Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 623 - Shane Gillis - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

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hey guys we got a bunch of new merch right now go to store.ymhstudios.com and get that hot new gear. What's your lady is she how long you've been together a couple months like five six oh you guys are in the honeymoon face yeah yeah yeah just banging all the time I do suck on her boobs what it do oh white baby here we are YMH studios here in Los Angeles California hmm I am Tom she is Christine we're here and we're in it I'm so happy to be back it's fun right I do I miss LA you have you have quite the story about how you're able to get up and around yeah I do it's insane I know so I went to my doctor I thought it was

impressive on my but you know from like the like obviously not a medical professional I know you're really up and around well see and I thought it was a little soon as well because only like eight weeks post-op I was able to walk yeah like I had a boot on and then I put on a brace so this accident happened how long ago three months now yeah three four now June 6th okay so I go to my doctor they x-ray me and remember I had four breaks to tib tib tibia to fibula no tibia fibia fibula fibula tibia fibula uh-huh one two on one two on the other and I dislocated my ankle right yeah ever

those are all my injuries okay so I've got all these pins and rods so the x-ray just to make sure it's fine and the doctor comes in and he goes listen you're like 99.9 percentile this is recovery freakish he's like you he's like most people aren't even walking at this point it's wild and he's like you don't have to wear a brace anymore he's like it's miraculous he's like whatever you're doing keep doing it and I go I know it was it blew my mind I'm like first of all genetics I do believe because I am wait a minute what's your tribe where you from it's my cockroach fucking DNA I am not cry baby pussy I get up I

fucking run okay yeah secondly I believe a lot of my recovery was due to your neglect and abuse and you know not Molly coddling me and I remember the first day I came home after surgery yeah you're like get up you can go to the bathroom and I hobbled over in my in my boot and I pulled my own pants down and I remember cuz you're like I need toilet paper and I go we'll go get it yeah when I you know you're like can you bring it to me and I go no I'm not gonna fucking baby you yeah yeah you know so you you I remember you were crawling on the ground army crawling with my arms and you go there's no toilet paper in

this cabinet I go we'll go look at another bathroom you crawled out of the room into another bathroom mm-hmm but look what I was doing it's called tough love you know fucking the Nick Saban way way I think Alabama's won all these titles you think he's like I'll bring you toilet paper guys okay I don't understand the analogy but I I agree something to the neglect yeah yeah I do think it has something to do with you know I do think it's more like I just wanted to walk really bad and it did hurt it is wild I'm not gonna lie I walked on that shit probably before like I just forced it like seeing it seeing it the day it had

like seeing it in person seeing it in the hospital yeah seeing and then like being like all right this is gonna be quite a recovery and then I'll forget I'll see you just walking around I'm like oh yeah you just but I know but it is literally because I would I would walk on it and it would hurt like shit you know my body like it wasn't ready to take that way and I'm like I don't give a fuck I'm just gonna keep walking and then I just push through the pain and you know take it night and that's it way to go I know I'm shines proud of you just don't listen to your doctors you know that's what I say he sent in a video for

you push through I'll show you yeah well it's dedicated for me I'm sure it's for you it's it's pretty it he seems like it's talking to you man yeah I didn't think my day could get any better I know what do you say we do we open the show and we get into so much to talk about yeah so much so much is happening all right damn it here here make sure this is ready I'm like dump that bitch dump that bitch here you go I wish the two of us could be together I want to attach my lips to your beautiful asshole oh god and stay there forever you can just feed me right out of it I know you're delicious

I like him he's fucking cool now this is a tiktok yeah but it's so spectacular they miss left the tiktok folders and I mean oh he covers everything he's shirtless yes it's not a great angle the room looks terrible it's clearly a personal message that he has decided to broadcast he's a love when people use social media as like well this is just for one person hey Sally I was good seeing you yesterday at the mall I miss you come home but his is I want to attach my lips to it not just not just I want to eat your ass I want you to feed me through it shit in my mouth so that I can get my

nutrition that yeah that's a bowl can I but can I a real talk yeah a guy like that's devoted oh I believe it and you know I hate to say it but you in the beginning of our relationship were kind of a savage with me that way where you were like I don't care sit on my face you just took a shit I don't care sit on like I want to lick your asshole I don't give a shit and it's so attractive oh it is well I married you I made two of your sons this is attractive a little bit a little bit as a woman I gotta say a man who's like I I'm so into you I'm so into you yeah I want you to feed me through your rectum yeah I want to put

my lips on it I'm like I'm here for it see I thought this would make you go like no no I like it but this is how you were with me you still are your savage yeah not like this like I don't have to feed you with my ass but you you don't care about like filth or smell that's true no that's true yeah yeah you didn't think I'd go that this way I did not I thought you would chastise this man the only kind I don't like is when he's like I want to lick your pussy I want to fuck you wait wait wait wait wait wait let's be consistent here yeah a moment ago we were celebrating him eating shit yeah as his source of nutrition and now

you're like you know what I don't like them or like your pussy because I'll tell you why the I want to lick your pussy plea is I'm so amazing at this I'm gonna show you a good time the I want to eat poop out of your butt plea is I'm here to serve you I'm putting you on a pedestal I'm demeaning diminishing myself in in your worship but don't you think that's different that's a different than I can lick your pussy girl make you scream like that's like fuck you you don't know what you're gonna do for me you know okay I understand what you're saying you know you see the distinction here I understand what you're saying I

understand this difference just let me eat you that's what I'm talking about like that one is not a good plea well it's interesting that we use him as an example because he is he has this message that I feel like oh my kind of straddles the two worlds right now and I want to know whether you see it as you know I'm gonna take you know I'm gonna you don't know how good I am at this or if you'll see it as a form of worship that you enjoyed a bragging boast or is it a that's what I'm saying it's worth a study maybe to we should kind of refresh with this with this cool guy exactly how he said it first this guy

right here I wish the two of us could be together I want to attach my lips to your beautiful asshole and stay there forever just feed me right out of it I know you're delicious he loves me he loves me he would do anything for me part of me thinks though see at first I'm like this is somebody he knows now I think he goes I know you're delicious it sound it sounds like I know you would be delicious correct in other words I haven't done that yet he's he's they're not familiar enough for him right be making this plea and that is also not okay alright red flag just wondering usually something you should reserve for

someone like hey you know we're together and I'd love to eat out of your ass that's different and that's the kind of worship I like is like I know you now we have a rapport we've been to dinner a few times and I'd like to eat I really want I'm really I'm so into you like I just want to eat your shit out of your butt kind of wish you would tell me that stuff every now and then okay so here's the one I want you to break down okay okay and picture of course this is a message to you okay your booty gonna be sweating hello but I'm gonna kiss your booty even though your booty even though your booty sweat listen to me even

do the big the booty sweat yes I'm gonna wipe it I'm a wife before your mama you're so special I like that no I like that message oh you do I wish you would have not recorded it when the train schedule I thought the train was perfect it's a nice touch he could have paused and then gone back for sound don't pause I like I like that he's like you you know your norm you're you're not an angel you know what's that Shakespeare my mistress's breath isn't it's not always perfect yet Shakespeare adores his wife woman it's the same thing of yes you're sweaty you're gross but I'm gonna lap up the sweat it's worship and I condone this I

like this message I endorse this message okay well thanks uncle thank you sunshine but the banana split and all that like that takes it too far because now it's inconveniencing me now he's gonna make me sticky and yucky and I don't want that wow okay your know was a banana split delicious you know they just heard you scratching your beard flex yeah you guys are just listening that was him scratching that's the sound I hear all the time they can deal that and then your armpit scratches when you take your bare hand and then you go yeah that sound yeah like man if there was a game hold on hear me out okay a game show of

what's what's this sound your spouse makes like I could do that lickety split like oh that's an armpit scratch that's a beard scratch that's a fart that's a you know what I mean yeah I know what you mean yeah oh oh he's yeah the sneezing and how many there's gonna be and everything I count I know yeah do I make any sounds yeah do I make any sounds do you make sounds I'm trying to think if you have like a real distinct sound nothing like the scratching you don't like it when I go clear my throat you get really upset usually you do you get more upset when I do it though well because you go you do that like you

like you you oh it's when you sneeze a lot you do okay you first of all you sneeze in threes and then you and then you have to scratch the inside of your ear and it's so gross and when you go sometimes it creates belches with such violence yeah yeah creates an air pocket so weird and then you're the weirdest thing you do is that you somehow belch right when you wake up like you sit up and then you burp I'm like you haven't even drank anything you haven't consumed anything how is it that you're burping just cool I'm just cool people dream to be able to do that somebody's wishing right now oh yeah somebody's like God

how come I don't burp when I wake up be so cool and then they see me and they're like that's fucking awesome man that's awesome yeah what a talent they're super jealous it's just weird like oh anyway yeah and then man this happened like two weeks ago and I still think about it and replay it in my mind like there's two things I think about no three one time my stepdad when I was like 15 I went to go kiss his cheek and then he turned his head and then we accidentally mouth kissed I think about that moment like all the time I'm like oh like he was you know there's that moment there's like my accident you know you're like

fuck I should have just not done that that night and then this new moment is I went to go take a pitch in the middle of the night and you had just gone to the bathroom as well so you you had come back and it was my turn to go and it's dark and I sit down with a little bit of force because my ankle is still weak you know like it's not perfect but I sit down and I'm like ah ah it's cold my ass dips in the water and then I look I stand up immediately and I look in the toilet seat is up of course and not only have I dipped my ass in the toilet water and it's cold there's like a pube menagerie a fucking wreath of pubes on

the porcelain and I'm ready to vomit and there's piss you know like trick trickle piss and then like chunks of brown and I fucking just sat on that yeah there is there's brown splats too and I'm like I cannot believe I just put and if it if it weren't to in the morning I would have taken a shower immediately and I'm still so upset that that happened oh and you were laughing baby laughs so hard I was screaming I'm like there's fucking people sitting in pissing pubes you're so pleased with yourself it was so funny to me that it got you like that man it got me it really did ever sit on you go to the

airport and you sit on a public toilet or something and then you sit on someone like foreign piss yeah I've done it so many times how do you do it as women cuz like some fucking savage some bitches are weird about peeing on toilet seats in public stand up the fucking hover yeah and then there's pee on the and I'm like foreign persons piss you're like I don't even know who's pissed this meaning non-American no this better be American piss you know and that's revolting in public cuz like I can't shower at LAX yeah so I have to just wipe my ass of foreign pee with toilet paper yeah and I'm like oh I just want

to die you just want to die all day oh it's the worst you would have you would have laughed that I met up with my dad and we shared a hotel room oh my god such a savage yeah one time I look up it was a it was like a big hotel room you know it had like like a sitting area and a bedroom but I look up and I just see him I'm sitting in a chair I see him just standing naked taking a piss I'm like oh my god just saw the ghost of Christmas yeah I just see his butt and he's just like standing there pissing like all right I just look down and then I don't know I ate something the second day and I had just the gnarliest just

wildest browns and you know it was a couple like when you had to go back and like woof and so I'm in the shower and I go to fart and something comes out of me no it's terrible I was like a little bit but I looked down and there was something on the shower floor kibbles or chunks like a little and I was like huh and did you push it down the drain you just went there it just went down I wanted I want to throw up thinking about it so disgusting but how fortunate look to be in the shower yeah what a blessing in the skies that you were in what the right place at the right time because usually you know it doesn't work out

that way I know did you push the fart out yeah yeah I was like it's empty now you know I went to fart and was like no it's not there was still something there it was their liquid to after yeah yeah it was it was worse it was bad it was not cool I mean it's the best place it can happen best place but it was it was not cool and then I went you know finished showering got out sat on the toilet more more came out oh sounds like you do you remember what you ate no no I didn't eat anything wild I think I just you know one of those things bacteria yeah different different different yeah did your dad get diaries too dude he fuckin he

came out of the toilet he was like wow I was a real blaster I was like cool I go in there to pee so I lift the seat up and there is shit it's like just spray like it's it's in the toilet how it's on top of the rim it's under the I know here's the thing and then when I'm done peeing I put the seat down some of it's on the actual seat I go how did you get that on there he's just like yeah that was really something I'll be how did you shit on the seat though how does that happen tell walk me through it because look we don't throw stones in glass houses is that the saying the dog listen yeah one time I mean I've lifted up our

