Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 655 - Brian Simpson - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

Welcome back to the Mommy Dome with Tom Segura and Christina P! Tom is learning toilet Italian, a rock climber has a bathroom accident, Christina shares a really cool story about peeing at the DMV, and some Victoria's Secret models are starting a drag queen super group.  Then, standup comedian Brian Simpson (The Standups, Netflix) returns to join the main mommies to discuss the Will and Jada Smith backlash, attempted cancelings, and we sho w Brian some cool clips! Brian always has the best advice and he gives some to mommies who wrote in with questions about family relationships, late in life dating and bathroom policies. With that we discuss the late Kevin Samuels and Millionaire Matchmaker Pattie Stanger, we get an update on Tom "losing the bet" to his mom Charo, and take a look at a few Horrible or Hilarious clips. We look at a very upsetting batch of Christina's TikToks and Detroit Urban Survival videos.

Cool, all these people on the wall. Oh. These are... So glad you asked. Nobody's asked that. These are... No one asked that? No.

No, you're the first. These are all like people we've highlighted over the years, like cool guys. Oh, that's a sweaty old man. Yeah. Yeah. You know, people over the years have asked me, Christina, is it true that you really,

do you really sleep on a Satva mattress? The answer is yes, I do. I love this company, Satva mattress. It's SAA TVA. That's the name of the company. The highest quality for the most reasonable price because they don't have all the ridiculous overhead that these shops do that you see like on the street.

So that is that they're online and I know it feels risky. It's not, you have a 90 day in-home trial. If you don't like the mattress, you can send it back. They'll even take away your old mattress for a nominal fee. I sleep on the sole layer every night. It goes up, it goes down, it vibrates, it lights up. I mean, it's the best. And then luxury firm, that was our first one,

and the Lumen Leaf, which is amazing as well. They're all great. Get yourself a king size mattress. Go to satva.com slash the shit for $200 off your next Satva purchase. Again, satva.com slash the shit for $200 off. 清창,清창,清창,清창,清창,清창, 清창,清창,清창,清창,清창,清창,

清창,清창,清창,清창,清창,清창, what the fuck with my mic? But she gotta have a career. And vision. He gotta send her flowers on a Tuesday. Nowadays, I've been like, oh, hell no, bitch! I'm a bad mother, because I make crazy ass videos. And don't care about nothing, but fucking her nuts.

So whatever, come on, Yoosef, bitch. I'm just gonna get you some Bался speculative diagns dynasty in life. Now, accurately, take your dick in the wrong hall. Take your dick in the wrong hall. I'm ugly. Take your dick in the wrong hall. I'm ugly.

Take your dick in the wrong hall. I'm ugly. Take your dick in the wrong hall. I'm ugly. Take your dick in the wrong hall. I'm ugly. Take your dick in the wrong hall. I'm ugly.

Take your dick in the wrong hall. I'm ugly. Bitch style, he is fucking bitch. Bitch style, he is fucking bitch. Style, he is fucking bitch. Style, he is fucking. I can't stand when somebody comment under one of my video. Is she high?

No, motherfucker, I am blessed. Hey. Oh, no. Welcome to your mom's house. Another episode of your mom's house. Happy to be here. Coming to you from Austin, Tejas. I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot.

And got a lot to cover today. Also have a great guest coming in. Oh, M.G. It's gonna be a lot of fun. Our jeans are so high for this next guy. So high. I have never felt smarter because I am using the apps while I go to the bathroom to learn Italian.

Toilet Italian. Toilet Italian is on fire. You've been practicing your Italian. And I hear you in there and then I'm like, oh, Tom is practicing and you practice in bed. Now, instead of watching Murderer, you've been learning Italian. Yeah, it's great. It's really great.

I feel like I've probably learned 100 words. No kidding. Yeah. What's your favorite thing to say? I don't know if there's a favorite thing to say because I'm still in the listening, reading, and typing thing. Sure. I'm not actually saying that.

I don't help a lot, but you know, and it's also, there's like these similarities. There's Latin roots, obviously, to all of those languages. And then there's things that are like very similar, like Senna in Spanish is dinner and it's Cena in Italian. You know, then there's things, Colaptione is breakfast, which is totally different, right? This ayuno is breakfast. This ayuno.

Chibo is food. What is that in Spanish? Comida. It's like Italian. Foccietta is a fork. Oh. You can tell I'm doing a food chapter right now. Yeah.

But yeah, all these, you know, it's like, it's just, it's fun, they make it fun to practice. Italian sounds like fancier Spanish. It does. It just sounds like prettier Spanish. Prettier Spanish. Sing along Spanish, but it sounds like... Yes. Yeah.

I hear you and I'm like, oh, I wonder what that meant. Buona se. Yeah. Yeah. It's all, it's very like sing-songy. La donna, you find your 20 and I'm like, the woman. La donna mangia il pane. Yeah.

See? They teach you like a child. That's how you realize, to learn a language, you have to be prepared to speak like a child at first, because you have to get down all the basics, you know? Yeah. You have to be able to put your ego aside and go, I'm a dumb fucking baby. You do. That's exactly.

Fucking three-year-old. Uh-huh. Yeah. Teach me. Yeah. Teach me. You're like a sinner. Yeah, of course.

And then you flush and then it's done. Yeah. And then I flush and I go, that's the lesson for today. Yeah. No, but I've been, you know, I've been doing it on between shows. Great. Usually you're on your phone, scrolling dumb shit and I'm sitting here doing Italian stuff. It's awesome.

Yeah. Yeah. I was doing Spanish for a while and, you know, I'm always on the talk because it's my happy place. Of course. I read the telegraph to get my English news, but I, you know, it's always good to grow your brain. It is.

And I figure, you know, I'll do this for a while, get my Italian up to a certain level and then go over and see those greasy whops in person and see what my level is at. Hey, let me get a fucking penne marinara there, Guido. That's how they eat there. Yeah. Yeah. I just tried to explain to Nadav that Italian food is totally different than just red sauce. Yeah.

And he just like, I don't think you understood that what we meant by that, like they don't just eat calzones. Well, I mean, look at our staff. I know. Jesus Christ. It's fucking. So. Uh.

Not sophisticated. What is it? Not sophisticated. Not a cultured group of people. No. He does not speak toilet Italian like you do. There should be a chapter on, so you're taking a shit as you're doing this. And then it's like, I wipe my ass and you learn how to say, wipe my ass.

This is some Italian, like slang here. Practice. Let's hear it. Okay. I mean, when you want someone to buzz off, buzz off, cling to their own cock, I like that. It's testicle. This is the best reserve for a dummy or a doofus.

Doofus. Cretino. Cretan. That makes sense. Fool. Cretino. Deficiente. Moron.

For sure. Ditto nel culo. If someone has a finger in your butt, it means they're a real pain. Sure. Why are you such a ditto nel culo? Ditto nel culo. I like that one. If you want to snub someone for being full of it, in briglione, tell them they're a crook.

Amortacci tua, your dishonored dead ancestor. That's cool. This is when the foreign language gets so good. In Spanish, in Spain, they say, me cago en tus muertos, which is I shit on all your dead relatives. I like that one. How do I say it? Me cago?

Me cago en tus muertos. Me cago en tus muertos. That's I shit on all, everyone in your lineage. That's dope. That's a dope pencil. And I think we should adapt that to English. I had a bit about it when I was doing the Spanish shows. Remember the Spanish stand-up show?

I would talk about how much better their insults are. Well, I think we should start doing it on the show. Amortacci tua, that's very good. Mamalucco. If you want to call someone stupid or naive, in a very patronizing way. Mamalucco. Mamalucco. What is this here?

Prendila en culo de un chicucho. I don't fucking know. Chicucho in brazilito. I don't know. The Spanish from a runaway donkey. Oh. Yeah. I think that's level two.

I'm not there yet. Well, that's another one in foreign language when they incorporate donkeys or horses or you know. There's always farm animals. Yeah. Scroccione. Hospi... That's a good...

Oh, someone who overstays their welcome. They're a freeloader. You call them scro... Scro... Scroccione? Uh... Figato. The most basic answer means loser.

But if you recall our earlier link, where Figo is a reference to female genitalia woven in here too. Okay. Va... In... My lord. Go toward ruin. Oh my God.

It's very nice. There you go. Go fuck your dead family members. There you go. Favanculo achite morto. Favanculo. Go fuck your dead family members. That's a good one.

That's a really good one. This one. This is a nuclear option. Yeah. Favanculo achite morto. Wow. Yeah. Fuck your dead family members is really good.

I forget. Is it chi or chi? That's the part that gets in your head when you're Spanish, English, and Italian. I forget now. I'm guessing chi. Maybe chi. Favanculo achite morto. Yeah.

It's Spanish. It's chi. You're right. So I think... Yeah. And then chi in Italian is like double C's. Uh huh. I think it's chi.

Like focaccio bread. There you go. Look at chi. Capuccino. Capuccino. You stupid prick. Yeah. Yeah.

Favanculo. Okay. You're very granny in your aunt too. They do talk with their hands. Very handy. Did they teach you that on your app? No. And I wipe, I wipe, but we did this one.

Oh, this one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is it normal meatballs left for nobody? Is it not pasta? It's sacchia mamititi. Yeah.

Yeah. Very cool. Again? Yeah. I have to scoot more to the left again, native. All right. Let's play our opening clip, okay? Is that better?

Let's go. You ready? I'm ready, mommy. I'm ready. It's fucking super stuck, dude. Come on. You want me to come below me? Yeah.

It's stuck, stuck. This is fucked up. Guys, I don't know what to do. Come on. You all right, man? You ever stuck rock climbing? I would hate this. I'm gonna start forcing on your knee or anything.

No, no, no. It's not that. Put it in. I'm listening. Why you shut my pants? This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone mother to me.

You got me. Don't burn me in the fucking stand. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me.

I got it. The machines. I can't forget to do. That's not a secret language. You're talking into the mic. I know. Okay. That's why they love me.

Okay. What would you like to tell me? It's not perfect. I'd like to do my dates. I got a plug. I got to sell tickets. All right. I'm not sold out in every city like some people.

Neither am I. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. All right. Guys, I'm super stoked to announce this drops one night of May 20th. Oh, I'm at the Irvine. No, 5-Eleven. 5-Eleven.

Cap City. I believe it's up for business. May 18th in Austin, Tejas. May 20th in 21st, the Irvine Improv. Don't do it. It's bad. The Borgata Atlantic City, New Jersey, June 4th. Boston Massive Huge tits the Wilbur June 5th.

F-A-R-T. Washington, D.C., July 15th and 16th. You got some nerve, dude. San Francisco at Cobb's Comedy Club, July 29th and 30th. I turn it to a telescope. July 31st, Seattle, Washington at the Neptune Theater. If you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. August 12th and 13th, Cleveland, Ohio.

Don't be stingy. And then we rescheduled Minneapolis tits to August 26th and 27th. For yummy pussy. Great. Nashville in October, Christina P. Online.com for tickets. The word, the R word. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much.

Those were great. Those were great. Those were perfect. Thank you so much, Tom. Sure. So this guy was rock climbing and he asked in his piece. I saw it. I'm going to shit my pants.

Oh, no, dude. He's stuck in the wall. He is stuck in there. It's terrifying. All right, you got to relax. Okay. This is going to work itself out. I know.

I'm sorry. It's all right, dude. Dude, I am panicking inside for this. Yeah, that's terrifying. I'm panicking. I'm shitting my pants watching this. This is terrible. First of all, I got my knees stuck in the crack and I got quite scared.

I couldn't get it out. And then I shit my pants. Looking on the bright side, I'm glad I had professional photographer and videographer there to capture the magic. So I can remember this for the rest of my life. I'm not happy. But you know what? I guess if you climb enough offlets, one of these days, you're going to get your knees

stuck and then shit your pants. Oh, I love him. He's great. I hope our kids have this type of an attitude when something bad happens to them. Well, I could tell you one who wouldn't. I don't think that Ellery kid would. He'd be like, fuck you for recording that. Yeah, so angry.

What a great attitude this guy had. He does have a great attitude. Dude, I would have straight panicked too and shit my pants and vomited. I would panic so hard if that were me. I think that's most people. Fuck. Very few people know to calmly approach that type of situation. I mean, he's obviously experienced and he got.

My heart is like literally pounding, just thinking about. That doc I watched about the, it's a phenomenal doc. I think you can see it on Disney. We talked about it. It's the one about the rescue, the Thai rescue. The panic you feel watching that thing is like, even though you know how it ended up, you're like, when you see them in these caves, these dark caves, and they're like swimming into little gaps, you're like, oh no.

It's not for me. Yeah, claustrophobia. It's not for me. Like, you know, you've done it when you've been out in the ocean and maybe you come up on a reef, like a coral reef and it's shallow. Yeah. You ever had that happen and you're, you're panicked because the water levels here, the reef is here.

Like I've had to delicately swim over, you know, and you're just the panic. You have to like stay calm. Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like this hobby. Fuck your hobby. Fuck your lifestyle. Yeah.

