's real easy. Oh, yeah.

That's nothing. I would film and provide all the cum. All the cum. Yeah, I wouldn't mind. Would you masturbate? Like let's say it's 2008 and we're super broke. Would you jerk off on a porn? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, I think so. How much money? Well, can I mask? Can I throw a mask on? Because that's a big difference. What kind of mask? Just like a luchador, like a wrestling mask.

And then what's your theme? Yeah, there you go. Oh, yeah. That first one there. Oh, it's scary. This Stanley Kubrick one. I would wear that and be like, you just hear me grunt through the mask.

I like that one. Well, that's a safe bet because nobody can figure out who you really are. Bless you. Bless you. It's always too early. I feel like that is a good mask. I mean, here's the thing. You're broke as shit.

Okay. Yeah. That's the scenario we're discussing. You're broke as shit. It's a struggle to pay the bills. Yep. Do you do straight up just on camera? Hey, I'm doing porn now.

I mean, I think no. I think you probably want to dip your toe, so to speak in. And then what kind of money are we talking about? Well, now that I've just had a flash of insight, tell me if my thinking is flawed. Okay. Remember the old lady who did OnlyFans? Yeah.

She's killing it. Killing it. That's kind of now that I think about it, because are those videos made public? Are they searchable? Like can they come back to haunt me? No, you got to be members. Well, kind of.

Yeah, because somebody can just rip it and post it. Yeah. So you were about to do gang bangs? Well, what I'm thinking. I don't know. I don't know. You just said, can it come back to haunt me? What I'm thinking of is what can not come back to haunt me.

So that when I am a successful comedian a decade later, they can't be like, dude, look at Christina doing interracial gang bangs. You could probably do gaping videos. You know? What is that exactly? Or you just spread your asshole open? But do I have to have a dick in it that makes it spread open?

What do you mean you just spread your beehull and that's a thing? Yes. And people are like, we have bigger assholes. Seriously? But my beehull is not that big. I know, but you try to keep getting it bigger. You just go for it, you know? Stretch it out.

Try it out. You don't want to try? You don't want to try? Would you do that? No, I wouldn't do asshole gaping. But I think I would do the masturbating ones. With a mask on. With a mask on.

No one can identify you. What if I was a masked gang bang, gang banger? Wait, that's a thing, a gang banger. Okay. So you have a mask on? And I do interracial gang bangs with the LA Lakers. That's quite a leap. We just went from, I don't know if I want to show something

and then there's an interracial gang bang. But I'm trying to make money. I'm trying to make some coin, bro. I mean, yeah, I think you could. I think you could make some money. Do you think the Lakers would do it? No, they have pretty good salary. What about the Clippers?

They're not as popular as the Lakers. Yeah, they're a pretty good shot. What basketball team would? I want to go to the G League. What's that? The developmental league of the NBA where they're just like, they're not making millions yet. Yeah, okay.

Or if I were you, what I would do is go to a college campus. That's even better. Then you're like pulling from all, you could be like, you know, March Madness theme and like, you know, college kids, which is a big taboo. I know, but they're too young and they don't know how to F, right? Oh, no, these guys do. These guys do.

When you're a D1 athlete, you know how to fuck. You're born fucking. Born fucking. That's a good name for an album. So walk me through here because this is all a big surprise to me. Yeah. Take me through the leap that you went to from kind of like, I don't know if I would even appear on camera to the gang bang scenario.

Because I could do it, but I would be masked if we're going to do masks. I feel like that. Did it ever occur to you to just have a masked one off kind of sex? Why so many people? Because it's a niche lane. If I do the entire basketball team, that's not what everybody sees. There you go. There you go.

I'm trying to make coin, bro. There I am. How much money do you think you're making? There I go. There she is. Nobody could ever identify me. How much do you think you're making with your new video? With my pup mask?

Yeah. That one's really terrible. I've never seen a female pup before. That one's hot right there. How much arm am I making? How much can you make on fans only? I fucking love this one. It's only $31.18, 20% off.

How much money could you make? It's up to you. Are you willing to keep making content or not? Yeah. That's why I do the team at once. And then I've got all this content banked. And I don't have to do it every time somebody. That was, you know, that's the problem Josh was saying with his sex work.

Is that he would get these requests and then he has to fulfill them. Yeah. So if I could bank. Yeah. It's a really good point. Yeah. Fuck, man. What?

I have, oh, it's just, you know, really cool. How much money do you think you're going to make doing this again? Okay. I'm not sure, but at least $5,000 a month, I'm thinking. Oh, maybe. Yeah. That's a pretty niche lane.

Come on, Nadob. Don't, don't go like, uh, put your, put your 5,000 a month. We could get more for you. Yeah. Now let me ask you this. You put yourself in the same scenario. It's your roughest time. Brokeest year.

00:32:49,920 --> 00:32:51,440 The brokest you've ever been. Would you do anything sexual on camera for it knowing that a windfall of cash is at the end of it? And I get to choose what kind of porn. Yeah. Yeah. I think not showing my face and maybe. You do the mask then too.

I'll do some sort of mask. I don't know if I'm a strong performer enough to do straight up normal stuff. Okay. So it would, I think it'd be pretty, pretty niche things. I don't know what that niche thing would be. What about being submissive? Like tied up the. Oh, you know what?

That's nice and easy. Having Dom spit in my mouth and throw up all over them. I think I'd do really well there. Yeah. You would do it? Yeah. Like I don't think that would make me puke, but I could learn how to do it. He goes, I do really well.

I think he actually enjoyed the, the pitch. He's like, I guess I'll do it. Like what if someone wanted to put cigarettes out on your arms or like. Nope. That's my rule. No pain. No pain. No, no, no.

Actually, hold on. I'm not saying no pain. No scars. No scars. That's fair. No scars. That's fair. Any, would you do anything if you were in like your, your poorest, you're having trouble paying rent?

You know what I mean? And they're like, just, just shoot this scene. Give you, you know, $2,000. Yeah, I would do it now. You do it right now. Not being broke. And, and really would you do mask or unmasked? I'll do unmasked.

Okay. You don't care? Wow. I don't know. You're willing to be on camera having sex right now? Yeah. 100%. I don't, I mean, I don't understand the, like, the, the hesitation with it.

I mean, is it an embarrassment or? I think some people, yeah, I feel like, you know, they don't want it out there. Like that it's them having sex. No, I don't know. I feel like it'd be kind of a, I mean, I guess, I guess there'd be pressure. That's about it. Exactly. Yeah.

But not, no embarrassment. Are you being serious? 100%. But there's, it's a dark hole. Like, don't you think once you start getting into sex work, I mean, you saw Josh, he kind of fell apart emotionally. But what would you do? What would be your limit?

Uh, I wouldn't, nothing going inside me, basically, besides that, whatever. So right now, you would, you would go shoot a sex scene on camera? Like literally right now? Well, you know, I mean. You know, I'm not sure. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, yeah, sure. Wow. I mean, you have opportunities. How much would you need? I think we do, actually. Yeah. How much would you need? I don't even know what that stuff pays.

And you, you have, um, I just want to be clear about this. You would be like, yeah, it's just me getting blown and, and having sex on camera. You don't care who sees it? No. I mean, I would hate if my mom found it. That's about it. But, but I don't, I don't know. Besides that, I don't really care.

Okay. New scenario. You, okay, okay. You do the porn and part of the porn is that your mom has to watch it. Oh my God. What? She doesn't have to masturbate to it, but she has to watch it. Oh my God.

So, so this is a, like a fetish thing? Well, no, it's just part of the deal. This is just Christina's mind. I'll give you a million dollars to do this scene. A million dollars. Now it's fantasy. Hold on. Hold on.

It's a boy girl scene. So it's just straight sex. But the caveat being that your mom has to watch it and you have to watch your mom watch it. Oh, so, so she's in the room with me? Or is she like on a TV? Oh no. Sorry.

You finish the scene. It's on tape and then you show it to your mom to be like, see what I did at work today? And then she watches it and then you get a million dollars. So, so I shoot a sex scene. I show it. She sees it. I watch her see it and then I give everyone's mic out of their hand. Why?

Because of how fucking convoluted this is. It's just a it's a fun scenario. Okay. Go ahead. Well, would you do it for a million dollars? I mean, I guess for a million, I guess as like if she wasn't in the room. No. That's the biggest part.

No. Million dollars is a lot of money. Look, we have an actual sex worker on staff. So why don't we shift it to Josh? 500 to 600 dollars per scene is what you get paid in pornography for the men. Josh, would you would you shoot a regular sex scene on camera? I mean, I'm not shooting regular sex scenes, but I'm basically just doing the scenario you're presenting like, are you poor?

Do you want to make money doing porn? And I'm doing that. So would you do would you up it though? Yeah. I mean, for how much money? I mean, sure. Let's say 1500 dollars. Would you would you for one scene?

Yeah, sure. You would? Yeah. Wait, no, think this through, Josh. You want to be a famous comedian. I think it helped me sell tickets, frankly. Wow. Hey, if we set this up for you.

Is that legal, Tom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's legal. He's a porn producer. Oh, okay. So I'll hire the talent, make sure everyone's tested. Yeah. Can I pick can I be at the casting?

Yep. Okay. I mean, I'm in. You really are in. Yeah. You'll shoot the scene. Yeah. I don't know if I can watch.

You have. That's the that's the caveat. Christina has to watch for a million dollars. No, no, no. There's no minute. Fuck get the million out of your head. No. Christina has to get Christina a million dollars to watch it.

No. You would say no. Josh, because after I, if I saw you doing that, I could never see you in the same way again. 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:36,800 Who cares? So what? Our relationship would forever be tarnished.

That's fine. We'd have new NRE. Yeah. Oh my god. Well, first of all, I'm going to tell you, I have no reservations about seeing it because I'm going to direct it. Yeah.

Not only are you going to see it, you are going to decide which ways I have the sex. And I'm going to be like, all right, you need to pop now. Give us a pop shot. I can't, Tom. I can't. Well, that's right.

There's no pop shot. Well, I mean, I'll do it just the way that they do it, where I just jerk off under the tits or wherever Tom says. Yeah. Yeah. There's a director here. Hello. Yeah.

Hello. Okay. Then how does he jerk off? What's the grand finale? I decide in the moment. Yeah. This is how do you make it? I'm an artist.

Don't put them on the spot. It's part of the scene. You know, you want to, he's got to do a screenplay. Oh my god, I'm going to do this. I'm going to direct my first porn. I'm so excited. You don't even know. And then I'm going to have Annie walk in.

To your surprise. Annie will walk in and be like, this is how you really feel. Yeah. Annie's going to come in and go, you break round. And then I have to be like, oh, so that's how you do it. And then she turns and looks at your deck and goes,

like that. I'm just spitballing some, some porn hub titles, perhaps, you know, it's like cool black guy teaches. Nerdy white guy, how to fuck, something like that. Yeah, nerdy little bitch. Yeah, yeah. Bitch ass white boy with a small dick, how to fuck.

Bitch ass cook and cool black dude, fuck same girl. Cool black dude with much superior penis, fucks hot girl while nerdy bitch ass boy watches. Well, listen, yeah, it's a long one. We need to get going on this project. Just make note that I would like to start contacting some talent agencies and some locations, you know, so we have some options of where to shoot.

Oh my God, that makes sense. There is porno. Yeah, I'll get my agency on it actually. I'll see what we have in our roster. Yeah, speaking of sex work and whatnot, this weekend or this or a week ago, you and I were in Las Vegas and it was really fun. Everyone that came to the Mirage shows was a blast

and we got to go to the UFC fights with Rogan and it was a great time but you also got to see somebody who had purchased a cameo from you before. That's right, Corey Taylor, lead singer of Slipknot and noted mommy and his wife was also into the show. Back on Christmas Eve, purchased my sex work. His wife purchased it for him. Merry Christmas.

Yeah, of course. I believe I have the video of it's laid together where it's your cameo and then him watching it. Oh my God. They can watch it here together right now. Christmas miracle. No way. Are you serious?

Oh my goodness, Alicia, if this is truly for the one, the only Corey Taylor, of course I'm a metal fan, big Slipknot guy, I am honored. Beyond honored to share with Corey Taylor my gift to the world, my shoulder hair. Here it is for you, sir. In all its glory, you're on a great day. Look how thick and lush it is.

And over on this side, someone left a present under the tree. Shoulder hair. Shoulder hair. It's Christmas time on my shoulder. I'm not as great a singer as you, sir, but I hear that you have a deformed toe named Hugo. I don't have a deformed toe.

They're all in pretty great shape. Oh my goodness. So I stepped on something there. I stepped on something that's not good for business. I gotta go to the shop, get it fixed up. But honest to goodness, this is a great honor. I hope both you and Alicia have a fantastic Christmas and a merry new year.

