Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 612 - Johnny Pemberton - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

Become a paid channel member of YMH to experience an AD-FREE version of the show here : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYIgiXwJck_Pb5Nj-wIrsqg/join SPONSORS: - Use code HOUSE for 50% off 2 or more pairs at https://shadyrays.com - Buy One, Get One Free. - Get 25% off, up to $10 value, and zero delivery fees on your first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter code YMH. - Go to https://brooklinen.com and use promo code house to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100. - Go to https://GETQUIP.com/MOM5 to get $5 off a Mouthwash Starter Kit. - Go to https://LIQUIDIV.COM and enter code "MOM" for 25% off - Go to https://ForHims.com/mom and get your first visit absolutely free! - Go to at https://www.blackriflecoffee.com/MOM and use code: MOM at checkout for 20% off your purchase and your first coffee club order! HOME HERE NOW!!! Christina P zooms in from Austin, Texas to chat with Tom Segura about names that would suck to have, Nadav taking his lunch home in a trash bag, what his Christian name should be, Austin chit chat, the show "Couples Therapy," and more. They watch a cool video of Rajneesh discussing democracy. Johnny Pemberton is an actor, comedian, and the host of the "Live to Tape" podcast. He joins Tom Segura to discuss GHB, car accidents, big fakers, Armie Hammer, Matt Lauer, and Enny's brown schedule. They watch some "Horrible or Hilarious" videos, a cool guy explaining why women like older men, a guy looking for single moms to hit him up, a dude who insists he isn't a cuck, a cool swinger couple, and a batch of Christina's TikTok curations.

Oh Rushing that's like I know you're missing it. I'm not fucking watching that. No, I saw it. I saw what can be what more can happen? Oh fucking eight, huh? Jesus Christ! Jesus fucking Christ! Oh my god! And we're back. It's another episode of your mom's house. I'm Tom Segiro with me as always is my lovely co-host Christine. And zooming in from Austin, Texas with a Fractured fibula plates and screws in her ankle and a boot on her foot. It's Christina P. Hi, Christina Hi, Jean. So glad to see you. I miss you. I miss you guys. Yeah, it's good to see you. How are you feeling?

better this week I started physical therapy and My physical therapist is shirtless when he comes over which is a treat because he's one of those Austin fit guys Yeah, they're everywhere They're everywhere. It's part of a prerequisite. I think to you know get a job in Austin or something All the guys I've been hiring there are shirtless. I Hired like five guys to work at the office and they don't wear shirts, but they're in great shape Great shape. Yeah, great shape. I've been catching up on TV shows and I'm really into hacks that show on HBO Max About older comedian who takes in a younger one as a writer. It's pretty funny. Who stars in the show. Oh

Shit, I forget her name. She's such a great comedic actress. I'm terrible with the names. Are there any actual comedians on the show? Mmm, the lady is a comedic actress, but not a stand-up per se. She's smart. She can do it. Yeah She's been in everything, but are there wait. What's her name? Gene smart again. Gene smart. It's gotta be rough to have the last name smart Especially as a kid and every time you get like a C. They're like, I guess you're not so smart, huh? You know the pressure. Yeah, yeah, right and like we're even having a Like yeah, like there's that football player to Cody fag two G's f-a-g-g That or that baseball player Kike Hernandez

You think just having that name Hernandez. Well, yeah, because of all the accent on Kike. I mean, it's spelled. Oh, is it K K I And it ends exactly how you think it does It's just got a little accent over that second case. So it's just like hey, I'm thinking But I also feel like people maybe don't know how to say Kike when they read it I didn't the first time I read it Yeah You can change your name legally

It's just like you can have to go to the social security office and DMV at least in California That's how I changed my last name when I came married to you. It's not that crazy like you can do it You don't have to be named fag. That's what I'm saying. You don't have to be for sure I mean, it was his it's his last name. It's his legit last name, you know Yeah, you still you can change that and they would you know, the announcers would say it, you know, like after Caught the ball. That's another first down reception by yeah, I won't even repeat it. But you get it You know, I mean Right

Double by Kike I imagine that first time he probably had a corrective was like, oh, sorry, that's not how you say that I'm being told by our producers. It's actually Kike. I call him a Mr. Hernandez Yeah, that'd be pretty good Would you change your name if you didn't like your name me? Yeah, I did I Got married. I'm saying would you change it? Yeah, I would I if it was something so silly like I watched a tech talk where this guy was like I Grew up bullied because my last name was you know, whatever

Drill face and I was like, why don't you why don't your parents just change your last name? Yeah But I have changed my last name. I didn't like my middle name. So I just I changed it too Yeah, but there's no need to suffer in life really if you can if you can't there's an easy out with names now You're right. You can just be like no, I'm changing my name. Yeah People people can do it, but you don't know that you can until I think someone tells you like oh You can just be called whatever the fuck. Well, we just let the masses know change your name Well, even my stage name Christina, I was such a dummy I was going by Pajitsky for so many years

Yeah, it was so horrible for people to say and spell and I'm like, oh, I don't have to do that I can just do one letter remember you had that on all of it. You read that book. Um, was it Freakonomics? We're had the the story of the guy that named his two sons winner and loser Yeah, and winner ended up well loser ended up being a police officer And he's a sergeant in the NYPD and winner ended up being a criminal and he went to prison You know and loser didn't change his name legally. He just ended up going by Lou like Lou Louie, you know But also what an asshole of a father Yeah, God. Hey, you're winner loser

And how did he know who was who from birth? I don't know, you know what I'm saying like no He didn't that's what I'm saying. He just gave he assigned them because it was about like something about like, you know Taking on a label and taking on a narrative, right and going like somebody tells you you're this then you're like I'm gonna be this but in that case Literally winner ended up being a loser, right and man. Yeah, and loser ended up being a police officer Which you could argue so, you know pretty Interesting choices they made you know, I mean well good for Lou. Yeah, Lou's doing all right. Yeah

He ended up okay. How would you not go at some point though and legally change that like um, you know, I mean I know legal documents say loser on them I mean, it really is just a couple of trips to some bureauc bureaucracies. Yeah bureaucratic offices and it's done And that's that. Yeah. Yeah, your whole life is different now Agreed. Well, what can you do? What can you do? How are you doing Jean? How am I doing good? I just um, I had a nice chicken salad for lunch Coffee I'm chilling. I'm good Yeah, and what did Nadavi for lunch? I don't know. I wasn't paying attention What'd you for lunch?

Just a normal hamburger not out of a trash bag. I ate it out of a normal lunch bag this time Mm-hmm. Wow Cuz I can't stop thinking about him taking home his lunch in a kitchen garbage bag that smelled like Fabrice you brought it up a number of times really sits on your mind a lot Oh, I can't stop thinking about it. I think about it almost every time I microwave something now I only think about it because people were like, do you pay this man a living wage? That he has to eat out of the trash and I was like, thanks, man It's not eating out of the trash. It's eating out of a

Trash bag that has not had trash in it, right? There's nothing. There's no other trash in it It's just the left just the sandwiches in it. Yeah, and how many days did you eat out of it for? It was one sitting is a one and done. Okay Do you use the same bag to transfer food back and forth? No, okay, I'm not that resourceful. I just I'm very wasteful. I use new trash bags each time Okay, I just wanted to make sure Because my my my wonder is I mean how clean are those trash bags? Yes, they may be fresh out of the roll that you buy them in

But you don't know what machines they were made on or chemicals that have been used Fairpoint this smells, you know, yeah, it smells like fresh laundry So, you know, it looks like a duck quacks like a duck and then you could eat out of it But your food did smell like fresh laundry, right? It did. Yeah, but good news You could microwave that smell out of it. Yeah, that smell goes away right when you put it in the mic Does that make you then think about what a microwave does to your food though? You know what I mean? Like I know a couple I know two people that don't have microwaves now When I first heard them say they didn't have microwaves

I was like, oh, you're what are you poor or something? And then they were like, no, we're just fucking stupid and And I was like, you know, why are you this stupid and They both said that microwaves change the molecular composition of food and that's why they don't have them So they only heat things up in an oven or on a stove and I was like, oh, these are just simple people, you know Don't know any better You know kind of person you throw food at but it's um, yeah, it was kind of surprising, you know Yeah, because if that were true, we've had microwaves now for so many years You don't think that they would know by now that some of the consequences of

Microwave food. Yeah, I would think so but again, like I said, these aren't like my smartest friends. I hate those people too Yeah, I have both of their phone numbers, unfortunately Yeah And it's also like, you know that like I also I don't understand the mindset of someone who orders What was it called? You're a baby. You're halal. What is that shit called that you had? Lafa your lafa like it was about six pounds of food. Yeah, like what what's the what's the necessity that you finish at all You know what I mean like that that was a oh right as opposed to just as opposed to like eating when you couldn't and just doing away with Okay

Yeah, I wasn't raised like that. It's like it's like I look when it comes originally, of course It's good leftovers always suck more than the original stuff But this also kind of stems from the way I was raised. You don't pick up a cent. You're not worth a cent you throw away leftovers You're not worth leftovers, you know It's it's it's it's stamped in there. You can't read it's burned into your your psyche now, right? But hopefully with this conversion all of that will just melt away which conversion are we talking about converting to Seism oh Yeah, well, you know she has I should probably change my name for that. Yeah, what are we gonna?

What's your new name gonna be? Oh my Christian name. Yeah, and it should be a really traditional Oh, here's some good ones Matthew mark Luke or John It's good. Hold on. You're changing that to tip shit. That's done dips You're not fucking Luke. It's cool. It's You're gonna be you know what we're gonna go with I'm gonna start telling people because it could be rough in Texas if I'm like Oh, yeah, wish guy in there. You're Irish. Okay, so I'm gonna use that before. Yeah, your new name is Luke O'Brien Or Callahan you get the side I

Like the I like the Irish last name will work on Luke a little bit. Okay, Michael John Mike Patrick Patrick is nice. Okay. How about Patrick Callahan pat patty patty patty. Oh Callahan patty. Oh Callahan Yeah, yeah, super Irish really wow You know you have a point Tom. I'm not seeing many Jays in Austin. Yeah, and I don't want to get any, you know I've heard there's a culture. I don't want to say hey, how come FedEx is not dropping off packages anymore And they're like well, they heard there's a someone you know, I mean so

I'll go out there, you know shake the guy's hand. Hey, I heard you heard about our problem We got rid of them and there's an Irish guy here now. Okay, we'll drop off packages on Monday So that's you know, I mean, yeah, and I'll be there waiting to go. Hello patty. Oh Callahan here Do you have any packages for us? Yeah, they're like as a matter of fact we do Yeah, I think redheads are probably gonna do better here. Yeah, the Irish angle is much better. Yeah, Irish is a good way Okay, so if you wouldn't mind starting the paperwork pretty soon Do I do the California does the California DMV share with the Texan? Well, I think if you do it here, it'd be easier to like you we just arrive there and you're already that guy

You don't have to like change it there I would do it in California and then you just oh Pat's here Patrick's here now right because that is changes on changes I need to arrive different. Exactly. You wouldn't need to arrive as an Irish guy Yeah, yeah, yeah Okay, we haven't even done the opening clip yet. You ready to oh, I'm so ready. All right, let's get started here We go here. We hear you go Because democracy basically means Government by the people of the people for the people

But the people are retarded Big time who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura Christina Pajit Yeah Yeah, you recognize that guy Um, that's my swami swami swami. He knows what's up. This guy's been saying when I've been thinking for my whole life Because I learned in when I studied philosophy I learned about the idea of a philosopher king

Yeah, Aristotle thought that we should raise somebody From birth who could be impartial who was raised in the ways of you know Knowledge philosophy history everything and they would be our supreme leader Because it was believed that I don't think people should vote. I don't think just anybody should vote I think that is a seminal flaw in our system You think it should be people that like pass the test first No, just no voting. I think the philosopher king should lead us all What do you think I don't think that but