toilet seat and there's been brown there and that's not my doing so is that just because it comes out with so much force yeah spray sideways like a spring it bounces off of stuff yeah yeah you guys are fucking sick the dog you take Miranda's dumps does this happen to you I sure do and well I know how everyone here shits and I'll let me tell you only Tom shits like that oh yeah he knows everybody's shit oh yeah yeah well he knows like he knows what it's gonna look like in the toilet after someone's done shitting yeah I know who's been in there depending on who last took a shit yeah real lucky that

you were in the shower when when you thought wow wow that would have been really bad the best place for it to happen absolutely fortunate God bless number one time the last time I sharded I was standing in our kitchen in the valley I remember and I was wearing pajama bottoms but no underwear and I thought it was I had I had pizza the night before cauliflower where were we for you and the we're in the valley here okay and I am I had pizza rev and I was really on a pizza rev kick the cauliflower crust yeah so spicy and so good and I remember I was standing there I said the counter and I was with

the little kids and then I farted I thought oh this is good and I felt wetness that's weird that I had a wet part can I tell you something I felt the plop the dookie ran down my leg and I go oh I sharded I could not believe it I gotta tell you something I threw those pajamas away right quick these stories don't make me want to put my lips to your asshole and get fed by you you don't really worship me then you don't love me get up walk your ankles not broken that's how I was get up no it's broken shut up it's fixed now the last one that I really remember before then was in redon bro remember everybody everybody

was on a juicing kick that was a big one and there was this powder called like something greens was like all the power yeah yeah yeah super greens or super greens vital greens or some shit people were people were like you got to take this stuff you know you don't have to ever eat anything else again like this that was your crossfit days yeah you were doing crossfit you were like so I'm like I make this thing and I was like it was like immediate like I drank the shake it was alright I'm in the kitchen and I just go to far and just water comes out of me I was like and the crazy thing is this one I go well you know I end up

getting you know cleaned up and the next day I'm like I'm gonna have that shake again I don't think it's the shake yeah same thing and I'm like well I'm gonna trust two for two on this one it's definitely the shake yeah it was a immediate though mm-hmm and I remember one time in redon bro you would drink a robex and you got so sick from robex it wasn't robex what was it it was the other place you don't have to let him know and you vomited in the sink you didn't even make it to the bathroom and at the time we we lived in a just a two bedroom apartment remember and you had to walk I remember this because I was

super pregnant we had to go so here's the bedroom here I have to get up and then you'd walk through the living room through the kitchen and then that's how you get to our bathroom and I would like like 500 times a day when I was pregnant get out of bed go there yeah and you poor thing you didn't make it right yeah that was that would happen you barfed in the sink and it was green I remember seeing the green oh gosh I also boarded a flight like that you remember that's right because you were still like headlining clubs doing a club doing your remember I was going to do I'm sure there's a podcast with this

that's super old somewhere down there where I was doing Virginia Beach and to get to Virginia Beach the routing was connect in Minneapolis right this is a Delta flight and I remember being in LAX going up this escalator to the departure gate being like man I don't feel good but not even considering well I'm not going to get on this plane and go to work you know just like I do I was like man I really don't feel good and I remember I sat I was in the front row of economy so like you have actual leg room and the and the bathrooms like right there my god I was the aisle seat and I sat down and they closed the door and I

was like I need to get off this plane and then we just started backing up and I was like I feel fucked up and I started sweating and that flight LA to Minneapolis is like a close to a four-hour flight and the whole flight I I went back and forth between puking and shitting on a on a plane right and then I land and all you want when you're feeling like that is you just want help you know so I was like I called my agent I was like I'm not I can't get on this connecting flight and I knew I couldn't get on another plane right away I was so fucked up so I called you and I was like find me a nearby hotel I need to I

need to go rest somewhere I need to go be sick somewhere so you found like the airport Hilton or something yeah I was right in the airport make the reservation it's not in but it was like it was close it's like a mile and there are some and just to just keep listening listeners if you're ever in a hotel there's one in Orlando I believe there's a there's some that are in hotel in hotel like there's in airports just you know if you ever get sick yeah but it's also great for if you have like a fucking flight you can like sleep at the airport Miami has one but anyway you find one like a mile and a half away I'm

like okay so now I got a place to stay I call my agent I'm like I'm not making this flight I'm I'm super sick man and the thing is when you're sick you know like you know how sick you are and you feel like you're convincing people that you're yeah you feel like you're lying yeah they're like I'm not lying well the booker thought I was making oh he's sick oh yeah I'm like yeah so here's the thing I finally take care of that now I just want to get there I don't know how to get there I'm like we're taxis I get in the taxi and he's like where are we going and I tell him where we're going and as we're leaving he turns around he's

like what I'm like yeah this is the address he's like that's like a fucking mile from here and I go okay and he's mad that it's not further he's like you know we we wait in line to get our rides they want it to be a 30 minute drive mm-hmm he's like you're I'm just gonna drive down the street and I was like I'll fucking tip you man I just I'm sick he's like why didn't you just take he asked me why didn't take the shuttle oh I go cuz I fucking didn't just drive so now I'm like arguing with the guy what I remember is that the hotel staff was really not they could like see it on me they're looking at me I was like I need

water I need a Gatorade I need you know and then I went in that room just to be like I threw up a few more times it was the fucking word was it a stomach flu or do you think yeah there's like norovirus you know it was like I think I remember that I was like I got it from you like the best explanation or what people thought the doctor thought was like that juice that I had the guy you know didn't wash his hands or something like I ingested I put my lips to his asshole he fed me through it you know pretty cool right good times yeah yeah good times it was pretty neat yeah I want to attach my lips to your beautiful

asshole yeah you know it was nice sleeping in a queen bed with you last night Jean we haven't slept in a queen-sized bed since we got our first sought for mattress yeah what year was that 2012 yeah we used to sleep in a queen together all the time last night I have forced love I forced snuggling on yeah I know where to go is great and Chris I had a lovely sweaty sleep last night I woke up dredged and sweat love it I love it Chris Larson hates it who likes that I love it you know I love it that's how I purify my body how do you think my ankle healed so fast what I like a cold room to sleep in yeah I

think that's what I prefer to yeah I made a cold by the way and then I got under the covers and I worked up a nice it's amazing yeah I had it I had it like an icebox it was like 67 in there yeah I know but then I sweat on I like to I like I think it purifies me I'm being serious you know when I feel like I'm getting sick and I go I need let me sleep I'm gonna sweat it out and then I sweat it out let me tell you I want to change topics for a second Chris Larson really appreciated your September video oh my goodness very welcome that was so fantastic I'd like to coach you through what I want for the October video

we'll see your September video real quick you guys it's September and the guys are really in my ass about my next post so here it is and in honor of national coconut day show me those coconuts I want to laugh so but what I'm really looking for in your October video is I would like you to lay out that the weekend's coming and that you hope everybody has a good weekend and that you have hope everyone enjoys themselves and is safe and that how great it is that it's the weekend and then on Monday we gotta go back to work and that's okay because the weekend makes it worth it and you hope everybody has a great week at

work should I be writing this down yes remember you know what I will shoot from the hip I think I'll coach you through it in person and don't forget to mention the weather I hope the weather is good and that you're not there enjoying the good weather and then you spend time with your friends and your family is good so so we hit the topics to hit are the weekend the weather that it that it's good yeah and that that we have to work on Monday and that the weekend's good the weekend's good and that you know even if I go to work it's nice to have a job so I hope you have a good time at work and works not so bad because the

weekend comes every week at the end of the work week okay this is very true yeah general uplifting vibe is what I'm getting yeah I like it delivered in a monotone way but yeah the messaging to be uplifting this tone exactly Tom are you suggesting that this should be his October video yeah his October video okay so Chris we'd like to see this in the October video that wishing people a great good week good day good we can good we can get outside and if it's not good weather hope you have a good time inside now another part of that video we're shout outs do we is there anything I should shouting out or no glad you

brought it up I'm glad you brought up I'd like you to find some people who commented on your September video and give them some shout outs in your October video and then also request if anybody wants any birthday messages and if you're having a birthday make sure you tell them and make sure it's a good birthday to hope you're having a good birthday good year many more good good birthdays pretty cool so birthday shout outs and just general shout outs it sounds like for for having a good a good weekend but but Chris I want you

like he's saying go through your comments from the September video and be like also I want to thank Marcy 719 who said that I did a good job on my last video thank you Marcy 719 and then like go through the people that complimented you and thank them yeah and then compliment and then thank them and tell them that you hope they have a good October noted a lot of information to take him but I think I think I'll maybe clip this part of the show and you can you know reference it when you're making a video now I mean so you can use it as a for my my personal yeah yeah yeah so like so like practice yeah right cuz this

is gonna take more than one take right sure I mean remember it doesn't have to be perfect but you know it should be pretty good and yeah because the length of the last one it's getting longer and it's getting better but I'd like to see it double in time length yeah sounds like you've got a lot to cover in this October video it does sound like a lot yeah almost feels like you should do two videos in October oh wow oh well October is a longer month it is 31 days yeah and I also want you to make sure people are safe during Halloween it's a good point it's a very dangerous day yeah um if you have a safe holiday and safe

travels if you're traveling watch out for the candy make sure to check it CP sure before we forget you did something super holy shit let me tell you something you guys you know dreams do come true and this is a such as it really started as just a silly idea it's actually it started with me on where my mom's at I'm a huge cray Sean fan and I was rapping Gucci Gucci I know all the words to this I've listened to this song for a fucking decade she saw the clip we reached out we were she reached out to me whatever on DMs we started going back and forth cray Sean came on the show I throw out there hey why don't we do a

mom's song let's rap is a joke she goes yeah sure I go you're kidding me so right before the Pandy we got into the sound studio you know I'm saying and we recorded a rap song I'm a rapper producer director editor and and then the Pandy happened so we didn't get to shoot the music video so two weeks ago I think it was now came to LA Mike Petty the great director he's a he's a movie director and he did the Zara face video that we started yeah shot right here shot right here at YMH Studios he agreed to do the music video and we recorded a music video to the mom song cray Sean and myself and this is

not the video but this is a teaser this is the official teaser we're gonna drop the video when next up maybe I mean we'll just put it on the channel right on the official YMH channel you guys it was I mean look I put a lot of effort you did you dollars into this this cost yeah six figures it was ridiculous right what you want me to buy Birkenbags or make a music video okay and I'm saying like I'd rather make a music video and make the world happy I don't need here's your cheeser okay okay guys here it is I love it yeah I'm excited for you don't we look official you guys do it looks

legit she is so talented she is I mean listen I obviously I'm a comedian first it's rapping is my a vocation if you will but to watch her really like it's just amazing to watch a real rapper you know we did it when the Zara face guys were here it's just as natural you watch them rapping and then you're like what the fuck you just do this no no so I can't wait to drop I can't wait for you guys I'm excited for you it was such a fun thing and yeah I can't wait it's gonna be good yeah you know that I've been really into for a while now chiropractor videos it's the oddest thing to enjoy I really don't understand because I'm

