Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 638 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 12, 2022

Welcome back to the Mommydome with Tom Segura and Christina P! We open with trying to figure out how and why people need to itch so much and some possible DIY remedies. Tom shares how he's donating clothes to poor people, Christina brings up a revelation about a dog shows, and we take a look at a scrum play therapist. The main mommies talk about rowdy crowds, working out, music in Ubers rides, and we go deep into heavy metal screaming. Christina is noticing more diversity at her standup shows, we talk about rights, and philosophers and their life styles. We see videos of a cool guy from the UK harassing a female officer AND an old school FedSmoker interaction. What an episode!

Do you know when I do shows, people still scream, I got a scrum, look, I'm scrum. Like, all right, guys, guys, come on. That you should do. I wish, yeah, people don't care about real issues as much as they do about me licking your scrum. You should do that. Yeah? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. You're still into this. Yes. This episode of Your Moms House is brought to you by Satva. Go to satva, S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit, and you get $200 off any mattress of your choice. Why did we come up with that URL? Because when I was talking to some of the people

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and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. What it do, dog? What it do, do, do, do, do, do. Do you see what I have? What do you have? This is given to me by Patio Callahan. Yeah. This was the Christmas gift, and I'm so,

I'm so honored to be drinking. Didn't he initially give it to you and you threw it and broke it on the ground? I did, I was like, you know why? Cause it was a Harry and Meghan Markle cup. And at first I was like, F Meghan, she's against the monarchy. Yeah.

These two, and then I thought about it, and then I glued this back together again, cause I thought, you know what, that's just her POV. A lot of people are against the monarchy. I'm not, I'm a monarchist. She made the outrageous claim that some people in the British monarchy are racist. And I have a hard time believing.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Same Z's. That anybody in the British royal family that's in their 80s or 90s is racist. Ha ha ha ha. I just don't buy it. Well, especially, you know, those people that own other countries, colonies or whatever,

they have commonwealths, people of color. There's no way they could feel superior to those people of color that they rule over. No way. I just don't buy it. No way that they force their language on and their culture on. Yeah.

My same's. Not possible. Before we go too much further, there's a very exciting month because this month, you are recording, touch my camera through the fence for Netflix in New York on January 22nd. And before you do that, you are going to be running that set one last weekend in Brea at the Brea Improv

January 14th and 15th. January 14th and 15th. I wanna laugh. And if you wanna laugh, you should go too. And show me your boobs. And show, yeah, absolutely. And also, right after you shoot the special, you'll be here in Austin, Tejas,

February 2nd and 16th. Now, right now, right now, right now, right now. And then, February 25th through 26th, you'll be in Miami at the Improv there. Do you think I'm fucking retarded? And you can see Christine there. And then March 4th and 5th in Tampa. And you should definitely, yeah.

You guys have a good rest of your day, bro. So get tickets at Christina P online. There's other shows coming up in May. So definitely, you can get tickets at Christina P online. I will be... Sorry, I'm sorry. May I just plug one more? Sure.

I'm going back to LA. I'm doing the Netflix as a joke. I'm doing the Regent Theater. I can't see the date because it's May 3rd. Okay, guys, buy tickets in LA. That's gonna sell out super, super fast. The Borgata in Atlantic City and then the Wilbur in Boston.

Get your tickets now. Great. Thank you. I love you. Great venue. Solid oldies. Yeah. And yeah, if you want to see me on tour,

I'm at TomSquare.com slash tour. And there's a whole bunch of dates. I'm doing a big Texas run this month. So if you want to come see me, I think there's tickets available to the late show in Grand Prairie, which is just outside of Dallas. Yeah, there's a lot of shows. So get your tickets.

I'll see you out there. I'm very excited. It's amazing. But it is a lot. F-U-C-K. Yeah. F-U-C-K. A lot of shows.

F-All the haters. F-All the haters. F-The Haters. And yeah, there's a lot to get into. You want to just... Just want to fucking do it and shit. You want to open the show? Yeah, dog.

Let's get into it. Well, I just ruined my sister's graduation party, which sucks because I didn't even mean to. I was going to the bathroom and all of a sudden someone walks in on me and I was like, excuse you. Turns out it's one of her English teachers. Okay.

I didn't know your English teacher was going to the party. It sounds like he's trying to fuck you. Whatever. Not even bringing it up. He walks in on me. Okay. I happen to be itching my vagina really hard. Okay.

And yeah, I do. I wish that he walked in while I was peeing instead. Of course. It was horrifying for him to walk in mid-itch. This shit is big time. Who is Rand? Yeah. Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Don't burn me in the fucking stand. You're a bad person. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Grace. Myze.

Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How do I move this club? Yeah. I mean, I'm ruining it, I've got it.

It's so tart. Tart. It's just a little tarted. No, it's just... We can make the adjustment. You want to make the adjustment? Yeah. Okay, can somebody help?

Then I'll sit lower and I'll look that stupid all day long. Sit however you want to sit. All right, thank you, Annie. We did an adjustment. Feel better? I do, even though I'm drinking from the cup of traders. This didn't immediately make you think of a family member of mine? Maria?

No. Not an immediate member, an extended family member. You don't have to say their name. Jesus. Sorry. All I'm saying is like, do you... You're like saying the names. It's just meant to be like, oh yeah, yeah, I know who.

Well, it could be so many of the Segura women because... There's a lot. They all... Well, they also don't have much shame about this kind of stuff. It could have been me, actually, to have been like, oh my God. It could have been... I should have just scratched my vagina. Well, there's more to the story.

Oh. Yeah. I go out and I try to act like it didn't happen. I ignore it, okay? Man, we're all talking in a group. Professor, whatever his butt, decides to drink a good amount at my sister's graduation party. He's drinking, putting them down. Suddenly, we're in a group and he's like, hey, why are you itching so aggressively in there?

Drop it. Please drop it. Why are you itching? Finally, I snap. I'm always itching in there. From 28 years, it's been itchy down there. I don't know why, I don't know when, then my sister starts sobbing. You always make it by your itchy fucking cooch.

Yeah. Yeah, it keeps going. There's more? Like this is a lifelong family problem? Well, yeah. This is real problem. Bananas, I have no idea. That's not true, Isabel.

I didn't even get a grand party because mom and dad weren't doing mom their marriage. And I don't know why I'm always itchy down there. You guys wanted to be itchy when I was losing my virginity. You guys wanted to be itchy on every roller coaster I've ever been on. Everyone's hands up. I'm sneaking in there to get an itch while I'm on the ride of my life. You wish. It got real sad.

Yeah, that took a totally different turn. Yeah, it was like a real funny, this is a joke at first, and then she got real sad. But doesn't this, I know this might sound silly. Do you think she's tried all the things to try? I mean, I don't hear her saying, I've been going to the doctor for 28 years. I've been trying this medicine and this medicine and this. She needs to go to the doctor because if it's her actual vag that's itchy inside, she could just be having recurrent yeast infections. She could have a myriad of different STDs.

Yeah. STIs is now what they call them. She could have, maybe she's shaving her pubes off too much or something and they're growing in itchy. I don't know. I think it's 28 years, she's probably not, it's not probably from trimming, you know. Yeah, you mean she didn't trim her pussy hairs when she was in third grade? My pussy keeps it itching. I keep stabbing it with a fork.

Stabbing it with a fork, she just needs to go to the doctor. Fuck. Vaginal itching might develop due to stress. Could be. Could be that she's not washing with soap. You know, we've had this hot debate on where my mom's at about body wash versus traditional soaps. And I don't really like washing my couch with body wash. I feel it is an inferior product to just good old fashioned bar of soap.

It doesn't do the same job. Any, are you still into the, what are you using right now? I know you were strictly into. I use body wash, which is like in between the body, the shower gel and the body soap. But yeah, it's just a nice in between it like smells good, but it's not, you know, it actually cleans. So that's what I use. Do you have an itchy pussy? Me?

I sure do not have an itchy pussy, so I would highly recommend body soap. An itchy pussy? I'm sorry. I mean, when my couch has been itchy, it's usually like, oh, I just worked out. And. Makes sense. You should probably wash it because that's germs. We get it too.

Like in our balls, you know, we get itchy balls. This conversation is so smart. Do you think Mensa will approach us to join after this episode? If they're above it, I don't think they belong in Mensa. I mean, it's not like itchy balls and coochies are not something that most of the public has to deal with. This is a real issue. Play-Doh had itchy nuts and assholes too. Man, there's just days where your nuts just itch.

Yeah. And why is that though? The thing is. The heat. I mean, it's not just the heat. Sometimes it's, sometimes, you know, it could be that you trimmed something that's grown back. Yeah. Sometimes it is like, you know, a sweaty day or you exercise.

