Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 632 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

SPONSORS: - Go to https://ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top, and enter in YMH, to get a 60-day free trial, just in time for the holidays! - Go to https://saatva.com/theshit for $200 off your order - Head on over to https://Stance.com and pick out whatever styles you like. Enjoy the color and comfort of a life less ordinary… with Stance - Check out https://FIVERR.com and receive 10% off your first order by using our code MOM. - Head to https://policygenius.com to get your free home & auto insurance quotes and see how much you could save. - Go to https://HelloTushy.com/YOURMOM to get 10% off plus free shipping! - Try Theragun for THIRTY-DAYS starting at only $199 by going to https://Therabody.com/MOM and get your Gen 4 Theragun today! - Go to https://SkylightFrame.com and enter code HOUSE to get $10 off your purchase. The jeans are getting pulled completely over your head this week with Tom Segura and Christina P! Now that J Nadav is C Patty, the main mommies try to teach him about Christmas and what it's all about. We open with a clip from a certified marine screaming into the abyss and really annoying his roommate. Tom and Christina share stories of all the crazy ways their kids are trying to ruin their house, share Joe Rogan's reaction to poutine, and get a neat new update on Norm Summerton! Christina reviews the dumbest holiday movie of all time "The Holiday" starring Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jack Black, and Jude Law. That gets the mommies to debate who would be a better lover between Jude and Cameron. We look into Jude Law's personal life and how he can afford all 6 of his kids and girlfriends/mistresses. Christina goes over how divorces ruin wealth which makes them go over all their possible divorce strategies, and the booth boys revel Christina and Bert Kreischer are pretty much the same person, which makes Tom the fun beacon. We watch a super cool post-race NASCAR interview with Kyle Busch, come up with possibly the best name for Christina's new Netflix special, and Tom shares a recording of Christina and Bitsy snoring together. ChrisJeansa shares an article of a man who killed his wife with cobras, which got the main mommies into clever ways to get rid of your spouse in different regions! How would they make the YMH staff disappear? And then, we wrap up with a wholesome batch of Christina's curated TikToks.

We were talking about what ruins people's wealth and he's like, it's baby mama divorce divorce is the first one Yeah, and get you get clean out so you and I cannot split if you want to keep your money, bro This is your sales pitch. This is my sales page on a staying married forever. Okay This episode of your mom's house is brought to you by Ship station the holidays are the most wonderful time of year But if you're running an online store, you know, they can also be the craziest time of year You got inventory to manage orders to fill a growing list of stressed out customers checking in twice a day Wondering whether those last minute gifts will arrive on time with ship station the hassle of shipping out holiday orders melts away

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You will get two hundred dollars off your next satva purchase. That's right satva comm slash the shit Satva comm slash the shit for two hundred dollars off your next satva purchase. Oh my god I haven't even put these in correctly. I'm so excited. We're just happy to be here. You're just sitting here lol-ing at a clip lol-ing. What's that? I don't have my ear buds in I love when you're so just for those of you a little little insider tip here that So Tom peruses these videos before the show and I don't get to see them in advance So the first time I see them is when you get to see them Yeah, I actually generally check out about

About 80% of them. Oh some I don't know to you to like I try not to watch horrible hilarious so that it's new to me and Like on the live shows. I never I never watched more than a few frames. Yeah of the heavy segment because I don't want to You know, I can't and then that too. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah, I get you Yeah, it is special though when a clip tickles your fancy and you can't stop thinking about it Yeah, you know, that's That's why I love the talk so much because it's like a constant supply of crazy train all the time. It feeds my soul Mm-hmm. It's pretty cool Just so people know

If you miss the live show and the live show Initial period which was through the 28th pretty crazy. Hopefully you enjoyed it with your over Thanksgiving with your family Grandma it is now on the rentals page, which is YMH studios comm Slash rentals there you can rent all of the past YMH lives You can want rent the two bears lives that we've done. They're all there YMH studios comm slash rentals And you can then watch it there. So hope you enjoyed if you missed it It was it was a wise one. Man. I can't stop thinking about how much fun we had There were so many great moments of that live. I wanted to thank you to Joe Rogan for coming. Yeah, I'm shine

I'm shine But really I think Chris Larson stole he really did people's hearts Everybody and also that's really good. I think Chris Larson's a new person. He's a different person now I'm telling you since he moved to Texas. Yeah. Oh, this is why I need Titan He's been a lot happier. Yeah. Well, since my life show. He's been a lot happier a lot happier There was a lot of time between his appearances on the live show that we don't know what was happening in there That's true. It looked like a lot of fun was happening. You know what guys can someone tighten this mommy before we move on Back in I don't know. We stopped at two

And he didn't do it in Hebrew which He didn't do it in Hebrew. Yeah, that's a whole thing. We sent his contract now. I Didn't realize that I mean, I know that Nadav I'm sorry Patty is converted to Catholicism, but I didn't know that he's not allowed to even speak Hebrew Who the hell would want to hear that here? It's a dead language now Christina dead to you. It's dead to everybody here Wow, well, can he do it in Spanish or something? I don't like English. It's so boring. What? Well, the one Spanish people Spanish speakers are Catholic, right? You can do a Spanish. You can do Spanish

Practice in Spanish Nadav. Can we hear five four three two one, please ready in Cinco Quatro Trace dose Uno was horrible, but I mean it was not bad He didn't mean he said the right words. He did say the right but his accent's worse than your dad's. Yeah, but he'll get there Yeah, he'll get there. It's a good start. It is a good start. It's good that um

He's not speaking that gibberish I know I'm excited for him to celebrate his first Christmas too Oh, yeah, uh-huh. It's gonna be right um patty Yeah, I mean it's What are the I just need to buy presents for everyone that I that I love and cherish, right? Yeah and you obviously have a tree and put lights on it and put a Star and set up like a basically like a miniature version of um You know where like christ was born the nativity nativity scene and then you have like the

Mary and joseph and then the three wise men It basically like a little nativity scene that you'll and baby jesuska. Don't forget. Yeah, of course baby jesuska. Yeah There's there's two or three different things I need to set up. There's so many and the nativity scene worse on your lawn So that everybody knows that well, I think you should do a public one and a private one The private one you just keep in your room and like when you pass by it You're thankful of the life you have because of what baby jesus did for you And the sacrifices that he has made and then and the public one is just let people know that you're on the right team You know, okay, so the so the trees on the outside and the nativity. No

The tree is inside your house. There's also a smaller nativity scene in your bedroom And then there's a public nativity scene for the public in your front yard And then you'll have like, you know a wreath and lights and just like kind of the christmas spirit outside your house Oh, right. I gotta put okay, so I gotta take the miss is off my door. Oh Pry those things off through them right in the trash burn them if you can please you need to have Crosses now all over your house. Mm-hmm all over Well, if you and then some virgin mary stuff would be cool to have too Virgin mary. Oh the the the tall candles

Well, you know what this might be a better private conversation But I definitely like your hat is a good hat. Yeah, thank you Good job, I got a handful of hats here. I'll just be kind of switching them out as we go Yeah, you're doing good. Especially here in texas, you know, I never really thought about it But you're right the reason you display your santa clause your mary christmas outside Is to let the neighbors know hey, I'm cool. Yeah, we're all good here on the same page Yeah, yeah, you know what I see I'm hoping to see more of Is some santa stuff and some second amendment stuff together

Hey And uh, you're gonna yeah, let's see santa with a rifle and a shotgun And maybe a nine millimeter in his waistband and you let people know i'm christian And I believe in the right to bear arms. I think that's a very texas way of approaching things I think you will be seeing those. Yeah. Yeah, I remember in la. I mean it was common for people to display their Hanukkah Stuff outside too. I don't think we're gonna see that much here No

No, I don't think so either. Uh, I should get to the opening clip. I don't know yet. Oh, we haven't even done that No, you're ready for it. I watched the dumbest fucking christmas movie yesterday. We'll save it and we'll talk about it in a moment. Sure, sure Right, here you go You can go ahead and start having the fbi investigate the dentin county sheriff's office And the dentin police department of texas because that's when I started noticing the sounds being broadcast or emitted And yes, I am a certified marine Marine and I have been trained and listening post and listening for this shit This shit is not going to make me fucking retarded

Oh, yes, don't bring anyone loving to this Welcome to your mom's house with tom segura Excuse me Welcome to your mom's house Yeah, yeah, oh, okay May I have your belugrofo? Gracias

Awesome, babe, that's the clip I was laughing at. That was the best. Yeah, I didn't even finish it. I just started it I started laughing. I just started it. Yeah, he's a trained marine certified, which is usually what the marines say That's what my father's always like. Oh, do you know I'm certified certified? And yes, I am a certified marine A certified Yeah, yeah, that's true. You don't generally hear them use that phraseology. No, it's almost like, um, yeah, you just say I'm a marine Yeah, his teeth are interesting too. What's going on on the gum line down here? Um, are those dentures? No, those are not genuinely curious here. Uh, that was part one. Would you like to see part two?

