Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 558 - Taylor Tomlinson - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

SPONSORS: - Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code MOM20 at Manscaped.com - Use promo code "mom" for 10% off your first order at Brooklinen.com Welcome to Lucifer’s Lair with your hot hosts Tom Segura and Christina P. The main mommies start this episode off by posing a very pressing question: Is B stuff more tiring than V stuff? Jean and Jean then take a look at a new rendition of the Bee Gees classic “Stayin’ Alive.” Tom gives us a dental update, and Christina discusses her recent smurfday and the amazing cake Tom got her. They watch a video of a cool guy vaping, and an equally cool Donald Trump campaign video shot on an iPhone. They transition into discussing the recent Chris D’Elia news, as well as Joey Diaz and the culture of comedy clubs as a whole. They wrap up the segment by watching two more cool videos. In one a guy is able to excrete his beanbag out of his bottom; the other is just a cool lady going crazy on some paramedics. Taylor Tomlinson is a stand-up comedian, and host of the "Self-Helpless" and "This Is Important to Me" podcasts. She talks to Todd and Crystal about starting stand-up as a teenager, her religious parents, the passing of her mom, and her new Netflix special “Quarter-Life Crisis.” The discussion about Taylor’s parents leads Tom to call Top Dog and Charo and ask him their burning question about the B vs. the V. Top Dog insists that back-door is much more tiring. Charo is horrified. The Jeans bring Taylor up to speed on everyone’s favorite psychopath: Garth Brooks, as well as some other cool guys and gals. Tom discusses the brokest he’s ever been, and Christina discusses her Cream of Brown experience. They wrap up by watching some of CP’s TikTok curations, a lane of the Tok that Taylor didn’t know existed.

one two three hello and good morning welcome to another episode of your mom's house podcast i hope you're not exhausted from getting butt fucked all weekend why not well you know that we just keep on running into these issues where we say big naughty words in the first opening 30 seconds of the show and then youtube doesn't like that okay but you know sometimes we go by the radar i think the last episode did fine so you know what just do what feels right well it feels right to talk about butt fucking because tom and i are we don't do it in our private lives but we're really thinking about other people's lives yeah and it's important also to note about youtube youtube is trying to fuck our shit film me yes mom film me she always checks us out on youtube and she's

like it seems like they're trying to miss with you is that right yeah oh wow so you know people get upset about youtube all the time about them do you monetize it yes yeah it's very upsetting especially when we're putting out the most important content in the world this is basically where to seek your election coverage you want to know what's going on in the world in the news yeah with covid with the american presidency with the global economic impact of all this this is the show for you this is a show we cover all the most important current events if you're new to this podcast buckle up for real information real news this is where it happens there is so much to get into in this episode some good some bad some really sad but

hopefully boy we'll balance it out it has been quite a world wind as they say a world wind of of emotions some people say world wind some people do some people don't graduate middle school some people go to a library yeah but it has been quite a whirlwind of emotions for us in the last week so many things have happened it feels like the world is crashing down on us it feels like it so many fronts the pandemic in our circles everywhere yeah all right defund the police let's get started with this uh black trans lives okay all right let's non-binary trans mask don't forget anybody listening ableist non ableist i'm sick of all these ableist rants that i keep hearing on you know different platforms me too he's such jerks with their ableist cisgendered rants

well the cisgendered are the worst kind oh yuck they're so binary gosh everybody must be acknowledged and included all the time and is it so hard to include your pronouns in your bio i mean i see some people doing it but is it so hard so people don't have to guess god people are just ridiculous i know if you're not putting them in your bio on instagram how are we gonna know how to and if you're not wearing a pin with your pronouns how am i gonna know how to identify you all the time how about a few more wheelchair ramps out there no shit i just went into a gas station no wheelchair what and they're driving everywhere i fucking set it on fire cancel it yep did you cancel the gas station take it out of existence and i can't believe people are giving trump a hard

time about using that nazi symbol i know uh advertisement it's like all right wait a minute are you non-binary no are you born gay or are you gender fluid what are you am i born i believe people are definitely born gay but are they also fluid some people's well first of all your preferences your sexuality should be fluid if you're healthy if you're healthy but you should also be proud of all of them and you should broadcast what makes your dick hard let's not forget to talk about buttfucking let's get into the opening clip and then we'll go from there all right here we go here's your opening clip let's go well you can't tell by the way my eyes are lit i'm a tweaker man whoo i spoke to shit i say bumps that don't exist and when i

start to pick i always miss you better come around because i don't care i smoke my pipe and i'm shipped baby try do you understand that honey i'm your tweaking man here i know i tweaking you know i should sleep but i'm staying awake staying awake i spoke of my pipe i was ever single night and staying awake staying awake i said i save a lot i'm gonna save a lot this shit is big who is randy don't bring anyone loving to this don't burn me in the fucking stand welcome welcome welcome to your mom's house with don sigura don sigura

welcome to your mom's house so there's a meth head who wrote a song about i got a fun song about how he smokes meth i know and i like to see tweaker energy going to making art and something positive that's really kind of cool yeah i also can't imagine the allure of tweaking it sounds terrible you know what i thought about though when i saw that video how that guy would be like that guy's fun and funny yeah and then if you were to be like i don't know like reach over and take his pipe out of his hand he would immediately try to murder you like all of his sense of humor would go out the window

yeah it would just switch he would switch like that yeah and he would kill you that tweaker rage but pretty cool it's a pretty cool drug um but he was describing he's like i'm gonna stay awake i'm gonna stay yeah it's funny it sounds terrible staying awake staying awake i hate staying awake so much it's the worst feeling to like stay awake past when you want to stay like it's the worst the other day they're like no no no you gotta catch this flight and you're like oh fuck or like the other day our kid our older boy kept coming into our bed he had a nightmare and he kept us up fucking from 2 a.m to 5 a.m he came he was like nightmare even he says nightmare correctly i'm like vert so he said nightmare i saw that yeah i mean guys nightmare

so no but our son was like a nightmare it was two in the morning we were like both out of it so we're like good good and bad come on yeah he gets in bed and he's like why do sharks bite people and i was like what the fuck he's like why like because he tastes good and then it's like why and like just as you know when you sleep you're just like you you finally reach that like official dozing state yes and then just doze and now it's like 2 30 he's like hey dad i'm like what he's like i'm hungry like shut up four and a half hours it was so horrible but that feeling of not being able to sleep and you're tired i can't even imagine that that's pleasurable and then to not regulate your emotions like to

to go from like you said like yeah but the real thing is that's how good meth is like when you go like well what why would you that's how fucking fun it is how much is it that fun it has to be that's why it feels so good that's why you can do so much that's why you want it more that's why you ostracize your family does feel good have you done it why would i have done i don't know you'd like to experiment you specifically call me out no i've not done this not yet you're young and hip you go to the clubs is that is that what's hot on the streets right now meth you know who would know who Robert Paul champagne uh yeah yeah probably

well i will say when my step sister was on it in the 90s yeah she said she really liked having her meth body and he had his math compared to pcp which feels like what's the difference for you i heard that uh meth is is less uh less scary than heroin that's the only thing that i know really and uh i mean honestly i'd be down to try it but i don't i haven't done it though i haven't done it i've never done it down to try it see you want to try meth i mean i'd be down to try it it's nothing that i'm trying it's nothing that i'm actively seeking i'm just saying i'd be down don't get that out of your head don't don't please copy that okay copy that but let's say you guys were like oh why are you asking any and then he's and then he's like i mean it sounds fun

i always get i almost an appropriate one and then i'm right yeah yeah you guys are just fucking liars you're lying to yourself players yeah just played yourself but i'm so glad to see this guy uh come back into our world it's nice to have the and it's so great because nadov named his file the best name yeah that's right it's one of the great ever it's one of the great episodes of uh what was the title nadov say it out loud plays lung infection like instrument i take a lot of pride in naming my clips that was really good that one really broke me though there's there's video footage of it it really broke me yeah this guy lives afueta it looks like that means outside in the dessert that looks in the dessert is right

those wrinkles what do you think gave him all those wrinkles because his arms aren't as wrinkly as his face it's called easy living just sleep outside for 40 years and then you get some wrinkles he definitely doesn't do botox no fillers no no i'm definitely that doesn't do the dentist but guess who did uh this past oh wow your boy yes sir so exciting this is a dental update the dental update i went to my um i can't we've it's been so long how long has it been since you no no no it's that long it's not that long it's that it's that i i went back to our old dentist from years ago and the reason like we had a great dentist and we moved we moved a couple times

this particular dentist um was like you just know that it's a good man you know it's like he's very honest you can just tell he's a good a guy and he you know great as far as like your procedures and treatment but just like a really good guy and i was bummed out and then when you move we went to a guy who you know may or may not um be heavily to the bds and life which i don't care about but i'm saying um you know then he stopped working so then i i went to i went to the replacement and right away i got that like bullshit feeling it was a young when there's a young dentist for some reason every time i run into a young one they always have a lot more shit they want to do it's like that time i went to the dentist and they said i needed 13 cavities can you believe that right i

remember when you told me that after i told you about my story well it happened to me i was like what okay it's it happened to me uh-huh so eric eric londi was was there that was that was probably before the majority of our audience was formed but that's another incident where they would probably accuse you of stolen valor okay um what what's speaking of stolen valor uh stolen dental valor wow okay literally i worked for i worked for extreme makeover the show and they sent us to get teeth whitening to the guy that was doing whitening to all the contestants on extreme makeover and while i was there they go do you want an exam and i was like yeah and the the not the one from the show one of his subordinates was like you have 17 cavities do you want us to fill them and i was

17 cavities and then i was like no no i don't and i went to another dentist an armenian guy in hollywood why did you have to call him out for being armenian tom because i couldn't say his last name are you armenophobic i remember i tried to say it and he was like jesus like he was as offended as i am at elementary and he was like you have no cavities and i was like what then he told me you know he was like there's there's some shitty that is the crazy thing is that the person who was trying to rip me off was in the no was the young guy at the at the beaverly hills office he was you know i mean so you go oh beaverly hills must have the higher standards and stuff no that's where the scumbag was yeah they were making up now yana may i present my side of the

story yes i was working for a company and they gave me dental insurance this is true story have eric mondy verified to verify this to verify your valor to verify something wait my story was definitely told first on this show okay fine i agree okay i'm not i'm not disputing that all right all right however yana might ask ad i went to a dentist non-armenian i'm not sure what his race was because i don't see race or color okay um and any hoodles the armo was the one who gave me like the inform me that the guy was a liar not the guy who was trying to rip me off oh i see what you're saying okay so i went to burbank because it was near my office that i worked at where i got dental insurance and i presented my dental insurance card so they knew i had the

insurance and then the guy he's like we'll do a full set of x-rays and then he gave me this spiel to you have several cavities and i was like that's fucking bullshit and i went to my old school hungarian dentist and he was like these fucking bullshit you don't have no fucking cavity and then that was that he had like three different accents and just in that one sentence no this is all hungarian accent the point is a similar thing happened to me and i don't know why why we can only have singular experiences and a plurality of experiences i'm not i'm not saying that we can definitely have different different experiences actually what it what it brings to light is the whole point of why i now travel to our old dentist because there are so many scumbag fucking dentists out there

that i go to the guy the honest okay well let's have the update how many cavities do you have first of all okay so i have i don't have any new cavities from this appointment that i had i did have one cavity a couple weeks ago wow and and but i went to him so when he said he's like you should this one's kind of starting you should we should do this one i was like yeah you do it then i went back he told me about he told me that like you can sometimes in an x-ray see what will eventually become a cavity and he goes sometimes it won't progress for like 30 years oh that's interesting it can look like it'll start and then it'll just stop oh that's interesting so he was it was showing me a bunch of stuff on x-rays but it was great

let's talk about your gum scores um you know in threes wow which is what you want and did he compliment you on your flossing or did you get lectured on your lack of flossing he didn't even mention it he goes uh he he was the uh hygienist was like how are you um how are you with your flossing and i was like yeah i could be better and she was like yeah your gums look good so she didn't say that i wow was in bad shape with that either you didn't get any kind of talking no talking did they tell you to brush your back teeth more because i often get that note and i have resented because i do brush a lot i brush frequently yeah more than twice a day i brush like three times a day yeah you do you take it really good carry well because to me to have bad breath is just like

