Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 629 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 10, 2021

YMH Live 7 is happening November 18! Get your tickets here: https://livestream.ymhstudios.com/ SPONSORS: - Go to https://ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top, and enter in YMH, to get a 60-day free trial, just in time for the holidays! - Go to https://saatva.com/theshit for $200 off your order - Go to https://Squarespace.com/MOM for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, and use the offer code MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain - Go to https://LiquidIV.com and enter code "MOM" for 25% off - Head to https://policygenius.com to get started right now. When it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right - Download Best Fiends FREE today on the Apple App Store or Google Play - Try Theragun for THIRTY-DAYS starting at only $199 by going to https://Therabody.com/MOM and get your Gen 4 Theragun today! - Save up to 65% off your subscription when you go to https://BABBEL.com/MOM. This week on YMH with Tom Segura and Christina P. #TheGloveComic is back and he's putting that glove in your face! We have a super cool guy giving us a super cool message to all the ladies out there (with a Thanksgiving theme)! We talk about Anne Heche and Ellen Degeneres, bush sizes, and betas that don't eat butts. The main mommies are celebrating their anniversary and they're trying to figure out how they should celebrate 13 years together. Christina talks about Hungarian drinking culture and her cool dads growing up. We get an update on what Tom and Christina are watching: the new season of Netflix's "You," Game of Thrones and Squid Game! Why are Koreans so good at drama? Let's call Bobby Lee and find out! Christina brings her up her favorite new documentary out of the UK, "Breastfeeding My Boyfriend." We review some Horrible or Hilarious and watch some really cool confrontations in public, which leads to the main mommies to share some of their own crazy confrontations. Christina shares a couple stories she's never shared before (even with Tom) about what a lunatic goth kid she was. We wrap up with a bunch of heart felt TikTok curations by Christina!

Happy anniversary. Happy bannister for me. Yes, uh, 26. I don't even know. I don't literally I have no idea how I met you in 91 and then I was 13. I don't know. I don't know the math. Babe, how long have we been together? I don't know. Anniversaries. Married. Don't know. Don't care. Shut the front. Babe. Are you thinking in a nice thought? Mm-hmm. What were you thinking? Share the thought. Now it's turned on. Thoughts are gone.

Aww. I wish you would have shared. You know, we'll talk about it on Mike. Like, the show. We are on the show. Oh, we started? Yeah. Well, what I was gonna say is that you often will sit by yourself laughing, smiling, and then or talking or talking to yourself a lot and by the way last night I didn't even bust your nuts, but you were in the shower and you were fully having a conversation with yourself. You were like And I didn't I didn't stop you. I just stood there and I watched. You watched me have a conversation? Well, it's not your shower and the kids were you know getting put down to bed. Yeah, and I just in the mirror

I was like at the sink and I can see you and I was like But I didn't even mention it right like I'm so used to it But I do wish you would share the fun with me because I do see you laughing a lot in your own head and then I I mean, what's the point of being married if I can't have some of that? I tell you sometimes. I Tell you sometimes. I Do well just right now I could tell you were thinking a good thought about me and then you didn't share it you chose not to I like your jumper Thank you, and I I was thinking that too because your friend from Australia called it a jumper. Yeah. Yeah, what was her name?

Charney Charney. She's I like Christina's jumpers. Yeah, and I thought of that when I put this on today I thought of Charney so shout out to you Charney. Hi, Charney. Yeah, I thought about that too. See that was fun We had a moment and That's all it takes is just to share See now you think a bad thought you just had a bad thought Had you know how to bad thought cuz I see your face whip and your nostrils flared. I know you I know you We've been together for 27 years. You don't think I know you think you know me Think you know me

Shit I heard what you guys said the gloves fucking back Yeah, yeah, the glove is in effect Well, there's some we should remind everybody that of course YMH live is coming back very soon November the 18th live stream dot YMH studios that come for tickets get them in advance Otherwise you deal with all the traffic day of an hour of the show You know what that's going to be

At 8 o'clock central 9 Eastern and of course that means six Specific on the West Coast Special guest Joseph Rogan of the yeah of the Joe Rogan adventure podcast Where he has a lot of the Joe with the JRA the JRA? It's gonna be a really fun. I spent some time with Unkshine. We have some other Very special

Guests or segments that we've done Yeah, it's gonna be great. It's a great way to get into Thanksgiving week It really says the holidays nothing says holidays like your YMH family Joe asked me he goes What it what um, what are you gonna show me because I've sent him some of the videos before from the heavy segment Yes, we're gonna show me I go. It's especially curated just for you He goes really and I go yeah, and he was like oh he goes We were at where we were eating with someone he goes Tom sent me this video It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life

I was like the picture a whole bunch of those he was like, I don't know how you could top that I go You can't have it. Yeah, he loves a live show. He talks about it on his palm cast How they're just outrageous and I'm so excited to have him in our But thanksgiving is coming up really it's thanksgiving thanksgiving But I got an opening clip. You want to see it? Oh, let's start the show Here we go baby I'm gonna stuff you like a turkey

And you're gonna get that gravy you're gonna get that gravy real good Not sanitary Are you miss the wink? Oh, I saw it. Oh, yeah I Every time I Hear that guitar, I think of Steve Aiello playing it. Oh, yeah, that was awesome sound check It was amazing every time I hear I think about you fingering yourself to Vincent Gallo You guys are two peas in a pod I told you I like psychos and you and Vincent. Yeah to psycho bros

I'm gonna stuff you like a turkey That's from Buffalo 66 right there. Yeah, spanning time spanning time. Yeah, you're gonna get that gravy real good Who was he talking to is this to somebody or just general? I think it's um, someone's in mind But everybody gets the business he's spray everybody I Hate those metaphors. I'm not interested in that like I'm gonna spread you like peanut butter or whatever God Yeah, there's always a certain type of guy that says that. Yeah, it's not. Yeah, I know weird beard

Yeah, it's never like it's I think you said it's never who you want never It's not like underwear models aren't like I'm gonna spread you gravy all over you You know Brad Pitt is not saying that no to anybody ever. He doesn't have to right. He just looks at you and your panties fall off Geez Wonder what his price is it sure is a lot more than Vince Gallows. I'll tell you that Could you imagine to get Brad Pitt semen if I got in touch with him? And I was like, hey, what would it take you know for a night with my wife like with you. I'm like, no not with me Thompson girl wants to fuck you man. I'm like, no, well not me

You know, I've heard that he is a big fan of yours I heard that so back in you know, the comedy store days that it's heyday Adam I think was Adam who's who's like, yeah Brad Pitt's Brad Pitt love Tom's girl. It's my his favorite comedian He came to see you so Brad might be listening right now. He told me that and then spade told me that he was like I don't know why but It loves you He's I don't mean to brag but Anne Hays is a huge fan of mine There you go

She was at the store when I ain't she's like, I love you. I fucking love you. Really? I was like, I love you Remember when she was a lesbo. It's pretty cool and celebs Remember what wasn't she gay for a minute and Hesh. Yeah, she was gay with like With Ellen with Ellen. She was like Ellen's first boo public boo. I'm gonna start talking about eating pussy. What I want that hour So bad, could you imagine how great that hour would be of just it's called eating pussy and it's by Ellen DeGeneres I bet Anne's got a nice one too. She's pretty She is so beautiful in person. I know I can see it. No, she's she's charming and lovely

I really like her. I mean for the minute that I talked to her in the comedy I like her too. Could you imagine eating Ellen's box? Nope. Oh, why did you fucking put that in my head? I Was enjoying the Anne fantasy for a second Is that your celebrity crush then? Well, it was for the moment until you put Ellen's Fucking furry hole in my face. You think Ellen doesn't shave good dude Ellen looks so much like my uncle Steve It's fucking ridiculous Like especially that picture on the up there on the blue. Yeah. Yeah, you know it, right? Yeah, that is dude. Pichu Pichu again I gotta bring in a picture of my uncle Steve. You guys gonna die. Yeah, just two two peas in a pot

That does look like your uncle Steve. Yeah, maybe she's Hungarian. That'd be crazy What if your uncle Steve took his pants down and he had a pussy? He's like, I am Ellen. I am and I'm a shitty boss Yeah, I thought Ellen was canceled wasn't she canceled. I don't know. She's got like fucking four hundred million dollars. She didn't care. Who cares? Yeah, who cares? Blondes don't have thick bushes though. We blondes. Hmm. Very sad Well, historically, I mean, we're not hairy. I gotta say though as a as a guy No, just a woman. I don't care about

