Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 650 - Chris Distefano - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

Main Mommies Tom Segura and Christina P are hungover from a night of hardcore drinking! Any nurses looking to get into a relationship with a cool guy? We discuss the need for a perfect smile, pigs from Tunisia, and how models these days are getting grosser. We talk about Burnt Crystals, take a look at a wile video instead of text from a cool guy, and we see what Kevin Samuels is up to.  Then Chris Distefano enters the mommy dome and can't believe how good everyone looks! Check out his YouTube and/or Netflix special for something the day this drops! Chirssy Specials drops some news on a brand new standup special he's releasing, we get an update on Titi Jerry and Chris's dad, and we discuss the best homeless populations. Then, Tim runs Chrissy Hypotheticals and Christina through his four levels of hell. What are your answers? Then, we run Chris through all the heavy segments he's missed!

He goes, I saw you grow up, you were my job. And in his mind, you know, again, this is, I know, it's a home run, it's a dip. No, but I know it's like a different woke world now, whatever, and I'm not saying I'm like this, but my dad's thing is, he goes, you played sports, you got a hot wife and you're not gay. For him, that's a big win.

What? Em, chamesh, arba, shalosh, shtaym, e baruchata, armeh. It's my bar mitzvah, it's my bar mitzvah. Good morning, J-Dog, how are you feeling? Doing good, T-Dog. N-C, N-C, N-C, dog. He's so skinny.

I know. He looks great. You look great. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you, appreciate it. What, have you not been eating five pound laffas? You've been...

Yeah, you know, I've been laying off the wing stop. That's gotta be hard. Yeah. It is, well, I mean, I think I told this to you off mic, but it started hurting the right side of my stomach whenever I ate it. For like two or three days. Oh my God.

Yeah. I was like, I don't think food's supposed to do that to you. It's definitely not. It's definitely not. It's not supposed to be three days of pain after you eat something. So I listened to my body, I cut that out. Isn't that funny though, how now you realize it?

You're like, oh yeah, that's not good for me. Yeah, you know what I used to do when I was 26 and depressed, because I just didn't know what I was doing with my life? I would eat an entire pint of Haagen-Daz chocolate ice cream every night and then be in excruciating pain because of the gas. It would get trapped under my ribs and ribcage. And then I'd do it every night and like, I can't,

I can't sleep, but that ice cream is good. I would eat like that and fucking, you know, whatever dessert and then bacon, cheeseburgers, waffles. And I'd be like, I don't know what's going on, but I keep getting it. Wait, I think it's my metabolism slowing down. It can't be what I'm eating. It's not.

It's like that, what year was it? We were our brokest and we were eating Traders Joe. That would be 2007. Yeah, the year before we got married. Remember, and we, what were we making? Souffleys, chocolate souffleys. You meant how much did we earn? I'm like, $100?

Remember when we had our taxes done that year and then he goes, you did okay this year. And he points to me and he goes, you, I don't know how you're alive. Yeah, yeah. That's how poor we were. And by the way, okay, for me, he was still like... How much were you making then?

I mean, it was probably like in the 40s or something. Like it was like, you know, you can make a living. Yeah, and then he looked at you and he goes, I don't know how you're alive. I think he made 12. Yeah, he's like a grand a month, isn't good. So struggling. I know.

And I know there's someone out there who's like, hey, that's what I make. Make more. Try harder. You're poor. Guess what? But remember, okay, so that's... This is why you're fucking poor.

You're a fucking bomb. But remember, okay, so today there's Joe is tasty, but it's not healthy. Like the span of Coppita, I would make that every day. Yeah, Traders Joe though, hooked us up. I mean, meaning... That's a lie. Yeah, and I all respect to a Traders Joe

because you'd go there and you have your fucking $28. I mean, you come back with a shopping cart. I know. And some of that shit was real tasty, man. Real tasty. They're frozen stuff. Those frozen chicken burritos. I would get those.

Oh, I'd do every day. That was dinner. That's so true. I forgot about your burritos. You love those. I love those frozen chicken burritos. And then they had like a sauce in there. It was really good.

Yeah. Then they had like this little appetizer. You know, I forget what they are, like a little puff pastry. So fatty. It was like... So fatty. Oh, forget about it.

And that's when the building manager, his wife came over and like, can I try that? No, they didn't even ask. We're like, would you like that again? Just ate the whole thing. She ate the whole tray. That was our last box of spandex copadette too.

I was real upset. I tricked you one time. Do you remember this? There was Traders Joe also had frozen chucky souffle. Yeah. And there was one left. And you go, I want that when I come home. And I was like, okay.

And so I purposely opened it, ate it. But you didn't know I had a, I went and bought a second box. So that when you came home, you found an empty wrapper and you were like, did you eat this? And I was like, yeah, I don't give a shit. I remember that.

And you were like, I asked you. I was like, don't care. Yeah. What a flex. But then I gave you the new box. Wow, you really forget. Oh, you know what I used to love? Those Italian square cookies.

It goes wafer, chocolate, wafer, chocolate, wafer. I used to fucking eat the whole bag of those. It came in like a navy, like a midnight blue bag, right? Italian. Yeah. It was all Italian. God damn it.

Everything made me so fat. You know what's the sneakiest? Their trail mix, the heavenly one. Yeah, yeah. With the peanut butter chips and the chocolate chip. It's like, that's like 5,000 calories too. Good for you. All these memories are coming back right now

because we're super hungover today. So hungover. We had Snusie last night with our friends, Sean and Aaron. And then I drank way more than I normally drink. And you ripped so hard. You were snoring so loudly that I just, I didn't even try to stop it.

I just surrendered to it. And I was like, oh, he's fucking wasted. And I just went downstairs and I slept on the couch and I was so happy. I didn't even try to roll you over. That's very nice of you. I was like, I just let it go. I woke up so thirsty.

Like dying for water. It's so horrible. And I'm like such a headache. I have such a headache today. It was worth it though. That was really fun. It was worth it. But we drank like five different types of alcohol.

It's like sake, wine. Wine, gin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were like the kids say, you turned the fuck up. Yeah. You want to open the show correctly?

You ready? Yeah. I knew we were wasted. We were talking about world affairs at one point. Like what's NATO? I was like, oh no. Yeah. When we start talking about smart people stuff,

we're really fucked up. Yeah. It's no good. That's true. All right, let's go. Okay, here you go. There you go. Heck, I'm looking for

a female video gamer. Cool. Xbox video gamer. It likes to listen to music. All kinds of music except classical, like Mozart and Bach. That's no good. Likes the vacation.

Cool. Likes fitness and as a nurse. Oh. So I'm looking for a nurse because I got a lot of medical issues. That guy's the best. That's pretty cool.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Kristina Kudzinski. Kristina Kudzinski. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah. Meow.

Meow. Meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow. I'm very excited because I know some nurses

and I got really excited when I saw this because I can be like, I want to send them this clip and be like, hey, are you looking for a potential suitor? Yeah. Here's your guy. Because they took care of me and I'll be like, I've been thinking about you. Here you go.

Yeah, here you go. Yeah, what's really neat is like, I think you should have led with the nurse thing first. Maybe lead with your health issues. Yeah. I was kind of deceptive. When he's like, I'm looking for a nurse. I was like, oh, it's like a kink.

And he's like, no, I have a lot of health problems. That's really it. And I kind of could tell that. You can? Just by his general demeanor. Yeah. He doesn't look healthy. He's like, I like you to be into fitness though.

Yeah, you got to be into fitness. Me not so much. What a demand. Yeah. I need you to be a 10. I'm looking for a nurse because I got a lot of medical issues. So hot.

That's every woman's dream. Do you think of a nurse watch? I can't wait to show a nurse. I was like, oh, yeah, this is perfect. This is exactly why I went to medical school. Well, yeah, you want to take care of people all day and then come home and take care of your spouse. You know?

Ooh. I'm in the game. I'm a nurse. You think he has a diaper? What are his medical issues? I like to vacation. And he's like, good, do you have any points on your AMAC? I am.

Yeah, he doesn't vacation. Yeah. Likes to vacation. He likes it. But he doesn't do it. Specifically, I don't want you to be into classical music. Yeah, that's true. I forgot about that.

It's really interesting. No Bach, no Beethoven around here. That's an unusual one. I've never heard somebody, because to admit that you don't like classical is kind of admitting that you're dumb. Because classical music is often associated with being intelligent. Yeah. So you're basically like, I don't want no smart talking, no good stuff here, all the

dumb shit. What about somebody with two front teeth? Does he like that? That would be cool. Or no. That would be cool. Because he has clearly decided not to include those today. Somebody who can match me with their lack of front teeth.

So unreal. Good choice always to not include the ones in the front. The fronts. Yeah. The fronts, bro. Top front. Yeah. The beaver teeth.

Everybody sees them. And you can get flippers. They call them flippers. You're just a retainer. You can get a perfect smile. You can get a perfect smile. Why don't you get a perfect smile? Yeah.

They're advertising on Instagram now. The perfect smile. Yeah. Yeah. Did you hear what I'm saying? Yeah. And there's... It doesn't hear me.

Are you listening? Yes. I'll show you on Instagram because the ads and I want to share them that they're not shareable. You can't share the ads? Yeah. Like I want to put them in my stories. Look how nice that is.

It's... The ads are so amazing. Do you want to look like you have teeth and bleeding gums? Get the perfect smile. The gums are so red. Yeah. If you see somebody with those gums in a regular mouth, you'd be like, you need to go to an orthodontist immediately.

You need emergency surgery. Injivitis. Yeah. There's a lot of bacteria in there. Mm-hmm. Have you ever known anybody with bleeding red gums? It's so awful. It's not desirable.

For sure. It's so hard to talk to them. I used to work with a guy with severely red gums. I'm so surprised it has one out of five stars on Walmart's review page there. I wore them on my date and they fell out. And you cannot call these veneers. Get smile veneers. No, they're not.

They're not veneers. No. They're just a plastic... Yeah. It's a piece of tape. Yeah. Yeah. It's like taking a photograph of someone with teeth and putting it in your mouth.

Like, I took a picture of someone's teeth. There's 699. I mean... That's so amazing. For veneers? Yeah. You got to be kidding me. Yeah, that's not a solution.

And like, by the way, if your teeth are real jagged like that, you can't fit the perfect smile over that because we've tried. Yeah. Like, we've purchased the perfect smile twice now and it's actually really hard to keep them in and to fit like... And you know what they tell you to do is to melt the glue. There's glue, right? There's a glue strip and they're like, melt the glue and then shape it to your real teeth.

And I was like, fuck you. I'm not gluing this to my... And they give you specific... And I have veneers. I'll rip them right off. Instructions. They're like, don't eat and don't talk too much if you think. Don't chew gum.

You won't keep your mouth shut. Jesus, man. It's the perfect smile. Super perfect. The perfect smile. Yeah. Oh, by the way, before we were rolling, what are we talking about? Like, you somehow got on to...

You were banging a cheer... Oh, we were doing a cheer. Oh, yeah. I was like, B, aggressive, B, E, aggressive, B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-B-E aggressive, B-E aggressive. And then just spawned this cheerleader that I had a memory of. Yeah. And like, well, who... What whore is this?

Because I've never heard... Oh. I'm looking for girls for... You're a nurse too? No. No. She was so small. You know, there's cheerleaders because they get thrown in the air.

