Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 649 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

Welcome back to the Mommydome with Tom Segura and Christina P, where there's a Margaritaville inside! Christina visited Tom on the road with the kids and she's surprised how BORING he is on the road. We have an opening clip that really upsets Christina, Enny reclaims his hot sauce power, and we discuss peener problems. We read some follow up emails from mommies about the Texan in Russia, Victoria's Secret models, the guy opening car doors of unlocked cars, and the famous old drunk from Killarney. Christina comes up with a difficult Margaritaville-based Would You Rather, there's an incredible update on the Chad VS Chris feud, and we watch Christina's latest curation of TikToks!

Wow, soft flex, Tom. Mmm. Man. You just have the perfect dick, I guess. I guess he does. You know, I did hear that from multiple women. Stop. Yeah, they were like, this thing is.

I think it's, I love when that Chef Y.R.D. There you go. Mwah. And we're back. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house, Palmcast. Mmm. Hi, Christine.

Hi, Tim. So it was St. Patrick's Day and we got sulfated, huh? Well, it's all about the day of the drunk. The day of the drunk. Went to Margaritaville. We ordered everything. I love that their drunks need a fucking. I know.

I actually played a casino that has a Margaritaville in it in Tulsa. And were you in heaven? I mean, yeah. I was like, how many different Margaritas do they have here? I mean, Top Shelf Margs. They have all kinds of margs here? Yeah.

And you can just be here and then you can gamble? That's the best part is getting drunk and gambling together. Yeah. Need activities. I made fun of it on stage for a second and then I was like, oh, I still got to get paid. I should probably knock it off. Yeah.

You're not supposed to speak poorly about the venue until after. Yeah. I've learned that lesson. And they were nice. It was a nice. It was a nice. What part of town was it in? I was in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Oh, Tulsa. Are there Mormons there? No. In Tulsa? No. I'm thinking of. You're thinking of Utah. Salt Lake City.

Putah. Yeah. That's right. G's hometown. Yeah. Yeah. It was fun because I did Wichita right before the night before. Pinch it off.

And so and then I. Is that good? Yeah. I think pinch it off is better. But I got to tell the audiences in both cities I said like the next day I was like, I was in Wichita last night in Tulsa today. Two cities with the most prolific serial killers in history because BTK was in Wichita and Garth Brooks lives here.

And then they went crazy. They got it. They got it. Yeah. We were traveling together this last week. Yeah. I took our little jeans and our tiny jeans and we met you in Portland. Portland, Maine.

The other Portland. Right. Portland, Maine. The other Portland. And then we drove on your bang bus. You drove the bang bus from Portland to Boston. Boston massive huge tits. That's true.

And I would never had the kids on tour before. We've never done it because it's always been. Look, I know there are people that are super stoked to travel with small children or like newborns. We're going to Paris. I'm like, what? I have so much anxiety. I can barely handle a couple hours in a restaurant with these little guys.

Oh, I know because I'm more worried that they're going to freak out and ruin everyone else's good time. And then people are going to think I'm a horrible mother. That's the truth of it is that it's my own judgment. And the truth is it ruins everybody's life. It did ruin everyone's life. It was still fun. It was fun, right?

It was fun to have. It was super cute to see them. They came to soundcheck with me and they killed. Like the whole staff was laughing because Ellis took the mic and he goes, smell my beehole. And I was like, this is not that different than my material. And then Julian was like, I want to do it. So he took the mic. He just repeats what his brother said.

He's like, man, I might be. And then Ellis goes, like, take the mic and he goes, eat the trash, man. I'm like saying all this insane shit. He's like, why don't you live in a toilet? Yeah. That's my son. But he was fearless when he brought you up. He introduced me.

So that was cool. He'd used the VOG backstage and then he was like, ladies and gentlemen, Tom's a girl. Six years old. Yeah. Fearless punk as fuck. And then he was like giving people high fives. He was like, yeah. He's like, you need me to do it again?

I'm like, you're good. He's such a little punker. And then Sean, your trainer, photographer, producer, director, choreographer, he took, he was taking photographs of the boys and Julian, he got so many beautiful ones of just him like casually being at the window and this and that. And I go, did you get any of Ellis? He goes, no, that kid won't sit still. He won't sit still.

Until Ellis stood on his head on a chair and was upside down. And Sean was like, oh, he's standing still finally and got a photo. I thought that was so funny. There's a backstage monitor, which is like a speaker. And I get off stage and Sean was like, you're youngest. Julian went up to the monitor and was yelling back into it because it was like, your voice is coming through and he was like, hey, yelling into the monitor. So funny.

Yeah. So that was cool. But it was cool to see the bang bus and where you guys bang chicks. And then when we showed up, you guys pretended like you didn't ever do that stuff. And we put all the cocaine away. Yeah. Yeah, that was kind of cool. I totally had that paranoid wife thought because like I show up and it's like you guys are

all insurance salesmen. It's like there's nothing fun happening. I'm like, are you guys even comedians? I'm being serious. And I haven't even said this to like, I haven't told you in private, but like I get on and it's, you know, my two little kids and we're the first time we saw you guys in Maine. We get on the bus and I was like, what the fuck are like, we're here. And you and like all your, your staff were just like, hey, everybody was just, hey.

Yeah. And I was like, okay, this is a very serious serene vibe. I'm not going to ruin their vibes. But I was very surprised. And then I thought to myself, oh, they're putting on an act of being like, oh, we're just boring on the road. We don't have fun. Yeah.

We put, like you said, the cocaine is somewhere else. Okay. The hookers aren't here. I mean, there was a pre arrival speech where I was like, Hey, the family's coming fucking dial it back. Yeah. I was like, pretend that, you know, we just sit here. That's what I, that's what I thought.

No. That's what I thought. No. You know what the truth is? Everyone's just fucking tired. I know. That was week two of a two week back to back run. Let me tell you, we only did five days with you.

Yeah. I was wrecked. Yeah. You even messaged me. You're like, Jesus Christ. It's horrible. Yeah. It is.

It's a very, very stringent schedule. Like you literally, you do like two shows, get on a bus, drive for hours in the middle of the night, three AM, you get into a hotel, maybe sleep. Cause now that's two foreign beds that you've been in one night. It's just horrible. It's a horrible life. It's a lot. So I love you.

I'm just glad cause when you do all that stuff and then I get to buy expensive sweaters. I'm like, I'm really thankful for all this expensive stuff that I get to have because you do all that. Yeah. Thank you. Um, it was exhausting to have the kids there though. Oh my God. Jesus Christ.

Cause you know what you didn't realize? I realized it after like the third day of you guys being there, I think, was that on the road, like the way I'm touring, you spend your day just conserving energy and conserving mental energy. Yeah. Cause the only time you like, I expel like physical energies when we work out and then the, and then the performance, which is actually more mental than physical, but you're mentally like all day.

You're just like, you know, you go to breakfast, you get a car and then you go for a walk and then you're like, oh, it's good chill. Yeah. Let's just take a casual stroll or a nap. Then you end up napping. And what happens is that little kids, they just, you have to put out the whole time. You're just like, don't break that. Don't throw that.

Don't touch that. You're going to die. Like you're, you're doing that. Like all day. So by the time it's showtime, you're like, ah, like you feel like you're going to die. You know, yeah. I mean, I don't know. I've never been that tired.

Oh my God. I mean, and look, I, we, uh, yeah, it was, it was me alone with them for five days and not like hotels. I mean, I was like, I, I almost had a nervous breakdown because I think it's too, it's the tantrums like when the three year old starts to freak out. Yeah. It's not, it's not a sexual role. It's like the free, it's the freak outs.

Freak outs. Yeah. Freak outs, freak you out. I know. Some of our friends are comics travel with their kids all the time. It's crazy town. And then they'll do things. I'm always amazed at comedians that can do things during the day.

Activities in general. Like, Hey, I went, uh, driving a race car, driving, and then we went to a museum and then, well, you did that one time. That's one time. But I'm saying like. We actually, and it, it fucking, my brain was still shaking when I was on stage. And I was like. Yeah.

Cause it affects your ability to perform. Yeah. And it is exhaust. I'm thoroughly, I'm now feeling normal. Yeah. All right. Let's, let's open the show. Yeah.

I know a lot of stuff to cover. I got a great opener for you. Oh. I think you're going to like it. Okay. You ready? Yeah. Here you go.

Just so y'all motherfuckers know, I am not pregnant. I'm just getting fat. I'm 41 years old, can't have children, stop thinking I'm getting pregnant. I was fucking with my mojo, leave me all the fuck alone. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. I'm sad. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

Tom. And Chris. And Chris. And Chris. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom. And Chris. And Chris.

And Chris. Peter. And Chris. And Chris. What are you thinking? That was great. That part, that made you LOL. So hard.

And then one of my friends. Okay. Knows somebody who got a job with this person, with this lady. Wow. Got a job at the same office. And the friend said that on day one. I don't know what planet you're on right now. What is going on?

On day one. She walked up to this person. Yeah. It's their first day at a job and goes, God, my back hurts. I feel like I got fucked on a wood floor. Hey, I'm Carmen. Now I want to see that tick tock. That's funny.

