Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 578 - Josh Wolf - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

NEW LIVE SHOW - Friday, November 20th @ 5PM Pacific! Go to https://ymhvirtual.com and get tickets now! SPONSORS: - Go to Squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain! - Go to Saatva.com/theshit to save $225 on your order - Go to Stamps.com, click on the Microphone at the TOP of the homepage and type in MOM. - Go to LiquidIV.com and enter code "MOM" for 25% off - Go to Whoop.com and enter code YOURMOM at checkout to save 15% on your order Tom Segura and Christina P start off this episode of Your Mom's House with Hendawg's most recent banger "Queens Above 18." They then discuss their new Joel Osteen Inspiration Cubes and the reviews the mommies have left for the item on Amazon. Jean and Jean watch an angry bald guy, Garth Brooks discussing copyright, a BBW cool guy, an anti-feminist anti-vaxxer, anti-masker, some "Horrible or Hilarious" clips and more! They respond to listener emails regarding Nancy Pelosi's 80-year-old sloppers, the "Reese's" pronunciation, and last week's amazing fart video. The Main Mommies also watch update videos from Tony Johns and The King, as well as Fart Simpson's newest prank call. Josh Wolf is a comedian, actor, and writer. He joins Tod and Crystal to discuss living in Nashville, the craziest videos on the internet, inappropriate behavior at comedy shows, Hot Ones, and more. He gets introduced to the Sissy of Freemont Street, Charo's fart, and the "Hole in Face" cool guy.

What's up, mommies? Get ready to pull them jeans up high and tight. We're back! YMH Live 3. It's all going down November 20th. 5 p.m. Pacific and worldwide. The return of my sister, OMG Maria. Oh my god, what? And the return of the greatest YMH guest of all time, Danny Brown.

Leader of the Cool Guy Club is on his way. Yes, me, Danny Brown. YMH Live. It's really happening. Plus original music by Marc Rebier. Oh, oh my, oh yes. I can't wait to see Danny Brown react to the heavy segment. What the fuck, man? Head on over to ymhvirtual.com and get tickets now.

Boor stroke gang. Su-woo! It's happening. I'm coming. Let's go! Yeah, there's things that like you go, okay, I feel bad. Yeah, this is now. This, you feel bad, you know. You all right? He's okay. He's fine.

Plains above 18. Plains above 18. Please, if you're below the age of 18, get up and start the day. Come on. Come on. Put the feet on the ground. Get you a nice hot breakfast. Very lovely. Think at cover and put a big shower. Think at cover and pull it off yourself.

Think at cover and put a big shower. Get up and start the day. Plains above 18. Plains above 18. Plains above 18. Please, if you're below the age of 18, don't do this challenge. I trust you guys won't. Become 18, you can. You can do anything. On the front.

Plain on the back. You know the king likes the no bra look and give me a dance. What we can do is have fun with this. Take an old white t-shirt. King on the front. King on the back. King loves you. King loves you. King loves you. King loves you. And do a video. Very lovely. Have fun with it.

Plains above 18. Plains above 18. Plains above 18. Please, if you're below the age of 18, enjoy. I love you all. Let's make some videos. I want to see them. I want to laugh. On the front. King on the back. King on the front. King on the back. Thank you.

Thank you. Just have fun with it. All right, man. Another banger. Queens above 18 by Hendo. He just keeps cranking up the hits, man. That was just incredible. It's also on iTunes and where music is available. Way to go Hendo with another incredible song.

I laughed so hard the entire time. All about the king. About the king. He's really taken over our YMH culture. And also this morning, you were having a hard time getting out of bed. I was. And I inspired you with playing his video on TikTok. He says, good morning, my Queens above 18.

Get up and start your day. Breakfast is ready. You're just beautiful. Let's have some fun. Show me your boobs. And I know it's the midterms. And don't worry. You're going to do really well on your midterms.

I mean, it's a pretty young girl that has midterms. But they're above 18, Christine. But yes, midterms in college, of course. This is very exciting, you know. I was feeling, I'm feeling down. We want to deal with things that come to an end. We lost our main client. A friend we could always count on is moving away.

Or a loved one went to be with the Lord. We've seen God's blessing in the past. We know we have his favor. But it seems like that favor has been taken away. Oh, wow. But God will never remove something unless he has something better coming. That's not true.

He didn't stop certain things. We would never get out of our comfort zone. We would stay with what's familiar. Yeah. So sometimes God will put an end to what doesn't make sense to us. We don't understand why the friend walked away. Why the business pushed us out. Why sales aren't what they used to be.

God is not doing that to make your life more difficult. He's getting you in position for increase. He had to stop what was working to force you to stretch so you could come in to greater provision, greater opportunity. Yeah, Jesus. Praise Allah. That's pretty cool there.

I mean, that's the new Joel Osteen Inspiration Cube. Nadav, you were saying that you find the Christian affirmations to be like really like get you going. Yeah. I didn't realize that you guys are this good at amping yourself up for the day. It's different than Jays. Jays don't really do it like that. Really?

Yeah. What's a Jay affirmation? They're just like, oh, did you remember to offer food to your guests when they come over? That's an affirmation. The elbow's been bothering you remember to get it checked out. It's more like you're still alive today. Congratulations. You're not dead kind of stuff.

Right. Don't forget to eat your nothing but skin and bones. Yeah. You know what I love about Joel Osteen, Tom? You know what he said there? No, no, I'm trying to. Take it easy. Fuck it.

Oh, that's a weird one. Sorry. Go ahead. He said that God removes stuff, the good stuff from your life to replace it with better stuff. Is that why he removed our freedom and gave us COVID in March? That's right. He sure did. What's he going to replace COVID with?

Hopefully a new pandemic, Lord. I hate when people say that. It's not always true. Your life can get really way worse. But also if you're making an inspiration cube, you kind of got to say things like that. Oh, right. You know? That's true.

You can't be like, God takes things away and sometimes it's just over. Is there another sentence coming? No. Yeah. I'm so inspired by this already. It's a pretty cool concept. Like, I think somebody said you probably could just have a website or an app that just plays this. No, but then you don't get a pushy button.

And I know you and I both are into pushy buttons. Buttons are fun to push. That's true. Let me see if I can get us a winner. Okay. Go ahead. Where's Joel telling you? This is totally for old people, by the way.

Yeah. I declare God's supernatural favor over your life. What you couldn't make happen on your own, God is going to make happen for you. Supernatural opportunity, feeling, restoration, breakthroughs are coming your way. All right. Wow. That's awesome.

00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,200 Thanks, Joel. That was super good. Babe, supernatural favor. And then it says it here, too, so you can see it. Touch my camera through the fence, you faggot. What the hell, man? Oh, sorry. That's the YMH cube.

It's coming pretty soon with all the best advice we have from all our best drops. Supernatural favor. That is quite a promise to be making, people. This week is going to be incredible, by the way. I should start by telling you that, of course, YMH Live 3 is Friday. It's going to be a live show with Danny Brown. Get the fuck out of here.

Original music by Marc Rabier that he made just for us, that he performed here. Then there's the return of my sister Maria, which is just outrageous. I cannot believe she's going to be back on the show. I heard the tech check was pretty insane. And then we made this one available through Thanksgiving weekend. So if you can't watch live, you can watch it on Thanksgiving the day after Saturday or Sunday. It's available until midnight on Sunday after Thanksgiving. So we extended that so you could get the family together.

Well, because you queens above 18 are busy this week, probably, with your midterms. And you've been making shirts, say, Tom on the front and Tom on the back. And you know how much I like seeing your boobs hang. So make videos. Make a video. Let's have some fun with it. And then I'll tell you how fun it was. So that's very exciting.

Get your tickets. Like I said, everybody goes right at the showtime. If you can, if you plan on watching, try to get them ahead of time. You can, of course, get them after if you want to watch the show after. But that's what I recommend if you're going to watch live. And there is a insane heavy segment in this one. As if it can't get any insane. I thought it couldn't.

And then it does. I can't wait to see it. The whole staff took it as a personal challenge. Oh, I love that. Yeah, these live shows just get better and better and better. And I'm really excited for this third installment. We have great sketches lined up and yes, original and I'm just excited to have Danny back on the couch.

It's so it's so wild. So great. He's flying out just to do just to do it. Another thing to mention. I saw I started doing Tom Talks. If you might have seen it on our YouTube channel and or gotten it on the download feed. And what it is is me talking to either sports figures, business people, people and people who we don't feel like this show, like if, you know, like we had Hall of Famer Tony Gonzalez

on the first one. And I didn't want to be like, Hey, watch this lady. A shove a diet cocaine up her ass. So I just wanted to have a conversation and it was a lot of fun right now. They're not every week right now. We're going, I think every two weeks, but there is going to be one next week. If you're listening or watching now that we're very excited about. And yeah, that's just that's just what we're doing.

Great. Also, I would like to plug this week's episode of where my mom's at. I normally don't do this, but this episode is really special and really insane. I have the Leanne Kreischer wife of the party on and she gives you step by step beach techniques. Yeah. Her proven, which you guys have talked about on two bears. We have, we have.

And she's a queen above 18 who can really give a beach. Yeah. And she can make Bert Begac in like five minutes or less. And she gives me step by step detailed instructions. So if you've always wanted to know how to blow Bert. It's, I know, I can't wait because great. You told me that I have to watch it. So I can't wait to see it.

Well, and there's a shocking revelation that we discovered. Listen, I think interviewing the wives has been the best part of where my mom's at. We had Drew Pinsky's wife on and she revealed that she and Drew, Drew gets three to five beaches a week. Yeah. She's a suck hound. She's a suck hound. And then Leanne.

Yeah. You're going to, it's very interesting, the dynamic that goes on between them. And I think it's going to give you guys a lot more insight into Bert. We have more to tell you about that in a moment because we actually hung out with them together. Last night. Last night, yeah. For dinner. Let's open our show.

We got so much to get into. All right. Here we go. You know what? You need, you need to be removed from the gene pool because you're too fucking stupid to be alive. Yeah. Yeah, you do.

Yeah. Uh, you have no hair, sweetie. Oh, baby. Touch me. Fucking touch me. No. Fucking touch me. Fuck you.

Touch me. Touch me. Fucking touch me. Touch me. Come on. Come on, hard ass. This shit is big time. Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mama in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitz and Christina Pajitz. Welcome to your mom's house. And there we go.

Just let me eat you. Thank you, Joel Osteen. I think he could use our Joel Osteen cube. This guy is so negative. This is just the short clip. The full clip of this thing is wild. This guy confronts, you never see the person holding the camera, but it's clearly a woman.

He wants to throw it and he keeps being like, touch me. I'll knock your fucking head off. Like, I bet you would. That's crazy. He's like a 45-year-old man. The funny thing is though, he goes, you should be removed from the gene pool. She's like, you're bald, which is obviously genetic.

And he's like, he fucking loses his mind. This guy, man. That's, yeah, he needs some Joel in his life. Yeah, he needs some positivity. Some supernatural favor. Some good, healthy Christianity. Fucking touch me. Yeah.

That's cool. And also too, women don't generally fight physically. It's usually not our first inclination when we see a dude like that to be like, yeah, I'll fucking fight you, bro. Yeah, it's weird. It's not really going down. It's weird.

And it's weird to be a guy and be like, I'll see just a woman you disagree with and be like, how about I'll crack your fucking head open? Like, that's a lot. What a lovely clip to open on. Thank you for sharing this nice little moment. It's so weird. I wouldn't even really dig this on TikTok.

When I find these, I just put them aside for you. It doesn't amuse me in the least. This is actually a clip from a three to five minute video. And I watched the whole thing. It's super aggressive. Yeah. And how did you feel? I was waiting the whole time like,

is he going to actually hit this person? Just because. And then the person video, and you just did what she did right there, she kept going, I'm like, oh, sweetie, very condescending. Yes. And you could see, I mean, you see how close he gets. And he kept saying, touch me.

And I was like, I didn't know if this person was going to go like that. And then he just fucking removes her face. But. I don't know why bitches don't even mess with dudes like this. That's probably a good idea. This guy actually for as unhinged as he is, amazingly was able to restrain himself.

I think maybe if the camera wasn't there, he'd be like, oh, I'm going to punch this. Yeah. Because like, I think in my, all these years of being on earth, like now I see somebody who's crazy and I just turn the other way. That's what everybody should do. Like, I don't, I try not to intact. I'm the same.

I see, I'm like, no, no. I'm out. So by the way, I guess a lot of the listeners were also intrigued by the inspiration cube. And they went to Amazon. Wonderful. And you can no longer leave reviews for it on Amazon. If you go into the Joel Osteen inspiration cube on Amazon,

it says Amazon has noticed unusual reviewing activity on this product and due to this activity, we have limited this product to verified purchase reviews. Because people are saying things like sometimes it takes me about 10 to 12 Benadryl before I have some of my partner or myself, but I have to take a word for it because Joel Osteen. Or, well, this cube, will this cube be coming up in May? Don't want to be stingy, but I'm buying it from my dad, Mark.

And the answer, I'm not sure once I sell out, I doubt any more will be coming in. Have a blessed day. So genuine answer to, like, will this be coming up in May? You betcha. I love this cube. My uncle Fedsmoker got me this from Falcon Car Wash. I have to say the positive affirmations are the only thing

keeping from ending it all. Some of my favorite sayings are keep the mind type. Just keep father or brother. Don't be stingy. Cool stuff, slick stuff, neat stuff. 87 people found this helpful. Question, does this cube follow proto? It keeps telling me to feather it,

threatening to fire me and call me R-word. The answer, even the seller agrees this cube will have you keep it high and tight, allow you to be less stingy to your Markly neighbor. See more answers? Yeah. This chome will set your brain on fire and foe strokes guaranteed. Daddy Joel sounds like a real cool guy.

108 people found this helpful. Does anyone know the dimensions? I hope normal size and not that big. And the answer is, you know, 4.5 inches tall, although I haven't had mine very long. Just listen to a few. So you get a real answer, not too big. All right.

So that was very fun. That gives me so much joy. I know. It was kind of, this childishness really makes me happy. You know, Johnny Pemberton hit me up this week. And he goes, I guess he just found out. He goes, have you been to Garth's Instagram? And I go, yeah.

And he was like, did you do that? And I was like, well, maybe. There we go. There's 2,000 comments there. Let me guess, none of them have anything to do with something that he's talking about with whatever. I can't read it from here. I think it's at this point, it's our.

When you're poor, people drink tap water. It's our artwork. That's googling. Yeah. This is like performance art, Tom. Yeah, it is. This is a happening. There should be a documentary just on his Instagram.

There should be a documentary on the monies and their ability to enhance any digital platform. Yeah. I mean, the, oh God. This is so funny. We have a new Garth clip too. Oh, shit. Let's see it.

I don't know where it came from, but it is so strange. They showed me this and I was like, the fuck is he talking about? Which is my favorite type of Garth clip. So here's Garth on copyright. Okay. Is he fucking cry? You got to try to understand that copyright is the coming

together of creative, soul, all the things inside. So now let's take copyright because it's not a leap as a child. That child is born. Who's going to protect that child? Oh boy. There's copyright to protect it. So if there's one thing that I would beg and plead our government to do, copyright is a beautiful thing.

Protect the children. To protect that copyright. A copyright is everything. Protection of that copyright is everything. Let's work together to preserve the arts because a nation is not a nation without its culture. And its culture is a result of its copyright. Oh my god.

I mean, the fact that he can talk about copyright in that hodunk, completely artificial, manufactured, relating it to protecting a child. Yeah, don't break my heart, Mike. What is this music? I don't even know. What is he saying? Oh god, for him.

It's a good song. It's a good song. And guess what? It's got a great copyright. Yeah. You're not allowed to steal that song. Do you think there's a topic that he ever gets lighthearted on? I don't know.

He was about to weep there about copyright. 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:37,440 That's what I'm saying. They can ask him about like, Garth, what'd you have for lunch today? Well, Miss Yearwood made me a macaroni and cheese that didn't have any copyright. My mama used to make me macaroni and cheese.

I mean, I just, Jesus. The fact that you can talk about business, this is a business conversation. Hey, man. Yeah. Well, copyright's really important because it protects the artist. Yeah. And tell you make money.

Yeah. What he's saying is I love being rich as fuck. Yeah. And if you were to ruin my copyright, I'd make less money and that would piss me off. That's a truthful answer. There you go. Not copyright as a baby.

You must protect the baby. Yeah, but he's talking to all those fucking ass-thumbers that go to his show that are like, Garth, they even know that copyright is special. Like he's making them think that it's, like he's talking about family. Look at that psychotic stare. You know what though?

He looks good in this clip. I think he's thinned out a bit. Is this an old clip? Copyright. It's within the last six months. Really? Oh, he looks good. He's been, he did well in quarantine then.

