Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 618 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://saatva.com/theshit for $200 off your order - Go to https://talkspace.com and get $100 off your first month with the promo code YMH. - Go to https://brooklinen.com and use promo code house to get $20 off, with a minimum purchase of $100 - Go to https://GETQUIP.com/MOM5 to get $5 off a Mouthwash Starter Kit. - Go to https://hellotushy.com/YOURMOM to get 10% off your order and FREE shipping. - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “Yourmom” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - To get your first $5,000 managed for FREE, for life, go to https://Wealthfront.com/YMH - Get 20% off and free shipping by going to https://manscaped.com/MOM. Today on Your Mom's House, Tom and Christina discuss both of their injuries, Hungary's new immigration fence and Christina's upcoming special. Then, they talk about a new show they're watching called Game of Thrones, more people messing up Bert's name and what it's like flying when you're handicapped. After that, Tom and CP mention seeing fellow injured person Connor McGregor at their hotel, watch some Horrible or Hilarious videos and Tom reveals an old Garth Brooks interview that reaffirms what he already knew. Last, they talk about making brown in front of each other, being stuck in the house and round out the show watching Christina's curated TikTok videos.

Well, I think it's neat when you're horny in public. Like you let everybody know, like, this makes my dick hard. Could you imagine seeing this, you're out in Vegas and you're like, what's that? Oh, it's just a guy, a domino. I would like to walk by this guy with Joey Diaz. Oh. He's like, cut the shit. Stand the fuck up, grow some balls.

Exactly. Yeah. Hey, what's going on there, Chumos? It's another episode of Your Mom's House. I am your host, Tom Segura, with me, as always is my lovely co-host, Christina Peay. I'm here. Hey, Christina. I'm finally back in studio, Gene.

And I am so happy to see everybody and I missed it. And I'm really excited to announce that there's now a razor blade in the bathroom and somebody's been shaving their body in Studio Gene's. Who's that? That's me and I wasn't shaving my body. What were you shaving? Just a little bit of hairs that grow right here. Huh, yeah.

That's cool. And I didn't see the razor, where'd it go? Oh, it's there. I left it there because I didn't want to touch it. Oh, yeah. But it's interesting what happens when- I didn't find it though. The dudes are all together and there's no lady energy.

It's definitely darker in here. Like I walked in and I was like, strong dick energies in here. I'm coming to get that booty. Yep. Guys get very dark. You think so? Yeah, you guys are fucking crazy.

Yeah, it's good that balances out a little bit of female energy. Little feminine energy, guys. And I'm back and I'm in a new brace. I got my second boot off and I'm in a lace-up ankle brace and I couldn't be happier. Whole new life for me right now.

I get this stupid fucking thing off tomorrow but I've recorded 10 podcasts this week with it on. So it'll look like I'm wearing it for months. Just a cool reminder of the best time in your life. God, damn it, yeah. And let me tell you guys something by the way. But call me a chomo. All right, so.

What's up there, chomo? Yeah, I'm so excited to get this off. God, and your poor little biscuit has been wrapped up in there. Three weeks? Just totally wrapped. Can you move your little fingies? Yeah, I can go like this, like in there.

And can you, are they itchy? No, I can wrist flex too, like a little bit. Like I'm like, does my wrist still work? And it does. There's itches on parts of my arm that are deep in there that I've stuck like knives in there, pens, just anything to try to scratch. I'm sure that's what the doctors want you to do.

I didn't ask you, I didn't ask you. How many times do you think somebody is shoved like a knife down their cast and then it's just stuck there for like months? It's happened. And also, you know, I have a pretty massive score on the upper part of my arm. I'm gonna have two more.

Yeah. Can I tell you though, it's gonna look pretty tough. Yeah, sure. I'm a little upset that I don't have gnarlier scars for my surgery. I could break something on you. If you want a new scar, I'm saying. Do you know how many people, like I did stand up last week

and everybody's, when they see me hobbling up, they're like, Tom pushed you down the stairs. Tom pushed you down the stairs. I'm like, yes you did. I mean, I fell, I fell. Don't compliment that bitch. I love him. Which one's that?

It's just a cool guy. Oh, I thought it was my favorite, what's his name? Cobra. No, no. I'm prompted. That sounds like a British guy to you right there. I just like this. Don't compliment that bitch.

Don't compliment that bitch. That's not Cobra. Well, I know who that is. That's the guy on TikTok who tells you you're fat. Yeah, he's just like, you know. He's like, you think you're an eight? No, you need to lose like 40 pounds and then you could be like a six.

Yeah, that's his whole game. Yeah. Negging? Yeah. Say negative shit to a bitch. It sounds like a different word when you say that. What's it sound like? I don't know.

What do you mean? It doesn't sound like a good word. Why? Sounds like it means something else. What does it sound like it means? I don't know, I don't know, I'm not gonna say it. Why wouldn't you say it? I don't even know what you're talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about either. Okay. This coffee's good. I'm so happy to be back, you guys. Are you? Yeah, it's depressing to do the show and I'm all the way out in Mom's Den and I'm sitting on my couch.

We should point out though that in a few weeks you'll be back doing that. I know. You have to come back. So we've had, like for people that don't know, this is so annoying. It's like doing construction in this new studio is similar to when you hear somebody doing construction

in their house and they're like, oh, you know, hire this person and this vendor and then get these permits. And right now we're just in permit. Permit limbo. Yeah. Just waiting. You know, I tell you.

That's why we keep coming here. I tell you what, Tom? That I feel like outside of LA and New York shit does not get done at the same clip. You know what I'm saying? Like shit moves at a glacial pace in between New York and LA. I don't know.

You wanna get some shit done? Come to the coast, Tommy. Yeah, there does seem to be a different pace at which people move. Well, I'll get back to you on that. I'm like, when? Well, when the guy gets back to me and then I'll get back to you.

Like we'll call him fucking again. That's true. I've had to dial back my LA-ness. I'm like, where is it, dude? What's up? Where's the update? Let's go, let's go. And they're just like,

you just kind of surrender to it. It's a lot. I've surrendered a lot. I've slowed down a lot, you know? And I've also been really enjoying the TikToks where they just ask if you're good. I'm good. I'm good.

How are you doing? Good. I'm good. Did you sleep good? I slept good. Did you sleep good? I slept good. How's your day going?

Is it good? It's good. Have a good day. Bye, I'll see you. Hope everything's good. Yeah, we've been doing that to each other. A lot of good stuff, yeah. Yeah, like idiot chatter.

I'm good. How was your breakfast? Was it good? It was real good. Everything's good except for the one thing wasn't so good. They didn't do good. They didn't do good breakfast potatoes,

but everything else was good. Oh, good. Well, I hope your lunch is good and your dinner is good and that you sleep good. Thanks. A good one. There's an entire lane of TikTokers that I've been curating that their whole purpose

is to be like, hope you're having a good day and that your weekend's gonna go good and then you're gonna have a good night. You realize that those people are, not above average intelligence, right? That you're curating. I don't know what you're talking about. Do you think those are PhDs that are?

I'm inclusive, Tom. My TikTok feed is inclusive of all the spectrum of the IQ. I don't. Quick personal privilege. Okay. Yes, comrade. I don't see IQ scores when I curate. I just see people.

Okay, you see people. Great. I'm glad you use it like that. Please do not use gendered language. What do you say we, speaking of things that are good? What do you say we open the show? I'm good. That sounds like a good idea.

Ready? Good. I want you to look over here, okay? I love it already. Okay, here we go. Well, here we go, friends. First of two animals tonight. Frost takers in the morning.

I'll let you know how things come out. Ha ha ha. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't mind when the fuck is there. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura, Tom Sutsuru.

And Christina Pajitsa, Christina Pajitsa. Welcome to your mom's house. Did you like that? That was great. I was like I was in Ibiza and I was dancing. Very interpretive dance style. You think this guy is pretty neat. Dude, I know this guy.

I fucking duetted him on my Instagram stories. First of two animals tonight. Yeah. Yeah, it comes out. First of two animals tonight, yeah. Yeah, two animals. Does he just mean that he's flushing his system out? Yeah.

But do you have to give yourself an animal? Can you just drink that liquid that gets all the cock out? I mean, I don't know. I adopt for the liquid. I think he's just telling us what he's doing. Yeah, cleaning out the system for his prostate surgery. And that's it. I hope that goes good.

I hope that goes good. You good? I like the light that's dangling there. The angle's great. Little precarious. Yeah. A lot of wire, open wires in his trailer. Looking down on the cameras, always a plus.

Yes, and he does a lot of his TikToks shirtless. Some of them are very horny. Like, usually when the weekend rolls around, he gets hornier, and it gets really, really fun. What's he like? He stays in the same chair, and he's just shirtless. And he's like, any ladies out there want to meet a guy? And we got a guy.

Like the typical plea of the sad TikTok again. That's pretty cool. Yeah, he's rad. He's all about it. Yeah. I mean, his voice was cool. He looks like he's lived a full life. That's what I got from this,

because this is the guy who's been living hard. You know? Like doing fun stuff. Like what? Just everything. Do you think he exercises and is on a ketogenic diet? I think he has before. Yeah.

And then why did he stop? Cause it's fun to drink. And it's fun to smoke. Cigarettes or meth. No, cigs. Yeah, he's got the potato alcoholism nose. All right. What, that's true.

You're right. I'm just saying that you're on the right path detective, Yana. Yeah. You're doing good. Thanks. I would fix that light. That worries me that he's going to get electrocuted

if he stands up. Those are open wires. Well, you follow him. I message him. I sure. Message him. Let him know. Do you think he understands the messaging?

Like how it all works and stuff? There's no way he gets that. It's possible. Yeah, because he's asking chicks, you want to meet up and come play with these nuts. I think he's probably putting it out there. Reading messages. Yeah.

He's cool. Yeah. Ask him where he lives. See if you can come over. That's definitely the inside of a Winnebago, isn't it? Those shelving and stuff. This looks like a trailer. Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah, it's a trailer. What do you guys think? We don't know. Do we know? Do you think it's a trailer? I don't think so. Really?

Could be. I think the ceiling too. Oh yeah. That whatever that material is. Yeah. He's going places. You see the guy that's mad at the gold diggers? Remember that guy?

He's like, oh, you gold diggers out there. You know, yeah, that guy was interesting. You know what I found though is, you know who's back? Do you remember this guy? Okay ladies, dad, dad, five. You see it? Single, still looking, putting myself out there. Ladies don't just scroll by.

Say hello. Stop. You're like a baby. If you're within, oh, 100, 150 miles. 150 miles. Of Fort Riley, Kansas, send me a message. We can hook up. We can get together.

I'll find you. That was creepy. It was. I'll find you. Yeah. I didn't need that at the end. And what is nice is that even though I don't see the fan, I see the shadow of the fan.

So I still know that it's there. It's really good camera placement. Really? It's flattering. Most people look their best from down here, put the camera here. You wanna go. And then you go, I'm looking to date.

And you look down on the camera. Yeah. And also. And you say backlit. Backlit. And then it's good for aging too. Like the older you get, you want those shadows on your face.

Looks good. He's got a new one. Oh. Hey, just taking my brat to the orthodontist for her last appointment. So hopefully she'll get him off this time and we'll be done with it. Just the dad with a dad bod.