it's horrifying i agree i mean i wake up not okay i had a whole thing with burt last week where he was like he goes i go when do you brush your teeth first and he was like you know like later in the day what yeah what yeah what are you talking about i told him that i i go i pee and then i brush my teeth he was like nobody does that yeah you do yeah i do that every morning and one of the reasons is that like i go i should empty my bladder yeah and then i would like to get this taste out of my mouth and not you know horrify other people with my breath and he's like nobody does that so he he wakes up and then he has coffee and he eats and then sometimes after he eats he'll maybe brush but he prefers just to use a toothpick so he doesn't brush his teeth a lot

yes or no is that true or not that is what he said yeah he's so disgusting he said he brushes maybe once a day but he flosses he uses the picks yeah it's not the same as flossing a b he's so gross so hold on not only is his mouth disgusting and then he takes outdoor showers pool showers the majority of his time and he's building an outdoor shower at the new house so he's like he's like i love outdoor showers he's just going to shower outside all the time which is does he use soap in the outdoor shower yes okay that's fine but not in the pool right no the pool's chlorine but the pool is like it cleans me pretty well can you imagine that lianne puts her mouth on his mouth and on his channels and on his penis all the time yeah he said she's really good at it so another

thing i was like huh you really want to he's like that woman knows how to suck a dick i was like Jesus man is your wife does she butt fuck though i don't know that she does i don't know that she does well anyway that's a it's a good thing to know so you don't have any problems you're good i'm good on the teeth yeah i'm pretty good okay i had my smurf day yeah i turned farty fart years of age i tried to fart 44 times for you that day well you post you gave me the challenge you said are you gonna fart 44 times and i gave you your birthday cake were you excited oh yeah why don't you show the lizards i was gonna post this it is my birthday and my husband got me this cake happy birthday to you and your huge tits

her cell is screaming um that's amazing you had so for those of you just listening he had a custom made cake of my huge tits and you even got the mushy perps in there they're kind of dark nips did you tell them to go dark on the nipples no uh-uh they just kind of instinctively knew happy birthday to you it actually was a really beautiful cake and go ahead read the message it says happy birthday to you and your huge tits that's pretty cool and it has a name plate that says christina on it right yeah that was really cool and um aren't any blushed a little bit even though she misspelled she's forgot the oh there's the tits sliced off yeah and i said go cut the cake and i hand it in the knife and i'm like how happy does this make you to finally cut up tits

like you've been wanting to do for so long and then he did big smiles there's the tip and then i jade my d did you all that violence yep does it say christine did you make her do christine no i actually texted her your name so she just instinctively was like nah what is so hard about my name i don't know like i don't know it's just a mystery of the ages the one that really hurts i think is when it's like uh you know not a close close friend but somebody friendly somebody who like i we've known for a while a few times now yeah yeah and they'll be like how's christine doing and i'm like she's good yeah she's good i say i want to call you todd or tim no no tom's pretty easy yeah it's so three letters man i mean it's hard to fuck it up it is hard to fuck it up

if you like you're meeting someone like hey what was it tim but like if after a few years you know yeah yeah well i had a beautiful birthday uh we had a great celebration and uh i'm excited i'm excited to be in my mid 40s now uh oh speaking of shout out to the tiktok community uh speaking of cool things i do yeah i'm so proud of generation y they punked trump so fucking hard it's pretty funny it is pretty they use tiktok to request seats to his uh that rally in tulsa and they request k-pop fans and tiktokers together and they sabotage it by requesting a million tickets i mean i get it the recall like if your politics if you're a conservative maybe you're mad about it but you have to tip your hat at just it's great so the funny thing is that they they made over a million ticket request

and then obviously if you're the campaign you're like holy shit so then they told everybody in their including trump they're like this is gonna be fucking huge so he was proud before he was like this shit's gonna be popping man he was like you have no idea how big this is so then they show up to the event and there's 6 000 people in a 19 000 seat arena and then he set up or had an overflow area set up they're like we need room for the hundreds of thousands of people oh my god that will be upset that they didn't get in and so they set up outside monitors and a whole thing and there was like 76 people at that so he is so crazy though he was saying on his speech they showed uh i watched the bbc snippet of it and it was like he was like they're telling you to stay indoors

they're telling you to wear those masks you came tonight you're warriors like oh my god you were telling us this is what you know you were telling us for sure whoever will be president next year will be out of their fucking mind either the guy who's currently president who is a delusional narcissistic pathological liar and a horrible human being the worst human being that we've gotten to know publicly or or a guy who is like what now if he can live that's the election okay who said that and you're like no no you we're asking you oh yeah yeah so it's either gonna be a guy who doesn't know what room he's in or the current guy who's just a human piece of shit a pile of human garbage yeah that's it the actually like the best thing you can kind of hope for

oh the world is that biden taps a good vp and then like dies kind of soon after he's left best case there's no way he's living four years if he went there's not a chance how old is he now he's seven he said he'll be 78 yeah he's dead yeah i mean he's basically almost dead so like if he wins they'll be like they'll just they're just gonna pull the vice president so i'd be like you know you're gonna be president chaos you know you better you better like the vp is because that's who's gonna be president for sure um oh my god his commercial that he put out is let me see i haven't seen it it's so insane it'd be like if my uncle made a commercial let me see like it is so crazy okay a fucking ridiculous man i cannot believe this is real we just need a

i'm right up here i'm actually the road's closed so you can turn around in the driveway at the bottom of the hill have a good night cool so the black driver 16 year old has given somebody a ride home right like so if you're listening a black uber driver dropped off this young lady at home she was watching the uh that incident where the older native guy and the young the young kid remember at the park it was like a huge story um yeah this thing is this this commercial was definitely shot for $400 um and then she's like what's going on keep going go keep going go so yeah okay so then she i don't know if you can yeah explain what's going on yeah yeah i have to kind of wait for

it to stop to stop and explain it oh my god this is so embarrassing so in the commercial the uh there's a the black uber driver pulls away and there's a guy behind him who's like go go go and he's wearing a maga hat and so then the girl who recorded it uploaded it to youtube as my racist neighbor attacked my black uber driver and then the world was like holy shit this is this is super racist this is racist racist racist you know so you're seeing like how right like they're showing you the fake news right the how it's been interpreted and then we're gonna get to see like i guess what really happened really it was just a matter of time oh there's a fake like this and i'm really surprised cnn commentary uh something worse

you always ask what does it mean to make america great again okay so then you hear that voice over and you're like oh wow this story's really taken on here's what really happened this nice white guy that looks like fucking sal from impractical jokers oh the black guy was stuck in the ice in the ice in the snow so so the mag geeky goes like i gotta get my mega hat on he puts on his maga hat and he's like i gotta help this fucking guy out he's like hey man you stuck oh the music's triumphant i'm black and i'm stuck he's like hold on so then what really happened is that he was like dude let me fucking help you i saw that you were out here i just saw you stuck and i just threw my hat on that

i'll push your car so he's like hey all right look here's what we're gonna have to do i'm gonna push don't hit the brakes at all you just gotta keep going okay don't hit the brakes at all man i'm pushing i'm pushing go go go keep going don't slow down to make america a better place than it was the day before that's awesome oh no i would not be embarrassed if my campaign made that such super cool commercial it's and by the way i don't think trump stands for like helping other people and helping your neighbor i don't think i've never heard him be like and help your neighbors yeah i'm just saying it's not a platform he's popular

dude i don't know i mean any how would you feel if a guy in a maga hat was like hey man i don't think he'd be coming to help hey you stuck i'd be like no i'm good man i got cops on the way it's all good cops are on the way cool yeah that's pretty uh i mean he trusts them so i i feel i mean production wise you think that was a good ad dude that that scene i thought it was a joke they look like a parody the whole time yeah yeah that sort of like how the last few years have felt right i can't believe that's his take on all of it like racism is a it's fake news it's fake news it's all fake news so bad i mean it's so embarrassing these commercials are generally embarrassing but that was that was so

bad like if you fall for this shit it's so ridiculous i did he pay for that or did someone just make that on their own i don't think you paid for that right i don't know i mean he posted it like someone clearly somebody shot it on their iphone yeah i still like that still came out really weird audio levels like i had to mix it yeah there's no okay so there's no way he because it says what's that says p martinez right there right but here's what's crazy is he's just retweeting fan videos yeah yeah that's so insane he's such a lunatic but then the the opposite will be so painful the opposite will be biden wins and he'll just be like huh what oh mr president who's president you're the president now now but all i want is just i just want to calm for a minute like i would take

a boring malaise presidency over anything remotely exciting ever again for just give me four years of boring can we just let me give you something just do status quo just let's let's let's let's cleanse the palette okay just wipe it clean here this took three loads approximately three wanks and i got my vape full of my cum and every time i try this it tastes different so today when i make my cum i'm gonna tell you what it tastes like i vae no tastes pretty good today as usual it's a little bitter kind of bleachy but there's notes of mango and pineapple in there you know it was a little bit of saltiness to it so you know you get like it tastes like you just ate like a roast beef with pineapple on it which is a pretty interesting

taste for vape juice but you can only get that flavor when you vape your own cum i feel like in my mind this is the guy that directed that trump commercial like he's wearing the director glasses and he has his own vision oh boy hoof you know what reminds me there's an incel documentary that i would love to see that it sorry it was on amazon prime and then they pulled it down you guys if you know what i'm talking about and bbc has it up on their site just google incel documentary oh that smelled cool thank you for sharing and it's on bbc but i can't download it can you there it is inside the secret world of incel that's not the one you were talking about well there's that one and then there's the amazon prime one google down that's

some acronym that i don't understand it's like i n t without girlfriend oh i didn't need the last part i did that grass kingdoms made that it was that's fantastic and i don't think i found what you were looking no so google okay so that is the one i'm looking for you said tfw no hold on there is this one it's called inside the secret world of incels yeah inside the secret world of incel so if anybody can send that to us i would love to see that that's on bbc it's unavailable in the us and then

there's another one on amazon prime just google incel documentary amazon prime and it was released in march of this year and then it was taken down it was at the yeah it was supposed to it was supposed to debut south by southwest festival and was unveiled this week on amazon so i looked and it's not there except for the forgotten regions yeah so for some reason it's not available it's called tfw no gf is a deeply uncomfortable portrayal of incels um they fucking hate women yeah it's like fucking women are ruining everything kind of reminds me of our friend a little of like women should clean up unprompted a little bit of that going on i don't think he's an incel no um but i'm curious to see it so please send it to us if you find if you could get those that'd

be great yeah all right uh we should probably talk about now the big news of the last uh few weeks um felt like a i mean so just to be clear i'm so exhausted for people for people i know but for people who are watching or listening when we talk about this now i we've said it before but you know in just in case you don't know or if you're new to this uh we record the show usually a week before you see it so and i think it's important to say that because between when we're recording and speaking right now and when you'll see it news could come out like things especially these days exactly so you'll have to forgive if all of a sudden you're like wow how far off is this now well like we didn't know right so we didn't know but i mean yeah it was it was it was a really

really heavy uh last you know it's been a week it's been an entire week of like man it felt like our you know i think it's especially difficult and different for some for people when it's people you know and it's like in the industry that you work in but um yeah so a week ago now um and two weeks ago from when you're seeing this um came out that uh like chrystalia had uh has been accused of um you know targeting and harassing um um women and underage women like the accusations are that there are minors involved and it's it was like you know i'll tell you this a lot of times when you see the news like we have it's like somebody it's just a name and you're just like oh that's that person but it's different when you

know somebody you know it takes it takes you it takes you a while to process what's going on um i'll just say that like well first i'll tell you this that he's somebody who uh you know we were never in each other's like inner circles but in my experience with chris i've always had a uh i always had a good relationship with him like a respectful get along you know relationship most of my conversations with him were you know at the store in the parking lot or in the hallway and there were always just normal conversations about the road or what we were doing and um and then obviously we've podcast he's been on this podcast a few times we always had a good time podcasting with him i know um and then yeah you hear this news and like i said it takes you

a while to process it like to understand yeah because i think like what you just said is it's so accurate like when you heard the news of other people doing it and you're like yeah those are comedians but they're not comedians in our immediate circle yeah and it's kind of and it is a different dynamic when it's somebody you know and you thought was one way and then now you're like whoa like it's it is bananas and yeah it's complex it's not like you immediately just go fuck that guy he's he's canceled no you have complicated you have complicated feelings about it and complicated thoughts and emotions about it because of that and i i don't have any it's not complicated if you go like what's complicated about like no no i i believe