Yeah. He sure is. Yeah. Miss Yearwood. Miss Yearwood. Okay. Would you like to do some follow-up emails from our last? Yeah.

Yeah. Very important topic. Sure. Go ahead. Hi, mommies. It's Christina, the airline pilot, and I'm not surprised to hear that Tom was farting it up after flying. After all of my trips, the moment I get to my car,

I blow that shit up. Then once I get home, I unleash even more farts on my innocent fiance. I have even had a fellow airline pilot send me a video of himself getting to his car after a trip and letting them rip. So yes, I have to say the altitude does have an effect on farts. The only advice I can give is that if at all possible, let out some silencers on board.

Otherwise, those farts will build up, always keeping them high and tight. Christina, thank you. Wow, that's really neat to hear that from a pilot too, right? The expert. The expert. And a lady pilot, my goodness. Very rare.

She really knows. She knows her farts. So this is the email. It says, Jeans, I wanted to point out the drunk Scotsman was being racist. Real racist. I didn't know this. I didn't know this.

He was calling the person in the window a Fenian bastard, meaning Irish. The racism towards the Irish and Scotland goes back to the great famine and them being told to go back home. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that guy was way cooler than maybe you even imagined. Mind your fucking tricks. Spray water, you fucking assholes. Mind your fucking bastard.

I'll fucking do you. Mind your fucking tricks. Come out. Come out, you chicken ass, chicken shit bastard. Oh, my God. Mind your fucking tricks. Come on. I'm putting this on.

Face you. Come on, you fucking assholes. Come on, you fucking assholes. You're Finian assholes. You're a fucking assholes. Come on. Scotland looks fun. It does, yeah.

It is fun. I love it. I visited there in college. I love it. I want to go. It's delightful. The people are great. The food is great.

Yeah. Beautiful accents. They can handle their booze. Yeah, they party. They party hard. But it's nice to know that there's a cool guy who's got another layer to him, you know? He's even cooler.

I like racism towards whites is always a fun one. It's fun. It's special. It's unique. Yeah, go ahead. I also have a follow-up on our discussion of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Hi, Jeans.

Hi, Hitler. I recently heard the debate on how you pronounce Reese's. As someone who grew up right outside Hershey, Pennsylvania and has spent days in Hershey Park growing up, I feel like it's my life's duty to step in. You 100% pronounce it as Reese's. P.S. Christine Committed Stolen Valor. Reese's.

And this is somebody from the area. This is somebody who grew up going to Hershey Park. Yeah, and I want to point out that I was saying Reese's, you know? Yeah, I know, but you're Reese's tarted. That makes a lot of sense. I'm not whatever you just said, as I don't believe that's a thing. Well, I still stand by my pronunciation.

It's Reese's cups, but it's Reese's, Reese's pieces. Reese's. Got to tell you, this is a pretty groundbreaking thing here. I want to say I love the podcast. Listen to it every week at work. The audio in the video with the guy farting that was played around 47 minutes in the podcast was actually made using the audio from a guy on TikTok called Gas Master.

So, Christina was indeed correct with her suspicion considering the legitness of the video. Thank you. By the way, this dude is amazing and a fan of yours, I believe. I've seen him tagging you guys and some of his TikToks, so definitely check him out. Next time, remember to do your job or you're done, buddy. Don't be stingy.

So, I guess this is the original fart video. Oh, shit. So, they took the audio. That's the one where the guy was laying on the chair, right? And you see just the legs. There was a woman we thought laying down. We thought it was a woman. Anyone, somebody told me what's that one called?

It's called that. The longest fart in history. It's in the same folder. It's in the same folder. So, this is the video. That's a highly debatable. It's the, Charo had the longest fart in history. So, this person took the audio.

Yeah. And by the way, I got a message. A lady said that she's a massage therapist. And she goes, I've been a massage therapist for 12 years and I can tell you without a doubt that those legs and feet that you see there are man's. And her theory was that it's a man here and that's the mother that we're looking at as a kid, right?

But this person ripped that audio. Oh, got you. So, it's stolen valor. It's stolen fart value. Definitely. Definitely. We can't condone that on this show. Speaking of, I wonder how King Ass Ripper is.

Can we get an update from Zolo if you could do some research? Do some digging? Sure, yeah. We'll dig around. It's been a while. I also want to point out that it is true. There is a bias in the lame stream media that continuously targets the right

and doesn't do enough of honest assessment, critique of what's going on on the left. And one of our listeners found that to be true too and I'd like to acknowledge them. And yeah, here's what it says. It says, hey, mommy's with all the election talk in this week's episode and comments on big old lady tits from the big ass pervert.

I can't help but notice that no one has acknowledged Nancy Pelosi's massive 80-year-old sloppers. Madam Speaker has some real mushy mommy milkers. She's always in these sassy type blue suits that hug those purples closely. I'm curious to hear your thoughts to quell my concern in this contentious political climate. You bet I'm coming up in May, Evan from Illinois.

I mean, she's 80 years old. She looks great. I mean, she does have big tits. And I feel like the news never talks about it. Never talks about it. I agree. And it's what we do here at your mom's house is talk about the hard-hitting issues

that nobody's willing to discuss. Even these media outlets here are covering up her tits. Yeah, it's a conspiracy. Okay, what about there? Okay, let's see. See, she knows how to dress. But see, I wouldn't do such... That's a form-fitting dress.

It is, but she's doing a higher neck there, which actually, like today I'm doing it, it makes her tits look bigger. It's not a good tactic. Those are big. And I will say they look amazing because... She's 80? I know.

She looks great. But those tits don't look 80. No, they don't. That's a good shot right there. No, those are good milkers, yeah. She's got a good bra, too. That's what I'm about to say. I think her bra is a very strong choice,

and that's why they look high and tight and not big and mushy like mine. Right, she doesn't have like a couple of state droopers. No, even state droopers, even... Oh, there they are. They look a little droopy here. A little bit, yeah. Now, in the Lady Blazer, they're covered up.

So she knows how to cover and camouflage her pants. Right there. That's a big tit shot right there. Whoa, big tit energy. This woman, is she really 80 years old? She looks great. I mean, 80 look... You usually see 80.

80 looks like shit, usually. Yeah. Like 80, you're like, hey, over here. You know, someone's like... Like, she really holds it together. I wonder if her parents lived long. Like, she just has like those great, like those strong, big-titted genetics, you know?

Big-titted jeans, yeah. Well, Pelosi is what I tell you. Pelosi. Sounds like it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she's got... Yeah, she a guinea.

Can you look it up? She's got them Italian-titted jeans. Fucking greasy wop. Big-titted wop. From the top, make it drop your big-ass milkers. Yeah, Italian-American family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was the only girl, the youngest of seven children.

Of course, they never stopped fucking goddamn Catholics. All right. Well, those are big milkers. Thank you so much for pointing that out. Thank you so much for pointing that out. And thank you, and we're calling you out. NBC, CNN, New York Times. Where's the article on Pelosi's big tits?

Hold on, I have another one. Okay, go right ahead. Apropos our discussion about dick brooms. I was listening to episode 577 when talk and crusty were discussing the phrase dick broom. I, much like the FGT RTDs in the booth, never heard the expression before. Once the conversation got going, I quickly realized

they were talking about dusters. I've been around hockey most of my life, and the common nickname for a mustache has always been duster, short for cock duster. Maybe this is the Canadian version of dick broom, but I think it's an easy switch you should make if you want to follow Proto. Anywho, if Tom needs his meth dick dusted,

you bet I'm coming up in May. Piss on me, beat me, respectfully, Zach. Wow, that's cool. You didn't follow Proto, buddy, you're done. A cock duster. I like that. I like that, Canadians. Canadian.

So, also want to point this out, this is pretty exciting. I know you don't follow football, but yesterday there was a really, really incredible play. In football, if you're down to the last few seconds of a game and you need to score a touchdown, it's referred to as a Hail Mary, right? Hail Mary meaning like it's just throw it up, just see what happens.

Yeah, it's like, it's a prayer, that's what it is. It's a prayer. Because you're like, if this doesn't work, so that's why they call it a Hail Mary. And Josh is a Die Hard Buffalo Bills fan, and his team was up with a few seconds left, and Arizona was playing from behind, and they threw up a Hail Mary, and they won.

And it was incredible. These are the kind of plays that happen once a year, in the whole league, maybe twice. So they're super exciting and people go nuts, because they're just incredible to see. And the player who caught the ball, it was just amazing athleticism and unbelievable. His name was Deandre Hopkins.

Well, last week when I did Roach Motel, Josh said this. If you had to leave here right now and go eat some players' asshole in the next room. I've got a list. You're probably going receiver, though. I've got a list. Yeah, they topped my list. Deandre Hopkins would be the asshole I eat the most.

Can we see Deandre Hopkins, folks? That's a nice ass. That's the guy. So because he is so... You got to get him off field clothes, because this is a guy that buys purses for his dog and shit. He dresses like Paris Hilton when he's out in the streets. Let's see him on street clothes.

Yeah, I'd like to see him. I know he's got dreads and shit, but I'm telling you, that shit is like... Oh, he's so cute. He also had a pretty hearty dick pic get leaked. And I tried to take the bullet for him and be like, no, that's my dick. And then he blocked me on Twitter.

His dick pic got leaked. How to get leaked? I don't know, but I tried to help out. Is his face in the shot? No, it's just his dick. And I was like, no, that's my dick, dude. And then he blocked me for that. Yeah.

Well, that Deandre... So the week that this clip... He's so handsome. He's very handsome, man. The week that this clip comes out, Deandre sticks a dagger in Josh's heart. Unreal. And Josh had just offered to eat his ass.

The reason that conversation came up, by the way, Josh brought this up to me years ago, and I laughed so hard, where he said, do you think certain positions in football have dirtier buttholes than other positions? And we had this really long... We still talk about it all the time. My theory was offensive linemen have the dirtiest assholes,

and his was like, I think defensive linemen have the dirt. And so we were talking about who has the most neglected asshole, which then led to, well, who has the most pristine asshole? And he said, receivers of which Mr. Hopkins is one. Deandre is, yeah. Yes. And then, yeah, led to all this conversation.

Anyways, Deandre just crushed him yesterday. Oh, well, I will say that I give cockroach props for being there before the Hail Mary. Do you know what I'm saying? He got in on the bottom floor. He believed in Deandre before this whole thing happened. He did, yeah. Deandre should at least consider getting

his asshole eaten by Josh, just on that alone. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if he should, yeah. You don't think that he would enjoy that? I think Josh would love to give it. We can... I think that Deandre wouldn't like any of these ideas.

Josh, by the way, if you want to see that or any of his upcoming podcasts, they come out Tuesdays at 6 a.m., Roche Mattel, which is soon to be renamed, I can say that, right? To the Josh Potter show very soon. Rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes. It's very funny. He's very, very funny.

So, yeah. I like how Deandre dresses. That's really cool. He dresses very cool. Yeah. Wow. Big, big, big drip, man. Big drip.

This episode of Your Mom's House is brought to you by ExpressVPN. Using the internet without ExpressVPN is like going to the bathroom and having violent diarrhea and not even closing the door. Now, everybody is peeking in and going, what did you eat?

So, next week? Yeah. Next week, when we record, we'll be, let's see, the 23rd? Yeah. I'll be fasting that day because the next day I have a colonoscopy. I actually signed up and I'm doing it.

Well, the listeners, if you've been listening to us for years, you know that Tom has had... You've had this on the books and then we've had to push it, cancel it, move it for years. And I'm so proud of you that we're finally doing this. We need to get to the bottom of these

runny dumps and stinky farts. And I'm just so excited for you. I told the GI, the doctor, I told him, I will be so disappointed if you're like, everything's fine. I know. He's like, just more fiber. It's totally normal.

He'd met a muesli. He'd be like, what? I want you to tell me that something, that there's something to do. But tell everybody what they're going in. They're going both holes. Yeah. Now, first I get an ultrasound.

They're going to do an ultrasound. In your body hole? No. No. So they can see the gallbladder that goes. Sometimes people have issues from that. Then they're going to put a scope up my ass and down my throat.

At the same time, finger cuffs? Mm-hmm. And then he jerks you off while he's doing that. That's pretty cool. So wait. No. So that'll be... He's like, we will find whatever.

We're going to find it. We're going to find gum. But I have to fast the 23rd and just do liquid. And then beginning at 4 p.m. on the 23rd, which is a Monday, I drink my first laxative shake. And then I drink another one at 7 p.m. OK. Yeah.

Now, may I tell you something? Because I've heard that the prep for the colonoscopy is so fucking horrendous. That's what this is. And you know what's crazy? You just said that you start the first at 4 p.m. So that's your first laxative. And I've had nothing to eat all day.

00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,920 So you're taking a laxative on an empty stomach. Explosion. Now, I'm curious as to why they make you shit all night. You're going to be up all... Because they want you completely empty. Before the morning procedure. Well, they want you to go in with nothing in your digestive.

I know, but why do you have to stay up at night to do all this? Can't you just shit during the day and then sleep? That's what I don't understand, because you're going to be up all night. No? No, because I mean, I've done these before. And it's because if you do it in the beginning of the day, that's just more time where you have to like fast longer.

Like they're just trying to make it so that the window is as short as possible. Gotcha. Will you be live tweeting from the toilet? I might be doing IG live, you know? That's a great idea. Bring you guys into the toilet and listen and hear me done. That would be so great.

I'm not opposed to that. I'm going to sleep in the guest room that night because I think you need your space. I think it was going to be a lot of shit coming out of me. I think it would be a lot of trips to the toilet. The doctor told me to bring a laptop into the toilet and just watch a show because she's like, you're just going to shit so much.

Yeah. Yeah, it's because I mean, you don't want to go to the toilet every five minutes, every 10 minutes. Now, two days before 22nd, I feel like I should have a big meal. Do you think that's a good idea? No, I don't mean like gorge myself.

I just mean eat something because I'm not allowed to eat anything on the 23rd at all or the 24th. I can't even have water after midnight. Maybe save it for after the colonoscopy. I don't think you want to have like a treat yourself meal right before. Just eat normal? Well, because it's like however big it is,

it's like the time on the toilet is just going to be extra rough. Yeah, yeah. You kind of want to eat normal, right? He's into it, he's out. I want to plan my post-colonoscopy meal. Yeah, dude. Whatever you want. Now, that's the thing, Native.

Will he be able to like... He said right away. But I'm saying like, will he feel like filling himself up with food or will you feel nauseous? Will you feel like you don't know... Oh yeah, like I mean, like because you're going to be be put down, right?

Yeah. Yeah, so I mean like you'll feel like a little weirdness afterwards. But hungry as fuck, I'm sure. Yeah, I mean, it'll take like an hour or two probably to kick in just because you feel all weird and groggy. But like, yeah, do treat yourself that day. I want to have the ice cream after my colonoscopy. Aw, that was your first treat?

Well, yeah. We should plan like either all... What if I come out and he goes, hey man, I never did this before, but while you were down, I butt-fucked you. I'm like, what? He's like, I just wanted to. Looks good.

So empty. Wait, you're not going to have a morsel of brown in your intestines. Like not even... I mean, that's what they said. A hint of brown. I mean, think about it. That's wild.

The day before, I have no solids, right? So there's a fast. And then you take two laxatives. That's wild, dude. So it just cleans you out, man. It's so wild. So I was talking to someone when... Could be a good time to try the scrum

right after that procedure. Yeah. You know what I'm going to do when you're under? I'm going to sneak in and lick it as you're sleeping, as you're drinking. You fucking liar. But so I was talking to a girl who she goes, dude, I've had like intestinal problems for years.

Like years. I thought I had IBS. Turns out I had a parasite in my intestine. And I didn't know about it. I got food poisoning years ago from this place, from broccoli or something. And I had a fucking shit of parasite. And she decided to take drugs to kill the parasite.

She's like, I just felt tired and anxious and da-da-da. And I thought I had IBS. You have a parasite in there. You've had food poisoning a few times. Could, I could, yeah. That could. And you eat around the world. Like comics we eat everywhere.

We should at least have hepatitis B, right? It's not the food porn. I fucking hope so. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. I'm excited for this. What if I come out and he's like, you know what it is, man?

And I go, what? He goes, it's syphilis. I'm like, what? He's like, yeah. It's so many years. He's like, you have so many STDs. And I'm like, I really? God.

He's like, yeah, they're all old. They've been there. It's making you shit. I'm like, oh, okay. I didn't think about that. Yeah. We had the, we had Barf Kirchner and his wife, Leanne, over. Barf Kirchner.

And they are so fun. God, he can drink. He can drink. He came in. He made me drink. I didn't really, because you're around him. You're like, I should be like this guy. It's like, and I just started drinking.

I never drank that much. This morning I couldn't wait. I couldn't get out of bed. I know. My queen above 18. This queen was just like, did you make my coffee? Because I was struggling, man. Well, he came over and within seconds, he's like, yeah, yeah.