I'm wincing the whole time I like it I love it you like them too I hate it yeah I like watching them yeah get an adjustments like I like all of it yeah I mean when you watch them don't like mmm I'm like every crack you're like that's gotta feel good like I feel it for them this though this got sent to me quite a bit how I legitimately thought when this was set up the first time that we were gonna get someone ripped in half to that's drawing and quartering they used to do the medieval period yeah horses do you see that people had photoshopped you as

the guy no me as the guy pulling the pin yeah it's really cool stuff we have the best fans would you let me do this to you I don't know man I don't think he looks hurt he doesn't look hurt at all this technique looks like it creates more problems than it saw it could it could hurt yeah but he doesn't look hurt right no no but also like it's because it's actually I think it's bungee cord you know like he bounces it's not just like a straight yeah it's not really a controlled adjustment is what you're saying it's not we also that's not my problem area my problem area is not my entire spine and my entire lower back

stuff mostly but you imagine it does feel good can we watch it again because first he gets he gets stretched and then he goes up so his body goes like this and then that right that's kind of a this is Russian of course so it's got some bounce to it which is what I didn't didn't know it was happening and they're all like they're having a great time you want to try it look man if you want to rig one of these contraptions up at the new studio you know maybe I'll fuck around on all right oh my god could you imagine by the way we didn't get to say because these are obviously being recorded in advance but

hopefully the live show was a blast I think it was yeah we don't know we had a lot of things planned a lot hope they happen hope they happen to we spent a lot of time on that be a real weird moment if the live show didn't happen but member last week member it was pretty damn good yeah yeah that was amazing Zara face came mm-hmm very very cool Zara face Jessica curse on oh my gosh there were pretty I know there's pre-tape segments that we've already shot so hopefully those went well you tased a man I think so that was awesome I think so tazering I think it was great our outfits were great hopefully people got

disgusted during the heavy we had a very heavy mucho heavy hopefully the mariachi band worked out that was fun too those guys were great yeah they're great we've sampled them so oh yeah they came to our sons a third birthday yeah surprisingly easy to get a mariachi band to come to your house yeah it's very odd yeah would you do this no I'd pull the pen you pull the pen yeah I wonder what damage like I wish we could have a doctor weigh in on like what could potentially go wrong here I think I could guess you think you just get paralyzed like your neck snaps easily right you could dislocate some things

joint damage joints yeah they just rip your joints out huh strange damn rip you fucking joints well you know you used to have this many vertebrae yeah yeah he's strong though he's got a lot of muscles and stuff he can you know yeah I don't know I don't know I would definitely get ripped in force that would fucking me up bro listen to this message because I think brittle and middle-aged and you need to listen to something when you say women's support to eat booty game you're saying women is eating the booty yeah you don't have your legs in the air though it depends yeah adorable shout out drink champs and ORE trick daddy

letting you know yeah that dudes get eight out to well yeah he does and he does it's kind of he's kind of looking at you saying what's up with you well you've got diarrhea right now okay how about tomorrow you still have it my can we yawn up for the record yeah you know me talking about sharding doesn't entice you to put your mouth on my b-hole this morning as I showered what happened I had to take a shit mm-hmm in the hotel and you browned as I showered doesn't you know you think that entices me okay here's what I say what's up with tomorrow well so what tomorrow nothing you

go you know come on tired you're tired there I go I can't do it trick daddy says that you got to do it yes no I don't want to do don't make me maybe you know what really needs to happen you need to get buttered up a little bit I've got a very special request going out to Brianna my beautiful absolutely gorgeous big breasted queen you have got the beautiful breast beautiful and that butt oh my goodness it is so beautiful nice and big that is from your friend Angelo he wanted me to compliment you on everything you are beautiful your friend Angelo loves you he absolutely loves you he wants me to tell you yeah to put

your feet on the ground and take off running get up have fun enjoy the day go out there and then inspire somebody tell them that they are beautiful the way that he thinks you are I really think you're beautiful you got some big beautiful mommy milkers I love them you take care of them you be proud of them okay and I love that but don't don't very nice okay you have a beautiful day my queen okay I changed my mind I want Chris Larson's video to be like this I don't know if I can go up against the Kings that's a total order I want the Chris version of this dude I know because here's a thing the Kings got an

element of purveness to him you know like also I don't it's beautiful as to word I don't think Chris I you're the smart one yeah unlike unpackful I don't think this is a word here we go do you also think she was fully talked when she was all fired up about that yeah no impactful is not a fucking word oh my god it's a corporate here again the diminutive space no but diminutive space is not a word huh we saw I saw in the comments that a diminutive means small again yes you're right but in that context that could be an accurate diminutive space the small space of this art possibly but we created possibly I guess

but we created it as a saying we literally look up how impactful I'm not diminutive space but you're still saying that impactful is not a word I still hate it and I hate it going by it's it's a made-up you know she made me think that I was crazy right this was like a dozen years ago and I was like yeah I'm impactful she was like that's not a word I was like oh my god it's not like yeah she's really good at that yeah a corporate you're real good at gaslighting yeah someone claims to read but I don't read anymore not since I had children I don't read my brain is gone what yeah it's clearly I don't have time to do

anything your brain is gone yeah no I'm fully retarded now yeah I 100% agree I think I used to be smart and I'm not and that's fine I don't care I don't miss it I don't miss reading or being smarter than I am people are like why don't you do that's deep row anymore I'm like I can't read anymore I can't read books nothing in my mind in order to meet low emission requirements a double vacuum advance distributor has been developed its purpose is to assure that the spark will be fully retarded when the engine there is a separate diaphragm and vacuum chamber for retired position that works opposite to the advanced diaphragm when

the throttle is closed a vacuum at tube a acts on the retired diaphragm which moves the breaker plate to retard ignition I thought you'd like that the result is as soon as the throttle is opened the advanced jumps ahead six to eight degrees when it is closed the spark is quickly and fully retarded like that that's the best thing ever gosh I wonder what year this is like this is 2013 that was great throttle closed equals what yeah I do I think my throttle is closed but don't you think Tom yes me but seriously though do you think having too small like maybe just having two small kids it has made my

brain dumber there's things that you just so tired what there's things that you just go like oh yeah I have no capacity yeah for something anymore yeah yeah like I don't have like something major will happen in the world and you'll be like oh you didn't hear about that I'm like no well for less upon no I've been wiping asses and everything major in the world you don't care yeah don't care I don't I don't care because it doesn't affect my me my immediate world is mom give me water mom I have to poop mom wipe my ass so like that's my that matters I watch sports less you used to watch it more that's right there's no time yeah it's

like just you know for entertainment enjoyment and I'm I miss entire seasons the season will end of that sport and I'll be like what happened I'm like you didn't like no miss didn't yeah well we were just talking last night you know we were we're staying in a hotel we we only hear for a day to shoot all these podcasts right now two parts but anyway we're only here for a night because we don't want to leave our babies and I was laying in bed with you and I'm like remember we used to just like lay in bed and laugh and like snuggle and let you like no no like no we did we before we had kids I don't remember that we would

just like we just had all this time to sit around yeah it's honestly I don't remember it God it's funny because I I really cherish that time in our marriage and sometimes I feel bad bad not badly I feel bad because I'm like does he miss that I literally do I go gosh I because I give all my snuggles to the children and to the dog and then you're like last on the snuggle sheet the call sheet true so I go but here's the truth zero recollection don't care yeah I mean I would say I don't care I don't recall we get the best you don't remember being in like Silver Lake and and and just like at the every every night okay we watch

our shows and then I'd be like come here come come talk to me and then we lay down and then we would just laugh and and play around and you lay on top of me and push the air out of my body and stuff remember somewhat okay I mean I'm don't forget that I'm fully retarded so those were good times yeah I mean it seems like a lifetime ago it's like asking me like you remember sophomore year of high school like that's what I feel like you're asking me and I'm like I guess I know like what did we do before children now now looking back all that free time what the fuck did we do yeah we just watched TV all day I think

we watched a lot more television because you and I were both lazy like when we weren't working we were just hanging out yeah we just work we worked a lot yeah that's true it and we had don't forget that it was like we're dating we have full work schedules yeah we're working you know eight ten twelve hour days on certain things yeah and then doing stand-up at night yeah so it all kind of just feels like it really does feel like remembering high school like remember you go to school and you had class and you like yeah I remember we went to parties I remember things like but where it feels like taking up the you know the

big part of my memory I'm like I my memories are so stuffed with these last five years you know is it such a huge change it's such a huge change but it's funny because I it's not funny I think your mom's house is is from that time you're right before children no you're right you know you and I probably if I listen to it I'd probably like oh yeah you know it would probably spark more memories yeah this is our idle time together of just like yeah oh my god show me how those big tits fart you know like all the stupid shit that we were just say to each other you know like the mommy dance and like wearing your

jean like all that stuff was just silliness silly yeah by the way if you haven't we keep telling people you got to check out this thing Game of Thrones oh my on HBO what a show you really knocked it out of the park and no one's talking about it so upsetting what a sleeper sleeper so where you and I I've got ahead of you in Game of Thrones I got so into it now you need to catch up to me so that we can watch the program again yeah and it's quite a program yeah is they're doing a great job well you know what I realized is that you and I are not joiners and so when someone's like you got to see this you got to do

this you and I immediately are like no thanks yep don't want to fucking do it I'm not and we're not saying that that's a good thing it's just how it is no we're assholes yeah but it took us a decade later to be like oh what are we gonna watch I heard about this show yeah ten years I remember it like when I first heard about this show and someone's like and there's dragons I was like I'm good I'm fine nerd alerts go watch dragon talk dragon chat so a lot people heard me say it on Rogan about my father sending me photos of his taint oh boy and and then continuing to show me them so we're gonna give him a call

here in a moment and hopefully get the scoop on why he's doing that all right okay and then we'll come from there we'll go we'll have our guest sounds good you ready yeah gee let's do it party all right let's call my dad okay let's see if this cool he just hit his unavailable hmm try again dad hey buddy how you doing how's it going man good good how's your day feeling pretty good yeah well dropped a really big one this morning okay and that always makes me you know it is at this point in my life that's a highlight of

the day okay just taking a big shit oh yeah what do you think caused it to be so big well it wasn't I haven't had that much food because I've been watching what I've eaten but it just I think it was kind of a blaster you know and I'm on the way home from picking mom up with the doctors and then suddenly I got to go and should I stop and in the McDonald's or something well I've done that before and somebody's been in the men's room and then you really got to squeeze your legs together yeah in a couple times I've had I had a little leaky okay so I decided so I'm getting all the red lights on the way home yeah

and I'm squeezing and this and that and comes and goes and finally finally get into the house and you know and turn it around sometimes that happens because relax your muscles we turn around get the toilet in a room oh my god yeah well you know I am I shared a hotel room with you recently and after you use the toilet the entire underside of the of the toilet and the rim of the toilet and then even some on the seat had shit in it I know well you know I got a different nozzle than you do yeah I mean yeah sometimes they go like that and you know I guess you're supposed to clean them up after is what I forget

yeah no I noticed that so what I wanted to ask you about was I went through the unique experience of having you text me photos that I didn't know what they were and then yeah you called me later and you're like did you get what I sent you and I go yeah and you go that's that's the space between my scrotum and my anus and I have it in oh yeah yeah yeah yeah this was a this was a problem this was a problem that goes back a year ago and I got like a little infection in there I don't know a pimple or something and I think it what happens back to know what happens I took a really big hard shit in my skin straps I think I I cracked and

got infected went to the doctor and you know it never really healed up and then on Mother's Day when we were down in West Palm Beach with you yeah I had like a boil down there okay so I went you know I went to the doctor and he said explain the history and different I went to different doctor dermatologist different dermatologist and he said you know you got to get that looked at so I went to see my buddy the surgeon and you know he explained to me that probably the best thing to do is slice that place open because what had happened was the infection over repeated infection it was like a tunnel under the skin if you

think but it just bored like you know what the neat thing is is that I get to hear the explanation but also see the photos of my dad's tape yeah yeah yeah because you can just tell me about it but I am glad no no I'm you know I'm you're my son and I believe in full disclosure and mom mom said that she was really thrilled to be your photographer that you would hold your legs up in the change my die-die position and that she would take photos and then show them to you and you're like no that's not good enough take another one so she had to and they were well it was multiple photos what's that she said well lit well lit

for us oh yeah well she you know she builds herself as an expert cell phone photographer if there is such a thing and so she wanted to make sure it was just right yeah and actually I got it kind of a history on this but it's still it's still not healed if doctor says it might take three months to heal a lot of people are asking me if I don't have if I can share your photos can I share those photos oh I don't care absolutely doing it you can I post them on Instagram well I'm not an Instagram guy okay no I know you're not I'm asking you if I can but you can do yeah you can if you want to sure okay sure I mean it could be

educational for people I think they would really like that because you also showed me like I think there was some like some pre-op photos and then the stitches and then some post-stitches well the stitches well when I took my first big stitch a shit one of the stitches pop oh no yeah so that's why it kind of opened there and the doctor says it might take three months to heal oh my god it sounds like an appease you out of me like I had my babies yeah he said it's kind of like it it's kind of like an apesia to me very yeah Christina you know she knows the stuff yeah absolutely and you know it it kind of

made me appreciate what women go through in childbirth well it listen because it sounds like you you tore your taint browning is what you're telling me he pushed his own baby yeah yeah so yeah I did I mean it's it's and you know I go through all kinds of cycles with you know with my disease and GI problems and stuff so every once in a while I get you know a true brick okay right and really stretches things and that that's kind of what started this and so I hope you're because I don't want you to have something like that happen again staying hydrated I know you're not a big fan well H2O as most men in your age group well

