Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 563 - Brian Simpson - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 5, 2020

Tom and Christina are doing a LIVE podcast COMPLETELY uncensored, un-blurred, and with VERY special guests. Get your tickets to this virtual event happening August 14 @ 5pm PST here: https://OnLocationLive.com/YourMomsHouse SPONSORS: - Go to Squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! - Go to forhims.com/momfor a free online visit - Get 20% Off and Free Shipping at Manscaped.com/MOM. - Head to Policygenius.com right now to get started on finding the best home insurance for you. - Get 3 additional months free if you go to Babbel.com, and use promo code [MOM] on your three month subscription. Come on Mark, don't be stingy! Tom Segura and Christina P start this episode of Your Mom's House by listening to one of their favorite recent fan songs, a tribute to the Mousepad Cool Guy. They discuss the Netflix reality series "Love on the Spectrum" that they've become obsessed with, and then look at some cool videos from a YouTuber named Dhar Mann. They discuss Nadav's new haircut, Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz moving to Texas, and revisit Ed Asner's cool guy lookalike. They wrap up the solo segment by playing a round of Horrible or Hilarious? Brian Simpson is a stand-up comedian and host of the "BS" podcast. He joins the main mommies to discuss his stages of quarantine, his quarantine purchases, and give advice to mommies that had written in. He is introduced to the Ed Asner cool guy, the doll walker, Dhar Mann, and watches some of Christina's TikTok curations. They wrap up by watching a viewer-submitted parody of the Mousepad Cool Guy featuring Bert Kreischer.

I am a fucking Jew! I've certainly got something interesting in the middle of the day Tell it to bite, cause it's not bad What's interesting about this mousepad? I can now drop off what's falling over my knee Put the mouse, put the mouse I wanna see if your meat tastes fantastic I've certainly put in my tasting a magnificent ass

I pay twenty dollars for this mousepad I'm gonna be fine with it Oh fuck, yeah! Put the mouse, my tongue Put the mouse, what it's so bad for Put the mouse, one percent culture Put the mouse, put another mouse Fucking total size mousepad

Put the mouse, oh fuck the mouse Killed it That's so good Man, the Delta White Mousepad Kosher Charo Remix by John Douglas Thanks John Wow Really really enjoyed that You know now

Put me in a good mood to start the show Me too, and now that I'm an expert on people on the spectrum from our new On the spectrum dating show Yeah I think he might be on the spectrum a little bit Yeah I think that's possible Yeah we'll get into that show, it's absolutely fantastic

I know I've been on Netflix really is a wonderful, wonderful show It's so good It's so good Last week it was Indian matchmaking And now Which is also fantastic So good, and now it's autistic people dating

There's nothing better It's really the, it's so fascinating It's actually a fascinating show I can't wait to talk about it Let's open the show and then we can get into all our stuff There's so much to talk about So we'll do this the right way Here we go

Are we celebrating something special? What's up with your I'm not sure This whole date is a surprise Wow How exciting I can't even remember the last time I was on a date Look, I'm sorry, but is it possible to get another server?

I'm actually the only server working Is everything okay? Well, I don't want to be mean, but Your scars are kind of hard to look at Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone muckin' to this Don't muck in the fuckin' stand Welcome, welcome to your mom's house

With Tom Segura, Tom Segura And Christina Pajitzi, Christina Pajitzi Welcome to your mom's house All right I gotta tell you And this has completely changed my days, my life in the last few days. So, the great Rob Eiler who was here just a few weeks ago and a lot of you noted is absolutely already like a hall of fame guest.

We've been in contact with him since texting and we've been exchanging videos and jokes and he really was such a, he both and Jamie Lynn obviously too. Yeah, of course. Oh my goodness. Powerful guests. So, but we've been texting and he sends, I mean this sent me down a rabbit hole for not just hours but days. Yeah.

Days of Dar man videos. If you guys. D-H-A-R. Yes, M-A-N-N. If you guys are not familiar, this guy has a YouTube channel and you know what usually strikes you when you land on a channel you haven't been to as you see kind of the activity on there, right? Subscriber base and so I check out just like land on it and there's over two million subscribers

and you're like, oh, okay, this is like a substantial fan base. It's gotta be good stuff, right? And then you look at the videos. There's a number of videos and all the videos have millions of views. I mean, some of them have four, five, six, nine, 10 million views and they're all videos like this, like it's very entry level kind of teaching tools. Like you watch this and you're like, who is this for? Is this for English as a second language?

Is this to teach children right from wrong? Well, it's like kind of like Goofus and Gallant in Highlights magazine as a child. I don't know if you ever encountered that, like very simple morality plays that people can understand. I mean, let's take you through this one. So the one that we played for the opening clip there, there's a man and a woman on a date and the server has notable scars, burn scars on his face and he's just like, hi, can I take your order?

And the man's like, what's wrong with your face? Yeah. Okay. And I'll just take you through it. I'll just take you through it. Brett. It's fine. Honestly, I get this all the time.

You see, I was in a house fire when I was a child and you can spare us the details. Just bring me a Caesar salad. Sure thing. I think I'll just start with the soup, please. Perfect. The soup and one salad, I'll be right back. Whoa. Brett's a super dick.

Yeah. Brett's such a dick. Yeah. What's he doing? I don't want to hear the fucking backstory on your face. Yeah. Super rude. Okay.

I want to know it. I'm interested. Of course. Yeah. You see that guy's face? No wonder he hasn't been on a date in a long time. Who would ever want to be with someone who looks like that? It doesn't matter what's on the outside.

My God. It's what's on the inside. It counts. Good one. I mean, the dialogue is ridiculous. It's pretty good. I don't know what you're saying. I don't really like it.

We should also point out that there is crazy production value. I mean, it's well lit. It's well shot. Yeah. They're shooting it in a restaurant. It's not like bare bones. No. So he's got a budget, but they're not.

There's a budget behind these. But they're not spending it on good actors. Or scripts. Or writers. Yeah. I mean, this is a fully talked. It's very. I love it.

Here's your soup. Oh, it's totally okay. It's fine. What are you doing? That soup is really hot. What are you trying to do? Burn her? Does she have to look like you?

I didn't see you going there. Did you? No. Poor waiter spilled the soup. The jerk on the date said, you know, you could burn her. And look at it with your face. You want to have your face? You know something though?

My stepdad would kind of talk like this to people. So I'm not. Like seriously, he'd be like, like not to them, but he'd be like, this fucking guy, look at his fucking face. The soup tastes better than this fucking guy's. Like he would say. Yeah. But that's not to his face.

I mean. Not to his face. To his face is there's like a one in a million person who does shit like this. Yeah. You have to be a full. So completely out of your mind. Yeah. Like we'll have to admit, as you know, I'm a huge Tyler Perry fan.

I love his Medea movies and those were based on plays that you do. Yeah. Morality plays. Morality plays. And sometimes the characters are really on the nose like that. Right. Like they'll say shit like, I wish you were never born or like, I should have had, you know, throw you away in the trash.

There's a theatrical element to that. And I mean, he's a far better comedic actor. No, the characters are really good. And that's why I like the stories. And I actually, I love Medea. I think she's really funny. Yeah. But this is like this.

Yeah. Very poor writing and character development. Let's see where it goes. It's really interesting. Let's see where it goes. Hey, it's okay. It was an accident. And there is nothing wrong with the way that you look.

Elaine, why are you being nice to this man after what he just did? Yeah. I am not going to sit here and let you treat him this way anymore. Yeah. Well, it's not my fault. He looks the way he does. Oh my God. Wait, aren't soap operas kind of like this?

Yes. Yes. But they're also way better than this. I know. I mean, I haven't spent a lot of time watching them, but this is like, it's so direct. That's what I'm saying. Like, are you teaching people who just arrived on earth what human emotions are? I mean, is this because the Pentagon said that there are real UFOs and we're like,

we're going to teach the aliens how humans interact because it's, I mean, it's so direct and so over the top with it. If you're going to treat him this way, then you should probably treat me the same way. What are you talking about? Why would I do that? Because. Oh. Suck my tits.

I also have burns spread. And I know how it feels to be treated this way. I didn't see that coming either. I'm hooked. Yeah. This is great. Such a great story. When I was really young, my house caught on fire.

I don't remember much. All I know is that I barely survived. I ended up in the hospital with bandages all over my body. Oh, no. When the nurse finally took them off, it turned out half of my body was covered in burns. The fire burned me bad. Okay. I mean, really laying it out for people.

You could say something to someone and not know that they've also lived a difficult life. What the fuck is happening? Did you know, I learned this on Dr. Drew show that back in the day when they give people IQ tests, there's categories like idiot and imbecile. Yeah. And I'm thinking maybe these videos, certain demographic, just trying to appeal to the, there's something for everybody.

That's where those terms come from. They were all medical and moron too. And retarded. Yes. Yeah. To be, yeah. Mongoloid, moron, those were, that's what they would say to people like you would. Yes.

Doctor would be like, well, your son's a moron. Yeah. And then you'd be like, oh, okay. It's a clinical term for what level of intelligence. Yeah. And you would say that these are targeting. Yeah. Yeah.

It's insane. The view count is insane. Like no. But look at the. All right. Well here, let's keep going. It's not done yet. Sure.

Do you know what burned me the most? What? Literally. It was how other people would stop and stare at me. Those fucking bitches. They'd laugh. Because your arms broke. And pointed me.

Like I was some sort of monster. I have spent much of my life crying because of how people treated me. I won't let you treat Sam that same way. And he likes that. But would she bang Sam? That's the real question. What if he's like, there's no burn marks on my dick? That's what I'm saying.

Like, do you think they could hook up? Wait, please tell me they hook up at the end of this video. Here you go. No idea. I still really want to be your boyfriend. No. I don't think things will work out. Me too.

Get out. What? No, Eileen. Please, come on. Don't do this. I've already made up my mind. Good girl. Get out of here.

And Sam, I'm really sorry for the way that Brett's treated you. Thanks, Eileen. You're something big. I really appreciate that. If you're ever interested. I'd like you to be my boyfriend. I'd like you to be my boyfriend. I'd really love to go out on a date with you sometime.

Oh, my God. I love that. I mean, I feel like if you turn this in, like in, even in high school, you're like, your teacher would be like, okay, but this is, I mean, are you fucking stupid or something? Like, what is up with the dialogue and your dumb juvenile message? I know. It's, it's a bit, well, let's go into who's making this guy.

What's his name? I bet. Yes. Yeah. Dar Salam. What's his name? Dar Mann. Dar Mann.

Can you find the view count on the burn video? What's his deal? It's one of the more recent ones, I think. 1.6 million. That video that we just played for you has came out six days ago. Oh, my God. Okay. Who's watching this?

Do you think it's for like kids or? Hey, Dar Mann fam. I hope you love that message. Remember, we're not just telling stories, we're changing lives. And when you share my videos, you're helping to change lives too. I appreciate you and I'll see you in the next video. I don't understand. That's how every video ends.

Every video ends with him going, hey, Dar Mann fam. I hope you like that video and the message. And remember, when you share my video, you're just sharing it. We're changing lives. What? I don't know. I don't understand what is happening. You're changing Dar Mann's life.

He's making a fortune off of this shit. I don't understand it at all. Gold digger dumps broke boyfriend. They all have the most basic message. 12 million views on them. It'll be like, homeless lady is insulted and then the person regrets it. Yeah, it's like that homeless woman, she's trying to collect bottles to live. My classic bottles and this guy's, she's like, can I have that bottle?

And this kid's like, ugh, you're gross. You're so homeless and you smell like shit. And then she's like, well, can you kind of have that bottle? He's like, get it yourself when he throws it in the trash. And then he gets in the car with his mom and his mom's like, what was that all about? He's like this fucking disgusting homeless lady was trying to like touch me and she smelled. And then the lady's like, I gotta tell you something. And he's like, what?

She goes, we were homeless once. And like he doesn't remember and he's like, oh, I feel so bad now. And he gets out of the car and he fucks the homeless lady. Does it end as someone has sex at the end of everyone? Every video, they end up fucking. Can I tell you, I secretly enjoy these. Really? I'm really going to share with you right now.

Okay. There's a guy on Instagram who I follow. His name is Jay Shetty, S-H-E-T-T-Y. Yeah, I know who that is. Yeah. I actually know. Yes, I know. You're a mutual friend.

And his videos are morality lessons or like self-esteem lessons. I just feel like this is such an eye opener. This one's a little more, I like this guy. He's a little more sophisticated, right? Sophisticated, definitely. But yeah, I like them. I'm like, I'll watch them on the toilet and I'll be like, that was a good one. Okay.

Dude, these Dar ones are cocked, locked and ready to rock. Dar is different. Jay is like, he really does try to help. Well, I guess this guy tries out. Have you seen a bad dad? This is a fun one. No. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why are you inside of the house with shoes on? Oh, sorry, dad. You know the rules. Take them off right now. Okay, I'm taking them off. He's like a dumb fucking kid. I know. Oh, whoops.

Great. You're always making a mess. Dad, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. You just can't do anything right, can you? Oh, my god. C's and D's and your failing math. I can't believe this. I'm so sorry, dad.

You know what? Head upstairs because you're grounded. What? No, dad, please. I don't want to be grounded again. See, this is what I get for not yelling at you more. He's right about that. I'm headed to Frank's house.

When I get back, I'm gonna deal with this. Okay. What? That's the way most dads think. I knew you would be better if I would yell at you more. Yeah, because I've had shitty parents and they don't... That was light. That's not even really what they do.

They'll be like, what is going on? You're so fucking stupid. They lean into you a little harder. I would like to see more realism if we're going to do this. Well, watch how he deals with Frank as his friend, who also is a dad and also has a son. Oh, boy. Okay.

But the lesson here is how Frank is different than bad dad. Oh, okay. Let me see. Hey, Frank. Lance, what's up, man? How are you? Oh, I can be better. My kid's driving me crazy.

I'm sorry to hear that. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going so fast? Just go get some juice. Okay, we'll take it slow, remember? His dad's creepy. What did I tell you about shoes in the house? Oh, creepy, dad.

Sorry, dad. That's okay. That's why I'm here to help you remember. Oh, enlightened, creepy dad. Man, that's okay, son. See, what we showed you there is that there's violent dad and then passive dad. Same scenario, but they'll do it differently. New as the viewer will decide which is the better way to behave.

This is like some government intervention shit. This feels like it's like programming people. Make sure to treat your child this way. Don't hurt people. Watch. Aren't you being a little soft on him? Oh, didn't you yell at them? No, I didn't say that.

Rough them up. That's not how kids learn. Yeah, dummy. I gotta yell at them when they forget something. Yeah, that's what my parents said. You got this all wrong. Yeah. Let me guess.

Don't fucking do it, stupid kid. Fucking dummy. Give me a second, would you? Are you serious? Dupid. I mean, he made the mess. Make him clean it up. Yeah.

Pussy dad. He's not going to remember if you don't yell at him. Who says this? The dialogue means a punch up is what they call it. Oh man, I really got to teach you how to parent. Look, man, if you're not harder on your kid, he's not going to turn out right. Punch him. This report card came today.

