Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 549 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

Are you following proto and wearing masks in your car while you drive alone with the windows up? We find out how Mommy Tommy celebrated his quarantine birthday, and oh boy.... has 10mg Tom joined us on the podcast!? Many people paid tribute to Tom’s birthday, plus we hear the voice of an old friend. We discover a brand new cool guy and also discuss more possible virus cures.

What's up there, Chummos? A huge reminder, you don't need to wear a mask when you drive. You mean when I'm alone in my car, I don't have to protect myself from my own air? Nope. You can just put it on, you know, after you get out of the car. We saw the dumbest human on the planet trying to get out of the Starbucks parking lot. You know, and they can't... You can see her stupid mouth was open under her dumb mask. Uh. Uh.

God. I know. Just fucking take your mask off in your car. You're not going to get COVID from your AC. You stupid piece of shit. Yeah. God, I wish you did. I wish you had it for being so fucking stupid.

Stupid cunt. I also have... Now in California, in LA County, we're supposed to wear them just going out walking the dog. Which I think is kind of overkill. Let's be real here. But are the virtue signalers in our neighborhood, they get on the next door app and they fully call you out. Yeah, they sure do. Retarded, retarded.

Yeah. They're dumb. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think many people are getting COVID from walking outside in the open air. No, you don't get it that way. Really? You didn't? Yeah.

That's not how you get it. Can't get it from your own car? This is a high transmission rate and you do get it if you're in a space with somebody who's breathing it and has it. But when you stand outside of your house in the open air, it doesn't just magically appear. Right. But then again, I'm not an infectious disease doctor, so don't take my advice on anything. No. Wear your masks in your car.

This is a smart thing to do. Wear your masks in the shower in case it comes in through the drain. Put a mask on your dog when your dog goes for a walk. Makes a lot of sense. Mask your babies too. The smaller, the better. Yup. You want a newborn with a mask.

I know that they are saying the main thing to do is wear a mask in bed right when you go to sleep, put the mask over your face so that the virus doesn't creep into your house at night and it affects you while you're sleeping. Also, sleep in a separate room from your spouse. You shouldn't be sleeping together at this point. Makes a lot of sense. You spend time together during the day in your house, like in the kitchen. Quarantine. In the living room. One of the things that makes a lot of sense would be at the end of the day to go to separate rooms and sleep separately.

So that the virus that you picked up during the day while you were together isn't transmitted to each other overnight. Am I fucking making your brain seizure right now? I hope so. God. Can't be careful enough, Tom. Happy Smurf Day. You're 41 years old. 41.

You're almost dead. You're halfway to dead. Yeah, I would say. It really is, by the most standards, about the halfway dead point. It definitely is. I mean, if you're lucky enough to make it through your 70s in somewhat decent shape, you're going to die in your 80s, most likely. Most likely, yeah. I saw somebody yesterday trending was their 98th birthday.

That's terrible. Sounds pretty bad. What's the point of that? Sounds terrible. You know, I was talking to Dr. Drew yesterday and he mentioned that in the year 1900, the average lifespan was 45 max. In 1900? Yeah. Wasn't that right, Native?

Were you listening to that yesterday? Yeah, that sounds right. Really? Yeah. And that's 1900. That doesn't sound right. No. He was talking about the show, The Nick.

And the surgeon was giving a speech and he's like, we can expect to live. A mere four percent. By 1910, the life expectancy for white men grew by two years and those born in 1910, the expectancy was to live to 49. Fuck. So you're almost dead. Well, I know. And I remember that when we were like teenagers, life expectancy was, you know, most of the time, early 70s for men and mid 70s for women. They already bumped up.

You know, most life expectancy in the developed world is into like the 80s now. But, you know, our children aside, don't you feel like, I do feel like I've lived enough life. I mean, I'm not saying I want to die, but I feel like I've done it all. Don't you feel, I do feel a weird sense of like, this is going on too long. Like I should be dead by now, right? Well. I'll be 44 this June. I don't know that you should be dead by now.

I feel like I have done enough shit. Oh, yeah. I mean, I want to live to see my children grow up and I want grandchildren other than that. I'm fucking like, dude, I've done it all. Like I should not live past 44. I've been busy enough. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm serious. I know. I know. I feel it. I feel like I should not be here this long. Yeah. Well, you know, there's an easy way to get. I don't want to die though.

I'm not saying I want to. But some days I'm like, fuck, how much longer is this going to go on? Up in front of a train is not that long. I'm afraid to try to kill myself because what if I mess it up and then now you're just horribly disfigured. I know. I know someone had happened to shut the front door. One of my friends in college, his uncle shot himself in the head and didn't die.

That's the worst. I laughed pretty hard when he told me and it definitely soured our relationship. Really? Are you being serious? Yeah, he was kind of upset. Yeah. You know what? It's funny though.

I had to explain to him why it's funny. Yeah. It's horrible. And then he was like, I think it would, after I explained to him, he goes, I think it would be maybe funny if it wasn't my uncle. Right. Yeah, I could see that. And then that's what I said.

I said, I could see that too. I go, I'm not going to laugh in front of you anymore about it. Yeah. It's a little insensitive. Yeah. I shot himself in a park in the head. That's bad to do it in public. That's not fair.

Yeah. Kids around. Now he's still around. And what's his condition like? Not the smartest guy in the room. Does he have, can he like talk? Yeah. Sounds.

Oh, fuck. Can he get around or is he like in a wheelchair? Can he walk? I'll retarget. Yeah. Yeah. Just to be clear, I'm not like suicidal by any stretch, but there are days where I'm just tired.

Of course. How much longer? How many more fucking sandwiches am I going to eat? Well, how many more trips can we take? You know what I mean? This might give you some perspective. I just want to like kind of take it back to a pure place. Oh.

Ready? Sure. Remember that? Yeah. I pooped in there because I couldn't get out. I was having an accident. So I pooped on the floor and covered it with a weight mat. And I wiped my butt with my hands.

And I had to use the punching bag to wipe my smear, my shit on. You remember that day? This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone muckin' to this. Oh my God. Don't muck in the fucking stand. Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. What up?

What up? That was our boy. That's the main fucking man right there. How do you get a job here, your fuck face? A lot of conspiracy theories. If you're, you know, you're online, you're watching the news. People have proposed the idea that, you know, the Chinese government leaked the coronavirus. Yes, I've heard that.

There's people who think it's a hoax altogether. And some people have even gone as far as proposing the idea that Fed smoker is behind this all. Well, that doesn't make sense. You sort of perfectly checked out in time to not have to deal with the repercussions. And I have a feeling that in a few months when all this goes away, someone's going to pop their head back into view and go, ha, ha, ha. Guess what I did? We'll be like, Connell, what did you do?

Do you think he released it in that jug that was in his hand on the side of the road? It could have been the origin of it all. It could have been. I'm letting it out. I mean, have you seen this clip yet when I was playing? No. He's playing a recording of a call. That's what he's doing in this video.

Oh. So there's a camera recording a tape recorder of a call that he plays. I share a phone record on the first one. It says something about the fact that he is upset with me for taking a crap in your weight room. Do you remember that time when I had to kind of crap in your weight room because I was locked in there? No, I'm not. Do you remember that? Yeah, I pooped in there because I couldn't get out and I was having an accident.

So I pooped on the floor and covered it with a weight mat and I wiped my butt with my hands and I had to use the punching bag to wipe my smear, my shit on. Do you remember that day? I remember that day. And he grinds his teeth. Who was he talking to? I think he's talking to a sheriff. No.

I think he's talking to someone that arrested him that put him in the weight room. Remember that? Yeah. You remember that when I shit on your phone? Yeah, that was a good one. Yeah. But he was put into a weight room. It sounds like a gym.

Yeah. And he wiped his hand on the head. Remember when I shit put the weight mat over my shit and I wiped with my hands and then I had to use the punching bag to smear the shit off my hands. Do you remember that? No, I know. I couldn't use the weight room for about a week after that and I apologize. By the way, I got to where I could fucking hit the fucking weight bag twice

and not get clear up to the ceiling and bust the fluorescent lights. I am so confused. I feel like I don't. He had an intrusive thought that he remembered that in the weight room he could punch it so hard that it would break the lights on the ceiling. Yeah. And he stopped recording that to tell you before he went back to it. Wouldn't it be the best though if he dropped the video right now?

I'm sorry. If Connell dropped the video right now. Oh yeah, that'd be great. He's like, hey fuckers. I'm back, you fuckers. But I'm just trying to like, even just listening to him talk, I feel the mania in his brain. Like if you just kind of like relax and let hit and go with his energy.

It's not good energy. You're like, wow, I'm exhausted. Like that was, that was a lot. He's got a lot going on. He was keyed up like that 24 seven. Well, if you keep smoking, you stay keyed up. If you don't dial back your meth intake, then it stays like that. Yeah, he was so pumped.

He's fired up in the recording and then he's fired up listening to it. And he's like, by the way, I was able to punch that bag so fucking hard it would break the fluorescent lights. You know that energy level really reminds me of that guy that Tony was his name from the East Coast, like in a different, like at the happiness level in that guy. Remember when he was like, I love you. I love you. I'm having a good day.

I'm having a good day. Dude, this is beer. I remember that guy. Nuh-uh. Is it? Yeah. Sarface beer? That's beer.

Are you taking your milligrams today, Tom? Take a sip. Okay. We got Zarface. Dude, this is so cool looking. Beer? I thought it was canned water. Sarface.

Bent. It says bent water. Bent water. Damn, homie, that's beer. Yeah. That should taste good. It is good. Look at how cool and artistic that is, too.

Good job. There you go. From our homie, Sheamus. Thanks, man. Shout out to Zarface. Yeah, bros. The Bizarro video and your bent water. I haven't seen you drink a beer in a while.

I've seen you get high lately. Real high? 10 milligram Tom high. How are you doing with that? It's been great. Because you take it at night and we lay down and we watch our 90 day fiance before the 90 days. Yeah.

And I'm like, are you ripped now? And you're like, no, it takes an hour. It takes an hour. Well, I like to take it well ahead of the time that I want to go to sleep so I can watch something and then I get tired and then I fall asleep. Gotcha. But I've been falling asleep because of it way earlier. Yeah, that's good for you, though.

Yeah. Well, we're up early, so that's good. Yeah. But we were watching 90 day fiance before the 90 days. Wait, did you take your milligrams today? Yeah. For the show? Yeah.

When is it going to kick in? I don't know. When did you take it? Right before we started recording. I can't wait. Will you tell us when it comes on? Yeah. Sure.

I think you might figure it out on your own, too. I don't know. Really? Okay. I'll tell you why. Because I love 10 milligram ton because you get happier, sillier, more fun. I mean, you're really a delight high. You fucking described a lot better person.

Yeah. It's kind of like pre-lexipro, Christina, and then after-lexipro. It's like a big difference. True. All right, cool. But we were watching 90 day fiance before the 90 days. It's fantastic. So this dipshit who's trying to find Lana, his girl on the interwebs.