Bush Like it none of like, you know, I mean if you're like I would never be like you need it I need it more like this or more like that same thing with tits. I've never been like, you know, they're great But if you're like, or should I mod a big? No, you have tits. That's it. That's all we need Like they could be any size any size tits or the right size. I know but I think any size any length bush is the perfect length Bush does Bert agree with you. I don't know. I don't know cuz I I don't think all men are as cool as you that way I've dated guys that are like they have to be spinners. They have to be a hundred pounds. They can't have big time I like big tits. I like little tits. I like I

Like big ass, you know, they're so specific. Yeah, those guys all get the Guitar treatment though I mean, I know because I mean don't you fall in love with the whole person too. It doesn't yeah, of course The body parts are like, yeah that you just yeah, of course you end up loving the whole thing You know, I also found out that like I didn't I didn't know that some guys Don't eat ass. I didn't know that You mean who are you been talking to? I asked that guy. I don't want to say his name the guy you know I was like what he was like. No, I wouldn't do that. I was like

Wait a minute. Are you Are you straight? Yeah, he was like, yeah, I was like you went out this checking you like her I know See, but but there are guys that are weird like that that are very weird about hygiene very weird about body smells and juices and Listen, I've been with dudes before you that were very uptight about fluids and Stuff. Yeah, not everybody's as cool as you and that was my big attraction. Yeah I really was like, oh, I thought like a chick would be like that back. I was talking to a dude

No, I was like, huh? Here's the deal man before you I only dated How do I say this? Kind of no, I yeah alternative Nonsense gendered men. Well, just a little more beta leaning I would say and then you were like my first football player. Okay. Yeah, like I was a goth girl So I dated a lot of like all dudes Sure, and then you came along you're like a played football in high school

And I was like, yeah, like I don't that doesn't attract me in the least all that normal stuff. Well, there's no way I led with that Nice to meet you. I played football in high school. No, but as we know, I didn't say you led I know but it sounded like that was the story like I was like, what's up Tom played football in high school I'm just saying you are a different type of I got jet. I like the guys I went out with before like I said alternative they were eyeliner skirts tats Weird, I mean it was the 90s guys was way more fun was the 90s It was so fun. They were a little more Femi. Let's say. Yeah, are you listening to me listening to you?

Yeah, and then you came along and you were a very traditional cis gendered white male Yeah, and you were like I like you're gonna get that gravy real good. Yeah Put it this way. You're the first boy. I dated that watched football That I never dated a boy that was into football. Really? No, and you know, you played you were just a masculine guy And then you were like, I'll I'll eat your asshole. I'll suck the shit out of your butt. I'll lick your Scrumic you didn't care and I was like, oh, I like this. I like that. He's a regular guy. Yeah, I Really, I'm just discovering that not every guy's like that. No Yeah, no, I thought I thought a guy would I thought guys do that when they like a girl not that you do that with every girl

That's the distinction. Yeah, you don't do that with every girl I'm like, oh, are you very attracted to the girl and then they're like, yes Like so then I'm what do you mean then you rub her box all over your face, right? And then they're like what? No, some guys are not they're like of tight They're so of tight. I'm maybe I just dated troubled men Not all of the boys I dated were like that I'm not saying that but somewhere. We're modest More like I'm a scram. I'm not like that aggressive. I would say that you are the most aggressive of the men But yeah, and I think it's because of your testosterone levels. They're extremely high

Yeah, you're very hairy. I never dated a man as hairy as you You're just a real man. I like it happy anniversary happy bad a smart for me. Yes, uh, 26 I don't even know. I don't literally I have no idea how much you in 91 I was 13 12 married in 94. I was graduating from high school Babe, oh, how long have we been together? I don't know anniversaries married. Don't know. Don't care. Shut the frat Let's see I met you we met in oh five I was 28 we didn't eat no five we met no we met in oh two, right? And I but we started dating when I was 28

And by the time we were 30 I was 32. We were married. So that we got married. No, wait How many years is that I can't do fucking math 13? We've only been married for 13 only and then plus for dating 17 years total Yeah, isn't that 13 years It's crazy. Yeah, does it what is it? What is it like 45 years? A hundred thousand years it feels like the slow it I feel like there's fossils of when we met I know I feel like I'm always on an elliptical machine. Like, you know how one minute of that time is so fucking painful Yeah, you're just like one of them. I know. I'm like, okay. I get it. It's a long time

Why are we still counting? Yeah, yeah, I feel like after a certain amount with someone you're like Anniversary is it it's like how many breasts did you take? How many shits can you take? Yeah? Yeah, I know what are we gonna do for our Bannis Murford? I Know we're so busy right now. It's so we can't even take a night. We did the best thing ever last night Matt slept I know that's what I'm most excited about these days. No, I guess that's middle-aged. Yeah, if you're like, what's the most exciting thing? I'm like

Fucking sleeping. I get so excited when I'm on the road And I know it's a good problem to have I'm very fortunate They do a lot of two shows a night and I'll find out it's a one-show night I don't I don't know what I'm like what time is the second show and they're like, no, it's only one show and I'll like Really? Yeah, I know they're like, yeah, what do you want to do? I'm like go to sleep Yeah, I get all excited about pumped. Let me tell you when I went to mom for The highlight of that trip was staying at a nice hotel and sleeping and there are three days I didn't even go outside until it was showtime and I had to walk to those days when you're on the road

Well, I don't hear from you until the afternoon like it's into the afternoon. You're like, what's up night night? Yeah, I because sleep is so rare with two children. You just don't the most rarest They're most distrair Realist, yeah, so what are you gonna get me? What nidov Google? What 13 years is? What's the sounds like bad luck blood play? Oh, I know, right? 13 yeah, why do they do this to by the way where they're like, it's the paper it's gotta be something that it's the aluminum Lace

You can buy some sassy panties Okay Sure, I got you something special from adam and Eve comm promo code mom check out It's lace no, it's rubber Yeah lace, I mean, what are we supposed to buy each other? That's lace. I don't know super gay Sorry, I try to stop myself from saying that I was like, no I'm old. I heard the stammer. It's super gay

I Was like, why am I gonna try and stop who I am? I think you guys know I have no hate in my heart at this point Goodness, I don't know if they would know that buy me a lace Mercedes. Okay Buy me a lace massage massage my asshole massage. I mean, what can we do? We can't even spend the night away because like we have two little ones. It's We'll just go to dinner out with the water You guys can survive be so scared. Oh my god My god, how much will come through an empty house? I think that's the kind that messes you up for life. Yeah, it's not a funny prank for I

Remember this is so traumatic My dad would go to bars and nightclubs with me, right? Like he would bring me with him on school nights and stuff when I was in third grade And then I told my mom about it because I was like, it's so rad we go out we dance and like she's like you cannot do that That's not appropriate. So then my dad decided to just leave me home alone and go out to bars and nightclubs And Not get me a babysitter. Why so I would be up until 2 a.m. When the bars closed to 2 30 Just in panic in fear of when my dad would come back from the bar. It was horrible. Yeah

I'll be talking about that in my next Netflix hour and I've had pay for a lot of therapy. So go ahead and watch that. Okay. Jesus. Isn't that crazy? Why not just get the babysitter he didn't know Because he's a fucking savage like in Hungary you would just go with your you know No, so his father would take him to the bar in Budapest And then he would make the kids wait outside in the snow until your dad was done drinking and then you'd walk home with your drunk dad That's how they did it in the old country Yeah, my dad was my dad thinking he goes well at least I didn't take you and make you wait outside

That's what my father did Because I called him out on it many years later I'm like, why didn't you think to get me a babysitter? I was terrified and he's like well usually kid comes with you to the bar I didn't do that Like he really didn't know, you know, he really doesn't know He's the ultimate didn't know. Yeah. Yeah, I believe it like his his hardcore hard-knock life was Different different real different real different. I cannot even first world bro. Like that's Hungary was like

I guess you that's the one thing they say about the real communist societies is there was never danger of like no crime Yeah, that's what I'm saying He could just wait for his daddy outside of the bar and the one's gonna take you because they throw you a fucking gulag and shoot Probably pretty cold. Yeah Budapest winner. Yeah Fuck me in your dad in there, too. Yeah, it's fucking cold dude So cold. Yeah. Yeah, could you imagine as a child and their dad's got a hammer, too Of course, I'm sure they took their time. It was a quick drink. Yeah

Well, then I had a relative who was drunk on the rooftop and fell asleep on the rooftop drunk in the middle of winter He was dying his violin up there Drunk and he froze to death in the middle of winter. That was my mother's father. That's how he died. That's your grandfather Yep That's on her side and then my dad's side daddy took him to the bar. So this is how he died Heart attack during sex with my grandmother who was 25 and he was 50. So there was That's tight. Yeah Yeah, she so she was like 21 when they got married and he was like late 40s