Bye. Hmm. It's a weird update. Okay. Is this the bathroom or the closet? What do you think? I think it's the bathroom, but it's like your update is I'm taking my brat.

Yeah. To the orthodontist. So you're involving your child and calling them a brat. Right. Which is a turn off. Kind of, right? For most women would be like,

Yeah, where are you? They're your children. Shit head. Okay. Yeah. And then he's like, hopefully they're fucking coming off. Keep dealing with this bullshit. And then.

Which is like, I always thought my parents were like that. My dad was always like that. Like, come on. I got to take you to the dentist. I got to take you karate lessons. Like, yeah, but you're not doing anything. You're just driving me there. And then I'm the one doing everything.

And you made me. Yeah, shit head. Like you agreed to this whole arrangement. I didn't ask for this. And he complains that whether they were at the dentist, like you're just paying for it. She's the one in pain. Getting her braces tightened,

wearing the headgear or whatever the hell. He would complain to you? Everything was like, if I want, I didn't, I saw a movie. The last movie I saw with my dad in the movie theater was dances with wolves in 1989. Because everything is a hassle. Like, oh, shit.

I got to fucking stand in line with these idiots. And then once you're in the movie, oh, fuck, I can't see the screen, this idiot with the fucking box if I you, which means like a bread head, like a loaf of bread, like a big ass. Yeah, this fucking asshole. And these guys chewing popcorn.

I hear him, ah, like everything was just a hassle. Like he would do nothing. He would take me like one karate lesson. Cause, but, but it, cause it was on a Saturday morning and it interfered with his sleeping in. Like forget that we'd not going anymore. So I would start and stop all these activities cause you could not follow through.

Yeah. Pretty cool. It's the coolest. Feels good. It feels so good. Yeah. Did your parents, I assume, followed through on lessons and driving you and.

Well, yeah. I mean, yeah, they took us, they took us to all the activities and, you know. And like watched you do them and probably enjoyed that watching our kid grow and become good at stuff. Yeah. That's cool.

Right? That's a different way to parent. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. They would take us to things. They would not do what you just said. Oh my God.

My dad would never take me to stuff. He would never drive me to anything. Really? Have them come here. Like if I had a friend, like, no, come on. Make them come. And no, I don't want to fucking pick them up and do nothing. It's just the Hungarian way, right?

Lazy, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't there some Hungarian update? Oh yeah, speaking of, where's my cool glasses, you guys? I've been without my perfect glasses for a month and a half now. This is exciting. You sent this to me. Yeah.

You know, the Hungarian people are known for their tolerance, their openness. And now Hungary's new 14 foot high razor wire electric double fence. Along the border. Skeptics who believe a border wall will not stop illegals from entering the United States may want to look at what's happening in Hungary.

That's it, right there. On the day its border fence was completed, the influx of illegals entering Hungary went down from, wow, 6,353 per day to 870 the next. First of all, who is hankering to get into Hungary like that? I don't know. Wow, what's going on in the neighboring countries? For the remainder of that month,

illegal border crossings went steadily below 40 per day. The officials say, quote, they don't even try. We haven't had a single migrant in six months. Prime Minister Viktor Orbán's pledge to stop illegals from flowing into the country appears to be a spectacular success. There you go, man. Hey, guys, build the wall.

Effective. I mean, yeah, that's a menacing look. You saw, can you pull that back up? Who is that? President and Prime Minister. I mean, look at that thing. Viktor, oh yeah, no one's getting there. You get up on one, if you get through one side,

you got to do it again on the other side. Without getting shot in between, getting over the first one. Shot and his cameras and electric wires. This looks like the Berlin Wall, remember? It kind of does, it actually has, yeah, it has kind of Nazi vibes. See, the problem with America is you guys need

to turn to Eastern Europeans to help you build those walls. We're experts in this stuff. I saw a story last week, or maybe a few weeks ago, about a guy, did you see this? A guy who built a certain amount of wall down on the border and now he wants to get paid for it. Like he did it on his own.

Oh, he did. And he wants $3 million. Sweet. He built like 3 million. He's like, I need to get paid now. Okay. Just like a citizen who decided to take it. I don't understand the, there you go.

He wants to, he spent, oh, sorry, 30 million. Oh my gosh. He spent $30 million building a three mile wall between the U.S. and Mexico and he's looking for someone to buy it. He just did it. He was like, this is the right thing to do. He spent $30 million, who is this?

I don't know, I mean, I can't believe it's somebody, what does it say here? Scroll in a little bit. Tommy Fisher. 51 spent $30 million to build a three mile wall in Rio Grande, Texas. It's made up of 15,000 steel posts

that run along the river, separating the U.S. and Mexico. Jeez. I'm now looking for someone to buy it. I mean, I just don't. But who's gonna buy it? Last year. You mean the government?

Like who's gonna? He finished building the private three mile wall at the border. How do you even get away with doing it? I don't know. How can you be like, no, I'm building a border wall between countries. And then who's, it was like, oh, okay.

That's what you're doing. We didn't know. We thought you were just building a house. We can't even get permits to build a sound studio. I know. In Texas. It's fucking crazy. These guys.

Fisher told Bloomberg, he started thinking about building the wall as a personal project. When Donald Trump got elected in 2016, he's a Republican donor, Fox News contributor. Fisher told the outlet, I was like, this would be really fun. This would be a project that would be remembered, like the Hoover Dam.

And paid fissures, okay, so in 2019, an organization dedicated to crowdsource funding, paid fissures company, 6.9 million to build a half mile section of the wall. In 2019, Fisher started building a second stretch in Texas after receiving an additional 1.5 million. He later parted ways with the organization, continued building the second wall.

It's cost eventually ballooned to $30 million, 20 times the original estimate. Yeah, that's construction for you. Jesus Christ, yeah, right? I always think it's gonna be one thing. It'll be fucking $2. Well, look, if anything, I do like this American attitude. I like this guy is a solid American citizen.

He's a capitalist. He's like, I'm gonna raise the money. I'm gonna do this. Good for him. Well, he didn't raise the money. No, I know. He just was like, this is my pet project to- My pet project.

To make sure that Don's happy. I want daddy to be happy with me. Keep up those immigrants. Now I just need $30 million. Man, you know, it is so hard to come to this country legally. It is almost impossible to get in right now as it is. It's damn near possible.

Anyway, that is just something else. But speaking of walls and all the stuff, I've been thinking about my new title for my upcoming special. Yeah. And I haven't announced it yet, but I will be filming a special in some way. I can't tell you why, but it's coming.

And anyway, I just- I'm gonna announce the date of it soon. Oh, we all soon, once I get clearance. But I was thinking of, well, there's two titles. FGT, RTD. Touch my camera through the fence, you faggot. That'd be kind of cool. Four girls that ride till death.

What about Touch My Camera Through the Fence? That's a good one, too. Okay. Touch My Camera Through the Fence, chomo. What's up, chomos? What's the, I don't know. Or I was thinking of My Struggle. Okay.

What are you thinking of? Just like as a mother? Yeah, My Struggle. It just sounds like a catchy title. I feel like it's, yeah, as a mother, as a woman, as a comedian, just My Struggle. As a person. As a person.

What do you think? It's interesting. Yeah, I mean, I don't, I mean, it sounds more like a book than a special. Well, the book comes after the special. Oh, okay. So you would do a special and then you write the book. Also titled My Struggle?

My Struggle. Okay. Yeah. And then I go, it gets translated into different languages and I chore on My Struggle and My Struggle. You could do audio books? Audio books, that would be amazing. Maybe a movie comes out.

Yeah, what do you think? Solo, have you heard of that? I like it, I really like it. I feel like that's a good brand for you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you were just talking about your upbringing and how they, you know.

Yeah. That's part of your struggle, your dad not wanting to fucking. Oh yeah, I mean, that is somewhat what the hour is about. My Struggle of overcoming, you know, the generational trauma. It doesn't sound like a traditional title for a special, which is interesting.

Yeah. It's good. Have you heard, what do you think? You like My Struggle? What about you, Chris Larson? I mean, yeah, it's an interesting title. It makes me think of Mind Struggle, which sounds a little like Nazi-esque a bit.

Like Mind Struggle? Like it just sounds like Mind Conf a bit. Oh. Yeah. That's, that would be my hesitation. Yeah. Mind Conf was Hitler's autobiography. Right.

Well, I mean, look, you guys all know that book and it sounds real popular. Can you, can you pull that up? Maybe that's not such a bad idea for marketing. Could you imagine? Let's see here. Oh, that's neat. And there's the poster.

And I can just wear a mustache and I look just like him. Can you translate that? Mike, Mike comes surges in e-book sales. Is this one Hitler? I mean, Hitler with troubles of like. It's My Struggle. Or My Fight. Okay.

Maybe, maybe I retitle it My Fight. Well, then it would. It's not so on the nose. That seems like it's still on the nose. Maybe we, maybe you change your title a little bit. So it's not what, just so people go, oh, you mean just like Hitler's book? You know what I mean?

I don't think many people know that. I think they do now. They do now. Yeah. But I just wouldn't, I don't think most people know that. That Hitler wrote a book about my comedy special. I don't think people know that. Okay, well, look, I'm still running titles

past my agents. Jilla, what do you think? Keep the same title as Hitler's book or no? I think so. Yeah, I think you do your own spin on it. Your own spin. My own spin on it. Yeah.

How about that title? My own spin on My Struggle. That's it. No, no, no, no, no. The special's title is My Own Spin On It. Huh? Huh? Okay.

All right. Well, then it's between FGT, RTD and My Struggle still. Okay, FGT, RTD it is. Or touch my camera through the fence. I'm sure that that's really fun. This guy at the hotel was like, I gotta tell you, man. And I go, what? He goes, really, really glad you introduced me

to Fedsmoker. And I go, yeah, he goes, yeah. He goes, I think it's the worst thing that happened last year is that he died. The worst thing? And he goes, I think so. You got your pandemic. Yeah.

Yeah. A lot of people think that when this finally is over, when we finally, we don't have to worry about the virus or masks or anything anymore, that all of a sudden like out from the shadows, we'll emerge Fedsmoker. He's like, I was there the whole time just chomping on a cigarette.

I started COVID, you silly sissy. How do you get a job here in your fuck face? Also, really exciting, Tom and I, we've been having a little more time at home together with both of us healing. Are you gonna reveal the exclusive? Yeah. Oh, excuse me.

This is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. YMH. Big news. Big news. People don't know this. No.

And they might not know about this yet. No, this is a brand new thing that's a big phenomenon. Yeah. I'm gonna go ahead and give the official YMH stamp on your forehead to go ahead and check out a really cool new show called Game of Thrones. We just started watching it and you should check it out. It's pretty good.

It's so good. And like, why has nobody told us how good this show is? How come no one's talking about it? No one's talking about this show. Yep. It's so upsetting. Like, I've never heard of it and we just found it by accident. We just like scrolled through HBO Max

and we were like, game of what? And then we hit play. Yeah. Dude, good show. Good show. If you haven't yet seen it, I would check it out. Game of Chomos. You know what I like about it is that,

well, there's like incest, child order. Pilots are so hard to get right. Yeah. And they, I mean, and I think you can tell that like, they're trying to set up a lot in the pilot. Yeah. You have incest, you have sex, you have violence, murder, decapitation, attacking a child,

you know, tons of sex, nudity. It's really. It's awesome. It really dials into all the stuff people love. You're right. It's got like hot chicks, hot dudes, savagery, eating people, guts, incest, all these fun topics. Look for it.

Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones. It's a show on a thing called HBO. Oh, as we like to say, got. G-O-T. G-O-T. That's a little thing we can do. There it is.

Yeah, you found it. I mean, he took him fucking 15 minutes to pull that up. It's one of these like. Hard to find. Hard to find, kind of slipped into the radar shows. Culty shows. Anyway, just started airing, I guess, because I just found it.

So look for it. Look for it now. All right. Pretty interesting show. How angry are we making people right now with this? They're like, you fucking idiots. We've been watching this shit for a duck. Here's something that you're definitely gonna like.

Are you ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so here we are, nice and tired looking with all of my bags and I'm good and broke out, which is about how I would look if I was in the county jail right now. This is what we would do. Now take the sink and take some powder, okay?

And then some instant coffee. Now the instant coffee is dark and it's powdery. So if you mix it with the powder and you get the color that you want, you can make a powder for your face. So you do a makeup tutorial for jail. Dude, I'm gonna get everything and actually get to use a mirror to do this,

but like I said, in the county jail, there are no mirrors. It's just a reflection pan. Not telling y'all what's gonna look good. I'm just telling y'all this is what we did. Nine times out of 10 as we would do our makeup, we'd go to court and we'd see our reflection in like a real reflection of a window or in the truck, the van that they put you in

and then we would, I would personally be mortified. This is awesome. Then I would take a toothbrush and I would comb out my eyebrows. Yeah, gosh. The toothbrushes in there are nowhere, and then I got this from a dollar store for a dollar, okay? The toothbrushes in there are nowhere near as nice as this.

So they, the bristles on them are very soft. You know, like when you brush your teeth, you feel like you're basically brushing them with your fingers and it doesn't matter who you are in there. Your breath always stinks because the toothbrushes don't work. Oh, that's sad. Okay, now I'm gonna make eyeshadow.

And with eyeshadow, we would take deodorant and a magazine. Hell yeah, girl. And rub it really good on the color that you want. Yeah, dog, look at that. Now I'm gonna take my finger and just get some of that color. Oh my God.

Right? I love the color. Eyeliner, I still cannot believe that we did this because I don't know how lead poisoning works between that close to your eye, but we can take a little Vaseline now. So we would put the Vaseline on the sement walls. And then we would take a pencil.

Oh yeah, lead poisoning. Make a dark colored paste with the pencil. See the dark colored paste that we can use for like a liquid eyeliner now? That's rad. Oh, I wouldn't do that. But it works. She looks good.

I'm gonna do a little blush because we need to add a little bit of, you know, color to this face. There's our blush. Mm-hmm. Ooh, she fancy. This chick has spent some time on the inside. She's so comfortable with jail talk.

It's a great video though. Oh my God. I mean, it's this remind, you know, it's like when Danny Brown was here talking about like making food in jail. Oh my God. You know how adaptive people come and you just start taking what's there?

Danny Brown was here. Now we're gonna do lashes. Yeah. So for lashes, we're going to use coffee again and a little bit of water. And I'm gonna use the bottom of this. I'm gonna do it just like I would do in jail. How I would do it in jail was I would take a toothbrush

with the paste on there. Oh God bless, guys. Wow. And you ruined your toothbrush though. That doesn't burn your eyes with a coffee grime? I don't know. She's doing what she can. Okay.

Yeah. Last one. Typically I would use Kool-Aid or something like that in order to make lipstick, but I'm gonna use a Dorito. Oh wow. Gross. That's disgusting.

Oh yeah, get that one. Oh, I'm cute. You take what you can. Hell yeah, dude. This reminds me of being like... In jail? 12, no. In public school, like 12, 13 year old girls.

Like your mom won't buy you makeup. But you're making stuff. So you make stuff like you would get, like a friend of yours would get like a wet and wild cheap ass eyeliner and then you take a lighter and melt it so that it would soften it and then you put the eyeliner on. You'd put gloss and Kool-Aid.

We did that too when we were 13. Yeah, this is so funny. Now I wish that they would just give makeup to these girls. What's the harm in letting inmates feel for women? I'm so curious about her too. Like I really wanna know what her crime was. I know.

I wanna know how long she was in for. I know. This wasn't a fucking DUI. I'll tell you that. She's interesting because she's very resourceful. She's got the, she's the white girl with dreads. So there's a story there. Okay.

Something's going on. Oh, her name was Christina's also Christina Randall was released from prison after serving nearly three years for battery, robbery and escape. She had nothing but $30 and the brand new ill-fitting clothes on her back. So, and does she have a big YouTube channel? Is that what this is?

Yeah, she has a pretty big true crime channel. That's very cool. I like her a lot. I like her too. I gotta do a deep dive on this shit. Oh, so she goes to have my life story how I ended up in prison. So she actually went to prison.

Okay. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's some real shit, man. I mean, I don't know. And also I'm curious as to why deodorant over Vaseline as your base for the eyeliner. I mean, the eyeshadow and the blush, you know? Like Vaseline's a pretty good base for all that stuff too.

I personally would have gone Vaseline as opposed to deodorant, but that's just- It's amazing just how resourceful you become when things are taken away from you. Dude, look at the two of us. I know. You've been with one arm. I've been with one leg.

I can do so much one-handed, you know? No. At first I was like, oh, fuck. And then after, you know, the first day you get a lot of struggles and then after- My struggle. Yeah, yeah, my own struggle.

A week, two weeks. Now it's like, you know, I button the pants with the right hand only. I put my belt on with one hand. Things that I was like, how do I do that? I saw you drive into work this morning. You drove, you set up the Bluetooth on your iPhone and then you searched for music

all while you were driving me around one-handed. So that was kind of neat too. I really appreciated that. Oh, and you were getting on the freeway and merging into traffic as you were finding your favorite song to listen to and hook it up in the Bluetooth on the car. That was special.

Ressourceful. Ressourceful. My struggle. My struggle. Check this out, this is pretty funny. Tom Secure is hilarious. Him and Brett, him and Brett Kershaw or Kirchitsch, whatever, they're hilarious.

She said Tom Secure, she loves. Him and Brett Kershaw are hilarious. It never ends. Is this like Love Island? It's a big brother. Oh, hilarious. Yeah. Kershaw.

This is amazing. I used to do it as a bit and then you realized in real life it's done. Brett, Kershaw or Kirchitsch, whatever? Kirchitsch. This is amazing. I hope it never ends. This is amazing.

There's a show Love Island on Hulu that's supposed to be very good. Maybe in 10 years we can get into that. Oh yeah, that'd be pretty cool. I did, I don't know if it's out now, it might be out now, but I did a Tulip Kuali's podcast. That's right.

Party People with Tulip Kuali. He did Tom Talks and then I did his, I've been, by the way, Tom Talks is a, if you're not watching and listening to Tom Talks, you're fucking up. The guests have been unbelievable. But I did his podcast

and he has this co-host Jasmine, who's a comedian, and she was like, yeah, you do this podcast, you have your mom's house with Christina, and then you do this two bears, one cave with Brett Kershaw. And I thought she was doing a bit

and everybody on the set started laughing and she was like looking around. So she was like, oh. And then they're like, no, it's Kresher. And she was like, oh, Brett Kresher. And then I just could not stop. I was like, it's like, it just doesn't stop. It's real.

So you're saying that this is not a bit, like this guy's not doing this as a Brett. Bert Flubs just happened, they just happened. Bert Kershner. Bert Kresher? This is hilarious. It just never, it never stops.

Bert Kreshner. It's like so many. Bert Kershner. Bert Kreshner. It never stops. Bert Kreshner. Bert Kreisler. It's not that crazy of a last name.

No, it's really not. It's really not. I don't think it's that difficult, but people stop. I get more excited when they fuck up the first name when they're like Brett. Brett, it's Bert, B-E-R-T. It's only four letters.

Brett. So this is why he changed my name to Christina Pee. Kershaw or Kershaw, whatever. Kershaw. My name, Christine, that's why we're joking about that. They call me the wrong name. I mean, do people fuck up Tom very often?

No, I mean, I've heard people just massacre Segura. Which is stupid to me. Yeah, it's phonetic, it's not thick, but I heard them, you know, the simplest fuck up, it'll go Segura, but I've seen people that say Segwar, and they think it's a Q, Segwarnah, Segwara. Dude, that's the only one there's people with,

in areas where there's no Latin people. Maybe. I'm telling you, if you go to the middle of the country, they'll trip out on that shit, but everywhere, you know, there's fucking Latins. Yeah. Stove, stove, stove. People thought that this was RPC,

they were sending this in. I went out in the morning, stuck a hammer in high, roll a camera, let me into the night. Still in it. Fuckin' look like it, dude. Look at his moves. Yeah, dawg.

You think he's done drugs? Yeah, dawg. Patriotic. Woo, feel that shit. Yeah. Don't you wish it could be that free? Yeah. In public?

I do. God damn. Well, I wanna be what he's on, dude. That looks like fun. If you wanna move in, you can move in, but you gotta fuck me. Look at those boots, bro. Yeah.

Dude, his whole gear. I want this outfit, bro. I want this outfit. What? Just thinking about moving in fucking RPC. Ooh. Ooh. Move in, you'll go move in.

Oh. Yeah. You don't like it? Who would you rather fuck? Free rent, you could at least have a key. Fuck me. Would you rather go with Fed Smoker or with RPC for a week?

God. In Lucifer's lair or your in Fed Smoker's car? Oh my god. I've heard reports on Lucifer's lair, so I'm gonna go ahead and jump in that car. Fed Smoker would kill you though. Maybe. Fire in your sleep.

Why? I'm under 120, you know? Oh yeah, that's right, you scurvy bitch. You gotta be under 120 pounds. That's so hard. Over 120, I'll let you suck my cock cause I'm a good sport. I can't believe he's gone.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it. I know. I know. God damn. Yeah. So on my trip, I ventured out of the house for the first time in eight weeks.

I got off my scoot-scoot. I got into a new boot and a cane. It was pretty dope. And I went to Cincinnati. Origin of the Cincinnati fart, for those of you who've been listening to the show for a long time, it's where I ate on a buffet on the ferry

on the river there, and I ate everything. And I was five months pregnant with our first child, and then I farted in the room and it was like a 32nd fart. It was the longest fart in my history. Yeah. So it's always a special town to go back to Cincinnati.

Madison, the Renaissance, I forget. Oh, fucking A, man. Room 618, 818. I think it was the Renaissance. People asked to book that room. 618, yeah, that was fucking amazing. They're like, can I book the room where the Cincinnati fart happened?

And they're like, I'm sorry. The infamous Cincinnati fart. So it's kind of a ground zero for mommies, but so my doctor and my surgeon was like, you can go, but you need a wheelchair assist. And all the, cause I had to take two planes to get there. You cannot walk through airports. Yeah.

And let me tell you, nothing cooler than a wheelchair assist. Oh my God. It was so embarrassing. Have you done it yet? No. It's so fucking, it's awesome cause you fly past people,

but then you also feel obligated to show them how crippled you are. Like when I would get out of the wheelchair, like in security, I hammed it up extra. Like I took my cane and I was like, I can't walk without the cane. And I was like, dude, yeah, like that. That's how I got on the plane.