the yeah like it's not yeah i'm not saying no no no if if the allegations are true it's horrible it's horrible it's super sad and he'll have to pay for what he's done like that's just the way the world works so there's consequences and he will have deserved and earned them okay like i have i have zero reservations about saying that you know like i was making the point that like somebody i knew you know somewhat and always liked the guy and is terrible to hear and i'm sad for you know if if like i said if those are all true i'm sad for the girls that it happened to i think it's oh my god it's absolutely terrible especially if we're talking about a minor so yeah i i definitely am really sad about that like on so many levels i'm sad for those girls

i'm sad just at the situation it just it made me feel tear like just bummed out yeah i think the first night we we saw like twitter blowing up you and i were just like what is going on i wasn't even it was like i was i uh when the story broke too i thought it was just about him being like a dog right because here's the deal like we and people go like you guys oh yeah that's such nonsense well here's the thing we knew that chris liked girls we didn't think he liked girls do you know what i mean like well yeah i mean he likes well yeah like models are pretty sure and people like wondering like when they like somebody like me who goes like you know i pull into the comedy store you see everybody who's doing spots that night yeah they're co-workers they're co-workers yeah and

imagine jim that you work with you see at the copy machine every same thing every so now and then you find out stuff about him that's and look and possibly for people allegedly troubling for yeah for people saying like what like did i see him with women yeah sometimes and but never questionable ages never never not defending him no i know i just know he knew we didn't know that's something that if that if that is true that is obviously something that you would hold close to the vest it would be a secret um every woman that i saw him with was clearly of age like that i saw him with yeah i never saw him with anybody who i was like how old no i was always like oh it's a beautiful but that's not to say we don't believe the girls that have no it's just saying like to us it's a

shock because you do know this person on a level on a certain level like oh my god is that and at your whole world is kind of reoriented and in our community it's a bomb it's an atomic bomb and it's so upsetting and and i think for days you and i were just like yeah yeah it affected me for days me too like trying to like understand what was going on it you know it would it affected me for days and i do think that like i thought about you know if if that were true if all the accusations are true and if they're they're young it's so it's so bad and it's so terrible and sad i also you know after a couple days i started to think about like how this guy definitely needs help like he needs to be if we were talking about like 500 stories

and the stories were all like just crazy shit that happened and then the last sentence was always like and then he reeked of booze we'd be like you know you're still you're you're going to be held accountable for all your actions there's nothing but by the way you should probably address your alcoholism you know like if they were like that right right and like these stories are it's like it's i'm not an expert but it's like it's pretty clear that this guy's an addict you know yes yes something's wrong here something is definitely wrong and i i hope he gets treatment and in in addition to like you know being held accountable like he needs help i think so too and look i'm all we gotta call out dudes for doing fucked up shit yeah i'm all about it and yep

go ahead we're gonna we have to show that we're not afraid and that we're powerful as women and that we're we can now speak out yeah and then you know and it's totally a right thing to do now long term you go okay now that we've cancelled this guy is that gonna deter all the other guys no that's the thing like i'm just saying on a philosophical debate so let's take it a step further further so i'm saying what's in line with you is like yeah cancel it he shouldn't be able to to continue to do what he's doing and let's make him pay yeah he needs to be held accountable absolutely for whatever he did absolutely now just taking it further how can we stop this from happening in the future how do we yeah make i mean i'm all in a better place i'm on board for you

know that this is the thing i want to be like how do we raise our boys so that they don't think you know what i mean like there is the thing where they you know people are saying like about like the the culture in these clubs right the people are i mean that was a bit like the conversation you know the culture is of the comedy clubs is allowing for this type of behavior and i gotta say just i whatever i say it's gonna be you know seen through the lens of yeah but you're a white male you know right and i go yeah i acknowledge that your cisgender and your ableist i acknowledge that but um you know have i ever heard obviously like crude and not cool things said yeah of course i have but do i find that our current comedy club culture is sick and pervasive

with like that behavior i have to say that i you know i don't go into i've never been the guy who harasses waitresses and and and other female i take female comics on the road with me i haven't seen like i don't feel like this like when i used to go to the comedy store and i would go this place is a dungeon and i had and i couldn't believe people talked about it was in a positive life i was like who the fuck wants to come here yes and i didn't go there for years and years and years i mean i would go on a book show if i was invited maybe once every two years or something you know it was like i didn't give a fuck about that place i worked the improv that was it things shifted when like tommy left adam took over they made that place i mean i've just had nothing but good

experiences there let me tell you as a female speaking as a white cisgendered female yeah um i didn't want to go there either and i got past when tommy was yeah um the overlord of it all and i didn't like it either because it did feel it felt a little yeah just something was not nothing was ever done to me but yeah you just you felt it but now like you said since this been it's this new shift of government there it's kind it's a great open place and so many women have been passed and i don't know i don't feel a single iota of threat or oookiness now so to to look it's all changing and i think we have to accept that now that being said when i started comedy yeah it was a way creepier vibe in general that was 15 years ago and i think we're cleaning it up and it's it's it's fine and

like guys like me like i think the responsibility we have is somebody really is you know there's jokes and then there's like somebody doing something like like harassing somebody you have to call that shit out but i i don't see that i know i'm never actually personally i've never seen it i don't i've heard like you know stories of creepers back in the day at the store yeah but like i've never i don't know i don't know it's so confusing guys and also like we're still processing this so please then the story became that they were they were getting on um like an 11 year old clip of Diaz on rogan's podcast when he used to do it out of his house yeah um and Diaz told some story about um getting blowjobs for stage time uh like somebody like that women had to blow him

for stage time like 10 years prior to that um at the comedy store and like rogan laughed and clapped and people were like this man is talking about assault and this guy's laughing at it and my my initial reaction was like so i i mean i'll just again i know this is a white cisgendered male totally able bodied and everything but there's a couple things that i would i would uh note about that okay first of all to me joey Diaz is a gross in many ways but a gross exaggerator this guy oh i thought you were gonna go somewhere else well yeah no he's also physically repulsive but i meant that that like the guy has i've been hanging out with him for 10 yes plus years yeah about 10 11 10 years i would say every story that he tells me is more outrageous than the

previous one and they usually involve a woman's monkey his helmet a knife drugs robberies sex and i'm always like yeah um i feel like i'm pressing play on like a you know the martin scorsese collection every time he talks and yeah and he's somebody who if i used to i used to like then question his stories like after he'd tell them i go so let's go back to that story like then would you would you guys do with the gun he's like we're gone i'm like you just said that you guys rob somebody with the gun he's like oh like you did and he's like when i go you said you guys were in jersey and he's like no it was natural why you have so many questions thompson like he'd just be like stop talking yeah i go well all right and then i started

to go like like i i'm not diminishing if you say horrific things what i'm saying is that like on these pod i mean i say crazy shit on this show we there's 500 plus episodes of us just like saying outrageous stuff and i've always like said them with the idea that the audience kind of know like the most of them kind of know that we're embellishing making stuff up outright like i talked about wanting to follow a woman alone to tire up i was like that must be a thrill that was on this show um i have to a newsflash like i don't really want to do that i don't really want to like it was to be inflammatory to say something that would make people go like oh my god right it's called entertaining you're being an entertainer so i and i'll say this if joey really did that

i would think it was horrible that a couple other points about that story in particular on that show is he tells it first of all about happening in like 99 so your what you're saying is that he was basically an open mic comedian who then had the power to give stage time out at the comedy store when in 1999 he was a hard core cocaine addict you know so what really what really happened is that he as a drug addict and that woman who was also a drug addict probably did hook up in bathrooms for drugs not for stage time for drugs is that a cool thing no it's probably a really sad depressing lifestyle to be in but i also don't think that what he said on joe's thing is that i also think that joe laughing and applauding is what

everybody in the inner circle fans like i'm a fan you guys are fans or meant some of you are fans of his go like where can this lunatic take this next everything from him is about like Bert tells stories and makes things up but it's fun fantasy it's always like and then i shock on a beer and then i was like you know what this parachute's not going to pull but i'm going to fucking just land in the water and you just know and you know it's not true what joey does the same thing but it's about debauchery it's crudeness it's him taking it to like this upteenth level and here's the thing like you're to try to cancel joey and accuse him of stuff it's kind of fun i kind of hope they keep digging up stories and sharing them because

you're essentially trying to cancel the crazy guy satan at a right like he's a crazy guy on a park bench shouting nonsense shitting in his diaper and saying he's the president like the guy is don't forget also look i love him i love him his brain is mush he he has like fucking decades of cocaine heroin he takes a thousand milligrams of of thc a day you don't think that has some of i mean watch him try to wrap up a story he's out and then he's like what and i i sleep yeah i think too um if if there was an actual woman that came out and was like i this really happened to me oh yeah we won't be sitting here talking like this it's a different story and also like first of all i'm totally against policing anybody's fucking reaction to

anything yeah um anybody can laugh at anything they want to at any time don't you fucking tell me what to laugh it makes me crazy and secondly i think when people laugh at joey you're laughing at the insanity that you're hearing not because you're agreeing with his politics or you're agreeing with his behavior you're actually horrified by the behavior exactly you're somewhat like what you're laughing at how preposterous your insides are uncomfortable right you're like oh my god that's how you laugh you're telling a story about fucking a was it a one-legged a one-legged woman and you're just i mean i openly am like that's so gross oh yeah crazy you're gross you're crazy christine as soon as i tongue your ass while you black out i'm like okay am i got my hand in

the monkey and i got my pinky around around her asshole yeah i'm okay guys she's the fake leg it can't even move yeah she's got diabetes and some shit and i see her moaning and i go i gotta stick the hammer in her mouth what and guess what no one talks like no and the woman in the room is okay i survived hearing the tale because you know it's okay you've known you feel comfortable and here's a thing if you felt you were i think if you felt like you were near like a sex criminal or something you'd be like we can't fucking hang out you can't laugh at that right like he comes in here or when he's coming to our house like he's a maniac i when i worked on that vagus degenerate shoot with him yeah he fell asleep in the middle of a casino room do you know how loud a casino

floor is ding ding ding ding ding there was there was a band playing next to us and he's in front of a slot machine passed out that's how crazy this guy is so can you not don't even try you know you can't cancel crazy guys i don't think he's a predator i don't fucking think so i gotta say this i mean don't think so either if he were a predator i would be so depressed and so sad that that that was the reality and i really don't think that he is i really don't think that he is i think he is a a absolute like a hilarious human being who has a fucking wild life story to begin with and there's all types of shit going on in that head that stream of consciousness is insane his explanation he did an explanation video crazy don't don't i tried watching i was like