And then my dad was like eight and he had a heart attack in his while having sex And she didn't know what he's like rolled over and that was it you had double cool grandpas They're all cool. All the guys in my family are way cool No, they're the cool guys. Yeah, the coolest. Yeah, perhaps the coolest and then my stepdad He's dead. I can talk about this now. Yeah, he was from India and He would lie to women. He was sleeping with this was the one of my favorite stories. I've ever heard. Yeah So he would say, you know, he would he be bouncing multiple girls, right? Working a few of the ladies and he's like, well, I can't see you this week because I'm going to India

I'm going to visit my family back in India. I'll see you in a couple weeks Meanwhile, he'd go on another trip with some other girl or fuck a bunch of other girls So what he would do to prove that he went to India to the girl that he had lied to is Take one of his pictures down From like cuz, you know, he had like a good nash or something framed and like reframe it and give it to her Gangsters yeah, and so elaborate if I may Gloves off to you I

Mean, but why the never oh my god Indie he's like, yeah, Mumbai and yeah, pick that up. Yeah. Yeah I got this from my uncle's house or whatever and he would just reframe his Indian artwork He loves me so much Which is always so funny because that the lying to me seems like so much effort. Yeah, just I Feel like you can't just tell somebody like hey, I fuck around. We're not gonna be exclusive. I think his brain works like that Oh, no, please. No, no, you know, what's interesting is this look at this Party trick challenge what watch watch. I don't like it already just watch

Presetic lamb, I don't know. I don't know what's going on in there. You put it on real quick. I think you might have like one Of those like disjointed limbs, you know, you can just walk around like that. He seems to be Okay, here's my theory because I knew a girl in high school that didn't have legs from the knees down Right, she had a prosthetic limb from the knee down I'm guessing that's a prosthesis. Look how but look how like a press usually when people put on prosthetic limbs There's a bit of a labor involved and he just fucking absolutely snapped that and then snapped it right back in Thanks for showing me that yeah You know as funny as

I was having a conversation with native about The season three of you which I haven't Yes, I started it and he goes I think I just realized that I don't like watching these dark murder shows But he took him to full season To figure it out as he fell asleep watching to go. They didn't feel good in the morning I Can I can relate to native because there have been shows that I would just keep watching and I'm like I fucking hate this. I hate it so much. What's the next one gonna be? Yeah, and then you keep I was like that

Would I show younger? I was watching that for a while and I fucking hated it. Yeah, and I just kept coming back to it But then why do we keep coming back? There's something that's pulling you in. Yeah something's pulling you in so I started season three of you Mm-hmm. You gave me permission because we were a part Well, is it hard to watch shows together when we're traveling this much, you know, have you started you have you started it But it's a slow Yeah, and you know then between I was home with just the kids and It's good, it's it's good. It's cooking. Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited. I mean, I'm definitely gonna watch it

I'm very I'm a big fan shout out to Sarah Gamble who came on the show square space. I love square space I have used square space to build. Oh, I don't know four or five different websites over the years It's just that easy to use. I mean, I'm not a computer programmer I don't know HTML and you don't have to you don't have to know anything fancy to use square space What I love about square space. I love the templates. They're clean. They're beautiful They're easy for people to navigate and they have Website templates for any kind of business or any kind of thing you can imagine Whether you're an online store, maybe you're announcing the birth of a child or a wedding that's coming up

It's just it's so simple. Don't you don't need to pay for an expensive Website someone to do it for you do it yourself 24-7 award-winning customer support Make it stand out with a beautiful website head to square space comm slash mom for a free trial And when you're ready to launch use the offer code mom to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by liquid IV Making hydration a priority helps us feel healthier on a day-to-day basis and fuels us to be our highest potential I actually start in the morning

I get a bottle of water and I put a one-stick one stick of liquid IV in makes the water taste Well, like something that isn't just water They have different flavors watermelon strawberry lemon lime and here's an interesting fact about liquid IV one stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone So not only does it taste better you're actually Hydrating yourself more efficiently in cooling weather and cooler weather you can miss signs of dehydration more It's important to stay on top of it Especially if you're exercising if you're working out if you're doing anything where you're sweating you want to hydrate more anyway

It's a it's a great product. I I drink some every day I'm a huge fan contains five essential Vitamins more vitamin C than an orange and as much potassium as a banana grab your favorite liquid IV flavors nationwide at Walmart You can get 25% off when you go to liquid IV dot-com and use the code mom at checkout That's 25% off anything you order when you get better hydration today using promo code mom at liquid IV dot-com We started a squid game With you then went to sleep. Hold on BT does so I caught squid game in the green room somewhere And I was like Tom's gonna love this. It's got everything you love violence depression fear terror

I Just everything you are just so I'm like you're gonna love this. What is the delay? Yeah, and so we started last night and you immediately you're like I cannot watch dubbed. I cannot watch dubbed Yeah, I don't like watching dubbed. It's infuriating. I agree I had this conversation last week with people who are watching this show squid game It's a Korean show on Netflix that became a global sensation and everyone's talking about it And they were like, yeah, I watched it done and took the you know, you get used to I was like Just fucking turn that off man. Watch it with subtitles, but then I don't want to read

Yeah, I don't like to read. I'm too tired to read. Yeah to me. It's a it's a I don't I won't watch it dubbed That's why I fell asleep. You're making me read and I had taken some there a flu or whatever and I was like So so but you like the violence, right? Well, I wouldn't say that I like the violence I like the premise of the show. I like the show. Yeah shows really it's very dramatic You like that Korean's love drama fucking they're amazing. I want to know why that culture produces such great Like features and shows. It's super intense Yeah, I was thinking last night. Yeah, and this might be a thera flu thought Yeah, because I was I on thera flu listening to it. Mm-hmm. You have to pay attention to me when I'm telling you, okay

Go ahead But isn't it crazy that we're all human beings like we're all the same species, right? Like we feel the same stuff. We have the same dramas the same concerns the same biology Yet if I were to land in Korea, I can't communicate with the same species It's fucking crazy like a dog from Australia or a dog in Paris can talk to a dog in America, right? We can't talk to that's a good high thought That is a fun high thought. That was cruel. That's cool, right? Languages are different. Yeah But like no, but I get what you're saying that how is there sounds like there's only thing that like really

Like yeah, well, here's the thing a gaze translates, right? Yes body language looks signal. There's there's signals, right? Yes, universal. Hello wave. Yeah anger translates. Yes emotions But you're right like like detailed nuanced subtext all that like like to really connect with someone It's why I've this is like taking it somewhere else. I was always like, oh man That's that's something that doesn't exist when people are like in a relationship or married who don't both fluently speak Like that's gotta be there's a level of conversation. My parents have never had yes because my mother's primary language is Spanish Yes, my father's English. Well, although they communicate. It's never the same. It's never that Level now and and things are lost. Yes miss communicated and misunderstood all the time

Even in the age differences between people even an hour age gap I've noticed like I'll reference some TV show. That's for sure. You're just you're just this much off. Yeah culturally because that's the The gap Begins to be slightly there at about two and a half years. Yeah anything over two and a half years Like you that's a show can be on for three seasons. Yeah Cultural impact. Yeah, and then and then go away. Yeah, if you miss that time period, you miss it You know, yeah, it's so true because even my parents who we were just talking about because of their primary language being Hungarian And my my understanding of Hungarian is different than their understanding like there are words that they would use that I

Would never know because it's the slang and the vernacular That they came up with to do you know what I mean? So I feel like I never knew my parents either because of that language barrier. Yeah, and that cultural barrier I will never truly right truly. No, I know what it is who they really were and all this came from your theraflux high Forget about it I don't think he'll answer but let's just try who you're gonna call Bobby those busters. Oh, yeah It's only fucking two in the afternoon. Oh, yeah, he's sleeping Plus run our time zone. Yeah, it's noon his time, baby. He's sleeping

No, call text Kalila Kalila's up. She's probably up. Yeah, she's wake early. It's gonna see If I want to talk to the Korean guy, no, I know she'll nudge him. She won't he'll be all upset and groggy Jesus Christ fucking unreal but like How is it that? Like I still understand how people have different sounds for things like a dog in Chinese as a go-go like that's go-go and Then we say dog or all right, right? No, the other the sounds thing because that's um, that's so weird

In Spanish they say that a dog's sound is guau guau not at all like what and you're like, no, it's woof woof, right? Yeah, that's what you teach here. Yeah, like that is not the sound that so we hear different sounds Bananas how do humans? Collectively and how does that even start like two people are hanging out and they're like that's a cup, bro Yeah, and then they're like we got to tell the rest of the village. This thing is called a cup like how does language the etymology? Yeah Yeah, fuck this girl who used to study language Yeah

