Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 594 - Hasan Minhaj - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 10, 2021

SPONSORS: - Head to https://www.policygenius.com/ to save up to $1,055 per year on your home and auto insurance rates - Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to save $225 on your order - Go to https://Brooklinen.com and use code HOUSE for $25 with a minimum purchase of $100 - Go to https://www.getquip.com/MOM to get a FREE plastic dispenser with any refill plan. - Go to https://www.expressvpn.com/YOURMOM to get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free - Go to https://hellotushy.com/YOURMOM get 10% off your order and FREE shipping - Go to https://Whoop.com/house and get 15% off with code Yourmom THIS EPISODE IS FIRE!! Tom Segura and Christina P look at Tom's old headshots and the fan art that was made with them. They also review more "BTA" submissions, discuss what body modification CP will have done after her nose ring, and recount accidents they've had in public. They watch videos of three cool girls one is on laughing gas asking inappropriate questions to her dentist, another fall off of a treadmill, and the third eats seafood with her feet. Hasan Minhaj is a comedian, actor, and television host. He joins the Main Mommies on the couch to discuss pronunciation of his name, hosting the White House Correspondent's Dinner, his parents, chains, and more. Tim and Crystal introduce him to Fedsmoker, show him the wonders of TikTok, and play other cool clips for him.

Are you happy to be on TikTok now? I do have an account, but I don't know what to post first. I would love if you were like, all right fellas, let me tell you something about talking to women. And that's your first post? All right fellas, let me tell you, I pulled my wife. So you guys are in Chem 2B together. You wait three to four years while she's dating somebody else.

Then when they break up, you make your mother fucking move. But she's about to go get a master's program. It's too long, it just cuts out. Dude, that would be a great... It always cuts off. That would seriously be hilarious. And we're back, Chomos. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House.

She's Christina P. I'm Tommy Buns. I think it's Christine. Christine, we got a great show for you today. Oh my God, fire guest, fire dog. Shit slaps, this shit fucks hard. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah.

When did you get so cool, Dad? I'm just a cool young guy. Got a lot of shit for not fading in my sideburns. Yeah. Correctly, and I agree. It did look... What is the technique? So, because I went real short on the dome,

and then I had a full beard, so it looked like a fucking... Took a beard and went boop and put it on. And people were like, you look completely R-worded. So, you got to fade your sideburns, bro. So then, I don't know, I watched a video and I tried to do it. It looks really good, and I did it last night.

Faded real short here, and a little bit longer there, and a little longer below it. Dude, I love it. I think you're doing a great job. Thanks, thanks. I'm going to Barber School. You're going to stop being a comedian and do Barber School? I think so.

I think it'd be a smart move. I think so. I think if you go like, what's going on with your life? How can you make it better? Probably quit your current thing and start a new thing. Start a new career. You got it.

What if I become like the world's best barber? You could. I feel like this is how Bert's mind works. Like, in a genuine way. I think you're right. He's like, what if I just parasailed everywhere? I know. Yeah, you could.

Totally. That goes on in his brain. Yeah. There's so much to get into. Let's start the show. I'm trying. Yeah. What are you doing?

I'm looking at the note. One of those. I'm looking how fat my, yeah, my neck is. My double chin. It says that in the notes? No. It says, Tom's M.I.L. milk. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That was pretty good. What's that about? You want to find out? Yeah. Okay. I think we have time. We could probably.

Are those dick posts? Would you mind your dick? All right. Here. Here you go. Pull me up, Tom. I've been smoking for about a week. A week?

What about vaping, though? Anything that's going to cause any sucking. Be crying. I can't stop this, Eli. Sophia. Jesus. Shut up. This is big time.

Oh, it's rain. Don't bring anyone up in the bed. Yo, mama, the fuck is there? Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Tom Subsorber. And Christina Pajitsi. Christina Pajitsi. Welcome to your mom's house. Motherfucking hell.

Motherfucker. Yeah. I don't think it'll ever get old to me. It'll ever not be funny to watch somebody on like laughing gas. Yeah. Coming out of it. Coming out of it and saying wild shit. I'm almost,

aren't you kind of curious what you would say? Because I've seen so many of these now. Yeah. I'm like, I wonder where my mind would go. Me too. Because they get all emotional and they say crazy shit, you know? I'm trying to think. I think I'd be worried that I'm 20 years old again

because I dream about that a lot. It's a reoccurring dream. What's the dream? It's always that I'm in my 20s again and I'm looking for you and I'm looking for my children and I'm looking for my life. But you're 20. And I'm in my 20s and I'm like, I'm going, I'm back in time to a time when life was really uncertain for me.

Yeah. And I'm like, where's my husband? Where's Tom? And I can't find you. And it causes like panic in the dream. Wow. I know. This is a perfect unplanned segue into my post of my old headshots.

Oh, perfect. If you go to my Instagram and pull them up, we can talk about the hilarious memes. And yeah, also the fact that, that, yeah, there you go. There you go. Right there. These are great.

So I posted these on a throwback Thursday. And can I tell you something that people don't realize though? I love these. And I understand why they think that. So these are like, you pull through these. You're a baby. That's a baby right there. How old are you there?

Let's go through them all and talk me through what I say. OK. I think you go like, yeah, OK. So, oh, buddy. I moved to Los Angeles just before I turned 23. So these are all after I turned. These are between 23 and 25. This is the prime F in time.

This guy fucked. Yeah. So, no, I'm just kidding. No, no. But yeah, that's probably in probably like 23, maybe 24. But I snapped you up right around this. 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,040 25 is when I snatched this thing out.

But you met me around this time. Of course. How could I forget? Look at those smoldering wolf eyes. Wolf eyes. Yeah. I'm going to fuck this shit out of you. That was, that one I might even be.

I don't know. Maybe I just turned 23 because that's even younger. Your forehead looks too long. It's because of the photo. Everyone thinks that I have like a nine foot forehead. Yeah. It's a, I held a photo. Oh, so it bent.

Yeah, yeah. There's a little bit of it. Look at all that hair. Hey, dog. Hey, dog. Look at that hair. So wait, what, but give me the expression. Like, you know when photographers give you a thought?

Oh, yeah. And what's this thought? Like, you just got. I can tell you right now, this for sure is a commercial. Like, so when you get headshots, when you come to Los Angeles, you're like, I want to be an actor or whatever. You have theatrical headshots and commercial headshots. The idea is that a commercial headshot is going to be more.

Generic, smiley, mainstream. It's supposed to be like, could you put like fucking groceries in this next year and be like, I like to drink this. You know, so the idea is like, you look as plain and every man as possible. You're not going to wear crazy outfits. Theatrical, you're supposed to be, it's supposed to be more like kind of. There's, there's a choice being made.

As far as like, well, look pensive or, you know. Or smoldering. Yeah. Or fierce or sexy or like, you know, character. Like what, like picture a part, you know, like you're playing this part. In commercial, they're like, be affable and welcoming and smile. And smile big, yeah. So that's definitely that.

So that's your, hold on. So that was your I'm affable look. Yeah, this is like. I think so, probably. Hey, I'm Tom. I was probably like, I want to do a commercial. Hey Tom, I want to be the subway spokesperson. Yeah, there you go.

Yep. There you go. Oh, Mr. Clavicles. Why is there no come? That's his comment. That's his comment there. Yep. Next photo.

I think that's probably more theatrical. I don't think, but it could be commercial too. No, that's commercial because you don't smile like that ever. That's true. Ever in life. That's true. Never. Hey Tom, you're going to have a child.

Go ahead. Hey Tom, you just won the lottery. Yeah, not big deal. You know, you look like our son. You look like Alice there. I see our children. Oh, look at those eyes. There you go.

It gets better. It gets better. Yeah, now that was definitely a theatrical shot. Can I tell you what I remember about this photo? I remember the guy being like, so what are these? Like, what are these for? The photographer? Yeah.

And I go, you know, like commercial photographs and theatrical. Look at that gentleman. And he was like, you need to look like you're going to be in an action movie, like act, like try to be like, try to get a part. And like, he's like, oh yeah, you're a Navy SEAL. And he took his picture. I mean, here? Yeah.

Are you kidding me? This is a young, what's his name? Newman. Paul Newman. Paul Newman. I mean, you are. You're like, how many guys can we fuck today? Is that what you're saying?

There's a couple more that I think are really. You're like, no, no, no, no, no, I like this one the best because you're like, I'm going to fuck you. That's, is that what you're thinking? People, can I tell you something? When I see this photograph, I think that guy's going to fuck me too. Yeah.

You're going to fuck you? I think. Would you fuck you at this age? Well, I think that guy might do it as like a sympathy thing, you know, like as a favor. I mean, this is 20, this is 23, right? I might be 24. This is like, I remember meeting you around this age,

and this is when I was like, what's up, Tom Segura? What is up with Tom Segura? Oh, believe me, the whole county was thinking that. Now, next one. Whew, look at those chest hairs. Oh, that's the guy. Sweet, that's a fully commercial. You send that to a commercial agency,

they're going to bring you in for it. That's the guy. Now, this is the guy I started dating. This is 25, I believe, right? It's around there. Yeah, that's probably around 25, 24, 25. Oh, look at that. Real sweet.

Look at a nice guy. That's a nice guy. That's not who you are at all. At all. What a liar. I think you'll like this next one. Wait, here's my, here's my favorite thing about headshots, it's always, especially in this era,

it was like, go downtown, lean against a brick building, there's hobos next to you. Always, and when you live here, for the years after you've had these done, you drive around, you always see them being taken. There's like bridges I've driven by, oh, commercial headshots.

There you go, headshots. It's always like, let's get on a rooftop in downtown. It's always like some girl with her arm on. You're like, why are you standing under a bridge like that? But the lighting's perfect there, they use natural light. I could bring you a million terrible of mine. Oh, so many.

I have so many. And it's all dirty, too, by the end of the day, because you're standing and bumping. I'll tell you this, this last one, I've never really got any work off of it. Let me see. There we go. So you want to know the big reveal, though,

that this post got some heat. I mean, I thought it was a fun idea to use headshots and then use a final picture like this. Here's what everybody thinks. They all go, oh, it's chronological. So they go, what, like, this is how you fell apart. This photo, the photo that right there, that was first, that's when I was 20.

So this is your younger self. That's younger. And then you lost a bunch of weight. So I'm a sophomore in college right there. I'm on a cruise. I'm on a cruise. And the other guys in the photo look worse than me. I cut them out to not ruin their lives.

But I am, so I'm 18 months post OD. Sweet. I OD'd about 18 months before, and I stayed drug and alcohol, pretty much drug and alcohol free. But not doughnut free. Not doughnut free. And also I was like, I should get back into drugs. And so we went on.

No, I just, so what I ended up doing was like, I'm never gonna, I was of the mentality that like, you know, ODing is terrifying, right? And then after some time, you're like, I want to like still and like get fucked up, but not with like super hard core stuff. So I just was like, I'm gonna do weed and alcohol, right? Weed and alcohol.

We went on that cruise. My friend, like as we're going through security to get on the cruise ship, he's like, I have a half ounce on me. And you go through a fucking, what's it called? X-ray. Yeah. And they go and they scan your bags. I'm like, where?

He's like, right here. Like in his hand. I was like, what? And we're walking through security and you're 20 years old. You're kind of scared of how it could go. And I was like, uh-oh. He gets it through. And then we start smoking weed in our room.

And we're getting super, super faded. Crossfados, Barbados, all the way. And we're, and we meet other people that smoke weed. We're just smoking weed and getting, and getting fucked up every night, obviously. And that night, we got absolutely shit-faced. The next day, we got a knock on our door. And it was a security, the cruise ship security.

And he's like, shuts the door and he goes, we'll talk to you guys for a minute. We're like, okay. He goes, I know there's marijuana in here. And our hearts, I mean, you know, we're kids. We're college kids. And we're like, what? He's like, I can smell it.

I was in a band. Okay. Like I'm cool. Okay. He goes, let's just, you know, don't want to, like when we get to this port, they're going to bring dogs on. Like you might as well, let's deal with this now. So it doesn't evolve into something greater.

And we were like, well, we did have weed. But, you know, we finished it. So that smell is from like when we had it. And he was like, okay, like fair enough, blah, blah, blah. And just kind of wrapped it up and left. So when he leaves, of course, we're all like, oh my god, you know, they're going to bring dogs in here. We're going to be so, it wouldn't be in so much trouble.

And then it's like, then you kind of start to calm down a little bit. I was like, ah, you know, maybe it's not so bad. Denial sets in. Well, in that phase, one of the guys who was freaked out, flushed. Of course. Like a half ounce down the toilet. Of course he did. And we were like, what?

He was like, yeah. Guys are panicked. They're like, we have five days left, man. But we ended up meeting other people who had weed. Yeah. So we ended up smoking. But that was like a terrifying thing. But that's what I want to make clear is,

the fat guy is first chronologically in those photo sets. Just so we know. And then he lost weight. Got cuter. Got cuter. And then I got fat again. And those are other photos. That's when I, you got fat again when I had Ellis?

No. Before. Before. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take you through some photos. I'll remind you. You'll be like, oh yeah, I remember you got fat then.

Do you want to hear the difference between your experience about weed on cruise ships and mine? Yeah, sure. Yeah. So when I was 15, I went on a cruise with my stepsister, my stepdad, and my mom. We were both goth, my stepsister and I. Yeah.

Hardcore. And we went on a carnival cruise. We decided to sleep during the day and only go out at night because we were nocturnal vampires. That was cool. And we dressed fully goth on the boat. One of, we befriended one of the crew members. And he totally thought he was going to score with us.

And he's like, come over here. And like we'd sat down on the deck and then he would get us high every night and buy us drinks and get us liquored up. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I didn't make out with him. I think my my sister may have my stepsister. By the way, on that cruise. Yeah.

I still got some chicks. What the fuck? That fat. I still, I remember I got together with this chick who was 27. And when you're 20, 27 sounds like 50. Who the fuck is this now? This is another new name. It was a cruise with college people.

I mean, we're all fucking. You hooked up with a 27 year old when you were 20. Yeah. I'm telling you, that felt like a goddamn grandmother. Like I thought this was like a full fucking adult, you know. But hook up, you mean you put your dick in? No, no, no, no. I didn't I didn't have sex with her.

What'd you do? We just messed around, made out. And then did you see her again the next day? Yep. And she was like, yeah. And I don't blame her. I don't blame her. She made out with this fucking guy.

This is from oh my Jesus. It says G.H.B. from the Jug Segura. These are the memes that came from this. I love these guys. These guys really make Instagram pop. That one's the best. So funny. This is from prolific memes.

Oh my God. Live laugh love with my headshots. Do you know how many people message me like you have to make this a shirt or a poster? So many people said that to me. They're like, I want the live laugh love poster. I think you do it as a poster. It's funny. It's so ridiculous.

And sign some. I should have them at my shows, at my live shows. Yes. Do you want a poster? They're like, oh yeah, it's a tour poster. Uh-huh. But that's your tour. You should call it the.

And they're like, what the fuck is this? The live laugh love tour. Sign old headshots. It's a great idea. Yeah. It's really great. That's too funny. Then this one.

Let's see. Son of a fed smoker put me on Brad Pitt's body with Jen Aniston. That looks great. Yep. And then let's see here. Can you believe Jen Aniston got to bang Brad Pitt? This is the cool guy club put. Visited the Virgin Islands.

Now they're just the islands. Very funny. Mr. Clavicles, he named every photo. So Mark Wahlberg. Dougie Hauser MD. Rob Eiler. Michael Keaton. Jim Brewer.

Totally. And then finally. That one totally. Tom's a girl. That's a really good one too. And you're not wrong. No. This is back to square one.

All right. That was very, very fun. Oh my God. You, you had a little accident that we didn't really get to talk about. What? You had an accident in your panties. I can't tell. I can't tell if that's code for like our sexual behavior.

We really had an accident. I'm like, oh God, is he, is he saying something? Man. Okay. So I took our son Skeetal to Austin. Just Skeetal and I, Ellis and I, and we're hiking up in the mountains there and he's throwing rocks.

We're having a good time and I got to take a pee and there's nowhere to pee up there. There's no bathroom. Yeah. So I go old school. I squat on the rocks and I'm wearing my baggy Adidas pants, track pants. Hate having to pee in public.

It's the worst. Kid ruin your day. It's the worst. So I go, I squat. I go back to sit down and watch the kid playing and I notice I go, oh, my leg's a little wet. My leg's a little wet. And I'm examining my pants.

