Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 596 - Jeremiah Watkins - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

YMH LIVE IS BACK! Friday, April 2nd at 6pm PT/9pm ET! Get your tickets now at https://livestream.ymhstudios.com SPONSORS: - Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to save $225 on your order - Go to https://Watchgang.com/YMH and use code YMH for 20% off your first purchase - Get 25% off and zero delivery fees on your first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH - Head over to https://Revtown.com/YMH to upgrade your denim game today! - Head to https://policygenius.com/ to save up to $1,055 per year on your home and auto insurance rates - Download Best Fiends FREE today on the Apple App Store or Google Play - When you purchase a three month subscription, https://Babbel.com will give you 3 additional months for FREE with Promo Code "MOM - Apply for free today at https://womply.com/YourMomsHouse and see if you qualify for a PPP loan. WHAT'S UP THERE CHOMO!! This week Tom Segura and Christina P discuss CP's possible future body modifications, why Tom talks to himself, Christine's crushes on the actors from Cobra Kai, and revisit their debate about who has the grosser habits. They watch videos of an upset Twitch streamer, some "Horrible or Hilarious" clips, Matthew McConaughey's intro to his YouTube channel, a tutorial on the new "Google Like Nadav" website, and more! Jeremiah Watkins is a comedian and host of the Jeremiah Wonders podcast. His new special "Family Reunion" is available on Amazon Prime April 8. He joins the Main Mommies to discuss being heckled by his parents, growing up going to church three times a week, his wife's pregnancy, and more! Jean and Jean show him videos of an armless man chopping wood, a cool toothless girl, some "Kebab Karens," and this week's round of Christina's TikTok curations.

It's going down. YMH Live is back Friday, April 2nd, 6 p.m. Get tickets. Livestream.ymhstudios.com. You're not ready for this one. We're never getting a divorce just so you know. Like you're in it, at least until our kids are grown. Not happening, Segura.

We're in it for life. You hear me? Well, you better start eating my scrum. Ah, snap. We are in why is Siri talking to me? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. That was me.

I know that was you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Jesus. We'll fix that in post. All right. OK. Can you believe all that Quavo, sweetie shit? I'm sorry? What's that mean?

I don't understand that word you say. I know you don't. How come you're this cool and why are you so much cooler than me with the stuff? How do you know these things? I don't know. I open my phone. Follow the stories, the hot news, hot gas.

How do you know the cool songs? Like how do you know the news, the blow the whistle, the remix of that? Well, let's not blow the whistle. But I understand you're saying it is that beat. I think it's just that I love that music. So I always find the newest hot shit. The Nunu.

Like today, Nutshell dropped. It was they took a song that Fife Dog did before he died from tribe and then Busta Rhymes did a verse on it and then Red Man did a verse on it. And then they cut a video that has the three of them in it, which is obviously like, you know, there's some special effects in it to make it work. But it's fucking sick.

Have you seen it? No, that sounds fucking fire. It's pretty dope. So Rest in Peace, Fife Dog. I didn't know he's dead. You didn't know Fife was dead? I didn't know that. It's been a few years.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. Yeah, Rest in Peace, Fife. And Jay Dilla produced it, who's also dead, which is incredible. Oh, they're doing all the stuff and they're dead. They're doing stuff and they're dead. Pretty cool. Yeah.

But it's pretty, it's pretty amazing. It's a good song. I mean, I think now might be a great time for me to announce that I have a rap song coming out. This is a great time to announce this. This is really an interesting segue. So yeah, before the choir happened. This is wild.

This is true. It actually is. This is not a bit. This is not a bit. This is a very new true story. So before this whole pandemic went down, Kray Sean, the famous rapper, the most talented woman in the game,

Kray Sean and yours truly, Christina P, recorded a rap song together. This is true. This is 100% true. And it's going to be on her next album. When are you going to send me a- Which drops soon. A bit, like a listen of this thing.

I haven't even sent it to you. No. It's not a secret. Because it's top secret, you got it. You got it download like everybody else. And it's really good. It's crazy. So I'm privy to floss sticks on the floor,

but not a song. By the way, he's sitting here before we start recording. And he goes, do you have anything? I got something in my teeth. Do you have anything? And I go, you mean like a floss stick? Yeah.

And what did I do? I helped you though. Yeah, you pulled a string out of your sock and you told me to use that. Did it work? It did. And then where'd you throw that one? And then I put it in the trash can.

Next to me. Not on the floor. Okay. But anyway, I want you to, everybody scoop up the mom song. I swear to God. Cray Sean, it's on her next album. Christina using slang.

Scoop up that shit, man. Is that how you say it? You guys, I rap on the song. My new track, yo. I rap. You do. I rap. I mean, I guess you do,

because you haven't even let me listen to it. It's wild. And it was so great to record with Cray Sean and see how you make a rap song. It's, I got all drops and pictures too. I think it's called the mom song. And I mean, we met in the studio. I mean, is it for the streets or who is it for?

The streets. The streets is watching Tom. And we met at a recording studio deep in Hollywood. And you know, I just, she wrote her verse. I wrote my verse. There was a beat going and you just sit there and you write on the fly. And it was nuts.

And she's like, okay, I'm going to do my verse. And she pops in the sound booth and she's just like, bet it at, like she just does it. And I'm like, wait, dude, I've never done this before. What do I do? It's intimidating. It's so intimidating. And she's just so talented.

And I'm just like, I can't believe I got to work with my hero. That's tight. I remember one time I was doing two bears and Burt was like, let's freestyle. And I was like, nah. It's so hard. And then he did.

So you can, you can hear that. You can hear your rap song? You can hear, you can hear Burt spit bars. Yeah. But you guys will like the song. It's got some shout outs to the mommy community. Nice. And it was seriously, it's a big deal.

It's a big deal. It was seriously a life highlight for me to make a rap song with Clay Sean. That's like a bucket list for sure. That's very cool. Coolest day of my life. Another reminder, we are doing another YMH Live Friday, April 2nd, right here,

streaming live from Studio Jeans. You can get tickets at livestream.ymhstudios.com. We got Chrissy Chaos, Chris DeStefano, Chrissy Westcoast is out here. Chrissy Chaos. He's gonna sit on the couch with us. We have original music by the great Marcus King Band. Oh my God.

And we have a heavy segment that we are hoping, you know, just breaks a few people's psyche. So we've been collecting this stuff for a while now. Haven't done a YMH Live in a few months. We're really excited to bring it back. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's gonna be a party. So just make a plans, Friday, April 2nd,

6 p.m. Pacific, nine Eastern. All right. And also we've prepared some special surprises for the mommies. Oh, there's a surprise. There's a big surprise, yes. Listen, if you're a fan of this show, this is the YMH Live to tune into. We have so much cool stuff.

This one's pretty rad. It is pretty amazing. All right, opening clip, you ready? I'm ready. Let's go for it. I'm ready. It's a matter of time. She's not lonely.

Oh! I apologize, I apologize. This shit is big time! Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone a muffin to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stand! Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura,

Tom Setsu, and Christina Pajitsi, Christina Pajitsi. Welcome to your mom's house. All right. Yeah, I got tagged in this video only about 15,000 times. I know. It says double pipe classic, double pipe classic, double pipe classic. Let's revisit this clip and weigh in on it, OK?

This is Wendy Williams doing her show. I guess she's doing a segment on Kim and Kanye. I've been heartbroken ever since I heard of them. Oh, it's just been devastating for the Segura house. We've all been inconsolable. Here we go. It's a matter of time. She's not lonely.

I apologize, I apologize. I hate to break it to you. Not a double pipe classic. Wow. They're literally about... Wow. They're a half a second apart. You're saying that it's the timing that needs to be picked up.

It has to be the same time. She went... Correct. You're right. That's burp fart. Simultaneous burp and fart. Now, Tom, you're credited. We were about to send her a kit, like a congratulations kit.

I told them to take it back. Wow. Wendy didn't earn her brown stripes today. She didn't earn a double pipe classic medal. No. Now, first of all, Tom Segura, I'd like to give you full credit because you came up with the double pipe classic. Thank you.

For those who are new listeners to the show. Yes. Would you like to explain it? It's on the Urban Dictionary. It is. I also coined the term, show me how those big tits fart. That's right. People have slowly learned that that's something that I came up with.

And slowly, big titted animal is going to be another one that you've introduced. I've really contributed a lot to the culture. Oh, my God. They credited you. They credited you. An Urban Dictionary. Oh, my God. You're officially famous.

Thank you. Thank you. Wow. That's... Yeah. Look, as like I said, as somebody that coined the phrase and is a respected member of the community. Wow.

I can't say that she earned her stripes on this one. Wow. But it was close. It was really close. Well, my question would be, as far as I know, the Wendy Williams show is pre-taped. It's not live. So... I don't know.

Couldn't they have edited out this horrible event? You sure think so. Yeah. She's got to be a real animal to be like, yeah, just put that in the show. Right. Like you don't think... Also because I feel like... You want to edit that out?

Yeah. The lady would be like, right? Like a guy might be like, it's funny, but like, you know, she wears dresses and heels. She's really pretty. And it's like, I'm going to fart and burp on the show. Yeah. It's kind of... Either it's...

It must have been a deliberate choice. It's a matter of time. She's not lonely. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I mean, why leave that in? She must be proud.

That's why. You think she's a mommy? I think she's trying to get the credit for the double pipe. I don't know. Maybe this is her secret shout out to us. Yeah, it could be. That was pretty rad though. It was pretty cool.

I'm going to start watching the Wendy Williams show. I saw this other clip that... This is not from television, but from a Twitch streamer that... I don't know. It kind of spoke to my heart. I don't know if you saw this one. Thank you for answering my question. I don't know where to start.

Your streams are great and funny personality. I didn't fucking start my Twitch channel to be commemorated on my fucking personality. I came here to be complimented on my boobs. And if you guys don't fucking start complimenting my body right now that I am selling on the internet for views, this is my marketing plan. You guys have to fucking leave. I'm fucking sick of this bullshit. Canadian chicks rock.

I really like her. I like her. Good for her. She does have a great pair. Oh, you have a great personality. She's like, fuck you. You see the top I'm wearing, right? See, I hear what I like a lot more about this chick.

You see a chick wearing the same top and you're like, wow, I like what you're wearing. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm more than the top I'm wearing, okay? And you're like, all right. She's like, she's what all those guys want. Somebody who's like, no, talk about my tits, man. Well, I mean, look, it's not a popular opinion these days.

But if you are wearing a top like that, that's what you're going to garner. That's the attention you're sending a very serious message. Look at my tits. There's two like types, right? There's the one who's like, yeah, I wear this top. Could you stop talking about my tits? And you're like, all right. Well, those are the ones who are like, it shouldn't just be about that.

Yeah. I don't objectify me. Look, I don't want to be crass or crude or anything, but talking about tits. I mean, why don't you get bigger tits? You know what I mean? Yeah, you've been saying this a lot lately. I mean, look, may I just, just guys, I've got huge cans already. I don't know how much bigger they can get physically.

What are they? Do you really want me to say the number on the show? You don't have to. It sounds like you don't want to. Well, it's a little kind of some privacy. Sure, you can have privacy. But let me tell you, they're already heavy. They weigh, we weighed my tits, remember?

Yeah, but like three and a half pounds. What I'm saying is like, you can almost see her nips, right? Yeah. And like, that's cool. People think that's cool. Right. And like, I can't see your nips. I don't feel like, like you got no nose ring.

You got no tats. You know what I mean? I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying, babe. I'm losing all this weight. I'm just trying to look hot for you.

Like the Bible says, I got to get all this stuff together. It really hurts my back, babe. Like I do Pilates just to strengthen my shoulder muscles. That's called a YP, not an MP. Your problem, not my problem. That's right. What are you talking about? How much bigger should they get?

I'm talking about like a fucking makeover, you know? Like a cosmetic, like go under the knife. You know what I mean? Before we move? Yeah. I mean, okay. Well, what do you, specifically like what, what would you, can you want my, my breasts to get bigger like that?

Okay. Well, she's fucking perfect. So if you don't want to be perfect, I understand. But like, could you be like near that and then? Those are enormously freakish, enormous titties. Every guy around her is like, oh my God. Wait a minute. That is the woman with the world's biggest tits.

Now, is this, oh, like a Guinness Book of World Records thing? I gotta say, I actually have a video in my own vault here that might challenge this lady's tits. Can I show them to you? And I'm feeling, I don't have any. She's not wearing a supportive bra. Not at all. Not even a bralette, which is what I wear around the house. I imagine that her back hurts though.

A lot. I mean, you see me, I've been hunched over for, my shoulders are always up. I'm trying to keep my tits up. And to walk around like that, it's gotta be painful. Well, just keep it in mind that I want to see bigger tits. I want to get that throat tat. Throat tat. Wait a minute.

I want to see a face full of mods and piercings. I'm just saying. Dude, that's, but you want me to be a totally different woman, it sounds like. Okay. I mean, no. Like what, okay, well, hold on. Just one throat tat. Do you want me to get my breasts tattooed as well?

Sure. What kind of tat? I don't know. Just get like, you know. Like that? Oh my God. I would go a little more aggressive than her. That's too chill.

Yeah. That's that. Now see, she did it right. Yeah. Do you want me to get a forehead tattoo? She looked like a pig on the left, like a real dog. On the left. And then now.

Yeah. It's perfect. Hot chick city. Wait, hold on. Do you want me to get a forehead tattoo? I took on the link of that girl. I'm kind of interested in. She spent $70,000.

Wow. Dude, do you want me to get the chin like that? Amber said she grew up hating how she looked. She now has over 600 tattoos and has undergone multiple body modification procedures. She hated how she looked as like a cute little blonde girl as well. I felt it is so empowering to take ownership control. Okay. And then is there, yeah, that's what she looks like now.

God damn. Wow. Oh my God. Do you want me to get a word? I am out of cum. I mean, she looks. Okay. Babe.

Do you want me to get a word tattoo? Oh yeah. Like post Malone has like words. Yeah. Can I get the knuckles finally? I do want my knuckles done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scroll down.

I've always wanted those. She's in Brisbane. Sure. Oh my God. So wait. I hated her fair skin and blonde hair. Oh my God. So this is how you want me to look?

Yeah. Not like that. This is a real pig there. Yeah. Not like that. She looks like shit. Yeah. Scroll down.

Yeah. Yeah. She, she fit in the crowd too well for her liking. She didn't like that. She had low confidence. I couldn't look people in the eye. Jesus. And now she can.

With all those face tats. Now when I see people pop back when they see me, I feel good. Jesus Christ. Well, hold on. So you want me to get a throat tat? You want me to get face tats? Yeah. Yeah.

And mods. Like what does this mean? What do you mean like horns and stuff? Or like, what do you want? So okay. She, she start. Oh my God. Oh, she looks great there.

Right there. She looks angelic. I don't know why she kept going. Yeah. Scroll a little more. Yeah. That looks nice. Yeah.

I get what you're doing now. She said 70 grand is so much. For this? Oh. And her tongue is split. Oh, she split the tongue, which is perfect. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think I can do that. Easier to talk and lick things. Good Lord. Oh, and she had her eyeballs modified too. She had eyeball tats. Sweetie. This is so good. I mean, look, I want to stay married to you.

She is. She does. She does look super hot though. She looks beautiful. She'll look beautiful no matter what because she is a pretty girl. Yeah. But I see what you're saying that these tattoos and eyeball enhancements has totally enhanced the whole overall look.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you know that she's super down. Sure. Now, do you think our children will be scared by my new body, body modifications? Do I think your children, I think if you just, oh, it just showed up at once, like, yeah.

But I think if we do it slowly, which is like how she did it, this is a year long process we're going to start maybe next week, you know, a year, I think it'll take about a year to do all these changes. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. I do like the idea of starting with your forehead. Yeah.

Yeah. It took her nine years. I'm sorry. But you want to speed it up and do it in a year. Yeah. Okay. Well, I better get to work. That's right.

What are you going to do? What about your plugs? You're going to fucking, I'm suing him now. You are? I'm suing the doctor that did the hair transplant. Well, that cost you what, $42,000? $42,000 down the drain. Look, it's not even growing back full.

So fucked up. Yeah. You spent hours doing that one too. Well, if you can think of any mods you want me to do, I mean, I'm happy to consider them. You know what? I think I'm just going to, I'm going to empower myself. I'm going to embrace who I am and read you some emails. So very, very hot topic in the mommy world was my use of flossers and then I would throw

them next to the bed. Yeah. And we asked you to chime in and surprising results, you guys, a lot of pro CPs. I got to tell you, I've been blown away by this, like literally, because you know what happened? What happened is at first the first wave was all condemning Christina and it was all like that is so, and I was just nodding silently. And then I don't know, like a day later, people were like, nah, the booger, like, the boogers

are way grosser, way worse or Tom, I mean, I completely disagree. And also like I'm flicking like dry, you know, when you go in, you're like, oh, there's like a dry bug here. I'm doing, it's not like wet, hanging, like wiping, it's just a flick irrelevant. That's not irrelevant. Big distinction. It's a booger. A booger is a booger is a booger.