10 minutes i made it three minutes and i was like all right i got it crazy because i did a lot of shitty things a lot of creepy things but uh i made a mess but i love him and uh yeah i mean but look this this but this let's let's put him aside at the end of the day at the end of day i believe in this women's movement i believe it all needs to go down it does yeah but at some point we have to live with the opposite sex men and women have to live together on this planet we got to figure out a way and with jews and with jews and we got to figure out a way to solve this shit not just fucking freak out and cancel do you know what i mean there needs to be a little thing well here's the thing whenever there's a movement i understand

women are mad we're mad because we've been fucked with for so long i understand it and we need to overcorrect it before we can come to some sort of resolution yeah but there gotta be it has to be a better solution than just shame the guy take away his livelihood which is all great right but don't i mean that doesn't deter other creeps that's what i'm saying and the long run is that gonna stop a creep who's not rich and famous from being a creeper i don't think so it's a good point i don't know how do we stop it from the very start it also got me thinking about like with with the idea of hey here's the because now they're like here's things people have said and done before like they're on kimmel you know for like his sketches a decade ago what it was but it makes me think

about like you know we're not immune to that oh my god god are you kidding me i know so what i what i could but i i thought about it and i was like well what would they say about like what would i say right now if you wanted to pull out all of our worst clips like stories told things said i'd be like i mean we were uh no i'm serious i know that's why that's why i'm bum like what did i just say now in the last 30 fucking seconds it's gonna be no but what i would say though in my mind is like this is what we've um like this is us we've been trying to entertain and be fun like i like if you played me in a clip from whether it's from last week or 10 years ago saying something horrible i'd be like yeah i thought i was funny i thought it was funny when i said it yeah i was trying to be

funny of course and then if you go like you should be held accountable for trying to be funny like that i'd be like i don't know some people are into it some people aren't maybe you should download npr yeah go listen to fucking what's her name lax me yeah pardon me lax me bing i don't know the point is um we try to entertain we try to be funny yeah and we're not doing anything illegal that's a big fucking difference between hurting somebody's feelings and doing something illegal yeah and like yourself if you're offended go cry that was a nice go crying your fucking diaper all right and um real quick i i will say this this was kind of an interesting thing and maybe a transition out of that i got in bed the other day you were already in bed and it was it was the

evening and i said you know you go how's it going babe are you tired and i go oh i'm gonna sleep like i got butt fucked all day and and then we started to discuss well is that appropriate is an appropriate way to analyze how tired you are and i got to thinking i've never talked to somebody about how exhausted they feel after getting butt fucked a lot and what i want to know from a woman hopefully is when you get pounded in your puss versus when you get pounded in your butt is either one more exhausting like do you if you get butt fucked like really hard for a while are you like oh like afterwards are you like Jesus my butt got fucked so hard sure and how does that compare to when you just get straight vag pound right i have a theory yeah tell me well i mean

this is my i've never been butt fucked so let's put that there front and side right so you're kind of like a cisgendered male commenting on what black america is going through but go ahead exactly right the point is i feel as though butt fucking there's a little more stuff going on you got to clean your asshole out beforehand that's going to make you tired yeah you might be bracing yourself for the penis about to go into a a little more of a tender ony place right that's going to make you tired right the muscle the muscle clenching right makes you tired later right because your muscles are you gotta be like relax relax relax whereas with your vagine you're more relaxed naturally because it's like oh i've been there i've done that i don't i don't anticipate any pain

usually you know and you're not clenching up but i don't know speculation yeah i don't know well i think it'd be really nice if any of our listeners out there could fill us in if you're a lady and i reason i say ladies is because they can do the comparison okay if you're a guy you've been butt fucked a lot you still have a valid opinion but a woman can tell us the difference right that is it more exhausting to get butt fucked versus is it more exhausting to get vag pounded the guys in the booth are nodding their heads they're going this is a really interesting it's a hot topic guys yeah well i'm so happy we covered that important one on this really want to know also i would like to bring attention to someone's own stolen vatler excuse me yama yana i have brought a case to the

court yeah the other day we were comparing resting heart rates amongst friends yeah i wear my whoop and i said oh mine is this number the other friends in my mind is this number all very healthy numbers because i'm a fit mom and then you go oh my number is blah blah blah so low so and you were everybody was like dude that's awesome like the other the other people were like that is awesome that right and you are so gloaty and and braggadocious about it and then i i thought to myself yeah but you have this weird heart condition i don't have a heart what is it what's the condition that gives you a lower resting heart rate than most people my honestly what is it the doctor the doctor said i would he said your sister's just more john blaze than everybody else

that's what the cardiologist said that is not what he said it's exactly what he said direct quote i can get him on the phone i can get him on the phone get him on the phone right not right now the point is yana is that you have stolen resting heart rate valour because you're claiming that you've earned it and you haven't earned that low resting heart rate it's just there it's just there so it's stolen heart valor you can't say that you've earned it because you have some kind of heart anomaly a genetic anomaly or something i went to i had all the doctors all the tests i'm going back this week i know i'm going back this week they're checking out all my stuff and uh yeah they've told me that my resting heart rate is ridiculous yeah but you haven't

earned it it just is it's sort of like stolen heart valour and just like you have stolen dental valour with your made up dental story dental valour that is a true story i can call eric london the fans know the truth they know they know that you're a psycho and that you don't ever want me to have any kind of glory because the key glory i am the seeker everybody knows it i am the seeker you won't let me have that you're the seeker thank you thank you and i'm just seeking the truth and i know that you're lying okay can you can you name what i'm listening to okay okay hold on she's listening to the Beatles something in the way

uh do you have a guess okay okay now the fact that she can speak clearly means there's nothing in her mouth so i'm gonna go with not dick sucks originally i thought dick sucks obvi so it's not a dick suck i'm thinking she said there's a fist and a cock you got yeah good good at thank you i'm gonna go with she's got a fist in her b-hole and a cock in her v-hole wow uh nadavka you way in yeah i'll say christina you're really close uh there is a fist in the v-hole uh and there's nothing in the b-hole it sounds kind of bummed out of that wow there's why are you so bummed out what's the problem well i got a text last night at around nine i was getting ready for bed because you know we have early call times on

show days yeah and and tom just sends me very vague links to heavy r.com that are just category links yeah and he's like hey go into here find stuff that sounds funny looks funny and prep it for tomorrow it's like i'm supposed to be in the studio in 12 hours and tom just assigned me half a day's work yeah did you stay up till two in the morning no i told him hey can we push this to maybe next week he's like get at least a couple oh my god you're so where did you find this website well here's the thing that's a really cool story go ahead i have learned what the r stands for in heavy r.com you don't have to share it um what's r no no because it ruled out a lot of the clips that i thought would have been fun but i just learned it after you told me don't worry about it

so uh if you want to know how i found this site i found this site um i was directed to it by a friend of ours which one norm from norm sumerton norm sumerton yeah norm sumerton um actually is the one who pointed me to heavy r um he goes this when we played the his um his uh famous clip poutine you know imagine a pig with tits he i love pig he goes i uploaded that video originally to heavy r and so i was like oh okay and i went to the site and i was like whoa this is different than most of the adult sites i've been to before it's heavy it's heavy it's real heavy is that the uh what's it called those are bagpipes yeah so i had to slow down the speed so that the

algorithm doesn't take it but uh and like she's what's happening in that clip um so let's see is that the clip that says oh too it's yes okay so the clip that what i've named that clip is super pierced so if you listen because she has like 20 piercings on her veg okay so you can hear all of those piercings move as she's getting that's what the jingling is super fisted well look i know that um yeah now how do the bagpipes come in uh i think they're watching the departed or something uh i have we have to wrap up here in a moment to stop down but just before we go i just wanted to show you one thing sure that's pretty cool okay what did you just see can i see it again i didn't think that was possible

wow his own balls out of his ass this guy stuffed his own balls in his ass and then i thought i've seen everything that was it that was all your balls aren't tender for the stuffing part you know i mean yeah how does he get his nuts in there uh i don't think that's the first time you i think i think he's done that a couple times so he got camera we leave this up for our guests well when you first see it you're thinking hemorrhoids and then you start seeing the action happening like oh no this is something i mean i thought something was up there and i you know it's funny as i always tell tom i'm like dude dude when you find out what i'm gonna tell you you're gonna fucking shit your dick out your balls like i say that to him at

home all the time like you're gonna shit your dick out yeah and this guy could probably shit his own dick out i feel like if he works this guy's got a big dick and big long balls long balls like he should he probably makes really cool content regularly does he have an only fans account i'll uh i'll get zola on it yeah he seems pretty cool get zola let's um let's just i gotta clear the screen so uh why i really like this what are you gonna name this one the dog it's called shit out your balls i'd like shit out your balls shitting out balls this is probably one more time before we got this uh chubby little fuck face you're trying to tell me that i'm being violent there is no violence screaming is not

violent violence you fucked hard in a minute it's pretty good we got a wrap we got a wrap all right we'll be back soon oh i'm so excited our guest today is someone who opened for me five years ago in san diego and is now on netflix right now quarter life crisis quarter life crisis the very funny taylor thomas thank you so much as the most applause i've gotten in three months important to know that it's also a comedian a comedian lady a very attractive 104 seven we're back very sexy funny ladies in the house oh my god did you get to do a lot of radio yeah did i get to yeah i had to yeah we'll say did you have those intros yeah oh my god there was a guy i think he was a florida dude um but that might just be an assumption i'm making sounds right i

think it was and he 105.9 15 past the hour really funny it's super sexy comedian that would have been so much better at this guy this guy intro'd me by going this comedian a new netflix special quarter life crisis also made an appearance in my shower this week uh don't know if that's okay to say anyway taylor thomas and i was like is this how you do it like i also made an appearance in my shower yeah a couple times this week and i was like was he really old i don't know i can't i mean i assume it was i mean can i follow up and and ask you uh did you did you shower with that person no have you butt sexed before have you done okay straight up have you ever been butt fucked so much that you're like really tired after i i gotta go i gotta leave what we're trying to

figure out i feel like science is there oh my god there's no exits in this room that's crazy how did i they're locked how did i even get in here this is what we were talking about i mean this is serious science this is a real conversation debate here is that do you think it's do you get more tired butt fucking or i'm not the person that agile you don't butt fuck i mean we don't butt fuck either so i didn't know could you make a could you guess if you had to get vag pounded for a long time and then butt fuck the next day for a long time which do you think would tire you more this is my favorite thing you guys started by making fun of radio interviews that start like this yes yes and then you wait you know what actually that guy was on to something well here's

the thing let's do here's the thing it's an important question like he was being gross we're trying to figure out oh you're scientists that's what i'm saying it's really different you know and we were having this conversation before you got here yeah now this is a continuation of the first part of the show but in all seriousness know that seriousness that i was so blown away by taylor when we did the comedy store in la joya together and this little girl when you were you were five years ago 21 i mean at 20 years old and she is and was back then a fucking killer bro killer a killer i mean to see somebody so young so put together and your act is great and most people don't have much to talk about when they're very young but i feel like you really

had great topics and your your structure was so good your performance and anyway i'm so blown apart christ is a huge fan of yours as well yeah and he turned me on to you he's a huge fan and anyway when the fuck did you even start stand up you i started when i was 16 because i'm so jealous i know it's not like a cool story though i started because my dad wanted to take a stand-up comedy class from our church comedian and he wanted to do it together and i don't even think he thought i was gonna be good he was just like you can write for me and it was just like a fun thing for us to do together that sounds cool so wait you started doing it with your dad i started doing it with my dad and he would like drive me to gigs and stuff because i

started like doing churches and schools and shut coffee shops like anywhere that comedy in what city yeah i was gonna say i grew up in tehmikula oh yeah and then yeah so i was like an hour from san diego so yeah commuting to san diego that's it what's the casino the pachanga pachanga i bombed there a few times i've never performed there haven't been asked yeah and now i won't no it's great it is great it's great is it great it is great they have a beautiful venue actually they have a like that having played countless casinos being on that property and like the way they treat like as the act and like the the the way the hotel is and the properties run and everything it's fantastic did you do the club or the theater i've done both okay i've done both i started at

the club i've done the theater a few times now it's really nice but i have to ask you about church comedy because that seems like the most awful place like you said coffee houses and churches probably the worst places to be funny because what the fuck are you gonna what's the joke in church and and what are you probably your first do you think jesus would get tired from buttfucking all that right something like that yeah can you fit his balls and jesus didn't have balls how this is i will not stand video okay you got it did jesus do this no but the point is live what was your first show hold on oh my god wait but why why watch he had his own balls in his ass and he should i should have listened to this show before i just to know what well it's

christina's favorite clip don't look at me it's your favorite well i just discovered it today and did you see it though i feel like you don't see it do you want to see it again no please tell me what happens in it just tell me i don't want to look at him he has his own balls stuffed in his asshole and he and he pushes them out this is but he's really like he's got a really nice body you know what at this point these are the people who are still making money so i'm like you know this guy makes a ton of money i'm desi oh yeah he's got a huge fan base look how long his balls are so long oh my god this is so long wait so what's your first church joke so is it like knock knock who's there jesus dead nailed to the cross when babe and it's important to remember that and let's all

bow our heads um no i mean i started when i was in high school so i didn't have i you know i wasn't having sex it's not like i was like oh i can't tell my sex jokes like that's true have anything to reference you know i think because i'm so jaded and dark and i like guys stuffing nuts in their butts that i can't even imagine an act that's not full of filth and smut and butt fucking you know i mean yeah no there are some there are some church comics making bang of which is a great oh well you take she well she needs to turn her head at some point she takes oh oh yeah sorry i feel like i should have said before i come in here like oh by the way i don't watch porn yeah while you bitches are over at your man's place trying to pop pussy and be impressive

and let him put it on your face getting faceless and shit no you need to get you some notzema what's great um thank you well you said to change it okay she's just got notzema on her face i think so what's the rap here i don't know if there's something else here let's see get you some authentic apricot scrub exfoliate bitch because while you were there popping pussy now you gotta pop some pussy on your face get with the program hoe okay exfoliate i'm gonna go order apricot scrub right i like that one sane eyes when i get home yeah sane hives um so do you remember your what's the first it's like hey guys i just got my period today you know when you just start bleeding and you're like what um no i mean i think i apologized a lot for being young which