And I hope you stay in touch. This has been fantastic. Thank you for indulging in my sex work. Loves it. Loves it. That's the coolest thing ever. Thank you. Oh my goodness.

Well, I'm saving that to get a special album. Hey, you're the one who brought the sex into it. Just saying. Look, I can't turn Potter down, you know? Pretty good, man. Wow. Wow. That's amazing.

That must feel good. Just another satisfied customer, you know? Are you still doing them? When they come in, I gotta make rat talk. Are you varying it now? Are you doing your foot? Oh, if whatever the people have a request for. You'll do that.

Shoulder hair is unique. I find that I'm the only one providing it out there. That shoulder hair is no joke. When we shoot our scene, I actually, you know, normally I would tell most of my talent to go ahead and get clean shaven. No, you can't have. I mean, that's part of my deal.

No, that is the deal. I got the shoulder hair insured at this point. J-Lo got her ass insured. I might actually make the theme of the scene shoulder hair related. Well, I think that's my draw. You would be silly not to do that. Now, how would you do that?

I'm trying to think of a way to incorporate a woman in that, like where the girl's like having a dream, like, oh, I wish I could have a man with hairy shoulders. Something like that, yeah. I'll tell you exactly how she would do it. Yeah. It would be a tripping of sorts on my shoulders. You see.

Yeah. Doesn't that make sense? I might do a thing where it's a massage therapist. Yeah. And she goes, okay, just get in dress and get under the linen or whatever. And then when she walks in, she goes, oh my God, those shoulders are so hairy.

Like she didn't see it when he walked in. Oh, I like that. Because wearing a shirt. And then she's like, wow, you have a lot of shoulder hair. And you're like, yeah, that's what I'm known for. And then it kind of spiced. You know, it gets heated for the first time. And wait, at first, does she repulse like, oh my God,

this is so weird. I think we're having it be like, it's her secret. She gets wet and she doesn't even know why. Yes. Oh, wow. She's like, is there a flood in here? Yeah. Yeah.

And then. That's how ladies talk to themselves. Right. Oh my God, they're floating here. My panties are like a water balloon. Yeah, nobody says. And then he reaches out and he goes, oh, I think I touched your pussy.

I got it. Well, I thought perhaps she could be giving me a massage on my shoulders, you know? That's what I'm saying. And then she's like, you know, my hands just aren't strong enough to penetrate your lush shoulder hair. I think I have to use my pussy. And then that's how she does it.

This is a cool scenario. Yeah. I also think I'm going to laugh so hard when I'm like, OK, go ahead and eat his ass. I'll be like, it's part of it. And then she'll be like, are you laughing at me? I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh my God.

I'm sorry. And I'll be like, excuse me, I'm a professional. You need to start going. And then when she squirt oil into his hair, like to rub it, like to show the texturing. I think we might mix a whole bunch of different genres and fetishes together in the scene. Well, you know, clips are the rage.

I mean, we could get a couple of different things out of this, you know, in one shoot. Let's use our time economically. Yes, definitely. She'll be definitely blowing you through a donut hole, if that's what you're wondering. Yeah, a donut hole. Yeah, it'll be.

I hope it's a thin donut. You guys are so nasty. Christina, what would you like to see? For you? Yeah. Nothing, not like this. I mean, I was thinking differently. I was thinking of like guys coming in the shoulder hair.

Oh my God. Like a bukkake shoulder. This is the one you'd like to watch? No, not from a marketing perspective. I'm thinking that. I'm thinking about who specifically this demographic is that's into male shoulder hair. And I'm thinking it's guys, actually not so much women.

So maybe we should skew it towards the male homosexual viewer. So you may want to get like five or six guys jizzing, like taking turns on your shoulder hair or something like that. Why don't we see how the boy-girl one goes and then maybe pivot in a direction based off that? Well, what are you bumping up against here? Okay, I have to tell you something.

I'm really into the shoulder hair bukkake, you know? Oh, you've changed. Say? If we can up the money, is there an option? Sure, it would have to be a bit more. When you just said it, the title, shoulder hair bukkake. I mean, that's its own thing. That is a new thing.

Yeah. Here's what I'm thinking. You just created it. If you just will hear me out. Yeah. Here's what I'm thinking. Super hot chick. Sounds good?

Yeah. You get to pick her from casting. Yeah. You guys have a great scene. Okay. You're going to get blown and you're going to have sex with her and it's going to be a lot of fun. And then there's a part two.

Hold on. Two leaves. She goes, come for me, baby. And you go, but I can't. And you pull out and you're like, I can't. And you kind of get sad. You're sitting on your knee. Like, you know what I mean?

You're on your knees. I can't. Like Charlie Brown. Yeah. And then there's a knock at the door. And then real quick, 10 guys come in and they all come on your shoulder. And then she goes, well, they can do it. That's it.

Kind of makes no sense. But that's how I want the scene to go now. Yeah. Okay. You know, I'm open to exploring some options. You get double the rate. Wait, hold on. Double?

Oh, double the rate. And does it get two? That's only three grand then, eh? That's a lot of money. See, I, you know what it is? Like many performers in the business, they have their standard rates for what they do. Right. And then, you know, if you want a little extra, something perhaps, you know,

out of their wheelhouse, it costs a bit extra. You know what I mean? How much are we talking about? So we might be talking like $10,000 per, you know, $1,000 per load. Okay. But then you get the, then what it is, it's really a bargain. Because it's $1,000 per load. And then you get the boy girl scene as a bonus.

Right, but we'll think about it from our end. You know, Tom's got to pay all the other performers. We've got to rent a space. You know, I don't think that the other performers are going to be the center of the, of the production. So I think you can really kind of, not to say skimp, but perhaps get a lower rated performer. You know? I'm not picky.

Can you meet me in the middle somewhere? You know, I, I tend not to do these negotiations alone, but you know, for you, I will discuss $5,000. You know, we might have to go down to eight loads or something. We'll have to meet somewhere in a load department. And, uh, yeah, like also we're, you know, what are the size of the loads? Who are we talking as far as- These are just regular dude loads.

Okay. You know, they're, they're- We're not bringing in top tier, uh, okay. They're tested. They're tested. Are we, are we casting? Is Josh casting these guys? No, no, no.

These are just homeless guys coming. These are mostly yes three guys, but, but- Well, then they're going to cost you $100 a pop. So that's, you're saving right there. I know, I know. I, look, I, I just- That was a discussion you probably wanted to have behind closed doors. Because now that I know that they're homeless people.

Look, I want this to be the best scene. I care about the scene being awesome. Yeah. So, let's work, let's work out the details. I'll have my manager at ATL call you. I really want to shoot this. If you're open. Yeah.

If you're open to it. All right. I think the fans are going to go nuts. Oh, I, I think your ticket sales are going to go. I hope so. Because golly, if they don't after that, say they plummet. I'm just going to hang myself. I just want to be there with you when your parents find out.

And they're like, what happened? And you like, Tom, what did you do to this? And I'm like, oh, I tried to make it. But like, did Tom fire you? And I'll be like, no, he directed it. Well, because you know that- He made it, mom. That, and porn, everybody does find out.

That's like number one. Is that it's a given that your pastor, your stepdad, your- He's going to do one scene, one scene. They're all going to find out. They're not all going to find out from one scene. If he makes it a career, they'll find out. Unlike any, I really don't have respect for my parents. So I don't care if they see it.

Yeah. Yeah. You know? I mean, I'm just so happy. I have respect for my parents. This is really good. Thank you, man. God, you're so scary.

What does your crotch look like if you're- I keep that one nice and tidy, thanks to the folks at Manscaped. The 3.0 available. God, that was great. Yeah, that was amazing. I wonder if his legs and his buttocks are that hairy, too. I'm sure the butt's got to be. I'm sure he's got a lot of hair everywhere.

You know who's always going to have a special place in my heart? Steven Seagal. Always. Luckily for all of us, he's back at the news this week. Great. He is teaching people at a school how to fight against a fucking school shooter. He's training teachers and everything.

Wait a minute. He understands the difference between playing somebody in a movie that can do that. Let the video answer your question. America's war on gun crime is being fought on many fronts, from city streets to offices, even schools. But now the world's most powerful country has a new weapon. Yes, all action hero, Steven Seagal.

Oh my god. Yeah, you're not doctors and lawyers. You're cops right now. When you yell at somebody, get down on the ground. They got to do it. If they don't do it, you better make them comply. Quick. For every second that goes by, you could be losing children.

Okay? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Wait a minute. Like a general? He's an actor. He plays a guy. The most precious asset we have as a society and as human being

is our children. And I'm here to try to teach the posse firearms and martial arts to try to help them learn how to respond quicker and help protect our children. Or is that delay again? Is he even a father? Like, does he have children? He does have children.

He has children. Why is he wearing like the Arabic scarf? He does that now. Oh, he switched from the Japanese, from the kimono to the Arabic. Jesus. Oh. Those are all his kids? Fuck.

He has Ayako Fujitani. He has Arissa Labrach. Mm. This is crazy. Are there more? This motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Savannah.

Oh, my. Whoa. God. This fool's got mad kids, bro. He is out of control. I mean, look. But not everyone agrees. Posse members might be shooting at something who knows what

and who gets caught in the middle, our little kids. It's the brainchild of controversial Arizona police chief Joe Arpaio, dubbed America's toughest sheriff. Mm. Him and Seagal are buddies. Is this old or new? I think this is old. It is?

It looks old. Yeah. Because I think he doesn't like Seagal live abroad now. He just had a warrant served on him by the Security Exchange Commission. The SEC just made an announcement this week about Seagal. Really? Yeah.

What was he? Sexual? No, no, no, no, no. That's an old thing. The SEC. Right there. See? Scroll down.

The third one. That right there. Fine for justice by the SEC. Yeah. I don't know if there's a warrant. Maybe I got that wrong, but they definitely made a two fines or it's not the first time that Marshall Action Star was the news for legal scandal.

Hmm. Okay. I don't know exactly. Does it say what he did? This is crazy. Well, I can't believe he's giving police advice on how to be police or to, I mean, not even those aren't police, right? Those are just like militia.

He's at the school. He's teaching people at school. It's crazy. Yeah, let's see. Regina Simmons says Seagal raped her. She was 18 on the set of the Undeadly Ground. Another lady there said she, these are all in the article. She groped them, but the SEC chart.

Okay. Seagal promoted the cryptocurrency Bitcoin and failed to disclose his financial stake in the company. Oh, so that's what he used his social media to encourage fans to invest in Bitcoin's two-gen IPO in return for 250,000 cash and 750,000 in Bitcoin. Oh. Okay. Well, well, he's still a douchebag, so that's nice.

He's consistent. Yeah, he's very cool. Oh, real quick also, we got to mention that you, the calls. You guys are doing live calls on Dr. Drew's show. Yeah, so it's so much fun. We had a blast. Yeah, that's so cool. I did, I got to do calls with him on the episode I sat in on.

So fun to talk to you guys and you even did the live calls. Didn't you do them on where my mom's at too? Yep. And we're doing it on where my mom's at and Nadav helped me do that yesterday. Nice. It's so much fun to talk to you guys. Now that we're set up, there's a phone line to studio jeans. You guys can call in and what we do, we tweet it, right?

We tweet it or I do it on the Grom at the Christina P. I will announce it on Instagram and so follow me there if you would like to know when we, you know, release the hounds of opening the phones. And real quick, one last mention that channel memberships are now active. They're up, they're ready to go. If you want to sign up for channel memberships, you get ad-free episodes of your mom's house. Is that right? Yeah, you get ad-free episodes of your mom's house.

You'll get them a little bit earlier than they're released publicly. And also you might see a little bit more of what Tom and Christina see, you know, some stuff we need to kind of cut away from and just see your reactions because it's a little, you know, a little too hot for YouTube. But on these channel membership ones, you're going to see everything. And also, if you look in the description for a link right now, there's going to be the top link in the description. You just click that and it'll take you to the channel memberships page.

Or if you look right next to the subscribe button, there's going to be a join button. That will take you to channel memberships. All right. Awesome. Real before we end here, I think we should. Look at those blue eyes. I think we should dip into the fact that piss spots episode five came out.

I'm not going to say anything. Back for episode five. I got some Q&As. James McCarran says, you should rate the things you piss not only on skill level, but by how much piss it holds, how cool looks with PP in it. You're right. I should. I need to establish a rating system.

Still figuring it out. Yeah. All right. I'm going to just piss. I'm going to chug a beer. We're also in a historical cemetery. Yeah. Oh, taking the mask off.

He's got a cool mask on. Yeah. You can wear that for your gang band. I love it. Which historical cemetery is inside of a strip mall? Because I'm not sure. It might be a cemetery, but not historical, is that you're saying? Not sure.

