Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 604 - Shuli Egar - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 19, 2021

Tom Segura is back on tour! Pre-sale for the I'm Coming Everywhere Tour begins TODAY at 10am local. Go to https://tomsegura.com/tour and use code BALLHOG to nab those pre-sale tickets before they all sell out! SPONSORS: - Go to https://ShadyRays.com and use code HOUSE for 50% off 2 or more pairs of sunglasses - Get 20% off and free shipping at https://Manscaped.com/MOM - Go to https://squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Visit https://getsunday.com/YMH to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout! - Go to https://babbel.com and use promo code MOM for an extra 3 months free. -Don't miss this year's Memorial Day Sale going on right now at https://Saatva.com! YOU BET I'M COMING UP IN MAY!! Tom Segura and Christina P watch videos of a lady eating a worm, Fedsmoker calling the FBI, a guy driving into a lake, and more. They discuss eating boogers, acai bowls, the people Christina's parents dates, and Nadav's sneaky behavior. Shuli Egar is a comedian, radio personality, and host of "The Shuli Show" podcast. He joins Jean and Jean to talk about starting on The Howard Stern Show and why he left the show, staying with Wack Packer Beetlejuice, and growing up with Israeli parents. Of course, he also watches Christina's TikTok curations for this week.

Hey guys, I'm finally going back on tour. I'm announcing the I'm coming everywhere world tour This is the first leg of the tour There are many many many more cities to come but for the first leg if the pre-sale starts today Wednesday if you're watching the show as it comes out go to Tom Segura comm slash tour The pre-sale starts at 10 a.m. Local time and the code word is ball hog all one word BALL HOG if you wait till Friday That's the general on sale you may not get the tickets you want the pre-sale starts now go to Tom Segura comm get your tickets Use the code ball hog. I remembered my dad driving me to junior high

The segment that was playing Was a guy who was a guest who bought who brought in three different types of dog shit and He claimed he could guess what breed dog the dog shows from and if he got it wrong He would eat the shit on the air brilliant and my dad's listening to this It just looks like he goes what a wonderful program I Didn't breathe listening weakly download it for fuck's sake This is the easiest thing to beat Tom Segura keep your pants high and white down with disinfected bath whites

That's right to love you discuss pull making right in the house put the same shit You got on it said fuck you and the friendly they laugh until you get up and man try to talk shit Mom's in the fucking stands don't give a story or retort retort it big words It's worth the list. It's a dick judge this story. No, we pull they tried to disrespected my house remote control She's good. Nice to burn them though. How's your mom's it's gets a girl to show how's your mom's Now pull up a seat how's your mom's in there? This is big

Podcast The great Joe double that was awesome. He actually made the first that's his second track He sent us he did welcome to your mom's house. Remember that? Yep. Very very I do actually That's I mean he made it like I don't know close to a decade ago or something. Isn't that wild? That's how long we've been do you realize? What other podcasts just talk about J&D's and Burping and farting and shitting for as long as we have but managed to find new layers new places to go with all these topics It's like you just when you think you can't discuss shitting anymore. You can't yeah and coming so rad It's really really cool. Oh, I can feel it. Yeah

Yeah, oh, this is gonna be good. Yeah, no, it's pretty remarkable to be able to be this Dumb for this long. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty cool Yeah, it's true. I really enjoy it though. It's fun. I enjoy the stupid shit in life more than anything else Yeah, I really do. I mean, it's what makes me laugh. Yeah stupid shit dumb shit If you want proof just watch fucking 600 episodes of this Oh Yeah, so we got a we got a big show planned for today. We have a special guest coming in and jeans I know you're very excited. I'm very definitely very excited. Man. It's your it's your wheelhouse

It might like to say who it is. Oh, of course. I mean shooley agar. Hello. Yeah. Yeah of the former formerly of the Howard Stern show 100% culture Shooley show that's right. Nadal you give a lot in common you guys talk about Jewish stuff. Oh We both talk about Jewish stuff You can talk about you. I think you're saying you can't like this could you could really connect with this person Oh, does he view jays the same way I do? Mmm, I don't I don't think so. I don't know many many jays that view jays the way you do That's a pretty accurate statement. Yeah, I don't know anybody

I certainly haven't encountered somebody like you before not one Like you I think you're with the open disdain. No, not really. Yeah, actually I haven't met any non-Jewish people that hate Jewish people Yeah, yeah, yeah, just family, huh? You want to bring that up with your shrink, you know, I mean he thinks it's funny too. He does. Yeah, that's good He says the same thing that you guys just said. He's like, I've never heard anyone talk about jays the way you do. That's true. Yeah Congrats, that's good. But in addition to being Jewish, Shooley is also a very funny stand-up comic Yeah, and I'm just excited to have it for a long time. Yeah

He's great. Struck out on his own now. He's no longer with Howard Stern And we're gonna see what he's been up to this thing and stuff also sure go ahead Another reminder those of you who have not yet go to YMH studios.com slash rentals to watch the big Cinco de Mayo show that we did from the West Palm Beach improv a lot of fun with a live audience First time doing that in a long time. We used to do Podcasts in front of an audience from time to time but not quite like this and certainly not with the full production So check it out try it out watch it J or D have some fun It was a lot of fun YMH studios comm slash rentals sure some people probably will masturbate to it

Do you think so? I think so there was a special content We we shot special things for it and you know, we had a lot of fun a lot of laughs and top it all off We also had a great guest on stage with us. So it's a fun show very unique show We never especially after a year of being locked up indoors. It was great to get a room full of mommies together It really was very special. You want to do a proper show open? Yeah, let's do it. Here we go Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura Welcome to your mom's house Playing this way

This was pretty fucking gross who's my new hero and how did I How did I miss this chick on the top? That's what I'm saying. How did I miss this? She's not even the talk folder She's in the opening folder. I mean she really is talented and there's so many questions. I have She's so much going on. There's a lot going on. I mean, she's out for a morning walk If you're listening she sees a worm on the ground. She goes. Oh my god the first worm of the day and then she lays on the wet pavement and Sucks a worm into her mouth from the street. Yeah, and then she's like, oh Can I see it again? Sure? Why not? Hold on one

This is fascinating. This is definitely I've never seen before First of all, she's done that before yeah, that's not your first time doing that She's been doing this for years to impress her friends Yeah, that's yeah, maybe since maybe since she was a kid or something. She's like, I'm the worm girl She's got that fire marshal bill laugh. Yeah Yeah, it's definitely a Yeah, it's it's rare that you see a woman doing cool stuff though. Yeah, it's rare Yeah, well, yeah, there's the reason it's the cool guy club. Yeah

But we're inclusive here at Wyoming. Oh, yeah This is fucking great. I get what you're saying. She should get it too. She should get it Yeah, she gets it. That's super cool Uh, any you didn't like that? Yeah, what's the fuck? What? Oh, did you see my face staring at? No, I just That was uh, no, I don't do the stuff in in the mouth. The stuff in the mouth is always what kills me, man Really? That's the worst. It's just like the girl with the Sling shot coming in the throat. That's just

Texture man. Why are you gonna do that? Yeah, she thinks she's sexy is the thing like, you know, I'm saying people like that Not this one, right? Not that she's doing it to be sexy. I'm just saying people like that Everybody thinks they're sexy at a time of the day, right? You got like a point where you're like, I'm sexy right now Yeah, she can't be she can't be but she thinks it and it hurts me inside. I don't know what it is I can't explain this is coming from a deep place It is it hurts if you swallow worms. I don't want to know. I don't want to know you. I don't want to know Wow, he really has strong feelings on this topic. Yeah, well, I get it because it's ingested So you're like, I can't I'm done like I the one of the only things that'll make my eyes water

And I mean immediately Is if somebody even talks about eating bugs Yeah, I think it's so gnarly your best friend does I know He taught and I'm like my eyes. I'm like I start dry heaving I can't I just can't I don't know. Well, you know, I flick them. I don't fucking eat them So even like just touch like just touching them gross you out No, no eating them like when somebody eats them or says they eat like if somebody even says they eat their bugs. I'm like Like I can't handle it

Huh. Yeah, I remember seeing it as a kid. I remember seeing it as a kid Dude, mrs. Absar ski. I was uh, damn that was right there Yeah, I was in the back of like our station wagon And we're at a stop light And she pulls up behind us and we wave Because like we know who she is And she doesn't see us because of the reflective Wind, you know the tinted the tint on the wind on the rear windshield

And we're at the stop light and she starts picking her nose and eating them. No, I was like No, uh your teacher. No, there's a friend's mother Like a classmate's mother adult. Let's talk. Let's go through this But let's go through this. She was I mean, she was like feasting like and I was like I was ready to throw up and Thanks for sharing But like what what is in that for an adult like I'm about to throw up Yeah, go ahead because I would pick and eat as a kid

Because I didn't know any better and then there's an age where you're like, I'm oh, this is gross. I should stop doing this So like what what why does an adult not stop like what would stop you? I can't I don't even want to Begin this conversation I just shared and I'm ready to move on okay Shared time's over Because I remember the appeal when I did you hear the part what I said like I enjoyed I think it was like I didn't know what to do with them And they were salty

You like that They were salty and then scraggly some of them are crunchier than others or stickier And then you're just like this is gross like it started no effect. Do you want me to puke on you? That's my topic that I can't yeah talk about like if this were a puke video I would be like lose my number too like if some one of you guys was into puking Yeah So don't do it. Don't you already puke Like but listen hear me out. What are you fucking what I just said I don't want to fuck

But hear me out. Why would I hear you out if I said I don't what if just listen to me What if I just Reignited my passion for booger eating and you caught me. I'm not even I'm not joking you I would leave you I might like I might Like best case scenario I move into a different actually you move into a different And I let you stay in the house. Okay, but what if I what if I promise to not eat them in front of you It's just my secret. Well, I mean obviously you can't know Someone's full fucking secrets