Straight A's. Oh. What? What? Straight A's. I'm so hard on my kid and he's practically failing all of his classes. Aha, the lesson. We are almost understanding the full lesson now.

Wait, what's that, Tom, exactly? I'm not sure I understand. Abusive dad has a child full of anxiety who's not performing well. But friendly, encouraging dad, his son has straight A's. What do you think is better? You know what I've got to do. Fuck, I just learned the lesson, bro. I'm going to go back to my house.

I'm going to fuck this kid up. Oh, dad, I'm really sorry about the grades. I promise I'll do better. It's okay. I'm the one who should be sorry. Oh, please. Just realized that you needed somebody to help you. Oh, boy.

It's a little too bad with Dar on this one. Do you think you can forgive me? Okay. I forgive you. Wow, that was easy. Thanks, son. Wait. If he was like, you know what, dad?

You're Mexican. I get it. What? Your dad probably beat the fuck out of you. Yeah. And you're just passing it on. Yeah. I get it, dad.

Well, do you realize that his dad had a life-changing epiphany that usually takes so much internal work to have? Oh, yeah. His dad's realization came like that. Yeah, he completely changed. How about the don't be gay dad? That's my favorite, but he doesn't come out and say it enough. I know, but it's very implied.

Yeah. It's very implied. He's like, oh, you're fucking gay. God damn it. Oh, Jesus. Stupid kid. Uh-oh. This is gay, son.

There's gay, son. Reading a magazine, a girl, a milk-up magazine. Put it away. Hey, dad. What in the world were you just reading? That's not a sports magazine. Oh. Dad, it's nothing.

Anyways. Anyways. Anyways. I found all basketball I used to play with. Yeah. If it wasn't for my injury, I would have made it all the way. To what? I got you to carry on my dream for me.

The fucking rec league? That would have made it all the way. Fucking five foot eight fat dad. I would have made it all the way if it wasn't for my injury. Katrina, this came for you. Live glam makeup or something? Makeup? But I didn't order this.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. It's about to get gay in here. It's gay, son. Let me see that. Let me see that. Hey, Lord, are you makeup now? Dad, it's nothing.

I just saw some YouTubers talking about live glam, so I thought I'd try it. What do you want to try makeup for? Yeah, you should play. No, my son. No, my daughter. Oh. Mom. Ugh.

Ugh. I better not see you around makeup again. You hear me? You hear me? Yeah. God, things just got real. He did a lot of eye acting. He did do a lot of eye acting.

Yup. It's okay. Your secret's safe with me. Uh-oh. Do you even know how to use those? Well, I've been watching some YouTube videos. There's a lot of stuff there. And I really want to become a big YouTuber one day.

And I want to do makeup tutorials. It's my dream. Oh, okay. That would kill me. It doesn't matter what dad thinks. Yeah. You can't live your life going after someone else's dream. Yeah.

You have to follow your own dreams. Even though dad might murder you. Hey, son, I was thinking. Why don't we shoot hoops like Gold Times? What do you think? Maybe later. I can't right now. What?

Why are you wearing that hoodie in the house? Tick the thing off. You are wearing makeup? I can't believe this. So bad. The dialogue needs a second or third pass. How many views does this have? Do you know?

This is really good though. Yeah. And why don't the son know to sneak around? Like he's wearing makeup. Why would he come in in full makeup if he knows his dad is going to beat the shit out of him? Yeah. Just hit videos. There on the thing and scroll down.

You'll find it. There it is. Right? 1.8 million views. And it's two weeks old. Two weeks ago. That is crazy. I got to tell you something.

I've already made up my mind. We're going to make a few of these. Oh yeah. What kind of lessons do you want to teach? I got a couple in mind. I don't want to give it away now. But there's some lessons I'd like to teach. Yeah.

Because this is just, I mean... Explain yourself. Explain yourself. I know this isn't what you want. And I'm sorry. But I can't keep living my life like this. Trying to follow your dreams. I have to follow my own dreams.

And my dream is to become a makeup artist. I didn't raise you to be a makeup artist. I raised you to be a real man. Yeah. The son moved out of his father's house and started practicing makeup. Before long, he started getting really good at it. Meanwhile, the dad refused to talk to his son.

If the son wasn't going to play basketball, then the dad wanted nothing to do with him. The son started filming YouTube videos on makeup and started getting really popular. He followed his dream and couldn't be happier. A couple years passed and the father started really missing his son. But his pride always stopped him from calling.

Until one day, his daughter taught him a valuable lesson. Oh, what's the lesson? Dad. What's the lesson? Why don't you just reach out to him? I just wanted him to be successful. Not going around doing makeup. Dad.

Having not been keeping up with him. What do you mean? He's one of the most successful makeup artists in the world. After two years? Check it out. Stop it. My son's on a cover of a magazine. Yeah.

Because that's how you win your parents' love, right? But actually, I think there's another lesson here. Is that by being an unsupportive dad that's kind of a piece of shit, your son fought harder and became very successful. It's kind of true. So at the end of this video, he should be like,

by not loving him, he's a huge success now. You know? It's true. It's absolutely true. Yeah, happens all the time. I know. Happens all the time. Uh-oh.

Come in. Oh. Dad. He looks exactly the same to your leader. It's been a while. Yeah, it's been a few years. So I thought I'd come and see you. Do you think you can ever forgive me?

Of course. I missed you so much, Dad. Do you think you'll go never forgive me? Oh, get off. And they both come at the same time. They come, hug. I like how he just holds up the magazine, too. Yeah, we'll kind of come to him.

Yeah. It's hard to watch. Do you forget? These are like so bad. Here's the thing. The challenge will be to make something this bad. I know. Normally, I think it's harder to make something this terrible.

Because in acting, I mean, it's true. Because this is sincere. The thing is, it'll look insincere when we're going to try it. That's the whole thing is that this is so sincerely terrible. Yeah. Like whoever writes these scripts. Oh, you're writing them. It's actually like you're writing them.

I think you should try to write it for a kindergartner. Yeah. Like a second grader. Like be like, you know, let's think about the lesson and then like say things super, super base level. This is going to sound terrible, but I always say terrible things. It's kind of like, like my foreign mom wrote these. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Like is this guy Dar Salam? Is he? Dar man. Dar man. Is he like, is he first generation? I don't know. Like he might be written in a second language.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like English might not be his. But is that what they're targeting here? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Hi. So hi, I'm Dar. I'm an entrepreneur, filmmaker on a mission to change lives through inspirational storytelling. Video content I create has resonated with so many, wait, so many that 21 million people

follow me on social media are part of my Dar man fam. My team and I at the Dar man studios have created hundreds of videos about life, business, relationships that have been viewed over. What does that say? 8 billion times? 8 billion. Drawing from my own personal experiences of successive failure. I create powerful messages that resonate with global audiences.

My mission is credit content is simple. We're not just telling stories. We're changing lives. It sure is simple. New videos every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Jesus. It is. Really pumping it out.

Can I tell you what the allure might be? Is that this is not how it actually works in real life. When you have a parent that disapproves of you and then you get successful doing the thing they didn't want you to do, it doesn't necessarily happen like that. When does the parent change in their 60s and they're like, you're right. I'm a piece of shit. This is our new mission. This is a fantasy is what I'm trying to say.

At least six of these. But shit doesn't work this way. I know. They're taking what should be a complicated evolution of a human being and boiling a down with a simple message. So I get it in a way. I'm blown away that it's resonating with that many people. You know what I mean?

I could see this having like 7,000 views. I mean like, oh yeah. But the fact it's some of these view counts. But doesn't it fall in line with people wanting a simple answer to life's complicated gray areas? Sure. Like this is a complicated issue. I'm gay.

I like makeup. My dad wants me to be a basketball player. He will disapprove of me if I follow my dreams. Just follow your dreams. Yeah. Like, okay, it's not that simple. You're going to lose your dad's love. Yeah.

Yeah. It's going to suck. Hey, Darman fam. I hope you love that message. Please remember we're not just telling stories. We're changing lives. And when you share my videos, you're helping to change lives too. I appreciate you and I'll see you in the next video.

See, but he talks like these scripts. Yes. And I'll see you. He writes these. He must write these. Absolutely he does. Because he talks as simply as these scripts are like, thanks, Darman fam. Yeah.

They're wise. He talks like he's talked too. This is really something. It's upsetting, isn't it? Yeah. I worry. Yeah. This is...

Oh. Oh, so there's big news. There's a lot of things going on. One is that, I'm sure you guys have heard by now, Joe Rogan is moving to Texas. I know. He'll be there pretty soon. I spoke to him the other day and yeah, he's gone. Bummer.

Joey Diaz is moving out of here. I know there's an exodus now from LA. I'll tell you something. I cannot tell you, I can't confirm for you who because it's not public yet. I know two other people that are leaving and I know three more that are considering moving. So that would make it one, two, three, four, what, five, six, seven people total that are like significant players in our world here and in the comedy world and from Los Angeles. And so that's a lot of people, you know?

It's a lot. Like it's changing kind of the DNA, the blueprint of LA's, I don't know, comedy scene, podcast scene. Listen, I think these guys are all going to come back once the comedy store is open. You think so? Yes. You can't keep these fools out of the store. You'll be back Joe Rogan once that comedy store is open because they love it and I'm

going to miss seeing Joey Diaz and Rogan around. It breaks my heart. I disagree. I think they're gone. No. They won't be back. I don't think so. I think they'll visit but they're not moving back.

They're not moving back. You don't move like that and then be like, I'm just moving. What do you think? What do you think Rogan's going to go? You know what a maniac, he does his podcast and then he loves to go to the comedy store but he's going to go to another comedy place. I know but it's not the same. It's not the same but it's, I know but it's not, I'm not saying he's not going to miss

it. He's not coming back. All right, we'll put a bet on it. Why would he come back? Because he's, I missed the store. I'm moving back. Yeah. No.

He misses me. Then you. Okay. No. Well, no, it actually brings about, you know, because we, like if you check out my Twitter feed from November last year, I did a thing where I was like, hey, I'm looking at Austin. You remember that? Yeah.

And I DMed like 40 of you because people started interacting with me about where to check out like, you know, Austin places, condos and I was looking at houses because I actually wanted to get a place as an investment but also a place where I liked going to spending time, you know? So yeah, it kind of like got it going again, like the idea of us moving, you know? Yeah. I mean, now that so many of our peers are leaving, it's like, well, what is, why stay here?

And then, yeah. And then I started thinking about, but like where, because I wouldn't necessarily move to Austin, but I'm not opposed to moving. Right. You know? I mean, look, I am because as you know me, I'm a hardcore Angelino and anywhere outside of LA is just not LA as far as I'm concerned. You've made that clear.

Right. The map of the world is there's LA and then who cares? But I will do this for you because I love you and I want you to be happy. Thank you. So I've, I think a few things is what I would be willing to do. I like, I was thinking like since everywhere is dog shit to me, but LA, like, why don't we move somewhere like short pump in Virginia, Virginia, it's a little dump town. And we could be like the richest, badass people of like short pump, you know, cause it doesn't

fucking matter to me where we live. We may as well go big. I feel like you are literally doing a doorman video to my face right now and I don't appreciate it. I think I'm autistic. I think after watching that show that I need to get tested cause I'm not, I don't know what's going on in my brain. I have no filter and that's the sign of autism.

So here's the places I would consider moving. Okay, go. I would consider moving to the state of Colorado. I like Colorado where Denver. I love Denver. I love Denver. But I also love Boulder and I, you know, the surrounding area. I don't like the altitude in Denver.

I feel sick. Oh yeah. I don't like that. I don't like it. It's different. It makes you feel weird. Pop a fucking Advil, drink some water and you're fine. We can't make fitness.

It takes a while to get used to. You adjust pretty quickly. You adjust pretty quickly. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. You'll be really aggressive. So that's one. So cranky.

And I even milked his pipes last night and he's like, I feel, I'm happy. The state of Washington is one that I like because I just, I like that. Clouds. I like it. I like it. I like bordering. I like it. I like it.

I like that British Columbia area. You know where I believe? Toronto. Because I'm Canadian. We are Canadian. Why don't we go to Canada? I think countries, though, feels like a real, you know, adjust. But once this global warming shit hits the fan, I think you'll be okay in Canada.

Okay. Well, so meat rattle. I like meat rattle. Denver. Sure. What about Florida? You have family there. I do have.

So that's always a consideration having family. I like Florida. Yeah. Yeah. It's like California, but crazier. It's way crazier. Yeah. It's like off the rails, California.

It's fucking insane. I like it. I like those crazy places. Yeah. Miami? Mm-hmm. Too much. Yeah.

It's too crazy. A little further north. What's the short pump of Florida? It's the whole state's a short pump. The panhandle's the short pump. The panhandle. That is the story. I don't want to go there.

The panhandle's too trash. No, I'd want to move like somewhat familiar area, you know? Okay. How about this, though? I don't like snow. Can we avoid snow? Okay. Yeah.

So what is that? That's Florida. But Denver snow is like warm. Yeah. It's not like a brutal climate, you know? No. They have the four seas. Like they go, you know, you get a summer, a spring.

See, I'm surprised Rogan didn't go for Denver. I know he loves it there and he loves the clubs. He did it, though. He did Boulder for about almost a year. Okay. And she was pregnant during, I think it was their eldest, you know? And she, I remember she got like, they lived on, I went to the house. They lived on a mountain.

Yeah. And then she like slid on the ice, you know, but that's, that's living on a mountain. You don't have to live on a mountain. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I like Texas too. Texas is cool. Texas isn't crazy.

It's a crazy state. I know. Sorry. I take it back. It's totally insane. But Austin is pretty dope. California is insane. Austin is a pretty dope town.

I like Austin. Yeah. Humidity in the summertime, if you can handle that. Yeah, I've done it. It's fucking. It doesn't snow there right now. In Austin now. It doesn't snow in Texas.

No, but it gets cold. Yeah. Alabama. Alabama. I just threw it out there. Okay. The South. How would you feel about the South?

I told you, I would, I would do the Texas thing, Florida, Colorado, Washington. Okay. I think that's it. Those are the, besides California, it's the only places I would live. You don't like my short pump idea? I don't like your short pump idea. There's a hobby lobby there. It's really nice.

I think Darman will hear this and be like, I'm going to make a script about that. You're going to go, ugh. This is such a gross place with gross people and then someone will go, I was born there. I think I am in a Darman video. I don't think I, I sound a lot like those people actually. Dude. It's a problem for me. So anyways, so you think Denver, Washington, Washington, let's just say Denver, Seattle,

Austin, East Coast, Florida, that's it. I have no family except in Florida. Your family. Right. Florida. I think I'd have to take Florida. Really? I like Florida.

I've spent a lot of time there doing standup. There's a lot of comedy clubs. Yeah. In Florida. And the best part? New staff. Yeah. What?

New staff. If we move. Yeah. There's tons of Jews in Florida. Yeah. There's not like a lack of nerds on the East Coast. Oh. Hey, you look different.