What cemetery is next to a strip mall or in one? Where is that? Usually you can't walk out of the cell phone store into a cemetery. All right. This is depressing. Yeah. But also, listen, let's be a little, it's hard to find a groove on a show. Sometimes it takes the first five, six episodes before you know your characters,

you know your story arcs. And this is where it helps to have a team. You have kind of a group of people working with you on piss spots. You might, you know. Piss spots. Is that a cop? Probably. Oh, he's got it.

Cameraman, I forgot that. Yeah. Wow. I'm pissing into a white claw. What is a white claw? A bottle? Oh, it's getting in. It's a can.

White claws and a can. So now here's my question because I've drank white claw and it's narrow. It's like a Red Bull can. It's not very wide that opening. I just said it's getting everywhere. It's getting everywhere. Yeah. And plus the lip on that's got to be, it's a bottle, whatever.

Yeah. A can. Yeah. So it's got to hurt your peener. Sharp. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's probably why it's getting everywhere.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. The white claw, pour it out like always. It was great. Top of it. I'll put that in my pocket. I don't want to put her.

Oh, that's nice. So I diss into the guy over there. It's a great episode. I have to say, this one's my favorite. Yeah. So far, I love the goth theme. You know me, I'm a huge fan of Halloween.

01:01:53,280 --> 01:01:54,640 So I'm into the spookiness of this. It's really good, man. I like white claw. All right. So I give it, I give this place, my landscape and company cuts this. So I call it nostalgia. This is great. You can see a CVS over there.

Yeah. Yeah. 01:02:08,320 --> 01:02:08,960 Yeah. What the fuck? He's like, there's a CVS. There we go. This is the piss spots.

Episode five, we're going to stay here in the ground. Wow. The ground's frozen. All right. And that's it. I give it a five out of five piss. Wow. That's what I was going to call hug Jim on camera.

And we're doing that. Great episode. Great episode. Great episode. You know, they added production value now. We've got a cameraman. We've got the flag, the piss spots flag. New additions.

It's getting better and better every episode. Yep. Very exciting. He's growing as an artist. He's evolving and changing. Okay. Well, this is all great. Let's run through these dates real quick.

I will be at Harris Valley Center, California Harris Resort, April 18th. Spanish shows the week after the 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd in Texas. And then I go, oh, 28th, the Wiltern with Burke. Christia, we're doing two bears. One cave live. I go back to the Mirage in Las Vegas to 29th and 30th of May. West Palm in June with a Spanish show on the seventh in Miami

at the improv there. And then back to the Mirage in July, August 15th, the Borgata, and October back to the Mirage. I'm also announcing a bunch of new dates coming up soon. Don't forget my new special. Ballhog premieres March 24th on Netflix. Jean, do you want to go there? I'm so excited for people to see your special.

It's so funny and you did such a great job. Okay. Coming up, I got Dallas, Texas. I have Caroline's Comedy Club, April 3rd and 4th. Good times. Big announcement. April 7th, London at Bush Hall. Tickets are going really, really fast for that.

So if you want to go, go now, buy tickets. Wow, 18 more. Thank you. I forgot we're doing that. April 24th to 25th, Des Moines, Iowa. And then May 1st, I do a show at the Netflix Is a Joke Festival. I have my own show at the St. Regis Theater. So buy tickets May 1st, LA, LA, New Westminster, BC, Phoenix,

Phoenix, Arizona, Stand Up Live. I'll retarget. Cleveland, Ohio at Hilaire. San Antonio, Texas. I approve juice. Take a link at Christina P. Online. Check out where my mom's at and follow me on the grom at the Christina P. All right.

That's it. We'll be back soon. All right. Our next guest thinks that child pornography laws are too loose in this country. You know, I used to have, I said one time, I was in the car, I was like, what if I go again? I just figured this out. Oh my God.

What is this? My new thing. Kitty Porn. Bert, you fat raises child pornographer. You're such a fucking cut. Our next guest wants America to be the way it used to be. He has a new special out. It's called a big boy on Netflix.

Right now it's Bert Kreischer. Guys, remind me to tell you about Kitty porn and then remind me to tell you. Tell us about your current Kitty porn stash. I said to Leanne one time, I was buzzed in the car and I went, oh my God. I think I just figured it out. She goes, what? And I said, why don't, what if they just made Kitty porn legal and that way all these guys that want to fuck kids, they can just have stuff that they can jerk off to

and they don't have to fuck kids and she goes, yeah, except for the kids that are getting fucked in the Kitty porn and I went, yeah, I didn't think that through. Yeah, my bad. Yeah. Because I was on board too. I was like, well, wait a minute. Let's hear the argument. Oh, yeah.

I think we found a good promo for this episode right there. Okay, but, but, but Bert, what if we cast like Andy Milanakis who looks like a kid? Yeah. Oh, those pejoria, those people with pejoria or whatever that disease is that they look. They look, yeah, weird. No, I think they look old. Okay, is there a disease where they look young? I don't know.

I don't think so. How come no one has old, like what's up? Oh, shit. Oh, god. Oh, stop it. Get the fuck out of there, shippers. You were saying you hate Leigh Ann. Yeah, I do.

But what was I wanting to say before that? Oh, I can't believe you hate Leigh Ann. She's my favorite. The inside jokes. My first opening. My first opening 15 minutes are about you and Tom. In what? Oh, my new hour.

Really? Oh, yeah. There's a point where I talk about you where it all I say is imagine Tom Segura and the place goes fucking nuts. And then I go and then I read Leigh Ann right into the story of you tightening that big black cock to Leigh Ann and her not knowing it, just forwarding it to everyone. That is so fucking funny. That kills so hard.

Good. Yeah. It's absolutely beautiful. Yeah, what's that from? That's from you. I don't know. Oh, no. We got a bunch of stuff you said.

Well, I talk about being pregnant and how it sucks being you get depressed after postpartum depression because you're fatter than Bert and then place just goes nuts. Like, all I have to say is just fatter than Bert. And people really love it. People always come up to me and they go, hey, man, you're not as fat as they say. And I was like, yeah, I know. And then I don't get it. And I go, I'm also not racist, OK?

By the way, my bus driver leans into the racist thing. He loves that joke so much. He does? Yeah, but he doesn't do it as a joke. He does it. What makes him laugh is he does it for real. He just says, people will recognize him and he'll just go, you know, he's a fucking racist and walk away.

And I go, Ron, they don't know that you're joking. He goes, yeah, that's what makes me laugh. That's what makes it laugh. He goes, yeah, he does does it all the time. All that he did it at a meet and greet one time and it got uncomfortable because they didn't know he's my bus driver. He's just standing there and he's like, can't believe you guys are waiting in line to shake hands with a fucking racist.

And they're just sitting there like, wait, is he really racist? And I was like, guys, this is a joke. And they're like, it doesn't sound like one. This is awesome. Yeah. It's great. It's really great. This has, by the way, I did an interview today and the guy goes so so in your specials,

you're always like your body's always the joke. I go, I'm the skinniest. I've been in 15 years in this last special and he goes, are you serious? I go, yeah, it's to 20 and he goes, oh, wow. I thought you gained weight. I go is branding is I'm the skinniest I've ever been in this special. Is that right though? Yeah, it's right after our soap.

October is the skinny. I wish we had it pulled right now when Tommy Lee was. Do we have it when Tommy Lee was here? Oh, no, no, no. That was the best. What? When I was like, you know, Bert's getting gastric bypass and they were like, what? And I was like, he's getting guy.

They're like, no, we saw him like a while ago. He didn't seem that fat. And I was like, oh, no, he put on 80 pounds in like a month. And they were like, what? They were like, no. And then all we did was pull up your Instagram and they both at the same time were like, whoa, wait, Bert, Bert, you could gain 80 pounds in one month. What are you eating?

Like, oh, there you are. No, that's so bad. That's yesterday. That looks good. What are you eating? Like walk us through your day. You know what it is? Or what do you want to eat?

Walk us through that. It's I have my lunch. I every time I go, I'm gonna eat healthy. I'm gonna eat healthy. And then I get there and I go, oh, come on, man, you're gonna go work out today. Get a little something you like. Don't kill yourself because if I kill myself, then I'm gonna, the wheels will come off at two in the morning.

Yeah. So like I've been getting a lot of burgers lately. I think they're pretty healthy. What I do is I take the bottom bun off and just I eat like a fucking weirdo. Like when I eat cheeseburgers, I told you this McDonald's cheeseburgers. Yeah, I had four of along with a triple cheeseburger the other day. Oh, at once? McDonald's has a triple cheeseburger now.

They do? It's so good. But you didn't have any fries, did you? I had fries, too. How about a Coke? Milkshake? No, no, no. And so I've been eating a lot of burgers lately.

And then at night, I'll try to eat something healthy. It's weird. I'm not really hungry at night. Like I don't get hungry at night. Like when we get off stage, everyone kind of has already eaten a little bit. Yeah. And I'm not really that hungry. And then I have a few cocktails and then you get hungry.

Then I get hungry. Yeah. And what are you eating at late night? Maybe like pizza. Yeah. What did you order? I don't even need to do this show. Tell us when you, I think you arrived in Boston

and you told me you ordered 12 pizzas and nine bottles of wine. I did not tell you that, but that is true. What? You did tell me that. I did not tell you that. Someone must have told you that. No, you told me. I have a fucking snake in my camp.

No, you told me. I ordered 12 pizzas and nine bottles of wine. Because hold on, the bus wasn't totally stocked. It was like our first stop. Oh, right. And we got there and we were like, And then it lasted you what, a month and a half? The wine was gone by the next night.

I mean, we just tore it. We didn't have any booze on the bus. We all drank wine and we murdered those pizzas. How many people are, is we? Six. So wait, wait. Me, me, yeah. There's two use sounds right.

It's me, Andrew, Parfait, Shane, Dave, Jesus and Ron. So seven people. You have seven people on tour. It's awesome. You like it like that. Fucking awesome. So it takes me through because I don't even recognize half the names.

Okay. So I'm burnt, I'm sure. Andrew is my cousin. Cousin, I met Andrew. He does all my social media. He brings a video with me. He shot the video of us going down the mountain in the cardboard sled this week.

Oh, have fun. I did, yeah. It was fun as shit. And then Parfait is my tour manager. He's like, does all the gets there. Does the sound and check, the lighting. Gives them the load in music. Does the merch.

That's Parfait. We call him Parfait because he was the one that convinced us to go to McDonald's. And we all ordered like shit and he ordered a Parfait. What is a Parfait? Who fucking, who orders a Parfait at McDonald's? Yeah. I don't even know what that is.

Yeah. It's, I think it's like a healthy. Oh, it's their yogurt thing. Oh, fuck that. But there's all sugar in there too. It's not healthy. He's not the brightest guy. And then, and then Dave Williamson,

he is a comic based out of Miami. He lives in, lives in LA, but from Miami and he smokes meat every night. Oh, fine. So we have a smoker we travel with. War Eagle. He's an Auburn guy. Yeah, War Eagle.

Yeah. And so he's got a podcast called Meat Dave. He's going to love that I give him a shout out about there. Yeah. But he, every night, it's really amazing. He'll get either ribs or a brisket and he'll smoke ribs and a brisket. Every night?

Just about every night. 01:13:04,560 --> 01:13:05,040 Wow. Just about every night. I'm going to die. I mean, are you going to die? And then who's next? And then Shane Torres.

Shane Torres is based out of New York. So you have two openers on your show. I have three openers and Jesus. On every show, you have three openers. It's fun that way. How long is the show? An hour 30. So like a 10 minutes apiece, the openers.

Oh, each to 10. Yeah, each to 10. That's that kind of tag team. And it's good because it kind of sucks, especially in our shows, the load in takes forever. I mean, you start the show at seven, but people aren't sitting down until 7.30. And so as opposed to one person taking a bullet,

they each take turns and they each get a good spot. And I think it's fun for me to travel with that many people because you wake up in the morning. Everyone's bullshitting in the morning about the night before. At the end of the night, everyone's in there drinking. I love. Do you do hotels on top or no? We did this last week in DC, but usually not.

Everyone just sleeps on the bus. And it's man, it's like everything I ever dreamed about and stand up is so much fucking fun. And then the great thing is they're all three great comics. So you're workshopping like I had a bit. I had a bit this week that was a little aggressive and they each said not to do it. And then I did it and then they came back and they were like,

guess we were right about that, huh? So yeah, yeah. And so, but they kind of workshop like, especially taking on a new hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really liked it. It's nice to have good comics around you when you're working stuff out

because they give you good ideas, good tags. Yeah. So, hey, big boy was filming Cleveland. Cleveland, seven shows. Seven shows at the, what, where was it? The Agora. The Agora. Wait, you filmed seven shows.