Can you pull up and see if there's a clip? So it's before the 90 days, David and Lana. Let's see if they have a fucking clip of this guy. Oh, my God. Dude, it's so embarrassing. I have to say of all people. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that top one there, I think.

So this guy, she stands them up for the fourth time and then you watch the show and it happens more than four times. Four, five times. So this is the guy that we last spoke about. By the way, I've been getting a lot of messages from people being like, you fucking have hooked me on before. I know. You guys talked about it.

We watched it and now they're obsessed with it. This guy is 60. He lives in Las Vegas. I want to say he had an engineering job. How what? Are you working? This guy's an engineer? I don't think he's an engineer, but I thought he worked in that field.

Yeah, computer programming. Wait a minute. He's an intelligent person. Yes. Yeah. I mean, he has a skill set. That's a better way of putting it. He's not necessarily an intelligent person, but he has a skill set, right?

But this guy's not like, he's not, yeah, totally talked, fully talked. But so to set it like just to reiterate, if you missed it before, he's 60. He's been chatting with a woman in the Ukraine for seven years on a chat site that you pay to chat on. They've never spoken or communicated outside of that paid chat site. They never took it to email, to Facebook, to phone calls, to texts. Never. It's only there.

And for seven years, they've communicated through that format every time. So he's spent over six years. She is 28 and has sent photos of herself that are just like a stunning blonde. There she is. Okay. So he's like, this is my girlfriend. We chat all the time on the chat site. Now they've tried to meet up, prior to this latest trip, they've tried to meet up three

times before this trip. Three times in seven years. One time her brother died. One time she needed surgery or something. One time she fell down the stairs and he's flown abroad to meet her. Flown to, what is it? The Ukraine. Odessa.

Yeah. And she's like, or like he's been on the way and it got canceled. And his friends are like, hmm, all these things are kind of adding up to a pretty obvious outcome here. And this time he flies there, they're supposed to meet at a train station, right? She's supposed to arrive from her town to the main train station in Odessa. She'll wear a blue dress on the 9 a.m. train. He goes there.

He waits for like two hours. She never shows up. Then he goes, he's like, I'm so upset. I don't know where this relationship is going. And she doesn't communicate with him on the site for a couple of days. This is an American guy in the Ukraine. Right. And just so he's just...

Not a safe thing to do in America. You can get snatched up, kidnapped. It's not a good place for America. But she's also like, I mean the level of disrespect to... To fly across the world. To let somebody, yeah, just dismiss them. And then also just leave them hanging. Then she gets on and communicates with him and she's like, so do you want to get together

again? Or like, do you want to do this? She's like, do you want to take the photos and continue with the visa? Because that's the whole reason now. Right. And he's like, oh, this is the best day ever. He doesn't even feel... So relieved that she's contacted him.

That she just gave him contact. And then everything's like okay again. It really feels like mommy's back. Right. He's like, oh, thank God we're back on. I thought she'd left me. He really felt relief. He felt total relief.

Which is crazy. And doesn't feel the anger or insecurity that most would feel about the situation. She doesn't go and be like, where were you? What happened? And he's afraid to ask her those questions because he's like, she's going to disappear. It's so dysfunctional. It's so fucked up. I bet he had alcoholic parents, but anyway, go ahead.

So then he has the next thought is that, so the main city, oh, there's Kiev, right? That's Ukraine. That's where she is. Is that what she is in Kiev? No, not Kiev. I'm saying in the Ukraine, I'm thinking of the big cities, right? Kiev. Odessa.

Odessa. So then she says she's from a smaller town. Like Polinka or something tiny, Palychky or some shit. So he's like, I'm going to go meet her, surprise her in her small town. And he has a Ukrainian friend who's like, that's not a good place to go. It's a war zone. It's a, yeah, the Russians are like, are in there. It's a, it's kind of, there's bad roads.

It's kind of lawless. And someone could snatch you up and never give you back. And he's like, I love her though. So. Really? Yeah. They're like, it's a bad idea. And he's in a shitty Ukrainian rental car and he decides to drive at night.

So he's now driving in the middle of nowhere. Overnight's a good time to do this. Overnight. And what happens? He gets a flat tire, of course. So of course I'm sure the crew loves him. Pulls over on this shit highway, changes his tire himself. And then he's like, dude, what do you think for Lana?

Just so happy to meet my lady. And then he drives to this town. She doesn't know he's driving to the town, right, Lana. He drives to the town. He gets a hotel and he's like, all right, I'm going to commute. She hasn't been online. So he's finally. He can't get ahold of her.

Right. Cause she says she's not on the site. Yeah. He always has to wait until she's online. So this poor. He just checks in. He's like, she's not online. Yeah.

This poor baboon has to open up the thing. It's online. No. No. Meanwhile, days are going by. Days in a foreign country. He's in Ukraine. After his, oh, like, no, moment, he's just like, try again tomorrow.

I'm in the Ukraine again for today. Just not. He's terrible. He's not interested in culture, in learning, but he just wants to see her. So he drives to the small town. He gets a hotel, check. And then after a couple of days, he's like, she's online. So she finally is like, do you want to, he's like, I'm in your town.

So they agree to meet at a restaurant at 2 PM at this little cafe and he shows up there and he gets a bottle of champagne. Hold on. Before that, he gets nine roses, which is an interesting count. I didn't even know they sold them in nine. Yes. He's very specific about that. Yeah.

What? Is there a thing for nine roses? Just 12. I almost got you a dozen roses. I've never heard somebody say that. Oh, there you go. What does nine roses mean? On the people ask.

What's that? You said, I almost got you nine roses. The traditional three months, nine roses, a big jump from six, nine symbolizes eternal love or I want to be with you forever. It does symbolize something. What? It does symbolize it. What's the dozen?

The dozen's been. The dozen's always been like the standard order. The dozen's like, bitch, I already got you. This has more symbolism. I have to give it to David. He maybe learned this in his computer programming. I can't believe he's a programmer. That's nutty.

The fact that he knows nine roses means that is kind of actually surprising. Maybe he's like a savant. No. You know what I mean? Like a fully talked. No. And like he knows everything about flowers and we don't know it's the Ukrainian sales lady.

She's like, do you want to get one rose or nine and nine symbolize a hundred? You think so? The gypsy told him? Yeah. The gypsy lady. So this sad fucking guy. He goes to the restaurant. He has his second shirt with him.

So he's like, I brought a second shirt because I'm going to sweat so much. And he goes to the bathroom at the restaurant, changes shirts, washes out his armpits in the sink. He's so nervous because she's going to show up any minute. It's down there and he waits. This is. Okay. So three times before the show is filmed, she stands him up the train station in Odessa.

She doesn't show up. That's for he drives to this town, waits in the restaurant. She doesn't show up. That's the fifth time she doesn't show up. He's like, I'm starting to think that I don't know what's going to happen next in our relationship. I don't even know. I'm just starting to think something's not that I'm getting a host. No, not something, but he's just like, I don't know if Lana's into it.

He still thinks there's a Lana, which is crazy at this point. There is no Lana. It's a fat Ukrainian guy on the other end. Like have these people. He's an engineer. Has he not heard of Google image search, the reverse search where you put in the photo and it. Nope.

So then you're like, okay, it's in raging, but at this point, I'm furious. He's like, I found an email where she'd given me her address. I'm just going to go to her place now. I'm going to, I'm going to, I want her to tell me face to face what's going on with our relationship. First of all, but, but here's the deal, man. If you ever need somebody to tell you face to face what's going on, don't make the trip. You know what's going on.

They ain't India. It's not happening. If you're like, they need to tell me for the eighth and final time that they don't want to do this. They don't want you. It don't go. Don't go. So he shows up to a terrifying building in the Ukraine that is just gray and sad and

broken and depressing and you're like, this is where horror movies are filmed. And then he just, he's like, wow, we're on a lift and then he goes and he knocks on that door. And I think this is like the teaser for the next episode because you see him walking out and he's like, I'm starting to get upset about this. You know what happened about him though of what David is. I got so angry at his stupidity and as a little time has passed, it's morphed into sadness. Really?

Yeah. I mean, like I can still work myself up into anger for him, but I'm more like, I'm more sad. And it reminds me of, you know, sometimes like that happens and you get mad about something and then you're like, oh, it's actually like a real bummer. You know? Yeah. Yeah.

Like somebody's life, you know, you get mad at them and then you just feel sad for it. You feel bad. That's what's happened with David. Now what's interesting is I feel the opposite. Really? I used to feel sad for him. Now it's descending into rage because it's like, bro, you're 60 years old, you're a grown ass man.

You know what I was supposed to marry not a lot of seven years ago. Yeah. You're not that stupid. Are you really? Well, that's how I got sad. I think I got sad because I thought like, come on, you can't be this fucking stupid. And then when I see how stupid he is, it's morphed into sadness. Yeah, I'm totally.

Wow, it's a total opposite. Now I'm going into rage. Yeah. Because how many examples do you need? How many times do you have to get kicked in the head before you're like, we should stop getting kicked in the fucking head? Well, I think with him, it really makes you kind of go, wow, the power of our minds. Of denial.

Yeah. Because it is obvious to everybody, but his level of delusion, the full scope of his denial, it's impressive. Yeah. Yeah, it is. You know what it reminds me of too? We were talking about this on the way in, that dynamic of the horrible, the terrible woman and the sweet guy, like Big Ed and his rosemary, she could not give a rip about

him. No. She is not warm, not effective. Big Ed's a sweet guy. Sweetest guy on the planet. So there's something to that maybe, that unattainable, like he just keeps, he can't help himself. Yeah.

He keeps hoping that mommy's going to show up. It's going to be okay. Yeah. It's some deep wiring, but I don't know, man, but he's a real TikTok. He is really. This guy's fully talked and like, even like with the first image, the first one, like the first time that that woman had centered her picture. Yeah, you know that's not her.

There's no way. You know that's not her. It's no way. Everybody, like if you open it. There's spam tweets and Instagrams where it's like, they comment, you know, if you, if you have a lot of followers, you'll start to see like, go to my stories and then you go to that page and it's like six pictures like that, you know, in a row, oh, it's a spam account.

It's a lie. Well, yeah. How come? Whatever. It is enraging. I don't like him. Cause I was thinking, what I was actually thinking was that David might be like this, you know.

The world's only female autistics of on twins, genius, smart and intelligent. Give them a date and they will instantly compute the day of the week. November 30th, 1938. Oh, yeah, Wednesday. Oh, they're so cute. I know. And isn't it unbelievable that somebody can do that? Yes.

You could never practice to do that. Yes. You ever seen the math ones? Two, like they're doing, that's a form of math, I guess, but it's like, there's people who you can just throw numbers at to multiply and they're like, it's 328,600, you're like, what the fuck, man? Oh, yeah. There is a disorder.

The woman who was on taxi, the red-haired woman, forget her name, she's able to recall every day of her life in explicit detail. Yeah. You can say November 3rd, 1972, she's like, I woke up at 8 a.m., I had oatmeal for breakfast, I wore a pink shirt. There's like 20 people in the world that have that where I forget the name of it. It's a type of memory, like miraculous thing that happens where they remember, yeah, but it's more that it's not that.

