Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 568 - Kevin Nealon - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

NEW LIVE SHOW - Friday, September 18th @ 5PM Pacific! Go to https://ymhvirtual.com and get tickets now! SPONSORS: - Go to Saatva.com/theshit to get $225 off your order - Go to ExpressVPN.com/YOURMOM today and you can get an extra three months FREE - Get a 4-week trial PLUS free postage AND a digital scale without any long-term commitment at Stamps.com, clicking the microphone at the top of the homepage and enter: MOM - Go to GetRoman.com/MOM today and if approved, you’ll get fifteen dollars off your first order of ED treatment. - Go to Whoop.com and enter “YOURMOM” at checkout to save 15% - Download the DraftKings app NOW and use code MOM for a chance to get a free shot at MILLIONS of DOLLARS in prizes this week! PULL YOUR JEANS UP!! Tom Segura and Christina P open this episode of Your Mom's House with a tutorial of how to slap your beanbag against your leg. Tim and Crystal rock their Gucci and Prada shades and Tom pitches a promo idea in which Nadav takes a gasoline bath. Tom and CP share some recent brown stories and encourage the viewers to announce their farts out their car windows. They reply to some listener emails, watch a follow up from last week's Christian conspiracy theorist, as well as several different lanes of mask videos. Kevin Nealon is a stand-up comedian and actor. He joins the main mommies to discuss his upcoming live show Behind the Mask, as well as share stories from his time on Saturday Night Live, discuss fashion throughout the years, recount a run in with a dancer in Hollywood, and tell some of his classic jokes. Jean and Jean share the I'll Make Ya Come guy with him, videos of anti-maskers, and some of Christina's curation.

What is up good morning good afternoon good evening wherever you're joining us anywhere in the world You are now dialed in to what's going on in the world. That's important This is your true news source unbiased right down the middle being objective not Playing to one side or the other we're giving it to you how it is and you decide after you hear what's happening Unbiased and unimportant that's the kind of news we report your mom's house news. None of this matters But it matters the most because it's it's what brings you joy. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, that's all we care about nowadays

That's right trying to keep fun going trying to keep the fun going come the fun Going let the fun train start choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo many of you have already Decided to jump on board with us for our second live show your mom's house Live tickets are now on sale. The show is September 18th 5 p.m. Pacific 8 Eastern Worldwide here's the cool thing one of the we learned know you make you learn every time you do it You learned because we were asked so many times for people that couldn't join us live could they watch it after we fixed it Here's what happens now if you get the ticket obviously you can join us live if you can't watch live you can watch for an entire week So you have a week with the video so that means you can watch it all the way until almost midnight on

Friday September 25th or 26th. I forget what the date is the following Friday. You said Friday Day instead of Friday you said Friday like a real talk. What is it 25th 25th? So you have all the way up until then to watch it. It's going to be a Bananas show. I mean you're gonna watch this show. It's gonna It's gonna be good So I will I will say oh my god You haven't yet bought tickets, please show me that you like me. Okay get tickets

It's why it's ymh virtual calm That's now the site that we will stream that live show and also you can watch it afterwards there We're very excited about so many surprises. I mean we have really we've really curated quite the lineup for this live show And I'm so excited for you guys to see it and join in it's gonna be awesome It's that special guest ripped. We're shooting multiple original content like sketches for it It's a whole new thing for us, man So, you know what to do ymh virtual calm come on show me that you like Tickets are there

Okay, and don't be like just get the tickets. All right. All right, so Speaking of do we want to go into the controversy. We were once again fired. We were fired again. We were fired again. We went to four four Separate print houses if you're one of the people that bought the Googling the dog is googling mousepad Yeah, but that will say something different soon, which will be we're not here It is being refunded Because every print house that we sent it to was like we politely decline

To print the dog is googling lyrics. I mean I is it the F word or is it the J word? I'm not sure F word. Oh, it's like what's tripping them up here. I think it's fj combined. I Think how F led to J. Yeah, is what made them go. I think we'll pass on that That's too bad because it's really just out of love that we call him that and that we didn't call him that grass kingdoms But I think what I'm trying to say is uh-huh it's born out of love, right? Yeah, yeah, I mean when they didn't print it we were like four different Or giving you money to print something just print it it's and you know what else it is. It's not only gay

It's gay and retarded. Oh my god You didn't have to take it there I think I did Because this is a safe space number one. Okay. It is a safe space number two It's super gay and it's super retarded. Okay, and I don't like it I mean, it's a mouse pad. It's a mouse pad. I know fucking. It's upsetting. Yeah, it's upsetting that they wouldn't I mean I thought everybody also like that song was A hit in international smash it people were dancing to it in countries. Yeah How many gay retarded people do you think exist in the world? I don't know. Is that a huge

Demograph, I don't know Are you gay and retarded right in? Tell us about it We need to talk about the R word, okay Yeah, we should get going here, so here's the thing man are completely retarded, all right Christine yeah style it back. Okay. Did you know that Christine is the new Karen? People are starting to say Christine now. I know Devastated yeah, I did sorry. Isn't it funny when an R word uses the R word?

Are you saying I'm R worded Hey, don't write on me I'm your baby mama, so that means your kids are half R worded. I was not saying that at all I think you completely missed it. Oh Yeah, exactly So let's get started with the show Here you go. Blow me up, Tom Hello, I am Miles Pardo, and I'm going to teach you how to

Happy balls up against your leg Hold on Randy don't bring anyone loving to this With Tom Segura All right, I got my Gucci shades on really feeling it today. Oh my gosh, you're wearing your fucking Prada shades These are funny enough. I spent $2,000 on these worth every penny every penny. How much rears these were 3500 But I can see clearly everything is so crisp and clear Yeah, some people like made fun of me when I first debuted these and they were like they looked like fucking welding glasses I'm like yeah, cuz you don't know fashion fuck face stupid. You're so stupid with your shitty round glasses

You don't understand I'm fashion forward Yeah, these aren't expensive But they last for like a year and then you get the other ones the newer ones You know what's fun to do is you buy a pair of like $3,500 sunglasses and then you just break them you throw them on the ground You do it in front of like a poor person Yeah, that's what we do we go and we buy them and then we do it in front of homeless people Yeah, shatter them. I pee on them throw food in their face and I let you eat that fuck face This kid I mean this kid's a genius America's got talent. Why isn't this kid winning America's got talent this kid

Let's let's take it from the top. Hello. I am miles part. Oh, and I Slap your balls up against your leg The fact that miles took the time to be like I need to teach people how to do this and set up a camera Probably on a tripod his parents aren't home. He's in the family's living. That's what I think Although that is a very bare wall. Maybe he's a college freshman or something. I don't know But the just that you you have the intuition to do something like this very proud of you I agree and it is a skill set because I don't think I've ever seen a man do that. Can you slap your balls against your legs? I Don't know. I mean I've had it happen. Yeah, but not on purpose. It was just why I'm so excited to watch the next clip

Oh, he's gonna teach us When I show people this first they think oh, what are you doing cracking your hip? Are you cracking your knee or something? That's what I thought and when I tell them what I'm actually doing They go Not here sounds like you're showing chicks, you know set of cool dudes So what you want to do is after you're wearing comfortable clothing So that your your balls get some, you know moving space, you know, yeah, yeah, okay If you notice what I'm doing is I'm moving my leg a weird way

Hmm To do what I'm doing is you'll want to stand straight and what you do is you move you it's like you're But when you get halfway and your um your legs are parallel you kind of swing out kind of like this Brilliant this kid's a genius. Yeah, I mean this is I mean now that he matched this he's he's Taking it upon himself to be able to teach others. Yeah, and that's really I mean I think of civil rights leaders when I think of a man like that I mean a man like just like not just being like oh, I feel this way show other people preach Well, like Jesus you can teach a man to fish or you can throw the fish in his lap or whatever. Yeah, make him smell it

That's what I think of point is that I think of teaching us how to fish. I think of Jesus Christ. I think of Yeah Winston Churchill I think of The great leaders right up there, dude You know who could really kill this is Oh, yeah Yeah, maybe we should have him try this. I don't think he would I don't even think it would take him A few seconds. I know like this and then he would just be he'd probably play a song. Yeah You know, I mean, do you like earth wind and fire?

trying to just fucking start cranking out tracks zapplin Yeah, that's the next song slapping your ball. Yeah, there should be I'm really hoping there's some listeners out there some music production people are taking those slaps to heart Yeah, thinking of a song and then I also hope that the people that work here who appreciate their job plan on recording themselves Making the same video by next week. All right, so I agree moving on forget about wops. What about slapping your nuts? I want to see some ball slaps from this staff. I agree who can do it the best I'll tell you he'll be really committed to it the most. I feel like we'll see a hundred takes before Chris doesn't do this

I see I see quitters I'm looking at a couple quitters here like I tried and then I see Chris being like, you know what I stayed up all night And I have a nice ball slap video for you boss That's what I think. Yeah, I'd like to see that too. Yeah I do feel like you have to be long and lean like he is you can have a lot of fine meat there Yeah, he's got a he's a long and lean kid. I guess I won't be making one. Yeah, so So check this out. I didn't realize I cannot believe we missed this I it was pointed out to me it came in in hundreds of emails and comments

Yeah, remember the man getting carried out of the store by his son Yeah, he farted when his son picked him up. You're kidding. Yeah Hey, mommy's the man being carried out of the store by his son clearly farted when his son picked him up Review the tape. It's very audible. It's cool though. Even the pros miss the details sometimes and forget to follow proto When reviewing the material feathering at Colin, I can't believe nobody here pointed it out But yeah, it is for you guys. I mean, that's your job, too. Yes. This member this guy producing the show Like you're a dork now watch this Oh

It's a fix about it. Yeah, clear his day. There's a squeeze and a fart Yeah Wow He farted, you know, leave it to the mommy's to leave no fart Explored. Yeah. Well, I'm sure there's a lot of ear buds in and headphones and people were like, are they not gonna talk about that fart? And nothing is worse than not acknowledging a fart when it happens It was me too and like such a disaster. It's like it. It's it's so ridiculous. I actually felt so guilty From not

Acknowledging that fart sure so that we decided to make up for it a hundred percent. Well, should we tell the origin story now? I'm saying I'm just telling the origin right now, you know, or you mean like that origin story Yeah, how how this whole thing well, yeah, we went to dinner a few nights ago socially distanced You had to wear a mask you had to sit outside outdoors you had to show your Christian. It was like a cool place They're like make the sign of the cross. I was like, yeah Yeah, like do you believe in Jesus Christ? He's your Lord sir. Yes. Is this a conspiracy the pandemic is a conspiracy. Yes

They're like, will you set this Muslim guy on fire? I Pour gasoline on by the way, I have a promo idea. I want you to do this Here's the promo idea. I Want in the dove. I've even told you this to sit in a bathtub. Okay, just hear me out Sits in a bathtub. You don't have to be naked It probably makes more sense if you are but you don't have to be You're laying in a bathtub. Okay. I'm following so far. He's in the bathtub naked

We fill up the bathtub with gasoline. Okay, so you're sitting in the in gas All right, I'm walking around the bathtub smoking a cigar Blowing my smoke up in the air Okay, and then we there we have a voiceover guy talking about how the last live show got canceled blah blah blah blah blah then As we go like well, guess what? Your mom's house live is back. I walk away

I flick the cigar in the air. It goes It flips over like that It lands in the tub huge explosion, but Fire and rescues right there and they put it out like immediately. Yeah crazy. I love this idea And that's just how they do it in the movies. Tom Cruise probably did this stunt a million times It's perfectly safe. We're gonna have a stunt coordinator Yeah, and they'll have fire and rescue

Right there. Let's put it out in a second Why not what's where they do it in the movies is with vfx So yeah, we'll have that too. That'll happen too. No, I don't think we need to go practical with this promo I don't think we I don't think it actually needs to be gasoline like this. This sounds like a fun concept Yeah, I just don't think it needs to actually be gasoline. Why not? It'll be a crazy explosion because we could just use water with you know with some dye in it and then do the explosion There's much safer ways to do it. We don't even need a fire department official there But the audience will notice the difference. That's what I'm saying. We want it to be real

And I also want him to get lightheaded, you know, because when you huff gas and stuff Remember like that guy from last week like that would be kind of cool to see him dazed like And like to see you being like holy shit. I'm sitting in gasoline And this cigar is definitely gonna light this shit like the fear like you can't you're not an actor no offense But you're not trained so we might have to have real gasoline. So the fear reads. I'm big on this I am too. I love this idea. Tom. Wow. You're so smart, babe. Thank you. I'm so glad you're my baby daddy All right, so here's the here's anyways. That's just aside. We'll talk about it later You don't have to do it, but you know your hands on tom. I love you. It would suck if you didn't do it so

So we go out to dinner in our socially distanced place. We we had a lot of meats to be we did to be real Kill some non-believers. We eat our meats. Yeah We um, we have you know, I had 2020 I had rhubarb soda I thought it was so fucking good homie and rhubarb and rhubarb That's a thing rhubarb is rhubarb. It was like naturally made rhubarb soda with strawberries in it. It was amazing Really really really good. I had tequila. I've been into tequila lately. So we um, we leave And we kind of take our time leaving And when I'm driving home, I was like I got a shit

It's not an emergency shit, but like where the train has left the station. You know what I mean? Like where your body's going I mean you could drive home right now, but when you get home, you're definitely going to take a shit Like if that's the signal, but here's the deal is that you're so unique in your system because for me There's only two switches. I have to shit and I have to shit now or I just don't have to shit But you've got various shades of gray. It's kind of like america's Warning system for like terror threats. You know, there's a color scale I think it's like White green orange red like it's like that