Not just a little wet, bro. Soaking wet. Soaked. He pissed all over them. And like both legs of my track suit pants covered in piss, bro. And here's, and I wiped with my mask too. Like I was like, I got a pee.

I don't have toilet paper. So I use my cloth mat, my paper mask, whatever. Wiped, left it. And I was like, I'm fucking covered in pee. We have to go to the airport in an hour here. And then he goes, I have to take a dump, mom. So now I have to find the kid at toilet. I'm covered in piss.

It was a nightmare. I mean, I haven't peed on myself like that since college. That was a long time. When I was dressed as Jeannie in Halloween in the Castro. Yeah. And I pulled my Jeannie costume down to piss in the streets and I pissed in the sewer, like in there. And I got sewer filth all over my costume.

And I smelled like sewer, not just pee. The whole night I was so drunk. Can I tell you something? Sure. It's gross. And then like when you, the last couple sentences really turned me on. As Dr. Joe Court would say, I just need to tell you about it. OK, I'm glad you shared.

Communicate. Yeah. What's up, gutter trash? Oh my God. You should have seen the costume after because it was like shared Jeannie pants covered in like bum piss and dirt and grime. It was gnarly, dude. And fuck.

Dude, one time I got puked on at like a fair, like a county fair. Dude, this was so gnarly. So you know how you go through like, you might go through like a fashion choice for like a month. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this happened to be the month when I was 15 or 16, where I was wearing a wife beater under my t-shirt. Thank God.

Thank God. Because it was like, you know, I'd see like whatever. I was in Florida, like, oh, Florida people. I don't know. I just had it on. And then so we're at the state fair and it's the, what's it called? The, the one that got the rainbow. The one that goes around centrifugal force that has a ferris wheel,

but where the ferris wheel is a pod that also spins. It sounds like. I'm talking about. So you get into a little compartment and it's a ferris wheel, but not only does it go around in that like clock motion. A zipper, the zipper. But each one of those compartments also spins as it's going up and around. Yeah, it's called a nightmare.

So you're moving in different like. It's a nightmare. So we're standing in line to board this. Fuck that. And just like rain comes down and somebody vomited out of one of those. And I'm like, no, I'm like, I'm covered in their vomit and like there's chunks and stuff. So I was, it was like, I actually, I mean, I'm surprised. I don't still wear a white beater to this day because I was able to take my t-shirt off

and throw it in the trash and then have my wife beater on and I walked around like that. Dude. No, we didn't end the night. We still hung out there. Wait, did you have puke on your head and your hair? Probably a little bit, a little bit. And the smell didn't bother you? Probably a little bit.

But you know, I was, I'm sure I was high. Yeah, that is my worst nightmare. Oh, that is, that's the shit your worst nightmare. That is your worst nightmare. I would rather be covered in a stranger's diarrhea than a stranger's puke. Oh, stop it. Okay. Well, I mean, it's appropriate.

You know, try and do the show. Wait, but how, first of all. I'm about to throw up. First of all, how unsafe are these fair rides? Like you do. So unsafe. They're just meth heads, sneakers, putting them together. Yeah.

People who are, they're like all on parole. They're all scumbags. Probably. I don't know. Totally. Yeah, no, no. It's like a vagrant fucking playground. Gypsies, gypsies putting together these stupid things.

See you guys, keep time at the middle of that. Yeah, yeah. My parents, when I would beg and as a kid growing up in the valley, when there's those carnivals, we work at the fair. And I beg my dad, please, can we go to the front? He goes, are you fucking kidding me? This shit's so rickety. Falls apart.

You're going to die on all this bullshit. No way. No way. Of course. Of course. No way. You couldn't pay me to go on one of these fucking carnival rides. No way.

Let's let's take a look at just everybody is so excited about. Oh, first of all. Chitana mierdas or would you say it? Chitana de mierdas. Gypsy piece of shit. A roja zigan. A roja zigan. When I did that, by the way, I have the audio.

We should play it. I can pull the audio. I have the audio of being in Budapest. My first stop on my European tour the last time I toured. And she had taught me a roja zigan, which is rotten gypsy. And when I said it at the show, a pause break. The show stopped. And they were like, this guy gets it.

This guy gets it. When I said it to my driver, he was driving. He was like, whoa. He goes, don't say that in the streets. They will kill you. Okay. Sounds like I'm saying something right. Yeah.

What was it called? What was that opener called? The girl. Oh, here we go. Okay. I just wanted to play it because we didn't play the whole thing. When can I smoke? What do you think yet?

Sophia stop. So that's actually a good question. If you can, what I don't want you to get is a dry socket. Yeah. I don't smoke. It's not an infection. I smoke. And it will.

Can I say edible? Yeah, it doesn't smoke it. Yeah, it's lit. You need to try to avoid smoking for about a week. A week? What about vaping, though? Anything that's going to cause any sucking. Be crying.

I can't suck this, either. Sophia. Jesus. Shut up. God, that's so fantastic. That's amazing. It's amazing. Oh, I love Sophia a lot.

Sophia, you get it now. Sometimes I wish I could guest on, you know, when famous people get to do spots on television shows for children, my fantasy is to be on Storybots or Sesame Street. And last night, you were like, that's never going to happen for us. Yeah.

Because it looks like that on our show. It will never happen. Because I had the same thought, especially like I remember when Ellis was a few, or whatever, months old or a year old were watching something together. I was like, that'd be so cool if I popped on screen right now.

And I was like, hey, boys, here's how you count to 10 or whatever. And then I was like, oh, they'll never find that. They're going to cast us on that show. So it'll be like, who? And then they'll look it up. 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:26,400 And they'll be like, no, of course not.

This guy has a clip of a person putting a Diet Coke in their ass and pushing it out. I know. Whoops. The Big Titted Animal Challenge is really, really, really making people happy. And we're so happy that you're happy. It really makes me laugh, too.

So it continues. This is, of course, the challenge where you call your partner a Big Titted Animal and then you record them and see what kind of reaction you get. So it's been a lot of fun. I'm just glad that other women are now experiencing what I've been experiencing

for 15 years. Here's Ben with his submission. How was it for you, you Big Titted Animal? I like those genuine reactions. Big Titted Animal. Here's Bryce and Juliet. What are you going to make me muck as your Big Titted Animal?

What? Seriously? She's sweet. Yeah. What? Yeah. She's not used to being called that at all. No, that guy does not say crazy shit to her like that.

She's like, why would you say that? Here's Emma, Emma and Mum. Oh, with her mum? What's for tea, your Big Titted Animal? I never thought to say it to your mother. Yeah. It's such a good idea. It is such a good idea.

It's such a good idea. You could, you call your mother, send you a text to us already though. That's true. Yeah. Here's, is it Eva, Eva? Let's see her. What are you eating there?

Oh, her mum too. You Big Titted Animal. Hey. What are you eating there? You Big Titted Animal. Especially when you're enjoying a piece of pizza. Yeah, when you're eating something, it's like you Big Titted Animal.

Fantastic. You fat fuck. Oh, it's crazy. Jennifer. There's my Big Titted Animal. That's a woman who's used to hearing crazy shit from her man. For sure. Yes.

She laughed at me. She was like. She was like, this guy. That guy. Fucking Mike. Here's Spencer and Alyssa. You ready for dinner, you Big Titted Animal? He was fucking killing you.

That was perfect. That was a perfect ending. That was a perfect button. That was perfect. She looked at him like, I'm gonna fucking wreck you. Love it. If you want to send yours in your mom's podcast at gmail.com.

No house. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Very. For those of you who want to know why, it's not your mom's house podcast. Because when we opened the gmail account a million years ago, it was already taken. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I opened that up and I tried. I don't really do not like getting my feet messy, but I know y'all love these seafood moob arms. So I got to give it to y'all every time I do. I don't like these messes now. What? Yeah.

She's the best. Yeah. So there's mukbang. Mukbang is a very popular video type. Oh, it's been on the talk for a long time. Talk on YouTube and Instagram and she just eat, eat, eat, eat, eat. Yes. I like watching them actually.

It's incredible that there's this one that I saw. I think you showed it to me. This little tiny Asian lady. Yeah. Went to a steakhouse and just devoured the bread roll, the big, the bread loaf, the salad, an appetizer, and like a 50 ounce steak. Yeah. And then everybody in the restaurant was like, what the fuck?

Damn. Well, there's one Asian lady on TikTok where she's always eating extra large seafood and she's like, and she says something and then she'll take like a huge crab. Yeah. My mouth claw, whatever. It's like this big. Do they puke this out when they're done? I imagine.

I mean, yeah. This lady has no arms. No, I know. It's kind of wild. If you're listening, she has no arms. She can crack that shit with her toes. Yeah. Damn.

That's talent, y'all. What? Oh, she has like fine motor skills. Yeah. You know? It's that amazing how adaptable humans are. Human beings are incredible. She uses her toes like fingers, you guys.

Yeah. Like to pull up, like indeed, like pull things apart. No. And I'm impressed when I can pick up trash on the floor with my toes. Yeah. That is like other level. Yeah. Wow.

I want to train myself to do this. You can. How many hours do you think it would take? I think it's quite a while. I think it would take quite a while. Holy shit. Are you going to do what I asked you to do or not? Oh crap.

Perfect. Look at this perfect photo of you speaking of headshots. Speaking of headshots. Here's a perfect one. Shout out to Cynthia Smalley who did these over the years. Yeah. That's a beautiful photo. Finally, a photo I don't mind looking at of you.

God. Was that Cynthia? I don't know. Or was this Von Swank? I don't know. I don't know. Is Robin Von Swank? I'm not sure.

Only two people live. Photographed me over the years. Oh, it looks good. Either way, it looks good. Yeah. So maybe next week you can get one? Yes. Maybe next week.

I've made an appointment already. Finally. Yes, I have. You should talk about, are you really going to do it? Yeah. I'm very happy. Like it pleases me that you're going to do it. Yeah, I know.

And I think it's a perfect, like it shows me that you're probably ready for the next phase. What are you talking about? I haven't even done this one yet. I know. What do you mean what's the next phase? I've already cut bangs which I'm not thrilled about. You got nose hair.

Everybody says I look like Garth from Wayne's World now. I love it. I think the next phase for me would be a tit job. What are you talking about? Getting some like serious, serious tits in you. I have serious tits in me. No. You don't.

What are you talking about? I mean, I like them. I can't get them in bigger. You can get them bigger. I've talked to doctors about it. I think, I think if you were to get like, maybe like three sizes bigger than you have now. Oh my God.

And like where they're really like up. I have huge cans already. But make them bigger. But like Nikki Glaser, she calls her as big sneaky tits. Mine are kind of big and sneaky too, but they're huge already. Okay. You want me to go what, Jays or something? Yeah, I want to do that.

And then there's one final thing and then we're done. What's the final thing? For this year. Oh my God. So we got, you got your hair, you got it right. Yeah. Getting the nose ring that I need. And we're going to do tit implants to like a G or J.

And then we do like a throat chest piece. And then we're done. A throat chest piece. Yeah. Like it starts at the throat and then it goes down to your chest. Of what? Like a daggers. Oh God.

That's hot. Yeah. I do like how it looks actually. Fuck yeah. It looks dope. Oh my God. I'm a J. My D right now. It's hot.

No, it looks amazing. Okay. I'm thinking something similar to this. Right here, there's a demon on your throat that's screaming and he's reaching down and grabbing your new big tits. So you see his like claws come down and grab your tits. This is such a hot look. Well, here's my worry.

Oh yeah, yeah. I'll click that, click that middle one there. Babe, I'm, you realize that chick's like 20 years old. She's got the nose ring. She's got the nose ring. She's got the hair right. I can't see her tits but her tat is working. But you think this is appropriate for a 44 year old mother of two?

Yes, I do. I can't go to drop off like that. Sure you can. But you think these people don't have kids? Of course they do. Oh my God, that's hot. Tom. I'm going to bust two nuts right here.

Babe. You don't think this will scare the children? No. We'll have them come to the session so they can watch it. Well look, Kray Sean's up there. She's a friend of mine. Yeah, go up. That's Kray.

Oh, hit that. She's got one and she's got a son. Hit hers, the left photograph there. Yeah, what's this say? Me? Oh, and there's an eight ball. Yeah, she's got a lot more tattoos than that though. But that's Kray.

She could do that. Yeah. I can't pull this off, babe. I can barely pull off the nose ring. I'm a little nervous. That looks perfect on you right there. And you can do this too. Yes.

This is working on all of them and it's going to work on you too. Babe, I can't cover this up though. I'd have to wear a turtleneck to cover it up. Well, I need to cover it up. I'm supposed to show it off. But it's aggressive. It's a little too aggressive. I disagree.

And I think we'll do the tits first and then we'll do the tats after. Okay, cool. All right. Thanks. Well, what are you going to do for me? I'm going to tell you what looks good. What about your body mods? What mods do you want me to do?

I'm going to get a Prince Albert. For real? You wouldn't mind that. You being serious? Yes. If I get a nose ring, will you pierce your junk? I think that type of piercing goes with your tit job, not just the nose ring.

Oh, bullshit. Yeah. It's a genital piercing. I got bangs and I'm getting a nose ring. Doesn't that get me one genital piercing? No. The genital piercing goes with your tit job. I'll do it with your tit job.

For real. No, it's not the same. It is the same. That's a lot harder for me to. It's hard to get my dick head pierced. But you like it. So what? Okay, whatever.

We're going to talk about this. Is this funny or not? Taking off your hoodie. That dude didn't even stop. Let's do it on the bike. Oh, I know. He's like, all right. Bitch, help her.

That was great. That was great. That was a woman on a treadmill who took off her hoodie. Can I tell you why this is so close to me? Is that I can see myself being dumb enough and doing the exact same. I wasn't going to use those words, but I could see you doing this.

Yeah, I could. I probably have tried to do this a million times. So she's taken off her hoodie on the, what's this called, treadmill, and then it pushes her back into the elliptical machine. It's pretty great. I would have done that. Thank you.

We are back with a great guest, the greatest head of hair in the world of comedy. Let's talk about it. It belongs to the one and only Hasan Minhaj. I watched Ellen. How's it going? Yeah. We watched it and we studied.

Yo, you hit the hard. I hit it hard. I got to say that clip though, I remember when that clip kind of went viral and I was like, oh yeah, I never thought I was saying it wrong. But it's partially my fault too. Why?

Because I just went along with it. Yeah, because I remember early on at open mics when I started in Sacramento. Yeah. This guy, I'm not going to name his name, but he was running the open mic. He's like, bro, you got to change this. He's like, no, but he's going to be able to say his name.

Did you consider? Dude, I went home. This is like two, three weeks into doing stand-up. Yeah. I was like, yeah. And he's like, you know, he said Jamie Foxx. You know, he's like, you know, Jamie Foxx is not his real name, right?

Yeah. So he's like, you got to make it, you know, go like with like Sean or something. And I'm like, yeah, maybe I can go by like Sean. Yeah, Sean works. And did you have any stage names? No, I had for a second. I started being like, OK, maybe I'll say Sean.

And I was still living at home at the time. Yeah. And my sister was like, yo, who is Sean Pride? That was the name? Sean Pride is a good name. Yeah, I just like pulled. Like I was like, maybe it's this. But especially in San Francisco,

because then you're like the gay comic. They could be like. Oh, right. I didn't even think about that. Yeah. Yeah. Because where did you get Pride? What's that?

I was like, I just Googled, what does Sean mean in Hindi? And Sean is like Pride. And I'm like, OK, maybe that'll play a homage to that. And then Ayesha, my sister was like, this is the dumbest thing. What are you doing? The names thing is it's an interesting thing,

though, showbiz and historically showbiz, like I'm saying in America. Yeah. There's like a lot of people. I mean, you know, you've you worked for the daily show. Yeah. And Stuart is famously not John's. Like, you know, people know that.

Yeah. And you go, oh, I get it. Yeah, Lebowitz. Yeah, yeah. And and a lot of people have done that. I mean, what was the thing you tell me? Well, last night we were discussing Whoopi Goldberg. Oh, yeah.

Her real name is Karen Johnson. Karen Johnson. You know. And she chose a Jewish last name, which is interesting, because usually it was the opposite. They run this biz. Yeah. Smart move.

Yeah. Wait, was it Phyllis? Did she have it? Phyllis Diller. No, that was her marriage. How did you tell people early on that, like, you were bilingual? Like, was all of that just insane to people?

Or even like your upbringing, Christina? Me? Yeah, were people like, you're what? Yeah, they don't still, they still don't know. Your last name is a real mother fucker. And she's 15 years into stand up was like, I'm finally going to drop my last one. I'm just dropping it.

