Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 658 - Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

On this week's YMH, Tom Segura and Christina P discuss "Top Gun: Maverick," CP's recent experience seeing her favorite band Bauhaus, the newest Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, "Worst Roommate Ever" on Netflix, and more! The Main Mommies watch videos of a British guy who resembles the late, great Fedsmoker, a batch of "Horrible or Hilarious" videos, and, of course, a batch of Christina P's TikTok curations.

Because chicks are into wicca, I must say as a 13 year old, I was really into witch, witchcraft and, you know, tarot cards and runes and like this is a very adolescent girl. Yeah, I'd like to move on. Okay, thanks. F*** back, title took two mil away, rather eager to stay counts anyway, with the freshest murs, and head cut fries, get fat like bird, call me supersized. Are you bathing? Are you staying clean? Are you my girl? Do you really love me, unleash? I know you really wanna kiss, but I fart in your face, cause you smell like piss, Chuck Berry. Cool Terry, with cool God Terry put a plug in his ass, double ended fuck's leave, got him coming fast. Virginity is cool, come on, come on.

Virginity is cool, he's got it, he's got it. Virginity is cool, what up, what up. Virginity is cool, he got it, he got it, mind you, say sweet, the expiration date lied to me. F*** you, bitch, or call me back, ain't no slut too busy for that. Gotta hold on to love. Gotta hold on to love. Gotta hold on to love. Gotta hold on to love.

Gotta hold on to love, with the cool God Craig. Gotta hold on to love. Gotta hold on to love. With the cool God Craig. Stand back, mommy, coming at you fast. Shit in your mouth, spit it back in your ass, red damn. This is the thing I've ever heard, eating booty, poolside, mouth full of turd. Oh yeah, he ain't lookin' like that.

Remind you one time, fuckin' bird is fast. Spent $30,000 on his tattoos. He ain't supposed to eat from the back of shops that hold foods. Ways 30 bills, but he looks 210. Amazon package on his porch again. Name's Hot Rock, Nick. Got a 12-inch dick. You should try it out if you can handle it.

00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,000 Skittlin' hip-hop-hop. Skittlin' hip-hop-hop. Bitter, bitter, bitter. Skittlin' hip-hop-hop. Gizzy, gizzy, gizzy. Shake my whole, everybody motherfuckers. Gotta hold on to love. Gotta hold on to love. Gotta hold on to love.

Gotta hold on to love. From the cool guy globe. Gotta hold on to love. From the cool guy globe. Gotta hold on to love. From the cool guy globe. Gotta hold on to love. From the cool guy globe.

I mean. Yeah. What a trip down memory lane with that one. It's such a jam. I mean. Solid. Yeah. Solid work.

This is a young Patreon. And anybody else new? Credit on that? Is that just him? I forget. A young Patreon and Obi-Wan Kandoli. That's what it was. Obi-Wan Kandoli.

Obi-Wan. I mean classic. Yeah. And then who edited the video? Remember who edited the video? That was so funny. When they did the music video, you know? With it.

Was that? I don't see. It just looks like it's young Patreon. No. Who did the edit though on the video? Yeah. We're not on that version. You gotta find the version that was like the music video.

Right. Yeah. This one was just a still image. Let me see if I can find that. Look at that. Look at Uncle Terry's face. Yeah. I mean.

I always thought it would be because the video is fantastic. But I always thought wouldn't it be amazing if we could try to get the cool guys into a video? The music video. I mean most of them are dead. But like the ones who are alive and not incarcerated would be awesome. It would be really cool. But also it probably, I don't know, it probably wouldn't go well.

Because when you shoot a music video, you sit around all, you know, there's a lot of like time to kill, which time to kill is like a real kryptonite for cool guys. Like they're not like, oh, I'll just chill and read, you know. The comedy curator edited the video. That's what it was. So yeah, the three of them. But that, yeah, I remember when that first came out, I could, I played that thing like a hundred times and I watched that video over and over.

The video really enhanced the music, which is already. Yeah. The music's incredible. I mean, it took me down memory. Fuck McDonald's. I forgot about how they took away their money. Two million dollars. That was a bad mistake.

And you just purchased that car, remember? Yeah. And the Lamborghini. I had to sell it back. And then what's it called? That was bad. Morton's Steakhouse. Morton's came back.

They came through with a couple of grand, but then sometimes I see people who fail. A couple of grand. But it wasn't enough to barely paint the set from red and yellow to Steakhouse colors. They'll tell Garth Brooks. They'll be like, you ever go to Morton's? They came through when we needed them. So there's an update. There's a Garth update.

What? Well, here's the thing. So I was allowed to comment, right? What? And people can comment underneath my comment, but I can't see those comments. I don't know what setting that is. That's interesting. It's a whole weird thing.

Like if you pull up Garth, you'll see that I'm, I think you'll, if you go to, go ahead and go to the, either the one on the far right there or the middle one. I forget which one I commented on. Look at him. Look at him with his back turned to the empty. You need to be doing these things. There. There.

See, but I couldn't read any of the comments underneath it. View replies and you don't. Yeah. Can you view, can you see replies or no? You can't, but I can't. Wow. Yeah. So it's like he's giving you.

Oh, here we go. He's giving you permission to contribute, but then not. Reap the fruit of your labor. Not enjoy the benefits. Yeah. Which is an interesting mindfuck, right? It's a punishment of sorts. Yeah.

Yeah. I went full restriction, full unrestricted. Fully unrestricted. I want to play ball with all the other kids. You put me in a special ed group. I don't like it. He heard you. He must have heard you.

He unblocked you. Yeah. Well, sort of. Sort of. Why can't I see the comments? Why can't? That's part of the fun. It is part of the fun.

Hey, you can watch the kids play kickball. I want to play. He's not letting you. Will you please parody his photos? Because I know that Sean takes your photographs, your photographs. Well, here's the thing that's happening is that I have started talking about him a little bit on stage. And that goes away if I'm allowed to play.

But yeah. Uh-oh. If not. Hey, Garth, I got something for you. My book. I'd like to play alone, please. I just got these are the advanced copies. It's amazing.

So this book comes out. If you're watching this the day this is released, comes out in two weeks. I'm very excited. It's a beautiful cover. It's so beautiful. Look at the back. Yeah. And look who endorses you, Tom.

I got the big blurbs. Lots of variety. I got John Stewart from former host of the Daily Show. Maybe you heard of him. Big talents. I got Ally Wong. Come on. She's a female.

Diverse. She's Asian. She endorsed it. Check. John's a Jew, right? Stewart. John Stewart's Jewish. Check.

Male. Great. And then I got Joe Rogan, polarizing influencer. All three said buy this book and you could pre-order it. And if you pre-order it, today you'll get it probably the day it's released. So I'm very excited. I'm very proud of it. Also, there's e-books if you don't want the hard copy and audio books.

So you can go wherever you get your audio books, Audible or wherever you like to do it. But I'm very excited for it. Me too. And we just got those yesterday. It's so exciting to finally hold the finished product in my bird paws. I mean, I've been watching you tick, tick, tick, tick for a long time and then to see it.

Very special. Very pretty cover. Good, great artwork and so you. It's like perfect you. Yeah. It's pretty cool. I can't wait to read it. I cannot.

As long as we're plugging, plug, butt plugs. May I plug some dates really quick? Yeah. First of all, check out my merch page, the Christina P mom jeans special. I've got some really banging merch. My favorite right now are the non gender specific onesies I'm selling. Person with a penis, person with a vagina to be in full compliance with today's standards. Yeah.

And also some great 80s looking stuff for my special. It's really fun. There's also a couple things I really like in the store now, the JMID stuff. Really good. Yeah. There's one that's like in a NASA parody, I guess, and one in a. There's also one done in the Duncan Donuts. And then there's all new.

This is the stuff that I, I don't know. I feel like is the real most exciting is the Fed Smoker stuff. Oh, worse. It has like the Fed Smoker cap and the t-shirt at the top. Those right there. Oh my. The Fed Mobile. That's amazing.

The Falcon Rad. That's the actual Fed. And that's really a wink to who knows. You know, if you have that on someone's like, they know, they know. They know. Yeah. All right. Let me plug my dates.

This is the week of June 1st. I will be in Atlantic City, New Jersey for one night only, one night only. There's a handful of tickets left for the Borgata. Come see me there. And then June 5th, Boston massive huge tits at the Wilbur. Very small tickets by the time this air is maybe gone. So get them now. Then I go in July to Washington Dick come at the DC improv.

Two nights in man friend disco at Cobb's Comedy Club. One night in meat rattle. The Neptune. Those are almost gone as well. Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarities in August. Minneapolis tits as well in August. And the, you know, we're going to, we're going to add some stuff. Nashville in October.

