Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 589 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 3, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://www.stamps.com/ click on the Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in MOM to get a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale. - Get started with PeacockTV for FREE at https://www.peacocktv.com/ and start streaming today. - Go to https://www.squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. - Go to https://omaxhealth.com/ today and enter code “MOM” to get 20% off CryoFreeze Sport and sitewide! - Go to https://www.freshly.com/MOM to get $40 off your first two orders. - Go to https://www.getquip.com/MOM to get a FREE plastic dispenser with any refill plan. - Go to https://www.forhims.com/mom and get your first visit absolutely free! - Go to https://www.theragun.com/MOM and get your Gen 4 Theragun today. GOOD MORNING JEANS ABOVE 18!! Tom Segura and Christina P start off this episode of Your Mom's House with a video of a woman crying because she browned herself at work. They also watch a crying Trump supporter, Senator Chuck Schumer's Freudian slip on the Senate floor, Js getting yelled at by a boat captain, a batch of Christina's TikToks, and a doctor who explains that male on male relations aren't necessarily gay. The Main Mommies then chat with the "Video Message Cool Guy" himself, Elliott. Elliott provides more context for his infamous video and gives some behind the scenes details on the making of it. Jean and Jean then proceed to compare Elliott's video with video message all-stars Charles and Joe. Todd and Crystal wrap up by remembering some of their worst dating mishaps.

Woo, we got some new merch, baby. Go check it out, store.ymhstudios.com. That could be a very good bit, you know? Well, you do enjoy watching women cry, so I figured you would be the expert, the aficionado. Good morning, our Jeans Above 18. It is another wonderful day here at YMH Studios. We're really excited about everything we have for you today.

This is a lot, we've got great stuff lined up. Jam-packed show. Jam-packed show, we just danced. We just recorded a music video. Just like Ellen. That's what I love about the Ellen program. She comes in and she dances and everybody goes, I like to dance too, yay.

She's just a positive lady. Everybody likes her, nothing dark about her. Just a positive, positive person. Nothing going on. Oh yeah. Jeans Above 18. We are back to doing stand-up comedy. Thank God.

I am so excited to announce my tour dates as soon as the dog is Googling. You are going to be. You tell him. In. In Pusten. In Pusten, Tejas. At the Houston Improv, February 26th and 26th.

Then you're going to Zany's in the great city of Nashville, Tennessee. I think it's pronounced Gashville. That's March 11, 12 and 13. And I just added. Des Moines, Iowa, the funny bone. Des Moines. Des Moines.

I love Des Moines. I haven't been there in a minute. April 9, 10 and 11. I'm excited. Amaze. Let's see, I'm in, let's see. What other tickets do you have? What was Chomaha?

Chomaha, Nebraska. March 25th through the 27th. I go to Sextington, Kentucky. Coming off Broadway. I'll be there for my birthday. You want to come celebrate my birthday with me? Wait, that's your smirk day? Yeah, April 16th.

Oh yeah. How long are you going to be? I'm going to be 38. It's crazy. Feel 40 coming up around the corner. And then Brea. I'll be in Brea in May. And I'll also be at Hera's Casino in June.

And then I go back to doing some, I think, Spanish shows. Actually, there's actually some coming up in April. I don't think they're on my calendar, but they should be. Anyway. How do you see a calendar in Espanol? Don't know. A calendar. I don't know.

Really don't know. Can you Google that? Oh shit. Yeah. How much time do you have? Fucking. Fucking a dog. Let's see.

There's some words I got to learn. Calendario. Yeah, calendario. Like I said. Yeah buddy. Calendario. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Calendario.

Got to work on my words. Yeah. I got to bring back Tom Sagan in Espanol because that helps me practice. I bet it does. Talking in Mexican that whole hour. The whole time. Oh jeez.

I find somebody I'm like, you speak Mexican and then we talk. It's great. Por favor. Por favor. May I ask you a favor there, partner? So, okay. Are we ready for chomos?

Almost. We're not ready for chomos, but we are ready for. There's so many good things to talk about today. God. How good was that song though? How did it go? I won't sing it. I know you get scared.

Can I tell you something though? For 15 years, I did not hear the real song. I had only heard him singing it. For 15 years. I walk around the house going steady, are you ready? Cause that's an extended version. That's not the real song. Everybody in the 90s knows the real song.

But for 15 years I didn't know. And then two days ago I go, dude, can you play me the real song? Cause I've only ever heard you sing it. And it's like 20 minutes of them doing of that. Steady, are you ready? Soul to soul, man. If you don't know, watch Belly.

Watch the opening scene to Belly. Because that clip, that song plays as Naz and his crew walk into a strip club and it's all dark and there's black light. With black light, the whites kind of shine through and they're going to rob it. And so they walk in a slow motion during the acapella part, right?

Steady, oh, you see them walking through. And then when they finally kick the door down to rob the people, the beat drops. I mean, that's a hype Williams. It's basically a 90 minute music video, the movie is. Yes, I tried watching it, I got like halfway through it. Yeah, there's some, I mean, it's like, it's not a great movie, but it's cinematically amazing

and like the way he lights stuff and some of the performances are pretty damn good. But the music combined with his direction. You said Naz, I'm a Jay-Z person. Okay, all right, so let's get to the opening clip here. Let's start, ready to start the show? Here we go. I'm ready.

I'm just standing there, that was a register. My stomach started to hurt really bad. And I was like, it's okay, I just have to fart. And then I just let it come out because I thought it was a fart. And it was diarrhea, I should be dancing at work. This shit is big time. Who is Randy?

Great clip. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yo, Mom, where the fuck is Dad? Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Segura. Christina Pajitz and Christina Segura. Welcome to your mom's house. Now I'm kinda, now I don't remember.

I don't remember actually if Naz is part of the robbery or not, I don't know if it's DMX only or if it's the two of them together. I don't remember. DMX recorded where my mom's at intro. We spent half a million dollars on that. Jesus, you wanna clear that with me? Well, you're buying all your chains and stuff.

Anyway, now I gotta go watch that scene again to make sure I got it right. This really is intriguing because why would that bring you to tears to show? Well, it's either genuine emotion or she's doing a great bit. I think it's pretty genuine. Do you think so?

I mean, it seems genuine, but it could be a bit. I see it again. I really enjoyed this one. You know me. When she's standing there, I was on register. My stomach started to hurt really bad and I was like, it's okay, I just have to fart. Just let it come out

because I thought it was a fart. You know, it's diarrhea. It should make dancing work. But also the choice to record and share that makes me go, that's the only part that I go. That's true. That could be a very good bit, you know? Well, you do enjoy watching women cry.

So I figured you would be the expert, the aficionado on is it real or not? That's a terrible thing to say. That's terrible. No, it's true. President Trump, if you see this, please save us. I don't even see our American flag anymore. God is talking with some kind of crazy flag.

This is America. This is our land. That's the best thing. Please, President Trump, please, please. I hope you have a plan. God, please, save us. Save us from the devil, please. Y'all don't have a panic attack.

That's a bit. This is our country, our country. Someone put the sounds in now. This is awful. God, please, save us. She's on the toilet. She's on the toilet. Is she on the toilet?

She's on the toilet, but it's definitely a bit. I mean, I think the performance is also a bit. You can tell she's not genuinely crying. So you know. You know it's a bit. I think it fools a lot of people, but I think it's definitely a bit. You know.

The first girl, those feel like genuine tears, but if she is like that type of like, you know, there's like an actor can do that. Somebody with that skill set to just perform. And like you fuck with people, basically. So you're saying it doesn't get you as hard knowing that it's a bit. When I know it's a bit, I'm never as hard.

Yeah. Makes sense. I like real tears. Real screams. Real fear. You see the excitement in your eyes when you say that stuff. Yeah.

Well, speaking of murder and scares, someone's real on board. You asked for it last night. I had set up, I had my PT session and my physical therapist was like, oh, have you seen this doc about Adidas? And I said, no. And she told me about it.

And I was like, oh, that sounds cool. I'd love to watch it. I knew that the history as far at just very surface level that two brothers ran this company and they had a falling out and they ended up starting Adidas and Puma. I did not know this. Adidas, excuse me, if you're...

And it's Puma. Deutschland. Puma. Adidas and Puma. So anyway, I was interested in watching the doc and I thought you'd be too. I told you about it, you're like, yeah. I pull it up on TV, like kids are down.

I'm like, are you ready? She walks in the room, she goes, I wanna watch murder. And I go, what? She goes, I'm ready for murder. I go, I got the Adidas thing set up and you were like, mm-mm. No, I've got a taste for blood now. Now that podcast I listened to has turned me on

to the minds of these psycho people. Well, this isn't an important distinction. So I go, well, what do you wanna watch? And you go, I don't wanna see blood and guts. I wanna hear about their minds. Like how are these people's minds operating? And I had the perfect thing to pull up. Perfect.

It's on HBO, it's called Crazy Not Insane. And I had started watching it a couple weeks ago and it's a psychiatrist, Dr. Dorothy Lewis, who they essentially credit with kind of furthering the diagnosis of multiple personality disorder, which has morphed into dissociative personality disorder. That's the professional medical term now. So I'm like, I remember watching this

and I go, that's exactly what the doc's about. It's about the minds of these people. And you see that it's actually, I think this doc shows the reality of killing and murdering and everything versus a lot of other shows and docs kind of sensationalized. Like you go, wow, that was crazy that this person did these violent things

where this one makes you go like, look how sad and fucked these people are. Right, and you know, cause the other shows that you watch generally are just murder porn, where it's just the blood and she came in and screamed and pushed her down the stairs and he had jizzed all over her naked body. I'm like, just give me two more seconds,

I'll finish too. You love that. And that's the part that I don't enjoy, but it's interesting that it's dissociative, cause I was taught that that was bullshit too, multiple personality disorder, cause she has videos of children with this stuff. You know what's interesting is that-

And woman, the legal system too, doesn't take into account that these people are wackadoos. All they say is, are you aware that you kill? Well, yeah, I'm aware that I killed and I hate my mommy and I was abused and I have brain trauma. So it's done enough criterion. But didn't you think it was interesting that we talked about, you're like,

what's up with these people's, you know, like what leads them to this? Yeah. And one of the things I tell you, is almost 100% either abuse, neglect or some trauma. And everybody that they profile, they're like, this person was like tied up in a fucking closet and like beaten

and you know, just like really, really bad stuff, you know? And then also almost everybody that they were able to scan, do an MRI on, had brain damage. Either like brain damage as a result of some type of physical abuse. Or tumors on the limbic system. Sists, like just all kinds of things, fucking up their frontal lobe and like,

they're like, this person has no idea what they're doing. No! They have zero impulse control and they're just out there like it's time to kill, you know? Cause the thing is too, cause what's intriguing about it is like, why don't I do that? That's what you think. Cause that's what Dr. Dorothy Lewis was saying.

Why don't I murder? I have violent impulses, everybody has them. But you have something in, especially you when you like to follow women, you go, I like to follow them. I don't want to kill them or rape them. I mean, I want to, but I won't. So you have the brakes on your brain. Yeah.

Right? Yup. Thankfully I'm able to stop myself. I thought it was interesting that she has all these cases of multiples, you know? Like she calls them multiples. People that have these incredibly like, kind of obvious personality disorders.

And that there's a very famous psychiatrist that's in the doc as well, Park Dietz, who I recognized from having watched so many crime shows and public trials, cause that guy is actually, he's very well known. And he's in this doc and he's like, no, I don't believe in, he today doesn't believe in dissociative personality disorder. It's interesting.

It's in the DSM. He's just like, nope. Well, yeah. It's interesting cause even if you have mild trauma or neglect in your childhood, you dissociate to survive it. So it's pretty, to me, it would make sense that you would dissociate so far that you might create another personality.

Especially if you were severely traumatized. Absolutely. But isn't it interesting that this is one of the worlds leading people in the field who goes like, that's not a real thing. I think, cause he's more in alignment with convicting people, right? Like with the law.

No, that's not his jam to get people convicted more. No, no, no, no. Cause she's like, I'm impartial. Her whole thing was, I don't care what the result, I'm not trying to help. Yeah, he's the same. A case? No, he's the same.

All right. They're both psychiatrists. They just evaluate people and present. They're not like with an agenda of like, I need conviction. So she's like, I'll evaluate the person and he's the same thing. But he's saying I evaluate and that this is nonsense. It's bullshit.