Do you have any idea would you nominate someone to be the philosopher king right now? Uh, yeah, there's a few people. I there's a very few people that qualify as the philosopher king So they have to be raised from birth to be of just really just that role. Yeah So there are very few humans that walk the earth now that could do it. I think um, I think Joe Rogan would be a great leader Really? Oh, I think I think you'd be great. I think you'd be great as a philosopher king me. Oh, yeah Yeah, okay, you're you're really swinging low for this uh Can we get somebody a little more educated in this role? Yeah, I mean

Maybe an ivy league philosophy major Yes, um Somebody with qualifications because you you want somebody that's got a balance of Reality, yeah Reality and then mixed with a great mind like I think Jordan Peterson is pretty smart. Jesus Christ. All right. So, um, the uh This guy had that this was the guy on the netflix series. What was it called the Wild wild country. Yes. So he he he actually is in his mind A philosopher king because he had like a basically a cult following, you know, oh, yeah

Um, I get it. So, yeah, I think you'll you'll you'll enjoy this again because democracy basically means Government by the people of the people for the people But the people are retarded So let us say government by the retarded I

For the retarded Of the retarded Yep, there you go Yeah, philosopher king. He's the philosopher king How can these swamis always talk so slow? Uh, they really they really get their point across when they talk like that. I think for the retarded. Yeah Yeah Yeah, the government by the retarded

Yeah, it's very slow. You really get the point when they speak that slowly But you feel like that, uh Yeah, it's just so hard to listen to I have to tap out of these swamis a lot of the time swamis, huh? Yeah, these these leaders so they're always molesting their Their people and their group, you know, they're always taking advantage of people. I believe that there's no good way to use the r-word I know they're always They're always like in that um

Yeah, I tap out too. Like it's like it's like that, you know what it is. Maybe it's like an attention span thing from living in this time, but like they They just feel like they speak in such a way that if you're not so Interested in it from the beginning you're gonna tap out. Oh Yeah, yeah Yeah, and they they often have really interesting things to say, but I I can't I don't have that kind of time Yeah, I don't have enough time to I don't have enough time to like

Become interested, you know, yeah, I have to want to know this knowledge really really badly Yeah You think you think it's good that people vote on things No, I know what you mean. There's so many Unqualified people with that ability, but it's just the only way that I guess real democracy works. But yeah, it does feel like Some people you're like you get your your vote and my vote both count the same I feel like your your vote should count as like a fucking quarter of a vote Just because you're a fucking stupid piece of shit, but then definitely. Yeah, you know

My vote, I'm a better person. I should have a more valuable vote That's definitely, you know I think I like your idea like to rank people's level of importance. Oh, yeah, how much their vote Caught like counts like for you the Cajun population Like all of their votes count for like a quarter of a vote I feel I feel like Like all the people of in arkansas their vote should count as one vote You know, so like they all voted the electoral colleges. Yeah, you get one that kind of thing

You know Yeah But then there's there are intelligent people, you know, not on the coasts as well like I think if you're in this like in a I don't want to be so snobby towards the coast. Oh, let's go ahead. Let's look we can do it It's fine You should have to live in it. Yeah, it should be based on how many people live like a population of your city and um, how many an IQ how many good restaurants your city has

Then you have a vote of a value Yeah That's a really good point. Do you have good public transportation? What what's your taco situation? Can you make a good taco? Good point Very good. Do you have nice malls? Do you have a mall I can walk around in? What's your whole mall stitch like? Yeah, is it one of those old malls where half the malls shut down? You know because like those stores just don't thrive anymore

Then your city sucks and then your votes shouldn't count as much Definitely make sense to me Yeah Yep, definitely like if you go somewhere. Yeah, and the food sucks that is irredeemable. You shouldn't be allowed. What's your race? What? You know what I mean? Are you an old Callahan or not, you know If you're old Callahan your vote counts is double way to go Patrick. I'm gonna start calling you Patrick

so Yeah, yeah, no, I'm stoked I didn't even realize so like my the value of my vote goes up once I convert and change the name Oh, definitely. Oh because your point and you get a raise privilege goes up. Huh double sick Yeah, because I got a nice irish guy I can trust on the staff Didn't raise got someone who's afraid of god working for me. Oh man Yeah, you gotta start taking you gotta start taking the sea holidays off Uh

Oh, okay. All right. I already don't take the j-holidays off. So we're already square over there. Okay You don't take the j-holidays off at all. Well, I mean it's it's I would just have to be like gone for most of the fall You know you take me for half like for like half a week in september and like maybe a full week How are j's so successful? Yeah, I don't know you guys are so successful. You're taking all all this time off Ridiculous. Yeah. Well, I mean some j's are more successful than others But I'm just happy to bring all this success to the sea team. Mm-hmm That's right Team sea

Do you now do the sign of the cross already? Sign of the cross. Yeah Oh, I thought I was because I was like, oh, yeah, I've had people do that to me that this No, no, no, no what I just did what's he doing. I can't see he went like this No, that's for that's for vampires. Yeah. Oh, okay. So that's one nice. Can you give me one? No to yourself Father son Holy spirit, holy

Left first left to then right Unless you're some sort of like russian orthodox in which case you're fucking fired. So Boy real thin ice here today All right, so we go up down left right there you go. Yeah, and is it okay if I do with my left hand? Um, I've never seen it done with the left. No I'm learning guys. I'm just trying to pick it up as I would do right hand. All right. Now. Tommy. When do you When do they you know, sometimes they give a a kiss to the thumb Is that usually with like a medallion though?

Yeah, I mean I see people do that what they have like their Virgin Mary medallion or their their cross and they they kiss their Their medallion But do you do that as well like when you enter a church? You you do that and you give it a kiss. Uh, I've seen people do that. Yeah I've seen people do that and you know with holy water and all that too. Yeah I don't know man. I'm pretty out of the sea game to be honest It's been a while. I'm not the right guy to well. You guys seem like great teachers so far

No, I'm picking up everything. I'm sure I've gotten all this wrong already already so quickly. I'm getting it Wow, you're doing great patty Yeah, mom It's gonna be much more comfortable in texas to be like, oh just talk to patrick I'll be just like go as opposed to when they're like, no, what? Don't worry about it. See you on church on Sunday. Yeah, there you go You know, you can start saying people did I see you on church on something you can start just just say that all the time I think I saw you sunday at church. No, but yeah, I think I did see you there. Yeah. Yeah with father

O'Connor, I mean, there you go. Yeah, that's a good shot. There's a chance You know what I've noticed in texas That I absolutely love and it's taken me a minute to get used to And this definitely goes to the angelenos in there. I like They they they they need small talk They make a lot more small talk than angelenos ever do And it is mandatory like when you when someone you're you're you meet somebody for the first time or You know, hi, hi, how you doing? Hey y'all, how you doing? And you have to like make chit chat

And and and they will stand there in silence even and just like you you got to make chit chat It's part of the culture is chit chat. Yeah And at first I was like the fuck are you like what are you retarded? I don't want to talk right now And then you're like, oh, this is like this is the culture. You must be nice and friendly and and now I enjoy chit chat It's an art form. It is an art form It is an art form and then it's another art form to transition From chit chat to what we're here to talk about That's another art form

That's right. You can't just be like, oh, yeah Anyway, yeah Well, because I'm not good at that transition. No, you're not I'll be like, I'll be like, okay So like, um, are we gonna paint this thing and then no, no, no, no Like I break the so how do I transition from chit chat salami? You got to get to a point in chit chat where you're Acknowledging the persons, you know, what they wanted to bring up like if they're like you want, you know, I just painted this You gotta be like that is really something. Where did you guys get that? You got to like

Acknowledge the thing that they were chit chatting about Before and then you kind of you do it like the business is a burden. You're like, well I could talk about this pain all day, but unfortunately Right, we got to talk about this now and they're like here for hot We do have to go over those numbers Yeah, you know, you got to my god. You nailed it. Yeah that you nailed that You have to act like like why I want to do this thing we came here to do but you got to act like you wanted to keep chit chatting, you know Yeah

Gotcha. Have you saved couples therapy for when I get back? Um, of course. Thank you. It's the greatest show Tom and I got into this rhythm where we would drink tequila every night And watch couples therapy and we'd have to pause and talk to each other and analyze and get into it It's a good show It's so fascinating that one there's one couple Um, where the woman member you have a better memory. Sorry. I've been hopped up on

Yeah, yeah, it's you're talking about the actress and the director This is on season two And they've had a really rough pandemic and she's like he's He's like, you know, she doesn't want to have sex and she goes no, I don't because like I see you just kind of sitting here unemployed And I just feel like you're weak like you're a weak person. I was like, oh man like how do you even? recover

From that, you know, I mean like She goes, we're just like weak and that's what I see and And because he was trying to collect unemployment, but at the time the unemployment agency was Overwhelmed with people trying to collect And she goes and I see you and and I'm like he can't resolve this issue. He's incompetent incompetent and weeks. Yeah And he and when she says it he just goes whoo

He just looks down and kind of goes like She's like she goes like she's like so how could I want to have sex with that and I'm like, oh my god Wait, so he agrees with everything that she doesn't agree. He's just kind of like You know looks away and is like so that's what that is, you know, like like just my god Excepts that she's labeling him that and I'm like, how do you stay like how are you still with this person? They've been together since they were 13 Yeah, which is wild probably They say time to end it. Yeah. Well, there was a time where he

Strayed when they were in college, which is like so normal. Yeah, I know after college, too. Yeah Oh, yeah, but could you imagine tom me saying that out loud? Like I just think you're weak and incompetent. It's so Like to say that to a man or a woman you're like, oh my god, those are the two worst things to call somebody You'd have another boot on your other fucking ankle. I'll tell you that Weak and incompetent. Yeah, all your shit would be outside I'd be like, here you go Go find a more competent guy

Especially for a man. Yeah, like your whole thing is to be competent. I don't know how he didn't go fuck you like right then You know seriously like it's so insulting Now we're left harassed too. Yeah No way She don't like you if a woman says yeah, exactly. She doesn't like you She doesn't fucking like you and she does not respect you and she doesn't want to give you dick touches That's the end of it, dude When a woman thinks you're a pussy

Forget it. Yeah At least for me like if you I saw you being and I'm not saying like you're crying because something horrible happened or You know, like a reason to cry or be vulnerable. That's different What I'm saying is if I perceived you as a man who is incapable of doing basic tasks, that's what she was saying Yeah, she did Then I don't want to fuck you like I'm done touching your dick, you know Yeah, which obviously like I don't know. They know each other so long. Maybe that's why they're so comfortable She's so comfortable being that

Mean and callous to him. But like also the guy's a I mean, he's a director who's worked. He's not I'm not like a fantasy of being a director He's worked as a director like he's clearly I'm saying capable enough to Direct a show, you know, I mean like we're not talking about like some dipshit who's just like, oh, no like I couldn't believe that he wasn't like if I'm so weak, you know, how come I'm not with a Less of a cunt or just something back to her like I know so they're they're my favorite because she is uh, you know, she's a she's an actress. She's very self-involved and she

She's work obsessed not I get that but my favorite couple too is the so there's a lesbian woman who's with a man who transitioned to a woman And when I first saw it, I thought oh this must be awesome Like it's like having the best of all possible worlds to have somebody who was once a man Who is now a woman like it kind of would be great, right? Because now they're on they're like a lady so they get your point of view But they have masculine energy like I can kind of wrap my head around it

The best part is that these bitches have the same problems that every heterosexual couple has You know what I mean? Yeah, because the the woman the lesbian woman Is like I feel like Because you earn all the money Then I'm just not as important. Yeah, and the and the transition woman is like, yeah, I do I earn all the money Yeah, you should fucking pick up around here. Yeah. Yeah It's great that part is great. Yeah That's the one who earns less is like I feel like just because you make more like you don't do the dishes and stuff

And she's like, yeah, that's right Yeah That's what happens That's how that's how these dynamics work That is what heterosexual most heterosexual couples. It's the same dynamic. Like if you're out making the money tommy I'm not gonna be like, why don't you do these dishes? You know, like we're out making the money and so someone else does the dishes Yeah, right. Yeah, of course. Like you're you're busy doing that thing It's like that part of the transition didn't transition. You know what I mean?