Well, I don't like that you didn't have teeth. And it bothers me. Why? She's like, I'm 41. I'm getting fat. Like you're only 41. But hurt the way that 41. But see, that just goes to show that not having teeth really ages you.

I don't think it's just the teeth, but I mean. It affects your whole face, you know. Yeah. Yeah, she's affected. Yeah, that's a good call. I'm getting. She goes, fat. She really pronounced it, you know.

I can't believe you think this tick tock is funny. And then mine. Y'all motherfuckers know I am not pregnant. I'm just getting fat. That's so depressing. And like her face is clearly sunken in and hollow. She's not fat. Maybe the body is.

The body. What? She's not fat. I agree with you. I'm just saying she maybe for her normal self, this is fatter than she normally is. Yeah. Okay. I can't believe you didn't love that clip.

I didn't. I don't like. So for me, it's a very, it's a specific alchemy of what I like in a tick tock. Like some of them are too sad. Yeah. And then I can't find joy in it. That this one would skew too sad for me. That is insane.

Being that you are the messenger of sadness. I mean, your curations are some of the saddest things I've ever seen. Oh my God, there's so many. Way sadder than this. And I've recently a ton of sad ones have come in. Like it's been a rough week. But hold on. Yeah.

I don't like that. I don't like this one. This person, if I worked somewhere and this one was there, I would make excuses to talk to her every day. Wait, where do they work that you can have no tea? That's not in customer service, clearly. Anywhere? Anywhere?

You're allowed to have no teeth? No. Of course you can. If I were in HR and Carmen showed up and she didn't have the perfect smile. What? Are you talking about? I mean her dentures in and she didn't have her dentures in. They can't be like put those teeth in.

Well, I wouldn't, I wouldn't hire Carmen. That's a different thing that you wouldn't hire Carmen. But hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We're not talking about what's preferable. Right. I understand.

But I'm just wondering in your job history, have you worked with somebody that has no teeth? Yes. Which career? In Granger. It's a good job. Yeah. What did they do at Granger? They worked in the warehouse.

Okay. So that's behind the scenes. Yeah. Because I've worked in many, I've worked in the service industry. I've been a waiter, waitress. I've worked in a cannery. I've worked in offices. It's not.

I've never worked with somebody without teeth. It's not like they go, it'd be really great if you didn't have teeth. But you're still allowed to, you know, get the job. I've seen front desk people who have fucked up teeth. Yeah. But just none of them? I mean they're allowed to have the job. None of them is a choice.

Yeah. It's an extreme, you know. I like that Nadav has teeth. But if he didn't, you know, he'd still be able to work here. No, I mean if he were interviewing, I'd be like, I met the guy. I didn't like this. He didn't have any teeth. You know.

That would be a thing. I'd be like, why didn't you put them in for the interview? Put the perfect smile in. Yeah. Like get the dentures that you can buy. That's true. I don't know. Look, obviously we differ.

I don't, I'm not sure why we're disagreeing on this topic, but I feel like. Okay. Well, let's go back to. Can I debut something first? The greatest holiday that just passed? Go ahead. I'm going to do a YMH debut exclusive. Are you guys ready?

Oh, you're going to do an exclusive. Oh, shit. You got to get me ready for something like that. Hold on. This is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive. Thank you, Tom, for that thoughtful intro. You guys have known me.

I wear glasses for reading and I've recently got a new prescription and I got new frames and I thought I would debut them on the show. This is the YMH exclusive? Okay. Okay. Well, that's kind of exciting for me. I was very excited about them and I was waiting eagerly for them to be done. Yeah.

You don't think anything's more exciting than new glasses? Yeah. Okay. Ready? Yeah. So these are for when I do the show. Wow. Very nice.

Look at that. They're not as thick as the other ones. Those are very nice. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Thanks guys. You like those?

Okay. And then I got these are called Graduals. What are these again? Gradations. Progressives? Progressives. Right. You can read here and then you look for it.

Is that what they're called? Bifocals? No. Progressives. They're called Progressives. What are Progressives? Yeah. I read like that and then I go far away there.

Multiple fields. Yeah. To be incorporated into a single one. It's really exciting. And how about, and he's got a hold and look like he just won a slam poetry contest. What's up, baby? It's hostile. You know what I'm saying?

You spicy as fuck in here. Yeah. That's what you say. Yeah. Homie. Yeah. And yeah, the shades. Those are nice.

Thank you, man. Yeah. I'm just, you know, I'm trying to follow my main man, Bert. He likes to reclaim his power a lot, you know, by not drinking for like a couple days. That's what you're doing? I'm doing the same thing. I'm still, I'm drinking, but I just, you know, I'm making hot sauce part of my lifestyle. You look like you're really feeling like swag on a thousand today.

Like I really feel it. I appreciate that. Yeah. Oh my God. You know what I just realized? He's dressed like the Sriracha bottle. Nick. The cap is the top of the Sriracha bottle and he's wearing his Sriracha shirt.

It's the whole thing. I was like, what's the beanie about? Like I get the shirt and now I just put it together. That's really clever. You're like, why is it green? Yeah. I guess it's a weird look. Dude, he's really embracing his hot sauce lifestyle.

He puts thought into his choices, you know. What's up? Yeah. Wow. I'm trying to be like you guys now. Trying to be spicy as fuck. Looks good. There's a hot sauce is the best shirt in the store now.

Yes, of course there is. There should be. Yeah. It's really nice. It's pretty rad. Yeah, we didn't have one of those in the studio handy so I tried to make my own thing work. Oh, it's coming. It's coming.

It's coming. What do you mean it's coming? You mean like... It's being shipped here. Yeah, you're going to get one. You're going to get one. Oh, okay. You know, there's all kinds of stuff coming.

All right, man. Maybe I'll be a Tapatio bottle next. I don't know. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah. I like Tapatio. Hot sauce is the best.

You know it is. You know what else is the best? Sex is the best. Hot sauce is the best. Hot sauce is the best. Hot sauce is the best. Sex is the best. Hot sauce is the best.

They're both the best. Okay, okay. All right. I get it. I get the joke. I got the joke. I wonder where you're going to dress up like for the next episode. Oh, yeah.

There's only one type of sex suit I can wear. Uh-oh. I don't want that. By the way, by the way, I was thinking about it. It just occurred to me that like any dropped his big problem of having a large penis on us. Do you realize that? No.

Like two episodes ago, he's like, boo-hoo. What was me? I have the biggest dick. Really? I didn't say that. I said, because you guys asked if we would add inches to our dick. And I said, no, because I think then it would be like paint. Like it wouldn't be a good thing if it was bigger.

Bigger. Too much bigger. But it is kind of like a soft flex. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. No pun intended of being like, if I had more money, I don't even know where I'd put it. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. I see you. Yeah. That's fair. It felt like he was a little, like a little braggy. But I mean, it was the, it was a clever way of doing it. It was either completely unintentional or, you know, a very clever way of doing it. He's like, guys, I have this problem.

My dick is so big. It's not. It's not. It's not. Check the taste out. And then he started crying about it. What are your measurements? Just go ahead.

Oh my God, man. I've already told too much about that. Have you given them before? You've given them on the show before? On the show? No. No. I'm just saying I've given everything else though.

That's true. That's like the only thing I fucking motherfuckers don't know about. Million ass niggas. No way too much shit. Hey, yo, man. Yeah. Way too much. Okay.

Okay. So you'd like to keep that to yourself? Private. That's the only thing I got left, man. Okay, okay. The only thing I got left. Okay. I'm sure you'll get it out of me too.

I'm sure. It's going to be some sketch. That's going to be the new fucking drop at the beginning of the show. God damn. Because you're right though in that most men do just say like, I'll definitely take more. You know? Yeah. Because like, I can't.

I'm all full. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. Like I couldn't possibly add another inch to this big dick. Yeah. And I was like, and I didn't want to point it out in a moment because I was like, I wasn't sure if I wanted to take it there.

Yeah. And then today you're like, I will take it there. Yeah. Because then I saw like a meme. Somebody had done a meme on his big dick problem. Oh. Your big dick problems make our dick soft. Oh, that's right.

That's not the meme. But I just think like, and then I was like, oh yeah, that's his problem in life. I think everybody else said they would take. Yeah. And a dog was like, I would take more. No. Chad said he's good too. Right, Chad?

What's up, baby? Well, I think the question was, would you change anything about it? No. Do you want it bigger? My reasoning was a little different than any's. Mine wasn't, you know, oh, it's too big. It's more like I've known it for so long that I've become kind of a master of my craft. I wouldn't really want to, you know, change it in any way.

Respect. Respect, Chad. I respect that answer. Any or any. Nadav, you change? Yeah. Yeah. Solo?

Sure, why not? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't, yeah, if I could change my meow, there are things like that. What would you change about your meow? Well, two children have blasted out of there. It doesn't look the same as it did.

It looks the same. Not to me. Really? I mean, I noticed these things because I knew, I know what she looked like before two kids exploded out of her. You know, I'm like, bro, I pushed my bladder out through my cervix. You know what I'm saying? Like, I fucked some shit up down there.

I hear you. I've had two appease-yotomies. What would you change about my dick? That's really what, that's really who people should be asking. Stop. No, that's really, they shouldn't be asking guys, they should ask the girl. I know. What would you change about your guy's dick?