I filmed four. I will film seven the next time. Really? I, it is so much easier. Four shows was perfect. I mean, we did the first show was not that great. First show was not that great. And we're like, great.

Get it on the second show. If not, we got another night of filming. Do the next show. There's a fucking mustard stain on my pants. Oh. It must have a hot dog. And no one's noticed it. Between shows.

Skittiest I ever was. You're like, it was a good first show. Well, and, and your wardrobe needs a minimal. Babe Ruth, I just walked off stage. You know, I talk when you guys think of that. Well, and all you do is wear pants. You don't even have a shirt. I would have a mustard stain.

It was right up my way. Dude, you should have used that fucking tape. I know. The shirtless guy. But it was a great show. So we didn't use any of that show. And then the next two shows were awesome. But, but it was so great.

It was like 50 grand more. Right. To shoot two more shows. But don't you find, because I was considering this too, but then, then you're stressed out for two days straight. Versus just being stressed out. No, no, you're not stressed out at all. Oh, okay.

Well, I get stressed out. Once you get it in the can, you're like, now I get to have fun. 01:15:50,000 --> 01:15:52,480 And so what do you end up using the next? I end up using the last show. Last show. Last show is just perfect.

It was just, everything was perfect. From the beginning joke to like, it just flowed very quickly, which is what I wanted. I didn't want it to feel long. Yeah. How long is the special? Like an hour?

57 minutes, I think. Wow. Yeah. Shit, I got mine. I just saw your trailer today. It looks fucking awesome. Oh, thanks. Thanks.

I got yours here because this is your episode. So here we go. Oh, God damn it. I got excited for a fucking second. All right. Hey, big boy on Netflix right now. Shout out to Brian Monarch. Yeah, that was great.

Fucking Brian Monarch. Where the fucking neo nazis with copyright infringement pulling that shit down? You know, I know you put up one hip hop song and they rip it off the internet a second. The neo nazis need to step up their game and get that taken down. Get it taken down guys.

No, that looked great though. You look great in the outfit. Do you know what's crazy? I had a joke in there that, this is how savage the internet is. I had a joke in there in the trailer, the real trailer where I said, I wanted to have sex with Leigh Ann,

but she was sick. Yeah. She said, oh yeah, this was a great joke. Yeah, she goes, I don't want to get you sick. I was like, we practice safe sex. She's like, you're going to wear a condom? I was like, no, doggie style. So you cough into the wall, right?

The next day it's memed 50 cent post it. It did? Wow, that's great though. No, no, no, no, no, no. He posted, they meme it so that I'm taken out of it. And they do coronavirus, unsaved sex and it's missionary. And then they're like safe sex

and she's coughing in the wall. Oh, they got you. And I was like, mother fucker. Just tag me, bro. Yeah, tag me. Give me some credit 50 cent. And that what pisses me off is we and you have talked about this.

I'm such a fucking fan of his. I know. I'm such a fan of his and I thought he was so funny. And then when I see that, I'm like, he's just got a social media team. What about Leanne? You said you hated her. Oh, yeah.

What's up with that stupid guy? I love Leanne. By the way, she does episodes of where my mom's at and she is fantastic. She does wife of the parties, her podcast. You know, she wanted to do on the St. Patty's Day. I almost toured with the idea, but I was like, I don't want.

I didn't want to. I get really weird about this because we're doing. I don't think I've announced it, but we're doing. I think we're doing Douglas movies, Tiger Belly. And we needed one more. And so she goes, what if we did like a live so over October? And everyone, everyone on my team was like, oh, my God, that'd be fucking amazing.

I was like, no, no, this is kind of my thing. Like I love you and you can show up and hang out. But let's not. I'm really weird about that. Like, you know, not to be a dick, but you're not a professional comic. I don't want you on the stage at the store. I don't mean, I don't want to be a dick, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, she has lost. She's like, well, well, hold on a second, Bert. Yeah. Now get, get, get, get her done. She does not say that. Get her dad. Yeah. That's what she says when she's about to have an orgasm.

Get her done. Get her done. Go on now. Moan back, moan back, moan back. Oh God. Someone's going to skeet, skeet, skeet. She, uh, she's lost like 15 pounds. She looks amazing right now.

She looks phenomenal. Yeah. I, I was about to say, I fucked her last night. I had, we had sex last night and it was, it was entry level. Yeah. Like back from like back. Wow. It was.

Do you feel kind of like, don't, no, stop, stop. But stop, stop. So last night, hold on. This is, this is where I'm losing my shit. Okay. For years, I've said to Leanne, why, she's like, wanted to lose weight. I go, why don't I get you a personal trainer? She's like, no.

I go, why don't you go to spin class with me? She goes, no. I go, why don't you go to boot camp with me? No, I'm not going to boot camp. I'm not going to spin class. I'm doing it my way. I'm doing it my way. All of a sudden her friend Sandy gets a personal trainer and says,

you should come in and she's like, okay, I'm going to try it. She gets a personal trainer and now she is captain exercise. She is king expert on fitness. She knows everything. I have never worked out a day in my life. Last night, we're watching a fish called Wanda and John Cleese takes a shirt off. He was 50 and he's ripped in it for whatever reason. John Cleese was ripped and Leanne goes, wow, I didn't know he was so ripped.

I go, he looks great. And she looks at me. She goes with a little hard work. Maybe you could look like that. And I went, I didn't say anything, right? Because I got to keep my fucking mouth shut about her workout insights that she's gained from this fucking is not the worst when like broads start acting. Okay.

All right, guys. She like, I read a book. Oh, you know, have you ever heard of a, have you ever heard of a medicine ball? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard of one. Up your protein. Up your protein. I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to stop eating bread.

Oh, really? Is that what you're telling me? Show the fuck up. Maybe I should go drink it too. Huh? You think I want it? Oh, you think so? This is my sleep help too.

I have a fucking whoop thing. I've been using whoop. I know more about fucking heart rate variability than you ever know in your fucking life. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm biting my tongue going. She is going through a great moment in her life and I need to be there for it. I want, and she looks great and she's happy, but it's this weird condescending. Like I kind of got it figured out Bert.

And you're a mess and let me tell you what you need to do. Right. She's like, maybe you need to see my trainer. I go, it's not your trainer. Your trainer is great. Your trainer is the fact that I'm, I'm busting my fucking ass. So last time we get in bed and she makes another comment. She's rubbing my belly.

She goes, what is, is that just like, it's just a fat, like when you talk, I go, hey, can we lay off me? Like, and I go, and she goes, what? And giggles. I go, I, and I go, you, when you, John Cleese came up, you said, with a little hard work, you can look like, that's not what I said. I go, that's fucking exactly what you said. I've been chewing that statement over my head the whole time.

I go, listen, I am killing myself on the road. I am out every fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I come home Monday. I leave Wednesday. I'm like, I'm busting my ass. I'm trying to work out. I go to hot spit. I like melted down in bed and she was like, I'm sorry.

And then she got out of bed naked and she goes, you got a minute. Look amazing. Right. It's almost like a totally different person. It's like a totally different person this morning. She came out naked naked. Naked. She hung around naked.

She goes, you got to be honest. Morning. Leanne looks even hotter than night. Leanne. I'm like, what's the word? You think so? Yeah. She is so fucking hot right now.

It's such a trade-off is that you get, you have, you know, she looks amazing, but you got to deal with Jillian Michaels. Right. She's always giving you workout advice or, you know, you got to start doing arms. And I was like, you almost want to trade it in, right? You're like, just put the 20 back on. I got to be honest with you.

01:22:57,040 --> 01:23:01,680 I can't wait till she gets fat again because I loved her fat. Like I love her body either way. Yeah. I mean, it's a little more, I mean, it's fucking awesome. It looks so good. She looks amazing. She looks so good in like in clothes.

She looks great. And what's other, what's the other thing that's blowing away? Send nudes. Share nudes with us. Yeah. Why don't you send us some beaver pics? I tried to take a pic today. You did?

Yeah. Fucking. Can we do this? We'd be like, hey, uh, we just text you. You'd be like, is it cool to just show Tom this, um, a pic I have of you? By the way, I wouldn't be shocked. I'm not even lying. I wouldn't be shocked if she does a tasteful nude photo.

She'd have to this. Oh, she's shot. Because, I mean, bro, she's got like almost got abs now. Oh, wow. And she's like, I'm not even at my goal weight, my goal weight. And what's crazy is that she is working out hard as fuck. Her trainer, Mikkel, is actually legit. Whatever he has done, I mean, they have like spiritual conversations.

I'm so terrified that she's going to fuck him. I need a trainer. I'm so. Yeah. I saw her stretching her out. Yeah. Uh-oh. I wouldn't go for a male trainer.

I agree. If I, I've only ever done ladies. What if he was? He like. Is he hot? Yeah. Is he Latin? He's gorgeous.

No, he's not Latin. He's gorgeous. He's a little darker than Latin. Is he a hot black guy? He's a hot black guy. Oh, no. She's totally going to bang him.

01:24:17,760 --> 01:24:18,320 No mask. Babe. What's that mean? What's that mean? Oh, we were just discussing possible porno scenarios that we would put ourselves in. And like, if let's say Brokebert, you're your broker. Which year?

Like, what's your worst financial year? 06, 05. Oh, yeah, 04. Yeah. OK. When George was born. So you're, you're struggling to pay rent is the scenario. Like, you're like, fuck.

Yeah. And then would you do some type of sex act on camera? And then for what amount of money? So like, I would, I said, you know, I would put on like a luchador mask and masturbate to get like some rent money. Christina was like, yeah, maybe foot stuff. And then she was like, or a gang bang. And I was like, well, here, here, here, here.

And she goes, but I'd wear a mask. Because I didn't know mask was an option. I would do like an entire basketball team gang bang into racial. I want to make money, bitch. The mask doesn't mean it's not you. It's still you. You can't just go.

And there's 11 guys. I can't just go. OK, hold on. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you what you just did. OK. What would my scenario be? Oh, it sucked 20 dudes, dicks, but I'd have a mask on.

No one will know. It's still you. It's still you. But I didn't say sucking dicks. And they're gang bang. What do you think happened? They're different. They just ran you.

Nope. And then you're saying, I'm interested in getting gang banged. But you're pretending that once the mask goes on, it's not connected to you. It's still you. I want someone to break a light bulb in my asshole, but I'm wearing a mask. Bart, answer the question.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not just leaving this. What? I feel like I'm fine. I don't think it's that big of a deal. What do you mean it's not a big deal? It's a fucking deal. It's a big deal.

It's a gang bang with a fucking basketball team. With a basketball team. And I'm paying rent for like three years, bro. No, you're not getting three years rent. The way it's going to be fans only, and I'll set up a membership, and I'll be making bank, bro. Well, let me give you through the rest of this. This slut's doing that.

Then Nadav said he would do submissive, be like spit on and spank, but no scars. Any is like, yeah, I'll just shoot a scene right now. Today, no mask, no nothing. And then come back to work here tomorrow. Like he doesn't care. He'll shoot a scene. He said he'll shoot a scene.

No problem. Josh thinks it'll help him sell tickets, and he is willing to do a scene with a girl. He picks the girl, and then 10 guys can come in at the end and come on his shoulder. I'll tell you what, I would definitely like to see that guy in person. I don't know if I care about his comedy that much,

but I would like to see that human being that chose that scenario. I know, and we're shooting that one. We're going to shoot it. Can I be one of the guys that comes on his shoulder? I want to wear a mask. Then you didn't do it. Oh, no, it's not me.

I love it because I want to get gang bang by the interracial basketball team, but I'm going to be wearing a mask. No one will know, and I never did it. But in 10 years, when I become a famous comedian, nobody will be able to be like, there's Christina when she was a hoe getting banged. Oh, God.

That's why. Wait. Okay, so, okay. Secondly, too, I asked Tom for a dick pic when he was away, and he refused. Would you send Leanna a dick pic? I'll send her one right now. Yeah.

Here, Tom, I'll text you some of my dick pics, and you send them to her. Sure. As yours. Wait, well, let's do this. I would know that it's yours. Let's take a picture of me and Tom's dick, and we'll send you both to a group text to you and Leanna,

and you guys got to pick whose dick is the, who's dick. Of course I know who's dick is dick. Do you think it would take some real sleuths to put this together? Let me see your dick. Okay. Let's go look at each other's dicks in the bathroom. Okay.

And then we'll take pictures. We'll get them to look similar. We'll fluff them up so that they look alike. There's no way. Some of yours is going to be covered in hair like Chewbacca. It's pretty easy. Is your hairy? No, I trim.

