Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 613 - Ian Edwards - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in MOM to get a a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale. - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “Yourmom” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Go to https://creditkarma.com/winmoney to sign up for free and start winning Instant Karma! - Go to https://www.blackriflecoffee.com/MOM and use code: MOM at checkout for 20% off your purchase and your first coffee club order! - Go to https://ForHims.com/mom and get your first visit absolutely free! - Head to https://butcherbox.com/MOM to get 2 five-ounce lobster tails and 2 ten-ounce ribeyes for free in your first box! - Head to https://Squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. KEEP FEATHERING IT!!! Christina P zooms in from Austin, Texas to chat with Tom Segura about her scoot scoot, mixing oxys with wine, coffee dates, shirtless guys in Austin, Tom's sex bag, and more. They watch a video of a guy who is not interested in dating gold diggers and a fan made Match.com commercial featuring all our favorite cool guys. Ian Edwards is a comedian, actor, and writer. He joins Tom Segura to discuss working out, high school fights, dealing with paparazzi, Jamaican accents, and soccer. They watch videos of a failed citizen's arrest, a Master of Accents of a 107 year old Irish farmer, some of The King's greatest hits, and a batch of CP's TikToks.

It's so gnarly man look at look at that I mean what is go is that the alcohol seeping out of him at night Like a guy that will cock block himself like that. Yes, that's love right that's love. You're totally right Yeah, it's got a healthy thing going on. Yeah, he's got a healthy. Yeah, he's really into his one one in his family I got a respect Good morning good afternoon good evening whatever time you're watching you are in Studio jeans and I'm so happy to welcome my regular co-host Christine who's sitting here, but actually we have a huge surprise live from Austin, Texas It's Christina P. Hi Christina

Hi Jean You have a high much better setup than the the laptop that you zoomed in with last time This looks great. We have a semi-profesh Situation happening. This is my this is my home office And I'm sitting here with my footsie out and my pink my pinky toes numb and I'm talking to you guys How are you feeling? much better much better Can I show you guys my leg you want to see it you want to show your leg?

Well, I just want to show you guys that the colors now. Oh, wow Is that crazy? That's really yeah Lovely so it's coming along I'm gonna start physical therapy soon. Yeah, and I'm just enjoying the inside of the house as much as I can. How are the drogas treating you? Good. I'm off the I'm off the hard stuff. I just take oxycodone at night to sleep. That's the kind of fun Yeah, that's all it's only one a pill a day though at night and I tried drinking last night I had half a glass of wine and I was like, oh, that's not a good idea

Because then I have to get on my scoot scoot to go potty and I'm like I can get into a scoot scoot accident and break Yeah, and a dog. I think told you to tell me like hey, don't let her go too fast on the scoot scoot Did he is yeah, that doesn't sound like me Didn't you say or in someone was screaming in studio jeans tell her that you can get into an accident on your scoot scoot Yeah, oh But that's like the bird scooters like the the ones that you scan on the street No, no the one that you have you can get definitely hurt on yeah Because you have one leg down and they turn you could definitely fall off of that and get hurt for sure you can yeah, yeah

Well, it luckily it slows me down But you know what helps if you don't want to get hurt on one of those is pop an oxy and have some wine Then you'll be fine Well, I split them I did wine first and I waited an hour and then I took my oxy I see okay, okay, and just so you know the way the scoot scoot is built is that it slows me down when I go around Corners it's got an inherent mechanism. So I can't I can't really shred. I got you Shred dog. How are you bro? I miss you. Yeah, I miss you too. It's um, it's weird. We were gonna be here I'm real convincing you went. Yeah, she too. I

Miss you give me an Instagram post tell everybody how much you love me guys my wife Let me tell you There's just nobody like her. I wake up and I when I hear her voice. It's like birds are chirping Like crows fucking How come you don't do those posts like I'm just so lucky I was just the luckiest guy in town. Yeah, I don't feel like that No, I miss you guys. I miss being home. I miss I thought we were all you know, we were all gonna be out here together I know and I miss you guys. I miss the studio jeans. Yeah, knuckleheads I've been catching up on Intel the way any has been pooping. Yeah, we've been talking about it quite a bit

Everybody's real fired up about it sad worked up You know, we're trying to send him to a place, but he's resisting Um But look, let's get the let's get the show started, you know, I mean, yeah, let's get the show started what hold on It's different. Yeah, here we go And Here you go. I just have one thing to say if you're a gold digger And you try to go out with me

Don't bother if you are not in it for the love the affection and the loyalty. I have to give You're not worth my time Who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura Christina Yeah Yeah, can you see that guy by the way you see him I did he it looks like he has a mattress and he's sick of

He's sick of those gold diggers You know how people with mattresses in their living room are like man, he's fucking gold diggers are just Coming after me Yeah, and he's got some of the criteria of the cool guy video the angle is dog shit the lighting sucks I mean the lighting is terrible Yeah, but there's like there's mold He's like he's fucking gold diggers man They keep coming after me trying to take me for everything I'm worth. Yeah

Yeah, what do you think in his mind is valuable that these women are taking like I think that if a woman is just like Let's go out. He's like you fucking gold digger, you know, yeah If she suggests like getting a beer or dinner, he's like bitch. Yeah fucking bitch. You don't even love me That was Tom Lankas his big thing. He's like I don't do dinner and drinks. Yeah, I'll take her out for coffee Right. Yeah, I'm not investing in dinner. That's expensive. First of all, if you take a girl out for coffee You're just asking her to take a shit. So I know yeah, you don't take a check out for coffee You know and your breath smells like shit both of you your breath stinks You don't want to fucking French if you're trying to go to Poundtown you you you know, let's go out for a drink

Let me buy you a drink Can I buy it? Can I buy you a tequila? Yeah, maybe you kind of lose your you know your inhibitions your judgment goes away and you know, maybe in the car you're you're on your side and Kind of slip what? What nothing nothing I've never done anything like that. So Yeah, but I'm definitely not buying you coffee if I'm trying to Yeah, cuz you you want you want to get loose but he doesn't want to put in the investment

I think that's what he sees as Gold-digging the woman who wants to be wind and dined. I think he wants a woman who immediately is like I'm loyal to you You know those people that are crazy that think that those things are immediate and not not earned over time like Loyalty and love like that's not like you don't go on a date and be like I love you and I'm loyal to you That's an insane person's like perspective, you know, that's known as a red flag. Yeah. Yeah, if somebody is like I'm fucking into you It's you and I let's move in Also, that's crazy town It also just occurred to me that he might be thinking that if a woman wants you to have a job

Then she's a gold dick like he might be saying it that way too You know, I mean like he might just be like if she's like, what do you do? He's like you're fucking gold digging bitch. I Sit here next to my mattress all day And then she's like oh, so you don't have a job he's like is that all you're interested in money Yeah, you think you're better than me you think you're fucking better than me you fucking bitch Yeah Babe, you nailed it. Yeah, he's like These fucking bitches all they want to know is how much money I make yeah, but they're just asking if he's employed probably probably

Or they're just like, you know, what do you do and he's like here we go again What do I do for what for money? Yeah, that's what I thought fucking bitch Listen listen to what he says Every woman that has started to follow me about tick-tock and Instagram I've been nothing but gold diggers. Oh, I'm actually trying to find the future of my life It's disappointing how people

Only care about money There you go. I Think it's a poor guy. He's upset that they find out he doesn't have money and then he goes your gold digger As opposed to just somebody having some self-worth who goes I'd like to date someone that's employed You know like which is not unreasonable like oh, what do you do? I don't have a job you fucking gold dig and slut You know, that's kind of a crazy perspective to have Yeah, he's a little defensive for a regular question. Yes Yes

Yeah That's pretty cool guy single Yeah He might be added to the new best commercial I've ever seen Hmm. You seen this match calm commercial that just came out. It's pretty great. Let me see him. Okay. What's going on? It's Charles Natalia, it's Elliott Tony Jones ladies man. It's me Joe looking for a real relationship So difficult for good guys to meet a fucking sane woman

For sex try match today for free. You must be 120 or less You'd like to see me smoke some it with a small I'm gonna make you cry You stupid bitch. Let's go full throttle. See who's on match right now for free try that And that was made by the cool guy club on Instagram, he's always posting very funny stuff, but that is a I think match reached out to him and they were like, hey, can you help us out and he made that commercial for them You know, I just when I was watching that I thought to myself Good morning, Julia. Looks like the most put together of those guys

Well, if you were gonna have to I mean look it would be scary Eventually, but like yeah, if you had to pick one of those guys to like hang out with I would go He just wants to Adore you, you know, he's the one that's like I want loyalty on the first minute. Yes. Yes. Yeah He'd be like what happened what happened to us like you'd be like, I mean we met last night Yeah, but if you had to spend time with any any of them I would definitely choose Joe I Would choose Joe because I could handle his Oh, I'm sorry. No. No because we're leaving out Charles. Yeah. Oh, I love Charles. Wait a minute Charles

Right now is like you're choosing Joe over me No, I would choose Charles and Elliot over over the other guys for sure they were just overly eager that's it Yeah, yeah, then one bad. Oh, I'm sorry. Let's separate them Charles and Elliot are here and then terrifying people are here and of the terrifying people Joe is the least terrifying I think yes for for a short period of time Yes, and I would go for the most of the caveman guy for me is what this this one of this the hot like top three scary Oh, yeah caveman guy because he's just full of rage. There's nothing but rage and contempt for women You know, what's interesting is the smoker has layers. It's interesting. How many people in that commercial are dead

Because the manager all guys dead fat smokers dead, who knows how many other people are dead in that I'm thinking caveman could be dead But I'm also We But I The four strokes guy now because we've had so much time with him I'm more intrigued by him like I would actually want to sit down and talk with him Oh, okay, and and but in a controlled environment, right?

