Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 585 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 6, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://www.stamps.com/, click on the Microphone at the TOP of the homepage and type in MOM and get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale. - Download Best Fiends FREE today on the Apple App Store or Google Play - Go to https://www.brooklinen.com/ and use promo code mom to get $25 off when you spend $100 or more, PLUS free shipping. - Visit https://www.babbel.com and use promo code MOM on your three month subscription. - Go to https://www.forhims.com/mom for a free online visit today HAPPY NEW YEAR CHOMOS! Tom Segura and Christina P kick off this episode of YMH with a video of a dude who claims he's "just a cool guy." They recap the 2 Bears, 1 Cave New Year's Live Show, and watch Tom's basketball injury, as well as various parodies of it. The Main Mommies discuss a hot button issue from the show: Tom's pronunciation of the word "won." They give Charo and Top Dog a call to have them weigh in on it. They also discuss Hilaria Baldwin's recent controversy, their experience having COVID-19, their favorite action movie franchises, and the time Tom attended Matt Damon's birthday party. We get an update from YMH All-Star Norman Summerton, watch a Fedsmoker video from the vault, and take a look at The King's TikTok evolution. Also, CP is now a certified "Queen Above 18," sporting one of The King's signature sweatshirts!

Go to ymhstudios.com slash live stream to watch the show now. Are you so jellies? Yeah, I actually am. You actually have a queen above 18 hoodie. Good morning. From the god himself. What's this? Good morning. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Happy New Year, Chomos.

We are back in studio. I'm half broken, but I'm ready to do the show. That's right. And I am now COVID negative. That's right. We're both negative testing for the COVID virus. We had it. We're over it.

We got the antibodies and we might be immune for a week. I love that I am now over the Rona because I feel like I can live freely now. You're over the Rona and you're over 18. It's a distinction that's made on your new hoodie. A lot of people ask me. They must be very excited. Are you so jellies? Yeah, I actually am.

You actually have a queen above 18 hoodie. Good morning. From the god himself. It's pretty amazing. What's this? Good morning. It says good morning. Everybody knows. You know, the attention to detail is what I love most about all my sweaters as you know.

I'm like the sweater comic. Yep. And this is really unique. I like the backwards K. It looks a little like the KKK, but that's okay. Never thought that. Didn't think about it at all. That is what the clan, that's the three letters that they kind of, if they want to.

I mean, I did. I'm just saying there's a lot of details. I mean, there's, you could have pointed out the Q that has nothing to do with the clan. But that's not as fun, Tom. Yeah. There happens to be one letter K and you're like the clan. That comes to mind. But it's just an interesting design choice.

The design, I mean, yeah, no, the design is, it's very good. And then there's kind of an Amazon smile. It says queen above 18 and I support Amazon too. So I like that. There's so much to get into. And there's a little schmutz too that came on the sweatshirt free of charge. Yeah. I'm assuming that came from the King's own trailer where he made this or where he outsourced it.

I don't know. All right. Let's, uh, let's start the show. You guys ready? COVID-19. Let's do it. Hi. My name is Alan.

All I am is just a really cool guy who can do some really cool things. That's all I am. Now, people put their belief systems on me. Yeah. Which is why different people perceive me as different things such as an angel, a demon, a devil, a hybrid, an alien, a supernatural being. I'm none of that though. What are you?

All I am is just a cool guy who can do some really cool things. Come on. Come on. We're back. We're both in studio. I'm not in a hospital. You're not quarantining. It's great to be back here.

It's great. You know what I noticed is that because of your new bionic glove, the guitar riff sounded a little different when you played it. Oh yeah. See what I do is I send a code from here to here and then it makes the whaa a little different. It did. It was like a whole new play.

Raise hand. Now. Wave. I wish it made sounds. Me too. Me too. But you know what? It didn't stop you do.

It didn't stop you doing. What? It didn't stop you from fucking. That's true. I still have 25 other hand. We still did it babe. Yeah. I asked if you had ever been with a cripple before.

You're like no and what do you think? I loved it. It was a whole new fantasy. I was like Trish the wheelchair prostitute where I help men that are paralyzed or severely injured or traumatized. It was like I got to reinvigorate life in near penis and it was great. Yeah. It felt good.

Yeah. I felt like a cripple that was learning to come again. There's got to be, isn't that a movie? That's a few movies. It's a hallmark movie. Yeah. Yeah. Where the guy's paralyzed but he gets feeling in his dick and then he's like I want to

come again. Force Gump. Is that the? Janie. No, it's Lieutenant Dan. He's in the movie. I'm like the prostitute that Lieutenant Dan sees. And then Jenny's got AIDS.

Jenny's got AIDS. Lieutenant Dan probably is like I want AIDS. I'm fucking in this chair all day. Give me fucking AIDS. Yeah. Well, remember we had a hot debate on your mind. Did you ever have an AIDS person come like speak at school? All the time.

Yeah. All the time. Yeah. Well, because I went to school at the University of San Francisco, which was like the epicenter of AIDS. Yeah. I'm talking about like school, like elementary. Oh, elementary?

No. Not an elementary. No. I did. They brought a lady with AIDS. Oh, geez. To talk to us. She's like, I got AIDS.

And we were like, oh my God. And she was like, you can't get it like from like looking at me and like had to talk to us about that. She was like, you know, this would like now it's not a death sentence to have HIV, but at the time when she talked to us, it was and she was like, yeah, I'm going to die because like my, you know, T cell kind of keeps going down and we were like, damn. I know. And you just got that from being a whore.

Like, no, wasn't the story with women was usually my husband was bisexual. That's not the usual story. I got a blood transfusion. It's not the usual story. Blood transfusion. Yes. The car from Deans. I'm with a buy guy.

I'm sure that happened. But that's not like, this is what's the only, like you're like the common thing that happened is that buy men were giving it. It's true though. In San Francisco, it was mostly a male, male to male. And then women, the anomaly was that straight women were getting it. Well, as a woman, you're having fluid put into you. That's why it's harder to, to like a straight man is less likely to get it from a woman.

A woman that's infected. That's right. Yeah. That's right. And all those juices. So we like that. Woo. Woo.

My bag. Got the HIV. Yeah. This is a fun turn on this show. Look, I, you know. Into HIV talk. I gotta tell you, the Segura house though, we've been through the ringer this month and I felt like the house had HIV all month.

You know? Oh my God. Yeah. I mean, it started with your accident in the beginning of December, December one. We were fucking first. We recorded what was supposed to be our New Year's week show here. We were fucking around in the lobby. We're talking bets about whether I could make a nine foot dunk.

We were just like, I was getting ready to do it that night. I remember I talked to Franco Escamilla. He was like, will you do this thing, like for this show I have, like you record yourself in Spanish and we were like talking about what bid I would do. Like I remember all those things from that day, you know, and then driving to this gym and meeting Tristan and his friends and, you know, Bert and I taking a COVID. We did COVID tests there to make sure everybody was, you know, clean and negative to shoot this piece.

We played two on one. We were going to play. This is what people don't know. So we played two on one, Bert and I versus Tristan Jazz, which the videos on, there's a version of it on his channel and then there's a version of it, our version of it on the live show, which if you didn't see the live show. It's a rental at ymhstudios.com slash live stream. You can rent it and it'll, you can watch it through the 11th.

It's no longer obviously a live event. It's just like a rental there. May I tell you before you continue your story, I watched the live show the next day on New Year's Day. You were still sleeping and it was, it was so much fun. It was fun. Watching you and Bert just get fucked up and dick around. And you guys talking about the ridiculous stuff you're into when you guys had so many

great guests. It was, it was genuinely a good time. It was a show. It was a fun show. Yes. It was fun for me. I needed it. And it was so fun.

Thanks because I had a lot of fun doing it. I know some people had tech problems. I, we've, look, we spent a lot of time and a lot of money preparing for a heavy traffic and I know that's a crazy humble brag. I know that it is, but it's true. And the heavy traffic, you know, it, for some people that people messaged me like, I had no problem. I logged in early.

I watched the show live. No problem. Other people had problems. Just know we've, I apologize. We were continuing to work on it and the whole goal is to make this experience flawless, which it isn't. So I'm sorry. I know that some people were really upset about it and I was more upset than you.

So going back to the show though, like Bert and I just had so much fun. We got to do the basketball stuff. We got to do our porno table reads. We had an animal expert in here with snakes and roaches and tarantulas that were crawling on our faces and shit. It was really, really a fun time. But back to the month. The month.

Yeah. And this December one, the injury happens and then God, it just throws the month into chaos. What a chaotic, I feel like it's one of those things like everybody has their own, their own life story and like things that you remember, you know, that are like traumatic, let's say for sure 20 years from now, if you go like, do you remember that month? I think I'll remember it in detail, like great detail, like how fucked my month was, you know?

Oh, the whole house was upside down. Jesus Christ, man, from getting hurt to like the details of paramedics, hospitals, doctors, therapy, you know, physical therapy, occupational therapy, just the little challenges of like putting clothes on and taking a shower and all the little shit that comes with like an injury like this. It's wild. And then on top of that, during the pandemic, we get COVID and we get lucky enough where we don't have horrible symptoms.

We just like, it's just one of those things where this virus affects different people in different ways and like your symptoms were even more mild than mine. Like mine weren't that bad. I thought I had oxy withdrawals because I came off of oxy, right? I'm taking like a hundred fucking something milligrams a day, right? And then I'm not shitting. And to me, I was like, I'd rather be in pain and shitting than not shitting for days. Like it was like, I hated it because I was having to take, having to get suppositories

up my ass to take a shit. Well, and not just that, they were forcing suppositories up your butt and then pumping you full of coalesce and you were bedridden. So it's not like, it's not like you go, oh, I have to shit. And then you can just pop up and go to the toilet. No, you can't. They threw, they're like, I can't shit in the bed and you're like, I'm not shitting. Fresh out of surgery, you know?

Yeah. And I learned on the live show that Bert, he goes, I love suppositories. And I'm like, what do you mean? Yeah. He goes, I take them all the time. And I'm like, you put them up. You give them to yourself? He goes, yeah.

Cause it helps like clear me out. And I'm like, wait, how often do you do this? He's like every month. And I go, you put a suppository to it. Every month. But the only way that that's a regular practice for you is like, you must have trouble. Like you're, you're leaving out the first part, which is I have trouble shitting. So I do this to relieve myself.

And he's like, oh, I guess, I guess he just does it for a good time. He said it feels good to him. I was like, I've had it exactly three times and it was all the week that I was on oxys and couldn't shit. I've tried a suppository once and I just put it in just the tip into my anus and immediately I was unconstipated. It was just like, boop. And then I just shit everywhere.

I had three put in by three separate nurses, um, almost a guy, two were ladies. And um, each time it was like, like demoralizing and pretty horrific. And then two out of the three times I had to have somebody wipe my ass for me until I had like a little more ability to move and turn, you know? At first I was like, I can't reach back there. Like I was so, you know, and you're like, I'm just standing there and I remember this lady goes, sorry, uh, I keep wiping. There's just so much stool.

What's stool lady? You mean Kaka? You mean brown? Shit? Sash weight? Rod? Yeah. He's got a lot of shit back here.

I was like, yeah. Probably like five days worth. That's why you gave me this suppository. I hate the word stool because it really tries to put a bow on something that's disgusting. It's a medical term. Stool. That was bad. The day I visited you and yeah, and the suppositories and everything, I just started working.

Remember that Sunday I came? And you could barely get up out of bed to shit. It was just a nightmare. So you go to this rehab. I thought to myself, all I am is just a really cool guy. Yeah. A lot of people think I'm a hybrid. So then we finally get you home because you've been at this rehab facility for another, what,

12, 13 days? Yeah. So I was all together. Let's see. The first, oh my God. The injury. I'm in the hospital. I get out on the six or seven.

Seven's your discharge. And then go to another place. And then from there, I go home on the 19th. So in the meantime, it was like our son Ellis has a fifth birthday. So then dad's not there for the birthday. That was horrible. That sucked, yeah. We get you home and we're so happy that you're finally home.

The kids are outside waiting for you. The ambulance brings you in. We've been waiting to watch Harry Potter with our older boy. We finally get that movie cooking. And we're all snuggling with dad. It's like I just got home. Yeah, I just got home. I just got home.

And like an hour into this movie or something or maybe the movie's over and I get an email. And by the way, as you know, you know, and everybody here, all we do is get we've been getting tested for months now. You know, we hire people that come here sometimes, sometimes we go places. Sometimes the mobile unit meets us like when we shot them. Like, so we just keep getting so we're so used to getting these notifications and I open the email because I had, I had just been tested. But before I left recovery, right?