So a lot of times the high-level ones, you know, that move along do like... I guess it may be in high school too, but in college, especially, they're tiny. Because you see them, the guys like... I got it. No, I understand why they're tiny. I know. Yeah. So you're saying that you banged a cheerleader that got thrown around a lot.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know how many times she got drilled. She was pretty skilled, so I imagine it wasn't her first time. Yeah. Yeah. She was nice. Nice lady. Okay.

It was many, many moons ago, but she was... But why is this all coming out now? I feel like I... Because we were doing a cheer, and I remembered the cheerleader. I can't believe once the cameras rolled, you'd tell me the truth. She would... Like, when someone leaves with that, you're like... Okay.

You're committing to the game. I don't want to know. You know? Anyway, can I tell you what I caught myself doing the other day? Yeah. I bought a sweater, and I looked at the label, and it said, Made in Tunisia, and it made me angry. Really?

Really? Yes. I physically... Like, it was so irrational. I was like, Fuck Tunisia. Fuck that whore. And I got mad. Tell them why.

They don't even know why. Do you guys know why? He always reminisces about the one hooker that he banged in Tunisia, who didn't use birth control, so you were super stoked, you could just bust nuts inside of her. She wasn't a hooker. And she was all grimy. No, she was a hooker, meaning like... Right, but I'm saying, you know, it wasn't a pay.

No, I know that. She was like some fucking dirty townie, and she didn't wash her box, and you really like that. She was nasty. She was German. Oh, German. It was in Tunisia, but she was German. She was a fucking savage.

I mean, she was wearing a leather bathing suit at the hotel. That is so gross, by the way. Yeah. And she looked like... It's not porous at all. She looked like she was like in recovery, you know, like pierced and fucking just gaunt. I love that. I wish I could look like that.

Yeah. God, I want to look like I'm on drugs like that. It looks so good. I absolutely hammered this chick. Okay. I think I dislocated some shit. Okay. But here's the thing, and be honest with me, a leather bathing suit is not porous.

It... Look, it was alarming to see. Like, you see it, and you're like, the fuck are you wearing? No, but listen, so if it's not porous, it doesn't breathe well on your body parts. Did her meow smell a little gamey because it was encased in leather? It did not, no. Wow. What was it like?

No, it wasn't like that. No, it was worse. No, no. It was bikini. It wasn't a bikini. It was a one-piece leather thing that had a thong, and it had like gaps. It looked like something you'd wear at a bondage club, you know, it didn't look like a bathing suit.

And she looked... Yeah. She looked like she'd been drugged along, you know, like someone had tied her and like strung her up and was like, come here, and like just yanked her over there. She had real problems. Yeah. It's so disappointing. I know.

I was like, ugh, I was grossed out too. Yeah. I was. I was. Fucking Tunisia. I hate that whole country. I did. I unconsciously, I was like fucking Tunisia.

She had runaway vibes. Yeah. I got it, okay? She's a pig. She's derelict. I have a photo of her. I have a photo of her. I do.

Where you keep it framed in your office? Yeah, it's the big one. You never know. I want to see her. Oh, fine. I'll find the picture. What color hair did she have? I don't remember.

Orange, gray, green. Something. I don't know. I didn't really care. Something. I don't remember her hair. You don't remember what color hair she had. Dirty blonde.

You know. It wasn't dyed or dreaded. I mean, pubes are on the... Oh my God. She had armpit hair. She did? Yeah. Because she's German.

She was gnarly. She was a fucking gnarly, like punk chick. Yeah. Did that turn you off? The armpit hair, did you even... Very much. I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. I'm not being sarcastic.

It really did turn you off. It absolutely did. I don't like it. I don't like that. I don't like that. Personally, I know this is offending some people. I don't like it. Looks terrible.

Yeah. It does look like shit. And you know, there's girls who are like, well, then you're not for me. Agreed. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's gross, too. I don't like how it looks.

I mean, beyond vile is how I would describe it. Look how much... Yeah. I mean, look, we're used to seeing it not there. You get to know how proud she is of it, too. I hate that they're proud of it. That's what makes me even angrier. Fucking puke on you if I was laying down next to you.

No. Yeah. I could have it feel the need to show it off like that. Well, you could tell how smug that's like... Look what I did. And my legs, too. Yeah. Cool.

Yeah. Have fun camping this weekend. Yeah. So gross. So fucking gross. Absolutely. And I still hate fat models. I don't care what anybody says.

All of us, everybody hates fat models. I know. Can we stop pretending like we enjoy it? Look, I need to lose 40 pounds. And guess what? I hate fat models. Same. I hate them.

I want to see dudes that are yoked and ripped with six packs. Mm-hmm. And I want to see chicks that have perfect bodies. Same. Well, fucking little waist. Perfect. Hips and an ass. And like, yeah.

Perky teddies. Just be fucking... That's the gig. I know. That's what you get. You get what you get in this world. I know. And the perfect bodies are models.

And fucking fatties are not. You're a fat fuck. Mm-mm. I tell you, and I was buying, like, yoga pants and stuff on this website. And there are fucking chunkers on there now. Like, in the regular people's department, I'm like, no, dude. That's the new thing they're doing. I've noticed this.

If you go online shopping, you go, oh, great. A model. A normal model. And then they're like, also, here's a little pig for you. Yeah. So you can... A chunk of source. Yeah.

You can see with... Fuck your fat body. A regular, like, a desirable body. And then here's a fatty for you to look at, too. And everybody in the comments are such fucking liar faces. Like, someone sent me a post yesterday. It was, like, skinny jeans. And then it was, like, a real fat lady in skinny jeans.

And it looked terrible. Of course it does. It was all rolls and bad. And it was like, this is great. This is what we need to see, regular bodies. This is what somebody's body looks like. I'm like, somebody, but not the model. Jesus.

The advantage I see to having a fatty wearing it is, like, if you look at it, and it's on, like, a really good-looking person, a good, like, a perfect body, and you go, oh... Wait a minute. Sorry. Go... Walk me through this again. It's okay if they're fat, if... Here's my only logic to accepting it.

Like, let's say I'm looking at a men's clothing site. Okay. And they have a model. Like, a good-looking guy. Yeah. With a perfect body. And you're like, oh. Yeah.

And the advantage I see to having a big old fat boy next to it is the realization, like, oh, that's how it's going to look on me. I know what you're saying. You know what I mean? Like, oh, it's not going to look like me, like the model guy. It's going to look like this fat guy. It's like that meme of, like, what I thought I was buying. And then it's like...

And then they show it, and I'm like, ugh, it looks like shit on him. So maybe it'll save me from buying it, you know? Because you know that as a regular... Like, if you're a thinking person, you know that, like, oh, the model wearing that, that's going to look on her. And then you calibrate... Yeah. But your brain goes...

Sometimes it goes, oh, that'll... That's what I'll look like. That's what your brain does to you. Yeah. That's the wish, and that's how advertising works. Right. You go, I'll look like this. Right.

And then you get it, and you're like, I don't look like this. I don't look like it at all. Yeah. But you know that, like, in your... I walk around sometimes wearing clothes that don't fit, but I'll be like, in my head, I'm still the model. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, I... It doesn't matter whether or not I do look like her. In my mind, I'm happy. Yeah. Because I've lived up to this aspirational thing. I know. So many times I fucking get a shirt or clothes, whatever, and you're like, man, and then sometimes you catch yourself in the mirror and you're like, the fuck?

Yeah. I look like shit. You should not have bought this. No. Yeah. I look like a sack of potatoes in this fucking thing. God damn it. Yeah.

Yeah. It happens, man. But that's life. You don't want to know reality. Nobody wants reality all the time. All you need is hope. Yeah. That's true.

The idea that you can do better is all you really need. That's true. That's what compels you to keep going and drying and doing better. Yeah. With everything. Yeah. I mean, you have hope as an artist, performer, comedy. Yeah.

Yeah. This is what I'm saying. So if this is the model... Get the fuck out of here. But hold on. You're looking at plus size. Nowadays, they don't even call them like plus size. Oh, right.

They just do it in like a... I know. Like on the runway or on regular stuff, you see fat cells and they're like, this is not normal. No. It looks terrible. No, no. She's okay.

They dressed her nice, but... Yeah. I don't want to see fat rolls. This is not cute. I mean, is that real? That's how I look in a fucking bathing suit. The top row in the middle, is that supposed to really be the top row all the way up in the middle?

Yeah. That's a model. Yes. I'm telling you. Really? If you go on like the Adidas website too, or like Allo, or like any normal site, like to buy regular things. I mean, by the way, if I met that person and they're like, I'm a model, I'd go, okay.

All right. Sure. Like go to women's clothing. Yeah. They just throw it in there now. And they throw it in there now. Like you're... Or go to like leggings.

You'll fucking die. Okay. Appropriate, appropriate, appropriate so far. Well, there's pregnant. That's normal. But also... Like at Chunkaroni's here. She's pregnant and fit.

Yeah. Look at Chunky on the left. Oh, yeah. On the far left there. Oh, and they just throw that in. Like that's not what I want to see. That's why I'm buying those things that I don't look fat like that. Same on the far right.

I don't want to look like that. That's why I'm here shopping. Do they do it for men too? Go to the men's. Let's see if they have a big boy. And by the way. No. Lean, fit.

Oh, they don't do for men. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. You know why? Well, that's interesting. You know why? Why? Because men are more disciplined.

And for sure, because a woman goes, but this is my potty. And then everybody goes, that's okay. And then men go, oh, you know, I'm fat, and the guys go, you know what? Why don't you stop eating and fucking work out? Because women are weak. Or that society is harsher on men than women. I would say that men aren't allowed to be fat sows. Women are allowed to be fat sows.

That's what I'm saying. But it's because other guys are like, oh, fucking grow up. Get your ass to the gym. I wish we could go back to that. Stop eating fucking food all day, fat boy. We used to be like that for women. Get skinny. I know.

Take a pill, you dumb bitch. In the good old days. I know. I think it was fine. When you had it when they weighed you to be a flight attendant. I know. And they're like, you're 125. Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, fat zone. You a fucking hog? Yeah. You can't be a flight attendant anymore. They don't weigh them anymore. I know. Fucking I know. I know.

So weird. Sometimes they turn to go down the aisle and you're like, Jesus Christ. And here's the thing. People are going to be like, gosh, how do you guys judge? You're not super skinny. Of course not. But here's the thing. We didn't choose professions that require us to be super skinny.

I'm not a flight attendant. Yeah. And I'm not a model. Yeah. Neither am I. And by the way, the flaws are better when you're in comedy. So true. Yeah.

So weird. Badder you are. I stammer because I'm so hungover. I know. No, there's no... If you're a super model, good looks, it's going to be rough for you to do comedy, actually. It's harder. We're in the business where your flaws benefit you.

Yeah. For sure. Yeah. That's true. I could go on, but I won't. I'm going to take a pitch, though, because I drank so much water because I was so dehydrated. Okay. Do you have to go pee, too?

Not yet. Okay. Give me a second, okay? Okay. I love you. Yeah. Yeah. You have a good pee?

I did. I pushed real hard. So I had a thought, too, when I was making a pissy. I think this is only an American thing, too, where we're like, yay, you're fat, like we're celebrating. Europeans have disdain for it. So do South Americans. They're my favorites.

As they should. Yeah. I mean, my entire family in South America is like, you are fat. And they just like, they look at you and they're just like, there's no need to be this fat. Yeah. Europeans don't tolerate. Yeah. So I buy-

Go and run. Be less fat. Of course. They have to look like shit. People tell you to your face. Like, you looked terrible. It's great. It's really is the way to be.

It is. Yeah. So I buy in American brands. Are you listening to me? Yes. When I buy American clothing, I'm like a size six or an eight, right? Usually six, six, eight. And then when I buy European, I'm like morbidly obese.