Well, I'll tell you this. I didn't marry any of the guys before you for a reason. Hey, now. Nice. Because those dicks weren't good enough for me. Uh-oh. Wow. Soft flex, Tom.

Yeah. You just have the perfect dick, I guess. He does. You know, I did hear that from multiple women. Stop. Yeah, they were like, this thing is... I love when that Chef Y.R.D. It was great.

It's magically delicious. Thanks. Your dick is the best. Yeah, but if I still had an option, I think like... Say Tom's dick is the best, Danny. No, he's not doing that. Hell no. Hell no.

You couldn't pay me enough, though. Tom's dick is the best. I hate you all. No, but it's true that every... If you offered me, like you can do the... It'll just be magically different. Offer to do your penis or my vagina? No, my penis.

I'd be like, throw another inch on it and then give it a little more bulk. You know, a little more girth. Why not? But then, like Chad was saying... He's right. I understand. I also, if somebody was like, here's an experimental thing. It might work.

I'd be like, I'm good. It works. Everyone seems to be happy. I'm fine. Well, because also, I mean, to Chad's point is like, what you have is what I'm used to for like 20 years. That's true. And the other thing is this.

I don't think I ever... If something like porn didn't exist, like if I hadn't seen so many dicks, I would never think to be like, oh, I need a bigger dick. I'd never think that. I swear I wouldn't. I'd be like, what? You know, it works fine. Because you see porn.

But the porno guys have abnormally... Some do. Some of them don't even don't. But I'm saying it's like, it's seeing guys do it. Yeah. Of course, some have gigantic ones and you see that and you're like, Jesus. Actually, some of them, I've seen them in porn where I've been like, I don't want that. That's too big.

I don't want it. Well, there's freaky. I've seen like freak dicks where I'm like, that's not... I don't want that. Yeah, of course. And nobody... I mean, I don't want that inside of you. They look like weapons.

Some of them look like... Or like weapons. Or like... Yeah. Like a torture device. You know? Yeah. Like they're like, holy shit.

It's like an abnormality. Like a guy's dick. It looks like a grotesque abnormality. But then some you're like, God, that looks delicious. I mean, like it looks cool. It looks cool. You know what I mean? It's stupid.

It's stupid. Yeah. Anyway. Nah. I've been thinking about it and I wanted to bring that up with any. Yeah. Well, what I will say is I've always said, and I asked on the first Drew show that I was on, if I could make the flaccid dick bigger, because that is a...

I fucking hate that my flaccid dick be like a motherfucking nothing. It's like a... You're a grower. You're a grower. Yeah, yeah, but it's the worst. I don't know. I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes for me, I'll be like, this looks like a peanut.

And then you're like, come on. Let's put it a little... I think, by the way, isn't that what the advertised dick pills do? I don't mean Cialis Viagra. I mean, when they're like, make your penis bigger. Aren't they actually selling flaccid? They're just opening your capillaries, right? So that your flaccid state...

Because you know your flaccid state has different states. No. No, like sometimes you're like, I have a good hang today. Right. Like you're... Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? You're like, this moment, I'm not hard, but it's like hanging better.

Yeah. But it's nice to show, yeah. You'd be like, you could look at it now, right? Yeah, yeah. Right. So isn't that what those pills are selling? I've always wondered, is that what that is? I don't think so.

I don't, yeah. Really? I mean, that would... I mean, I'll let you know. I mean, because they say in those... Because Cialis Viagra... You're talking about the gas station ones? Yeah, or even the commercial ones.

I bet you Chad knows. Cialis Viagra is erectile dysfunction. There's an ad, like Jimmy Johnson used to do the commercials where it was like, make your penis bigger. Like, not... Do you have trouble getting an erection? Make your penis bigger. But I think with that, I always interpret that as, oh, I think they're selling make

your flaccid state appear bigger. Not your boner. Right. Like Viagra makes your boner bigger, right? It lets you have a boner, or a boner on command, basically, right? I don't know. I don't know. These are all interesting dick questions, and I know there's a urologist out there listening.

Yeah. I mean, I tell you, well, I'm definitely going to do some research for you. Probably tonight. Oh, really? If that's what it does. I mean, dick pill city, baby. Come on, that's it. I'm trying to get this flaccid dick looking way better.

Yeah, flaccid is a real... Yeah. It's fucking worse. Chad, do you have any insight in this? Chad, what's the science? I would have to also do some research. But you understand what my assessment is. Yeah.

One gives you an erection, and the other one kind of gives you more volume in the regular dick. Well, you know, as a woman who enjoys dicks, I don't care about what the flaccid hang. Really? Because I know that's not... Every girl says that. And I believe it. I believe it.

But it just feels... It's true. It feels that way. That's your guys'... It is true. But I'm saying it's all... It's in your... Yeah.

Flaccid. And it's really small. You're like, Jesus Christ. Do you feed yourself up? You're like... Oh, yeah. You're like, I'm just going to tug on this thing for a second. Give it a little bit of...

A little weight to it. Yeah. I used to joke. You know what joking is? Joking is you just sit in the fucking shower or whatever, and you just milk the dick. It was an old... Like they said that it's supposed to make your flaccid dick bigger. You just sit there.

You just do that just continuously. I used to do that as a kid. I was like fucking 15, just sitting in the shower. To show it to somebody? No. It's supposed to just make it... Oh. Just overall bigger.

Yeah. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. I did it for at least a year. It doesn't work. It's such a waste of my time. Yeah. Jeez.

Shit. But yeah. That's a huge problem to have. The dick problem. As a woman, I'm glad I don't have that. I mean, we have periods and stuff. That's the thing about it, too, is that there are people listening, watching, even not, that have really small ones.

Yeah. And there's nothing you can really fucking do. There's nothing you can do. You just have to get to a point of acceptance and pair up, match with somebody who that's a match for, which there is somebody. Yeah. There is somebody for you. There's a lot of women that don't like penetration.

But we get it really in our heads. I know. You know? Like everything becomes about your dick size. That's so interesting. Yeah. And, well, yeah. It becomes an obsession.

I mean, at least in a time period in your life, when you're entering puberty and you're becoming sexually active, you're like, what the fuck do I do? I mean, you know. Yeah. But then girls get obsessed with our boobies and our bodies and how fat we are, how not fat we are. But there's like this thing where it doesn't, I mean, I guess I'm going to wait. Dicks define your masculinity.

They define it. And the truth is, you know, a guy, I mean, they might like big tits more, you know, something like that. They don't really, some guys really don't care, you know? Yeah. I mean, there's some guys who like that's their, for sure, that's their thing. But for the most part, I feel like they never really care. Yeah.

I've found in my life that males are so forgiving of women's, what we perceive to be flaws. Oh, my God. Like most normal guys don't give a shit. And the narrative, and I've learned this, is that women are more forgiving, right? And then it's actually bullshit because you know what, like if a guy, it really is. If a guy goes like, I don't know, I don't like girls that like, I don't like big girls or something like that. Everyone's like, you're a fucking piece of shit.

Like they'll just slam the guy, right? Yeah. A woman is allowed to be like, don't talk to me if you're under six feet. Oh, that's true. And it's like, it's such a shitty, like you can laugh about it. But what about like, you know, you're so you're just going to like cut out this segment of the population. Yeah, they're not tall enough for me.

The funny thing about that is that most guys, if you've dated a little bit, you've been out with girls who are 5'1", 5'8", 5'10", and you're like, yeah, you know, you vibe with who you vibe with. I never was like, she was short. No, I've dated short guys. I've dated a couple of shorties. Yeah, I just, I think it's kind of funny that we don't point out the hypocrisy in that. That like,

Well, there's a power dynamic, right? And I generally hate to point out this kind of stuff because I feel like it's an overused argument. But as the whatever in the mating process, the women have the pick of the litter, right? We control mating. Yes. No, I want you. I don't want you.

I want to make babies with you. I don't want. So we, we hold the cards when it comes to reproduction. I would say this though, if you're a man and you're, you know, under six feet and some woman says that shit to you about, you know, oh, you're not tall enough. Yeah. You're gonna crack her in the fucking knee and say, who's tall now, stupid, you know? Okay.

So I, although my argument may not work anymore because I was watching a documentary about, about how people are dating and courting now. And because you can just swipe on humans, like boys now hold the cards a lot more because now men can be like, oh, bitch, you don't want to fuck me. There's five other bitches in this neighborhood that wants to fuck me. Whereas you used to just be relegated to your geography. Now, yeah, he can fuck and the girls are putting out, that's just what I hear. I sound like an 80 year old person.

I don't know. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know. I get what you're saying. The pressure to put out without knowing somebody, I think is a little bit more, I don't know. Back in my day, he had to take you out. And just make sure, make sure you check that bitch if she says something like that. God damn it, Tom.

What? Just letting them know. You can be encouraging these guys. That's all. Jesus. But you know what I do tell our sons is don't, don't date mean girls. Yeah, of course. Don't marry a mean girl.

Make sure she's nice to you the way mommy is nice to daddy. She cooks for you. She takes care of you. She's sweet to you. Yeah. Mean girls ruin your life. Mean girls are the worst. Yeah.