No. Yeah. A wet, a wet boog is not the same as like dry. Flaky. Yeah. Definitely not. But you're still, I've seen you roll and you've done this thing and roll. It's like you're like this, you're like, oh, there's something here and you pull the

dry one and you just go like that. I've seen you pull some. You see me do that. Scrugglers, a little scraggly and then you do this for a long time and then, oh, and then you go back for seconds, you're not going in there. But listen, so here's some pro CP. What's up Chomos? I'm just writing to let you know Christine is absolutely justified.

Thank you. With her tooth flosser disposal method and Tim and the rest of you booger flickers are completely talked. As a fellow messy mommy, I can assure you we have more important things to worry about. Thank you. Like taking care of the children. Thank you. Milking our kings and being fucking stupid.

I tend to get dry mouth at night and being the water champ I am. I just toss my empty water cans and bottles right along with the occasional dry mouth laws and draper. When you're tired and already cozy in your bed, it's perfectly acceptable to wait until tomorrow to pick that shit up. Your honor, I implore you to find our queen. Women are stupid. Innocent and Ted, please don't 5150 her.

Love you guys. Keep them high and tight. Love your big titted animal, Amy. Well, let's also mention that we put out a poll and over 60,000 people voted. And the question we asked was the debate, Tom and Christina, debate of which of them has the grosser habit. Is this as much as even playing field as Christina thinks? Well, 60% of you said flicking your boogers in someone else's car, 50% sorry, as grosser,

throwing your used dental floss on the floor next to your bed, 26%. And they are equally gross, 23%. Wow. Wow. Wow. And here, for those of you wondering, is the absolutely alarming, appalling and frankly repugnant video of Christina doing what she does. Okay.

I'm just sitting here, feeling my night lost in a bed. There you go. See this. Look at this shit. There it goes. I got to tell you, man, I sent this, this was only intended for Nadav. I did this just to upset him because he's been so upset by my flossing habit. I did.

I sent this just to him and then the next day he was like, I'm still thinking about your video. I'm still so upset by it. So it's nasty as hell. I didn't realize that you have like a stepping mat from your bed. A stepping mat. Like you have like a rug or whatever. No, it's a huge rug underneath.

It's a rug. It's a whole area. It's a whole rug. Yeah. And it's nice, by the way. It's really nice. I believe it. And she drops her dirty fucking floss stick.

And it's like a shag. Like there's like, it's... So what? It's better than a booger. Why do you mean so what? It gets picked up the next day. I pick it up. I take it in the trash.

The thing is like, you think you know who you're with. You know what I mean? I mean, that's what happened when I saw her do it the first time. I was just like... And she was like, what? I go, what did you just do? She's like, I'll pick it up later. And I was like, what?

I thought it was a bit. Like there's no way this is real and that anyone just throws trash next to their bed. I've been doing it for months. Would you like to read some pro Tom? Sure. Let's see what this says. I've been doing this for months and I pick them up eventually. That's what's wild.

This is a new habit. It's a new habit. And it's my side of the bed. Tom, Tim doesn't even go over there. So it's my feet that are being dealt with here with the floss. Okay. I've heard and seen some gross shit in my life. I watch the heavy section of the live show and don't understand what these people are

crying about. So a lady's shit on a dude's face or popped a cyst in her vagina. It's not that gross. But I have to say, hearing this debate is cringe worthy. It isn't even close. The floss on the ground is hands down one of the grossest things I have ever heard Christina say. Tom's booger flick is a common occurrence.

Everyone does that. So what? It's microscopic. No one sees it. But the flosser thing, girl, you are nasty as hell. Lewis. Well, just because everybody does the booger flick doesn't make it okay either. So if you say that because a lot of people do it makes it okay.

That's a poor argument, Yana. The frequency of something doesn't make it okay. Okay. Here's pro Christina. Hi, etlers. I want to side with Christina on this one. Tim doesn't even go on the side of the bed where the floss stick is and it gets picked up the next morning.

However, Tim's boogers are lost forever when he flicks them to their final resting spot on Christine's car floor. Boogers are way more disgusting than a floss stick. I myself leave all kinds of garbage beside my bed and it gets removed every morning. Also my wife doesn't go on my side of the bed as well. Love the show. Can I? Can I just tell you something?

Can I tell you something? I honestly feel like people like that and now people like you should live in a shelter together. That's the type of people who are like, well, yeah, I live in this hostel and shit things are on the ground. It's gross. Tim, apparently they all agree with me because you lost in the polls. So there's more of us nasty ass people than you.

So solidarity to my nasty brothers and sisters out there. Thank you, mommies. Absolutely disgusting. I'm glad that you admit to being a human being. Let's cleanse our palates. I got to tell you something. I saw this video yesterday and it was hard not to bring it but I knew the show was recording today.

You got excited? Oh, I love that. I don't think I've laughed harder in an airport in my life than watching this video. I mean, I was shaking and wiping tears out of my eyes. Okay. Here we go. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Oh, no.

Good. Oh. Yes, ma'am. Oh, yeah. Good movement there, huh? Yeah. All right, Mr. Rain, relax that head for me. Oh, no.

There it is. You got to be charged up now. No, no, no. Wow. Wow. Power's on. All down the back. Wow.

My metal up my back, too. That all healing takes time? That this is an Amazon brine, right? That's elder abuse. My favorite is it when she's like, ah, and he's like, how about that, huh? I got you good. She's like, ah, ah, ah. He does her neck.

She's like, ah, he's like, there you go. It's like when someone's giving you a horrible back massage, you ever had a friend who's like, you're going to love my back. Yeah, here you go. They're like, ah, ah, they're like, yeah, just relax. Suck into it. Yeah. Oh my God.

Dude, he's killing this old woman. Oh my God. Good movement there, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Ow. Let's watch it again. Did she paralyze now?

So this is actually, I saw a little longer version of this after this. It starts off and he goes, look at this. She's got scoliosis that is built up over a year. So he kind of shows you that hump and he's like, yeah, this is years and years. He's obviously seen her before. Down, up and down, up and down. Good. Ow.

Oh yeah. Good movement there, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's terrifying. Relax that head for me.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. There it is. This can't be good. This can't be good. She looks like she's dying right there. Yeah, the top.

This way. Oh shit. Holy shit. Wow. Wow. She's like crazy. She can't even talk. She's so upset.

I was on. All down the back. My back still hurts. I met her with my back too. That all healing takes time. That this is an Amazon brine, right? He's got a little cat phrase. That, that, that, that, that, that.

That is horrible. She got popped so hard that her fucking tongue went out on it. She was like. Holy Christ. Well also when you go to the chiropractor. I was sitting at the airport just shaking. Yeah, yeah. You're not supposed to go out after they crack you.

You get cracked all the time. Yeah. You ever make those noises? It's funny because I see her and I could relate to those feelings, but like I've never been like that. It's like she's going to cry. I have no problems following. Oh my God.

What? Stop. Does that mean? Right before you come. Yeah. Wow. It's almost like she's too afraid to tell him to stop. Yeah.

Do you think she's just terrified at this point? Good movement there, huh? Yeah. The tongue is depressing, babe. Jesus Christ. I mean if I were him I'd be like maybe we don't put this video out. I know and she's so frail. She's like a bird.

I just realized too that this is like my new favorite lane that I'm looking for. It's like cracking old people, torturing old people, elder abuse. I go to all the, I watch all the chiropractor videos like to be compressed. It's so soothing, but they're never this funny. I'm going to look for these now. You know what's funny is that it looks like the gun, the Thera gun. Yeah. And he's like crunching it into this frail little.

All healing takes time and this is an Amazon Prime. You know what I mean? He's like. Yeah. Yeah. Like there's no muscle tissue for that thing to bounce up. No, it's just bones. It just bones.

Yeah. Ow. Can I tell you, I like this one too. You know what? It makes me laugh. Like that rescue video with the guy. Oh, the spinning helicopter. And knowing that that was a 70 year old person in there makes it even funnier.

Oh no. Yeah. There's movement there, huh? Yeah. So you said you were going to show me your crush on the show. Oh my gosh. So dude, I'm like deep into Cobra Kai right now. Yeah.

And there's this. No, I'm not going to give too much away, but I'm kind of, I'm, I'm. So this is a debate I'm willing to have with you guys. Is this the guy? Well, hold on. Let me set it up. I'm a little nervous because I kind of, I have a crush on one of the characters in Cobra Kai.

He starts off as a nerd with a cleft palate that he had repaired. So he's got a scar, right? So he's like this nerdy kid with a scar. There he is. And then the Cobra Kai sensei is like, what's up lip? Like when he meets him and he's like, um, and all the kids are like, you're not supposed to make fun of somebody for their physical defects. And he's like, bullshit, the world is not going to be nice to you.

He's like, you know what you need? You need like a fucking cool, you need a facial tattoo or you need like a funky haircut so people don't look at your scar. They'll look at the other thing. So the kid runs out crying. His name is Eli. He runs out of the dojo crying and then he comes back a week later and he's got a fucking rad mohawk and he's got a tattoo of a hawk on his back.

And now he's like the baddest karate motherfucker in the Cobra Kai dojo. And I'm so about it. Like I'm finding myself like I kept thinking like if I was 15, this is my boyfriend. And then I'm like, Oh God, that feels really weird that I'm like, am I into hawk? Like am I into like a 16 year old and I Googled him and I'm like, okay, he's 21 years old in real life. I want to be sure. Right.

Well, I'm not sending anybody DMs. I'm not like actively pursuing anything. But I'm like, am I allowed to, I'm very conflicted. Am I allowed to have a TV crush on hawk from Cobra Kai? Sure. He's 21, but he plays a teenager. Didn't you say there were two? Well then there's this other boy.

Jesus Christ. And the show, well no, there's this kid Robbie. The kid that plays Robbie is just fucking so hot. And if I were 15, oh my God, I would have banged this kid out. So dude, look at what a stud this boy is. This guy? Dude, he's got like that long skater boy hair. Who the fuck are you?

Look how cute he is. He usually doesn't have his mouth closed. Like he's one of those kids that doesn't shut his mouth very often. Is that him? That's him. I mean, he's 22 in real life. I mean, if you're 15, sure. You wouldn't take all that.

Like I said, don't message them, okay? I'm not gonna, Nadov backed me up. You liked hawk too. As a character, yeah. You think he was cute and you want to have a... Yeah, I wanted to be his boyfriend. That's cute. Yeah, Robbie doesn't close his mouth very often, but that's okay.

He's still cute. Why is his mouth open? Because he's a dope. Like in real life, he's probably just stupid, you know? But that would be your high school crush right there? Yeah, like it would be between Robbie and hawk. Because you like that skater hair? Oh my God.

Yeah. And he's a skater. Like I love badasses generally. So it would have been hawk with a mohawk or Robbie who's a skater. But Robbie's on like, he's in Miyagi-Do, which is like the dork dojo. Like they're not cool. Miyagi-Do is like nerds. Cobra Kai is where like the cool kids are, you know what I mean?

Yeah. So I probably want to date hawk because he's like Cobra Kai. That's cool. Look, you've been gone. You were out of town. You've been gone. I was gone three nights. Those nights are lonely, babe.

I'm up watching Cobra Kai. Are you masturbating to this? No, no, no, not yet. Not yet. You said don't spend so much time away, you know what I mean? Not yet. That's what I'm saying. Am I allowed to masturbate to this?

I think is the real question. Yes. Really? Sure. You masturbate to whatever you want. Right. But they're playing underaged boys. But that's fine.

That's a fantasy. You're fine. I don't want to f underage. It's cool. It's cool and bang a bunch. It's a fine fantasy. But when I picture myself liking them, I picture myself as a teenager, too. It's totally fine.

Listen. I'm very conflicted. Listen, you have permission. You can do that, OK? Masturbate all you want. You never had a weird TV crush, film crush on anything weird. Of course. Of course.

You know what I talk about when my mom's at? Is cartoon crushes. Did you ever have a crush on a cartoon growing up? Not that I really... It doesn't stand out. Everybody would talk about Jessica Rabbit and all that stuff. She was built for masturbation. Yeah, but I mean, no.

I was more into the real thing, like my sister's friends. Nerds. And I finally got in a few, but... Yeah. I didn't really do the cartoon thing. I never got into that. And then there's a whole huge... I understand that anime is really big, but then there's an anime porn world that I can't...

I'm not into that. It blows me away that I understand that being entertained, the entertainment, the artistry and the storytelling and everything of anime, but anime porn, I'm like, you'd rather watch that than real people do it. I can't imagine... My brain can't get aroused by a cartoon. What I'm talking about is when you're so young and you're like, gosh, I'd have feelings for Mighty Mouse.

I was like, I have Mighty Mouse. I'm really into Mighty Mouse. It's like a fight role. You know, when Alyssa Milano was here, I was like, I remember being a kid and being like, oh my God. And then the blonde from... Jay and your D. What was the blonde?

Charles in charge. Nicole Eger. Nicole Eger was my absolute... See like, I think I saw Milano and I was like, wow, she's so pretty. And then I saw Eger and I was like, oh, blondes are way better. And then you realize you were a blonde guy. I was a blonde guy. But her tits are way too small and she needs body modification.

Well, now... She needs neck tats. I mean, look how gorgeous she was. Oh my God. When I saw that face and I was a fucking, like, whatever, eight year old or something, I was completely just transformed. I was like, oh, this is my... You knew you were heterosexual.

Yeah, I was like... There was blood pumping through your peener. There sure was. For Nicole Eger. Yeah. Yeah. Now Scott Beyo, I thought he was cute. Chachi.

Oh, he was cool, man. But I liked Fonzie better than Chachi. You know, I liked the guys with some little bit of swag. Yeah. He's like QAnon now. Yeah. Scott Beyo. Yeah, he's fucking off the grid.

There's the Fonz. I mean, how dope was Fonzie? The funny thing about Fonz is now you know, Henry Winkler, and you see that he's like the sweetest guy. And you're like, he's actually a great actor doing this, you know? Yeah, he's a sweet guy. But Scott Beyo was hot, too. No, Michael J. Fox.

I had such a crush on Michael because he was on family ties. Oh, yeah. There he is. Oh, you know, it's so funny watching Back to the Future Now is how petite he is. Like back then, he was short. He was little. And Ricky Schroeder. Your choices.

Ricky Schroeder. Oh, my God. I can see how he was a cool kid. Oh, it's such a crush on him. Yeah. It all changes, though. You know, you go through stages. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah. But right now it's between Bobby and Hawk. Those are my two. Oh. Right, but as a little kid. I mean, look how cute. There goes the Google. Thanks, Nadoff.

That was interesting. What? I want that. Look, that's the poster I had on my wall. Which one? The first top left. Yeah. Corner left.

Yeah. Like that's who Ricky Schroeder was. Oh, look how cute he was. Yeah. Cute kid. I was like, you know, seven. And I thought he was the shit. But yeah.

Yeah. There you go. Well, I got to tell you. God, that video. I'm getting, and I'm not kidding you here. Like a thousand big tit animal submissions a week. That's growing. And we're just paring it down to a few because it's just over.

And then it would just be an episode of big tit animal. So. That's awesome. But here's some of the ones from this week. Everybody seems to be really enjoying it. I'm getting, the people are messaging me them, tagging me in them. And I keep getting feedback. They're like, we love the big tit animal channel.

No, it is really good. Something special. Here is Yusef and Stephanie. How's the food? Big-Titted animal. Fuck you, call me. Big-Titted animal. Animal.

I like when somebody is kind of. Fuck you, call me. Yeah. Yeah. Put it off. Here's Kai. What's for lunch anyway? Big-Titted animal.

Big-Titted animal. Yeah. What's for lunch? Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal. Yeah. What's for lunch? Big-Titted animal.

Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal. You. That is fact really incorrect. Oh my God, it's so much better with a British accent. It's so much more dignified. It's really great. The challenge suddenly became way more dignified.

What's for lunch? Big-Titted animal. She goes, what's you call me? Factually inaccurate. Is that what she says? I don't even know. Is that what she says? She makes it sound intelligent what we're doing here.

What's for lunch anyway? Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal. Yeah. What's for lunch? Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal.

Big-Titted animal. Yeah. What's for lunch? Big-Titted animal. Who you call me? Big-Titted animal. You. That is fact really incorrect.

Incorrect. That is factually incorrect. I'm neither. Gosh. Big-Titted non-animal. Yeah. These two are bright. They're Cambridge.

Well, clearly he's the one that listens. Oxford. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Oxford. Yeah. Jesus.

Jesus. She would be like what? All right. That was full of. That was factually incorrect. That was great. Here's a chat man. You tell me what you want to do, you big-titted animal.

Big-Titted animal. Is that not okay? Would you like to be called a big-titted animal? I don't think that's a compliment. What's wrong with being called a big-titted animal? Basically called a fat and large breasted animal. Just large breasted? Yeah.