Like for the listener, I don't know if the mommies know the story But I discovered that he and I have different speeds of shit early on early on We were just dating and we were driving around santa barba looking at just neighborhood houses We had stayed at a nice hotel and we went to it like let's see santa barba Yeah, we just picked a random neighborhood and like these amazing look at these amazing houses in this beautiful neighborhood And then you're like, I gotta I got it. I got a shit and uh, and then you go, okay Yeah, la la la la and then we keep and I was like, well, let's go up and look at these houses And you're like, but I have to shit and I go right so after we look at the houses

We'll go find a toilet and you take a shit And you're like, I got a shit now And I was like, okay, so how about in 30 minutes? But see and you thought that was normal that you wait 30 minutes now to me when I feel the tug I have to heed the tug otherwise the moment passes and I cannot shit now Here's I have a lot of different warning systems inside and so one of them one of them is a Real like all systems go code three

Bring everyone and that is that's fun one. That's like you're like, you know that if you open your asshole Everything will fall out like water and shit and like blood different organs People you ate. How do you know it's going to be that I could just feel it. I can feel it. I can just There's just I don't know how to tell you I have little fingers in my butt and they tell me things, you know So what about when you did a tennis the other day? Oh my god. That's a separate story. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry I don't mean to cross this that one is hilarious. Please don't forget to let me tell you this Okay, so so for this one we're driving. We're driving I start I was like, I'm I go and I I know that I can fart. I just know it

I know that I can fart and not shit myself. So What happens is I just know it and I start doing it. I'm like, oh man, this is bad. I just know that it's building so then Pulling up to a stoplight I'm driving and I fart five times in a row which is amazing and they're like beefy meaty farts and And I'm like, there's something serious back here, you know, so I go And then I roll the window down And there's people that are at the corner and I go, hey

And they learn I go I farted five times And they were like What? And you loved it. I loved it because I remember remember back when we lived in silver lake You used to fart in a car and you would roll the windows up and it would be very smelly And then I'd roll the windows down and go, oh my husband farted. Yeah, that was great. Tell people tell people But now the game has evolved and I think what's happening is that now you're so proud of your work That you have to let the world know and you can do this too. So what you want to do is

You go to like a stoplight or something and you see people there Don't pick someone who you feel is threatening. I don't want you to get hurt But you just you just want to kind of call someone's attention You just say, hey, guess what and they'll turn and be like I farted You know, just do it like that like this You know what that lady did she went like this If she nodded like she acknowledged it, you know Yeah

Hey, guess what? I farted No, we didn't get that one too fast. Yeah, too fast. Yeah, but you get the you get the picture it Take that off of this. Okay Uh, but it's fun to let people know but you need to get away. The point is that you got to get away Yeah, right after you yell it. Yeah, because the fun part is just saying it right The ideally what you want to do is you want to stay you want to say it when you're still like the first time I did it you're stopped But you're about to go so you basically tell them they hear you and then you leave you don't want to really do it

In passing like that. Yeah, that wasn't a great guess what on the way. But yeah, yeah, but you know, you get the idea You want someone to acknowledge you, you know, yeah Yeah, you need credit for your farts Gene when's the last time you got rewarded for brushing your teeth? Oh Never until now with quips new smart electric toothbrush good habits can earn you great perks Like free products gift cards and more You've probably heard us talk about quip a million times

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Right now get 20 off in free shipping at manscape dot com slash mom That's 20 off with free shipping at manscape dot com slash mom from the moose to the caboose always use the right tools for the job Uh, so wait, so tell the tennis brown. Oh my god So i've been playing tennis Good bit lately. Yeah, you can tell by my rafa hat. But anyways, I I'm playing the other day And I just I'm I you know, I know something's wrong. I actually don't know what's inside I just feel off I feel off and we're playing and

And I tell him I tell my teacher. I go. I think I think I go he goes You're right and I go not really. I don't know what's up, but I think I got to go to the bathroom So he goes, okay So I go, hold on. Do you tell do you just tell him I got to go to the bathroom? Are you let him know I have to take his shit? No, I said I got to go to the bathroom. Okay. Yeah So I just go up and there's like a little You know clubhouse, right like So I walk in there and there's a girl

Working there who's like a teenager And she's wearing a mask and I have my mask and I go I just try to like like walk around And I'm like she goes. Hey, are you tom sagura? And I was like, mm-hmm She goes, I'm a huge fan. I was like, cool I'm just gonna go to the bathroom. She goes. Oh, it's locked. I have to unlock it for it. I'm like, oh my god And I go, all right So she's like, so you're playing tennis now and she's like taking her time

And then now I know that I have to go to the bathroom like I know I have to show And I'm like, yeah, I'm just trying to take lessons. She says, that's great man. I go, yep And so I kind of just I I'm like trying to like be nice But yeah, I know I have to go I shut the door and when I sit down That's when all my senses Are on high alert and I go, oh I have a disaster shit Right before I flush as I go and it is

Catastrophic it is a level five like it's It's a disaster and it's so Smells so sick. It smells like a sick like you're ill. You know what I mean? Like like rotten I know I know all I know all your so I flush and then I clean up it's a disaster I flush again I watch my hands as I walk out

She's sitting five feet away. So I shut the door quickly behind me and I'm like She goes, how far are you playing now? I was like, I I don't know not that much don't I try to like draw her away from the bottom like she's gonna smell this And she's like, oh, you need to uh Sign up for another lesson. I was like, yeah, I'll call you guys. I'll text you or something. I'll call you It's the worst and that's how I met her. I met her with like Oh, I'm a big fan. I'm like cool. I gotta take a rotten shit right now And you know, she's gonna tell that story to everybody like oh, I met tom shigura and then he took a rancid dump

But then here's the cool thing if the person they meet are like our big fan of mine. They'll be like that's pretty cool He's he's kind of known for that. He takes big shits Yeah That's pretty cool guy Oh, oh man, you got to meet him in like in his element Were you in a bathroom with him? No That's true. It would be like a real mark of a true fan. Yeah, you know, I got to know him on his diarrhea bit

That's pretty cool Yeah You know, it's been really cool for me is that you've been romancing me like ed asner. Thank you. You've been Saying stuff to me in his voice. I've been a little obsessed with it a lot I watched it last night after I put our little one down. Are you kidding? I watched the whole video again Yeah, that you've been saying it to me like, okay, christina. Yeah, show me that you like me. Yeah Well, it's normal size. Show me that you like me You got that beautiful mouth

Yeah, how big a load i'm gonna swallow. Oh, yeah, I love it. Let's see all that jump He's so explicit. I said the other day we were making sweet marital love and I said, let me see all that jump Yeah, and then I told you You know, I told you to do it. Okay, you come He did we work at we were about to make sweet marital love and then you go show me that you like me You kept saying come on. Show me that you like me. Yeah. I'm like, oh, tell me that you like me Uh It was so gross

See and he gets it And his expression is my favorite. That's what I live for Don't be stingy But yeah, he was saying that tom was saying that to me like don't be stingy. Yeah doing all the And then you called me a rotten dog The other day like in the kitchen I was like babe, are we gonna because you know, we we we just finally made marital loves like a lot of people since Your operations and then

You know, we were just flirting in the kitchen and then you're like get get out of here you rotten dog and I'm like Oh my god, this is like this is what it's like to be with somebody for 15 years They start calling you a rotten dog. Well, I thought it was flirty Flirty. Yeah, I was trying to say like you're you're a nasty whore Right, so I was like, why don't you go upstairs you rotten dog, you know, because uh, you know, I thought that was a playful I want you to clean up you dirty dog. Get out of here like that, you know. Yeah. Yeah You guys feel hot. You got your waps on yet from that. Does that make you

Hot and steamy down there pretend pretend you're my lady. Okay. All right And we just did it Hey, get out of here you stinky rotten dog Like that That is what you do. Yeah You like it you like it you dirty dog I mean, is this what happens when you're with somebody you would never have called me a rotten dog What happens or what happened? It's over it happened

Yeah, you need to get your shots and your flea meds Dirty dog Eat out of the bowl That's a funny one. That's a that's a genre where um, that's my favorite porn genre where they have a lady Who's like cleaning? Yeah, something stuck beneath the bed and she gets she gets stuck beneath it She's like, I can't get out from under the bed and then a guy just comes up and fucks her Oh, I've not seen that that sounds neat. It's pretty great Like that an adult person would be like I'm stuck under the bed

I can't get out and the guy's like, oh really? Let me fuck you out. Let me fuck you while you're stuck. That's cool Oh, shit. So Hitler let's talk about Good porn. Um, we got an email from sarah A subject line hitler's meth I heard y'all talking about naming meth hitler's meth and it brought me back to my childhood My parents dealt meth in the 90s. Oh dear before you can sell meth You have to cut it because the pure stuff will make people insane Before adding the cut they called it the hitler which just means pure and uncut meth. So you all are right on that

Wow Hey, thanks sarah. Thanks sarah. Love to hear some more stories from you sarah Just so you know our email inbox is open for you The hit was cut. I didn't know that uncut is a real problem. I guess That's funny that that hitler's meth was a real uh funny thing for people. Yeah somebody uh I mean our instacart delivery guy as he gave me the groceries He goes oh, I was just listening to you and then he goes hitler's meth. Yeah, and I was like have a good day These are my kids

So are you disguising yourself as somebody and emailing in because somebody emailed in with a very Kind of you point of view. Okay. This one's from tristan. Okay rotten dog. Okay tristan. It says Hey, please stop playing old people moaning especially old men coming A lot of us listen to this at work and have to turn down the podcast Because you insist on playing old men coming As funny as it is three times in one show question mark. Sorry Sorry tristan

Well, Tommy I will say I've got I've read some emails that people are getting talking to by their bosses and Yeah, so you don't want to play this show in your cubicle. Oh, I can feel it. Yeah. Yeah Also, if you have any other um Old guys coming send that in too because I think this is a great lane for us to be going down It is and also it's very unique. No other podcasts are doing this I mean, I've listened to rogan like you guys have I've listened to pod save america and and dax shepherd They never play old guys coming

Well, and it's a marginalized group that needs representation. Of course black lives matter gay lives matter old coming people matter too What about the old guys they don't get their day. They're not allowed to come. This is agist. We're not an agist show Uh, I got another one here from glenn criticizing my english. Are you ready? Oh boy? It says I hate to be the one that breaks the news I tried to I tried waiting to see if someone else would write in about it or someone would catch on But with the utmost respect, I have to say you're not quoting. Oh, sorry. This is a different one I I misplaced that other one. Uh, let me pull this up so like we can explain If uh, should I chastise you the way um a horrible spouse would yeah, but this is a different

This is a different email. So this is saying you're misquoting rpc. Oh All right. I guess it says you've given him a misquoted catchphrase when you say get off He is actually saying oh again. Oh Because he came twice If you listen to the clip he has already come and is winding down And then at that point he says oh again. Oh, which kind of sounds like get off I hate to be that guy, but take another listen. I'm sure you will hear it and understand my need to speak up Thanks guys. Keep up the great work. You're lighting my work days forever feathering at glenn. Oh dear to be clear every

A lot of people have Insisted that he's saying get off. Yeah glenn here is saying oh again. Oh Okay Oh, wow, I mean this is a whole home here now. You understand I hear it now. I hear again Oh I mean it it would be like he's cutting off the own word like he's not clearly saying again But he sounds like he's going oh like you could be Like he's going oh again. Oh, yeah, almost saying again, but he's you know, I say I hear stammering through it

But you can also still make the case for his get off, you know, but you know what? Rpc's the only one that knows we may have to Talk to him. Yeah Wow, I mean RPC is going to be talking speaking with us shortly Are you teasing something? Mr Robert Paul champagne. What are you saying here? Oh, okay I love that we'll play that for him and he'll be like

It's fine That's what's gonna come a second time. I was like, oh Oh That makes sense. Now I hear you hear it too. Any yeah, I'm surprised you didn't this is the one I I wanted to pull up some surprise you didn't critique me about this. Sure. Sure. This person claims That I am Not talking good here. You don't talk good. Yeah. Oh, okay. So this is um This is what they're saying they're saying tom

Let me to be a buzzkill tom has been fucking up his english grammar in a confident and embarrassing way for years now Oh, wow, I even recall him incorrectly correcting someone on this on multiple occasions I was watching your most recent special with my partner at one point. You say the phrase I feel badly Saying I feel badly is the same as saying that food looks deliciously Or you look beautifully you are using an adverb Where an adjective is actually appropriate Fuck me dead tom. Please stop saying I feel badly Google that shit and sort it out piss on me beat me

But use your fucking words correctly. You goddamn amazing dumb ass Tolly you do you do do not do you? All right, let's see what it says here on the google machines Can you make that larger? I can't read my mom. I okay Feel bad is the grammatically correct version when describing that you don't feel well physically or emotionally Like all other sense verbs can double as an action verb or linking verb where it connects the subject With a clause describing the subject something can look delicious, but not look deliciously And we feel sad and and not feel sadly feel badly is likely hurt often

Due to the adverb real use of bad and examples like it hurts badly I feel so badly about correcting their grammar Or wait, I feel so bad about correcting their grammar. Which one is it? feel is a verb it shouldn't So shouldn't what comes after it and look like an adverb the answer is no Like or look feel is a linking verb that means that I feel bad is correct just like I feel sad That looks delicious. You know what I think it came from for me is that somebody said I think it was that I one time said I

Do it quick And somebody was like you don't say I do think something quick you should say I do it do it quickly quickly Okay, and so maybe that led to me But now I know that I should say so you should never You never feel badly about anything you always feel bad. Well, what I think maybe if you say I feel badly about something Right, so hold on Is it does it ever say you can need it badly, right? Yes, you need it badly