Like it's depressing. I don't fit into the equivalent. So their sizing is actually, like a size six in Italy is way tinier. Same for me, for men's clothing. It's so depressing. Yeah. I mean, basically- Fucking I hate it.

If it's Italian made or European clothing, they're just like- Yeah, that's exactly how I feel when I put it on. They're like, this is not for you. You're too fat. Yeah. I mean, I've lost a bunch of weight since the most I've weighed, still can't fit in myself. Yeah.

I know. It's like, so depressing because I want to wear these clothes and I can't fit into them. Or my favorite, sometimes I've gone into stores to try on and they're like, I'll see, I think we have something in the back and then they come out and they're like, yeah, maybe online. Nothing in the store. That's so harsh. Maybe online, you fucking pig.

I'm like, nothing. They're like, no, I'm not here. Yeah. I'm like, Jesus, I'm like fucking 225 and they're like, it's not for you. That's how it is in like fancier upper end stores. They're like, we don't carry a size. It's not made for your body. Chanel doesn't make it.

Yeah. Come on. I respect it. I do too, because they're like, we don't want you wearing it if you're not a certain size. I think that's why they do it. No. Yeah.

To keep the clothes probably looking better. I don't know. You got to look cool, man. You got to look sharp. You want to see another cool thing that happened? I do. Check this out. The name of the song, the video is The Machine by Brett Krescher.

I mean, it's like literally, I mean, you can't even make this up. This guy is just, he cannot see it. He can't say it. People can't say it. They just can't do it. It's not that hard. Kershaw or Kershaw, whatever. Whatever.

So disrespectful. Brett Krescher is Brett Krescher. What's so mean? Brett Krescher. Brett. Do you know, by the way, by the way, in my upcoming special, which I'm not allowed to announce the date, but it's going to come out soonish, I fully fat shame Burt by name. In the special?

Yes. Like, I have a fucking, literally just I fat shame him. I say his full name, Netflix has not flagged it. They are letting it happen. What do you say? Can you say what you said or no? I'd prefer it to be a surprise. There's a lot of Easter eggs in the special for, for mummies and I want them to, to find

the Easter eggs. There's a lot of things I say that are like throwaways that are just for YMH people. But I blatantly fat shame him and they don't seem to mind. Good. Isn't that great? It's great. Yeah. Yeah.

That's fucking amazing. Yeah. People love to fat shame him. Yeah, they do. Also, he's not doing himself any favors. No. And that's a good thing is that you're never fatter than Burt. I mean, it always makes you feel better to fetch him.

He is going up and wait. I know. He looks terrible and and and I think his face is bigger every time I see him. So if I thought I was a Chinese guy the other day, yeah, wait, is that what you said? I thought I was a Chinese guy. I thought I was a Chinese guy. Yeah, it's fantastic. I miss Joey Diaz.

So check this out. Sweet little man here. This, this guy, imagine that you're on your phone, yeah, Facebook, I think, and you open and you just see a Facebook, social media. You're the girl. Yeah. This is coming from a guy. Hey, hey, babe.

A couple days later. B. Sure. Then there's a video there. Yeah. Guess what? We have it. Oh.

Do you like to see it? Fuck yeah, I do. It's going to be so good. Unsolicited. Listen, maybe you have the prettiest fucking mouth and eyes I've ever seen, like, unbelievable. Super fucking sexy. Mm-hmm. Oh, no.

Fuck off. Anyways, hit me back. I want to talk to you before you go to bed. Oh. Be a good girlfriend, OK? The move? What was that about the guitar? I guess who plays guitar.

Yeah. He's like, I got something for you. An acoustic guitar. And then? Did you say be a good girlfriend? Be a good girl. Ooh. And like, by the way, this is so unspecific.

This could be... Hit me back. I want to talk to you before you go to bed. Be a good girlfriend, OK? Be a good girl for me? Good girl for me, OK. Mm-hmm. So he's shocked.

And he knows this move. Is this what you do? I mean, the job is... Is this the video you're sending? You're just shocked getting this out? Not unsolicited, no. Maybe if we've talked a little bit. That's so different, though.

That is so different. Yeah, never unsolicited. Unsolicited move of being like... So cool. ...whole your mouth and lips. That is way different than like, I've been talking to you and I like your mouth and your eyes. That's so cool, though.

This guy's the coolest. Yeah. And then he was like... It's almost like he went... He was like, oh, God, you're so sexy. Then he went like... I guess. Be a good girl for me, OK?

I want to talk to you before you go to bed. Wait, but the guitar flex, too, was like... And he was like, look at it. Like, what was that about? I'm just working on music right now. Oh, God. Yeah, that's what that was. He's letting you out.

It's like the equivalent of picking up weights. I'm just lifting right now. Holy shit. I mean, the really amazing thing is there are a number of women who would respond to this. That's what I'm fascinated by. The broken ones. Yeah, the reason we have this is because a normal person got it.

But the broken one would be like, hmm. The coolest thing is... I want to be a good girl. He's like, hey. Yeah. Hey, baby. Hey, no response. No response.

Four no responses. And then he sends that. Video. I'm sure I'm working on notes right now. What if we always said that the video is not the way to go? Sending a video... It's never the way to go. Your track record is just...

So bad. Because then you end up on your mom's house. I have a feeling to a distinct feeling that unlike Charles and Elliott, this man will not be like, ah, my bad. I don't know what I was thinking that day. Right. Yeah. Because Charles and Elliott are good guys who just made a faux pas.

Yes. They're self-aware. Yeah. They're just like, oh God. This guy's not. Hell no. No. They're much shorter than their videos and 100,000 times creepier.

Well, I think... Way worse. I think the whole thing of like, hey, hey, babe, hey, babe, babe, and no response. There's no banter going. There's nothing. It's like saying, are you hungry? No thanks. I'm full.

Have somebody eat. No thanks. I'm full. Launching this into the sky. Yeah. Like just put this out there. This is so many other girls, Deans. This is like every girl.

Well, it works from some times. I have to give them. I will tell you. It's a numbers game. This works for this guy sometimes. Is there more? No. This is it?

So far. Guys, women out there. I hope he fucking sends another one. Believe me. Yeah. Please send this in. If this guy's been courting you. Ew.

Can we watch it again? I want to feel gross inside. It's the sexiest mouth. Listen, baby, you have the prettiest fucking mouth and eyes I've ever seen. Unbelievable. Super fucking sexy. What's up with the guitar, dude? Anyways, hit me back.

I want to talk to you before you go to bed. Be a good girl for you, okay? Hit me back. He's demanding. You know? He's pulling the daddy dom. Prove it. It's his prove it.

Yeah. But I don't think it's going to work for him. Anyway, why won't this work? I mean, he should have got the message that she didn't respond. So there's no reason to try and force your way in. There's no rapport. You didn't make it, man. There's no rapport.

Yeah. There's no room for you to do that. Like you said, there's a girl that it would work on, but if it would, she's going to respond to you the first time. You don't have to go that far. And if you're going to start saying eyes and your eyes and your mouth, it's good to have somebody in mind. Well, some rapport going, hey, you look good, you know, and then after something is established,

you drop. You have the prettiest eyes and sexiest mouth. Gosh, it's so funny because then you show your guitar. I was pre-video, like boys were courting me and you just knew it was just like a bolt, like, hey girl, oh, you know, you got a body that won't quit, like stuff like that. You're like, it's, you're not talking to me. You're just talking to everybody. Like I know what you're doing.

You know, that wasn't meant for me. My college roommate, he was great. He would be like, I love him at one end of the bar and he would be like, look at a girl. I love it. We would stand by and be like, look at this shit and then he'd go down there and I'd stand next to him. He's like, how are you doing? I'm just, I'm doing way better now than I'm standing next to you.

And then myself and my other roommate and we're like, what's happening yet? And he'd be like, yeah, I'm doing everything's better now because you're involved in my life. And we're like, no. And then you'd say some other wild shit. Yeah. And then they would go off together. We're like, what the fuck? That worked.

And he'd be like, yeah. But that guy, I know who you're talking about, is extremely sweet. He is a sweet guy. And gentle and actually very endearing and has warmth and depth behind his eyes. That guy, there's no warmth or depth or like, like, you're anybody, you know? Any hole, just anybody in the world. Any girl. With lady parts.

Yeah. Wow. That is so cool. Thank you for sharing. I love these. He's mystified by this guy. Yeah. Like, wow, you don't even care, dog.

Like you're just how it goes, man. Fuck. I'm sorry. I didn't salute you, sir. Are they just they're just not self aware, right? Are they psychotic? This guy might be psychotic. Yeah.

Because your friend that you're talking about is not psychotic. He's not. I think he really loves girls. He just loves women. He's sweet. Yeah. This is like, yeah. Fuck, dude.

Here you want. I like this kind of shit, too. Kevin Samuels. Oh, my God. I love Kevin Samuels. So funny. You are an eight. You're on one to 10.

Can't you seven? What are your regular looks? First place out of the shower, your natural hair. A 10. Your face? Yes. Look at his face. That's him.

I'm always going to give myself a 10. I'm not going to give myself a 10. All right. There we go right there, people. Thank you. See all the hard people losing. You can cap all you want to. But you're not an international super mom.

You're not an international. And I'm just trying to ask you. See, up until this point, I feel like you've been pretty reasonable. But now, if you want to do that, I think we should probably end it because I don't play those games. I love that. He always does this shit to people. I love it.

I love it. I'm doing something for a good reason. I'm trying to be helpful. But man, you and Rihanna walk into the room. Don't nobody confuse you. You're not a 10. You're not a 10. Rihanna.

You're not a 10. You're not a 10. But that's the point. That's a 10. You're not a 10. OK. OK. But it is like.

He's right, though. We all could listen to someone like that. Here's why he's right. You need someone like that. Yeah. Here's why he's right. He's helping people who have delusion. You know what I'm saying?

If you think of yourself a certain way and you're like, I deserve to have the guy that's like fit, the nurse guy. This is back to the opening clip. Exactly. It all comes together. If you don't know where your value is and your expectation is here. Because a lot of times what he does is he consults with women. Yeah.

Who are single and he goes in what you desire. I think he calls them a high value men. Yes. So a man who is a professional who is making like X. Not like several hundred thousand dollars a year or more. So he's like. Because that high value man, his value is that he makes that living. Yes.

And therefore he has options. Yeah. And then he's like, if you are desiring a man like that, what do you bring? So he breaks it down. Yeah. And it's very logical. You know, probably like is a little bit not involved with love when some of these breakdowns. Right.

But it is very realistic. Right. You know. Well, I mean, how many millionaires do you see with like shlubby? Yeah. I mean, if a guy is like. You know, dopey. If a guy is doing really, really well, you know, he can.

You want to Rihanna. Well, you can, you have your options, but that's kind of the whole point. So. Yeah. He writes herself. Rihanna is beautiful though. But. But she is pretty.

But on a scale from one to 10, you can't use seven. What do you reckon? Your face. Okay. I'll give it eight. I'll give it eight. You put yourself up there with Beyonce. Beyonce's an eight.

Kelly Rowland's a nine. Rihanna's a 10. Hell, sweetie is an adjustable six. Wait, he put Beyonce at an eight. I would disagree. Well, he's got his own scale. I don't know. I think Beyonce's a 10 now.

Okay. He keeps going. Rihanna is gorgeous. Yeah. When was the last time you had a guy with suicide doors rolling up trying to marry you? None. Okay. When was the last time your ex, your child's father, what did you do for a living?