Sometimes it's a fucking mystery. And you just don't know. You know? You just get like, and you, because the thing is about your ball, like sometimes it's like the crease, but sometimes it's your actual scrotum and you have to pinch it and roll it. Well, it's so hard. Yeah. It's like an itch you can't scratch.

It's like an itch you can't scratch. You can't really rake those nuts. No, you can't. Yeah. See with the veg, if it's inside, that's a yeasty. You've got an infection in there that probably needs, that's what I'm assuming. It's a yeast infection. You could have recurrent ones.

Yeah. And that you can't even really itch. Jock itch. Because it's inside of you. It's a real thing. Jock itch is like usually in the crease. Where your nut hits your leg. Yeah.

Like in that crease. That's where that happens? Yeah. You learn something new. I did not know that. Oh my God. You'll scratch and scratch. You can see like you'll irritate it.

I feel like it happened more for me like in middle school or something. Probably. Yeah. So how do you prevent that? You just got to wash soap and water. I think wash and then dry. I think that's the thing is moisture. Dry.

You know? You got to dry yourself. Yeah. Because men have that issue more so than we do. That's like, I could be a real hot area. You know? The moisture collects there. Oh yeah.

There you go. Moisture. Is that what you use? Yeah. You put powder on there to prevent jock itch? Me? Yeah. No.

I'm not active enough to get jock itch. What about like just a balmy summer? A Texas summer. Won't give it to you? I mean like back when I was growing up my brother taught me a trick where it's if anything's itchy down there just pour after shave on there. And it stings a lot at first. Holy shit.

Yeah. It's rough. That's the trick. That's alcohol right? Yeah. It kills it. What do I do with this? He's like just pour after shave on it and I would and it would move you to tears for the

first couple minutes but then it's all gone. All gone. Mm-hmm. Dude, that's actually sound advice. When you do actually have the jock itch though, there's that spray and you put that spray on there and it's like a burn but then cold sensation. Yeah. I bet it's alcohol right?

I don't know. Like it must be some kind of disinfectant for your junks. Yeah. Yeah. There is nothing worse than crotch itch. Yeah. I feel for her. So do I.

Because if you have, everybody knows what it's like to have an itch but for her it sounds like it's... It's serious. Well and it also just doesn't go away. Maybe it's in the hair, it could be she, I don't know. I've heard that crabs and like scabies, it's unbearable, that itch. Yeah. But I see that's the thing is I don't think that's what she has.

Oh, I don't think she has scabies or crabs but I'm just saying apropos our discussion of her itchy vagina. I've also heard that it is unbearable scabies and crabs. It's like the worst itch on your crotch that you can even imagine. A real itchy crotch has got to be just... Yeah. I had a friend who got an itch from a sweat lodge, like a shamanistic whatever ritualistic weekend.

Yeah. And this happened to him in the 70s and he got crabs from like sitting naked in a sweat lodge with other dudes. Yeah, that's the story he tells. Yeah. That's not how he got that. I'll tell you that. I know.

I know. There's all types of people that tell those stories. They go, yeah, I got it from a toilet seat and you're like, okay. I hear you can't really get STIs from a toilet seat. I would think it's probably not likely. I don't know. I don't know if it's... No.

No. They can't survive. It is essentially impossible. So maybe it's possible, but it really is. You're probably in like the 0.1, 0.001, you know? Fuck. Yeah. This poor woman.

Can you see the suffering in her face? Like this has bothered her for like a whole life. That's what I'm saying. I do feel bad for her. I do feel bad. Well, way to bring the show down, Tommy. Well, I just thought, you know, I just thought it was kind of worth sharing that some kind of something's really funny.

It's also kind of sad. Yeah. Yeah. Comedy is tragedy plus time. Is that it? Equals comedy. Okay. That's what they say.

28 years. It's pretty funny. 28 years. Yeah. Hey, don't you think, you know, we were giving out good boy merits? Oh, yeah. I got a little treat for Paddy O'Callion. What?

Why? Because what happened when I pulled up this morning? Tom. I made sure you had a parking spot. Right out front. Uh-huh. Yep. And guess what?

Oh, a pack of M&Ms. You get M&Ms. Oh, wow. I've always wanted that. Good boy treats. Good boy's good treats. You get treats. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Good boy's good treats. Good boy's good treats. Where I came out of. Good job. Yep. Uh-huh. Thank you.

You're welcome. Pulled up. Nice big space out front. Uh-huh. And he directed you to it, which was really nice, and he wore a very nice shirt today. Yeah. It's all positive. Yeah.

Yeah. Good job. Speaking of positive, I might be the most positive guy on the Instagram. A few weeks ago, I started this thing that I've continued to do. Okay. Um, well, I was going through my closet and I just have way too much stuff. Yeah. And I feel like it doesn't matter what I pull out of there.

It's like it keeps growing stuff. Such a problem, I know. It's fucking. And it's like all these designer things too. It's like, ugh. So I usually give the clothes that I have to, like, our nanny because she has sons. And I'm like, here you go. You know?

She just takes it. She's out of town. So I was like, oh, what I'll do. Maybe I'll drop it off. And then I was like, I know what I could do. I could give it to, like, fans. Let's reframe this. You go, I know what I can do.

This is a few weeks ago, by the way, and I've been meaning to bring this up with you and I keep forgetting. What you did was give a tour of your closet and then tell people how poor they were. And that you would be willing to give these poor people your nice stuff. I mean, you're framing it differently than I would frame it. Yeah. That's what you did. I didn't give a tour.

I said, I have way too much stuff. I stood in a corner of the closet and I said, one of the hardest things to get rid of is jackets. Because you see a jacket and you're like, that's kind of, you know, why would I get rid of that jacket? I'll use that at some point. But then you realize you haven't worn the jacket in forever. So and I wanted to make room, it's just, it's overwhelming.

I get anxiety in the closet. I'm like, too much stuff. It's like falling off of shelves and shit, you know? So I was like, you need to get rid of stuff. That first night I got rid of, I took out six or seven jackets, probably 25 t-shirts. Three other shirts, like it's just, and then like six, seven pairs of pants, maybe more. And what I did was I gave, I put some aside to give to the nanny. And then I put some, I reached out where I put posts, I was like, hey, you know, fans,

you know, you're fucking, be poor. If you're poor, I'll give you this. I didn't want to, I didn't want to give it to like somebody of me. That was my point. This is really nice stuff. If you can afford it, it sucks to give it to you. So it'd be nice to give it to somebody that wouldn't otherwise buy it. Okay.

That's what I did. So what are you giving away? Like what kind of stuff is it? Nice stuff. I mean, like some All Saints shirts, a Sax Fifth Avenue jacket, a Hugo Boss jacket, a Burberry jacket. Don't compliment that bitch. Why are you giving that shit away?

You crazy? It's just, I have too much shit. I don't. But babe, that's real nice stuff. What would you recommend I do? You just keep it and wear it. Don't compliment that bitch. Don't give that away to people.

It's a good crazy talk. But I'm giving it. It's like really nice stuff. I know, but isn't that... Wear it. Wear it. But I mean, I'm not wearing it. Oh my God, babe, it's like, it's so much money.

How much money is this shit? So many monies. Babe. It's nonsense. It's crazy. It is nonsense. I don't know. You're saying, don't be charitable.

Yeah, keep it. Don't, don't. I think that's crazy. But I'm saying like, hey, hey person with a tough job and no means to do it. All right, okay. I mean, yeah, now you're making me the dick. At first you were like, oh, we ugly poor people. I never said that.

I never said that. I only called you poor. Babe. I only asked for the pores to reach out. Now I did throw in, hey, if you're fat and poor, that helps. That's true. Okay, so let's, as long as the criterion is really solid, like fat and poor. Because what happened was I had some stuff that I was like, it's way too big on me.

Right. So I'm like, if it's too big on me, it's definitely for a fat person. Yeah. And then I'd like it to be for a fat, poor person. Guess what? My inbox is flooded with people who are like, hey, I'm fat and poor. It's the funniest inbox I've ever seen. They're like, hey, fat, poor here.

I would love to have that. Then some people are like, I'm not fat, but I am poor. I got to tell you, you're the only person I know that gets away with this. Really? Being so mean. It's like they love it when you're mean to them. I do not get away with this at all. Yeah.

I think they know that. Well, I don't know. I would do my closet and be like, hey, if I can fat, poor bitches. Yeah. He wants my shit. He'd be like, canceled. Yeah. I don't know.

Fat shaming. I think they know that I'm not being mean though, right? Yeah, that's true. You're not being mean. And it's ending with me literally sending them. That's true. So you're going to send them out. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. We've been gathering this stuff because I keep adding stuff. Like even- But why do you have so much stuff? What's going on? I don't know. I don't know.

You just keep adding shit? Without going like, hey, I've already got something similar. Yes. Yes. Similar. Do you want me to help you with that? No. Shut up.