Oh, yeah, because they they assume it's a similarity to okay And uh, it's not I mean, it's just like there's so much written here. Yeah, probably not entertaining to listen to Let's just and then I'm afraid of the goofy grammar. Well, I just let the grammar police do their job All right, I'm gonna start saying I feel bad You know what someone wrote into me saying that I I speak like a hongo and then I Instead of saying ing I say the cuss sound so something Or yeah, say it again. Okay. Instead of saying something They say I I say something

Something that I say I put a k instead of an ing I don't think I've ever picked up on that something I'm sure. I mean I talked like a retard too. I don't know. I'm all over the map Yep, all right, we need to talk about the r-word All right, um Man, we're just running along on this episode. I know Oh, this is important. Sure. You remember I was very very into this Uh, this man's video it really I think opened my eyes probably opened a lot of the viewers and listeners eyes To what's going on in denver now in previous videos

This is actually the figure of a naked woman and the crotch is formed by a bird form This sign on the penguins cage Constitutes a phallic symbol and in fact represents the male genitalia Yes, those of us who have been washed in the blood of the lamb Understand that phallic worship is satanic and evil. So there's more which is I'm real happy about this. Um, this is Really cool. I haven't yet I didn't dive into this video, but when I saw that it existed. I was like just put it in the folder Now we can actually do our dive. This is just a brief commentary on a new flag

Created for the obama campaign now up here on the left. We have the Official logo of the obama campaign and that's a big O which of course stands for him and below that there are several stripes Which indicate the homosexual movement in other words the rainbow flag And below obama's logo, we have two stripes in three stripes Which look much more like streaks of blood now Some people don't like this kind of perversion of the american flag because it is very satanic Okay, and of course as my regular subscribers know the two stripes over three Represent the antichrist

Is the number point six six six Oh, wow, this guy's got real logic very much if the designers of this flag really knew what they were doing I don't think they wanted a satanic flag with satanic imagery, but maybe they consider that Perfect for the obama campaign This is awesome Please do your do your due diligence do your homework here and Get us more of this guy. This guy's the best. He makes all kinds of sense. That's what i'm saying He has a really weird accent, right? I think he sounds canadian to me. He says flag

And then he Wow, how did he get pheasants to walk behind him during this which is really are those pheasants? It's on his farm. This is amazing. It's on his antichrist farm Well, who says flag what part of the word is flag? That's somewhere in the states though. That's an american That's like a some midwestern accent like a minnesota thing or something But I will say that that's not you know, it's it's all green screened behind him. He put those birds behind him Yes, and that it's wild. I don't understand Why he chose that as well as the flag. Well, maybe you don't understand symbolism and satanism dummy

You're not a christian. You wouldn't understand these things. I'm a i'm a fucking jew Yeah, and I also doesn't have like lesions on his hands and neck. It's very yeah from doing the work of fighting fucking satan You think fighting satan doesn't come with scars This guy's so awesome I would bet you anything that he runs for government in some capacity. He could know he's like a city councilman Yeah, and like he might give this what would be awesome The only way that this video could be more awesome is if he was actually doing it at a public Like a city council here where they're like, you know

We're thinking about putting a statue and a fountain in the park and he goes I want to talk about the obama flag that has been seen all over town encouraging satanists and they're like i'm sorry what? And he just goes on he's like two over three six six six pretty laid out and they're like All right, sir Right like that's someone's fucking neighbor. I know like fed smoker used to go to those local government meetings It is kind of a dial down Uh fed smoker. Yeah, you know fed smokers over the top. So you're this is actually like crazier perspective But in a different package. Well, he's not manic right. So the packaging is different. He's crazy as fuck

But it's like yeah, it's like ed asner saying this kind of shit to you Where you're like, oh it kind of makes sense when he says it like he has a logic this guy approached you you'd be like Oh, this is just like a nice little guy. What's up, man? He's the demonic horses And then obviously two stripes over three stripes divided by two is the number five Satanist campaign run in your town. I'd be like, I don't know maybe he's in iowa. Oh, yeah, there you go. Yeah But obviously that's an oh and then the three stripes represents what homosexuality I love that. I love hidden symbols because you can actually say it about anything, you know Like you could be like you see

The ymh thing here and obviously the yellow throughout symbolizes how the jews and the banking system Are intertwined pentagons pentacles everywhere squares rectangles the shapes of the demon Well, I mean if that's what you want to you know, it's just what they mean. So I can't I can't tell you what to do Let me tell you what the symbols mean Okay He's so sincere and he's so dialed in. Yeah, how do you Um, there's a cool guy who has a you know, sometimes the cool guys get real mad at people wearing masks

And then sometimes there's a spin on it, you know, here's a spin on it This short message is for all you guys to keep whining about why you can't wear a mask It's too hot. I can't breathe. It's uncomfortable Well, you know, when you say things like that, you just announce to the world that you've never had a woman sit on your face You know what I mean? No, it makes perfect sense. I kind of dig them You don't like that Yeah Speaking of you burped into your mask the other day after we had I believe was it korean food?

Man and there is nothing worse than a gnarly gnarly. Have you been burping into your mask? You wear your mask out and then you just you forget that it's on and then you're like And then you're like, oh my god, like it's like it's like puking into your own nose. It's like it's so horrible Oh, it's disgusting. I know especially like after I eat something Like chips and salsa and then I put on that mask. I was like It's not like my dogs. Oh god. I know it really is. It's like a fart mask It's like if you ever see those videos where someone like has a fart tube on like a finish mat And then like and the guys like I just want to smell it. It's like you're doing it to yourself

I know it's so vile. Oh, it's so disgusting and that makes someone's dick hard too There's some there's people out there who are like, I would love nothing more than if you would just burp into my face I know I know you're so we're so fucked. I know This is this is one of my favorite things Okay Look at this guy Here's a song That comes the dog checking on him

I love I love everything about it. I love the setting that is like an old picture of him holding a guitar I love that he fell and the dog came over and growled And then like the sweet brit com wife comes over Yeah, oh, it's fantastic. This is us in like 20 years, right 20 fucking five That's us next fall It feels like we're aging in dog years Well, I like how uh, it's all happens in slow motion too

Like you ever have one of those falls that you know is happening as it's happening to you It's so embarrassing. Yeah, but you can't stop it. You're in it. You just really surrender thing is you just you just really hope There's not a camera But like why would he post this? Maybe maybe he had a sense of humor a minute later. I don't know. Maybe the dog posted it Yeah, um, what's the last one I wanted to show you before we break here. It's a great house What a sweet little house. It looks like too. Yeah Although it is rather narcissistic to have a old portrait of you on your piano. Would you do that? Did you just fart?

No, I just got excited about this. Oh Here's the thing a lot of times I just know I haven't seen the clip But I just know yeah, I can tell by the way things are labeled That is gonna be fun. Okay, so check this out. Okay You're doing first technique out but has to go through the app. Are you talking about torque? No, I'm not. I'm actually Let me talk. Let me bring this gentleman out. He doesn't need to be over here You're telling me I can't buy that for what reason now?

Because I'm not doing a cash transaction I'm not I'm not taking cash out. Herbside service like everyone else is doing. It has to do it from the bottom I don't do the app. I pay cash cash money. Do you understand that little girl? Oh Wait, so he's allowed to say and then someone says oh, are you is that what they said? And then he's like watch your mouth. I love that. Yeah I can say whatever I want to you say even a hint of something back to me. You watch your fucking mouth Right there

And I'm telling you I cannot wear the mask. I medically exempt. Do you understand that? You're what Is he he's just in a bait like he's in swim trunks and no top Okay, so what did you say? Your husband, let me have a good look at you Dude strong fed vibes What do you say I'm gonna have some fun with this one. Is that what he said? He's out of his mind Holy shit. He's gonna kill us. What did you say?

I Your husband, let me have a good look at you. Oh god Oh, wow Now see I told you it's gonna be a killer. What's in the fanny pack another thing He is doing the old school Wasteline hide vibe where you hide your your hushy you hide your waist Yes, and you put it up over your like you see in the 1940s We're like men never worked out so they just pull their pants up over their gut

Yes Well, my stepdad used to do this move. He was a fat indian guy and he had a huge belly like a hard buda belly And he'd halfway up. Don't do don't do do what I do. You let it hang. Okay You earned it. You're not fooling anybody. You don't get to hide it He's got real crazy eyes. He's got crazy beach vibes. So there's like there's crazy and then there's beach dog crazy We know this breed well for living in los angeles Crazy beach dudes are fucking insane. Yeah, these guys will survive a pandemic. Oh, yeah, nothing can kill this guy You should have you been to san amonica now the only people left are crazy cockroach people like him

That's right. It's all fucking hollowed out. These guys just live in the sun. No sunblock ever They fucking sleep in sand with crabs crawling on it. They fucking smoke math and cigarette Yeah, I mean you can sharks you could give him a fucking handle of of whiskey and he'd be like, I'm fine What do you world speedy? Like he could drink that for breakfast. They're cockroach people. Definitely. Oh, this is about to get cool Check it out Are you filming me? I absolutely am Oh Oh, and then it cuts off

Guys, what are you doing to us because she goes I actually am then she was like this guy's about to kill me She turns it off He probably was like give me that footage and she was like, uh-uh Holy shit. Where is do you know where this is? This looks like la it has strong la vibes I would guess like beach city vibes. Mm-hmm. It really does. This bro is like santa monica vibes. Yeah Damn, yeah, he's got a real crazy beach guy. This dude's a lunatic. All right We have to take a quick break. We'll be back soon with a wonderful guest Bye gene

All right, we're back and so is our guest revisiting us for the second time. He's an absolutely hilarious comedian and actor You know him from all the shows and all the movies ever made and he's also a great hiker And a friendly man and he's here for us right now. Welcome back Kevin Neal and everybody. Wow Thank you very much everybody and it's an honor to revisit. I call it revive in the business Show me that you like me. Yes. Yep. And um, it's my first revive. I believe is it your first? Yeah, it's your first revive. You were at the old studio. This is the first time here

I said bye. Bye to the old studio and then a revive the new studio revive is going well It's going so well. We have so many memories already. We already have tons of memories. Yeah. Yeah Um, I think you'd be doing this you'd be sitting in a studio in the miss mack dab in the middle of valley in Los Angeles No Doing a thing called the podcast dude in first of all, I think back sometimes to So we we're coming up on later Next month next month will be 10 years of this podcast of the podcast and I remember when it started being like

Like I don't really want To do this it's not really my thing and to think that like now we think of it as Our our top priority like even when we've booked TV film stuff we go. Okay, but we have to be able to schedule the podcast stuff You know, I mean, can I tell you I had the best memory? I did this tbs show a while back Remember and I never forget the producer She goes well, you're gonna have to live here You're gonna have to stay here for like three weeks in this hotel and I go I can't do that

I have to do my podcast and she goes wait a minute. You need to tell me you're gonna pass up doing A television show for a podcast and at the time I was like, yeah, bitch because my podcast more people give a shit about Yeah, yeah, it's so important and it's true and it's more fun. Definitely. I've held off for so long I'm doing a podcast. I do the hiking show, but that's a web series kind of but that's kind of that's kind of this a similar thing Though it's similar, but it's not where you sit in a room and you talk and you talk shit. Yeah It's it's more of a visual kind of um, you know, but whatever but Now I'm close to doing a podcast. Yes, and um, you should yeah, you should I but I held off so long because everybody was doing one, but it was like everything else

It's like stand up. Yeah, everybody's doing it But if you're good, you'll rise to the top right and people will find you like they will find and they will like your sexy arms Because I feel like you're showing those off, but you will have to finally give in To the illusion that you've been like kind of perpetuating for years that you're tall I stood next to you you're six inches shorter than me. How did you fool so many people you think? Well, I think it's a perception thing. Yeah, you know I was just telling somebody they're talking about david zooker one of the zooker brothers You know what they did all those like the bachelor movies and airplane and yeah

I love airplane and I auditioned for the bachelor party at tom hanks movie a long time ago And a friend or somebody I knew was cleaning out their old offices at paramount Yeah, and they're I'm thinking the drawers and they found a casting sheet For the bachelor party with my name on it and the only comment in the comment box was tall tall You and in and in this bit you learn this I mean you always hear the rumors about it before you work in any type of Hollywood thing But then when you come here and if you book jobs and you meet people you're like Well, is everybody like as tall as it as a fifth grader like everyone is so short

It's so small that like you really become an anomaly. You know and when you meet a tall actress They climb on to you. They love you. Yeah. Yeah, they want to work. Are you available to work at all? I mean, you're gonna be you're an actor, right? Yeah, okay I had a tall actress tell me that she had to Tell wardrobe. I told you the story. Yes She told wardrobe because the wardrobe lady before we shot this thing was like, you know Doing the fitting and this shirt and this jacket and then got the the actress who's like six feet tall She got her heels and the actress was like, um, I can't wear these in this movie

And the lady was like why she goes because I won't be in the shot I'll be out of the eye line Like I'm six feet and all these other actors are shorter than me So she had to tell the and the word I was like, ah, she was like, I didn't think about that. She's like, yeah I'm a giant next to all these people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah See, I don't think about it that much for me because you know, I'm in my body the whole time and and I don't think of You know, I don't have the Complex that short people have. Yes, you know where I don't think oh, I'm freaking if I was an inch taller

I'd feel freakishly tall because I'll I'm I'm a high range of five eight to six four depending on the film But now I'm about six four. But when I see somebody really super tall, yeah, I'll say to my wife. Is am I that tall? I hope not and I'll stand next to them and they'll be taller and I'll go I do the exact same thing with morbidly obese people I do I swear to you I'm always like everybody who's overweight. It's always like god if I can hate myself And then like I'll see like a really and I'll be like am I that fat? And depending on how she feels that day

