Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 546 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 8, 2020

The Mommies quarantine life has been pretty wonderful. Lots of NRE in the Segura home. Plenty of time to find the COOLEST of guys. Guys who like peanut butter, but not on bread. WOULD YOU RATHER: Quarantine Edition goes down. What have you been binge watching? The Mommies have been all about "90 Day Fiance" and "Tiger King," which all get extensive reviews. We hear about the rest of the groups quarantined lives which leads to a discussion on sexy text exchanges exchanges. What exactly is the strategy used when sliding in the DM's? Josh Potter tells all! This episode has it all, pull those jeans up high and tight! SPONSORS: - Squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. - ForHims.com/house for a free online visit. - Go to WHOOP.com and enter “YOURMOM” at checkout to save 15%. - Get 10% off your first order and free shipping when you use promo code mom, only at Brooklinen.com

Hello, my Polly people. It's great to be back inside Studio Jeans with all you Chomos out there watching. Good day to you. Good day. I got so much NRE pumping through me. Me too. I have a new girlfriend and a new boyfriend and a new wife and we're all getting along great. Great. Your quarantine wife. Got quarantine wife. It's really fun to be forced into new relationships and now I'm allowed to leave the home. Yeah. I like it. You and I have been together more than we ever have in 15 years of our relationship together. Yeah. I got to say it's going well. Are you being sarcastic? No, I'm being totally serious. I am too. I'm actually really surprised at how much I'm enjoying quarantine with you. It's been really nice to get to know

you. Yeah. Now, it's been a lot of fun. We'll tell you all. Look at all that. I just want to say I know a lot of people out there are unsettled and nervous and anxious and this is just my attempt to try to remind you don't go in to a tailspin of panic. Okay. The world is not going to end. So just remember that the world's not going to end. You're going to be okay. This will it's going to be painful. It's uncomfortable. It's unfortunate. But we're all in this together and we're all going to get out of this. And it's good to know that we know who caused this the transsexuals. Well, I think the trans activists, I think Asians and I think Native Americans and Arabs are to blame and that's just that's undeniable. So it's God letting us

have them around any of the people I listed feel free, you know, to let them know verbally that they're bad. But it is our fault because God's punishing us right for allowing boys to become girls and girls to become boys. That that and that is Kristina Pete. Good job. No, but we have had a lot of fun. Oddly enough, I have to say that I oddly enough have been enjoying being home with you. Oh, I thought you're going to say I've really been enjoying like people persecuting the Jews, the gay, the trans community. But we've been we've been having a night. We'll get into the details of our day to day ness with people because I think it's, I don't know, it's funny for us. Yeah, it's a lot. It's

been a lot of fun. But I'm excited to do our show. This is the first time I've been in a car in a week driving over here. And it's good to see the guys in the booth currently permitted, by the way, for people wondering why aren't you guys. We are permitted by the city of Los Angeles. There is a stay at home ordinance. There's permission to media within those guidelines. Podcasts fall under media. They don't want offices and such. They want only essential people. Try to keep things 10 or more. There are currently five people here. So just letting you know, we're not violating rules or anything that we're, you know, we're not doing. Although should we be wearing face masks? I'm confused.

I feel like the people wearing them to jog is it's a little much, right? I mean, if you're out in the open air, because I a lot of people are doing the virtue signaling of I go on the next door app and people in our neighborhood are like, some of you are not following the guidelines. I saw a group of children and they weren't six feet apart and they were playing and laughing and I'm like, shut the fuck up. It's a bit much. Yeah. I mean, take care of yourselves, be smart, but like, you know, fuck off too. Okay. Yeah. All right. You ready to get into also go fuck yourself. Ready to get into this? Yeah. All right. Let's go. I like getting peanut butter sucked off my dick. Oh boy. I like getting them chubby, chubby fat holes. I got the sticky

titties and stuff and put peanut butter on my dick and let them suck it off. This is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone's mother into this. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pashitsky. Welcome to your mom's house. Wow. Wow. That is of course the great acapella version of our intro song by Josh Potter. Really good stuff. Really good. It's fun to bring it back, man. It is. I forgot how much I enjoyed that and how talented he really is. Oh, I mean, if you want to know the talent that Josh possesses, it's all in that clip. Yeah, it really is. Also, I'm curious to hear how our boys are all doing

with their quarantine. What are they up to? How much are they masturbating every day? What are they eating? Because I feel like if I were to quarantine alone, that's all I would be doing is masturbating and eating. What would you be doing if you didn't have a family? I haven't masturbated at all, not once in the whole quarantine. It's because we have two small children that we're caring for. It is. When I'm home and around the family too, I feel like my priorities shift a little bit. What? Wait a minute. Are you saying you don't want to jizz as hard? You don't feel super hard when you're two-year-old climbing on to you. Well, when he's kicking me in the balls and I'm like, oh, they're smacking me, pulling my beard, throwing my car keys across

the room, fucking breaking everything that I own, damn it. You know what's funny is that it never slowed my dad down. When I was four, he would take me to his mistress's house, plunk me in front of the TV in their living room, and then he would go into the bedroom and bang his mistress. The part that astounds me the most is not slowing that dick down, like having a four-year-old didn't never soft. Priorities, man. You gotta have priorities. What about you, clown Jew? What's your red-headed fucking quarantine like? That's good. Yeah, this clown Jew. Well, we were talking about you the other day, native on our walk, we do a daily walk, that you're a red-haired Jew, and I thought that was

very special and rare. She was really fired up about it, and I was like, no, there's definitely a whole lane like that. Yeah, we exist. But she was like, we need a new nickname for him. Yeah, because blue ban or Jew ban. We need something. Jew jeans. I got a story that puts me down. No. First of all, I never really felt like Jew ban was a thing. No, it wasn't. It was always been blue ban. Right. Blue ban. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I've heard Jew ban before. Maybe I've just heard it from fans. Okay, they get into that. Yeah. No, but how's your quarantine been, though? What have you been eating? What have you been eating? Are you gaining weight? Yeah, man. I was keto for a minute, and then as soon as

the world was ending, I'm like, I'm not fucking dying thin. And it's really crazy. It's easier to justify bad food decisions during this thing. It is. I know. Me too. I've been the same way, although I have been lifting a lot more. I got weights at home, and I've been lifting more. I have to tell you that I'm the complete opposite. I've been eating clean. I've been losing weight, and I've been walking every day. Isn't that bananas? Good for you. I find because I feel like if I'm going to survive this, I want to be cuter. I find that my rationing skills are just going in the shitter. Like I will go to the grocery store and I'll buy like, Oh, yeah, this will be food for a week. And I'll end up eating all of it in like within two or three days. And it's the exact same

way with my masturbation. Like, Oh, yeah, I'm going to jerk off once today. Yeah. And that's it. But then like two hours goes by, I'm like, I already jerk off. You like forget that you did forget that you did. I forget that I feel like if I were happens two or three times a day, well, forget that I jerked off earlier. Wow. Only when I get started, I feel like, Oh, yeah, it feels like I jerked off. If I were single, you're really in it. Yeah, you are in it. If I were single and living alone during this, I would be in a bad. Because all the access is cut off. But I would just be, I already furiously masturbated during that time. I'm sure it would be a whole other level. They would find me on the ground with chocolate on my face and jizz dried on my stomach.

Well, because when we started dating, when you just had a mattress on the floor, like you were living that bad. I was living that life. But bachelor fucking garbage person life. It wasn't like cool bachelor. It was a homeless bachelor. Yeah. Like you didn't have soap in your shower. You use shampoo to clean your dick and balls. Yeah. And I think now, Oh God, let's do this. Let's do it. Would you rather, would you rather quarantine at your poorest bachelorist or at 16 years old and you live with your mom and dad? It's a tough one. I know. Because if you're quarantined at 16 with your parents, I'd kill myself. Then you're, you know, you might be doing a two or three months stretch with them every day. No, dude. In the same house. No, dude. I wouldn't

survive. And think about how important it is to socialize at 16 and to see your friends. I know, you'd be freaking out. You'd be so sad. And oh no, I would rather be at my poorest. I think it might be that actually might have been my crime spree. If I would, if I look back and try to be like that might have been the point where I decided like this is worth it. You should break into some homes, you know, just to like to, you know, do something about the monotony of my life right now. Get a little thrill going, you know, what did you do today? Oh, nothing. And I just, you know, especially as a teenager. Yeah, you can't throw a rock through someone's window, climbed in there, terrorize the family. I definitely would have been smoking a lot

of cigarettes. Like I'd go for a walk and then I'd meet my friend and we'd smoke cigarettes somewhere. Yeah. That's what I'd be doing. What would you do? So is it that you're going from yourself right now and then transitioning to your poorest self in quarantine? Or is it you're going from poor to poor? No, sorry. It's your poorest era of your life. Of as an adult. As an adult. Right. So you're on your own. But it's like, but I haven't tasted the good life yet, right? Like I only know poor life from that. Yeah, you're young. You're in your 20s. Yeah. I feel like I would definitely go with that because there's, you can't stoop lower than living by yourself at your poorest time, you know, like everything that you do is disgusting. So it's just like, oh,

yeah, I'm just doing all of my disgusting stuff just like a lot of times in a row more than often. But then the financial uncertainty, like when Tom and I were our poorest, I mean, could you imagine being like rampart division broke when we were that broke? And then this happening? Just catch up sandwiches for a while. Yeah, dude, no income when we were like feature acts. No, I know. No money other than stand up. And that's canceled. Yeah. That'd be scary. Scary, scary. Anyway, I'd go with that over. I mean, I can't really take longer than a weekend really with family. So it's like once it's like, oh, actually, it's two months now. I'd be like, yeah, man, just take all my money and let me live by myself. I'd rather live in the streets. I'd rather be homeless. I can't believe

the only thing that I don't really agree with is a bunch of like high school people, they're like everyone's saying, oh, these poor kids don't get their prom. And I'm like, what if you take me back to senior year in there and you were like, hey, the last three months of school are canceled, I'd be like, this is the greatest day of my life. I was already a poor student. So I would just be like, oh, just keep doing poorly from home. Okay. Like it wouldn't be a big deal for me at all. And who the fuck liked prom? Prom was the prom was fucking gay as fuck. Let's just say it sucked. And I didn't like it was terrible. I didn't like it. I was goth. I didn't want to go anyway. Good. I know the only I mean, it wasn't even different. You just went to you went to prom.