Christina P online.com for tickets. Thank you so much. I love you. I guess the thing I'll keep plugging is my added show at the What is this June 1st you said? Well, I'll be at, sorry at the, I did it. I added a third show at the Marat Theater in Indianapolis, June 12th. And I have a show, oh yeah, July 2nd, the late show here in Austin at ACL, the Moody Theater.

And I added a show July 6th at Atwood Concert Hall in Anchorage, Alaska. And finally July 24th. I will be at Ball Arena for an added show in Denver, Colorado. Amazing. So thank you very much. Oh, that's so gay. Now. Ball Arena.

Ball Arena. Yeah. Yeah. Very excited. Still good. Chilling in Denver, y'all. Y'all. All right.

You ready? I'm ready, bro. Let's get started. Let's get faded. Excuse me. Hi. Hi. Can I have an answer to not take any pictures of the monuses?

But you're on the public street and I'm stood in public. I mean, it's absolutely fine. Very nice. You know, it's basically trying to keep everything as private as you can. Yeah, but I've got a YouTube channel. I need footage. I mean, I appreciate that you're allowed to take pictures. I also appreciate cleaning pictures.

That's okay. Well, tough shit to you, madam. And tough fuck shit to you, mate. So go and tell someone else what to do in public, mate. Seriously. I appreciate that. I'm just kindly asking the team. Let me kindly ask you to fuck off and lose me alone.

Don't bring anyone to this. Oh, the psycho. No, mama, the fucking sa- Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house, with Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Pejitz in Christmas season.

Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoop, whoop. Kindly fuck off. Yeah. The thing I like about this dialogue is that, I feel like that's my inner dialogue with people, but then I change it to something polite and civilized.

Of course. That's what everybody does. Yeah. Is that what everybody does? Yeah, yeah. Fuck your mother in there. Yeah. Kindly ask you to fuck off.

Yeah. Yeah, the guy's a psycho. I mean, you know what's funny is that, when you're like that, like this guy's clearly a crazy psychopath. And people are like, he's their normal, but he only is lucking out that he's not doing this to the wrong guy.

Yeah. To another psycho. Every day it's just a roll of the dice. Ah, let's see what I roll today. Right? And like, you could say this to a golden glove boxer. Yeah. He's like, what?

It was just like a bap and just cracks your fucking face. Which happens. That happens in time. Yeah. When a psycho meets another psycho. Yeah. Or just somebody that you can't do that. Just respect certain people.

Yeah. You know, last night you were watching a murder show and I was drifting off to sleep and I caught snippets of the content and it was like, evil exists in the world, but evil is done by people. Yeah. And it was about how psychos are just amongst us all the time.

That's right. I'm watching a worst roommate ever on Netflix. Have you watched that? It is a series of stories, essentially, of people just rolling the dice with roommates. Yeah. And sometimes your roommate turns out to be a fucking

killer, you know? But don't they say things like that? Like they show that they're a little off, killer in moments. Almost all these people have impulsive angry reactions. Yes, that's true. You'll see it. And it's just, it's usually what triggers it.

So like one of these guys here, that Yosef Cutter, I think, Qatar, after. The middle guy? Yeah. So he, like a lot of psychos is very charming and charismatic and doesn't like, doesn't, was triggered by you not liking him, right? So somebody who was like, I don't really, he was

like, what? And then being called out. A lot of people like this are fine until somebody puts their, you know, shit together and goes like, I think this, and basically calls out the truth. And then the person gets extremely upset. And then they kill that person. Sometimes, I mean, and this, I mean, these are,

these are all different stories. I don't know if I want to give it away for people who want to watch it, but everybody got violent for different reasons. The old lady even? Yeah. Wow. It's rare when an old lady does stuff.

She killed the most people. No. Well, now I got, can we watch her episode tonight? Sure. It's episode one. Dude, she kind of looks like my mom in that picture down there with her glasses on the red lip. Yeah.

Yeah. Am I wrong? Maybe it's episode two. I forget now. But it was, it was fascinating. Her story is fascinating. You know, one of the things I'll tell you about her that without giving away the whole story, she attempted

and did look older on purpose. She's not as old as she appears to be. That's sneaky. Because she would find it easier to manipulate being an old lady. Definitely. So she's like 30 there. No, but she's like 50 and everyone thought she's like

78. Oh, just because of how you dress. Yeah. Isn't that funny? I was looking at pictures of women, handsome ladies, my age. Uh-huh. Like if you Google a 40-year-old woman or 45-year-old woman in like the 1960s, like Google that, like 40-year-old

women in 1960 or 1950, they look so much older than... Oh, yeah, yeah. We all do now. Yes. And it really is your manner of dressing. And look at those old broads. Like those women are younger than me. That's 40.

Those are all 40? Those are 40. Look, then and now. That this is what I saw. Exactly what I saw. That looks like a fucking pack of wolves right there, right? Jesus Christ. I know.

They look like shit, right? They really do. It looks like the dog park. It looks like you're in the... The kennel club? Yeah. It's like... Dog, pound.

Yeah. Yeah. This is what people look like. And they're my age. And I guess it's like, yeah, you just look like you're sad and depressed and you do your hair bad. So like that's just life then though, right? Life is like that.

I don't know. I mean, you know, obviously they didn't have like fillers and Botox and shit. Definitely. Probably like, I mean, makeup, but also they didn't have as much knowledge about what healthy is. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like what you should be eating, drinking, exercising, like all those things that everybody kind of, not everybody does it, but you know what's going to make you look better and feel better. Yeah. And like that wasn't even... No. People didn't have any idea. They told you to smoke while you were pregnant back then

so that you would have lighter babies, lower birth weight. Yeah. And like people just drank and smoke like all day I think. Are you pregnant? You got to start smoking more. Yeah. I wish. So great.

Also, don't forget, if you have not yet, I'm telling you, we've had every comedian, you know, most of them at some point either had them on the podcast, interacted with them. I would put Danny Brown in as funny as the funniest comedian I've ever hung out with. Oh my God. And we get to produce his podcast now, which is, I'm telling you dude, that guy makes me laugh harder than anybody.

And his podcast drops every Tuesday. It comes on, it's on the YMH YouTube channel. You can download and listen to it anywhere you listen to podcasts. Rate, review and subscribe please. Tell your friends about it. We want people to know about this show. And I want him to do it forever because he's just so fucking funny. Even his laugh, just his laugh.

I know. But his observations are just... So happy. So they're, I've told him, I'm like, you make like comedy. Yeah. Like a, like a veteran comic level observations. Yeah. Yeah.

He's hilarious. So funny. His brain is amazing. Such a funny dude. Amazing. We haven't done, we did do the intro. Sorry, I'm on drugs. Yeah.

I'm so, you know what? I'm so fucking cloudy because I got turned up this weekend. Yeah. You got turned, because you, as usual, you turned a work weekend where you're doing stand up into a Bauhaus weekend. I sure did. Where you traveled to see Bauhaus. I'm back again.

I'm routing on my touring. Agent G's just called me before the show and he's like, I got your tickets to Brooklyn. You're going to do the Bauhaus on the September 7th. Next day. Shout out. And then you're going to do... So anyway, but here's what I did and it was so rad.

Are they playing the next day? Yeah, in Brooklyn on September 8th. Same venue? As me, no. No. Are they doing Kings? I think so, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So any hoodles. The cool part is that I got to kick it with the lightning crew. The original Goths, who I, as a 14 year old was Gothic with. And now there were all middle aged adults with kids and lives and jobs. And it was so fun. And it really made me appreciate old friends and really made me realize how forgiving I am of old friends.

Like if one of them were to be like, dude, I haven't paid my taxes in 20 years. I'd be like, dude, this is fucking stupid. And I'd laugh. But if anybody now, like somebody I just met told me that I'd be like, the fuck out of here. You degenerate piece of shit. Yeah. But because I grew up with them.

I know. It's like they have carte blanche. They licensed it ill. It's so weird. It's part of like the human condition and mind. Yeah. About how you, you know, like accept and how you reject people. And it's really just based on your affection and proximity and time with them.

And it's the same thing. I know. With punishment. Yeah. It's the same thing. So I've read this thing one time about, I think it was somebody who was in prison for something. And they, they were saying, you know, I forget what crime they did.

It was like a robbery or something. And they, they made the observation that when somebody you know does something terrible, that you're close to, like your child, your, your, your sibling, your parent, something, you go, take, give them another chance. Yeah. Give them another chance because I know this person and they're not that. Yeah. And like, just know them, but you also know them.

Yeah. Like you take it, take it easy on them because they deserve it. And we all made, you're extremely compassionate. And when somebody you don't know does that same thing, you go throw the fucking book at them. Totally. Make this person pay. Yeah.

