Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 572 - Chris Distefano - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 7, 2020

SPONSORS: - Go to Squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! - Go to GetQuip.com/MOM to get your first refill FREE! - Get 20% Off and Free Shipping at Manscaped.com/MOM - Go to WHOOP.com and enter “YOURMOM” at checkout to save 15%! - Go to ExpressVPN.com/YOURMOM to get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free! - Go to Talkspace.com or download the app, and use the code YOURMOM to get $100 off your first month! DON'T BE STINGY! Tom Segura and Christina P start off this episode of YMH by discussing their recent trip to Austin, Texas, before watching their opening clip of a cool guy's big booty breakdown. They then review a cool guy application submitted by a mommy lawyer, as well as other listener emails. We find out the mommy army has gotten to the Conspiracy Cool Guy and got him to read some YMH references. Also, Jean and Jean learn they've played his videos before, and revisit a classic song of his. They also watch new Fedsmoker, Dan Pena, and Horrible or Hilarious videos.! Chris Distefano is a stand-up comedian and host of the History Hyenas podcast. He joins the main mommies to share stories about his father, discuss getting over his hypersexuality, and give himself many nicknames. He watches the Conspiracy Cool Guy's Donald Trump Song, some of Dan Pena's classics, and of course Christina's TikTok curations.

Welcome to the greatest podcast you could ever find anywhere on the interwebs. It's your mom's house. I'm Tom She's Christina Christine I'm Todd we have a great show Planned for you. Hey y'all we do have a great show y'all today And you know what they say great shows when rubbing your armpits together and they stink. That's what they say sounds like that Oh, Texas saying we were hey well, we were We were down in Texas

You know y'all hey y'all You know what they say Texas is good for two things queers and stairs, and I don't see no horns coming out of your head. Okay Yeah, it was great. I had a lot of barbecue. I love me some barbecue. Yeah, it was really good food Really nice people really nice, but we're gonna have to start saying y'all now Which is gonna be difficult if we go there again if we go there again There's so many other places to live y'all. You know where I want to check out y'all y'all where why oming? I like why home and take a big open land just be up there with Kanye and friends

Is that where he goes? I didn't know that yeah, he's got a big old ranch up there Goes up there when he's having an episode break down Sounds perfect and other people come visit him and tell him he's fine You know what I really liked about Austin though is they're not hysteria about COVID I like that. They're like I don't wear no fucking mask. Yeah, we're shaking hands, and I was like Handshakes out of the gate Like they go like are you stupid or like that and they shake your hand. Yeah, it's pretty funny You're not a queer yeah, they have the the masks they all have like masks like on their chin. They're like, do you want me to do it I?

Will if you want me to do it Okay, they were like yeah, it was always I guess don't do it and they're like, okay That's what I thought yeah, it was always a dance and there was one particular and we got COVID tested. Yeah next we got back Yeah, super neg Sorry, that's not like a different word didn't mean that to sound that way, but that swab was aggressive Let me tell you that guy swabbed my mind. Yeah, I know you got it was terrible, but we're negative so super negative and Maybe negative. Yeah, there was one guy we were talking to in mom's den and if I'm negative you're negative because

There was one guy who was so close to us who was talking and he was larger heavier gentleman, and he was sweating Oh my god profusiously sweating He was profusiously sweating talking at us, and I was like whoa, bro Yeah, you just know you're a roll homie. He was he was and he was so fired up so far Yeah, and he was he was so worked up that he was like He was working himself out of breath, and then he was making me anxious. Yeah because of how he was just like Okay, okay, okay calm down. He couldn't slow it down. He was just super pumped. He was excited. He was a fan He was excited. I know he was nice very nice guy a lot of nice people there. Well lots of nice people Tom. Well

You know what they say, you know what they say you fuck your dad on a Friday You're gonna have a hell of a weekend welcome to Texas y'all so If you're Pustis stinks you put a whoa hammer inside of your cute. All right There's so much to do Clips we have a great guest. We have great songs. We have great emails so many exciting. It's gonna be a banger and real quick to mention Unbelievable feedback, and I'm so happy Pacificly specifically that so many people were blown away as they should be at how funny Ian bag is

Oh my life. We've known it for years. You've heard us talk if you listen to this show a long time There's nobody like him and I got so many messages of people being like this guy is so fucking funny It really is he really is go go stream the albums go watch the specials and When you can go get a ticket because it's really something to see him live. He's really funny He's such a breath of fresh air. I really enjoy having him on we got to have him back soon. I know so funny Go to merch method comm slash Tom's to girl. There's a new thick boy nation hoodie There's a new ymh zip-up hoodie, and there is a new Jean hoodie to new gene. Oh and all new for hoodie season, which is here now

All right, opening the show you ready to go. I'm ready to go So I just seen this girl's ass in the other aisle four aisles over now she had a big ass, but It wasn't the good big ass. See there's several different variations of having a big ass There's a good big ass. There is an okay big ass, and there is a bad big ass Wait for the breakdown Welcome to your mom's house You

Yeah This seems like a pretty cool guy. He does seem like a Official cool guy. Here's a deal man though. Is that because I don't really have a great ass I'm don't really look at asses on other people. I've kind of just like written myself out of the ass Maybe you have a great. I don't it's a disc. It's a shelf. It's not an ass I've got tits the Lord blessed me with tits, but no ass, and that's fine. I'm fine with it But do you know what? I think he'll be the judge. Okay? Yeah, you're right. Don't you dare inject yourself into this conversation? You don't know anything this guy knows everything and this is my favorite thing about a cool guy

Okay, it's not just having this information floating around in your head, but making a video and sharing it with That's the important thing Yeah, you know a bad big ass will be something where an ass is the shape of SpongeBob Squarepants. It's kind of just like a big square It just looks sloppy and look messy. It's like this small dick of having a big ass the small dick of having a big ass Never have there been true a word spoke I Guys phenomenal, I'm gonna put it like this her big weird square pants ass over there. I'm not into it

I'm sure it was real. It was just kind of sloppy It's the kind of big ass that when you come home from working a hard day's work 12 hours 14 hours breaking your back you come home and you look at your girlfriend and your wife's ass you just know Now me personally I would rather have a woman with no ass Than a big fake ass if you have naturally wide hips if you're naturally thick and you go to the doctor and you get a fake ass And it matches your body. It's all well into the good But there is a lot of women on the social media platforms

Who do all kinds of stuff and modeling and they got these disgusting fake asses and it's really just it's getting to the point now where I'm just Want to bomb it? Mm-hmm my my fake ass that I hate the worst I hate when chicks that have absolutely no muscle tone and their thighs or their legs They get these big fake asses and yet their legs don't match Don't you know anything like that too big? Kickballs sticks for legs. It's really disgusting. I'm actually really tired of it. Yeah, very tired of it. Yeah, excuse me I gotta go. Oh, thank you. There's a cool guy

This guy first of all, thank you for making you so great explanation and he makes a lot of good points I'm glad that you took the time out of his day to update us on these ads Well, and I you know what's really great about this cool guy is that he was so moved by his own thought I mean shopping. He's in the shoe. That's what I mean. He had to stop at Target or Walmart. I gotta talk to you about these fake asses Right now, there's a lady two aisles over who's just living her life, but she makes me want to puke I Just felt the need I'm compelled to tell you guys about it. Yeah, it's pretty cool guy. Hey, you're pretty cool guy How soon into dating him do you realize what a cool guy he is pretty soon?

It's not like for it's on the approach. You know, there's a thing now He's a high-level cool guy where like he's the kind of guy where you could think that he's not that cool And then you would find out he would he would He would show his colors right be like, oh, but I don't think it would be that deep But I mean like if there's a spokesman that they're looking for to represent the cool guys He's the guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he could definitely well because he's pretty well put together He is well put together the cool guys we encounter and we got a way way more articulate his vocabulary That's what I'm saying like we're talking about a press secretary for the cool guy. I think we found it

I think that they're like who can stand up for us. He's like I got you guys well, Tom It's funny you mentioned this because Matt s Has submitted this and I think it's just fat fantastic. Yeah He made he's an attorney and he's a as a licensed attorney in the state of Florida Likely home of many cool cool guy club members I've taken it upon myself to draft on a pro bono basis the attached why I'm each cool guy application form 2395 oh my god. Here it is. This is unbelievable. You're right. I believe

It covers all the key elements of a proper cool guy. This is amazing. Look at this. Oh my god department of FGT RTD 2395 form cool guy application Are they a math user homeless black guy who likes to fuck? Tick-tock account holder a fucking Jew retired double agent. Oh my god I didn't know that if you've checked retired double agent enter the number of baby rapers you've stamped. Oh my god Look at this too you put your name your last name your parole officers first Your self-assigned nickname and or title uh-huh if homeless check applicable sleeping location Your babies wherever you get free food free. Oh my god, and here's a applicant's personal information

We're looking at teeth color number of teeth missing direction of right eye I Direction of left eye intensity of stare number of strokes to climax Last item placed an ass last location of public urination Last location of public sex act that's good, and then there's a yes and no boxes here We go ceiling fans. Yes or no unflattering camera angle. Yes or no applicant is nude

Yes, someone else is nude. Yes shit lighting check inserting items into bodily orifices Violent slash sexual theme that's good use of the n-word very very good. Yep. That's what you need Polly people slash NRE friendly Oh, and this is great to catch phrase and then women should You just finished the sentence women should Shut the fuck up clean unprompted

That is all This is so that's an actual attorney in the state of Florida, and this is why you go to law school Yeah, this is exactly why this is brilliant sir. My favorite is direction Which way do your eyes go? I There's a it's amazing this is and it really looks like a government form Can we put this on the site somewhere so people can download fill it out pretty amazing? Jesus Christ

I mean that must have taken at least two billable hours This guy lost money Salute you Matt. That's really fantastic. Thank you. Oh you got another one Yeah, there's there's a lot of mommy mail readies. Let's bring up remember the infamous chart video from last yeah a week Okay, so regarding the video. Yeah, let's refresh everybody Regarding the video I can I can confirm to you that he's speaking Romanian. Oh, wow. I thought Ukrainian Chipsy judging by the accent. He's very likely from Transylvania Roja. It's a guy you get a lot to get a little bit Okay, word by word he's saying oh fuck your mother's God. I have shut myself

That sounds a hundred percent like my try being not my neighboring try Fuck your mother's God being a very popular phrase around these parts that basically means for fuck's sake I feel very honored for our people to appear on your highly esteemed And we Romanians send you all the best and hope your country doesn't burn down to the ground because that would mean that the Russians Will probably fuck us up fuck us in the ass in the future. You got it. Claudio. Thank you so much for submitting this very important Okay, do you want to see so you remember the really cool guy with the Like the Obama flay flag thing and the Denver Airport thinking about him a lot. I mean he's Airport he's out of control this guy, right?

Revelation unravel this program is a continuation of my series on the Denver International Airport Is unbelievable international below Obama's logo We have two stripes and three stripes which look much more like streaks of blood I Mean the fact that and so what I didn't realize man, we've we've we've seen him before He he made a really cool 2016 election song Which the cool thing is you can repurpose it because there's a new election coming up and there's a reminder

Here's that song. Oh, thank God Oh For the Donald Trump is the man Let's put our nation Into his hands Mike Pence and Donald Make a great team They'll make our nation The greatest it's been

Excellent, it's a great song team and bean that's a slant run That's it's just it's cool to know that he's on that side the right side If I was like this is who likes the same guy as me cool He's got it together. So Well, what's fantastic is he was doing a live stream and some of the mommy's got in there So we got him to say some my image You ready? Yeah, let's see to the revolution digital market income

Fed smoker Let's see I pray our dear leader picks the honorable RPC to replace R. B. G. Let's see RPC I Not sure how RPC is Robert Paul Champaigne's over yesterday to replace our point, but I Forgot now what their initials all over. Yeah, so he's considered. He's he was told that Robert Paul Champaigne should replace justice Which would be an amazing thing to see RPC on the Supreme Court. Yeah hearing arguments and and writing his opinions I think you think guy you want to have sex in the streets. It should be fine

So funny that they actually got him to say Look at his shrine behind him boy, oh boy, he is really into the Lord. It's an encouraging sign of sanity It's got an altar. It's pretty great boy. Oh boy Yeah, it is normal. I'm gonna read another one. You have another one. Yeah, people were really upset about RBG's death My goodness. Yeah, people were really crying on Instagram This is interesting. What up traumos? I was watching episode 570 Christina You turned down the heat and turned up the AC and then put a hoodie and sweatpants on and got into bed thinking You were gonna cuddle with your husband if Tom runs hot

You don't need to bundle up get naked and use your cold body to cool him off while he warms you up And while you're at it eat his ass do your wifely duty and make him come harder than RPC Quit being a scared little bitch and take some pride in satisfying your husband. Please realize it's not about you It's about making him come so hard as okay. I'm gonna throw up the point banks do it Thank you. Is um, he's Stuart. I appreciate your love. Let's get this guy a free t-shirt. Okay. All right Oh my gosh You want me to do that well But I understand what he's saying is that it's silly cuz you I was I forced you to cuddle with me two days ago

Your body was so on fire. You keep saying it are a meteor You but you're pointing out like every night now You'll come over you put your hand on me and you're like Jesus Christ. You're so hot Right, and I do it. I'll take Stuart's advice here because I am being stupid if I'm wearing clothing that is not a good idea because you're a Woman stupid woman. Yeah, and and I I should clean up unprompted, but that makes a lot of sense Yeah, I'm gonna take that and consider it into consideration. Thank you And by the way, I like that's kind of one of those things where you know We could probably get the the cool cuddles going and then maybe

Sexy times come and then we both are like hey, that was real nice. We laid naked in bed and I I'll warm you up, but you'll cool me down We'll be affectionate. Here's the deal man I give you the egg we do affection and then you're immediately like well, that's fuck now. Yeah, I'm a guy I'm warmed up right you married a guy. You want to fucking you know scissor with some chick who's like let's read a book then marry a chick I'm a guy is affection too much to ask. I'm a man I know you're a man. I'm a man Can you cuddle for a minute and then we fuck give me five minutes of cuddling at least cuz I mean I'm stupid when you're done

Then you've got and then you're like off to get the sandwich downstairs, and then there I am right. I am a human male Okay, let's talk about it human male. The other day while we were in the mom's in hotel We're staying at you walk down the hallway. We were finished. We finished this great dinner Oh, we gorged ourselves like animals you walked in front of me and you go Oh, I got a fart and then I walked in the wake of your fart And I'm like you don't even respect me as a woman anymore like you are Purposely now farting and then I walk into The fart cloud you used to have some kind of respect for me. So

Maybe if you treated me more like a lady I would you know what I'm saying with the cuddle you would be required to make daddy come And I want to just to give that I want to give a plug I think that the restaurant that made me fart was called red app So good. It was so amazed that red alone. Jesus Christ. Fuck the point Of hurting my stomach I filled it up with so much food. Oh my god Okay, here's another one. This is in the drops folder cigarette. So ready yourself. Hey, James I was moved by Tom's beautiful transition story from Tom to Tammy as a fellow bearded guy and tennis player

I can relate to the story and don't feel my mediocre tennis talent is celebrated enough because I'm a man That being said, I have another rare talent and that is transforming Tom to Tammy by the magic of drawing this is Beat me lean fan from Denmark Oh, that is amazing. Yeah, this is I know what I love. I'm telling you I could fuck up some amateur women's tennis players We've been playing a lot He mastered your thighs and your little heiny there and your fart your I guess you're farting your skirt up I think I'm just moving. No, it's like a fart wind and then your pony is ridiculous your pony