She'll be like no or she'll be like you're fatter than that guy I don't say that But I do do that where I find like a woman who's got enormous tits that are really hanging and she's really old and shitty I'll be like, babe, babe. Is that what I look like? Because you know, you know, you think you look a certain way like I took passport photos yesterday or day before and I was like, holy shit Yeah, bad I know. I know. Yeah, no one looks bad lighting and lighting the worst is when you were

Looking at your cell phone And you hit the camera and it's automatically a selfie. Yeah, you look at yourself in bed and you're like, oh that old fat guy Oh, it's terrible The worst and then you see because everyone's now on tv Doing zooms and Skype calls for everything for news shows And then there's people who have their laptop under them For the television show and you're like, dude, get some books. Yeah, lift this shit up a little bit angles, bro Angles all about angles. Yeah, all angles and Gucci sunglasses. I don't know if you are into Gucci

Did you want to try first of all hand it to them? But be careful. Don't break these. Okay. Oh, what are they 35? Well, yeah, because you don't know anything about fashion. Those are $3,500. Are you serious? They're Gucci Because they're Gucci. They're brand. Yeah, let's see Oh my god Oh my god, you look So italian so fashion forward. These are my ski goggles. I mean full coverage. Yeah in Milan. I mean Let's see. Okay, hold on Oh, wow. Oh my god. You gotta wear this for your hiking show

Do me a favor. Yeah, if you audition for anything coming up Show up like this. Really? Are you guys, are these your sponsors? Well, Gucci, I wish That is this that's you just oh my gentle gentle gentle. Thank you. Jesus Jesus, I really feel Feel responsible with those. It's too much pressure. I know it's a lot. I could wear my sunglasses under those Yes, that's the point. Yeah Then you look extra cool. You look cool on top of cool. Yeah Isn't it funny the way fashion just change like you look at the 50s and the way they dress and the 60s and

I mean who creates these when are we going to go back to because my father always brings up that when he was a kid To fly People wore a coat and tie. Yeah. He was like, yes, put on a coat and tie and a Vegas show Even like a guy that works in a warehouse. Yeah, he's like he's like, oh i'm going on a plane That's because they thought they're gonna die and that's what they were in the coffin Right Because when you're going like on your you could possibly die. Yeah, you want to look good. That's a good point Well, my parents when they board though, right? When you board and you see people boarding and you're like

You're just like eyeballing people walking down. Oh, yeah, you're like, okay. So just to be clear We're doing like the oh the loose neck tank top So you got your arm chests are hanging out arm pits shorts flip flops or And you have a and you have a more egregious the slipper the house slippers and then you went as far as to grab A hefty bag to put your stuff. This is really cool on or or someone brings their bed pillow. Yeah Yeah, you're disgusting bed pillow. I saw a girl. Why is it with you? I think I saw a girl wearing Yeah across in the street and she's wearing her home slippers

But like walking across the street. Yeah, it's not saying I you know I really can't get on board with this because i'm kind of guilty of that with the pandemic I almost wore my pajamas here today. That's my slippers. Yeah, but you're kevin kneeling. Yeah, that's true That's definitely you know think about these vegas performers back in the 70s when everybody showed up in a tuxedo to the show Oh my god Jack and a tie and now they come out and they see guys with flip-flops and shorts in the front row and yeah It's just a two drink a minimum. There's no waiters, you know, you can't tip any fancy Matri D or anything. No, I know you're right and like the the thing is like as a performer

There's always kind of this it's a kind of old school thing to be the best dressed Person in the room like they're all watching you but these days it just takes like a fucking polo Like you put on a collared shirt and you're like, oh shit. Yeah, you dressed up. You're like, no, I'm just I'm wearing clothes. What about a uniform though a uniform really fools people Because when you see if the doctor came into the emergency room wearing, you know The shorts and flip-flops and like uh, you know, my mom's house t-shirt. Yeah, you're gonna get is this the doctor? Are you sure he's qualified? But if he came in with a white coat on or you know the shrubs You're right uniform just same with a pilot

You know with a white shirt with the Because I I flew private with a friend of mine and his pilots were just wearing regular clothes. I thought are these guys qualified? That is so crap Pilot outfit on you know, that is so I'll tell you when I gave birth to our second son Our regular pediatrician couldn't make it and and the doctor showed up wearing flip-flops and jeans And like a button-down Hawaiian shirt and I go this is the doctor Wow, and I said get the fuck out of here send this guy here I go send him back to hawaii send him back. Yeah, I go this guy doesn't have the sense to dress like a doctor

I'm not gonna let him I remember this. Is that true? Yes. I remember this because um Unreversed Andrew. Yeah, he was like I'm doing the rounds and I was like, I mean are you making sure people cleaned up and stuff? What do you do? Are you buying the rounds? He's like, no, I'm doctor. I'm like, no, that's so funny because you see somebody dress a certain way And you're just like there's no way that's your job if you're if you this is how you look Because I feel like I've met doctors off-duty, you know on vacation or you know at a restaurant or something And a lot of times you're like, oh, I see that like just the way to carry themselves or something

You know, you're usually skinny long and lean. Yeah, I had a I did have a neighbor when I was a kid who was Really overweight and of all Like things in the medical field. He was a cardiologist. Oh, wow. I was like, so you tell people to fucking right ease back on the extra food Clean up those arteries this guy was like 300 pounds I was like I went for a physical last year and I call my doctor like five days four days later for my blood results Because I like to follow up on that. Yeah, you know, yeah, like you're like, hey, you know, you're supposed to call me Yeah, yeah And he's in his car going through the drive through at mcdonald's and he's in the middle of ordering our coffee

And he goes five sugars, please for the coffee five sugars I thought hi, it's it's kevin kneelen. Did you get my blood results back yet? Uh, but it's crazy. Here's the thing cap. Yeah, you uh What you been eating man, you're looking good, you know, I you know, you're sodium is really high, but I ain't I got that too Yeah, I'll be so much candy. Do you think I already anytime I hang out with doctors if they come to my shows? Um, they're I usually there's a lot that smoke our nurses smoke. Yeah, man Go walk through cedars when he was having his procedure done. I would see That's insane. That's insane. Here's a pet peeve. My wife has yeah when you're getting surgery and you call it a procedure

It's a way of softening it. She doesn't like that. I like that. I see I said i'm going to call it a procedure Yeah, I said i'm going on. I'm going for my procedure next week. I can't do that thing. She goes first of all It's not a procedure. Yeah, are they cutting you? Yes. Yeah, that's surgery surgery Wow I wonder what the distinction is in the medical world I think a procedure is could be anything like a nose job. It could be a kidnapping Yeah Because you're proceeding you're going to proceed to do it. It's a whole thing. It is softening

Diminishing the severity. It is but we love to diminish severity in this. Okay ready this. Is there a difference? Surgery is always used from a medical perspective While there are some operations carried in different fields from a medical perspective surgery Refers to a procedure that involves an incision on the body. So surgery refers to a procedure Okay Of a cutting. Yeah procedure is a procedure. I don't know. I don't try. I'm with her. I like it. I like surgery You know you talk about guys coming into their street clothes to deliver a baby Um when jeff daniels hosted at saturday night live

They're doing a life mask of him In the makeup room because he had to play um j leno with big fake chin So they put the plaster all over your face. They call I think a death mask And they cover everything except for your nostrils. So you can't hear you can't see your hands are under the plastic I did it once for j leno 2 and I passed out in the chair And they gave me smelling salts and I did it again But I developed claustrophobia from it for a long time So when this happened to jeff daniels like a year later, I you know, I empathize with them

And the head writer came up and he says did you hear what happened to jeff daniels? It's friday night They're doing the show the next day. I don't know what happened. He goes Somebody sabotage the mixture the cement mixture Of the the death mask and they can't get it off his face shut up And he had a five o'clock growth, you know beard And they couldn't pull it away from his eyebrows because it grabbed onto everything and all that was open was his nostrils I'm feeling faint now. I'm just talking about this And they tried to pull it back and pull water down and they put straws in his nose

But that only caused a nose bleed and so he had red blood all over this, you know pristine white mask And They couldn't get it off of them and if he threw up he would have drowned in his own vomit because they couldn't get it off What they ended up doing they'd have to take a crowbar and smash his teeth open. Oh, you're messing with me How else they're gonna get it off what they do is their solution like so lord michael's the producer Knew a couple of plastic surgeons. It was a friday night. They were at a party Called them to come to the studio

From the party and to help get this guy out of the mask So they came with exacto knives They pulled the mask back a little bit enough to get the exacto knife down there and cut his eyebrows off each one And they got that part off And then they got down to the eyelashes and they had to gingerly cut each eyelash off And they pulled it all the way down below his nose And now it's all the five o'clock beard. So it's all stuck They had to give him shots of novocaine as they gently pulled it away

In you know centimeter by centimeter until it's all off and then he comes up the next day His face is all blotchy red. No eyebrows. No eyelash. She goes. Did you hear what happened to me? You know what happened Holy shit, but his wife heard about it. I heard and she was in the hotel and she had to run into the bathroom to throw up She was so nauseated by the whole I let's be honest here That is the worst story that if that happens to so many other people There's no show Saturday, right? Like there's like Jeff Daniels That was a rare thing

But i'm saying like he's the person That The horrible thing he can like his attitude i'm saying. Yeah was able to like hey, you know, yeah, we'll go on Yeah, but there's a lot of people that would have been like. Oh, they would have been a wreck Wait, did they figure out who had sabotaged the formula? Well, the theory is and I don't know if it's true But there was someone in the makeup department that was fired and as a grudge she mixed the things together She had said it was an actor That is the most horrible story i've ever heard thank you for sharing that

Didn't get a sketch in that week That is nuts. Could you imagine them gingerly cutting your eyelashes away from the thing hammered You know plastered half in the bag Because I've uh, I've done those plaster casts of like my body or my face it is really it's terrible But you can feel the seal when they go when they go in to take it off And you're like, okay, i'm terrified. Oh, it heats up it heats up and it that thing can actually kill you That could kill you. It could smother you. Yeah, because you don't have any sensation because you're hearing in your mouth and your eyes

And and I tell you I developed claustrophobia from that I would too I couldn't go through the tunnels in new york to get out of new york Well, holy shit I had to like have a headphone on and headset and if a plane got stuck on the tarmac I would you know, I would be terrified, you know, I never thought of myself as being claustrophobic And then later like in my 30s started to get like panicky in certain situations in closed spaces Uh small elevators. I bet you're a good sweater. Do you see what I swear? You'd be a great panicker. Oh man, and then I just uh, it had been years since I had an MRI

And I had an MRI recently what happened and well, I just Even as we're getting in there I go Because my dad had an MRI Uh a few months ago and he had told me he's he's openly like claustrophobic. He says it he came out He came out as claustrophobic. Wow came out and he he's fully transitioned came out of the closet. Yes. Good. That's good for claustrophobic Get out of that soon to the better. He was a man So um and my mom went and she goes oh they gave him Uh

Xanax to chill him out and I was like oh really and I was so in my mind I go That's part of like part of the offer the routine of doing this So I show up And I'm I'm starting to get a little jittery about it and I was like, all right So we're about to like they're go, okay, you know Put all your belongings in here and then we'll go to the room and I go Hey, so can I get something to you know for the kind of the anxiety of it?

They're like like what and I was like like a xanax or something and they're like like what you gave my father You know what I'm talking about and they go Uh, did somebody drive you here? And I was like no and they're like we can't give you anything I was like, okay, so is this over now and they're like, I mean do you still want to do it? So what I did was I I told them I go I feel like I might freak out Um, so I had the the noise cancelling headphones on yeah, and I closed my eyes and I told him Put something over my eyes and just I'm going to

Not like try to not acknowledge where I am. That's smart You know, so I just talked to myself basically and just tried to zone out and almost fell asleep This is before the procedure. This was actually to look at my surgery Kevin Oh, just to look at it. So my my shoulders started like really bugging me So I ended up having that MRI and I do have a a torn labrum But the that's in the vagina, isn't it? It's in my well. I have one in my labia and in my shoulder Okay, my labia my labia hangs out. It's very loose. Yeah. Yeah. So, um No, the the funny thing is I have a torn labrum and I go oh and he goes if you were like 21

I would say you should have surgery and I go but he goes, but you're not so you don't need it You don't have much longer to live And he's like, yeah, you don't need it and then I do have an inflamed, um, ac joint as it called here So he was like we could give you a shot, you know, a cortisol to kind of make that go down but But I love that the MRI revealed that I do have a torn, you know, labrum and they're like But you don't have to do anything about it. I was like, oh, so I am feeling something wrong Is that is wrong? Is that part of the rotator cuff? I think it's where the the ball goes in the socket there I thought that was a car part when you said rotator cuff

I didn't even think yeah, what's up on the googles Um, how about image? Where's the image? There we go There it is see there's the big ball right there. Oh, yeah. Yeah That's terrible. Let me show you my big ball. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I mean, I thought you were about to give us a good stuff No, this is it man. This is it. This is what's going on with my I had my uh, my ball in soccer replaced in one of my balls and um, it's I mean, they just they just took the whole thing out and they put this doorknob in

Oh my god What Oh, wow Oh, can you go through that that black thing is what was put that put that in? Yeah What is that at all was what your bone before just worn down. It was worn down. I fried it arthritic So it's bone on bone for a long time. I couldn't get a shirt off of the, you know, the closet shelf And so um, look at that. Look what's in his shoulder now They cut the bone out and they have special pieces made custom made and templates