She just goes by Christina P. Younger. Yeah. Like, wow. Well, because it's such a, you know how it is. Yeah. I have, listen, as an immigrant, I have respect for Americans don't want to fucking, I get it, P-A-Z-S-I-T-Z-K-Y. I listen, I'm more than understanding.

Yeah. So I just dropped it. But now that you made it, you got to be like, you got to say all the vowels and consonants, right? No, I prefer it. I'm just like, I'm a new person. I'm reborn. I don't know.

Really? I remember those Polish names, I think, are actually the biggest motherfucker of, like for me, of names that you can be like, what's difficult? Yeah. Once I see like a K and a Y and a Z, I'm like, Are Polish names like the South Indian names? Like, all my South Indian friends,

it's like Venkataramana Jump. Like, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a hit. Yeah. I mean, think about it. We all know Shosheski because of Duke. Yeah. And even he's like, it's Coach K.

In Polish, what I love about Polish people is, y'all give like Z a lot of love. A lot of love. Z doesn't get any love. No, bro. But even in the South, when I went to the South, that's when I was like, oh, this last name is not helping me.

Because they were like, y'all, you're an outsider. You're like, you're not white enough. And I was like, wow, I guess I'm not. Yeah. Indian names are intimidating to like, like a white American who's lived in a white suburb. Yeah. You know, like they hear Indian names and they're like,

what? I want to talk to Sean Pratt, man. This is, yeah. Yeah. I mean, bro, it's so embarrassing. I bet. She saw my set list. My jokes were whacked too.

And she's like, what is this? That's amazing. Did you guys ever talk about that? Yeah. She clowns me so hard. So she can't, like when she comes to shows and when she like sees me do late night and stuff, she's like, you're such a loser.

Is that your alias in hotels? Do you sign in as Sean Pratt? No. I might start. Should I give the alias? Yeah. You have, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'll give you guys the alias. Hiro Mitsu. Hiro Mitsu? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Give you an HM. Yeah. That's good.

Still got an HM. That's good. I like that. But then sometimes if I'm getting picked up by the club or whatever, or take me to the hotel, they're like, you're not. Yeah, I'm here. I'm here, Mitsu.

I'm here, Mitsu. Yeah. Oh, I like that. That's funny. Yeah. I feel like I bet it's so annoying, because even now, I have, you know, I'm doing all this like PT, like physical therapy.

Yeah. And one of my therapists, her name is Mupara. Uh-huh. The first time she said it, she was like, I'm Mupara. And I was like, what? She was just calling me M. I was like, I can get it. Just fucking say it another time.

Yeah. And then she, you know, she repeated it. But she's saying that because she's met a million people who are like, huh? Yeah. And then she said, call me M and they're like, great. I'll call you M. Like you're like a bond agent?

Just call me M. Yeah, just call me M. And I was like, I can say your name. I just repeat it. Yeah. You know, so I say it right. No, if we're doing Benedict Cumberbatch, we can do husband and wife.

Exactly. You know what I mean? We're doing the whole Cumberbatch? Like Cumberbatch. Yeah. Like, are you? What a fucking name on that. Yeah.

The audacity too. See, for years, I held that belief because I was like, look, Arnold Schwarzenegger, you got to tell me that everybody learned Schwarzenegger. They learn, you know, and then I just got tired. You know what I mean? I got tired. I was like, it tires me out.

Well, people don't know it's the first five, 10 minutes. Hey, I'm Hasan. What? What? Hasan. No, it's Hasan. What? Like, you just want to be like, hey, how are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you just want to get to the conversation. Sure. But the whole conversation has the interlude up top. You know how like albums used to have these? Yep. And you're like, yo, skip track. I don't need the interlude.

Yeah. Well, do you have a word that rhymes with it? Because usually that helps people. Oh, that does help. Yeah. Cousin. Cousin. Yeah, like, hey, stop cousin.

Oh, there you go. I'm Hasan. Yeah. Yeah. Stop cousin, I'm Hasan. Because that really was a great moment. But when, but when, but like. He corrected it.

I said it right though, right? Yeah, you said it right. Yeah, but now when people are like, when people like you or Christina are like, hey, Hasan, I'm like, yo, is my family here? Oh, right, right. Because there were two people. There was, there was Hasan and then there's Hasan

and all my friends back home, like, all my they see friends back home were like, hey, what's up, Hasan Minaj? Oh, right. Oh, I'm Hasan Minaj. How did it get away? How did it get away down the wrong track? They were talking to me like, yo, yo, yo,

I'm a rapper, Hasan Minaj. Yeah. So who's the first person to call you Hasan, this guy at the open mic? Yeah. And then it's. And I was like, yeah, that's fine. And then you just, yeah.

Yeah. And I'm, and everybody, everybody. Hasan sounds like Dishon. Yeah. And also, and also there's like, there's also a bunch of black Muslims. So they go by Hasan, Hasan, that's where we're like, yeah.

So everybody knows kind of that. You know, there's also that pronunciation of it. I got you. Okay. So it's not out of no. It's not relating it to something they're familiar with. Yeah. And they're not figuring out that there's different ways.

Yeah. There's different ways to pronounce it. Now, did Ellen almost diarrhea herself when you corrected her? Because no, that was the best moment. I was like, he did not. No, it was. No, it was just one of those things where like my,

my mom and dad were in the crack. I saw that. Yes. Yeah. So they took the day off work. Both, both of my parents are like state employees. My mom works at the VA. My dad works for like the state. So they took the day off in D.C.

Is it D.C.? In Sacramento. In Sacramento. So I grew up and. And you guys flew, they flew down. They insisted on driving. So they did like the five hour I five sat, you know what I mean?

In the Camry pulled up. Yeah. The green Ellen on it. There's that sweet moment in that clip where you're like, my parents are here in the show. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I'm so happy.

But then, but then when the whole Hasan thing happened, my mom was just like, you know, she just doesn't, she was just like, what's going on? Yeah. You know, so I was like, what are we doing? Yeah. Because I always had this thing. I was like, oh, if I make it, then we'll figure it out.

And I'm like, what am I, what am I waiting for? This kind of, what are we doing? This is a perfect segue into a would you rather that we talked about last week. Oh my God, please. So, okay, we bring up two horrible scenarios. Okay. So would you rather, and I know you're going to react to this.

30 days. So once, once a day for a month, 30 days at night, like at the end of your day, you've done everything you need to do. Yeah. I finished all those. Yeah. Yeah.

You finished and then they're like, hey, check your emails. You're like, I'm all set. Right. You watch like a couple minutes of clips of just your parents' face. Okay. Okay. But orgasming.

Okay. So your dad's like, and your mom is like, but you're not seeing their naked bodies. I just see their face. You see their faces. It's not that comfortable. Just the ecstasy on your mom and your dad's face. Okay.

And what's my other choice? Your other choice is, you get in the car. Or park illegally. Quit. Okay. Quit, quit, quit. Quit. He's a good dog.

This all day. This all day. But wait a minute. This guy. Wait for it. He's giving himself a root canal. What is he doing? He's extracting it too.

Okay. I got it. All right. So, but he's not totally stable. Right. And did you ever do triple runs? Yeah. So what's the difference?

Oh my God. He wants to make love to you. What's love to you? Oh, do you know this? Do you know this through the, can you tell behind the oakleys, the folkleys? Look behind those folkleys. Does he want to?

I've done a deep dive on this guy. He's amazing. He's no longer with us. But he was amazing. And I proposed this scenario last week. It was ridiculous in the moment. Like, could we watch something new of his? Okay.

New to us. He had like a new drop. He dropped, he's dropped. He dropped, he has like 26 YouTube channels. And so it's like Tupac fucking recordings. They're just like popping up. And that I proposed the whole thing. And he didn't have somebody, like nobody in his life

was consolidating his content. Oh, no, no, no. And then he had the main and then he had, you know. He got rid of a lot of the people. Oh, damn. But I was like, oh, this scenario is horrible, which is fun for a would you rather. And then I was like, what would you rather do?

I was like, I definitely rather watch my parents than get in the car with this dude because I know what he's capable of. Yeah. And this is just, this is just. But this is more than just get in the car with him. Yeah. You have to make love.

You have to make love. You have to let him make love. But why are you guys adding the make love part? Oh, because you had to see your parents orgasm. Yeah, it's like either or. Like, would you rather let this guy. Now, she actually said, I'll get in the car and have sex with Fedsmo, that's his name, Fedsmo.

Yeah, easily. And I was like, this is a hardcore drug user. Like has done incredibly insane reckless shit. Yeah, I mean, look. And there's versus the discomfort of just seeing. But listen, he takes care of a dog. He keeps the dog alive. He can't be that much of a brute.

How do you not, by the way, Tom, how do you just not have shame around the whole parents sex thing? Yeah, I know. It's weird. Yeah. Like for me, I think my parents had sex twice. One for me and one for my sister. And you're like a nice kid.

Like your parents, you respect for them. You love your parents. I think you would emotionally scar you more. 100%. Than the physical. But you're not seeing them naked. Than making sweet love. You're not saying, you're not seeing them naked.

You're just seeing your face. It's just too much. It's too much. It's over. I'll tell you a story why. When I was in the eighth grade, one of my best friends, your parents just went through a divorce, right? So I didn't know this.

White people, majority do divorce, right? Whereas Indian people stay together, but they hate one another. And suffer. Right. But they sleep in different rooms and the whole thing. But there's one mortgage payment, right? There's not multiple mortgage payment.

There's not multiple holiday presents. Right. And it's also about, you know how people are like, oh, you should learn self-control and planking and all that? That's the original emotional plank. Both your parents rocking it out 40 plus years. Loveless marriage. You know what I mean?

Anyways, all that is to say, eighth grade, one of my best buds calls me. His parents have just gone through a divorce. He's like, my dad's starting to date again. I can hear him going at it next door. And I can hear it all. And this is back on landlines. He's calling me on a landline.

He's like, dude, I got to get out of here. And I was just, I remember in my mind, I was like, thank God my parents don't have sex. Yeah. Which is such a weird thing to think, wish, hope for. So to answer your question all day. All day? All day.

Same. I'm with you, bro. He takes out that tooth. We kind of patch it up a little bit. And we do what we have to do. All I ask is that he takes off the glasses. Oh, God, I think I got it. You want to make eye contact?

Make eye contact. Look at that bad tooth, folks. Folks. Look at that fucking thing. He's going to have to wash his hands before you touch his mouth. That's the way you do it, Falcon car wash. He's a car wash, too. You know what's crazy when you go to the dentist?

They don't let you keep the tooth. Yeah, never thought about that. Yeah. Have you asked? I've asked. I had a root canal, too. And I was like, can I keep the tooth? They're like, no.

Why? Dude, fuck you. Why? It's your fucking tooth. It's my tooth. No. This is some bullshit. Yeah.

And I was like, can you put it in like a little jar? Yeah. Like. Why don't we start a campaign? Because I want to see the damage that was done on it. Yeah. Yeah, I want to see it, too. It's my body part.

Yeah. What is the, what's the sign.org? What is it called? Change.org. Change.org. Change.org. Let me keep the goddamn tooth. And let's petition the American Dental Association

to start letting patients keep their teeth. They're their fucking teeth. And if you get lipodone, you should be able to keep it. Keep the fat, yes. It's your body. I've always wondered what human fat looks like, too. 00:50:29,840 --> 00:50:30,160 By the way.

Oh, you can see it on the TLC channel. Oh, really? They always have those. I'm imagining yellow foam. It's yellow and chunky looking. Yeah, soft. Now, because your parents are Indian. Yes.

Do they acknowledge your success as success? Because my immigrant parents were like, if you're not a doctor or a lawyer. Like, it's not real. Like, what's show business? You know? Yeah, I think they like, like when I did the White House Correspondent,

they're like, okay, this is serious. That's a big one. That's a big one. Yeah, that's a big one. Yeah, yeah. What year was yours, brother? 2017, yeah. 2017.

So you got a Trump one. You got a Trump one. I got the first Trump one. But he didn't show up. He didn't show up. Yeah, he didn't show up to any of them. That's cool. No, no, no.

Bo's cool. Yeah, it was cool. But they thought, they thought I went a little too hard in the paint. I don't think they understand that comedy. The point of that is to make fun of things. Dude, the, like hyperbole doesn't, they don't fully, do you know what I mean?

All the ones during the Trump years were great. And everybody went hard, I feel like. I feel like, yeah, I'm sure it wasn't super hard on them. But yeah, that's, that's when they, that's when my parents were like, all right, this is kind of. Because it was affiliated with the White House. Yeah, government.

You know what I mean? Like, this is serious. Yeah. But I remember like, what about when you had your, like when you had Patriot Act? I mean, like that's. That was, that was cool. But yeah, that was cool.

Like you're the host of a show. Yeah, at that point, they were, they were, they were cool with it. But I remember like trying to, you know, I'm like, I'm featuring for Russell Peters. Yeah, they didn't get it. Did you get to really? I got to, I got to do a guest set.

Oh. I was just doing it. But Russell was super nice shout out to Russell. He's the best dude. He's turning me over for him too. Yeah, I opened for him a number of times. It was really great for every time. He's such a sweetheart man.

The first time I did it, they were like, I got a call. Hey, you can work Palm Beach improv. Yeah. You know, in two weeks. I was like, okay. And they're like, you're going to, you're going to feature for Russell Peters.

I go, who the fuck's Russell Peters? And you went on YouTube and you were like, no, I was, they were like, oh no, all the shows are sold out. I was like, no, like at the time I had not heard of him. I was like, they're all sold out. Yeah. And they were like, yeah.

And I go, who is that? I thought it was like one of these things, you know, just like Jim Rogers. And you're like, what? Who's this person? I haven't heard of him. And then I get there and I mean, the shows weren't just sold out.

They were like. Insane. Like packed to the gills. Bro, when he blew up. Yeah. I remember I bought tickets because he was coming to the US to do like his first theater tour.

And I bought tickets. I drove from Sacramento to LA. He performed at Royce Auditorium or something at UCLA. I remember paying like $85. And I was telling my friend, I drove down with like my friends from high school and I was like, we got to go.

And they're like, I hate comedy. Don't your friends that, your friends that you grew up with, they don't like comedy, right? A couple of them. Your Polish friends that you grew up with, they're like, what? This is so.

Yeah, everybody, no one, no, there was no business of stand-up growing up. I will show clips. This is why we can't take ourselves seriously. I will show clips of like the five greatest comedians of all time to my friends that I grew up with. And these are successful people. They run the world, like work at a hedge fund,

where, you know, like top lawyer, blah, blah, blah. I'll be like, this is George Carlin. They're like, bro, why is he sad? And why does he have a rat tail? Yeah, they're like, I don't want to. I don't know if you ever had this conversation at all. I should have understood this before, but it took the conversation with Netflix

before I understood that like a game show on Netflix, or like a baking show or whatever you want to call it, like, hey, who can sculpt the wood the fastest? Yeah. Those shows get 10 times the views that any stand-up special gets. Oh, easily? I was like, what?

Just like a big, nailed it. Yeah. Because they're like, so what I'm saying is like, I didn't realize, well, I didn't realize that stand-up is like, it's niche entertainment. It's a super niche thing. I didn't, you forget it when you're in the world of it. You're like.

Dude, what'd you say, my best friend who I grew up with? Yeah. She's so oblivious to pop culture stuff. I'll be like, dude, you heard of Dane Cook. She's like, who's Dane Cook? Like, she's so checked out of it. What if you go Dave Chappelle? Yes, she won't know that one.

She might know that one. Yeah. I remember I told one of my friends. I was like, yo, like people are going to Ohio to go see Chappelle performing. I showed him a photo and he was like, the dude from You've Got Mail? That you can see on reruns right now on TNT?

The 1998s You've Got Mail. And I'm like, no, one of the greatest living comedians of all. They're like, what? But even then, you know, the funny thing is, his like meteoric rise to fame is really attached to a sketch show. Sure. You know what I mean?

Like he is a great stand-up, but the reason he's super famous, it's still because of that show, man. Like that's why. I don't think a lot of people even know that like, they come see me on tour and they saw kind of Homecoming King, but they don't really think of me

as like that I came up and stand up. They're like, oh, he tells stories and he can explain things to me really fast. To a lot of people to be like, that's the Daily Show guy. Yeah, like he just explains things to people fast. He explains it. Yeah, with a lot of screens. Do you, so you live in New York, right?

Yeah, we lived in New York for the past seven years. Do you live in the city? We lived in the city of Manhattan. Yeah. And then we live in Connecticut now. Oh, that's the move, right? That's the move. Have the kids.