Well, potato, potato. I guess. But it's exciting that I'm into killing now. It's a whole new lane for me, you know? First, it was just British shows. And then as you say, the only thing more exciting is British people baking for me. Yeah, it's really interesting that your feed

is gonna change. I know. Your algorithm is gonna change where it used to be just royals and cooking and now you're gonna be like, and look at John Wayne Gacy's childhood. I know. That's gonna be your next video.

I'm gonna watch it only through your profile so that my Netflix line doesn't get tarnished. A really exciting footnote too is that I have bought some Etsy mugs. With royalty on them. Commemorating the Queen's Jubilee and the... I love it. And nothing brings me more joy than royal mugs.

Huh? Steady, are you ready? Look, we don't like to make it too political on the show, but this is too big of a piece of news to ignore. Senators will have to decide if they believe Donald John Trump incited the erection, insurrection. There you go.

Just a little juvenile fun. Good work, stupid. Chuck Schumer said boner. I'm on the Senate floor. Demi, also. Oh, sorry, you're on your Trump roll. Incited the erection. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. You're better coming up in May. Gosh, you know, another thing, really interesting hot topic we discussed briefly yesterday is that you know that song, Superman? Oh, yeah. Superman, the whole... Yes, yes.

Well, the boy's in the... Soulja Boy. Soulja Boy, the original, not Soulja Boy, who's famous in... Oh, yes. 90 Day Fiancé. Right, and where is he? Nigeria.

Is he in Nigeria? Not to be confused with the Nigerian Soulja Boy. He is a Nigerian rap star, and I'm dating him. He's got 20, 20,000 followers on Instagram. Who does that? But we were discussing the Soulja Boy song, and I said, well, you kids know what Superman the Ho is. It's when you jizz on a girl's back,

and then you stick the sheet to her back so it looks like a Superman cape. Right. And the boy's here, hadn't heard nothing of the sort. Really? What do you guys think to Superman the Ho means? It's not that we haven't heard of it. It's just that no one actually does that.

Well, no shit, true. I would like to differ with you. Go on. You Superman the Ho? Of course. Uh-oh. Who have you Superman? So I met this trash bag after a show.

This is like 2003, 2004. All these stories. Man, in private life, I'm never, I don't know, it's only been you. I was a virgin when we met. Go ahead, go ahead. So these guys, you're saying that no one's ever done it. Right, I mean, when the song came out,

it was like, it was, you know, yeah, it was a dance. Everyone like learned the dance. And that was, I used to, yeah. I definitely memorized the dance and we were the coolest guys in college, definitely. Oh, I believe it. That's a Superman, that's me. Woo, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But any was like, what was your reaction? Because I think you really hadn't heard that interpretation of Superman. I mean, I haven't heard of that specifically, but that is not my interpretation of what the song was about. I mean, I've been a fan of Soulja Boy since before Soulja Boy was Soulja Boy.

So it's like, he doesn't do words underneath the lyrics like that, you know what I mean? He's not that tight. So it's like, it's literally just a dance. The Superman and the hoe is just a dance, it's like. You just Superman the hoe. You just Superman the hoe. You just go, wow, oh, right?

Don't watch me soup. Well, no, no, you're doing the crank that, the song's called Crank That Soulja Boy and you cranking. Oh. You know what I'm saying? If I go watch me, you, you doing that. That's what you're doing. The Superman and the hoe is when he puts his hands back

like he's in an anime or some shit. Oh, Superman and the hoe. Yeah, it's just a dumb dance. It's like the hustle. It's like the hustle, but ghetto is fucked. Having a dance, like if you can put a themed dance Oh my gosh. With like a catchy hook.

So cool. Well, also like as an artist, like commercially, that is just a bankroll for the rest of your life. You know? Oh yeah. Electric slide and fucking Macarena. Any song that people like catch on to, it is perfect. What's that Martin Lawrence went, do you do you like this one time?

Move your leg like this one time. Now keep doing your leg like this. He's like, that's just easy. No cha-cha, what a stupid dance that was. That was the worst one. Move your hip like this one time. Now keep moving your hip like this. He's like, that's just the easiest.

But I'll tell you, white people love doing that shit. When we go on the road, yeah, I fucking lived for that. Every wedding, everyone has the cha-cha. And every cowboy bar, you'd see these people doing that shit. There used to be a place in the 90s called Denim and Diamonds. Do you remember that in the San Fernando Valley? Cause that stupid fucking line dancing

got so popular for a while here. Everybody was doing it. Even Angelinos, which is gross. You know what I mean? You're not supposed to do that shit here in California. Okay. All right. Where are we here?

Oh my God. Superman that house. My father is like, he is exhausting. Dads are generally, aren't they all at past a certain age? Right. Dads are the worst.

Because we have the same marriage dad, I think. He's just like, I think he's just bored. Yeah. And he just calls me. He's like, yeah, how you doing? Good. It's like, saw you're in Palm Beach, sold out. That's good.

Like, yeah, thanks man. He's like, yeah, proud of you. Thanks. That was a podcast. It's good. He's like, yeah. How are the kids? They're good.

He's like, I can't wait to get my hands on them. And I go, yeah, yeah. I know we talked about this like three hours ago. And he's like, yeah. So I'll see you a couple of weeks. Can't wait. What do you want to eat? I'm like, in a few weeks?

I don't know. You know, he asked me the other day. He goes, you ever have bacon? Really? Yeah, I go, what? He goes, you like bacon? Which is like, by the way, he knows that I'm not like, it's not like saying, like, do you like artichokes or something?

You know, like, like he knows I like bacon. He goes, do you like bacon? And I go, yeah. And he goes, you ever have really good bacon? I'm like, what the fuck? What's happening? I go, uh-huh. And he goes, I'll get some of that for when you're here.

And I'm like, OK. What? Then he's like, you like crab? I'm like, yes, I like crab. Like you like crabs since you were born. Exactly. Like you've we've had, I don't know, crab outings for. What are you talking about?

I know. And he's like, yeah, saw your sold out in Palm Beach. Like, we just talked about that. It's the circular conversation. Yeah. When I used to talk to my dad, it was similar to be like, oh, fuck, I'm I can't even watch the TV lately on the fucking commercials. Oh, God, God.

And I'm like, why are you calling? Yeah, well, he thinks that, like, that's connecting with you. I know. Sharing with you this thing that's annoying to me. My dad tells me the same thing, too. And he calls me with repeat annoyances. I am. You know, you ever notice like one line open at the grocery store?

I mean, what's going on? You're like, what? And you just humor it for that convert the whole conversation. Next day, he'll be like, is that the grocery store yesterday? There's one lane open. I'm like, yeah, we had a 30 minute conversation about it yesterday. I know. And I've heard now that I've been around you guys for so many years.

Yeah. You know, Tommy was just the easiest. That's the other one. Christina. Sweet kid I was. He was such a sweet kid. Such a sweet kid. OK, just the cutest little shit.

And one time, Christina, he would he said to me, Daddy, cargame, cargame, daddy, cargame, do you know that he now that's Spanish. He so he has this one story about where I tell him that you make like I said to him as a child, you make me feel safe. And he talks about like how it makes him feel. Think about. So like he told me he goes, I mean, he's told me the story. Now, I'm not kidding you 500 times.

So he's like, you remember when we were in the hotel in Orlando and you got away from me for a moment in Japan, just a second. And then you saw me and you said, Dad, you make me feel safe. And I go, that's, you know, like the first 100 times you hear that, you're like, OK, cool. And then. Like a year ago, he started going, I remember. One night you were scared at home and you came into our room and you you got in bed with us and you said, you make me feel safe.

Like, wait a minute, I said that in Orlando and at home. He's like, well, no, I don't remember where you said it. But yeah, no, you said I think you said it twice. The stories are now completed now. And then he's like, remember. When we were in Phoenix, you took a shit in it. It was the biggest shit of your life. And then you looked up to me and you said, you make me feel safe.

I was like, how many times am I saying this to you? Yeah. But it's true because I think the older your parents get, the more the smaller their lives become. And it becomes more apparent. I'm not a dick to him on the phone. No, never. I just like vent here.

But like, I'm always I always, you know, humor him and. Oh, and then it's politics. Dads love to get political. What is that all about? And you're like, I don't want to talk about politics anymore. Your dad calls you to break down a legislative bill and you're like. OK, that's such that's not my dad would never do that. But my dad's like, let me read you.

Fuck and I'm reading the the post here. And it says, look at line 17. They want two hundred and thirty eight million dollars to go. I'm like, OK, yeah, are we done? But I wonder, are we that way? I mean, are there just five topics that you and I ever talk about? Yes, because this audience can verify. I mean, I think you're down to two.

I think I am down to two. It's poo poo. And I don't even know anymore. That's how stupid I'm getting. Like J&Ds, dicks and caca. That's all I talk about. It's all I'm interested in now. The older I get, I'm like, what else is there to life but dicks and caca?

Jesus, what is nothing? You think I'm a savage? You're like the only thing life's about is dicks and shit. Pretty much. And like taking care of my kids, taking care of you, my dog, dicks and caca. Comedy, hanging out with these knuckleheads. Yeah. And you sing in your songs. That's life.

And then you fucking die when you look on your death when you're in your deathbed. What are you going to think about? You know, well, five things, dicks. Let me ask you guys something in the children. OK, do you think? Because everybody, I just want to say I'm not projecting anything on you. I believe that all of you identify as heterosexual men, correct? Sure. Yeah, I think so.

OK, do you think that if you have sex with another man that makes you gay? Is that all the info we get? Is there context? Is there like, is this just is this like a one on one session? Yeah. I think you're teetering. I think you're getting real close to dangerous territory if not being heterosexual anymore. Yeah, let's say it's a single and count an isolated incident.

Then you try, you know, is it like I'm on dry? Like I'm like, oh, Molly's really just worked up and you're, you know, your gender fluid. No, you're not. Your sexuality is like, you know, everyone's sexuality is essentially like a moving wave, right? Where you have femininity to you, even though you're a man, right? And then masculine. So it's just like an encounter.

You end up having sex with a guy. Are you gay? I think after that, I would definitely be asking that to myself a lot. I think I think, yes, I think after that, I'd be like, am I gay? Do you think that any straight men who have sex with a man are for sure gay or is there is it a fluid kind of, you know? Well, I call yourself straight after you've had sex with a man. I think that's the thing is I think if a dude has sex with a dude, after that, you're at least by.

You'd have to change your status from straight to bisexual. Yeah, you'd have to call the DMV and you'd have to get them to change that line on your driver's license. Stand in line, make an appointment. Yeah. What about you? Any? What do you think? Yeah, any. What does he think? No, I don't think you're gay.

If you do it, I think I think you'd be gay if you liked it, if you want to do it again. Oh, that's interesting distinction. That's interesting. If you want it. So it's in the wanting to repeat the event. And who else is in there? Zoli. What does he think? That's an interesting distinction, though.

It's in the desiring. It's not just like, oh, it happened one time. I'm gay. You'd have to. Yeah, you're in college. You're playing around. You're experimenting. We know what's going on. You're in a frat. Now, what do you think? I think it's gay. You think it's gay?

Yeah. You think that if if you were to sleep with a man once, you're automatically gay? I mean, any is over here talking about if you like it. So like, I mean, I guess if you're forced to do it, you're not gay. But if you're choosing to do it, if you're experimenting, you're experimenting with being gay. Yeah, that's true. Why? Yeah. And I mean, there's nothing wrong with that.

Of course not. But it's gay. It brings about an interesting point and that is being educated. So I'm gonna, I've been learning too. And I want everybody else to feel like they can learn and get ready to have your mind blown open. Here we go. Hi there. My name is Dr. Joe Court

and I'm going to give you reasons why straight men have sex with men. They're not gay. They're not bisexual. My whole specialty is with male sexual fluidity. And what I always say is that when women have a non-heterosexual thought, we give her wiggle room, but we fetishize her. When men have a non-heterosexual thought,

we stigmatize him and we tell him he's not straight. False, wrong. I really want to get rid of this myth. I really want to get rid of this stigma. And if you stay with my TikTok, you're going to hear all the reasons why straight men have sex with men. I'll see you later. Very interesting.

His whole practice is about that. Because it's so prevalent. It's happening all the time. That he needs to create an entire practice around it. I'll go out even with like my friends, with guys. And a lot of times, a whole bunch of guys will end up fucking like when we're out. And I'll feel like it's a straight time.

It's a fun time. I won't feel like it's gay. I just want to be clear about that. Do you have a story for me that you haven't shared? I actually do, yeah. How many guys have you slept with? Not a lot. Well, that's fine because it wouldn't make you gay.