I'd love to see it. Okay. Hold on here. This guy's really cool I know, but I like his energy. I like his fire. I like what he brings He wants, um, he wants the fbi to investigate a police department. Something's being emitted from there. That's what it sounds like Uh, here's part two. I didn't put that together. I'll show you part one Your motherfuckers better catch these motherfuckers. Do you understand or everybody's gonna go against you? Because he's using his fucking surveillance. You're killing babies Hey, dude, come on, dude We're killing babies, Tom

Did you hear the roommate interrupt him? Yeah, I heard him. He's like, come on, dude. No, he was like enough of this shit Yeah, like this is exhausting. Yeah, he's frank. You've been talking about this shit for weeks now. Maybe months There's smoke in the background. It's smoking. That come on, dude was like it really was a One of exhaust. It was like a parent with a kid. Come on. I said that this weekend 25 times where I was like, come on guys Hey, dude, come on Put it down. Stop fucking painting. Come on. Stop painting. When you call your children, dude Is when you know you're at your your second to last notch of like finally god damn it. That's the next level But dude, come on. That's actually past anger. That's you've given up. Yeah, come on, dude

Yeah, yeah to our oldest this weekend I just like turned my back and all of a sudden there's 20 paint things. I'm like, where'd you get all this paint? He's like downstairs All right, and he starts painting. I'm like, no, you're getting fucking paint everywhere. He's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'll do better and then I'm like, all right. And then the paint Because still go I go you're still fucking paying where he goes. I'll keep trying He figured out the I'm sorry. Yeah And then he's like takes a toy and starts painting a toy. I go, this is enough. This is enough

We're not doing this and he's like, he's like, no, no, no, no. I go, no, no, no, no You know, no, no, no He's like, he's like, all right. And then he was like, all right. All right. Like I did fuck up a lot of shit here He is a maniac. So I bought them these stickers you wall decals you put on the walls of the planets And they glow in the dark and they're stars. Yeah And so we did it before I left town in the kids room on their walls. Yeah, and then I come home He's ripped them off and they're like on the ceiling. They're on the ceilings. They're on the ceilings I don't know how we even got them. He's five years old. He's like, check that out. I go, how the fuck you get there?

He's like, just figured it out. I'm like, what? He I'm like, do you fly? He's like, yeah Like don't climb on furniture dude. They're all over the ceiling here. How are you doing this? And he was like, just put it up there Yeah, what are you talking about? He's amazing. Yeah, that kid's fine Like I have a feeling like if something happened to us tomorrow, god forbid And he was alone for like 24 hours with his brother. They he would survive. They would survive Find a way to eat Yeah, and survive he would have eaten like nutella sandwiches and just live

He jumped off a five and a half foot platform where I was like And he landed and then he was just like doom doom doom and there was a stranger Who goes who saw it with me because I was like, oh my god, and he goes I would need an emt I just did that and I was like, yeah, I've had one So I didn't jump that far and I fucking needed one Yeah, and he doesn't he does it all the time he they never get in and out of their chairs properly The climb in on the side and then jump off the chair and he does it every day and every

You're gonna break your ankle. Nope. Fine. Not yet. Mm-hmm. Fuck Um I got this thing that you because we were talking about the live Yes That you you got the oh, yeah, you snapped some Stuff of rogan. Oh my gosh. Yeah, so funny Here was a rogan watching Poutine norm summertons

That's a lot of piss too. How about his fucking tattoos? They're insane. Like where are you? What are you doing? He was a mortgage broker for years. Was he did they find this and got fired? No, I think every time he's gonna shit on it. I don't know It was the best sitting across from him because I got to see his face is so wild Makes the best reaction. He has the best reactions. What uh, french canadian Poutine flies when you You're we're so

accustomed to norm's poutine And when someone's seeing it for the first time you got to take yourself back to see it for the first time you were like, oh And keep in mind this is the man that you know watches mma fights. Yeah, he hosted fear factor Yeah, so it's hard to gross joe rogan out Yeah, I You know if I miss norm, I love him so much. We actually have an update What? Yeah, is he back in the game? Do you want to see the update? I love to see that. I didn't think we were gonna do it right here God damn it norm. This is a real update. Okay, so a fan

Sent this in Uh, she met norm last spring went for beers with him a couple weeks later And uh, he said she's he's such a generous soul and is such a nice man. I believe it. You ready? Yeah Hey, you big to the animal Show them to me All right, we'll just wiggle them Okay

Isn't that great? Oh, he's so sweet. He's so happy. I like that. He goes out in public with the dog collar too I thought that he might temper that yeah But he does now he's got the full he's got the gear on it looks like a woman's shirt too, right? Yeah, that's pretty nice. I really like that. Oh, I really Is that what garth was thinking of when he said that fucking psycho? I just saw some shit. He posted He's it. He's in he was in ireland. I guess doing these press conferences It's just the fucking it is so Like bundy-esque, you know, what was he doing just holding court just oh like

You you have a moment and you just hold it and like all this shit and he starts crying again and I just I don't buy any of it. What did he say about remember that line? He's about trisha. Oh, yeah He wants to explore every every foot of ireland. Oh boy won't be able to this time. It's gonna do my shows, but I want to see every square foot of this place. Oh, yeah, I bet I'm sure you do now. You don't you're a fucking liar. Yeah People really buy into that shit that I really do There's no way he could be that emotional all the time. I don't buy it at all It is the holiday season. It's always a tough thing to figure out what to get people, right? You don't know your everybody has different preferences, but you know what covers

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I maybe I don't know is he just listen. Here's a deal man. I watched this movie the holiday If you heard of this dog shit No, okay, everybody's saying this is the movie to watch Cameron Diaz. Kate winslet new or old law It's an old movie, but and jack black and it's making a resurgence. It's a I love christmas movies And it was the dumbest fucking thing I'd ever seen it was worse than like a hallmark movie like the dialogue Like, you know, my actors get paid so much now because they can sell this shitty dog shit dialogue like at one point Jude law was like making his speech to Cameron Diaz like And I I love you and I hope that's enough and then she would be like

I I didn't think that you would say that I love you like the dialogue was written by a third grader And like as if first of all jack black is gonna get Kate winslet. What are you talking about? That made me nuts He's not dude. Yeah Cameron gets jude and beautiful. Kate gets jack black That alone infuriated me really she had Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic willing to drown. Yeah, and now they put her with this guy as much as I think I love jack black don't get me wrong Jude is Stunning. Yeah, especially. I mean Honestly to be like I I don't I don't want to put you off

But I I do gay shit with you law, right? Anybody would do gay shit with he's perfect. I mean, here's how it would go He'd be like, hey, do you want to um, you know Fuck around and be like, hey, I'm not gay. Yeah, and he'd be like, so do you want to be like, all right? Yeah, all right, and then what would you let him do but fuck? I don't know. Whatever he says, I guess I don't think he'd but fuck you. I think he would play with your booty like unkshine Yeah, and you guys are french and like jerk off together, but I don't think he would but fuck you He doesn't I'd probably I think I'd leave there being like that was pretty like I don't feel gay. Yeah, I feel like uh

well, it's I feel I feel good. I feel good right now Well, that's the thing as we learn from dr. Joe court is that Guys who masturbate together and stuff. They're not gay, but they want to admire each other's lows would have been loads You have so that's what I think we would do. He'd be like, that's a lot of come time and I'd be like, thanks jude law Yeah, yeah Um, but the reason I brought up the stupid fucking dumb movie is that in his character cries a lot And then Cameron Diaz can't cry. So that's their juxtaposition

Stupid character traits. Okay. By the way, Cameron Diaz is stunning as well. You know that she's like fully retired from fully retarded I thought you were gonna say that she's fully retired. She's fully retarded. Really? She's just done with it. Good for her. Well, I'm sure she's made enough money. It's been a while She's definitely made a lot of money. I'm just saying that like when was the last time you saw Cameron Diaz in a movie I not in a film, but I saw her on a flight to jfk at six in the morning And she looked perfect. I mean, she came on the plane to jfk Wearing the red lip the full makeup. I mean, she's stunning. This is no joke. Look when these people tell you

Oh, there she look at that first thing underneath. Cameron Diaz explains to Kevin Hart why she left acting. Well, let's see I mean, it's a hard I'm sure she did she adopt kids or something probably she became a mom I don't know. I'm sure it says something there Uh, I met my husband. We started a family all the things I didn't have time for before actually Not just have the time for but didn't have the space to make The right decisions for me at the time to bring that in. Yeah, she married the good charlotte lead Uh, what is it singer or guitarist or something? Benji Madden lead guitarist. Okay. Now it's that she had tied the knot or she had

retired from acting Her final movie was in 2014. Oh, wow So it's coming up on Coming up on eight years Yeah, I mean, she's had a great run and I know but it's always interesting to see somebody Step away. It's almost like there's sometimes there's this thing in professional sports where an athlete can retire It's very hard to do at the height of their Like talent and and their ability their peak performance or they wait for your decline because they want to keep playing, you know