And then you're like, whose house can we go drink and do drugs at? Which is what we did last weekend. Also, it's just we didn't have tuxedos on. So what's the big deal here? Well, that would be the suck part is not being able to get high with your friends. You'd have to zoom get high. That's the thing is like, you know, I'm trying to go back for me to be like going to Florida in that era. I mean, it was just a bunch of deviants anyways, who if you were like, hey, what do you do about this quarantine? They'd be like, I'm outside your house with a bag right now. Just come out here like six feet apart again. Yeah, nobody would have cared. Nobody. But I have to say that I'm really enjoying the quarantine time with you. It's fun. I've been making recipes.

The people quarantine wife is my favorite wife. You have taken it upon yourself. Thank you to try recipes every day. All these amazing, amazing recipes you're cooking. This chicken dish was incredible. I got one from Katie Morton. She gave me a recipe with cream sauce thing that was amazing. Oh, I've been blown away. The director from the Zarface video sent me a good one I'm going to do. I'm a horrible baker. And I've had fun just doing nothing with you. The neatest part was the other night we were laying in bed. We were really into 90 day fiance before the 90 days. Yes, that's with big Ed, the mayo head hair guy. Yeah. And the other night we were laying in bed just kind of playing and giggling. And that show, by the way, everybody who's on 90 day before the

98s, all of them are retarded. All of them. All of them. It's basically a study in how people date. Yes, it is. And especially because they're all like the third world person with the American and they're like, she doesn't. She doesn't. Yeah. They're all like, wait a minute. She doesn't love me just purely 100%. Like I mean, you want to fucking smack everyone on the show. Are you a fucking idiot? How are you? How are you willfully this stupid? This is how you go through life. Then it informs you. You're like, Oh, this is how a bunch of people go through life. Just this fucking dumb. Wait a minute. I mean, this one stupid piece of shit. He's 60 years old. He has been chatting with a Ukrainian girl for seven years, seven years. He's like,

I've been dating her for seven years. We only chat on the dating site. We've never chatted on Facebook. I don't have her phone number. Lana. Yeah, I've asked her name. I've traveled three times to the Ukraine to meet her. And every time something's come up, but it's always made sense. Her brother died. She fucking fell down once. She had a medical problem. So he goes for the fourth time. He goes to the Ukraine, mind you, fourth time he goes there and he's like, no, he's going to meet me. No, no. Yeah. I go fly there and then she's going to meet me the next day on a train that comes in at eight a.m. Doesn't, doesn't have a train number. Doesn't know what city she's coming from. He's like, just supposed to be here. She's supposed

to be in a blue dress and he's looking around. Guess what? She doesn't show. He's like, I don't even know what's going on. What are you talking about? She doesn't exist. Dude. She's a bro. She don't know you're getting hosed right now. Like this guy is like, I'm going to get to the bottom of this because for seven years we've been dating and this doesn't really seem to be adding up. Well, they've never video chatted. Not once. Never texted. Now, now she has sent videos without audio. So she can't video chat, but she can send videos. I think he is the most R worded of all the people. He is the dumbest fucking guy in seven years. No, I don't even feel bad for him. I don't. I don't either. I went from feeling bad for him to being like, you know what? You, you

signed. You decided to make this, you know, a possibility by being willfully stupid. And all of his friends were telling him over and over like, Hey, this seems suspicious. You don't think that maybe she's not real. Maybe it's a guy on the other end and they're just sending you. And by the way, a simple way to answer all this is to do a reverse Google image search. Oh my God. That's all you have to do. The most basic thing this guy could do. This girl, the girl in the photos is gorgeous. She is stunning and like Marilyn Monroe. 10,000 leagues. I mean, beyond his capacity is that there's this guy has zero chance. 0.0 fucking. What is that guy's name? Her name is Lana. Yeah. And his name is dipshit.

dipshit fuckface. Dumb, dumb. Any day before you got it. There is Lana and David. Okay. They're there. There. That's the woman that he's been dating. That's the one he's never video chatted with or talked to on the phone in seven years. Yeah. And he's been to the Ukraine. He's like to meet her. Can't wait to meet my girlfriend and make her my wife. Oh my God. This guy, this guy thinks that that girl, he's 60. She's 28. He's not 60. Look how dark and lovely his hair is. Don't tell me he dies that hair, Tom. The hair is so dyed wrong. There's it. That expression just absolutely exemplifies who this man is. Yeah. I'm a dumb fuck. I'm so dumb. I'm meeting my girlfriend.

Seven years after we started chatting online on a site, by the way, the dating site that he talks to her on, you have to pay every time you chat. Every time. So he spent six figures chatting. Yeah. Over seven years. He never was like, Oh, you want to head over to Facebook? No. Can I get your phone number? No. Nothing. It's dumb. He's like, I can't believe I got hoes on this. What? Now, see, that one I have a hard time buying, like that he is purely dumb. How does that guy have a job? I don't know, dude. You know what I mean? Like, how does that guy? How does he live? Brush his teeth in the morning. No, I'm just fucking dipshit. The other one I have more empathy for, the one who goes across to Russia, the guy from

Tennessee who goes to see the Russian because he just wants love and he's been traumatized. He's been through terrible, terrible life stuff. Yeah. Like, he's a sweet guy and he genuinely Oh, was that a mug shot? Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Charges of abusing X. That's him. Whoops. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, click that link though. Yeah. The top one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The one you were on. Yeah. Yeah, Jeff. Fans are shocked over Jeffrey's alleged dark past. Can you make that? All right. 90 day fiance quickly learned that Jeffrey about Jeffrey Paschal on Sunday before the 90 days for a couple. Some fans remarked that Jeffrey had

nice eyes. Yeah. Other fans liked the way he chopped wood while shirtless. Understandably, fans wanted to know more about him. He started a trend on Twitter and let's see. Jeffrey's a 41 year old from Knoxville. He calls himself a country boy. He loves the outdoors. He exclaimed that he was a bad boy until fatherhood came along. Okay, so scroll down. He has three sons from two different relationships. Dakota impacts. Jeffrey also realized his youngest son chasm. He admitted that he's been married a few times. One of his ex wives was the mother of his two younger sons. He hopes to find love. Okay, ongoing legal case about what? Oh, first made headlines in January when he appeared in court case hearing over allegations of domestic assault, kidnapping

and interference with a 911 call. Jeffrey has also vandalism charges after an alleged altercation broke out between him and his ex-girlfriend in June of 2019. That's not that long ago. That's not my past, if you know what I mean. Right. The affidavit states the officers arrived to the scene of an incident with Jeffrey's then girlfriend. During the call, she accused him of domestic assault according to documents. Officers noted abrasions and bruises on her elbows, forehead and knees. Yeah, but she could have been hiking. You never know that people make that shit up. Well, yeah. Jeffrey claimed the bruises were self-inflicted. Then he tried to kick out the windows out of the patrol vehicle. What? He was the primary aggressor which led to the apparent

arrest. I thought it's a panty aggressor for a minute there. He might have been a panty aggressor well as well. That's a real fascinating relationship, him with the Russian girl, who is also hosing his dumb ass. Well, and the signs were there. They were all there. So he goes to Russia to meet her and she has an apartment that she stopped renovating and working on when they started speaking because she was like, I'm going to move to America. What's the big deal? Yeah, he goes like, why did you? She has open ceilings and walls with exposed wire. He's like, why don't you? Why did you stop? She's like, well, when I started talking to you, I just figured why finish this. He's like, huh? You still live here though. She's like, yeah, but I mean, I met you.

Is that another fucking mugshot? That's a different mugshot. Oh my god. And he's got that Lloyd Christmas hair. That's always a sign of a dip. Hit that one. Jesus Christ. Isn't that the official haircut of dum-dums? He's like, I don't want to talk about my past. What happened? Well, last June. Fuck, man. So he's a real scumbag, huh? I didn't. I would never have known that. I would never have known that. Does this say he has three and a half ex-wives? One isn't final yet. Oh, so he's going to have four ex-wives soon. Guys, stop judging. I mean, stop wife shaming. I got to tell you, and this goes out to everybody out there who listens or watches this. If you have four ex-wives, can you just stop marrying people?

Maybe this isn't good for you. It's not your lane. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I feel like two is a max. I know two people. First wife, first wife, but you get married in your 20s or young. That person dies or you divorce. Two marriages acceptable. Yeah. Anymore than two, don't you feel? I think you're, yeah, I mean, I know two people that have one person that's been married seven times and one person that's been married eight times. And I'm like, come on. Do you hate your money? I personally know them. Yeah, they hate money. They hate having a life. So anyways, well, you know, you just got to get it right. You can't though. No, you can't get it right. So the point being, we're laying in bed and we're playing and laughing. And then you go,

what would you look like if you had a flat nose and then you touched my nose and you squished it? No, no. What I said was this. You asked me what I wanted for my birthday. And what I said was, I would like to hire a plastic surgeon to flatten out your nose. And so what I said was, what if we did, if you leave forward, come on, this one's, I go, what if we did this? And I pushed your nose flat. Right. And then as I did it, you go, did you just, did you take your finger, was your hand in your asshole? And I was like, what? And you're like, was your hand in your asshole? And I think a lot like Jeffrey, I was like, why are you talking about my past? That was a long time ago because earlier in the day, meaning a minute before I touched

your face, I was really scratching my asshole, like bare handed, aggressively scratching it. And I remember like, I was like, man, it's sweaty. I can, you know, I could really, really, because you had worked out, you had not showered even. So I had been, your, your musk was fully. Yeah, it was on. Right. Yeah. And I thought that too. And truth be told, I remembered kind of peripherally hearing the scratch because it was on my phone. And so that's why I was like, oh, that's a butt smell and it's on my face now. So thank you for touching your asshole. And what had happened was this, here's what happened. Now I can, now, like on a crime show, I can go back and put the pieces together. What happened was, I had scratched my ass,

bare handed. Yeah. The conversation shifted. The conversation shifted. You go, what do you want for your birthday? My mind goes blank. I'm like, what about my birthday? I have the idea of having a surgeon flatten out your nose like this. And then with that hand, I touch it. I go, well, that's a long time ago, but it had only been like about 90 seconds maybe. And then you, you have such a sharp sense of smell. You were able to pick up. It wasn't sharp. It wasn't very sharp. It was just a pungent finger that was on my nose. Was it really? Very pungent. Was it really? I have to say that in all the years we've been together, I have not smelled your butt finger. And this was, we don't have many firsts in our

relationship, but this was a first. Very proud of that. Very proud of that. Yeah. There was also kind of a first in bed the other day too, which was that I was laying in bed and you got up and you're going, I'm going to go downstairs and I go, Oh, cool. I'm hungry. Will you bring me something to eat? And I turn and you drop your pants and you spread your cheeks so far open and you go, why don't you eat that? And you even, you were pulling, you were spreading so aggressively that your hole opened. No. Yes it did. Yes it did. I could see all the chocolate inside. Oh, there's no chocolate. Yeah, I could see it. That was really nasty. And that's the first time I've ever done that to you. That was really nasty. Yeah. I've showed you my hole before. Yeah,

you do it a lot. You do the stripper thing where you smack your thighs and then you run your hands down the back of your legs and then you pull your pants down. But I have to say that this quarantine has brought us closer together. I'm in a good mood. And oh my God, we didn't even bring up 10 milligram top. So I brought it up on two bears, but yeah, the other day. I really like it. At night, I take 10 milligrams of Indica THC edible and we had watched a movie and then we were talking and I was like making her laugh and she goes, are you high right now? And I was like a little bit and you're like, I like this guy. I like this. You're like, you're playful. You're you're loose. Yeah, you're so much fun when you're high. Yeah. And then you go, she goes, what are you taking? I go,