You can't get the man out of that woman. No, it's like I'm not fucking picking up you clean it up Yeah, yeah, well, which is so great because it really affirms my belief in gender roles, you know When you watch that shit, you're like, you see it's it's the same same shit different toilet, baby Yeah And that woman really should be saying it's like just keep bringing home that bacon so we can keep this dope ass New York City apartment They had a great apartment. They decorated it so nicely I was like, bitch shut up. Let her go to work because she knows what she's doing. Enjoy your life Enjoy yourself

Enjoy yourself, jenny. You like your life? That shows too good, man It really is to get to sit in on therapy sessions with like a high level therapist And these people really being open and I mean, I think it's It's like I've always loved dating genuine dating shows. I don't watch like the bachelor I don't like contest shows like that that to me I know people love that show and they've tried I bet everybody tried to wrap me up. I'm not interested I like watching like two people go on a date and like And I don't want to see then this person goes on 10 other and I want to see the disease people work together

And if not, why not? I like seeing chemistry work And like this show you're seeing people really try to work through something. It's really good It's really good It's so good. And there's one lady who's so traumatized And this poor guy like he she is just such an emotional vampire. Do you know the couple I'm talking about? I know exactly who you're talking about. Yeah, and he's sweet like he's trying. You can tell he's just like look, dude I don't fucking You know, she just

Sucks the life blood out of him. You're like, dude, you're so traumatized. You need to be in therapy yourself lady Like she's too traumatized to be with anybody. Yeah But I love it too. I'm people are just so fascinating. Aren't they good show. Yeah, really? I mean, that's yeah, it's like the ultimate, you know, like it's a fun thing to do is go to a public place and people watch Right. Oh, I mean like that show is like the best version of people. You're literally like a boy You're it's like there's cameras in a fucking therapy session. I mean, it's amazing Oh my gosh, it's so fun. Yeah, people are endlessly entertaining to me. How could you be bored? I know there remember there's um

We were at that outdoor mall and we were watching those girls work for the aclu And like watching them try to get people to sign up with them like even that was just enthralling like what are you doing? Why are you doing that? It's so hot outside. Shouldn't you go indoors? You know like that's one of my favorite games is um Is what insulting thing I can say to somebody who wants me to sign up for something, you know Like how rude can I be? Because sometimes I'll be really really dismissive if I'm in the wrong like right now. I'm a little saucy, you know So if I walk by someone if someone was like, you know

we're signing um You know, do you have a moment for children in need? I go. I don't give a fuck about kids, you know I keep walking like that kind of thing And then sometimes I'll stop and they'll be like do you have an I'll go No, I'm not interested in that and I look I'm like right in their eyes, you know I go I'm not interested in that and they're like, okay I Because if you were you could just go on the internet. Yeah, and like I could I could donate right now

I don't need I don't need to talk to you on the fucking street. It's hot out. Yeah I don't need you fool. They always, you know, and they're doing sale Here's what really upsets me is that it's sales tactics like I hate salespeople, you know people who just I inquired about Something and right away. I was like, hey, do you guys have this the guy was like, um, are you ready to make a deposit? Because there's a sales guy, you know, like are you ready to buy the thing and I'm like I'm good. I just hung up, you know, I just too too aggressive too pushy for you. It's just gross

It's like it's like when you walk into a store and you're like, I'm looking for you know, you're like you're shopping for clothes And someone's like can I help you and you're like, I'm good and then they're like if there's anything I can help you with Let me know and you're like, okay, and then they're like got it Are you still looking or is there like are you looking for shirts or anything? You're like, I just I said I'm I'll let you know if I need something and then you know, I mean like they Persist and you're like, you know what? I don't feel like being here anymore because it's like it's too much It's too sales tactic. You know Oh, there are stores I won't even go into because I know that they're gonna shark me the whole time like don't fucking talk to me

I just want to look. Yeah, let me enjoy Yeah, let let me tell you when I want your help You know It's why car sales are just the fucking worst. Oh, it's the worst You remember Abercrombie and Fitch I I never really shopped there because I was too broke when they existed But you remember you'd go in there and it was like a gay disco. Yeah, like the music it was a gay disco outside too Sometimes they would put shirtless guys like austin guys outside The fucking front door standing there shirtless

Yeah, no, I'm thinking back. Was that a gay line of clothing? Was that meant for gay men? No, no No It was supposed to be like You know It was supposed to be for the cool like kind of yup kind of uppity You know trendy Teen to like mid 20s guy. That was that was the target audience. Oh, but it was so loud I mean, could you imagine working there all day listening to that garbage music at full volume mall music?

Oh my god Yeah, I'd have fucking ptsd from that I know I know I know all right gene jacket. Um We're gonna we're gonna wrap up here. I have a guest and um, I want you to get your rest Yep, take a nap Kiss the boys I will buddy eat something delicious get rest. Okay. Okay. I love you. I love you

I'll see you soon. You're gorgeous. You're gorgeous. Look at you Let's go full throttle Bye mommy. Bye gene Today's guest is coming back. Thankfully again, we we love this guy and he's here Again for all your listening and viewing pleasure. You can catch him on tour beginning July 15th Go to johnny pemberton dot dog for his west coast tickets. It's johnny pemberton everybody Thank you for coming. Oh, it's a pleasure. Oh the clapping. I can hear it. That's really nice clapping and christine. What do you think? Is that christine now not christina? Correct. Okay. Yeah

She looks good. Um, she's gonna be screaming with no sound. Yeah, it's the best she's ever looked Yeah, I feel like women look better when they're quiet, right? I heard my dad used to say that Really? Yeah That's the only thing a priest used to say. Yeah, women look better when they're quiet. Yeah All right, I'm gonna leave now Well, you know he's spot on so yeah No, man. Um, so how have you been man? It's been a while. I've been great. Yeah Yeah, it's nice to like have like some normalcy. Yeah, it feels like it things are opening up. Yeah, things are feeling better

Yeah, I was trying to what I just got. I just did a couple shows in northern california That was nice. It was it's nice to be doing stand-up again. It feels so good to show to normal shows. Have you done uh, supernova? Um, is that one in town? Yeah, it's it's at the the wittly. I have no that's that's the best show in la right now I think really I've done it four times and It's amazing. It's in the round. Oh in the round Fully round or not like it's like 90% or it's fully around fully round. So you have to like Do you pick a place to look or do you like? You try to appease everybody

Yeah, you you stay kind of moving and then you know for just depending on how you deliver stuff you You pick your moments to deliver in a certain direction, you know, okay Somebody told me that they found it's you're better off walking the outer rim Your instinct is to stay in the middle, but the outer rim Gives you the opportunity to face more people actually right if you're walking around the outside of it This also sounds like an unnecessary complexity like it is. I mean look Performance wise, it's way better to face. Yeah, you know theater style Uh stuff, but if you're in the round, right, you know

I think I would probably enjoy in the round. I would probably use it and probably explore the space Yeah, fuck with the format a bit. Mm-hmm have some fun. Yeah, it's pretty cool, man That shows one of the best shows. Yeah, well, I'll I'll tell them. Uh, you sent me I'll give you the information right after this great. Yeah, great. I'm doing it fucking dot dog. Yeah, you're in dude Hey, it's dot dog. Yeah. Yeah, get ready to pay the price. Where did you where did you do the norcal shows? We did some shows in jurica, which is a town that is um It's got hit hard They did right you can tell us you've been to some of the cities that got they got hit hard by covid

You can just feel it feels like Wiped things out. Yeah in portland. We did portland to Portland, Oregon. Yeah, do you feel like they got hit hard? I don't know It feels like everything in portland is a cab like every restaurants like got a cab stickers outside of it Yeah, like a cab cupcakes Portland just feels like they They went to the extremes Yeah, like everything that comes out of port portland is like usually a

A polarizing thing. It's you know, I mean, it's like either portland is not casually doing things You know, you can't you have to have an opinion. Yeah And if you have an opinion you go to the place that has the same opinion if you don't it's like we won't serve you Yeah, it feels kind of like that. Yeah, because I remember when when it was uh, I guess it was during the pandemic, but also like the you know, the Protest which turns into riots in some places like portland was wild It's the place like fox news moms are like don't go there. Yes. Oh, we're scared. You might get cancelled if you go to portland Just for going to portland

That's the thing I've heard about a lot of all the people are getting worried about being cancelled. Yeah Like people when they're 70s and 80s, they're worried. Yeah, I have a couple friends whose parents are legitimate They're worried about being cancelled because they've watched so much How could they be cancelled because they're confused they're watching fox news like six hours a day like oh, no This is am I about to get cancelled? You might get cancelled. Yeah, you have to worry about it Be very vigilant against cancellation Man, I did you ever have any of that apprehend like when people were like when people in entertainment were talking about I was like You're worried about this

I mean, I think everyone does to some extent because it just feels like I think maybe one was like, I don't know It's hard to say because I think during the stuff during the pandemic There's just so little to think about that. I think a lot of people got all ginned up on Everything like the smallest things became huge because there's nothing else to think about. Yeah, so you're like oh this this You get so excited about stuff. I think I probably felt some ways about certain things But I don't know. Do you ever think about like do you I mean, I don't know if This would really affect you but when people like, you know, they're worried about their old tweets and everything

I deleted all my old tweets, but they're still archived Not archived on my website. No, but you can still find them on the internet. I don't know if you can I thought you can I think if you delete them unless someone has decided like, oh, we really got to get this tweet We've got to save it. Really? I suppose, um I think there's websites that that allow you to they just take like snapshots of web So if you know what you're looking for, I think you could like the internet archive. Is that what it is? Something like that. Yeah, well shit. Yeah

um So, uh, I guess I did all that for nothing, but uh, yeah, I've definitely got some old tweets that I'm like, wow. I you know what I feel like though So I have horrific Old tweets. Thank god. They make me feel so much better. Oh the worst. Yeah the worst and it was like, you know Some of it was just being young and stupid and thinking you're being funny

It's also a long time ago long time ago and and being thought like thoughtless and I just go like I mean I don't know. It's it's kind of like the evolution of a person and also of a comedian where you go like, yeah I used to do laziers things, you know, I mean and like you If all I don't even use twitter for jokes, but now I just put like I do I quote things, you know, like I comment on things or I promote things right

But I used to write more just like obnoxious things and I don't know my feeling is that if something like, you know, if I I always say that like you're just the You're you're just a big job away from that hat like if you know, I'm cast in a thing Well, that's why I would delete itself because I was worried about, you know, sure potential thing coming down the pipe Of course, but I just go I I feel like for me now. I would just be like Instead of I don't know Acting like it's not there. I'd be like I feel like my position has to be like look I I have said Absolutely insulting and crazy offensive things and also I've continued to

Yeah, that's for sure You know as um Like now it's just a little bit more Nuanced a little bit. Yeah, or you have more people who agree with you Maybe I think it's I think it's a thing where Uh, if someone goes against how you expect them to be that's when you get in trouble Mm-hmm because like you're known for that I'm kind of known to be kind of a punk little bitch

About everything like I'll say something that Shouldn't say or do something you shouldn't do that's kind of kind of Dennis the menace type thing. Yeah. Yeah, you're a rascal, man. Yeah, I'm a rath. That's what I meant to say. I'm a rascal I'm a rascal. Yeah, you're a rascal. I'm a knucklehead. What are you gonna do? Yeah, there you go I see knucklehead. That's some territory. I want to be a knucklehead. I really a rascal because knuckleheads like That's how they explain away like what's what's the guy at Penn State? Sandusky. Oh, so that's he was horsing around those horseplay. Yeah, okay. That was horseplay. I am not horsing around No, horseplay, but knuckleheads is what they say when like, you know cops beat someone like these knuckleheads