In like a Starbucks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Not not like at his house where he's like no Dick's all limp. Are you ready to see and get started? No, but I really want to know the story behind the video like how did he What what sparked him wanting to make a video in a bathroom of a restaurant letting us know about this and like the Masturbating with the brother or the whole backstory. I'd want to know. Yeah, there's a lot Speaking of guys and cool guys. We've discovered that Austin is full of Super hot fit good-looking shirtless guys, right? Oh my god every time Every time you go out for a car. Yeah, you go in the car. You're just like look at this fucking stud

Hot shirtless young dudes jogging everywhere around Austin. It is Unbelievable. Yeah, you got it. You got some saliva coming out if you want to just go. Oh my god. Yeah, they're just One they have shaved chests and they're walking their dogs. They're jogging around Mm-hmm. I haven't seen so much of the unladies. Have you been looking at the ladies? I mean, I've seen ladies, but I mean, I feel like it's kind of a dude heavy town Where the dudes at the dudes are in Austin Yeah, yeah, if you're a single woman you got to move to Austin. Yeah, I agree. There's so many Fits they're so fit. There's a big fitness culture here. There is a lot of wellness. You know, it's like a wellness fit kind of culture

But I still don't condone Jogging shirtless in the streets. I think it's unhygienic. I think it's disgusting It's inappropriate Inappropriate don't you think it's gross like why are you a lot of times it's gross a lot of times You don't want to see somebody like that. I would agree with that But then again, if you are super fit, you're like, that's that's what that's for Right. If I was super fit, you would never see me with a I do the shirt the show shirtless

Maybe like oh what I'm sorry Yeah, I just be like what if you just walking around You're right because there's a certain type of guy you have to feel entitled to walk around shirtless. Yeah, it's not for everybody It's not allowed for everybody. No Like Bert does it. He forces it on the world. Yeah, and let's let's be honest. It's polarizing from Bert Okay, some people find it rather amusing and some people are like I'm ready to throw up Yeah, yeah, cuz he has a throw-up body what I'm saying is if I had

Not a bird if I had I have a bird to ask body if I had like a Fit Austin bod I'd be shirtless all the time all the time Well, they're all kayaking and shit on the lake and they're just so good But I wish you would go shirtless now As like the mid 40s dad What if you were just hanging with our kids at the playground and you're like sure But there are those guys. They're just like, well, I'm getting sun. I'm getting some sun Come on, man

Come on Come on, man. And especially if you're not fit. No one wants to see your dog shit But it's like when you watch a porn and there's a guy that's out of shape and you're like dude Is there not a another dick in the room that can do this that works out? I don't want to see a fat guy in a porn No, although sometimes I the guys I give a little more slack to Yeah, I'm like, I guess they're fewer and far between Percasting yeah, but the women they're just so many like you got to be hot like the competition's pretty. Oh, yeah

Yeah, pretty steep. You see when the girl has like a little tire around her waist and you're like, how did she get this gig? Yeah, they should show up and just shove her out the door, right? Like all you do is take dick all day. You can't fucking put a sandwich down and just get ready for this God's so true, babe. Yeah, you're so smart. Thanks. Have you given any more thought to who would come first in a DPU or your dad? You know, I was bringing it up to Nadav today and I was like, do you think you know, you could do it and he goes for sure It would ruin me forever. I would never be able to be with a woman again He goes, do you think you could be with a woman again? I go, yeah, I think so and he goes

Do you think you would sleep that night? And I go, no, I don't think I would sleep that night I think I would have nightmares But oh man, I that would be so traumatizing. I think my dad would come faster But here's the thing is that his age Like you're younger, you know, yeah, but I think he I'm more I'm you know more sexually active at my age, right? So I think I'm more used to sex and so I think that the woman who was having sex with me and my dad It would to him he would be like this is happening, you know, and I think he would get more excited

And who would be on the bottom with you and your dad? He'd have to be on the bottom. He's laying down. He's laying down He's older, you know Knees and hips aren't what they used to be. I'd be like, hey dad, just relax. I'll be in her ass Oh Holy shit, but then why like I was thinking too. Why can you imagine? Can you imagine genre doing? Threesome with your mother and another guy That's what I mean, but why is that if that that's a genre? It is on the daughter and the mother It's a taboo, you know

Well, so is the son and the father, but I'm saying I'd like to see some son father It's because most most of these things are consumed and by men and they're not like man, I wish I was doing shit with my dad That's why it's not most men's fantasy To be like, I'd love to get in some sex in with my dad What about your brother? Yeah, I don't think most I don't think it's or strokes No, the men the men are fantasizing about, you know, two sisters or a mother. Yeah Is that something you fantasize about? No, it's just never it's never been a thing. It doesn't get me going in any way

because what's the I'm trying to think of what the appeal is like. I'm gonna bang her and her sister like what's the turn on I think it just feels super taboo like it's you know, I mean Getting more than one woman is exciting in a fantasy for most and if you're like they're related, you know, yeah It's a thing I guess like a twofer. Yeah, what you don't think so Yeah, I guess it's not it's not my thing No, yeah, the whole family a fair thing is not something that makes my dick harder than if they weren't related. Yeah Yeah, I'm of the opinion that any two women will do

You know, they don't have to be Cousins or sisters. Yeah. Yeah, like that layer. I guess is exciting for some people Yeah, what you just said that the taboo of it like they're related. Yeah, it's a shared It's another level of excitement. I think also like with With people, you know, you're when you're a boy you get excited at the sight of a woman in a bikini And then it's like boobs and then it's you know, I mean it's it escalates. So these are people who Sex is no longer getting that dopamine drip going so it's about it's about you know, I mean raising the eggs making it more taboo Exciting so then it's like other sisters. Oh that becomes exciting, you know, and then pretty soon you're you're wrapped up and

Tarp and you're lowered into a hole in the ground and there's a sofa Sitting on top of that hole and you can't breathe and someone's like man my dick's real hard right now. I Got a dp at chick with my dad today Yeah, huh, huh? I wonder if the female sexuality if we're wired similarly. I don't think you are I think it's clear because I think it's clear They're not Yeah, for personally for me the vanilla like peanut butter and jelly stuff I'm still pretty hyped like just seeing that for so many years like anytime. I just see a D go into a V

I'm like this fucking awesome. Yeah sex sex is exciting Just just seeing the D go into the V is plenty. I think I think most people maybe like a sex therapist would be like Oh, you have a healthy disposition and outlook and your mind isn't a gutter You know, but guys We're different Different. Yeah special special, you know, what's interesting now is that I have I have zero V inclinations since my accident different, yeah, I Don't feel any kind of

That's weird, huh? You don't feel any pouch Any kind of sexual inclination like I'm totally shut down. That's totally normal I'm a week out from surgery. The longest I've ever gone without ejaculating Was during when I got injured I didn't even know how long did you go over a month? Yeah But it never even it wasn't even a thing where I was like, oh man, I wish I could or something It just knew it wasn't even it was like you're my body turned it off

That's how I feel because I got hurt December 1st. There's no way I didn't It was it had to have been like in January at some point and it wasn't even like like normally it's like, you know I don't know 96 hours. I'll be like, you know, just like like Full of rage. Yeah, and then But for For that month nothing And I'm so glad to hear you say that because I was a little jealous of the nurses that were taking care of you I thought I thought they're surely they're giving him handies

Um every day surely Surely you think and professional nurses would be like, hey man Well, you're famous comedian good-looking guy You know, what what if these what if one of these women is like gonna try to move in on my my shit? You really thought this? Yeah Just for a second like one of my crazy woman thoughts and then I was like Oh, yeah, you don't think you don't ever think like a crazy thought like that like What if Christina is like hooking up with the fucking pool guy when I'm out and then you're like, that's that's not happening

No, you don't ever happen to rational. I have irrational thoughts. Not that though. Those don't I've never what's your rational share I don't I mean, I don't know what to dig up and you like violence. I know you're like, what if I just snapped that chicks neck at the starbucks? Yeah, okay I Thought that I've thought that before I've thought about pulling one of those people in the drive-thru out of the window before You know by their face Yeah, yeah, and then dragging them as the car pulls away dragging by their teeth out of the

You know, but then I did I've never done it Oh my god I stopped me if I've brought this up before on the show. Yeah, but So I was going through our closet and I found a travel bag of yours And I I don't go through your belongings, but we were looking for bags to travel with so I was like I don't know we we shoved a bunch of stuff in different bags. We moved so I was going through this bag I'm going through and I'm noticing this is your stuff

And I pull out This insane dildo that is for men And I or is it is one that goes sorry. I know it was for it was for women that one one goes on your butt One goes in your meow. I guess somebody gave it to us. Yeah a joke or whatever. We've never used it. Yeah So I'm going through I'm kind of laughing and then I find condoms Now you and I haven't used condoms in how many years since

Fucking I don't know Decade now. I don't know who knows you have a vasectomy. So immediately I go like, oh my god. This guy is like road-baving like he's Finding chicks on the road. He's got his condoms and I had a man of like panic Thoughtfully I might add by wearing a condom. Go ahead I fucking knew you're gonna say that too by the way by the way And so I was I had a moment of panic and you were sleeping And I was like, should I wake him up and confront his ass on these condoms like I had this whole crazy

Thing in my head and then I looked at the expiration date and it was for like a decade ago And I'm like, oh, I recognize these this is from like back when we actually use these And then you realized that they were kind of that you bought Did I buy them? Yeah, that's what you ended up telling me. You're like, I think I bought these Oh for when we were like we first started dating before I wasn't sure if you had the heaven You know Yeah, but anyway, then you were like, hey, I woke up. You're like, I found your condoms and I was like, what? Yeah, I found condoms. I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. You're like in this bag that you've never used

I found condoms. I was like, okay You're like, are these your road condoms? I'm like, I'll take them if you want me to Yeah, yeah, but I did have a moment of irrational Panic I would be never had that. Yeah, I've had a rational panic with me We're like, oh my god, was she like who's she texting? Where's she going? What if what if she has like a secret thing? No Would you like me too or something? I don't

No, I don't know you're like putting no, I don't have those thoughts I guess because my both my parents had such shady relationships like they dated people that did that stuff So I'm just used to like I expect that that's gonna happen eventually, you know Okay, like doesn't everybody do that? Sure. I'll get started I mean I'd be so pissed to put on a condom right now Uh, you know, I mean like even if some chick was like, all right stick it in but put a condom on I'd be like, you know what?