Give me something to drink. Push, push, give me one, give me one, give me one. And then I just, I love, I think that we've been friends with them for so long that I feel so comfortable. We both feel so comfortable, all of us, that I, I let the biggest fart out after dinner and it was like, it was just, it was lovely that we could feel that close to them. There were a lot of fun to be around.

Yeah. I'm so thankful to our friends. I really enjoyed it. He made me laugh so hard because, so we're all sitting around afterwards on the couch and said something about her birthday and he's like, he's like, Leanne's 50 now. And then I go, I jokingly was like, you know, I can't even relate to you guys because I'm so much younger than you guys.

It was like Leanne's 50, Bert's 48, you're 44. I go, I'm 41. Like you guys are way older than me. I don't even know what, like when I'll be 50. And Leanne goes, well, in nine years. And then I go, yeah. And she goes, and I'll be about 60. When you're 50.

And then Bert goes, that's so gross, so gross. He's like, gross, you're gross. Just for aging. Yeah. But you know what I think they're going to stay together forever. Yes. And I think it's because in a way they have a similar dynamic to us, but a different, an opposite one.

So let me explain. You and I try to be really kind and sweet to each other, I think. And honest at the same time. They're honest, but like brutally honest. They're so harsh to each other. It's, it's a different, it's harsh as fuck, but it's still love. It's still like. It's love, but it's just the wavelength is different, you know?

Yeah. Like, like she'll be like, you're just fat. And it's, yeah. And I'm like, oh my God, that would hurt so bad. Yeah. He's like, you look old, okay? Yeah, yeah. They just say things like so much harsher.

Or just when Bert's telling a story, she'll correct him factually. Oh my God, he gets so worked up. He's like, can you just let me tell a fucking story? And she's like, well, if it was true, you're making stuff up. He's like, shut up, God. Yeah. And Bert eats faster than you, which is crazy. It's crazy.

It makes me feel like I'm eating slow. Yeah. Slowly. I mean, man, I took one bite and he cleared his bowl, his dog bowl. Yeah. It's always been like that because everybody in my whole life was like, Tommy, you eat so fast, you got to slow down. And like one of the first times we had dinner together, I was on my second bite and he was

like, he was like done. I was like, holy shit, man. He was like, yeah, he's fast. And then he was like, burping every two seconds. He's like, I always burp. I was like, I think I know why. He just ate a steak in 15 seconds. Does he enjoy it?

Why does he do that? What's the deal? Well, it's just, you know, he has that like anxiousness of like consuming. When we do podcasts, he has like six drinks. Yeah. He has Kool-Aid, water, iced coffee, Diet Coke and Red Bull. All and he's like sipping all of them. Yeah.

Leanne said, well, he drank a lot of wine last night. Let's just say, I think I brought out like six bottles and I think Bert drank five. And Tom and I drank like one between the man and drink like nothing. I think he only drank, to be honest, like four bottles of wine. Last night? Yeah. Yeah. Not five.

Yeah. All right. Well, whatever. Because I like, I like. And of course, was also fine. Fine. That's the thing he doesn't change. It was great.

Thanks guys. I, and by the way, I brought up for those of you that saw the two bears live, he was shithouse. Okay. And I go, dude, I've seen you drink like my whole, whatever, the whole time I've known you and you'll drink like a handle of vodka and you'll be like, you ready to go? And I go, and then on the two bears live, you were absolutely sloshed. Like, what happened?

And he goes, because there was pressure. I felt pressure to drink. Right. And so I was, I don't like feeling like it has to be in a condensed period of time. Because that show was only like two and a half hours or so. Oh, so he felt like he had a pound. So he was like pounding, pounding. He goes, and it was like, it was accelerated and it was a mixture of vodka and wine.

Dude, there's one point in that. Do we have that clip? You have the Andre Ryzen clip or no? Vodka and wine. He was like, we're talking to Sean Evans. And he goes, remember Andre Ryzen, I was like, I mean, he slurred a whole sentence. I was like, I've never heard you do that. No, because Burke is normal when he's drunk.

You do not even notice. There's no difference. It's so great. I will say to his credit, by the way, because I've known him. We've known him, what, 15, 17 years now. And the Christchers, we used to live on the same street. They lived way up in the better part of town. And I'd go, we go to their house, remember what they used to live in like an apartment,

essentially, back when they were all broke-ass comics. And I remember that's when he started doing Rogaine. He started taking his Rogaine and he would rub it on and go, take a Rogaine. And we would make fun of him so much. Yeah, but then it worked. He's got hair now, bitch. Yeah, it worked and I will give him full credit because he still has hair. So that should work, tell me.

Not in the back. Not in the back. Doesn't matter. But the front stayed. Here, check this out. We all have to deal with things that come to an end. We lost our main client. A friend we could always count on is moving away.

Or a loved one went to be with the Lord. By the way, that wasn't even planned. That was just magic. That was divine intervention. So if you're just less listening, a man is walking down the street and a crane just falls and crushes. Oh my God. Like it lands on a car and hits him in the head and he, but he's fine.

That guy's fine. No, he's totally fine. He is. He's okay. You don't think he's okay? I don't think he's okay. I mean, he's not dead. How do you know?

They got him up. You think he went to work the next day? I think he's totally fine. I think he went to work from here. Actually, I think that hit him in the shoulder. He got real lucky. Like the contact was very powerful, but his head is a little shook up, but the shoulders were got hit.

I mean, imagine the surprise of that. Yeah, because you don't know what happened. You're just walking down the street and something clobbers you like that? I know. I know. That's bad luck. Thank God there's a camera. Yeah.

Can I tell you what happened to me while you were gone? You went to Alabama. Yeah. And your shows were fun, you said? Well, well, Tom, did you look at real estate for us? I'll tell you this. People shit on Alabama a lot, not just nationally, internationally. You say Alabama, people have all these negative kind of, you know,

things that you could argue that in a way that they've earned. But Huntsville, if you don't know, which most people don't, is surprisingly, like just nice people are super nice. They're smart. They're like the crowds are good. And if you're like, come on, I'm serious. Like Huntsville has rocket scientists and engineers all over the place. Because of space stuff.

Yeah, yeah. They have like, they have multiple companies that work in like spacecraft and engineering and all this like, you know, defense stuff. And that's crazy. And it's, you know, that permeates the culture. So you're there and you're, it's impressive. Like Huntsville is actually a very cool city. I think you're mispronouncing it.

Isn't it Huntsville? No, no. When we used to read our dates, wasn't it Huntsville? Maybe back then. But I'll tell you, I had a really good time. I'll definitely do shows in Huntsville again. Oh, you'll be coming back in May, huh? I'll come up and see you in May.

You'd better believe it. And I know you're a good lover, Huntsville. No, but thank you to everybody that came out. We did six shows, socially distanced. They moved the front row back six feet. They reduced the capacity. People had masks on. And you got tested the minute you came home on the driveway.

I got tested before and after. Yeah. So, and Jeff Tate was with me and he was outrageously funny. It was really, it was, God, it feels so good to do stand-up. It's so fun. I'm gonna, you bet. I'm coming up in May. May is gonna be a good one.

It's those vaccines. What was it? What is it gonna say now? Oh, two things. First of all, I've decided to learn my geography. Yeah, because you don't know where things are. There's LA and then not LA. And I've decided that that might be a narrow way of thinking.

That's a really progressive thought to, you know, come to. Thanks. Well, especially because now we're looking to move elsewhere. And I wanted to learn what America was about. Jesus. So I bought a map of America, like a puzzle, and I do it with our four-year-old. And how did you, like, are you surprised?

Like, oh, I didn't know that's what that was the whole time. I'm r-worded to the max. I knew the big ones. Like, I knew the coasts. I know Florida because I've been there a bunch. And here's the saddest part is that I'm a touring comedian. So I knew the states that I've toured. I don't, I didn't know where the Dakotas were.

Blank is a fart, not sure. Even Wisconsin, I'd been there. And I was like, that's not up there. There's no way that's far up there. I'm not, like, there are people better than me at it. I'm pretty good. But I lived in different states, you know? Yeah.

So I lived in Ohio, Minnesota, Wisconsin. I know where Ohio is. I lived in North Carolina. And I would drive back to Florida. So I got, like, that area. Then I lived for a moment in D.C. and, you know, I lived for a beat in Boston. That's up here.

That's like, that's, that's the, yeah. There's two Washington's. Did you know that? I did know that, yeah. I'm just kidding. I knew that. I'll tell you, like, that whole Rhode Island, Maine, Vermont stuff, that's always perplexing.

The other one that I'll forget, because, and it's, I think it's like, if when you live somewhere, obviously you have approximately, like, I'll death, if you gave me a blank map and you go, which one's Kansas, which one's Missouri, I'd be like, ah, fuck. That's, I get tripped up too. I'll take a second on that.

That, because that's all in the same region. Region, yeah, yeah. Like, I know the West Coast, Utah, and. By the way, speaking of the Dakotas, there are reports, and this is pretty neat. Pretty cool stuff. That they predict the infection rate of COVID in South Dakota will be 100%.

Oh, congratulations. Yeah. They believe that the state will get infected. Now, this is, I'm just reporting what the reports have been, so it might change by the time you see this, but there were reports about that over the weekend, which I thought was pretty fascinating. To put that in context for you.

That's crazy. South Dakota has just under 900,000 people, and they've had so far about 600 deaths. Oh my goodness. And South Korea has 51 million people, and they've had 450 deaths. So that's pretty neat, yeah. Now, the reason for this, by the way,

it's not just like, well, you know what's going on. The theory is that, yeah, although it's not a very populated state, South Dakota gets very cold, and as we've shifted the weather getting colder, the idea is that people are now congregating indoors all the time. Yeah, makes sense. In a cold weather state, more,

and it's spreading, and it's a smaller population spreading around. 900,000 people is like the San Fernando Valley. It's nothing. Oh, there's more than that for sure here. Yeah, that's wild. So that poor population, I mean, it's unbelievable how this whole thing is happening,

but I don't mean to laugh at people dying, I just laughed at 900,000 people. That's what I was like, that's nothing. I know. Nobody. It is wild. But I had a really neat thing happen this weekend while you were gone.

I was watching my programs on Netflix. I'm really into- Programs, that's how a very old person says shows. What program are you watching? Well, here's what I like to do. I take my two milligrams, I take my reefer, I smoke my grass, I eat my grass, I take the pot, and then I zone out, I watch Netflix.

I'm into the Queen's Gambit right now. I think you might really dig it. It's about chess, but it's not. Anyway, the point is, I'm petting the dog, I'm having a great night with Bitsy, I'm zoning out, I'm in there, I get up to take a piss. Yeah, there's the show. I walk to the turlet, and I step in the squishiest, warmest,

illest, stinkiest fucking pile of dog diarrhea. And by the way, we have wood floors. This motherfucker shit on the carpet, that's just covering the wood. Do you know what I mean? Like, she had all this wood, and she chose our nice fucking carpet. That's what she shit last time, too, when I stepped in it. So it's nine o'clock.

What's she doing? She's shitting there. I don't know, and it's diarrhea, so I scream, and of course, I flick my foot up, because I'm barefoot, stepping and shit, and now I've flung diarrhea on our floor. So I'm like freaking out, what the fuck? And then I have first thing I do, I go to the shower,

I clean the diarrhea off my foot, which is, I don't know if you've had dog shit, you have. There's nothing more repugnant. It's so, it's so horrifying. I clean it up, and then here I am, I, thank God, I got that steam cleaner, and I'm fucking steam cleaning, and the smell of the dog shit, I think, is still in the carpet.

It's still there. Yeah. It's still there. I walked in the room last night, I was like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. What is it? Well, because I mushed it in.

When I stepped on it, I mushed the shit into the fiber. I can throw it right now. When I stepped in her shit, I made her lick it off my foot. I didn't. But I stepped in it, I thought it was the kid's slime. Yeah. I was like, oh, you left the slime in there. And I just had a pancake of shit on my bottom of my foot.

Well, at least you didn't get the diarrhea one, man. No, the diarrhea is much worse. Much worse. I was so fucking upset. I was so troubled. I would like to give a shout out to all my sexy BBWs. So fine. So delicious.

Look at you. Look at you. Chocolate mocha caramel complexion. Oh my god. You just make my heart melt, baby. Just by looking at your fine ass. Aw, thank you. Is that white chocolate that I see?

It doesn't matter to me, baby. As long as you're a BBW. Mmm, all are delicious. Wow. And I ain't talking about buffalo barbecue wings either, baby. You know what I'm talking about. What's he talking about? Yeah.

I love him. I think it's pretty cool that we have like a kind of a poet cool guy. I like him a lot. Yeah. I will say, I don't, I don't. He's a little more refined. Yeah, I don't want to put him in with the cool guys. Oh, wow.

I don't because I said I like him. I'm attracted to his. Appreciation. I don't think he's, he doesn't make, he doesn't creep me out. Well, that's the thing. He doesn't do the, I would, I would contest this judgment of him being a cool guy. Yeah. Because he doesn't do like sit on my face.

I want you to fart on it. Like all I want to do is fill you up. Like he does, he keeps it kind of very white. Like you fine ladies. Yeah. He, he's, he has some level of restraint there. You're right. I retract the guitar riff.

Oh, your honor. You are no longer cool, sir. 00:59:15,280 --> 00:59:17,600 You actually are a nice man. Thank you. Yeah. I can't believe I won my case. You did win your case.

You won your case. And uh, how about this guy? You think this guy's cool? Hey, look at, look at what the verse says there. Let your women keep silence in the churches. Well, that just means that they're not allowed to talk. They can scream if they want to, but they're just not supposed to talk. No silence means silence.

Well, I'm a modern and powered woman. I'm just as good as a man. I can do anything that a man can do. I'm better than a man in some ways. And, and whatever. I will not submit myself to such chauvinistic, you know, horrible rules. Okay. Then you're not saved.

You're not saved. Fuck. Obedience. Cool, cool guy. Yeah. That's a cool guy. Yeah. What's the, I like his story collection.

Communism is a satanic thing. It's witchcraft. Nope. Well, I'm, I'm a Christian feminist. I've, I've actually heard that. I'm a Christian feminist. No, you're lost. Turn next to second Corinthians chapter seven.

Yeah. There's no such thing as a Christian feminist. Okay. I don't want to care what laws are passed. Well, today is election day, selection day. Well, who's going to win by dinner Trump? Who's going to be in? I don't care.

It doesn't matter to me. Why? Because my, my, uh, rules, my orders remain the same no matter who gets in. Well, Joe Biden's going to come in and he's going to bring in liberal, liberal communism. Okay. Then I'll disobey it. Yeah.

Well, Donald Trump's going to come in and he's going to bring in right wing fascism. Then I'll disobey it. Why? Because if I obey them, I'm not obeying the Bible. He makes a good point. It's a valid point. It's a very valid point. You know what I like when he goes, election, selection, like he threw in his own little

saucy wording there. 01:01:04,640 --> 01:01:05,760 Just to make it fun. Well, you know, he has some ability with words. Yeah. His dead eyes kind of take them words away. 01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:17,920 But, um, he, you know, he has kind of a terrifying glare.

Right. Right. Well, if I was a woman, by the way, I would be terrified of this man. Yeah. Yeah. He's aggressive. I thought I didn't, I don't know. I like his outfit.

I like his beard. I think he's cute. Beard's great. Yeah. I wish he'd, you know, cool it a little because he's attractive. Well, they're going to lock down the country again. You're not going to be able to drive on the road. Sorry.

Not happening. I didn't obey it the first time. I'm not going to obey it this time. If I need to get out there and get food for my family, I'm going to get out and I'm going to get food for my family. Period. Period. I'm going to get out.

I like when people get fired up on camera about, you know what I mean? Like there's no one there, but he's, he's having the argument. It's self-generated. Yeah. Oh, we passed a law. We go come out here and go get vaccinated. There's a sign. There's the military.

They're coming around door to door. Sorry. I'll obey God rather than men. I'm going to come to the front door with my sword in my hand and say, I'm obeying God and not you. I'm not going to do it. Life of the flesh is in the blood. I'm not going to let you put things that are going to get into my bloodstream that are poisonous.

You won't kill me. You won't kill my wife. You won't kill my son. Not happening. This is a, this is a good anti-vax spokesman, I think, you know. Perfect. If you want a guy to kind of summarize it. There you go.

You know what though? How's that guy? I like him in terms of leadership for these people. I think he's a strong leader. I like him. He's charismatic. He's handsome. I think he probably has a congregation.

Seems like it. He should. And I like his sword. Well, sir, I'm, I'm afraid that we've passed law. I don't care about your laws. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah.

Well, sir, you're violating some things by saying what you're saying on YouTube right now. Fine. Then shut me down and let God destroy your home. May the wrath of God fall upon you. Oh, wait a minute. I'll obey God rather than men. There you go. Well, hold on.

