Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 570 - Ian Bagg - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

SPONSORS: - Go to Squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, and use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Go to KushyDreams.com and enter code "YMH" for 20% off - Download Best Fiends FREE on the Apple App Store or Google Play. - Get 15% off your order at BuyRaycon.com/ymh! - Go to Whoop.com and enter “YOURMOM” at checkout to save 15% - When you purchase a three month subscription, Babbel.com will give you 3 additional months for FREE with Promo Code "MOM" - Go to LiquidIV.com and enter code "MOM" for 25% off Tom Segura and Christina P start off this episode of Your Mom's House by discussing Christina's accent. They listen to a recent favorite fan song "Don't Be Stingy" by Hendawg which launches a conversation about Leo's famous video. They watch a video of Joe Biden farting during a speech, a couple pillow fighting, an update from the Gmail cool guy, a fart that turned into a brown, a rant about messy men, and more! They respond to listener emails about RPC, an Ed Asner cake, and a mommy who got the cops called on them because of the show. Ian Bagg is stand-up comedian, and host of Around the Bagg. He has a new hilarious comedy album out called "Everybody Wants Some" available on all audio platforms! He joins the main mommies to discuss their trip to Africa, crowd work, bombing on stage, finding dead bodies, and stupid comedy clubs. He watches Norm's poutine, a cool guy's message to Mark Zuckerberg, a guy whose goal is to look like a parrot, Christina's TikToks, and more!

Pow! Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. We're very excited. We hope that you are enjoying your day It's might be early if you started right up when this episode drops. There's a new drop schedule. Everything comes out at 6 a.m. Pacific so Well, we we expect you to set your alarm and wake up at 6 a.m. That's right to listen to a right when it drops 6 a.m Pacific and Yeah, 9 a.m. On the East Coast

It should be a very celebratory mood because even though it hasn't happened yet for us here. We know that the live show Happened over on the weekend What a lot of you days if you want to watch at YMH virtual comm you can keep on watching till Almost midnight on Friday. So thank you for everybody to support it. We know it was it was greatly supported So hopefully it came through in a big big way. Well, and what I loved about this the number two show is that we We wanted to expand it like I think we got a little excited about the uncensored element and the first one So we were like let's just watch people taking shit on nuggets. Yeah, it's nice and that's fun That's all good, but in the second show we really expanded our definition of what it meant to be live. Yes

original content and we built I like that we Made me anxious with how much we had going on and like, you know made it like that's an exciting thing We're like we're gonna cut from this guest to this pre-packaged thing We shot a bunch of original content if you saw it, which was I don't know that was a thrill You know, we wrote it shot it edited we had we had to hire, you know extra editors extra producers A whole team of people nine or ten actors. It was a whole ordeal and actors that would be willing to do the sketches We wanted them to which was it again an issue It's a recurring issue on why I made originals that people who are starving to perform look at our stuff and go

I'm good. I don't want to do that right in a pandemic where there's no offering money They're like no no no no no no no I don't need I don't need money that bad. Yeah, but we did it anyways You know, it's just like the gaze They just do what you want as long as you're agreeing and you're an adult you could do it You got a massage your little massage your little hole. It's not massage, right? He says massage Yeah, but do you know what you get pinned for saying which one all of it? Yeah. Yeah, not ing but in k I know and I and I didn't Somebody pointed out to me and I was like what and then I started listening. I was like you are doing that. You're like

Everything because I think it's a hun. It's like I grew up speaking Hungarian before I spoke English I think that messed me up a little bit. Wow Because that was I heard it. I can't get it out of my head. I know me neither I was watching the video we did the sketch and I do it in the sketch. I'm like, oh jeez Such a foreigner. Is that a foreigner thing? Yeah, it is because I spoke Hungarian first I think my you know, it's we you're learning language. Yeah, I had to learn English second You are completely retarded How dare you I I saw rude I know what about you and badly boy, we got an ear-beating on that one

I gotta tell you something. It made me feel bad You did it That everybody gave me a hard time about I was like man. I feel real. I feel bad about this boy Let me tell you I went through the YMH emails. I would gladly change the way that I speak and They were relentless. It was the grammar police came out in full force to let you know that you're completely Well, that's you know, they have a point and it also I think it's even funnier because We make a living speaking on multiple platforms. I kind of feel like saying

Well, and here's the deal man is that You just can't your odds for so long we do so many hours of content. I can't always be right Yeah, you know, and also you just you know, you stream of consciousness what we're doing here. Yeah, so I try Unprompted unprompted. Well, let's get into the show. We have great clips great talking Share with you and we have a great great great great guest. So let's do it. You ready to get the Go Attendees say they shouldn't ever wear masks if they have any medical issues or mental health concerns Or if they feel they simply can't breathe when George Floyd was saying I can't breathe and then he died

And now we're wearing a mask and we say I can't breathe but we're being forced to write anyway Anyways With Tom Segura By the way, you think it's registered to her yet, like what a cool comparison that is She's like this guy was murdered. Yeah, she's like and I gotta wear this fucking thing. I mean same same Well, it's just like the gates same Z's Yeah, he was saying he can't breathe because there's these four guys on his back and here I am with this cloth. I Feel the same way

And she's the way that she's saying it to she she's so confident Please I want to play it. She's saying this like I say badly. Okay, like she's like, I know I'm right She's so earnest Attendees say they shouldn't ever wear masks if they have any medical issues or mental health concerns or if they feel they simply can't breathe When George Floyd was saying I can't breathe and then he died and now we're gonna ask and we say I can't breathe But we're being forced to write anyways. I don't say what cup bread. I don't say doesn't he say doesn't she sound Other doesn't Shana sound a little special. Well, Shana sounds like Really into reading but no, yeah her logic is

Bread It's a where the paper one. It's not what the paper mask. Yeah, just maybe just stop making analogies That's also something I would do. She doesn't even know that word. Yeah, babe. I know she's a woman Stupid women On prompts it idiot Stupid fucking idiot. Where is she located in the world? Is this Florida? St. George red. I don't know where that is. I don't know where that is. St. George. Could that be a You know what I love about Washington

You know what I love about local news is that there's no standard. It's like they know that she's being you talk worded You don't yeah, like they know that this is so ridiculous every local news I think seems like an SNL You're like is this actual news right like someone in the room in the newsroom was like this is gonna be awesome watch this one Yeah, I'm gonna go viral all the best stuff comes from local news Like I don't watch local news to inform myself. I watch it to see how fucking dumb it's gonna get yeah, America This is unreal. This is a debate. Oh that wearing a mask is a is an issue for people. Yeah, I'm fucking real By the way, I wanted to point that out before I forget if I have it here. Yeah, this hen dog mix

You know it ended episode. I think five six eight. I mean that is up the Yeah, oh my god. You've been you've been listening to this in the house for the last week now Yeah, I don't I don't turn it off To the point where I had to tell him we were on a hotel getaway for the first night in months away from our children And all I hear is listening to the car on the way over holding you. I'm like babe. Yeah, I'm making you feel It's so good. It's so good kissing you and holding you and caressing you and playing with your titties your balls in my mouth But put your balls in my mouth make you just just come and come and come and come and come and come and fill my mouth

Yeah, I'll swallow if I want to Yeah, I'll swallow if I want to put a big kicky on your inner thigh. Yeah, make it nice and red Oh, it's normal size. It's not that bad. That's the part you like the best I love this the first time it's gonna be quick with me because it's been a long time Because it's been a long time long time Okay, you come you come you come. Let me see how much you come. Let me see. Thank you. I got it Everyone wants to hear it

We go Don't be stingy Okay, but there's a deal man is that I've upon listening to this over and over and over again after you we're listening to it I've had a few thoughts if you might if we might go further Well, can we also just say one thing before your thoughts? I know what this is leading to you have like questions and observations more questions also, you're not admitting to the fact that you are now constantly calling me mark and and and Actually telling me Leo's speech and it's so bizarre. She's like oh mark I just want to spend so much time with you and just make you feel like you're the only one kiss you and

Leave me messages like that and like Text me that stuff. I did so it started our romantic getaway. You're like, I'm just gonna suck you dry mark Okay So we were I was meeting you I was the studio I was gonna meet you at the hotel and then you were on speakerphone coming back from your tennis lesson And I didn't know that and I was like mark. You're just the only guy in town I can't wait to massage your little hole and just yeah, and I was walking around and love you and he's like, babe That was getting out of the car

So I was like, oh, I gotta take it off Bluetooth and then I like the you know the guy's like hey, welcome And I was like hi, and she's like I'll make you come By the way, but one of the things I did I was laughing a lot he has ruined just the word okay for me Mark or Leo because he goes okay. You come every time someone goes. Okay. I just go like Okay, what okay, you come I know so but again if this is raised so many questions in my mind Okay, first of all, he's like I'm just gonna suck on your tits and I'm thinking Which got me to thinking like do men suck on other men's tits really I think it has to happen And then here's why yeah, here's I know that you know nipples are a bit

You know sure big for some people like I don't mean just like visit I mean like they're really into it one of my friends. He's like he and his girl He's like every time that they hook up she on his nipples always Playing with it. So it makes sense. I mean it does but I did I what I wouldn't think that I didn't think of you like I'm gonna suck on your tits tonight right like it's an interesting thing to throw out there as what's on the menu for later Yeah, I'm gonna just suck on your tits and then he goes I'm gonna make you feel like you're the only man in my life. Yeah, that one's really and we would talk about that a lot Let's be honest. Yeah, Leo. I think Mark is the only man. He's the only guy. We all saw the video

Yeah, like there's not a lot of people hate my lot inventory. He's like I'll do you the favor Making you feel like you're the only one right that is the only one that is I don't think Leo's getting that much play besides Mark Which really bothered me and then also what's really enticing about Leo's offer is he's like It's normal size and it's gonna be quick. So like I have a small cock normal size It sounds really undesirable like I have a I have a small dick and he's gonna go fast He doesn't say I have a small dick. He says it's normal size and what you discover is that he's lying It's definitely below it's definitely by the way, I don't want to dick-shame them. Okay, no

We are welcoming of all dick sizes and shapes at your mom's, but I you know what? Here's the thing. I think you're actually Probably he's probably doing the right thing, which is like that's a confident move to be like, you know He's not like well, it's gonna be a little less than you used to oh and then later He goes I had I once had the Oriental warts and then they had to give me Yeah a circumcision and it made it look like this So remember he explains to Mark as they're masturbating together Yeah, that he's had warts and that his grandma would be like dicks coming all sizes Remember that part

And then he says massage which I don't like how he says that word because I don't look I'm not the expert on Yeah, I'm sorry Say it again. Massager massage. Yeah massage your little hole. Okay grammar police out there you guys nail time and I It's not massage Right, massage your massage. Yeah, it's not massage your little hole He definitely sounds like it's gonna die when he has his orgasm that sounds like a heart attack I Kissing you holding you loving you and kissing you Tom. I'm just sounds like his next expression is you know

Oh, it just freaked out on me Does this I just can't wait to hold you Tom That's what it sounds like Yeah Okay mark you come So there's that and then so we had our mommy Also, he doesn't say anything We've been doing that around the house

Yeah, but so we had a lovely hotel night away from our children for the first time in I mean since before the choir happened It was it was a socially distanced hotel and they clean everything and they tell you when you get there to stand back Don't worry. Yeah, it's all good. How many people have to die you to have a night out? Fucking baby, I know I hate everybody so I don't hate everybody I just hate those SJW is online. I put up. Okay. Look at my at the Christina P on the gram I put up a non-binary emoji And I got a little heat for it from the SJW is out there not our fans because our fans get that it's You know, it's not okay, I'll tell you why it's not okay. It's not okay

There are certain people that should never you should never joke about okay Never joke about sir because you may or may not Possibly hurt their feelings. It's not only that they're just off limits. You can laugh about other things You can joke about other things But there's 16 or 18 categories or I just I never want to hear a joke about it All right, right and even if something is new and an interesting and maybe absurd on first glance You're not like I laughed when I first saw this but then I corrected myself. Don't laugh at that It's not funny that a half