You got a haircut? Yeah. Looks good. Yeah. I did this for you guys. Really? Really? You don't remember you were asking me to get, oh, that's right.

Oh, it's punishment. That's right. It looks good, man. Yeah, I like it. I did. But it looks really good. It looks good. I like it.

Yeah. Do you like it? I mean, I would have liked it better if this landed a little better. If you guys remember it and you guys were happy to see it. I think it looks great. I think you look great, man. I think the hair that is left, it looks very soft, doesn't it? It does.

It is soft. It looks like Bitsy's hair a little bit, doesn't it? It probably feels a little bit better than Bitsy's hair. I think I wash it a little more often. That's probably true. No, you look good, man. You look good. Are you going to rock that for a while?

I mean, I was going to get a haircut later on today, but if you guys like it, I could keep it around. How do you feel with it? I'm not going to lie, this breeze is something else. It feels good. It feels great. I forgot how much it feels. How annoying hair is on top of your head.

Yeah. Yeah. It really traps a lot of heat in it. I'll tell you what. It does. But here's the thing, though, is that I don't know if I'll ever get used to catching my reflection. Yeah, you will.

It just takes a few months. Well, I didn't realize how often I catch my reflection because you just do it and you move on. But I've been startled every time I've caught my reflection. You'll get used to it. It's been like 30 times where I'm just like, holy shit. How's your paying back your debts going well? Nope.

Well, you know what's good about Florida. Plenty of gambling. Yeah, there's gambling there. I like to see those. And no-state income tax. Yeah. Well, I mean. You owe me a lot of goddamn money, you motherfucking Jew.

Oh, my gosh. Wow. Grass kingdoms. Killing it again. I love it. It kills you. Yeah. It's good.

Or it clips me. We don't know how it happens. Maybe some kneecaps get shot out. Thank you, Grass Kingdoms. That was really fantastic. It's a scary time to be alive right now. Well, good. Hope you don't die.

Have we decided on Florida? I don't know. Let's talk about it. I mean, we can talk about it more after. But I mean, I'm up for it. I'm up for the adventure. I'm a beach dog. You know that.

I cannot be with the water. But you know, every few years, I like the moving thing. All right. Can we please talk about the autistic dating show? Yes, Love on the Spectrum is so fantastic. I'm proud of you. You found this one. Yeah, I found it.

And I got to tell you, I've been surprised at how fascinating, heartwarming, and adorable. This show has shaken the ice from my cold veins. I'm back to thank you, Patty. Yes. The people in it, they address how autism shows itself in different, never the same way, kind of twice. Right. And it's called a spectrum, right?

So it's like there's different degrees. And girls, it's harder to diagnose. Harder to diagnose. Harder to diagnose. But a couple of things. Everybody is so genuine and sincere. Yeah, I love it. And everyone when they're like, hey, what do you want?

Because what's happening is that these are people typically in their 20s, early to late 20s, most of them who have never dated, never been in a relationship. And they're like, what are you looking for? And they're all like, I'd love to just to be in love with someone. And it's so sincere. It's so genuine. And they're like, I don't know, there's just so many wonderful personalities. And then each of them has, you know, like these really fascinating quirks.

Yeah. And some of them have such an amazing vocabulary, like command of language where I'm like, this person is like a broadcaster. Yes. Some of them are very. Yes. Very witty and clever. And then some of them have these other just, you know, artistic skills, like one of the

kids, Kelvin, as an artist, you see what he's drawing. You're like, holy shit. Yeah, because they're able to focus at really high intense levels that we're not. And they come up with great stuff. If they're not just playing video games. Michael, he's my favorite. I love Michael. He is fascinating.

He is so sweet. He's so genuine. He's my guy. But the square above him with the boy and the girl. Yeah. Yeah. So that kid can do a Rubik's Cube in like 10 seconds. I know.

Like all he's like, done. I know. And it makes you realize in the 80s when those kids were solving the Rubik's Cube, like they would have contests. Yeah. They were likely on the spectrum. And weren't even talking about it. Nobody even knew.

But it's also the other fact, like I love that they're conversations. Yeah. On dates are basically the thoughts everyone's having. Yeah. Minus how we dress it up with full shit and clutter. Yes. Which is all to the point. Yes.

It's how I aspire to communicate. Yeah. And that's. It's like, what do you like? What are you into? Yeah. Oh, I don't like that. I don't like that.

They tell you like right away. I know. And I love how they'll be like his likes all dogs eating kibble. Yeah. The sound of, you know, nails on the chalkboard. Yeah. Like sandals. I don't like flip flops between my toes.

And you're like, yeah, I don't like that stuff either. Yeah. That's the kind of stuff that matters in life. It is. That was my new show. Those little things that bother you. Yeah. I know.

It really is. I'm telling you, it is a great show. Oh, and you know what I like? Is that they call it Asberges? Oh, yeah. Asberger. We say Asperger's. It sounds so gross.

Asperger. And then they're like, I was diagnosed with Asperge. Yeah. Asperge. Asperger's better than Asperger. Yeah. Asperger. And you know what I love too is that, first of all, I love watching you watch a dating

show. I think it's more about when you softening, like you said, you get to see how you're sitting right now. Yeah. You're happy even just talking. I am. I really like it. And I will lay next to each other in the bed and I'll watch Tom.

And if he enjoys the couple, he's watching his hands go together and your hands go on your chest and there's a smile on your face. I like watching couples interact. It's like it's an extension of people watching. Like I love going to a park and just watching people. But when you watch one of these, just by the way, do you know what Love on the Spectrum and Indian Matchmaking both have that is actually really interesting and that I thought about? They are true reality shows in what reality shows aspire to be in that they're not produced.

Like when you watch The Bachelor or like some bravo show, yeah, all that is not it's not a reality. It's like it's become reality TV because it's that genre. But what happens is those are all manufactured. A producer is feeding content. The story editor is saying, you know, it makes more sense if we cut it like this to basically manufacture a fight or some problem. And so you're seeing something that's being drawn up that isn't there.

This show, they're really like, yeah, they're interviewing people and then they're like, go on the date and you're watching them go on the date. There's no like it's not, it's not made up and it's not and the dating shows that are reality show, they're done to either create conflict like they want it to go poorly or they want it to just be like a sex fest. You know? Yeah. But what was that show?

Was it a limit date when they would take like five people and are five people in a van and just load them up with booze? Yeah. Yeah. Of course. That's what they do on reality shows. I don't want that. But these shows are both like they're not done to show you something that isn't there.

So even like you get excited, oh, this guy's going to go on a date and then he gets the email like we're not going to go on a date and you just get like the, it's not heightened though to be like, oh my God, that's how they would play it. That's because this is a foreign, this is Australian and I think that's why two Americans need that. And they repeat everything in the American. It's like, Jesus. But anyway, I was still, I didn't finish my thought is that I know when you're happy,

when you like the people, you clasp your hands and you give it a thank you patty, patty being patty stanger of the millionaire match, when she makes a good match, Tom likes that. And then when you don't like what you're seeing, I know this because the finger goes in the mouth and you say, no, I don't like that. And I can tell you're very upset. Now I was going to say too, what I love about the autistic show is that the men all fall in love with the girls. The first day they're like, I think I want her to be my wife forever.

And she's like, I don't know, I don't like him. It's just so cute. It is cute because all the guys are like, I just want to be with her. I just want to love. Yeah, I just want love. And there's like that kid, Michael is so adorable. He says at one point he's about to go on his first date. He's like, I'm a great catch.

I'm wonderful. And his parents are like, yeah. And he goes, I'm so looking forward. I'm going to be the kind of guy that after I pass and they're like, pass. He's like, people are going to say, you know, nothing made him happier than being a husband. Yeah. His the way he thinks. I know.

It's really. That's why I want to date Michael. You know, like he really cherishes his wife and really wants to be nice to his wife and cherish her. Yeah. Sure. The kind of guy that really loves his wife. Got it.

Here's a clip from the show. Come on, Mark. Don't be stingy. But hold on. Before we go into that guy. Stop it. You know what I really like to be a load on my swallowing. I'm so sick of that.

And you know what sucks is we're watching our Indian matchmaker show and then Tom goes, can we pause for a minute? And it's in a nice moment. And he's like, I got to watch Ed Asner again. Like you had to stop our good time to ruin my time with that guy because it takes me a full five minutes to say something. That video is the best video I've seen in years. It's not.

I have not stopped thinking about it. It's so horrible. I have not stopped playing it. I'm so happy that we're getting to share it and it's an automatic Hall of Fame clip. It's really. I don't like it at all. That's one of the reasons it's great. No.

And can I tell you? Here's why. And we analyzed why. Yes. Piss on me beat me when that came out. It was so shocking to us because he was making. I'll swallow if I want to. Stop it.

Yes. He was making an insane request. Yeah. But you didn't see him touching his penis. Like you didn't actually see the guy masturbate and like, I mean, now when I see RPC masturbate, I'm kind of like, that's sweet because I know him so well. But to come out of the gate in the clip like, I didn't even know the guy and he's already like, oh, so many like, here's the thing.

I don't like it. It's like cousin Terry or uncle Terry. Yeah. Who I love also. I don't need to see you come on the first clip. You got to court me a little bit. Well, yeah, but I only. Okay.

So I showed you the original. It makes me feel so gross and like, like it takes me a minute. You're going to ruin my time before a guest gets here. I laughed so hard. Like I couldn't keep it together. I was laying in bed shaking. Remember that? I was like, I got to go downstairs and I was like laughing so hard and you were like,

you're a sick person. Yeah. You're degenerate. There he goes. And you're telling people it's Ed Asner. You showed your friend. Oh yeah. He's been showing people.

He's been showing people. He came over and I go, hey, do you know Ed Asner? He was like, who's that? And I go, remember the guy that played Santa Claus and elf and he was like, I don't think I don't remember that. And I just gave him. I go here, watch this. And I watched him.

I started laughing. So he goes, he was, I don't want to watch this. He handed me the phone and I go, you got him. You got him. Watch the end of it though. He was like, I don't want to. And I go, it's not what you think. He goes, is he going to come?

And I was like, watch. Look at him. Look at him. Like, I'm really, I don't. Right before you come. Yeah. I'll swallow if I want to. I have no problem swallowing.

I'd stop for a minute and I'd put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and just suck on that and make it nice and red and let you remember me after I'm gone. Turn over. Okay. Thank you. And massage your little hole and make you feel just the only man in my life. You just did. Do you know?

Okay. I got it. It's normal size. It's not, it's not that, that big. Well, the one, the one thing, the one thing that I'm going to tell you is that the first time it's, it's going to be quick with me because it's been a long time. Yeah. It's really flattering.

But do you know why I don't like him, Tom? Because he sounds like he's talking you through an insurance claim. It's not even remotely sexy. He's like, yeah, well, what you're going to do here is you got a $5,000 deductible on the car. I totally agree. Yeah. I think that's one of my favorite parts.

Is that it's like sticking? My favorite part is that it seems like this could be in a chat room about like boats with old outboard engines and he's like, well, I always got, he's got two, two, 25s on it and just depends if you're more of an inboard guys might not be for you. Yeah. It's like, it's like the Evie Mike guy. Yes. If he were masturbating.

Yes. It's so boring. But I, but I think the boringness is what's creepy and it's bothering me. It's not resonating because, OK, for instance, when I see, I don't know why I jerk off. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, like I'm happy for him. He's like, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Like, because he's into it. He's performing. It's the uncanny valley. Is that what this is? Like something that doesn't resonate. There's something that doesn't resonate emotionally. Like is, is he on the spectrum? No, no, no, no.

It's not. It's creepy. It's more. I think the fact that he's not overtly sexual in nature or in presentation. Yeah. That makes me laugh. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like, it's the fact that he's very, you know, civilian like, like it's very. It's it's he's going to molest you. He's the guy that gives you candy. And he's like, no, your parents told me to come get you. I like just going like this and and going like, who is this guy? And you're like, oh, that's the guy that he he works at auto zone. You know, he sold you tires last week. Yeah.

OK, you come, you come. Let me see. Let me see how much you come. Let me see all that. How much how big a load I'm going to swallow. Oh, my God. I just love upsetting people, you know. Yeah, I know.

I don't know what it is. Like, I'm thinking of sending this out to the family. Huh? Your family? Yeah. No. Don't do that. Why? Don't do that. You want your mom to see this one? Yeah.

You want to show this to her on the live show? Yeah. Yeah. Seriously? Of course. All right, guys. Well, you heard it here. If you want to see Charo get horrified, come watch our live show. It's a whole idea.

Listen, August 14th at 5 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. Tickets are available now on locationlive.com slash your mom's house. I'm look, I'm so excited to do a live show that is completely uncensored and then have my parents there. It's a it literally is a dream. Only thing better would be if they could sit on the couch here with for it. But but I'm so excited for it. But I yeah, I feel like the idea of

of having her see this and getting to see her reaction in real time. What if you could see what if you could see Ed Asner do this live for you? Would you want him on the couch? There's no way he would he would come in. Can we find this guy? I doubt it. Can we zoom? You think we can find this guy and have him be like, come on, Tom.

Because it was sent in as a video file. So it's like we don't even have the link to where it was put. We can find him. We put those mommies on it. You just put the call out. Come on. We have such power. Somebody knows this guy. This is somebody's dad.

All right. So if you guys find him, email your mom's podcast at gmail.com with the subject at Asner. Yeah. We know who he is. Look at those tits on it. I need it. I need it right now. I hate this part. I need it right now.

OK. Can you see this? OK, give it to me now. Give it to me now. Give it to me. Come on, Mark. Don't be stingy. I hate this.

You're going to show this to your mother. What are you going to give her? This one's going to be a big payment. You know that she's going to be traumatized. I'm traumatized and I have a pretty high threshold. I'm excited to show it to my dad, too. I'm going to be like, Dad, this is a guy kind of reminds me of you. It kind of does.

Is that why you like it? Maybe that's why. Maybe that's why I feel like my dad's like you like sweetener or Splenda. All right. Show me those tits. That's what this is. Yeah, it's kind of like that. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's why I'm repulsed by it.

And I don't know why you're not. Give it to me, Mark. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I can feel it. Oh, that's going to be good. Oh, that's going to be good. I hate it. I hate it.

You know what? It's probably because you haven't had a guy come on you yet. Like, you don't know how awful it can be. Like, it is like a bad sexual experience. This is one. And like to be to have come on you and you're just like, oh, get the fuck off of me. And like, yeah. You just need him to come on you once and you won't think this is too funny.

You know what else? I think I see myself in him a little bit like I could see myself landing here in 20 years. OK, you know, I mean, like, I mean, it's not the gay part. Please don't not with strangers like you leave me, right? And then you leave me alone. My autistic boyfriend, yeah, I gain, I don't know, 100 pounds or something. And then like, I just joined chat rooms and like, what's your name?