I don't drink I drink what I drink is g0 or g2 what it's a gator 99 Gator it's 99 point something water so sugar water yeah look as long as you're drinking that just something because I remember also in high school you would go on these jogs in fucking Florida and it's 97 degrees and you get back and you have a diet coke psycho I did that you know but I really like I really like jogging in the heat no yeah that I get that I get it but but top dog after if you're very thirsty and then you drink a diet coke doesn't that make you feel thirstier no you don't feel like you want so is your is your taint is your perineum the space between your

scrotum and your anus bothering you like day-to-day like right now is it sensitive well it's it's it let's put it this way you know it's there but it doesn't really hurt because I'm kind of careful and you know when I sit down watch TV I kind of lean to one side of the other and then when I get out of the car you know I have to squeeze my cheeks together so I don't hit the top of the seat doesn't rub in the middle there yeah also that the skills skill set that I want that is a nice also you may want to try some coalesce you know when your taint is healing that coalesce yeah yeah yeah I have that I have that and I

have metamucle fiber capsules or capsules are a lot easier than the pills let me that'll help and and try to lay in the powder and lay down don't don't sit on your taint that's gonna make it ache try to lay down so I just yeah I lay down I mean so you know but I it's it's healing it's this healing really so I'm gonna go back to the surgeon here and we could do it have him take another look at it well when you do make sure you get a couple photos okay oh I will and you know I share them with with you buddy oh can't wait can't wait all right dad I know you got somewhere to go I love you and I'll talk to you later okay he's so

funny so what do you think his diet is remember he's like I've been watching my diet like what do you think a good day of eating he is so full of shit when he's like I'm watching when I eat it's such bullshit yeah no he he will literally first of all I've seen him I've seen him go like you know take a pill you know vitamin or something and take let's say this was water he goes uh see I'm drinking water and I'm like that's a sip to have the the pill go down he's like yeah with water and I'm like yeah but you didn't drink water like that's a you just had like half an ounce of water and he's like that's like the water I needed

to drink for today and you like wait what are you talking about like it's no water it's no water I don't think I've ever seen my dad I've seen him work for like a whole day on a bottle and get like there yeah he's like drink drink this today and I'm like yeah that's not you didn't drink water man how does that generation of men not all have kid they fucking hate it they hate water I know it's so crazy but my dad did get kidney stones from not drinking enough water yeah the only time I saw him drinking somewhat of water it was soda water he would only drink carbonated that's not the same oh yeah a little bit of that or

you know he'll do so I had iced tea iced tea is fine okay if he also if you're like you know you really gotta try to eat a little healthier he's like what about uh what about on Monday when I had that uh remember I had that salad and you're like yes three days ago with one of your meals you had some salad he's like but now I'm not healthy and you're like I mean you got to do it all the time remember when you told me he ate lettuce yeah when you guys were together and he wanted full credit he's like look at this lettuce on this burger vegetables like and that's the thing is like I know that he knows what he's saying you know

I mean he's not like some dummy I'm like you know what you're doing right now right yeah do you think you're tricking me he knows he knows all right um well he's the best I'm really excited for our guest oh me too so this would be great we'll take a quick break and we come back the great Shane Gillis will be here what it do whoop whoop this episode is brought to you by our partner whoop I love my whoop I haven't had it on for a minute because I got hurt but now I'm back and I'm at it and I'm hurting people and I'm training and I'm running and I'm lifting and I like whoop to tell me how many calories I burn torturing that soul and

it's amazing that I get all this insight into my body I mean strain coach sleep coach ah get at it and I know it all because a whoop whoop lets me know if I've recovered well if I've slept well and best of all I love the sleep coach because the sleep coach will tell you hey Tom it comes on your phone I have it on the app and it says hey dude you want to be able to get at it after it tomorrow you want to hurt something tomorrow go to bed by 1045 and sleep until seven and then I know I'm ready to go I love it for our listeners if you've been thinking about giving whoop a shot there's no better time than today for our listeners you can save 15% off a whoop with the code your mom go to whoop whop.com use the code your mom at

checkout to save yourself 15% off today know yourself with personalized recovery strain and sleep insights from whoop we're back and joining us now is a very funny comedian you can see his special for free on youtube right now it's called live from Austin give it up for Shane Gillis let him hear it everybody hey we are so happy dude I I gotta tell you man I I legitimately laughed so hard watching your special damn like it was really really funny so really funny and we're hateful cunts who don't I mean as stand-up comics like you know you don't laugh at other comics you're more I feel like I'm being I'm gonna be a hateful cunt too but I actually feel like it um the main thing is that I just get bored watching stand-up you know

because and I'm not even saying because like I my taste is it's just that like I've seen so much I've sat in a thousand showrooms that you go like well like maybe something will start funny and then after like the second thing I'm like I mean I watched your whole I laughed so hard oh thanks it was really funny and I I fully endorse like if you just go on youtube you don't have to sign in and fucking watch it really funny it's on your channel right yeah it's on Gillian Keeves Gillian Keeves yeah which is another fucking hilarious sketch show yeah in John McKeever made because I I think I messaged you on that trump dating yeah yeah yeah dude and you know what I was fun I don't want to give away your your you know bits for the from the special but you make you address the fact

that you're like I figured out how to do trump yeah in the special and because when I when I message you you know I think when you watch a sketch where someone's going to do trump or an impression you're like this is uh this is going to be a high risk reward kind of thing because he's become such a you know he's like a caricature of a person but you did find you did nail it in that you got down a lot of people were doing trump stuff weren't doing the hand things yeah it's like yeah I don't even sound that much like him but it really feels like yeah yeah yeah I kind of yeah as soon as I still have like I have like the small hands and I look like like physically my body is very similar and he always did the hands yeah and then he comments on what he just said so that's my president

y'all yeah it's my president that's my guy dude so many people still do that you because you nailed it too and that it's like you almost I think people were so worked up about him you know which I fully understand I mean I sure I was like this guy's out of his bonkers dude he's so crazy our president was wild yeah look he's doing that yeah he's on 9-11 he has he has done nothing that presidents do you know I mean like who like you can't like now we have a little more perspective the fact that a president was just like no more press briefings what yeah like that is a thing it's a staple of an American presidency is that you have some transparency or at least attempt to have somewhere you go we're gonna here's what's going on yeah we're gonna feel he was like

fuck him yeah I don't like him they don't like they don't like me I don't like them yeah it's crazy it's good to have a petty president yeah super funny the only thing that I wish you wouldn't have tweeted that sure that would have changed just about everything yeah yeah but those tweets were so good fucking hilarious I still remember you forget you forget every day was a highlight yeah it was it was great and a stress yeah I wasn't stressed are you okay you were into it yeah look at I'm fine well yeah you just go this guy's nuts that's what you started to go I mean he would um you know he's gotten a lot less coverage since being out I can't believe the restraint some of the network show because it's so enticing to be like look what the

fucking just did but he puts out statements that are because that you know when you retire or when you're out of office as a president you're a former president you can release a statement right the ghost of the press he's put out some that are completely fucking crazy yeah that are long-winded and like just have all types of made-up shit in it and it is fucking entertaining it's fun you read yeah it's fun I'm having fun yeah yeah I would like a press release from him daily it would be good it'd be funny it's good for a laugh it is yeah yeah yeah because he's the he's the one guy who everybody else is rehearsed it's like when you talk about debates it's just bull it's just like I believe in taking care of the environment it's like

it's just the standard and he was a guy who was just like go fuck yourself yeah yeah yeah he would insult yeah he'd insult the other guy like yeah whoever was closest to him in the polling is who that week he would fucking destroy yeah and he would kill him yeah he would kill him he would kill him with subtle like he would just be like you're high energy tonight jeb I like that it was just like that's a knockout he's out next these guys couldn't do anything yeah they could they're dorks they've they've been dorks their whole lives yeah and then here's that bully they thought they escaped right and he's and now he's debating them he learned how to debate yeah which is one which he does and he doesn't know how to debate no he does he's just a bully yeah but that's

more entertaining than a debate exact I'd rather watch a bully a grown a 70 year old bully yeah verse 70 year old dorks yeah that it was the fate of our country on the line and we all get this that they're like yo this is crazy doesn't it like highlight the how fragile and it's like you know just pathetic a system we have yeah for sure I always think about too that like I was just talking about this how every election you know this country is amazing like the innovation the minds of like that what we have come up with yeah it's just incredible like I mean in every in every field and then every election cycle you're like this is the group yeah this is the pool unbelievable why don't we have one of these fucking brilliant minds decide to do this job I've said this before

philosopher king no philosopher king but I mean it's just like I think that goes bad I think that goes bad yeah I know I know yeah I think everyone's one of the philosophers of fucking idiot yeah they don't have life experience but my philosopher king would be raised from birth to lead so they would make sure that she or he had isn't that the Dalai Lama basically is that the Dalai Lama kind of it's a spiritual leader though that person but I'm saying same principle right like as a child or something they're like this is that person emerges as such they're not raised as such so meaning like some kid somewhere will show signs of being the Dalai Lama and they're like that guy it's that that's him it's the reincarnated level the spiritual leader okay and then they go instead of

hey we're going to Tom Sugar and Christina P are going to make a baby that kid's gonna raise will be raised to be a leader of the free world this is gonna backfire no it's a great idea I don't know if that's how people work yeah that's how my people work I'm raising him right now I'm raising kids right now to be the leader let me tell you something I live with those two kids and neither one of them is going to be the fucking philosopher that's for sure I know one of them just came in and goes look at my asshole for like 10 minutes the other day yeah and I was like no I see it he's like but look at it I go I see it get out of here fucking crazy kid yeah nice um so you shot it you shot it in Austin I'm gonna sit here in Austin because we live in Austin yeah you shot it in

Austin recently right not that long ago yeah I think it was July oh my gosh turn it around I was fast yeah quickly yeah it's it's great man and where do you live I live in New York the proper New York City I live in Queens in Astoria how's it going now I like it what do you mean like like I know during the Pandy we have friends in New York that were like it's wild I think Astoria Astoria was fine because it's just immigrants yeah like they didn't no one cared it was all like immigrants Nazl cool yeah see them around the yeah yeah in Astoria it was just like yeah no there was no no pussy fucking pandemic here no not at all I remember walking into I would go into like a bodega and it'd be like Arabic dudes and I'd be like oh shit I forgot my mask dude don't worry

don't worry about that shit foreign a lot of foreigners are like yeah they're like this is some white people you're kind of like I don't want to spread this information and I know COVID is white people shit well we were in Mexico like you know everywhere is mask and then when you get in the car we got in the car as soon as we got in the car the guy goes you can take that off now yeah oh he was just like it's just for sure yeah for sure that's how Texas I was just in Florida I was just in Florida I was in Florida for a week I was at the Florida State Notre Dame game they got a fuck you went yeah they got a fuck Joe Biden chant started in the student section student section it's fun are you a Notre Dame fan I am oh wow dude I'm a big FSU fan oh nice and I watched the

first two drives I was like they're gonna kick the shit out of us and I watched that game and I was like every like even when I saw the first big score when a for FSU it was a break it was a broke I was like this is a sure this is just something for them to get excited this isn't gonna happen I could not believe they they could have won that game they usually could have won they shouldn't have Notre Dame was up 18 in the fourth and blew that did you go there I don't know no no no but you just grew up I did not gonna know yeah my family did though I had my uncle my grandpa and my cousin went get my uncle and my cousin went to Notre Dame and they really don't like when I talk about any other football program well that's how it works yeah yeah yeah but they were trashed Florida