He wants God, so God's his homie, like his backup. Yeah. And God will put the wrath on you. That's right. Oh, shit. That's an Old Testament. Um, yeah. Wow.

Pretty cool. I found that you sent in some pain and stuff. Um, I am endlessly fascinated in love with and thralled by dead pain. But if you don't mind it, think money can buy happiness. You don't know where to fucking shop. You can get money and then go save the world. You can get money and save the forest in Brazil. You make money and go save global warming, which I don't believe in.

You can, I mean, and save the, uh, the people, kids in Biafra and all that shit. But without money, you can't save a fucking thing. Don't you understand? Don't the fucking idiots on YouTube understand that? Until you make some shackles. Until you make some fucking coin. You can't help anybody. There you go.

Shmoney, as Cardi B says. Shmoney. Okay. He's right. Isn't he right? He seems like it. You can help that stuff out better with money. I mean, I think there's probably an argument to be made that you can help without money.

Yeah, but it's better. You can volunteer your time. You can provide services. You can, you can still help people without money. 01:04:16,160 --> 01:04:17,120 But I get what he's saying. Like you can't have the same impact. Like real fundamental, you know, hey, we're going to save this forest.

Well, you could, yeah, you could pay to, you know, I guess, buy the acreage. Yeah. But I see what he's saying. But yeah, he's always just like, it's fun. He's the best. Oh, oh fuck. I'm going to throw up. This is England.

Yeah, I like that one. So that guy is fingering his belly button. Then he smells it and he's like his eyebrows raised where he's like, it's a pretty good smell. And then he lowers his shirt and he's playing with his belly now. Yeah, that's a cool guy. I found him. You did? Yeah.

I want you to find this one. I don't know, but I saw it. As soon as I saw it, I sent it in. Yeah. It's pretty bold to do this on public transportation. Yeah. That's a whole other level. Oh my God, I'm so excited about this.

I can't believe I almost, we almost wrapped the segment without doing this. Okay. Fart Simpson. Oh. So you don't know this, but I'm telling you now. On the new live show, we profile Fart Simpson. Oh my God. And we get to show you how he does it.

The guy, he is a magician with this. And he literally, I think if you were to go, who does the best prank phone calls in the world? Fart Simpson. He has to be, if he's not number one and you saw other prank callers, they'd be like, well, he's one of the top three. He is a masterful prank call. Yeah. I didn't realize I saw the piece that's going to be on the live show.

Oh my God. It's unbelievable. And to celebrate and further endorse that, here's a new Fart Simpson call. This is so fucking funny. He calls a linguistics professor, like a language professor. Yeah. And just, it's so good. There's video to go along with this one.

Here we go. Hello. Hey, Professor. Yes. Could you hold on for one second, please? Sorry. I'm just, just finishing. Yeah, yeah.

Take your time. Okay. Sorry to one second. No. Exactly. The actual details of the translations will be, will be just the second half of the course, but it might be on the close reading, but not on the translation. Okay.

Bye, Katie. Sorry. Bye, Katie. Bye. Thank you. You're welcome. Sorry. Yes.

No worries. So somebody recommended you. I have been on the search for trying to figure out a language that my brother, Tom is speaking. Okay. It was an unfortunate event, but my brother and I were feeding deer in our backyard, and sure enough, one of the deer just kicked him right in the head. And after about a month of recovery, he's, you know, good now, his health is good,

but he just keeps speaking this language. Yeah. We've been doing Google translation. We've called different professors with no luck. So I wanted to see if you could at least listen to my brother for a moment, and maybe try and distinguish whether he's speaking Latin or what language he's speaking. We're talking a little bit, and I moved on. Uh, I think I hear him.

Jack Thomas here, and Jordan Jackson. Hello? Nice to meet you. Hello, Tom. About two weeks time. Yeah. See, does that sound like Latin to you? No, it doesn't.

I mean, I can't. I can't. I'm not better than seeing this somewhere. What about Jarvis? Is that a Latin word? He's always going on about Jarvis. Jarvis, I'm a Jarvis. No, it's not a Latin.

It's not a Roman word. There's a year I've enjoyed this one. I'm sorry. I wish I could help you. I mean, it sounds... Just again. I... Timmy, calm my busy.

I mean, I wonder whether it's, you know, I hear intonations that remind me of some languages that reminds me actually of Hindi. I've read about those people that have, you know, gone into a coma and woken up and can speak like Cantonese or something. You don't think this is happening to him and he's got something really prolific to tell us? I don't believe that he could have, you know, be somehow miraculously speaking in a language that he didn't know. I mean, that's just my theory, and I don't know whether he's trying to...

...articulate something in some language. It sounds to me like it's just very slurred. The sounds aren't really Latinate to my ears. None of the endings are sounding like Latin. I would love to be able to tell you that it is a language that it has meaning, but it doesn't sound to me like one. Uh, I mean, he's not retarded. He's definitely speaking a language, no?

Well, I don't think, I mean, well, I just wish you all the best. Yeah, I don't know. I'm gonna look more into the Hindi language. I think you're onto something with that. I'm moved around. I mean, I just wish you all the best. Good player. It's a great act of faith, and I hope you're right that it is a language.

I am sorry. I wish I could, I really wish I could help you. Well, I really appreciate all your help and your time, Professor. Good luck with everything. Say goodbye, Tom. Goodbye. Oh my God, it's so good. If you, of course, don't remember who he used to play that part,

is a guy who featured many times on the show from this clip. What do you think makes it a great talent? Yeah, lots of tourists around. The tours don't go out, man. It's great, isn't it? Great, give it your all, boy. So it's just a drunk Irish guy. Who, I guess, is he jumping between English and Gaelic or something,

or is he just drunk English? I think it's a little bit of both. Yes, if he was like it, right? Yeah, I mean, but that guy was like, Hindi. I'm here. I'm not hearing any tones. He's like, is that Latin?

He's like, not a Roman word, no. I love, I always love how sincere the other person is on the call. That's a Matt. I mean, he actually got the professor to listen and be like, I don't know what language this is. And eventually he's like, I hear slurring. Like, you're onto something. You are onto something.

Holy shit. I love too that Fart left in the beginning, where there's another student there, and he's putting the phone down. That's such like a dad thing to do with the phone. Hold on. Oh, God, that was so masterful. So when you see how he does it,

that's the thing is when you listen to his prank calls, at first, you know, you're just taken by the comedy of it. And then you're like thinking about the executioner. Yeah, how? And you go, wait, this is not like some simple thing. And then you watch him like how he does it. It is elaborate. I mean, he is dedicated.

And no, these are incredible to put together. Well, because I'm wondering, and don't tell me, but my theory is, is that he has a sound board. And then, but how does he know? Like this person says, what's your name? And he's like, and he has the sound board all laid out. The whole process will be, it's on YMH Live. Oh, I can't wait.

You got to see it. YMHVirtual.com. But big shout out to Fart Simpson. You should follow him on Instagram and check out all his. Is that what Fart looks like? Did he use his own image? No. Oh, I can't wait to see what he looks like even.

But a lot of people want to know if you're going to answer to this or not, to what I'm going to show now. All right. Do you have an answer or not? Evening, my kings and queens above 18. This video right here goes out to a very special queen above 18, Christine from mom's house.

Christine, I still love you. I know that you didn't mean what you said. You just said it, not even thinking. I say you need to let me take you out on a date and take you to dinner and show you the real king. Show you how I am and show you what I'm all about. And you might like me. Is he driving?

You let me know if I can do that. I would be glad to do that. You have a beautiful night, my queen. You are beautiful. I'm going to make you my queen of the year. Tom, you take care of that queen over there. Okay. I love you, my queen above 18.

Wow. I had no idea. Listen, how benevolent is my king, by the way? Christine from mom's house. I mean, what a Christian king that he forgave me for the rude things I said about him. I really appreciate that king. He also, by the way, at first I was like,

well, this guy is asking my wife out. And then, no, then I'm like, well, maybe he doesn't, you know, know. And then he tags it with like, hey, Tom, you take care of her too. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are we sharing her? Well, that's the thing. But I gotta say something. I give permission. No, I don't know, Tom.

I give permission. I don't know, Tom. If you would like to go out on a date with the king, I sign off and I know you'll. Let me stop. I know you'll have a good time. I know you'll appreciate the king's generosity. Hold on.

I think it could be a really nice event. Hold on. If you want to get on a flight tonight, and we'll figure out the details. Flight, he's a truck driver. He can drive here. Well, that's a long drive. I think it's fair for you to go meet him at least halfway.

You don't know where he is. I don't know. What's halfway from here? He lives in Ohio. Is that where he is? Yeah. Well, I'm sure he's a driver. Next time he comes by LA, he's just swing by the studio.

Get on a quick flight. Okay, here's the thing. Is that I thought we were in a. Christine from mom's house. I thought we were in a closed marriage. Are we now becoming Polly and Bye? I think on a case by case basis. I don't think that like we open.

Where did we even discuss this? I know, it just changed right now in this moment. I don't think that we go, hey, we're open. But I think when certain opportunities arise, it's worth consideration. And I think this is one of those. And the king has convinced me that it's, you know, I think he's a gentleman.

I think he would take you to a nice dinner. You're not going to get jealous? Well, that's what I said. I think he will treat you with respect. And I expect him to. And I think he will, you know, and I'm saying like at the end of the night, you want to give it like a quick little kiss or something. I'm okay with that, you know.

Maybe like a back rub or something. I think that's fine. A back rub. Or a bath or something. Yeah. Babe. What? Champagne roses.

I get it. I get it. Oh, I'll tell you something. Get some NRE going. And nothing would make you happier than seeing my phone lighten up, getting those text messages. And I go, oh my gosh, he's so excited about her new boyfriend. Here's the thing though, the king is so sweet.

Like, I don't know. I think, I don't know if we'd be a good match, because I think he's actually a sweeter guy than I am. Do you know what I mean? I'm not as like emotional. I think he's more of a sweet cuddly guy. Yeah. I don't know, Tom.

Maybe you're kind of more for like a different type of guy, you know. You want another mouse stripper? No. Why? No way. It's this one. It's this one. I think this is, it's upstairs?

It's upstairs. Is he gonna knock on the door? Oh, it's right here. It's right here. I like it. It's right here? It seems like it. It's Tony John.

I know. It looks great. Yeah. Yeah, you are the mouse stripper. You look, wait. What house is it at? Get the fuck out of here, man. Get the fuck out of here right now.

Tony John, I guess that was a prank. Oh, right. That's a risky prank to knock on some dude's door. He's wearing the like the Borat bathing suit, you know, from the first one. Yeah. No, he's got a nice piece on him, but I didn't know he was so thin. He's really thin. Yeah.

Well, I mean, we suspect he did do some DRUGSs, you know. Yeah, I don't know if you have to spell that. Oh, sorry. I don't know why. Did I assume all our listeners were toddlers? Yeah. Well, Tony, I hope you're doing well. I think you look great in that bathing suit.

Yeah, I got a DUI, baby. I would definitely let him in if he was like, you're a male stripper. I'm like, come on in, man. Can I tell you, I would go on a date with Tony John's in a heartbeat. What? I am so amused by him. He's one of my favorite cool guys.

I am. I'm endlessly amused by Tony John's. I love him. OK. I want to hear what he has to talk about. What's up, daughter? DUI, baby. All right, let's take a quick break,

and we'll be back in just a moment. We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break. And we are back very happy to welcome back a very good comedian and friend of ours. Josh Wolf, thank you very much for stopping by. You're back. Thank you for having me.

I appreciate it very much. Hit stop on your trip. Yeah. Yeah, man. From I was sleeping on my adult son's bed last night. An adult son? Yeah. I forgot to tell you one thing though.

You know what I found by the side of the bed that's up against the wall? One sock tucked down. No. And I was like, damn it. You want to touch that? I was like, you couldn't adjust. Our sons could not be further apart in age right now.

Yes. We have little sons who don't know to touch their dicks yet. And how old? Two and almost five. Has your two-year-old found his butthole yet? That was more the older kid like his butthole. The two-year-old, I have seen him grab his balls when I'm changing him aggressively.

And I'll be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's like, he'll be like, check this out. Like, look how hard I can grab him. I'm like, oh, man, I see a kink building right here. You never thought cock ring was going to be on the Christmas list. Well, the older boy will get on all fours and put his asshole in your face naked

and be like, look at my butthole. He loves it. And he goes, I want a poop on you. Cool, man. Both of your kids seem to have really taken the kink up a notch. Oh, yeah. When you, let me ask you, because this was always such a weird phenomenon to me.

My kids never seemed to want me to read to them until I was taken to shit. And then they will come in. I never got to poop in private. No, never. I haven't had to shit privately in five years. And I have the whole audience. I've got the two-year-old, the four-year-old, the dog.

Everybody comes in. Not me. I'm not in there for that. Knowing as a fuck about dad. I don't want to see that. Well, you're probably like, hey, mom's pooping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do it to him.

Like, go ask dad if he needs help. It is distressing. I hate it. I love shitting in peace. I know. That's what the door's for. That's why nobody, that's why they put the walls up in the stalls. Yeah, but I don't like it, Josh, because I need to talk to him

about stuff. Like, I'll even yell through the wall, through the door. Like, babe, did you get that? And he'll ignore me like he can here. Yeah, I like to ignore. I do that too. So rude. And my wife's always like, can you not hear me?

And I'm like, could you not talk to me before I went to go poop? I know. The thing is, the almost five-year-old, at least, understands. So if you're like, get out of here. I'm trying to take it as shit. He'll be like, fine. And you'll leave.

But the two-year-old will start. He'll be like, open, open. Because I'll be like, oh, for fuck's sake. And then he's just like. I love it when they rub your back. And you're like, I'm so proud of you. And you're like, that feels good. They want to see it too.

He's like, I see the poo poo. That's the best. Can I, when Jacob was like four, my youngest son. So I don't know, do you still take showers with them? Yeah, yeah. I mean, actually, I have a whole bit about it on stage right now. But it's pretty wild because the kid, the four-year-old,

likes showers. And I've seen him slip, which is terrifying. But also, he'll just empty entire bottles of shampoo. And I'm like, fucking, what are you doing, man? It's like a playground for him. My son, I remember one time. And this is what, because they're still trying to figure out your body, their body, why it looks.

And so we were in the shower. This is one of the last times we showered together. And he was just staring at my dick. And so I was, we got out of the shower and I went for the towel. And he's still staring at my dick. And he went, no, wait, wait, wait. And he said to me, he goes, he was squinting first.

And he goes, why is your penis so much bigger than mine? Yeah. And I told him, I go, first of all, look, no matter how the other person is, it's always nice to hear that. You know what I mean? Yes. Four-year-old, 12-year-old.

I'm just up one more on the totem pole than I thought. But I realized that like, oh, this guy really has no, he thinks that's as big as it's going to get for him. And he's wondering how he lost out in the, you know what I mean? Yeah, right. He doesn't have perspective. No. So it's going to grow.

My son did. He did a similar thing. It's going to grow like the rest of you. I mean, fingers crossed. Yeah. Yeah, you will. I Googled for the first time ever a microscopic penis. Yeah, yeah.

Micro penis. Micro penis. So sad. I had never known that was a thing. It's really sad. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's, there are some that are bigger,

as big as a grain of rice. No. Yeah. But like, does it get lost in the hair? Is that what happens? I don't know, man. Like. Oh dear, there's one.

Yeah. I mean, I mean, we've all seen Bobby Lee Nagan. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I told him before, I'm like, you're the only guy I know who has two belly buttons. And one's an any. I gotta say, I always, you know, my dick, I'm always like,

everyone, you know, most people are like, I wish I had a bigger dick. And they go, when they're, when their dick's showing, they go, you know, it gets bigger. I always tell people, you know, it gets smaller. Because I'll see my dick at a stage that I think is small. And then later I'm like, what the fuck happened to that? Like it'll go further up inside of me.

If I do like any type of, any type of like exercise, any cardio or something, it'll like invert itself. And I have to, but it grows like a thousand percent. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. I have to say, the other day I walked in on you and you were showering and you turned around and I was like, damn, like you had a really good hang.

And yeah, there's like, there's days and there's moments and you know, like, how do you think that is? I don't know. I mean, you know, it could be like that day that you came in the shower or saw me. I probably, A, hadn't ejaculated in like four days or something. And then I, I, I wasn't scared. I was, I was warm.

There was warm water in the shower. Yeah. You know, all the, like the moon and everything alone. I wasn't scared. Yeah. Yeah. Does, I haven't, I guess. Fear, fear will do it.

Fear makes you. Well, because our little heads. Yeah, everything will. Your body will go in. I mean, it doesn't mean that it happens to everybody, but it's a, like men in, like if you are actually in fear, like your testicles and everything will come in closer. Right.