Unidentifiable man-woman thing is it is a caricature of you. I don't like it's it's funny instinctively But when I think about it and I think about what what it could mean to somebody else then I realized not to laugh good Tom, that's really the way for you. You know that is the way to correct yourself and Correct yourself. Yeah. Yeah, don't go with your natural. My favorite thing was so in the NFL right now They're airing there. They're pumping in fake. There's the stadiums are empty. Yeah, so they're pumping Fake crowd noise into the stadium and onto TV. Oh watch the game. You're like Then you look up there's no one there and I wrote like, you know Even though I made fun of wrestling and I was completely correct in doing so. Yeah, this fake crowd noise thing is so gay

like The gayest thing I've ever seen hold on is it gay and retarded or just gay? Well, I just said that it was gay and I think that My favorite thing was going into that and into the responses to that yeah, and oh This is what you were battling. No, no, that was different. That was different. Yeah, that was different But this was my my favorite Response to saying that that that crowd noise thing was so gay was a

Oh It takes me a second because there was don't make fun of it mark Somebody's feelings could potentially get hurt. It's not funny It was it really made me you're not allowed to have a natural reaction to the absurd anymore It was it's just like so weird. You just can't Anything or you can't just feel a normal like oh, that's funny a lady with a beard. I don't see that every day It's not like I hate everybody that it's so silly. I hate everything. I wrote. Oh, it's just like the gays Tom It's just like it. I wrote

God it really made me fucking. Oh, yeah gay guy here. Yeah, it's pretty gay And that that really made me like feel good. You felt valid. You know that I was like this guy's like gay guy here It is gay And then another guy wrote to me he goes also gay and also agree You know, you know what that's called people with a sense of humor Yeah, they're still around right laughing about things that you know, I think it's it sounds like anybody born after Jen Jen why is that is that generation right right now? Who's the unfunnest? Yeah, but one of these guys is looked at you pretty young. I mean, I think I'll maybe you can categorize

I mean, I know what you're saying. Yeah, like the younger people are but I still think that People who don't take them so seriously are in every generation. That's true That there's lame-os in every and this is why I'm for the confederate statues need to stay I have a go fund me set up Basically to fight this shit man. We got we're gonna forget our history. We're gonna even know where we came from. That's right Tom these colors do not run. Yeah They don't I love I tell you it was so you got that beautiful mouth It was startling to me though the first time I saw a confederate flags

I mean in like Nashville around to the club like you go like a block or two from the club there Yeah, and I'm like, oh my god. This is real like I only thought the Duke boys had the confederate Like a flash memory of right now. So I went to a really small college in a really small town. Yeah, Hickory, North Carolina Yeah, which is not like don't think it's like Poe dunk all hillbillies around it had everything, right? But like it had like people that were sophisticated. It did have country people. It's a nice small town we would go Saturdays were usually like a party night obviously in a small college town and then Sunday

There was this guy because we would repeat repeatedly see it you go out and go to Bojangles or something You know something to eat there was a dude who would drive in this small town and a pickup truck with like one of those 20-foot confederate flags and he would just drive through So you're you would just be like out. Yeah, and you're like, there's the guy. There's the guy just drive around Just reminding everybody. Yeah, you'd be like it's Sunday. You'd forget and then you'd be like, oh, hey, there's that guy Yeah But he's just driving he's just reminding you about the Confederacy like oh, uh, I'm pretty racist You're like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I forgot about you all week, but now it's Sunday

Well, what's interesting, too, is the people who defend the Confederate flag claim that it's not racist that it's just part of my History and here's the here's the compelling argument against that though. Here's here really is it's pretty it's it's pretty concise Yeah, because you can be like it's it signifies southern pride, which is you know, you can say that and because of during a time in the Civil War that that was the flag of the south, right, but right, right But here's here's why that argument doesn't hold up the civil war is only fought for one reason only to keep slaves Like that's what the Confederacy wanted to do. We want to keep slaves. That's what they're fighting over So if you go like, yeah, but it's about pride. It's about pride in keeping slaves

Which that's before but hold on Tom now hold on which is which to be fair is a really It's a great economic. Yes. It is a good economic. I'm trying like If I could run this operation with all slaves, I'm I mean, I would be great I would bring them on I would love nothing more than to beat Nadav me to bloody pulp set him on fire Crack his spine put him in a chair and be like switch the boards in Google But there's all these fucking stupid rules in California, which is why we're getting the fuck out of here I Agree Tom and I'm not limiting it to black slaves. Let's be clear. That's true. I don't want you

This is not racially motivated. I know this is cheap labor. Yeah free labor. Yeah, which I get it Slaves White slaves spik slaves Arab slaves. Yeah, all the rainbow. Yeah gay slaves Slaves it's like your cock as soon as you walk in the room Come dogs all tied up little bitch bitch ass slaves women slaves, I'm not opposed to my favorite By the way, I gotta say something. I get or I get that keeping a woman tied up in a shed I do too. You just fucking dump inside of her. Yeah, and then you know, here's a fucking Saucer of milk sandwich. Yeah, here's the thing though is that what if you impregnate her kill the baby you punch her in

The stomach and you kill the baby, but it's That's what now it's funny This is what the North Korean the North Korean labor camp guards would do. Yeah, they would rape the girls Yeah, impregnate them and then kill them It works if you're looking for a system that works it that's true You got to give a lot of credit to Kim Jong-un in the the country. He's set up hands down good system anyway So we've been having a great time We hold on but I didn't bring up the best part of our night away

Yeah, is that so we're sleeping. We had a wonderful dinner with some friends We drank a lot. We ate wonderful meal and I'm laying in bed And this is the middle of the night. This is 2 a.m. And I feel The bed shake. Oh, yeah, right and you know You know whenever you're sharing a bed with someone and the bed is shaking if it's not an earthquake Something bad is about to happen to you or is happening. It's not a good thing when you feel the bed So I look over and I just see a shadow of Tom on his back And he kind of stops doing what he's doing the bed stop shaking and I go are you are you touching yourself?

And he's like, yeah, yeah, no, it just relaxes me I go to sleep this way and you were so tell tell me about your dick touch method first, okay First of all, let's be clear. And we had done by the way. We did it. We did it Okay, then we go we have dinner. Yeah, then we go back to the room. Here's the thing. I didn't love the bed Right the the mattress sure didn't sleep that great. It wasn't a sought for my mattress It's true. I didn't love the sheets and here's a lot of times Brooklyn and if I'm If I'm if I'm awake Like four or five a.m. And I want to go to sleep. I give myself a little tug

Like a little one just to send dick sensations through my body and then I go to sleep, right? I don't actually it's not jacking off. It's like it's tugging It felt a little aggressive. Well, it's a little that was shaking and then like you you get like a sensation through your body You just close your eyes and you're like and then That feeling sometimes will knock me back out. So it's self-soothing. It's self-soothing babies do it, too You're just self-soothing I'm just self-soothing and I

Feel it right until I so I was trying to get myself back to sleep But what I ended up doing was waking you up. I'm having sex with you But let me just brag can I brag a little bit yeah for a man of your age Mm-hmm. You did it twice in like less than 12 hours. Yeah, it's pretty bad very firm erections with no assistance Well, it's not gonna get hard till I'm ready to come. Yeah And let me tell you to the married couples out there You guys have been cooped up with your kids too for months and months. It really made me love you again I felt a sense of adoration and love. It was good. It was good to do

Yeah, and you were nice to me for like 72 hours until the poison built up again in your body And I had to put out again to release the tension, but I have 72 hours I think with you before you have to ejaculate and then you become normal now. What's the come count? What do we have to oh, yeah, I kind of got lazy on my I Just know that I got to get a few more in let me see I got my I can't wait for you to shoot shoot your blanks now my jack chart here I Think I got about eight or nine more to go. That's not bad. We could crank those out fast. Yeah Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it. So you just gotta

You know basically anytime you feel the need you got to get it out and then and then I can Go no goalie. Just dump clips. I'm so I'm can't wait You when touring resumes on the road, you know, I mean strangers people you just say you meet and greets Hey, what's your name dump clips? Yeah, bend over. This is gonna go. There's nothing. Don't worry. You won't get pregnant Don't have to cry stuff like that. I Gotta raise a baby. No, there's no sperm in there. Shut up. Let me just fucking put it. Wow So I

Anyways, I did this I did this live event for flappers where I just like to talk to people and draw and drink with them It was really fun. Thank you for the people that showed up for that. It was really neat But a guy on this thing had an idea You know your your reluctance to cuddle me is one of the Listen, it's one of the saddest parts of our marriage. I'm yeah every night. She's like will you spoon me? Yeah, yeah I like how you say it like are you still me? like it's completely unheard of that a woman would want to cuddle and I mean, I'm a I'm a dog. I'm a

I'm a Brussels. I need I need love and affirmation and you're the only one I'm allowed to get this stuff from mark You need to meet my needs. Yeah So there it is Now I make you come mark. Yeah, where's my cuddles? Yeah, so this guy On this live thing said Why don't you turn down the thermostat and that way he'll be cold and he'll want to cuddle So I tried this theory last night the house was freezing Yeah, I was wearing a sweater and socks and my pajama pants and I was like alright mark here

It is let's go. Let's cuddle and I jump on top of you to cuddle And you were blazing hot Like a briquette like on fire daddy runs hot. Yeah, I have a lot in spices So, I mean there is some validity to your dumb argument that Told you you're always hot I told you and you really were hot last night even though I did try that's why a lot of times At night she'll be like out air conditioning. She's like you think it's too cold in here. I'm like never no I don't think it's too cold at all. It's always too cold I don't think it's too cold and I show you the baby the baby's monitor and it's like

68 degrees never shivering in there like that it is never like Oh You are terrific, I know you're gonna be good in bed Come on mark. Don't be stingy. Come on mark. Don't be stingy Yeah, the end of don't be stingy remix really fantastic stuff man Well, I also want to thank people I've been getting a lot of feedback on my Netflix special mother inferior I'm like Jesus Christ people are so desperate now. They're down to the female I'm like everyone's been watching those Korean soap operas and where the Indian shows are done

Yeah, Netflix needs a lot. I guess we're gonna have to watch some women Nothing left. I'm serious people are like I'm watching women talk Happening so thank you for everybody. If you haven't seen it watch it It's the only thing left to watch on Netflix. By the way, I think you made a really good point here Oh boy. No, you said this that you know Trump has essentially taken a like it's not a flat-out endorsement But a sort of endorsement from Rogan and it looks like Biden is kind of winking at us. Yep, like that's what it seems. Yes. So

Yep, I Don't know if you remember about a month or so ago We were able to find this it's sort of like You know if you watch baseball and like the you know, the third base coach might give a little signal to the pits Like it's like it feels like it's a it's a signal to us You know I have to cut those teachers and firefighters police officers and cut critical health care programs or stop work on roads and bridges So what does the human cost of lack of state and local physical relief look like I heard it It was a Biden fart. I was a Biden and so we were like is he trying to get on the show

He's trying to court the the YMA. Yeah, anyways There's a new one. No new no, he's clearly shouting out to your mom's he's looking for like support I think from us from our listeners. He's like, oh, is Trump getting Joe like he's like kind of get maybe a little support from you guys For sure. Why in God's name don't we teach? history in history classes a Black man and men at the light bulb not a white guy named Edison Okay

Wow, and that's not doctored. Oh, are you sure it's not doctored and not only that we were able to boost it Not a white guy named Edison Yeah, so what happens is wow because I've farted many times performing sure So he's got a wireless mic the mask on they have raised the gain on that thing way way way up The way that it resonates in the room that it's not close to his mouth But it's really loud in the room and he's just up there walking around like I got a fart I'm just gonna fart, you know, but it ends up not a white guy named Edison It's definitely picked up Wow and also Nadab correct me if I'm wrong

But then at the YMH forensics team also Cross-examine the footage and yeah that see that was my biggest worry is that what if this fart was put in post-production, right? But then we found a different feed from a different person in that room And we heard that fart at a different like audio level, so it's like okay, so they snuck in this fart Yeah, sometimes, you know, sometimes you get fooled. We've been fooled on this show You know who we fool got fooled by hell you do you do I know do you yeah, yeah, that's uh, she's doing a bit That's not the actual she's making fun of the Bulgarian interior minister This lady speaks like fluent English and she's doing that like as a joke, but she did that so well