This guy was really getting into showing me how he does it like he was training me to do the next surgery Yeah, and I'm not really good with blood and stuff and he wants to show me pictures on a cell phone of his One of the surgeries and he starts to show me. I thought he was gonna show me family pictures or something. I think Oh, oh, okay. I can't see that, you know, yeah, that's like me showing him, you know pictures of hecklers Yeah, he's not used to that. Yeah I'm a little disappointed this photo of your shoulder only got 1800 likes Um, that's kind of a fucking new shoulder guys. Can you give him some props? That's every single part. That's a great like just turnover ratio. Yeah, that is great. Yeah, dude. That is that there it is right there

Yeah, damn. Yeah, that's a big one man. There's my belly And is that Kirk Fox in one of those photos there? No. Oh, I love that. Oh, yeah. Yeah You're paintings are amazing. Yeah, I like to paint Yeah, Kirk's great. He's great. There's my Tilda Swinton right there. Yes. She's great. She's such great. There's my doorknob It's like a top Is that joe koi too? Do I see joe joe? No, no, that's him. I can't tell there's a chris rock chris rock. Yeah Did you draw that? Yeah. Yeah, he does. That's really good. Kevin. Thanks. You drew that. Yeah. I'm I'm I've been painting

During the COVID thing All those all the artwork up there is my stuff there. It's amazing Dude, that's incredible. Thanks, man. It's I I do a lot of stuff Tom, but nothing really good That's really good. I'm a pretty good artist. Pretty good comic. You know, I'm a pretty good pilot Just can't get off the ground. I don't want it to go into play. I like your hat. Did you show that to chris? It's good. Uh, no, no, I mean I might have tagged him Oh, so he might have seen it but I haven't heard from him. Was he a good castmate? Yeah, he was good. Yeah. Yeah, he was he was kind of like he came in the second wave with like farley and

Sandler and spade and those guys So they were kind of, you know, there was like an age difference there They were like that, you know, the younger newer guys and they were off in another wing And I go over and visit them and they'd be like it'd be like visiting your kids on the door Like this pizza boxes on the floor and everything and you know playboy magazines everywhere and rock I remember had an office off of theirs But his was like really organized, you know, he had like Malcolm X posters on the wall And uh, Martin Luther King books everywhere, you know, yeah, so he had his stuff together

But those guys were just like talking about their triumphs the night before and who they Bedded and you know, they're animals. Well, they're they're totally animals, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah That was like that your that cast with you and all them that was the You know, that was my dude. I was there for so long. I was there for nine years So I saw it was like a prison not not a prison, you know stint But it was like seeing inmates coming and going right, you know And I saw everyone from people you only remember being on the show like, you know, sarah silverman ben stiller They were on the cat in the cast. Yeah. Yeah, but sarah got fired up in the first season. Yeah, and there's a lot more

Yeah, and stiller I remember the story with him was that like He came he showed up He right did a little bit and then he opted to go do his own show I think so, which I think is a real fucking ballsy move For a young performer. Oh, yeah. Yeah to get snl and be like, I think I'm gonna do my own thing Well, there's people that wanted to be on that show and break free right away and become a huge star Yeah, and it's very frustrating when they didn't because it's an ensemble show, right and um Plus the stress of the show too. I think, you know, put people in a position where

They they they really wanted something to happen quickly or they would feel like they're failing Yeah, and I didn't have that, you know, because I was never a sketch player to begin with I was a stand-up and it just happened to get on the show And uh, so I was just happy that I was in fired each week, you know, I think oh really you want to go another week? Okay Okay, and um, and then after nine years I think I was just tired of it because I was going out and I was doing sketches with other people Like with food in my mouth still from the craft service day. Well, you know, I'm doing my scene and pick on my mouth You know, I'm doing a scene with tom hanks or something

Maybe I'm ready to move on to something else Well, that's the thing is that when you get to hear about people's experiences on that show is the First of all, it's like six days a week, right? You're working 12 hour days six days a week So it's physically grueling and then all the mind games and all the the bullshit stuff that happens I mean, are your adrenals just shot from having been on that show for nine years It does burn you out. I realized early on that it wasn't a sprint. It was a marathon So I didn't beat myself up if I didn't get a sketch on And I was only hired to be a feature player which means guaranteed seven shows out of 22 and a writer the first season

And then the second season I was offered the opportunity to become a regular cast member Or you could just keep your writing credit and be a feature And of course I took the regular cast member and continued to write but didn't get credit like everybody on there that you know Is a cast member and I'm glad I did it because you know, it was a great experience for me, but I you know, I was not Like a lot of those other people I was like happy to like be working with Steve Martin or you know Mick Jagger to watch them play and they sometimes they stay after and they play a little concert like they're a Clapton

Or whomever, you know, and I got to work with these dinosaurs that are no longer like Robert Mitchum and Charlton Heston, you know and Musicians that are no longer around like, um, who's the guy that's saying pretty woman? Roy Orberson. Yeah, Ray Orberson Um, I always imagine just the anxiety like I'll I'll hear about, you know new cast hireings or something Or I'll just talk to somebody like you and I'm like Man, I I try to picture how

Anxious and nervous I would feel Like that first week on the job. I'm like, hey, we're all in the room now. Oh my god. Did you have diarrhea? Oh, yeah Yeah, I mean, I remember doing my first sketch. It was a mr. Subliminal was a character. I did and um, it was kind of complicated because there's like two conversations going on at once right and We're five seconds away from coming out of the commercial break And this is my first sketch and I'm in studio eight age And lauren michael is the producer comes up and he puts his hand on my shoulder and he says are you sure this is what you want? Oh my god

And uh And what do you mean by that like this life? He was being he was being funny. Yeah. Yeah at the last minute like that You know, there's no backing out now or if you use what you want But you know, I always saw like nobody was watching the show You know, you do things to psych yourself out. Yeah, like what you did before your procedure. Yeah Uh, and I just I just assumed that nobody was watching the show anymore because it almost got cancelled the year before And they hired a whole pretty much a whole new cast So I thought okay, nobody's watching the show the only people in here are the people that are seeing here

The 300 people I've played to bigger rooms than this. Yeah, and then there's cameras and there's no film in those cameras Yeah, let's just do let's pretend everybody. Yeah And so that's how I got through it. What I always imagined was the most Uh stressful and I may have even told you this before but I you know how there's a thing where like we're sitting around pitching jokes You know If you're with friends there's a certain way But like if you're with like there's a thing where you could pitch jokes and like just really throw out a dud

And you can you know If you if you feel like being snarky you can look at the person next to you or just be like, oh, you know You can react so I always because I've never seen it or anything imagine The intensity of that pitch room of like everyone in there and be like hey, what are you working on and you're like So I got this thing and like how you can probably bomb so hard. Oh my god. Yeah, right like epic bombs Well, here let me set up the scenario for you every monday afternoon You meet in lauren's office on the 17th floor at 30 rock With the host for that coming week

And he sits in the big leather chair in front of lauren's Desk lauren sits across from him with a bowl of popcorn and in a water And everyone else the entire cast squeezes into the office. There's plenty of other rooms that are much bigger But we're doing it in there. There's not enough seats for everybody. They got standing against the wall, you know And they still do it like this. I think so. Yeah, probably and um and lauren goes, you know after we do learn our hellos to the host and uh They say, well, you know, we've got a uh, you know, we have some ideas for you are john malkovich and we um

Phil why don't you start? What do you have? Well, I have this idea where you know and everybody pitches their idea and it took me a while but I finally learned Um that you don't pitch an idea that you're really excited about because if nobody laughs It takes all the wind out of your sails and you don't do it and it could be a really good sketch So I would pitch the same Phony sketch idea every week It was a runaway truck stop. You ever seen those things to gravel Down a downhill for trucks that lose their brakes. They go down that path and the gravel slays them down

You pitched it every week every week. Wouldn't they call you out? Wouldn't he be like come on with this? No, they kind of got it. They kind of got it. They thought yeah, he doesn't want to give up the good stuff And the host always kind of liked that idea But none of them ever asked me, you know at the end of the week. Hey, whatever happened to the truck stop idea No, yeah So it would be like a bar at the end of that truck ramp So if the thing is like you say that on Monday to just kind of buy you and then when do you reveal your actual? Well, you reveal the actual thing if you're writing alone

You reveal it when they read your script on wednesday and the table read Okay, and when there's a big stack of scripts that takes like four or five hours to get through Oh my god, and you don't know where your script is in that pack, you know, okay, and so Uh, that's how it's done Holy shit. So so hold on so you could pitch in the room and let's say lauren loves the idea. Everyone loves is that like a green light? Hey, you're doing that on saturday I mean, there's good There's some good things about pitching something that people like because then they'll say why don't you team up with

The head writer because they want to get it done and they'll kind of keep an eye on it And see it through because it's very difficult to get a sketch on that show Because there's only I think maybe 10 slots for sketches. Maybe I don't even remember Oh, you guys pitch like a hundred things. Yeah, and you go in heavy on the dress rehearsal I think there's two or three extra sketches so they're going to cut After the dress rehearsal and you find that out when you go into lauren's eighth floor office Right before you know in between the two shows and you look on the board You don't see yours on the index cards and you realize you just got cut

But um, you know, it's it's a process. It's a procedure a procedure a procedure and um So I find that the best advice I can give a newcomer on there is to always include the host in your sketch And if you can lauren michaels Oh, then for sure it's gonna go because he wants to do it. Oh, that's funny. I include him. Yeah Because how often would he appear? I feel like every once in a while every once in a while like a haul sketch or something Nothing like as a character thing, but more is playing himself and he's into that I think occasionally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean he likes he likes show business. I don't let him. Yeah. Yeah That's such a pitching is always tricky in the writer's room

Um for a minute. I worked on chelsea lately and I just you have to learn It's an art form of learning like who's gonna like what you're saying How's she gonna react? How who's gonna green light? What who sensibility matches and finding an ally? It's so political. I remember I wrote for ellen once for the oscars And tell us is she a bitch or not? I didn't really talk to her at all in the writing process And what was that noise is there wind coming through? And she you know and I was pitching I wrote some really strong jokes, but we're like two months out

You know and I was excited to be writing. I was writing these great jokes and like you know really gold stuff I send it in I think okay They should be happy with that and they were happy with it and then a couple weeks goes by Let's get a little stale another joke comes in they'll take that joke So I learned that if I ever do that again I would throw in some you know truck runaway truck stop jokes in the beginning The red herrings wait about a week beforehand a couple days beforehand and then send in the big ones because people get excited About something and then in show business the men at the excitement dwindles. They it's like out of sight. Yeah, it's in the tired

It's an old joke after a while right by the way. You are a fantastic joke writer like I was telling tommy the last time you and I did spades show together Yeah, you had you had me laughing via her and I didn't even fucking tell the joke. I'm sure I completely I don't even I can't even do it now. What are you talking about the article? We were referencing was somebody donating money You said I don't know money anonymously and by the way I call myself anonymously when I donate I always I don't put my name down because I don't need that attention You know, it's not really I'm not after that. I just want to help

So I just always write anonymous, you know, I sign that so whenever you see the name anonymous on a charity list That's me I mean That's brilliant. It's so brilliant and like it makes me hate what I'm doing so much because then you're like Oh, I'm not that clever like that was that was like two or three layers of a joke, man Do you know what's interesting too is I you know, I have this special coming up. I'm doing live stream For um rush tix.com rush tix.com. You're being serious. I thought you were telling a joke. No, what is it? It's a real thing September 12. Awesome. Yep, and it's um, it's gonna be live stream and brad paisley is going to be my opener

Jesus, right? Yeah, and he's gonna be my house band And um, what saturday seven o'clock september 12 Pacific standard time. Wow There it is. It's up on that board there. Yep. Yep. It's called kevin kneeling behind the mask Because it's also pandemic related but also even before the pandemic Everybody kind of wore a mask, you know, everybody wears a mask. They're not really telling the real feelings about things. Yep. So, um So during the pandemic another thing I've been doing besides drawing and things like that is I've been Doing something I've put off for a long time. It's been really difficult for me to do and that's to watch other comic specials Yeah, you know because you see them all the time in the clubs and you know, it's a lot of levels

You don't want to be influenced. You've heard everything, you know, you know the tricks and all that and But I've been watching some really good ones and you know, people are really talented Tom including Tom's You know, I told you a couple months ago. I watched yours and how good it was. Thank you But I was just watching because I haven't done a special in like seven years I've done two for showtime and it's been a while But I wanted to like see what's out there and watch every aspect of the production how they're shooting it Yes, who directed it the lighting the venue I notice chappelle always has like a little catwalk because he likes people around them, you know

And and then material wise too, like I've just been watching bill burr for you know, and I'm thinking I'm so unlike these people, you know, I'm not a venter. You know, I don't have social commentary Yeah, mine's more of a silly kind of observational thing, you know, which is a great thing though. It's good It's good But you know, it's not the kind of comedy that people you don't go down in history as a legend You know like a chappelle, right or something like that where you're really making statements or rock Not true. No, I I actually think it's I will give you examples. I love I love phyllis diller

I love she was just joke joke joke joke fun light keep it You don't know where she leaned politically. You don't she didn't have a big statement Don wreckles. I think one of the funniest people you don't know where the fuck he stood on anything It was a different era than two. I think, you know, it was less political back then I do think that I like to look I mean I like to look at comedy like going to The movies in that when you go on a typical non-pandemic year and new movies come out on friday Yeah, and you go to the movies on a friday and what do you see? There's a drama A comedy an action movie a thriller. There's something for families, right?