you know is nothing has changed uh on that front but yeah i remember like i used to open sets when i was in high school with like i know i'm young and i don't want anyone to be uncomfortable with that um and i know that they're like some generational differences and like just making fun of the fact that i'm like oh everyone here saw titanic in theaters and i saw it on vhs which means i cried because leonard de caprio didn't look like that anymore like now cuz he was dead like shit like that where i was just like how do i talk to adults when i am a child and i probably shouldn't be talking right to this many people which is so interesting because that that is what that is that's a power shift and i'll did you know that amanda bind

started stand up to is like a young girl she's like 12 or something yeah which is so it's so and she was really good as well like she had her own sketch show it's crazy which was like huge when i was a kid i'm amazed that you started that young i really am i always heard the stories of the comics who started in their teens and i'm like bill hicks this is unbelievable like that that because i think about like looking back i go you know i think if it had been presented to me in some way that i would have been drawn to i mean i was living in suburban places where it wasn't even remotely feasible like in small town but i go man the the the balls and like just the you know having the drive to do that at day it's impressive it really is you know thank you're

you're about to be uh you're 10 years in right now yeah that's crazy crazy you know i mean and that might be it for me this is no you should retire why aren't you why are you saying that well it's a thing where like i thought you know like i'm sure you did like okay i'm gonna put out this special and then i'll just go tour really hard and it'll be great and obviously everything shutting down yeah you're kind of like you're gonna be you're gonna be great you're gonna be fine it'll come back eventually yeah it'll come back eventually you have to remember that this is just a moment and the good news is everybody watching you now can go and watch your netflix special and fall in love with you the way that i have and tom has and you'll have this great fan base when

you go back out so thank you but how'd you get so goddamn business savvy like uh when i was talking to you in the green room you're 20 years old and you're just so smart like when i was 20 what the fuck were you doing at 20 right like i was smoking cigarettes i was taking lsd oh you were cool no like you just sound cool yeah i'm not doing uh i wasn't doing anything remotely normal did you go to college i did i didn't finish i went to go i went to cal uh cal poly in san luso bispo for like a quarter and it's like a beach town like there's nothing to do there except like hike and be pretty and study engineering and uh there was nowhere to do stand-up really i know they have that festival there but i've never done it um and i just was like oh i want to do stand-up so i went home and

went to community college for like a year and a half which felt like a huge failure because i was like i had a 4.1 in high school like all that wow you did oh i was like i mean people are like how do you stay inside and not see anyone for three months i'm like i was literally grounded every summer for having bees like my dad was like straight a's or nothing um well hold on back up so your parents are they like super religious super strict what what's the religion just christian just christian like not like pentecostal what is what does your dad think because especially because he did that thing the what does he think now to have you be a successful comedian with a special on that like is he blown away i i think he thinks it's cool you think i think yeah i think he hasn't said it

no i think he's he said he called me like the week before and he was like he was like a lot of people are excited it's coming out and i was like yeah like he's like it's pretty cool he goes no he goes it's really cool he's like you're gonna be on netflix i was like yeah i hope people watch it and he goes oh they will and netflix is huge right now and let me tell you why dave chappelle no he's got insight yeah i was like i mean hey good for you no how would your parents respond if we called them right now and we said what do you think's more exhausting getting buttfucked for hang up oh they would or try to save you i don't know what your mom said uh what would your parents say uh we can call them and ask them let's ask them do you really like do you mind we'll just take a quick

interlude into this nonsense well yeah you keep talking but let me talk to you somewhere so dad's really is what's mom like uh mom's dead but my step mom's really cool when your mom died uh when i was eight oh so it's you know and that's why we're on netflix and that's why you're funny yeah and so how traumatic was that to lose your mom at eight uh not very it was actually like pretty fun i no joking it wasn't super oh that's where her darkness is that's where you put that put you know what's really great is that that's where your darkness lies and that's where it's where your sadness is and that's where you get funny right it's not good i'm just saying at least you know okay that's my bag of bullshit in this world oh yeah when people don't have something traumatic in their childhood

i'm like hmm i don't trust you i am envious of those people i i'm envious and i was like well that just means you're not going to be in therapy for a decade like i was to deal with my stuff but seriously anyway oh hold on we gotta ask a very we'll get back to your dead mom in a second this is science this is important hey dad hey buddy hey real quick question i'm doing a thing right now do you think what do you think's more tiring like if if you get butt fucked for a long time or like vaginally it pounded for a while say it again i i just had a step over i was saying what do you think's more tiring to get butt fucked for like a long time or vaginally pounded oh back door back door is much tougher yeah unanimous yeah much much tougher yeah yeah you know you gotta worry

about you know lube brown town the whole thing yeah and do you think it's just like emotionally a little more taxing well if you're a catholic it certainly is okay um do you think mom could weigh it on this i don't think uh this is not a topic of your mother really is up to speed up do you think that we could just float it to her though uh yes you can ask your listen i'm in the middle of a conference call you can ask your mother this question is she there okay thanks see this is the type of place you just need a meeting i don't hey mom hey mom can i ask you a quick question yeah okay what do you think is more exhausting to have vaginal sex but like aggressive vaginal sex hold on hold on hold on no mom i need you to weigh in on this no no hold on hold on hold on hold on

so like half an hour but like really aggressive bang bang like really aggressive or the same thing but in your cooler like anal sex do you think anal sex i told me please no i just need to know what you think but i am going to hang up and i'm not at you okay this is totally disgusting okay i love you bye mom i love you bye okay bye bye i think she meant it i think she meant it she sounded like me when you guys played the ball video it's like what is happening today she's really mad at you yeah yeah but i don't care yeah well you just send her a toy let's just send her another ipad or something yeah it's fine it's fine i'm not worried at all what is it like being so rich that you don't care if your parents

are mad at you feels good you're like i could fix this yeah oh i don't think money ever deterred this i think we were always this way but now you can send them ipads now we make it up to her with trinkets right with ipads um so anyways i'm glad your dad agrees with me i think in the back there were two but back to taylor she got so mad that was great so mad so eight years old and what does your mom die of uh cancer pretty standard breast pretty standard i think it like became breast cancer it was hodgkin's lymphoma that's what my mom had oh really but non-hodgkin's non-hodgkin's lymphoma i think it was i don't know the difference yeah it is one sucks both is she okay she's dead oh okay all right all right yeah i mean but my mom was crazy so i know

what it's like to grow up without a mother you know and i think especially as a as a girl that fucks you up in a very special way yes how old were you my mom was always mentally ill so since always and then she died when i was uh uh 2015 so just a few years ago yeah but um but yeah and how so your dad was very strict and was he protective uh yeah yeah did you have siblings i have three younger sisters oh three yeah yeah yeah so they were two four six and eight or and i was eight so everybody yeah disaster so you're the oldest and now you've got to help essentially raise your younger cibs right right yeah yeah yeah which is an interesting dynamic as we get older where i'm like i've been helping out and they're like we don't want you to help raise us like

we're adults and i'm like but everyone texts me when they get home and they're like bitch yeah fucking leave me alone you're back in 12 yourself yeah exactly i'm like 12 i'm like all right everyone's going to bed at seven they're like yeah all right which explains why you would be so mature at such a young age i mean that's why when i met you at you know 1920 you were already on it yeah that accelerated your maturity for sure right you had to be you lost your childhood at like eight right it is though a little embarrassing to admit that i'm the oldest kid and i still chose uh this job and entertainment like how much attention do you need but what are your okay what do your sisters think about their big sis doing this they love it they think it's great i mean they all

came to my special day thing yeah yeah yeah where did you shoot uh i've shot it at the aladdin in portland oh that's awesome wonderful yeah and uh this is like 500 seats my parents have not watched the special uh and they have not watched it they have not watched it no i didn't know if they had or not and then my stepmom was like we have not watched it and why because uh my dad is not ready for that i guess which i there are jokes about my dad in it that he knows about already so i'm not worried about that like i told him all the jokes beforehand because like my worst fear is that somebody in his office or at church is going to come up and go that one joke about this and butcher it and then he goes my daughter called me a nazi on that right you know like something right that's

misquoted butchered so i just told him beforehand and he was like okay thank you i appreciate that and i think i also cushioned it and like my dad is great you know so i tried to be careful about it um and then it's really thoughtful you know it's you know you're i tried to be um there was a story that i had about my grandma in it that she was like please don't do that and i was like all right you got it like i'll take it out um so it definitely depends on who it is i mean i didn't run certain jokes by you know ex-boyfriends or anything but uh yeah with my dad i was just like here's the heads up but i no dad wants to watch their daughter talk about sex or dating or anything like that i'm like why it's not for you like you wouldn't you wouldn't be a fan of me if i wasn't

your daughter right you know like would it and would it hurt my feelings if i saw like two you know middle-aged white people from tomacula walk out of a show of mine i'd be like i get it like that makes sense you know that's not what i'd want either um how's your step mom she's a she's good i mean she's okay she's okay no they're not great they're very hard to get a great step parent let's be real here's a very hard job to begin with i mean a step parents first job i think is to be like amazing for your parents who's been alone and she's like she and my dad have the best relationship i've maybe ever seen wow like they're so compatible they're so supportive of each other in like a patriotic way where they're just like this i will live and die for my country no

matter what like they are on each other's team like no matter what does she bring kids in as well or no oh no no she but she went into a relationship with somebody who had four kids yeah that's admirable really yeah oh my god it's amazing how old were you when you got her uh nine damn yeah they got married 10 months after fuck it was quick so was he like was he seen her or do you think wouldn't know no no no no no okay no they met after no i mean it's fair question but not at all no she worked with my grandma my dad's mom and she had like heard that again everyone's christian so if they hear like somebody struggling they're like can i donate money to hospital bills so that's what she had done didn't know our family wow yeah she's like wow kind of a great person and so my dad called her

to thank her and then they started talking and she's like i'm married that was it was that what he said probably no i think he like took a minute and was like i don't know if i can yeah and then they started dating and you know when you're religious amazing yeah oh that's true and yeah there's really no dating it's like yeah you're we're in it or we're not yeah married we're not oh god so you get your first period and it's to your stepmom i yeah i mean i told like a nanny i think that i was bleeding and they were like all right here's a pad yeah because i uh because my mom was so crazy that i would never share anything with her actually or my father it was always like keeping secrets so when i got my period i was like nope no one's knowing about this this is my own

fucking thing man and then i actually my mom did find out and she was like let me see it and i was like oh bitch no i won't show her your period she wanted to see the blood and and i was like no why did she want to see it because she was mentally ill and intrusive and weird did she think you were lying no she just wanted to be a part of the fun i don't know she was like i just want to see it i want to know you girl i want to be inside your pussy i'm like she just want to be a part of it i mean you've never when you're menstruating put a bunch of yarn up there i just realized just crochet you want to know something i think my dad could shit his balls out of his ass i think i could i do based on how quickly he answered your

question yeah there was not a moment's hesitation he was like oh for sure yeah for sure and i've seen his balls well his balls are very hangy you've both seen your dad's ball in what context cruise oh okay all right that's fine it was a cruise if you said anything but cruise i would have been like that's not okay no we were on a cruise and his dad was in bed and his he always wears his boxers for comfort and like he was just he rolled over and i was like it was just a flash oh okay it was i didn't see anything yeah but also the way he handled it was odd because i was like hey man like this is my lady you think you could he goes okay sarah like stop being why don't you go tell on your mom i was like yeah i shamed cover your balls like it was so unmasculine for tom to stand

up for my right to not see to not see his balls now i've seen them way too many times yeah most recently it was him changing and like he bent like i looked over here and he was bending over and it looked like pig nuts like they were so low i mean you know he's 72 or something but they were so hangy and dangly why is he changing in front of you i don't know i just like walked in the room he was like hey you know oil me up and let me change and i was like all right so he was uh give me a back massage no he was he just uh he just i guess i probably just walked in the room while he was changing you know okay so it's your fault it's my fault all right but i still notice that those things were like really should i call him and see can can you think he's on a conference call

but you think he's still on it i don't know dude like we could ask him i'd like i'd like to know more yeah yeah clearly ask him let's ask him you want to see i want to see if he can shoot his own well also like mom my mom might get on and she's so mad that's kind of funny like what does he do for a living he's retired now he was what's he on a conference call with it's a good question i have no idea i mean don't you look like aren't you envious of this relationship he has with his parents that he can call them and i don't want to see my dad's balls but you couldn't call your dad and be like dad could you shut your balls out of your oh yeah i'm very jealous of that yeah i'm so honesty and openness that sounds do you have to hide a lot because they're super christian