But like You know if you're informing me of it. I'm like just you know, don't talk to me Definitely don't try to kiss me or something you're fucking disgusting. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely not No, trying to think of a habit. I would divorce you over Definitely like definitely if you were into vomiting like you were into it And you liked it and you looked at like I think we're cool on that fucking other level Man, I don't have your vomit repulsion, but vomiting still affects me the way most people get affected by vomit Which is like I'd like to get away from this

You know, I don't see vomit like that's cool. Well, Jeff the vomit guy Is a guy who's into it and we could talk about that with shully when he gets here. Okay, cool Are we done with what with everything you're doing? But I'm trying to think of other things that would make me divorce you and there's not many no Drinking gasoline remember that show my strange addiction. Yeah, and that girl was like I just drink I take a sip every day Like she drank she drank. Uh, what is it called ethanol or something? Gas. No, that's what I'm trying to tell you It's not gas. It's ethanol. Yeah. Yeah. So it has a different chemical composition Where you could actually ingest it. I mean, you're not you're not supposed to but you know

Right. Is that am I saying it right? Because there's alcohol in it, right? That's why that's why people drink it just like some people drink mouthwash That's when you know, you're really fucking addicted Mouthwash, that's if you're like, all right, I won't drink and you're like, it's a mouthwash for me Oh, yeah, I'll polish remover. Oh my god, that's wild Yeah, if you were drinking that full full bottle of scope I may have to leave you if you were doing that Yeah, I would understand that if you're that addicted to anything I'd be like, that's proud. That's not a good relationship to be in

What if okay, what if What if I had a note just an OCD where every time I came into a room I had to clap 10 times Like I would just come in in the kitchen and I'd be like I think I'd be able to tell her like tune it out after a while Like I'd be so used to it because you do it every time you walk in the room They'd just be like hearing shoes tap on the floor and you know I'm not a fan of it, but I think I'd be able to adapt It's so annoying

It's super annoying, but you you you know would be the worst is like two o'clock in the morning when you go to pee and you come back and you're like I'd be like, come on. I'm fucking sleeping You're like, I know but I just walked in the room. I had to pee See those that's what you have to think about and the embarrassing things like when we go to a restaurant together And then I walk in and I have to be like You know everybody would be like Why why is she doing that right and then you have to be like Oh, I would just I'd look at my phone

I don't see it Or explaining it to your parents like we go to visit your family and you're like Every time she comes into the room I mean and it's literally every time I cross into a new doorway any any room in the house horrible one That's so horrible And you know the worst part is the kids kids mimic adult behaviors because they would all start going So I have three fucking clappers every time I'd be like No, I'd move out. I'd move out after a while. Yeah, that would break you. I think so

Damn, yeah that and you eating your bugs would do it. That's gross to anybody. I wouldn't want to kiss you either if you're eating your That is so do that. No, I haven't done it since I was a kid. I have no no appetite for it. I'm feeling sick I'm feeling sick you never tried one as a kid. No, you never just tried it for Flaves Not even to sample it like Had is something that you go like you snort and you It's not the same flavor. Oh god, you know how you don't like puke Jesus Can I tell you an annoying habit my mom's one of my mom's boyfriend's had that like if you did this I would

Fucking I couldn't marry you every time we finished eating he take out a can of coke Open up the coke go Well, we just lost about half our listeners so God you're really on one today Done are you done when that'd be the grossest thing. Yeah, that was terrible even the example was terrible. No, that was the point That's what I saw as a 12 year old and I tell my mom say something I did so it's they were gonna get married and to my mom I go you fucking you lay that guy. That's that's the exact phrase. I said hell. Well, I was 12

I go you lay that guy and I'll never forget because I'd never said that sentence before I don't know where I'd even heard that that's pretty advanced, but it was pretty great, right? And I was like you lay that guy mom and then she dumped him immediately because she was gonna marry him and she was like Oh, shit. Like my kid even thinks this guy's whack. I think he's whacked too, but I'm too afraid to don't say his name But like what did he do? For a living he was a chiropractor a chiropractor. Yeah, and uh he jogged a lot and these like Super gay like dolphin shorts back in the day like they were not in style anymore

And he was still rocking them and he he would jog in balboa park Which like foreigners don't like we don't jog dude like eastern blockers. It was a fucking eastern guy Yeah, yeah, that's the problem is that he was a white guy Yeah, you know what i'm saying like dude foreigners don't fucking jog in balboa park And we don't swish Our mouths out with fucking coke at the end of him. Yeah, like he just didn't know me better. Yeah I was like, ugh that's gotta be weird uh

Like one thing that you've experienced that I definitely have not Is seeing your parents date other people And I have to say like you know, I mean like because I'm so I have that thing where I just know my parents is together Thank god, but you got to like meet They're you know, yeah Everybody that busted nuts in my mom and every woman that my dad busted nuts in Every abortion paid for it was like Every fucking girl who wanted to marry him and he was like, yeah, right

Yeah, every woman that cleaned our house thinking that that would be the key to his heart Never never was like those bitches don't know So wait, did he ever like any of them? Yeah, how could he how would what would make him like one? As opposed to being like, yeah, right. Okay. Good-looking. Yeah, skinny. Yeah, he's cooking cleaning up Then he would like not giving me hard time. Yeah Let's me go do my thing. I have good time. My party. I come back. She's not talking too much That's another thing woman woman talk too much you have to

Teach a woman not not talking so much. I mean that that seems pretty spot-on Like what he likes is like the perfect woman. You mean like You mean she's hot and she doesn't wear him down and she fucking cooks and stuff. That sounds awesome Yeah, I guess so he doesn't seem that unreasonable when you put it like that It's a good point. My parents knew everything So wait, what did he when was he like, yeah, right? If the girl was like challenging him and stuff First of all, American women did not last very long in the arsenal. No, no unless she was really docile American woman works too much. So she's not home cooking cleaning. She's not taking care of me. You know

She's too busy And they talk back and then they want to assert their rights and stuff and he's not he's not he's not No You gotta be Servitude but I bet they would like do that see that he was turned off and then be like, oh, how can I save this right? Yeah, but by then it's too late because the resentment he would get so annoyed at their independence Like what are you doing? That's so fucking funny Because they were probably like is something wrong with me. He's like, yeah, you keep fucking thinking and talking

Dude, I remember one time my dad was dating a psychologist. Whoa Yeah And that's fucking oil and vinegar, huh? Yeah, and I remember as a kid Really liking her because she was one of the more normal Women that got in the arsenal got in the rotation And when you're a kid and you you someone's normal you are immediately like, oh, oh my god. Thank god. You're here And of course, she did not last long at all because she figured out the dad, you know had his own things going on

She didn't last but I liked her very much. Yeah, she would actually ask me questions about myself But yeah was like talk talk to me like a normal human being Yeah, that's cool, but that did not yeah No, it's just working too much. She's too, you know, yeah So many ideas so many problems. Oh and problems. Yeah, you can't have problems. Hey your problems being a dick, so Yeah, my dad was like this is women have too many problems. Fuck giving me problem. I don't want to hear problem Yeah, let's party. Let's dance. Let's party. Yeah, life is party party dancing party. Yeah, I think he's got it right Speaking of foreigners, um, the shawls of sunset has a new season out. Wow. What what what?

But I don't want to watch it because they all have the well two of them have children now Gonesa and mercedes these javid They have babies you don't want to watch that. I'm not sure I can because they still party and stuff Uh, but maybe they party less now, right? I hope so. I don't know But I was like, I don't want to see them partying anymore I bet you they're not they're gonna show them at this stage of their life. It's gonna be different. I hope so. Yeah I hope so it's gonna be different. Yeah um Could be something like this

Over my nose in my mouth No, it's not there is no adequacy in a face mask. There is absolutely none I don't see it anywhere in the cdc guidelines and I don't see it anywhere on any of your it says a face mask is required There you go. She's thinking like a lawyer But it doesn't cover her mouth It does cover her mouth It does cover her mouth. It's over my mouth Okay, that's that's her reasoning. Oh, it's a mesh covering. Yeah. Yeah, it's really hard to see

Wow She's a lawyer She got that loophole thinking man. It's smart. She's a lawyer, but she's definitely She's definitely there to fuck with people that are trying to just shop, you know Yeah These guys, you know, they were fucking with me in that last episode. Oh my god Ha ha ha ha When they uh, yeah purposely cut out the end of that video, can you believe it?

They did that and then I did a little research. Yeah found out that they didn't They just they didn't have the right clip. Oh So did you apologize? Well, I don't really feel like that's appropriate, but I feel like saying um You know next time I would find the full clip First so we don't have to look for it on the show and if I uh If I was out of line or if I accused you of something that I shouldn't have You know

Sorry Yeah, that's all right, Tom. I it was coming from a good place. Yeah, just trying to make the show better, you know Wow, I'm so proud of you guys. That was awesome Sorry Nadov Sorry Zolo That's very big of you. We're we're we're all proud of you over here in the booth. Thanks any you did nothing wrong No, and he's perfect

So we're all good now. Mm-hmm. Okay As long as everything's good on that side 100% good great Sorry, sorry about that Is that good? Yeah, I'm I'm happy if you're happy. I'm happy. I'm always on your side. Yeah team tom Whatever. I'm always on your side gene. Yeah, I said, you know, I was like, why would they fuck with me? You know, yeah fucking dummies turns out they didn't Yeah, they didn't they didn't but yeah, if it turns out this is a double fucking trick and you are fucking with me Then fuck you man

See, but it's like why would we? No, we're cool. We're good. But why would we want to fuck with you? I don't know. Why would we set you up to fail on the show? That's a good question actually. I don't know, but I feel like you're doing it right now So if you're fucking with me, I'm just kidding. Uh, you think you're better than me. You think you're fucking better than me, man Yeah, yeah, that's such a true people don't really do things to you Do they like last week when I accused you of Clipping your bald hairs on my makeup counter like you didn't do that to me. That's right. You just did that

I just did it and it looked like I clipped my bald hair Yeah on your counter when I did and I used to use the hairdryer to get my head and beard trimmings everywhere. Yeah Yeah Yeah, and I took but I took it personally. Yeah, but I didn't try to do it to you But that wasn't a personal. I literally just went to where the hairdryer was plugged in Yeah Interesting that life, huh how it goes Well, I'm being kind of serious. Uh, yeah