Yeah, it's been said to me a lot. Oh, wow. So, you know, I got all the messages about it Oh, so this one is kind of interesting. We brought it up before and it looks like And more people are weighing in on RPC. Hey Hitler, I saw the recent episode where a fan wrote in about misquoting RPC For as long as you played that clip, I have known that you have been misquoting RPC, but didn't want to be that guy Since that guy was that guy. I'll have to be that guy, too RPC is actually saying get all With the all trailing off as in get all of this sure remember RPC is a showman It would not be so unprofessional as to let a sentence trail off with get oh

So, I don't know Let's play it, please Oh No, I'm gonna have to respectfully Disagree here y'all in it because it trails off, but he doesn't finish yet Last guy I don't hear it remember last week. He said that the guy was saying Get get Again, oh, oh, oh again, right? Oh again. Oh

I hear that you hear again Yeah, but it's one of those things too where it's like as soon as you hear a suggestion and then you hear the audio Like it sounds like what? Yeah. Yeah Okay, let's hear you again. I Think it's again, right? Again, oh, I hear that the mystery shall remain And Unfortunately, I don't I don't know if he knows what he said in the moment

You know, it's a hard question to validate. I mean this this next one's about it. I mean, I don't know. These are all about this Oh, people are all about hot topic. This is a this They say oh, oh again. Oh, this is incorrect clearly the gut correct line is oh get oh Oh, get oh I mean, that's funny, but no No, hey our words, I mean come on guys don't write an email like that Thank you all misinterpreted the honorable RPC It's obvious to me that he's saying quiero the Spanish word for I want and not oh oh and get off

Let's see if we hear here. Yeah. Yeah. Oh Yeah, that actually makes sense now and by the way, where does RPC live Spanish Harlem? Oh, wow 124th and 1st Avenue 395 apartment to see Hey, Hitler's Glenn is our worded RPC is clearly saying get all when he says as in get all of it all to come Yeah, I mean that's possible for sure Very very very possible. Oh

My god, we should show this gene. You want to see this? Yeah These email hey mommy is my boyfriend Chris's birthday was today birthday usually make his dick soft So I got him a cake feather featuring our man at Asner given the pictures essentially of an old man ejaculating there was some risk in getting this picture printed on a cake in a country governed by Sharia law The UAE We know that Christina can relate that she served some hard time in the Middle East sure did hashtag stolen baller. Oh, stop I've been to the UAE Okay, there's nothing we love more than getting into bed every night watching why I made it literally got us through quarantine

Potentially getting arrested at a bakery was the least I could do keep it high and tight B and C. Look at this Look at this Unreal come on mark Don't be stingy happy 35th birthday birthday to Chris there. That is really cake. Yeah, and he's got his mystic rick shirt on Hey, brother. Thank you so much. Happy birthday and that is I mean that is an Unbelievable cake Well, we need to start making those. Do you think we could get a deal with Carvel and do like ice cream? It's possible Hey, I heard about complaints from listeners says sub jeans heard about complaints

Listeners on the latest episode with the old men coming clips. I just wanted to chime in and say keep it coming I'm sure I speak for a lot of listeners when I say nothing makes me smile from ear to ear more than hearing Ed Asner audibly expressing himself and showing his love for Mark for two minutes for two minutes straight uninterrupted I say new photo should be use headphones at work. Don't be stingy listeners. Y'all take it easy, Austin Well, there's a lot of feedback. I've read to where people are upset with us for playing men coming It's like, you know guys, this is why you age you can't listen in your cubicle Speakers you gotta read that one. It looks like it's pretty pretty loaded Hmm

Hey hitlers since the pandemic I've been working from home And so I've been re-listening to your back catalog of episodes I live in Chicago and where and where I stay within my apartment complex is right next to the elevator Recently people have been moving in and out and at the same time I have had a bad cold causing my hearing to be affected So on Friday before Labor Day, I was listening to episode 500 with Brenda neary one of my favorite episodes and I was playing at Because of my cold Unbeknownst to me

An Asian family was moving in and all they could hear coming from my apartment was a lady screaming and dropping some big words She got her asshole tattoo This caused the family to call the cops and within 10 minutes of the initial big word I got a knock on my door and it was the CPD I got the biggest dad boner when showing the Chicago police officers a video of a lady getting her asshole tattoo to prove that I wasn't holding a woman against her will They quickly realized that I was following proto and let me get back to my day glad They didn't look in the closet for stroke gang for life. Thanks. Mommy's Tony

Big words. Holy shit careful with that. That's crazy. I've never even I mean that's wild that somebody would hear I mean that audio is pretty stunning. Yeah, but for them to be like there's somebody tied up in there Let's set the police Good Lord. Wow. Yep Well, that's awesome. Thanks so much. Yeah for that. Let's check out this out. Yeah Yeah, look good. This is a couple just having a good time during quarantine with a good old-fashioned pillow fight. Okay? I Could see you doing that to me

You would do that to me so fast Yeah Yep, I guess dude he swept her legs. Yeah, he dropped her to the ground and then just really hit her heart I mean at first I was like this could be a bit, but I'm like, that's that's a pretty aggressive bit That's crazy. Unless she's a stunt woman, you know, like that's yeah, that's kind of the argument You know when they say like male players transition to being female and then they play in a sport with other females watch your fucking mouth Right now. I know where you know what shut up You don't disrespect

Alright When are you gonna transition to become a woman so that you can play against other women in tennis and kill them like this? I would love to I've been playing a lot of tennis and it'd be so much easier to play women because they're not as good at athletes Well, I don't know about that, but they're probably Some of them you're stronger than just by virtue. Yeah by some you mean biological all of them But oh my god, that is not true. Are we gonna have to Billy Jean King? I could never beat obviously like a Pro male player, but like a woman player probably like another couple months. I'll be ready All right, because they're women and they're not good women are so stupid, right?

Yeah, who would you know that what about sure pova? She's hot too. She's hot and she's retired. Yeah, I could beat her tomorrow What about Serena you could beat Serena tomorrow Serena? I need at least another six months of training Who else you got I Don't know these ladies. I'm not familiar. I'm Stephie graph. I remember her. She was dominant, but she's retired I could definitely beat her Chris Everett. Yep. She's old. I could beat her Yeah, mostly ladies. I don't recognize I could probably beat him And a corn of cova, I mean look I've been playing for six weeks. There's no way no I know

It's like how long does a man have to train to beat a woman, you know a week couple months I do want you to transition those so you can play against women. It's cool that you want me to go through that Just like to see what happens Transition to be a woman. Let's see how it goes, but don't you think the listeners will want that too? I think the listeners wanted it might adversely affect my life in some way Yeah, I think it's worth it for like yeah, it was cool how it worked I don't want you to cut your penis off But I wouldn't mind if you were a little more feminine at times like cuddling

What if I transition okay? I transition to be a woman. Yeah, I Register I'm good enough to play now on the on the women's tour and then during like a big major like a finals match Australian open kind of thing And also I don't shave my leg like I go You're just this I'm this I have like I have a ponytail, but no hair on top, you know And I got like one big kid and one flat But like on a big point my cock falls out of my skirt and it's on it's on International and they're like oh

Tammy Segura had a Wardrobe mishap where we'll be right back umpire comes down like you're cocking your balls I'm halfway transition How do you think I'm beating all these women You would be ugly Nike gets behind me. They're like support Tammy Well, that's the best part is are all the endorsements and the support you would get from the farm

I'd be the a wokers sports person of the year Person person sports person of the year. What are you searching for in a dump? He's looking for an image of me as a woman. Yeah, that'd be really fun right before we break here We do have a follow-up. Do you remember this? really really Really cool guy Yeah, he's right Oh

That was my favorite part you want to know why it reminds me of you and it's not something far off from what you would do Like you would incorporate the rip the burp into what you were already doing. It was pretty cool I got to watch this with Drew if you watch the draw after dark it came out last week and I gave him my assessment that I thought he's like, and what do we learn about? He's like the possibility. I go I think this is mania and he watched it and he goes I agree and he also pointed out that this gentleman Because someone's been a very fucking naughty fucking girl who needs a fucking spanking Oh

Okay, so Dr. Drew pointed out he goes that is not a bandage you get at the doctor's office It's a bandage you get at the hospital So he goes our man here might have you know just kind of gotten out just kind of something checked himself out of the clinic Well, all I know I haven't seen it is that We have a follow-up video of this guy. Wow well first of all let me say I still choose the system of Fremont over this This guy terrifies me. This guy is kind of scary. This guy is actually. This is very unpredictable guys

And those look like turds on the ground behind Wouldn't be surprised. Yeah. Well, here you go. Here's the new video. No, oh So we had a little bit of a good time around I'm gonna rebuild my guitar. I kind of broke that one Make it better bigger faster stronger run out the six million dollar record Also, it looks like we just got out of the shower, but there's nothing on the floor in the room Yeah, just sitting on the ground on concrete. Yeah Yeah, and by nothing on the ground like not carpet or wood or a chair or anything or anything. Yeah, jeez

I think I might get all sweaty and you lead up with the women's football team After the fucking game The lick So is this to a specific person though? Yeah molly wobbles you didn't hear But I mean is is is he actually He's got a lady. It's just posting it on Instagram. It's like he's posting these himself. Okay, but yeah, it's hard It's kind of hard to to decipher what exactly is going on here. Yeah, listen I'm gonna go out on a limb here and was it limb or ledge. I don't know anyway

I'm gonna go out there and say that he's trying to court a lady. I think it's right because our most men motivated by Courtship mm-hmm women whops. Yeah Do you remember this lady? I'll switch because this guy's made me really uncomfortable. Yeah, he'll shut you down fun Sure, sure. That was not fun. No, you know why you don't fuck your friends. I love her. I'll tell you why yeah You find them hideous. It's real That's why you don't fuck your friends Yeah, that's so true. This lady we played her a long time ago. Yeah long time ago and she's talking about it's like I don't know why we divide sex

From our friendly relationships with people look you're two adults. Oh boy. You're not related by my blood Fuck Yeah, and she was really aggressive, you know, I remember Society where people pretend to care about people like you know, it's like it's like these poor like people are down syndrome You know like like like, you know, they're put into this world and nobody's gonna fuck them You might have people who are like high-functioning and yeah, these people go Oh, I love these people I take you want to be a helpful straight women open up a nice little lesbian sexual clinic

And you can go in there and dress up in a nurse's outfit with a short skirt And you can come in and go hi honey time to get your sponge bath and you whip your kids out and you rub them on my fucking My face It's not always that you get to play that for a lady, but she earned it She did earn it Tom and I would say she's more inspiring than some cool guy. She puts it out there even harder Well, guess what more there's a new video. Well, hold on. This is like a Recap oh, I remember this very well And I what I hope she has in the new video since I haven't seen it is I hope she's still not wearing a bra

Because what I remember is how much her tits swing in this one and also that that shirt is dope as fuck is fuck Yeah, she's right. All right, here we go Every guy on the planet lacks Organization whenever you go over to a guy's place, you know, wherever it may be his apartment is always a fucking goddamn Colossal mess. It's always a fucking colossal mess Mm-hmm, and he's always telling you and he always you know what a guy's talked about, but yeah, you know, yeah this stuff Yeah, yeah, this is a side project

You know, I gotta add that just because you know, I make these funny noises It's because I really just the noise indicates when I go It means I want to bash their fucking heads and I get it. That's why I make that noise It's like an expression of like anger But every every guy does that. He's like, yeah This is just like an hour was a summer project and I was a spring project Shut the fuck up You're a slob. Okay, just fucking admit it. You're a slob

First of all, I just know that I think your dream came true. I don't think she's wearing a bra I think you're right Tom. I see a lot of jiggle a lot of jiggle and I want to know let's let's go through the checklist She's lying down check. Yeah unflattering angle check poor lighting check The sound quality is a little too good for a cool guy video find fine. I think she might be a Little angry. She's got a lot of anger. Yeah a lot of anger I don't think every time I go over to guys or if I drive in a guy's car if I ride in a guy's car The car is a god damn mess. It's fucking trash on the floor. I don't know how straight women deal with it I really don't know how they deal with that. I don't I don't know how they deal with