I take it at night before I go to bed. You go, why don't you take it during the day? And I was like, what? And you're going to take it during the day, you know, let's let's have 10 milligram Tom around. Yeah. So the next day I ate it during the day. I liked it. And I liked it. You were so much better around the kids. I think I'm more patient on it. Of course. Yeah. And I like that because, you know, sometimes you get all wound up with the boy, you start yelling at the kids and he needs to take it. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, you get real fired up and it's just been the four of us in the house. I was like, listen, whatever you need to get through this, you need to start taking pot during the day because I like this Tom. Yeah. 10 milligram Tom can stay. Yeah. So

he is here. I think as soon as I get home, 10 milligram Tom is going to come out. I love it, bro. Maybe 10 milligram Tom should start podcasting. Fine. I like it better. You're just more, you're less grumpy, grouchy. You tend to get grisly, grouchy. Yeah. And I like that. Yeah. Another observation we've been, we made on this quarantine. So the other day, you think you walked up next to me, I was at the counter cutting food or something. And then you ripped a fart like you normally do. You were like, you ripped a big one. And then you're like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, you do your fake apology. Yeah. Like you're pretending. And then you go, I'm sorry. Oh, God, babe, I had meat. And then it occurred to me that there's always an excuse.

It's always a babe. You know what happens when I have meat. I had sushi. Oh, I had sushi. I had carrots. Carrots give me gas. I had sugar. You know what sugar does to me? It gives me gas. I'm like, basically everything makes you shit. Right. Everything gives you gas. You pointed it out to me. Everything. And it really made me laugh because I didn't realize how many different things I'll be like, well, here's the reason. Yeah, it's always a reason. Because it is, there's like, there's a steak explanation, coffee, sugar, bread, pasta, fish, sushi, fried rolls. And then pretty much you're like, so food makes you shit. And I'm like, yeah, pretty much. But yeah, I had never, I'd never thought about it that way that I was just listing anything that's possible to

consume. All foods are foods that make you fart. They all make me fart. Yeah. What do you think that's about? Do you think you're going to get your butthole looked at when this is done? Yeah, I think so. You need to call and ask. Either that or I like getting peanut butter sucked off my dick. I like getting them chubby fat holes. I got the sticky titties and stuff and put peanut butter on my dick and letting them suck it off. Is he TikTok? Is he touched a little now that I see it again? Well, there's a lot of cool things about this guy and about this video. Number one, what what a cool person to just share with the world that he likes to have peanut butter sucked off his and what a treat for a lady. Yeah, to get the gift of possibly blowing right

and peanut butter consumed as you're blowing him. That's true. He's got really cool sideburns, nice hair. I mean, and then there's the second layer of it that he's saying, you know, get these fat hose and, you know, it's pretty apparent that he's not a thin guy. So it's kind of interesting that he goes into that lane. But well, I'll tell you what I like about this video on a visual spectrum that it doesn't bother him that his fingers covering half the lens. The lens is covered, which is cool. And I don't know if this is a pillow against the wall in bed. It's like a high schoolers sheet. But there's the walls, like there's no headboard, you know, it's just a white wall. But he goes on. For the simple fact, there's a lot of those chubby young holes want to lose weight

and they starve themselves and eat vegetables and stuff, and they're dying for a chance to eat fat. And so if you could put the peanut butter on your day, it is an excuse for him. This guy, this is so seventh grade. Isn't this how you boys talk to each other when you were in seventh grade? Is he how old is he? He has like that kind of deceiving look, right? Like I would believe you if you said he was 17 or 34. I don't know how old he is. I mean, in his mind, I think he's probably not past the third grade capacity or something like that. You can't eat the peanut butter without being on a date. Then they'll feel like fat bitch. But the peanut butter on your day and they'll feel like they got a special permission. Oh yeah. You suck a real good, you would burn them calories off.

Fat bitch. You know what I do admire is how well thought out this fantasy is for him. Like he really has thought this through. There's a logic to it. He's he's pretty cool. I'll definitely give him that. Fat bitch. He's a really, really cool guy. Yeah, he's got it. Oh man. I will say that this quarantine has brought out the coolest of guys. They all are online. That's the only place they can go now. Cool guys are posting more than ever. So I was last arrested four years ago, I think. Why wasn't there? But when I was in jail, they gave me this book. You had a choice of three books to read. And I chose this book. It's about a woman who was a UN negotiator. She was negotiating for the UN between two warring tribes in the Democratic

Republic of the Congo. And she fell in love with and fucked the leader of one of the tribes. You're a white bread ass from New York who went to college and university and got a job as a UN negotiator, went to the jungle and fell in love with fucking Mutumbu who doesn't speak English with his big black ding dong and got dick. Well, it sounds perfect to me. What kind of game can Mutumbu even have? He doesn't even speak English. He's a warlord. You're negotiating between two warlords. He literally runs around and kills people with machine guns for fun. And when you met him, you were like, Oh, wow, he's so charming. He's so jealous. Yeah, he's jealous. Dude, I think my two moves sounds hot and I get it. And I,

if I were her, I would have banged him too. Well, yeah, especially if he had the rest of the tribe with them and they all had masks on there. Stop it with that shit man. The masks, where do you go? And then they hold you down. I would love it. Yeah. I would love it. Not the whole tribe, but the leader of the tribe. You want the leader of the tribe? Because he's strong. He's physically the fittest and he's got a huge dong. Yeah, man, I'm all in. He's probably sweet and sensitive and he's probably never seen a white lady like. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why is he probably sweet and sensitive? Because warriors like that underneath all that, they're just like you. You're very grumpy, grisly groucher, but on the inside you're all sweetness and candy. So this

is your fantasy? No, but the way that he's presenting it, he makes it sound like it's a bad thing. It sounds kind of awesome when I understand why she fell in love with Matumbu. Okay. What kind of ratchet ass hoe would fuck Matumbu? I would. So I'm reading this book and I finally get to the realization that the whole time the heroine, the main character is just some stupid hoe. Some dumb hoe who fucks some guys she shouldn't have fucked. Of course you shouldn't fuck African warlords. This moves on to my broader point. Women are fucking stupid. Oh, we're back to that again. We forgot our thesis for a moment. Yep. What's up on my Instagram ad? I'm on a roll today because women are fucking stupid. Yes. They're fucking stupid. Yes. Okay. I

don't understand why it's so difficult for good guys to meet a fucking sane woman. I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot. That is what's up, bro. fictional ones, real ones, doesn't matter if they're on TV or any book, they're fucking dumb. Women are dumb. We know it. We're not supposed to say it, but it's fucking true because I guarantee you whoever wrote that shit, wrote that book thought obviously he wanted it to be as realistic as possible. He said let me make this book and make it as good as possible. What's the kind of stupid dumb shit a woman would do? Oh, yeah, this is kind of dumb shit. How many women out there are fucking dudes they shouldn't Dude, I got to say tape keeps growing on me. He really does. I love that he's relentless,

that the message is clear, and you are also going to get a solo riff today. That is super cool. He is president and founder. Yeah, he's pretty pretty awesome. He's a different kind of cool guy. He's the intellectual cool guy. He really rationalizes and reasons through his misogyny. Oh, let me tell you this. Look at God. Look at God. So last episode, I was like, I would love to find out who this guy is in these coronavirus memes. You know, the prank text, the big black guy sitting on the edge of the bed with his huge monster cock. And just in the time from when we recorded that to when we're recording this, not only did I find out who he was, he sadly passed away. But I've been in contact with his ex was fiance until

to the day he passed. And I was able to make merch and put it up, share proceeds with her. So here it is. It's a wash your hands. Men's black tea. It's on merch method.com slash Tom Segura. I was able to send her a check yesterday, which is awesome. So I think we're the only people who sent a check. People started making merch and, you know, not paying them at all. So she's going to be able to pay for the tombstone that she wanted for his from his funeral. And she was never to do. Yeah, did she tell you anything about him as a person? She told me that his name was Wardy. I think it's Jubay, the third is I think that's how you say his last name. It has like that, you know, French, I think, spelling to it. And she said he was a wonderful

guy. He was he was a great guy. The reason that he was doing the he posed in those photos was because he was going to lose his house. He secretly did it. She didn't know. Then discovered it. And then he was like, I was going to lose the house that I grew up in and I needed money. So that's why sounds like a good reason to take photos. That's why he did the photos. And that's why they were out there. But he actually played in the NFL for a minute. Seriously? Yes. Wow. Wow. Well, that was a big guy for sure. Yeah, big dude. But she said he was, you know, full of life, happy guy. He had a heart attack. He was 45 when he died. He died in 2016. People I even read something that said 2011 and that was wrong. It was 2016. So recent. Yeah. Well,

I'm really happy that we could help her. She did mention. I know you told me that she said their funeral. Yeah, so they had a really nice. There was a GoFundMe and it was it was an old one. So it didn't work. So she put a new one up. But anyways, I was able to send her a check. Great. A nice one, too. We're nice people doing nice things. Yeah. And then we, like all of you, have become obsessed with Tiger King. It's my second favorite recent release on Netflix after Ball hog course, but it is it's not going away. That shit is staying number. It's been number one for weeks. People are consuming it with good reason. It's almost like it was made for your mom's house. So I also threw up some Tiger King related merch. Carol did it.