And I didn't get the result. Yeah, because they'd suspect that they're like, maybe it's COVID. Well, because it's because, yeah, that's what we were talking about. I had so I when I took myself off of oxys, I just did it one day, right? I stopped on the 13th, I think it was. And then Monday is the 14th. And I the one of the ladies had told me, she goes, you're probably going to get bluesy and emotional. And I was like, really?

And she goes, yeah, it happens when you get off of oxys that next day. I'm crying about all kinds of shit. Fucking commercials, deep childhood pain, text messages. Look at a picture of somebody. I start crying, I cry because they switched nurses on. I'm just crying, crying all the time. But because she had told me that I go, that's that's what it is. You know, like it, like at least it added up.

That's what we all thought it was, because I was texting with your doctor, too. And she's like, it's oxy. Yeah, the next day, I feel worse physically. So I feel physically worse the day after that. I feel even more wiped out, like really wiped out. I have diarrhea like a few a few times. I'm real achy. And then so I go, this is oxy withdrawals, you know, and it all checks out.

And if you look at like the withdrawal, these are all like possible symptoms. Oh, yeah. So the fourth day, I'm still I'm still feeling pretty shitty. Like I remember that like they somebody had brought food, like one of the staff and they're like, do you want to try this? And I was like, I can't like my stomach's all fucked up. And they were like, hmm, and somebody came back and they go, do you want to do like a COVID test?

Like, because like we think you have a bug because they started to tell me, like, don't have visitors now because you seem sick. Something's up. Yeah. And I was like, but they weren't like, you need a COVID test. They're like, do you want one? And I was like, yeah, let's just rule it out. Got the test. Don't even think about it.

Anyways, we watched that movie at home. I go home, I get an email. Alice is right on you for two hours. Just breathe in on my kid. Breathe. I open the email. It says that the test result positive. And I was like, what? Well, no, and don't forget I had gotten you a medical bed.

So I had to find a medical bed for you. It's a little you can do that. I had a nurse staff at the house to care for you as well. So I the nurse was ding dong at the door. Don't let her in. Don't let her in. Well, like, what the fuck is happening? Tom's positive for COVID. And I was like, what?

I got to be right away by the way, open the email. And then they call me and the ladies on the phone. And she goes, hey, I'm from the company, you know, that tested you. And I go, hey, it says I'm positive, though. Like I said it like, how is that possible? Not what happens with you. She goes, yeah, you are. Yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah.

And here's the thing, I was already feeling better. Like the worst days were behind me. And then. I look at you and I was like, oh, shit. I definitely have given it to you. Well, not, but I hadn't seen you in a week. So I thought, OK, maybe there's a chance. Right. You started to glove up and mask up in front of me. Fuck's sake.

And then I had to glove up every time. So I put Tom in the basement, OK, which was lucky. Because he it's it's really logistics because there's less stare. So he could come in through the garage and just go into the basement, sleep in that hospital bed. And I thought, you know, I'll just we'll take care of him. The nurse will be here. It'll be fine.

So I got a fucking. I asked you, by the way, it's pretty funny. I go, why do you have a nurse? I don't need a nurse. And you go, it's not for you. It's for me. So I don't have to take care of you. Exactly.

Because I have two small children already who are, you know, four and two at the time and no nanny because it's a holiday is like Christina is already full. You know what I'm saying? Like I got my crippled husband home. I got two little kids and it doesn't get any worse. So then fucking. Yes. And now I'm getting the what's that PPO PPE up every time I fucking throw him

a sandwich, I'm putting on gloves and 95 the shield and I'm throwing you a sandy and you're coming in with a lot of attitude, by the way. I wish that nurse had stayed because she was like doing a lot upstairs. I got fucking feed you. And I was like, sorry, I'm broken. So then I start to feel crappy the next day, a little sniffles, a little something. But no, no, I was sitting there with the kids and I'm sitting there and I go, that's weird.

I don't have a taste. There's just no taste in my mouth Sunday night. That's so weird. I go, I'm going to go brush my teeth. I don't taste anything. And I'm like, no way, dude. I can't believe I got the rona. That's it.

That's the rona. But at the time I had a pimple that was giving me more heartache than the rona. Like I was actually more worried about. You're very lucky. But here's the thing that has come about from this. You're out lost six pounds. I haven't eaten in fucking two weeks. I still can't taste.

You can't taste or smell great. And your other you tested negative. We had you tested lab tested negative. You have no other symptoms. You have no taste or smell and it brings about the question. Is it now officially scrum season? Just let me eat you. Can you.

Do you think you can you're not going to taste or smell anything? What if I lift my leg and you eat my scrum? OK, well, it's an interesting. I'm thank you for bringing that up. It's a good idea. Yeah, I'm a little worried that your scrum hasn't been properly washed in a month. Well, why? Because you're doing like sit down showers.

OK, so let's just go. Let's do it. Let's do a thorough cleaning. I don't know if you've really put soap. Let's do a thorough cleaning. But isn't that the answer? Do a thorough cleaning. Right.

What do I get in exchange for the scrum? The pleasure of knowing you, please, your husband, please. What would you like in exchange for it? Now, that's a good question. Let me think about it. Let me think on it. You really need to like to really come up with a. A real exchange for that.

Yeah, well, it's something I don't want to do. So it's got to be worth my while. Otherwise, I'll be resentful. Think about it. Jesus. It's got to be an even exchange. That's what a contract is, Tom. I give something, I get something. Yeah, we go ahead.

What are you thinking? I think this is complete bullshit. Oh, my God, you were giving me so much shit over not squashing bugs over here. You won't even feel the bad things that you were complaining about. You're not going to smell it. You're not going to taste it.

And you won't even eat your husband's scrum. I think that's bullshit. Feel the bad things you're complaining about. Yeah. I guess so. I'm kind of worried about my health, though, because my immune system, I mean, it's had to work hard. And his butt is not cleaning the dove.

He hasn't washed it properly in a month. I thought he'd keep saying that. I thought it'd be impressionally clean. Like, it'll be washed. You keep going back to it. No, but how? Because you sit down when you shower. OK, I'll stand up.

In the shower? You can't. We can make, like, if you're like, the cleaning man, we just can't deal with the cleaning, like, we can just get a clean. That's the hindrance here. That's what's hanging me up, yeah. OK, we'll clean it.

So there's the answer. But to my liking, I want to see the cleaning. OK, we'll get it clean to your liking. So there's that now. And then what are we going to do? We're going to video it for the show or something? Fuck no. What are you talking about?

Video it. You just want to. You think that my whole time, I'm like, and the thing is, I need a video of this. No. It's just the actual sensation, the feeling, but there's no video. Wait, OK, what?

Let me think about what I want in exchange. Have a, no, no, no, no. No shaky heady, no shaky heady. Because I deserve something in exchange for a scrum lick. Like what? Remember when I ate dog food and I got a nice ring out of it? Yeah. Maybe it's a nice piece of jewelry

to commemorate this awesome year. OK. Let me think about it. God, a lady has the right to fucking decide her terms, you guys. Yeah, right. Don't shake your head, no. Yeah, I have a right.

OK, so initially, we were going to. We were going to. Well, by the way, can I talk about my COVID symptoms? Sure. Three days, it was a breeze, easy breezy. I was like running around doing everything. And then I lost, yeah, no, I lost my taste first. And then day four, I was tired.

I just slept. I slept day five, day six, and then that was it. And then I have a little runny nose in the cough. But I'm one of the luckier mofos out there. Yeah. I do wish I could carry around a certificate to let people know that I've had it already, so that I'm exempt from wearing a mask and stuff.

It'd be nice. Just to be like, I've had it. I fucking had it. OK, I mean, because I do feel like it's a superpower now when I walk around. Don't you feel a little bit more powerful? Like, yeah, fucking got that shit, bro. I don't know if I feel like, I mean.

I done had the rona, bitch. I'm just happy to be over it. I'm happy. I'm relieved to not have to sanitize my hands. I'm happy that I didn't have a horrible experience with it. Same. You know, thank God. Yeah, just got lucky.

Super lucky, bro. Speaking of lucky, if you were lucky enough to watch the live show, you saw how I broke my body. And we're going to show it to you now. One of the things, people ripped it so much and put it everywhere. You know, what's funny is that we had prepared parody, like funny things to do to our videos, to the dunk video.

But everybody started doing similar things, sometimes the same thing, and more. So we pulled some stuff for that. One thing that's lost on everybody because only the injury goes viral is that I fucking dunked on nine feet, which you doubted. Who doubted? Nadev.

He did? Yeah, I actively bet against it. Yep. He didn't think I could do it. Bet you feel bad now. And maybe you should lick Tom's scrum. Burt could not. So here is Burt trying to do it, nine feet.

Nope. He's so fat right now in that. Maybe it's the angling. No, it's not the angle. So he couldn't do that. Here's your boy. Oh, snaps. Oh.

And you know what I think about right here? I'm so pleased with myself. I'm so happy. And it's probably T minus three minutes. Can we not? Do you know that I haven't actually watched this whole video? I've only seen what's gone viral on the internet. Every time I open Instagram, it's like a million memes

of you broken. And I haven't actually watched this footage and I don't really want to. So thanks for making me watch this. If you don't want to, this would be a good time to like take your earbuds out or something. Cause we're about to play like a whole bunch of videos on it.

Okay. I mean, it's up to you, I understand. You're my baby daddy and I love you. I just don't like to know that you got hurt. I'm gonna cry. Don't watch it then. Well, I have to, it's the show now. Okay.

Do it for show biz. Okay, are you ready? There's gonna be a few, here I'll tell you what's coming up. Yeah. We're gonna play the real thing and then we're gonna play some of the parodies. Okay. You all right?

Yeah, I'm just hearing up already. I don't like it. Okay. Here we go guys. Injury video angle number one. Oh boy. Horrible or hilarious. Oh.

Oh. So what happened there? Some people think that there's a slip. They're like, you slipped on. So I've heard people like, I must have been a wet spot. That's not what happened. It's just that when I planted, so what we did was I dunked on nine, right?

This is the part that's like so ridiculous is that he couldn't, so it's over. And they're like, I don't know who said like, I think you can get a couple inches more. So they cranked it up to like nine three or nine six or something. And so I go to, I plant off my left foot and my patella tendon snaps.

And that's what's actually happening there. And then my left arm instinctively goes behind me to kind of brace it for the fall, you know? Just, it's not a thought, it's just an instinct. And then I land on it and it breaks. So this is another angle. Oh boy, I don't like this angle. This is the other angle.

This is the other angle as well. Oh. You okay? You okay? Oh. Yeah. His arm. Yeah.

The bird helps me right there. Jesus. Can you call 911? Like you like how I'm like, can you can call 911? Like. Yeah, like you have to tell them. Cause everyone else was. This was so shy.

Yeah, the camera guy was like, his arm. And then, you know, birds like, you okay? You okay? And I'm like, call 911. Let me tell you though, the mark of a real buddy right there, a real friend. Yeah. Is when your arms jack like that.

Yeah. And he's not afraid and he's like here about it. No, he did. I know. I mean, and for Burt, especially Burt, that's huge. He waited at the house. Yeah, they did everything. They did everything. And then the next day, he and Lindsay, by the way,

Lindsay helped me out so much too. Oh my gosh. Lindsay took me home. Lindsay helped me get to the doctor and the hospital with Burt and then Burt waited with me in the ER. Let me tell you what else Lindsay did. We had some smoke alarms in the house that the battery was going down.

And they're like fucking, I don't know, on a 12 foot ceiling or something. And I can't reach them. She can't reach it. I can't stand on a ladder and be like, well, maybe I won't fall. But they started going off at two in the morning like chirp. It was horrible.

Chirp. And you did your text, Lindsay. You just happened to mention it to him. And he came over and changed them. He did. Oh my gosh. And then he came back when one of them didn't work. Yeah, that was like one of the nice things

that anyone's ever done. Ever done. That's right. Oh my God. Where I was like, I sent a video just staring at the camera and you could just hear chirp, chirp. And he's like, I'll come right over. Yeah, huge help.

Here it is in slow motion. No. Ooh. So part of why, not part of, the reason I have this crazy glove on is because that break, a very common thing when you break your humerus is that you bruise or damage your radial nerves.