And your body is like, like, what's it called? Like saving mechanism where it's like protect yourself. Yeah. So for me, like, yeah, I remember one time we had these movers come in and dude had like, I was like making sure that we were like in a bad neighborhood. Dude's all like tattered on the neck and stuff. And I pulled her aside.

I go, my dick's so small right now. Because I was like, watching these guys go through our house. My dick's so small, right? Yeah. Whatever. That's what you wanted to let her know. Not like, watch these guys, but my dick's real small. My dick's real small.

So we just moved to Nashville, right? I had the, and we've all had horrible moving experiences, right? With the movers. Yeah. These were, I had the worst. Okay. So first of all, they're supposed to show up at 10.

Dude calls me at 9.45. And he goes, hey, we're going to be about 45 minutes late. I'm stopping for some breakfast. Oh, great. Great. Good. Thank you. Yeah.

Not can I stop for some breakfast or we're really hungry or anything like that. We're going to be late because we're going to stop for some breakfast. So I was like, this is not, we're not jumping off to a great start. Yeah. Go through the drive-thru homie, McDonald's.

Or get up 45 minutes earlier. This is not my, this is a you problem. Not my problem. So we have, I go, I need three people. The townhouse that we have is three floors. And I go, and you're going to need some people who don't mind going up and down stairs. So two people show up.

One of the guys after his first trip to stairs comes down and goes, hey man, I got asthma. What, can you just point me to the first floor stuff? I go, oh, are you just the first floor mover? And he goes, yeah, I'm just doing first floor. I go, who's the third floor guy? So the other guy's third floor guy. Now the second guy that they were supposed to, and by the way,

first floor guy finds my merch and he's like, hey man, can I get a t-shirt? Third guy shows up on a motorcycle hour later. Open wounds. He's a, he's obviously a drug addict. He's got one giant open sore. Oh. He's like, he's like, he's like the Hindu.

He's like Shiva, God of meth. He's got with one eye in the middle. We have this, we have, I think we know this guy. I don't know, what, what was it called? We hired this guy, I think. He had open sores all over his body and he was, and I caught him taking pictures in my house. You take pictures in your house?

I sent them all to lunch and I told him. Washington, Washington. Yeah. Is that him? Why? What is that? That's your guy. You always push away the nice guys and go for the douchebags.

Okay, so right away, because I really enjoy, well actually weird shit. My first question is, because I really want to know how many knuckles deep you think I could go in that hole right there? Oh my God. You think I could get one knuckle in there? I mean, I think you can definitely get a knuckle in there. I think, I think I could go one knuckle on that dude.

I want to know, like, how you're not, like, how you're like, I'm a, I'm going to leave the house today? I'm not going to get a gauze pad and tape this up. Or just go to a doctor. Dress it up and put some sun rays around it. If I had a hole in my body like that, I would be so, it would be all consuming until I figured that out. Well, Gabriel, like, lazy ass is really gone.

This is that. How do you get that hole though? I mean, first of all, I don't know. And I think that the guy, this video, he's like, hey, what, hey ladies, why are you like this to, why are you pushing away the nice guys? And you like the douchebags. And I feel like he should start being like, by the way, I know there's a hole in my face.

I know. And then get into your. Address it. It should be the lead. It's a lead story. If you are. Don't turn this off. I know you see the hole in my face.

Yeah, yeah. Don't turn this off. It's like if you're a 400 pound comic and you get on stage for the first time and don't say anything about being 400 pounds. Yeah. You got a lead with, I have a giant hole. Hole in my face. You can see my ladies.

I know you can see my brain. Yeah. But isn't that sexy? You can see how smart. It is rough to look at, man. But look at you. There's, I love, here's what I love. I love that you assume drugs.

I'm going to just, I mean, what kind of coke that that's the old Joe Diaz joke. What are they cutting this coke with butter? Yeah. Because he's this dude is. I know. Clearly not doing it right. I asked Dr. Drew. I'm like, if he's on meth, I mean, aren't you supposed to be skinny?

He's like, no, there's a lot of, you can still, right? Didn't he say that? I don't remember now. I don't think this has anything to do with drugs. Yeah. He's like, no, it does. Drew, I think it's a drug. That this guy's on drugs.

I think this is a skin condition. Like this guy has like dermatological, you know. I think he's. Can you be fat on Matthew Google? Is that the Google? Can you be fat on that? Now. But look, I found stuff.

You did. I do want to tell you, and I, and I, um, Ryan had told me how much you enjoy horrible videos. Yeah. I have a video that I'm not sure that you could show, but I have a video that I would love to have you watch and get your reaction. Whatever it is. Yes. All right.

This is because I enjoy gross shit like. Really? So here's the thing. Yeah. I'm sure you're on a email chain or text chain with a bunch of people who this is the grossest, the grossest. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. I have one friend who finds things that he lives in Montana. Mm hmm. And I think the internet's different there because he finds things and I'm like, where are you finding this? But he finds like it's, he's the first guy years ago who, who sent me the, the guy getting the blow job from the fish. I'm sure you've seen that video.

But from the fish? No. Oh, you haven't seen the guy talking about. In the ocean with a wild fish getting a blow job? No. You haven't seen that video? I haven't seen that. You can Google.

How have we missed this? Guy getting blow job from fish. That one will come up. I've seen guy getting butt fucked by horse and dying. Yeah. That was a neat one. This one is great because he's got a friend filming him. Fish blow job videos.

And it's on one of our favorite websites. Oh yeah. Okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh, I gotta make sure that I have this. But this, okay. I can't believe there's more than one. Yes, I can.

What am I kidding? If there's one, there's more than one, right? Hold on. Okay. But I sent this video that I'm about to send you to the guys at, let me just tell you that this video. Is this it? This isn't it.

No, that is. Oh, that's the ad. Definitely not it. There have been people have thrown up. Oh, is this it? No, but that's a good one. This. So horrible that they're torturing that fish.

Well, this one, the one that I saw is the guys in the ocean. Oh my gosh. And he is getting the blowjob from the fish. And when he pulls the fish away and lets it go, the fish comes right back to the deck. Oh, he thinks it's a tube or something to eat. Something, but hold on, let me just make. Oh, God.

I, hold on, let me just make sure. He thinks he's eating coral. Like he's like, when am I going to get sustenance from this tube of coral? It is, I'll find it afterwards and send it to you. I don't know where I can find it. No, that's okay. I think we're good.

Yeah, this one is. I get it. I got it. Terrible. Oh, are you watching it right now? He's watching other stuff. I'm looking for other stuff. Girls shitting on waffles and.

Girls shitting on waffles. Is that a porno category? It is now. I'm looking right now. I'm like, by the way, you know what's crazy? You say that, but I bet you if you Google girl shitting on. Yeah, I know. I mean, my favorite to this day, still my favorite

and the one that makes me laugh every single time, even though I know what's coming and I know cake farts to me is still. Seriously. Cake farts is cool. Undisputed, heavyweight champ of ridiculous videos. Now that's been said to us so many times. You know, there's one part.

There's one part that makes me laugh. Yeah. It's the close up of her butthole that has frosting on it. And then when she farts, some of the frosting just flies. Really gets you. I don't know why. It's so where's the where's the docking video? I wanted to show them.

Oh, that's interesting. That's a good one. What's that called? I think if you search for prolapse. Now, see, Josh, I like a little bit of mental illness in my video. Oh, yeah. The one that I really has tickled me for years

has been homeless guy gets raped by gay ghost. And it's just this guy in an alleyway. What? And he's got his legs in the air and he's in an alley alone and he thinks he's getting fucked by a ghost. It's like a real performance. I've never seen that. Yeah.

And he's going, he's going. Fuck me in my ass, man. Fuck me. It feels good when you're fucking me. It's so funny. Let me ask you something. He's an ecstasy. It's so great.

Are you, are you, and I'm just gonna come straight out next. Sure. Are you anti-ghost? I mean, are you just saying ghost? Are you saying ghosts don't exist? Have you seen this before? Yes. That's what I was going to send you.

You've seen this? Yeah. Oh, yeah. This was what I was going to send you. This is the thing? Yeah. Yeah. You know what gets me?

Have you seen the one where the guy puts the prolapse in his mouth? Yeah. That one is. 01:35:03,120 --> 01:35:03,840 Yeah. Do you know what the first time I saw that, I was like, that is, because it looks like something from Star Wars.

Yeah. You would see in a Star Wars bar? It's pretty wild. Yeah. Do we have that? Are you going to, are you here? Are you joining us? Is it done?

This is not a. I don't like it. Can I ask you? Do I have that in my body? Yeah. You just need a guy to pull it out of you on the right hand. Here's the thing, we could make this video. Which one am I?

Am I the clean ass or the hairy one? I think you're the clean one. You're clean. Can you turn it off, please? Okay, okay, hold on. It's so bad. I like that one. Do you get what's going on there?

01:35:50,160 --> 01:35:53,600 There's a guy, like, he's trying to do a video, I guess, maybe like a TikTok and he's on top of a refrigerator. And he's obviously trying to set something up and he falls with everything in the refrigerator. Oh, so fine. So, let's see, he's like. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Yeah. No, I gotta tell you. That's a good one. I have no sympathy, empathy, any of that for these. No, right? That you earned. You 100% agree with that.

Yeah, there's things that like you go, okay, I feel bad. Like, you know. This is not. This, you feel bad, you know. You all right? He's okay. He's fine. That, by the way, win it, that just shows you,

when is your time? It's your time. That had to be the most precise. Yes. Half a second, either way. Oh, I know. And now his shoulder is fucked. You think it's just his shoulder?

That's what I think. Oh, that's nice, dude. It probably makes you feel better laughing. Exactly. It's just his shoulder injury. What do you want to do? I like how we just assign the injuries. If we assign the injuries that make us feel good.

There's just moments, you're right. It's like Melissa, like, check this out. You haven't even seen this one. But can I ask, let me ask you, hold on. Would you rather have a death like this, where you're just walking down the street in your shorts and your t-shirt, and then you get hit by some crazy iron bar,

or you're on a motorcycle, and you see the demise coming as you're about to get into the audience in the accident? This. Yeah. I agree, because you're just like, oh my God, what am I going to have for lunch?

Conk and then he's done. Or a long illness suffering. Fuck that. Fuck that. Do you know what is great? And I say great, because death isn't great. But as far as death is concerned. Yeah.

What's great about this is there's no fear involved. Right. You don't have to feel any. Exactly. There is no fear. You didn't know what happened. Right. I'm not scared of dying.

I'm not. There's no, oh, I died alone. There's none of that stuff. That's a great point. This is just, I'm alive. Things are great. And now I'm not. Now not so great.

But there's none of that anxiety. And I would even say, I don't even know, like as a family member, if I would rather see somebody go through it. No. Or this is tough, because you don't get to say your goodbyes and all that. That's the one thing I would not,

I'd be sad about is not saying goodbye to my kids and my husband. But then again, I don't want them to watch me dying and having to deal with all that shit. Do you think this is a good way to go out? Oh fuck. I don't like it all right. Is this, is this hungry?

It might be. It's definitely Europe. It's Europe, yeah. Might be there's a real one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh. But then look. He's okay.

He's like, Jesus man. A little wobbly, little wobbly. Oh, you're going the wrong way, bro. That guy got out. Look, there's that lady. Is there a lady or a man? Wow. And then he's like, I'm going to get the fuck out of here.

But when I see that again, that was pretty amazing. They both swirled, like the person swirled into him. Into him, yeah. Well, that, the driver is completely at fault there, obviously. Wow. Yes. Right?

Like, in fact, this was captured. The dashboard. Coming up on an intersection. Okay. It's the perfect storm. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm always surprised by how.

Wobbly, little wobbly. But in my jacket, I'm fine. Now, you know, that guy could be dead an hour later. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm always surprised by how they go up in the air and not they don't just go straight back and get run over. Wait, but hold on.

So she gets out of her car. The driver looks over and she's like, oh, he's fine. Great. It gets back into the car. Like, it's fine. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Yeah, I do like that.

01:39:40,800 --> 01:39:45,440 No, the watching the legs and everything go over, that's the funny part. Absolutely. You know, just seeing like the flip. No, I didn't laugh once in that. Oh, I think the up in the air, the feet going straight up. That's always a funny thing.

Always funny. Yeah. What do you think is more funny? So did you grow up in Florida, Tom? If a part, yeah, part of the time, yeah. So did you ever grow up in an area where people were slipping on ice? Yes, I lived in the Midwest.

That to me, the slipping on the ice might be because when you slip on ice. The slipping on ice is hilarious. Yes. And deadly. Yes, but funny before death. Yes. The best part is when you slip, it's that when you hit the apex

and you almost freeze for a second, that's my favorite. I've eaten shit on ice so many times. Seriously. Yeah. Oh my god. Nothing hurts more. The time that you actually do it is when you're like, you're like, oh, all right, we got to go.

And you just walk out the door like you normally would and you don't realize that there's an ice patch either on those stairs, on the sidewalk, and you will, with force and momentum, I mean, just absolutely eat shit. It's funny to watch, but I know a dude who died. He slipped on the ice, hit his head, and he died freshman year of college. Yeah.

What? He was a freshman? He was a freshman in college. Not anymore. No, he's dead now. Right. He's not anymore. Remember when you were a freshman in college before you died?

And alive. Not anymore. Or just forever a freshman in college. Forever. That's a nice way to look at it. That's true. Yeah. Well, it's a good thing you had a brain damage.

I mean, but people broke elbow arms. Elbows dislocate shoulders. Yeah, because you like your naturally, when you slip a fall, you put it down. This is terrible. Let's not talk about this. All right. Was he something funny?

Yeah. Hey, should we lighten up the mood? Oh, yeah. Well, hold on. That was a bummer. We ordered these. I need some positive, positive affirmation. I'm trying.

Just wait a second. Do you know what I ordered that just came to my house? What, buddy? A sequined Nicholas Cage pillowcase. Thank you. Wow. This is Joel Osteen. Inspiration Cube.

Yeah, Inspiration Cube. Just out of curiosity, what's he getting for that? $40. Really? $40. It's a lot more expensive than an app. Yeah. It would have been easier to just put on my phone.

Yeah, that is quite a racket. Well, we spare no expense here at your mom's house for our props, but. No, I like that. How many different inspirational? Oh, my God. There's a bunch in there. It's $1.50 different sermons.

And then it says Joel on here, too. Did you notice that, Tom? Yeah, and it's totally random. Like, you never know what it'll have in it. Like, I'm a fucking American, you fuck. Just whatever you get, you know. Wait, what did you just order, you said? A sequined Nicholas Cage pillowcase.

Oh, I didn't hear that. That's from Amazon? Yeah. Wow. That was on so fast. It's in Etsy has all these sequins where you wipe it and it's Nicholas Cage and you wipe it back and it's not. Wow.

Now, I think they missed the boat on wiping at Nicholas Cage, wiping it back John Travolta for Facebook. That would be great. I mean, they really missed the boat. That's a money move right there. Yeah. 100%. Now, I feel like just the concept of that,

I'm like, that should be $500. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, it's upsetting that I already know that it wasn't. Yes. I do like the fact that A, you guys are both super interested in it because I love that. But that like we, it could be $10 or $500.

But I'm so mad. I would pay. Yeah. Either one, I'd be like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. But like, if you can see a face by, you know, putting your, wiping your hand across it,

I feel like you've got to be able to, that should be a, there should be a cost associated with that. Yeah. That's not some bullshit, man. No, I mean, the technology for that alone seems $500. I got, I got one you're going to like here. This one, you're not going to get upset at. No one's going to be upset in the booth at this one.

You're going to like this one. All right. Okay. So this customer got mad because I didn't want to cash his check. And he shitted and fucking put that shit on my fucking car. Oh no. I'm going to beat his ass when I fucking see him. He don't know I got his social, his address and all of that.

I just got off a word. I didn't even want to take the shirt off my windshield. But Khalil Southbury Shepherd born January 15, 1996. I'm going to beat your ass like I said earlier. What make it so bad is I'm driving down the road. Everybody keeps staring at my fucking car. I need to get to a car wash. Ace up.

Everybody keeps staring at this. Look at this. Damn. This man pressure cleaning this shit and it's not coming off. It's not coming off. Oh my God. A customer shit on her windshield. No.

Shit it. Shit it. Shit it. He shit it on her. And left his pants too. Like fuck that bitch. That's the craziest question. And by the way, those look like Florida streets.

It's the sun cooked the shit into her windshield. And the shit looked like an orangey. Yeah it's not a healthy diet. That was not a healthy. It wasn't like a log. That was like a and so. My man needs his probiotics. A hundred percent.

Maybe some L-glutamine to tighten that up. But my question was exactly. Did he shit in his pants and then wipe it on the car? Like what's the. Such a gnarly move. Here's my theory. Okay guys go with me. Brownlock.