Carol did it pull over hoodie and a Carol did it tea. And the reason why I did that is because Carol fucking did it. Spoiler alert. Carol killed Don Lewis. She did allegedly. If she's watching such a psycho. She does that psycho thing where she yeah, everything she'll be like, and he just keeps sending these things to the house. And you're like, what are you laughing at? What's the fucking laughter? She doesn't know how to read or admit like the correct emotion for anything going on. No. Well, that's because she's not being honest, you know, the cast of characters. Did we talk about this show last weekend? Last time? No, no. You know what kills me is that remember when she goes to she's like,

how could I have killed my husband and put his hand in the meat grinder? The meat grinder is only six minutes, six inches in diameter. How can it and like, that's not the right answer. The right answer is I would never kill my husband. Of course, even though I didn't like him. Of course, I didn't kill my spouse. Yeah, that's the right response. Yeah, she's like, to get the body, chop it up, put it in the meat. What? Yeah, you'd have to put the sardine juice on social media. We've got over two million fans on Facebook, but in a given week, we can reach three million. Hey, all you cool cats and kittens, it's Carol at Big Cat Rescue. Max and Marianne, the Bobcats enclosure got finished and it looks great. Hey, all you cool cats and kittens,

it's Carol from Big Cat Rescue. I am about to go live on the Dodo impact. She is. Yeah, there's all kinds of weird shit going on with Carol. Primarily, it's that I feel you pick up on that emotionally things aren't on the level. No. Well, okay, I think there's a lot of right trauma. Definitely, she was abused by her prior spouse. Well, she got into that relationship with Don when she was 16 or 17. He was like 40 something. And he's like, get in the car and he hands her a gun and she puts a gun on him. It's a lot. And then she starts dating him then. He's married with a family and he leaves his wife and kids moves in with her. And then, you know, in the in the show, they show you how before he disappeared, he's never been,

no one's ever found on her husband that they mentioned in this, who was a was a successful businessman and who was funding this Big Cat Rescue operation they had going. He told friends and his lawyer and his executive assistant before he disappeared that he was going to divorce her and he felt like his life was in danger and all these things. And then he just up and disappeared. Well, because she kind of has the perfect way to dispose of a body. Yeah, you say a tiger rescue. Is there any better way to kill somebody and dispose of the evidence? It's perfect, Tom. Are you going to open up a tiger? Are you into big cats as pets? No. No, I'm not into the exotic pet. I think I think I think big cats are beautiful and amazing.

And you know, I mean, tiger is like a majestic, unbelievable animal. I will watch documentaries on them. I would, you know, go to a rescue place to see them. But I have zero desire to own. Of course, it's psychotic. My favorite part, too, of these people that have these pets, they're always like, well, no, this is my boa constrictor. You just love, I love slick. He's the best. Oh, shit, get off of me. Then they're like hitting the fucking animal. Of course. That's all that's the dynamic you have with a pet like that. Yeah, I love him so much. God damn it, get off of me. It's terrible. It's always like this. Yeah. That's what happened. Yeah. Well, I was talking about Carol to my shrink, actually, which is so bizarre. But

my shrink was saying that Carol's attracted to those tigers because of her own hidden nature, like her own volatile, killing instincts, you know? Yeah. That savage side of you must be attracted to. But they're all psychosis. So kids demanded that they DNA test the meat grinder. Sheriff's office wouldn't it? We had a meat grinder. If you've ever seen a butcher boy a meat grinder, it's about that big around. That became like this holy exciting thing that I ran him through that grinder. And it's like, I couldn't have run his hands through the grinder, much less on his body. Always, always with the laughing. I couldn't run his hand. Always with the left. When someone laughs like that all the time, something is emotionally like, like,

why are you laughing all the time? Well, and it's not impossible. I'm sure they grind up. Yeah. And I'm sure they grind up pigs and goats or whatever it is they're feeding these tigers all the time. You mean to tell me they have tiny pieces of meat that they're grinding? No. She fed the fucking dude to tigers, of course. Joe to Joe exotic. I mean, I don't know if there's ever been. You know what's fascinating about a show like this? It kind of does the thing that Breaking Bad did, which is, you know, Breaking Bad, you watch Walter White devolve, right? But you're when you're into season six, you're like, Oh, I love this guy, though. Yeah. And you hate the wife for being a square. Yeah. But like, you shouldn't. You shouldn't love him

because he's actually become a bad person, right? And he's doing morally, ethically, legally, all terrible things. Yeah. Joe is a bad dude. Yeah. But over the course of this six, seven episode limited documentary series, you're sitting there like, Yeah, no, I mean, like he's charming. He's charismatic. He's he's got a he's fun. He's fun to be around. And like he is a manipulative, lying, deceitful, abusive, narcissistic. Yeah. I mean, he's a fucking bad guy. But you're like, that's a character. Yeah. You know, like, well, he keeps his lover around that his husband, who was horribly addicted to crystal meth, just as his, of course, push her like his trophy. There was a whatever. He was crazy. So he's he's the like the central focus of the whole

series. He's the Tiger King. And at one point, he's making a campaign video. Yeah. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to video message for president and governor. We heard Joe was out in the arena while he's filming one of his stupid campaign videos. And this guy was sniffing his shoes and sniffing his shoes. And the sniffing became goes on. And then they get mad at the Tiger. Yeah. Look at that thing. Look how powerful they are. Oh, yeah. I mean, zero effort. Get out, go. Get nobody help me. Nobody. Get out of here, you bitch. I'm gonna shoot you right between the fucking eyes, bitch. What scent makes a Liger attack your shoe? Those ligers, too. Those ligers, they're like, oh, this one will get 11 feet.

If standing on its hind legs and weigh 900 or 1100 pounds, you're like, what the fuck? No, it's a killing machine. Oh, my God. It dragged him with no effort. He just bit his shoes like, just dragged him. Yeah. And Joey is what 90 pounds. He's not a big guy, but there it didn't try to drag him. It was like, it's like pulling a little, a bucket. I mean, I got, I really don't understand the allure. I don't even understand the allure of cats, really. Like when I know there are people who say, I love my cat. No, this cat's the sweetest. Yeah, but you ever fucking you pet a cat a little too aggressively. And then they bite you. They fucking scratch you. They bite you. They don't love you. No, people love their cats. They got no love in their heart. That's not true. That's not true.

They don't love me. What are you talking about? Cats aren't capable of love. What? I'm strictly a dog lady. All right. Well, good luck with that. You know, I will say that a couple months ago, back when because he was running for president, I think Joe Exotic, right? Yeah. So I remember someone sent in his campaign video, like to the email. And I remember seeing it and I'm like, like, oh, this is kind of crazy. And then as it's going, like, this isn't real. Oh, it felt like we try and stay away from fake stuff. So I'm like, I'm not even going to prep this because there's no way this is real. And I think it might have been the possible video. I think it might have been this video over here where he's getting attacked by a tiger as he's

doing a video. I don't like no one stopping to help him. There's no way this is real. And that was before the series came out. This was like probably six or 12 months ago. Oh, wow. It was a long time ago. And then I when I saw him getting attacked, I'm like, oh, this looks really familiar. Oh, I thought this was fake. Wow. If I were gonna, you know, somebody wanted to kill you, then they would put like sardine oil all over you, something that the cat wants to eat, not something the cat wants to drool on. Carol. She's got that kind of figured out quickly. I wanted to kill somebody. Say, I don't know sardine oil. How specific is sardine oil? All this shit. I don't know. Hot dog juice. There's so many. It is amazing that they were able to cram this much content

into seven episodes that are basically 45 minutes long. Oh, I can't so many characters. I can't watch more than one episode of this sitting. Remember that's why we're watching. We watched two in a row. And then she was like, I can we pick it up tomorrow because it's it's I'm overstimulating. Yeah, I was overstimulating. I was so I couldn't take it. There's there's too much lunacy in this. Well, like what? Wait, I thought that was a woman. It is a woman. Oh, and he's the caller said it was a guy. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, before you hear it on the news, I'm going to tell you myself that an hour ago, we had an incident where one of the employees stuck the arm through the cage

and a tiger tore her arm off. I can give you your money back or I can give you a rain check. What do you want me and Paul to do right now? Do chores. Sure. Be safe. Okay. Do not stick your hands in any cages. I'm never going to financially recover from that. That's his biggest worry. That's my favorite. That's my favorite line of the entire series. He's like, I'm never going to financially recover from this. Someone just lost their armies like God damn it. The money. The money's going to be gone. But she doesn't seem concerned either because the employee was like, well, I went to work three days later to work five days later. So my hand was still a functioning hand at the time just really bandaged up and in a lot of pain. But the next morning,

the surgeon came in and said, Hey, Saf, it's going to be, you know, about two years of reconstructive surgery. Or you can amputate it. That's it. That's how quick you make that decision. Two years of reconstruction. Yes. The other guy, the guy with no legs in the series was like, yeah, and then they were like, do you want to say, I was like, yeah, I just take them. I'm like, what? Who is this flipping about their limbs? I know. I'd be like two years. So that's it. Great. Yeah. I'd be like, all right, let's start therapy. He's like, no, it's a fucking left hand. Who uses their left hand? That's why certain people are so lazy. Like I don't really realize how lazy people are capable. I don't know if I would qualify them as lazy. Yes, that's laziness. What do you mean?

Two years of reconstructive surgery. The answer is yes. She's like, I don't want to deal with that hassle. Right. What is it? If it's not lazy, what is it that she's like, you know, she's going to have to take work off every time she goes into surgery. It's like two years of reconstructive surgery. It's effort. And she doesn't want to go through the effort of the financial. It's too much effort. It's too much effort. Therefore. I don't know if it's too much effort. She's I don't think she's lazy. She's she's thinking of the inconvenience of being in hot. That's not a lazy thing. She's just like, I don't want to spend all this time going to hospital. She she goes to work five days after her arm is bitten off. I guess maybe it's a lack of self

care. I would totally. You would. Yeah. Why is that? Because it's two years where it's just like you don't know when it's going to end. You don't know when you can two years. No, it's two years at the beginning of it. Right. And then as complications arise. Yeah. And so it's just like, look, if it's my left hand, I can give a fuck. Yeah. It's just like, I'll just, you know, I beg to do it. I'll learn how to edit with my right hand only or I'll learn how to do. I'm definitely of the thought, at least in the moment where I would be like, oh, yeah, yeah, no, I'll be I'll be coming back here every week. Sure. Go ahead. Do the graphs. Yeah. Physical. Let's start. Yeah. Dude, I wouldn't go without a tooth. Yeah.