Fuck you. Okay I'm raw because I raw dog only that's how I live I'm raw dog 365. Yeah raw dog 365 and if she was like but you know I have this and that I'm like, can you only live once like let's do it, you know Yeah, you stupid bitch. Yeah all right Um, but that's true when you got your vasectomy your mom was like, oh now you can just fuck around on the road

Yeah That's pretty cool Like that's why you did it. Yeah, I was I was doing it to just not make kids on the road I'm always I'm always in that road, babe, you know There's got to be a male comedian That we don't know about maybe That has families in like every major market Not every but there's definitely some comics that have

Yeah, you know a kid or two out there in different cities for sure For sure. Yeah. Yeah And they're always like, well, and then the wife's like, you know, you you play Sacramento four times a year. That's crazy Yeah, they just love me Yeah What can I tell you Sacktown? Well, and that's not what you've been doing a lot. Well now that we live in tejas Well

Yep, that's my texan impression Well, well You know y'all welcome to move here, but just don't bring your votes with you We've heard that quite a bit. Yeah, y'all live from california. Well don't vote like you did Unless you want texas to turn into california, you know what I mean? Yeah, man. Thanks. I don't know if you know how voting works, but I appreciate it. Thanks All right, jean, um, uh, we're gonna run and uh, my guest is here And uh, you're standing you're sitting we'll we'll chime in whenever you normally would

right christine right so Um You look great. I'll be home in a few days Take care of the boys. Take care of yourself get some rest A member ox is in wine and then get in the car. Okay. You got it. All right. I love you. Bye. I love you And we are back with a return guest one of my absolute favorite comics to watch

You can catch his podcast weekly the soccer comic ramp podcast You can follow him on instagram at ian edwards comic. Please welcome back ian edwards to the show ladies and gentlemen Do I do I look anywhere? Yeah, that's perfect. Like this is this one. This is It's looking the wrong all the time. It's good to see you man. All right. Great to see you man. You're looking slim Thank you. What up slim? What up, man? You know my whole life. We're trying to put on weight and just can't make it happen I hate you're like one of those guys probably right if you ate like 12,000 calories a day you'd be like I don't know man. My body has been very disrespectful and uh, especially during covid like before

covid I would like I finally joined 24 hour fitness And then at night on the way home from the shows from the store Like I live in Los Feliz So stores in west hollywood on the way home. There's a 24 hour fitness on hollywood boulevard one of those guys That goes in there like late night. So yeah, it would be As if it was covid time during regular time when I went there and being like me And five people you can get on all the rides. You don't have to line up like it's disney land

Yeah, yeah, and you just I I just do like half an hour, bro. I just do One part one muscle and this will be like at midnight though. Yeah midnight or one whenever I get off It's 24 hour fitness. Somebody has to use those hours Right that nobody else is using sure to justify it being open. So I just go then and then I was in decent shape and then uh covid hit and two months in I did not look like the guy that was going to the gym three nights a week really like my body was like

Yo, we don't remember nothing I said, what happened to the memory foam all like tension the the the definition and tone went away gone, bro Like easy like and I have to say I have to tell you that does make me feel good Yeah, like to see a guy with like a lean like a slender build go like now this fucking falls apart too No, it falls apart like I think when you're not in your 20s and 30s. Yeah, that's shit Just yo, we out we out. Yeah. Yeah, and it's like I was like, what about all the shit we did they say, yeah, yeah My body was like I was when we in the 20s and 30s you ate like shit

And we held it down for you. Yeah And and but we ain't doing that shit no more you have to be on this or or it's all on you or forget it Do you know when my body said that when 15? I swear to god, I swear to god I I would eat like a psycho and I I was I had 29 inch waist I'm 14 years old and I'm just like fucking Everything and I was just like what's up didn't matter and I remember like cousins of mine would be like man you eat crazy I was like so what?

And then like I come back it was a summer break It was summer break between freshman and sophomore year of high school And so when I come back to begin sophomore year at high school I was 210 people were like god damn because I had left, you know, like 30 pounds That summer my body was like fuck you You're disrespectful bastard. You disrespectful bastard eat healthy. I was like, no So what do you what are you doing now because you're now I'm clean man. Yeah. Yeah, it's all for I mean It's probably like this for the majority of people. It's just I need structure. There's some people especially people who are

More naturally in shape that they can just go Eat healthy and like they know what that means and they know like avoid this and eat that I can't do that. Right. I need like a lit I need eat this right right a list of yeah So and I think you can eat and those are things you can eat and basically I and it doesn't even bother me to eat Pretty much a lot of the same things all the time I still like will enjoy things that you know if I want to have something I'll I'll I'll go for it but For the most part, you know A lot of egg whites

Much more like spinach and broccoli And tons of chicken and fish, you know, and you you got a workout regimen. Yeah, I try to do I try to stick to cardio five days a week and then Waits some vert, you know, some weights like three days a week. That's good. I see some shoulders coming out the t-shirt So, you know, I mean, that's always a that's always a clear sign clear sign. You're doing something doing something Yeah, I like I was afraid of COVID but as soon as the gym opened one friend Dean Del Rey went Yeah, and then I said you went to the gym. Yeah, and then the next day I was like He's somebody that totally changed his whole

Yeah, lifestyle completely because he he has Diabetes always he got he Got himself ate himself into type two diabetes And then got himself healthy enough that he does not have it anymore. Right exactly and takes no medication whatsoever Yeah, because that I remember the story which is a wild story, which he said he got into juicing and so he just was like Like, you know fruit juices, which is just tons of sugar and he was just over and like drinking these like every day all day That's that's the thing is like when people decide to get healthy. It's just like what you're saying like eat healthy

What is eating healthy? What exactly and then if you're not really you have an idea because you've seen people Kind of eat healthy, right? So you'd like copy like I'm gonna go extremely Doing this one thing this one thing and then he gave himself the IB this from just eating all the all the fruit Yeah, all the all the the fruit juices I should say like and the thing is this is more to the point of like They don't this is shit that we should be taught in school not like, you know, you think the pyramids like I use the It's like these are how this is the same thing with money. It's like

Nobody teaches you how to manage money. They just go, you know Oh, yeah, if you get money, then just don't spend it all and you're like, that's not really an education Exactly. They don't teach us any of those things, but You learn finally when you make the choice to like the types of foods you should be eating Right, but but Dean's story was fascinating to me because he was like i'm drinking all these juices I go to the doctor. They're like you have diabetes Because you're just drinking sugar Yeah, yeah, and then he goes is he asks his doctor. Can I

Like get out of can I can I basically cure myself and they're like, yeah, if you You know start eating this way and lose this weight and like you could possibly do this And not have diabetes If you change your lifestyle completely and he did he did. Yeah. Yeah, and when he uh, when he first got it I was like, don't worry man. You could beat this man And in my mind like he's dead I'm gonna I'm gonna detach. I'm gonna stop calling him every day. He's not gonna make it He's he's dead

but then You got it's like when We always use I always use non movies Yeah as a reference for when the people in the platoon who survived and they replenished the platoon With new soldiers rookies and the rookies like hey, what's up? And they're trying to tell you their name And they're like no man. I want to know your name. Yeah. Yeah in the first time we go out You're gonna die and I'm gonna be close to you. Yeah, so I was like no this thing is dead. Yeah, I'm out So then uh, so dean was like you're like cut him out of your life. Yeah, he didn't know why I was

So you that you had no idea why I didn't return his calls Like the first three months after he got diagnosed with diabetes But then then he lived as a 18. What's up, man? Now that you're healthy, we can be friends now that you're serious about living. Yeah, let's kick it. You know, yeah, man Well, that's the thing is like I I'm not gonna hurt me tom right So you should now that you should call me more now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Tom, you know, I don't you're you're good For a while. You're like, this dude's definitely Now you know why

I remember one time burr told me that uh, and this was like because I've gone up and down with weight Various times and one time I'd gotten real big and then I lost weight and he was like good. You lost weight and I go Thanks. He goes. Yeah, because I saw you at that gym and I was like this guy's gonna die He's like thanks, man. Yeah, but and there's been other people that I kind of Detach from like really yeah in life because you don't want to get emotionally attached attached And it's not even I've known drug addicts that I didn't detach from

And I'm trying to think of like somebody like Ralphie May. Yeah, like I could have been closer to Ralphie May Or what's the other guy ramp Ramsay? Oh Yes, Ramsey the big the real big the real yeah, I just knew something was up So I'd always be pleasant with him when I saw him And I'd always be a surprise when he was alive. Yes And he was huge. He was huge and and the day he died this might sound I just knew it was coming. There's there's it was unsustainable. Of course when when people get up to that like

Over four and five hundred pounds. You just know. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's not gonna be a it's not gonna be a shock Yeah, yeah, yeah My favorite Ramsey's story is that sickler said He was I think he was walking maybe up to the store or something and Ramsey was like Ryan And Ryan's like what he goes I haven't seen you at the gym, man Slipping and he was like you're fucking telling me that You have 500 pounds, man He's like man, if if a guy that is telling you you're slipping you really gotta get your shit together

Yeah, I I love Ramsey, man. He's just a pleasant person to be around of course, but it's like damn this is You know, you know, dude, I mean, I know I feel terrible for At that size because you realize that like that person doesn't have That the brakes, you know, I mean, there's no brakes where they go. No brakes. Yeah, where they go. All right Let's turn this around right but and everybody's not made to live forever Like I'm not like a really like even when my father died. I was like, all right He's dead He was around for the years that I needed him now

I gotta use all the lessons that he gave me to just continue on with life like I never like Like I know with life comes death. So I'm not really like the person that's gonna cry for a bunch of days or something like that Were you close with my dad? Yeah. Yeah, because it's funny like when I when I moved from New York to here, right? And when I moved back to New York to drive all my stuff back to LA I was here like a bunch of months Then I went back to New York To get my stuff and drive it back and I found this New Yorker magazine

My mother used to get him from this these rich people. She used to babysit their kid and in the magazine There was an article and the guy was like He didn't know how to talk to his grandfather, you know, and uh He it'll always be awkward when he was around his grandfather. So then he would just like leave You know in those conversations like when you around the person that you should be closer to But it's uncomfortable. So then you just get out of the situation or the vicinity So you don't have to be uncomfortable, but this guy in this article was like

uh His grandfather he doesn't he his grandfather was his link to his great grandfather and The great grandfather's father just he knew the history of his family Right and the only way to know the history of his family Was through this last link who was his grandfather So he just said he decided to kill the uncomfortableness to learn stuff about his family just start asking His fam his grandfather questions questions And his grandfather was happy to answer them and it brought them closer together

And they had a great relationship And and then I started doing that with my father and he was happy to answer all these questions And and then we got closer like it was never awkward calling him And now just I always I always have a question that I want to ask him About his brothers my uncles and like growing up in jamaica when there was like no electricity and all that shit Yeah, and like him getting to england and I'll meet my moms and all that I tried the same thing with my mom She's like no, no, she didn't answer shit. Really? She act like I was taping the conversations and trying to have something No

She's like why do you keep asking these questions? She's like Patting me down. Yeah, she's not as old now wait your father. Did he meet your mother in the uk in england or no, so They I think I told you before they had this colonization in reverse Okay, where jamaican people or anybody from a colony that england used to control Would move to england to get jobs So my mother and father knew each other based on what my father told me in jamaica They just knew each other Then they moved to england separately and then they ran into each other

And then right started hooking up and got married and all that and this is when your dad was like everything's iry was like There Back there It's hilarious The uh, by the way, you've visited did you ever live in canada? You never lived in canada, right? I visited canada this um This came in and I did not know what was going on at first, but i'm gonna show you uh this video Of a guy

Well, I'll just play it and then we can talk about it. All right. You're under arrest for assault You're under arrest guys. This is a citizen's arrest day from dave's no frills You are under arrest for assault two counts You have the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law Okay, okay. I have to take this man to custody. I have to yeah I have to catch him in my face. Okay. He's now in custody No, you're not going anywhere. No, you're you're under arrest. I said

first of all just The balls to be like I've arrested you Like I must sit like who actually thinks you can you know, I have to touch you And then he goes all right now. You're under arrest And canada is getting really american. Yeah, I know right? I was like damn though the american balls of that canadian To tell another canadian. Yeah that you're under arrest and you have to come with me come with me