He worked for a magic, the maintenance supervisor. Maintenance supervisor. So it was a middle-class worker, right? Mm-hmm. Do you respect a woman who's an eight, nine, or 10? They don't get middle-class maintenance supervisors. I mean, look, it's harsh, but he's being realistic. Wow.

Beautiful people. Ma'am, ma'am, we're talking about you. Okay. You've been you your entire life. Yeah. You call yourself an eight. Yes. No.

It's me. It's me. I think it's him. Ma'am, ma'am. No. You're beneath that number. You're not above that number. Wait, so what is she?

Because I think she's actually really pretty. She actually has a very pretty face. Yeah. I don't think she is. Yeah. And she has a sweetness to her, like a sweetness to her eyes. She seems very lucid, normal. I mean, look, the scale stuff is obviously super subjective to a point, right?

There are certain objective truths when you're looking at beauty. Yeah. I mean, I think she's fine to call herself six, seven. Seven would be confident. Seven and seven. Seven and seven. Seven. We have to see the whole package.

What are you saying? Let's see the, we have to see her body and stuff too. Yeah, if we're talking face. Face? Yeah. I mean, hold on, let me go back to it. I'm looking at that. I mean, yeah, she gives some, she gets some work.

She kind of- Work? Yeah. I don't know. I'm thinking like. Jesus. Four and a half. Oh my God.

Like a five maybe. Okay. Five at best. Oh my God. She's got a pretty, good eyes, pretty mouth. She's pretty. She's pretty. Okay.

I mean, you know. Yeah. No, she's for someone. Don't get me wrong. She is for someone. Everybody's got someone, but you know, like if we're speaking universally. Come on, man. There ain't no, you know, eight.

Yeah. That was delusional. Come on, man. And that's also, you know what that is though too, when you know you're not. This is a thing that's like universal too. When you know you're not. That's the delusion. You also go like, I'm not going to put my, it's part of that is like, don't put yourself

down. Yeah. Right? You go like, I know I'm not a 10, but I'm not going to say I'm a fucking four because that sounds like I'm putting myself down. Sure. Sure. So you go, all right.

All right. I'm an eight. You know, but you're, you're not. She opened a 10, which was the mistake. She did. She shouldn't have started a 10. Well, the best was like. His reaction when she said 10.

But you know, because what I do like about him is what we always said on those dating shows, it's always the women that are like, I just can't find anybody because my standards are too high. It's like, no, you're delusional. You think that you're so amazing that nobody can live up to you. Yeah. So that's kind of like the service he does. I hate rating people on a number scale and it's so gross, but because I do think she's

very pretty. He's using it more as a, a, a, like a jump off point. Hey, let's have this conversation. So to engage in the conversation, where do you rake yourself and like, and see what ends up happening is like, if your value is not there, he's like, you got to find other values. So in other words, if you're a five and you have, I know where this is going. No. And you have three kids.

Yeah. So you know, and so he's like, like, that's not to see like, so he's like, your looks are not the most desirable. Your bag's not the most desirable. Do you have a job? Do you, do you make a good living? Because that raises your values. So he's just like very like real, like logical about this stuff.

And then, you know, some people can't handle it. But the truth is that even though some of the stuff isn't nice to hear, there is a lot of truth to it. Of course. Well, yeah. If you're a successful, excuse me, person, woman, you don't want a guy that doesn't have a job. Of course.

He doesn't have to act together. You're supporting him. And if you want someone near equal. If some man who's an executive, you know, lawyer or whatever, and he's making several hundred thousand dollars a year, you know, he has, he has options. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I could watch kind of Samuel's do this shit all day. Why doesn't he have a Netflix show? I would watch this shit all fucking day. That's probably going to come. That's probably going to come. Because like his. God, he's good. His online stuff, like his TikToks and Instagram, he does like these long ones.

He does like hour long consults where he talks to people. So what is his official title? I don't know. I'm not sure. Is he like a dating consultant or? I mean, it seems like it. I don't know if he goes goes by that. He's like the male Patty Stanger.

You know, remember that the millionaire matchmaker? Like, I would love to see a show where he helps women find love, which is great. He used to go by image consultants. Yeah. I can watch this all day. Yeah. Me too, man. It's so funny.

Go follow him. He's on Instagram, TikTok. I'm pretty sure he has a YouTube page too. And he does. He, man, he's just so real with people and me. He's like, I don't have time for this bullshit. OK, I don't have time for you big old sassy ass broads. All right, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with our guest.

OK, we are back with Staten Island's own returning to the show. Mr. Chrissy D. Hey, babe, how you doing? Hey, thanks for having me. I love Austin. This is nice, man. Thanks for coming, man. Well, I mean, it's beautiful.

The whole set is beautiful. I think what you guys are doing here is nice. I think that Texas was the right move for you guys. Oh, that's right. Personally, I do. Because you guys are the only people I've seen. I'm saying as I walked in, everyone's got skinnier and hotter in Texas. Isn't that wild? Which usually it's the reverse.

Usually become a fat fucking piece of shit. Yeah, but but now you guys went opposite. Yeah, you're gross and I look at how fucking hot Nadav is. Yeah, yeah, he looks amazing. Are you on Grindr in Texas, too? I try to be. Yeah, yeah, dude. You didn't Grindr the gay one. Grindr. Yeah.

Isn't Nadav not gay? Oh, that was gay. No, truthfully, are you gay? I'm not. What? Yeah, right. No, I'm Jewish. Ah, that's what it is that. OK, that's I should have put my mask on then. Shit. Yeah, but we everybody's had their glow up.

That's what the kids say. I mean, truthfully, like when you come in, like when I walked around the hall, you you eyed me so hard, you gave me one of these. Yeah, you went up and down. First thing I noticed, I said, this guy's got some coin now. He's got his ankles out. Yeah, I noticed Tom had his ankles out, which last year he was killing it, but not ankles out killing it.

But when the kid starts coming out with pants that come to his ankles and he wants you to know that's money right there. That's money. Yeah. Yeah. And I like that. I like that. And I'm telling you, man, it's it's a very you don't see that much. People get hotter when they move to Texas. And you guys, it's a sex machine in here now. It is. The vibe is sexual now.

Yes, it's it's and it's it's positive. And you know what I mean? And then and I'm vibing off it. And you look beefy. You look like I appreciate that. Yeah. Well, yeah, I'm swollen. I'm a little swollen. I do. I thought I got full disclosure. Yeah. I just be honest with you guys.

I got some body aches today and I didn't want to take a covid test because this is a big opportunity for me. So I but I don't feel a hundred percent. So I'm a little beefy because I called in. I got my boy, Dr. Luke, who's my daughter's godfather back in Brooklyn. Shout out Methodist Hospital. He sent me in a prescription for steroids. He was like, look, I got to be honest with you, buddy.

It sounds covey. Yeah. But but the steroid packs are to make you feel a hundred. I said, I got to get on your mom's house because I got a special. So sweet. So but I just hope that you guys are, you know, got anti bodies or whatever. Yeah, yeah, we do. We're fine.

Yeah. But I just want to let you know. Yeah, I don't feel a hundred if you came in here with the Ronan. I don't give a fuck, man. See, I don't. That's the thing about me, too. You know, since the beginning, I haven't really cared. Like I was in the room with it so many times. I just I didn't care. It doesn't scare me. Bro, I've had it a couple of times.

We've had it twice. Everybody. You know, I never got it yet. No, no, I swear to God. I never got it once. As a matter of fact, this is the state to get it in. Yeah, I know. It's great. Well, and I lost my sense of taste. Really?

Still, it's what we were talking about it during lunch. And it's great because I eat far less now. So you still can't taste or smell anything? No, a little bit, but it definitely affects that. Interesting. But I'm like, I had 44 good years of tasting. And I just don't do that anymore. And that's OK.

How much more? Yeah. Like, what else do you want to taste? Yeah, I tasted it all at this point. Don't care. You know, Tom's balls, like, you know, the same. They're tasty. They're so wonderful. Well, you know what? I got to be honest with you. You could tell.

First of all, everybody smells good in here. Yeah, it's a it's a good scent in here. I don't know what it is. Thank you. It's just it's a beautiful. It's like a beautiful scent. And I and I will say, Tom, that I do think you probably your balls do smell good. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. No, they feel, I mean, like I try to keep them pretty. I mean, I, you know, I shower regularly. Do you? Yeah. And like today, like the day this is being recorded, the third leg of my tour launched. And when you see those pre-sales, you just, you know, I mean, your balls feel. Romaco Tommy. Yeah.

I bought a ticket just because I don't give a fuck. Yeah. They drop a little bit. You're like, oh, this is nice. Yeah. No, dude, that's nice. I know it's nice to have legs of a tour before. Before we forget. Yes. Because I really want to do I'm I've always been a big fan

and I met you. I thought you were so fucking funny. And then we had you do a live show. Yes. And I've watched you just go up, up, up, up, up, which I'm super happy. You guys aren't a big reason for that. So I appreciate it.

I appreciate it. So, so funny. And now you have a special coming out that you're so hot. We don't even know where it's going to land. You ready for this? We're about to tell you guys. So I was confident. I said I filmed a special at the Gramercy Theater March 5th.

I had a show in Cleveland that was selling absolutely no tickets. I said, fuck it, cancel Cleveland. I'm shooting the special in New York City, March 5th, which I did. Came out great by my guy, the homeless pimp. We filmed it, edited it. Look, I said, I'm putting this on YouTube because I said my career only really began

when I put the power of my career in the hands of my fans, started going with my peers and comics I look up to, go on their shows and just fans, fans, fans, no corporate. And then all of a sudden ticket sales go up, my whole life changes. So I said, that's what I'm doing. I'm putting it on YouTube. And I said to my agent, I said, I'm putting this on YouTube.

He goes, fine, send it to me. He goes, this looks pretty good. Can I just send it to the people at Netflix? I said, do whatever you have to do, but it's going on YouTube. Because I was thinking there's no way Netflix is going to everybody had said no to me. HBO said no, Showtime said no. Everybody was saying, no, no, no.

I'm like, they're going to say no. I'm not a transgender Eskimo. They're not going to give me a shot. That's what I said in an email. So I have that documented, which I will be sued for later on in life. So I said, which is the name of the special, by the way, transgender Eskimo.

So I said, I said, I'm putting it on YouTube. That's final. April 6, YouTube. And then I called Nadav. I said, I want to get on Segura. When does this episode come out? He said, April 6. I was like, wow, it's meant to be.

April 6 is what's coming out. The newest development. I'm talking about as of last night. I had already landed in Austin. My agent goes, is there any chance you could push Segura back? I said, absolutely fucking not. I'm already in Austin with an earache and body aches.

I'm already in Texas with full COVID ready to go. I'm willing to kill Tom. So I can get my Patreon numbers out. So I said, I said, what's going on? He goes, Netflix loves this thing. They love it. And they want to just give you, like they want to put it on Netflix.

Oh my god. But there's a whole thing you have to wait for. You have to go through a finance department. There's a whole thing. The name different. But they said the product is untouched. They said the exact edit. As you put it, they want to put on Netflix, right?

Like in two, three weeks, at the end of April, they want to put it on by. And I said, well, the whole thing is I want to put it on YouTube because of the power of my fans giving the power of my career to my fans. That's YouTube. And he was like, well, let me talk to Netflix. Maybe there's a way that we can have some of it

air on YouTube and some of it air on Netflix. I said, if you guys can do that for me, then maybe I'll do it. Because then it becomes that the because what because what I've been saying on my podcast is let's get this special out on YouTube. You know, we all been working on this, the podcast and small, it's getting bigger and bigger

and bigger. Let's make this special so big on YouTube. Share it with your friends that maybe we get Netflix's attention. And that was always the plan. So it seems like in some way, maybe that that happened for real because it happened because we filmed it. And my fans, I didn't do like a free show or anything.