Oh, yeah, show me those tits. Oh, yeah, I like that. I like it a lot. Hold on. And I just stand up like I could see myself getting that bad. Sure. And people like, is that Tom Segura? Stand up comedian from 2000s. Yeah, like, looks terrible. Well, I remember right when the pandemic was really getting bad.

His last time I saw him, someone telling their kid, no, he used to. Oh, wow. Wow. He's really let himself go. I'm like, show me those tits now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Great. Well, you know what I really loved about the Asperger show? Is the Asperger show?

What's that? Is that girl? She's highly desired in the community. All the boys love her. She doesn't love any of the guys. Yeah. The red haired girl. And she burps on the first date. Yeah. Burps and farts on the second date.

And then burps again on the third date. This is three different suitors. She's like, and the burping is charming, clearly. Yeah. But the fart at the dinner table. It's a lot. Now, what would you have done if I farted on the first date? Do you feel like that's a deal breaker on the first date? I don't think so.

I think the way that she farted. It's the red haired girl. Where's the red head? Maybe front there? Is that her in the front? Yeah, that might be her. The way she farted was very forgivable. It was an accident. Yeah. She was talking and I think she laughed or something.

And then it wasn't like a she wasn't like, hey, check this out. But you know, that'd be a little different. So you would forgive it. I think so. Yeah. I'm real quick, real quick, because we got to get ready for our guest to come in here. Is this funny to you? Oh, fucking fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Look how much you like that. Oh, my god. I put my leg in. You're going to murder me in my sleep. Oh, boy. Horrible or hilarious.

You ready? Yeah. You tell me what you think. Here we go. OK. Yeah. Whoa. Did she burn her face off?

No. She's fine. That was crazy. So what's happening there is a woman poured gasoline into her ex's. Yeah. Vehicle. And then just like lit it right there and it exploded in her face.

Knock her down. She put herself back into her car. Yeah. She put herself back into her car. She loaded in her face. Knock her down. She put herself back together, picked up her stuff. Yeah.

So she wasn't hurt. Clearly. I mean, I don't think it felt good. I think she was hurt a little bit. Well, listen, what do you think he did? OK. We're not looking at what went down. Yeah.

Because a bitch can light a mansion on fire. Yeah. Do you know, by the way, a follow up? Like, do you know who this is or anything? Like, do you know there's a person in jail or anything like that? No. Well, like I said, I mean, what do you do? Exactly.

You probably did something wrong, right? How about this one? This one's pretty wild. Well, if you cheated on me, am I in the children? I'd fucking light up your shit, too. You'd blow up a vehicle? Probably. I'd be so crazed if you ruined our life together.

I don't know what I would do. I'm just being 100 right now. Like, I could see myself getting crazy like that. Be like, thanks, Tom. Yeah. Well, that's just the truth. That's called love, bitch. I love you.

Okay. How about this one? Okay. I'm not laughing. Are you laughing? No. That was sad. That was just an innocent bystander.

He didn't do anything wrong. No, he didn't do anything wrong. Yeah. He got thrown by that. If you're listening, it's a guy who, they're all standing in a parking lot and someone's doing donuts and this dude did a donut in a pickup truck and the back corner of the pickup truck as it's whipping around, hits a bystander and throws him. I'll tell you why it's not funny, though, as opposed to like the Asian car crash, which

is funny. So A, you in the Asian car garage, you don't actually see the impact. Right. You just see the face. Right. Right. So here you see the impact. So you're like, ugh.

Yeah. The body's like laying on the floor. And thrown through the air. Yeah. There's no hilarious scream. Yeah. It's true. Hilarious.

Yeah. The only, the only ridiculous, like funny thing is that another bystander picks up his hat first. That's it. Right. That's the only funny thing. Here's your hat, buddy. Like, I got your hat for you, bro.

Yeah. This dude got thrown by a car. I mean, going like, oh, like he could have completely catastrophic internal damage. You don't even know that that's, maybe he's taking the hat. Oh yeah. He's stealing that. It's like, oh, shit. I want the hat.

Maybe that's his own hat. He was like, shit, man. Yeah. When you flew by me, my hat came off. Yeah. That might be right. The mystery of the hat. Oh yeah.

He dropped his own hat. That's my hat. Whoa. That part's hilarious. And people go, oh, nobody's in a panic. That's the other thing. I think maybe they're so stunned at what they just saw. Yeah.

You're like, what? But I do love that he cares for his hat and the camera. And then he's like, oh, shit. There's a camera there. Yeah. No. I think that this dude, I mean, this dude could die. Yeah.

Yeah. The guy that was hit. Oregon failure. Sure. Yeah. Ribs broken. For sure. By the way, Dr. Drew and I watched the clip of your hilarious Asian moped going up the

ramp. Yeah. And Drew's like, that guy's dead. That guy died. No, he did not. Yes, he did. Remember, he goes, that guy died. No, he did not.

He said that. He was like, it's very possible this guy's dead. He hit his head. He falls down. Funny. He's fine. He said he got a concussion. At the least.

No. At the very least. At least. At the very least. But, I mean, that's not death. Minor head trauma. No, at first. The first thing he said was.

This is way more trauma. He's dead. This I want to show to Drew. You got it. For him to confirm what, that this guy's in trouble. I'll be like, do you think this guy got hurt? Like that? Yeah.

Asparagus. All right. Go ahead. Do we need to wrap up? Yeah. We got a guest coming. Okay. Okay.

Wrapping up. If we can. We'll save it. So many good things. We'll be back very shortly. My mommy. We're back and so is he for the second time. We're super happy to welcome hilarious comedian and podcaster, Brian Simpson.

Thank you for coming back. Yeah. It's good to see you, man. It's been, the last time I actually saw you was before quarantine, but we've talked a few times and texted a bunch, but it's good to see, how are you doing, man? I'm good, man. I mean, I'm as good as I can be. Right.

You know what I mean? Especially for black people. So is that how you feel? You know, I do. I feel like, I feel like there, there is a, there is this like huge outpouring of love, but that's only because there's this big wave of hate, you know, but, but you can't trust Hollywood love. Right.

No. Like, you know, all them, you know, all them white actors that quit their voice. Yeah. I got to audition for all those things. Yeah. You did? Right. The problem is, is like, you know, it's like, I can't sound like Cleveland cause Cleveland

don't sound like black people. Right. He sounds like a white person sounding like a black person, which is like, I can't, I mean, I'm sure there's a black person out there that can do that. They can do it. Right. Yeah. And I'm sure every black person in Hollywood has got that audition.

Dude, that's so interesting. I've never heard it framed that way that, that he does like, that would be an actual harder voice to do because it's not an authentic voice. Exactly. Yeah. That's so interesting. I don't know how it's going to turn out, but, but yeah, they're really looking for black stuff.

Yeah. That's kind of great though. Right? It is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For change.

I mean, you're in fashion now. It's what happened to female comedians. Like they didn't want to hear shit from me for like a decade or so. And now they want to hear from you. So it's your time. Time to shine. Enjoy it. It is like a, like, I mean, socially though, like the last, I don't know, whatever, 20 years,

it's like, does it feel like validation? You know what I mean? Just to be black in America and see the, you know what I mean? Like the wave. Yeah. Or especially in comedy, because you know, like my comedy touches on a lot of like social stuff. Sure.

And for the longest time, it's like, you know, people don't want to, people don't want to hear that. Yeah. And then when I had my late night debuts, like I kind of did that and people were like, you know, that was a great debut. Thank you. But now it's like, it's all so relevant and people are like, oh, we need comics to talk about.

I've been talking about that shit. I think that's actually great though. I think when, when things do resume, it's going to be gas, like, you know what I mean? Like foot on the pedal shit for people are going to be wanting that more. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Have y'all done any, any shows or anything? Not stand out. I did. So I stopped at, I went by a show to say hi. I saw like some friends of mine went on this like outdoor show and I stopped by to say hi and Taylor, you know, Taylor Jones. Yeah, sure. I stopped by to say hi to her and then I got popped in on the show, you know, and I'm

like, oh, I can't resist that. But doing it just one time is worse. Yeah. That's how I feel. You know, I was like, I just want to, now I've made up my mind, like, I'm just going to stay away from it until it's back, until it's back, back, you know, was it like a parking lot kind of thing? It was.

Yeah. I think, I think it was a parking lot, but it was like, you know, it was social distance and mask on, but it was just, it's just getting out because comedy is a process. It's not like, it's like going to the gym, you know, you can't just go to the gym one time ago. Yeah. You know, it's like, you didn't do anything is to get to try the jokes I've been writing down all this whole time to try them one time and then not be able to follow up.

Yeah, it's like, I feel very stagnant as far as like, you know, writing like stand up writing. Yeah. Yeah. Because you go like, what is even, I mean, there's, there's been moments and days where you feel inspired and I write things down and like, this will be fun to try, but then you go, I'm not trying it anytime soon. Yeah.

So I don't like, I don't keep going. I don't go back to it. And then normally you get to try it when, you know, when it's fresh, when it's going to be weird to go back and try something I wrote down. Yeah. When you go up there and you guys remember the protests and they're like, yeah, of course. But pretend it's like it was yesterday. This will feel better.

I know it's, it's going to be. Well, pretend the last 30 comics you saw didn't. Didn't address it. Yeah. Of course. The bigger thing is like, everybody will be like, all right, I have a take, you know, or a joke or an angle and you'll go to like the OR or something and you're going to see like everyone's going to have a joke about, you know, I haven't been able to go to the

store either. They like, they're opening, but they're doing just like the bar stuff. Right. So just going there with no comedy, just I feel like it would fuck me up. It's depressing. It's like, I feel like doing things that are comedy like, like doing a show, it's like, it's like masturbating without ejaculating or something. Right.

It's like a half. Well, I don't ejaculate, but you know, it's like not, it's not a complete thing. Yeah. Even seeing you, I'm glad you're here and I'm, it's like, I feel familiarity. I'm so happy you're here, but part of me now gets said because I know that you and I aren't going to be like, okay, I'm going to go do my spot. I'll see you in a minute. You know what I have learned from this thing though is.

So you remember when it, when it first started and it was very, very scary. Yeah. And, you know, maybe we went to three months without leaving my house, only seeing my roommates and, and, and I was thinking, oh, did, you know, anybody will do just if I could just see anybody. Yeah. That, but, but that's not true. You know what I mean?

It's like what I've noticed is like, you've been away because we, we're spoiled as comics. Me and you talk, text about this, we, we get this high level, intellectual stimulation like regularly and we're constantly around it. And, but, but we're also constantly around shitty people. Yeah. And, and so you've been, you've been away from that high level shit and you forget you've also been away from that shitty shit. Yeah.

And so your tolerance is low. Yes. You know what I mean? Yes. So it's like, it's like you, it's like you're walking through the desert and you thirsty in a motherfucker and somebody hand you a ice cold glass of piss. You know what I mean? It's like, that's, that's not it.

You know, it's like, cause you break. That's a poor social interaction. Yeah. Ice cold guys. You're up, you're up and like, try to, you know, spend time around just whoever, like somebody hit me like, let's just be around. Okay. Fine.

Let's, and it's like, oh no, motherfucker. You suck before. Yeah. Now you suck even. It's like my tolerance for bullshit people is zero. You're totally right. Cause that's one of like the, like the thrills of when you're here going to the store is that you're going to have multiple exciting stimulation, like conversations with people.

You know what I mean? Like you're going to, you're going to work on your craft. You're going to try material, which is like its own rush, but then like in that hallway or in the parking lot, you're going to see Kevin Christie, you're going to see Ali Wong, you see Brian. So, and you'll have like, even if it's three minutes, five minutes, it's a type of, it's like exciting conversations. Like someone will bring up either a unique perspective or something that you didn't know

or something hilarious and you're like, oh, this is what, this actually helps fuel this whole fire. It's all these little interactions, you know? Yeah, exactly. And yeah, then you, then you run into an ice cold glass of pepper. Yeah. Like I almost, you're the worst. So what have your cycles of quarantine been, Tom and I've discussed our stages.

Like my first one was panic buying. I got up all the toilet paper. The second was cooking. I started cooking compulsively. And then I started shopping on Etsy for necklaces and then it was like just Amazon. And then, you know, and then it became exercise and then I turned to drinking. Right. Yeah, exactly.

I went out. You got steaks. You got your steak face. I didn't panic buy. Oh, that's good. But I, cause when everybody was buying up all the toilet paper, I see I was on the road. Like I went, this is fucked up because I was just starting to hit the road in here. Oh, good.

And it's like, and I came back from like my third gig and right as I was boarding the plane, they locked down California LA. Oh, right. And so when I got back, it wasn't no motherfucking toilet paper. Right. So I bought it today. Yeah. Oh, nice.

Yeah. Team today all the way. Yeah. It's life changing. Right. It is the best. But then I started. So I went from that to cooking and I was like, you know what?

I'm a master how to make a steak, you know, which I've done by the way. Good. Did you study videos? Yeah. Yeah. I watched this guy named, named Google. He's like a Brazilian guy. He just, he just sous-vied everything.

Did you have to buy it? I've heard of the sous-vide. Did you do? Did you buy a sous-vide device? Yeah. I bought a sous-vide device. So that's your face. I went in, man.

Your steak phase. Yeah. So I treat myself like once every, you know, six weeks or so, I buy a steak and you can't buy shitty steaks. No. And they're expensive. Yeah. I didn't realize that.

Like, you know, 40 bucks for one dinner, but it's, it's good. It's good. And then it was like comfort buying, you know what I mean? There's like, because, because you're just like, I'm going to be stuck here for how long. So I'm going to make this place comfortable. Yeah. And so I start buying shit like, you know, rugs and fucking paintings and what's the craziest home item you bought?

You bought like, what's the one you're like, that was irrational. That one was the fur rug. I didn't need the fur rug. I think the craziest shit was probably a, oh, a standing desk. My desk. I hate this. So, no, my desk, it like, I push a button in that hole down, because I sit at the motherfucker all the time.

Yeah. Yeah. And maybe, maybe, you know, it's not, it's not something I need it, like looking back on it. Right. It's not a necessity. It's not a, no, exactly. I had a perfectly fine desk.

Yeah. And, and I was like, it would be dope if I could stand at this motherfucker. Do you find that, do you find yourself more productive about a standing desk? Yes. You do? Yeah. Is it because you're so uncomfortable, you just want to get done faster? No, actually, actually, you know, here, here's the real deal.

The best thing I bought was I bought a little, I bought a little rolling table to go beside it. Like it slides under the desk and comes out. So you can sit on it? No. So I could eat on it. Because when I used to eat on my desk, it would like shit would pile up and then I'm not productive.

Right. So this is, I keep my eating shit on this thing. So you have an eating desk and then you're standing desk. Right. I have, I have an eating table. Eating table. And a working desk. And a, and a working standing desk.

That's great. Yeah. So then, so you went through your standing, so your furniture phase and then what after? And then I think I bought, oh, I bought a, a sound bar. Oh, nice. That's good. These are good purchases. Yeah, that was a good purchase.