It's not simply that. They don't forget a single thing. That's horrifying. They don't forget anything. If you go like, what happened, like she said 20 years ago, they're like, then we stopped at that place and you said, let's get directions and I spoke to the guy and he, and like, literally remember everything. Which is cape?

I mean, which is crazy because- And that is right. She was one of the actresses who has that. She was an actress on taxi, yeah. Which has to be great for memorizing dialogue. I've thought about that too. But like, retarded savants. Yeah.

Idiot savants, retarded savants, talented immense. That's, I mean, that's only six-year-old article and they were saying retarded savants and now they're like, you know, not. Although N.K. can name the artist of any song from the 60s, 70s, or 80s. Hold me tight. Johnny Nash. Johnny Nash. Lady willpower.

The union gap. A place in the sun. Are you Diana Ross? Diana Ross? Diana Ross? Oh my God. I love them. I mean-

I love it. They're so cute. I want them. Can I have them? When I volunteered at a special school in high school, I volunteered as a senior and we had to do some volunteer work. So I went to this special needs school and there was a guy who would do front to back, word for word, nonstop, Bill Cosby himself, the special.

Oh my God, really? Yeah. And he was like, you would walk into a room and he would be like in the eighth minute of it and then you walk out, come back and he would just, and then he would be distracted by things. And then if somebody was like, can you do that Bill Cosby special again? He would just start word for word with the pauses and everything. Yeah.

It's pretty amazing. And I was like, what the fuck man? Like I never- I'm going to do that with your acts. Do you think I can memorize all your hours and then I'll just do that? Yeah. How horrible would that be? That'd be great.

It'd be like- Start. Go ahead. Okay. Hold on. What's the one I saw yesterday? What's it like to smoke crack? It's like.

Woo! Woo! And then stuff my dick in her mouth. What? No. And then you ever put your balls on your face? Okay. Make your wife smell it.

Okay. In some ways they are retarded and in some ways they're geniuses. Now I know why you put that in your- that was great. That was great. Can I see that again? In some ways they are retarded and in some ways they're geniuses. Aren't we all? Aren't we all?

Yeah. That's a good point. It just depends on the day you find me, you know. Oh, I'm retarded today. Today is not a quick day for me. They are retarded. But they're adorable aren't they? They're the most adorable.

When they look up and they go, Diane and Ross, they have to look up for the answer, which is so sweet. And you could easily be having a conversation about like anything else and you'd be like there's no way these two are capable of any of this, you know. And then it would just shift if you were like, hey, who sings that song? And then you'd be like, oh, and then they just, you're like naming any song ever for three decades? It's pretty great.

Wild man. It's amazing. I wish I had any ability like that. I wonder if they could even name like obscure, like if it really covers, is it top 40 hits or is it any song? I have to imagine it's what they heard growing up. That's what I think. It's like, it's what you know, because they must have just sat and listened to the radio

probably because they probably like the repetition or something. And that's, that's amazing. It's unbelievable. It's amazing. Some ways there, you know. Yeah. You had a Smurf day. Yeah.

Happy Smurf. And you know, quarantine B days are probably not that different than regular B days for you. For a guy like me who doesn't socialize because really like you've never been a party guy. So for me to arrange a party, it'd be upsetting. It would be. Let's talk about how upsetting it would be if you arrange a party for me. I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing?

Why are you doing this to me? Well, one time I did do a birthday surprise party at that restaurant and I could tell you were visibly miserable. Even though it was like our closest, it was like Burton Lee and like your cousin, Brian. And I thought I'd, you know, we were dating. So I, I don't think we were married yet. We were still in silver like, and I could tell you were so uncomfortable and the whole time I was like, you having fun and you're like, yeah, like you were so ready to go

home. So after that, I learned that parties off the table, maybe at best we would have gone to like a steakhouse for your birthday, order some like butter cake and that and call it a night. That sounds a good one. Yeah. Right. That's what I like.

Yeah. Then maybe we, we F before dinner, which is always the rule. You got to fuck before you. Yeah. Otherwise you're all full and you're like, I think I'm a puke. Plus you fart a lot. Everything gives you gas. So after we have meat and vegetables, I get to hear about, oh, I got the meat farts.

I got the meat farts. Now that was a meat fart. I'm like, it's meat farts. I ate that cake. That's a cake. Sweet farts. I got sugar. Sugar will make you.

It doesn't. Sugar does. Sugar makes no one fart. Does sugar make anybody in the booth fart? No. No. No, it doesn't make me fart. It doesn't make me fart.

It gives me diarrhea. And it gives me, I want to be clear about something. It gives me relentless, unforgivable diarrhea. Are you sure it's the sugar? Yes. Sugar. It's not like butter. Here's why I know it's sugar.

Because I have actually various times in my adult life cut out sugar completely. Yeah. And it completely goes away. And then I introduce sugar and it is volatile. And it's, can you please Google, Google? Can you Google it? Can you Google, I'm half retarded today. Can you Google sugar causing diarrhea and see if that's a thing or, I don't think this

is a thing. I think it's something else. Is there something else you're consuming? Okay. Foods that are high in sugar can cause diarrhea. Literally the first thing that says, when people eat foods that contain a lot of sugar, water enters their intestines, which can result in very loose stools. Fruit toast is also a component of table sugar and also found in naturally fruits.

Do you get diarrhea from fruits? And there's a question people ask, why do I get diarrhea after eating sugar? Because you're dumb. It's due to dumping syndrome. The symptoms of dumping syndrome include watery diarrhea or feelings of low blood sugar that occurs in 30 minutes to two hours after eating high sugar foods. I have dumping syndrome. You have dumping syndrome.

Yeah. Wait a minute. Google dumping syndrome because I think you have this because you shit within a half hour of eating something that you say gives you diarrhea. Maybe this is what, this is what's wrong. How common is dumping syndrome? About one in 10 people who have stomach surgery develop dumping syndrome. It's more common after gastric bypass surgery.

I haven't had gastric bypass surgery. Dumping syndrome. What is, okay, that's how common, but that's not, no, see, don't Google how many people have dumping. It's what is dumping syndrome. Okay. What is that? That can develop after surgery.

No. Oh. Okay. It happens when food, especially sugar, moves from your stomach into your small bowel too quickly. No. You don't have dumping syndrome, but definitely. Okay.

Wait. Go back to the original search because it said in the go before that one, okay, what are the symptoms of sugar intolerance? Let's see that. Oh my gosh. Fatigue, abnormal swelling. Okay. No.

I don't have any of that. But what is this where you go brown? Like eggs will make you do it. Like if you eat. No. Yaha. Well, you're right. Breakfast.

Like an empty stomach and it's really greasy. Any greasy, you know, really unhealthy stomach. Sunny side up eggs will give you diarrhea. Sometimes. See. Okay. Let me go through the list. Here's what it is.

Sunny side up eggs, sushi, only with the fried components. Yeah. If there's any tempura or anything like that. Yeah. Okay. Steak. No. Steak makes it.

Doesn't give me diarrhea. It makes you fart. Yeah. It gives me beefy farts. Sorry. Farts give you farts and or diarrhea. That's normal. That's standard for anybody.

Anybody. Diarrhea because of vegetables. Most humans, if they eat a vegetable, will be like, I got to shit within five minutes. Not me. Not me. Ten minutes. Nope. Not even an issue.

I fart a little on some cruciferous vegetables, but. Okay. Most people feel like they have to shit after they eat. Ice cream. Salad. Makes you shit. Sometimes the dairy. Well, yeah.

Yeah. Hollandaise. Bernays. Sauses. Yeah. Rich creamy sauces. Yeah. That makes you shit too.

That gives normal human beings the need to shit. Nope. None of these things give me diarrhea. Yeah. That's not true. I'll tell you, it gives me diarrhea. Mexican food, but that's too spicy. Like after we ate 500 different kinds of tacos, the next morning was pretty volatile.

Hmm. But that's really so far. Yeah. I mean. There's too much garlic. If I sometimes pizza revs. That'll do it. Gives me diarrhea, but there's too much garlic in that sauce.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. I mean, here's what it comes down to. Hmm. Food makes me shit. Food makes me shit. And violently too.

And violently. Sometimes. Lots of wins. Today, I'll tell you, today was a pretty good day. I'm not telling the truth. It was pretty sloppy and it was pretty bad. What had you eaten? What did you eat that made that happen?

I had eggs. Eggs. Sunny side up running. No. They were not running. Were they scrambly? No. They were fried, but they were like over hard.

Okay. No bread, piece of bacon, coffee, and the bowel movement was pretty close to a disaster. Hmm. Pretty bad. Okay. Yeah. It was pretty bad. It was horrific.

It was a real kiss. It was a real kiss. So for your smile. What do you shit and awful shit in a week? How often are my shits terrible? Yeah, like how often is it like, wow, that was a disaster. I mean, well over half. Yeah, but half.

But he's also had more than half. He's had his intestines removed and he's had diverticulitis. You have? I've had 10 centimeters of my colon removed. I forgot that. Yeah. So I definitely have dumping syndrome. Right.

And then how often are, well, we won't even ask any because he's not a person for the sake of this conversation. How about Josh Hoffner? Can you ask him? Like loose stool, like road dumps. Road dumps happen on the weekends that I used to perform comedy when that was a thing. And I have him waiting on twice a week. Twice a week.

Twice a week disasters. Like epic disasters. No, no, no, but like a sloppy. That was hot. Yeah, twice a week. I still eat shitty once in a while and I still eat late at night. So I'll wake up some mornings after eating fast food and just be like, oh, good God. Yeah.

You know, but I mean, eating once a day, that's your only meal. It's all disaster all the time. I mean, it is. Okay, good. But then sometimes I keep, you know, I'm really impressed sometimes when I keep it really solid, when you get like a really solid shit. Oh, it's the best. It's the best.

Yeah. And I gotta tell you, I do have good dumps most like 90%. The last time I had loose stools was when we had those tacos. I'll tell you, it takes great dumps. Ellis. He takes yams. Yeah. He goes, I made a yam.

He looks back and there he goes, I made a yam. He's the champion dumper of the house. It is crazy. They're always quick. I stand next. Yeah. He's like, I gotta go poo poo. I go, okay.

And he sits down and he's like, and you hear plop and he's like, I'm done. And man, it's so interesting to stand next to another human while he shits. It's one thing when they're babies, but now he's like this little dude and they smell like a big dude's shit. Yeah. Especially when you got to wipe him up. Yeah, you wipe him up. I take, and his wipes aren't always that clean, so I'm like back in there and I'm in there

and I'm like, are you clean? Do you feel like they're still there? He's like, yeah. And then I got to go back and back. But it is something to wipe someone else's butt. He goes, did you clean my butt? And I go, yeah. He goes, good.

I don't want to be itchy back there. Yeah. And he's a night dumper lately too. Yeah, man. He's like, I'm like, you ready to go to bed? Yeah. Lays down and then runs down the hall. You're like, what's up?

