Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 584 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

Become a paid channel member of YMH to experience an AD-FREE version of the show here : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYIgiXwJck_Pb5Nj-wIrsqg/join SPONSORS: - Go to https://BlueChew.com and get your first order free with code YMH. Just pay $5 shipping. - Turn your “Goodbye” into someone else's “Hello” with Mercari. Start buying and selling when you download today from the App Stores or at https://Mercari.com. - Go to https://ForHims.com/mom and get your first visit absolutely free -If you’re a homeowner, make 2021 the year you save up to $1,055 by simply re-shopping your home and auto insurance when you go to https://Policygenius.com What up YMH Fam??? It's been a crazy month in a crazy year, but we have a miracle: Tom Segura is back in studio! Where's Christina? Tom will update you on EVERYTHING. We know we have new fans that absolutely loved Top Dog from the live show, so we decided to walk you through some of the all time best calls with Tom's dad in recorded podcast history... warning, lots of brown talk ahead! From the Orlando Airport story, to analyzing your farts, to absolutely loving lame street jokes, Top Dog is just simply the best.

At this rate anything's possible. What if you get shot Rob beaten stabbed? I don't know you know boy. You're really putting it out Well something terrible like that happens and then we'll show my murder video at the next no I've changed What do you mean? and Welcome Sure did Oh Maybe you heard maybe you heard I had a little I had a little spill. Hi

I'm back in studio. It's good to be back And the seat next to me is empty this time last week. She was here. I was gone. I'm here. She's gone It's a fun game that we're playing these days. If you didn't hear I had suffered a horrific Basketball related injury that we have in 4k and multiple camera angles That we're debuting on our New Year's Eve live show two bears live Bert Kreischer and I are going to be doing it together We're gonna review all the footage because we played together that day with Tristan Jass and Yeah, it's gonna be the first time I've seen it and I I showed it to a trauma surgeon and he went he was like, oh, I don't want to see that again

I was like what? It's like this is what you deal with. He was like, that's terrible man. That's terrible like what? so Yeah, my injuries Torn patella tendon broken snapped in half humorous Big bone up here and I bruised my radial nerve. I didn't damage it. I didn't sever it

I bruised it, which is why I have the hi Cool glove on And that the fun thing about a bruised radial nerve if you don't know it controls, you know wrist flexion and Finger extensions and movements numbness So I'm like so what's like, you know the forecast here and they go well Your new your nerves will just regenerate and it'll just come on because you didn't you didn't damage it I go I go well how long and they go well the fastest we've ever seen it happen is three weeks. I guess not that bad Like I was the longest you've seen it happen. They go 21 months

Cool that's kind of a big range You know talking about three weeks or two years and they're like yeah They'll just have to wait and see and they go it's not gonna take that long for you I go well how long you think they'll take and they go months All right, cool man cool cool cool cool cool Yeah, so Let me see here my computer's a little All right. Yeah, it always says

Do you want to run this update and I always say tomorrow I assume that's what everybody does yeah run the update tomorrow That's the right move so Why am I here Christina's not here? So I went from Hospital to home to another hospital and then when I left the hospital after my Surgeries after they put me back together. They're like you can't go home. You're too immobile and You need to recover more so I went to a rehab rehab and recovery center, you know that has like

Machines and therapists everything Stayed there for a few weeks to try to get better That's where I was when I zoomed in on the last episode Wasn't feeling well when I for a couple days, you know, but I was also coming off oxys and a lot of tears Wouldn't expect in that. Yep. That's crying a lot So when I left there I went home and As soon as I got home, I was like I hadn't been home. I got injured December 1st. I get home. Oh My god, it's December

What was it? I can actually tell you Because it was pretty close. It was pretty close to To Christmas, I think yeah, I went home the 19th Right. Yeah, the 19th. I go home. I'd been home since the first As soon as I get home, I get a notification that I'm COVID positive So I Brought that home, which was is a cool feeling and then I Was lucky my my symptoms weren't that bad, you know, I mean I didn't feel good

But I felt Worse before I got home. So at the time I got home. I was like, oh, I don't feel that bad and they're like, yeah But you know why you felt kind of shitty COVID My symptoms were like diarrhea Aki fatigue I was tired That was it. That was it for me. I brought it home. I gave it to Christina and

Her symptoms were even more mild than mine. So she had I don't know Loss of smell she was kind of kind of tired one day. That was it That was it for her So I had to I waited out my My my from when my symptoms onset I waited What is it 14 15 days now I Got a negative test result

Yesterday, so I was able to come in waiting that period of time She's still in her window because she got it after I initially did so that's why she's not here And that's that What a great month now We have some special Jesus Christ we have some special stuff planned for today We're going to go over some of the all-time greatest top dog calls

Some of them are so far in the archives that they're audio only A number of them this before we were shooting with video One of them the first one I want to start with is a legendary call That That Really opened people's eyes to who my dad is and what's important to him Um, I don't remember. Do you the dog when when did you listen to the show back that far back or no? I think I started listening to you guys

I want to say mid 200s. Oh, so this is way before. Yeah, like this was always something that I've heard referenced But I didn't hear it when it first came Orlando Orlando airport the Orlando airport Dude, we've had djs named themselves after this incident dj Orlando airport. Yeah. Yeah, I I remember bits of this story but That's you know I don't remember the call like this call. So this should be fun. By the way, did you miss me? Were you worried about me? Dude, it's been such a crazy month. It has been right. It's just been one thing after another

I thought you breaking half your body was going to be the only bad thing We needed to figure out. I know and then it just kept on piling on It's a wild month, man You know the thing that like people will keep asking because they'll be like Hey, man, you know, it's not that big a deal. You know, like you break your shit and you get and you heal and you're like, yeah Yeah, yeah, it isn't that big of a deal. You're right the thing is that When you have something like this you realize that it just

It takes hold of your time in a way that then fucks with everybody else's time. You know, that's the part that's like the uh the burden Because like for the first few weeks, you're like, oh, I'm not in charge of anything Like people are just telling me snow. Just sit here And like and then I mean you need assistance to like fucking turn the air conditioning down, you know like crazy shit like that and then you're like You know at most you can handle is like an email

Or a phone call for a few minutes, but then you're like, you know So then I don't have my own time Then other people who's who rely on me for time are like, well, you're not available and that's the part that's like a burden You know, right? Yeah, I mean, I remember there were so many different situations where we're like Okay, we're gonna set up a zoom station for you in this location And then like I think we've we packed and unpacked the same box maybe five different times Yeah, and then we just kept on realizing like, oh, yeah, this isn't possible or like, oh, yeah

We can't really do that feasibly in this type of scenario. It's just It's so great to have you back though. Thanks buddy. Yeah, it's uh This is the first time I've actually seen you since december 1st. It is. Yeah, and we were here december 1st And I when we recorded the end of the year episode That's right. And I also jumped in the lobby. I remember that and I you yeah, you you uh, we I remember we We were discussing the bet Yeah, we were discussing bets on whether or not you'd be able to do something or not And then you were like fuck all y'all and then you you you bounced one of the ceiling towels and you're like and it's gonna stay like that