Yeah, but I like squid game Squidward game, it's cool. It's intense if you want if you like intensity That shit is that's Koreans dude. I like their soap operas, too You know hello my 20s was a big show for me You know what I love most about Korean TV shows is their food because I love Korean I love watching them eat I'm like, oh, I want to make that Yeah, bulgogi Calbee Calbee Fucking really good stuff, man. I know even in this in the show. They're sitting around just eating

I know just homemade stuff and you're like, I'm looking my chops and it's all in like, you know, mom's containers You're like, oh, I bet that shit's good But so you and I have gone different ways on Game of thrones. Oh, yeah I I got through season one finally and I I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm just Super busy right now and then I get like Something will happen like you get me to watch an episode of squid game

Then I'm like, I want to watch this now. Yeah, so you start to lose you lose track, you know of like Right what you were watching. Well, plus with the GOT is that something it becomes very predictable It's like this this clan has to go to that clan and we're gonna fight. It's just like Battle battle battles. Someone gives birth to a dragon or a demon and that's pretty cool There's some incest and then boom. It's very cool. Yeah, I like it wonder when they're gonna announce new episodes You tell But anyway, you and I are now Going separate ways on

Yeah, run with it. Go run with it. You're giving me permission to watch the show. Go ahead. Wow the glove gave me permission Have fun Do your thing Thank you. Yeah, thank you No problem. Well, all the time. Oh, remember where's that from again a porno? Yeah There's then she goes. I'm all the time. Right. That's why it's from a porno Is that her yeah, she's gargling come right because I'm saying like what's the scenario again? I forget that it's like fucking 60 guys lined up and they're all just like in her mouth. Yeah. Yeah

That's what she wants it all and that's what she goes. Oh She's gargling it and that's the one at the end. She goes thank yeah Remember the come dog the sprinkler. Yeah That's not the old soundboard. I gotta get that. Oh, it's good stuff Real high-level stuff Classic wiremage, I wonder why I didn't get an NBC sit That was so funny, I don't think we've ever really talked about that Did he call back? No

He did oh We can ask him just about what it's like being Korean and stuff Hey, man. Hey, we're doing a podcast right now And I can ask you a question Well, that's what I'm gonna get to Okay, okay, okay, so I started watching Squid Game and I want to know why why is Korean entertainment? So intense. Yeah, it's so good. Why? Well, we're intense people we were oppressed

Yeah, and the Japanese play with our little penises. Yeah, and they stole your rice The rice that's number one thing. Yeah, he goes stealing rice And then the penises, okay Right, and they used to boil us before my dad. Yeah, I remember that he told you that right before bed Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I was just thinking I was thinking your stories about your father are like an episode of Squid Game Exactly, dude, and that's like I'm so glad that's out there so that people understand the kind of fucking shit But I mean it is a fucking in like that show I'm I'm just just getting into it and I'm like I love it

But so dramatic but that's the main word and I'm you know watching other like Korean features I'm like this shit is super fucking intense Movie about big fucking Peruvian fucking fuckwads like you. Okay Yeah, like big ass ugly ass fucking Peruvian fuckwads. Jesus. I'm guessing you just I'm guessing you just woke up Yeah, yeah grumpy. This is your first thought of the day Jesus. I just woke up. I'm in Hawaii. I'm like shoot, you know Okay So rude diva bid you farewell in your own language, uh, adigato my man Oh Sayonara, okay, I'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. All right. Gosh so grumpy. So where are you gonna see him next week?

Typical fucking China, man. So What I I love Hmm, where are you seeing him next week? Actually, it's uh, well, it's right now because we're recording this like a week ahead. I'm seeing him in Cancun Cancun We're at the just for laughs right Cancun comedy festival. Yep. I'm a guest on his uh On his um podcast podcast with uh with Khalili. No with uh, It's called uh ginger and soy sauce and they fucking ginger and soy that's not a bad name

Yeah, that's the two of them. I like ginger and my soy sauce. Yeah I mean, yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, buddy. What are you laughing about for reals? I I really have fun with that guy. He really makes me laugh He really makes me laugh. He's so funny Um I don't know what this is here, but let's let's check it out Sister And I liked it

I was on you. That was your girlfriend You're a motherfucking live nigga. I fucked all your hoes nigga. I fucked your white bitches Let's go You Okay, no, I thought turning you out means turning you gay the bitch turned me out I thought that's what that means when they when you turn someone out. Okay. That's not what it means I mean, I guess maybe there's multiple meanings Okay, what does it mean the bitch turned me out? I mean, I think she got with his booty

Nah and ate it That's right Scrum-dogged him. She did Oh my god What's it say? To turn out a good person with minimal or shy sexual experience into a freaky sex hungry nympho. Okay There you go I think I think it was his booty hole. Yeah. Yeah, but they wouldn't and he wouldn't admit to that

Do you mean he'd be like, yeah, I like butt stuff like that's extremely No, he didn't say he want like, you know stuff up there. Oh, she licked my scrum. I think that's what that's what you heard That's what you heard, but that's not what was said because a boy can dream For our um, well, I'm sick right now. I have a cold That would that's what's I do Okay, no, you do have I know I know you're sick. I can't lick your scrum. I can't taste though. So maybe now is a good time That's what I would argue

But may I tell you something? I'm extremely disappointed. I had my cholesterol Checked. Yeah. Are you listening? I'm listening. All right. So I took a couple of months. I changed my diet I've been eating lots of legumes. Yeah nuts. No red meats No, you know, I'm fucking fiber fiber and He tested my blood again. The cholesterol was like one point lower Meaning meaning and he goes well, it's a genetic thing then and and that's true because when I was in my 20s I also had higher cholesterol than what's normal. So turns out like generations of sausage eating is what

Changed thousands of years probably. It's my only genetic weakness that I've found so far. Okay Well, everything else is Pretty fucking superior. You do have a I've talked about this before and I think I think maybe the kids got this from you Which is pretty wild at least one of them is that like you will sleep off like sickness. Yes Really crazy. I fight it with my mind. I've seen it so many times. Yeah We're like, I'm really sick and you're like, I'm getting it and then you're like You take a nap and you're like, I'm better. I'm like, what?

Yeah, and you just you get over it But sometimes like so the other night it was too late. I It was too late and I just but even now like I should be way sicker than I am and I just fight it with my mind I tell it to fuck off get fuck right out of here, man. Get the fuck out of here And I will it away, but you haven't gotten sick in a while lately But I've also been taking better care of myself. Is that what this is? I mean, I've been taking like vitamins supplements eating well At least I'm not getting great sleep all the time

But I think like I try to get more sleep, you know, so I get a little bit more than I used So I think that's kind of like a wellness thing too, right? I want to take more vitamins I think they really do help. Yeah, for sure. They do. I used to not believe in vitamins I'd be like fuck this shit, dude. This is definitely help. Yeah pussy vitamin. Shit, but I gotta pee Let me go pee real quick. Geez. I may have it had to for a while. Well, you just say so. God That's what I just did say I am ready in Good job on your pronunciation Nadov

Hey, I have something I want to share. Why did you So I was just saying he's been working at it and I feel like his Hebrew is getting better and better every day Yeah I wanted to say since we gave up game of thrones is the show we watch together Yeah, I have replaced it with a new one Nadov If you would please bring up this show Go ahead and read it Tom. Breastfeeding my boyfriend viewers don't think they'll ever recover from watching the channel for doc

What's happening? So this is on the BBC channel for apparently It's women who Enjoy breastfeeding their grown up grown ass boyfriends. Why wouldn't you fucking save this for me? You watch this No, I mean it's BBC. So we have to watch it through the the VPN. Okay. Yeah, so they just they just that should be in the ad by the way Yeah Yo, you want to see some shit you want to see these guys sucking their girlfriends tits for milk express vp

All right the broadcaster. Oh my god, so Pair up milky mummy. This is hilarious the contributor known as milky mummy Um, explain how she made 30 000 pounds a month selling lactation videos I can't read other women called Lana said the practice is the perfect forplay for her and her boyfriend And that she missed breastfeeding her two children once they grew up It's an adult nursing relationship and typically breastfeeding three to five times a day Because the boyfriends enjoy it. Do you realize so when you're breastfeeding an infant? Yeah, it is a fucking part-time job It's constant. So to keep your milk supply up. You have to be breastfeeding a grown man three to five times

A day and people are just mortified which is so funny. Yeah That's I hope channel four are announcing some sort of support helpline after the show for traumatized viewers. Somebody tweets So these these uh grown men are breastfeeding that often like like I have to you have to do to keep the milk duck like Working to maintain your breast milk supply. Yeah, you have to be milked essentially You know three at least three times a day at least more to keep it fresh What do you think? I'm just thinking about that. That's a lot of time in your day It's a lot of time for what makes your dick hard. Yeah, and also Does it does it keep making your dick hard?