So I got lucky, according to my surgeon, he's like, it's not severed. It's not damaged, just bruised. So that's why I have this crazy bionic glove on. Helps with the, like some of the. Didn't you go? I actually have, by the way, I have neuropathy issues. You have neuropathy issues.

I do. I have neuropathy issues. So if you just want to see me go from a small, empty, to a hardy, just watch me come in enormous amounts of come, I'm going to smoke some meth. Just tell me if you want to see it. I'll send you the video. If not, I won't send it to you.

But I have neuropathy issues. You have neuropathy. I do, in my hand. That's amazing. I think, you know what? Every time one of the therapists mentions it, I laugh and they're like, why are you laughing? So I'll be like, yeah, this hand, should we like,

yeah, that's the neuropathy issue. And I'll be like, I go, should I smoke meth? And they're like, what? Coming for strokes. Coming for strokes. But I was feeling that hand, like you're gonna, I keep waiting for you any second now to be like, babe, I can move my hand.

It's getting better. Really? It's getting better, yeah. I keep waiting for you to just like, get my attention and it'll be fine. Oh, you know what I love is, yeah, you told him to call 911. And I remember when Bert told me the story,

he goes, yeah, Tom goes, call 911. And I go, really? Like Bert doesn't, those guys, I mean, your arm was like a gummy. I just knew, I knew how fucked I was immediately. Yeah. What did you think happened to you at that point? Okay, cause I, it happens so fast.

It happens so fast. But like, when I pushed off on that left leg, I just, I didn't know I tore my patella tendon. But in that brief moment, I knew that I was injured. I knew that something had gone out on my leg. I didn't know if it was ACL or what, but I knew something had gone out. You felt like you felt that it collapsed.

You knew that it wasn't slipping. That like, you know, I just, you saw the one where I just jumped. And so I knew that like, there was no power, right? Like I had pushed off. And instead of going up, I was going down. So I'd felt the power go out of that push off. And then it, I guess, you know,

it felt more like something was wrong than tremendous pain. My arm immediately hurt like. You felt that break. And so intense. So yeah, did you actually feel it break when it? No, it's just, cause it happens like, you know, snap. It was just that immediately like shock through the arm

and my system that like, you're in, this is trauma, you know. So I was just like, oh my God, that hurts so fucking bad. So I just, you know, I just held it and I had to just wait that the worst part was like, it's laying on your side like that. And like having just being like, you guys called, right? Like there's somebody, and then I could hear the sirens. I was like, oh fuck yes.

And then, yeah, then, you know, the paramedics, they took care of me. Hey, by the way, thank God it happened December 1st and not like last week. Cause right now LA is the epicenter of the COVID pandemic. You would have been, I mean, trying to get into a fucking hospital now has got to be impossible with,

it's overrun with COVID patients right now. He jacked off in four strokes. Yep, that's what I'm gonna be doing now, man. That's what I'm gonna be doing, man. Your dick head becomes so sensitive. That's what I'm looking forward to. My dick head becomes so sensitive. With my neuropathy issues.

By the way, I did love listening to, this is a sidebar, the top dog calls. You did a top dog retrospect. Oh yeah, we did top dog calls, yeah. Oh, I mean, I loved hearing him talk about the Orlando airport again. All the classics, man. All the hits.

If you guys aren't familiar, it was such a good episode to listen to. What episode number is that? What's it called? What is it? Last week. Yeah, last week, so 584. 584.

We went through some of the big time classics. Yeah, but back to the dunk thing, you know, I won. Most important, you won. What do you win? Was there money on? No, I won this. This is mine now. Your bionic hand and COVID.

Yeah, the live show was the first time in 41 years that anyone has told me that I'm saying a word that I've said a million times incorrectly. I was thinking about it, because these guys were like, you're saying one and not one. And I was like, right? They're like, you're saying it wrong.

And I was like, what are you talking about? No, you're not. It's won. I won the game. And then here's the thing though, but I was like thinking about all weekend how, you know, I was like, how many times, because I know how I've been saying it that way forever.

Yeah. Where I've been like, who won? Or we won. I won. And not one time did anybody go, hey, you know, you're saying that wrong. Not once until the live show. That's the first time in my life.

I have, you know, I've watched football. I've asked who won a million. No one's ever been like, what? Well, it's kind of, it's like everyone around you is a fucking traitor. I said it in a special. I think in completely normal. Someone DM'd me some time codes.

Did I say? That you said one. You said one in completely normal. But I said it the way I say it. Yeah, you said it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm not like misrepresenting. You know, I'm saying like,

I definitely have said it this way. Not a soul has been like, you know, because you're not saying it wrong. Go ahead and Google the word one. And you know how they have this. And what does it say? One. You're kidding.

No. Yeah. One. Well, here's the thing. I will say this. No, it's not one. Nobody that I respect has corrected me. You know what I mean?

Nobody I respect. Exactly. Like everybody who said it like one. I'm like, that guy's a fucking, you know what, you know. It is not. I mean, first of all, one sounds like you're British. Are you speaking the Queens English? Are you a fucking American?

You're a fucking elitist. Yeah. Oh, are we in Downton Abbey? Oh, okay. I guess you live upstairs fucking Lady Grantham. Oh, I won. Please, won. That's what you say though.

You say won. You say. What do you say? They say won. I won. Yeah, they say it like one. This argument's falling apart guys. When?

They say it like it's, they say it like the number. Yeah, it's not. They're like, I won the game. I won the game, Bummy. Mother, I won. I was playing outside. When? And I won.

I won, won, won. It should be W-U-N, one. You know what? You know what word I realized? One, what? W-U-N is one. One. Yeah.

What? Yeah, that'll fix it. That's the right spell. Okay, listen. I won before I get to the question. I agree with you, Tommy, you're right. May I tell you the word? I figured out I was mispronouncing my entire life as well.

First of all, it started with combative. You told me that that's wrong. Combative. You told me it's not a sun visor, it's just a visor. Nobody says sun visor, nobody says chewing gum. Nobody says that. I'd grown up with foreigner parents and so chewing gum was always the way I'd heard it.

That's how I said it. Now here's another word I've been mispronouncing my entire life. Ambidextrous. I've been saying ambidextrous. Oh, that's definitely wrong and I've never heard you say that. Ambidextrous.

I've never heard you say that. That's because I say anorexic when I'm joking about being anorexic but I don't, ambidextrous. Did you say it that way? I said ambidextrous. That's definitely wrong. And as somebody who is ambidextrous,

I can tell you that that's definitely wrong. But when did I become such an idiot? I feel like everything is. It's been taken time. Yeah. Yeah. And you were raised by foreigners. Idiots, yeah.

See, I had one foreigner. So maybe that's where I got Juan from. I don't know. Well, how does your mom and dad say it? Let's call your mom and dad. All right, let's go. All right. Okay.

Okay. Your mother and I have been saying Juan. Juan. I won the game. I agree. Mm-hmm. Juan. How's that?

Juan. W-U-N is Juan. Let's see. Oh, W-O-N is Juan. Oh. Yeah, you fucking foreigner. You're a foreigner too. I know.

You're just a fucking foreigner. But I know when I mispronounced it. Hey, Dad. Hey, buddy. How you doing, man? Oh, I'm doing great. Hey, I got a quick question for you. You mispronounce a lot of words.

And. I do. Yeah, you do. You really do. What about it? What's a guy who likes kids? Yeah, what's a guy who likes sex with children? A pedophile.

That's definitely wrong. What's the name of that actor from Goodfellas and Casino Joe P-E-S-C-I? Joe Pecky. Joe Pecky. Yeah. So, there's so many.

Let me ask you something. There's a word, there's a debate in our office right now on the show. The word is W-O-N. Like, if you win and it's in the past, you say what? One. Thank you.

What is it? One. One? I won the game. I won the game. I won the game or I won the game? I won the game. I won the game.

So the guy who keeps mispronouncing things says it the way you guys say it. That's interesting, your honor. That's the argument? Yeah, that is the argument. Pedio file. It's won, I won the game. Right, right, right.

So, is your wife around? Oh, she's here. Can I ask her a question? Oh, sure, hold on. Tell her we're doing the show, okay? One. Okay. Okay.

My mother. One. They're doing the show and he has a question for you. Here she comes. Okay. Hello? Charo San. Charo San.

Tomasín. ¿Qué onda? ¿Cómo le va? ¿Feliz año nuevo? Ay, bien. Feliz año nuevo para ti y para todos los tuyos. I have a quick question for you that might help resolve a little argument

we're having at the office, okay? Okay. So let's say you and I play a game, right? A board game, bridge or whatever, okay? Okay. You beat me. And then we go home. Yeah, obviously.

And then we walk. We go into the kitchen. And then you get to say that you beat me but you say I and then the word W-O-N. How would you say that? I won. I won. I won the game.

I won. You say I won or I won? I won. W-O-N. I won the game, Tomasín. I won. I won the game. I won.

You say won, not won, right? I say won. Won. Won, yeah. I think that's a... I won Tom. I won Tom. That's how I say it.

Like, won Tom. I won Tom. You should try. All right, that's kind of the point I was looking for, is that, because they're saying that I say it wrong. They're saying that I say it wrong because I say won and they're saying I should say won. I won the game.

Won is the Chinese currency. You say won and it's won. Yeah. I don't know the difference. There you go. Perfect. Raised by a foreigner too. I just said I won but they said it's not right.

It's won. They're saying the same thing. Yeah. Okay, make sense now. We got it now. Hey, I love you guys. I'll call you later, okay? I love you too.

Okay. Okay, bye-bye. Won. Won. I do think there's something to you being aligned with my father's horrible pronunciations. Now, anyways. I mean, look, I don't know, dude.

Oh, speaking of people. I won our competition. Speaking of people mispronouncing things and speaking with affects and accents. Oh yeah. Yeah. We have been enthralled, inspired. It's the best story of the last year.

We've been so into this Ilaria Baldwin story. If you don't know, it came about a week ago. Amy Schumer posted it. No, no, that's not what prompted it though. No, Amy posted her holding her baby. So that was just really about a joke about it's basically kind of like her body. Yeah.

Which she's beautiful. She's a yoga instructor. She's got great genetics. Yep. She's had five babies and she looks amazing. Yeah. And Amy just retweeted it and the joke was that she was saying it was her.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. But then a lady online posted, she goes, you know, it's pretty amazing. Ilaria Baldwin's decade long grift. Grift of pretending to be Spanish. But it was prompted because Ilaria responded

to the Amy Schumer joke and made a video. That's right, that's right. And in that video, she talks like a normal white girl. And so if you're confused right now, you should be. So what happened is Ilaria responds to the Schumer thing and goes, you know, like this is just, we shouldn't body shame and like it. But then the online blogger goes.

That's that. Hey, you know, she's been pretending to be Spanish. Which people are like, what are you talking about? Then it comes about, I love this story because as we've discussed, there really is, it is a harmless story. It's a victimless crime. It is.

But it's fascinating. It's fascinating. So what happened was the lady found that Alec Baldwin's wife Ilaria is actually named Hillary and she changed her own name like as an adult to Ilaria. And if you look at her, like what was her bio, it was like from Spain. Born in Mallorca is what it said on her bio.

It changed, it's now changed, they changed it. But originally she said, born in Mallorca, she's a Spanish woman. And then she said things in interviews like, I came to New York from Spain and I've loved it ever since. She claims to come to university at 19 and then never leave. She's like, I love Mallorca. And like implying that I came from Spain.

And then like, so they had, you know, a Spanish wedding and then all the kids' names are like super Spanish, like Carmen Lucía, Eduardo Pau, like all these very, very, very Spanish names. And you're like, okay, what's the Spanish lady? And then the lady pulled clips of Ilaria doing like press and speaking English with a Spanish accent. Not only that, but also even going as far

as having difficulty with English words. We have very few ingredients. We have tomatoes. We have, how do you say it, cucumber? Cucumbers. We have red pepper. How do you say- How do you say cucumber?

And you're like, wow. And then you go, so you heard that clip. And then this is also the same person. The same person who was just saying- We have very few ingredients. We have tomatoes. We have, how do you say it, cucumber? How do you say in English, cucumber?

So there's been some questions about where I'm born. I'm born in Boston. And then I spent some of my childhood in Boston, some of my childhood in Spain, my family, my brother, my parents, my nephew, everybody is over there in Spain. Now I'm here. And so there was like a lot of back and forth my entire life.