Well, she's wrong cuz your cars are cleaner than mine. Yeah, you're actually the car And if their husband is A clean freak he likes it up the ass. Oh Chances are he likes it up the ass. That's just the way it is That's that's the fucking nature of mankind. You get a guy who listens to barbers tries in Likes to clean up things clean and neat. He likes to take it in the ass. Oh my god. It's just like the gaze Yeah, are you gay Tom? Yeah, I keep my car clean because I wanted up my ass. Yeah, I see the correlation Yep

This lady she's really upset. I was hoping she'd have gotten I know and I just like I was hoping that that would be the palate cleanser and it isn't so I have to go to one that I know I know I really hope you're gonna pull up what I think you're gonna pull up really Okay, well, I think this is pretty great. Okay, ready watch over here Somebody got hit on a scooter and they go flying and they let end up in the gutter and then there's a here's the follow-up All the way in is that a woman? Yeah The look they have to take apart like the sidewalk and That is why I know I can beat women in tennis. They're just not that coordinated

You know, they're not that strong. They're not that smart Unprompted clean up on prompted on prompted. Yeah, I put down my credit card. What do you think that was gonna play? It never gets declined. I thought you're gonna the video that we were playing when we rolled in this morning You're like, is that on is that tick-tock on this? Okay, life show. Oh, that's a silly thing. That's let's go. Let's go take a break here We have to take a break, but I'll just play this one. This one really brings joy to everybody's life Everyone I've sent this to they really liked it Yeah, I just I don't know what it's called

Yeah, he said it's already in there. I'll go ahead. Keep going number four in the tick-tock. There it is That's it. You just passed it go back one Go back one That no, no, I just you just had it. It's not there. It just did. Oh, that's it number eight nine nine nine Okay, and we'll take our quick break after yeah One more time one more time just to watch for authenticity Oh That's like a huge

Load that kind of know so it makes me wonder if this is a manufacturer talk It doesn't matter because it's entertainment. It's exactly the entertainment value is really there cuz I was I mean That's all pose a question to the guys in the booth as well Have you ever sharded a solid log or is it always liquid? It's generally liquid Yeah, it's a it's always diarrhea if something Yeah, I've never had a log just shoot. Well, maybe someone has as anyone sharded a log Any never farts even I like to forget when I shard or shit in general So I'm not sure I don't recall. I will tell you this that I've had I have had like oh my god

I think I'm gonna like have a messy brown and you sit down on the toilet and it's a solid brown Yeah, that's that's unique. Sometimes you're like, oh, wow, I thought this was gonna I like all the internal signals were one way sure, but you know Well, let's take our quick break. Yeah, and we'll be back and we'll be back in a moment. Why are they to be right back? And we are back. We're so excited to bring a guest who we it was been too long since we've seen we've plugged his Work before and a reminder that you can see or you can listen to his new album. Everybody wants some everywhere Music is streaming and available and you can also check out conversations on Amazon Prime It is the always hilarious Ian bag

Thank you miss you so much and just you know in bag is really the king of crowd work the best and you have Yes, watch conversations Download everyone want everybody wants some because you you must I mean a great comic outright, but the way that you work a crowd I mean, I've told this story before but I remember early on You know, I wasn't a regular at the store But I would get what would work those shows in the belly room Mm-hmm, and sometimes like the shows would have like 11 people at it You're like fuck. Yeah, you go up there and Ian would turn the 11 people into like I'd never see I still haven't seen anything like it

Like you'd make 11 people sound like just to let you know 11 people now as a sellout. That's true Preparing for this there's a new time, but I mean you could work them into a frenzy And we were in the mood all be in the back being like how's he doing this? Yeah, like you would just you would just play them man. It was amazing My first experience with you was when you bought a BMW for 17 bucks. Oh, yeah He found the paper the wrong price or something. Yeah, I'm just like that is impressive. Yes, that's true Yeah, and I had to watch your comedy I printed it out and then I brought it to the dealership and I was like this is what you're selling this for and they're like

That's a mistake. I go. That's what it's advertised as and they're like, all right. We'll be back. Hold on a second And then the guy came out. He was like, yeah, all right, whatever We'll lose 11 grand. I was like, okay, great He married you Is able to spend all that money on a ring But what I remember most is going to Africa with you and doing the Nando's tour and you would just Annihilate this audience and you know how that is to do another country and we were just lucky to get by Tommy and guys Let's talk more about me. Yeah, fantastic. It was also wasn't at the best box

I did festivals more after that you had you closed the first before is that what I did I guess you were the last guy before the intermission Which is like what I've learned since doing festivals is like that's the money spot You know who I learned that awful was Trevor Noah because that's where he went on the first time I went to Africa. Oh, really Here's why it's the money spot. You can go out to dinner after you can go Everybody stays for the second half. You're like, yeah, I'm gonna go out to dinner. That's what I did on oddball I would I had that spot and then people would be on the second half of the show I'd be like, oh, we'll be at the steakhouse, but bye guys

Finishing your steak. Yeah as the MC And by the way, you were smart because you would bought this powdered thing you bring in your packets after the show You go, oh, no, I'm on this diet. I'm drinking that's over drinking my shake and Tom and I would go I learned that from the first one because You go there and they just feed you and you're like what the hell you gain weight in Africa. You're like all those commercials are wrong Yes, nobody's starving here. I was opening by the second by the last few shows with that I'm like the only guy that got fat in Africa and and I bought the biggest pants I remember you bought pants

I'm sorry as big as it gets you're the fattest man Yeah, I remember joking about that. I was like, I'm the only guy I go. I said that like similar thing I was like all those fucking fundraisers are lying You guys true. I remember walking out of the bathroom one time backstage. We they they were sponsored by Nando's which is like They're chicken right so we would have that every time every night Perry Perry sauce very Perry I walk out of the bathroom and Ian staying there and I go dude I just shit like pools of blood and he goes you serious and I go. Yeah, he goes your stomach cancer You're dying I was like no, I'm just kidding. Oh, I thought you were gonna die

We're gonna lose you on this tour By the way, it's shedding blood in Africa. Yeah normal normal. Yep. I remember I opened I opened with I'm originally from Africa, but isn't everyone Yeah And all the Africans would say Yeah, no, not everybody's from here everybody's from get out get out walk with freedom. There was so many we would go for like Jokes like to you remember that I had the opener that That that they made that one of the guys pull me aside. It's like why are you doing that man?

You're bumming people outside would go like who's from who loves being South African and they would cheer And I was like who loves Johannesburg and then they would cheer and then I go who here doesn't have AIDS and then like They would laugh the audience would laugh but like the Americans like some of the Americans on our tour would be like Really making people sad when you do that No, but Tom with AIDS, but there were parts of South Africa where they would cheer legit like I don't have yeah, they were Yeah, I take it as like I'm HIV you know The the one that you got was that that the one that was the biggest one where I was like

I don't know how you'll make this work, but you're like you see in those guys with their dyed beards They look like orangutans You're saying it to staff and they were like laughing, but they were like definitely don't do that on stage And you're like now do it and then I did that in in Bangladesh You did I said I can tell who the leaders are they're the one with the orangutan beard But it killed by the kid An orangutan orange they're died that way so you're like come on guys you even asked the guy You're like you found a guy in like the third row and you're like we're at the zoo and you felt inspired. Why'd you do it?

My god, I was Fantastic go back to Africa. I'm doing well I love so much about you is that you're a nice guy You're genuinely a kind person some people will disagree right and I went but when you go for comedy you go right for the jugular Yeah, there's no fucking fear and anything you're doing. Yeah, there's like six of you left It's just supposed to be funny there. It's just disagree Disagree comedy is about well this is why you're standing for the right thing to do and making sure that other people Feel like that is that you said the right made a good point and that's where you're wrong

I know I have the wrong Apparently I was supposed to go for applause not laughter And now it switched the the Instead of the politicians getting applause now they get laughter. It's all switched Because when you watch it you're just like oh, this is an hour stand up. This is fantastic. Yeah, right god That's and then you'll need stand-ups like oh, let me tell you about the time cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry. Yeah It's true. It's true. Oh my god bummer. I know it's what it is is like you come from the Idea of like go for jokes. Yeah, like go for jokes

We're supposed to find the funny in tragedy. Yeah, that's what we're supposed to do But apparently now it's turned to find the tragedy in tragedy. Yeah It's it's it's a tough thing to do because you just you're supposed to bomb and you're supposed to bomb Like you've never bombed before trying to get a joke to be right perfect or work in right? Yeah So that's what you're supposed to do right? It's not supposed to be perfect immediately, right? So if you're not am I allowed to swear I'm Sure cutting can If you're if you're I don't even know what I was gonna swear about now

But if you're not if you're not taking a chance You must be able to take the risk to discover where the line is because the audience will tell you what's appropriate And what's not and where's the line? It drives me nuts when I watch people get in trouble On their stand-up specials or something they did earlier Yeah, the judge in the judge in the jury was in the room with them them that night And if it isn't funny, they will turn on you like nobody's ever had anybody turn on them It's supposed to be like that and that's why you're not supposed to record every set. Yeah, that's why you know That's why it's not supposed to you know put it out

Yeah, ten like after you've run your set ten times or once I better put those on you to fantastic I did it last night, you know, you're supposed to grind you're supposed to grind it and hone it and make it fantastic Any any bit that I've ever had that like really turned into like a home run Started as a big strikeout, right, you know like fucking it up and yeah, not not saying the word You know just not figuring it out and and I stumbled and fell how many bits have you had that scared the shit out of you But you stop doing yeah, like you're like, oh my god. Yeah, that's gonna get me murdered and then a couple months later I'll try it again For some reason you just change one word and it's fantastic, you know

It's just that one word one thing. I know yeah, wait. What's the hardest you've ever bombed and you've been hated just how many times Yeah, how many I would love a good bomb one of you offended the most worried the line you just saw all the murder once What this I know this is a weird story, so I'm starting out in Canada How hard if you bought I saw the murder But it includes me bombing, okay So I'm probably two years in and I go to this little town Penticton and the week before I was there Our retaining wall had fallen on a lady while she was gardening and killed her and I just like that's murder for sure

You know, I've seen a couple murder shows and I know murder so I go on stage that late and I say hey How about that that lady that was murdered by her husband while she was gardening and somebody screams out? That was my sister like that This is this is within the week of the lady being killed Like so for you so in my head now. I'm like why was her sister out at comedy three days? being murdered right so So I didn't figure it out a short grief period. Yeah, like I'm over it. Let's go So I can't recover because people are just the mumbling, you know, it's like one of those town hall meetings on a cartoon

How do we do torches come up, you know, yeah, so I don't I can't recover I don't know. This is like I was the only time I've ever done a walk-off stage I'm like good night and walk off stage and this is three years into my yeah I went back probably ten years later and did a show there and in that time her husband and put in jail for murder Wow Getting the insurance money and running off with his secretary. So I went on so he did have he did it. Yeah collapse Yeah, so he had he set it up. So she was up. Yeah, so she was killed by the retaining wall

There's an idea By the way, I tried just to get her garden to talk I tried to make a joke is when you talk about things that you're like, oh, I tried to do a bit about being questioned for a murder And it never got last It was a guy that rented our office Had died in the office and they were like the smell was like rotting the building But yeah, we had moved out of the office, but still had our name on the lease. No something after you Well, when I talked to the LAPD about it

I go because they had called and I was like I had suggested something about him dying And they were like, well, how do you know that and I was like, no, I'm just saying like if he's dead in there Then you know, I'm assuming and they're like, why are you assuming that and I go boy? I don't know man Like I'm just saying not have discovery channels. Everything's a murder show now And then I don't know the guy asked me like a handful of questions So I tried to talk about on the stage every time I bring up people were like really. Yeah. Yeah, do you know Brian Erwin? He's found like six or seven bodies His neighbor across the street somebody were there and they're walking into a house. He's he's got all sorts of dead body stories

He's a yeah, you should bring them on and make them tell stories about dead people like six or seven like a ton like I guess that's six or seven if you wait him up. That's a ton Yeah, that's true Yeah, I found another body in the field that one time with his head split open, but he was alive That's not a body. That's a person. Yeah But I I sat on him and he took him out. You're not gonna make it through this. I'm gonna call him Where did you find a guy in a field? So we had driven by the field and I Was with my sister and she was like you see something. We'd it was a one-way streets. We had to go back around