I bought an air fryer. Air fryer? Yeah, I bought an air fryer. What's an air fryer? It's like, it's like, it's basically an adult, easy bake oven is like, you can fry shit without all the grease. Wow. Yeah.

You can have like, you can have like fried wings and they crispy, but it's not, but there's no grease. How? Um, magic. Have y'all, y'all are rich. Y'all ain't heard of no air fryer. Rich craft. No.

Uh, okay. Well, all right. That's it right there? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. That's it. Is it the exact same prep, but you just put it in this device?

Yeah. Wow. And then it comes out crispy and ready to go. Yeah. Oh, what's this? It's hot. It's hot. Write that down.

We're ordering that. It's an oven, but it's a, how does it get juicy? Is it juicy? Cause what it does is it, uh, it, it circulates the hot air all over. It's like a basket in there and the hot air just constantly circulating. Oh man. I'm fascinated. I want to see this in person.

It's like, you've seen it on like late night infomercial. Yeah. Really? I feel like I've missed it. Air fryer. Air fryer. Yeah. Okay.

So you're into the air fryer. Write it down. I want to fucking order it today. What else after your air fryer? Like what phase did we go through of the core? I bought a nice microwave. Hey, that's a game changer. I still, I'm still poor enough.

I have roommates, right? Yeah. And some, so when we first moved in, I, I didn't have any money. So we, someone gave us a microwave. You know, your first little come up, all your shit is like hand me downs. Yeah. Someone gave us a microwave, but this son of a bitch, it gave us a free microwave, but this son of a bitch gave us a, a, a 750 watt.

You know? Uh-huh. And all of, all of the, all the food instructions are for a thousand or 1200 watts. So that means you got to do calculations before you hit shit up every time. Right. You get some, you put some shit in the microwave. It says put it in there for three minutes. You got a fucking.

You're like six and a half minutes. Right. Exactly. It's like converting from dollars to pounds or some currency. Right. It's motherfucking heat. I was like, why would he give, I was like, who gives away a perfectly working microwave? And then you're like, this is a shitty microwave.

That's why, right? Shitty. But how much has got, getting that new microwave changed it? I mean, it's a life changer. It's a game changer. First of all, this new motherfucking, this, this microwave, you can turn off the beat. What? So yeah, there's no beat.

Dude, we gotta, we gotta, that fucking beat is so annoying. Yeah. So how do you know when your food's done? You fucking just know. Like it, it still, it signals you visually. It's not. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Nope.

You can make it completely. You can, you can turn the beep on if you want. Like you're going to be in another room. Yeah. But if you're not, you can just. And is it a simple thing or you like load in menu? No, it's the buttons right beside. The start button.

It's loaded. Sound. Right. Hey, fucking write that down too. I want to get a different microwave. Yeah. All right. So air fryer.

And a microwave that doesn't beat. Exactly. Yeah, man. Brian's opening my fucking eyes right now. Yeah. I started, I started to, I, I obsess over shit. Yeah. Like me, when I decide I'm going to buy something, I, I read every Reddit post.

I read every review. I go to multiple websites and it's like, I, you know, I Google top 10 lists and I wait till I see the same thing on multiple lists. Yeah. You know. That's your method. Oh, I bought a Kindle. So that was the next.

That's fun. What have you been reading? Dude, your shopping game has been on. Yeah, you're good. You're productive. I'm impressed. Yeah. I've been fake productive.

I mean, I bought, I bought some of those boat, some of those adjustable weights that you, where you can turn the dial. Yeah. Did you do some working out? Yeah. I mean, I'm trying. Yeah. You know what I mean?

But like I said, I'm, I'm still me. The quarantine has not made me, you know, all the things. I've never worked out this much. Yeah. I'm not kidding. I've never worked out this much. I'm working out like five, six days a week. Yeah.

Yeah. And I mean weights. So I box twice a week. I started playing tennis. Speaking of boxing, I bought, I bought some egg weights. Egg weights. They're like, um, they're like, um, in fact, I fucking heard Joe Rogan talking about them.

And then I fucking researched them and I bought those. Those right there. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So they put, they put a, it goes on your finger like a ring almost, but instead of giving you, instead of giving you bigger shit, they just use denser materials. So you, so you, you would be holding something that's in the palm of your hand and the motherfucker

weighs like, you know, 10 pounds or something. Wow. And you just, you know, you shadow boxing with these things in your hand and they're heavy as fuck. Yeah. Look at you with all the cool gadgets. You've got so many good products. I got to text you whenever I'm going to buy something from now on.

I'll be like, which way? Yo, listen, if you're going to buy, if you think about buying some shit, especially if it's a gadget, text me, give me 48 hours of research for you. Dude, I'm going to use this. I'm going to hit you up for this. Yeah. That's dope. Somebody who's willing to do that is such an invaluable friend.

Oh yeah. Yeah. For sure. I won't steal you around, especially when they come to gadgets. Yeah. I feel like it's actually, like if it's something that you're into, the research is fun. I feel this way about cars.

Like whenever somebody's like, I'm looking at a car, I'm like, what kind of car are you looking at? And then I'll do the same kind of thing. I'll do research. I'll watch video because I actually enjoy that process. Oh, I didn't know you were a car guy. I love it. I just, I just like learning about cars.

I can, if you tell me, like I'm actually looking to get, you know, whatever, let's say it's type of SUV, I will get down like, oh, these five and then down, pare it down to these three. And then I'll watch every video on it. Are you losing sound again? No, I was turning it down. Okay. Okay.

So, yeah, no, I really enjoy it. I love it. I love it. Cars. Cars, yeah. What was your shit, Christina? Well, for a while it was wigs. Oh, cars.

I don't give a shit about cars. I'll drive anything. Wigs? I was into a wig phase. She had a wig phase in quarantine. In the quarry, yeah. Yeah. We had names for them and everything.

Like lace fronts or like? Yeah, lace fronts. And I, I even watched it. You really know this shit. But yeah, I would watch tutorials of girls putting the wigs on and cutting the lace and getting the glue and doing all that shit. Like I really got heavy into it. We gave each of the wigs backstories and names and everything.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. She's a runaway, you know. Did y'all film any sketches? You know, we just did episodes. I wore the wig on the show and then on where my mom's at. See, I can't imagine being married with kids in the quarantine. Yeah.

It feels like, I don't, I don't even, because, because here's the, here's the other thing. You know how we talked about being like how you, you, you need that high quality shit. It's like, all my roommates are comedians and we get the high quality, but it's like, because I've been stuck around them for all this time, it's like, it's not, it's like my tolerance has built up and now it doesn't have the effect. Right. Like it's, they're not funny to you anymore. Well, they're funny, but I just, I just, I walk out of my room and, and I see one of

them and I'm just like, God damn it. Yeah. I'm just seeing you. They're like a physical representation of the same thing every day. Right. And I just, and I can't imagine having that with kids because like, I don't have to care about my roommates. You have to care about your kids.

Totally. You know what I mean? So it's like this, this cognitive dissonance where you're like, I fucking love you, but I. Well, thankfully kids are not the same every day. Oh, okay. I think what keeps it interesting is that like they're actually, we're actually really lucky though that they're, if they, like right now there, our kids are two and four.

If they were like six and eight, you know, we'd be screwed. It would be so different because they would have all the, all there, they'd be used to like intense social interaction, schooling, a lot more activity in the regular that would have them been taken away. Whereas two year old doesn't have a clue. The four year old at first was like, what's up with school? I don't go anymore. But then he kind of was like, cool.

And then he's, you know, he's fine with it, but it's because they're like, they're just below that threshold. But I feel like if they were a few years older, I feel bad for, you know, parents who have kids that are in that age who are like, what about today? I want to be stimulated. Give me some shit. Could you imagine the teenagers? I mean, I would fucking have commit suicide by now if I were home with my parents for

months and not being able to see friends or do anything. That's got to be the. Come all over the walls. I don't know. I hadn't done it in this room yet. Right. Yeah. Come for me now.

I'd have been, I'd have been something else, man. What would you've done? You fucking, I'd run away. Yeah. I was a handful, bro. Yeah. Lockdown couldn't have happened in the 90s. Oh yeah.

You told me you were a handful, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'd have burned some shit down. Yeah. You would have. I believe that. I believe that.

Yeah, me too. God damn. Before you come. Yeah. I'll swallow if I want to. I have no problem swallowing. I'd stop for a minute and I'd put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and just suck on that and make it nice and red and let you remember me after I'm gone.

Brian. Turn over and then I would play with your cheeks, maybe even massage your little hole and make you feel just the only man in my life that you just did. You know. That's my dad. You know what made that so extra? It's the pause. His timing was perfect.

He just let it sit with you. What are you talking about? Because I'm really, really into this video. I think it's great. I want everyone to see it. And she doesn't like it. But I think one of the things that I love about the video is something that Christina pointed out is that if you couldn't hear it, you'd be like, is this a guy talking about

like fish bait? Right. Like, you know what I mean? Like, is he a stamp collector who's like, well, there's a 1948 stamp that I've... Like, he has such a... He could be given one of those. What are they called when people speak of the graduation? Commencement speech.

Commencement speech. Yeah, but even that's more inspirational and motive. Like, he's just so down here. It's so fucking boring. Who is he talking to? So it's another man, video chat, who you don't hear the other feed or see it. It's Mark. His name is Mark.

He's a nice guy. Okay, you come. You come. Let me see. Let me see how much you come. Let me see all that gum. How much... How big a load I'm gonna swallow.

Brian. Brian. And it's also like... I need it right now. I need it? Oh, no. Oh, no. I need it right now.

Oh, god damn. Can you see this? No. Okay, give it to me now. Give it to me now. Give it to me. Come on, Mark. Don't be stingy.

Oh, Christ. That is like... What was that movie with the blue diamond? With a guy who was being molested? Oh, come for me. No. Come for me. Come for me.

Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. This is like haunting. Yeah.

Yeah. Mark... Mark recorded this and put it on. I think so. No. No. Fuck Mark. I know.

Mark's an asshole coming in. Fuck Mark. Yeah. Mark is a lot of things. Yeah. Damaged. I think too his... Yeah.

Like his lack of emotion. It's like, yeah. Come for me, Mark. Yeah. Go ahead. And he doesn't break his eyes. Like he doesn't blink. He doesn't...

It's almost like he's... Yeah. It's an awesome clip. Autistic or something. Yeah. He's one of those people that has never had any redeeming quality. He's been in this his whole life. Now he's just an old that.

Yeah. But he was that the whole time. Right. Like he's the boring office guy. Right. He's been the guy that sucks the life out of you when he comes to talk to you and you're cubicle. Yeah.

Like sure does. He's been uninspiring his whole life. Suck it dry. He's the guy that... You had a joke about those people in your special. He's the guy that opens the door at the bank. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. That's like... Yeah. Yeah. He's boring as shit. This guy is boring. For sure he's boring. But he's bold.

How does he have this much bravery and he's so fucking boring? What gives him the audacity to do this kind of shit? I think the reason he's boring is because he has a complete lack of empathy. Like he can't tell how he's making other people feel. He's never changed. Did you see the connection? Yeah. That's why you're so dialed into this guy.

Lack of empathy. No. It's an observation. Yeah. It's an excellent observation. He's brilliant. Yeah. Yeah.

He doesn't know how to read the room this guy. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like that at work and he's like that in his video chat. Right. Damn.

Oh, God. You bet I'm coming up in May. You better believe I'm coming up in May. What does that mean? He's going to come visit Mark. He's going to visit Mark. You are terrific. I know you're going to be good in bed.

That's all I can say. Look how fat he is. Look how fat he is. He's going to come visit Mark. He's going to visit Mark. You are terrific. Look how fat he is. You can go overweight.

But you know what it is? It's not even that he's fat that makes it hard to look at. Yeah. It's that he's, it's that he's fat, hairy and like moist. Yeah. Yeah. And it, it, it. Yeah.

It feels. Yeah. You know he's an excellent lover, but you know that he cares about himself. No, but it's like, it's like my guy like put a fan on. Yeah. Oh, that's another thing I bought. I bought a damn. A fan.

Not a fan. Not just a fan. I bought a damn. It's a, it's a. A wall unit? It's a air circulator. No. Is it the one that has like, you don't see like blades.

You just see like a circle. No, you see blades, but it's a, it doesn't, it doesn't. Like those kind? It doesn't blow like a fan. No, no, no, no, no. Air purifier? No. Air circulator.

Like it's designed to throw air from one room to another. Do you know the name of it? Wow. Or the brand or anything or no? All the time in my head. I could, I could. But does it look like a fan like that? Yeah, it looks, it looks like that.

But that, that Dyson one, write that down too. I want to get the Dyson one. But it, you know, with the no blades, rewrite that down. Cause we have, we have AC, but it's kind of shitty. Yeah. So when we, so when it, it's blown in the living room, I can blow it from the living room to my room. Is there anything worse than like shitty AC?

Like when you. He gets so mad. Every place we've lived, like we've lived in only places that have shitty AC. Like every apartment we had. All our years together, it's been dog shit. And then we moved again and we're in this house and then I'm in, I'm in this one room and I'm like, man, it's fucking hot as shit in here. And I keep lowering the temperature on the thing and I'm like, I guess it's just not

cooling down cause the sun's out and this is another shitty fucking AC thing. And I bring the AC guy out and he goes, no, works fine. It's just, you know, just gotta, it works. You're just not, you gotta turn it on. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And then I bring another guy out who had set things up for us in that. And he goes, oh, nobody connected the AC to this, to the, what's it called? You know, the, the pad.

So he's like, so that, so like for a couple of months I was like, so we just never had it on here. And he's like, that's right. You just never had it on. See that makes me want to murder the first guy. Yeah I know. Because why, why, why didn't I just say you don't know my guy? He didn't, he did not.

It's the quarantine. And I turned it on and he's like, I jump started the unit with, with jumper cables. So it works. But, but you know, it was great. Brian was what a dad he was for the next three days. He was like, can you believe it? The air conditioning final. I was so happy.

And he was sitting in his chair. You walking around with the temperature going? Oh yeah. Oh, it feels great in here. Yeah. Solid 73. Look at that. Look at that.

Dude, it, it changed my mood. It changed my happiness. You know, to have the cool air. See, we have, we have four people and so to keep the peace, we just made a rule that whenever anyone is uncomfortable, you can change the, you can change the air to whatever you want. Oh, nice. But I thought that was going to keep the peace, but it's, but it's turned into this

passive aggressive. Oh, it's got four people's a lot to. Air change. Well, it's really three, it's two people in a couple. There are one person. Right. Is the, is the woman. The woman's going to fuck up your whole thing.

She's always cold. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's what women are. We're always cold. So she's fucking up your whole AC. But she's also the one that she'll just suffer and not say, not change it. Good.

Put on a sweatshirt. I don't think she's ever, I don't think she's ever changed it. I put on a fucking sweater. Let me tell you how happy I was when the AC wasn't working. I was like, let's just open a window. It's just natural. I was really happy. And now you're.