your dad on your that's a yes i think i did earlier but i've never really hidden anything but did they know when you started banging and stuff no no so you had to hide it yeah but i i waited till i moved out are you super christian do you are you a faith yeah do they know that yeah are they okay they know now no you're calling for you he knows yeah he knows better yeah you're fucked is that hard to that to that you respect the fact that you tried though that you were like she's pissed and he's on a conference call but i think i could get another clip out of these guys do you ever do you ever just call them and go like i know this is annoying that i did but like i do make so much money and i know they assume they already assume they ask for things my mom

especially oh yeah she asks for a lot of stuff okay all right regularly and she's like you can afford like what are you doing though wait did you call the house line no i called i called his cell phone they have a call your mom maybe call your mom yourself i want to get to the bottom of this now well you only want to piss her off this is how you're doing it all right i like getting her mad too it's fine text her that video that's a good idea i bet you she's definitely not gonna answer you're calling oh she she she sent me she sent me to voicemail immediately oh my gosh she's upset she's upset so i'll send her i'll send her go ahead i'll send her a text okay i'm really so you're not religious uh and your parents they know it i think so did you go to christian

schools growing up you weren't thank god no we just went to church every weekend so how did so you practiced in coffee house insert and then when do you start going to the comedy clubs because you can't get in legally until you're 18 yeah i started growing i was 18 i had never even been to a comedy show until i was 18 and then the only comedy show i've ever like paid to go see was i saw like marin and maria bamford at the ice house like right when i turned 18 and i never been inside a comedy club and i was like oh this is how it's supposed to sound like this is how it's supposed to feel and be and i was like okay because before that i mean i was coming up in this world where everybody's like you're gonna be so successful as a christian comic there's

nobody as young as you like especially female like all these things and they're like you're gonna you know it was already like getting paid to do stuff and i was like maybe i could just stay here have you ever thought of of like leaning into that lane though like for like for the work of it you have to be they will not i mean i i have a friend who got hired for a church gig who's a great comic and can do an hour clean with his eyes closed and they like the church like found out he was bringing his girlfriend and like fired him like what yeah you have to be that all the time you have to walk the walk you really really do it's like country music like yeah they find out that you're not really that humble pie bullshit you're out yes oh you want to see some funny shit do you follow

garth no uh so you like garth brooks do you listen to garth brooks i couldn't even tell you what he looks like thank god oh that's funny that you say that because we're gonna examine exactly what he looks like um he's been doing a bunch of interviews um and i don't know if you noticed that like he's been doing stuff with uh the full beard that was real dark yeah and he didn't have a good line on that beard but then he's doing i mean he's doing all kinds of stuff but so his social media is odd like his the way that he runs it i don't know it's just strange and we're always kind of breaking it down but here he's a uh something he did about let's see words with friends he does words with garth oh boy everybody garth brooks here before we even get started yes these are the

craziest times i've ever known to exist so people the great thing about people is that we're all meant to be together and even in this virus and even with social distancing we're going to find a way to be apart together why is he smiling when he this is him tom this is him this is the worst pandemic the worst time i've ever experienced and i wish i was dead but you know the best thing is we're together y'all y'all need to program me what words do you was there a cut in there or was that a glitch i thought there was a cut i think they did like i think they did like a punch in yeah for this is 10 seconds long you need to edit yeah yeah yeah you can twitch prime and zinnia has come up with this great way to do it in the games that they play

now first of all my wife has all her buddies over every thursday night for think all wind down but she has them over over the internet on zoom all the wine you can hear her it's called wine down but you can hear they're talking even though they're spread out a little over the country moa has her buddy though anyway you gotta watch this document that's great now let's play a park together okay with zinnia and twitch prime that's going to happen so here comes words with garth this is going to be stupid fun why would it be stupid fun so is he saying he's going to do shows on twitch or he's gonna you're gonna play words you're gonna he's gonna play words with friends like words with fans it's words with garth yeah so it's like stupid fun so it's like that's your

scrabble right right but his words are like this is who you're gonna play scrabble with bodies how fucking crazy and then man just how different does he look right here oh yeah i can't believe this is happening so the driving thing it's over a hundred thousand cars i wanted to get in this thing people at five people a car that's great are you kidding me oh he's totally a silver dog his hair is totally great this isn't ticket master okay it isn't like the regular stadium show this is a group called universal do the drive-in theaters so they're not used to these kind of numbers and they are processing as fast as they possibly can if i can use the term assholes and elbows they are going well wait a minute that's not how you use it what's assholes and elbow is that where you put

your face down ass up that's how we like to fuck elbows down ass up is that what that means that's definitely their butt fucking their way into these tickets stuff is that what it is that's what it meant yeah it so this is a documentary okay what is happening are you who is this do you have netflix it's a streaming platform so he he there's a documentary on there that you should watch be prepared to see him cry a lot such a sissy he cries everything that he talks about he cries everything really everything every song that he ever wrote talk to every memory of a parent a teacher a friend a wife my kids every he's like everything for it's a two-part you know each one's like over an hour just the whole time just balling it's strange i don't know it's bizarre you should

watch it be patient this is gonna be a fun night he always does that too it's gonna be a lot of fun is this clips from that no okay bring the food everything and have the time of your life kind of fun going to the drive in i just love it i mean this just doesn't feel like i just love it i just love you guys very much again patience patience please and thank you again for always taking care of me oh my god he's gonna cry right he's about to cry right there they're playing the movie for everyone in their cars and it's beautiful doesn't he look so these are these are the lighting's much better here yeah they're still they're filmed eight days apart yeah this is not you know oh yeah that's you know some of us aren't meant from natural light

some of us are strictly studio light yeah well and also he's very silver so i don't know also let's be honest the drive-in theater thing he took that from Bert that was Bert's idea clearly he's gonna say he's totally that's stolen valor style he styles like Bert Hart big time big time theater let me guess he's gonna bring 30 dogs on stage at show he's gonna 69 the canines in his defense eight days during a pandemic might as well be 10 years hold on as far as aging a person wait had it hold on a second bruh nadav just how do you know this uh because i was in one of the announcements that he made about it he's not going to be physically be at these 300 drive-in theaters all at once on the same night he's performing in one place it's

being broadcast to all i would you even show up to see that just watch television why would you why would you do that i'm honestly i'm really impressed with this money move it's really smart it's a smart money by the way i uh that makes no sense why wouldn't you watch that documentary did you you're definitely too young to remember this but he played central park in like 1997 or it's in the documentary and legitimately a million people came to it oh my gosh yeah a million people were at central park to watch him perform i thought it was one of the craziest things i was like what and they were all i mean it was just bonkers it was the footage of it is insane it's insane wow you know what i i don't know why i'm thinking this right now how's it y'all later i just

picture him taking his shit garth what i don't know why but right now i'm picturing garth taking his shit is that your mom no she won't write she's not she's really mad because i wrote a nice apology she didn't write back oh did you call the house let me try let me try calling her for my cell phone look at him lighten up over this anyways um you're dating a comedian i was gonna ask you guys question yeah how does it feel um that you two are responsible for so many comedians justifying dating each other we are is that true oh my god every time comedians are like we shouldn't date but like tom and christina that way that works like wow you don't know that this is a thing i didn't know you guys are i mean you shouldn't be you're enabling a lot of people to make bad choices

but you're like one of three successful comedy couples i know and i mean here's what i think how long have you and sam been together like ten months i think wow since like late september mid september that's great and now you're quarantining together yeah or what's going on yeah yeah yeah how's that is that can accelerate a relationship or decelerate the relationship oh my god yeah well we were already long distance so we were already kind of like figuring out like but now you guys are like that's another level if you've been staying together oh yeah that now we're no distance now we're just on top of each other all the time and like the first month the first like month or two was just kind of like oh my gosh we never see each other this we've never seen anybody

we've dated this much this is kind of great we were tired like let's hang out and watch movies every night and uh make pasta and then at a certain point you're kind of like ooh we have to take turns being depressed because if we sync up so we kind of just take like shifts or we try to and then some days it's just like everything's we don't have identities or jobs and what do we do and let's just you know that's kind of yeah i mean i'm sure a lot but like it's like that for everybody in a relationship right now like in the beginning of this i was like oh worst time to be single and now people are like oh my gosh it is so hard to be in a relationship right now i know and i'm like is anyone in a good position during this i think i always thought that this this highlighted

what your reality is so if you have a good relationship you're like check out how good our relationship is by this and if you had a bad relationship then like it really you couldn't hide from it anymore right you know yeah definitely especially like in marriages or live in you know living together relationships because if you're sharing the space and you have a quarantine going on and you guys don't get along like it's going to become pretty obvious pretty quickly right yeah you guys i mean how long have you guys been married 39 years we'll we'll be uh we'll be 12 years married in november okay and you guys like started together right pretty much comedy wise like you started doing open mics together together and he was only 23 right i was 26 when we met yeah

and then we started dating two years later after we met and we got married four years later right three or four years later so yeah we so here's i here's the i think the reason it works because people are like are you guys are you competitive with each other it's like not no because a we start together so it's like you want to see that buddy in the trenches succeed you want to see the people that have worked as hard like come up and also now we're married so i'm like those paychecks i'll go to this account and uh no she's not shy about shopping but i you know and i think it's important especially with comedians if your neuroses match up because we're all fucked up and i think tom and i maybe just got lucky that our set of stuff meshes well together like our

issues are good together yeah i can't believe that surprises you that feedback no one's ever said that to you guys that you're like the you're the couple everyone goes well they were no or the one person that ruins people's life you're the you're the glimmer of hope oh good for people well that's nice that's nice yeah sure i mean i don't ever want i'd never thought of myself as like you know the example so i'm like all right i didn't know well i mean not to put too much pressure on you i know i think it's good i actually i mean look i really like sam i think he's great yeah it's great yeah he's really really funny he's really really funny yeah i did conan with him oh yeah we did an episode of conan together yeah he uh he came out to stand up and i was like

yeah this dude's really funny yeah well i will say it helps that both of you are funny i think if one of you was severely unfunny that's tough right but it's all subjective i mean it is subjective there are probably people going like what the fuck you're dating i guess like i'm sure i'm sure fans of his are like she's trash like i'm you know everyone thinks everyone sucks but i think um i was going to say is that because tommy and i have been through the trenches together like you're poor for a long time long time yeah and we went through so much shit together that i feel like that bond is fucking i don't know dude when i was your age i was so fucking i wasn't even as broke as i was going to be yet really my most broke was still coming really yeah wow because at your

age i was your 26 yeah i was 26 i was doing a stand-up but i also was working part-time in like real jobs actually 26 i might have been full-time and then i went to part-time at like 27 and then i was my absolute brokest at probably 27 28 oh wow that's really i might be too got married yeah could be that's when you got married yeah we were at our brokest and um oh my god that's beautiful i think we had $200 right it's pretty when we then we got married and you're like let's spend 150 on flowers and yes yes yes i did say like that yeah i know because they know that you're supposed to like also buy a gift for your person you're marrying oh you you are yeah yeah yeah or like that's like the classy thing and then i wanted to do it and uh i think i had i had to my name