And I'm really lucky that I grew up speaking two languages. Yeah. So, and this thing, like it keeps unraveling. So there's other clips of her doing other press like interviews where she's like, yes, and like. So great. So I love it here. That's like you, because I was thinking about it.

You could do this. I actually have more credibility to do this. And I understand the appeal to a degree. I do too. You know, it's sexier. It's cooler to be like- Exotic. Exotic, foreign, speaking English with like,

because there's speaking English with a shitty accent. And then there's like, if you speak fluent English with a hint of a Spanish accent, it sounds good. It's cool. It's attractive, you know? Yeah. And like, who hasn't done a semester abroad? Yeah.

And you come, I remember when I studied in England for two semesters and I came back and I was like, cheers, mate, you know, you're a fucking asshole. Of course. You come back and everyone's annoyed with you. I remember so specifically that I flew back from, I studied in Madrid for a semester. And I flew back and the first thing we did was go

to a wedding in DC, all the cigarettes. It's like my family meeting my dad's, all his siblings and their children. So it was like a big thing. And I went, I was in DC and I was in the hotel. I remember I had this like cream colored suit and I was speaking to my mother in Spanish and I was correcting her because my Spanish

had improved to such a degree. Big first six months living there and hers had, hers actually, you know, it deteriorates because she's living in the United States. And like, I remember her being like, Jesus, your Spanish is better than mine. Like, I remember that, you know? But I wasn't like, how do you say this micropono

in English? A microphone. I was just like correcting her. Now, here's something that does happen if you're immersed in another language and culture for an extended period of time. You do do things like dream in that language. Like by the end of my semester,

I was dreaming in Spanish, instinctively answering the phone in Spanish. You know what I mean? Like, I wasn't, I was fully immersed. So sure, like, you know, coming off the plane, my brain was probably operating more in Spanish than in English. Yeah, for sure.

You were in it. You were in that country. I was fully in it. I mean, I'm writing, I'm at University of Madrid writing term papers in Spanish. You know, like all your conversations, I'm living with an old lady who doesn't speak English. Like, you're really, really in it.

I understand like, if in that moment, but if you're like, you live in the United States and you're like, how did me, eh, como se dice mano, hand? I have hands? Like that does not happen. It is so great. And especially because I have read every article

like the Daily Mail, The Page, The New York Times did a fucking 90 minute interview with her. But the neighbors all say, no, Hilary, it was her name. Yeah. And- Girls from high school. She's lovely in high school, but she is a hundred percent white girl from Boston.

And they're very wealthy. And we never heard of her spending an extended period of time in Spain or anything like that growing up. So it's just, it is fascinating. I totally, I get it. I get it too. I get it. And that's why it's a great story.

You know what it is? It's the also, like you've heard these stories where a person pretends to be, let's say rich, or a doctor, or you know, and you're like, why'd they do that? It's like, because they wanted you to perceive them as that. Yeah. You know, like I'm pretending to be from,

there's stories of people pretending to be from another family. Someone pretended to be a Rockefeller. Oh, wow. And you go, why? Well, it can make sense, right? Yeah, it's cool. He was fucking whatever Johnson, Dusty Johnson.

And then he was like, no, no, I'm Rockefeller. I know. And people treated him differently. And it was its own experience. And you go like, I mean, it adds up. She wants to be exotic. Of course. She wants to be special.

And she probably knows that it makes her husbands dick hard. Dick hard. Yeah. Well. Because that was one of the theories. That is one of the theories is that he was into Selma Hayek.

They're saying. So in 30 Rock, Selma Hayek had a three to six episode run. This was the theory that people were throwing online. And that he was at the time single and smitten with her. Like he just, he thought she was the best. He bought her like a couture gown that she wore to some advantage. She was like, I like bought me this

for doing like five episodes of surgery. And so, you know, and then he met her shortly thereafter and people were like, she knew that he was into her. I don't know. It's a theory, you know. It's a theory, but is Selma, isn't she from Mexico? But I mean, she speaks English with a heavy,

a beautiful, sexy accent like this. Well, she's from Mallorca. So I see the Castilean. It's different in the Castilean, I see. It's different. But yes, it's the same language, isn't it? It depends on where you speak. Different words, different actions,

but it's Castilean, it doesn't matter. I love it, it's so great. So she's taking a hiatus from Instagram right now. She got blown up and she's, I'm sure, I feel bad, I actually feel bad for her. I do too. Not badly. Not bad.

I feel bad for her. Because it is, like you said, a victimless crime. It is. It's silly, it's like, it sucks that she's gonna be ashamed for it. I don't want her to get horrifically ashamed. I don't either. I just think it's kind of,

it's actually endlessly fascinating and hilarious. It's hilarious. And I also think there's part of a shot and fried for me because I followed her on the gram long ago because she's one of these perfect moms, okay? She's one of these women who's like, I have five babies, I weigh 90 pounds. Here's me two days postpartum in a thong

and I look beautiful. And part of me is like, fuck you. But then you go, you know why she's athletic? She's in great shape. Muzzle, more power to you, you know. But part of me did get a little joy. I think that's why also the shitty person in me goes, oh, look who's not so perfect anymore.

Like I, the shitbag in me, I'm saying, enjoys a little. A part of me that, I understand that, I understand that. I like to see her get knocked down. Everybody likes that. I mean, people like to see me break my arm. Yeah. But.

You've brought so much joy. Here's the thing though, that about, about, that I feel bad for is, and no one's really talking about, when a regular citizen marries a celebrity and is thrown into the limelight, like I think that is a big factor in this story. Is that like you marry, and I don't know,

Oscar and Emmy and I don't know, he's probably won everything. You know, he's a phenomenal actor. He's very famous. And you go, I'm married to this person now, and you cultivate your own personality. Oh, that's interesting. Like what's special about me?

About me, because everybody wants to talk about this guy, that I'm around all the time. What do I have? Yeah. And it's like, you know, my personality, oh, what's my identity? Well, I speak Spanish, I spent time in Spain, and I see it kind of, kind of coming from that, you know?

This is an explanation about the mixing up words and stuff. So that was one thing. I think people ask sometimes about how I speak. I am that person that if I've been speaking a lot of Spanish, I, you know, time to mix them, and if I'm speaking more English, I, you know, I do a lot of English, then I mix that. Mm-hmm.

I don't know. Cucumbers. Cucumbers. Cucumbers. Cucumbers. How do you say it? Cucumber. I did it.

You did it? Is that what happened there? Cucumber. Cucumbers. That was all you. Oh. You just pushed it away. And I have to say, and Nadav, maybe,

I don't know if you experienced this growing up. I asked somebody that did grow up in like a totally foreign house. I think for me growing up, like, I didn't want to be different. I didn't want, I wanted to be American so much that, or at least a good European. You know what I mean?

Like, couldn't I have been like French or Italian? Right. Or German? Like, Hungarian is this obscure thing, and it wasn't cool at all. Nobody's like, oh, Hungarian, that's awesome. Stokes, yeah, I love that, yeah. I know, same thing for me, by the way.

I was like, my mom's from Peru, and they're like, like the little fucking Indian people, and they're like, all right. Yeah. Thanks, man. Nobody knows anything about Hungarians. Like, it's not glamorous. And I think when you do grow up different,

it's not the thing, like you, I just wanted to be like everybody else. So, I guess, yeah, I guess it's just interesting where you're like, oh yeah, but if you really do grow up different, it's not fun. It's like, you just want to hide that. You want to hide the fact that your mom, but Spain's a cool one.

That's a cool one. If you say, like, I mean, I remember being in school, and like a bunch of, everybody kind of identifies, I went to a small school when you have foreign parents. So, it was like kind of like the foreign parents crew, right? So, there's like, I mean, you just knew, like, this kid's parents are from China. Yes, totally.

This kid had parents from India. There was Persian parents. Then I had a friend who was, her mother was from Cuba. Her dad was Dominican. Then there was an Argentine kid, and I was like, Argentina is definitely cool. Yeah, you know what I mean? French, when the people are like, they're French.

That's like kind of the best. Italian? I wish you were Italian. Where are your parents from? Paris? Yeah, that's fucking rad, you know? Yeah. I was like, everyone I told, they're like,

oh, Machu Picchu, huh? Is your mom an Inca? And you're like, yeah, thanks. Yeah, it's not sexy or cool. No, I get it. And like, you know, my mom made me cow brains for dinner, and you're just like, I don't want anybody knowing that stuff.

Yeah, no, I know. So, it's funny to me, like, dude, you're lucky enough to be born, just like a regular white American rich girl, like, just do that, please, that's all I wanted, was just to be normal. So anyways, take it easy on Ellaria. I know, and I still love her,

and I hope she comes back to the Grams. I hope she comes back too, and how'd you say, como se dice, like, make posts? Videos, videos? Videos, I like videos. We gotta switch now to, we jumped over the injury parodies. This is all the joke stuff. There's been amazing memes.

If you go to my Instagram, I posted some screen grabs of some of the amazing stuff people have done, but the memes have been out of control, the videos. I can't open social media without seeing this injury a thousand times, like, I'm tagged, obviously, in everything everybody makes of it. Some of it's really funny.

So here's a, this was Mr. Clavicles made this one, he's been doing a ton of stuff. Oh! You okay? You okay? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, he's armed, he's armed. If you're, if you're listening,

I won. Mr. Clavicles. If you're listening, all that audio was over the Asian garage car guy. Jesus Christ. Mr. Clavicle. Here's another one. Did we make, I don't know which ones we made.

The rest of these we made. We did? Okay, here's another one. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! That's good. That was great. That's a great one. Here's another one. Oh, same, different angle.

Here's the crane fall guy. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh, boy. Woo! Okay. Here's the, oh, fall through the floor. Remember this guy? Yep. He's a fine.

I remember this guy. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

I don't know if I'm supposed to laugh at all of this. Oh, yeah. This one I found out I was wrong on. What's that? Well, I'll tell you in a second. I just don't understand. Ah! Ah!

So, I thought that guy was fine. That fell right there. He's not. You know? How not fine is he? No longer with us. Yeah. Yeah.

I still don't understand how he got. Well, I don't understand how he got hit by a blade. Which part don't you understand? I don't see, like, it doesn't seem like the blade. Is there like a front rotor on that thing? Like, how is that blade hitting him? I feel like probably what happened was maybe some ice.

Like, all it takes is, like, I've seen things where it's like, people tape a penny to a helicopter blade, and as it's going, it like spins everything out of control. Like, the tiniest imbalance will cause it to like, Well, also, if you've ever gotten into a helicopter, they tell you to crouch down. Well, of course. Severely, because it's an optical,

I think an optical illusion, no? Like, how fast the propellers are, it's misleading how much height you have. So that guy was like a beloved guy. He ran a tequila company, and he's just totally dead now. Shit. Give it to me, Mark.

Yeah? Yeah. Oh, I can feel it. Mmm. Oh, that's gonna be good. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. I like that one. That was good. I like that one. That was a good one. Good Leo one? I miss him. Uh oh. Oh.

Oh, no, not this one. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

That's fucked up. That's fucked up, man. You made that? I mean, you know, me and Zola brainstormed on some of these ideas. That was a good one. You guys are damaged. You are beyond.

Well, that's the whole thing about, like, with this whole injury thing. I think I'm more okay with seeing these injuries now. Yeah. You've seen it so many times now, too. Yeah. I barely have to look away anymore. Yeah.

That's cool. Wow. That is a good thing. I'm so happy for you. Oh, yeah. I can't. Oh, God. I broke my leg, dude.

Hey. I know. Uh oh. Same. Oh, God. I broke my leg. Okay. And then there's one more.

This one you can watch. I promise. Ready? Yeah, do me in here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna come now.

I'm gonna come now. I'm coming. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I miss him.

I love him when he comes. I didn't notice he has a snowflake around his neck. Wow. You just picked up on that. Yeah. I didn't see that. Pretty cool. Yeah.

The memes, the videos, like I said, I screen grabbed a few. I put them on my Instagram through the NBA 2K1, the Iverson one, the Stand By Me one. Oh, I like that one. The Jurassic Park one. So funny. So, so good.

Let me see here. There's so many things here. This is horrible or hilarious. Can I go piss real quick? Okay. You wanna give me the bucket? Yeah, we went pee. Are you so jealous of my cool sweatshirt?

It's fucking really cool. It's really cool. It actually had us thinking because when we saw it came in, I got super jealous and we were talking with the staff like, man, you know, it's not fair. Christina's got a cool Queen Above 18 thing. Kind of when it made us go down memory lane

of like the king's, you know, stuff. Yeah. Like those videos, like learning about him. Because when we first learned about him, just as a boob guy. Right. A lot of people don't remember that it's evolved. Like this is how we actually first came to know this guy.