Well, yeah, I know I'm not. Yeah, you're still a straight guy who consistently regularly has sex with other men. It doesn't mean you're gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I fuck guys whenever I want, but I'm not gay. Now listen, Dr. Joe has a little more to say. Another reason straight men will engage in

having sex with other men is fraternity initiations. So well described in the book, Not Gay, Sex Between Straight White Men by Jane Ward. She basically tries to talk about, from a sociological point of view, why do these straight men in fraternities put fingers in each other's butts, urinate at each other, get naked,

engage in what we would call homosexual sex acts, but they're left alone. Nobody's ever saying these dudes are really gay and are they closeted and what's going on with them. She talks very eloquently about what she thinks is going on. For these men, it's required sex. And so based on that, they engage in it, but then they have a disgust response.

And the more disgusted they are, the more it reinforces their heterosexuality. The part of being white, they go unnoticed. Nobody ever accuses them of being gay or bisexual. These are straight boys having fun. Are you seeing yet that none of this is about being gay or bisexual? No.

I don't see that. Wait, it's about being white? Yeah, is that what you're saying? All white guys are gay? Is that what you just said? So to summarize, all white guys are gay. All right, I'll see you guys next week. I don't understand at all what the point was.

I think that's what he's referring to. All I know is that he just implied that Zolo has been pissed on a lot. That's all I know. And had fingers in him with other guys. But it was fun and everybody was white and having a good time. But I mean, I mean, yeah, I understand

that the repulsion factor is why it's fun for guys to horse around with gay stuff. Look, I see you and your male friends will verbally joke about gay shit because it's gay chicken, it's funny. I gotta be honest, he made a point that when you just said this, it just popped in my head. It is like a very white guy thing.

Like from my day, black dudes didn't play that shit. And he can't shake his head. Guys did not play that shit. And they did not. When I was in college, I had a black roommate. And we would do the gayest white guy shit to each other and never do it to him. Never.

Because he was not now with gay jokes. But it's true that the white boys were. It was, it's totally true. So maybe the story is. Like we would literally walk in, I would walk into my white roommate's room and be like, hey man, do you want to blow me right now? And he'd be like, ah, I just woke up.

Can I just stretch my mouth out for a sec? Like shit like that. I'm like, okay. I just like play with my dick and then I would walk down the hall and see Tony and who's black. And I'd be like, what's up man? I'm gonna walk down the stairs. He didn't play that shit at all.

Yeah. Tony also had, oh my God, he had a fucking like, what is it called? Like a. Huge cock? Well, probably. Oh, I thought that's what you were gonna say. Like he had a huge cock.

No, no. I meant like he had a rotation. Oh yeah, you guys aren't gay. He had a rotation of chicks. And like one time, Tony would go like, they'd be like a rent stew. I'd be like, hey, we gotta pay rent. And he'd be like, check out that kitchen.

And he'd walk away and be like, check out that kitchen. Check out the kitchen. He'd go in the kitchen and all the cabinets would be full of groceries that a woman bought him. He'd be like, that's my rent. I was like, what? Yeah. And like women would call him, I mean,

like you'd be like, who's this? Like different girls, different days of the week. And they would howl like from, maybe downstairs watching TV and hear a woman screaming upstairs. That's just other level games, son. Oh yeah. Like that is some pimp shit that you'll never know.

No, no, it's long said goodbye. It's never coming. But it's, yeah, he really, he definitely had game. There's, yeah, there's dudes out there like that. Yeah. Wild. All right, one more from Dr. Jogger. But you're not gay. Look, the important thing is you're not gay if you have.

If you and your friends are guys and you fuck each other. You're friends, all right? Another reason straight men have sex with men is a fantasy called cuckolding. This is where a cuckold is a husband who's been cheated on. That's where the term comes from. The wife turns to him and says,

you're no longer sexually satisfying me. I'm going to find a guy who does. And she gets a guy who's called the bull. So in this erotic fantasy that's power exchange and play and very satisfying and pleasurable to all members, the cuckold's job as a submissive man is to get them both excited so that the two man and woman have sex

with each other in front of him. He may masturbate watching them. He may be made fun of. There might be some humiliation play in the end in the orgasm. The cuckold's job is to clean them both up. There's sexual interaction between the two men from the beginning until the end.

But if the woman isn't there or the woman doesn't show up, the two men are left cold. The woman must be present in this fantasy for it to work. This is how it works with a cuckolding fantasy. Yeah, that part's obvious, right? When he's like, if that woman's not there,

then it's just two guys fucking each other. I guess, like, what do you mean? Of course, they just speak for it. Well, what's I find interesting. That sounds horrific. It sounds, I would cry. And I think the best part is that the cuckold has to clean, I clean everybody up.

I mean, Jesus Christ. And he's like, that's not gay. When that guy's done fucking your spouse and his dick's all drippy, you gotta clean him up. What's he supposed to do? Did you walk around with a drippy dick? All right, we gotta meet this guy. I wanna talk to this guy.

I, of course, wanna talk to him. And you and I took a deep dive down his TikTok. He's really interesting. He's very vulnerable. He seems like a really knowledgeable. He's a very kind man. Sweet dude. Seems like, yes, yes.

Dr. Joe Court, at Dr. Joe Court. You guys know what to do. Big fan, yep, yep. I'm really cool about this. And then we got a video this week from Nadav's last family vacation. You wanna see? Oh, I love it.

Avalayla, avalayla, say. What's the problem? What's the problem? What? Listen up, you son. Hi, now. Hi, now. Can everybody hear me?

Yeah. I don't know what you're doing. I'm the captain on this boat. I've been doing this 25 years. I have never felt a boat shake like that before from jumping up and down. Thank you so much for the dive. Woo!

Avalayla! Avalayla, avalayla, this is love. Love, love, love, this is love. Stop talking, you son. You disrespectful motherfuckers. Stop talking for a second. When I'm making an announcement, you shut the fuck up and listen to me.

You're going back to the dock. I never seen something so disrespectful in my entire fucking life. When I'm speaking, you shut the fuck up. Do you understand? God, N'Dive, what'd you do? These goddamn disrespectful Jays, man. It's like, they get-

Is this scenario here that this is like, this is like a booze cruise or something? This feels like, I don't know, like maybe a Chabad or something is like enlisted a booze cruise. Maybe it's a Bar Mitzvah, maybe it's a wedding or something. I mean, that captain is really fired up. Well, here's the, like, Jewish celebrations

involve a lot of circle dancing. Yeah, I like that. Circle dancing and arm all over shoulders and just jumping up and down, it gets real crazy. And the captain is like, you guys almost capsized the boat. And then the Jays are just like, all right, he's like, no, you almost killed all of us.

Yeah. I'd like to be at this party. I think the Jays know how to party. No, I don't think you'd like it. I like that whole- This reminded me of- You know what this reminded me of? This reminded me of an old clip we played.

I think I know. Guys are all kidnapping me. Yep. No, no, all right. Remember this? Not a kidnap, one hitch from you. I'll give you a hitch. I just need to get my stuff out.

My car is right here. Then you guys can take it, all right? Okay, so I can take the car, okay? After I get my stuff out, you can take the car. Can't take it this second. How does that make you feel? I remember him breaking down this video. You don't remember that?

No, how much do you hate it? I was like, oh, I know what's going on here. What's going on? Yeah, they were offered an inch, and they're like, oh, I think we'll take a mile. That's exactly what's happening in that scenario. So on the booze cruise, it's just like big celebration. Right.

And that guy, that captain's overwhelmed. He's like, this boat's shaking. No, yeah, I think it's definitely the first time he's been- He's said 25 years. He's like, I've never felt anything like this. He's never captained a J booze cruise. I'm taking it.

No. I'm going to give you a key when I get my shit out. Okay. You guys aren't stealing my stuff. Yeah, my key. Yes. Thank you. I will when I get my stuff out.

That guy keeps wanting it. He's going to chill out for a second. Yeah, it's all my stuff. Like Gypsy's. And he's just like finishing a round of golf. They're like, I like this card. So you think they're passing through the parking lot? Like this happened to be walking by?

I think it's probably, they heard a story from one of their other J friends, just like, hey, they'll totally just give you a golf cart. Cause like, I mean, I mean, if you look at them, they're all kind of wearing the same uniform. They all kind of look like they work somewhere. You know? Do you think they work somewhere?

No, I think they're playing into the fact that they do look like they work somewhere. I mean, Orthodox Jews, like all kind of dress the same, the same colors that, you know, it's white and black. And so I think one of them like just got a golf cart, like probably someone was just like, oh yeah, hey, here are the keys. And they're like, hey, if you go to this golf course,

you might be able to get one. They'll just, they just give you golf cart, golf carts. I think that's what's going on. Guys are, guys are going crazy. You can tell he's a little nervous. Yeah, they're swarming. Numbered.

They're kids there. Those are kids. Where you guys, where you guys from? What are you guys doing here? Field trip? No one's answering. No one's answering where they are. Yeah, they don't want you to know.

They can't follow them home. Okay, thank you. Everybody say hi. Look at it. So give me the keys, man. Give me the keys. Here we go. Now I keep thinking about,

can I tell you like as the, like the guy, Yes, please. Picture myself as this guy, I'd be like, oh, I got to return this thing. I can't give you guys this thing. Cause he rented it from someone. Yeah, he fucking, he, whatever, is that a golf course and paid for a cart, right?

So he's like, Maybe he got warned by the people that he rented it to. He was like, look, a package is going to approach you once you're done with your 18 rounds. It's fine. Yeah, we know them. Just give it to them. They return it for him?

I don't think that happens. I think they take it to wherever they're going. And they're just like, we have a golf cart now. I will tell you on the talk, I follow a lot of Orthodox Jewish people and they do party. Like they love to put their, their party like, what's up?

This is the wedding. And then they show like the bride who's like You must have been to some real J parties. You've been to some real ones. Dude, it's like, it's the Orthodox people know how to get fucked up. The first time I, That's so bad.

The first time I went to an Israeli wedding, like I was 13 and there's just bottles of absolute that rabbis are holding and pouring into open mouths. My mouth too. I was pre-pubed. Like it's, they don't give a shit. They're like, you're getting fucked up. It's a mitzvah.

When I was late 20s, early 30s, I worked as a site rep. Remember? So a company owns or represents all types of properties in Los Angeles. It can be anything from a house to an office building, a church, all types of all types of buildings.

And then all most of their business is from productions. So, you know, a movie that, Hey, we want to shoot us, you know, a hospital scene. Well, you call this company and they go, we represent these three hospitals. Here's all the, you know, check them out. And then you pay them to shoot there. So they actually own this one complex that had like,

like just really cool places to throw a party, you know, like standalone buildings that had like unique layouts and people would rent them for parties. And it was the bar mitzvah of the son of a rabbi, an orthodox rabbi. And so we had to, we had that set up and then they had partitions so that the women partied on one side

and the men on the other. You came and partied together on a mitzvah day? No, unless you're married. Damn. But it was also a baller-ass party. Like this shit was not. See, but Katolikas don't party like this. Like I went time in England

and I went to go have brunch with priests, Catholic priests, and they just get faded, bro. Like they get cross-fatos, Barbados. Oh yeah. They drink. They drink and eat a lot. And they just eat. And then they just sit there and just get depressed.

I'm like, well, we'll get up and have fun. Catholics don't rock like that. No, not really. Why don't they enjoy life? I don't know. It's not about enjoying life. God doesn't like it when you're happy. Yeah.

So you just stay, stay scared of them. Stay scared, that's what it is. That's Catholic. Are you Catholic? Make sure you stay scared. Yeah. Is he gonna come down now? Not joyful at all.

No joy. Yep. Yeah, that's true. At least the Jays enjoy their parties and their life. Why don't Catholic priests party hard, did I have? I don't know. No, Google it, man, Jesus. Oh, okay.

God, because Jesus didn't dance. Maybe because Jesus did it. Nathabbi skogalil, looking for shit. Nathabbi skogalil, I hope you find it. Nathabbi skogalil, looking for you. Hurry up and find that shit, you fucking chill. Nathabbi skogalil, Nathabbi skogalil. Nathabbi skogalil, hurry up and find that shit,

you fucking chill. You bet I'm coming up in May. Oh, right. Wow. That was fucking awesome. That was amazing. Love that guy. That is, he is from DJ Bundle.

He's at coffee underscore breaks with two Zs. B-R-E-A-K-Z-Z on Instagram. Really cool. That's the death metal version of Nathabbi's Googling. I really like it. What a time to be alive. He fucking Googled the wrong thing. Are Catholic priests allowed to drink alcohol?