Yep And then we got the call later that night smart guy Okay Should we uh, should we start with the uh, the first one? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. All right. So this is from episode 45 Of your mom's house. This is my dad with the Orlando shit story This will be a rush down memory lane for me too because I do not remember how this played out really at all

I Had all day you have one of those days where you just fart all day you just can't yes Yes, I've had days like that. Don't you love how sincere he is. He's so sincere. He's he's like I have had days like that buddy I do know that Yeah, oh I had you know I had one and you know, I had you turn that down. He turned on the oh, yeah This is my life by the way with my father every phone call Every time I ever or even if he calls me

There's a full volume television in the background and I go, can you please? Turn that down every time. What's he watching american idols? It's always whatever. It's news. It's again. He's like, oh, yeah Hold on second buddy. Yeah, always. Yeah, I went to john the other day And I had like three false alarms. I thought I was gonna do you know Do a dump and what I had was These big kind of like gas bombs He went to john's to the john

Yeah, yeah, nothing came out Kind of relieving but disappointing at the same time, right? Yeah, you know as much as I enjoy taking a shit Which I really do You know, it's it's in my age. It's almost like a sexual experience um And then you have There you go. Oh shoot Right now that was him expressing. Oh shoot is the expressing

Disappointment that he didn't I didn't realize it right then actually in conversation I thought he was saying oh shoot in the moment About something that just happened. Yeah, me too that no he was actually saying like, you know When you go to just to take a shit and nothing comes out you go. Oh shoot I think he's right about that old guy thing. That's what my father was saying. Yeah, you gotta take a good shit You gotta take a piss. It's wonderful. I'm like, all right. Yes guys fucking really Because you know what I think the older you get you realize Some of the best things are the simple things that we all do

Cleaning your ears out. Oh, that feels so good, right? Uh getting a dry bug. I love it Dragging it out flicking it. You're just thankful to be able to take a shit. Yeah, and I'm a shit is such a relief And you're like, oh man, it's the best dude And then you have There you go. Oh shoot So you know and then you come back and all of a sudden you feel that urge again And you know and you head down the hall and you And then of course, you hope nobody's in the other stall there, but

Had a I had did the day I had like three false alarms I hate that. I um, I you know, I had I couldn't I hate shitting on a plane. I had to sit on a plane today Oh, I hate shitting on planes He's doesn't he's really on board with this idea too. I love it. I love it. Yeah, I do. I don't know what it is It's the confinement Yeah, the confinement and they really don't have very good. Let's face it the toilet paper on planes is Not really It's not big league stuff

Yeah, you know, you almost feel like making your your own role in your carry-on luggage And going up in there and using some of that good sherman He's got a point he's got a real good point man, and I and I would not be so I hope you guys start Bringing that good sherman as my dad says On flights with you pull that out pull out that roll and be like I'm gonna take a shit and you can Hope they'll let you know but he could tell you no no What they'll what will happen is some people will see you leaving the bathroom And they'll be like you just take that toilet paper out of the bathroom and you'll be like no, this is my own

I brought this it's like it's like when we bring I just farted It's like when we bring tapatio to the taco stand And then the other patrons like can I borrow your tapatio and like fuck no no you cannot I brought this shit from home, bitch Fuck yourself. I like that. It is confining it. I've shit on a plane only once once Oh, really? I've done it a few times. Oh, it's so believe me. I only do it when there's no other option The worst is I'll tell you the worst planes of shit on are regional jets the tiny ones Oh, I did salt lake to denver. It's an hour flight So it's like I can hold us an hour, right? And then you get the realization. No

You can't it's one of those doors that barely shuts And like you pull your leg the accordion door Oh, it's the worst doesn't lock your knee hits the door. You're like fuck. I can barely fit in this thing Yeah, all right more top talk. He's so good Is that you like Nick Sherman? Well, I like I like the double ply shaman Yeah, you know because your fingers don't go through it like the camera with a single ply Yeah You know, so this way

Yeah, your Your finger doesn't go through the paper you're talking about on the double ply now. No, it's it you know So you don't have to worry about This way if you forget you wash your hands you really don't have to worry about it If you don't it's a single ply you really you know, you really kind of have to wash your hands That's such a time waster, right? He's really opposed to washing your hands Do you hate washing your hands after you take a sip? Well, I wash my hands if other people are in the restroom because I want to think I'm

You know Civilized yeah The long times I don't I'm in a hurry if I'm in a hurry I I don't I did today I think but not every time But um, what happened today when you were you said you went over the today or yesterday you went to that It was yesterday. It was yesterday. I don't know what if I ate something

But I was um You know, I was really gassy yesterday Right But what happened? I'm in this story. Well, you know, I'm sitting there all of a sudden I feel that I heard So I head down the hall Go in there, you know, drop my jars and waiting for Something and all of a sudden I thought you said that the bathroom was the door was locked. You had to go use another one That was uh, that was two days ago. Okay. This is my favorite part is that

He's got so many shit stories that he had told me one And then he's actually telling me another one and I have to actually put him back on track and blending together Yeah, I'm like, I thought you said he goes oh that was two days ago and there was a different story Look at you. Shit detective. Yeah getting your facts straight What's going on? Oh the two oh that was terrible. So I'm downstairs I'm running behind schedule in the morning And so all of a sudden I'm getting out of the car I feel the urge. I gotta take it down

I'm at my office, but I'm outside my office in the parking lot Okay Yeah, I gotta go so I'll make a beeline for the downstairs bathroom and somebody's it's a one staller you know handicapped of course stall and Somebody's in there Right when I but He's new panic

Well, I am sitting there squeezing my cheeks. Okay And it turned around and I have to take the elevator. I can't Walk up the stairs to the second floor because I'm afraid It might blast out. So I have to I'm getting in waiting for the elevator. Isn't this amazing. It's like your story of today Yes, it's like top dog and I are you have and the thing is you didn't hear this. No, the listeners don't know. No She had never heard this. This is my first time hearing this audio. Yeah, I had no idea No idea to send the content or anything. We're leading parallel lives right now Absolutely. See that's the thing is when the people that complain about brown. Let me tell you something brown is universal

It is everybody browns everybody browns. Yeah, I can't believe top dog has to clench his cheeks Do you think you fit because I pictured him physically using his hands? No, I've seen him. He waddles. He waddles like a penguin. He's like, oh, I gotta go. I gotta go That's what I do too. Oh, man. Oh, okay It might blast out. So I have to I'm getting in the waiting for the elevator squeezing my cheeks And then the elevator comes I open up that then you know go to the upstairs bathroom Which is a two two staller And I am squeezing as hard as I can but then you got to turn around