$800 wow and then i went to buy her like a piece of jewelry and the guy was like it's $700 and i was like oh this is not like smart to do this i really shouldn't do this like this is an actually reckless stupid thing then i was like yeah but i i don't want to not have the gift so i just bought it yeah i didn't know that yeah and then i was like here's the thing i have $100 now and here's the best thing one of my cousins at the wedding was like oh i have to make a flight change and i don't have like whatever like do you have like a hundred bucks i can have and i was too embarrassed so i went to the atm and withdrew the hundred dollars and gave it to her oh my god so i had zero dollars and then the next week i felt like a piece of shit but i was like yo what's up can i get that

hundred dollars back like texting her and she was like yeah and i was like have you sent it yet and she was like it's on the way and i was like okay cool because i kind of need it she was like all right man like i didn't want to admit that you know yeah that i needed a hundred and this is before venmo so how do you even get that hundred dollars yeah she mailed it she mailed it post yeah and i was like that like i was and i remember years later a few years later i told her i was like i was like i was so embarrassed that i how did you for a hundred dollars and she was like i don't remember what you're talking about oh thank god i was like i was embarrassing oh my god but i needed it i fucking needed that money back that's bullshit that you have to buy the person you're marrying again

like the rest of my life isn't enough no you don't have to but i you know once i got it in my head i couldn't shake it right so sweet and i still love it i cherish it what did you get him when i gave beaches what a wedding ring the woman the woman just get the woman gives her body right for babies later right i give up like then i give up my life you could have gotten something cool to have children you could have gotten me something cool just me you're like i can't like you know i can't hold your uterus right it's not a fun toy when i laugh all right wait let's call my mom let's see if she answers my body because i don't think she's gonna answer or if she does she's gonna be really upset i can't believe how you talk to me i'm sorry i'm so sorry look i i want

to apologize i'm here with a doctor and we were just talking about it and uh it just was a whole thing i'm sorry so i love you you gotta forgive me okay okay i love you i'll send you a nice gift okay okay all right right oh she's crying and that was it that was crying she's crying yeah i can tell she's crying now do you feel bad i mean a little bit i don't want her to be like that fucking sad why would she cry about that um i don't know she's probably having a sensitive day and then i was like do you like to get bot fox pushed her over the edge yeah i'd probably set her over i'm i'm gonna send my parents clips of this podcast and go you don't even know how lucky you are yeah yeah yeah that all i do is talk about having sex sometimes i'll send her something real

nice it'll make up oh yeah she's it's an easy formula with her what are you gonna send her i'll send her like a like a some fucking Gucci bag let's get her handbag yeah look at her handbag and then she'll be like this is nice you can call me ask me bad fuck anytime so predictable oh my gosh it's so true yeah it's fine no what kind of dumps does garth what kind of dumps can we do the brown talk theme song okay it's been a while and i have a brown update by the way all right you've been warned this is what she requested it's been a long time since we played that to warn people now are you and sam on an open door policy with the bathroom yeah wow yeah we are i i don't think i shit with the door open just because it's like yeah i don't

know but it's just it's not like i'm embarrassed to have him see me shit i just think that's my time yeah he leaves the door open for whatever and i don't even feel like it's a reflection of how he feels about me and like safe and you know safe and intimate with me i think it's just probably he doesn't care i've never been open door policy with anybody like i was engaged yeah i was like engaged to somebody and like he had never seen me pee you were engaged i was engaged last year yeah last year yeah i was engaged for a little bit to a comedian or a civilian no no no he like is kind of in this world but uh is not a comedian wow but yeah we were engaged and broke up uh over the summer like i got engaged found out i got the netflix special called off my engagement

while i was getting ready for the netflix special wow it was a lot it's a lot yeah well the hour changed a lot oh really probably imagine oh yeah and like thank god because how annoying would it have been to watch a special that started with some 26 year old white girl going i am getting engaged and this one's weird about it like it's so much more fun to watch someone go like i'm a dipshit and i thought i was ready to get married and i wasn't so that's yeah yeah it's it's way better for like the masses to see that too yeah exactly mm-hmm we want to be broad do you guys maintain a relationship at all or no uh me and my ex yeah no no not at all i my assumption is we will never speak again but i don't know okay i mean yeah well i was it broken off you broke it off or he broke it off uh i broke

off the engagement and then we were in therapy for a couple months and then it just got to a point where we were like this is not working yeah it's not gonna work what was wrong what was it i mean it's a lot of stuff i mean i don't want to get into it because i feel bad that he like he probably got i assume got messages because we were i was like public about being with him because i was like we're engaged we're gonna get married and i'm i don't know if he got messages or anything when the special came out or whatever um because if you like google it you can see there's stuff that you can find him um so i don't know i i hope that like i i can't imagine breaking up with somebody and then having them like put out an hour of stand-up a couple months later um was

they're cheating uh i don't know i don't know it's yes i don't know i don't know i don't come back no i really i really don't know it's uh you don't know okay so that's even that's even weirder so that means weird stuff it's you know i mean if you heard again if you heard my side you'd be like oh he was in the wrong if you heard his side you'd be like she's mentally ill like you know what i'm gonna side with him by the way just to be clear you get we each get it we each get one right you have your ally i am his here's here's what i learned from that breakup is like okay no matter what anybody does to hurt you you don't get to like stay and punish them for it and just be mad like smart if you're gonna break up if you have like a boundary that you're like okay if this

happens i am leaving and this is not working for me and then you just don't leave you just like that's good get mad and crazy and spend like basically waste someone's time like you know whatever trying to fix it when you've already said like this is something i can't get past and you know that that's so true so like that's that's what i feel guilty about and also like you know i wasn't yeah but that's a very evolved very loving on your part i mean i'm you know again very mature you're like a 50 year old woman in a 26 year old woman's body you know that you're you're more mature than i am i wait oh that's that's that goes without saying i could have told you that right away yeah you're very put together what you know something because i know how this can be dressed like rainbow

bright that i know how this can be drawn up shitting out the balls for you that was her by fucking till exhaustion that's her okay don't leave your being like oh cigar is real yeah no i don't think that was your idea in today's climate i'm like that was probably this is my idea okay we got this uh chubby little face trying to tell me that i'm being violent there is no violence screaming is not violent violence you fucked hard was what i experienced that same balls hospital you stupid fucked hard have you heard that word fucked hard uh when i was young yeah i feel like that was like a middle school word yes really we need to bring it back i'm with you me too i am with you i don't want any part of middle school ever again on one woman you

fucked hard you stupid fuck hard you're going on fucking youtube for a bit of stupid what did they do get back in your ambulance let me ask you something ambulance who cares okay this lady is what we live yeah a public freak out verbally berating somebody for seemingly no reason that's what this show is about all right so if you want to get on our channel send stuff like that yeah so this what's crazy me about clips like this is people use this language and in a video they took and they put the video up yeah like a lot of people have videos of them speaking like this put up on the internet and are like oh no my life's ruined this person made this themselves uploaded it and was like yeah this is what i want to put out into the world this is me yeah this is

what i'm about this is what i stand for like i don't understand what they were doing just being rad wait here's the thing guys i didn't even get to my tailbone hurts i didn't get to my brown talk oh you didn't know i what is what happened is this just you describing your shit no it's much deeper than that oh taylor i'm so the thing is that sound could have been me this morning really because i've discovered this is the second time this has happened when i eat cream of weight i get diarrhea like immediately afterward yeah i mean who knew that you're two for two now cream of wheat could give somebody diarrhea can i tell you what i would do yeah i would eat that 100 more times and see if there's really definitive proof that it's giving me diarrhea that's how i

operate if i eat something a few times and it gives me diarrhea i'm like i'm gonna eat this a bunch more and make sure that this is what's happening yeah and that's what i would i know that's what you've been doing for a long time i would eat a cream of wheat for the next month and a half every day and if it gives you diarrhea every day you know it's the cream of wheat yeah who's smart and who's good detective okay that is good detective thank you thank you but i'm so bummed because i really what is what what's in cream of wheat who loves cream of wheat i grandfather yeah look at it i know but i love it like i'm gonna show a picture of it thinking that's gonna convince me you're like look though it's aesthetically pleasing yeah i know it's mush

okay it's a cream of wheat is a brand of farina a type of breakfast porridge made from wheat semolina it looks similar to grits so it's smoother in texture is made with ground wheat kernels instead of ground corn dude i love this shit so it's so creamy and good and i have no i i guess because it's just liquid wheat it's like fibrous and it's warm and i'm guessing it makes me shit why i just love it and i'm so sad why can't you eat oatmeal i do eat oatmeal too but you prefer cream of wheat i prefer cream of wheat i know all your emotions have been on point today thank you everything you've done i i don't i don't think i've ever met anybody who was like i love cream of people yeah because it's they're usually seniors right people without teeth yeah i i

live for it do you remember the first time i didn't even know it was in the house well here's the diff i used to eat malto meal growing up malto meal what is that mush same thing i like mushy cold thing mushy she's got such a weird palette i love mushy shit she likes when it's so good food that there's there's cold food and there's hot food but you know the food that you like hot yeah should be like let's wait till it gets cold and then only really yeah all with everything most like i don't there's very few things like like hot except like a hot i'm like hey your uh eggs are getting cold that's fine and then they're cold she's like mm-hmm i'm like oh you eat cold eggs yeah do you prefer cold eggs yeah i hate them hot are you still in therapy keep going keep going

or do you feel like it's like better now let me ask you this one taylor you seem like a reasonable person you ever do your resting heart rate to see how fit you are you're like you compare your resting heart rate do you ever do that like a fit bit thing okay i don't have a fit so our friends that were sitting around and we were comparing resting heart rate numbers it's in the lower the number it means the more healthy and fit you are stronger your heart stronger your heart being married sounds fun this is we were sitting around with some of our friends comparing heart rates and to be fair we were sitting around with doctors okay all right buckle up it's fun being married so wait until you watch 90 day fiance before the already watched it oh okay already

watched like the first couple episodes okay so but that's married fun so now you guys are already in your marriage anyway the point is we were comparing heart rates i had the highest i'm not so i'm not the healthiest hearts the doctors were low this one goes oh i'm the lowest heart rate and he brags about his always but here's the deal it's always been that way because of some kind of genetic defect in his heart or in his whatever dna just covered this it is a defective problem not defective it's not through fitness it's just because his natural resting heart rate is naturally low i'm saying it's stolen value it's stolen resting heart rate value do you know what i'm saying he's taking credit for something that is not right yeah yeah it's like women yeah it's like

women are like oh you have great skin and they're like oh my god thank you and it's like what do you do like i just don't wash my face and it's like so you didn't do anything to earn but maybe you did maybe you did maybe these clowns that are washing their face every day don't deserve it where's the fart mic okay here i have one oh have some respect for your chest does that have anything to do with like stress i just no no no the resting heart rate no my my resting heart rate has always been abnormally low i went and i had a battery of tests run and at the end of the conclusion in the 25 000 worth of tests they were like you got a pretty strong heart i was like cool really yeah yeah wow so he's just they were just like you're you have an effective strong heart

but that's what i'm saying he did not earn it so would you agree with me that this is stolen have any of us earned anything thank you yeah i mean thank you any of our genetic gifts thank you taylor what is what is this what's happening does that have a number three in front of us i don't like this one it's too squishy what is that uh that is a lady who has uh an entire fist inside of her in her vagina her butt from that website yeah and the next clip is the same thing but two fists oh my oh let's hear the next clip then what does two sound like one is pretty gnarly sounds the same as one okay should we call my mom back oh wow thank you i don't watch porn because i can't even listen to it like i get like what's happening that's a private moment

you don't watch porn i don't watch porn well we've got a bunch of clips to show you what are you what are you doing we're welcome you should have said this is the top of the show we've got a whole thing a library to show you do you want to before we wrap up do you want to show taylor some of your talks yeah but i want her to see pornography i don't want to show her pornography oh next time next time you come back and we'll show you pornography okay okay i just need to emotionally prepare myself yeah yeah yeah you'll come back you'll fist yourself the old one let's tick tock no i'll just show you tick tocks do you are you on the talk i'm on tick tock i i mean technically i am i don't run my tick tock okay someone else runs it for me because i was like i we've hired

some people and they were like you need a tick tock and i was like i would rather kill myself and they were like we'll we'll do it i think i mean let me let me check how many followers i have on tick tock now because again i don't do you know that christine is the unofficial official curator of talks are you this is gonna oh this is gonna play if i don't oh wow they're doing pretty well yeah yeah yeah i have like we're like it's 667 thousand oh almost 690 thousand what that's the thing i have the most followers on tick tock yeah and i don't touch it you don't use it no they just post like stand-up clips of mine like they just are like hey do you want us to post this today who shows that oh you crowdsurf oh yeah yeah what's the name of this it's it they work with bird too

yeah they were the social media team oh wow that like they know how to do i don't i don't that's from nothing in the last three months well why don't you give a taylor an idea like so because i think taylor's probably a normal well-adjusted person who might be like oh cool i like looking at some cool picture where you tell her what you do i like to showcase the outliers of tick tock the marginalized people the people without a voice if you will oh my gosh you're a hero yeah thank you that's a good way to yep i've definitely seen you post them on instagram yeah and at first i didn't realize they weren't yours i didn't realize you were just like a like a connoisseur she's like a congresswoman from like an underrepresented area yeah i'm fighting for these people to have