Big-Titted. Not big-big-titted animal. Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal. Big-Titted animal.

Just large breasted. Big-Titted. Not big-big-titted animal. What the hell? That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true.

That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. I've had big cans my whole life, even before I was a little heavier. He made a good point.

He was like I'm not calling you fat. You're saying you've got huge tits. Huge tits. And you're also an animal. And that ain't no shit. Yeah. I'll show you what me and David made at Bob Evans. We had a little wire scramble thing.

Then I said draw your favorite farm animal. He drew a pig. I drew you big-titted animal. Love you. Love you too. She was not having that. She did not like that at all. Well, maybe it's the angle.

You're a farm animal. You're a big-titted farm animal. I think it's a very careful choice of how we present this. Yeah. I mean, he's a little rough around the edges. I mean, you can tell, right? David and Nicole. A little bit.

A little bit. Oh, David, that was so good. Yeah. I'm going to show you what I did for you. She was like, waiting. I drew you. You big-titted animal. And she was like.

In the farm. Yeah. With the pig. With the pig. Next to the pig. All right. Here's Den and Melissa. You want to drain my balls, you big-titted animal?

This way? What did you say to me? What did you say to me? We're just hiking. I think some of my favorites are the incredulous, you know? What? What did you call me? Because here's the thing I've realized.

I'm not sure these women are used to being spoken to in this manner. Oh, it's cool. They're used to being spoken to in this manner. Oh, it's quite clear that many are not. Yeah. So when you've got it so frequently the way I do, you're just like, whatever. It's pretty funny. I've had three times because it's in my vernacular in the last, I would say, month or two.

It's funny you're making this point. Like, I've been speaking to a woman and said, dude, and had them all three be like, dude. And I'm like, oh, I'm just like. Bro, I'm in bra. It's just a way of speaking, you know? But so, like, that's a soft version I'm saying of being spoken to. But hey, dude, like, dude. Like, oh, just how I speak.

So I can imagine that those women who jumped at me saying, dude, if I was like, hey, what's up, you big-titted animal? They'd be like, I'm sorry. What? Yeah. Thank you, you big-titted animal. Say what? Animal.

Animal? Animal. So mom's an animal. Dude, she's so, she's so much. Listen, that look is, is so much more anger than yelling. Yeah, I mean. Exceiving, quiet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, he got a fucking talking to after this. He might have had his fucking clothes cut up when he got to his closet. Like, he might be like, how come all my socks have the ends cut off? Like. I mean, look, the risks people go. Yeah. Thank you, Chris. To go through to get the footage.

That's Chris and Melody. Thank you, Chris and Melody. Melody, listen. He did it for the show. He loves you. Yeah, sorry, Melody. I'm sorry, Melody. It's just a joke.

Just a joke. I could tell that he really upset you. Also, you do appear to have a really lovely breasts. Those are big. He drinks Pepsi, which is weird. He's drinking Pepsi. There you go. Happy birthday, you big-headed animal.

She didn't like that either. What? She did not like that. She liked half of that. She liked half of that sentence. Yeah, yeah. She was like, oh, happy birthday. Yeah.

And then she, it's marinated. That's Ryan and Miranda. Happy birthday, Miranda, you big-headed animal. Yeah, in front of friends and families. Yeah. That's a good point. It's different. Not cool.

Yeah. Because that face totally went like, and she's like, what? She's like, dude, really? My mom is sitting next to me. It's so fun. Thank you guys for making them and sending them in. I'm sorry. I also get messaged.

Why didn't you play mine? It's like, I don't go, like you guys go through them, so please don't think that we are purposely not playing yours. They have to pare it down. That's why. All right. Umm, lotta, I've been jamming out a lot at my Spickjams for a while, and then... Yeah, yeah, you are heading on to your suffering.

Mmm-hmm. A-la-la-la-laaa. That's not how it sounds. And then the woman joins in... Ayy! Ayy! Ayy! Ayy!

Ah-y! The tacos are delicious! Okay. Put a pediel on their magilula. Okay. It's so- all right, babe, you're disrespecting me. Ayy! Ayy!

Ayy! I love you! I love you! I love you! The tacos are delicious! All right! I've been listening to my Spickjams. I got into a bunch of those.

Yeah. Of course, I've always been a hip-hop head going crazy with that. We know that. And I've discovered that I actually like electronic house music a lot more, too. That is unforgivable. Yeah. First of all... And I built a playlist, and then, yeah, I've been really cultivating that music.

I'm not about it. Listen, Electronica, that's my tribe. That's a deep Eastern Bloc shit. So what are you listening to? Like... Well, I start... I'm so embarrassed. I've always liked a few...

You know, there's like a few jams, right? Like... James Brown is dead. Don't know what you're doing. But... Remember that one from the 90s? I don't. But, you know, there's like a few, like, hit ones, right?

Like that you're like, oh, I like this song. Yeah. Get ready for the launch. Yeah, things like that. Or you'll be like... There's a few of those that I had in my phone, and what happens is, if you listen, I think either on Spotify or Apple, and you have a song that plays and it ends, and you're not on top of it, it's playing like just one song, it'll go into that genre of music.

Right. Autoplay, and be like, do you like this song and that song? I think Pandora does. Like, they all will just suggest music to you. So that happened to me when I was listening to a song deliberately, and then it started playing a playlist, and I got into all of it. And so I downloaded, like, 500 songs. Oh my God.

I don't like this music at all, just so you know. Yeah. Although I do like that song. How do you not like house? House music. How do you not like house music? It is so Eastern European, they love it. There was a German guy who told me that one time.

How do you not like house? She got... We were at Rocket. Remember when I worked there? Yes. And she was like, everybody listened to the different genres of, like, American music there? Yeah.

Oh God, here we go. Because she was a German immigrant, and she was like, none of you dance to house. Ugh, remember they shit the pacifiers? I can so see me there. Plus I look just like Claude von Stroke. Doesn't he DJ that stuff? I don't know who that is. He's an awesome DJ.

Electric Daisy Carnival. Oh Christ. Don't tell me you're going to make me go to these now. Am I going to have to wear glow sticks and stuff? Of course. There I am. Oh my God. I'll tell you what, I will come to your Electric Daisy if you come to Bauhaus with me when

the world comes back online. You won't come to Bauhaus and you're going to make me go to this nonsense? Well, okay. Deal. Okay. Deal. It's funny, we also spoke to a neighbor of ours this morning who was like, Tom, I saw you, I drove right past you, you saw my car, and you didn't even acknowledge me.

And we were on a speakerphone call with her and I go, Oh, was he arguing with himself? And she goes, actually, yeah, he was talking and like pointing and stuff. And I go, yeah, it's what Tom does. Tom talks to himself a lot. A lot. It's true. It's funny. It's been like that, by the way, for 25 years.

When did you start arguing with yourself? I don't know when it started, but I remember Charlie making fun of me in college. He would be like, what's going on, man? And I'd be like, he goes, you just went like this. You do. Yeah. You do. And it's funny.

So I'll see you talking to yourself. I'll be on the other side of the kitchen and I will look over and you're by the sink and you're just going, wait, let me get the mic down, you'd be like, yeah. And I'll be like, is that a good, you having a good chat? You fighting with them, Tom? So what are you going over? A ton of things. Sometimes it's jokes.

Sometimes it's like so. I can tell when it's a joke because then you go, because then you go, I can see you saying it like you do on stage because you'll go, you'll help your hand and you'll go, your eyebrows go. Yeah. It's a little more performance like, right? Yeah. And I'll be like, oh, he's working on material.

Okay. I got that one. So there's performance. Uh-huh. There's a lot of confrontation. Which let's put a pin in that and get back to the ripping somebody's eyeballs out last week. But okay.

Remind me to go back there and is up. So who are you confronting? Is it at these conversations you're planning on having later? Sometimes it's like that, yeah, running through like what I want to say. Sometimes it's, you know, it can even be things like show biz things like, oh, I need to tell that person I'm working with this or that, you know, agent, writer. You're like, and I'm not going to do it. And I feel like a lot of it's like, and I don't, I don't like that.

I'm not going to do it. Is it you saying no a lot? No, it's not all no. It's never you being like, no, sometimes it is. Sometimes it is. Sometimes I'm, I'm trying to, uh, like draft how I want to say something like it could be something that's even a compliment, you know, like how do I want to say this to this person?

So I'll run through it in my head. You even look at the funny thing is my dad does it. And I used to laugh so hard at my mom imitating my dad doing it because she does a really funny impression that she goes, your father, he's just talk to himself and like, really? I'm talking about when I was a kid, she's like, yeah, he's driving and he's like, and she said that she sits in the car next to him and she's like, yeah, you know, like spooked out by his, by his demeanor because he's doing like confrontations. Same thing you are.

The first time I noticed you doing that, we lived in the rampart division and we were at the elevator and we were waiting for the elevator to come and you were going. First of all, you go, you look up, you go, you see it and you go, I do, I do look up. You know, when I look up though, I look up on the creative ones. Yeah. You see me look up. It's positive. It's positive.

Also like pitch to myself, like ideas, jokes, things I went around. I'll start like telling the story in my head and I look up. So if I look up, it's positive. If I'm looking forward or down, it's probably either confrontation or violent. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.

Interesting. Speaking of violent, you dropped a bomb on us. The whole staff, we've, we've all expressed some concern. You threatened a man's life in the parking lot. Remember, what did you say that you're going to rip his eyeballs out? First of all, first of all, let's just, let's just lay this out here. I said something, I should, my mistake was sharing it here. It was people say crazy things or, you know, like that all the time to people, like on

the streets, somebody says something and you're like, go fuck yourself. It's basically what I did. I just happened to use more colorful language. So I just pulled in as a guy was pulling out and he chastised. I didn't say anything to him first. He said something to me first. What did he say to you? He's like, he said something I didn't hear.

So then I was out of my car. I said, roll your window down and I go, what did you say? And then he was like, you have to watch out when you're pulling in if someone's pulling out, you know, like he was, he was chastising me for the way I pulled in. And then I said, how about I rip your fucking eyes out of your face? And what was his reaction to the threat? He rolled up his window and he drove away. Because is that considered a threat?

Like can you get in trouble for that? I don't know. Are you threatening somebody's life? Yeah. I really don't know. I don't know. You may not want to say that again to somebody. You're right.

It could go really poorly for me. You know. I mean, it could. Also, I'm like, I'm not even close to fully healed. Yeah. What are you doing? Yeah. So like if I were getting a fight right now, it wouldn't be good, you know.

At least wait until you're healed so you can fight. It is illegal to make criminal threats. Yeah. But I didn't really threaten him. Oh yeah. Thripping out. I didn't say I'm going to. I said, how about I?

All right. The wording. I don't think the cops are going to care. The semantics on that. I think so. Okay. And I didn't do anything to him. I just, I just, you know, reminded him that, you know, bad things can happen.

And did you go over it in your own silent conversation later? Afterwards. Yeah. When I, when I got out, when I was walking around, I was playing that out in my head. Yeah. Like for most of the day. You were like. Yeah.

Like that. That's pretty funny that you do that. They say a lot of people talk to themselves. I talk to myself a lot. Oh my God. Showers. Showers are, it's, I'm pretty much chatting. If you had a camera in my shower, it would be, you'd be like, wow, that was a whole conversation

for 45 minutes. Yeah. I do. I have a lot. You too, Nadab. You talked to yourself? Absolutely. Fully.

Oh, by the way, congratulations. You reached your severely obese weight and you're halfway vaccinated. Yep. I'm on the road to healthy. Congratulations. Thank you. So now you're going to, you're going to flip it around? Yeah.

Now I could finally, I could get even healthier, you know, the floodgates of health have opened now and I could go on the track to weight loss. Yeah. It's pretty cool. Really excited about that. And so when you showed up, did they say, are you severely obese and did you have to go, yes, I am? No, they can't, no, they can't guess the reason that you're in there for.

You can't, you're not showing up and they're like, let me guess, severely obese? You're like, actually. Nailed it. I have a respiratory disease. Oh. My bad, man. They're just, it's on the honor system that you are in fact severely obese. Right.

And I would like to say that I did stick to the honor system and that I made sure that I maintained my severe obesity until I got my first dose. This is awesome. Great news. Tom. Yeah. Nadov mentioned earlier, so we're going out for a little YMH dinner tomorrow night and Nadov said he's going to wait until after the dinner before he starts his diet.

That's probably smart. Yeah, it's going to be my last night. They have good food. They have great food. It's a staff, it's a staff dinner that we're going to, yeah. Yeah, and it's Asian food, so it's, it's going to, I'm going to get even, like if there's a level past morbidly obese, I'm definitely going to hit it. Yeah.

I'm so proud of you. Horrible or hilarious. You ready? I'm ready. Tell me what you think. Okay. Oh, shit. I think he landed on his head.

I don't like it. Horrible. I like it. Horrible. I'll tell you why I like it. He deserves it. Yeah. Why does he deserve it?

Because he's the one that was like throwing that kick out. He's the aggressor. It's time to shit. Yeah. It'd be like if that guy had his eyes ripped out of his head, he would deserve it. You know? He started it. He started it.

You want to start some shit? Yeah. Talk some shit. Here we go. Okay. Uh-oh. I haven't seen this. Oh, fuck.

Okay. That's terrible. I don't know what's- Oh, was that a tire? I didn't even see it. It was so fast. Oh, my God. No, that's not cool. That dude's fucked.

But the motorcycle keeps going. That part's kind of funny. Which we thought- Right. That's what we thought. I agree. That's kind of funny. But that guy is- Dude, I do not relate at all.

Like, no. No? No. I don't like seeing people hurt, sweetie. I'm a woman. Women are creators of life. You guys are the destroyers. I can't.

I just picture my children getting harmed or you- All right, all right. This will make you feel better. I can't. I just- All right. All right, all right, all right. I love you. Yes.

The first three words this young man ever said on film. Thank you. Yes, McConaughey here, and I want to welcome you to my YouTube channel. It's a destination where I'm going to share who I am, who I'm not, what I believe in, what I don't, what I'm doing, what I'm not doing, along with some approaches to life that I've found useful and constructive along the way, prescriptions in the art of living that have helped me navigate this rodeo we all live in, and even a bunch of bumper stickers that I've seen, heard, gathered, and stolen along the way over my last 51 years here.

I got to check in with him and the E. I'm- Can I tell you, I am on board. I love his- His room is exactly what I imagine. He's got luchador masks in the background. He's got the bongo, whatever the fucking drum that is, he and his drum circle. I'll tell you. I like it. I'll tell you.

I'm on it. I've really taken a liking to this guy. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah, me too. It's great. Like the first time I saw him do something, I was like, weird as shit. Yeah.

I'm a weird fucking guy. But like, you know, entertaining, kind of, but weird, right? But now, the more that I've seen from him and heard from him, now I feel like he's a very positive guy and it's, this is his weird presentation. Like he's just strange and unique and, you know, he's super famous, which always, my theory is that always affects, you know, how you come at the world. But I think he actually, I buy that he has good intentions. That's what I'm saying.

Same. See, what happens at first is you go, I don't know what's going on here. Like what's the agenda? But ultimately, I do feel like he's a good guy. Same. His weirdness becomes endearing, you know? I also think this is 100% who he is. Oh, it is.

Just keep the high eye, not the low eye. Yeah. This isn't an act. At first, I thought it was an act. Yeah. It's who he is. And I like that he's trying to bring good things to the world, which in this day and age is very rare and it takes more courage to be, to spread joy and love and light.

My buddy Sean said his book is really good. Really? I'll check it out. He gave it to me. I think he's so much fun. I like him better than that. Hopefully it's going to be all killer, no filler, with some raps and rhymes that can help you get back on time, put a little reason to your rhyme, some food for thought, with

a sip of wine. Bring your funny bone. Don't be afraid to bend a knee and join me in the chase to be more me, with your chase to be more you. Now, what else are we really here to do? This is his first YouTube video. Amazing. Yeah, this is the intro to his YouTube channel.

What's his subscriptions at already? Oh my gosh. It's got to be wild, right? He just did this like a week or so ago. I bet it's crazy. Let's see. He's at what? 570K.

570K. Yeah. In a week. In a week. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's definitely entertaining.

He's already got how many videos up? Positive energy. Damn. Damn. Oh, but you know what? Oh, these are videos. What if you click on his actual, you know what I mean? Oh, like his videos?

Right. Yeah, he's got a bunch. He's got four or five up. Okay. Yeah. Good for him, man. Welcome to my channel. Welcome to my...

Oh, he's doing like full podcast, too. This is like two hours. Oh, this is a fundraiser. Oh, shit. Oh, all of these are fundraisers. That's exciting. I like him. Yeah.

I'm all about it, dudes. I like weirdos. We're pro weirdos at your mom's house. Hook'em horns, Tom. Hook'em. Hook'os horns. We're moving to Texas soon. It's coming up, Gene.