You want to keep doing the same thing of like, just add the same shirt? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. You just have to go, do I already have that? Maybe I shouldn't buy another one.

Similar. Well, a lot of it is stuff that I didn't already have. Oh, but then you just don't wear it. Well, I feel like the new stuff is getting worn. You know, the stuff that I've had, I'm like, oh, that's there. That's mine. Move that to the side. And then you just like-

I know you're saying. Then you pack it in. Yeah. It's like the new stuff, you're like, I like this new thing. And then that stuff that, you know, it's from, whatever, it could be even six months ago, but I'm not wearing it. I should just take it out. Yeah.

There's the Oprah rule. If you haven't worn it in one year, just donate it. Get rid of it. And you know what too, I've realized is like something you like to wear aside from these, like this Adina's jacket I have owned since 1995, like legit owned. And I, these are so timeless, like these will never go out of style. It's true. And I love them, but everything else, style comes and goes and you know, you don't have

to, you're not beholden to a fucking sweater. I know. I know it's like, but sometimes like I did the most progress the first two nights when I did that in the closet, normally I'll be like, man, there's just too much stuff in here. And I'll grab it. I don't know. And I just walk out.

Do you want to hear? I think it helped me actually to do it on Instagram because it made me accountable to actually to do it, to act. One time I was listening to a talk by Marianne Williamson. She's a self-help guru lady and she goes, the problem, the dilemma, the spiritual dilemma happens not when you can't buy any of them, but when you can buy all of them. Isn't that interesting? And she says, she did the same behavior.

And she goes, and I would buy a black shirt and then realize I had already bought four black shirts. And then what was I doing? Like what was I doing? You know, when you get kind of like stuck in that spiral of like the compulsive, like I need that. I need that. And you're like, no, you don't.

I have a friend. I have another friend who would do that with shoes. She at one point had to go to therapy because she's like, I have so many shoes. I have so many shoes. I don't need all, it's a friend of ours. I'll tell you off my, she's like, I don't need all these shoes. Yeah. And then she stopped doing it.

So she went to a therapist and that is the same spiritual, it's the same dilemma, right? The problem is not when you can have none of them, but when you can have all of them. It's like you, it's like overeating. It's the same thing. Like you think that you're going to fill, yeah, yeah, if I just do that, I will fill the thing. But then it's just a compulsive, you know, it's, it's whatever, it's an anxiety, whatever. There's even like a, there's a, I can even tell you there's a series, like a section

of shirts where I'm like, oh yeah, it's good to have these kinds of, and I don't wear them. Never wear them. I never wear them. But I go like, yeah. What kind of shirts are they? I'll show you. I'll just show you. There's a couple sections of them, but like, I'll be like, well, you know, I should get

rid of that. And I'm like, yeah, but then you won't have that kind of shirt. All right. You know what I mean? But I'm not wearing it. But then you won't have that thing. Yeah. I'm not wearing it.

But then if you ever need that kind of shirt. Yeah. What if I need that shirt? There's the domain. It's just down five minutes from here. Like you can always find a way to get the thing. No, there's no shirts. No.

If you don't have the shirts, then you'll never have the shirt. And here's what I realized too, because I've been afraid to throw things away too, because I'm like, but I might need that one day. Yeah. Okay. Well, if you do need that thing one day, five years from now, just get it on Amazon or get it again. Like, okay.

Yeah. That was worth not having it take up space in my closet. I know. It's the games we all play though. It's interesting, right? I just, to wrap it up. Yeah. You're welcome.

To all you fat pours. Fat pours. God, Jesus Christ. Can I tell you? You're lucky to have me. Go ahead. So I was with Chase O'Donnell, this, you know, whatever, we're always touring together. And Chase had the best thought in the car on the way home from a gig.

This is a Pijitzki effect, because it blew my fucking mind. Are you ready? Okay. Because she and I are great on these. She's one that does all the dances, you guys. Check her out on the gram. Chase underscore O'Donnell. There's your shadow.

Okay. She goes. So we're driving around the home and over and we see this AKC dog championship sign. Like that's the event that's happening this weekend. Yeah. And she goes, have you ever thought about it? But dog shows are basically beauty pageants for dogs. I was like, oh, yeah, you're right.

What'd you think they were? I mean, but the word beauty pageant for a dog. Yeah. I was like, oh my God, you're right. Like they don't, I guess I thought it was more legitimate about the breeding of the dog. Like the breeder, like this dog, I've groomed it. I've trained it. It can do tricks.

Yeah. Like it's more about the breeder and the trainer. Yeah. Versus the dog being pretty. Yeah. I don't know why I liked it so much. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it is the perfect way to describe a dog show. Yeah. It's a beauty pageant. It's a beauty pageant for dogs. For dogs. Yeah. And I love watching them.

They're so laughably ridiculous. I know. What's his name? Christopher Guest did that one. Best in show. Best in show. Yeah. Such a funny movie.

It is. Yeah. Yeah. And I watched the AKC dog shows. My favorite's obviously the Brussels Graffin. When that dog wins, I'm thrilled. Yeah. My whole year is made.

I like the Frenchies. I love the Bulldogs. Yeah. All the groups are always my faves. They're just ridiculous. Look at the poodles. There was one too. Poodles are so gay.

Gay as fuck, right? They're the gayest. They're so fucking gay. And like, why did they have to cut them all gay like that? Other dogs are like, you look gay to poodles. Yeah. There was a dog show, a big one a few years ago, where the dog took a shit during the thing. That was awesome.

And you know that in that world, they had to be like, did you see what happened to Marianne? Like they just, yeah. Well, that's the thing. I mean, does that automatically get you DQed? This says again. Oh, again. Oh, damn, dude. It says again.

A little bit. That's hilarious. I mean, they're still, they're dogs at the end of the day. They're not people. Of course. They don't know that we're on camera. They don't want a concept of that. They don't want this.

Yeah. They don't want to be on the show. No. This is for us. This is for us. This is 2015. Yeah. Dog takes a dump.

Yep. He's going for a walk. That dog just thinks he's going for a walk. Yeah. What happens when dogs go on walks? Yeah. They take shits. Yeah.

Oh, shit, dude. He's like, oh, we're walking, man. There it goes. There goes your first place. There goes your first place. He goes for the baggie too so fast. He's like, oh, just pretend I didn't have one. All those guys have baggies on them.

24-7. Fuck. That's a big steamer too. I was watching Clifford with the kids this morning and their kids were like, oh, wouldn't it be great to have a big dog? And I was like, no, dude, that dog shits so big. That's what you told them? Clifford?

No. Oh. But I did tell them when Clifford was being, they took Clifford away on a boat, Ellis was like, where's he going? I'm like to the sausage factory. And then Ellis was like, is that true? That dog would take a person size shit. Bigger than a person, Clifford?

No, but multiple people would come out of its ass. If that dog took a shit, it would look like cars were coming out of its ass. Clifford would destroy your whole neighborhood. Yeah, of course. No way. The fact they leave that out of the story is really fucked up. Yeah. They show Clifford peeing one time in the park.

They show him lifting his leg and they don't show his dick. I wish they did. Just for scale, I just to see. But then it splashes the tree and then it splashes the two main characters and you're like, but Ellis laughed. He all welled at that. Yeah. He liked that.

Yeah. I wish they showed Clifford the big red dog taking a big brown shit. Or a big red shit. He's got stomach problems. Yeah. Clifford gets diarrhea. That's the big problem. Clifford has blood in his stool.

Yeah. That could be a real good one. Stupid. So you can do that with your asshole, for instance. Like people carry so much baggage around the asshole. It's a freaking portal to the deepest, most powerful, most potent orgasms. Right. But when we've sort of layered all of this meaning and story onto our asshole, it literally

compresses the spectrum of feeling that we can access in there. And so when you start to unwind that, that has added up inside of your body, you'll also be able to get to mind blowing sex a lot more because you'll be able to tap into those feeling states which contribute to that experience. And he's not feeling that clip. I'm not feeling that clip at all. What are you not feeling about it? I think she's saying that people attach too much to their assholes and then they can't

feel joy from their assholes. But I love taking a good shit. I just don't want to dick in my butt hole. Is that so much to ask? No. See, essentially they're at, so to tab anal is to ask you to do the taboo. It's generally not, it's not a common enough practice, right? It's pretty common.

I know, but it's not like everybody does it. No, no, no. Everyone does it. And you usually, if you talk to enough people, you get the full range of experiences from it. There are people who go like, they think like it's where it answers God's greatest question. They're like, it's all here. Yeah.

It's all here. And then there's people who are like tried it, hated it or whatever. It just, I don't know. It just depends. I know. Do you know what? When I do shows, people still scream, I got a scrum. Oh, yeah.