But I got to board the plane first, which was cool. And then everyone asks you, like, how did you do that? And, you know, you have to come up with a cool story, which I don't have. Oh, I pre-boarded with this thing. Yeah, you got it. And they're like, need extra time? And I was like, look at me.

Look at me. You think, and then right away when I got on the flight attendants, like, do you need help putting your bags up? I put the one up and I was like, this second one I could use help with. I do that too. I'm a little crippled.

I totally milked this injury. Like for fucking six weeks, you guys had to get everything for me and it was the best. And then actually I lie, around week four, you guys were kind of sick of me. I felt the shift and the energy of the house where I was like, can I just have one?

You're like, fine, I'll get you a coffee. I'm like, no, it's cool. I just got my scoot scoot, I'll get it myself. Yeah, we babied you pretty well. After four weeks, the coddling was done. After two weeks, you were like, you can get up, you can go to the toilet, three days after surgery. No, not true.

Not true, you're lying. Lying liar, liar, bad person. But now, like, so since you have that injury, don't you notice other people with your similar injury? Like now I see people in boots and I'm like, what's up dude? When I got on the flight back to Austin a few weeks ago, I stood up, grabbed my bag,

and the guy sitting in front of me, sitting in front of me, had a left robotic hand. And I was about to be like, hey, hey, hey. Same Z's. Same Z's. And I saw the thing go like, whoa, it was bionics, like fully, that's awesome. You didn't talk to him about it?

No, I wanted him to be like, did you get one of these? And I was like, no. Oh, God. Yeah, because we were in a restaurant here in LA and Connor McGregor was there. And I wanted to be like, same Z's. I know what this is like right now,

but look at me. I got the plates too, bro. I can walk pussy and just like. Because he was in a wheelchair. He was in a wheelchair with his leg wrapped and I was like, what, you can't walk yet? What's it been like a week? Didn't you see him again? Saw him again?

You saw him in the lobby? Yeah, yeah. We're in an LA hotel for a week doing these podcasts. And I keep my eyes open for him. And yeah, as PT comes and goes, I see the PT guy. I feel so bad for me. Yeah, he's in a wheelchair.

I feel really bad. Why do you feel bad for him? Per Connor? Why? It's just kind of a gnarly injury. Oh, he's fine. He's fine. You talk to him?

No, but I know he's fine. I saw, yeah, he's fine. He's fine. You were there at that fight. I was right there. I was sitting right at the cage. Did you hear it snap? No.

And at first, when he stayed on the ground and they cut and the round ended, then I saw the foot and I turned to somebody. I was like, this shit's over. Somebody who didn't, like, who worked there, they were like, what? I go, this is over. His fucking leg is broken.

Then they put it on the big screen. Everybody, the whole arena went like, ah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Man, like, that's an injury that my surgeon sent me a video of. I was like, have you seen this one? I was like, dude, this looks,

this is, it was so horrible to watch. Yeah. God. Ugh. It's gnarly. Yeah. And now I look at people. Anyway, I'm into injuries now.

So if you want to talk about injuries, I had the skateboarder on Scott Faff. He's on a Rob Dyrdek show. He was on Fantasy Factories. Rob Dyrdek's cousin. And they're all skateboarders. And there's some really great videos that he shared with us on where my mom's at.

Those dudes do the craziest shit, man. They're so, they're so rad. Like, they're so crazy. Who fucking does that stuff? Like, you're so reckless with your body. Just for the fun of it. Just for the learning how to do a trick. And he talks about how you learn how to do stuff.

And I thought that was pretty cool. I think this is a, this is a skateboarding one. So shout out to Scott. Thanks for coming on the show. Big cat. Big cat. All right, check this out. Horrible or hilarious, ready?

Yeah. Shaps. Oh, no, it's not. Thanks, though. Oh! Oh! Oh, they laugh at heavy fucking dicks. That's right on his nuts.

I wince a lot on ball stuff. Of course. Yeah. Can that damage your nuts permanently? Like, can it sever your nuts? If it's like a real direct traumatic thing, it could. Ooh. I mean, I would expect that that didn't do that to, like,

you know. What's the worst you've ever done to your nuts? Got need in the balls and kicked in the balls. I know. As kids, as kids. It's fucking brutal. So brutal. What does it feel like to get kicked in the nuts?

It's usually like a bit of a delay. Not like 10 seconds, but like a couple seconds. So it, first it's impact, you know, it's like if I get punched in the arm, let's say. Ow, fuck, you just hit me. And then there's like this traumatic like thing. You feel it like in your kidneys and the whole like lower pubic area, you double over.

And then for me, I mean, I could feel it all the way up to my brain, you know? Like you just. Ooh. It's just like, is it like brain freeze, but on your nuts kind of? Kind of. I mean.

Like, you know how much brain freeze hurts when you're like, ugh. I mean, the kids, you know, like when you have little kids, they'll graze you or kick you. All the time. When they're real small and they wear those hard toddler shoes. Yeah, I did.

They'll just kick you or hold them on your lap. And all of a sudden they just kick you. And you're like, oh, like, you know, but it's not enough of an impact to be. Why is it so funny? It's a testicle. But why does it make everybody laugh to see a guy? It always makes people laugh.

I know, I know. There's an entire, you know, 20 seasons of a TV show based on just people getting hit in the nuts. I know, I know. America's funniest sound videos. There's nothing better. Jackass. Jackass.

Dude, it's never not funny. Farting, guys getting hit in the nuts, and fat guys running. Those are just the three fucking best things in the world. Yeah, you're right. Oh, fuck. Let me see, let me see. Oh, this is gonna hurt.

This is gonna hurt. Oh! Oh! Yeah, you can see where his head hit. That's the thing is head injury. I don't like that. I don't like the head stuff, dudes. Thankfully.

He went too fast. You didn't have to break. You had to pump the brakes, you can't just go. You can see where he was losing control, you know. Full throttle. On that second to last thing that he did. There he goes, there he goes. Control starts to go.

Oh! Oh, that dude, that dude's face is fucked up. He's fucked. God. Thankfully, there's only one. I know this one's funny, because I saw it. You ready? Yeah, okay.

Oh no. Oh! That was terrible, Dave. Oh! Why are you laughing? Because that one was funny. That's not funny. That guy fell out of the circus ring.

Yeah, we go. And then he fell onto the other thing and he's dead, probably. He's not dead. That guy's fine, he's fine. Zolo, is that funny or is it sad? I think it's pretty funny. Can we search to see if he's fine?

I think he's fine. I think he's fine. The thing is when you go to the circus, everyone wants to see that. Like that's what you're looking for. That's why you're at the circus. Type in, type in daredevil circus, I don't know, acrobat falls.

You know what? That's a really good idea. There should be a thing called amateur circus where you watch people that suck at circus and they just fall and hurt themselves. Dude, that would do so well. Yeah, so there's gonna be an update here. I bet you he's fine.

What does it say? Do we know where it is? He's fine, he's fine, it's good. Hold on. It's in Massachusetts at the county fair. Okay. Salmouth, Massachusetts. So far, so good.

County fair, always bad. Never write a fucking thing. He sustained multiple injuries but not life-threatening. Told you. He's fine, he's fine. Multiple injuries. Do we have his name? Does he have his name in there or no?

Um, I'm not seeing it. Dude, this fool broke his collarbone. Totally fine. He's so good. Pussy. He's so good. Such a pussy. I knew he was okay.

You wanna see it again? Are you fucking bitch? Move, he didn't move fast enough. See, if I read the circus, I'd be like, that's gotta be part of the show. That was so cool the way he did that. Forever, every week, like you're gonna fall every week. Every week, you fall out of the thing,

you bang off the other side, you land on your back, everybody thinks you're dead, you're not. He fell on his neck too, like you see his neck? Yeah. Could you imagine, and he's paralyzed, right? No, he's not paralyzed. Okay, all right, I mean, don't get mad at me. You guys are the sick fucks laughing at him.

It's on my fault, you feel bad about it. You wanna see a real sick fuck? I'll say you're a sick fuck. Hey, everybody, Garth Brooks here, and the Garth Brooks Stadium show is coming home to Nashville. On sale, happens in seven minutes, swipe up. Oh, no, he's still doing the swipe up and the,

and who does seven like this, you damn foreigner? Is this seven? Yeah, I guess. Seven, seven? Is that what he did? No, he did this. Yeah. I guess I do a foreigner way.

That's foreigner, yeah. That's American. Swap up, nobody does this. Who taught him swipe up? That's not how you do it, Garth. He looks better here, he looks skinny. Looks good. Positive lifestyle, life is good.

Oh boy. He loves that shit. Yeah, broadcasting happiness might mean you miserable. This is going to, quote Zarfist. Freak you the fuck out, okay? Yeah. This is a YMH exclusive, exclusive. Who exclusives in one episode?

This is a big one. This is a big deal. Is this because I'm back in the studio live? I don't know what's going to happen, but all I can say is, I told you so. You're kidding, what? I told you so. Okay.

Now I know you have, I think a role in Nashville beat. We're going to show a clip in a minute, but have you thought about expanding that and going on to the movies, maybe be a cowboy? Yeah, I told them if they ever need somebody to be a bad guy, which is weird. I'd love to be a bad guy. No, you don't want to be a bad guy, no.

I mean, you look like a good guy, you know? Okay, I guess, I'd rather kill somebody. Oh, you are? I'd be fun. We've been right all along. Babe. I'd rather kill somebody. Babe, we fucking knew this.

This is the evidence we've been waiting for. From the start. He's a fucking psycho. I'd be fun. That'd be fun. Yeah, but do you know why, Tom? Game recognized game. You knew that he was a psycho

because you've got the same feelings that you don't bury. You're very open with your wanting to kill. Garth is just burying and burying and you can tell it. Tell, wow, he's so cute. I'd rather kill somebody. Look how handsome Garth was. Yeah, he's a good looking guy. He was a heartthrob.

He was digging, was he digging into Trish back then? No, this is pretty Trish. This is his first wife. So I gotta take off my brace. It's too tight. It's cutting the circulation in my legs. What? It's cutting the circulation.

Do you want me not to have a fun day? Have a fun day. Gotta take this thing off. You know, they don't tell you this, but the best way to recover from an orthopedic injury is not to wear the boot and don't wear the fucking shit they tell you to wear. What are you supposed to wear?

You just walk on it. I've been walking on this meat stick. Listen to the doctor. This is why, and at night, you drink and you take your oxy. That'll really knock you out. Okay, doctor's orders. Doctor's orders.

This is the Hungarian method. I take off these fucking bullshit boots. Fuck you, your boots. I don't need no shit. I don't need this. I'm telling you. I walk better without this shit on me, dude. It's much better.

You got a free ball. You gotta let that shit breathe, homie. Okay. Just go ahead and you can show a clip. Oh, okay. Yeah, can we mute her, Mike? Jesus. So, yeah, this is so cool to listen to.

Yeah, okay, man. Oh, yeah, because of course, many of you may have been watching the Olympics and you can't hear you because your mic is muted because you're dealing with your strap. When the Olympics were on, you get to see the way people get ready

to compete and I found my favorite clip of my favorite competitor. Get ready to go in as a female, I guess, judo competitor. Here you go. You ready to get in there? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. She's German?

Your mic is muted. I'm off. Was she a kraut? Yeah, it looks like it. She's going through her own struggle. She's got the, yeah, dude, this is awesome. This is how I live my life, 365. This is how I get ready for stand-up.