I know. It's time to get our shit packed soon. I hate packing. I know, me too. You could actually talk me out of moving if you just went like, do you really want to pack? I'd be like... I know.

All right. So let's throw it all in the trash. I don't care. Start over. Yeah. It was brought to my attention that we need a joint name. The way that Brad and Angelina... Brangelina.

Mm-hmm. Benifer. We need a joint name. Mm-hmm. No. What are you thinking? I was thinking Tomstina. Tamina.

Chris Tommy. Chris Salami. Is that me or you? That was me. Damn. It all happened here. Yeah, I like those when those happen. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com.

Subject line should say what? Joint name. Joint name? Joint name. All right. Give us your suggestions. Give us your joint name. I'll take it.

I want to point this out before we take our break here. Yes. So you remember Audio Bridge Matt made this? Yeah. This is the GeneCube? Yeah. Okay. You haven't seen this yet.

No. I saw this. That's him. That's Audio Bridge Matt. Oh, cool. And I don't even want to, I just, just please, just press play. It's up YMH community, Audio Bridge Matt here again. I've been thinking a lot about how much shit Nadav gets for how bad he is at Googling.

And I realized, you know, the best way to empathize with somebody is to experience what they're going through. That's what I decided to do is put together a website where we could all experience the process of Googling as if we were Nadav. So let me show you how it works. Let's see. This guy. All right.

So if we go to Google like Nadav.com, we have Google like Nadav. And what happens is if you start to type, you see that it slows you down. You got to take it at a certain pace. You got to take it at Nadav's pace. You get to put one letter in every two and a half to three seconds and go faster. So we have to kind of work our way through it slowly and surely. And then you can Google search and we'll actually perform an actual Google search for whatever you searched.

So let's go back to a couple of other things here. Now, one thing that we do know is that there's one thing in the history of YMH that when Nadav Googled it, he was quicker than anybody else. And that was when he Googled drumline. So on the site, you know, you, you're stopped from, you know, Googling too fast. But if you do search drumline, you can search it right away. No delay. One other thing is if you click on the logo here, it will take you to the SoundCloud of

the Banger by Grass Kingdoms. And Nadav is Googling. So I can confirm that Googling like Nadav is about as infuriating as watching him Google. But you can experience it for yourself now if you go to Google like Nadav.com. I also got Nadav is Googling.com, which redirects there. And Nadav, we all love you. Nothing but love. Tom may not love you, but the rest of us do.

And hopefully this brings us all a little bit closer to you and your experiences. I mean, come on. That is brilliant. It's absolutely. Dude, AudioBridge Matt doing that though. That is really, really fantastic. So creative. I mean, yeah.

You're so blown away. I don't know. How does he do all this stuff? Yeah. I don't know how that guy. Shit. What a talent. Thank you so much, AudioBridge Matt.

Thank you. So flattered. It's amazing. I mean, you should be. He spent a lot of time doing that. I have to try it. Just so everybody can experience Googling like a talk, you know? And it really is like that.

It do be like that. It's an authentic experience. The slowness, like you mean like the delay? Jesus. Can you not type? You have to learn how to type properly. Because I'm saying like, you know, when you go and type in class, J, K, L, M, N. He's.

You don't. Do you type like this? You peck? I mean, I do peck. Yeah. One thing actually like another feature that would be great on it is because I do have sausage fingers is that every letter that you hit, it like splashes around. Oh, whatever.

Yeah. Because that's definitely a big mistake that I make a lot. Yeah. And you're not like, like a big speller either. No. Yeah. Now that's always been your weak spot in school. Spell.

Yeah. There's lots of stuff that I don't know how to spell. Yeah. Yeah. Huge shout out to Audio Bridge Martha. All right. Let's take a quick break and we'll be back in a moment. And we are back and we're really happy to bring to you one of our friends, somebody that

we used to see at the once popular comedy store. And now he's sitting here with us. He's the host of the Jeremiah Wonders podcast. It's Jeremiah Watkins. Hey, everybody. What's up? I'm so excited to see you guys in person. It's fun, right?

It's fun to see people again. It's great. It's amazing. It feels different. I saw you in Addison. In Addison. Stopped in. Yeah.

Your headlining that weekend and I was over at the club in Fort Worth. Yeah. Yeah. It was a trip to see somebody in real life. Like we see you all the time. We used to see you all the time. I know. We run into each other at airports and random flights and stuff.

Yeah. That's the world of comedians. Yeah. And now you're back and you're going to have a baby in a month. A month. We're on countdown. Dude. I was just telling, so you're having a boy.

Having a boy. That's so exciting. Right, Tom? It's pretty dope, right? Man make man. Man make man. Man make man. Dude.

My calm works, dude. Yeah. Sure does. Sure does. I was just reminiscing before we started rolling on that last month having marital love. I loved it. And you did. Oh, I loved it.

Oh, you liked the last month of pregnant sex? I liked pregnant sex the whole time. Really? Yeah. The more that you're like incapable of like doing things. Not moving. The better. Yeah.

Dude, I like my women like dead things. That's what I like. Yeah. Just not moving. Let me do all the work. Oh, yeah. Can I tell one story? Sure.

We'll edit it out if you think it's too personal. Go ahead. I was eight months pregnant. I mean, we're talking the final countdown of just like pregnancy misery. This is our first child. And Tom and I are having trouble getting it in. You know what I'm saying? It's hard to position bodies at that point.

And we had both gained a significant amount of weight. Yeah. I was also pregnant. That's what you're leaving out. Yeah. We both gained like 60 pounds. It's so weird. Super fat.

And he's like, well, let's try the dog. So here I am. And I am fucking, I'm fat and my stomach is huge. And I'm in the dog and you're doing it. And I remember, I was like, babe, I can't. I can't. Like I couldn't hold myself up on my arms. So fat, so heavy.

I don't even remember this. Really? And I was like, I can't. I can't. Like it was too much weight. And that's what I remember. I'm sure I came. So that's what I don't remember.

If I hadn't, I'd be like, oh, I remember that fucking time. But I'm sure we figured it out. Yeah. It was that last month, I remember. Yeah. But you're in it now. You're coming all the time in a pregnancy. All the time.

Yeah. They say it's actually good. The closer you get to pregnancy, it helps release the baby. It does. It does. When we went, we had a false alarm for our first kid. And we went and saw the doctor and he was like, OK, go for a walk and then get busy. We were like, what?

And he was like, you know. You know. The contractions. Remember how you made the baby? Keep doing that. And I was like, OK. What do you mean exactly? Yeah.

I like how we clearly fuck and the doctor's like, get busy. Yeah. Yeah. Just say it, man. Go home and fuck. Butt sex. Yeah. Go fuck her ass so the baby comes out.

Yeah. So are you weirded out at all? I mean, I know she's not listening to this. But we'll. She's OK. She's super chill about this stuff. Yeah. We can talk about it.

I mean, it has to be weird to see your wife get pregnant and bigger. And like it doesn't it didn't obviously didn't slow you down one beat. No, no. She's been impressed with my still like down for her. Yeah. Yeah. Like like she's been like stoked that I've been like, hey, I mean. Yeah.

Because now you can bust nuts freely and there's. She's not gonna get pregnant. Bus nuts freely. It's nice. Yeah. Yeah. It's the best. Yeah.

It's it's also you're talking about like the positioning. Yeah. There's like different angles and stuff. Some positions actually are even better than before in some ways. I found because like you have to it's hitting the penis head a little differently. Like the the kind of the canal and scoop angle and stuff because it's like certain weird angles that we wouldn't have ever done before. Yes.

So we're just we're figuring. I'll give you a heads up too. This is your first kid, right? Like that first month after the baby is born, you're going to be fucking a lot of other chicks for like for that whole month as like your wife recovers. Okay. Or guys and it's not. With or without noserings.

So much better when they wear them. Am I right? Yeah. Yeah. So much better. What's up? Nothing. I just didn't know we had an open relationship.

We never negotiated. We're done now. I'm talking about back when. Back then. Second kid too. You did that too. Cool. Let's see here.

Great. So. Jesus. I don't know. Things happen. So last week we were celebrating. This is like not a joke. We celebrated this lady who is armless and drives.

Right. I started driving. And more so my dad. He had a job. Because my mom, she just. She has no arms. She's driving. And this is.

This is legal. I don't know. Really good question. But. I was just. I really truly was in all. And. I was like.

You know if you can drive without arms. You know it's like what. Like that's like the height of me being impressed. You know with like. People are so adaptable. This week. Look at this video. Oh boy.

Just do this. No. No. No. No. No. Just do this. No arms.

And he's fucking chopping wood. Dude. How. Dude. How. Yes. How amazing is this? It's amazing.

So for those of you just listening. He's tucking the axe under his neck. And chopping logs of wood. And I think it's hard to hold a cell phone next to my ear for like more than two minutes. I know. And then this guy is just plowing away. Plowing the violin. I saw this.

And I was just like. I can't believe I ever complain about things. No. That's amazing. Where I'm like that's hard. I know. That's insane. It's resilience.

It is. I love this. I mean how like his neck calluses have to be so thick at this point. I'm just like. Just a beef jerky neck. Dude. Look at him. He's splitting logs.

It's amazing. I can't even do that with my two little chicken arms. Can't believe it. Can you do anything with your feet? Like can you do anything? I can pick things up with my toes. Yeah. Yeah.

I do that. Is that a turn on? Sure. Yeah. Sure. I can jerk a guy off. Like things like that. But like pinky toes only.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm making pick some things up. Can you pick the item? Can you pick up a pencil with just your toes? Yes. Yeah. Prove it.

Yeah. Dude. I think I could. I'm going to try this. I might spill it all over myself. Don't do it. Don't do it. What are you going to do?

I'm going to pick this up with my feet and try to drink it. No. Why not? Because you'll get our couch all wet in our equipment. Okay. Yeah. Don't ruin our equipment. Okay.

I was going to put the mic like out here. I don't know. What do you think Tom? I think pass. Yeah. I don't want you to get electrocuted. Okay. I would rather.

I'll close it and I'll show you an example. Yeah. Do that. Close it and show me an example. Okay. Oh, yeah. You would have spilled fucking everywhere. You would have spilled everywhere.

Yeah. Everywhere. Yeah. How far can you go? Would have had real leg on my face. Yeah. How far can you go? You were almost there.

Huh? Was that as far as you could go? Let me see. Well, okay. Did you do sports? Ballet? I mean. Let's see.

I would have had a waterfall. You do look like Pierce Paris. You do look like Pierce Paris. We had a guy in here that can do something else with a bottle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's impressive.

That is. That was pretty great. I'm glad that you stopped me though. Thank you. I'm glad I did too because I really think it would have been a disaster. It also, it would have made me feel real bad in my head for quite a while during the episode. Wet and then the couch.

Oh, you wouldn't like that. It's like you guys literally ripped the label off of the couch as I sat on it. Yeah. Yeah. It is a brand new couch. It's nice. Yeah. Well, you did it.

You did pretty well. Tom's like, I can't believe Jeremy just did that. Are you in awe? No. I mean, yeah, it's impressive. It's impressive that there's no way he would have done what he said he was going to do. You're very long. No, there's no way.

I wasn't even close. Not even close. Not even close. Here's the thing. I have too much confidence sometimes and that was one of those moments you just saw. But that's a good trait for a comedian. Yeah. It's not that good to have too much confidence all the time, but some of the time because

that's how you actually end up trying things. You take risks if you have some confidence. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, I'm going to go for it. I really thought that my feet were going to just go to my mouth. You did. You did.

And then you're like, dude, I know how human bodies work. And I'm like, I don't know if I do. This is nothing to do with confidence, but I was extremely impressed. I didn't know when I did Kill Tony, like I don't know how long ago, you ripping on that sax. I was like, whoa. Oh, yeah. Shit.

Oh, yeah. So you were raised. I mean, you played it as a kid. Yeah. I played it when I was like in third, fourth grade. Third or fourth grade? Yeah. And did you play all throughout like the rest of school?

Yeah. I played through like grade school and high school. How much time would you spend typically in a week, let's say? I mean, it slowed down a little bit in high school, but like when I was really going at it, I mean, I don't even know how patient my parents had to be to hear. Oh my God. I used to play outside in our backyard. So your neighbors could get that awesomeness.

Yeah. I was on a busy street though, so just like cars passing by and stuff, so it kind of masked it. Or was it hours a day? Yeah. Yeah. Every day. Throughout the week, like when I was diligent, it would be at least an hour a day.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I mean, the amount of times I've played the Pink Panther on repeat like as a kid, like I just, yeah. Yeah, it's a good jam. You were playing the, what's the George Michael one? Oh, Carol Swisper?

Yeah. That's great. But here you do it live? That's fucking cool. Yeah, dude. Baker Street or the top two that requests that you get. What's Baker Street? How does that work?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Jerry Rafferty? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You remember when you first nailed it? Like when you could first, you're like, oh, I got it. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I felt good. Felt so good. I felt like coming in a pregnant woman. Yeah. That does feel so good. That does feel so good. Yeah.

That was awesome. Yeah. Doesn't matter. I mean, anybody who's never played sacks, that's the exact feeling. That's how I've heard it in the books I've read. I mean, yeah. I think Miles Davis said that first time. It's like coming in a pregnant lady.

It's like coming in a pregnant lady. That's what I think about when I'm up there. That was so popular in the 80s. Oh, yeah. It was like every 80s movie had that. Yeah. You touched on confidence. Mm-hmm.

And I would like you to view this. Okay? It'd be so mind-blowing how people would be so surprised when they find out I have a man. They only say that because I have mist and teeth and I got a body hair and I don't have a whole lot of weave in my hair as if a man validates my existence. And it'd be the same females who would get in relationships and be like, oh, my God, what's up? Why is he cheating on me?

I'm so pretty. I got a mop and I cook and clean. Yeah. Because your basic is fuck. You don't know who you are. You're lost and you spend your entire life trying to get picked and chosen. Picking to yourself. Mm-hmm.

She gets it. She gets it. She does. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she could teach a Tony Robbins type class easily. Easily. And if I were her producer, I'd be like, hey, make sure through your class that your armpits

are showing and you don't never put teeth in. I didn't even notice the armpits until she commented on it. Yeah. No, I did. Right away. You know what I've noticed though? But I think she's great. I really do.

No, she's very inspirational. What I notice about chicks with armpit hair is they love to wear things that show off the armpit hair. More so. You know what I'm saying? It's really annoying, actually. It's a thing. It's a thing really, like, attractive about somebody who just goes...

Swag. Yeah. She was just, like, waiting to get picked. Yeah. Fucking pick yourself, bitch. Swagger. And you know what gives her that confidence? Throat tats.

Yep. Which is why I want you to get one. That's why I'm getting them. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to get it? I mean, it was your idea. Now I see it works.

She's got a boyfriend. I want her to get tats. You're going to have a dude like that behind you at all times since you get a necktact. That's true. Just texting. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's me after my hair transplant, just long red hair.

That's true. Died. Right? It's not red. It's green. Green? I don't know. I'm colorblind.

I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at. It's green. Is she black? She's black. Okay. She's Swedish. Yeah. Do you see the top knots?

Yeah. Anyways, I thought she was great. No. I think she is more inspirational than Tony Robbins in a way. I love her handle even. Who is Shonda? Let me tell you. I am confident.

That's true. Yeah. Yeah. She's a great tiktoker. I liked her. So you know where she was before or no? Yeah. Didn't I curate this one?

Is this one of mine? Nope. It is. Oh, no. I believe I've seen her at least. Okay. I believe you've seen every tiktok. I have.

I believe that. Yeah. It's really good. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Well, there's all new lanes all the time. Okay. But yeah.

What? Nothing. I went to church like five times a week growing up. Yeah. Yeah. Three times a week. That's really upsetting. Three is a lot.

What's that? I said it's really upsetting. Can you take us through it? Yeah. Thank you. I'm having flashbacks already. I mean, I went once a week and it was mandatory and I hated him. I think the mandatory thing is the problem.

As soon as you're told you have to do this, that's when you're like, oh, this is hard. Wait. So you voluntarily went three times a week? No. No. You would go Wednesday nights, Sunday mornings, and Sunday nights. No. Wait.

What's up with the double visit on Sunday? You forget something there? Why are you going back? Yeah. Don't go back. Did you leave your wallet? Is there a lost and found at church here? Yeah.

What the fuck? Yeah. That was just normal. So wait. Take me through the day. Like you wake up at what time on Sunday? Back then you would wake up at dependent on if you did the early Sunday school before church.

So sometimes you would wake up at 7 or 8 a.m. to get there by 9 9 30. Okay. And then that would be the first, like more of the kids service that was downstairs. They had puppets and weird stuff like that. And then 10 10 30 would be the main sermon upstairs with the whole congregation with like old people, young people, all in pews, sitting on a line and worshiping. And how long is that service? Probably hour and a half.

Hour and a half? Yeah. What's the difference? Yeah. It was a Protestant Christian. Oh, God. So wait. So service wraps up.