So like there's it's like a big deal when they go while i'm still the best I step away Well, what's the move, you know, do you I don't know? I mean like The stand-up like stand-ups are really interesting one because there's absolutely a window Yeah, where your star is rising if you want to say it or like you're in demand And then you know, you go down but also stand-ups this thing where like you don't want to stop doing stand-up I mean, you see these stand-ups that age. They still love Getting on stage and Milton burl was George Burns in his 90s burns phyllis dillard

And it keeps you young it keeps you. It does. I think it's good for you. Um, but like there is a thing where you go like oh, I could Dial this down. Yeah, I mean like for instance the way we tour like I couldn't tour like this The way I go and I hope you don't you'll die For sure, but also I wouldn't be I mean I just you know, it's impossible But the demand decreases for the act and then you kind of you your die hearts come with you over the years You know, maybe you don't get those younger generation. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe you do. I don't know Well, I'm not sure how it goes. Also, there's there's like ups and downs like you you could then like have some project something These days online, but like a movie something that like

Reignites the demand for you and then you're doing big things again. That's true. I think you just want to be able to keep doing stand-up I love it. Yeah movies and stuff is a different Commitment acting, you know Well, plus this Listen and also too when you're a woman I think in Hollywood, you know, you start a lot of people don't realize this But if you look at somebody like Christina Ricci and all these famous actresses, they start at two Yeah, okay, so you start acting in a commercial at two years old and then by the time you're 13 you've already been a child star or whatever now you have to transition into being an adult act not adult actor

But a grown-up actress or whatever now you have to be on the cover of some Maxim magazine to show that you're now fuckable. Yeah, and then that window happens It's like this constant Re-inventing of oneself, but really you age out of show business by 30 What 30 35 for an actress. Yeah, you're dead So the hot one especially if you're yeah, you're the hot girl beautiful the hot chick and Cameron Diaz was the hot girl for Oh, yeah, she had such a good run. She's she's perfect. I mean even in this garbage movie the holiday Yeah, you look at this face on her and I was like, oh, she's just stunning

Beautiful blue eyes and she's just bubbly and yeah, she's a beautiful woman. Yeah. Yeah, so that's funny So you you chose Jude Law over Cameron Diaz. I think in this in this scenario. Yes Who would you rather get filled up and sealed shut by Cameron Diaz or Jude Law? Yeah, I'm gonna go Jude Law. Wow Yeah Wow, he is perfect looking now. Here's the thing both of them. He is right God, both of them. Here's the thing about both of them. Okay They both are stars They're both really good looking. I don't know if they're both giving lovers

Oh, that's a good point. I think they both might be like, what are you gonna do for me? Oh Jude Law for sure. Oh, yeah, he's been Ragdolling chicks for not just ragdolling but also they're like What do you need? You know, I mean like oh, yeah, he's never like, oh, I've got to make sure I please you No, he's getting his dick sucked through the fence. Yeah, like he just shows up touch my dick through the fence Suck my dick through the fence, which is even harder than touch my dick through the fence So the point is Jude Law when he's on set. Do you think that girls Just are waiting in the trailer Like, oh, you took a shit. Can I like your butt clean? Like, oh you

Can I can I just I mean the I don't think a lot of people want to lick his butt clean if he's shit But um, I do think that he has an endless Endless option supply. Yeah because women do Pretty naturally like if you're an attractive woman, you can get laid anytime, but it's weird for a man to it's like a super power That's not natural. It's not natural and it gets way more attention. Yeah. I mean if you uh Like I've had I've hung out

With you know, really good-looking men before like a good-looking guy You see the way women look at them. You're like, oh, that's not other level. Yeah, can you look up Jude Law's wikipedia? Was he ever married? I'm curious. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she better be like then he uh, he banged a nanny and then they you don't remember that I think I thought that was Hugh Grant No, it was Jude Law. Hugh Grant did a hooker See he's not as pretty anymore. That's a rougher shot. He aged Go to personal life He has six children

Six children O M genes so We don't want to look at his activism. We want to look at his personal life Law met actress Sadie for also working on a shot the two married in September of 97 divorced in 2003. They have three children Rafferty Rudy Alfie Loser, oh sienna miller began a relationship. Oh, so that's a model sienna miller is a famous model. Yeah on Fifth public apology for having an affair with the children's nanny Miller and law ended their relationship in november of 2006

He was in a brief relationship with a model named Samantha Burke model. Good His fifth child a girl was born to Catherine Harding. She married his girlfriend Felipe Cohen on May 9th September law announced the birth of the couple's first child together. There's also his six Since 2005 he has represented Dunhill Asia. God damn Yeah, dude, will you do another search jude law net worth because that's just gotta be Going well, that's all over the place. He's got how many baby mamas now. How many baby was the four baby mamas That is a drain on your finances my man

45 million He works a lot Well, he's got to Yeah, I think every time he gets an offer. He's like do you fucking understand who this is going to Six children Yeah, yeah, but you have to want six children Uh, or you want six young girlfriends. I don't know if you want because the younger girls want children Yeah, so if you want that 20 year old hot thing because if you look if you look at his list

It's all the it girls of that year. It's like who seeing a miller was like the hot girl in 2004 Yeah, and then what other model so models are 20 years old. Yeah, I mean she's a smoke show The next one didn't any while he was with her. Yo, what? Yeah That's because that That dick's just heating up. He can't He's too hot cooking in those pants, especially in 04 This is before the hairline starts receding like this is peak jew law 04 You know peak. Oh, look at him. The hair is stunning

He is impeccable. He's so that's the nanny there on the stairs. No. Oh, they got a blonde cute. Oh, that's why Yeah, why do you think are you gonna click it? And Then zoom in so we can see her That's her on the stairs. She looks like a 12 year old. Oh, no, that's a kid. That's a little boy. It's probably his son Oh You know, I mean, what's the appeal do you think she worshiped him the way that he's accustomed to be worshiped Maybe doding. Maybe is doding. And you know what it probably was

What she was there You know, I mean availability. Yeah, he's like this dick's all hot right now. There's nobody here except for these stupid kids Like can I taste me though? Yeah getting hard Around your kids is so unfathomable Just listen to where I'm going like just like don't kids Zap you of any sexual energy like by the end of the day. I'm like, oh my fucking god I just want my vagina to seal itself shut like I don't want. Yeah So like

You got to be pretty juiced up Yeah, I mean, I don't know who knows what the actual real story is. I mean I'm still just kind of like reeling from the fact that he has six kids I thought that was like you misread something. He better make 45 million and he's got to pay off all these bitches That's a lot of women and baby mama money. That's a lot Let me tell you something. That's what ruins men's wealth. Yeah, if you I was talking to some financial advisor on an airplane and We were talking about what ruins people's wealth and he's like it's baby mama divorce

Divorce is the first one. Yeah, man. Get you get clean out So you and I cannot split if you want to keep your money, bro This is your sales pitch. This is my sales pitch on a staying married forever. Okay But Divorce and then like baby mama drama like doing that shit over and over You know what sucks for me too. I had a vasectomy. Yeah, so I made this a fucking girlfriend I get my girlfriend. She's like, I want a baby. I got to have a fucking reverse vasectomy Why do you think I made you do it? Huh? Make it a little difficult for you

Get that second wife pregnant. Don't you fucking dare? Oh my god, if you have children with your second wife, I will murder your wife Why would you care? Because I don't I want my children to know that they're special to you That you're not just pumping out kids. You know what I mean? Why are they not special to me? You can't you can't have you can't What are you talking about? You can't have more children It's like it's like when the lion comes in and then murders the offspring of the lioness that existed prior Yeah, it's because it's dominance. Those are my seeds in the world. You may not create more. I forbid it But you already cleaned me out

Good. I don't want you to reverse it No, no, you already cleaned me out when we divorced Oh, so what I still don't I want my children you can't make demands after that. It's gonna be part of our exit Whatever document what kind of shit are you talking about? I don't ever want you to be happy again Can that be in there too that are you miserable forever that I'm miserable forever? Yeah, I don't want you to be happy with someone else after me I want you just to be alone and sad Well, it's true Why because that's right. That's not right. It is right because I make you so okay like last night

I came in a living remember and you were just sitting there and you're so sweet You're eating a snack and you were looking at our beautiful Christmas tree. Yeah And I said to you Isn't that nice that your wife puts up Christmas trees and makes things nice for you And buys nice snacks and stuff because otherwise you would just be sleeping on your floor on your mattress, right? And I make things nicer for you. Yeah, otherwise you'd just be a stinky old bear living in a dirty cave Isn't that nice You don't think my next girlfriend's gonna be no there is no next girlfriend

That's what I'm saying. There is no next girlfriend. Just me. I'm the one that gives you joy and love. I make you happy Oh, yeah, I forgot Yeah, you wouldn't want me to be happy though, would you if we uh, yeah, I would I would What about if you died suddenly? I mean, I would I would want you to be happy Of course, I want you to be happy with another man. Look, it's not that you go like, oh gosh I can't wait for you to be with another man But you're saying like do I wish you were happy with somebody? Yeah, of course Is there anything that you would absolutely hate like if you die