Dude, we said that, it's why can't they party? Like why can't they celebrate, bro? You got it wrong. Just don't even bring up the next search. Stop. That was good. That was really fun. That was pretty good, right?

Nathabbi's Googling. I got a special video for you to watch. Oh, sweet. Oh, what did it get? Ways to get closer to your menstrual blood. Write down manifestations and wishes. Use your sacred blood to draw with it. Nostral blood has all types of incredible qualities.

You can pour it into your fertilizer, like use it in your lawn and you make some art with it. Use your menstrual blood to make your art. How would I collect my blood easy? Oh, use it as a menstrual mask. Oh. My inflammatory properties. Thank you, body, for helping me get this.

There's a cleansing ritual. You can cover a stone with blood and set in tension. So anyways, I thought you might want to explore your body and all the wonderful things that it does. Well, thank you. I have been collected. I'm not gay because I fuck my friends. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

God, I can feel your judgment about it. Ha, ha, ha. So lame. I have been collecting my menstrual blood in jars for years now. Yep. And I keep it in my closet and I do, I paint, I do mud masks with it, cleansing rituals, what have you.

Very nice, very delicious too. So it sounds like you should be making your own video to share with the public. Put it in a beef stew, yeah, it's great. That's, oh, it's in the beef stew. That's beautiful. I make it into smoked paprika. Would you ever do anything with menstrual blood?

You know, I'm of the belief that anything the body excretes, there's a reason your body is excreting it out. Is to make it waste. It's waste, correct. I don't see any medicinal value to my feces, urine, menstrual blood, snot. Sounds like someone's stuck in the 18th century right now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I don't think there's any medicinal value. It's 2021. You know, you're in Cures Cancer. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with you. Usually really, you really don't get it. You don't get it. You don't get it. You don't get it.

You don't fucking get anything. You're not gay. Yeah. God damn, that's so nasty. Would you let me do things with my menstrual blood? Would I let you do things? Like if you found out, is that a deal breaker? If I did paint, like you come in and you're like,

oh, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm just painting with my menstrual blood. Would that stop you from being married to me? Is that a deal breaker? It kind of is. That's where you draw the line? It's kind of gross to the point where I'd be like, this is gonna stop, right?

But I'm just making art. Do you not like art? I do like art. You know I like art. Yeah, so I'm just being artistic and expressing myself. Make it express yourself with someone else. Wow, just like that. We're divorced, huh?

Damn. If you made art with your jizz, I wouldn't judge you. I'd be like, it's his jizz. It's his seed. Okay. Okay. Real quick, I know this episode drops February 3rd. It's February.

February 3rd, any, I know it's your month, February. So we're gonna see you in March, or how long do you need off for this month? Yo, I didn't take off Martin Luther King Day because it was Martin Luther King Day. It was my birthday, it was my birthday, man. I just happened to share the same day. So March 1st, we'll see you back March 1st.

Where you're like, check this shit out, man. I need a month to kind of gather my thoughts. Did your mom plan on having you on MLK Day just to make the day extra special? It probably wasn't even a holiday when you were born. Right? Do you feel as though you got jipped because February is the shortest month?

I mean, we got a month, right? We got a month. That's something. Do you do anything special during Black History Month? Like anything to celebrate or get close to your roots? No. No. No?

No, I mean, I feel like generally I grew up expecting that other people would celebrate me on that month. Oh. And it didn't work out that way. That's not what it's about. We can arrange that. Why don't we do a special Black episode? Yeah.

Or we celebrate any. How would that work? What are we gonna? You tell us. Well, actually, we'll tell you. You just make sure to come to work every day this month and you'll see. We're gonna have a special show all about you.

You got it. You got it. This is a great idea. Let's plan this, Nadal. We're gonna have a meeting after the show. We're having a special any episode. Yeah, you got it. We'll come up with real cool stuff.

Yeah. Yep. And then what would be the Jewish month? Is there a Jew month? I don't think there is. I think it's just the entire season of fall. Fall is? I mean, we have so many Jewish holidays

that are jam-packed in there that it's... Which are... Rosh Hashanah. There's Rosh Hashanah, there's Yom Kippur. But aren't those like three weeks apart? Yeah, but it's like three weeks apart, long weekends. Like it's like every weekend in September is a long weekend. So, September though, that's your month.

But don't you notice that show business shuts down come September? Yeah. Until the new year. You guys are always out. Agents gone, lawyers gone, managers gone. It's another holiday. Oh, I'm so sorry to burden you, Steve.

You guys, on your fucking holidays, so much time off. You know who doesn't do that? The A-Rabs. That's so true. Do they take off? They're always here. They don't go. Yeah, that's so true.

Asians too, they work right through the holidays. Oh my God, Asians. Chinese people never take off holidays. Never. Every Chinese business is open 24-7, 365. Yeah, Christmas, go eat Chinese food. That's what we did growing up. Absolutely.

Those fools never stop working. Never. They're the best Americans. I respect it. So do I. It's like some stupid Christian fucking day, and then the Asians are like, hey, we'll take your business.

I love it. I love it too. That's the American way, and I love it. I hate it when these fools take off holidays. Nothing makes me angrier than a fucking three-day weekend. Get out of here with that shit. Nadav, last week was a Holocaust Remembrance Day. Did you do anything for that?

Yep, I sat down and I remembered the Holocaust. What you did? That's what you do on that day. Okay. Just sit down and you think about it. Just sit down and I think about my grandmas and my grandpas and what they went through and how cool their tattoos are.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. They were a bunch of those Nazis, a bunch of. Knuckleheads. Knuckleheads. Can we do some talks? Okay. I'm really missing in.

I feel like I have so many. That is affirmative. The talk folder is so full. Fold of the brim. We're gonna have to like choose some talks here because it is, it's really jam-packed. I heard you bitches was looking for me. Oh no.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Bitch, here I go. Okay. All right. I'm ready. You can take us through your process. It's one of the okay,

gonna force everybody out when it comes to you. I say, how lucky is it to have a good time? Go down to the edge to the side of your eyes. Okay. Didn't like that one. I know.

This guy was on the talk. Then he got taken down. Taken down. Oh yeah. They delete you if you screw around. Cause you sang some anti-American stuff. Now he's back and I've noticed he has no teeth. I didn't know that last time around.

Yeah. Kind of looks like me too. Yeah. A little bit. A little bit. Maybe that's what freaks me out. Looking for new friends, new acquaintances, new people to meet in LA.

If you're from LA, let's do a zoom call. Let's set something up. Let's meet soon. Happy Thursday everyone. Not how the SAP works. Also, this sort of looks like Charles' brother

with a chromosome addition. You know? It does look a little Charles-y. Somebody's genetically challenged. He's not as cute as Charles. Charles is much cuter. Well, this guy evolves a little bit on the talk. Really?

Oh no, if it's in this thing. This is a terrible, terrible post. Oh, he doesn't get it at all. And not only that, LA is ground zero for COVID right now. He's like, let's set up a zoom. Like this is how you're using TikTok.

Well, and then meet in person. You can't meet in person right now. It's not gonna happen. Let's pray for peace. No more riots. No more protests. Let's just have peace in this country. Love one another for who they are.

He, interesting thing about him, he's put together like his clothes is wearing a tie. He looks like he's well dressed. I believe he probably has a decent job. Yes. Yet there's something off. Oh no, no.

I see that part too. There's disconnect somewhere. And he doesn't turn down the television, which as we know is a real cool guy bonus. Yeah, and he holds the camera at a horrible angle. Horrible angle. This guy does not get to talk. I'm gonna say this one more time.

18 plus motherfucker. If you ain't over 18 and all you have to say is negative shit, delete and block and scroll on by. You don't have to say what y'all saying. You're fucking little trolls. See this? Just for you.

You don't like it? Block. Keep going. 18 plus adult only. And if you ain't gay by our gay friendly, get out. Okay. Well, again, what if you're straight and you have sex with other men?

Can you get on as a count? Also, it's kind of bringing about the distinction that this is for kings above 18. I mean, he's kind of borrowing a line. Well, and also don't you think it's a little antagonistic to write FU on your cheek? It's a little bit. You're kind of inviting negative attention.

It's quite provocative. Okay, this message is for Donald J. Trump. I know there's very little chance that he'll see it, but it's pretty high. I just want you to know that me and my family, we love you. We think that you're the greatest president that we've ever had.

And we feel bad for everything that's happened to you. Yeah. Well, we love you. Oh my God. Is she drinking a Christmas ornament? Stay strong. Just be you. Yeah, be you.

You've been great. We're always gonna love you. That's good. I love that he's a victim. Wow. He's gonna be just fine, sweetie. God. There are so many disturbed and delusional people.

How about you, Brina? Jordan, happy birthday. Oh, it's nice. You have a good day. Okay. Well. That is a talk made for your mom's house. I mean, this has it all.

Thank you. It's a horrible angle. The ceiling fan that was not lost on me, the stuttering through a name, the using TikTok, like it's a fucking cameo. This might be the most perfect one yet. Let's do it again. Brina, Jordan.

Yeah. Happy birthday. Okay. There you go. You have a good day. Okay. I got that request done. What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, and too, like your one thing is to get that person's name right. That's all you have to do. Happy birthday, Brianna. So somebody hit him up and they're like, hey, you know, if you could do me a real big favor, could you do a video for Brianna Jordan's birthday? Big fan.

She's a big fan. She's really into your page. She could use, you know, I mean, if you have time, I don't know what your day's like. I know, I could Venmo you some like 40 bucks. She's a fan. That one's good. Yeah.

That was a good one. All right, people, who wants to play? I do. I'm straight, but I can play with guys. I love this belt. Okay. Who wants to play? Wooden paddle, geez.

Okay, that's it, huh? That's it. So he thinks that someone's V is gonna get all moist, just looking at his cool bedspread with belts and paddles. Or Dick's gonna get hard. Yeah, sure. That's enough, and they don't even show him. We don't know what he looks like.

We don't know, we know that he likes dragon velour blankets, but other than that, we know nothing about this person. And he's just got a piece of plywood he's gonna hit you with. That's not even a paddle. It's so not a paddle, and I'm glad you pointed that out. That is from Home Depot. Right.

Like, go to the second door and get a real one. And those belts too are just standard, like dad brown braided. You know, I finished my arm war, and I have some leftover two by fours. I could just hit a woman with it. It's just unused wood. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?

Right, like, I mean, I'm not an expert on BDSM. Carpentry? Yeah, but like, I think you buy certain things that are appropriate to hit people with. Yeah, and also, I think he just has the belts that he wears around his pants. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He's like, who wants to play with,

I'm not investing in this lifestyle, but I do have things that you can use as if they were. Who wants to get with this shoe that I found? Like, bro, it's not for S&M. No. You can't just hit people with anything around your house. A fucking block of wood?

Just this paddle. And number four is the softness of the feminine. So the hugs you give him and how soft they are, he loves those, the soft kisses that you give him. And he's snuggling up next to you and he's feeling your soft skin and he's smelling how good you smell. All of that, men crave.

So I've come across the genre of experts, like relationship experts. I just want to start sharing that with you guys. Is this true? Is this true? Yeah, of course. It's just like the soft smells, the fart smell. Feminine things are attractive to men, straight men, yeah.

So your soft skin and the way you smell and those touches. You guys like all that. Yeah, I'm surprised that this is news to anyone. Well, I didn't know that. Hold on, let's watch this again. I don't know. Tell me the part of it that you didn't know.

I'm not into this. And number four is the softness of the feminine. So the hugs you give him and how soft they are, he loves those, the soft kisses that you give him. And he's snuggling up next to you and he's feeling your soft skin and he's smelling how good you smell. All of that, men crave.

Not you, because when I try to snuggle you in bed. I'm like, I'm like. I don't like to snuggle to sleep, which is like what you're like, like let's go to bed and you try to snuggle for sleep. I can't sleep like that. But I mean, of course, like snuggling and hugging and everything like that is of course attractive.

I didn't know, I didn't know. Well, I guess I gotta get it from my guy friends. All right, let's see what else is here. I got into porn and all these girls were like, no, anal's awesome, I love it. Big gaping butthole, blah, blah, blah. And so I was like, maybe I need to try this again. And I got a lot of advice and like kind of figured out

how to work up to it. And now it's awesome. So this is another lane of just like porno girls talking about anal and stuff and how they love it now. That's cool. Yeah. Are you trying to tell me that that's what you would like to try?