That is I've arrested you. I mean that attitude is just going to get everybody killed. Oh, absolutely And he's like and he's like I'm taking you into custody to custody where you taking me more. Yeah, man You don't you don't have cuffs. What are you talking about? Do you have a mom and pops prison? Can we franchise can we open up our own? This is crazy. This is citizen's arrest for assault times two times two. Okay. Thank you citizen's arrest Dave you're not going anywhere. I look at my face No, you're under arrest Oh, no, Dave this is citizen's arrest

Hey, you guys saw it hit me twice I had to defend myself against this guy. You are under arrest Dave right here glasses black pants black shoes Gray hoodie black and yellow. Hey citizen's arrest He's not going anywhere till the cops get here. Let's see how this turns out. Yeah You are in custody. Do you understand? He's not in custody. You are in custody And he's trying to put me under arrest I already I already have I've arrested this man citizen's arrest. I've already arrested this man. I've arrested this man You can see on my cell phone

Stay here No, and you don't know this but you're under arrest right now I have you in custody. Well, tom. I have Re under arrested you wait. What? Yes Am I in custody? You're in you're in my custody. I'm commandeering the studio As a prison to arrest you bro. So right now I'm in a cell Yes, you're in a cell, but this is what you're gonna do You I need you to finish the podcast with me as under and if you do a good job

I might unarrest you and I just could re-arrest you can we get lunch, please? Oh, shit. Yeah, it's a good idea Okay, you're a model prisoner I just made a citizen's arrest. Yeah, you can fuck off leave him alone back off. Oh you leave him alone. He's in custody right now He's got this too Nope, get out of here in his face. You get out of here. He's in he's in my custody get out of here back off Back off Back off sir. You're under arrest for assault. You're under arrest for assault. He arrested somebody else Under arrest for assault. You are under arrest for assault. You are now in custody

What uh, what is uh I'm trying to find a word what Uh Is the limit for assault? Yeah, that's it. That's interesting and honestly We need like a legal person here to break it down because I always get confused with Like is battery you have to like hurt somebody but assault like if I touch your arm You could be like you just assaulted me. Yeah, because people will say that like he assaulted me and they just touched right like What does it say here assault and battery exists on both the what tort law context criminal law context and

Active physical violence assault reverse refers to the act Which causes a victim to apprehend imminent physical harm while battery refers to the Act causing the physical harm. Okay. This is just embarrassing to white people. I just have to tell you It is there are videos that are embarrassing to black people embarrassing to latin people embarrassing to all race This is just embarrassing. These are grown ass men and they're grown ass white Grown ass white men. I'm sure they got kids. So you you're under arrest you assaulted me You are in my custody. Yeah, and they're filming it and feeling like This is gonna vindicate their side of the story. That's completely ignorant like this

That's the best part of shit. The best part isn't he's like Thankfully thankfully i'm documenting this like he thinks he's really like wait till everybody sees how I did the right thing When I hit them with this evidence. Yeah on you in trouble, bro. Well, here's the last video and you'll never believe what happens Sir both these guys And he's just like you're crazy i'm taking you to jail And you don't have to see me. Hey guys Guys, all right, I made a And I like that he's actually telling cops he's like no, you don't understand. I already made a citizen's arrest

So that's fucking hilarious. You should be doing something because I already said That guy's in custody right now That guy that guy has no ego whatsoever Uh, how did they know to arrest the right guy? That's what I want to know. How did they call it? I think the description probably they think because he was just like You'll see one guy here without a mask who's kind of being a dick and they're like, I think we got him That's pretty fucking all right. Well, we got to balance things out if we're gonna just like, you know, mock white people It's just not going to be fair. All right

Oh I don't even know if it's that embarrassing action. I don't mean either mean either. I mean what else is he got to do? Yeah, you know, he's got his Loose shorts and his big dick and he's swinging it around. This is an ad. I mean I think you could get passed at the store with this. Yeah You could at least get on a supernova I This is my closer at supernova

I mean, dude, he uh It's also so aggressive. Look at that face Hey, I mean I mean Thrustin Thrustin he's focused, bro Yeah, I mean, this is kind of like maybe in this village. This is like This is like the equivalent of like showing your feathers. You know, yeah, like a peacock going like like this He's like check this out. It's almost like a human shake weight. Yeah the way he's just vibrating like that That's definitely a big dick

No question just in case anybody in the village Was not knowing you know now You know now who's got a big dick. Yeah Let's keep the uh racial theme rolling Wonder what race we're going to Now we're gonna combine white and black And um, you might I want to know your take on whether you you ever feel like

Like a white guy, especially like an old white guy Is like You know Like looking at you or you know like checking you out and you're like the fuck are you looking at man? Like I don't know. Does that ever happen in a store or in public where You just feel a white guy has taken it upon himself to be like The guardian of the place and is like are you supposed to be here? I don't know. I feel like black people might yeah I grew up with like

A type of complex. I'm trying to get rid of where it It's like because on the news every night like black people are criminals. Yes. It's like I'm trying to prove That I'm not yeah, so like I'll walk into a store with my hands up You know what I mean? And I'll ask the clerk could you could you put that on the counter for me some Money in my pocket you take whatever you want and I lose money all the time Over pain just to prove that we are not all criminals like but you know, I've been institutionalized by the system

You know, so yeah, I like I'm always conscious to not To not do anything That looks criminal even though I'm I'm not and this really is in your like this is in your head a lot Yeah, yeah, it's in my head a lot. Yeah. Yeah So like the don't don't assume that I'm A bad guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because that's all you know, that's it's been it's been printed So I'm just trying to get that shit out. That makes that actually that makes a lot that makes a lot of sense to me

It is Especially if you you know, you lived in new york, right? But like in a lot of like suburban america Where like there's white people who don't even They don't have daily interactions with black people They're the ones who are just like they're watching that news being like gosh Yeah, when when I when I first moved here, I was like 17 right new york in long island and I like I you don't you're learning the world like you you're learning this new country and uh

I so I started working at this burger king And I was like one of the few black guys there like I got another homie Like a job there But my brother used to work there and got me a job there then he left and then there's one other homie We all went to the same high school You know, so in long island in long we went to union del high school But we worked at the burger king in east meadow. Okay, so But normally it'd be like one of us a shift or two of us a shift

And it's all white people and and we cool. We got along with them But what I remember the white kids tell me You're not like other black guys, right? And then Years later hit me. It's like They didn't know any other black guys, right? It's the news. Yeah. Yeah. They only knew black people from the news so their Assessment of black people was just based on what the news put out every night. So so when they said that

I think they were like I wasn't robbing them, right? You know what I mean, right? Right, right, right, but I didn't know at the time. They didn't even know at the time At the time, how did you take it? You're like, oh, okay. I was dumb enough to take it as a compliment at the time to be honest You're like, thanks. Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not like those. Yeah, not like those other black guys But I didn't know any better. It's stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah Oh Just what is he come pulled behind my car for he was just right here, but now he pulled behind my car But now he want to pull off

A problem I'm talking to you now. Take your old ass on some mother. Fuck you. Fuck you die some motherfucking wet, bitch Fuck you, bitch. Go on some motherfucking. Well, you old ignorant ass. Fuck you. Take your ass on some one. I'm recording this You think I care you what is your body? I fucking care What is your problem? What is your problem? You're pulling up on me? Oh, motherfucker now take your old ass on you motherfucker. Go ahead man. Go ahead. I like how why you got the rest of I like how the old white guy is trying to out Yeah black the the black guy like the the the black guys

Old motherfucker. Yeah, it's just it's zing. Oh, yeah, you know, it's clean. It's clean And he's like the white guy's like Trying to put something like that's not Stay in your lane. Yeah. Yeah Stay in your lane. You don't these words don't normally come out of your mouth. Yeah. Yeah, you're trying. Yeah, yeah It's not you can't just take over a game. No, it's day. No your day Instead of being so fucking easy. Look at you. You're despicable You call yourself a fucking human

You call yourself a fucking human. Why don't you kiss my fucking dad? Now I'll say this he does say that a lot He says kiss my dick all the time That's why it sounded good coming out of him He put he put a he put a good Set of insults together. Yeah to make one. Yeah kiss my dick kiss my dick. That should that should go national That should be his face on a billboard. Yes, my dick. Yes, my dick. Oh mad. That's hilarious Dude, yeah, that really stuck with me though that you said that the um, just that uh

That they're like, oh, you're like, you're not like the other guys, you know And then at the time you don't even know. Yeah, I'm like young. I was just like happy to be when you come like I have no I'm learning like to communicate with people right in in in american way in a new country Even the black people are not the same type of black people as I am right So any compliment i'm taking sure at the time Was that how much of an that's interesting because I got I saw this in um south florida where

american black people And and there was a big like You know kind of disconnect Between american black people in like miami, let's say and like islanders. Yeah, you know patients and and like Separate and a lot of times, you know not getting along But do you experience that? Or did mean did you get along with american black people in new in new york or you got like Yeah, let me tell you something school

And I some somebody else wrote this but I wrote it also and I now realize somebody else wrote this or maybe I think somebody else wrote school was like jail bro Really in the sense that segregated segregated like even in the lunch room is the jamaican table Then the cambodian table then the latin table then there's the The football player table then the cheerleader table and they would get to hang out with the and then there was the Track team, but then if you there's the jamaican people on the track team So then they get along with the american football players and the and the thing

But when you when I walked in that lunch room mess hall Yeah, same thing It's just like in if you went to prison you just join your group and then they would accept you because you Everybody's glad to get more numbers added to their group. Right. Right. You know what I mean and then uh, we used to I think i might have told you we used to get into fights With like black americans, we call them yankees You know, so every black american was a yankee. So You know, you know, I'll be chilling jamaican homie would come up to me and say, yo

We got to fight with the yankees after school and i'm like nigga, there's 10 of us The whole school is filled with yankees. Who's setting up these fights and who can't count this is bullshit. We're gonna die But I gotta show up because I don't show up then. Yeah, then I don't even have 10 jamaican friends Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean, but it's like they're being the woods after nervous and hoping we'll talk our way Everybody will talk and not fight but jamaican is very like, you know, we like Like like prideful or like we go for it. So we could sometimes scare them out of wanting to fight us

So if they're looking at 10 jamaican dudes who are not backing down, you're like, these motherfuckers are crazy Yeah, yeah, exactly. So then you know, like a little skirmisher here and they would break out But you guys talked a good game like at least like, uh, but we would fight if we had to yeah You know, I remember one time I got into a fight with this quarterback from uh The football team yankee yankee We shared the soccer season and football season was the same time

That's right. Yeah, so I'd see him in the locker room and we had one class together and one day He I guess I was sitting with my foot across the aisle and he just walked through it And uh, he was huge too and I I got up and I shoved him and and I think he punched me and I went down and came right back up And then I'd been watching wrestling And I just like I could dropkick him because I've been watching wrestling

Never tried to dropkick anybody before Didn't know wrestling was fake Every time somebody did it on tv it worked. Yeah, so I wouldn't this work for me and you went to dropkick Yeah, I went to dropkick him. I probably Both feet probably touched his belt Then I hit the floor again harder than when he knocked me to the ground And then people jumped in and broke it up But then we went to the principal's office