State yeah fans and stuff yeah yeah it was nice it was I liked it I mean it's Tallahassee yeah Tallahassee's garbage yeah yeah I've been yeah oh my god yeah yeah yeah that's a whole people don't know Florida people think of Florida they usually either think of Disney or Miami and then when I think of Miami they think of just like South Beach like the beaches and they don't realize this is an enormous state with an enormous population many of whom are redneck pieces of shit yeah yeah yeah yeah the whole that area because I was in Panama City for like a week oh that's garbage yeah I liked it wow you are a weird beard yeah I love it yeah it's nice yeah you don't like Panama well I was in a nice place in Panama City that's like spring break capital it's it's like it's on the border of

Alabama and he's a young guy he's having fun oh sorry are you partying and stuff yeah 24 no I wasn't yeah 24 uh no it was it was this week it was like pretty there weren't college kids although they were there at Florida State have you seen college kids lately no those good looking girls at FSU always have been I was a troll yeah walking around them yeah I was afraid to look at them yeah they're like babies they are well they're beautiful yeah they're there's some when we were in high school I remember I went to high school in Florida yeah we would just like people that was what they would try to sell you on to go to any one of the schools they'd be like go to FSU because the girls are unbelievable why what is it about Florida just fucking hot it attracts yeah the guys

were hot too yeah and they were mean they were mean to me because I was wearing a Notre Dame shirt and I'm pale they criticized me for being pale what did they say to you they said have you ever seen the sun freak guy called me a homo yeah one guy said I swear to god one guy one freck had yelled from his balcony you probably voted for Biden wow yeah nice which actually hurt that one hurt that hurt I did look I didn't yeah you know but that's an insult that's an insult that's like you are a pussy yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean that's for sure what do you say you can look at someone be like fucking Biden voters yeah dude he yelled it from a balcony and he was him and his hot friends yeah it was me and my other two pale Irish friends yeah we got crushed there was nothing

we could do yeah you got to keep walking right yeah my friend tried to yell back and I was like don't yell back we're gonna look like idiots can't not only were we getting crushed we were yelling up yeah at a balcony right it's a tough place to talk shit from the ground it is you know and you got to have some a one game to fucking spit back with that yeah he didn't my friend just yelled you're white too I literally had to be shut the fuck up dude shut up how'd you like the stadium the atmosphere that fucking pregame atmosphere yes there's a lot of chant I love chief Osceola Florida State's cool yeah college football is the best it's the fucking best I love it and you're one of the rare northeastern guy I have a lot of friends you know and none of them and they're

like why do you like college I'm like I can't break it down for you man yeah it's just better it's the whole atmosphere is amazing yeah well it's because I'm from central Pennsylvania right so we don't have any it's just Penn State it's just Penn State Penn State no day have you been to Penn State games yeah that's gotta be a fun that's wild you ever go for a white out yeah it's just like Florida State except everyone's ugly which makes it more fun right because people are very yeah you know they're out of control yeah now I was watching the seminal game with you for a moment yeah and I was like we were both like wow this is wild that they keep the Native American traditions alive yeah well you know what they actually have they actually have support from the

seminal yeah so it's it's different like a couple years ago when this started when they were like no more Indian mascots you know so they're listing the teams that have like chiefs and Indians then it got to the Seminoles and I was like this is not this kind of backfire yeah because they have they've had a partnership for years that headdress that is that the guy wears is not like someone from marketing it's from the Seminole tribe signs off on it they go this is what it should look like yeah so they have like they have a unique and long partnership I hope they're the the last one standing when when everybody the last though yes because it is like in in honor of the Seminole nation that's awesome yeah see that's good yeah it's amazing yeah that's cool

even if it weren't I'd be like let him do it I especially want them I would love for them in the in sometime during these next like decade to get back to like the fucking halcyon days where they're they're number one and just decimating people yeah and then people have to say Seminoles over and over and over like on the new and just fuck people up and literally and then in when you're they say scalp them you know so they're always like that's right yeah it's fucking fantastic do they sell the scalps and stuff like they I'm sure they they do they sell like severed gator heads and shit like that's right yeah yeah it's so fun it's so much fun it's the fucking best man I'm gonna go to a Texas game oh nice in a couple weeks yeah who are they

playing do you know which one you're going to I'm going to Texas Tech Texas oh nice at Texas yeah it'll be fun yeah what's gonna be that that atmosphere should be fantastic yeah although it's taken Texas about fucking two decades to get their shit together yeah for sure so we'll see we'll see anyway exciting it's exciting stuff yeah so what I want to show you there's so much stuff here from filler up filler up Delphia Delphia though I'm from mechanicsburg Pennsylvania wow yeah yeah in the middle what was life like growing up there uh it's it's it was nice I grew up in like a suburb just suburban yeah cool yeah it's a little there's like it's I grew up in a suburb of like white trash oh cornfield that's why you like yeah that's why you're comfortable with

like wilding out and wildly destructive behavior of course yeah you're like I got nothing to lose yeah I don't give a shit yeah do you think I have something oh yeah I got nothing yeah yeah do you uh what youtube special how long how long have you lived in uh yeah you're this is gonna I'm telling you because obviously to do yours to do the creek in the cave special that you did those seemed like they were fans that came they weren't just like yeah they were fans you already have like a base of fans sure but this I predict that that you're gonna start seeing because this is gonna do like seven figure views for sure hopefully oh it will it will and and you're gonna start seeing that translate on the road and it's just gonna keep growing for

you man it's gonna be fantastic I hope so thanks it's gonna be fantastic um and you live in New York do you are you a fucking eight spots a night guy like everybody that I try to yeah but it's all these it's usually just the stand in the cellar those the two those are the two I do yeah because I do the road I do the road every weekend you do I'm only in New York like two or three days a week just doing the road yeah good yeah it's the way to do it it's the way to do it yeah it's funny when you see comics that stay in the city and then they're like oh where have you been when you get to the club it's like uh doing our what we do for a living job yeah the job but you know what ends up happening I mean I remember this from when I first started doing that yeah

is that you then do sets and look there's just no other way to describe it your sets end up being better because you're you're performing all over the country and then it starts to stand out like how come your sets are you're shit so much tighter it's like because I'm touring all the time yeah because I just performed in a tent in Lafayette yeah right and then those people still don't leave you're like well how come your how come your stand up never progresses because you sit here that's why you sit here that's so true the big city comic who never leaves is its own brand of stand up right like yeah that that comic could appeal to a very narrow demographic and they they can have a great career in you know writing for tv or films or whatever but it's

still like a very narrow thing you got to go out you got to be able to do it the whole country yeah and and understand what what's going on the best comics are comics that do stand up to the most amount of people yeah or like the most variety of people and do tents in Lafayette yeah but this is why I wanted to show you this so that you are you know just like well informed I just added bug to my list of pronouns so here's a very quick tutorial on how to use bug bugs pronouns in sentences okay let's go I'm meeting up with my friend moth later uh bug just dyed bug's hair and it's a super cool green color right now I think we're gonna go to bug's house and play some video games and then I think bug said that bug wanted to go to the store by bug

self I'm done I'm done I'm done dude if my kid fucking grows up and makes these tech talks I will beat the shit out of him hey I can take his head and beat it on desk and I don't care I don't like it what would your dad say if he saw bug if my dad saw this yeah I can tell you exactly what he would do if you played that for my daddy I go what the hell that's it that's as far as he can go you go fuck is this he would just be this is a different planet I'm I'm losing touch with this this is what you know what I mean yeah it's uh like I'm getting old enough where I see this and I'm like I'm out yeah I can't I don't get it because it's it almost to a degree I think you kind of go like oh I get I get what's happening with they like

when someone goes I'm not he or you're like okay but then you're like wait you're bug that's nice and yeah and my favorite is uh you want to go buy bug self yeah to the store I mean all you have to do is read this with like a hillbilly accent it makes perfect sense yeah I think we're gonna go to bug's house play some video games I think bug said bug wanted to go to school by bug sale yes it does make sense yeah but also then you realize it's not bug's not that person's bug's not that yeah I don't think this person is I think a lot of these are just people with I think disabilities yeah this woman has a disability yeah I think you're right yeah I think or this bug I pardon me bug self well that's the thing is like it just sounds to me I knew someone

named Scutterbug where in Virginia of course you did bug yeah well that's the thing I think it sounds to me like this person wants a cool nickname right maybe not a pronoun where we have to conjugate yeah but you can't give yourself the cool nickname exactly you can't show up to school and be like guys I'm bug yeah everyone's been calling me bug I'm snake I ain't afraid of them nobody called them snake the thing is yeah you can also to turn it into whatever that is what is it when bug self bugging I don't know what the grammatical word is but why do you have to make the the nickname a functional word like that that's just annoying bug died bug's hair green it looks real cool now what's up fuck yeah come on come on with your bullshit so I'm gonna head out after that and then

maybe we'll get to hang out another time I love hanging out with moth bug is a soup and it's gotta be another fucking insect like one specific one's the generic she's bug gendered I mean that is just she's nothing oh fuck bug is bug gendered wait she's bug yeah and she and her friend's moth yeah a bug bug bug buggy yeah yeah yep you're starting to get it yeah I'm in yeah I'm moth what's your pronoun moth self moth yeah I'm barbecue self call me barbecue call me brisket I'm brisket self I like brisket I love brisket yeah I didn't realize before like growing up barbecue I always thought of just ribs you know I mean now living there you go like oh it's it's your brisket game I didn't even know I don't level but I don't even know what brisket is what part of the animal

what animal is a brisket I don't even know it's so tasty here's what I'll say who gives a shit I know it's the fucking best I love brisket now what is brisket guys what is it it's a cow front chest oh the front chest area near the bottom two brisket per animal this used to be your food you said yeah Jews used to cook brisket on shabbos all the time no wonder I love it I like how you you guys are like oh no bacon just the most delicious stuff's okay fucking brisket you're not giving up anything well I mean the way we cook brisket isn't as good as Texans cook it you know I got it like yeah when we had brisket it was bad and I thought of you boiled brisket I thought of you I went to Jew boys burgers uh-huh phenomenal it's good really good real good J food

it's just a burger but it's a really good burger is there pastrami on it no it's supposed to be like the best in Austin it's really good yeah I haven't been yet it's really good there's Jews in Texas no there's just a sandwich shop called Jew boys he's the one Jew in Austin yeah it's called Jew boys burgers or something yeah yeah Jew boy burger and you walk and you're like let me get a Jew boy and they're like all right yeah there it is Jew boy burgers I love it let me get the original Jew boy Shalom y'all yeah Texas doesn't give a fuck no they don't they do not give a fuck there's a real competition between California and Texas it's grown there there's a rivalry right now between like look how stupid they are yes you know we're talking about we're both retarded

who's yeah the uh who's dumber the difference in weird guys yeah so weirdness yeah so there's a California weirdness right where you walk through and you're like look at this weird fuck meaning like you'll be in a restaurant yeah hey that guy's wearing uh he looks like Johnny Depp a bullow tie and you're like headband and then there's Texas weird and I think the difference is Texas weird feels legitimately unstable like a real weird person where California's feels manufactured California feels like the guy put on bracelets for an hour yeah right he was like look at me now and Texas you go like I don't want that guy sitting behind me he's threatening yeah I want that guy where I can keep my eye on him yeah that guy's gonna cut you up that guy scares me

and stash you in his basement yeah that's genuine weird the rivalry is on the way here there's I passed a mural that was said uh Texas where the virus has more rights than women oh yeah well that new abortion California's talking shit dude yeah that abortion law is real crazy I support the fuck out of it yeah I can't get enough of that law really I love it because it's so insane or no I'm just for it you just for it yes okay what parts you like the best I just I hate abortion yeah yeah so so you're raised yeah you're just that much into Notre Dame huh yes yeah okay it's fun to go on pockets and support abortion yeah it's funny it's funny to look at people like yeah especially when you just like I just like it yeah I don't know what it is about it yeah yeah yeah it's a I think

what Texas is uh six weeks that's a six weeks six weeks which is nothing because you really don't know you're pregnant until about six weeks so the heartbeat kicks in that's usually right when women I didn't look into it is that like a statewide thing they're doing yeah yeah but it's it's the department of justice is investigating it they're like we're going to get involved well it's yeah also they're putting a bounty on the the doctor's heads who perform the abortions I support that you're allowed to sue up to ten thousand dollars and they're asking civilians to do citizens arrests essentially to arrest the doctors but the good news is the women who are getting the abortions are off limits like you can't shame the actual woman who had the procedure shame you can't get