You've been there an hour and a half. Yeah. Do you go out to eat? Do you go home? Like what happens after? Well, sometimes they have potlucks where you'll have lunch there right after. Like a luncheon kind of thing. So you and your friends and BTK, you guys are all kind of hanging out.

Just all chilling. Yeah. Just all chilling. Okay. And then so then you would eat like lunch around noon to one. You'd literally go home for a few hours and then the Sunday sermon would be at 6 p.m. So it becomes an all day event. And so, and your parents obviously would want like enjoyed this.

Yeah. My dad did more than my mom for sure. My mom would be the one who would talk my dad out of having to make us go. Even more. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Like on Sunday nights, she'd be like, can we let the kids like stay in?

And he's like, all right. I'll go. Wow. Because even God rested on the seventh day. I know. You guys need to rest. Not in Kansas. We do two days, baby.

Two days. That's some serious shit. It is. I remember when I was in college. I went to this college in a small town in North Carolina and there was the not Protestant but Pentecostal. Baptist. Pentecostal.

Oh, Pentecostal. Have you ever been to one of those church services? No. But these guys would go because there was a couple of kids that were like in the playing sports. So I knew them just like from school and one of them was like, oh, I went with so-and-so church today. Six hours.

Six hours of church for six hours on a Sunday. That's terrible. The pews are so uncomfortable. We went to one of my buddy's Pentecostal church services one time and they spoke in tongues and did the whole thing and they ran the aisles like worshiping and it was, that's when I knew that it was a lot was my dad was like, oh, we don't have to go back there again. Oh, he even registered. Like he visited and he was like, this is.

And was it long as fuck too or no? Yeah. Because the whole thing when you're in Catholic church, you're just fucking, you see communion time, you're like, all right, we're round and third. This is about to wrap up. And then we would learn that certain priests were short and they would do like a 40-minute service as opposed to the long-winded guy who loved to go on and on. He's stretching.

Yeah, he's stretching. And then it's an hour 15 and you're like, come on, man. Because for us as kids, it was like, let's just wrap this shit up so we can enjoy Sunday. Yeah. Like a free day, you know? God damn it. Going back at night is insane to me. That's not cool.

Yeah, you think you're done and then yeah, you go back. That's too much. So what happened on Wednesdays, dude? Wednesday would be like. You have school. Yeah, but it would be early enough where. Like is it six, seven a.m. service? No, no, that would be in the evening.

It would be an evening service. Oh, an evening. Oh my gosh. It's like a Bible studies, like kind of. Man. You just got to go to sleep early. So what time were you going to bed? To your, I mean, I was, I was going to bed at like, I don't know, but like probably

as a kid, 9 p.m., 10 p.m. Okay, okay. Yeah. And your parents, are your parents alive still? Yes. How do they feel about you? I don't know. Just doing what you do and not being.

They're an interesting case because they literally are nowhere. The people that I grew up with as my parents, it's not them, like at all. Like as far as like, they've like opened up, they're like, they're secular people now, if you want to go. Your parents are? Oh yeah. Wow. They drink, they smoke weed.

So they changed? Oh, entirely. Oh, wow. They changed them. They got divorced. And. That'll do it. And.

I'm suddenly not so Christian. Right, dude? Yeah. So I'm talking about, man. Hang loose, man. Yeah. It's a party, bro. Dude, it's crazy.

Spring break every day. Every day. Let's go. You just come in, you go, you all right? Kids all right? And then you just fucking go back out. See you later, dude. Take care of it.

Hit the bars. That's what I'm going to do, dude. Hey, can I hold that baby? I got to get a selfie. All right. See you later, dude. Boom. Throw it back.

You get it. See, you already did it. Dude, I'm doing it for the likes, man. Come on. Yeah. That's what this pregnancy is all about, dude. So let's go to, all right. Your parents get divorced and then that kind of resets them?

Oh, yeah. Which I feel like, I mean, I think they're both pretty aware. They both kind of, I feel like, had their midlife crises at the same time. Sweet. So did Tom and I. He's making me get big ol' fake tits and stuff, but sorry, go ahead. I mean, you know, play's got to play is what I'm saying, man. Yeah.

So they had a midlife crisis at the same time. How do you know that? What were they doing? How did I know that they were having midlife crises? Well, when you grew up a certain way, you know, your entire life and then you see the opposite, you know something is not. Like were they going out to bars and depending on each other? Yeah.

I mean, I guess I'll tell this. My dad, when they were having like their like marital problems and they were like separating, I don't know why my dad thought that I should be like his buddy cop, but he would take me and he's like, your mom's in a bar. Let's go. Oh, no. Fuck. And he and we would be like staking out like how old were you?

This is in my teens. So you're like 14, 15. I'm like, I'm like in high school at this point. I'm like, at this point, I was like probably 15 or 16. And you're just sitting in the passenger seat. I'm literally like sitting in the passenger seat and I see my dad like, like go and get some snacks at least, man. Where we fucking stay.

Yeah. And they, they like, they were like separated at this point, but like there was still like obviously feelings there. They loved each other and they'd been together. And I remember them going to, to one bar and literally seen straight out of a movie. She was dancing with this black guy and they're like, like grinding and stuff like that. And my dad is, is like, that's my wife. No.

Yeah. Separates them. And I'm like, why am I here? I didn't need to stay up late for this. Oh my God. Jeremiah, that is traumatizing. That is so traumatizing. Now, what are your comedians?

Holy shit. Oh, that is why you're a comedian. Yeah. Oh my God, dude. I've never said it on podcast before. You want to just like crawl out of your own skin? I want to crawl out of my own skin right now, saying that out loud. I've never said it out loud before.

And how did it unfold? Like, so then she was like, what do you do? Like, was it a whole scene? I mean, she'd been drinking. So she's like, yep, gotta go boy. She like, you know, oh my God. Did he beat the shit out of her? No, no, no, no.

There was never anything like that. She's. I really considered that for it. And he was like, oh no, no, no, no. No, no. No, no. No, they did. They did get in like, Merrill fights where they would like call the cops on each other

and stuff like that. But that's just like kind of like white trash cans and stuff. Where like, I remember my mom threw tomatoes at my dad once when they were in an argument and my dad called the cops on her for throwing tomatoes. Yeah. No. That's just like, but that's the height of like the passion, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. You got to witness that. Yeah. And that was the beginning of the, like that was the, you said they were separated already when that happened. Yeah.

They were separated. So what, how old were you when things started to fall apart in their marriage? Probably around 15, 14, 15, and then they got divorced when I was 17. Perfect. That's the perfect time for all that's happened to you. Yeah. Why not? Like, I mean, horrible.

No, I mean, so that must mean they were miserable at least a few years prior to you being 14. So essentially you're a whole. That was, when I started noticing was around when I was like 14. So you became aware, but I'm sure. I became aware of it, but I don't know. Yeah. Who knows? Like behind closed doors.

It makes me so sad that it's like you were almost out of the house. We almost made it. Yeah. Like they could have waited. Yeah. Yeah. My brother, I have an older brother, younger sister. Yeah.

I went to a high school, went to a really small high school and there was a kid in my class who, his dad, his parents divorced like the week after graduation, like they just waited until they graduate and then they got divorced. What a graduation gift. I know. Right? Yeah. It's a nice send off, you know?

And then the, you open a card, your mom and I don't love each other anymore. Why? And then that next week. Congratulations. That next week, the mom got like a hundred thousand dollar car and I was like, what the fuck? It was like her divorce splurge. Her FU.

Wow. You're never getting a divorce just so you know, like you're in it, at least until our kids are grown. Not fucking happening, Segura. We're in it for life. You hear me? So I am not doing this shit to my kids ever. You hear me?

What do we do? They're not becoming stand-ups. What do we do if there's problems? Pretend like we're not. Oh my God. Pretend like we're happy forever. I mean, we are happy in your life. What plan is that?

I don't care. I just don't want my poor kids to be sitting on someone's podcast and waiting here. Well, you better start eating my scrum. Babe, I'm already getting implants. I'm already getting the chest tats, the neck tats. You're making Jeremiah uncomfortable. Okay. He's our guest.

But seriously, how stoked are you that they got out of that church stuff? So now you don't have to go three times a week. Like was that the blessing in the skies? Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, it's a great math with your dad and fucking, you know what I mean? I just did a podcast with my dad. You did?

Yes. I got to see this. Is it on your? It's on Jeremiah Wonders. Yeah. And it's awesome because I asked him a lot of uncomfortable questions that I had always wanted to know. And I asked him, my mom was his third wife.

Your mom was his third wife? Yes. Third. So how old is he? And he's on his fourth wife now. I was about to ask you, did they remarry? Yes. They both did.

How do you feel about their new marriages? I'm cool with it now. It took me a long time. Sure. It's your parents. As a comedian, I was trying to do material about it on stage and I had a buddy who pulled me aside and he's like, hey, man, just as your friend and as a fellow comic, I don't think you're over this yet and that's why it's not funny.

Because I was like, you know when you can tell a comic is bitter or angry when they're telling a bit and then it just reeks of that. And you're like, oh, this person is still dealing with this. So like once I got past that, now I can talk about it and it's fine. But there's a time where I was like, why is this bit bombing? But it was because I was angry in the audience is like, oh, this guy needs therapy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You're real fired up about it. Yeah. But yeah, the podcast with my dad, he revealed that he lost his virginity to a prostitute. And he comes from literally missionary parents. He grew up in the Cayman Islands. So like he dealt with like these polar opposites in his life too. And then like now I'm dealing with them in different ways, like with my parents and stuff

like that. But yeah, it's pretty interesting. So extreme, Jeremiah, knowing you, what little I do know of you, do you know what I'm saying on the surface? Yeah. And then we've only just scritchety scratched a little bit and it's so extreme. Yeah. There's a lot of extremes.

Four or five marriages. I am an extreme person just by nature. Like my wife knows that about me. I go for things a thousand percent or I'm like very like to your face, like, nah, not into that. Like, I'll just tell you, like I try to be, like I don't have a poker face. It's like an ongoing joke that my wife and I have. Like if I'm with her family or whatever, she's like, just, can you pretend?

Can you pretend? Like you like try to act. You act all the time. Yeah. You're not acting right now. I'm like, sorry, I'm just tired. Yeah. Funny thing, because that can happen, like, you know, with family, I kind of do it like

I can't hide my emotions when I'm with family. I think because like when you finally take those layers off, you feel like you can be like yourself, like around your family and stuff like that. And then you let your guard down and then you realize like, oh, maybe I should try make an effort to be like slightly more polite or whatever in different situations or just retreat to your room. Yeah. That's true too.

Naps like crazy. And my wife caught on to it. Like when I was visiting her family. Oh, yeah. I know that move. Oh dude, I was napping like crazy. I'm like, I'm so tired. I'm going to go take a nap.

And then my wife caught on to it. She's like no more naps. Like, ugh. My own family when I visit in there, like, you know, we haven't even seen you here this week. And I'm like, yeah. Rowe's been crazy. Super tired though.

Yeah. It's funny. On the opposite, when I'm around family, I'm so uncomfortable that I'm trying so hard to not show it. Like good. I think that's my wife. Yeah. Yeah.

Doing back flips to not feel and to not get hurt. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. So your, but your parents are both remarried now. They're both remarried. And happy. Yeah.

They both found people that they, they both really love and yeah, it's a good situation. That's good, man. Yeah. That's good. That's great. Man, that's intense though. It's, it's better than a Armie Hammer situation. You remember we, we read, we, we talked about him a few weeks ago and the story was, if

you don't know, that Armie had DM'd a couple of people, they released his side only of the DMs, which showed that he had quite a cannibal kink. Oh yeah. Like he was like, I want to bathe in your blood, I want to jizz in your open rib cage, like all this crate. I want to eat you and cook your parts. And then you're only seeing his side and there's a back, there's clearly a back and forth kind of going on.

This is Robert Paul Champagne on the other side. Just requesting everything. So it's like going, it's like going and going. We're like, all right. And we kind of get to the point where it feels like essentially this is this guy's fantasy and we're like, oh, you know, it's his, it's his kink. It's what he's into. It's like playing into it.

But since then we have learned that the LAPD are now investigating him after a woman reported she was assaulted by him. So the sex crimes detectives of LAPD West Bureau took a report from a woman saying that she was attacked by him. And so now his kink has been escalated to the accusation of actual sexual assault. Geez. Yep. And, you know, he needs to go to church three times a week, I think.

He's done. Play the tiktok of the accusation. It was so weird how one girl though, one girl that she was like, I dated him. And she's like 21. And she did this whole interview talking about, I'm worried. And then she's like showing photos of herself visiting his family with him and like spent Thanksgiving at their house. I'm like, I think you're just, she didn't accuse him of any crime.

She was just like, he's bad. And you're like, it seems like you're just doing this for attention. Yeah. Are you bandwagoning right now? Yeah. That's so cool. Do you share sexual private matters with somebody? I feel like they do that in a lot of those like documentary type things, like with, like

I just watched the like the Britney Spears documentary and they've got like different, with different celebrities, they'll pull somebody from their past who literally has one photo with them. Yeah. And then they're interviewing them for like 20 minutes and they keep showing the one photo. I'm like, did you know them one summer camp or something? Yeah. They'll even show them like, that's me over the shoulder.

No, the other guy. I'm like, that's me. Out of focus. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think you really, you stood in the same room. Right. But this is a serious accusation, you know.

Well, so he's, he's really, now he's legit canceled. Maybe we don't know. We don't know. I mean, there's an investigation kind of, it was just, it was a real crazy story. That's so fucked up though. Like if you're sexting or sending your d-picks or whatever and then some girl like outs you, I think that's just so uncool. Yeah.

I mean. We need to go after her and be like, you fucking bitch. Got a real ally over here. You got a real one, dude. Ride or die over here. I'm serious though. Whatever happens to discretion. I think, I think it's, dude, yes.

I think it's like, happy national women's, happy national women's history, whenever. I do think that it's really tacky. I'm a bad bitch. I've got a wop. Tap, tap, tap, so my bestie got a tassie. I think that, I think that it's really tacky. Man or woman has any like sexual experience, dating experience or private experience and they go, no, I'm going to put it out for the public to help.

Well, think if the roles were reversed, okay? Let's say a guy did it to some actress, which it has happened in the past. For sure it has. There are leaked naked photos of somebody and then the, now it's actually really cool that people pile onto the guy and say, hey, dickwad, you've exposed her against her will. So why is there this double standard of, no, and it's also like, look, like to reveal a private thing is super tacky. It really is.

I mean, I don't know. It's like, I tell a story about a date. I always use a fake name, you know, you're going to like put somebody out. That's not, it's not cool. What about that guy we were talking about this week and the athlete? Oh, you can say him, that's public. That's a, that's not, we didn't talk about the story. Okay.

This is kind of apropos. Do you know about the Deshaun Watson story that's circulating right now? No, not yet. So Deshaun Watson is an incredible football player, quarterback for the Houston Texans. He made it known. This is the conspiracy behind the story. He made it known that he wants out of Texas, out of the organization, out of the Houston Texans organization, I should say, not just out of Texas, but out of this team.

And shortly thereafter, there have been, there was a massage therapist said that he assaulted her and then a second and then a third and they filed lawsuits. Well now it's up to 22. Those are pretty good stats though. Those are good numbers. I don't know what the pro football rating is for him for the year is whatever stat. How many completions? Yeah.

I mean, it looks like if he's 22 or 22, that's, that's quite a completion percentage. But there's like, there's all these little like, I only read it on when I was taking a shit the other day and it was a woman. Now is it up to you? It's a long shit. He was reading for now. And just for the record, Yana, I do condone women outing creeps that are assaulting them. Like let's just be clear.

Yeah. Yeah. Not just like, hey, we hooked up and here's the hookup. Yeah. That's different. Yeah. It's totally fine to out a guy that's doing this. But to pull up the story.

Oh God. So. Yeah. Yeah. So now we're, we're at, let's see, six more, like, all right now, yeah, that's from an hour ago facing 12 sexual misconduct lawsuits. But one of the ladies said that he requested that she, or one or two, that he massage her, that she massages anus with oil, right?

Massage your little hole. And 11 women fell, the numbers keep going up. But yesterday was 22. So it's got to be. Who, who, and did they all want to massage his little hole? He, so one of the earlier stories was that a woman was massaging him and he requested like his abdominals. And then he was like, all right, stop fucking around, you know, like get to the good stuff.

And she was like, no. And then the story says that it, then he was like, no, give me oral sex. I was like, that's quite a leap. Yeah. I don't want my balls to suck it. But that's what the story said. And then multiple stories have said, what does it say here? Washington was said to have pressured two women to perform oral sex during the massage

in which, in which we was said to have grabbed one of the women's buttocks and vagina. Yeah. Look for the anus story. They asked that he rubs the lotion on his anus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is so specific.