And we both was like yeah nothing but afterwards You know Jamaicans my homies they heard about it and they said yo, we're gonna fight them after school you're like this big and I'm like I got three-day suspension. I don't want to go to school anyway. Let's not fight them. Yeah, so I had to talk them out of Not out of the revenge fight, but it was like but they were just down, you know, there's a lot of fighting at this school It can happen. Yeah, it could happen. Yeah. Yeah, it was just But you had to ride because those were your boys, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah

Damn, dude. It was hilarious, man Yeah, I mean I'm trying to think I got the the most like like scuffles and shit I got into was in public school in milwaukee for public school in milwaukee. Yeah, yeah But it was it milwaukee is a very segregated city. Yeah. Yeah very it's like still considered one of america's most Well, people don't know that most segregated cities Damn, and so they would bus kids in you know inner city kids and then black kids latin kids and Yeah, there was a lot of like like you said like a very much Lunch was like black table white table. That's just how it was. Yeah, and it's those tables and then there's the groups like there's the golf table

Yep, and then there's the you could tell what type of music people were into Based on their table. Sure and how they were dressed. Yeah, it was just it was just so Funny to walk in there. That's what I loved sports for because sports were the great equalizer Then you ended up like actually integrating with certain people. Yeah. Yeah, you know because I played football and that and so like you just be The kids that Wanted to fight you the year before now you're on the same. Oh, you're on the same team and then it brings you all together. Yeah Yeah, so it's cool. You play football. Yeah, uh american football Not my football

Even when I played soccer I played with some latin americans and south americans And I remember I forgot the dude's name, but he'd always get us into fights. So like hey, man, we're at their school Now we're running to the bus and the whole school is chasing us to the bus like what the What the fuck are you doing?

Was it a south american guy? It's a south american dude. Yeah, he got us into a couple fights like yeah like during games and after games You know and and I think it's partly because we sucked as a soccer team sure our coach Was the baseball coach making some money on the side coaching soccer and he knew nothing about soccer so that's hilarious if we're losing and And I can't I don't want to say the wrong name and homey is frustrated And we just and he was just fiery anyway, then we just get into fights And we have a team plus whoever's watching the game We got to get to the bus

That's after we got our ass worked on the field. We had um, I got uh In a fight at a basketball game. Oh, in high school where uh, I was on jv. This is like freshman year or sophomore year and um, this dude That's guarding me. Uh-huh. He keeps doing like hard elbows To rebound and I told him I go if you do that one more time like I'm gonna fuck you up And so we run back down the court back down this time. He does it again this time when he turns I shove him from behind So he goes face down to the hardwood

and The whole you know the ref sees it clearly Teased me up and he's like get the fuck out of here and then You know the the crowds like all fired up about it. Mm-hmm. They they debate whether or not when the game is over to do The handshakes, you know, like your good game good game thing They're like, we should probably keep it set and then they say they think we should and they start throwing punches In the line. So then it turns into a whole a whole Skirmish and then and it was all on me like I was

I was the reason for it Congratulations. Yeah Yeah, and they were like, man, I don't know if you have the right Disposition for this. Oh, man. Yeah, you know, I love basketball. That guy deserved it though Yeah, 100% 100% and just like a true ref that ref could probably coach and ref in the NBA because they always catch Yeah, the second retaliation not the you know, look how many times that dude elbowed you Yeah, man, and he was like he was doing this wasn't like boxing out hard. He was he was just like throwing elbows into ribs

Right, you know, you're like the fuck man And he did it like four or five times to the point where I was like, all right, man I'm gonna fucking Faceplant you into this hardwood floor right now. Fuck it. He deserved it. Yeah, it's funny. I was watching the euros yesterday So there was a game with France versus uh, Germany, it's a huge game and uh

one of the German players He's garden Pogba. Who's a who's a pretty fantastic player skill wise And uh, so he this is Pogba's back. He's behind him bites him on the back and then grabs two hands of titties on him in the middle of the game Because his teammate was about to pass in the ball and Pogba's like what the fuck and the referees called a foul on Pogba

And Pogba's arguing with the referee wondering why until In a slow motion they show you and I put it on my instagram But it was so everybody posted it like somebody biting you on your back during the game. Yeah, but it's like Worse than a hard bite. It was like a love nibble. Yeah, and then he grabs your titties Like he felt he just felt him up like a stripper. Yeah, we got to see this. Yeah, I definitely got to see this And I was like It was just weird And the guy who did it his name Rudiger was wearing a mask

Is it on your in your feed? No, I was in the stories. I was in the stories. It might be in the stories still I don't know if it's there. Does it sit here? Oh, yeah Oh my god So wait explain to me the guy who's biting who's doing the biting is who? His name is Rudiger. He's placed for germany Okay, and the the guy in the blue is Pogba. It's Pogba and he's france and he plays with france. So then he Does that bite like a little nibble and then squeezes his tits and then like What the fuck man that is pretty now. Who is the there was the big biter who he has had multiple bites. Oh, that's uh

Is it Luis Suarez? Yes Suarez. Yes Suarez. His bites. Yeah, his bites are wild. No, you're one. You're one. Yeah And he played in la liga. Yeah. Yeah his bites. Look at you write bites And he was like he was like He had like an old bite and then he when he had a More recent bite that he was like no, I didn't they're like you have a lie abiding me lies. That's all you do is bite he's like Yeah, he's left his dental work all over the leagues in uh in in socket. He was like no, I did. I mean

He bit that dude But he's had more aggressive All his bites is that what this says all bites Go go full screen on it. Can you yeah, because he bit like a chelsea player too. Yeah, he's when he played for Liverpool Multiple people and here's making up with the guy That's funny Like I didn't mean to bite you there. Oh here it is. Here's the one against the Ivana bitch. Yeah

Did you see it in the corner? Yeah, I mean come on holding it there. He's like, uh, just get a quick bite in here Insane it's it's pretty insane. That's insane, man it's like you just you just blacked out and just And then he acts like you didn't do nothing. Yeah, he's like, I didn't do anything It's dude your teeth are right here here in my skin. You know this game. This is gonna be another bite right here, right? Let me see

Yeah, he just bit that dude right there Yeah, and then he pretends the guy hit him. Yeah Amazing amazing. He's a serial. Yeah, then he's like, oh my face my teeth hurt Dude and and the other thing is this is a an elite player like he's a he's one of the I would kind of say he's one of the of in the in the last generation of goal scorers. Yeah, he's up there So we're talking about like an elite level. Yeah, he's plays with Messi. Yeah, he used to play with Messi He just won La Liga on another team after he left Barca Who won La Liga this time?

Athletical Madrid. Okay. The other Madrid. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, dude. I mean you clearly like biting's your thing, bro That's it's so it's so nutty. Yeah, like why would you just Want to bite another sweaty dude? For him, it's got to be it's um Like I got to do something. You know, I mean that that feeling of like Uh, I'm I'm losing and I need I need to act out, you know, some people throw a punch or something But he goes he goes to biting obviously, but that's so weird. It's like, you know, you're gonna get in trouble for it Yeah, there's cameras everywhere. What happened the last few times you bit. Yeah, you you got in trouble, right?

You got a lot of trouble. So why would you? They have even they add more cameras every season the guy that gets like six duis And you're like, didn't that fucking suck the first five times and they're like I don't know man. Like the guy that can't help himself I even understand duis more because You're addicted to the alcohol. Okay, but what about the guy who has like, you know, eight carjacking charges? You know what I mean? Like he's just like you're like, dude, you keep going to jail. Love jail. You love jail I don't like cars, man. Maybe just wants the day off the week off the week off because you're gonna get suspended

This is insane though. It's pretty as far as with the but is he still playing? Is he still? Yeah, he just won La Liga with Letico with Athletico. So he's on Like break now because the season's over. I didn't realize how hard core of a soccer fan you are. Yeah Yeah, you're getting up at five. I am to watch international. Yeah. Yeah, yeah And you're a big man united fan big man united. It's even in your instagram bio It says a and I was comic man united fan. Yeah, I forgot that was there. Oh, that's funny. Yeah Barely have comic there. Yeah, I mean you're like fuck this whole comedy comedy thing. Yeah, damn, dude Yeah, that's

You're all in. Yeah, man. Fuck it. It is what it is and um What's the state of La Liga because For me, it's always been like, you know peripheral thing where I go. Oh, yeah Who did who did you when you so you lived in I lived in Madrid for six months and who did you follow? Well, I let it go real or somebody else. No real Madrid real Madrid. Yeah I love Madrid. Yeah, who was who was playing for them when you was dude. This is uh, this is year 2000 I'm trying to remember who the the big star was then there was a couple was it like international stars at that time Was it like Zidane? Was it then come was it Figo? Well, all those guys were active at that time. I'm trying to remember who was

Let's see. Is that the roster there soccer team 2000 Um, I put my glasses on the sea. Yeah Cassius was the goalkeeper. Okay, Raul was Raul. Yeah, that feels right I thought they had another like huge, uh, brazilian at that time too. Probably Ronaldo. Yeah, Ronaldo the first Ronaldo the very first one Original, but it looks like he's not on the two. What if you type in uh, Real Madrid 2000 roster? And just actually see the Um should be a list right there underneath Yeah, that one. Yeah

Players See hit number two there. All right, so there's the squad Um, Michelle so Roberto Carlos He was pretty huge Now is the 2000 does this let me make sure this is right scroll up. Did they They won the the cup right the european cup. Yeah, they won the champions league the champions league. Yeah that year, right? Yeah It's a very pleasant ring tone

Yeah, it gets louder and annoying and shit. I feel like that ring tone fits into your thing about like black eyes aren't all threatening, you know It's even my even my ring tone. I feel like an old white lady would have the same ring tone You like answer up man. I'm not doing anything here. See you hear my ring tone. You hear my ring tone This ring tone would not hurt anybody Yeah, okay. Well, I guess I don't reckon. I mean those don't feel like superstar names. Well, we're about to Carlos was huge and salado and missy Uh, it was

Herrera was defender Hmm Raul was huge. Steve McManaman was was X Uh, Liverpool players say he's huge. Yeah, Raul Clarence Seedoff was dutch and he's fucking he's a monster like skill wise Yeah, and uh Gootie was really fucking good Yeah, that team was the shit I guess because They won it all. Yeah. Yeah Um, I remember what I remember more was going to that there's like a plaza

You know, all the teams have a plaza in these in the european cities like when they win you go here, right? And so we went there. I went there after a number of games, but when they won the cup Dude like it felt like the whole city was at that And then the fucking tanks came out with the water hoses You know like a full out to help celebrate or to disperse to disperse Yeah, because they got it got overwhelming, you know, like the cars couldn't drive down the street It was it was pretty it was right in the center of Madrid too. Right. Yeah, and then When they're then they did the shotgun bags like the pellets