Yeah, but a rascal a rascal. You're like solo like I'm just out there on my own. I'm a rascal Yeah, yeah, that's my that's my person is your little menace, you know Yeah menace a menace turned rascal like low bow. Well became bow. Well I went from menace to rascal. Yeah, and I think that If you if you're purporting to I feel like I'm a knucklehead and a goofball at the same time Goofball is better than knucklehead. Yeah, because goofball is like, oh, he's he's kind of a goofball. Yeah Like what do you mean? It's like, he's you know, he's kind of a goofball. He's kind of a good. I'm I'm kind of a goofball He's a goofball. What do you mean? Well, he um, he doesn't have a driver's license

Yeah, I think if you as long as you keep on the path that you've said you're gonna travel I think you're safer than if you're like all of a sudden all of a sudden a different guy, right Trying to be a different like if I tomorrow woke up and I'm like, no, I'm this type of guy now And everything I did before is completely foreign to me That's a problem because then it's like you're shedding an identity or something, you know But I don't feel like I've done that so exactly. I think that people like army hammer Where he's a real knucklehead too. We didn't know this guy was into such horse play here, you know He likes to kill horses and play with

So I think that's the thing or what's the guts the guy in the news That piece of shit matt lauer. Yeah, dude. I always hated him. Did you always hate him? Oh, because he's so smug He is very smug and pretentious and oh my god You knew that he like you knew that he was Sometimes you sense that somebody immediately is the smartest guy in the room, you know, yeah Just you you realize that they're they're well versed in all these things and you're like and you acknowledge you'll be like Yeah, but when the person is like you're goddamn right. I am it's so it's so off-putting and that's that's How lauer was, you know and then to learn that he had the button with the lock on the door and the guy was good looking

Yeah, he's tall Yeah, he's need the button He's only getting like I think he was getting paid like 20 or 25 million a year So he's struggling to get by but he was making it work. You know, it's tough only has a few cars. Yeah It's got that button though and he and they they said I think it was pre-pandemic that he was planning some type of I don't know who was going to employ him, but he was planning some type of comeback, you know All those guys do. Yeah, I think all those guys It's like they they get to a place where they're just so am I wrong?

Wasn't he accused of actual assault though like straight up our word. Yeah our word. Yeah, yeah Straight up down the barrel over the desk Buzzer button lock door pushed. Yep. Yeah against the yep Yep, when you are worried like that Let's get our word I miss the version of that song man. Yeah That's something that people don't know. They don't play that anymore, right? You can't find it. It's almost been expunged They like wipe the internet of it. It's been wiped. I don't understand how that happens

It happens probably because of you It's probably because of you tom You did it. I just somebody uh somebody um sent me a thing where Somebody quoted me as being the reason For our word restrictions somewhere else. Yeah, and I was like that's really cool legacy I believe that there's no good way to use the our word. Yeah I know

Who said that? I don't know some That's a talk some fucking our word Yeah, yeah, these are our words. Yeah You are completely retarded. Yeah So, um, that sounds like a nice foreign voice. I think foreign voices can get away with it more totally like this guy Oh, yeah, who is this guy? This is the guy from the I recognize that guy that's the guy from the documentary. Yeah. Yeah So he um He was cool

Was he I mean think look who he's wearing. He dressed like star trek. His gear is pretty pretty pretty tight. Um Because democracy basically means Government by the people of the people for the people But the people are retarded Yeah, you know how he's on drugs, right? Is he oh, yeah, he was using tons of drugs like opiates and stuff

Because he has like a real downer kind of he can you can see it now because they don't tell you until that's like the last And they'd say in the documentary is how much He was like doing some good shit, right? And now it's like, oh, yeah Because I haven't watched anything of him speaking since I found that out It's so clear. He's just nice and I didn't watch the doc. Oh, you didn't it's fun It's like culty, right? He got it like yeah, but the character the big woman shila government by the retarded Father retarded

Of the retarded That's good Yeah He if we only he was still alive Yeah, he died He died from the drugs Uh, I don't know. He's definitely dead for pride. Didn't he get killed? I don't know I don't know somebody

He's no longer with us. I didn't know that. Yeah, he's gone. Is shila still is the story though that he basically You know rolled solo and then slowly built A community like is it one of those things, you know, I mean where like he had A follower or two and then people flocked to him kind of thing. Is it that kind of story? Can't remember. No, I do remember that His handler like the main woman who was behind everything is this woman shila And she is really cool. She's like Just nuts. She's like psycho crazy

Has guns says stuff like oh, yeah, he died 1990. Okay. Yeah, that was a while ago. That's a while ago tough titties Tough titties. She just had that tough titties. Oh because people will come at her like she'd be pissed about what she's doing and she'd be tough titties Like fuck you tough titties. I don't care. It's what we're doing She's cool. I like ladies with an expression like that. That that that works Tough titties tough titties, man titties are pretty tough too if you think about it. Yeah

I mean, I think so, right? I don't like do you like big fakers? Um, not really. No. Yeah But you do no. Oh, no, okay. I prefer natural naturals big naturals. They don't have to be big. That's the thing I mean big's fine. Yeah, I'd never been opposed to like when I I guess I I get bummed out when I hear somebody like Oh, this this will change things You know, I mean like when a woman's like I I'm gonna do this because it'll make her life better. Yeah I'm like, I mean if you want it fine, obviously But I don't know. I don't need them. Yeah, I don't need them either. Definitely not

I think I'm uh, I enjoy the naturals. I enjoy the website just the idea of big naturals that word is a great word Yeah, you've been to that site before. Oh, yeah I've been to big naturals Is it still a site? I feel like that's a site from like 20 years ago Big naturals. Is there any way you can pull that up real quick? You can pull out big naturals Got it's got to still be an active site. Okay. So reality kings bought it. Yeah, they probably spent a million dollars for big naturals Now what's going on in the background there? I feel like I can see something but I'm not quite sure what it is There's appear to be some big naturals. I think you need to pay to see the unblurred version of this

Can you even hit enter? I'd rather not hit it. All right hit enter. Let's see. Oh, wow Those are not big natural. I guess it's not unblurred It's not blurred. You can totally see what they're doing there come to reality. Those are also those are not big naturals Those are just a bunch of naturals. Yeah Big naturals god, that's one of those things where I would love to see I thought it'd be funny if like somehow big naturals became A name you'd use for something like on like the lighting industry or something random You buy it for home improvement. Like so these are uh, these are big naturals

Like it's like the name of like a like a kit for your lawn or some shit like that. This is the big natural kit It's like Um, do you know how to change that name? It's like why why? Oh never mind. It's just an old site It's an old site So this is all the big natural kit and it's gonna it's gonna boost your lawn up big naturally Big naturals If I wish somebody if we could see those commercials right now If somebody would just if like

I would even say I would start endorsing the my pillow guy if he started big big naturals These are big naturals. These are some these pillows are made of a hundred percent natural material and they're really big big naturals Big naturals are like give me a shot buy a pillow and they come in pairs. You can only buy two Check me out and find out what happened to the boats. We stuff We stuff these pillows with all the missing boats I These are big naturals big naturals y'all big. What do you see? That's p though

Oh, he did the thing where he he puts it on his face. That's uh, so he's a christian too. I'm not sure No, he's not he's not christ. That's not a side of the You know, oh my god, he's he's a new you need to work on that because you get that wrong. Yeah, that's gonna be your ass Yeah, that's gonna be your ass and they're gonna sniff you out right quick Wait a second. Did you just do the sign on the cross and didn't touch your forehead? You just touch your cheeks with cow pee. You think that's catholic Jesus mary and joseph get out of here get out of here. Are you a secret j? What kind of truck you got

Is it uh, duly, you know what the duly is and then it I was like, uh, Oh, fucking uh, tesla and they're like, I know tesla pick up truck boy Boy tesla trucks aren't available yet. You bring your j truck from california That doesn't have a solid or your axle You know, what about truck boy? Yeah, he's got a truck. You did. Uh, what'd you get? Well, this is this is why I know that because I got something that people consider to not be a truck I got a Honda Ridgeline a Honda Ridgeline. I love it. Will you pull it up pull it up? Honda Ridgeline 2021 please don't be pulling up that 2020

Okay, they had a they redesigned the face. Oh, okay. Okay. I'm excited. It's a car truck What wait, that's a truck. It's a truck. Yeah, but it doesn't have a solid rear axle and it also um, doesn't have No, it's all wheel drive and it also has a unibody construction like a car as opposed to a box on body So Real truck people are like that's not a real truck. Oh, I got you because it's not bumpy as shit Yeah, you drive it. It doesn't fucking do this time so That looks great, man. It's a great car. I love it. Honda. I'm welcome. I'm open to anything that you want to

Honda does makes great products, man. Yeah, the first car I ever drove was a Honda. Really me too. Yeah, Honda Accord Yeah That in florida state in florida. It was in 1995 Honda Accord. Yeah Dude Okay, I think I had a 99 Honda Accord Yeah, wow What color was it black green black with gray interior? My next car I drove

Was a Toyota Avalon. Oh, that's not good. That's a girlfriend car. Well, my parents had it and I I uh I made a left at a busy intersection and I didn't know the rules Of turning left at an intersection. I didn't know you had to yield to the people oncoming I was like, oh, it's green and then I just went and I got Fucking they the impact was so hard. It was on the rear Rear passenger side, right? Um, the rear axle snapped in half. Wow, and like, you know, completely destroyed that

And uh, yeah, the bumper fell off for sure So that's this one. That's yeah And um, it sucked man. It was the day after I got my driver's license. Are you serious? Yeah That's fucking bad luck, man. I know dude. You got some crazy shit going on That sucked and I remember I called my dad from the car the day after the day after I got my driver's license I called my dad And he goes he goes hello and I go I crashed He's like, where are you? I tell him the intersection and he and my mother were going to a black tie event

So he had on a tuxedo and my mom had an evening gown on and they showed up there. You made a pro. That's bad Oh, it was a real bad and then my sister was in the passenger seat At the same time. Yeah. Yeah, she's with you. She's with me. Dude, you're lucky I know and Then the pair of magical and they're like, are you okay? And you know, we're like, yeah And he goes, um, how about to her? He's like does are you in pain? And she's like, no He goes, do you feel like any Discomfort or do you feel anything? You know off, right?