I was like, I bought tickets like make this a real thing. And that's what happened. I was like, even if it doesn't sell out, we wound up selling out like three shows. So I was like, let's do it. And it was a great show. And I said, if that's what if that's how this is organically going to happen, then yeah,

I would give it to Netflix, but they have to let me keep the YouTube component. So that's the process we're in right now. So I don't know when it's coming out. But that's a great problem to have. Yeah. This is a good place to do it. Just like and subscribe to YouTube.com.

So it's Christie Comedy because something's coming out on YouTube. There you go. I don't care because you know what else I did because I don't I got I filmed another special at New York Comedy Club that is different kind of different material. So I may just fucking put that shit out on YouTube

and give the other one to Netflix. You can't stop me. You fucking corporate pigs. Good for you. Good for you. Yes. Well, I'm happy for you. Thank you.

Me too. It's well deserved. It's well earned. You have been super funny and super consistently funny. And I see like a lot of people I watch your clips all the time. Your highlights on Instagram.

So fucking funny. I love watching you and TT. Oh my God. You and Sal. Yes. And you have like I mean it's always great man. TT Jerry want to shout out TT Jerry real quick. If you don't know on my podcast at Christie

KS podcast it's my transgender Puerto Rican nanny of my children. This is a real person. We're not trying to check boxes here. This isn't fucking euphoria. I live adult euphoria. So I TT Jerry is she is my girlfriend's actual godfather. It's her actual blood uncle.

Her mother's brother who did a bunch of time in prison got out two years ago and has now taken my life by storm. She's I mean I love her. I would give anything. She's become a huge member of my family off the show. She's my children's nanny. She picks them up from school. She's you know is in our life every every day.

She's coming. I have a show in Las Vegas and she's coming. She her first day off of parole is tomorrow. And then she will be coming with us to Las Vegas. We're going to throw a big party. You got to throw a fucking huge party. But here's the thing. Been to prison getting off parole.

Let's not have TT do something real reckless. Well that's what I said to TT. I said I said you know if we go to Vegas like you can't do something illegal and then you go back to jail. And she said she told me. She said the only way I'd ever go back. She said I'm not scared of prison at all. It's very interesting to talk to someone

who has zero fear of prison because she's been through it. She goes the only way that I would kill that I would ever go back to prison if someone hurt you Jasmine or the kids. I would have no problem murdering them and going back to prison. I would walk myself back to jail for you guys. But other than that I'm going to be completely clean.

Yeah but she did tell me that she stole a pair of sneakers from a Nike store last week but it was an accident. So we went back to the Nike store and we made it all but it was a little dicey. Roy said you have to be very calm if we're not about to tell you sir. This woman accidentally walked out with a pair of sneakers.

She's on parole. If you make a big deal you want to call the cops or whatever you're going to like hurt our life. Thank God because of the power of the podcast this guy knew who I was and knew who she was. Thank God. And said it's fine but we did know that we didn't we kind of were like did somebody just walk out with shoes

and then she didn't and it's fine and it's all everything. Oh great. Oh good. It's all resolved. So it's all good. Good. We did it. That's amazing.

Yeah. Stay straight Titi. Stay straight. Yeah and shout out I want to shout her out. She got the vaccine. She's the only I'm telling Tom off here. She has had very open about it as an HIV for 30 years. She got the vaccine.

Now she has no HIV undetectable. So a lot of people saying the vaccine is giving them AIDS. Yeah. Vaccine cure Titi's AIDS. So shout out Dr. Fauci. He cured AIDS. Way to go. Yes.

Fauci cured AIDS or at least Titi's AIDS. Titi's AIDS are gone. She may get it again in Vegas but whatever. Wow. This is a I mean this is probably a big day for Fauci. He's got all this a lot of bad press people hate him but we're actually celebrating him today. I'm celebrating Dr. Fauci.

I have all listen I first of all Dr. Fauci Brooklyn kid. He looked like everybody's grandmother in the neighborhood. You know like he came out and I never had a problem with him. I don't think he's a war criminal. I mean I'm sure he did some shady shit but he's an Italian guy from Brooklyn. Yeah that's what happens. What do you want him to do?

Yeah. You know. By the way speaking of Italian guys how's your dad doing? My dad doing great. My father he was in Tampa. He moved to Tampa. That's right I remember that. Right.

He told you after he moved. Yes he did. He told me after he moved on July 6th. He just said that he lived in Tampa now. And then he showed up to my house. I want to say December 20th like a few days before Christmas and stayed for three months. Never told us he was coming to the new house.

Oh just showed up. Just showed up with my step mom. They lived there for three months. Just left about two weeks ago. He's doing good dad. He had I don't know because this happens to him sometimes where he ate himself into congestive heart failure again. Did I tell you guys he did that the last time?

I don't remember that. Okay so what happened was is I get it. This is a common thing. So I we know it's common now but in the beginning it was like what the fuck. Well I get a call and for my step mother says dad's in the hospital again. I said what happened? She goes he ate himself into congestive heart failure. I said again.

So so what happened was is he did this thing where he eats so much sodium. So much so he is diet just what is he eating. So here's what he did like pepperoni and ready for this. Here's what he did recently three weeks ago. Okay I get I have to get on the phone with his doctor. He goes he ate an entire tray of lasagna. Okay three cinnabons from like three full cinnabons. A whole two liter bottle of Pepsi or Coke whatever.

Like 15 garlic knots or something crazy like that. And like six slices of pizza throughout the day. Wakes up in the middle of the night can't breathe. What else is new? Can't breathe. Oh and then he's taking this and it's all rambling with his heart medication. His heart medication 100% true story. His heart medication he's having some type of side effect.

He keeps waking up in the middle of the night and seeing a black family sitting down having dinner at the edge of his bed. No it's a true story. And nobody knows what it's happening. He keeps and he's not scared of it. But he'll wake up and tell his wife like do you see the Wilson's having dinner? And she's like Tony what are you talking about? He sees a full black family that he's not scared of.

I'm like that's at the edge of his bed from his medication. So I get on the phone. I like that it's a friendly black family. It's just true and even my friends who's a doctor his doctor they're like this has never been a side effect but he's certain. I see a black family every night at the edge of my bed. And they're having dinner and they're very kind people. So he's in his hospital bed and I'm like dad like what are you doing?

Like eating the food whatever. And he goes well what he goes I took all my meds. He goes what's the point of his thing is what's the point of me? He says what's the point of me taking my heart meds and my diabetes meds if the shit don't work. I'm like it does work but you also have to eat a healthy diet. He goes I didn't know I had a gay son. That's it to count my calories.

And I'm like I'm not gay dad I just want you to survive. Then he goes why do you want me to live long? I already saw everything. I saw you do what you want to do. I got my grandkids. And then I said don't you want to like grow up. Don't you want like to see your kids like my kids like grow up or whatever. He goes that shit's for you not for me.

That's what he said. He goes I saw you grow up. You are my job. And in his mind you know again this is I know it's a home run. It's a dip no but I know it's like a different woke world now whatever. And I'm not saying I'm like this but my dad's thing is he goes you played sports. You got a hot wife and you're not gay. For him that's big win.

He's like what do you want me to do. I have a he's like you're not a gay kid and you got it. You bang hot Puerto Rican. Win win. That is a win. That's a big win. Now let's talk about your hot Puerto Rican wife. How are things going?

You've had the second baby now. I've had the second baby. Okay. And that's helped us. The second baby first of all is now because now I start to think here's the thing. Jasmine which by the way if you guys are looking to get in shape. Jasmine go to patreon.com slash jazzy method. She's running a fitness class that she does very difficult.

It's good. It's good for guys girls whatever babies whatever you want to do. She's great at it. We made a whole gym in our garage. We bought a house so I made a whole gym in our garage and she's and where everybody's happy. And you know it got to the poor ones like we have two beautiful children. She's an amazing mother. She's she's beautiful.

She loves she's a great cook. We love she loves to have sex. Like what what am I it starts to get to a point where it's like I think my brain was like oh maybe that's better maybe that's better options options options and then I just got to a point where I was like what what are you doing you have your whole family here but what switched like was it a moment I think the having the second child maybe was just a little bit like you know okay now like this is because we have three kids. She has you know my stepson as well and two kids and then when we bought the house I think when

we bought the house too I was like oh I have like a real life now like this is I have a lawn and a pool and this dream I'm like what am I going to throw this away for to fucking for what this is dumb buying a house to it is like big boy stuff right you feel like a real adult yeah I feel like a real adult and I felt like you know like we have this life and it's like it's also keeps me grounded like I want I want my goal is for my children to have a better life than I had that's what my yeah that's what I think all us parents we do right so I'm like she keeps me grounded having a family keeps me grounded it gives my children the best chance to have a better life because if I can get my career to the next level only will help them

so all this keeps me grounded you know it's like these other things it's like you know it's like it's like now when I have like pain when I pay I'm like it's just a little it could be prostate cancer it's not chlamydia and that's I didn't realize the feeling what it's such an amazing feeling to know you don't have an std and even if I did get an std it would be because she cheated on me which like it's not that big of a deal you know because it's not my fault right like that's the thing like if she cheats on me and I get herpes like I'm like whatever but like if I gave her herpes it's a way bigger problem sure but if she gave it to me it's like I guess I deserved it sure you know and so it is a thing where it's like anything that happens now because it used to be

I didn't realize how much mental energy was being expended on me thinking I had an std every minute of the day every minute I thought I had an std all any problem how much sex were you having it was it was it was a lot it was it was a lot um and it was not you know I was single by at that time when I was by the way with having that much sex do you consider yourself great in bed no I consider myself just because of the way it would work it was very common I'd have sex with the woman once and that would be it she was not coming back for more because I think it was probably selfish on my part I think I probably wasn't that good in bed and I think that or maybe we were both just um looking for the sex I think I was finding women who uh were like kind of just

wanting to have sex for the wrong reasons like I was like we were just using it to try to cope and we just there was no love there I don't think it's like a fix right I just wanted the emotional it was like being a drug addict I think we were finding I was finding other addicts that's what was happening and then and then I think you know when we had this second child Jasmine and I I was like I don't want to be that other guy I like being this guy better like and it also gets to the point like I'm 37 now it's like is it cool to be 40 single banging chicks yeah I don't think so you know I don't I don't I mean whatever that's your lane that's your lane but I don't want to be that guy you know it's gross yeah it's gross like I'm like I got a family here you know but it's

also good because I don't know did you also go through a shame thing like after you bang somebody and then you get the fix and then you're like I'm a piece of shit yeah like you it's like a it's more of that right yeah so what do you what are you substituting for that like now it's just like the career is going great so now I yeah go there it's career stuff and it's now it's now all that like now I realized like how much I thought when I was when we were co-parenting I'm like oh I'm actually gonna get more time I only had one daughter at the time more time with my daughter because it'll be more focused and it'll be more this or that or whatever I couldn't convince myself but it wasn't I was spend time with my daughter and we would have a good time and then