And do your belt and then you got the you know, when you get wears suit pants You got that other button in there and I just feel it start to come out Really it was coming out. Oh, yeah, and so I got those pants down sat on there and just bombs away. Okay And then then I get you know, I get out my toilet paper You know, you take the first wipe just to see how much is there how many And I said, oh god, this is going to be like a whole roll up to all the paper So it was it was a mess. Oh the mess. So I'm sitting there. I'm just not I mean, I'm I'm like my fourth wipe And I still got a long way to go

So then then I then I stood up and I went out I went out to the you know in the bathroom there and hit because I got my underwear down around my My ankles and I grabbed a couple you're walking you walk to the to the sink like that. Yeah, yeah, you know Do you understand what he did? Oh my god, you know what he did in the public restroom? Yeah He went from the stall Yeah With his pants and his underwear down to my ankles walked out to the sink to wet some paper Yeah, so somebody anybody could have walked in it was a two stall bathroom and seen my dad

Dickin balls out Underwear around his ankles just being like I'm just wetting some paper. I got a white got a real messy one here But for some reason if you walked in on top dog doing that, you'd be like, all right, man Now you'd get it. Yeah, you wouldn't even phase me. I'd be like, yeah Yeah, he's he's like real messy in here. Yeah, totally Because I needed to I hadn't finished cleaning. So I got a couple of those towels, you know those paper towels and I wetted them up And then I cleaned off

And then of course you want to make sure you had black underwear on you don't know if whether you got any This is so crazy. I'm just preparing you If you're like of you know An uneasy stomach if you can't handle Extremes real shit real talk real brown talk. You might want to shoot out with what he's about to say Hey You know stuff on your underwear Yeah, so I kind of I kind of bent over and sniffed my underwear and it was clean. So it was good to go

Sure, because I wanted to make sure if I got any I couldn't tell because it was black underwear on Oh my god Usually if it's white underwear, you can see what he's got something on it How often do you do that? How funny is my underwear Well, okay You know, I mean sometimes I forget which where because you know a lot of my underwear just kind of throw in the floor of the house Yeah, so, you know

Sometimes I mean I don't really do that very much I really don't do that very much because I had To a black underwear you can tell with white underwear whether you got Any, you know sunset in the pants I was speaking to that brown But yeah, but you can't this this is trouble with black underwear Yeah, so you know This was a big road that you let off so it sounds like oh, oh, yeah, it was it was it was breakfast now

What would have happened? What would have happened? Let's say you had gone to the second bathroom and the door was locked. What would have happened then? It could have been It could have been ugly You to see your pants. Oh, I think I think I don't think I could have held it. I think it would have been yeah It actually happened in the Orlando airport. What? You see your pants a little bit. Yeah That actually happened in the Orlando airport. Hey, you said it like a war story

Like in hanoi you was like, yeah, that actually has happened one time before the Orlando air And I go you see your panty goes a little bit. Yeah Okay, does your mom do his laundry? Um, yeah, dude. She has to see the she sees a lot of brown and yellow for sure Dude, that's so fucked up Yeah, I wonder she probably buys from the black ones because she's like I cannot look at your way Hey, you're brown. Yeah, I think it would have been Yeah

It actually happened in the Orlando airport. What? You see your pants a little bit. Yeah And then I had to get on the airplane, you know, I had to Where do you see your pants like well in the Orlando airport and so what I had to do Yeah, I had to take well, I mean I was You know just had to go or I couldn't get there in time That little bit so what I had to do in the in this stall. This is true. I mean I had to take my underwear off To clean up and I had to put that, you know, I so I had to fly with no underwear. Oh my god

Oh, I did had a little bit of a stain in my khaki But I had no one I could you know, I check my luggage So, you know I was thinking Thank the poor person that sat in my In my seat after I sat in it, you know, I had no idea what they were in for Oh God, I'm about to throw up

Uh, man. Yeah, I actually was like, hey, where's this Orlando airport story coming? I didn't realize it was at the tail end of that right, but yeah, that's that's quite the story dad um That's the famous You know, because now I remember he was telling the story about Shitting at the office and then it prompted the Orlando story from him Which leads us into the next episode actually Episode 46, uh, I've heard this story many times

um, if you talk about shitting with my dad, it's absolutely one of his favorite topics and If you are talking to a a shit expert like that and you happen to ask, hey, do you know the biggest shit you ever took with my father? The answer is immediate Miami Um, and it was on a family vacation. I remember that specifically and he must have told it um On this call. So it's uh, this one's is quicker. We can jump into it and see what uh What the details of the biggest shit he ever took

My In my seat after I sat in it You know, I had no idea what they were in for He was telling he was talking about when he the Orlando airport. Yeah, he shit himself at there and then he He didn't have any underwear and it still was on his pants. No Oh god Yeah, you got some really smelly dumps too, man Oh, but the all-time record

see This is the rise of the Orlando airport. I was just you know making the observation that he really does have some smelly dumps He goes into the fact. He just launches into a memory. Okay. I'll just let it play Oh, but the all-time record 1986 Miami, florida You were just a little kid then we were down there You remember this shit. Oh, yes, my all-time biggest one

He remembers it like a 1984 1986 We took the whole family. You were just a little kid three years old. Okay, by the way 1986 Three years old. He said I was I was born in 79 just giving you he's thinking of somebody else Heads up. I was seven. Can I tell you? Yeah before we go any further? Yeah, your father has told me this story Probably five times already. Has he really? Oh, I know. I know what he tells me this every time No, I'm not gonna give it away. It's fantastic. What in the fuck. He told you this five times the first time I met him He told me the story. He's the best. I know. That's why we're married

God, we took the whole family. You were just a little kid three years old seven We're driving. We ran in the car. We were down to bell harbor. We're staying there Miami beach and we were I don't know and I had to go and I still to this day remember that Remember that shit. Oh my god What was what did you eat? You think they should I think it was the fact that we were flying driving You know doing all the family meals on the road kind of stuff

sitting in the car You know, so it kind of just built up in there and then it just When it was time it was time Travel days do it. We know a truck. Yeah travel does that. You know, I mean, I'm just regular as clockwork. I mean when it was time It was time that's You know, he's an elegant way of putting that it is He recollected the story like it was a vietnam fondly very much. So yeah, me and the guys were in hanoi. Yeah

Yeah, travel does that. You know, I mean, I'm just regular as clockwork. I mean You know, I'm like an atomic clock in the morning. I'm gonna exactly 8 15 usually scared in the morning 8 15 Oh, yeah 8 15 Absolutely You seem pretty sure about that. Well, it is it's within really seriously It's without a minute or two every morning. You can set your watch by the time I go You're really good

So if I call you at 8 15 tomorrow tonight, can we have it a phone call while you're sitting? Oh, yeah, we could do that. I could give you a blow-by-blow White-by-white description Okay, all right dad, I gotta get ready man. I love you. I love you buddy. Bye Oh, he's so sweet. There you go There he is top dog Um, yeah pretty good