the same rights that's right that's i like that framing i'm a curator oh my god yeah that's a good time when you translate yeah he was like oh fuck look what this asshole is doing fuck yeah this isn't even a tiktok look what this fucking asshole is doing look he's breaking a bridge this is just footage of a tragedy this isn't a fun dance it's like now you're getting now you're in christina's head oh i see you want to yes you want to highlight the disaster realm thank you tiktok you're like all these hot girls dancing it was interesting yep i knew how you would see this and i had her give you an idea and then you still were like where's the fun dance you're right yeah i gotta stop thinking normal sweetie you gotta go with me okay all right

right that's the whole video that's it that's a good one why don't you describe it to our listeners you know britney furlong do you want to hold on britney furlong says that i curate dark tux dark tux yeah how would you describe that talk this is this is just animal abuse this is just like what are we an older persian man is sitting on his couch he's a leather couch eating some bread and a cat came up and tried to take it and then he got really upset he said something in they don't even put like a caption on this no to explain this is why it's so funny this is christina's also this reminds me if you grew up immigrant this is everybody's

immigrant fucking dad or granddad or this is an immigrant talk this is like foreign talk right it's off like wouldn't you're fucking israeli granddad do some shit like that absolutely yeah yeah it's for foreigners yeah something's bothering you just throw a hand yeah that's how i felt watching just for a 300 pound ugly white girl i would fight in the front lines the bloodiest battle the world has ever seen and come back with no limbs if it meant that that would guarantee me an ugly fat chick for life now this is from that incel doc i was asking about earlier there's a documentary about incels i was about to say this guy's gonna shoot somebody yeah this is yeah you feel good now you feel good i mean now you're in christina's headspace like if this guy

were in the theater when i went to see joker i would have left turn around and walk away yeah yeah but um what was he saying if he would go and play again listen to keep a 300 pound listen yeah listen i would do anything just for a 300 pound ugly white girl i would fight i feel like it's front lines you don't need to say anything about ever seen her being ugly like it's like he's trying to be like look how much of a hero i like if anybody was like if i if anyone was just like i would lose all my limbs to get a girlfriend i'd still be worried about that person yeah and then he's adding like insults on top of it where he's like i'd do anything for an ugly chick and you're like what what is this like are you insinuating implying that this nin is not well

adjusted i mean hot take he seems like a catch if you're looking for love it might be at oh no tuxedo mask this is a documentary yes it's a doc that documentary i put it's supposed to be about incels and these guys that are just woman haters crazies he doesn't hate women he'd do anything for us that's true well that even if we were ugly but but sometimes the desperation gets so much that they it turns to hate because they can't oh they're so angry that they can't get laid or whatever i don't know that's why i see this documentary i must under i protest face coverings i am a healthy american i used to be free i am not a terrorist is that a picture of a terrorist and tifa yeah it's i am not a sex slave that wears masks i am not a sex slave masochism and

bondage i am not a burglar i am not a pandering politician like we see here and here and here i turn the page am a proud trump republican trump republic oh i couldn't tell i'm glad she held up the sign shame on all of you let liberty ring she brought a fucking bell us america oh wow this reminds me of the people that made the commercial that we watched earlier how do you guys feel about the mask stuff i mean the mask stuff is pretty it's actually i don't know why there's any actual debate it seems pretty clear cut it does right pretty okay with me yeah all the like if you listen to the not like your friend's gut telling him right like the medical experts say if you're going to be in an enclosed space close to other people a mask is helpful and it

can help prevent the spread it can help prevent you getting sick yeah uh you don't need you don't need an a mask in open air right you don't need a mask to take a walk down the street you don't need a mask when you drive your car right um but if you're going to be indoors around other people it can help prevent the spread right and that's what you know if you're riding the subway new york and tokyo yeah you should wear a mask yeah i i can't believe you shouldn't wear a hand knitted mask right uh or like you should wear a hand knitted anything yeah you should wear like that's a gift you don't want that's it yeah i i'm waiting for someone to like make masks hot like yeah like margot robbie like comes out with like a mask line i feel like more people might get

on board it's like it's insane to me that people are so mad at the man i know i think they're mad at everything else though and a mask feels like a target you know i mean he's googling the dog is googling oh yeah oh are these hot girls wearing masks yeah but see this needs to be fashionable masks yeah there there's cute masks now yeah yeah i mean i was looking at like satin ones the other day and like pastel colors i was like oh look at this like they're you can you can get hot with it there's people probably who are really bummed out that they'll have to take their masks off because that's when they look their best you know with their mask on oh my god covering up their grill and everything yeah this is what i'm saying i don't understand why everyone's so like no i hate

wearing it's like they're not it's not a big deal it's not a denial of your of your rights as an american but that's the thing is what i'm saying i don't think people are as mad at masks yeah as they are at everything else yeah and the mask seems like a great target because you go like i'm home maybe i'm not working or now i'm unemployed i i'm frustrated i haven't left my house a lot i all this shit is is happening in the world and there's protests and everything and it's like what can you rail about what can you like express your frustration i got these stupid fucking masks because it also is annoying right to a degree it's annoying like people get frustrated i've walked into a store where they're like we don't serve people with who don't have masks on

to me i go like oh yeah and i grab my mask and put it on but if you're having a bad day and it's at the bend of a bad week and it's been a bad month that moment can also make you go this is fucking stupid oh if you wear it you know i mean like yeah people i think are just frustrated in general right would you do a comedy show for an audience wearing masks i don't care i don't care either and like that seems to be like not a thing that anyone wants to do it doesn't bother me if they all have masks i'll tell i'll say that me neither yes i'm either and but then how are they sell drinks and um food yeah because the problem is that comedy club is a restaurant with um dancing jimp that's all it is it's not they'd have to lose money on boo i don't care if everyone has

masks i just want it to be white people i know i know this is gendered nice white people who we all see things the same you know what i mean and that's how you find your partner for life you have to see eye to eye and shit learn english if you're gonna live here shit like that no do i have any more talks i feel like uh there's a there's another batch of old talks it says can we just do a little bit i get so excited i feel like taylor like wants to go she doesn't want i don't i don't want to go i just i wish i could but i don't like all right three more talks three more talks three more talks i love it i got you think i have anything else to do hello uh this goes out to terminator a certain person uh the schwarzenegger me and a dollon um you're awesome we all love you baby the thing is

this what gemini bad one two three is doing is illegal she is harassing and bullying somebody with disabilities and pushing those disabilities to over the edge if you ever want to witness get in contact with me dragon queen 45 we've seen this all go down i will i will personally either make a um verbal statement written statement whatever type of statement that what the f*** am i watching yeah christine by the way this is who should be eating cream of wheat that's who that's for that one lucky one on the bottom it survived everything he's been through it's still there that truth is like i've f***ing seen shit i've been with i've been with daryl through everything

it looks like the like schwarzenegger's original term like terminator character right that's the goal he's trying to look tough leather and the threat he's issuing threats so what's he talking about it's it's tiktok beef it's nonsense oh it's him imatted another tiktok yeah it's like you said something to sharyl 175 and i'm gonna stand up for it's nonsense it's tiktok okay let's jump to the next one yo put that hundred stacks away i gotta address these haters look y'all was hating bro we we capitalize on your hate we got dough we got the deal look at the whipper and look at his baby look i just want y'all to know i just want you know fresh off the line just want you to know everybody that was hating i'm gonna take your mom to a real nice house we're gonna take your

bro it's f***ing warak we're doing this we're taking over f***ing america it's my motherland we're doing this thing remember these faces when i got your mom eating dinner at my table i got your sister driving in a nice car she's gonna be FaceTiming on her Instagram look i'm with malibu i'm with hilarious that they're not saying anything about like f***ing your mom they're just like i'm gonna treat your mom so well i'm gonna i'm gonna drive her to a nice house i'm gonna let her FaceTime her son that's such good insight because it kind of changes the way you could like talk like this open my as douchey as these guys are the next time i argue with some i'm gonna be like i'm gonna treat your mom so well make your mom fall in love with me i'll take her on vacation

which is even has your mom ever been to Rome seen all the artifacts Gucci bags yeah because it's more of an insult that you're actually gonna court your mom yeah and he's gonna woo and wine and dine her and she's gonna fall in love with me yeah that's even better than i'm gonna fuck your mom yeah i know i'm gonna call your mom and ask your mom if she wants to get buttfucked for hours i'm gonna get tested before i make love to your right damn so i was chilling with the blue avions today and they told me remind the humans that we're here the blue avions are around a ninth to a eleventh dimensional light being and they're here to help us heal the body so do you think you're gonna view tiktok differently after this experience

or i haven't seen any of this i've i've seen like very helpful tiktok like the few times i've been on tiktok i do like that one sound that's like the song like you can really dance and people have their i don't like that's my least favorite i think it's so funny wow you can really dance i don't know why maybe like so hard because you're well adjusted i don't know it was doubt like and they i saw one where somebody was dressed like shrek with like their uh their like hoodie pulled over their legs and they were just like going back and forth and i showed it to sam and he just like he was so condescending and mean about me being on tiktok that it became a whole fight till like four in the morning and i was like why did we even start finding he's like because you

were watching tiktok and i said are you high and you got mad at me even though you were high oh it's time doesn't like it when i ask him if he's high it's i mean it just feels like dismissive i'm like no this is actually what i connect to yeah i did too you sami's a light nap because tiktok is a good time and you know what the old you get the less fucks you give and you're like yeah but she's talking about you understand that she's talking about like nice fun talks she's not in your world of the deeply disturbed the dark right yeah yeah yeah well you guys probably eating pussy is a lot like eating chicken wings if it ain't all over your face and you ain't sucking your fingers clean you're doing it wrong okay how gross is that one how much of a cool guy

it's a cool guy yeah he's very cool i mean if a hot if but here's a thing if a hot guy said that everyone would be like yeah you think so yeah i'm saying that guy's not hot that's exactly what i'm saying uh yeah no if if like a hot dude was like here's how you should go down on a woman that's true like that would be completely different and there's so many hot dudes on tiktok they're like i don't know i saw a tiktok that was just these two i think they were twin brothers they were like just so hot and i guess they do tiktok and they they did a video where their dad is sitting in between them with like a bag over his head and they just went everyone's been wanting to they wrote on the screen like everyone's been asking to see what our dad looks

like here he is and then they just like unveiled their dad who's also hot and that was the whole video millions millions of like well she's right about that but i don't like those people okay so we have to direct people to if you have not yet seen quarter life crisis it's on netflix right now uh in the year 2023 you can catch her live on a tour it's taylor tomlinson anything else to plug any um thing you want to direct people towards that's mainly what she said my butt oh god damn it um i'm more mature it's hard to pull up out of uh direct people to your butt to like anyway so my podcast yeah yeah tell us why your podcast seriously no i mean i sam and i started doing a movie podcast called this is important to me i've been doing self-helpless

for a couple years so we're doing that too but you know right it's yeah we're doing stuff i mean at taylor tomlinson on everything uh unless i quit twitter which i might like we're just that's where i'm at now where i'm just like what what do i have to be on and how do i not but it would be fun to shake a platform that you're like do i have to be on this one too yeah i mean like just drop one wouldn't it wouldn't that be good it would it would just commit to one hard yeah i know um super annoying no but it really is uh congratulations on all your success it is super admirable like to to like to watch so it's like it's a mind-blowing start as a teen and uh and achieve what you've achieved i think it's amazing oh thank you very funny and and yes guys stick with her

when she comes to town go see her when she comes to your town absolutely thank you the great fart simpson aka dj skull vomit um created this song rpc only fans banger so it's gonna take us out hope you enjoy it and see you next week like this huh yeah you like the fuck come my face man fuck suck a cowboy motherfucker like that with my fucking whole boy motherfucker's hot man ah oh fuck yeah go team go man use this fucking hole man hi hi yeah where the fuck this fuck baby officer come dump your man straight pick my fucking body man fucking fuck it up man

give me a come boy this man this man this fucking god damn dick man yeah hello hey what's up yo josh do this rob pop champagne you are pop champagne yeah calling this a little miss a noodle man got tears of tits off man yeah burning my tits what about your tits smoking stroking man when it broke my tits man i'm a real man i could take it that's good good whatever brings you joy you know shut the fuck up man i come to fuck that fucking hole man i want to piss on me with a piss i'm gonna puke on me you want to sit you want to shit in my chest and trick me into shit what motherfucker licking your nuts licking your sacks you want to milk my dick how big

um um i'm gonna come yeah go team go okay bye you