Good morning, ladies. It's six o'clock in the morning. It's time to go to work. Get up and let them boops hang. Come on, make some videos right when you get out of bed before you put that bra on. You have a wonderful day, girls. Can I tell you something?

In my opinion, that's the best video he's made. I agree. It was pure. It was very pure. The intent was clear. And it's like, I'm a truck driver. Yep. It's early.

Yep. I love tits with no bra. Yeah. That's what this video. This was actually what I was saying. I think a week or so ago, or last time I recorded with you about how like that's the video he should be putting out. I agree, Tom, because it's a genuine plea.

It's his earnest wish. And it's not this convoluted thing of, I'm your boyfriend, let's role play and... Well, let's get there. The first impulse is often the correct one. Exactly. Very nice boobs. You guys keep it up.

I love the videos of the no bra ones. You guys have a good day. Very beautiful women. Still in that lane. And you'll notice he didn't put on the disclaimer above 18. Not yet. It's not there yet. So something happened in between this.

Good afternoon, my queen's above 18. That right here, he's like... We got a mock-up shirt that we done with a marker just to show you what it's gonna look like. Who's this nice lady? These are the muscle shirts. She's definitely above 18. And it's gonna say queen's above 18

when the printer prints them. We just took a marker and marked on them. We got that part. It's gonna say queen's above 18, but we're just having fun with it. So we threw a smiley face. A smiley face. You have a wonderful night and enjoy the video.

And she's gonna start laughing here in a minute. There she goes. You guys have a wonderful night. This is what the muscle shirt's gonna look like. We got it. Jesus. But it's gonna be professionally done. We're just having fun tonight.

You guys have a lovely night. Thank you. The queen's above 18. God, wrap it up. Good night, queens. Now it is cool to see, you see the original, and then now you get to see the finished product. The finished product, totally different.

I mean, you can see how the concept of all this. You see the idea, yeah. I also, I'm like, does she seem so happy? I wonder if she loves the queen. I'm wondering what their relationship is. Cause she also is willing to like model the shirt for him. The muscle shirt. Right, with the boobs out.

Wow. I mean, do you think they're lovers? I don't know. Do you think they're just neighbors? I don't know. I'm curious. I'm very curious. More my queens above 18.

I have got a very special request going out. This video is the very, very, very request, very special. It's going out to a queen above 18. She just turned 50 years old. And she had a good game in golf. Par four. Oh my goodness, that's amazing. I don't know anything or how that works.

I'm not into the golfing or anything like that, but par four, four strokes, that's pretty good. You guys need to get on my page and wish Christine a very, very happy birthday. She just turned 50. He said this. And a good job. My queens above 18, the king loves you.

His videos do drag. So you're totally right that they've started off like boobs nice, those videos come in and then he's like, hey, hey, hey, who's over 18? So something happened. There was definitely. I'm gonna guess, this is just what I know about TikTok. I'm gonna guess somebody on the talk reported him.

And they're like, hey, there's this weird guy out there just asking for boob pics and he's gonna have, you know, minors might do it. And then he probably got like pulled down from the talk or something. I don't think it was probably that far. I think it was probably more like somebody saying, you should make a real clear distinction.

Between. You ask for these boob pics and stuff that you're asking it from people over it. And he was probably like, yeah, of course. And then it got freaked out. Because I don't think the king's intent was ever to ask for boob pics from minors. Well, I'll just tell you right now from me,

I prefer way above 18. And if you're gonna send me nice pics of you with your boobs just hanging, be above fucking 28, you know? 28. Go above that. Queens above 28? Yeah, for me, I don't want an 18 year old child to me. That is creep salad.

Hey, Queens above 30. You like them hanging and purple and mushy. You're like Queens after childbirth only. Wait, also what I really like about this video is I know that he's for that too. I know that he's a truck driver and so he's using his spare time, which is really resourceful and really cool.

But maybe choose an area of the parking lot where semis aren't backing up and you can hear the constant beeping. He's a busy guy, man, what do you want to do? Evening, my kings and queens above 18. And then incorporate the kings now. This video right here goes out to a very special queen above 18.

Christine from mom's house. Christine, I still love you. I know that you didn't mean what you said. You just said it, not even thinking. What'd you say? I'd say you need to let me take you out on a date and take you to dinner and show you the real king. Show you how I am and show you what I'm all about.

What's the squeaking? And you might let me. You let me know if I can do that. I would be glad to do that. You have a beautiful night, my queen. You are beautiful. I'm going to make you my queen of the year. I don't want to be.

Tom, you take care of that queen over there. I love you, my queen above 18. Wouldn't it be crazy if that's who you ended up with though? No, I don't mean like instead of me, I mean after me. What if you're like. You pass? No, you're just like, I want to see what else is out there. And I'm like, what?

And then I just don't see you for like a few months. And then you just pop up and you're like, hey, I'm living with my new husband now. We don't even know his name. What? And you're like, yeah, I went out with him and it turns out he was great. And so now I live with him.

I live in Ohio. What's his name? I don't know. Do we know his name? Mike? Steve. Steve. It's a Steve.

And you're like, it's just me and Steve now. I'm like, babe, what the fuck? And you're like, I just moved on. I'll be like, you don't get it. Steve, first of all, pays a lot of more attention to me. He cares about me. He calls me his queen. Takes me out to nice dinners all the time.

Sometimes we go to Chili's. They did tell me you wanted better nicknames. Like a couple of weeks ago, remember? I don't remember. You're like, can I get some better pet names? Well, because you call me farts all the time. Yeah. You're like, hey farts.

Titsloppers. Titslopp, yeah, sloppers. Yeah. Yeah, could you not call me like? Yeah, that's true. All your nicknames for me are just demeaning and mean. Funny thing it is, farts. Yeah, sloppy.

Get your big sloppy tits over here. You always say that to me. Your dumpy flat wagons, dumpers. Ah. But you know what I do like about him, too, is that he travels a lot. So I could probably drive around with him, see the country. Let's see what this is real quick.

Hey, what's up, man? I'm told to be recorded like this because I told you. Yeah, I told you. I told you when I walked up here. You've been coming up here over and over and over. Yeah. Please not to work on my road. Listen, this is a free road.

And then today, you were here again. I came up to you and I said, I am not OK with you farts here. If you're recording me. I would appreciate it. I mean, you said you wouldn't record me. Well, you go ahead and do what you want. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah. Listen, I'm going to go make a police report on you, OK? I'm going to make a police report on me. I feel like this is you and me arguing. Now I'm recording you because you're in my face again for the third time today. God, he's such a menace. You're doing down there, OK?

Well, then you should stay off the tweak, OK? That's a good point. If you're on the tweak, I'm not. I don't care, OK? I'm not out to even do nothing. I'm loading my information. Listen, listen, I'm loading my information. Just do whatever you want.

You want to film my car? Go ahead. Yeah. That was just a little. I had to get it in. Yeah. Fat smoker. Oh, I know who it is.

You don't have to tell me. Oh, I get it. But then something happened to the king. We'll go back to the king. Oh, OK. He wanted to take you out on a date. All of a sudden, the King Challenge went away. Good evening, my kings and queens above 18.

I am going to withdraw the King Challenge. Remember this? This was huge news. Huge. There's a lot of haters out there that's got their little pussies up in a bind. And they're acting like little whining or crybabies. Yeah.

If you are 18 and above, you are allowed on my page. There you go. If you are 18 and below, you are not allowed on my page. I don't care ifs and buts about it. If I find you on my page and you're under 18, I'm going to delete you. You might slide by a couple times and tell me you're 18. But once I find out, I'm deleting you.

That's what happened. Simple as that. You guys are the biggest crybabies on the earth. I swear to God, my queens above 18, I love you all. Some one snuck in there. He started a little dialogue with someone that he wasn't supposed to. But then you were right, though, that.

Good evening, my kings and queens above 18. It ain't that I'm ignoring you. I cannot post anything on my page or answer any of your questions. That talk will suspend you fast. They said I was violated or something like that that I can't post anything. Hell, I didn't even get a dinner or a thank you. Damn, and they violated me.

Wow. At least I didn't feel it. All right, my queens. He tagged it. You guys have a beautiful Thanksgiving, and I will be back probably Wednesday. What is it? I love my queens above 18.

Wrap it up. My kings, you take care of my queens while I'm gone. Okey-dokey, bye-bye now, Steve. Hang up the phone, Steve. And hold a high honor. Oh my god. You take care of the kingdom while I'm gone. You guys have a beautiful night.

I love my kings above 18. And where is he reporting from now? What is this? To the cool room. His energy is so low, too. You think he'd be more stoked. Yeah, yeah. That one, poof, man.

We had TikTok? Well, suspend your ass. That's why you see a lot of these people disappear, and then they open up a new account with a new username and everything. It happens quite frequently to the lunatics that I follow. Then he debuted the goods I'm super jealous of now. Good evening, my kings and queens above 18.

All right, this is what you guys have been asking for in a sweatsuit. Kings and queens above 18. You got the hoodie. The hoodie? And you've got the pair of pants. I got the pants, too, just so you know. But again, it's a really easy process.

You just email him, and then he writes back to you. And then you go over your size, your credit card information, your address. Kind of double check it, triple check it. Get to open up a Venmo account and a PayPal. Send him that. You might get the payment. Make sure that the sizes are right.

Give me your address again, and I'll email you back. It's easy. Easy process, guys. Yeah. Five weeks later, I got my cool sweatshirt. Ah, yeah. Your gels. This video goes out to the Christine of your mom's house.

Oh, he said our podcast came in. I watched the show, thank you. You're welcome. I love the show. Sweet. So when are you gonna let me take you out? Yeah. What the fuck?

Well, here's the deal, is that he doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage. If he respects the sanctity of kings and queens. He does. He wants to take me out on a date, babe. I don't date other guys. I haven't dated other guys in a million years. Yeah, but I mean, he just wants to take you out to dinner.

It's not that crazy. You want me to go on a date with the king? Yes. Dinner? What's wrong with dinner? You can have dinner with people? God. You can't have dinner?

All right, I'll go out to dinner with him. All right. Let's see. That's what I'm talking about. All right, boy, where does he live? I gotta go fly out. To Ohio. He's in Ohio?

Yeah. I love Ohio. I'll book a gig. That's what I'm saying. You know, maybe in the summer, right? Things get better. If he's still interested, I don't want to lose his interest.

I think he'll take you out to dinner. I gotta get out there. If one thing leads to another, I mean, I don't know. I don't know if like the next morning, you're going to be getting this front and center. Good morning, my queen's above 18. Wow.

Come on, open MIs up. I got your breakfast. Open MIs up. Coffee's on. Breakfast is on. Come on. You gotta go to work. This is the night after your date.

There you go. There you go. Catch your flight, Christine. I just love my queen's above 18. Oh, man. You are gorgeous. That is so sexy. Turned on.

All right. I am feeling him. You're feeling it, right? You know what I like too, is like he's taunting you, like he kind of wiggles back and forth. He's like, oh, I'm just a playful bear. He's playing with you.

He's playing with you. Yeah. What's this? Good morning, my queen's above 18. Let me just move this off your face. Yeah, just, okay. Good morning. What's that?

Let me just pull it out of your mouth real quick. Oh, it's wet. Nice. Did you sleep well? My slept great. Coffee's on. Gotta get ready for work. You're so beautiful.

What? Your arms are numb. It's because they're tied to the bed, silly. No, I'll feed you. Yeah, I hope you have a great day. Okay. That's very funny. This is awesome.

That was submitted by Kyle O'Brien of the That's Not Funny podcast. And he's a huge mommy. So shout out, Kyle. Yeah, if you want to send in your own, email it to yourmomspodcast at gmail.com, no house. Yourmomspodcast at gmail.com. Subject line should be POV King.

So that we can easily find it. Let's have some fun with it. Let's have some fun with it. And also, if you don't mind, let your boobs hang. You know, the Queen likes those videos. The POV is when it went a whole new direction creatively for the King. By the way, I'm super jealous

that you have King, Queen, Merch. People have been so funny. They've been asking about injury, Merch, and suggesting stuff. And I'm like, I don't know if you've seen what we have. If you go to store.ymhstudios.com, we have some pretty epic new Merch. That was designed by Johnny Pemberton.