You know, make them pay. And that's what they deserve. They deserve harsh punishment. I know. But if I love them, they don't deserve harsh punishment. That's so true. But, you know, but, but that goes with anything with business or you don't, you always want to help people you like.

Yeah. Right. That's so important to be like, I was just thinking about that, like raising kids. Yeah. Let me write this down first before I forget my thought. When you're raising children, I was thinking to myself, is it necessarily getting good grades that's going to make you successful in life? Or is it, you know, whatever the things you're supposed to do, extracurriculars and getting

into Harvard? Like, no, I think the most important thing is to be personable and to be likable and to get along with people. And I think it's a fucking crime to be boring. I feel like, like to me, the biggest crime is to be given the gift of life and be a boring motherfucker. Like, is there anything worse than being at dinner with someone who's a fucking zilch? No, it's the fucking worst.

Yeah. And I don't care what you are. If you're entertaining and you're interesting and you're full of life, like, doesn't that count for so much more? Just have an opinion on something. Something, bro. I was thinking about the worst dates that ever went on and what it was. Here we go.

No, what it was was, was like, you know, what do you think? Oh my God. I don't know. But what do you want to do? I don't know. What do you want to do when you're like, well, what do you like? What's your favorite thing? I don't know.

Like the whole, like, I don't, I don't have a thought about anything. I know it's, it's, it's a crime. Yeah. And you're like, what have you been doing for the years you've been on earth? Like, like, first of all, the, the, the chance of you existing is like one in a billion, right? You exist. That's a miracle.

And then you're just going to piss that away by being a dullard, like you fucking cunt. And then another thing I was thinking of, too, is like, why is it that like your childhood friends and I say child, like your teen friends? Yeah. Like, because you're forming your sense of humors at the same time. Like you, you guys grow your brains together. Yeah. Like, do like these, these fools can say shit and I'll just, I'll like, oh my God,

like it just brings back 30 years of laughing. Yeah. It's just like compounded, you know? That's like when I saw, yeah, I saw Justin a few weeks ago. He's like, you look good. I was like, thanks, thanks. He's like, you've been lifting. And I was like, yeah, yeah, we've been working out a lot on the road.

He goes, yeah, you've got great symmetry, man. It's just the only thing to say. He's like, look at the symmetry, like shoulders. It's just something that is so like him to pick, like a, like a, he always like is married to a word or a phrase for like a few months. And then it goes away. And but I was like, I had to call my other friends. I was like, he said I had great symmetry.

Yeah, it's such a funny word. Like, who does that? Nobody says that to you. Symmetry. Check out your, you say that to like body bones, you know? I know. Even seeing Shawnee, who I've grown up with since we were like 14. And the minute I see her, we slip back into Valley Girl talk and it's all like,

dude, bro, I know, bro, come on, bro, dude, I was all like, fucking what? And I just laugh listening to her talk, like we, we roll into Valley Girl speak, but Annie Hoodles, it did make me realize, too, the importance of just like having fun, especially when you're a grown ass adult and you got two little kids and like, you got to make time for fun, crippling responsibility. You know what is fun? God damn is like showing up to like a working film set and then filming them. And then that's a different kind of when they're polite.

You tell them to go fuck themselves. OK, it's very aggressive. Hey, who came up to who here who stood within one meter of me? Can you please stand back, please? Social distancing. You're not even wearing your mask properly because I didn't go up to people, though, did I? You did.

So fuck off. Oh, thank you, young man. Problem, there isn't a problem. Why are you coming up to me now? I'm stood on the public street. I'm interested in video. This is all video audio equipment. Fuck you both.

Thank you. Fed, fed, smoker vibes. Guess what? What? There's not only is there more, but we've seen him before. What? Yeah, yeah, check him out. Yeah, away from crew, please.

OK, dude, fuck off, dude. Seriously, fuck off. Mate, don't come with it. You're 50 centimetres away from me. Fuck off. Dude, get the fuck out of my face. Mate, I'm not in your face. Please step back away from the crew.

It's two metres away. Dude, don't come within two metres of me. I'm not exactly young, mate. Sir, can I just say the whole crew? Dude, you've just touched me. Please don't. You have. I'm not here for testing, I've been coming into one.

Dude, am I stood on the public street? You are, but, mate. So fuck off and stop telling me what to do. How's that? No one's making a scene except you guys. I'm just going to be here quietly, collecting some footage from my YouTube channel. Leave me alone.

Yes, for fuck's sake. That's fully insane. Why does it sound so much classier with that accent? It just does. Yeah, it does. For fuck's sake, fuck off. You're like, oh, it's so good. So sexy, right?

And good. Are you OK? You seem like you're very stressed out. Why, are you a psychotherapist? No, I'm just seeing if you're all right. You are kind of being quite aggressive, everyone. Hey, listen, listen. If you think I've broken any laws,

call the police on me. Otherwise, shut up. Seriously. Well, I'm trying to not have a conversation with you. Is it not clear by the times I've told you to fuck off? OK. You have a nice day. No, you don't have a nice day.

You twat. Yeah, why try to like analyze them? I agree. It's a that's a bad move to be like, I see you're upset. Like he's not a toddler. Yeah, he's a psycho. Yeah, he's a really angry dude. Yeah, call 9-1-1 or whatever it is.

What is it? I'm on a public who's going to like, you know, tells you the like most people just kind of go like, oh, yeah, no problem. You don't want this film. But he's like, here are the rules. And I'm not breaking the rules. Like he's just looking for conflict.

Looking for a fight like a toddler. Yeah, yeah. This is where you know I'm from. Remember this central foundations. The emergency staircase shaft and concrete. Always nice to say hello, mate. How are you? I'm just getting a shot of it from my YouTube

channel of the construction. Why? Why make it quick? Why are you telling me what to do? He's friendly. I'm not allowed to do it. In there, tell your friends what to do. Don't tell me what to do.

I'm not telling you that. I used to come to this site. You haven't got the rights to be using your camera. You can't even know who you are. Why are you calling me a criminal? Because you have got a camera. Is it because I'm an Arab? You're calling me a criminal.

Are you being racist? Really? I'm black. Best response ever. Either you're going to let me do what I'm doing. No, I'm going to let you do it. Or you're going to try and stop me. Or you're going to try and stop me.

You're back off then. Because you might be a criminal. I don't know who you are. That's it. I'm telling you now. My name's Charlie. I'm an Arab. I don't care.

You might be anybody. Charlie the Arab. I don't care. Charlie the Arab. I don't care. So I don't know you. You've got no idea what you are. You've got in the constitutional side.

You've got truth here. Power truth and everything. You might be coming here tonight to steal. Who knows? I'm not a gypsy. I'm not going to steal the stuff, guys. That's our favorite group. This is a great, great clip.

This clip has everything. It's got, I love his braids. They're so cool. Oh, and then that's right. Then he leaves us and then he like harasses another guy. Why do you got weird colored hair? Remember? Because I want to.

What's wrong with your natural hair, dude? I want to have fun with construction, guys. So what the fuck's your problem? He doesn't need the facts, one way. He's got a fucking job to do. Did you think that big construction guy was in any worry that he needed some sort of weird, hyper lefty, bloody, poison dart frog coloration poison boy to tell me to fuck off?

So weird. Did I tell you to fuck off? Yes. I never use those words. You're playing words in my mouth now. Anyway. You're going falsetto because you're panicking. What?

Yeah. He's, he loves. Can I ask you a question? Are you a homosexual? I'm a homosexual if you're making all that. A pan, so do you have sex with boys? Huh? Do you have sex with boys?

Why is he calling me Mike? Do you have sex with males? Yeah? Yeah, it shows. Bye. See ya. Cool. Brilliant.

Cool. Brilliant. I want to see what he looks like. He's Charlie the Arab. Charlie the Arab, yeah. Cool. What good work he's doing. Well, he's doing street stuff.

He has like the thing about him. He's doing his own thing. As he has a good relationship with the whole community. Yeah. Construction guys that are black. Yeah. Oh, is that him? Oh, there he is.

Yeah. This is Charlie the Arab. Oh, he's on the telegraph. So there was a, there's an article about him. The 9-11 conspiracy theorist who changed his mind. Oh, Charlie has been arrested. Oh. That's what it says there.

Charlie on the left side, second down. Oh, sorry, to the left there. Has been arrested. I wonder when that took place. So he likes to get into some shit. He's a menace. Yeah. That's who likes to get it the most, these menaces.

And so he's kind of, it looks like he's kind of a big guy. So maybe that's why he's always, you know, comfortable going up to people. He looks like he's kind of a big dude. Hit the, the arrest link though, the one that was, said he was arrested. Where, how long ago was that? Update. What does it say? UK's following this guy.