So yeah, two those are two of his his all-time classic stories the Orlando airport and the Miami record setting shit that he knows Happened in 1986 and he often fondly recalls. Was your dad liked that by chance? Was he did your dad tell shit stories? Um, he didn't really tell us stories of memorable shits No, but it was like kind of he did have an open door policy when he shot he did Like if you ever needed something from him, like it'd be like, uh, hey, where's dad? He's like, oh, he's in the bathroom. Go get go get what you need from him

Because he would take like hour-long shits hour long. It was just like that was just a part of his day I saw it would he would be in there a while Yeah, he'd be in there for a minute and then like if you need it like everyone was just used to the shit smell and it was bad Oh, yeah What I mean, I I think you'd always have a newspaper that was strategically placed and like you read the reading Yeah, the whole fucking thing. He's reading though. Yeah, and like you would try and like hide his Cockenballs from his kids, but I mean, I think we all kind of yeah could drop for memory at this point I wonder if that's just like a dad being like

This is the only escape I have left kind of thing You know what I mean for your dad to be like, I'm gonna be in here an hour Um, yeah, well, I mean, you know, he was raising he was a father of four kids. Yeah, I feel like that's what I'm saying That's like what it was. So then you guys would like knock on the door like hey dad Are you gonna take us to whatever? He's like when I'm done Right and like this was even before cell phones So he was he just had a newspaper to to entertain which I can't even fathom at this point

But I mean that just shows you how important that time was that's what I'm saying He's just doing it to like Have a space. Do you find yourself doing that too now that you have two kids? I mean, I definitely look at the time that I have to go as permission to escape. Yeah And like they're at the age, you know, sometimes they'll just Pound on the door or open the door and they're like, hey, and you're like, what dude? What? You know and they're so young. Oh, you let you let them in Well, I mean sometimes the incessant knocking you're like, what do you want?

Do you ever see the smell knock them back a little bit? Never never Doesn't really register Well, yeah, maybe they're not afraid of that smell yet. Maybe that smell just means dad to them now Yeah, they're young though a couple more years. They're gonna be like, uh, you know, but yeah, they're pretty young um We're jumping ahead here episode 225 This is

A conversation I've had with my dad many times And the fact that I got him to share it with an audience Is pretty spectacular. It's about the fact that he he he's always Very in tune with what his farts smell like And the reason is because he knows that they inform him about what's gonna happen next And and he must have shared it on this call. That's what it says in the description

So from episode 225, let's go right ahead Hey dad Hey buddy, how you doing? Good. How are you? Pretty good pretty good. Yeah Yeah What's uh, what's going on? Yeah well just had a My new favorite lunch now is this

seafood cob salad Okay Scott shrimp and crab meat spinach Spinach He's like breathing so hard into the phone Like it's such a this is such a noisy call. I'm already irritated. Go ahead But I like the not organic kind. Okay, non organic spinach. Not it. Yeah. Yeah. Why? Yeah Because the pesticides and chemicals help kill the bacteria that can normally come from

You realize this is his form of rebellion, right? Yeah, he's sticking it to the man Yeah, yeah, he loves that like people want organic. So he goes. I don't want organic. Yeah Keeping an old school. I like it. Oh boy organic. So I feel like it's safer to eat Stuff that's been treated with pesticides and it is not the equal line Now those chemicals kill a lot of the bacteria. So that's nice. I I go down the you know

I'm kind of built up an immunity for pesticides anyway, so I feel safer with Chemical yeah, that's great, dad It's good. That's really good You know and save money too because you know that organic shit costs Yeah, it's expensive and now when your sister comes home, of course you have you know The everything's organic in the house, but the grass. Okay, right? You know because she's into all that God

You know Like it's been like 10 years since I've It's the breathing the fucking breathing is making me insane I don't know if I can get through this call. We haven't even gotten to any of the uh face button mashings yet Remember that? Yes But the breathing used to really irritate me So my dad I used to call him at his office, you know when he was working And every time I'd be like, you know like hey dad he go

Yeah, and I go hey like after I go Do you mind not breathing into the phone? He goes it's how I breathe and I go But you're you know that you're breathing into the mouthpiece Like you hear it if you're talking on a phone Like a you know an office phone and you breathe Into the mouthpiece you hear the air. He's like, it's just how I breathe My god, dammit dude. All right, go ahead. Sorry Let me say it

A lot of heavy breathing going on then he kind of laughs at it here. Um What uh, so you told me last week that You farted on the way to work and then you knew what kind of shit you were gonna take I did you know if you get to know your farts over You know I mean if you think about how many shits I've taken in my life for talking You know well over a hundred thousand, okay, so you get to know Yeah

Well over a hundred thousand. I don't know about that Well, let's see here You take let me see how many days I've been alive here. Let me work this out That's a good point. Okay. So you figure a 365 times 67 I've been alive 24,455 days Yeah, and I probably you know kind of child of four shits a day probably that's a 97 000s. I'm probably coming up on my Yeah in the next year to my hundred thousand shit. Okay, I never thought about that. That's great. Okay

Yeah It's really excited about it Something looks forward to another milestone. Okay Okay, so but I can tell I can tell by The odor whether it's going to be a You know a brick Or it's going to be a sloppy joe. I can tell Wow

Yeah, and then how was it when you the other day when you said you farted in the car on the way to work It was it was a six. I knew it was going to be a six. You knew it was. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah How did you know? I just know that the you know the smell and I know Each level has its own unique You know, there's kind of a The higher you go up in there, but it's kind of a rancid smell when when they're more solid

I can't believe your mom lays this guy So intense of a more benign less Stinky smells that work too. Wanda doesn't smell much at all. It's probably going to be a one or two Sometimes a three. Okay. Okay, but when you get some ugly smells that you're up there in the You know six seven and eight range. There's no eight. You've created eight. It's five five. Well five six and seven range. Okay Yeah Okay, so I you know, I'm just I can just you know

It's like some people can You look at artists to draw you see how you do that and you just do they have a kind of a an art. I'm the same way Yeah, I can do it. Um, so the other thing is uh You called me and you said you had you're like, you know, I've been thinking about and I had no idea what you were going to say And you said I was thinking that morning shits don't smell as bad as shits during the day Oh, they don't they don't they absolutely do not but that's So your theory is that the morning shits

Is the least odorous of the shits that you could take during the day Absolutely positively. Yes but my whole thing is that like You could have some real fire before you go to bed, you know eat something Pretty intense that just cooks in you all night and then you could take a really stinky shit in the morning, right? Am I right about that? I I agree my I beg to differ with your father on this topic and I it's very controversial

But I have a feeling my morning dumps are the smelliest of the day I I because they've been festering inside of you all night. That's my that's why the logic. Yeah, no, I agree with you on this one, Tommy Hmm Well, I generally don't Eat something with fire before I go to bed. Well, I don't mean fire as in spice. I just mean that like yeah But I think it takes longer time remember Well, you had a dinner time that it takes a while depends on how fast your digestive process is but Uh, you know for the most part their stuff that's you know in the in the assembly line