Manscape 3.0? Manscape 3.0. Thank you, Manscape, for the 3.0. The fucking LED light they have is so good for mustaches. But what kind of point? You fluff it up nice and good for a photo, though, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You know what's funny? I think I sent you the perfect dick pic one time. Oh, yeah. But that was Photoshop. No, no, no. Oh, no, those were. I heard about that.

I have, I have, I can photoshop a dick pic, like nobody's business. That looked like, like that was serious. You called me immediately and you were like, bro, is that your piece? And I was like, oh my god, that got sent. I'm like, how are you still with Leigh Ann? You got to get a divorce.

Because he was sneaky. Remember the photo was like, like he was in the mirror. Like you were taking a photo of yourself. And you're like, oops. Oopsie. It was an oopsie pic. And Tom was like, is that bird talk?

And you zoomed in. I was like, no. I would post it online, but I'm afraid someone can do some retroactive Photoshop where they go, actually that's what bird's dick really looks like. And they would be like, whoa. Because when you, when you hold that button, when you hold that page, it goes to the original picture

and then you let your finger up, it goes to the old picture. And it would break my heart when I looked at my real dick. Like. Well, yeah, compared to that day, it looked like a pinky compared to a thumb. You know how some people like when, when you see their dick, they go, it gets bigger. You know, like they'll be like, it gets bigger.

Oh yeah. Oh, I say that all the time. Mine, I feel like mine. If you see my dick, I'll go, it gets smaller. Wait, do you have a show or a grower? Oh, a grower. But here's the thing. It grows in both directions.

Like I've seen, like right now my dick is like. Goes back into you also. Sometimes it goes just all the way up inside and it hides. Like every time I do any type of exercise, any time, if I, if I feel unsure in any way, if I have anxiety, I'll be like, where's my dick? And I'll, I'll reach down and I'll be like, I can barely, I have to pull it out of a sheath.

When I was at my fast, which is real close to where I am right now. When I was at my fattest tomorrow. Which is, if I don't watch myself this weekend. When I was at my fattest, I'm not even close. My fattest was 258. How much are you weighing now? 239. With my hands on the wall.

Okay. I don't, I don't, no, I don't weigh myself in like it's a, like it's a fight. I weigh myself in like, like, hey, let's just brace ourselves and then lower us into a weight we like and then we let go. Okay. Um, so when I was at my fattest, my dick was going back into my body. I was re-circumcising myself.

So when I sat, my pubis would push my dick back into a foreskin. Yeah. And it was disgusting. And I rode a bike from LA, from, from Philadelphia to. Yeah. Atlantic city. Atlantic city. And my dick was inside my body the entire time.

Yeah. It was so sad. And I was like, I got to lose weight. I got to lose weight. And then I lost all the weight and then I just gained it back. What the fuck, dude? What is wrong with me? I'm thinking, you know, I'm really thinking, I'm really thinking like,

we were talking about doing, uh, I was thinking about doing shape roll. What's that? Where you're getting good shape for April. Oh. But shape roll. Shape roll. That's a good idea.

I think Shane Torres brought it up. And, but here's the thing. We had to do the combine soon. Oh yeah. I'm ready for that. 40 yard dash. Bench press for reps. Vertical leap.

We'll do shuffle ball change. Shuffle ball change. Did someone just come home back from a tap dance lesson? He did. The, uh, kick ball chain. Isn't it kick ball? No, shuffle ball.

Broad jump. Let's see. Okay. Do the broad jump. Pull up the, pull up the list of things that we do on a, on a, on a combine. I, I listed five of that. We're not going to do all of it. Bench press.

Yeah. Yeah. I said that. Okay. 40 yard dash. Vertical jump. My vertical jump sucks. We'll do the bench press. Yeah. We'll do these one.

We'll do one, two, three vertical jump. We'll do the broad jump. Three cone drill. We can do our shuttle run. Yeah. There's more. There's more than that. But that, we don't want to do fucking 20 things.

We're not going to, we're not going to make a meal out of it. We want to do this. We want to do 40 yard dash. That's like, that's the most exciting. That's, that's bench press for sure. Vertical leap. What do we do at 225? Are we going to lower it to something we can do?

We can do, we can do 185 if you want. What's a three cone drill? Or 135? No. Why? 135 to us is 225 to them. That's true. Yeah.

There's 2135. For reps. Yeah. I got to get into the fucking gym. But I mean, we're going to be, we can't do 135. Did you see my push-ups? I can do 40 push-ups in a row. Really? You're Dr. Oz push-ups?

Yeah. My Dr. Oz push-ups. Let me see. There you go. It's online. You can find them. You just go like this. Like him and Mark. That was so weird.

It was so bizarre if they did those like that. They just went like this. And when you do it like that, it's super easy. Yeah. You're just momentum. I did 15 in a row. It was Dr. Oz and Mark Wahlberg. And they did, that was Larry King. Saying Mark Wahlberg.

Did you, did you not see this? I saw you on Larry King. I didn't know that. Play the other one, Tom. Yeah. Well, soccer souffle. Yeah. Soccer souffle. Chocolate souffle.

He couldn't say it. He goes soccer soccer. How old is he? He's 86. Mark Wahlberg. Oh my God. That makes me want to quit drinking. Oh my God.

Let's see if I can. Shape roll. We were saying what you did. I like shape roll. You ready for this? You're allowed 30 drinks. Right? So you can bang it out in a weekend.

We can't drink all week. Okay. 30 drinks. You're allowed, but you got to go like vegan or something. Or you got to do something crazy. I got to take a shit soon. Again? Yeah.

I mean, I'm not shitting a lot late. We did Haystu's show, sorry. Oh. The Tacos Contotto, we had like 20 talks yesterday from different vendors. So this morning, Tom and I were simultaneously shitting. Like hot dogs, fire. Do you know he's technically not even Mexican?

What? That's not true. His name is Ned Holness. No. You didn't hear that? No, that's great though. He is really Mexican. Like, dude, I tore with Haystu's.

Sometimes, you know, I grew up in white privilege, like pretty regular white privilege. Someone's asking me about it. I got a job. What are you winking at? Mark that for a highlight. I grew up with a white privilege. You did.

Oh, you didn't. You did, but you're not white. No, I did. I'm blonde. Yeah. But I was saying, like I got a job in college at a law firm and they hired me and they didn't have anything for me to do. They just knew my dad.

So I made coffee. So I just made coffee in a law firm. That's it. I sat in the copy room and made coffee all day. And so Haystu's, man, his stories of his life are so fucking fascinating. One time his dad bought him a brand new mountain bike and he was like, great, what am I supposed to do with this?

And his dad's like, ride it. And he goes and get killed. He's like, we live in like where we live. I can't ride around on a new mountain bike. So he just put it away and just stayed on his shitty one. He wouldn't get jumped for his shitty one. Wow. He's had stories of his dad sparking up a machete

in a fight just all ring on the ground. You want some ring? And I'm like, my dad never sparked up a machete. He did. He told me he goes, we're talking about like differences when you grew up with like a Latin parent, you know, his case, both parents. And he said, one time he was talking,

we were talking about on the Spanish podcast, he was talking about washcloths. I went to a house and it was like a white friend's house. And I went to take a shower and I was like, do you have a washcloth? And they were like, what? And he goes, what is that? And I go, well, I always thought that the only people

that use washcloths are just poor people. So they probably weren't poor. And he was like, I guess not. He goes, it was a nice reminder that I'm poor. He said one time, one time he goes, we're at the, we're at eating lunch. And the lady goes, okay, what are you guys going to have? And he goes, I have the fajitas.

And she goes, okay, corner flower. And he goes, oh, I go, hey, can you not do that? And he goes, what? I go to the fucking Spanish accent when you say fajitas. Just say fajitas. Don't go fajitas. Okay, Tampa Highlight, you know? And he goes, why wouldn't I say fajitas?

And I go, well, you're doing it like to, you know, and he goes, no, I'm saying it the way it's pronounced. And he goes, you're actually mispronouncing it when you say fajitas. And I went, oh. That's so true. It's so true. And I was like, I find it kind of sending as a white guy

to go just even try to do an accent. Can I get some tortillas? I agree. It's weird. Did you know that El Torrito means the little bull in Spanish? No, why? Is that what Tommy calls his dick?

Why? What's up? No, but think about it. Like when you say it, we say El Torrito. And then one day we were, I was looking at the El Torrito sign and I was like, dude, that's El Torrito. Doro. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, dude. It's the little bull. But did you ever put that together as a gringo seeing an El Torrito? You think it's like, I don't know what. El Torrito, I never thought of the little bull. See? That's so funny.

There's one right down the street. There you go. Doesn't it upset you? We had this conversation with Haces yesterday. It upsets me that the neighborhood in this city that is literally written as Los Feliz is called Los Feliz. Yeah, I didn't. I didn't ever knew it was Los Feliz.

People say Los Feliz. Bill Burr says Los Feliz. And I go, easy, buddy. You live there. Learn how to pronounce it. And he was like Los Feliz. Los Feliz. Yeah, that's nonsense, though.

That's crazy. Well, then what is it? Should it be called Los Feliz? Los Feliz. Hold on. I'm sorry. Should it be called Los Angeles? Los Angeles.

Yes, Los Angeles. Los Angeles. I mean, that's really, you know, that's better. Los Angeles. I'm going to be the fucking arrogant asshole on the plane going, the pilot's saying it wrong. It's Los Angeles. Los Angeles.

Angeles is better than Feliz. I mean, Feliz has nothing to do with the word. It's not even right. Yeah. That's not the even Anglicized version of that word. And what about Rodeo Drive? It's Rodeo. There's no accent mark.

It's not Rodeo. Hey, ho. Yeah. Rodeo. And it's not Houston Street. It's Houston. Why do they call it Houston? Why do they call it Houston?

South of Houston. It's Houston. Houston. Houston. No, it's not. Here's the other thing. It might be Houston and Texas is all fucked up and they should be calling it Houston, too.

But yeah, what phonetically? It is H-O-U-S-T-O-N. But it's Houston. Why is it? H-O-U-S. S. That's Houston. That's Houston.

That's Houston. Right. Houston. Houston. Why would we listen to fucking Rednecks and then some people say Houston. Houston. Sure.

Or Missouri. No, wait a minute. That's a big one. Wait a minute. But Y-O-U is U, so H-O-U is Houston. So it is Houston. And Houston is wrong. I got a better one.

This kind of blew me away. Washington. What do you call someone who sews clothes? A tailor? No. A seamstress. You should call her a sewer. Yeah.

But it would really sewer. Oh, right. A sewer. I got obsessed with this the other day. She was a seamstress. Yeah. Because they were like, go get the sewer. And it's like, can you not call me that?

Can you not call me a sewer? Yeah. A bowl of shit. Okay, the bowl of shit over there. I'm a seamstress. Why is she gay? Like a gay man. No, it's just my woman's voice.

By the way. Starring alongside Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne in Instant Family, you share the screen with Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, you got it. I got it. Yeah. No him a long time. What was that like?

And he barely got out Instant Family, too. Is that podcast on half speed? Have you ever listened to one of those on accident? You're like, I think Andrew Dice, they had a stroke. A chocolate souffle. A chocolate souffle. Yeah, dude's dead. Isn't that the best?

It takes a while to make. What is this? What color is this jacket there, King of Comedy? It is from the Steve Harvey Collection. Why do you have two stools on your special? I just figured I wanted to up the game a little bit. That's the fucking funniest thing I've ever seen. Seriously?

I saw two stools and I go, if that's his stupid brain of just going, you know, make it bigger, two stools. Wait, did you have two stools next to each other? Or you're in between? No, between two stools. Yeah. Wait, why did you do that? Every show we had two stools.

Why would you do that? Just to put more stuff on them. But then, wait a minute. Doesn't that lock you in so you can't walk freely? No, you can walk around. You walk in front of it. That's sometimes I would walk between them and do like figure eight.

You should have called your special one might two stools. That probably would have been a bitter. It's called ball hog. So yeah. Can I watch soccer souffle again? Oh yeah, yeah, sorry. You gotta have, you gotta see. I feel bad making pleasure.

Chocolate souffle. Soccer souffle. Chocolate souffle. A chocolate souffle. Yeah, isn't that the best? It takes. I mean soccer souffle. Soccer souffle.

Look how dark his hair is. Soccer souffle. This makes me want to, this makes me want to quit drinking. You know he probably used a big boozer, right? No, he's alive and he's old. I don't know. We got to, I go through the list of

who are the big boozers that are left? Right. Not many. Not a lot of them. Not a lot of them. I wonder if I could. What's the lesson Bert? Well, I'm not going to stop.

I was going to start smoking weed and I started and then this fucking coronavirus showed up. Yeah. And they said the number one thing you can do to prevent yourself from getting super sick is not be smoking. They said people smoking have their filias are all messed up inside their lungs

and they are the ones, whatever. So you need to start smoking? Start smoking. So I had to quit dude. It was tough. Hi, I'm Peyton Lafferty and I'm a ball hog. That's where I got the title from. For real?