She was like, no, he goes Does your back or your neck feel off in any way and she goes I mean, I guess and they're like gets a strip. So then they strapped her down. I was like Oh, they have to. Yeah. No, I was like, you're fucking fine You liar. You're fucking fine. Come on. You're fine because they're like, oh, maybe her spine is I'm like, no, she's fine And then we get to the hospital And they check and she was fine But I'm in the waiting room and I'm like, you know, obviously like

Head in my hand like just so bummed out and I'm like, oh my god And then this sheriff, uh, county sheriff comes in He's like, you know, he was actually like compassionate. He was like Yeah, sorry, you know, that's blah blah blah and I was like, yeah, and then he goes, here's your ticket And he gave me a ticket for the traffic violation. Why say are are you Jewish? Are you Jewish? And I was like, no, sir. He's like, oh, let me crush that one up. Okay, you're fine. Get out of here You're a good kid. I can tell let's get back out there Gotta watch those signs make sure you read the signs

That was it. That was it. Wow. Yeah, I didn't drive for a while Until it was like freaked out. Yeah, and they didn't want me to drive. Shit, man. God damn I probably drove like the next month or so Man, this is before ghb tom This was uh, yeah, because that would have been The car accident with sophomore year high school and ghb tom started senior year high school. Wow Yeah, man Didn't learn I missed that g-dap. You know what I mean, dude. I used to do that too in college. You did

Yeah, I think it's a Florida thing, man. Oh, it was for sure. It was I mean, I was talking about the people who were like never it never came to us You can't talk to people about that too because I think like um, that's a day rape drug Yeah, I guess I'm date-raping myself because that's what I would say. I was like, yeah, I date rate myself But I had scares before my overdose, you know, yeah Yeah, because a couple times I blacked out like scary blackouts where like you lose Hours and not from drinking but just from ghb people trying to wake you up or no Uh, one time. Yes. Okay. One time a girlfriend was like I was trying to wake you up

But she did she know the protocol how it's you're unrousable for a period of time. No, we didn't okay No, because I had some friends who were like, you know chemists and they were like, so here's the deal You know, if you take too much you will not be able to wake wake up for two and a half hours. That's okay It's normal. Don't call the cops, you know, yeah No, it was she was freaking I bet because you can't we can't wake someone up. They're not just passed out. They're like Clots it's like anesthesia. Yes. Yes. And so Yeah, she was freaked out by that and then I was like, let's get some more, you know, um, yeah Yeah, good old georgia homeboy georgia homeboy. What's up, man? The juice. Mm-hmm sweet, baby jesus

Cappers stuff was good, man God that was a long how long did you do it for? Well, probably a good year or so. Yeah, I mean, it was the kind of thing where The first time I did it a friend of my introduced it to me. We were doing a radio show And he was like, it's the greatest because I was kind of into painkillers back then too I was like, it's really skeptical and the next thing I was like, oh, yes, you are right. It's the shit. You know me Yeah, the one I wanted like this is kind of like this is kind of sad, but here you go. I got I had so I had my last um

ghb Like stash to take the college in a water bottle. Yeah, and so we're we're driving up to north carolina from florida To drop me off at college, right? And I'm in this I'm in the car with my parents, I think and maybe one of my sisters And it's a I think it's a minivan or it's either a minivan or an suv I think maybe it's an suv and I'm in the rear rear And I'm like third row. Yeah, I'm in and I'm doing Hits of it, but like on the low, you know, it's gonna be discreet

And like getting high for the drive up Getting all you know, and then you know, my stash is going down Then I get to college and it's I'm a freshman and there's freshman orientation that's mandatory to go to I remember that shit and I just stayed in my dorm room and drank ghb and got I skipped it. Wow, you're cool. Yeah Yeah, didn't meet anybody just got high in my room. Wow

But you this was what college was this Very small school called linoarine. So this did not last I graduated from there. I thought you went to florida state No, burt went to florida state. Oh, I don't know why I thought that you grew up in florida. Yeah, okay. Yeah Man, well, so it worked out. I guess I guess it worked out. Yeah, I brought a bunch of it to switzerland once you did Yeah pre-911 back and you could travel with liquids. Oh, he's putting your bag had a bottle water my bag I'll tell you what those train trips. They become fun. Yeah It's like two five hours becomes about 15 minutes of a granddaddy song. You're just like, yeah

Yeah, that's see. That's the face. I feel like when people are like, what was it like? I'm like, it was like this it's like, uh it's just But I I've tried it since it's been a long time But I tried it maybe 10 years after the last time and I was like, oh, I feel terrible. Yeah I just something about I think your brain Changes after you do a drug enough to where it's like, hey, man, do you not learn anything from this? This now we're just gonna make you feel like shit every time you take this. Yeah

Oh, I feel like even talking about it's making my brain Shut down makes me this all it made me feel absolutely right. I could never I could never do it I could never do it again. You got some Anytime I see someone anytime I see someone pouring liquid into a cap. Oh, it's yeah, that's just like g They don't even understand that like that's literally how you do right there And you do it like you always like just like that second line. No, do not do a second line. This stuff's strong Right there. Oh my god. I feel so weird to do that and then like 30 seconds later. You're like, yeah Oh god

college Yeah, I'll listen to reggae. What's up? What you got, man? What one Yeah, dude, that was so cool. Yeah, stuff was good dude drugs are fucking awesome Um, I had a crazy drug experience not that long ago. What do you mean? Not crazy actually I mean, I had a um, I had to get a colonoscopy. Yeah me too over the over the you got one recently Yeah, over the pandemic me too. Yeah, where'd you go? Um, yeah. Oh, yeah, man. Yeah

How was it? It was I mean I told them I was excited for the sleep Like I was excited to be put out. I was like I'm looking forward to this. They gave you the uh propofol, right? Yeah, but also I love that countdown where I was like how soon and they're like Just another minute here, man another minute. They gave it to you slow No, no, like when they're setting up they're like, can you turn on your side and they're just talking to me No, they took they gave me like an anxiety

Oh, why they give it to you? Did you ask them? I don't think so. They gave you a reset Don't remember. Jesus Christ. But then I was like you must have he was like, um I think it was something like what kind of music do you like I was okay music Like okay Out that's crazy. They gave you something beforehand because they usually give you something called versed. Uh-huh Did you have anxiety or they were just like we're just gonna be nice to tom today? I don't remember. I remember I said I had anxiety when I went to get my I had a lot of operations or procedures. Oh, that's right. You did. I forgot about that one. No, but I actually I

Before last august I had a hernia operation and a vasectomy at the same time Why are they? Is that because like one hole do both? Yeah, he was like if you're gonna have like I was gonna I was going to get a vasectomy Yeah, like you have a hernia We should just knock out both. So they're going through your asshole and fix the hernia. Yeah, so a guy a guy fucks you actually It's pretty awesome. And he fixes it with his dick. He does both. Yeah, I've heard about that. Um, no, I told him I was nervous Right up in like when I was waiting to go in for the procedure, right? And that's when they gave you the versed or the anti anxiety stuff. Yes. This is before the hernia one. Yes

So then why did they give it to you for the the colonoscopy? I don't remember Same doctor. No That's weird. Do they add do they tell you they're gonna give it to you? I don't know. You're really into this because I got it one time when I had my bowel surgery many years ago That's right. I remember they gave me the anesthesiologist Nice cool guy said I'm gonna give you something called versed. You're gonna love this You're not gonna remember anything and I loved it. I remembered everything Because I was having such a good time

Oh, also because my dad was like, you're not gonna remember this and I was like, fuck you I'm gonna fucking remember this just to piss you off. So I did remember it. You remembered the operation No, I remember the lead up because they give it to you about an hour before the operation while they're setting you up and everything Just so your body A lot of people get so nervous for operations that it causes It can cause like systemic effects your body's not very Your heart rate goes up and just things you don't want to be the condition going into surgery So they gave it to you so you chilled out and they gave it to me

And I felt so fucking good. It's probably the same thing. It's probably versed. Okay, which is basically like a I think it's a benzo Okay, and I felt so great and I've always wanted to get it since and I can't seem to unlock the secret phrase to To get it. Yeah Do you do ketamine? I have You like it? I have Yeah

Christina got it last week when they were when they were resetting her uh, or a couple weeks ago. I should say when when they were resetting her, uh Joint the bone in the in the socket and they're like, we're gonna give you some ketamine then when I went back and then she was like That was I had a vision quest. Oh, yeah, that's the real deal man It's considered like a psychedelic drug by a lot of people. Let's get some let's do some Okay, um When are you leaving town? Saturday We got time. Okay. Okay. Come to my hotel. I'm I'm down. Okay

Yes, yeah so I I got uh, I'll find I'll find maybe way we can get some I don't know how to get it I don't have connections with anybody dude. This should be the year of drugs. Let's do a bunch of drugs. I mean 2021 not 2020 Yeah, yeah, yeah I think that's a good idea because 2020 was like the year of drinking alone Yeah And stuff and like gaining weight or getting buff. Yeah, and now 2021 is like, oh, I'm ready to die. Yeah

Dude, yes, I'm ready to die We're ready to skirt ready to like skip off the earth like like a stone, you know, yeah Yeah, just like one of those like skipping stones where you get you get a couple brushes I feel like we got distracted. What was your recent drug? Okay, so I had the colonoscopy, um, and it gave me how did it go It's same as always. I've had like probably 15 of them, you know, right because you had issues. Yeah, I have every year actually Okay, so I don't care about them. They're just normal. That's the weird thing when they give you that propofol I just wish they would give it to you slow

Yeah, you know, I want to like tip the doctor. Yeah, just give it to me. Just give me like 15 seconds instead of three Yeah, like 20 seconds like just enough to feel good But not long enough to say something to make a comment about his physical appearance Do you want to say something like You would think that you wouldn't have hair like that for you or something like that Because I feel like that's a big problem. Yeah, so um I woke up in recovery room

The worst you're just like saying the n-word over and they're like, Jesus It's like wow, you're really attractive for uh, you know, you know, my front Asian guy wouldn't think that I'm gonna just push it in faster And then you wake up and they're like you're kind of racist And you're like, how do you know like what? So no, actually, I just was uh saying what I thought I shouldn't say and I think it made my brain say the thing I didn't okay. It's okay. It's okay. I have insurance, right? Yes But you know, I wake up in recovery room and I hate that because you're so groggy

Yeah, I hate being groggy like that And I'm laying on my side, you know, my eyes are closed And I'm just coming to and I hear some nurses talking I can't see them right because there's curtains I hear a couple nurses talking and hear this nurse say just very clear as the bell here to say, um Today is a great day to have a great day And then she says something again. She's like and she said just it's a great day to have a great day And for some reason I decided to like say something to that

So like super loud from laying down position. I go that is it make any sense Like out of the ether. I'm just yelling at these nurses. I think they replied to me. They said something to me I'm like, oh, I'm gonna keep talking And I screamed out that sounds like something someone on drugs would say I think they stopped talking to me after that. They're just like, yeah I wasn't till like a few weeks later that kind of like remembered that experience. Yeah, and I was like, oh, yeah I was the guy Yeah

When I was in the hospital The first the day I got injured There was a guy in the first emergency room I went to He was there's just a curtain. Yeah, and he's he would go like And they were like and the nurse would be like scott scott. She was like scott. He's like, I'm in pain And she was like, we've already given you he's like, uh, and then I'm not kidding within a few seconds. You would just hear Like just ripping snoring and then 10 minutes would go by and he'd be like

nurse And she was like scott. I'm done talking to you And this is clearly been going on for like hours or something, you know, and he would just go in a cycle of yelling out snoring Yeah, and then she would then I saw them one time. They're like, you're pulling you're pulling the wires out. Oh my god This is a real thing. It's called anesthesia aggression. Really? I think I have it I had a similar thing when I had my big surgery when I woke up the recovery room. I was cursing a ton Um, I was in a shitload of pain like a ton of pain

And they came to give me some medicines. I woke up like that guy being like, uh Yeah And they I see them injecting it Into the iv and I was convinced they were tricking me Oh, and I didn't just think that I was like, you're fucking tricking me Like screaming fuck and shit like you're fucking tricking me. I fucking know you're tricking me You didn't give me the fucking pain meds In the recovery room and at one point a nurse leans over me and says

Mr. Pemberton, you're gonna have to stop cursing or we're gonna have to take you out of the recovery room That's when I probably went into snoring mode like that guy just Yeah, Jesus man embarrassing. Yeah Do you think this is embarrassing? This is a we all you know, we have um We find like some of the coolest guys And uh, this guy we found and I haven't seen this yet, but I I know that he gives advice This is a guy who likes to give other guys advice He's a really interesting lane of guys

Who go like I've got it figured out. Okay, and um, I don't know. Let's let's see what kind of advice he has I'm looking forward to this Women wants a manner of resource Women want a guy with money or telltale signs after the kind of person who will eventually be able to acquire money and You get better with age. Um, you you become more attractive in the eyes of women the older you get And the more money you get I'm pretty sure this guy's wearing an auto zone uniform. It does look like that

I'm not rich, uh, but I do have some wealth And I'm able to do cool things like travel the world and I can afford to go go anywhere in the world. I've been all over the world and My stocks are growing and and around 10 13 years if I continue putting the money that I've been putting and in the same Investments, and they'll continue performing the way they have been performing for the past 30 years. I'll be a millionaire in about 13 years Okay, I've noticed that women like it like like men with money when I went to Philippines Like men with money when I went to Philippines. They were they were just they wanted me I was harassed by literally thousands of women I've spent years that are my 20s traveling thousands and I was harassed to the fucking extreme in southeast asia