Before you know if I had something late at night There's a lot of stuff that are coming to the end of the train station. See what I mean so I still Metaphor today. See what I mean When I talked about how you sitting in the first words out of your mouth is you know, I'm saying you know, I mean No, the hell we don't you ain't say anything yet I don't know what you're saying and I don't know what you mean. I don't know what you mean

Or or far talk popped up I still think that uh That probably wouldn't apply to me Okay, so you're saying for you Mornings are not as bad. Oh mornings are fairly benign. Yeah Yeah, you if I'm gonna go, you know, I'll have one uh, you know sometimes the

Early afternoon ones or sometimes the early evening ones too can be can be uh You know for some reason that that that's a period sometimes on I can you know The time that I farted in the movie theater the whole row behind me moved. I told you about that Yeah, yeah Um, I'm sure they just got up and left. Okay. It was dad He's so proud I've left I've left the movies with you before That's true. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that

Yeah, yeah, you looked at me. Yeah But you came back. You did come back after you know, yeah, I came back. I did come back I drove that night. So you came back I've left hotel rooms that you were in before Yes. Yes. I've seen you I've seen you go down to Downstairs to you know, whatever just kind of get the mirror outside and Yeah, but if you're in a good hotel that's got a good ventilation system that stuff clears out pretty fast I'm not true. Not with him. No way. Not with dad shits. No dad farts and dad shits are a whole other level

Dads are full of bad smells. There's dad mouth. All dad mouths are disgusting. Horrific dad farts linger dad shits Dude, my dad takes those morning dumps The whole fucking house smells like his shit. Yeah, it doesn't go away Cobas and beer beer coba sausage Uh rato tush I mean, that's a rancid shit. Yeah, of course. You can smell it probably wakes you up You're dead. Like what is that it would drift when I was in high school from under the bathroom I would smell it into my bedroom the waft the smell

Of course, dude. Dad dad's are the grossest human beings Oh, all right. Something to keep in mind Yeah, yeah I'm all excited about planning our trip to canada next summer This is a big thing. He's been on We're gonna do he wants to go on a fishing trip. Oh, yeah, where are you guys gonna go? I don't know Somewhere in canada. Yeah, that'll be fun. We'll have a good time. Yeah, you go up there and and uh That's way up there

But I figure if I don't do it now, we'll never do it. That's yeah, that's true So we'll definitely do that. We'll definitely do that and it's something that you know Uh, you know, we'll see some bears Mom to you. Mm-hmm, you know And uh, canada is a pretty country. Yeah. Yeah, it's beautiful. I love going up really it. It's it's a uh It's amazing how uh How attractive and diverse canada is some east and the west Hopefully when we're up in uh, canada, we'll see some roadbeave too. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely Absolutely, that'll be great buddy. Some canadian some canadian pussay Yeah You know, I haven't uh, you don't see a lot of blondes in canada though, do you? Um, yeah, you do. I mean You really I mean they have they have the full variety. Sure Yeah Oh, the gentleman prefers blondes. I see. I don't know. I guess so

I guess so Yep, like father like son not too many in vietnam when he was there must have been a dry Ah, it's not a fun time dry time for him. Now blondes over there. Shit, buddy By the way, this just reminds me So many people think it's I'm saying roadbeaf all the time. It's roadbeave be a v e beaver roadbeave And uh, not roadbeaf the funniest thing about the call and you saying roadbeave is I I could have sworn top dog Heard that and it didn't register

But he did he just tried to play it off right and then later on circles bag He's like, oh, yeah, I'd love to see some canadian blond. So it's like, oh, he read you a hundred percent Oh my god Unbelievable that guy really likes talking about shit if you haven't I mean it has since Infected me You know like I talk about it, but I think you can like if you were going to do a study On me and you're like, what's the origin? Why why is he like this? It's like

Look at look how he was raised You know, I'm just lucky that he wasn't like an abusive Ass what he's just wanted to talk about taking a dump all the time Um, all right. So now we're we're jumping a little further ahead into some video era stuff I don't know 3 39. This is the episode. We're going to jump into I'm guessing I'm probably 50 pounds heavier um

This episode had a call with my dad Where he talks about having a squirter and it gets on the bedspread because I as I recall He was just like I got some shit on my on the sheets on the bedspread. I was like, what? And then I want to say he's like, ah, you just Yeah, you just flip the The cover over and you don't have to worry about it. Like you don't want to get out of bed and like clean everything He's like, huh, right So here it is from episode 3 39

top dog and his shit the sheets Hello. Hey dad Hey buddy. Hey, how's it going man? Good and good. Hey, um, so I don't know. I didn't really get a chance to talk to you, but Saturday morning I was sitting in our kitchen and we're having a little breakfast and actually Christina went to Use the bathroom and while I was in the kitchen I went to fart and it was just all water that came out of me

Oh, shit that happened to me that night in bed in bed Yeah, didn't I tell you? No Oh, I I had a I had a squirter in bed and got on the the bedspread Wait, and I had to Oh, yeah, you know, wait a minute. Were you in bed like going ready to go to sleep? No, I was just laying and watching an afternoon TV show, you know, what were you wearing? I was kind of in a I had my boxers, but I was kind of a weird position. So my boxers were you know, and we're kind of open

Yeah, you know, yeah And it kind of some got on my underwear, but some squirted Oh my god, it's like a like a spray So did you I had five five or six spots on on the Bedspread so I had to take the bedspread off and put it in the wash Wait now how come you didn't think it's just a little bit of shit because one time you Just a miscalculation on my now wait, did you so you thought you were farting you thought it'd just be a fart Also, I was farting for sure. Did you did you push kind of aggressively?

No, no, that's what got me didn't it just kind of You know, I mean I knew it's you know, you kind of gave it that little last-minute nudge, you know Yeah, yeah, yeah How much was it because it sounds like sounds like a lot. Well, there's a lot more I didn't realize that that would seem like a little fart And you know had a lot more there, you know, yeah And this spotty, you know wasn't tons but it's body enough that I had to change my underwear and change the whole bedspread Yeah, so you had to go wash that bedspread

The whole thing. Yeah. Yeah Did you did you tell charl? Yeah, did you tell charl what happened? I didn't till the next day and then uh, oh she wanted to know what the bedspread was doing in the washing machine I said she told her what happened. She said, but did you clean the spots before you put it in? I said no Just put it in there. Oh, it'll get all over everything That's what the rinse cycle is. So wait, how did you tell her? How did you tell her what happened? Like, what's the way you tell her that? Um, oh by the way

I had uh A little bit of a thought I was farting and it kind of came blasting out So I got it on the bedspread and I had to wash the bedspread. What did she think about that? Well, you know, she doesn't really like to engage in these kind of conversations. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I mean So didn't you tell me I got That you had one the other day You said that like it really curled up into the toilet or something Well, I had I had the uh, it looked like a snake the other day. Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting

Yeah, I mean it looked it looked like a rattler with no rattler, you know Yeah, just kind of coiled up inside. I had one of those But let me tell you what happened today. I came back to the office Had a parked under a tree had a fart And then You know got out of the car set the door. Angie was off When I came back an hour and a half later the smell was still in the car. I couldn't believe it That is

Really? Well, you think You think about it. There's no You know, nothing no Eric can get in the car. So we kind of you trapped it. He trapped it. Yeah Yeah, it was trapped, you know, kind of settled in a little bit You know, it's like somebody smokes a cigarette in the car. Yeah, that's the door. You can tell they were smoking I think you have more intense farts than most people though Oh, I do. Yeah, I do and I've I've modified my diet lately You know, I've I'm on this eating fish every day kick shrimp and orange ruffy

Are trying to lose some weight and so I'm off the red meat Yeah, and of course that immediately immediately changed the texture And and the smell of my for everything changed. Yeah, I'm kind of surprised. I honestly that you watched The sheet only because You told me real clearly one time that you know, when you you sharded a little bit in your pants I said, don't you want to put those down? You said your quote was it's just a little bit of shit

Well, your mother has to sleep on the bed right there spot there. So you wouldn't I mean, I could if you were alone You wouldn't have watched it I just would have folded the bed spread over covered it up. Okay This way nobody could tell okay. Yeah, because you have also You have like the uh If you're gonna work out you have kind of that underwear policy where even if it has a little brown streak You can you can put them inside out, right? Yeah, well, I do that. Yeah. Yeah, sure

Do you think that's kind of gross? Well, no, because I'm an environmentalist. I'm trying to you know Trying to save on water, you know, because I saw a chocolate stain on one and you just put them inside out That's true. That's driven on that before. Yeah, because I'm too lazy to just get it Besides, you know, when you go to the gym, it's gonna get Dirty and everything so the house will just go all the way Do you know what level of barbarian you are for doing that like that is really Really horrendous charo? No. No. Does charo. No, you do that

No, no, no No, no, there there's certain there's certain things You know this business where you need to tell your wife You know, we're in love. We're gonna share everything with each other. Yeah, some things guys Just don't want to share with women and it's not about other women. What do you tell you? Yeah, I mean, I gotta say though Nothing excites me more than the possibility of mom hearing that story Just to see

Her level of disgust would be hilarious. It would be amazing Really amazing. No, she she'll say something. She actually said one time. I don't know where I met you That's hilarious, man. Um, do you remember your uh, your movie theater fart? Oh, it was one of my proudest moments. Was that you think a meat related fart? You know, I think it was just eating a lot of stuff probably I think it was a holiday part because Yeah, those are real a lot of holiday food and in the people if in the amc theater People sitting right behind me or let one go. I mean they picked up

And moved Five seats over. Yeah, no, Katie. It's not exaggerating Not exaggerating You know, yeah, that's uh, you know, kind of gave kind of gave it that you know a little Another notch of my belt look, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, it was it was really something. Well, look that um, I'll give you a call a little bit later. Okay Okay, buddy. You take care. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye Well, there you go. Sometimes you shit the sheets. What are you gonna do? Um

Yeah, I mean and by the way, we're skipping multiple episodes as we do this. There's just too many Um Of my dad and they're almost all about shitting. Um This is this has my other favorite lane of my dad, which which is him laughing at like street jokes And we discovered this that he really really I mean, I I remember this as a kid and then I think as an adult to process it was ridiculous, but

The way he laughs at blonde jokes and polar and he thinks like those old school jokes are just The best one time I went to lunch with him in an old front like so my dad's now 72 73 This but this would have been when he was like, let's say I don't know 67 and this guy was like 85 And we sit down for lunch and the guy starts telling me these like joke book jokes He's like 85 years old

So i'm doing like polite Laughter and stuff and he's like, let's hear some of yours And I go, what do you mean? He's like, let's hear your jokes like that and I go. Oh, no, I don't I don't have like You know, how many Pollocks does it take? And he was like, what do you do? I

He was like your dad said you're a comedian. I was like, well, yeah, but do you think that Comedians do that and he's like, yeah I was like, uh, I I could I he literally was like, I don't understand what you do though Um, but that my dad just loves the blonde jokes dumb blonde jokes. Oh man And if you see him and you bring it up, he'll tell you the same three over and over and over And so this call we get some some jokes and uh, also Uh, we get a little war talk

A little top dog war talk, which is his other favorite lane. Let's uh, yeah, let's get into it episode 358 Hello, Charo Yes Hi, it's your son This is the funny thing Your father was going to answer said Tom. I want to block that call. So let me answer I used to sell but And it's because it's a two one two one

I almost block you. Oh, thank you. I'm glad you didn't Hey, can you uh, turn down that tv for a second daddy? Can you turn on your tv? All right. Hey, I need to ask dad something real quick. Can can you pass in the phone? Do you mind? Okay, hold on. Okay. Thanks So loud. Why is it so loud? Hey, buddy. Hey, what's up dad? I'll just sit there watching the olympics. Yeah, good time. I'm fun. Oh, yeah, it's amazing how uh How great the americans are doing and how poorly the chinese are doing relative to uh Population. Yeah Well, but you know, they did pretty good chinese did really well in there when they had the olympics there, but

You know, uh, I haven't seen my cheaters is what you're saying, right? Well, you know, I think that the The cheaters really turned out to be uh The russians, you know, they banned a hundred and some odd russians Yeah, the entire weightlifting team And all but I think uh Water to

Track and field people. Wow. That's pretty significant. Hey, um, how many people you think you killed overall? Well, uh You know, I'm not really sure. I mean that was, uh, Not really sure. Do you have a guess like a rough estimate? Well, probably three Really? What? Really? Maybe. That's maybe. Why not more? Maybe

Well, officers do most of the, um You know, you do you you basically control the artillery and stuff and so sometimes Uh, you know and your troops do most of the shooting But when you've talked about you said it's like a euphoric feeling like the best thing is killing the enemy you experienced that firsthand Well You know, I I don't like to You know, that's not something that that I really Whatever want to talk about publicly. Okay. Well, let me ask you this you like jokes

Right. I love jokes. Okay. So I wanted to read some jokes to you and Talk and you tell me what you think of these jokes Okay How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax? Uh, I love blonde jokes by the way I I don't know it has a stamp on it I love it

I love those jokes Oh, I got a little bar joke. Okay. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? I don't know. There's white out all over the monitor Oh my god, I got one for you too. Okay, go go ahead. Go ahead Okay, this blonde is sitting at a a bar in chicago Watching the yeah, they have one of these bars where they had the tv behind the bar And uh, there's some guy up on the ledge getting ready to jump. So this This guy sits down next to her

and he says to her this is the the six o'clock news and And uh, he says, uh, I bet you He jumps And the blonde says, I bet you drink. He doesn't and all of a sudden The guy jumps And so the the the guys the blonde says, I guess you owe you $20