Look, I'm scrum. I'm like, all right, guys, guys, come on. That you should do. I wish, yeah, people don't care about real issues as much as they do about me licking your scrum. You should do that. Yeah? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. You're still into this. Yes. It's not that crazy. You should do it. What? What?

I don't like it. You don't know you don't like it. I do know I don't like it. You don't know. There's things I know intuitively that I do not enjoy. I don't want to try. You don't know that you don't enjoy that. It might be your favorite thing.

It might be. Is there another clip? Is there something else you could show me? What's going on? You need a little more encouragement. I got it. It's getting hot in here. It's not getting hot in here.

I think you need a little more force involved. Force? From me. Oh, you're going to force my head? Yeah. I don't like that at all. That turns me on. No.

No, your reaction. I don't like that. That's exciting. I mean, it's to convince me that, see, that's another thing. So when I'm trying to, my argument being like, if it's something that's out of the norm, I mean, she's like, you just have to get over yourself and then you're going to love that.

It's like, well, you're asking me already. It's out of the norm. There's a reason it's out of the norm. Let's listen again. Let's listen again. So you can do that with your asshole, for instance, like people carry so much baggage around the asshole. It's a freaking portal to the deepest, most powerful,

most potent orgasms, right? But when we've sort of layered all of this meaning and story onto our asshole, it literally compresses the spectrum of feeling that we can access in there. And so when you start to unwind that, that has added up inside of your body, you'll also be able to get to mind blowing sex a lot more

and you'll be able to tap into those feeling states which contribute to that experience. I don't understand. I think we need to talk to her. I think we need to reach out to her. I never explained more. Yeah. I think it should be fun to talk to.

So wait, the feelings will open my anus. It's that you, like she's saying, we have put so much from our lives and like how you feel onto the baggage that you're carrying. Basically, strip that baggage away and be more free and open to what your asshole can do for you. It's like, what can Brown do for you? Yes.

Your asshole can do a lot for you. What about you though? Do you feel like you have a lot of baggage attached to your ass that you could be getting more? Yeah. I think so. I have a lot of baggage and I'm fine with the baggage. Yeah.

That's what we're going to have Layla talk to you about. No, I'm totes fine with my baggage. Nope. I'm at peace with it. No. That's one area. Nope. I don't need to explore.

I think you do. Kaka is so stinky though. I'm not interested in anything. Well, I don't want any kaka there either. Yeah, but that's where kaka lives. I know where kaka lives. You think I don't know where kaka lives? Huh?

Kaka's so bad for you. Don't put a kaka in your mouth. Don't put a kaka in your mouth. No, this has nothing to do with kaka. Yeah, huh. Your beehole is where the kaka lives. You clean the kaka area first. There's no kaka there.

That the kaka lives there. It lives there, but it moves. Boom, but it still passes through there. Would you eat on a plate that always had kaka in it? If they wash it really well, yeah. There's no way you can wash it that well. You can. You can bleach a plate, but you can't bleach a live beehole.

You can't bleach a beehole, Tom. You absolutely can bleach a beehole. It's actually a very common service. That's cosmetic, but not medical. Okay. Fecal to oral bacteria. It is not a thing. It is a thing.

Yeah, I'm not talking about going from a dump to scrum eating. I'm talking about going from a shower. Yeah, but your ass is always hot. I'm telling you, I've known you for a million years. Your listen to me. Don't shake your head. Listen to me. Yeah.

Your ass is always steamy. It's steamy down there because it's always clenched together. Those butt cheeks, it's always hot. So cool it down first. I'm not talking about going from a jog. Speaking of, you went on a run today. Were you the bell of the ball in the neighborhood today? Nobody talked to you?

Nobody was out. It was great. The dads didn't come running out from their house. Tom, how you doing? Good to see you. Hey, what are you doing? That's what he does. I love it.

No, I know. They all love you though. I was waiting to see if you had gotten any other invitations. No, that's pretty cool. I went to that party. I went to that neighborhood party. And? Everybody was nice.

Yeah. They're very sweet in our place. Did you get ripped? No. Did anybody get faded? Not that I saw. No. People stayed with them live.

I had the best thing happen at a show that hasn't happened in a while. A guy fully cussed out a drunk chick. That's rad. Yeah. I really liked it too. He was like, shut the fuck up. You've been talking to this whole fucking time, taking pictures. And I was like, the record stopped.

Everybody licked over. And some people started yelling like, don't your camera through the fence. And I was like, no. I was like, silence. Silence. We must hear this exchange. What ended up happening? I silenced people that were wanting to shout.

And I started, we just, I go, everybody shut up. This is the best thing that's ever happened. And we all shut up and we listen. Yeah. And he was threatening her and she's like, I don't know. I'm just trying to have fun. I have to know that typical. She's like, shut up.

And I was like, OK, security. I called for security and I go, just make sure nobody throws a fucking glass at me. Because that's last time that happened. I got a glass thrown at me before. And you know, so I'm just like, let's make sure no one throws shit. And then a drunk lady goes, we won't let them throw anything at you, mommy. I was like, that's sweet, but you guys are all drunks. You're not going to protect me from this.

It really does make you hate drunks. Yeah. When you do stand up long enough. And you're like, and your fifth or sixth show of the week. And you're just like, man, what am I doing? Yeah. And it's always the, like that girl, I'm just trying to have fun. Yeah, I'm just trying to have fun.

I'm just having a good time. The person who talks and they're like, I'm just trying to like help you. I don't need you to help me though. No, I was doing great without you. Yeah. Because what it does is it ruins your vulnerability. Yes. No, I don't want to share with you.

I don't want to tell you anything. I don't like the audience because you guys are retarded, you know? Yeah. So that was kind of neat. But I like it when it like it's a dumb drunk girl and then a guy straightens her out like a dad type. I thought that was kind of cool. Yeah, that was great.

Yeah. I mean, I talked about it, but like a couple of months ago when I was in Charlottesville, Virginia. Oh my God. And that show just fucking fell apart, but it started with an audience member in a theater. Oh my gosh. He won't shut up. He's like, I'm not shutting up.

That's the best. And then they were like, he needs to leave. He's like, I'm not leaving. I'm not. And then he held on to his. No. He held on. And then when the ushers came because they were ushers.

Yeah. I was like, oh, he's not leaving because they weren't security. They were just like, what do we do? I'm like, well, you'll do nothing. He's scaredy. So he stayed. Uh-uh. Did he keep talking?

No. Okay. And everybody hated him. And it's a small theater, but it's still, you know, like people were like, yeah. And then other people thought, well, I guess you can like just talk now. People started yelling shit to the stage. It was a nuttiest show. Oh my God.

I've had it in a while. Oh my God. And then people were fucking, it was kind of chaotic, you know. Yeah. And the thing is that chaos happened at like the 30 minute mark. Oh, that's what my chaos happened. And then I had to kind of dance out. I was like, all right.

Fuck. Later guys. I can't do this. And that guy, you know, I'm glad other, like the guys that were with me, they, they said they noticed it too is that he was like the people, the person that everyone hated. And then it's like he wanted to be audience again. Like he wanted to be part of the crowd again. So like the first joke I told after the disruption, he went like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Like he did like a forced laugh to be like, I'm a laughing audience member. You know what I mean? And we were like, you're crazy. No, you're out. You're out, dude. He wasn't out. He wasn't out. He never left.

No, I mean, out is in. You're not in the circle. Trust anymore. And we were all like, and he was laughing at a weird part of us. What are you doing? You could tell he wanted to be like, no, I'm just a regular audience member. Mental. Yeah.

Mental. Totally crazy. Yeah. I don't know why people talk. It's the worst. And then I was on an airplane and I saw the most like, you know, and it's cold as shit. This the morning I boarded it was like in the 40s and everyone's in a jacket. And then this one dude gets on the plane in a tank top.

You know what I'm saying? Like just a thin little tank top and he's jacked as fuck. You know those guys that are like, who, and I'm like, that's wild. You know what a choice to see the veins and shit. Like he was competing or something that weekend. I don't know. But everyone's has jackets on. No, it's cold as shit.

Yeah, it's cold. It's like 40s and he just has to show off his physique. Also, if you're not showing off that physique, what'd you do it for? Yeah, that's the whole thing because he doesn't drink wine every night and eat nachos. You know what I mean? He's not living. He's just eating lean protein. Right.

I can get it. If you're born with something, you don't have to show it. Like if it's just the way it is. But if you work that hard for something, you work that hard for that body. That's work. That's discipline like daily. I know. You know your macros and you're weighing your food and you work out twice a day.