So what it is is like it's a variety of choices for a variety of people and stand up is I like to think of it the same way Where you know, there's new specials out and it's like what it will do you like an angry ranter type? You know, do you like do you like somebody who keeps it loose and fun? Do you want clean? Do you want like super x-ray? Like it's all it's the same kind of thing We're all there's there's room for all of us and there should be a variety of it, you know There should be you're right. You're right and there is room for everybody And I know that and I've even watched specials where chappelle would do the belly room as a special There'd be maybe 150 people in there and then I watched jack jack whitehall

With you know, it's more of a silly kind of stand up fill up wimbledon. Yeah, you know with thousands of people crazy crazy So it's you know, and then that's the thing is that any style of it can be wildly successful What's the one that the young guy who just did the Not tommy john again. I always think it's tommy john again. He's the young kid. Tommy's great though, too He's fantastic. You know, he did radio city music hall. Oh john john melaney john melaney And there's a guy too like he's not offending anybody. He's not out there saying crazy stuff and he's a huge Yeah, he's a huge act and he's a great comedian. There's so many great comics out there So are you so many great comics? Yeah, but you think about that though, right the the going down in history thing

Yeah, I mean you think you know, I used to tell gary shanling I'd say, you know gary when I was younger I was gonna stand up I was very excited to be on the road because I think you know, I would think to myself I'm building a career one day. I'll be filling up Madison Square Garden. I'll be like steve martin I'll be you know, doing these huge venues But now it's kind of like Unlikely that that's gonna happen. He goes, you don't know that You have no absolutely no idea. It's totally possible still. Yeah, and it's true

But you know, when you don't stand up for a long time You um are continuously looking for ways to excite yourself Yes, and you're always looking at where you are in the in the scheme of things and other comics and What people are listening to and listening to like I started going back to the clubs like I don't know 15 years ago You know after weeds and stuff and and I started seeing all these new comics and this new Not a new style, but just a new kind of like attitude and you know delivery from comics And I thought this is really good. I you know, I don't really appreciate some of these comics

I don't get it. You know, I don't see you with a you know, they're just angry And then I started to watch more and more and I started getting it the way people kind of reacted to them And but then I started comparing my some of my jokes to that. I thought I'm just like old school Oh, I don't think so. I don't either. But at the time I did think that. Oh, I see. Yeah, but um But I mean I had my 13 year old son like dying last night That's gotta be good. You know, that's gotta be good. I mean because he's kind of got a good sense of humor and um We started watching this show called love on the spectrum. Um, oh, we've seen it all Yeah, it's great. I love it and none of them are upset when it doesn't happen

No, and the other thing is you know what the best part of that show is you realize as Most of us out there in the world like from a dating perspective You go on a date or somebody goes, what do you want out of this day? And you're like, I don't know like have fun I don't maybe hook up or I don't so and then if you talk to the person You what you're doing is like you're kind of dancing around things and and you want the person to like you. Yeah, and then People on the spectrum around the show They were so direct. Yeah, that it was so refreshing to hear somebody go. What do you want? Um, I'd really like to fall in love and spend time with somebody who's happy and I make them happy and you're

Holy shit. I don't think I've ever heard anybody say that, you know, or even there are likes and dislikes I think autistic ones are better than anyone's. Oh, they all like toys and video games I don't like hearing people chew loudly. You're like me too, bro Yeah, I like cats Eating kibble like I like those because those particulars are really what's what marriages are made of and and they always ask the same question I ask when I date somebody do you still live with your parents? Yeah But for me like I I'm always amazed at the end of the day where they shake hands or what or a light hug and they say

Well, I enjoyed this and I hope you know that maybe we can see each other again sometime And then if it doesn't work, they say I don't know I would be devastated I would never Hold like I would never handle it as responsibly and maturely as they did like when they were like I don't think this really worked out. I was like you fucking said that like I would have been like, yeah, I'll call you next week Totally Because I would I would get devastated if I went out with somebody for even like six months and they broke up with me I remember broke up with a girl after six months once and I would just kind of get out to Hollywood

And I was auditioning and stuff and I had McDonald's commercial to audition for for a big mac where I had to cry And she'd just broken up with me two days earlier. So I go there It was on La Brea In Hollywood and I go in there and it's like American Idol the judges sitting behind the table like four of them And I get up there. I do the script and where it comes to part to cry I was well and like a baby, you know tears coming down and they were looking at me like, oh my god that poor guy Oh And I got a call back like four or five weeks later. Now. I'm kind of over the girl

Yeah, you know So I had to bring her eight by ten with me and the phone message from the machine and played over and over And I got I went in there and I could not bring the tears again. So she screwed me twice Did you book it? No fuck god damn it. No, how's your shoulder? Are you okay? Yeah You're not in pain. No, no, I can't tell you what I really like about you. You guys have to forgive me for something I have to post this thing right now. It's part of a deal. I have so All right, well, I'll talk to you Okay, oh my god, it's true and it has to come up right now. They say are you putting in a are you making a book?

Are you betting on a game or something? It's dude. Listen to the spread. All right No, um So I wanted to ask you what you like about me. I like everything about you I do you know what I like about you. You are a fantastic joke writer You're one of those genuinely funny people like ton tells me what you guys talk about on your walk Not all of it. Hey, kev. Not all like everything like how you yeah, and um, I'm like, oh, that's such like the essence of a real Comic, I just I love it and I also love that you married a funny woman. I think that's fucking Oh, there's nothing like comedy. Well, I mean were you married to a regular person before I was married to a stunt woman

Uh-uh. Yeah, so she didn't appreciate my comedy and I didn't appreciate her falling off of the second floor window It scared me Yeah, that was a great thing about like when I went to drop her off after her first day It didn't have to stop the car. I just drove by her house. She rolled out So wait, how long have you been with? Um, well, um, Thursday, it'll be 15 years. We've been married. Oh my gosh We're 15 years together too 19 total. Well, that's great. So 15 is crystal. I was I was told This morning crystal and do you ever call her a rotten dog? No Does tom call you that? Yeah

He called me a rotten dog in the that's better than an f&b. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I was flirting We had made love. Yeah, and I was just like that was one of the names I was like a dirty pig You were such a slut today and she was like, hey, you know, why don't you get upstairs you rotten dog that you know Anyways, that's one of the perks of being married to a comic is that we are wildly Inappropriate with one of it. We're unoffendable truly the two of us. That stuff, by the way is excusable Um, when you're being aroused. Yeah, but after the climax you cannot say that. No You can't I'm gonna have to step out. Yeah, I'm really sorry. Wow. This is really coming down

I'll tell you about it in a moment, but I okay. Do you want us to continue without you? Are we finished? Jeez, okay. Okay. Well, have fun, Tom. Are you worried about Tom? Is something serious? I mean him leaving and this promotional thing. It's thoroughly disrespectful. He would be so mad at me if I did this He's got a sweatpants on. He's relaxed. He wore his good sweats for you. Do you do his laundry? Never and can I tell you something? No, never. You have a housekeeper. I have a housekeeper And even before we had one I refused to because I did it for another An ex-boyfriend and then I became then you become mommy. So I set the precedents very early I don't do your fucking laundry. Does your wife do yours? No, we have a housekeeper smart

Now, but but do you guys she doesn't even want to do my laundry the housekeeper doesn't want to Do you what what comedian things do you have like are you guys Unoffendable or are there boundaries with you too? There are boundaries Like she doesn't like to be the butt of a joke. Yeah, you know and I've learned that early Meaning you can't talk about her on stage Um, she's um, she's in some cases. She is yeah, she's cool with it But uh, and then some places where I'm kind of putting her down Oh, it's not cool in the act. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know, what's interesting is um, when I do stand up

If I even kind of do that with Tom the audience does not like it really they do not they they I mean I love him clearly, but they don't even want to hear me complain Like if he is messy or you know, he doesn't hear children crying in the night like my husband Just doesn't hear he doesn't hear he's crying. It's amazing. He doesn't hear anybody crying for help doesn't I've been crying for help for the last half hour. He just sat there and texting on his phone. Oh just the texting Yeah Uh, so do you get angry when he takes it takes out his phone a lot? Oh my god Because my wife doesn't like that I get so mad at him and then he gets mad at me for getting mad at him about it

For me, it's like sneaking a drag from a cigarette when I get on my phone. I have to go around the corner to get out You know check my you know, instagram and then put it away real quick real quick And now does she check her phone in front of you? Um, not that often. In fact, that's one of my pet peeves. She's not on her phone enough Like I'll try to get a hold of her. I can't reach her Does it and it throws me into a rage when I dial Tom and he doesn't pick up I take it for very because he's always on the phone. Yeah, like you bet you know, you're there Like who doesn't see the fire?

Are you listed as ice? I mean because in case of emergency Here's what I've learned by the way speaking of emergency contacts. Yeah When you go to a hospital and they ask you for an emergency contact You know somebody they can call I always tend to put somebody I just met down Because it's a real nuisance and a hassle to have to come and pick somebody up at the hospital Right. Why you know, why not give it to the uber driver to come and you know, pick me up. That's a really smart idea. Yeah, I like that That's what I do

So does your wife appreciate your sense of humor or is she so over you after 15 years? You know, it's funny. She does appreciate it and she loves it and But she doesn't always get jokes that I wish she would get Like like what what's the zinger she did? Oh, it could be anything It could be a joke that I you know, I'll I'll say a joke to her and she'll go, uh-huh And I'll say Really crush last night at the improv with that joke Right like I understand you want the acknowledgement and the recognition. Yeah, I got big laughs last night. Yeah, but you don't seem to get it

I guess Tom always tells me he goes When I tell he he'll run something by me and he's like if it upsets you or you don't like it I know it's going to be an ace Because I don't find him because to me it's just like one of his regular thoughts because he's so twisted It's not even a bit. I'm like that's that's too normal for you, bro Yeah, like there was a bit I did um when my wife gave birth You know I had a little bit on giving the birth and being there and she did not like this

We're at the doctor, you know I was I didn't want to be helping with the delivery because I'm not good with blood or placenta or things like that And the doctor was kind of giving me a play by play with what's going on You know and this and that and you know and now that you know the head's coming out You can see the top of the head. It looks like a gray stone with some, um, you know purplish like hair around it And uh, I I said, I don't know. I think that's always been there And she did not like that Rightfully so so I dropped that from the yeah, that's really funny. I like that. Yeah

But people will say to you know, she'll have friends say well, you're really like, you know Patient with him to let him do jokes like that and then that kind of puts plants of seed in her head, you know Oh, she's like, oh, that's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because I think in the beginning tom and I That was a limit too at the beginning because the first time I saw him say something about me I was like, you fucking do that. Don't do that. That's the sanctity of our home And now I'm like, I don't care say whatever if he wants you on a set somewhere No, we met at the cat club on A sun strip club. Yeah, I used to be you didn't know that that I was a yeah cinnamon

cinnamon Did you imagine I'd be the worst I wasn't imagining for a minute. Yeah No, we the cat club used to be a music club owned by the guy and there's some guy in the stray cats And then it they had comedy nights on saturday and I met tom Upper sunset like passed to a we know where the lab factory and passed even Up there. Yeah the comedy store. Yeah, and he was like 23 and I was 26 years old when we met I know what's the age difference now? Is it still three years? Yeah, there it is old cat club

I don't think it's there anymore and uh, yeah, that logo looked kind of familiar. It was cool, man It was uh, yeah I met a girl once from the Kit Kat club. Oh, which was a strip club I Used to bartend at the improv Yeah, and every night I have to make a bank deposit after I closed up You know, I took all the money put it in a canvas bag that had a lock on it and I would drop it off and

I'm coming home one night. I dropped it off. It's like 2 30 in the morning and I'm coming up melrose toward paramount And there's this girl walking the middle of the street staggering and she's all kind of beat up and you know, Jesus and She's walking in front of my car to stop me And and nobody else is around. You know, it's like 2 30 in the morning And she's drunk and she comes alongside of my window and I roll my window down just a little bit She goes roll your window down. Roll your window down And I roll it down a little bit more. She goes they beat me up. They threw me out of the car

I said, oh no, I said can I bring you to the hospital? She goes, no bring me She comes around the other side and she gets I need a ride She gets in the car and she goes bring me to the kitkat club So she wants me to drop her off at this kitkat club And now she's gonna like fall out of the car all beat up and they're gonna think I did it Oh my god. Yeah, and I said, I can't bring you to the kitkat club and she goes. I have a gun I said, where is the kitkat club? So I drive her to the kitkat club. I guess it's on Santa Monica. I guess I know exactly where it was

I drive her and I go around the corner and I so nobody will see me and I open up I lean over and I open up her door and she just kind of rolls out Oh my god, and she gets up and walks in I take off And then the next morning I'm cleaning my car out was a dots and b2 10. Yeah, you know And I found a matchbook cover Uh from the kitkat club. I guess with her number on the back. Wow So we you know, we started talking Do you know that so we told them we met at the cat

Thomas back. Yeah, yeah, you met at the cat club. I met this girl the kick that club and he goes Oh, you were a stripper and I was like, yeah, you didn't know that. Yeah And for a minute he believed it. Oh, yeah, but I mean You should have seen it. She looked like a straight up hoe when I met her like she What was she doing? What were you doing? She was jerking this guy off outside. No, wait a minute. Is that true? Was it inside or outside? Yeah, it was outside. I met I saw her outside. She went she had on knee high boots Fishnet stockings. Oh, he loves smoking a cigarette 23 26 26 Yeah, and she was like and she had you know Blonde

I think she was pulled back and leather jacket and she was like, what's up, bitch? I was like, hey, you call him bitch Dube it. Yeah Lot of attitude I did have a bigger a bigger attitude back then and I he says fishness, but I had I had a knee length skirt on this So it's not like I was a hooker And and what were you doing for a living back then? Working the streets. I was working as a sales assistant at world link media I think like selling, you know helping someone sell media airtime for on the phone