Yeah Perfect, this is what I want to do and I think I should be accepted by the tennis community That's one of the upcoming rising stars and female women's tennis I Think I'm immediately on the tour Immediately. Well, like here's the deal is that in today's culture? They can't refuse you. I was like I identify. I am a woman here. I am guys I was playing yet. No Sunday. I gotta take you and There was a guy who's one of like the really good players

That I see regularly at the courts playing with a woman and she was unbelievable. She would she was Destroying, I mean she was legit like 5-0. Maybe I don't know higher than that, but she was she was really good Good. Yeah, yeah, there are a lot of superior female tennis players We're not saying that but I'm saying that we put you on the women's team and you could destroy the bottom Players really really really and get all kind of sponsorship. I think it would be really fun I think you should ruin your life and try this I Think you hate me. I don't hate you. I love you. I want for you to say that to ruin my I'm your biggest fan I'm happy for you, too

I must say because foosball is back as much as I hate it when you watch the football game I was really happy that you were watching the game and enjoying yourself and you and your dad call each other and you guys Talk about the stupid game. It's cool. It's nice. It's really nice to see you enjoy that and I think it's good for morale for this country Yeah, I think it's um might be ending soon With the news of I don't know Titans last week have Players and personnel who knows how this is gonna go because if people start testing positive And yes, the thing about football is the teams are so big You know, I mean like in the NBA playoffs. They had them all move and live in a bubble

Right, so you like they really controlled the bubble in the NFL You have 53 roster players. You have a practice squad with another. I don't know 20 some players or something Personnel wise, you know, there's a hundred personnel on each team It's so many so many people just on one team and there's 32 teams and like each of these people have you know You know friends family staff like associated with their lives. Yeah, I think I don't know it could go sideways Well, it was really fun to watch the game It was fun to watch you watch the games because I know how much joy it brings you and your dad and stuff But we talk he's like you see that guy

Calls you what a catch. He really caught that ball shit And I hear your conversations on speakerphone. I'm like, this is the dumbest conversation. Look how dumb this guy is miss this block shit Your mother could have blocked that guy and then your dad loves to make fun of my ignorance of the game as well as your mom's Ask her ask Christina. Ask her what happens on a safety He's like of course Dumb broad You wanna see a funny video. Well, I was just gonna get in. Oh, yeah This yeah, yeah. Yes. So the other so you were watching. What was the team the Green Bay Packers? Yeah, they were playing the Saints

And it was a phenomenal game and then you were like, oh, oh Dude Could you do a poll and ask people if they actually usually call the Packers the fudge Packers and the 49ers the 69ers and then Well, because I think that in in secret like in everybody secretly at home when you see the Packers the Green Bay Packers Immediately, I assume everybody goes. Oh, yeah, the fudge Packers. Yeah, or 49ers. Oh, it's the 69ers Yeah, like that's me is where my brain would normally put that poll out there Over 20,000 people voted very important

And look those at 55% Yeah, say you have course of course they call the 49ers the 69ers and the Green Bay Packers the fudge Packers But 44% said no, I'm lame. What's going on with you people I mean to me that's a no-brainer, right when you hear those words you want to make them juvenile Yeah, well this got us going and I think we should really start pushing for we need to change well, we need to get people to reach out to the Organizations that are running the presidential debates and see if we can get one of the two candidates to commit Will you force the NFL to change the name of the Green Bay Packers to the fudge Packers and the San Francisco 49ers to the 69ers?

We need to bombard the candidates Team Trump and Team Biden and say like what side of history do you want to be on you change the Washington Reskins to the team from? Washington, you know, you're like, oh, that's offensive. I agree. It was the right move. When are we gonna, you know Embrace the 69er San Francisco. It's just all gays and then yeah the Packers Everyone knows that they're fudge Packers Well, I think what the point is is that there it should be more inclusive. I mean, that's right The Packers, what does that even mean? But I know what a fudge Packer is and let's make that that section of look you're a hundred percent right good

Anybody disagrees the fucking idiot. So hopefully we'll get I get a lot of people involved with this new move change.org Or we need we need to get the petition signed and if we get enough signatures, you know That could end up on someone's desk. They could actually do something Stuck it we need to get it signed and then like on the like just have like a press conference We're asking Jerry Jones like the owner of the Cowboys. Do you think they should change the 40 hours to the 69ers? You think the fudge Packers should be the name of the Packers he's like, I don't know nothing about that But I'll look into it Hey, look at this screen right here

Right into the back look at this guy look where's my phone. Oh, there it is Got my phone It's gonna hop off and the driver's just like la la la keeps driving away Damn, that's what's happening overseas and if you let the Dems take all right so Communist countries that is wild that guy acted like nothing happened. That was crazy. Jeez. He flipped right into the bed Homeboy went down didn't even scream. There's no there's like mm-hmm. He's just so chill What Asian country is this happening? Oh?

Face went into the bed like the back of that he hit it with his whole face That's Did you see the one I don't think I sent it to you on Instagram I could probably text this to you and you could put on the screen. This is insane this guy Yep, here it is here I'm gonna send this to you This is so crazy. Should I email it to you? Yeah this is a This guy is it these are these guys are in Mexico

I don't even want to like describe it because it's just better It's just better to bring it up this video. It's so crazy That I'm not gonna describe. I'm just gonna wait for you to bring it up Tell me what you if you find this or not I just thought I was I was just scrolling and I think I landed on this and I I could not believe it, but It's really this dude's like behavior as this is happening that stands out almost more than what is being done, okay? Watch sound Yeah, start from the beginning turn the sound up and go go big screen if you can here we go watch

He's like what happened look at this like what? Oh my god, dude He must be loaded, right? Yeah, he's completely hammered. Yeah, but he's just he didn't even flinch Yeah, flinch at all He's fully close range And then somebody underneath they wrote welcome to Mexico Because that is that is in Mexico so if you're listening a guy's at a backyard party puts a bottle of liquor on his head and then from

She's a few feet away a guy with a pistol shoots it off of his head. I mean the dude Next to him is all of us, right the guy who's like Oh my god, so that's the right reaction. Yeah, other guys like whatever and if you're like you worried about the cops being called here Don't worry about Jesus Christ. I know I know it's so in look at him. He's like what what yeah, let's see He closes Close so he has some indication that something's gonna happen. He's like what yeah, I'm afraid it man We got to do that here. Yeah, that's a great idea We'll just rehearse and then we'll go to the other guys after that

I think the dog first and just the dog the dog first and the dog last and just rehearse a bunch with him Full clip all right, we got one bottle 12 more here we go Are you a good shot? I'm decent. I'm all right. I've been going to that. I've been going to that place You saw me that video. Well, that's close range. You know, that's that's pretty easy, right? I mean Yeah, that's pretty easy targets big could fuck up and the cool thing is if you fuck up you just kill somebody Immediately well, what if we got him to sign a release just that his family doesn't sue us and stuff. Yeah, oh, that would be cool

Would you sign that release? Yeah, I don't know. I think I'd have to have a lawyer look over that's that's the right answer I don't know, but I'm still part of the team Okay, we'll get into it. We'll talk about it We'll talk just think about it. We'll talk about it and by the way you're gonna do it think about it So, oh really excited to plug Yeah, the cockroach Josh Potter has a new podcast It's called Roach Motel with Josh Potter. This is a long time coming. We've been working on this a long time The episode the first episode went up a week ago

The second episode is out now It's gonna come out every Tuesday at 6 a.m Please subscribe and review on iTunes and Stitcher and everywhere you can listen audio-wise. It's on our YouTube channel We are so happy. I'll also point out because some people have asked about it. If you're noticing That shows are coming out early in the morning now 6 a.m. That's on purpose. We You know, we were thinking about it talking about it was like well These should be available in the morning So if you're trying to get ready and work or you're driving or whatever commuting you can listen in the morning

We had a noon schedule for a long time, but now 6 a.m. Pacific 9 Eastern you will get new episodes released of all shows. Listen to it on your drive-in. Yeah, you're driving You're riding your bike Yeah, you're going for a walk, you're fingering your dad. Yep. Do whatever you want to do You can listen to a cool song. Oh and also congratulations, you know A lot of people told us take it easy on Ed Asner coming so hard But yeah, I also wanted to congratulate hen dog because he was smart enough to put his banger on iTunes so I

Posted that that that song with his he has which you've been working you so much But then I just saw so many people reposting that like they're listening there So I think that's really smart. You have a big hit song, you know make it available everywhere Make it available bros put it up on iTunes. You should do it man. I agree Also big big news for us Two bears one cave live is October 15th. Oh, that'll be fun five p.m. Pacific

That's eight Eastern. That's Thursday October 15th. The tickets are at ymhvirtual.com Very exciting place for those who are wondering about YMH live it does return in November, so we will have another YMH live in November If you missed episode one or episode two of YMH live You can go to my site Tom Segura comm and click on the video rentals tab and you can watch Episode one or episode two or both and as we build This live content out and these shows they will be there available for you to rent if you so choose It's exciting. Also. We have dr. Drew after dark that Tom and I and Potter guest on

Yes, and where my mom's at too. I know a lot of dudes listen to this show But if you want to get your lady friends on board with the YMH clan Maybe you can get her listen where my mom's at and segue her into your dark world of your mom's house There you go. A lot of times bros are like my lady doesn't like your shit, right too crazy get her under where my mom's at That's a good way to get in Eventually she'll be with us in no time. Yeah doing nasty shit over you Um So we were watching the foosball game and then a commercial came on where this guy was mowing his own lawn

Yeah, and I turned to you in bed and I go is is that real do people really mow their lawns? Because growing up here in LA Right in a dove like you're a native an LA native. You just don't see people mowing their own lawns Yeah, LA people don't do that. Yeah, that's really interesting because I think that's very cultural all my my first 14 years were all Midwest Cities yeah, and suburbs and stuff and we always always mowed our lawn, but the same thing exists here in Florida which is basically Nobody does that there either. I think it's because maybe because they're so hot

It's so hot and it's all year long. You have to do it. Where's in the Midwest you have those snowy months That's right. Maybe you're not tending your lawn. Yeah, but I really sounded like very You know soothing like it's a very satisfying thing I bet I mean but I see so the thing is though is that it looks so hard It looks like you're pushing that heavy thing because it's so sweaty. It looks like the most unpleasant shit It's not that it's not like it's not weights. You know, you're not like ah fuck. I can't move this thing Like it just goes it goes. I don't see how though. It's so heavy and horrible Lift it up as you're mowing it

You just hold and it goes and it just chops up the grass for you It still looks like the most horrible thing. It's hot. I mean it's work as you're out in the blazing heat, right? I mean in Florida. It was a hundred degrees plus a hundred percent humidity. Yeah miserable like that's That's real work, but I love when we lived in in Milwaukee in the suburbs of Milwaukee We got we went from the push mower to the sitting riding mower now. That's that's bullshit I feel like that's cheating though cuz like you're just sitting. Yeah, and he agrees with me You're just sitting there driving on grass. It's you're not pushing hard. You're not sweating Dude, you can make patterns in the grass. What did you draw like big dick?

Big dick's usually What the fuck is this? It's a big dick. Let everybody know who lives here, man No, it's fun, man It's fun to pay your gardener to do that for you put a big dick and balls on your front lawn. So do you want they? Big Big finger there in the grass. I'm gonna see yeah How fast do you think our neighbors? Balls to be big too or smaller balls. How do you want to I can make them big if you want

But I think the dick should stand out. You should have the balls a little smaller. I'm like, yeah, it's good point. Thanks, Rafi Wouldn't that be rad though like imagine if we bought like this palatial estate and then you had your gardener Always always All the landscaping here is sexual themed. Okay, so when people pull up, they know what's happening Okay Funny dude, take extra time You want these bushes to be tits and over here we have yeah, yes, and there's a big badge opening I'll say how come there's no nipples on these teeth. It's just it takes a lot of practice to make the nipples stand out

You're gardening bills a thousand dollars a month because of all the time it takes them to do it I can do it a lot faster and save you money, but you always want dicks and tits and everything Takes a long time. Can you make the pubic hair look softer Rafi? You have to go buy some special grass Make it look like a pubic hair everywhere You know you guys are real sick people, you know Perverts. Yeah, thanks. I would like to do that What if we bought a house in Texas and we had like a big front line dick yard. It's all dicks and balls You're real happy

We can have a fountain like a dick fountain that spurts just do that would be fun Maybe just spurts water Like that people are filling it up every day for us coming by and jerking off in our fountain So we have real jizz and we're like hey guys could you come over and jerk off in our fountain? We want to seem authentic So nasty Well, man, that'd be super fun. Yeah So anyways, it's not that bad to mow your lawn

Yeah, I didn't know that and I it's one of those you're right that you get a big break I remember, you know, and you stop like let's say in November or something in the cold cold states I'm not doing it November December January February like you have like five months off. Yeah So that's probably why in the Midwest. It's a source of pride like and and a dog pointed out we were talking before like You don't really own your house here. I look most people don't own so it's like why would I take care of my rented? Property or I lived in apartments growing up, too. So like we didn't have a lot. Yeah So I guess I was really shocked to see like that commercial. I'm like, nah, I don't know fucking mother-in-law And what the fucking bullshit this loud people mother-in-law lies

Propaganda, yeah, I'm not here, bro. Okay Okay All right, well, well Dick and balls. So you want to have something funny? Yeah Bertrand. He says a lot of words wrong. Yeah One of them he says wrong. Here we go. Look, what do you call it when a person rubs your body massage therapist massage? You say massage. I say massage. That's so dumb massage massage Your whole your lips purse out massage. Yeah. Yeah, isn't that dumb and you know who else says that? Yeah, other guys says massage Massage. Yeah

How many drinks is Bert drinking right there? There's one like massage your little hole Well, someone's never watched two bears before two three four five Yeah, oh, yeah, I live two bears. You guys are always doing this shit for less 15 years. How dumb is that? massage Massage we need to have a whole soundboard of just him and his dumb words that he says massage your little hole Yeah It's not how you say it's massage massage. Yeah, he says nightmare nightmare and a fleck He says Ben a fleck Ben a fleck. Yeah, silly. He says all kinds of things completely wrong. So silly. Yeah

Leigh Ann really likes him too. Yeah She loves him. Yeah Oh, how do you love you sent this yeah, I haven't seen it But I saw that why do I treat everybody like shit and why have I been so fucking successful over these 25 years? Because it fucking works and the reason you're here you snowflake cunts is because nobody cheated you like shit tough love works You're fucking weenies He's kind of right and paying you right there the bus always giving you the truth you fucking snowflakes he calls them cunts

Jesus Tough love works. I'm the alpha male father. You never fucking had Must you should have never been born you should have rolled down the inside of your fat mama's leg God Yeah, tough love works guys kind of does I mean you always Here are these really successful people and they all have these horrible nightmare stories of childhood a lot of times nobody is like well, I had really supportive parents and Everything was great and so I decided to become the CEO of fucking yeah, Amazon or whatever. I created the internet

It's never do it. It's always like Yeah, yeah, my dad beat the shit out of me. It's always like that. I know I know it's an adversity So but you see like all those people there and sitting in front of them. They're all like they want it I love it. They want that tough love. Well, I think well, you know, Tom what they say Discipline no, I I do think I mean you look at our kids. They love boundaries. They love they love discipline They want you to be like no, dude. You see it with little little kids They you go don't touch that and they're like, you know fucking touch it, right? And then they go, what are you gonna do about it? Get off that then they're like