Doesn't give a day. Make it bigger. Okay. About an hour ago, we were at this blog about police were following him and trying to stop him from attending the royal wedding. Oh, this is a while ago. Oh, that's 2011, man. Whoopsie.

We received a message from his girlfriend. Charlie was arrested from his own home today on an absurdly concocted free speech pre-crime. Conspiracy to make nuisance. That is what he is. He's a nuisance. That's a great word. Yeah. Wow.

Well. Conspiracy to make nuisance. I love how the Brits phrase things. That is a very British, yeah. Conspiracy to make nuisance. It's so polite. To the clinker. Conspiracy to make nuisance.

You've been a very naughty boy. Yes. Oh, are you stoked about the new Top Gun movie? Maverick. I mean, I feel like they shot it like for you. I've been hearing about this movie forever. Is it out now? It's going to come out soon, I thought.

It's still not out yet? I thought it was already out. I want to see this. I'm pumped, dude. You want to see it? I'm ready to get into the danger zone. Oh, it's out. Bro, let's go see it, homie.

Damn. Dude, how pumped did you get when you were a kid? I saw this movie in the theater like five times that summer. Yeah. Did you see it in the theater? I did. I just thought that... Look at him.

Iceman was so cool. That's right, Iceman. I was like, fuck it. I am dangerous. You know, when you're a kid, you're like Iceman. Iceman. It's just tight. Goose.

Yeah. And who else? Maverick. What's his name again? Iceman. What's Iceman's name? Iceman in a dream boat. Yeah.

It's his gun. What is his big fucking teeth? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool spike. Yeah. Wait, Google that.

Let's see that. Remember the volleyball scene, which was so gay and like hadn't... It was just because they were all super hot and the director was like, let's just see these... Yeah. Look at them. Oh, oh, look at the nail. That's terrifying.

Wow. Nature is a cruel bitch, isn't she? Well, if he had cancer, I mean... Oh, I'm not going to say that. I didn't know that. Yeah. You don't know that he can't speak anymore? What?

You don't know that? I didn't know that. Yeah. I mean, he speaks with like a voice box. Oh, he's not in the movie then, is he? No, probably not. Like, where could they cast him as, you know, he's like, I'm their new instructor. Wait, remember the instructor?

Even he was hot. The older guy with the beard? I don't remember. Come on. I don't remember. Have you even been in the danger zone? There he is. That guy?

Yeah. That's a hot guy to you? I mean, when I was a kid, when I was a little girl, I was like, that guy's like a grown up and he's like pretty attractive. I like this mustache. What? Yeah. You don't think he's a cutie?

No. They're all cuties. He just looks like a fucking, like an overnight shift cop. I thought he was cute. I thought they're all cute. Now, you want to really, you want to really grab your barf bags. What about that bald guy? He's pretty hot.

No, I didn't like him. But I liked how mean he was. And he was like, you can't fly like that, Maverick. He's that guy in the control tower. You know who I let? Google Kelly McGillis now, though. Remember the hottie, Kelly McGillis? Uh-huh.

Have you seen her now? No. Go ahead. Have you seen her model? No. No. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

The movie was fucking 30 years ago. And she's a lesbian now. That's what she probably was then, too. Oh, yeah. But here's the deal, man. Is that in my child brain? Yeah. Like, I'm just saying, as a kid, I watched this movie and like, I feel very disillusioned

now. About what? Just like, she didn't even like Maverick. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's upsetting. It's upsetting to you. She was hot.

She was super hot. Super. The, what's it called? That Tarantino scene where he breaks down Top Gun as being so gay. That's the best. I don't know what you're talking about. From which movie is it? Go to YouTube.

Type in Tarantino. Just the volleyball scene. Yeah. Well, he talks about the whole movie. Tarantino, Top Gun. Such a good movie, though. It's a, yeah. The music is great.

You don't remember this? I don't remember. It's just from. What's the film about? What's it really about? What genre does it take? Like, it's like the spine. The spine.

Like one sentence. I don't fucking boy meets girl. I don't give a shit about that. Fuck boy meets girl. Fuck motorcycle movie. No. What is really big? Sleep with me.

What's really big thing? That's what you're talking about. Because the whole idea, man, is subversion. You want subversion on a massive level. You know one of the greatest fucking scripts ever written in the history of Hollywood is? What? Top Gun. How come?

Top Gun is fucking great. What is Top Gun? You think it's a story about a bunch of fighter pilots? Yeah. It's about a bunch of guys waving their dicks around. It is a story about a man's struggle with his own homosexuality. That's it. That is what Top Gun is about.

Listen. Listen. Top Man. You've got Maverick. All right. He's on the edge, man. He's right on the fucking line. You've got Ice Man and all his crew.

They're gay. They represent the gay man. All right. And they're saying, go. Go the gay way. Go the gay way. He could go both ways. I'm not killing McGill, especially.

Tell me McGill. She's heterosexuality. She's saying, no, no, no, no, no. Go the normal way. Play by the rules. Go the normal way. They're saying, no. Go the gay way.

Be the gay way. Go for the gay way. That is what's going on throughout that whole movie. He goes to her house, right? All right. It looks like they're going to have sex. They're just kind of sitting back. He's taking a shower and everything.

They're going to have sex. He gets in the motorcycle, drives away. She's like, what the fuck? What the fuck is going on? Right. Next scene. Next scene, you see her. She's in the elevator.

She is dressed like a guy. She's got the cap on. She's got the aviator glasses. She's wearing the same jacket that the Ice Man wears. She is, OK. This is how I got to get this guy. This guy's going towards the gay way. So I got to bring him back.

I got to bring him back from the gay way. So I'm going to do that through subterfuge. I'm going to dress like a man. All right. That is how she approaches it. Right. OK. Next at the end.

All right. Because he has passed over into the gay way. They are this gay fighting fucking force, all right. And they're beating the Russians. The gays are beating the Russians, all right. And it's over and they fucking land. And Ice Man has been trying to get Maverick the entire time. Finally he's got him.

All right. And what is the last fucking line that they have together at all? Hugging and kissing and happy with each other. And Ice comes at the Maverick and he says, man, you can ride my tails. And it's time. And what does Maverick say? Maverick, you can ride mine. Mine.

Survive. Survive. Survive. Yeah. It's a great breakdown. Wow. But he does have a point. There's a lot of valid, that's a lot of the messaging.

I mean, and that went over, I think, most people's heads. And then they see this and they're like, oh, this is a pro-homosexual propaganda. Most definitely. And most importantly, anti-Russian propaganda, which I really miss. Which, I mean, could it be more appropriate now? That's what I'm saying. That's what we need. Bring it back.

We see these anti-Russian, anti-communist movies. It's a good time for it. We got to know, everybody knows, you know, the Ruskies are always up to something. All bad. Yeah. They're always up to something. It goes Ruskies, Jays. Gypsies?

Gypsies. Chinese. Yeah. And they're always fighting for you. You're like this. Hierarchy. You got to know. You just always go like, no, no, we're cool.

But, you know. Yeah. We know. We know. Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny, Gypsies. Nobody.

Well, the thing is like. Nobody likes them. I know. And the thing is that they really aren't, they're never going to like plan an overthrow of a government. You know, they're not going to plan a coup. No. It's not like that.

It's just like, where's my wallet? You know, like, where's, you know. Yeah. Why are all the windows broken in this play? You know what I mean? You know, it's so, it's so confusing because in Hungary, the best violinist, the best musicians are the T-Guys. Oh, the T-Guys are also, the Hitenos are great entertainers in all parts of Europe.

Yeah. Their music, their dancing, you know. But they're simultaneously hated culturally. Yeah. It's like this weird thing in Hungary. Yeah. It's like, we love what you do, but just do it over there. True.

It's true. Do your little tap thing. Gorgeous. Yeah. Gorgeous. Remember that show? I was so into the gypsy show, my big fat gypsy wedding. And I was like, why do you guys, and they're all so insistent on preserving their culture.

And it's like, what is this culture that we're so into preserving? You guys all live in trailers. You get married at 16. You're all, no education. I'm going to have the biggest wedding ever. You're all alcoholics, and the women age so poorly. By the time they're 30, they look like they're 80. What is this shit culture?

Yeah. It's a shitty culture. It really is. It just is. Yeah. I'm sorry. I've seen enough episodes of my big fat American gypsy wedding to know. Yeah.

I don't like them. They don't let the women go to school. How is that okay? All they do is clean the house. That's kind of nice. It is kind of nice. Well, they used to, so like, you know. I mean, like a girl that's not like, oh, you know.

Ideas. What about all these thoughts? But like the place is clean. She puts out. Yeah. It's not the worst arrangement. Well, even back in the times of Bridgerton. Yeah.