Don't do this to yourself. The crazy thing. Why are they doing this to themselves? The craziest thing about that, that story, the Thai rescue thing, if you haven't heard it or you don't know, is that the people who were the highest level that actually ended up, you know, greatly contributing and rescuing a bunch of the kids were hobbyists. So even like the military, you know, seat, like the dive teams and everything,

like their Thai Navy SEALs, they're not cave swim. That's a hobby. You know what I mean? Yes. So they were like, how do we do it? Like, and the people who were like, oh, I do this for fun. I swim in the caves for fun. That's who they reached out to that was able to.

Which makes perfect sense. It does make sense when you think about it. Because if you love it, that you do it in your free time and you've done it for years and years and years, who better than the guy that just loves cave diving? The guy that, those guys, they were just like dads. They were just like regular guys and they were like in their fifties and they're like these guys, they show up. The A team?

Yeah. And they're like, they're British guys and they were like, oh no, it's a dive. Fun. I'm a bit of an introvert. I don't really talk to people much. And they're like these fucking guys? Yeah. Yeah.

Super cool. It was really cool. Do you think any of your hobbies will ever be used to save people's lives? Toilet Italian. That could come up. We need somebody who speaks toilet Italian. To save these children from the well. Li warmini manja.

Quick, who can say fuck your mother in Italian the fastest? It's a girl. Yeah. I don't think a bunch to know. I can poorly oil paint. I've started oil painting. I'm terrible at it. I gave you my first masterpiece.

Yes. I appreciate it very much. It's in my office. But I made a rookie mistake. I had it in the easel, the canvas or whatever. And then I didn't paint the bottom part because it was wedged in the... But that's why it's special. That was a rookie.

So fucking stupid. Fucking dumb bitch. I mean, when I looked at it, I was like fucking idiot. But I hung it up. Suck. It's special because of that though. It's special. I'm trying to think if I have any other useless skills.

No, no. I can tell a fart joke and lighten the mood. Yeah. I don't have any like, none of the things that like apply to if life were like if it's important. Yeah. No. All my things are not important. Stupid.

I don't have any important skill sets. I can't even do CPR. I can barely change a light bulb. Can I tell you something? Sometimes there's moments where you feel like insecure about it. Sure. And then you go, what? You know what?

I don't care. Like I really actually feel like the world will end before it's like important. So I don't really care that I don't have that many. Well, I think one of the blessings in the skies... I don't have like a fire. No, I don't ever know. The blessing in the skies of being middle-aged is that you accept your limitations thoroughly. Yeah, yeah.

And you have the resources to outsource those limitations. I can't do this thing, but I can pay a guy fucking 30 bucks to do it. Yeah, yeah. And I don't care. I'm not going to learn that in this lifetime. Right. I'm not going to learn plumbing. No time for that shit.

No. I'm not in this life. Now, actually I lied. I have one fantastic hidden skill. And I don't know if this is because of years of being a woman. Okay. Or yeah, it's definitely because I'm a woman. It is.

So I'm going to fucking share it with you. Are you ready? Yeah. I'm going to share the DMV. And of course, in pure Texas fashion, I show up, hey, y'all, lunchtime, we got to go to and I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Right? So I wait an hour in the parking lot for lunchtime to be over, right?

Till the fucking waddling employee comes back. I see her going, but anyway, I'm waiting there. I'm waiting there. And I go, I got to take a pitch real bad, real bad. Yeah. I had my coffee and then I hydrated on top of it. And I'm like, dude, I got to fucking piss. So I walk up and around the DMV is also where the criminals go to register for probation.

They're closed for lunch too. And I got a full tank. I'm ready to piss my pants. Now, thankfully in our car, you tint out the windows like a real gangster. So I go into the car, I go in the back seat because that's extra dark. I find one of our kids water bottles and I position myself perfectly. I mean, like perfectly over that. And I pissed in the canteen and I have to tell you, I fucking filled that bitch to the top.

That's how much piss I had. It was like a tall, like one of the tall skinny ones the boys drank out of. And then you know what I did? Yeah. Took it right out. And I fucking poured that shit out on the DMV lawn. You're nasty as hell. Or resourceful as fuck.

Yeah, that's true. Having to piss. I pissed with the boys in the car. I did. I took them to a museum. I took them to a museum like a month ago. In here? Yeah.

And we were in a parking garage and I was like, fuck. I don't have to go back. You know, when you get a man, you're like, let's go. And they're like, ah, I have to piss. So I just grabbed some bottle that was there. And they were like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm reading. And they were like, what?

I just fucking look at something. I pissed. I was like, oh. So good. It's such a relief. Well, and here's the problem is that I let our boys piss like in our backyard. I let them pee outside because they're boys. I get it.

Okay. Yeah. So we were at this farm on Saturday and Ellis was jumping on the Jumper Rooney thing and he's like, mom, I got, I had a pee. And then he just runs to like the corner of this public place, like the corner of like the gate. And he's like starting to pull. I'm like, no, no, no, you can't just do that.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. You have to go to the porta potty. Yeah. You see how they learn stuff? Whoopsie. Yeah. I'm like, but it was all families.

Like anybody would have been like. You should encourage toilets. I do. But in a pinch, I don't mind them pissing outside. Yeah. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't want them. I don't want to get arrested that day. I don't think it's a big deal. You know, boys would piss in woods on in streams like, you know, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Quality for peeing in public. Yeah.

So you gotta be, you gotta think about lighting area. Yeah. Who's around. Yeah. So if anybody shames me, it's like, you're just shaming me because of my gender. Like I should be able to pee wherever I want to. That is true. So don't even think about shaming me.

That is very, that's a good point. Good point. Using multiple pronouns. My pronouns is she, her. And mine are they she, but today I prefer she. Prefer. I thought preferred pronouns were outdated. Well, respecting someone's pronouns is not a matter of preference,

but you can use preferred pronouns when referring to someone who uses multiple pronouns and has a preference as to when each one is used. Some people use pronouns interchangeably, and it's not really our business to know why. And that's okay. Wait, but it is my business to know why. Well, just to know, but if they can change them at will, then I'm always at risk of offending them because I don't know what their pronouns are.

I just don't like it. Many people put their pronouns in order of priority. For me, they she reflects that I prefer folks to default today and use she depending on context. They are helping me with this video and doesn't she look amazing. If you know someone who uses multiple pronouns, see how they refer to themselves. And if possible, respectfully ask them what they prefer. It may take some practice, but it's worth it. And it's necessary to honor and respect people.

How smug. Don't you find this to just be... It's necessary to honor an internet and then the pronouns. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. I think she is very pretty on the left, and they kind of look like a Victoria's Secret model on the right. That's right, Tom.

The 2022 version of Victoria's Secret. Not the 1990s Victoria's Secret. Different eras all together. All the years. Everybody looks different. Different folks, same strokes. Same things for everybody. Oh my God.

So this one's been floating around the TikTok world is there's an account of down syndrome people that also like to dress in drag. I don't know if you've seen this. Um, yeah. Why do you say it like that? Why aren't you inclusive in celebrating it? My name is Fina Starr. And I am Lady McGee.

The keys of girls. My darling, Queens. He just rides out in the whole mood, didn't he? I don't know if he's in control of that. He's sour. Francesco. Francesco just kind of maybe is, you know what I mean? What?

Flatter with energy. Yeah. Francesco. I mean, do they know what they're doing? It does. I think so. I think it's fun. I think it's fun.

I mean, I don't know that they know what they're doing because here's the deal. I can dress Bitsy up in almost anything. She lets me put sweaters on her. Oh my God. My dog lets me put anything on her. She doesn't know any better. I'm saying that. I'm just saying that, you know, certain people don't really give consent to do stuff.

I think they know. I think they know what's happening. I don't know. Do they? Again, I could put Bitsy in like a Nazi uniform or no. You think you could dress them up as Nazis? Probably. I don't think anyone gets the context here.

Shit. Wait, do you remember the kids of Whitney High? Yes. Do you know that I still, their tunes are so catchy that I still sing. Throw away. Throw away. Throw away the trash. Come on everybody.

Throw away the trash. Yes. See, we still sing the kids of Whitney High. That was the best thing ever is that if you don't know the kids of Whitney High is a group of children with learning disabilities that recorded songs. They mostly have Down syndrome. And the songs were so catchy. Yeah, they're catchy and they're also pretty simple.

Like throw away the trash. Come on everybody. So I got the CD and then I went home and I was driving with my dad and I had it in the CD player. So they were just playing. I just kind of turned it up like mid volume. He's just driving for a while and he goes, the hell is this? I was like, oh my God.

He's like, it's terrible. I was like, you don't dig it? He was like, no. What is this song? Remember that one, you better watch out or the insects will get you. Well, yeah. That was a good one. I like their songs.

Can you please look at the playlist? So I want to go down memory lane with the kids of Whitney High because I mean, look, it's stuck with us now. That's like a song like don't touch them just because they're pretty. Yes. You can look at the pretty girl, but don't grab her. Oh, I remember that one. I got a new car.

Yeah. How's it going? Yeah, you better watch out or the insects will get you. Yeah. That was a good one. Yeah. But I like the kids of Whitney High because it was something productive that they all, this kids had a purpose and they didn't they do concerts and stuff.

Yeah. And I sold the CD and it was like, I loved it. It was a win-win. It was great. It was great. It was fun for us. Fun for them. It was definitely fun.

But however, drag syndrome to me feels more, I don't feel the same sense of community that I did with the kids of Whitney High. It feels more exploitive, right? Like dressing them up. Well, I don't know that that's, do they really know what drag means, what the community means? I mean, you're asking, those are different questions. I think dressing up is probably a lot of fun. I think a lot of people probably just get a thrill out of that.

Like the wigs, the makeup, the clothes, like all that could be fun. The concept of what it means to be dragged maybe isn't not, you know, fully grasped by everybody participating. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe they don't care. Maybe they're like, I just love to dress up like this. Which is also fine, right?

I mean, if somebody likes to do it, they like to do it. Yeah. You know, cosplay, whatever. You can get in, wear without, you know. If it's fun, seems like they're having fun. They are having fun. Except for Francesca. It didn't seem too fucking interesting.

He's not interested. Yeah. Sorry. We don't know the pronouns. Everyone was like, oh, and he's like, Francesca. Let's hear Francesca again. He ruined the whole mood. Yeah.

I'm a finished star. Yeah. I am lady. Okay. Fun. The keys of girls, my darling queens. Francesca. He's like, fuck you.

I'm not about this shit right now. Francesca. Yeah. All right. Well, they all look great though. I mean, you have to say that. They do. Their makeup looks impeccable.

Yeah. They look very good. Yeah. That's a lot of work. Yeah. A lot of work went into that. To dress and drag. Oh my gosh.

All right. What a nightmare. Well. You better watch out or the insects will get you. Yeah. Throw away. Throw away. Throw away.

Throw away. The fact that your dad would get mad. It was so cute. Oh yeah. Well, he didn't know what I was playing. That was fantastic. He really didn't know what was going on. Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with a guest.

After these messages. Because I fucking saw all these tweets. I'm like, am I, everybody hate me right now? No. But it was very quick. It was passing. The thing is, nobody hates you that didn't hate you before. True.

That's true. True. Is this your usual enemies with different reasons? And none of them, none of the people who I feel like were writing to me were people who even knew who I was to begin with. You know what I mean? It wasn't like people who were like, I believed in you and you disappointed me when you called her a bald-headed bitch.

But you know what? A lot of people forget like, Jamie, he gets a demon. Yeah. Yeah. Like why don't we keep acting like, because right before all the Oscar shit, remember? Yeah. We were sick of that family because of her. Will Smith was, he was, he was this close to Bill Murray status where people felt so

bad for him and were so, you know, so impressed that he endured this fucking succubus. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And the slap kind of, because he slapped, because of who he slapped, it kind of took that away. But, but people act like Dana Pinkett is this like fragile angel that has to be protected in office.

Like, no, she's an evil bitch. She destroyed this man. She treats him like shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Son's friends.

Yeah. Yeah. She sucks. But that's, that's okay. It's one thing to fuck. It's one thing to have an open marriage. That's fine. It's one thing to fuck somebody I know.

That's fine. It's one thing to fuck someone that I've signed his friends with. Yeah. But then you tell everybody about it, like it's content. On the fucking red table, on a Facebook show? Yeah. Bitch, not even like the view. You know what I'm saying?

Like the internet you're telling people. Yeah. Yeah. And then, cause she want, she want to force all of them to be honest except her. Crazy town. Somebody asked me if I regretted calling her a bitch, cause I said a bald headed bitch. And I said I do because she's a hoe. She's a bald headed hoe.

This is true. She's been hoeing for years. Well, she likes the bad boy. She liked Tupac. That's her type, right? Not Will Smith. Will Smith's kind of corny. No, no, no.

I think it's, I think it's all of it. I think she's one of those, she's got like a goddess complex. Oh. She likes, she likes having the bad boy over here and she likes having the fucking pussy dude over here that's worshiping her. You know what I'm saying? She likes having it all. Right.