He shit in his pants. Took the pants off. And then mushed it on the windshield. And then but but then when he walks around. Donald Duck in it the rest of the day. Because I'm sure he doesn't have an extra pair of pants in his car. Yeah. But not only that.

That's crazy. I think we can all. Well I was just about to apply logic to somebody who shit in his pants and wiped it on somebody's car. And I can't really do that. But my thing is that like. The most uncomfortable part to me is not walking around naked. But wipe but walking around without having.

You you know you need to wipe after that shit. Well she said. She actually says in the video. He left his shirt here. So maybe what he did. Was he stood on the hood or something. Squatted over her windshield. Shit.

And then was wiping his ass with his shirt. Oh that would make so much sense. So his ass didn't have. And then you can leave with no shirt. That is so smart. I just left that shitty shirt. Babe you're so smart. Dun dun.

That was so good. By the way. You're so smart. I mean there's got to be a part two to this video. What happened to Khalil. We are all waiting. I would like her to know we'd all love the update. She does know his address.

I'm not putting it past this woman to go right to his house. What would be your move. So say. So so say is it shit for a shit like eye for an eye. Do you do you up this shit. Or what's your move. If you know who it is and you know like. I shouldn't say this.

Yeah. But I think it's violence. I think that that's what you do when somebody does that to you. Oh I know. You don't go I'm going to shit on you. You know I'm going to take a fucking baseball bat. To your ribcage. Yeah but but but somebody who's willing to

stand on your hood and shit. Oh this guy's fucking nuts. Yeah. But here's the thing you I think about people like that. They only speak one language. And that is I'm going to fuck you up. Yeah yeah. That's a really good point.

Yeah. I have to tell you like just I don't think I'd go back to this dude. I think it's probably. Yeah I'd let it lie. I don't think she should go. That's what you were talking about earlier before you got here today. Is like do you retaliate against crazy. Or do you just kind of let it go.

Just now my husband likes to confront it obviously. I think it depends. I think it depends like and it's changed as I've gotten older. 01:47:54,800 --> 01:47:55,760 With more to lose. When I was younger with nothing to lose. I am 100 percent confronting you. Yeah.

Because. Yeah. Why not. Right. Yeah. But right now if I think there's a chance. That's like OK because I grew up with three other brothers. So retaliation is a thing.

And you may I don't mind playing the long game. Yeah. Long game is good. That's the way that's the whole way. Is you don't do shit right now. No no no no no you can't. You stay you lay low for like six months brah. Keep it right here.

That is the way to do. I mean if I were like. I just put in my head that this is Florida and South Florida. 100 percent. And it may or may not be. But if it is for sure you can wait a few months. Keep all that info. And find people that for five hundred dollars.

Will set his house on fire. There are people that you can be like follow this guy. Yeah. And stab him in the leg. Like they'll do it. And I think just judging by the. I don't know. I don't you don't want to get it traced back to you.

Well fucking higher. Here's what I would do. Here's what I would do. You have a social security. You have everything you need to really ruin this person's life. I'm saying there are memberships to Nambla that you can sign him up for. There's like sneakier crazy or shit you could do to get.

That's true. You could really fuck his world up that way. I mean. I just have to say though. I'm not sure this dude Khalil is in a position where he cares if you're signing him up for. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Like this is a move with somebody crazy. I think you play the long game. And you just you you plan something out. And you tell you what Khalil would really hate. I'd throw shit on his fucking lawn. He couldn't use his right hand anymore. Oh yeah. To wipe his ass.

And I'm telling you I really think the move on these things is you you go to the park. You befriend a homeless guy. You go there like a couple of times a week. You bring him food and you make him trust you. Yeah. And then you go here's what I need you to do for me. And he's like you know he's like yeah I live at the park.

Whatever. What if he's like oh Khalil. Khalil. Oh yeah he's right there. Yeah yeah I know Khalil. But here you need a homeless guy that's like schizophrenic and are really talking to himself. So that way you can't get pinned on you because he could be like

who told you to go break that guy's head open. And no Tom Segura the comedian. But I think it's got to be someone who's crazy. So that way it's too crazy will not be able to execute the plan. And I think you just tell him the wrong name. He doesn't have to say I'm Tom Segura. But he's a recognized celebrity. You'd have to have Nadav do your bidding.

And Dav would have to go the more the more you can like separate from the the person you're asking to do the crime. Of course the better. I don't think though I think if I think if Tom goes down and walks around I don't think he's going to stick out amongst the homeless people as much as the Dove. And if Dove walks down there they're going to be like Narc look at this dude.

With me they'll be like he looks kind of homeless. Yeah he could maybe fit it. Yeah he maybe he came from here. He's not here now. But hold on is the revenge. Is it going to be tit for tat? Like are we going to put Kaka on his windows. Are we going to throw a bag of dog shit at him as he's walking

down the street so that it's on his face and he smells it. That's what I would want to do is put the Kaka on his face and like make him really smell it. I like how you go Kaka with some accent I can't. Tongueran. Oh is it. I like that. I like the Kaka accent.

Tongueran accent. Kaka. I'm telling you what you do is you put this guy in the hospital. Not like you don't end his life. You put him in the hospital. Tom you're going to get in so much trouble for that. I lean towards Kaka. Yeah I make Kaka.

If you do it you just tit for it so he doesn't so he'll fucking be like bitch that's a six months ago. That's the bitch I fucking shit on her windshield. It's shit for shot as well. Shit for shot. It's totally shit for shot. I'm talking both kneecaps both hands collar bone. But then if we're going to do that.

This guy's just in a body cast. Why don't we just you're not going to damage his ass. Hold on. I mean that's what I would do. That's a good point. And then can we put shit in his body cast. So that smells. So he's like it smells and they're like yeah these smell

sometimes because you sweat. He's like no it really fucking smells. Because I stepped in dog shit and it was so unpleasant. Barefoot the other day like if we could get him to do that let me ask you have you ever stepped okay. Have you ever stepped in human poop. No thank god. It's the worst I felt like cutting off my foot.

One of your kids out in the street. It's one of my like were you wearing clothes toad shoes or please god. Well I have to tell you I don't own flip flops or sandals. I'm a hundred percent anti thank god. Especially out in public like yeah we're fucking crazy. If you're at your house or plane on flights. Oh my god.

I saw there was a dude across the aisle from me clipping his fucking toenails. I'm not crazy. Nasty as hell. I've seen people clip them at the gate. Get your life sitting at the gate. Get your fucking life. You know the guy told me I go hey man you can't do that.

You said that. Yeah. What did they say. He goes I bought the seat. I go yeah I bought this seat too. I go you can't be clipping your toenails. And he goes they're all this was like ridiculous. He goes well they're all falling by my feet.

We've all clipped. They've they you don't know where the fuck your toenails are going. They shoot all over this guy mid 30s. Wow. Was he mentally. No. And I was like listen man I don't want to have to do this.

But I'm gonna. Yeah I would have bunged. And I said hey. Here's what I was. I was. Did they tell me when she comes over. I would just point. She said so you can't do that.

Of course you can't do that. It's just not okay. I don't think you should have your socks off. No you definitely should not be clipping your. Fucking toenails. Now brah. I would rather see somebody get a hand job. You know when like there's a couple and someone's

getting a hand job. I'm like loving who cares. Yeah. Like they're cleaning it up. It's in that blanket. I'm not using that blanket. Yeah. That's their seat.

Whatever. That doesn't. It's just like okay. I had a guy at one of my shows. Who he was finger banging his girl. At Hilarides. Okay guys. Not subtle.

Not subtle like this. You know at Hilarides. The tables are facing you and so that if it's around four top. The two people up front. They're facing you in front of the table. Right. So this.

They're in front of the table as opposed to behind the table where there'd be some type of like. Shut. Barrier. Yes. The fuck. And so in Hilarides. In front of the table.

Hilarides that there's a front row and that second row is a couple feet back from it. So you can see them. When I tell you he was not hiding it. She was sitting six inches away from him. No joke. It looked like he was a DJ scratch in a record. That's the arm motion he was making.

Eyeballing me the whole time. I was like oh this is some prison shit. Like this dude is staring me down. Yeah. And. The staff was like after the show they were like why didn't you throw him out. He did get thrown out.

But not for a finger in his girlfriend because. That's not illegal. No. And honestly if you say something like you were like hey man. So he was finger in the girl. And I was like I wonder. I didn't say anything because honestly it just gave me

something different to look at. It's kind of nice. Yeah you know what I mean. I was like all right. And I saw it was for me it was like a sign of respect. Oh she's yeah everybody's excited to be here you know. So he was finger in there looking at me. And I'm looking around.

And I'm like how is nobody else noticing. So I was a compliment to you by the way. It must have been a riveting show. We were having a great time apparently. Yeah. So I I had to kick them out because he ended up talking at the table and I can't have that. Yeah.

Because now you're. Yeah. Well now you're bothering other people like fingering is a thing or all you want. Yeah. I throw them out. And I asked the people who were sitting behind them. Oh I thought you guys were with them.

And she goes not the woman was a couple. The woman was like no I can't believe I had to sit at this table through that whole thing. And the guys I go you didn't see a guy. And he goes no I saw it. I can't believe I didn't have to pay extra for this ticket. I was like yeah he was like he was like it was I was watching two shows.

I didn't know which one to watch. Yeah. It turns out an entire half of the room saw them. Oh then they were seeing it. They were one half of the room. We named them the Fingertons. We were like Mr. and Mrs. Fingerton. It turned out OK this is even better.

It's insane. They went to the back of the room after separately. And called their separate spouses. No. So the reason he was so mad is because they were on the DL. Well you can't be on the DL together out in public fingering your mistress in the front row. Do you know what I mean.

Yeah. I've seen hands and crotches by the way in Ed shows before. But never a full like I've I've accused. I'm like hey what are you fingering her. The hand is like looks like it's up the dress but not the motion or same thing with the woman's hand like on a man's thigh like I'm like yeah jacket them off right now. With that body you had to show.

But it's just like something to see and say. You know like yeah it's like an observation right now. The only time I've really I don't like when people make noise. I agree. Like there was one woman that stood up and made a dolphin noise in the very front row during my act in Indianapolis. And I was like just throw you get out of here and she wouldn't leave and I had to sit down on the stool and wait for the

guard to let her like kick her out. It just don't make noise. And then she's completely hammered. Yeah. Don't vomit in my showroom. Had that happen. So by I've had people fall asleep drunk on that's fine. But even that's fine.

Yeah. Just be quiet about it. Don't throw anything and be quiet. Yeah. I know I had a show where the like there's all this noise like talking and I'm like what's going on. And then like after the show I was like so what was all that. And they were like yeah they just wouldn't stop talking.

That's what I asked you to watch out for. Like all the talking and they're like it was a group. So and I was like so then get the group out. And they're like yeah we're going to we'll work on that. I'm like this is the whole thing. There's not a lot to work on. Yeah. My my rule is this and I tell people right I give one

warning at the show and people who have come to my shows know this and they're always like you seem like such a you're very serious when you say this. I go I am. And the rule is if you're talking to me that's one thing because now you're part of the show and I can make that yes. That's true. If you're talking to each other and you're ruining somebody

else's show who paid for the ticket exactly zero tolerance. You're hearing my one warning. I'm not going to go back to your table and say I'm warning you. Do you say this at the show. Yeah. I say you're hearing my one warning. If you're talking to each other I'm going to throw you out. Yeah.

Period. Not like you know after a joke. I get that like that. But if you're carrying on conversations like the build the check comes. I get that sometimes people talk. Everybody wants to know who had the Bud Light. I get it.

I don't know why we got to talk out loud about it. But yeah I get it. How about just be a fucking adult. Grab some plastic from your wall. I know. Jesus Christ. My favorite is who had the iced tea. Oh my god.

I'll pay for the iced tea everybody. Yeah. I'm in the middle of my closer. Don't you remember just being like I got it. Yeah. You owe me 40 bucks. Talk about it after the show dipshit. I will tell you though the live shows I've been doing the

crowds are so excited. Now hold on. So Tennessee are you guys like open. You're allowed to do shows and stuff. Or how's it working there. So I did a show there at Zany's and I think they were at 120 people. So it's not a lot.

Nice. But that's still that's so great. I'm so jealous. And Denver I mean like two days before I got there they cut it from 50 to like 25 percent capacity. I think we're about to have like a major shutdown again. I think we are. Because it's and it's all I mean it's that you know people

aren't taking precautions but it's also that we're getting into winter and it's people are it's just going to get that. I think we're fucked. What makes me shocked about. That's cool. Does your burps have a taste. Sometimes they have a smell. Do they have a smell.

Oh my god. I know they always smell like garbage or exactly what he ate. His pee smells terrible this morning. It was like dude you even drank water. Hey we're talking about burps. And one time we peed together. Like you were sitting down he was peeing. No I'm sorry I meant we showered together.

This is like two three no three years ago. And he he does this hobo stuff where he like blows his nose in the shower with me snot rockets and he washes his asshole and he spreads his butt cheeks and the water goes down. It's so vile. It's so vile. And then at one point he he likes to pee on me while making eye contact. He will.

That's some Khalil shit right there. Like he'll smile at me and then I'll feel the warmth on my leg and help pee on me. And then the one time he did this in that shower piss. It smelled like somebody dumped just a pot of coffee in the shower. I was like dude did you even drink water. Like it was such a it smelled just like freshly brewed coffee. Can I ask in the when he pees on you in the shower.

Yeah. Is it like is it front for like you're facing each other. Yeah. And he pretends like he's not. So he it's like you know we're making eye contact. And then we're I'm like yeah you think later and then as I'm talking to you. It's a trick. I'll start peeing.

I like that. Yeah. It's a neat trick. I'm not a fan like when my wife's like I like to shower with you. I'm like I don't like that. No men don't you guys get screwed because we're cold. And I'm like I don't I don't like you like it's 120 degree water. Do you want to like it tone this down a little bit.

Yeah. But it's either scalding or freezing. Do you see the eye roll of contempt. That's an indicator of divorce when people eye roll contempt. She's been saying this for only 10 years. It's a study they did on. What is it. It's a study they did on couples.

If you roll your eyes. Eye rolling is a sign of contempt. That that's contempt and she's like and that is a sign for divorce. And then she'll just turn. I've been rolling my eyes at my wife for years. Yeah. Yeah. Me too.

We'll see how that goes. I think I think we negated the study. OK. You don't know yet. Rolling with it's funny to me that you think the rolling the eyes leaves the divorce but not him peeing on you. No that's intimacy. Yeah.

That's a sign of love. If Tom stopped peeing on me. Let me tell you this Josh. But I have one more question by the way. Sure go ahead. Do you have a problem with how he washes his asshole or. Yeah it's the it's the it was a theatrics of like I spreading my cheeks and the water goes into it like I know you're not doing that alone.

You're doing this for my benefit because when you are alone is that how you shower. I probably I'd probably turn it up a little bit for you. Yeah it's the performative aspect too. Can I add something to it that I have a friend with a wife he and his wife she was like she's the shower with him and this is how he got her to stop. He had an asshole bar of soap that he would shove into his asshole and sit there and look at her and then just drop it out. Whoa.

And he was like this is how I wash my asshole. Do you have a problem with that. She was like I'm not sure. That's a good move. Yeah so she and he would I contact the whole time he would be like whoop. Now I do shove a bar of soap kind of like not quite inside my asshole definitely on and around my asshole and then I'll use that same bar of soap all over my body. Me too.

It doesn't bother me. But do you go asshole first. I mean I don't even think about it. I don't think about it. I don't know where it is. And we use our hands. We don't use washcloths. Are you a washclother.

You know what's funny I'm a washcloth for my underarms but not my asshole. Oh did you grow up in poverty. I did. Okay so that makes sense. Washcloths. Yeah yeah yeah. Did you not did you guys grow up with money. No but we did not use washcloths.

No because like every everybody who has like almost pretty much brought up washcloths grew up at least I don't know underprivileged that I've that I talked to. But it's so much more work to watch. And it is effective. Here's the thing. It is effective. Yeah. Make a joke about it.

But I have found that it's like this bizarre socioeconomic you know indicator. We definitely had washcloths. We definitely had the potato chips that just said chips. Yeah. Like we had all that you know we didn't have a car for a little most of my child. Oh there you go. Yeah yeah yeah.

What city did you live in. I grew up in Amherst mass which is like West Western mass. We just didn't have you know it's crazy. I think part of it because social media and you know everything's in your face all the time but I don't know that I knew we didn't have money. No. I mean I knew we didn't have money but I was never I wasn't looking at all the people's lives.

You don't know for a while. Like when I was a little kid and up until you know I was eight or nine we didn't have money. Like my dad had a corporate job but wasn't making good money. And I didn't know that we didn't have money until later on when he was earning more. And I was like oh we were like oh you guys were like getting by back then. I didn't realize it. You don't know when you're because when you're six seven eight nine years old it's about having you know playing with your siblings and your friends and like you don't care

what it says on the jacket. You're just like it's cold. Do I have a jacket. You're not like what brand is this jacket. You know that stuff usually comes in your teens I think where you're like what's the label. Oh sixth grade and is it. Yeah sixth grade is a big one. Are they.