Nice girls don't give a fuck about this stuff you're talking about. That's true. Good nice chicks don't go like, oh, you're going to be fine. And honestly, the chicks that I'm talking about are not desirable, like that's not a person you really want to be with. They're bitches. And those are shitty girls. And they're going to end up sad and fucking alone.

Of course. They're going to be on these dating shows and they're going to say things like, my standards are just too high. Nobody's good enough for me because you're a horrible person. Nobody wants to be around. You crazy? That's why. You're wildly insecure.

Yeah. This is why no one's dating you. Yeah. Because you have high standards. You don't bring that much to the fucking table. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody hurt Tom in the past.

No, no, I'm just saying you smell, you smell like garlic and you got, you're not that impressive. And I'm just. You smell like garlic. I'm just trying to, I'm trying to stand up for all these short kings that are watching. Okay. Now let's uh. It's so stupid. You tell me that all the time that my mouth smells like garlic early.

Flavors. Yeah. Cause I eat, I eat spicy flavorful foods. I can't taste anything since I had COVID. You know, you do like a lot of ethnic tastes. I like ethnic foods. You know, I don't like make this too serious, but there is a pretty serious situation going on in, um, in Eastern Europe right now.

And a surprise, a surprise supporter of Vladimir Putin, um, that totally went over my head and I just want to point it out real quick. By the way, I will hardcore drop everything to party with Vladimir Putin. He's putting that out there too. Hardcore. When I'm in Russia, I will go out of my way to, if he says me and you are horses, they shortly say a dacha. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd be like fucking fight you bitch. Let's go. Wow. I didn't know that. Disappointing. So on top of being fat, racist, has sex with animals. He looks cute here.

He does look cute. Has this an old clip? Yeah. Yeah. It's not from like 91. It's from like 16 months ago. Well, let me put my, I have a, so apropos this discussion. Yeah.

I have a great email here. Oh, you do? Mm-hmm. Remember that guy who went over the Texan to fight for the Russian team? Yeah. Yeah. I have some intel. Okay.

Hey guys, just finished up on the recent podcast and heard you mention the guy in Russia. Boy, could I give you a deep dive on this guy. Dude got a dad boner in 2014 and joined the separatist movement in Donetsk, Ukraine, and eventually became a Russian citizen. The guy literally wrote a book about it, but it seems close to a manifesto. Obviously, he's from Texas, okay? But he's actually a fugitive wanted by US Marshals. Look this guy up under the moniker of the Donbass Cowboy.

Come on, try it out. Other than that, love you, Jeans, keeping it high and tight, and oh yeah, Annie, you are right. There you go. Here we go. Stand up. This is Jeans. We're both done.

This is Tejas on the front line with the D-Nazi fires and liberators of Ukraine. These guys are tough. These guys are ready. And there's plenty of them. So far, Russia has used about 10% of its military power. And we're getting ready to bring the hammer down. These guys are going to save and liberate all the good people in Ukraine to the best people.

Boom, kick their ass. There you go. Nice. Wow. Yeah. Um, D-O-N-B-A-S-S. If you... Oh, is a photo of me here, the Texan?

Huh. Okay. What's his name? Russell... Russell Bentley. Russell Bentley. Oh, yeah. Nice.

Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Nice. Nice. Okay. Russell Bentley. Okay. The Russian army is going to liberate. Yeah. That's an interesting narrative that they're liberating from Nazism.

That's what Putin said. It's just a completely made up thing. Yeah, it's... It's pretty wild. Well, so... Yeah. Um, all right. Well, he seems like a really cool guy.

Yeah. That's cool. I could see you guys going on a date. You don't think so? No, I would. You would? Like, here's the thing about me. Entertaining.

Yeah. Be a good guy. You would, Tom? Yeah. Is that I've never had a type... People are like, what are your type? What are your type? I've never had a type.

However, I've always liked like beardy bears. Yeah. I've always... I do gravitate towards like... Sure. Men. You know? Uh, but I would...

I would give him a shake. Like, seriously? If he were like intelligent and funny... Well, you... I mean, I think you can see what's going on with intelligence. Yeah, no. Maybe not. I like his hat.

I mean, it's a cool leather cap. The fact that you would give this guy a shake is fucking... If you saw my dating, if I could show you pictures of every dude, you'd be like, this is wildly diverse. Really? Yeah. All right. I've been with, you know, the tall, lanky, Russian Jew.

I've been with the Puerto Rican, little tiny Puerto Ricans. Yeah. Asian. Yeah. Chinese guy. Yeah. True. And the...

Crackers. Floring. No, the goth guy. Oh, well, that. Yeah. Jewish. You keep pointing that out. Well, because that's the...

You have to describe people as Jews, right? Catty. What? Patty. What's the question? I don't know. Uh... Diverse.

I've only had one cracker. Mine was kind of diverse. Go ahead. I mean, well, I guess it's not that bad. Brunette. Blonde. Blonde. Blonde.

We're talking about, like, slam pieces, too, right now. Ah. There's a number of blondes. I mean, you could definitely see what my preference is. But, you know, I gave some dark hairs a little go at it. And then I slept with some, I mean, a black woman, an island woman, an Asian woman. Island woman. Yeah.

You know. I don't fucking know her name. Um... Can I read some more emails? Sure. Just depressing. Okay. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna die. Okay. I wish I hadn't brought this up. There's so many follow-up emails. Thank you guys so much for sending these in. These are very important hot topics. Go ahead. Uh, this one is about follow-up on, uh, you know, holding, uh, shedding for fucking.

Oh. Okay. I mean, it needs... Hey, Tommy and Tina, 24-year-old dumb broad here. Once I felt a shit coming on as things were getting steamy, but decided to clench my cheeks and continue. Right as things were coming to a climax, it jumped to a 10 and a little turd squeezed through.

Never taking the chance again. We're still together, but I wish my butthole was as strong as any, hot sauce is the best. Wow. That's gotta be such a mortifying moment. Terrible. Particularly more for a woman, even. I think for a woman, it's tough. I mean, it's rough for anybody, but I think for a woman, it'd be more mortifying.

Uh, so this is another email. Listen to YMH, uh, very important topic of holding your shit to fuck came up, and I'm here to tell you, it's a dangerous game. I never told a soul this and will never again, but I played that game and lost. I was with my first new woman in 20 years post-divorce, and we went hard drinking and fucking the night before. The next day we met up again, and I had a serious, I had serious bubble guts from the tequila.

Like a soldier, I pushed forward all day holding that devil shit in. Then we start doing it, going at it again, and I'm going to town with a stamina I had never had before. All of a sudden, I smelt shit. I thought one of us leaked a fart. No big deal. If I finally made white all over her triple D slut tits, and we just laid in bed for good 10 to 15 minutes.

When it was finally time to go, I got up and noticed the shit had leaked out of my what you call it asshole. Oh no. And it had formed the outline of my ass cheeks on her bed. She was cool and acted like it wasn't a big deal, but I knew when she called me back she wasn't the one for me. I won't be with anyone who's okay with someone shitting on their bed. What a dick.

I'm real. Anyway, just be careful out there when you need to shit where the dude's at. That's an old reference. But this actually supports my math. It sounds like these people were pushing through eight, nine, and 10. That's true. Because you said a seven and under is where you would stand out. I said seven's a max.

Yeah. And a seven is like, hmm, you could maybe if you sat down, you know, it's not like I'm holding this in. Right? That's like, I could if I sat. Not. You, I know you're saying. Yeah.

Yeah. If you make it happen. Yeah. If you manifested that shit. These people are fucking wrong. You can't have a diarrhea. Oh, it's a nine. Let's see what happens.

They're going to shit. That's what's going to happen. What else you got? Here's another follow up. Apropos our discussion on our worded models. I was recently watching the podcast and have some input on your Victoria secret model debate just for a refresh Victoria secret as its first down syndrome model. Who's also Puerto Rican.

So it was like a double play, if you will, for diversity on Victoria secret. And we were saying that we don't like the idea of somebody who maybe doesn't have the decision making faculties to be objectified sexually. Right? Our argument. This woman writes in my younger sister has down syndrome and growing up with her has shaped my perspective. I can say that my sister is wanted to be just about anything, everything, a doctor, a Disney

princess, ballerina, but never have I heard her say I want to be a lingerie model with my experience. This makes me very uncomfortable seeing a down syndrome model. It's hard to say whether she fully understands the typical role as a model. To me, it feels more like Victoria secret looking for some good PR rather than empowerment. Obviously, it's wrong to sexualize this woman. And I feel that she was led into this without understanding truly what modeling is in our society.

PS, the censorship of retarded is retarded. My sister has down syndrome. And I can say that 90% of people use the R word harmlessly and the need to censor it is ridiculous. So there you go. So happy that she supports my argument. Nadal, are you telling him to edit that out? Oh, I'm so surprised that the tone was so good.

Yeah. That was a great email. It was a very good argument. Yeah. Grounded in truth and reality. All right. Anything else? Do you want to read this?

This is the lawyer chiming in. We have two different lawyers chiming in on opening car doors. So we asked whether or not it was illegal to just open somebody's car door. And then lastly, we'll go into this one because this one's just my favorite. All right. What's up, my king and queen above? Oh, yeah. This is the fucking with locked doors thing I was saying, right?