And I really admire the specificity of the request. Outer or inner? I'm assuming outer. I'm assuming outer. But that's a good question. And I got to say, as somebody has followed this sport for a long time and I know how these guys take care of their bodies, it's not unusual to have like a really dry asshole and need someone to oil it up for you.

I know. It just happens. It gets scaly. So, yeah. It's scaly. I don't know. Game of Thrones. Does your asshole get scaly?

Slowly turning. I would not look for it in the article. I would search for it, you know? Mm-hmm. All right. Like if I were Googling. And I don't. Mm-hmm.

Sure. So, how about Google the guy's name and then lotion on anus? I mean, anybody would do that by this point. Like I would have done it fucking three minutes ago, like when we first brought it up. I think we're all going to need another one of these. I'm going to get hard until I'm ready to come. Here he goes. Demand it.

I like the word demanded. She oils his anus. Myseuse. Okay. Penis. So, let's make this text nice and big. Two female massage therapists have filed sexual assault lawsuits against the quarterback. But now let's say it wants to flew the plaintiff, met her at the hotel, completely exposed,

penis. He's got it. I bet he's got a hog on him. Yeah, definitely. I mean, you look at him, he's in great shape. He told her he gets hot easily. Like, oh, that's a good one. Oh, yeah.

Dicks are hard because that's what happens. He kept aggressively redirecting plaintiff towards his anus. That is such a fucking baller move. Just grabbing the hand slowly and just like, I get like, it's funny too, because like, you can picture like someone going like, like towards your, like, here's the dick, but to be like, no, into my ass hole. The complete. Yeah.

Plaintiff to work on the inner part of his anus. You're right. Boom. Inners, baby. Inners. She ignored the request because it was odd. So she decided to work on, but how do you go like, no, get in my ass hole. Well, hold on though.

I mean, let's, Yana, massage your little hole is, is the inner anus not a muscle, maybe you're right. Maybe he was needed therapy. He got more aggressive. Shelling plaintiffs to go higher and higher towards his penis. She said, no. He's confused because that is not where his glutes are located. I love the explanation.

Wait, but those aren't your glutes. Excuse me, sir. Come on. More. Go here. Eight inches ago, his penis was completely exposed, plaintiff began to, to grow more and more uncomfortable and she stopped the massage and she said she needed to leave. And then what does it say under that?

Anything else? That is so creepy to do. Have you, have you ever gone to massage where, where they tested you to see if you wanted more? I've had that where the massage and like the knuckle like hits your balls. Yeah. And you're like, yeah. I was just asking if you've ever been prepositioned.

Prepositioned? Not like directly. Like do you want that? But more physical. Yeah. The physical gesture. Like, yeah. I had a ball swipe happen once where I was like, whoa.

Whoa. What country was she from? She, it was in Mexico. Oh, okay. It was in Mexico. In Mexico? In Mexico on the beach. Nice.

Yeah, yeah. I think that's a free pass. If you're on the beach. Right. Well, she can't J or D on the beach. I guess she can. That's not an offer. I mean.

It was Mexico. Was it private? It was me. It was Costa Maya. Was it behind like some bamboo wall or something? I thought you said some Spanish word for a second. Was it private? I'm like, I don't know what that is.

So. But she could not J or D. It was just a lucky accident that she could. Maybe it was lucky. Maybe I got long balls. I don't know. Probably have long balls. And did you, did no one said anything after that? No.

She just kept going. But she did it a couple of times. Oh, yeah. So she was testing you, right? Maybe. Yeah. But it was me. I'm going to swallow it.

Yeah. Yeah. It was me and other comics that were on the beach. We were doing the. You guys were all together. We did the impractical Joker's cruise and that was the stop was Costa Maya, Mexico. Are your friends next to you?

Yeah. Are you in clothes in a private thing? No, it was on the beach. And that was accidental. Yeah. She was actually. Multiple times. Yeah.

But still. Otherwise, what are you going to be like? Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, okay. He said, yes. And she starts fucking. And then your friends are like us too.

Right. And everybody's. No. Boys flip over. Yeah. I don't think I can think of anything worse than laying next to my friends and getting like, oh my God. Hey, Bert, how's yours going?

Let me see all that time. Yeah. Is that every strip club? Yes. You're sitting. You're getting lap dances. But if you come, then it's weird. I'm going to come.

Where are you going to come? Yeah. I love hearing your voice when I do this, Bert. Thanks. Okay. You come. Oh, man. You wouldn't jerk off with Bert.

Fuck no. Okay. Yeah. Sure. You guys do everything else. You'll find out on the next year, Mom's House Live. That's our secret video. Yeah.

Yeah. God. I've never had an inappropriate massage. No, like lay. I don't think it's or anything like that. No, because I've, every time I have a guy, I am like, huh, until, uh, well, last time I had a male masseuse, she was a fan. So it was kind of, I know right away.

I'm like, well, this guy's not going to assault me. Like if he's a fan, right? Yeah. He's a fan. He's not going to hurt me. Maybe. Oh God. Depends how deep of a fan you are.

You know what the most disheartening thing was though? When like I was 23, 24, here in LA, a friend of mine and I go to, uh, get a massage. You want to go get a massage? Great. We go in and they give you boxers. Like they give you their box, like, you know, clean boxers. Like a tie place or something? Yeah.

Like Korean or something. And then he's like, okay, I'm in my room. He's in his room. Walk out. And he's like, pretty awesome, huh? And I was like, yeah, it's not bad. He's like, got jerked off. And I was like, what?

He was like, your lady didn't jerk you off. I was like, no. He's like, oh, mine did. And I was like, what are you talking about? And then I was like, I felt so rejected. I was like, didn't even come up. And he's like, yeah, she asked me and I said, yes. And I was like, well, I must have no come vibes or something

because I think it's because everybody's called me officer. Like, you know, like in public, like I worked at a restaurant and like the prostitutes and pimps would, because it was like on a track. What restaurant is this? It was on Sunset. No, they would frequent it because it was a track. So they would, they were street walkers

and they would stop in and buy like lemonade and a snack. And when they would see me, they would go, hello officer. You look like a square. Yeah. So they have the shortcut and, you know, they're like, this guy's a cop. Yeah. So I have cop vibes.

Oh, yeah. I'm not jaying his data. Yeah. They're like, he's sent, he's the vice squad, you know. You don't come to think of it. Nothing fun ever really happened to me. You know what I mean? Like no one offered me cocaine really.

Unless. I got offered coke. Like, you know what I'm saying? I like other masseuses like, this is a coke guy. This is a coke guy. All right. This guy wants a massage and he wants to get high as fuck. Yeah.

Getting a coke massage. I don't know. Would that be fun? I feel like that. I feel like you'd be like, all right, is this over? Do you want to hang out now or? Yeah. Let's talk.

Let's talk. Hey, what's grosser? Your wife flossing with a flosser and then throwing it to the side of her bed, like on her side of the bed. Well, you live in the room though, right? You share a bed. Yeah. We haven't shared a bed in years.

Yeah. She's pregnant at her and then I was like, I'll see you when the baby's done. When it's fully cooked, I shall see you again a month after your vagina's repaired. Of course. Don't come back before then. No. But your wife flosses on her side of the bed and then drops her floss on the floor and then she's like, I'll pick it up when I'm ready, like tomorrow.

The next day. Yeah. Or. Or. You driving her car and you're like, what is that? You have like a little dry book and take it. Sometimes scraggling. No.

You go like that. In her car, in her car, fucking one of these in her car, which is grosser. I might have to say the book. I'm sorry. I might have to say the book because you can, because you can praise Allah. I'm right. I'm sorry because you can clean up the floss way easier than a random microscopic book that you're never going to find.

No. If you're shedding parts of your body, that's just trash. You can pick up the trash. I mean, it's gross, but. It's gross, but a booger is irretrievable and that shit is now in the fabric of my like carpet on my car. He's putting boogers in my car. At least what I'm doing is on my side.

He never walks there. It's on my dirt, my filth. It's on your side. I'm sorry, man. I'm sitting here doing my night flossing and I thought you want to just see this. There it goes. Do you have booger video? No.

What's next? The disdain in your voice. You looked at me like, no, sir. Well, we can do one. It's not that hard. He'll do it all the way. Yeah. It's this.

Oh, and you go like that. There lies. That's lies. This is what I see. Okay. First of all, you're driving. You're me. I'm you.

And then you go. Oh, shit. I got a good one. You go. I've seen you say that. You go. You go. Oh, this is this.

You go. You go. And then you go. Tom, am I wrong? You go. And then you look at it. You don't know for it. You look at it and then you go.

It's so much worse than the floss, dude. What? It's so much worse. I don't even think it's close. Because it's you and you're disgusting. Maybe. I find the frosting to be the most repugnant and repulsive thing.

It's gross, but you at least know exactly where it is. For me, for somebody who has slight OCD in some ways. Yeah. If I don't, if I just don't know where it's at, then you're like, oh, is this a landmine that I'm going to stumble upon? Yeah. It's a property, Jeremiah. It's like, I'm not harming him by doing that.

That's on my side of the bed. And you can clean it up in the morning if you want. And I do. And I do. So next time I get up, I'll pick it up. But the booger, it could be anywhere. It's your car. And I'm sitting in, it's my car.

It's more disrespectful, I think, than anything. Do you do that in your car, too? Of course. He does it everywhere. Yeah. If there's something there. Now, look, if I'm near a tissue, I grab a tissue. I've seldom seen that happen.

I can't recall. Tissues all the time. But if I'm driving and I feel it, yeah, I'll grab it and throw it out. And you pick with your thumb. Wait, you don't pick? You're going to be someone who's going to tell me you don't pick? What? Pick my nose?

Yeah. It's too big, dude. No. You never pick your nose. I love picking my nose. I don't want to. You never pick your nose. I'll start fisting myself if I just start.

You never don't lie, Jeremiah. I just now, no, I'm a nose blower. I'm a nose blower. But what if you feel a bug? You don't get it? I mean, I don't think so. No, I will usually grab a tissue. Right.

Now I'm thinking I have something in my nose. Something's wrong with you. Can you throw my tissue? Yeah. Let's see it. I'll show you. Just use your finger. It's so much more gratifying to really get one.

That's what you do. That's so boring. Yeah, that's no fun. All right. What's your fun habit? Don't you do anything disgusting? You do nothing gross? Didn't I tell you I come in pregnant women?

Yeah, that's tight. That's all the time. Yeah. I like to clean my ears with Q-tips. That feels really good. I do that right after the shower and it feels real good. It's fast. Have you seen, sorry, the funniest video on the internet today?

Oh, no. Up and down, up and down, up and down. Good. Ow! Yes, man. Oh, yeah. No. Good movement there, huh?

She's dead. All right. Miss the ring. Relax that head for me. Oh, my God. Oh, oh. There it is. Oh, my God.

You guys, it's hard enough now. Ow! You just killed her. Wow. Look at her. She can't. She's in so much pain. Hold on to the back.

Wow. My middle of my back too. That all healing takes time. That this is an Amazon Prime, right? That is horrible. I thought he killed her. I thought that was the TikTok. I thought it was ending after the first meeting.

That's why. Well, enter at your own risk. She's the lamp. She's the lamp. How horrible. She's like gumming the words. She's like trying to. Ow.

Ow. Thank you. And then he's like. Good movement there, huh? Good. Nice. You like it? You want some more of this?

To carry you. It's pretty good. Oh, my God. Dude, I thought her head was going to come off. I thought it was just going to keep going after some of it. Well, she looks so brittle. I don't think you should be doing that to her. No.

And it shouldn't hurt. Like when you do an adjustment, I mean, I've never gone ow after the, I don't know. This is labeled. Well, the dog is different. He's severe. The dog, I was like, does it hurt? And he goes, uh. Sometime.

I mean, yeah, it's, you know, I totally understand what she's going through. Because when you, it's a very loud, absurd crack that you're hearing. And you're like, I can't tell if this relieved the pressure or made it worse. Yeah. So it's, it's 100% fear. But you usually leave feeling better, right? I always leave feeling better, but it's a, you know, it's pretty, it's a pretty wild feeling to get cracked that loudly.

It's so fun to try to adjust you. Huh? When I went to adjust you, that was fun. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't followed up on any of those free adjustments that you said you'd do for me at the office, but next time I'm out of whack, I'll let you know. Remember when I pulled the pipe out the metal pipe?

Yeah, I started doing. I met him at his car practice office and I was like, can I help adjust? And the guy was like, okay. Yeah. Then he was like, he called me later. He was like, I don't know if we're allowed to do that. I'm not allowed to do that. He was like, I didn't know you were going to try.

I thought you were going to act like you were going to try. So was he instructing you like it was a joke and you're like, all right, because we had a camera rolling. And then I was like, ah, and he was like, oh, oh, they felt exactly the same way. Yeah. I want to hear the suffering again. Oh my God. Her thing, this is her here.

Ow. You should never say that at the doctor. No. At the chiropractor. Ow. No. Ow. I mean, she obviously was super fucked up though, you know.

Yeah. On what life? She's so old. She's so old, poor girl. Right now. Please don't do that. I like the pain. Give it to me again.

Okay. Look at this. This is, um, I think this comes from Scotland is what it says here. Oh. He just wants her to come out. I want her to come out. I mean, I want her to come down. Oh, you know, when you're drunk and you just want to eat.

You just want that one last. I want her to come out. I want her to come out. I want her to come out. I want her to come out. Oh my God. Oh. Fuck her.

There, there. There. Oh, big chitter. I want her to come out. I want her to come out. I want her to come out. Oh my God. This took a turn.

Fuck you. You're lost. Folks, I wouldn't even come out here. Are you LOLing at home? I only want to watch Scottish drunk videos now. They're the best. They're so much better. They're so great.

Yeah. You leave you. Leave. That was a, that was a real show. I didn't know that was in there. She fell multiple times. Oh my God. You fall so hard that your butt pops out of your jeans.

That's a good, that's a good push. Check this out. So she's not done. You think, you think, you think this is over. She comes back? Yep. Shit. She loves to come out.

Shit. Fuck. You want to know something? I want to see that. She's strong. Dude, play it again. How does it break exactly? It's probably the, it's the combination of her holding on so tight and then pull, you know,

trying to pull her off of it. Yeah, she's hungry. And it just gave. She's hungry. She is hungry. Oh yeah. Oh, it's all the way. Yeah.

She's pulling the handle as hard as she can. I just want a kabob. Just get it to me. It's cheaper than the grass that just broke on the ground. Is that kabob worth that door? No. The kabob is maybe, maybe they lose $5 in profit that night. I would have just thrown one at her face.

Here's a fucking kabob. Just give it to me. Just give it to me. Get out of here, Nessie. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get your kabob. Get out of here.

Did you ever drink? You said you don't drink at all? Yeah, yeah. You never have? No. When you do Montreal, especially like when you're like new faces and in that time. I'll go out afterwards. Oh, you're out till like fucking three.

And you feel like the thing about Montreal is that it feels like you're in Europe. Yes. It feels like you're so much further away and you're out and you're doing shows and you're with your friends and it's like this whole environment and then you, you get fucked up and you, you gotta eat like you just, you're looking for food at two and three. And they've got those wonderful things. And they got everything. Yeah.

They have everything. They have whatever the. Delicious Canadian poutine and all kinds of stuff. I love the poutine. You got great pizza joints. Pizza joints. There's always a McDonald's that we'd get like ice cream at and stuff like that. Oh yeah.

I want to say. I want to say this happened to Joe DeRosa. Where as DeRosa and Canane and somebody, and I think they were like, had been drinking a bunch and then went to McDonald's. And when you're like two, three AM and you get your McDonald's after drinking, it's like, and I think it was DeRosa that had burger fries and drink and he turns to walk by it. I think it was Canane just knocked it all out of his hand.

And he goes, oh. I was like, that is the meanest, worst, but yet funniest thing you could do to your drunk friend. Yeah. When they're like, finally, I got the hot McDonald's would close to clean randomly at like four in the morning. So if you didn't get there at the perfect time and you're done, there's another woman out of sorts here.

You ready for this one? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Leave him. Leave him. Leave him. Leave him be.

Leave him. She's ripping my clothes. Can I say something? This woman can fight. She definitely can. If you got into a scuffle with her, you might leave really fucked up. Yeah. Leave him.

Leave him. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Okay. She's racist. She's racist. Listen. Oh.

You made me. You made me. You made me. You made me. You made me. You made me. You made me. This is a character I want you to start with.

Thomas. Yes. If Christina gets a boob job. Yeah. I know. That's what we're looking at. Free kebabs. That's what we're looking at.

You got to come with that attitude. That's what I'm looking for. I will. I will darling this is a good time to come up. Yeh. I love kebabs, too. Come on, you go there. Come on, come on.

You go there. Come on. I don't lie. Call me Nova. Do you want me to tell you the truth? Do you want to tell me what's trzy renting here. I exist. Be nice here.

Maybe樹 partisans maybe. Oh, no. Okay. Let's get out of this. Okay. I don't belong here, or I'm gonna call you άіp'. For Christian girl, no. Yeah, boy, come on.