Which is a megalomania basically, you know? The fucking, the word, that clip you sent me, where they're also on that show and they're talking about her 40th, that is heartbreaking. You know what clip I'm talking about? That's heartbreaking. Whereas like, he goes, I tried to like, from when she, when your mom turned 37, I started planning her 40th birthday and it was like this bash and like Mary J. Blige perform and it was just this, and he goes at the end, I just went up to her and I was like, what

you think? And she was like, this was the most grotesque display of your ego. Yeah. I wish Tom remembered my 40th birthday. I swear, I would, I swear, I would have drove her off a cliff. I would have taken it. I mean, that's a shitty thing for someone to say. Yeah.

You know, like Danny, but like, you're like, even if my ego is involved in, in planning your birthday party, the fact that like, I did it to show you, but how is it your ego? How is it? I don't, I think she goes like, all this, you know, the fact that these things are pulled off, maybe is a, is a, because he thinks that he's not doing it for her. Yeah. Rather, it's for him to show. Look what I did.

Something else. Look what I put on. But I don't know. I would have loved any sort of gesture, you know, just having on your 40th birthday. Did you get something? Yeah. Did you get anything? No.

No, I didn't really do anything. I had a baby at the time. Wait. Well, that was your gift. Yeah. Jesus. Right. More fucking healthy.

I mean, come on. Jesus. Bitches are wild. I'm grateful. You're right. So stupid. It's a dumb bitch. She got that Jada spirit, right?

Yeah, you do. I mean, maybe that's. I hope your hair fucking falls out. This is bullshit. Because I'm nice to you. It shouldn't be this nice. Oh, get the fuck out of here. Jada's mean to him.

No, wait a minute. When was your when did you turn 40? What year was it? Ellis when Ellis was born. So literally we had like a six month old because Ellis was born in December. Oh, yeah. You know, throw up or bucket or something. Oh, so wait a minute.

He was six months old when you turned 40. Oh, so we had just moved. We had just moved. We had just moved. We were six months old. I was exhausted. I think I just went to like Burke Williams for the day. Well, there you go.

There was your birthday. Happy birthday. Was Tom on the road? Yes. Probably. Yes. Here's a deal. That's how my husband shows love is he works really hard.

Oh, yeah. And he forgets. But he works hard. And then I buy stuff. I mean, happy birthday to me. I've gotten you cool gifts. I know. Yeah.

But did you spend three years? No. Oh, yeah. You didn't spend three years. Three years. Because my ego's not too big. In fact, I'd say you probably put more planning into surprises for Burke. Yeah.

I think you're right. Because that dance video, that dance video took a lot of planning. Yeah. Brian, you're fucking right. Yeah. Where's my dance video? I would like a dance break. I'm going to break you niggas up before this.

Yeah. That's my goal. Yeah. Where's my video? You too. You think about Burke's gifts more than mine. That's, that's for sure. Well, we have a competition going.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Look, I had to teach you how to give gifts. Oh, I'm still the worst gift giver in the world. Really? Oh my gosh.

She would give me like a sweatshirt. What the fuck is this? She was like, I don't know. Here's a deal, man. We're adults. So if I want something, if you want something, we go to the store, we buy it. I don't have to wait for Christmas or my birthday because I'm not fucking five years old anymore. But you know.

So what's the point? But you did bring up the lack of 40th birthday shit like six years ago. That's a party. A birthday party would be nice. Oh, okay. All right. Oh, okay. Celebrate.

Yeah, we're alive. I don't have breast cancer. I just had my mammogram and they said my tits weren't the biggest that they've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. This is all true. What about a Zoom call? Zoom call.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Look. Maybe a party. Maybe we should do a party. Can we talk about the elephant in the room?

Yeah. What's this woman? Oh, that's a really good question. Here, let me play it from the beginning. It's just been sitting there. I know. It's because it was played before you came there. We'll get to see the whole thing.

Yeah. My name is Finestar. And I am Lady Mercury. The key to girls, my darling queens. Princess girl. So there. This is, are they making fun? No, this is drag syndrome.

So this is, these are. Drag syndrome is the name of the show. Well, it's what they're calling kind of this group. So it's four or five individuals with Down syndrome who dress and drag. And we're pointing out that at the end of this video, like in this particular video, most of them were very enthusiastic, but Francesco didn't really seem like she was over it. She brought a different energy. Yeah.

To the whole thing, you know? Yeah. Do you even want to be there Francesco? I don't know. You know, it was probably her idea. And they just took it over like. Oh, that's the backstory. And like, they're upset.

Like she's upset. She's like, everybody else is like, this was my, this was my. She also like is really dressed down here. Like maybe she, she forgot. She forgot today was filming day. I was like, talk some toilet paper on me and give my way. Wow. And they call themselves drag syndrome.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. They call themselves. I don't know. Do they? Yeah. They name themselves.

That's the real question. It probably was somebody else's idea. Yeah. There's a mastermind. I don't think somebody was like, you know what? Yeah. We have Downs and we like drag. Drag syndrome.

I forget. Yeah. It's down. Is that an extra chromosome or missing one? Yeah. That's a good question. Let's look that up. Extra.

Oh yeah. I believe it's 21st. They're like, we drag. Drag syndrome. Drag syndrome. We have an extra chromosome and then a little sun. Extra. Yeah.

Extra 21st. Extra 21st chromosome. That is the right one. Right. I believe. Yeah. Well, you should know this boy. Yeah, it is.

Trisomy 21. Yeah. Yeah. Extra chromosome. Wow. Yeah. I definitely do remember that. From.

From what, Tom? From before. Yeah. When Tom, when they first canceled Tom room. Yeah. That was the first time. That was the first time. That was the first time?

Yeah. That was. No, it wasn't the very. Actually, you know what the first time were actually. So I did a Comedy Central Presents and it wasn't the same level of except. But I did a Comedy Central Presents where I was on the first episode of the season. The season premiered in January. Right.

We shot them in October and there was once there was a special on before mine. And then I was the next. So the same night were two back to back new Comedy Central Presents and to promote the season to like to be like we have new half hour specials coming out. They used a bit that they didn't put in the actual half hour special, but that I recorded that night, which was about cyclists. And it was about how like how arrogant they can be. And the, and the bit was something about like, you know, hitting, hitting cyclists.

Okay. But you know, it was all in the context of the bit and it was like loaded with jokes. Right. So anyway, you know, it was one of those bits that like I had been running for a few years because I hadn't shot something and it was like, it hit hard. They put it on. They're like, we got a new presents and it's on all these websites, like promoting the new season.

And dude, it was the for a Huffington Post. It was on their homepage and the comments were like, all like this guy's, this is violence. And I mean, it was like hundreds. And I remember seeing it and never having experienced blowback of a, of a bit yet, you know, not like at that level. And that was like, that was the first taste of it. I remember it was the bicyclist enthusiasm. The bicycle enthusiast community was living.

Yeah. It was like, we were getting emails. Twitter. I'm a bicycle rider. How dare you? I remember a guy that there was a shop because we were living in Silver Lake and this guy was like, you should come over to whatever, whatever on Hyperion. And I wrote back to him.

I go, I live on Hyperion. Oh no. I might see you around the, you know, and I was like, I'm not scared of anybody who rides a bike. Fuck you. For real. You got more cardio than me probably. Yeah.

I remember the bit was great because I think about it even today, Tommy. Yeah. You know, what if I just did a. Yeah. Because I make a noise with that. I go. This goes to show my theory that it isn't really our problem. It isn't canceled culture.

I think because these people have always been around. We just used to ignore them. Yeah. It's true. It's a culture of us listening to. Yeah. And also where would they get together for you to like, you would, it would be one person like this, the social media allows it to all seem like it's together.

I got a couple of letters. You did. I got a couple, a couple of long DMs from, I got something from like the Down syndrome association of America or something like that. And they were just like, you know, we've represented all of these kids and I was like, well, don't show it to them. It's out there. What do you, what do you want me to do about it?

Take it down. Dude, that is, this is a conversation we had so much during my like controversy or whatever it was in 2018, which was that, you know, they actually, they recorded a person with Downs putting a message out to me, right? And I was like, did this person, were they scrolling Netflix? I'm going to watch it or did you show it? Not only that. And then go like here, stand here and say this, because I don't think the person with Downs

was like, I watched this, felt this way and then put this together. You're making somebody feel worse by showing them the video and then being like, now record this video and tell them, tell them how hurtful he is. Like that shit is not happening the way they're letting you think it happened. That's what they're doing in Francesca here. Francesca. I think they scoured for a black woman with Down syndrome so their group could be diverse and then they're making her do this by holding something back from her.

What do you think they're holding back? A group excuse or something? Like her whatever her favorite toy is or whatever. They're like, you need to make our group diverse. Tokenism, yeah. Francesca gave no energy to that read. She's over it. Everybody performs so well.

So you did get some blowback though. For people who haven't seen Brian's special on Netflix right now, so fucking funny. I mean. Season three, episode one. Check me out. Season one, you can't miss it. Put on season three of the, what are they calling it? The stand-ups.

The stand-ups. Nice. You got to watch it. And you know what it is, man? There is a piece of me that was, because when I first wrote that joke, I was working at the Madhouse in San Diego and the club was about to rent out the club to the San Diego Down syndrome for children thing. They do a fundraiser there.

They did it every year. But this was the first year. And it was coming that weekend. This was a Wednesday. And the people that ran it showed up on Wednesday to check it out. And I happened to do that joke. Oh. And the lady walked up to me and she was like, I've seen you a bunch of times.

You're very funny, but you're better than that. Oh yeah. I hate when they tell you that. You're better than that. You can say any other word. And I was like, you know what, I'm going to try. I'm going to try. I promise.

I'm going to try. I'm going to use other words. I would say special. I would say blessed. Touched. Yeah. All these other things. But when, but then when I wrote the joke that calls back to that joke, I was like,

there's nothing better. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, I had to do it for, because you know, every, what the regular person doesn't understand is that every comic has, was that kid in class that, you know, you have these moments where something funny can be said, but only if you say it right. Right. If you let it pass and sometimes it's the most inappropriate moment.

It is the most inappropriate thing. But if you don't say it, no one in the history of humanity will ever have that chance again. It's all about time. And you have to. Yeah. And that's what it's like. I said it because I had, because it was the funniest thing to say. It's the funniest thing to say.

And also people, some people won't admit that one of the best words in the whole English language is retarded. Yeah. It is. It is like a really, it's a fantastic word. And not everybody uses it. I would say a lot of people don't use it in a malicious way. It's the marrying of the two that makes, that makes it like.

I've never seen someone say it to a special needs kid. No. Neither have I. No. Well, also. Now you say it about your friends who are not special needs friends, you know. But also too. Where's Brian?

He's fucking retarded. He never shows up on time. You know, like that. He's got a misdiagnosis. Yeah. But I think too, this incessant need to rename and rename and that somehow makes somebody more dignified or takes away the blow of this thing. It never really works because we can keep renaming somebody.

Right. They're not retarded. They're special needs. Oh, they're not special needs. They're special able. Oh, no, they're not special able there. Do you know that you don't call it lip reading anymore? No.

It's called something else late speech reading. Why? Speech reading. Because everybody don't have lips. I don't fucking know. But. Right. Because that sounds like a dumb reason.

It does sound like a dumb reason. Not everybody has lips. Right. But but does renaming it take away the fact that that person is deaf and is reading what you're saying? No. It doesn't change the essence. It's called speech reading.

It's not called lip reading. How? How? And then. How does this change the person's circumstances though? Ever. Never. I know.

Never. It doesn't change the reality. It doesn't stop in the blow. It doesn't change lip reading. Look at that. Why was lip reading offensive? Is there any difference? Yes and no.

Of course. Yeah. Technically, lip reading is watching the lips to extract whatever speech information you can. While speech reading is watching the lips, tongue, teeth, cheeks, eyes, facial expression, gestures, body language, anything else that can give clues as to what the person is saying. What the fuck is happening? So speech reading is just lip reading on drugs.

And this is. Okay. So looking at historical perspective, speech reading is the newer term now in the USA and Canada for what we formerly called lip reading. Okay. Congratulations. We've renamed something that means exactly the same fuck. But is anyone going to stop you and go, actually, it's speech reading?

I did. I heard it. That's how I heard it. I was listening to like Dr. Laura or something. I'll tell you exactly. And somebody called in and said it. Who would do that? Many people put their pronouns in order of priority.

For me, they, she reflects that I prefer folks to default today and use she depending on context. They are helping me with this video and doesn't she look amazing? If you know someone who uses multiple pronouns, see how they refer to themselves. And if possible, respectfully ask them what they prefer. It may take some practice, but it's worth it. And it's necessary to honor and respect people. Actually it's speech reading.