They like it. They do. Yeah. I think everybody naturally wants A little bit of you know a boundary everybody needs it. Yeah for sure So, where is this? Oh, yeah, so this dude You know our cool Conspiracy guy fed smoker. Yeah Brings up fed smoker. We did another we got a dive here on fed smoker. Uh-huh. Well, I knew more new but old You know, you know, you don't realize it's all in the past on the vaults, right? But I'm saying what an opus of work He's left. Oh, I have no idea. It's so inspiring

Every time that I see one of these in the folder, I perk right up I just I can't wait to see what it is. Here we go Oh, you son of a bitch is out there thinking you gotta wear a jock shirt and shit to get some pussy I just left Ontario a couple days ago. Got a little bit of a story in got some fucking pussy You know, I'm still not wearing a fucking shirt. Yeah Good point sense. So what what herk sang right there is that you don't have to wear cool clothes to get laid Oh, that's the you know what message, you know, he's got so many points of wisdom We need to start putting them down that you don't need to wear a shirt to get laid

No, especially not like an expensive shirt. No goodness. No, he's fucking clothes way overrated fucking get pussy. I'll tell you that That's all I'll tell you Good message to overrated They're just overrated man Who needs a fucking preppy ass shirt or do you get a shirt to get some pussy? Yeah Yeah, and also, you know, it's what's really often overlooked is what an Incredible vehicle the Ford Crown Vic is right to be able to drive I mean, I'm assuming he was probably clocked in a quarter million miles a year in this thing

I Drive in day and night and this thing do you think he did maintenance checkups on this? No This thing just go be great if he could be the spokesperson for for tough Yeah, well if he says I was in Ontario is he meaning Ontario, Canada? Yeah, my my province birth town. I think so and although that would suggest that he has papers Which I think they might be and it's not Ontario, California, but no, there's probably some other Ontario's yeah Okay, well, yeah, he's like got my passport up

I don't think so and I definitely don't think Canada would be like come on in Smoker, no check out this background. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah felon They don't let you in you have a lot of jail time Well, that's all fucking bullshit What kind of ladies do you think he's getting very cool ladies very very I want to know who he's romanced if you were with that smoker. Let us know. Yeah, ladies of the street Really good

Two and a half hours Such a good summary of a story I Drilled her for like two and a half hours and I got bored got off and went to my room Okay, I know he sounds like fun time. He's a Bukowski. That's how Bukowski would write and I know me I'm not a lady so you should probably be the one to vote here But in my experience if there's one thing that that most women like it's two and a half hours of drilling drill Well, they're like, yeah, perfect and the word drill like that implies bang bang bang Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a prison pounding

Yeah, as hard as he can go as long as you and really it's exciting as a woman when you're like will he come? What won't he come how long will this man when you go like what's the amount of time this feels good for? I'm thinking hundred and fifty minutes Something like that, you know two hours plus is where to go. Yeah getting drilled Oh, wait, he does have a check engine light on Tom. Oh that thing stays on Do you think that he's actually ever been like got to address this issue? Wonder what my oil oil readings like right now Chevy The official car of fed smoker starter belt. I don't know what's going on with this thing. No

Drilled her for two and a half. That's not that's an exaggeration Driller for about two and a half hours a figure that's that's got to be an exaggeration fucking board Okay, does meth give you meth dick like what does it do? I mean it makes you come in probably probably really hard and ready to go But you come in four strokes and it's thick hot. That's just that's just that one one guy, okay? That was just one Yeah, because meth is like the dick had become so sensitive Yeah, but that's not usually what people say that's one dude most people say that meth is like that reckless struggle You're like, let's just fuck all

Harder for a long time. Yeah, could you hit that mic more? What's going on with you today? I Mean I do it. I cook it. It's a podcast. Are we on NBC? I know we're on a podcast That's I know my coffee's cold. Okay Don't you smoke some meth? I wish I had meth right now Oh What what's wrong? No, no, no, no just saying hitting the mic is definitely not a good move

I'm just pointing it out what Why are you mad at me? Cuz you're mean. How does that mean fart and make me walk into it? Is that mean you don't cut off. I think you definitely could have been meaner I Think I think you did it in the nicest way that you knew how thank you. Thank you. All right. I'll take it fine Okay, so what is this saying about meth here? Can you make that bigger my dad eyes? so The results show that method federating and sexual functions are not the first users is What is that?

Concomitant Tom with the increased duration of sex an increase in the quality and quantity of sexual pleasure a Delighted orgasm of feeling a more control of the sex act these effects gradually decrease a decreased libido and various sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction Premature ejaculation and losing control during the sex act will appear over time. Wow. I didn't know that That's really well. He's a long time. He's a long time. I'm surprised He can get his wiener ever that he wants to be it says that the sexual function goes down over time. Yep, so Yeah, there are differences in the libido and sexual functions of meth users Personal perceptions of one sexual function may be affected by cognitive changes

Resulting from the drug. Yeah Dr. Drew's always saying that there's this bummer Brain deterioration that happens when you're a regular meth user and that he's seen permanent Cognitive like this function. Yeah, it happens It's such a bummer because you want to try it and you want to get into it But to know that that's going to happen. I'll have to say and this is going to be the official word from us Don't get into meth. Yeah. Yeah, I would it's a real real sad day, but our studies have shown that

You shouldn't you shouldn't but I didn't realize how much great art that meth produces I mean in terms of talks and these videos. I just didn't realize it inspired people in so many ways So many ways. I mean and then it almost makes you want to go. Do we did we just change our position on? Whether or not you should try it Because you just made a great point that the art Parts kind of awesome. I know Artist can I Yeah

What is that? It's a math artist. No What is that? What's the animal there? Is it a crocodile? What does it say? Oh, it's two dinosaur bone marrow pharaoh Yeah, that's kind of me Matthew Ryan. Is it Haggert? I'll tell you right now. I should yeah, her get sorry her get H.E.R. G.E.T. That's really cool Wow, where is he from? He lives in the Los Angeles area. Nice. Yeah. No, it's very cool Don't you wish you could decide who lives or dies? Yep They do you were saying that why do you want to decide who lives or dies because I look around and I'm like in my head

I'm always like mmm. We could lose that one Right there. We could use that one. We could lose that one. We could lose that one You know, there are there are people who thought that same way They've tried it some I might be Genetic matches sharing a DNA type. You know what I'm saying like my heritage is what I'm saying Yeah What They I mean are you talking about genocide? Well, I'm not saying I know I wasn't thinking in terms of rounding people up according to

collective attributes I Was thinking in terms of the individual for instance, if I see a really you're behind somebody at the Starbucks and Got I don't know. Can I haeming and hawing debt? You're gone You don't agree with me. That's pretty good. That's true. What about okay? What about the douchebags who ride their fucking bicycles in the streets? Yeah, very dangerous here That's that that's annoying and today And it was pretty open and we were behind a guy at one point doing 45 Not for a moment like that was his cruising speed right gone. You should be able to kill death next

Your life is meaningless to me. You know what? I'm like upset that I didn't get involved in hmm the riots Really? Yeah, what are you feeling because I saw all these like storefront windows? I'm like that's got to be so satisfying to break those windows And to know that people did that I'm like you kind of want that one that seems like fun But see I don't have that destructive impulse like that. I want to clean up the world From the riffraff you want to destroy the world you want to throw a brick in the window I don't I don't have that impulse. Yeah, I know what I've been doing lately. I didn't tell you this why following people So following regular people. Yeah, I just picked someone no no in real life

I picked someone and I just follow them. That's neat like Sometimes walking around and sometimes I'll follow them home and I see if I can how long I can follow them without them Yeah, it's pretty fun. Oh, isn't it? I don't know Are they all women yep petite blonde? That's pretty cool. I I saw one the other day at the mall and I was like I'm just gonna see if I could follow her home. So I watched her get in her car I got mine and then she stopped for groceries

I went in the grocery store Then she got out and she went to a coffee place I followed her that and then I followed her home and I waited outside and I watched you know What does she do then I just watched her spouse arrived and then I was just like I know where you live and you know He's told myself I could do whatever I want check you back later Yep, do you ever make contact where you're like can you help me lift this couch? No, but now like I get I gave her I gave her a name in my mind, you know. Oh, what's her name? That's Sheila Sheila. Yeah, and and okay, and she lives in our neighborhood. No, she's living our neighborhood

You go to other people's neighborhoods. Well, you know, you're also a recognizable person. I have a mask on oh and a hat Yeah, but you know, I'm gonna do next though. I'm gonna go back to her place I'm just listening to them. I'm gonna go back to her place and leave her a note. Okay. I mean It's kind of illegal How is it illegal to say hey, I think you're real beautiful That's what you're gonna tell her on the note. What are you gonna tell her? I'm just gonna tell her she forgot to get the cucumbers when she was at the grocery store Because she picked a couple up and put them down and I was like, maybe I'll give you a reminder

You know, it's good Tom You know who else I think should die who every time we back out of our parking lot our parking What's the word drive away garage? I have to back up the way that it works. Okay, and every motherfucking time our thing is on an incline So it's dangerous for me to do so and every time I bought back up and there's an indignant jogger Just the jogging in place passively aggressively looking at me like you bitch. You're backing up. It's like, yeah twat I'm backing up. I'm the one who can't see you. You know what I'm saying? Like maybe you shouldn't give me such a nasty look Why don't you go across the street and jog around me stupid cunt? I agree with that

I agree with that because I also feel that way about Like if you're driving and there's a cyclist, right? Oh boy, and you take them all and you you go to turn And the cyclist is going straight, right? So you're gonna turn cyclists is going straight and as you're turning they go like Hey, yeah, but you can see that I'm coming up on this turn Yes, yeah, so you can actually you actually have a better view of everything you can go like oh Well the guy driving the car. Yeah is about to make sure I'll slow down so he can make and then I'll just keep going But some of them go like no, I'll accelerate through it because I have the right way even though I'm I know I'm in your blind spot. That's I know that you are missing it right now because I can put

I can deduce from the rate of speed and you're you're decreasing your speed and that you're going to turn They just do that and those people should be fucking neutered neutered and murdered and and strung up in public and made an example of and drawn in quartered too Yeah, but here's the deal because that jogger does know and I know this cunt who's jogging all the time Is she knows that she's in my blind spot like you said and I don't want to hit her Of course not and I obviously am the one who's at a disadvantage So be the bigger person even though you might have the right of way by the way if you tell me more specific details about this person I'll fucking follow you home. I

Can't and I will wait outside sit in your yard. You don't even know who's there Don't think I won't follow you around All right, make you nervous think about it all night I Love that feeling knowing someone's scared What about anybody that makes a speakerphone call? Oh God public? Yeah, right? They should die, right? Yeah, of course. Yeah, the fucking hammer to the face. Yeah. Yeah, it's so good Yeah

I'm in a good mood now Great Ah here. I haven't seen this. This is like a brief funny. Let's check it out Is this LA? Shit man Damn, what is he saying? We're not sure it's a foreign country It is and what I just realized is the guy walking by I thought was concerned for the dude that just fell

But then I see you just kind of stiff arms him back onto the floor So I think that guy was maybe saying something mean to the old guy that was that was putting them down But he was not trying to help his dude up I mean, that's a that's a oh No, he Let me put that dog Jesus Christ man So if you're listening there's a guy in a wheelchair who rolls up and shakes a ladder until it falls down and the guy

Falls with it like from pretty high up man And I got him walking by I think he's just like hey don't don't okay, and then he's just done He's just like don't escalate this to either one. That is a really crazy. We don't know where this is though, huh? No, I thought it was maybe some sort of Latin country. I don't know does that sound familiar to you What he's yelling no cuz I thought at first. I was thought it was I thought I was hearing English It's you know, I thought he was saying something and an extra. That's what I thought he said That could be Melrose, but I don't I can't actually make out for raw to sounding type of word you maybe you're right I'm just not hearing it well. I mean, maybe

Oh It still sounds mostly English, I don't know why it sounds like English to me Hmm no, it's too muffled for me. I can't make it out. I don't know Wow, that was a really inspiring clip guys Yeah All right, we're about to go take a break do you want to watch this one last thing here? I love to Well, you sent it in I Make difficult decisions every day, but not about tampons. I switch to play techs. It's unbeatable protection Only play techs tampons have a double-layer design

Pussy's itch. It's not like fish Really cool I change my mind a lot, but not about tampons. I switch to play techs They're comfortable and they get a special plastic And our pussy's fucking saying they have these huge words that grow on them That's really cool, babe. I Love these old tampon commercials. Yeah, it's stupid with the audio slowed down. They're like my tampons yeah, I

Keep trying new teams, but not with tampons play techs tampons and play techs deodorant tampons unbeatable protection It's like fish Yeah, I Love the pretense on these. Yeah, I make a lot of hard decisions, but not about my tampons Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about so much to consider out in the world, but not what I shove up inside of me Okay, let's let's take a quick break. We're right back Super excited to be back here with a very special guest all the way from the great big Apple

New York City Yes, Chrissy D history hyenas Krista Stefano. Thank you very much for coming. Thank you for having me guys Very happy to have you. I appreciate it. I'm COVID-free COVID-free. I believe I do have prostatitis So I got an inflammation in my prostate. Really? I just I think I do I just every one you think you do every day I really specific thing to say, you know, what's a nice thing though every day because I had it once like two years ago But it was 1000% from Chlamydia, but now which is nice. I'm not Chrissy drip-drop anymore. So Remember who gave it to you? No, I mean, it's one of the I was a blur I was a full-blown sex addict to your like not, you know, I was like, yeah, I was like, I don't drink

I don't I don't drink that much and I don't smoke. I'm fine But then I was just you know, just I mean dude, there was back-to-back nights sex with like a woman who was the former Miss Canada Oh, wow, and then one of my mom's friends Kate. So it's like back-to-back Former Miss Canada 68 year old woman sex addict. Do you do you have for it? No, you get therapy at all for it. Yes therapy a lot of meditation a lot of reading a lot of thinking about you know, like like narcissism and Entitlement and things like that. Yeah, that's fascinating getting deep into that and now and and so and so now I'm sitting here with Prostatitis and it's a different feeling because I'm like, I know it's not from an SCD

I haven't had sex with anyone but my girlfriend in you know, whatever it's it's been well I haven't seen her in three weeks. So it's like, you know, I mean I've been the thing I literally think I could have like inflamed my prostate from jerking off. Yes. I think so. It's are you aggressively doing it? I can't explain to you like why I've been here for three weeks and it's been unbelievable Like I've been jerking off to anything like everything. Yeah, I was jerking off to Anderson Cooper Yep, two days ago. Wow, then this morning Tucker Carlson Yeah, all you know that and all the time and I was just like and I don't jerk off like this I rub the base of my penis and I blow it into my belly button. Yeah, it's a very strange way of masturbating

And I think that my you rub it against your belly I kind of rub down I make like a little vagina with my thumbs and I rub the base and then I shoot it into my body Seriously, I swear to God. I gotta tell you something. I mean with that. I mean, I don't even know you that well Yeah, I would I would like to you to do it to me. Yeah, and I would do it I absolutely would that sounds like a really good technique discover this technique. I don't know. I just I Think when I was a kid, I just um, you know, I kind of I used because I used to take a pillow I used to like masturbate on a pillow. I slept in the same room as my mom's always about 13 14 years old Yeah, so I used to like, you know, when she was sleeping quietly. Yeah quietly. Just take a pillow