But like third and fourth grade. Gas jeans I love it. Third and fourth grade you don't. Never had gas jeans. Come on. Well you know when my so I when I was single raising the three kids you know I lived in a in one room in Hollywood. I made $1,200 a month.

Oh my god. So you think about how much you can get for $1,200 a month. Fuck. Right. And so we. What was your rent. I was living in one room and my brother had the other room and he paid the lion's share of that. Wow.

And I'll tell you so my oldest old and they didn't know they didn't have money either. Because you're right when you're that age it's about having fun. And so I knew I couldn't take them to like a Six Flags or anything. So their favorite thing to do was I would put them in the trunk of my car and drive them around empty parking lots. And it was their roller coaster. So it was fun. It was like it was like because it was dark and I would go over speed bumps and shit.

It's fun though. But it's that's the kind of shit you make do with what you got. When you have no money. Like we have no money. We have washcloths guys. Yeah. What do you want to do with these. My when my oldest son was seven.

He said to me he goes because we lived in one room. So he was like I would like to have my own room. I go well this is the only room we have. He goes I understand that I'm wondering if I can sleep in the closet. And I was like what. And he's like can I clear out your shoes and sleep in the closet. And I'll just sleep in here. It'll be like my room.

And I was like how was it when he does this. Probably seven. Wow. And I was like yeah that's fine. And he goes OK. And I was like but just you have to promise me when you go to school. Don't don't tell your teachers you're sleeping in the closet. Because they're going to come get you.

Like yeah they're not going to be psyched about that story. And then my daughter was like I want my own room too. And I was like I don't have. And she said can I sleep under the bed. I'm like yep. So I had one in the closet. I had one in the bed. And my youngest son I was like where are you going dude.

Like I would love this. Everybody was happy to have their space. Everybody has their own space. I tell people how I grew up. My mom and I just had like a small shitty apartment. We lived in an apartment complex. Like a two bedroom apartment. And I told my friends this and they're like that is so depressing.

I'm like it wasn't though because you don't even realize what you don't have. And you know what's your pleasures back then. Like a cookie was the best thing that could happen to you. And pre this you didn't know how other people were living. You didn't know you were really missing out on anything. Now you're very well aware. Now you see like is that 15 year old. Does he make 25 million a year because he unpacks things on YouTube.

So depressed he does. That is the that little Asian kid who makes unboxing or whatever. I think his name is Ryan. He makes something crazy like 25 million a year. And you're like what is your skill bro. He's like I get these toys man. Yeah and what do you do. I open and then what do you do.

I tell you if I like him or not. I'm like that's my people love to watch me do that. So you know who's the happiest. His parents were like we don't have to have a job ever. They're done again. Yeah ever again. If you say one of your kids wanted to get into the business. I know I had that rule with my daughter who desperately wanted to.

And I was like you can get into it when you're 18. But I can't have you. I can't have you. I can't have you hear the word no about you know what I mean. Can you. That's the thing that I my first rule would be do not use my last name because I don't want to be associated with how much you suck at this. Yeah exactly.

And let me tell you how you get ahead. I got a reputation to uphold. Yeah. I can't have you fucking that up. Fuck it up people hear your last name. They go I saw a sugar and then they saw your shit act the fuck out of here. Could you imagine. Yeah you can't get it to stand up.

What if you suck. No way if you suck. You know traumatized you have to be to be a stand up comic. It's like the crazy. You have to really. Yeah no they're not going to do that. I don't know they're way too privileged. They're way more privileged than I was.

At best they could be comedy. I would I wouldn't mind them being comedy writers. Yeah. That's way less abusive. Yeah. Like being in a writer's room and pitching bits and stuff. I'll be fine. You know what I'm going to be like.

You know what's cool buddy. Science. OK. Go fucking. Hang on. Math is cool. I wish we could make math cool. By the way I never thought you could make chess cool until I started

watching Queens Gambit. I just referenced that before you got here. It's awesome. Have you by the way. Do you know best show. Best show on TV. Have you seen her speak Spanish. No.

She was perfect. Her. She does. She was raised in Argentina. She's great. She speaks like. This show is fantastic. Perfect for the Spanish.

Have you watched any of it. No. I just saw a show on TV. I just got into it when he was in Alabama. So he hasn't. Oh my. Yeah. What a great show.

She speaks fluent Spanish. Like perfect. The thing is you don't have to understand chess. It's really not about chess. It's about this journey that this girl goes on. Through the game of chess. How it's changed her life and. I was on the chess team for a year.

No you were not. So I was. I was. Is there a ranking. Well here's the thing. What the fuck are you talking about. I was on the chess team. So my dad you know my dad's a chess fanatic.

Yes I do. And he plays chess and has played my entire life. Taught me to play chess when I was a kid. I went to a middle school that had a chess team. I'm so dumb that I basically was like. Well my dad's really good at chess. I'm probably like I didn't make sense. Yeah.

I just knew how to play and the school that I was at. Had a reputation for being like really good at chess. So when you would say our school to somebody else that played chess they'd be like oh you must be like really good. And so I went to I don't know a few matches. I just got my fucking ass kicked on every single time I played. And people would be like oh you're like the guy that sucks at the good school.

Yeah. You're the shittiest guy on your team. You're the 12th man off the bench at the Bulls. Oh I think I am. Yeah yeah yeah. I would love like if we put. I would love to see how I would do a chess right now. I haven't played since I was.

Yeah. 10 really good players are unbelievable man. They are just you know they're they have so many reps. It's like an open micro versus a 20 year veteran or something. You know they have so many reps that it's like it's automatic how. Dude I can't even play checkers like. You have to be thinking too many moves. I don't have that.

My dad right now he's 72. He plays at one time. He might have like 25 30 games going and will like online and is just switching between and playing these different games. Is he still sharper than you mentally. No no not like not in conversation and like quickness but when it comes to like playing that game he'll also he'll play all those games. Then you'll have a board in the room that he's playing a game on

with somebody over a phone call and then he has a separate board that he might be like studying moves on. Like it's just he absolutely is obsessed with chess and has been mine like my entire life. And was he ever like disappointed because you didn't take up chess. I don't think so. He didn't he didn't I mean like we you know he was teaching me when I was a kid he had a brother who was much much like genius level smart like very very

you know went to Princeton at like 16 and and was a very very successful doctor. He died but he's obviously like he was smartest guy in the family and my dad would beat him at chess. So I think that was like a big boost. I gotta tell you morale 16 years old. There's some things like when when people go that sounds awesome like 16 years old in college sounds terrible.

Yeah those dudes who have two dicks. I know some people like that'd be great sounds terrible dicks sounds terrible just want one good dick. One one dick that I don't and by the way guys were like I would love a I don't want a huge dick. I want it to fit in my pants. Yeah I don't want it to be cumbersome like all of those things that people think sounds awesome.

Yeah see I think it's good to be just average or slightly above average in like one or two things and then even in the looks department you don't want to be too good looking. I agree just good looking and you know what you also want to be. You don't want to be the number one comedian of anything. You just want to be like you know top I'm in there in the top percentage yeah because number number one is the person that everybody dissects every line and every word and they're like you know checks it like and you're like that

that's way too many eyeballs because they're they're dissecting things that that person's been doing for 20 years but like now they've all of a sudden just started doing it now yeah and and it's it's completely unfair. It'd be better to be like the 15th best comedian with that. I've always said the best job in the world is the drummer for Pearl Jam right because nobody knows who if he walked in here right now I'd be like hey man can I get a water yeah I don't know who that dude is but he gets to play with Pearl Jam yeah it's great stadiums travel the

world but he could go to Ralph's and get dinner that's nobody knows who he is yeah I think right now I have to say my level of quote fame is the best because it literally it is like the Postmates guy is like Christina your mom's house I'll see you up in May or coming up in May like you know four strokes over like that's what's up or it's like it's always like the FedEx guy it's like the guy stocking cans of beer at the liquor stores whatever the fuck it's like normal people it's free french toast

once I went to a diner and they brought out like what's this they go big fan here's some free french toast yeah that's a fucking great level of free french toast free french toast fame is the perfect level so you tell me I'm walking to die hop and I'm walking out just the tip okay yeah yeah that's a good move and you know what else things like that I know this sounds stupid but free french toast makes you feel good you're like yeah you're like yeah not that you couldn't pay for the french toast but you're like that's sweet yeah it's a good feeling yeah I

um I had a guy this is I guess I was in Tennessee yesterday yeah because you live there now yeah I live there crazy and you love it should we live there too I I'm a different person I'm just moving there I had no idea I'll give you guys an idea of how kind of wrapped up hot chicken oh that hot chicken but yeah I gotta tell you I tried extra hot and I did something I've never done before I I poured a bowl of almond milk and I stuck my asshole on it it was so hot

I just needed this like you know milk cools it down yeah I just had all the milk so I poured a bowl on your be hold because it was so piping hot that I poured a little after I was having fun for anyone no you need a bidet I've gone to media a washlet I wanted to see what extra hot was like it was it was it hot on the way down though too in the mouth yeah too hot do you know like do you know you know those farts that um that that that it almost yeah and it almost feels like you're farting out like a hot razor blade yeah and you're like yeah

they make that like it was those dude I was talking about this the other day I've done you know hot ones the the the first week fissure Sean Evans hosts yeah with chicken wings I've done a couple I've done it a few times and one thing I was like thinking about the other day that when you're doing the show they give you um you know increasing levels of heat in the hot sauce on the wings and he asked you questions it's a brilliant concept and it's an app that he's done such a good job with that show but after like I was talking to somebody about it somebody told me they saw me

on hot ones and I go and they asked me because they they weren't familiar with the show and I go you know what you're making me think about right now is that on the show the effect of the hot sauce is great to watch on camera someone's sweating and they start like fighting I go but it's crazy to me that some people that hot sauce wasn't made for that show the hot sauce exists like the the top level ones and I go who enjoys that who enjoys the the level you know the level 10 stuff where you're like like you can't breathe but like someone thinks that

that's dressing up their food I mean it's so bad it kills every sensation in your mouth yeah and it's not like this is a little kick it's like someone lit fluid in your mouth tastes like anything right it's just at that point you're just in pain yeah I always thought also with that show by the way is that water mine yeah help yourself please I think I like to have so many because I drink so so much Tom doesn't really believe in that um I uh I I've always thought a great

after show would be them bringing a camera to your house the next day yeah and just maybe talk to you through the door be like what's going on in there you're right and you're like let me tell you but I'll say this it's I feel like on having done that show it's worse the eating is worse even worse than the way out really really yeah the last three are wait how many times have you done the show well I've done actual hot ones twice and I've done like they have a a companion show that also

had involved eating spicy stuff so I've done like I think I would do that show I think it's a blast is it so it's it's fun to do the show he's the best interviewer in the whole game I think like he's such a great interviewer but and it's fun like to be a part of that whole you know that that show what I'm saying is like those last three are so uncomfortable and so hot that I'm like aside from the like sort of the the part where you're watching somebody freak out yeah

um like this is also a product that's for sale who enjoys this yeah like it seems like a practical joke product exactly that's my point yeah yeah it's like there are so many then cheese do you do you like those last three once you hit a certain level of burn yeah does it burn more um kind of there so there's this one I think that's always like seven or eight called the bomb and I I've told them I was like I feel like it's it's seven or eight but I feel like it's worse than number 10

because the first one that goes from like it feels like a four to like a ten you're like oh my god what's that sensation like like what is it it's see I didn't realize how brilliant the concept was because what ends up happening is that you're so taken out of your like um you're so taken out of being in the moment of of conversation that you're you become extremely vulnerable it's like it's like you were given a drug or something and so that's what ends up happening is I ask you a question in that moment

your the answer is going to be like either like in super honest because you're not you're not putting your filters on because you're like you're like I can't I can't and it's like you know tell me who who's the most annoying person in your life and you're like my fucking son he's like you're not you're not thinking in terms of like oh I'll process this thought I'll I'll come up with something witty it's it's automatic because you're dealing with being so uncomfortable you know it's like a truth serum it's like a truth

serum and that's the brilliance of that of doing that to people what is one thing you said on there that you were like I can't believe I actually said that um something that I asked them to cut out oh really yeah so he got that where you were just like I can't believe I just said that out loud yeah yeah yeah that I only asked them I only asked them one one time everything else I've I've uh I've kept in there I mean yeah it gets you're so uncomfortable and here's the thing nothing can really put out that fire you know there's when you're out and you have

something kind of spicy at a restaurant you know you water milk or whatever when you hit that that real fire level in this thing you're I mean you're sweating you can't put out that heat you know you're just you actually want it just to be over so did anything work bread or milk or anything like that not really no not real I mean sounds like fun you know I did this um I want to do that show I do I think I actually think I do want to do it it's so fun it's so fun I mean I'm I'm telling you that moment's also passing

you know it doesn't stay hot in your mouth for 45 minutes in your be-hole it doesn't it doesn't hurt as bad on the way out it doesn't it really does tacos con toto hurt like a motherfucker on the way out that next day is it worse than your tacos con toto shit I by the way your chicken shit let's rank your let's rank your hot dumps I'm if you're trying to remember which it was I remember that like the chicken I remember that like immediately after I was like oh my stomach feels fucked up

yeah yeah eating but not for me tacos no the tacos were like they feel good but they're not good on the way out yeah that was you see that was actually much more food taco con toto was like a lot of food we were eating like whole like multiple tacos the the chicken there's 10 wings yeah and you don't have to like clean it you know some people do but they're small they're they're they're small wings so you can take a bite with the hot sauce and you're and like I said the first six don't don't aren't like really fucking you

okay so I need Claire I need an answer so Yana was it the chicken or the taco well the taco the taco dumps were much more uh substantive in volume they were there was there was more there's so much more that's the thing is that even the the spiciest chicken bite you have one bite of it right so it doesn't it doesn't wreck you on the way out so that he should force you to eat the entire chicken wing I think that should be the well I I did that for the fans I I know they respect it so I would clean my wings but some people some people

would do mini bites and then throw out the I would probably do a mini bite like a pussy I think I'd go all the way you gotta do it I'm also like you're a little guy you're skinny I mean I shape but I my you can eat I can eat one of those people dumps are yes so I did something to myself I didn't I accidentally I haven't had beef because I just don't sleep well like I'm at that age where I get meat sweats really yeah man where I'm like you know I'm I get old man meat sweats so I'm like I'm not doing red meat anymore

but the other night I ordered some wonton soup and I drank the broth and I was like oh no I think that's beef broth because it tasted so good yeah let me tell you what came because I haven't had beef in probably gotta go three years damn really what came out of me was like so much that solid or no no do you know when you know when you when it's not solid but it still comes out of the water because it's that much yeah like you made like a so much of a pile yeah yeah that that was like it was to the

point where my wife you know when your wife is like you okay yeah one of those knocks every time yeah yeah she yeah his grounds are ungodly are they are they always bad no matter what they sound bad all the time are do you poop in public if you have to yeah yeah and by the way like a year and a half ago I started I'm gonna shit on a plane right now no I used to like be like you know yeah no matter what now now I'll board and I'll be like oh I'm gonna shit

in about 15 minutes no it's I mean it sucks I don't I don't want to do it but I've accepted that like you don't shit in the airport sometimes but I don't I can't like sometimes the timing just isn't right you know yeah so I mean I should on a flight uh three or four days ago yeah and it was a small regional flight oh so I walked out everyone's like no hi just took a dump huh yeah I was like yeah have you ever been on a plane where the captain had to say whoever's in the bathroom you got to come out now

we're landing I was on a plane where a guy was in the bathroom as we were on the approach and they were like sir sir sir and I'm and I had a seat near the bathroom uh and they were knocking knocking and he opened the door and it was an older Asian man and they're like you need to sit down and he I put together that this man doesn't speak English so they're like sit down he starts going back in the bathroom and they're like no not in there you need

to sit in your seat and so they're grabbing him he's old he was in his like 70s you know and they're like and he and they go you need to sit and put on your seatbelt and he like would come out and then he would back into the bathroom again and then they they finally get him out and they're like sit down he just stands in the aisle and they're like shouting and I'm like don't you understand that he doesn't understand you like that doesn't matter if you yell at him yeah and they finally like someone like shoved him into a seat and they're like put your

seatbelt on and he was just like what go back in the back like you thought they meant go to the bathroom again yeah he thought he was doing a good job they came knocking the door are you doing a good job in there he could it was it was yeah and I've I've also had a toilet on a smaller plane a toilet malfunction and they were like uh there's like 40 minutes left on this flight and the toilet is not working so yeah there I used to tour with Larry the cable guy and by the way a fantastic guy everybody says one of the most generous