That's who we tell you. I just don't like the commercial happiness. I know. Yeah. My last yeast infection was all cleared up. Yeah. Yeah. That is, um, the forced like, yeah, that's also, that reminds me of like forced weirdness

is like Garth. Right. Hey, everybody. Garth Brooks and Tusha Irwin and we're proud to say we stand with Ukraine, especially the refugees. There's a global initiative and of course supplies and aid is already spread then. And this is where you come in. We need your help.

We need you to donate. Yeah. I mean, we always ask for love and prayers. Why does he keep looking at it and doing that? We're also going to ask you, dig in your pockets, be part of the greatest. There's a weird. So first, you know, he's like, especially the refugees, which is a fucking weird thing to point out.

And then it's almost like he doesn't know how to read the next queue. So he laughs in the weirdest way. Like she's like, be a part of this. He's like, and then he turns it again. Right. It makes no sense. Global relief plan mankind has ever seen. Everybody deserves dignity.

Everybody deserves a roof over their head to feel safe. You can be a part of that. Yeah. Amen. So join us. Don't stand up. He keeps looking at her the way that like, um, like a news anchor, you know, like a wrestler in an interview.

Oh, right. Would look at their manager. Yeah. Yeah. But you hear Rick Flair's speech. Like he keeps looking at her like, yeah, I'm telling you, brother, we're going to save these refugees. It's like, it's a weird, it's a weird look.

Is he aware of how much you don't like him? He's got it now. Yeah. Yeah, he's got it. He's never contacted you. It might be slowly sabotaging shit around you. He might. Yeah.

He just restricted me again on Instagram. Wow. He's so earnest. Stand up for mankind. Stand up for Ukraine. What was that? Yeah. Yeah.

Why that reaction? Stand up for mankind. Stand up for Ukraine. That makes it sound like a comedy show. It's so weird. Yeah. Why did he, why did he go there? I don't know.

Who is this woman to? That's Trisha. Your wife. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, it's strange. So her name's not Brooks. No.

No. Hmm. Maybe legally. Yeah. But she's a performer too, you know. Oh, she is. She's a country singer. Yeah.

Yeah, but she is. Okay. You know what? I don't know shit about country music. Yeah. No, no. I didn't even know he was still alive or this famous. Oh, yeah.

He does big ass stadium tours. I know. He not on Spotify? No. I don't know. He has an exclusive with Amazon music. Tom, we should recreate this. You want to?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But get me ahead. This is eight because I'm one better than Garth. Okay. Oh, yeah. That's funny.

Yeah. And we have to say it together. We stand for Ukraine. And I'll do all his weird tricks. Yeah. Like, yeah. Stand up for me. Hi.

Stand up for Ukraine. Yeah. So strange. So strange. Yeah. That's incredible. It is. I think he's on the spectrum.

I think he might be aspergery. Like, I think he's mimicking human stuff. Like, I generally think he might just be on the spectrum. Yeah, he could be. Who are these people on the wall? Oh. These are... I'm so glad you asked.

Nobody's asked that. These are... No one asked that? No. No, you're the first. These are all, like, people we've highlighted over the years, like, cool guys. Oh, that's a sweaty old man. Yeah.

That's the dude that was beating off on, like, Chatterbait? Yeah. I'll never forget this face. Yeah. Okay. That's the dude that got ran over with his... Yeah. There you go.

Oh, my God. Show me that you like me. Yeah. I don't know who that is. Yeah. That's Fett Smoker. And this guy masturbated with his brother when the athlete did crystal math and he came in four strokes.

That's right. He came in four strokes with his brother? Yeah. Oh, he'd been had a thing with his brother. Yeah. And there's Fett Smoker over there. Oh, that's the dude that was like, ladies' man, like, I'll treat you good, girl. Yeah.

Good morning, Julia. Yeah. Okay. I don't remember this. I don't remember his face, but I remember why. Oh, that's Tony John. Tony John. Yeah.

Actually, we got a new Tony John today. What? Yeah. We got a new one today. Shut the front door. You know what, Katie? I'm flaming gay. You were a cover-up this whole time.

We are out of here. I'm actually gay, baby. So, you know what? On to the next. I'm going to go on a date with a hot-ass guy tonight, because you know what? You were a cover-up, baby. We are out of here. Cover-up, Katie.

I'm gay. He's drinking Mike's heart lemonade. Wow. I mean, way to just run diving out of the closet, right? Yeah. That's the way to do it. Yeah. Whatever you call that sweater, plus the Mike's heart lemonade.

Yeah. And he doesn't look well. No. No, he's not okay, man. Yeah. He's been hiding it this whole time. Yeah. Gaunt.

Some weird shit on his skin. Yeah. Some would say meth-related is a guess. Remember, what was his watch last time we were saying about his watch? Like, it's too big for his wrist or something? Oh, yeah. He had, like, a 50-millimeter watch on his wrist. I think he still does.

He looks really large for his fey little wrist. I know. Tony gets upset. Yeah, Tony does. He gets really upset about things. But why is he mad with Katie? Like, is he trying to upset Katie by telling her that he's been gay this whole time? I think so.

I think so. You turn me gay? Like, your pussy stinks so bad. I'm gay. No, I think he was saying, no, I was just using you as a cover. Right. But she, there must have been a big fight for that to be the next thing you say, you know? I mean, for a man to say gay is pretty, that ruins your chances of getting laid in the

future now. You just got out, baby. Salt Lake County. Let's go. Woo! We all party here. Hey! Man, we know why he was so happy to be leaving jail.

This is the weekend. Baby, let's get it. Salt Lake County, baby. Best time of my life. What do you want to say, dead ass? The reason why I'm wearing this fucking yellow fucking weird thing is my ass is going to be doing community service for the state of Utah. Woo!

I got a DUI, baby. What's up, ass? Pretty cool. Wow. Yeah. I wonder if he knows how famous he is. Oh, he's contacted me. Oh, really?

Yeah. He asked me for money. Oh, wow. Yeah. He did? Yeah, he did. Then he said he was going to fuck you. Oh, wow.

But I was like, why would you do that? You're gay. I think he's just throwing threats out there at this point. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. That's so wild and it never occurred to me. Like, you know, you know the guy wearing the yellow jumpsuit is collecting trash as

a prisoner. But it didn't occur to me until the other day. I was like, well, that guy's a criminal. Yeah. They're just out there collecting trash by the side of the road. What'd you think? They could stab me or run up to me and slip my throat with my kids. Yeah.

Well, these are dudes who's on good behavior. Yeah. They're like cleaning it up. Yeah. They're not letting, like, death rowing bait clean the highway. They're not, like, violent offenders. Yeah. Or they were, but, like, it hasn't been for a long, you know.

It's been a while since they've stabbed somebody. Yeah. But I think they should let it go further. Like, stop paying the teachers. They're fucking people from prison like, read to the kids. You think that's a good idea? That'd be awesome. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like a little bit of scared straight. Yeah. A little bit of, like, mentorship. Yeah, sure. Yeah. And some of them, like, the kids can teach them how to read and stuff. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Like, teach them how to love. Yeah. Because they give them kittens. Yeah. Aw. They give them pit bulls. Yeah.

Yeah. So I was like, why not? That's a whole program now, taking animals to prisons. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like a foster child. I love this idea, though, of having them teach school children. Like, imagine if you really got to know somebody that's, like, a reformed criminal

and they could tell you all these great stories and scare the shit out of you. It'd be kind of great. But you ever get, like, throw a bag of shit and piss on a teacher? Yeah. I'm gonna show you how to teach these guards a lesson. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That would be the best. Oh, my God. Like, a kid throwing a bag of piss and shit. No, I'm just saying it's having, like, an ex-con as a school teacher. Yeah. That would be the most popular teacher in school. Just have a couple cons per school to, like, follow around the troubled children. Yeah.

This is a great idea, Brian. Yeah. Let's use them. Just like, I mean, who was I watching? Was it VladTV? And he was talking about, he was interviewing somebody, these two guys that were in Cook County. I think they're rappers.

And they were like, when you get in Cook County, someone would just, you know, someone would just knock you out. And once you're knocked out, they do this holler. And then people just start coming and putting shit in your ass and fucking you. And he's like, and then everybody knows that you got fucked by, like, 10 people. It's a wild story. Imagine, like, a guy telling, like, a fourth grader that, you know? Like, they're like, what?

They're like, so that's why you got to stay out of jail. Like, I'm never going to jail. This ain't so bad. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. This was it right here.

Nice. Knocked out and then fucking raped. Wild man. I can't stand with some of that TV. Rico and reckless and Iwo Samo. Yeah. Are they, are they, are they. Are they successful rappers?

I have no idea. I've never heard of these guys. I just literally saw the clip on Twitter. It was making the rounds. You don't watch. You don't like that. I mean, I still, because sometimes he has interesting interviews, but he's just one of those people that like he's, he's the dude in the cafeteria that would be like,

Oh, let him get away. You know, he would be the instigator. Right. Right. But it is entertaining. Yeah. It's entertaining. Yeah.

It's very entertaining. Um, what was your, uh, oh, this was the thing we wanted to ask you. So you always give great advice. So we, uh, last time we had to, we asked people advice and we figured we could ask you a couple more. Yes. This would be great. Um, okay.

This one says my parents got divorced back in 2015 because I guess my dad was being an unfaithful butthole. Now my dad lives in Florida with his new hoe. Anyway, we have two young kids and he has yet to see my youngest who will turn two in July. He blames it on not being able to travel during the pandemic and money issues. I'm not sure what to do from here. Obviously he doesn't care enough to come see his new grandkids.

Should that piss me off to where I don't want to travel to see him or am I overreacting? Great. You're being a spoiled brat. First of all, stop taking sides. You don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with your mom. She might be a cunt. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Like, you know, it's just like, like, oh, you ever have a friend and then all of a sudden they're your boss or something. And it's a whole different thing. Yes. It's like, you don't know what it's like to date your mom. He just left to make him happy and not traveling during the pandemic was something everybody was doing. Yeah.

Not having money was something everybody was doing. So it's like, if you want you, you want your kids to have a relationship with your father or not, you know, because it sounds like your anger is really about some other shit. Oh, your mom has poisoned your mind against your dad. But go see your fucking father. Stop being a little bitch. Yeah.

It's really good advice. Yeah. I spent way too much of my life angry at my father and it ain't worth it. You know? Right. Yeah. You know, unless he touched your butthole, you can forgive. Hey, man.

That's true. Butthole touches. That's like permanent. That's a line. That's a line. People, right? I think all of us doesn't even have to be with like you spend so much energy being angry at someone.

It could be a friend. It could be a parent. It could be a sibling. It could be. Right. And you just kind of, you can go through years of being like, you know, I'm just, I'm pissed at that person. It doesn't really get you anywhere.

Yeah. And forgive, forgiveness is for you. It's not for them. Yeah. That's like some people feel like, oh, I'm not, they don't deserve it. It's like, but it's, it's for you to let it, let the, that energy go to something else. Right. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying, dad, you're really punishing your kids by not letting them know they're granddad. Yeah. And the wife could be a cunt. Yeah. Your mom could be a cunt. I want to hear you on this one. This one says, that's right.

Maybe your mom's a cunt. Yeah. It says, I need a real answer. I know you guys won't bullshit me. I'm a 39 year old woman in the Midwest. The last time I was in a relationship was over 10 years ago. After the last X and I split, I focused on my career, moved around a lot of it, never made dating a priority.

That break from dating inadvertently turned into a decent career, but years of overworking, depression and 90 pounds of weight gain. And I'm realizing I fucked up and missed a huge window of opportunity. My married bombshell blonde friends tell me to just get on the apps and meet someone, but my fat face gets zero hits or replies. I've tried joining clubs, doing activities where I could meet someone with the same interests, but the guys are either married or just not interested. Am I doomed to be single until I lose the weight?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Don't call them in that bitch. Yeah. Well, to me, it's just like, it's like, look, it's not that, it's not that being big, because I'm somebody that struggle with my, we've all struggled with our weight, right? It's one of the things where it's like, it's not about how much you weigh, but it's about

that you, you're not, your swag is not on maximum, because you hate how much you weigh, right? So until you start taking care of yourself to the point where you're confident, it's never going to happen. That's right. Because she's, the weight is symbolic of other stuff. Right. It's emotional, right?

She needs to drop that. She needs to drop that. She probably has some habits that are around that. Yeah. Right. Because the thing that happens is, I think what, what people do is, she, let's say she goes and loses 50 pounds, right? And she starts getting more dates.

You go, well, it's because you lost 50 pounds, but it's really because in the losing of the 50 pounds, your whole mental state change, your energy change, yeah, you started to, you opened up like a different emotional path to people. In the apps, the apps are bullshit. Yeah. The apps are not for people that are, the apps are not for people that are lonely. Yeah. No, the apps, the apps are for people that are, that don't need them.

You know what I'm saying? It's like, it's like 90% of the women on the apps go after the top 20% of the men. Right. 90% of the women. You know what I'm saying? Right. And vice versa. It's like the best men go after the very best.