Does it get like? We've been doing that a while now. It doesn't get to like a mommy like like I think it definitely is a mommy thing for sure yeah Well, then wouldn't it be the ultimate? Oh god, I can't even go there. I'm so weird Well, okay, so your sexuality Let's go back right so your your first sensual meaning not sexual but sensation sense

Thing is with your mommy sensory sensory. Yeah, so that's the beginning and then as you become an adolescent or become a child You differentiate between like Your sexuality mom's sexually cute, you know, and that's all mixed up when you're an adult breastfeeding That is that is wild dude. Yeah What do you think would you be into it? No, that doesn't it's just you know the thing about are you into it? I think is almost Almost the time is almost automatic or at least there's a curiosity So like you either go yeah, I'm into that or you're like

All right, I would try that and then there's things that just do nothing. It's not I'm not even like Repulster no set by it. It's just that I just go it does nothing Does nothing for me either. I don't think and it's also it takes a long time You'd have to I have to teach you to latch properly That's a whole thing and then it's rather painful when your milk comes in and then Breastfeeding sucks. I don't know these women are crazy. I love it so much Yeah, and you're you've got teeth and a beard and everything it would be painful on my nip nips Maybe there's some other mommy out there that likes that. Oh, I like a bearded baby

Yeah, because you're you're not an infant. I mean you're a grown man. You eat steak and stuff, right? That's tough Um, I just saw this in the folder. I haven't seen what I'm about to pull up. Okay Um, but it look I can't even read it because it's small here, but I I think it's going to be funny Day six tired people asking if he's the time to grow Hilarious enjoying his retirement from his arduous job of being a door-to-door yurba mate salesman back in the 80s I missed the days before yurba mate was mainstream. This fun. It's hilarious I source forage salvage handpick and harvest my own yurba mate Near the whatever goanus canal. This is hilarious. So this guy, this is in hipsters of new york

Oh, I love that. I look like Eric Andre likes it. Yeah Very funny Tired of being asked if he's I gotta say he's got some pretty fresh gear on. He does look cool though. I like him. I consider it a compliment sir I'm sorry. The people are doing that to you Doyle. Wait, you're fucking 62, man. Looks great God he looks good for 62 Shit, I know that's how I look at I was like, yeah, I kind of wait. Oh god. He's 20 years older than me. Fucking great

God damn it. Yeah, that guy does look like you a little bit. Not as much as, um, Vincent Gallo though, right? Oh, fuck stop Oh I don't like it Jesus christ, where was that? That's not korea. I speak fluent korean. I did not hear that. That's definitely not. Yeah. Cambodia, maybe Let's hear it again I'm the master of asian accents

There's also writing on that What the fuck That's Thai. That's Thai. I don't know. Okay. I'm very impressed. I don't fucking know, dude. Okay. Guys, I'm trying to speak Palakazot What is it? What's that? French. Grandma Pa Maybe it's Uzbek. Oh, oh, yeah, could be Uzbek Uzbek Okay, could be shit

Oh no That was a good one you didn't like that one. I don't like it. I don't like people being hurt. I'm not Like I'm not I'm not I don't share this with you. They're fine though. Are they? Yeah. Okay. How do you know that dog? I just know they're fine Is that her again? Yes, let's hear the echo. What happens when I do this? You know, I think they're the best. They're my favorite. That's my favorite interaction I've seen No

No, I don't want I think it's cute the gag and I get that he's torturing her But I don't like the actual vomit stuff, you know, all right That's cute. Okay There's an account I follow. Um, it's this girl who's married to an Italian guy And she's always fucking with him like hey, babe, babe. I put the red sauce. I put the ragu on the spaghetti He's like ragu. You don't put ragu on spaghetti. Yeah, and like, uh Today's like, babe, babe. I got you some Italian ice and it's like a shitty box. He's like, what is this? He gets so mad. Yeah Yeah, I've seen that. It's funny. That's funny interaction. Yeah, there's another cultural difference couple. See that's gotta be tough

Definitely. Yeah, how do you really relate to somebody? You know, I don't I don't I think you can you can relate and they love each other But there's just levels of Conversation you're not capable of having no you can't because there's little subtleties Well, even where you grow up, right? Like when I meet another Angelino, there's a shorthand Exactly. You just know exactly what the fuck culturally we're talking about. Yeah Oh But it's not always happy anniversary. Yeah 13 years with my jane

Motherfucking rex fucking It's great. I like this kind of shit. That was great. Yeah. Thank you for ever film that. That was really cool I like I like like kind of rugged guys talking shit. Yeah, because these two could fuck each other up pretty good No, I think the one guy would fuck the other guy up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay The guy that walked over was clearly the aggressor. Yeah, and the other guy was like, are you gonna assault me? And then when he walked away, he was like fucking bitch So crazy when people talk like this to one another. Yeah in public. Could you imagine? Have you ever gotten this heated? Um, yeah. Yeah

What do you mean? Yeah. Yeah with who? When I mean, I've had you know strangers in traffic. I'm thinking about like over a lifetime not like last week We were gotten this heated. Yeah, I've been that heated before at a traffic thing No, I did not get out of the car and do this with somebody but I've been this angry with someone. Oh, oh, yeah Oh, no, I'm saying that have you ever been this triggered by A traffic like somebody cuts you that's what actually yes Because one time I pulled in this is an LA This is years ago

I pulled into a parking space and as I'm pulling into the parking space the car that's parked there opens his door And his door the way that I entered this and the the speed and the time which I entered His open car door scratched the side of the car And I got really really heated like really upset and he was like trying to say this is what happened sometimes Like he was dismissing his culpability in it Which made me that makes you even more mad and I was really really upset. Yeah. Yeah And I I was screaming and saying A lot of not nice things. What'd you call them? Just things that you shouldn't you shouldn't say

Did you get racial? No I Like what then you're not supposed to say racial things like like you're so like you short motherfucker Like what do you you don't know him? So like what do you I mean? I was just I was just calling I was just like I don't remember the exact Phrasing I used but I remember that I was cursing a lot and I was really animated and really loud and really angry God, I'd be so scared of you. Was he super scared? I'd be so now he he actually stayed pretty calm

He was older than me like not old, but he was older than me and I was probably like I don't know like in my mid to late 20s or something and he was probably in his 40s something like that And he was just like this is what happens, you know, like is it just like this is a kind of thing that just happens I was like, yeah, it's your fucking fault. You know, I was Cool You know one time I remember I was in 10th grade and I flipped out on this girl because she sat in the seat

I normally sit in during biology And I fucking freaked out on her. I was the one time in my life But I was also emotionally troubled in 10th grade I remember being like the fuck out of my chair. This is my chair I will fuck you up in the parking lot Like I threatened to hit her in the parking lot with my car if she didn't get out of my seat Did she get out of your seat? She sure did Well, it's cause shana was in class with me and she sat next to me and that was the seat I always sat in

I'd been sitting in that seat for weeks weeks weeks and now you're gonna take my desk. That's my desk You know, that's my desk, bitch. Why does she do it? Was she doing it to provoke? I imagine she just wanted to sit there. I don't know why I have no relations I had no relationship with her up until that moment. Yeah, but she was a little checked out She was a weird one. Yeah, but I threatened to fucking murder her because of my seat. She took my seat Sometimes it just happens Sometimes just happens just give mad for no reason that I called the guy told me he was gonna die Which like and I told him it was gonna happen if it didn't happen today would happen

And he got he called the police All that shit Ultimately, it felt good. Yeah, like, you know, it's worth it. Yeah, kind of worth it to threaten someone's life If you're gonna take the risk, you might as well go all the way. Well, because it you know The thing is that that that day when I threatened that girl who took my seat it did feel good To say it like instead of just swallowing it and being like, no, it's cool I'll go sit where I don't want to sit. I like that. I had the balls to threaten her that day Yeah, yeah, same thing. Like when I called that guy, I did it because he was he was so rude to my mother

That's different. Yeah, ultimately I was like You know, even if I get arrested, you know, like I'm not he get arrested for just threatening violence over the phone I think state state to state, you know, it depends on how like real the threat I don't know who you're threatening But like ultimately I was like this feels good because I I know he's scared, you know And I and I knew that he he at least was like I don't know if he felt like his life was in danger But he felt like he was now in a dangerous situation and the fact that I knew that was sitting in his head was rewarding, you know

I get it, you know, I get it. Yeah I told and then when he um, he told me he had called the police and he knew who I was I laughed He did. Yeah I just know that that had to do something to him to hear that He thought that like I was caught and I was like, I don't care I'll fucking go to jail and when I get out, I'll put you right back in the fucking hospital, you know Because I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about jail. You fucking try me fat. So Did the police ever talk to you? No. Yeah, the uh, the the place I was working talked to me