Yep, I'm really ready for it. I like when they do stuff like this though. It's the best. Yeah. I was like, sorry, if I wanted to, and now I love anal. I thought I poked up myself. And I was like, yuck. The evolution of an artist is what I'm trying to get at.

That's cute. So this guy in a bad day, he catches kisses in his hands and then he pours them onto his dog. It's always a roller coaster when you're toxic. You never know what's gonna happen. I mean, you're waiting for a guy to stick a screw driver in his ear and tell you that he found a portal into another dimension and it's a guy blowing kisses

on his dog. Right. Yeah. That's the kind of guy you're getting, Tom. This is the type of guy you're getting. What's he doing? It's a gentleman cleaning out his flush light at a bus stop. He's cleaning me.

Holy shit. He also has the cleaning aid with him. Like he has a spray bottle. Windex. He's cleaning it out with like 409. He took the bus to go to Target to get cleaning products for his flush light. And he's like, I gotta do it now.

At the bus stop. Yeah. He's cleaning a, and it's real. This is not, he's like, he's sticking his finger in and he's like cleaning, he's putting in the spray. Great. And he's cleaning out of flush light. And he doesn't even have the shame

of throwing it in a bag or something. You know, like I gotta put this in a bag. He's like, oh, he's walking around my flush light. This is so crazy. That's insane. This guy's insane. This might be the craziest person we've ever shown. This guy's fucking bananas.

Cause even, I mean, yeah, you have to know that you shouldn't do this in public. Of course you know. Everybody, you don't clean your vibrator or your flush light. We know. I don't know that he knows. This is my talking dog, Casper, only reacting to the name,

who is a very good friend of mine and my collaborator. Casper's obsessed with him. How about we go see Rachel? Do you want to go see Monica? How about we go see Chandler? Ross? We could go see Phoebe. How about Bailey?

Hello! Hello! Hello! Isn't that wild that the doggy loves Bailey so much? They collaborate. They're always doing projects together. Yeah. I just thought that was really fun.

I've never known a dog to do that. I've never, no, I don't know that either. I think what's really got me kind of in knots is knowing what's coming up next. Cause usually something like this is offset by something else. Well, I distract you with what's over here and then I punch you right there. I sucker punch you.

You sure do. Okay, so hey guys. What's next? Remember the cute dog that talks when you say a name? Yeah. White guys, I'm in love with your farts. I'm in love with white guys' farts. I'm in love with white guys farts.

In gray sweat pants. I'm in love with white guys farts. I'm in love with white guys farts. I'm in love with white guys farts. I'm in love with white guys farts. I'm in love with smelling white guys farts. I'm in love with smelling white guys farts. I'm in love with smelling white guys farts.

I'm in love with smelling white guys farts. I'm in love with smelling white guys farts. I'm in love with smelling white guys farts. I'm in love with smelling white guys farts. I'm in love with smelling white guys farts. I'm in love with smelling white guys farts. I'm in love with smelling white guys farts. Somebody we've encountered before.

This is the very... He's been on your mom's house. His name is Thursday Lane. And he's still at it. We had him on your mom's house and then like a month later he was on Stern. No, Tosh. And Stern, both.

Oh my God. Tosh and Stern. And then we actually, didn't we send somebody to talk to him? I thought we did. So we set him up with a porno agent. They sent us a video though, remember? The time is now.

That's from us. That's right. The time is now. Because one of the guy that was filming was like, I'm about to fart. And he was like, oh my God. And then he put his face in there. That's right.

This guy really loves white guys farts. Well, it's been years and he's still at it. And he's still... Thursday Lane. Thursday Lane. Yes. And he had beautiful guppies. That was one of his...

Beautiful guppies. He had his own lexicon. Beef cream farts. Yes. He had like all these terms for like different farts. And then he had to think about Gray's web pants. He's like, a white guy farting in Gray's web pants. The ultimate.

Well, I was just happy to come across his web again. And I was like, I'll fucking fart for you. And he was like, don't talk like that. Yeah, I did like it. So he really, and unless you think that he was joking years ago, he's not. He's really sincere that he loves white guys farts. Thank you for bringing that back.

You got it. You got it. Two more? Of course. Okay, here we go. Well, the girlfriend was screaming at me. Give it to me. I'm so wet.

Just give it to me. I says, I don't care how much you scream. I'm keeping the fucking umbrella. So this is a new lane, not a new lane, but just one that I've come across, which is like dirty dad jokes. Yeah. It's like middle-aged humor, white people humor.

It's so painful, right? It's horrible. It's so fucking terrible. This is one of the things that upsets me the most. I know. You know why? Because. I know.

You'll do the meet and greet with. Yep. He'll be like, hey, I got something for you. Totally. And you're like, what? So I was giving it to the girlfriend and you're like, oh, my whole body just starts to shut down. Yeah.

And then they look at you like that at the punchline. Yeah. Like as you're shaking hands and you're like, that's good. I can only, yeah, that you're right. They always gonna go, I got something for you. And when the setup is too long, it's just dog shit. Like you do a story on stage. Oh boy.

And then they go, hey, I got a story for you immediately. Oh shit. Don't do that. Don't wanna hear it. And they're like, no, no, no, it's like your story. And you're like, yeah, but mine's good. Like there's a reason why there's tickets to mine. The fuck outta here.

Yours has been thought out. Yeah. Plan. This is refined. Yeah, this guy, these, and plus they get passed around. Yeah. These dad jokes and then there's different iterations of it. It's horrible.

Top dog would love this. Love it, I know. And that's the problem is that when you tell people you're a comedian, they think this is the kind of comedy you do. It's horrible. Like if you go, I'm a comedian, what happens is that the danger of sharing that with a stranger on a flight

is that they'll do this. They'll go like, oh, you're a comedian? And then you see them, they're like, all right, I got one for you. And you're like, got one what? And they're like, I got a joke for you. And then now let's hear one of yours. And you're like, oh no, I don't wanna do this.

No, I don't wanna do it. That's why I'm a consultant, you know? A consultant, comedy consultant? No, no, when I'm on a flight. I'm a consultant. Oh yeah, you have to pick your boring job. It's an insurance firm. Basically what we do is we assess your assets

and any liabilities. And then they're like, okay, I'm like, all right, bye. I think I'm gonna say accountant. Yeah, but equally, or insurance, yeah, boring. Do I have another one? Can we close on a good one? Okay, here's this. This looks good.

Come on, get to it. Here we go. No, no, no. You have fucking problem? It's the size of you, bro. You have your fucking problem, man. I thought you liked that, just confrontation. That was great.

Yeah. All right, great talks. Yes, thank you. We're gonna take a quick break right now, but we have something amazing planned for you as soon as we get back from this. And we are joined right now by a very special guest. You've gotten to know his dating video very well,

and he's coming here to talk about it with us, the very handsome and very talented, with a great head of hair, Mr. Elliot. Thank you very much for coming on the show. Wow. Thank you very much. Yes, thank you. For reaching out and wanting to come on

and being a grown-up about it. I think I actually empathize greatly when I've seen this. There's been a few people that have done this. And the reason why is I go, like I think even when I first played it, I go, you know, I get why this happens. Like you still go, this is a bad idea,

but I get why it happens. Because when you're, you know, I get that like there's a part where it starts and you're like, I just set it up. I couldn't help myself. Like that registers to me. And also you just imagine that whoever's gonna receive it is gonna be like, oh, cool, this is awesome, right?

I mean, you assume it's gonna go well. Wait, let me ask you this before we get into that. There's so much. Did you ever get a response from Natalie or whoever you sent it to? Natalia. Nothing. No response, no response.

No, but within a week, I heard it was already being passed around the city. No. That was, oh yeah, oh yeah. So what? I sent it over like a Google drive, like a Google drive share link, which you can easily download.

And so sure enough, it got passed around. And I had known guys that this has been going around for a while, but I never, I mean, it's four years. Like Curio, the restaurant is not even open. Oh no. Surely you have to know about this restaurant. Everybody fucking knows. So wait, so within a week,

you heard that your video was being passed around? Yeah, yeah, within a week, I heard it was being passed around. I mean guys, I went so far as to like do like, like bit.ly forward slash hey Natalia, like so she didn't have like the Google drive link, you know, and I thought, oh yeah, this is gonna be so great.

Like guys, I literally like crazy thinking, you know, cause I had just gotten all this equipment, right? I got the camera, I got the green screen. I get it. We remember, yeah, we loved your clicker, yeah. Oh yeah. And so, you know, and I get all excited. I meet this amazing girl, we exchange numbers.

Wait, where did you meet her? I met her at the bar. Okay. Yeah, I met her at the bar and, you know, we exchanged numbers and I'm super nervous cause she's just, I mean, I'm thinking every guy in the city is probably kidding her up for her first date. Sure.

And I'm like, well, how do I, how do I get creative or original, you know, to want her to go out on a first date with me? And so, I was like, hey, I mean, what guy ever shoots a video to ask a girl out on a first date? And now I realize why. I realize why.

Because you know what? You know what everybody has the experience of? Whether it's in dating or just in life. Everybody knows like, has done the thing where you start writing a text, right? Or an email and then you go, you read it and you're like, I gotta rewrite this. Like this doesn't feel right, right?

Like, and then you're like, how will this person respond to this? And you delete it and you start rewriting it. Like with a video, once it's gone, you're like, oh shit. Like there's no editing or like saying you misread it. It's just out there. It's just out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was, it's pretty bad when I did script that out. Like I actually had a parrot teleprompter and everything on the DSLR. Like I actually scripted it out. And guys, like honestly, like I've been looking through these comments and people are like, this guy has something else. People blah.

And just, you know, if I'm being completely honest with the world right now, just to provide people a little bit of context. I'm not trying to do it. Do it, do it. No, I want to hear it. I want a little bit of context, like for where I was at in my life.

So, all right, so growing up, I never had anyone show me how to be a man, honestly. I mean, my dad died when I was seven and my mom blessed her heart. I mean, she did the best she could. And I think it's like hard enough in this day and age, even for a dad to raise a boy to become a man, right? Let alone a single working mom

who now has to play the role of both mom and dad. So I kind of had to figure that stuff out on my own. And especially in my mid-20s, I mean, guys, I had this ridiculous image in my head about what I thought an attractive alpha male would be. And I would, especially in my 20s, when I'm talking with girls, I would like step into that character,

you know, because I never thought, at least back then, you know, that I, Elliot, just being me, would ever be good enough to attract them. And guys, I'm sorry, I know this is a funny show. I'm not trying to dampen this, okay? And that does not change the fact that I'm still very embarrassed for making the video.

And it doesn't change the fact that that video is cringe-worthy as all hell, right? And Natalia, if you're watching this right now, look, I just want to tell you, I am so sorry. No, no, no, no, no, let me speak up here for a second. Natalia is kind of a cunt because you were intrigued. You swapped info. She should have, like, I'm happy she shared it

so we could make fun of you, but she's kind of a bitch because that's tacky as fuck to share that with everyone. I agree. She should not have shared it with the world. Hey, Natalia, go fuck yourself. Yeah. I'm glad that she did, kind of, but not really. That was personal, and she shouldn't have shamed you

by passing it on. Yeah, I feel like she doesn't deserve any apologies. Well, I appreciate it. Well, let's fast forward now. It's because, well, come to present. That was four years ago. What's going on in Elliot's life now? Is there love?

Do you have a lady? Are you asking chicks out? I know it's, you know, a pandemic. Are you just J and your D on Zoom, or what are you doing? Yeah, so, like, I'm still single, focusing on my career. I mean, I'm on all the dating apps. It's going to be interesting to see what my dating life is for this interview.

Oh, you're going to get some scowlwags are going to come through for sure. Right. Well, yeah, you know, I'm still single, looking for the right one, you know? I like it. You're working? Are you a millionaire yet?

You said you were about to be. Hell no. Hell no, but, Tom, I am looking for an accountability partner. Okay. If you want to do this every 18 months, have me on the podcast, if I hit the milestone. I would love it for it. Actually, I'm game.

Now, let's listen. Because this could actually affect your dating life. So let's use the opportunity. If you want to be, like, if you want the women to reach out and you can choose then if somebody is of interest to you, what's the best way that a woman in the greater Columbus metropolitan area, which is what you said you lived on the video, I assume you still live there now?

I don't know. Yep. So if you want to be hit up, like, do you, is there any where we can direct people? Any ladies? Yeah, sure, sure. So you can find me on Instagram. It's just at Elliot Esquire.