The hottest and the hottest. If you already overweight and unconfident and 39 and two kids, the apps ain't for you. Right. Well, also one has to wonder what kept her off the dating market for a decade. Like, why are you not, what's going on that you're, are you scared? I wish we could take live phone calls. I know. It's like, I think that the, this woman, it's like, it's not just, I mean, it can be

as simple as like, look, you seem to lose weight, but it's more really about examining why, you know, it's not easy to gain 90 pounds. It really isn't. Like you really have to like, you have to have something that's, that you're trying to suppress or deal. Like it's about dealing with that. What, you know what I mean? Like you don't just gain 90 pounds.

Right. It doesn't just happen. It doesn't just happen. And it's not going to come off after a week of you, you're going to have to like change your mindset, deal with what led you to gain those and, and be disciplined about it. You're going to have to like go, all right, I'm going to start eating like this and moving like this. And in doing so, you're not just going to lose the weight.

You're probably going to have like a kind of an emotional change. Emotional. Yeah. And then also what kind of guy is she going to be able like, let's, let's talk realistic expectations too, right? Cause she's a 39 year old single woman. She doesn't say she has children. No.

She didn't say that. So like, Yeah. So who should she be looking for realistically? Well, you know, Anyone she can get. Yeah. I mean,

No, I don't know. I honestly, I don't know the world. You got to get the starter dick in there. You can't just go. The starter dick. Yeah. If you haven't had an intimate relationship in 10 years, you got to just take the first

one you can get. Yeah. Get her warmed up. Yeah. Yeah. Bust that first night. Yeah. You can just start the car and drive.

Right. Yeah. Maybe fuck the custodian at the office. Yeah. Just get it, get it loose. Yeah. Fuck someone that's going to appreciate your pussy. Yeah.

Yeah. That's true. That's what really nice thought. Yeah. Yeah. That's my favorite. It's a nice song. That's why it's going to be like, thank you.

Yeah. Thank you for just coming. Just for showing up. Yeah. Yeah. So like maybe, maybe not the hottest guy in the office. No. Who cares?

Yeah. Just like any guy. Yeah. Go to a masquerade party or something. Yeah. Maybe a drag syndrome. All right. No.

So. Whoopsie. So I'm just trying to have fun. Yeah. Just trying to have fun. Yeah. So here's another one. You want to read this one?

I think you might enjoy this one reading it to Brian. You know the drag syndrome thing? Okay, Brian. I think that's the only time I've ever seen a kid with Down syndrome that wasn't fucking happy. That wasn't happy? I wasn't happy? Yeah.

I know. Because they dressed him up like a dog. I know they put sweater on a dog. I've never seen a Down syndrome kid that wasn't having a ball. Yeah. Until this time. Until Francesco. Yeah.

See? It's not voluntary. Francesco was like Francesco. Yeah. Yeah. Because it almost seemed like Powerpuff Girls or something like that where they had to say their name to transform. Yeah.

Francesco would to transform. No. You'd have to do it again. Bad energy. Bad energy. Okay. This one's big. This one's definitely close to our YMH heart.

So my husband of 16 years just expressed his disgust with using the bathroom after me and seeing my leftover poop smears in the toilet. My immediate response was, it's a toilet. That's where shit goes. And after thinking about it for a while, I approached him with, you don't seem to mind putting your dick in my ass, but poop in a toilet is gross. WTF. Am I wrong here?

Should I be cleaning out the toilet every time I take a brown so I don't upset him? It seems silly to me. What do you guys think? Yes, bitch. What are we even talking about here? There should be no evidence that you use the bathroom when you leave the motherfucking bathroom. Yeah. I tend to agree.

Like Tom and I talk about shitting a lot with each other, but we don't actually shit in front of each other. And if I leave streaks in the bowl, I always clean them up because I don't want to have your own toilets. No. No. Well, I mean, I can leave, I can, you know, in the bathroom and the master bathroom, there's one.

There's also another one just outside of it. I can walk over to that one, but I prefer the one because we have the nice, the nice bidet. Do you know what I mean? Like the washlet is in that. Oh, yeah. It's fantastic. You gotta have a washlet. You gotta wash it out.

I don't like other people's cheek warmth when I sit on the bowl, but mine is warm. It's pre-warm. Yeah. That's mine. Right. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, I get it.

So what are you suggesting that Tom and I shouldn't even shit in the same toilet? No, I'm just talking about what I need. Oh, because, because, because I wouldn't mind sharing the toilet, but the moment I see your shrieks in the toilet, then you need your own. Yeah. Like, like, and the fact, the fact that you're like, that you even needed to write this letter, like what other shit do you be doing this selfish and inconsiderate where it's like, because, because I get it.

Sometimes you take an exhausting messy brown. Yeah. Yeah. And, and, and, you know, and it's one of those joints that just, it needed to happen. It released you. It was like more than just a shit. It was like therapy. Yeah.

And, and so you recovering. You only need to rest. Yeah. And so maybe you forgot to do all your cleaning up. Yeah. But for you to act. But day to day. Yeah.

But for, for, for, for your spouse to walk in and go, Hey, babe, you need to, and for you to do anything, but go, Oh, I'm so sorry and do it. You're a piece of shit. You're a piece of shit. I wish I could switch your situation with the overweight lady because I wish I could give her your husband because you don't deserve him. She deserves a husband. You deserve to just be in a house full of streaks.

Yeah. You know, not just, I wish, I wish there were streaks all around your house, not just from you shitting, but anytime somebody made the sandwich, there was mayonnaise streaks. Anytime somebody got out of the shower, there were water streaks in the hallway. Streaks. I want you to just deal with everyone else's fucking juices. Yeah. How do you not, how do you not realize how fucking gross that is?

It's gross. And it's not even a gender specific thing. It's like if Tom leaves his streaks, I'm going to be grossed out if I lose streaks. It's just only streaks, bro. You're right. You're right. And it's like, here's the other thing. Everyone likes shitting in a clean toilet.

They do. That's true. So when you, when you, you asked yourself this lady, when you use the restroom and the toilet's clean, you didn't clean it the last time you used it. Who you think did that? Yeah. Your husband. Yeah.

You're ungrateful. I'm not going to call you out your name, but I don't know your name, nor do I want to. Because you're nasty. Because you're nasty as hell. Yeah. Sorry. No, that's all good. I might have just lost you a fan.

No. That's why we asked you because you're straight up and you don't have, you don't sugar coat any of it. That's, that's the, that's like what people ultimately need is they need someone to not be too nice about it and be honest about it. Like somebody, especially like, you know, one of my favorite guys to watch on the dating stuff is Kevin Samuels. Oh man.

Oh, he's the best. Because he's just so, he's just so straightforward. He's so polarizing. I mean, I get it, but like, I'm talking about two things. One wise, I'm highly entertained, highly entertained. The second part of it is that Kevin is like, someone's being like, I'm a 10. He's like, excuse me. Excuse me.

Right. Yeah. And, and here's the truth. Most of us, right? If somebody goes, I'm a 10, you know what we're programmed to do? Good for you. You are a 10. And you know what?

Yeah. You deserve it. Like that's, that's what most people have been conditioned to do. Everybody says like, I'm the best. You go, that's how you should think. And you realize that that's from hearing other people be basically polite to one another. Yeah. That your brain goes like, yeah, yeah, yeah, tell us, mislead that person into thinking

that way. And he's somebody who's just going like, no, no, you're not. Right. And, and what are you bringing to the table exactly? You're what, you're at, you have three kids and you look like this. Right. You're not Beyonce. You're not Beyonce.

And you, you want a guy, you think you deserve a guy who makes half a million? What? Like, it's funny as shit and it's also kind of, I mean, he's like, no, you're more like a four right now. Oh my God. And then he'll be like, and then he's like, you need to put down the bucket of chicken and go work out. You need to lose like 30 pounds and then you can be like a six, like a six.

Because you know what it is, man, too, is like, he is, he pisses off a lot of women. Yeah. Some of them don't understand it, like, because they think all guys are watching Kevin, Kevin Sam's like, he their daddy or something. Yeah. You know, it's like, I just watch it for entertainment. It's entertaining as shit. Because most guys never get to see women get knocked down a pig.

Right. Right. That's why I watch it. Yeah. Because it's funny. It's funny as shit. But also, but also a lot of those women, when they listen to him, it changes their lives. I bet some people, look, it's not just women who are calling him in life.

Sometimes we don't get somebody to be really real with us. Well, the thing is, you know, he started out, it was mostly men calling. I did not know that. Yeah. He would do the same thing to men. He started out as like an image consultant for men, but nobody was watching, you know. Please watch some videos of his. Yes.

Still every now and then, men would call him. He's great. Yeah. But it's a bunch of, there's a whole, now they call it the manosphere. There's a whole branch of the internet that branched off. But even Patty Stanger, the millionaire matchmaker. Wincher is coming. No more hot girl summer.

No more twerking. Once you're over 35 or 40 years old, what do you have? You got bad knees, bunions, and type one diabetes. That was the wrong diabetes. I think you born with type one diabetes. I got three. How much do you weigh? That's none of your business.

I told you I was fat. Oh, okay. We don't play that shit on my channel. You get your big fat ass on somewhere. I don't deal with you big sassy ass brawls. Come on. That is funnier than anyone's five minutes. It's dangerous.

But hello, I'm trying to make a point that Patty Stanger, this 50 year old Jewish lady, would see these young, cutie, patootie girls in LA and go, you're too frumpy, you're too fat, if you want a millionaire, you need to be under the age of whatever, 35, and you need to weigh 120, and you need to be hot. You're not those things. And she would flat out, remember? Yeah, she was cold. And she was cold as ice, but she was fucking right.

Yeah, she was right a lot. She was right a lot. And then she would tell, but the other side of it that we're leaving out is that she would also tell dudes, like she would be like, she would be like, you're fucking clothes as whack as fuck, your hair sucks, like you're trying to get with hot girls, like you're weird. Yeah, you got weird shit in your house. Yeah, I don't remember this lady.

It was great. It's called Millionaire Matchmaker. Was it on MTV or something? No, it was on Bravo. The early seasons were the best. It was like more like, you know, she didn't have the fame yet, but she had like this kind of, you know, following this lady, this lady, she would be cold, man. But it was it was fantastic.

And she would tell people, she would tell these women, she's like, man, you're and gosh, like you're pickers off. Like you don't have to pick whatever is going on inside of you is all fucked up. You keep picking. You know, what's so funny is there's not a single pretty picture of her. Well, there's she. Oh, yeah, that was. Well, what happened is Patty, see, that's her original of the bangs.

And she was actually kind of an attractive woman. And then the girl left as she was in the beginning. Yeah. And then she kind of let the Hollywood machine get to her. And then she dropped a bunch of weight, did a plastic surgery, changed her teeth, changed her hair at like. She started following her own advice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

But she's still single and right. The irony, right? Yeah, of course. Of course. Is he married? We don't know anything. Is Kevin Samuels? No, he's not married.

No, no, no. But maybe, you know, people that teach it can't do it themselves. I don't know. The cobbler. What is that? The cobbler whose children don't have shoes or fucking stupid saying? I have no idea. Is that the thing?

Yeah, the elf. He does long ass uploads. I know that he'll post something and be like, oh, because he does lives. He does a lot of the live streams. Oh, I want to see that. That's the thing is like, I don't I just watch. I see the clips that come across the clip. Yeah, yeah, the clips are great.

That right there is. I don't deal with you sassy ass, bro. Take your big ass on. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. That is. Oh, here we go. Let's go from zero on one to 10.

Can't you seven? What are your regular looks? First face out of the shower. You're natural. A 10. Your face. Yes. Look at his face right there.

I'm always going to give myself a 10. I'm not going to ever give myself. All right. So there we go. Right there, people. That's all you can make. You see all the hard people losing. See, you can you can cap all you want to.

But you're not an international super mom. You're not an international. And I'm just trying to ask you. See, up until this point, I feel like you've been pretty reasonable. But now if you want to do that, I think we should probably end it because I don't I don't play those games. I mean, wow, dude. I mean, that's that's that's kind of that's hard to hear.

It is hard to hear, right? It is hard to hear. But Brian, if somebody was like first thing in the morning out of the shower, scale of one to 10, go ahead. See, but what you know what the problem is is they're doing this on live. You can so because this is free, but you can pay him for a private concentration.

I would not I would not do it live because that's what's going on. These women, they think about all their friends and family and girlfriends that are watching. So they feel like they got a they're flexing. Yeah, I'm a 10. Yeah. So come on, you know, you know, you know, you know that nobody's a 10 out of bed unless you're a 20 year old supermodel.

I'm doing something for a good reason. And I'm trying to be helpful. But man, you and Rihanna walking to the room, don't nobody confuse you. You're not a 10. No, you're not a 10. You're not a 10. You're not a 10.

But that's the point. But that's a 10. You're not a 10. OK. Yeah, you ain't fucking over. You're not a pregnant man. Ma'am, we're talking about you. OK, you've been you your entire life.