I used to do that. I started to hump the mattress. Yes. I was having orgasms before I ejaculate on me, too I was I was absolutely like and I was like it's like trying to explain to my cousin. Yeah, Brian I was like, do you do that things? I didn't know yeah words for it I was like, you know, we're like you you like you rub yourself a certain way and your body shakes and it feels good He was like what yeah, and I go, you know, I mean like and then you kind of sweat a little bit Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about Well, I mean because I would do that so much I would masturbate so much and just shoot blanks that the first time I did get just a little bit of jizz

I lived in the same house as my mom's sister and she used to watch me well Well, my mom was at work and I was like doing it like rubbing the pillow hard And then a little splooch came out and I was young and inexperienced. I didn't know so I ran to my aunt Colleen I was like and Colleen something's coming out of my peepee and she's like a old-school New York lady smoking a cigarette She's like rest of a listen to me. You're gonna have to talk to your mother about that I remember she's just blowing the smoke. She's like, I can't even deal with this right now And then I'll never forget. She's like do you want a saltine cracker? And then and then ever since then yes, so I just have a weird

relationship with sex and I had to explore like I for very long. I didn't realize like I absolutely Fall in love with men but have sex with women Yeah, yeah, because you mentioned Anderson Cooper right you masturbate while watching him But I don't know that I was thinking about him. I was thinking about other thoughts But it's just something soothing but you do fall in love with men have sex with women Yeah, hold on. What do you mean? You fall in love like emotionally you're in love with a man But physically you're into a woman. Is that what you mean? Yeah, I think like I'm not gay, right? I don't have any even really gay thoughts like I've never thought about having sex

with a guy But I have talked to men for a long time looked in their eyes been fascinated by their conversation And either went home and beat off or went home and had sex with a woman So I don't know if what that is where that falls. Do you think that that's because men are more interesting and smaller? Okay, okay It could be No, women are fucking stupid because women are fucking dumb. No maves. No Man

Yeah, I could never hold on but are you roused but you're not aroused sexually when you see do you watch gay porn? No, I've never watched gay porn. Never watched gay porn or you never tried and if you've seen it Can you bring up two guys butt fucking? Let's just see how it feels Yes, but um, this is fascinating because you said you can have you can you can hang out With a dude and be so fascinated and so in like the sky was awesome Yeah, but then you want to go and have sex with a woman. Yes, like maybe it's just excitement. Oh, here we go Let me see if or something. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. No, see this is that a guy having sex with a guy Oh, this is what these are women. These are these are straight

Yeah, hold on. I've never searched for this before. I'm just trying to gay porn Yeah, oh, there we go. There you go. There's a guy sucking Yeah, see this. Oh, he's got a big nice piece on him. He does boys. There we go And this guy's how do you have to say communion right here? I There we go. Oh See, I don't talk to it like a duck to water Like a duck to water. I support it. I see like if I was in a sea but this that aroused you you're not really

No, what would open to it? What would arouse me is if these same two men started talking about the book sapiens And how they got into that then I might be able to get horny And something introspective like that and then I'd go to have sex with a woman this right now I can watch this and I could support this but I don't it doesn't really uh, you know, there you go I mean it's a little ass tap You know, let me ask you this though because this is really fascinating for when you're talking about Be like being a sec because I think people we always hear the term sex addict

But we don't really explore it like as observers like most people like know Or or have some knowledge of right alcoholism right or drug addiction, right? And you go like well it it you know, it filled this void or whatever it is Right is for you is the sex addiction that same thing that it's like trying to fill some type of emptiness And you were getting it through those sex acts absolutely And I didn't realize that at first at first I was like, oh, I'm a comedian on the road and I'm delayed. I'm it's what happens. It's part and then I realized like the emptiness After it was done on not only me the woman too

So I we would constantly find each other and that's what my therapist said He was like a lot of times like a sex addict male will find a sex addict female and it's and he's like How often did you notice like women that you would have sex with that would never call you again or you never call them again? I was like almost 100 percent How many how often would they leave like right after you leave? I was like within 10 minutes every time It was like so it's you were both the addiction addicts find each other. Wow So it was like so that's what you were doing. So I had to like just call turkey Stop that and then I kept would always like look for something different something different something different

Something to fill the hole always and you know, I had a child and I you know, my daughter was born We had the baby like on like the second or third date like yeah, she got pregnant I was like my life's crazy spiraling spiraling spiraling and not realizing like no dude You're in the full, you know addict swing right now. I had no idea. Yeah, and then a lot of things happen You know like, you know ruin the relationship You fucked a lot of things up, but I was like, oh, but I love my daughter. I'm always there for my daughter It's fine. I'm you know telling myself. I'm a good father. I'm there. I'm present But how many times as I push her into swing DMing a girl how many times was I like hiding my phone

How many times when her mom would bring me over I would have to clean the apartment realize all addict behavior So then I got I don't know if you ever get through it I'm working through it But at a way better place than I am now back with my child's mom back in like wholesome family Been out here for three weeks by myself. You know had many temptations, of course, and it's very It's a lot easier now for me to be like no, that's not what's going to give me peace and balance What's going to what's going to give because I realized something Having so many options. I realized is actually not freedom. I kept saying to my kids. I just want to be free

I I but that's not it's the opposite of freedom. Having too many options is you're absolutely in chains Freedom to me now is having just one option one great relationship with my daughter's mom the Concept of family building a family that is like I feel totally free I feel like I have so much energy here for the last three weeks because I haven't act I've been like I'm only waiting for the call from the one woman and the one family and that's what it is Now my hotel room walls have gotten fucking lit up But that my therapist said that's okay. This guy's a fucking loser cut is my I know I know my dad's listen to this like you fucking hobo

I told you to pound some ass out there Chrissy No, you actually like hearing you sale this stuff it even seems like You are so much like at peace and content with up with with like the the the the ride you've been on to get here Yes, a hundred percent and I feel extremely Like ready for any type of maybe success that might come my way And I'm not even and like oh and my values and my value system has changed totally too like for me now Yes, I want to do very well in comedy, of course I'd love to have

Opportunities and and do that But the valve but really like the metric for me is Thing how my daughter is developing and how my relationship with her mom is developing in the concept of family So if those things are going well, which they are right now, yeah, everything comes in. I have a pilot right now with true tv I mean, it's my 10th pilot. I'm fucking Chrissy pilots. I'm 0 for 9 If I go 0 for 10 great, dude I'm Chrissy strikeouts It doesn't matter because my daughter's in a good school and I have things that I want

That's awesome Where it used to be like two years ago like oh, I need to get this I'm a failure and it's like no no no like how many times are you going to go through this? So I didn't realize that You know and yeah, and I think like saying hey, I'm always working through This addiction is a is a powerful thing because Colin Quinn is like a Mentor of mine We've become very close friends in New York and he's you know 30 years sober

Yeah, and he was kind of the one that first gave me the idea of like have you ever thought about you're Addicted to this. He's like because you know There's a lot of men that have options or women that have options, but they don't act on them compulsively like you are Right, he's like, you know, how many times are you going to bring four women into the comedy cellar and And he's like it's all great and good and you know, he's like I think the women like you and you like them and you're nice to them and kind to them and it's all good But how much how often how much do you want to do this? Right and it's not fulfilling you would not feel zero of it. Yeah, you wouldn't leave it being like this feels really great

That I know no and they didn't feel good either like You know everything obviously was all good and consensual and that was fine But it's I feel like you just have to say that now It was all consensual. It was all just a real quick side note didn't rape anyone and yeah So so but they felt empty too because I didn't even realize like I noticed like Yeah, and they never call me ever again like if I text them and they'd be like, oh, I had a great time But I'm just not interested anymore. It's like we were fine. The addicts were finding each other. Yeah, kind of wow How do you approach? I'm

Fascinating like how do you approach the other one? How do you sniff her out? Like how do you know who's broken enough to you know, the opening message on a dm is they're right, right? You know what I mean? Really? Yeah, or the opening message is hey, I you know hard eyes Or I think you're hot or take me out for a drink and I'll give you the night of your life things like that I was like, yes, yes, yes, yes where another girl was like, hey, do you want to like take me to dinner? I'm like, no, no, come on. What do you lose it? Can I stick garlic sticks up your pussy? Yeah, no You know, so I would not I was not looking and then you know what I realized too It's just so fucking gay. Just play gay porn over this. This is gayer than the guy getting pounded in his ass

But it's just the truth. I got a lululemon pants any guys out there want to hit me on grinders I noticed too that You know my girlfriend my daughter's mom She constantly kept taking me back after fucking up like you can't imagine like constantly fucking up But then being like, but I'm a nice guy. I love my daughter constantly her being like, this is your last chance This is your last chance And then finally, you know, just realizing like that is love on her part Like I needed to catch up to her because that you know, like you set the bird free and if it comes back, you know

It's not like she set me free so many times and so many times I've been like begging to come back and so many times She's been like come back. Yeah, and now for like the I've known her for my daughter's five So we've known each other five years and nine months So so but this like past like six months like in quarantine has been like the most like fulfilling with her And like the first time where I'm like actually have listened to her and paid attention to her and been like I want to make this work where it used to be like I don't even know you like we have a kid and I don't even know you because I'm just not paying attention Because I'm not interested. I'm playing pretend. I was just constantly playing pretend with everyone

So I had to just realize that and like look in the mirror and be like you fucking idiot But it's so it's so actually nice to see somebody Figure it out at your age and that and that you're not like 70 being like, you know what? Yeah, I think I fucked up and like your life is you know, I mean like you you've put this together I mean just hearing you talk about it. I mean I can see that like you've you've really seen the light in this whole thing Yeah, I mean yeah, dude. I mean I'm shitting out condoms right now, but you know, it feels like that But it's like it's like you have to just admit that too like where I was just like and also like my circle Of friends like you know that changes, right? I have to make it all a lot smaller

I just have to make it all a lot smaller and stop I was always the guy who was like What do I do this advice and that advice and Asking 30 people their opinion did you find that you would seek out the advice of somebody that would reinforce bad behavior? Absolutely, and it was the same thing like you know Like the the options thing I would ask for so many options because I thought that's what oh I'll get all these people's opinions when that is not your again. That's the opposite of freedom I mean you're you're now I'm like what do I do? What do I do where it's just who is your who's your crew?

Who's your circle of people and I have those people and I deal with them and then but I ultimately like you know now make my own choices and Have just had to like, you know be Chrissy uncomfortable at times and just tell people How I'm honestly feeling which was always like I just want you to like me That's all I want you to do is like me. Yeah, which is by the way the I think The mo of like almost all comedians truly is there just like I just want you to like me Yeah, who then I saw a quote from my favorite comedian bill cosby and I

I saw a quote for him that said it said I don't know the secret to success But I know the secret to failure is trying to please everyone and I was like wow that guy's fucking smart Right, but the irony is that his material was super universal and not inflammatory in the least His shit was like What the fuck Yeah, talk about your dick weirdo. I don't trust me. No comic that doesn't talk about his dick. Yes You've been saying that for decade, but you know why and I really think about it because that's the dark side to all of us Comedians are every human everyone has darkness dark and light

And if you're not a if you're not going in there and then coming back out and making jokes every comedian We know you're not addressing the dark not even the public ones that everyone knows but some of them who are real like Real clean and stuff. Oh, you know them because you hang out with them on another level and you're like you are a fucking dark Mother fucker. Oh, yeah Talk about it a little bit man. Give us a little taste and the thing is whenever you hang out with them They're funnier Talk telling you those stories. You're like, why you do that? I don't want to do that on stage. You're like, why? This is what's great much better

Like you're not being like like I feel like the whole thing of this is like be open and be cathartic and get and it's like When I hear the other it's not necessarily clean because I know some not yet But I I know the comedians who like they're completely different people off stage. That's not even like the mother fucker It's not like you're not cursing enough. I'm saying you're not exploring Your your your truth your honesty, you know, it's like they're yeah, they're just doing like surface level Now I gotta tell you something So I think I I'd heard your name a few times And it was I think last year not the one that just passed but the year before right that

I think you posted a september 11th story from the seller. Yeah, dude. I laughed so hard Watching that and I watched it a few times. Oh, thanks. And then this year you reposted it in the same thing It's like it's such a great. Here's what it like that's that That story you tell had you done that on stage before so it's so what happened was is I had done that kind of pseudo story in my comedy central hour special size 38 waste and um, and uh, and uh, It kind of came and went because I was in a box and you know Like the rules like you can't say this can't say that but then actually on september 11 two years ago I was like third or fourth comment comedian up at the comedy seller and people were bombing because they weren't addressing

That it was 9 11 and I just went on after a muslim comedian who didn't address anything And and I was just like you had a couple drinks. Oh, yeah It's yeah, here's the thing that the whole thing is perfect because yeah, like you're a little loosey-goosey Yeah, you're you're you're Chrissy five drinks in oh, yeah, and uh, yeah, and the story is unbelievable It's so it's so like cinematic like there's so many Characters and layers and you you paint it just perfectly and there's so many punch lines that like I just kept going back to it It also reminded me I think of what I love about comedy Before you do stand up right because that story is a story that like if you were in a comic

And you and you told that story like hanging out Yeah, that's the kind of story where you hear someone and you literally go like you should you needed like you should do comedy Yeah, it's like it's a it's such a Genuine authentic real story. I think chris is going to masturbate after. Yeah. Well. It's a great story the light hit one of his eyes Like yeah, I'm definitely yeah Well, could you know what happened because I was like drunk and like uninhibited and like just like fuck it go And I was like, you know what like it's 9 11. I live through and I'm like a native new yorker I feel like licensed to speak

Freely like if you say you can't make 9 11 jokes like fucking my mom worked in the building I know yes people that died like I feel like it's my story Yeah, you have credibility to tell the story like I you know, I wasn't there But it's like my mother was there and like I just lived in the highlight of this story Is something that I have since sought out in your post and content is talking about your dad I don't know what it is that I'm so I'm so lucky and blessed that I have this like a great dad like dad who you know He's always been there and he's just like a sweet guy For some reason whenever somebody tells me

Like uh sideways dad stories. Yeah, I'm I'm fascinated and I laugh Beyond control like about it like I was talking to him this morning and he was like what's going on today And I was like, oh, I'm gonna do that that really, you know, big podcast I was telling you about Tom Sigoury. He's like, oh, yeah, fucking Tommy segues He was like Tommy segues. He was like, hey, it was like he seems like a good kid. I looked him up So he just called you a kid. Okay He was like he was like he seems like good kids and then he was like, oh, they're married over there And I said, yeah, I mean his wife Christina. He's like that's nice. That's you. He's like you and my girl's name is jasmine

He's like you and jasmine should do something like that. I was like, she's not a comedian And oh, he's like, who cares turn the cameras on That's what he said. He's very much like I love showbiz advice from a dad. That's a thing Yeah, I said non-show business dad's advice by the best 73 74 years old diabetic heart condition Lives in, you know, New York now. He just moved to Florida the next epicenter. He's just following it He goes never smoked or drank a day in his life, you know, pandemic hits march It's like april 1st, you know, nobody's supposed to see their elderly grandparents. He's like, I want to come see the baby You know, my daughter he's like, I gotta come see the baby. I can't fucking sit here anymore

I'm like, yeah, but you got to understand like you can't like you're you know, old age You know, like you're you're every condition that they say is going to kill you. You have them all He's like, don't worry about it. I'm coming. I'm gonna get on the bus. I was like dad Let me at least yeah, I was like, let me at least come get you. He's like I'm getting on the fucking bus So he gets on the bus shows up. He's got a mask on around his ear, right around I'll never forget it was around his left ear. He's just got it hanging. I'm like, did you take the bus like that? He's like, yeah, you got a mask on your person. That's what the blazer said the mayor I go I go but it has to be across your face