them online if we find out who they are we could dox them yeah we dox them we just do that on the show you should have a running list oh yeah of here's the woman here the whores who have done this disgusting yeah pig women yeah yeah yeah it is it is very let's go ahead and roll the uh let's roll real quick let's go it's so crazy yeah like tech like getting accustomed to the south I grew up in California I'm a lifelong Angelino and then we just moved to Texas so I'm learning the culture you guys are in Austin though and even that's like well it's pretty they're pretty they're pretty liberal I categorize Austin is like 90s liberal what California kind of was in the 90s like we're there but um but yeah that kind of stuff I'm like wow this is wild you like that is a little

what's happening and then and on the other hand you can just get a gun like you can go yeah buy a gun and you used to have to anywhere anytime it wasn't that hard to get a concealed carry permit but you still have to pass the test no longer yeah you can just walk around in Texas you just get your gun take it to the movies and there's these signs everywhere like don't bring your gun into the grocery store you have to tell people that well with the way that people get upset at people these days over anything that's the only part you know I mean people argue we got delayed on our flight yesterday the fucking guy came up in his scrubs and was like I'm getting off the plane yeah he was so upset we were like oh fuck this is when people when you tell someone they have a delay

on a plane yeah you really see what they're made of yeah you know there's people who just you get acceptance like well yeah well that's it yeah that's all it is yeah now we have time to go to the bar it's a plane yeah now we have yeah right now they need those dudes need to stop freaking out because they're going to take away our booze yeah planes yeah and they're starting to do that yeah because dudes are getting duct taped to fucking chairs yeah which is pretty funny well he also said that his parents were with two million dollars he said that on you imagine my parents are with two million dollars and they're getting duct taped to a chair and be like help yeah well what's a new announcement at the airport now is um and please don't you're not allowed to drink any alcohol that you bring

on the plane you're like when did this fucking start I got in trouble for that uh this year through my dad brought a sandwich on the plane to Florida he out of nowhere took a roast beef sandwich in his ziploc bag out of his book bag and ate it and then fell asleep and woke himself awake snoring like five times wait he went to the game with you yeah oh my god yeah it was nice he doesn't left Pennsylvania and that's awesome forever uh but yeah I I didn't know you couldn't I bought it at the bar a drink and I tried to walk on to the plane with it right and they're like what are you doing federal law you can't bring that so I stood there and tried to chug it but it was like a freezing cold IPA like I just brought it took so long be worried yeah yeah it was a mistake that's

interesting I never thought of that you can't just go to the bar and walk I never thought of that it's like a hotel bar like yeah at the bar go to your room yeah take the drink yeah they're like you can't bring that but by the way once you sit down you can get unlimited drinks unlimited bottles of vodka that's what we're gonna give you it's that it's fantastic we got it set up I think you got it set up at the house one of the guys has it set up outside their home and it has gives you that feeling of security and safety that you can access whenever you want to see it has an ultra wide 140 degree field of view so you can keep watch over your entire yard it has 1080p hg resolution with an eight time zoom that means you can zoom in and clearly see things

like faces and license plates to capture critical evidence absolutely fantastic system to learn more about the exciting new simply safe wireless outdoor security camera visit simply safe comm slash your mom what's more simply safe is celebrating this new camera by offering 20 off your entire new system and your first month of monitoring service free when you enroll in interactive monitoring again that's s i m p l i s a f e simply safe comm slash your mom oh speaking of a plane etiquette what do you want to show the photograph my fucking god this is on our delayed flight when we came in from austin we were sitting on the tarmac for what the two hours yesterday and we were in first class let's just preface it like sure these are nice seats these are not the shitty seats

sure and tom and i look over yeah this is fucking uh what is that yeah it's my dad i mean of the odd dance you know how much i wanted i mean this is gonna sound but i wanted this black eye with dreads to just notice it just so i could hear like come on man just yeah you can see something nice just yeah just a funny reaction for sure yeah yes well imagine you're the yeah that you're the guy in the yellow shirt yeah in front of him and you're you kind of glance back and you see this guy's big fucking and it's right it's right it's at like your elbow you know the big fred flin stone foot there barefoot his nasty toenail right there i mean and his kids right there he's teaching his kid hey it's okay to be barefoot and then she was doing it with her big ass cowgirl on her kid

yeah gnarly gnarly people dude that's it's not acceptable you guys don't take your shoes off and no not not to bare feet no of course no i'm joking that's fucking insane i got you know i'm gonna start popping my shirt off i wish a lot of people don't do that yeah that's a new just right when you sit down pants straight on the way getting comfy well i was telling i mean if we've been noticing in austin there's a lot of shirtless joggers the men i don't like it yeah i don't like it either why are you all over the city off why are you what do you think what this isn't your fucking house yeah i don't know it's been i understand it's hot where a fucking tank top yeah it's it's like it's like it's like they're getting abortions it's disgusting

yeah that's shirt off would you hate more shirtless guys jogging or abortion truthfully abortion definitely that's actually pretty i'm being honest on that one i do dislike it more yeah yeah i'm not for it you're not for it yeah i'm pro choice but if it were between a guy yes a guy being shirtless jogging or a girl getting a or getting or not being allowed to have abortion i would choose the guy sure sure would you prefer yeah that makes sense a guy jogging with his shirt off or literally sucking the life out of a newborn baby yeah yeah i'd easy easy choice live from austin's uh and chain goes to special it's on youtube right now

yeah yeah this is just so gross it is gross it's fucking disgusting and look and don't don't don't comment to me oh christina hates feet it's not that it's that this is a do you actually not like feet though i love feet i got nothing against any body part on humans i'm just saying that you don't put your feet up on someone else's rest because this man in the yellow shirt all he has to do is lean back and now he's touching your yeah it's disgusting this is crazy and not only that people dress like garbage now when they get on airplanes they look like shit that looks like that's the chain's guilty yeah what do you do tank tops or flip flip no no no jim shorts jama bottoms jim shorts jim shorts yeah i sit first class so i'd keep my distance

jim short but those are at least shorts i'm talking people in pajamas and house slippers i have seen get on planes that's right sandals sandals and jim shorts yeah with socks that basically wore a suit yesterday on the flight yeah i don't know i'm sorry i don't know what to tell you do you have a woman in your life i do i don't know yeah what did she think about that she would support it yeah she appreciates my style yes how long have you been you're comfortable though yeah and that's the point yeah i don't like if i'm wearing jeans the whole flight or something jeans are not so what do i wear flight tracksuit i do wear a tracksuit but it's cool i wear a tracksuit absolutely tracksuit's a good move yes linen pants linen pants i don't know like a full suit would

be pretty nice i'm gonna rock the uh the sewing brothers tracksuit next week i'm a great idea oh i make good stuff they make some nice stuff now what's your lady is she how long have you been together uh a couple months like five six oh you guys are in the honeymoon phase yeah yeah just banging all the time just to kiss her boobs are in i do suck on her boobs yeah i suck her tits and uh if she gets an abortion i'll fucking kill her yeah if i find out she's ever had one or even thought about it what will you do i'll cut her fucking head off we'll cut her tits off shriek a lot what if so what if she got preggers now and you matter and she didn't marry her yes yeah and you just had yes i would absolutely you met her new york uh yeah

nice yeah guys at a show at uh actually she lived in dc she just came up wow we met on instagram no yes yes she slid into your dm's yeah well kind of she followed me and then i was like oh a hot girl that likes me damn because my fans are strictly white disgusting men yeah which i prefer right yeah and then uh i love you guys and uh guys i fucking love you guys please don't leave me and uh yeah that was it so i dm'd her and then she touched your sneaky link and then she ended up touching my penis yeah so all right guys all right guys what's going on i'd like to know your life it's exciting what is what is the um cigarette cartons thing holy fuck so what is this i was just at the grocery store in tejas and i used to smoke for how many uh from time i was 13 at the time i was

30 how many years is that that's 73 years 73 years i smoked and i was just looking at the price of a carton of cigarettes take show the photograph you would die how much look how many cigarettes are now a car god damn yeah how much were they went back then so i at the time i think 20 to 25 dollars when i was smoking camel lights i get a carton for like 20 25 dollars and look at that a pack a carton of capris which are the lady cigarettes those thin ones like with no magenta a hundred dollars to to kill yourself isn't that wild yeah 80 dollars for virginia slims they really want you to stop smoking this is in texas the syntax oh wow yeah i mean i don't know i'm sure california california is gonna be out of control it's gotta be yeah yeah yeah that's true because texas is like they don't

do it has to be cheaper tobacco of course yeah the south they don't give a shit so wait nadav uh how much is a carton of a carton of cigarettes now i mean i feel like a while ago uh when i was smoking cigarettes i i tried to buy a carton and there were roughly around like i think i paid 75 bucks two and that was a lot but they're like like cigarettes are between 10 and 13 bucks depending where you get it from they're even more expensive in new york yeah new york's 20 bucks a pack or what you're kidding new york's crazy and i i dip so i can't ever yeah i don't even have my flavors in the city really yeah yeah what do you try to buy yeah i buy dip skull yeah where do you get it from usually outside of the city just whenever i'm out yeah and get it bring it back yeah that's wild

dude that's such a it's so expensive god damn yeah where i'm from mechanics for skulls like three bucks for a 10 in the city it's at least 10 to 12 do you love living in the city like no no no do you will you move uh if i could yeah probably where would you go i don't know i don't know mechanics for really maybe i don't want to go back to the pa no i don't know i'm not sure i like the beach the beach i actually like the beach it's lovely i don't know how long i'd like to live there though yeah east like a specific like east coast beaches or i like the gulf that was nice yeah the place i just spent a week yeah i like that uh i i do like l.a l.a. is pretty cool yeah very cool it's very nice it's crazy it's a lot different than living in new york yeah a lot

i went driving around with tim dillon last night he's out of his fucking mind yeah what did he do nothing we just went out we went out to eat i didn't i haven't hung out with tim since he's blown up you know it's like it was funny to see him famous yeah like sitting there like we were we went to a very nice like steak restaurant and like the the managers were coming up and like how are you are you doing well i'm like holy shit dude yeah yeah yeah yeah it was great but he we drove around he was just showing me around like where all the rich people lived but he likes l.a now yeah he's happier yeah i think he does i think in texas he was too funny leaving texas oh my god it is a vacant wasteland texas two sushi spots come on man i can't i can't fucking do it that's

true he's right about the sushi l.a is sushi l.a has texas as part of the video yeah yeah he's very funny about l.a in texas hilarious he's just driving around with him and him pointing out like houses i mean like that's 45 million dollars can you imagine the fucking disgusting tacky pieces of shit like just wow it's so funny dude he is hilarious man yeah um what what so what prompted like how did you go about because it was such a cool idea i really got into the gillian keeves oh nice um like did you you guys just sat down let's write sketches like yeah mckiever john mckiever is the guy who's my partner in that and he he's always done that stuff like he's always been very good and he i think he was friends with like a production company book light that was like yeah

we have some extra money or whatever we do you guys want to do anything and he was like i have an idea and we we just just made it you see how it went yeah put our own money into it see what happens and you had great like supporting acting yeah those are all silly guys they were great yeah like i um i because i saw a bunch of the sketches you know the blind one the the only fans dad um but i was you know i got i watched the trump dating one like 25 times that was dude that was great like while we were filming that so they like painted me up so i had like the hands yeah and it explained all of his movements yeah because like if your hand is spray tanned like that you can't like put it in your pockets or anything oh right so when you're standing you always have to be kind of like lurched

forward with your hands like out of your pockets yeah it makes look at him there he is all of his movements make perfect sense if you're at the top of your hands or tanned or tanned yeah yeah it's such a while all the movements are like keeping his hands away from me like his sleeves and yeah the um but i remember i got stuck talking like him for like did you yeah because i we filmed all day right and then while i was leaving because even the outtakes were phenomenal i was just driving home and i was still like thinking like him yeah like not thinking i'm not saying i'm like that crazy actor but like i was like because i talked like him all day so then when i was driving home i was like a lot of traffic like just just in my head it was crazy it's so good man it's so and