Yes, Martina, try this, go, you fucking bitch. I love that shit, dude. That's rad. That's how the Euros do it. That's just fucking awesome. Did she kill it though? I have no idea. Didn't even bother to look.

I just wanted to see her get slapped a little bit, you know? Shakin' and slappin'. I wish you'd do that to me before like a special taping. Will you do that to me? Ask and ye shall receive. No problem. That's right. I love it.

I was watching the swimming. Did you watch anything? The Olympics? Nothing. You know, now that we're like a kinder, compassionate or more compassionate world, I feel like it's not as fun, you know? Like back then, back in the day, it was more ruthless.

Like you were like, yeah, you fucking kicked these commies' asses, you know? Yeah. Like it was more fun during, when the Soviets were a threat, when we had enemies in the world, you'd be like, America's gonna fucking kill these assholes. That was a good time, right?

Yeah, I was, I mean, well, yeah. I mean, the Cold War, obviously made, you know. That was the best for the Olympics. It felt like an actual battle, like a real battle. It was good versus evil. Yeah, dude. It felt, and yeah, growing up, I don't think, I mean, we would watch

all the main competitions, you know? Right? Yeah, we definitely were watching summer and winter, pretty religiously in our house. Yeah, me too. We loved it. The only thing I still think is a stupid event is the ribbon twirl.

Yeah. We were like, how is that an event? But now there's new, isn't there new, there's new events now? Like didn't they, they just put that in, right? Which is rad, yeah. And what else is new? I don't know.

What are the new Olympic events? Skateboarding went in. Surfing, awesome. Let's see. Surfing, huh? Nice. What's that say? Karate. Okay, karate, okay.

Didn't know that. Sport climbing, okay. I mean, that's for these people that don't use equipment to climb rocks and shit, is that what that is? Baseball and softball. I disagree with that entirely. Baseball, how fucking boring is that for Olympics?

You need action, you need something fast. Softball, I like how they break down the difference for people. They're like the difference between baseball and softball is baseball is for men and softball is for women. Didn't know that. And while softball has a larger ball and slightly shorter bat,

both games consist of nine innings. Wait. With the teams alternating between offense and defense. Can I tell you something? This is a surf and turf moment for me. I did not know that softball was for women. I did not know that. I had no idea.

I thought that it was just like a bigger ball and anybody could play it. Well, anybody can play it. But on the, there's no like college softball for men that's only for women, you know? And surf is from the ocean and the turf is the ground and that's steak. That's right.

Now, the other thing that that rest of the article didn't point out is that the reason that women play softball and not baseball is because they're not good enough to play baseball. Because their brains are smaller. Yep. Wait, is it because our hands are tinier? We can't, why do we have to get a bigger ball?

I don't understand why we can't. So it's easier to hit. It is very sexist, no? Like the implication that why can't I just play with a regular- Softball pitches are underhand? I know, they're softballing you. That's what you say, it's a softball. So then why don't, I don't understand why

we just can't play the regular. The distance between the pitching man and the home plate is smaller. So not only do women work on a smaller field, they use an oversized ball. The reasoning behind both items- Pussies! Are you right? Women have smaller hands.

Okay. Don't have the power necessary to throw the ball as efficiently on a baseball sized field. This is fucking hilarious. So why don't they scale down other sports? For instance, tennis, no, think about it. Go with me. I'm with you.

Have they scaled other sports? They have scaled tennis. For women? Yes, of course they scale it. Is the ball bigger? No, not the ball, you only have to play three sets. Men have to play five. I did not know this.

Yeah, so you win two sets in a women's match and they're like, you won. I did not. Or excuse me, you won. No idea, and what about basketball? They're just like, hey, just don't make it too exciting. Yeah, it's not. And then.

Soccer, the women's soccer and everything, we'll think about golf. They play from a different set of tees. They play from the tees. So when you drive, the women are up there, the men start back here. Okay, so then you go there, and then what's all this stuff about,

well, there's no difference between men and women. Clearly, there are physical differences historically. This kind of brings about the conversation when somebody transitions from being a man to a woman. That's why I was gonna go next. And then they're like, what's the, you know. This screws up the whole thing. Let them do it.

And you're like, well, yeah, but they're bringing some of that male physiology and biology even in that post-transition to the women's game. Of course. And that's an advantage. I mean, the craziest one is definitely in fighting when a man transitions to a woman. And it's like, I want a box.

Or like, MMA competitor. And then just beat the fuck out of other women. It's dangerous. People are like, well, it's a woman. It's not. It is, but, you know, bringing over those kind of, those fists didn't change that much in the transition.

Yes, of course. Your musculature is much bigger. I mean, any- And you know, that's really happened, right? Of course I know. Didn't somebody get DQ'd for being a trans person in the running events before the Olympics? They tested for testosterone.

Yeah, well. And they had two high levels even though they had transitioned and blah, blah, blah. Well, that wasn't somebody post-transition. That was just somebody with high levels. A woman with high levels? Okay, I thought she was trans or something. I mean, that may have happened in addition,

but the most famous case is somebody that just had high testosterone. Wow. Because they test for that, for all the athletes. That makes you powerful. The T. T's what makes you strong. I can't wait to transition.

You're gonna transition? Yep. Cool. I just want to be stronger. I want body hair. I want to be, I just want to be more aggressive with you in bed. Would you love that?

I don't know. I don't know where this is going. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. How aggressive do you want to be? Babe, listen to me. Listen, I think I want to be a man. Okay. Are we still gonna be married

and raise our children together? Will our children call us daddy and daddy? No. That's so mean. It's not mean. I'm gonna cut these yucky breasts off and I'm gonna grow peanuts. The peanuts I've always dreamed of having.

Okay. Do whatever you want. All I'm saying is that we will not be together but we will raise the children. You know what? You're so phobic. You're just like. I'm not phobic.

You're so hateful. I'm not phobic. It's not what I signed up for. I didn't sign up for this. Okay, but listen, hear me out. What if I cut off these yucky breasts but I keep my vagina? And that's when I'm accommodating your needs.

And I just grow a thick, thick, beautiful beard. I look like Bert. Can you imagine kissing that mouth? Bert's mouth? No. All that gold in there? Oh my God. Every time he laughs or talks,

I'm like, there's so much gold in your mouth. So much gold. You look like fucking trick daddy every time you open your mouth, dude. Oh yeah, his teeth are like Halloween corn. Oh yeah. Thanksgiving corn that's on the table, the decorations, all the different colors.

So much. We've been telling him for years to get that taken care of. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. Yeah, why? I'm not gonna do it. Yeah, how much better he would look with like- Brett, a Kershaw or a Kershaw or whatever?

How happy are you that your buddy's back though? It's so fun to have him back. It's so fun. He's leaving again. He's already gone. Like maybe he's gone while this podcast is airing. He's going to shoot, go big show. Nice.

He's just working. He's a working mania. He is. He's a psycho with that. Jesus. He just goes from one thing to the next. Poorly, yeah. I know.

Have you ever smelled Bert? Like, does he smell? No, he doesn't smell. Do you smell his balls or anything? I don't smell his balls. Because I feel like his balls in it, because doesn't he never wash, like he doesn't wash his jeans.

He doesn't wear underwear. And he doesn't wash his jeans. I mean, I've gone days where I didn't wear underwear and it makes me crazy all day. Yeah, it's horrible. I love wearing underwear. I love wearing boxers, I should say. Yeah.

Like, I like, what is it? Boxer briefs? Those are nice, yeah. Those are the best. Those look good on you. I like that. Boxer shorts can get flimsy like your dad's. Like I've seen him in his flimsy,

like they turn into tissue paper. And he wears them for years. Yeah, why doesn't your mom like just throw them away and make him buy new ones? You really think there's a point in having that conversation after that many years? Well, it's the woman's job. It's the wife's job to just take over

and control the man and just go like, hey dude, you cannot, you can't do this anymore. I've taken the liberty of throwing this shit out. I got you fresh, fresh, freshies. That's her job. I turn into a telescope when I see your pants. Aw, buddy. You feel so good to me, babe.

That when I meet you and you talk to me, I want you to melt me like hot chocolate candy dude. And not with hot brown, but with cool. I love you, babe. You melt me every day. That's sweet. It's very sweet. We found him.

You did? Yeah, the guys did. Yeah. I wish you'd be that romantic to me. So, ready? Yeah. Hi, hi, babe. Ooh, why are you taking us to doctor pictures like that?

You got me in love with Instagram and I ain't never met you. Girls stop seducing me like that. I love how your beauty look. Bye, babe. Bye, babe. So he's sweet, he's very sweet. So sweet.

And what I didn't notice about his teeth is that he has two front teeth, but one of them is really high and it needs to be pulled down. That's all that I noticed. He's self-aware. His handle is president of ugly. Oh, I don't think he's ugly.

I just don't think he's teeth. I don't think he's either, but he's obviously leaning into that, meaning like he's self-aware, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But he's really sweet. So sweet.

He's such a romantic. You know, we could use a little bit of that in the Segura house, I'm just saying. You think so? I mean, a little wooing would be nice every now and then from you. The other day I farted and you were like, you're disgusting, you're like a man and dah, dah, dah.

I'm like, come on, that's like courtship for you. Did you see how your sentence started to describe it? I had to fart, sweetie. What do you want me to do? You're like a truck driver though. Like you just, yeah, like you fart in every scenario. And then you expect me to be like, here comes the romance.

Well, let me tell you something. It's because I've been on the road for a week and a half and I've been eating a lot of different foods. I don't care the reason. The bacteria. The reason doesn't matter. It's different. Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it. But you heard how powerful those farts are, I can't. Hold it, okay? And then you let it out when I leave and then that's the way you do it. This is exactly what people do. It's not what people want.

Hold your fart and then when I leave, let it out. And then. Once she leaves and you can just cut that dirty fart. Okay. That is not real. Sure seems like it was. Did we analyze that audio? Have we done the?

Have we done a forensic audit on that fart clip yet? Check's out. Check's out. What? Yeah. But that's what you could be doing if you held it when I was home and you did when I left. I don't want to fucking, literally, I'll lean over the bed.

Hey, good morning. And she's like. Where's my romance? Just a little romance, my goodness. This guy can rip. Christina's home. God. Well, what did you want to be one of those couples

that keep secrets and hide from each other? I just can't be dishonest. I see it as dishonest to not whip. I want some new dishonesty, okay? Wow. We did, you offered to shit in front of me this morning because I had to do my makeup. Yeah, but I didn't really want to.

It was my way of saying, why don't you leave so I can take a shit? Right, but you and I have caught each other shitting because of our crippled states and the kids are like opening up. It's the worst. Sorry. I was sitting in the toilet in like my three year old

to be like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm going to the bathroom. And he like shuts the door and then he opens it again. What are you doing? I'm like, I'm still taking a shit. And he's like, slams the door, opens the door. Are you done? No.

I walked in on you. I was like, I was wrangling the kids. I think I had like scooted by you and the door was open to the shitter and you're just like, I'm taking a shit. You were so defeated cause Julian had to open and shut the door like 50 times on you. And you're like, I'm trying to shit Christina.

I don't know. I'm trying. I'm trying my best. You can't close the door cause you can't, you know what I mean? Like you're sitting and you can't really reach. Yeah. It's been humbling.