Yeah. Yeah. You got your car door? No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

There's a big line moving people's seats. Right. Right. It's a crime. What the hell? Right. I haven't read this yet. He's a menace.

He's annoying. He's a douchebag. Bingo. You're an asshole. Bingo. What are you doing? No bro. Like are you 13?

No. You thought falsely the same too? You thought the passengers are the same? You got it. And that, this is what I said. Show your face. You kidding? That's what I said his big mistake.

All right. I'm going to be opening doors, moving the seat of that would constitute a crime. In the state of New York of Kings County, Queens County, that would be a crime pursuant to penal law 165.05 for the unauthorized use of vehicle in the third degree, a class A misdemeanor which states a person commits such offense when he knows that he does not have the consent of the owner. He takes, operates applicable portion, exercises control over, rides in or otherwise uses a vehicle.

As expected, Todd has a bigger brain and is correct. Wow. From one Tom to another Tom. All right. Very nice. Very cool. So it's a misdemeanor. Yeah.

I mean, he's just crazy though. That means that enough people have done it that there has to be a code of fight. Yeah. It's funny. What's your. Oh my God. So this one's great. So apparently some YMH fans went to Ireland for vacation to the town of Killarney and

they ran into our favorite guy, the thick Irish accent guy whose name I don't even know. Okay. That guy. Right. So fucking amazing. For those who will never have the joy of meeting him, here's what I can say. So this is, this is like the real intel. If you guys don't know what we're talking about, just real quick.

What do you think makes it a great town? All right. Okay. Yeah. That's a tour surround. It's great, isn't it? Yeah. That's great, isn't it?

Yeah. So, okay. So here's some fun facts, five real facts about our friend, the drunk, ready? Yeah. Number one, yes. He is surprisingly still alive, which that is actually very surprising. He's outlasted many of the guys on this wall. So that's a huge thing.

Yeah. Number two, he smells like cigarettes and Guinness, which is probably not surprising. You would have imagined that. Yeah. Number three, him and his two friends sit in one of two bars, O'Connor's and Jack Sees all day long and just stare at the TV watching infomercials. Someone was advertising some kitchen device for making soup and I distinctly heard him yell out, I got a lake soup.

He likely has to eat most of his meals in soup for him, given his lack of teeth. Yeah. It's very few teeth. I don't think you would hire him to work for you. Probably for other reasons too. Number four, it seems like nobody really understands what he's saying. I asked one of his friends at the bar that sits here with him every day what he's saying and the guy turns to me and says, fuck if I know.

So it's not even like, oh, I wish I get it. People are like, this guy is fucking a mess. Yeah. Universally, nobody understands what the fuck he's saying. Fuck if I know. Number five, after re-watching the clip of him on YMH, I can clarify something. He's asked if O'Connor's is the best pub in Kalarney and he definitely replies, quote, I move around between O'Connor's and Jack Sees.

You thought he was saying he just jacked off, but he likely just came from Jack Sees where maybe he just jacked off. Oh. Keep it high and tight, Evan. And he also, photos are enclosed with our YMH. Oh, okay. A horror. And is this your regular spot?

We're in O'Connor's bar. Jack Sees, O'Connor's bar. Jack Sees, John and Jack Sees. Okay. I move around. He moves around a lot. I move around a lot. He didn't even get.

The guy didn't even get that. He wasn't like, oh, you go between Jack Sees and he was like, you move a lot. He barely put it together. Fucking A. I will say, though, that he is very well dressed for a drunk. I would agree with that. I mean, he looks dapper. That's a little stretch.

It's a little far. The guy's dressed better than we are right now. Put together for a drunk. Yeah. Yes. He's in Margaritaville every day. There he is. There he is.

There's Evan. He's dressed nicely here. He looks great. Yeah. This guy's existence is to be drunk. Isn't that crazy? His whole life. It's Margaritaville.

He wakes up in Margaritaville. That's what he is. Yeah. He just goes and he sits at the bar and they watch infomercials on there. God. But I mean, what a lucky find to stumble upon this. I wonder what I would do. I would pay to talk to a doctor after giving that guy a physical just to be like, what's

going on with this guy? You know what I mean? Can you give him a physical and let us know what are the effects of this much drinking? I know and how bad it is. But he looks OK. He doesn't look that bad, actually. I think the secret to his success is that he's skinny. He can't be a fat drunk.

Yeah. He's still skinny. He's got some of his teeth left. Yeah. Skin's OK. Yeah. You know what would be great is if people could do a YMH world tour. And in every city you get, you meet up with another YMH thing.

This is Kalarney. It's a... Hold on. Hear me out. Yeah. You go to New York City. You hook up with Robert Paul Champagne. He's your tour guide.

You go to... Where does Tony Johns live? Utah? Yeah, some of these are not that safe. So speaking of drunks, can I do a would you rather with you? Of course. OK, are you ready? Yeah.

So I came up with this because I became obsessed with our Margaritaville discussion. Yeah. Because I... You know what's interesting as a couple is you and I have been together for so long. I thought we discovered everything that we mutually hated. And then we stumble upon something new. Oh, right. And it's kind of exciting.

It reinvigorated our relationship a little bit. Discovering our disdain for Margaritaville. So this is my would you rather apropos our discussion of Margaritaville. Ready? Mm-hmm. OK. Would you rather... Every time you want a drink, any alcoholic beverage, you have to go to Margaritaville

to drink. God, damn it. OK. But you can drink anything. You can drink the wine. You can have the high bar whiskey. They have what you want. Whatever you want.

But you have to drink it in Margaritaville. Is there one nearby? Yeah, there's one downtown Austin. OK. Which is easy. So like, but it's literally like I would love a glass of wine with my steak. Well, you have to go down to Margaritaville. Yeah, do it in Margaritaville.

And you have to listen to the music and with all the drunks and everything. OK. It's a pretty good chance already. I'm just done drinking. Go ahead. Or you may drink anywhere of your choosing, any location. OK. However, it has to be one of the fun drinks on the Margaritaville menu.

So it's only like the Alabama Slamma. Yeah. The Tequila Sunrise Sunja. Whatever. You're allowed to drink. You can only drink the blended, awful drinks. You can't get the wine. You can't get the whiskey.

It's got to be the ridiculous, the ridiculous blended drinks. Like just five different sugars. Yeah, here we go. Here we go. Here's 40 different Margaritas. Oh, watermelon. The town top shelf, the last mango in Paris. Feeling hot, hot, hot.

Fins to the left. Hold on. And you bring this menu with you, print it out to any bar and you're like, wait, can you recreate this? This is my favorite. Can you make a sunset cruise for me, please? I'm thirsty. Can I get a bootlegger?

But you know what makes me laugh? Booze in the blender. Go ahead. But you know what's so great about this? I like that you can take home your 22 ounce souvenir blender cup. So you have to ask for one of their boat drinks, their booze in the blender. It's like, I want the five o'clock somewhere. Oh my God.

And then the bartender naturally will go, well, what's that? Well, it's Margaritaville silver rum in Paradise, passion fruit tequila. Can I get a lightning strike? Or a Bahama mama. I like incommunicado, which just suggests you don't want to be able to speak, you know? Can you make me blackout drunk right now, please? It's a sandy shandy. And you're like, you're in every city and you're out with your friends after this show.

And you're like, you got to make me a lightning strike. Yeah. Well, I think I quit drinking. I really do. I knew you'd say that. Yeah. I think I would just quit drinking. I mean, I don't think it'd be that hard.

If those were my options, I'd be like, I don't drink anymore. I think this might put me off of alcohol too. Yeah. Because I would hate to go to Margaritaville because I just drink wine. Yeah. I would hate it. You'd have to go there to get it. Fuck that.

Yeah. I'd rather just stay sober and feel my awful feelings. Yeah. A zombie. Yeah. Margaritaville silver rum. So that's another thing. They're selling you the brand of alcohol, right?

So it's Margaritaville silver rum. What is that? Yeah. It's their own branded dog shit. You don't even know what that is. Yeah. Yeah. This is horrible.

All this is hangover juice. Yeah. I need to laugh. Uh-oh. Let's look at something funny. What are you doing? Holy shit. Holy shit.

Oh, fuck. You didn't laugh at that. Not a bit. That person is not. Can you describe to the people just listening what you saw? I mean, a Jeep Wrangler on the beach took a hard angle, hauling ass. Rolled over a couple of times and then the roof came off and a person flew out of it. It seemed like they were going in slow motion for a second.

They were like levitate. Yeah, it was really cinematic. Yeah, it was kind of cool. That's really cool, Tom. I think they're fine. I think it's okay. You should. It's fine, yeah.

Yeah. But you should wear a seatbelt. That person didn't have a seatbelt on. I don't think. Unless the seatbelt got ripped in half when the roof fell off. Oh, my God. Yeah. Can we see another clip?

Let me read this real quick. This looks like it's going to be cool. Oh, yeah. I sent that one in for you. Holy shit. Yeah. I mean, this is rule one of construction sites. Rule number one is a hard hat.

I don't think his head got hit. It fucking hit him in the side of the face, man. I thought it like bent him. I thought it was more like a back type of thing. Yeah. But what would a helmet have done? I mean, it would have braced some of that impact for sure. He's probably smashed his skull, no?