Recently or like in life in Canada? Yeah, when we had my son, we straight up had a COVID baby. He was born like high to the pandemic. And so my three-year-old, she was out there just like licking elevator buttons and like hugging everybody at the bodega. I'm like, baby, we can't do this. And she thought it was hilarious.

Yeah. Like those first few weeks in New York City, people were walking around in like garbage bags. And she thought it was like the funniest, because we didn't know what it was. Remember like people were like wiping groceries with bleach? Yes. So she was just running up to everybody.

And I'm like, we got it. We got to get out of here. So we ended up just signing like a one-year lease at an Airbnb. Yeah, just in the works in Connecticut. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah.

New York's way different now though, right? I mean, even I talk to somebody there, they're like, it's weirdly quiet. Yeah. But then it's right now, I don't know when this is going to come out, but it's in this weird open closed like middle zone where there's like a place that is open

and then next door, it's just boarded up. Like we're out of business. We've left town. Figure it out. Anyone wants to like come in here and squat, you can do that. Such a bummer, the nationally, like just the businesses that you're like,

oh, this business, like this person's whole thing is ruined. Yeah. Which is gone. Yeah. Sad. Um, do you ever have bad neighbors in Manhattan, like in New York? Because it's such a, you're such a tight,

it's such a, the difference between LA and New York is like, you're shoulder to shoulder with people in New York and in LA, you're like in your car. Like, ehh. Yeah. So like that. But I feel like there's always, there's always like a, a social,

like a neighborly thing that happens in New York that you really can't mimic. I remember, I didn't, we, I didn't have crazy neighbors, but I remember the first apartment that I moved into, I had just gotten married and I had just gotten hired at the Daily Show. So we had just gotten married and I, I didn't know if I was going to keep the job.

Like I was like, I could get fired in a few months because sometimes, you know, there's quick turnaround in these types of things. So I ended up having roommates and one of my roommates was just like, everybody in New York just has this hustle. So he was selling light bulbs. So the whole living room was just filled with like light bulbs and just random shit.

And he was just part of like an international. Light bulb. Exporting light bulb, like. This is my stash, man. Yeah. And I'm like, what is this? Keeping inventory. Could you, could you snag one?

Like if you're lamp went out, could you go get one? No, I don't know. He's like, do not fuck with the inventory. Yeah. Yeah. So just weird shit like that. Everybody's just part of like a weird hustle. And then he would also like Airbnb, part of the apartment out and like,

Oh God. You know what I mean? Yeah. I haven't seen this. It was a lot. It was not that hard. I haven't seen this, but this is supposed to be a bad neighbor confrontation.

Okay. You're going to hear about it, buddy. Hi there. Are you Mr. Private Investigator? Why have you been stalking my house? So that's the picture. Take a picture. Please post it because then people can know

that you are. Is that his real voice? You are. It's through a megaphone. Scum. All your neighbors can know your scum as well. Please. I hope you post it.

You're not, you're not really intimidating me by taking a picture. I'm here to intimidate you and I am. What the hell is going on? So wait, does he have- But is he a private investigator? Is that guy a private investigator? You see the microphone on his?

Yeah. Yep. He has a speaker on his waist with a mic that's feeding into it. It's such a crazy thing to do. He has a headset. That is so crazy. Wow.

On your red face. I love it. And you know what? The next time you come and then try to intimidate me, I'm going to intimidate you back. I'll be here every time you intimidate me at my house. I will be here to intimidate you at your house. Yo, I love how he has the-

You know how when you go to Costco and there's the one Vitamix guy? Yeah, yeah. He's got the same Vitamix. Yeah. You know what I mean? That is some janky bullshit. That's like the speaker on the waist.

On the Walkman? I love how he's intimidating. Yeah, he's like, I'm intimidating you. He's like, no, you're not. Not with that Canadian accent. Well, go ahead. Go ahead, eh? See, get this side.

This is my good side. Oh, dear. You're done, buddy. In fact, you're going to jail. You're done, buddy. 00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:37,200 You're done, buddy. Scum.

Next cop, scum. You're going to jail, buddy. Dude, this makes me so sad. Yeah. Yeah. We're like- Remember when you watched the Truman Show? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But now anytime anything goes down, anywhere in public. Have you seen it? Like, I've seen fights break out just like at a united, like, waiting terminal. Everyone just pulls out their phones. Yeah, we're all just in the Truman Show now. Yeah.

I know. It sucks, right? But thank God for our show, because then we air it. Yes. All the content creators- It is a very strange reality. Isn't that deeply sad? Yeah.

Or even like, you know, I forget where I was. Somewhere with like a zoo or like- No, I think it was when I was in Australia. And somebody was like, we were seeing like a penguin at an exhibit and at the aquarium. And somebody said something like, hold on, hold on. I didn't get that with my phone.

And somebody else goes, you could just use your eyes and remember it. And I was like, hmm. Like, that like every- Like, you don't have to document- Every thing. Like, because we didn't for a long time, right?

01:00:43,280 --> 01:00:44,800 You're like, hey, I remember- Like, you didn't document your sister. It'd be it clowning you for your name. No, but it's great, yeah. But it's like, it's like, just so you didn't go- Yeah, vlog. Fucking yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there is something that he's saying

which is interesting about being a spectator to all of life now. Like you, you're creating content over every fucking moment of existence versus just being in that moment and like- Living it. Whoa, that's wild. Like that guy is on a microphone.

Like that lunacy is happening. Yeah. Like how do these people always have the wherewithal to pull out their phone? That's always the part that I'm like- But the thing that's sad about that is that they're like, I need a receipt right now. So like we're living and live.

Like I got to see the manager and show them the receipt now. But that's all happening in real time. Whereas like with us, we'd see this like crazy Costco megaphone dude and then we would take time to think about it, riff it out and then make it hyperbolic. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, dude.

Dude, I fear for our children. Oh, I do too. I fear for them. I do too. Even my brain- Because I started like, I started analog, right? Like I was born in 1976. I have started on pen and paper and newspapers and lockers

and putting posters on your locker and like, what's up dude? I like to cure. And then now it's everything's on social media. I'm Instagramming. Someone can talk shit to me from the fucking other side of the world. And my brain is overwhelmed and I'm depressed after it. Like I never put down my phone and go like,

that was awesome. So glad you got on social media and just fucking did that. Do you clap back? Tom, do you clap back? No, he does. He loves. Oh, you body slam other fuckers through tables? I mean, not all the time.

I used to do it more. He's the king of the claps. I feel like I'm the king of don't engage and don't give someone pleasure. But sometimes you do have to tell someone to go fuck themselves. And that's kind of fun to do. It's not a dialogue. It's just go fuck yourself, you know? Like get out of here.

And you're just straight up matumbo them to the stands. Just bat that shit into the stands. You don't do that, do you? Well, I do it a couple times. And I was like, why am I doing this? I didn't feel good doing it. But there's moments where you have the joke. Like I did this joke about Lamello Bos.

I performed at the NBA awards a couple years ago. And I made fun of James Harden. I think the joke was something along the lines of like, so many big players are here tonight. You know, Giannis, Luca, James Harden can be here tonight. You know, he's overseas in China, as you all know, he loves traveling or whatever. And then I did a tag about like, oh, no, no, no.

I go in classic play. James Harden couldn't be here tonight in classic playoff fashion. He didn't show up. And then I tagged it with like, he's in China right now. We all know how much he loves travel. Like you don't have to grown up that joke. Chris Paul made me write it.

So this was like three jokes about something that was happening like right that week. Where like there was him and Chris Paul were getting into it. Anyways, I do this joke about Lamello Ball. The time he was playing in Australia, we didn't know if he's going to make the league or not. Anyways, I said he's not going to make the league. He has a bunch of fans on Instagram

that like repost and like remember when this clown said Lamello Ball wouldn't make the league. And then people are just like, yo, this dude better say he's sorry. And I'm like, you're totally right. You should absolutely take a comedian, literally. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Where they're just like accountability now for your hyperbolic joke. I did engage people. I'll tell you this. Yeah. I just said not to, but I definitely did like yesterday. Yeah. When I went, I went to to get coffee.

Yeah. And I pulled out my phone. Yeah. And I was going to try oat milk in my coffee. So I'm going to try oat milk. I'll let you guys know how it is. Yeah. It's like my stories.

Yeah. All right. I try it. I'm like, it's just delicious. And then immediately I get some people being like, nah, man, like messaging me. It's, you know, that's not real milk. The blah, blah, blah.

And so I joking. This is about the oat milk decision. About oat milk decision. About being like, I'm on, I'm on board. So I jokingly say, hey, guys, you're being racist towards oats. And this fucked up. Yeah. If you don't like oat milk, fuck you.

You write this whole thing out. No, no, I say it. I say it like in my stories. So I just go like, but fuck you if you don't like oat milk. I like this rate. You're being racist and all lives matter. And milk, blah, blah. You're just saying every buzzword.

Everything. Then I get hit with like, hey, man. Uh, all lives matter is not a cool thing to say. And I'm talking about milk. Yeah. And so then I, like a couple of hours later, I go, I want to apologize. You want to say all oats matter.

I meant to say all milk matters. Gotcha. Okay. And, and I apologize. I was super fucked up. I'm an idiot. I apologize to everybody in the world. All milk matters.

2% whole milk. All right. I started listing milk. Yeah. Dude, the funny thing is. And then you triple down and then that got worse. Well, the whole thing is a lot of people are like, laughing about it and saying, you know,

it's ridiculous. This is funny. Yeah. Yeah. But in, in between those are people going, I hate that you apologize, man. You guys stick to your guy. They're like, what is happening?

And I'm like, what? What is happening? They're like, it's not like. You went like into just this vortex. And then somebody that I know wrote to me and they go, I appreciate the apology because words do matter. And I was like, what the fuck, man? I'm talking about milk.

Yeah. Like I'm not really apologizing. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what it's like to try to navigate on the internet. We're in an alternate universe. Like my brain is trying to comprehend the differences now. Between Christina P. The Avatar and you.

Bro, you know, just like the first fucking 40 years of my life for one way. And then the last few years it's like everything is gone. What happens is the origins are always from a good place. So the or like the idea of be accountable for your words and where like that comes from a good place. But like any movement or thought that is that comes from human beings, it's never going to be perfect.

So the overreach of it, of being like shouldn't say that. What if there was a button? You're like, I wish there was a button that just took you from your screens in person. Do you know what I mean? Just like it's like you just and then you appeared in person. Yeah. What'd you say?

What'd you say? It's called a what you say button. Yeah. What'd you say? Yeah. And you're just like, oh, I just meant I was talking about milk. Yeah. Oh, OK, cool.

You just keep it moving. Yeah. Or it transports you in person. What'd you say? And then remember like when you were in like in middle school or high school and a fight would break out. And they go and then people go like, I didn't fucking stutter. And you're like, oh, shit, now we're going.

Yeah. They should transport you to fucking junior high. Yeah. When you learn not to say shit to people. Yeah. Bring both. I think what you're trying to say is bring bullying back. Is that what I'm hearing?

I'm just trying to say, yo, let's just just say it to me. Say it to me. Because complete context is lost. Just say it to me. A hundred percent, bro. Yeah, it's true. The context. Because I've been called out like outside of Mr. DeMarco's

class like what'd you say? And I was like, ah, bro, I didn't. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't say anything. I'm sorry. Being called out really makes you sober up quick.

Like it makes you super quick. You're either going to stick to what you said or you're going to be like, I definitely didn't mean that. Yeah. Like when I called this kid's mom a cunt. How many fights have you been through in your life? I've been in three fights in my life. I've lost all three.

I've been in one and that's because I talk some shit to someone who I shouldn't have talked shit to, bro. And I learned after that. Yeah, you're like. Let's say shit to nobody now. I got jumped in fifth grade and I lost that. Yeah, yeah. Wait, by the way, this is the best take.

Shout out to Ronnie Chang. Yeah. This is Ronnie Chang's take. He goes, people love to talk smack online. By the way, everybody go to Ronnie Chang's Instagram stories. They're the funniest, philosophical. You don't know if he's joking or not joking, which is beautiful. Yes.

But he goes, he goes, people talking shit on the internet is the epitome of people who love the thrill of conflict without any of the consequences. That's a perfect way to summarize. I was like the perfect way to summarize your oat milk fiasco. Yes. That is exactly the thrill of conflict. Without any of the consequences.

With none of it. His special is fantastic, by the way. It's great. Wait, I gotta watch it. Is it on Netflix or what? Yeah. And this is a series. It's called Asian Comedian Destroys America.

We, oh yeah, I've seen that thing. He's really funny. Nice. Dressed nice. You know, more suits. Super sexy. Not some fucking shlub like me in a t-shirt. How much, how much thought do you put into your bomber jacket

decision for Bullhawk? It's a big one, right? A lot. It's a lot. And Christina, are you like, it's either blue or black? What are we really doing? I supervise all the decisions with that. You'll make a confess?

Confess. So I had to do. Be raw. I had to do. Raw stuff, slick stuff. Seth came over with a, with a, with a cart, right? Like with the fucking, the mobile hanger cart. With like 25 of them.

And put them all on. Then she has that line, which is great. There's who you think you are versus who you really are. Because sometimes you feel like this shit is fresh and they're like, you cannot wear that. So there was some of those. Like they're like, that's a little too. So it was like the leopard print Air Max 95 and shit like that.

Is this shit like that? Yeah. So like I could do this. A little. And because you're like, that looks dope. And they're like, not on you though. No. So, you know, you do that to, and then, and then.

You kind of pare it down. I think I'm going to do this. And this is the color scheme. We're going to go like blue, black, well, great. So all right, we're going to do blues. Then we, he brings this jacket that fits. Like sometimes that jacket is, like feels like the spoke, like, you know, the bond you're like, this is perfect.

He goes, but this one's kind of expensive. And I'm like, it's all right. And it's a, it's a jacket. It's a jacket. It's five grand. And I was like, damn. For a jacket, bro. That is expensive.

And it's not the right color. It's not a Dior dress. It's not, it's not the right color. So we're going to have to get it. First he goes, I'll ask the company that makes this, if they'll make it in blue. And he reaches out to them and they said they will make it, like a custom one in blue.

Two weeks after you film your special. No, they'll take four months or something. Yeah, right. So then he's like, we can look into dying this incredibly expensive jacket, which I have not purchased. I'm like, I don't know, man. That's really crazy.

Dying. Okay. Call Netflix, ask them to buy it. They say yes. So they buy the jacket. He sends it to get professionally dyed in color. Yeah. Then I go to London.

I go to Europe. I do like a 10 city thing. I end up in London. I'm in London. And I go, I don't know if I should wear that jacket. So I go to some fancy department store in London and I buy like 10 more. Like, and I have them shipped.

The exact same. In a panic about what's the jacket I'm going to wear. Yeah. For the special. Okay. I send them all. They all kind of, I get it. I start taking pictures and sending it to set.

He's like, I thought we had, I go, no, no, it's got to be this. It's got to be this one. And we get back and I go, I guess he shows me the, the now, the dyed leather. And I go, that does look amazing. And then I start having panic about wearing leather. I'm like, huh, I can't wear leather.

Why? I don't know. I just go like. He's not at a leather placing. I've got a leather place. He's not a leather guy. Like you think you're a leather guy. Yeah.

And then one time I tried on a jacket for my special. Yeah. And remember, I thank you so much. This is why you get married. Because I had on a leather jacket and he's like, okay, dice. And I was like, oh, no. But it was a wake up.

And I was like, you're right. I fucking hate you, but you're right. It had dice vibes. Fuck you, but you're right. So thank you. I ended up going, I go to New York, I do shows, and then we're going to do the special. And as we're like pulling into Austin, we shoot in Austin.

At what point, Christina, does this get annoying? The jacket. Probably the London, right? The London beat of it. Yeah. But like, I'm also understand because I'm a comic and I understand how neurotic one gets closer to taping. So I have sympathy.

Yeah. I have sympathy for it. And I get in there and I pull out my options. So I brought like multiples for the special. Yeah. And then I put on the jacket that I'm wearing. It's a jacket that I've owned for a couple of years. And I go, I'm just going to wear this.

So that's the greatest story. That's a jacket I've had. You're like, look, this is a jacket I had from Zara like four years ago. I just like the way it fits. But don't you like that? Because there are things I see on me sometimes. I feel like when I see that, I go like, that's my jacket.

That's who you are. Yeah. How many times, what we're trying to do is basically close the gap between because there's stuff where I'm like, I want to dress like Pharrell Williams. Oh, yes. I want to dress. You know what I mean?