Yeah. Do you like it? I love it. Hi, I'm Seara Sin and I'm a ball hog. I've never detected her vocal fry before. I'm a ball hog. I'm a ball hog. Are you going to call your side queen?

Oh, I like that. I need titles. Are you shooting a special? I can't say anything at the moment. Okay. Have you considered getting a vasectomy? I have. And let's do it.

I say you guys do it on two bears, one cave. Great idea, Christina. Can you do it? I'll get one. You get one. I'll get one if you get one. Please. I don't want to come on something together first.

What do you want to do? Oh, no. We should come on something. American flag. Hey, my name is Bert. This is Tom Segura. We're about to get a vasectomy, but first we're coming on the Bible. What about one of those triple cheeseburgers?

And then, you know, I mean, back to your, we can take back to your frat days and whoever comes last has to eat it. Kind of thing. Donuts. Hey, Bert, why aren't you even jerking off? I'm kind of hungry. Why don't you glaze donuts?

Oh, yeah. You can get a dozen donuts. A well-known one. We could do that. Yeah. Is that well-known? Wait. I don't know.

Do you gla- Is that, is that a genre of like glazing donuts? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely, definitely. Do you use lube most of the time when you drink off? No, I don't have any on the bus. I've been using a lot of natural lube. Do you spit on your dick?

No, no, sweat. I work out real hard. Yeah. You jerk off on the bus with everyone else there? Yeah, yeah, in the back. I don't jerk off in the- What do you mean, of course? You think that people, someone could walk in on you?

Yeah, but me and Ron, or me and Ron, my bus driver, are big fans of Christie Mack, the porn star. Yeah. And we were sitting there and she's got this fans-only site. And we were like- Only fans. Only fans, yeah. And we were like, we were like, what do you get for that?

And he was like, it's nine bucks. Just get it. And I was like, and now he called, he goes, get it, big boy. And I was like, okay, so I got it. And- You're like, he made me do it. And we were in a restaurant and the second we got in,

it was made everyone very uncomfortable. Because Ron and I was just looking at porn. And it's pretty great, man. I would sign up over another month. I'd do more chicks. I like that fan-only. The way they do it, only fans or whatever. The way they do it is you buy-

It's the way that you do Starbucks app. You buy like $9 worth of credits on the app. And then they say, would you like to use a month? It's nine bucks. So you're not signing up and it gets repeated every month, every month, every month. You've got to buy your credits.

Your credits. Yeah, it really makes me feel safe. But Bert, don't you know that- I mean, you can get porn over free. I know, but you can't get the girls that are- The high-end girls have all scrubbed their shit off the internet. I don't care about the low-end girls. I like the high-end girls.

They're almost like- They're pros. They know what they're doing. Sure. You know? Yeah, I got you. I got you. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. That mayonnaise thing. Wait, back to your vasectomy tandem. I think you guys really should look into this. Can Dr. Drew refer you to someone? Have Dr. Drew do it in here? That would be great.

With a coat hanger. Just go in the piping on the front side. I was scheduled to do vasectomy. I've talked about this before to you guys. Do it. I was scheduled to do vasectomy. Right? So I wake up.

This is one of the roughest days of my life. I wake up in the morning and I go out to the treadmill to work out. They're demoing our house. Right? Our house is in full demo. And I get on the phone with Tom. We were supposed to do that funnier diet tour. Do you remember this?

Man. Yep. Did that get canceled? So I'm on the phone with you and I had canceled all my dates. I was going to do 12 shows. I was on all 12 shows with you and you were like, I said something about getting flights. And you're like, you're buying your own flights? And I said, yeah.

And you said, I think they're covering flights. I said, not for me. And you went, oh. And you were like, wait, how much are you getting paid? And I told you and you were like, oh, okay. I go, wait, what are you getting paid? And you go, okay, you got to promise this isn't going to fuck up our friendship. And you told me and I was like, holy shit.

And then later that day you called me and you go, hey man, you should also check in. I think they're canceling a bunch of dates. And I went, okay. So then they end up, I find out, A, I'm not getting paid any money. B, I'm fucking, they canceled all the dates that I'm on. I go on a walk to kind of like get my head straight and go, that's okay. That's okay.

We'll figure things out. Travel channel calls and fires me. And Leanne has scheduled a vasectomy for me. And I was like, the one thing I'm keeping is my comp. Like I'm not, I got, I lost everything today. Like the house is down. I got so sick that night because all the dust from the demolition. I got so sick that night.

It was like the rough. I remember, by the way, going to, I did a few of those dates. Yeah. And I always like end up talking, you know, talking to those organizers and accounting people. And I was like, tell me what everyone makes. And like at first they were like, nah. And then on the last day they were like, all right, come here.

And they just showed me the pay scale. And I was like, that person gets eight times whatever we're making. They're like, yeah. And it wasn't even like a huge name. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way more. That is so, that's so, I wish they had to make that public.

So you knew what everyone was making because I, because it, I wonder like, I want to talk to you off, off, off air, but like some venues, you can make so much more money than other venues. Yeah. Like it'll be like, it'll be like 3000 people and you make X amount. And then it's like 1200, 1800 people and you make more than that. And you're like, wait, that makes no fucking sense. I wonder if it's just like union rules and stuff.

Expenses. Yeah. The expenses are a huge thing. It changes the whole game. But yeah, only fans, by the way, is stellar. If you, if you want to like. Now, if you're interested in seeing my only fans, you can certainly sign up. I would appreciate that because that's where all the really good stuff is.

I would sign up for her. I don't post on Twitter. Yep. Really? I'd sign up. Oh yeah. And I'm still looking for volunteers, but please, you need to be in New Orleans. I don't want guys flying in from all kinds of places

just to come fuck this old lady. That that's not appropriate. I don't think. The shit teeth. Yeah. I'm going to New Orleans tomorrow. Oh my God. Yeah.

Who are you bringing with you? Jesus and Shane. 01:49:22,560 --> 01:49:24,000 No, Jesus and Dave. Shane shooting a Netflix special or a Netflix series. Will Dave do it? Dave, when he's married, Jesus will. Jesus is single and he's in the big bitches.

Oh yeah, that's right. He loves. At Terry Town, Gal, if you're looking to get to maybe send her a message, Bert. Yeah. Yeah, let's hit her up. You know. And so if you're in New Orleans and if you are over the age of 35, then I would love to have you come over and we'll do our thing and we'll record it. Yeah, but you know, you have to be okay being on camera.

Now, if you need to have a pillowcase or something over your head, it's okay with me. Hey, go push. Yeah. That's my thing. This bitch took my thing. Who the fuck? In a special shout out. Who the fuck is going to wear?

I will. I swear to God, I will pay $9.99 a month to watch people fuck her like like leather face from. Oh, whoa. Is that what is that? Um, wait, that's what she puts on Twitter. What was that? Yeah. What was that?

Go back to that. Who's that? Is that her? Oh my God. That's not. That's not her. See, this is what's wrong with me. That's awesome.

And that's the kind of scene work you could do for, um, no one will know. Do you want to do that? That's true. Nobody will know that. Nobody will know that's you. Me? Sure. I might put a pillowcase over my head.

No, but I mean, let's say you shoot a video like that today. Bert. Yeah. Who would be able to tell that it's you? Like that? I would. I'll tell you what I would like. I would like someone to, uh...

That's awesome. That's awesome. No one knows that's you either. Is that the old lady? No. No way. I bet, I bet if I did a video of just me jerking off and you couldn't see, you couldn't see my face, I bet you'd still know it's me.

No one knows who that is. Yeah, we do. It's Michelle. I know, but that's not that much information. I could do that one. You could? Well, I mean, that's just jiggling her butt around and... Spreading the cheeks.

Spreading the... Yeah. There you go. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. That's her stomach, I see. Is that her balls? Yeah.

Yeah, that's what she... She can't even reach her postage in some fat. She looks like me trying to wipe my ass. Come on, finger. One more inch, one more inch. Thank you. I'm good. I'm good.

Okay, she's looking... Yeah, go back up again. She looks cool. I like her. These are going to be ridiculous. Oh my. Oh my. Big test.

Can we give her a plug? No. What's her name? That's not... Good morning, Be... Oh, Sarah Tiana? No. Sarah Nicole One, S-A-R-E, Nicole One.

Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, if you're a chiropractor, she's going to need your help. Those are the biggest tits I've ever seen in my life. And those look like big naturals. Yeah, they look natural. That can't be natural.

Is that real? No, no, that can't be. That is natch. Because her nip nips look... No, it looks real. How was your rebound after having kids? I'm still working on the second one, dude. Oh, you still breastfeeding?

No. I mean, I'm at rebound of my tits. Like, because Leanne's got bigger and stayed there. No, mine are hangier and they spread more. Really? Do you know what I mean? Like, they were always big. They're just lower now.

There's a picture of you that I saw online that I can't re-find of you in a shower. Is that real? That's not me. Is that real? That is not me, Bert. Someone put my face on it. It's not me.

They were like, here's Christina from Road Rules Days. And I was like... Oh, yeah, that's her. I saw that and I was like, holy shit. That is you. That is you. What are you talking about? From Road Rules...

Yes, there's a shot in Road Rules. You're not... It's not like a born shower. You're not naked. You're just in the shower. You're getting into a shower. Yeah, I remember that shot. They didn't shoot you in the bathroom.

Nobody could have gotten that shot of me in the 90s. No, they didn't have... Sure, sure, sure. And I bet you didn't have a dog either. No, I mean it. They didn't get shots of you in the shower back then. There's no way. Hey, by the way, I forgot to say congratulations

on the Apollo Loco sponsorship. Thanks, man. They have primary colors too, so we may have to pay Darcet again. Yellow and red. Darcet. Well, we did it for McDonald's. When they sponsored us, we had to paint...

We did yellow and red. Oh, okay. And then we switched to Morton's, and then they pulled out and sucked. You guys have been kind of dicked around a little bit by these brands. Yeah, yeah. I think we might even have to go vegan or something

to get somebody to... Shaprol? Maybe. How long do you think you could go vegan for? I could do 48 hours easy. Oh, I could do 48 hours. Simple on my hands. Okay, let's do this.

Let's go. Let's find a bet here. Okay. Okay. How long do you think you could go vegetarian? Could you go one month plant-based? Easy peasy. I don't think it's easy peasy.

Easy fucking peasy. Okay, pescatarian. Oh. Come on, easy. That's easy. Easy a month. Easy a month. Wait, that means fish and vegetables, correct?

Oh, I thought it was just... Tell me pescatellies. Wait, but that just means like your sources... Why doesn't she call her fans pescatarians? What's up, pescatarians? She... Yeah, she absolutely should, actually. I could easily do the pescatarian.

I could do pescatarian. Okay, let's make it hard. Okay. Pescatarian... How long... Let's... How... Okay.

Vegan's so hard, though. Vegan's just stupid. I mean, it just has nothing to do with diet. It just has to do with morals. 01:54:45,280 --> 01:54:47,200 It's the only reason... You don't do it for health. You do it because you love animals.

Yeah. Some people do it, I think, for health. No, no one does it. Oh, okay. No one does it for health. You take a sermon. No, no, no, no, you've heard it here. No one does it for health.

It's not done for health. And you were saying... And if you're doing it for health, you're doing it wrong. Now, take this back to... You were saying that... I want to outrage people. Go ahead. That kidney porn should be legal because then no one would...

What was the rest of it? Well, that veganism leads to being a child pornographer. I think is what he said. Vegans are child pornographers. You heard it here first. No, I could go... I did vegan for like... I did vegan for like five days and it was fun.

It was really fun because you got to... You were like, what about... It made eating interesting. You're like, what am I going to eat? You're like, I wonder if I could go to a vegan restaurant and you were trying a bunch of stuff. But it's not done for health because vegetarianism, I think, is done for health.

But veganism is just done to... Because you love animals, you don't want to hurt animals. It's more like a PETA thing. That's what I learned in being a... I was vegan for 90 minutes and I ate pasta. And the guy was like, you know there's egg and pasta. And I was like, I can't eat eggs either.

And the guy was like, I thought you said you were fucking vegan when we're on a plane. And I was like, I've only been a vegan for 90 minutes. I could do vegetarian. For how long? I don't know, let's put something on it. Okay, let's do a wager. Okay, starting right now.

Starting right now? Let's do it. Wait, hold on, hold on. Why am I talking like this? This is wrong with me. Yeah, let's start. Let's start... When's your special?

Oh yeah, let's start the week of your special. Okay. The 17th? The same 17th. That morning, let's start. We have a vegetarian and alcohol-free... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, my special here is on St. Paddy's Day.