Not so much in europe, but I do have some girls take a liking to me in europe And I slept with like 10 11 girls in europe Hmm Also men age like wine Women age like milk the older a guy gets never heard that more attractive He tends to be a man can be 40 in the track the 20 year old I am almost 30 and I my last girlfriend. She was 18. Nice. She was this australian little thing

And this guy is cold boys. He does in his mouth. This is definitely Oh, we have to I wrote a screenplay and it's oh, it's so good. It's like so it's so long. It's 200 pages and I I sort of tell guy he said this is the best thing I've ever read and these women they had their tits were just They were taking their breasts out and they're showing them to me every time I got the plane And I just have such a good time. It's getting worse. His jaw is getting worse with this I how can I get a piece of gum and I just had such a great You saw these women coming in there and they were just What can I do to take you off the market like sweetheart? I am not gonna marry you

And have you take all my wealth? Hit me up in 13 years. Hit me up when I got so much money that I would He saw I could sell a printer for a thousand and I'm pretty sure by the time I'm on 40 I'm gonna get a 10 times as much pussy that I've been getting In my 20s, you'll get more more pussy more more women in your 30s and 40s I mean, whatever you think you were getting you think it's good Even if it's not good, you're only getting like a few girls a year You'll get 10 times as much when you're in your 40s and 30s. I feel like this guy's

I don't know if this is fair to say. I feel like he's so potentially dangerous Like it's the kind of person that I I mean when I watch this, I'm like, I would stay the fuck away from this guy, man This is what they based that movie nightcrawler off of. Yeah, exactly. Straight jillian hall's Performance is based on this guy. He's like a straight andrew cunanan. You know, yeah Could you see I'm talking to like a body right now. Oh, yeah, he's talking so much like all bruised like Like really younger it's like 18 19 20 21 have taken an interest in me I'm not even trying to hit them up and then try to fuck with me. It gets better I'm really really looking forward to getting older being a millionaire in my late 30s just

With my with my vacation house in europe just writing books and whatnot Getting laid Hooking up getting many hot european girls that are like almost 20 years younger than me and it gets better Okay, where is he? He's got like stuff that looks like he works in one of those like little Sheds that the county works out of and they're doing road repair. His name is josh. Is it okay? He uh, let's see uploads Advice on dating and other topics. This is um Another piece of advice he gave if you have a crush on a girl and she has a boyfriend and you really like her

The right thing for you to do Is to make her cheat on her boyfriend Make her fall in love with you That's the right thing to do Okay My best friend Is someone that I really really love this guy Is a byproduct of infidelity?

If it wasn't for his dad harassing and stalking What would eventually become his mother? My friend wouldn't have been born so That means That i am pro Cheating wow, this is that's a how'd you connect those dots?

Jesus christ That's a weird way to go Oh, because because a life was created everything happened to make that life. That was good. Yeah That's it's it's quite a reach. I believe Jesus um This guy definitely reminds me of someone else. I can't think who it is It's definitely Oh, it's a guy on tiktok. Is it really? It's a super

Nutty guy you probably have you probably played him up for he's that guy who Talks about like conspiracies a lot. He's got these really wide eyes seems like martin something. He's always like Yeah, he's been out here. I know he has I'm sure I'm sure we played him. He's just super nutty Um, there's another way you could try to pick up chicks That's me single moms pleasing me up Oh Wow Yeah, sure single moms, please hit me up

Single moms, please hit me up Maybe he needs a mom Yeah, I hate that was a real What was in the background there? Was it like a slide at a pool? It looks like a playground set. Yeah. Oh, that's really bad Yeah, this guy's that's why he's there, right? He's like, hey, are you single mom? Yeah, do you need a guy around to hang out at the park with hey single mom check this out check this out Check on my teeth Jesus

Um, you know, we do horrible or hilarious, right? Oh, I think so. Okay, so I'll show you a clip I haven't seen any of these and we just decide whether it's hilarious or horrible. Okay. Okay. Oh, no, this is already bad. I can tell You got to turn it off now. This is horrible Just because of the agony he's in I think it's anytime someone's shoes fly off Yeah, because I remember learning years ago that when you under car accident a lot times your shoes fly off Like whoa, that's that's scary the imp force. Yeah His shoes flew off. I thought about the panic he must feel Because you you actually don't know like is this going to be harmless or is this about to choke me out and kill me?

You know Any kind of farm accident any kind of thing like I grew up in minnesota anytime you see somebody without an arm You're like, you know what happened there. Yeah Is it auger or those um, was that that turning? Yeah, the auger is an auger. I think it is like the auger is in the grain bin Or the thing where the thing grabs the fabric when it pulls you in like a lathe That's just it's legitimately scares me No, that one

Yeah, I remembered uh every time right before I go to sleep What is it? Is it a bad one? It's a really bad one. Can we see it? I don't know if we have it. Do we have it? Let me uh, let me look for it. You look while I do this. Okay Um, god, it's wild dude. It is it's gonna fuck you up I don't know. I'm ready. Okay. This is a different one here. Let's see. I don't know what this one is Travis? Oh, okay. I see this. This is great Thank you, Travis. You're so grateful We're so grateful, Travis

Did it hit him? Did it hit him with the face? I just scared her Thank you, Travis. You're so grateful. Oh, yeah, we're so grateful, Travis Okay, she's all right anytime someone gets injured with alcohol. It's always funny. Yes It's like you had that comment that that four mimosas one You've seen the mimosas one that one's great. I think I have it involves. Oh, yes, right. Yeah. Yeah That one's great. This is me after three mimosas. This is me after four mimosas She tries to climb something, right? And then she gets on her friend's back. Yeah writing his back

And then she's like and her teeth are all gone. Oh, yeah That was good. But also what she got so much out of that. Yeah, like she must have got a lot of she got probably free teeth Yeah, she probably did some dentists is like I'll hook you up. Yeah. Yeah. Can I say I did your work? Can I say I did? Yeah. Can I say I did I'm a moose girl? Millions Uh-oh She's huge man. Oh, it's gonna be a bad break Oh

I think we answered that one I love when people just kind of like go with it, you know, it was no fighting it because he just like I'm going down She's like I'm going down. I'm going down. I can't stop this. No. I mean, there is no way She's, you know, well over three bills I love when people just Like blast through stuff as though it wasn't even there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah even exist. I mean, it doesn't exist anymore Holy shit, man Did you find that? No, we're still looking for it. Okay

God damn dude I always thought it'd be funny if um Like I weigh about 150 pounds, right? Mm-hmm. But what if I looked exactly like I do now, but I weighed 300 pounds Yeah, but a cool life a cool life to be weird because I would look the same You're saying that you don't look fatter at this at this weight I'm saying like through some weird property of physics. Yeah, you are like twice as dense as you are And so I would weigh 300 pounds, but I would look exactly like I look now And so you could get you could like fight people. Oh, right and you would they were like punching just be like

You just take one hit and they would just go boom. Oh, yeah, you could sit in chairs and break them and shit Break chairs. You could just I don't know. It'd be crazy. Yeah, we we found it You sure you want to see it? Uh, is it a lathe? It's gonna be on that monitor. It's a lathe, right? Is it a deck? Uh, yeah, oh it is, huh? Here we go. He gets a little hurt Russia that's like I know you're uh, you're missing it. I'm not fucking watching that No, I I saw it. I saw what can be what more can happen? Oh fucking eight, huh? Jesus christ I didn't know it was gonna escalate so fast

He is not okay. I just got disintegrated. Yeah, you got like dog-meated He did they have the high res photos of the aftermath and it's Jesus christ, it's not good. Wow. Yeah, you gotta not Work at a place Just don't work there don't work there man Yeah, that's crazy people feel like dying that all the time. I bet like back like 30 years ago Just was like every day. It's uh, well, there we go. We could bring someone new in

We saw another one where it was in china and you know in china like they're just like they don't give a fuck They don't give a fuck and it was like in some type of factory And this guy he has like the helmet on and he goes over to this thing and there's like pressure valve And he just like reached just nothing and he just goes What do you mean it whatever pressure is released from this thing just sends his head and Body flying in different directions. It's just boof up in the air just Disintegrates, you know about delta p Delta p is something we used to do it talk about a lot of my twitch channel before it got taken away

They got taken away. Yeah, twitch took away. Well, they didn't take it away. They've they've indefinitely suspended me You because of my username And only because of my username which was just my nipples That's it. Yeah I've had just my nipples on youtube still have it on youtube. It's my youtube account Have it on everything and nobody can you can't even reach somebody to discuss it I think it's the issue is right now. I send them a letter or an email I'll be cool. I send them a letter. Maybe you should write a letter. I've emailed them

I think it's not getting through to a person and that's why they haven't overturned it But it's been like three months now. I have been on the stream, but um, we know someone there. Oh, well, that'll be great Yeah, yeah, because I miss it. I miss it. But we used to talk about delta p a lot. Tell me what's delta p Delta p is this thing that you happens underwater. I think it's something like differential pressure or something It happens to people who are doing underwater work like they show this video where um, a saw is cutting open a pipe and all sudden All the weight of the water and all the pressure Is equalized because the pipe is empty and so all the water goes in there at such a high pressure where there's this crab that comes by

The next thing you know, the crab is just gone because it gets sucked into the pipe with such force That just disintegrates it doesn't even look gross just like oh, it's gone It just got and what happens a lot is divers die all the time because I'll be doing work And the uncover like a you're trying to work on something makes you know Their body will get sucked into this hole with such incredible pressure that it's just that's it. You're done Could you send tom those videos because I know he'd love you'd watch that right before you go sleep, right? Tom it is the worst thing ever it is delta p is can you go to that real quick? Delta p. There's a whole training video like almost a little cheesy training videos about delta p

The biggest accident in underwater diving really. Mm-hmm There's people there's people who have died like someone dies of delta p crab. Yeah, this is the famous video the famous video Okay, there's the crab whoosh It just gets sucked in It's just gone. It's gone because the pressure is so great. It just crumples it like a tin can wow That does it to people's bodies to go delta p

It's short for something like differential linear. Oh, okay some sort of some dumb crap Some dumb bullshit some stupid fucking shit that they came up with He's stupid fucking idiots. Why don't they just call it something other than delta p for crisis god damn, dude Yeah, man Delta p is a bad one That's delta p is what you know about that famous accent of the girl sitting on the pool filter No, do you want me to tell you? Yeah. Okay. Well, it's a bowel thing. Wait Is this the you know about like a prank video? No, it's not a prank

This is like a little girl a little girl like middle, you know under 18 like a young girl. Okay. Um, she sat on a pool filter And you know how pool filter sucks. I think it prolapsed her it sucked out a good deal of her large intestine And she's I think they think her life was saved through surgery But I mean I think about that to me that is the there's nothing worse Uh, clearly you're hanging this for the first time and it's it's like you cold sweat. It's cold sweat kind of shit This is horrible. It's absolutely terrifyingly terrible. This is a recent thing that happened though

No, it's happened it's happened years ago. It's this is why when you guys do that monthly the the thing you do We feel the nasty videos when I see a prolapse. I'm like, you know, I don't need to watch this The prolapse thing to me is just that that's the line between funny and terrible That is the uh, the heavy segment. Oh, it's too heavy for me It's not funny. I don't know how you guys can laugh at the prolapse I don't think it's funny. The the prolapse stuff makes me not I fucking tap out of that stuff I mean I can barely so who's into it because it's not christina. No, it's the whole idea is just to show people something super horrifying Yeah, yeah, got it. And then

We usually get like a handful of people are like, so when's the gross stuff coming? You're like, that wasn't enough like that's every time we do it guys you're working underwater welding Yeah, I mean the craziest one was the guy You know tending to his eye you saw that one his eye popped out. No, he just like performed A procedure on his own eye Jesus with like dirty fingernails and dirty wrenches and he ripped like like skin and tissue out of his eye. It was Wild And another guy pulled his toe off that he had frostbite and just ripped it off on that segment