And you look down from heaven and you're like, she's with fucking that Yeah, somebody not white probably Not christian egg. Um, no, I can't think of I can't think of something. What would infuriate you? What would infuriate me you're like this fucking dandy No, a dandy. I guess So, you know, there is this thing where like as a man, you're like, oh, there's another man Yeah, no, no in like living off of my income your wealth coming to my house. Yeah Picking up my remote control like some guy being like, man, whatever because like they didn't work for it

So they don't treat it the same way, you know So that part's kind of but you can't do anything about it. I mean, okay What if it's just like my personal trainer? And he's like a hot 20 something but he doesn't he doesn't know the come up. He's not that's what I'm saying Right. So that would that anger you? Well, it's not that but it's it's like it's more just like you roll your eyes at it Like I'm not like like furious. You're just like This guy just basically want to scratch off. So he's just like, I got all this stuff now You know, like he didn't actually I'd actually prefer

That you uh were with somebody who was successful. Yeah, you know Yeah, I don't think I could be with a man who wasn't driven Yeah to to be great at anything. It's it's not even about what they do. It's just yeah, they enjoy what they do and they're very driven and Yeah, there's a purpose to their lives and mean the meaning I come visit you at the house and then he walks out of there. He's like, oh, hey, what's up, man? I'm like, oh Jesus Christ Yeah Nobody would really make you hour ago. I can't think of the person that would infuriate me. I'm trying to think um

I think not an x an x You see that he's like all your pussy boyfriends in the past You think those candy asses Brent and me is that that's the impression that I get this episode of your mom's house is brought to you by policy genius Get your property cold weather ready by making sure you have the right insurance coverage This is grown up stuff guys. You got to be an adult and listen Policy genius can help you find home and auto coverage similar to what you have now, but at a lower price

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at hello tushy.com slash your mom That's hello tushy.com slash your mom for 10 off and free shipping already in sinko quattro shreds Dose and doing over on you and we're back Had a quick break there. We're seeing I take a huge shit, but now we're back

It was so big. Yeah Uh So before we move on just to I wanted to set something up here You're single you have an option. Okay, you can remarry. Oh god, brad pit, right? Uh ryan gosselin who you always love. Yeah talk about or Just to kind of give you a full spectrum of options burt krischer. Let me tell you something No, well, here's the thing Burt

and ryan I think they get they're pretty demanding. You know, they're like Bert and ryan. I'm sorry. Sorry brad Oh, and ryan. I mean think about what's given to them and thrown at them all the time I don't know if I can handle that. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot, right? So, yeah, right this fucking guy. So Here's the thing though burt Happy to be there, but also you and him

Very similar personalities. No What are you talking about? Well, I just made a discovery that I didn't know about What that you guys are the same person What according to the guy according to the guys who know you the best here Oh, stop. Nadav and any were like, you know, they're like exactly the same, right? Babe, no And then um and he was like you don't think that like you married like the same person twice

I was like, I've never thought of this What are you talking for a I'm not an alcoholic. Well, hey, hey Jesus You don't have to fucking go there right away. Oh, although you are enjoying a coffee right now That's true. That's true. That's true. It's got some Baileys in it. Yeah B Yeah I mean these guys say that I was like, what are you talking about? They're like, oh, they have the same energy the same person Not like obviously he's louder. He's like a loud

I don't think they mean like the volume of your voices, but they think like you're who you guys are at your core Very similar and I'm like, wow, this is a revelation. Yeah. Well, well, let's talk about that more So what what is it that I would like them the way? Yeah, I don't know. I'm curious. So like, what's the core? You know, you see the similarities. So there's you know, there's a couple things that definitely bring it into account. It's Team jesus There's a couple things that bring it into account I think I noticed it more on the episode of two bears christina where you filled in a newer with burt Yeah, or maybe he was on where my mom's at

Yeah, but it was just like uh for the most part. It's like, oh, here's my product. Oh, that's interesting. I take it back But when you guys are together, it's just like yes, and yes, and yes, and yes, and you want to drink before noon Let's get it going. But like you are you guys just don't know how to say no to fun You know, okay. That's that's a nice way to put it, but I will say christina. You are better at it. Yeah You know, you don't let it ruin your day if it's like mimosas. Uh, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait a second. I'm not distracted Patty. Yes. Yes. Yes. Look at me. Uh-huh. I'm not self-destructive. You're trying to say I'm not fun I think you're very fun You know, it's you're you're you're you're very fun

You're very fun. You know what? You know what it is you have a really good fun beacon You know how to find fun. Hey, that's a good way of putting it I like that you have found fun in two and two very close people to you christina and berth Yeah, both very fun and you have found so I like to like surround myself with fun people You are you are the finder of fun champ That's true That's a diplomatic way of putting them Yeah, but then then you must like burt and myself you you're attracted to us both

I mean clearly clearly I I was like I mean like he said I was like who are two fun people I can be around all the time. It's not true. Yeah. I mean, I think there's a there's a great truth to that I think yeah, well, I do relate to burt His insecurities I share a lot of A lot of people don't know that about burt, but when he is very vulnerable It's very touching how the vulnerable that guy can be at sometimes. Yeah, no joke Yeah, that's the part of him. I I grab I get you know, yeah, I'm day drinking Shades margaritaville we're talking about but I had to stop and get a drink

So do you see the similarity between you and burt? Yeah, I do you do I do I like your is it like because he does this thing where I have to say I kind of admire this about the two of you and it's going to sound very insulting great That's you know, by the way, that's the best way to start a compliment is this is going to sound horrible. It's not This is really a nice thing about you God damn you no because I think it actually If I may be vulnerable, sure. I think it speaks to my insecurities and my own uh being very self-conscious in that I am more apprehensive

to say something That might make me look stupid right and the two of you don't have We're daring to be stupid. Yeah, that's what you're saying. You're both like I don't give a fuck how stupid I look fuck Yeah, dare to be stupid now. He I'll say this. Yeah, he is a 10th degree black belt in that I'm jv you're you're getting there. Yeah, but he is really a master. He's but can I tell you I'll tell you why Here's the truth. Yeah, as funny as a jokie is that sounds it is a quality that I admire He'll just say he'll say and it doesn't matter if it's one-on-one if it's in front of people

he'll Save when he doesn't know he'll say the dumbest thing he'll throw out ridiculous ideas But it's it's at I actually look I like it and and you have that too where you'll be like, I don't know what about this And sometimes we're like what are you talking about? But I I like that you guys aren't like so in your head about how you'll sound saying that right? No, I know and I think for years I was I was really trying to be the smartest guy in the room for so many years I mean, you know me and my books and I read philosophy and I'm the smartest and then um And then I got tired of trying to be the smartest guy in the room and I'm like I'm not the smartest guy in the room

and I may as well just um I'm 45 to you. I'm like halfway to dead. So I'm like, what do I I don't give a fuck what anybody cares the truth You're past halfway. That's right I don't care and I think too um Yeah being middle-aged and having two kids and Also what we went through a pandemic and like Life is really fucking fragile. It is and you're saying that you don't care and he just came out as fat recently Oh

That's the best thing I've ever heard. Yeah, he did he do it already? Well, I don't know if it's been announced But basically yeah, he's um, he's embracing Uh His body and what he wants to eat and drink. Oh good for him. Yeah, he's just gonna go for it Oh, he's been he's not going to go for it. He's been going for it He's gone for it. He's gone for it. He's gun gone. So he's not even gonna try to reign it in So, okay Nope. Cool. How does leon feel about I think she's definitely given up on that. Yeah, that is something where she's like

I am done. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. If you bring up if you bring up any of his like Impulses and things and she's like, yep. Yeah Yeah, we all we know how that works. Don't we like so like you can't like you can't alarm her and be like I think you should go see a doctor. She's like, yeah, yeah You want to set that appointment you want to do it or you want me like That's true. She's just giving up. Oh, well, it's like 20 years of that guy. Yeah, I'm gonna wear you down Well, I do love him. He's the best. I know Yeah, he's he is a sweet marshmallow core

I mean, I I do wish he'd listen to you more on your podcast though You've been listening sometimes Well, because I think you have interesting stuff to say sometimes and not according to him I sometimes wonder what that like what his POV is on what he and I do on that Do you know what I mean? Right. Like is he like, oh, that's that thing where I go and I just talk He actually gave me a compliment. He goes that tom talks podcast you have it's really cool I was like, I think so he goes. Yeah, like to hear you think and like talk about things I was like, you could do that you could listen. Yeah, he doesn't he does it. No