No, uh, could there was computers then? Yeah, I was like it was a bullshit job Doing infomercial Tom was just struggling comic. Oh my god. Not a comic by night, but we weren't even full time We were still having day jobs. No. Yeah, I had I was working in post production Um at that point let's see when I met you I might have been I might have even not even had a job yet. I might have been interning still at coples entertainment And then I worked as a logger on all these reality shows like, um What was it like you look like a logger, but not that kind of log. I know yeah, he does extreme makeover

Oh, my big fat obnoxious boss. So you'd have to log every episode they made and who was on the tapes Well, actually they didn't send them It sent a person on a on a flight to bring to hold because the tapes were too valuable So they wouldn't ship so you have to transcribe everything. Yes. Oh my you must be a good type and there was I'm okay, but there was a there was a There was a team of us. I'm better There was a team of us faster that would type them and then I became the lead logger In which I got to nice That was the money ride the front of the log. I like oh my god because that also meant that I could um

Your lead logger You could just be like you guys need to get this done. Okay And and then walk away and be like you just don't type fast enough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah And then sometimes if like we were behind then my the post soup would be like God, you know, you know, I go I know I'm just trying he goes are you going to jump on and uh, You know, I guess help to get this done. I'd be like fuck. I like yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No And then I would just have to bring in a smarter person. What is your ideal job right now logging? I'd love to go back. You'd like to go back to logging. I mean, I really love what I do

I mean, this is it. You like what you're doing. I do. I mean, I have said I really do like features Would you like to be like a um a movie star and feature films? I like features I like it much more than television for a I like the idea of diving. I like diving into A part telling a story the movie and I love movie schedules Like I like that you commit to something really hard for five weeks. Yeah, and then it's over. Yeah. Yeah I know that like the job security of television is great. Like, you know, if you have a season you're working and stuff, but I prefer doing podcasts stand up and just jumping into something, you know, every once in a while That's what I like features more. I see you working as the grease monkey on the Fast and Furious movies

I would do that. Yeah, I would do that because you love cars. I do my speed cars. Yeah Yeah, I just had this McLaren for the weekend. You had McLaren McLaren 600 LT spider the new one It was what car are you looking forward to coming out coming out? Uh, what do you mean coming out? Well, you know, these car guys always know about the next big car that's coming out Oh, I thought you meant like he's gonna come out as Yeah, I had that for the weekend. That's what we had. Transgender would be a good name for a car. I love transgender Yeah, I had that for the weekend. We had a red one. It was so rad It was and she was like it's always funny when you're like, hey, this is good

I'm always like what I know. I don't usually like these fancy cars, but I really enjoyed riding. I do want to drive the new roma The gypsy. Do you know a car? I loved as a kid when we lived in europe and we drive around italy and stuff I'd see those little alfa romeos Oh, yeah, there's cars. I've seen a little more of uh, like infatuation like segment pop up with those recently I go to like these kind of car meet-ups and there's more alfa romeos now. Really? Yeah, I think they're getting like, you know coming back Yeah, and you know the new corvettes look kind of nice amazing amazing. I mean they went through an identity problem for a while They're like about a 20 year identity problem But then the new like the new c8. I think people if you're not if you just kind of glance at it, you'll think it's a Ferrari

Yeah, yeah, definitely definitely, but what about the new tesla? I love those not the new tesla not the model s but the sports the roaster Yeah, that thing supposedly they said that that is going to be zero to 60 and faster than a rocket 2.3 seconds or something Yeah, it'll rip your face off And they'll say they'll rip it off and then it'll shit on it and put it back on I'll be like wow I thought of the perfect job for me. I want to be a stand-up comic. I love being stand-up comedian But with transport beams like in star trek where they can be okay without the travel

That's called zoom I know but then I but then you can't interact with the audience. I would also love to shoot adult scenes when I'm not Like I think I'd be a good performer. I'm not like, you know, I mean, I'm not I'm pretty strong performer You're a strong performer. Let me tell you something Kevin. He's understated. He's thumbs a lot like me Yeah, kind of dry. He sneaks up on you sneaks up And he's he's erections are very powerful. Here's this what I'm saying So I walk into room, right? There's all these like porn pros and they're like, who are you? And then I'm like, you know, I'm kind of new in the biz

So I show up and they're like, yeah, you're not exactly in shape. Let's see what you got. You're like, that's your dick But then I'm like, yeah, but it's gonna stay hard all day Like yeah, even after we're done shooting and then they'll be like, you know what that is a commodity We can really use someone like you. Do you think you could do an adult scene? I mean, you think you can I Not right away. I'll need a little time. Yeah pressure. Um, I you know, I have um done sex scenes, you know, like on weeds One of them was a um auto erotica thing We thought I was gonna hang myself because I was lamenting about

What was going on in my life and you could see the rope hanging from the and then you find out I'm just Check it out I've never laughed harder, you know, she knows me so well I've never laughed harder than that movie with rest in peace Robin Williams, but with the son that father of the year or dad of the year that opening scene I laughed so because she was like, you're gonna watch this scene. I go watch because you got when he's like, I was about to come To his dad like a kid Because Robin Williams walks in on the son master world's greatest dad

Yeah That's really so wait, you did that. I don't know that I what was wait. Was that weird or no? You're like, no because I what about a sex scene. I always feel like I've done sex scenes with a mainstream Elizabeth Perkins would make it, you know, really? And do you wear a sock, you know, you wear a sock just over your peener But you don't have to wear like no, what about your beans? I don't mind was a kid sock. Yeah, but uh It's it's more of a it's more of a um pouch a pouch. Yeah. Yeah Is it like a g-string like it goes but that power like a pouch that pouch moves when you do right?

Yeah, it stays with you. He's tuck everything in there And then you pull the strings really tight. Did you get a boner? No Really? No, because are you turner of us? Um, you're trying to remember your lines and stuff like oh, that feels good, you know But did you ever see bucky larson? Yeah, I was in that movie. Wait a minute. Remind me of bucky larson David spade it's please bucky and bucky comes to la to be a porno star That's right, but he's got a really small penis But the secret is he's constantly ejaculating. He'll give them the money shot whenever they want it

Oh, right Yeah, the swordsman swordsman. Yeah, I played his roommate Um, but um, yeah, I don't think I could be a porn star. Maybe I could be background Yeah, what about stunt you think you just come in and finish this thing? Oh, they don't they don't ever show your face or anything Um No, because I really want the attention. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'd rather be the guy that can't finish it and they just show my face Frustrated and embarrassed So wait, you've had your mask on when you got here, I appreciate that you know, there's mask hysteria in every direction

Right. There's people that are like, uh, so I wanted to show you some footage. We have of the way people are, you know I'm a big believer in masks. This is the longest I've had it off. I wore a c-pat machine at night Which is a mask full flask. I go right from that to this one. Okay to this mask right here all day every day. Yeah, so I'm very Seldom touching air this something about the mask you're opposed to People are just confronting people, you know, okay seriously. Yeah Yeah Yeah, you're not listening it's like it's an actual law now Oh, he didn't like the way the guy talks. It's the first time you heard that right? It's the first time you've encountered somebody

There's a there's a lot of two of like, uh, shaming people now too, you know, I don't think that was shaming the guy I think he was just instructing him to you know, he should wear the mask But he's shaming them with I'm saying with the camera, right? Oh with the camera. Yeah cameras. Oh the other guy. Yeah, this guy Yeah, the camera you don't need the camera disrespecting me because you're in my space Of course there's you could actually like take her to court And you know for assault. Yep, and then the Husband's like Now the guy's instigating it a little bit. Yes. Yes. He's trying to provoke. Yeah. Yeah

He wants to get someone on camera, but you know, everyone's a little kind of freaked out, right? Then there's like then there's this angle this short message is for all you guys to keep whining about why you can't wear a mask It's too hot. I can't breathe. It's uncomfortable Well, you know when you say things like that you just announce to the world that you've never had a woman sit on your face Good to know Good to know It's uncomfortable. I can't breathe. I can't see I can't eat Then there's the uh

There's the angle of the guy who he knows That they're gonna have a problem with him In the store without a mask. Yeah, and that's why he goes in there. He goes in there to provoke. Yeah, like this guy He's in the doorway You're telling me I can't buy that for what reason now I'm not doing a cash transaction

I'm not I'm not taking cash out of her side service like everyone else is doing I don't do the app. I pay cash cash money. Do you understand that little girl? Oh Are you guys on drugs? No, I'm missing something No, I'm not By the way, he's that Little girl and like are you retarded? Yeah, and then when after he said are you on drugs the guy said are you sir? And he goes watch your mouth. So like he's allowed to say anything. Yeah, but if you reply to him

Yeah, it is something now people react to their their personal like the mask. I'm gonna wear a mask and Well, they're saying it is like a right. It's a rebellion for some people. It's the ladies Internalize muzzle one of god's creaking muzzle one of god's creations like people are taking it very personally I just had college and put my lips. I can't hide this Yeah, I mean science listen to science and go forth people are taking it like like a parent This is the this three steps it up. I mean you could tell it's about to get real. Yeah I'm not repeating it And I'm telling you I cannot wear the mask. I'm medically exempt. Do you understand that?

Yes, there he is Mr. Smarty pants. You don't know what you're talking about. It's mr. Smarty pants. You're what? Oh He entered Your husband Let me have a good look at you. Oh boy You said that he said I'm gonna have some fun with this one Now we've been this dude has real like for people

I feel like in other parts of the country. This is very crazy beach dude vibes. Yeah, I mean definitely Definitely, man. He's got his bike outside there right outside there He also has the move where he pulled the waistline over his belly. Yeah, you know, which is also kind of crazy He's going in going in. Yeah. Um, you know, he's definitely dabbled with meth. I don't know if he's on it right now He's getting something out of his fanny pack. It might be his shades. Yeah Or possibly some chapstick the shades though could be just like a real confidence booster for him You know when he's like when he's about to fuck somebody up. Yeah, and then he's just like, you know what you guys want to Fuck with me

Put these on top. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you got fuck with me. Are you guys want you want to talk some shit? Yeah, okay How about now? Yeah Your husband your husband is a pulmonologist. I'll fuck him up too Yeah, you know, he should say here Johnny Pemberton's did I stutter? Oh, did I stutter that would be terrifying right now? I have a medical exemption. Did I fucking stutter? Yeah Yeah, did I stutter and then it right before you know, because that my that is my exception that is my exception I stutter I do stutter And the mask you'll you'll you'll you'll you'll you'll never hear me if I you want to understand what i'm saying

Uh, that's crazy. Look at this guy right here. What happens to this guy? It's about that I absolutely am and then boom, you know that right it cut off Right the next thing must have been just so epic. He jumped on her. I'm sure he did something I like how he just noticed that he's filming her. I know she's filming her. She's been filming him for fucking two minutes He's been on drugs. Yeah, no. Yeah, but what do you think actually happened? I think the cops came I hope I'm sure that they could create an ending for this. Yeah cops came They took him away He does have a medical exemption. It turns out the exemptions in the fanny pack. It's in the fanny pack

he has false teeth That he cannot wear a mask with because they do not They do not go with the material that his teeth are made out of. Oh, wow Just by chance The dude's husband the pulmonologist brings him lunch Yeah, and he shows up and he goes he's here and then he hears about and he goes Yeah, you can't wear a mask with that and he's like, oh fuck Turns out he was right. He's totally right. Yeah. Yeah, and then everyone's like who the fuck are you and he goes

I'm a doctor too I'm a stuttering doctor. Yeah Wow That's a story man. I love it. That's pretty cool. Way to wrap it So one of our all-time legendary dudes on this show that we found a real cool guy Um is this guy I'm just going to show you who he is because we apparently we have Learned more about him. I know you're going to be real excited about you. You don't you don't know about this christy I don't he likes to surprise me. Yeah, he withholds clips until showtime. Okay, so here's the guy

Okay, I've been on here. I've been polite. I've been kind I've been honest and sincere Obviously First of all, this is the angle you were talking about that we were all very high on earlier Real close underneath. Yeah. So you're really looking your best, you know Well, also the being lit by the computers also The best like that's the best lighting ever is blue flexion in your yellow tint blue I mean, what titty would not want to be on this?

I'm not like one of these young men or these little boys They get their cells off and then oops, they don't care about their partner Okay, oops. Oops. They don't care about their partner partner partner partner. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'll make you come I believe this guy. I believe him. He's got me convinced He'll make you come Kevin boom once see the last person Uh, they came 10 or 15 times before he even went boom once. Do you think this guy's a doctor? This is very possible. He is watching rachel maddow. I think he's progressive. I think he's educated Oh, I'll make you come

So we've always known him as the I'll make you come guy. Yeah, and that's it. We knew we had this video Right, nothing else. I come in here today. There's a folder. Oh, it's called. I'll make you come guy And it has all these sub folders underneath it. I haven't even opened it So this is a really big deal. We sent them to you. These guys found it So so the listeners send in these videos and these guys go through it So now we get to see what the I'll make you come where did he post this? He posted this I think on his instagram So that people who also want to come can you post that kind of stuff on this? You can talk like this

Yeah, you can't post a photo of you coming but you can talk about it all you want. Yeah Well, I have never known anal on a woman not one time Have I gone anal on a woman? I don't know what it feels like. I don't care to know what it feels like Oh, not in the anal. Well, hold on. Is it gone anal or done? You know what I mean? There's one do you ever say I've gone I never go crazy on somebody Yeah, you can like going anal on somebody Yeah, I just got I got a lesson today that you're not supposed to I didn't know I'm not supposed to say I feel Badly about something. Yeah, I feel bad. I feel bad. Yeah. Yeah. I'm always confused about that one

But I think that's you go anal-y on somebody or you go anal. I'm not sure the correct I don't know either. I don't I don't I'm past tense. I've gone. I've never gone anal. I've went anal-y I think it's just done anal I've never gone anal on a woman. I don't know Do you think gone anal is that a picture of like christ behind them? That's what I was wondering too at the Santa hat. Now, you know what we're all about here. This is just picking apart cool videos I love it man. I was always taught that that would hurt a woman too much Thoughtful. Who taught you that?