And he said, no, I really can't take the money because I saw it on the five o'clock news And the blonde says so did I but I thought you might change his mind I think that's hilarious. Oh my god I think that's so funny You imagine Yeah, man, that's funny Um, how do you draw how do you drown a blonde? Uh

You know have her stand in the shower for a long time No, I don't know. I'm disgusting. I don't know. Okay. You just just go how Uh, you put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool That's funny. That's funny. Oh my god What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the ymca? I don't know. Look, they spelled macy's wrong Funny Yeah

I got one more blonde joke for it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, please keep it coming. Okay. So this blonde She was going to go from new york to europe to london So she just climbed on board and she sat in first class without a first class ticket And the steward says i'm sorry miss but you're not allowed you you have to go back and coach She says i'm blonde. I'm beautiful and i'm going to london in first class Well, the steward has never had anybody talk to her like that. So she went to get the co-pilot The co-pilot came out and says miss you got to go to the back of the coach with everybody else You know that first class ticket

She goes i'm blonde. I'm beautiful and very busty as you can see I'm going to london in first class Well the co-pilot he didn't know what to do So he goes up and tells the captain The captain says don't worry. I speak blonde The captain goes back whispers something to her ear. She pops up and runs back into coach And the other said what did you say to her? I told her that only coach is going to london I think that's hilarious. Yeah, that's good thumb broad. Can you imagine?

Hey, you're out. Thanks the airplane kind of divides itself here. I mean how dumb can you get? Yeah Really funny actually I love that joke. Yeah, that's a good job. Sometimes I just Sometimes I just tell jokes to myself to make myself laugh. Oh my god Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, seriously. Yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, um, man, that's a lot of I can see a broad doing that though, you know I could Yeah, the other kind of jokes I like I like uh

I like bullish jokes. Yeah, who doesn't yeah, sure. All right. These two pollocks are driving down from system that even to miami around i-75 75 They saw a sign that says clean restrooms head. Yeah, so the time we got to miami they cleaned 150 It's funny. That's good. It's good. Hey, um You know what the work? You know what the world's shortest book is what? Polish war hero Yep

The hungarians use the Russians. Why do why do blondes wear panties? I have no idea to keep their ankles warm So Oh my god, wow Yeah, I love this. I love my jokes. Hey, where do you look for for blondes obituaries? Uh In the sports page. No under home improvements Oh

That's good That's really funny. Good That's pretty good, man. Yeah You know, it's it's you don't look you know, it's You don't do any one-liners like this for this is good. You have some good stuff here, buddy Um I love you, you know, I'm trying to try to think some other blonde jokes. You caught me off guard here But I remember one time I just I googled blonde jokes

It worked Yeah, I I must went to 20 or 30 f. So you think I should do these you think I should start doing these on stage No, I actually I think you're much better doing What you do really? Oh, yeah, because you tell a story you captivate, okay, you know the trouble with a blunt with with a short joke Is jokes over Yeah, you need your next one. Yeah Yeah, you know when you do the stories like you do it. Yeah the sense of anticipation

You know, it's like jumping out of an airplane, you know with no parachute. Let me tell you some of some other ones I've been thinking up. Um, okay, how do you think a polish battleship? Uh, you can just say how you don't have to actually try to answer that it's just a joke I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah You put it in water You know, you know what how uh, you bear Let me see how this one goes. Yeah, you know what you know what these two polar these two pollocks decided to bury Their father at sea. Yeah, he was a and they both drowned digging his grave

That's good. That's good Why did the why did the pollock cross the road? Because he wanted to get to the other side. No, he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken Oh, yes Oh, I'm glad you really enjoyed it. Now. I know how to cheer you up if you're in a bad mood. Jesus Oh, all I have to do I'm never really in a bad mood. That's true. That is true I just you know, all I have to do to entertain myself actually

Is think about All your childhood experiences with me. Oh dad, let me tell you I got you one more here How do you know if you're in front of a polish firing squad? Uh, the the guns are faced at the uh, at the guy dad dad dad Do you not understand how these jokes work? You're not supposed to actually try to answer them It's that it's just set up punch line. Okay. I I give up I give up Okay, well, this is how you know you're standing in front of a polish firing squad. They are standing in a circle

I heard that one before yeah, that's a funny one actually Yeah, that's a funny one. Oh god, that is funny. Yeah Who how do you get a pollock out of a bathtub? I don't know you throw in a bar of soap Okay, what do pollocks use cheerios for dad, what do pollocks use cheerios for? I don't know doughnut seeds doughnut seeds Oh Oh my god, I love it Trying to think if I can think another oh, I got a good one for you. It's an olympic thing. Yeah

What do pollocks do with all their gold medals? They don't have any no What again like again, it's just set up a joke I don't know okay, they go home and get them bronzed That's funny That's funny. Yeah, that's funny. Oh my god, this is one of the best conversations of my life Oh, I love just laughing Tommy. I know dad It's it's I'm glad I enjoyed it. Um, all right, I'll give you a call here in a little bit. Okay. I gotta run for me

Okay, buddy, buddy. Love you guys. Bye Amazing guy. I love him. I love him. Um, so happy that that makes him so happy All right, we're gonna jump to an episode now for 64 That has a prank call Um, so this isn't a call with my father, but it's a call that the great fart simpson Uh, who has done amazing. We've shown you, uh, how amazing this guy. He's so talented So here's a prank call that fart simpson did with Top dog as the caller. So let's um

Let's listen to it Which corner is the geo? Hey man, my name's tug. Do you have a second? I need to ask you a few questions What's your question there? What kind of material you guys use over there for your truck nuts? I'm not following you This is on here your thing and uh polysulfide. Uh, is that good to put on skin? You know, I couldn't tell you because I don't do that Yep, you know, I don't know what they're made out of. Let me see if it even tells me in my computer system Uh, but but those truck nuts I could you know, it's hard to say

But let's see here I'm here in my own garage trying to make my custom truck nuts And my daddy's about to pass away. He don't got too much longer live He's always been a big fan of truck nuts Yeah, and I figured the best way to commemorate him and to remember What an awesome man he was was just get a nice casting of his balls Right. Well, I'm not sure Joe speakerphone. I got my hands full over here. This is my dad top dog Hey, buddy, stop dog. How you doing? I'm doing fantastic. Can I bring up a question here that I have on my mind?