You can pull off some. You're trying to close the gap. Yes. No, no, no, no, no. Because the thing is, there's stuff that I see. I thought like, I thought chains were kind of cool. Yes. So I started wearing chains.

And then I was like, He's in the chains. You should talk the chain. No, no, no. But the problem is, is that like immediately when I walked out wearing one, Bina was like, yo, do you own a hookah lounge? It was just, so I was like, are you,

are you going to serve Tom and Christina Hummus and ask them if they want mint? What kind of, what kind of chain was it? It was like a gold, like the thin gold that like, kind of just like, that kind of like Middle Eastern, Desi, Persian, Drake looking fuck boys wear. You've seen him like with black shirts and the thin gold. And I was like, and I'm like, I'm 35.

And I'm dressing like I'm 19. What am I doing? I wish you had worn that chain. You're wearing a chain. And I was like, I'm going to wear it on stage. And she was like, don't you dare go down to the cellar and wear this stupid ass chain on stage. Can I tell you what I just bought?

Okay. They know. Speaking of chains. Don't, don't. You did diamond earrings. Don't do that. Bro, that's the worst. No, I bought a chain.

But it wasn't a regular chain. It's black onyx with black diamonds. Oh, what? Yes. Yes. But why? I don't know. And I show them the picture.

Can you send a dog the photo? Oh, yeah. You're going to die. You guys. Tom. Yeah. And I was so bad. Bro, I know.

Can I tell you something? Yeah. I took it back. You had to take it back to the jeweler. I did. And thank God. Because I wasn't shopping. Here's the thing.

They, they. What? Give me the context. Okay. I'll give you under what context where you're like, you're like, okay, look, this is no, I'll give you the context that I'm thinking of. So Tom Segura joins OVO now.

Now he's part of OVO. Yeah. And you're backstage and you got to have your black on black diamonds. Too funny. What context of you doing a 10 minute spot at the comedy store involves black on black diamonds? Well, and he did this while I was out of town.

All this transpires when I'm not here. Let me tell you exactly how it went. Oh my God. So I go in the store. I actually buy her jewelry. Yes. And then they're like, what about like something for you?

And I was like, I'm not really looking for anything. And then I go, you know what I would like? And I describe a chain that's simple and clean. Yes. And they go, we don't have that. What about this? And I immediately go, that's not me, which is the chain that I buy.

It's behind you on that screen. Okay. Bro. Yeah. Listen. Wait, hold on. Let's analyze. What's the look?

Listen, though. Listen, I go, that's not for me. Tell the viewers what the price is. What are we talking about here? Let me get there. So then I go, no, no, no. And I give it back. And the guy's like checking me out on the jewelry

that I'm buying her. Yes. And then he's like, man, that sure looks good on you. Right. And I was like, I'm not really, I swear to you. I swear to you. When I, when I bring it back, the lady's like, why are you returning this?

And I was like, I feel ridiculous. Yeah. Wearing it. Yeah. And she was like, it looks great. And I go, it doesn't, it's not me though. Yeah. And she goes, no, no, it is you.

But why did you go with this kind of prayer beads, Buddhist temple vibe? Thank you. So here's the thing. Is it Buddhist temple or? A lot of cultures have the prayer beads, you know, whatever. Right. I'm in a fraternity.

And it's 1999. And I'm wearing Tivas to go with my cool beaded. Yeah. Can I tell you what I see? Pukashells. Yeah. Pukashells. I remember Pukashells.

I see a guy that knows how to eat a woman out. That's what I see the most. Wow. That chain says, are you trying to get your box licked up? Because this guy knows how to do it. Box licking vibes. Oh, OK. Box licking beads.

You don't, like if you saw that, a guy would be like, OK. OK. This is a guy who wears a thumb ring. So this, this whole lane of gentlemen. Yeah. He wears a thumb ring. Or he just gives you the fucking.

He does that. Oh, yeah. I remember this had a moment. With some hemp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a hemp. I remember it. I got fucking onyx on, bro.

Yeah, hemp bracelet with, like, the eyeball in the middle. Yeah. Now, this guy's not you, Homie. This is like, this is bad. This is what happens. What are we chasing, Tom? What are we doing? Christina, what are we chasing?

Can I tell you what I think I'm really chasing? Let's talk about the Jordan graphic tee for a second. What are we chasing? Folsom Outlet, Air Jordan, graphic tee, wearing it first day of ninth grade. But why? Because when I'm criticizing you, I'm criticizing me. Yeah.

What are we chasing? I think I can just afford. Why can't we embrace the cosmic joke? I can buy the shit that I wanted when I was a fucking teenager. I love that y'all actually really live life. Now, you guys can totally cut this out, but I'm a person that actually likes to have real conversations with three people in person.

One of the things I loved is before I came on the show, this is actually a few weeks ago when we were like, let's schedule this. I was like, how are Tom and Christina living? I just go to Google. Then you go to the News tab. That's where she gets real fun. And it was just like, Tom and Christina

clothes on Malibuist. I go, y'all are Calabasas Bieber living. Then you go to My News and it says, Hasan Minhaj closes on Honda Odyssey at White Plains Honda. Shut up. No way. Real talk, bro. No.

How about this? Real talk. Can I just have daily show? I'm scared. I'm super, I'm super scared. Of what? What are you afraid of? That's because that's the immigrant shit inside of you,

bro. 01:18:21,360 --> 01:18:22,560 Now, I had the same problem. 01:18:22,560 --> 01:18:25,440 And do Polish people also, where's your family from? My dad's a white American and my mother's Peruvian. Peruvian. In Peruvian culture, is it like in Hindi,

we call it Sharon, like you should have shame. Like you don't do that. Yes, religious. Or Nazar or like the third evil eye. Like you do that, you'll have Nazar. You do that, blah, blah, blah, blah. Strict. People will be envious of you and it'll end up hurting you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Strict Catholic upbringing. Catholics are always into the guilt and you shouldn't have money and stuff. Muslims are basically brown Catholics. A lot of fire and brimstone. Yeah, a lot of like don't do this. Now, the other thing is,

a lot of Super Mario Brothers stuff when it comes to if you do this on this day, you level up a thousand times. Do you do this, do you do this in your house? Like my mother, this is a very Latin thing. Where she's like, like for her, like, I don't think there's a difference between me and like Elon Musk for her. Like you have money.

She goes, you have money. So then like, she'll be like, why don't you? This is fucked up. I was like, in intelligence? Yeah, you're like, I don't think you will. Your mom knows how smart you really are. I don't think you saw my math grades. So I failed all of them.

But she'll just be like, no, my point is that she'll be like, you have money. Yeah. And so you're like, okay. And then she's like, she'll just call me like, I want a new MacBook. And I'm like, okay, okay. She's like, will you please buy me one?

And I'm like, well, I mean, I guess so. Yeah. And then you send that. And then like a week or two later, she's like, I saw these readings today. Can you buy them for me? I'm like, what is this?

Like, is this like a wish list thing? Damn, bro. It's just like send me stuff. And then if you go like, She calls you like you're a first year NBA player. Yes. Like you just got to the league. Yes.

And then she haven't gotten to the part where you cut them out. I know. But you go under the part. But then she'll be like, then she'll call me like, don't worry. I'm not going to ask you for some presents. Wow.

Like, you know, but it's all about if you are successful at any level, you can afford it. And you should be buying the rest of us stuff. Yeah. What are your parents? My dad did this thing because he just retired from, he worked 35 years at the Cal State EPA. Wow.

So he's chemist, 35 years. And I was like, I'm going to get you a great retirement present. And he kept, he kept, he'll do this thing where my dad loves sunning me in public. Yes. So like if he was here, he'd be like, Hudson said he was going to get me a retirement present.

Where's my retirement present? And I said, you know, you just keep, he loves doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Or he'll do stuff and just like, Hudson cried when he was little. Like he would do stuff like that all the time. Like, oh yeah, he did this and he started crying.

So my dad, all this stuff like that. But he kept bringing it up. He's like, you told me you were going to get me a car for my retirement present. You told me I was going to get, you're going to get me a car for my retirement present. So I ended up getting him a Tesla. Oh, cool.

Yeah. Jesus. And we flew in, we bought the Tesla. Surprise. Surprise. And then when we got there, my dad did the most Indian dad thing ever. He's like, Hudson, why did you do this?

This is so bad. This is so irresponsible. And then Tyler, like just like the white floor guy, had to be like, hey listen, Najmi, Hassan, listen, not a lot of sons do this. I've been working here for a long time. Like you should totally accept this gift. And you know, my dad was like, just stay out of this, Tyler.

You know, like this is irresponsible. So yeah, he doesn't really drive the car. My sister drives the Tesla. What? Yeah. Yeah. He so won't take it. No, he takes it.

But he's just like, I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to take, you know what I mean. This dude, by the way, I have not stopped thinking about the fact that you can definitely pull off the Onyx and Black Diamond chain. I could do that. Yes.

Bro. 01:21:44,800 --> 01:21:46,240 There's a lot you could pull off. Yes, dude. There's a lot you could pull off. There's a lot you could pull off. With that beautiful hair. Oh, but Christina, it's such hair.

Your face is beautiful. Thank you. You photograph really well. Your skin's incredible. Thank you. You have a nice physique. Thank you. What's going on?

You could do it. What are you, a fucking model? Yeah, what are you, a model? Wait, Christina. Yeah. Don't, if you saw me and you were, we were just like, you're about to like do a set or whatever you see me passing in the hallways

of whatever the comes through. Handsome. But you would be like, you saw me wearing two chains. Yeah. Would you be like, this is normal? Or would you be like, what is this Indian guy doing? You forget, you forget, my friend, that when you're a showman, your job is show business.

01:22:28,640 --> 01:22:30,320 We have a license to ill, bro. Like you have a license to fucking dress crazy, like go for it. And especially the older you get and more you get into it with kids and you're like, I don't give a fuck what anybody says about me. Go fuck your mom.

I'm taking care of my family. What year, what year are you going to lock into? Because one of the things I love about my, all my friends that I grow up with, their parents lock into a specific year and never change. I'm 15 always, yeah. So I have like one, one of my friends, Cyrus, his dad is locked into 1993.

So he wears all the vintage Nike ACG shit. It actually became weird and then cool again. And then weird and then cool, you know what I mean? Cycles. Yeah. It's cycles. But he locked into a lock. So your parents are still living in the old country,

like mentally. Three Camrys parked out front. Yep. So there are just like three Camrys. Three Camrys still in the old country. Three, silver, blue, black. Get rid of one of them. Yeah.

Everybody. How many miles? If you live in Rancho Cordova, one of them like 280. If you live in Rancho, you know this house. People in our neighborhood are like, yo, they honestly think we're having like a party at our house every single day. Because they're parked outside.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. There's three Camrys parked outside. Our dads are different because when I was like, yeah, I'm looking at cars and this isn't like, I like cars and we talk about cars. He's like, you know, you really should get,

this is my father who's a financial advisor. Whoa, your dad's a financial advisor. And I'm like, what? He goes, Ferrari. And I was like, what the fuck? What? He's like, I go, I wasn't looking at that. I was looking at like other cars.

And he was like, those aren't that special though. You know, like a fraud. I was like, who's this for? Am I buying this for me? He's like, well, you know, Ferrari, you can just keep that. You'll just, that'll be something you just don't ever forget. You know, I'm like, yeah, I guess so. It's also like.

Your dad like sell mortgages and shit like that? No. What? No. He's a legit financial advisor. 01:24:21,440 --> 01:24:22,080 I mean, he's retired. He just retired a couple of years ago.

But yeah. And it would always advise, you know, like making smart financial decisions. So I was like, are you for real? He also told me one time that it made sense for me to buy a plane. Yeah. I don't think he was a good financial advisor. And I go, and I go, he did, he did.

He did. And I go, I go, no, I go, that can't make sense. And he goes, a lot of pro golfers do it. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm not on the PGA tour. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, but you're traveling all the time. I think I could really make a lot of sense. At the time, when he said that, I called my business managers and I go,

this is crazy. But my dad said, you know, the plane thing. And the guy's like, well, let me look into it. Calls me back. He goes, yeah, it really could make sense. And I go, are you fucking insane? Like, I have you guys who tell me not to do shit like this.

01:25:15,040 --> 01:25:15,600 Yeah. And they're like, yeah, no, you could do it. And I'm like, whoa. Like a old used. Still, bro. And I was like, but how would that? And then I started to propose scenarios. I'm like, because this, how about this cost and that cost?

And like, after the third conversation, they're like, yeah, yeah, I could see how it's not that smart to do. I'm like, why do I pay you? That's insane. Well, we fired that. Bro, I think you're surrounded by a lot of people that aren't. Yeah. Looking out for me.

Looking out for you. Yeah. Yeah. 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640

01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640

01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640

01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:40,640 --> 01:25:40,640 01:25:41,600 --> 01:25:42,960 Jackets, diamonds. Yeah. Oh, my God. I guess it's, it's, you know, I did not know you guys, you guys are too, too podcast. You met, you asked, you asked the question now,

and you're like, what's going on here? It's that I just love hip hop so much. And I go, I want to be, you know, and in hip hop. So that's why I want chains and Jordans. But here's the good news, Austin. Is that he has this showy spending stuff. And I am like your parents, where I'm like, no, lock it down.

Lock it down. This is all going to end tomorrow. I gotta store every night. But she'll tell me she spent $60. The communists are taking it away. The Russians are coming hide. Sure. But then people also get mad at me.

They're like, why do you have all of this in your Wells Fargo bank account from when you were 16? I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. I just was told that if I put it in a mattress, you can't take it from me. Yeah. But I'm like, what?

That immigrant. Did your parents do this too? We're all around the house. There would just be cash and just like grandmother's jewelry. And just, yo, it was straight up crazy. When my mom died, it was like a treasure hunt. Like my dad and I were going through all her stuff. And she had like hidden jewelry in plastic bags.

Vases. I found stuff in vases. I'm like, what? I'm like, what in the fuck is this? Did they don't enjoy it? They just haven't hoard it. Yeah. That's totally true.

I mean, and then like my American dad, I don't think I've ever seen more than like $60 in the house or on him. You know what I mean? Never had cash. Never credit everything. Everything was like, well, everything is like, like trust the, like the immigrant mentality is like.

Don't trust anything. Don't trust anything. Yeah. So keep this. Yes. Someone like, it could go away. Yes. The white guy.

Government and stability is very common. Yeah. Yeah. But the American who grew up here is born here who's like 50, 60 years old just goes like, why would you want cash? Yeah. Put it in the bank and they'll take care of it for you. Or you could sew it into your jacket linings like every 100.

My parents still during house parties, when they invite people over, they lock doors to certain bedrooms. Of course you do. I'm like, why are these doors locked? And she's like, it's not your business. And I'm like, but this is Aisha's room. Why is her house like, it's not your business?

Oh, a common thing in our house. I do too. I lock up jewelry all the time. My mother would lock doors and then lose the key. So we're like, we can't get into the fucking room. Yeah. And she's like, we have to call the lock guy in the morning. I'm like, fucking A, this is my room.

Uh-huh. Where do I sleep tonight? Who do you love more? Who? Your mom or your dad? Yeah. Who do you love more? Who did you love more?

None. Neither? Dad. Damn. OK. I mean, I definitely, I get along really well. Like, I don't have any, like, combative stories with my father. You know what I mean?

Like, we get along so well. Yeah, his dad's really nice. He's a really sweet guy. Wow. My mom. You never had like a Simba Mufasa fight for the, for the... No. I mean, I had a couple things, but like, my mom and I fought all the time.

Well into adulthood, very combative, but she's a very combative person. She's really fun and really funny, but much like a provoker, like a poke you. Do you dream in English or Spanish? English, but I did dream in Spanish when I studied abroad, like after like four or five months. Really? I ended up in there. What about you, Xanax?

I still dream in Hindi sometimes. No shit. Yeah, it's wild. What do you dream about? It's always, I mean, it's always like super dark, like death and shit like that. Me too. Really? Kidnapping and death and shit like that.

Is that your recurring theme? Yeah. Who's dying? Someone that I love is dying and I need to, I need to get there in time, but I don't get there in time or I'm thrown out of something. Do you do the thing where you get thrown out and then you jerk in bed? Yeah, all the time. You hit, you hit the ground.

You get thrown off a building or you go from a high height and then you do the thing where you like jerk. Yeah. You actually fall. Yeah, you, yeah. And then you jerk and you wake up and you're like, oh no. That's a lot. So you're afraid of losing the people you love.

Yeah, it's super intense. Well, who do you love more, your mom or your dad? Mom. Wow. No hesitation. Yeah. Well, I can see that because your father. As soon as I got the ball, I'm putting it down on them.