Okay. At Elliot Esquire. All right. So you can hit them up there and your DMs are open, I'm assuming. Yep. All right. DMs are open.

It sounds Elliot, like, I found you very sweet on the video too. You're obviously very handsome. You are educated. You do have a lot going for you. And it seems like now with time, you've matured a bit and you've calmed down and you've come into yourself. So I think that'll be very attractive

for the women listening. They should hit them up. Christine, I really appreciate you saying that. You got it. And where will you take your dates? Where is the new hotspot in Columbus? Well, I really like Vaso in the summertime. Vaso, Urban Meyers Pine House, they both have great patios.

Vaso has a great view. And there's also this place, Hayden Falls Park. Oh. It is one of the most beautiful waterfalls. It's like this, it is actually a legitimate gem in the city because it's like this. Remember that, the movie with Leo back in the day. In the...

Romeo and Juliet? Thailand. Gilbert's, what's he doing? Gilbert's great. Beach. All the beach, yes. That's right. Okay, so that is like the closest scene that you can get to the beach in Columbus

is going to Hayden Falls Park. The waterfall, you're surrounded by trees and a ravine. Wait, is this your, is this your, what is the perfect first date for you in Columbus? And what time does it start? Honestly, it's in the 7.15, so maybe I can fit you. So, yeah, so what is your perfect first date though? My perfect first date, so it's in the summertime.

Yeah. Hayden Falls Park. Nice. Seeing the beautiful waterfall. And then there's this little like kind of like a ravine. There's this apartment complex called the quarry and there's literally a quarry behind the quarry. Go figure.

And there's this awesome like, you have to like swim around about like half a mile. And then you can, you can't legally do this. So I'm not suggesting anyone do this. This is illegal, but hypothetically, allegedly, you can scale the wall and then you can run off and jump into the quarry. Jesus.

Wow. In a romantic type of thing. And you, it's kind of like one of those things that's a little risky because you never know if there's actually going to be something that you're going to hit underneath the water. But if assuming you actually, nothing bad happens. Jesus Christ.

It's actually a pretty romantic. Sounds like you need someone on the diving team to go on a date with you, man. Yeah. All right. That's just like, that's just in like the perfect first day. I like it. I love it.

And then what, is there like a type that you're attracted to or you know, like what gets you going? What's your, what's exciting to you in female qualities? Um, someone who is, let's see. Someone who's beautiful, smart, personality, funny, down-to-earth and truly non-judgmental. Okay. I think after this interview.

She'd have to be. She'd have to be, right? Yeah. I know. And, and looks wise, do you have a preference or anything goes? You know, I'm a, I don't necessarily like have a type or say I, I do believe like, I mean, I know this is going

to sound maybe corny, but I believe like beauty comes in many different colors. Okay. I thought you were about to say something totally different. So, I think why should stay together. So, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. So anything goes.

Jesus Christ. He lives in Columbus. They're very forward. Oh, I know. Thinking they're liberal. I know. Yeah. Yeah.

Progressive city for, I know some people think like Ohio. Oh, it's like fly over America. Columbus is like, I mean, we really do have a progressive city, like very forward thinking people and just good people. Very good. You know, honestly guys, you have a really awesome audience because not only do you guys have reach, but I literally had like a couple of DMs from people

who literally told me, Hey, be on the lookout. Like people I didn't follow that didn't follow me. And they're like, Hey, be on the lookout. This did drop last week. And I'm like, Oh, no. Did you? Oh, and I was like expecting like, I was expecting the terror to come, you know, like,

and, but they were really supportive. They're like, honestly, man, like, there's this guy, Charles. He did something similar. So if you reached out, Tom and Christina, I think they'll, I think they'll be more than happy to have at least given a response. Charles did take the first wave of heat. So they must have been kinder to you.

And, you know, we're all about, Say around eight o'clock, eight, 15. So we're all about trying to help dudes get laid too. You know, we, we show this as educational tools to try to help our male viewers and listeners, you know? For sure. For sure. I mean, a big, hey guys, for the, for the young bucks out there, big learning lesson, eight, just call her.

Don't send a video. Christina, listen to Christina, just call her. Just call, call, bro. Number two, just be yourself. There you go. There you go. Words of wisdom, Elliot. Elliot, thank you for coming on. It was, it's a joy actually to do this

and to hear your side of it. I think you're a really nice guy. I think it's ultimately going to be a really great thing for you. And once again, I would like to tell Natalia to go fuck her son. Yeah. Fuck you, Natalia. You lost out big time. Yeah. Good luck.

Thanks guys. Blowing the hazy dick that you're sucking on now, Natalia. So, thanks guys. We really appreciate it. And we will check in with you again soon, Elliot. 18 months. We will check in with you soon. Awesome. Perfect. Thanks so much. Appreciate it.

Appreciate you. Bye. I love you, buddy. You got to click us off. Give us a click off. Oh. No, with your thumb. Your thumb, like this. Oh, yeah.

There you go. Sign it off. There you go. See you guys. Thanks so much. Of course. Thank you. You're the best, dude. I love that he actually referenced Charles. That he was like, people were like,

this guy, Charles did it. Charles is now an international phenomenon. He is. But you know what I noticed the similarities between Elliot and Charles? Is that they're both actually very success oriented guys. Yep. They're very type A.

They're driven. They're organized, they're driven. They're not losers. They're also both, I think, sweet and sincere. I like both very much, yes. And so that's why it's like, you don't go like, this guy's a piece of shit. He's not a piece, they're not.

They're just like, oh, he's sweet. It's almost like you feel like your little brother did something innocent. You know, you want to be like, oh, dude. It's sweet. That's not how you get a girl. It's like that kind of thing. Well, because they're treating women

like a PowerPoint presentation. They're, what I'm saying, they're applying work logic. That would have worked for a client maybe. Hi, I'm just checking in, Ms. Valia. But for a girl, for romance, it doesn't translate. She didn't even write back. What a fucking bitch. She was just horrified by it and just was like,

I got to share this with everyone. No, you know what's funny, him bringing up Charles. Although we just did the same thing. Let's, yeah. Fucking Natalia. But that's different. It's not for a comic party. Let's revisit both Elliot and Charles' videos

and decide which one works. Yeah, okay. So, wait, and also don't forget, they're both super horned up. Yeah. That's the other element. They're in their 20s. Yeah. And your balls and your dicks all full.

So full of comic. And you just want to empty it. And you just go, maybe if I send someone a video, they'll come suck it. Exactly. It's also fueled by testing that out. Neither of them would ever say, but that's what they want to happen.

Tommy tells you the truth. Now, so the original here, let's go to Chuck's and see how this makes you feel. Yeah, it's good to revisit. What's going on? It's Charles from Match. Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. I've been here, I don't know, since 7.30 doing so.

I'm busy. Little video. I'm editing. I should say editing some video. That's going to be going up on YouTube. Actually, my new office, I really like it. It's got this really cool view. Where are we?

No. There we go. A. Nope. There we go. There you go. Anyway, we haven't talked. I think it's in Saturday.

So tonight, I'm looking at Lily's in Union Square. What time? Let's say around eight o'clock, 8.15. And I'm going to be in a fantastic mood then because I have so much to do. I'm looking at my two lists all around. I've like posted notes and everything else. And I got my ice latte.

But anyway, shoot me a text and let me know if eight o'clock works. I could do 8.30, but a little bit early, it might be tough because I do have a lot to do. So shoot me a call. And did I say my name in the beginning? It's Charles. Oh, I don't love Charles, but here's what I like

about Charles' video. Yes, you can tell he bullet-pointed what he wanted to discuss with her, but it wasn't fully scripted. It felt a little spontaneous. There you go. And here's the thing. If you're going to do a video, go full spontaneous

because people can read when you're scripted, you're trying to be perfect. Non-teleprompted. Yeah. And that's why I like this video. It's a revelation. Elliot was very honest. He had a teleprompter.

That was right. He had a script. He wrote that, which let's go right into it so it's still fresh in our minds. Hey, Natalia, it's Elliot. So I finally got my video studio up and running. I couldn't help myself. I wanted to shoot this video to invite you

to Curio this Wednesday at 7 p.m. We could do six or eight, depending on the schedule, but my schedule's pretty tight. When I'm not bartending, I'm shooting videos like this, outreach to the dentist, get on the phone, selling them, taking care of their ads, all that stuff. So, look, man, Curio, awesome spot in German Village. You've obviously heard of it before.

It is literally the best hidden cap jam in the city. I mean, you gotta go just for your own self-education of what's awesome in Columbus, you know what I'm saying? I want to know if all that is in the prompter. All of that? It's a lot, I know. But look, hey, again, he's a type. They're both type A personalities.

They're very busy. They like to have post-its and teleprompter. All the quality guys, they're good guys. It's true. It just reconfirms that sending a video is a bad idea. Thankfully, not everybody is aware of that, so these will keep coming. We will be able to play these probably to the end of time.

But less is more when it comes to courtship. Yeah, you can't spill it. You spill your details once there's a romance cooking and brewing. Right, like how would you approach me today? Hey, bitch, let me tell you something. Like that? I don't know how I would approach you.

Look at Annie, Annie's giving you the cool guys. Because he's telling me, he's like, that's how it works. Well, Annie and I talked about it, you know? He was giving me a little... What? Is that what Annie said to do? He was like, check this shit out, man. And he gave me a lesson. He was like, you should tell this bitch what's up.

Annie, is that what you said to him? I mean, Tom nailed it. You did it, bro. You got this. That's incredible, that's incredible. You do it better than anyone else, you know what I'm saying? That's what's up. But I'm being serious, how would you court me now?

Because back then, your courtship skills, you phoned me, you invited me hiking. It's hard to like, okay. It's different in your 40s, isn't it? Of course, of course it is. I'm trying to imagine I would be like... Well, now you're a famous comedian, so that's also another level.

I mean, I don't think of you as a famous comedian because I've known you since forever, but in the dating world now, it's a different... What would I say? Would you go on Raya? I'd be like, oh, you got kids? And you'd be like, yeah. And I'd be like, well, you can't bring them,

but if you want to come to dinner, you know. You can't bring them. Well, what stupid bitch thinks she can bring her kids to dinner? Then I'd be like, you think I'm fucking retarded? I'd be like, hey, I go, hey, are you free Friday? You hit me up on DM or something? Yeah, what are you doing Friday?

Who the fuck is this? Who dissed? You know, you see the checkmark, you know who the fuck it is. Okay. Wait, hold on. Is this the guy that talks about coming on curtains or the guy who talks about taking his shits? Yeah, yeah.

Now, what's up? That's terrible. What are you doing Friday? I don't want an answer in your court, chef. What are you doing Friday? You better not be bleeding. Oh my God. Okay, let's go back to this.

That's terrible. I don't think I go. I've been out of the game a while. I don't know how to do it. You've changed. Where are we here? So you and I, this Wednesday, 7 p.m. Look, obviously I'm attracted to you.

You're attracted to me. You're obviously a smart girl. You're about to be a dentist. I'm a recovering attorney with an MBA who's about to be a millionaire in the next 18 months building a digital marketing agency. Well, it's bartending. So that's, I think that's where this video goes on a turn.

I think he was okay, actually. And then this is where the bragging, the resume. I actually can see how it happened. Do you know what happened? I know how it happened. Because he scripted it, he was like, so you said the thing. Now you gotta talk about your qualities.

Like what's good about you? Well, I'm busy. I'm gonna be rich. Because you're a 10, I'm a 10. We are obviously two catches that have actually come together. And I think we should definitely hang out, man. Let's not let ourselves get busy

because I know I'll probably get super busy. You'll probably get super busy. And here's the fear. And then life will just take us to our next course. I don't want that to happen without us at least sitting down having a little chat. See, this part too makes, this is the fear part of like, we can't let the ships pass in the night.

I got a dude, bro, ombre. Yeah, you're right, yeah. That guy's fella, champ. What's up dude? Hey dude. Don't call woman that shit ever. But that's also nerves and like, you know. Yeah, he's trying to be cash.

Now, here's the other part that kind of, you know, stands out about it is that he is, he's trying to build, it's like he had bullet points. Yeah, what's good about me? What's good about you? What I can offer you? He said, you're attracted to me. You don't know that.

Like you can't, you can't make that claim about somebody else. I'm attracted to you is where it should end. Yeah. I'm attracted to you. Do you want to go out? But even in a video, if, oh man, I'll tell you what happened to me in college.

They tell the story before? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if you've heard this one before. I was a boy in college who really, really, really liked me and he left me the most painful voicemail. It was similar of this, of like, I just, I like you so much.