It's wild. It is wild. You guys are crazy. A hand. I would gladly go. I don't care. But I gotta tell you the part that I respect about Joe the most. I respect the extent that the level of all gas, no brakes that he went to in harassing Carol. Yeah. When somebody when somebody finds every way they can to fuck with someone as reprehensible as it can be, part of you goes, I tip my hat to you. You went full psycho in every way. I mean, he created an internet talk show that I don't know that 30 people were watching it ever, that was fully dedicated, like a full production room just to be like, Carol sucks. I mean, he got ahold of her diary and read it online. He he did he started a touring

business of like big cat shows and he used the name of her place as his and just added entertainment, use the same logo design, like did things. He protested in front of her business and a bunny suit with the blood on it and everything possibly psycho to be like, I'm going to fuck with you. And part of me goes, I respect that I respect how crazy you are. You know, like the thing about Joe is you would never want to fuck with that guy because that guy will do everything to fuck with you. Yeah, he feel he is that real psycho trait of psycho trait is it's about getting the win. You know, you have to win if you have a psycho neighbor who's like, yeah, but I put my trash cans over there and that way yours couldn't come out on the curb and like it sounds like a petty

little thing. But they feel like they won that exchange. They won that day. And that's that's what gets Joe going, you know, just these little things where he's like, well, I know that'll that'll inconvenience you by having the search name big cat rescue entertainment. Yeah, then that'll pop up and that fucks with your like, that's how he sees it. That's real mental. He even had like a photoshop some when he did of Carol and a diaper. Like, you know, that he would take a picture of Carol and take her head and put it on the body of a man in a diaper. I like that one. But that's just like a little thing, you know, but then he would share that and but his obsession with her. My favorite is when he would be like episode 357 of Carol

sucks. Literally, I mean, episode 378. It's so deep how much. Yeah. Yeah. Here's this picture of this gooey thing. And it says, smile, everyone, life could be worse. You could have a crotch like Carol does. I believe they had just slaughtered a horse. And this is the horse's penis that he's holding. And it says, Hey, Howard, suck my Captain Morgan lol. And by the way, that is a penis, a horse penis. That was my recollection. Yeah. I mean, he just he never never lays off all these, by the way, all exotic animal people are strange. Yeah, they're psychos. Yeah. This guy, you know what I would tell you is that anybody that's obsessed obsessed with one theme, that's the beginning of them crazy. For instance, the

patterns, the animal print everywhere. I wear leopard and then I wear animal and then my underwear is leopard print. That's a sign of mental illness. Number one, that's just the first layer of that onion. And then, you know, why would you have an animal that wants to kill you? That's number one. It's psychotic. Psychotic. Dr. Anto, he has four or five wives. He has three or four girlfriends. He has like nine wives. How many wives does that cancel out? I don't fucking care. That's the right answer. So many. We have people that have joined our apprentice program over the decades. Apprentice program. These are apprentices that come on generally as teenagers, live on the preserve, many of whom have stayed on for decades themselves. Yeah. And he seems the sanest of

them all. He's not. He's the most well spoken. So you think he's normal. Right. He's an articulate fucking manipulator. Yeah. He's a little creep. This is my longtime girlfriend, partner, China, the blonde lady running the stuff here. And she was 17 years old. She's been living here and taking care of my stuff. Rajani, the little Italian lady, 20 years ago, when she was a young woman, she came and lived with me and has been staying there. That's what I used to be interested in her. The pretty blonde with a big teeth and a bright big smile. She's going on 16 years of living here and taking care of all that stuff. Wait, as a woman, you don't ever want to be described as the blonde woman with the big teeth. Yeah, well, they could describe him to

if they want to. The guy with the flavor saver, soul patch and the midback ponytail. Oh my life. Jesus. Absolute maniacs, these guys, man. Jeff was a businessman for sure. You could tell he's been through the business world a few times. Flash is a Ferrari around. Rumors has it he has a jet. He would float back and forth from Vegas to where you are, Tom. He liked the party life. He liked the scene. That's me too. All night, ecstasy, all that stuff. Yeah. It was just their style. And that's a big attractive for him because he's a swinger. He, you know, him and Lauren swing. This is the best. Hold on. They like to have sex with other women at the same time. They use the Tigers to entice them in. So he took a few cubs out to Vegas. So there's like

bait to get girls? Oh yeah, it's good bait to get girls. Who doesn't want to play with a baby tiger? And then you get the explanation for, I guess, like a really beautiful woman to get her picture with a cute little dangerous animal. It's like, oh, she's got a little spunk in her too. Little pussy gets you a lot of pussy. There you go. Cool guy club. That was such a groaner too. Like, even his wife is like. A little pussy is a lot of pussy. There you go. And he's dressed like a douchebag too. My dad would be like, just salivating to say that line. He'd be like, should I go? Little pussy gets you a lot of pussy. It is such a dad joke. Yeah. Is this not the uniform of a douchebag though? His clothes. And

by the way, he wears that shit every day, even when they show them doing construction on a field in Oklahoma for building a fucking new zoo. He's like, he's in his affliction shirt with his bandana and his torn jeans. Yeah, he looks like a fucking lunatic. It's the uniform of a douche. It is. It's complete retarded gear. There's gotta be, where's like the middle aged, it's like the middle aged guy store where they try to go and look. Well, this too, this is like the guys that think that they're MMA fighters. They wear this crazy shit. Retarded. Yeah. What's that brand that everyone was wearing on Melrose? Yeah, like, oh, you're talking of, I know what you're talking about. Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy. That's, that was the originator of the

douchebag dad brand. Yeah. Like douche dads. You know, he was douchin' it up back then was when the John and Kate plus Ed. Yeah, he became a douche too. And he went on Ed Hardy's boat. Remember they had photos of him in there? Yeah, such a douche. Oh my God. Unbelievable. The John and Kate plus that guy, Ed Hardy. That's all it takes. You have to start dressing like it and then you become one. He was on that day. Jesus Christ. That's a tiger. That's a fucking tiger. Man, you gotta wear these on your next special. Oh my God. When are you gonna start wearing douchebag clothes? Oh, he finally got a new girl. Good for him. Yeah. Wait. Look, his endorsement killed Ed Hardy. That's what they're accusing him of. They're like, you're too much of a douchebag to wear our

douchebag clothes. Holy shit. God. Because he's not cool enough to wear it. Is that the point? Of course. They're like, at least there's like semi-cool people wearing our douchey clothes. And then this asshole came around and they were like, we're fucked. Can you imagine if a shitty brand was like, please stop wearing our stuff? You wearing it is devaluing our brand. You're killing our cool guy, Brandon. Oh my God. Tom, how much to get you to wear this out? Nothing. No amount. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't wear any of this. I would pay you. Okay, what will it take? You do stand up, but you don't tell anybody it's me doing it. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is also the gear of like the freshly divorced guy. That's when he started wearing it. Yeah.

When she was like, she was so mean to him. She was mean to him. I remember watching that show back then. And yeah, she was real mean to him. And then when he finally, oh my God. Oh my God. And then he finally fled. And then he got the cigarette in his mouth. This is the uniform of I'm freshly divorced and I'm screwing young chicks on the internet. You know what it is? You know what he did? You get divorced and the reason that he can land like a 20 year old is because they don't have any money. Right. So he's like, oh, hey, let's go on like a date to this nice restaurant and you know, take some to Vegas or something. And then they're like, oh my God, did you pay for the suede, everything? I saw a call. Wait, what's the female equivalent of the

Ed Hardy douche? What's the douche girl? The douche girl. I guess it would be the juicy and uggs. Yeah. Juicy sweatpants. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Juicy, the juicy stuff and uggs. Definitely. I do like some uggs though. I will. Yeah, of course. They're comfy is. Yeah. It was all good out. Yeah. There you go. That's kind of a douche bag. What's up, you slut. Kardashian kind of. Yeah. Fucking sluts. That bitch. Fucking sluts. Sluts. Yeah. Back then, I sold drugs to maintain my animal hand. The point was on the phone saying, Mario's drugstore, specializing in marijuana cocaine and quailudes. Anybody interested to come and get it, including you, mutual date, organized crime bill? They got me on tape. Oh, that's smart. Hmm. Quailudes. When was he doing this back in the

70s? Back of the day. His name was Larry Nash. He was an ATF informant. A guy worked for me, shot him and they panicked and dumped him on my farm. A crazier partner than me says, let's just cut up and burn him. So we burned him. Oh. Yeah. See, I can't even follow. I'm like, I'm overstimulated. I'm still on. It's a lot. It's a lot. The Ed Hardy guy. You know, I really didn't even do most of the stuff, but I carry the stigma of it. What am I going to tell the feds now or the judge? Your honor, I did not shoot him and I did not use them. I did not use the circular saw in his neck. It was somebody else. What difference does it make? I'm still there. The judge gave me 100 years. One day appeal and it cost me 12 years of my life. I love that he goes. There's one

point in this thing where he goes, I didn't do most of the stuff, you know, to like the debt. He's like, I do most of it. Well, I didn't kill him and I didn't use the saw to sever his head. I just helped fucking, you know, threw a match on the fucking guy. What do you mean to do, man? Stop asking. God. God. You make it sound like I'm the worst guy. You pointed out and it made me laugh. You're like, are these the worst police officers ever? Florida's got every single crime they're like, and we just had to close the case, man. He couldn't find anybody. Find the evidence. How could how could they not find Carol's dead husband's DNA all over the tiger stuff and in tiger shit? And like, what are you talking about? The whole thing is that thing is all I know is that