I was like dad has to be across your face. And then he goes to me. He goes, oh, I'm sorry I thought june was pride month. I don't know how to gay son And then I'm like, okay And then he goes into my backyard and lights up a cigar and I was like, what are you doing? Like you haven't drank or smoked anything and he was like, let me fucking tell you one thing here, Chrissy He goes, nothing chinese is ever going to take me down. He goes, my veins are red white and blue and he lights up these cigars It just starts coughing like an idiot and I'm like dad Whatever, he's not even a smoker. He doesn't care

Then he didn't even tell me then I just call him one day July 5th I'm like, hey, you know, like you want to hang like, you know, I just had a barbecue But then I'm like, um, you know, we just had a barbecue in my house. I was like, uh, you know, you want to come by We've got some leftover food. He's like, oh, I'm in Tampa, Florida I was like, what do you mean you're in Tampa, Florida? He goes, I moved here I was like just drops it on you. What he's like, yeah, me and your stepmother moved here So I was like, that's another epicenter of corona. Yeah, he was like red white and blue baby He just constantly says red white and Chinese aren't gonna take me down

Yeah, because the Chinese are not going to take me down Dude, his dad, my grandpa wouldn't eat sushi for the remainder of his life He wouldn't eat sushi in 1995 because he thought it was the food of the enemy. Oh my god. He just wouldn't and your dad Similar German Other words, but um, yeah, he uh, well, my dad was in Vietnam. So okay. I don't want any of that noodles and shit Yeah, um, which I guess it's like, okay. I mean these guys fought in the war. Yeah It's fine. It's okay. I know you're Russian fucking food. He's risky. Your dad growing up, right? Must have been it must have been wild

So he was a maniac, um, you know when my mom so so how they met was My because my mother's very highly educated woman like Ivy League school like very all about education and when you mean it's prim proper You know comes with very well to do not wealthy, but like You know academics and speaks properly like even my accent She'd be like honey, you need to pronounce those Rs. Okay, you're not gonna sound like an idiot like your father Okay, it's not gonna happen Like you know like so she's like that and my father's like a legit criminal like was in and out of jail And they were at my mother's company was doing a walk-a-thon in downtown Manhattan and like I guess like 1983 84

And my dad was doing community service on the side of the walk-a-thon. No Prison work release like you have to do when you get out You have to do a few hours of community service and he was like picking up garbage Like by like off like the fdr or something wherever they were doing like that park wherever they were doing the walk He's telling me he cat called her. Yeah, he started flirting with my mom My mom said she was like I she was like I'm walking in the walk Then all of a sudden one of those garbage pickup things it pinches my butt And I turn around and she was like and it's this ugly man with an orange jumpsuit on

Telling me how beautiful I am and that he's gonna rock my world and I'm like and you know, she's 20 years old I would assume a virgin like very she's like this is not what I want You know, but then he was so persistent and she's you know, kind of goody-two shoes family Just decided to like have a fling with a bad boy Have me they have me and then it's just like you know It's like kind of history repeats itself because then her whole life What because then they got divorced immediately because you know catholic going pregnant Let's get married then divorced immediately because my mother was like big mistake. Yeah, huge really robert's voice huge

so so huge big so So so they get divorced and then my mother's whole life was Keeping me on the like straight path. So she was like you're gonna you're not gonna make the mistakes And I that I made that your dad made you're gonna go to school. So everything I went to school She's like no drugs no alcohol you're gonna saw everything they asked me I did sports Did sports in high school college even professional basketball overseas. You did. Yeah, you played pro basketball for like three weeks And then and where it was uh, first I was on this team called Darfur Saka in turkey and then and then um I played got sent right back home quick for like three days in ireland

Sent home. What were you a point card point card? I was a shooting guard in college and then a point card Where'd you go to college st. Joseph's division three school? Yeah. Yeah, it was a very very small school You gotta be a pretty decent basketball player Well basketball was my whole life like my father was all about sports My dad was like, you know, he wanted to play baseball and you know, just was a criminal and just didn't work out the Yankee's like, yeah, you're a federal, you know, you're convict So like it's George Steinbrand was like no, what kind of what kind of like Crimes was he involved all like like, um, you know, like racketeering and money laundering and things like mob shit

Yeah, like but like you would never see that's the thing like when you actually have like a parent or like a close family Remember who's in the mob like you don't just don't you're just like, yeah, it just happens like I remember one day One of my aunts her husband was killed her husband and her son. I was six months old. So I guess my cousin You know husband was killed and the and and the son was killed who it was like 25 at the time all mafia related stuff And then just every month Somebody would drop a bag off in cash I guess it was the family that like whacked My aunts husband and their son like that's was like old school mafia tactics like whatever

They did they're like the wife shouldn't have to pay for it So they like take care of the bills and like I like I was like five years old one day And I just opened the door and some guys like give this to your aunt and I was just like a bag of you know I I don't know how much no another aunt on my dad's side And so that's just like but so like you learn to like, you know, that's just part of the thing Yeah, anytime I hear anybody be like, you know, my fucking father is uncle as I'm like probably nobody Because you did those guys are like you would never even know like, you know, you're just like They just kind of act the way they act like my dad's my uncle

He wasn't my dad's brother, but it was like close uncle like I had an uncle bobby pets Who is a real guy and he had like all these animals and he fucking loved animals and bobby pets when I was a kid When I was kid I was like, oh, it's just got like like a little petting zoo like in his backyard It always had like a crazy shit. He had like a penguin I never forget it was like summer like 1996 in brooklyn guy as if penguin walk I swear it was like it was like july 4th weekend. He's like this body Well, I don't remember how he got it, but I do remember The penguin me and my dad go into his house bobby pets his house like the next week

And he had like a like an air conditioner and two fans on But it was like, you know, sweltering new york city heat and I was like, I feel like I was like 12 at the time You know, like all about like science and all that was like, I don't think like this is mimicking Like an arctic condition. Yeah, your frigid air bullshit air conditioner, which is like rattling In a basement and then he was feeding a cheese and I was like, I swear to god. I just feel like No, yes, it died. It died a week later. Oh, yeah Oh my god, and then my dad and bobby pants buried the penguin off the side of the new jersey turnpike this A lot of times like you're making shit up. I'm not making it up. No, you can't make that. It's just true

Holy shit. Yeah, so so that's kind of how my dad Operated yes, you know ran with like some real legit But before like I was a kid, you know, like so when I was a kid by the time I he got the one incident on september 11th Where I really saw like wow this guy's a fucking nut job But since then he's like, you know, I mean he's still the same guy like he's but he's gotten older and like Like I remember when I met, you know, my kid's mom, you know, she's a beautiful Puerto Rican girl And like I remember my dad's like sitting there. He was like you she's got a hot mom for the old man I'm like you're on dialysis. Yeah right now with your wife standing right next to you and then like, you know

And then she's like it's like a crazy like kind of like life and um, but he's like a great guy and like the My dad is like right intentions wrong move like the best father You could ever ask for like he's never missed a moment anything significant in my life My father's been there always But you know before I was born, I think he was just like living Crazy life with crazy people and still there's craziness there But he was always like the he's the best dad like and the best grandfather, you know, like Absolutely, like because he's like this tough guy, but I remember we were cleaning out

Uh, my daughter's uh room when she got a little older Maybe she was like two or three and we found like these stuffed animals and they had little diapers on them And I was like who was putting diapers on the stuffed animals on my stepmom was like your father was practicing diapers While the baby was coming that's cute But you know, he would never admit how did he how did he react because it's always interesting How'd he react to like the story the you know the 9 11 story like you telling it? He he oh when I started doing comedy He was always like whatever you want to do like I'll support you

So like he was like, you know, obviously don't mention the real names of some of these guys He's like because I just you know, I don't want to I don't want you to get in trouble He's like but whatever you want to do do so even like because you know, I was uh Uh physical therapist so I had to get like a doctorate degree to become a physical therapist because I told you my mother was all about education So so for her she was like you're not going to end in college like you need to go through graduate school So I went all the way to get it's funny too. It's just like it's sometimes like I start telling stories I'm like, oh, I remember this my dad. First of all, I you know, it's a doctorate level program So it's like you're with some like really ritzy kids, right? Yeah, you know

Smart kids whatever and you know, I applied myself. I think I I got into the graduate program like I don't I got in for My grades were okay My gpa was okay, but I think because I played on teams almost like about teamwork The dean took a chance at me and let me I don't think I should have qualified for the doctorate level program But I proved myself that I could do it because I had like a good gpa and just applied myself So I was proud and I was actually second in line to be the valet I tied I tied with which is like crazy because I was like, you know an idiot Kid from brooklyn that you know talks like a fucking sewer cap

But then I have like a 3.9 gpa in a doctorate level program So they It was between me and this girl who was valedictorian because we both are tied and they were like, you know Who do you want to give the speech and I I was like look the way I talk and look I probably shouldn't Give the speech, you know, because I'm just people even when I was a physical therapist They I would be like, oh, hi, you know, welcome like what's going on They're like, can I as you're are you going to see the real therapist or are you the boss? You know when the first day of physical therapy school the the dean

Nice woman because you know, it's a whole application process. So she didn't know exactly Who I was yet, you know, it was just names on a list. I showed up and I was like, oh, I'm looking for room 501 She was like, are you the are you the maintenance crew? Are you here to clean because we had a spill? I was like, no, I'm a student She was like, what's your name and then just like looking she was like, oh, okay Yeah, and then like, you know had to but after because you don't sound like one of our students No, she was like, you don't look like you have a bag of cash. Like that's just what I did always I'm like, do I need this and then um and then so my dad is like again, first of all Chuck Schumer

You know talked at the thing they had it was like a very like Kind of religious it was a public school But they wanted to like make sure all the bases were covered so you had Chuck Schumer Center from New York talking for like the Jews and then you had um a catholic priest like a cardinal um a bishop I met talking and then you had a like a muslim Uh, what is it a shaman not a shaman an imam? What is it an ilan omar? What is it, you know, the imam omar? I don't know what it is. The uh, and um, you know a muslim priest a muslim high priest a fucking sultan

I don't know but a good guy a good muslim kid an imam. Yeah, imam. Okay So he starts and they do there's like, you know, it's like, you know, thousand people and The imam starts doing a prayer in muslim and we're like very much like, you know, I'm sitting with the student body Again getting a doctorate degree. So it's prestigious and you know, my it's like an arabic or something Yeah, and it's an arabic. He's like, hello, and then my like it waits to like it's dead science And my dad just yells out from the back hakuna matata And then people are like that and I knew and that's the thing you had 500 people all turned around Except me. I was looking straight at because I knew it was my fucking dad and I was like, nope

I'm just gonna keep looking straight ahead. Yeah, just straight ahead. There's there's something by the way It's a consistent thing you find Yeah, because I moved a lot. Yeah, there was a always the kid Yeah with the eccentric dad. Yes, who was always not amused neither But everybody else was no like one of my best friends in high school his dad when I met him I went like I met him in school and I hang out I go to his house and his dad has a heavy accent Cuban guy He goes, are you here to pick up my little girl today? I go, what? And he's like, he's like my little girl. Are you here to pick her up?

And I go, uh, yeah, and he comes out and he's like just straight face and he's like, hey, see I see you met my dad Yeah, and he goes And I go, yeah, and he goes, what are you two little faggots going to do today? I was like, uh So as but as I'm laughing he's just like, okay dad good Like and every time for four years And actually, you know for the 20 cents if I see him his dad will say call us something like retards or fat Sure and like and do a whole thing. Yeah, he sang a song calling us homos

Yeah, and like and every time my friend is straight faced Yeah, and all everybody else is dying loving it Well, because you know even from like an early age like you said you were young when that happened Like even you know that happened when I was whatever 27, but Flashback I was like eight. We're at my cousin's recital and it was just me My dad and my cousin because the our moms couldn't make it because they were working or something So it was you know Saturday afternoon like, you know, the the ballet is going on the recital and you know A bunch of eight and nine year old kids and little girls doing it and my cousin's up and it's nice

I mean, you know, I'm a kid. I'm like kind of paying attention. I don't really care I was like drag there and my dad's there like reading the paper. He doesn't care same thing back row And then the the like leader of like the teacher of the ballet was like maybe like a 25 year old woman You know like really pretty woman from what I could remember and he and you know, it's like intermission Am I I never forget my dad's like, oh, this is nice. It's halftime. I never called it And it's like intermission and it's like you can hear like a pin drop again Like dead silence and she's like about to say something like hey like it's intermission or whatever and my dad just yells I'll never forget like it was like in slow motion. He goes show your bush

And then starts laughing at the other dance and nobody's laughing And I remember being a kid like just like knowing like this is not right. Yeah, like that's not I was like, oh boy And then like, you know, like he would but again like the The greatest father like the like I can't explain to you like such a great dad Everything I mean, he just wanted to make sure I had a good life and it was like again like right intentions wrong move Like you took me. Yeah, sorry, but isn't it so upsetting when nobody laughs? I mean, did anybody laugh at the akuta matata that that was really funny. Yeah the hakuna matata

I don't remember if anybody laughed because I because you go in you probably had adrenaline shooting through your body Yeah, I mean you're just like yeah, I do, you know, my family members would laugh like my cousins knew who were there like they're like It's fucking hilarious. That's the best to have an uncle. Yeah, the uncle doing that is the best I mean, it's just you know maniac guy, but again like just really like well-intentioned Man, you see it told us show the bush show the bush Look, you've known me for years and you know what I value the most is therapy I myself have been in therapy for a decade It has changed my life and I know sometimes it takes a long time before you get your stuff together and you go

Not anymore. There's no excuse not to do therapy with talk space I know even when money's tight, you're like, I don't I don't want to invest in myself But it should be at the top of your mind because mental health is a necessity Not a luxury with talk space online therapy You can connect with a licensed therapist for a fraction of the price of in-person therapy Get matched with your perfect therapist from the comfort of your device and reach out 24 7 whenever something's on your mind Which is huge because you don't have to wait until your next appointment Unlike in-person therapy sessions talk space gives you 24 7 access

to your online therapy room It's affordable and there's a huge network of therapists to choose from And talk space is secure and private the bottom line is we all need someone to talk to talk space wants to give us the support We deserve at a price we can't afford As a listener of this podcast you get a hundred dollars off your first month on talk space To match with your perfect therapist go to talkspace.com or download the app Make sure to use the code your mom to get one hundred dollars off your first month and show your support for the show That's your mom and talk space.com. Oh my god. I was at Dwight Gooden's no hitter in 1996

and um and uh We're at the game and like the upper deck and my dad's like knows like Dwight Gooden's pitching a no hitter like it's and I'm you know a little kid I'm just happy to be at the game with my dad and my dad's like we're not going to fucking watch a no hitter from up here We got to go down behind home plate and I'm like, well, we don't have tickets for that You know, he's like just listen to everything I tell you to do It's like a swear to god like true 100 story. This is like crazy And um, I've told this I've told this story before but it's it's like just like sometimes when I talk it

It's like, oh, I forgot about that part Because it's just like certain things block out and then certain things you're like, oh this might happen So just to set it up though for people you're at a major league baseball game where a major event is a very rare thing Is happening. Yes, you're in bad seats Yes, and you want to get to the pre-most seats and you're like, we don't have tickets and your dad's like follow my lead Also, yes, also I forgot about this part. Also, it's 1996. I'm in uh sixth grade My father I had a humongous science project do the next day that I did not complete in time My father comes from Staten Island to pick me up for the game. My mother's like, Tony