I had to shit in front of you too with my broken meat stick. I was like, I just, I'm shitting too. Like Juju keeps opening the fucking door. The thing is though, when it's during something like that, when it's when someone's injured, it didn't even register. No, I don't care.

Like it's not even in my memory bank. I'm like, I don't remember it. I don't have many memories from the first three weeks of my injury. Like, you know, you get out of surgery and then you're just on drugs and then you're like, you just lay around, you know? Yeah.

Fun new game we've been doing with our kids though. We're on this new parent diet and I am feeling a lot of other parents do this too where you order a salad and a chicken or something like responsible and then you trick your children and then you eat what they're eating. Like, so you get like half of their pizza.

You're like, look over there, Juju. And then we work as a team because Juju gets mad. This little kid can fucking eat. He's a hoth, yeah. Julian, our little boy. That dude, I watched him eat a pizza. A whole fucking pizza. And then he was like, what the hell are you eating?

And then he just starts eating off of my plate. And I was like, God damn. So I just tried to return the favor. So, because if you try to touch anything, he's like, don't touch my food. He screams in the restaurant, yeah. So I kept pointing at stuff and he would turn and I would take stuff off his plate.

And then one time I pointed at something and then you grabbed it off his plate and then handed it to him at the table. So we got to work as a team to steal that kid. That kid really carb loads, you know. Fuck, well, I got this new game that I do in the hotel now before bedtime. It's just called Run Down the Hall

and see who can run down the hall. It's a great game. The fastest. I played it for like 45 minutes the last night. You let them, and mom has a drink. I got you a cocktail last night, dad and mom drink. And then we just sit at the end of the hall and watch them run back and forth.

And I gotta tell you, I don't give a fuck anymore. I used to be embarrassed about our kids being loud or boisterous and now I'm like, you know what? Fuck you. Like if you don't like this, go fuck yourself. We're not bothering anybody. It's a nice attitude, you guys. Well, I'll tell you why.

You've never been a fucking kid. You don't remember being four and just having so much energy. Or you don't have kids. You're not an adult. Go fuck yourself. Shut up. Don't look at me.

Look at yourself. Look at yourself. Yeah. Look at yourself. Yeah, good. I'd rather kill somebody. No! What a psycho.

I knew he was a psycho. By the way, his social media is doing really strong. It's really good. I can post on his comments. I posted. That's not gonna last too long. I'm over. I'm done.

Yeah, you put out a call to him. Yeah, he won't. I tried to do a post again and it didn't even show up. Yeah. But yeah, but they also took over his Facebook. You know that? Can you pull up his Facebook? Dead.

His, because it was all about Instagram and then we were like, why are we leaving Facebook free and open? Oh man, the mommies really can do it. The mommies do important work. Look at that fucking shot. The fun shot. Can you make it bigger by chance?

Yeah, ooh. He's cute. Garth is actually really cute. Sometimes they don't do him up nice though. Let's see. Cannot wait. All right. Well, those are some real comments.

Oh, no. You take four Beno drill. I don't know what to do with it. You'll be feeling that heartbeat. All right, free T-buns. Thank you. How many times will I be forced to travel the phallic and demonic labyrinth of the Denver Airport

to make your undeniable shows, G? Just can't help myself but to follow Proto turn into a telescope. He's just proud to be close enough to touch my camera through the fence. Oh, it's funny. Oh, someone laid their favorite songs. I got bodies in low places.

This is America, right? Keep feathering it, brother. Those are the songs they want to hear saying. Keep it high and tight. So sabotage. You'll have all the kings and queens above 18. Garth will be playing the Falcon car wash. Yeah, so they are transitioning.

They're moving over to Facebook. Wait till everybody learns about this admission. Oh, this is... Of how fun it would be to kill somebody. Yep. Never even heard somebody speak like that. We knew that he had a dark side when he did that, the alter ego thing.

Yeah, Chris Gaines, yeah. Chris Gaines, that goth alter ego. So he has a dark side. He's just not in touch with it. Like he doesn't embrace it the way you and I do. You know what I mean? I listen to Bow House. I get weird.

I get dark. You like to watch murder and your shows. Didn't you get into a new thing? Oh, the dictators. You were like... Oh, yeah, how to be a tyrant? Yeah, so it was cool because I got to hear about all the cool guys in history.

It's like when I was sleeping. Cool guy extravaganza. It's like a buffet of cool guys. It was Hitler, Stalin, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Saddam, Gaddafi, Kim Jong-il, Kim Il-sung. All the hits, all the hit makers. It was pretty rad.

I think the Kim Jong-un, that's his name, the North Korea. Yeah, I mean, that to me is so surreal to keep an entire country under avail of complete ignorance to the rest of the world is pretty incredible. So it's really something that should be more applauded. I'm with you.

Yeah, I agree. I wanted to go like, it's so hard to keep millions of people in the dark and they've done it. And I don't know why we're not going like... It's a pretty cool guy. Crops, pretty cool guy. Turns out...

You're a pretty cool guy. Like, I mean, they're essentially living in Disneyland without the fun rides or the food. Yeah, yeah. But it literally is being like, hey, Disneyland is reality. There's Mickey Mouse is the president and the leader and God is Walt Disney and...

Oh yeah, you don't have it. Internet, you just have state media, like into the home. Blaring into your home. TV has two channels, they're both state media. Yeah, it's like... It's crazy. It's really crazy. So that to me is more cruel than just murder than...

And plus they have like incredibly brutal labor camps where you're really just sent to die, you know? Well, the Russians did that too. The gulag gonna work. Then you think of that as like an old antiquated thing that you wouldn't imagine is still... Yeah, in the 1920s they had that, but it was 2021. Yeah, it's kind of cool that he revamps it

is what you're saying. Like he keeps it fresh. It's never gone away there, yeah. Remix. And they do labor stuff, like pick up this rock. Yeah, I did. Walk it 100 yards there and then go get this other rock. Like it's not for anything.

It's just to break you down, you know? Yeah, that's really neat. And then they had this different dock that I watched where they had an old guard at one of those camps and he, a lot of the people, you know, they escape. They tried to escape, some of them died, but they escaped to South Korea. And so that's where he was now.

Traitors. And he was like, yeah, you know, I would just find a woman that I thought was pretty and then be like, come to my guard shack and then I would have sex with her. I wouldn't force her, but she also didn't have a choice. It's kind of a choice. Yeah, he's like, you know.

It's like a holiday. I was like, I want to have sex with you. And she was like, okay. He's like, and then I got her pregnant. And then I was like, oh, shit. So, you know, we got her killed. And he laughed when he told her, he was like, I don't know what to do.

That's so crazy. That's like, but I think that's why we love Game of Thrones so much. There he goes. I love that you tied it back to that. This new show we're into. It's because it's- You gotta check this out.

HBO is the channel. Homebox office, is that what it stands for? Well, HBO Max or something like that is the app you have to download to watch it. But what's really cool about that is that you get to see the medieval mindset, essentially. And then to know that that medieval stuff is still going on in 2021.

Which is the coolest thing, yeah. In North Korea, hence how you learn shit watching your mom's house. You like to learn? Come to your mom's house. Uh, isn't that wild though that people essentially were like that in Game of Thrones and we keep evolving into a kinder,

gentler, human kind, theoretically? I don't know, do you think that we are kinder than, I guess we are a hundred years ago. Oh my God, definitely. We don't make children go to labor, do hard labor. We don't throw the elderly into the river. Did we do that?

I'm sure they did in Hungary. Yeah. We're definitely more compassionate. Yeah, that's true. I don't know how that's working out for us, but. Hmm, you don't think so? What do you want us to be, more violent? I don't even know.

You know what though? There's something to be said for deterrence. Like in Saudi Arabia, for instance, just hear me out, in Saudi Arabia, once a week they have public executions or somebody steals an apple off a cart and they cut the guy's hand off and they invite the entire city of Riyadh,

come and watch, we're gonna cut this guy's hand off. What'd he do? He stole an apple, well, stealing's bad, everybody. So you grow up watching the deterrence, the visual deterrent of like, hey, don't steal. And then guess what? Saudi Arabia, crime-free, kind of works. Is it crime-free?

Safe, absolutely. Pull up the. Absolutely, there's no. Are there any crime stats for Riyadh? Oh, practically. Same with communism, I'm not saying that's right, but I mean, it does work for crime. My dad always talks about how safe it was

during communism in Hungary, even though it was horrible. Like, crime increasing in the past three years, low. This says worries. Low, look, crime level, low. Right. Nothing fucking happens there, dude. Because they know, they know that they're gonna get locked up and they're gonna get their hands kind of off.

Well, no, that was a thing in, you know, like even in Russia. Oh, yeah. All the communist countries where they said, after communism fell, crime shot through the roof. Because the communists, my dad said, like the only good thing about communism is that there was no crime,

because the deterrent was so strong. Like, if you even stole a banana, dude, they put you in a gulag. So there is something cool to that, you know what I mean? We could do a little bit of that here. How would you like to apply this? Public execution, here's the thing, man. We still kill people, we just do it behind closed doors.

Why not televised broadcasts with the chomos, especially the pedophiles, public execution? I think it would really boost morale and increase people's patriotism in this country. There's not enough patriotism. Wouldn't you love to see a chomo get executed? Yeah, we don't do that though. We don't even privately do that.

We don't execute chomos. We don't kill the chomos? Uh-uh. Who we're killing, just people that kill other people? Yeah, in the few states that still have capital punishment, yeah, usually lethal injection these days. All the fun stuff's gone, they don't do electrocution. What?

Yeah, they don't do gas chamber, they don't do anything. That's not fair. Yeah, they just go like, oh, here, this Saturday we'll put you down. Humane, yeah, that's not humane. That's, but back to what you're saying though, we've become real soft, you know? Yeah, we should bring it all back.

You know what would be fun is if they would stone people. That would be cool. That would be wild for like a whole group of people to stone rocks. But who gets stoned, the chomos? I think we should be stoning chomos. Oh, yeah. We should do a public, what's it called?

They don't get to live, no. What's it called when you? Public execution. No, no, no, no, public. Firing squad? No. Stoning. Listen, just listen.

When you take someone's ability to... Sterilization. Yeah, like a public sterilization though, like. That'd be cool. You know what I mean, where they... Castration? Castration, that's what I was looking for, thank you. But public and painful.

Exactly, you stab them in the balls, let them bleed out. Well, because I like the added effect of shame. You have to shame the pedophile and then hurt him to get the point across. Yes. I don't know why we're being compassionate towards pedophiles, it's crazy.

Are you kidding me? I don't know. It's nuts. Anyway, that's why I'm running for governor. You do real well. Not here, not here. Not in California. But in Texas, I bet you got some boats.

They feel like... This bitch knows what's up. She needs to run for president. Maybe run in another state and do even better Arkansas. Oh yeah, it was so funny. I was watching the Johnny Pemberton episode, which he's so fantastic. He's so funny.

When they were trying to entice people in West Virginia to get vaccinated, it was like, we'll pay for college or we'll give you a free gun. And there's five free guns in the entire state of West Virginia. Yeah. Yeah, like that's not enough. You wanna sign up for the raffle? Five guns is nothing, guys.

At least up the gun, up the gun number. God damn. You can walk around Texas now just with a gun. I know, I know. Hey, I'm listening. I don't know if I'm about like... I'm listening. I mean, it's kind of nice.