Because like you think so much so many things happen to you and it's like the other one that really it takes you a long time If I wish you know, we joke about what could you tell like 17 year old self? Oh my gosh one thing Honestly, if I could tell myself one thing Like go back you you're only allowed to tell yourself one thing I would sit myself down and be like No one is thinking or talking about you. That's such a good one like Just you know, I mean like all your insecurities Such you know, I mean when you're in high school and going oh my god

And you think like that person think like everyone's thinking about their own shit No one's thinking about your shit. No one is talking to you praise a lot. No one's talking about you No one cares it's because yeah, it's it's a waste of their time and it's over in fucking five seconds like praise a lot That is the biggest Right there That is the biggest blessing in the skies. Yeah when you learn That no one gives a figfark newton About you. Yeah, there they're just in their own heads and not only that and let's take it further. Yep

90 percent of the time They're just projecting their own shit onto what you're saying and doing very seldom Even in relationships like this. Yeah, are we not projecting and putting our own View on what that other person is saying or doing everyone's doing it in every time every minute of every fucking day No one's was doing except for the fact that these guys are fucking with me with these clips That was different. Yeah, that was different. But that was different other than that now. I'm back on the earlier opinion Which is I think they fucked with me. Yeah, they did. Yeah fucking assholes. All right, so Karen

Um This I just I don't know. I saw this and I felt like it's definitely worth sharing because I don't know what has happened Time to do some sketchy shit. Do da do da hope if I get away with it Oh Hell yeah, that's convenient Yeah We fucking signed her a little too fucking hard, but He just

I don't know why drove into like a body of water. Yeah laughing and making a video. Is this fed smoker? I feel like this is very it is not But dude, I don't even know you called his name. This is america, right? And you summoned him. So no, did I have to this is wild This is america. Fuck face. This motherfucker. I mean every time you think Fed smoker couldn't get any crazier He does shit like harass

The fbi Come on, johnny Yeah, I got uh, john covenall's news press conference signed up over in council bluffs. Is he available right now? No, he's not. Is he gonna be available for a news conference today? No, he's not. When do you think he might be available for one? How long's the while? How long's the while She knows his name. Yeah, mr. Peterson like come on man

Well, I'm gonna be here with this sign for a while like a year or two if I got to when's johnny gonna come talk about You guys is covering up the kidnap and seen over in hall county when I took the chief of police down Tell johnny boy. We gotta talk. Okay You there or did you bail fbi? You probably bailed I mean, I just feel like there's gotta be Like a not too buried deep law about

Yeah harassing Like I feel like they could be like hey, man, you know that there's a penal code about this, right? Like well, why is he harassing the fbi? I think he really thinks he's doing real like it took me a while but he's a ci double agent Isn't his ranking higher than oh I think Aren't you supposed to say fbi when you answer the phone woman? Oh, this is the fbi No, this is the location. Oh, no, you subliminally threatening me. You fucking come. Huh, bitch

Tell johnny boy. That's against the law. You rotten slut Threatening to be a mortician now, huh? Americans gonna love you Americans You're gonna come kill me, bitch. Is that what you're gonna do? You're on record and you're on film You just threaten it. You're the mortician. You're gonna kill me. Is that what you're gonna do? This is for news five in Omaha world herald mortician Where's johnny at? Come mortician americans

That's fine. I'm gonna be in Omaha June 4th Omaha funny bone go ahead and get your tickets christina peon lined up. It's good. This is crazy town Could you imagine being that woman getting that call? Well, at least she has like a sweet spin on it. She's like, oh I'm not the fbi dude. I would be terrified if this fool was saying this crazy shit to me. I'd be like, dude, what? everybody should be This is this is a nightmare this Is a nightmare he is a walking talking nightmare. Absolutely

God, hello. Did you just threaten you or the mortician when I called the fbi ron and pig? You don't tell me you're a fucking mortician slut. You don't kill nobody in america. You got that fbi You ain't no fucking killer. You got it, bitch. You work for the government. You're fucking cunt. You ain't no fucking mortician, bitch You got that He just lost your life He looks really young there and really good looks great. He looks really handsome. I'm being serious Like compared to his later years. Yeah, this is his early work and I I have to say i'm really impressed with how long

He got away with doing this doing this horseshit. Oh, it's a long time I mean, how the fuck is he not in jail or in a mental hospital? Don't know you've just ruined your life I don't know Dude, I mean he just ran the streets like a maniac for a fucking what a decade doing this horseshit Take it easy. Fuck it calling the well the mortician But he thought it was the fbi and walking into Newspapers and harassing editors and or the the card dealership asking them to sponsor his drive I mean across the country your fucking cunt. Yeah

It's scary. It actually scares me how little This guy was wrangled. Well, he knew how to operate in the shadows, you know Yeah, god, let's buy a fucking 10 guns, babe texas Keep this asshole off our fucking property, man. This would be the this is the worst thing that could happen to you Yeah, would be like connells feds connell knocking on your door be the beginning of it would make you crazy It's like one of those movies, you know where the person's like stuck inside Yeah, like the person's like

Walking around the house. Hey, like waving you're like, I gotta fucking get out like he is a walking nightmare. Absolutely. Yeah, and I love him Please send in his videos Yeah, wow What a fucking asshole Captain ass. Can I ask you something? Sure. What in the fuck is an acai bowl? You know and why the fuck are people standing in line for these? I don't know. I've had it a couple times What is it? I don't know I just I've been in

You know, you're feeling it's like slushy, right? Yeah kind of gooey kind of gelatiny What is it? What does it say there? The acai berry is an inch long reddish purple fruit. It comes from the acai palm tree from central and south america I mean, is it any better than like eating a bowl of grapes? Is it like what the fuck? I think they tell I mean this says they're health benefits. I mean like, you know, I don't know

It's like a thing there. You go. I'm being healthy. That's why people order it. Yeah, it has to be loaded with sugar and I don't know if it is What does it say? Let's read What they sell. What is it? Okay. Yeah, it's the what are the health benefits people Eat a savory to address various health conditions, but so far. Oh have no known health benefits, of course Okay, different from similar fruits. See it's another fad. Yeah, it's a fad. I'm like it's trendy It is trendy you go because they but also when you order the bowls, it's it's a mix mat, you know There's other ingredients in there. Usually. What do they put in there? I'm not sure Like I don't know it's kind of like like a frozen yogurt dessert

It feels like like they put peanut butter in there some granola. They mix it up So then there's all okay, so there's all this sugar in there So now you're just it's just a bowl of sugar and they're like it's healthy. No, it's not I just I see people lining up for these and I'm like In the neighborhood. Oh really next to the fedex place. Oh, yeah next next to the coffee place Bro, oh no, no next to the vet, dude And I was I was picking up some drugs for busy And I'm seeing these idiots standing in line for a bowl a purple bowl of bullshit

And I'm like this isn't this has got to be nonsense Nonsense nonsense. Yeah. Yeah, I mean it's not healthy. There's no way I think I tried it once to be like You know, I'll try it like I forget like a Breakfast place and I saw it. I'll try it and it was fine, but I wasn't like I love this Well, I think why I'm so irked by it. Yeah, is that it's presenting itself as a healthy treat Yeah, but there's no way if it's full of other shit. It's just a sugar bowl Well, usually if there's a ton of fruit period you're eating a ton of sugar tons of sugar. Yeah

So don't but then don't market it as like it's not you sound like you sound like Demi Lovato. Yeah Well, I want to cancel. I'm canceling a sigh e bowls We should be out by the way. Hashtag. I'll take it a step further and I'll say let's cancel fruit cancel fruit We're done with fruit and stop presenting yourself as healthy. Yeah, and we just fucking flooding people's glucose. You fucking fruit cunts. Yeah Yeah Yeah Jump off a bridge and make it and if you sell fruit, we're gonna pick it in front of your store. Yeah I guess I'm saying like if you're gonna have a treat have a treat. Yeah, go go get ice cream. You should get breakfast brownies

breakfast start your day with breakfast brownies instead of a sigh e bowl That's what I mean. Like just go full throttle. There you go. Get the treat Uh, do you want to do your dates real quick? You do. I'm terrified. Oh, yeah, I'm in front of you All right, this is my these are my dates Christina P. We'll be appearing in Omaha, Nebraska June 3rd 4th and 5th, right? Yeah, and six looks like you slowed it down a little bit Uh, I can't read. Uh, then she's going to salt lake city june 11th and 12th wise guys on over to san antonio

July 15 16 and 17 lol and then liberty township funny bone july 22nd Through 24th from there. It's on to Columbus, Ohio At the august 12th through the 14th at the funny bone there oklahoma city brick town in september All tickets are available at christina p online And yes, she'll be in indy and denver as well Tommy buns doing some shows in espanol june 25th and 26th in ontario the 27th is in brea Those are the spanish shows tickets on sale tomscura.com. Stay tuned for more shows announced soon

And we're gonna have our guests here. That was really good. Thank you. I appreciate that our guests will be here in a moment We'll be back to talking about farts and dicks after this quick break Oh my jeans. I am so excited for our guest today You know him from the howard stern show He does the shooley show live every tuesday on his patreon And then regularly your podcast drops every friday this shooley show. Hello. It's shooley agar. Come on everybody. Come on now Hello, shalom Shalom shalom me homies. Nice to have one of your own on the couch. Yeah, man. I mean he was born here

So it's kind of a poser, but whatever It's kind of a poser, you know, give him a hard time. I was born in israel or just your parents were from no I was born in israel. Oh jay original jew. Don't forget that shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah represent You know, I gotta tell you man this guy every like, you know, we have like say work done here There's an ac guy coming or you know, uh soundproofing guy. I'll be like how'd it go? He goes he was israeli So I told him to take a hike. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, he's 100 percent right. Let me tell you I One of my jobs before doing stand-up in the stern show

I worked in this souvenir liquor store in downtown fremont street, vegas, right Was owned his own by israeli guys, right? And israelis would come in there occasionally and I had a rule what the people I worked with I said when israelis come into the store I'm not israeli. Do not tell them israeli. I don't want to talk to them. Leave me out of it And he'd say why I said because every time I meet him It's the same two questions. Is this your store? Can I get a discount same two questions, right? So one night I'm I it's it's

12 o'clock And I yell to the security guard who's israeli. I tell him to close the door. I goes go to delet And he shuts the door and I'm stalking film. I'm putting stuff away and I hear this voice behind me in hebru And he's in hebru, he's asking me can I get a role of film and I don't turn around like I don't hear I don't know what he said in hebru saying he was Epshar film, 24 minutes, and I don't I don't turn around and he says against the car Epshar, 24 minutes, film, kodak And I turn around I go, are you talking to me?