I'm not going to pump fake. Yeah. Well, it sounded like, it sounded like that because your father basically refuses your kindness, your gesture, the Tesla he spits on. No, no, we're close now. We're definitely closer now and that we have a much more like, you know what it is? I think when they get older, they lose that there's less energy.

Yeah. To like straight up put your ego into a headlock that's like, yeah. Yeah. That's by design from whoever is above because as people, their hormones kind of go down and they become like, they get easier to be around. Yeah. They totally do.

I mean, I do, I do like flashcards with my daughter. I know it's like super whatever of me, but I'll read to her a lot. I just need to make sure that I'm like, yo, up here, we're good. Yeah. Everybody else is like, my kid's going to be an athlete. I'm just like, I just got to make her curious. Yeah. And if she can read, she'll figure it out.

Same. I read to my kids all the time. All the time. Yeah. And then my dad was like, he was watching us and he was like, be easy on them. I'm like, yo, who is this person? Yeah.

Then like Alexa was playing like some music and she was dancing. He started dancing. I'm like, yo, who is this person? You're dancing? Dancing. Straight up dancing. So you got cooler. Usually that happens.

They say that when they have grandkids and they chill. They chill. Yeah. Accept them for who they are. Every child is different. Like he has all these philosophical platitudes now. I'm like, I don't know. So he was not, this is not who you were.

No, super intense. I remember one of, this is one of the best, we all have like, when we got hit stories. Oh yeah. It's one of the best stories. I remember like, he took me to like a soccer game and I did something stupid, like accidentally like kick the ball backwards into like the own, our own goal.

But this is like, I'm like second and third grade. And I remember this is the like the one time I, I heard him cuss at me and he was like, you're not supposed to do that. Like focus. I'm like eight. He's like, focus. And I remember we were in the Nissan stands that we were driving, but this is pre-camera.

The Nissan stands a driving back home and he was like, Hasan, this is in front of like one of my best friends, Chris. And he goes, Hasan, the world is going to kick your ass. And I remember the way he said, kick your ass. It sticks with you. Stuck with me. It sticks with you. Yeah.

I kind of like that hard question. I kind of do too. Because I feel like that's what it makes. At least it made me, it made me tougher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It made me like, yo, the world can't kick my ass.

Everybody's crying about the pandemic. Boohoo beach. Like this whole year I was like, fuck you. Yeah. Like you won't break me. That sort of thing. Yeah. Yeah.

That's how I feel. That may not be healthy, but like. It's not healthy. Yeah. I mean healthy. It's not healthy. It's like a whole lane now of like the throwback. You know, like it's almost cliche to say that people go like,

oh, you know, there's no participation trophies in like second place, like celebrating that. And I believe that. Like I don't. Of course. I don't do speeches about it. But like, I'm like, oh, yeah. No, you lost.

And like, you shouldn't get in a war. Yeah. Because that's how I grew up. So. But also that's fair. Like. Yeah, it's fair. I don't know if you've ever played 24 hour fitness weekend

warrior basketball, but I still do that. But there is. Done with basketball. There is the. You play basketball, right? Yeah. You're a hooper. Yeah.

No, but there's the thing of like, yo, we played a 12 straight up or one by two. And if you lose, you have to get the F off the court. Yeah. Because there's other people trying to play. And they want to win. So that's also fair too. It is.

Because if you hold it up and like, no, but you hey, you're holding up the line. Yeah. See, so that's interesting. So how much old school do you raise your kids? And then how much like American? Because I'm always balanced between that. The American thing I make sure is like, I love you.

Yeah. You just you've got to know that I love you. Yeah, because we did not hear that shit. Yeah, yeah. So I'll tell her. I'll tell I'll be I'll be like, wow, you're so smart. Like, like, wow, you're so courageous. Like I'll tell her stuff like that when she does like brave

things. But then I'm also like the thing about me reading and doing the flash. That's like my thing with her being as always like you really like on it with reading her and buying her all these books. Like when I go back to Connecticut, I'm just have a stack of books and be like, oh, daddy, got you all this stuff.

But I do also know that when she leaves the house, nobody cares about her. So I have to prepare her for both realities. Like the world like seriously does not care about you. Like that's not going to change. That's not going to change. And regardless of who you are, it doesn't matter. But that's good.

She gets that's the resilience. Yeah. Like she knows that she has a home base with me. Yeah, for sure. But then like I have like I'm trying to let her know like, yeah, yo, it's it's real out here. It's real out here. But I was super happy for her.

Like she does. She does mixed gendered soccer. And she fucked this five year old kid up. Nice. And Bina got so mad at me because she just knocked this kid over and he started crying. And I started laughing. She's like, you got to stop it.

You can't laugh. But I was kind of really happy because she's three. He's five. And she straight up knocked him. That's that's something to celebrate for sure. She went like this like boom. And then he fell back on his booty and he just like yeah. And he started crying.

And I started cracking up and she said, you can't do that. That's good parenting. But is but what but why can't I you can you can you should. Don't encourage fucking wimpy. Have you seen the fish challenge? I was just proud of her for being tough. You know what I mean. And that's what I like and like not letting

because some of the the boys are older than her. Like it's mixed gender. You know what I mean. And I was just like, yo, like I like getting a little girl to know that like you can run with the boys. That's everything man. Yeah. Yeah.

Can I tell you my dad just didn't know better. Like I wanted a pink bike growing up with streamers. And he's like this pink bike is fucking bullshit. I'm going to get you a good bike. And he got me like a black boy BMX dirt. Whoa. You got like a really good bike. Yo, I got like and that's what he said.

He goes, this is a good bike. Not these fucking pussy shit. And because I was like, yeah, dog. Like I rode on the stuff the boys rode on. Did you have pegs on the back? No. I remember pegs were dope. That's fucking dope dude.

Pegs are dope. Remember when you were. I did this. I did the second on Patriot Act. Right. Interviewed little kids and I go. So you know how like you know how you want. You're like, yo, I want diamonds.

Yeah. I was interviewing like I interviewed young Dacey teens because I wanted to know, yo, what are 14 and 15 year old kids thinking about now? Yeah. And one of one of the kids, one of the boys was like 12. So he was young. Like everybody else is like 10th, 11th grade.

They're starting to get boyfriends, girlfriends. He's 12. Right. And I was like, what does it mean to like? Who's popular? What would it mean to be popular? And he's like, if you're fast. Oh snap.

Remember like when you were fast? Like there was always a kid like Nick Cantrell was fast. Yeah. Yeah. And then that made him really. Remember when you were fast? Like there was a kid who was at your school. Gus Yort.

He was the fastest runner. Yeah. Everybody was like, Gus, is this it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's dope. Yeah, I get that. Yeah.

And then life becomes so complicated. I know. People are buying diamonds and shit. Diamonds. I'm trying to tell you. That shit is so fresh. I'm going to go back and buy it again. She should buy two of them.

Are you going to do a special where you get a little ostentatious with it? That's the thing. I mean, that's where we went through it. I feel like the one place that I have like a pretty level head about is like on stage where I go, you don't want to take away from like the show and the performance. Like, you know what I mean?

That's true. For me. You don't want the outfit to be better then. No. So I try to make it like pretty monotone and just like you look clean but like not not loud. Not like, oh my god, look at what he's wearing. I think that's smart when the like like Rogan wears long

sleeves, right? He's got tattoos. Right. It's like, it's why give another distraction. Plus you guys are dudes. Nobody wants to look at you anyway. That's not true, Christina. That's not true, Christina.

Like, I've seen I've seen being a double take at certain dudes and I'm like, what's going on right there? Oh, but it's not. That's so that's good. Do you ever hooked up with another guy? It doesn't mean you're gay. Wait, me? Yeah.

We learned that. Well, I knew that. I mean, I'm going to make sweet love to the Greyhound dude. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're not gay for that. No, you're fine. You're fine.

All right, guys. We're going to do the first challenge now. And Jamie's wanting to get involved, aren't you, Jamie? What's that ish? I don't know. The other one now. It's in my folder. Oh, skers, you streaming?

Oh, fuck. Why are we doing this? I don't know. Oh, why are they doing this to the sauce? I don't know. Why are we doing this? I don't know. I mean, why would you eat it if you don't?

Oh, oh, oh. I can't look. Really? Oh, you both can't look? Yeah. You can look at vomit? Yeah. This is enjoyable to me.

For real? Yeah. I can't even look. I don't like it. Yo. I seriously can't look. We are in Australia. Did you go scuba diving in Australia when you guys went?

I didn't go scuba diving. They take you way far out to the coral reef because we're destroying the earth. Uh-huh. He's still going? It's almost done. When we're on the boat, they were like. And he keeps going.

Why won't he just get out? The best part is you talking about something else. Go ahead. It's over. It's over. No, I got it. We got to hold. It's over.

So the water was super choppy. Yeah. And so it was us in just like at the time, it was just a bunch. We got the vacation through some like, you know how they have those group on type, whatever things. So it was us and a bunch of tourists from all over the world, right? They're like, the water's super choppy.

Just be warned. People are going to puke. Oh, fuck. Like, yeah. I'd be like, I'm not going. I'm not going with this. I went with my crew of friends that I grew up with. We're called Hit Squad.

Obviously, that's like super cool. Obviously. Obviously. Yeah, Hit Squad. Okay. So this is like my Sandlot group of friends. And like the leader of Hit Squad was like, nobody puke. Everybody focus.

Like do not puke. And so just as it was getting choppy, this girl runs down the stairs and she's like, where's the bat and projectile vomit? There's an Asian couple. They see homegirl projectile vomit. They projectile vomit. One of my boys, Mo, he starts vomiting.

And it just triggered this whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then his friend, one of my other boys saw him and then he's like, I'm going to run to the bathroom. And he was like, don't do not run to the bathroom. And I just looked just like the same way when this clip was playing. I looked down the whole time.

Yeah. And when we finally got to our destination and the water stop being choppy, Pamair was like, bro, I'm really proud of you. Yeah. You focused. You did not puke. You didn't?

I didn't. That's the way to go, man. But you know what's fucked up? The tour, they knew it was happening. Because as soon as we got to our docking station, this dude just comes out with a hose and just. Like this is part of the routine. That would be so entertaining for me.

I'm about to throw up. You can't like, if you know everyone's going to get sick on every voyage. You know what it is? And I'm getting the little rumble on my tumble here. It's the smell. OK. I got to go urinate.

I'll let you guys. OK. I got a P2. It stopped down for one second. I'm going to P2. We're back. We had to pee really quite badly. Did you push hard when you pee?

God, that was, that felt like a road trip, Pete, when you're like, are we pulling over? Like, please? Whoa. You know? It was like. Do you also assess for color? All the time.

All the time. I'm like, what type of day are we having? Yeah. Are you pretty hydrated? Are you good? I like to say super hydrated. So your pee's clear or light yellow. Yeah, yeah.

Do you drink anything else? Are you like strict? Are you just a water guy? Yeah, just water. You don't have coffee. I do a lot of coffee. Oh, you do coffee. Yeah, yeah.

That's why I always. By the way, you worked out squirrel or whatever. You work with my ex right now. Because aren't you shooting with Jen Aniston? Oh, right? Just one of my past flings. How is she? Bro, for a second, for a hot second,

when you were like, you work with my ex. This is such a guy thing. I looked at you like I was hoping you'd read the passing lane. And I'm like, stop. Oh. Because I was like, just, you know what I'm saying? Oh.

You signed a mask. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop. There's nothing to be gained from it. There's no positive reflection to be had. Yeah. Right now, you need to save yourself. Yeah.

You're like, stop, stop, stop. Yeah, yeah, stop. But Jen, your ex, yeah. She's doing great. Yeah, Jen's doing great. You signed her my best when you see her now. I will. I will always send her your best wishes.

Don't think I didn't see it on Two Bears, where when you guys were like, I hope we meet Jen Aniston. And then Bert goes, should we bring our wives? And you go, fuck no. Don't think I didn't see that. Damn. First of all, I didn't say fuck no. I went, no.

Yeah, you don't think I want to meet Jen Aniston? I didn't think you wanted to. Of course, she's famous and funny and sweet. What was the iconic moment where you were like, this is, I'm in love. Because this is a true story. I've never seen an entire episode of Friends. What?

Yes. I can't believe it. I'll be honest. There's two shows that I watched, like, religiously that I loved. Martin. Martin is so. Fuck a walker.

Martin is unbelievably funny. That's a classic. It is a great, great sitcom. It's super funny. He also is outrageously charismatic and talented. It's so funny. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Yeah. And the show was great. And I remember, did you watch that special where he was all in leather? Yes. He sweat quite a bit in that special. Runtail that. That's the one we refer to all the time.

We'll move your hips like this one time. Keep doing your hips like this. I don't know if that's in Runtail that or the other one. He wears leather. I think that's all I could wink at Eddie. I bet you if he was in the clubs during that period of time, he would crush so hard. Unfollowable.

He was. He was. He would stop in because he stopped in a year and a half ago semi-regularly. But if you go back 10 years, he was stopping into the store and doing that. Just absolutely destroying the place. Really?

Yes. Yeah. But that clip is like 93, Martin. Yeah. Like abs, pecs, like. Do you know that if you heard that famous Chris Rock story? Yeah. When he thought like a gun had gone off.

Yeah. Somebody had shot. And off. And Martin's they're doing a crush headlining set. Yeah. In Chicago. I think it's New Year's in Chicago. Yeah.

Yeah. And he was like, I thought there was like a riot. I thought somebody had fired off a gun in the crowd. Geez. They were making that much noise. He said that he bombed so hard. No way. No.

Chris did. Chris rocked it. Right. So like Martin did like a 45 minute or hour set. And then they're like, and now your headliner. Oh, shit. No way, dude. He was like, I just ate shit.

Wow. I mean, I can imagine. You know what I hope comes back. So painful. Physicality. Yes. And comedy. Yes.

But it kind of. Sebastian's bringing it back. That's a good one. Sebastian's very physical. Yeah. He really. He gets a lot out of looks and expression. Wanda Sykes too.

She's. Yeah, Wanda uses her body and her voice. She's the full. Sebastian will even get a laugh out of the big movement. Do you ever wish I so wish I could do impersonations? All the time. Don't you ever like, yo, I would love to do impersonations. Because it would make all your act outs.

Yeah. Who's the. 80% better. Faro. Jay Faro. Jay Faro is incredible. He's really. Trevor Nell is incredible.

He can do every different accent. Melissa Via Senor. Melissa Via Senor is incredible. She can do men and women. That's impressive. How are you doing that? Which is like when she does Owen Wilson and you're like, holy shit.

Yeah, yeah. It's wild. Um, you know. She does it so well. She came on here and did it if you were like. You just watch her transform. 01:45:13,840 --> 01:45:16,400 I can only do good impressions of like people in my life.

And I'm like, yeah, that doesn't help me. I mean, it kind of, you know, it's a little other muscle you can flex. But doing impressions of well-known people is so pleasing to an audience. Oh, I have a question for you. What's that? So Tom and I, we're talking about this movie that came out. What's that? The name he gained a bunch of weight, Russell Crowe.

And it's a, it's a revenge story. You look up what the movie's called. Just look, Russell Crowe IMDB. Like I just want to look at. He goes to the job. I know. I'm calling. So it's a revenge story.

I guess somebody cuts him off in traffic, right? He gets upset and he goes and he kills everybody in town. So what happens is he gets. He gets cut off in traffic and it's unhinged. Yeah. Perfect name for it. Unhinged. This motherfucker gets cut.

He's having a bad day. He gets cut off by a mother, a single mother. And then when she makes the turn, she's in another red light. So he pulls up next to her and he's like, hey, roll the window down. And her son's in the back and the window gets stuck down. And he's like, yeah, do you mean to do that and this and that? And has it back and forth. And he goes, well, just like apologize and, you know, we'll move on.

She goes, I didn't do anything wrong because she was honking at him. So I'm not apologizing. And he's like, no, if you don't apologize, like you're going to really regret it and you're going to have a horrible fucking day. And she's like, fuck you, man. OK, traffic starts to move. And he's like, this is all I'm going to do now is try to ruin your fucking life for this moment. You know, and he epically like it's a slow.

It's not just like a flash, you know, going crazy, but he slowly becomes unhinged and gets crazier. And it's such a satisfying movie to watch because you identify with him. Right. So yeah, exactly. That face. So he goes, it sounds like I go, Tommy, I don't want to see this movie. This sounds terrible. And he's like, why isn't this doesn't this sound great?