I don't have one yet to walk around. Should I just get one in my purse? You can. Like I can just get a handgun and just walk around? Yeah, just get it. I want you to keep an eye on that purse while the boys are young. I mean, you have trouble finding your keys.

So I don't want you to be like, where did I put that gun? My lady gun? Yeah. Are you gonna get one just walking around? Why not? Yeah. People are super nice. They are. That's probably why.

Until they're not. And you give them a little reminder. Hey, hey. Pull up your shirt and be like, hey. Hey. And you think it's hot now. About to get a lot hotter. We haven't heard about the weather.

No one's been talking about how hot it is in LA. Yeah, nobody in LA's been bringing up weather at all. It's fucking annoying. I'm like, why don't you talk about weather at all? Well, it's a dry heat, Tom. It's not the same. It's not the same. A dry heat feels different than it feels good.

I left here yesterday. I think it was 106 and I was like, oh, it's so dry out. Barely tell that it's hot. That delusion of people in Los Angeles that they're like, it's not that hot. What are you talking about? It's so hot. Super fucking hot here.

It's just summer. Summer's hot, guys. Right, the time of year that is the hottest is always summer. Everywhere. It's just hot. Summer's hot. Unless you're in Australia.

Fucker. Yeah. I know. August, bro, it's hot. Bro, hot as fuck, homie. Damn. Yeah. I know.

You think you're doing good now? I think you're doing good. I'm doing good. So wait, when do you get to announce your tour? I'm gonna wait until Agent Jeans gives me the okay to use the right verbiage on something like that. Gotcha. You know what I'm saying?

You feel me when I'm talking about? I do. But I wanna think of titles now for the hour because nothing's worse than when you're editing and it's like they want the title and you have like a week to come up with something and then you hurry. I wanna do this at a leisurely pace.

So you guys, if you have any suggestions, let me know. I am leaning towards my struggle. I think it's pretty accurate. It's pretty good. FGT RTD is another good one. No, FGT RTD, I'm a huge, for girls that write till death is awesome. That's a great one.

I still think you should consider touch my camera through the fence. I think it's a really good name for a special. Touch my camera through the fence. And people be like, what in the fuck is this about? Yeah. Which is what you want. What is this about?

What camera? What fence? What camera weapon? Yeah. Nobody would care. What's the story? What? You know what?

You're like scrolling, like I don't care. If you were scrolling Netflix and there was a new Dave Chappelle special out, it's called touch my camera through the fence, you'd be like, wait, this has got to be symbolic of something. That's Dave Chappelle, but ain't nobody know Christina P. like that. Well, I'm just trying to apply that title

to like really well-known comedians. That'd be really funny. You could title your next special anything. Like take a shit on my face or I don't know, broken arm life or whatever. Why would I call it that? You can call it whatever the fuck you want because you're successful enough now

that people would be in tree. Like what is Tom Segura fucking? What is he talking about? He's talking about if you- Bootstraps, bootstrap nightmare or whatever the hell. He's saying that he's an American. He has rights to film on property wherever he's once. If he's walking his dog and you try to,

he wants to record while you're security guard, then he can do that. So you're like, oh, that's pretty cool. You can do that. It's a pretty cool idea. You can do that. Yeah. Pretty good.

I love you, Tommy. Yeah? I missed you. I missed this whole life here. It's weird. You've been a Zoom. I've been a Zoom dog. I've been a housebound.

I was housebound for six weeks. Boy, by that fourth week, I was like, I remember the day when you were like, well, you just take me out. I go, what do you mean? You're like, I just want to go outside. Well, you just put me in the car and drive around. And it's a real sign when I was wearing like sweaters,

like proper wrap-up sweaters indoors in Texas in July. Cause it's just AC just. Yeah, my blood is like frozen. I feel like a shut-in. I feel like I'm back out into the world, man. It's exciting. It is. When you've been cooped up for a hot minute, it's, yeah.

That was the worst part, honestly. Do you think God did that to you? Do you think he threw you down the stairs? God? Yeah. So that you would connect more with what happened to me. He was like, Christina doesn't understand. So he just picked you up and he threw you down the stairs.

And then he was like, now you'll understand. Probably. Yeah, I do. I think, I think so. I think it, man, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what, Tom. The secret to our success in marriage, I do believe, is our ability to constantly connect to one another. And this is like no jokie jokes.

I'm saying that you and I, we've always like had this evolution thing where one of us goes here and then the other one goes, oh, what are you up to? And then I'll kind of follow you on that path, you know? And maybe this is the way that we became more connected. I don't know. You becoming the new. The cripple.

The new cripple. But then I feel like you took the cripple title over again by this surgery. This is so annoying because all of much people are like, what'd you do now? Yeah. Did you fall again? No, I stopped explaining to people, but I was like,

I didn't fall. I had a fucking nerve transfer. And thank God, I had a surgeon who was smart enough to think about the next heavy segment on YMH Live. So he recorded it. He did. Sent me his videos and photos that are so fucking gnarly. I've showed it to people who are like ready to pass out.

Yeah, and you came home, when you came home to Austin, I had just done this to my hair, which is pretty drastic. And you were like, yeah, that's cool. Do you want to see my photos and my surgery video? Like literally the first words out of your mouth when you walk through the door, I was like, babe, how are you? And you're like, do you want to see the video?

And I was like, I can't, I can't. Like I don't like seeing you cut open and hurt. And then you showed it to me and I was like, this has to be in the heavy segment. This is so. It's super heavy. Messed up. And when I know it's your arm, I don't like that either.

You're seeing like somebody operate on nerves and stimulate nerves. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Seeing my fingers move around. So crazy, dude. Did you see Zello? Did I show it to you? I forget.

Dude, so gnarly. You showed me some of the pictures. I haven't seen the video though. The videos are like, it's, and I asked him, I go, can I show this? I'm like, he goes, they're yours. They're yours. I was like, okay.

It's a fun souvenir for you to keep forever. Yeah, that's kind of cool. It is good to have pictures from your surgery. I wish they, I wish I could see my breaks actually. I wish the first one, I did photos and things. Yeah, me too. The reason why this is so well documented is because it's a newer type of surgery.

Whereas my arm break and my tendon repair were just routine. They're like, this is groundbreaking. This is a new one. What we did to you guys. We haven't done this much. Yeah. That's crazy. It is crazy.

I wish I could see my surgery now too. Cause now that I'm out of it, I'm curious about the injuries. Like what did I break and how and how are you repairing this? Now there's all this metal in my ankle and it's crazy. Like I'm having to learn how to walk again with metal in me. It's bizarro. It is bizarro.

But life is fucking. Well, you're here so there's no other choice. I heard you bitches looking for me. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Love it! I've been waiting for this.

I love this shit. Here you go, man. You know I live for you. I always laugh when I hear men call young women gold diggers. It's like Roger, you're a 55 year old, very stinky chunk trying to date a 25 year old, beautiful woman. What do you think attracts her in you?

Your pathetic, bolding head? Or the fact that the only increasing part of your body is your blood pressure, huh? Maybe Roger, if you start dating women your age, you will meet less of gold diggers. What do you think? I love her. I love her.

She's great. And I'm, I'm smitten. Yeah, I like when she goes, you stinky chunk, Roger, a stinky chunk. She's right. She's fucking spot on though, but she's no lie. Listen, Eastern blockers do not lie. I bet you she's probably Ukrainian, like give.

Well the funny thing is like the gold, like calling a woman a gold digger, you know, it's an aggressive thing to say. But if you are 55 and you're like, but I like 25 year olds, this is what you get. This is what you deserve, I should say. This is what you get in. Made in America motherfucker, that right there,

just made that mattress so a couple of fat people can fuck on that mattress and feel like poor store, cause we like fat people. We want them to sleep well. We want them to fuck and have a good sex life. Big fat mattress. Okay. Yeah.

So he works at the mattress place? He just made that mattress so fat people can fuck on it. That's really cool of him. And I like his patriotism, I like that he's a pro-mer. Made in America motherfucker. Go America. Yeah. Absolutely.

There you go, man. Absolutely. When you are ready, you consciously allow the external sphincter to relax. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Again. One more time. What is it eating? What is it eating? It's so good.

It's a kaka. Real kaka? Mm-hmm. Oh. When you are ready, you consciously allow the external sphincter to relax. I don't think it's real kaka. It's probably like a fig.

Like a bunch of figs. The timing on that's pretty incredible though, right? That's pretty funny. Seriously? You don't think that's funny? Yeah, I guess if it... Man, you and I are not connecting like horrible or hilarious makes you LOL.

This makes me LOL. Your strongest attack is a front kick. No matter what. Just like that. A front kick. Snap. Throw your foot, throw your leg into it, throw your body into it.

I'm just gonna tear his fucking ACL. That's what I was waiting for. And be like, ah, fuck. I love that he does his front kick tutorial in jeans. Yeah, it's the least. Look, we're all a fan of jeans here. We are. But for fitness, you can't work.

That is great framing. Framing is impeccable. The lighting impeccable. And I do believe he is a martial arts expert. Oh, yeah. He's got a double black belt. Yeah, shout out to... Karate.

McDowjo life. We should probably do a deep dive on this guy. Very cool. These have been living in this washing machine and I was called to remove them. So I carefully lifted the lid and I found a beautiful hive full of honey and very gentle bees.

When I looked inside, I saw layer after layer of fresh honeycomb. The bees had worked so hard to build this hive and I wanted to do everything I could to preserve it for them. So I started to remove the outermost parts of the hive with nectar and honey. Then I reached the heart of the hive, the brood nest.

This is where the queen lays eggs and where the baby bees are born. Everything that I removed from the washing machine would be given right back to the bees in their new hive. But these pieces of comb were pretty big. So I had to cut them in half to fit into the wooden frames of the new hive. I secured each piece of comb to a frame using rubber bands.

Then I put the comb into the new hive. Next, I started scooping bees out of the washing machine and putting them into the new hive. As a professional beekeeper, the most important part of my job is being able to understand bee behavior. And I could tell that these bees felt comfortable with me as we worked together.

After most of the comb had been removed from the washing machine, I looked around and suddenly I saw the queen at the back of the washing machine. She was a strong and beautiful queen. So I put her in a clip to keep her safe and I put her in the new hive. It looked like most of the colony

had moved to the outside of the washing machine. So I used my smoker to herd them into the new hive using a little bee bridge I made for them. I scooped a few more handfuls of straggler bees into the new hive. Then I left the new hive there all afternoon. When I returned just before sunset, most of the bees had moved into the new hive.

So I loaded the bees into my truck and we drove home. I had just enough daylight left, but I was able to get them settled into their new home in my apiary. And it was another great day of saving the bees. That's pretty great. That's amazing. That's pretty great.

And she's not afraid of them and she scoops the bees with her bare hands. She also got a great voice. I like her voice too. I agree, I could listen to her talk all day. I could watch her do this a lot. Yeah. Very cool.

It was so freaking cool. I gotta say, most of the time, your talks are disappointing, upsetting, shocking. They ruin people's experience of watching the show, of having a good day. And then you put something like this in there and we're like, wow, wow. Yeah.

Christine is not totally fucked up. No, I think this is, I'm fascinated by her and I admire her and I love that she gives a shit about bees. That's just beautiful. It's such a cool thing. That's so cool. I don't know if people even did this. It's very cool.