And he goes, yes And I said, uh, I don't understand what you're saying. He goes Are you israeli? I didn't know he was in the store when I said shut the door in hebru So I look at him and I go no, I'm from pittsburg And he goes Okay, uh, I hear you say close the door in he and I go my boss is israeli. He taught me that You're quick. Yeah, and he said because that's how bad I didn't want to talk to him, right? Yeah And then finally so he believes me and he starts with his english and his jaw shaking

I need 200 speed film film 76 and I cut him off. I go don't say sleep. I'll go show she missed you Do you want 24 or 36 picture and he starts yelling at me in hebru? He's like you motherfucker It's like you got me speaking english He's like that's good. That's good. Is this your store? Can I get a discount on the film? And I go fuck yourself

Dude, I remember when uh, when we first got in here, we were we were doing soundproof appraisals. Yeah, and uh, so He calls me the dove calls me. He's like You know the guy pulls up. He's just rarely so, you know, I immediately want to tell him to fuck off And I'm like look we need to play soundproof, man So he's like he gave us a quote and it was like I'm just making it up But it was like, you know 11 000 and he goes and he goes that's a pretty good price Then I go hey follow up with that guy. So he calls me. He goes I followed up with him. It's now 16 And I was like what he goes. Yeah, dude. I told you and then I go well call him back. He goes I call him back

It's 18. Oh my god. So then I was like, all right. He goes. I told you man. You can't do it. That's all that's all from him That's right. Listen. I worked in that store for two years. I met people from my homeroom class in high school They didn't ask for a fucking discount They didn't ask for shit. They paid. They said it's great to see you. Take care That's hilarious. Like just because you're from israel and I'm from israel I've always I remember being a kid Flying to see family in israel when we moved here to the states with my mom and my mom's smoker So this was back in the day you could smoke on the flights

And she'd be in the back smoking and I remember all the haseeds get up and they go to the window at sunrise And they all start dovetailing mental patients And and my mom is smoking a cigarette and one of them made the mistake they go Could you not smoke when we are dovetailing and my mom without missing a beat she goes now I will smoke twice as much And she took drags and would bend over the seat and blow it at them And she hates them. That's so fun. I think there's a lot to look how happy he is. It's true But there's also there's a part of this that is about it's not it's not so much about israelis as much as it is about One's own because my mother

Is peruvian right and 100 at the time if you're dealing with any type of you know It could be the same type of thing like working in a store or like, you know Somebody's coming to construction and it's a latin person. She'll be like Yeah, keep your eye and also I don't trust him. Yeah, why because he's latin Oh, yeah, and he's going to he's going to try to take something from us a hundred percent. So I'm like, okay It's like remember the hungarian We met a hungarian tennis coach. Oh, yeah And instantly they were like, oh, you're hungarian. She's hungarian and I said, I I don't want to mean her

I fucking know it dude. Yeah, the personality is going to suck and sure enough Fucking downer like miserable everything is bullshit And it's like, dude, I know I know you fucking suck. That's why we're here in this country. It's better There that's right. Your arms are right. There's a keeper school teacher and a rabbi A few blocks away from us like kind of on our in our area My wife tells me, did you see there's a rabbi and he we should invite them over. I go, don't you dare Don't you bring them in this fucking house? You know what? I had a guy named Abdul come fix my plumbing before I had these So it's not happening

I got I got into it on a flight with with the Israelis Uh orthodox jewish couple. I had a middle seat and they were the seat mates and I tried I was like Hey, you guys look really happy. I go you probably want to talk You know, I'm fine with the window or the aisle and right away. She you know turns on the charm I want the window and he wants the aisle. So I I'm fucking stuck. I I throw the air pods in and we take off And when I wake up like a half hour later The husband is standing in the aisle and his and he's handing me a fucking baby That they didn't have with them when the plane took so I don't know what the fuck's going on. What yeah

Like gypsies they hand you the baby and they take your wallet and here's the kicker I take the things out and he doesn't go. Hey, I'm sorry. He goes No, he goes hand the baby to my wife, right? Like that's a gift. What? And I go no Like that and he says to his wife in Hebrew Not knowing that I speak it. He says ze l'amani sonnetum, which means that's why I hate them Right thinking you're a goyam. Well, that's the most upsetting part is I'm like you can't tell I'm a fucking jew Like what are you?

What are you mistaking me for? Wait, so what do you say back to? Do you say something in Hebrew in Hebrew? I said lechti zayenta ima shulcha batachat What's that? Do you want him to translate you want me to tell you tell me it means go fuck your mother in her asshole That's a fun slide. Well, I have not a good waker upper by the way, you know a couple minutes But he that woke him up. I'm sure oh the baby went back real quick to wherever Wherever that was rented from or whatever happened and They sat like statues the rest of that flight. Nobody had to piss shit

Good. I've never seen the doves as happy in the entire time we've worked together. I am sweating I'm telling you the dove. What do you hate most about your culture? Where do I start? I mean truly just got most of it. It's them wanting a part of whatever you have It's just implied. It's an expectation. Yeah. Yeah the whole handing you a bait like the the the Hasidic's being like could you not smoke near us while we're doing this? It's just like well, they're yeah York they're super aggressive too like when I was working at the office I'd go and get lunch and the guy would be like, you know standing outside on a friday and he'd go uh, you jew like that

And I'm like fuck happen to the ish at the end of this shit And he And he'd go and if you're yelling it out, you know that I am Because you don't have the balls to do that, you know, and I go, uh, yeah, he goes you wearing your tefillin today This fucking little it's a wrap that goes around your arms. Gotta Just like a box. This is just a guy like on the street. Yeah, he's like trying to it's like a recruiter Yeah, I got you like you're gonna go really there's this thing I can wrap on my arm sign me up And uh, and I go no, I'm good and he goes and he grabs my arm

He's like I could put it and I go the fuck off of me, dude. Yeah, I said, I'm you know, I'm going to wendy's get a Baconator. Yeah I love being jewish. I love my culture. I love my history my family's history my my parents met in the army They they fought for the state of israel But you know, I'm proud enough to call us annoying when we're fucking annoying and we are we're just bushy Yeah, yeah, I respect it man. You'll have cable. You have black box I'll give you now 1400 channels, huh? And we can't whisper for shit. No really no whisper a true israel no inside voice

Is that true nandov? Did you find that to be true? Wait, that's true because remember the word the word you taught me yesterday Okay, so I grew up in the san fernando valley. Yeah predominantly israeli neighborhood And I grew up hearing from the pool area was an apartment complex Ladeem Ladeem and I thought that was somebody's name Ladeem and he says no, it's how you call the children. Yeah, that's how you call the kids back inside Yeah, I did not know that Abba's dad right and Abba it would my mom with all three of us

I've told her brother she taught us all the first words to say is Abba And I asked I said why she says because when you wake up in the middle of the night you call him not me Fuck I should have done that That's fucking Jedi level. Yeah, brilliant. Oh my parents are like down low Like some of the best advice. Yeah some of the worst Processed like the like the delivery of it. Yeah Like I would stay up late to watch Carson in my room, right? I was like 11 12 I hear my dad coming so I pretend to be asleep and he would stand by my head

And I just see like his torso. He would just stand there for like 10 seconds. He wouldn't say anything I'd just be sitting there with my eyes crack on this really fucking weird And then he'd tell me in Hebrew. He'd say Which means you can't scare a hooker with a dick You tell me that as I pretended to go to sleep and I would start laughing immediately And that's how he would catch me. But yeah, your dad is quite a character. I love your dad's stories from the storm show Yeah, he's great. He's uh He's old school my dad same with ours. Yeah, I think everybody's got old os dads, right?

Mine's hungarian israeli Yeah, my old school american. Yeah. Yeah, do they your parents still argue in in their native? I don't know. Am I because that's the best. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My dad was married to a hungarian lady. Yeah Yeah, I told my wife. I'm like, I feel bad for you that you just you know, the most you heard your mom call your dad an asshole Like I remember my mom telling my dad in Hebrew to take a popsicle out of the freezer shove it up your ass Eat it and tell me what it tastes like Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, dude It's like all the cursing in other languages is so much better. It's like a short story. Yeah And it's also like I talk about it on stage even that it's like

It's It's it reveals things about cultures. Yes, you know, and so I feel like american cursing reveals That our culture is like powerful but complacent. Right. It's not that creative, right? You know read but you go abroad and you hear things like that and you're like, what in the fuck? And then you then you learn that like oh, yeah, and a lot of people talk like it's not just like one person Saying that shit. It's really common. Like when you travel you hear it's so much better. All the cursing is better I remember a hungarian friend of mine told me once a phrase go crawl back up your mother's vagina in Oof ozanyan's fuck ozanyan's picabla. Yeah, I mean that's classy

But even like your signature hungarian a cool voice on both of our east and bus is god fucking your horn mother and her ass Yeah, I mean when god fucking your horn mom. I love that. Yeah, that's true americans The the worst thing you can say in the english language is like mother fucker. That's yeah, and that's not even it's a punch It's like a jab mother fucker, but it's not as colorful. Yeah, you know, it's not Poetry that's like music your mother's pussy and this and that my mom called my dad a retarded goat fucker from the north once in hebru Which always stuck with me because i'm always like why do you have to? Specify the north yeah, right and because you know there's got to be a detail in there Because i'm thinking you know, maybe there's good fuckers in the south, but they're cool people

Yeah, you're all right those northerners, man, so she's trying to differentiate. You know draw a lie. Hey, you're not like You're those scummy northerners. I love it Uh, so where are your folks now? Are they in new york? They're in vegas Yeah, they they live in vegas, uh, they you know once a week. I get the call to kill all buzzes Or happiness. Oh, yeah, that's what parents do drag it down as soon as yeah, i'm like hello. She's like, oh, you remember We are still alive. Oh god opening line Worst time it's i'm glad that other people because sometimes you feel like it's just you because my mother i call her And she'll be like oh

Right, what why are you like you just came back from iraq? Yeah Like i'm a god for three years. What did i do to deserve the call? Which has the exact opposite effect of its desired intent. Yeah, and i'm like, okay, and she's like, why are you calling? She's like, uh, you're not out Making your money and doing your shows. I'm like i'm just calling my mom And then i go, you know, you know, you this is a two-way relationship and you never call me, right? Ever she's like Do you want to talk to your father?