Is this an LA? No, this is in Florida off and in the field and what happened was course what she had seen was a light That when we got closer, it was a motorcycle laying on its side in grass and the light was coming a headlight was still on and then like 20 yards away the guy was there, but he was out at first. We thought he was dead, right? And then when I I went up to him. I was so scared. You don't realize I was 22 or three I go I touch him like this. I go sir Sir, I just I touch him here and as I touch him like three times. I just hear I was like, oh fuck

I go you're in an accident. I'm like, I'm not speaking, you know coherently right? Yeah She screamed I go you just call 911 and as he sits up his head flaps open because he wasn't wearing a helmet Of course through Florida. Yeah, and then and then I was like, you're gonna be fine And they met a vacuum and they had a helicopter in the field and did he survive? Yeah, he did because they sent me a subpoena to appear in his DIY case. What through that in the trash, right? Yeah, no doubt. Yeah, why would they get subpoena you because I was a witness to the know you weren't aftermath I guess you were not a witness you were you were you were like one of those guys looking for change on the beach Yeah, the body. Yeah, that was it. Oh, we've had a couple. We've had a couple on our beach because we live

So one of them one of them was they have to move sand sometimes on our beach and put it So there's a berm for the waves and some truck driver Just some girl was lying on the beat I've heard of this happening before yeah, so she's like sleeping on the beach. Yeah, she's like on a towel Yeah, and he's like Nobody's gonna be on the beach bump bump just and you know just kind of pushes her into the ground a couple times more times Anyways, and the best one is this is the best one. So I'm in The best is for sure

That's my worst fear when we lived in redondo because I would lay out on the beach and not every time I see these motherfuckers roll I was I would sit up and be like nope. You don't know they fucking see you got to go You got to go where there's no tire tracks. That's the first thing like a lot so that and be near other people Right here. Look on this screen Oh Straight into a gutter isn't that from a movie isn't that isn't that the clown movie? This isn't this is a security camera And then they have to take I mean Right in the gutter almost your cooch for a second. They have to take apart this entire sidewalk

Just to get her out to fuck her as a group I Is that from a website called topics gangbangers in the world You guys ready they pull around Still got a helmet on it's time So we had an I don't know how we got onto this now so one more our morning I'm in Indianapolis doing radio Bob and Tom. I'm out there for of course lovely times and And my phone comes across was a message. Hey, I found a body on the beach

Running Lake got to get coffee talk to you later. That's for my wife. That's for my wife She my dog was barking at a guy that washed up on on the thing and she went out and found them. Holy shit But my wife so nice. She's like I sat there beside him until the ambulance came because I didn't want him to be alone Playing way over my head we're getting run over though by the truck is Like I'm just gonna take some yeah take some time to myself to lay in the sun. I'm just gonna get out and get some vitamin dump truck I knew it and I fucking knew it, but let me ask you this all right on a real level because Canadians are known for being Super nice some right. It's like the nice thing. It's like being Midwestern or something. Hmm. How did you get? How did you hone this like just you zero in on exactly what sucks so precisely and you're

You're very I don't want to use the word mean. I don't like mean cuz I don't think so, but but yeah, how do you get to be from like? Canadian to well, honestly the town I grew up in is very much like that You're northern BC northern bees terrorist British Columbia and by the way you guys are popular everywhere people that I know I Love I love I've always told you that yeah, thank you. It's fantastic favorite. I've never really been I mean you obviously you fly over Victoria Island and you you know, I've spent a lot I mean for a comic touring. I feel like that's one of my well You sell a huge amount of tickets up there. Don't you I do now, but I'm saying early on even before that when it takes your favorite place

Speaking of you hit me up that night that night. You're like what happened. I'm like you okay Yeah, cuz it was like, you know, this is like before Trending would really take off and people were still like you got to see this guy Bob like people were But I always loved Vancouver Vancouver to that BC vibe I could live in Vancouver I think you'd want to live just outside of Vancouver Vancouver like It's great, but if you got a little bit outside, yeah, you would like it even more. I believe it Yeah, what is this? So you mean to everybody that is in the town that you're from No, I'm telling you Canadians Canadians are very

Servic or what it would you get to know them? That's true. Yeah deep down They're fucking cuz my friend Shane who was on road rolls with me. We're still bros and we text and man He just gets right to it too. Yeah, he wants to zero in it's a little bit It's and I get in trouble every so often for it if you don't tell the truth You're a fucking asshole. Yeah, if you don't you don't bullshit someone, you know You let him know you let him know how it is. Yeah, you let him know how it is That's that you know like that feels very Canadian to you

Yeah, to me to me Canadian is letting it let in it fly right there and then the person going oh, yeah, okay Yeah, you know we're sometimes now It's you tell them and they're hurt for eight years even though they're the scam artist, right? You know, it doesn't make sense. So I feel like the being that straightforward like that is not American no Like no bullshit me. Yeah, tell me that you like me. Yeah, even though you don't tell me that you're gonna give me something And then never talk to me again You know that big Canadian we're a fan of on the show

Today we're gonna make Johnny nipples Canadian poutine fries. Yeah, our poutine fries. Well poutine fries are basically your fries cheese and great appetite Yeah, my uncle Bowdoin There's gonna be a bit of a change to the recipe everybody likes to change the recipe up. These ones are gonna have fries cheese Pig shit It was I was fine with it then it just took a turn for no reason the turn hasn't started yet

God oh, it's happening dog bowl course Fuck me he's got a dick cage. I never know you're never know when a lion's gonna try to take that Babin oh actually now I remember this is the original recipe for I Everton Canadian mr. Rogers The main ingredient I mean look at the timing on him. Yeah

Oh The timing it's good timing right like that's what you're Gonna get worse right oh fuck he's gonna ruin what What is he eating? Before that that's true. Is he like is that grass and fiber like well, he's vegan He's a really healthy guy. He's just kind of cooks us up special occasions. The worst is that he actually takes a bite Anyways dig right in for us when we think of Canada, this is where I'm gonna be honest with you. He's probably got a cooking show

Johnny Johnny fake bra, I'm gonna hold on interesting that you say that in that Americans are not comfortable with that much realness I think you're right. I think there's something I think you're right But you guys are like the fact that you can show that you're fine with real we are but I think the audience at large I would make like a You know like hit the Midwest and maybe the South. How do you do in the South? You know, it's I I do Now I've seemed I'm able to get them to come to my game Right, so that's that's the thing that this is been for me. I haven't been able to Build this huge

Following so I've been able to take people that have never seen me before and want to get on the ride You know every so often there's a couple people that don't want to go on the ride and I'm always confused by them I'm like so you either you've either watched what I've done Shown up and then been shocked that I'm doing what you watch that I do right or you were fine with going to something without knowing What it was and then being offended by that it was something that you didn't want to see right? So the second one's even crazier because you think you would be researching if you're like I need this window and this window only you would research. I love that mother fuck the analogy that people make for that with bands when you're Like I'm not gonna look at who's playing tonight, but I'm gonna show up and it's not the music

I like I'm gonna be pissed about I'm gonna stay in The weirdest thing and I'm gonna scowl at you and heckle you and then I'm gonna complain At the end. Yeah, I'm gonna eat the whole burger and then say it was shit Yeah, my god, I can barely eat that whole burger leave a comment card, too These they used to then they gave them there was a minute where the funny bones were giving select audience members a digital Glowing in the middle and they're like what do you think the comedian the material the feature the food the lighting and have them rate

I'm like, why are you doing the comedians were a very little thing? Yes, it was more about the food and yeah, yeah, and by the parking was the parking convenient for you Yeah, were you able to walk quick enough to the club you like our beer selection you yeah other beers on here an eight-hour Research thing during your show. Yeah, and then like to press question 26. Do you like the comedy thing? No, it's fine. It's fine, but you would come back and eat you like comedy. Yeah. No, how about just restaurants? Okay, good if we were just a restaurant I've always said from like the time I started doing stand-up and figuring out comedy clubs The biggest thing that is the pain in the ass for comedy clubs is comedians

They would they hate comedians and everything like it's Have you like the if you go ten minutes over they start losing their shit. I'm like They're here to see me Funny bones like oh, who's that guy talking? Yeah. Yeah, cuz it fucks up there The this the ticket drop sorry that the bill drop right you went to then they could have that's ten minutes They could have sold more drinks right and you sabotage it's like it's so horrible You think you would just be going you would be trying to figure out especially in these days and times you would just have it

So you could keep ordering it so your bill would go automatically on to your credit card and you'd be No, they have to come and drop it Loudly, yeah, they don't even like I remember I worked. I don't want to give the club. There's a club We had mentioned it. Well, I had to tell them probably is that anyway. Yeah, that's probably dead And when was the last time you two played a club? Yeah, I don't really want to say it, but it was in Baltimore It doesn't exist. Yeah, but we were we're more I'm on stage and They have a door between the showroom in the kitchen. They prop it open So during the show here, Melissa

Melissa You going hey, are you gonna come over on Saturday? I'm like, hey, man. Hey, like do you want to shut that or just lower? And they're like for what? I'm like cuz there's a show going on. I'm sorry Tom We're not gonna have you back turns out you treat our staff bad. Yeah What about where's Melissa? She's still here. No, she quit because of you because of me Yeah, what about the club that would have the bar in the back of the showroom and then they would run blending ding ding blended drinks Dakar anything

Where was it was that was that was was that in Baltimore as well? I never did Baltimore Baltimore had a club that had You paid twenty seven dollars or something like that and you got unlimited drinks. That's good And it was and they'd have three shows so like Unlimited drinks at 11 p.m. Just like you've been you've been pre-gaming now you get to really get into it I'll have 64 daiquiris Like it was just so violent I did like a rock club Basically a music venue. It's like they'll convert for for comedy sometimes. Tell me more about the success you have

And they had in like in between like the two they have a around the venue Complete like square bar that goes all the way around the interior. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah for a music show. You're like, it's perfect So the guy goes look we got this bar. It's it's what we do here We're a bar and we you're here disrupting the bar, but We're gonna have the bar open to the moment the show starts if you're cool with it we'd like to keep it open during the show and You know what we'll really keep it that won't be disruptive, but it would really we would really like that So I go, okay, like if you're saying it won't disrupt the show then let's do it

So we do the first show and it's just like it's like it's like Like it's like it's so loud and so dishwashers in there as well. Oh my god And then and of course people be like, hey man, where's that tequila? I like you just yelling at it. So show is over and I go hey for this second show We're gonna shut down that bar. He goes really and I go. Yeah, cuz that's what I was listening to For the whole show And then then you just during that show by the way was perfect But as I would look out because the bar is still backlit. I could see bartenders looking like somber

Like like they just put them to sleep. Yeah, and they were Where was that that was I don't know Canada's been nothing but lovely for me. Who do who who produces your shows up in Canada? Who's your production people? I don't remember you don't remember you don't have to stop my head No, no, I'll stop my head again. Do you do just for laughs or they don't they don't they've done a bunch of the shows They haven't done all the shows. Oh, I see. So they've done like because they do they do a good job. They do a good job Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, I mean wait, you know, my favorite club is it's

I don't want to say the name but it's in the middle of the country and on a Saturday night when in the middle of your set you hear He I wasn't there in the middle of summer I was there. I was like in the middle of winter. I'm like, is that a is that a is that a race track across the street? And they're like, yeah, but it's only for like the next 30 minutes and then it's done It's a man and then and then 45 minutes after that another My Peoria experience was Here's my experience Hey, do you want to do pure I'd love to I don't look on a map. We'll see where it is

Somebody tells me just rent a car when you get to Chicago and drive there not knowing it's four hours away So I drive I've drive to Peoria and nobody shows up. It's empty like empty and there's a strip club right next door Yeah, that's my favorite part. Yeah on my fourth show directly next to Directly next I'm like on my fourth show. I'm like, there's not enough people here to do stand up I'm taking you all the strip club. So so like 30 of us go to the strip club It's got less people than I do and I've never felt such success in my life. If if pussy can't win I Won this game. Remember that Cleveland improv. Oh, yeah, door to a massive strip club wasn't in a male strip club