likable dudes dan dan whitney yeah one of the nicest guys but you know and we used to fly private and so I know what makes me fart so anytime before flight I would always the night before load up on like dried apricots dried apricots to me oh because he hey because I would just torture him yeah there was one point where I was far he got he was starting to get and he doesn't get mad and he doesn't he he doesn't swear he'd be like oh dang it josh one time the pilots bust open the door and they were wearing their gas

for your farts I would have fired you so no he was like man you have got to stop farting on the plane I'm like I just can't you're a horrible person it's so much fun that's come on there's near the words there is little apricot farts are so dried apricot farts I know I love them and I don't eat them for that reason my wife won't let me buy them if I bring them in the house forget it she's like in the trash and my favorite are the trader joes traders Joe and they're very sour and I love the traders Joe kind I love not really put an accent on trader Joe's but not todo todo taco's come todo well that's because I say it

like an angeline yeah taco's come todo trade trade the trade but that's how my parents say trade there's Joe that's why they fucked up the um are we doing talks I know I was gonna say um I want stopping for talks you uh but you you told us before we you're loving Nashville oh my god I I feel like a different person this is what I was gonna tell you yes I hit almost peak COVID clarity you said I hit peak manic I'm gonna be an honest with you guys I hit peak manic right around the last time I was supposed to

be on this show this town started to drive me into comparing my life and my career to everybody around me and thinking that well I'm not it why aren't I in this group how come they're not letting me in this group how come I'm not how come they're not this almost like like why me why not me instead of looking and going that I'm this is actually pretty good I don't need to be around comparing myself to other people and but this town put me on the wheel every day yeah and um there was a point where I was like I gotta

get I gotta get myself in check and remember what's important and but I can't do that here in this town I just I just couldn't do it I could not as much as I tried I could not this I could not stop from getting up in the morning and going what don't I have right and that is so unhealthy and um so I like I was telling you guys I my voice is different on stage now it it's not there's not that tension I'm not I don't need to project I have a microphone

do you know what I mean yeah I don't know you're more you're more at peace grounded yeah centered um happy I don't care as much I'll go days without hopping on and posting on social media and I like I enjoy my friends more now because I'm not constantly thinking about something else what I haven't done that day what I didn't get what I need to do tomorrow I'm not constantly talking about the business it's just living like yeah do you know when you look at your friends from high school and you're like

they're just like they're living their life yeah deep yeah just like having fun right that's more what we're doing and that's what kind of life I mean should be in a way right because I think so you look people that like are not in entertainment that you know like like high school friends and you're like oh yeah that's that's life like this is what my kid did today this is where you know we're having fun we went to this park and you're like oh it's not always like who sold a show and yeah all of that stuff which is not important

right and which the rest of the country by the way now I kind of know why they look at the people in our business sometimes the way they do because they're like get over yourself oh yeah do you know what I mean yes get the fuck oh we're actually out here living our real lives yes and so it paints a much clear picture man I like myself so much more yeah that's great I like it's hard to sometimes and I was thinking about this in the plane right over and I didn't want to be the dude

honestly crying by myself in my seat but I was like I had so much anxiety coming back here because I'm like oh you've you should have left you knew you should have left five years ago right you knew you should have left five years ago and the peace and but first of all COVID saved my marriage quarantine saved my marriage and neither one of us knew this but you know I was traveling 42 weeks a year 44 weeks a year Jesus whoa and we had just started to think that was

normal and when I came when I came back over COVID those first couple weeks was like a vacation and we like we're together and then after that we were like oh is this you oh is this you like we had learned to live our lives so separately that about a month in I was like we were apart we weren't married we were living apart and she was like yeah and I had started to think about life without you because life was without you and to be able to reconnect and realize that's

not how people are supposed to live if you're in a you know what I mean sure it's not how it's supposed to go down so it the quarantine did a lot for me personally to like I have apologized to a lot of people that they didn't know they were like you don't need to apologize for that I'm like yes I do because it wasn't like I was going to do it afterwards but I needed to apologize to you guys why because of the what I feel like the like the last time I was supposed to be on this show

I had started again gotten a little manic and I'd started to take everything personally and we're all living our lives you're good people we're not making decisions personally we're making this is just what we do you know what I mean and nothing should be and so I had started to make myself a victim all this shit just because I was like why not me why not me why not me and when you're like that and when you're desperate nothing comes to you right nobody wants to be around that

nobody wants to sit in front of you and talk with that energy or and so um even if my career shits the bed from here on out I'm so happy I left because I'm happy to who I am now I don't I was not happy before that's great that's huge it's that's great I yeah I think honestly like I was um we did a show in Nashville and um a guy there who's seen me a bunch of times every time I come through he was like you're so different this time I go what do you mean he was like you're so calm on stage

you're so just present like yeah you're not pacing you're not you're just standing or sitting or what is it I go I just feel like myself that's so that's everything yeah and I I think you have a good point because this business it isn't just about being a performer there is a business side to all of this and it's so easy to get wrapped up in like yeah why don't I have that and so on and so on and all that takes the joy out of why you got into this you know just to make fart jokes and like yes and watch a person take a

shit on a windshield and like that that goofy person is the one who became a comic yeah and not the business and fun yeah not the stupidest shit that makes it unfun it's a very good move you made yeah I'm so happy for you good I appreciate that and I made a rule from here on out I just want to do things that are fun that I enjoy yes that I enjoy doing yeah I'll tell you like us doing these ymh live shows and I'm so glad for the the pandy to quote Santino um uh is because now does that

taste like anything it tastes like tuna I had a tuna salad before yeah does hers do her burps smell yeah are you as do you feel like you react to her burps the same way she reacts to yours or are you more accepting what a thought provoking are you more accepting is she more accepting of her of your burps than you are of hers I have more performative burps yeah and and honestly just more powerful I'd say stronger I give him the burp category you seem to draw yours out a little bit

yeah yeah he he I like I celebrate them I really do well and most body functions he goes like this he goes oh he loves to sneeze but you go me too yeah I play it up I do not understand yeah oh yeah and I'm like that felt good yeah Tom's burps are twofold he goes where you suck it in and then and then like that yeah I wish it's my it's the one body function yeah I don't think I do well with burps I'm a great sneezer I think as far as farts I'm in the one percent oh wow I I think I'm in the one percent I can make him

but I can also I have good asshole control so I can draw him out yeah you know make it sound like a car this time to start oh my god we got this uh it's exciting this guy it is I've never heard of anybody he goes by gas master this guy listen this this look on this screen right here control this guy well that's what I expect him to look like now mine would have started stopped like three seconds before but that's three seconds that's like my that's me too wow yeah yeah yeah well you're on that are you a vegetarian I am like 90% vegan that's why maybe so I'll eat meat like

once every other day yeah have you ever seen my mom fart no oh that's my mom yeah can I tell you what's the best about that she was so happy with herself yeah she was so happy for a moment and she was like she because here's the thing she stayed still she sat in the moment yeah my mom is not a standstill she's a walk fart walker yeah that's a different breed differently in different types of farters out there she's she's definitely yeah she that was I was so she was so happy with herself and you ruined it yeah you really magic is that I had my phone in my hand and press record at that at that very moment I'll

tell you that that fart was long enough where even if you didn't you could have gone into your I know gotten to tail I think so wow that was great I wish he had had her glasses on for the far we have an update from one of our like kind of big vines on the show yeah but in order to put it in context I need you to see who he is first before we play the update before we go I wanted to show you hi I'm looking for a white lady that's tattooed and dominant and be willing to put me in a dress and beat the shit out of me call me I'm the sissy of Fremont street sissy Gemini again you stupid white bitch that's what I'm looking for is a stupid tattooed white bitch that put me in a dress and beat the shit out of me call me he's the best yeah I like him so much

so I just wanted him to pan down oh man come on give me the hole he's put out a number of videos like we also um he's got a toddler body you can sing you can dance I mean this dude is multi-talented he's a sissy of Fremont so here is the update you ready for an update video from sissy of Fremont here he is hey if there's any white bitch out there you gotta be white because I don't like any other color because I'm white I'm a Gemini sissy with a little ebitty two itcher yeah just let me know where you are I won't let you know where I am but if you give me a number reply with your number and I might get

back to you and we can meet and uh you know and we can come over to my uh dumpy pad it's in the middle of Fremont shithole and you can give me a nice hand job I'm like itty bitty two itcher and I'll probably buy you a beer pack of smokes hey give me a holler you know what the kind of take from this everybody just wants the same thing you know yeah everybody's just looking for love that's a nice trade-off you stupid bitch yeah you stupid white bitch give me a handy I'll get you a pack of smokes and a beer and maybe he'll make that frog noise I think there was a time in college I may have taken up on that yeah for a free beer and a pack of smokes

I loved smoking especially if all you have to do is tug on a two incher big deal I mean it doesn't even count he's a nice guy and this dude doesn't seem like he's he's lasting for too long it doesn't seem like a 30 minute hand job at all right this guy's so thrilled to have human affection of any kind isn't your reach far enough over here on your mount house where you could find somebody or platform to give a hand job we basically just gave him a free commercial I mean isn't there anybody listening who's willing to go in and do the work in report back I gotta say though normally men what we try to do when we want sexual favors is we try to make it as appealing as possible I mean I would give him notes like maybe don't say you can come to my shithole apartment you know like most ladies are like how's the apartment is it nice and you're like no no it fucking sucks

yeah but like Tom whoever's giving him a hand job I know yeah that's the thing I don't think there she's like but what does your apartment look like like I don't think but but hold on is this part of a fetish that we're not oh sorry sorry Joel's gonna speak right now go ahead Joel you can't become who you were created to be always depending on somebody else you don't need that crutch start encouraging yourself god it's like all through the day I'm strong in the lord something good is going to happen to me god being for me is more than the world being against me

some of the things that's what he should say when he's jerking off I am for the lord that's not going to continue thanks Joel if god kept doing everything for us we wouldn't see the abundance all around all around you may wonder why certain things seem more difficult raising your children it's not as easy I have a question though about the sissy of fremont one more it's not gonna get hard till I'm ready to come I have a question about the sissy of fremont the first video he's looking for someone to beat him up yeah the second video

he's looking for a hand job but not he didn't mention getting beat up right so what what are we going for the thing is he's very inconsistent because like that first video he's he first petitions playing the submissive yes one I want a woman to beat the show of me and then he switches in the same video and goes you dumb white bitch which is a dominant thing which so it is kind of confusing his messaging is not yeah yeah there might be drugs or mental yeah yeah yeah well you think this dude is not mentally ill I don't know I don't know perfectly normal I I I think he's the sissy of fremont street yeah he's famous do you think that if we went to fremont

street and we were like do you know where sissy they would be like oh yeah if you ask if you ask 10 times someone will be like I don't think it's a good looking are you gonna give him a hand job sir I'm like yeah yeah yeah I gotta tell you yeah I would go and watch I would watch this guy do anything me too yeah he's riveting I would 100 watch I would pay a dumb white bitch to go do it that's what I'm saying isn't your reach long big enough where we can get somebody over there I think I'm you know this goddamn COVID I'm supposed to tour San Francisco and um but I mean it's not gonna be for a while are you not gonna get this dude a ticket I don't think he could put together going

Oh Hey the tickets at will call I don't think he'd be like I know how that works You got the will call I just want to see him get fucking dressed I know I mean I'm dying to know what this dude's wardrobe is because we haven't seen any of his yeah Hold on though. I'm trying to trying to put things together. So he's like come do come give me a hand job in my shithole I'll just give you a beer and a pack of smoke. Well, it's a good offer. Is it is the depravity? The hook do you know what I'm saying like is some girl out there grimy enough to be like yeah dog I want to get dirty. Is that the idea? I think it's one of two

I think there are people that would do that because of that grimy But I think there's also people like us who are like, yeah, I'll try I'll I'll go over there for that Just because it's gonna be funny free smokes. Yeah, I mean there's got there's a group of people like if there was a the female version of this and they were like come over For the laugh and the story If I'm not married you can do it. Yeah

Yeah, I mean because it's gonna be a great story and all I'm gonna all all my way over I'd just be saying well, this is gonna be my new closer. Yeah, dude. I mean, I'm gonna get the who's got that story. This guy The sissy of freemont frisky of freemont. Um, are you are you doing any more dates before the year? I'm actually in Omaha this weekend. Oh I think the shows are sold out Um And I'm got Let me think if I got anything else coming up. I got new years in Cincinnati. Nice. Wonderful. We got new years in Cincinnati

Good for you. Are you doing the funny bone in Omaha? Yes. Say what's up to Colleen? Colleen is the absolute Shouts out to Colleen the Colleen at the time. I was touring with my dog FIFO who's no longer with us She found a dog psychic To read FIFO because I had mentioned that FIF had anxiety Separation anxiety. Isn't that the sweetest thing? I mean, what woman does that the biggest racket in the world is dog How dare you? FIF was so much better after that the biggest Shut up. I mean, so if you were like, man, I don't know what to do for a living. Oh, you know, I'm gonna do I'm gonna I'm gonna be a dog. No, josh. It's real. Yeah

FIF told me it was all real like did he did she touch the dog like how did the We met at lunch and FIF sat on my lap And the lady looks it was so crazy I had the same reaction in five years And the lady looked at that Well, Colleen suggested it and I was like, what what can it hurt? This is the difference between broads broads and guys though If someone said to me, do you want somebody do you want somebody to read your I'll be like, no, I don't fucking What do you want to know what she said? Yeah. Okay. So she looked at FIFO deep into his eyes

And she said you were abused And FIF was like, well like he said one for no one for yes to for no no and she goes she goes I see a hairy guy Who masturbates in front of you a lot shut up And FIF was scarred by watching you masturbate. Do you masturbate in front of the dog? No I couldn't finish it. Probably came in dog's faces. No. Oh god It's a horrible woman I like to see that's where your line is. You didn't come on your dog. Fuck no

I loved FIFO though. He was the best man. He was the best dog rest in peace sweet FIF. Here he is right here That's him with six tits. Yeah, why does he have six titties? Somebody drew it. I love 16 FIFO. Yeah, that makes it Yeah, he was the greatest. Um, we had to shelter boy. I got we just got a dog We got him over quarantine and he came with nuts. Oh, that's special and they're not supposed to But um, my wife didn't she was like, I don't want you to cut him She loved him. She was like, they're so cute. She kept saying how come his nuts are better looking than yours? I'm like, are we? Because they're perfectly rounded. Yeah, they're so cute on little doggies. Yeah, and I've got a couple years on them

You know, they're not gonna look great when he's six years. Probably really hang mine. Do yeah, I got a little swing Yeah, yours are gonna be so low. No, but I don't have naturally like like I don't have especially low big hangers Like your dad Shafir does has big long it's a juicy Diaz has You know how long I've seen joey's nuts. I mean, did you think there's something going on when you first saw them? The first time I saw him was in the 90s in seattle And he brought him on on stage and I was like Are those like okay? Yeah, I was like are those your nuts and somebody else's nuts?

Like are you carrying two sets of nuts in there? Even at that time, they they they were and that's like 25 years ago crazy But I remember, you know when I met him. He was 215 pounds. Wow. He wore a three-piece suit on stage Oh My god. Yeah, I mean I started with him and Brody. Yeah I just thought about him this morning when I woke up Christina. I was there the night He walked off stage and you know, nobody bombed like Brody Yeah

And even back then and he walked up to me. He goes Steve Brody isn't funny And I go, yeah, you're funny. He goes. No, you know who's funny I said who he goes Brody Steven And I said who's that and he said you'll see and he came back the next day as the person you know Wow Wow, it was the craziest Thing wait me like he didn't do like the drum stuff like he just one day became Brody and he started doing drums He was Steven Brody. So I

Yeah, he took the day. I always called him Steve. Yeah, yeah Because that's how I knew him but he changed his name and his persona Yeah In a night and I was like, wow. Yeah, that's either genius or insane. Yeah, a little bit of both. Yeah. Yeah takes a little bit All right, we got to run our closing song where where's the body's garth by fart simpson and dupree Um, where should people where do you like to send people most to to see you and find your stuff? Uh, you know for tour dates is comedian joshwilf.com But I'm at joshwilf comedy on all socials and like uh, if you go to my facebook fan page

I do two live streams every week one on monday night, which is tonight I do something called the high live where I smoke weed and take mushrooms and turn on my camera And just do just do really weird shit. I drop it's a bizarre show and then on tuesday nights. I do uh, it's like a Comedy game show sick. There's been on there a bunch of times. It's called controlled chaos. It's just weird fun Half an hour of ridiculous both on my facebook fan page. Nice. Perfect. All right. So nice to see you and i'm so happy for coming in And i'm happy you're happy too, man. It's great. That's awesome. Yeah, I appreciate it. All right. Uh, thank you for our simpson and dupree here is the jam Garth brooks kidnap terror

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