So funny. It's the Air Segura logo with a broken arm and broken leg. It's a hot item. It's great. People are really, really liking it. Johnny Pemberton. If you go back there, there's that. That was designed by Cam at Canvas Design.

He did the two bears one cave official logo of me falling in the air. I love it. That one's fantastic. I love the caricature one to the left there. That one, because that's a T-shirt that used to be really popular in the 90s, would be NBA players,

and they'd always have a shit-eating grin on. They'd be dunking and they'd do a little caricature. So it says, dunk champ, and I'm in a wheelchair. It's a big grin. Anyways, all those are at the store. The store has things broken down from, oh yeah, there's a photo of me on the dunk champ mug. Broken down into different shows

and you can see all the stuff there. It's a new site, ymhstudios.com. The store is store.ymhstudios.com. Any hoodles, back to this. We actually have, you know who we lost touch with, right? Oh, I know. It was a while ago. Imagine a pig with tits.

Norm Summerton. Norm Summerton. He took himself offline. He went through a phase of, what's the word? Yeah, punished self-flagellation. Yeah, he was just totally gone and we reached out to people that know him and they're like, he's kind of withdrawn right now.

And then he came back. Thank God. Good morning, pigs. It's pig Norm and Summerton. My mistress friend from upstairs is left. Yeah, it's new. Or has cut her ashes from her cigarettes as I use them as a space on my cooking,

while I'm cooking my meat. But I also make sure I clean her ashtray after she leaves. With my tongue, of course. Oh, he's back. Mm-hmm. He is back. She can't have a dirty ashtray when she comes down.

No, of course not. That's right. Jesus Christ. Now, what are these ladybugs on his eyebrows now? That's a new tattoo. That's new to me. Yeah, what are those in between the eyes, you guys? Are those ladybugs or?

Grotums or something? Maybe pig snouts. You know what I like? Oh, pig snouts. You know what I like when he says, good morning, pigs. Yeah. That's kind of neat.

That's a nice way. Like, good morning, pigs. You know, like the king's halfway there with his phrasing. He doesn't really have it. But good morning, pigs. Hello, pigs. It's pig Norm and Summerton. Hi.

He's down a pint of pain, so he's gonna strap himself. And here we go. Mm. Mm. Mm. He's got a danglin' hog. He's got something on his peener again.

Is it the penis cage? Yeah. Yeah. It's actually a little different than a cage. What is that? He's got a lock on it. Oh. Hello, this is pig Norm and Summerton.

Well, as you all know, I am a pig. And pigs like to eat pig slop. And I am no different. Oh. So what I'm doing today is I'm preparing myself with these lovely little jewels. Mm-hmm. Ahem.

Hot dogs. Chicken hot dogs, actually. That's healthier. And I just pissed into this container. So it has fresh piss right now. So my preparation process is to put these dogs into my piss and leave them there for hours. Oh boy.

Like, pickling the hot dogs in his piss. So that when I cook them up, they will be properly flavored with my own pig piss as is appropriate. So there we are. So now I have my chicken dogs resting in the preparation of pig piss. I'll have it later on tonight for supper.

Neat. That's a cool video. I like how he says, I'll have it later tonight for supper. For supper. Ah, I've never heard of this before. And some photos. Oh, geez.

This pig slop, bull. This lady, I guess, is that a mistress? Yeah. Yeah, that's his new mistress. She's very pretty. Yeah. So he, I guess maybe he licks her ashtrays and stuff. Yep, keeps them clean.

Yeah, yeah. Why don't you read the third paragraph? Go ahead, Tom. She's revolting. Oh, sorry. Sex for this. Read it. Just read it.

No, I need my glasses. Oh, here. No, your glasses are right there. You go ahead. You read it. No, you read it. You read it. It's right, your glasses are right there.

It should be written, it should be read by a woman. This is her speaking. No, I think you should read it. Yeah, it is. You're the, you go ahead. Put your glasses on. No, you get it. You got them on already.

You can't see them far. It's far. It's right there. Okay. Ready? No, let's start there. No superior woman would ever be so desperate as to fuck this pathetic moron.

Have you looked at its laughably tiny pigtail? Let us face it, ladies. Anything less than four inches is not a cock. It is a cunt, ha, ha, ha. Here it goes. Sex for this retarded faggot. Cock-sucking loser is limited to sucking other male pig creatures' cocks

and swallows their disgusting pig poo. Oh, and jerking off to internet porn. Wow, he really likes to be demeaned. He does. He loves it. Goodness. And that just makes him hard, right? Pig goo, by the way, not poo.

Oh, see, well, if you want to read it. No, no, you got it. No, you should read it. You're good. Go. That's so hard to read because I really like Norm and I know he enjoys this kind of language. He loves it.

But I like, I really like him. So I don't want, I don't want to call him names, you know? Yeah. Geez. Nope. Pig slop. Pig slop, pig bowl. Oh, there's his dong, permanently locked.

Oh, his dick got locked, hilarious. He loves it, man. He loves it. Oh, I think he got panties tattooed on around his dong. Is that neat, too? I'd like to meet the mistress. Yeah. She seems cool.

Oh. Pig seek, cock. Wow. Humans are just fascinating, aren't they? Yes, if you, how do you say in English? Eh. How do you say, psychology? Yeah, it's very interesting.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad he's back in action. I do think this is, this is what he enjoys, so. Yeah. But I understand that the self, the repentance phase is part of this whole cycle, right? It's a cycle. Like he acts out and he feels bad.

He's like deeply immersed in his like kinks and that whole BDSM world that he's very into. And then I think he gets shamed, goes away, withdraws, comes back. Yeah, fascinating. Yeah, all the emotions that come with it. Yeah. Huh.

We've been watching the new season of 90 Day Fiancé. Oh my God. That's a can't miss show. This is a really good season. Season to season, it changes. Sometimes you get, you know, good couples. Sometimes this is really good. This one's really great, mostly because the majority

of them are from the Ukraine, the women. And Ukraine bitches do not play. The new season is the 20, yeah, this is, oh man. And the funny thing is like, you can see immediately, you're like, this is not gonna work. No. Right away for some of these, you know? Right away.

It's just. My favorite one, so there's a few. So they're all horrible scenarios. These bachelors, you need the new season of 90 Day Fiancé. The thing is, is that all of these bachelors have horribly undesirable home lives. Yeah. It's really interesting.

There's not a winner in the bunch. So when you watch the show, the whole time we're like, gosh, which one of these awful scenarios would I be willing to endure to come to the U.S. and A? There's not a lot. This is really rough. My favorite is there's this drunk guy who lives near Bourbon Street.

Yeah, yeah. He's in New Orleans, right? He's like a 30 year old guy. He's a partier. He likes to party. He just drinks. He likes to party, yeah. And she spends 30 hours flying from Ukraine.

And he put her on like shittier flights because they were cheaper. So she's flying economy. Yeah, she's like, I had to fly to this place. To Doha and then to like in Beijing or whatever. She's 25, very pretty. Yeah. Bitchy, you can tell she's got attitude, right?

Yeah, they all have a lot of lip filler too. By the time they're 25, like full filler in the lip. She's got a lot of attitude. She gets there. He's like, you ready to go out? Yeah, we're going to go party. He's like, I want to show you Bourbon Street. She's like, I just got a 30 hours flight.

Yeah, no. She's like, I want to go to bed. He's like, really? You don't want to go out? See the place? She's like, can we sleep tonight? Right away, I was like, this dude, how could you not understand that someone's tired?

Not only that someone's tired, but if you're a 30-year-old male, isn't the priority getting laid at that point? The thing that you can dump in just arrived. You don't want to take that for a ride? I mean, I was watching the show like, you're going to fuck her right now, right? Right.

That's what I was thinking. And then she walks out in her little panty shorts. And he's like, let's go out. Let's go drink. She's like, let's go to bed. But he wanted. I'm looking at her like, get in there, dude. What are you doing?

Get in there. And look, even if you don't want to marry her, which at this point, he's not going to marry her probably, like at least dump clips in her for the next 90 days. Enjoy your fuck. And then send her back to Keown. I didn't understand how he wasn't like, let's stay in here for a couple of days.

And bang. Yeah. That's what you do at that age. Let me empty this thing out. They should, the next scene should be him opening his front door being like, I'm out of cum. I have none left. How'd you say?

I don't have a third ball. I can't make anymore. But it really is a testament to his severe alcoholism. Yeah. That's the thing. He's just one. And then the next day, so she's like, all right, he's like, let's go to Bourbon Street.

And he walks her down Bourbon Street, like in the middle of the day, drinking. He's like, and it's awesome, you can drink everywhere here. No, she at first, she goes. She's like, it's revolting. She goes, she goes, people can just drink on the streets. And he's like, yeah, it's fantastic. He's like, great.

Dude, even in the Ukraine, we don't let this shit out. She's like, it smells here. Which if you've been to Bourbon Street, you know that's true, right? It's like Bourbon Street is for partying. It's like a smaller Vegas strip that you can just walk down. It's just packed with people. It smells like piss and puke.

You're lucky if it's not a hot day. I mean, it's just what it is. It's like a Key West. You walk around, you're like, this is fucking just, people are just drinking, drinking, puking, and pissing. I mentioned what Tijuana is like, like, hey man, we got a Senior Frogs. I mean, it's just, yeah, it's just bullshit, yeah.

It's like Vegas too, like you said. Hey man, I got this book in the yard. And there's like a time and a place for that if you want it. I did a New Year's there, God, like 2002. I spent New Year in New Orleans and on Bourbon Street. I mean, it's chaotic. It felt like, you know, it's what you do when you're 22, I guess, you know?

Yeah, I gotta tell you, as a 44-year-old woman, I have zero interest. Fuck no, I don't want to go there at all. I don't want to go to any of those things. But I mean, what I enjoyed the most was his pride in it and her disdain for it. Because he was like, I want to show you something. And then she was like, this sucks.

She's like, no, no, she goes, she goes, I didn't expect USA to be perfect sparkling, but this is disgusting. She goes, Ukraine is cleaner than this. Yeah, she couldn't believe it. I was like, damn. And he's like, he's like really defensive. So anything, like if she's like, this is gross.

He's like, better than your fucking country. Yeah, that was great too. God, this is not going to work out, dude. He doesn't bite his tongue ever. Well, and also, so he's like, I want you to meet my mom because we're going to get married. And he's like, what we do out here, because my mom lives kind of far out in the sticks

is we spend the night at the person's house. She was like, nope, I'm not spending night at mother's house. We spend night at my place. He's like, no, no, no, like she has an extra bedroom. We spend the night there. And she was like, no, I don't want this. Don't spend night in this other person's house.

It's your future mother-in-law. And he was like, no, no, no, like it's a far drive. So we'll spend the night and we'll come back. And she was like, I would not do this. And then there's this other Ukrainian hoe that comes out here. She's an asshole, though. This one.

That one's worse. This one. And so there's this nice guy. Never happy. Never, sour plus, you know what I'm talking about? Nothing pleases her. No. And so this guy lives out in the sticks in Washington.

He's actually really nice. I think he's the most together of the guys. But he lives with his uncle slash cousin, Bo. Yeah, he's my uncle Bo, but he's really my cousin. Yeah. What? Bo's got like, not a lot of teeth. He's an alcoholic.

Yeah, yeah. And things haven't worked out for him. Yeah. Probably got mental problems. So she's like, I don't want to live with Uncle Bo, obviously. I mean, who the fuck does? There he is.

There's Uncle Bo. There's Uncle Bo. God, it's such a good show. There's Uncle Bo. There he is. And he's sweet. And you see the picture there of the three. So that's the Ukrainian chick.

That's the nice sweet guy. And there's Uncle Bo. And the sweet guy goes, yeah, my uncle Bo lives with me. She was like, this needs to not happen. Yeah, no way. This changes. I arrive, I don't want Uncle Bo. Well, would you want to live with Uncle Bo?

No, it was actually one of the smart things that, one of the few things I agree with her on. Same. Was to not have Uncle Bo. Fuck, could you imagine she's getting out of the shower and she's in our towel and Uncle Bo is there staring at you. That's disgusting.

And then Uncle Bo's like, I accidentally grabbed her tits. Yeah, Uncle Bo's crazy. Yeah. But the one thing I didn't really, really put it over the top for me is when he shows up and he brings her flowers. Yeah. And she does it.

Her fiancee. Her fiancee shows up at the airport, brings flowers. She doesn't like them because she doesn't like purple flowers. She's like, that's crazy. Yeah. Who says that? And then she's like, it's cold. Like she's mad that it's cold in his place.