No, but it was like a mega strip club. There was cuz I remember that I got I got Bude because a stripper what in Cleveland? Yeah stripper died on on the job on the job now where yeah, and I made some like just throwaway joke about like her dying What she did best or love what she's doing and she died doing what she yeah Yeah, something like that, you know because she had I think she went for like some acrobatic thing and fell From the second story. I thought she meant she OD'd you really like she did something. No, she did like a trick And she oh and hearted or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, so I said something about like, you know, don't worry You know, there's not gonna be any stripper deaths something like that and they were just like no

I was like, oh, you guys have a lot of heart for the place next door That Cleveland improv was always the most I remember I remember like the first time I went there I'm like, who did you guys say was playing here? Yeah, cuz this doesn't seem like they're here for me and then it turned out to be fantastic I was like this is am I filling in for somebody because I think you forgot to take down a poster of somebody. Yeah Well, I remember I was like the only white girl on the whole year Calendar and I was like

Like Denver improv was like that too. Yeah, you know, if you did the it's way more My first show in that Cleveland. I had a prostitute and the pimp or is it thrown out? There was a guy knows it was a hooker and the client were thrown out of my show And they had the he had the Bluetooth in and I could see in Cleveland and Cleveland or hooker and John I had a guy arrested at my first Cleveland show because and this was amazing. Was there cops in that? Yeah, there's a cop there 24, but they called more cops for this. No way So one of the more than one one of the items on the menu was this is so amazing and I'm not exaggerating this It was like one pound of chicken wings whoo, right? And it was the that was the order

Mm-hmm the guy orders it market price market price eats it and then goes that wasn't a pound They're like what he's like that one the pound and they're like well you ate like a pound a pound Yeah, he's like there's no way he starts asking him if that was the pre frozen weight And they're like look man, right? He's like why I'm not paying for it because that's false advertising I'm with them and they're like you you or you ordered it and you ate most of it And so he goes no no no so they go into the the lobby area there where the bar was mm-hmm and they go hey man The police you know there was a police officer there they bring in another police officer and they go here's here's what it is I understand what you're saying

I understand about the advertising and I understand about you know what you think it weighed You either got to pay this or you got to go to you're gonna go to jail when he goes like this How how much for $7.99? Yeah Yeah, oh my god good thing ate well before I go to jail and by the way that's my first time in Cleveland Week It's so bizarre that that area where the improv is and that strip club is yeah is It's you can tell bodies have been found like it's so bizarre It's just like oh this isn't it's like a scene out of a horrible movie

And then you go up to a hilarity's and you're like Rainbows and lollipops it doesn't make sense at all and I so for long time I was managed by a company who I won't say the name of but I wasn't allowed to do hilarities and one time I did walk by and I was like wait a minute There's another club in Cleveland. I can be doing that And I canceled on the other one and they were like just don't go to hilarities He'll be so mad the owner of the Cleveland improv. All right shit. So for years. I still haven't done hilarity's sweetest guy Yeah, you got to do hilarities

Do anything right now Okay, what's his name that you remember the owner Nick Nick? Yeah, Nick would like hope it's like he's an older guy And he'd like do that thing where he touches your face. He's like do you eat yet? He's concerned about it. He's like he gives you gifts bring him bring him something to eat and you're like, I'm fine He's like no, we want salmon or steak or something like dude. Yeah, and then he's very much like Mike Lacey I didn't know that. Yes. He is like You gotta have some food you gotta run away and watch his hands Nick Back in the day was boxed. Oh, you can tell. Yeah, and I went up to him one time and going this dude box

But like guys who really boxed they have an instinctive reaction to that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and so I went like this He fucking jab me And he built like a brick shithouse. Yeah. Yeah, you're just like yeah I was like, he's like, well, don't do it. You freaked me. You scared me when you did that You're part of that whole fighting group aren't you you guys are fighting now No, you're shooting guns. That's what you do That's so true. I couldn't remember I see I always like I don't do jiu-jitsu, but I do I do box twice week now Oh, you do box. Yeah, I box for a long time and I was like, oh, I'm not going to the Olympics

Yeah, you know, I was I do stand up and being punched in the head. Yeah good for it. I've only sparred twice Yeah, and I don't I just do the training. Yeah, it's a training's fun. The training's fun and I'm not you know It's just yeah, I remember growing up in Canada playing hockey the way you learn how to fight was grab onto a guy's shoulder Pull him towards you and punch the you guys. That's that's it real savage. That's it hockey fights Yeah, there's a there's a have you ever heard a podcast called spitting chiclets? No, it's a it's a hockey podcast got Canadian guy two American guys on it. It's hilarious It's absolutely hilarious and the one guy listens to you guys and just absolutely Paul Bisson it big fan of you guys Really? It's absolutely hilarious. Yeah, this is a bar stool. It is a bar stool and it's it is

Chiklitz and it's it's funny for everybody. There's just so goofy. It's just it if it's the closest thing you'll ever be in into a Being in locker room. Okay. Are these guys former players? Yeah former NHL players. Oh, wow, and then just really I Think when you say Canadians very funny like just naturally funny people and Americans that play hockey are very much the same way I will say funny this for the most part of all the pro athletes I've met like touring and everything and they come to shows the most like down earth who I wouldn't know who any of them are

Have been NHL and major league baseball players like they've always like when they come to shows How did you get major league baseball players at a church? These guys they come in and like they're so assuming and they don't ask for anything like it's different like I've also met other athletes that are different No, they just like it's a they let you know. They're there. I'm saying yeah, some some athletes, too You but in in hockey and baseball. No, they want to have fun. They just have don't mention to you at the end Yeah, like are you in a club league? Yeah We had that King that beat his girl that lay down the street from us for oh right on our street the Russian kid

Yeah, dude, that's right back in the yeah, yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, the wildest house because it was all these traditional houses And then he had like a fuck palace. He was very Russian Windows on the front door that go into the backyard. So like you can see through his house You know, I mean waterfalls coming off of like a very sexy I like a pants that itch my pants My pants itch me, you know, I the itch my legs makes it very sexy. Yeah sexy goods There was a misunderstanding my bad. It wasn't it wasn't he said it was a misunderstanding. That's when I that's my favorite type of arrest Oh, well, yeah, well, of course. Yeah, I broke a TV overhead or something like that. I said we're hanging this now

She said we weren't it ended up overhead Yeah, he was he was sent away with shame is he still in the he's in he's in the KHL now He's in over in Russia. Oh, he's probably got a bigger house over there Can I show him my shard video? Oh, yeah, that one's you I believe you Ukrainian Yeah, what language do you think's going on and also tell me if you sent if you think this is an authentic or not I mean definitely Russian. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that's a real log that came out? No, I think he had a ping-pong ball up there And he just shot it out The game's not supposed to start yet

Is that the guy who puts his balls in his butt? No, that's Paris Paris. Yeah, but do you have you ever sharded a log? No, I and and it was a solid log almost broke through his pants. I don't know if you've seen that That was very very that seemed like he had a gun up his ass And it really had some weight to it, you know Launched a cannon. Yeah, I have a 38 that I keep in my asshole All right, that's why you got that kind of material on a couch if you fart like that that is some serious material Pretty sure that's a kidney Yeah, it looks like an organ can you back up can you show show how show how sweaty his armpits are that guy's a mess in every way possible

Look at that. Oh my god. Yeah Right, right. Is that that is that that the Russian guy that was the opposition party leader if he's sweating and shitting his pants He just has a little black socks. You know a couple weeks ago. They just they just poisoned the latest opposition leader That's what they do over there. This is like the 10th time. They're like someone's gaining some momentum. They're like, he's in the hospital He's sick. Yeah, he's really sick. We don't know how this happens, but all these guys get it's weird It's so weird. We're gonna have to check the water. These guys just keep drinking the wrong water. Yeah, all these guys that Um, I have this here. I don't know. I haven't seen this video, but um, it seems like it could be uh, interesting. Let's see here Don't talk to me that way. You broke my fucking heart

What happened to you? I can do whatever I want until I care about you, you fuck Or what the fuck are you doing, face? Shut the fuck up and sit back down before I sit you down We're doing what you think I can fucking put you down in your ass right now Geez. Oh my god. That is a hell of a way to wear a sweater I thought he was talking to a statue or first I'm like, oh another crazy. It's such an aggressive Uh way to start. He's like, fuck you. I love you. Yeah. Well, that's actually that's uh Pretty sure he played for the kings Bitch

I mean, that's awesome. I used to have this roommate when I first moved out He was from Canada Kelly Dixon and he used to say the funniest things That's one of those mean gay guys. You can just tell he just fucking just really mean It's just like the gays But haven't you want to haven't you ever wanted to break up with somebody like that like I fucking love you piece of shit Yeah, I can't you can't get away from that You son of a bitch. Yeah, I feel like I want to break up with people. Hey, man. I'm having coffee with my mom What the hell that would be so brutal a hell of a way to out you. Yeah

I don't know who that is. Well Sonny sucker dick. I love there's another thing about Canada. How great they are. They're just like, hey We've got a disease going on everybody start using glory holes. Yes. Is that right? I saw that. Yeah. Oh, that's how great candidates look You've all thought about it. It's go time go time and we're putting them we're putting them in parks in parks They did that's wonderful. Yeah, that's so progressive advocating it Um, do you ever do sweet like playful things with your lady like pillow fight you would do that? Oh, yeah, who doesn't I just once you walks in the door you just crank or it in this place with it This might be a footage this might be footage of you

Yeah Oh You know what the sad part is it's the opposite with us. Yeah, she is so she grew up with brothers So she's just vicious. You just she knows how to throw an elbow. You're like, what the hell? I didn't even know I had that she just like that's all right You're like, oh, this dude's big. Yeah, he's he's not a small guy He fucked her up. I like I like the way that she's yelling. Okay, okay Like they don't have a safe word. Yeah

You need a safe word if you're gonna play that game and he's got the hood up like he's like, you know what? I am definitely gonna murder you. I'm gonna kill you and leave. Is he huge or is that a tiny apartment? Yeah, because his head is like above the Like the the the ceiling line like the sea but also look at the floor the floor is like a stage. Yeah, that's true Yeah, what a dick trying to I feel like he hit it really hard. He did hit it really hard and his his torso is much shorter than his legs He's not equally that's true. He's got midget body with Torah like normal legs Jesus Christ Jesus Why bring him into this? By the way, nice yellow very impressive yellow

We have a message from somebody to mark zuckerberg the uh, CEO of facebook. I don't know what it is, but I think we should watch it. Let's do it It's me again. Uh, just to let you know facebook. I'm getting fucking tired of it. You're fucking fat checkers. Mother fuckers I ain't mark zuckerberg That's it. I want you. You keep fucking up mark zuckerberg zuckerberg. I promise you I won't be alone at facebook Oh, I won't be alone Oh, that's my cup of coffee. I'm fucking bullshitting. I'm doing another video to show you mark zuckerberg I ain't fucking playing now mark zuckerberg. It's a fair morning

Please you need to get on your shit. Okay. This is america freedom Okay, I I have to fight for my mother fucking freedom. I will fight your bitch ass Mark zuckerberg the real uh southern tell to when you keep repeating the name of the person Let me tell you something in bag Fantastic in bag I got a problem with you in bag. That's because I have to remember who they're talking to By the way, his brace is it's time for them to come off because they are not working He's doing a boat as much with his teeth as his paint is doing with that ceiling

And there's writing all over the ceiling by the way, that's beautiful mind shit Oh Okay, I'm tired of the bullshit. You're not gonna see here and keep fucking with my facebook account. You understand? I like that. He thinks like the way to resolve this is directly to the ceo of like an enormous corporate Like you have a probably account. Who's the ceo of this company? Let me send a video message to him He might he might want to see the manager before yeah, yeah There's probably a few steps between your facebook account and zuckerberg. I'm guessing which eye do you think is real? Over here

Also, is he in a shed? Like what is this? That's the penthouse That's the top floor of that last building. Have you never been to like uh, st. Regis? That's true He should not have a fan in the on the ceiling The fuck I want to post but that bullshit talking about that one photo of that woman and whatnot. I posted The first of all they show no tits and it show no pussy And it show her Crucially enough. No always showing us her butt and her leaning against the wall and you tell me So fuck you. I'm coming for you now, bitch. You know, I kind of agree with him. Yeah