But I'm saying you earned it. Like fucking get on this flight in your underwear. I know. I know. Sweet. So that's the path because I asked my trainer. I asked my trainer one time. I was like, I think I'd like to have a flat stomach just once in my life because I've

just genetically not. I've never had it. Maybe when I was five. What should I say? She's like, well, you know, you just have to make a choice. You decide that you either want a flat stomach or you want to enjoy food and drinks. She's like, that's basically what it is. So my point being like, that's the enjoyment.

It's just how I look, how I look, how I look, how I look. It's what do you, what feels better? The admiration you'll get with the flat because that's really what you're doing it for. You're not doing it to see it flat. You're doing it for like other people, basically, basically to be like, damn, look at your body. That's the feeling, you know, because you won't be like, damn, it'll be the other people that give you that validation. And people will say, no, it's, it's, you do it for yourself.

That's, I don't buy that. I think people end up, they say that they do it for themselves, but they're really doing it for the outside. Like, oh my God, look at your crazy body. I don't know though. I mean, it's, you know, that thing that you hate on your own body, your whole life. Yeah. It's the thing I'd be like that.

It's still not worth it to me to give up my entire lifestyle. Also. I don't care. You know, I had a trainer once. This is like more than 10 years ago who was fucking so ripped, right? Like he had like a models physique and he was like, I'm fat. Yeah. They don't ever feel good.

We worked at Bert and I worked out with him. What? He's like, I'm just fat right now. We were like, what are you talking about? And he would really, and he wasn't joking. And we would constantly be like, what are you saying, dude? And that's how he was in his head. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm beginning to think that these trainers have like body dysmorphia and eating disorders and they're like, I'm just going to make a living having eating disorder. And then I'm going to make other people feel like they can look like me by being normal, but not really. Like you kind of need to have an eating disorder or to be completely obsessed with your looks. Kind of obsessed. Yeah.

I mean. Or just 20. You have to be either 18 years old or like obsessed with your looks, right? And that doesn't seem like very much fun to be obsessed with your looks all the time. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. The healthy way is somebody who has just like high level discipline, because discipline is actually a good thing to have, right?

Because it actually bleeds out into other parts of your life. I agree. Yeah. Sure. So I've seen that like with Sean is just a really disciplined guy. Yeah. I don't think he's eating disordered at all. But he's very disciplined.

He enjoys the discipline. I think what gives him pleasure is the discipline, more so than the results. Because I think I was talking to him, I was like, dude, you want a donut? We're having donuts. And he's like, nah. And I was like, why? God, come on. He's like, it doesn't make me feel good.

He said, I don't feel good. I'm like, okay. But then there'll be like the random day where he comes over with donuts. That's true. So there's a balance to that. So he still has like things he enjoys. But most of the time, that dude is like. He's laser focused.

But I'm obsessive about like comedy and stand up. That's what your discipline is. Yeah. My discipline is like, I will fucking do whatever it takes. Like I don't have any problem waking up at four in the morning, flying across the country, doing two shows that night, da, da, da, da, da. Because I love it. So your discipline lies in your work.

Yeah. Not my physical so much. Yeah. I mean. It would be nice to have both, eh? Not in this lifetime. That's too much. You can't do it all, man.

You can. You can. It depends on what. Yeah. Nah, I got kids. I'll give it to my kids. I love my kids. I got to eat cookies with my babies.

I can't be worried about belly fad and shit. I was admiring our six year old's body the other day. I know. toddler butt. Man, I wish I had that fucking body. I know. They're fucking long and lean. He's all lean, jacked.

They're so strong. And he eats all day. He's like, oh, wow, wow, wow, wow. So fucking jacked. I know. Yeah. I know. They're so strong.

Yeah. Yeah. I also had another. Okay. So here's what I've been doing. May I bring up another topic? Yeah. As long as we're here?

Yeah. I've, okay. Every time I get into an uva, they play top 40 music. And I'm convinced that there's no fucking way everybody's listening to this dog shit music in the world. It's fucking dog shit garbage. Sorry. I don't like top 40.

Top 40. It all sounds the same to me. It's like, shut the fuck up. So I've been asking my uva drivers to play me the music they actually listen to. Oh, you tell them switch it up? Yeah. I go, don't play this fucking garbage. Play what you really like.

And I've been surprised. I've had a guy play death metal for me and I was like, this is horrible. Put back top 40. I can't do this. He's like, this is what I like. Yeah. He's like, okay. And I was like, all right, dude.

And I was pretty crazy. I've been in uvers where I don't make that request and I get to hear the top 40 of Pakistan and Turkey and stuff. Yeah. That's fun. Oh my God. I had. Okay.

So I got into an uva here and I was like, play your favorite song. I just want to hear your favorite song. And it was from the 80s and it was one I didn't recognize, but it wasn't very good. And it was just like, she loves me. She loved. It was like garbage. And then it stopped and then he played it again. He played it three times.

It was here in Austin. Yeah. And you mentioned to play what you like or no, this. Yeah. I was like, play me your favorite song. He's like, this song over and over. This is my jam, bro. And it was some obscure 80s song.

I got into an uva here in Austin where the guy, like we didn't, we just said like, hello. And then I got in and he played his shit loud as fuck and it just happened to be shit I like. Oh, that's good. All right. That's lucky. But I just like, yeah. What was it?

It was like, it was like MJ stuff and like Vogue and like, you know, like these 80s or 90s R&B stuff. But I liked it. Yeah. But I was just like, I was like, this was like. Never gonna get it. Yeah. This was like if I didn't like it.

You're like, could you turn this down? Yeah. Yeah. So many times I, if it's top 40 and I get in there, I'll fucking be like, can you please turn this down? I want to die. I want to fucking die listening to your shit. You remember that we had this a few weeks ago.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's pretty bad at this, right? Yeah. How do you do this? Try it.

Is that good? It's the first time I've ever tried. It's my first time. Ready? Okay. Ready? Should I do her? Yeah.

You're nailing it. Yeah? Yeah. I feel like Beavis. You're doing a great job. It's hard. Oh, it is. You got to train for that.

Yeah. Hinge has been in the net. That's hurt. I got to train my instrument for that. Try it. It's hard. It's hard. But she's actually good at that.

I know, but she's fucking intense, man. Yeah. Well, that music form isn't that good. It's hard. It's hard. Sometimes it's best not to compete with your spouse. So that is Isaac Stolzer-Garry who played the guitar in that. Amazing.

He wrote that music. Amazing. Yeah. Thank you, Isaac. And then also the lady who I am trying to sing like, so she reached out to me on the Insta. We DM'd. She says to me, she says, Christina, you're the reason I got on TikTok.

She goes, that's why I posted that clip of me singing. Awesome. Because you got me into that platform, and then I posted it, and I go, look at us. Now we're full circle. Yeah. So she said, actually, I had the good beginnings. She goes, but you have to go deeper. So I should go.

I've been practicing a little bit, actually. Yeah. Okay, ready? Well, this is actually a good time to bring something up. What? We actually have a tutorial. No. Hello.

I'm Adrienne from Seven Spires, and this is a crash course in the foundations of my extreme vocal technique. In other words, this is a how to scream video. Perfect. If you imagine that you had a bad day at work, and you come home to your apartment, and all you want to do is like make a huge batch of mac and cheese, and watch Netflix in bed. But you open the door to your apartment, and it smells bad because nobody's taking the trash out, and all the dirty dishes are in the sink.

And you just walk in, and you're like, just deeply annoyed sigh. Take this sound and we extend it. So we go, and that's the foundation of my scream sound. From here, we need to do two things. Number one, we need to give the sound more breath support, and number two, we need to open the mouth more. So if you're not a nerdy technical singer like me, giving more breath support, in this context, try to imagine that you're trying to touch your belly button to your spine as you're

exhaling. So if you put your hands next to your belly button, and exhale. And if you feel your core muscles engaging, and your stomach trying to go in towards your spine, you're probably doing it right. So if we take this feeling, and we apply it to our extended like this. You can hear when I turn the breath support on and off. Okay, ready? Did I do it?

This is like that time I taught myself how to play the didgeridoo. The last thing we need to do is open our mouths more. So if you put your fingers in front of your ears, and you open your mouth, you'll feel the jawbone moving under your fingers. It feels really weird. But we want that. We want that big open space because it leaves more room for the scream to resonate. So if we combine, elongate it, more breath support, we open the mouth more.

There's the scream sound. And if you want to begin adding words to it, we could try the phrase. I do not fear the darkness. So we're not going to say, I do not fear the darkness. We're going to think of it all as a column of breath punctuated very slightly by consonants. Again, elongated, more breath support, open mouth. And now, I do not fear the darkness. I do not feel the darkness.

Fear. Okay, right? Yeah. She kind of does it like, she sings like Green Day, like, I do not feel the darkness. Right? Like that 90s punk? Hold on. Right, right?

Yeah. Okay. Hold on. The lines are put together. Okay. I do not fear the darkness. So good. That was fucking great, right?