I don't care what's going on again. No cell phones yet. I don't care what's going on You leave after the third or fourth inning. He needs to be home to wake up early tomorrow morning to finish the science project Those are the rules. I don't care. He needs to come home and do not give him any soda As soon as my mother shuts the door we get to the corner My dad takes out a fucking mountain dew the worst of all sodas just takes it out gives it to me Here you go kid. He goes here you go. He goes just don't obviously don't tell your mom He goes but I mean she can't deprive you of everything. I mean you're a kid So like we're drinking the mountain dew and I'm fucking wired. I'm like ready to go. I'm like, I love my dad

You know And then I told my dad, you know, it was like maybe like nine o'clock and I'm like, oh It's like the third or fourth inning goes. We'll stay one more inning like whatever like it's what's we'll tell you mother's Train problems. Don't worry about it. So I'm like, okay So then it's like the fifth inning sixth inning seventh inning and you're still gonna hit her pitching the no hitter and my dad's like She's gonna understand She's gonna understand Dwight's pitching to no no I'm like, I don't think my mom knows what that is or cares. She doesn't like sports or right

She hates you So I feel like She's gonna care and it's gonna get bad But I'm 12 years old. I'm hanging with my dad I'm on mountain dew and hot dogs and fucking having a great time with my dad. So I'm like, this is awesome So he goes just follow everything I tell you to go So we he's holding my hand and as he's holding my hand He goes take your hat off because they're running yank yet and he I swear he pushes my bangs down

I don't know what that means. Just pushes my bangs down and he holds my hat. I'm like, okay So we're going down and then the security guard, you know, this is again pre 9 11 So you could just walk around the stadium So the security guards there at the top of the seats that are going directly down behind home plate And he sees two or three open seats. He goes, hey, I see two or three open down there Can I just you know, it's my kids fucking first game and Dwight's pitching to no no Like you understand my dad's going to pull out cash, you know cash and the security guard says put your money away That's not going to work on me. He goes. I understand. He goes when my kids got special needs

I swear And then I look up at him like with like my mouth open because I don't know what to do and I swear like I didn't mean for this happen. I was such in shock that some drool did come out of my chin And then the security guard rubs me on my head and goes have a good time kid And we sit down in these two seats the row in front of me. It's like a 12 year old's wet dream I'm like, fuck and then it's like a complex. So I'm like, do I look like I have special needs because Nobody ever told me I did But you know, like it's like I remember walking down the steps like what the fuck am I does like you did good

The drool was a good touch and I'm like, I don't know what to say or do And then the row in front of I swear to god, I don't know what to do Dude, the row in front of me the row fucking directly in front of me. I'm 12 years old 1986 Mr. Perfect the wrestler mr. Perfect sitting in front of me. I love the wf. I was a kid Mr. Perfect sitting right there and I'm like dad. That's mr. Perfect and he's like, who's that? And I'm like, he's a wrestler like my favorite wrestlers. Oh my god And then he I'll never forget he goes yo perfect drop the mister. He goes yo perfect

He goes can my son get an autograph and then mr. Perfect says no I swear mr. Perfect says no Yeah, and then like a few minutes right here Yeah, mr. Perfect And then my a few minutes go by a few minutes go by and my dad taps him on the shoulder again He goes perfect kids got special needs I swear to god and then I got the autograph And it's one of those things where people like you make that up for a bit like it's too and I'm like, no, no, no

You have to understand I didn't want to do comedy my therapist was the one who decided who suggested it when I was in my mid 20s Like you ever think about doing comedy. Are you serious? I swear to god. He was like dr. Freidelberg in Brooklyn He was like, I just think like you're a personable guy and you should tell some of these stories because I would tell them Not in a funny way in the final burger Like telling him be like, you know, it really hurt me. It's got special needs. You kids got special needs I was like it kind of bothered me that my dad would say that to me or you know It feels insulting like I love history like I have a podcast now the history hyenas history hyenas You and Yanis right me and Yanis Papa's we both love history so much

We come from different parts of Brooklyn, but we love history so much but for so long I was suppressing that because my dad would just fucking say like in a loving way like history's for homos Like even when I said the history hyenas, he was like the history homos, no and I was like, yeah So so all these things about me that I just thought were like I thought it was gay Between my dad and his friends and my Brooklyn all in all my friends are cops firemen garbage men criminals like old school New York guys that are loving great guys But it's just like all like I thought if you had knowledge or if you wanted to go to school It was like that's you know, you might as well be sucking dick

So I was just suppressing it all and just pushing it down and be like, okay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay Knowledge is for homos. Yeah, because it would be like everybody dropped out like, you know like even when I got my doctorate degree Like I remember one of my friends like he didn't get it He was like, I don't understand you fucking went to college like you just went to the college and now you go into another college I get stupid we go back to back colleges. I'm like, I'm getting a doctor degree. He's like, but are you a fucking real doctor? I was like, no, I'm a physical therapist. Yeah, he was like, can you write me prescriptions? And I was like, why do you want to know? He's like, I just want some Xanax It's fucking street value. Yeah, you must have your dad's friends

You must there must be some wild friends hanging out like your dad's friends. Oh, like bobby pets all those yeah like barbecues I didn't realize like when you ever go to barbecue at my father's house in the 90s Like so much fun like characters and characters. I do a joke about it in um I did David Lennon David Lennon the other story fucking There if you want ever watch my David Lennon said you don't have to but the only reason I'm bringing it up is because about three minutes into The biggest set of my life at that time for sure um

You see like me look up and then look down and then like get back into the set It's because my father mother and uh one of my friends from home and my aunt were there like and my stepmom You know my core family members and friends um My dad in the middle of the set decides that my mom is the one sitting center And he was like you weren't and you know, my friend told me after he's like There was a commotion that you could hear because it's pin drop silence When my dad was arguing with my mother that they should switch sheets and he should be center

And if he's going to look up in the crowd to see him and then my friend was like he was like it because Lynn you weren't at his first show at the Maui taco I was And they're arguing about it and my mother during the set during the letterman said that the ushers came down the eye Because they don't fuck around the ushers came down the aisle and we're like, you know Like my friend was like, you know the flashlight like hey because they they know who's sitting where they're like Hey, we know that's your kid if you don't stop we will throw you out And then my dad was just like, you know like looked ahead like pissed off

And my mother was just like so and like I heard that commotion, but that's just That's why you look that's why I look up because I heard it and I was like, oh boy And you knew what it was I knew what it was but again like that's like wrong of my dad, but he's just like I'm just fucking so proud that that's my kid Of course so So it's um, but I tell a story a bit on letterman about one of my dad's friend They were like I always noticed and it's just like a true thing

I always noticed that they always had like companies that I knew weren't real That's how I knew like there was some illegal activity going on because I was like There's not a real Company because my one of my dad's friends he had a company I made up like nicknamed for him for the show But the truth is that he would sell like you know like in fences like there's little parts like like excess wire He told me once that's what his company goes you ever go into fence a nice neighborhood There's a little twisty things on top of the fucking pipes. I make those that's what I do

I sell the twisties then I had another guy tell me that he put buttons on top of hats He's like I got a company would do buttons on top of hats. It's called button hats And I just as a kid like I was like, oh, this is funny, but it was like they were making up Yeah, but why did they it was funny though? Is it do they make it so uninteresting? Like that you're like, you know when you're on an airplane back on the day and someone's like What do you do for a living? The last thing you say is comedian. No, yeah, I'm a fucking button maker I put the button and is that why you think they came up with such silly, you know pen caps. Yeah, I make them So nobody wants to hear it

I think because you know my mom, you know, it's very different lives like Monday to Friday was my mom all about education We're working on our words. We're pronouncing our rs. We're going to be Kind of socially acceptable and then weekends with my dad on Staten Island was just free for all whatever you want Fucking let's go crazy sports, you know, whatever You're going to be a man that type of stuff So I my mother would always say like, you know, like when you go into a party, you know, introduce yourself Ask a question show you're interested all that stuff So I would just like, you know, thought that applied to everyone but I remember like one of my dad's friends

I was like, oh, hey, what do you do for a living? And I remember he said, what are you writing a fucking book report? He's like this kid's right. He's like Tony and then I've never forget. He says every day goes Tony I mean, it's fuck you. Is he talking to fetch to this fucking kid, you know, like, you know, and I was like, I was like, uh You know My birthday party I'm just welcoming and you know and and then that they would go into that and then yeah, like my I remember it was always a good sign, by the way If you just ask the one like one question like what's your what's with the questions? Like I'm just asking you one fucking question. It's my first question kids writing a fucking book report

And then it was like it was the other day But then they would joke around like after like they always tap me down for a wire Which was like funny to them and they would laugh like I feel like uh, what the fuck, you know They were like kids wearing a wire and then um, but it was kidding But then I kind of like was always on the fence because I don't know if they are I don't know if they are and I don't Ask any questions. I don't care like I love being with my dad and he's a great guy or whatever But then it was maybe like 2000. I don't remember the exact year. Maybe 2007 humongous sting operation in new york where they arrested like

130 members of the mafia like it was the biggest they had to rent out a gymnasium to like and bring a judge in because it was This is huge sting operation I like effectively put like the final nail and like the old school mafia's coffin after juliani Institute recoact it took like 15 years for everybody to start to go away But this was like the kind of thing and then I it was on the news They showed all the guys like the mug shots and like 15 of them were at my dad's barbecue throughout the years I was like, okay, so now I know. Yeah now. I don't remember that's like all these guys

I know that guy that guy that guy that guy that guy that guy. I'm like here we go. So um But yeah, I mean again just to fucking like the greatest dad In the world wild dude, even like stories like that aren't really even like because I just feel like It's like unfair in like these times now We're like the woke police will just like want to persecute someone It's like very like fascist whether like if you don't agree with me you're like the worst person like my dad Like anything my dad said around like some woke person I mean it would be like what the fuck like, you know, my dad would not get a netflix special

You know, like they're like no and Not happening. No, but like my like in 2012 when hurricane sandy happened Ravage new york destroyed new york, especially statin. I don't know my dad lives And on the coast there were like these little bungalows were like a lot of like, you know Like latinos lived and it was like kind of like like low income housing But it was mostly latinos living there and my dad every day would rent a u-haul truck or whatever Help them unload stuff in and out of the truck, uh, you know get them on their feet for two weeks

He had a family In his house because his house wasn't really damaged in his basement Let them live would take the kids to and from school every day But he was still my dad. So like for example like the the leader of the family the father His name was jose my dad would call him one. He's like one. You want some bestello? You know, we don't have bestello like hide the silverware. You're not gonna steal my forks fucking Pedro I'm like the kid's name is jason, you know And but like the act so, you know, like the intentions were i'm gonna help this

So you would talk to you would talk to the family and they'd be like still they're like your dad is like our hero I feel like reasonable people get that that is Just like the layers of human beings, right? You know that you're like There's a guy who's doing great things and he makes off-color comments and jokes It's only like in today's world where people make the biggest deal About the comments and then just discard the act of the behavior. Look at people's behavior. That's how you judge a man Well, that's what I feel too like

I'm kind of realizing too. I don't know if you guys are realizing it Like there's also like an entitlement and being a victim too Like being a victim is like you're just as entitled job for some people and you're just as narcissistic As the people that you claim to hate, you know, if you hate trump or you hate anybody in power You're like, you're just you everything being it's like life is not easy. There's different everybody There's different phases and every group of human beings every decade. We have to deal with a new crisis That's just what life is. But it's like if you're going to sit here and say that 2020 Is not is is worse than the 1800s in New York. It's like you're being a victim. You're being entitled to being narcissistic

It's like stop like really understand like how good things are even in the midst of a pandemic as compared to the 1800s or 1900s It's absurd. But you know, most people if you say that they're like, fuck you You know, like so it's like it's just a little like exhausting now where I'm like, I like people in the middle I like centrist people. I'm like if you're taking a fucking stand on one side or the other I'm just like you're probably too much for me Like I need to know I'm christie down the middle. I'm christie gray zones. Yeah, so which way is it gonna go? You know, that's what I like. I think most reasonable people are absolutely. Yeah, I think so Yeah, yeah, do the right thing in november, you know, do the right thing. Uh, make america great again

Keep it great. I'm glad you mentioned it trump 2020. No, no, I actually don't know Oh Oh for the donald trump is the man Let's put our nation Into his hands Mike Pence and donald Make a great team They'll make our nation

The greatest it's been They've got the wisdom courage and pride criminal clinton ought to go high They know our borders Leak like a sieve They'll build a wall that's high and strong and it's not gonna give

Well, there's more of that but you understand. Well, do we finish the wall or not? It's coming Very patriotic Great guy. No, it's a great guy. Nice chain too. Jesus is fucking height and weight and gold Something my dad would wear With a yankees batting practice jersey. Oh my god. Yeah That's all that guy would wear and fucking suit jacket sweatpants. You know, good my kind of Did you know when we moved to florida when I was 14 and I got my haircut? I ever tell you this by A really italian new york guy named silvio

Okay And he had a heavy accent and he would take two hours to cut my hair because he would go like clip clip and he's step step back Yeah, talk. Yeah, he'd like Yeah, blah, blah, blah. He would talk and I found him like so entertaining sure and over time, you know, I get to know This guy's cut my hair year one year two years So I'm like, you know, I always start pressing questions, right? Yeah, like so when did you move down here? Yeah, he's like it happened like Like

98 or something like that police. No, he's like and he's real sweet guy And then one day just through all the italian stories and stuff and I go Did you ever know any like mob guys up there? He just stopped and he was like, yeah And I go, what did like did you know him? He's like and he just one day. He just tells me he goes So this crew used to use my shop as a meeting place because they needed A place that wasn't compromised And I go so how did it work? He goes they would a guy would just come in and say we need to talk here

And then I would go for a walk and then I would when I came back they would be gone and there would just be cash on the Table when I was like, oh shit. Yeah, and of course, I'm a high school kid. I was like, that's awesome. He's like as fucking terrified, man Yeah, and then and then and I'm like, so why why did you move down here though? He was like Because yeah, you got to get away. Yeah. Yeah, he moved down to florida just to get away from that. Yeah Yeah, I would too. Anytime you ask like an old italian man or I say it's mostly italian If you're like from new york and you ask them, oh, what'd you do for a living if they say many things?