Yeah. I just, I just, I think you're so beautiful and you're just so wonderful. And I just, I miss you. And I was like, oh wow. Like we hadn't even, I Frenched him. We had like, nothing had happened. And he was, it was so overwhelming.

It killed the deal. But that's why. It killed it. It killed it. But every guy, this is like, this goes back for me to this. This is the ultimate video. But here's the deal, I didn't share,

I'm sorry, I just have to say, I did not share it with another soul. I did not call my friends in and go, hey, listen to this dickhead who's pouring his heart out to me. Right, that's rude as shit. Yeah. But the original, the real thing that sets,

like the way that this can go really wrong is. I hope this video doesn't scare you. Okay. Guys, good morning Julia. And here's why. Good morning Julia is the kind of worst version of this. But here's the thing, every guy, and I've said this since the beginning,

even with Joe, with good morning Julia, every guy relates to the instinct to do it. You felt the feeling of like, I wanna tell her that I wanna be with you. And like, it's parts of you that just have the breaks that go like, no, that's too much. And then you dial it back more.

No, that's too much. And then you dial it back more until you're like, what's up? But like, the instinct has always been there, right? Like if you meet somebody and it's just, you feel fireworks, you wanna say, I just, I can't stop thinking about you. And plus, don't the movies, like with the John Cusack movie

where he holds up the fucking thing, like you're trained to pursue. So those are in your head, I should go, I wanna be like vulnerable and just open up my heart. I can't stop thinking about you. And then, I built this house with my hands. I'll build you stuff too. Like you think that she's gonna be like,

this is like a movie. You think it's gonna be a movie, but it's not a movie. It's actually pussy repellent, big time. But you just, you don't know. Just wanted to do a video instead of a text or a phone call. But that's a bad idea, okay? Because the truth is in the beginning of courtship, the greatest tool you have is your element of mystery.

You're allowing that other person to idealize you. It literally is the idealization phase of a relationship. Very true. And you don't wanna fuck that up at the beginning. Don't fuck up the romanticizing the other person, that's what crush is. Don't fuck up the mystery. If you go, let's knock off the mystery here, then. What's the point? Yeah.

You want to swim through the mystery part, of letting it happen, letting those things kind of settle in. If you just go like, hey, hey, hey, just so you know, this is how it's just- I jack off five times a day, I use my left hand. Yeah, you're gonna tug my bowls to make me cum. Yeah, like nobody wants to know. Especially women need to, because guys are gross

and guys are, like let's face it, you guys are kind of basic. Like at the end of the day, there's not a lot of excitement. Like you're just people that like sandwiches and blowjobs and football and you know. So let us have the romanticization period. True, true, true.

Because pretty soon it's just athlete's foot and crotch scratching and farting on my hand and calling me titsloppers and triple D slut wife and all that fun stuff, you know. The romance goes pretty quick. That's not the romance going, that's the romance being here. That's the romance.

That's the romance? Yeah. Smelling your farts and that's the one good thing about COVID. I haven't smelled your farts in a month. I was looking for in the classics here. The classics. Let's see if there's a fight, if it's in here, let's see. There's so many cool guys in here, it's hard. There's Terry, there's Make Daddy come.

Oh, I found it. Here we go. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Imagine getting this. Just wanted to say hi. Wish you a great day. Tell you that meeting you yesterday

and getting a look at you was probably one of the greatest moments of my life. You were so beautiful. You don't know how beautiful you are to me. I mean, just you're gorgeous, you're precious. Yeah, so this is so much worse than Charles and Elliot. Does he have the same level? I want them to take that with them.

You're way better than this. This is not the same caliber as Charles or Elliot. Not even close. This is stalker. This is like, I had met Julia, I didn't even meet her in the gym with her after. The, Charles had a match on match.com. Elliot exchanged numbers with somebody in person.

It's a follow up. He was like, give me your phone and took it. And then he was like, I hope I don't scare you when I send you this. It's totally different. But also here's the thing, even all the jokes about him, I still feel for the guy.

I know that he's misguided and doesn't know, like I assume this guy in this video probably came out of a relationship a while ago and hasn't met somebody and saw this girl. And then he just like became infatuated, you know what I mean? And told himself. But like sending the video is such a bad.

Okay, Charles and Elliot don't have the same vibe as him. This guy has like, and I want to say this for the girls listening, like scary, scary, I'm going to want to control you vibes. This is controlling, I'm going to put my tentacles around you and never let go. I'm desperate.

It's kind of like, this is a different energy than those other two boys. It's totally different energy. This is desperation and scary. And emotional problems. This is like, remember Mary Lynn was in here and she was telling us a story about, she went on a date and then went out for coffee with a guy

and then she was like, and he was just like, well, you're mine. That's right, that's this. Yeah, we're together now. No, no, no, that's, this is other level shit, Joe. This guy deserves to be shamed a little. But it's been sitting in my mind when you said to me,

you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend. She told him that, please erase him from your memory. Don't ever go back in the past. I know, I'm like my ex. And I understand when, you know, you're trying to find somebody to go on dates and nothing compares to your ex, but there is that better person out there.

And Julia, I promise you, it is me. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Now do you feel better, Elliot? Now you feel better? Not so bad. He made a good interesting point too, I think, about not having a father to model after. I gotta tell you, I have a father

and he did a terrible job when it came to, to like how to interact with women. Because I think top dog's model was that, you look very nice today, how's your dress? I one time, in a point of vulnerability. Like, you know when you're just like, not even thinking who you're talking to? I had a thing for this girl in college.

And I, I fucked, I blew her off and then I wished I hadn't. And I would just happen to be talking to her because he was like, what's going on? And I was like, ah, you know, this girl and all that. He was like, well. Oh, shit. Why don't you give her a call?

And I go, and say what? He's like, I'd like to take you out sometime. You like dancing? And I was like, what? And he was like, just let her know. And I go, dad, what the fuck? He's like, well, say it how you would say it. Like he was talking like it was a fucking fifties.

He was like, I'll pick you up and drop you off. We could go to the soda shop and share a milkshake. Do you know how to do the jitterbug? Yeah. And I was like, please never advise me. And he's like, well, you know, just say it how you'd say it. You can bring your chaperone or whatever it is. Oh my God.

Nobody in my family I could talk to. No. Like, I think of that when Elliot said that I was like, my dad would give me like, like I said, like 1950s dating advice. My mom, oh my God. Oh, your mom's the worst. But my mom also is the, is a head games person.

So she was like, she would be like, don't call her now, wait. And I was like, wait, what? Like she would, she was trying to like help me with head games. Yeah, that's, that's a whole other skill. And I was like, I don't want to do that. And then, and then she was, you know, if I was going out with her girl,

she was like, I hope you are being a gentleman and not a pervert. Of course you're a pervert. And I was like, yeah, of course. Of course I'll wait till I'm married. Jesus mom. And then, no, and then my sisters were, they would, dude, they would be so deep

into their own psychological games with their own dating that they'd be like, she's a bitch, anyway, I'll give you advice. I was like, none of this adds up. So I felt lost when it came to like, like who do I, who do I get guidance from? You know? Right, cause I can imagine Maria would be like,

ah, just fucking call her up. I'd tell you want to fuck her. And then take her and finger her in the movie theater. Sure that you really want to fuck. Yeah, I want to, I want to jack them off. And you're like, okay. And then what would Jane be like? Well, Jane would be more quiet and reserved.

She would have, she'd have an opinion but you'd have to kind of like get it out of her. And she liked, like the story and then, but I feel like she'd be less certain of what, you know, I don't know. I just ultimately, I remember being just like a teen, just being like, well, who do I model? Like who do I listen to, you know?

And then I had friends who were like, one friend of mine just was never single. Never not, he was never single. He would break up with a girl on Monday and Thursday. New chick. You know, a girlfriend. He wouldn't have like a date. It would be like this girl for a year.

And then he'd switch. I was like, Jesus Christ. I didn't know how to model out either. So I felt, I feel like I could have definitely been mid-30s sending videos. Fun. Hey, I'm Tom. How's it going?

I got a buy on a canned. I got a buy on a canned. I'm a international headlining comedian. Oh God. Maybe you've heard of Netflix. I have a few programs on there. Bar. You ever fly private?

All right. So I'll pick you up Friday. Now. Ew. Okay. We'll pass on you then. That was. That was the worst.

That was bad. How should I do it? I'm sending a video message. I know. Let me think of it. It's, see, that's the thing is that like, I think it's, it must be so hard for people now because there's like almost no way to make your profile

look remotely cool or normal. Like it's so, it must be so hard. It's gotta be hard. I know. Like how do you, first of all, what photo do you choose? What's going on? It's Tom.

No, you don't send a video message. I met you the other day. I thought you were really cute and I don't know. I'd love to spend more time with you. I'm barf. I'm out. My pussy dried up. Damn.

Well, my pussy dried up. I just started though. I didn't even get to the good part. I'd like to spend more time with you. Like nerd alert, dude. All right. Hey bitch, check this shit out. No, not a bitch either.

Well, then, I mean, I'm trying to give you. That's so hard. You're like, cause you have to show her that you're interested. So you can't call her up like a friend and just be like, hey dude. Aw, like that.

I'm interested. That's what I was trying to show. Okay. I can't be like, hey dude. What's up? That's too casual. Hey dog. Yeah.

Hey dog. Okay. And texting is disrespectful. It is? To just text for a date. Like, hey, do you want to go out on a date on Friday? But why don't you call me like a gentleman? Okay.

It's too complicated. There's too many, and there's too many different ways to communicate with people. There's like the DM game, right? And then there's the, do you text? Do you call?

Do you? There's so many different ways. Different categories, different places. How do you guys communicate with women that you actually like and respect? Do you text or you, right? That's texting games, phone call. Let's ask these guys.

How do you do it? Well, I mean, right off the beginning, I mean, setting up the first date, yeah, that's all text. You don't call them up and be like, hey, I'd love to take you out. It already starts with texting. That's how you determine a date?

Hey, let's meet at Curio seven years. Oh yeah, because if you're meeting them on, I don't know, some online dating site, like that's not where it is. If you meet somebody, do you stay in, like if you're DMing, do you stay in that? Or do you text in addition to,

or do you just? It depends, I feel like every person has a rule. Like I don't really text until I've met the person, like in real life. And so I usually just stay in the DMs until we actually meet. And then it switches? Yeah, if they're, you know,

if I'd like a second date, then it switches over. Okay, good program. Do you ever call and talk to people? Never, no, calling someone is like showing up to their house unannounced. I kind of feel like that too. Like even in dating, I think even with like,

with the exception of my closest friends, I feel like a phone call feels like you're pounding on someone's door. And you're like, answer. And in a FaceTime, the only people at FaceTime are like inner circle, right? Like, yeah, no, but I mean like, I'll FaceTime Burt you on without any,

but like, if I were to FaceTime some, I figured they'd be like, what are you doing? Are you, that's like peeping in through someone's window? Yeah. FaceTime is the most intrusive. It's very, you have to be as such. You gotta clear a FaceTime with someone

that you're not close. Like, are we gonna FaceTime? Can I FaceTime you? Yo, yo, yeah. So that that person goes like, let me sit where I wanna sit and like look how I wanna look, right? Like, you can't just be like,

well for a woman, I'm sure more, but for, yeah, for even for a guy, I, you know, you go like, are we like, do you wanna FaceTime for this meeting? Like, you don't just go, I'm gonna FaceTime you. See, if we were to date now, I would just have to meet you at somebody's party or something

and be like, oh, this is Tommy's a comedian. And I'll be like, oh, really? What kind of comedy do you do? And then you be like, I'd be like, like, you don't fucking know. Take this shit. I'd be like, what do you do? Watch cartoons?

Really cool. Thanks for setting me up with him. God. This is unreal. What's up glasses? You got fucking vision problems? This is how you treat ladies? Hmm?

Huh? Huh? This is how you treat women? No, I think I'm pretty sweet, actually. Oh my God. I'm just doing. Here's the deal, but seriously, real talk? Yeah.

If I just saw your comedy, like let's say we met today. Yeah. And I was just like a casual fan of standup. I'd be like, this guy's a fucking savage. Like, like I did the first time I see you. If you just saw my standup, I would think that too. I'd be like, this guy's addict.

God, I don't know. I remember actually going, you want me to give you like a big secret time with a girl? Out of pocket, yeah, please. So I went out with a girl. Do I use that phrase right? Out of pocket.