Yeah, they're like my dad is just a A delivery system of bad news like that's he lives to share horrific bad stories We were staying with him two years ago. I do vagus every year Uh brad garret's place and we stay with them and I bring my kids and it's great. I love it. My brothers come out And we're we're having breakfast and we're sitting at the table. My kids are there My dad comes he takes a sip of his coffee and he just goes. Did you see a woman was raped in disney world? Literally what we're opening with So immigrant that is so fucking like yeah, well then again, your dad loves it. My dad

They came out here and we went to like a nice steakhouse And we sat down and at like we're like kind of like getting your bearings Server comes up my dad goes. Oh, did you hear who died my cousin? He said it like cheerfully and we were like, oh, I'm sorry and he's like no, yeah Hadn't talked to her in a while. She's dead. We're like the fuck and then he goes to um Medical malpractice from the hospital. He's like, you know what they did at the hospital? They burned a lady's vagina

And we had to give her $200,000. I'm like, oh hydrochloric acid in her vagina. I'm like, can I get one of those shrimp? Yeah, sure man the fuck Is that just also a function of age where it gets more entertaining to tell bummer stories than to tell positive You think they're like hey, look they look happy. Let's bring it down It is strange, right? It is kind of I don't know. Is it a function of age? I think I think some of it is because your life becomes like your friends start to die But it is weird because we're all going like up. We're like, hey, this thing's happening. This is great

Yeah, my kid did this and they're like, do you know who got raped? I'll give you a great example My dad and I were on a flight together from uh, vegas to la and I never sat with him on a on a flight before And I realized when I sat with him that he's in he's nervous He's scared of flying because he won't shut up. He won't stop talking But here's where that factor's in, right? He could be talking about anything. But what's he sharing with me? airline crash statistics As we're getting ready to take off. Yeah, and he's been in wars. So he's

Loud so like three rows around are getting these fun facts, you know, yeah, and he's 1998 1998 Sioux City, Iowa, you know A plane like the one we are on now Screaming in the hundred and fourteen people have the plane lived after plane died crazy, right? It's on take all you just see people hit the drink button I love it Don't you feel like you can't because you grow up this way too like Like is your wife american? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Did she relate to this shit?

She used when we were dating and I would do impressions of my dad She's like your dad doesn't sound like fucking count chocolate And then she met him. She's like, holy shit. He said he's from romania originally And so he's all like, you know, my friends used to call the house where I was going to school. Yeah, they go I'd pick I go, hello They go, uh, mr. Egar is uh, shully there you go. Who is this? Well, this is wesley wesley What the fuck do you want?

My friends would just hang up. Oh my god, like he's just this He's like I took me years to realize what a gem of a sense of humor this man has Yeah, because you're too close to that situation. You don't see it sometimes. That's fucking funny. Yeah, that's legit And then my mom is just this animal. She's just She keeps everybody on everybody's terrified of her till this day You know, she makes fucking snap judgment calls on people in a second. She's like does it terminators? I don't like your friend dan immediately

Then why didn't say goodbye when he left last time? Don't talk to him anymore. Yeah Yeah, you're like, it's one of my best friends. Yeah, I'm like, he saved me one. I don't care Anyone can save anyone So, yeah, that's them. That's where I that's what And like what did they think about today's society? Do they um, what do they think about gender? pronouns They are let me tell you man. They are fucking old on board with it. I'm sure yeah. Yeah, I dated a black girl when I was uh

16 And that's the angriest I've ever seen So they're old school. Yeah, yeah not about it and feelings and such and Well, I thought you said everyone is sad Yeah, okay You know, I I'm thousands of miles away. My kids don't call me. I call them and every day we are closer to the end That's from an actual conversation after me going. How are you? How are you? That's what I got. So sweet. Yeah So good. I'm like, let me talk to uh, captain rape over there. You know, I'm on the phone

We hear from that ray of sunshine. I'm just so glad that it's spread like that other people have this, you know Oh my god, I think of our dinners and our like and then do you think that like we're gonna be like this like a hundred percent It's it's it's inevitable. Yeah, you can fight it all you want, but it comes I don't hear like him now I used to goof on him because he because he's he I would ask him a question in the car you go Let me turn off the air conditioner and I'm like If you can't hear over wind like you're fucking right like And now I'm like people whisper something in this ear which is fucked and I just go say it again

In this one and they're like, what the fuck's wrong with you? Yeah My wife is just I'm like, huh. She's like stop with the huh I'm gonna fucking stab you in the forehead if I hear it one more time You don't like when she says, huh, it's annoying. No when I see when you say I can't hear I I'm deaf in one ear I went shooting with my dad And a friend years and years ago. No ear protection. Really? Oh, yeah No ear protection. They were laughing about it on the way home My ears ringing and the guy on my left is talking to me. I can't it's all hum. It's all hum

And he's going he's going to my dad, you know, he really goes, uh, I think we fucked up his ear My dad's just lying here. He'll be fine You know, he never I broke my toe once I got dad. I broke my toe. He goes, I've never heard of that before So he's just my dad never thought that anything that hurt Probably hurt. Yeah, like every time I was like, I think I hurt my arm. He'd be like, uh, yeah All right, and you just like turn I'd be like, uh, like he's like, go take some Tylenol. I'm like, what? I don't think my dad ever took me to the doctor ever Yeah, I broke my shoulder and drove myself to the hospital. Really? Yeah

And then I came home. I'm like broke my shoulder playing football. He goes, I'll do you do this Like what am I have? Do I have an ulterior motive here? Yeah, my hiding something from you. That's what you'd help me You see, I'm in a sling. This is official What's really going on here, huh? And also like it's a personal failure like you should have known better than inconvenience him with your injury Who breaks a shoulder? Weak people I did I broke it

Yeah, my humorous Gone I have to tell you it's so good to Actually hear you talking this way because on Howard Stern's show I only we get a few snippets of your personality and then we get through a voice usually Hello, it's the treasure Right so then and then you'd go through tan mom you'd catch up on underdog on um high pitch Sure Now let's get to the fucking and let's let's let's make clear to the audience here. I

Understand that you worked on the show and and you you yourself Were a fan first and there are a lot of fans I've never Spent time with as devout a fan of of something then you are with the Howard Stern show You are really really a dedication. Thank you. And when I I got to meet shuli at the comedy store Oh, I mean she came back fucking so happy ear to ear. Well, it's funny because I walk in here And it's like at my shows like I can see the person who's the fan And I could see the person who is reluctantly dragged to the show against their will

And you guys have the same exact look which I love Tom's like, yeah, we'll have him in No, no, no, no, I'm super excited But I'm just saying I it's that's how it is with that show. No, it's cool because literally I mean for the last I don't know how many years, you know, I'm walking up the stairs and I just hear her Giggling and I'm like, what's going on? And then, you know, after all you're like, oh, and then you get in the car And then Stern shows on like she's a really a real fan. Well, I have to say I mean, I'm sure you Maybe you agree like I

Howard is someone I grew up with I started listening to him when I was 14 in my dad's Shop when I my dad had a forklift business and I would work there in the summers And I was so fucking bored and I that's when I got into Howard Stern And he formed a lot of my humor This guy in in my mind is some form of a father figure to me because he reminds me a little bit of my dad He's kind of hard knocks right And it's this whole world that I just related to I like in a world of corny ass radio He was like the one thing that seemed real and cool

He he definitely was it would I remember it took me by surprise the show and how like How I gravitated towards it because of the realness because of this guy yelling at his boss or yelling at his core And I I was a kid. I'd never worked in an office before I didn't know any of that But yet it felt like well it was the first reality show that I ever Yeah watched or listened to right and and so I I I remembered my dad driving me to junior high And I put the show I go you got to listen to this show I go I'm gonna be on the show one day

Really now check this out the segment that was playing Was a guy who was a guest who bought who brought in three different types of dog shit And he claimed he could guess what breed the dog shit What breed dog the dog shows from and if he got it wrong he would eat the shit On the air brilliant and my dad's listening to this my dad. It just looks like he goes. What a wonderful program This is But but yeah, I was drawn to it immediately and I was a fan for over a decade before I ever called in That's wild. Yeah, and and it was funny. Uh, you know, I just

Decided one night they said they were coming to Vegas. I was living in Vegas at the time They said we're coming to Vegas to broadcast from the hard rock. I remember those shows and uh, and and I said I'm gonna call in I'm gonna try to get on and and literally just I dialed the number it rang. I got put on hold I got on before the call ended. He's like, all right, you can come play a hand of blackjack with us at the table And I was working at this souvenir liquor store run by israelis So I brought every penny to my name, which was 300 dollars We get an 11 We're all playing one spot on the table, right? We get an 11 now everybody wants to double down

And I don't have any more money and howard stakes me another 300 dealer bus everybody wins And I go home and I'm like, all right. Uh, this is my job now. Like I'm gonna call these guys every day I'm gonna figure out Something a game Uh, an impression Whatever I can come up with I'm gonna call in and I just want to play ball with these guys and maybe Someday down the road. I'll get an opportunity to do something with them. You would call every day pretty much. Yeah Yeah, and my ratio was pretty good. Like I would get on a lot