Carol did it. Of course. I was the supervisor in charge of the homicide section with the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office in Tampa, Florida, which also works adult missing persons. In the case of Don Lewis, the call came in as a typical missing adult adult adult. Yeah, that's the other thing. He says that adult. Yeah, he says it wrong. Like Josh Potter. I know. I wonder how I mean, listen to listen to this adult. Yeah, you say that you isolated that already. Yeah, I love you. This is why we're see. Yeah, this is why we're this is why you work here. Yeah, ginger Jew. This is perfect. Adult adult adult adult adult. What do you say? All right, adult. Josh Potter. What is Josh Potter? You say adult? Yes. Okay. Are you sure you don't have some stupid way of saying

it? Elementary adult adult. I've heard people say adult. But that's wrong. It is wrong. It's stupid. It's wrong. Basically, if you want to kill somebody do it in Florida, or where where's Oklahoma? Oh, yeah. Yeah, adult missing persons. The cops will flub up adult. We'll flub up the investigation. Yeah, it's adult adult adult. And everybody's dyeing their hair nice and easy from the pharmacy. These guys are too dark. You can't do it that dark. Then this is this is one of so Joe has all these male hose, you know, and he apparently he he gets he gets straight dudes who are legit straight. Yeah, just like just come like he's able to like fucking get his little dirty hands in there. I know the size 16. I have some big hands. The day Travis Travis apart. He looked

like a little innocent person. And I am tall, tan, and beautiful. My God, it was six foot six dark, complexed gentlemen with the most God awful big hands you've ever seen in your life. Okay, hold on. Are we not going to address Joe's first husband who gives every interview shirtless and is missing teeth? That dude is the shit. What's his name? I don't know, but I like him too. The guy that was saying when when Travis got here, that that's his other husband. That's passage. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I don't remember his name. Yeah, that's that's the first husband. I like him and I respect his choice to go shirtless. He did every interview shirtless and no teeth and he's like, yeah, meth is a real motherfucker. And also he's like, I was married to

Joe for like 10 years. But yeah, I'm not I'm not gay. What? And he ended up he's like, yeah, I was fucking other chicks and you know, had a baby with one and I guess it's just the drugs and then yeah, Joe gave him Joe just keeps giving them math. Yeah, you're fine. Joe says how straight are you? And he goes pretty straight. And I said, do you watch porn? He says, yeah, I said, well, do you enjoy the guy with the little one doing it or do you enjoy watching the guy with the big one doing it? And he says, well, obviously you want to watch the guy with the big one. I said, well, you ain't that straight. There you go. I guess is that the last that's a fun mental game to play with somebody. Yeah. I guess if they're not that bright, they're like, now I guess I am. I'm gay or shit. I

even think about it. Big dicks, little dicks. Well, I love the little ones. And then what does he say? Well, you don't, you ain't that straight. Okay. Yeah, that's all it took. Yeah, he hooked him with that riddle. What kind of dicks do you like in porn? Big one. You ain't that straight. Good point. Gay. Now, wait a minute. What's the Oklahoma? Oh, they're not that bright there, are they? Yeah. The whole state. Pretty easy to manipulate. Plus, that guy was whacked out of his mind on drugs. Yeah, he got them both to be super, super fucking whacked out on that shit. Yeah. Checked him out with this NRE. It wasn't weird to share Joe with another guy because Joe had tried for many years to bring other people in. And one day, Joe asked me if Travis could

be in a relationship with us too. And I wasn't, I didn't really know any better. I didn't care. He's attractive. I want him to fix those teeth. It's a good investment. I think he should, babe. It's part of his personality. He's attractive. No, I know. Imagine how much better he'd look with teeth. Yeah. Teeth really do make a better look. They do help. They do. He fixed them. He fixed them? Tiger King guy? He fixed them. Oh, awesome. John. John doing it. Yay. Thank God. Good job, John. Because I like John. He got his teeth fixed. Good for him. Hit that link. Thank God. Damn, what a game changer. Yeah, he's a different dude. I know. Good for him. This is why we're always saying it too. Look at this, man. Yay. Hey, tops and bottoms. Good job. It is another person. Full

chops. Another human being. Holy shit. Scroll down. Wow. Look at that, man. Good job, dude. It is amazing. This, this show has captivated the nation. Yeah. And I'm serious. I know. It has not dropped from number one for weeks. And that's with like Ozark season three came out. They come out with movies and dude. Well, there's so many stories. Like you said, in every single episode is a different a whole movie. There is one of the most. Oh my God, just it's hard to say that something's particularly strange in this series. But there's a tragedy, right? There's multiple tragedies. But the most tragic thing I think is Travis accidentally shooting himself. Yeah, that was horrifying. And they show you the guy who sees on camera cameras facing the person

seeing Travis go. There's not a clip in here and boom shoots himself. And it's horribly tragic. And then Joe, who was married to Travis at the funeral. Oh my God, this is how Joe conducts himself at the funeral of his just just past husband in the most tragic way died. This is him at the funeral. We're going to try and make this not a day of morning, but a day of celebration to celebrate the life of Travis Michael Moldenado. And I asked him every day, I said, why me? And he said, because God put me here to make you smile. And that's my job. I doubt he said that. Yeah, that's nice. But like how else? I think it didn't matter how stupid he had to get. But if I was sitting there

constantly and he showed us on the computer to write a letter to a senator or congressman or something, it seemed to run coming rubbing balls in my face. And everybody who works here knows exactly what I'm talking about because you've seen his balls. They were like building nuggets to that boy. That's at the funeral. Like with his mother in the front row. It's so stressful. I think I could tell you about your son. That was really amazing. We all saw his balls all the time. Yeah, the golden nuggets is what we like to call him. Thanks, man. Please don't. You're not going to do this at my funeral, right? Oh, I'm going to try. We're like one time I wipe ass if I wanted to eat something and she spread. We all saw our ass hole here. We all saw everybody.

What a nice treat. I guess we all mourn in different ways. To make you the focus of the funeral, I'm going to sing. I'm going to go ahead and sing for you at the funeral. Thank you, Joe. That is so mortifying. And that guy wore his best blue jeans and oversized white shirt to the funeral. Yeah, it's nice when people rock that kind of close to futiles or court appearances. It's always nice when somebody puts on their best undershirt to go to court. Jesus Christ, man. Yeah, I've seen it a lot. Or even showing up for jury duty, people are dressed like they're going to the beach. Like, dude, are you serious? Like, this

is a place of, it's kind of serious. Serious here. You're that person. We ain't that straight. You know, you're not testing. Tom, when you watch porn, do you like them little dicks or you like them big, juicy dicks? I like them big ones. Yeah, you gay as hell. Oh, shit. I didn't realize that. That means I guess you can just put it in my mouth. Jedi logic. He was smart though. He was like, did you like the dick? If you like the dick, therefore you're gay. And that guy was like, shit. By the way, apparently, Larry King is not the only person who struggles with Mark This is a name that keeps making people flib and flab and flub. Have you got a favorite movie you've watched in the last few days? My favorite I've watched in the last few days is called Spencer

Confidential with Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg. I guess Mark Wahlberg. Why is that hard? I don't know. Mark Wahlberg. Everybody's getting strokes. You know, Chris Delia, the comedian. Chris Delia. Yeah. I'm doing it because I like Mark Wahlberg. You know what I mean? But so that. Oh, we got to ask him about this. Yeah. I mean, this is a really this is crazy thing. But in more important news, our Korean food is two minutes away. Okay. So can we have someone go out and look because I know this guy's going to call not being able to find the park. Okay. Can somebody go out there? Yeah. Okay, great. Somebody's going to go out there. Oh, I didn't get to tell you about this. I don't know if I even told you this.

What's that? You know, we post promos like on Instagram for new podcasts, right? New episodes of all the podcasts. Yes. Your mom's house, two bears, where are my mom's at? And I posted one in Spanish. Instagram flagged it and took it down. What? And accused or like their reasoning was abusive and harmful language. Okay. This is the pro. I mean, Instagram does some fuckery. Okay. Dude, how is this harmful and abusive language? That's what we put up prostitute having the shitting in the hammock. No, there's no shitting

in a hammock. What are you talking about? Is that what you're talking about? No. No, that the promo is literally what you just saw. And then it just says the new episodes up. I go. It starts. It starts. She says that friend of yours must be your close friend. And she says amigo implying that it's a male. So I just respond. It's like I was reading her slang that was sent in to my email address for the Spanish podcast. And I just go, Oh, no, it's from a woman because her name is there. So I go, No, it's a woman. She's talking all Mexican. Well, I know, but but I'm telling you what happened. So I say to her, which which friend she says your friend must be your close friend. I go which one the one who

sent you all that Venezuelan slang. And then I say it's a woman. It's a woman. It's a woman. And she goes prostitute like not a woman, but a prostitute. And then that was flag. That's silly. So I laugh. Right. And then she goes, I guarantee. So she's just making me laugh with and then she goes, Where is this like good lady from? Like it's just, you know what I mean? And then for it to be flagged and then this is harmful and abusive language. It's just such a fucking bummer that there's such assholes with that shit. And they're not consistent. There's zero consistency with any of them with any of the social media platforms, you know, like this is that is the most that's something you're going to it's a violation saying like who sent this a

woman. Well, it's a prostitute. Hey, we have to take this down for harmful and abusive. I don't understand either. I don't get away with much to where my mom's at promos. If I want to wait, were you trying to promote it or you're just having it up on your? No, that was a promo just to have it on your Instagram feed. This was a promo that like it ended with a graphic that said new episode up and you weren't trying to promote it. I'm saying you weren't trying to spend money on it. No, no, no, no. Okay, that's weird. Yeah, that's super weird on the feed. Maybe they just thought they, I don't know, someone's not speaking Spanish properly, like they misinterpreted or misheard it, mistranslated it or I don't know. No, I'm just trying to think of why trying to help

you. You're not helping anything. I'm trying to think of why it may have happened that maybe somebody misunderstood. No, it happened because there is no consistency on how they practice what their rules are. So like the point is that this is not a violation of anything. And then they're taking it down saying that I use harmful and abusive language and there's no consistency to it. They just do this arbitrarily. So it's just it's just another example of how none of these fucking platforms care or pay attention to what's going on. They just, you know, I guess somebody said, Hey, we're reporting this and then they're like, Oh, yeah, this is fucking harmful and abusive language. It's total inconsistency. YouTube does it too. YouTube flags things

that have that you're like, What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, we're, we're flagging this episode for language and you're like, but we didn't say anything wrong there. Well, you talked about a topic and the topic is flag. What was the what is the deal with like coronavirus like they flag a certain coronavirus conversations? Yeah. So sometimes like if you're talking about like how like tragedies where there's lots of death involved, that is something that could limit ads or even completely demonetize you for. I mean, we've been flagged a couple of times for hate speech, even though I don't think that we have done that, you know, it's unbelievable. Scary times. It's unbelievable. I mean, and again, it's inconsistent. It's like it is okay this episode.