Yeah, she's a cool account. Her videos are really sweet. Yeah, I really like that. Good job. Yeah, I think. Approval. Yeah. Do you think I could get a hug without a pat, pat, pat,

a dismissive pat? What's that? You know, when someone's not interested in you, we learned this from my TikTok, they hug you and then they go, okay, fuck off, the fuck off pat? Yeah. You think I could get a hug tonight

without the fuck off pat? You're saying that that's the only hug I give you? Usually, it's like, okay, that's enough. Oh, but last night you were so hot. I wanted to go hug you and your body was like on fire. All that calm was backed up. All right. Hi, my name's Sandy, I'm 50.

I'm not beautiful, but I do have a good heart. Do you want to be my friend? Do you want to be your friend? That was really cool. She and I have the same hair. Yeah, she's 50. She's 50? Isn't that what she said?

She said she's 50? Isn't that what she said? Dude, I'm five years away from looking like that. Looking like what? Sandy. I'm 45. Hi, my name's Sandy, I'm 50. I'm not beautiful, but I do have a good heart.

She has a guitar. A good heart. Oh, no, I think she has a guitar. No, babe, she has a good heart. I have a guitar and do you want to hang out with my guitar? That's what she said. Hi, my name's Sandy, I'm 50. I'm not beautiful, but I do have a good heart.

Oh, a good heart, an acoustic. Do you want to be my friend? I'm an electric one. Probably acoustic. Yeah, she looks like she likes to learn folk songs. Sandy, Sandy. Ooh. In case you are wondering, his other talks are weird too.

In case you're wondering, look at all the religious stuff. I want more, I want more, I want more, I want more, baby, one more time. Baby, one more time, baby, one more time, baby, one more time, baby. Free Brittany, free Brittany. Have you heard of that campaign online, everybody? Yeah, I've heard of it, yeah.

Free Brittany, so this is my question. So you've been sending me on a personal level, a lot of men dressing as women lately. Is that a lane that's opening up more? Oh, yes, so there's a whole new dive I've been doing on middle-aged to elderly men who have discovered cross-dressing. And there's some British men,

there's a guy that likes to sit in his garden and he models various dresses. There's a lot of men that like to go to thrift stores and they thrift and then they like to show you the tutu that they bought at the thrift store. And often it does happen in the bathroom that they like to model. And I'm not sure if the bathroom has better lighting

than other rooms in their home, but this is a common theme I see is like the shower curtain behind them and modeling. Cool, cool. It's really cool. What's up, guys, what's happening? This is a, it looks like we're at a casino and someone's at a craps table

and a guy is on his knees wearing, what is it? Like a submission harness, like a BDSM submission. Waiting for his lady to finish playing craps, very cool. Well, I think it's neat when you're horny in public. Like you let everybody know, like this makes my dick hard and you go out into public and then everyone gets to see what makes your dick hard. Very cool.

Would you do that? Nope. Could you imagine seeing this motherfucker? You're out in Vegas and you're like, what's that? Oh, it's just a guy domino. I would like to walk by this guy with Joey Diaz. And he's like, cut the shit. Stand the fuck up.

What are you a fucking dog? Stand up, grow some balls. Exactly. Yeah. And I think that's how everybody feels on the inside. I think that's, yeah. I think that's how we all feel. And then she would say something.

You two bitch, shut up. No one asked you shit. And then they'd be like, I'm scared. Hi, my name is Ken. I'm gonna, this is gonna be on TikTok for all the cute guys out there, sexy, cute guys. I think some of you guys on your guys will know shit on you all.

It just cuts off right there, huh? Yes, it does. Jesus. We've seen a lot of the desperate pleas for companionship on TikTok for women. And you don't often see the older, gay gentleman looking for gay men. So I thought this was unique in the TikTok sphere.

We just haven't seen this. Again, you know, one thing I'll say is that, and maybe this is stereotypical of me to label it this way, but usually, usually you find that gay men are more kind of self-aware of angles and the way that they're looking at aesthetic choices. And this guy's no different than most straight men who see on TikTok,

in that this is a terribly filmed video. You're right, Tom. Interesting. It's pretty cool that, you know, gay or straight, guys are fucking up. The cool guys are, the cool guys always stay cool. It's like, you can try not to be a cool guy, but ultimately, you show your stripes. You know who's cool.

Yeah, and this is a cool angle. Yeah. And it's like the glow of the TV, which is not really flat. I thought he was in a fucking hospital bed. So did I. And there was like an oxygen thing behind him. He was like, his mouth stayed up when he saw you.

He's like, hey, this is TikTok, whoa. The mouth is always, like stroke mouth is terrible. It's horrible. It's so horrible. Well, I hope he found somebody. I hope he found companionship, you know? Yeah, I really hope so too. Hello, TikTok.

On my way to South Texas on the plane. It's gonna take off about 10 minutes. So everybody have a great day and be blessed. I like this one for many reasons. Okay. Can you take me through them? Cause I hate this one for many reasons. Go ahead.

Well, this is the guy who likes to wish you a good, have hope you're having a good day, good weekend, good night, I hope you're getting your exercise. He's doing this while they're making the announcements, which is probably not a good time to make a TikTok on the plane. I see a lot of people doing these lately. Like, hey, I'm about to take off on the plane.

What the fuck? What are you doing? Hey, I'm on the plane, about to take off. Okay. Have a good day. Hope you're having a good day. I'm having a good day. I'm gonna go to South Texas.

Like, what are you doing? And then there's a woman behind him. Like there's always somebody watching you do this. Like, what are you doing asshole? I know. There was a guy next to me on the way back to LA who was like sitting fucking right next to me and trying to get the perfect selfie of himself

at six in the morning. And I'm, you know, he's doing it this way, but then behind him is the window. And then I'm like, what do you, it's six in the morning. Like, what are you doing? Let me help you out. Let me take a picture of you, man.

Yeah, what? God. What are you doing? Who needs to see this? Who needs to see this right now? Yeah, the answer is nobody. Nobody. Nobody needs to see your six a.m. selfie.

Nobody cares, dude. And if you're taking six a.m. selfies, you should want it to look terrible, because it's six a.m. That's right. That's the joke. Yeah. About to take off.

Yeah. God damn. I know. Stop sharing that. My hat is snatched. I am so lit. I'm going to be getting a new pink hat in a few months. Well.

Yeah. Well, how do you feel? It's just like, it's like, it feels like it's just a tour through an insane asylum is what, you know what I mean? Like every one of these, it's like you open the door and they're like, this person is schizophrenic. And you turn to this, this person is a drug addict.

This person has a, they're missing their frontal lobe. You're like, okay, that's, I mean, I'm getting a pink hat in a few months. Great. Cool update. What the fuck is wrong with you? You know, I think I was going through some dark times. When I was curating, I think the six weeks shut in

really affected me guys. I want more beekeeper is what I want. And things in that lane where it's interesting. When I was, like I said, six weeks inside, this is what happened. I went into the estate asylums. But she's cool, all her, like she's one of these women who is one of these people that like their whole identity

is wearing pink. You know, like she's like, I'm the pink lady. So every single video, she's like, I'm buying a pink shirt, doing the pink thing, eating a pink snack, you know, found the pink glasses. Okay. I'm doing good. How about you?

You doing good? I'm doing good. You ready? I'm ready to do good. I'm not stuck in my car. I could get out anytime I wanted to. I'm just saying it because I find it more peaceful than being in the house where a lot of people

like to nag or yell at me. If I could have more of my freedom in the car. That's why I do some of my videos in this car. That's why, why? So there's no stuck in the car. And I'm in the United States. I'm in California. Oh, California?

I'm not in Syria or other countries. All right. So that's what's going on. All right. He's not. Wait. That wait. He's not.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. That wait. That's funny to you? Well, because. That's funny to you. Because he. But this isn't.

I don't like that. I don't like the people getting hurt. I don't like that. He's fine. We already read about it. I don't like that. But that doesn't make me laugh. Because I know how much it sucks to recover

from surgeries and injuries. He doesn't have a fucking injury. But the other guy was like, no, I'm not stuck in the car. Which implies that so many people. Yeah, he's tired of that question. I've been like, are you stuck in the car, Fatso? And he's like, I'm not stuck in the car.

And I'm in America. Oh, why would you think he's not in America? Like that's such an interesting thing. He cited Serbia. He's like, or other countries. So I think people were like, you're in a fucking Eastern block country in a car. You're stuck in a car.

Nobody will help you because you're. Some Eastern European country stuck in a car. Oh, shit. What a world. I'm doing good. God damn it. First of all, I'm not retarded. I'm misunderstood.

Billy, out. First of all, also he's been, that is clearly a response to everybody saying that to him. Just like the car thing. He's like, first of all, sick of all you guys saying this. Yeah, he had to answer the haters first. I'm not retarded.

Yeah, that's great. My favorite is when people lose control like that and they address the haters, which in his, how many people, five people have been like, are you retarded? And he's like, I got to address this publicly. First of all, I'm not retarded. I'm misunderstood.

Billy, out. Billy, out. That's also an interesting framing choice. Good. Yeah. See, but I wouldn't think that he's R-worded. I don't see him as- This feels like this must have been a real dark day for you.

That you curated this. This was week five of being stuck in the house. Yeah. Yeah, week five, can't walk. All my TikToks are, I didn't realize I had what a dark theme. You're right. It felt like, I mean, the B thing was a nice palette cleanser,

but I wish it would have gone about three quarters of the way through it. You know, I went down a dark tunnel, guys. I can't help artistically where I go. It's like, that's where I was. You know, what can I do? Yep. I just try to entertain.

That's all I'm trying to do here. All right. Well, this was a lot of fun. It's glad to have you back here in studio. It's good to have you back. It is good to see you. Good to see you. Good that you're back here.

You good, did you have a good time on doing the show? I had a good time. You do good? I did good. Did you do good? I did do good. Okay, we're good. Our closing song is DP with Dad by DJ Crown Mulden.

We'll see you guys next week. Of course, don't forget that we're both out on tour. Go to christinapeonline.com for her tour dates. TomSugar.com for mine. We're adding shows all the time. Got a YMH live coming up. Don't know if it's been announced yet, by the time this episode is announced,

but we'll figure it out. All right, love you. Bye. Bye, Gene. How was your day? Like this broad put her beautiful tits in my face, and then Tommy and I, DP her. What does ADP?

Two at the same town? Where do you find the holes? Two, two at the same town? All right, where do you find the holes? You gonna come? Two at the same town? Where do you find the holes? Two, two at the same town?

All right, where do you find the holes? You gonna come? I never thought I'd fuck someone with my son. Dad, it was really a special moment. I'll never forget. I just, it was so good. Come on, buddy, two at the same town? Where do you find the holes?

Two, two at the same town? All right, where do you find the holes? You gonna come? Two at the same town? Where do you find the holes? Two, two at the same town? All right, where do you find the holes? You gonna come?

Who do you think will come first, though? You or your dad? Come on, buddy, come on, dad. Come on, buddy. You gonna come? Come on, buddy, come on, dad. Come on, buddy. You gonna come?

Come on, buddy, come on, dad. Come on, buddy. You gonna come? Come on, buddy, come on, dad. Come on, buddy. You gonna come? I think I could come again. I never thought I'd fuck someone with my son.

Dad, it was really a special moment. I'll never forget. I just, it was so good. I think I could come again. All right, buddy. Yeah. What is ADP?