Shoot people with those. Yeah, because people got wild, you know, people got wild Like what were they doing like hanging from shit breaking shit hanging from like, you know, typical laker celebration that kind of thing But this is like a 800 year old Oh, yeah, yeah statue with waterfalls and they're like swinging from it and these guys are like Just shoot people. You're like, let's get the fuck out of here, man. Yeah, I was like, I don't even know who's on the team But it was fun. It was fun, man. Did you go to any games? No I was just like, you know, I ended up you end up watching games because it's just like, you know, what to do It's like the thing. It's like if you're here and the lakers are in the playoffs. You're gonna watch a

Lakers game. So but I remember that it it interested me in in La Liga because You know, it was everything. So when I came back here, I started, I mean Not unlike a lot of people watching Like a lot of classical and right, right, you know Just following Real Madrid and Barcelona a lot because they're like these two super teams, you know, right and Yeah, it feels like that That

Era is now starting to come to an end though, right? Because yeah, yeah those guys like Cristiano's like 36 or something now and Messi's got to be around there or something Yeah, Messi's like maybe two years behind him and Cristiano moved to Juventus. Yes. Now. He's in he's in Italy. Yeah, but uh He's still super dominant though. Yeah, he's he's playing in the euros now Yeah, and uh, he scored Is it in playing turkey? Mm-hmm and he missed a sitter In the middle of the game. Mm-hmm and

It's funny because there's a lot of stars on Portugal And the stars the players have one more than the coach so he The game was zero zero. It's a game. Portugal is supposed to win And they cut to the coach on the sideline Talked to his two guys like he's like, I don't know who to sub they're all gonna be pissed at me

And if they get pissed at me Then i'm gonna get fired. It was you didn't hear him say that. Yeah, but you could but that that's what like To be a coach in a position where you can't sub anybody out Because you're scared because you're scared. That's that's not a good position to be It's not a great position to be in and then I was like, let me pull Bernardo Silva because sometimes his coach from his team pulls him and then he pulled him and then Somehow they there was an accidental ricochet Portugal went up one and then ronaldo relaxed and he scored two right after

So then ronaldo scored two goals and they were good and they were good. Who'd they play? They beat Hungry is this like qualifying stuff? Yeah, it's you're just trying to get out the group stage to get into the knockout round. Okay. Yeah I mean, do you have because you know in the big thing here like in sports that everyone's always like, you know, who's better? Who's better sometimes it becomes clear like everybody most people would kind of Unless you're a complete fucking idiot Acknowledge that Brady's the greatest quarterback we've ever had

Um The endless debate that you hear is obviously lebron and jordan, right? But there's also that's different era stuff But I've heard and you know, I'm not well versed enough to know But do you have a hard line opinion on christiano or messi as the better player? uh So I like real madrid, but I like I like Barcel and I like my boss. I'm a man united fan

And ronaldo played for man united then we sold into real madrid And i'm a real madrid fan because a lot of Man united players ended up ended up there, right? But I do think Messy is a little bit better Not by much really. Yeah. Yeah. Just skill skill wise just a notch above just a notch above and a little less selfish So I like the The selflessness

Which is a degree more of selflessness which goes to messy because messy will track back and tackle You know how jordan was not only the best scorer Yes, but he was defensive player the year incredible incredible like i'm not saying messy would defend like that But sometimes you track back and defend and help pressure and win the ball back. I feel like Rinaldo Would do that but most of the time he's like, yo, we're the fucking ball at y'all get it to me Yeah, and he'll get you the results, but right, you know, so i'm more for the person who I did watch that documentary on Uh barcelona like on their whole organization and the junior league. It's an incredible. Yeah, lamasia. Yeah. Yeah, that that's fucking crazy

Right, like what they built is insane. Yeah. Yeah, essentially You know, it's a factory their own factory of like find the world's best young talent develop them and then Take them to this team that like plays Incredible, I mean just incredible and then they break down the way they play Right, like they're like there's a style of play here And how because they've played together since they were like teens. Yeah, it's like the shorthand is just Just put them right into the to the squad the same way just the the main squad plays. Yeah, it's pretty it's pretty fascinating Yeah, yeah, they're amazing, man

um Yeah, there's nothing I don't know nothing like that. Um, I'm gonna show you um We we play this because you know, you have an accent um You're I do I talk normal No, no We play master of accents master of accents and we try to like sometimes

Play a clip and I go do you understand what this guy's saying? You're like, yeah, I totally just got an accent But sometimes it's like it's hard to break it down. So Just tell me if if this is something you can understand or not You have seen a lot of changes. Mr. Fitzpatrick in farming What would you say was the biggest change? Was machinery And what sort of a machine Would you think that made the biggest impression?

When the reaper and binder's a great one But by god the one for causing up the ground and throwing a crop is supposed to want to Oh, so first of all, I couldn't even understand the guy who was asking the question. Okay, so that's Good, that's why I know I was in trouble. Okay And so I was like oh his answer. You did not get it all right. Yeah, I've heard machinery I heard machinery too, and that was about it. Yeah, do we get a do over? Do we yeah, we can do it again here Let's do it again. You have seen a lot of changes. Mr. Fitzpatrick in farming What would you say was the biggest change?

Was machinery machine. Okay. And what sort of a machine Would you think that made the biggest impression? When the reaper and binder's a great one But by god the one for causing up the ground and throwing a crop is supposed to want to That's another language, bro man The end when he said that's a I think he said that's a powerful bunch of them But everything that was like the stood that the last sentence that's a power

Sound like he said but there's a powerful bunch of them and then And then let me see if he talks more here What was the the reaction of the people at that time to the more machinery? The great money boom went in it. I could afford it, but the more What happened? And some of them I think you told me Wouldn't have it on the land at all. Well, I had a good father, but I said it was over town's land He wouldn't have loaded in it

It's crazy that he's not drunk It's hilarious. He's sober. He's a hundred and seven years old in this video. Are you being for real? He's a hundred and seven Really? You know, you know what's funny About this too. It's the fact that you know, you know in school. They teach you Shakespeare. Yeah, and it's supposed to be English Yes, and you can't understand it. Yeah, maybe that's what he's saying He's he's speaking like Shakespeare or whatever Language you spoke whatever version of English. Yeah, you spoke a hundred years. That's what he's ago

That's what he's speaking. Yeah, that's happened to me when I met these Scottish guys at a show and they're like chat me up Oh, you know big fans and and as they're talking I go Isn't it crazy that like the language that I speak is from where you live? Yeah, I don't know what the fuck you're saying at all and they laughed, you know, but I was like, I don't know what you're saying man like Can you write it down? And it's funny that you're honest with them. Oh, yeah. Yeah How do you think that the reaper who compares with the combine at the present time? Well, there's an awful difference. They're awfully different and not a whole different safety anywhere

Because the combine this is good in one it starts a bit here Is it for reaper unbinding wouldn't be in a week? You know how that really does sound like Gaelic or some shit like German or some shit. Yeah, you know how I told you uh You know, you know, it was I was it was awkward talking to my father. So I'd ask him questions Like if my father sounded like this, I would never I would I would have just Not spoke to him We would have never I would have never learned anything about him. Yeah, if you were like dad

tell me about What was it like growing up without electricity? When the reaper invited the great one But by god the one for crossing up the ground and throwing a crop is supposed to want to and you're like, all right, dad I gotta go. It's hilarious. If this guy Was sober and got pulled over in america. The cops would arrest them. Oh, yeah, they wouldn't even give him the The breathalyzer riding test Now you're drunk. Meanwhile, he's just never drank in his life. No, he just sounds like this

He's a hundred and seven By the way Did your dad say that growing up like that was it like It just was normal, right? Yeah, it was just normal Like sometimes like even when I was growing up in jamaica like sometimes you'd have no electricity And sometimes you would And it's sometimes the power companies fought sometimes Maybe you didn't pay the bill. Sometimes the power company would just shut it all off

Really, I don't know if it was a reboot thing and then it turned the shit back on but then it were you in kainston now I was in uh st. Catherine like Church pen old harbor. Okay, and then I also lived in spanish town. Are these all like coastal? Not well or interior. I mean It's funny like I I grew up a lot in st. Catherine in church pen, right? You pull that up Yeah, so it's another parish. They don't say states. They say parishes. Yeah, so uh, so then

then there's st. Catherine And I think kinkston is after like not There's another parish maybe and then kinkston or I got I'm this is terrible. I'm gonna get killed But let me see. Okay. It's been a minute. I would go to the map But old harbor Was not far from where I love where you can see the that yeah, yeah Yeah, kinkston's right there. Yeah, st. Andrews which kinkston is in okay st. Catherine's right next to it. Yeah, yeah

Okay, and then are you like near the water or more interior like up? So here's a funny thing so How do I describe this? So maybe you could walk to old harbor Which is like an hour walk And then there's old harbor bay So It was kind of coastal

But I didn't know how close it was until like I went back as an adult and my cousin Who I used to live with we used to grew up together He built a house And he built like a balcony And then we went up to the balcony and like to see the ocean I was like all this time the ocean was right there. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had no idea how close Seriously, that shit was so you weren't going to the beach like no, no, no, like it was an event

Wow to go to the beach. Yeah, okay. Yeah, because like you had no transportation to get around there. So he's just like Wow, you know I was young and I had no car But you live there till you're 17. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah That's impressive. I had no idea how close I was to the beach. That's funny and you're really close man. Yeah. Yeah Actually, you know, you know what's actually similar to that is living in LA Because you'll do like a you can do a thing, you know when especially when you move here Or someone's like they take you there

You'll just go to the beach and like, yeah, you go to malibu or wherever you check it out and then You get into like just life mode, you know Work and you're dating and you're doing things and you're going out and all of a sudden you can be like man like Someone will come to town. Do you want to go to the beach and you're like, oh, yeah Like the beat I haven't been there in nine months But the beach is like a 15 minute drive or whatever, you know, and you you forget that it's right there You forget that it's right there. You take it for granted. Yeah like uh

during uh Whenever like you said when somebody comes to visit Then you do all the Torah shit. Yes And and then it gets you kind of back into an appreciation of LA. Yeah, and then uh Like Hermosa Beach, right? Yeah Like I met somebody down there. You're doing comedy magic No, not even like for covet like I went to the beach, but I go to hacky beach like yeah venice. Yeah

Malibu. Yeah, you know all that shit, right and then somebody Was in town and they said meet them down at Hermosa And I met them down there and I was like, oh, shit this shit slaps I'm like, why wasn't I coming down here the entire pandemic? Like the whole pandemic down there hits different. It definitely does and it's like these people were like Careful, but they was living the life. There was the beach life. South Bay is the shit. Yo, bro I swear to god like two to three times a week. I'm in Hermosa right now. Really? I swear I just dragged this comic down there named Rocco