There would be a couple days where I wouldn't but I would get on a lot and my calls would last a long time Like I'd be on for like 10 15 minutes. Like how do you go from that? To like the actual getting hired So so he he announces that he's going to serious at some point and I'm in vegas And and in my head I'm going okay, and he says I'm gonna let Regular listener, you know regular callers whack packers. I'm gonna give them shows I'm gonna give them a chance to do stuff at serious. So in my head I'm going all right. I got to learn how to do radio

Maybe he's gonna give me a shot. So me and two comedy buddies of mine We went and rented internet airtime on this internet channel and we did a radio show every saturday for two hours I wanted to make sure that I didn't I didn't get in front of a mic and just go, uh, you know, and that's it So we did that for about a month and then this one day I get a phone call from this guy tim sabian who ended up being the program director for Howard And he goes Hey, I want you I want you to uh He says if you were at interview beetle juice and ask him three questions

What would those three questions be on the spot? And so and I don't even remember what I said to him, but I threw out three questions He goes this was a saturday. He says can you be on a flight tomorrow to new york? He goes I can't talk to you about it over the phone But I need you to fly out and I'm thinking it's sal or somebody fucking with me Yeah, so I'm like sal if you're fucking bullshitting me right now. Yeah, I'm gonna fuck you up when I see and he's like I'm not kidding you. He says come out here fly out. I'll explain everything tomorrow So now I I'm doing comedy full-time, which means I'm making no money. Yeah, I moved back in with my folks

I got to go to my dad and I go can you get me a plane ticket to new york for when? for tomorrow Till this day I talked to him three weeks ago. I said you remember when you got me that 940 dollars Remembers it till this day does not let me forget it I I get on the plane ticket with two weeks worth of clothes for a one-week audition. I get on the plane I land Uh, they bring me into this boardroom with all these reporters. This is for this howard 100 news that he had And these are all legit reporters and the one thing they don't know is the show They're not psychotic super fans, right like myself right like you. Yeah

So they literally said you need to teach them who's who and what's what on the show So that was my first day And then day two I kind of shot my wad on day one I was so excited and I realized I kind of taught him everything What am I going to do? How do I stay here more than a week? So I snuck a recorder out and I went out to Times Square and I'd been doing stand-up for years before this so I went out and I talked to people about howard, but I did crowd work Whatever their answer was I made it funny. Yeah, I tried to

And I brought it back to the news director at the time and I played it for her and within 15 seconds She goes this is fantastic. I'm putting this on the air Now howard at this point hadn't even gotten a serious yet. He was still under contract on terrestrial So howard when her news was the only thing on howard's channel. Yeah So to hear that now this is going to get played on the air for me. It was like, okay Now I got to learn all of this shit. I got to learn how to edit audio. I got to learn how to interview people I got to learn how to do because Fuck man, if they would have said we need somebody to shine shoes in the bathroom

I would have stayed for that too. Wow. So it was about staying there and not leaving I didn't want to go back to vegas didn't want to go back to my folks. Yeah And uh a one week audition lasted a month I went back home because I asked him if I could get more clothes And I brought back a ton of clothes And I worked for a full year And now this news team was about 20 people when I started It got down to four

And I was one of the four and I ended up being a reporter for about eight years or a course party I remember what was your sign off? I'm shooley. No, I used to go. Shalom y'all Yeah I remember like for me too like obviously you guys Yeah, but I had a period too first. I heard him Seventh I remember seventh grade getting ready for school in the suburbs of milwaukee. So it was uh, obviously syndicated there But the time where it was the biggest for me Was when I worked the graveyard shift at a production place. So I would work 7 p.m. To 7 a.m

So I would actually listen when I remember on drive time. Yeah Well, I would listen like as the show began But like at fucking four in the morning or whatever because the whole night you're doing like this miserable post-production stuff Wanting to fucking die. Yeah, and I would look also to be two in the morning. I'd be like oh like in two hours I could turn yeah, and this was one. Um, what was that radio station? 97.1 Yeah, because it had it had that was good talk radio all day. Yeah. Yeah, I had um conwin steckler Great show. Yeah. Oh, they were great. Yeah, but stern was

Tom like it is. Don't that I've watched him come out of the form club smashed about 77 times Look out here. Yeah, but it was cool. Um, which way do you have your toilet paper hanging down for down? Fall lines are open. Is she a pig? Yeah, he'd do it. He's like, uh, I would have to dive I would have to dive and I spent about six bucks on her. Yeah, I banged her. What are you talking about 400 pounds? That's go to the fat whore pig line your eyes with Tom Black is with the fat whore pig line. Hello the most ridiculous character ever Yeah, like oh no a dog isn't humping this fucking guy's oh not a chance man Remember to take me out like take me out african bombay style

my What is this Thank you, Jesus remember he had the metallica bed And i'd be like poor metallica. Oh like is there anything less metal? Yeah, this dude There's something look how disgusting he was and he was talking about how his whole thing was how to get babes for no money This guy this guy and he would tell you if she doesn't show up and just blow you don't take her dinner I tell you by the way, this is the type of guy that gives sports cars a bad name Okay

Like you fucking like cars and then you see this fucking asshole in one and you're like maybe i'll just ride a bike Because this guy ruins it. I'd listen if he told me how to get crispy cream for free I know Fucking a man Oh God that bitch. All right, so sorry that bitch. We had to get that. Um, but then Bitch you're on the show for a long time So I do like eight years in the news department then the news department goes away and yeah, that was upsetting

I liked howard 100 news But I I loved it too and I and I you know, I knew I wasn't a reporter So I wasn't gonna uncover any like I wasn't looking to do any of that shit What entertained me what kept me going as a fan was the whack pack And the back office and I was friendly with a lot of the whack pack They they like to come to my comedy shows So it just was a natural fit for me to just kind of be the conduit between those guys and the show And and that still continues to this day except I don't have the connection to the show

But they do not stop contacting. Well, because you have a special relationship with these and and An underdog lady loves you. It's underdog It's wrong with you mr. Shuley So by the way for the whack packers are all of them did Do they all begin as fans like are they all listening? No Some of the best ones are ones that don't want to be in it at all at all Yeah, that don't see themselves in it, you know But yeah, I eventually look

Like I I traveled I toured with Beal juice for like two years part of the killers of comedy tour Nobody wanted a room with them So I ended up jumping on the grenade and rooming with him, which how's that? I mean, I think I got a great book in me. Yeah weekends with beat. I think would be a smash hit What is order his days like? Um, well for him cloudy A little bit, you know, he I'll tell you a fun story. We were we were in I think we're in st. Louis and he just you know, he disappears a lot

Yeah, and we're just kind of like where's beetle where and five minutes before the show starts He just walks into the hotel room that him and I have Which is impressive because he's not good at reading the numbers So a lot of times he's trying to get into the wrong rooms And and he comes in and he's got a like a cbs bag With ice on it in it and and a fish on the ice But not like a fish in packaging from a store like like plucked out of a potty Water a fresh dead fish and he's like and I go where where are you man? He's like, oh, it's all right, man

He's like, uh, I'll be right back. You know any and I go we got to go the fancy. He goes. All right, man He goes just give me a second and I said what what do you need? He goes I shit myself. He looks at it. He goes. I knew I was gonna do it and I did it And then he goes and he changes his underwear and uh, and then it about the next seven minutes I'm trying to convince him not to pack it in a suitcase to bring back to jersey. Oh, yeah And uh, and then oh my god. There's so many things I've asked With him is great if you get to the room first Yeah, I bet if you get there afterwards, there's just how many times did you share a room?

Oh, we shared a room for over a year. Oh my god, dude. Yeah, what well because I felt like everybody's like I'm not staying with him and I'm like, listen, we can't just let this guy alone Like somebody's got to keep an eye on him and you know, I'd worked summer camps before as a molest as a counselor and No, so I had no problem. It was so interesting to watch a movie with him I'm high, right? And then when I'm done getting high, I pass it to him. Yeah, because there's no pass backs And uh, and then the movie would come on and he'd be like, what's this shit? What's this shit? And he's explaining to you what's about to happen and none of it happens. And it's fantastic. That's hilarious We put on the spn classic uh frazier ali. Tell me how he trained both of them

You know, that's fucking gold. That's gold. Yeah, so it's worth the stay. You know now one thing I was fascinated by Was when you followed underdog. Yeah This I you know when you hear something and and you just it stays with you for so long Yeah, I think about this once a week, but tell people like who don't know So susanne mulled out. Well, let sorry you sorry. Sorry you tell it Like just so people understand who is underdog lady susanne mulled out He is a woman who was on the howard stern show many moons ago back when he had his channel nine show She's a woman who goes to a lot of parades dresses as different

Characters her most famous one is underdog. She loves underdog. She she believes in in the underdog motto and way of life And she appears at various parades All the time in these different costumes. Shelly the south shore mermaid is another one Spectrum the ghost king. She likes dracula a lot Vlad Vlad the impaler And uh, yeah, so she but she no longer has a relationship with how she's not a fan of howard hated him due to the past and yeah Being made fun of and stuff or yeah, and and so I felt as a fan of the show

I was going to reach out to her because my dream was to get her back on the show again. I felt like I could do it And um, well, she trusts you. She really loves you See, I've done like I'm like donnie brasco, right? Like I'm in so deep. I'm one of them. Yeah I don't know who I am for it. I'm beating my wife. You know what I mean? It's I'm a mess. Yeah, but wait, shelly So here's what I've been thinking about Explain to people how she eats Arby's Well, so she'll go to an Arby's just fucking blew my mind dude and she likes to stockpile. She doesn't just go for one sandwich

She'll get and she usually has a coupon I believe but she gets about four to five Sometimes six Arby sandwiches. God she will eat one at the establishment And then she takes the rest home and puts them in the freezer to then eat at a later date. Oh, man That's not good. Oh, you guys are gonna be weird about this now. No, I'm just saying that's that's like You know, it's stuck out as I've never heard of somebody getting fast food and then freezing freezing it That's advanced. I mean it's next level one day. We'll all be doing it But it doesn't taste that good. Arby's doesn't taste good Five minutes. I said I interviewed her. I didn't eat her cooking. I just want she to know and I was given that opportunity