You know, the upper classes, the men just wanted a broad that could like play the piano and be entertaining in conversation. That's the only reason they'd educate a woman is to be entertaining for the man. That's fantastic. I know. Yeah. Because you really don't need much beyond that. I would love if I got home and you were like, the piano forte.

And it was only things that I wanted to hear. You know, it's like my playlist. Yeah. Okay. So Bridgerton too is like the most diverse cast. It's one of those like forced inclusion casts where you're like, they've hit every they've checked every box. Yeah.

I mean, there's like the heavy set check, the Indian family. They're, you don't know what we are. Like everybody. It's all say, look, it's like one of everybody. Like, I don't know. Does that always? I mean, one of everybody is the new standard. Yeah.

For everything, like anything in marketing, anything in advertising, anything in entertainment, unless the story is so specific. Like you're like, this is a Japanese war story. Right. You know, like if it's not that, then they're like, you got to mix it up more. I mean, the fucking, you know, the inclusion thing is now it took over the sports illustrated swimsuit. I'm so glad we're talking about this.

Can we bring them up? Do I? Do I? This has been basically every American boys introduction into their dick getting hard for 30 some years. To Jack Mag. Yes. It's how you first do it.

Right. It's before porno. It's like the, oh, Jesus Christ. And guys, look at my Twitter if you want to see my thoughts on this check. It's like, you see, like, I don't want to look at it. I'm so upset. I always actually do. It was the most beautiful women.

Yeah. And it was, and there was variety. I mean, it was, there were. Blondes, Burnett. Blondes, Burnett. No, but there were black women. There were Caribbean women, Indian women, Asian, like there's been variety, right? But just like stunning, stunning women, right?

For years. I mean, this was like the introduction to this was like, you know, Christie Brinkley, right? Yeah. Kathy Ireland. Naomi Campbell. El McPherson. Like all these like just stunners.

Yeah. Supermodels. And then now. Dimes only. Yeah. The newest thing is you got this girl with like a pretty face and like, I don't know, my body. And then, I mean, she looks like a fucking long snapper from the neck down.

What's a long? Like a fucking. Sports. It's like in football, the guy that snaps the ball back. What is she like two and a quarter? Right? So I don't know. So like, and then they're like, this is the cover of it.

So you're like, okay, I guess. Man, I have so many feelings. That's, that's over. And then, and then is that Elon Musk's mother is now. So here's the thing. She was a new, she is a nutritionist. And I have to say, she looks better than me. So I feel like I can't, but here's the real question.

But that just shows you like, it's more about like the shift from, hey, you know, it used to be this thing of like super hot chicks. Yeah. That's not okay. It's not just about super hot chicks, guys. There's this girl that needs to lose about 60 pounds. And here's a 74 year old woman. Yeah.

So enjoy your new swimsuit. Like, all right, I guess. Well, and isn't the point to sell sports illustrated magazines? So, so hold on. So I agree. Look, there's just various a fraction of the population. That's all women and heavy said women. That's sure.

Yes. But if you want to sell a lot of magazines, my mind always goes to, is this what the majority of men, right? There is a whole thing that majority, you know, we, I don't know why we have discount what majority means. That's what I'm saying. Like, and I get that it's inclusive. You're trying to tell me most men, most are like, I mean, is she 230 pounds?

That'd be cool. Like, is that that's what most guys are thinking? Well, and by the way, these little piggies, these little, these, uh, these piglet models, they get mad whenever we talk about their, their fat ass modeling careers. And they're like, well, you're fat too. Yeah. I'm a comedian. You fat fucking fuck.

So you can be that. But no one wants to see your big fat ass on the cover of a magazine or endorsing products because you're fucking gross. All right. Go back to your barn and fucking roll around with the other pigs. This is a job for the genetically gifted. Not for your big fat ass. I mean, look at Kim Kardashian.

Look how fucking hot that is. That's a banging cover. But look at the swimsuit they gave her too. Look, look. And also she's pretty, the heavy girl. Go back to the heavy girl. But like, yeah, she's got a pretty face. She's like, dude, I'm not saying she's unattractive.

I'm saying, look at the fucking. No, if you saw her at the local pool, you'd be like, hey, if that girl dropped 40 pounds, she'd be pretty hot. She's got a pretty face. Exactly. Yeah. But the swimsuit they gave her, yo, that doesn't look good on anybody. Like that body.

No, it does. It does. It looks good on. Tim, Kathy Ireland, El McPherson, Naomi Campbell. That's a rough suit that I will say in her defense to pull that off. Nobody looks good in the anchor, sweetie. That's tough. And who was this being done for?

This is done. Nobody. So that sports illustrator gets to go, we did a nice thing, didn't we? Aren't we? Charity case. Aren't we good? It's not men who are snapping this up. No, there are men, about 37 of them in the United States.

I know. So I tweeted about this. If you guys want to look at my Twitter on Christina P, I started a furor. And it was like the dumbest, most innocuous. Oh, you're going to bring it up. Okay. It was like the stupidest thing I was just, I was just making fun of her. I was like super model, more like super model.

And then Tom was with me and added the emojis of a hamburger, a taco and a hot dog. This started a real fury. I mean, 792 comments, retweets, 89 quotes. I mean, 5,000 people liked it. Anyway, people are on my side and I have a bit about, I hate fat models. I'm not down with downs models. Like it's all, but it's so stupid. It's like, you guys are just doing this to try to get eyeballs on your product and it's

not right. Yeah, I know. It's so dumb. There's also this thing that people are like, stop commenting on people's bodies. That's a big thing now. Oh, shut the fuck up. Why? Why?

Well, especially if you're going to pose in a bikini or a bandage suit. That's the whole point. You're putting your body out there. It's open to comment. That's right. It is no different, honestly. That's right. Because this is like, this brings up when people get mad about this stuff.

We put out stand up, we put out podcasts, right? We put them out. If you put it out, you have to be open to the criticism. That's part of the gig. You know, people tell us all the time, you're the worst. You're a piece of shit. You suck. You're not funny.

I wish you, and you're like, yeah, but I, does it ever hurt? Yeah, especially at the beginning when you first hear it, you're like, whoa. Yeah. And then you get used to it and then you realize that this is part of the job. Yeah. And if your big fat ass takes pictures in bikinis or lingerie. Then your big fat ass gets to get called a big fat ass. Okay.

And if you don't want to be called that either, don't take the pictures or fucking drop 120 pounds, which is what it looks like. You need to drop on the cover. It's ridiculous to like, yeah, I'm a plus size model. And then when I model and then everyone should, everyone should tell me how great I look. No, you fucking delusional. That's why you're a big fat fuck now is because no one told you how fat you are. Well, and look, and also too.

Listen, sports, sports illustrator always put healthy looking women on. So all these models that you named quite healthy looking, never put on the anorexics. No, they put on models. So you got probably eight. Well, did yoga? Yeah, they were healthy. So that's the brand is healthy. So if you're putting someone who's overweight and don't even fucking tell me that being

overweight is healthy. It is not healthy. There's no way. Just put sports illustrated. Look, she's swimsuit swimsuit. Addition covers and we'll pull up the covers. Like over the years. Okay, look, beautiful.

Look at her. Look at Tyra. Tyra Banks. Jesus Christ. Dunning. She's not a size two. No, she's healthy. Very healthy.

I would like to. Gorgeous. Come get that food. I don't know who this is. Acoustic. Can we turn the AC? My hands are frozen. Can someone make it?

No, no, no. I'm sweating. No, it's good. I have a cold sweat. I feel like I have a fever. Who's that right there? Jesus Christ. Who's that?

I don't know, but she's perfect. Olivia Colpo. Yep. Oh, Beyonce. Beyonce. Come on. That old dog? Yeah.

Well, I think, can I tell you what I think the problem in thinking is and this victim culture? Jesus Christ. Can I, can you listen to my point and stop looking at the swimsuit addition for one minute? No. No, pull up, pull up the new one and I'll snap back to you. Okay. Yeah.

What were you saying? Well, look at it. Look at the porker. Look at the porker in the water beneath. Look at that one. Yeah. Go down one. Oink, oink.

Oh, no, she's not. She just has big milkers. The pose is not good. Yeah. The pose is not good. No, she's a big model. No, I forgot what I was going to fuck. Oh, oh, the point is just because somebody looks like Tyra Banks on the cover of Sports

Illustrated and she doesn't look like you, does it mean that you're inferior to her? Like, you know what I'm saying? Why do you have to take it as a personal affront? I just look. You know what I'm looking at? No, I'm sure. That's not, that's not your lot in life. You don't get to look.