Yeah, you call yourself an eight. Yes. No. If sweetie is a man, you're not. I think. Yeah, ma'am, ma'am, you're beneath that number. You're not above that number. It's fucking cold, man. It's cold as ice.

I don't do this, man. I I would. I think what it is, is I would not have the balls to say this to a woman that was standing there. Oh, exactly. I think that's what a lot of dudes get out of watching this, is that we've all been with women that we wish we could be this honest with.

Right, right, right. And we can't. So we like we like to watch him be honest with women. Yeah, yeah. I think that's where I think you nailed it. I think it your your whole life, especially, especially as men, you have to be more polite when and, you know, you always you're kind of conditioned.

You could only you could only be this honest with. Oh, yeah, right. You can't like be like that. That is the thing in that. That is the fascination with this. Yeah, is that there's a guy being like, you ain't shit. It's like insult porn. Yeah, kind of.

You're not happy, Christina. No, I'm just thinking about this dynamic because. I mean, listen, I. Especially now is like a mature person. I think there's a hang around dudes my whole life, right? I'm in a male dominant field. And I've noticed there's an animosity towards women, right? You guys are annoyed with us because you're

somewhat beholden to us because you're trying to get laid by us so we can say no to you and reject you. So there's a little bit of animosity, right? But on the other hand, like we're talking about this earlier, like who's validating these hot chicks? It's other guys. So you guys are mad at the girls, but it's the other guys that are creating the problem.

Like if you all didn't tip toe around women to begin with. But you're also seen as super disrespectful and you are shunned if you're a man and you're seen as being anything but kind of. Like if you're straightforward with a woman, like not this poor girl who seems like a lovely girl. She seems nice. What I'm just saying, let's say the imaginary woman

who walks up and you're basically taught to go like, you're gorgeous, you're beautiful. And if somebody's like, you're not taught to be like, like you are with your friends. Like, bro, you can't wear that shit. By the way, you've been eating too much, man. You need to start hitting like, that's how guys talk to each other.

You say that to a woman and you're called a fucking pig. And I know what you're saying. You're like, well. She's still my fuck you though. Maybe she would, but I do think that you don't hear that type of thing. Just because it's basically considered super rude. It's true.

And there is a standard where a woman can be meaner to a guy, but a guy can't be mean to a woman. Yeah, man, we gotta start slapping these hoes. Yeah, we do. We should start in the brain slapping back. But then there's the culture of, right? Like remember rap, you know, call women bitches and this and that.

I think this is one of the reasons that I don't think I thrived in dating. I remember a couple like saucy, you know, like sassy broads with that net and said some rude shit. And I was like, I'll knock your fucking teeth out. You know? Holy shit. But as you should, like why should you tolerate

a woman being shitty to you? You shouldn't tolerate it. It's not. Did I give your mom that money? How much money this time? What do you mean? The bet you lost. Oh, I bought her a car.

Oh, okay. Yeah. She's fine. Don't worry about it. You know what she told me? She's doing great. Did I even tell you this? What?

I got my mom on Mercedes. GL 350. All right, I'm just telling everybody. Okay. Mercedes GL 350. It's an SUV. And then like a week or two, I don't know, like last week, she goes,

tell me, well, first she called me and she goes, you didn't ask me how I like my car, right? You didn't ask me how I like the gift that you gave. Usually what that is code for in my mother's world is let me be effusive with my thankfulness to you. So then you go, how do you like the thing I got you? And she goes, it's amazing and I love it and you're the best. So it's like setting you up to hear compliments.

So you have to ask for the thank you. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, it's a... That is... It's Latin shit. Psychologic, okay. Yeah, it's super fucking... And you wonder why he doesn't put up with women in the sas.

Yeah, your mom's like the Hannibal Lecter of kindness. Yeah, yeah, it's super fucked up. She sucks. So she asks me that and she goes, you didn't tell me how I like my car. So I'm in New York and I go, how do you like your car? I like it, but there's no power. And I'm like, excuse me?

I'm like, excuse me? What? I'm like, first of all, I've been in the car with you. You're fucking, you make the mailman look like F1. Like, what are you talking about? You drive so goddamn slow. There's no power. She goes, yeah, I go, well, why don't you just change the mode?

Just put, change it to power mode. She goes, there is no... I go, yes, there is. I've never even been in that car and I know there is. So I FaceTimer and like, just show me the fucking ceiling and I'm like, put it down there. And I finally show her and she goes, it says a sport. And I go, yeah, that's the fucking power mode.

And then she's like, oh, it goes faster. I fucking know. Like read the fucking manual, mom. I know. Damn, I'm now all the way on your side. At first I was on her side. So then I'm like, all right. So now she's like, it's got power.

The next day she goes, I'm going to have to change my SUV for the small one. It's too high to get in and out of. Very hard for me. First I'm going to check if they can add, and I quote, a climbing device. Like a ladder to the SUV. But if not, I will pay for whatever they charge

for the change. Oh yeah, to swap out SUVs, you'll pay for the change. You're not gonna pay for it. And then she writes, I hope is okay with you. I didn't even know they have a smaller one, which is not true. Do you realize that I want to start drinking just hearing even with these texts?

And then I don't respond. I'm like, I'm not responding to this. So wait a second, is your mom, is she independent? Is she independent? What? She's in drag syndrome. Is she independently wealthy? No, she's, but she's...

So I'll pay for it also means I'm hoping you'll offer to pay for it. Oh, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. So I don't respond because I'm not going to engage this behavior. And then she writes, at least please make a comment.

Oh my God. Sure, okay. Meaning like, I'm not gonna fucking get involved in this at all. But then we've also learned that to her, sure means yes, definitely. Yeah. Okay, right.

You're totally right. So anyway, that's the late. I haven't even talked about it because it just makes me crazy. No good deed goes unpunished. Isn't that what they say? I mean, it's just the fucking craziest shit, man. Like it is...

Real, my mom will take that Mercedes back and give you a ass of Civic. Yeah. Right. I'll give you a fully loaded Civic. I'm just like, first of all, I made her because at first she was like, just send me a car. I go, no.

I go, go to dealerships, you must test drive. I made her test, because I've seen it before. Right. I know how it goes. I'm like, you got to sit in these, you got to drive them. And she switched her mind fucking six times. Like I knew she would. And then till she was like, this is the one, this is the one.

I don't want the smaller one. I want this one. Now it's, I didn't know there was a smaller one, which is just fucking complete bullshit. I don't know. To me, the nature of a gift is just, you just take it and you say thank you. Yeah, mom.

This is the best thing. Yes, I'm piece of shit. I know. I know. Right? Do I ever complain, you get me a car and I'm like, thank you, this is great. Thank you.

Yeah. I've never... It's fucking red. Who does that? You get hooked up. Yeah. The fact that I don't have to deal with buying the cars is like the best thing ever.

I give good car gifts. I know. The fact that you even in the situation, because I remember growing up and seeing those commercials for Christmas and like someone would have a car wrapped in a boat and I'd be like, who the fuck are these for? And the fact that you're even in the situation

where those commercials make sense to you, you should just be grateful for that. Of course. I'm getting cars as gifts. It's insane. And they're not used. It's insane. Yeah.

It's crazy. I know. That's mad. The shit that you regularly ask for. And I hooked her up this past weekend. You'd be like, mom, I love you so much. I'm gonna trade that as you were v-in for a motorcycle. I'm gonna give you a motorcycle.

My favorite thing is when she sees a more economical car. Especially if like, like if you pulled up and you had like a Corolla, it doesn't matter the year or anything. My mom would be like, I like this car. I like, it's nice. I'm like, yeah. And you'd be like, oh, thanks.

What is this? And you go, this is a Corolla. I, this is very cool. I go, do you want me to get you one? And she would be like, no, I'd like, may I just say this? I'm like, oh, cause you were really talking about that Corolla.

I can hook you up if you want it. And she's like, no, no, I like Lexus. So I like luxury. Oh yeah. But she'll pretend that the more modest car is exciting to her. Like it's a whole, it's a whole theatrical thing. Wow, dude.

Yeah. Now listen. Your mom is from where? Peru. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it's a whole thing. I wanna laugh.

Let's watch some fucking funny videos, ready? One more. Oh, I mean, what, I missed that. Oh yeah. So it looks like that. Is that an accident? He has an accident. You went from like your mom to horrible hilarious.

Oh, I wanna see something funny. My eyes twitching. Yeah. Yeah. So it looks like that thing is swinging dirt around and then the dirt hit him. It was so much of it and it's such a rate of speed that it actually threw him, right?

Like that's going fast. Oh my God. Damn. Are you laughing or LOLing? Oh, Thomas. I mean, just the violence. Yeah, that was violent. You didn't expect that dirt to smack the shit out of this man.

That fucking threw that guy. Like that's a really good one. I like it. Why are you standing right there though? Yeah, I'm standing right there. See, I think it's funny to me because he was doing something stupid. Yeah.

And also, is he wearing the helmet? No. No, not at all. Yeah. We're seeing that over and over now. Are these criminals or? No, it's construction workers. Oh.

What? I can't tell if they're, what color? They're just construction workers. They're all dark skinned and they're working on the side of the road. Yeah, because now I'm confused. I'm like, who's the criminal and who's like the construction worker now?

These are like 3-D-Y, baby. Yeah, is this Tony John? Oh, man. That's fast. That is quick, right? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh my God, he's dead.

Bro. I think I've almost done that. I mean, it's almost like he wanted to do that to him. So does he not know how these things work? It was so deliberate. What I love is that, like this turn, you know what's gonna happen. Oh.

Yeah, he caught his head off. Yeah, but you know what? See, usually it's the drivers, the last one to get hurt. Yeah. This dude has hurt the most. Yeah. That landed on his neck.

Yeah, it did. That guy deserves a bit of a check right there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? You needed a reset and you got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a lifetime pain. Yeah.

Somewhere up in his upper shoulders. And he'll forget sometimes. Like people will be like, what's that from? He'll be like, you know, oh yeah. Yeah. It was from me being stupid. It's not from the shoulder.

Me being like this. It's like, you don't get to take that kind of risk with everybody in the cart. I don't like this. Oh, let's see here. Oh. Okay, here we go. It's gross.

Yeah. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. I don't like it. Yeah, no, I cannot. Oh, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw! Oh, god damn.

Wow. Oh, you stupid motherfuckers. Good job, guys. That was actually- You know acrobatics when you drunk? Yeah, no, I cannot. Oh, fuck! That grip, it's that grip.

Dude! You know what, you deserve that too. When you don't follow the gay warning. Yeah. When your friends on the side are like, no, I cannot. You're supposed to stop what you fucking know here. Toads.

Oh, yeah. Shit. He got fucked up, man. Yup, he deserved every bit of it. It might be out, right? Is he out? Yeah, he's definitely out. Yeah, he's definitely out.

He's dead. I mean, he definitely got a contusion. Like, his personality's not the same. Isn't the front of you, isn't right up here? You're a temporal lobe? Isn't that what your personality is? I don't know, it might be. Francesco's not happy.

Francesco. Francesco. All right, Jean, for you. Oh, thank God. What's this? My sorbet. This is Christina's contribution. The ever-popular TikTok segment.

This is where I curate. Isn't that your walk-out song? No, when I opened up for you, I thought you came out of that song. Maybe the club does. Sometimes if it's like a YMH fan. By the way, Brian's touring a bunch, so this is out 5-Eleven.

I know you're on the road. Where can people get tickets? Yeah, go to BS, fuck. Go to brandtipsandcomedy.com, or you can go to any of my socials and click on the link tree. BS comedian on Instagram, BS comedian on Twitter.

Dude, absolutely. I'm all over the country. I got dates all through the end of the year and dates being added all the time. You're one of my favorite comedians to watch. And I mean, I could not endorse your show more. It's awesome. You're just gonna keep getting bigger and bigger

and your stand-up is amazing. Thanks, big dog, appreciate you. Absolutely. All right, here's Gene, some of yours. Ready? Yeah. I'm gonna have to cuddle with a big guy with dentures, glasses, a tattoo, no beard.

And I love to cook. So if you want this. That's where it cuts off? Yeah. See, like, what's great is that, this reminds me of Kevin Samuels. You know? What about that?

Like, all of us as men would be like, yo, man, you're whole fucking, you can keep putting this shit out, but you're never gonna come up with what you want. Your shit's fucked up. But here's the thing. Here's the deal, man, is that he offers something. I like to cook.

And that is more than most of the cool guys give on these things. Like, he's like, hey, look, I'm fat. I got no teeth, but I fucking cook, bitch. And I respect that. That's the thing, when you're built like this guy, you don't have to say you love to cook. Yeah.

You obviously love to eat and you can't leave the house. Yeah, yeah. So how else are you eating? Yeah. And it's never too bright in here. That's the other part. He's like, it's always dark like this. It's always blue light, baby.

I hate the sun. Babe, remember that documentary on Manuel Uribe, the world's fattest man. Yeah, rest in peace. He used to order Chinese food and then they would bring it up in a bucket out in front of his window like his. Now you're confusing guys.