This is like everybody's fantasy. I go, not everybody's. This is your fantasy. Right. You're angry inside. I go, I don't want to do this at all. And then I started thinking about it. Well, what's and he goes, Tom goes, what's your fantasy?

And I was like, shit, I don't even know if I have one. And then I realized, I think I want to be in the Beastie Boys. Like that's what I would want to be. I want to be ad rock. You know, like that camaraderie between the three of them. I want to be in a Beastie Boys video and I want to be ad rock. Like that's the. Can you explain the appeal of the Beastie Boys to me?

No, the thing, the problem is, is because I'm the eldest. So I didn't have any elder siblings to download culture from. So when like, when like David Bowie died, everyone's like, oh my God, David Bowie died. I'm like the dude from Labyrinth. Wow. People are like, I'm going to cry. I'm like, what, but why?

Yeah, yeah. The dude from Labyrinth. That makes sense. So when people like Beastie Boys, I'm like, yo, just like three skinny white dudes would just be like, hey, what's up? Where are the beasts? I'm like, what is this?

I'm really hurting my feelings. No, no, no, no. You have to grow up. But explain like. So you grow up like the first album licensed to it. It's my very first cassette tape. Like I listen to that. Nostalgia.

But what about? You got the right to party or whatever. Like they they clown that they're like, you know, first of all, they're coming up when the actual genre is still being created. You know, I mean, so they're they're so long in this game that like when that stuff's coming out, it's not the hip hop that you know today.

They're part of it. They're part of creating a sound. And that's really like a record label thing to do to be like, make a party song at the time. You know, it's like just want to be on MTV and on the radios. Let's show you guys doing this. And so let's let's make a song about partying, you know. And it's I don't think it I mean,

it definitely doesn't represent who they are. A great thing to watch, though, is that Apple Apple Plus. Is it great? It's fantastic. It's really good. I like that they're positive energy. Their music is good. Their buddies, their bros.

They're still bros. Intelligent. Well, one of them is dead, but the other two are still bros. They actually, I mean, they did some really like incredible music things from a group, especially like a hip hop group where at first, you know, it is like that boom box kind of sound. And then it's like a party thing.

And then they got into like their musicians. They have instruments. They start they picked up, you know, guitars and drums like actual live instruments playing. And every song is so detailed. If you listen to the sampling and how they did it and it's layers on layers. I just end up thought their timing,

especially as a performer, and when you watch how they rehearse, if you if you want to know want to know the real deal, like they chime in on because they were basically a cop. They were college age kids going out with run DMC and public enemy at the height of that. So they're like crazy. They're like figuring it out.

What's the modern version of that? Like Billie Eilish, the way she's like super young, but she's so talented. Maybe she's pretty cool. You know what I mean? I like she's 17. And she sings like and her lyrics are so mature. She has a dock out right now.

I think I heard that it's phenomenal. They followed her for three years. Yeah. So what's your fantasy? Do you have a recurring fantasy? I'm sure it's just to be an unhinged and just fucking. Is it to kill people the way my husband wants to kill people? And let your anger out.

You get it when someone you're on the freeway. Someone cuts you off and you're like, hey, fuck you. I'll follow you home. You know? Yeah. I like a good I what he's I think. See, let me interpret your fantasy.

Your fantasy is you want it sounds like camaraderie and friendship. Yeah. And like making cool music and being like, what's up? It's fun. It's positive energy. It's all good vibes. Yeah.

And then you want to dunk on motherfuckers. Yeah. Like, yo, I'm ending this. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, first of all, I think everyone's had the thought. Someone's a dick. You go, you just stop yourself.

You know, you just don't do that. We were talking about this. This is like when I came and visited the studio and I was like, could you dunk? Like, were you able to dunk? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Because my favorite clip ever is when a basketball player

dunks on another player and then gets a technical, either from hanging on the rims, slapping the back or board or taunting them. Yeah. One of my favorite dunks is Sean Kemp. I think I'm like Chris Gatling. And then he does this. No, no, no.

But then he's like, no, no, no. Never forget. I fucking dunked on you. Sean Kemp was so nice. There's another dunk he has where he dunks on a motherfucker so bad he just he looks away. He puts his hand out like this and the dude has to give him that. Oh, that's it.

It's so pull it up, please dude. He dunks on the dude so bad and then he poses like this. He puts his hand out, looks away and the guy goes like, yeah. He's like, you just sledgehammered on me. And so is that yours to dunk? Well, that's the nice version of unhinged. You do it without murdering or killing or stalking someone. Yeah.

But I mean, it's legal. That's cool. You still, yeah, the Chris Gatling. That's glory. There you go. Dunks on them. Wow. Looks away.

Oh, shit. There you go, man. Hey, that was nice. Look at it from this angle, though. Yeah. It's like, what's up, bro? Just give it to me. Give it to me.

Yes. That fucking ended your life. Yeah. And Chris Gatling's like, what am I going to do? What are you going to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would do it, too. Yeah.

I remember because you appreciate dunking, but when I was in high school, I'm the same age as Vince Carter. Wow. So he played his entire NBA career through it. Like, it feels like I'm like, he's been just playing basketball my whole life. Yeah. But so when I was in high school, before he transferred to like Oak Hill, or wherever it was up in Carolina, Virginia, he played it in Daytona.

Oh, yeah. And I played basketball. And I played in high school. Were you in Florida? Yeah. So a couple of, so on local news, they would just be like local, a local kid. You know, he wasn't Vince Carter, he was just like a kid. And it's like, they're showing his, and he's doing reverse windmills and shit.

And we're 16. You're like, oh my god. You're like, what is this? Yeah, like this kid, I could end up playing against this guy in a game. This is not cool. Did you? Fuck no, no way. Because I think Rick Glassman has this great photo of him playing against LeBron James in high school.

Really playing against him? Yeah, like really? He's on like the free throw line or whatever. And like LeBron is like shooting. So Rick was like an Ohio player? Yeah, Rick's from Ohio, which is just an insane thing. Now, I heard he's really good. Rick's really good.

Yeah. Yeah. That somebody told me that like he was like, I think playing a pickup game with someone. Like somebody in entertainment and they're like, hey man, like you got to dial it back a little bit. Like we're just like. He plays hard. We're playing ball. Yeah.

I love that though. We're all chasing. We're chasing something. You know what I mean? Yeah. I would love to. Do you have best friends? That would be cool.

Yeah. You do? Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. I mean one Shauna who doesn't know shit about pop culture. I've had since I was 13. Really?

And you guys are still friends? Yeah. That's beautiful. She lives on the other coast though. And then I would say my mother friend here. Let me ask you this. I shouldn't say her name though. Are you on TikTok?

I just did an account. Yes. You did? What? But I haven't posted any videos. Okay. But do you understand what's happening on TikTok? I don't know.

Just do it. And when I open up the app, I get terrified. Just before we open this, just tell them like, give them an idea of what's about to happen. Christina, are we on TikTok? She's the official creator of TikTok. I'm the official curator of TikTok. The thing is, it's meant to be of a lighthearted dance thing. Like, look at me do this dance.

And then it's cute girls. Not my feet. I've curated a feed of horror, of despair, of funny things that I think are funny. Yeah. Okay. So this is all stuff that's on TikTok that a lot of people never get to. Marginalized. It just doesn't fall into their algorithm.

Right. But Christina finds it. I shed light on the marginalized people of TikTok. You might. The outliers. Yeah. I heard you, but she was looking for me. That's just the intro music.

I give them a platform. Now, before we go. Is that the video? Or is that just the audio? That's just Christina's intro. That's the intro song. That's my intro. Before you get on stage.

But first allow me to make a correction from last week's segment of TikToks. I got a stern DM beating from several people pointing out that I had fallen prey to what is known as an actor on the talk. So what happens is she'll pull somebody saying something ridiculous, whatever. So we played one and then the guy found out he was on the show and was like, hey, that's not. I'm a character. I'm a character.

And I didn't realize that he was so good. He was so funny and convincing. So shout out, homie, because he actually. Let's talk to the shape. I'm down to bang you. So this is the guy. He's a pickup artist. Actor.

And this is how he's teaching men how to do FaceTime on his FaceTime date. Parody. A lot of negative energy. Right. Make her insecure. Yeah. Love it. Yeah.

Who works? Like, who does this work on? I mean, somebody for sure. For sure. But I want to show the original one so that he can see how. Okay. Convinced. Like, I was really good at it.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. Do you remember what it's called? I don't know. It's just a talk. Um, do you know what it's called? What's his reaction? I'll look for it right now.

He's just kind of like. He's so mad at me. Well, he's just making it clear. Is he upset or is he just a little bit? He's just saying like, he's basically just like, I, uh, you know, they're calling me this, but. It's all a character.

It's all a character. Gotcha. Chalk it up to the game. 07, pick up artist FaceTime date. Okay. Oh, so here we go. I know, right? Wait, hold up.

I got a date right now. She's all right. I'll call you after. Bella, nice to meet you. Oh, you got something in your nose, actually. No, no, other nostril? You can leave it. Man, I wouldn't have done my hair if I knew you weren't going to do makeup.

Oh, you did? Oh, looks natural. She's got to move my keys. Tesla. But yeah, and I got some trophies back there. Let's cut to the chase. I'm down to bang you. So that looks really real.

So she was like, this is like a douchebag. Yeah. And then he was like, I am not. I'm just an artist. Christina, did you not notice this as POV? Like, of a pickup artist who's having a FaceTime date? I didn't. I was like.

You were just, you were just. I just was so taken by his performance. I was like, because I'll tell you nine times out of 10, people either misspell whatever the text is or the text is nonsensical. So I'm like, or were you assuming you're like, this dude has no sense of irony. He's this is who he is. I don't fucking know what I was thinking.

I just thought I was so taken with him. Uh huh. Yeah. I mean, look. But yeah, we admit it. We admit it. I was sorry. So.

But he was so good. Wait, wait, wait. Good acting. Can you can you do pull ups? Can you pull up clips? Is that a thing we do on the show? Sometimes it depends on where it is. Yeah.

Oh, it depends. OK, I don't want it. Wait, you have something in mind? There's this comedian out of DC. He's really funny. His name's Saheb Kansang. This dude has these great J-R-O-T-C characters that he does. He does these other ones where he gets into a fight.

When he gets into a fight with his girlfriend about. Does he put it on? Where's he put it on? He puts it on Tik Tok and on Twitter. OK. Well, you look for it. I'm going to pull this up. Bro, the way you spell that dog.

I mean, who is it's S-A-H-I-B. Oh, my bad. I misheard you. Kansang. But just Google it. Just Google it. I would get more. Yo, when I say people stink.

People stink, bro. I work out of fucking dispensary. And if I can smell you through the plexiglass and my mask, bro, take a bath. There you go. She's smoking too. I thought that was interesting. And she has multiple nose piercings.

I know you're a fan of. Yeah. But she's got one, two, three, four. I'm a big fan. And I didn't know you could smell somebody through your mask. That is pretty pungent. Yeah. That's a good PSA, though.

That's a good PSA. Yeah. This sometimes people like some serious B.O. It's still, I think it's still wild to see someone just smoking a car. I'm just like, really? Really? You want that in your car?

You're talking about smell right now. Did you ever smoke? Yeah. It always looks so cool. That's what I want to do. You want to be in the Beastie Boys. You want to, whatever, I wanted to. Yeah.

You want to smoke cigarettes? Or drink. Have you ever had a drink? Never. Never had a drink. You don't want to? You never had a glass of wine? No, bro.

You're not interested? You know. Yeah. I'm trying to hold it down for the afterlife. Wait, hold on. Is there no freedom day? Like, is there a free day? No, no, no.

No, Muslims go hard on the pain. Yeah, you guys really do. Is there a wife drink? And then there's a whole month of Ramadan. Ramadan's coming up, you guys. And we really lock in. It's intermittent fasting for 30 days. But is it important to you, then, to not try alcohol?

I've gone so long without it. Yeah, it makes sense. And then coming up in comedy, I saw a lot of comics lose a lot. Yeah, I know. And I was just like a little impressionable boy. And I saw a lot. I'm not going to name names, but I saw a lot of people kind of lose a lot.

And they were funny. So I kind of got scared straight. That makes sense. Early on. Early on seeing Coke blow off the whole thing. I think the thing is like being an adult now, I just go like, oh, the enjoyable thing is to have a glass of wine with dinner.

Yeah. My buddy Prashant loves wine all the time. It's great. So hold on. What can you do for fun? You can have caffeine. Love caffeine. You can smoke a hookah.

Smoke hookah, yeah. Tobacco. Can you smoke a cigarette? Yeah, but then I don't. You know what I mean? But it looks cool. It's so good. It's really good.

It keeps you skinny. It relieves anxiety. I smoked for 17 years, and I loved it. What was it about it? It was just like a ritual. It's a great, anxious energy. If you're anxious. We need rituals.

Yeah. You know what I mean? We need rituals. I started at 25, which you don't always see. That's when I started smoking. That's when you should. Just because? I think I was pretty low and down.

I was doing no chains, no bomber jackals. No. I was a messenger in Los Angeles. That was my part time. And that's real dog shit money. Yeah. Like they give you. That's tough.

Like you see the paycheck and you're like, did I make $93 this week? Like I drove five days. And they're like, well, you got to calculate. And you're like, oh my god. Yeah. I started smoking. It's horrible.

Wow. I started smoking. I was a dog! A dog! A dog! A dog! A dog! It's a dog.

It's a dog being groomed for those just like this. That's really great. 02:01:32,960 --> 02:01:32,960 02:01:32,960 --> 02:01:34,960 He's making that noise though. 02:01:34,960 --> 02:01:34,960 02:01:34,960 --> 02:01:34,960

02:01:34,960 --> 02:01:36,960 Oh, the dog's enjoying it then. 02:01:36,960 --> 02:01:36,960 02:01:36,960 --> 02:01:38,960 We're not. 02:01:38,960 --> 02:01:40,960 That's a dog sound. The dog doesn't like it.

02:01:42,960 --> 02:01:42,960 02:01:42,960 --> 02:01:44,960 That's a good find. 02:01:44,960 --> 02:01:45,960 That's a special talk for you. Positive energy talks. There you go. Ladies, ain't nothing like pulling your man boxes down.

Okay, and watching that thing boing-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong-yong out like it's on hydraulics. Tell me I'm lying. Tell me I'm lying. She's not lying. I love seeing that go boy-ye-ye-yong. That's the best part about being married. Don't you like that? Like now you're married.

Did your wife torture you like that? A good what? Boying? Like you know like I manhandle him like come here and I pull his pants on my spank his booty and stuff like that. So you'll straight up just like bully him like he's in the eighth grade. Absolutely. Let me see it.

Yeah, yeah. The thing I love about most is just the there's no fear of repercussions. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's what I'm saying, the freedom. You're married. It's a wrap. Let's go.

I've known her 16 years. We've been married 2015. So six years now. Oh, congrats. Yeah, dog. Now you can do it. But I like, yeah, we could do it. Yeah, premarital sex is off the rails too.

Yeah, but I was like I'm not that disciplined. You're not that disciplined. I was. For real? No. That's hilarious. No way. I never know. You really don't know. I don't know. But here's the thing.

Christina, I have a very hard working spirit. You know what I mean? I really am when it's time to go. I'm just like hey, thanks for putting me in the game coach. Yeah, you're ready. Like I'm here. I'm here to produce in any which way that I can. Yeah. Grab rebounds, clean up the glass, whatever you need me to do.

Two kids. Yeah. So the tarot ways are off. My favorite is when she's like, let's go. I want to do it now. And I'm like, I want to do it always. So whenever you ask me, it's a yes. Yeah.

You're like that guy coming off the bench. Yeah, like, yo. Coach, thanks. And then you take the tarot. Always ready. That was okay. That was okay. This is a kink demonstration. Oh, it's that. I like that he has eyewear to protect.

You know what I mean to make sure? That and what's really sexy is the cat playground in the back. In case you wondered, he is a cat owner. Oh, gotcha. Whip guy is a real cool guy. So this is some BDSM type shit? Yeah, he's demonstrating how he does the whip. And again, I like that he's sensitive.

He can take care of a pet. Uh-huh. I don't know what the fuck I just saw. Yo, I got to go to church. Church seems super fun. You got to go to black church. Black church. Is other church not fun?

No. Catholics are no fun. But Christmas is so fun. Christmas is objectively fun. Black church, songs, people saying shit like this. You're not going to see that at a white church. Have you guys ever witnessed that church? Because I've seen videos of it.