Ain't no tits. Ain't no pussy. Just a butt against the wall What's the big deal and he he also thinks that mark is just flagging photos on his own Which is a good sign that he's just like mark's like all day. Would this guy post? No I had an incident with facebook not too long ago. Did you? Yes. Can I tell you mark zuckerberg? I'm coming for you. Let me tell you this. I believe it's zuckerberg. Well, I'll tell you I go with mark That's the way I want to talk to him. Let me tell you something soggy Uh, I posted a photo

Uh, I somebody I wasn't mine. I just seen it. It was a grandpa lying on a on a um, lawn chair And he looked like roger stone and his nuts were hanging out of his shorts So I said free roger stone stones and put it on 30 days detention Yeah, mark zuckerberg Wow It's a fair warning fair warn about but did you make a video personally addressing mark zuckerberg? They're more audio than video. You know, they um, they have because they own instagram. They have Such a weird set of rules that are inconsistent across both platforms

And then they you know, they get dragged as they should for being like, we're not going to fact check Any political claims and like by so we'll just let that fly but Yeah, I I did uh, I reposted the people do these deep fakes. Well, they'll put like your face. Yeah So this instagram user uh, june 1 none, you know, he does great master. He does great. I uh Deep fakes and he did one of me on this pimp this dude named white folks And he threw my face on there and they instagram messaged my agency It was like we're going to delete this account if um, if this isn't taken down And I bet you if you go to june 1 none that

He does me as vicky. It's still there If you go to his account, um like so there's the second one he did of me in the middle He did that one right there, but the other one the one he did before that Is um, I'm not sure if it's still up. Is it gone? Yeah, he's gone too. I didn't see that one the finger one. He does me as that vicky girl Yeah, so it they took it off at his too and it was just because it was the guy saying, um Like oh, there it is. There it is. There it is. That's the one that's the one that he took that they told me it had to take down Yeah

Not this guy, but is that who complained is that who complained No, white folks didn't complain who instagram Just messaged us and said like you're inciting violence with this with that Oh man, they might want to see there are some of the stuff they're posting. They're actually posting this inciting violence Oh, I know um, and by the way, this so there's two white folks, right? So then the other thing was another guy Is it because it's white folks? I don't know. This is uh, this is white folks right here. By the way, so yeah This dude messaged me that he'll come on the podcast

This is this guy. No, no. Oh, I was like this guy Oh, yeah, he's great He's missing a propeller off that head He's hilarious. What did he say was on the ground? He said he's he dropped something and she said what I dropped He goes your man is don't you talk to white folks like that Ah He's but he said he'd come on the podcast, but I just yeah, I just from a distance I reposted

That video of him being like, you know, don't disrespect my niece Whatever he threw me on and instagram was like, we'll delete your account if you don't delete this I get a Some a lot of those fake ones though, too. So you got to be careful. You're not getting the fake ones They sent a lot. Yeah. No, this was like by the way. I love I love one there Roger from facebook at gmail.com. Oh, yeah You're like Yeah, no, I get the spam ones too. I get this but this one was like through multiple channels and they were like

They're like you can't incite violence. So I was like, what are you talking about, man? Tom does not incite violence. You have to refer yourself in third person like Yeah I love it. He likes this. He's having a good time today. He's enjoying the show studio tea. I'm enjoying the show too What are you guys going to do my show? Oh Put me on the show. Well, you got I want you guys it's called around the bag And what I do is I do Three guests and they vie to become my best friend for the week

So what you do is you just answer questions in a game show format and then you and I get points away And and then you choose the best friend. Yeah, I choose the best friend You get to be my bff for the week. That's a really good concept It's a fantastic concept that I started as soon as the world shut down I was like, I need something to do. So I did I did 56 of them from march until you've been serious Yeah, and then I'd like I'm doing once a week now and we're going to try to make this popular So if people could watch it, I appreciate it on youtube right now It's on youtube and it's on my facebook and it's on i'm on twitch now. What's it called again? It's called around the bag

Around the like around the horn. Yeah around the horn. It's basically the same style But it's goofy and I give away points from minus 50 to a billion. Oh, that's yeah And then uh, sometimes I just say no, that's the wrong answer and give them the right answer All right, we'll do your show. I want your show. Oh, there he is right there. Yeah, you look great Yeah, I look like an idiot Yeah, play that that would be awesome. I'm gonna play that. Okay. Yeah, that's playing. You got Jim Gaffigan on Bag and it's time for around the bag get your family get your friends get around the computer. It all begins I'm not usually that good

Yeah, but I like it. There's a promo in there if you can find the promo That's good. If you can find the promo we can play that and maybe play it again all the people in there Did you see there's a by the way? Thank you for everything nice you guys say about me Yeah, you guys like I get all the time. Tom and Christina said that we should listen to or listen to anything without your phone That's I'm like, y'all that's so we love you in bag channel. Why don't you guys subscribe to Ian bags channel? Yeah, BA GG. Look at that. There he is. There it is. Support your canadiens bag on From terris You guys should get the spitting chiclet guys on here too. Yeah, yeah, that'd be great for sure. Yeah

Can we do some tiktoks, please? Oh, yeah, well first I want to see who this guy is because this is a folder a guy like this is worth examining I think just in the name of this. So let's see what he's like. Do you need glasses? I have got glasses, but how do you wear them? Funny enough, since I've had my eyes inked I can see me phone better Yeah, but how do you put your glasses if you've no ears? Yeah, whereas I ain't got my glasses on me, but yeah, what those are for here is to all be glasses on I'd always have to wear wear wear point to those again So that's like a pin

And coming up after the break tom segura from the funny bone I wish how do you follow the guy transforming into a parrot? It's awesome. Good for him. Wow This guy was just like, you know what my personality as is is not cutting it in this world. So, um, I'm gonna become an animal I'm gonna just which one of those wasn't enough like which thing wasn't enough for people staring at you. Yeah Oh, good for him though spikes in your forehand. I do like that that somebody like this I think this guy has the personality just from that clip I can tell where if somebody goes like hey, hey, what's going on? He wants to engage like he wants to talk which is so much better than the person who goes who does this and is like

Why is everyone looking at me? Yes, right like the defensive like what are you looking at god? I'm just a guy dressed like a parrot. He wants to talk to you Facial tense. We're getting a close-up of your nose there. You're gonna have your nose taken off Yeah, well, I'm gonna have done. I want it shaped like a beak. Yeah That's cool. I mean look At least he likes something. I don't know. I mean if everyone's got something Yeah, they're like How do you approach them are cool

Can you teach him to repeat that you want a cracker Throw some seed at him. Hey, I was just trying to say hi See there's lots of people that have noses like beaks and they would try and get them shaped the other way Why would you want to actually have your nose made more pronounced? I'm crazy because if he's like like that Okay We're gonna go ahead and call Medical services to pick up this guest. Which of those birds are you fucking? Do you think it goes that deep?

Absolutely, you don't go you don't go like that if you're not molesting a bird Like there's there's no way I just I just enjoy the way they look. No. No He's fucking those birds. They like it Have you ever seen an owl when they pick up the like the feathers and they got really long legs It's fucking hilarious. Let me see. Uh, find an owl with his legs. I just like hanging out. Oh, yeah See that one in the corner That's so funny. I never thought of that. Yeah. Yeah, it's just a dress. Did you ever fucking owl? I would if I was dressed like that gay All right, jean, here you go

For me So, uh, Ian are you on the talk? Did you take talk? I'm I am just just started and what's your handle bad at it Ian bag Ian bag. Yeah, it's tough. I'm I'm at the water champ, but I don't produce much content Yeah, but it's really important to give him, um, sort of a heads up on what's about to happen Uh-oh, maybe I shouldn't have said it. No, I'm not on it. No, no, no, that's not gonna happen Okay, what's gonna happen is that Christina has a very particular set of skills And her skills are that she has found a way into the tiktok portal to find the hidden talks The dark talks the talks that tiktok doesn't want you to see

See outliers. Here you go. You know a lot of people do. Oh, we had a birthday party Dance uh-huh after birthday party Yeah, yeah, this is this is Christina's lane. Here we go I feel okay. Just I had problem in my head because of my upper a torii respiratory inspection That's all I have and my headache I feel fine But I have like four different people calling me because I had the corona virus She thinks she's on a fucking phone call right now. That's what I have to take it

Is that I need put on repertoire one person told me uh, I'm gonna die. I don't want much longer to live Then I get another person Is that I need she thinks she's on a phone One that I need to be put on the repertoire. Um, she I'm gonna call my doctor today find out the truth. I'll call you back She doesn't know that she posted this This is my favorite kind of talk when they don't know how to use it She may call a doctor, but she's never called a dentist

There's people sometimes that post things like Gina, I love you. I want you to take me back and you're like, this is a public platform Like just send Gina A lot of people think I got the old uh, corona virus I People she thought that when she just kept going to anyway, I don't know why Jerry doesn't talk to me anymore Just kept on going. He's he's not moving on his end. I'll just keep telling him stuff And then the doctor said then mom put me on the respiratory

The paratory the respiratory. She's she's very active on that. Did you just pee on the floor? Oh boy Jenna was this you? Bad girl, you know better than that you pee outside Did you do this? Come here right now Jenna Come here Bad girl. Come on into your cage. Nope. You know, you know, you know better than that. You stay in your cage

You don't pee in the floor you pee outside. Okay You sit in your cage and think about what you did Bad girl. So this girl I've never wanted to fuck a dog before Right Hugely successful. She's a dog really this cosplayer and she pretends to be a puppy And I think I may have put one other one in there. Can I mention she's not putting an effort into it Did you see the last guy being a parrot? Exactly she's got to get a freaking little bit going

That's true. And where's his ticked on the count because I would sign up for that shit to see him Just him him on one of those posts bars and like eating sunflowers This chick makes six figures a month doing this. Good for her Would she make that kind of money if she was wearing a big baggy outfit? No, the fact that you can see her lips through her pants probably helps a lot So I had to mention it's all right. Let's see. So here she is eating dog food Oh She makes over $200,000. How do we know only fans posting videos of herself good for her

Daddy's gonna be bad She pretends to be a dog. She eats dog food off the floor She plays fetch with herself and frolics around just like a pet dog But it's do we ever get to see somebody like fuck the dog or I don't I'm not on tiktok I'm sure I'm only fans. She makes this kind of money just doing this That's really upsetting Again, her life is ruined. Like what do you do after your jenna the dog girl? I don't know jenna the dog lady. Yeah, like your life is only you need to investigate that. Is that pure bread?