That's a different. That's a different fact, guys, yeah. Hey, what's going on with this dude's nose? Have you seen, look at the nostril on the left side. Yeah. It's all something else. Am I tripping? No, you're not.

No, you're not. Something's going on. Poor guy. Yeah, he's probably got a lot of issues. Dude, who's the guy with the bucket? That was a different guy. That was a guy. He lived on the second floor

and he couldn't obviously move from his bed. Was that that British show where they were like trying to, we had to cut them out of the house? That's also, that's a third person. That's a different show. Oh, wow. But these are all extremely morbidly obese people.

Yeah, they were thinking of, yeah. Manuel was in Mexico. That's right. And so his. His caregiver would. Was like his lady or his mom? No, his lady. Yeah, but like he would be like,

let me get like 15 eggs. And she was like, she was like, I have to feed him or he gets mad. And she would just make him whatever he wanted. But what's he going to do when he gets mad? I mean, exactly. He got up to like almost 1,100 pounds. He might burn some calories being angry.

Yeah. And there he is. He was charming though. And remember he said, I like to dance. He was like, I like to dance. And then we're like, how do you dance? And he would just sit down and be like. Yeah, he had a good spirit.

I like to remember dancing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would comb his hair. He's like, oh, it's like nice hair. Oh, he was the world's former heaviest person. Yeah. Died at 48 years old. Yeah.

I mean, he was. And you know what's neat about his story is that he's from Mexico and he got fat for the first time when he came to America. That's true. And he started eating like hot dogs and cheeseburgers and pizza and crap. So when he started this for him.

Yeah. He was a normal guy. And he still got married? Yeah. Looks like it. Yeah, she enabled him. They all have enablers. Yeah.

He's super big. Somebody that like helps, you know. I want to take care of him. I'm going to take care of him. I love you so much. Yeah. Hence the lady that would bring up the bucket of Chinese. You think they would do it?

Fuck. Yeah. I don't think you can fuck it this way. I don't think you can get it. I don't think you can get an erection. I don't think you can get an erection. No. I had a thousand pounds.

I mean, it's definitely not going to be potent. No. Wait a minute. Well, blood can go anywhere. I know Ralphie had sex. He had two kids. How big was Ralphie? He was not a thousand, but he got it.

I have a couple of times that he got over 600. Yeah. I mean, it's probably, it's definitely more difficult. Yeah. And you're definitely laying on your back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or sub. Or maybe there's some other way that we don't know about.

There is. I'm sure there's a whole sub brainage where they like, if you lift your knee up and if you hold, you can hold your stomach and put your leg this way. You fucked Ralphie? And your dick will just poke out. Oh, yeah. You know, like they have,

I'm sure there's a method in the community. Wait, did you fuck Ralphie? No. But I'll tell you a story off mic. Oh, oh man. I'm gonna tease the audience. Somebody told me that. I'll tell you a story.

I'll tell you fans hate when we speak. When they say that. Okay, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what I know. Picture this. If you're, if you're, the man can stand, the woman can lay. Oh, okay. On her back.

Oh, right. And lift his stomach. On top and put it on top of her a little bit. Jesus Christ. And that's how the penis can go in. All right. Oh, you can hire people to hold the stomach up. You can hire people to hold the stomach up.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure we'll figure it out. I might just get that fat just to find out. Yeah. So we can go for sure. Just to come back on the show and be like, guess what guys? I know the answer.

You have to cut this door down. What's he doing? Squeezing milk out of his tin. So this guy's on steroids and he squeezes his nipple and like some kind of a milk-like thing comes out of it. Oh man.

See, I can do, I can do violence. I can't do fluids. Yeah. That's, I don't like that at all. I don't like that at all. Keep your fluids to yourself. Fluids are like, it's like the emotions and fluids. No, I was facing it.

I don't want them touching me. So gross. Gross. But it's not, cause like when you lactate, it squirts out. So that's kind of like a cheesy, milky. Gross. Steroidy.

Why are you showing people? Dude. Well, my name is Brooke. I go by she, her, and I'm pansexual. I am the body's caretaker. Um, co-wanted us to do little interior introductions. So here's mine. I hope you guys enjoy.

She, who's she caretaker? She's her body caretaker of the body. I don't know. Of the body. And I'm sad to report she has taken a break from tech talk. Okay. No, let me, okay, let me.

She reported her last talk was that she's getting off the platform cause so many people are giving her negative comments. Is this the same bitch that was an interdimensional school teacher? Maybe. When I was on here before, there was a lady that was like,

I teach children from another dimension. Oh. Give me money. You know, this just just proved to me that he's been here before. He's like. Yeah. Cause this will remind me of it's like,

what is going on here? Yeah. I know that it, I'll tell you this. I wouldn't go out of my way to say something negative, but I feel nothing but negative feelings watching this. Right, right. Exactly. Like I wouldn't like harm this lady.

I want her to go away, but I also don't want to know more. I do not enjoy what she's doing. I don't know what this is. Yeah. Cause when she, cause when you say the body. Yeah.

I thought there was a new me, another person in the room that she was like, I take care of this other, the fucking voice that she does is terrible. My name is Brooke. I go by she, her and I'm pansexual. I mean, that's not her voice. That's a deliberate.

Her name is Brooke. She goes by she, her. She's pansexual. Right. Go ahead. You got that. Okay. And she's a caretaker of the body.

Well, let's see. I'm so irritable now. Watch it. Hold on, but hold on. Here's a deal. I'm confused. Is this a cosplay? Or is this her own thing?

Do you understand? Like this, this must be specific. She's got fucking elf ears on. So it's a cosplay world though. It's a nerd world we don't know about. She got on a pink wig, elf ears, and like wooden, wooden feather in her hair. And she think she still need the way to choke her.

We know you like being choked, bitch. You got on elf ears. She's got a dream catcher on her head. Man. Furious. Furious. I mean. This is what, I can tell you something.

You don't even have to tell me. I know this is Mexico. And this is what they are doing right. They don't, they are not buying into any of this. Me too. Don't say that word. They don't do any of that shit. They're just like, fuck off.

There's midget racing and we're betting on it. We're having fun tonight. Everybody prospers. Yeah. They're great. And the thing is they found a very specific kind of dwarf. Yeah. Right?

Because all these dwarfs have the same body. They're like muscular. Yeah, they have adult upper bodies and child legs. Yeah. That's definitely a title. Yeah, they look like fall guy characters. And there's a real, there's a real crowd here for this. Is that an adult upper body?

They open the gates. That dude's hauling ass. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, they're fast as shit. Is he wearing a towel? No. No, those are racing shorts. Yeah, man, but that dude was like the Usain Bolt of bitches.

Que viva Mexico. Yeah, I mean, I would go to one of these. I would too, gladly. Yeah, why is this not an Olympic thing? Not only would I go to one of these, I would fund one of these. Oh yeah. I mean.

Dude, let's do it, Tom. Let's set it up. I'm pretty sure they're not holding these guys hostage. Like they're doing this with their own free will. They're making a buck. It looks like fun. They did open a gate though. Like, yeah.

That's where the gates necessary. If they saw them as humans, humans usually start at a line from a stance. Yeah, this is a dog trap. Good point, Brian. So we, so we simply. Probably not treat them the best. Well, we augment it for our American tastes.

They get a standard line to start on. Like the winner gets a modello and everybody else gets a corona. Yeah, exactly. And we could definitely fund this. And we know, we actually, we know enough little people to get it started. Oh yeah.

We do. Yeah. What happened to fun? You know. I know. We should do that again. We do, we do tossing. Right.

We do midget tosses. I think that's less humane than just a race. A midget race? Oh yeah, a midget race. Cause this is interesting. Cause we don't know how, first of all, they're lower to the ground, which means they can move quicker.

But then how do you determine their speed? I don't know that that's correct. I don't know that that is. They're lower to the ground. That doesn't mean that you're quicker. This is true. I have flown on as in an Osprey or a Chinook where they, they fly lower to the ground military.

That does not apply here. And therefore can go faster. Okay. So. You're talking about aircraft. That does not apply to fucking speed on the ground. How do you know how fast a little person will be just by eyeballing them?

You don't necessarily know, but they have little legs and shorter strides. So that does not mean you're quicker. It actually is the opposite. Yeah. They're lower to the ground. Well, I think she means how fast one leg move, like how fast their legs can move.

Yeah, my kids can fall out. But not how, how quickly, not how like longer can go. That's right. Not the stride. However, you're closer to the ground. Okay. Probably they can less wind resistance.

I mean, they're definitely harder to knock over. Yeah. Because they're closer to the ground. Right. Yeah, center of gravity and all. But I don't know if they're faster. I bet you they're great skateboarders. Cause you know how bulldogs have a lower center of gravity

or shorter. What's on your next one? I think they can. Oh. Okay, the pressure washer is running. I'm going to give it a try. She's back. Let me know how I do it.

Okay. Oh, Jesus Christ. You don't like pressure washing? She thinks the only people that look like this in LA are definitely on meth. Yeah. This is like Britney Spears in 40 years. And she looks really southern to like the way that she's doing.

All of her approval, her whole life has been for her tits, you know. Yeah. I have to admit, pressure washing looks like a lot of fun. I think it is fun. This is a two minute video. Yeah. With the whole, with the bikini over the jeans.

That's terrible. I don't want to see this at all. Yeah. And the loose belly stuff. By the way, I don't know about you, but like in real life, when you encounter someone like this, I shut down so hard as far as like the part of your brain that acknowledges sexuality completely shuts down.

I go, I give you none of that. Well, you guys did, you guys did move to Austin, which made that way more likely. Yeah. You were running to people like this way more often. It just doesn't do. I mean, yeah. I'm like, you're an older lady and you're wearing.

You don't like big tits. I thought you like tits. I'm on the road now a lot and it's like, if I ever see a lady like this, I know that it's only a matter of time before someone says a nigga to me. Like a white person is gonna say, if I meet her, someone's gonna say nigga to me.

A white person's gonna say nigga within the hour. It's inevitable. Why? I don't know why. I think it's something about. You think she's racist. Mash tops. No, it's like they,

because they find out I was in the military and so they assume like I'm more conservative. So they think they can get away with it. Because look, it's not a mean spirited thing because most people that wanna say it, they wanna get away with saying it around a black person. Right. It makes them feel cool.

I'm so cool that a black person let me. Say it. So when I'm in like Montana or Milwaukee or something like that and I meet this person. And will that person, is the person who does say it and wants to get away with it? Do they wanna say it like add a ear shot to you or conversation?

Like how do they wanna get away with it? I think they get in where they fit in. Wherever they can. They wait for the opportunity. Yeah. And now I just go. And are they trying to say it like lyrics in a song or they're like, you know I was over?

No, conversation. Conversationally. Wow. Always. If I meet a lady like this, it's coming. It's coming. And what happens when they say it? How do you handle it?

I just go, no. No. Not cool with that. No, just like this ain't the situation. I know you thought it would be. Yeah. But it isn't. Oh, my bad brother.

My bad. Right, my bad brother. I don't get violent cause I'm in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, you should not. Don't, don't. Damn. Dang, Branson. Things your mom should have told you about hoes.

This is backed by science. It's a little long but bear with me. Hoescience. Casual sex leads to a decrease in this neurochemical production. They're talking about oxytocin. And that interferes with what is called pair bonding. It also says repeated sexual encounters

with multiple partners rewires the brain. That means even if a hoe wants the bond to form a connection with you, she can't. Isn't that crazy? Oh yeah, a hoe's gonna be hoes. Yeah. I've heard pimps say this a long time ago and they're not even scientists.

Yeah. The hoes can't. Yeah, a hoe's gonna always be a hoe. You can't, you don't snap out your hoe face. Yeah. That's kind of interesting. I think you're right. Cause I have a friend from college

that was a straight hoe. Like a whore. And now she's my age, we're all old and she's still a whore. Like she cannot for the life of her find the relationship or be in a relationship. She just can't do it. Yeah. Cause she's like, you know what it is?

It's like my cat, right? I made a mistake. I made a mistake of trying to find which food this bitch likes. And then it, and now she's been trained to just like having different food every other fucking week. She would never, she would like to shit and then I would buy a bunch of the shit

and then she wouldn't eat the shit. And I would buy some new shit and she would love the shit and I would buy a bunch of shit. And then I really, and then the vet was like, yeah, you fucked up. Now she's gonna just, they always expect some different shit.

That's how hoes are. They get some, they come up getting different dick from all the situations and they can always need it. They're getting used to the different dick. Yeah. And you kind of applies the same for to like mail, like the mail hoes too, right? Like the same inability to bond.

If like you fuck a hundred chicks over the course of a couple of years, you're just gonna be like, I need different all the time. Yeah. I can't. You just see body parts as different body parts. It's growth, like interchangeable.

Yeah. It's depressing. It's tough, it's tough. I wonder what inspired this TikTok. She definitely got cheated on. Who knows? Buy a hoe. Yep, no, yeah.