No, he does it not not as much. Do I listen to you a bit? Oh much more Yeah, like if you listen to this podcast and that podcast people think that there are like that I have a Completely different persona where it's really just one of them. Let's me talk sometimes Yeah, and then the other one sometimes. Yeah, because I I think I think Barton I both get excited About our stupid ideas and then like there's no stopping the train. Yeah, once I'm excited. I'm gonna talk about it And I like this look say yeah, you too It's so much easier this is freeing. It's like it's nighttime. It's not That is what it's like. Isn't it nighttime in your own face? Yeah

sunglasses indoors on a I don't know if I get like in a store or something It's such a wild thing to see like when you see somebody walking around. I know like you have shades on, huh? And you know, they're not blind Well, I've um bar or something. I do I do wear these inside airports And these are on the cusp of being too dark like they're they're are they can you see my eyes through these? Yeah, a little bit a little bit not No, not really not really. Yeah. Well, I want to buy those

Those like 70s kind where you can see through they just give a little bit of darkness What are they called the trans are they transitioners like a transition? Yeah. Yeah Don't they they go like they lighten up and then they yeah, you could get I think that's a prescription transition lenses Yeah, is that that requires a subscription? Those are zimzer lenses. Yeah Defending on your you know, what'll make you laugh by the way. Did you want to laugh? I like to laugh. I like to laugh Let's make some videos. Show me your boobs This is why laugh. Yeah, if this was the interview every NASCAR driver gave I would watch NASCAR. It kind of is. Oh, no shit. Well, I gotta get into it

I mean, they're just fucking rednecks. You know, I like that then I mean, it's funny because you think of how they get nice. Yeah, it's my favorite movie and like they make a joke about sponsors and shit and look how preposterous this man looks Eminem's Eminem Eminem Eminem Eminem Toyota Snickers Good year sports clips and they're they're buying the real estate on every Available inch of what he's wearing This guy's like a top tier driver. He is. Oh, yeah, dude. I love him. Yeah, Kyle Busch

Well, he's he's got a fan in me. Yeah Dude, see this is how I want people to talk all the time. I wish all the athletes did And he's like I should have kicked his ass. Yeah, he says that beats a shit out of him. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah God that movie is so fucking funny. I'm like in NASCAR, by the way, this doesn't even make Like this doesn't make the the news, you know, right? Like they don't go canceling Kyle Busch But if like if Patrick Mahomes is like in the NFL, if he was like a fucking retard Break my knee. I should beat the fucking shit. I like the NFL ESPN. They would be like, oh my god

I know why what is the disparity? Why can he get away with it because it's rednecks. Oh, they don't give a fuck about shit They're rednecks Like if they put this on ESPN, like guess what this NASCAR driver, all the NASCAR fans are like, whew See, that's why they're so fucked that dude up, man. Yeah, that's why there's safety in being a Burt Do you know what I mean? Like nobody's gonna hold him accountable for what he says or this guy because you're like, he's they're fucking crazy It's great. Yeah, there's power in being uh dumb. There is power. That's what I'm learning The dumber I am you just be like, well, she's a dumb blonde dumb broad. Yeah, I'm like, all right. I'm stupid Fuck do I know it's because I'm fucking stupid. I got I got I just got something. Oh my god

You just named your new special dumb broad. No, there's power in being dumb Or the power of dumb the power of dumb. Yeah, I'm writing that down right now. Yeah The power like the power of now. Yeah the power of dumb I like dare to be stupid dare to be stupid dumb fucking broad You dumb fucking broad. Yeah, then I'm gonna come back. What have you named it women are stupid? Oh my god, that would be the best How mad would Hannah Gatz be? It is such a you know your title

You know your title alone would get millions of more people. I know to click it millions I know and like women are stupid people like fuck. Yeah, they are or you know, no one would know what they're about to see They'd be so disappointed when I don't address that thought ever. What's this title about you like? I don't just want you to click it Yeah, yeah, that's so true women are fucking stupid women are fucking stupid man I just have to write one joke about women being dumb I mean barely barely. Yeah. No, you don't even have to It's it's the kind of thing where it's like the title Speaks like it is

You're like, I'm a woman therefore Watch this and you go. Oh, you're not Or yeah, you are you're like, yeah, either way. I serve you on this time. Do you think I could really Sell Netflix on that hundred percent. Yeah, because I'm like, I'm a woman what I say goes Stop mansplaining and I pull that car. Absolutely. Now you couldn't say it about another you couldn't be like native americans are stupid That could not be the title. No, you have to pick on your own. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, maybe like we don't like this title But if you were like women are stupid. Yeah God, I'm considering it now pretty heavily. Yeah, so many people. It's a good idea. Yeah

Smart thoughts. We're like screaming mind comp at my oh my god Well now patty can laugh at those kind of jokes, you know, I hear you um now I can't laugh at at those jokes anymore Oh, you keep sniffing. Yeah. Um, I'm doing cocaine as well as Well, I think it's an interesting time To bring up the video that I sent native. Oh, excuse me patty patty. Can you play the video I sent you? Yep And full volume, please this guy's the best, dude. Yeah, kyle Oh

That's you and oh, I was looking for him. That's you. That's betsy. You betsy You It's a joke It's betsy. There's you I think that was fun. That was the best thing I've ever heard. That was my dog and I so Sympatico that I snore. She snore. I snore. She snores. Yeah. Wow. Were you able to fall asleep? No No

Yeah, did you want to murder me? No, no This by the way, this wasn't the first time that's ever happened. Really? No It was just the first time where I was like, oh, I should record this It happens all the time. Oh That dog so many people don't know her Name, uh, we walked her around the neighborhood and some guy was like biffy. Oh my god. I'm like biffy. What do you hear? Oh biffy. Yeah, he said it like that. Oh like I get it Biffy. Oh, uh, yeah, so I went to the dentist that that one wanted me to get a mouth guard the one that

Wanted $1400 for one. Oh my god It's not a bad idea because I think I clench my jaw at night because my teeth are really ground down Yeah, like they're raw like I'm feeling like a meth addict Yeah Yeah That you sleep with something at night though. How do how hard is it to get used to not that hard and I Cannot sleep without it. I fucking forgot it on tour like a month or two ago and

I had it overnighted because no shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah Wow, I can't I cannot survive without that thing. Yeah speaking of killing your spouse. Yeah. Um, do you want to? Oh my god, you're gonna love this article. Yeah, this is fucking so rad So this morning actually we were laying in bed and tom was like kind of half half awake And we started talking and I'm like you got to see this article is Unbelievable. So this happened in india There was a man who was like 27 years old

And you know, they have that they arranged marriages there the girl had a learning disability And they set her up with this guy Uh, the family gave him money to take care of her. That was the thought right like she's she's got this learning disability He's gonna take care of her. Well Well, that's true. That's what it says in the article. I know but it's just like it's a crazy thing It's a cool guy. Hey, you want to marry this person? So there they are who's disabled, but we'll give you money. Yeah So he comes from a lower Cast like he doesn't have money. So it was a very enticing offer for him

So they get married and then and then slowly he starts asking for more and more from from her parents So the dowry, I don't know if you can find that in the article. It's pretty funny. Her dowry is ridiculous It was it Like a silly amount. Yeah, it's just like in india. It's like five. Here we go when the couple married he accepted a dowry of 720 grams of gold A Suzuki sedan and a 500 and 500,000 rupees about what is I can't read it 6700 in cash. Okay. So that's you know, yeah, okay So then he started asking for more like well, yeah, that's not that much money, bro

Suzuki sedan And 720 grams of gold is kind of cool too. So He starts asking for more the parents are like, fuck you. That's not the deal. You take care of our daughter So he proceeds To try to he gives her a glass of orange juice with a bunch of sedatives in it And he's like go to sleep She goes to sleep and he lets cobras loose in the bed Hoping that the cobras bite her and they are venomous you die from from the cobra bite if you don't get treated within minutes

Yeah, so that so here he is. So so she dies from a cobra bite The family is like no, no, no something's fishy here. Let's investigate. So this is him On youtube, he has a channel with like 270,000 followers where he handles venomous snakes So they made the connection that something's up here. This guy's accustomed to dealing with these snakes So he let the snake go and what they discovered is cobras don't really attack you past 8 p.m Like they're they go dormant at night And so what he had to do to get the cobras to kill her is you know, when you milk the snake you put their fangs up against the Yeah, like a cup. Yeah, so he puts it on her wrist

Forcibly far forces the cobra to bite her and that's how she dies and they they figured out that those cobra bites were forcible That's tight and isn't that amazing? I thought you would love that. He's a legend And uh now he's in He got arrested. He got arrested. He's in prison. They they yeah, they put him away But see here cobras generally don't bite unless they're highly provoked and after 8 p.m They're generally dormant and then they did a series of re reenactments with like a dummy. See so here's what this this woman's scenario was And here's a cobra and they're provoking the cobra and the from it won't do it But also that's a doll. It is a doll, but then they do another series of tests where they should have put like a small child there and see

They should have Those are expendable in india, right? They don't have no regard for you People die man. That's how they are. Jesus christ. So here they did other tests and stuff and basically they figured him out But but it got us to thinking It really got us to thinking because it was a it was a very clever murder, you know So here's the reenactment. Sorry. So here's a wrist with a piece of chicken on it Yeah, and they're trying to get the cobra to attack the chicken and the cobra's like nah