No, not even close. I went out with this girl. I'd only been here like a year. Yeah. Okay. And we went on a few dates and she sees me do stand up a couple of times and like, hang out and she's like,

and basically she's like, oh, you gotta have like swagger and confidence. Yeah. Big dick energy. Yeah. Real BDE, you know? And then one time we were sleeping together. We're hooking up, right?

All these fucking whores I hear about now. And every time I ask him, how many girls have you been with? I don't know. Shit like, no. Yet when we sit down here, he's like, then there was the Judy 2004. This is before you and I dated.

And then back in the 90s, there was Clarissa and Corinne and Tracy. I'm like, you fucking lie at home. I don't lie. Like opens up and you have all these hoes on deck. Unreal. This is actually, you're gonna end up laughing at me. All right.

So she goes, I'm telling you how sweet I am. So I, and it's like more to the point of like, your comedy is savagery, but like it's not. Yes, it's not who you are. So she sees me and then, you know, we hook up. She's a real pig, okay? Wait, when you say hook up, you have intercourse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what hook up means. And she's a real savage in bed. Like a real, real dirty pig, right? Like not, she doesn't look like a pig. I'm just saying, like she's gross. Like what? Like she's nasty. No, you can't say that and then not give specifics.

Like, is she licking your, is she scrum? She's fingering, like an asking for fingers in her ass. And like, you know, just out of the gate, like right away. She's fingering your ass. Yes, yes. Shut up. You never told me this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fucking pour some tequila. I want to hear it. What are you doing? So she's like, she's such a savage. So what else does she, she fingers your ass? Yeah. She licks your asshole too? She doesn't lick my ass.

No, no, no. You're fingering her ass. There's a lot of butt play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you doing anal with her too? No, no, no. But that stuff's happening on the first time too. What?

Yeah, right out of the gate. And she was like playing with my dick, like at a bar, like in front of people. I was like, Jesus Christ. Well, you were slamming when you were 22. God damn. So she's like. Now, hold on, hold on, hold on.

So let's back that ass up. This is like the first date with this hoe? Yeah. First date. Yeah. Which bar is this? You can say this. It's on Melrose.

What is it? I don't know what it's called. Is it like that dive, that dumpy? It's like a dive ball. I know you're talking about. Okay. And she's like touching your D. Under a table.

And I was like, what the fuck, you know? This is wild. What are we doing here? What are you doing? I was looking for that picture that you posted of a young Tom Segura. Oh my God. Oh, it's in my stories.

He looks like a young Tom Newman. Because there's one in there now. He's so hot. Look at that fucking player. That's the guy. That's who fucked her. The guy on the left. That guy on the left fucked her.

Of course that guy on the left should have fucked all of. I'm sure you did. You lie. You tell me that you don't. But anyway, so you're at the bar and where do you meet this girl? Back it up even more. So how did you meet this chick?

I met her. I had done an improv show. And she was at the show. She was an audience member. And what? After the show, she was like, hi. There was a group of people that were friends going out for drinks.

And she was like, oh, let's go out for a drink. I was like, I thought she was cute, but I wasn't like, you're coming out with me. It was a group of us. So she probably saw you. And she was taken by your performer, your charisma, your funny guy, your cute shit. So you're at the bar and it's a group of you?

Well, it was a table. Like a table like this. Unreal. And she's a cross for me. Touching your dick across from you. She reaches her foot under and starts rubbing my dick. And I was like, wild. And then she was like looking at me like,

you know what's up, right? And I was like, Jesus Christ. So I know, I felt like the chick, you know? This is, and how old is she? Is she your age? Yeah, like my age. And I was like, this fucking whore. OK.

No, she was awesome. So we go back. She's fingering my ass. No, wait, wait, wait. No, wait. So hold on, so she's doing your D. And so you are like, you're like, well, what's up? Are we going to go to my house?

No, no. So when she is so forward, I'm like, you know, this is going to happen. Like you just understand it, you know? So we clear the bill, whatever. And there's like 10 people. So are you so at this point like, come on, let's fucking wrap this up.

Let's go home and fuck already? No, I know it's going to happen. It's not like let's wrap it. I'm like, I'm fucking you within an hour. So like the bill, we settle the bill. And then we get up and leave. And then she just basically just starts walking with me like. To your house.

No, we go to her place. So she lives near Milrose. Yeah, I think so. And walking. I think so. I mean, Jesus Christ is 20 years ago. Did you fuck her in the alleyway? Did you go to a house?

No, we went to her apartment. OK, so she was in a covering. OK, so you walked to her place. She was a nice apartment. It was nice. It was nice. She had money. Yeah.

Well, was she successful? I don't know if she was successful. I don't know. She had a nice apartment. I remember that. OK, so you're in her apartment. Yep. What happens next?

We start hooking up like right away. No. Yeah, we go to her bedroom and we start hooking up. And she immediately, as I'm on top of her, starts fingering my ass. And then as I stop for a second and look at her and she was like, mm, I was like, yeah. So then I do that for a while.

Then she flips over. And I go, oh, she likes fingers in my ass. Let's try it in hers, you know? And were you at all self-conscious about the state of your ass then? No, I don't think so. You weren't like, god, I just performed. It was awfully sweaty up there.

Because you know how you crotch sweat when you perform? You weren't worried about that smelling? It kind of felt like I don't worry about if a dog licks in my sweaty forehead. You feel like that's what this animal was trained to do. So I think she's at home right now. Wow, I mean, women, are you listening to this? This is what 20-something-year-old men think of you

when you just hook up with them. They treat you like dogs, okay? There's that guy right there. That guy on the left. That guy treated you like a dog. So is this the first time you put your finger in someone's butthole? No, no.

Well, that was just part of your- But it was probably with a fur that's been in one. Because I was like palm slamming. Oh, stop. I'm serious. I knew she was a real nasty. So I want to get to the point. The point.

Were you afraid of getting chocolate on your finger? I didn't think about it. I didn't think about it. I discovered it the next day. The chocolate? Yeah. It was under your nails? No, it was all over my finger and it dried.

Because I forgot to wash my finger after. So, oh, the laughter stopped. I think I'm gonna die. So the next- I think I'm dead. The next day, I do another. Oh, yeah. This is another thing this chick did.

Thank you. So we went, she calls me like, oh, you want to watch a movie or something with my friends. And I go, okay. So I go to her place. We're sitting on a couch like here with a blanket and then two friends are here and she starts jerking me off

while we're watching the movie. I was like- Were you hearing wedding bells? No, I was just like, yes. So, this is the funny part though, okay? So I'm still like sarcastic like myself, right? But I'm sweet to her like one-on-one alone. She doesn't like it.

No, she didn't want that guy. She doesn't want that guy. She wants like the comedy guy, like smart ass talking shit. She tells me what- So we've been hooking up for like, I don't know, let's say a month or something. She's like, hey, I don't get it at first.

She's like, I'm 23. She goes, why are you like like this? Like in bed. And I was like, what? She's like, you know, like kissing and all this stuff. I was like, what do you mean? I mean, you know, you're such like a aggressive like dude and you'd say, and then like in bed,

you're being all nice. I was like, oh, I'm sorry. So I'm like, okay. So then next time we hook up, she goes like, you know, don't hold back. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, imagine this, we're hooking up for like a month now.

She goes, you know, like I'm fucking this other guy right now and he'll stick dildos in my mouth and like, you know, call me a piece of shit and stuff. And I was like, it's like, what? She goes, yeah, you know, he spits on me, like makes me, and then he slaps me with this stuff. And she was like, okay. Like, do you get the fucking program now?

I was like, okay. So did you do it? No. Oh, I thought you were gonna tell me. So I fisted her and I spit in her face. No, I couldn't. I was so turned off by like the way that she told me. She's like, I'm banging this other guy

and this other guy. This other guy abuses me and why won't you? And so I was like, all right. So we hooked up one more time. Of course. You gotta say your goodbye. Yeah, I got one last. I just emptied the carton and then that was it.

Can I tell you for the record, Yana? I like sweet Tom. Yeah, of course. I'm more into sweet Tom than the, hey, look, my ball is you stupid bitch, Tom. You marry the sweet guy. Right, but you know what? But Snarky Tom is fun when we're busting chops

and we're laughing in the car and we're doing this show. I like that too, because I could not be married to a guy who was like, that's offensive or like some fucking pussy cry baby. I remember. It's horrible. Okay, talking to a girl in high school and she has the thing for me and we're on the phone.

You know, in high school, you sit around at night and you just talk on the phone. For hours, yeah. So we're talking on the phone and she was like, I don't like certain words. Oh boy. And I was like, what? And she told me she didn't like F-A-G.

That's like top word choice around here. And one other, I forget the other one. And I was like. Moist, most people know that. No, no, it was like a, you know, offensive word. Oh, so shouldn't I? And I was like, and I think she was like, are you there? And I was like, I'm just trying to process

what it would be like to be with you. Like, how horrible it would be to date you that I can't say my favorite words? Like, what the fuck? That should add it quickly. Well, because there's nothing where- And she turned out to be, I found out she turned out to be a real psycho.

Yeah, yeah. Really? This is like, we're 16 when I'm referring to now. And like all these years, I've heard, I could tell you- What's, so what kind of psycho you mean? Just, I've heard this person's very calculated because like I still have friends that know the pr- Like manipulation and stuff.

That's terrible. And like- Gosh, psychopath. Yeah, like psycho stuff. Wow. Uses people and like has been in multiple marriages and like all kinds of stuff. Yeah, I was like, ooh, dodged a bullet there.

Big time. Well, there's nothing worse than being in a relationship where you can't fully be yourself. Totally. I think, I mean, look, I am the messy champ as Nadav documents all the time. I am messy, I fart, I shit. I love talking about farting, shitting, burping.

Like I'm pretty gross, you know? And that didn't fly in my past relationships, believe it or not. Lots of men don't appreciate that side of my personality. Yeah, I can think of a few. I can't believe you had fingers in your butt and your fingering and you had chocolate on your finger and everything.

Yeah. Gosh. Well, I was living life 365. I mean, what do you mean it does? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. My goodness. I mean, everyone had a nasty one at one point. Well, let me think, I had an ex-boyfriend

and I tried to put a fangie in my bum hole. Yeah. And I was kind of like, whoop, no, I'm not into that. Yeah, that's fine. I was not into butt stuff, I try to think. Don't act like mine haven't been in there before. Well, no, you're my husband, though. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Well, and you know, it's looser now because of the child rear and stuff, child bearing. Yeah. It's fine. Totally fine. Damn. You're such a whore. You fucking lie to me about not remembering,

I can't remember, I can't remember, Your Honor. Yeah. What, meanwhile, the other day you wanted me to describe this guy's peener that I saw 20 years ago and you're like, oh, you don't remember, you don't remember. Because I don't buy that. I just don't buy, okay.

If I was like, hey, Nadav, any, when you were 14 and you know, so and so you said like their tits were huge. I'm like, how big were their tits? If you're like, you know, I just, it's not there anymore. And be like, what are you talking about? You just said that she had big tits. And you're like, how do you expect me to, I don't know. It's big, but I don't remember a specific number.

I can't quantify. Okay, all right. It's still a hot story, you know. Ah. All right. Would you cut, if you were a serial killer, would you cut off my vagina and eat it? Sure.

Like that guy Shaw crossed it. Martha Shaw crossed, yeah. We talked about it earlier. Of course I would do it. All right, we gotta wrap up the show. Thank you guys for listening. Okay. We'll see you guys next week.

I love you. I still love you. I love you too. Finger your ass, okay. Bye guys. Finger your ass. I'm wearing Gucci by Joseph Leones, our closing song. What's up, brand?

I'm wearing Gucci. I'm wearing Gucci. I'm wearing Gucci. What's up, what's up, what's up? I'm wearing Gucci. White male, tanning in California, having sex. I'm wearing Gucci. White male, having sex.

Cool. Cool guy. Last night I was in Manhattan at a bikini bar. That's the time of my life. Did cocaine, off a girl's titty, went to the bathroom with her after that. First she needed to have sex with her three times. Three times.

What's up, brand? I'm wearing Gucci. First she needed to have sex with her three times. Three times. Throughout the night, obviously, because first round I'm like 12 minutes. Second round was 40. Third round was 55 minutes.

And my dick is probably over-average for a white male at the height of 5'10". The cool guy club. Over-average for a white male. The cool white male guy club. I'm wearing Gucci. White male, tanning in California, having sex. I'm wearing Gucci.

Three times. Cool white male, cool guy. What's up, brand? I'm wearing Gucci.