He's like, I got to go poo poo. I'm like, come on, man. Yeah. That's what you say to him. Come on, man. Because he fucking, he'll lie too. He'll be like, I got to go poo poo. And then you're like, okay.

And then you just sit in the bathroom and you're just standing there waiting. It's a hoax. Yeah. He's just like, he's just trying to stay up. Just delaying bedtime. Little kids will make up anything to go to a void bed. Anything. They lie.

He gets me with, I'm hungry mommy. And like, what mom isn't going to feed her child? Yeah. So I'm like, all right, let's go get you some snacks. Yeah. He's done that to me. He goes, oh, it's grumbling. It hurts.

Okay. You're cute. Are you high? Yeah, I'm high. I can tell. You can? I love it. Why?

10 milligram toms here, everybody. This is the best. You're going to love this time. Not only am I high. So cute. Do you see how sweet he was? And just now he was endearing and he gets into detail. There's a thing.

I'm not only high. I've been high. I'm pretty high. Yeah. And do you see how sweet you got? You were like recalling a nice story. With my son. Yeah.

You're connected emotionally. It's really good for you. Drugs are a good thing. I'm really into this guy. Okay. You like to talk. Yeah, I do. You're always like, let's talk when you're high.

I'm like, yeah, dude, let's talk. First time in 15 years when I fucking talked to you. Okay. Let's talk about your Smurf day. Let's talk about my birthday and then we'll talk about your stolen valor. Stop it. Stop it. I don't trust you anymore.

My trust is gone. The trust is gone for me too. I know you lied about it. And I'll tell you what. I'm not feeling so high anymore. I am just so furious that you would pretend that you found that key. You're the worst. I didn't pretend.

I got, by the way, I got, I got messaged by some military folk. Oh, shut the fuck up. Don't you dare. And they were like, man, there's nothing worse. No, no, no. I didn't steal valor. How would I have stolen? I mean, we all shot at Bin Laden.

No one really knows who fucking really shot him. Really shot him, shot him. I mean, we were all there. Yana, let's go to the quarantine celebration we had. So because you're anti-social, we stay home anyway. I got you balloons. You had Luffy's delivered to the house. Nice Luffy's.

Yeah. They had presents. That was the best. I made you chicken, your favorite. Yep. And then. Has the smoky paprika seasoning. So good.

And I made you a Smurf day cake. You did. Kids decorated it. It was really adorable. It was really sweet. And, you know, we had a really nice time together. We're just at home. My birthday.

I loved it. For me, it actually would be like the perfect birthday. Yeah. I like it. It was great. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. Nothing.

I want to talk to people. So it was perfect. And then I thought the night was over and my birthday's over. And you're like, well, I got a little something else for you. It's like, what? Then you hand me your phone and start playing these. How about this mobile act Tom? As I sit on my Persian tea, I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday.

50 years old. What a huge milestone. Congratulations. I hope you celebrated in good health and happiness. But your wife, he tells me like the fort a lot. Look, man, I like a good fort here and there too, but tone it down a bit. Anyways, man. Cheers again.

Happy birthday. Even though in quarantine, I hope you're celebrating and good fun and realizing how blessed we are. From the great Shaws of Sunset. Mike. Mike from Shaws of Sunset. Mike. And I must say, what a wonderful job he did.

He was really engaged. He was. He was genuinely happy for you. He acknowledged that you're 50 and that you fart a lot. I mean, all in all, I say wonderful cameos. Yeah. Yeah. And of course, for those that don't know, this is from the service cameo where you

can pay for messages like this, you know, you can actually. Find all your favorite celebs. They are relentless when they want you to do it. Yeah. They email me every day. A hundred times. And like I ignored 70 of them and then I was like, oh, thanks. I appreciate what you do.

I don't want to do it. And they're like, cool, we'll email you again tomorrow. I know. I don't want to do it. But I'm glad that Mike from Shaws of Sunset did it. And then we got another one. Be healthy. And of course, make love as much as possible.

After this virus, go to Ukraine and find a wife for your second Dalmatian. Big warm Russian hugs from me. Bye, Tommy. Varya. So you're allowed to give them instructions. So I told her that you have a very big chested Hungarian wife and that you love Ukrainian women and that your second Dalmatian wife will be from Ukraine. I put it together and that was very good.

Okay, I didn't know if you knew that. No, no, no. I put it together. She did a great job. I think she did a very, very nice job. She is on the show right now as well. And her guy, Jeffrey, right? Yeah, Jeffrey.

No, David? No, no, no. She's with Jeffrey from Tennessee. He's the one who just revealed that he had been to prison to her. And it put a real sour note on their trip. Because she was like, what? Well, well, this is a good question. So at what point in dating somebody, do you make them aware that you're a convicted felon?

Like, is that third date? Is that I'm meeting your mom the day you're meeting somebody's mom? It's a really actually, I think it's an actually interesting question. And here's the thing. Go ahead. Like one of the things about this, it's annoying, however time it comes up, they don't really go into how long ago it was because I think they did that once. Yeah, you're very bothered by this.

Well, why wouldn't you say it's a nonviolent crime? It's not cool that he did it, right? He's selling drugs. But you can tell he's early 40s now and the mugshot and stuff they use is 20 years. He was probably 18, 20. And every time he'll say things like, I've changed a lot because now he runs legit businesses. Yeah. But he never, you never hear him repeatedly say like, that was 20 years ago.

Yeah. So what I'm saying. You're so high right now. No, no, no. Fine. That's what happens when you get really high. I'm not really high. Oh, yeah.

What? Are you trying to ruin it? No, I'm not trying to ruin it. It sounds like it. I just try to have fun. Oh, okay. Just make it funny. Why?

Because it's fun. I love you. You're ruining it. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't want to ruin it. I don't want to make you self-conscious. Yeah, you're ruining it. No, I don't want to ruin it.

I know, guys, come on. We're just having fun. This is the last time. I'm just poking fun. Okay, no, no. No, Tom, you're the best. Do you understand what is being ruined or no? Just say yes, Tom.

Yep. I'm sorry. I don't mean to mock you. Wait, he just said it. What is it? I get it. Okay, thank you. Okay, I'm sorry.

You're right. I won't mock you. No, this is fun. I love it. They never mentioned that he's 20 years ago. He was a felon, and now he's a normal person. Yeah. He's changed.

What I'm saying, if you're bringing up the conversation, when would you? Of course, if you just got arrested or just got out of prison, it's probably more pertinent. Hey, I just got out of prison. I'm on parole or if you just got off parole, it's probably like, what were you in for? If you're in for drug dealing, even though it's serious and it's 20 years ago, why wouldn't you, you know what I mean? Why wouldn't you have the right to not bring that up immediately? Yeah.

Oh, you think? You mean you're going to lead with that 20 years later? Yeah, I would lead with like, hey, this happened a million years ago. Really? Well, wait. No, at what point in the relationship do you tell somebody? I'm saying would you leave with that if you're starting a relationship and you had done a crime 20 years ago, you would bring that up immediately?

Not immediately, but when we were starting to get more serious. I would definitely bring it up before I flew to the Ukraine to meet somebody's family. Yeah. That's not cool. Yeah, that's true. To do it the day he's going to meet her family is fucked up, because then she can't decide like, hey, I don't, you know, you taking that decision away from her. Yeah.

It's not cool. Like I would have done it when we're like starting to be like, I think I love you. I think that's a serious. I'd be like, okay, well, full disclosure, I just, because that can impact your marriage. You know what I mean? He's a felon, so there's certain jobs he can't do. He can't fucking vote. Who knows if he can travel stuff like that.

It's going to impact your day to day life. Oh, I thought about that. Then I thought it was weird that he actually had traveled there. I know. How did he get? Because he would have like a serious felony conviction on his record. A lot of times those countries don't, will just say like, we don't care how long ago. Ukraine doesn't give a fuck.

He's in Russia. Right, right. He's in Russia. Right. Because they were in Moscow. I mean, that's strange though, because the Russian government saying Grant Avisa to an American with a felony, it seems strange. I know.

Maybe the production got involved or something, you know? Oh, right. Because it's a job. It's considered a job. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. But anyway, so that was Varya's cameo to you.

I thought that was really nice. She did a great job. She looks great. She put her little makeup on. She's fantastic. Here's another. Very kind. From the show.

Hey, baby love Tom, it's baby girl Lisa coming to wish you a happy birthday. I hear you have a mad crush on me, but sorry, I'm taking already. And also, you need to eat healthier. You need to quit smoking, you know, blah, blah, blah, but I hear you love your son. You all be safe during the quarantine. Much love to both of you. Enjoy tomorrow night's show. Yeah.

Yeah. Baby love Lisa. That is baby love. It's the first time seeing her. She is from York, Pennsylvania, and she travels to Nigeria to try to marry her sweet love Uzman, who is a 30 year old Nigerian hip hop artist. And she's not 30 or 40 or 50. It's pretty hilarious.

Now I do what I think is interesting about this is like, obviously, I told her to tell you to eat healthy and stop smoking. You don't smoke, but you can tell that she was like, blah, blah, blah. I think someone's told her. She's been hearing that her whole life, of course. Stop smoking, eat healthy. She's like, yeah. Blah, blah.

She's like, I eat wine and I smoke and look at me. I look great. She sounds like those sisters on the Simpsons, like Patty and Selma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She is wild to see her in Nigeria. And she's the one who, when she gets there to see her, you know, I guess you call him fiance or something, his friends are there, like, you know, they're like, her stomach's huge.

And they're like, you know, she was this big in there, like, he's like, nah. I know they're totally shitting on her. And then she's she's so old and so fat. And they're like, she's old, she's fat, she's white. What are you doing? They take her to their village in Nigeria. And then she goes to meet his mother. So the 30 year old guy she's dating, his mother is like two years older than this

woman. Yeah. And it's like and straight up, she was like, can we have your blessing to marry? And she's like, no. And then she gets up and walks away. It could not be more disrespectful. That's just someone said that, no. And then they just leave the room. But she has to know that it's true.

Like, you are too old for this hot Nigerian guy. Like, it's it's absurdity. It's absurdity. Yeah. It's beyond it's strange. It is strange. And then in the latest episode, she goes to the mosque with that mother and was meant and goes for like a full service and praise.

And they connect a little bit on that level. And then they as soon as they leave the mosque, she tells Usman, ask your mother again for her blessing if they can marry. And he's like, she goes, no. She goes, she's way too old. And if you go to America, they will make you a servant. And then he's like, and then she he just turns her and he's like, she said, no again.

And then she walks away. It's amazing. It's bad. You know, my favorite part about the 90 day fiance the other way is when Americans go to places like Nigeria and the Philippines and they're really outraged at like, there's no air condition in here. There's no there's no luxury mattress. Like, no, you stupid cunt.

Like you're in a different country. They do things differently. Of course. And she's the most upset when she goes to Nigeria. She's like, what am I? Well, a big guy's really upset about no air con really, really upset. He's like, are there any air con and they're like, not here. He's like, I'm going to die tonight.