The Holy Spirit and then people speaking in tongues the whole thing. That is not fun though. People are always like, it was crazy. But I'm like, that seems kind of tight. What is it? Evangelical? Southern Baptist. Do the Muslims have fun?

Is there a fun holiday? We like to eat. Iftar. We're supposed to control ourselves, but we don't. Well, the whole month is about like, hey, it's about do you bodily control?

Do you enjoy the discipline or kind of the mental part of Ramadan? No, I'm not good at it. Because the coffee headaches are crazy. It's tough to get stuff done. But anything that has traditions that let you be

with family, that's dope. The way Jewish people have after someone dies, I think it's 30 days? Is it 30 or 40 days? 30 days of Shabbat. It's 7. You're supposed to stay at home. You have people over.

That's dope. No Instagram. Let's lock in. I like traditions as well. I like a little bumper guard on my life. When you fast for Ramadan, are you so strict that you don't do water during the day? You're not supposed to.

It's the real. You load up. The no water thing would get me. That's tough. Just FYI. Was that a big hero for you as a kid? Huge hero. He came to the mosque one time.

He shut it down. It'd be the equivalent if anyone here is an MMA fighter that's watching. It'd be like if Khabib is Muslim. If Khabib pulled up to the NYU mosque, he would shut it. It would be crazy.

There was a thing before he passed away, Muhammad Ali would come depending on what city he was in. Some of my friends have photos of them being held by Muhammad Ali. Sitting on Muhammad Ali's lap. What? It's crazy.

He came to the mosque. My dad just put me on his lap. I have this photo of me praying next to Hakim. It's pretty dope. He kicked it with all the kids. A fish and you feed him

for a day. You teach him to fish. You give him and no, no, no. That's a good one. That was a good one. We've all done that.

Teach a guy how to fish. Fool me once. Shame on me twice. Shame on everybody. Are you going to post me? I don't want to pay for it. Post me. Jesus.

Jesus. I know. It was rough. A little thirsty. A little bit. That was super cool. He's like post me, I'm paying for this shit. I wonder in the sugar baby sugar daddy dynamic

if that's part of it. He has to point out that he's the sugar daddy. Clearly. Is that constantly part of it? I'm paying for that. It looks like he's been asking for a while. He probably was like, hey, you posted my car.

I thought you were in it. Can we run that back? What type of food are we working with? Those look like ribs. Onion rings. Post me. Where's that place Magando used to go to? I remember when I was pregnant and I used to get the ribs.

So good. Houston's. It could be like a Houston's type. That's good stuff. That's not a bullshit place. Based on just the amount of broccoli that was in the and you know it's kind of fancy because it's like the broccolini.

Broccolini. Broccolini is when you know you're going to a really nice place. When you're going to like a macaroni grill, they're like, here's some broccoli. We know where you're at. And then when you go to like places where you're really popping, popping black diamond popping. They're like broccolini. You just got it in my head.

I'm going to go buy some jewelry this week. Get some jewelry right now. Do you have big boy watches? Yeah. No, I got a free Timex. This is the Todd Snyder Timex collab that I stole from a fitting at a photo shoot. Are you going to please reward yourself

and buy yourself something nice? I'm going to wait for Tom or Russell Peter to take me out and be my sugar daddy. Will you please? I'm going to go watch shopping over here. Will you take me? I'll take you to the guy and I'll take you like immigrant style.

You know what I'm saying? You're talking about what's his name? Jacob the jeweler. The Israeli guy in downtown. I'm talking about a big boy watch from the plug. It's the hookup. So you're paying like wholesale prices. Gotcha.

Come on man, let's go get one. Muslims believe in wealth and showing and flexing. By any except dad flex hard all the time. Yeah, that's true. While I'm here a week, I'm out here solo. Can we go buy a watch? My kids and my family are back there. Let's make a bad decision.

Let's make some bad decisions. Can I tell you the watch that I was like, I want to get this watch, but I can't. I'll tell you after the show. But don't forget, I want to hear it. For real? Yeah, I want to hear it. So I'm really into roller skate tiktoks.

Dude, it's dope, right? Look at this. It's so cool. Damn. Oh, the coordination. I feel like I should have some dollars. That was like a real show. The core strength was incredible.

That's total core strength. Good one. You know what I mean? She doesn't care about you. She cares about what you can do for her. I've told you guys this a number of times. Women don't actually care about us. Okay?

This is a lane of tiktok. The man teaching other men. Oh, there's this whole lane in the YouTube algorithm that's like pumped stuff like this into my... All I was trying to do was learn about Bitcoin and NFTs, and then there's this whole thing of like,

you're a guy trying to get rich fast, right? There's also, you know what I'm saying? They're like, hey, then there's this whole cottage industry of just like, men, let me tell you how to talk to girls. I'm like, what? And then I'll look at it and it'll be like, 880,000 views. I'm like, what is this?

And they're putting this shit out there. And it's being pumped out. Oh my god, the cab driver guy? Yeah, there's a cab driver in LA that puts out a bunch of these tutorials for men. He's like, never approach a woman. He's like, then she'll know you're a beta. You're like, what are you talking about?

It's all about being an alpha male. Those videos just had a reaction shot. Like the Aisha reaction shot. Or just like girls like react like, what? Yeah. They care about what we can do for them. The emotions we can make them feel. The lifestyle that we can show them.

The value that we can bring into their lives. Really, at the end of the day, that's what they care about. They don't necessarily care about us. Jesus. As men. As people. And it's just the way they're wired. It's just the way it is, right?

Just like how us as guys, when we see a girl, if she's not attractive, if she's like a four or a five, you know, and she's physically just not attractive, we're not going to pursue her. We're not going to fantasize about having sex with her.

We're not going to want to have anything to do with her. Instead, I mean, we're just going to be fixated on the girls that are basically eights, nines, and tens. Okay. Very nice speech. How sad did that make you feel inside? I'm like so sad.

You say you're sad, but you'll be surprised. You know, this is a very happy fulfilled man. And his life is fantastic. And how much is the... And he's cutting to like his like four week program or whatever. No, I mean... You can see the sadness in his face.

What is it? Oh, it's in five, nine, two. Oh yeah, this will probably make you more sad. Let's show you this one. This is a cabbie, the LA guy. You guys have to understand something very important about women. You see, women can only pay a man as either alpha or beta.

It has been clinically proven, gentlemen, that the female brain is smaller than the male brain. True. And because the female brain is smaller than the male brain, the female brain lacks intellectual capacity. And because a female lacks intellectual capacity, she therefore

cannot fathom the fact that, hey, a man can be beta and he can be alpha. He can be provider and he can be the guy who Nagasaki Hiroshima's that puneni. Woman cannot conceptualize that for the simple fact that the brain does not have intellectual capacity for it.

Now women are closer to animals than they are to men. You know, a grizzly bear is going to come after you. A grizzly bear is going to come after you because you're either a threat or you are food. It's not going to come after you because you're food and a threat. Are there crickets in his car? Yeah, possibly.

Is he in the United States? Is he in the United States? He's on sunset. He's in LA. I'm pretty sure he's in LA. He's within a 50 mile radius of where we're doing this. Absolutely. Because part of me was like, which country are we in right now? You know what I mean?

He has a nice thing. You're home. He's home with you. He's right here. He's come here now. This is everywhere, bro. They're upset. They're angry. They're miserable. They hate men. It's because ladies, you overplayed your hand because of feminism.

Feminism taught you that you are the prize, that you are a queen, that you are a princess and that a man should bow down to you. Real men, the women, the men that you do not want, they're not going to bow down to you. Only weak, pathetic, beta males

and soy boys would ever bow down to a woman. Cool. Oh, a soy boy? I like his tank. I love the tank. Let's talk about that thin strap G-Unit tank.

We don't wear the G-Unit tank. Let's talk about the G-Unit tank that he's wearing right now. That thing is paper thin. Wow. You know that he rocks that. He rocks that so I don't know that he's an alpha. He's an alpha. I like his whole steeze.

I like his look. I don't know if I like the contest. He is confident. You have to approach him. You have to approach him. That's the problem with meeting a fine guy like this. I'm intimidated. You know how you can meet him?

Just request him on Uber. That's why he doesn't approach anybody. He has to wait to be called. You walk in through the door. You come in through the door. He's like, once again, I lay the trap and they come to me. He's the sweetest guy in real life.

Probably not, Christina. Guys like this with the big bark. That's why I fed Smoke. I'm not afraid of him. Are you seeing how much fun TikTok can be? What a cool collection of characters. You're welcome. You know where we're at with TikTok?

We're pre-canceled TikTok. We're in the wild part of TikTok. Get the machete. It's getting real rough out here. TikTok does pull down people's videos. They consider to be questionable. They do get banned here.

This guy hasn't been discovered. We're in the right lane. Die! Die, motherfucking die! Die, motherfucking die! That was just a freestyle. A sorbet, a palette cleanser. I was going to go jack off,

but then I got high. I got out of the wild and got saline in my hand. And I don't know why. Oh, fuck this shit. I guess I'm high. There you go. Are you happy to be on TikTok now? This is why I haven't cracked

what the first video is going to be. I do have an account, but I don't know what to post first. There's so many options. We got tutorials, we got singing. Let me tell you something about talking to women. That's your first post?

I pulled my wife. You guys are in Chem 2B together. You wait three to four years while she's dating somebody else. Then when they break up, you make your motherfucking move, but she's about to get a master's program. It's too long, it just cuts out.

That would seriously be hilarious. That's a great talk. I hope you do that. I'm facing a girl who's getting her MPH right now. I guess I'm super specific. I went on a Splantini's Bumble date this evening. I'm after the guy today and he asked me to go

to a dive bar that I've been to before and I said yes. We were vibing. It went pretty well. Near the end of the date, we were like, are we going to go home together? Are we going to do whatever?

We went to the bathroom and he came back and basically said that he felt like I misrepresented what I looked like in my Bumble pictures. He thought I was going to be thinner in person. He thought I was going to be thinner in person. It was really purple.

Jesus Christ, Christian. Why are we doing this? This is sad, Christina. I wanted to bring it up as an interesting talking point because why were they vibing and doing that so long? Do you have a right to say that? He was holding on to it and then he went to the bathroom

and checked the pictures. What a jerk though. Do you have a right to tell somebody that you're on essentially a blind date with? Do you have a right to say, hey, you look really different. I don't know the etiquette. I've never done it. What you do is you just finish

your date and you go on your way and you don't tell that person that. You just don't go out with them again. You don't have to tell them. You just get a fantasy in this scenario. It's too far. Can't we all just be part of

the lion fantasy for a little bit longer? Yeah. I would never tell somebody that. I feel like you've misrepresented yourself in these photos. Just think that and then just go home. I thought they were vibing. Just finish the vibe.

Finish the vibe. I had a lot of fun, you go home and that's her name on 90 Day Fiancé. There are people, I don't know if you're into that show yet. No, but somebody told me the premise and I'm like, yo, this whole show was the premium reality.

I cannot believe it. Talk about stakes. Deportation. That's real. High stakes. They're Said and he's from Morocco. He's from Tunisia. Tunisia.

He's like 50 and he's 28. She basically misrepresented herself through filters and lighting. When they met in person in Morocco, I'm sorry, Tunisia, he was like, you're 20 years old

or 30 years older. To call someone now and be like, hey, you don't look like your profile. You might be doing them a favor. That's different because in his situation he was talking to her for months. I know. They're married, right? They got to get married, right? Yeah, eventually get married.

But this is just a date. You go on a date and you don't look like it. Not a date, but he's also like, this is for the green card. That's really what's happening. And also, like, look, if we get married then I got to fill out the forms. I got to know your DOB. For sure, at the least.

You're just like, all right, DOB. But don't you wish if you were putting... Listen to me, I'm just saying. You know when you're out there in the world and the guy I went to date was like, I'm not in you. I'm not in you. I'd be like, what is going on? Wouldn't you appreciate somebody going,

yo, your pictures are misrepresenting who you are? Yeah, I guess. I might want to hear the truth. You might want to hear it. The critical word that we're dropping here is the vibe. Sometimes you can vibe with the person and the whole thing changes. You're like, I'm really into this person.

Yeah, that's true. I remember one of my first crushes when I was 7 because of the basketball stuff. I was like, I feel like we could vibe. And then one time we were watching Blade 3. Blade 2 or 3. As you do with your friends. And then I was like, yo, Jessica Bills in this.

Yo, I have like, vibe. And they're like, what? And I'm like, she was in the basketball. And they're like, bro, that's TV show. But I'm like, I feel like we would vibe. That's true. You never know. The basketball part. You know what I mean? I wouldn't just be like, yeah.

Is objectively attractive or even subjectively attractive to you. You could still end up being attracted to them later. Absolutely. Vibes the X-Factor. But also it's nice to have someone tell you you're fat. Sometimes a doctor or somebody you're close to has to be like, you need to lose a few LBs.

I think you definitely don't want to hear it though from a stranger. Yeah, but you just said a medical expert. Yeah. Christina, that's a medical expert. Not a stranger on Tinder. You're fat. And they're like, oh, I'm fat? Yeah, because it's the specificity.

Because the doctor is going to be like, your cholesterol is too high, air-goed. You know what I mean? You're right. There's like a backup. Wow, the sun came out and it's a beautiful day here in Colorado, baby. I'm thinking, Carnia saw the burrito. I hope you have a good day too.

Oh, yeah. What's positive about it? He's going to kill someone. I don't know. All of us are like that. Really? They're all kind of... I'm having a great day. That's how I feel when I see lightning.

That was rad. But you have a little tweak at the end, the way he was having... That is about to turn. Yeah. Yeah, where is this going? Carnia saw it. I'm driving.

We're going to go over the dos and don'ts of being an OnlyFans model. Yeah, girls, listen up. Over the course of a year and a half, I've gotten 14 girls to over 20 grand in a month. And most of them stay there. It's a combination of a lot of things and I'm getting into it right now.

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with your pictures on hoodies. You should be sitting on a mass message to your YouTube channel and your Facebook page. More than anything, all this attention you're getting, you need to sign up for the 25 possible influencer sites or just DM me and I'll do it for you. Okay, he's a businessman. This guy knows his stuff.

He knows his OnlyFans. I'm just for anybody listening who's curious about how to get ahead in the OnlyFans thing. I wish he also numbered this. He didn't do any text. If I want to get popping on OnlyFans, what do I got to do in there? We are already off to the races.

Do men do well on OnlyFans? I don't know. How are men doing on OnlyFans? How are they doing? Pierce is doing great. Oh, here's Paris. Of course, our guy. This is pretty cool.

What are we doing? Oh, what? The actual bank robbery? Jesus Christ. What did he think? He was just going to walk out with it? It's crazy in this day and age. They're still doing bank robberies? That shit was like Dark Knight style, remember?

Opening scene of the Dark Knight? That shit was kind of tech. We're talking about fantasies? I'd love to rob them. I would like to rob something. We're talking about fear. Get the money. Did you use to TP people's houses? I did. I was a shithead.

That thrill when you're doing it and you're still in the middle of it, I'm chasing that thrill. I like that thrill. That thrill that you couldn't get caught. But it was just close enough to the illegal line. Shoplifting was a thrill. Wow.

But I stopped at Candy. I didn't go past Candy. Minhash. Where do you want people to go? Where should they go? Just go to my socials, Hasan Minhash. There you go. Pick your platform.

You're on Instagram, Twitter. Watch Season 2 of the Morning Show this fall. Season 2 this fall. Here's my ex and Hasan in it together. And you're going to go watch shopping with Tommy Buns. Will you come by? I'll hit you up.

Closing song today is The Big Titted Animal song by Matthew, what is it? Call your wife a big titted animal and see how she reacts. That's not going to work though. I figure she has too much respect. You have too much respect for her.

You know what I love? There's been times that she's caught me cursing on stage and she goes, stop it. Really? Yeah, because she's like, it doesn't sound good coming out of your mouth. That's hilarious. That looks ridiculous. She's telling you to return the Black Diamond.

It seems ridiculous. It was not expensive. Alright. Thank you so much for coming in. What are these books? They're just things we've read and written. Okay. It's all prop.

They're actual real books, but I've never opened one. You buy them by the yard. Yeah, you do. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. It was a lot of fun. Thank you. Thank you. Big titted animal. Big titted.

Big titted. Big titted. Big titted animal. Big titted. Big titted animal. What's for dinner, you big titted animal? Big titted animal. You big titted.

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Yeah. That was great. You,場� veg, Big titted. Big titted animal. Big titted. Big titted. Big titted man.

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02:29:27,960 --> 02:29:29,960 You, You, You, Fuckers. You, You, Fuckers.

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That was amazing.