You know, they're telling you that i'm in the mafia. That's like the little code. Yeah, they say many things That's how you know I had a a friend whose uh, dad was uh into crimes that was uh Latin, okay in the latin world what they say when you know, they're in like definitely a criminal import-export Yeah And you're like, what's your dad doing? Import-export you're like, what what do you import and export though? Like yeah good Clothes and they're like all types of things all time. Yeah drugs. That's what it is. Yeah, import-export. Good. Yeah

Could you have a more vague description of your job? Just import-export import-export. That's true My dad was always friends with these old school hungarians that were like missing knuckles. Sure One guy, um, he's dead now. He he would do this thing where he would refill ink Ink cartridges. Okay, like he would get them out of dumpsters and then refill them and sell them as new And he made millions of dollars doing this and then he would make it all off the books He had no social security number Anyway, he ended up getting cancer in miami and couldn't get health insurance Because he had no social security number couldn't get anything

It had to pay cash for all of his cancer treatments and like basically lost all the money for being Fuck from all his crimes. It's real sad. Which sucks for him. You want to keep your cash from your crimes? Yeah Then you had all then there was that one hongo that I met at a party hongo was like We're like somebody made the comment like he had the Slim waist and they're like they're like looking good. He was one apple one apple a day That's what you eat. He's like all day. He goes for lunch. I have an apple. That's it. That's it. And that's all you need I'm like, that's not all I need, dude. Yeah He's like a lot more. Do you want to lose weight? Yeah, I've had three starbucks pumpkin scones this morning three

There are 500 calories each Chrissy bitch hips Yeah, I just yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I need to fucking eat. Yeah. I just gotta eat shit I get angry. I feel like your dad would be a fan of dampenia. Do you know dampenia? Oh my god? No, no, no, this is dampenia Everybody likes shit and why have I been so fucking successful over these 25 years because it fucking works And the reason you're here you snowflake cunt is because nobody treated you like shit Tough love works

You're fucking weenies. Oh, I love this guy. Yeah, he's the best. I mean that guy like literally that's a guy That's a guy for me. Yeah. Yeah, just you know, that's a guy for me. I don't care It's like what political affiliations like I'm just looking at him as a human being. That's a guy for me Yeah, I love that shit. Danny got the money Okay, I got yeah, I got a few bob. Yeah, okay You support trump Yep, okay. I was one of the first endorsers public endorsers of president trump What are you guys gonna do when our ocean level rises? Oh god

Thank you for asking that question. I have the answer now. Let me finish. I have the answer Thank you for the question Okay We're changing the gas now. You're full of shit sit down. I'm gonna answer you I'm gonna add this shut up and shut up and sit down Sit down I live for this stick florida for example, which is one of the fastest growing I just love this guy's a 10 out of 10. Oh, he's amazing hanging out with losers

Wasting your time with people that mean correct. Yeah, show me your friends and I'll show you your future That's one of your top tops. It is three pieces show me your friends and I show you your future You want to know why you're all fucked up? Just look at the fucking bums you hang around with Do this authentic? Yeah, that's what I that's what I'm drawn to is fucking real. He's a real guy. Yeah, this is why you're fucking poor You're a cunt brine not me. I love it Isn't he the best the best I can't believe never heard of this guy Oh, he said oh damn pain. Is anyone ever said fuck you damn pain. Yeah, I'm walking out the door No, I've thrown a couple out, but nobody's ever said that. No, I take that back one

One, uh, romanian walked out the door because he said I was making fun of him calling them a gypsy aroma But then when we came back in the afternoon he was sitting in the library And I thought I thought I thought you left. He says no, no, no, you were right I'll be the first if I walk. Yeah, if you walk you'll be you'll be the there'll be plenty of cunts here But you may be the first cunt to walk out Sweetest guy I've guys ever had him on the show. Yeah, and we had and we had lunch with him Is he just same same guy a wonderful guy? He's actually, you know, like he's he is authentically the same guy Um, I remember I was like, hey, uh, I was like, can I get some?

You know, you're a business coach. So yeah, I get some business advice and he's like, yeah, what about and I go Like so, you know, what's like a good advice for me? Like he's like, well, like how do you make most of your money? Yeah, and I go, uh Touring doing stand-up shows. She goes do more fucking shows. Yeah, I was like, is that the advice? Yeah, yeah, make more money do more shows fuck face. And I was like, all right. Thanks man. Yeah No, but business-wise you guys are fantastic with the business. I mean fantastic like absolutely, um Admiral and inspirational like even the um, the live Show streaming shows. Yeah. Yeah, I I'm trying to do one. I'm doing one on october 23rd apm christy comedy dot com

But I was like, man like watching the way you guys promo and all that stuff I'm like, that's like you guys are obviously excellent at the show But the business part which I think a lot of us forget in entertainment is like that's important way As important maybe more You know where I'm like, man like fucking that's that's what we got to do So I've been trying to focus more on that like how do I I got to like bring people To that's why I've been on patreon a lot because I feel like man if they can cancel anybody out here Like we got to have a place where it's like, yeah

I want to be able to say whatever the fuck I want and if the person wants to pay five bucks for it They can pay five bucks for it, you know Well good and because the gatekeepers of this business are no longer the gatekeepers. They have no more power No, no manager. No agent none. No executive is going to get fired in two fucking weeks is going to control you anymore And they're and good good riddance. You can do it all yourself. You don't need them I feel like the algorithm the algorithm is the gatekeeper now. That's right. That's right And it's smart of you to be doing that stuff and doing your life. Yeah, I'm doing the live stream and what's your live stream? Is it a stand-up live stream or just like a stand up? I was going to do stand up

But where are you going to do it? Wall Street theater norwalk kinetic and you're going to stream it stream it So there's a hundred only a hundred people loud in the theater those tickets are sold out But then you know on my website you can like you see that's great I can get as many in as you know, whatever 50,000 seats whatever So I'm gonna you know try to like give people an opportunity if I've never come to your city or all over the world I mean anywhere so do it keep it up for 48 hours People get the tickets for that chris d comedy.com chris d comedy.com. Yeah, and then actually we just did an episode on the history

Iina's podcast. It's about um this guy Clarence King Who's like we call him like the original Sean King because like Sean King, you know, she guys know she's a king It's like, you know, it's like activist activist, but he's clearly white. He's just saying he's black You know, like we did like a whole episode and by the way every time that anything happens And like he says something all of black twitter just goes fuck this piece of shit. Yeah, it's un is remarkable Yeah, you're like what like dude, I don't the only problems I have is like, okay You want to start, you know, if you're starting something with a lie, it's like a problem But it's like hey if you're doing good for the community great

But it's like a lot of times he'll lie and like incite shit and you're like that's the issue I have with you dude. Yeah, but so we found this guy Clarence King Who pretty much like just like liked this Like he was a white guy and then he just saw a black woman walking towards him in like the 1920s And was like there's no way this girl's gonna go out with me if I say I'm white So he just introduced himself as a black man. He was like, hey, I'm black Here's my name and then they got married like 10 years later But if you google the picture Clarence King, this guy looks like you we were calling him funny

I was calling him Tom Segura on the podcast Let's see Clarence King google Clarence King and then just images one of the pictures we thought look at that That one the third one in it was like that looks like Tom Segura a little bit Tommy Yeah, so Clarence King and I was like there he is there you are and let's see like that's an episode that like The airline we put it out. Yeah, we black. I'm black and if you're black, I would like to have sex with you too Yeah, it's just a fascinating thing. That's what our podcast is. We just find things in history. That's that's fat So this dude, that's really what happened. He just literally walk Oh, and then go to the picture to the right there because that must be him and the lady. That's him and his lady

Yeah, but he had to he had to um, where was what city was he in? Um, I think I'm forgetting now. I think it was either Ohio or new york Why is he notable like why is there a wiki of him because because he at the end of his so that he had a wife He had a white wife and three white kids and then married this woman Oh has black wife and had kids with her and it was only on his death bed. Did he ever say? Hey, I'm white. I I've never been black because back then in that time and like the in this time If you because the white man was like so on top you just have to believe what he said So if I'm if I'm a white man saying hey, guess what? I'm black as a black woman or you have to just pretty much

Just go with it. Yes, because if not like you could be trouble in your life So that's but he was like but for the most part black women wouldn't date black men Like they be black women wouldn't date white men So he's just like made a split second decision like he was like this girl's got fucking He's hot. Yeah, so I'm gonna just say I'm black for the rest of my life So he left his white wife and no he had his wife and white wife and kids and he would go on business trips back home Back and forth but the controversy was at the end of his life on his death But he left his inheritance. He had a lot of money

He left it to the black wife because he really fell in love with her I loved her and she never got the money in 30 years later But we just did like the first Sean King because we was like right so Clarence Sean King Yeah, it's a great granddad. We just always thought it was like a funny thing That's very funny But like episodes like this like we did a lot of it on youtube But then like when we really started getting fucking nuts and wild, you know, we just put it on patreon That's the way to do it. So that's just what we do

So that's the way to do it and like all like on patreon like we're doing a morning show there Every wednesday like just saying wild shit about the news we do conspiracy show We do like you guys have good chemistry. We feed it. You're honest and I try to feed it So it's patreon.com slash bay ridge boys if you guys want to check it out and support and because I just feel like Then you become like invincible like I feel like you guys can't be canceled Andrew Schultz and tim dillon these guys can't none of it can be canceled So I want that you know like even now i'm doing a pilot for true tv And I asked them I was like have you guys like listened to some I've said wild shit on my podcast like wild nuts fucking shit

And they were like, yeah, we listen We don't kind of don't care and if the show gets on the air like we'll deal with it then but even that I'm like Well, if you are going to cancel me it kind of almost helps in a weird way even though like I don't want to go through that It's like oh because then it people say like I've not only come with things like from love like I I was going to make like a Racist joke. It's like it's because I'm it's a joke like I love people I'm from New York if we love everybody But this cancel culture shit I'm like happy to have a place where it's like even if you took it all the way for me protected there

My fans would be like no, we're strong. We're your base. Yep. So and they will yeah, dude. I hope so Well, no, no, I won't do anything to support the Chinese No, I am on tiktok. Yeah, okay. Good. Yeah, so Christina curates Talks what she likes to call dark talks not the ones that they want you to see not people doing fun dances and making cupcakes This is the other way the real tiktok. Let's see. And we just check them out every week. All right. Hey guys Hey guys, I'm sorry about my hair. You know all that, but I'm Um, I did my yoga this morning And just so you know that's part of my three, um

Workouts that you get when you buy when you buy my workout plans And it is really great. It stretches me out It gets me motivated for the day You should get it guys Come on and get your yoga workout That is a good sales fix. Remember guys, you are worth it. You're worth it. You're worth it. Thank you Thank you. Third workout of the day, man. I like it dude. He looks Amish. Yeah, he does And uh, first thing I think when I see him is like this guy knows how to work out 100%

Well, you want to do your workout ad laying down on a bed. Yeah That really shows people the third workout today so energized, but I'd be more inclined to support this guy Yeah, I would support this guy. I'm like as fucking guy seems all right. You know, I'm not I know I'm not going to get anything from a workout class. Anyway, I just like you either do it or you don't do it I eat too many black and white cookies. I'll tell you this later on. Um, I'll just uh, I'll let you know I got one of his workouts. Okay, and um, I'll share it with you after. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate it I think it's probably better off the air. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to give away Something charges for for secrets can't wait to get ripped. He's also got a sale for military police and firefighters

They get five dollars as they should. Yes. Very very cool. I just wanted to update you guys on his career Thanks a lot for pulling that. Yeah Thank you Good morning, my queen. You are very stunning Thank you for the compliment and you have a wonderful day You're the queen of the day I love that it says we love a non pedophilic king Well, don't forget. Hello my 18 and this guy sometimes makes it clear that he's like

Good morning my 18 plus queens. Yeah, which is important in 2020. It is these you know, he's taking full credit I like that guy. Yeah, I'm pedophilic. I'm trying to I think uh Yeah, is it Here Is this that's the original one there we go the dark one the dark one good morning. My queen's above 18 Yes, he makes it real clear and he rhymes it. Yeah, my queen's above 18 queen team. Yeah, did you find out by the way? Did you find out? What was going on here? Do you hear something to think about? Do you know when you drink alcohol?

Oh my god, you live every deteriorate And after that You're gonna be my dad all is this Okay, okay. All right. That's it. That's exactly how my dad put my bangs at the Yankee game That's what I felt like for about a month after I I was like looking at them like this was me when I was 12 That is the one of the funniest things that is the distinct heritage special needs Kids special needs. I mean this ticked her like enjoy enjoy the game. Yeah

Dude my dad fucking so he was like with all like to defund the police thing Like he like they had one they had a march in Bay Ridge Which is like a fucking crazy part of brooklyn like outskirts like probably like a red, you know votes red area But it was so funny, dude Like they tried to fucking do like a little protest through bay ridge and it just didn't work there to defund the police And then the bay ridge guys came out with signs that said refund the police They were like refund them give them more fucking money I say we pay him double time and then people just like laugh

Yeah, my dad it's just funny to just watch people leave you know Well, this whole thing now everything now is like theatrics though. Oh sure it's really for show Like I don't know how many people really no people are bored as fuck. Yeah, they're bored out of their mind I cannot get turned on or stay interested if there is no power play or fight for power Either in the streets or in the sheets I need both otherwise. I'm just gonna get bored and I'm gonna overpower you

and I'm No, I need to be bullied as well and I need you to fight me Didn't you love her? I just love her. Pretty cool chick. Is she being serious? Yeah, she's like she's a lesbian on tiktok and she's always putting these cool like What I just love it. I just think she's absurd putting it out there like that Yeah, I mean that this to me was always like I know she's a lesbian but Like in a straight woman that type of like I need to be I need you to fuck with me psychologically Yeah was always a turnoff of what do you mean? Like uh, I need to make sure you play games

If we are together psychotic. I thought when the video started. I thought it was tony hinge cleft She could kick tony's ass, she probably could yeah easily. Oh my god If you can handle me on my pathological need for both validation and affection You don't deserve me at my also pathological need for extremely rough and kinky sex They're a great match. It's too bad. She's gay. I love this guy. Yeah, I do too. Wow It's a lot these millennials are just demanding shit from people Yeah, he's one of the most terrifying guys. I think we've ever featured his arms are so long man I know shockingly long arms also the complete total lack of emotion in his eyes. It's a little off-putting. He's dead inside. Yeah, right?

He's like no blinks. Yeah fucking nuts. If you might need like, okay, all right Yeah, it's an interesting approach to dating. I mean you really just put it out there Those are very specific needs to look at the eyes and also to stay the completely monotone. Yeah, let's see it again I want to say and in the shower. He's doing it If you can handle me on my pathological need for both validation and affection You don't deserve me at my also pathological need for extremely rough and kinky sex God, I know that nose piercing also is it's really right in the middle. It's just right there Yeah, I mean you go to that. What do you do you go? You go drill drill it right fucking here

And he's like 15 years old. What does he know about his kinky? But like a guy like this like leaves an impression on people Have you ever been in the presence of like a true sociopath? Yeah, like a dead inside person? I haven't but my my Aunt tells this fucking the way she told the story to us once where I was we were like what? So her husband is originally from Utah. Okay, and his sister when she was like, I don't know 16 Oh, no, not 16 19 in like the 70s goes on a date with this guy

and my answer is like telling a story goes on a date with this guy and He's he's like, you know, she's like she's on the date with this guy She's just like there's like a sociopathic look in his eyes like he's dead inside like he picked her up and it's weird And she's just like I just feel extremely uncomfortable like I cannot explain. I'm just shivering with fear I don't want to be here anymore on the date because she would ask him questions And she was like it would it would like bounce off him and he'd give like a Programmed response like robotic in the 70s and she was like I was very uncomfortable with it And so she called her brother my aunt's husband to come pick her up and he was like, okay

So comes picks her up they go back no problem The her brother is going out the next morning at like 6 30 in the morning for like his paper route or something Like that the job that he had and the guy on the date from the night before runs out of the bushes So he was waiting at the house to like do something whatever and it's like so creepy and weird and like it just stayed It stayed with this woman for so long Five years later whatever it was fucking Ted Bundy. It was Ted Bundy. She went out on a date with Ted Fucking Bundy and to this day never she said when you're ever in the presence of a sociopath You know, she was like I've never in a million years. She's like he wasn't doing anything wrong

He was just looking through me at the way that I felt so violently uncomfortable and it was fucking Ted Bundy He already killed women at that time and like was 100% just going to kill this lady Which I was like how sick is that and that when I looked at that guy I just thought of that Ted Bundy So I was like that's like a little yeah, yeah, it's like a it's like a gender fluid Ted Bundy Yeah, he's got this guy Bundy right sure if you were like, uh When you come in bed and like just cut me open he'd be like, okay. Yeah Okay, yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, he's that's