So this is too late. He's like, I'm resting now resting. I watch Netflix at night. I don't fucking kill at night Yeah, it's Netflix. Jesus. Yeah, he's got to watch the holiday with camera Diaz So there you go So the snake won't bite So here's the thing though. It got us to thinking what a clever man this is. I mean great way to kill He did a somewhat naughty thing, but it was very clever and And it got us to thinking about regional killing. Yes, which is you know, like because a co like a cobra death

In new york city would spawn like I mean that would a huge investigation immediately. It's very suspicious in india Somewhat common, right? Yeah, you there's people die from cober bites quite frequently. Yeah So it got us to thinking if you're somebody that wants to kill your spouse What you do is when you get to an area let's say it's a new area to you you start asking around. Hey How do people die around here? Hey, man What's a Kind of common way that people die around here

You know, that's right. And then they start telling you well, they're like, well, that's kind of a It's kind of a funny question But you know a lot of people die around here on boating accidents and you're like, you don't say yes And then a bunch of people meet you and they're like, did he ask you how people die around here? And you're like, yeah, he did like one of the first he asked two questions He says, where's there a gold good cold brew coffee and how do people die around here? And I told him there's a couple good coffee spots And people drown a lot a lot of like Travis. Yeah, and he was like, I'm all right

Because because you just like to know these things Because if you drown so so lake deaths are very common here Yeah, so that's probably how you would kill me and then the police would be like, yeah He was asking you were asking people around town. What's the best way to die? And it was like three months to the day where she drowned, you know, yeah The jet ski mysteriously sunk the jet ski. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah. So so that's how you would do me in Is the drowning on lake travis. Maybe you get me intoxicated and then be like, I don't know. She just fell off the boat Yeah, she was dancing naked

That's what they do because all those partiers that's what happened they they get ripped in the summertime I think I'd get you ripped and then they dance around and then they drown And then what I would do is I would be like, no, hold on to this rope on the back of the boat. I'm gonna pull you You know and then uh Since you're all loosey-goosey, I I cut your uh life vest. Yeah You go so there's holes in it. You cut you cut the cushions out, you know And then I'm just pulling you on you're like, this is fine. I'm having fun, but you're kind of drunk I'm going like 12 miles an hour and then when I see you kind of like dip your head back

I just go fucking 70 And I'm like And then what I do is I'm like, no the thing is I don't I lost I don't know where she fell off That's good acting by the way It's really good acting. I kept I think it was over by that lighthouse or you know, I point somewhere and meanwhile I know that you're not there. That's really good. Well, I was thinking, um Like freezing to death. I'll do the I'll do the Kyle written house. I go

Uh Geez Geez Didn't they catch him like laughing later Did they catch him laughing in the car written house? Yeah, there's pictures of him being like I remember him on the uh witness stand where he was like Yeah, cry baby, but there was no tears Yeah

That's good Tom, um, I would get you to freeze to death. I think that's a pretty that's a good one good regional Death like hey, let's go to Alaska Yes, and see the aurora borealis will camp out here. Oh my god. That is such a good way to kill somebody It's the easiest now you have to know that terrain. That's the only thing is you got to know it a little bit But I think it's a solid way to kill someone And and there's like a really plausible deniability. Yeah to getting somebody to a campsite in the cold Way up high, right? And then what you do is you just go like I'm gonna

I think I'm gonna I'm gonna go this way you wait here, you know and you take water or food with you And then You know you just hike but then you you got to leave the person In some really cold. You got to do it in like really cold temperatures. You know, yeah Hopefully they can go quickly snow But then they'll they'll get eaten by animals inside. Well, they'll they'll get eaten later, you know, oh, right? And that's that's a that's a great way to get rid of the evidence. Yeah, that's the best and then you go to the you're like

I don't know where I just I'm so cold. Can we sit at a search party? Yeah Well, like that brian laundry, you know, he went out into the swamps basically well, that was after he killed him That's right. Yeah. Yeah, but you can't live out there No, and he's not ever glades. No, he's not a survivalist. He he had some experience But you know these survivalist guys, I think even they were interviewing some of them and they're like you found his job Yo, so do you think he got eaten? I don't know. I mean he got eaten for sure. I just don't know how he died first

Right. I don't I don't know if he was Eating and that was his death manner of death. You know, it's a bad way to do he strangled her He's right strangulation which by the way bad way if you don't want to but it's not complicated If you're looking for an uncomplicated way to kill someone strangle them It's pretty straightforward, but the rage You must feel so rageful

to Strangle you have to feel rage And also I mean, it's a really good way to kill somebody smaller and weaker than you. Yeah, I couldn't Strangle anybody. No, you could dog. You could definitely strangle the dog. Yeah And and a small person a smaller person. Yeah, brad williams. Yeah, I could strangle Oh, he might be stronger than me actually brad williams for sure. Yes He's shorter, but he's stout. Yeah. No, he's strong. He's sturdy. Yeah. Um, but yeah, you know

Whatever a fifth grader you could strangle him. Oh, yeah, I could strangle a fifth grader Yeah, definitely like a three-year-old. Yeah six-year-old. Sure. Sure, but you know what sucks, man I'll tell you what fucking sucks so much. What about strangling someone to death? These forensic people are so on point now that they know it immediately the ligature marks Like they'll they'll just they can they just perform an autopsy and you're just fucking busted. It sucks Yeah, you can't do it anymore. You can't no because they they they knew with gabby's body that she was Strangler. Yeah, I found it right away They that's it is so hard to commit a crime now

Yeah, that's why snow is the best freezing to death Freeze like leading someone out there to you know, I mean where you're not there's no physical evidence you did anything You got to be clever about it. Well, here's the problem is how do you get familiar with the terrain? That's what I'm saying That's the challenge. That's the challenge if you could somehow not you know what too is like Don't fucking take your cell phone To the place like you got to leave your cell phone at home Yeah, but here's the other thing take a burner you need a pattern of leaving your cell phone at home If you leave your cell phone at home just when you go to commit murder, they'll be like you never leave your cell phone at home

Interesting. You gotta think ahead like that. Oh, wow. You really are thinking this Jesus christ Fuck so that's not used as an alibi anymore like oh, I left my phone at home I've watched all these shows if you did that one time that is a an absolute like red flag Wow. Yeah, so you have to establish a pattern, of course Like where they could be like, you know what this person leaves their phone behind all the time Then it's not you know something that that would alarm them Yeah

It's tough man. It's tough to murder these days. Like it's not it is tough. It's a bummer. It's tough out there for a killer. Yeah Well, that's why regional killing is really the way to go. How do people die right here? You gotta ask every time every time I go on vacation I ask as soon as I get to the hotel How do people die around here or even hunting accidents? I mean, isn't that the easiest one to get out of not really? I mean, there was that vietnamese guy. I think it was in wisconsin A few years back he set up at a post. He was in a tree stand. I just started killing people And he was like, I thought they were deer Well, that's a lot of people maybe just like you and I are out

You know, it really sucked though, huh? Let's say you were doing the The uh, that lead me into the the terrain. Yeah, so let's say it was you And you're like, I'm gonna leave him out here and then he's gonna freeze to death and then as We're headed out there like we're getting into like the really isolated cold terrain You slip and fall like you did on the stairs. Oh my god, and you break your fucking Leg, yeah But you were leading me to that. Oh

You know what I mean? You're the perpetrator. I'll be snow boy. That'll be bad And then I get to turn around and go like You didn't think I know what you were gonna do. Oh, no Oh, no Good luck with the ankle and I just put my shades on You leave me there to die with my broken ankle There's no fucking better excuse. That's true Well, I was gonna be like, I don't know what to do. I was like, I was or you know, you could do you get back and be like

We need somebody. Oh my god. I'm so worried and then you go there and they're like, oh, she died. You're like, oh, that's too bad I tried geez Wow, that's really cool. Thanks for sharing God Well, what? No, no, I mean now your mother's fear of You know, your your mother would always be like your father is going to dump me off in the

The orange groves. He was driving me down the street. It was abandoned And I thought he was going to kill me But that's because she watches the shows with him and she's out of her mind She watches these crime shows. They're the same ones that I watch You know date line and all those things and He took her down a a street That was like near some uh, what was it called? What are they called groves like the orange groves in florida And she was like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm going home. She's like, you never go this way

He's like, well, it's just the way home. She goes, stop the car turn around now She's like, you're going to kill me. He's like, I'm not gonna kill you Just please and she starts begging for her life But those I mean florida, yeah, you could a body could decompose so fast, right? Out there on those orange groves and those swamps. Oh, yeah, just gators or whatever Well, the animals get to you. I think the decomp is takes its Whatever time is probably definitely faster and hotter weather for sure. Oh, yeah, um, but it's the animals, you know, let's get to you