He's really upset. You sent me another cameo from another reality show. Oh, hey, Tom, it's Captain Sandy here. I'm really glad that you like the show and you're turning 70. Congratulations. I hope I get a cameo someday from you when I turn 70. Hey, man, you're the world's greatest scrum master and you wear your jeans high and tight and you always follow protocol.

So since you are the greatest scrum master and you follow protocol, I asked my friends to help me sing happy birthday. So all one, two, three. Oh, oh, oh, happy birthday to you. By the way, I hate this part so much. So do I. I'd like Captain Sandy. Yeah, I hate this. I hate it, too.

It makes me feel weird and I just want to hear it from Sandy. I mean, I understand the thought. I think she's really trying to make it special for you. No, I don't mean that. I know that. Yeah. But I'm just saying when anybody, people gather to sing happy birthday. Oh, really upsets me. Yeah. And then if they're singing it to me, it really upsets me.

I feel the same way. I have such disdain for happy birthday. And why? Why do restaurants? You go to a restaurant where you don't know it's that kind of restaurant. Like, sometimes you know, but if you go to one, you're like, oh, this is all right. And then you're eating and all of a sudden you start to hear the chorus and you're like, oh, shit.

And then then it happens again because they're doing it to another table. Oh, God, I just get so much anger. But what because we're performers. So we're it's not like, why can't we handle it? I agree. I don't like it either. It feels it's because it feels inauthentic if it's manufactured. I think it's it's a fake thing for me. I think it's opposite where I feel like it's too emotional.

Like if it's people who love me singing it to me. I'm like, well, that's I'm talking about in a restaurant like it in a restaurant. It's fake. And I like it in a restaurant because it's fake. Oh, my God, I like to pretend it's my birthday and have those sing to me. That doesn't matter. But when it's real and there's actual feelings and like the people who love me are saying, I get really uncomfortable. It's too much. It's overwhelming.

Well, we really are polar opposites. Yeah. And I think yours is much more disturbing. Like, I don't mind if people who love me think people. Oh, no, I like it when it's strangers. I should probably be seeing hookers and stuff because I can't connect emotionally. Yours is not the right reaction. I know.

Doug Mallard every year sends me ridiculous shit. And this year, he once again got this guy to sing Happy Birthday to me. Day to you. Happy birthday to you. So weird. Happy birthday. I know. So strange. So often.

Dear Tom. Oh, my God. It's so uncomfortable. It's so horrible. From Doug. Fucking asshole, Doug. You fucking piece of shit, Doug. Doug. That's the best birthday video ever. It's great. It is great.

Man, I'm so mad. His guy is Ralph. I think Ralph the Whistler. And if you're just listening, all those whistle sounds are like with his mouth open. He's like whistling with his gum. I don't know how you're doing it. He's making bizarre open mouth gestures. I hate it.

And you're hearing whistling come out. It's pretty great. I hate people singing to me just in general. You know what I really hate? Yeah, we were watching Peter Pan, the new bird, the new one leaving Neverland and the opening song is like that never. Story, it's all like emotional. Super intense.

It makes me really uncomfortable. I don't like that either. You know who likes that? People, some people love musicals, you know? I hate musicals, too. Yeah, I think that that's that appeals to the other singing. I like Broadway singing. Yeah, but I hate that.

Just the emotional singing. Yeah, of course. Super uncomfortable. Yeah, stop it. Stop trying to make me feel stuff. And then this is a compilation that Burt threw together of Happy Birthdays. This one is dedicated to the machine

for his best friend's birthday, Tom Segura. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. What's his name? Tom. But how long has it been since you've had your scrum eaten? Segura. Happy birthday.

I used to work with big cocks, but not a cock like that. I mean, that cock was just amazing. To you. Happy birthday. And many more. Have a great day. Such a big fan. Wow, have a great day.

I'm going to find out where the bodies are at. How does Burt know all these people? He just tweeted out, hey, because I saw it today before, I thought I had no idea it was anything for me. He goes, can anybody or any adult performers reach out to me about a project I'm working on, a video I want to make? Oh my God. And so people started to respond and then he asked them for this.

It's pretty amazing. It's pretty great. Thanks, Burt. I love you. You're very sweet. Well, you must feel very special. All these star studded happy birthday messages. It was amazing.

It was amazing to get that many. I wanted to show you, oh yeah, this guy seemed really, I mean, really cool. We haven't featured a guy like this in a while. Check this out. Where is he? Let me ask you, ignorant ass people, something real quick. Have you ever been a knife point? Had a knife to your throat, to your chest?

Have you been a gun point? Had a gun to your face? Have you had 10 people jump you, grabbing you by your hands and legs, lifting you up and dragging you behind a building to beat the shit out of you because of the color of your skin? I don't think you have either. Have you ever had rubble flags thrown in your face?

Being called a niggle lover. Redneck saying that the South's going to rise again, they're going to hang you with your coons. Saying they're going to slave you with your monkeys. Have you ever done something about all the fucking racism going on? Pretty cool. Now, why the choice to use a green screen, but not use a green screen?

You know what I mean? It's more, it's just, you don't understand. You haven't been through this. Have you picked up a gun in your hand and went out there trying to serve justice, trying to free our people? Have you ever been harassed by the KKK? You personally. No.

Man, this is like really, it's really building. Being harassed by cops. Pulled over for no reason. Asked to be stepped out of the car as soon as they pull you over. Always asking who the fuck is that riding with you. That's my girl. That's my brother. They got more melanin than me.

I have a deficiency. But we the same. I've been going through this shit every day my whole life. It's a daily struggle out here. If anybody has a problem with me, put me out of my goddamn misery. So shut the fuck up when you talk about me. You don't know what the fuck I done been through.

Black power to the motherfucking day I die. And you best believe the goddamn whites. Wow. Wow. This guy. That was intense. Never seen it. Where did you find this?

Yeah. Do you know who this is? It was sent in. Wow. And we do have his YouTube channel and I do assure you there's a lot of other really cool stuff. So this isn't like a one off kind of thing? No.

Wow. He's posting this stuff and he's posting frequently. That's pretty awesome, man. I got to say. Yeah. This even exists. It's really something. This gets a little cooler, too.

It does? Yeah. Because I'd only seen that first clip of him being like, have you been harassed or whatever the first one was? And for people listening, this guy, yeah, you can only hear him. That's the whole thing. You got to see this guy.

Because I imagine if you're listening, you're like, okay. Yeah. So people get harassed. But he's white and he does have his braided hair, long braids, and he's got, he's very white and he's got like a red goatee, wouldn't you say? Yeah.

He's kind of, he's ginger. He's a ginger. Doesn't he look like the rage against the machine guy? It wasn't this in the 90s. The dreads and the wrapper. Yeah. But this is, I don't know. You might, you kind of think he's doing a character.

And then at the end of the video, this very last one we played, he shows you the tattoos on his arms, on either arm, long way up, you know? Full message. It says black power on one and fuck whites on the other. And those look like, those are real hats, right? I thought it was Sharpie at first, but then I cross referenced it along all of his videos

and they're all there. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Another, a whole other folder here. That, uh... Right. Like you see, like you see that he's all keyed up right now?

Yeah. And he's mad. And then I think he did something that starts putting him more at ease. I just remembered another thing. This town was so segregated when I first moved here as a kid. I was telling the people like, yo, yo, I like black girls. You know what I'm saying?

People didn't believe that I, you know, was really down with the brown when it came to the girls that are around with the behind. You know what I'm saying? That sounds stupid. Wow. I mean... But yo, they was like, oh yeah?

Oh yeah? What color are black girls' nipples? What color is a black girl's pussy lips? What color is a black... Okay, hold on, man. There's so much going on. Hold on. Is this a bit?

Mm-mm. He does this repeatedly? He does this in numerous videos. This isn't a bit though. I mean, he's like smiling. He must be ripped. Well, it's an ongoing bit if it is a bit. So the same guy is now painted like paint,

bronzed, fully in black. You'd call it black face, right? It's not black. I think I'd call it something close. It's in the same league. And he's just like, just keeps talking. Dude. I don't understand.

You know what I'm saying? It's like so crazy. I just thought about that for a second. I'm like, these people that really trapped me when I first moved here. This town was so segregated. And whites and blacks didn't fuck with each other so much that I'm guessing they thought that nipples

and pussy lips and vaginas were different colors. He is truly transracial. This is one of those people who thinks that they're... like, Rachel Dolezal. Like you're born one race and then you transition into another. He's fully convinced that he's black man. I guess I'm stuck on whether or not this is a bit. Or this is...

You know what I mean? It feels like it has to be a bit. I thought it was a bit too. Yeah. And like every video that I looked on his channel was just like this. Really? Where he's just fighting for the cause.

Really? And he really is like white... Talked about white folks. In every video it seems like he really believes this stuff. How long has he been posting for? Well, I could tell you in the last week he's uploaded about 20 times. In this week?

Mm-hmm. Does it go back years? I don't know. Like I scrolled three or four times and I only got like past like a week or two. Well... Okay. I mean, I will say that a tattoo that says fuck whites is pretty hard.

It's pretty serious. You're committed. If it's in a lot of videos, yeah. It is. It is pretty committed actually. Yeah, it's a lifestyle choice. Probably shouldn't downplay the... What's being said when you go,

I have fuck whites on my arm. Yeah. And black power. I mean, he really is invested. Black power is definitely... Yeah. It's really going forward. I mean, is it such a negative message?

I'm pro black people too. I'm black power. I'm just trying to defend some of it. I don't know. I'm trying to find a bright side. It's pretty bright. Did we get the social distancing guy up? No, right?

The video? Yeah. The guy in the checkout line? Yeah, we did. No, we haven't played it yet. Did we? No, no, no, no. We haven't played it yet.

Yeah, this is a guy who basically, you know, he's got his own point of view on the coronavirus and social distancing. What's going on? You're not supposed to pull. You're supposed to have to tell. They actually walk away. Who? Who's there?

Look at his mask. Who's there? Who? What? So he's at the grocery line and he's got a mask on with the part that covers your mouth cut out. But he's got the rest of it on and his mouth and his nose are open with a toothpick. Oh, and he's missing teeth in the front too.

Don't forget. He's airing out those missing teeth. Yeah, I can tell. I'm going to be hyped for this, dude. Is there more where this came from? See this? Yeah. Fuck whites, guys.

Yeah, the fuck whites, guys. It's a bummer. This is more my speed. We're asking that customer's wait for the previous customer's date and stuff. We all know it's a big crock of lies, right? We just have to follow protocol and the government's agenda and basically, it's a propaganda routine, you know? He's got a flavor-flav clock but with toilet paper hanging around his neck.

Yeah. He's really cool. He's in the government conspiracy lane for the virus, which is always a top-notch sign that things are going well for you. Yeah, there are three camps of people. There's people that are complying and believe that this is a threat. There are people who are protesting the threat. Yep.

And then. Then there's this lane. Then there's this. There's this lane. I get it, and I'm going to continue to resist, and I'm just done shopping here after this. How much money do I owe? $52.54. All right.