And he's like, well. But you live in Russia. It's winter. It's, I'm in the sticks in Washington and it's cold out. So it's cold in here. And she's like, so cold. So I don't like it. He's like, but you just came from the Ukraine.

Yeah. It's cold there too. It's cold as fuck there too. Yeah. Anyway, it's such a great show. The season's impeccable. If you ever want to get on board the show, the time is now.

We also got into franchises. Started with the children, you know, getting them into Harry Potter. Then I came, finally was released from our basement, come upstairs. That's right. It was right around Christmas. So I bought the diehard pack.

The original diehard is of course a great Christmas movie. And then it has all the other ones. The third one's good. The last one's terrible. Terrible. Even going through that franchise. Which is so fun because I forgot how much I love Bruce Willis and how handsome he is.

He's great. He's so great. And then. And I like that the villains are German, which is kind of a throwback. Cause you don't see many German villains in this day and age. Usually they're Middle Eastern now. Always.

But the German ones are fantastic. That was so dumb. So fantastic. And then we got through that. Then we went to the Born franchise. That's right. We'll skip the Jeremy Renner one, but we're watching the other ones.

And I don't know, the third one last night we watched, not the best one. Definitely not. I don't like the shaky camera thing. That's Paul Greengrass. He does a lot of that shit, man. I don't need that. He overdoes it.

With the handheld fucking, you feel like you're gonna throw up on some of these scenes. I'm having epilepsy in the middle. That's one of his calling cards. I hate it. Well, because it creates a sense of false urgency, but the whole movie is urgent. It makes you turn your head.

I mean, the other thing that's funny is if you watch movies like this, like a franchise like that, back to back to back, you're like, oh, this is like the same scene 40 times. Yeah. That's what I feel. Cause last night was the third one. That's true.

And they were just like, fuck. Born took everybody out. Like, you're like, what's happened 30 times? Or my favorite was when they're in the control room. They're like, get an angle on him. Get him, someone get eyes on him. Where do we, what happened? And they're like, everyone's dead.

They're like, oh shit. He's getting in the subway. Get eyes on him. Why can't I hear this? Let's go. Let's go, let's go. Come on, team. Yeah.

What happened? They're like, born killed everybody. And so now we're gonna get into Tukin. Taken, Tukin part two. Taken, Taken two and Tukin, the Tukin franchise. Yeah. But you know what I like about the born? By the way, he's like 62 in the first one.

Is he Liam Neeson? Yeah. And then he and Denzel are doing huge action movies in their 60s now. It's amazing. How much work that did. He's 68 now. It's crazy.

It's crazy. How old is Denzel? Denzel has a new one coming out. I just saw a trailer for it. He just, he's 66 years old. It's exhausting. They're senior citizens and they're like, I'm fucking everybody out.

Yeah. And they're great at it. They're great. The movies are great. You know what I loved is the Sam Jackson one, The Die Hard. Oh, that's the third one. He's fantastic in that.

That was amazing. That's like when he had exploded on the, cause that's right after Pulp Fiction, I believe. Yeah. And so like, you know, Pulp Fiction's like the biggest fucking movie of the decade. And everybody, I mean, people knew Sam Jackson as like a character actor and now he was like.

Oh, so funny. You know, a star. And also too, I forgot that iconic outfit that he has in the first Die Hard. The wife beater. Yeah. And you pointed out that I go, you know, the thing is his build in it,

he has like a, it's a very normal build. It's not like Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Or even Matt Damon. Yeah. Where they're more jacked. Yeah. Bruce Willis just looks like just healthy. Yeah.

He looked great. But you're like, that's what, that's desirable. It's so, I'll tell you, as a, as a, as a lady viewer, I really liked him in the first Die Hard. Cause like, yeah, he looks like a guy who's just a, he's in shape. He looks like a regular. He's not neglecting himself.

He looks like a normal guy. He's in, he's a normal above normal looking, right? Yeah. He's an excessively handsome guy. He kind of reminds me of you. He's got your little bad attitude. I could see you doing stuff like that. He's, he's your type.

Shooting up a building? Yeah. John McClane. And he's got an, I just liked him. I liked, I liked all these silly movies. And what I like about Jason Bourne, I liked that he's kind of a regular looking guy. He seems, he's a very, you know what the funny thing is?

You, you're watching it and they push in and you're like, it's Matt Damon, that's Jason Bourne. Anytime there's a wide shot with a crowd, you're like, oh, he just seems like a normal white guy. Yeah. Like he just doesn't, it doesn't, he doesn't stand out. Yeah.

He kind of blends in, which is great for the character. Which is as a spy, I guess, perfect. Yeah. And he's really jacked in that first born movie. Jesus. What he is, is he's really thin in that movie. Yeah, looks great. I, you know, I went to his 40th birthday party.

I remember that. That's the weirdest fucking thing that's, one of the weirdest things that's ever happened to me is I did a show at the Hollywood Improv and I did a 15 minute set, had a great set. Just one of those lucky, just great sets, you know? Like where you just, sometimes you get off stage and you're like, huh?

And sometimes it's great. And I go into the bathroom to take a leak and as I'm taking a leak, there's somebody like, standing by the sink and he goes, thank you. And I turn and I go, for what? And he goes, for that set. And I turn again and it's Matt Damon, right? And then I go, I go, oh, I go, well, you just said thank you.

I didn't know what the hell this, what was it was about, you know? And he goes, no, that set was great, man. So I finished peeing and I got, and then I recognized. Wait a minute. He's talked to you with your dick in your hand? Mm-hmm. Were you at a urinal?

I'm at a urinal and he's, he's over by the sink. Oh, hilarious. But he's not looking at your dick. No, no, he's just over there. And I go, oh, well, you just said thank you. I didn't know what, thank you, what it was for. He's like, look at that set, man. That was so funny.

Thanks for that dick. So then I go wash my hands. I keep talking to him briefly and I'm like, well, yeah, man, appreciate it and blah, blah, blah. Then I go outside and I'm standing in the parking lot and like the, the improv parking lot, you know? Which like goes, like at the time you could park and then walk into the side room.

So there's a, there's, it's full. There's 300 or some people out there. And I'm talking to Tom Papa. So Tom Papa, blah, blah, blah, blah. We're just catching up. Matt Damon walks over. Matt Damon at the time is executive producing a show for Tom Papa.

So I'm like just talking to him and he keeps talking about certain jokes I was telling. And he goes, well, we're going to go have dinner over here. Do you want to come? And I was like, nah. I was like, nah, I'm just going to go home. And then I kind of just stop and think about it.

I was like, no, no, no, you know what? I will come. I don't know why. I just was like, I will come. So then I go across the street and it's Matt. And then John Krasinski shows up with Emily Blunt. Love her. And Matt Damon's like, this is Tom.

He's a fucking hilarious comedian. And then John's like, oh. You are you? Yeah. He's like, that's cool. And I was like, yeah, I don't know. And then Matt Damon's wife was there. And then.

Who's he married to? She's not an actor. She's a regular person. Oh, that's so cool that he married a regular lady. She has a Latin last name. I love it. I love it. Luciana.

Maybe she's Italian or she's from another country. I don't know. Was he so Matt Damon, what did he order for dinner? Was it mustache cafe? No, it was like, I forget the name of it, but they ordered like share plates. Like 50 share plates. Yep.

And then other people showed up and I remember I saw somebody else there and I was like, this is crazy that we're sitting at Matt Damon's birthday party. And the person I was looking at went like this. I was like, okay. But he was nice to you. He was nice.

I left before anybody because I had like. It's so uncomfortable. Yeah. I was like, what am I gonna fucking add to this? I know the thing is. Because it's like, it's one of those tables that has 25 people at it. And I'm here.

The only person that I've actually spoken to or know is Papa. He's a few seats down. Matt's down there. Krasinski's here. And I'm like, you know, I eat a few bites and then I'm like, I think I should get going, you know? Well, it's true because you think like,

oh, it'd be so cool to hang out with. Yeah, yeah. And then I actually was like did the thing where I was like, thanks so much. I mean, I made like the earliest departure because I was like, I don't know what I'm gonna do here. Because at the end of the day, there are just people and you're not really friends with them.

And you kind of have a familiarity because you've seen him in movies. Yeah, I wanna pull a chair up and be like, dude, let's talk about born. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And also I wish there's a Jason Bourne school I could go to to learn all the cool stuff that he did, you know, at the Timothy Treadstone Treadwell school.

There is, by the way, there is a school. Well, there's this thing called the CIA and they hire people. And then there's also Jiu Jitsu schools. And you could go to those. But yeah, cause I wanna know the secret shit where he's like, you know, when he's with the German girl in the first movie and he's like,

how do I know that in the parking lot, I know the license plates of seven cars. How do I know that that exit is there? And how do I know that that guy weighs this much and then I could take him down? Like that's the information I want to know. Just training, that's all training. You can just, you gotta get trained.

Yeah, I like how we know that. It's just well trained. And he's like, and I like when they're in. Cause you know what happens when you're really well trained? Yeah. Training takes over. That's what I'm saying. That's what I want.

So you don't stop and think. It's just. That's who I want to be. It's like when I dunk. I just fucking jump and I don't, you know? But like, you know how he was in Goa with his girlfriend, Maria? And then he's like, we've been compromised.

We have to go now. Like he just fucking knew that cause he's like, that car isn't a normal car for this region. I think you're perfect for spy school. That's what I'm saying. And like that type of thing. Like when I think of you, I'm like,

I could see you doing that. Spy shit, right? I want like 10 different passports and identities and shit. That'd be kind of cool. Yeah. How long ago did I go to his birthday party? How old is he now?

Cause it was a while ago. I remember that night. I think it's before we had kids. I remember, I want to say. Oh damn. 10 years ago. 10 years ago. That was 10 years ago.

So that'd been 2010. Holy shit. She is. He looks great. And wait, what's the actual date? October. That makes sense. October 8th.

That makes sense. What would you ask him? I think it was, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was like 41, 42, 43. What would you ask Matt Damon if you, like if you could ask him anything now? You know, one of the things I would ask? Cause I actually have, I remember this thought

and this is why I would ask it. I remember seeing the trailer for Born and being like, Matt Damon is not a bad ass. Like it's hard to take your mind there now cause now it's an established thing. Cause it was good will hunting before. I wanted to, I would want to ask him, did you feel like this could fail terribly?

Like as a choice to be like, I'm going to do a, a bad ass thing, you know? Which like, you know, now the character is, it's like iconic and everything. But I remember watching that trailer and being like, Matt Damon is going to kick everybody's ass. Cause he wasn't like that back then. And feeling like this cannot be real.

And then seeing the movie and being like, this was awesome. And like he was great in it. But that's what I would be curious about. If he was like, were you in a panic? Yeah. As this was coming out, like, is this going to be a huge failure?

Or did you feel like this was a, you know, solid? Well, it's funny. Cause what I've noticed in all these Jason Bourne movies is he never eats. He never sleeps. He doesn't shit. And he definitely didn't masturbate in all of these movies. They do show him having, making love a few times.

That's true. Or implying it. So maybe he was getting his fix, but he should be jerking off more and he should be taking dumps and not showing it. And what's really upsetting is that he's in Berlin, which is the home of Currywurst, which is one of my favorite things.

And there stands everywhere for Currywurst. He never once stops and gets a Currywurst in Berlin. Like, what are you doing? Again, there's so many questions. You're in the best cuisine. Yeah, this shit's so good. Matt, if you're listening, come on the show. And we also watched Basic Instinct,

which I think held up pretty well. If you look at Sharon Stone, cause we remember watching- She looks unreal. She's gorgeous. And by the way, 1992 Standard of Hotness is different than 2020 because that bitch is all natural. You understand? Like her teeth are natural.

Bitches didn't get work done back here. So she's like, all natural, gorgeous. Yeah, and she looks just perfect in the movie. God, she's stunning. Yeah. And she's like, what, like 30? She's 30. And you know what too, is that when this movie came out,

I remember people were like, dude, you see her veg. But I never actually saw it when I was in the, you know? And now we got to freeze frame it and see her veg, which was really cool. You see the bush, really. No, I saw vagina, labia. Google her vagina so we can look at it now. I saw it.

This is what's important. I saw like a vulva. I saw it. I saw the meat. Yeah, there's the meat. You can see the meat in the right light. Not just hair. Really?