All that pollen. Yeah. It's fine. It's just one flying insect. I don't care. I don't care. Do you remember this guy? Christina, do you remember this guy?

All righty. Feel me. We're going to go for a walk. You ready? All right. Is that a real person? No. Well, the person.

One of them is. One of them is. The other one is just. No. Yes. And he's making videos. All right. Good job.

Look at you. Just a go. I don't care. I don't care. Do you remember this guy? Christina, you remember this guy? All righty. Feel me.

That's a go. I can't. I can't. Just a little bit further. There you go. All right. It's way to the camera. Can you please bring up that thing I sent you?

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. There's an update. There's an update from this guy. That's why I played this verse to give you the back story. Would you like to see the update? Oh, Lord Jesus.

He's so cute. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.

Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing here they are.

Dancing. Dancing. Dancingency. Dance. Dancing. Dancing. They're dancing. Dancing.

Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.

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Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.

Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.

Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.

Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.

Dancing. Dancing. Can I see this? It's basically just what he's— I'll relate it to it. This flag is for anyone who feels their trans age, or questioning, trans age pride flag next, to a new age of progress, mature for her age, or an adult trapped in a child's binary trans ageism.

Guys, are we progressive enough? So anyway, this is the new pride community, guys. We should be—trans age people are valid and loved, so they deserve to be valid and loved, too. This isn't real. Yes, it is. Can we go back to how much better my old guy's working off videos than any of this? Yeah, like this is way worse.

This is way worse. Yeah. I mean, unless— This is so upsetting. Or are they connected? Is this a big callback? Yep. Like that old guy is—like Mark—Mark is a little kid.

Mark is trans age. God. No, I just thought you guys should know. I like to keep abreast of social movements, and we're inclusive. Everybody's included now. Trans age is some bullshit. That's crazy. Of course.

What does that mean? Anyway. That means that you get to go like, I'm 14. That's how I feel. That's who I am. That's why I'm allowed to have sex with other 14-year-olds. Yeah. So when someone goes like, you're an adult man doing this, you'd be like, no, I'm 14

on the inside. I'm trans age. I'm trans age. You're transphobic, if you know. I'm age-fluid. Oh, I'm age. Oh, how much does it cost to get into this place? Well, I'm a senior citizen right now, I feel like it, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. That's so disgusting. It's so gross. It's so gross. Let's change it. Right. So I've come in the toilet.

I'm at the motor. I haven't heard anything about the toilet. I've come in to do a piss. This is what I see. Funny sort of strange system on the back. And binoculars. Oh, this is a toilet review? There's binoculars, and I didn't get it, of course, so I've done a piss, enjoyed the

facilities, hadn't got the prank yet, decided I better let one go the morning bulk, sat down on a year, and it becomes, you get to see the making of your stool through a series of mirrors, and if you need a better close-up, you get that. So I'll see if it can work. Wow. We're going to get one of those, too, babe. My hands in the toilet. So you imagine when you're letting something go, that you grab the binoculars and really

see the full action of the symptom. I want to do this. Yeah, no job. But isn't that a good way to get off? I've already added it to the list. Wait, where is this? The Mona Museum. Museum of what is that?

New art or something? What is that? Neon art, not in Glendale. No, no, no, that's the Neon. No, this is definitely in New York. Museum of Old and New Art in Hobart, Tasmania. Oh, he does have an accent. Yeah, this, but the first thing I thought was, that's a good way to get pink eye.

Right. Who the fuck's been touching those binoculars? Who's that? Who's cleaning them between everybody that comes in? Right. No. You gotta clean them yourself. Watch.

People will be making TikToks today, asshole. Yeah. God willing. That's the scourge of the earth. What? TikTok. No. It's just true.

I'm so glad you're here. But I'm just gonna post this every time people ask me the same questions and whatever again. My name's Farrah. This is the most ridiculous person. I am a trans woman as well as an intersex woman. My pronouns are she, her, they, them, or your grace. My eyes are tattooed.

My nose is a piercing. I identify as a threat, a nightmare, and a goddess. So please bow down to me. Fuck. I do not believe in God. I don't worship the devil. But yes, I am a Satanist, which means I am my own God and I worship myself. Thank you.

Have a good day. See, look, I'm down to call you him, her, they, them, but I'm not calling you your grace. No. You can suck my dick. Yeah. Like you got that from Game of Thrones. You didn't think of that. No.

And also, you don't deserve it. No. No, no, no. Also, I mean, not only is this the most annoying human being ever, but isn't this the most indicative video of 2020? Like, you know what I mean? Yes. Of, like this movement.

Yeah. Of like, hey, I want to be annoying. Like that has happened in the last year with so much fervor and strength. I am my own goddess because that is, it's like, it's like people always take shit and run with it. Yes. Did you see a couple of weeks ago with the lady that like put her pussy on the street in front of the cops in Portland?

I did. Mm-hmm. She like, she like stopped a riot. She spread her legs. Yeah. Right. But then there was a, there was a picture going around of her, of the cops like stopping. But if you, the video, if you watch the video, they shoot at her.

They shoot tear gas at her. At her pussy. Yeah. Like she had two, she had two dudes with her with shields that like walked in front of her and like walked her off the street because they were, they were stunned at first, but then they just started firing tear gas at her pussy. But my point is, I supported that woman. Yeah.

And I think she calls herself the goddess, but this, this is the gamble of somebody like taking it to the point where I'm like, you know what? Well, this is so far. I mean, this is, I mean, it's almost this far. This is perhaps one of my most requested videos. Today we're going to talk about hybrid children. My name is Shosh. I use they, them pronouns and I'm a star seed, channeler and spirit worker.

Hybrid children are a type of star being that consists partly of our DNA and partly of the DNA of other galactic energies. So if you are a star seed, you may also consider yourself a hybrid child. But when I talk about hybrid children, I'm talking about the ones that are not yet here. So I work with hybrid children. Right now they're living on ships and kind of parallel worlds or realms and they're actually in schools where they learn about what living on earth is like because they are going to be coming here eventually.

Sooner than we think. So I work with them in my meditations teaching them things and I also have a hybrid child myself. So my child is made up partly of my energetic template. I personally don't remember the time in which my energetic template was sampled, but some of you may remember these experiences. There's going to be a part two. Oh, please.

No. See, I thought, I thought that I wouldn't hate anyone more than the first place, but this makes me so angry because people like this should not. How does she survive? Well, that's the thing. Here's what's amazing. She also, she has a hustle. She has an actual game where if you go on her page, she's like, hey, a lot of you've

been asking me questions about things and I'm very happy to answer. But you know, my time and my knowledge is worth something. So you're going to have to like pay up. So you can DM this. Yeah. She's like, do you like this bullshit dressed up enough for me to pay me? And apparently some people do. They're paying her for her coaching of hybrid children.

But hello. Do you know what video she could show her hybrid children? What's that? Shyamalanam. Shyamalanam. Shyamalanam. Those stupid videos we watched at the beginning of the episode. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Dar. Dar. Dar Salam. Dar Salam. Is that the old guy? No. No.

She's talking about these insane videos we found that are like, it's supposed to be inspirational videos that are so elementary and so like they're so juvenile and so basic and they have millions of views and they're shit like, okay, like check out how insane this is. Give us your perspective on this, Brian. Are we celebrating something special? What's up with you? I'm not sure.

This whole date is a surprise. Wow. It's so exciting. I can't even remember the last time I was on a date. Look, I'm sorry, but is it possible to get another server? I'm actually the only server working. Is everything okay? Well, I don't want to be mean, but your scars are kind of hard to look at.

Like who would say like, you know what I mean? So this whole thing is like a life lesson video. So he keeps being rude to the server. Honestly, I get this all the time. You see, I was in a house fire when I was a child and you can spare us the details. Things like that. Bring me. I had no idea.

I still really want to be your boyfriend. I don't think things will work out. What? No, Eileen, please, come on. Don't do this. I've already made up my mind. And they have millions of views. Million.

Is she leaving? Is this a comedy? No. No. So there's no punchline to them? No, no, no, no. Is this sincere? Oh, they're all sincere.

They're trying to teach me something? Yes. And that's like the other one is like, you know, there's dozens of these. Why are you inside of the house with shoes on? Oh, sorry, dad. You know the rules. Take them off right now. Okay.

I'm taking them off. Oh, whoops. Great. You're always making a mess. Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. You just can't do anything right. Can you?

Oh. It's, it's really, it's insane. And they, you know, are these, are these the people trying to tell everyone that their trauma is that like, if this happened to you, you're traumatized? It's more basic. It's more simple. That's actually too sophisticated. They're, they're saying things like.

That dad tells us other dad, hey, man, how come you're not yelling at your kid when he screws up? Like he just came from his house to visit his friend. And then this guy's going, you don't have to yell at your kids. He's like, that's how they learn though. And then in the end, the bad dad goes, my kid's getting bad grades in school. And then the nice dad goes, my kid's getting straight A's. Who, which one's the bad dad?

The one that we saw at the beginning. Oh, wow. And then, and then at the end of the day. He goes back to his son. You know what I've got to do? You'll do great. And he goes to his son. You better not apologize.

Yes. Hey son. Hey son. Oh, dad. I'm really sorry about the grades. Bad grades. I promise I'll do better. It's okay.

You're not the one that needs to apologize. I'm the one who should be sorry. I just realized that you needed somebody to help you, not someone to yell at you. Like that. Do you think you can forgive me? I mean, it's one of the weirdest things. This is unacceptable. I know.

I know. I know. Because I'm all about, you know, you know, constructive parenting. I don't think I've got to scream at these kids. Right. But. This whole thing is, and then every video ends with the guy who makes them doing this. Hey, Darman fam.

I hope you love that message. Please remember, we're not just telling stories. We're changing lives. And when you share my videos, you're helping to change lives too. I appreciate you and I'll see you in the next video. Oh. Yeah. Right.

This has got to be a joke. That's what I thought too. I feel like they're going to make one last video. I don't know, man. There's dozens of these. Dozens. And they have millions of views. Millions of views.

And they all have subject matter. Like guy is rude to the sales person and then regrets it. And then it's exactly what you think. He's like, you know, you can't help. You can't afford this. And then later on, the person goes, I can afford it. You just judge me by my shirt. Like shit like that.

See, it's, you know, you know, this feels like, you know, I think it makes me so angry. Why? Because I think these guys are trying to do what stand up does without being funny. Right. It's like stand up with all the funny taken out. All the funny and all the, uh, the nuance and any, any sense of adulthood sophistication. Like usually, you know, like the best of stand up wise is not just funny. It makes you think a little bit, but it's not so direct.

Right. There's a little bit of a layer in there where you go like, you got some thought. Yeah. Like these are, these are the type of people that would, that will surprise you that you're eating vegan food. You know what I mean? Right. That are like, oh, by the way.

Yeah. It's tofu. Right. Right. You know what these remind me of our, have you ever seen a Hallmark Christmas movie before? Yeah. Exactly. 100% this level of stupidity.

Yeah. First of all, uh, to change this real quick. Um, so I offered to, I've been watching. I got one of my phases of quarantine was getting into chiropractic videos on YouTube. Like there's a whole lane of chiropractors just cracking people's backs and ankles and short, like, you know, doing like adjustments. We ever had an adjustment before? I had one time.

How was it? It was, it was bullshit. Just like, I mean, it was, I mean, no, it was, no, it was, no, that's not true. It felt, it felt, um, I was definitely adjusted. Did it relieve you of any discomfort or no? I really can't tell. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel the same way. Well, I don't feel like it's something I need to keep doing. The videos are for some reason to like, at times to me very, um, relieving like to watch. It's like, you know, I, I, uh, I kind of meditate watching it for some reason. It's very satisfying. Yeah. So like you'll see someone and then the person will kind of get them ready and then you hear the like that relief of like the crack.

Right. So, the dog in there with the cool haircut, he's got a bad back. And I was like, look, I've been watching a lot of these videos. Let me adjust you. And he was like, absolutely not. And I, I've been poured him to let me do it and he's refusing. So we got this email from one of our listeners says, Hey, what's up jeans? I'm a chiropractic assistant at a chiropractic office.

And I need you to know that adjusting someone looks easy and simple to do, but requires an advanced understanding of body mechanics that you most certainly cannot get from watching YouTube videos. By the way, the adjustment style you see in those videos are incredibly damaging to this point. I can bore you with the details, but please do not let Tom adjust the dog. Please. He will paralyze him.

That shit is no joke. Love you, mommies. Please be safe. Well, this is fucking a loser. And I'm not going to listen to this. I mean, what can't you learn watching YouTube? I feel like you've seen enough. Why does the dog have that haircut?

He said that it made him feel good and gives him confidence. I don't know. No, you told me to do this and then you forgot that you told me to do it. So I could have just not done this. That's true. I would have completely forgot. You just walked in and was like, give me the George Costanzo. Yeah.

Yeah. I forgot. But it fits him, doesn't it? Like, isn't this Nadav in 20 years? Oh, this reminds me. I have some things I wanted to ask your advice on. But before that, I wanted to point something out now that Nadav brought it up. Could you go to my YouTube channel?

Could you pull up my YouTube channel? And I would like you to specifically go to the Audi R8 video that was uploaded. So I've been doing this thing where, like I said, I enjoy cars. I like being around them. I like driving them. And so we started doing these videos where you can just pause it when the ad here. So I started doing these videos where I basically take a quick look at a car, get in it, and I tell some comedic anecdotal story.

So the way it works is we have them shot and edited by a friend of ours, a guy who works here sometimes named Lindsay. And then he sends them for review. Once we're approved, they go to Nadav and he uploads them. Okay. He uploads the videos. In addition to uploading them, the technical part, he also writes a description of which I really haven't, in my own, to my own fault, I haven't been paying that much attention

to. I'm just like, oh, you know, it'll just be a brief description. So last week, I get a few messages and they're like, Jesus, cool description, man. Like, what are you, a fucking fifth grader? I'm like, what? So, could you make the text bigger? So I can, I got to read this. Okay.

Here's the description that Nadav wrote on my behalf. Is it really fun? Here we go. Okay. For this video. It says, today, I get to drive my buddy Eric's Audi R8 V10 Plus and it was a dream. Trade in your Civic for one of these bad boys with an engine in the back. Okay.

We then go over some proper ways to hold the steering wheel. Don't drive like a grand. Semi-colon. Right. Don't drive like your grandma. So far, it's like, I get it, like that's topical. And then it says, I talk about the time I crashed my car the day I got my driver's license. It could have ended there, I think.

Okay. Here's the next sentence. The rear axle snapped and my sister was hospitalized. Period. Okay. Next sentence. My dad was so disappointed. Period.

Then, right after traffic school, I crashed again. Period. And then the very last sentence, the bumper fell off. That's the last sentence of a video description. Well, now we know who's been writing Darman's scripts, huh? I mean, Jesus. Nadav wrote that? He wrote that.

But that's supposed to be you. So everyone was like, what happened to you? But like, and then I was like, and then I hit him up. I'm like, did you write this? And he was like, yeah. And I go, the bumper fell off. That's just, that's how the thing ends. Right.