when she would go to sleep or whatever I'd just be like on the phone like you know trying to talk to girls or whatever like dating apps or this or that and then I realized like I'm missing like all like the little like it's not about the big moments I think being a parent it's the little moments and I miss so many of those in those two years that Jasmine and I weren't together like she would do something that was so simple like color of something or just something that I wanted to be there for like I miss like you know like her first step or something like that because like we weren't together and I was like I don't want to go through that again with my little daughter's new daughter's name is Violet I don't want to I don't want to miss even the

littlest things in Violet's life and I don't anymore and I think that you know I just I'm happier being the guy that's in a relationship with the mother of my children than the guy that's like a fun divorced dad like I think I wanted that at some point but I just had to go through the pain of like you know I would think like oh I'm gonna gable deal drop my kid off and then I'm gonna go out to hang out with my friends at a bar or go on a date with this girl whatever and I'm like I don't want to do I actually didn't want to do any of that I would have rather just sat with my daughter and her mom and watch Wreck-It Ralph I didn't know that I didn't know that I had to go through that to learn that that pain and now I'm like I'm like okay don't fuck that up again

and listen if it got to a point you know relationships evolve or whatever if it got to a point where maybe down the line we weren't together for whatever reason it wouldn't it would be it would be healthy it wouldn't be because of I wanted out because I wanted to go after these things that weren't necessary it would be like something like an actual real problem that I you know who knows what happens but right now I don't foresee any of that because I'm like what's the problem like I I'm I'm good to you you're good to me we have our kids we have our house we have our life it's it's so good like I'm here in Texas now she's not blowing up my phone because she's like trust that like hey you're going to do what you told me to do she had reasons

not to trust me before and I would go she's crazy but it's like is she you're fucking texting her sister you know what I mean I didn't do that but yeah you know maybe I did but yeah but there's such comfort in the mundane and I think I think that was the hardest for me to sit still and be with babies too because it's fucking boring sometimes you're like Jesus Christ I can't and then you just realize like it is those little things like oh my gosh our kid could write his name today yeah couldn't do that yesterday well I had to understand too from Jasmine's point of view like it is it is like I'm I would say oh I'm the one getting on a plane and making the money and doing this and there were times and I don't say this anymore like all you have to do is take care

of the kids and I didn't realize like that's an extremely difficult thing and she's at home and she had to put her goals on hold and I'm here reaching mine it's like all like all these things are important to understand from her point of view so that's why now I'm like well what is it you want to do she wants to be a trainer okay how can I use my career to help her now and that's what I try to do as opposed to used to be no I got my thing you got yours like I had to figure out how to do my thing you got to figure it out yours it's none of that anymore Chrissy grown up Chrissy grown up baby now it's teamwork but I told you since I got the second booster yeah I feel since I got that other outro I gotta leak I gotta leak that's when you piss in my mouth

come on dude that's the thing it's I will here's the thing I don't fuck around with girls anymore but guys is a different story guys are me too I love guys you could piss in my ass whatever yeah look at his body even the side profile it just looks good dude it looks great you fucking look great man yeah you look like a fucking like a sexy monk doesn't he he does he looks like a keto monk yeah Tom's the keto monk I don't look great look at that dude but his ankles are out you know I do feel that we all collectively did get happier here like Chris Larson I don't know if he's in the booth but I mean that guy maybe said five words to me and like the seven years or something that I've known him and here like he's so much happier yeah like everybody I think looks better

happier I think it's a palpable energy when I walked in because things were obviously going great in LA I mean we would see in LA it was fantastic but this is even a level up from that yeah and I think the very obvious on this out the pandy was so so I did the Grammarcy too I shot mine January 22nd at the Grammy yeah it was so great but I felt that New York City was depressed I felt the energy I was like oh this isn't the great New York City now and I bought them all a shot because I was like come on fuck faces this is my Netflix special you're gonna laugh yeah and um it did feel heavy like so so how is the city now is it still it's better now because what a huge thing was I don't I think and maybe if it impacted me more being a parent but once they released the

mass mandates for kids yeah and once our kids were not we're getting off the bus and on the bus with no mask it just feels normal again like you still see people in New York with mass but I would say it used to be I don't know let's say eight out of ten people had mass on now two out of ten do yeah so it I would I was walking around New York City two weeks ago and I had said in March of 2020 when they shut everything down like I would fantasize about like there's gonna be a moment I don't know when when I'm gonna be like wow it's back the world feels like it did in 2019 and that moment happened for me two weeks ago where I was walking down in the West Village and it was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and the kids were playing in the park no mass on running around every

store on the block was wide open nice and I was like I almost got like emotional I was like oh my god like it's back like there's still some like there's a homeless guy pissing on the streets again absolutely yeah I loved it yeah yeah it was just it was great I mean you know you had you had you everybody just being who they are I mean the homeless in New York have the homeless in Portland I just came from Portland the homeless in Portland are like next level next level like where it was like it was insane where I couldn't believe like I saw a guy sitting down on the floor he had like you know like I don't even know like if he looked like he was wearing like a bag over him so I guess he was naked but he had a bag on him you could see his balls a little bit

but he was eating cheese doodles dropping hydrogen peroxide on his feet yeah he was just pouring hydrogen peroxide on his feet screaming going ah and his feet were just like bubbling up and I was like does this guy need help and then I guess just Larry man yeah yeah that's Seattle Portland oh my god San Francisco LA too I mean I you know I saw guys just take shits on the street oh yeah I mean that's pretty like when you see a guy go I'm gonna shit on the street yeah that was in 07 no I saw recently oh yeah I saw it on my last trip there yeah I just yeah take a shit in the street well I know and they're a little Seattle I like Seattle but they are a little they are a little aggressive well passive aggressive because there was a homeless man I saw a homeless man

in Seattle not shitting pissing what you see a lot pissing on the wall and some woman walked by and she was like sir can you put on a mask and I was like what a mask this guy's a homeless guy pissing on the street who cares and then I went into Seattle won a coffee shop and because they are a little crazy with the man the mask made they've been over in New York City yeah so I was in Seattle last weekend I'm about to take it away for the kids now too they took it away yeah so it's great so I go into the coffee shop and I didn't realize there was a sign that said put on a mask I had no idea so I walk in I'm like oh can I get an iced coffee black and the woman's going like this and I was like do I come on my face like what are you doing she's like she's going like this

just keep her cheeks I was like what what is this and she goes mask you need to wear a mask and I said oh I'm sorry and I took it out apologize I was like I'm from New York like we haven't had the mask mandate for a while she goes well in Seattle we take it very seriously still and I was like okay and then she said what would you like I said may I have an iced coffee black she goes you mean a coffee with cream with no cream I said oh boy I said uh yes I said a iced coffee black coffee no cream it's guess the same thing she goes it's not she goes iced coffee black that's a little harsh coffee with no cream sounds better whoa oh my god that's a real thing I was like I'd honestly rather be beheaded by ISIS than talk to this woman yes anymore yeah but these people are so passive

aggressive it's like she doesn't stand like she's raised like that's worse like I don't trust her at all because like if you have to go to the point where you can't even say black iced coffee I gotta tell you something what are you what have you done in your past I love nothing more than coffee like I love it yeah I have to have it yeah in that moment I would have enjoyed speaking violence more than drinking coffee yes like I think I would have been like fuck your fuck that coffee and fuck you yes I want a black coffee with a black dick in it yeah yeah dude I mean that would be great black coffee with a black dick in it yeah just stir it up nice don't contact what I called her a stupid contour face yeah or a black dick doughnut yeah like a cake a heavy one yeah this got me okay

I love hypotheticals right I mean we thrive on them yeah so I was I thought of this a few weeks ago I'm on the road with Jeff Tate I pitched him this and I had a lot of fun with him discussing this okay and now I can tell you guys okay Jeff what a good name Jeff Tate it's great I'm supposed to with a G too right what an asshole yeah I like it hardcore I like it sounds like a like a racist senator yeah Jeff Jeff Tate it's shirt off in your at all y'all all right you're you're a hostage okay okay you are you're in a building that is cold mm-hmm dingy wet um you're given water a little bit like breadcrumbs yeah you're on the first floor of this building and you just obviously want to get out and there's a way out and the way out is there's seven guys

and they're each gonna butt fuck you okay and they have to go to completion the guys are varying levels of attractive with varying levels of penis size so you get to pick the order that you want them in so first up oh boy is this guy okay leo okay okay this is I thought that wasn't a Dove in LA L.A. Nadoff that was L.A. Nadoff oh my god so there's the meme look for it L.A. Nadoff there he is god look at that little peener so you got him okay yeah this guy I like that it's got a nice dog nice dude uh okay this guy there you go uh this guy right like oh yeah easy easy he's got big balls now these are anal anal only sure I heard yeah and to completion right okay he's got to finish okay all right

this guy oh there we go nice they're all uncircumcised why is that yeah he's in the Ukraine right but obviously like nice bod right great bod yeah this guy oh wow he's so happy and his penis too yeah and number seven okay whoa so there it is here's the first asshole I've seen yeah the thing you gotta decide which I think is I mean I think it's clearly it's it's pretty clear to me that you gotta pick what order you want these things because you get to choose okay so the logic would be do you want to start with the the biggest penetration and then kind of wait like work your way down or do you want want to warm up you know start small just loosen it up I already know the answer I mean I have my answer but yeah so to me it make I would I would opt for smallest first

just warm up the oven a little bit stretch it out piece by piece and with this guy here right and with Leroy and then you uh you know you kind of graduate the room but everyone has their own way of looking at see I'd rather be stretched out immediately you would so I'd rather go him purse just really get it open there I mean a big start you know my father would always say go hard or go home right so I would say go hard with him because you stretch me open you really give me a nice cavernous asshole that I because once you can accept that then everything else is you can accept anything yeah it's like you accept it big so I would accept that and then I would go progressively small as a matter of fact I would go him I would have him blast me wide open just rip me to shreds

and then it doesn't matter who's coming in there right because you have no feeling left that's true I like your thinking Chris yeah I agree with the theory however your anus is not as stretchy as your vagina we all know this yeah well so you think about you've never seen my anus the professionals like the pros they're going to shoot a double double anal scene what do they do they start with a butt plug they loosen up okay I get it going and then they kind of all right let's let's warm it up so Chrissy here's the problem like this guy blaster a hole first he's going to create tears there's going to be blood everywhere there's going to be fissures right you know what I'm saying like it's going to be open wounds in there and then the next guy who's going to blow his load

it's going to sting and hurt and burn so I think you want to go little little but gradual gradual gradual and then the grand finisher you're just you're ready you're ready to go open and you're not bleeding well the prop the thing the the real reason why I picked him first is because the truth is I want to come to and he would make me come so I just kind of would he though I'm being serious like you had to choose a hundred percent if I if I if I was uh gay which I don't I don't think I am but if I don't feel that I would you've always been open to the yeah like I'm not I'm not I'm not uh you know listen what does jazz think jazz thinks I'm fully gay she does yes and and uh she's like when you admit that to yourself I think things will get better in everyone's life um I'm like

well my father needs to die for me to explore these options yes right now he's still alive so I could go the first 50 years of my life straight last 50 gay that's a possibility but I would I would say that um the the gay fantasies I have it in my head have almost exclusively involved black men really yes yes well endowed up yeah well endowed black men and not even that's for me it's not even about the penis size you know I it's it's the body type it's the muscles it's being held it's I kind of want to hold hands with the black man that's for me I'm more sensually gay than sexually gay like yeah well you know you got to obviously there's needs but I think you know and I've said this before I think I think I fall in love with men