that'll happen on stage too sometimes i'll do trump yeah and then for the next like five minutes i'll still start to yeah like slightly do the fucking but also because it's so um it's so fun for people watching it yeah it's almost like your brain's like it's like saying like this tastes good stop eating you're like yeah but you know i want to go do it again like it feels good yeah it's so good but i remember also in that um that particular sketch the supporting actors were all fantastic dude especially like that closing girl kyla man kyla yeah she's so funny that's she's not really that's not too much of a stretch yeah it's like girls you meet in philly she's the most philly you should you gotta hear this lady talk oh yeah she's like yeah what are you doing

yeah yeah she lives she's from rocksboro yeah it's crazy if you haven't seen it just go gillian keeves uh trump speed dating and you can watch it um yeah it's fucking amazing um i think i know well you know what so we play these this little segment called horrible or hilarious where i play clips and then you just tell me whether you think it's funny or terrible okay i'm gonna play a few for you i haven't seen any of these are new ones oh all right here we go here you go you're on picking up speed we're gonna catch it yeah they don't realize they're dense yeah people don't realize they're thick dude it's compact it's

compacted weight that was that guy thought she's not that big i can just yeah arm tackle no you gotta wrap up you gotta wrap up dude holy shit yes obviously hilarious yeah obviously yeah you know i did kill tonia a while back and there was a little person and this other guy lifted the little person above his head a lot of mine they did that on mine too oh so it's maybe it's the same guy yeah it might mean yeah so the guy works at the strip club yes anyway i was like how much is this guy away and he's like 160 he's a unit they're the thick yeah so 160 yeah damn yeah so joke four five 160 Jesus i mean they look adorable in light yeah yeah wait what do you just say i don't think they just look adorable in light but they're not in light and light i think in light

and then when the lights i thought you meant adorable in life like in real life they look adorable but you can really see how much no no i got is i look all tiny and adorable i know small community the small community nope there you go that one's hilarious yeah it's the screen it's the screen it's the screen yeah the screen is obviously very funny but that guy may have lost a leg yeah i don't know may have broken both may have lost two funny yeah sure yeah pretty funny yeah he deserves it for doing what he's doing see i think if he would have just stayed in the seat it'd be fine he'd just be laying on his side

you know it was trying to jump out and then it the weight of it on top of them that you might broke a leg or two yeah do you guys want to hear just a horrible story sure um so i i was at the airport and um someone told me a story there was a 9-11 was it no but it was an atlanta airport and um i was like have you ever seen anybody get killed on the runway because like there's all these cars and shit and like traffic on the runway and he goes actually yeah there was a silent plane this old brazilian plane he said i don't know what that means but he said the propellers are silent and so this plane landed at night and it was a silent propeller and a guy who was on you know the tarmac or whatever like um driving a golf cart didn't see or hear the plane

and then went right into the propeller and got ground up and died now isn't that a wild story yeah yeah i didn't know that people died that way it's a rough way to go though yeah is it he was probably like no no it's not probably call yeah didn't see it didn't even hear it coming it was just life was just over for that guy yeah he was like uh gone it's like when the night stalker i tried to say this yeah when he was shooting people in their sleep oh god please what's the fun in that i know please let me go that way yeah just get my head blown off while i'm asleep on the couch in your sleep is the best way to go i know yeah yeah but yeah ground up by a silent providing plane Jesus i wonder if he was done

with work or just started that makes a little bit if he was working the night job yeah yeah at least he didn't have to work that day yeah but he might have been happier if he was like i it's night we're about done driving the cart the breeze yeah and then just one second like no oh no oh god yeah those are those are some that's probably it that's probably what that guy on the cart got yeah for one second one second oh god damn he's trying to throw a haymaker if you're listening at one of those like arcade you know uh speedbags it tells you how hard you punch and he fucking miscomplete oh he's got terrible covid you know

damn dude god damn fucked up that was that was not cool bro covid you know 19 virus i've been thinking about Tommy john a lot lately yeah john yeah we were thinking about if he ever had a girlfriend i think there's no way a woman would ever date him yeah he's such an idiot he's a fucking moron i don't like those punching machines yeah i fear them i've never done one because you don't because i'm afraid of if i punch week and it's like you're not in front of everybody yeah yeah they shouldn't have that so embarrassing it is i did i did it at a there's a comedy club that has it in the lobby um really it's the uh i think it's the one in Oklahoma City the brick house i think they have it there and then they have this gorilla that works

there and so i just you know i was giving it everything i got and i was like let's see you hit it and that fucking thing i was like oh my god i mean he's he's you know raw yeah god damn it went like all the way to the max it was like no tom you're gay yeah you're gay at least he could spread his fingers out so i know they're not broken yeah yeah i thought you were talking about me you're like i'm trying man oh no did you see the trampoline one the dove the trampoline one there's one oh you've seen that one zolo you know where trampoline place yes the fat guy jumps off yes yeah have you seen it this happened to his knee dude this is exactly what happened to me man really that's how i tore my ACL is that a trampoline oh this is i don't think i could see this video

man this is way worse than a ACL tear it's uh let's see if you can uh man if you want to talk about a day ruiner it's this video this is no good this is terrible i don't think that's it though does zelo know what i'm talking about yeah i think you'll see you'll see when people are leg pressing and it goes back no it's because it just comes down to legs just both their legs just bent straight up i saw one i don't really i mean i'm curious i don't think i i yeah it's rough man i saw one yeah i want this guy put uh i just want to just kind of put like 20 plates on a thing and i was like this guy's legs are going to blow up and then he just did uh he went like this with them i was like what is this do you think this is a leg press it's impressive yeah um no i mean

this isn't it not the barbed wire trampoline oh i've seen that yeah no no no no no no no no so are you touring uh like the rest of the year yeah it's like dates all over yeah and it's all at shane gillis dot com shane m gillis dot com shane yeah for some reason i put an m in there for no reason but i did okay okay it's on there yeah yeah well do what you want it's your life um yeah go see him live do you want to do what should we show shane some of your talks i would love that do you know what she does i do i watch her i watch you do i'm so happy to hear that oh yeah she does curate an amazing it's really really good thank you so i you know means a lot coming from you it's uh very funny it's uh an underrepresented group

of people is the way i like to think of it i i'm so happy that that's where your algorithm is i had tiktok and it just was hot kids oh no and i had to delete it well i don't i believe in inclusivity and yours is the marginalize it's absolute freaks we don't like to we don't like to look for me all right christina's curations here with shane gillis let's see how this goes wanted one wild woman looking for a partner in crime hit me on my live tonight at 11 oh let's get together okay okay well i thought that was an interesting approach hit me on my live so he's he's going to go live and that's how the girl should hit him up right which is like you're asking her to come back and do a second just send me a message yeah why are you doing this

asshole it's like oh tickets will be on sale for my show next week well there's no call to action now you're asking the consumer to come back a second time right yeah what are you doing it's i hate that you know what's fucking is the worst in like our business and like the touring business when they go hey do your announcement that tickets will be coming out and you're like yeah why are you doing that okay yeah hey guys i will be coming to chicago and they're not on sale yet and then and then there's the pre-sale hey let them know that there's a pre-sale that and they need passwords to buy like what why are you making it on sale why can't you just make it on sale like no this works because even if you're a fan of something chances are you may forget in a week that your

bow house tickets are on sale right right you know what i mean and then i have to go back again i'm ridiculous i can't believe this is how this guy is he's going fucking live he's going yeah i know right i don't know how to use this guy hit me up on live later you know i mean that's just truthfully that's a testament to the power of pussy that yeah this man can figure out right i mean that's like the fact that the guy like that can figure out any technology yeah he didn't he didn't know that shit and then whatever like you said pussy came in like became a consideration it's like i'm gonna figure out a go yeah a year ago that guy couldn't adjust the volume right on his television now he's out here like catch me on live yeah come to my house yeah but hasn't all of civilization

been built for pussy yeah everything absolutely a lot of guys everyone's putting down the guys but you guys built civilization yep for the sake of puss and let's be real here white guys i didn't want to i didn't want to you know go there let's be real clear with the help of other if you weren't white you didn't contribute okay all right next video this is like a minute long is that what he does the whole time it's great shame yeah he loves that this is what kind of white trash adjacent music is this called like death metal or something yeah this is i'd yeah i guess that kind of metal lie away screamo or something for a while yeah that's what it's called yourself

he's got a fan he's got a fan he does have a horrible angle horrible angle yeah suffocate your weakness you can see the reflection in his glasses of what he's watching there's literally 45 seconds left i don't want to see oh no yeah you're gonna miss out on the whole song i'm gonna look i'm gonna scroll ahead let's scroll let's see what's going on he's singing his song way later but that is dedication a whole minute long singing like that it's got to hurt your vocal chords i would think so goodness knows i do you know after five or six shows that you got to take care of your pipes yeah that's his instrument he's just thrashing it yeah gosh he's coming out to the dinner table and he's like i think it went well i think tonight's went well yeah you're right his

parents are like yeah what was that we'll see if the kids at school are picking on me after this one my favorite position it's called a zombie i just lie back and get eaten what you guys aren't hard this is the equivalent of godina let me put a sunday in your booty this doesn't turn you on make you feel horny yeah yeah especially when i see that that little mouth open there that does turn me on that little peek into that yapper of hers yeah ding dong lay back just get eaten well that's a whole sandwich there you roused no i'm not not sexually aroused yeah but what i'm just i'm proud of these people for taking the tiktok when it comes to finding sex yeah yeah

why not why not but my favorite are these like pre these jokes these internet jokes and then people do their version of them it's so horrible they're also fucking terrible it's the it's the worst form of humor when someone who does the the pre-prescribed joke it's the worst these are all like street jokes yeah oh my god dude these motherfuckers are the craziest mark on the site he's stuck my such my such what i mean when that goes bad dude that's gonna go fucking crazy how bad that's gonna be that's what that's a tiktok you want to see yeah also it'll be in the fraction of a second it'll just be it's licking its head and then we'll just like how and then all sudden they will tear him up like a rag doll and the and then they'll fight over him you know possession so head'll

come off legs will come off yeah it'll just be and the guy whose film is gonna just leave for like an hour he's gonna be in the other room just like oh no like mark it's not i think he's going i know and then he's gonna feel just like the paw at the door like oh fuck dude and when you call 911 you gotta be like do you understand they're fucking ligers they're they each weigh 600 pounds man they rip this guy's shreds send a fuck send a seal team and also it looked like he's just in some like cheapy apartment because of the blinds behind him i don't know like are those just like cheapy i don't know if it's cheapy this might be like some dude's pad in dubai you know this is a shake or something but i mean at first i'm like oh is

this just some like some dude's apartment in the valley you know look at the some guy in van eyes has two ligers wow look at those fucking heads and tissues what an asshole like if he was just like i want to get up right yeah oh my god and what if that that one fucking liger smells like meat smells on his head he's like what's that cheeseburger and just goes in for a lick and then a bite even just getting licked by one of these on your head is terrifying because they also you know they do play bites or they like no yeah and you'll be like oh my god yeah and you freak out slightly yeah and it's over yeah yeah yeah oh my he punctured my lung oh my god no they're cute it's about to go down friday night by the way i'm sick of being told i look like this guy

okay yes you don't never mind i get tagged a lot tom this is your twin there you go this is your twin if you didn't figure find comedy we need to start it's hard i want you to know it's hurtful okay okay no i do like jiff can you start a gallery of photos of people that look like tom like let's start an official landmage gallery the best one the best is the amount of people that go i drew a portrait of you and uh and then you open it and you're like i'm sorry what and they're like yeah i spent a lot of time doing this and you're like maybe this isn't your vocation you know like the eye placement the the whole thing it doesn't it looks like me but it looks like me with some genetic problems is this guy threatening to fuck that

peanut butter i don't even know what he's doing i'm got so distracted by him let's see that peanut butter right now is like that arab dude with those lines it's just like this could go terrible at any moment go down friday night like a big jar peanut butter yeah it's about to go down friday night okay that's all he's got that's all we know though i think he's fucking the peanut butter i think you're right or he's just i like if he if this is sweet and he's just enthusiastic about peanut butter that's it do you like peanut butter yeah i like peanut butter crunchy or smooth any yeah either or most people have strong feelings either way neither do you have a brand preference i don't know i don't what so what do you buy at the grocery