He didn't want to go as I'm he wants to hang out. So let's go to Hermosa He's like Talking himself out of it. That's it. Listen, just think about it for 20 minutes and hit me back And we went down there Sunday We he's like so when we going back. Yeah, that's that shit is well We live we lived in redondo beach for years and that was the fucking one of the things was that the beach was a 10 minute walk from where we lived and so sometimes we would go down there and even if it was like

20 minutes to just sit and look at the ocean. Yeah, but also that beach is like not a Highly sought after beach, right? It feels like a private beach sometimes. Yeah, like just open to you I remember I did Christina's podcast one time down there. You weren't there or I didn't know if you had different podcasts at the time Yeah, maybe I was gone or something. Yeah. Yeah, and I did it. Yeah, and then I spent more time Like I When I saw the beach when I was on my way to the podcast I said, I didn't know this was down here. Yeah, and this and this was like over a decade ago or whatever

I said, I didn't know the shit was down here. Did the podcast And then I spent more time at the beach than I did doing the podcast like I stuck around. Yeah. Yeah I was like, I gotta take this in. Oh, man. There's that it can la County is so enormous. Yeah, there's things that you can live somewhere. I mean, I lived here a decade before I knew that was there And then I'm living in redondo for a while before I accidentally drive to palace verde. Oh, what the fuck is this? Yo Jesus was there with a sundae and he's like, yo, there's a starbucks. It's on the bluff. You can see I said nigga Why didn't you tell me about the shit? I cursed him out like, you know all because he's from long beach And then his family like that this was their sundae to come to these spots. Yes and check it out

And he's like, I'm like, how are you holding out on this? Don't hold out on this, man Like like so sundae we supposed to go to palace verde's bro because he said there's this you could he told me I know exactly what he's talking about. Yeah, so I'm like You see me like gorgeous going crazy for this shit. Yeah, and you never told me man that there's a drive that you can take Into palace verde's that you feel like you're driving in a like on a movie set. You're like, what the fuck is that people live here? It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Yo, it's on on sundae bro. It's on. Yeah, I'll give you a spot to go. I bet. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I mean I mean look at that coastline man. That's crazy, man. That's right down there and it's free

It's free. It's that's the shit like you can drive down there and look around for free for free Yeah, look at that man. That's just crazy, bro That's only 28 million dollars. I think it says Fucking amazing. Yeah, it's pretty amazing, man um There's nothing like a good confrontation. So this is also I believe An irish confrontation. I'm gonna play for you right here. This I don't know who was how this started, but it gets it's pretty funny Hey, look at I thought it might be you. No, but it's not misunderstanding. You didn't say card. You said touch it

So why why shall I look at me like this? You said touch it. Oh, no, no, no, no, man Why shall I whatever? Why shall I tell you touch it because you must be gay or something? I don't know Listen, man. Don't use this word to me again. Then why why you tell me touch it? I'm giving you a explanation. I said touch the card You didn't mention you don't listen to my problem. You said touch it. You said you look to me like this. You said touch it Why why Listen, man I don't argue with you. Don't argue if you want to buy anything buy it. Okay, then don't be gay

That's all I'm saying. Don't be gay. Why are you being gay to your customers? There's a by the way, there's there's a culture and an age group of guy who they if you like you're gay It's there's no higher insult to him. This guy it offends every Like he's going back to where he's from and the fact that they probably like murder gay people and he's like He must be a hundred and seven years old, but but he could speak english. Yeah He adapted When he was like, don't be gay that guy he was like you do not use this word with me Like there's no greater insult. You could possibly give this guy. Why are you being gay?

Who who tell you you gay? Who tell you? I tell you Who tell you you gay? Listen, man, I smash your face in a minute if you use this word again If you use this word again, I smash your face. Why are you shouting? It's sad, but it's funny so The irish guy is fucking with him. I think so. Yeah. Yeah, and then uh the apparently where I don't know the agent what I aging guys from. Yeah is

Homophobic for sure for sure. So this is a huge insult. Yes, and he's Reacting he's reacting and and the irish guys just loving it and I was kind of knows that it's getting under his skin So he's like, all right. Just stop being gay. This is an episode of punk. Yeah for like regular motherfuckers. Yeah And he knows that he found the button Stop being gay man And once you find a button you can't stop No, if you know it's gonna be and especially if you know like You're not saying you're not like using a slur like uh, you know, I mean, you're not saying like a

horrific Buzzword that everyone's gonna be like can't believe you're saying that you just know You know that you're saying like something like hey, man, you're bald. You guys like fucking stop saying that. Yeah Why don't you say yeah when we're kids? Whatever our siblings demanded that we stop doing. Yes, that's exactly what we did exactly stop doing it means Do it do that shit. I mean, I have two young kids and that's exactly what they do to even to meet You know, that's why as soon as you're like, don't touch that and they're like this you know

This stop touching them Put that down. Don't go in my office. Maybe you're fucking hanging out my office. Stop going in my office And they're like, I'm in here. Yeah, they just all they do man. They just fuck with you So this is the adult version of your kids. Yeah. Yeah Why you being gay? Who who tell you you gay? Who tell you I tell you you gay? You said I smash your face in a minute if you use this word again If you use this word again, I smash your face. Why are you shouting? You saying again and again gonna do gay gay gay first. Remember when I

Why are you calling me gay? Why are you calling me gay? Because like I said, why are you telling me to touch it? I said touch the card. You didn't mention sad buddy. You didn't mention if you if you deaf That's not my problem. You're the one with headphones and you're not listening to me He's so angry dude. He's so angry. Yeah, he's got it. He's got him. He's got him This reminds me of like school when you're fucking with someone and you know, you got him, you know Like he just he hooked them on this and you could tell he's he's doing everything he can He's recording it too. Yes. So he's like this is gonna be fun. Yes to post. Yeah, you know

Like he's irish people love fucking with people. I got irish friends. They're funny as shit And he's got him. He's recording it. Yeah, and he's he's fucked with people before and he knows how and he's Yeah, he's also he's always gonna tell me all I did was telling me he was gay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look how fucking mad I just said don't be gay because he touched my hand. Yeah. Yeah What do you think I'm deaf? You've got headphones. I'm giving you answering your things I'm giving you answer your things You think I'm deaf you telling me to touch it top I'm not I'm not I'm not coming to the shop no more leader shop because you're too aggressive

Listen, you're too aggressive. You're too aggressive leave the shop. There you go. That's it Anyways, this guy's gay He's acting like he's he's in the closet. He is right like there could be nothing worse. Yes Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, if you would have if you want to smash someone's face for just being like you're gay. You might be gay. Yeah Yeah, if you're so hard against not being a thing Yeah, you might be that thing. Yeah, it's like all those You know evangelist preachers that are like homophobia homosexual acts

Are a spitting in the face of god and you like all this, you know, they just want gays wiped and then you find out Oh, he had a a guy in his hotel room and especially a guy who says spitting in the face of god Yeah, because because there ever be a gay phrase Then spitting in the face of god and it is That's the ultimate in homosexuality. That is that. Yeah This we played before you got here, but I think you'll enjoy it. This guy is well, I'll just show you I just have one thing to say if you're a gold digger

Can you try to go out with me? Don't bother. He's got a mattress living on love the affection and the loyalty I have to give you're not worth my time He's worried about gold diggers He's worried about the last thing he needs to worry about basically Exactly like bro. You're good. You're totally good. Yeah. Yeah You you the the woman who wants you has no ambition and that's what you need to worry about Like that it shows that you need to step your game up. Yeah. Yeah, this is this is

But his trigger is just being asked. Do you have a job? He's like, fuck you. Okay, you gold digging, bitch I just want to know if you're employed. Yeah. Yeah, that's all you care about his money. That's hilarious. Look at all. I mean It's just his whole vibe is fucking hilarious like maybe Maybe though we don't know his history right and that mattress against the wall that

There's only room for him to put it down at nighttime when he knows he doesn't have to walk around in the place Is because a gold digger got him. Yeah, and he's in this situation now Yeah, but Now you don't have to worry about gold diggers, bro. They took it all they took it all you you're you're just a broke guy now and uh Like gold diggers worry about you not having money. Yeah and trying to holler at them, right and you don't have it You don't got it. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I mean

Gold diggers are not a problem in your life You you would want To be at the stage you got to aspire for gold diggers to want you And to have to turn gold diggers down because this is Not at least the mattress is clean. I'll give him that That is clean unlike you see birts mattress that he posted. No. Oh, yes Uh, I mean what the fuck? That's your boy

Used to be It's so gnarly man. Look at look at that. Look at that. What? Is is he using hair dye? Yeah Rogaine and dye and stuff. Yeah I'm like, but I don't think he's using it on his chest and his legs I mean, what is gold? Is that the alcohol seeping out of him at night? I Could be could be good crosslet. I couldn't even like it

No, it's so disgusting like I tell you one thing his wife is safe like There's nobody He's gonna like, you know, you know girls will sleep with anybody, right? Especially if they have like a little something Yeah, and his wife is safe. I think so. I think I'll she should feel like he's like no one wants that either You know, I mean, yeah, she she doesn't have to worry about yeah, he's cock blocking himself He's in love right like a guy that will cock block himself like that. Yes. That's love right there. That's love You're totally right. Yeah, he's got a healthy thing going on. He's got a healthy. Yeah, he's really into his one one in his family

and I gotta respect Yeah, there's no way he's looking for pussy. No, nobody who wants bitches is posting that. No, no Yeah, that's just a man in love right. Yeah, he's like, I'm gross and I'm happy. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, he's so nasty Um, well, Christina usually, you know, she curates these tiktoks and uh, she's not well, she's here Yeah, what up, Christina? She's quiet all day. She's not talking to us. I noticed that. Um, yeah, I know. That's kind of She didn't even say hi when I came in. That's fucking snobby. I pray, yeah. It's not racial, I promise. You should work. Yeah

Because she didn't say shit to me either. Okay All right, I'll take that. You're being kind of standoffish You're being kind of a c-word. Yeah But I mean, if you're gonna open your mouth, can you say something? I heard you bitches was looking for me Here are some of her, uh, most recent, uh curations Oh god If any woman needs a real man in their life

Here's my phone number. Oh my god, 318-465. I'm looking for a serious relationship First of all, he has the greatest laugh in the history of laughs I gotta give him that Uh Yeah, man, you sometimes you just got to cut out hinge and all the middle man And just go straight for it. You know what I mean? I know and it's it's great because first of all if you are looking for a lady It's cool to present yourself in the in the best way like in your best look, you know shirtless, right?