That's right. Except that. That's what I'm saying. So, so. Is that it is, I look at these amazing bodies and I'm saying on men as a gift, like some of them I go, that's their gift. That's what they get. Yeah.

They get those fucking abs. Yep. And they get this crazy physique and you go like, and it's to be admired. There's nothing wrong with admiring it, right? Yeah. But it's like. Deptin, dog, right? Yeah.

And I know you don't like skinny blondes, grody. Ugh. Look at those perfect perky titties. I mean, it's, there's, there's a reason why. Cellulite. There's a reason why everybody turns their head when they see a woman like that in real life. It's, it's because that it is the desired beauty standard.

Like it is. It's special. That, it's special. It's unique. It doesn't happen a lot. Oh, I remember that. The problem is now that. You know, if you combine the three of them, they weigh about half of the new swimside

cover model as well. But that's the problem is that you're not allowed to have an inspirational thing to, to want to attain anymore because everybody is special. Well, and the other thing. It's like, no, not everybody's special. Here's the other thing is like, they go like, you know, celebrate whatever body type and like, and, and, you know, you should just tell, she is beautiful. Like this a 240 pound woman is beautiful.

And you're like, yeah, here's the thing about accepting that body type, right? Yeah. What you're also saying is like, you know, it's hard and it's a lot of work to not be this. And you're like, yeah, it's hard to achieve a lot of things and the things that are most desirable are usually not easy. Yeah. So yes, some people are born genetically gifted without a doubt.

They just are. And they can, like some of them just eat what they want and they just look great. But for most people, this is an effort, an effort to try to maintain a healthy appearance. Well, even, even those hot chicks, they have to exercise. Oh, yeah. Most of them, that's not just all the time they're not eating crispy creams. Very rarely. They're not going to do that.

Their whole life is making themselves hotter. There's the anomalies that like they do. They're like, I eat like shit, but that's not most people. Most people have to lipate. So when you, I feel like when you go like celebrate, you know, being wildly obese, it's like, mm, that's not really a thing to celebrate because it's not healthy. And what you're really saying is I'm lazy. I'm lazy and I'm, I think I should be applauded and just accept, you know, fine, if you want

to be lazy and sit around and not do anything, that's fine. But I don't think the rest of us should have to go like, and it looks great. And that's what, and that's my problem too, is that we have to think this perverted way of like, no, no, this is awesome. Isn't it awesome that she's unhealthily overweight and isn't it beautiful? No, personally, I don't think it is beautiful. I think that those skinny girls who work out and like Tyra Banks, I think she's beautiful. Personally, but, but if you say that, you're a hateful piece of shit.

Yeah. And I don't really say this is not for me. It's not for me. I don't think you are. I think that the real sickness here is in the way that people spin it. It's not even like there's, there's reality and there's like delusion. And all these people that are pushing this thing of like, oh, this is what's great. Like they're delusional and they're, they're firing people up about it.

But you walk down the street and you ask people what they find to be the standard of beauty. You're going to find, like we said, the majority, the majority is going to say that the clearly beautiful woman is beautiful. And that the other woman has a very pretty face and leads to lose weight. Yeah, but everything is beautiful now. And when you take away that standard, if everyone is beautiful, then no one is beautiful. No, they're if everyone is a winner, then no one is a winner. You devalue any of the meaning.

So what is beauty now? We're going to take that away. What is a woman now? Did you know that? Did you know that that's a question? What is a woman? Uh-huh. There's persons with periods and.

Men can have periods too. You remember that? That I know, that I know, I know, and I know men can get pregnant. Just takes you reframing what you think of as a man. You need to reframe your entire mind. I mean, who fucking? But something and fat and obese women are beautiful. You didn't know that their swimsuit models, Tom, you just have to reframe your whole way.

You have to live in the upside down where this shit makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, it's absurd. Nobody I know is like, this is great. That's the thing is that also, how about no one talking about how offensive this is to the previous SI cover models who are like, hey, that used to mean something and you just devalued the whole fucking thing. Yeah, like it used to be a compliment.

And now you're like, hey, are you SI swimsuit? You a cover model for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition? It's like, oh, yeah, I'm an offensive lineman for the fucking Colts. Yeah. But I would. But there were like WNBA players that were also on SI. And I'm like, well, if their bodies look athletic and are still attractive, maybe that's. But I think for them to be unhealthy is not a swimsuit model.

So this is a complete contradiction in terms. And I, by the way, I know all the fatties are going to hit me up. Oh, you fatt fucking models. I got hit up by them last time. They put their baked beans down for a minute and. They were like. Oh, my God.

Can I have to send the dog this tick tock? I want to play this on today's show. I'm sorry, apropos this discussion. This was so good. Well, here's an update on this lady. For those on here that apparently haven't got the membo, I'm an elder, trans, queer, revolutionary anarchist. OK, so my political affiliations and stance on things are going to be.

Kind of fiery. Oh, really? FYI. Yeah, I've known this this person for a long time. I've been following them. They're getting these tattoos removed off their face. Why? They look good. Yeah, this person's.

That's definitely someone who I would love to ask about the news. I'm a swimsuit cover model. I think it's beautiful. I love it as an elder, trans, revolutionary anarchist. Yeah. Yeah, it's wild. And it's just why I feel I feel like we're in an in the upside down. Yeah, like what? What the fuck are you talking about?

You know what? I want to laugh all day. Oh, fuck. That was a good that was a good ground. I'll give him that. Yeah. What's wrong? I'm just seeing our sons doing dumb shit like this. And yeah.

It'll happen. All right, we'll see another one. Cool. Oh. How do you keep going? How do you like? How is he still going? Notice there's no way he's a big truck. Maybe he doesn't.

Maybe it's just right in the blind spot. The wave. You want to be in panic like, I think there's a full panic going on right now. Yeah, yeah, fuck. Maybe it's not real. I don't know. That looks pretty real. Can I take a picture?

Definitely real. Hold on. Just keep rolling. I'll be quick. Okay. God, that's so gnarly. That was your pee. I pushed hard.

Good. It was good. Now that there's another girl here at Heather. Yeah. I'm always nervous she's going to walk in because I don't close the door. I just I just run in there and I pee with the door open. Why don't you just close it? I forget.

I'm lazy. Okay. Bird's been shitting in there and there's a sign that's like don't shit in there. No, I know. Now we try to tell him. Yeah. He can't shit in there. He does not shit in there anymore.

No, not anymore. Oh, God. He did. And you should definitely close the door when you piss in there now. Okay. Heather doesn't seem to mind. I don't know that. She loves it.

That's probably not true. Yeah. She's like, hey girl. I would show her a little. Hey girl. I would show her a little. Oh, this one I want you to see. Apropos are just going to end lower.

Okay. Go. Start from the beginning. It's so good. Okay. Okay. Let's see. This is the fat in a spectrum.

Are you ready? This is size 18 and lower 1x or 2x. I'm a 4x 5x. I'm a size 26. Sometimes 28. I am the super fat. You say I'm speaking over. Okay.

This is the fat in a spectrum. A small fat is a size 18 and lower 1x or 2x. I'm a 4x 5x. I'm a size 26. Sometimes 28. I am the super fat. You say I'm speaking over. Super fat.

Okay. This is the fat in a spectrum. A small fat. All right. I got it. I got it. Infinifat is the highest you can be. And that one is, I can't read it, 64 in higher.

Is that what that says? 6x in higher, 34 inch waist in higher, some towards 6. That's infinifat. Listen, all this work it takes to categorize yourself, just put that into not being fat. Do you know what I mean? Just stop it. Don't start. That upsets me.

My stepmother, one time when she was aging and she was like, don't ever give up. Don't stop fighting the fight. And that's what I feel like it's important to take care of myself. I feel like I live by that. Yeah. No, like you just, you never, I've never been like happy and like feel like great about health and fitness, but I've never given up. Yeah.

Don't give up. Yeah. Don't surrender to like your lowest, your lowest self. You see it too. This is a real interesting age to be at now because you see people are age who already have given up. Yeah. And the real one is like, you see people like 10 years older and you're like, is that

guy 70? I know. And like now he's 53. It's sad. And even like people who do drugs over 50. That's a big one for you. Well, because you're like, bro, you know, like you don't wake up at after 50. I think that's the goal.

But like you can't, you can't do this to yourself. You can't like doing, you know, like speed balls and is that like heroin and speed at the same time? Cocaine, right? So it's like up and down. Like that's like putting the foot on the gas and the break at the same time. Like what does that do to your body? Opioids.

Yeah. Stereoids. Yeah. What does that feel like? Is that like Red Bull and vodka? And nasal. Fuck. And what's that like?

What do people ask? You've done this. Look at that first question. What do speed balls help with? Oh, this is like actual speed balls for cardio. Okay. Mixing stimulants and opioids. That is tight.