She's gonna, her man cheated on her with a hoe. Yeah. He's like, see these hoes. Yeah. So good luck never bonding with your new hoe. How you find hoes? Hoes. Hoes.

You guys. Deliberate. Deliberate. Yeah. You just had to, you had to read like, I blocked my fingers today. Oh my God. It hurt a lot.

No shit. Look how cool that looks. Yeah, it looks great. Like so cool. Dope as color. Uh-huh. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Holy shit, man. Yeah. See, I don't like to judge these people as much. Well, yes I do. Yeah, I do too. I'm talking about. It's like, bro, get a fucking, that's permanent, bro.

Yeah. I mean, the best job you could possibly get is Starbucks for a reason. Yeah, for sure. But even that's terrifying. Like it's Starbucks. I don't think this guy is real. You're like, why is like.

It's gotta be in the right city. You know what I mean? Like only certain cities are gonna be like, it's all right. San Francisco. Yes, Seattle. Austin. And some people are real extreme

where they're like, that's racist. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right. Right, I don't know. What is that? That would not be welcoming. That's up there with black face somehow.

Yes, black hands. That's true. You can't just have black hands. What? This is a fucking game to you? Right. It's entertainment to make yourself black? No.

Oh, shit. You're taking it to the wrong place. Doesn't it look cool? What? Please don't. Fuck outta here. That's a toy. No, that's a real person.

That's a real person. That's a real person. That ain't a person. It sure is. Spoiler alert, guys. They passed away recently. Don't make a lot of noise. Be gentle.

What the fuck, babe? She's still picking her nose at fucking 103? Yes, bro. What is this? Those are the triest, sharpest boogers ever done. So this is in Thailand. This is their, I think, relative, it's a man. And they took care of him as he was getting older.

And I'm telling you, this fool could still eat, was still getting up. I absolutely hate this so much. And also, why didn't I moisturize in my man's? I ain't got no cocoa butter in Thailand. I know, it's not just shit. He looked like a tree. It looks terrible.

Are these holes in the face? Yeah, his cheeks have hollowed out from, okay. From big 150. I never want to hear shit from him. I know, this muffler look like he gives out side quests. Yeah, this is absolute, I mean, this is some movie shit. Like, if this was a horror movie,

they'd be like, you went too far, you gotta pull it back some. You can't have this fucking skeleton come to life. Well, why are they letting him play with the children, which is so terrifying. How's the kid not scared? I know. And like, but here's the deal.

Here's the difference between us and like this culture, is that they take care of their elderly. Not then you should. This person is dying. You shouldn't write this. At this point, at this point, yeah, we need to wrap it up. Yeah. At this point, you push him off.

I mean, he already looked wrapped up. He already looked like a mummy. He looks like a mummy. He already looked wrapped up. And I'm sure, I'm sure he's over it too. He wanted to be dead 10 years ago. Yeah. I don't even like how fast he moved.

That was so fast, right? Yeah, I thought some shit was just gonna break in half. Well, I'm saying like, he had a pretty, not fantastic life, but this guy was eating still and moving around and. All right, I just gotta get out of this. New York is tight. You really only get that there.

Yeah. It's so unique. It's pretty special. I mean, it's extreme. I think you get it in some other places, but not with the regularity and the intensity. It's pretty awesome. Today, we're eating chicken thighs

that have been in my pantry for two years. Listen to this still break. Perfect. I canned these in March of 2020, and today I'm just gonna make a quick chicken salad out of them. I water bath canned these in March of 2020, and I did it skin on, bone in,

and the bone just pulls right out. Yeah, I sure bet it does. Can you do this with chicken? I'm just gonna dump that all in my bowl. You can't pit bull. Yum. Oh, I don't know. I've never seen this.

I'm gonna go through and pick out all of the skin. I will leave the gelatinous fat in there because it's so good for you, and you don't even notice it once you put your mayo mixture in. Definitely use all that skin to treat the tiny best friend. She loves when I open a jar of meat.

She's right there begging. She's gonna die in about an hour. I just mixed up egg yolk, mayo, and pickle juice, and I'm just gonna stir that to thin. Then I'm just going to pour it right over top of my chicken. I also have some diced eggs and diced pickles in there. I added dill, salt, and pepper.

Why can't you do this with fresh chicken? Is that a problem? Right, right, this might be the math. It's gotta be two-year-old chicken. It's the nastiest video you've ever shown me. I know. Well, Anne, she puts egg yolk to make the mayonnaise. Like, bitch, you're double nasty,

like rotten chicken and then a raw egg. And mayonnaise is eggs, right? Yeah. But you buy the processed kind, so it's got preservatives. Like, this is so foul. Yeah, how do you jar this so that it doesn't kill you? For a quick meal, we just toasted some cauliflower rounds

in our Instant Pot Vortex, and we'll have anything without cheese. So this bitch gonna cook the cauliflower and not cook the chicken? Look how yummy. It's okay, boy. She gonna toast the vegetables and leave the chicken raw.

It's just so nasty. You're really on one today. It's a question. I swear to God. Again, if somebody offered me this kind of meal, within the hour, someone's gonna say niggas to me. If I get, seriously, if someone pulls out this meal.

Absolutely. I think you're right. Hey, brother, you know, I had this chicken two years in here. Yep. So I was like, oh my God, we bought, yeah, we bought all sausages and everything now. You know what I'm wanting to tell you? Okay, I have a question for you.

Would you rather you're in a remote village in Uganda? Okay. Remote as fuck. Like, you're the first person they've seen with a camera. Isn't remote in Uganda kind of? What's it called? Redundant? Yeah.

But like, let's say you're just in the most remote as part of the world. The villagers have never seen a phone. You're the first person they've seen with technology. Holy shit. Welcome, Brian. We've made you the most sacred meal of our tribe. It's fire roasted rodent.

And it's this rat that we catch deep in the jungle. And it's lovely. We put it over the fire. That's your meal. Or this bitch's jarred chicken. Oh, well, that's not even a hard choice, the rodent. Really? Yeah, it's cooked.

Okay, raw rodent. Oh, no. Freshly caught, freshly caught. Now you're having chicken with N words if it's a raw rodent, right? Right, oh yeah. But hold on, what if it's a snake and it's just peeled? Like, let's say they catch it fresh in like the Amazon.

This fucking says, properly stored, unopened and canned chicken. Will generally stay at best quality for about three to five years. Oh, word? Although usually remain safe. Oh my God. I guess because there's no oxygen

getting in there to decompose it. I don't know, hit that dropdown under there. Huh. What does that say? Two to five years. I don't understand. Why would you do this voluntarily? We're not in a war.

Oh, yeah, so yeah, I guess I'm going with the canned. Yeah. I'm going with the canned chicken and racism. That's what, what if she calls it that? She's like, this is my N word chicken. What? Oh, I canned it. It ain't what you think.

Oh, this is traditional. Yeah. The way my great-great-grandfathers. It's just that granddaddy called it that and so I called it that too. This comes out, oh, I'm not supposed to read that. Oh, gosh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh my God, what is that? Damn, that's just his high school room. Oh my God, what is that? His ring grew into his finger. He had on for so long. No. How does that happen though? Because like, so you have these on for you.

It happens like when you're pregnant, you swell and sometimes your rings get stuck. So maybe he gained weight over the years as person. And then the ring can grow in the air. Is this all you did on this one? Just try to be absolutely fucking disgusting. This is, listen, the algorithm speaks to me. This is, I'm just reporting the news.

Stop it, you're, you're thumbs down. I'm reporting the news. This is what's out there in the world right now. This is foul, I hate this. It just looked like, and it doesn't look like, what kind of ring is that? Class ring, it looks like. Yeah, it's like.

It's a bit. I think, I don't know. Like he peaked in high school. What is that, what is that? Oh. It's a woman. It's a woman's hand. It's a woman's hand?

Yeah, it looks like it with the nails. Oh my God, I hated this. Survival tip number one. If you're in a car accident, you're trapped inside your vehicle. You may even be under water. You have no way to break the windows. Let me show you how.

Undo your headrest. Push the button, pull out your headrest like this. Flip it over. You see these heart metal things? Smash your window and get out of your car. What do you think? You're in the military, Brian. You got sound?

That's ridiculous. I don't know. I don't know. I think he just wanted to make a video and sound like he knew. Well, the survival people now, I just heard it. You see the guy that's famous for like

telling people how to stop not getting shot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How to stop what? I don't know how to shoot. He does these things about like, if someone has a gun to you, he's like, grab it like this and turn in their hand. Everybody who knows like tactical things

and martial arts and self-defense, they're like, do not do anything this guy says. Like there's like parodies of them. Cause like this guy has never survived a shootout. You know what I'm saying? He's never used any of this stuff. He just wears like a leather vest. That's it.

Yeah. Destroy urban survival training. He doesn't know? Yeah. Well, and also aren't you gonna be so panicked if you're in a water filled car? And the pressure from the external. This dude's hilarious though.

He, let's, I want to see. You haven't ever seen Tom? Never. Oh, oh, somebody issued him or yeah. He does all these things with guns where he's like, somebody comes up to you a gun, grab it like that. Yeah, you can clay one of them.

Sure. See, hit that. Just hit the volume down for a second. I don't know. What they're gonna do is they grab your wrists. A lot of dressers do this when you're talking to them. Cause they don't want trouble. So what you're gonna do is you're gonna take your hands

and clap just like that and pull down. So there you go. No one grabs your wrists. Go like that. Right. Yeah, no. Let you go in, you put your hands right back in front of your face again.

So we teach people how to create safety safely. Specifically, we teach people how to become their own bodyguards. How to make themselves safe. And we teach psychology, law and skill in that order so they can have a legal format to protect themselves and their families and others. Is he a truck driver?

And I understand psychologically how to create the most non-enversarial interaction so they can create the most non-violent. The gun stuff is the craziest, right? Like somebody with a knife to you, you're like, hold on. You're not gonna do that. You're in a panic. Could you reposition your hand?

Cause I learned something. Yeah, cause the first class should be like run. Yeah. Troy, urban survival training. Gotta do your chest. We share with you right now what to do if a striker-fired weapon is pinning against your chest against the wall and a criminal is holding you at bay.

And the reason why they're doing this is because this is how they search you for weapons, how they're gonna take things from you, also how they're going to harm you, physically keep you from running or pulling out a weapon, is by getting close and pinning you to a wall, to a car. In this case, it's striker-fired, so there's no hammer in the back.

So the first thing we're gonna do is we can't move out of the way, we can't move offline. And if I were to try to move this, as soon as he saw my hand moved, he's gonna fire. So we have to make this weapon not fire. And give an example, the human reaction time, when he sees me move, he's gonna fire.

So the reason why it didn't move, the slide didn't slide, is because I inhibited it by pushing into the rear. From there, what we do is push the barrel back towards the aggressor, and now you have a weapon. No, you're not. And if you don't want to shoot, first of all, it has to be a striker-fired weapon which is back against the wall with it touching your chest.

Detroit Urban Survival Training. It's crazy. I'm gonna share it with you right now. It's totally crazy. This is so irresponsible just to put that thing on the wall. Have you seen all the things where they show him training, and then they show somebody doing it,

and then they move, and they're in heaven? Yeah, well. That's fantastic. They're like, wait, what happened? Son of a bitch. Yeah, there's one right there. Remember, you disarm the gun. First thing you do.

Let's do this point, please. Remember, you disarm the gun. First thing you have to do, always, is move it to the front of the barrel. Okay? Try again. Very good. One, two, three, and then you survive.

Got it? Yeah, I got you. Give me your life, nigga. Man. Man! No! I got this gun, bro! Are you kidding me, my boy?

Yeah. It's gotta come on home. Man, come, no! There's like 1,000 of these. Yeah, he's like, you didn't do your training. It's like, no, your tactics don't work. Oh, this is funny. Yeah.

He looks sloppy with his work. All right, we gotta wrap up. Lead bullshitter, that guy. Brian, it's always good to see you. Good to see you, Brian. Thank you for stopping in. Yeah, thanks for having me, y'all. Proud of you for everything you got going.

It's amazing to watch. Big fans, dude. Thanks, man, I appreciate it. We love you. Come back anytime. Love you guys, too. Have a canned chicken, I promise. Oh, yeah.

We might. No, I don't wanna try it. Let's get real chicken. All right, bye, guys. Bye, guys. Bye, y'all. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe.

Just wanted to say hi. You were so beautiful. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. I hope this video doesn't scare you. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. Good morning, Julia.

It's me, Joe. I will love you like you've never been loved before. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe. This man's sitting in my mind when you said to me you wanna go back with your ex boyfriend. After you've experienced me,

you wanna even know who your ex boyfriend is. Please erase them from your memory. Go back in the past. I could see me falling in love with you. Let's go full throttle. Full throttle. Full, full, full throttle. Oh, I'm mad.

Oh, I'm mad. Full, full, full throttle. Good morning, Julia. I really like that. Good morning, Julia. Full, full, full throttle. Good morning, Julia. It's me, Joe.

Good morning, Julia. Ciao, baby.