That was great. Thank you. That was really good. That was good. That felt really good. You're a good student. Should I try singing something else? Sure.

Give me another song. Right. Okay. Happy Birthday to you. It's really good. That one got better. I can see a lot of offers coming your way after this. Give me something stupid to sing.

Jingle Bells. Yeah. Stay Bells ring. I got listed. I got listed. Why don't you do this more? I feel like I have a career. I do.

I do too. Whoa. I can death metal sing, babe. Yeah. That was a really good tutorial. Very good. And the first, the one who was singing that we first played, she listens to the podcast. Yeah.

What's her name? I have to remember. I have to look it up at my DMs. I think it's up to the C. Yes, yes, yes. We've been singing. We've been talking. C-H?

Oh my God. Let's see if I can figure it out before you. Okay. Chaney Crab. Chaney Crab. There you go. Yeah, she's a huge fan of the show. She's a mommy.

And yeah. And then it was bizarre. The world's collided. Entheos is the name of the band. Yep. And she has a podcast. Oh. Called the Cobra Crab Podcast.

Sweet, bro. Yeah. Well, now that I'm a professional death metal singer, I think I know what my next video is going to have to be. I've already conquered the rap world. I think it's time to conquer death metal. Maybe I should do a Christmas album next year in death metal. That'd be pretty fun, right?

You're like, you know, could you imagine me practicing this around the house? I would not like that, but I would like to see the final product. Yeah. It'd be tough to do a whole hour like that. Yeah. I can't do that. It's tough. Yeah.

Very good. That was very exciting, Gene. You like that? Yeah, I did. Me too. I like how gothy she looks, too. That's cool. She's pretty rad.

Yeah, I like that. Hey, you... Hey, what's your corner? You said that at your shows recently. Yeah, speaking of that, there have been lots of Muslims at my shows. Muslim women wearing the hijab. What do you think is going on? I don't know, and I love it.

I'm open. I'm here for it, as the kids say. I'm not opposed. Is there a subversive pro-Islamic message in your app? Definitely. Definitely. What if there is, and I just don't know it? First, you notice three, and then eight, and then in a couple of months, you're like,

Man, there's like 250 hijabs at my show. What's going on? And they're just like... Your favorite comedian? What? Sorry, am I not supposed to do the accent? There it is, yeah. And they start...

They're like, oh, shit. Yeah, and then that's the line. That's the line inside your show. That's the line. And they're like, what is this? And I guess, Christina P. They're like, I don't understand. And then they invite me to, like, Riyadh.

And then they come inside, and they're like, death to America. And you're like, um... And they're like, we're with you. And you're like, I didn't... I didn't say that, did I? They're like, we get it. I don't know, but it seems to be the women are coming. Maybe it's because I talk about my dopey husband and stuff, and the kids, maybe they're like,

is that what this is? The family angle? I don't know. Are they listening to your mom's house? It is fascinating, though. In 20 years of stand-up, I've never seen one Muslim lady with the hijab. And now you're seeing it every week. And now, every week, there's at least two for every show.

Well, two were... That's not significant, right? Two. Well, two in the showroom on, yeah, one night, then the next night, a couple more. I have never... Have you ever seen? Yeah, I've seen that at shows. Oh, I've never seen.

I guess now I'm the Muslim comic. I don't know. For having two? But in every city, in every city, there's... Can you imagine if you're like, you know there were two Asians at my show last night? I don't know what's going on. No, multiple shows, though. No, multiple shows, but I mean, you need to...

A table's full. Well, that's not two or four. Now you're talking about... Yeah, I'm remembering now. Sorry, there was like a whole table, and I was like... Well, how many people are at the table? Like six. Okay.

And I wanted to be like... Hey, now we're getting somewhere. Yeah, I wanted to be like, hey, guys, you're all Muslim and stuff. Like, what's going on? But I didn't want to shame them and make them stand out. Well, of course. Yeah, I didn't want to embarrass them. But I'm secretly like, what's going on?

They're like, oh, we just plotting something and... Seemed like a place where nobody would notice us. Yeah, you're anti-American. I'm not anti-American. No, I like America. And we also think women are dumb, so we came to your show. Maybe that's what it is. It's all this, like, me being like, I'm a dumb bitch on the show.

Yeah, and they're like, exactly. Finally. I hate a woman who gets it. So many American women are so... Fucking ideas, words, words. Hate it. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, I hate a woman like that, too, though. What? The words? Yeah, just fucking, oh, you know, what about me and my rights? Like, shut up, you stupid bitch. Right. Right. What rights do you hate the most when they complain?

Just any of them. Abortion. Like, whenever a woman talks about, like, her rights, I want to restrict them, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. It's just fucking so lame. Right.

The truth is, you know, I think women have too many rights. Yeah, what would you like to whittle down? The rights? All of them? I think so. Like, no more bank accounts, no more credit cards, jobs? Yes. But don't you think it's even, it's way worse, because the man fully has to support the woman

back then, you know? Yeah. You have even more. What are some new women's rights? Let's see. Yeah, let's see. This includes the right to live. These include the right to live free from violence and discrimination, to enjoy the highest

attainable standard of physical mental health, to be educated on property. It's a lot. To vote. Well, here's a few I would take away right away. Yeah, sure. Definitely vote. Definitely. Yeah, you don't want them educated.

Yeah. I don't want an education. It's done nothing good for me. Right. Earn equal wage, I think is silly. You know, a woman doesn't know what to do with all that. All that money. She needs a guy to manage all that.

Yeah. Yeah. Free from violence, I guess. But yeah. What about the, okay, should I be able to live free from violence? I guess. That seems cool. It's reasonable.

But I think it should kind of end there. Are these new rights? That's what it says. What are the, what are some new... I think new from the last few hundred years. I don't know. Well, I think it's not in the Constitution, right? I mean, in the amendments, rather.

Like some of these have not formally been added as amendments to the American Constitution. Well, we lost our minds here. We just decided everyone's equal, which is insane. It's insane. Yeah. Yeah. You should have rights based on what you contribute, you know? Oh, I've felt that for a long time.

Right. Yeah. You do? Well, I actually, I think it's, it's, okay. I think it should be based on a few things. IQ. IQ. Depending on your IQ and...

Dummies shouldn't have rights. Not a lot. Not definitely not the right to vote. That's a good, that's a good one. You need to have a certain IQ. It's crazy that we all, that we all have the same vote. I hate it. I know.

There are certain, well, we've discussed this before. There are certain states that just should not be able to vote. Well, they should get like, all their votes should equal like a vote. Right. You know? One person's vote. So they're like, you know, 800,000 people voted this year here and you're like, that's a vote, one vote.

I think definitely, okay, so there's IQ, but then also like mental fitness. There should be tests. Like it can't be, it's like, oh, it can't be totally crazy. Hmm. That'll eliminate a lot of votes. I know. There's a lot of crazy people out there, but just, I mean, just in general, who gets rights is what you're saying?

Yeah. Protected rights? And then don't you think if you hit a certain age, they should pull your rights away too? Like, once you're like old. They do kind of. Yeah, but they should be a little more aggressive, I feel like. Like what age and then you just go straight to the old folks home? Yeah.

What age? Take your stuff away. 80? Oh yeah. That's so old. You're just straight into the cognitive function, cognitive function deteriorates from age 45. That's me, babe. Shit.

And by the way, I feel like it started happening for you a little while ago. Yeah, I think so too. Your capacity for memory? Would you stop with that? Babe, I juggle, have you ever heard of a thing called the mental load? Mental load. Women juggle a mental load in the house that men do not. I literally juggle two little children's, okay, first of all, I'll give you a dumb example.

Fucking the week before school lets out for Christmas, Juju has to wear pajamas on the 14th to school because of his party, Ellis wears it on the 15th. Ellis after his class needs to bring sugar cookies with the decorations to bring in and then on Julian needs to bring other fucking treats on the 17th because do you understand like those stupid details I carry constantly. In addition to an hour's of material doing this, traveling, not sleeping, you know what I mean? So if I forget conversations, it's because there's a lot of other stupid shit in there.

And that's the mental load. The mental load. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Like when's the next pediatrician appointment? Do you know it? No. No.

No. I do. I juggle all that bullshit. When is the next appointment? Next checkup. Julian turns four. You mean next summer? Yeah.

That's when the next appointment is? Yeah. That carries a load? Well, I know it. What about the dog? The dog? I take care of bitsy's dumb appointments and everything. It's a mental load.

Okay. Yeah. Because your memory feels like it's... Well, I also don't care. So there's another part. There are certain things in my mind. Here's what I learned in the two weeks of law school that I learned. When you read stuff, you don't have to read every fucking detail.