Why because they were like, yeah Uh, we got a we got a call from the police About a death threat. Did you did you threaten a guy in a furniture store? And I was like No I was like, no that guy we were fucking around. He said something and I was like, you know, I mean like They were like, okay. Like the guy was like, all right. Don't care Yeah, if that would have been any other industry besides because that was a show business job As I recall and it was the tech guy, you know, there was like they like those places have like a weird

Tech guy. Yeah, he was like Hey, I'm just like, did you I was like I was like, man, it's me. Look at me. I'm cool. He was like, all right And he just went back to like all the computer shit. He had to do Yeah, if you would work at the law offices of Fleming Folgers and crystals or whatever they'd be like There's a serious problem with Tom Segura. Yeah, he fucking called somebody and threatened to kill them from from your office, Tom Yeah, yeah, with me. They were like episode 301 is to get locked. So we need to get that color correction

Going and I was like done Yeah, just shows you the ethics of showbiz. Yeah, no one cares. Like, oh, you did that But it made me think about like how to threaten people more Creatively. Well, just like how to cover your tracks like where I fuck. Yeah Well, how did you fuck up a color ID? I was so emotional. That's the thing you get real emotional. You can make a mistake I was so emotional that I had I called him from my cell phone Bad bad. So I mean I was young and Thoughtless, you know, what are you gonna do now by a burner phone? No, you just call them from like someone's landline

Or like a public phone, you know a public if they exist anymore You can find them you can find them So you have to drive around town find a public phone in their rage in your blind Yeah, I'm gonna fucking get that thing is you try that I find a payphone Fucking man, you know that where those phones are ahead of time. So find those phones when you're calm You know, this is what you're now you're way overthinking bro. Go to 7 11 buy a burner Okay, and you make the death threats on the burner. Everybody knows that right any you're the tech guy You tell me how do we make why would I know that because you're the tech guy?

So how would we make a threatening phone call without getting caught? Yeah, you definitely use a burner or you use google phone or skype or something. Yeah. Oh, is that untraceable? Uh, google phone. Yeah, you could you could make that. I don't know why you think I would know this No, because because you're the tech guy. That's why not because you're fucking sue. Okay Not because of your behavior, but because you you're you're you're the tech guy that works. You know how to do all this Oh, I see you don't even use google like and he doesn't use google He'll use the cool guy the cool hip search engine that doesn't track you like he knows that kind of stuff Right now. He's now. He's basically like I'm allowed to shop in this store. Why are you asking me?

Yeah, we didn't take it there any it wasn't meant to be goodness. No, I didn't mean that I didn't mean that Um, so you didn't get a burner But yeah, you skype You skype what a great ad for skype, right? No make all your death threats on our line Skype for when you want to get caught. Yeah Pretty cool. So I'll tell you a bad story So in college my roommate

So I'm such a retard like I don't even know if I want to tell the story. I'm so embarrassed, but I'm pretty fucking right or die as a friend. Sure. Let's just say that much. Okay FGTR For real though. Okay, so my roommate slash bff one of my friends not shawna Uh Was into it with this girl that was like the ex of the boyfriend She was seeing now and this girl was talking shit to her Blah blah blah and she's like this bitch is trying to fuck with me and I was like, well, I'm a fuck with her So I called her from our landline and I fucking threatened her ass. I was like, if you fuck with my friend

I'm gonna fucking beat your ass in the streets and I'm gonna fuck, you know, like I talked all kinds of crazy shit Well The popo did show up. They did so they traced the call To our house. You never told me the story before. Well, I'm fucking embarrassed. It's fucking embarrassing Okay, I should have known better. I was way too old I was like a junior in college like what is wrong with me And so they come knocking on the door And my roomies answer and they're like did somebody place a threatening call to so-and-so and they covered for me

And they're like, no, dude. I don't know you're talking about and they're like, well, we think it's Christina And they said they knew my name and they're like tell her to report to the um precinct tomorrow And of course and of course I went first thing in the morning I showed up at the precinct, you know That's a funny one when cops are like tell the person to show up about this Crime and turn themselves like it's just not a major crime. It's it's nothing and like what so I was like, yeah Yeah, I'll be there tomorrow. Go fuck your mother like no, you know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying SFP you really said some threatening shit on that call. Yeah. Well, I was like she's messing with my friend and I I don't know what got into me. Did you tell the cops that?

No, oh, you didn't say anything. So that girl who I threatened. Yeah Called I understand that yeah, and then the police showed up my I hid in my room And they were like no, she's not here And and they're like, okay, we'll tell her that she needs to come down to the station Tomorrow and we're gonna talk to her and I was like, oh shit, and I just didn't go Yeah, should we edit this out of the show? Is there a statute of limitations? You're fine. I'm threatening phone calls. I'm so afraid I would never do that now and just you know, I told the man he was going to die And I told him it was gonna happen when he wasn't expecting it

Oh, wait, there's another incident I've done Babe happy anniversary for more shit. You didn't know about me. Yeah, I think I may have told you this one so in college I had a boyfriend who Cheated on me with this other fucking girl. Yeah, did I tell you the story? Well, you told me. Yeah. Yes I'm so embarrassed too. Well, I don't know if you I don't I knew that part. I don't know if I know what you're about to tell me I'm so embarrassed. So Of course, I you know, I just find out I'm super pissed I'm at this party this house party

And she shows up and I'm super like drunk and just fired up And I was like, she better get the fuck out of here. I'm gonna fucking fuck her up, you know, like I'm crazy And then so she leaves the party And I run to the window and I fucking spit on her from the window And I fucking yell at her and you nailed her cuss her out. I don't think I I was so drunk I don't think I hit her of course not but I was like, fuck you, bitch I spit on her from the window I know. Hey, I was a troubled youth, man

This girl was punk as fuck. I was fired up Fired up Angry But I haven't done anything violent like that since college really I mean I'm been mellow, you know, I did No, this isn't We you know, we're this isn't violent. This is we're so dumb. We think that no one's hearing this conversation No, no, this is just besides us like it's not aggressive millions of people. You just took me back to college

I think I've told you this before There was this there's this girl walking by and it was cold. It was like the winter time and uh I was like, hey Hey, and I'm in my dorm room on the second floor. I go, hey, and I knock on the window and then my hand goes through it The window? Yeah. I was like, hey, hey Oh Fucking glass shatters all over her the girl who's attention. I'm trying to get and then I'm caught on my hand

I was like, I was just saying hey Just shattered glass and blood And it's like fucking 30 out So I was like, ah So we call like stuck the housing and they're like, yeah, we'll come fix your window. What about your arm? It was not it wasn't badly cut. It was just little cuts. Oh my god. Yeah. Well, that was stupid I had a friend in college one time Uh, we were all getting drunk and he put lighter fluid on his hand

And lit it on fire. Yeah Third degree burns not a good idea. It was rad like the trick was fun We were all like whoa, and then he couldn't put it out. Yeah And then third degrees the worst it was it was the word and and he like oh so bad It was so all for a laugh for for a ha ha. Yeah, and it was but it was impressive It was kind of worth it for me. Anyway, you know, that's why it's amazing that stevo's alive Oh my god, I know like all this crazy shit and you're like you have functioning like Everything works still

How I know he's he's done the wildest shit you see on camera. You're like This is okay. He's been broken and yeah, I know But you always you're always like how you should have more permanent problems. Yeah, like he's healed. Well even shaggy Our friend from the icp Yeah, remember his injuries. He was telling us about his arm. He didn't even go get it fixed They told him they're like it's fucked up. He's like, ah, fuck it Crazy That stuff is just wow, but some people are just wired that way. Mm-hmm. They can survive. Yeah

Wow, would you bet how new rebel you didn't even know that about me? I mean never told you those stories I was so embarrassed about the um The police coming for me. That was bad. Yeah, that's embarrassing. I get it Whatever And then you realize already you get like, oh, everyone's done stupid shit. Yeah, I'm gonna die one day No one's gonna care anyway. You know what I mean? Sure Yeah, it's touch the limitations. I'm sure his long past to him on that crime There's no

Seven years, right? Yeah That chick's probably long dead. She was you know dead. I don't know doing drugs probably you think so What'd she look like you remember her never saw her you never saw her never saw her Wait, this is the one that you threatened. What about the girl that you spit on? Fuck that bitch So the girl that I spit on Ended up getting real fat and I was like Bitch like I saw around and it was like you fat fucking cow like I was so happy about it