I mean, this is not in the US. Definitely not. That is rough, man. Yeah. I don't know. I think the Jeep was funnier. Oh, I like this one better. Really?

I prefer this one, yeah. Because I can see that he stood up. That's why we play the clips, you know? Everybody has a different taste. Everybody has a different taste. Yeah. I thought that was pretty cool. Also, to weigh in on the conversation we were all having here.

Some people weighed in themselves on this. This is a crayon. I get crayon. I see it. I know how it's spelled. But it's a crayon. When you're a kid, you play with crayons. Crayons.

Crayons. This is a crayon. Yeah. Crayon. Two syllables. Okay, this is an orange crayon. Crayon is how you say it. This is an orange crayon.

Done. This is a crayon. A crayon goes on your head. It's a crayon. Yeah. This is a crayon. This is a crayon. I'm supposed to say what this is.

It's a crayon. It's a crayon or crayon. Done. All right, I say crayon. This is an orange crayon or orange crayon. Which one? Probably the first one. That's a crayon.

Without question, it's definitely a crayon. I remember him. Yeah. Busby. This is like a news team. I know this guy. You know him personally? I met him in like 2004.

You dated? Oh, that's fine. I mean. Busby. He's a weather guy. Cool. What was he like? He's hot.

Yeah. I agree with him. It's a crayon. It's a crayon. Yeah. The funny thing about that is I didn't know that was a debate. We just discovered it on where my mom's at. I didn't realize that people were saying that differently.

I didn't know it either until I think I said it and then you guys were like, what did you say? No, I said it. I said crayon. I said crayon and you're like, what are you saying? Yeah. I'm like crayon. No, no, no, crayon.

Yeah, it's crayon. One thing's for sure though, no one said crayon, right? No one said crayon. That's wrong. That's stupid. Well, actually one of those girls did say crayon. No, yeah, yeah. She's saying that nobody heard it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the one thing that I think we all agree on. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. Speaking of exclusives and whatnot, we actually have a pretty exciting thing going here because you know how we had the smart-off? Yes. Who can forget?

I've been thinking about that too. It was really something, right? It was amazing. A back-and-forth battle. Blood was on the ground. Yeah. And ultimately, we realized that Chad's the smartest. Yeah.

Well, it's completely shifted the dynamic in YMH studio genes now. Oh, yeah. It's been great. Social dynamics so different. Chris Larson's like. And yes, I'm a loser. Yes. We were talking about, of course, the battle for smart.

So we have a couple of things here. Obviously, the talk around the office is that these guys are not just playfully talking shit to each other, Chad and Chris, that there's some bad blood. And you probably saw that on Instagram, Chad recorded a song. I saw this. Wild. Really? It really is wild because I was just doing my scroll and I was like, what is Chad going

to sing? What's this? My fucking not. Yeah. I mean, I lit up. Here it is for people who haven't seen it. This is brilliant. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. You're a bitch, Chris. You're not too smart and you're only getting done for every day. You think you're right? You just a dummy. You think you're right? You're a big fucking dummy.

Don't be a Chris girl. You're not too smart and you're only getting done for every day. You're a big bitch. You think you're smart and you're only getting done for every day. You're too smart. You're way too smart. You're a bitch, Chris. You're a bitch.

Oh, fuck you. Wow. Now wait, Annie, did you know you were a part of this song? Yeah. Yeah. Chad, he asked me to put some backup vocals. I told him, yeah. Wow.

Team Chad, baby. Team Chad. Oh, man. What? You're taking teams now? I mean, look, man, the office is divided. I gotta choose something. Wait.

I'm trying to just sit on the sidelines. Wait, what do you mean? You're not loyal to the guy you've been working with for a while? I'm working with. I mean, we barely even worked together, you know what I'm saying? Like, I work next to him. I say more like that than with, you know? Wow, I didn't realize.

Do you feel the same way, Nadav? I'm team Chris. He's always been my moral barometer and I don't waver. You've always been talking about how great, I mean, a good guy Chris is forever. You could say Chris is my hot sauce. Chris is the best. Chris is the best. So you want team lose is what you're saying, right?

Team L, that's who you want? God. Oh, I see. This is vicious. No, I'm used to it. Chad, what motivated you to write the song and record it? Well, Chris was talking a lot of shit last time on last round and I kind of let it slide. I was like, I'll let the results speak for themselves and I did.

I won. So I was just like, whatever. And then I watched it back and I was like, this guy's calling me a little bitch on the show and I just couldn't abide any longer. So I just, first of all, I just know that this is great. So good. And what a great song. And he did it so seriously at the end of, fuck you, Chris.

That's the part that really sealed it for me. Has Chris seen this? Yes. But I have something. I have something that Chad hasn't seen. What? Yeah. We have...

This is a YMH exclusive. Oh, wow. First the glasses and now this. It's a, it's an early release of Chris's April video. No. He does one video a month. Yeah. And people usually wait, they cannot wait to see these.

I mean, these are like, you know when like new Jordans drop and you're like, why is this line around the block at Foot Locker? Yeah. Same thing. Same thing. He breaks the internet every month. It's a month. So anyway, here's his April release.

Oh, wow. Hey everyone, it's April. So here's my monthly post. Quick birthday shout out to Tristan, who's birthday is on the 10th. Happy birthday Tristan. Hope it's a good one. Yeah. With everyone coming back into the office, thought I'd give you a few office tips like

be on time. Listen to people who have been there longer than you because they probably know a lot more and have a lot to offer. If you're going to do an office prank, you know, make sure it's actually funny and not mean because that's how office views get started. And if you're going to, if you think you're smarter than others and you know, maybe don't talk about it so much because people don't like that. And especially if it's the only reason you think that is because you answer a few random

trivia questions correctly. Yeah. And definitely don't write a song about it either. And if you do write a song, you know, be original. Don't like parody of someone else's work. And yeah. Those are my office tips. See you next month.

Bye. Wow. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is going to another level. And here's the thing. It's, if you had asked me, who do you think is the least likely to be violent? Larson.

I'd be like Larson. 100%. Chad. And now I'd be like top of the list. Top of the list. I just, we've seen a whole different side of Chris Larson since we've moved to Austin. 1000%. First of all, he's wearing a new sweater in that video.

He wears the same outfit pretty much every day. He trims his hair and he's got this fire in him now. It's almost like when someone, you thought was a certain way starts dating someone and you're like, what's going on? I know. Your whole personality shifted. So Zolo, I've asked him to collect some intel. Zolo, what do you know?

Tell us about this feud because we don't get to see it as much. What are we missing here? I mean, it's a lot of this every day at lunch. A lot of shit talking. Wow. A lot of, hey, who's smarter? And I mean, everyone's kind of getting in on it. Everyone, anytime anything comes up.

Is the origin of this that, that when Chad came in, he was like, I'm going to do things this way and not this way? Like, is that the, is that the or like? Yeah. Like, did he come in going like, I'm doing things my way? I don't think so. I think Chris just felt intimidated because there was another smart person in the office for so long.

He's been able to hold that title. Undisputed. I don't like that. And he's like, I'm not just a big dick, you guys. But that is true because for the longest time, Chris Larson was our moral compass. Like, whenever we would be like, wait, is this messed up? And Chris would be like, yes. Yes.

And he was the smartest person. And then Chad comes along and it completely changes the dynamic. Here's what we're setting up because this is just building and you can feel the blood boiling. And, you know, I mean, I'm thinking about hiring full time security for the office, like inside the office. They've both agreed to another contest. Amazing.

Yes. Because Chad is the champ from the first round. Sure. Chris wins more of that smoke and they're going to do it. So next episode, we will engage in a smart off, a final one. Is this it forever? Well, I actually, I guess it can't be because if it could be, if Chad wins, it'll be two and 0.

But if Chris wins, then they'll be tied 1-1. I will probably win. Oh. That's my boy right there. How much are you willing to bet? Like, what's the... I'll take some action. Oh, of course.

And the devil takes some action. Wait, what do you think will happen? One thing for sure. I'd put money that it's going to be contested by the losing party. But I mean, I think Chris is going to get it. You feel like he's going to come back on this one. Yeah. Chris is one of the best redemption arcs of all time.

Yeah. And I think that's what we're going to see. And what does he think there? What do you think as well, though? You think it's going to... My money's on Chad. I can't tell you something. Chris Larson is smarter than most of us, yes?

Yeah. But I feel like because Chad just came out of the academic world fairly recently. Yeah, maybe he's exposed to it more. And he reads books a lot. I mean, he reads books... I think Chris reads a good bit too. I've never seen him read. He reads.

I don't know that he came. He's talked about books he's been reading. He definitely reads. He just, you know, he keeps his books at home. Yeah. He doesn't read at work. Oh, Jesus. Wow.

Well, I would like to tell you what I think is going to happen. But since I'm calling this broadcast, I can't. Anyway, it's very exciting. I'm a big fan. I'm so happy. So what's at stake here? Well, I mean, first of all, it's just bragging rights. I mean, that's kind of like the biggest thing.

And then I think... The title. I think there should be like some type of punishment to bear for whomever loses. I agree. I mean, some shows would offer rewards for winners. Yeah. Not at your mom's house. Yeah.