I'm not going alcohol-free. Why not? Oh, that's right. It's St. Patrick's Day. But that's okay. This is more important than celebrating a make-believe holiday. Anyway, it's not a real one. You know what's gonna happen is we're all gonna get

holed up in quarantine in our houses because of the coronavirus. Stop, stop. And then we're gonna... I'm gonna be the fucking one vegan vegetarian inside my house. Are you guys worried about the coronavirus? No. Not really. Not right now.

I've been looking people's fingers. How much to... How much to sit at the New York subway and let everyone, as they swipe their card, stick their finger in your mouth. No, no, put a number for one hour. $250 million. I would do it. Get this money together.

I would sit for one hour and everyone that walked by put their finger in my mouth. I would do it for five million dollars. Five million dollars? Five. You want to get five for that. Be real. Okay.

Be realistic. Put a number down. Half a mil. $500,000 is fair because you're gonna get sick. You're gonna get sick. Three. It's a weird gun. Here's the thing.

You have a blindfold. You're not gonna... Yeah. No, you can wear a mask. You're wearing a mask. I know. With how they put their... The finger in the mouth.

Here's the deal, man. You're gonna get like E. coli. You're gonna get people who don't wipe... They wipe their hands. They don't wash their hands. You're gonna get like... Peeky. We can't stop a couple of the guys from using their dicks

instead of fingers. So you're gonna have a couple dicks in your mouth. Ultimately, you know, like 30 minutes in, someone's at the top of the stairs going, yo, there's some dude with his mouth open. Fucking put your finger in dog shit. Of course. Then you get your $500 at the end of it

and you made your money. Yeah, it seems like a good bet. Yeah. I love outrageous bets like that. You don't want to do the vegetarian bet? I could do vegetarian. How long do you think you could do it for? Just vegetarian?

I could do it for a month. Oh, boy. But starting on St. Patrick's Day? Starting on St. Patrick's Day. You don't think that... After drinking, you'll want to eat something, like kind of sop it up? What do I get?

What do you mean? I'll do it one month. One month? Yep. What should our bet be? I don't know. Vegetarian. I know. You both get a vasectomy.

That's the... That's the fun part. Vegetarian, then you both win. You both get a vasectomy. It's not a bet. It's not a bet. If I could do vegetarian for one month, starting March 17th, the day of my special...

Hey, big boy. That'd be ironic. I'll be so skinny. They'll be like, why are they calling me big boy? And then... I got it. I got it. Okay.

We are both going to get our dandy suits made. Right? We're going to be dressed like dandies. So whoever... The first person that taps out has to pay for both dandies. He has to pay for both dandies. I fucking love it. Yep.

So you're going to try to go vegan and vegetarian too? I'll go vegetarian with you. And if I quit before you, I pay for the dandy suits. And if I quit... And if you do, you pay for the dandy suits. Okay. And so how are we just going to be on our words and whether or not we... So far, we've always been honest about it.

I've always been honest. So I mean, we've been honest about it. So we're October and all. Yeah. Let's just want to do that. Yeah. Now, hold on. So let's be clear what vegetarian...

That includes cheese. So if you're... That's vegan. Pull out vegetarian. Well, vegetarianism. Hold on. Let's just make sure we're clear on the parameters. Vegetarians, what can we eat?

Well, there we go. Everything in that period. A diverse mix of fruits, vegetables, grains, healthy fats, and proteins. The proteins must be provided by protein rich plants like nuts, seeds, words I can't pronounce. Like, tofu and... Satan. Yeah.

Open up the beginner's guide right there. Yeah. Let's see what it looks like. Let's see what it breakfast looks like. That looks like a fucking explosion in the toilet. Okay. Oh, what's a lacto vegetarian? Eliminates meat, fish, and poultry, but allows eggs and dairy products.

Ooh. Ovo allows eggs, pescatarian diet. I really like allowing eggs. I love eggs. Can we? Wait, eggs are vegetarian. Yeah. But are they?

Yeah. Yeah, because it's not, we're not doing vegan. It's not meat. Okay. Okay. 02:00:44,240 --> 02:00:44,720 Okay. So you can do eggs.

Can you do dairy? I can do this easiest. Lacto vegetarian includes dairy. So yeah, you can have cheese. Okay. And how do you get protein? Scroll down, scroll down. Well, that's, eggs are a good source.

I'll be eating scrambled eggs for every meal. Wait, you can eat fish, right? Obviously, if you're a vegetarian or not. Don't eat, no, most of them don't eat that. Okay. So then let's make it clear. So we're not going to have fish. Is that what we're going to agree on?

Dairy's fine. Eggs are fine. We're doing that. What? Right? Eggs and, eggs and dairy. Yeah. Okay.

No fish or fish? Does it scroll down? Does it have it? No, no fish. No fish. No fish. Does it have like their, you know, example menu on that, on this page? It's just like, okay.

By the way, everything it, everything it helps. Yeah. Is everything I need. Okay. May help with weight loss. May help with heart disease. May help with blood sugar. There you go.

Grinding your teeth at night. All right. So here's what we can eat. By the way, you guys know that you started a fucking shit show with this tea stuff. I'm going to Florida to get my, all my teeth fixed now. No. Yes.

Fucking Leanne. I think you planted the seed and what has happened is I was forced to be honest with what's going on with my teeth and I'm grinding my teeth in the back and they're, and I'm getting severe problems. And Leanne noticed that I was only chewing on one side of my mouth and she was like, what's going on with the teeth? And I was like, no, I got real upset.

She goes, all right. When you go to Tampa, I got to go to Tampa for the tour. She goes, I'm going to send you in a day early. Go to your dentist that did my teeth originally. She's like, you're going in and he's going to, all the problems he's going to take care of. Good. Are you going to do veneers?

I'm going to, I'm going to talk to him and see if he might, he might want to just change out some veneers. All right. I don't know. But now I'm like, I'm, we've been avoiding the dentist so bad. How, what was the last time you went to a dentist? Maybe 10 years ago.

Whoa. Yeah. Bro. You don't go get regular cleanings. And bro, you got to go for your health. I can't go, I can't get a regular cleaning from some dentist because they're not sometimes familiar with what's going on in my mouth and they will fuck shit up.

Like one time this woman just ripped the front of a, of a veneer off and I went, seriously. And then the guy goes, we need to do, we need to redo the whole mouth. And I was like, no. I was like, no, we're not redoing the whole mouth. I go just glue it back on and he goes, it won't stay. It's been on for eight years.

Yeah. So, but it's black. It's black as fuck. Really? Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's time.

All right. Well, I'm proud of you. Yeah, thanks. Thanks. I'm super excited. I'm super excited. I really can't wait. I'm like super pumped to leave a day early

and go down the Tampa and get my fucking mouth. So excited. Let's go to look good though. I grind my teeth. I found out that this pain in my neck and my shoulder. Show me. It's from grinding my teeth. If I, if I showed you, no, I will never show you.

Wait, what? If you saw it, you would go. If I saw what though? My back molars. Show me. No, they're dark. They're dark. No, they're all cracked and just because I grind so bad.

Let me see. I didn't think that was going, what was going on. I just thought. Are you in pain all the time? I'm in constant pain on the left side of my mouth. Yeah. And you're like kind of waited out. Imagine how it'll get better.

The kind of dedication it takes to gain weight with mouth pain to bite into a pizza and then have to shuffle over the right side of your mouth because it, it causes the biggest migraine when it touches these back teeth. Oh my God, dude. Oh, I'm actually glad we brought it up. I'm really excited.

I'm really excited. Dude, it's going to make you actually feel better. No, no, it was that, the push was at Leanne's lady lunch and just going, let me look at those chompers. Leanne, look at these. These need to be fixed. And then Leanne was like, yeah, but why haven't you fixed your teeth?

You have money. I'm like, just fucking shut up. I go, shut up. I'm fine. I'm an old man. And then Leanne caught me one time. I said to her, we were in the car and I said, I would, I wonder if I can just outlast them.

She goes, what do you mean? I go like, I'll just die before I have to deal with them. And she goes, she goes, honey, that's no way to live your life. Like, oh, I wonder if I'll just die first. Let's go back to that page. We're going vegetarian. I want to see what the examples are on the menu there.

Okay. Can you eat like this? Apples, bananas, berries, oranges, melons. Oh, I can't wait to, I can't wait to go out to eat with me. Yeah, sir. What will you have? Do you have any buckwheat? Maybe a handful of cashews or some chia seeds.

Can you toss that with some coconut oil? Okay, but pay attention to the protein, you guys. Tempe, Tempe, Arizona, tofu, satin, nato. Nat, nutritional yeast. Oh my God. Great. Hey, push, go for a jog and then talk and go down on you. Isn't that what nutritional yeast is?

Eggs and dairy products. So it doesn't list fish. Are we doing this? Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. I'll start today. I have chicken out there.

I'm going to eat the chicken. Okay. I should probably start protein loading. Yeah, so we're starting. We're going to start doing this March 17th and as long as you can go. Yeah. Loser pays for the dandy suits. Loser pays for the dandy.

Dandying is our new hobby. I saw something about. Oh yeah, yeah, we're dandies. We're dandies. Somebody pointed out to me that Burt was really excited about being a dandy. Yeah. And then the very next podcast we did, he goes, I can't wear a suit. I hate ties.

I don't like feeling restricted. I don't like that's the whole outfit. Wait, what does it mean to be a dandy? Like dressing like this. Just to be fancy. No, we're going to get our beers. I have my beer groomed by the guy from Deezus and Miro. The guy who does their beers, a black barber.

And it's, I fucking am obsessed with it. You're going to go see him again? No, he just showed me how to do it. Oh, I like that dandy look. Yeah, we're going to. Looks great. Hey, do you and Leanne want to get dandy female suits and we'll go on a date one night? Is there such a thing?

Yeah, let's look up female dandies. I'll do it. I think they're called dundies. Dundies? Can a woman be a dandy? I don't know. Let's see. Yeah.

All right. Oh, these are lame. Oh, you have to dress like Annie Hall. Oh, I love you. You just dress like you're non-binary, basically. Oh, yeah. You guys just dress like dandy, dandy boys. Yeah.

The dandy lady. There you go. Look at that fucking outfit. That's kind of cool. That's really cool. I would do that. Oh, Leanne will look hot in one of those now that she's skinny. You talk about her like she was like 350.

She, by the way, I always thought she was sexy when she was overweight, obese. But like, let's get her on the phone. Yeah, let's get her on the phone. She was not obese. She was obese. When was Leanne obese? Last week. She just got this new body and she's flaunting it.

I love it. It's good for her. Like she was doing sexier stuff in bed because she was skinny. Hello. Hey, what's up? Not much. Not much. What's your deal?

I just finished my podcast not long ago. I'm talking to, I'm still doing in your mom's house and we're talking about your weight loss and how annoying it is, or how great you look. Oh, shut up. Hey, Leanne, how much did you weigh at your heaviest? 139. Uh, Bert said that you were, you were absolutely obese before and we do not agree with him. I don't think so, yeah.

I think he was talking about himself. Oh, you know what I said the other day, Tom? You know what I said? I go, this is, I said, I feel fat and Leanne just goes, you should. I did not say that. You're bullshit. Hey, what were the exact words you said about when we looked at John Cleese last night? What were your exact words that you think you said?

You could have like that. If that's all I said, you didn't, you did not, you said with a little work. No, I just, I think I just said you could look like that. He's really, if you, if you work at it, Leanne, he said, if you work at it, if you work at it, if you work at it. Yes, I told you, Leanne, Leanne, he says that you saying that I said, if you, with some really hard work, that's not what I said. I said, if you work at it, if you work at it.

That makes sense. I mean, she's not wrong, Bert. How good do you feel, Leanne, on a scale of one to 10? I feel really good. I feel like a 10, even though I'm not a 10 yet. He says you're unbearable to be around right now. Who's unbearable? I am the best.

He said that you're a lot to handle with your new bod. Well, because she looks great. She looks great. They're just, they're haters, Leanne. You look great. She came walking in and said. I can't handle it. They can't handle your hotness right now.

I'll tell you what I have not done is I have not shit on the kind of, on your trainer who, who is kind of a little bit of a spiritual shaman. Correct? Oh, he's amazing. Yep. He's a great trainer. I love him.

Yep. And then I know that she's working out a lot. What's that? There's no jealousy going on at all. No, none. How's the diet? Are you eating like really clean right now? Yeah, I'm eating lean protein and dark green vegetables.

And almonds and strawberries and apples and protein shake. Why can't we get the B-man on the same diet? You tell me, buddy. You tell me. She's all over me. Wow. Good for you, Leanne. Put the hammer down.

I'll go over you. Good girl. She, you know what? I feel like you're trying to change me. You want my teeth to get fixed? You want me to lose weight? Yeah. Oh my God.