I would like to see that actually that's kind of fun. Really? I mean it seems like better than a prolapse prolapse is rough, man There was a prolapse that we played that a couple doctors who had watched it Said that he's like that one guy on the left. He goes he could be dead within like 15 minutes Yeah, actually going to set you have sepsis. Yeah. Well, he also the color they said like the color of his Insides they're like, there's you know, he's losing blood and yeah, it was pretty rough. No, thanks No, thanks. Yeah mouth. That was all Patrick's idea. Patrick O'Callaghan in there did all that. Oh patty A good man there. Yep

Oh, just just working hard for the man. There you go. Oh, it's working hard Where do you work? Do you work down one of the aisle rigs? Do you? Good boy. Just a big old union rep. Oh, it's a union rep. Oh, a good Jewish rep. You want a Jewish rep? Oh, no, you don't want that Jewish rep here, man Okay from the boys safe Oh, fuck dude So you're going on the road. Are you going to go on a fall tour too? Uh, yeah, I've put in together the dates now. I don't know yet

All I know for sure is I'm doing creek a weekend creaking cave and probably like something houston and just do a bunch of texas stuff Um Probably I don't know. We'll see i'm trying to do this show. I was working on right before the pandemic Strangely enough, which is all about bowel disease and stuff is all about like my stories like a one-man show type Yeah, one-man show. Yeah, it's like not as like, you know, it's like something I would do at a club kind of thing It's more like an Edinburgh type show. Yeah, so I was working on that right before the pandemic and I want to start doing that again But I think to work on that you have to do, you know, it takes like a certain Time and a certain type of show to do that totally totally different. Yeah, I'm really into it

I really want to make it because I like I would go to that show You'd like it. Yeah, I talk about shooting a lot. So I'm there Yeah, shooting in farts and all that crap and they removed parts of your insides and well not parts I have my entire colon removed your colon removed the whole thing the whole thing's not there. It's gone um Now that would be a show because even that story in and out without it being even presented in Show form is a compelling story to begin with. Yeah, I think it is a lot of times you forget that people and your age

You know, I mean people think of things like that happen to somebody much older Yeah, it was pretty young. I think it was like 18 or 19. That's very young It's very young. Yeah, it's pretty young and It was I don't know. There's a lot of things but that's what the show is about. It's about like all the Stories I had a class me back. Well, you know that, right? You told me that. Yeah. Yeah, that was crazy How long did you have it for? Think about nine weeks 10 weeks

Just long enough to get used to it. Oh, right. Which is crazy It's a thing where like when you have it you never think you're gonna be like This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. You think that at first. You think it's terrible Like, oh my god, because there's people who live with them their entire lives Like how do they possibly do that? And once you get to the end, you're kind of like, well, this isn't I don't choose this But I guess I can handle this. Yeah. Yeah And then you get rid of it. Yeah Thank god

Oh man, give her that bag and then when you have it isn't there a point where they're like, we think you won't need it But you're not sure. No, they know my surgery. It was a thing where It's um, they take your colon out completely the first surgery They're reattacked Really? Yeah, it's just rough, man. I guess I'm so divorced of it being like It doesn't seem like an asshole. It's more just like an organ. Yeah So they take it out then they you have a stoma, which is like the little the little hole there Yeah

So the ending of your small intestine is attached to the A hole in your abdomen. That's where your poop comes out then And they make something in your rectum. They make you a new rectum Not an anus, but a rectum Which is like the area that holds the poop before it comes out They make something called the j-pouch at least in my case. That was the type of surgery and the j-pouch has to heal up before They can send poo through it again. So you have the claspy bag for about eight to ten weeks while that heals up

Because the j-pouch is made Of the ending of your small intestine. They fold it back on itself and they that's called because it looks like a j Yeah You have that No, he's a j. No, just I look like a j. Oh god it. Okay. Yeah, that was real sideways. I know I was like, yeah, what? So then they make that pouch they make the pouch the internal pouch. It's like a pouch pouch It's like made of you of you if you're a small intestine Yeah, and you heal it heals up and then they reconnect it after about 10 weeks and you have the claspy bag during that 10 weeks

so your body can heal Before they reconnect it and they reconnect it the second surgery is then reconnecting it And um, that's crazy because then you take a poop out of your butt for the first time in like, you know Two and a half months and how's that? Super scary Because it's like you have this thing inside you that's been You know some guy sewed it up sewed it and you worry about Stitches or just anything. I think I have staples actually

So some people are your bowels normal now totally normal They're not normal no not normal at all, but they're normal to me like I can function I don't have to run to the bathroom ever Unless I would eat something crazy. Do you eat crazy? Uh once in a while for fun. Yeah, you got to like have some wings day to day is pretty pretty bland or not that bland I mean, I had a Chinese chicken salad last night and um, I had two Crazy long farts in the middle of the night that my wife thought was someone screaming Really she really did

She thought was someone screaming next door And it was just you farting. Yeah, because they're I don't fart that often because I it's hard to tell the difference Oh also because usually when I do fart it's when I when I'm shitting Because I shit more often than most people you do. Yeah, how often do you shit? Um as much as like at the most you'd be like six times a day That's a lot, but it's also not a lot because it's like I'm not they're not emergency shits That's that face you make you that's the tomfie. That's the That's a lot

It's a lot because I'm looking at a guy in there who he's the opposite of you, you know Oh, you got to fix that. No, he's it's a big issue Yeah, how after you shitting the top? I think it's not it's not it's not a doubt. It's any. It's mean. What's up, man? How often you shitting? Um, like once every week to every other week Oh What's the longest you'll go? I mean, I I did uh instead because there's no way I could do no nut november

So I did no shit november and I succeeded so 30 days You're fucking kidding me. He's not no, sir. He's not he also doesn't sit on the toilet to shit What else is there? He stands on it. Ah stands and squats. It's not a stand. Yeah, it's like uh, yeah It's like squatting like uh, he stands on the perching. It's like perching. This does not matter because That is nothing compared to not shitting for a month Believe me. This this is all we're all very familiar with this. Oh, you're european Oh, it's just a european thing, but he he goes weeks without shitting. You have to fix that I like it man. He has a what do you mean? I like it. He has a real like issue with shitting. Oh, it's just like a sex thing

No, but it's No, not a sex thing. I just don't like it. I just don't like um, he's never shitting in the office ever This is so deep and so wrong that it would take years of therapy Yes, you'd have to extend your life to solve this problem in therapy We've been trying to get him to go because this is this is like probably one of those things that Maybe happened in the womb We really want we really want him to shit like the rest of us, but

Wow, this is incredible. I can't imagine that Yeah, I know And you know, I only recently did I learn that it's just how black eyes are they just don't they don't Fuck It's the secret. Yeah, Ian Edwards was just here. He was like, yeah, once every two three weeks. I'll take a shirt. Wow. Oh, oh, okay Maybe I should try it. Maybe like it's like, uh, it's like having a secret. Yeah, you know, some actors have a secret Give some confidence. Yeah, what's your secret? I haven't shit in a month That's how I nailed this fucking part. That's how benedict cumberbuck gets into character

That's how you played that dragon. Yeah, I'm still holding on to this shit from March. I haven't shit in five years Yeah, what you'll do is you haven't shit forever How do you feel about your wife bringing other people into the mix, you know in bed? Like you said like it's happened it's happening Okay Well, I'm glad to know about it beforehand Okay, well Tom, um, I want to be a part of your guy's love life. Okay, that sounds fun Um, hey, you know what? I haven't seen how clean you are, but I think that you're probably you look pretty clean

I want to hear these crazy scream farts. I just want to be there. You know, yeah, the scream farts are not really sexual But depends who you ask. Yeah, I think for you it probably would be because it sounds like Like sort of like a long trumpet blasts. That sounds cool And that's what she thought was a scream. Yeah, that was a pretty good impression of your long fart I mean I listen when I wake up. I'm like, please let her wake up to this Because it's only happens rarely usually happens when I'm laying on my stomach And I've had something like mama chan's chinese chicken salad from medicina All that cabbage. Yep. And uh, oh the cabbage will make you fart. Cabbage is a

That's a fart maker. That's a fart accessory. Yeah Do you want to know how I make my man happy? I let him play with my mom Yeah, I'm that kind of way Okay, this is probably similar to not shooting for a month. Yeah in terms of like, oh, this is not good That makes sense because I'm into it Yeah, I'm a fan Can I say that again real quick? Oh, sure you can

Do you want to know how I make my man happy? I let him play with my mom Yeah, I'm that kind of way Yeah, I'm that kind of way. Yeah, I'm that kind of way. Yeah, I had bad things happen to me Here's another Yeah, I was attacked Yeah, my dad was really bad How do I make my man happy? I do what my dad did to me but to him

I Make my man happy. I do something that can never be undone I'm a victim of abuse How do I make my man happy? I do something that will never be able to talk about to other people and they'll never understand because it's wrong About this poor son of a bitch So I choose to allow my girlfriend to sleep with other men That doesn't give you the right to call me a cuck

And this is a message for all the people out there using that hateful language Why don't you try going a day in my shoes? Where you're with someone you love very much and you want them to be able to express themselves Physically and spiritually in a way that perhaps they can't do with just you Now personally, I would never sleep with another woman. I love my girlfriend very much But I know that her needs Require her to have the right to explore that territory and if it means I have to sleep on the So for a few days a week

and You know so be it Ultimately our relationship means more to me than you know my ego or my jealousy So think about what you're saying when you use that word Nigel make the fucking video now Make it make it right now. Make the fucking video Nigel Yeah, this is a little more depressing though. Yeah, that's kind of sad Shoes I let her she can if she wants to have a cock deep inside her mouth and force me to watch at breakfast

That's her idea. I love her If she wants to let me get sprayed all over with another man's jazz Unmakes her happy. I'll do it. No problem She wants me to eat cheese another man has sat on for weeks And in front of her as she gives a blow job put this man. Not yet. That's why it's it's much if it makes her happy What a sad sack of shit this guy is. You know what it is though? I hate to say it. Um Clear glasses. Yeah There's something about the clear glasses that is just screams cock

You said it first There's something about that just like oh no problem. I'll just put on this podcast for couple hours. Don't worry Um You know that with Christine She usually uh curates these tiktoks right and uh, so she has a batch that she sent us to watch Yes, I was gonna ask. Thank I feel like a care package. I know right? Yeah Here's the thing. You never know what kind of ride we're gonna go on. So let's hope it's a good one Okay, it's a limited amount, but let's see let's see if these are any good here we go. I can't wait

Hey, Charlie, think of your name Charlie Manson He does look like him. Oh, he does he does look like him Charlie Manson. Yeah, that's a good tiktok Charlie Manson good fun talk Wow fun All right We were Oh, we worship you stop the effeminate queer singing

Whoa That's it. That's the clip. I was waiting for him to show us how to sing. I know I That so he was mocking the singing that he was doing. I didn't realize it at first Stop the effeminate queer singing Oh We worship you we worship you god lord lord god we worship you We'll do uh everyone or god worship you worship you god God worship first job

It's like he wants it to be god metal get on board patrick. This is what you're getting into All right noted Okay, do I just we think you can eat a hot dog fast for me ready go Yeah, you feel sick you feel sick for sure right now. Oh, I thought for a second who's wearing those weird pants like above his shirt Can see that again sure Okay, do I just we think you can eat a hot dog faster? What do you say that he says something I can't understand Is it the do you understand when a hot dog faster? He said like do you bet you think you can do yeah It's like it was a two sentences. They got me. He's not a broadcaster

Do you think it does that bet you're getting a positive faster than me? It kind of talks like my dog I've been talking like your dog thinks my dog thinks it is I've been eating hot dog faster Daddy you piece of shit. I had a hot dog. We're the fast What's this? What do you toy my mouth? I'm just going hot dog gone. Yeah, this guy. It's interesting. He thinks like a dog That's a great description. So it's like a dog man. Oh my god And he really like he's so he's like He even looks at you like a dog does after you you go you want to treat and he's like Oh, look what I did right there. I had that real fast hot dog fast gone. I had a dog. I had a hot dog