And then um, oh dude, and then she became a lesbian for a minute And then I was like this chick's out of line She was just out of pocket. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. She just when I was crazy I was like, oh something's wrong with her and then I just started to feel bad for her. I was like, I don't I'm not mad at you anymore Okay, like I went through all the stages of like, yeah Oh, you're you're kind of sad because then because then I would like facebook stalker Like you know what I mean like a little while later just just to make sure just see what's up see if she's still fat

Yeah, and then like confirms you still suck, you know You ever do that Just to make sure you still hate the people that you hated I totally do that like you still suck But don't you confirmed but don't you love to get to not hating? Isn't that the best? Yeah, like I say that now as more of a an adult joke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's I don't hate anybody I don't I don't have the energy. We're all children of god. We're all messed up. Yeah, it's no No, but I'm saying like there there was a point I think in my 30s even where I was like, yeah, dude

go back and I don't know. It's kind of validating. It's confirming. Yeah, when you're like, no, you still suck. Yeah You know my high school nemesis She still sucks. Check on you check on her. I mean, what's a decade? It's been a really a nemesis for you. Yeah Yeah And here's the deal man. I didn't start the war she did And we were like in uh competing golf Clicks for a minute. I know it's so so we used to be in

So at first there was one goth click like one big goth click and then she was like Buck cristina and then she split off and took a couple of homies there and then it was like my click versus her goth clicks Yeah, and then I saw at my 10 year reunion. Yeah, she still hated me I was 28 years old. We were 28 and I was like, hey like I went up She should become a mother. She'd become a person, you know, yeah, and I was like, there's no way this girl still hates me And she gave me the cold shoulder

10 years later and I was like, you still fucking hate me I don't even know what I did to her. I honestly don't even know what I did to her I don't really have I didn't ever really had like an enemy like that But she started like I said, I I don't have any natural enemies. I don't have any enemies. Yeah, she's she hated me I don't know what what the fucking deal was. She never told me why she hated me So then I was like, all right fucking you want to you know, okay, whatever. Yeah, she still hated me Decade later still mad at me Jesus, I know fucking bitch. I know it's so bizarre. But again, I don't hate her. I just knew she hated me. Yeah, what you can do?

Do you have any enemies? I just said I don't really I mean, I don't I don't think I have active Stuff with anything about like I mean, I moved so I was a new kid a lot So I got bullied a couple times when I was real young, you know, like fifth grade when we went to the school in Minneapolis or in the suburbs of Minneapolis and then probably a little bit in Milwaukee and then yeah, even going to Florida too. You're like, you know, you're always new But I didn't have like an enemy that like stayed with me throughout the you know, I mean, you just were new for a minute So people would like be like, who the fuck are you, you know, that kind of thing

And then you take one of their fucking heads and you smash it Locker and you're like, I'm the fucking new kid, bitch Fucking bitch. I'll make you eat your teeth. You know You'd have to fight back by the way. That's the only way is to fight back. Yeah. No, and I wasn't like that I wasn't I was a nice kid. No, you are sweetheart. Yeah But then didn't you get hot? Like I imagine you became you're always attractive. Why were they fucking with you? You always fucked with a little bit when you're new, right? Always new, of course

But then I mean I'm saying I mean, I there was one There was just one kid in college. I just remembered this now who I brought I brought goons with me um, because What an episode somebody revelates happy anniversary I saw the fear in this kid's eyes too Because I was like I was like an ambassador like I have I have friends in every group You're that kid. I was always like that every school

I could uh, I could like click jump. I could go hang out with goth kids and rock kids. You're cool. I was cool as shit Yeah, every every school whatever. It was never a problem So I was in college managing the radio station and a kid who had managed it before or worked at it before He was kind of antisocial and weird And he well I went in one day and he so he was no longer a part of the station But we were letting him go in there and he left a fucking mess, right every record out Cups or I was like who was in here? so they tell me

And I call him and he was like and he had like all this attitude and I was like what the fuck So like what's all this attitude and he was like I'll fucking do whatever I like like to talk a lot of shit And he had a friend with him who was like this real weird goofy kid And there he was like why don't you come over here? And I was like, okay, I'll come over there Where yet and he told me I was like, okay, so I brought two fucking goons with me And then I was like and I the best was that it was kind of like being Like a mobster because I I didn't actually Get mad like I just walked in

And they were like pacing and I was like, what's up, man? Smart and he was like well And his friend was like Well, and his friend said something and one of the guys that I brought I go I go if anything happens I'll go just break their face like just do whatever you want to them And uh And the guys oh my god the guy I was who I brought with me Told I guess this what you could say to this his his little sidekick

Said something and he told him he goes like shut the fuck up if you ever want to like be able to talk again And and that kid shut right down And then We made them go to the radio station and clean it up all this because of a messy room Yeah, and then I was like and by the way don't ever come up here again. Like you're never allowed to here again Um But that was fun. That was a fucking that was super fun. Yeah like

But see that's the thing like all this irrational behavior at the day I spit on that girl From that window. It felt really good. You know when that happened to me again when uh I was working at comedy club that I can't say okay. I could tell you later sure But the comedy club Really loved me like top to bottom managers staff everybody and they had a legit fucking psychopath Bouncer like It's like the tat like a like a guy out of a movie, but he loved me

and um I Like I would tell him, you know on these real late. We did it with late shows Crowds were drunk. Just like, you know like wait every comic you just police the room if someone's got a hand So I've been going there for a few years And this dude was always like just give me the signal and one time They were like, oh, no, they're like, hey, just you know Just so you know like he's he loves you. So like he thinks he's like

Like really protecting you and I was like, okay and I finished the show and after the show They were like it was a it was a late show that got crazy and I was like get this guy out here and they were like dude They're like, do you see what happened? And they were like so and so was like, oh like they're disrespecting tom

um And the guy like curbed him He go he picked the guy up by his neck And then he threw like he he bounced his head off The fucking lobby floor and they had to cut the carpet out Because there was too much blood And I was like that was for me. He's like, yeah, he's like a fucking dog that thinks like you wanted him to do that And I was like that is pretty cool. Like I think I know who this bouncer is

I Whoa, because Yeah, I did a club and somebody got At 86 because they were drunk. Yeah, and they were like, yeah, he busted his head on the sidewalk and the cops came and there was blood Yeah, I think I know who you're talking about Can I tell you something? Yeah, that's a different guy

Ah Yeah, so listen to everybody listening when you go to a comedy club and you get ripped And drunk and start sassing and you think it's a fucking just Fun normal environment comedy clubs are Full of fucking wild cards that work there. Like there's a reason you should really scope out the uh security Well, I mean don't act a fool. There's some some psychos working Dude, there's one that I just worked with a security guy. I was like, I was looking at him I was like, this would be the end of anyone's life. It's like

Yeah I know people Don't don't get too drunk and act out because you don't know what can happen to you. Happy anniversary. It happens a lot. Yeah, happy anniversary Oh, no, I know. I'm wondering who you're talking about Fuck Kind of feels good. Yeah, I feel good now. Get off your chest. I'll have to yeah Yeah, I was deeply ashamed of uh of those two stories that I really don't meet threatening that girl and then spitting on another girl You know, it's just a time in my life where I was so confused and

So angry, you know, just pre-therapy. Christina. This is like early 20s Do the those guys that I bought with me. I think both just got been in jail. Oh, how'd you find them? I went to school. I knew everybody there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I knew a dude who Yeah, I knew a dude who was like arrested on gun charges at your school. Yeah. Wow. I really changed the admission policies Loyal I bet There's a lot of psychos out there, dude I'm related to a few

It's so we're man. Yeah, it's good stuff. Good stuff. It's really what you want. Yeah, let's uh Let's jump into some some uh, is it time? Yeah Any lady who wants to go on a date with me There'll be guaranteed a steak meal. Yes. Does our guaranteed a steak meal So come and date me I like him. I've never heard an offer. So I feel like I've seen this one before. No. No A steak meal And that's um, that's gonna work right for someone it works for me

I'll take it You like steak. I don't like peas and chips or whatever. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, it's not the steak is nice Right. Will he take you to a I mean, I wonder if you get to go. Can you name your steak house? Or what if he's like because there's definitely levels of steak? Well, that's what I'm saying. This is like clearly in English. It doesn't or or whatever. It's not I mean, I like a mare I like I like Ruth's Chris's Yeah, out back. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, you get to tell him like Hey, buddy, we got to go to Ruth's Ruth's Chris's. Yo, fuck it. Are you Manto?