Well, that's right. She made a cake once about two weeks before I arrived And then gave me a slice of it as well as a couple other uh correspondence That was with me a producer and a correspondent pretty good. Wow. I don't know. We all met up in that out front I don't know. We didn't know right I go I'm like, oh this is fantastic I pretend to take a bite and then I'm like I see the front door I go I gotta grab something out of the car and I walk out the front door to toss it And here's the funny thing. I turn the corner and I see the other guy with me trying to bury it in dirt And I'm like, dude, there's a dumpster over there. I'm like, that's where I'm headed. He goes

I didn't trust it. He goes. I didn't want to try I'll fucking eat it We don't know what the hell freezing Arby's. I'm not eating your cake. Well, it's like who knows, you know It's like Christmas vacation the cat litter's in it. Yeah. Yeah So I have to ask you because everyone listening that is a fan like so Why why did you leave the show and we know once somebody leaves Howard? It's like you just never hear from them again. Right essentially. So what what happened? Um, you know for me living in New York wife two girls

You know pandemic hit everything changed. We're now locked down in this shoebox that we lived in I'm paying thousands of dollars a month Uh, the the neighborhood around us has fallen apart and I'm like, what the fuck are we doing? So For I have a couple buddies out in Huntsville, Alabama and and one of them's a mortgage guy He's been telling me for the last five six years get some property out here. It's booming in Huntsville It's going to be the next Nashville the next Austin And I never got around to it. So now we're locked down. I said to my wife

Let's go take a look at what Huntsville looks like when you said that by the way. Yeah, did she go like what? Yeah, of course. Yeah, and I said I don't I go I'm with you But look we're sitting in our backyard in Queens and people are throwing fucking bottles at us from a different building I'm like, how about we how about we sit in the car for 14 hours seem safer than sitting in our yard And we drove out there and and it was literally like pulling the handbrake on life From what we came from to where we were Everything completely not just slowed down. It stopped There was no traffic. There was no honking. There were no helicopters

There was there was nature. There were nice good-hearted people that said hello to you that waved to you You know and we really dug it and then we started looking at real estate out there and what we could afford And it was like shit. We've been wasting all this money all these years on this apartment. Look what we could get Yeah And you know a part of me when the show got shut down and we were working from home A lot changed for me as far as like How how I was In the fabric of the show, you know if if we're in the studio and high pitches on the phone and I have info on them

I can go to Gary and go I got something he goes go for it Well now it's you know, everything's double triple check and and and that moment that that organic spontaneous thing is gone and and I just More and more for me There was another thing that was you know working with j thomas in radio Who I loved dearly before he passed away He wanted to have a conversation with me and one of the first things he told me was you got to do your own thing

You got to get out and you're on you got to do your own thing That's what this one was telling me for years and years. Yeah always do your own thing, right jean? Yeah Yeah, I mean one day you should do it. Yeah, but anyways get out of this ball and shame. Yeah But yeah, so all those factors were like once we came out to huntsville. We found a place uh, I went out again to Actually found it virtually like so many people are buying places right now But i'm like I told my wife I got one of us has to go out there and actually see this fucking thing

And I said i'll do it because you know if I die the kids got a shot You know if they got to stick with me They're gonna look like parade floats going to fucking school every day. I'm not gonna be able to do it So I went locked it down. We moved out there And just the peace of mind I got the second we were out there I was like I think it's time to move forward and try my own thing and and then it was just a matter of that's gotta feel good though To be doing you know, I mean like your contributor on the show that you love for a long time

But now you're doing your own thing. It's gotta feel good. It feels good. I left on good terms I had a great talk with him uh after I left he called me wish me the best and uh, you know I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have my family if it wasn't for him I met her out there, you know, all these things happen for a reason when they're supposed to And uh, I feel like that was an awesome learning experience and now is the next chapter, you know Now you're touring you've got the shooley show. Yeah shooley shows on patreon It's everywhere every friday, but it's on patreon live every tuesday night because i'm gonna get insanely ripped That's right. You're also a very prolific pot smoker. Well pot smoker. Uh, I'm uh, I'm a gamer

Oh, I didn't know why not. Yeah, I just want to make sure nobody fucks me when I'm on the road, you know what I mean? So big wrestling guy. Oh good. Love. Oh, perfect. Sure. Your promos were fire, by the way. Thanks, brother fire Thanks, mystic rick for life, man Shit right there, mclaren. Oh, I saw it out there. No, that's another one. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I saw that came four times twice We can go for a ride when we're done here. All right. I'm in thing rips. Yeah, it's so uncomfortable, but You don't think tom like this is by and away, brother Is he still alive? Of course, that's the joke of life. Yeah, that guy's still around. Yeah

He got here. I remember like, you know, I didn't know the ins and outs of the business But I remember there was a thing where he had he got one of those I don't even know what it's called. But look when they pay you to not do rate, you know, I mean like Oh, yeah, like he got paid full salary to non-compete. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He just said let's say that oh, I'm talking to fat pig horse Yeah, you're six million dollars this year. Yeah, fucking crazy But he was look he was entertaining. Oh, it was entertaining. We all know it. We all remember it. The best was that on that's the on 97.1 97.1 97.1 that his show was right

before Conway before Conway and Stechler who were so and Stechler did but Stechler did a Perfect impression. Yes. And then at 97.1 He was complaining to management like you got to knock this guy's mocking me for like the full show because sometimes Stechler would do The entire three or four hour show like get him like it's a whole time. It's such a great voice James adobian does maybe the best tom like he's ever heard I know I have to ask you. Oh, sorry before I forget Who does fucking sara huckabee sanders on the howard stern show when the call in

It's a writer that works there on the show. You wouldn't you wouldn't you wouldn't know her, but she's very funny Whoever She's listening to this that that is the funniest fucking voice. She's hilarious. There's so many talented People work in there and it's great. I'm still in touch with all of them And that that was big for me leaving on good terms with them because I miss them the most sure that that Fraternity it's your team. Yeah, man. So but they're all very supportive. They're listening. They're they're supporting and the fans are supporting Man, yeah, that's the best. That's awesome paying bills. Yeah doing my own thing like it's crazy That's amazing sitting here with you guys. Yeah, it's just gonna go up up up and fucking bananas

A whole new world dude. I'm gonna piss my pants in his mclaren Oh, yeah, I love that mclaren life. Yeah talking about getting laid right my man So much puss in that thing. Would you be interested in hot wifing with your wife? I know you guys have been together for how long? Uh 15 years. Oh, that's it. Yeah. Oh, that's the time to do it. Yeah Yeah, we're just do you have that can you show this to him? Yeah, was that in the tiktoks last time? Okay. Yeah I got it. By the way, you guys are like like I don't watch baseball except when I watch sports center And I have no connection to tiktok except you guys. Oh, that's this one. You're my esp

There you go. She is the official curator. That's what I know. It's what I love So there's actually a difference between cuckolding and hot wifing and I'm here to explain the two Welcome to this unique side of tiktok that you never thought you'd probably stumble on So in a hot wife relationship, you have a woman who has sexual relationships with other men with the husband's full consent The husband enjoys seeing his wife pleasure by other guys because he can't fulfill a certain need for her Out in public. She enjoys attracting men's attention with her husband and around and there's a few ways you can spot her She usually has the sluttiest outfit on at the bar and she's flirting outrageously with everybody She usually have a charm bracelet on with pineapples or pineapples that let you know

She's in the black eyes and a cuckold relationship. The woman is the dominant She usually humiliates the husband by sleeping with other men and he has no say so like hot wifing The cuck sees himself as the inferior lover. He can't fully pleasure his wife So she seeks out alpha male. They call them bulls at that like and follow button if you want to There you go Smash that like button like i'm gonna smash your white wife Yeah, for sure man. Hey, thanks, bro. Thanks for the update man. Thanks, dude. You might want to do something on that shirt though I mean that was just

So would you be would you be cool with your wife? Uh, no, yeah, I have a huge deal with pineapple. I'm not a fan of that and that's where I draw the fucking line You wouldn't it make you feel so sick? Inside to do this like she keeps bringing it up. So Well, because I six she's getting over there. I can't like I can't even wrap my brain around it Like I have such abandonment fear with you and like oh my god. My kids asked me for a piece of my steak I'm like I just give them that look like I don't want to share my food. Yeah. No, you think I'm gonna share her

No woman that keeps me alive. Are you crazy? No way? Yeah guys are out of their fucking minds You hear a sound coming from her that you've never heard her make. It's over. It's a wrap Did you imagine you go somebody else in there with you? Wiping I can I told you I can imagine plowing chicks in front of you. No, that's what I would kill me that would kill my spirit Oh, yeah, that's what I was that's what I was saying that I would never want to see that This by the way has nothing to do with this but this Folder has been here for a minute. So I'll show it to you. Yeah

Everything I say is the truth. Black guys are going to white guys are better. Why are you smart about my opinion? Literally go reevaluate your life go reevaluate your life. If you couldn't go to jail over to talk I didn't enjoy it now, honey. I did nothing illegal There you go. Just ends. I love when they end abruptly without an ending. Hi, I'm really tan mom But if you're listening it is a black woman with a confederate flag and talking about how she likes white guys more Yeah, pretty cool. Just just your average every day tuesday over here Tuesday Pretty cool cool girl. She's in the cool girl club Guitar riff for the chicks. Yeah, that was way cool

Well, the confederate flag is always an interesting choice In the background of anybody's tick tock just anywhere. Yeah, what are you doing? It's about heritage on your truck or on your bike Heritage What is the pineapple is that like a racial she's saying it's code or the guy said what what he said specifically It means you're into black black guys. Yeah, um, any yeah, what do we get? What do I gotta look for pineapple a thing with black people? I mean, I like pineapple. I never heard. I've never heard of it. Been like our thing. No never heard of that