I had a hot dog fast I guess what I mean. I guess we're bits. I had a hot dog Hey bits watch me this figure hot dog fast as hell fast as you that's why I just had this figure hot dog Kiss my fucking ass you stinking brist. I ate the hot dog. Kiss my ass you stupid brist. I ate the hot dog so wicked I sucked on this dog. I love it when women wear those yoga pants. Yeah, we all do

Was that something we're like I have a job. I can't be seen saying this What was why did he show us the sky for that? I feel like maybe what happened was that he didn't want anyone to see his face And then when he turned it off, he's like, oh, I can't see the button. Let me just yeah That and that the funny thing is that's his dirty secret. He's like, I love women in yoga pants I call me crazy. I like to see a woman's body. Yeah One of those things I like to see is when it's just you bro I'm I'm kind of a weirdo. I won't show my face for this, but I like when you can see a woman

You know when a woman's got a great ass. I like that You can see you can see her ass, but you can't see all the satellite. I like that It's like a ticket to ride Okay, I think I need to teach a little piece of it here What piece of it is is it's a bunch of exercises put together We do lots of isometrics resistance training pushing and pulling pushing and pulling all the time pushing and pulling With your arms and your legs and push push lots of stretching lots of stretching the back Let's do the back

This is like the yoga for america a lot of massaging massaging massaging Massage your stomach there massage your stomach Lots of exercises isometric push push push Always pushing and pulling pushing and pulling pushing and pulling. Is there a more Fuller set person Stretching and stretch stretch feel that stretch. It's a great stretching exercise. You see I do my hand coordination stuff Oh, look at that. You know, it's like a juggler. I open up my meridians and my chakras I do a lot of chakra work. There's your heart sock shot

That's the kind of guy who tells someone like actually I do work for the government. Yeah. Yeah, yeah Actually, uh, yes, I do have a thing. I can't talk about but it is special He also kind of he kind of generalized a whole thing without any anything You know, I do all this shit, man Shoulders chest stomach leg. Look at the stretch it like you're not doing anything. He just said like I I work with the body. That's what he Essentially told us I work with the body. I do movements. I look at movements left and right up and down You know all that stuff left and right and ball of a chair to it

I'll put my chair to it and I step up to the chair and put my foot for the ground I do things with all the body, you know shoulders back stomach hands arms fingers feet knees all of it all of it all of it Your hair your hair is very important. Look at my hair. Look at my nice my hair is She's got a degrading kink try this on her shut the fuck up on your knees now This is right before the wedding or after He's like, oh, I got her early. Okay, hold on Let me just film this on my car real quick before the job interview Jesus

Shut the fuck Jesus christ I'm jewish, but I'm what's called new york jewish, which means jewish, but for business purposes only So for me like I do things like I eat bacon Love foreskin What the fuck You used to be jewish I don't understand any of this jay shithead new york jewish She's new york jewish. It's for business

Love foreskin All right new york jewish Okay, is that it that's it That's how a lot of these end can see it again. Sure I'm jewish, but I'm what's called new york jewish, which means jewish, but for business purposes only So for me like I do things like I eat bacon um Love foreskin

Um, that is like a thing. She is what talk about being full of shit. She's full of shit. That's all. Yeah Also foreskin It's no one's like no one who's in the foreskin Uh the guys who lost it The guys who like I'm I'm stretching it stretching it out back And sometimes you see those people like uh like signs protesting like I want my foreskin back Yeah, so you can't get it back, buddy. Yeah, and they're like, uh, You know, it's it's murder. It's it's violence. You you violently attacked me as a newborn. Okay. All right, man

Yeah Something else happened. I think I think something to also think that you you got way too much time If you're putting your energy into foreskin, you know Yeah, it's like the opposite of that girl who lets her boyfriend have sex with her mom That would probably somebody please confirm that this is really on the news right now Now they're offering up incentives so people get the shot West virginia announcing its vaccine incentives will include scholarships cash and other prizes including guns

We're gonna give five custom hunting rifles and five custom hunting shotguns away That's awesome. Mm-hmm. That's a that's such a win Can I even legally do that though? It's west virginia Well, I love what I love about that guy's voice

is He's only got that voice where you think he's gonna stop talking. He's talking so slow. Yeah We're gonna give away five hunting shotgun custom rifles five custom shotguns

if You get both vaccinations If you come down to where they are doing the vaccinations you will be eligible to get a gun I wonder how many west virginians perked up at that they're like hold up man

I know this is some crazy bill gates jute chip in my neck but You mean I can get a gun a free a free custom gun. You mean there's five of them available for the whole state five guns For a fucking state of millions of people that's I know it's like these people are If they're getting tricked by that, it's like wait a minute someone already got it You told me after you gave me the vaccine Well, sir, you're not eligible to get the vaccine until you sign up to get the gun. Oh my god. Where's your gun? Where's your gun?

Oh, man, but the guy making this tick dog is probably like I was ready for him to be like This is bad vaccines are bad That's usually what that is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought he was doing too He was like, can you believe this shit trying to get trying to give us this poison tricking us with with cool guns. It's parsing Yeah, there's parsing. They're gonna put it in. There's a lot of people that are Like anti-vax now that I never thought were yeah, it was a it was a whole Used to be just like the absolute fringe

Psycho's yeah, I think it was I think it's again the pandemic all that isolation and time Allow people to consume media. They wouldn't normally consume because they'd be doing stuff like watching sports So yeah doing literally anything. I don't know having a job Yeah, or like people also go like well, you know People got sick and died from the vaccine. You're like, yeah, that happens with every vaccine though Every vaccine can lead to that you're talking about different chemical composition in each person And this you know vaccination can affect you adversely

But the percentage of the time that it happens versus it being effective It's way better. It's way better than that. Yeah, but it doesn't matter man. Amen. They're trying to get us Look, I know I've read different I've read different stuff. You hadn't read it. You won't get it You've seen the site you've been to site See this site. Okay. You have to open up a special brown I'll look at this and it's just like a fucking picture from there. Yeah, see it They're like that's from the vaccine right there, man. Look at that. Look at that. He did not have acne before. Yeah That guy did not have acne. I knew him. Well, I didn't know him, but I heard about him. He speaks french now

Really? The accent thing that would be funny if that happened from the vaccine from the vaccine the foreign accent syndrome Oh god, that would be the best They just had a recent big story about that. Really? Yeah. Yeah, they're if you type in foreign accent syndrome It just happened a couple weeks ago to a lady If you hit hit news about it because it was it was a More that the australian woman. Yeah, she woke up with the irish accent. Oh, that's good. Yeah

That's good Yeah, and she'd never been there. There she is Wow, I love it. Lenny this video is for you I woke up this morning. I didn't do anything different. I had breakfast I didn't really talk to my housemates because Lexi had gone to work already in sasha. I don't think she was up before I left I took a shower and I I usually sing when I'm Showering listening to songs and all of a sudden I was talking in an irish accent

And I thought initially that that was just something I was just hearing that this can't be real and now I can't shake it. I just did a job interview in an Irish accent when I've never been to Ireland Can your friends tell me that my accent is from a cool part of Ireland or not? Um, it's totally not normal and I'm on my way to the hospital stewardess coming soon. Um, and I'll keep you posted Send help Okay, what we're going to do with you is we're going to give you a pound of brisket and some potatoes and send you on your way Here's a four leaf clover and a bunch of Guinness

And just a hole up for a couple weeks and get out of here you fucking muppet That doesn't sound like a real irish accent either, but it had like hints of it, you know Yeah, it sounds like someone who thought they had an irish accent Yeah, the best was the lady because it's just the most hilarious accent was lady woke up with the chinese accent That one's that's the best one ever. Oof. That one's one of those things where Oh god, what's that bag? Oh I have a brain trauma. Where did she live? She it wasn't the United States. Was it

I can't remember Because the australian thing it feels like anything can happen in australia Yeah, it does feel like that. It just feels like there's nothing weird there Because they're all rednecks kind of Kind of the kind of even like the the people in politics They're kind of like you guys are scrappers. They're scrappy people. Yeah, they're all like the people who You know like oh just bought that off so fun, man. That's the best this they're so fun australian people are like I don't know. There's a good chance if someone's like that guy over there's australian that you're gonna have a good time

It's california meets louisiana. Yeah, that is the perfect combo. Yeah the beach people And all about a party always for a good time drinking. It's like oh, that's organic though That wasn't in australian, but it's like yeah, it's that weird combination of like beach Meets like shotguns. Yeah, love it. I can't wait to go back. I was supposed to go This year you're gonna go back. Well. Yeah, we were gonna tour there this year, but then me too. They they had this year Okay, 21 21. I was supposed to go in 21. We were going to announce it with my initial tour dates, but They had um, they're scared, right? They had too many they had too many restrictions We're like, well, we can't like announce this because

We might not be able to do it just based on to stay there two weeks and they have to quarantine for two weeks Yeah, they still when we were going to announce that we we had to push it into next year Hopefully, yeah, I might be going in 22. We'll see. Yeah. God. I hope that I hope so I cannot wait to get back out It's gonna be fun. Have you left the country yet? No, dude. I can't wait to leave the country. Yeah me too. Oh my god I'm gonna go fucking everywhere, dude. I want to go to places that you're not supposed to go. Yeah Afghanistan I don't know about that. Okay

I don't know about that. I want to go like greenland. Okay. Just in the summer next time. We're going to greenland And I want to go to um Oman, I think would be cool. Mm-hmm. Just places where they're super weird. Yeah The kind of places where when you go there, they're like, why are you here? Yeah Like you're here to visit riga. Yeah. Yeah. They go to latvia. That'd be cool. Mm-hmm Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna check out. I don't know the uh, I can't announce all the places We booked a bunch that are in places. I've never been to Are you gonna go to japan? Probably I really want to have you been there before never? Oh my god

It's it's it's currently My top place that I want to go to that. I've never been to it's the greatest place in the world It's like australia is obviously the greatest greatest Japan is the place where I went there, but I went there on a honeymoon kind of And um, you know that stereotype about japanese tourists taking a lot of pictures. Yeah Um, it's the reason that is Is because when you go to japan, it's like, oh, this is the every everything is so interesting like trash cans Like I'm taking pictures of fucking trash cans and shit because you're like, I've never seen anything like this

I've never seen anything like this And so I gotta imagine it's gotta be the same for japanese people in america where it's so different that everything is interesting So when I was in japan, I'm just taking pictures of fucking the dumbest things ever Because it's just I've never seen anything like this before It's just it's almost exhaustingly fascinating. Yeah, it's where you have to go back to your hotel and take a nap twice a day because you just It's the best. Yeah, that'd be cool, man. I can't wait. I'm gonna make it happen. Yeah um, all right, we're gonna run, um

Go see johnny pemberton. Go to johnny pemberton dot dog He's doing a tour that starts if you're watching this the day it comes out it starts tomorrow And um, yeah, make sure you see him on tour Uh, the pot you're podcasting. Yeah podcast live to tape live tape the executive buffet. All right many names many names Um, it releases the same day or no Or you you release the podcast. Um, it's inconsistent, but it will be consistent maybe by the time this comes Okay, good. Good. Uh, a lot of things are changing. All right. We'll go see him on tour Thank you as always for coming by. It's great and we're gonna close on this song. It's big tits fart by mr. Mobius

One two three you triple d slug of a white How come you won't eat that scrum? Don't you like your lie Show him how those big tits fart If you want into his heart Show him how you really care

Remembering to melt that bear Show him how those big tits fart I know It can be so scary Your husband is so hot and hairy Listen up. I'll tell you what Put a finger just one in his body Show him how those big tits fart

If you want into his heart Show him how you really care Remembering to melt that bear Show him how those big tits fart