I have sex with women you told me to describe myself this is what you told me last time you came on you said yeah and that still applies today I still do think there's been many times where I've had a great conversation with the guy and then you want to go about history and then yeah I'll text Jasmine and be like let me see that ass where is this coming from I'm like Segura so would you hold hands with him yes okay I would I'd rather hold hand I would hold hands with him and just get to know him a little bit but would you fuck him too because he's your type if I had to again I'm not gay you know in this situation I I I think he'd make me come the quickest yeah just I you know what would you fuck him if he's like fuck me in my ass uh

what um in the game situation you're saying like tomorrow tomorrow no not yet because I'm not I'm not gay you know but you catch me listen you catch me I've had a nice you know a positive day um you know uh I'm drinking a little bit we're being silly baseball season is back in the swing my allergies are under control I've had some flow nays I'm loopy yeah you know maybe it could happen you do a little pumper too see how it feels yeah but I'm not I I'll say this I would say 95% chance I'll never have sex with a man or be uh ain't only penetrated by a man I don't think I would say I'm close to 9% that will never happen 50% chance a blowjob 50-50 shot blowjob I would say giving or receiving giving or receiving that's a 50-50 just because listen you know sometimes

you want to you know I don't know my deathbed if I'm like what's the one thing I never tried cock and then you try it it's possible you know um it's possible it is but I would say almost 100% chance I'm gonna hold hands with a guy for real like in my life I think when you do come out as gay you know what's gonna get you like real crazy points is that head of hair man you like that fucking a look at your hair you know what I you know what the secret is and I've just learned this I don't shampoo I only shampoo my hair now once a week I do conditioner every day I was told that my hair because it's like um whatever texture wise but my a guy was cutting my hair said your your hair is you have nice hair but you're ruining it but you wash it too much hair doesn't need to

be washed every day it strips the oils and I was like no way and then I just started conditioning it and it's it's everyone's complimenting on my hair beautiful I appreciate it really nice thank you yeah it's waving so everyone's weighed in so guess what what is it you're being released from floor one of this building as a hostage yes now you're going up to the second floor yes and in the second floor there are seven women oh here we go and you have to oh man you have to make them each come okay what okay yeah I have to eat them out yeah oh you have to eat them out or penetrate whatever so because some I just have to make them come I don't have to eat them out you know literally uh reach orgasm some of them like no I need I need to get grounded okay so sorry so

so Chris also has to have them yeah by any means necessary by any means necessary okay so I don't have to necessarily use my face and it's the same kind of thing where it's it's seven oh I don't like that one at all I don't like hers types oh yeah what's wrong with her that's like that one's prettier I like that one yeah these these two are like I would like oh she's pretty yeah what's I don't see any problem no I'm just I'm giving you a full variety here okay that one's fine that one's clean looking yeah oh she's super clean sure like Russian yeah so here's the question okay do you start with the most attractive or do you go I'm gonna work out I'm gonna start at number one so because this is gonna be the hardest one to get my dick up for or do you you know what I mean and then do

you work your way to the most attractive do you mix it up what's your logic take me through it my logic would would would be um first of all I have a very short tongue so for me look at like that's the full tongue okay so it's very short so for me eating girls out never really work it'd be like your your tongue is like it's like a midget's tongue a little person tongue so so I would have to most likely have sex with these women to have any attempt to make them come um so I would say that it would probably be believe it or not this the way my mind works believe it or not it would probably be harder for me to come with the beautiful women and easier for me to come with her really yes because in my I would there would be a panic that would set in

with the attract with the attractive one about this and that but with this woman I think I would take on this approach of like we're all kind of just happy to be here yeah there's no pressure she doesn't care yeah so I would probably blast a load in her belly button quick like really quick I actually may fuck her in the belly button that might make both of us come quicker believe or not um but but I would take that approach um and uh yeah I would I would save her for last I really truth truthfully I would save her for this one I would say I'm gonna go opposite because I'm gonna eat my brussel sprouts before I have my dessert got it you know what I'm saying like I'm gonna do the hard work first I think so too and I actually think the unattractive

one's gonna be easier to make come maybe because like like pretty girls don't do anything I've heard like in bed right like don't they not work hard they just kind of lay there they're not very into it they think it's a privilege like you know that you're with them so like maybe the uggo ones are like easier maybe they're more down because they're like dude somebody's touching me like this is amazing that that's that's what I was going for I think like she would probably be more into it so when do you do this one first she's gonna be the most work she might be the most I mean yeah because you got the tattoo on our vagina like all these things are you like that I love her yeah but they're difficult to deal with yeah you know they're very difficult to deal with because

it's a privilege and they want it this way and they'll just lay there and they won't do anything so it's it's with the other woman I mean the first woman she'll do whatever the hell whatever you want her to do she'll do she'll do she'll do anything so she might be the yeah she'll be like the actually the easiest one first and then she's gonna be the hardest one yeah she's gonna be too much it's gonna be it's gonna be too much what would you do I would start I would because I'm thinking about like with this girl at the right right here being that she's attractive I could definitely maintain an erection and and perform later on right because she's attractive I would think that it'd be if I go her first and I have the the big girl the real big one last I'm like

there's just nothing left to me I'm gonna have to wait here for a week so I would I would get that first nut out with the right with the real that makes sense like an animal at the beginning and then with this one I could still just push through well because that's the real impossibility is there's no chance I'm gonna have seven nuts I'm 37 years old it would take me three months to do but that's not the object but the object isn't you not the object is she not she not but you've got to be able to perform yeah you know yeah but but she won't care because it's about her getting her nut but some women just you can't make them come like someone that's like it's impossible so that's what's so based on them who do you think can come the easiest is it gonna be the hot girl

who might be boring in bed I'll tell you the hardest right here oh hold on her yeah why do you think she comes the hardest I just see it she she has a face that like I come regularly like she's happy yeah yeah she's free use I think you squeeze her tits and she fucking she comes yeah she's like probably someone yeah she's like at a farmer's market she looks like she's from Seattle yeah this is the woman who yelled at me about the black eyes coffee she's like that and I like a bush too a lot of women are going the bush is coming back a little bit I hope so I have full pubes right now I'm a full bush yeah yeah she said I I like a little pubic hair it's manly because I can't grow hair on other parts of my body yeah so she's like if you had a full bush

it would make you feel somewhat of a man deep yeah okay yeah all right because I'm hairless she looks like milky and fertile and yes fun and she eats she eats you know I think she's a lot of she's fun yeah she'll get drunk a little bit I actually feel like this might be the most enjoyable section yeah all right now you leave the second floor oh no and you're like Jesus how many levels I know you're like my steps in I like my ass is fucking my ass is starting to heal my balls are empty my jaw my tongue hurts right and the third floor is a chili right and it's it is it is full it is like a regular Friday night and it you can stay there as long as you want you kind of want to stay there because you are tired you're exhausted you're still a hostage right and there's no other place

you can go you can stay in the chilies right and unless you want to go to the fourth floor but the third floor is this chilies and you just you probably spent a couple days there just eating and you know recovering you know I mean yeah right and if they go if you want to leave you know at this point you can't leave the building and you might not be ready for the fourth floor so you kind of just you you you stay there to recover okay and they go if you if you decide you never want to go to the fourth floor you just live at chilies for the rest of your life oh god when I sleep in the booth and stuff yeah you sleep there and they're always coming over with like they're like you want more nachos and you're like no god damn it but if you actually want

to shit at the chilies leave the building you go to the fourth floor and on the fourth floor yes you have to make these guys come with your mouth okay wow it's the 75 greatest players in NBA history yes and you have to blow them to completion oh shit man and it's the final level this is the one they get now you can go back to chilies if you come up and you go this is just too much you can go back to chilies I have a question I have a question may I blow they all have to be consecutive and in the same day or may I blow like the front row take a break at chilies recuperate come back below the second row you can't go back to chilies in between you have to you have to stay there

and make these men now here's the good thing there's a 75 greatest players in NBA history 15 are dead so you only have to blow 60 got it is there an option to blow the 15 dead ones though there is just because this is the first one you've presented where I don't see any negatives right this is I actually if you gave me an option to live on the fourth floor yeah I take that one surrounded by NBA black rocks are you fucking kidding me I just told you this is what I want I know you did say that this is so I mean to blow magic Johnson I feel like they are watching you blow someone right now yes yes I take Jordan's hearing and you just use it as a cock ring as I blow kareem that's right no this is like literally the fourth floor is heaven for a lot of people

yeah to blow to get I love basketball and to blow the seven to blow hakeem a large one you understand I know but you know what there's things like you know kareem is in his 70s like yeah it's gonna take a while it is gonna take first of all that is a pipe on that man and it's not just gonna be like oh it's in my mouth now it's gonna he's gonna be like you need to work work this a lot of work all the head the like the shaft I need you to get under my balls like you got it and that's the thing is like you finally get a 70 whatever five-year-old guy to nut and you're gonna be like and they'll be like 59 more yeah like it's a lot of work but you don't have to there's no time limit though there's no time limit and there is people break and they go I'm going

back to chilies like they just wait a minute but I oh they break yeah and then you come back up and they're like you're ready to blow 60 guys right now you got it I think you just you got to be mentally prepared for the amount of time it's gonna take it's gonna take so long and your jaw is gonna hurt so bad after Karim alone yeah I mean all these guys are seven footers you know oh my god yeah but you know it's interesting but it is NBA pedigree cock yeah so that's the thing I understand you're old I get what you mean but you have to understand this is the 1% less than 1% the 0.001% of human athleticism in the world this is a privilege and an honor it's like how dare I but right here we're looking at just seven cocks and can you imagine oh my god Dennis Rodman's

saying all kinds of crazy shit yeah also like just physically you know yeah it's a lot yeah I mean your mouth is gonna be really real it's gonna suck you're gonna have to see a fucking surgeon if I might live at chilies you would just live at chill you really big commitment it listen ask someone that's given beaches my most of my adult life sure it's it's work bro and to find out what makes each one of them come right 60 different guys you're not blowing the same guy over and over every guy likes something different you're gonna have to fucking figure out that and because I I mean listen we're taking 75 men or 60 men and 15 dead guys yeah some of them some of them I would argue 20 to 30% want need ass play to come right so you're gonna have to get in their

ass a little bit yeah you're gonna have to yeah for sure so so that's something that now I'm not saying that deters me it doesn't no it's just an option to bring to the group like for sure not energy like just touching Rodman's dick doesn't make him yeah yeah yeah oh we've not even forgot we've forgotten that thing that these guys have gotten laid a lot yeah so so the bar is so high in terms of what they can even find a rousing anymore it's not gonna yeah you go down and blow them and they're like we're the other three yeah three what I usually fuck four at a time exactly yeah you're not gonna cut it for them and maybe Chrissy they don't like dudes so you maybe you're up against that as well but you're definitely up against right so I'm gonna have to fight them to

even just get their cock in my mouth imagine fighting Carmelo Anthony to suck his dick I'm gonna get you I just start beat I have to beat the shit out of Carmelo Anthony and then fucking stick his bloody dick in my mouth can you see why I love this idea I just beat his face it's really good yeah yeah you're fighting like they maybe they're maybe you know like they might be homophobic they might not want to have a man sucking their dick so actually maybe I have the best fighting chance of getting out of this hostage situation oh yeah yeah they'll have no problems with you yeah you're right so maybe compared to YouTube pigs I'll be like the bell of the ball yeah and they'll see me come in they're like oh yeah yeah no if they had to see