We offer punishments for losers. Yeah. And this is primarily a comedy show, obviously. Yeah. So why don't we maybe pay respect to one of the great comedy voices of all time? And what we'll do is this is a good idea. Yeah. Whoever loses has to rock a Charlie Chaplin mustache for a day.

Yeah. Charlie Chaplin, one of the greatest comedic talents of all time. Absolutely. Great influence on it. I mean, he was the biggest movie star for a while. There he is. There is the mustache. The Charlie Chaplin.

On that way. What about the eyebrows? The grease paint eyebrows? Oh, yeah. Maybe do those. There he is. There he is. You got to walk around like you're Charlie Chaplin all day.

Yeah. That would be a good one. That would be fun. That is a good, that's be hilarious. And everyone's going to be like, who do you think you're fucking Charlie Chaplin over here? Yep. Yeah.

And you know, some people, like I said, be motivated by positivity. Yeah. Ours is don't lose. It's fear. Don't lose. Fear. Don't lose. And yes, you want everyone to think you're one of the great comedic voices of the 1920s.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't wait for this. That would be fun. I'm a little concerned that you're trying to take my title away so quickly. I think there's a level of wanting to protect Chris around here. Oh, not for me, baby. Not for me.

Cool. I mean, any is 100% on your team. I know this guy and he's not, he's not putting us on. He's really on team Chad. Yeah, man. I got, I got a hundred on it. Mr. Nduk. Ooh.

What's up? Well, I'd also like to say that, you know, Chad, I don't want to force you to like do anything that you don't want to do, but you not participating will mean that you resign from the contest and that does mean that you're the loser. So you will need to do the mustache if that's what's happening. Okay. Yeah, that's fine. So if I win, I think it's fine.

But if I lose, I think it may or may not be a conspiracy. Oh my goodness. I think the seeds of doubt early. No, why would you, how would it be a conspiracy though? How? I think they're feeding him the questions behind my back. That's not possible. That would be unforgivable.

No, we don't do that here in Studio Jeans. That would be unforgivable. You're not doing that. No. You want, I'm sure, I'm very ethical. Yeah. No, that's, you have our word, Chad, that is not happening. It sounds like he's saying, I don't know what these J's are up to.

I didn't want to say that, but that's what that sounded like to me too. No way. I want a fair fight. A hundred percent. Who would it? I mean, when it's over, I'll even tell you in secret what I think. I don't want to influence anything. On who you think's going to win?

How I think it'll go. Okay. And then you save it. Anybody's game. You'll know that I'm telling you the truth. But it is really anybody's game because last time we ended up going into like citizenship questions. That's government.

Maybe Chad happened to know things. Well, you never know what somebody has specialized knowledge. I know. That's what I'm thinking. There's a question about, you know, flying and know that you didn't know someone took a couple of flying lessons. You know what I mean? Like there's just things that you never know what someone has experienced.

But the secret is retention of said knowledge. It is. And it also is for smarts, it's diversification of the questions. It's not just one field of questions. Right. And we've made sure to diversify the questions this time around. I took a quick peek at some of the questions and I was like, oh, yeah. Big fail right here.

Yes. I'm a real dumb dumb. I wouldn't know any of them. Yeah. So. Yeah. Anyway, let me see here. Let me look at this.

That would be one. I mean, so far I see one question I may have gotten. Correct. I'm looking through two questions. I can get correct. There is a variation, which is good. Three. I would get correct.

Four. Okay. Very good. Very good. I'm very impressed. And I think it's going to be a really, a really good content. No, I'm so excited for this. I love this.

Yeah. I love this. What? Why are you getting that? Chad's ready. He just rubbed his palms together. Oh, yeah. I mean, I love this.

I love that Chris Larson is fired up, that he's got fire in his belly, that he's like going to fucking, you know, I've never seen this guy. I've never seen Chris this like. I know. Energetic. He's wild. He wasn't like this in LA. It's good.

I want to show you something. I don't know if you want to see something cool. Yeah. You know what I keep thinking is like she's going to have to drain that whole fucking pool. You think she's going to drain that pool? Disinfect it. You think she's draining the pool and disinfecting it? Dude, how nasty are-

She's just going to splash that out. I know Annie would break up with her right there on the spot. Oh, done. Killer. But how nasty- See, that's why you don't do that shit. That's why you don't do that shit. Fart?

Nasty as- Yeah, exactly. Stop farting. You know what comes next, right? Why are you trying to do that? You know. But this makes me think of public pools and how fucking nasty- Of course.

Disgusting. How many people's shark and public pools you've swam in probably your whole life? Yeah. Yeah. Or like water slide parks? All that is is sharks and piss. Yeah. I know, dude.

I mean, it is a miracle that you don't just get pink eye automatically from going to like raging waters. And just get- I mean, you probably- Some people probably do it and get sick. Hey, do you have a good time here? Yeah, until I got fucking sick. This lady's shit in the water.

Fucking meningitis. I drank it. Yeah. Wait. Can I tell you a story? Yeah. Bitch, here you go. Bitch, here you go.

So, Sarah Tiana, comedian friend. Yeah. We went to Afghanistan to do stand up for the troops. Yeah. Right? Yeah. She came- We came back.

So, in Kandahar, there's a sewer pond in the middle of the campus there, the campus, the fucking base. And it churns the sewer. Shit. It's essentially like a churning shit fountain. Mm-hmm. It puts shitflex in the air in Kandahar. And we didn't think-

I didn't think anything of it. I was like, you know, doing one thing. She came back and had meningitis in Atlanta. And the doctor was like, how did you get meningitis? Like, the only way to do this is like, if you like, inhale shit. She's like, well, matter of fact, funny thing. That was in a little place called Afghanistan this weekend. It was inhaling shitflex.

Yeah. Disgusting. Isn't that wild? Wild. I'm amazed that, you know, everybody on the base doesn't have it. I don't know how. Yeah. Anyway, go ahead, Jeans.

All right. Yeah, it's tour tour tour nonstop tour for us. I'm fucking never stop touring until 2028 when my tour winds down. Coming everywhere. Coming everywhere. People keep asking me about, you know, this city and that city. They're all coming, man. International dates are coming.

It's amazing how much you're touring. Europe, Australia, Asia, South America. You're going to be on tour, too. Well, that's the thing. You're coming everywhere. I'm coming to very select cities. Yes. Because I'm taking care of our children and they usually come with me, which is nice and

fun. April 1st and 2nd, I am in Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone. Comedy Zone. And then I'm April 13th here in Austin at the state side of the Paramount as part of the moon tower. And then May 3rd at the Regent Theater, Los Angeles, California. I'm so excited. As part of the Netflix is a joke comedy festival.

May 6th and 7th, many Apple tits at Acme come on your comedy club. And then Sperm Vine, California at May 20th and 21st at the Irvine Improv. Your blood is not much stinking, bitch. June 4th, Atlantic City, the Borgata. And then June 5th, Boston, massive huge tits at the Wilbur. Wow. I can't. Look at the color of the spears.

Yeah. And then August at 12, 13th, Cleveland, Ohio, Hilarities. Sex and the best. Yeah. And then October 6th, 7th, 8th, Gashville, Tennessee. Who is that one? That's what's it called? The Terminate?

Cut a cut a cut? Yeah. That guy's amazing. Anyway, christinapeonline.com for tickets. I was gonna say, christinapeonline.com. Get your tickets. Get your tickets. Get your tickets.

I like women. Bro, like women. Yeah. Real quick, I wanted to compliment you. Pretty much every day I land in your stories. And you have been, your talk game has been really impressive. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I feel lately less sad, more amused, laughing, you know. Well, you know, I think, I think what happens is the algorithm changes as humans go through phase, you know, and like, there's, it's a collective unconscious thing. Sure. Part imitating life. 100%. Like when the Ukraine thing happened initially, people were bombed. Nobody was making good content.

Now I'm finding people are getting happier again. Even though the situation isn't resolved. Correct. Americans forget so quickly. Yes. Good. Yeah. We don't care.

Let's, let's start looking through some of these. Cause I'm gonna be in a fight to win. I'm gonna get it. I don't care about my bitch. You don't get to ask her about me bitch. It won't be pretty. Right. And try to say why girls can't fight.

You come for me and y'all, you come in from both of us. And if you come from both of us, then your ass is grass. Period. Right. You're gonna be right off my armor bitch. You come for her. You come in for me. My bitch.

And that's all period. Bye bitch. Very good talk. Is that great? Very cute talk. Yeah. It was neat. I would not expect the girl on the left to be quite like that.

Like what Tom? Just cool. Chill. Chill. Interesting cadence. When she speaks. I know. So embarrassing.

So embarrassing. Hey y'all. Oh this guy. Maybe he keeps reporting my shit and getting my videos took down. Took down. I don't really give a fuck. Yeah. Just take my whole goddamn account tiktok.

It's yours any fucking way. You on it. Bye. It's a good attitude. The thing is I think he does care. Well that's the thing. He does care. I mean he's making a post about it.

He's like I don't care. But he clearly does. Because he's drinking Bacardi and he's very upset. So I thought it was interesting emotionally. The arc that this talk took. And that he has no teeth too. Another perfect hire for you. Is this guy your tour manager?