Meh. Meh. Meh. Always a sheet. Meh. Meh. He's so pleased with himself. He set the camera up and he's looking at it.

And he knows what he's doing. He's like, oh yeah, I'm just being a sheep right now. Yeah. Who are these people that are rebelling against the proto? Yeah. You're taking this personally? Very personally. This is not your mommy and daddy.

I like this guy. This guy is good for this type of thing. I hope he does this more. Your receipt? He just touched my hand. Did you see that? Uh-uh. And if you guys are going along with it, it's going to destroy the American country.

Do you not realize this? Meh. Is my food over there? No, it's in your purse. All right, good deal. You guys have a great day. You too. I will.

Yeah. I know. I've been learning so much about China since this happened where they regulate people's social media and they tell you what to do. It's not so bad. We don't get to see anybody. We won't get to see this guy's awesome video if we live in China. But it's not so bad to stop people from doing stuff.

They don't need their freedom if they do this. Meh. Am I trespassed? No. Get a document out and trespass me then. I'm not going to trespass you. Meh. Okay, I hate him.

Meh. Meh. Meh. This guy's so talked, baby. This guy's gross. See what's going on in our America? It's ridiculous. You've got to stop.

Be the resistance. Be the resistance. Don't put up with it. Ta-ta, they're retarded. Yep. Such a douchebag. Be the resistance, man. The resistance.

I mean, okay. Yep. These people, man, they got problems. No, they don't. He's fine. He's fine. You're not fine. I'm not fine.

I'm not fine. I'm not fine. I'm not fine. I'm not fine. You're not fine. No. You stole Valor. Stop.

I'm not going to get into that. You ruined the foundation of our loving, trusting marriage. You. There's a lot of enlisted folks out there. Lied to me. Thank you for your service. Babe. I want to shout out to the United States Marine Corps, the Army, the Air Force, the Navy,

the Coast Guard, everybody out there defending our freedoms. For the record, I've been overseas to entertain those said troops. At one point, she. No. I've been to Afghanistan, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia. Hello. Is that someone who does stolen Valor? I've lived on an oil platform in between Iran and Iraq.

A wolf in sheep's clothing, sir. Oh my gosh. Oh my God. I've been to Gitmo, sir. No. I've been on FOBS. I've flown out in Afghanistan. I've flown to Kyrgyzstan.

You did. I've performed in Manas. But I did do Gitmo. So. It was great. We got to throw rocks at prisoners. You did not. I wish.

That was part of the plan. That would be such a fun bonus. This is probably a guilty haji over here. Go ahead and throw this rock at him. Fire him. And then they were like, ah, nah. He's innocent. I was like, I'm not that.

Wouldn't that be the best part of touring these U.S. Saudi tours? If at the end they're like, here's a stick of dynamite. Just go ahead and throw this over the wall. I'd be like, fuck yeah, dude. Those are Taliban? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just throw it at them.

And then they're like, just kidding. That was a village of children. But we needed to wipe it out. You're like, oh fuck, okay. I would love to throw a grenade at a bunch of fucking Taliban. Wouldn't you? Sure. Yeah.

It'd be pretty fun. Or just people on the sidewalk. That guy? Yeah. Just like when there's a whole bunch of people on a sidewalk and you're like fucking move. Yeah, I agree. Wouldn't it be great to just throw a grenade into that? Makes me crazy when your people are holding up bottlenecking a sidewalk.

That's your big thing in life? Oh. That's what bothers you. That's your axe to grind? It is one that I imagine having explosives on me at that moment. Yeah. That's interesting. I get.

And I imagine them kind of being dicks and you're like, where do I walk? You know, you're blocking this shit up. And then I walk two, three blocks away and I have an RPG on my shoulder and I just fucking light it up. Yeah, I hear you. You know what? Boom. Yeah.

You know what makes me see red is when you're, I mean, not now, but you're waiting in line. You're at the McDonald's or whatever. And the motherfucker in front of you doesn't know what they want. And you know, and they're like, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, ass fuck. You were standing in line for a half hour or like at Starbucks and they don't know. Oh, you know what really makes me crazy?

Let me get a, I want a double tall and I'm like, let me get a. That bothers you? 100%. I have somebody that's been a barista and a server. Oh, let me get a. Gimme a. Just let me get a. No, no, no, douchebag.

Yeah. Be fucking. May I please have. May I please have, yeah. Not let me get a. Let me get a. Let me fucking put this on your face. Dipped shit.

Wow. Hot, scolding coffee. Let me pour this down your throat. Fuck nuts. That makes me crazy. Let, let me get a. You fucking baboon. Yeah.

It's not, it's not polite. I don't like that. Man. It makes me crazy. Yeah. Here we go. I would throw a grenade at those people. I think yours is more violent.

You think so? I think so. Because I'm actually at least, you know, they are being dicks by blocking up the sidewalk. You're just being like, I don't like this word choice. I don't like the word choices. I'm rude. Yeah. What about gypsies?

Can we grenade them? Babe. What? They don't pay taxes. They steal. You want to get a pet again soon? A new one? No.

No, I don't. Oh my God. Imagine. It's a fucking, like, puma as a pet. That thing's wild, dude. You know, people do this shit. Like, this is in his house. In his house.

Yeah, and guess what part of the world this shit's in? What language do you hear? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Dude, this thing is so powerful. So fast. Imagine if you walk into that house. This Russian, this is fucking, this is Ukraine.

These are these crazy motherfuckers. This is Russia. Crazy people. You can't do this in Kansas, huh? No, sir. Did you hear that fucking thing run up the stairs? Like, you know, when we hear bitsy, like, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. You hear that fucking thing?

Yeah. Jumping on your bed and shit? What if that thing gets diarrhea in the night? Forget it, dude. Oh, fuck that. Look at those teeth. Oh, my God. No.

Is he going to walk it with that? He is. Oh, my Christ. Oh, my God. You could rip his fucking arm off if you wanted to. He's using that fucking leash, the extendable leash. Like, it's a little dog. I mean, I think it rip off that leash.

When I say rip his arm off, I don't mean with his teeth. I mean, he could just take off and that fucking arm will come off. I know. That is so powerful. Damn. God damn. I love it. Crazy.

Why would you even want this? Oh, anyway, can I talk about my epiphany? I had a stupid epiphany, much like the moment where I realized I should towel dry off before I put on clothing, I have had another one. So as you all know, I've shared on the show that I need coffee the moment I wake up and I have a coffee station in our bathroom. So in the morning I wake up, I do my coffee and like I'm ready to go. Well, my dumb ass for the last like year or whatever they've been doing this coffee station,

I'll be like, I have a little tiny fridge too that I keep the milk in or the creamer in and I'll be like, fuck dude, I'm like out of fucking milk. I can't, there's no creamer for this coffee. So I just leave it blank, you know what I mean? I get so mad at myself and then the other day I was shopping for groceries and I was like, oh fuck dude, I can buy two pints of creamer. And I can put one upstairs in the tiny fridge and then it's there and then another one because my brain was like, I can't have, how am I going to have the milk in the kitchen

and the milk in my... It's like plug in the other thing. I can just buy two half pint things. Yeah. No, it's a game changer when you have those thoughts. Yeah, you're like, oh my God, this whole time I've just been suffering. I could just buy two, I could spend like $3. Now I don't have to look for it.

I know, I got a second jug of water at home. I just got it so I can put one upstairs. You bought like a second canteen or whatever? Yeah. Yeah. Instead of being like, well that one's upstairs, I guess I can help. And I realized that I could keep a pair of glasses here and at the house I don't have to bring the same pair all the time.

All the time. Because if I forget then I'll be like, I can't see so good. So it feels good. I can't see no more, I don't have my glasses. Oh my God. So obviously we've highlighted Garth's cool social media personality. Very natural. Then we went to another super famous guy that joined social media in Matthew McConaughey.

I checked in with him in the evening. You know, couldn't be more insane. Let's take the high eye, not the low eye. Right? And you're like, okay buddy. And then this weekend we were blessed or last weekend we were blessed by Johnny Depp joining Instagram. I saw that and I've been following him already. Hi everyone.

Hello to whomever might be out there in Aetherland receiving this transmission. This is my first experience within the world of social media. I've never done any of this before. I don't think I've really ever felt any particular reason to until now. Alright, let's go for it. There's just a regular guy. Just a normal guy. Just a regular guy in his cave with his many melted real wax candles.

Is he doing this as Captain Jack Sparrow? It feels like he's doing the accent. It kind of feels a little bit like that. Yeah, he's in his basement in his, it's like a wine cave basement type of thing. Yeah, with candles lit and he's sitting on a chair or couch cross-legged. Which is that in and of itself. Anybody does that. You're like, the fuck are you doing, man?

Just sitting that way? Just sit up. Sit up. Yeah. Why are you sitting with that on the couch? Well, I'll tell you what he might be doing. Because I've done this before. Maybe he's trying to not, you know, when you sit on a couch or fat rolls and meet like no matter who you are unless you're super skinny.

Maybe he's trying to avoid fat rollage. Yeah, but he's the ankle. He's a pretty lean dude. But even if you're lean, everybody looks like shit sitting down. Is he on the floor? Are you saying he's on the floor? No, he's not on the floor. I thought he was.

Really? I can't, maybe I can't see it well. But like he has an authentic vampire's cave. Yeah. Like it's not like your house or my house were a basement. Dude, still by the way, if you have not done it, Google, like if you're at home, Google Johnny Depp Rolling Stone article from last year. About his spending, it is awesome. It is amazing.

Like what he spent on. It wasn't he spending like 50 grand a month on wine? Yeah. Yeah. Just one. That is the fucking. That's just the surface. Doesn't even begin to scratch it.

It's just, it's so awesome. They're like, yeah, he's like, I cannot stop spending. Like he saw a car he liked and he was like just by 50 of them, like just shipped them all over. He's crazy. It's the best though. I mean, that's the best kind of crazy to watch. Because now he's going to make movies forever, which is good. I love watching him.

No, he's such a great actor. He's handsome. So let's, let's see what. Now is the time to open up a dialogue as the threat of this invisible enemy has already caused a measurable tragedies and enormous damage to people's lives. Okay. Now here's what I want to focus on. I, I, maybe I'm too much of a hypocrite because I get on these kind of weird high energy guys that post saying they're wacky shit. Yeah.

And the flip side of it is a fucking snorefest. And that's what this is. This is like, I'm just going to bore you to fucking tears with this thing. Well, I mean, yeah. And the rocking back and forth is bizarre. He's rocking back and forth. I mean, there's fucking calculus lectures that are more exciting than this. This is terrible.

It's like, remember those boring videos, the Evie Mike guy? This is as bad as the Evie Mike. Oh my God. And the Evie 103 is the cardioid center in your voice. I mean, this. Well, also too, if you're going to be on social media, lift people's spirits. Do something positive. Uplift the people.

You know what I'm saying? It does have some wild ass filters on it. 50-something now, I mean. I mean, what was it like? You got to watch this whole thing. There's no way I could sit through this. Dude, it was crazy. Like the scenario is so weird where it took me 10 minutes to try and figure out if it was green screen or not.