us first yeah I prayed you guys out first then you go in there you're gonna get out of this building real quick oh yeah you'll you'll you'll you'll certainly win it'll be faster too yeah because you're like wait who do I have to choose from this guy this guy why are we in this we're the greatest athletes ever why are we getting blown on your mom's house why are we at this Chili's man yeah um I think it's a it's fair I would fall in love with Duane wait I mean Duane Wayne's a handsome guy look at her hands you know ripped rich classy stylish Chris Paul's got beautiful eyes yeah Steph Curry I might Steph Curry just just because I think he's even though he's one of the greatest players of all time so he just looks like a weak little

bitch I may just turn around and fuck him in the ass a little bit even though I don't have to just to do it wow that is aggressive yeah just be like oh you fuck you yeah you know yeah like just because just dunk more yeah just you know what I mean just you're stop being a little dainty bitch I know you're a greatest shooter but you're a little dainty so I might he might get a little pumps in the ass wow who knows though I mean you know how honored would you be to be on in front of MJ on your knees though oh my god are you kidding that see that's the thing with me is really what's gonna take the longest is I'm going to use the rest need the rest not because of my mouth because I'm gonna come with a few of these guys and then I need a I need an hour nap I need

to reset but getting on blowing MJ you know how do you not come LeBron yeah you know so that's the issue so there's things to factor in yeah um but yeah very thought-provoking question I like it thanks bringing this up well that's what that's what we are you know I mean that's what the kids we want the kids to think you know yeah and and by the way if you're at home and you're watching or listening you know let us know how you would do it too please um yeah let yeah now by the way you came in for a YMH live I did one of our favorite that's when Tina had had the tats and I love Tina I if Tina was a real woman like then I might take back some of the things I said about Jasmine I feel like I can't be with you Jasmine I need Tina yeah it was real his love of Tina you kept looking at her really

and I felt that palpable sexual energy Tina there you know it was uh it was all it was all over the room everybody was everybody Tina really turned this room around did you stay as Tina a little bit for Tom at night or did you get we kept the sleeves sleeve yeah it's like a new woman right no it was right yeah it felt like yeah it was exciting yeah really exciting and I was like you know I know you've been in prison and I know this shit like you fucking whore and nice yeah it's really cool um love it you got to sit through the heavy segment and we realized there was some clips since then that you haven't seen no and I'd love to see it we'd love to show you yeah because you got that heavy segment was uh oh yeah nice what is that HPV yeah anal warts uh mine don't look

like that yeah I'll tell you what it looks like seashells though I know it looks like uh yeah it looks like barnacles barnacles it looks like uh some of the stuff they put in yogurt just got the chills it's rough oh that good thing he's wearing a condom though yeah now that is he yeah no yeah looks like he's wearing a rubber is it pull it out oh god I think I don't think he is I see it you see okay oh I thought it was just the warts yeah that's uh that's that's not good that's not good but you wonder why wouldn't he just get the warts removed maybe it feels better I don't know I could easily vomit looking at this clip easily yeah see I don't I've never seen warts oh god anal warts I can't imagine I'd rather just to get the warts on my cock and balls than in your asshole

because they're not just on the outside of his ass right inside of his ass too and you do get those removed right that's where you can easily get them frozen off get them frozen this is a choice okay oh my here we go the fact he's not hard is mind blowing oh wow that's come yeah how is that not killing I don't know how was seriously how is that not killing I don't know that's really penetrating isn't that going through his organs yeah yeah yeah yeah that's pretty god what what but what I will comment on is great he's in great shape yeah super love to have body fat like that yeah that's a good screen guys are savage yeah yeah that's disgusting I can't believe he's soft I know and he's well hung lip yeah that's a good hang that

gets about eight easy eight there we go look at the balls I forgot what you're seeing what I'm seeing is is a man put a drill bit in the tip of his penis uh in his multicolored penis um and his balls are are they have a noose around them it's like he's going yeah his balls are are tied up with rope and he's and he's gotta uh he's getting off he's getting off is yeah he better the amount of pain in that is I mean is he nutting when you put a drill bit in your that does not feel good oh oh that was good oh Jesus oh that the blood got me yeah good I know what you want to save yeah yeah no the blood the blood ever all the other ones I'm like I can maybe even come to these but the blood coming out of that one is wait and you know what I like

he's wearing like a button down shirt and like a suit jacket yeah he's like he's like at work yeah i'm gonna take a break cold place we go in the bathroom yeah he's like a furniture salesman just going in the back this is something you don't always see is this a mutilated dick yeah I think it's just like a small uncircumcised oh oh I thought he was oh yeah and he's putting uh he's putting bees on his cock are those wasps wasps wasps nice wasps on their stinging there are some horrific looking penises yeah right what is that good it's not you got to get circumcised out there yeah right like you do you do you have if you're if you're in the western ish world like you know europeans aren't but if you're american yeah but what are you doing i mean because that's an uncircumcised

i mean what are we doing oh and he's letting them go in the urethra now what's the hook he has coming i think it's gonna keep that hole open oh that the wasps can fly in there no is this a what is this what is what a i don't know Jesus and then afterwards it's just all swollen and that's what he likes that's what yeah that makes his dick hard is that how we get pollen a honey i meant and what kind of honey is this yeah this is yeah the stuff you put in your tea what's that chris so what this looks like to me is i actually is that her frost yeah frostbite that's a frostbite toe there you go so she's ripping her frostbitten toe off or he yeah um and this is why i don't go hiking i mean

was that oh casually to go to the doctor why are you doing what are you doing what are you doing yeah it doesn't it disinfectant or whatever antiseptic yeah like this is numb it oh what are you doing this is what the portland homeless guy was doing that's his person's toe that was they just ripped their entire toe i thought it was just the nail it's the whole so what yeah like who are these people doing this why did do they not have health care i feel so sad you can get it now you can get it dude obama care yeah oh wait i'm like dude that person ripped their toe they ripped their toe off like with no problem yeah like they were like they were cutting their nails yeah that that is um something i've never i mean i bite my nails i bite my toenails even when i had the

flexibility but i've never done that i've never ripped a toe off you ever done this is that what's inside my asshole yeah yeah oh what is that come coming out of his ass that's not what is it it's like mucus oh fluid dude the most disgusting thing is the hair on this guy's ass shave your ass this fucking dr drew saw this and he was like there's a good chance that the guy on the left dead within 15 minutes really yeah why i mean i guess he's like you know that color and the fact that i don't like hanging outside can we stop this really he thought he think this guy could have been died from that could have could have i usually have alcohol when we do this i wish you could have given me a i know this is nice this is like a nice afternoon treat yeah

this is lunch all right last one last one babe i'm not feeling good now last can i go pee hold on just last one oh what he's cutting it with a scalpel is this a doctor is this just a guy hanging out this is just some fucking this is just some guy in Cincinnati oh my god this is what i'm doing is a scalpel through that there's a scalpel through the top of the head of his fucking penis yeah it's a lot and he's got pubes and wrinkly old balls oh no his penis is bleeding out now there's a fountain it's like a water fountain of blood coming out of the top of his cock yeah so these are ones that have been on other lives that i wanted to show you i mean this is yeah the fact of the matter is this is is i want to come on another

live you got i love because this is like first of all i mean is this for pleasure this for sure yeah yeah this and by the way do you think that he's like i'm gonna make a video i don't know what i'll do or he's like you know every few months when this thing heals i know exactly what i like to do this guy does this regularly yeah how does that not kill him that's spurt of blood that's a very real yeah that's a big pain it's a lot of blood it's an artery that yeah i was gonna say like when it spurts out like that yeah that's a problem like it looks like a water fountain of blood it looks like a twizzler coming out of the top of its cock oh this is can you can't even show the shit on youtube right no no you can see it at yma studios dot com if you want to wear that's what it

is this is an all this is tom's only fan oh my god um this is i mean that is um those i will say i believe are worse than the ones because you guys when we were uh the live that i did was shit heavy it was like yeah yeah what's shit you know i guess i don't mind i don't mind shit i've dealt with so much human shit now but this is heavy this is bloody penises and anal warts is it's rough to see yeah cutting cutting yeah i mean screwdriver we we're going we're we are gone months now without doing a live because of touring and everything sure and now we're eyeballing a date for our next one okay but it gives us so much time that we're able to curate some really heavy spectacular stuff yeah it's gonna be yeah we're able to get it to the point where you get

alive where you actually get somebody in here in person to do they rip their assholes out is that a possibility it's not impossible yeah yeah because that that is you know i i think you guys are going to graduate to that if you haven't already yeah because because why not idea down go ahead because that would be something really if we do that you're coming i'm here no i'm coming out i'm coming that's what i'm saying i want to see you jerk off we do that you better have face shields yeah because somebody's getting pink eye yeah um all right now listen this um this episode is going to come out on april 6 we don't know if you will be on youtube on netflix on both yeah but by that time at least news will be like we're preparing people to go to both places

go to both places but at worst case scenario on that date it might not be in either place but you will have announced what the resolution is 100 i will have announced what the resolution was by then something is coming out april 6 on my youtube at youtube.com slash christie comedy i don't care if the netflix deal hasn't been signed yet if if it hasn't been then i'm putting the full special out on youtube that day 100 nobody can stop me if we have done something i'm still going to put some type of clip or something out to direct you where to go to see it so yeah april 6 youtube.com slash christie comedy today just be there get on it um and then also if you want april eighth i'm in indianapolis april ninth i'm in denver nice beautiful so a couple of days

great cities great shows um super happy for you man thank you so good to see you we're killing it and i appreciate it i'm glad to watch truthfully i like i said the last time i mean it again can't have it without you guys because you know what the truth is and there's no no disrespect to anyone but i feel a little bit of like you know because everybody a lot of my peers at at my level they've gotten themselves up to this point but they've gotten a big push from a netflix or like a joe rogan i never had any of that my big push came from you guys so i appreciate it please i never got the i never got on netflix i never did joe rogan i never did any of the things literally you're amazing so i appreciate you and i text you too i send you messages like see what you're doing

you're fucking killing no i know i appreciate the text we love you so please come back anytime next time i'm coming with jasmine yeah and the fucking kids yes even the i even was exchanged messages with sal so we'll get we're gonna get sal the hell out here yeah sal's the best great hair sal you want to talk about good hair wait until you see sal's hair when he cuts it i mean it got it got real fucking yeah manifesto-y for a minute yeah with the it looks crazy yeah crazy and shit yeah yeah yeah yeah i want to see him see shit like this too oh no no sal he i'll tell you what yeah he's gonna throw up sal good we'll vomit so i know that you guys want yeah absolutely sally b i love you guys thank you too man all right crazy congrats

she made me do copious amounts of cocaine with her to the point i thought my heart was gonna stop she told me to calm down gave me a drink and i don't know what was in the drink but i blacked out and when i woke up she had both my legs over her shoulders so nobody's paid me to confess this now and i've kept it under wraps for all these years because i knew that no one would believe me hillary clinton ate my asshole hillary clinton ate my asshole

hillary clinton ate my asshole can hillary do this to you yeah of course you wouldn't mind what would i mind she's a little bossy it's fine yeah yeah i'm sure it wouldn't be that fun but i mean i would still do this you know i think i would just do it for the story i think hill's would be fun with it for you and her do you have any idea what kind of story that is well i i can't believe it happened i know i mean i mean this guy's telling it to his mom and he's telling it to his mom and he's telling it to his mom story that is well i i can't believe it happened i know i mean this guy's telling it to his youtube

channel but yeah the mess had happened before she was married to bill i don't think that's what he's saying but you think this is like recent of course wow recent isn't at least recent during the hillary clinton ate my asshole hillary clinton ate my asshole hillary clinton ate my asshole

hillary clinton ate my asshole