store just whatever's there yeah i don't shake i'm a grocery shop well who does other i don't i just eat grubhub oh you just eat like i just eat massive amounts of food got you got you yeah okay but yeah this is does he have more like this where he's constantly threatening to fuck things i don't know just every night he's holding up a different thing he's like see this shit i'm into this loaf of bread it's wednesday morning yeah to go down wheat bread all right oh no where's the grocery store and turn to my left to find this that could be anywhere where we live in tejas probably florida i'm guessing yeah that's a swamp type of place look at that dude that's just for those of you just listening that is a snake coming out

of the spice aisle at the h e babe that would tear that would terrify terrify especially because you you get scared you go oh that's a prank has to be fake yeah and then you get closer and then actual just liquid shit just shoots out of you oh my god dude a little bit of coffee in my head a little bit of eggs everywhere a little bit of beans on my head i don't care what you say and a little bit of cream everywhere everywhere he's one shit there he's one shit there he's one shit there he's one shit everywhere he's one shit oh don't know how to fuck yeah you know the conditioner in my head he's good ha ha ha to everybody okay all right okay all right so back to the texas so yeah abortion the boy yeah yeah

so there is this thing in um kink culture in the uk i think it's called splashing where they do like to put food and stuff on their body so i don't know this could be splashing adjacent i'm thinking but who knows there you go in food yeah that's a reminder me i'm especially because she's obviously english you i didn't i didn't pick that up yeah oh now you mentioned it makes sense well i don't know i thought maybe that's how she got inspired is maybe splashing i don't know yeah i think she has got some other things going on i think she does but what guys just brilliance she should wear that out just a hair full of beans going out yeah those are baked beans those are definitely bread-ish that was uh that was a lot babe so it was good right

no that was rough that was like a hard one to watch really i thought that one grossed me out a little that was that one struck a chord bad i'm fully retarded yeah yeah yeah did you feel you didn't like the food on her that made you feel dirty and stuff maybe it's her or she's she's a little toxic yeah i think she's just having fun you know stuff like scares me like i have like i'm worried about like my nieces and nephews and stuff yeah like one a family member could yeah go wrong because this is some bad things happen something happened yeah and now she's making tiktoks with breakfast yeah covered in beans yeah like i'm a lot more chill than i used to be i was pretty uptight most of the time i was younger and i'm still kind of uptight

so if i can get more in depth this has another minute and fucking change sure so just to give you some context this man buys dolls i see that and has an entire harem is just like a peanut butter situation a hundred percent these guys he enthusiastic about dolls or is he fucking these dolls he's fucking these dolls yeah and so the full volume in the background so i had a really hard time choosing which talk because the audio is all bad they're too long he doesn't get to the fucking point but i wanted to showcase this talent because this one's very special and you know he's making the rounds in the dark talk and there's the other one in the bed behind him he's gonna sit right on my leg he's so happy 40 pounds oh she's like 30 pounds

she's under extra weight i have to be the same person but that's okay you know i i enjoy having she's my first oh it's him in the background and that's him in the background his own audio really a big family to be at all me because i'm a lot more open and sensitive and more concerned than i am with just the fabric ones like katalina you know what i wanted something a lot more like that felt more realistic i wanted a you know i wanted something else a lot more i gotta tell you so a lot of times when we go through your talks i go i get a certain emotional experience and today's is is uh uncomfortable and uh somewhat sad and i i realized that i want to leave that's what these talks are doing yeah i don't like them i don't feel any of that really i feel

nothing but elation joy i like sharing it like you got yeah this stuff really tickles my fancy how do you feel in there you've seen all these i love this no yeah tom you nailed it i am sad and uncomfortable yeah thank you they are sad i'm so sad at all so funny i i actually i think they're all funny i here's a deal here's why let me hear me out these people all have their issues in life right yeah but they can go on tiktok and share what makes them happy and for a few seconds they're celebrities and they feel good about themselves and they're happy so this is like i see them just being super stoked and i'm stoked with them you know all right that's a really false you're lying i mean so you're lying you know you lie you in your head you're like fucking freaks look at these freaks

no i love them i'm happy that they're happy i'm happy that they found the platform you actually i really like them you know that was actually really really good for like a politician like a senator yeah you know okay that was good like when the senators when they go like you know there's fires in this neighborhood all the time and you're like the thing is though it fire has to exist you know and and fires cleanse the earth tom they're a natural part of being on this earth and you're like what kind of fucking bullshit is that but here's the thing he's doing lives he's making so much content about these dolls he's describing his life for the first time what do you think that place smells like oh come come in plastic this guy you know i've heard

people say like they should give like child molesters bang bang like dolls now to like placate their desires but this seems seems like teaching them how you know i mean well it's like giving them a test run so you're an anti you're against abortion how do you feel about chomos which bro what do we do with the chomos bro that quick call me chomo no i'm not i'm not i don't want to he doesn't want to weigh in on that the abortion and chomos should we execute them yeah yeah like yeah maybe i think we should i think we should you know burt's got a real interesting stance on that what's that burt doesn't think you should prosecute child molesters why oh yeah he said that to me yeah he goes um he thinks that like you

he's like they can't it's not their fault so we should um like kind of not like celebrate them but give them a place where they can give them like an island yeah chomo island yeah yeah i think we should cut their nuts off yeah don't don't go on burt's uh on his socials and ask him why does he support chomos don't do that okay here's the next one jesse jesse jesse jesse jesse okay jesse okay all right these are a little better that was well this one was unique because it was a woman we usually don't see women farting on tiktok wait that wasn't one tiktok those are two separate those were her feet in the bathroom for a second wow god this chick's the best so god this is a woman with big naturals

jeez those are more than big naturals come on she does a series of tiktoks with her and her big ass naturals you would call if you could listening right now her tits are a monstrosity i mean they are just the most gargantuan ridiculous tits i've ever seen they're a little large yeah come on a tiny bit bigger than average and she just posts videos like this it's all her like just walking and bouncing and then it's her walking and her tits bouncing and then it's like going to the beach tits bouncing walking getting in my car tits bouncing walking it's amazing she's a really cool chick if i sit on your face i legally own you squatters rights you fucking turn on or what you're ready to fuck what you don't think that's how at least you get the peanut butter guy i get this

people are like you know that kind of looks like you all the time dude the first one of the first clips i ever saw of you doing stand-up was i think it was your special olympics bit oh yeah yeah yeah i can't wear a mask if it's just my eyes people i look i have it they're like oh he's got it yeah he's pretty high function he's fucking driving you should get beard guy yeah beard guy yeah beard guy's nice really compared to i get that yeah i get like you work often you work you want a first class ticket yeah yeah every time i want to play wearing a mask i'm in gym shorts yeah t-shirt they're like you know i just realized how to do this you guys get so much

shit he's heaped on you men do for your appearance too on i was i it's non-stop yeah and i was just thinking because like i don't read many comments because the all of them are like you're so fucking old you're so fucking old you look like you're plastic shirt like it's so rude but i forget that you guys get shit on way more maybe than i do i get look up a mimsy from south park mimsy no it's my likeness oh no i don't think so it drops me it is it's i know what i look like it's mimsy oh that's all right yeah it is it is a thing too and um oh yeah yeah you see it hilarious and then uh that's me and matt it is um it's matt chain secret pocket it is crazy like two to open

a comments on something like stand up for sure and then the like the comment i see is like damn you're fucking ugly and you're like wait what i know Jesus i thought this was about to stand up yeah people you're ugly as fuck dog yeah okay what happened yeah i wasn't even i wasn't thinking anything about yeah i put out a special they're like damn this guy's 33 he looks like shit like oh man or did you like the jokes yeah or like um they're they they get mad at me because i'm old yeah like you're so old like well what what's not my should i stop what should i stop stop living what do i do it's not my fault yeah like i know constant and the on the i think is that almost never but almost never women it's always dudes so it's dudes doing it to women all the time

but it's also dudes doing it to dudes you know if i get a compliment it's uh no the compliments come from men too which is odd um and some good yeah yes all right some some women will do it but not not really not what you think it would be um but the criticism is like 95 percent men 100 yeah yeah oh that's so true gosh yeah they'll just be like fuck stupid bitch damn dude you look like shit and you're like cool yeah and they're like you fucking need to sleep more like all right oh my god try nobody's yeah like is there yeah you're never you're never perfect no no you can't live to please that group you know i'm trying to think of anybody gets no hate like who's perfect looking they get hate too that's that's that's what really lets you know is that like

models and like super celebrities people were like your fucking forehead's weird so like you know margot robby yeah some of your teeth perfect and she's like what do you want to do man like the teeth aren't nice enough for you so weird nothing like a midnight snack oh yeah yeah he's banging him don't worry it was a brand new jar yeah peanut butter wait so he is fucking it yeah he is fucking them well that's a lot of peanut butter don't worry it was a brand new jar never open i think he might run through a jar peanut butter wait so we he did fuck the other one yeah and he's like don't worry this one's i didn't fuck this one which he probably did where he's going after that's first there i am again

god damn it damn well this guy's openly fucking peanut butter on tiktok i didn't even put that i really thought he was just like i'm having a snack tonight guys here's mojib no he's fucking no he was goodness i wonder how i think he lays on top or yeah yeah i would imagine but he can't show him like he must switch platforms to fuck the peanut butter right can't do my tiktok he's like all right jump on over that'd be a great only thing yeah i would that would be funny as hell to watch that guy fuck i would at least give him a month yeah i'm like watch this guy fuck peanut butter for a month for sure yeah i once heard about a guy putting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in between the mattress and then the mattress pad and then you you can do that that

would work yeah you could definitely do that that would work although you would gnarl it up and when you bust it it would be just a disaster the bread the jelly bread and the calm down back to reality of just like oh what have i done yeah what have i done you can put in a ziploc bag to contain now that'd be like yeah you're not gonna fuck a sandwich with a condom that's a good point that's a good point yeah what's the point yeah wow uh all right wow we've been through so much together this episode this was a lot of fun man i i want to say it again live from austin or live in ought to i forget what it okay honestly yeah i think it's live in austin live in austin it was supposed to be live from but they just made it okay live in austin

yeah uh shot at the creek in the cave in austin texas shane gillis you can see it on is it on the gillian keys gillian keys gillian keys youtube page you can also check out the sketches one of which we were talking about in detail but they're all great um i'm really excited to meet you man i think you're gonna have yeah huge huge things ahead of you thanks so um hi hi hopes and i think you're gonna get uh crazy views on this but it's really like there's people that in here who i'm like yeah it's funny and like congratulations or congratulations on getting a special and all that stuff yeah i celebrate the most i love when people you know put it out on youtube um and it's something that like if you're considering doing it what you should do is make sure you ask yourself are you ready

to put that thing out and you were like really ready that is a solid solid special thanks so thank you guys congratulations i'm telling you it is it is worth checking out you're gonna laugh check it out shane gillis thanks again for coming man thanks guys this is awesome yo i'm not new to this the yma tool again new boys at tiktok slow it in the dive googling time bruising them we all cool with a bunch of lunatics always high and tight baby never low and loose with it the main mommy insane posse we celebrating robber pause so we got the champagne popping it ain't stopping you can't top this we way hotter this is our lane you can't come like j potter i kick it with jeans like i'm bruce lee i've got time and mommy teen on the sea

eating poutine it's too sweet sticking to the script in the routine every single week dropping heat right through your screen shout out to pig and my boy canals only do muttons now your mom's house we don't touch mcdonald's the water champ got me amped to go and crush a bottle any palms and me and y'all going full throttle i've got nre with a hottie i'm on my knees i'm begging god please to stop slaying bodies some cool guys missing teeth and they ain't playing hockey we off out of peace baby we're at the time look man here's the deal your mom's house keep it real tommy buns christina p came through the chill i need some weed and about a dozen been a drill look man here's the deal your mom's house keep it real tommy buns christina p came through the

chill i need some weed and about a dozen been a drill