Uh camera underneath your chin dirty glasses Dirty glasses and have the video cut off before you're done speaking like all those things Just give out your phone. Jesus, man Did the did the full number go out or did it cut off before the full number? I think he just he just gave out the number without the prefix It's for probably people that in the area that he lives in you know So he didn't do the uh whole 3-1-0 of it all. He just gave out the the seven digits

Wow, he's uh wow is right Oh god damn good luck, bro. Yeah, there you I mean Oh my god Oh good morning my queen Time to wake up time to put them feet on the ground and take off running All right, let me pull them covers off There we go kiss that nice beautiful ass of yours. Oh All right, my queen

Time to get up I'll go in and run us a nice hot shower and I'll meet you in the shower I'll wash that beautiful body yours from head to toe and make sure you're nice and clean to go to work Then we'll go get some breakfast today. We'll go out and get some breakfast I'll see you in the shower. I love you my queen Listen, uh, so I'm I'm I'm a little alarmed We have to find this guy's location. Oh, we know where he lives That's a real person he's talking to in a box

And uh, they're trapped And uh, he's making it look like a tiktok, but this this is a wild bill situation. It feels like it We've been following this guy for months And this is the first time that I've seen where he's gone overtly sexual It's usually more, you know, you know guy every guy who does this like nice guy thing you realize that The dude's just doing it to get laid, but he doesn't feel comfortable being like sexually forward You know what I mean? The guy who's like, well, let me help you, uh, you know Like I just want to make you breakfast or uh, you know, I want to pick you up from work

And I'll bring you a coffee and and he just does this nice guy thing I'll help you build the the bookshelves at your house The guy just wants to fuck he doesn't know how to add that I'm an amazing person Yeah, and hopefully you'll think I'm such an amazing person That you'll step to me. Yes and get sexual with me. So I don't like, uh, So I don't like Like uh, what step off sides. Yes on you. Exactly. So this is I'm this great motherfucker Like if you were with me, I'd make you breakfast. I'd do this and you know guys like you've seen guys whose game is that?

And you're always like god, you know, I always felt like it was whatever, but he's always been doing these videos that were like kind of You know just seem like sweet right now. He's like I'm gonna Like kiss your ass and wash you for now. He's getting Sexual in nature and I sound like this is what I'd really do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just you know, but I do think He has a captive. Yeah and that She was on the age when the video started And it's her birthday And uh, he feels like

He can tell a sexual shit now Like he's so twisted. He might be twisted enough to like be like When I kidnapped her she was on the age So I'm just gonna do nice shit, but now she's of age It's legal. Yeah for me to talk dirty to her and completely ignore the fact that he kidnapped her and has her in this box I feel like I want to show Ian More of the king's stuff, you know, I think I found the that's his name the king. So it started like this

Good morning ladies. It's six o'clock in the morning. It's time to go to work driver. Get up and let them boobs hang Come on make some videos right when you get out of bed before you put that bra on So it was like first he was like I want to see your boobs In a t-shirt, you know, and that didn't work. So then what did he do? Well, then he started to do like Um Let's see here Started to do these these pov things. Good morning. My queen's above 18 Always the distinction. I got your breakfast ready

Coffee's on breakfast is on So it was like I'm just being a nice guy because I'm just I'm making you I'm encouraging. Yeah to have a great day Um And then this one was the one that really stole our heart. Good morning my queen above 18 Yes, it's time to wake up come on

Yes, you are my queen Queen's like, you know queen I'm bigging them up compliments How did you sleep? I slept good Did you sleep good I hope you're rested and be ready for work It's so funny. All right, my queen He's coming off like a bear. Yeah, like, you know, like, you know the term beer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and uh

Like yeah, what am I saying describing beer to you and uh, but he's coming off like a beer But he's into women. I take away the box thing. Let me backtrack on the box. He's just a horny ass dude. Yeah. Yeah With no game. Yeah. Yeah, I'm at least happy now that the latest video Is who he is more. You know, I mean Like these other ones are like, I'm making you breakfast and make sure you have a great day This guy would never make you breakfast. No, man He would he would kiss your entire ass and eat it for breakfast But this guy

There's no breakfast in there for your 18 year old queens. No, no, like just there is none He's lying about breakfast. He's lying about breakfast and he's not running the shower for you either Yeah, he's not yeah, he he'll lick you clean. He's a freak. Yeah, and that's who he really is. That's right Yeah, keep making videos like your latest one. Yeah, like I'm trying to fuck. Yeah So my final saying on this I out work. I out fight and I out fuck 20 year olds all day long and I am 43 years old So you better know who That's where that one ends, huh?

Yeah This is this is Is your christina's Well, here's the crazy thing. This is this is tiktok, right? Yeah. Yeah And uh, you know, I'm watching the euros and tiktok is one of the sponsors of the euro of the euros And you know, when you're watching the game On the the sideboards around the fields tiktok Is is this what they're advertising pretty much people to come see like all over the world

Like this is a national tournament. Yeah So this is what's on tiktok. This is what tiktok has to offer. This is what tiktok wants you to come see This is it. This is what they you know how much money It costs to be a sponsor Of a huge sucker. Oh god and they want you to come see this guy They want you to come see the guy who out fights and out the bucks And he's got six teeth and out no teeths you. Yeah, he's like you think you got no teeth. Check out this shit Oh, I love martial arts people who are like look check out my kicks. Oh wow

Oh I He had it back in a day. He did I wouldn't afford him 15 years ago. No not even out in the woods. Yeah. Yeah He's a Yankee. That's what he's a Yankee Some of the most common reasons women on dating apps lose interest with me and either unmatched with me or unblock No particular order I'm too tall or not tall enough for the record. I'm six three I play Dungeons and Dragons and that's just childish

Uh financial income differences either I make too much money for them to feel comfortable or I don't make enough money for them to feel comfortable Oh because I don't drive a sports car Uh, because I live too far away That one's absolutely understandable Uh, they considered me too kinky, which that's five that we believe they're all That's the one. It's finally nailed the reason. Yeah Yeah, that none of the other one first of all, no woman's like you make too much money for this to work out right And no one's like I mean you have a car, but it's not a sports car. What a count in page

And you know that that can make some women feel uncomfortable. So I get that Not sharing political views, which I think is just absolutely ridiculous and they're gonna be a part of coming up Bro, what about the cross? behind you that you tie people that you tie people to and drip hot candle wax on and the spanking apparatus

and the you're like, yeah, but i'm six three It's a real turn off to something. Yeah, it's like some people You're gonna lose a lot of people. Yeah with that in the background. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like you're gonna get some sure You might lose a lot and you can't ignore that I'm only just unsettled by all this because I feel like the guy kind of looks like me So yeah, and I did I did notice that. Yeah. Yeah, he that's a version of you It is and you know your your funny smile that you didn't Wow

Yeah, that's uh That's pretty disturbing. Yeah, is this like an alternate account of yours? Yeah, it is Did you shoot it in this room because the walls are the same walls? Show me the drawer where all that shit is in. It's in the back. It's in the back. Why didn't we shoot this in there? I don't feel comfortable when Christina's not here. Oh, okay. Is she back there now tied up Christina With low value women Especially low value women not in the sense that they're not particularly attractive, but that they're stupid. See stupid women Who by definition are low value

They swallow The flattery. Oh, yeah They just drink gallons of it. Oh, they love it. They love the attention and they love that that sense of feeling good about themselves See, but smart women. I'm not talking about women with a lot of IQ points. I'm talking about, you know, women who are on the ball Uh, not stupid women high quality women. They realize that the flattery is a lie And you know who I learned this from New york fashion models Who the fuck is this guy, man? He reminds me of like I'm trying to remember the actor

He reminds me of But I can't it's not he's kind of looks like kevin pollock. Uh, yeah running lines for a movie or some shit Yeah, stanley tucci. Is that you're thinking of? That but let's see kevin pollock. He looks more like kevin. I think Kevin wears that baseball cap a lot too. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, like is it is this kevin pollock's new role? He does that thing where he affirms his own thing with uh, huh? Yeah. Oh shit. They're right there, bro. Yeah, this kevin pollock Stupid women. Where does this movie come out? Yeah Juan el teppo

This guy's account's gotta be a fucking nightmare. Does he just post shit like this all the time? Fuck My thing is and how is christina finding these? She she goes deep. She goes deep. She goes deep All right, last one. I don't know what we're looking at here God whole problems Brother jet here to remind you A bible verse a day keeps the hose away That's why I don't read the bible. Yeah, who wants to keep the hose away. Yeah

Yeah, that's my whole problem is not enough holes It's not Too many holes You know yesterday. So I was walking to this store On melrose. So I was like, I want to get I'm in here. I'm gonna get a couple shirts, you know And I I walk I walk down the street and there's paparazzi everywhere. Right. So I just go I've seen this before in LA where you go. There's a celebrity In one of these places right now. That's what they're waiting for

so these guys see me And uh, a couple of them recognize me and they're like, I thought you lived in austin. I was like, uh Yeah, man And then they come around with the cameras and start at interviewing me Right and they're asking me all these questions All about like comedy and austin and l just all this stuff and I'm like After a few minutes, I go, who are you actually here for and they go a little pump I go what and they go little pumps like shopping in here

And I was like, that's why all you guys are here and they go, yeah, and I was like I'm gonna have to look them up So I looked them up and I looked them up on twitter and it's just him Getting his dick sucked like on twitter There's a video of him getting his dick sucked in a club And then the next scroll was him fucking a chick in a bathroom like with like him just No, and these I just thought of it because you said like the hose and I'm like hos are fantastic, you know

You definitely don't want to keep him away. Yeah um He got yeah, he got he got a blowjob in a club and Fuck some chicken at bathroom and it's all on twitter if you want to go so there's like I gotta do a little pump mini dive But this guy Should go help out The guy with the mattress on the wall. Definitely because the guy with the mattress on the wall is against

Gold diggers. Yeah, and hose. Yeah, and I think this guy could help ward them off Yeah, well, I mean that guy on the I think the guy the problem with the guy with the mattress on the wall is He has not been exposed to actual hose and how much fun they can be, you know, yes He just needs to like lean into like he's yeah, he's he's my booze and drugs Yeah, yeah, he's he's made a lot of mean chicks Like you know, he needs to like a fun chick. Yeah, he needs it. Yeah some fun hose. Yeah Yeah, nothing more fun than a fun-ass hose nothing more fun than a fun-ass hole. Yeah, you know what I mean? I mean, I think I feel like we should go out on that

I wish there were some hose out there right now It would be so much fun. Yo, you're fun. Keep being fun. If you're a fun hoe, you're not doing nothing wrong Do you baby? Don't forget check out the soccer comic rant. It comes out weekly Ian's soccer podcast check them out on instagram Ian Edwards comic. You have a fantastic special. Where can people watch the special? It's so good. Oh, thank you Comedy central. Yeah, I think it's on the app and uh, what's it called?

Ian talk Ian talk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So check it out. You know, we're a fantastic comedian. Thanks for stopping by today, man. Thanks, brother Oh Come on You told me you was a mortician you fucking come right before you guys kidnap me. Where's josh? Yeah these days You fucking come right before you guys kidnap me right right before you guys kidnap me You're losing your thought pattern kidnappers It's america i'm allowed to speak to the press

You got that? What's the name of the company if we're one one, please? Then you just see you guys just a little bit Blackie from the fbi call me did you blackie? Because you look like a twang like a guitar player I can't get word Immediately