Is this who you're going to hire? I see you have a point. Is this your opener? I'm just saying that no teeth is usually indicative of other issues. Of course it is. Or at least a choice to record yourself without them. Right. You can have no teeth but usually you'll be like oh I'm going to make a video.

Let me get them real quick. Pop them in. Yeah. Yeah. He's only 41 too. Speaking of teeth. Isn't that wild? She's got three rows of teeth.

Like a shark. That is jacked. She used to get some pulled. No. That is fucking fascinating. I would love like more video, more photos and like a whole explanation of what the fuck is happening. Yeah.

It's like her teeth have teeth. I mean. Pretty cool right? Yeah. I kind of want to see what her chewing capacity is. Yeah. Like she can eat faster than Bert. No.

Yeah. Do you think that enhances her eating ability? Like her chewing abilities? Yeah. Like can she tear through ribs and steaks faster than you and me? Wow. I know. Isn't that rad?

Yeah. It's amazing. I mean I hope. Is she in a dentist's office? I hope she's getting this like taken care of or something. No. She's just showing you what she's got. I want her to get taken care of.

So do I. You know. Priority number one. I feel like her whole life will change. I feel like your guys' motto has always been like go broke fixing your teeth. Yeah. Teeth first. Yeah.

Teeth first. That should be the next shirt. Teeth first bro. Teeth first. And equality begins after your teeth are fixed. That's so true. There's no excuse at bad teeth in this generation. Okay.

Where you're from race, religion, gender. You get your teeth fucking fixed if you want to talk to me. Yeah. Yeah. Well and now. And now. And now you can get those Invisalign braces. You don't even have to get metal braces and be all embarrassed anymore.

I mean she needs major dental surgery. Major problems. Yeah. Yeah. No. She needs to get like one layer of teeth removed first. Or two layers of teeth. I want to know what this is.

That's some, some disorder. Yeah. I'm sure. Like. Do you ever feel violent? Yes I do. What do you feel like doing? Killing people.

You still feel like killing people? Yes. Describe the feeling that you get when you feel like killing people. Well last March 11th. I was hallucinating. And I took a razor blade and I cut a man's throat. Here in the hospital? Here in the hospital.

Do you think it murdered me Joe? Yes. That's gruesome Joe. That's horrible. Yes it is. And you don't blame me if I say I hope you never get out of this place. I hope I never do either. Yeah.

Not a lot of eye emotion right? Not a lot of blinking. Yeah. And his teeth aren't good either. He doesn't have great teeth. But look at that. Look at the eyes. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot. It's a window into the person you know. But he's cute. I date him. You would date him. You said you like bearded big guys.

I like aesthetically this guy is kind of my jam. Yeah. You know. I wonder if there's, I wonder if he's still around. This looks like pretty old footage. Yeah. It's old. It's herald old.

I know. I would set up a meeting for you if you. Oh this guy? I mean if I could make it happen I would. Isn't it crazy that girls will write to these clowns? Yeah. Oh he died in 96. No.

What was his name? Joseph Callinger. Yeah. Did he kill a bunch of people? Was he a serial killer? I thought you wouldn't. Zolo says yes. No.

Yeah. Sometimes you just feel it man. You know you just feel like doing it. I get it. Yeah. But what do you think the attraction is for the woman that wants to date these guys? Show the guy that he's lovable. Oh like I'm going to save you.

Yeah. I'm going to make it normal. Oh see he's had some fellow back then. Yeah. What's the, what's like the wiki on him? Let's get the actual, here we go. Just scroll here. All right.

And. Ugh. Oh he tortured. Three people and four families. Oh families. He later committed crimes with his 12 year old son. Jesus Christ. What's our body count here?

What are we looking at? He was arrested in 72. And he had scored 82 on the IQ test. 82. It's not so high. It's not high. Paranoid schizophrenia. Yeah so.

Check. His kid was found dead in the construction of two weeks after he was taken out of life. His policy, oh so he probably killed his son. That's pretty cool. Does it say here if you scroll down a little more? They killed three people. Oh. I mean, you know.

Big deal. Three is not, does not a serial killer make, right? Yeah I think three is like the. You're just kind of a pesky guy. Yeah you are a pesky, a pest, right? Isn't that where pesky? Yeah you're right. You're kind of a menace.

Yeah. But you're not a serial killer. And a pest. Yeah a pest. You're bothering people. Yeah they're bothering me. Definitely a knucklehead. Yeah.

Big deal. Right? Well that's too bad you don't get to date him. Yeah I mean I do like how even he is. I'm 58 and single. I'm looking for a new girlfriend. Anybody interested? What's wrong with that pitch for a woman?

Why doesn't that resonate with you? Because it doesn't give additional information like we always say. Just being 58 and single doesn't make you interesting. Like that's okay. What else do you have to offer me? I see you like cool sweaters. I see that you're into bangs like I am. Your hair is pretty cool.

Your hair is kind of rad. Yeah. I bet you like music but I don't know what kind. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me something. Yeah. Good call.

That would be my first advice. That would be my first advice to go. I do hate me. That cat fully chops her arm. I thought that was pretty fucking amazing. She's cute. It's funny. Yeah.

That was really adorable. Fighting her arm so hard. It's so hard. Cats are so mean. Walking down the street pretty woman. I just thought that was a fun little ditty. You didn't enjoy that? No.

Pretty woman. You like that song? I like that song. Walking down. See this doesn't make me sad. Would you rather watch the first video, the opening video or this lady? I'd rather watch that Jeep Wrangler rip in half. Oh my gosh.

I mean I thought this was funny. She has a good sense of humor. You know what? She's so biased. I'm trying to shame her. Let's move on. Look at him. He's so sweet.

Oh my god. Look at that. Oh my god. Oh my god. Is that his winking? Yeah. Oh my god. It's like the size of his body.

Oh my god. What do I do? Do I let him keep going? Oh no. Finish him off. Oh my god. No. Oh my god.

Down, Brillo. Down. It took him long enough to pull it down. I'm really strong. Yeah. What do I do? Do I let him come on my arm? Is that what she's really asking?

I mean I like how like that armadillo knows that this is the right kind of chick to do that too. That armadillo is like, she smells like vanilla. Big fake eyelashes. Spray tan. Give it to me. You know what? You know what I think is true, like the faker and fuller the eyelashes, the crazier the

chick. Yeah. Like full fake eyelashes. And the scent of vanilla. And vanilla, yeah. Is there a horror around here? Like we just know right away. And a French pedicure.

Yeah. Yeah. A black French pedicure. Whoa. I would run the other way. If it's black, you got to run. Because that's dirty, dirty bad. She's got STDs for sure.

Like white just means she's definitely going to jerk you off. She's a hooker, yeah. But I like how she's like, should I let the armadillo just come on my arm? Yeah. What do I do? Let him come? She's like, I usually do. Usually if a guy's got his dick out, I just let him come.

Yeah. Like no, that thing weighs what, 10 pounds? Just flick it off of you. Move it away. It's as big as a cat. I like how she needs another guy to be like, don't let every guy come. She needs permission to not let an armadillo come on her arm. Oh my God.

I would throw that thing across the fucking rim. Uh-oh. Oh my God. No way that's real. No, it's not real. Okay. And in fact, I posted this on Instagram stories and it got flagged because it's not real. Oh, dangerous.

It's like, yeah. I mean, your heart stops for a second. Yeah, it's cool, right? Oh fuck. That was pretty cool. Great. Hi. That's in Florida, of course.

The sign is great. Our dogs climb trees. They are fine. Oh yeah. Cause people are calling 911. I'm sure. And by the way, they wrote our dogs DOG apostrophe S, which is grammatically incorrect. Our dog is.

Our dog. Yeah. All is. If you're going to go to the trouble of printing a sign, you may want to spell check it first. So I tried to find the original talk so that not without the reactions, I couldn't because it's been it's been dueted or whatever. This is so many times. Yeah.

I mean, it's pretty amazing. It's incredible. Yeah. For people not or just listening, there's a woman with no arms, like no arms who leaps runs and leaps onto a pole with her legs and it's fucking and holds on, but you don't get to see really what she does next. But yeah, I'd take it for a ride for sure. You don't think that leg game is probably out of control?

Probably out of control. Yeah. She probably has to use her feet to do everything your hands do. Okay. Yeah. Let her go wild. Yeah. I think she could really.

She probably has incredible dexterity at this point. Oh yeah. Those feet are like hands. They're like hands. She can probably eat meals and like. Make you come. Yeah. For sure.

Yeah. She could probably like play the piano and shit with those feet. Probably put one toe in your butthole and the other one. Yep. You know. Gosh, no, I want to fuck her too. We got to find this chick, Tom. Let's give her a call.

Hey, you fucking find her. We got a double teamer. Was it feisty girl or something? Well, that's the thing. It's been dueted so many times that I don't even know what the original talk is. God damn it. Because people really took to this. You guys fucking find her.

It's she's pretty rad and she's in good shape. She looks good. Yeah. I'm a fan. All right. Let's go. I was just that felt so warm. I know.

Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening and we will see you in two and two. We'll see you next time. Bye. What's up there? FACE. That's my girl. My guy.

That's the turn on our ride. Fuck you. FACE. That's my girl. My guy. I can never get. That's the way you do it. It's how I can cry.