Oh, right. And then, you know, you realize that it's not. No, because there's shadows. Exactly. That's the thing that gave it away is that the shadows move with them. I was like, OK, that's very difficult to do with green screen. Actual Pirates Cave. All of it is weird.

So the camera flicker filter that he put on it is insane. It starts off with a 10-second countdown to a social media video. Right. Like a feature film. And it's eight minutes long. His first Instagram post is eight minutes long. Yeah. And it's all in this monotone.

I was just like, I don't understand what Tom Finds funny. No, I just saw, I didn't watch it. I just saw like another huge celebrity was posting social media and it was their jump off thing. So it was like, you know, exciting. Like, oh, I know this is going to be weird. Like I just started it and I was like, oh, it's weird. And then I just said it. And the description is like co-produced by my like music part.

Like it's like a collaboration with someone. Well, these celebrities, the actors specifically feel the need to download to us. Alec Baldwin this week was like, everybody's doing my hair is getting long. Really bummed out. Like, what are you doing? Everyone's bummed out. Yeah, we're all. What are you bumming everyone out for?

Keep it to yourself. That's why they're actors though, right? Oh, it's so selfish. They're unable to provide for their children and their families as a result of this hideous global pandemic. Do you want me to kill myself? They've lost their jobs. Not only their jobs. Yeah, I know.

The source of income. Many have also lost their businesses. They've worked long and hard to maintain for many, many years. It's like he just now seeing the news for the first time. We know. Oh my God. Fuck off. Stop it.

His kids? Yeah, me too. Watching your fucking video, Johnny. Oh my God. And how annoyed are you? And how condescending is it for celebrities to keep telling us to stay home and stay healthy? Yeah, I know. Like, oh, okay, Johnny Depp told me, now I'm gonna do it.

Of course. You fucking... No one has your fucking wine cave. Action is always the same. Boredom's not allowed. You're not allowed to be bored. There's always something to do. Thanks.

Thanks a lot. Things to do. What are things to do? Read, paint, think, learn. Make a film with your phone. Play an instrument. If you play, if you don't learn, you don't have an instrument. Make one.

All kinds of things around your house that'll make noise. Record those sounds you discover later. Now, hold on. But hold on. Now I'm in. Like, I want him to get on TikTok. I want to explore. Right?

Social media never existed for many, many years, and we never got to know how crazy our favorite actors were. And now there's no veil. Now you can know exactly how warped their realities are. It's fucking great. He's talking like he's the pirate, babe. And now my children used to ask me, Daddy, we're bored.

Like, he suddenly became Gaelic or like, where does he live now? I thought he lived in Paris. I don't know. Read that article. He's got a lot of residences. A lot. Daddy. I suspect he's in Los Angeles.

If you don't have an instrument, make one. Make one. He sounds like he's Irish. I think that's super condescending to be like, you don't have anything to play? You got a pot and a pan. Why don't you learn how to play on that? Fuck you.

Oh my God. Do you have two hands and a table? There you go. Get good at that. I got an instrument. But he's so specific. Like, imagine being Johnny Depp when he was what, 17 was already a huge star. Yeah, exactly.

This goes along with the idea that like, super fame is just too much. Super fame and super pussy powers because he's so handsome. This guy is, so I had a poster of him on my wall from the time I was like 10. No. None. He's never been backed up. Ever. Ever.

So he doesn't even share the same thing. Maybe that's why he talks like that. He's just like, there's just so little come. I've come 15 times today. So that's why I talk like this. So tired from coming. I'm just worn out and I keep getting my dick sucked every few feet. I'll walk around the room.

It's a little suck my dick over. I'll walk around the room. Someone's sucking me dick over. There's no such thing as being bored when you get your dick sucked all day. I can't be bored. Is he wearing suspenders? Like leather? Yeah.

Now that you point him out, he does look like suspenders. Like holster? Like a gun holster? Right. Like from the 30s? Yeah. Always one of those. He's one of those guys.

Like he dresses like the 30s. How can you say you're bored if you always come all day? I would jack my dick, but I don't have to. I don't have to. There's always someone jacking it. I got some. I'm more a supposed personal note. Thank you all for your kindness, your unwavering support and your strength over these years.

I'm touched beyond words. I reckon there's more to come. I reckon. I'll see you down the road. Till then, stay well. Stay well. That definitely does not sound like a real guy talking. He's so fucked up too.

Is he drunk or high? He's both and he's played too many parts. He's like, which guy am I in this movie? Yeah. Yeah, totally. Y'all take care now. What? Totally.

He's like, I reckon. I reckon. Am I in the tip of the hat? Yeah. Y'all take care. Is it shook a lot, Johnny Depp? Is it scissor hands? That's what I'm saying.

We don't know who we are. This is 30 years of being globally famous. It's just too much. It's too much. It's too much. It's not even enjoyable to be this famous. Strange. It can't be.

Can I tell you what's great about our lives? Stay well. Stay well. What's great about at least my level of quote fame is that, you know, it's the Fedex driver who's like, mommy, and I'm like, what's up, homie? It's very low key. I can't even imagine being this guy where like, fuck Johnny Depp and women just throw their panties at you and he's crazy.

He's crazy. It's got to be insanity. He's no privacy. He's nothing left. It's too much. It's too many yeses, you know. Too many yeses in your life makes you different. I think so.

You've got to have no boundaries. And he has never had them since he was 18. It's crazy. Yeah. It's totally unchecked. It's like fucking crazy. I saw a read an article. It was actually a number years ago where it was like a writer was following De Niro for

a week. Something like that. Some exposed, you know, profile. And he said they were at a dinner. The writer is following him at a dinner. And that he really came alive when somebody disagreed with him. Yeah. He brought something up and somebody was like, I don't think so.

And that he really enjoyed it because everybody, whatever you say when you're like, De Niro was like, yeah, yeah, you're right. Of course, you know. Yeah. And whatever you say is good. And they're like, that is good. And if you go, I don't like that. They're like, I don't like it either.

Yeah. People do it to you all day. Because they're just so stoked probably to be in your presence and they don't want to upset you. And I thought about that a lot with watching the new Chicago Bulls documentary, The Last Dance and how, you know, all that happens when you're Michael Jordan is just people being like, can I fucking will you please look at me? You know, just a million people.

He's like the most famous guy in the world by far for at least a 10 year period. That's horrible. Yeah. But that's such a horrible life because you're not even a normal, you're not a human being anymore. No. And you could tell it's affected him too. It's too much.

No one's that famous and unaffected. Like he has, he's not as weird as actors are, but he has, you know, there's like a real distance to that guy, you know, in most interviews. Like who do you trust? How do you know that anybody ever really wants to be your friend? How do you know you're. Yeah. You kind of only have to have your OG friends, right?

Yeah. How do you make new friends when you're that fucking famous? It's crazy. I wouldn't trust anybody. It is really crazy. You got, you got to watch this. I'm just getting into it, but this is going to be such an epic documentary. I want to see that.

It's Michael Jordan's. And dude, if you if you're under like 30 and you didn't grow up with him as the guy, you know, like if you're like the Kobe guy or LeBron guy telling you, it was, it was unlike anything I've seen since then. I've never seen anything like it. Like a an athlete, you know, I was, I was only four, five, I was five when he was drafted. So I don't remember that, but I remember like 88, you know, like slam dunk contests and then riding that, like growing up with that being the guy.

It was like if a comic book character was a real person. Yeah. And he was handsome too. That was part of it. I mean, I'm saying the package is like, he was like if Superman jumped off the page and was real. Yes. That's what you thought.

Like when you were a kid, I was like, that really is like a superhero. I had a friend in high school that had a Michael Jordan sleeping bag. She was like a teenager. She was obsessed with him because he was so cute. Like he was a good looking dude too, and he probably had a healthy hog. They cover that in that documentary. I'm only in the first episode. Let me know when they get to dick size.

I think that's probably the most important episode. I don't think they cover it though. I don't think they cover it. This is ESPN. Oh, by the way, sidebar, but related. I got a DM from a gal who has friends that have bedded many the Los Lakers, she says, she claims. Really?

How are their dogs? And she goes enormous. A lot of big, big dogs on that. I mean, I don't think it's surprising to anybody. I don't know. I'm just confirming the gossip that I've heard about. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

Breaking news. Breaking news. Multiple NBA players have monster cocks. Well, just on the Lakers, to be specific. Lakers specifically. Specifically. Yeah. Yeah.

That's very interesting. Yeah. I bet they, man, they really must have fucked so much that Bull's team. So much. And I mean, I didn't follow basketball growing up, but I knew who Michael Jordan was. I knew who's on the show. Everybody. That's the thing about it.

He was famous in like a village in Africa. Yeah. Everybody. Everybody knew him. It's so crazy to be that famous. When are you going to start playing basketball? I'd be cool if I could start now. What if like COVID just kills so many NBA players?

Drafting middle-aged dads? Yeah, that they're like, look, Tom, you're one of the 300 best players left on the planet. That's how bad the talent pool gets. And then I become a star NBA player. What if there's like, there's nobody, even like over six, three left. So I'm like one of the big men in the NBA, you know, like they're like, he's one of the tallest guys in the NBA, guys, just me and a bunch of short guys. I'm like, we're still what's best populations down to fucking thousand.

It's all a bunch of dads, like short dads, middle-aged dads playing. We're all multi-sport athletes. There's not even like I play in the NBA, the NFL and the NHL. I don't even know how to skate. And they're like, you're still one of the best left. I'm a multi-sport athlete. That would be really funny. And they're like, you know, COVID gave some people an opportunity.

It just weeded out the best of the best of everything. Of everything. So now everything's run by dumb people. And I'm the world's greatest athlete. That's how many people die. What if COVID took out all the porn stars? And then I do that too. And you have to do pornography.

They're like, you just scored a touchdown and what are you going to, you're going to go shoot a scene right now? I'm like, yeah, man, I'm busy. You know, I got to give the people what they want. I was listening to our episode, Josh Potter, and how the cure for COVID was in his second dicks. Oh, right. He was going to suck.

We were going to break his jaws so that he could take five dicks. Well, one of the four guys does because there's only three in his mouth. That was the way it went. There's three dicks in his mouth and there has to be four. The four brothers have to come at the same time. And then he's like, we can only get three. And then one of them goes, I got an idea and they reached his mouth and they break his jaw.

His mouth falls open and they stuffed the fourth dig in and he goes like that. Oh, then somebody mentioned that a good idea would be like right before it ends, the door opens and it's their dad and then he fucks Josh in the ass. But then COVID's over. Like it's cured. Wait, so you're saying that Josh has to get fucked in the ass by his own father? He doesn't have to. It's just a bonus in the moment.

He doesn't have to. But because he's celebrating that he's cured it, the dad comes in. What if the cure for COVID is you have to eat out your mom? Jesus. You're saying this about Nadav and Josh right now? Yeah. You have to do it. It's going to save humanity.