You read the pertinent details to filter out. Okay, dad. The bullshit. Yeah. That's how my dad is. Yeah. So I focus on the pertinent shit and then filter, filter, filter. I don't have to know all the details.

It's a waste of my medical space. It took me decades to realize my dad was doing that. I did not know that. And there's two incidents. I've told you these, right? What? That stood out, that made me realize he doesn't read. Yeah.

The two? Yeah. But do you know what the two are? No. So we both have always liked crime stories and everything. And there was this like Newsweek profile that I read every word of. And it was like the whole story was, you know, like 11 pages in a magazine. It was like the main story.

And it was fascinating. I forget the actual story that it was, but I remember I had read it and I went into his room at the, not the house to live in now, the previous house. And I was like, this story is amazing. And I knew he would like it. It was the type of story he would like. And I gave it to him. He goes, what?

I go, you just got to read this. And he's like, okay. And so he started and I left the room. And then I came back in the room like, I don't know, maybe it was 30 minutes later or something. And I see the magazine over there and I'm like, did you read it? He's like, yeah. It's good. I go, you read that already?

Cause it was a long read. Yeah. He's like, yeah, it was a good story. And I was like, that's it? He was like, mm-hmm. That's interesting. And I was like, well, can you believe? And he's like, what's that?

And I go, well, that he, like that he killed his brother-in-law or whatever. He's like, what? And I go, the guy that owned the business and he's like, he killed him. And I'm like, didn't you read it? He's like, well, I just kind of skimmed through it. I'm like, why wouldn't you read it? He's like, well, that's just how, that's what I do. And I was like, for everything?

And he was like, mm-hmm. And then I was like, huh, I gave him a book on the financial crisis that was like this. And I was like, this book is fascinating. Yeah. And he detailed things that he had, he worked in that industry and had the company he worked for profiled in it. And I gave it to him. And the next day he was like, that was a good book that I sure were giving it to me.

And I was like, you read 400 pages last night? He's like, well, you know, a lot of the stuff I already knew. Because I already knew. Wow, he's a genius. And I was like, no, no, no, these were like behind the scenes, you know, like the fucking treasury secretary and the CEO of JP Morgan, like it was like behind the scenes stuff. He's like, yeah, I knew a lot of that stuff. So, but I, you know, I kind of skimmed through.

And then once I was able to like frame it that way, I was like, oh, this is how he digests everything. Right. Information. Yeah. Everything is just like, and that. Next. He doesn't actually go read next page.

Yeah. It's just, that's how he looks at everything. Well, it depends on what I'm reading personally. Like if it's a harder text, I want to read that very vigilantly and closely, right? But let's say it's a general, like an article. The first two or three paragraphs are completely, you don't even need to read them because it's fucking exposition garbage on a sunny day in July, two women went to the park. One of them was named Jane.

The other one was named Sally. You skip all that. Yeah. Cause then I'll be like, tell me about fucking COVID. I want to hear the details. So then I skipped down to like, yeah, here's what the surgeon general. Sure. I see you said, okay, good, good, good, good.

You know, just get to the fucking. Depends on what you're reading. It depends. Yeah. I don't like fiction. I won't read a fucking story. I'm fucking bored usually. Really?

I'm like, it's the ladies book club. That's the first book I've read in 15 years. Yeah. Generally, I'm very fucking bored. I'm like, I don't want to, you know. You're generally very fucking bored. By fiction. Yeah.

I'm like, I don't want to hear this description. Get the fuck out of here. Okay. But I like to reread stuff that I read like this morning. I read Plato's Allegory of the Cave because our friends were discussing it. And that, that to me was, that's a close read, right? That's a dense read, but I read it very closely. It was only two or three pages, but there's a lot.

And now you're ready to discuss it more? I love it, yeah. What is it? Give me the cliff notes on that. Oh, for fuck's sake. You know, nobody wants to hear this. Just let's see how quickly I want to have you stop talking. Oh, I mean, look.

We've been together for 20 years. No, but I want to hear, like, start it and then I'll be like, that's enough. Okay. The Allegory of the Cave. There's a group of people who were raised in the cave and they can only keep their heads forward. They can't look at each other. And the only information they get is through the shadows cast from a fire above them and a fire behind them.

So essentially the only knowledge they're given is what's broadcast on the cave walls in the form of shadows, right? So if that's all you know and someone says to you, that's a tree and it's just the shadow of the tree. That's what you know, right? But what if one day you were to be released out of the cave and into the light, right? You probably would resent that light at first and be like, the fuck is this? And they're like, well, that's the sun.

And you're like, that's not the sun. The sun is this thing on the cave. What are you talking about, dipshit? See, but see the way I explain it is way more interesting. But what's that supposed to highlight? That education is somewhat fallible, right? And ultimately the philosopher should rule the world. That's what the argument he's going to make.

This is Plato's Republic. It's going to go into why the philosopher king is the best option for government. But the point is wisdom and knowledge, how you think it's one way. And then it's harder to go the higher route. It's harder to go the route of the sun, right? To know to know what true knowledge is. It sucks. It hurts.

Most people don't want it. But once you have it, you can't go back to the cave. I didn't hate that. I didn't hate that at all. But see, I explain it better than my dry ass pussy philosophy teacher did back in 1996 or whatever. Once you've been enlightened, you can't go back to the cave. You cannot. That's true.

So you're forever changed, which is a good and bad thing. Absolutely. See, part of me, when we're going through women's rights, I'm like, I don't really need to be so smart. This is what I'm talking about. Yeah. This is what I'm talking about. Take them away.

Take them away. Here's the thing. If we were to take away women's rights, just hear me out. If we were to take away women's rights, there's no way that that they would beat us in a battle. You know, right? More of them would battle now. Yeah.

They fucking they're so fool themselves. But we would still stomp them out, you know. Isn't it weird that women need rights? Like it had to be the cliff. Yeah. She can vote now. They're like, what? Like, why couldn't I just vote for you? Because you're dumb broad.

Yeah. Because we weren't educated. They wouldn't let us do book learning. Yeah. I just had to sit there and do needlepoint. Mm-hmm. Isn't that wild? And it's a society is a lot more easy to manage and control when.

The dumb-dumbs are. Well, they're not educated. Yeah. Well, that's that's the truth. Yeah. That is the truth. It'd be kind of nice to go back to that. You know.

I know, right? Yeah. Then women could focus on the important things. Which which is? Learn how to suck and shut up. Right? Babe. Did you go to the covertate school?

Suck it and shut up. Suck it and shut up. He's got a point though. He's got a lot of good points. Does have a lot of good points. Yeah. But don't you think too, I mean, I know you guys are all in charge and stuff back in the day.

It kind of still are. Let's be real. Like, I don't think the white man has to worry that his time is over anytime soon. Let's be real here. We like to think it's all equal. But it's a lot of work, isn't it? Being number one and running stuff.

I mean, do you guys really, is it that fun? Depends on who you ask. It really is person to person. I mean, think about like the president. That's a terrible job. Like who wants to do that? Most people agree with you though. That's the thing is a very, it's really a small percentage

of people that want that. I mean, there's no such thing as, I don't care who you like as president, whether it's Obama or Trump or Clinton or Bush, those guys are ultra-narcissists. They are. They have to be. You have to have a phenomenal ego

to think I should rule the world. The free world. Because that's what you end up doing. You rule the free world. And so those like, that's not, you're not a normal guy or girl if you're like, I should be president. Well, that's why Plato suggested

that we raise somebody who's not greedy and invested in the ways of the world, hence the philosopher king. But the problem is, it doesn't have practical knowledge. So the philosopher king. And also applying, like making that a reality sounds like nonsense.

It's tough. Create like raising up the philosophy king. Well, look, they're Greeks. They were butt-fucking kids and stuff. They didn't know what the fuck was happening. They did a lot of crazy shit. They let lions eat people. Why did they butt-fuck kids though?

That's a good question. I'm not entirely sure I think it was. How do you not research that? I think it was common practice to practice your sexual. On a kid? You start with a boy. Like the men had boys that they would practice on

before they got married. Well, look at this. That's what I think. It was characteristic of the archaic and classical periods, the influence of pederasty. Did you say that? On Greek culture of these periods was so pervasive

that it has been called the principal cultural model for free relationships between citizens. One vase shows a young man or boy running away from eros the Greek God of desire. Yeah, but I wonder why it was so prevalent. If you think about it this way, right? Like back in the day, they probably didn't know how to prevent pregnancy, right?

So if you can... But look what this says though. I don't know. It says that these relationships did not involve children. Oh, good. But post-pubescent adolescence, usually between the ages of 15 and 19,

which at that time was like being 35. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you didn't live very long. You lived until you were 30. Yeah. So could you imagine? Yeah, I imagine what? Dying at 30?