She's getting fucked up. Hey. You know, I'm a Christian girl and they are just loadin'. There's our Hanukkah. But we figured out the foul, dude. And fish and chips. I couldn't eat them anymore.

I couldn't eat them anymore. 100% culture. Yeah. I couldn't eat Applebee's buffalo wings for a couple of years. Because I threw them up once through my nose. Oh. And it was horrible. Forget it.

Yeah. And those are good. Applebee's does a good wing. Yeah. They're great. Thank you, thank you. I don't need that. Stop doing that.

Stop making everything. Stop making everything. You're gonna leave me. You're gonna leave me. You're gonna leave me. You're gonna leave me. You're gonna leave me. You're gonna leave me.

I don't need that. You need the kebab. You're gonna peel off, yeah? No. You're sticking off her clothes. You're gonna leave me. I like to be a guy behind the counter. What?

Very bad? Oh, cheaper back glass too? Can you come down? Yeah, let's go, come on. I'll treat you to some meal, come to everything you've got to put it on. Got a cute outfit on. I like your little jumper.

Yeah, I kinda like it there. That's a nice spring outfit. It's a nice band. I knew it, the gap, yeah. Can I tell you something? Yeah. It's so obnoxious to behave this way, and part of me still goes,

just give her some food, man. I know! Just give her some food. If you, I mean, if you're gonna behave like an animal, then start throwing food at it like an animal. Yeah, yeah. Just give her some goddamn,

holy shit. I know. Come back. Get back out! Kick her back out. What is this? What is she saying? What is she saying?

She's reading. How is she alone? I don't want you to come down. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, she wants the tortilla, the non-hose shit. The raita?

Holy shit, man. Forget what that shit's called. Wow. Imagine being her, like, crunchy bread. Two days later. You know, she didn't even remember the next day. Like, two days later,

someone was like, you seen this video of you? Like, what video of me? This video. She sees the beginning of it, and she's like, oh yeah, that place has great kebab. I'm so embarrassed.

I can't believe it. And they're like, oh no, no, no, wait till you damage the place, though. Oh, oh, oh. She wants the tortilla, the non-hose shit. And they're like,

oh no, no, no, wait till you damage the place, though. Now, do you think that she's the kind of person that justifies her actions, like, after she watches the videos? I was fucking hungry. Yeah.

Maybe. I needed me a kebab. Maybe. I needed it in my gullet right away. I mean, and sometimes you have to go to dire conversations to get it for you.

I think if she's drunk, she does that. I think if she's sober, I don't see how anybody sober could be like. She's like, very sorry. Fucking glass, man.

I broke the fucking glass. I didn't mean to break it. It was an accident. She's probably like. What's the accidental? Damn it. Stop doing that. She said,

she didn't mean everything yet. She said, read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me.

Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me.

Read me. Read me. Read me. Use my voice. Read me. Read me. No way. Read me.

Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me.

Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. Read me. So I checked my reach point on that camera. It's like a different way of flipping people off.

Yeah. It is an interesting way of doing it. Pulling your dick out is like doing that. My mom mooned somebody at a comedy show once. At a comedy show? At one of your shows? No. Wait.

Tell me what happened. It was a show back in Kansas City. Back home. And the headliner that night. I wasn't even headlining at the time. The headliner that night. I started getting into it with my mom. What?

She was like kind of chattering, kind of heckling a little bit. Your mother. As you're featuring? As I was featuring. Dude, that is horrible. And I just killed. I just had a great set. I'm feeling great.

And then, you know when you hear something backstage? We were like, no, that's not a familiar voice, is it? He's not talking to my mom, is he? And then they start going back and forth. No. And then he does this thing where he's trying to joke with her, like to try to ease a situation. Yeah. But my mom is kind of besting him and kind of like being funnier.

Nice. He calls me back to the stage and says, handle your mom. Wait, he knows it's your mom? Yes. He calls you. Wait, are you mortified at this point? Dude, it was horrible. I'm telling you right now, I would have physically assaulted my mother if she had done this.

I literally had to, so he called me back on stage. Yeah. And I go, fuck. I grabbed the mic. I just killed, by the way. I felt great about my set. How many people are at the show? I'm back home.

Oh, there's probably 100, 150 people there. I go back out on stage. I grab the mic and I go, hey, mom, you're in the wrong here. Let him do the show. Fuck. And, you know, just calm down and let him do his thing up here. And then I walked off stage. Oh, my God.

It was... You know, you might have the only story like this in the world. Yeah. Yo. I don't know that anybody else would tell the same story. It was insane. And wait, what was it like? Okay.

Then when did she moon him? Right then? Right then. I was looking forth and then, like, I think he called her white trash or something at some point, which, you know, that's very common for white people to call each other that in Kansas. This is not that big of a deal. But then one of the other audience members started calling my mom white trash too and

then they start going at each other and then my mom moons the comic on stage and it's kind of like an FU to the people who are against her and then he called me out on stage and then I'm like, hey, can you chill a little bit? Was she hammered? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. How does it go, like, what's the conversation like with you and your mom either that night

or the next day? Well, that night, she was like, I can't believe you sided with him. The next day, big apologies and stuff like that. Oh, she did. Yeah. She knows. But the night... Are you like, you can never come to a show again?

Well, no, but you know, it's ironic, my new special that's out, I filmed it back home in Kansas City and the premise of the special is that they sat my family up front without telling me. Horrible. So I have my mom and her new husband on one side of the stage and my dad and his new wife on the other side of the stage and my mom ends up heckling me at one point in the special and I bring her up on stage, roast her a little bit and then we share a nice special moment. As mother and son.

But like... Do you like having family up front? No. I would have never in a million years as a comedian asked the club to do that. Why did they do it? I think she asked and whoever, I always tell at least one member of the staff like, hey, these people are coming tonight, they're on my guest list. Make sure that they don't sit anywhere in the waiting front.

It's on Amazon Prime. Oh, we got a fucking plug in there. Yeah, what's it called? It's called Family Reunion. Family Reunion. It's on Amazon Prime. It's on Amazon Prime for rental now for all the mommies out there. It becomes free on April 8th, so you can just wait to watch it for free on Prime on April

8th. Do it. Watch the special. Yeah. Because you're super funny, man. Really, really funny. Yeah, you're so funny. I remember, when you say that, I remember one of the, I mean, talking about it can start

to get my blood pressure up when I did a show one time and my sister was like, I'm coming to the show with like a couple friends and I was like, okay, and this was a packed house. This is already stressing me out. Yeah. This is what it really is. Yeah. And so my whole thing is like, the only thing is, I don't say front row, I say, don't be anywhere near the front.

Eye lines. Yeah. I just want you in the front at all. Right. Okay. And I was like, that's the only thing I'm telling you. And I get on stage, front row. And like, so when I got, and the friend, her friend started heckling, right?

And I was like looking at her and I, I got off and I was like, are you fucking stupid or something? Like, do you not understand what I, what I meant by that? And she was like, well, that's where they wanted to sit. And I go, but I told you, like, if you're coming to my show, I don't want you near anywhere in the front. What part of that do you not understand? It's your work.

I don't understand people. It's your place of business. Dude, I, I had gotten her a room at the hotel I was staying at. I told them to cancel the room. I was like, don't, and also don't talk to me. Don't call me. Don't text me. I don't want to see you.

And I didn't speak to her for six months. Yeah. And I was like, you're a piece of shit for doing that. Yeah. How do you ignore the ones? Like I'm telling you the one thing that I don't want you to do and you do exactly that. It was, it was weird. The, the, the night that happened at the, the, the mooning incident, the headliner later

and I talk about an awkward green room after that show because I have the rest of the weekend with him. Oh my God, dude. He, uh, he comes back and he, he ended up apologizing to me though. And I, I, I'm like, I'm really sorry on behalf of my mom that happened. But I'm like, also though, like, dude, that was probably the worst situation that you could have put me in. Yeah.

Oh yeah. He should have handled it. He's the headliner. As a comic, I'm like, yeah, make a joke of it or something, but like pulling me back on the stage. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, you put me in a rough situation. Exactly. He ended up apologizing.

He's like, I'm sorry man. Like I should, he's like, I should never done that. Yeah. He definitely should not have done that. And it's about like, like who's responsible, you know, accountability for that. It sucks. It's just a bad situation all around. Well, the funny thing is you bring that up and now I remember that what really pissed

me off, really pissed me off about it. Like what made me so upset with her is that my sister goes, like when I was like, when I kept spelling out, I told you this, how do you do it? She eventually, she called me to apologize that they did it. So I was like, no, no, it's on you. Yeah. And she was like, I'm sorry that my friends and hold yourself accountable. Yeah.

Stop saying it's your fault. I talked to you. I was talking to your friend. Yeah. And she was like, I'm sorry. I want to apologize that my friends didn't, I go, that doesn't work because you're not saying you're sorry. You're saying that I'm sorry that someone else did something.

Yeah. I'm like, no, you did it. My friend was a big inconvenience. I'm sorry for that. Sorry about that. It's like, no, no, just own it. Just own it. Got it.

I would have, I would have set her on fire that night if you'd given me a fucking guess. Why do people think it's okay to yell out and like. I think it's drunk. A lot of times it's alcohol. It's alcohol. I think a lot of it's alcohol related. I think also when somebody who, I think this happens a lot at comedy shows, who I've found

because I've had a lot of, I'm very riffy. I work off the crowd. I do a lot of improv on my act. And if somebody feels like they are the funny guy at work, they think that this is their shot to prove to their buddies or whatever that they're as funny as the comic on stage that they went to see. So they'll shout out something dumb, but then they end up most of the time getting eviscerated by the comic because that's what we do every night of the week.

Yeah. But I understand that the average, I get that. My family's heckled me as well. My father, it's crazy, it's crazy. We've all been heckled by our own family. So it was when I started hosting at the Laugh Factory, maybe 2006. So this is my big first gig in LA. I'm seeing the Friday shows.

It's a big gig. It's a big deal to a new comic. And so my dad brings all the Hungarians out to watch me. Yeah. Real savages too. And they're savage. Yeah, they're not normal. It's just slamming the tables, more drink.

And I remember, I forget what the joke was that I told in my set. And I'm the first comic, mind you, on the MC. So I'm setting the tone for the whole thing. And I say a joke and he goes, yeah, right. So he wasn't drunk yet because I'm the first comic of the night, unless he was drunk before he came in. Which is possible. Which is highly likely.

Yeah. But I remember the feeling of absolute betrayal. Yeah. Like this is my moment. And part of it. My dad is heckling. Part of it is that the people, I think what happens is they don't realize that we have dedicated our artistic lives.

This is our job. And we've tried to work at it to the point where you can have a show and people can come to it. For them, they're like, oh, it's like someone, like you just went up there and grabbed a mic and you're fucking around. Like I want to fuck around too. This is fun. Exactly.

It's like it's not having an understanding or respect for like the show. But that only happens in stand-up. It doesn't happen at a play or a musical or any other live performance. I can cry too. Yeah. That's it. Exactly. But they see stand-up and they're like, oh, I'm going to participate.

I'm funny. Yeah. I remember I did that club that you had just done. And one time it was like, you know, whatever, 10 minutes into my set where this guy was talking and I go, hey, man, are you going to do this the whole show? Like everything I say, you're saying, and he goes, this is how I have fun. Oh, my God. And I go, yeah, no one else is having fun.

Yeah. So at that point, like security came over and said something to him and he goes, I see him gesture. He goes, but that's why I come to this. I come to this. He thought that he was playing a big role on it. He's like, this is the fun part is to come to the show and talk to you. And like, that's not how what I signed up for though.

The amount of what you signed up for. The amount of hecklers I've had come up to me after shows who were horrible during the show. Yeah. Who are like, we did some good work tonight. Yeah. No, you were a nightmare. I wanted you to die.

Yeah. Die, die. Don't you think as a parent, like, sorry, I'm still hung up on my dad heckling me. Like if we were to see one of our sons up on stage, isn't it the last thing in the world you would. But you're saying that because you have such an understanding of how it works. You also love your sons. Yeah.

Like I wouldn't go to my dad's office where he works and as he was wearing be like, you suck. No, I would be in the corner just like probably and I probably shed a tear and then if someone heckled my kid, I would pull a fucking glock out of my pants. Yeah. You know. And bludgeon them. Yeah.

To death. Like your mom. I think that hers honestly at the end of the day comes from a supportive place. I know that sounds weird. She doesn't understand. She doesn't understand. She was all, it's one of those things where she would come to my basketball games growing up and she would be yelling out stuff above all the other parents like, that's my baby.

You know, all that stuff. And I think that she like saw that, that would get laughs and a positive response. So she would just start to try to do that at comedy shows too. And did that mortify you when she did it at your games growing up, like screaming louder than the other moms and because I know I kind of was able to laugh it off. I've like always been a very like outgoing person for, and I was like, that's my mom. But it was so embarrassing. No.

I mean, slightly as a teenager, you kind of have to be like, yeah, that's my mom, you know. Yeah. You just want them to not be there at your parents. Like you want them to disappear. For. Just quietly be there. Yeah.

Almost like a quietly be there kind of thing. Like where it's like, when it's done, I'm proud of you once it's done, showing affection in that way kind of thing. Don't embarrass me during the thing. Yeah. I had a, you were talking about the, I'm seeing a laugh factory. One of the early gigs that I had was emceeing the laugh factory and my wife at the time we were dating and I invited, I was inviting a bunch of people on the guest list to show

up. Yeah. And this girl who was a comic came and she said that she was my girlfriend and she told the staff that and. Wait, a comic said that? A comic told this. Just like. Try to get out of drinks, out of the two drink minimum.

She's like, no, I'm Jeremiah's girlfriend. And my wife turns around and hears this because she's hearing this comic just be like, no, no, that's, that's my boyfriend up there. Like so I don't, I don't have to pay for drinks. And then my wife talked to me out of the show, she's like, do you know who this girl is? I was like, yeah, I put her on my guest list. And like, luckily my wife was chill about it, but like this girl made a psycho move to just try to circumvent.

And what did they? Minimum. Did they? No. Did they copper? Yes. And then I was that guy with the crazy girlfriend at the laugh factory is like, I'm not paying for drinks.

I'm his girlfriend. Holy shit. Meanwhile, my wife, she's paying for drinks. I was like, this bitch. Yeah. Yeah. I did my two drink minimum. All right.

Here we go. All right. Here we go. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Bitch, here I go. Bitch, here I go. Here we go. All right, in the world. Good morning my queen. Time to wake up, Christine. Come on. I got your shower running for you.

You want a back rub? Okay. There we go, baby. Okay. Yes. I loved our date last night at the Olive Garden. Yeah, the food was amazing. Come on.

I got your shower running for you. Really struggling to wake up. I'm downstairs cooking breakfast. And maybe after breakfast we'll go sightseeing. Yes. I love you too, my queen. I will see you downstairs. You enjoy your shower.

Come on, baby. Put your feet on the ground and take off running. I'll see you downstairs. I really want him to get a CPAP. There's no way he sleeps with one. And I feel like it would change his life. Somehow the creepiest thing to me was him using the phrase sightseeing. Sightseeing.

You want to go sightseeing? Wait a minute. Who says that? I don't know. He slapped that fucking bed when he was like tired of you going back to sleep. Come on. Let's get the fucking going. Well, who are these lazy bitches he's with?

I mean, I wake up, you see me, shoot out of bed, I get the coffee, I'm already on the phone. I'm Christine. You're the Christine, yeah. You're obviously drugged from the night before. Come on, wake up, wake up. So he wants me to go to work. That propa fall is still running through my veins.

So he wants me to go to work and then we'll go sightseeing after. But the shower's running and breakfast. I mean, he's got a good start to the day. No, I wish you would do that. He's got a good schedule, at least planned. I mean, do you even think I'm a queen above 18 or what? Totally. You're my queen above 18.

Well, make me a hot breakfast. I learned something new today when women have menopause, men do too. Is Nick Nolte on TikTok now? What did he say? I learned something today. Women have menopause, men do too. I learned something today. That's good.

That's good. I like that one. Come on, didn't you like that one? Yeah. He picked a cool username. Do you want to read it? Yeah, what is the username? I can't see it.

Oh, does that have like 70 numbers in it? One of those guys. It was like, follow me. Oh, yeah. I'm a user 168-645-9100-27476, and you're like, all right, I'll be right on the line. Yeah, I'll tag that later. Hi, my name is Kendall Raymond Miller. I have bipolar, cysticofranic with seeing and hearing things.

I have... Cystical franny. Exiety, depression, bipolar one, bipolar two. She said that already. Exiety. She said that already. Anything else you can think of? I got...

She's... I'm not able to cope with any of it. I think I'm... I've been trying... I've been trying not to kill myself for the last couple months. If it weren't for my husband, I would be dead by now. Oh, my... He's the reason I'm living right now.