That's got to be the. What kind of a ride is that? I mean, multiple people I've talked to have said that there's nothing as great as heroin. Yeah. And then, you know, I've had the medical equivalent a few times and it is. It's fantastic. It's really nice. Mixing that with cocaine.

I just, I can't imagine how much fun that is. Oh yeah. So you're chill, but you're also pumped. Like you're chill, but you're very motivated. What is that? I don't know. Like your heart just stops. Because that heroin just makes you want to.

Yeah. Yeah. So if you're feeling like that and coke, I don't know. That really is like the ultimate downer, right? And an opioid is like a stimulant. Yeah. And your heart just must be like panicking. They're fighting each other.

Okay. The coke keeps you awake to enjoy the opiate. Maybe. Maybe. Because I do like feeling, I mean, when I'm taking my oxys from my ankle, that was fun. Yeah. Yeah. But I would not want to take coke.

I don't know. Yeah, but if somebody gave it to you, you'd probably be like, it's pretty cool. This is a pretty fun ride. Yeah. This is a fun ride. Thanks. This is what happens on a speedball right here. Infinifat.

There you go. Dude, this is wild. This is a speedball. Dang. Hi. Hello. Hello. Wow.

How was that person? I don't know. I can't be right. God. Hi. The wave. Yeah, he fucking waved. Because he's not panicked.

No. I don't like that. Thank you. Can we see the next thing? That didn't make me happy at all. Okay. Come on. Come on.

Oh, God. God, I like that. You like that way? Yeah, because I don't like those scooters. They're so dangerous. This should be a PSA to all these kids who work here and go downtown Austin. Get drunk and ride these. Don't do that.

Yeah. Don't do it. It's bad. It's bad. That's what happens to you. Come on. Fuck, dude. Come on.

Damn. I like that his helmet is on the scooter. Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah. He ate shit hard. Hard, dude. Yeah, that was pretty cool.

His face is in the side one. That's bad. He lost his teeth for sure. Oh, fuck. You like that? Yeah. Those scooters are bad news. I mean, I don't know how they're still in business.

Those are huge liabilities, man. It is. All these drunks on there. Yeah. What? The scooters are fine. That guy was trying to hop stairs. No.

Scooters are not fine. Not fine. Definitely not. Can I tell you? Talk to any emergency room doctor or chiropractor. They're like, this is keeping us in business. Yes. It's nothing.

I mean, you're giving somebody who you don't know their ability as a rider. Right. Yeah. People just have zero training, zero expectation, a device that can send them 15 miles an hour. Then on uneven road, you hit a rock. No idea what's coming. That happens every day in these is people fall off, concussions, broken clavicles, broken arms, broken, like they're just injury after injury on these.

Of course, people can do them without that, but it is filling up emergency rooms all the time. Boy, are they fun. Yeah. I'm sure they're fun, but they're definitely leading to tons of things. Oh, yeah. When I was 26, I used to ride a razor scooter through my neighborhood. I would fucking jam on that thing, bro, like fly.

One time I just hit a rock and I face planted into the fucking pavement just like this retard and like, fuck down my elbow. My elbow, I still can't straighten out because I didn't put a cast on it. So it's too poor. Yeah. I'm an idiot. So this comes from personal experience, dude. I want to get a Vespa.

Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. What? Get the fuck your Vespa. Why? Are you serious? That's dangerous as shit too, isn't it? A scooter?

I mean, it's a lot less dangerous than a motorcycle and it's pretty casual. Come on. You'll get the one with the cover on it so you don't fly out. That seems fun. Really? Yeah. Where are you going to ride? That's the Vespa I want you to get.

I'm not getting that. I'm not getting that. Now I know what to get you for Christmas. Go back. I'm giving you that Vespa. Go back to the search. Yeah, like, where's Vespa? To the right.

Vespa primavera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Vespas. Like a little Italian. You learn your toilet Italian and you get on your Vespa. Vespa primavera. See on the list right there. Those.

That'd be fucking fun to go get a coffee in one of those. Do it. Yeah. I wear a little helmet. Pretend I'm in Italia. Are you still doing your toilet Italian? I hit day 60 yesterday. Day.

In a row. Yeah. That's awesome. But I need an Italian friend. I put a call out on Instagram and Twitter for an Italian friend. I was like, there'll be lunches. We'll go out on the boat. There'll be meals.

Nice. All jokey answers. No. People are like, I don't know Italian, but let's hang out. I was like, no. Fuck you. And I want you to be fluent. You know?

You want to send your Italian resumes? Go ahead and send them to yourmomspodcastatgmail.com. There's no house in the email name, yourmomspodcastatgmail. Tell me how you're a qualified, fluent Italian speaker that lives in the Austin area. Don't tell me that you'll commute here. You have to be around. All right? Yeah.

We had an Italian exchange student. Did I ever tell you about this guy? No. He was in the dorms, and one night he had an erotic dream, and he washed his penis out in the sink, and my friend walked in on him, and he's like, what are you doing, bro? And he's like, I had a wet dream. I'm washing my penis. It was so funny.

And I think about it like once a week. Was this in college? Mm-hmm. Who walked in on him, a guy or a girl? A guy. Oh, that's totally different. Yeah. And he wore like, he dressed like a total Italian, like he rolled up his pant legs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like two tight pants. Sure. And he rolled them. We were all like, yo, you got to like get your baggy jeans on, bro. You're in America now, Jack. That's totally it, yeah. And he totally dressed like a foreign exchange.

They are very fashionable, though. Very, very, very. Yeah. He was really sweet, but once word got around that he was washing his dick in the sink, kind of ruined his rep. Like he could not get laid after that. We felt so bad for him. He was looking smooth.

These dudes look. Oh, yeah. That's what he looked like with the hat. He had the total hat. Oh, he had a hat too? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Very cool. Yeah. Yeah. Italians. Italians. They are very fashionable. I love them. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, when I was in Milan, I mean, this was like a decade ago, but Jesus Christ, like people going to work, it looks like a fashion show. You're like, oh my God. So nice. Yeah, it is nice. It's nice a culture that does that. I know.

I don't know. Yeah, it's very, like it makes you go like, first, I'm going to go change and it's like, it's like art. It's like moving art, right? Like you see people and you're like, all the colors and different cuts. My dad always says that. Yeah. He's like, American dress like pig.

Yeah. Wearing jeans all the time. Jeans. I remember when I studied in Madrid, one of the, I studied with an old lady, right? I was being the other Americans and her son was about 20 years older than us and he was like, I can always tell when, um, who's American here because they all dress like shit. You know?

I was like, oh yeah. Yeah. He's like, yeah, it's always like t-shirts and stuff. Yeah. And then he always had, you know, nothing like over the top, but like a nice collared shirt, a sweater, like it was in the winter time and just looked more distinguished. You know, it's funny. And he's like, you guys all dress like shit.

We do. I mean, every relative in Hungary would tell me that too, like, you look like shit with your jeans and like, shut up. And yeah, I was too pale. Yeah. I was like, why don't you get a tan? I'm God. Yeah.

I'm God. Yeah. But, um, you know what's funny in Austin? It's, it's cool to like dress down here. So now I find myself getting fancier because I want to be counterculture. Sure. And in LA, it's the opposite. Like the more of a dirtbag you look, the people are like, you're cool.

It's so funny how cities are. Yeah. I was like a lot of people. Different moments. I didn't know that in LA, um, when you, like when I first got there in show business, like nobody dresses nicely. Nobody. No suits.

No. And I thought I wore a suit to an interview and they were like, what's with the suit? And I was like, uh, it's an interview and they were like, yeah, don't do that. Like, okay. Yeah. The more homeless you look, I mean, the more money you have. Yeah. So weird.

Billionaires wear flip flops. Yeah. Yeah. T-shirts. Yeah. That was really nice. Thanks for doing that to the listeners. You got it.

Jesus Christ. I think there's one more. We do talks. Oh, you want to do a talk? Yeah. I live for these, man. Okay. Infantaphat.

Super fat. Who came up with these? Hello everyone. Wiccan author James Odden here. Hey there. Wanting to do a little experiment today. If you guys don't mind participating. Okay.

Let's see how many Wiccans we actually have on the set. Um, how about we do a little thing where if you're Wiccan, you like the video or leave a comment. Pass and loan to your other Wiccan friends. Your Wiccan friends though. And we'll see just exactly how many of us there are. I don't know. How many of us?

Hundreds. Thousands. Wiccans. Hundreds of thousands. Let's do it. Why not? Where is he reporting from? I don't know.

It's probably from where he writes his books. He's a Wiccan author. Who's a Wiccan author? Yeah. I'm also a Wiccan author. Are you a Wiccan author? It's nice to have a fellow author who's a Wiccan out there. Good to meet you sir.