That's so crazy. Now life begins when you're 30. You're finally figuring it out. No, when you were 15, you'd already like beaten fucking disease and you lost your parents and everything. Yeah, you could get thrown to lions and terrible. Yeah, you did.

You died at people like you're like 32 and died. Yeah. But also, you know, you would get an infection and die. Yeah, you'd get like your cavity and that you just wrought your head off. Yeah, I would have been dead so long ago. I know. Well, when I broke my ankle, remember in the ER,

I was like, hey, if we were in the medieval period, what would they have done to me? He's like, just cut your leg off. Would have just sawed your leg off. I'm like, yeah. That's it, dude. Yeah, look at that. 30 or 35.

Exactly, so 15 and 19, they're just like, that's, you know, that's middle age. That's so true. Yeah. But I, oh God, this is gonna sound really stupid. Go ahead. Everything I say is so stupid. Say it.

Okay. But do you think the 15 year old intellect back then was lesser than or greater than or equal to? Do you think your maturity was developed faster? At 15, you were running shit. That's wild, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

You weren't thought of as a kid. No, they never had childhoods, yeah. God, bring me back. Yeah, 15 year olds had been in the war. Yeah, that's crazy, dude. Child labor, they had no idea that children weren't just little adults, up until recently, up until like our generation.

People forget now that someone who's 18 or 19 is a kid. A kid? Yeah. You're not, you know, you're technically an adult. You're not really an adult, 18 years old. No, 28 maybe. Yeah. When do you think you got to be a human?

28? A human? You know what I mean, like an adult, intellectually. Intellectually, yeah. Late 30. Yeah. Maybe 35. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah. It's a difference between being mature and being like a real adult, you know? I wonder what it's gonna feel like when I'm super old, you know?

Cause you know, like right now at 45, I'm like, fuck dude, I feel like I know less now than I ever have because of everything that's happened in the last few years on earth, like the last, I was like, dude, I thought I knew reality and now like, I don't know, shit. Kind of feel like you don't know. Right?

Kind of. Like me personally, or the collective you? The collective, yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, these last couple of years made you go, oh, like I realized that we are, we really are on our own. Yeah. I didn't realize that totally.

I think I was like, oh. Right. You don't get taken care of. No. What's really bad happens. Oh no. Shit just happens. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I thought. I thought, oh no, this is like First World America. Surely it won't go down the way it did when my parents were in a better country. No, it does. And you're like, oh, shit's real. Very real.

Don't matter, homie. You know, look out for yourself, dog. You want to see the, you don't get to see him, the British Fed smoker? Yeah, I do. Hello. All right. A lady police officer.

What do you prefer? Lady police officer or your WPC? Just police officer, sir. Oh, same thing. Is it? Yep. I don't think so. So why is it then, if that's the case?

This gentleman here, he's got a different hat to you. Oh no, let the ladies speak. Why is this gentleman got a different hat to you? Sir, I don't wish to answer any more questions. Oh, you see, you see, stumps. It's just being a fucking asshole. Such a dick. I mean, why does, I would ask him, why does this bother you?

I don't know. That you have to, and it is like straight up to the cops. Excuse me. Their outfits are adorable though, aren't they? And the cops, by the way, are so much more polite there. Oh yeah. Have you tried to pull that bullshit over here? No, sir.

Well, they can't carry guns, right? The only have batons. Yeah, I don't know if they can't. I don't know, they usually don't, but she's awfully tolerant, but there's nonsense. Stumps. I'm not starting to. And that's the point.

So choose to answer your questions. I prefer WPC because I believe in differences. And looking at used to, there's differences. Until by the hats. Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude on anything. This is what I do. I talk to police officers. No.

You know? Cool. I put cops away. You guys look very good on camera. You know? I asked you a perfectly legit question. Yep, and I answered it. I put cops away.

What a fucking dick. Actually, I'd like to see your hat on this officer's head. How about that? Because it wouldn't work, would it? They're still talking. It's important I'm trying to make. I feel sorry for you, actually. Because if you weren't in uniform,

you'd have a lot to say. And probably you as well. Oh my God. Anyway, I prefer WPC. So there you have it. Thank you. This is what I do. How do you get a job here, you fuckface?

It's just menacing the peace. They're just standing there. Look how nice they are. They're so sweet to him. Yeah. And we crack his fucking head open like that. You could make a case that they, those police officers,

are behaving the way a police officer should be. Yeah, yeah. Which is like, you ask them something, and even if they don't like it, they're like, all right. Here, they'd be like, the fuck did you say to me? You're harassing. Let me see your ID.

You can't ask. I can ask you where the fuck I want, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're harassing a police officer. Yeah, see you later, copper. Take it easy, fuckhead. Yeah.

Fuckhead, fuckhead. We actually got another OG Fedsmoker. Let's see it. Oh yeah, this is fucking awesome. The car? Yeah. So I got a name for it? Yeah.

I don't yet. I can imagine it's Fedsmoker Jr. There you go. It ain't much, but it ain't gonna hard drive, and I don't usually fly, but if I'm still in that roll-off, I'm not even gonna make a complaint about the guy telling me, profiling people.

Put me in a fucking baby raper, you know what I mean? And that's my buddy's place. They don't want me to be a mean to you guys either. You already told me to take that Fedsmoker's shit all over the car off, because it scares him. Oh my God. Talking to the law. What's your name, brother, Warner?

Sergeant Warner. Nice to meet you. I'm gonna get out of here, man. I'm not gonna make a complaint about the guy. It's under my skin. The guy needs to tighten up. I'm a good guy. Okay.

I may not even put him on the net, as you know what, but there's no law against putting him on the net, it's baby raper, right? Well. It does go right here, baby. Fuckin' raper. Look at that hand. Jeez.

Yeah. Sergeant's like, they know they're dealing with a wild one every time they run into this guy. He looks good here. Yeah, he's got hair. Are his hands dirty or tattooed? Both, but he looks like he's like a guy that works outside, right?

Yeah. He has like a weathered. Yeah. Or he just does a ton of crystal. That'll weather you too. But at first, if I didn't know who I was looking at or hearing anything, I'd be like, this guy's done like some tough manual labor, you know?

Yeah. He has that kinda. Yes. His skin. Baby raper. Yeah, he's got those wrinkles. That cop knows he's gonna run into this guy again. He's like, okay.

And that's the only thing I do now. I don't have time to put everybody in prison anymore. I just don't have time. I have a life, you know? I like to ride my bike and do nice things, chase women. So for me to just mingle across the land, you'd be amazed at how many cops I got to deal with

in this nasty fucking country. I mean, he's just gotta hear stories in his head all day. Right? Yeah. To wanna even share this, I can't. What? That's so much. That's a candle that burned out too soon, Tom.

I know. I know. People like that thing you got working here, brother. Fire him. Just fire him. Tell him back your pencils, crayons, your chicklets, get the hell out of my office. I don't think does this.

Who makes that decision, the mayor? That's the chief. What's his name? Chief McGovern. Tell him to fire him. Tell him to just fire me. Stop the retired CI double agent guy, put some job details sometime, one day

I gotta retire, brother, okay? People like that. Never gonna let me retire, because he's a dirty piece of shit. Sorry. God bless you. What's his first name? Grant.

Grant, thank you, brother. We're done. I'm not even gonna make a complaint against him. Just telling me he needs to tighten his game up. Okay, we'll do. Thank you. We'll do. Okay, we'll do.

And they're like, hey, Sarge, what were you talking to out there? Um, sort of an interesting fella. I don't like it. Yeah. Makes you uneasy. I don't like it, yeah. See, that cop was pretty passive.

Yeah, he's sweet about it. Yeah. He wasn't like. I think it's because Herc has that camera rolling. Oh, probably. And he wasn't as fired up. He was actually pretty mellow. And he was more together at this point in his career.

You can tell the car looked together. Yeah. He had a bicycle that he chained up to the top. That's not, we saw later. Yeah, later. And he was lighting his hair on fire. Different. You've just ruined your life.

I'm a buddy. You're fired, bud. They're fired, bud. Yeah. You're fired. It's really something. Yeah. Yeah.

Special guy. Well, you call it a day? Yeah. Okay. Big month. Big month, big year. You're shooting your special that honors him. That's right.

And yeah, we got some fun gigs coming up. Yeah, bro. 2022, all me. This is the best fucking year I know. It's wild. Next month, we have such a fun date. We do? Well, the date.

The date. 2022, 22. Oh. That's so special. Yeah. There were a few, a decade ago, there was 10, 10, 10. I remember that. Yeah, that is super cool.

What are we gonna do for Valentine's? I think I want a plane. Yeah. To send you a text. I want a plane. Making that mortgage money. That's good. I'll take that.

All right, well, that's it. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. And we'll see you next week. Bye, mommy. That's a dream. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream.

That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream.

That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream. That's a dream.