It's really great to To off somebody in Hot weather hot weather. Yeah, we were thinking not cold weather cold weather preserves fucking everything Oh, yeah, well, I was leaning towards freezing to death. Well, yeah, but if saying if you commit a homicide Like the cold preserve like if you poison somebody, I would never if you strike like it preserves the body Yeah, you know, see this cobra guy's mistake Is that like he let the cobras in and he he gave Her a sedative before he let the cobras in. Yeah, he wasn't stupid stupid

Yeah, so like you guys should have gone on like a hike in india Wherever the cobras are and be like just push her into like a cobra nest Or something. I don't know. Yeah I mean it's quite sick. She had a learning disability. No, you couldn't a fucking Right he could have led that duck to water a little easier. Yeah Yeah, I could have been yeah, I was shooting fish in a barrel is what you're saying Well, yeah, and he didn't he must have been not that bright either. He could have just been like put this fork in the outlet Yeah

God that's so true. Wait a minute. You just That's so true. Why was he going through this elaborate? I don't know. She was like, what? He's like, that's how we turn the lights on Okay Oh Oh my god, exactly. I'm be like, I don't know. I don't know putter. She just did it. Yeah. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Yeah, that's the way to do it. Yeah, you're supposed to open the oven to heat up the apartment Turn the gas up See you later. Yeah

Yeah That kind of stuff. Yeah, he went he went too crazy on that He overthought it. He overshot it Man, yeah, there's easier ways to kill this episode of your mom's house is also brought to you by therogun I just have to say that there are some products that you fall in love with And therogun is one of them do not let the stress of daily life way on your body Whether you're an elite athlete or someone like me just trying to make it through the day tension-free

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From from from their phones too, you know, you have all these great pictures in your phone And you never get to see them but with skylight frames. It just is so fantastic Um, I gave one to my cousin and she actually cried tears of joy You know because we don't get to see each other as much now that we live in texas So here's the offer as a special offer you can get $10 off your purchase of a skylight frame when you go to skylightframe.com and enter code house That's right to get $10 off your purchase of a skylight frame Just go skylightframe.com and enter house. That's skylightframe.com promo code house Who else could we kill?

Well, you want to kill people with no like people who look for them, right? So people with minimal ties to other humans, right? How would you kill patio callahan? Well, he's got friends and stuff Yeah, I'd poison his chicken wings. Maybe oh that poison's so detectable. Yeah, it's pretty rough Oh accidental overdose Something maybe like Like on his pot put something on there. Oh, that's still Well, how would you kill him? Hmm

I know You know how like he and any road those dumb scooters around? Yeah, like loosen something on the scooter Yeah, but that's just gonna be like a probably orthopedic injury. Hmm. You know, you got to think Game over right way, right? Yeah Hmm I Probably probably uh, I would probably lure him into a poker game. Oh, you know. Oh, what are the stakes? Yeah, go see go dummy

You got to know your your prey. You got to know what you're going after. That's true Get somebody in a chat room to be like, yeah, there's you know, I'll I'll go ahead and front you these 10 grand I come over to this house like that kind of get them to go somewhere you know and then At the house Yeah, just the blood of christ He just walks in and he lights on fire

No, here's a silly question If I had legal consent To kill you like let's say you and I go to a lawyer. No It doesn't work that way doesn't work that way Really? No, I mean there's like there's a there's assisted and that's like, you know, if someone's usually sick and There's but it's not here in texas and that uh Yeah

But it's not here Position assisted suicide is legal in 10 us states and district of columbia. It is an option just to be clear Just to be clear. I'm in good health and do not want this to happen I would like to say that now. I'm not looking to die I'm not looking to die either. Well, I just want to put it out there because it was your suggestion No, no, I'm just saying like like on the live show we had discussed that guy in germany who wanted somebody to eat his penis Yeah, and he had a contract Yeah, he wanted he wanted that to happen. So in germany, apparently that's hunky dory the germans. They're out of their minds

Yeah, but if I say to you tom, I really want you to consume my tits and then my legs and then I want you to kill me And we can't go to a lawyer and get that like notarized or I don't know I don't know Notarized I don't know. I have a notary come over and yet. Oh, yeah, you want him to eat your tits and kill you? Yeah, that's fine I don't think so Well, okay, okay, I just thought I'd try I know I'm trying to think of who else we could kill on staff Chris Larson would be the easiest you think so. Yeah. Yeah, he's the sweetest He's a little more naive

You could lure him into some time. Well, he'd be he's easy to lure. Yeah, I'm talking about the actual manner of death, you know Oh, and Chris doesn't fall for tricks. They said really? Yeah Well, what do you think that I don't know? I just think he's crafty. I think the second you start kind of Pitching him on stuff that you normally don't pitch him on. He you know his eyes get a little squinty. He's like what why would I Why would I want to go on this cruise for six months? Cruise is a great way to murder somebody. It happens a lot, you know I just gotta say he went in that stripper room. That's pretty easy. Yeah, it sounds like maybe pussy's the trick Get a woman

Put some poison in her pussy and then Jesus he flexor and dies Can you do that? I'm sure you could I don't think you can there's gotta be something. Oh the old poison in the pussy trick I don't think so. Oh, you're really cool. Yeah, you could lure him a woman would lure him in the honeypot Isn't that what they call that in the cia? The honeypot the women make great spies and and right covert agents and that's it because you never know Sex, that's right. Men are just like dumb dumps. Yeah. Yeah They they they absolutely In that in that spot. I mean, there's must be dirt on so many people high level shit

We never would ever find out about where they lured a powerful person into sex and You know captured her on camera or are able to hold that over them as black. Oh my gosh Well, I was watching the eyes of tammy fey that movie which is fantastic Jessica Chastain plays tammy fey baker. Do you remember the tammy fey jim baker scandal those days? Yeah. Yeah So I grew up when this came out. So I was I was a child when she was very popular. So tammy fey and jim baker were to One of the first televangelists and they made millions and millions of dollars and they even could afford a satellite Which allowed them to broadcast their religious programming 24 7 Over the world

And eventually of course jim baker got they got into trouble because he was funneling funds into things that didn't exist And yeah taking money out of the church, which is looking crazy. She looks in that picture right there. Yes Fucking a but why would I why was I bringing that up? What were we talking about right before? Uh killing chris larson and pussy is a trick pussy. So so right so jessica hawn So he did get set up baker he did by jessica hawn who was very famous red-haired Uh lady who had sex with him And then was blackmailing him and then she came out with a story anyway So she got the money and then she still fucking ratted him out stupid bitch, right blackmail is uh, it never works

Right like no, it does work. But I'm saying like it's uh Yeah, it's a horrible position. I think for someone like that to be in there like someone's holding that over you, you know Like this is it's one of that's one of the old spy tricks, you know, yeah So she she set him up so terrible Yeah, he fucking bitch mess you something. Sure. How would you kill any? Oh, that's easy Hey, any there's a huge party Happening and there's like hot hot chicks and fun stuff

and then like Yeah, you just take him into a back room and then some guy just fucking clubs him now We should we should do it at my house. We should do it at my house Yeah, I'm paranoid of everything bro. You can never kill me. You can't prank me. You can't kill me I do believe that he has a high paranoia threshold. Yeah Yeah, I see a shit a mile away a woman then it's a woman. It's gotta be somehow. Yeah, he'd be the best bitches either Yeah, he didn't trust her Doesn't trust him, but

Yeah, god, I'd be the easiest to kill you're like christina look over there and you can just chop my fucking head Oh, I don't think it would be hard to kill you. No, yeah, you would be How would I kill you? I mean there's I mean look anybody can get killed You could definitely kill me But i'm not gonna tell you oh Driving accident I cut the brakes cut the like you even know what that means. I don't know what that means There's a youtube video I could figure it out You don't think I would know that my brake lines were cut as I was pulling out of the driveway like oh

Wow, these brakes don't work I'd figure out a way to do it like you know when you go in racetrack driving And I get the brakes there somehow. Yeah, but we wear helmets and shit there. That's actually one of the safer places Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah okay Helmets, huh helmets and suits like these guys. Yeah, it says m&m's all over it Do you when you go from brimming? Do you yeah, do you wear like a suit with all the cool minds most mostly skittles, but yeah

Skittles, that's adorable. Hey, we got to get to this. Okay. Oh Well, you know I this is a why a major exclusive huge news That we heard on the live show my suspension. I've been suspended from tiktok will be up tomorrow And I'm fucking pissed dude. I love that platform. I bleed for that. I can you sure die for it So I've been stockpiling videos rest assured when you go to at the waterchamp After the 23rd, there's gonna be a lot of fresh new content Uh-huh, okay. Yeah, dog. They can't they can't call me back. They've been trying to censor me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah Yeah

Hey, are you hungry? Say yeah I don't like this. I don't like that one either. I wouldn't have opened with that for you. That was just to make you upset Guess what that worked direction achieve What is happening Oh Just and I I've duetted this one you can see this one Of starting tomorrow too on my account

Yeah Can I tell you something? Yeah I kind of like that You like this one? Yeah, I felt like he was degrading somebody. Yeah himself his own image. Oh, it was kind of cool I feel like he's really going through something He is going through something it was uh It was fun

You know different Okay, I've never seen that before on the talk. It's definitely different. It's definitely different. Yeah Those are lungs That's cool. Very cool. Yeah, I know you like those educational ones. I like that a lot. Yeah Oh This one's pretty great. So this is like a bunch of dorky Tourists on bikes. Yeah, and these people are like, please just get out of here. Go go away We don't want you. I don't want your stupid dumb helmets on your bicycles like go away get out of here get out of here

Scram. This is not for your tourism. This is our home and I like that. Yeah Yeah, this is like primal level uh gentrification. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is an african village probably, right? Yeah, i'm assuming so and uh, they're like, yeah, stop fucking riding your bike through here. Yeah, this isn't for you, dude So here's the deal I got your six That ain't a question Have you got mine? If so

Like and follow That was fucking are you liking are you following I like that Well, I've never heard That phrase from these cool guys usually these you know, they go around This wasn't original. I've never heard that one. I've got I've got your sex. Yeah, it's got strong vibes I got your sex eating television on Do you have mine?