Boobs g boobs are really gigantic if you google g boobs, we'll find some big boobs. Okay There's anything my daddy likes more truck nuts. It'd be g-sized sloppers. Those are very rare Hey Oh Does it smell that bad? It smells terrible. It smells terrible. We all have our own fingerprint in the intestines, okay Yep, hey daddy remember that time you took a dump on top of that shit pile in the backyard. Oh, I remember that I Enjoyed that. There you go. That's an 18 wheeler jilt there

Me and my daddy have a have a shit pile going on the backyard. We've had it going for a past year now Yeah, it was gigantic Well, that's why they make those manure things to scoop them up Then you got then you got one of those little Pretty cousin little wagons that they use to haul that shit away Oh, baby g-fort again, I can't help it mine just mine's always spontaneous for the moment His balls are hanging through the hammock. They're a big bowl of plaster Well, that's one way of hanging around town. Oh, it's an interesting spot

Oh You're saying this but it says There you are you breathing like yeah, just the way I breathe There you are. Hell if these truck nuts work out. I think I'm gonna pursue making one for women You'd be the first women drive trucks too. You might as well hit both sides of the market, you know Yeah, I don't know how you're gonna make those for that though, but that'd be a good one I'm thinking about doing truck cuts for ladies It's nice to start making truck labia from our grandma

Well, that's how you're gonna have to make the pesty balls and make that work, man Well, I gotta hit it buddy. Thanks for all the help there bud. You guys have a good one Wow That was pretty great. That was another fart Simpson classic, man My daddy and truck nuts Um, he's gonna make truck hunts for ladies And uh, I love that he used he actually used the um

The time like from the call where my dad was like just the way I breathe when I was like stop fucking breathing into the phone It's just the way I breathe No, it's not Why can't well like why can't you just go like that? Because you know that you're doing it with your nose. So just like move the mouthpiece down. It's just the way I breathe Okay, all right. Thanks, man um Anyway, he's the best. I love him. This is our our special top dog pair down episode

This could have gone on and on and on and on um, so hopefully This up the next time we record will be together, right or no I mean, hopefully, you know, if Christina doesn't break half of her body, I think we should be able pulling up the uh the calendar here There's a good chance. Yeah that we could all come in together That'd be pretty great unless something fucked up happens. One of you guys At this rate anything's possible. What if you get shot robbed beaten stabbed? I don't know, you know Boy, you're really putting it out

Well, something terrible like that happens and then we'll show my murder video at the next uh live I've changed What do you mean? I have changed in what sense since my injury. I I view Tragedies and and humans suffering in a completely different light Please explain that because I I've seen if anything you've only doubled down on it in what way Well, I sent you a real fun video over the weekend. Yeah, and then you responded with uh, oh So this is what we're doing now. We're sending videos to each other that we know the other one won't like and I was like, oh my god Wait, which one did you send me? I sent you the video with uh the two fingers that like you think it's uh like

Oh, this guy's on vacation and pretty soon. You're gonna see he's gonna like hang out with his wife or whatever And it just goes. Oh, yeah to the chick's asshole. Yeah. Yeah, and he just his fingers are everywhere And then all over the world and then they're in a girl's asshole Yeah, I thought that was really cool. I thought that'd make you laugh It did make me laugh. Oh, oh The way it read to me is that it made you mad. Fuck. No, you were like fuck you. You know what? Here's a murder video. No And I did not send you a murder video right you you threatened to I threatened to show you somebody getting very severely hurt

But not a murder video. That's different and I enjoyed your video. It made me laugh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, all right Yeah, I was just like I think I'm I think I'm playing stupid games and I'm gonna get a stupid prize real soon Not at all seeing someone die and you've seen the last person ever get Hurt on this show with me Playing you know, I mean sewing someone's suffering and I'm just kidding Yeah, I was just like, what's the show gonna be? No, no, no, um No, we'll get into you know, we'll get into more severe injury stuff next week and um, I've had

I've had some things sent to me that are pretty gruesome that I'll I'll show you first. Tell me if you think it's right for the show You know, it's really cool, man Is that this culture that you're creating is now bleeding into the rest of the office My other group chats. I mean chris could tell you we're in a group like any's now sending death videos also And he's just like, look, this is funny, right? I'm like, what? It's like I can't get away from it It's coming from every angle. That makes me happy. I thought it would Yeah, but I mean

The finger thing I love that thing. Send me stuff like that all the time. Oh, okay. All right, cool And you won't retaliate with sending no death videos. No, I don't even have death videos, man I really don't I don't You just said you you got you went through a whole bunch They're not death videos. Oh, okay severely injured videos. Just like somebody's fucking getting run over by a car And then getting like flipped five times before he hits the ground. Yeah, I don't like those dude me either I don't like it at all Not anymore. No actually like how how has this changed for you?

Like after seeing your video like are you able to like detach yourself enough to at least think it's funny Well, here's the thing. I you know, I've always explained that there's that it might sound weird to people that it's but that It's a very gray about like what I like or laugh at You know, I never liked or or could even tolerate sports injuries on You know ESPN or whatever like when I remember like being a kid Tim Krummer I in the Super Bowl. I remember Willis McGay he Uh in the national championship game and like knee kind of shit like crazy. I wasn't like ha ha

I was like, uh, like I I couldn't watch that shit at all even Dak Prescott earlier this year those those types of injuries don't That's not the kind of thing that I Laugh at this one, you know, somebody hears that for me like well, I saw you laugh at this other thing like yeah But it's a different thing. I mean, they're not the same thing. So I mean, do I think that like my video is hilarious not really But um, I I appreciate this that like it's gonna make some people laugh for sure

So so you don't think that your video is hilarious, but let's say for example If a helicopter started landing in the middle In the middle of your video and then a blade went to your head and you'd be like now I get now I'd be like that shouldn't be in the gym first of all and uh You know, no, I mean like my video my video, um There is there is like a laughable element to it for a second

I think like if we were I'm we don't have right now, but like if we were breaking it down I I would tell you what part I find funny Um, and then and then I then I'm just like, uh, it's it's kind of gruesome. You know, it's kind of gruesome So yeah, half your body break bending in the wrong direction There's a part of it that I think is particularly gruesome But again, like I appreciate that that that might be someone's favorite thing, you know, they might they might Laugh. I mean, I know it's gonna get so many meme treatments and like, you know Funny videos made from it. Like it's just gonna happen

Um, that's pretty cool. Yeah. I mean, it's I I don't I don't like I'm not emotional about the injury if that makes sense. I'm not like, oh my god, you know Right. You don't relive it whenever you see it. No. No. I mean to me. It's like I don't know. I can get very philosophical about it. It's it's it's been um It's been like a really I don't know like eye-opening experience, you know, like and and I've I've appreciated different things since it it's happened in a lot of different ways like

You know, I appreciate like the fact that It could have been worse. Um, you know, I appreciate my own Uh mobility much more. I got a lot of help from a lot of people yourself include like so like, you know I have a lot of gratitude. You know, it's not like that All around horrible thing. I mean on paper It's a pretty bad thing and it's fucked up my month And my life a lot, but it's ultimately not a terrible thing, you know

Oh, so you're like one of your takeaways is just like it helped you to learn how to appreciate other things more You know what it did. Uh-oh. It had it made me live life 365 Live life 365 Yeah, that's what it did I'm a total I'm totally in now on live life 365 work hard play hard. You know what I mean? That's how I feel now so Yeah, um

Hopefully we're back here having fun as a big fam next week All right Thank you guys for watching for listening. Sorry about the um, you know One hand See you next week. Oh Fuck me I feel so good Oh, fuck me

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