Really crazy. Yeah, she told that she was telling us that story And we were like, wow, this is like we're on the edge of our seats. We're like crazy And then she was like, can guess who it was? Yes, Ted Bundy. How about that? Yeah, she's like Ted Bundy. Turkey's done What a kid you've just entered black country tiktok. So mind how you go and keep out the lost road This one's a master of accents. Can you understand what the fuck just happened there? Very small bits and pieces of it. Yeah, I I thought he was having a stroke. Yeah, that's what I thought the tiktok was What oh our kid you've just entered black country tiktok. So mind how you go and keep out the lost road

Mind how you're going to keep out the off-road I don't know, but you've just entered black country tiktok tiktok. Yeah, I would not think black country tiktok would be that guy It's not that it's a bunch of area. Yeah, that guy or the kinky teenager kinky teen all the way kinky teen Running into the kinky teen outside that house with the ultimate Hey, Chrissy, hi Are you ready to push me psychologically? Hey, what's up? I'm Jimmy Creech. I'm just looking for a pen pal Or a friend or maybe more if you're feeling the vibe then hit me up at jpeg.com. All right, peace out

I'm from Idaho originally from california. What's up hit me up currently incarcerated need some friends It's a friend this guy needs a patreon. Yeah Well, this is cool. So this is a tiktok prison love and friendship and you can hook up with inmates and by the way There's nothing better If you're out there and you're just looking to connect with somebody hit up jpeg james creche here James creche. He's from california. So we can talk about cali stuff. You can talk about california stuff. Yeah Yeah, very cool. I like this guy. Yeah, the shirt comes off for this one. Here we go Oh

Was this floyd mainweathers tiktok There it is fire That was really good. That was good, dude. Those are sweet hits. I mean, that's a big one I thought the ufc fight was the best fighting i'd seen in a while But this that was pretty good. I'm gonna send this to rogan if you don't mind give me this uh file It's really good. Do you think roman? I would love to hear his his comment You know I can send it to i'll send it to izzy. I'll send it to israel and be like you think you can fight this guy Yeah, yeah, see what he says. See what he says. I just love how he's like take my shirt off for this one

Yeah, he's really doing some shit. Yeah. Yeah, do you think like you could like last? like 10 seconds with like mike tyson. No, no, right? No, I know I don't know that I even now he's 53 and uh, yeah Here's the thing. I mean you could maybe last 10 seconds Of of not getting hit like you know, you could like if you're your athletic dude You could maybe but it once he if he's landing But even if you're blocking and he's landing body shot a couple hooks. Yeah, it's gonna be over real fast That's the thing with me too. It's like people was like, oh, you're athletic. It's a fucking it's a mirage, dude

I mean I played ball, but ever since then dude. It's leading man face best friend body. That's how I roll through these streets I auditioned for like a marvel movie like take your shirt off. It was like a good audition. I'm like put it back on Uh, I was like, yeah, it's just a letdown, but now I don't care and I'm just in a relationship The fighting is so much great Like fighting is insane with with when it comes to athleticism. Yeah, because athletic people will think like They can fight sometimes and you're like, do you have a background in fighting and they're like, no And you're like, why do you think that you'll just be able to fight? Like it's one thing to be like a fought a dude who said some shit to me and yeah, but like against a trained fighter

Oh, yeah, they're gonna fucking destroy you. One of my friends Russ got fucking annihilated this summer in Long Beach New York got into humongous fist fight got his fucking ass kicked because he popped off They were drunk he popped off on someone and he thought he could handle himself because he was take he had taken a month of cardio kickboxing Yeah, no, it's like cardio kickboxing. No, that's shit. My mom does. Yeah, you just got your ass handed to you I was in a boxing gym where It was like a class and then there was a there's a couple rings there So in the ring is a 19 year old junior olympian, right? Oh, boy. He's just warming up. He's doing he's he's jumping rope He's working mitts and then one of the kids who's been like side by side with us and we're doing drills

They you know, I whatever they're Tony like right jump in with him And I'm like you're gonna jump in with this junior olympian and I didn't know that this kid Who who who was like side by side doing drills with us in class was like a prodigy He gets in there and is like going toe to toe with this With this junior olympian and I go wait, how old is this this kid like this bad ass was 15 Whoa, he's 15 years old and I and I it was in that that was the moment where I was like This 15 year old without a doubt could fuck me up beyond recognition a sophomore in high school

Could beat the fucking oh, yeah, then Mike Tyson started like 13 years. Yeah Well, he was fucking people and he would fuck you up in the streets. Yeah, and they put them in Yeah, they put they started training them and they were like, okay monster. Yeah monster One of my friends when I was 19 years old just decided to get circumcised This kid he just decided to get circumcised Polish kid born in Poland He was dating this girl and she's like she didn't want the foreskin So he got the fucking circumcised and then she dumped him like two weeks later But he came into school on crutches, right? He comes in on crutches and he's I'm like, dude

Did you hurt your ankle or something like that? He's like, no, it's my back I'm like, you shouldn't be on crutches then he's like, no, I should be I'm like, what's going on like tell me the truth What's going on? I was like, don't make a big deal. But I got circumcised. She wanted me to get circumcised I'm like, let me see you fucking dick right now. So he pulled he pulls out his dick And I mean, dude, it looked like like an isis beheading video. It was like just I was like, holy smokes But we fucking like two days later, you know, it's idiot. He calls me. He's like, bro I think I got an infection in my car I'm like, yeah, well you got circumcised like why would you get circumcised like we're 19

So anyway, we go to the hospital I go to the hospital because he's like his dick is just like I mean he had a little dick and now it's like really like it's like he's like I can't even pee like my dick is inside my body So we go and we're waiting in the ER and a guy comes in who had from a boxing gym The reason I'm bringing up comes in boxing gym. He had just he was boxing sparring with someone and allegedly The story like what we were hearing from the nurses was he thought he was a little bit better a boxer than he was And trained with someone who was professional summer professional And they were kind of like digging in on each other and the professional hit him with an uppercut And skimmed his nuts by accident and split his nut sack open and his balls fell out of his sack

From a box because this fucking guy thought that he could fight a pearl fighter in you know some fucking sparring gym Good. I told the story. I told the story To joe who then told it who brought it up if you ever look up charlie murphy On so funny on rogan. Okay, so I find out charlie's doing rogan And I go you got to ask him about johnny gill And uh oscar dillahoya. He's like what? Yeah, so what happened was When I won that I won a contest. I said I met joe. I want a contest

To a stand-up contest to host shows for him right john heffron and charlie murphy went on tour The the maximum bud light real men of comedy tour was called And I i'm on the tour and charlie murphy Asked me if I want to go to dinner with him and I was like, yeah This is like at that just after the height of shappell show stuff And we're at dinner and johnny goes uh, he looks up at the tv. We're at some like restaurant. He goes. Do you think uh oscar dillahoya could whoop. Yes, and I was like, yeah He's like for like for real right and I was like without a doubt oscar dillahoya would fuck me up

He's like, that's what I think too and I was like What would give you any doubt about that and he's like johnny gill and I was like johnny What did johnny? What's johnny gill say? Yeah johnny gill the r&b saying sure sure. Yeah He goes johnny gill said that he could whoop oscar dillahoya's ass and I was like Why and he's like because he's pretty I was like dude. Yeah, it would happen so fast. You wouldn't even you wouldn't know johnny gill Started it would be over oscar dillahoya would beat the shit out of me in the lawn gerry and hills. He was wearing Yeah, remember when I got like he would fucking light me up. Yes dress like that. It's impossible to beat a professional

He's really tiny. I mean, he's tiny. Do you know the thing is powerful professional boxer would kill me Well, also it's like with oscar dillahoya and and anyone like that level It's the speed that ends up killing you right like you don't even know That four punches have hit you sure Like that and you would be like either on the ground or just completely disoriented. It's so fast so fast That's how I fight, but I love that johnny gill was like I could kick his ass. Yeah, johnny gill It's so random too. I know and I don't I mean it's it was it's such a ridiculous point that I was like Wait, johnny gill thinks he could beat up. He's like, yeah

You know who I heard is a fanat I did the show I hope this is a show with fat joe the rapper fat joe was the fucking greatest guy of all time Yeah, but so, you know, I haven't seen him in a few years, but when we did the show he told us his story like You fucking are kelly is like the baddest motherfucker of all time Like we'll beat the shit out of anybody and then like sing, you know, his songs like I never knew he was like, dude He was like, you know, because I said to him I was like, you know being like a tough rapper. I was like, who's a guy like you would never Fuck what he was like, you honestly want my real answer, bro? Mark Kelly. I was like Mark Kelly

He was like, dude He's a real motherfucker as real as it gets and then I was like, holy shit balls So I would never think everyone that like story first broke about him being a piece of shit I mean the first story that broke 10 years ago. Oh, yeah The same Chicago Sun Sun Times writer who wrote this expose and he's still like the guy he's in the documentaries now He said that um, he's like arc helen is a filthy man Sure, he doesn't shower. No, like and he will go like a week and he'll be just a complete Mess, you'll smell him like a fucking hallway that you'll be like, what is that?

And it'll be our Kelly just like in his phone. He's probably it's like full blown mental illness. That's just like he's a mentally sick guy Yeah, you know, not that that excuses anything. It's like you just you're you gotta just you know, you're saying that you You excuse it and that you love you're saying. No, I'm you're saying what chris is saying Yeah, chris is saying that our Kelly's actually a good guy. Yes, you should forgive him for anything that you think And and with and and I've been watching the video when he urinated on that girl because I have the prostatitis And I'm trying to get motivation to pee because I can't pee right now because my prostate's too swollen So that's the only thing I could do. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know I I Yeah, I don't I don't I don't know

Okay, well before we go here. I want to just re-plug everything history hyenas with you and you on his papa. Yes You have a patreon patreon.com slash bay ridge boys and on the what is it 16th? That you're October 23rd Sorry, October 23rd at chrisdcomedy.com live stream show anywhere in the country you can buy tickets right now anywhere in the world And then October 8th to the 11th. I'm on tour with Andrew Santino The steamy windows tour. That's right. You guys are doing drive-ins drive-ins. Cape Cod, massachusetts, which I believe is sold out And then uh butler pennsylvania scranton pennsylvania and delaware. Nice come check this was absolutely fantastic. Thank you for coming in Appreciate you guys. This was a lot of fun. Thank you our closing song cool girls club

And this is rare. It's by uh versace calachi a a female a lady Versace calachi Cool girls club and she also has a cameo by the desperate one my blue-haired Summer girlfriend from episode one of the live show. Oh, wow. Okay. Yes. Very nice. Thank you. Here we go For sachi calachi speaking, uh, who the fuck is this? It's me purple hair girl from the chair I was the one my cell phone cam that time remembers. Oh hell. Yeah, man. What up, sis? I remember you you were flicking your bean on the couch. Hey, I remember you what I don't have time to talk Listen, where are you at? Um, I'm just home here now. Hold up though. Where are you calling from?

I'm stuck way down in the mountain. I need you to come get me. Yeah, I could do that. I'm looking at Say eight o'clock 8 15 fuck you're doing good. Thank you so much You're literally saving my life. Bam. Say no more. I am on the way, bitch Awesome. Hit on me beat me. You're the coolest for this. No, you are you are the coolest cool girls for life We're out of here Here's a captain more self We're rolling and this and kupa took my sister now. We gotta expose him if you're a hufflepuff Do not piss me off. Just keep on scrolling. I ain't impressed by crown mold and show me that dick that you hold in

To toe toe. I'm a fucking walking mermaid, bitch. I dip my nuggets in the doodoo. Guess what? I drink mousse soup 100 li because it's a clean delicious story time. Uh, how you say I'm not a racist Start up. I like a member of the cuckoo girls Fuck a shout out mistress kawaii when I'm sniffing parts out of butts Cut to my brown ice cream some big words and I married my son's to in them tongues and shit because I'm a fucking blessing blood Cuts in our who not nothing to book a do but that's what we do. You do you do do not do you and yes, my eyes are tattooed Funny story. That's perry in the jail. Tick tock. What do you do? Do you ever worry that you're all worded? No one's telling you I'm reckless eyeballing hoes. Just as I was made. Oh

Selling the necklace made of moosters off the back of my truck. All right. I'm hopeless enough You'll never make pot or cum if you ain't licking the scrum honey. You ain't tricking no one Ever could ever Want to see a Spartan kicker taste a bit of the poutine I made You want to fuck with my my friend goddesses activate identify as a threat a nightmare And my pronoun is your grace. I was like made of freezing cement Even though my health ain't improvement of an hero and loose holes ain't hard court enough to do it Nature's brain multi-vitamin. Why the fuck would I not use it keep busting clips in my sips? I'm literally bonding fluid

I know you want me. He wants to lick get up on this ass Put it in your mouth and lick it like glass. I know you love me I know you don't want me. He wants to lick get up on this ass Put it in your mouth and lick it like glass Who the fuck you been letting sample your energetic template a spirit working star c-channel or hi brain I spoke it up before I take your bike. You better not touch any bitch. You motherfuckers You need to restock the hot cocoa when you're done with it Some caffeine take a hammock shit pop the vasectomy stitch now. I'm straight poly by with vocal fry the size g-tick

I keep smelling my vagina and hope that it'll smell better. It just doesn't show the haters how you glass and put your perfect smile It I'm right or die. Show me the body mommy will chop it up together dip that shit in acid Watch it decay in a roguepweather I didn't end up the effort this week that the work clever by my marista bitch cool girls keep secrets forever That's why he's Cherokee. I'm not native at all. So I have a funny question. You got any cum in those balls? How come you don't fuck your friends? Well listen to glory. Yeah, that's the bomb. Yonkin man's are dainy yet I'm gonna put on me a box I know you love me. I know you want me. He wants to lick get up on this ass

Put it in your mouth and lick it like glass. I know you love me. I know you want me He wants to lick get up on this ass Put it in your mouth and lick it like glass He's following my queen. Dirty bitch. Take your passenger. I feel like I'm going to die. Well, I get rid of hard bars. Fuck what you heard I'm about to have that orgasmic bird who rate brooch a man or throat, zilla, my go-kart In their first box my stoma. Don't bring no chamosa chomas though. I'm blowing Cincinnati parts at every goddamn place that I go I'm not a home all claim. You better follow that bro. I'm gonna make you want to shut the fuck's my pussy Two big day songs by Toto. We're out of here smoking and drinking and rockin and dittas and peeping on the ultra humongous penis

Quarantine and we're latchkey and we beef griefing and queen being and I'm seeing them genes seeming like they'd be low and loosely And I'm seeing them genes seeming like they'd be low and loosely and they'll see sandy seas cream because I hydrate like a piss dee All you what they're doing they're thinking stuff like that. They're stuttered. If you're a bully, thief, a criminal, a doctor, a cutter We cheer in headaches with mustard. Well, here girl, got you covered. This is the cool girl's club within the house of your mother I saw her momma's last night just to visit her. It sure jumped over the kitchen counter at me flying like Hussain Bolt in a fighting suit I don't know why the bitch has always been jealous of me. So I she run to the phone like the bitch make cunt always does And I see you better call ever law in Sequoia County this time, bitch Because you're gonna need help prising my fingers from around your fucking dick suck at that

So I end up resting in jail, but I'm out this morning, Cheryl And I could still see that's right. She didn't swell a shit pitch and I'm coming over here today And I'm gonna do the two step and the cowboy boogie till there's a mud hole in your fucking ass