He's like, I was just trying to, I don't know. I feel like, I feel like you showed up with some clippers like, you want to fuck up descriptions. So what are the other, I haven't even looked at the other, are the other ones like this too? They're not this bad. What was going on? What was going on? Okay, I'll tell you exactly what happened. There's a couple different.

Are you having shame tears right now? Yeah. Dude, I cannot tell you. I was like, I was doing stuff at home and then you just sent me a screenshot and you're like, did you write this? And I was like, uh-oh. Oh man. And then you're like, this is terrible.

This is the dumbest thing I've ever read. And then the thing that really made me sweat was that you texted me like three hours later being like, I can't, but I still can't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I could not. Okay. So women, and you can't edit those? You can.

But I was like, leave it up. Sit with your shame. Yeah, yeah. So there's a couple different factors that factored into this. A couple different variables. One, I wrote this at like 7.30 in the morning right when I came in before a show day. So, you know, I'm kind of just miss fun. Yeah, I get it.

That's when you're supposed to be at top of your game. Not me. First thing in the morning? No, that's not when I'm at my best. But then, you know, I know how the YouTube algorithm works, and it's like you got to, you got to add all these, you got to add all these words into the description. So I'm like, what would someone say? Like if they describe it to their friend, like, oh, did you see that video where Tom talked

about his bumper falling off? And so I'm trying to think of those sentences and incorporate them into the description. Now, granted, did the algorithm pick this up a little bit? It did a little bit. But, you know, it's not always function over form. The form kind of needs to contribute to it, too. Is he related to like your sister or something? Like, why does he have a job?

Because he's always fucking up. He'll never do anything about it. You know, it would be like if you kept hiring the first air conditioning guy. Right, over and over. Over and over. And he's got a gambling problem. Oh, wow. Yeah, he does.

You owe me a lot of goddamn money, you motherfucker. I got you. But Nadav, what made you close on the bumper fell off, period? And then I'm out of here. Wait, do you get how bad the last three sentences are for a description? You know what's funny, Tom, is that over the last month, every single week so far, it's been like, oh, this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. It deleted a video.

That's pretty fucking embarrassing. That's bad. Wait a minute, how did I lost 10K over a weekend? That was embarrassing. Do you admit, though, that I handled the video deletion pretty well? Yeah, I was expecting much worse. And it was just like, oh my god, he's so understanding. Yeah, I was.

No, you are a great boss. You stern but fair, some people might say. But I don't even, I mean, come on, the sternness. Barely stern, though. Yeah, it's just like the scare. I think he was more upset about this description than the deleting of the video. I think this one really, because I had to hear about it. You understand your fuck ups?

I have to fucking hear about it in our private life. I don't know. You make my life miserable. I'm the one that pays the price for this shit. Because I got to talk Segura off a ledge every time. I am actually, okay, so let's talk about this moving forward. How about moving forward? I don't write them.

How about Zolo? Zolo's in school. Yeah, I want to see a Zolo description next. No, yeah, he pretty much writes all the other ones. Nadav is the boss of everyone else. He oversees everything here, yeah. Wow. Yeah.

So how do the... That's why I'm glad I'm a comedian. I will never have to have a shitty boss or a shitty employee. How upset would you be if Nadav was your boss telling you? I know, because I bet you they're all like, you know what, if he wasn't Tom's like retarded cousin. You know? Okay. I'm just kidding.

I didn't mean to... No, that was fantastic. No, you're not. The R word. So one thing... Oh, we use the R word here for it. Once you see the way that you've been just shooting from the hip on these things. It's why I asked.

I asked for questions to be posed to you. Because I love the fact that you're unfiltered. You're direct. You're matter of fact. I like the way your mind works. You got to lick a sense to you, man. You're a sensible guy. A lot of sense.

You're very funny. So we asked people to ask advice and you know, it doesn't have to be very... I gave some bad advice the last time. That's fine. You did? That's part of the fun. Feel free to give bad advice again. But here's some questions people ask and then I just want your take on it.

Okay. Okay. So somebody asks, he says, let me start by saying I'm a 21 year old bisexual guy. Throughout all my life, I've had little to no desire to have sex with another person despite having a normal libido sex drive. I don't think that doesn't add up. A few weeks ago, those desires finally kicked in because of COVID and my shyness. I've downloaded a few dating hookup apps.

The weird part is when I download the apps and make an account, I feel like a jackass and delete the apps only after a few minutes of making an account. I always feel this overwhelming sense of shame. I've tried talking to my friends and brother and sister about this, but no one I know has experienced this. I'll also add that I don't come from a religious family. My older brother is gay and my parents are very accepting. Do you have any advice as to what might be causing this and how I can overcome it? Thanks, Jared.

So it seems like he's overcome with shame just for jumping into the world of getting the app. Your parents are very accepting and it took the world shutting down before you wanted to fuck. When he says, I've had no desire, but I have a normal libido sex drive. My first thought is, no, you don't. No, of course not. If you have a normal libido sex drive at 15, you're like, I would love to fuck everybody. How old did he say he was? 21.

Yeah, that's not normal at all. But hold on, you guys. I'm thinking the key here is the bisexual bit. Maybe there's some shame because he uses the word shame there. He does. He volunteers the word. He actually says, I feel an overwhelming sense of shame after downloading the apps and he deletes them as if he's already acted inappropriately. So yeah, so maybe he's ashamed of what he wants to do, which is why he hasn't done it.

He's got a lot of maybe. But also feeling gross about the dating apps is a normal response. Like everyone else is crazy. I can't do the dating apps either. Have you tried them? I did. Well, I downloaded Tinder when it first came out and it was like after like a week, I was like, what the fuck is this? Really?

Yeah. It felt so, it feels too impersonal. You're making people like, right? It feels like you're trying to fool people into, the best way to meet people is in person, to me. It's like having something in common, not this whole fake, like I'm trying to sell myself like a product. Yep. I don't know. No, it does make people products.

And I think he might be shy. I think that might be something that he's leaving out is that if he has these normal inclinations, he's a bisexual, he's not ashamed of that. Maybe he's just really shy and you're right. Those apps feel gross. I think if you're being honest, you're like, I don't like how this feels. Yeah, maybe if you're actually, you're socially normal, like you are somebody who feels comfortable interacting with people, you know, shoulder to shoulder. That when you jump on this device to meet people, you go like, this feels wrong. It feels weird.

But also it's like, why don't you hang out with your gay brother and meet somebody? Like, there's something he's leaving out. But there it is, though. That's the advice. Yeah. Hang out with your bro. Hang out with your brother, yeah. Yeah.

Hang out with gay dudes and then meet other dudes. Dude, hang out with your gay brother and then fuck a guy together. Right. Coming for a stroke. Yeah. Or also, or, you know what I mean? Because, yeah, because there's, and you'll get, you'll get offers. I mean, there's nothing more aggressive than an old queen.

So true. They will come for that. Who's like, wait, you guys are brothers? Right. Why don't we go airtight and fucking both of my stuff? Yeah. And no neuropathy issues. Yeah.

Smokes of meth. You go in my mouth, you're in my ass. And now everyone's horny. That's true. Everyone's locked down. Everyone's horny, yeah. It's a good time to go get gay fucked. All right, here's another one.

Ready? Hello. I've been going by Charlie for a while now since my legal name is too feminine for me. I've told all my close friends and my brother knows, but I haven't had the guts to tell my parents as I'm not sure how they'd react or if they would respect not using my legal name. I don't realize on how to get the courage to tell them or how I should tell them. Thanks for all the laughs, Charlie B.

Charlie. So this person is saying that their name is far too feminine. The subject line says from Caroline, so I'm assuming that's the name. And Caroline has begun going by Charlie, wants people to call them Charlie, told her brother and friends call me Charlie, but is too scared to tell their parents. Hey, you know how you name me, Caroline? I prefer Charlie. And how old is this person?

They don't say in the email. Oh, yeah, see, that's going to be a tough one. It is a tough one. Because your parents, that's the one people where it's like, it's certain shit that, I mean, depending on how old you are, because the reason I asked how old you are is because if you had the point where they're still paying your bills, they're going to call you Caroline. You know what I mean?

You just got to put up with that. Because I don't know what kind of environment where it's like, you're afraid to tell your parents? Yeah. Like you're afraid of their reaction? Are you afraid? But I feel like you might have been going to where I go to, which is, you know, there's some shit you don't just don't have to tell them.

You could have everybody in the world call you Charlie, and then your two parents would just be like, you know, they're older, they're fucking different. I believe in shame and small doses. I believe in concealing things. Why are you going to fucking make your old ass parents change who they are? They're fucking old. Okay. They're not going to come around.

It's like you telling your parents, you know, I kind of have this piss fetish. I don't fucking need to know that. Right. You can tell all your other friends about it. And it's like, and it's fine to compartmentalize. Like I have, there's, in fact, I know, I know where someone knows me from based on what they call me. Like I have, I have a different nickname over here than different, you know, over there.

And so it's like your parents, I don't know. That's, I don't know. That's a, that's a war. You can win some battles aren't worth fighting. Yeah. I tend to agree. I mean, I understand when someone's like, well, I don't feel complete until my parents know.

And in that case, I feel like you just got to go, Hey man, you just got to roll the dice and you might be surprised that they are more accepting by it. But also how is Caroline way too feminine? Wait, it's a boy. Maybe they're transitioning or something. I don't know. Maybe the gender that I don't like it. No.

His, his name is Carol. His name might be Carol. Because sometimes boys are named Carol. Yeah. It's an old school name. And he wants to be called Charlie. I think the parents might be more accepting than this person realizes. Yeah.

That's not a bad deal. Yeah. Okay. Because Caroline is a, I thought it was a woman's name. What is that? Caroline is a woman's name. No. Yeah.

It is. But it's a man. Caroline. Or Caroline. Oh, here's, you know what? Here's an idea. Why don't you just have, have a little get together when, when, when the quarantine is over and have everybody call you Charlie until one of your parents brings it up.

Yeah. What's going on? Why the fuck are you calling? Why the fuck are you calling them Charlie? Hey mom, that's what everybody calling me now. Yeah. That's what they're calling me. Yeah.

And then you can also pipe up, why the fuck did you name me Carol? You know? I know. You know how much I don't like that? Wasn't the guy that invented like the, the Carol Shelby? Yeah. What's his name was Carol? The Carol Shelby.

Carol used to be a man's name. Yeah. I mean you have a right as an adult to be called whatever you wish. So if you're an adult, you're 18, guess what, I'm going by fucking Scooby-Doo now. I don't care. Some people, you know, they're, I mean, Lindsay. Yeah. Lindsay, the first time you meet him, he's like, he's like, yeah, it's a girl's name anyway.

Like he, you know. He's so used to it. Yeah. Right. And it's like, I don't know. He just owns it. So you don't think of it as. But then again, yeah.

I mean, look, I mean, Elon Musk named his kid a fucking mass problem. I know. Yeah. I don't know, man. The parents thing, I'm telling you, it's like, you don't have to tell your parents what makes your dick hard. I agree. I'm old school that way too, is just hide shit from your parents.

Yeah. It's okay. They don't need, you don't need to break down. Although I did, I didn't tell you, I got an MRI on my shoulder the other day. Yeah, yeah. And I'm laying there and they go, I haven't had one like 20 years and lady goes, hey, so your only job here is to lay still. Can you do that?

And I go, yeah. I go, I can lay still, but my dick might move around. You didn't. I go, because you're beautiful. Oh, wow. And she was like, that's really nice of you to say that. And it's just, I don't know, it's just a way you can talk to people, you know? If you're trying, like, I'm just trying to be nice, you know?

I was like, look, I'm married, but my dick's hard looking at you, you know? That happened to happen in an MRI machine? Yeah. Yeah. And she was like very touched. She was like, you're really sweet. They're like, we're going to have to sedate you, Mr. So. It keeps blocking the, it keeps blocking the instrument.

But he did make a joke to the Philippine owner. So when I, you were giving sperm for the sperm count, we were trying to have kids. Yeah. What did you say? They took me into the room to jerk off. And they're like, test of how my sperm are, you know, before. Okay. And they're like, so she goes, fill up this cup, you know, and make sure your penis doesn't

touch the rim. And they put you in a room with porn. So they're like, here's the remote. And then they hear, you know, it's like an Apple TV remote. And there's different movies. And I was like, good movies. And she was like, yeah. Good ones.

And then I go, so are you going to stay while I do this? And she was like, no. And I was like, I'm kidding. And she didn't. She didn't. They don't take that show. No, no. They probably hear that joke.

Yeah, probably. I was like, you're not going to watch me jack my dick. Actually, you might be right. They might not hear it a lot. I think most people are probably pretty respectful about it. Most people won't do that to other people. Yeah. I was, I was rolling the dice.

All right. Here's another one. Hey, jeans. I, I recently broke up with my, with a long time ex. We're both 30. We've been friends so long. I've known her half my life, her family and our best friends. Now it's awkward.

I'm really, I'm really close to all of them. Heck, we even still fuck around time to time. Okay. I'm wondering if I should cut off all communication or just leave it as it is right now. By the way, she does have severe depression problems and mood swings. She just stopped taking birth control too, which was affecting the relationship. I want to help her, but I don't think I'm in that position anymore to do so. Love you guys, Jose.

I think Jose answered a lot of his own questions. Yeah, Jose. Get the fuck out of that situation, bro. What are you talking about? You friends with her family know the fuck you aren't. No. And you stop fucking this girl. She just stopped taking birth control.

Are you serious? Yeah. You just said she has emotional instability problems. Yep. And you, and you busting in this? You trying to fuck your life up, bro? Get the fuck away from that. You dodged the bullet.

You need to listen to Brian. 100% Brian. Yes. No way. There's no, none of this. See, I'm not one of these people that's like, oh, I'm friends with all my exes. Fuck that. Yeah.

Cut it off, bro. Block them on everything. TikTok, Facebook, text, email. Don't contact these people at all. You friends with their family. And if you miss her, just know there are plenty of other irrational, emotionally unstable women out there for you. Exactly.

It's plenty of rational, emotionally unstable women that are on birth control. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's like, well, why would she just stop taking birth control? Dude, you should cut, like, absolutely. Yeah, get the fuck up out of that situation. I think too, people feel guilty when you dump somebody and then they want to help that person through the breakup.

For instance, like I'd break up with you, but then I feel badly and I want to try to help console you emotionally. It doesn't work. That's a woman thing. Well, it's obviously, it's a Jose thing. I'm sorry. But when I break up, it's like, it's as if you'd never existed. I treat you as though, like, your molecules went to making a tree or something.

You were never in my life. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's not in the mean way, because I've run into exes or bumped into them or they, you know, create a fake account and try to contact me, but it's like, I'm cordial, but it's like, I don't want you to die or nothing, but I also want you to leave me the fuck alone. Yeah. I don't want you popping up in some shit.

Yep. No, because how are you being friends with her family? How is that fair to the next person you date? That's true. Now, these are your best friends. Now, your new girlfriend got to be in a room with people that they don't know you fucked. Yeah. You fuck all of that.