Love or care about even if it's a one-night stand I'd go anal. He seems like a nice guy. He's a nice guy. Yeah, he's considering. I guess it must be Someone would like it, but I don't know it. It seemed if you if you want to go anal He'd been to Gower before you were the woman to go anal, you know a gay guy that is But don't you care about the woman? I thought you cared about the woman. Yeah. Well, he's still into Rachel Maddow You can see it in his glasses. He sounds like like her a little bit. No, he's watching her. Oh, you can see in the reflection Still watching Rachel. Rachel Maddow

I don't know It might be fine. I mean it might feel good. I don't know. I've never done it, but There's always tomorrow. There's always tapes on me. There's always tomorrow. Always tomorrow. That's a cool perspective. Yeah, smile Let you know um Also, he's progressive. Yeah, I'll make you come guy. Listen, you know Took the mustache off and the teeth and the teeth blacks and whites and whites and blacks and Asians and

Jews and Gentiles and all that maybe one day Everybody got a little bit of everything in them. They won't have as much hate in the world There you go. That's pretty sweet Sweet. Oh, that's very sweet. And he's got the fans rolling in his glasses. Yeah You want me No clan no people who think they're doing this is a POV video We're pretending we're sitting on him Hahaha

You're riding the out make you come down And I'm gonna say this message is really sweet. He doesn't want to hurt you with anal. No, he wishes There was just one race. Yeah, the human race. That's a good point. You know, we're all mixed together. Yeah, that would be great I'll be done a lot of thinking We keep mixing it up like we're doing maybe uh One day they won't be no more hate Well, I think it would be cool to put out this is such a sweet message

I would put my teeth in for this message. You know what I mean? So that So that you're like kind of looking your best with your best message. Yeah Right, you do you want to consider the the presentations sometimes this says Oh, this is a photo of him from a different angle because we've never seen him Other than from this angle. Okay. So this is my first time seeing what he might look like. Oh, from further back Here we go Hey, what? Not a bad-looking guy. I know. What? Not a bad-looking guy. He's got a partner with him That's uh, Lee Greenwood. Lee Greenwood

Proud to be an American Wow, I mean he just looks like a regular audience member in Jackson though. Yeah. Yeah He looks like he's just checked into the hotel in Milani. Uh, Milani. Is that an island in Hawaii? It could be president's wife He uh, he's got the phone holster. It's real dad move there like that. Yeah, same sunglasses on. Yeah, he likes the yellow Looks like he just made a whole bunch of people come. He's all happy. Looks like he just checked out of the hospital with that bracelet on Well, yeah, he's holding it together, man. He looks better than Lee. Yeah, you know, the whole thing is angles, man Angles angles

It really is Kevin. What did you have that joke about pornography? We were like, uh, before I watched it. I'm very interested. Yeah. Yeah, please tell it. Oh, that's so long. Oh, is it? It's so long So yeah, I could do it for you if you want me to this is one of my favorites. This is um If you're a member at no crash Yeah, I got a call from playboy magazine and they asked if I would review three adult DVDs and read up a blurb for their magazine and I felt kind of awkward doing it because it's not really what I do You know, but I you know, I do like writing so I thought yeah, send them along So they sent me these three adult dvds and here's what I thought of them

The first one was called wander whoops wall street and this is starring, um Jessica jameson very attractive felt myself interested right away and then I got more interested more interested interested Interested very interested and then suddenly no interest at all I The second video was called uh, bimbo rage and this is starring christian price You know what good story on this one. Uh, good production value You know interested, um right away then more interested interested then suddenly no interest at all

I left the dvd running and went into the kitchen and made myself a sandwich. I had a diet coke some potato chips um About 45 minutes later. I went back in the living room. The dvd was still running found myself interested again Interested more interested very interested and then suddenly no interest at all Okay, the last dvd. I'm afraid to say was called heavy into jeff. This is an all male film And I got to be honest with you. I was not looking forward to watching this one. I was very skeptical Very skeptical skeptical skeptical more skeptical extremely skeptical Someone interested someone interested more interested very interested then suddenly no interest at all

Got ashamed depressed suicidal despondent dejected rejected sad alone confused angry Someone interested someone interested more interested very interested then suddenly no interest at all Then I rolled over and went to bed That was That's the I mean that's fantastic. That's just great writing and you have the best delivery in the game It's all in the delivery. That's so I know I mean you you You with the angel is the best You when you go anal with you

I've gone anal before. Yeah. Yeah, you've gone anal. No, you you have the timing of a master I've watched you on stage. I mean when you're like a dryer species of comic like Tom and I You have to wait and take that risky weight The risky pause. Yeah, the pause and then follow it up With whatever you're gonna say and that just kills And you are one of the true masters. Oh, thanks, man. Oh, wow. It's very very nice. Tom's gonna be very happy that you said that No, it's true. All right just for a few days at least. Yeah, maybe a week and a half to Yeah

That's very nice of you to say. Thank you. Um I want to see a few talks before we go always a few more minutes or no, yeah Christina curates tiktoks. Are you on tiktok? No, don't join so I'd call china directly with information. Yeah Um, so there's there's a couple lanes of talks kevin. Yeah, um one is the one they want you to see It's people laughing dancing Pretty girls

No, they're on a boat. Hey y'all and they're you know doing a coordinated handshake or something Christina likes to find what she calls the dark talks These are talks that tiktok doesn't want you to see right. Yeah, and uh, we find them and then we show them to people How do you find them? Well, Christina Tricks the algorithm my algorithm to only like to generate Outlier comment. Oh, yeah stuff like that. Yeah, so I just basically ignore the good stuff And only like the horrifying shit and then my feed becomes pure and now it's a hundred percent

Maniacs and it's short but here it is It's gonna be on this screen here, okay, here's your first one So you want to see my hamburger? It's in a box in my closet This is the site that it came in and it was actually an interesting one A nascar race in 1996. So this dates the hamburger and it's set to 24 years old now No, it's making me hungry Look like they maybe could have fallen under your seat a month or so ago. Isn't that wild?

Hamburger itself The bread has never molded what the The meat has never I feel sick actually. I actually feel like I'm about to throw you could heat that up throw the microwave It's completely intact. I don't know why of all the chemicals they put in there. I hope so process. I want some McDonald's right now It's delicious. I'm not sure what would happen if it ate it though I feel Really nauseous. It was almost I almost could have gotten nauseated if they showed like pickles and dried up pickles or if it had been like if it had been like

Um You know, I mean like rotting. Yeah. Yeah, like there's larva in there and stuff and well the point is that it's not even real food So it can't decompose. We found a snake in her backyard the other day. This is so weird. Would you stop it? Stop? We found a rattlesnake in our yard. Yeah and the gardener killed it And I thought he took it away But the next day the snake is in our front yard decomposed Some animal dug it up at night. He buried it shallowly in a shallow grave and some animal dug it up And it was rotting and smelly

And I had to find a stick somewhere and put in a plastic bag and put in the garbage pail Did the animal eat it or tried it or I think he ate part of it Like the rattle was disconnected from it and the head was gone But there was like guts and stuff. That's so gnarly. I feel like it's wild to live Like we're so used to it but while I live in a city where coyotes are everywhere Oh, yeah, and they just would fuck anything up. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude when we lived in our old house Uh one morning on the driveway. I found a bunch of intestines just strewn about like miniature ones So I'm assuming you may be like a squirrel or something. It's been probably a rabbit. You're making me hungry for that burger now

Oh god, let me switch this I keep smelling my vagina and hope that it'll eventually smell better and it just doesn't Smells fucking disgusting She's right. She's so nasty To fix the teeth but not the vagina She's so happy about it. She is so nasty. She laughs at the end. I like that. My name is harvey I'm 65 years old I live in east meadow new york

And I'm a thumb sucker. Oh my god I think that thumb sucking fills a void Uh-huh. Yeah, delt thumb suckers are misunderstood Jesus You want to reach out you want to be friends? I just wish the forefinger wasn't up on the nose like that Right have some dignity. Yeah, I mean just go straight in man. Why and does he do that only when he naps? Or during the day, I think we're thinking I'd rather see that than nail biting. Yeah, no biting is gross Yeah, I hate it. I do it get the way down. I mean too. I do it and I hate seeing it. Do you? Yeah

I've tried to quit so many times. I try to buy my nails sometimes my wife gives me that dirty look She hears that first. Oh my god Tom will do it when I'm trying to sleep and I can feel the jarring of the mattress One little piece off. You know, yeah, or like I'll be watching a movie. That's that's tough for me movies and sports That's my work like I'm watching a game. Yeah. Yeah, I'm watching it and I'll be you know making that noise and then she'll be like I'm sleeping. I can hear you. I'm like, I'm watching a movie. You fucking rotten dog. Get out of here Stupid bitch. Yeah This is a message to all you women out there. Yes, you got a fucking face mask on and backpack

talking shit Protesting try to knock every fucking tooth out of their head. They don't act like a man treat them like one There you go. It's a really nice guy. Why aren't these people running for president? They are That's a really cool look. Yeah, I also like that. He says to knock women's teeth out And then he has about six or seven left. It's the irony. So maybe he's like then give him to me and put him in my mouth So I can get on my teeth back This one's just crazy Oh my god, he don't ask games

Oh, shit. They were just in a wreck. Yeah, I don't understand what that kid's saying. I don't understand what he's saying Something about x games. This is like x games Oh my god Oh my god, he on x games mode He on x games mode That's what he said Well, she's okay. Like oh like they did a stunt basically, right? Yeah, it's just not it doesn't know how to get out of the car Yeah

Fuck. Hey, thanks for uh, yeah, thanks for that one way to wrap it up. Yeah I just thought it was really interesting. I mean Have you ever seen that before it was pretty nutty that chick was just ready to get out, man. Yeah I say when you're in a situation like that get back into the seat try to rock the car back Flatness and then back out and drive home. Smart idea. Yeah, let that windshield glass just break Yeah, what's up, tom? Oh, just the thing didn't are you writing my special in there for september 12? Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's tell everybody one more time before we leave here First of all, thank you for coming in. I'm glad you're feeling better. First of all, thank you for having me. Oh, of course

Second of all, you're welcome. Thank you It's going to be september 12 tickets are on sale rush ticks.com our ush tix it's up there right now They're seeing it. They're seeing it right now for watching p.m. Pacific standard time Brad paisley will be my opener. That is so crazy. That's going to be great. He's gonna be my house panel play me in and out That's awesome. There's an after party after the show. Really? Yeah, people can hang out We can chat and have some libations and it's it's it's saturday saturday the 12th. Yeah, i'm gonna get tickets It's exciting. I want to get tickets. Can I get like a special? Yeah, uh, there's vip tickets, too I want them to get one of those. Yeah, you can be in my green room. Which is my closet

Can I come over and just do it? Yeah, you could I'll wear a mask. Yeah Can I if you want? Yeah, okay, you can wear a face shield too and a bag. Can you put a bag over your head? Yeah I'd love those face shields look super crazy. Oh, man. That's extra cracker. You can do our set Yeah, and where will you be like where will you be standing in your like in a living room? I'll be I'll be in our bowling alley in your alley. Yeah the bowling alley. Nice. I'll be in my office, but I think I might have Green screen. Can you hear any feedback or not? There will be um, there'll be some feedback. Nice. Yeah, that makes a big difference, right? Yeah, it does. There'll be like maybe 30. I think squares of people. Okay. That works. Yeah And um, they sent me all the equipment. I gotta check it out. It's in a big suitcase

You know like lighting and stuff. Wow. Jeez. That's cool. I can't wait cutouts and stuff like that. You know, that's awesome Yeah, it's gonna be great. So saturday the 12th excited for you. I've been on stand-up since march something Me too early march. Me too, man. Me three, man. Yeah Yeah, I think we're gonna be tight. We all probably stopped around the same date march 7th was my last show At the ice house. It was so great too. So rad. Yeah, I had a fun set at I had done Vegas. I got back from Vegas. I was like, uh, you know, it's be It's fun. I was like a month out from the special coming out and then I did Largo. I did a Did you go Largo casino in Vegas? No, no, no, I did a la's Largo. Oh, the la's Largo. Yeah, and um, yeah

It was a fun time and yeah, it's good to wrap it up. Yeah, that's a great one Um, okay, so hen dog is gonna take us out the closing song is don't be stingy. Thanks again to kevin kneelen Thank you guys for watching for listening. See you next week Thank you Kissing you and holding you and caressing you and playing with your titties Put your balls in my mouth Put put put your balls in my mouth make you just just come and come and come and come and come And come and fill my mouth

Yeah, I'll swallow if I want to Yeah, I'll swallow if I want to put a big hickey on your inner thigh there and make it nice and red Uh, well, it's normal size. It's not that big It's not that big That big that big the one thing that I'm gonna tell you is that the first time it's gonna be quick With me because it's been a long time Because it's been a long time Long time

Okay, you come you come you come. Let me see how much you come. Let me see how much you come. I need it right now I need I need it right now Right now. Okay Can you see this? Give it to me now. Give it to me now. I need it. I need it. I need it Give it to me Come on mark. Don't be stingy. Come on mark. Don't be stingy. Don't be stingy. Don't be stingy Suck it right. Just suck it right mark. Yeah. Oh, I can feel it

Oh, that's gonna be good. Oh, that's gonna be good Damn you bet I'm coming up in me. I better believe I'm coming up in me Oh Damn you are terrific. I know you're gonna be good in bed Come on mark. Don't be stingy. Come on mark. Don't be stingy