Some more of christina's famous talks here we go Come on Here are some of my favorite white people phrases give it to us first up. We have You're on thin ice buddy Next we have Get a load of this guy Followed by for crying out loud And of course we can't forget

You're darn tootin And of course brother And finally You're right. Who's ready to rock and roll? That's good. That is true. I haven't got doing that. That's a real cracker phrase. Is he is he dressed amish on purpose? He just does his videos very early in the morning. Is that what it is? Yeah, bad shaver. Now last week. Oh, hi I'm Angie. Um

So I'm here on tiktok kind of a little nervous Which is ironic, but whatever So I join you guys because well I am a 24 seven 365 days a year bdsm slave Yes, you heard me correct. And yes, I know you legally can't do that People in the bdsm lifestyle we have to hide um

I've pretty much been Ousted from the fam for what I'm doing And that's okay. That's okay. You know give them time, right? But being proud of what we are and who we are is really important I got through the barrier of announcing I was bisexual. I'll get through the barrier of announcing. I practice bdsm I also live it as my lifestyle and if you guys want to find anything out just ask but I have a hood to put on night She should keep the hood on

We're gonna be honest with you Probably a lot more people check in that video She looks like a lot of athletic trainers and people that work in the athletic department and Some of the bigger high schools and some of the division three colleges. Yeah Let's be honest. You didn't really have to come out of the closet I Love the Huey Lewis in the news haircut That's so true. She's like I came out as bisexual or like

Just keep going Samantha Oh my god, that is a mask My day starts right here. I crawl out my day And I have my routines every day and my schedule that was approved by my owner and Yeah, it's pretty awesome. By the way, let me just say this If if you're related to her devastating to watch this you're like it is so sad what has happened to Erica This is not at all what you want for somebody you care about like I crawled out of my cage and I have my

I have to let I lick my pits to keep them clean and then my slave master says to go forward or she's amounted to more Right, right? Like she might have been that one like oh, she's never she's never gonna move out of the house Well, she hasn't so oh, she still lives with her parents. No. No. No, she hasn't amounted to like she has a part-time Gig like transcribing star looks. Yeah, like she just works out of her house because she's not allowed to leave it I've been I did a deep dive wormhole Yeah, that's I just don't I don't I don't know I never understand people's compulsion to be out with it

Like you you you had a burning desire To let the world know that you're a slave and it's you must be Acknowledged for it. You know, it's just trying to get out. Is she trying to get out? Do you think it's like a little subliminal Right, I don't know if you see me. What's the help me? That's why she took the mask off because nobody's recognized it without the mask My good boy, okay Here we go. Here's another one. You're still in right? You're not tapped out yet. You're still good. You gotta do what you get

to do well Thank you to my friend on tiktok. Tell me to read the big letters. I didn't pay attention to the big letters I just looking at the other one They are wrong what they said Oh, fuck I was born in september. You're fat. I'm not saying the other word Oh It's funny always dancing. They are wrong what they did. Oh my god

I'm I'm not reading the other ones that you're fat. I'm not and I'm not saying what the other word is Okay What happened somebody gave her this she's put her address out. Yeah, so what they do on the talk a lot of these people They like my fans sent me this my fans that sent me that so Oh my god I love it. Oh god. I love that she's making money off it and she was like I got a shirt from a fan That's right That's right. I got a shirt somebody went out of the way like I got you a gift

Do you think she's worn it out? She probably forgot what it said She wore it out first and then that's when they told you you never know what to wear For sure. Finally put your pink hat on But it's my birthday month I'm born in september. I'm born in september. Which means I'm Funny always dancing ready to party Excellent talkative and this is uh, I'm assuming this is the first one right? Yeah, I think it's her

Her wearing that shirt is pretty funny. Look what she but she isn't right She's just normal, right? She's just normal. Yeah, but I mean if you saw that You're probably puke laughing Yeah And then you just overhear her being like Okay But you know what I love is that someone made the f is for fabulous That's not a shirt. Did you just find in every print shop? No

Oh, no No, and somebody she goes she goes somebody said to see the big letter. So somebody obviously saw her was like Nice shirt. She's like, thanks. One of my fans gave it to me and they're like, they're not your fans. Have you read the big letters? Uh, I wish we could do a version of that shirt. Oh we can Good morning ladies. It's six o'clock in the morning. It's time to go to work Get up and let them boobs hang Come on make some videos right when you get out of bed before you put that bra on You have a wonderful day girls. Okay. Do some people think this is a dating

Do they like like they get confused? Hey, maybe yeah, yeah, I mean he's hot It is appealing that if you're if you're a follower of his you're like, oh, I didn't see uh kevin's post But I was I'm gonna make some boob videos now. All right, and you just got a last t-shirt too. Yeah Yeah Yeah, I just thought he was a cool guy and I thought you'd appreciate the cool guy. It's very cool. He's very cool I thought that was good old-fashioned shenanigans. That's awesome. Those are good shenanigans. It's boring Yeah, to do that to any politician is pretty funny, you know, particularly if it were a real somber speech Actually, I remember vividly at cleveland improv one of the first times I played there during a show

a dude in like the second row he was sleeping and then Then he was audibly like during a set up. I was like, uh, he goes, uh, he goes, damn. This dude's put me to sleep Okay, lady, you want to call child tech to service on us? Please do so because this is my younger daughter This is going to be her husband. Oh my god. Let me tell you there's a different age here. She's 18 He's 24. Oh my fucking god And this is her dad. Oh my god. He's black Oh my god, this is her gonna be husband. He's a mexican

And we're a green guy and she's mexican half white and this is her dad by law Because it's he adopted her. So if you don't like it, fuck you call cps. We don't give a fuck Okay, we're gonna need four more of those shirts Oh See it's a good idea to make those and mail them Yeah How does this start? She says we're child equity and services Child

You call child detective service Because this is my daughter. Okay, lady. You want to call child tech to service on us? Detective you want to call child detective service on me? Huh? Why is she making fun of asian people? Child detective Child detective detective Yeah, this is my daughter This is her son

She's got a good mirror She also like had to keep going back. She was like and then like I said, that's that's gonna be her future husband How about the how weird part with his tongue just like I'm gonna lick that pussy Well, the tongue thing is so big right now in the talk If everyone's sticking their tongue then like this these kids love to stick their tongue. We're gonna need more of those shirts There you go. There's that tongue. Yeah, there it is. There's a tongue. I love the tongue. Which those kids with those shirts that love to have their tongue That's very that's very those kids with those shirts I'm not saying what I'm saying

Oh It's me again. Oh, no, um, as you know, I sell workouts So there's no communication I'm not a certified trainer But I do like helping people lose weight And learn how to do it with what I've tried in different exercises. I've done I'm here to help

So you can buy one for 15 bucks Cash at me 15 bucks email me at lion peterson.com. This is quite a lane to be in All that jazz to um, get your workouts you get dreams and um Sorry, I'm not a certified trainer. I just want to help people God bless And peace out. Okay I want to see the workout. I we got to get one of those workouts. We got to get one of those workouts

Are we are we gonna do it? Yeah, of course. I want to see what the workout is autistic workout Oh my god, everybody far far away from each other No touching Oh my god But he's not he's on to something He's on to something if you can get if you can get somebody to work with him. Yeah, that's certified Certified autistic weight loss. Yeah, I mean this is but also I love the Model of like I am not

Someone you should reach out to about this. Yeah, but if you want to send me 15 bucks Yeah, I'll send you a version of what I think you should do Like I Chances are he has no legs either I only work the coat. I only work the upper body Well, the irony is too. I don't know if you've ever researched trainers online They generally don't lie down to do their videos or their advertising like usually it's like trainers No, trainers usually sleep during their videos. Yeah, they're not working out. You're working. You work out. Yeah

He's like, I got this down. I'm gonna coach you you need to get moving. I'm just laying here Big big looks like bigfoot too You remember uh this guy because there's another Family this isn't on your talk. Jesus. This isn't in your talks, but you remember the legendary Okay, I've been on here. I've been polite. I've been kind. I've been honest and sincere Now I'd like to have some right on my lips I would like to have

Tooties around my face I would like to have some sex Okay, why are we whispering? I don't know. There's Rachel Maddow's eyes. Oh, why is it on the other side of the room? I can make a love to you I'd like one of these young men or these little boys They get their cells off and then oops, they don't care about their partner They don't you know? Oh, I'll make you come. I'll make you come Last lady 10 15 times beating down before I even went boom once. Okay

I got crooked nose and make you come so hard You sit on this nose I would still do the sissy of fremont over the other guys got new videos out. You want to see some? Hi out there. I'm not wanting to fall in love Really? Turn your TV up. It happens if it don't it don't I just want to have sex. Oh cool. We got it. We got it. Okay. I mean the way to do it Is to post videos of you doing this. That's the best way to To get your goal. Well, the first time wasn't enough. He needs to reiterate the message over and over and over

We get it dude. You're horny Big little short tall doesn't matter eyes don't matter. I'm gonna fuck you The skin don't matter the race don't matter. There you go. I do not discriminate. We got you and I make love I don't if little boys and teenagers they f I might want to show where the period is on that one sir Not perfect. She can do for me, but what I can do for her. Okay I like tasting that creamy feeling Jesus. Oh But anyway, I'll catch you later. God bless. Bye. Bye. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard

I've actually never heard somebody say that has he got his teeth upside down Um, he puts them in different sometimes he does videos without them, which is most alarming. All right, but yeah I like tasting that creamy feeling. Oh stop I don't want to hear that I remember back in my single days. That was usually my opening line I would walk up to a lady and say I would love to taste some of that creamy filling I make love. I don't if I don't if little boys You do not want to you do not want to have my twitter grammar in there

Hello, oh back again. How you doing? Hope you're having a happy 4th of july tv louder louder. You know, I got thinking about the Kevin costner movie Filled the dreams and he built it He will come The funny he's sexy little ladies would come over here to the house. Yeah, I'd probably come Nice. Oh good smile. These are getting better Yeah, that is a good smile to end that on by the way very appealing. Yeah, isn't this kind of like uh that uh Quote doing the same thing over and over again

Definition of madness. Yeah, he might want to try a different way to get into the house Well, yeah, I was wondering too like this obviously isn't working Uh speak for yourself. Go ahead I wonder Yeah, one on a different approach. I I agree. He keeps doing it and it's like it's not I'm sorry. I'm I can't imagine the things that this guy's putting out there. Like I can't imagine a woman thinking this is okay Anyway, have a good four talking to you later

Just like my dog I'm afraid of fireworks So I turn up my tv and then finally Finally a video where A different message I don't know all these women keep on Breaking my heart and down me wrong very loud from me stealing from me. I mean, it's the same stealing from Maybe I should turn gay That's a good idea because guys respond better to this tactic

And just Go down on them Not No, he got it. He got it That ain't gonna happen. I'm straight. I'm straight America Oh, there's fake boobs and stuff on here. You know a person like me ain't gonna get one of these hot sexy women You know Ain't no way

By the way, thanks for all the thoughts and prayers about my mom. Okay Really good Do you think that's who's watching tv? That's a good question Maybe that's why you can't get lucky Is that is that a trophy behind them? It's an indian. I think the thing to term is first nations or native americans What do you canadians call them? I call them casino owners I call them lovely people but it seems like it's a trophy. Isn't it like why is there?

Yeah, there's a lot. There's a lot of whys whenever we watch any of these These are fantastic. So look, I want to I want to do around the bag Yes, absolutely. I want to uh, I would love to have you guys everybody if you haven't already Purchase and or stream everybody wants some which is out now You can get it anywhere Music and comedies available, you know amazon itunes everywhere and you should also check out conversations Which is on amazon prime And and go see him live when you can oh my god world comes back. That's where it's really wet Tuesday nights

I've started something starting tonight on the 15th. I don't know if I'm doing this right, but uh D piazza pizza and long beach has an outdoor area and 60 people can come watch comedy spread out Tonight, it's going to be me and alfred robles and i'm ed. I'm ed We're gonna spend you doing Tuesday nights. So if you want every Tuesday, you're gonna do every Tuesday night But you have to have a reservation It's it's you know, everybody's bar. It's outside Yep, it's awesome. Yeah, so just small small group if you want to come come do that. That'd be fun You're gonna sneak out and do some stand. Yeah. Yeah tell the people to

I love I'd love to do it. I love you two. You're my favorites. Thanks man way too long. It's been too long and my wife says hi Yeah, we should all we should get together, you know, absolutely And I can't believe how many people listen to you guys. It's it's crazy Everybody's always telling me to get on your show. I've actually been on if you'd listen to the episodes That's been too long though. It's a long time ago. Who cares? I said well, we went they can't listen to the beginning Yeah, that's true. Yeah, and we actually went a long time without guests too. Yeah, we did two years with no guests How did you do that? We just did out of our house. We just did out of our house

And you didn't want anybody coming over. Yeah And we also wanted to like try to build an audience that wasn't guest contingent because we thought we saw that A lot of shows were like, well, I don't have a guest on a show this week. Right. So we tried to like round the bag Yeah, around the bag. There you go. But I you can do it from your own home. That's the great part about it. Everybody does. You guys are talented and I love seeing you. You're all over the place and stand up and just you know Thanks, man. I'm glad that the people keep you grounded by opening bars in the showroom. Yeah, that's very grounding Mm-hmm And uh, look out look out in the mail. I got a t-shirt coming to you

Keep your eyes open You judging me and then someone says something like it's my birthday My fans sent me this All right, our closing song is ball sack music by love sick. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening Bye guys. Hi, mommy. Hello. I am miles parto and I'm going to teach you how to Slap your balls up against your leg Like this They go

First step is They go kind of like this So from the side, this is what I'm doing That's pretty much it Oh I personally think it's pretty funny. Uh, so I don't know about you, but I think it's pretty hard So now I'm going to pass along the information that I know onto all of you so that you can then go for the buddy Okay, so basically first step is

Okay So now I'm going to I mean, I'm not gonna judge you Um, so basically Um Yes, just about it. Um, so just practice that