Why aren't you in love with old fat yuck mouth? If you would stop complaining about yourself, then I would not suggest those things. But if someone comes in and goes, oh my God, my teeth, my teeth, my teeth, then obviously your wife says, why don't you get it fixed? Yep.

Stop fucking complaining about it. There you go. Look at every other block. This is the new Leanne. You like this? Yeah, yeah. Let's take charge of your life. You can do it too.

It's called shut up and dance. Come on. Whoa. Someone has been just. Love it. Yeah, this is new Leanne. Love it, Leanne. Get shit done.

Good girl. Get it, girl. Not new Leanne. I've always been this way. I was just this way and a little heavy. She was. Yeah, there we go. When you were just shutting up.

I was just shutting up. Right. And now you shut up and dance and everyone's about to catch up with you because. That's right. That's right. Yeah. Hey.

Because you're the vessel. Hey, you either hop on board or you get left behind. Come on. This is all, you know, this is all new trainer talk. Yeah, this is trainer talk. This is trainer talk. Sounds like trainer talk.

Trainor's in her head. Trainor's in her head. Yeah. Yeah. Give us some trainer talk, Leanne. Give us some trainer talk. Tell me about your belly button. I don't know.

Oh, you want to know about the belly button? What does this mean? What? Yeah. What's the belly button? No, that's private. I'm not telling about my belly button. Okay.

I'm not there so that I can accurately represent myself. I don't know how I'm being represented because I can't see what anybody's doing. No, I just said in your list. No, we're just listening. He just brought up the belly button. We have no idea what it means. Oh, oh.

No, it's Joey Diaz calling. Yeah, he just called me. Oh, okay. No. All right. I love you, baby. All right. I'll see you later.

Love you too. Bye, Leanne. Bye-bye. Bye, Leanne. Love you. It's all trainer talk. Like, the trainer's like fucking... I need one too.

I need one too. I'm going to get one too. It's coaching. Is he like this? Hey, Leanne, check this shit out, right? Oh, my goodness. That? No, I don't think so.

I've never met him. I've never met him. Tom, can I get a sexy black trainer too? Why don't you get this one? This guy does fucking... I mean, Leanne is someone who said, quote, unquote, this is where I don't... Stretch your ass out.

I don't sweat. She goes, I don't sweat. I've never sweat. I'm not going to sweat. She pours sweat. She's dripping sweat when she comes home. Well, yeah, when you get fucked like that, you... And so he has gotten her to be different

in the way she ever worked out. She is 100% different. I think when you need a trainer, when you get a trainer, you need someone to change the way you look at everything. And I think this guy is really killing it. I am hesitant. Leanne wants me to go train with him.

And I'm hesitant because I can be a little bullheaded. And I'm like, eh. You're like, eh, we're supposed to be segregated. I'm not going to go and take orders. But you need someone that's right for you. You need a guy that gets your... What if he does work for you, though? Wait, what's the part?

Like, what if you love it? Because what if I don't... And then I stop and then Leanne goes, why aren't you working out with him? And I go, I don't like it. Yeah, but that's... I don't want to fuck up what's working for her. No, what I'm saying is that I think

that's the wrong way to look at it. Because it is totally acceptable for anyone to try a trainer and be like, what for me? And there's nothing unusual about that. But it's almost... Imagine if she... I'm trying to think of the right way. Imagine if you're a Scientologist

and it works for you and it'll work for everybody. And then you bring someone in and they're like, I think it's kind of horseshit. And they're like, well, you know what? Fuck you, it works for me. But you haven't even tried it yet. Yeah, you haven't tried it yet. So you can try it.

Can't say that yet. We know it would be better as if you tried it and you go, not for me. And then the next day, you have a super hot, black, female trainer. Yeah. And you're like, this is more my speed. Can I tell you if I had a beautiful hot trainer

that I talked about at all? Oh, yeah. Death. By the way, this guy's gorgeous and he's changing her and he's fixing her. And he's making her better. And he's yo... I need one of these.

Tom, get me one of these guys. Fucking, he's awesome. I want this. And she keeps talking about how great he is. And he's this and he's that. He listens and he figures her out. And they talk about what's wrong with her. And she's crying.

She's crying at like fucking... He asked how my day was. Yeah, and I'm like... She hears me. In my head, I'm like... That's what I need to. I'm like, if I did this with a hot... If I was like...

Oh, forget it. Hannah Drake. Let me tell you about Hannah. Like, Leanne would be like... Forget it. What the fuck? Yeah. Like, but...

You're like, but she gets me. But what's crazy is like I don't... I don't think Leanne would ever cheat on me. But I... But I go... But there is that thing in my head. I've been cheated on before. And you go, oh, this is what it looks like

when you're about to get cheated on. Wow. Definitely looks like... You know, my English professor is cool as shit. And you're like, oh, cool. What are the odds that English professors are going to fuck this? You know?

Yeah. Then... I have to say, Bert. I wouldn't trust a male trainer. I would only go to a lady. I've only ever... I had a Pilates instructor who was a lady. And, you know...

Because I would be afraid of that. Like, what if, you know... Because you do form a bond with that person. They're your coach. Yeah. And they stretch you and they're spreading your legs and like pushing your knee down. They usually finger the girl.

She came home one time. She goes, I said, you were late. She goes, oh, yeah. He had to put a patch on my back. My back was hurting. And I went, okay. And so she goes to get in the shower and the patch is way down.

And I'm like, hold on. Do you have to take your pants off? She's like, not all the way off, but I had to... Yeah, I had to take... To lower my pants a little bit. And Leanne's got the best butt in the world. And she's like... And I'm like, fucking seriously.

You can't just show that to everybody. And she's like, he's a professional. It's what he does. Just looking at my butt crack. Ain't nothing but a butt crack. But hold on. How old is he? I don't know.

Because if it's in his 20s, like... No, he's not in his 20s. I think he's in his 40s. I mean, it's fine, right? They're cool. They run into each other on the street. At Starbucks or something. Oh, you go here too?

I don't know. Has she taken any book recommendations from him? Oh, shit. You're just home. She's like, by any means necessary. You know, Malcolm X had some interesting thoughts. I don't even know what he looks like. I've never seen him, but they all say he's gorgeous.

You don't even know what he looks like. Yeah, what the fuck? Wait, isn't that photo you posted of him? Bro. Bro. The stretching photo. Oh, yeah, that's him. You can't see his face.

Bro, what's his Instagram? What's his name? Let's look him up on the grumb right now. No, I don't want to fucking blow this. Don't say it out. These guys, people listen to this podcast are horrible. No, I'm saying look at it privately and pass it on. Keep piling in front of my bus.

Okay, just you know his name. Look it up on the grumb and don't say it out loud and show us the picture. Let's look at it. And the next time you comment on Garth Brooks' photos, it'll be like, are you fucking Lian? Have you seen his comments lately, Garth Brooks? I feel so bad for that comment.

Oh my God, his comments make me laugh so fucking hard. Like, I'll forget about it for a month. And then he'll just, I'll just click on that. Yeah, like right here. And it's like, Saka Soufflé. Fesmokers looking down at you, following Pro-Go. There's a baby at you in the street. I'm having chest pains.

Do you like your life, Garth? Hi, it's Charles. It's nothing but us. Nothing. There's not one. I wonder if he goes, I wonder if he goes, you know what? It's a new fan base. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah. Hey guys, speaking of which, when you leave comments on this new special, let's keep them PG because what happened on the last special is you guys all just called me the best racist in the world. And then new fans would fight with you and go, guys, it's a joke. And there was nothing like, oh fuck. Yeah, when you comment on Burt's new special and trailer, make sure you keep it PC, be cool, be encouraging.

Don't bring up his child pornography stance. Don't bring up anything race-related, Hitler, Nazis. And don't leave comments in German. Yeah, don't leave German comments. Don't leave anything about George Wallace segregation. Fuckin', I almost lost a big boy as a fan. Really? Yeah, I posted a picture with them and everyone just was just horrible.

And he was like, huh? And I was like, oh, I don't know what to tell you. I just wish, here's what I wish, I wish everyone had a good sense of humor. Because there's so many people that do not have senses of humor that just think saying the most hurtful thing. Yeah, they don't get the news. I blocked a guy last night where I was like, hey guys, we're looking for things to do on our way through Montgomery

to whatever, in the store. Some guy goes, get your pancreas checked. You have pancreatic cancer. And I was like, okay, you just bummed me out. I was like, you're blocked. I don't think you should be speaking to anybody. And I blocked him. I've been blocking a lot of people lately.

You do? Yeah, I have been. Just because I'm like, oh, I don't like the way you play. Can you please find the trainer? I need to see the trainer. I don't know where, I don't know what is. All right. Well, look, we got to wrap it up.

All right, I want a trainer now. As always, Bert, congratulations on the new special. Thank you. Yes, congratulations. Thank you so much. I know it's going to rock. It's going to go up, up in a way for you. Here's my question.

Who do you think is going to benefit more from ours being tethered together back to back weekends? Me. Yeah, I know. That's what I said. Easy. I was like, why didn't you go second? Yeah, I'll benefit more.

Yeah, it's going to be huge. They're both going to be great. They're going to be both big. But man, you're going to get, you're just going to be fucking. Do you think you're going to be doing arenas this year? Yeah. Sorry. I answered for you.

I was very excited. I just saw the checks in my head just stacking. I think I'm going to do a couple in a couple specific. That's so crazy. You're going to be doing it too. I don't know if I'm going to be doing arenas. When I did Constitution Hall, that was the closest I've ever been. By the way, it's not even that.

It means big, but it's not like it's not arena big. I think it's like 39. That's big. You did two there. Yeah. And so I went in and I was like, it's the first time that I had people like in stadium seating almost. But I was like, it would be like doing the forum,

but with a stage not in the round. And it was like, my first show was like, I don't think I like this. I guarantee you, zero doubt, zero doubt. You're going to be doing arenas within 14 months. Definitely. From your mouth to God's ears. For sure. I would love that.

I would love to do it once just to see what it's like and have that experience. Yeah. So I'm watching Sebastian do it. It was such a cool experience. I would love for you to do the forum in the round. I would love to be there. The thing is, I don't know if that'll ever happen.

I just feel like there's, no, no, I'm saying, there's some markets where I go like, I don't know if it'll ever pop off. Oh, like Los Angeles. Like Los Angeles. Los Angeles would be tough for me, I think. I have a few of markets that it's good for. Well, you're probably big in the South, Birmingham, Alabama.

No, I'm not. Where's the Clan from? No, I'm not big in the South. I'm not big in the South. Arkansas. I'm not big in the South at all. My big markets are anywhere, Ohio. Probably the same as yours, I think.

Anywhere, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Philly, DC, Florida. Yeah. But like the problem is with me with like this run I'm doing through Huntsville, they're all sold out. It's just one show, but they're not like huge, like the men in that area aren't big Instagram guys. They're not like huge podcast guys.

They're just like comedy fans. Sure. You know, like that. Oh, because because you go to a place like Ohio where it's massive podcast fans and you can double your numbers. Oh, I got you. You're on the podcast.

Okay. You're fine. Just tap into that Clan audience. You should just be enjoying the ride. You're on the enjoy the ride, bro. It's going to be bigger and bigger, man. I'm proud of you. I love you.

Congratulations. So much, Bert. Congrats. Go to Netflix. If you have not already and make sure you check out. Hey, big boy streaming right now. Follow Bert. Get tickets.

BurpBurt.com. Check out two bears, one cave. Bert and I do it together. It's on your mom's house YouTube channel. You can download it everywhere. There's also Bert cast and Bill Burt on ATC. So that's it. Congratulations.

Thank you guys. All right, buddy. Love you, buddy. I love you guys. Retired double age. Get the fuck out of here. Take it easy. Fuck yeah.

The fuck you. What's up there, Chomo? You fucking accuser. How do you get a job? Fuck face. Fire and rimstone. He didn't fall. Proto.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Take it easy. Fuck yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Ta-ta. They're returned. Fuck off.

Fuck off. Retired double age. Get the fuck out of here. Take it easy. Fuck yeah. The fuck you. What's up there, Chomo? You fucking accuser.

How do you get a job? Fuck face. Fire and rimstone. He didn't fall. Proto. Fuck you. Fuck you. Take it easy.

Fuck yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Ta-ta. They're returned. Fuck off. Fuck off. Retired double age. Get the fuck out of here.

Take it easy. Fuck yeah. The fuck you. What's up there, Chomo? You fucking accuser. How do you get a job? Fuck face. Fire and rimstone.

He didn't fall. Proto. Fuck you. Fuck you. Take it easy. Fuck yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Ta-ta.

They're returned. Fuck off. Fuck off. Come on.