How does a pineapple mystery continues mystery certainly does Well, you're ready to do what you're most famous for. Yeah, dude So exciting What's your website so people can see where you're going, uh, you can go to shalom shooley.com the social media is the same shalom shooley twitches shalom shooley tv and uh, the shooley show consistency branding Yes, okay. Yeah, jiu-jiu-jiu-jiu-jiu-jiu. Thank you All right, here's a special batch of tick tocks curated by christina. I can't wait. Here we go

Is it just me because I don't think it's rude to ask somebody on an online dating site To send me a picture of them holding today's newspaper This guy dig Can you imagine the anger? If you get matched up with this fucking guy, like what did I do to deserve this and the balls the fucking balls You'd be like, you're asking me. Yeah, you're asking me And you've got pet birds in the background. He's got biology teacher voice He's like, but to further his point. I don't is it rude. I don't think it's rude

Is it rude today's newspaper to be like, this is what you fucking look like. No, he's got a fetish He likes jerking off the hostage video This is like proved to me. You're not lying. This guy has been duped. That's what well look at the boys in the boot They're all like these bitches lie all the time, right? No, no, no the look was that that's a crazy request Oh, I'm on board with him. I agree with this guy. Yeah, she was not good at situational reading over here I don't care. Yeah, I don't think ready for a hot girl summer I don't know what a hot girl summer is No, I'm waiting for a hot boys summer. Yeah, hot boys are actually a hot man summer

Yeah, and I think it's gonna be a hot one too So this is the tiktok the old gays and I just love old gays It's old gays that sit around and then uh a younger man asked them stupid like fire island if they put it out Fuck all that goddamn titty shaking and ass shaking and taking thong live I'd rather watch a goddamn funny dog video. You goddamn women are at your fucking mind Like that it's an old school guy there. How do I vote for him? Yeah for anything? What do you want to be a comptroller you're in I have to say I have never in the history of the internet seen a man disapprove of titty shaking

He's just he's over it. And he's got you know, I see lying teeth or some weird walrus hippo combo And he's like, uh, I don't see what the damn dog video. Fuck you women It's it's funny that you point out that you're like, I got here's why rare Because this guy Is over it not leading to anything in real life, right? He's hurt. I mean I used to work with a guy in boston Okay, I worked at a boston real estate office out of college and we were on calm app So this is high traffic and fucking dimes walking by all day. So all the guys we'd be like, hey They had they had like a one of the guys be like, there's three eggs over here

Yeah, I mean like everyone look up. Yeah. Yeah, and so you'd look up and one guy he'd be like She's not gonna suck my dick and he just keep reading the pic He would never look up. He would never look up and he was an older guy He'd be like, why? Yeah, like he just didn't he was over it. That's what this guy He's fucking over she fat people fall. They don't try to stop themselves They'll maintain eye contact with you the whole way down just be like Like this is what's happening Yep, there's no stopping this

Momentum. Yes, we want me to put my wrists out You mentioned that detached and so long that makes that makes a lot of sense because his beard isn't even groomed I'm picking canines over a vagina. I'm jumping to something else here, but you just mentioned it. So yeah I love it Building the anticipation here we go Oh The scream is really that's a real fucking crazy scream man that guy hurt himself How out of shape are you?

When half a step takes you half a step Like I was watching him come down that hill and I'm like that's what's happening. Nope. No Oh my god, all right, it must have been slippery though The ramp. Oh, yeah, I'm sure it was it didn't seem like it would be the end of his life You know, I watched that compilation video of of bird all these people like freaked out by you What are my favorite is when is when people fall on motorcycles and they don't let go of the gas Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's usually like house moms or something and they're in the backyard They just go through a fence and keep going

It's hilarious. It's hilarious. It's the best Hi, dr. J9 here and if you've seen my poop demonstration before today, I'm talking about transit time So what is the transit time? This is the time it takes between eating something And it coming out the other end as your poop. Remember this is your gold standard poop the s-shaped smooth poop This is what you're looking for now You can check your transit time if by eating some beets Maybe you want to eat some corn and not chew it 100% and you take that time between Ingestion and coming out the other end and it should be do you know, it should be 24 hours

If it is too short a transit time or too long a transit time It means that there is some toxicity in your digestive tract There's something you can do about it. So I want you to check out my youtube video all about a good full body detox That's gentle on you yet helps to regulate the digestive tract. Follow me for more natural health tips. Good talk Yeah, Nadav if you had to produce that show how soon before you kill yourself Oh, well, I mean that's kind of like this show Ah, so I mean it's a kind of there's some similarities By the way, I had mexican last night. So if you microwave that plate, oh, that's the shape mines into it

Is that when any goes poop? Is that all the poops or any does is that how much you go when you do go? Uh That's just hypochoric just uh just about actually like like you're saying the whole plate though Yeah, no, no, no not the whole plate, but like one of those like real long, you know, skinny ones that you What was the last time you shit? Bro, you always ask I don't know man. I swear. I don't know. I know. I know it seems like a line, but I don't know Hey, he won't be this memento He shifts like once a month. Yeah start tattooing on your body every time you shit. Yeah, we have a fucking trail

Seriously, let's let's keep record. Yeah at least record That's so so do you want to know a secret about most men? Yeah, all right. I got you So most of us are so starved for positive attention that even the simplest compliment will Probably get us interested Well get ready for zero compliments Is that true You know, he's single no woman's fucking that with that facial hair sort of the beard is too much

My dog has a beard just like that. That's like He's also telling you he's sad Like he's like, do you want to meet someone sad? I'm sad. Yeah, he goes. Do you want to meet someone sad? Yeah Let me tell you he does the act him out. That's what at its thing of all He's answering someone that's not there. I got something to tell you. You want to hear about it? Okay You just see a part of him dying. You can't teach that. That's good stuff. No fantastic

Everybody want a monkey, but they don't realize how much time it takes to be with this monkey every single day Don't worry about going to work He ain't gonna be able to work because you know why you can't go to work because you got a monkey You can't go out with your friends whenever you want to because what you got a monkey You can't even go on vacation. You know why because you got a monkey Nobody you can't get sitters for a monkey people gotta be specially trained for your monkey So you can't leave him in a kennel or try to put him on somebody because they can't take care of your monkey Oh, you got a new boyfriend or a girlfriend

Oh, you got to make sure that your monkey like him because you can't hide him around if your monkey don't like him And if your monkey don't like him, he gonna bite He'll bite him. Oh, and you got kids too. Oh, perfect snack. Ain't that right mojo? Some monkeys not all monkeys, but some monkeys don't like kids mojo That all depends on the day, but kids are no brainer Did you did you know that I didn't and I I really I don't want a fucking monkey. I mean, this is the the worst ad for a monkey

It really is sounds like a goddamn nightmare But they need to show this to people before they buy a monkey I can't believe this guy like all the things that he listed. He's still like I'm still down with this monkey I can't go on a trap. I don't have to say that the things hold the moustache. You can't say things will kill him. It kills kids Yeah God damn, he can't even go on a vacation I didn't even think about that at least with a newborn you can do things every time he kept moving it into fray of the monkey's face He's like stop fucking move. Yeah, dude asshole

I'm sick of your fucking tick tock account I didn't think of all that stuff though because I've been thinking about a monkey later Now is this really considered like let's say he rescued this one Is this considered a rescue when it's all said and done interesting question because now this monkey's on fucking tick tock interesting, right? I don't know. Are there other monkeys on tick tock that we don't know of on their own volition. I don't think so. It's true Look at that monkey's ear. Look at that. It's so cool. It's like a person's ear It's like we're related to those monkeys. This account is called mojo the monkey. Oh, so it's all monkey stuff Yeah, I didn't do a deep dive. I just literally curated this this morning on the toilet

I sign it to you guys. It seems like a bunch of monkey business All right, let's go to this next one Men don't fall in love through sex women think well, I'll hook up with him and he'll see what a nice fun easy girl I am but the truth is he will worry that you're giving all that great hostessing to other men as well Men fall in love through trust and loyalty Worries a strong word by the way. Yeah No guy's worried while he's fucking some chick. He just met is she doing this with everybody else? Oh, no, maybe I should stop

Yeah, no, I'm good But is that true because you don't want your you don't want your girl giving that stuff out to all them Well, you don't I mean, yeah, of course you don't but I mean I've never like hooked up and been like god. What are her morals like this? You know, I'm just always like I'm happy to be in here. Yeah, you know, you're just happy to be at the party Yeah, thanks for the invitation. Thanks for coming out guys drive home sick. Yeah Yeah, my wife was so hot that I you know as soon as she let me have sex. I was in love I'm like, yeah, that's it. I'm not going to climb any higher mountain than this

So let's go. Let's go. Yeah. Is that how you feel Tom? What? What? You know, you're fucking nasty You're nasty. I love you. I love you too Do you cuddle with your wife enough? I'm sorry. Why? Do I cuddle sure I'll cuddle with her. I'll do whatever the fuck she tells me. I fucking cuddle Okay, I didn't say I enjoyed it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I've been working on it. I went to a class You know, you have been better since the class. Thank you. I don't enjoy hearing my kids say the Edward, but I live with it

You chose Huntsville Um, so shows and plug any shows Oh, you should do our dates. Sorry. Do we do our dates? Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay No, do you want to plug it? I'm not I've got some shows go to my website. Uh, yeah, I'll be florida in may and then the shooley show Man, so go to the website shooley.com. I can't thank you guys You guys you got to hit us up and come to austin man done done deal I have to say you're so funny and I I feel like I'm glad you were with Howard as long as you were because I loved you But I'm so excited to hear more of you

Thank you And I know your fans are gonna love seeing you do stand up and being now like getting to see the whole thing because you're so talented The best kept secret and show biz kids. That's right. Get ready. No, you're hilarious. Thank you for coming by Can you give a shalom bitch shalom? And we'll go out on an old classic ghost crew the jewels your favorite Oh, I love this one. Yeah, here we go. Thank you Honestly And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene

It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you Was that like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my god, this is actually happening Yeah And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have two in you or you have three in you That like it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my god, this is actually happening And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me you have three in you.

And this is like this goes for almost all the moments in the scene You