Yeah, guys. What if you had to do that? The world's dying of COVID. It's a bummer. It's how the humanity ends. Really? If the cure is in me eating out my mom, a lot of people are going to be dying. That's insane.

But dude, come on. You're so selfish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Christina. I feel like once you see enough families die and there's people are dying all around and they're like, you got to do it, man. There's not enough families that I'd be seeing put to death.

Excuse me. Not put to death. Just dying. Just passively dying of COVID. Because you won't eat your mom out. You're so selfish. Yeah. God.

You are so selfish. So hold on. So if I do eat my mom's pussy, then I'm not selfish? Yeah, exactly. So eating my mom's pussy is the right thing to do in the Senate. You save the world, dude. All I have to do. Oh, I know.

Dude, you're on every billboard. You're on all the talk shows. I'm being put on billboards for eating my mom's pussy. You saved the world. You're a hero. You become an international hero. And everyone knows how I saved it. Well, eventually, not at first.

They just know that you're credited with it. Wait a minute, Tom. Uh-oh. It has to be a video. Yeah, there's a video that starts circulating, and then they go, this is how he did it. Oh, so at first, it starts off with, hey, Nadav cured COVID, but we don't know how everyone congratulates him. Yeah, and they go crazy.

And then the video leaks? The video comes out when they go, how did you cure it? And you go, I'm the one that leaks it? No, no. They ask how you cured it. You start telling them, and they're like, what? And then someone's like, we have the video. And then you show it, and then they go, who's we?

How'd they get this video? They were there, and they were like, am I performing this at a government facility? It's at the CDC. It's a big document. It's at the CDC. It's at the CDC, yes. And they're like, we have to record this for posterity so that this happens again in the future.

We have to prove it to the virus that you did it. Prove it to the virus? Right, the virus is a villain that just wants to see you eat your mom's out. So as soon as the virus sees me eat my mom's pussy, it's like, all right, I'll call it. No, it's not the virus. It's a chemical weapon released by Kim Jong-un, and he's got the antidote. He's the villain. Perfect.

He's the villain, and he wants to see Nadov eat his mom's pussy. There you go. And then once he's happy with that video, then he gives us the antidote, and then vaccine, I mean. It's more plausible now. Yeah. Okay, hold on. So if we know this is going in, then it's like we just have to trust Kim Jong-un that

he'll give us the antidote after I eat my mom's pussy. He's going to. He's going to eat my mom's pussy when he does it. He signed paperwork. It's a deal. He signed paperwork. He's dangling it. He's like, here it is.

And then he puts it in your mom's pussy. And then. I have to fish it out. Yeah. But he's like, only with your tongue. So you have to. You have to do it. He ties my hands behind my back.

And you have to jam your tongue in there, and you pull out the string, and you go, I got the antidote, and your mom comes, and then you go and you save the world. Wait a minute. Do you want me to come? No. She just does because she's excited that it's going to go well now. Can you fucking just do it? Just do it for the world.

What percentage of people would stay alive if I did it? All of them. Everyone stays alive. Everyone in the world. Wait. If I don't do it, everyone stays alive? No. No.

If you don't do it, basically 89% of people die. You know what? We got thin the herd anyways. It's overpopulation in almost every country. Okay, but this way. You might die from COVID. You might die. I'm going to take that risk.

It saves your life. Really? I'd rather possibly die than eat my mom's food. Come on. Come on. Tom, you're telling me you're down there looking up at Charles Bass, and you're like, here I come. You are fired.

Here I come, mom. You're saving humanity, though. Oh, mi madre. Wait, hold on. Ew. Do the guys in there agree with you? I wouldn't do that to save the world. It's saving the world.

Can I put like a bag on our heads so I don't know if they're here? Yes. The world is guaranteed saved after this? Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, do it. See?

Say any. Thank you. That's more believable. Thank you, Eddie. Good Samaritan. Yes. I wouldn't be happy about it, but I'd do it. Of course.

Yeah. I'm going to. I'm going to be hard. Yes. Right, Josh? Yeah, I would do it. But I would make sure that my mom knows it's not because her pussy special. It's because I'm so good at eating pussy.

I would be like, this isn't because your pussy is so good. Remember that. I'm the hero hero. We're saving the world. I'll give you some credit. But this is because of my Conalinga skills and not your supreme pussy. I don't want you to realize that. God, you're dark.

I love it. Dude. Wait, Tom, would you? You would let everybody die? Yes. I would cheer it on. I'd make. You just have to put a bag over her head.

You're saving humanity. No. Babe, you're saving the fucking world. You don't even think it's her. Think about it. I would really lean into mocking people as it happened. What about this? There's no way I'm doing this.

Would you? Okay, different scenario. Same thing. Kim Jong-un has the antidote. But you have to become retarded. You have to change and live your life as retarded. What are you talking about? I'm saying that you save everybody.

You get the antidote from Kim Jong-un, but you're now retarded. We somehow change your DNA and you become retarded for the rest of your life. What? It's not. But think about it. That's a price to pay. You're becoming retarded to save the world. What happens with my life?

You're gone. I mean, you're retarded now. I know. Do I stay at home? Yeah. I'll take care of you. I'll change your diaper. We'll make cookies together.

It's fine. You're not going to be able to do stand-up unless you become Tom Segura's retarded stand-up comedian. We've discussed this before. You do all your material, but as retarded. Okay. Come on, man. I'm just answering the question.

It's not that crazy. I go retarded to help people. I mean, I feel sad for my children. Yeah, and it's such a ridiculous scenario. Okay. Do you still make love to me? That's the whole forest gump Jenny thing. She's Jenny taking advantage of forest.

You're her child. You're childlike. The sad thing is, the only reason I wouldn't is because I don't want my children to get raised by just you and some other hooker. I'm not retarded. Okay. In the booth, would you go retarded to save the world? That's an easy question.

Yes, I would. Why is that an easy question? You don't want your life. I mean, would you trade in a difficult semi-complicated life for a very simple one that you don't need to, you literally don't need to worry about anything anymore. Yeah, but who's going to take care of you? Who's going to take care of you? Think about it.

You can't work here. That's also kind of not my problem. I wouldn't even know. Every day is just the same to me. Is someone taking care of me? Is someone not taking care of me? It's all the same. Am I getting my cereal in the morning?

That's all that matters. And good news, you can eat at Wingstop every day and really not feel any... I'd probably get employed by Wingstop. Yeah. I'd be like their quota. Jesus, guys. It's a diversified hire. Yeah.

You could probably get a job at Wingstop, but what would you do? You'd be refilling ranch, containers. I would. I'd just refill all the sauces all day. Yeah. And... Annie? Yeah.

Would you go retarded to save us? You could use an album. No, no. I would not. Absolutely not. You would let humanity die. But you would eat your mom's pussy with a bag on her head. Yeah.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't like it. But at least I'd have the feeling of victory afterwards like I did this and everyone will know. No, but I'm... He doesn't get to get the reward from the sacrifice and he's bummed because he won't get rewarded for his sacrifice. I won't even understand what I did.

Everyone would be like, you're so good, man. I'll be like, why? What did I... You're going to be the happiest version of yourself. You don't even care that you've done something or you haven't. I need the satisfaction that I do something. That is such interesting logic, by the way, that he needs to have the credit. And he's like, I'm not doing that one because there's no credit.

I mean, it's like... It's so funny. He's not even really doing it to save humanity. Not at all. He's just being like, you're an awesome guy. Yeah. For the accolades. He's so selfish.

Okay. That is hilarious. Josh Potter, are you going to go retarded? I mean, I'd rather be retarded than right now. So yeah, I'd rather do it 100%. Mentally retarded or something. Oh, God. He would rather be retarded right now.

Yeah, he'd do it now anyways. Right, Josh? Yeah, this life that's going on, this quarantine is just breaking my brain to the point. It's like, just give it to me. And I'll take that over quarantine. And then I could smile. I could eat lollipops. I could enjoy myself.

Are you really hating quarantine? Oh my God, so much. Dude, I would do anything to cure the world of the coronavirus to get back on stage. I'm realizing that I don't care how many people die to get on stage. That's starting to happen to me. So I don't know what that says. Wow. Yeah, I'm like, it's bad.

So yeah, definitely. I'd prefer retarded over quarantine. Okay. But you could never perform again unless you became the world's first retarded comedian. Why not? Why can't I be? No, you can. You're just going to have to find someone to help you write jokes.

Don't put limits on what I could do in my future state. I would never. Thank you. Retarded. Wow. Okay, what about this? Okay. No.

That's too dark. Wow. If you stop yourself. Oh my God. All right. Oh yeah. One thing, I think Josh brought it up to you. Why?

If a plane were going down, would you eat my scrum? Like we're about to die. Yeah, but then I'd have to spend my last moments on Earth eating your scrum doing something I don't want to do. Why would I? It's like any. Why would I want to? You're just doing it. You're just doing it because you know the person you love is.

Why would I want to? You're sacrificing your own happiness for one. So like the last few moments of my life, I'd rather be kissing my children. No, no, they're not there. They're not there. Or thinking of my children. Well think of them while you're eating my scrum. Right, so you're suggesting that I sacrifice my last moments on Earth licking your butthole.

Which is something I don't want to do. Why not? I don't want to. I'd rather think of my kids and like hold your hand. But you can still think, you can hold my hand. You can do all those things. But apropos our earlier discussion of how many things give you diarrhea. There are countless problems down there.

You're not a normal a-hole. Like you're not, it's not a normal climate down there. It's always muddy and swampy and yucky. It's not like any's b-hole. His b-hole sees no action. It's clean. Do you know what I mean? Like he shits once a month.

He shits once a month. It's probably pristine. Nadobs is a god damn mess. Potters probably gross too. He's got a lot of air. But yours is just non-stop volatility. It's a war zone down there. We're about to die.

I'm just on all fours. I'm looking back at you. I'm like, please. Right, we're, we got two minutes left. You're going to have to wear with all to do this when the plane's going down. You just go, we're definitely going to die. I just go, I just keep looking back. You going to start?

And everyone else screaming and the plane's going down. People are crying. And I'm like, just real quick. And like nobody would really pay attention because everyone would be so afraid of dying. People would be afraid of dying. Yeah, no one cares. People think they're hallucinating.

Looks like that leg's eating that guy's ass over there. It's really funny. Like, what if that really was our agreement? And then you're like, oh my God, it's happening. Christina, hurry, lick my scrum. And then I'd be like, oh, yeah. And I'd lick your, it's crazy. And then they discover our bodies.

And my face is in your asshole. And the forensic people are like, wait a minute, this lady, her life was saved. But she put her face in this guy's butt hole. Yeah. And it cushioned her head from the blow. The trauma to her head was lessened. She was the only survivor.

Because I ate her ass. Yeah. There you go. Now it's perfect. Now it makes a lot more sense. Yeah. That's a beautiful way to end this podcast. Thank you guys very much for listening and watching.

Hope you're taking care of yourself. Everybody stay home. Stay healthy. We're all in this together. Our fingers in our own assholes. So here is high and tight by David S. We'll see you guys next week. Bye, Jean.

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