This person literally laid out the advice they need to themselves in the email. And if you get that girl pregnant, bro. Oh my God. Forget it. You just asking for it. You listen. What's his name? Jose Jose Jose.

You deserve whatever happens next. Right. Whatever happens next, you deserve it. So ask yourself, what do you deserve? Do you deserve a life free of bullshit and drama? Or do you deserve this crazy? I don't want to call it crazy. That's dismissive.

Or do you deserve this mess? Because you're going to get whatever you want. You're going to get what you deserve, Jose. You can get what you deserve, Jose. You feel me? Leave it at that. Last one. I want to ask you, this is a good one.

This person says, hey, James, I have a question about dating. I am 19. I do not have very much dating. I don't have very much dating experience, but the guys who always seem to show interest in me don't have the same sense of humor as I do. I'll show them clips from either the podcast or things I find funny. And usually they are either grossed out or they just don't get it. So any advice on finding a Tom to my Christina?

Nerds. Thanks. Keep it high and tight. Rose. Rose, you're hanging out with fucking nerds first of all. Well, okay. Well, when you're 19. Yeah. Okay.

You can't find a Tom that young, right? That's right. Y'all didn't meet as teenagers. Y'all had been through some shit. Well, to be fair, Tom was already 40 when he was 23. Like he's never been a young guy. Yeah. See, that's why we get along.

Yeah. And a missing throat. You know what I mean? I don't like people. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't need a lot of excitement. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. But also it's like, yeah, you, you, you're 19, you know, you, it is good that like, cause somebody that you can't share that you can't laugh about things with. It's miserable. Yeah. You can't communicate with that person. No.

You know what I mean? It's like, they call it a sense of humor. It's like, it's almost like, it's like being with somebody that, that they don't think something stinks. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're like, do you fucking smell it? It smells like a corpse.

And they're like, what? It smells great. Yeah. You can't date that person. No. True. You know? So to me, it's the same thing as like, if you, if you can both, if you can watch something,

you're fucking crying, laughing. Yeah. And they're sitting there with the straight face. That's not. Are you mean like when I'm crying, laughing and the other one doesn't want to look at the screen even? I mean, the other one sees it as a gift to have this old man jerking off in front of you and the other person's like, that's not fun.

Like that. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think what you need to do is, I mean, first of all, if the, if your mom's house is your,

if that's your measuring stick of whether motherfucker has a sense of humor, there's a, there's Reddit forums, there's all kind of your moms, there's all kind of mommies out there. You know what I mean? I think we could put the call out. You're totally right. Yeah. Totally right. Put that on your dating profile, maybe.

Yeah. Put the jeans. And they know what it is. If you're low key, you ain't got to put. Jeans up. Yeah. Put the jeans up in your, in your. Your bio?

In your bio. Yeah. They'll come, they'll come out of the woodwork. Start jumping in on, like you said, on the Reddit stuff or commenting on Twitter or Instagram and you're still fine. Yeah. Wait a minute. How old is she?

19. Oh, damn. Hoseis 30. Yeah. Hoseis 30. Yeah. All right. All right.

All right. All right. That was great. One thing, because you mentioned it earlier and then I have some here just to look at, as you mentioned that the end of the world as you know it is TikTok, right? Oh, yeah. Let's keep going back to that. Oh, yeah.

Let's keep going back to that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Here's some TikToks that Christina has curated. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Okay. So you go ahead and just let us know what you think. How do you feel? I just want people to realize that I'm a Christian. I would never murder anybody unless they tried to murder me or my family. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah.

Don't ever call me a serial killer again. So what's going on? People have been calling him a serial killer? I guess so. So he also, well, there's updates. I don't know if they're included in this folder, but I like how he started out with I'm a Christian. Yeah.

Like that means you're not a murderer. Yeah. That means you're a good guy. I think Christians are murdered if they're fair share. Yeah. I think so, too. Yeah. I've done much on me in years, and I love Diet Coke, yeah, and they also call me the

King's Man, yeah, and I love to sell candy, and I love my Diet Coke. You love Diet Coke, too. I thought that's why you liked that. Yeah, Diet Coke's good. Thanks a lot. You guys have something in common. Diet Coke is good. I mean, this guy has a position on what we should do with the Confederate statues.

Yeah. He's like, all right, am I taking them down? How are these people, do these, I wonder if these people know what TikTok is. Like I wonder if they know, like it sounds, it feels like they think that these videos are just going to different. Yes. There's a whole lane of TikToks that is, are these DMs? Like no, this is public.

Yeah. There's one guy that thought it was a still photograph, and he was like, oh, I'm looking for girls. Yeah. Well, there's another guy who was, he was publicly posting, I'm sorry, Sheila, I didn't mean to, like a message for a one person, and that was in his feet. And he had multiple, he's like, please take me back. He's crying and stuff.

Yeah, that's really good. Dude, this is a public. Listen, if you want to understand humanity and what is going on, you need to be on the talk. No, no, no, you know what, you know what, you know what solidify my shit? Can you go to my Twitter? Uh, he might be able to hear BS comedian on my Twitter. Someone shared this TikTok with me and I was like, I'm, I'm done.

I bet I've seen it. I don't know. I was just like, I'm glad this didn't exist when I was in high school. Oh, I would have been so mortified. I heard you bitches were looking for me. She got off. Oh yeah. That's the unicorn cult lady.

This is the Republican teenage breakup video. Oh, boy. Oh, that's not normal. TikTok. I don't have my feet. Does it not look like this? I can tell you already. Is this popular things?

No. What is this? This girl was broken up with by Cole and she made this video to basically say, you know, whoever gets him next, you know, put up with his shit because he's worth it. Oh my God. So like she, she filmed herself with the, with the ugly cry and can we watch it or no? It's so well produced.

Let's see. It has four. No. It's got popular music. Can you just mute it and let me read it because the subtitles will carry it and make it bigger. Mommy, I can't read it. If whoever gets him next to be patient with him, he means well, I promise, but there when

he's there when he's struggling, no matter what, let him live his life. It will make him so much happier. Oh my God. There's a Trump 2020 trust him, he just heard that. Don't take fights over things that are not worth it. It will only tell you. Sounds like it's her first relationship. Respect his decisions.

Oh my God. Yeah. It's the time you get to spend with him. Okay. Treat every single hug and kiss. I'll get your last. You'll read. Oh my God.

Oh my God. And now it's like you're, you're cemented as a loser for at least the next decade. At least. So embarrassed. Can you? Because because the only evidence of me being this sappy was like, there's probably some scratched up mixed tape CD. I mean, girl.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you're at your lowest like that, when you just had your heart broken as a teenager. You make that so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. Oh my God. It's your lowest point in your fucking life, but she really is.

I don't want to not, please look at my other talks. So what you're talking about, what you just saw, that's the mainstream talk. That's not what I curate. That's mainstream. What they're sidelanes of Tik Tok. Yes. Yes. Christina only does the deepest, darkest dungeons of Tik Tok.

She doesn't do any mainstream stuff. I don't go to mainstream. Hi Tik Tok. Oh wow. So I wore my skirt to work for the first time today and I was misgendered. So this customer, she came up to me and she like needed my help. And so she was like, sir, sir, sir. And so I helped her in everything.

And then the second time that she needed help, she was like, ma'am, she's like, and I got it right this time. And I felt so awkward. Like I didn't want to tell her like, no, you got it wrong. Like you had it right the first time. I don't know. Point to the story. I wear skirts if they want to.

And my pronouns are he, him, his. That's Portland. Yeah. Oh god. That's somewhere in Portland where there aren't riots or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. There's no other, there's no other city where this would be.

I like that the, like the whole audience was going along with the misdirect as I was. I was like, oh. So you're upset that somebody called you him and then he's like, nope. All right. Right. I'm a guy in a skirt. Deal with it. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Sorry. She saw you, the lady saw you from far away. Thought you were a dude. Thought you were him. Mm-hmm. When you came close, noticed the skirt. Yeah.

Tried to correct. Yeah. Try to be nice. Right. And so what do you, this was. The person was being thoughtful. The lady was being like. Or trying to be right.

But it's a trap because you can never get the right answer because the answer is always changing. It's like LGBTQ, oh, but you forgot the IA asshole. Like every day there's a new thing and if you're not on it, you're fucking piece of shit racist. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like, if you, if you trick me up more than once, then I'm just not, I'm just going

to. I'm not, I don't want to disrespect you. So I'm just going to not talk to you. Right. Right. Which excludes those people even more. Which sucks. Because the whole point is to be inclusive.

This right here. I'm just going to be like, what's your name? What was your name? And then if you go, that was Brian. Okay, Brian. Just stick to Brian. Yeah. Charlie.

Yeah. Yeah. Caroline. You like it though. No, I don't. I don't like it. I don't like it. See, this is my ed ass.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Tom. Tom. Wait a minute. How do you, please explain to me what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what her diagnosis? No.

What is this, what is this video missing that the, that the first video has? It's perfect. Because they see, they both see, because this is, this is easier to watch. Than the old man. Than the old man jerking off. I'm going to pee on myself. I mean, the lack of words is bothering me. You know what I think, I think, I think the, the first video bothered me so much is because

I'm afraid of having to jerk off one day without seeing my dick. Like talking like, like just do it from straight from field. I told her that one of the reasons I think that video resonates with me is I see myself a future version of myself in it. Not in the gay part of it, but it just being overweight, sad with a headphone in. She's left me and I'm just like, you got, I see your tits, you got to pull them out for me. And then like, I, I, and I just, I don't have any game.

I'm just like, hold on a second now. And I'm like, it's not that big. And I left a lift. My gut up. And I'm like, you got to, you got to, you got to jerk off at that toilet with the, with the mirrors. And then. Yeah.

And then I just hear all you hear me saying is like, well, you just get my other credit card. Hold on. Hold on a second. I'll be right back. Just like, you got to pay asshole. I'm like, hold on a second. Yeah.

Cause my, my voice is slowly, it's slowly turned into that creepy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Wait, but don't. There he is. Baby daddy.

Okay. No, I'm just going to, we're going to. That was brief. No, we're going to. He wants to be called baby daddy. Thanks. He's just saying from now on. Big juice.

Here I am. Back at it. I'm back guys. I'm back. Triple bypass. Here I am. Here he is. Where'd he come back from?

That was just the whole thing. And then there's a reveal. There's people in the car. Yeah. Those are not his, those are not his children. Is he driving? He's driving like Indian children. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Indian children. All right. Well, wait, what's the stains around his mouth? He has like cheeseburger sauce on his. Oh, is that crazy? Yeah.

What is that? Here I am. What's on his mouth? Back at it. Yeah. Some food there. So what? People have food.

I'm back from Latham. I'm back from Latham. Here I am. Here I am. Okay. Also, if your nickname is juice, you don't need big on it. Yeah. Yeah.

Juice just means a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And then you really should wipe your mouth before you make these videos. Yeah. You should. Hi, y'all. Grow up and smell the fucking cup of coffee in the morning.

That's not the expression. And how does it work? That's not the expression. All week. And that is not coffee. All right. Wake up and smell the coffee. What?

Smell the coffee. That's not coffee. He hasn't drank coffee in a long time. Yeah. He's clearly a Tampa Bay Bucks fan. Okay. One day I had one of my little lambs go missing. And I heard that Jeremiah and Billy Joe were walking home from school and he thought that

he has little lambs. Okay. I don't like this one. Whose grandma is that? Somebody's. Somebody's. Your grandma. Get your grandma.

Go away. Okay. I'm jumping forward. That one's so disturbing. This video is for Kate. It looks like Bert. For who? I'm glad you saluted the president.

And you got to meet him. That's a once in a lifetime opportunity. And the rest of you who have been shaming him and running your freaking mouth, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. There's no hate needed. Just love. There's enough hate in Congress without your help. You don't think that's a Bert kind of look like?

Kind of. And he confuses me the way Bert does. Yeah. Because if you're going to expose me to that, to the way you look, just say fucking. Why are you censoring your words and not the rest of you? Yes. I know. If you're a shirtless guy, just go for it.

And he's got this weird red tint around his eyes and his mouth to make it look like he has some kind of vitamin or something. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. What are you doing? What the fuck is right?

What are you doing? What are you doing? What the hell was that? My eyes hurt. I had nothing. I think that guy said Black Lives Matter. Like in his own way. He did not.

No. Black Trans Lives Matter. Jesus Christ. Oh boy. Oh shit. Hey y'all. I'm going to tell you something right now. Okay.

Don't. Redneck Pirate Rocks. Okay. Thank you. Thanks for pulling these out. This was really nice. You got it. Trump 2020, guys.

Make America great again. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I got something so hot in the mail today. Oh that's a mail. It's a custom burnt Grizzler mouse pad. Oh fuck yeah. His stomach's so fat.

He's so racist. His tits are nice and full of Kool-Aid. But don't worry. He's locked gallery. Who is that? Wait a minute. Who is that? A picture of?

Burt. Burt. That's Burt. It's Burt Mouse Pad. It's a naked Burt Mouse Pad. I can watch it stand up with the keyboard and the other. I can use it to jerk off and rub it all over his chest when I come. Oh fuck yeah.

Is that really a picture of Burt? You know what? Is that Burt? Yeah. It's not making the video. No. But the photo's real? The photo's real.

That's his real chest hair and stuff? Yeah. That's him in a bathtub. He looks a lot hairier than I remember in life. Well you gotta pay attention. Yeah. He's shirtless quite often so you can get a gander whenever you want. I'm upset that you didn't really like those last few talks.

Jesus Christ. All right. So this was so great you coming in man. Thank you for coming. I really laughed a lot with you today. Thank you. Thanks for having me. There's a lot of fun.

B.S. Comedian on Twitter. Are you only on Twitter right? No. Instagram and Twitter. And also B.S. Comedian on Instagram or no? Yep.

Both. Okay. B.S. Comedian. Hilarious comic. Make sure you check them out live in 2024 when we're back on the road. Right. Well Andrew at the comedy store quite often too.

When things are normal. Yeah. And your podcast? B.S. With Brian Simpson. Yeah. B.S. With Brian Simpson.

Nice. Hilarious. Thanks again for coming in. This closing song is Push Them Out by Beats by Manolo. Bye guys. Beats by Manolo. The man who put his own balls into his own ass and then push them out. Push them out.

The man who put his own balls into his own ass and then push them out. Push them out. The man who put his own balls into his own ass and then push them out. Push them out. I like Lil. Huh. Huh. Huh.

Huh. Huh. Huh. 02:29:49,800 --> 02:29:50,800 Uh huh. I like Lil. Uh huh. Uh huh.

Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Now you know what I'm saying? I like Lil. Uh huh.

Uh huh. Ah huh. Uh huh. Not even knowing what I'm saying is. I like Lil. Uh huh. Glue him to his own balls. He put his own balls.

He put his own balls. I like Lil. I like Lil. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uhhuh. Uh huh. Uh huh.

I like Lil. I like Lil.