I just thought you liked this camera. I just don't understand why this is happening to me. What the fuck? Can you please talk to me and let me know how to cope with this, because I'm just about to give up. I go to sleep. I'm fighting to stay asleep. I'm fighting to stay awake.

I'm fighting... It just ends right there? That's so frightening. I got bipolar disease. I got schizophrenia. I got a bone cut. I got a mole that looks like an aureochrome underneath my lip. Those are not going out.

It's horrible stuff. It's horrible. That's her talk. Here's the talk that I pulled. Can I say something? That's what I have to do. Your checking account available balance is $12,617,290.56. Well, what do you think of those slops?

I mean, are those... Yeah. Are those what you're thinking? That's what I'm thinking. Is that what you're thinking? That's what he's thinking. That's what I'm thinking. Here's another one I found.

I mean... I think you'll like that one. I don't think that schizophrenic bipolar to anxiety suicide is funny. I just like that you get really mad at it. Oh, thanks. It's like how I react to the horrible or hilarious. It's my horrible or hilarious. Just kidding.

How about this one? Those are... You know, people keep asking me if I'm a Democrat or a Republican. I'm like, bitch, I'm a fucking retard. That's amazing. Yeah. That was amazing. I want to hang out with that guy.

That guy's pretty good. That guy's pretty cool. That's great. If you want to ask anybody, ask the Indians. Ask how did the pilgrims come? Okay. Did they come with a pretty smile? Did they come with pretty gifts?

How did they take over this world? That's one of hers. I mean, this guy... Yeah. Looks like he lives in the walls of a gas station. Yeah, he does. He does. Thankfully, he has a TikTok account, though, too.

Yeah? Well, I mean, we get these treats. I mean, how did he figure it out? That's pretty amazing. To all the people who think you're tough, fuck you. You're a fucking pussy. Fuck, man. Fuck.

He's thinking... He's thinking you're tough. Guess what? You're a pussy. You're a bitch. I deserve a steak. I deserve a chicken. Bright chicken Wednesday.

But fuck, man. I pay for everything. I deserve it. I'm a man. I take care of everything. To all the people who act tough, fuck. You're a broke-ass pussy, bitch. Fuck.

You know... Real theme to today's talk, Boulder. He wants steak, chicken, and fried chicken. And he deserves them. On a Wednesday. Wednesday. So... I can respect the guy who knows what he likes during different days of the week.

I don't know, there's something spicy about this guy. This is a real spicy talk folder. I mean, is there something like... Well... Pallet cleansers coming up? Well, this is... Listen, I... Do we have any more diabetes sociopath people that are going to kill them?

I need a good pallet cleanser for what I'm watching right now. Something nice like that. I don't know why I'm alive. I don't know why I'm alive. I'm going to take my life any moment, and the video's going to cut off halfway. Did she live? I don't know. What's happening?

She's still around. She's still in the talk. Okay. I mean, this is what's happening in the world, you guys. This is the zeitgeist. I'm just picking up what's on the pulse. Okay. Come.

We found out that they love this activity when we were pulling Leo in a sled. When we put the rope down, Camper came over and put the rope in his mouth and began pulling Leo. Leo will get on and off at will. And as you could see, he loves it. He loves it. He will take a ride in anything. Leo loves getting pulled around like this.

This is like our two kids, right? Our sons. I can't. Listen, I'm more and more in love with dogs. Every TikTok I watch with dogs, dogs are just so, they're all love. Did you speak to a cat person? Never in my fucking life. And don't you ever say that.

Jesus. I'm just kidding. Cats are okay, but dogs are just love. They all, they're just so special. You a dog? Cat? A wiener dog, something. I grew up with different doxins.

I love doxins. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah. Dogs are great. Yeah. Easy tips on how to live off grit. Step one, buy a big ass camper or a small camper.

That way nobody can kick you out because it's your home. You go out and you get property. Roughly an acre of land could go from anywhere from $1,500 to $3,000. Where? And then you only got to pay the yearly tax on that, which is cheapest fuck rather than happen to pay monthly $600 to $1,000 rent. Okay. You say fuck the power company.

Go straight to harbor. Okay. I'm done with this guy. Well, I thought you wanted to know how to live off the grid. Listen, bro. I'm going to go off the grid for real, but I'm going to look super creepy and suspicious with as a white guy with dreads and you're going to know that as soon as you look at me that something is maybe not, I'm not be right.

So just to let you know, I have some great tips to go and like getting solar panels for my acre that cost me $1,000. Where is this? How is that possible? An acre for $1,000. I mean, come on. In Alaska? I mean, where?

I want to know. I can't feel good. I mean, how many people want to get really off the grid? I have family members that are doing this. Yeah. What are you talking about? You have one. But not well.

Not well. Of course. That's the whole point. Nobody normal is like, I'm going to do this. What's going on there, Tom? She's cutting the corn. But first, that's all I heard that I could understand. What is it, Tom?

Is that in Peru? It could be. She said, yeah, she's cutting long corn, but first, and then it cuts off? Yeah. A lot of these, you're really good at finding talks that just end in the middle of something. Hey. Hey. It's a day in the life, you know?

You're welcome. You get a little slice of heaven. And it's because of that girl having everybody fall asleep, turning my videos in. And I haven't been on TikTok. They got me banned from TikTok. Can you believe that, guys? Because that girl going around the town, false lies saying that I am a sex defender. She's a sex defender.

When the videos got edited and stuff like that, and got the voice message changed. I hate your folder today. This looks like it could be one of my family members. Yeah. It really does. In Iowa, for sure. It really does. She might be in Iowa.

She might be. She might be. I'll be at the Des Moines. That's where my family's from. It's Des Moines. Last, no, first week in April, I'm in Des Moines. Tom, come out and see me. I will.

Say, I want children. I do not want no children. Oh my God. My uncle's a big comedy fan. He'll probably come see you. Tom, come out. Wow. First weekend in April.

Yeah. Well, I made a decision. I'm coming back on TikTok. Oh, good God. I don't want no drama, no bullying. Oh my God. Anybody who drama? What kind of drama is she getting?

Say anything negative to me. They're going to get blocked. It's only going to be positive. Let me translate what's happening. Somebody accused her of being a sex defender, as she says on her last talk. She swore off TikTok forever. Then she decided to come back. Only if you guys remain positive.

Just be positive in the comments. Otherwise, I'm out of here. She's out. Yeah. You don't want that. You don't want her to be out of here. No. This is cold.

Have you seen her porno stuff? No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. She's on OnlyFans. I swear to God.

Go to her Twitter. How do you know? Because I've been tagged on Twitter. Because he's her OnlyFans. She's on Twitter naked. I swear to God. What? She's a finder.

Oh, yeah. Coming right up. That's good. It should take a while. Never mind. You think you could find her? Like, based on her name? Zola could find her in two seconds.

Yeah. Give it to the younger guy. Jesus Christ. Okay. Let's see how we can find her. All right. They try to say I'm a pedophile because my girlfriend's youngest. Here's my anus and no you faggots want to tongue this.

Okay. That's it? Yo. Bars, huh? Yeah. Bars. Fitting that shit. What's up?

You find her? No, no, no. We're looking for a username. Okay. So what did you think of that rhyme? That was really cool. Can someone explain to me what's wrong with white pride? Because I'm so proud to be white.

Like, I am a white queen. I am a goddess. Look at these freckles. Look at this complex charm. I'm loving it. I'm not hating anyone else because they're not white. I love your pigment too. But I'm proud of mine.

I'm proud. I'm proud of the white people. And something's wrong with that. But nothing's wrong with being proud if you're black. Then you can be proud of your ancestors. You can say I love black people. You can say black people are the best. You can say I hate white people.

And it's okay. But to have white pride. To display white pride on social media. In today's world, you can't. I think in all worlds. So explain to me what's wrong with white pride. How do you need the explanation? I think she has blood on her t-shirt.

Do you see that? Yeah, definitely. It's probably blood. From not a white person. Probably not. And I like how she snuck in the McDonald's slogan. I'm loving it. Being white.

That's like the top, the whitest thing you could say. Isn't it a little more startling and stunning that this is her speech because she's cute? Like it starts you're like, she's a pretty girl. And then she's like, it's good to be white. And you're like, oh. She has that black girl's confidence from earlier, but in the worst way possible.

I know. It's like she's funneling all the wrong things. I also feel like she seems really young. And I feel like she might be parroting things that she hears around that house. I think she's actually taking her learner's permit test in this TikTok video. Well, you know what's funny?

She's going to be mortified of this video in a few years. In a few years. If she even gets employed. That's always white people's arguments. Why can't I have white pride? Like racist people always say it. Why can't I say the n-word? That's the go-to.

Yeah, you're like, just don't. I can't be proud of my scheme color too. What are you proud of? You're so proud of it. Calm down. Don't worry about it. It's translucent. You can see my veins.

Look at me. I've had cancer six times. I'm so proud. White pride. Yeah, why? Okay. Who cares? Shut the fuck up when cops ask questions.

See, we got a new case today. Somebody didn't shut the fuck up. Cops said, hey, have you smoked cannabis today? And they said, yes, about three hours ago. Guess what? That's going to lead to a fucking DUI. So this is an attorney. He has a TikTok account and he gives you pointers on when you get pulled over how to deal with

the cops. Actually quite useful. And I really like him. I think he's, oh, there she is. The account was suspended. Oh. Why was it suspended? Can't you do whatever you want?

It has triple X. Can you do a Google search? That woman's triple X. Her name? Oh, that's her T-shirts as well. That has nothing to do with sex stuff. She's like, I'm just fat. I'm just fat.

This is my Twitter. Quit fetching. What about that top one? Tater cake 54. Oh my God. That's her. Okay. I'll just change the.

Yeah. Go to media. I'll show you guys this chicks doing PRS. I'm telling you. Yes. I saw it. No freaking way. I saw it.

I bought like 45 videos. I saw it. You've got to be kidding me, dude. No, I swear. It was all. Here's the thing. It's a lot hotter than you think. Really?

Oh yeah. Like what kind of stuff Tom? She was sucking on her own. It's just like that. It's pretty cool stuff. This is what I call, this is what I call the fro-yo machine. Just. Questions.

The script. These 25 words we're talking about. He's definitely. To begin with. Let's talk about. This dude was heavily influenced by a better call Saul. He's like. Oh yeah.

What you do when that cop first comes up to you and no matter what he says. Where you going? Where you coming from? What's that smell? Good advice. How many drinks have you had? You know, this is a high drug traffic area. Why are you sweating?

Why are your eyes red? Why do you seem nervous? Those cops can ask anything that they want and when they first come up on you, you want to say, why did you pull me over? That's the first phrase of the script because under case law, the cops have about seven, eight minutes to give you a traffic ticket unless they find other independent probable cause to further detain you. And they find that when you start yapping.

Now just because they pulled you over doesn't mean it's a traffic stop. Maybe your tires are low or something else is wrong. So why did you pull me over? Starts the clock ticking. That's your tip of the day and shut the fuck up when cops ask questions. That's the best advice. Honestly. You know that if they go, you know that if you had a drink, you don't have to worry about

because you've had a drink and you had it like, you know, at lunch or something and now a few hours went by and they have you been drinking and you go, well, I had a drink at lunch. You're fucked. Right. You just go like. Yeah. You're going to be doing the tests.

The fuck up? Is it you just don't answer the police or what's your answer? Definitely don't. I mean, I think you're not sharing any information that doesn't need to be shared kind of. Correct. Like you want to lie. Am I being detained? I used to go through DUI checkpoints all the time on the way out to the ice house.

They used to always have one set up right out there on like Friday nights and I didn't change my route a couple of times and I went through the same DUI checkpoint and different officers were trying to get me to talk myself into saying that I had lived there longer than six months because my tags were from Kansas still. But somebody had told me, they're like, make sure you say, since you're planning on keeping your Kansas tags for a while, that you just got out here last week. So every time and this cop, he came up and he's like, how long have you been here? I'm like, oh, it's last week.

He's like, oh, really? When did you drive out? And then he started like trying to pressure me into saying like, actually, I've been out here this many so he could give me a ticket. But I'm like, no, this visiting and then yes, just going to a comedy club out here, checking it out. And then I'm driving back to Kansas tomorrow. And then I did that for the first five, six years that I lived here when I got pulled

over by cops. Yeah. Because they see how to say tags are in Kansas. I used to always hear that too with the tags. Like I'd get asked. It's way cheaper for insurance back in the day. Like I used to have like $80 insurance on my car like back in Kansas. It's seven in the morning.

I just wanted you to see how disgusting New Orleans is because I know you have contempt for disgusting. Look how gross that it's seven in the morning. And what is coming out of that is that it's disgusting. It's onion rings. It's fried crab fried crab. That's what it looks like like a soft shell crab in his fucking margarine. Bloody Mary again.

Yes. It looks like one. It does kind of look like one. Yeah. I bet you it's crab meat. Throw up. Isn't that seven in the morning? It's always best to have women unsure where they stand with you.

This is what's up. Okay. Sounds kind of harsh. I'll admit that. I love it. The reality is women are more attracted to guys that they're not sure about. Okay. Women hate uncertainty and yet strangely enough they're attracted to it.

Guys that are a sure thing, the typical nice guys, they lose interest in. We all know darn well once a woman knows that you're into her, she knows that you like her, her interest drops. Or in some cases it disappears altogether. I mean, well, the guys they have to constantly wonder about, wonder if they like them, they're drawn to them. So they want to do those things. That's what the bad boys do.

That's why I say you don't pour your feelings out to girls. They went with your girlfriend. You let them dig it out of you. That's why you take your time to return their texts or phone calls. That way you're not always available to her all the time. And after them chasing after her, calling her all the time, texting her all the time, she has to constantly wonder if you even like her and it's amazing the results. It sounds harsh, but that's just how it is, that's reality.

That's good advice. That's the reality. Keep these bimbos in the dark. You got to make sure they're unsure because if they're too sure that they might not like you, then they're definitely not going to like you because your personality is bad. That's why I like it about Tom. Is that, I don't know when he's coming home. Or if he's ever going to come home.

Is he going to call? Yeah. Is he going to help with the kids? I don't know. I don't know any of it. It's hot. It makes me feel great. Yeah.

Instability just gets the engines going. It gets it going. All right. Dude, thank you so much for coming today. Of course. And the special is available on Amazon Prime. Family reunion. Amazon Prime, family reunion.

And it's, you can rent it or February, or excuse me, April 8th becomes available free on Amazon Prime. Free on Amazon Prime. And I brought a few gifts for you guys. Oh my God. Jeremiah. Yeah. Love gifts.

I love gifts. Do you have presents for me? Presents. Presents? Presents? I got for you and the crew. I have these sacks hats. Oh yeah, dude.

Yeah. They're pretty dope. That's nice. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, Jeremiah. Very nice of you. I've got one for you and a couple of guys in there too.

Oh, thanks, man. And then I got this on vinyl. So if you want. Oh, shit. I was the way to go. Yeah. You look like such a sweet boy. Oh, thank you.

Yeah. I look at that. I'd be like, I bet that guy doesn't come in a pregnant lady. Thank you. But then you find out. For days, dude. This is her. This is her.

That's my beautiful mom. That's your mom. That was the moment that was on stage at the special. That's really cool. It's wonderful. Congratulations, man. Thank you. Thank you.

I love your guys' show. So I really appreciate it. And you guys. Show your camera. Show your camera. This. And then. Yeah.

Mommy. That's a picture. Mommy pulling her pants down and moaning the other. No, that was that was years before this. But thank you, man. Congratulations. It's a big deal to put out an album special. Thank you.

Yeah, I'm excited about it. It's awesome. All right. You guys know what to do. Check it out. Watch it. Listen to it. Ain't Cheatin' by Mr. Mobius.

The music is on a sick date. I'm gonna suck my dick. What the fuck? That's all set. Throw away is a dick suck. That's all set. Throw away is a dick suck. That's all set.

Throw away is a dick suck. It's not fucking a dick. We're stronger than two weeks in Mary. We're stronger than two weeks in Mary. We're stronger than two weeks in Mary. They do what we do. We're stronger than two weeks in Mary. They do what we do.

They do what we do. Oh my god. My fucking feelings hurt right now. That's all set. Throw away is a dick suck. You're gonna suck your dick. Don't do it. It's just you doing what I did.

You only get one point. That's all set. Are you serious? Do it a fucking way. That's all set. So I had to get your dick sucked. That's all set. Are you serious?

Do it a fucking way. That's all set. So I had to get your dick sucked. That's all set. So I have you to speak to fucking shit over here. That dick sucked I said. That is all set. That is all set.

Throw away is a dick suck. That's all set. Throw away is a dick suck. That's all set. Throw away is a dick suck. It's not fucking a dick. That's all set. Throw away is a dick suck.

That's all set. Throw away is a dick suck. That's all set. Throw away is a dick suck. It's not fucking a bitch. It's not fucking it. And laying beside her and all that. That's all bustin' it.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.