Oh Brown sauce they like their woman have been like to women have been taught today that Men want a woman who is opinionated and argumentative I know no high value man Who is looking for that in his partner? Men want a woman who is agreeable They want a woman who's gonna follow his lead And have his back a woman who's ride or die. That's what men

Are really looking for. Yeah true He's right I want to hear your bullshit But you know, look in all in all fairness does anybody want somebody who is disagreeable? No Is that the word argumentative or is it argumentive? I don't know. See it could be like this could be like combative argumentative argumentive argumentative argumentative. Shit. This is why I thought combative was combative

Yeah, okay. Yeah, uh, you know, does anybody want to be with someone who's disagreeable? He's but y'all you also don't want the opposite is like docile. I don't you don't want like somebody who's like shut down Submissive. It sounds like he does. He does. He might want that totes. What's it called? He calls them high value men It's this thing. This seems all this shit these kind of things they seem like to uh Formulate like this is what the form you like you're supposed to. Well, here's the deal man. It's not the way that should work It's not the way that shit works because I think men respect high value men or whatever respect women that are

intelligent and Look, it's reciprocal, right? Like We take care of each other is what I'm saying. I don't think that like what you say goes or what I say goes. Yeah, it's like Right you gotta be in it to win it together. Yeah, silly Oh This guy's the best He looks good. You look really good, man. You look good jumping ahead Oh, hey guys

Uh, it's windy out. I'm under their tree and I'm getting blown it feels good Get it. I get it. He's getting blown I thought it was nice because he made a jokie I don't know tried to warm your heart This is my thought My diabetes And it's email Is just

Mass That is a mess Mind your business. I'm getting my boy from the middle of the trunk for later on tonight. It's mind your fucking business Uh, he's right. Yeah, the joke. I get it. You know what? Um, I heard is that once you hit your 60s You you just get toe fungus like your nails get fun fun fungal. Maybe you just get toe fungus infections nail fungus That's what dr. Drew told me. I think sounds like it's probably accurate Usually you see older people have foot problems. They all do and it's like it's almost and they say it's inevitable You're just you're alive so long that you start to get fungassy

Yeah, and also like that's a body part that like is like Like uh, the moisture is trapped, you know, like all the time, right? Like you're wearing shoes boots socks I know so then do your balls get all sticky and will they grow fungus too? Hope so I hope so does that but then do your nuts get all gamey because they're always I mean nuts get gamey every day kind of depending on the weather, right and what you're doing your activity level Not every day, but you know if you do something active or if it's really hot your nuts are not gonna smell like roses I thought that was just interesting that just by virtue of being old. Yeah, your toes get fungassy nails

I'll tell you thanks for bringing it up Let's go to the next one Oh my god Oh fuck you are bad motherfucker, bro. Yep Oh Dude what a dummy Why are you doing that? They want to get rid of that raccoon. I guess but bro

There's got to be isn't there a trap or something like didn't we get traps remember when you have them? Yeah, yeah, and that was an LA Raccoon will fucking tear your face up man. I didn't know that. Yeah, I remember I didn't know that I used to when I lived with someone they had Raccoons in their backyard and they'd come right up to me and I'd be like hi little raccoon And it was just like they'd chill and stare at me one time almost I think almost came up on the bench right next to me But they're used to Oh my god, that's Texas, dude

Bro That's the aquarium we go to with our kids. That's here. That's here. This is the aquarium. I take our children to that's the Austin aquarium Yeah, that's how rad Texas is but no, no, no, you're not supposed to do this. Oh He's getting escorted out Oh, but I'm just saying it's fun too when you know everyone follows the rules and stuff. Yeah Yeah, dog That's fucking crazy. I know that dude did that just for this video Yeah, those are sharks. It's disgusting, but those are sharks too. Right, right, right?

And you can take your kids to feed fucking sharks. Are you recording? By the way, do you know how scared everybody there is? Like parents kids, they're so scared. It's traumatizing for the kids. I wouldn't like that to happen Yeah Get the fuck out of here Son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill your ass. Yo, your underpants are popping off from underneath your belt That's a great one. You like that one. That's great. Yeah pissing off parents You like that? Gary. I know you can get out of here. Come on. Get the fuck out of here

Son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill your ass. Yo, your underpants are popping off from underneath your belt You know why because that was a high stress situation for dad Yeah, and that was a hot turkey and mom was like get out of here because he's always like hey, hey, hey He's always recording But you know when you're in a high stress stitch like that, you're like it's a fuck out of here Yeah I want to rock and roll our night And party every day

And I'm terribly sorry if it fans your fake moralistic bullshit and your plastic and cardboard lies I'm really sorry fuck you so What's really neat is this is canadian weird Because he has a canadian accent. My man's got trouble. No big trouble big time trouble Makes the word lipstick. You're so phobic. Oh man. That turn that turn happens in your private life all the time And it's it's not nice. No

He was polite about it like yeah So this is canadian talk. Well, you heard his accent. Yeah. He's like smiling. Yeah Smiling in nice. That's a story that bobby lee used to say he said that whenever his dad laughed I mean that violence was next. Oh So his dad would be like And then he's like Stabbed his aunt with like a butter knife at a restaurant It's so traumatic. Yeah, so traumatic. Yeah poor bobby

Oh, fuck that guy. All right. Here we go I'm fine. Thanks. I just woke up an hour and 13 minutes ago. Now. I'm riding my exercise bike in my living room Then I'll eat breakfast. What about you? I imagine this is what guys were like that you dated in college You know They wouldn't be that athletic or regimented None of my boyfriends exercise. What are you talking about? But I mean this feels like a discipline the type Oh, I didn't date fucking tiktoks, babe. They were just like

Artie kind of guys like tatted. Okay, like musician types like not like fucking Here we go these guys are Oh What the fuck is happening? She's eating a live animal. It's a snake, but it's alive. No, no, no, they look like they're moving because they're in a circle Shit Watch it again. So no, I don't want to it's pretty fascinating. So no, it's not

She's eating. Um, just like ropes of snakes, but these snakes are dead. I don't want to watch it again Oh, I've watched it so many times I may be just a baby And baby things I do But I can't just squat anywhere And feel my nappy with poo Mama That was an international one

Who knew that that little space under your kitchen cabinets where your toes can slide under is designed that way on purpose It's called a toe kick and it allows you to stand closer to the counter while cooking That was a nice one. I like that. Yeah, that's like how you take a book out of the show To these I wish you gave me folders filled full of these Babe, they don't make many of these in my feed. You know that these are the anomaly Okay, this is my new favorite lane guys doing martial arts in there at living rooms I mean last week we had the nunchucks guy And that was pretty impressive. And now we have the rings guy. I've never seen rings before have you? No, it's really cool

Thanks for including it Hi, my name is ken. I'm gay um person this I know I look how I don't I don't look by age, but I am So I was like, you know But I am it's very good. How old is it? It's a very effective promo

How old did he say he was he didn't You wouldn't believe my age I am but it is it is what it is Jesus, I don't know if we should follow that's pretty great to close on please. No, I like these more Please what are you doing to me? Hey you trolls who are disrespectful to me Keep on messing around with me I will use my anger management this stuff On your head

All right, that was really cool How am I going to get out of this one? If Somebody left you like that Imagine if someone left you like that. How is he gonna be so full someone's there? But I'm saying what if you were left like that? Well, you know when you live alone I remember sometimes I couldn't even take my dress off at night because it was zipped up too high Yeah, couldn't reach it. This is this is another level. Yeah

Listen, he's one of those like vacuum latex suits, but there's no arms out his arms are inside It's a bad idea. You'd have to go knock on your neighbor's door or like thump like Or how hard you'd get punched if that person was black I mean if your neighbor came knocking dress like that. Yeah, you would not open the door No, like to fuck out of here. Do with your weird shit. I got kids in here Oh Now this combo smack I gotta try there no way

No way I mean, I love butter but not like this. You can't eat that much butter I'm maybe like a little bit of butter with ragu. Maybe But doesn't slap it does not slap Don't you ever Join this dumb ass shit. You know what it's there for? Why my retarded ass sign up? That's what that is I love him so much. That's pretty great. I've watched this one like 20 times. He's in the army Um, you see those shit? Yeah, why my retarded ass sign up

So good that was a good one. That was a good one. That's your last talk. That was a good one. Now you feel like you had your sorbet Yeah, um, all right. Yeah, happy to stand at Erdini server Nerfini. Um, we got a run It was really fun. There's really good stories today. I can't believe You got me to tell those stories. I know you forced them out. It brought up so many memories Uh, it's the cold beds. I think I Not together we got to get you on those more often. I don't have my defenses up I'm just freer in Texas. You know what it is I really think because this studio

Is so minimalist. It really brings me back to who I am. I like it. There you go. It just feels more comfortable. Yeah There's no yeah different different. Yeah, I like the shittiness of this Closing song is mark wallberg by jack Clayton. Nice Yeah, you got it Yeah, you got it What Yeah, you got it Oh

Yeah, you got it What Yeah, you got it Yeah, you got it You