Now I saw this man and I immediately thought of you because you're always telling me when guys do this kind of stuff. Like I'm Wiccan. I'm whatever. It's just a ploy to get laid. It totally is. Is he really Wiccan or is he using this as a way to get chicks to be like I'm Wiccan? I mean he thinks he might think he is but it's so that a chick goes what's that like?

And he's like I can tell you all about it. It's a spiritual. Because guys always want what a guy really wants with a woman. A guy wants to I mean yes wants to connect and all that stuff but a guy loves to be an expert in something that a woman is not right. And like if her curiosity is there it's the best because then you're like you have a girl fascinated by what you're saying. So like if he picks this absolutely insane lane as his you know he'll get some chick who

is curious and then he's like that's not what a Wiccan would do and then he'll explain to her when to light the oils on fire. Because chicks are into Wicca I must say as a 13 year old I was really into witchcraft and you know tarot cards and runes and like this is a very adolescent girl thing to be into. I'd like to move on. Okay. Thanks.

Oh I guess you're not Wiccan. Why are these hoes dancing in like little sluts on these websites more important than actually telling the truth about our government and our country. These sites block us for speaking the truth about trash but yet they show all this. Just ended there. What's that handle speak the truth. What? For for for a road for ad.

Okay. I like how he's so mad at those hot chicks. I like when guys are mad at hot chicks. It's always a good sign. When a guy is like fucking bitches in their tits and their ass is hanging out taunting me. Yeah. Yeah.

He's just mad because they're not. Yeah. Hey you're not even going to point out that he's got the all make you come guys glasses. He does. And he's watching Rachel Maddow probably. And he's got a wolf. What is that like a sculpture kind of a flat piece on the wall. Powerful.

And he's got a great angle. And a thermostat. Really good angle. He's got AC and that's cool. Yeah. Very good angle sir. You get the treatment. All right.

Go figure I post something about libtards and it instantly gets blocked. You pussies can't handle the truth. Can you you sniveling bunch of little wimps. Go back into mommy's basements where you belong you little pussies. Yeah. It's good. It's very good. Well you think you'd sit up for the talk.

Why? Just sit up. Because it almost laying down like he's three quarters laying down. Sit up. That's where you that's where you're going to deliver the truth. Hey you fucking libtards. You want to hear the truth or not. I'm resting.

Yeah. It's not better. Maybe the truth is exhausting. Pretty little mouth. You are going to be a very addictive problem. I didn't like that one. No me neither. I was so spooky.

Also like look I'll go after the fat models and I want to go after these types too. If you're going to play the role of the pretty little mouth you clean up you got to be like I want to see you in a collared shirt or a leather vest just like groomed. You don't get to wake up and make a pretty little mouth video. And that's just in his kitchen. Like do it in a dimly lit sexy make it sexy. Yeah. I mean you're not but like you can make an attempt.

Or it's like a leather daddy leather daddy or a guy in a suit. Yeah. Yeah. Like like the 50 Shades of Earl Gray. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Earl Gray.

Yes. Get your mouth down there and smile on my face. That's something you don't really see a lot. That's why I put her in there. Yeah. Usually it's the guys that are kind of cool but chicks can be cool too. She's very cool. Is she a truck driver?

I don't know. Yeah. Possibly. Yeah. Look at where this wheel is and stuff. Well they have a lot of cool people in that line of work. Just her. Dumbass Sergeant fucking Cooper thought he smelt weed on me so he brought the fucking goon

squad to search my fucking boat. A bunch of moron fucking dumb fucks that aren't going to fucking find anything because I don't even have anything. Fucking idiots. All three of you. I gotta tell you. This shit makes me laugh but it's like it's the dumbest shit you can do. It really is.

Crazy. To go off like that on it's crazy. It's crazy. On law enforcement as they're searching. I think you're just out of your mind. Yeah. He's on speedball. People are like I have a right to.

Yeah. You have a right to. This is. Yeah. You're just like. He's high. Well you're just waiting for something. They're going to get you on something now.

Yeah. Because you're a dummy. Yeah. That was so aggressive. Fucking idiots. It was really funny though. Sergeant fucking Cooper. Yeah.

That made me laugh for a few days. Yeah. My buddy are getting fucking drunk and we're going to throw shit off the dyke. And if you don't know what a dyke is, it's by the river and it's a long pier and we're going to throw shit off it. Do you like that one? Yeah. That's cool.

Yeah. I mean this would have been probably three years of my life if I lived near them. I think between 14 and 17 I'd be like let's go throw shit off the dyke. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. It's a good time. Yeah.

That's fucking. That's a fun way to spend an afternoon. To throw shit off of a dyke. Yeah. I like the word dyke. I like the word lesbian. Yeah. I don't know what these dykes do.

And I was like oh my god. They lick each other to death. Lick each other to death. I was like why are you thinking about it so much you know? Like looking back now she was really upset about what the lesbians are doing. I'm like well why are you so upset about it? Maybe you'd like to. Maybe you'd like to lick a box and figure it out.

Have a taste. She's dead now though. You can only lick boxes in heaven. Your dad also had gay observations. Yeah. Why all the time? Yeah. He didn't like these parades.

Why do you have to be so proud? Okay. Nobody gives a shit that you're gay. I don't have straight pride parade. It's the same argument people use for saying the n-word. Yeah. You know? Like why can't I?

Yeah. Like why you know? So who's allowed to say it? I can't say it. Yeah. You still see it sometimes. People write it. They're like what word is not allowed.

You already know. You don't need an explanation. You already know. Hmm. Happy Friday. Happy Friday. Didn't that make you happy though? Yeah.

That was pretty nice. That was cute. Yeah. That was kind of fun. Yeah. Thanks. You're welcome. Jesus.

Everything I, everyone I click on it gives me like a panic. And then that was fun. Happy Friday. Happy Friday. Name one thing that you could actually do better. After drinking alcohol. I'll go first. So at first I hated him and I hated his dumb instrument.

And then I thought about it and I was like, well he's kind of right. What would be better than doing that when you're, when you're kind of hammered? Like I bet it's kind of fun. Wait. I thought what he was saying is that you can't do anything better when you drink alcohol. Then play that instrument. Well, he said name one thing. Better than playing that instrument.

Right. Is that what I understood it to be? Like, hey, name one thing better than doing that. I thought it was a pro not drinking message. Oh. Name one thing. Oh, I thought it. I'll go first and then there's nothing.

Oh, I thought it was, hey, I'm pretty hammered right now and I'm playing this thing. Isn't that awesome? That's what I understood. I was like, that does sound fun. I want to get ripped and play that thing. Yeah. Oh. Maybe you're right.

I don't know. Potato, potato, but I think you're right because that guy is the kind of hippie that's like, you don't need a drink. Does he, does he have that message a lot in his videos? This is the only one I've seen of his, but I mean, it's so funny how all hippies love the same shit. It's like the hippie. I like that thing.

Thing. That thing, the hacky sack, a hemp. What's that? Frisbees. Yeah. Hippies love frisbees. It's so funny. Dr. Ed Zimmerman, the tic-tac on tic-tac, bringing you fun facts.

This is the circumference or girth of the average pickle. It's about one inch across in diameter. This toilet paper tube is the circumference or girth of a really well endowed pickle, usually four and a half to five inches. This is five and a half inches all the way around and about an inch and three quarters across. Fun facts from the tic-tac on tic-tac. Thanks, doc.

I thought you guys would like that. Yeah. And we always like tic-tac in here. Sure. It's like that. There'll be some measuring later. Tic-tac. I think everybody will write their number down, I'm sure.

No. And then we have to guess. No, where am I going? Oh. I'm saying everybody will keep it themselves, Christina. We're not going to put people's dick numbers on here, okay? Yeah. Okay.

I mean, you seem like you're blushing right now. I'd love to know that. Really? I don't know. No, I'm just kidding. I'm not that curious about the Booth Boy's dicks. I'm not that curious. That sounds like I'm not that not curious either.

No. No. It's okay. I think you want to know. It's okay. I mean, look, I'm curious about all things perverse and stupid and silly. Yeah. I just, I'm interested in the dumb.

All dumb things. Well, I would say that's the dumb. I just think that these are your employees and maybe we shouldn't be like, tell me your dick size. That's true. That's true. No, you're right. Okay.

That's true. You guys do what you want with those, okay? Okay. All right. Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening.

Get Tommy's book. Please get, please pre-order the book. I'd like to play alone, please. You can pre-order it. Go to tomscrew.com slash book and it gives you the links to every place you can pre-order it. So it's not just one destination. You can literally find the big names, the independence, like I said, ebooks, audio books.

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