I saw her meats. Look. I can't really see it. Hold on. Dude, I'm telling you. I saw like go more vagina. Can you push in? No, cause there's one, there's her meats.

You can see it. I'm trying to see. The left meat, the left one. You can really see her meat more. There, see, see the slit. Okay, hold on. You can see it. Now you're right.

You're right. Cause there's bush on the right there. Go to the left. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, we're looking at Sharon Stone's beef right now. Isn't that loud? She's like legit a huge star.

Dude, that beef has not squeezed out any kids. I would get in there. I want to get in there. Look how perfect that even her beef is perfect. If I met her now, I'd be like, can I get in there? Don't you think vaginas are not pretty though? I mean, that is not cute. It's only appealing cause you know what it is.

Right? Yeah. Like if I were to show you that and you didn't know what it was, you would be like, what the fuck is that thing? Is that person okay? Is that a wound? Yeah. And it's all brown and mush.

Mm-hmm. What do you think's least attractive of a vagina or a penis? I think a penis is definitely less attractive. It's a dangling piece of skin, you know? But it looks nice when it's erect. Guess depends who you ask. I think they're beautiful when they're erect. Beautiful?

Yeah. Of course, penises are gorgeous. Why do you think they carved David nude, not covered up? But soft. Look at his dung. Flaccid. They should have made him hard. But that's totally, I mean, it's against your argument.

That's true, but it's still pretty when it's soft. But usually you think a hard penis is gorgeous. Yes. Okay, I'm asking you. I wish David had a hard on that. It would be such a better piece of art. All right, let's, I gotta wrap this up. So a couple of talks before we go.

Fuck yeah, dude. Now this is one time out. This is gonna put some pep in my fucking step, bro. I heard you bitches was looking for me. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Yeah! Woo!

Now, by the way, I've been curating these for weeks. Now our schedule got all messed up because of your accident and the COVID and blah, blah, blah. So this is, I'm seeing these for the first time in weeks. I'm so excited. I'm excited to see them. Gosh. I bust your goddamn teeth out.

Let me see you motherfucker. I'm sorry too. You can't believe it. Oh my God, that shit on camera. That's wild. I thought you'd like that one. I like that a lot. Got it, Merry Christmas.

That old guy wouldn't fucking around. And that other kid's stoked that they got it on video. I would be, I'll be that kid. I'd be like, that was fucking great. We got it. Ah! What's up, bro? What are you doing there?

I've been here for a year. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, but there's nothing. There's nothing, dude. Yeah! I don't know what's going on there. Oh man.

But it looks like fun. It looks like fun, but it also looks like this could go wrong really quickly. No. He's like, what's going on there? These guys are like chilling, dog. Like they're in like a hole in the ground. Yeah, yeah.

It's a pot. They're like, this is a pool, man. It's not a pool. Holy shit. Outta my fucking feet! Fuck that! The girls are making me feel bad. Please don't.

I said, please again. I'm gonna ask you one time. No, don't worry about it. I'm gonna ask you, get the fuck off me, mother. Those are just two drunk guys fighting in a living room. I thought you'd enjoy that. Takes me back to North Carolina days. Saw a lot of that.

Really? Yeah, that's how dudes, yeah. That's how country guys get a few beers and I'm like, I'll tell you something, they're good Travis. Yeah. That's very familiar. Oh no. What's up everybody?

How's your guys's night doing? Good. I would love to have some more followers, especially all you single ladies. Especially give me hearts and I love to be followed. Cool, yeah. All right, well you seem sweet. Me sweet.

I think what I wanted out of this talk was like, maybe help him improve because as we've learned, you can't just be like, I want ladies. You've gotta offer something up in order to get some things and entertainment value. This is what this dude, I don't think he's gonna understand this though. And I don't know why I think that.

But he just needs to show who he really is and then the ladies will follow. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. Like do what you normally do. Show us your real personality. What do you think is personality? I think he's nice.

I think he's probably sweet. I do. But I think you should be like, this is my cat muffins and I like to pet her every day. That's what I'm saying, that's being yourself. Yeah. That's who he is. He's like, I overeat.

You're right. I eat my feelings. All right. Let's go to the next one. Pantene, Covey, Pantene, Covey. This is a prison talk. I use that pantene, Covey, so drop them panties, oh me. This is a prison talk and he's bragging

that he gets name brand Pantene. That's what, that's a big flex in prison. It's a big flex to have name brand like that. For sure. Not Commissary fucking shampoo, he's got Pantene. Pantene, Covey, yeah. And I must say, I've used many conditioners in my life. Pantene really fucking works and Tracemay

and that's some cheap ass shit from like Rite Aid. Tracemay all day, bros. Like don't even spend the money on expensive conditioners. Just get that Pantene. He's real. So, it was your day today. Good, how about you? It was good.

Did you eat yet? Yeah, I ate a little bit ago. Where'd you end up getting food from? Just got to take out from Antonio's. Who wanted to go there, Hailey? Hailey, the girl you took out to Antonio's earlier today? What are you talking about? So, you're gonna tell me that you have no idea

who Hailey is, no idea what I'm talking about and you weren't with her today at Antonio's getting food? I don't know which one of your friends you're listening to but no, I don't know. Okay, that has nothing to do with any of my friends as if I did, literally did not see you in there today. You definitely didn't. I definitely did though, I definitely did.

You can go fuck yourself, honestly. These is a, that's a great talk. Me, like that. It's super, like high drama. Right? And I think it's real, I don't think this is a stage. That definitely feels real. That was real as fuck.

I love the touch of drinking champagne while you're calling somebody like, how was your food, what did you get it with? That's some fucking Tony Soprano shit right there. I also believe that she's about to fucking stab him. Oh, bro. Like the video's off for a reason now. Yeah, bro.

I would've put the camera on him too though if I could get it two way. Yeah, yeah. And be like, oh, dude, her manicure too, this boy. Oh, Hailey, who? Who? Who? Oh, shit.

Holy shit. Let someone attack you and see what your canine does. Let's do this, home invasion style. Can I help you? Yeah. Fuck that. Yeah. Fuck all that.

I know. Yeah. That is cool, right? You know, one time when I toured the military, I think we were in Afghanistan, they let me get attacked by a German shepherd. You did it? Jesus Christ.

But they put that suit on you so that when the dog bites you, it doesn't hurt. And the suit's really, really heavy. And it is fucking terrifying to have a German shepherd running at you and biting your arm. But they command it right away to stop. It's terrifying as fuck, but it's fun. So this comment deserves a video.

Yes, I do regret my tattoos. I'm currently undergoing laser removal. My next treatment is January 16th. So this one. If you're listening, it'd be worth watching. Well, what do you see, Tom? Well, a lady who actually seems like a probably good looking lady.

Yeah, she's sweet too. She has a spiderweb tattoo on her forehead, completely there, and then there's a tattoo around her eyes and there's a darkening tattoo around her eyes. It's a Dia de los Muertos. Yeah, and then it looks like there's fucking teeth around her eyes. And then she also has tattoos around her actual mouth

and her cheeks. It's intense, it's really intense. So a little background. She was a drug addict, surprise. A little bit of Matthew meth and got those tattoos. That happens, it happens all the time. So I went to the tattoo shop. Guy asked me if I was sure that I wanted to do this.

I said, yeah, you know, in my head, I'm thinking, well, I'm gonna be a drug dealer. So why not? Never gonna need to, you know, be presentable. So we started. We started with the web and around my eyes and my nose. I didn't get my cheeks and my mouth done until the second session.

The most painful part of getting my face tattooed was probably my lips and like over here by my ear. The eyes didn't hurt too much. They swelled more than anything. I have two sessions, four hour sessions in my face. And yeah, I thought it was a great. All right, Jesus Christ. See, she said that, she said the eyes didn't hurt.

It was the lips that hurt. I would have guessed the eyelids and then under the eyes would have hurt, excruciatingly, but yeah. Do you know how often you probably forget that your face looks like that? Like when you, you know what I mean? Like you just, if it's been a few years,

you just get up and you go out and you're like, can I get a coffee? And someone's like, I know, okay. Oh yeah, yeah, my face is crazy. I forgot. Would you rather have this done to your face or just lose your left arm? Jesus Christ.

I mean, they're both rough. That's the point. They're both life ruiners. Yeah. I know it's so tough, right? Here's the thing, cause the quick answer is like, yeah, you can get this removed. Let me tell you something.

This shit's not coming off. It's not coming off. You're gonna look fucked up the rest of your life. Yeah, it's not gonna come off. It's gonna fade, so she'll look like she just has, she used to have face tats, but it's not gonna be like normal to you. I guess I'm one handed from now on.

Really? I think so. I would not want to go through life like that. I don't want either scenario, but this one's terrible. You could have a prosthetic arm. Yeah. It would suck. It would suck.

People, like your interactions with people would be a lot better, one arm. That's so true. Yeah. People would be like, oh, he lost you. Jesus Christ. Plus you could come up with a cool story for the arm. You're like, I lost it in Vietnam or whatever.

All right, last one. Wait, wait, hold on. What would you do, Nadav? This is to all you women. Don't play with people's feelings, including you, Gabriela. I'm guessing Gabriela hurt this man's feelings. Jesus, let's go have lunch.

Nadav, face tats or arm missing? I was going to say the same thing that Tom said, because of your interactions with people. You'll get a lot more sympathy missing an arm than you will having a skull tattooed on your face. That's true, and there are chicks out there. You're just going to scare people, man. Yeah, and you could still get a job with one arm.

Yes. And if it's your left arm, it's not your dominant arm, at least in my case. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm a righty. You figure out whatever you did with your left, just figure it out, you know? Yeah. Any?

I would choose a face tattoo, for sure. I'm definitely feeling you on that. What's your reasoning? I don't know, it just doesn't feel like a risk to me. The arm, I need my arm too much. I mean, even to do what I'm doing right now, I need both my arms. Yeah, but no one's going to hire you,

because you look bat shit crazy with those facial tats. No, in his offense, we would. We would, that's true. You just have to stay working for us for the rest of your life. And just like any time that he would, like, I don't know, if anything ever went wrong, we'd be like, yeah, but we were so stupid to hire that fucking guy.

Like his face is crazy. Smoking math. What were we thinking? Face tats, yeah. If he fucked one thing up, we'd be like, come on. Face tats, yeah. He's so fucked up. We got, we cannot have face tack on here.

All right. One more. One more. Come on, it's the one thing bringing me joy this month. Okay, don't play with people's feelings. All right, here's this one. I want to have a real conversation with a woman. I don't care what you look like.

I want to have a decent conversation. I don't want nudes. I don't give out gift cards. I want conversation. You don't have to wear a mask in your videos, you know that? You can't contaminate people over TikTok. Hey, everybody, what's up? So I got my home girl working on some rainbow braids for me.

Yep. Here you go. She ain't done yet. There's any next year. But you know, things only get better. Got both arms. Whatever your opinion of beauty is, personally, I don't give a fuck.

If you feel beautiful, if you feel attractive, if you feel like a person, if you're able to look people in the eyes and tell them that you are an individual, that's exactly what you are. We're going to finish this pretty soon and I hope to show you the results. Okay, so thanks a lot for that one.

It really is good to be back in studio. It is, yes. Super fun. Happy New Year to everybody. Thank you for listening to this show, for watching this show. We're excited about a whole new year. Thank you again to everybody that joined us on the live show. We have some pretty,

I think incredible live show experiences coming up. I feel like I can comfortably say that two times, at least twice in the next six months, we are going to be releasing special events that you're gonna be like, holy fucking shit. I'm gonna shit my balls out of my dick. You're gonna shit your balls through your dick into your dad's mouth.

It's incredible and we're super excited about it. So, appreciate all that. Hope you have a wonderful year. God damn it, let's make 2021 way better than 2020. Our closing song is Jump in the Tub. Let me eat you by Odd Track Numbers. See you next week. Bye, Ching.

Bye. Just let me eat you. Get with that ball. Just let me eat you, one turn. Just let me eat you, one turn. I'm gonna make you cry. Just let me eat you, one turn. Just let me eat you, one turn.

Jump in the tub. Jump in the tub. Get with that ball. Jump in the tub. Jump in the tub. Jump in the tub. Jump in the tub. Jump in the tub.

Jump in... through your face. My mouth Jump in the tub. Get with that ball. Jump in the tub. Jump in the tub. Jump in the tub.

Jump in the tub. Get over it baby. Jump in the tub. Cleanly eat your one time. Jump in the tub. Cleanly eat your one time. Thanks for watching!