It's not okay the next episode. Having a conversation about something scary is a problem. It's like it. But that's what's scary when you get into what's considered offensive and what's not in this whole era, man, it's getting really scary. You know, I started reading that book about what's that fucking thing that the snowflake generation, you know, the one is a Jordan Peterson wrote. I don't know. Anyway, the the demification of this, this generation, basically, it's because of the idea of trauma that people could be traumatized by words and by ideas, right? And that's why in colleges, they have like trigger free or safe zones and shit because people get triggered or traumatized, which is so silly. They can't even handle words. So now we're deciding

what people can handle. Oh, yeah, that's not the name of that book, though. What is that called? Do I'm talking about? Yeah, no, I know it, but I don't you're not I'm tired. So I can't. Yeah, I can tell. You can tell. Yeah, you're starting to be like, let's just fucking wrap this shit up, man. The coddling of the American mind. That is it. Yes. Let's get can I ask Josh a couple questions because Josh, I want to know specifically how Josh is doing through quarantine. You know, your would you rather that you described? Yeah, I'm just living one half of that. And let's just put it this way, my parents aren't 3000. They're 3000 miles away, you know, so so you're at your poorest, not my poorest, I guess. But I yeah,

I mean, that's what I'm doing that right now. I've got the bachelor life. You know how people are like neurotically cleaning? Yeah, I'm the opposite. If you saw my apartment right now, you'd be like, this is where coronavirus was created. You're totally like letting it go. Yeah, because I it's just like, who gives you shit? Really? I'm growing my hair till this is all over too much. You're letting it grow? What? Beard too? No, not my beard. Can we get a shot of that hair? I don't know. I don't really want to. Okay, they don't if you don't want to. I'd rather let's reveal it at the end. Okay, it'll be like full doctor robot next time. Will it be embarrassing? Yeah. Yeah, it'll be like a skull it. Are you are you what are you eating now?

Whatever's around. Sometimes I forget what that it's a day. So I don't know what time it is half the time. Can you tell me what you ate yesterday like breakfast through dinner? I had a burrito yesterday. The whole day? The whole day. That's it. That's it. I day drank a lot though. What did you drink? I made cosmos. Really? Oh my god. I didn't make them someone else made them for me. And then you just passed out drunk? Yep. What time? 730 ish. Oh my god. And what time did you wake up? Around 2am. Wow, your time is just nothing. You actually are living the would you rather for real? I am exactly. Yeah, no, you were describing my existence pretty profound. Let me ask you this. Did you guys get any because it's been a happy by the way at no point would I want

to live with my parents through any of this. You actually I think might might murder someone too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, really on edge. This has been varying across the country and there's different stories. Did you get any rent notification about like I paid my rent and I am not happy about it. I'll tell you that I got any little email that was like just a reminder rents do on the first. Oh really? And I paid it but I my roommate was going to let me because like I just pay him you know and then he pays yeah the whole thing and he was like you can just slide if you if you need to I got you I was like no man I'm not I don't want that fucking weight on my shoulders right right that you're taking care of me now I have to like see him every day and

like be like and then he has that on me I don't want to is he still working. I don't know if you what he does at all at all yeah no he does background acting I don't know how that pays any bills by the way you said that you guys don't really speak much I live it's like I'm a ghost how do you live with other people that you don't I've done it my whole my whole existence of living with people don't you think some of this loneliness would be ameliorated is that the right word well this is what I was telling you would think that I would be solved I don't have what is the word you said ameliorated Chris you're smart is that I don't know what you're trying to fucking say when this problem be solved rather are ameliorated she said ameliorated that word works it just means

like ease ease and like less end so you got it right thanks guys oh okay okay um so wait a minute that is I do find it strange I don't have a problem with the loneliness I have a problem with not being able to do what I want to do which is stand up which is stand up yeah and watch sports also right that's been a big thing but this right now right now we'd be getting into both we're coming toward the end of NBA and this would be March Madness this weekend oh March Madness what would be happening right that's right right now but we'd be getting into NBA playoffs and NHL playoffs yeah baseball spring training just uh or opening day would have been this weekend and the NFL draft is happening that's going to still happen right but I'm saying that's

happening but not it's going to be like a virtual draft right like they'll they won't be I think so yeah they're not going to all be there it's going to be like they're all in the fifth round and they're getting cell phone calls you know like when they're around there that could be fun though you know it's always fun to see the families that they have and how those people act right what the families that that's all the cousin the cousin who's like we gonna be rich you know he's like so it's like are you um are you J and your D a lot yeah oh yeah I imagine my poor D is not no in that booth there must be so much J and your D's and eating going on I mean I think coming here today was the first time I'm not masturbating have you set any records I'm not

because I'm not eating so masturbating is like and I do I well I've liked it it's been a challenge for myself I like to go like can I do like eight today like are you serious I haven't gotten that high but you know wait what is what have you gotten up we're we're new in the quarantine what have you gotten up to I think I've done like in a day recently I'm talking about in this quarantine what what do you okay so like what do you consider a session do you consider the whole day no no no but I'm saying do you consider like reps of the entire 24 hour period or are you saying like in one let's say one sunrise the no sunrise the sundown now what's how many are you doing in a sitting see I've I've done like three in a sitting what during this during this so you finish just

refill the tank just kept going dude I don't know what it is I was gonna ask Dr. Drew can you get harder after you come somehow this is I think this is all related to your anxiety of the situation yeah it's 100% I'm losing my fucking mind but I mean I'm yeah wait so what's your 24 hour number for this thing probably around eight yeah like but that's why I was wondering like I said to myself could I just like I want to know how many I could just do wait Chris are you like that too no what's your record on during this I mean probably the record for me is like two a day yeah in a day yeah savage Josh jeez it's really just I am going crazy but yeah and I'm also like let's uh say fishing with a wide net in the new department uh oh yeah your dm game is strong

right now I wouldn't call it strong necessarily I would call it a bound it is uh it is a lot wait quantity has become more of a prior priority than quality so this is like you said you're killing time right now yeah it's bad you sit in your room you pull up instagram or twitter and you just start DMing yeah or I mean because it's it comes in it comes in too you know so like instead of like a normal time when I'd have like uh you know comedy or something else to occupy my my brain power I wouldn't necessarily be apt to respond perhaps to all of you know not to say that it's crazy but if there are some that I would be like I'm gonna let that one go by or whatever now I'm like fucking I don't even give a fuck what's on the other side of that thing you know

what I mean all the stragglers all the outliers like I said uh instead of fishing with just a pull it's like I'm dragging a large net behind a cruise ship and I'm just picking up tires and krill boots and shit I would love for you to send me a worst of yeah that would be so mean I would never ever do that I want to see him um so let me ask you this in you you always tell me these stories I'd be like an old man every time I talk to you about your digital love life but so are you are you doing exchanges for your like you know I mean for these nudes well when you are in a sex how does it work when you are in a sex exchange depending on the level of uh compliance that the other party has it elevates to the point where you do need to send a dick pic eventually

they they say hey where they ask once they yeah because they've been giving so much so funny that picture it like women out there was like oh I got this phone full of dick pics yeah they they're just like you a lot of women get them unsolicited which is obviously terrible I would never do that I've never done that in my life where I just send it I don't even ever want to send it I have them in my box ready to go in case they need it you know and I'm or it's required right to continue things what type of language like I'm saying specifically does a woman use when she is asking all the ones that you could possibly imagine really so some of them are more some could be coy some could be just be like let's see that dick you know what I'm saying like it goes it runs the

gamut it's all across the board may I ask you to because I'm watching that show euphoria on HBO about teenagers and they do like online stuff like this now is it the average lady who's sending you breasts and are they sending vag or just like body and you name it you name it I've seen I've gotten it and so somebody like like me like let's say I went married it's part of the game you go it's like it's like first you send your tits then you send you know your box and then you send you know what I mean like it just the the ante keeps upping as you go and you know sometimes it hits a certain ceiling because you know a human being has standards but some of them don't wow and it goes you can get all the way up to the top so you don't send a dick pic until it's requested because

like I think it's really unfair if they're sending you this material and then you're not reciprocating what what's wrong what oh he's chugging a bottle oh my god he just drank all of that I didn't even notice that you were doing that I didn't either oh josh's dick pics I got off this do you like the little ones or the big ones I'll tell you that's a guy who's really dehydrated over here I'll after my much of my quarantine that's really enticing just does ejaculating that much make you dehydrated dry mouth like crazy wait a minute let's go back here so I got I know I'm just so blown away there's so much happening uh-huh so um do you send like different states of your dick then I have some headshots that I've uh made over time uh that I go to because you can't just roll your dick out of

bed and be like here it is you know what I mean at least I can't I don't think I want it to look good I want it to be presentable that's what euphoria was there's like there's like a scene where she's explaining dick pic she's like they're either terrifying horrifying or like okay acceptable yeah so you can either be like serial killer or like their dicks are just too big or whatever I have a photogenic dick so it bodes well in my favor but you can't put it in improper setting it needs a nice I mean I've been very lucky to go on the road with your husband and he's put us in some very nice hotels that is prime dick pic time okay but where like okay so what's the background the background is though is the room I mean it's like whoa look where that dick is you know what