That was I'm gonna replay that So here's the deal here's the deal I got your six. Take care. Yeah, that ain't a question No question. Have you got mine? If so Like and follow Cleaning his teeth out Like a fall

Show me what you got Because there ain't no question about me Sweet man, he's always hard This woman slept with 900 and 19 men in one day in 2004 at lisa sparks who's been married since 1995 Set a record that has not been beat at the annual world championships in poland She competed against two other women one of whom was a former world record holder with 759 men in a day Though not technically even a full day it occurred in just 12 hours Meaning she was with each man for about 45 seconds

It's a lot of dicks that's so so many dicks. Yeah 45 seconds. I mean does part of you though want to experience that? What Babe, what babe nine how many 900 bull blue blue. Okay, just like pare it down. What about 19? 45 seconds with 19. I don't want to answer this. I don't like this sounds like I just touched a nerve Like I don't even want to I can't even fathom it. Yeah, I know it's pretty cool, right? And did she did she do this for the entertainment industry or just for fun? She did it to be a world champion Okay Because she's a winner. Yeah, she's the record holder. It still hasn't been topped

She said there was a woman that did 700 something. Yeah, guess what that's called second place This is wild that's gotta be a shitty feeling second What'd you do? I fucked 700 guys today. That's it Silver metal, you know silver 700. Yeah Yeah, so many noise. Oh shit. I'm surrounded Out how does it work? What's going on? What's going on? What's happening? I'm always getting just to all these other universes. What the hell am I this time?

I guess I can't be a getaway cow. I'm gonna hold Oh, no, cows can't fly It's okay, buddy. I'll save you All right Appreciate the help. I'm glad we laid this safely It's so much. It's so long This guy has a Kind of a cobra could kill him vibes. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? Yeah How fucking long is this thing? It is pretty creative for as far as talks go This is one of the most creative ones I've ever seen. It must have taken him hours to do this All the different backgrounds and stuff. Yeah, it's pretty good So this is my grandma's candle. It's 40 years old 40 years ago she put a candle on top of a beer can and it's been growing ever since Is that cool or gross?

It's a good question It's it it really is a little bit of both, isn't it? Right? It is like I can't decide if I'm like that's awesome I think it would make me feel better if they cleaned up around the base there on the table Like it might have a little higher cool factor and less of a gross factor because that's ruining your table too Yeah, it's not being very respectful of your furniture And she started with coke cans and she said like there's cans in the middle of that and then 40 years 40 years to keep adding to a candle I mean, I like the woman's dedication. That's real dedication. That is art. It's kind of cool. Yeah

And gross Anybody out there, please tell me what this is I can tell you what it is What is it, babe? This is so just so you guys know This is the talk that got me suspended Because I do edit it. I answered him and I got caught for bullying which like you stitched it Sorry, that's right. I stitched it. It wasn't even fucking bullying

I mean, bitch. I want to find out who reported me. I'll show you what fucking bullying. I believe the your talk you said he said Can anybody tell me what this is? You go like what isn't it everything part? Yeah, it's all part. It's all fucked up That's all I said. Yeah. Yeah, all of it, dude I mean, look it there's so much that's fucked up which part The whole leg is is bad and then the feetsies and then the sores. No, it's he's not doing well That's up in the air can confirm

Wow, you like it. Yeah, it was great. It's edema. It's severe swelling. It's what I'm gonna go for All right, let's um Jesus Poof I really like to take something down. No, why? Because it's so fucking how do you get like that? That's so sad Here's something to cleanse the palate Wow, you want to know something that looks just like my cousin Steve You see it yes

I can Wow, is he crying? He's struggling I think he's strained a lot to do that But tears he's weeping. Yeah, I think he's sweating too. It's kind of mixed together Now I know everybody's awesome angle. It's great. Everyone who listens to this program is gonna be like Is that real? Was that yeah, it sounded real Was the audio layered? How'd you get this one? Was this sent in? Yeah

Yeah, this one was emailed to us. Was it uh, is it the user that sent it in like is it the I'm not sure I think this was uh sent in like just as an attachment with nothing really else written He looks like he's weeping and sweating. Yeah, he's having a half time and he's strained so hard. So hard. God. It's really cool That is really cool Oh my god, he's crying tears of joy. Yeah, I did that. Do you think this guy gets laid? That's a thing You know, whenever we play these with dr. Drew and Drew's always so He always points out like, you know, the male drive to get laid is so it's so prevalent

Yeah, and like this goes against that theory like Like, you know girls are gonna see this, right? Yeah. I mean Yeah, they are A special lady I'd like it You would why don't you make fart vids? I don't really want to do that Yeah

I don't want to do that. I know But I really it looks like my cousin steve Does I know like if you put that up for a second and I'd be like you have a video of my cousin steve It does look like your cousin steve. Isn't that weird how that we do have doppelgangers though in the world? Yeah Well, I get so many That are not and then Pete, you know, the worst is I found your doppelganger. It's just some guy and it's not Yeah, one time I did see a woman in public that looked just like me Uh, I didn't say anything to her about you did

Yeah, could actually probably could be my biological sister. Well, I think about it with my dad Could be Yeah, I made sure to said something Okay, do you know Who your dad is I know I get so afraid to check 23 and me when they send me those updates. Oh my god Or if they're like you have 26 siblings, you're like what I could

You're not gonna check that Um, no, because like no, I'm actually I am legitimately nervous that I will find a sibling in like Cambodia or the philipines But that would bother you Um, I mean probably be good to know. I guess. Yeah, what should I talk to them? Like let's say I Did have one what like if you'd had one would you want to know? Yeah sibling? Sure I guess it's different than saying like these are kids. You didn't know about you know Yeah, but having a sibling. I mean, why not? It would be kind of cool Be a cool thing to do for Christmas this year

We get sent out a bunch of Christmas cards. Hey, bro. You're my bro. You're my bro. Yeah. Yeah. Nice to meet you Yeah, that would be kind of cool. It would be cool What if that's your bro? I do I'd love that guy. He could be my bro. Yeah He's a cool guy Such a cool expression See it again That's the grossest fart face. I hate that fart face and when he's missing teeth too I don't know why I'm surprised like the real grunt face. Yeah, I don't like the grunt struggle fart. Yeah. Yeah

That's fucking awesome He's a great guy Yeah, it is a good t-shirt, isn't it? Yeah, just that expression Uh All right, we should run. Um, this closing song is pillow talk by matt christopher Uh, don't forget why I made studios dot com slash rentals if you want to check out the last live show and uh We are on tour. I added if you didn't hear last week. I added

A show in chicago, illinois Um april 16th. It's my birthday and i'm doing credit union one arena. Wow on my birthday That's amazing gene. So that's april 16th. It's on sale right now at tom skewer dot com slash tour and let's see Jean jacket, uh, you will be scroll scroll There san antonio december 10th 9th 10th and 11th You'll be in horland, oh florida december 16th 17th and 18th

And you will be shooting touch my camera through the fence On january 22nd Theatre in new york, it's sold out and so is your warm-up show on the 21st. Congratulations Thanks, or the power of dumb or broads or broads are stupid women are stupid women are stupid women are stupid is a Fucking banger of a title I swear so many men would watch that just be like i can't find i can't wait. Yeah That a woman named i would like to i would even get you get all the critics be like that was so meta I believe that you know you you win everybody over

Dumb broad dumb fucking broad dumb broad. What if i called it that i could get i could get away with dumb broad You can get away with any of those titles. Yeah any title that you're shitting on a woman. Yeah from a woman is fine I know man. I really got to capitalize on this. Yeah women are fucking stupid Yeah, all right. All right. I love you. All right. Love you. Bye guys. Bye genes Fuck me man Fuck me man Oh I also love that he's spreading his cheeks apart

I turn it to a telescope when I see your face I Dicks Yeah I got it