I'm saying right that's smart yeah do you do do you get fully nude and like put your are your naked legs in the photo the closest I've done to that was one time in like in a in a bathroom does it matter like here's one time in a bathroom I took my dick out and I did a up shot so my face was in it and that one I sent to like a few people that one was my go to for a second so it was a camera under your dick yes and it's like okay yeah and it's like it's a pretty good one but uh yeah and most of them are above the dick and what's your facial expression when you're doing yeah that one was like it was kind of like a candid I tried to make it look like a candid you know like a real quick like oh like that's the only one I've ever had yeah were you

looking into the camera or no yeah you kind of like look down at it you know what's up like it's not I'm not saying my tactics are the best by the way so don't judge I would I think I would like to do underneath but then look menacingly at the camp yeah you could do that like I'm gonna fuck you with this thing yeah like a real dungeon ship maybe like hold it and then have the one hand on my nipple and like oh that's gay that's a great idea that's gay and women don't want well I don't like little dicks like big dicks because the thing is too as a lady getting a dick pic mm-hmm yeah there's certain it's very touchy you know I don't think I want to see your face and I'd like to see your balls too because I want to know what your balls now that is not a request I've had that's so interesting

you want the balls much you want the balls in of course because I have had dick stitches where the balls ruined the dick stitch you know I mean like the balls were too big in proportion to their d's and it wasn't good huh really it wasn't good it ruined the d because the balls were too big wow it's true that's why I told you you have nice balls remember that bit that you had yes that literally because I have had bad balls that have ruined the d had bad balls yeah I had a girl tell me that she loves big balls like big ones you know you have an unimpressive dick when women compliment your balls that was that was the premise yeah oh really yeah of course when they're like great balls you're like thanks you like what that's actually I think the opposite because I have

nice balls like that they're sewn together the stitches are probably a taut sack yeah I guess I like them high and tight a taut sack also I like medium sized nuts and I don't want them too big and hang me do you prefer a left to a right hang at all that's irrelevant they could be symmetrical you said you know people don't want big ones that like big balls yeah a girl told me one time she's like I love huge balls okay this is in a conversation like you were talking about balls we were talking about sex stuff yeah she was like I love huge balls I talked to a girl one time who told me she just loved balls in general like that she was like I love balls on my face I love I love them there are some indeed true true ball hogs out there there are yeah but uh Christina was asking

before I don't I'm going to give up a dick pic secret out there a trade secret oh if you uh and you know it could throw my stock under the bus you know what I'm saying but I have had some good reviews of my dick in person so I'm not worried about sharing this false advertising uh yeah it's it is nice like you were mentioning the hand position right so do you do you hold it because that way you're showing scale yes exactly but you kind of can cheat it a little bit I wish I was out there to show you with something else but hold something up in the like grab something in the booth say this is my dick like the people at home are going to be able to see perfectly you want to grab it at the base with your index and middle finger at the base so that the other fingers are

like on your pubis yes because then it looks like you've got your whole hand on it right but really you know what I'm saying yes you're giving the illusion you're giving the illusion that you're cranking it and then but and you got the rest of that real estate there so the lesson here is hold the base with index and middle finger or or like if you're thumb like just make sure you're not like you don't want to what I'm saying is you don't want to have the whole hand in there and then you got nothing coming out because then they go well look at his hand I know where they can scale it a little too good right you know what I'm saying and I'm lucky I have small hands and my dick looks big in them yeah and what about lighting lighting is key too I mean you don't want that flash to

just be like it's like shit then all the veins it's all kind of makes you think of those pornos though when they go like oh three four you know yeah all those hands oh yeah no of course you ever seen those yeah she's about to she's like well that's pretty big and then he's like she's like here's my arm if there was a way I could photoshop a bunch of hands onto my make it look like scale you know you know what you should do you should get a girl to do the arm thing you know next yeah arm thing where they they're like this is bigger than your arm and the girl holds up her arm next to the guy she's like this looks like it's gonna hurt man you really are gay huh you're looking at those ones those are the best ones those big dicks those are the best porns

yeah I mean oh you have sorry I'm not into your fucking sister hey I'm just saying you're super gay that's all how am I super gay because you like there's those arm dicks I like big d's too and porn who doesn't like who wants to watch little dick porn I I don't watch any dick in my porn so I'm like the strangest guy I've ever heard I watch all lesbians that's weird too that's the weirdest and what's the point of watching that it's the best don't you want to see a d go into a v that's the whole if you're hetero I mean they have fake ones fake d's oh come on dude I I mean it doesn't you know what you're not gay you're pathetic okay you're watching fucking lesbian porn with strap on god I love it really I fucking do I don't know I don't know

I don't know I don't know wait okay yeah so do you send a fresh d pic every time a woman that's another thing because you know trade secret you can't it's okay I'll let it go you can't just take your dick out and take a picture of it sometimes you know sometimes you're on the bus sometimes you're walking down the street you should you should get the most pathetic picture of your dick just to see what the response would be like in terms of what like like when a girl's like send me a dick pic and just take a picture of your dick when it just woke up and it still got sleep in its eyes and it's just like what's going on and be like here you go just see if they're like what the fuck I I've sent those kinds of ones to friends

like because I know I would have to do where your dick is just the smallest ever ever been I've taken those I've just been like wow my dick is like hiding in my body and I have to take a picture of it and then I go to my I send it to my friend I go look how small my dick is I've had that's the most fun to do that's what I was saying I remember one time I went to get to the doctor and you know he was just like I'll be right back like just you know get naked for the physical and I've been like oh come on and I've seen it so small that I told the doctor of like when he came in I'd be like have you ever seen a dick this small dick doctor dick is the smallest of dicks I feel like oh my god it is because there's your mind

and your and your body are like there's like the last thing entering any type of thought is anything sick you know there's no blood going there or like it's cold in the room and it's fucking or like post-surgery dick like when you're like when they when you're when you're vulnerable too so you're like in a robal vulnerable and your dick is just like you know what I mean it's just so but back to your pics yes do you I would imagine that you would always send an erect penis because that's the most attractive why are you set you're not sending a limp one right well sometimes they want they want to see the different stages of your day that's crazy what do you mean you know like let's see it get hard or whatever like that kind of women are or like they want to

see the final let's see it get hard yeah yeah yeah so you got to do one of those like live photos or whatever like one of those wait but why don't you just meet up and then they can see it and like are they still far away yeah are they still assessing whether or not they want to sleep with you like what's the utility this is the game right yeah no this is just for fun and for fun and I'd imagine I don't know that women okay I don't know I don't imagine that women get off necessarily to dick pics I think they just want it as a part of the ransom like as like I gave up mine here's I want something from me I think so because I wouldn't trust anybody if I was sending my body in my veg like what what assurances do they have that you're not sending that to everybody zero

percent but I think that's now everyone just wants to see each other naked and that's fine like I don't know I you were talking about do I take a fresh one every time I didn't really now iPhone tries to fuck your shit up because it tells you where and when you took a picture and when you send it to somebody it's like this was taken on this day and blah blah blah it tells you in the in the so you crop it out right well no the information of the five it's embedded in the thought in the photo yeah so we'll trick of the trade folks if you want to pretend it's new just screenshot that dick pic on your phone and you the date chain it refreshes it so it makes it look like it happened just then in there baby I feel like chris is learning right

next to me I see a learner's permit face coming on he's like hmm nice but yeah so I'm going to want to see you grow some some of them want to see it all the way some of them want some of them say they're like show me what it's like when it's not hard and I don't ever fuck with I you know I lie with that one obviously I cheat that shit I just I this generate I cannot I can't fathom that this is acceptable behavior this is crazy to me yeah it's just crazy no one's embarrassed they're ashamed anymore why not change it is totally they're not ashamed anymore it's interesting it's fascinating to me literally everyone sends nudes I feel like I guess and if they don't I I don't I almost kind of find it how I'm like they're like I'm not sending you a nude and I then

I'm like oh you will so like you're interested then if they're no no so you mean to tell me it's not like one of those enticement things where they could be like I'm not going to send you on and then it makes me want to chase them harder I don't I don't get down with that kind of thing yeah that bitch has got too much self-esteem so if Tom if Tom and I were dating today by today's dating standards he and I let's say are DMing or texting let's say we're texting yeah what I have seen his dick in balls and he's seen my titties and stuff before we even hooked up before we maybe even met what in person I mean there's tons of Chris is this true is this what your generation's doing no see that's the thing is like you're you're asking a derelict yeah homeless this guy lives

in the coronavirus epicenter in his apartment yeah he doesn't clean up he eats once a day he jerks off eight he's like this is how it goes he doesn't know you watch this fucking lesbian porn he's a psycho that's the weirdest thing about you I know you hate that so much it makes me so angry I don't know why it's artistic I think it's so fucking artistic I just don't feel like a guy I know he likes women but it makes me doubt that it's real like a guy but your your image of lesbian porn is like from the 90s I mean like you're thinking it's like I don't know no I've changed I've seen it I've seen the recent stuff I've looked it up it's more upsetting that I immediately throw my computer across I say what I don't like about lesbian porn is that it's too theatrical and it's

so fake that's that's where I'm saying that's where you're wrong that's that's the misnomer you're wrong or that's the misconception excuse me so over the top we'll look some up today okay yeah come on we'll do a full review open your horizons while you're corning open your hot in your arms he said he doesn't like pop shots you know that's the whole reason you watch porn is to see the right you don't like the gist shot I mean it's not that I don't like it it just doesn't do anything for me it is fun and you can't come it's fun once in a while yeah that's why he likes it because there's no dick there's no dick pressure in lesbian porn right it's all fingers and tongues and shit so he doesn't feel the pressure to right it's my favorite things to do in sex too right

because there's no pressure to come yeah so you can remain unable to connect you'd love it because you're a lesbian that's what I said yeah you're a lesbian yep oh that makes you identify I sure do as a lesbian yep all right we gotta go you're the worst thanks and for the record somebody sent me a fucking tweet or an email saying that I misused the word chode this is not true someone's like Christina thought that chode meant taint and that is a hundred percent fucking true because in the 90s it was the taint is the chode and now it's a hockey puck dick or whatever they change the definition yeah chode was used that way it really was it really was kids yeah if you say so oh my god how old are you 31 oh wow young young

and chris how's chris uh 29 tomorrow tomorrow happy birthday oh chris maybe josh will say you some lesbian links and you can uh celebrate watching completely underwhelming porn if it sounds fun yeah I don't like lesbian porn either it's so boring it's for fucking mouth breathers yeah it's just not I like to see a healthy d in there I like to see 10 or 12 healthy ds and one lady enjoying their time together gentlemen wearing timbalands and socks and gold chains just one lady's company who doesn't enjoy that of course wholesome activities josh elementary it's so fucking ridiculous elementary school elementary school do you send dick pics no no you don't no have you ever sent one uh there was one time I sent a tease

which is I just didn't send the whole thing just the head just the middle of the shaft really don't see where it starts you don't see where it ends but you do know that it exists okay so sneaky and what she sent you I mean yeah some nudes oh okay you're like here's the fucking no yeah it's never it's never my idea to send it I got it's only when it's just like all right I sent you my shit like what are you sending it's just like all right so crazy we're all here sorry here just to spice it up if you follow me on instagram I'll uh I'll be sending uh six random followers shaft pics okay the middle of the shaft just to get it out there spice it up all right um this was a lot of fun thanks for listening please check out ball hog on netflix if you have not yet it's my

new special um please go to merchmethod.com slash tom segura and what else gene where my mom's at do you say did you say that I don't think so where my mom's at and I got a mother inferior in the degenerates on netflix if you're bored if you haven't seen it already there you go enjoy your quarantine we'll see you guys very soon here is corona cure by kary gasm and g jovi you're home for the emergency corona virus corona virus you're home for the emergency corona virus corona virus most doctors wear red shoes looks like a doctor you're home for the emergency looks like a doctor

stroking and stroking almost too much to handle but there's only one way to find out okay